Work Text:
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Before anything else, here’s what actually happens:
Chuuya’s just managed to finish his shift earlier than usual, and he spots Akutagawa being a workaholic idiot trying to come in for work when it’s his day-off. Because he knows, from past experience, that pulling teeth is harder than trying to convince the younger man that a ‘rest day’ is not part of a conspiracy to make him weaker… Chuuya brings up his trump card quickly.
“If you really want to make yourself useful today, then go ahead and accompany me.”
Since this happens in the Port Mafia Headquarters’ hallway, this statement is accompanied by a lot of unsubtle gasping by their coworkers. Hirotsu takes out a cigarette quickly as he solemnly texts someone. Higuchi looks like she’s installed waterfalls inside her eyes. There’s a dozen or so lower-ranked members who are suddenly abuzz with gossiping.
Akutagawa’s face is pinched. “I do not think that I shall be good company.”
“I’ve seen your casual wear, so you can’t have a fashion sense that’s too bad, right?” Chuuya doesn’t know what his coworkers are gossiping about, but if everyone’s fostering friendly camaraderie, it can only be a good thing. He also isn’t some rude heathen, so he doesn’t eavesdrop on them. He focuses on taking out trump card #2. “You surely have a better fashion sense than the Agency’s jinko.” He sees a crack in Akutagawa’s stony countenance and slips in the finishing blow. “That shitty Dazai likes to enjoy his day-offs, so you should too.”
And so, Chuuya brings Akutagawa with him to the mall, intent on feeding the other man and then getting him to join the Hats Fan Club of Yokohama afterwards.
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Unfortunately—
“—Thank you for assembling so quickly at my behest,” Dazai says to the group seated on the long table reserved for high-level case briefings for the Agency. He ignores the way they shudder at his politeness. “I have an extremely important, time-sensitive, possibly-world-ending case that I would like to hire the Agency to investigate.”
With a flourish, he clicks on his pointer, and the display on the projector changes to a real-time feed of a camera that must have been parked on one of the streets on the shopping district. Well, the streets are hard to see. Anything else is hard to see, really, because the camera is zoomed in on someone’s ass. A very fine-looking one, but it’s an ass nonetheless.
“Oh, it’s Fancy Hat,” Ranpo says through the powers of Ultra Deduction, and receives Dazai’s cold laser-like stare immediately. “Come on, Dazai-kun, it isn’t hard to guess~”
Dazai stares at him for a moment more, as though trying to melt him down just by the force of his glaring. But then, he relents and huffs, clicking on something so that the view zooms out until they can see two people standing in front of a store that specializes in custom-made hats.
“Through certain communication channels, I’ve learned that chibi Executive here has asked Akutagawa-kun on a date.” A brief pause as Dazai makes an aggrieved expression as he drops this bombshell. “However, I am certain that this tiny cockroach has spent the last decade pining for me. Therefore, I am hiring the best detectives I know to figure out the reason for this hatrack’s change of heart.”
A meek, “Um…”
“Yes, Atsushi-kun?”
“So, um, you’re worried that Chuuya-san did not ask you out on a date?” Atsushi tries hard to make sense of this. “Did you want Chuuya-san to ask you out instead?”
Dazai makes a horrified expression, as though someone just told him that canned crabs are cheap and disgusting. “I hate the chibi, why would I want to go out on a date with him?”
“…but you don’t want him to go out with anyone else…?”
The horror is immediately wiped away. Dazai now looks like a doting parent as he nods in approval. “That’s exactly it. For the sake of Yokohama’s peace, that chibikko isn’t allowed to go out on dates! What if he ends up being too involved with romance that he won’t pick up his phone when I want to annoy him?”
And so, at that point, Atsushi realizes that everyone else has backed away from the room, leaving him the only detective left to help his mentor with this quest.
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Atsushi tries to convince himself that it really isn’t too bad. He’ll just treat this as spending more time with his mentor without double-suicide requests being involved. Even if it means that getting spotted by two high-ranking mafia members means that death might be too merciful…
“Um, Dazai-san, what are you doing?” It takes a lot of effort to make this sound like a question, instead of a very judgmental accusation. “Why are you hiding behind a bush…?”
The two of them have successfully followed the two mafioso into the mall. Atsushi’s actually rather surprised to learn that there are so many stores that sell hats. He doesn’t get the chance to fully appreciate the economic effect of one rich redhead’s obsession, because his mentor is scuttling along like a Very Suspicious person. It’s a wonder nobody’s tried to report them to the mall’s security yet. He doesn’t even disguise himself or cover his face! On any other time, Atsushi would admire this kind of brazenness, but it really doesn’t seem like the time to do it!
Dazai is unfazed by all of these, maintaining a few meters’ distance between them and the party they’re tailing. With a self-important air, he reiterates: “We, Atsushi-kun, are spying on Port Mafia members going on a silly date.” A pause. “First, we determine their location by planting a bug into a chibi’s clothes and hacking the mall’s cameras. Next, we tail them stealthily.”
Atsushi looks at the two mafia members a few meters away from them. He’s about to tell his mentor that there’s no way someone as prickly as Akutagawa is even aware that ‘dating’ is an actual concept. But then, he looks at the way Chuuya’s able to easily coax Akutagawa into bowing down so he can try wearing a gaudy fedora. And goes, “Oh my god, they’re on a date.”
“Right?!” Dazai, nearly twenty-five, pouts like a five-year-old who’s just been told that they have cooties. “I cannot believe the chibi even has anything aside from hats and wine inside his tiny brain!”
Atsushi doesn’t really know Chuuya enough, aside from the fact that the man is absolutely terrifying. And has godly powers. After all, not anyone has the ability to make Dazai do (questionable) work out of his own volition. Oh, and there’s that time when the man landed from the sky like a meteor and obliterated a small island in one go.
So, Atsushi’s focus is on other things. “I didn’t even know Akutagawa is capable of an expression that isn’t at least 90% murderous…”
Thanks to his excellent vision, he can see the flush on the other’s usually-pale face. He looks embarrassed and Atsushi feels all sorts of itchy looking at him—oh, wait, that’s probably just a rash from the bush they’re hiding behind. While he’s busy scratching his skin and moving away from the bush, he tunes in to Dazai muttering things such as: “if he really wants to pamper someone, he can buy me all sorts of bandages, but noooooooo, he chooses to be nice to someone with lesser eyebrows than me” and “that chibikko really is an airhead, doesn’t he know that if he smiles like that, the other party will fall for him for sure?”
“Akutagawa can’t fall for him!”
“Exactly! It would be a shame if I’ll have to make Akutagawa conveniently disappear.”
“Eh? No!” Atsushi wants to shake his mentor. Given that Dazai is creepily muttering to himself, there’s no guarantee that it’s safe to touch him though. “If Akutagawa falls for him, then he can’t focus on shin soukoku things!”
“Oh, that.”
“Dazai-san!”
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From two meters away, Chuuya leads Akutagawa to enter a café so they can rest after spending two hours shopping for hats. Akutagawa already looks like he’s about to keel over from being made to act as a convenient dress-up doll.
“Thanks for helping me out today,” Chuuya says with a smile. He picks up the menu and is satisfied with the available selection. If only there isn’t the weird stench in the atmosphere, it would have been the perfect ambiance. “Order anything you want, it’s my treat.”
From behind them, there’s the sound of gnashing teeth. Chuuya internally rolls his eyes. Typical Dazai, really. He always acts weird whenever Chuuya pays for someone else—and yet, he always mooches off him.
“I do not require anything.” Akutagawa looks haunted. “Chuuya-san, why is Dazai-san glaring so harshly at me? Is going to this mall not helpful to building strength, after all?”
“If you don’t make a choice, I’ll just order all the orange-flavored sweets.” A pause as he does another internal eye-roll at the sound of Dazai biting through a fork. “He’s just jealous that his head is so ugly that he can’t pull wear hats without looking stupid.” And then, he bites his lip as he assesses the situation. “But you look like a natural in them.”
“…?”
“How about it?” There it is, his real reason for inviting Akutagawa today! “There’s an exclusive organization made of connoisseurs when it comes to hats. Would you like to join it too?”
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Very slowly, Atsushi backs away from his mentor. His mentor, who’s currently cackling like a madman. Because he’s a good kouhai—and because they haven’t paid yet, and he doesn’t have money—he stays and hedges, “Um, Dazai-san…?”
“Fufufu, of course it’s just for the sake of his stupid hats!” Extreme happiness has never looked so scary. “That chibikko really only has hats for brains! He’s not in love with Akutagawa-kun at all! Ah, this means he’s still pining for me! I hope he confesses soon so I can reject him and laugh at him and then force him to buy things for me!”
“He has bad taste,” Atsushi mutters under his breath. Thankfully, it seems that Dazai doesn’t hear that.
Dazai even goes so far as to clutch his hands, eyes shining. “It’s a cause for celebration, Atsushi-kun!”
Not even a few seconds later, and Chuuya generously provides real-time proof that he has incredibly bad taste in men. A knife comes wheezing through their table, very, very close to slicing off Atsushi’s thumb.
The angry redhead is stomping towards their table. “Shitty Dazai, why the hell are you holding hands with your kouhai! Stop spreading your mackerel germs on your hapless subordinate, damn it!”
The only thing that runs in Atsushi’s mind is: “Oh, he’s stupidly in love too.”
“What are you going to do, chibi?” A manic gleam on his eyes. “Are you going to guard me the entire time, just to make sure I don’t hold hands with anyone?”
“I’ll just cut off your stupid hands!”
“Then I’ll just go straight to kissing people~~~”
Chuuya goes red. Atsushi’s torn between hoping it’s due to rage or sheer embarrassment. But then, his gaze slides off the two older men, and spots Akutagawa looking very pinched in the background. He decides to abandon his mentor—who’s now grinning in contentment—so he can hop over to him.
He approaches with a, “Our mentors are really hopeless, huh?”
“…Jinko.” For once, Akutagawa actually looks happy to see him. Atsushi is a bit thankful that his value has been boosted because of all the insanity around them.
There’s the sound of two people colliding, hissing and then kissing frantically. Seems like Chuuya’s decided to save the rest of Yokohama’s population from being kissed by Dazai, by occupying Dazai’s mouth instead.
“…Let’s get out of here?” He proposes, the moment he sees a familiar bolo tie flying through the air. “I’m sure they’d want some… uh, privacy.” Never mind that they’re still inside a very public café.
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Next day, Atsushi is once again thankful for soukoku’s shenanigans, because everyone is more focused on avoiding Dazai, his glowing smile, and his glowing recommendation of various kissing techniques and positions. That way, nobody notices the way Atsushi grins when he texts Akutagawa to set up their next date.
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end