Archive of Our Own ^beta

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[music]

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JAMES : Hey guys! Welcome to the DEBUT EPISODE of our new program, Pod Save Hogwarts! Can’t believe we’re finally doing this. 

PETER : We’ve been talking about it for ages. 

JAMES : Totally. So, ah. Let’s introduce ourselves, shall we? For those of you who don’t know me, I’m James Potter. 

PETER : I’m Peter Pettigrew.

REMUS : I’m Remus Lupin.

SIRIUS : Hi, yeah. I’ve got a question. Or is it a beef? It’s kind of in between. But, um. Here’s the pickle. The quandary, if you will.

JAMES : Sirius Black, ladies and gentlemen! Dude, you couldn’t at least let me get through the introduction first?

SIRIUS : James, they get it. Okay? They get what’s going on here. They know who we are. Well, they might not know who Peter is -

PETER : Screw you, Black. 

SIRIUS : - but, um. They get it. We shoot the shit, maybe talk about current events or whatever, yadda yadda yadda. Let’s get to the important shit, ok?

REMUS : Jesus.

SIRIUS : Moony, please.

[silence]

SIRIUS : What’s, uh. What’s the fucking deal with these goddam staircases, am I right?

JAMES : [laughing] Staircases, huh?

SIRIUS : These staircases. They’re moving around all the goddam time and -

[laughing]

SIRIUS : - no, I’m serious.

JAMES : Now we’re getting to the real important stuff. 

PETER : The deep questions. 

REMUS : Padfoot, have you considered a career in investigative journalism?

[laughing]

SIRIUS : Listen, you animals, if I have to be late one more time to Transfiguration. [sighing] Guys, I might lose her.

PETER : Who?

SIRIUS : The love of my life.

JAMES : Oh boy, here we go.

REMUS : Christ. 

SIRIUS : Moony, don’t look at me like that. 

REMUS : Before you say anything else, I’d like to congratulate you -

SIRIUS : For my bravery and vulnerability. Thank you, Moony. I’m so glad someone finally acknowledged -

REMUS : No, you idiot. On your creativity in blaming fucking staircases on why you can’t get to lessons on time.

SIRIUS : Moony, I am offended .

REMUS : But more importantly, you’re never gonna lose something you never had. Like, not to be unnecessarily obvious, but you never had a fucking shot to begin with, dude. 

JAMES : Bingo.

SIRIUS : [gasps]

REMUS : She’s not interested in some 18 year old shithead. 

JAMES : And even if she was - 

PETER : She isn’t. 

JAMES : - the age gap is problematic.

REMUS : And then there’s the power dynamic.

JAMES : It’s all a little creepy.

PETER : Should we even be talking about this? Can we like get in trouble?

JAMES : Nah, we’re fine Petey.

SIRIUS : Listen you motherfuckers, I will not sit back and let you destroy my hopes and dreams ON AIR as my future wife listens in.

PETER : Oh shit, do you think she’s going to be listening to this?

JAMES : Relax, mate.

PETER : [whispering] We are talking about McGonagall, right?

REMUS : Obviously.

SIRIUS : Hey you know what? The age gap, the power dynamic, it all just adds to the, ah… fucking fantasy, you know?

JAMES : Whatever, man.

PETER : Wow. 

REMUS : Kinks on full display. 

PETER : He’s warped.

SIRIUS : [scoffs] That’s not even that half of it. You think that’s kinky? That’s nothing. Jesus, I didn’t realize I was surrounded by the frigid old nuns who kicked Maria out of the convent.

JAMES : Huh?

SIRIUS : It’s like that town in Footloose in here. 

JAMES : Bro, we don’t even know what you’re talking about. Is that like some muggle thing?

SIRIUS : Yeah. James. It’s like some muggle thing . 

JAMES : What is he on about?

PETER : Sirius and Remus have been binging on muggle films and when I say I’d rather poke my eyes out then have to see one of these shitty movies again, it’s not even an exaggeration.

JAMES : When has this been happening?!

PETER : Any time they’re in the dorm nowadays!

REMUS : You’re usually with Lily. 

SIRIUS : Well someone’s gotta keep me warm at night when my boyfriend is away! Thank god for Remus! He’s really stepped up to the plate!

REMUS : Oh, so I’m just second fiddle to Prongs?

SIRIUS : Listen. Babe. Don’t put me on the spot like that. Your first love is always special, you know?

JAMES : To be honest, Moony, you’re doing us all a favor by keeping him occupied when I’m not around. The guy gets wound up.

REMUS : Fucking telling me.

SIRIUS : Okay we’re getting off track. Doesn’t matter. The point is, you all are a bunch of fucking prudes if you find a consensual, -

REMUS : Imaginary.

SIRIUS : - sexual relationship between a professor and her adult - ADULT - lover taboo.

REMUS : The shit that comes out of this man’s mouth. Like, honestly.

PETER : Well yeah you’re not a minor but a teacher-student relationship is still fucked. 

JAMES : This pod is going to need a Not Safe For Work warning.

PETER: It’s going to need a Not Safe For Life warning.

REMUS : His depravity knows no bounds.

SIRIUS : Moony, stop. I expect it from these two clowns, but you? Quit acting like you don’t fucking love the wierdass shit that comes out of my mouth, cause I know you do. 

REMUS : It’s true. 

SIRIUS : You love it. 

REMUS : I do love it. I get off on it. I wasn’t going to say anything, but, it’s really getting me hot and bothered. My thighs are trembling just listening to you. 

JAMES : Holy shit, dude. You really went for it.

SIRIUS : FUCK, Moony.

PETER : Remus, don’t encourage him.

SIRIUS : Don’t tell him what to do! What were you saying about those trembling thighs, Moony? TREMBLING THIGHS. Did you hear that, James? Trembling . Don’t you dare stop, Moony. Go on. 

JAMES : [laughing] And now for the erotica portion of the episode!

REMUS : Why tell you when I could show you?

SIRIUS : Goddammit, Moony! I was not physically, emotionally or spiritually prepared to feel the things I’m feeling right now. 

PETER : Can we move on yet?

SIRIUS : That’s it, Minerva is out. Remus J. Lupin is in. Fucking love of my life, right here.

PETER : I’m a little uncomfortable.

SIRIUS : Oh I’m sorry Peter , do you have a problem with our relationship? Are you like allergic to romance? Is the idea of two men in love really so repulsive that you can’t stand hearing about it?

PETER : I didn’t mean it like that!

REMUS : How’d you mean it, then, Pete?

PETER : I just meant you don’t need to be so… graphic . I don’t have a problem with - you know -

JAMES : Padfoot, you know how he is! We need to protect his innocence! At all costs!

SIRIUS : Listen. I refuse to censor myself. Not for you, not for anyone. 

JAMES : Okay, fine. Moving on. Let’s focus. 

SIRIUS : How am I supposed to focus on anything after hearing Moony talk about his fucking thighs ? Jesus Christ. I can’t even look at him right now. 

JAMES : Well nothing better to kill the mood than discussing politics!

PETER : Hey now, politics is sexy. 

SIRIUS : Okay - you know what? Thanks Pete, that did it. 

PETER : What?

SIRIUS : Just hearing Peter say the word sexy was enough to cool me down. 

[laughter]

SIRIUS : Like a bucket of ice water. Instantaneous. 

PETER : Why doesn’t he ever shit on anyone else? It’s always me. 

SIRIUS : [laughing] You just - you make it so easy . 

PETER : Come on, guys. Back me up. 

REMUS : You do. 

JAMES : Yeah. Sorry, man. 

REMUS : You’re just so easy to rile up. 

JAMES : I mean you’re basically asking for it. 

SIRIUS : And you look so adorable when you get frustrated. You’re like a - like a cute little ankle biter. It’s precious. 

JAMES : It’s true. 

SIRIUS : Look, Peter, in all sincerity - you are one of my best friends in the whole world -

PETER : Thank you. 

SIRIUS : - but picking on you is one of my greatest joys in life.  

PETER : [laughing] You’re such a prick. 

SIRIUS : It’s all in love, Wormtail. All in love. 

JAMES : I swear, this is not how every episode is going to start.

SIRIUS : Or is it exactly how every episode is going to start?

JAMES : Sirius bulldozes the conversation into weird territory, Remus lowkey makes everyone horny, and Peter gets picked on? Okay yeah that actually sounds about right. 

REMUS : I’ll take that as a compliment. 

SIRIUS : No, something - something’s missing… Oh , I know. Prongs hasn’t talked about himself nearly enough yet. Wanna give that horn of yours a little toot toot? You haven’t talked about quidditch for like twenty minutes and I know you’re about to fucking expire. 

REMUS : It’s like oxygen. 

SIRIUS : If he goes too long he’ll just drop dead. 

REMUS : The bro-ness needs to be let out or he’ll explode. 

JAMES : It’s about time someone finally asks about me! I mean I haven’t listened to a word you guys have said since we started - I’ve just been going over quidditch drills in my head this whole time, waiting for someone to bring it up. 

SIRIUS : I’m not surprised. I’m not surprised one bit.

REMUS : I’m actually really shocked you made it this long. 

JAMES : Thank you, Moony. I’m impressed with myself, too. 

REMUS : It was more an observation than a compliment. So. Don’t flatter yourself. 

SIRIUS : But that’s what he’s best at!

[laughing]

SIRIUS : You could literally say to the guy “You look like shit today” and he’d be like “Aha, so you were admiring my looks! Thank you for noticing!”

[laughing]

PETER : You would know how that goes, wouldn’t you, Sirius?

SIRIUS : Oh, absolutely. The only person more full of himself than me is James. 

REMUS : And that’s no small feat. 

SIRIUS : No, it’s not. 

PETER : You’re both a couple of arrogant jocks. 

SIRIUS : Excuse me, I’m not a jock . Do I play quidditch like a fucking all-star? Sure I do. But I don’t live and breathe quidditch like this guy does. It’s not, like, my only interest. Besides, I’ve got a bad boy reputation to uphold and the jock thing is not, um, it’s not the vibe I’m going for. 

JAMES : But you are pretty fucking cocky, though. 

SIRIUS : Yes, of course I am - with a face and body like this who wouldn’t be? All I’m saying is - at least I've got some hidden depth that keeps me grounded, you know? But you - my god . I think you fully believe you’re god’s gift to the world.

JAMES : I can't help that I’m super handsome and smart and athletic and funny -

PETER : Jesus. 

JAMES : - and a natural leader -

SIRIUS : Yeah, yeah, we get it. 

JAMES : - I mean, all these really great qualities! It’s not my fault!

REMUS : Hold on, I want to know more about Sirius’s hidden depth. Can you elaborate on that?

SIRIUS : Well. Lucky for you, Moony, you’ll find out a lot more about my, ah, hidden depth later tonight, after these two have gone to bed. 

[laughing] 

JAMES : Here we go again. 

SIRIUS : You’ll become, ah, very intimate with my hidden depth. 

REMUS : Or, as I like to call it, your Hidden D. 

JAMES : [laughing hysterically] HIDDEN D!

SIRIUS : Yeah. My Hidden D. I’m gonna lay bare my Hidden D for you tonight. 

REMUS : I can’t wait. I’m gonna go hard at your Hidden D. 

SIRIUS : [breathless] Please god go hard at it, Moony -

PETER : Good lord, you two. 

SIRIUS : - My D is all yours.

PETER : Prongs, are they always like this and I’ve just never noticed?

JAMES : No? I mean, I’ve never seen them this explicit before. Though it feels weirdly organic? But more importantly we were talking about me and I’d like to get back to that conversation. 

SIRIUS : Oh my god , just start talking then! You don’t have to announce it!

JAMES : Well stop stealing the show!

REMUS : You’re right, sorry Prongs. We were talking about how arrogant you are. Please continue. 

JAMES : Thank you. It’s good to be in the spotlight again. 

PETER : How was the game yesterday?

JAMES : Glad you asked, Pete! Well, as you know, we kicked Ravenclaw’s ass, which is really no surprise because our team this year is top notch. 

SIRIUS : You're welcome. 

JAMES : You know what? I’ll allow it. You can take partial credit. You had one hell of a game yesterday. Sirius blocked every quaffle that came his way!

SIRIUS : I did have some pretty incredible saves. 

JAMES : Bro, when Blake knocked that bludger into Fawley -

SIRIUS : And headed straight the fuck for me? Yeah. 

JAMES : - and took off left field with the quaffle in your direction - I was like shit , there’s no way -

SIRIUS : I swear to god, everything else blurred out of focus except him and me. 

JAMES : - and he tried to fake it to the right but holy shit your reflexes were insane dude -

SIRIUS : I know. 

JAMES : - and you stopped it with, like, the tips of your fingers ! 

SIRIUS : Sometimes the tip is all you need. 

JAMES : What a fucking save!

SIRIUS : It was possibly the highlight of my career. 

JAMES : I had goosebumps!

SIRIUS : Listen, that jackass has let too many wins go to his head and now he walks around like his shit don’t stink. Someone needed to wipe that smug smile off his dumb fucking face. 

JAMES : Well you succeeded. It was glorious. 

SIRIUS : Thank you, Prongs. You’re too kind. You didn’t play so bad yourself.

JAMES : Yeah I played alright.

SIRIUS : I heard your name announced, like, every five minutes. You played better than alright. 

JAMES : Only every five minutes?

SIRIUS : There it is. 

JAMES : Their team is better this year than last year, but they’ve got some blind spots. 

SIRIUS : Leave it to you to sniff them out. 

JAMES : It’s all part of the fun. 

SIRIUS : Browne had some phenomenal blocks. And how about when McKinnon dodged that bludger and scored?

JAMES : Holy shit, dude, what a play. What a play. Honestly I think that was her best game so far this season. 

SIRIUS : She was a force to be reckoned with, for sure. She’s always had a killer arm but this year she’s been on fire. 

JAMES : Totally. And once Dawson caught sight of the snitch it was all over. She went in for the kill. I mean, everyone played beautifully. 

REMUS : Wow, this is all riveting content. 

PETER : What? I spaced out for like a solid five minutes. 

JAMES : Ravenclaw, on the other hand -

REMUS : And they’re still going. 

JAMES : - they played okay but they had some real issues. They weren’t as tight as they should have been. Which was weird, because they destroyed Hufflepuff the week before. 

SIRIUS : Yeah but remember the Puffs had that massive party the night before the Ravenclaw game?

JAMES : No. 

SIRIUS : Moony, remember that?

REMUS : Huh?

SIRIUS : That Hufflepuff party?

REMUS : Oh man. Honestly, I barely remember anything from that night.

SIRIUS : Well, neither do I, but from what I do remember it was legendary. Say what you want about Hufflepuffs, but they know how to fucking party. Prongs, you and Pete were doing… something - I don’t remember. Something lame. 

JAMES : Studying ?

SIRIUS : Yeah, that was it. 

REMUS : I had fully intended on studying after we left the greenhouses. 

SIRIUS : Yeah. So did I. Thankfully we made the right decision to not do that. But yeah, there was no hope for the team to play well the next day. It was a sure thing for Ravenclaw. Even I needed a day to recover. 

JAMES : I vaguely remember that now. I mean Hufflepuff started the match absolutely terrible but they rallied back and took control of the game later on. Until that game, Hufflepuff has played pretty solid - better than Ravenclaw. Though, I hate to say it, I think they’re gonna have their asses handed to them by Slytherin next week. 

SIRIUS : Hey. Don’t say things like that. You’ll jinx it. 

JAMES : Just telling it like it is, man. 

SIRIUS : They’ve got a shot. 

JAMES : Not after they got killed by Ravenclaw. You gotta admit, that was brutal. 

SIRIUS : I dunno, I didn’t watch it. I was sleeping off my hangover. Or at least trying to. SOMEONE kept hogging the blankets. It was really annoying. 

REMUS : Then you should’ve slept in your own fucking bed. Simple as that. 

SIRIUS : The sun was shining on mine! And the window kept blowing the curtains open! You know I can’t sleep under those conditions!

JAMES : Wait, did this actually happen or this part of your, uh, shtick?

REMUS : No, this actually happened. 

PETER : I can confirm. They were still like that when I got back to the room later. 

JAMES : Jesus. [laughing] There are gonna be a lot of rumors swirling around after this episode has aired!

SIRIUS : Good. Moony loves the attention. 

REMUS : [snorts] Yeah right. 

SIRIUS : By the way, what shtick? I resent that. My adoration for Moony is genuine and pure. 

JAMES : Yeah, okay. This seems like a good place to take a break. When we come back, we’re gonna switch gears and get to the, ah, sobering state of affairs. So stick around. 

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[music]

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JAMES : This episode of PSH is sponsored by -

SIRIUS : YOUR MOM. 

[silence]

JAMES : But seriously, it is sponsored by -

SIRIUS : Your mom.

JAMES : - my mom. 

JAMES : Thanks for helping us launch this thing, mom. 

SIRIUS : Thank you Euphemia. We love you. 

REMUS : That’s nice of you guys to say, but if we’re lucky she’s not going to hear any of this. Ever. 

JAMES : Too true. 

SIRIUS : Yeah, guys. Come on. Less with the dick jokes, okay? Grow up. 

JAMES : Well that ship has sailed. But hey! If you, awesome listener, want to pay us to advertise your business, you know, send us an owl and let’s get to work. 

PETER : Please and thank you. 

JAMES : Send us your info and we’ll work our magic. 

SIRIUS : Not like dark magic. 

JAMES : No. Just, like, the art of persuasion. 

REMUS : So it’s really more art than magic. 

JAMES : Sure, yeah. 

SIRIUS : Listen. You may be thinking, why would I pay these goons to advertise for us? Why should I invest in four young idiots, who wield little more than a set of microphones and inflated egos? 

[laughter]

SIRIUS : Well. I’ll tell you why. 

REMUS : Tell us. 

SIRIUS : I’m getting there, Moony. Here’s why: it’s going to be a wildly popular podcast. 

[silence]

JAMES : That’s it?

SIRIUS : What more do you need?

REMUS : Well you really built it up. 

PETER : We thought there was going to be more. 

SIRIUS : Look, I’m not a copywriter. Okay? But I’m more than capable of reading things out loud. So send us your copy and I’ll, ah, recite it. On air. We’ll broadcast it for you. I’ll -

JAMES : Enough said, I guess. 

SIRIUS : - ah. Our microphones are like our paintbrush and the podcast is like the canvas. 

PETER : Okay?

SIRIUS : Going with the art metaphor. 

JAMES : Right. Of persuasion. 

PETER : Oh, right. 

SIRIUS : And our voices are like the paint. 

JAMES : Yes, totally.

SIRIUS : And I’m super popular. So. That’s why. I think you’d be doing yourself a disservice by not sponsoring us. Trust me -

REMUS : He’s not wrong. 

SIRIUS : - the tea leaves told me. 

REMUS : I’m pretty sure there was some prophecy about this. Like, how hugely successful you’ll be after we drop your ads. 

SIRIUS : Yeah that was my prophecy. 

JAMES : What do you mean by your prophecy?

SIRIUS : Like I spoke the prophecy. I uttered the prophecy -

JAMES : Oh right. 

SIRIUS : - into existence. 

JAMES : No, yeah, I forgot about that. 

SIRIUS : Yeah, me too. Me too. I totally forgot. Luckily, Moony here has a mind like a steel trap. 

JAMES : Thank god for Moony. 

SIRIUS : Seriously. 

JAMES : Honestly, what would we do without Moony?

PETER : Probably be dead. 

REMUS : That’s actually accurate. 

JAMES : Yeah. So hey! Send us an owl so this popular guy can read your ad!

SIRIUS : Do it. 

REMUS : He’ll read the shit out of it. 

SIRIUS : I will. 

REMUS : Plus he’s got a really sexy voice, so that helps. 

SIRIUS : Sorry, Moony, I didn’t catch that. Can you say that again?

JAMES : HE SAID YOU’VE GOT A REALLY SEXY VOICE.

SIRIUS : Okay you don’t need to shout at me, god damn. I wanted Moony to say it, not you. 

REMUS : You’ve got a really sexy voice, Sirius. It’s like rich and bright but a little rough around the edges -

SIRIUS : Yeah, you like it rough?

REMUS : Yeah, just the way I like it. 

JAMES : Alright calm down, you two. Reach out to us and um, yeah. We look forward to advertising with you!

REMUS : Voice like hot sex. 

—————

[music]

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JAMES : Okay, we’re back. Let’s get down to business. We’re gonna really sober up, here. So there’s been a lot of kinda fucked up shit going on in the wizarding community and that’s why we wanted to start this podcast - just to like talk about it and get our fellow young adults engaged and informed. So um. Yesterday the Minister of Magic shut down rumors of a coming war, saying the ministry has a “full and aggressive handle” on the situation. This is just his latest attempt to downplay the unrest that’s been brewing among certain groups of pure blood wizards. What do we think, is that actually going to help anything? Moony, why don’t you kick us off. 

REMUS : I mean, look. We’re actively engaged in the wizarding community, like obviously we wouldn’t be doing this if we weren’t, so we’ve been aware for some time now that murky things have been brewing in the twisted underworld of the purist society. But like, now the rumors are so widespread that even witches and wizards who have long disengaged with the ministry are becoming aware that there’s something going on. And like, call me naive, but I’m willing to believe that most people are decent and see this for what it is: an evil cult threatening to undermine the ability for purebloods and muggles and everyone in between to collaborate and live in peace with one another. But then there’s this fucking bonkers subset of pureblood families whose heads are so far up their own asses that they’re not only willing to believe every bit of bullshit progaganda launched their way, but actually proud to be bigoted assholes.

JAMES : Right. Totally. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Sirius, care to comment on the, ah, fucking bonkers pureblood families? 

[laughing]

SIRIUS : How long are these episodes?

JAMES : Not long enough!

SIRIUS : Never long enough. I think my therapist and I have just barely skimmed the surface.

[laughing]

SIRIUS : And it’s only taken six years!

REMUS : Keep it up and maybe you’ll get to the good stuff before they retire.

JAMES : Hey, something to shoot for!

PETER : It’s good to have goals.

SIRIUS : Every time she thinks we’re starting to get to the real meat and potatoes I throw another zinger her way and we’re off to the races again.

JAMES : MOMENTUM!

SIRIUS : The other day. [laughing] This is a true story. The other day I was telling her about a time I put up posters of muggle bands all over the house, and she stopped me and asked, um, “Did that experience give you a sense of control in an otherwise out of control situation?” and I was like, “Listen, sweetie, we’ll get to that. First let me tell you about my mother’s reaction to the half-naked muggle babe staring at her from the wall.”

[laughing]

REMUS : Cool story. You just made that up, didn’t you?

SIRIUS : I did, yes. I’m kidding, that didn’t actually happen. 

SIRIUS : Also I don’t have a female therapist. 

SIRIUS : Also I don’t have a therapist. 

SIRIUS : Well I have these three and they’re basically therapists. 

PETER : We’re not technically trained in psychiatry. 

JAMES : “Technically.”

REMUS : He’s a terrible client. 

SIRIUS : I know, I am. I’m demanding, I don’t pay well -

JAMES : You don’t pay at all!

SIRIUS : Well, I don’t pay in currency , let’s just say that. 

[laughter]

SIRIUS : But, um. Look. I’m not gonna get into my own whack job family issues, but like yeah there’s a lot of intolerant pure blood families out there who abide by this archaic ideology that wizards with “tainted” blood lines are somehow inferior to those with pure blood lines, and should be treated as such. Obviously for like any sensible human being this, like, a really disturbing way of thinking. And it needs to be said that there are notable pure blood families that don’t believe this heap of garbage. I mean, James -

JAMES : Yeah. 

SIRIUS : - you could go on about that. We’ve both come from pretty old pureblood families and yet I don’t think our home lives growing up could possibly be any more different. 

JAMES : It’s true. Like, completely opposite. 

SIRIUS : And like sure some of that comes down to personality differences, but it mostly stems from this strict, ultra traditional worldview that influences every thing they do. And for a long time that was kinda getting phased out. But then here comes this gifted, outspoken wizard who’s not afraid to vocalize and defend all these questionable values they’ve been clinging to behind closed doors and suddenly these people are becoming more bold and feeling vindicated. 

REMUS : Like, the assholes are feeling justified for being assholes, and so then they form a band of assholes and the asshole-ness intensifies. 

SIRIUS : Wow. Moony. Beautifully said. You have such a way with words. 

REMUS : Thank you. 

SIRIUS : You’re welcome. 

PETER : And they have a ringleader now who’s attempting to normalize it.

JAMES : And, in a way, succeeding. 

REMUS : Right. But like the scariest part is that there’s this pretty significant chunk of people in the middle who recognize that it’s a threat to our institutions and the wizarding community as a whole but are too terrified to get involved or to speak out against it. 

JAMES : Well, and not to be alarming, but this is a pretty powerful group of wizards. 

REMUS : Well, and not just wizards -

JAMES : Right. 

REMUS : There’s like this whole motley crew of magical creatures jumping on the bandwagon. Which is honestly a sticky issue because there are some aspects of, I’m just gonna say it, Voldemort’s agenda that acknowledge areas where the wizarding community haven’t treated them the best. And so he’s gained their support by incorporating some basic, you know, valid talking points, which is likely the only part they’re paying attention to, but it’s wrapped up in all this other bullshit of like non-magical beings are the scum of the earth and need to be dealt with accordingly. 

JAMES : No, yeah, totally. I mean like from what I’ve seen so far he’s kind of a master manipulator - he knows what different groups of people want to hear. So he’s smart in that way. 

PETER : Well and he’s like honestly a good speaker. He’s handsome, he’s confident - it’s like some weird paradox that he looks like a normal, smart, respectable guy but the words that come out of his mouth is vile garbage. But like, you only hear that if you’re paying attention. Which, for a lot of people, if you’re just seeing a picture of him in the paper or seeing a clip of him speaking, you’re not hearing the horrible things he’s saying. So then it almost seems like the people who are up in arms about him are overreacting. And so now we’ve got this incredible division going on among those are in the know, and it turns a lot of people off. They just want their family safe. And for some, that means turning a blind eye. 

JAMES : Yeah. People are legitimately scared. 

SIRIUS : The thing is - yeah he’s a fucking powerful wizard, he’s well spoken, he’s persuasive, but I think it’s becoming clearer and clearer that - he literally only cares about power. 

PETER : And honestly for the average person, that’s the message we should be communicating. He doesn’t care about his followers. His entire modus operandi is like carefully curated and manufactured to get people on board without stopping to question what his true intentions are. And like, that’s what we should be honing in on. 

JAMES : I mean, you’re right. Like, if we focus on, ‘this is a bad dude, his followers are evil, just like he is,’ we’re only setting ourselves up for failure. That’s not a message the resonates or like does well with the average wizard. 

REMUS : Or anybody, really.

JAMES : Right. And I think that’s our knee jerk reaction - to sound the alarm on how terrifying and evil this guy is. But that’s a message that can work well with some people - that he’s some sort of strongman. What we need to do is convince people that he’s actually really pathetic and he doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself. 

SIRIUS : Like, even these delusional pure blood families, we need to try to work on getting that message across that becoming his follower does not give you a free ticket to a life of grandeur. If you think your life is going to be better under Voldemort’s role, it’s just a fallacy. 

REMUS : You are not going to be a superior being if he comes to power - everyone is going to be inferior to him. He’s going to use you until he has no more use for you. 

SIRIUS : And, rest assured, he will. He will use you and then discard you. 

JAMES : One hundred percent. One hundred percent. It’s, uh… it’s not gonna end well for anyone, if he comes to power.

SIRIUS : No… it’s not. 

[silence]

JAMES : And on that note, that’s about all the depressing shit I can handle for the day! We need something, like, lighthearted to end on. 

SIRIUS : Do you, um - do you want me to tell you a joke?

JAMES : [laughing] By all means! Please do!

SIRIUS : Okay, um. Why, uh… Why did… 

 [silence] 

JAMES : Take your time. 

SIRIUS : What do you call a… 

 [silence] 

SIRIUS : I don’t know. I got nothing. 

[laughing]

JAMES : What?!

PETER : Yikes. 

SIRIUS : I can’t think!

JAMES : Dammit, Sirius, now I’m in an even worse mood than I was before! [laughing]

SIRIUS : I’m sorry. I’M SORRY. I know. I’m just - I’m flustered. Moony was just looking - whatever. Never mind. There was just too much pressure. 

REMUS : What was I doing?

SIRIUS : Nothing. You were doing nothing. Just being - you.

REMUS : Fine. I’ve got one. 

PETER : A joke?

REMUS : Yeah. 

JAMES : Let’s hear it!

REMUS : What do you call Padfoot when he’s joking around?

JAMES : What?

REMUS : Not-So-Sirius Black. 

[laughing]

SIRIUS : Wow. WOW, Moony. You really went with a joke about my name .

REMUS : I did, yeah. I did. But if you had come up with a joke on your own I wouldn’t have had to make up such a dumb fucking joke in the first place. 

PETER : Why would you offer to tell a joke if you didn’t even know one?

SIRIUS : I don’t know, Jesus! Get off my back!

JAMES : [laughing] I don’t think we could have a better ending than that! If you’ve made it this far - 

SIRIUS : WHY?

JAMES : - [laughing] right?! If you made it to the end, thanks for joining us for our first episode and we’ll be back next week!

REMUS : If they let us. 

PETER : No kidding. 

JAMES : Have a great week, guys!

REMUS : Later. 

PETER : See ya. 

SIRIUS : Byeee!

—————

[music]

—————

Chapter Text

—————

[music]

—————

JAMES : Welcome to Pod Save Hogwarts! Guys, can you believe they let us do another one of these?

[laughing]

PETER : After last week? No. 

JAMES : Yeah, me neither. 

REMUS : Someone has a LOT of misguided faith in us. 

JAMES : I’m James Potter!

PETER : I’m Peter Pettigrew. 

REMUS : I’m Remus Lupin. 

SIRIUS : Look, there’s no time for tedious introductions -

JAMES : Sirius Black, everyone!

SIRIUS : - I’ve recently made a, uh, a pretty incredible discovery. That I need to share ASAP. 

PETER : Oh god, not this. We’re really starting with this?

SIRIUS : Yes, this. 

PETER : Okay, but WE already know all about it. 

SIRIUS : But our lovely listeners haven’t, and what, I’m supposed to just deny them of it?

REMUS : YES. For the love of god, yes. 

SIRIUS : That would be a damn shame. Listen. Someone let slip that Moony and I’s dynamic - um, our flirtatious banter on the Pod last week has inspired - drum roll please -

JAMES : [drum roll]

SIRIUS : - fanfiction. 

PETER : Fanfiction is -

SIRIUS : Oh my god, Pete, people know what fucking fanfiction is. Jesus. Give our listeners some more credit then that. So anyway I’ve been doing some light reading -

JAMES : He’s done a DEEP dive. 

SIRIUS : Yeah, no, I only stayed up for like four days straight reading this shit. But like seriously, it’s *chefs kiss*. Two thumbs up. Highly recommend. 

PETER : Yeah we know how you feel about it, because you’re so in love with yourself. 

SIRIUS : Excuse me, sir, it’s a lot more than that. It’s romantic and inspiring and really takes you through a journey of the human condition -

JAMES : There’s a lot of smut.

REMUS : Christ, so much smut.

PETER : It’s unsettling.

SIRIUS : It’s beautiful.

JAMES : Moony, how do you feel about it?

REMUS : Flattered, I guess?

SIRIUS : Of course he’s flattered, he’s the fucking star!

JAMES : I mean, that’s true. You are the star, Remus. At least in all the ones I’ve read. 

PETER : You’ve been reading them?

JAMES : Bro, how could I not read them? You haven’t?

PETER : I’ve never read fanfiction in my entire life and I’m not starting now when it’s about my friends. Barf. But I feel like I’ve read it, since Padfoot over here has been sharing so much of it out loud. 

JAMES : Speaking of sharing out loud, look what I’ve got here! [laughing] I’m going to read a brief excerpt from my personal favorite -

SIRIUS : Yes! Pete, you might want to cover your ears. I don’t want you to have a brain aneurysm. 

PETER : Oh shut up. 

SIRIUS : I’m only trying to help! Jeez! You’re so prickly. 

JAMES : Okay, hush. Listen up. The title of this one is “Guys Night” -

SIRIUS : Sorry, James, but I’m gonna have to stop you right there -

PETER : Thank God. 

SIRIUS : - because first I need to know, whose POV is this from?

JAMES : Yours, obviously. 

REMUS : Obviously. 

JAMES : Most of them are. 

SIRIUS : Because I’m so relatable. 

REMUS : Because you’re such a loudmouth and everything’s all about you. 

JAMES : Actually, it’s because everyone’s in love with Remus -

SIRIUS : Yeah.

JAMES : - so it just makes sense.

REMUS : Hold on, what?

SIRIUS : God, it’s like painfully true.

PETER : Yeah, dude. All the girls love you.

JAMES : Hey, whoa, and the boys.

SIRIUS : AND THE BOYS, Peter. What am I, invisible?

JAMES : I’d bang him.

SIRIUS : Hands off, James! I’m not interested in a ménage à trois. I’ve done it, and it never ends well.

JAMES : [laughing] No you haven’t.

SIRIUS : Excuse me. From my 100% bonafide totally real personal experience, I can say they usually end up with one person crying and I have a strong suspicion that in this case I would be the one crying. So, ah -

[laughing]

SIRIUS : - the answer is no.

PETER : Okay, well, if this ever happens -

SIRIUS : You’re not invited.

PETER : - make sure you use a strong locking charm on the door. I don’t want anything to do with that. 

JAMES : Now, now - I said I would bang him. You know. If I was unattached. But alas, my heart already belongs to another. 

SIRIUS : Jesus. Calm down, Shakespeare.

REMUS : It’s okay, Prongs. Though I’ll mourn for all the sweet, sweet loving -

SIRIUS : Okay -

REMUS : - that we could be having.

SIRIUS : - OKAY, that’s enough. James, stop caressing his face, you slut.

PETER : Well if there wasn’t already three-way fanfiction about you before, there will be after this.

JAMES : I would honestly be offended if I wasn’t an active participant in at least a few of these stories.

REMUS : Like, at least give the guy a small role.

[laughing]

JAMES : I can, like, show up at the end.

[laughing]

SIRIUS : You can [laughing] - you can hand us a tissue when we’re done.

[laughing hysterically]

REMUS : [close to the mic] Sirius’s body, heavy and sated from his white-hot release, sags against the long expanse of Remus’s slick torso, when a dark shape appears out of his peripheral vision. He looks up and sees James holding out a box of tissues like a sacred peace offering, nodding, with a proud smile on his face.

[laughing and clapping]

JAMES : Oh my god, I have tears running down my face! You should be writing, Moony. That was incredible. 

SIRIUS : Hold on, this bears repeating: A PROUD SMILE ON HIS FACE.

[laughing]

JAMES : Good job, buddy, you did it. [laughing] I was rooting for you the whole time.

PETER : He’s such a supportive friend.

SIRIUS : I, for one, would like to hear more about that slick, expansive torso, Moony. I’m getting a - uh - an incredibly vivid - incredibly colorful image in my head, and I’d like to, you know, hear some more details. Just to - just to really make sure I’m getting the visual right.

REMUS : Okay, so the first thing you need to know is that just below my left nipple -

SIRIUS : Jesus Christ. 

[laughing]

SIRIUS : Hold on. Slower. I’m writing this down. Can you repeat that last word for me?

REMUS : [whispering] Nipple . 

SIRIUS : [audibly shudders] 

[laughing]

SIRIUS : Moony, please continue. And be very specific.

PETER : I don’t think we need to read that fanfic out loud. I think you guys have it covered.

SIRIUS : Silence, Peter! Let the man speak!

REMUS : Nah, better not say any more than that. I don’t want to be indecent.

SIRIUS : Goddammit, Peter. You ruined it.

JAMES : You know, Moony, that blurb you just came up with - that was really impressive. I’m amazed you could come up with it on the spot. 

REMUS : Who says I did?

JAMES : [laughing] Oh my god, Moony, please tell me you write fanfiction in your spare time!

PETER : Well it’s either that, or it’s actually autobiographical. 

SIRIUS : God, I wish. 

REMUS : Secret’s out. My pen name is actually RemusBlackXXX. 

[laughing]

JAMES : [laughing hysterically] RemusBlackXXX!!!

PETER : Good god. 

SIRIUS : I think that has a superb ring to it. HOWEVER, if we ever got married, we would definitely take your name. Fuck, my mother would be furious if I dropped the Black name. 

JAMES : Sirius Lupin. I dig it. 

REMUS : Honestly, you fucking would marry me just to piss your mom off, wouldn’t you?

SIRIUS : 100%. 

JAMES : I’m surprised he hasn’t already. 

SIRIUS : Well I hadn’t thought of it before, but it’s fucking brilliant. That’s it. We’re eloping tonight. Moony, you in?

REMUS : Don’t you think we’re rushing it a little bit? I mean -

SIRIUS : Moony, stop being practical -

REMUS : - just think of how much more dishonor you could bring to the name before giving it up?

SIRIUS : You sly son of a bitch. Just when I think I couldn’t love you any more. You’re so right. 

REMUS : The party’s kind of over once you become a Lupin. 

SIRIUS : [scoffs] Are you kidding me? The party’s just beginning once I become a Lupin. 

JAMES : I SHIP IT. 

PETER : You guys need like one of those combined names. Like a nickname. 

JAMES : They have one! Someone came up with - get this - MOONSHINE!

PETER : Moonshine?

JAMES : Yeah like cause his name means moon and his name is a constellation. So like. Moon - shine. 

PETER : It’s cute!

JAMES : I know, right?!

PETER : I do feel like I have to point out that the pen names RemusBlackXXX and SiriusLupin are definitely going to be used after this episode airs, so you might want to claim those before someone else snatches them and writes some wicked shit saying it’s you. 

SIRIUS : Yeah, I’m going to claim it and I’m going to write some wicked shit. Buckle up, motherfuckers. 

JAMES : You guys should have a fanfic-off!

PETER : Hmm, a little friendly competition?

REMUS : I don’t do competitions. 

JAMES : BOO. 

REMUS : Besides, I would win. 

JAMES & PETER : Ohhh!!!

JAMES : Big talk, Moony. Hear that, Padfoot?

SIRIUS : Yeah, I was literally sitting right here. Moony, you have a way with words - I’ll grant you that. But my mind is so fucking twisted I could conjure up the kind of kinky shit that would blow your freaking mind. 

REMUS : You underestimate me, Black. You have no idea what goes on inside my head. 

JAMES: [chanting] Fan - fic - off! Fan - fic - off!

SIRIUS : Moony, you can’t just say things like that. I literally have shivers. 

PETER : Moving on… 

JAMES : Cmon, you need a competition. 

REMUS : Absolutely not. 

JAMES : Lame. In that case - yes, let’s move on. Jesus, what a way to start this week’s episode, huh? [laughing]

PETER : Typical. 

JAMES : Comin’ in hot!

SIRIUS : I’ve been so jazzed to talk about it, not gonna lie, guys. 

JAMES : Yeah dude, you’ve been chomping at the bit all week. 

SIRIUS : Listen, it’s not every day you find out there’s fanfiction about you and the love of your life. 

REMUS : It’s been a ride. 

SIRIUS : My serotonin levels this week have been through the roof. 

JAMES : And we had a week off from quidditch because life is a cruel joke, so might as well jump down the fanfiction rabbit hole. 

SIRIUS : And, in an extra twist of the knife, Slytherin destroyed Hufflepuff yesterday, so it’s too painful to even bring up. 

JAMES : Not another word! We are not giving them the satisfaction of talking about their win on the pod. 

PETER : The only time James Potter doesn’t want to talk quidditch. 

REMUS : A rare event. 

JAMES : I’d much rather talk about Padfoot and Moony fucking on each other. 

PETER : Weird. 

SIRIUS : I’ll allow it. 

PETER : You say that like those are the only two options. 

REMUS : You guys should try studying. Could be a real game changer for you. 

SIRIUS : Ew. What the hell, Moony?

JAMES : Hey, I study!

REMUS : I’m just sayin - I spent more time with your girlfriend in the library yesterday than you did the entire week, Prongs. 

JAMES : I realize that. However, my boy had a pretty momentous week and I needed to be there to ride the wave with him! Lily -

PETER : I think he’s capable of reading fanfiction without assistance.  

JAMES : - Lily -

SIRIUS : You’re giving me an awful lot of credit, there, Pete. 

JAMES : - Lily understands. Because she’s amazing and perfect in every way. 

PETER : You better watch out, Prongs, or else Moony is gonna steal your girl. 

JAMES : Pretty sure Moony coulda stolen my girl seven years ago before she was my girl, if he wanted to. I think I’m pretty safe, at this point. 

REMUS : Have we talked about running away together? Absolutely. Will we? Eh, probably not. 

PETER : Probably . 

REMUS : Fuck around and find out. 

JAMES : SAVAGE. 

REMUS : I said what I said. 

SIRIUS : Damn, they have the ultimate trump card. 

JAMES : Putting the fear of god into us. 

REMUS : Someone’s gotta try to keep you fuckers in line. 

PETER : Easier said than done. 

JAMES : You give us a wide berth and we love you for that. 

SIRIUS : They are fucking gems. 

JAMES : They are fucking gems. 

PETER : It took my brain a moment to catch up cause at first all I heard was “they are fucking” and I was like - uh…  

SIRIUS : I think I read that fanfic!

[laughing]

JAMES : I can’t tell if you’re kidding or not. 

SIRIUS : I mean, I was kidding but - let's be real, it’s probably out there. 

REMUS : To be honest, nothing would surprise me anymore. 

PETER : So is Moony just like fucking everybody in these things or what? Jesus Christ. 

[laughing]

REMUS : Apparently. 

PETER : Damn, Moony. 

JAMES : He really gets around. 

REMUS : My fictional love life is very exciting. 

SIRIUS : He never quits. It’s just sex all the time for this guy. Me and Moony are in the bathroom brushing our teeth? BOOM, sex. We’re alone in an empty corridor? BOOM, sex. He and Lily are studying in the library? BOOM, sex, probably. 

JAMES : I have extremely mixed feelings about that last one that I’d rather not read into. 

PETER : Well yeah, you straight up admitted you’d fuck him. 

JAMES : And I don’t regret it. 

PETER : The dynamic in this group is starting to feel out of control. 

SIRIUS : Recording a podcast? BOOM, sex. Even Wormtail. 

REMUS : Especially Wormtail. 

[laughing]

PETER : Here’s an idea: we stop this recording right now, destroy the evidence, adopt new names, go separate ways, and never speak to each other again. 

[laughing]

PETER : Or at least leave this one in the drafts and start from scratch. This seems too intimate - too dysfunctional - for public consumption. 

[laughing]

SIRIUS : Yeah BUT, you gotta admit, it is hilarious. 

PETER : Do I? I’m not so sure about that. 

JAMES : Well Sirius and I have absolutely zero shame -

SIRIUS : Zero . 

REMUS : And god knows they love the attention. 

JAMES : - true - so it’s safe to say we have no reservations about anyone hearing this. [laughing] I’ll leave it up to Moony. What do you think?

REMUS : Whatever. Air it. I don’t fucking care. 

JAMES : Well, there you go. 

SIRIUS : We have zero shame. Moony has zero fucks to give. 

JAMES : Sorry, Pete, you’re outnumbered here. 

SIRIUS : Look, I don’t see what the problem is. Have we spent a half hour talking about fictional sex with each other? Sure. But like, what? Am I supposed to be embarrassed by that?

PETER : It’s not exactly normal for a group of straight guys to talk about sex with each other this much. 

SIRIUS : First of all, normalize it. Second of all, I wouldn’t say -

JAMES : Hold on, wait - I’m sorry, did we somehow give you the impression that we’re normal? [laughing] Cause there’s your first mistake. Also, take that toxic masculinity bullshit somewhere else. It’s starting to piss me off. 

PETER : Okay, fine! I’m sorry! I wasn’t trying to shame anyone, god. 

JAMES : Loosen the fuck up, man. What’s going on with you these days, anyway? You still seeing, ah, what’s-her-name?

PETER : Unlike you people, I like to keep my private life just that - private . 

SIRIUS : [fart noise] BORING. I’m gonna write you into my next fanfic. Spice things up for you. 

PETER : Hard pass, thanks. 

JAMES : Oh, you know what?! Even though we can’t talk about yesterday’s quidditch game, we can talk about our upcoming Gryffindor/Hufflepuff game!

PETER : Thank god. 

JAMES : It should be a pretty easy win for us, but that doesn’t mean we can slack off. It’s Hufflepuff’s last game of the season, so let’s make sure they have zero chance of making it to cup finals. 

SIRIUS : Easy. 

JAMES : Their defense has been pretty tight, but I’ve got some ideas I’m gonna try out. Sirius, this is gonna be your time to shine. Their Chasers took a few beatings from bludgers yesterday that I don’t even want to get into because the amount of fucking fouls yesterday by Slytherin was just - 

SIRIUS : Unbelievable. 

JAMES : - fucking bullshit . Like are you fucking kidding me?! Anyways. I digress. Grim outlook for Hufflepuff, but good for us. 

SIRIUS : Not to mention we had a week of rest, so we’re gonna come back raring to go. 

JAMES : I almost feel bad about it. I mean, they’re not a bad team - they have arguably one of the best Seekers in the league, but the odds are just stacked against them on this one. 

SIRIUS : Yeah, it’s, um… it’s not looking good for poor Hufflepuff. We’re coming for you. 

JAMES : It’s definitely gonna be one to watch. Wormtail, you’ll be there. 

PETER : Always.

JAMES : Moony, you should come to this one. It’s gonna be good… Oh, don’t wrinkle your nose at me!

REMUS : I’d rather be doing literally anything else. 

JAMES : Don’t you want to show your support for your best friends in the whole world?

REMUS : Do you want, like, my honest answer to that?

PETER : I’ll get him there, guys. Don’t worry. 

REMUS : I’ll think about it. It’s a maybe. 

JAMES : Cmon. I’m sure Sirius will put on a good show for you, right bro?

SIRIUS : Oh . I’ve got moves you’ve never seen , Moony. 

REMUS : Like… backflips?

[laughing]

SIRIUS : I mean, sure.

REMUS : I wanna see some, fuckin, Cirque du Soleil shit. 

SIRIUS : Your wish is my command, Moony. Prepare to be amazed. 

JAMES : Wait, what the hell is cirque de whatever?

REMUS : It’s like some muggle circus.

[laughing]

JAMES : What?! 

REMUS : They do like crazy acrobatics. 

[laughing] 

JAMES : I don’t even… [laughing] And like you guys have watched it?

SIRIUS : Listen. It’s fucking tight . The things those people are able to do with their bodies… honestly, it’s an incredible display of athleticism. It was truly a sight to behold. 

JAMES : I wanna know what life events led up to you discovering that shit. [laughing] Like, how does one stumble upon something like that?

SIRIUS : James. Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to. 

PETER : You guys had to‘ve been high when you watched that. 

REMUS : I mean, is there any other way to watch Cirque du Soleil? Doubt it. 

[laughing]

SIRIUS : If there is, I’m not interested. 

JAMES : Ah. Okay, it’s starting to make sense now. [laughing]

SIRIUS : God damn, that was cool. 

REMUS : Mind. Bending. 

JAMES : [laughing] I just got a hilarious visual of you two sharing a blanket, munching on chocolate frogs, “ooh”-ing and “ahh”-ing, and just baked as fucking hell. 

SIRIUS : I’m sorry, were you there? Cause that was a scarily accurate description. 

[laughing]

REMUS : But seriously, were you there? Cause I was stoned out of my mind and probably wouldn’t have noticed. 

[laughing]

JAMES : You guys really would be a match made in heaven. I’m fucking serious. Okay let’s take a quick break, and when we come back… there’s now concrete evidence that Voldemort is a menace, if anyone doubted it for some reason, and we’ll get into what we can do about it from within Hogwarts. So stick around. 

—————

[music]

—————

JAMES : The presenting sponsor of Pod Save Hogwarts is Ogden’s Old Firewhisky. Hey Sirius -

SIRIUS : Yeah?

JAMES : - let’s say you and I threw a party. In the dorms.

SIRIUS : Okay. 

JAMES : And there were alcoholic drinks served. Which we would never do. 

SIRIUS : Never. But go on. 

JAMES : What would be your must-have drink?

SIRIUS : Well. What’s the party for? Who’s invited? I need, ah, I need some backstory here. 

JAMES : Hm. Let’s say we just won the quidditch cup. Spirits are high. Everyone’s invited. Which - again - is so unlike us - we would never do this and we don’t condone such blatant disregard for school rules -

SIRIUS : Right. Very off-brand. 

JAMES : Oh, absolutely. But hypothetically , if we threw a party like that, what’s your go-to drink?

SIRIUS : Well. If - and it’s a big if - this sort of thing ever happened, I would expect a variety of drinks -

JAMES : Naturally. 

SIRIUS : - but the absolute must is firewhisky. 

JAMES : I agree. I mean, is there even a point in having a party if there’s no firewhisky? 

SIRIUS : The correct answer is no. 

JAMES : No. 

SIRIUS : Listen. If I showed up to a party and found out they don’t have firewhisky - I would walk right back out. Not worth my time. I expect better, and I deserve better. 

JAMES : Life is too short to attend parties without firewhisky. 

SIRIUS : Exactly. If I’m gonna get myself all dressed up and haul my ass to your party, my throat better be burning by the end of the night. 

REMUS : [snorts]

SIRIUS : Moony -

REMUS : [laughing]

SIRIUS : Moony, get your mind out of the gutter.

REMUS : [laughing]

JAMES : Jesus. [laughing]

[laughing]

SIRIUS : Get a hold of yourself. Both of you. You’re embarrassing me. 

JAMES: [laughing] And there’s no better firewhisky to coat your throat with that smooth burn than Ogden’s Old Firewhisky. 

[laughing]

REMUS : Nice. 

JAMES : For over 200 years, witches and wizards everywhere have enjoyed Ogden’s Old Firewhisky. Ogden’s signature recipe is made with locally grown barley and triple distilled to perfection. 

SIRIUS : Okay so here’s a scenario. Picture this: it’s a Friday night. 9pm. We’re bored and looking for something to do. Out of nowhere, Peter’s body is taken over by a demon -

[laughing]

SIRIUS : - and he hisses out a truly magnificent scheme -

JAMES : What the fuck?!

SIRIUS : - and just like that the demon leaves his body, and we’re all like holy shit dude that’s the first good idea you’ve ever come up with in your whole life! 

[laughing]

PETER : God, you’re an asshole. 

SIRIUS : But like the prank is just truly exceptional and we’ve got nothing else going on, so we’re like let’s fucking do it. And not that we need it, but we’re jonesing for some liquid courage before we get into a little mischief and we remember that we’ve got a secret stash of Ogden’s sweet nectar tucked away. Where, James, did we acquire this bottle?

JAMES : [laughing] The Hog’s Head, of course! You can pick up your supply of Ogden’s Old Firewhisky during your next visit to Hogsmeade!

SIRIUS : So convenient!

JAMES : Bro! I know! So pick up a bottle of Ogden’s Old Firewhisky for your next party or, you know, demon possession!

[laughing]

SIRIUS : It’s like I always say… it, uh, [laughing] it ain’t no demon possession without some Ogden’s!

[laughing]

JAMES : You do always say that, don’t you?!

SIRIUS : I do. I do. 

JAMES : Ogden’s Old Firewhisky: set your tastebuds alight. 

—————

[music]

—————

JAMES : Alright, let's get to the news. A lot of shit hit the fan this week. So unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know by now that Voldemort is dealing with shady characters and it’s been pretty widely speculated that his supporters have been behind some pretty horrific attacks recently. Well, now we have INDISPUTABLE EVIDENCE that he’s the monster we always suspected he was!

REMUS : Shocking. 

JAMES : Right?! 

SIRIUS : I’m sorry, but - if you needed solid evidence at this point that the man is evil - I mean, I don’t know what to tell you. Like, it’s not a secret. 

JAMES: Totally. So on Thursday night a group of his supporters attacked a crowd of muggles, completely unprompted, killing four and injuring a handful of others. The Ministry of Magic was quick to dispatch Aurors to apprehend the attackers and tend to the victims. Unfortunately the attackers fled the scene, but not before one of the Aurors snapped a picture of the culprits - which has been spread far and wide. 

REMUS : Can I just say, it’s fucking sickening and heartbreaking that those muggles who survived and the families of the deceased will never know the truth of what happened to them. 

JAMES : Horrifying. BUT we shouldn’t let all that overshadow the fact that the group of attackers, resembling something out of a hokey gothic b-film, were donned in skeletal masks and fresh tattoos to match the all-too familiar snake tattoo seen on Voldemort's forearm. Guys. Cheap Halloween masks and matching BFF tattoos!

[laughing]

SIRIUS : I’m [laughing] - I’m so sorry to laugh, because it’s truly a horrifying situation, but. Can you imagine the level of crazy one must be to go in on something like that?

JAMES : No. 

REMUS : And to think they probably thought they looked - fuckin’ - badass. 

PETER : Oh, they definitely did. 

JAMES : Yeah, for sure. 

SIRIUS : I always thought the four of us should get matching tattoos, but um… now I’m not so sure. 

JAMES : Yeah, it, um. Now it just looks fucking tacky. 

SIRIUS : It does, yeah. It does. 

JAMES : BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! When asked about his box-office-disaster horror ensemble, Voldemort was straight up like yeah, that’s my crew - affectionately referring to them as his “Death Eaters”...

SIRIUS : Yikes . 

REMUS : Fucking yikes. 

PETER : Yeah there's a clip of him and he, like, doesn’t even miss a beat - he’s just like, yeah those are my boys. 

SIRIUS : I’m… embarrassed for all of them. Everyone involved. 

REMUS : I mean, when I join a nationalist cult I always like to make sure I’m gonna get a sweet nickname and a flashy costume. It’s a non-negotiable for me - I’ve gotta have both. 

SIRIUS : “Death Eaters” is soooo cringey. Like. It sounds like something that should be bedazzled on a jean jacket. 

JAMES : If you squint hard enough there is good news to be found here - and that is, the media is all over this. The Daily Prophet, the Quibbler, every newspaper - the pictures of the Death Eaters and Voldemort are on every front page, everyone is talking about it - this is an all hands on deck situation if there ever was one. 

PETER : Yeah, it’s everywhere. And it’s not good coverage for them. 

REMUS : I mean, look - is it funny that they call themselves Death Eaters and dress up like Ed Wood knockoffs? Of course it is - they look like fucking doofuses. But it really is a stark example of just how much of a psychopath Voldemort is and the lengths his minions are willing to go for him. I mean, it’s abundantly clear that there are plenty of wizards who have drank the cool-aid and will do literally anything, no matter how disturbing, for their nefarious leader and it’s, uh, it’s very concerning.

SIRIUS : Yeah it’s, um - it’s pretty obvious now that it’s no longer an issue strictly between purebloods and those who aren't - it’s an issue that affects everybody. Voldemort’s status is permission for people to give in to their absolute worst impulses as human beings. The fact that they attacked just like random muggles is pretty telling. This is a disturbed man, and his followers are just as unhinged as he is.

REMUS : Yeah - that tells you all you need to know. He's vile. They’re all vile. 

PETER : And thankfully it’s finally starting to break through the media that way - that these are deeply troubled people and they are a threat to themselves and society at large. 

SIRIUS: I mean, maybe in a different time and place this approach would have worked for them - the “Dark Marks,” as they’re called, and the gothic regalia, the attacks - but ah, right here, right now - they just look… mentally unwell. 

JAMES : Seriously. Hopefully this is a turning point, as the wizarding community are starting to see that. 

PETER : I think it will be, honestly. 

SIRIUS : Like… they literally have no one to blame but themselves here. Because - in an alternative scenario, they could have attempted to make their whole, like, twisted ideology more mainstream - more palatable to a mass audience. And it totally could’ve worked! They could’ve, you know, cleaned up a bit - thrown on some khakis and a golf shirt instead - to hide that there was something much more insidious at play, as they slowly gathered more followers and policy-making power. BUT NO! They just fucking outed themselves as the steaming piles of human garbage that they are and revealed that they really are just a bunch of dumb-dumbs with wands and spooky garb who have no reservations about carrying out acts of violence on the innocent. 

REMUS : Yeah, they’re fucking idiots. 

JAMES : Yeah. I don’t know, this was a big week and there’s just so much to unpack, it’s impossible to get through all the layers. I wanna give everyone some time to bang their heads against the wall for a second. 

PETER : So tragic, with the loss of innocent lives, but also just like… fucking bonkers. 

JAMES : I mean, Jesus. Every story these days is like one part awful, terror - the other part is like WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. 

REMUS : Sounds about right. 

SIRIUS : Look, I don’t think we need to get into it any more than that. I mean, the writing’s on the wall. You’ve already heard and seen everything you need to know. There’s nothing else we need to tell you. 

PETER : It’s all over the news. You’ve already know the story by now. If you haven’t made up your mind by now, what are you waiting for. 

JAMES : So one question we’ve gotten a lot just in the last week is - what can we do about it from within the walls of Hogwarts? Remus, what do you think?

REMUS : Look, I don’t think we can overstate how incredibly important this moment is. We are on the precipice of a terrible new reality that is too dangerous to even comprehend, so we each have a duty to do everything in our power to stop these fucking madmen from brainwashing anyone else. The most important thing we can do is just talk to people - get the word out, vocally and enthusiastically support your non-pureblood friends and those who are outspoken against Voldemort, have conversations about this with your family, and if you want to go the extra mile you can always reach out to the witches and wizards who represent you in the Ministry of Magic. 

JAMES : Right. And we’re also talking about holding a rally - want to elaborate on that, Pete?

PETER : Yeah, so we’re working with the powers that be, aka Dumbledore, to get permission to host a rally here on Hogwarts grounds, so if you’re interested, we’ve started a sign-up sheet near the Gryffindor common room and if we get enough support I think we should be able to get an event going. So make sure to sign up if you’re interested and we’ll keep you posted. 

JAMES : We need all the support we can get. 

PETER : Oh, and speaking of which - if you’re interested in helping out, make sure to check by your name that you’d like to volunteer and we’ll contact you. 

JAMES : Yes - we can’t do this alone and appreciate everyone who’s already reached out asking how they can help. Thanks guys. So yeah. I mean, I’m kinda with Sirius on this one. I don’t think there’s much else to say. My heart just goes out to everyone personally affected by this and the fear that many people are feeling right now. 

SIRIUS : I mean, yeah - I can’t get over how fucking goofy those Death Eaters looked - my god . But. All jokes aside, we’re here for you. We see you. Your fears are valid. And we will do everything we can to support you. 

REMUS : That was really beautiful, Sirius. 

SIRIUS : Thank you, Moony. It was genuine. 

REMUS : I could tell.

JAMES : Bro, I think you’re making Moony swoon. 

SIRIUS : Good. It’s about time. 

PETER : Seriously, though. If anyone is struggling right now, know that we’re here for you. And the best thing we can do from here is to come together and make it clear that enough is enough. 

REMUS : This psychopath has gone too far. And we will stop at nothing to take him down. Nothing. 

JAMES : We’re all in this together. So let’s just leave it at that today cause I think we all need some time to fully process the state of things right now. 

PETER : And with everything going on, we somehow still spent more time talking about fanfiction. Jesus Christ. 

[laughing]

JAMES : You know what - we gotta lighten it up. Things are fucking heavy right now. We’re all just trying to get by, when it feels like the world as we know it is collapsing around us. We need fanfiction now more than ever.

SIRIUS : Also - fuck you, Pettigrew. Our fanfiction is amazing and if you truly loved me you would hype up Moony and I getting freaky with each other. 

REMUS : [laughing]

PETER : You are something else, Padfoot. But I do love you, you son of a bitch -

SIRIUS : Accurate. 

PETER : - so I’ll hype you up. 

SIRIUS : Thanks, man. 

PETER : But I’m still not reading it. 

REMUS : Probably better that you don’t, Pete. 

SIRIUS : Come here. Bring it in for a hug. 

PETER : [sigh] Fine. 

JAMES : This is probably the weirdest heart-to-heart I’ve ever witnessed. 

REMUS : Without a doubt. There’s no question. 

JAMES : Especially between these two. 

REMUS : Strange days. 

JAMES : For real. With that, we’ll, uh… we’ll be back next week!

REMUS : See ya. 

PETER : [muffled] You’re crushing me. 

SIRIUS : Bye!

—————

[music]

—————

Chapter Text

—————

[music]

—————

JAMES: Okay, I don’t know where the hell Sirius is, but we’re starting without him. Welcome to Pod Save Hogwarts! I’m James Potter. 

PETER: I’m Peter Pettigrew. 

REMUS: I’m Remus Lupin. 

JAMES: Some housekeeping notes - MU-MU-MU-MERCH ALERT!

PETER: [mimics air horn]

JAMES: You heard it here, people! We are finally dropping a new line of Pod Save Hogwarts merch! We’ve got apparel, we’ve got goods. We’ve - got - it - all. 

PETER: Do you have temporary tattoos?

JAMES: YUP. 

REMUS: Do you have a tiny sweater I could put on my owl?

JAMES: YUP. 

PETER: Do you have multiple collections?

JAMES: YUP. We’ve got your basic PSH swag, “Voldemort Sucks” gear, AND we’ve got a special Moonshine line. We’ve got it all, baby. Show your support for your favorite podcast and look fly as hell. PLUS, all proceeds go to the Wizarding Civil Liberties Union!

PETER: All the more reason to stock up. 

JAMES: Fuck yeah. We’ve got a traveling little merch pop-up you may see around the castle, but if you don’t you can almost always find one of us milling around and we’ll get you hooked up. 

PETER: We got what you need. 

JAMES: We’ll coordinate a, uh, transaction. 

REMUS: This sounds like an illegal operation, but it’s not. 

PETER: I’m wearing my new PSH hoodie right now and it is so comfy and stylish. I love it. 

REMUS: I’m wearing my “Voldemort Sucks” crewneck sweatshirt and sipping coffee out of my PSH mug. Cheers. 

JAMES: You guys are looking sharp! And I’m staying hydrated with my PSH water bottle and wearing my Moonshine logo T-shirt - original art cred to Mary fucking Macdonald - and it looks freaking awesome. 

REMUS: Mary did amazing. 

JAMES: Dude. 

PETER: It really captures the essence of you two. 

JAMES: I literally shed a tear when she showed me the initial sketch. I was - fucking - blown away. She is incredibly talented. See for yourselves. Check out her work. She’s fantastic. But yeah, the little icon she came up with is incredible. 

REMUS: I was, uh, slightly apprehensive about the whole thing, but she knocked it right out of the park. So impressive. 

PETER: Even Padfoot was speechless when he saw it - which is saying something. 

JAMES: Bro. He, like, froze up. 

PETER: It was actually kind of eerie. He was like. Really quiet. I’ve never seen him act like that. 

JAMES: I mean, he doesn’t talk all the time, certainly, but yeah. He was stunned. 

REMUS: Okay you guys are overreacting. He was just really impressed with Mary’s work. And I mean, same. No big deal. 

JAMES: If you say so, Moony. Speak of the devil -

SIRIUS: [distant] Sorry, guys. I’m here. 

JAMES: Where’s your merch? Uh - what the fuck? What are you wearing, dude?

SIRIUS: [into mic] What? Oh, these?

PETER: Since when do you wear glasses?

JAMES: You don’t need glasses. 

SIRIUS: They’re just some reading spectacles I picked up. 

JAMES: Reading spectacles? The fuck?

REMUS: Okay, but like. What’s going on here, in this general area?

PETER: Are you wearing a sweater vest?

SIRIUS: No, Pete, it’s lingerie. Yes it’s a sweater vest. 

JAMES: I’m so confused. A tattered sweater vest, a collared shirt… are those brown trousers? Brown? Bro. Why do you look like a librarian?

SIRIUS: Because I fucking wanted to. Jesus, get off my back. 

PETER: We were all supposed to wear our merch today. 

SIRIUS: What are you, the Pod police? Settle down, sheriff, I’ve got my PSH book bag right here.

JAMES: This is - a very jarring experience. 

PETER: You look ridiculous. 

JAMES: Moony, what do you think?

REMUS: Of what?

JAMES: Of what? Look at the guy!

PETER: He looks like he raided your closet, Moony. 

REMUS: Ouch. Even I’m not claiming that sweater vest. 

SIRIUS: Listen. Guys. It’s not a big deal. I’m just trying to present myself in a more, you know, mature and sophisticated way. 

PETER: Mature and sophisticated? Are you high?

JAMES: WHO ARE YOU?

PETER: This is freaking me out. 

JAMES: Moony, you’re being awfully quiet over there. Cmon, man, back us up. 

REMUS: Hey, I’m just trying to wrap my head around this, too. Did you lose a bet or something?

[laughing]

JAMES: Did you take a bludger to the head?

PETER: Are you dressed like this against your will?

REMUS: Blink twice if you’re in danger. 

[laughing]

SIRIUS: Alright, you know what? If you’re not going to take me seriously then I’m just going to go. I have more important things to do anyway, like studying. 

JAMES: [chokes on water] 

PETER: I’m sorry, what did you just say?

JAMES: WHAT IS GOING ON?

REMUS: Since when do you study?

SIRIUS: That’s it. I’m out of here. 

PETER: Holy shit, I think he’s serious. 

JAMES: Are you actually ditching us to go… study?

SIRIUS: Look, you guys are important to me, but so is -

REMUS: Oh my god -

JAMES: What?

REMUS: - are you…?

JAMES: What? 

REMUS: You are, aren’t you?

JAMES: WHAT? Help make this make sense!

SIRIUS: I am what? I don’t know what you’re talking about, Moony. This is just who I am now. 

REMUS: You’re pulling a Danny Zuko. 

PETER: A what?

JAMES: Who’s Danny Zuko?

SIRIUS: [scoffs] No. You’re crazy. 

REMUS: We watched that muggle movie Grease a few days ago. This is exactly what happens at the end. The bad boy changes his look at the end to get the good girl. 

JAMES: Ohhhh, I’ve actually heard of that one!

PETER: Who are you trying to pull, Sirius?

JAMES: Moony, obviously!

REMUS: Jesus. 

JAMES: Sit back down, idiot. 

SIRIUS: Okay, FINE. Yes. I’m trying to impress Moony. 

REMUS: [heavy sigh]

SIRIUS: Is it working?

JAMES: I mean, he does look sexy in those glasses, doesn’t he, Moony?

REMUS: That was a dumb fucking movie with a terrible message. People shouldn’t have to change for each other. If you truly love someone you should love them exactly the way they are. God. 

PETER: Tell us how you really feel, Moony. 

REMUS: It was literally the worst movie I’ve ever seen. And those actors were like forty fucking years old, playing high schoolers. 

JAMES: Wow. He’s got some strong opinions. 

REMUS: You do look sexy in those glasses though. 

[high five sound]

REMUS: I prefer you in a leather jacket, but we could definitely work with this in like a role playing situation. 

SIRIUS: Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Yeah. And you can wear my leather jacket. 

JAMES: Shit Moony, you’d look smokin’ in that jacket. 

SIRIUS: And my boots. 

REMUS: [close to the mic] And nothing else. 

[laughing]

PETER: The Moonshine fans are screaming. 

JAMES: I can literally hear the fanfiction being written. 

SIRIUS: Don’t threaten me with a good time, Moony. Fucking hell. 

JAMES: Even I wouldn’t mind being a fly on the wall for that. 

REMUS: You want in? I’m good at sharing my toys. 

SIRIUS: Moony. 

JAMES: [laughing] Fuck. 

SIRIUS: [moaning]

JAMES: I’m so sorry, Lily!

REMUS: She can join, too. 

SIRIUS: Fanfiction intensifies.

PETER: Should I leave?

REMUS: Probably. 

SIRIUS: Yes. 

JAMES: We’re kidding, Pete!

SIRIUS: I’m not. 

JAMES: About Peter leaving or our orgy?

SIRIUS: Either.

[laughing]

JAMES: Oh we got a message from Lily. She says you guys need to watch Grease 2. Apparently it’s a cult classic. She says you guys will like that one more. 

REMUS: If it’s anything like the original it’s gonna be dumb as shit and I won’t like it.

PETER: Wait, how does she know we’re talking about Grease? This isn’t live… 

JAMES: Damn good question, Pete… 

SIRIUS: Oh shit, she bugged the place! Clever girl. 

JAMES: She says Grease 2 has something for everyone, with a motorcycle emoji and a guy with a book emoji. She also says it’s corny as fuck but the music is lit. 

SIRIUS: Sold. I’m in. 

REMUS: If Lily says I’ll like it, I’ll give it a chance - but I have strong reservations. 

JAMES: Atta boy. 

PETER: I expect a full report next week. 

JAMES: She also says she'll never tell how she knows what we’re talking about. 

PETER: Probably in cahoots with Moony. 

REMUS: Don’t look at me, dude. 

SIRIUS: Did she, uh, happen to mention the orgy?

[laughing]

JAMES: Weirdly no. 

SIRIUS: Bummer. 

REMUS: Keep your chin up, sweetheart. It’s probably up for negotiation. 

SIRIUS: Can you call me sweetheart again?

REMUS: What, sweetheart?

SIRIUS: I’m swooning. 

JAMES: Now she says she wants to watch the movie with us. Movie night tonight?

SIRIUS: I’m down. 

REMUS: Yeah, alright.

PETER: Can’t. I’m meeting with my Potions study group. 

SIRIUS: Tell them you’re sick. 

PETER: You… know they’re gonna hear this when it airs, right?

SIRIUS: Yeah but by then it’ll be too late, so who cares?

PETER: Rude. 

SIRIUS: Whatever. Fine. Don’t hang with us. Your loss. 

PETER: I don’t think I’ll lose any sleep from missing out on Grease 2. 

SIRIUS: It might be the best movie you’ve ever seen. But you’ll never know. Cause you were too good for us.

PETER: That's a risk I’m willing to take. Sounds like a double date, anyways. God only knows where the night might take you.  

SIRIUS: [imitates porno music]

REMUS: Pete, you know there’s always room for one more. 

PETER: Dear god, don’t wink at me like that. 

[laughing]

PETER: Y’all read too much fanfiction. 

SIRIUS: Never. No such thing. 

REMUS: Alright. Sirius, you need to take those stupid fucking glasses off. 

SIRIUS: Why, am I distracting you?

REMUS: Yes. It’s annoying. 

SIRIUS: Danny Zuko, you brilliant bastard. 

PETER: Can you even see in those things?

SIRIUS: Very little, but it’s a small price to pay to get Moony’s attention. And his reaction is well worth it. 

REMUS: It’s working a little too well. Take them off. 

SIRIUS: But - 

REMUS: Now. 

SIRIUS: Jesus Christ, okay! Use that dominating tone and I’ll take off whatever you want me to. Christ almighty. There, better?

REMUS: Good boy. 

SIRIUS: [groans]

JAMES: Well there’s a kink I didn’t need to know about!

SIRIUS: Trust me… that was a, um… surprise to me as well. Just now. 

PETER: Jesus. You guys need to come with an X rating. 

SIRIUS: Technically, Moony already does. 

JAMES: You guys are exhausting to be around. 

PETER: What, you think you and Lily are any better?

JAMES: We’re not nearly as suggestive as these two!

SIRIUS: We’re just too spicy. Too hot to handle. 

REMUS: Hey here’s a completely unrelated question to quickly change the subject: how was the quidditch match this week?

SIRIUS: OH YEAH HOW WAS THE QUIDDITCH MATCH JAMES?

JAMES: WELL… One of our best players, Sirius Black, broke the Gryffindor house record for blocks in a single game!

[clapping and cheering]

SIRIUS: WHAT? AMAZING!

JAMES: Hell yeah! Broke a freaking record! I can’t get over it!

PETER: Between the fanfiction and the quidditch match, Sirius has been in his prime this week. 

JAMES: Ixnay on the anfictionfay. 

PETER: Actually, both Prongs and Padfoot have both been insufferable. I’ve spent as little time in the dorm as possible. The energy is just too much. 

JAMES: Hey. It’s been a pretty fucking momentous week and my boy deserves celebration!

SIRIUS: Yeah, Peter!

REMUS: It’s the PSH Sirius Black Celebration Special. 

JAMES: Boom. That’s that’s the episode title, right there. 

SIRIUS: Should be the title of every episode, to be honest. 

JAMES: Listen, that game was incredible. I don’t know what it was, but Sirius was on fucking fire last week!

SIRIUS: Moony was in the stands and I was trying to impress him. 

REMUS: I mean - I know nothing about quidditch but it looked impressive. Also, stop trying to impress me. 

SIRIUS: Never. 

JAMES: See, I don’t understand that. Your two best friends are quidditch experts. Padfoot and I can sometimes spend literally hours talking about quidditch in the room we all share. You’d think by now you’d know everything there is to know about quidditch!

REMUS: I do this thing called tuning out and it works wonders. 

JAMES: You mystify me, Moony. Anyways. Sirius was a fucking machine and if that’s what happens when you come to watch - then, my friend, you need to come to every game. 

REMUS: I’ll consider it. 

JAMES: I will literally tie you up and drag you there myself, if I have to. 

PETER: Kinky. 

SIRIUS: I VOLUNTEER TO DO THAT JOB. 

REMUS: Alright, settle down. I’ll get there myself, thank you very much. 

SIRIUS: Fine. 

REMUS: And you can tie me up after the match. 

SIRIUS: DEAL. 

PETER: The season is almost over, right? How many matches do you have left?

JAMES: Two regular season games, then house cup finals. If Sirius continues to play the way he did, we’ve got the win in the bag. I mean, seriously guys. He shattered the record. A historic win for Gryffindor. 

PETER: He was like a fuckin energizer bunny. 

JAMES: Seriously. So scrappy. An absolutely breathtaking performance. 

SIRIUS: Alright, that’s enough about my performance. I’m feeling a lot of pressure now. My celebrity status is starting to feel crushing. 

REMUS: Yeah, right. Don’t fucking lie. You can’t get enough. That shit fuels you. 

SIRIUS: Moony. How dare you. Even I have my limits. 

REMUS: Sounds fake, but okay. 

JAMES: Now is not the time to feign modesty, Padfoot. You’ve earned it!

SIRIUS: Okay, fine! Tell me how wonderful I am!

PETER: You really did have a phenomenal game. I mean, you literally had save after save after save. I was exhausted just watching. 

JAMES: Epic. Simply epic. 

[silence]

REMUS: What? Don’t look at me like that. I already told you it looked impressive. What more do you want from me?

SIRIUS: I don’t know, “You played amazing,” “you looked super sexy on your broom,” something along those lines.

REMUS: You’re a Keeper. 

[silence]

JAMES: Oof. 

[laughing]

REMUS: Sorry. 

[laughing]

SIRIUS: That was… not what I was looking for. 

[laughing]

JAMES: To be fair, if you’re looking for a kiss-ass, Moony is not your person. DON’T… 

SIRIUS: I am biting my tongue so hard right now, I swear to god… 

[laughing]

SIRIUS: You can’t just pepper in words like “Moony” and “kiss-ass” and expect my brain to not go haywire!

[laughing]

SIRIUS: I’m only a simple man!

[laughing]

PETER: Oh god, here we go again. Can’t we talk about anything else? It’s always either sex or quidditch. 

SIRIUS: How about sex and quidditch?

[laughing]

SIRIUS: Now that’d be something. 

PETER: You never stop, do you?

SIRIUS: Listen, I’m not gonna sugarcoat it: I’m an 18 year old male Hogwarts student. 9 out of 10 times, I’m thinking about one of those two things. Sue me. 

[laughing]

JAMES: I’m sorry. But he’s got a point. 

PETER: You're not sorry. 

JAMES: You're right, I’m not. Facts are facts. 

SIRIUS: Don’t sound so pretentious, Pettigrew. You’re not above all that. You and I are the same. Don’t act like you haven’t thought about when you can squeeze in your next quickie in the Ravenclaw bathrooms with your little girlfriend at least once within the last five minutes, cause I know you have!

PETER: Out of line!

SIRIUS: We’re men! Accept it!

PETER: You're an animal. All of you. Apparently I’m the only civilized one here. 

SIRIUS: You're delusional. You’re sick, they’re sick, we’re all sick. Christ, how can anyone wear this shit all day long? My balls are sweating. God damn. 

[laughing]

REMUS: You’re just getting yourself hot and bothered talking about sex and quidditch. 

PETER: Seriously. 

JAMES: [laughing] Take that sweater vest off, then, you dingus. 

SIRIUS: [muffled] Yeah - that’s obviously what I’m doing, Prongs. 

REMUS: Yeah baby, take it off.

JAMES: Woo! Strip tease!

SIRIUS: Don’t tempt me. You know I’d fuckin do it. But Peter’s brain might actually explode, so… 

[laughing]

SIRIUS: What?! I’m legitimately concerned!

JAMES: Oh, you know what? I’ve got some extra merch in my bag - let me see if I’ve got a T-shirt in here you can throw on… 

PETER: That was actually a pretty disgusting thing to say on our podcast, Padfoot. No one wants to hear about your sweaty ballsack. 

SIRIUS: Well. Men are crude, vile creatures. It’s time you learned that, Wormy. 

PETER: It is honestly shocking to me how many people have shown interest in this podcast. It’s trash. We are trash. 

SIRIUS: Hey. We are interesting as fuck. 

JAMES: The people asked and we delivered. 

PETER: Correction: no one asked. 

SIRIUS: Peter, I’m sorry you don’t understand what it feels like to be adored by everyone you meet and have people hang on your every word, but this is Prongs and I’s reality. We are bestowing a gift to the world with this podcast. 

PETER: It’s incredible to me that you are able to fit your head through a doorframe. I mean that with all sincerity. And that goes for you too, James. 

JAMES: [laughing] That’s fair. Here dude -

SIRIUS: Jesus - what…? This is an XXL.

JAMES: It’s that or a hoodie. Sorry. Slim pickings. 

SIRIUS: I’d rather be naked. 

PETER: Please don’t. 

SIRIUS: Fine. Let me just slowly unbutton my shirt while making aggressive eye contact with Moony. 

[laughing]

SIRIUS: Don’t look away from me, Moony. Feast your eyes. Drink it in. This could all be yours. 

REMUS: You are seriously so arrogant. My god. 

[laughing]

JAMES: I’m torn between feeling deeply uncomfortable and mildly turned on by whatever’s going on here. 

[laughing]

PETER: That’s it. [clattering]

JAMES: [laughing hysterically] Peter just fucking walked out!

[laughing]

JAMES: He just fuckin took off!

[laughter]

REMUS: Fuck it - [sound of zipper unzipping]

JAMES: Oh my god! Moony! Stop! [laughing hysterically] Jesus!

[uncontrollable laughter]

JAMES: OKAY. Put the damn shirt on, you maniac! Or I swear to god… [catching breath] Moony - behave. 

SIRIUS: You’re a real fuckin buzzkill, Prongs, you know that, right?

JAMES: [laughing] I have no problem with that.

SIRIUS: Greatest moment of my life and I’m getting - fucking - cock blocked by my own best friend. 

REMUS: During his own celebration special!

SIRIUS: Yeah! During my own celebration special! The audacity. 

JAMES: And I’ll do it again - don’t test me. 

SIRIUS: Sweet Jesus, look - look at this… I went from a 10 to a 2 in 0.5 seconds. I look like a goddamn child. I’m swimming in this thing. 

[laughing]

JAMES: PETE! THE COAST IS CLEAR!

SIRIUS: My ego really took a nosedive just now. Stop smirking at me, Moony. I’m hurt. 

REMUS: [chuckling] I’m not doing anything. 

JAMES: Lily texted - let’s see… “Now kiss.” [laughing] 

SIRIUS: You’d like that, wouldn't you, Evans?

JAMES: Lily is the Moonshine fans right now. 

REMUS: We’re gonna get banned from airing this. 

JAMES: That might not be a bad thing. But I think as long as we have an ‘explicit’ warning, we’re fine. 

[clattering] 

JAMES: You should be glad you left when you did, man. Shit. Things went off the fuckin rails here for a minute. 

PETER: [into mic] I don’t even want to know. 

SIRIUS: WELL, I was seductively removing my shirt when Moony reached into his pants -

PETER: Dear god in heaven - say no more. 

[laughing]

PETER: You guys are making my head spin. 

JAMES: It’s really messing with my brain, too. 

SIRIUS: Does anyone know any like alteration spells? There’s gotta be a way to make this - fucking - tent work for me. 

JAMES: No, sorry man. 

SIRIUS: Someone has to know. 

PETER: Don’t think so. 

REMUS: If I did I wouldn’t tell you. 

SIRIUS: Cruel. 

PETER: Something tells me we’re not gonna talk much politics today. 

JAMES: What time is it? Shit. Yeah, we’re, uh - literally almost out of time already. [laughing] We have to fit in an ad. Okay we’re gonna take a quick break and then we’ll try to focus for a few minutes on the news. So if you’re still with us…  [laughing] - yikes - stick around. 

—————

[music]

—————

JAMES: This episode of PSH is brought to you by Quality Quidditch Supplies! Guys. I don’t even need to try - this is straight up my favorite store. Hands down. It’s honestly my happy place. 

SIRIUS: It’s pretty great.

JAMES: I was so excited when they reached out cause honestly I’m a huge fan. 

SIRIUS: Same. Same. I, uh - I like to think of myself as a connoisseur of quidditch supplies -

JAMES: Me, too. 

SIRIUS: - and I can tell you with certainty - [rushed] unless any other quidditch supply stores sponsor us down the road -

[laughing]

SIRIUS: - that, ah - that Quality Quidditch Supplies is the best. 

[laughing]

JAMES: Agreed. And do you know why that is?

SIRIUS: Because we need money and don’t want to scare away potential partners?

JAMES: No - [laughing] do you know why Quality Quidditch Supplies is the best?

SIRIUS: Oh. No. But I bet you’re gonna tell me. 

JAMES: It’s because they love quidditch as much as we do! And they put their heart and soul into providing the best products to witches and wizards, whether they play in a professional league or they’re just learning to play. 

SIRIUS: So you’re telling me it’s because they care?

JAMES: Exactly! And to prove it, they offer a 90-day 100% money back guarantee if your new supplies don’t work for you. 

SIRIUS: I always really appreciated that, because, like - sure, I can try on my equipment in the store and feel the quality of the products in my hand - but it’s not like I can go zippin around on my broom in the store -

JAMES: Right. 

SIRIUS: - so I won’t really know how it’ll work out until I’m actually, you know, out playing. 

JAMES: For sure. And they get that! They know you’ve gotta get a feel for it first, because they’re quidditch fanatics, too, and truly want quidditch players to live up to their best potential. 

SIRIUS: Here’s a story, if you’re interested… 

JAMES: I am! Please share!

SIRIUS: Well. When I was just a wee lad, I found my dad’s old quidditch gear from when he played in school. It was kept in, fuckin, pristine condition - our house elves must have polished and washed that shit daily - which, cmon, what a waste - but anyway. I put it all on and challenged my cousins to a match. But as soon as I hopped on that broom, I, uh… I knew I had made an unwise decision. 

JAMES: Uh oh. What happened?

SIRIUS: It didn’t fit me. Like, at all. It was too heavy for me, too long, it just wasn’t suitable for my size. So, um… yeah, I fell off like two dozen times and got my ass beat. 

[laughing]

SIRIUS: It was pathetic. So. Let this be a cautionary tale to leave it to the experts at Quality Quidditch Supplies to help you find products tailored to your needs.

JAMES: Absolutely. I got my very first broom from them and I’ve been going back ever since. 

SIRIUS: Same… God, we sound privileged. 

JAMES: Yeah we do. 

SIRIUS: It’s kind of embarrassing. Let’s wrap this up. 

JAMES: Right, yeah. You can find Quality Quidditch Supplies on the north side of Diagon Alley -

SIRIUS: There’s an apothecary vendor, like, right in front of QQS and they always harass you into trying their creams. 

[laughing]

JAMES: Oh my god, you’re right!

SIRIUS: Watch out for them. Those salespeople are fucking ruthless. 

JAMES: You really gotta dodge them. 

SIRIUS: It’s no fuckin joke. 

JAMES: And to sweeten the deal, Quality Quidditch Supplies is offering PSH listeners 10% off when you tell them we sent you!

SIRIUS: Listen. Here’s my one request: if you use my name, just make it, like, really cool, you know what I mean? Like, lean over the counter and whisper so the clerk can barely hear you. 

[laughing]

SIRIUS: Like, [whispering] “Sirius sent me.”

[laughing]

SIRIUS: I want some drama. 

JAMES: You always do. So head to Quality Quidditch Supplies and step up your game today!

—————

[music]

—————

JAMES: Okay, so we’ve got, like, five minutes.

[laughing] 

SIRIUS: [snorts] It’s ok, I -

JAMES: And no more crude jokes! Sirius -

SIRIUS: What?!

JAMES: I see the manic look in your eyes -

SIRIUS: I was just gonna say I can finish in 3!

[laughter]

SIRIUS: That’s all!

JAMES: [laughing] I’m literally gonna kick you out. One more inappropriate outburst and I will suspend you from the Pod for a week. I’ll fucking do it. 

SIRIUS: Alright, Jesus, don’t get your panties in a bunch. I’ll be on my best behavior. 

REMUS: Keep in mind, his best behavior is still poor behavior -

JAMES: God, if that ain’t true.

REMUS: - so keep your expectations low. 

PETER: Don’t worry, we always do. 

SIRIUS: Can I just say one more thing?

JAMES: No -

SIRIUS: It’s not explicit, I promise. 

JAMES: Okay fine. What?

SIRIUS: I just think it’s… I love that the first episode we spent like a good chunk of time, like half the episode, talking about the news. And then last week it was like, eh, cut that first amount in half - it’s fine. And now it’s like, “you assholes have five minutes.”

[laughing]

REMUS: At this rate, we’ll get 30 seconds next week. 

[laughing]

PETER: If that. 

SIRIUS: Anyways. Sorry, James - continue. 

JAMES: I do actually feel really bad about it, because like there are people that are here for the current events, and not the crass content we’ve been dishing out in endless supply. 

SIRIUS: But, there are people strictly here for the crass content, and they are living. 

[laughing]

SIRIUS: They are thriving. 

PETER: Are there, though?

REMUS: Undoubtedly. 

JAMES: Yes. 

SIRIUS: 100%

JAMES: Yeah. So at least those people don’t hate us!

SIRIUS: You know what? I don’t feel bad. There are smarter people out there that can talk about the news a lot more eloquently than us. I mean, Moony and Wormtail sound like they could be leading a seminar on magical/muggle relations, but I sure as hell don’t, and god knows neither James nor I can go very long without talking about ourselves -

[laughing]

SIRIUS: - so, this is what you get and if you want something better… I dunno, go fucking find it yourself. 

[laughing]

REMUS: You know -

SIRIUS: It’s not like there’s a lack of resources, if you want a dedicated news source - that’s all I’m saying. 

REMUS: - I actually think both you and James speak very eloquently when you focus. You’re selling yourself short. 

JAMES: Gee, thanks Moony! We may not be the best, but we are the most fun. 

PETER: I feel like we could reign it in a teensy bit, though. 

SIRIUS: Ehhh… 

JAMES: Yes. 

REMUS: Maybe. 

JAMES: Definitely. Okay before we lose any more time, let’s talk about the fallout of the muggle attack. Ten days later and we still haven’t had a briefing from the Ministry of Magic, but luckily we have had some great in-depth reporting and thankfully arrests have started being made! Aurors with the Ministry of Magic, with the help of private Aurors and investigators, have done some incredible work over the last week or so piecing together the fragments of clues left behind from the attack and a number of notable pureblood wizards have been detained and are awaiting trial.

PETER: Thank god. 

JAMES: When questioned, the offenders have been mostly silent on the matter, but underground reports have described a sense of pride among ultra-traditionalists whose support of Voldemort has been unwavering and they have had no reservations attributing Voldemort to the attack. One supporter who authored an anonymous Opinion article in the Sunday Prophet, origins still unknown, expressed a clear message that Voldemort wanted his supporters to be there and to expect more attacks in the coming days.

REMUS: Chilling. 

JAMES: The Daily Prophet’s Chief Ministry Correspondent reported yesterday that the Ministry has beefed up their security, particularly at the Ministry of Magic -

SIRIUS: It’s guarded like a fortress. 

JAMES: - with a patchwork of security services for extra protection and investigators are gathering evidence to hopefully convict Voldemort for willfully inciting violence against muggles. [exhale] A lot to unpack here. Pete, let’s start with you - initial thoughts?

PETER: I’m still shocked - I shouldn’t be, but I am - that we still haven’t gotten a press briefing from the Ministry about the attack. 

JAMES: Agreed. 

PETER: I’m pleased with how quickly arrests have been being made, but the silence is deafening. That’s what’s jumped out at me the most. 

JAMES: Yeah. Moony? What about you?

REMUS: I mean, look. I think our instinct here is to mock things that make us uncomfortable -

SIRIUS: [sarcastic] No… 

[chuckling]

REMUS: - so last week we were still reeling from the sight of those ludicrous costumes and nicknames - which, I think is still valid - but our dark sense of  humor shouldn’t obscure the risk presented here. Thankfully this mob of terrorists are turning out to be not the smartest people, but it could have ended up so much worse had it not been for some lazy mistakes and some quick work by a few dedicated Aurors and investigators.

SIRIUS: It really is chilling how close we could be to seeing more attacks or hostage situations or the Ministry burning to the ground, if it weren’t for skilled Ministry professionals and the inability of some of the attackers to cover their tracks. 

REMUS: And we should act as if it’s still going to happen. We need real accountability and we need it fast, because if we don’t shut it down now, it’s not the end of something - it’s the beginning. 

SIRIUS: We need hearings under oath - ongoing investigations - to sort through the bureaucratic morass here. But most importantly we need to nip it in the bud before the Ministry itself is tainted with Death Eaters. 

JAMES: So true.

SIRIUS: Things are moving in the right direction, though. And from what I’ve read, the majority of witches and wizards are outraged by the attack and are supportive of efforts to shut the Death Eaters down. 

REMUS: Did you guys see that poll in the Daily Prophet this morning?

PETER: Oh yeah - wasn’t it like 80% of respondents strongly oppose Voldemort’s principles?!

JAMES: Yeah I think I read that. And like another 10% oppose his cause. 

REMUS: Yeah. 

SIRIUS: Good numbers. 

JAMES: Great numbers. 

SIRIUS: Very promising. 

PETER: But that’s only one piece of the puzzle. If there aren’t any consequences for Voldemort, he will continue to gain power. That’s why it’s so important he is held accountable. 

JAMES: Absolutely. 

SIRIUS: Get in there, Minister. Sick em. 

[laughing]

SIRIUS: But seriously, that’s the only option there is. It’s that, or war. 

JAMES: Yeah, it’s pretty binary at this point. You either support a violent psychopath or you don’t. There is no counter argument. 

REMUS: And even if, best case scenario, Voldemort is tried and convicted for his crimes, the political implications are still going to be felt for years to come. And it’s going to take a while to recover from all this. 

JAMES: Oh, for sure. Yeah, like - I don’t… I don’t think we're just gonna throw Voldemort in Azkaban and life will return to normal. There’s some serious shit we’re gonna have to work through with regard to blood status and magical, non-magical, and everything-in-between humans and creatures. 

PETER: And those who are affected most are likely to experience the impacts for generations. Honestly and truly. 

JAMES: No, yeah - definitely. Okay where are we at with time…? 

SIRIUS: In the negative. 

[laughing]

SIRIUS: We now owe everyone five minutes. 

JAMES: Yeah, we’re, like, super out of time. One last thing before we go - THANK YOU to everyone who has signed up to attend the rally or volunteer! The response has been overwhelming and we are so grateful to have students - and professors - from every Hogwarts house represented! Amazing!

REMUS: It really is amazing. I was shocked. 

PETER: I still am. 

JAMES: It really, ah, revived my faith in humanity!

SIRIUS: I mean. At this point if you haven’t signed up… I don’t know… it really says a lot about you, doesn’t it?

JAMES: Hey now - 

SIRIUS: Just sayin. Don’t think I haven’t noticed whose names aren’t on the list -

JAMES: Please, for the love of god, don’t call anyone out on here. I don’t want to be responsible for a smear campaign… Don’t pout. 

PETER: It’s not a good look. 

SIRIUS: You're not a good look. 

JAMES: More info to come on the rally, but we’re hoping to have some more solid plans to announce next week - so hang tight and keep getting the word out and showing your support. With that, I think we’re, uh… 

REMUS: I think that wraps up the Sirius Black Celebration Special. 

[laughing]

JAMES: Right!

PETER: The episode that never ends. 

JAMES: I’ve never been more desperate for an episode to end. It’s like the fucking Wild West in here. 

SIRIUS: I’m savoring every moment of it. Also I’m gonna burn this shirt when we’re done. 

PETER: Hey, that’s quality merch!

JAMES: Okay guys - we’re out!

PETER: See ya. 

REMUS: Bye. 

SIRIUS: Bye!

—————

[music]

—————