Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Oh, this is such a great idea.” Princess Tessa Magdalene Fitzherbert Der Sonne said, helping her twin brother, Prince Jonathan Otto Fitzherbert Der Sonne, climb on top of a large mattress perched at the top of the stairs. They were long names, but that was alright, because they always went by Jon and Tessa.

Tessa, as it happened, was incorrect, because this was a horrible idea.

“Do you think we need a helmet?” Jon asked, and Tessa paused for a moment before shaking her head.

“Nah, your head’s so hard it’ll probably split the wall if you hit it.” Tessa decided, leaning down behind the mattress.

“I’m going to take that as a compliment. Ready to go.” He nodded stoically, moving around so he was facing the downstairs.

Tessa knelt down behind the mattress. “Three, two, one-”

“You better not be doing what I think you’re doing.”

Tessa whirled around, her mind going temporarily blank when she saw her father, Captain Eugene Fitzherbert Der Sonne, staring at her critically, as if daring her to push Jon. “Dad!” Tessa stood up quickly, wringing her fingers nervously. “Uh…”

“We definitely weren’t going to ride a mattress down the stairs, if that’s what you’re wondering,” Jon said, looking just as embarrassed. “But if we were, who told you that?” He scowled. “Was it Addy?”

“What was Addy?” Princess Adelaide Xael Fitzherbert Der Sonne asked, peeking around the corner.

“Did you snitch on us?” Tessa asked, glaring at her younger sister.

“Addy didn’t say anything,” Eugene said. “I got suspicious when I noticed your mattress was missing. Jon, get off that mattress before you fall.”

Jon grumbled, but listened to his father. “How did you even get the mattress all the way down here without anyone noticing?” Eugene asked, trying not to look impressed.

“If we told you, it wouldn’t be a secret.” Tessa said.

“Well, here's a challenge. See it if you can get it back quicker than when you took it. And didn’t your mom tell you to clean up your room?” Eugene asked.

Tessa and Jon glanced at each other. “I’ll take that as a yes.” Eugene said.

“Hm, maybe we can try this with Uncle Lance, Angry, and Catalina.” Tessa mused, starting to drag the mattress.

“Not today,” Eugene said. “There’s guests today.”

“What?!” Jon looked surprised. “Since when? You didn’t tell us this.”

“Because you would play pranks on them if you knew they were coming. Now you don’t have time to prepare.” Adelaide said, reaching up to be carried by Eugene. He obliged, setting her on his shoulders. She was eight, but still quite small for her age.

“What?!” Tessa gasped, clutching at her heart. “How dare you!”

“Yeah! We’re a damn treat to be around!” Jon said.

“Please don’t say ‘damn’ in front of Addy. Addy, don’t say that word.” Eugene said, and Adelaide nodded, committing the minor swear to memory.

“Who’s the guest of honor anyway?” Jon asked.

“Some representatives from a commonwealth to the east,” Eugene said. “Now-”

“Are those the guys who we visited last spring? The ones who kept calling us Terry and Jim?!” Jon asked.

Adelaide made a face. “They kept talking to me like I was a baby.”

Tessa looked horrified. “You’re letting those guys in our house?! Are you crazy?!”

“And this is why I waited until the last minute to tell you,” Eugene mumbled. “Look, I know we weren’t the biggest fans of them when we visited, but your mom is still trying to figure out trade negotiations with them. So I want all of you to be on your best behavior. Especially you, Tess.”

“Why’re you singling me out?” Tessa asked defensively, as if she wasn’t the reason windup toys were no longer allowed in the castle.

“Best behavior,” Eugene repeated, setting Adelaide back down. “And don’t forget what I said about cleaning up your rooms. They look like a warzone.”

Little did he know, the castle was about to become one.

*** *** ***

It was obvious to anyone who looked that Jon and Tessa weren’t technically twins, though that hardly made a difference. Jon was rather pale, and covered with freckles as though someone had flicked a paintbrush at his face. His hair was bright red, and he had bright green eyes. Tessa had a much darker complexion, and thick, wavy black hair.

They had been abandoned within hours of each other on the steps of the same orphanage, and as such grew up together. By the time they were old enough to voice their opinions, they were inseparable, and by the time they were old enough to understand such things such as adoption and pessimism, resigned themselves to aging out before they were adopted.

So they were a bit shocked when the Crown Princess Rapunzel and her husband took a shine to them. As the twins understood it, there had been worry that Rapunzel would have the same issues her mother did with pregnancy, so they had elected to stay on the safe side.

Jon and Tessa had been wary at first, cynical at six years old already, half expecting the whole thing to be some kind of PR stunt. Duos didn’t get adopted, at least not for long.

But they stayed, and it was getting hard to keep up walls when Eugene and Rapunzel were genuinely so sincere. Rapunzel let Jon paint all over their bedroom walls, and helped him get to hard to reach places. Eugene taught Tessa how to pick a lock, nevermind that that sort of behavior was sometimes “illegal”. And Lance and his kids were fun, Varian always had fascinating gadgets that made noise, and-to Eugne’s slight chagrin-the twins thought Cassandra was the absolute coolest when she finally came around to visit.

Almost the second they were finally settled in, Rapunzel found out she was pregnant.

*** *** ***

“Alright,” Tessa said, pacing her and Jon’s partially cleaned room. “We don’t have much time. So we’re going to either need several tiny pranks, or we can do one big one. And I think I speak for both of us when I say we need one big one.”

“You’re really confident that I’m backing you up on this,” Jon said, crossing his arms. “Maybe I don’t want to get in trouble.”

“Yeah, Tessa, do you like being grounded or something?”

Tessa practically whirled around, scowling when she saw Adelaide peeking in from the cracked door. “Out!” She waved her arms. “Out, right now!”

“I already heard your plan,” Adelaide said in a sing-song voice, stepping in and closing the door behind her. “And I wanna help.”

Jon and Tessa glanced at each other, rather surprised. Adelaide huffed. “Those guys were annoying. I don’t need them to baby-talk me. I’m gonna be nine soon.”

“Hm,” Tessa said. “Well, you do add a level of innocence. No one expects you to be in on the plot…”

“I say we let her in.” Jon said.

“Just a second ago you told me I was on my own.” Tessa complained.

“That was before Addy wanted to help! I don’t wanna be the odd man out.” Jon said.

Tessa sighed, and then fixed Adelaide with a serious glare. “If you snitch, I’ll sell all your toys.”

Adelaide crossed her arms, a perfect picture of stubbornness. “So do you have an idea?”

“Oh, the better question is if I don’t have an idea.” Tessa said, ignoring Adelaide’s confused look. She grabbed a box under her bed, dragging it out. She opened it, dumping out old toys, and then ripped out the false bottom, revealing several brightly colored spheres.

“Are those-?!” Adelaide looked shocked.

“Mhm,” Tessa grinned. “Varian’s color smoke bombs. He gave them to us for our fourteenth birthday and Dad told us to get rid of them.”

“And we did,” Jon smiled. “Most of them.”

“Thing is, Varian always goes low on the exploding stuff with us. For some reason. These things make a little smoke, smell kinda fruity for some reason, and then that’s about it. So we gotta cut them open and place some of the powder in another bomb to give it some more oomph, you know?” Tessa said, carefully extracting two bombs. “What color, green or red?”

“Are you sure it’s a good idea to mix the powders?” Adelaide asked. “Varian’s stuff can be kinda dangerous. And green.”

“Good choice,” Tessa said, rifling around in the box. “And it’s fine. We’ve done this before.”

“What? When?” Adelaide asked.

“Um…” Tessa glanced at Jon, who shuffled.

“Okay, well,” He corrected. “We watched Varian do it. From a distance. But still! It’ll be fine. Varian wouldn’t give us anything that could kill us.”

“Exactly.” Tessa said, managing to find a small pocket knife. She made a careful slit along the length of the bomb, and dark powder with a green shimmer spilled out from it as though disemboweled. With a surprising amount of precision, she carefully gathered the powder up, beginning to pour it into a funnel to combine with another bomb.

Adelaide still looked doubtful, but didn’t say anything. “I don’t wanna get in trouble. It’s gonna be kinda obvious that we did something.”

“Here’s the beauty,” Tessa said. “They’ll know, but there’s no proof. Innocent until proven guilty, right? That’s Dad’s whole thing. So we just need to cover it up.”

“How? You can’t exactly cover up a bomb.” Adelaide said.

“It’ll be rough,” Tessa admitted. “I’m gonna have to be right there when it goes off to snatch up the debris. The smoke should give me enough cover to get in and get out before those stuffy commonwealth asses even know I’m there.”

“Mom and Dad say not to say that word.” Adelaide said, but looked awed by Tessa’s heroism.

“Um, Tess?” Jon coughed. “I hate to be the one to bring this up, but it sounds a lot like you’re gonna blow yourself up doing it.”

“Oh, come on, Jon,” Tessa scoffed. “It’ll be fine. Just trust me. And no snitching.” She fixed Adelaide with a glare, and Adelaide frowned.

“Alright, Operation Get-These-Weird-Old-Guys-Out-Of-Our-Home is a go.” Tessa nodded, eyes burning with a desire for trouble.

*** *** ***

Tessa and Jon had immediately prepared to be kicked out when they heard the announcement of Rapunzel’s pregnancy. They agreed, in private, that they would not be openly bitter about it. After all, it made logical sense not to have a few orphans running around when they had their own kid to worry about. Their real kid.

(Never mind that Rapunzel and Eugene had sat them down at the very beginning and promised they weren’t going anywhere. They were just being nice. And if they weren’t, they would change their minds soon enough)

They were shielded from most of it, still very young, but from what they could pick up between whispers and rumors flying around the castle, it was rough. Cassandra showed up, looking grimmer than usual, and it become clear pretty quick that show had come partially out of support for her friend, and partially because she knew Eugene was too busy by Rapunzel’s side to make sure two rambunctious twins didn’t burn down the kingdom, and Lance and Varian probably weren’t the people to solely delegate that responsibility to. (Their adoptive grandparents were fine, of course, but in a dark twist, they didn’t actually have any experience with young children)

“Are there lots of monsters on the road?” Tessa asked, coloring in a get-well card for Rapunzel. It was pretty bad, and Tessa wished-not for the first time-that she had Rapunzel’s artistic prowess.

“Sometimes,” Cassandra said, keeping a close eye on the twins. “Though usually it’s just wild animals and people.”

“What’s the coolest monster you’ve ever seen?” Jon asked.

“No no, what’s the biggest?” Tessa asked.

“Most dangerous?”

“Loudest?”

“Um…” Cassandra looked a bit thrown by their loud demands for violent tales, but glanced up, trying to come up with a suitable answer. “Chimera, probably.”

“What’s that?” Jon asked, looking amazed despite not even knowing what a chimera was.

“This weird mashup of a goat, snake, and lion. They breathe fire too and smell like a dirty stable.” Cassandra said.

“Did you kill it?” Tessa asked.

“I was too busy trying not to get barbecued to kill it.” Cassandra said, and then twins looked disappointed, falling silent again.

“She’s…” Tessa swallowed. “She’s gonna be alright, right?”

“Of course,” Cassandra said, though she answered far too quickly. “Of course.”

*** *** ***

Tessa held the small bomb in her hands, right outside the door where she knew the commonwealth representatives stood. Her parents weren’t in there; Adelaide had informed them that they were discussing something with Nigel.

She could feel her siblings’ eyes on her, waiting for her move. Tessa stepped forward, and grinned when she noticed the door was cracked. That was even better; she could slide the bomb in, and run before it even went off.

The nice thing about Varian’s particular invention was that it didn’t require a match. She just needed it to hit the ground hard enough. And with the extra powder inside, that would be a piece of cake. She crept forward, preparing to toss and run-

“-Tessa and Jonathan are their names, correct?”

Tessa paused when she heard her and her brother’s names from the crack in the door. She bit her lip, kneeling down to hear them better, though she already had a bad feeling about what they were saying.

“Yes,” Someone said, sounding irritated. “They behaved like wild dogs. Although I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, considering they’re from some orphanage. Not even a drop of royal blood.”

Tessa rolled her eyes at their whispers. They were hardly the first to raise such concerns, and they wouldn’t be the last. She and Jon had long decided that such insults weren’t worth their time. Though it erased any guilt she might have had about her prank.

“True as it may be, that surely can’t be the only case,” Someone else said. “Their real child is a mess as well, have you seen her? She takes after those other two, no manners at all.”

“Or their ex-criminal father. Really, captain of the guard? Besides the nepotism, there’s the security risk to go along with it.”

Tessa heard someone sigh deeply. “Really, I was glad when I heard the lost princess had returned,” Someone said, lowering their voice slightly. “But now we’re stuck with a flighty, shoeless queen who’d rather paint murals than uphold any kind of tradition.”

“And apparently doesn’t know how to brush what’s left of her hair.” A final voice added.

Tessa could hardly breath, half-believing that she had misheard them. She and her brother were one thing, but Adelaide? Hearing her baby sister’s name in their mouths made Tessa want to puke.

And her dad! Her dad, who taught her all the castle’s ins-and-outs and surely regretted it now, but still had to fight not to smile when she caused mischief, who read to her when she didn’t have so much pride about being a teenager. Her dad was the best captain Corona had ever seen. He had put his life on the line for it countless times.

And mom…

Tessa wondered, through fury, if these idiots even had the slightest idea what she had been through, if they could even imagine what her hair meant for her. Her mother was the kindest, most forgiving, most amazing woman Tessa had ever met, and though Tessa only knew inklings of what her short hair meant to her and what it had cost, she knew it was more than she could ever imagine.

The door opened, and Tessa came face to face with an old man that she vaguely recognized as a duke of something-or-other, his face the expression of someone who had just eaten something sour. His face pinched more, somehow. “What are you doing here?!” He demanded.

Tessa scrambled back, her heart pounding. “Uh…”

BAM!

The bomb suddenly went off, having slipped from her hand, and Tessa flew backwards, partially out of shock and partially because-she realized with strange clarity-had greatly overestimated the amount of powder needed to make the bomb actually do damage.

Something crashed into her face, and she yelped in shock. When she came to her senses again, the first thing she noticed was that her nose really, really hurt. She brought her hand up to her nose, muttering darkly when she felt hot blood drip onto her hand. Drip was probably the wrong word. More like steady flow.

“Tess!” She winced, her ears ringing slightly, seeing Adelaide and Jon rush over to her. “Tess, are you-oh, Lord…” Jon winced, grabbing a handkerchief out of his pocket. “Here, take this, sorry sorry sorry, we didn’t know-”

“It's fine,” Tessa grumbled, snatching the handkerchief. “I’m fine.”

“That looks pretty bad.” Adelaide said unhelpfully.

“Ack,” Tessa snorted, feeling slightly sick when a chunk of semi-solid blood came out of her nose. “Damn, that’s gross.”

The duke straightened, recovering quickly from the shock, because of course it was Tessa’s luck that she had taken the blow instead of those gossiping old bastards. “Such language is hardly appropriate for a young lady.”

“Get fucked.” Tessa snapped before she could stop herself, the old man’s comments still fresh on her mind. His eyes widened, and Tessa heard muttering from the rest of his posse, still inside the room.

“I don’t wanna say I told you so…” Jon whispered under his breath. “But…”

“If you finish that, I’ll break your nose too.” Tessa snapped.

Adelaide’s eyes widened. “It’s broken?!”

“What’s broken?! What happened-oh God,” Eugene rounded the corner, looking startled when he saw what had happened. “What happened?! And why does it smell like cherries?”

Tessa sniffed experimentally; a mistake, as she immediately gagged on blood, spitting out a mouthful. Adelaide looked green. “Oh, gross.”

“We were just wondering that ourselves, Captain,” The duke said, looking furious but trying to keep his voice in check. “Along with where your, ah, daughter learned such language-”

“Not now,” Eugene said, a bit snappishly. “Jon, Addy, go find your mom and tell her what happened and that I’ll get her once I’ve dealt with Tessa’s nose.”

“I’m fine.” Tessa protested, literally holding a handful of blood.

“Are we in trouble?” Adelaide asked nervously, and Jon elbowed her.

“Later, probably,” Eugene said, helping Tessa to her feet. “Right now go find mom.”

“I’m fine,” Tessa said again, but didn’t protest very hard. “It’s fine, it’s fine, just kinda stings.”

“I’ll bet.” Eugene said.

Tessa was quiet, guilt curling unpleasantly in her stomach. “Dad, I-I’m sorry, I didn’t-”

“Let’s just get you cleaned up, okay?” He opened the door to her room, letting her sit down. “Move your hands so I can see.”

Tessa moved her hands away from her face, and Eugene examined the injury critically. “Is it broken?” Tessa asked hesitantly, suddenly feeling stupid for the way her eyes were burning.

“Looks like it, but we can-wait,” Eugene blinked, suddenly looking surprised. “Are you crying?”

“No.” Tessa said immediately, but then felt a few traitorous tears slip out. She gritted her teeth, willing them to disappear with no success. “I-only a tiny bit. It hurts.”

Eugene frowned, looking slightly suspicious. “...remember when we went to visit your cousins in Arendelle last year? And you had the bright idea to climb out on the icy roof in the middle of the night to see the Northern Lights?”

“Mhm.” Tessa said, already knowing where the story was going.

“And you slipped off the roof, fell thirty feet, and broke your ankle.” Eugene finished.

“Iduna threw up,” Tessa remembered, thinking of her cousin’s reaction to the injury. “My ankle was backwards.”

“Yeah,” Eugene said. “And you didn’t cry then. And I’m not saying you shouldn’t cry now. Just that if your ankle facing the wrong way didn’t make you cry, maybe it’s just not your nose that’s bugging you.”

Tessa swallowed hard. “I…” She wriggled, pretending to fiddle with the handkerchief pressed against her nose. “I, uh, might’ve been eavesdropping.”

She half-expected her dad to scold her, but instead he merely waited. “They were, you know. Talking. About…” She felt embarrassed. “Stuff.”

Eugene frowned. “About you?”

“No-well, yes, me and Jon, but also…” She wriggled again, trying not to meet his eyes. “Also about Addy. And you. And...um. Mom. Like about her hair.”

There was a long moment of silence. So long that she glanced up, wondering if he had left. But he was still there, looking stoic.

“Dad?” She asked hesitantly.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” He said, surprising her with the softness in his voice. “You shouldn’t have had to hear that.”

“I don’t care.” Tessa said.

“No, really, it’s not okay-” Eugene started, but Tessa shook her head.

“No, Dad, I really don’t care. Jon and I, I mean. Like, people are always going to talk shit, right?” She suddenly glanced at him, expecting a language correction, but he merely nodded for her to continue. “And, well, you know, it bugged us at first, but it doesn’t anymore. It’s stupid, after all. They’re all morons who probably don’t even know how to swordfight.”

“You could totally take them.” Eugene said, smiling slightly.

“Right!” Tessa nodded vigorously. “I just...I don’t understand why they’d say stuff about you and Addy. And mom.”

Eugene sighed, putting his arm around her to pull her closer. Tessa leaned against him, feeling a bit guilty for getting blood all over his uniform, but he didn’t seem to notice. “I don’t know, Tess,” He said slowly. “Some people are just...mean. They have their set ways, and anything new scares them.”

“Their ways suck.” Tessa grumbled.

“Yeah,” Eugene nodded. “But hey. You know we love you, right? And you love us. It’s like you said, they aren’t anyone important. So what they say doesn’t matter.”

“I thought you wanted to do trade stuff with them.” Tessa said.

“Eh,” Eugene shrugged. “This kinda sours it a little.”

“Yeah.” Tessa said, a pair of scissors sitting in the corner catching her eye. Before she could barely register the impulse, she leapt up, snatching the scissors and slicing off her hair.

“Tess-!” Eugene stood up, startled by her sudden movement, but Tessa was already holding clumps of thick black hair. It wasn’t perfect by any means-somehow, it was even more choppy and uneven than Rapunzel’s.

Tessa frowned, suddenly certain she was in for a scolding, but instead, Eugene smiled widely, looking proud. “You know,” He said, beaming. “Short hair suits you.”

*** *** ***

“Are babies supposed to be this wrinkly?” Tessa asked, staring into the bassinet of the newborn princess.

“Mhm,” Rapunzel said, looking seconds away from passing out, exhausted and admittedly sickly, but unable to stop smiling. “I’m sure you two looked the same.”

“No way,” Jon argued, and then leaned over to Tessa, whispering. “She looks like a raisin.”

Tessa snickered, and based on the way Eugene tried to hide a smile, holding Rapunzel close, he heard too. “Well, we can ask the matrons when we go back.” Tessa said, and then winced when she realized what she had said.

Rapunzel blinked. “What? What are you talking about?”

Tessa and Jon glanced at each other, slowly stepping away from the bassinet. “You know…” Jon said. “‘Cause you have a real kid now.”

Eugene and Rapunzel glanced at each other, looking odd. After a moment, Rapunzel stretched out her arms. “Come here.”

Slowly, the twins crept forward, crawling into the bed. “I know this is all very new,” Rapunzel said, taking each of their hands. “And Adelaide is gonna be a big change, and change is scary. But you two are our real kids too. Just as real as her.”

“But-” Tessa started, and Eugene shook his head.

“No buts. You two are here to stay.” He glanced over when Adelaide started to cry, carefully picking her up and bringing her over to the twins and Rapunzel. Jon and Tessa fell silent, watching the tiny baby. “I promise.” Eugene said.

The twins were quiet for a long moment before Jon wriggled. “Can…” He smiled. “Can I hold her?”

*** *** ***

“Oh, you’re going to give me a heart attack someday,” Rapunzel said, fussing over Tessa’s newly bandaged up nose. “Everyday it’s a new scratch or bruise with you, I swear.”

“I’m fine, Mom,” Tessa said, though she enjoyed the attention. “Did you kick out those commonwealth asses?”

“Ass!” Adelaide said, with all the joy of one who knew she couldn’t get away with swearing often.

“Addy!” Rapunzel scolded.

“Tessa said it first!” Adelaide complained.

“And she shouldn’t either,” Rapunzel said. “And yes, I told them that we weren’t interested in trading with them and politely asked them to leave.”

“There goes the plan to throw eggs at them-I’m joking!” Jon said quickly when Rapunzel glanced at him warningly. “Only joking…”

“Oh, Dad!” Tessa sprung up, stumbling out of her room when she saw Eugene coming down the hall. “Are you done for the day?”

“With work? Yeah. What’s going on?” Eugene asked, looking a bit surprised by her enthusiasm.

“Uh…” Tessa shuffled, a tad embarrassed. “I was, you know, kinda wondering...do you know where we put that Flynnigan Rider book? Addy wanted you to read it-but don’t mention it to her, or she’ll get embarrassed.”

“Addy requested it, huh?” Eugene said, looking amused, but didn’t call her out. “Last I saw it, it was stashed under your bed. Along with enough dust bunnies to fill a small house.”

“Ha ha,” Tessa said blandly. “So you’ll read it?”

“Of course,” Eugene chuckled. “For Addy, of course.”

“For Addy,” Tessa agreed. “She also requested you do the voices. But don’t tell her I said that either.”

“No problem.” Eugene chuckled, following Tessa back to her room.

“You know, I should have cut my hair off way earlier,” Tessa said. “It’s gonna totally save me time on brushing my hair.”

“You barely brushed your hair to begin with.” Jon said.

“And? I didn’t ask you.” Tessa stuck her tongue out, plopping down next to Rapunzel.

“At least my nose isn’t the size of an orange.” Jon said.

Tessa opened her mouth to make another threat, but Rapunzel held up her hand. “No violence after nine o’clock.”

“Aw.” Adelaide said.

“Alright,” Eugene said, pulling out a battered book that had seen many bedtime routines, and would see many more. “Which one should I do?”

“The dragon!” Adelaide said immediately.

“No way, that one’s boring. Do the one with the earl!” Jon protested.

“Just saying, I got injured, so I should get to pick.” Tessa coughed.

“Or,” Rapunzel said, scooping Adelaide into her lap, only because she was the only one still small enough to do that. “We could start from the beginning.”

Eugene smiled. “I think that’s a good place to start.”

He cleared his throat, opening the book, and the kids drew closer, eager to hear the fantasy once again.

“Not all that long ago,” Eugene read. “There lived a rich man named Flynnigan Rider…”