Chapter Text
As soon as the Ghom laid eyes on them, it let out a horrendous screech before lunging right at them. Vic was the first to react, screaming “RUUUN!!” at the top of his lungs.
His shout spurred everyone to leap towards the railing. Their movement was so fast, the Ghom couldn’t reorient itself, slamming face first into the red door. It slumped to the ground in a brief daze, but everyone stole quick glances at one another, realizing this was their chance to run. They did just that, sprinting across the bridge as fast as their legs could carry them. But it wasn’t long before the Ghom regained its bearings, turning around and giving chase. Blanca was the first to reach the door, opening it straight away, wildly gesturing for everyone else to get inside.
Vic sprinted inside first, followed by Mary and Nora. Blanca managed to slide inside, right as the Ghom regained its bearings and lunged at them once more. The marshmallow slammed the door, but the Ghom was halfway inside the train car, and the doors weren’t strong enough to knock it out. The Ghom let out another screech as it tried to push its way into the car. Seeing that Blanca was struggling to close the doors, Nora ran over to put both hands on the left door in an attempt to help. The Ghom extended one of its paws into the car, desperately trying to reach for something. Another screech, and then the Ghom managed to push its way through, sending Blanca and Nora to the floor.
Mary barely had time to process what car they were in. All she knew for sure was that this new car was a purple abyss with lots of orange cubes in all shapes and sizes floating in place. It didn’t take long for her to find that the Ghom managed to get past Nora and Blanca. She took Vic in her hands and made a mad dash further in. There had to be some place she and Vic could hide. Mary knew she wouldn’t be able to fight that thing, nor would Vic, and Ben Greene said that it was safer not to fight it. Her lungs burned and her heart thundered in her chest as she looked all around the purple abyss. Unfortunately, there weren’t any cubes, or clusters of them, that looked anything like a hiding place.
The Ghom made another lunge, leaping towards Mary and Vic like a horse in a race. Mary heard its horrid screech and jumped to the left side, avoiding the assault. Blanca caught up to it, body slamming it to the ground and trapping it under her expanded weight.
“Everyone! Get to the exit, quick!” Blanca bellowed, grimacing as the Ghom thrashed and squealed underneath her. “I’ll catch up with you after this!”
Nora was the first to stand back up and make a mad dash towards the exit. Thankfully, to everyone’s relief, the car wasn’t nearly as big as the Phoenix Car, and the exit was only thirty feet away from Mary’s current position. Mary wasted no time following behind Nora, even though pain shot through her legs with every step. Nora got to the exit first, opening the door for Mary and Vic. Just as they got out, the Ghom managed to use one of its hind legs to kick Blanca, freeing itself from her grasp. The kick made Blanca fall to the floor and curl into herself. Mary could see the grimace on her face. That kick must have hurt really bad.
Her eyes widened in fear when she saw the Ghom racing towards them. Right as the Ghom tried to stick its head out, Nora slammed one of the doors on it in an attempt to trap it. The giant cockroach monster gave another screeching howl, its tendrils flailing all over the place. Mary knew she had to do something, and Blanca was still in there. What could she do? She couldn’t go inside, as much as she wanted to help Blanca, because the Ghom could literally turn her to ash if she tried to charge in head on. Nora was struggling to keep the door pressed against the wriggling monster. Vic was too small to do much on his own, so in a way, he was more at risk than everyone else was.
Then she remembered she still had her umbrella spear. Mary set Vic down on the platform just outside the car and pulled the spear out from behind her backpack, wielding it in both hands. She didn’t know if this would work, but this was no time to be scared. Mary steeled herself. She needed to protect her friends. As much as she hated fighting, this was do or die. With a scream, Mary ran up to the still struggling Ghom and stabbed it right in the face. As soon as the tip of the spear made contact, the Ghom let out an agonized screech. Some kind of liquid streamed out from the wound, black in color, almost blending in with its hide. Mary could only assume it was its blood, and her face contorted with disgust as she pulled the spear out from the cluster of tendrils that served as its mouth. Nora took the chance to kick it, sending it rolling across the floor in the cube car.
Before the monstrosity could regain its bearings, something grabbed at both of its hind legs. It was Blanca, back on her feet, with renewed determination in her eyes. The two of them were just ten feet from the exit. Ghom in hand, the giant marshmallow lifted the roach-like monstrosity into the air, and with a great heave, threw it towards the entrance. The Ghom barely had time to expand its wings before it collided with the entrance doors head first. Blanca slid out the exit, and Nora slammed the doors behind them.
“Blanca! Are you okay?” Mary ran right up to the tired marshmallow, her eyebrows furrowed in concern.
“I’m a little rattled, but other than that, I seem to be just fine,” Blanca replied, flashing a proud grin in Mary’s direction.
Mary’s heart swelled with pride. She had managed to help Blanca, and they didn’t get turned to ash!
“Woohoo! Oh, man! You were awesome just now, Mary!” Vic cajoled, jumping up and down with glee. “You just stabbed that giant cockroach right in the face, like…wham!” The hamster thrust his left arm out in a punching gesture. “You really showed it what for!”
Only now did her recent actions really sink in. Her legs gave out as she fell to her knees, replaying the action back in her mind as though she were rewinding a scene in a movie. “I…I really did…I just stabbed a giant cockroach monster in the face!”
Even saying it out loud didn’t make it seem any more real. But the lingering black blood on her fingers and the tip of her spear confirmed it. Her whole body trembled, both from the rush of adrenaline and the pride that made her heart pound faster than it usually did. She actually protected her friends from an actual monster! She had no idea she even had it in her. But the sticky black blood on her fingers began to override her emotions, and she wasted no time rubbing them on the floor to get it off. No way was she going to put black stains on her shirt.
“Damn, it’s never a dull moment with those things,” Nora grumbled, leaning against the red train door behind her.
“Have you dealt with them before, Nora?” Vic asked.
“Just once. Only managed to escape by the skin of my teeth,” Nora quipped, carding a hand through her purple locks.
The quartet silently decided to just sit on the platform and rest for a short while. It was hard enough getting through the Phoenix Car, and having to deal with a giant cockroach monster sapped the energy out of them. Even Nora couldn’t help but slide down the door as she sat down, her legs throbbing from having walked so much. Mary crawled next to Blanca and snuggled against her, smiling as she did so, relieved that her marshmallow friend was safe. The four of them sat near the gangway for a long time, and nobody bothered to keep track of how long, with the exhaustion cutting right into their bones. Or in Blanca’s case, the sugar, water, and corn syrup that formed her body.
Once they regained their energy, they decided to make their way to the next car, with Nora opening the door to the next car this time. The first thing the quartet saw when they opened the door was trees. Lots of them cloistered together, forming a large jungle. Giant frilled mushrooms glowed pink and turquoise, giving the lush jungle an almost ethereal atmosphere, like something out of a fairy tale. Several vines dangled from the trees, but they were still too high up for Mary to grab onto. Mary found herself watching some glowing butterflies as they fluttered past her without a care in the world. They were unlike anything she had ever seen back on Earth. She was tempted to touch one of them as it flew past her, but didn’t want to hurt it, so she refrained from doing so.
“Woooow! This is so pretty!” Mary exclaimed in her awe.
Nora gave a noncommittal shrug. “Eh, I’ve seen better. Another big car, probably,” She deadpanned.
Something caught Mary’s eye and she turned to face a big tree trunk. A tiny green lizard climbed up the tree, facing her with its dotted eyes. Mary smiled and gently poked the lizard with her index finger. The lizard’s body glowed a whitish blue and pink before making noises that sounded like whistling.
“Awww, look at the cute little whistle lizard!” Mary crooned, beckoning for everyone else to see it.
Nora shot a glare at her. “We’re not here to stand around gawking at dumb animals, kid!” She snapped.
Mary’s smile immediately turned into a frown. Memories of Dana doing the exact same thing came rushing back. Even Nora’s tone of voice sounded exactly like her mother’s. Luckily, Blanca walked over to Mary’s side and eyed the little whistling lizard.
“I think it’s adorable.”
That was all it took for Mary to regain her spirits.
The Jungle Car lived up to its name, and seemed to go on forever. The quartet pushed their way through thick foliage and walked across logs over roaring waterfalls. Nobody dared to touch the mushrooms, as they couldn’t predict whether they’d be poisonous or not. Tall mountains loomed over the jungle, reaching high into the heavens, some of which the quarter had to walk through in order to get to the exit. Blanca was still in no condition to shapeshift into a giant bird, and she didn’t want to risk being attacked by something in the sky again, assuming there might be predators like before. In a place like this, the probability of encountering wild animals like lions or vultures was likely. Then again, this was a magic train. Literally anything was possible.
Once night started to fall, the quartet decided to try and find a place to sleep for the night. After some searching, they found a clearing that seemed abandoned. There was a nest-like hole in the ground covered in leaves, big enough to fit several people inside. In one corner was a big pile of purple pineapples. Nora set down her bag and immediately got to unpacking it.
“Guess we’re bunking here for the night,” Nora decided.
Everyone nodded in agreement. The clearing seemed safe enough, and so far they hadn’t encountered any dangerous wildlife. Blanca and Mary followed Nora’s lead and set their bags down so they could stretch and relax. Mary wasted no time crawling over to the shallow hole and leaning against her backpack, relieved to finally be able to get off her feet. But her stomach churned with a loud rumble, begging for food. She looked over at the pile of pineapples next to Nora. What did those taste like? She never had pineapples before, and for all she knew, the ones on the train might be different from the ones on Earth.
Curiosity took hold, and she and Vic walked over to the pineapple pile. “I’ll cut one open and see how it tastes,” Vic jumped off Mary’s shoulder, landed on a pineapple, and sunk his teeth into it, dragging them across its hide and splitting it into two. He discarded the top half, as they had no need for the leaves, and took a moment to taste the inside.
“Hmm. Tastes kinda sweet and mellow,” Vic noted, licking his lips before sliding the bottom half of the pineapple to Mary.
She looked down at the pineapple. How in the world was she supposed to cut into it? She had no knife, and she didn’t want to get her hands sticky by taking pieces of it out from the base. Seeing Mary’s discomfort and dilemma, Vic ran back to his backpack, pulled out a small knife, and ran back to Mary, slowly cutting a piece of the pineapple out from the base. Mary gave a grateful nod before putting the piece he cut into her mouth. True to what Vic mentioned, it was sweet, but also wet and sticky, and there was a strong aftertaste that she couldn’t quite identify. It made her face scrunch up, and even though she swallowed it, the aftertaste still lingered on her tongue, like sandpaper on raw skin. The whole thing just felt…wrong.
“Eugh…not my favorite,” Mary croaked before pushing the pineapple over to Vic. “You can have the rest.”
“Sure! Cool with me! But what about you?” Vic was happy to receive the pineapple, but he couldn’t help but be concerned since Mary was still hungry. “We don’t have much food on us, so we gotta make do with what we have. I don’t want you to starve.”
As hungry as Mary was, she couldn’t bring herself to eat those pineapples anymore. “I’ll…be okay. No need to worry.”
She said that, but in her mind she chastised herself for not being able to just tolerate every food that was in front of her. Like Vic said, they didn’t have a lot of options, and Mary understood their situation was precarious. She was happy that Blanca and Vic knew she wasn’t being deliberately picky. Some food and their textures were physically painful. Could there be other things around that she could eat?
Before she could leave and see for herself, something was shoved into her vision. It was a long, orange carrot. Mary looked up to find Nora looming over her, carrot in hand.
“You like carrots?” Nora asked.
Mary nodded, and Nora simply handed it to her.
“Thanks,” Mary muttered.
“Don’t mention it. Not a big fan of them myself.”
Mary was more used to her carrots being cut into smaller pieces, but she didn’t want to seem ungrateful, so she began eating it from the bottom upward. It felt crunchier and dryer than the carrots she previously ate, but they still tasted good regardless. Nora sat down next to Mary, setting her backpack in front of her legs and rummaging through it. Mary had to admit, Nora’s backpack looked stuffed. Not as much as Vic’s was, but she could see some trinkets poking out from several pockets.
“What kind of stuff do you have with you?” Mary asked.
“A bunch of stuff. Sleeping bags, cooking materials, knives, stuff I nicked from other train cars, survival books, can openers,” Nora replied, pulling out a compass.
“What do you need survival books for?”
Nora fiddled with the compass in her hand, her fingertips brushing against the pointed structure on top. “Living off the grid. Know what that is?”
Mary shook her head.
“It means living out in the wilderness. No cellphones, no convenience stores, no parents to boss you around. You have to hunt, fish, and forage for your own food, you have to draw your own water from a well, and if you’re ever in danger, you gotta fight off wild animals all by yourself with no help whatsoever.”
Mary shivered. That description did not exactly endear her to that kind of lifestyle. Other people could handle it if they wanted to, but not her.
“That sounds tough.”
“It is. When you’re in the wilderness, you can’t afford to be a wuss.”
There was another silence until Nora nudged Mary with her elbow. “Wanna see something cool?”
“What is it?”
Nora rummaged through the front pocket of her backpack, pulling something wrapped in a dish towel. But as soon as she unwrapped it, Mary’s blood ran cold. It was a black gun. A pistol. She didn’t know what kind it was, but it didn’t change the fact that Nora was showing her a gun. A weapon, and a dangerous one if not handled properly. Mary backed away at least three feet.
“Why do you…have a g-g-g-g-gun?” Mary stammered, her blue eyes wide as saucers in fear of the weapon Nora had in her hands.
“It’s my boyfriend’s. He gave it to me,” Nora answered so casually and nonchalantly, like she was totally indifferent to the fact that she had a loaded weapon on her person. “I need it if I’m gonna hunt for food and live off the grid.”
“But…isn’t it dangerous? You could hurt yourself with that gun if you’re not careful,” Mary advised, more out of genuine concern for Nora’s well-being than anything.
Oddly enough, Nora shot her a displeased look. “Are you kidding me right now? You’re actually gonna lecture me on gun safety?” Nora insinuated, her tone venomous.
Mary shrank into herself, averting Nora’s gaze. The teenager gave a barely hidden scoff. “Pfft. You’re worse than my dad.”
Rather than move the conversation further, Mary walked over to Blanca’s side, leaving Nora to the hole. Blanca had gathered some wood and was rubbing two sticks together to create a campfire. It wasn’t long before a flame flickered to life, growing in size until it was the size of Mary’s head. The air around the campfire rippled, and the flame made the wooden sticks crackle. Mary looked up at Blanca’s face. The marshmallow’s eyes rippled orange from the flames, and the frown on her face didn’t suit her at all. Come to think of it…Blanca had been acting odd since she saw Mary’s memories. What was she sad about? Part of Mary wanted to refrain from asking, but another part wanted to know so she could at least be there for Blanca in her time of need. Blanca had always supported her and Vic with nary a complaint. Mary curled her hands into fists. Maybe now it was time to support her for a chance.
“Blanca? Are you okay?” Mary asked as politely as possible, her voice small and meek. “You’ve been sad ever since we saw my memories.”
At first, the marshmallow didn’t answer. Mary looked down at her shoes, immediately regretting having asked something so personal. Of course Blanca wasn’t okay. She looked desolate.
“To be honest, no,” Blanca finally whispered. “But this is my problem, Mary. You don’t need to worry about me.”
“I can’t help it, though!” Mary exclaimed. “Whatever’s wrong, you don’t have to deal with it alone. You have me and Vic, and you know you can talk to us about it. We won’t get mad or stop liking you! Not after all you’ve done for us!”
Having heard Mary, Vic scuttled over to the marshmallow as well, joining in on their conversation. “She’s right, y’know. We never would have come this far without you. It’s okay to rely on us if you have problems you need to get off your chest. Of course, it’s okay if you’re not comfortable sharing.”
Their blunt yet compassionate assertions stun the giant marshmallow, making her blink twice. Not long after, a sad smile crosses her face.
“You two…I’m so blessed to have gotten to befriend you both. I suppose…it’s time I told you the truth,” Blanca murmured. “Mary? Do you remember when we first met? Just before we left the Sweets Car, I told you there was another reason I wanted to explore the train with you?”
Comprehension dawned on Mary’s face as she nodded. Blanca had said something to that effect back when they first met.
Blanca paused for a moment, wincing as she spoke once more. “The thing is…one of my sons, Shiro, left the Sweets Car a long time ago. We didn’t part on the best terms, and…I want to see him again. Just to see how he’s doing and apologize to him.”
One of her sons…Mary and Vic remembered the game they played back in the Doily Car. Blanca mentioned she sired twenty children. One of whom Mary met just briefly, right before she and Blanca left the Sweets Car.
“If it’s a sore subject for you, you don’t have to tell us—” Vic was about to reassure her, but the marshmallow silently raised a hand up, cutting him off.
“It’s fine. I want to tell you. There’s so much I need to get off my chest…” Blanca gently asserted. “All throughout my life, I never knew anything except the Sweets Car. I was blissfully ignorant of anything outside the Sweets Car. I married my husband, had twenty children…what more could I ask for? But one day, a creature I didn’t recognize came into the car for a brief moment. Then more of them passed through, with the number increasing by the day. It wasn’t until later I learned they were humans. Passengers.”
According to Blanca, there was a period of time when the Sweets Car never saw passengers or denizens. When they first came through the Sweets Car, the denizens of said car weren’t exactly the most welcoming towards them, and for a pretty petty reason: They didn’t look like them. They weren’t sentient sweets, so they had no place in their car, even if their presence was temporary. But the denizens of the Sweets Car never tried to kick them out and mainly ignored them. As time passed, the Sweets Car denizens became more accustomed to passengers and denizens from other cars passing through, sometimes staying a night or two, shedding their initial hostility and getting to know them better. Most of them did. Blanca had chosen to keep her distance, as she had overheard several passersby mention the various cars they went through, many of which were dangerous.
“I had gotten it into my head that the world outside our car was a dangerous place,” Blanca elaborated. “All based on the musings of some passengers that I never bothered to talk to. I just conjured all these ideas in my head and latched onto them. I never made the effort to learn more. But Shiro did.”
Shiro was Blanca’s ninth son, and her eighteenth child overall. Blanca described him as an adamant, rambunctious boy who was always curious and getting into all sorts of scrapes. One time, he climbed the highest tower in the Sweets Car and managed to reach the top. When he tried to get down, he had slipped, and Blanca managed to save him in the nick of time. Since then, she had become protective of him and tried to curb his thrill-seeking tendencies. They mellowed out as he got older, but he never lost the desire to try new things. Something that Blanca began to see as a problem when passengers and denizens from other cars began traipsing through the Sweets Car.
“He started talking to the outsiders, and would often converse with them for hours. I often had to resort to dragging him away from them just so I could get him to eat dinner or help around the house. Shiro was never too happy about that. I can’t count how many times I dragged him back home kicking and screaming. No matter how much I tried to discourage it, Shiro never stopped trying to talk to passengers and learn about the world outside the Sweets Car.”
Things came to a head ten years ago. One day, Shiro proclaimed to his entire family that he decided to move out of the Sweets Car permanently. When questioned why, Shiro told them that he was sick of having his life decided for him, wanting to see the rest of the train and what it had to offer. Everyone supported his wishes…except for Blanca. She was vehemently opposed to the idea and did everything possible to try and keep him in the Sweets Car. Dismissing his dreams, telling him he didn’t know what he was doing, claiming that the outsiders were a bad influence on him, even resorting to physical restraint. Since Shiro was an adult, he easily broke free from her grasp and left the Sweets Car without so much as a goodbye, never paying her admittedly single-minded protests any heed.
Mary and Vic’s mouths fell agape at all that the marshmallow told them. It was impossible for them to believe that the sweet, patient, motherly marshmallow who always supported them for so long was once the very opposite. The more they thought about it, the more they realized…Blanca’s past actions reminded them eerily of both Dana and Irene. Mary looked down at her folded hands as she listened to the rest of Blanca’s tale. She didn’t dare try to imagine Blanca engaging in the same behavior her mother and grandmother did.
“For the longest time, I was convinced that Shiro was entirely in the wrong. I couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to leave the Sweets Car when it was safe from any and all danger that I knew of,” Blanca elaborated, her voice quavering. “My husband and other kids tried to get me to admit responsibility for driving Shiro away, but I didn’t want to hear it. After a while, I started to think about what Shiro had told me. That I shouldn’t be so quick to judge others for not being exactly like me and to jump to conclusions over nothing.”
One day, a passenger came into the Sweets Car in despair, a young girl a little older than Mary. Blanca, who had initially kept her distance from passengers, found herself feeling pity for the girl and let her stay in her house for a while. Blanca tried to be hospitable—cooking for her, listening to her troubles, and offering words of encouragement—and it seemed to work. The girl left the car feeling better than she did before. More passengers came through, and Blanca began offering to let them rest at her house. Hearing their different stories and getting to know them better made her realize that she had been wrong to assume the worst in them when they first appeared years ago. Many of them were people who were just foisted onto the train and didn’t know what to do, where to go, who to trust, or anything of the like. She also heard about other train cars, learning which ones were dangerous and which ones weren’t.
Gradually, Blanca began to wonder if the train was really as horrible as she assumed it was. On a whim, Blanca left the Sweets Car and went into another train car. Then another. Then another. She was only able to visit ten cars before going back, as she didn’t want to worry the rest of her family and stay out too long, but that experience alone made her realize that the world didn’t consist entirely of just the Sweets Car. Plus, some of the train cars she visited weren’t dangerous like she thought they’d be. Even the denizens of said cars either welcomed her without question or just quietly kept their distance. When Blanca got back home that day, she openly wept as remorse hit her like a truck. She had been completely wrong about everything, and her own actions led to her driving her own son away.
“I could no longer deny what I had done,” Blanca murmured. “I tried to keep my son in a cage of my own making because of my inability to listen and expand my horizons, and as a result, he’s gone. I wonder if he felt as though I were suffocating him.”
That was a feeling Mary knew all too well. Still, the thought of Blanca acting just like her mother and grandmother was too terrible to think about. How could she, when Blanca had been nothing but sweet and supportive to her and Vic?
“Honestly…seeing your memories, and all that Dana and Irene have done to you…it was like seeing my old self all over again, from an outsider’s perspective,” The marshmallow’s form becomes smaller, her arms hugging her torso as if trying to keep herself together. “I began to wonder…was that what Shiro saw? He must have felt so scared, so terrified, so angry…and knowing that everything that happened is my own fault…”
Her words fade with a hitch of her breath, her voice the most fragile Mary and Vic had ever heard. There was no mistaking the tears now, not when Blanca’s body jolted with a sob. On impulse, Mary scooted over to the marshmallow and put both arms on her. They weren’t long enough to wrap around Blanca’s body, but Mary hoped her gesture would bring warmth in the hopes of reducing the sorrow the marshmallow was experiencing. Vic did the same, crawling up Mary’s back and on the girl’s head, extending the gesture in his own way.
Blanca doesn’t respond verbally to their hug, but neither Mary nor Vic expected that. Touched by their kindness, Blanca wrapped her arms around Mary, pulling her and Vic even closer. Nora rolled her eyes and made a faux retching sound at the scene playing out in front of her before going back to cleaning her gun with a rag.
“So what are you gonna do when you actually see Shiro again?” Vic asked.
The marshmallow released them and wiped a single tear from her eye. “Don’t worry, I have no intention of dragging him back to the Sweets Car. That isn’t what he wants,” Blanca clarified with a sniff. “I have no right to expect him to come back or to forgive me for what I’ve done. But I do worry if he’s okay or even alive. If I see him again, I intend to just apologize and wish him well. What he decides to do with his life is entirely up to him, and as long as he’s happy, then that’s all I could ever hope to ask for.”
“That’s what they all say,” Nora piped in, her words dripping with unsolicited sarcasm.
Mary and Vic couldn’t help but whirl their heads around, their mouths agape at Nora’s blatant callousness. Blanca was opening up to them about something extremely personal, and here was Nora dismissing it like it was nothing!
“You can play up your woe-is-me backstory all you want, I know your end game is to either pine for easy sympathy or manipulate your kid into going back to you. That’s how it always goes down,” Nora sneered. “It’s honestly hilarious how pathetic you’re being right now.”
Pathetic? Mary’s blood boiled, and her hands balled into fists. Nora had no right to claim she knew what Blanca was really thinking! She opened her mouth to call her out, but Vic beat her to the punch.
“The hell do you know?! You don’t know Blanca like we do so keep your insensitive comments to yourself!”
Nora scoffed before pulling a bag of white powder out from her backpack. “Fine, whatever. You can lick your wounds all you want, just leave me out of it.”
For someone who said she wanted to be left out of certain things, Nora seemed to have no qualms about inserting herself into peoples’ business and throwing her own two cents into them. Mary couldn’t help but shrug at Nora’s blatant hypocrisy. But more than that…Mary shivered when she saw Nora pouring some powder on another stump. She used some sort of metal square to divide the powder into three lines, then took out what looked to be a straw before…snorting some of the powder up her nose.
Were those…drugs? If they were, what kind were they? Mary had a bad feeling, but couldn’t quite put it to words. Vic and Blanca seemed to notice it as well.
“It’s getting late, so we’d best get some sleep. We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow,” Blanca suggested with an awkward laugh.
The bad feeling continued even as Mary snuggled up next to Blanca and tried to fall asleep. But sleep seemed to avoid her that night. Her mind was awhirl with everything that had happened the night before. Blanca’s reason for accompanying Mary on her journey, the new side of Nora’s personality, the gun, the drugs…Mary couldn’t help but wonder if she should even sleep at all. What if Nora shot them in her sleep? She shook her head. Sure, Nora was prickly, but she wouldn’t go that far, right? Why would she even want to kill them? Mary mentally kicked herself for being so quick to assume Nora would be a murderer.
She was able to get some hours of sleep, but when she woke up, she still felt groggy. Mary slid out from under Blanca’s arm and walked over to her backpack, which she had left in the hole that Nora was currently sleeping in. Silently, Mary pulled the backpack out from it, and Nora didn’t stir even once. Mary sighed with relief. Backpack in hand, Mary walked over to the pile of pineapples, rummaging through her bag to pull out her phone and pressed one of the buttons on the side. What time was it? The sky was lighter than it was last night, but not too bright, so it was probably early morning.
When Mary’s phone finally turned on, it vibrated in her hands. An email notification popped up at the top of the screen. Curious, Mary tapped it with her finger, opening up her email account. A new email had appeared in her inbox, and it wasn’t sent to the Spam folder. The subject line read: I’m Sorry, Mary . Who could be sending this? Pressing her lips together in anticipation, Mary tapped the email, opening the message. The second she saw who the sender was, her eyes were glued to the email.
The sender was Todd Summers.
Mary. This is your father, Todd. I don’t know if you’re able to read this, but on the off chance that you are, I have so much I need to tell you. I don’t know where to start, except with this: I’m sorry. For everything.
I’m sorry for never having noticed what your mother put you through, sending you to ABA during the day while I worked at the casino. I’m sorry for never asking if you were okay or looking deeper into what was happening. I’m sorry for not knowing that she made a whole blog for the sole purpose of complaining about you to strangers on the internet and revealing information about you that she’s not allowed to share. Dana kept so many things a secret from me, and I’m angry at myself for only just now finding out about all that she’s done to you right under my nose. So much could have been prevented had I just asked the right questions or made an effort to look into what was going on. You never should have been made to endure all the pain and suffering those doctors put you through.
There is one thing I really want you to know, Mary. Reagan and I, we never knew this blog existed until you sent that text talking about it, and I assure you, neither of us were involved in creating it. If I had known this was going on sooner, I would have put a stop to it. Your mother kept it a secret from all of us because she knew we would do so if we ever found out about it. Furthermore, I know about the entry where she mentioned wanting to sterilize you. Do you know what that word means? In case you don’t, it means to make it so someone can’t have babies. In this case, Dana wants to take you to a doctor and have them mess with your organs so that even if you grew up and got married, you wouldn’t be able to have children no matter what.
I can’t stress this enough: That’s not for your mother to decide, and what she’s planning to do to you is wrong. Whether you want to have kids or not when you grow up, you are the only one who has the right to decide what to do with your body. Do you remember the ABA doctors Dana took you to? They’re the ones who put that idea in her head, claiming that autistic people are nothing but burdens on their families and the causes of all their problems. They’re the ones who convinced Dana to put you through all those sessions to make you appear normal, not allowing you to engage in the things that make you happy, like your hand-flapping or your rocking.
They’re wrong about you, Mary, and I’ll keep telling you this until the day you die. You are an important part of the Summers family. Nothing can ever change that, and I don’t ever want to change anything about you. I wish I could say Dana felt the same, but in light of what we’ve found out…it’d be cruel of me to lie to you, and you hate it when people lie to you no matter how much the truth may hurt. I don’t want to tell you how to feel about your mother, but you need to know that Dana’s actions are unacceptable. Not only is she sharing extremely private information about you to complete strangers without your permission, telling them lies about what you’re really like, if certain people were to come across said information, it could negatively affect your future. Someone could read what your mother wrote on her blog without checking the facts and judge you solely based on that and not even give you a fair chance. For example, if you were to find a job and get an interview, the interviewer could have seen what your mother wrote and say to you, “Are you Mary Summers? We don’t think you’re qualified to do this job because according to this, you’re quite the troublemaker.” People could easily just decide who you are based on the lies Dana wrote about you, without ever taking the time to get to know you and realize the truth.
This shouldn’t even be something you have to deal with. I’ve tried to make Dana realize what she’s doing is wrong, but you know how stubborn she is. She refuses to believe any of it, even when the facts straight up say so. I can only pray that you’re safe and sound wherever you are. Your sister and I, we miss you so much. Your friends and teachers at school miss you, too. Everyone’s looking for you, worried about you. You still have people here that care about you and love you for who you are. Your worth isn’t based on whether or not you’re normal or autistic. You don’t need to be cured, no matter how much your mother or those ABA doctors may claim otherwise. I owe you no small number of apologies, but most of all, I’m sorry that my lack of action made you feel that running away was the best option. Please don’t think I’m angry at you for having done so. As painful as it is not having you here right now, I understand what it’s like to want to run away.
Since you left, things are…rocky, between your mother and I. I’ve been trying to get her to see that her actions have driven you away, but she refuses to take responsibility for any of it. As a result, she and I have been fighting a lot more than we used to. Ideally, I would love to have you home right this instant, but I don’t want you to have to see us arguing so much. I know it would only make you sad, and with how your mom is, I don’t know if the fighting will even stop. It’s not good for both you and Reagan in the long run. However, I am going to make some serious changes. From now on, I am never going to let your mother take you to any place you don’t want to ever again. Especially not without your input. That means no more ABA and no more so-called specialists to try and make you “normal.” No more quiet hands. I’m also going to talk to your teachers at school and see if they can help make your life easier as well. If that’s okay with you, that is. They won’t happen right away, but I’m going to make sure they happen. Because Dana’s treatment of you is not how mothers should treat their children, and I’m going to make it stop. NOW. I’m sad that she can’t find it in her heart to accept you as you are after so many years.
Wherever you are, I hope you’re doing well and staying safe. We all miss you here, and we’ll wait patiently for the day you’re ready to come home, Bunny.
Sincerely,
Your father Todd.
P.S. Do you remember that red-haired girl who was nice to you in the Barnes and Noble last month? It turns out she’s Greg Kesserling’s older sister. Her name is Lianna. I’ve recently become friends with their mother Edith, and she’s been a great help to me since you went missing. Guess what I found out? Lianna is autistic just like you! I’ve been thinking that maybe her mother and I could arrange it so you two could get together some time and hang out. It’ll be good for you to meet other autistic people like yourself. Of course, only if you want to. I know Greg’s been giving you a hard time in school, so if you ever decide you want to meet Lianna, we can make sure Greg doesn’t do anything he shouldn’t, or arrange it so that he’s doing something else while you and Lianna hang out.
The cell phone weighed heavy in Mary’s hands as she stared down at the small, narrow screen, trying to absorb all that she was reading. She read it four, maybe five or six times, and it still didn’t quite settle. Her mouth fell slightly open as she read her father’s email to her. She didn’t know what she was feeling right now. Too many thoughts and feelings were fighting for her attention. Her brain was full and she didn’t know how to untangle everything that was in it.
But…her father was saying he was sorry for everything, and that he genuinely didn’t know about the blog until Mary texted Reagan about it. In that moment, she instinctively knew that her father wasn’t lying. Why would he tell her about what was going on at home while she was gone if he was lying about knowing about the blog? Why would he even go to the trouble of reaching out to her at all if he…if he didn’t miss her or love her?
Her vision blurred, and she felt something wet on her cheeks. Bunny. When was the last time she had been referred to by that nickname? Reading the nickname, her chest felt heavy…yet warm. Regret settled into her gut. To think she had once thought he and Reagan were in on the blog and hated her as much as her mother did. How could she have let herself think that? All she had to do was ask them if they knew about it, or tell them about it, and they would have put a stop to it right away, just like how her father found out about ABA and pulled her out of there as soon as he found out. They would have believed her. They always did. Mary didn’t know if they’d believe that she was on some magic train, but with everything else, they never doubted her or dismissed what she said as just childish prattle.
A single, strangled sob escaped her throat as she read the email yet again. The rest of the world seemed so far away as she tried to untangle and process all that she was reading. For the first time since she got on the train, she yearned for her father’s warm, strong, loving arms around her. She yearned for his nose brushing against her black hair in that soft, slow way she always loved. She missed hearing his hearty laugh, hearing his stories about the people he dealt with at the casino even if she never understood a lot of the more complicated words he used, the way he’d help her with her homework, the times they’d do some roughhousing in the living room…and she couldn’t go back home. Not right now.
Mary looked down at her palm. A glowing green 20 stared back at her. It was so much closer to zero now than it had been when she first got on the train. It was only a matter of time before it’d reach zero, and she could go home. But her father mentioned that he and Dana were fighting a lot more. Mary wasn’t sure if she’d want to go back home and have to listen to them fighting. Her father was right. Coming back home now probably wasn’t the best idea. Now she had a new problem: How could she possibly respond to his email? Where and how could she even start?
Her thoughts were unceremoniously interrupted when her cellphone was swiped out of her hand.
“Wha—?! Hey!!” Mary snapped her head up, meeting the culprit’s eyes.
“What the hell are you looking at?!” Nora yelled as she scrutinized Mary’s phone, reading through Todd’s email.
Mary sprang to her feet, reaching for her phone, but Nora kept it out of her grasp. “Nora! Give it back! You’re not supposed to read somebody else’s email!” Mary yelled.
Nora paid the girl no heed, but Mary could see her features contorting into visceral disgust as she read the email. “You don’t actually believe all this crap, do you?” Nora asked, her voice oddly interrogative.
Once again, Mary jumped to try and grab her phone back, but Nora held it aloft, keeping it out of the younger girl’s reach. “He’s just trying to trick you!”
“No he’s not! You don’t know my dad! Gimme my phone back!”
Mary lunged at Nora once again, but the teenager sidestepped out of her way. Before she could reorient herself, Mary fell to the ground face first, and the impact made her chest rattle. She heard a cackle behind her. A malicious laugh that she knew all too well. Nora’s laugh sounded exactly the way Greg used to laugh whenever he would push her to the ground.
“God, what a joke! This guy actually thinks he can convince you to go back to him with all these cheesy after school special spiels?” Nora laughed at every sentence she read in the email. “Your dad’s a real tryhard, you know that?”
“Don’t talk trash about my dad!” Mary shouted, hoisting herself up and making another beeline for her phone. Once again, Nora held it up high so she couldn’t reach it.
Nora’s wicked smile turned into a scowl full of contempt. “I’m deleting this.”
Delete? Mary couldn’t let that happen. Her blood boiled once more, and she sprung into action. “No you’re not!!” With all the strength she could muster, she leaped onto the arm that was holding her phone and pulled down on it. It wasn’t enough to make Nora let go of her phone, but Mary could see that her grip was slipping.
“Get off me!” Nora yelled, using her free hand to pull on one of Mary’s braids. “I’m doing you a favor!”
The commotion roused Blanca and Vic from their sleep, and their eyes widened at the sight unfolding before them. Seeing that Mary was trying to reach for her phone, Blanca sprouted an arm and yanked the phone right out of Nora’s hand. Finally, Mary let go, and Blanca gave her the cellphone back. Mary’s chest hurt from all the screaming and heavy breathing, but more importantly, she checked to make sure the email was still there. Sure enough, it was. Relief washed over her as she held her cellphone close to her chest. But the relief was short-lived.
“You little bitch!” Nora screeched, reaching a hand out to try and grab Mary’s phone once again. This time, Mary stepped back and held her phone close, with Blanca holding a protective arm out to keep the teenager at a distance. “You ought to be grateful I tried to save you from being manipulated by that stupid email!”
“You’re not supposed to steal people’s phones or look at their emails! It’s an invasion of privacy!” Mary shot back, unable to fathom why Nora was convinced she was doing some sort of good deed when it clearly wasn’t. As frightening as Nora’s contorted, angry face was to look at, Mary wasn’t going to back down. Nora knew what she did, and Mary wasn’t about to let her claim that Mary was the one being difficult.
“Mary’s right, Nora. You had no right to steal her personal property,” Blanca asserted, her normally soft voice firm and stony, leaving no room for nonsense.
“Her parents are trying to make her go back to whatever miserable existence she had before! Probably making her go to stupid school and do stupid homework and not letting her hang out with her friends!” Nora broke into a tirade. “Her parents are trying to brainwash her into going back to them, doing their bidding, and robbing her of free will!”
Brainwash her? Mary had no idea why Nora was getting all these ideas in her head. Her father wouldn’t do that. He wasn’t some evil overlord in the cartoons who used magic staves to brainwash people. What even did “rob her of free will” mean?
“You’ve never even met Mary’s parents so you can’t claim to know what they’re like!” Vic retorted.
Nora remained steadfast. “But I’ve dealt with those kinds of people before! They lure you in with sweet lies and before you know it, you’re reduced to being little more than their slaves!”
None of this was making any sense. Did Nora even know what she was talking about? Or were the drugs she took last night messing with her brain? Mary figured the latter sounded more plausible, based on what she had heard about hard drugs and their side effects.
“I’m trying to save her from losing her right to free will! Her parents are manipulating her! I’m trying to make sure that doesn’t happen!” Nora bellowed, her pink streaks fraying with every movement of her head as she gesticulated towards the trio. “You need to delete that email, Mary. It’s nothing but lies. Propaganda engineered to make you believe that your only path in life is to be a slave to authority and nothing more!”
The gears turned in Mary’s head as she tried to process what Nora was saying. She didn’t know what the word propaganda meant, but she knew what a slave was. A slave was someone forced to do whatever their masters wanted, robbed of any autonomy, choices, or freedom, their backs lashed with whips. Authority was another world for adults and grown-ups. Gradually, Mary put the pieces together. Nora thought both her mother and father were evil, and is convinced they’re trying to hurt Mary. She’d be right about her mother, but not about her father. Mary’s teeth clenched as anger bubbled up inside her. Like Vic said, she had never even met her father, so how could she claim to know what her father was like? What makes her think she knows what’s best for Mary?
But more than that, Nora tried to make a decision for Mary that she had no right to make. Just that action brought memories of Dana doing the same things rushing back. Mary clutched her phone tight, clenching her teeth as rage rose up from within her. She didn’t need some teenage girl telling her what to do with herself and walking all over her! It was bad enough dealing with it from Dana. No way was she going to put up with it again.
“No! I am NOT deleting my dad’s email, Nora!” Mary yelled, pointing her index finger right at Nora. “That’s my decision to make, not yours! Whatever problems I have in my life are mine to deal with! Mine! Stop making everything all about you! You don’t even know what I’ve been through, so don’t claim you know what’s best for me when you really don’t! If I wanna delete the email, I’ll do it, not you, so back off and leave me alone! And you are never, EVER touching my stuff again without my say so! Got it?!”
An awkward silence fell on the quartet. That was enough to make Mary realize what she had just done. She actually told off a teenager—someone older than her, someone who she would normally be forced to defer to by virtue of age and wisdom—and stood up for herself. Nora was shocked into silence. No other words were exchanged. The only response Nora gave was a noncommittal shrug before walking to another corner of the clearing and sitting down on the grass with a grunt.
Mary’s fingers buzzed, probably from clutching her phone. But more than that, Mary felt…proud. Nora actually listened and backed off. Granted, Mary had a feeling Nora wasn’t going to just leave things be, and for all she knew, the teenager might try to pull this stunt again. A teenager with a short temper, drugs, and a loaded gun was dangerous if left unchecked. But damn, did it feel absolutely amazing to tell somebody off for once! It helped that Nora didn’t try to press the issue further. If Dana were here, Mary was sure she would have continued to escalate the situation. Mary wondered if this was what her father felt when he stood up to both Irene and Dr. Goldman way back when.
Her palm lit up. Mary lifted her hand up to see her number scrolling once again, stopping at a solid four. Vic crawled up her back and nestled on her shoulder to get a look.
“Oooh, lookit you putting your foot down!” Vic exclaimed with a proud grin. “Man, if you keep this up, you’ll actually be off the train fairly soon!”
Off the train. The words echoed in Mary’s brain as she looked down at her palm, remembering her father’s email. As much as she wanted to go home, she didn’t want to go back only to find her parents fighting a lot. Maybe her father was right. Maybe she wouldn’t be happy coming back home right now. Why would she, when Dana was doubling down on her beliefs about her own daughter? Her conflicting wishes waged war, taking up space in her brain.
There was also the matter of Nora. Why had she gone off on Mary like that? She had already proven earlier that she was in no mood to talk about her family or situation at home, so asking her about it probably wasn’t a good idea. But the fact that she owned drugs and a gun, along with having a volatile temper, was a series of huge red flags. Red flags for what, exactly? None of them knew. All they knew was that this didn’t bode well.
Had they made a mistake in allowing Nora to join them?
Todd sat on a metal chair on the front porch with a bowl of candy on his lap. Halloween was in full swing, and people began walking through the streets in all manner of costumes. Kids, teenagers, and adults. It was still light out, as new city regulations deigned that Halloween start earlier in the day, but the sky was streaked a brilliant vermilion, with specks of blue creeping in, so night wasn’t too far off. There had been quite a few kids who stopped by and got some candy already, and there were only about eight candy bars left in the bowl. Todd could tell this year’s Halloween was going to be a good one.
Except for the fact that Mary wasn’t here to enjoy it with them.
He couldn’t help but feel a pang of envy, seeing families with their kids walking through the street, laughing and enjoying the festivities. Mary had been looking forward to Halloween so much, and her witch costume was still in her closet. But she wasn’t here to go trick-or-treating like she and everyone else had planned. Todd silently chastised himself for being envious of other families. It wasn’t good to compare himself to others. He knew this, but the Mary sized hole in his heart seemed to grow exponentially by the minute. The world was moving forward…but for him, time seemed to slow to a snail’s pace.
“Mr. Summers!” A child’s voice called out to him.
Snapping out of his reverie, Todd raised his head to find Caitlin and Leo skipping onto the porch, candy bags in hand. Caitlin wore a long sleeved, tye-dye shirt, blue pants, light brown boots, a matching vest with tassels dangling from it, and pink glasses. So she followed through on her quest to dress up like a 1960’s hippie. Leo was wearing a full body Iron Man costume, though the helmet was tucked under one of his arms.
“Hola, Mr. Summers. Trick or treat,” Leo greeted him shyly.
Todd flashed a smile. “Hey, Caitlin and Leo! How have you two been?”
“About as good as can be, considering…” Caitlin forced a cheerful grin as she took a candy bar out from the bowl, as did Leo. Todd could see that they were trying to hide their sorrow over Mary’s disappearance, and he couldn’t blame them. They missed Mary just as much as he himself did.
Leo rummaged through his bag and pulled something out. It was a plastic food container with three square-shaped pastries inside, with one of them being coated in chocolate. “These are for you, Mr. Summers. Mama made some torrijas and wanted me to give some of them to you.”
“Oh…” Todd gingerly took the container, touched by the kind gesture. “Thank you, Leo. I can’t wait to try them.”
“My mom made something for you too!” Caitlin bent down to dig through her bag and pulled a similar container out. Hers had three thick slices of cranberry bread. “This is her cranberry bread. She says she hopes you guys don’t give up on finding Mary and that you can talk to her if you ever need help with anything.”
Tears pricked at Todd’s eyes as he took the other container into his hand. “Thanks so much, you two. Tell your parents thank you for the lovely gifts. By the way, your costumes look amazing.”
Leo gave a sheepish laugh, blushing from the compliment. In contrast, Caitlin’s expression darkened, her gaze and frown looking quite serious.
“Speaking of Mary…has there been any news? About where she is or if she’s okay?” Caitlin asked, her voice quavering a bit.
God, Todd wanted so badly to tell them everything. But would it even be right to tell a couple of kids that Mary was alive but still out there somewhere? Would it interfere with the investigation? So far, everything the police found was circumstantial at best, nothing truly concrete. The fact that Mary supposedly reached out to Reagan through texting was also a big question mark. Todd wanted to reassure the kids, but didn’t want to give away too much and risk compromising the investigation. More than that, he didn’t want to give them false hope. Besides, they didn’t need to know about Dana and the blog.
As much as Todd hated not being honest with them, he went with the most vague answer possible. “The police are investigating some new leads, but nothing concrete. They say no news is good news, right?”
Caitlin narrowed her eyes in disbelief, but accepted the answer regardless. “I guess. I hope she comes back.”
“Me too,” Leo added.
“Same here. You two best get back to trick-or-treating,” Todd suggested with a wave of his hand. “Thank you for stopping by.”
“You’re welcome!” Caitlin and Leo both bid Todd goodbye before running up the street.
A few more kids stopped by, and Todd’s candy bowl was completely empty. He went inside to both fill up the bowl and put the containers Caitlin and Leo gave him in the refrigerator. As he put them away, he looked over and saw Dana lying on the couch, one of her arms dangling off the side, completely limp. Her red cell phone was on her chest, and a screechy, staticky voice blared out from it. Voicemail. Several messages. All from the same person, it sounded like.
“Dana Summers, you can’t keep ignoring my calls forever! I only—” Beep. Message deleted.
“News people with cameras are hounding my house every day, my neighbors keep asking me weird questions, and my reputation is going south—” Beep. Message, deleted.
“You better take responsibility for what this is doing to my image! People are spreading rumors about me! Don’t you think you ought to—” Beep. Message deleted.
Eleven more messages followed, all of which Dana deleted with a look of resigned indifference. With all of them deleted, Dana put her hand down, and her cellphone slipped onto the floor. Todd reached out to catch it and put it on the footrest. Her black hair splayed out on the arm rest, and while the bags under her eyes began to fade, her cheeks looked slightly sunken in. She looked not just exhausted, but completely burnt out…and Todd had no idea how to help her. It was obvious that her mother, even far away, had some kind of grip on Dana that she couldn’t seem to escape. It was no wonder Dana was so viscerally scared of her.
Just thinking about all Irene had done made his blood boil. But this was not the time to wallow in anger.
“Can I get you anything, Dana?” Todd asked, kneeling down so he could see her at eye-level. Or in this case, couch-level. “Coffee or water?”
“No thanks,” Was Dana’s listless response.
A light bulb flashed in his mind. “Have you ever had torrijas before? Mary’s friend Leo brought some that his mom made.”
For the first time in what seemed to be an eternity, something resembling a wobbly smile flickered on Dana’s face. “That’d be lovely. Thanks.”
Todd brought the torrijas out, sitting back down on the floor as he opened the container. Dana reached out to grab the chocolate covered one, and Todd settled on the one covered in powdered sugar. It felt like French toast mixed with pudding when they tasted them, but it was sweet on their tongues. The Summers house was strangely quiet. Reagan was out trick-or-treating with friends, so it was just Todd and Dana minding the house. Quiet moments like this between them had become rare since Mary disappeared. As strained as their relationship had become in recent weeks, Todd couldn’t help but smile. He had missed just being able to spend time with Dana like this. Granted, he wished it would have been under better circumstances, but it was nice to have one moment with his wife that didn’t involve them arguing.
“...Todd?”
“Hm?”
“When you were young, what did you want your life to be like when you grew up?”
An out of the blue question, but he answered honestly. “I didn’t really have any real ambitions about what I wanted to become. I just liked reading books, doing coding on the computer, and doing whatever the hell I wanted,” Todd replied softly as he thought back on his younger self. “I was content to just be happy with whatever life sent my way, whether it be getting a high paying job or getting married and having kids. I’m grateful for what I have. I only wish Mary were here with us again.”
If he had been asked this question as a kid, Todd would have answered that he didn’t care where his life ended up. He was never gung-ho about wanting to be the best at anything, and he always hated the idea that one couldn’t be happy unless they were the head of some million-dollar company, something that a lot of teachers espoused and tried to push onto their students, him included. What was wrong with wanting to live a simple life and be content with that? Sure, his life wasn’t perfect, but Todd never regretted having Reagan and Mary, or how his life turned out.
The couch cushions shifted as Dana sat up, looking at him with wide eyes, like she saw lobsters coming out of his ears. Todd stood up to get the candy bowl, but he stopped upon hearing his wife’s voice behind him.
“...Why?”
“Why what?”
Dana scrambled out of the couch and stood up, her hair askew and eyebrows creased, balling her fists and clenching her teeth in renewed anger. “Why would you want to go back to what we had before?”
“What do you mean?” He immediately regretted asking that, as he had a feeling he knew what Dana was referring to.
“You seriously want to go back to a life where we have to constantly make sure Mary doesn’t throw a tantrum in public?!” Dana bellowed. “Where we’re constantly pinning her to the ground to get her to cooperate? Where people are looking at us, judging us, whispering behind our backs, and telling us we can’t discipline her correctly?! Where we have to always acquiesce to her every demand and let her have her way regardless of how we feel about it?!”
As much as Todd tried to control his anger, the fact that Dana was still convinced Mary was some kind of troublemaker, even with evidence proving otherwise, was too much to take. “Dana, you know as well as I do that none of that is true! Mary doesn’t have meltdowns for kicks and giggles, and a lot of the time you’re the one causing them by making a huge deal out of her stimming when it’s not necessary!”
“Oh, sure, blame it all on me! You’re not the one running yourself ragged trying to make sure she doesn’t drain us all dry!”
“Mary’s done no such thing! Why are you acting like it’s bad that she’s autistic?! She’ll always be that way! You can’t cure her no matter what you do! And frankly, I don’t want her to be cured!”
God only knew what Mary would turn out if she had never been born autistic. Mary wouldn’t be Mary without it. Todd didn’t want Mary to be anyone else except Mary. She’s been autistic from the beginning, and getting rid of her autism would be like getting rid of Mary altogether. Todd could never want that, and why Dana wanted it so bad, he didn’t know.
“It’s because of her that we can’t live the life of a normal family! You can’t tell me that you don’t wish things were different!” Dana snapped.
Different? How different? Todd couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Was Dana saying they were better off without Mary? One of her blog entries came back into his mind. Dana had mentioned that after a while, she felt relieved now that Mary was gone, claiming that she was little more than a leech who drained everyone of their energy. Did Dana never take the time to reflect on her actions even once? She was still convinced Mary was the problem and not her own actions. What was it going to take to convince her otherwise?
“The only thing I wish were different was that you hadn’t put Mary through ABA and all the trauma that those bullshit doctors made her endure!!” Todd shouted. He didn’t care that some of his spit flew into Dana’s face. He was seeing red all over again. “The only thing I wish was different was that you were actually supportive of her and love her and help her love herself in the way that she deserves!! I’ll never want Mary to be anyone except who she is! The same goes for Reagan, too! I don’t give a crap that she’s not like other kids! I don’t give a crap that we’re not normal! Normal’s a bunch of baloney anyway! Just because your mother tried to convince you that being normal is the most important thing ever doesn’t mean you get to do the same thing with Mary!!”
There, he said it. He didn’t want to bring up Dana’s mother, knowing it was a sore subject for her. But lately, he had a feeling that Dana’s problems accepting Mary as she was seemed to run deeper than just Mary being autistic. Even the mere mention of her mother rendered Dana silent, putting a swift end to the arguing. Todd took a moment to breathe, as he knew getting angry wouldn’t solve things. He had brought up the subject with her a few times before, but Dana shut them down every time.
What was the harm in bringing it up once more?
“Dana…I know your mother has always caused you problems. Still causing you problems even now,” Todd softened his voice, trying to be comforting and reassuring. He wasn’t sure if he was doing a good job at it, but he forced himself to continue. “There’s a lot from your past that you haven’t been able to really process or resolve. I think it’s bleeding into the way you treat Mary, and it’s not good for you, for Mary, for all of us. I think it might be good for you if you saw a therapist or a counselor. They might be able to help you deal with what you’ve been through and—”
“Don’t even!” Dana hissed. “I’m not crazy!”
“I’m not saying you are!”
“The fact you’re even suggesting I go to therapy says it all!” Dana shouted back. “Therapy’s for crazy people or people in the loony bin! I’m not crazy! I don’t hallucinate or see stuff that’s not there! They’ll put me on meds and make me out to be crazy when I’m not!”
Did Irene put those ideas about therapy into Dana’s head? Todd wouldn’t have put it past her if she did. Not only that, Dana had been just fine after she moved from Michigan and married Todd. She had started going back to her original nervous, self-effacing, deferential personality when Irene somehow found out where she lived and confronted them on their doorstep. Of course, it all linked back to Irene.
“Dana, that’s not what therapy is for,” Todd tried to reason with her, but even he knew she wasn’t going to budge. Yet he still tried to talk to her. Open communication was important in a relationship, right? “Therapy is meant to give you a safe space to talk to someone who can teach you healthy coping mechanisms to help you in your daily life. To help you process and reconcile everything that happened to you. One of my friends went to therapy to unlearn a lot of the things his abusive parents put him through, and it helped him immensely. I won’t force you to go, but I really think—”
“You said you wouldn’t change who I am!” Dana suddenly barked. “You told me once, on our first date…that you’d never hate me for not being perfect!”
Todd’s breath hitched. He had said that to her, way back when, after she told him about her issues with her mother. Why was she bringing that up now? Wait…his mind reeled. He did not like what Dana was spinning this into.
“And I meant it. Your mother tried to make you into something you’re not. A tool for her own performance evaluation,” Todd reminded her, wrapping his arms around his wife to pull her into an embrace. Her lithe figure trembled under his arms, and he could feel her heavy breaths on his shirt. “And it hurt you. It still is hurting you, and affecting your life. I’m not suggesting therapy because I think it’ll change you into somebody different. I just want you to get the help you need so you can enjoy life and our family. So you can process what you went through. I don’t expect you to be perfect…and you shouldn’t expect Mary to be perfect, either. ABA didn’t help her. Trying to manhandle her every time she stims doesn’t help her either, and I know it doesn’t help you.”
Before he could speak further, Dana pushed on his torso and freed herself from his grasp, shooting a glare at him. “Let me guess, you’re gonna say my blog doesn’t help either, right?”
Todd said nothing, because she was right. He had planned on saying that. A resigned sigh slipped past Dana’s lips.
“I can’t, Todd. I can’t go to therapy. If I do, everything I’ve worked for will all be for nothing. It’ll be proof that I’m a failure as a mother. I can’t meet anyone’s expectations. If I can’t keep Mary under control…I won’t live it down. Not ever…” Her voice seemed so far away as she began wobbling towards the kitchen, her body swaying back and forth like she was drunk.
It was hopeless. Completely and utterly hopeless. He tried everything. Calling her out on her actions, suggesting therapy, explaining things to her…it was all for naught. His chest felt hollow. In a way, he knew this outcome was inevitable, but didn’t want to believe it just yet. Was this how it was going to be? Dana basically confirmed that she would never accept Mary as she was. Not only that, she seemed convinced that her only purpose in life was to listen to her mother above all else. Yearning, searching for love and approval that she’d never get.
Just like Mary.
No, he couldn’t put his kids through more of this. He knew he couldn’t force Dana to get help. It had to be her decision. But at this point, Dana made her decision…and all he could see playing out before him was his family falling to ruin because of that decision.
If that was going to be the case…there was only one option now. The option that he wanted so badly to avoid.
But he could think about it later. Now wasn’t the time. There was still candy to give out.