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Chapter Text

DRAMATIS PERSONÆ

THE DOCTOR: A Time Lord put on trial for a crime he did not commit and thereby sentenced to imprisonment.

PERPUGILLIAM (FIDELIO): A dear, sweet fairy who was banished from the Fairy Realm after sneaking away to travel with the Doctor.

ROCCO: The jailer who oversees the Doctor and scores of other inmates.

MARZELLINA: The jailer’s daughter who is in love with Fidelio.

THE MASTER (KOSCHEI): The governor of the prison who wishes to kill the Doctor because of a personal vendetta.

PORTER: An employee of the prison.

PRISONERS

Fairies:

QUEEN OF THE FAIRIES: She who banished Peri from the fairy realm.

MELANIE: A computer programmer who creates databases and other programs for the fairies.

KATHERINE: A doctor of medicine who specialises in medical botany.

CANDY: A hodophile.

Chapter Text

OVERTURE

[SONG: “FLOWER DUET” from Lakme]

ACT I

SCENE I — An idyllic, Arcadian landscape full of lush vegetation with flowers of every colour and species imaginable; calm, flowing streams; and frolicking fauna.

Enter CHORUS of fairies, led by MELANIE, KATHERINE, and CANDY. They dance and sing about the stage.

CHORUS

Tripping hither, tripping thither

From dusk to dawn, we never dither;

Through the fields and through the sand

Round our fairy hinterland!

SOLO — KATHERINE

We are cheery little fairies

Ever singing, ever prancing

But also stuck in our libraries

For our knowledge is advancing

Gath’ring data on plants and slugs

Which are molluscs and never bugs!

CHORUS

They are molluscs and never bugs!

Tripping hither, etc.

SOLO — MELANIE

If you ask us what we do

In our sciency reviews—

We gather extracts from spruce

For their medicinal use

Compile all our data

Spreadsheets alpha to zeta

Understanding epithets

Acaulescent and rosette

We comprise the perianth of

The fairy world that we all love

CHORUS

Yes, the world that we all love

Tripping hither, etc.

MEL. (sulking). Oh, this place just isn't the same without Peri...

KATHY. No...Peri was so lively, so kind, so compassionate! Not that any of you aren’t, but she was something special.

CANDY. One day she just vanished without so much as a hint of fairy dust left behind...Whatever happened to her?

MEL. You don’t know?

KATHY. You really don’t know?

CANDY. (shrugging). I’ve only just returned from a pilgrimage to bask in the sights of the ancient Fairies! Of course I don’t know!

KATHY. She left us! She left us!

MEL. To travel with some mysterious guy, a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey!

CANDY. Gallifrey! But what is wrong with travelling?

(Enter FAIRY QUEEN)

QUEEN. (resting a hand on Candy’s shoulder for a moment). Nothing, my dear Candy; it is merely the act of her leaving without a trace, to wander through the cosmos in a box with a madman we do not know. For that, she was banished! But do not weep, my Fairies, as she told us not of her exit. If she wished to inform us of her leaving before she did so, things would have been different.

MEL. Oh, great Queen, I’m sure she didn’t have such malice in her heart! Peri isn’t like that!

KATHY. Definitely not! She wouldn’t harm a slug nor raise a hand!

QUEEN. Perhaps. But her travelling companion is certainly a malicious man!

(The fairies gasp)

MEL. What makes you say that?

QUEEN. He, a Time Lord named the Doctor...his hands are stained with the blood of innocents. His hearts hardened by the deafening cries of his erstwhile companions. And his mind...it is unwell.

CANDY. Great Queen, such aspersions must have proof!

QUEEN. He is an outcast amongst his own people! A fellow Time Lord by the name of Koschei came to me and informed me of all the details. How a man can go about with such anger in his belly, oh,...I even shudder to recall the conversation...

MEL. (indignant). Well, I don’t believe it!

KATHY and CANDY. Neither do we!

MEL. Why not summon Peri and ask her about the Doctor instead of trusting information from a stranger!

QUEEN. (pensive). I would like to hear her side of the story…

KATHY. And it’s been so long since we’ve last seen her!

QUEEN. I cannot stomach to look upon her. To think, the things she has done and shared with that wretched creature! Pure, pulchritudinous, Peri! In the arms of a brute who disguises as a clown! I think I shall cry…

CANDY. Oh, please, oh, please! Koschei’s put such terrible images in your head. Let Peri speak her truth instead!

QUEEN. (sighs). Fine! It is the least we can give her, after all—an open mind and a listening ear. I shall summon her, yes, I shall summon her! To put us all at ease!

SUMMON — CHORUS

Perpugilliam! Perpugilliam!

We call you to our consilium!

Perpugilliam! Perpugilliam!

At our twee garden pavilion!

(PERI appears from the stands of Herbabaculum vitae, a single flower pokes out from her hair. She bows to both the Queen and the other fairies.)

CHORUS

It is she! (It is she!)

The one we have all missed,

It is she! (It is she!)

Now standing in our midst!

SOLO — PERI

(trudging to center stage)

I am but a lost and lonely fairy;

A shattered heart is all I carry

Despondent, disregarded, and displaced,

For all I love has surely gone to waste!

(she begins to weep)

(ALL other fairies glance at one another with perplexed expressions)

QUEEN. (embraces PERI, wiping her tears with a handkerchief before facing all of the fairies; bellowing) You see, it is that man! The vile man we call the Doctor! How he makes the young one weep! These are the truths you reap, when you mess with the one who never sleeps!

MEL. You’re wrong!

CANDY. Speak to us, Peri; tell us what happened!

ARIA — PERI

It was only but a year ago,

When they stole him from my bosom!

They left me stranded; lost in space

To fend for my life as a woman!

On a space station they took him,

Without a where or why or when

And there he sat,

Dressed in his spats

In the middle of a courtroom scrim!

They accused him of a policy

Of one he did not do

Interfering with life’s balance

Causing genocide through and through

But the plaintiff had no evidence

Well, he did but it was flawed

But the truth was dismissed

As the lies did convince

And they locked him in the bottom of a

precipice!

QUEEN. Good heavens!

KATHY. Who did it?!

PERI.

A man by the name of the Valeyard!

ALL. A man by the name of the Valeyard!

PERI.

And his accomplice the Master!

ALL. And his accomplice the Master!

QUEEN. How long has your dearest been locked away?

PERI. Fifty years!

QUEEN. (slightly blasé). But a blip in an immortal’s lifetime, but still, a tragedy indeed!

MEL. (running up to comfort her). Oh, Peri, what will you do?

PERI. (sulking). I—I don’t know...I can’t just leave him down there! Who knows what they’re doing to him…

KATHY. Whyever would they do such a thing! How wretched! An innocent chap!

PERI. The Time Lords...they ‘employed’ the Valeyard to put the Doctor on trial. If he succeeded, they would grant him the rest of the Doctor’s lives…

CANDY. How dreadful!

PERI. (sniffling). Now I understand why the Doctor never spoke fondly of his kind...

QUEEN. We cannot allow our dearest Peri to wade in the depths of dejection. We must think of a plan to return her back to her companion.

CANDY. We must! Let us think…

(the fairies make obvious ‘thinking poses’)

MEL. What if she was a man!

ALL ex. PERI. A man!?

MEL. Peri can’t sneak into the dungeon the way she is! It would be too conspicuous. If she had a disguise, maybe she could find a way to get to the Doctor.

QUEEN. That just might be the ticket.

PERI. B—but how am I going to do that?

QUEEN. We’re fairies! We will engulf you in the Shroud of Grey! Thus no one will ever know it’s you.

KATHY. It’s worth a try.

PERI. It’s worth a try!

(MEL joins the other fairies; QUEEN takes her spot beside PERI.)

DUET — WITH CHORUS

QUEEN.

Our wondrous Peri,

Blessed with the everlasting youth

Of a fairy

Must disguise herself

As a mortal —

Halt thy feckless chortle —

As she dances to the rhythm

Of Fidelio!

PERI.

I will lose my wings,

The dainty little things;

I will gain some muscle,

In case I need to tussle;

Though fighting skills I lack

CHORUS.

Oh, don’t you worry about that!

QUEEN.

Though I cover you in shrouds of grey,

Your love you must

downplay

Surreptitious and treacherous,

A worthy feat

For a skilled adventuress!

PERI.

I may be young at heart,

But their schemes I will outsmart

I may be from a kind,

Where deceit has since resigned

But my name is Perpugilliam,

And I can shout

As loud as I want to!

CHORUS. (taking steps towards Peri).

She can shout as loud

As she wants to!

PERI.

I can shout—!

CHORUS and QUEEN.

She can shout—!

ALL.

As loud as (I/she)

Want(s) to! Etc,

(Exit ALL.)

Chapter Text

SCENE II — A prison courtyard; somewhere in W. Europe; the 18th-19th century, but it has (technically) been a year since Scene I.

MARZELLINA is busy applying her makeup and uses a handheld looking glass to see what she is doing. She is dressed as though going out for a night on the town.

MARZELLINA. Oh, I can’t wait to see my love. While my heart did flutter at first for—what was his name, again—Jacquino, ever since Fidelio arrived, my heart has desired no one else.

ARIA.

How I long to see you

Every minute of the day

Your image cloaks my thoughts

And yet I love you all the same

They ask me what I want to be

And I say ‘just with him’

To have us be one in the same

Would fill me to the brim!

From the moment I first saw your face

And heard the way you talked

‘Bout trees ‘n’ plants ‘n’ shrubs ‘n’ things

I’ve been watching like a hawk

But now the time has come, it’s true

And father shall approve

Of us being one in the same

And our lives we’ll start anew!

[Enter ROCCO]

ROCCO. (confused about his daughter’s activity). What’s the occasion?

MAR. Nothing, papa. I only wanted to make myself pretty for Fidelio.

ROCCO. (waving a hand dismissively). Ah, don’t concern yourself with it—you look fine as it is. I take it he hasn’t arrived? He carries the letters that I must hand to the governor.

MAR. Haven’t seen him.

[knock]

MAR. Good heavens, that must be him now! I’ll answer the door.

(MARZELLINA does so. PERI enters with a basket loaded with items and Marzellina smothers her in embrace. Peri sets basket aside)

ROCCO. Come, come, my good man.

(PERI approaches Rocco with various papers)

PERI. Here’s the receipt from the blacksmith and the letters you asked for.

ROCCO. (reading). I don’t know how you do it, son, but you get goods cheaper than anyone I’ve ever employed—including myself.

PERI. Thanks!

ROCCO. I’ll have to reward you for it, too. It’s only fair.

PERI. A reward? But why?

ROCCO. I know the feelings you share with Marzellina. As soon as the governor leaves, you two shall marry!

MAR. (gripping Rocco’s arm). Really, papa? You truly mean it?

ROCCO. Of course!

TRIO

ROCCO.

I’ve seen the way she looks at you

I’ve seen the way you’ve cared

I wish to make one wrong turn right—

A married life you’ll share

MAR.

Father, I am positively gracious

I really can’t explain

How I’ve so looked forward to today

My joyous feelings shall not wane

PERI. (aside).

I cannot let this happen

Marzellina, you’ve been kind

But my heart is for the Doctor

You’ll soon find out in time

PERI. Well, there is one thing I ask of you, Father, since you've put so much trust in me.

ROCCO. Speak on!

PERI. Why am I not allowed into the underground cells?

ROCCO. You know that the governor has entreated me not to allow anyone near those prisoners.

MAR. But, Papa, Fidelio is an honest man. He won’t cause any trouble.

ROCCO. No, he wouldn’t. But still, there’s a criminal—a pariah—down below who I was given explicit orders for.

PERI. (trying to contain her trembling). W—what has he done? I mean, how long has he been down there?

ROCCO. At least five decades; longer than I have been over this estate.

MAR. The clown must be old and frail, Papa? Basically dead!

ROCCO. Despite the morsel of bread and drop of water I feed him, he never seems to age! (aside). Or if he does, it’s unfortunate that he cannot sell whatever elixir he uses. He would become wealthier than the King himself!

PERI. (containing herself). But, why must you starve him? The other prisoners are well-fed in comparison!

ROCCO. It is what Governor Koschei has required. In addition, he lives in complete darkness and is isolated from the others. He is to be given no objects, of any kind—including books. It is said that with one hairpin he could unlock any door. But he is also not of sound mind.

MAR. Bless his heart! Fidelio, you mustn’t burn your eyes looking upon such a wretch!

PERI. I don’t mind! I can do it; you just watch me!

TRIO

ROCCO.

An intrepid, eager helper he,

I’m glad to call a friend

Down in the caverns deep and dank

To the horrid we must tend

PERI.

The dangers do not scare me,

For many I have seen

But to stare upon the Doctor’s face

I fear of the obscene

MAR.

My capable Fidelio,

Who possesses noble heart

Will return in one piece, safe and sound

Love is life’s best rampart

MAR. I mean what I say— I believe you will be safe and all will be well.

PERI. (smiling at Marzellina, then turning to Rocco). Will you ask the governor for the permit today?

MAR. And about our wedding?

ROCCO. I will, I will. Anyway, I can’t move how I used to. Roaming up and down these steps for nothing more than to throw crumbs and check if the man’s chest still rises and falls. Yes, I will ask today. Now I must go, the letters await delivery. (ROCCO exits).

MAR.

Thank you, Father, oh thank you

You don’t know what this means

With the governor’s wish, I shall be in bliss

Better than any dream

PERI. (aside).

Finally some progress is being made

But I can hardly complain

As the Doctor’s life has gone astray

By the hands of two ruthless birdbrains

(PERI and MARZELLINA exit)

SCENE III — the MASTER is giving orders to his subordinates when ROCCO arrives.

MASTER. Rocco, how I’ve been waiting anxiously for your return. Have you the letters?

ROCCO. Here. (he hands them to Koschei)

MAST. (opening them furiously). “The grand inquisitor suspects the detainment of a number of prisoners who have been unfairly sentenced for crimes by the hands of a corrupt and disreputable state court. He is making his rounds across the country and will arrive to inspect your prison tomorrow.” (laughing maniacally) Can you believe this, Rocco? The gall of this grand inquisitor! If he sees that the Doctor is still alive...

ROCCO. If it is true, that the prisoner has been illegally—

MAST. He is a pox upon the universe! A madman! A fool! If he is released the world will fall into disrepair right before your very eyes.

ROCCO. Fire and brimstone!

MAST. Indeed, my dear Rocco. No, we must get rid of him before the grand inquisitor arrives.

RECITATIVO

ROCCO.

Are you suggesting a murder?!

MAST.

Is there any other way? The cretin must be eliminated!

ROCCO.

I could never partake in such a thing! It’s sinful!

MAST.

Don’t worry; I’d rather do it myself!

ROCCO.

(sighs) Thank you, but governor—

DUET and RECITATIVO

ROCCO.

You sound as though you think

That this is all a game

A man’s life is at stake

And yet you don’t sound sane

MAST.

Sane? In fact I am the pinnacle

With my own hands I’ll take

With my own hand’s I’ll break

Regardless if you stay or you forsake.

But just remember if you tell,

I won’t be the only one in hell

Your life I’ll steal away

Without mercy! You shall pay…

ROCCO.

Is it really so important?

To put all this effort into trickery?

MAST.

Yes! Now you will obey me!

Go down in the crypt

Dig him a grave

Then I shall come and his life shall be stripped

(aside) No one will know better; I will be spared!

ROCCO.

If you insist, I’ll get right to it.

To spare the pierrot from his suffering.

MAST. That’s the spirit, Rocco.

ROCCO. (aside).

After all of his suffering

How he has managed to survive this long

Is a miracle

Now he will finally rest

MAST. (aside).

Foolish humans,

So easy to deceive

But can never leave well enough alone

Still, it would be nice to see the Doctor

All tattered, worn, and pitiful

His mind lost to the madness

Yes...this shall be a beautiful reunion

And a beautiful finale.

SCENE IV — PERI watches Koschei and Rocco from a distance, eavesdropping.

PERI. The Master!

RECITATIVO — PERI.

It sickens me to hear

What he’s planned to do

It sickens me to know

What he has done

I’ve never understood why

So many hate you,

I’ve never understood why

So many put a bounty upon your head

Yeah, you may have your problems

But so do all of us

It doesn’t mean that you’d be

Better off dead

Without you, I wouldn’t

Have seen the planets

Without you, I wouldn’t

Have seen the stars

Without you, I wouldn’t have

Known what a true friend is…

Without you…

I don’t know where I’d be…

(pauses and looks up at the sky, wipes tear from eye)

PERI. Oh, Doctor, I won’t let him do it!

I won’t!

(runs off)

(after finishing his talk with Rocco, the MASTER departs with his men)

SCENE V — ROCCO, PERI, and MARZELLINA

MAR. (stretching her arms to the sky) Oh, how the sun warms my skin! Papa, isn’t the day lovely? Both philosophically and environmentally? Across the country there will be bunches of festivals celebrating the start of summer. Now that I have your blessing to marry Fidelio, can’t we go out and enjoy Beltane?

ROCCO. Sadly, no. There is urgent work to be done.

PERI. Maybe...maybe we can celebrate it here! We can let the prisoners enjoy the weather.

MAR. A wonderful idea!

ROCCO. Well, I see no harm in it. Let us open the lighter wards.

(Peri and a porter help to open the doors. The prisoners enter in slowly, yet sprightly.)

SCENE VI — PRISONERS standing outside in the courtyard

FINALE

PRISONERS' CHORUS

Oh, to breath in the fresh air

And see the world around us

Up here is where all dreams are made

Down there minds are ensnared

FIRST PRISONER

Soon enough freedom will come

And spare us one by one

Never again will we return

There is too much out there we yearn

CHORUS

Oh Providence! Joy! Bliss!

Is this the beginning of it all!

(An officer appears, but soon retires)

SECOND PRISONER

Hush, no shouting; guards are a plenty

Our every breath is scrutinised!

ALL

Hush, no shouting; guards are a plenty

Our every breath is scrutinised!

Oh, to breath in the fresh air

And see the world around us

Up here is where all dreams are made

Hush, no shouting; guards are a plenty

Our every breath is scrutinised!

SCENE VII — ROCCO and PERI

ROCCO. Fidelio!

PERI. What is it, Father?

ROCCO. I have seen the governor. Despite having reservations, he has authorised your marriage to Marzellina.

PERI. (feigning interest). Oh, great. And what about the dungeon?

ROCCO. He has also granted you access, provided I show you all the ropes first. You do understand that below the surface there lay men who are stark raving mad? Lest we forget the clown.

PERI. I’m not worried. I’ve seen many horrible things in this world already.

ROCCO. That is good to know, for his final hours are upon him.

PERI. (disturbed). Final hours?! I...I hope you mean he’s being released...

ROCCO. No, my son. The governor has given orders to have him killed!

PERI. Killed!? I couldn’t!

ROCCO. Don’t worry. Neither could I. Instead, the governor has instructed us to dig his grave.

PERI. (aside). I would never do that either! The Doctor is my friend, not my enemy, not a stranger! He will not give up so easily, even after all of these years…And I won’t give up on him!

ROCCO. Are you crying, my son?

PERI. (sniffling). N—no, there’s something in my eye.

ROCCO. Down in the pit you’d be remiss to touch your face with how squalid the conditions are. Believe me, his death will come as salvation.

PERI. Must we do it? Is there no other way?

ROCCO. If you fear it is too much, I can always go alone.

PERI. (with conviction, she advances towards Rocco). No! I have to! I have to see him!

ROCCO. Your enthusiasm is noted! So collect the tools, we mustn’t tarry. Hard work is upon us!

SCENE VIII — The former, the porter, and Marzellina

PORTER. (running in, almost out of breath, with Marzellina behind him). Rocco, Rocco, the governor has arrived!

ROCCO. What does he want?

MAR. He is enraged that the prisoners have been let out!

PORT. He threatens death!

ROCCO. The scoundrel! Send the prisoners back!

MAR. What a short temper that man has! I’ve never!

PORT. Such an innocent thing we’ve done for these souls, and yet...

SCENE IX — The former with the MASTER

MAST. Why have you allowed the prisoners free!? Tell me!

ROCCO. They are hardly free, Koschei. We’ve only given them fresh air and warm sun, something that is not a privilege but a right.

MAST. You fool! Criminals deserve nothing, especially those who are a plague against society.

PERI. (aside). How I wish I could speak up against such a heartless fiend! He thinks he’ll get away with killing the Doctor, but he won’t! Not as long as I’m around!

ROCCO.

Today is the first day of summer

Elsewhere the festivities occur

Blithe skipping round the maypole

And dancing to the beat of the drum.

Today is the first day of summer

Do you not feel the fresh air on your face

Do you not allow the sun’s warmth

To penetrate your spirit?

The prisoners — they are stuck

Behind walls, a lock, and key

The least we could do

Is allow them a minute of bliss.

MAST.

Instead of pandering to common criminals

You should be digging the grave

Especially after the favours I’ve given

From the goodness of my heart...

ROCCO. (dejected sigh). Take them away, all, take them away.

PORTER. (shouting to Peri and the prisoners)

You heard what he said!

Lead the prisoners away!

Let them see no more of this day!

Back to their cells of misery and dread.

(begins ushering jailers back to cells)

MAR.

The pity!

PERI.

At least they were given the chance

Some have not been able to seize

ROCCO. That is true, but alas, it is the rule. You have heard it yourself. When they are finally due to be released, the sun will still continue to shine, as it does in Heaven.

(The prisoners lament, but make their way back into their cells. PERI joins the Porter in ushering.)

Chapter Text

ACT II

SCENE I — The underground prison, but specifically the cell where the DOCTOR lies alone in his ragged shirtsleeves. A manacle is fastened to his ankle and is attached to the wall by a long chain. His coat is strewn in the corner of the cell. The prison is squalid and there is a chill. If one listened closely they'd hear the faint chattering of rodents from within the walls. His hair is matted and his nails are blackened from futile attempts of escape. The soft chant of “Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.” is uttered in the background as the Doctor awakens.

RECITATIVO and ARIA

[Aria sung to “Vesti la Giubba” from Pagliaccio]

DOCT. (slowly rising to sit on his knees)

Oh! How my head spins!

I cannot take another second

of this torment!!!

What is left or right? What is

North or south?

Who am I anymore!?

Who...who was...I?

Hark! Since I have been confined in this

Sordid sepulchre,

I no longer know what I think

Or what I feel!

And yet I must stay pragmatic,

I must try!...

Pah! You are not a Doctor!

You are a clown!

You wear your costume and toffee

Your nose

They want you to humour them with

Your virtuous sensibilities

And when the miscreants steal away

Those whom you love

Prance, clown, and all will be humoured!

Turn your anger and sobs into

Jokes,

Your pain and sorrow into a smirk

Ah!

Laugh, clown,

At your shattered life!

Laugh at the grief that plagues

Your soul!

(he swoons)

SCENE II — ROCCO and PERI

PERI. (shivers despite holding a torch). No matter where I am, it seems like all these tunnels look the same...and are always cold.

ROCCO. There’s only so many ways one can construct an underground prison.

PERI. Or lair. Or throne room. Or anything else.

ROCCO. (pointing) Hark! There he is.

PERI. (approaching the Doctor with trepidation). H—he isn’t moving…! Are...are we too late?!

ROCCO. Did you expect him to be doing flips?

PERI. N—no, but it’s the middle of the day. I...just expected him to be up...calculating figures or...or monologuing about metaphysics or something…

ROCCO. Meta—? He’s been locked away for decades with nothing but morsels of bread and an inch of water every day. The last thing the mind wants to do is exert itself with useless thoughts.

PERI. Maybe you’re right...

ROCCO. He must be sleeping. After all, it is a close friend of death. No matter, here—(hands Peri a pickaxe) let us begin. The area in question is over there.

(ROCCO and PERI start their task. The torch is set in a wall holster.)

DUET

(hushed)

ROCCO.

Let us dig, let us dig

The grave for this poor fellow

PERI.

Let us dig, let us dig

Before the poor man bellows

ROCCO.

We strip the earth

Piece by piece

Till we reach sufficient depth

PERI.

We toss away

The rocks inside

Till we reach the ideal breadth

ROCCO. (wiping brow). It’s hard work but someone has to do it!

PERI. (out of breath). My arms feel like they’re on fire...and my hands...oof. (leaning against wall) Can we take a break?

(ROCCO hands her a pitcher of wine and continues to toil)

ROCCO.

We’re making speedy progress

Look at what we’ve done

If we stop now

He’ll surely frown

For patience he has none

PERI.

(aside). I wish I could stop

And end this all

And rescue the feeble Doctor

I don’t care much for the opinions of

The stupid, wicked Master

PERI. He moved!

ROCCO. The criminal? He has awoken?

(PERI minces towards the Doctor, but ROCCO leaps out of the grave and takes the lead)

ROCCO. How was your sleep? Restful?

DOCT. Restful? Restful?! Look at me, man! I’ve been chained to a rock in the most insalubrious of places for practically half of your lifespan while being starved, beaten, and plagued with rats nipping at my feet! And you have the audacity to ask if I’m restful?!

ROCCO. And yet you speak as though a free man. You see, Fidelio? (gesturing at the Doctor) The man is abrasive and insolent. He’s more of a Bottom than a Puck.

PERI. (approaching the Doctor, whose head now hangs low as he tries to muster his strength) H—he’s just…(she cannot get herself to say any more)

DOCT. (his voice slightly raspy). Please, who is over this prison? I need to know.

ROCCO. Governor Koschei.

DOCT. Koschei. Koschei…you must describe him in the best possible detail that you can.

ROCCO. What do you take me for?

DOCT. Just do it, man!

PERI. It’s a simple request, Father!

ROCCO. Ehh, average height. Dark hair...beard. Beguiling—almost hypnotising—eyes. Not buff but not scrawny either. Strong, yet calm, voice that can swindle the most experienced tricksters.

DOCT. (seeming to regain all strength). Exactly what I’ve thought all this time: this is the Master’s doing. Most likely under the orders of the Barnyard!

ROCCO. Barn...yard…? You really are mad.

DOCT. Also known as the Valeyard. I’m sorry, but I can’t explain any further. I need to find a way out of here.

ROCCO. Still? Haven’t you tried every technique in the book already?

PERI. (with conviction). He doesn’t surrender. Especially when faced with adversity.

ROCCO. You speak as though you know him.

PERI. N—no, never seen him before in my life. Um…(looking down at the pitcher she still holds) can we allow him a sip? Considering what’s going to happen to him?

ROCCO. (nonchalant shrug). You may; why not.

(PERI hands the Doctor the pitcher and he gulps gratefully)

DOCT. Peri...It reminds me of Peri, so sweet and...(whimpering) Oh, my dear Peri!! How I yearn for her daily with every last fibre of my being...So many years...without even a farewell...oh! Tell me it isn’t true! Tell me that she will once again appear before my weary eyes! (he swoons once more).

ROCCO.

If he still calls out for love

He can’t be too far gone

The image of her is strong enough

To help him carry on

PERI.

(aside) He speaks of me like

I’ve gone away forever

Little does he know

I am right here.

In due time, I’ll reveal my secret to you

Once I’m sure there is nothing left to fear

SCENE III — The former

[Enter the MASTER]

MAST. Have you finished?

ROCCO. We have.

MAST. Good…(suspicious) and take that child away.

ROCCO. Go, Fidelio.

(PERI does not leave, but instead tip-toes towards the part of the wall where the shackles are bolted. She finagles with it over the course of the conversation.)

MAST. (Steps towards the Doctor, who has reawakened by the sound of a familiar voice. They face one another with eyes of rage).

I’m sure you’ve figured out who I am by now, Doctor.

After decades of humbling that loathsome ego

Now, the time has come

For me to destroy you

Feast your weary eyes upon me!

As I have won!

And so easily it was done

With a little help from our friends

DOCT. What exactly are you getting out of my humiliation? I find it difficult to believe it’s just to stroke your own sadistic desires; waiting fifty years to kill me isn’t your speed.

MAST. The Valeyard and I have made a pact. After you are finito, we have decided to split your remaining lives amongst us.

DOCT. Don’t tell me you believe in that chimerical scheme! The Valeyard only acts in his own self-interest!

MAST. Your opinion of him is wrong, Doctor. No, I now see the true meaning of friendship and why humans crave it so dearly. It does have its advantages...

(A window to nothingness opens within a rock face)

ROCCO. (flinching, jumping back) What the deuce!

MAST. (aims his tissue compression eliminator at the Doctor, who is struggling to stand) Don’t try to get up. I wouldn’t want to see you desperately scrounge together the last bit of fortitude you may have left.

PERI. (having successfully unchained the Doctor she brandishes a knife at the Master) Oh, no you don’t!

MAST. (turning towards Peri). Didn’t I tell you to get out of my sight?! How dare you come between the Doctor and I!

PERI. You homicidal fiend! It’s you who should be locked up for eternity, not him!

MAST. Ahh, I know that petite voice from anywhere...Miss Peri Brown, is it? Come to save her prince.

PERI. From the wicked witch of the west!

DOCT. and ROCCO. Peri?

PERI. If you want to kill him, you’ll have to go through me first!

(the MASTER sets his sights on Peri, aiming the TCE on her instead)

ROCCO. What is going on!?

DOCT. (jumps to his feet and kicks the TCE from Koschei’s hand. In one fell swoop he picks it up and points it at the Master).

After locking me away for fifty years,

This the best you’ve got?

I’m really quite disappointed in you,

It seems you’ve lost your touch!

MAST. (while taking a step back, he raises his hands palm-outwards to his chest for a brief second)

No, there was more, Doctor

I had it all planned out...

But then this dastardly minster decided

To step in and ruin everything

DOCT.

You were afraid of being caught

Keeping me prisoner without any justification

So you employed the help of two innocent people

To assist you in covering up the crime

But in your haste,

You neglected to properly vet them

(aside). Thank you, Peri

PERI. (pleased with herself). Don’t mention it, Doctor!

DOCT. Now, you will leave here and never return. Don’t believe for a second that I won’t use this!

MAST. Ah, but if I do then how will you leave? Yes, Doctor, you’re trapped not on Earth, but within the Matrix. Everything you see here is a fabrication. Don’t look so surprised—I’m really quite disappointed that you didn’t notice. Perhaps you really did lose your mind after all!

PERI. Is it true, Doctor!?

(The ‘door to nothing’ becomes a desert wasteland).

DOCT. (lowering his hand). I—I don’t…

MAST. Watch, my dear...and learn!

(The MASTER removes a pebble from his pocket and slams it on the ground. The entire stage goes dark.)

SCENE IV — The MASTER, PERI, and the DOCTOR stand in the middle of a barren desert. Rocco has vanished along with everything that was in the prison, save for the Doctor’s coat which now graces his body. The Doctor’s dirtied appearance has been returned back to its former, immaculate self; as has his vigour and mental stability.

TRIO

MAST.

Yes, Doctor, gaze upon yourself:

The Imaginary Invalid

DOCT. (preening himself).

I must admit, this whole charade

Has me rather riveted

PERI.

But it doesn’t make any sense

Why would he go through all these lengths

Just to spite you

DOCT.

Exactly. Usually your plans are rushed

Haphazard

But here you have spent all of this time,

Watching me fester in a jail cell

As though you lack a sensible pastime

MAST.

Ah, I have but one last trick

To show you

One that may come at a shock

I am not the Master that you know...

(he removes his full-face rubber mask, throwing it to the ground)

DOCT. The Valeyard? (scoffs). Your obsession to cause malice against me is utterly despicable!

VALEYARD. I am not a very patient man, Doctor. I have been waiting to detach myself from you for centuries. But having been granted the splendid opportunity to do with you as I wished...I had to opt for the dramatic, self-indulgent route. What is another fifty years? A hundred?

PERI. You’re horrible!

VALE. Have you ever witnessed your dear Doctor, who portrays himself as a supercilious jester, begging on his knees? Grovelling for mercy every night as his madness grows exponentially? How arresting was the sight.

PERI. It’s you who should be arrested! You...you sadist!

VALE. Control your virago, Doctor. She should be on a leash.

DOCT. You brought me here again—for what? I was capable of destroying you the first time, and I can do it as many times as deemed necessary!

VALE. Capable being the key word. That was a rather admirable attempt, but—(he removes a handheld MASER from his robe) I was one step ahead. Now I am the one in control.

PERI. What...what does that do?!

DOCT. Are you mad!? If you use that you’ll never have a chance to claim my remaining regenerations! You’ll be dead, just like the rest of us!

VALE. I should be offended by your lack of faith in me, but then again, it’s that credulity which gives me the dominant hand.

DOCT. Don’t you dare!

VALE. Goodbye, Doctor. Peri. It has been a pleasure...and now the pleasure is all mine. (he presses the button right as the Doctor is about to pounce on him...).

PERI. (...and she pounces upon the Doctor right as the stage goes dark) Doctooooooor!!!!

SCENE V — The DOCTOR and PERI stand in the same idyllic garden as in Act 1, Scene 1. The Valeyard is nowhere to be seen. In fact, it appears as though the former are the only two around. Peri’s fairy form has returned.

DUET

DOCT.

(pleasantly surprised)

It appears your stratagem was futile,

Unless your intention was to send us

To a spot where the

Ambiance is positively brutal!

PERI.

He didn’t send us here—

I did!

DOCT.

You did?

You must expound, my dear!

PERI.

With my fairy powers,

I sent us back

To my precious homeworld:

The land of trees and flowers!

Here no one can find us,

We can be safe for life

Bask in the everlasting sun

And pick the edelweiss!

DOCT.

(he picks her up and twirls her around)

A-ha!

That’s the Peri I know and love,

Whom I’ve waited so long to meet

To gaze upon your face again

Is a remarkably wonderous treat!

When they said you’d left me,

I couldn’t bear to think,

But here you were,

One step ahead,

Engaged in this elaborate hoodwink!

PERI.

Did you really think I’d leave you

After all that we’ve been through?

DOCT.

(spoken) Well, you were supposed to be dead,

So...yes.

PERI. Oh, Doctor, don’t you know? I’m practically immortal!

[Enter QUEEN]

QUEEN. (gasp) Peri has returned! Fairies near and far—the one and only Peri has returned, successful from her quest! And she’s brought the Doctor!

[Enter FAIRIES]

ALL. Is it true, is it true!?

DOCT. Indeed, it is! (he takes the hand of the Queen and she curtsies) It’s an honour to make your acquaintance.

CANDY. And he’s so charming! Ahh..! (she ‘faints’ into another fairy’s arms)

MEL. Wow, Peri, I had no idea you were into such...characters.

PERI. Me neither! But sometimes the best things in life are unexpected.

QUEEN. Profound and accurate! Now, let us revel in this day! Doctor, do you intend to stay and live amongst the fairies?

DOCT. I do appreciate the offer but I— (he looks at Peri who is smiling up at him with rosy cheeks) Oh, why not! I could go for a bit of loafing about! Although...my TARDIS...I haven’t seen her in much too long…

CANDY. (disturbed) TARDIS!?

PERI. He means his space, time machine.

QUEEN. Space, time?...Ah! You mean this!

(TARDIS sound from backstage, but ‘in reality’ the box would have appeared in front of them)

DOCT. Oh, just look at the ol’ girl. Not a scratch on her that I can see; thank heavens! (satisfied sigh) Now that I have my two favourite ladies back...let the festivities commence!

KATHY. Huzzah!

ALL ex. DOCT. Huzzah!

FINALE.

(sung to “Finale” from Iolanthe)

QUEEN.

What a gallant man is he,

Who Peri has set free,

Before we continue, let’s not tarry

We can all be as one

I shall make the Doctor become

An honourary fairy!

PERI.

Every, every, every,

Everyone is now a fairy

Though as a general rule we know,

The Doctor flies also to and fro,

But never in such a dainty way

We must show him how us fairies play!

ALL FAIRIES.

Though as a general rule etc...

MEL. When the blossoms are in bloom,

Pick a handful — make a plume!

There are new treasures every day

If you look

If you believe

In the fanciful fairy way!

DOCT.

In this enchanting realm, sky-high, sky-high

Free from the rogues of Gallifrey

I/he will be surely happier, for

I’m/He’s such a noble, respectable Time Lord!

ALL.

In this enchanting realm, etc.

FIN.