Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Within the blood-stained grounds of L’Manberg, Philza stood. A shining blade in his hand, he panted, drowning out the screams of people and cackles of fire. He stood, suspended, like a pendulum. Immobile as the carnage continued. His wings raised behind his back, poised, ready to strike anyone who dares to try and harm him.

Every fibre of his being, primed, hyper-focused on his surroundings. Breathing became harder after he inhaled the smoke. Every heaving breath more painful than the last. The battle was not over, not for a long time. He wanted to close his eyes. With each minute, the weight on his back felt heavier.

Heavier.

Heavier, like the weight of the world have been pushed to his being. Like Atlas, forced to bear the weight of the world. He turned to the sounds of fighting, of people shouting, of a loud bang as more fireworks were detonated.

He had long since lost his bow, still, he fought with the blade as his only weapon. He gripped the sword tightly before charging back into the fray. With practiced motions, he brought down the blade, with each strike he felt his body burn.

The fight was long drawn out, everyone doing their best to strike at the right moment. Between all the fighting and the burning buildings, Philza knew that somewhere, in the battlefield, were his—

No, you are not their father. How can you be? Your son is dead.

—sons, he knew they were there. Knowing them they would fight till the end. It was the only reason why he stayed and fought. Why he was there, after what he did. He stayed for them. Even if every part of him screamed for him to give up.

Give up.

A foreign thought. For as long as Philza lived and breath not once did he even consider giving up. Even in his loneliest times he held strong and soldiered on. But now, after years of living and surviving, he wanted to give up. He wanted to rest his laurels. Even in the middle of the battlefield, he felt tired, feeling weary. Weary of living on.

He began to shout instructions, warning the others that the Wither was about to change its attack patterns. Phil knew how dangerous the Wither can be, once it had its armour, tridents and arrows are basically useless against it. He rushed to the side of the mob, intent on dealing some damage. It was a mistake.

Caught off-guard, he was pushed unto his back. The air leaving his lungs. His wings were able to catch him, almost cradling him. He wanted to give up then and there. On the middle of the country his sons built up from the ground.

Nobody would be wiser; they wouldn’t know, his mind whispered treacherously to him. He looked up to the sky, noticing the stars. He blinked.

He took a hold of the sword, ready to fight again. His wings were bruised from the fall but he did not care. It was time to finish the fight, he was too tired to go on if it goes any longer. He fought while the stars were watching him.

Phil didn’t stay long. He left quickly before anyone else noticed. Before the adrenaline within him even had time to subside. He knew he had done the unforgivable. He should have been purged by the Withers that were summoned at the battle. He left the people he considered his sons letters, hoping that it was enough. He did not look back.

He did not look back.

Not when looking back means facing his... his sons and telling them why he wasn’t fit to be their father. His sons, they deserve better than him. Not when looking back means telling them why his hands were stained red.

Red.

Red from the blood of their brother. From the blood of his son. Red in ways that can never be scrubbed clean. Red that means death, pain, and guilt. Guilt of a father.

It was still dark when he left. The flames burning L’Manberg were the only things that saw him leave. His wings were folded in his back, hidden by his cloak to avoid attention. He followed the stars. They have never led him astray before. They gave him the world once, maybe they could give him the solace that he needed to find.

It was cold. Phil could see the air when he breathes out his mouth. He clung to his cloak tighter, his wings tucked tightly to his body, desperate to retain the heat. He needed to find someplace, he needed it fast.

The journey was difficult, exhausting in a way that his past travels never have been. The day quickly turned to night and by the time he found the mouth of a cave, his body felt numb. He wasted a whole day just to find the cave. He went in deeper, intending to find the proper place to camp.

He chose a place secluded enough that his light will not burn out because of the harsh winds outside the cave. He sat there thinking, as he tried to process the events that happened at L’Manberg. The flames of the campfire he just created began to warm up the cave. He felt his hands shake, trembling. He rubbed the together, trying steady them.

It wouldn’t stop shaking. He brought it closer to the fire. It didn’t stop. He clenched his fist, he avoided looking at them. He’s built monuments with his hands, created wonders that amazed people far and wide but still, he couldn’t help but remember what they did.

What he did.

There was a blizzard, Philza couldn’t see the stars. Only cold numbness awaits outside. He tried to finally rest after being awake for so long. He couldn’t. He tossed and he turned, trying to find the perfect way to sleep. With a sigh, he pushed wood into the fire. Watching as the flames rose higher, crackling as they mesmerize him.

It was the closest thing he had for a star. Its warmth washed over him, warming him deep into his bones. He stretched his wings, mindful at how they ached.

He made a torch. If he couldn’t sleep then he might as well explore the cave. He wandered in deeper. He stumbled across some ruins; ancient writings carved upon the walls of the cave. Putting the torch closer, he touched the markings.

“Where did you bring me?” Phil murmured mostly to himself.

He inched closer, wary. Now that he knew that there may be traps laid out to protect the place. He lit up another torch before throwing it carefully forwards. He hoped no mobs spawned in the darkness. The air became stale as he went on onwards.

He found more ruins. Some kind of structure began to take shape. Pillars of stone bricks lined the walls. Some are cracked but many stood the test of time. It was grandiose, the celling of the cave grew taller and the sides wider the further he went on. Moss seemed to grow abundantly as he went in deeper.

Then there he was, standing at what looked like the entrance of the mysterious ruins. He was suddenly aware of how tired he was. His body ached, feeling the cold. He felt sticky, realizing he was covered in sweat and dirt. It felt like years since he last cleaned himself up.

In the end, he decided to return to his temporary camp. His mind full of questions, distracting him from self-loathing thoughts. As he drew nearer the fire, he caught a glimpse of the mouth of the cave. It was strangely quiet; the storm must have stopped. Making his decision, he went outside. Blowing out his torch when he did.

It was peaceful. His eyes slowly adjusted to the dark. He wanted to see the stars. No, he needed to see them. There in the night sky, they sparkle. Bright and mesmerizing to watch. Whenever when was troubled, he turns to them. The stars were the one constant in his life. They gave him everything.

He could not help but ask them, “Why did you bring me here?”

Phil could not help but wonder why. There must be something, a reason. Was he not done with life? Maybe this will be his penance, a price he must pay for failing. Failing his sons. He felt his eyes water, his breath stilled for a second. The coldness of the air kept him awake, making him feel more alive than ever.

He did not receive any response. No one answered him. In the frozen darkness of that night, he was alone. There was no one there but him and the glimmering shine of millions of stars.

Philza never felt more alone.

When he woke, every part of him ached. His head throbbed in pain. He felt cold, frozen stiff, the fire snuffed out during the night. He gave the dying ambers more wood. He watched as the flames rose like a phoenix being reborn from the ashes. Even after resting, he felt tired, small, unlike the flames that were growing bigger with each second. He wanted to curl into himself.

Every injured part of him was screaming for him to take care of it. He reached out to his inventory looking for something, something that will help him heal. There was nothing, only weapons made of glimmering diamonds. His inventory was full of things designed to harm, to kill, other people.

Wasn’t it always?

He needed to get his bearings. He needed to take care of himself. He went outside carrying a bucket before filling it with snow. It was beautiful. Apparently, he woke up just in time to see the sunrise. He wanted to share it. With someone? He doesn’t know. Phil shook his head before going back inside.

He placed the bucket near the fire, waiting for the snow to melt. With nothing to do, he began to think, clearing his mind. He remembered the sunrise outside. It was amazing. Techno would probably just ignore it, having seen it many times before when training. Tommy would just complain about being woken up too early to even appreciate it. But Wilbur, he would just say how beautiful it was, maybe he would even sing a song.

Phil knew that if he shared the sunrise with Wilbur, his son would create songs or poetry just for him. Wilbur liked to see the beauty of things. He loved seeing the sunlight pass through the leaves of the tree. Of seeing floating lanterns in the sky as they dance with the cosmos.

He felt something drip to his cheek. He looked up to the cave ceiling, looking if there was a leak. There was nothing there. He wiped it off with his hand, a drop fell again. His vision blurred.

Oh—

Oh.

He was crying.

Everything came crashing down on him. For the first time since the events in L’Manberg, Philza openly wept. He mourned for his son. He mourned for his family. He mourned for what he lost. He sobbed, unable to stop the tears from flowing.

He thought about his regrets. When he first got his sons, he never thought he would be the one to mourn for one of them. He imagined them to be the one who would mourn, they would mourn because he was reckless and stupid. He never knew how painful it was to be a parent.

A failure of a parent.

It was his fault he knew, somehow, he knew it was his fault. Wilbur, his dear sweet Wilbur was gone and it was all his fault. With his own two hands he—

“I’m sorry,” he whispers like a mantra.

“Wilbur, son—” he stammered, “I, I failed you. I wish it was me…”

He let out all the anguish that he felt. His frame shaking at the thought about his son.

“God, I wish it was me…”

He did not do anything productive that day. He sat there until the fire died down and became ashes. That night, in freezing wilderness he sat down under the stars. It was cold, but it didn’t matter because inside he was just numb.

In his hand was a lantern, the only thing that was warming him up. Phil wanted to remember his son in some way. Wilbur, when he was younger, he liked the stars. He said he wanted one of his own, he wanted to make a star of his own.

So Phil learned how to make floating lanterns, the closest thing they could have for a star. He learned for his son. They would make them together, letting it fly while saying that it was Wilbur’s star. He remembered how happy his son was when he first showed it.

Wilbur was so happy.

He released the lone lantern to the sky. Watching as it danced along the night sky. At that moment, he liked to imagine that it was his son who floated away. That it was his son who was waving goodbye while he was going back to the cosmos that gave him away in the first place.

Philza didn’t want to look at the stars.

Chapter Text

The first week flew fast. He didn’t explore the ruins, at least not yet. All he did was resource gathering and he mostly took care of himself. It was lonely, but he knew how to handle it. Slowly but surely, he began to feel better. Physically, he’s almost healed but emotionally the guilt was eating him from the inside. Maybe someday he could go back and face the people he had hurt.

Someday.

It was Techno who found him first. Philza was coming back to the cave after gathering more wood. He shot a few rabbits along the way, intending to eat them later that night. He was a few blocks away from the cave when he heard a noise come from inside.

Phil immediately grabbed his axe, readying himself for a fight. He was so sure he made the whole thing spawn proof from mobs. He didn’t hesitate, charging in as fast as he could without alerting whatever was inside the cave. He missed being able to just swoop in.

He immediately froze when he saw Techno, his son—

Not your son, his mind whispered. You aren’t a father, you never were.

—murmuring while trying to light up the campfire. He suddenly couldn’t breathe. Gears turning in his head, trying to find a reason why his son friend was there.

Philza wasn’t ready. Technoblade, of course, it was him. The self-proclaimed Human GPS would find a way to track him down. Phil wanted to laugh; he has always coped using humour, it was one of the things he shared in common with Techno.

He slowly backed away, feet treading lightly, avoiding the crunch of the snow. He hoped Techno wouldn’t notice, maybe he should stay longer away from the cave just until Techno got bored and go away. He was a few inches out from the cave when he saw Techno tilt his head, sniffing the air.

“Phil,” he called out, tone confident that someone would hear him.

Philza froze, his wings tensing for a moment, hoping that Techno would second guess himself and forget everything. He should have known; Techno never did second guess himself.

“I can smell you, you know,” Techno said while pointing at his snout, “Surely you haven’t forgotten about it, old friend.”

Old friend he said. Not a father, his mind repeated.

You’ve always known you’re not his father.

Why did it hurt?

Blood dripping down the sword.

 Killza.

Laboured breathing. Murmured apologies.

Blood.

Pain.

He banished those thoughts from his mind, trying to focus only at the present. The snow, yes, the cold air nipping at his face. The wet feeling of the freezing atmosphere. Forget the blood, there is no blood.

Technoblade, Techno was there. Philza blinked.

“Wait, don’t tell me— Ha! You really are old. Chat say it with me, Oldza, Oldza, Oldza,” mirth was heard on his voice. It was strange, hearing a voice that wasn't his, Phil thought.

“Fuck,” Phil said, his voice rough from disuse. “Fuck,” he said again, this time louder.

It was true, he forgot. With Techno being a hybrid himself, a Piglin hybrid, his senses were heightened than average humans. Phil felt his shoulders slouch in defeat. He sighed as he tried to meet the eyes of his friend. Techno was just laughing, his crown shaking, at his forgetfulness.

“I’m not that old Techno,” Phil tried to say. The laughter was refreshing. It made him remember another place, another era before they ever went to this server. He walked back inside the cave.

“Sure, keep tellin’ yourself that.” Techno glanced at him before taking out his flint and steel, finally lighting up the campfire.

Scrubbing his face, Phil threw the wood he collected back to one of his many chests. He peeled his gloves away, intending to warm his fingers using the fire. "Hi mate," he said cheerfully as he could. As soon as he got near Techno nudged his head in greeting.

Techno smiled at him, eyes crinkling as he leaned away from the fire, “So you live here now?”

Phil grimaced, he eyed how messy the whole cave was. A few sticks scattered about, some soft materials lying around, “This place is just temporary. Look, I know it’s just a cave and I can do better than this but there is… there is something important here.”

Techno just hummed in response, “Well to be fair, this is way better than livin’ on a ravine. Imagine livin’ on one, heh, not me of course.”

“Yeah,” Philza half-heartedly replied. There was a lull in between them, neither knowing what to say next. Phil stared at the dancing flames in front of him, basking at the warmth it provided, not realizing how Techno took a notice of how he dishevelled looked.

The silence lasted for a few minutes, only the sound of the crackling fire was heard. Phil busied himself by sorting out his inventory. With every tap he made he could feel the gaze of his friend staring down at him, making him feel on edge.

“Techno, why? Why are you here?” Philza finally asked, avoiding eye contact, looking at the fire.

“So, you’re not gonna ask how I found you?” Techno replied back, not bothering to answer the question.

Philza stopped looking at the fire and instead gave him a long, level look trying to discern why Techno was there, “No, I know you’re capable. You must have done some triangulation shit or something. It’s just, why would you try to find me?”

“So, I can’t just visit you now?” Techno drawled.

“You can but—” A loud neigh could be heard echoing inside the cave, interrupting Phil. He blinked in surprise.

“That’s Carl by the way. He’s the best horse in this server, well the third best to tell the truth,” Techno said while pointing the said horse wearing a diamond armour, “Chat, relax Carl is ok, he’s probably just hungry or somethin’. Isn’t that right Phil?”

“Right,” Philza replied unsure, “The cave is spawn proof, so no need to worry about that.”

Technoblade stood up, taking out a golden carrot from his inventory, to feed Carl. Loud chomping noises were heard as the horse enjoyed the golden carrot.

It made Phil smile, “Only you would be rich enough to feed your horse a golden carrot on the regular.”

“Ehh, what can I say. Carl is special. I didn’t spend all those times breedin’ wild horses just so I can get a super horse then just let him eat normal food. Phil, I invested. Now I have to take care of him. Chat seems to favour him, so I say it’s a win-win.”

Philza sighed, feeling tired all of a sudden, he glanced at the setting sun, “It’s getting dark Techno, do you want to stay here for a while? I know you can handle those mobs out there but I just want to ask.”

“Uuuuuhh, sure. Carl needed to rest anyways. Man, you went this far out huh.” Techno scratched Carls mane, before removing the harness and armour so the horse could rest.

Phil brought out the rabbits he shot from his inventory, “Do you want to help me prep for supper?”

“Yeah, let me just make sure Carl is comfortable,” Techno replied, fixing the leash before helping Phil.

It was like the old days like they never parted ways. Each movement was more familiar than the last. Phil cracking some jokes as they cleaned the food, Techno showing off his knife skills that he learned from different servers. It made Phil feel lighter than he had ever felt for the past week.

Suddenly, breathing wasn’t so hard anymore.

They ate silently, the rich broth of the stew warmed their soul. It tasted familiar, like the ones they use to eat back at the good old days. Philza appreciated it, he may not remember much as he would like due to server hopping but the taste of the soup was one of the things he remembered.

Phil wasn’t sure how much of the empire Techno recalled but for Phil it was mostly the small things. Things that may seem unimportant and inane to others, but for Phil it was everything. The cold was especially evoking, memories come forth the more time he spent on the icy plains.

He continued eating his stew, savouring every bite. Each slurp of the broth better than the last, he couldn’t help but compliment he friend, “Techno, mate, this is amazing. Those potatoes really did make the stew taste better.”

Phil smiled before noticing the intense gaze coming from Techno, red eyes boring down at him. “What? Why are you staring? Is there something in my face?” He asked worried, already reaching to wipe his cheeks.

“Uhh, Phil?” Techno asked, voice unsure.

The tone of his voice sent a spike of adrenaline through Phil. It was rare for Techno to sound unsure. Dread began to pool in his stomach as he watched Techno’s facial feature change so fast, “What is it Techno?”

“Phil,” He sounded so distressed, so worried. “Phil, your wings. What happened? They’re messed up. Who did that to you? Tell me their names, I’ll kill them. I’ll kill them Phil,” Anger was heard in Techno’s tone, mouth foaming as he said so.

Philza’s insides did a flip, “Oh, it’s that…” Instinctively twitching his wings.

“Heh? What do you mean ‘it’s that’? How can you fly if your wings are broken?” Confusion was written on his face.

Phil pushed his bowl back to the table, deciding that he was done eating, “Are you done eating? I want to take a walk.”

Techno hesitated for a moment before slurping the last of his stew. Phil walked in the front of Techno, letting him take a look at the damage done to his wing. It made him feel conscious of his wings.

The frigidness of the air blasted his senses, making him shiver as he stepped outside the warmth of the cave. There was no snow falling that evening, howls of foxes heard on the background. The twinkling of the stars ever-present as they made their way to a fallen log.

 “Phil you still haven’t explained to me why your wings are like that,” Techno said as he sat down, arm crossed in front of his chest. Red cloak still vibrant in the dim light.

“It’s… it’s broken. It burned during the whole L’manberg thing. I neglected it for too long and it got infected, my fault really.” Phil paced as he explained what happened, his haori fluttering in the wind. He tried stretching his wings, hissing when a spike of pain went through one of them.

Techno brought out a torch leaning closer to see the damage done. Phil almost didn’t want to see how Techno reacted. “It looks bad I know but you should have seen it after the whole thing, it was fucked up,” He tried to crack a joke, giggling as he did so. “I think it also broke when I fell unto my back, hollow bones and all that jazz.”

Techno gritted his teeth in response, he reached out. His hands hovering over the wings, “Can I touch them?” He asked softly.

Phil hesitated, having another person wanting to touch the burn marks made it all too real but it was Technoblade. One of his oldest friends, one of the people he considered his son even if it was only Phil himself that thinks of it. If he couldn’t trust him then who could he trust?

“It’s fine Phil, it’s alright if you don’t want me touching it,” Techno said.

“No, It’s alright mate. Go on, you can touch it, just be careful to not go against the grain of the feathers,” Phil stood a little closer, “It hurts but it’s healing quite nicely. I did the best I could with what I had.”

Philza tipped his hat lower, avoiding looking at Techno. He let out a barely audible gasp as warm fingers met the exposed part of his wings. At first his he held his shoulders tight, sensitive to every movement but as the time went on and he became more comfortable he was able to loosen up.

Fingers made their way across his feathers, aligning the crooked ones they encounter. He let out a contented trill, relief palatable in the air. He was so lost in the moment that he never heard Techno’s question, “How did your wings even burn? I didn’t light any fire, nothin’ that was close to you anyway.”

It has been a long time since he had let other people touch his wings. Not to the degree that his friend was doing. The coldness of the biome didn’t matter, his eyes drooping as he tilts his head towards Techno, “Hmm? Sorry, what was that mate?”

“I asked if—” Techno brought out a shield as an arrow whizzed towards them, completely ruining the moment, potion particles drifting in the air. With a swift motion, he swiped his sword unto the head of the stray that was attacking them, decapitating it immediately.

Upset, Phil brought out his sword, “This place is not well lit, let’s go back to the cave. I don’t really want to deal with mobs right now.”

Techno quirked an eyebrow, “You’re not stayin’? Aren’t you goin’ to look at the stars or something?”

Phil stopped walking for a moment, remembering that Techno knew he liked looking at the stars. It was one of the things he used to do back at the empire, sometimes Techno would even join him. He gripped his sword tighter. He swung harshly at the zombie that was approaching him.

He was careful to not let his wings move too much, lest they get damaged more, “I don’t look at them anymore,” he said unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice.

Techno was shocked, “You don’t?”

Bloodied hands.

Burnt wings.

Heavy heart.

Dad.

“No.”

Chapter Text

Rotten blood dripped from his fingertips but Phil didn’t pay it any attention. The trip back to the cave seemed slower as more mobs began to spawn in the dark. He grimaced as he heard Techno grunt from behind him.

The disbelief from Techno’s voice echoed in his ears. The question repeated like a broken record.

“You don’t?”

“You don’t?”

“You don’t?”

An arrow grazed his ear, it was too close, he was distracted. The emotion he was feeling from the past week came back in full force. Despair. Full and utter despair. It reminded him of what he lost.

The stars, it was those damn stars. Phil remembered sitting on a roof. An empire, of feeling lightness. Of being whole. He… he missed it. He bit his lip, wetting it, for being too dry. It was getting harder to breathe.

Another slash, a mob was dead. He never noticed, Techno had overtaken him, “C’mon Phil, I thought you wanted to go back to your cave?”

“Yeah, be right there mate.”

He glanced at the moving silhouette of Techno. He could almost see another place, from another server. He remembered conversations under the stars, hushed whispers of tales and lives they’ve lived before. They would go on for hours till they began to feel sleepy. Phil closed his eyes briefly before walking back to the cave.

The crisp air blew against his hair. Philza tilted his head, the tip of his nose felt cold from the weather of Port-aux-Francais. He grinned, puffing his cheeks with excitement as he watched the sunset. The heavens painted in a smattering of hues from pink to gold.

Trees lined with snow stretched across the horizon. The ocean, wine-dark as it glimmered, reflecting the last ray of sunlight for the day. Phil released the air he didn’t know he was holding in, he closed his eyes, breathing in deeply as he savoured the stillness of the moment.

His leg dangled as he waited patiently for the stars to arrive. He leaned back, as the sky began to darken, watching as the first of the heavenly bodies became visible. He tightened the straps of his sandals, standing tall. With a quick flick of his finger, his inventory opened. Items, moved into his hotbar as he prepared.

Phil stretched his wings as far as he could, humming as he did so, tips reaching out to the universe. His massive wings cast an impressive shadow. Without a thought, he flapped his wings, excitement overtaking him.

His haori swished as he began to mentally count the stars. Grinning as one by one the stars began to show themselves, settling in as the night begins anew. It was dim at the roof of the Imperial Palace, only the glow of the rising moon lit up the place. Half-slabs placed strategically to stop any mobs from spawning.

He stood near the ledge; a firework ready at his off-hand. He didn’t need it, not really, but it boosted his flight speed. Philza let out a whoop of delight, eyes darting back at the stars glimmering so brightly. Being born with wings, flying was in his blood. The rush of falling from high places before using his wings to glide was something he really loves. He flicked the stray strands of hair covering his vision.

Without a second thought, he jumped, simultaneously lighting the firework. Gliding up as high as he could before freefalling. Securing his bucket hat tightly he let out a happy laugh. The wind blew against his face, roaring against his ears. He lit more fireworks, letting his wings glide in the open sky.

He circled the Imperial Palace, marvelling at the impressive scale of the whole thing. He would never stop being amazed at how well his friend made their base. He knew Techno was not an experienced builder but it was a good thing the man was persistent.

With another firework, he boosted himself higher up in the air. He swooped closer towards the Iron Farm, waving at the villagers that were residing there. After seeing that it was still working, he headed back to the roof of the palace. He laughed as he landed, wings fluttering behind him, the exhilaration from his flight hadn’t left him yet.

Heart beating fast he sat down, leaning back, he let out a giggle. Letting his gaze back at the heavens. He saw familiar patterns scattered in the night sky, making him feel nostalgic. He reached out using his hand, grasping a star before putting it to his chest, “I hope you’re both safe.”

“Safe who?” A faint baritone voice came to his right.

“Hi mate,” Phil said not even bothering to turn towards his friend.

“You’re up here again.” The voice was louder now that Techno was sitting next to him. Warmth radiated from his friend.

Philza laughed, feeling carefree, “What can I say, I like watching the stars.”

He felt his friend nudge at him in greeting, making his grin bigger. Techno only does that to people he’s comfortable with, at first Phil was confused but later on, he learned that it was due to Techno being a Piglin hybrid.

“What’s so special about it anyway. I know you can use stars for navigation and timekeeping but other than that I feel like they’re just there purely for the aesthetic,” Techno asked, voice rumbling as he spoke.

Phil turned to his friend, “Yeah they’re, pretty right?” Techno grunted in affirmation, “But just so you know they’re more than just that. What do you know about constellations?”

“Ehhh, not much really. I do know that Greek mythology books mention them. I don’t know what the big deal is, they don’t even look anythin’, and I mean anythin’, like what they are named for. Kinda useless if you ask me,” Techno said, huffing to prove his point.

Phil laughed again, shoulder shaking because Techno did have a point. Constellations do paint dubious images. “True, true,” he said, rolling the last syllables.

A comfortable silence filled the air. Phil hummed a lullaby, like the one he used to sing for his boys. Each dot in the sky made him remember nights spent similarly in the past.

“So why?”

Phil held his chin, humming as he thought about his answer before smiling mischievously. He’s never really shared his reasons to Techno, it wasn’t something he wanted to hide but it never really came up in a conversation, “Techno I’m going say something that will blow your mind, you’re sure you’re ready?”

“Nahh, I don’t think anythin’ related to stars can shock me Phil,” Techno said as he glanced at the stars, “But sure. Lay it on me.”

A shit-eating grin made it’s way across his face, “Heh? What’s with that smile, should I be worried?”

“No, I wouldn’t be worried. I just have a son that’s all, possibly sons if you count the other one,” Phil said. Techno whipped his head to look at Philza, eyes wide in shock, looking very comical. There was silence after the statement, only muffled giggles from Phil as he tried to stop himself from laughing.

“Bruhhh,” Techno said, prolonging the sound of the h as long as he could. Jaw slacked; Techno’s eyes blinked rapidly. It was strange to see his stoic friend looking so shocked.

Phil was wheezing, his face was feeling warm. His cheeks hurt from smiling too much, “Mate, your fucking face—” he laughed again.

Echoes of his laughter was heard, carefree and full of life. It lasted for a while, the annoying huffs and growl from Techno made the laughter even louder. “Hah— it’s so, heh. I can’t, sorry. Mate, Techno, It’s just— I haven’t seen you make that face before. Haaa— I have stop, pfft—”

Techno shook Phil’s shoulder, “Phil you have to stop, can you even breathe? It’s a shock ok. You don’t look that old. I thought you were like, five, eight, no, maybe ten years older than me. How old are you again? Phil, man, why are you old?”

After a few seconds, Phil stopped laughing, inhaling deeply before breathing out slowly, “Oh you don’t want to know how old I am mate. I’ll tell you what if it makes you feel better. I’d say I’m only a bit older than Pete, a couple of centuries give or take.”

“Bruhhh,” he looked as though his brain short-circuited, “Bruhhhhhhhh.”

Phil laughed hysterically, making himself hiccup, “Hic, Ahh!” he exclaimed reactively. He patted his cheeks, trying to stop himself from dying of laughter, “–Hoo, I have to stop.”

“But Phil, Pete is ancient. He’s old. You don’t even act old. I can’t believe this, I don’t believe this,” Techno narrows his eyes, “You’re just trollin’ me now. You’re old because you have a son or maybe sons, I don’t know, but I refuse to believe I’m best friends with someone who’s older than a boomer.”

Phil giggled, “A boomer— ha!” before realizing what Techno just said. “Best friends?” Phil repeated softly, whipping his eyes.

Techno froze, nervously looking elsewhere, “I mean friends, but we can be, uh, best friends. But only if you want of course. It doesn’t really need to happen but it’s an option just so you know. I’m not assumin’ or anythin’.”

“Aww mate, Techno, look at me,” Phil waited for Techno look, “I’d be honoured to be your best friend.”

Techno faked a cough, ears looking impossibly pinker than before, “Alright that settles it then. So, uh, what does your son have to do with you lookin’ at the stars? You’ve never explained it.”

“Hmmm, kinda I guess but not really? There’s more to it really,” Phil pointed to a particular star, “See that over there? That boy is special, if you look closer it looks violet. Yeah?”

“Sure, let me just pretend I see— wait, I see it. It is violet. I haven’t noticed that before,” Techno fascination in his voice.

“If you follow this pattern, from there to there,” Phil said pointing a specific shape forming an amalgamation of a square and a rectangle, “Do you see it?”

Techno grunted in confirmation, “That constellation, it’s the Ender King. Wilbur, when he was younger, I’d tell him many stories. And one of his favourites was about the Ender King. The Ender King, well he’s not really the hero of the story in fact I’d say he’s the villain. But Wilbur says he loves the way the Ender King was defeated.”

“The Ender King? I haven’t heard of that story before,” Techno wondered.

“You wouldn’t. It’s from another server. Me telling stories and showing Wil the stars was bonding time for us,” Phil took off his bucket hat, letting his hair loose, “We would spend nights mapping out different constellations. We used to do it regularly until Tommy came to live with us, then it became once or twice a week. I love that gremlin child but he’s different from Wilbur. I miss both of them honestly.”

Techno hummed, “Why’d you leave them then?”

“I, I needed to go. God, it sounds so bad when I say it like that,” Phil stood and began to pace, “There is something you need to know Techno. I’m not— I not good at staying at one place for too long. The longest I’ve been at one server was five years.”

Techno brought out his sword, polishing it while he had the chance, “Does that mean you’ll leave the Empire soon?”

“I’m always going to have to leave someday Techno. But I don’t get to choose when I leave but I can guarantee I’m not leaving anytime soon so you don’t have to worry. We still need to properly conquer this server, right?” Phil said, reaching out to ruffle Techno’s hair before stopping himself remembering that Techno wouldn’t be comfortable.

“What do you mean you don’t get to choose? Pete and I wouldn’t throw you out unless you get banned of course and even I can’t do anythin’ about that.”

“Oh, I know mate, it’s not you who gets to decide. It’s, uh, them,” Phil said pointing to the heavens, he hesitated for a moment, “Look I know it sounds crazy but I can maybe sorta, erm, communicate with the stars? Only a specific set of stars though.”

“Hehh? Bruhhh, what?” Techno spluttered.

“It’s unbelievable I know. Dude, you don’t have to believe me,” He said waiting for a reaction. When none came, he began to worry, he glanced at his friend.

“Techno?” Phil asked. “You can just forget—”

He was cut off by Techno, his voice strangely quiet, “No, Phil I believe you. As strange as it is, I believe you.”

Phil blinked; it was surprising because Techno didn’t seem to be the person that would believe in such unbelievable things. “You, do?”

“Yeah, you wouldn’t joke about something like that right?”

Phil tilted his head, blinking owlishly, “I wouldn’t, no.”

There was an awkward silence. Techno seemed mull over the conversation, while polishing his sword.

“So, about those stars?” Techno asked.

“Right, so those stars I mentioned. They would guide me and tell me where to go next, I usually need to do something there. I not really sure why they choose me.”

“Are they like your patrons or something?”

Phil let out a chuckle, “Patrons?”

“Like a god, ya know?”

“A god? Nah, I don’t think they’re some sort of deity. Ian is too crazy to be a god but if he is, then we’re fucking screwed mate. I can only imagine orange in that future.”

Techno raised his sword up to the night sky, watching as the light of the stars bounced from the enchantments imbued in the blade, “So you, uh, went away from your son or sons just because some stars said you should go somewhere?”

“Fuck, when you say it like that it just sounds so bad.” Phil scrubbed his face.

“Hey, I’m not judgin’ you. I’m just repeating what you basically said.”

“I know and somehow that makes it so much worse.” His voice muffled by his hands.

“Hey, maybe you can tell me more about your sons or something.” Techno’s voice rumbled as he nudged his friend.

“Yeah, I’ll start with Wilbur then. He loved the stars so much he wanted me to get him one because I have wings apparently. Of course, I didn’t know how to do that but I couldn’t deny him anything that’s why I learned how to make floating lanterns,” Philza rambled.

“Is that why you flew floating lanterns last September?”

“Yeah, it was for my son. Hey Techno, aren’t you bored of me just talking?” Phil laid flat on his back, not bothered by the coldness of the material beneath him.

Technoblade stood, “No, not really. It’s interestin’, tell me more about your son.”

“I needed to leave when Wilbur was 17. I wanted to take him with me but he said he wanted to explore and discover the world by himself. Seventeen was almost a man, I was willing to wait for one more year but Wilbur, he was so sure,” Philza sighed, lost in his memories,

“Long story short he went off on his own adventure taking Tommy with him. He kept in contact with me of course but communication between two servers have always been tricky.”

“Yeah, cross server communication is hard. I can’t even tell you how much letters were lost just because Skeppy couldn’t stay in one server for too long. How old is Wilbur now?” Techno asked.

Phil sat up as he removed his hat, “Honestly? I don’t know shit. With different server time zones, I lost track of how old Wilbur is. Am I a bad parent for not knowing?”

Techno shrugged, “Phil, I’m not an expert at parenthood. I dropkick orphans for entertainment, so how would I know. But with that bein’ said I think you did your best. Maybe you can meet up again or somethin’.”

“Maybe we could meet again, maybe I’ll introduce you to them.” Phil said, smiling.

Techno’s ears began to flick, as he sat back down again, “Oh, no, no, no Phil. You know I’m bad at social situations, I’d probably embarrass myself or somethin’. You can just host your family here but I’ll hide, I’ll go somewhere. Maybe I’ll go bother Pete or somethin’.”

“Nah, you’d like Wilbur and maybe even Tommy. I trust you mate,” he patted the back of his friend, “Before I left, we made a promise that we would never stop looking at the stars, so that when I see them, I’ll be sure that it’s just not me that looks at the night sky, if that’s makes sense.”

“That actually make sense, somehow you being such a sappy dad explains everything.”

Phil frowned, “What do you mean it explains everything?”

Techno held a water bucket in his hand, he grinned. “Figure it out yourself old man, I’m MLG-in’ my way out of here,” laughing as he did so.

Phil watched as his friend leaped out of the edge, “I shouldn’t have said my fucking age.”

After that Philza went back to looking at the different constellations, knowing that somewhere on another server was his sons or at least he hoped Tommy is his son. He smiled as he saw Sandy’s constellation peaking to his left, the Blaze Empress and its stars bright as ever. The Three Sisters flickering irregularly as ever. The tragedy of He and She, apart as always.

He talked to himself and to the stars, nearly falling asleep a few times. With a smile ever present in his face he whispered unto the vast expanse of the cosmos, “Thank you for giving me my sons.”

“Thank you for giving me my sons.”

What the fuck was he thinking back then, being content to just getting few letters here and there. What kind of a father he was not knowing how old his own son was?

Philza walked faster, trying to catch up to Techno.

He shook his head. The ache in his wings throbbed as the feeling of tiredness began to permeate his whole being. It was going to be a long night.

Chapter Text

“Why?” Techno asked again once they got back to the cave, “I’ve seen you fly through a snowstorm just to see those stars, why stop now?”

Tired and exasperated, Phil said, “You know why Techno.” Another thing he had in common with Techno, stubbornness. It can be both a good thing and a bad one, very unfortunate since Phil didn’t want to deal with where the conversation was going.

“No, I don’t. You need to spell it out for me,” Techno rebutted, teeth clenched and posture stiff.

Phil didn’t know why he wanted to scream in frustration, his hands covered his face. He wanted to flap his wings in agitation, instead he opted for a high-pitched screech, “It doesn’t matter anymore Techno, those stars don’t matter for fucking shit.”

Techno crossed his arms, eyes never leaving Philza, “But they do Phil. The memories you have about those stars? They matter. I know how important they are for you. I know you can hear them.”

“Fuck off…” He murmured but not to Techno, not really. It was more of a reminder to himself if he was being honest.

Because the truth was, they did matter, they mattered to Phil before. It was one of the things he held dear. The stars remained constant, never changing and always the same no matter what server you were on. They may shift with the times but they would always stay up there in the sky.

They were something much older than he was. They were there when he was born. When he first took in the air that passed through his lungs. They were there when he first laughed, and cried, and took flight. And they were there when he eventually crashed, and fell from the sky. It used to give him comfort that they would be there when he’ll take in the last of his breath…

They still do in a way, no matter how much he tried to despise them. They still gave him comfort.

The cosmos offered something greater than what Phil was, they gave him the reason why he lived. Why he still lives. They gave him his sons. They gave him the fresh breath of air he needed when all he wanted to do was to fade away. They were there, they were always there.

And they bore witness when he did the unforgivable. They were there when the air left his lungs; when the air left the lungs of his son. They screamed when he screamed when blood pooled between his fingers. They wept when he wept while he held his son close, whispering and begging for his son to forgive him.

To forgive his father.

A failure of a father, his mind reminded him.

Memories of the skies connected and intertwined with his love for his son. The glittering diamonds of the night sky represents a promise. Of sons and fathers, of responsibilities. Of memories bonded together. Where it was only him and his son under the light of the thousands of stars.

Something ugly inside of him wanted to be let out. Anger. Resentment. Bitterness. Frustration. All pooling from the inside ready to explode. He wanted to scream in the highest of mountains, he wanted to fly and fall and fade away. He wanted to blame someone.

Someone.

Anyone.

What was a father without his son? Nothing.

“What good are those memories for if my son is fucking dead!” He shouted not at his friend but to himself. His nails digging into his palms. Something in him shifted, he didn’t know what, but something changed.

The air surrounding him felt electric. His voice echoed in the walls of the cave; he was almost afraid to see how Techno would react. His mouth was twisted in a snarl; the floodgates have been opened, there was no turning back.

The pressure was building up, up, and up. It was almost suffocating but then something unexpected happened.

He chuckled. The kind that was real. Genuine. It was deep and encompassing—

Technoblade chuckled, for real, relief palatable from his tone, “There you are Philza Minecraft. I see you, it’s nice seeing you again.”

Stupefied, his face went slack. He felt confused before it quickly turned into annoyance, face contorting into a frown, “What the fuck!? What the shit are you taking on about Techno?”

A pop was heard from the dying embers of the campfire, “You were quiet.”

Phil stopped; his shoulders began to shake. He let out a shaky breath. He giggled, and he giggled, and he giggled, and he giggled, and then he burst to full-blown laughter— and then he stopped, abruptly as he started. He couldn’t help it, not really, not with the insanity of it all. “This is a fever dream, a fucking fever dream. I’ll wake up and you won’t be there.”

“I assure you Phil, I’m quite real.”

“Then why? It doesn’t make any fucking sense—” He stepped closer to Techno. He shook his head, “—No fucking sense, none, at all.”

Techno was quiet for a few seconds. Face standing out from the dimness of the cave. His crown reflecting the light of the fire, Techno’s eyes felt like they were burning through his entire being.

“The Phil that I know wouldn’t wallow—” a pause, stomping of a foot was heard, “—He wouldn’t hide or let his wings get infected. He would own up to what he did. Philza Minecraft is not a sad old man holed up in a cave in the middle of nowhere.” Techno said, voice gaining momentum near the end.

Phil shook his head again, taking another step closer to Techno. He wanted to shake him, to make him understand, that it wasn’t that simple. Nothing in life was simple. He wasn’t sad, no, he was angry. He was in pain, in agony. And there was a difference between what was and what is.

He took Techno by his cloak, hands shaking as he did so, crumpling the heavy fabric with all his might, “That Phil had everything. He hadn’t lost his son. Everything was perfect for him. He was out there chasing his own selfish wanderlust while his son wrote him letters, of friends, of lives, and of revolutions. He was carefree, I was carefree. He didn’t know the pain I felt when I—” He choked on his own voice, his vision began to blur, “When I—” A sob tore through the cave. He placed his arm on his mouth, desperate to stop his own cries.

Harsh breathing filled his ears, he knew. He couldn’t stop. He tried to breathe, he tried so hard but it was difficult. He desperately wiped his cheeks dry, eyes bloodshot as he stared at Techno. He whispered, his voice barely audible, “When I drove that fucking sword through my own son.”

Phil pointed to his chest, “Do you hear this Techno? Do you hear how my heart beats and your own heart beats? It’s there, alive, pumping blood into my veins.” He pounded his chest. In anger? He didn’t know. “But my son, I took that away from him, his no longer beats. If I could give him mine I would.”

More tears dripped to his chin. He closed his eyes unable to look at Techno’s eyes. There was something about being so close to Techno while being so vulnerable that he hated.

“Do you understand Techno? It hurts,” He took a step back from Techno, “It hurts so much.”

Something in Techno’s façade cracked, he turned his head to his side before asking, “Then why? Why did you do it Phil? Why did you kill Wilbur? When you could have done somethin’ else. Anything else but what you did.”

He sounded so genuine Phil couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t help but wonder if he did the right thing. He clenched his fist, “Out…” he managed to choke out. He didn’t want to hear it, couldn’t face it.

Techno didn’t reply save for the flicking of his ears. A dull thud echoed the place as Phil sobbed, falling to his knees, chest heaving with every breath. Never mind how much his wings burned and ached or how cold the stone was against his knees, “Out. Just fucking go Techno.”

“Not until you answer my question Phil.”

It grated him, something about those questions angered him. He could feel his wing flare in agitation. A burst of pain followed the motion. It didn’t matter. It didn’t.

“Who gave you the fucking right. How would you like it if I asked you the same question huh? Why did you do it? Why did you spawn those Withers? Why were you the traitor?” Phil spat out. He didn’t really want answers but he didn’t want to say why he did what he did. Not when another person would hear it.

“I’m not the traitor Phil. I never was. Whoever told you that was lying. The Withers were just means to an end. Now, your turn Phil.” There was something strange in Techno’s voice that Phil couldn’t help but catch.

Philza chuckled while tears were flowing on his cheeks, “Fuck you Techno. Of course, you would say that. Fuck you.”

He pressed his palms unto his eyes. Trying to wipe away his tears. It was no use as few dripped down the cold floor of the cave.

“I—” he choked, “—it was his eyes. It didn’t look like the Wilbur I knew. It was mercy. I’ve lost Wil long before I even managed to get to this damned server.”

“If it was mercy then why are you like this Phil?”

His voice came out shaky. Phil was aware of how loud his own heartbeat was, “Because it still hurts, it hurts. He’s my son Techno, my son.”

Techno turned as if he was going away. Philza panicked, he couldn’t handle being alone, he didn’t want to be alone. He didn’t want Techno to leave but at the same time, he didn’t want him to stay either. It was pathetic, fuck— he was such a mess. A fucking mess.

“Wait, Techno don’t leave. I—”

“Don’t worry I’m not leaving Phil. At least not yet.” He paused for a second seemingly in thought, “We just both need time to cool down. I’m huntin’ mobs. I’ll leave Carl with you—” He tilted his head, “—the voices they’re too loud. I need to think.”

Phil watched as his son friend left the cave. Suddenly alone he felt much more exhausted. In some ways, it was relieving being able to tell his emotions to another person. Cliche as it sounded, a weight in his chest has been lifted. He couldn't help but wonder where Techno went.

He forced himself to flop back to his bed. It was uncomfortable so turned to his back. His breath audible, sounding so loud to his own ears. Sighing he stood. He went to the mouth of the cave.

As his eyes adjusted to the dimness of the night, he saw them. The stars, the ones that he supposedly despise. The ones that saw him kill his own son. He… he didn’t feel anything when he looked up.

He felt nothing. It was like the void swallowed him whole, leaving nothing but a shadow of what he was. He tugged his cloak closer.

“I— I…” He stalled, “I can’t. Shit. No. I’m sorry.” Phil chuckled, it seemed apologizing was the only thing he’s been doing for what felt like a lifetime.

“Fuck, I can’t do this.” With one last glimpse of the sky he headed back to his bed. Placing his hat beside him. He forced himself to close his eyes. After many minutes of shifting, he drifted asleep.

He woke up with eyes puffy from crying. The smell of freshly made bread and warm beef stew jogged his senses. He felt like shit, his mouth was dry, it was worse than a hangover. He sat up slowly, eyes scanning the inside of the cave.

“Mornin’ Phil. Are you hungry? I already fed Carl.”

He was surprised, a red cloak was placed close to the warmth of the fire. Phil ran his finger to his hair, he turned to the source of the voice. “You actually stayed.” He croaked.

“Of course, I did, I’m just glad you didn’t throw me out.” Techno offered freshly baked bread to Philza.

Phil was silent, staring at the bread that was offered to him. “Why did you do it,” he asked.

“The Withers?”

Phil shook his head, before wincing, “No, the whole thing. Why did you confront me? You never do that.”

He took the bread offered to him, placing it beside his hat. His mouth involuntarily watered at the aroma of the bread.

Techno busied himself with Carl, “Do you know how I found you?”

“No, I didn’t bother to ask.”

“It was the voices; you know how Chat likes you? You’re really hard to track down Phil, I would have found you by myself eventually but chat helped to make the process faster. Because they were worried.”

Something warm bloomed on his chest with that statement. “Worried, really?” He reached for the bucket of water.

“Yes, it was apparent after I saw you. Something was different.”

“Apparent how?” Phil asked. He took a moment to wash his face, the coldness of the water awakened his senses.

“You were quiet.” Techno looked at him.

Phil frowned, was it strange that he didn’t want to talk that much, was it really that different? “That again? I really don’t understand how being silent is a bad thing Techno.”

“You were quiet, I hate seeing you like that. It’s your eyes Phil, it was like you were already dead, it was almost like staring at the void. I’ve only seen it from people ready to die—” Techno averted his eyes from Phil, “—I don’t want you to die. You’re the only one I have left Phil.”

A beat. Phil clenched his fist till they turned white. He didn’t know what to say.

“I— I wasn’t going to die anytime soon Techno. Can’t afford to anyway,” Phil was hyperaware of water dripping down his hair. He breathes out slowly, taking care to wipe his face.

“They were screaming Phil. You were never quiet, not even during the time you learned I was only 17 years old.”

Philza laughed. It was funny, he forgot about that fact. He was so worried when he found out, “God. That was fucked, wasn’t it?”

Techno hummed noncommittally.

“Committing war crimes with a seventeen-year-old, I’m a fucking shit person and an even a shittier father. Leaving my son alone.” Phil let out a breath, “What was I thinking.”

Techno didn’t say anything in response. Phil took the bread, breaking it into two, “Have you eaten yet Techno?”

“I have,” Techno said, “Carl kinda forced me into eating.”

Phil smiled while munching on the bread, its sweetness swirling inside his mouth, “Of course your horse would do that. This bread is great Techno.”

“I know,” Techno grunted, “And to be fair you didn't know."

He took another bite, “About your age?”

“Yeah.”

Phil shook his head, “But still you have to admit it was fucked.”

Techno placed a bowl of beef stew in front of Phil, “Ehh, I'd call it great character development.”

He took a slurp of the broth, “Heh, only you Techno.”

Phil ate with gusto. Taking in a moment to inhale the aroma of the food. It was nice, both made his body feel warmer. He chewed slowly. Focusing only on the taste of the food. The bread was creamy and soft while the broth was well done, the meat was falling off its bones. It was amazing.

Techno spoke with a soft voice, “I appreciate it you know.”

“Hmm? Sorry? I don’t know what you mean.”

“Even though I was still just a teen back then you still treated me like a person, and it really stuck to me. It was nice.” Techno polished his crown, “Now, I don’t know what you’re going through Phil but know that I'll always be here. Just as you’ve stuck by me during the trials.”

“Aww mate, it was the least that I could do. I did help you with some of those war crimes.”

Techno cracked his knuckles, “Enough of these mushy thoughts. Finish your food, we’re going out.”

“Out? But I still have to—” Phil glanced at Techno, he was already fixing the saddle for Carl, “Never mind, I’ll take a look on it later.”

As much as he wanted to scout the ruins he found, Techno was there with him. He didn’t know if he could share what he found with his friend, it felt like something personal. He drank the last of the stew, taking the bucket hat from his side before wearing it. Besides he needed to stretch his wings. With a roll of his shoulders he stood, trying to catch up to Techno.

“Mate you’re too fast, I’m not as young as I use to be.”

It’s been a few days since Techno found him, he never really got to explore the ruins on the cave. Techno was always trying to get him to go out, always claiming it was too cramped and that Carl needed to go on a walk once in a while. He was starting to feel antsy. The adventurer inside him wanted to know what was inside.

Techno stopped Carl, “Heh, your fault old man. I told you Carl can carry us both.”

Phil panted, the cool air didn’t help, “Oh shut up, why are we even here outside?”

Techno shrugged, “Ehhh, no reason. Your cave was kinda suffocating, besides you looked like you needed some air.”

Phil grumbled, shaking off the snow from his cloak. “That cave isn’t mine you know… there’s just something there that’s important.”

Techno looked at how deep he was on the snow, “Just come here,” he chuckled.

Phil didn’t appreciate it, but still, he tried to climb the horse, “Yes I know Carl is taller than me. In my defence he’s fucking huge. I mean I’m not surprised with the way you feed him fuck-tons of Gapples every day.”

“What can I say only the best for Chat’s favourite.”

Techno was a bit quiet than usual. It was strange how quickly he got used to talking to Techno. Solitude was often second nature to Phil yet talking to Techno felt different. He grunted as Techno reached out a hand, pulling him up the horse.

“Phil?”

“Yeah mate?” He replied a bit distracted, trying to fold his wings more comfortably.

“I’ve been thinking,” There was a slight hesitation in his voice, it wasn’t obvious if you didn’t know Techno enough. Phil couldn’t help but be worried.

“I— I think I want to retire.”

“What?” Surprise coloured his voice.

“I wanted to retire. It’s complicated but I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.”

Phil didn’t have any strong opinions about retiring, he didn’t really give it any thought. But he knew Techno, if anyone deserved rest it would be him. It was strange. Life was exhausting, every breath harder than the last, especially these days, “Are you sure mate?”

Techno gripped the reigns tighter, “Fighting didn’t work out, it didn’t work out the way I wanted to go to. Maybe there’s somethin’ wrong about my methods. I wanted to think about it, seems like retirement is the logical choice, ya know?”

Phil mulled over the words that Techno said. “Think about it,” he murmured to himself, repeating the phrase once more. Maybe he should think things over, in a way ever since he’s entered the server all he ever did was to seclude himself away from others. What was he doing? What was stopping him from going back to his own world, the one that was more familiar for him.

Techno shrugged, the wind blowing at his face, “I mean retirement doesn’t have to be permanent. Heh.”

Phil couldn’t help but chuckle, “Mate you do realize what retirement means right?”

“It means I can finally join a book club or somethin’,” He drawled.

“Right, a book club. As if that could entertain you enough, I still remember you starting a war about potatoes just because fighting orphans was starting to get boring.”

Techno just hummed back in response.

It was nice, just being there. Existing, talking, laughing— breathing. Just breathing. Maybe it was enough. He prays that it was enough.

A few more days had gone by when Techno announced he was going to look for a new place to settle in. Phil was stilling outside the cave when Techno sat beside him.

“Phil, I’m going to build a cottage and nothing will stop me,” Techno said. His eyes daring Phil to say anything.

Phil couldn’t help but smile, “So are you aiming for a cottagecore vibes or something?”

“Yes.” He said without hesitation.

Phil chuckled, “Man, I’m going to miss you mate.”

“So you’re not coming?” Techno asked.

Phil thought back to L’manberg and broken promises. He thought about what he wants and what he needed to do. He thought about the ruins he found in the cave, of things left behind. He needed to find something, that he knew. It would be lonely once Techno leaves but it wasn’t something he couldn’t handle.

“Not right now, no,” He scooped a bit of snow, balling it up, “I still have things left to do.”

Techno huffed, “I’ll be leaving tomorrow at dawn.”

“Do you have everything ready for your trip then?” He hefted the ball on his hands.

“Yeah, I have enough Gaps to last a week.”

Phil stood, the only time he towered over his… friend, “Good, that’s good.” Techno was about to stand when Philza threw the snowball.

Techno froze, snow sliding down his arm, “Bruuuuhh, what.”

Phil wheezed, smacking his leg, “Pfft… you could have dodged that mate. I’m sure chat would’ve warned you. Your fucking face.”

Phil was too busy laughing to properly dodge the incoming retaliation by Techno. Something cold hit him straight in the mouth. He spat the cold liquid, “Mate that was uncalled for.”

“You started it, and I shall repay you a thousand times over. Only nine hundred and ninety-nine more to go old man.” Techno said while balling up another one.

“Fuck,” Phil murmured but he wasn’t worried. They’d done snowball fights before back in the days of the empire. He’s won several of them before and he knew he could win another one again. Techno liked to call them dodging practice.

Phil ducked towards a nearby tree, “The cave is off-limits. And the same old rules apply.”

Techno grunted, “Yeah, no hurting Carl too.”

“Right, get ready to eat fucking snow mate.”

The fight lasted for a long while, by the time they were finished the sun was already setting. They shivered under the clothes, teeth chattering against each other. No one really won in the end. Both of them didn’t want to lose but they had to stop somewhere.

“Fuck, I forgot how cold it gets,” Phil said.

“Yeah, want to go back?” Techno asked.

“You don’t have to fucking ask mate, way ahead of you,” Phil said as he dragged himself back towards the cave. He couldn’t wait to drink a nice cup of hot cocoa.

Phil rubbed his palms together, trying to warm them up. He sniffed; his nose felt cold. It was miserable but it was worth it. He could still feel the rush to the playful fight with Techno. He missed doing those. He tends to miss a lot of things in general.

“Techno, mate?” Phil asked after a while.

“Hmmm?”

He thought about one last thing they could do before Techno had to leave, “Can we look at the stars one last time before you go?”

With no hesitation, Techno replied, “For you Phil? Always.”