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Published:
2021-04-28
Updated:
2021-05-02
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2/4
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A Lullaby With No Melody

Summary:

It took him not long enough to separate need and want. Hell, with the kind of childhood he’s had, he’s known almost all of his life that it’s not in his luxuries to satisfy his wants. But. Being, just, being himself? It was needed. He just knew, and he knows still, and when he forgets, when it starts being unreal, he has his family. He has Sam, he has Cas, he has Claire, and perhaps, maybe, he’ll have his Mom.

Notes:

title from Kevin Atwater's 'Koh'

Chapter 1

Summary:

The car is quiet, no music to fill the space, and both Cas and Mary watch Dean walk over to Claire. When he’s there, he opens his arms and Claire almost throws herself at him, clutching the back of his shirt in her fists. Mary looks at Cas, a little uncertain, and Cas’ eyes crinkle, something soft and wistful. When they’re walking back to the car, Dean talking, with his arm around her shoulder protectively, Mary takes in her appearance. She has blonde, long hair, wrapped in two pigtails. Her navy t-shirt is layered over with a darker flannel shirt, outfit finished with combat boots beneath her dark wash jeans. She looks just like Dean.

Notes:

mary's pov.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

“Mary,” Cas says, “Claire would prefer to sit with Dean.”  

Mary glances at Dean, who is looking at her, but averts his eyes and swallows when she catches him. He grips the steering wheel tighter. Accelerates.

“You should come sit in the back seat. When we stop, that is.” Cas clarifies. Mary looks at him from the dashboard mirror and nods.

 

 

Claire looks older than Mary assumed, as she stands at a distance with her arms folded across her chest almost defensively, eyes alert, feet tapping the ground impatiently. Dean parks the car a few feet away and gets out to get her. Mary takes this as a signal to slip in the backside. Cas shifts, making space for her and smiles awkwardly. She likes him.

The car is quiet, no music to fill the space, and both Cas and Mary watch Dean walk over to Claire. When he’s there, he opens his arms and Claire almost throws herself at him, clutching the back of his shirt in her fists. Mary looks at Cas, a little uncertain, and Cas’ eyes crinkle, something soft and wistful. When they’re walking back to the car, Dean talking, with his arm around her shoulder protectively, Mary takes in her appearance. She has blonde, long hair, wrapped in two pigtails. Her navy t-shirt is layered over with a darker flannel shirt, outfit finished with combat boots beneath her dark wash jeans. She looks just like Dean.

 

 

“Hey, Cas.” Claire greets. Her face is blotchy, dirt on her forehead and jaw, and there’s a band-aid on her left cheekbone.

She looks at Mary, then back at Cas, then to Dean. Dean nods. “Hi, Mary. Claire.” She’s smiling, but it’s foreign, Mary can tell. Reserved for strangers. Mary smiles back.

“Alright. Let’s get some food, then we can crash at a motel for the night. Get some rest.” Dean rubs his hands. “Sound good?”

Claire shrugs. Dean ruffles her hair, and she pushes him away, an annoyed smile tugging at her lips.

 



When they find a diner, Claire asks Cas if she could talk to Dean for a minute. Dean looks at Cas, communicating minus words, then tells him to order ahead. “No sala-”

“No salad on the side, yes, I know.” Cas rolls his eyes, feigning annoyance.

 



Cas leads the way, and Mary takes in the familiar atmosphere of diners. The smell of grease and something sticky, what, she can’t place, and the bustle. Three decades, and this hasn’t changed. Cas finds them a booth, sitting opposite her, and fumbles with the menu. He keeps eyeing the Impala, where the silhouettes of Dean and Claire are facing each other.

“Are they gonna be awhile?” Mary asks, breaking the silence.

Cas hums. “Maybe. I don’t...know.”

Cas looks at her, unsure, then fumbles with the menu some more.

Mary goes for it. “So she’s... your- body’s daughter?”

Cas winces. “Uh. Yes, I -. Yes.” Then, on second thought, adds, “But she’s just like a daughter to me, too.”

“And Dean?”

“He’s- he too is like a father to her, in a way.” Cas nods to himself.

Mary chuckles. “Look at us. The non-favorite parents.”

Cas grins, then frowns.

“You’re definitely Dean’s favorite parent.”

Heh, not so much. “Doesn’t feel like it.”

“No, you are,” Cas says, with a surety that pangs at her chest. “I know.”

“I- I don’t know Cas. I feel pretty shitty myself. But it’s just- hard to wrap your head around.”

Cas smiles softly at her. “Being, uh, pushed into being a human can be difficult. I’ve been there.”

“Even if you were not there.” He continues. “John made Dean, and Sam, go through so much shit that, well, a dead mother was better than him. Me though, I’m- not a very good parent. I’ve never been a teenager. Dean has, and he was a parent back then, too. In many ways. That’s why he can figure out her problems with her.”

Cas is blunt. Mary definitely likes him.

That’s not what she means, not really. She looks outside, where Dean is still talking to that girl. “Sh- he too was a teenage girl.”

Cas shifts in his seat.

“Not just that. I mean.” She huffs. “Things like this didn’t happen back then.  It’s just. Weird to understand, I guess.”

“I had a daughter.” She explains. “A son. A husband who didn’t know shit about the kind of lives we hunters have.” Cas stiffens in front of her, his hand on the table clenching into a fist. “And I don’t even remember dying but here I am. And nothing’s the same.”

Cas unclenches his fist, then flattens both his palms on the table.

“I- I don’t think it’s my place to tell you this, but Dean was- always, was your son. You were gone before he realized this and.” Cas glares at her, eyes cobalt and cold. “And I would appreciate it if you don’t hurt him. Again.”

He stops, and runs a hand through his hair. “Dean has gone through so much, and accepting himself as he is took a lot from him. Your husband didn’t make it any easier, either. He has come a long way, and I’d rather you not affect that.” He sighs. “He loves you a lot, but if you hurt him- I- don’t know how I or, for that matter, Sam, will react.”

His words have a possessive ring to them, and they shouldn’t, but it comforts Mary. She looks at her fingers, her nails blunt and thin. “Thank you. I’ll keep that in mind.”

Cas cocks his head.

“I’ve been away for... so long. I don’t know my kids. You have known them for longer. And I, I don’t know, trust you? With them?” She smiles, looking back up. Then links her fingers together. “I don’t trust myself, though.”

Cas presses his lips together. “You’ll get there.” He assures her. She hopes so, too.

 



The waitress places their plates just as the door to the diner swings and Claire enters, Dean two steps behind her.  Mary feels a stone weighing in her stomach, wanting to apologize to Dean, but for what? And how?

Claire plops beside Cas and in a gesture that is too sweet for Mary right now, fixes his tie, muttering something under her breath. Dean doesn’t sit next to her, just hovers there, uncomfortable.

Claire groans dramatically and gets up. “Fine. Sit next to your boyfriend.”

Mary can’t help but smile at the way Cas ducks his head, and Dean sputters but he sits next to him nevertheless. He whispers something to Cas who narrows his eyes and bumps their shoulders in response.

Mary looks at Claire, again, now that she’s closer. Her eyes are the same color as Cas, their nose structure the same. There’s a tear streak from the corner of an eye, blackened at the corner and wiped in fury. She is beautiful, and she has the same face as Cas, but all Mary sees is Dean. Dean, her little girl Deanna, her big son Dean.

Claire bites into a fry, then smirks. “Dean, you dress up just like your Mom.”

Dean chuckles, and smiles at Mary, face fond and bright, and perhaps, hopefully, forgiving. “Yeah. Guess I do.”

Mary smiles back.

 

 

 

Notes:

next chapter is going to be from dean's pov. thank you for reading.

Chapter 2

Summary:

Dean doesn’t really know what to make of Mary’s return. It’s been a week, yes, but, what Dean wanted was just Mary, not the reasoning that would come with it. Not the explaining, definitely not the unfamiliarity.

It’s bad. It’s- not nice. Dean never has had words to explain this, never had to, either, except to himself. And in a way, he gets where Mary’s coming from. And it was unfair of him to lash out at her. But acting emotionally adjusted? Don’t count Dean in.

Notes:

the narration progresses, this time in dean's pov.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

“Cas?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

Dean turns to face him from the other bed and sees Cas with his back propped on the headboard, feet stretched and ankles crossed, and from where Dean sees him, there’s an awry halo around his hair. “Did they not have a third room?”

 

Cas’ eyes widen just a bit, and he sits upright. “I’ll- I’ll request the management to arrange something. I’m sorry, I thought, I thought it’d be okay for me to-”

 

“Hey, hey. No.” Dean gets up. “Not for us. I meant, for Mom and Claire.”

 

Cas swallows. “Oh.”

 

Yeah, oh . Sometimes Dean thinks Cas has it worse than him, is dumber, probably more repressed, even, but that would be stretching it.

 

Instead, he gestures to Cas’ bed, “Get back there.” And gets back on his own. Bed. Two beds, each big enough for two dudes. What a waste.

 

“What about them?” Cas’ questions, sitting on the edge of his bed with his hands in his lap.

 

“Huh?”

 

“Mary and Claire. Is there... a problem?”

 

Oh. Yes, there is. Dean doesn’t really know what to make of Mary’s return. It’s been a week, yes, but, what Dean wanted was just Mary, not the reasoning that would come with it. Not the explaining, definitely not the unfamiliarity.

 

It’s bad. It’s- not nice. Dean never has had words to explain this, never had to, either, except to himself. And in a way, he gets where Mary’s coming from. And it was unfair of him to lash out at her. But acting emotionally adjusted? Don’t count Dean in.

 

So he says, “Yes.”

 

Cas just looks at him, willing him to elaborate.

 

“Uh. Morning- you saw what. Mom an’ me. In the kitchen.” He covers his face. “In the car.”

 

“Yes, are you- Did something happen, Dean?”

 

Dean sucks in a breath. He’s forgiven her, already, but. But. It’s not fucking fair. “It’s not fucking fair.”

 

Cas gets up and sits on the foot of his bed, his hips slightly brushing Dean’s bare ankles. This is a signal, keep going, I’m here, I promise . This is a pass- it’s okay, you can tell me ; and Dean takes it.

 




He tells Cas. Tells Cas how when he saw Mom sitting alone in the kitchen at dawn the first thought he had was that he wanted to leave. Fear. And then she caught him, and then she smiled at him, and then she asked him if he’d like a coffee, and Dean thought, hell, it’s gonna be okay.

 

And then Mom asked him if John made him do it. And she looked so- so afraid as if it was hurting her to ask, as if she didn’t want to ask such a question in the first place. It’s coming in waves, these words, he’s saying it out loud and it’s fucking pathetic of him to whine about his mommy issues but-

 

All the fear and uncertainty and whatever was bubbling under his stomach when he entered the kitchen was gone, and there was just anger. He left the kitchen and he didn’t respond and an hour later Mary was sitting beside him as he drove and,

 

“I wish it was you Cas. Hell of an awkward ride.”

 

Cas doesn’t smile, but there’s something on his face; Dean doesn’t want to examine it. He won’t.

 

“Dean,” Cas says, and Dean sits up, makes space for him on his bed, “Mary’s- she doesn’t understand, and that’s hardly her fault.”

 

“I know-“

 

“That doesn’t mean that she gets to be ignorant about her own son. About anyone else.”

 

Dean looks at him. Sees him, and he sees Cas look back at him, seeing him as he is .

 

“Thanks, Cas.” He means it, really fucking does, Cas has no idea.

 

Cas smiles, which turns into a smug smirk, and when Dean raises his eyebrow, shrugs. Says, “On an unrelated note, totally unrelated note”, his eyes glinting with mischief, sincere yet, “I might have insinuated that I and Sam might go rogue, if someone hurts you.”

 

Dean can’t help the laugh that erupts from his chest, and his head falls forward, just there, on Cas’ shoulder. 

 

“Did you,” snickers, “Did you threaten my mom?”

 

“Mmhmm.” Cas nods.

 

God, Dean loves him. Almost says it, then almost doesn’t. This is not about him;

 

“It’s not about me, though.” He sighs. “Claire.”

 

Cas sobers up too; his face, that is.

 

“Claire is- she came out to me.”

 

Cas raises his eyebrows, and Dean continues. “It’s okay, she was okay with me telling you ‘an Sam, that’s cool with her. But-”

 

“She came out?” Cas asks. 

 

Dean clenches his eyes shut. “Fuck. They came out to me.”

 

“They...came out to you.” Cas states, except, it’s a question.

 

“Claire.” Dean explains. “They’re non-binary.”

 

Cas’ face doesn’t change. “They?”

 

“Yeah,” Dean nods. “They’re not- a girl. And. Not a dude, either.”

 

“They.” Cas is stuck.

 

Dean chuckles. “Yeah, dude. They . Obviously they’ve always been called she, which they’re not, but they’re also not like me, I mean, they’re not a guy, so. They .”

 

Cas ponders over it for several moments. Then says, simple. “Like me.”

 

Dean was not expecting that. He really wasn’t.

 

“That’s not how it works, buddy.”

 

“Why not?” Cas frowns. “I used to have a female vessel. Then, I had this. Then for some time, Claire. Then this again. I think I- I prefer this vessel. And I guess it’s stuck with me.”

 

Dean prefers it too. The vessel.  “It’s different because. Well, for starters, are you not okay with being a man?” Dean folds his hands across his chest, like a teacher.

 

Cas’ forehead scrunches. “I suppose I am. Okay with being a man, that is.” He smiles, beautiful, so beautiful. “I actually prefer being a male.” It’s so goddamn adorable, watching Cas not really understand , but understand in the sense that matters.

 

“Well then. You’re a He. But it’s messed up, I’ll give you that. Tell you what,” Dean places a hand on his shoulder, “Once we get to the bunker, let’s ask Sam. You’re definitely somewhere on the spectrum. All we gotta do is, heh. Find your spot.” Dean winks at him.

 

Cas, for his part, that dork, nods sagely.

 

But, that’s not the point. The point is, that his best friend is discovering himself, and a kid he loves came out to him today, and he has a mom who doesn’t get it. Who with just one word, can hurt them all if she chooses to.

 

“So,” Dean continues. “Mom’s with them. And it’s- new to Claire. And, to mom. It could be- they’re already on their fight not flight mode, and well-”

 

“You don’t want Claire to get hurt.” Cas says, and Eureka! Eureka!

 

“Yes.”

 

“Would you like me to go check up on them? If Claire wants to not be with Mary, she can have my bed.”

 

“Yeah,” Dean nods. Okay. “Yeah.”

 

“Okay”, Cas says, and gets up.

 

 Dean stops him. “What about you?” 

 

Cas grins, and Dean’s insides go gooey. “I’ll watch over you.” It’s a joke, an overdone one at that, but Dean laughs, and he feels- he feels. 

 

Un afraid. He feels brave.

 

“Cas, why don’t uh- I go and check up on them?”

 

“Of course, Dean.”





It took him not long enough to separate need and want. Hell, with the kind of childhood he’s had, he’s known almost all of his life that it’s not in his luxuries to satisfy his wants. But. Being, just, being himself? It was needed. He just knew, and he knows still, and when he forgets, when it starts being unreal, he has his family. He has Sam, he has Cas, he has Claire, and perhaps, maybe, he’ll have his Mom. It’s a want, he knows that, he doesn’t need her to ‘validate’ him, words quoted by the Samuel Winchester, but a man’s gotta have hope, don’t he?





He almost knocks, but then he hears Mary laugh. Claire says something, muffled by the motel walls, and Mary laughs again, louder. Like, when Dean would try blowing raspberries on Sam’s tummy and would get spit all over his chin. She laughs like that.

 

Claire’s gonna be okay, Dean promises himself. He’ll not let her get hurt. It’s a far-fetched thought, but when Cas smiles at him when he gets back to their room, he thinks, maybe, he’s gonna be okay too. 

 

“Good night, Dean.”

 

“G’night, Cas.”

Notes:

next chapter in claire's pov :)