Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Memories, make us who we are. Souvenirs of time that crawl into our thoughts and make a home in the corners of our minds. All the good and the bad tales, all of the losses and the victories, all of the pain and happiness. 

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His hand runs gently through Jim's hair as he starts lulling some sweet whispers.

"...Hold your breath when a blackbird flies

see the dust through your playground eyes..."

This is their favourite ritual. Every single problem will flutter away from Jim's mind. Seb... Seb is here with him, that's important, he cares for him.

"We're all in love tonight..."

Their lips slowly mingle, so sweet and sleepy... finally, Jim will get some sleep.

"...Leave a dream where the fallout lies

Watch it grow where the tearstain dries..."

There are times where he will go on without sleeping for days. He thinks Sebastian doesn't notice, but he doesn't want to make Jim feel worse so he says nothing. He wonders what Jim thinks about. What puts his beautiful mind to racing without a break. 

"...To keep you safe tonight..."

Jim's breath tingles the skin on his neck. Sebastian places a kiss on his forehead and drapes his arms around Jim.

"Good night kitten."

They both drown in a deep sea of dreams and hope.

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When you're weak they remind you of better times, when you're glorious they remind you of your worst days.

Fear of forgetting; fear of leaving behind all that made you who you are, of not remembering all the people who helped in creating whatever monster you have creeping under that skin...

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The room is dark. Jim is sitting back and watching Sebastian beat the hell out of an idiot. Sebbie has had to take his shirt off because he was getting sweaty... on Jim's orders obviously. His shoulder blades glint with moist, showered in the dim lighting of the room.

God he's so hot and perfect. The way his scars slide from his torso down the sides of his hips...

He takes a deep breath and continues his study of his right-hand man's tensed muscles.

Sebastian hits the poor moron tied up to the chair again.

"Tell. Me. Who. You. Sold. It. To."

I wonder if he's panting on purpose after each word just to turn me on...

We'll have to do something about that now won't we. Oh very soon indeed...

James gets his suit jacket off, and leaves it on the desk, then walks closer to the man tied to the chair, gets a knife out of his pocket, and slits his throat. Blood slides down the bastard’s neck slowly and Seb wants to ask what he's doing, but one look into Jim's eyes is enough...

The knife clatters to the ground. 

"I don't need that to play with you do I?"

Seb can't smile; he'd love to slam this little fucker against the wall and teach him a lesson for once, but he can't hurt him.., not ever.., not Jim.

He falls to his knees and looks up at James with devotion. Sebastian adores him. All the gore and all the passion that he stands for, all that he is, all that he could be... with him.

Jim wasn't quite expecting that. Sebastian just kneeling in front of him and letting go.., just like that. He'd never done that. During their usual games he'd always try to fight his way out of Jim's possessiveness. When Jim would claw he'd bite harder. That was what they were, he thought.

Now they are just staying frozen, both.

"Get up Sebastian."

Then he throws Seb his drenched shirt.

"And get dressed, we got more work for today."

Jim gets out of the room and barely speaks a word for the rest of the day.

....................................................................................

Cold winds. He takes a deep breath.

Now it will all finish, finally.
But.., Seb?
It doesn't matter.
Oh.., but it matters so much.
It always has.

His phone rings; it's Sebastian, again.

Hear Sebs' favourite song one last time?
You are pathetic. Pathetic.
Enough.

The ringtone keeps going without answer. Sherlock approaches with caution.

Showtime.

"Ah. Here we are at last, you and me, Sherlock, and our problem, the final problem."-

Sebastian will be sad, won't he. 
Sad? No.., he'll die from the inside you moron,-

“Staying alive; it's so boring isn't it? I mean.., it's just staying. Ugh. All my life I've been looking for a distraction."-

And Sebastian was fucking worth it.-

"You were the best distraction,"-

Sebastian you were the most beautiful distraction..,-

"and now I don't even have you."-

Because I'm an idiot.-

"Because I've beaten, you. I've beaten you."

Jim buries his face in his palms.

"And you know what? In the end it was easy. It was easy." -

Oh really it's so easy right?-

"Now I’ve got to go back to playing with the ordinary people. And it turns out you’re ordinary just like all of them."-

End the game. Now.-

"Ah well. Did you almost start to wonder if I was real? Did I nearly get you?"

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Uhh what is Sherlock saying? God.., this guy is so boring. How did I even ever have any interest in him.

Oh he thinks the keycode is real. This is hilarious. Let's slip in some hints. Our turn.

"I knew you’d fall for it. That’s your weakness, you always want everything to be clever. Now, shall we finish the game? One final act. Glad you chose a tall building, nice way to do it."-
....................................................................................

He thinks of last night. Limbs tangling inside those silky sheets for the last time. Their hearts pumping love into their bodies. 
It's about 5 AM and James hasn't told him yet. Now he's lying on Seb's chest and listening to the steady heartbeat.

Always there for me; always.

A new melody has found its way in between them tonight. He suddenly sits upright and cups Seb's face, taking in every single detail, down to the last one. Shutting his eyes, lays a last desperate kiss on his lover’s lips. He knows what will happen to them.

"I,-

You, are the most wonderful person-"

Finish one sentence goddamnit!

"Thank you Sebastian.., for everything... I, love, you."

Jim seems worried and Seb never fails to read him; he smiles tiredly and rests his head against the soft palms.

"Jim, I-, I'll always be there for you. Are you okay?"

Concern runs through Sebastian's features.

"You know what? Com'ere."

He cloaks Jim's fragile figure in a warm hug defending him from all that is bad in this world.
They both enjoy this silence. Only their thoughtless hopes veiling nightmares with faith.

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Sebastian doesn't know, but he will. After all we were naughty enough to make him stay an' watch, through his snipers's scope to make suuure Sherlock dies. What will he think, I wonder...

" 'Genius detective proved to be a fraud.' I read it in the paper, so it must be true. I love newspapers. Fairy tales... And pretty grim ones too. "

Sherlock keeps on chattering some more.

"Okay, let me give you a little extra incentive.
Your friends will die if you don’t.
Your death is the only thing that’s gonna call off the killers. I’m certainly not gonna do it."

“You’re not going to do it. So the killers can be called off, then, there’s a recall code or a word or a number.”- tattled Sherlock."

Sherwin are you for real?

Do I shoot his brains out right now?

Ugh no fun in that. What's he even going on about?

"-if I've got you!"

"Sherlock, your big brother and all the King’s horses couldn’t make me do a thing I didn’t want to."

"Yes, but I’m not my brother..."

No? Then...

"Naah. You talk big. Naah. You’re ordinary. You’re ordinary – you’re on the side of the angels."

This is gonna be funny...

"Oh, I may be on the side of the angels, but don’t think for one second that I am one of them."

Oh dear I am so much gonna murder everyone you love, just not today.

"No, you’re not.”- He takes a deep breath.- 
“I see. You’re not ordinary. No. You’re me. You’re me! 
Thank you! Sherlock Holmes. Thank you. Bless you. 
As long as I’m alive, you can save your friends; you’ve got a way out. Well, good luck with that."

Jim takes a gun out of his coat pocket and shoots himself. He's laying lifeless on the ground and blood is pooling around his head.

Sebastian had been running for twenty minutes, no more than that, maybe? To him it seemed more than forever. His heart was jumping out of his chest.

Some people had gathered at the foot of the hospital. That was not good.

Fuck Jim you can't... You shouldn't have...

Today Jim sent him three buildings away from St Barts. Goal: Make sure Sherlock doesn't get out of there alive.

All had been going well until Jim showed up on the rooftop, and then Sebastian called Jim and he didn't pick up. Why wouldn't he pick up? That was too much. Seb had started running. Something was really off.

He climbed the stairs as fast as he could only to get out on the terrace and find nothing.

Except for a pool of blood.

Oh god where is he?

Chapter Text

24 days after Reichenbach

Nothing. Nowhere. No one.

Sebastian throws his phone away and drops himself on the couch. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. That's all he can do now, along with drinking.

What did I do wrong?

"What have I missed?" - he wonders, voice cracking on the last syllables. Another deep breath to stop his voice from cracking again, but in vain.

"So. I went-

I went through every file in his office but there is nothing newer than our first deal 4 years ago.

I contacted everyone who worked for him that could've had information, but I didn't get answers from any of them.

I checked all the safehouses and found no one.

No one!"

Sebastian stops crying. He stops breathing too. After some seconds of silence he gives in to manic laughter.

"Why the hell would he ever care?

Why-"

Seb reaches for the bottle again and drowns himself in alcohol, before passing out.

Jim observes him. Three days ago Seb visited Sherlock's grave while he was drunk. He cursed and yelled all his sorrows out. Jim was there standing in the shadows, taking a peek at all the pain he'd caused.

James wants to put both their souls out of misery, but he has to finish the plan. No, he can't stand this, watching his tiger die.

Today all Sebastian has done is drink, pass out on the sofa, wake up, drink, plunge to the sofa and cry. 

What could I say? How could I explain?

"Sebastian I'm alive. Keep on going without me."- Jim whispers almost soundlessly holding his gaze towards their old flat's windows.

I am too tired to start running so I'll shut you out.

I want you to put me to sleep and tell me it's going to be fine again. I miss that already.

I don't really know what I am looking for. I don't want you to feel pain because of me, but watching your soul crumble the same as mine gives me pleasure.

I want to protect you from everything and everyone and be an egoistic whore for once in my life. No, I want to protect you from me, I'm toxic and everything withers around me.

I don't want to live anymore but I have to as long as you're there. So I'll drive you away, at the greatest velocities, trying to escape from your gravitational pull.

And I have already succeeded in that.

What will remain from our world after I destroy you? So I'll leave before I truly realise what I've done. With every passing minute and hour I'll miss you more.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for everything. Move on for me please. One last kill you'll have to make in my name... Murder your feelings for me, do it slowly and painfully just like our love, so that it leaves one final scar on your perfect being. Don't look for me, you won't find a human, or a monster. You won't find anyone.

I'll always watch over you, when there are threats I'll be there to get rid of the enemies and carry your beating heart on my bare palms towards safety. I am bound to you, with chains of iron that burn my skin and imprison my soul... my mind. I was always weak for you, you were the one thing that kept me on earth and ironically enough would send me through the legions of heaven and hell.

You were my paradise. You incarcerated my soul in the darkest pits of doom, and I thank you. Thank you for showing me that I can feel, and that I could live and I could be someone to someone, and that maybe... I mattered to you? My gratitude knows no boundaries dear tiger.

I never could say anything and I still don't know why. No. No, I know why, I always knew why. I always knew we'd be the death of each other, so I thought it would be better if no words were ever spoken.

Maybe if I don't say it out loud I won't feel the pain, maybe I won't..?

I want you to be happier. Even though I hate this with all that I am, even though I will never feel again, I'll go.

Promise me you'll take care of yourself, of my beautiful tiger. Time to rest now, for both of us... So long and good night.

Love Jim.

What would Sebastian say to that?

He's been standing on the roadside for about an hour now. Suddenly there is some movement in the flat. If only he could catch a glimpse of Seb. Jim feels like screaming, just letting it all out. Running back and sinking into Sebastian's arms, breathing him in.

He walks away.

Meanwhile Sebastian wakes up feeling dizzy. He gets out on the balcony for some fresh air. That probably would help clear his mind. He sees the shadow of a man that looks just too familiar.

Impossible. No, no.

Seb looks down on the figure again.

It is him, maybe?

Shirtless, covered in sweat and reeking of booze, he runs for the door. Turns around the same corner that the man took and.., nothing.

He turns back home. He slumps on that damned couch again. It feels empty... Not knowing.

I need to shower, and maybe eat something. Jim probably would tell me to.

Sebastian bolts up. Memories, there's nowhere to escape. He lets the water flow. He needs forgetfulness to bless him, take his mind off everything.

Sebastian breathes, he tries to think of nothing, only feeling the water dripping, over his skin.

He gets out when the water turns too cold. Sebastian enters Jim's room for the first time since that day.

Dust. The room still smells of his expensive cologne. He wears Jim's favourite t-shirt and tucks himself between the sheets that contain traces of him. He is too tired.

His line of thought is interrupted as he finally gets some rest.

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4 years ago

He checks the time again. Twenty seven minutes past eleven. Everything goes on too slow. Everything is too boring. There is nothing worthy fighting for.

Filthy streets of filthy cities, all kinds of monsters roaming, waiting around the corner for the next victim. And he is their ruler. Moriarty.., a name that gets you killed if mentioned. His name. A whisper on the mouths of all that like good business. Pride, lust, anger, greed... all the souls of sinners belong to him.

The car stops, he gets inside the building. A little bit too luxurious for the shallow and incompetent rats running around inside. They have messed up the Petrov deal. Well, at least he is going to have some fun now.

Jim enters the room. The two brothers were in the brink of passing out, their faces covered in blood. His men had been a little fervid when they were bringing them here.

Now that's bad. People with no self-control in this business are not good for anyone.

James takes a chair and sits in front of the two.

"Now, I've had a pretty long day, - he confesses, - and guess how happy I'll be to blow your fucking brains out, after you idiots tell me how the hell did you manage to break the deal." He rubs his temples, and gestures for a gun to one of his men.

Twitching out of anger and with a mischievous smirk on the edge of his lips he presumes:

"Unless you'd like to end up getting turned to dogfood... piece of flesh after piece of flesh, slowly cut out of you... Being stripped off your skin little by little by whatever maniac got carried away like this with you... Believe me, you would like to tell me."

He grabs the eldest one by the jaw and yells: "Start talking right now!"

Both of them stand silent.

"Okay then, - Jim shot the younger brother's leg, - One."

"Wait what?"

"Two."- and blood started spilling out of the second shot on his shoulder.

"No wait,"

"Going for his head next better hurry."- Jim sings.

"Aaaand threeee-"

"Wait I'll tell you, - blurts out the eldest Petrov. I'll tell you, just please promise me Ian gets out."

"Very well... speak."

"We were contacted by a private number, they threatened to kill us unless we did what they said. They knew everything."

"Continue..."

"We left the suitcase where they told us to. We were advised to get out of there and not tell anyone about anything."

"Oh, anyhow." And with a small click dear Ian's brains are laying on the ground. No time for crying though, so Jim finished the other one quickly and told his men to clean up.

Now this is interesting, someone dares challenge my authority... Ugh this fucking headache will kill me.

He gives orders for the moron who'd beaten the Petrovs to a pulp to get fired.

In about an hour he finds himself back at his apartments complex. He tries to sleep. Jim is tired. It's silent. One can only hear the ticking of the clock.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Jim can't sleep. He doesn't want to bother himself with work.

He goes to the bathroom, opens one of the drawers and picks up a blade, sits down on the cold floor and rolls up his right sleeve. Jim is all alone. If someone could barge in right now. Anyone. It doesn't matter, anyway. He is crying, and smiling at the pain refreshing his senses. Red spots on the floor appear. After Jim becomes content with the amount of blood spilled, he bandages his latest work of art and decides to go out.

Jim changes in some casual clothes. He leaves his place and goes to the nearest pub. After some shots he starts to feel the effects of the toxins coursing his body. He sees a young blond standing on the corner. Jim decides to approach.

The other must be 23 or something. They're at his place. His hands shake as he tries to open the door. He finally opens it. Jim doesn't wait. He slams the other against the wall. His tongue explores the boy's mouth.

What was his name? Jim doesn't remember.

Jim slides his hands under the boy's shirt and runs his hands coarsely over his skin, he breaks their kiss to take off his shirt. Jim backs off for a moment before digging his teeth on his neck and sucking hard, causing a whimper to slip from the other man. Sweet melody for Jim. The boy's hands reach for Jim's belt and undo it.

"Got a bed or a couch, hun?"

Chapter Text

Bodies smashing, hips rolling, slow, heavy rocking. Something to shield him from his thoughts.

"Oh lord. Oh-..."

Countless and emotionless pants filled with joyous pain. Profound thrusts. Both of their bodies giving in to the need, surrendering, letting their guards down and suffering. It's all over his stomach, all over his thighs, all over the other's spine. So pleasing. Serenity. It's fucking paradise. It becomes more vulgar and harsh over time. Running out of breath, letting each other feel the ache, the tormention, the despair, the purity.

He pushes Jim away; not losing any time, has him under, still stunted, trying to get out of the other's grasp.

"Oh it's my turn now..."

He pulls Jim's hair and exposes his skin to the bites while working his way in. A loud moan slips from Jim.

This is kind of disappointing. Everything just has to become boring sooner or later right?

"Not quite dearie..."

Jim slips from the hands keeping him in place and goes for the other's neck. The stranger is gasping for breath, not so much out of pleasure now. Jim uses his thumbs to break the fragile throat. After a cracking sound and some final tired half-breaths he stops. Jim moves closer to the cooling figure. He has to saviour and honor the warmth leaving a soulless body. Jim embraces the corpse and rests his lips on it's forehead.

"Goodnight."

There's something so intimate about darkness. It inhales you destroys you and makes you into someone else. It's so beautiful and quite heartless.

Tears stain the cold skin, but he feels like laughing. He feels amused, it's so easy to end everything on his reach. Jim is on his own reach. He feels empty, peaceful. Jim places a last kiss upon the corpse's heart. Everyone deserves one last act of affection. Jim allows himself to rest for a while there, but he can't loose time.

He gets up and gathers his clothes and belongings. Cleans the place. A small gas leak can fix this. No thing out of the ordinary. Jim picks up his phone and sends a text to those who had to handle the moron business.

'Finished? -M'

No one answers. Inept cunts. I have to do some changes in my staff. He decides to see on the problem himself. Time is 2:16 already. This is going to be quite a long night.

Sebastian is going down the street to pick up some files on his car. He notices 3 guys from work accidentally going down the same street. He takes the wrong turn and hides in a dark corner waiting for his followers to catch up. You can never be too sure. They were expecting this, seemingly.

Shit.

He shoots the first and the second one on their foreheads. The third one comes too close and before they can act on anything Sebastian jumps at them and punches until it becomes a weird mixture of red and pink. He has to clean this up.

Too much mess. Too much.

Sebastian stashes the bodies inside the trunk. He has to look for help somewhere. Severin, maybe. Hopefully he'll help with something, people are after him and Sebastian doesn't even know why. Sebastian drives to his brother's house and sneaks in from the kitchen window.

Severin hears noise in the house. It is around 2 AM so who the hell is there. He pulls out the glock he always keeps in his nightstand, and creeps to the kitchen from where the noise is coming. Sebastian was in there?! After so long?

"Ah hello brother, I'd missed you!"

"Sebastian what the hell are you doing here?"

"Just hanging around for a little, am I not allowed to miss my big brother?"

"Sebastian what did you do now?"

The look on Severin's face changes from concerned to disdainful.

"Actually no. Get out of here. I'm out of that business. I quit it a long time ago."

Severin points to the door letting him know he isn't welcome. Sebastian smiles his usual fuck-you-shark-smile and picks up his duffel bag. He opens the door.

"I'm sorry, you have to go."

"Goodnight, brother."

Sebastian tries to think of a solution as he approaches his car.

Where to go now? There. Always there. It's safer.

Whenever his father shouted or hit him, because he'd done something that was not acceptable for people like them, he would escape there. Alone for a while. It only got worse as he grew up. Severin was better at hiding it. Sebastian meanwhile felt like the only way was to be angry, and eventually leave. He had to.

He feels tired but not sleepy, just tired in general. He goes down the same friendly, dark streets. The stars are shining brightly. Sebastian goes further and further away from the city. His surroundings slowly run out of asphalt and street lights. He stops his car and continues on foot from there. Sebastian parts from the main street and enters a small forest path. It's quiet, except for the music of cicadas and the wind rustling through the willows howling her sad song of love at the moon.

The forest is dark and it feels like home in some kind of way. He's going somewhere he can always be away from danger. Somewhere he can rest. Somewhere he can always be him. Until his father found out about this place and forbid him to come here. What happened that day was messed up. He was there with Jason. They never saw each other again. Sebastian sometimes wonders what happened with him. Anyway.

Eventually he found a more permanent solution to his problems. That stopped him from talking to Severin for 3 years, and then their paths crossed on business. They worked together for a while. As it happened Severin dropped out, and got a normal job.

After about ten minutes of walking on foot, he finally gets there. The sky reflects its beauty on the lake surface. An endless map of constellations lays soft light over him. The cabin was empty, not a single breath.And the damn fishnets were always there. That cabin belongs to everyone pretty much, and also to no one. No one ever comes there.

He turns his attention to his own corner. He couldn't believe his eyes.

After all this time?!

They are untouched, just as he has left them. In the clean corner. The old blanket, the headphones the player and his cassettes of course. Right now it feels like everything can wait. Everything should wait.

He picks up his favourite Bon Jovi one and sits on the porch, looks at the heavens and longing for his shitty teenage years, the nights he spent here, faces he would never see again, voices he would soon learn to forget. Sebastian slowly drifts to sleep against his will.

Jim is following the trail of his prey like a beast thirsty for more blood. This should have never gotten out of hand. Three of his men have gone missing not including Moran, as Jim got to know.

He checked all the cams of the street his men had been in and got a pretty clear view of Sebastian's show. Soon he figured the car's route and rushed out to fix this himself. A bit of fun never hurts.

Sebastian wakes up suddenly. The music has stopped playing. Back to work now. He picks up a shovel, oil and match and goes to finish his business. The bodies burn and now he just has to find a place to fuck off to, and find a new job.

Jim marvels at the peacefulness surrounding him. He approaches the car and opens the door, traces of blood, but nothing there. A small light at a short distance. Interesting. Jim decides to approach. The man is looking at the fire, Jim can't quite read the expression on his face.

"Evening."

Sebastian is startled because of the uninvited presence, but he gets back to watching the flames flicking.

"For a while, before morning comes again."

"I'm not going to kill you."

Sebastian chuckles at the last sentence and continues with a smirk, never turning his gaze to the stranger.

"Sir, if you'd wanted to do that you would have. And if you regret it, might be a bit late."

Not quite one of his co-workers. The man talks very pretentiously for that. Too much greatness and stance for a simple criminal.

Moran... Interesting, very interesting indeed.

"Work for me."

"No."

"You will."

"What's in it for me?"

"You don't die, in general. If you succeed on your job, a lot of money and everything you could ever want."

"No."

Jim pauses for a moment and thoughtfully adds: "You wouldn't be alone."

Sebastian immediately turns at the man, angry but keeping it in, smiling calmly.

"My business."

Jim approaches slowly showing a business card and handing it to Sebastian.

"If you are interested, interview tomorrow at 10 AM."

Jim left without more words. When he got back home he was so tired. Sleep was so tempting right now. It was the first night of good rest he'd had in a while.

Chapter Text

I am choosing not to continue this work. My writing style has changed and I know that I would not do justice to it. I am sorry if you're one of the people who was waiting for a new chapter. For almost two years I've been trying to work on an update but the right words never came. I still love the idea behind this fic so I might try to rewrite it. I have a lot of memories in the comments my friends have written (and I love you all for your support) so I've decided not to delete this fic. Love y'all stay tuned for more. Xx Yours beloved Dorian.