Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The human wouldn't stop resetting.

Over and over again, everyone would die.

Over and over again, I would become dust at the hands, and knife, of a human child who showed no mercy.  No matter how great and terrible I was amongst the royal guard, it meant nothing when the blade finally cut across my cervical vertebrae.

The constant resets gradually changed things.

I began to remember what had happened in the past, and soon it became too much to bear.  Things that had happened in this timeline didn't happen in another. I was forever locked in a battle of wills against a human child whose whims seemed to change in an instant.

Sans worried I was beginning to remember too much to function in my position as captain of the royal guard.

I persevered, despite my misgivings of what had or hadn't happened.

Then everything that could possibly have gone wrong after another reset did, and I was powerless to prevent it.

-x-

10 years before the barrier breaks

-x-

He was dead.

My brother was dead.

There were piles of dust all around me, of the guards who had joined me, but had been laid low by the human child. 

None of it mattered to me in the moment.

All that I could do was kneel, hands uselessly scraping the dust together within the clothes left behind, as if that would somehow bring him back.

Sans was dead, bu t I was still alive, if terribly wounded and very low on HP.

There had not been a reset.  

The human had not reset after Sans had intervened in our duel.

I had to take the human's soul in. I had to make this all mean something, and yet...I couldn't move.  I felt like a whisper of something passed me by, but there was no one around but the dust of the dead and one human corpse.  The whisper became louder, until I realized that what I was hearing wasn't coming from around me but within my own head.

Judge.

It whispered.

My soul churred.

No.

Sans was the Judge of monsterkind.

Not me.

Judge. The whisper echoed within.  Judge.

I couldn't speak, dread curling within my ribcage, to settle within my soul.

Suddenly, I could see.

I saw far more than I ever wished to see, and realized with a jolt that this was what Sans saw when he worked within Judgement Hall. There were s ouls flickering in the distance, of the monsters' who were still alive this time around.

It was too much.

I was seeing far more than I ever cared to see of anyone.

My hands flew to either side of my skull, clutching bone between my hands as a faint whine issued out.

Too many numbers.

Too many sins.

It was far too late for me to realize that all of those sins and ill intent closest to me were focused on me. And then all went dark, cracked painfully over my skull as I went down.

The pain and misery that followed took such a large chunk of time from my life that I chose to shove the entire experience to the farthest reaches of my mind.

It was easier to just exist, and not think at all.

-x-

5 years before the barrier breaks

-x-

Everything hurt.

My body was in a constant, deep set ache of pain that never went away.

Every unexpected sound around me caused me to cower.

Every shout garnered a cringe.

Every touch, a flinch.

But all was not as lost as I thought it had been.

I finally realized, in a rare moment of silence with no one causing me pain, that my brother had left me a far better gift than the Judge's magic.

The ability to teleport, or shortcut, as he put it.

I focused with what little effort I could manage with my broken, battered form, and was gone from that place.

Gone from the torment, to lay in the snow.

Home.

It wasn't safe, but I couldn't move.

It was...too much effort.

My bones felt brittle after all of the breaks they had endured, and I couldn't work up the energy to get myself somewhere safe.  It didn't matter that my bones began to ache even more in the cold temperature.  After everything, it didn't even register as painful or worrisome.

Sans...

No matter what I had to endure, I couldn't help but want him back, despite how often we butted skulls on certain matters.

The crunch of snow should have alerted me sooner to another's presence, but I was out of practice, for however long I had been held captive.

"Papy?"

I made no motion to lift my skull.  

"Is that you?"

This was just a trick.

Another way to torment me.

I hadn't escaped after all, had I?

"Papyrus?"

My sockets closed.

This Sans sounded in disbelief, as if he couldn't believe he was seeing me.

Had I died?

It sounded like Sans, and yet not, though whatever he was said after my name did not sink in.  But this Sans sounded older, distant, and world-weary.  Had there been a reset?  No, I wouldn't have been there had there been one.

"...Let's get you home."

One prison to another?

"Those injuries look..."  The Sans broke off, and I felt myself being maneuvered off of the cold, wet snow.  "You should be dust by now."

I did nothing.

It didn't matter any longer.

I was no longer in control.

Fighting back all those years ago had only given me pain and agony, until there was no point resisting.  It seemed safer, for now, to do as this Sans wanted.

Time passed again, as if I wasn't a part of my surroundings. My w ounds were actually treated, and I finally felt less of an ache than I had before.

I was not injured in the time I was with this Sans.

But then, there was that shift all around me.

I almost didn't recognize it.

A reset.

For the first time, hope rose within me as I pried open my sockets.

I was in a bedroom, but...

The hope died as soon as I realized that I was not truly home. I was in whatever universe my new ability to shortcut had taken me.

Despair washed over me as I slumped back in the bed.

I had truly lost my brother for good, hadn't I?  The power of the judge, and the teleportation were still mine.  

Sans wasn't coming back.

The door clicked open, and the Sans, dressed in a black uniform with red and gold trim, peered inside with wary golden eye lights.  As soon as he saw my own dim rust-colored eye lights, his expression set into a grim-faced one.  I looked away and the door clicked shut soon after.  As his footsteps faded away, my soul became heavy.

Even another universe's Sans didn't want anything to do with me.

I felt...hollow.

Empty.

A useless body double lying in a bed that wasn't mine, in a home that wasn't my own. Perhaps it would be better for this Sans if I was not there, to remind him of his lost brother.  I knew that it hurt to see him. To be reminded of my own dead brother.  I didn't look up from my cracked and broken fingers, wrapped in bandages, as the door opened some time later.

"Before the reset, I did not get the chance to ask you what you wanted."  The Sans said quietly, tonelessly, standing just inside the room stiffly.

"I want my brother back."  I said, not having to give it thought.  I knew he meant what I wanted to do about being in this universe, but I didn't care about that.

"It may be presumptuous of me, but could I...be your brother?"

Tentative.

Uncertain.

...hopeful?

I raised my skull at that to fix my gaze on the other monster.

"I know it isn't the same but..."  The Sans' voice cracked just a little before he continued on.  "I lost my brother years ago.  No matter how many resets there are, Papy never returns."

I didn't know what to say to that.

In some ways, it would fill the void in my soul of my lost brother, and yet, I knew that it would hurt both of us, to see reminders of our dead brothers daily.  And yet...and yet, I didn't want to be alone any more. Perhaps with time, we would see one another as different monsters, and not odd copies of our brothers?  With the Judge's perspective, I could see that this Sans meant what he said.  I moved gingerly to the edge of the bed and gestured to the Sans, who stepped warily closer.  I reached out and tentatively brought the Sans into a brief hug.

Hugging was something of a foreign concept to me. I could never get close to my brother like this.  There would be no brotherly hugs without it possibly being taken as affection for one's sibling, to be used against one in the future, when it was most convenient.

Kindness was weakness where I came from, and yet...I needed something to let me know that this was real, and not some hallucination caused by torture.

This...was all right.

Maybe, if this worked out, I could think of this Sans as a second brother?

The Sans awkwardly patted my shoulder before he moved away and stepped out of reach.  He looked worn thin, but straightened as a serious look overtook his expression, sharp fangs twisted at the edges in a severe frown.

"If you are going to remain, then I will need to explain this underground to you."  The Sans absently straightened his gold and black scarf, flicking it over his shoulder back into place.  "I will be expected to return to work soon. What I will do is hold out for as long as I can about your reappearance, before they put you back to work as well. There may have even been eyes on us in the woods before I brought you here, so it is debatable how much time I have to figure things out. Though I anticipate there being some negotiation to make sure that you are not dusted on sight."  The Sans stepped away, staring at the far wall.  "In the meantime, I suppose we should figure out how to address one another.  Shall we stick with Sans and Papyrus?"

"It hurts too much right now."  I finally managed to speak, though my voice was rough from disuse, and painfully quiet.  "Occasionally?

"If that is what you would like." The Sans...Sans, said with a nod. 

It was easier to think of him as Sans, for now.  But I doubted I would be able to address him as such, without admitting to myself with a certain finality that my brother was dead, and would forever be gone.

"I-" Sans' expression became discomforted as he turned back toward me.  He then looked away almost immediately, as if ashamed of himself.  "I used to call my brother 'Mutt' and other names to try and distance myself from him.  To keep him safe.  The underground isn’t a kind place."

"I will not be referred to as 'Mutt.'  I won't allow it."  I gained some life over the very thought,  "If you must refer to me by a name other than 'Papyrus', you will address me as..." I hesitated, briefly thinking of a chemistry joke my brother had told me a long time ago. "Aurum."

"Very well."  Sans agreed.  "And what would you like to refer to me as?  When there are no eavesdroppers, that is. I doubt you will address me as 'm'lord' or 'your highness'."  He let out a dry laugh at the face I surely made at those options.  "Like I said, what would you like to refer to me as, apart from captain when we're around the other guardsmen?"

"Valiant."  It slipped out as Papyrus met Sans' eye lights.

"As you wish."  Sans said with an indifferent shrug, though his fangs quirked in a brief, amused grin.  He then proceeded to launch into an explanation of the underground.

It all sounded very much like my own home, only there were a few positions that were swapped around.  Such as there being a Queen Toriel and not a King Asgore. Similarly, Alphys was part of the royal guard and Undyne was the royal scientist.  A terrifying thought, that.  Hopefully this Undyne was not as explosive in personality lest she blow up the entire underground on us all.  But when the explanation came back around to me and the position expected of me were I to stay. I nearly balked, temporarily forgetting to not fight against something I wasn't strong enough to change.

A collar.

Sans wanted me to wear a black leather collar with gold engravings on it.

There was an internal struggle as Sans waited patiently for me to decide.  He even offered me an out, as if taking my silence as a refusal.

"You can always leave, if you wish.  I don't want to force you to take my brother's place in the underground if it isn't something you're willing to take on.  I can find somewhere for you to stay, and make sure that other monsters will leave you alone.  Most will not stand against the royal guard when a decision is made."

Being alone would be worse than being expected to play some role. While I was still reluctant over the collar, knowing what it meant, I didn't want to be cast aside. Even if we weren't truly brothers, it didn't seem right to leave Sans on his own.

I accepted the collar.

They always feel heavier than they look, the collars, but the intention within this collar made me feel somewhat better about the whole ordeal I was sure to go through while learning to live in a new world.

Protection. Reliability. Loyalty.

If the monsters of this underground respected that, I would be surprised. As Sans didn't seem concerned, I assumed they must.

"The other guards may call for some form of punishment for 'my brother' being gone so long from his duties as the Judge and sentry."  Sans warned with a resigned expression.  "I will attempt to use the leverage of my position to make it more lenient.  But if you are in danger of dusting, I am taking you somewhere remote, and we will figure out what to do then."

And thus began my new life as a killer on the inside, churning with LV, but with the outward appearance of a downtrodden monster who lived only to follow his brother's orders. It was easier than thinking about my own dead brother. To know that this Sans was captain of the royal guard was jarring enough.  But being put in my place by other monsters who thought little of me (or really, of Sans' dead brother), was almost unbearable, until Sans puts an end to the harassment with a dose of what my reality had become.

Being forced to sit down and take what was a long nasty verbal lashing about how useless I was...it was demeaning. Being forced to follow Sans around the rest of the day as he continued to insult and dismiss me before others was worse. It was only the Judge's insight that prevented me from lashing out.

Sans was playing his part, and I had mine to learn.

There was always the option to leave and live on the outskirts somewhere, away from it all, but I still held enough stubbornness somewhere within me to persevere .

-x-

One year before the barrier breaks

-x-

I never expected for everything happening around me to feel so real, and almost...normal, after only a few resets within this universe over the years. But this was my life now life, and I would have to make the most of it as I was able to.

The human child who appeared at least appeared to be a pacifist, but I couldn't trust them.

Not after what the temmie of this universe, and the human child from where I had come from, had done.

It was a long year, wrought with many resets and mixed emotions.

And then...almost like a dream, it happened.

The barrier was broken, and the monsters were free.

I should have been happy or relieved to see the sky, the sunlight, but I felt nothing, standing at the entrance of the mountain that no longer trapped us. I folded when the reality of it all sunk in, losing the strength to stand as I fell to my knees, the tears slipping free to trail down from my sockets.

To others, it appeared as if I was overwhelmed with the sight.

To Valiant, whom I began to think of as my adopted brother, knew better as he placed his hand lightly on one of my shoulders.

Seeing the surface like this...it was a final, stark reminder of what we had lost, and gained.

Chapter Text

His work was never going to end.

Every day, something new was added to the growing pile.

Irritating but nothing he couldn’t handle with proper delegation of work as needed to get things rolling.

That his phone would ring when he was clearly busy meant that the universe at large was attempting to tell him to take a break.

Sans didn’t need a break.

He could work for a little while yet.

The phone went silent, before ringing again.

Urgent, then.

With great reluctance Sans leaned over and picked up the landline phone, his cell phone still being upgraded by Undyne.

“Yes?”  Sans asked sharply into the speaker, using his free hand to sort out the remaining papers on his desk.  He’d asked for an office at the embassy and had gotten it.  He’d asked for bookshelves and file cabinets, and had gotten it. He was going to need another office at this rate if the papers and files continued to come in. Not to mention Alphys' and Queen Toriel's insistence that he keep his medals and awards in sight of anyone who entered his office, meaning less place to put work related items. The medal over the delta rune on his uniform, at least, was not overly larger or glittering, and fit well with the rune. He's changed from a battle armor based uniform to one of black and gold, with red insignia woven throughout. One item he refused to do away with yet was his gold and black scarf wrapped around his cervical spine.

'Is this Sans?’

Ah, yes, the phone.

“Speaking.” Sans heard the nervousness in the voice on the other end of the line.  Either through knowing who he was, or the irritation heard in only two of his spoken words.  He was a busy monster, but not so busy that he was going to be rude.  “How may I help you?”  And how did you get this direct line, Sans left unspoken.

That became a moot point when the caller’s next words were:

'Papyrus is in the hospital.'

Sans barely heard the rest. He was already cancelling the rest of his day, inwardly swearing over what could have possibly happened this time.

They’d been on the surface for nearly two years.

One year, eleven months and ten days, to be precise.

And yet this was one of many times that Papyrus had ended up in the hospital, either by his own neglect to care for himself, or some humans deciding he was an easy target for their hate.

Sans’ arrival at the hospital didn’t ease his worries, as he had to wait to get any useful information out of anyone.  Already, monsters who walked past him gave conflicting reports about what had happened to Papyrus.  Some monsters thought he had been dusted, while others believed that he had been severely injured.  Sans refused to draw any conclusions until he has clear cut information. Beneath his stoic visage and irritable look in his golden eye lights, there was the very real worry of possibly losing another brother.

It took far too long for a nurse to locate him and take him to Papyrus.

Within the hospital room, Sans stayed back for a moment, observing his other brother.

Papyrus was awake but obviously drugged up, docile and quiet as he lie there among pillows and blankets.  There was a cast around his right wrist that went partway up to his elbow.  There were bruises on bones that were visible beneath the hospital gown, the blanket covering Papyrus from the waist up.  But what was most concerning in that moment was his HP, which sat at an alarming 0.5 HP.

Papyrus had had 15 HP that morning.

“I thought you were dead.” Sans did not have good bedside manners apart from being blunt and to the point. “This time, anyway, as no one seemed to know the state you were in when I arrived.”

Papyrus’ teeth twitched up briefly but he said nothing.

“Did humans do this?” Sans asked.

Papyrus stared down at his hands resting on the sheets, his eye lights dimmer than before.

“Aurum, what happened?”  Sans tried again.  “I can’t help if I don’t know your side of the story.”

“was headed home.” Papyrus said haltingly, avoiding eye contact.  His voice was hoarse yet soft.  Papyrus didn’t speak very often, but when he did, it was nothing like his voice had been when Sans had first met him.  Not anymore. “some humans stopped me.  i tried to walk away.  couldn’t.”  Papyrus gripped the sheets with his left hand.  “they pushed me around and roughed me up a bit.”  Papyrus finally met Sans’ eye lights.  “i didn’t use my magic. my control is long gone.”

Papyrus was still wearing his collar but Sans knew that humans wouldn’t understand the significance, and would pay it no heed.

“might have killed them.  caused problems for you.” Papyrus added, so faintly that Sans almost didn’t hear him.

It was the most Sans had heard Papyrus speak in one sitting the entire time they’d been living on the surface.

“Rest.” Sans curtly told him. “I will take care of it.  There will be no charges brought against you.”

Papyrus lapsed back into silence, his phalanges fidgeting again with the sheets over his lap.

Sans sat rigidly in the chair and waited for Papyrus to fall asleep. It does not take very long, as exhausted as Sans assumed Papyrus had to have been with such low HP. Sans had some calls to make once he knew Papyrus would be all right.  His other brother had been through enough in his life, that Sans knew of from what little Papyrus told him.

Papyrus shouldn’t have to deal with some humans and their hate of monsters coming to the surface, wrongly thinking they were invading ‘their’ home.

It seemed that Sans would again have to put a on hold his invitation to one of his few human friends to visit the house.  Despite this human not being a threat to Papyrus, Sans would not put him on the spot, expecting him to be good company after what had just happened.

Another time, perhaps, when things had settled down, and Papyrus had time to heal.

It was difficult.

Papyrus always seemed to be healing, but nothing ever changed for him.

Sans wanted that to change.

He wanted him to be happy.

Their brothers may be gone, but they still had one another.

When Papyrus was asleep, Sans rose and left the main part of the hospital to go to a courtyard.

Time to make some phone calls.

Chapter Text

I refused to leave the house.

What did the outside world, the surface, have to offer me but hate for my existence, and any pain that may come from it?

I could barely sleep when I returned from the hospital, and only managed brief naps, when I could sense that Sans was in the house with me.  To me, that meant there would be no attacks, and that we were as safe as could be.

It wasn't enough in that moment.

One too many instances of humans harassing me and being violent toward me, but the human authorities did nothing other than hint that it had been my fault.  The monster embassy did their best to introduce regulations that would make there be a stiffer penalty for harming a monster for no reason other than them being a monster.

It made me sick it even had to be spelled out.

Food was a distant thought.

I only ate when I remembered what the gnawing ache in my soul meant.

Sans usually brought the groceries home, and I had a safe place to sleep if I was able to.

What reason was there for me to leave the house?

It was safer at home anyway, more so than out in the open with all those humans around.

It was safest in my bedroom.

Especially my closet, that I set traps on the outside of.

Sans didn't force me to come out of my bedroom, as he was well aware of my troubles with humans and monsters alike. He and I both knew that pushing me about in a way to help me gain courage in social situations would not end well and lead only to resentment. Some things were deeply ingrained within me, and while I might not be able to recall why any longer, I knew that some memories of the past were best left forgotten. But the memories themselves never truly left me completely, which meant that my trust issues were deep, and the humans that had sent me to the hospital only made those issues harder to deal with.

It was as if I expected to be stabbed in the back by everyone around me apart from Sans.

Today, when I woke up, I found that it was hard to want to do anything but stay in my room.

I was huddled on my bed, which I suppose was an improvement from being wrapped up in blankets and lying prone on the bed, or being locked away behind my closet doors.  The hood of my black jacket was drawn up over my skull, my arms wrapped around myself in a tight hug of sorts as I stared at nothing in particular.

If I didn't think, it didn't hurt.

The quiet helped.

My jacket was worn thin, the hood holding out with its silly floppy ears hanging off the top. It was a comfort, to wear it on days like these. It was the first new piece of clothing I'd received in this new universe, when I first appeared in it.

I sucked in a slow, shuddering breath.

No.

It was better to not think of it like that, lest I spiral down into a dark place.

Those days were the hardest.

My arms arms tightened around myself, holding so tight my bone creaked in protest.

This was my universe.

Mine, where I'd received this jacket as a gift from my brother.

The darkness at the edge of my vision diminished.

My usual jacket was black and gold, with red accents.

Closing my sockets, I focused on my breaths. They were short and shuddery. The faint ache from my right wrist grounded me, but I was aware enough to not aggravate the healing injury.

Pain.

It seemed like something of a constant in my life.

If I was being selfish, I yearned for a gentle touch. For someone to not hurt me when they got close to me.

Sans didn't harm me, but he wasn't very touchy feely apart from a few awkward brotherly hugs in the safety of our home.

No monster was very willing to let another get close, what with the high chances of a weapon being embedded on in their backs, making them fall to dust.

I did my best to not think of my past.  All I remembered was that I had never been treated decently, apart from a very old memory of my dead brother holding me close to his chest, when I was only a babybones. A faint memory of being reassured by that gruff voice of a monster who had only been a few years older than me.

Maybe I would never experience the touch I sometimes yearned for. To be in another's company, and not be turned away, or hurt.

Being on the surface had changed nothing.

I was still alone for the most part, as Sans was almost always at work now every day of the week, for a majority of the day.  He was usually around for breakfast, and only sometimes for dinner, Sans' work running him ragged more and more with every passing day.

He wouldn't even notice if I was gone...right?

I blinked, then slid off the bed and stood with a slow sigh, working out any aches.

I couldn't do that to Sans.

He would grieve for me if I ever just gave up, and I didn't want Sans to have to go through losing another brother again.

I exited my room, and headed down the stairs, where Sans was going through his morning routine.

Sans paused when he saw me thump down the stairs wearing my old jacket and sweat pants, with bare feet.

"Good morning, Aurum."

I sat down at the table and stared at it for a moment, before mumbling.  "Morning...Valiant."

Sans' expression was a little less of a scowl when I looked up.

It was...good, to see him not worry.

I would try, for Sans, even if that meant I would have to leave the house at some point.

Chapter Text

The cast had come off yesterday.

A healer had stopped by the house to check on it.  Once she saw that it had 'healed nicely', the cast was removed, and I could finally have free range of my hand again.  I waited until the healer left the house, before bringing my hand up to study it.  There were faint, barely there lines from where the bone had broken.  Soon enough, it would merely mix in with all of my old scars.

I dropped my hand.

There wasn't any need to stare at the scarred and chipped bone. It led me down unhappy trails of memory, and I couldn't let them hold me back today.

I was careful to dress as innocuously as I could, impatiently digging through my closet.

Long sleeved button-up shirt beneath my jacket, buttoned up all the way to hide my scarred collarbone and old burns on my vertebrae.  The collar, not a shock collar, was snug against my bones with the buttoning of my button-up shirt, but I didn't care as I zipped my black and gold jacket up with its red zipper, and flipped the hood up over my skull. I stopped just short of wearing a mask and a taping a pair of glasses to my skull.  Sans would wonder what was going on, and he would already question why I was wearing a pair of black gloves, and had the audacity to actually wear socks.  Satisfied I would be as unnoticeable as possible in public, I stuck my feet into a pair of sneakers by my door, dutifully tied them, and then headed downstairs for breakfast.

One searching look told me that Sans already caught on to my plans to become invisible to the human eye, but to his credit, he said nothing as he brought plates of food over to the table.

No cold lasagna or those horrid burritos today.

Thank the stars.

I hadn't realized just how hungry I was until I went through three plates of food. My magic was desperate to incorporate the monster food into energy and as it did, I received a little boost to my HP, bringing it to a grand total of 12 today. I didn't speak at the table, only ate and drank the coffee that Sans had provided, as Sans himself did similarly.  Just as the dishes were being dealt with, I caught Sans as he was about to go out the door. Or rather, I stood in front of it, wringing my hands absently as I met his eye lights before staring down at my shores.

"Would you like to come with me to work?"

I shook my head, but didn't move.

"I can drive us both to the embassy, and you can go wherever you will from there?"

I thought about it, before giving a hesitant nod, forcing myself to drop my hands to my sides as I shuffled out of the way to let Sans out the door.

"You don't have to leave if you're not ready."  Sans told me.

I stepped out of the house past him for the first time in two weeks, and got into the passenger side of the car. I'd been tempted to shortcut inside, but even years later, I still was not entirely confident appearing in one place from another.

Sans didn't say anything as he locked up the house, got in the car, and drove to the embassy.

I lingered inside of the embassy with Sans for a short time, but soon, I couldn't stand all the eyes on me, ranging from curiosity to pity. 

Curious, because many monsters, and humans, didn't often see me.

Pity, because the monsters knew why I tended to linger out of sight.

Without a word, I slipped out the front door of the building and headed for a park that was only a few miles from the embassy. Fresh air, it turned out, was a good thing for me.  It settled my agitated soul, especially when I was feeling uneasy. Hugging myself tightly with my arms, my fingers tapped restlessly as my eye lights flicked back and forth. While my outfit did well concealing the fact that I was a monster, my glowing eye lights gave me away if one looked too closely at me.

For the most part, it had been a good idea to take a walk in the park.

But soon, I felt on edge.

The humans kept glancing at me as I passed them by. 

It wasn't so bad until a group of teenagers came along that managed to set me off.

I couldn't even keep track of their heckles and jeers, as I was desperately trying to ignore them. I had to ignore their words, in order to focus on keeping a hold of my magic that sparked at the ready.  While I no longer fought anyone, or dusted them, it was instinctive to want to defend myself.  I nearly lost the tiny thread of control I clung to when I was rudely shoved off the path by one of the teenagers.  I went with it, veering further off the path, and continuing on at a quicker pace, not looking back.  I had almost...almost turned and sent an attack their way. The intent, mixed with KR, would have been potent, if the teenagers happened to have any LV.

They didn't.

I'd unwillingly 'saw' them in that split moment.

Thankfully, the humans didn't follow me, but it didn't prevent me from hearing their laughs, or they way one shouted 'coward' as I retreated.

The comment struck me the wrong way.

There was an ingrained part of me taking offense to the word 'coward'. But I lost the thread of anger almost as quickly as it had come.  I moved away through the trees, to avoid being stared at by bystanders who did nothing to intervene.  Within a few minutes, I found a quiet place hidden from the nearby path and sat down heavily, quivering as my hands tightly gripped either of my humerus.

I hung my head.

I wouldn’t cry.

I refused.

This was nothing.

Nothing at all compared to the hell I had been put through in the past.

The resets.

The constant torture.

The abuse that should have shattered my soul.

My brother gone, never to come back.

The confrontation two weeks ago had certainly been worse, when considering some of the interactions I'd had with humans on the surface.

This time, it had just been words, and a callous shove.

Nothing to cry over.

Footsteps approached me.

I was unable to prevent a faint whimper, hunching over.

Footsteps.

Footsteps approaching me, always ready to bring with it pain for any back talk or possible resistance.

"Are you all right?" A voice asked from a short distance away.

The footsteps had stopped.

No pain was forthcoming.

"I would have asked right after it happened, but I decided to make sure it was reported to the embassy."  The voice hesitated over the way my bones were rattling but continued on.  "Those teens shouldn't bother you again."

I risked peeking from beneath my hood to look at the human, but only got a general impression of them, nothing defining, before I stared down at my lap.  I didn't 'see' them, thankfully.  It was a jarring experience if I wasn't prepared for it.

"You're not hurt, are you?"

I couldn't speak. 

This human...why were they asking me if I was fine?

Why would they care about how a random monster felt?

I heard the human shifting from foot to foot, and cringed back instinctively.

Unless I was mistaken about this human's intentions?

...Did I need to defend myself after all?

If I was wrong, and accidentally killed someone, I would causing problems for other monsters, such as revealing my LV.  Thankfully, it was a private number for all monsters who had come to the surface, on account of the war from the past.  There was a good reason to keep that LV was private.  Mine happened to be higher even than Queen Toriel's, and she had been in the war.

I had not been.

I wasn't even from this universe and I-

No.

Don't think about that.

The human...

I focused on the human who still lingered nearby.

Were they...waiting for me to speak?

I...found that I couldn't move from my spot, and at the sound of the human smothering a cough, I made myself a smaller target by huddling up on the bench. Why wouldn't the human just leave me alone? Couldn't they see that I didn't want to...to engage with them? Was it not enough that I had already been harassed in the past and present enough to last me a lifetime? 

"This might seem a bit strange, but it doesn't sit well with me to just leave you here all alone after that..."  The human hesitated, as if uncertain.  "But I think you'd like to be left alone?  Just...will you be all right if I leave you be?"

I gave a single, jerky nod, relieved beyond measure that I wouldn't have to do more than that. At least, I hoped that meant the human would leave me in peace.

“Okay, then..."  The human began to walk away.  "Your walk back to the embassy should be better than the walk here.  Security is keeping an eye out.” The footsteps faded away, leaving only the ambient sound of nature in its wake.

Alone again.

I closed my sockets, letting out a rush of breath as I curled up.  Bringing my shoes up onto the bench to wrap my arms around my legs, I pressed my face to my knees, blocking out the world for a time.

That had gone...well.

There had been no intent to harm in the human who had just left.  They had merely been checking on me, as they had said. It was strange, to think that a human would care if an unknown monster was harassed on the street, in the park, or anywhere, really. Perhaps...I would stay here for a time, if security was about, keeping an eye on things.

Fresh air really did well for me that day, and the current calm of the park, mixed in with the chirping of birds, was my temporary solace.

Chapter Text

'Give him another shock.'

Agonizing pain raced through my body the shock collar tight around my neck activated.  There was little give in how tightly wound it was around several of my vertebrae, to ensure the snugness so that the sharp prongs cruelly pressed directly between the bones of my cervical vertebrae.  

'Another.'

It was the same as it had been the past several times they'd done this.  

I was becoming numb to the shocks, as I was doing my best to not think.  To merely be a body that was being tormented, while my mind focused on what I wanted to cook for dinner that day.  But it wasn't to be.  My captors were smarter than the average ones, and they caught on to me trying to distance myself from the torture they'd decided on.

'Seems he ain't interested in paying attention.  Make it stronger.'

The next shock that tore through my body from the shock collar nearly dragged out a cry of pain. I didn't allow such a thing to happen. I would not give these fools the satisfaction of knowing they were well on their way to breaking me.

'C',mon, Captain .  Don't you want to tell us off for this? Dust us, maybe?  Add a little EXP to the pile you already got?'

A sharp kick to my ribs drew out a grunt.

'Try that continuous shock setting!  I wanna see his HP go down.'

Another harsh kick, followed by some laughter.

I took the hit soundlessly this time.  It didn't matter how much they picked at me. They were barely touching my HP as it was and-

The shock collar went off again, and didn't stop. The current seemed to grow stronger the longer it remained on.  I writhed silently in agony, aware that my HP was beginning to tick down.  If possible, the electricity grew stronger. I barely bit back a scream as some of the monster' around me decided to attack me with their separate magic, all the while letting the shock collar torment me.  My vertebrae beneath the collar, as well as above and below, felt as if it were losing sensation. The prongs made those particular bones feel-

A harsh, shuddering breath escaped me.

I would not break down in front of them.

I would not-

The crack of my femur, along with one radius and ulna finally dragged out the scream that my captors had been waiting for. The pain drew out, nearly causing me to black out, the marrow from the broken bones falling-

Screaming followed me into wakefulness, into a dark bedroom, though there was no audible screaming.

It was soundless.

A barely there sound, so as to not draw attention to myself.

I couldn't make out if there was anyone around me, waiting to pounce, so I lashed out with magic in every direction.  They wouldn't touch me again. I wouldn't wear that shock collar ever again and-

There was a collar around my neck.

It wasn't as tight as the other one had been, but there it was, hanging around my cervical vertebrae. Any moment now, and the collar would activate, sending an agonizing, lingering pain that would never quiet leave me, even when it wasn't active.  The collar was always being used to zap me.  My captors loved to watch me writhe around on the ground in pain depending on the intensity of the setting.  

Right now, I had to be calm.

If I fought back, or attempted to remove the collar, I would be in for a world of pain. I would know, since it had happened many times before I finally gave up. As it was, I was already sure to have set off the motion sensors, but if I didn't resist, then I was only in for mild discomfort before being left to my own devices.  

No one came.

That was wrong.

They always came, delighted to make me suffer in any way possible.

So why...?

The door opened.

Ah, there they were.

I did nothing to hide the attacks I had already sent out, but I did lay still on the bed, making no move to get up. The sooner I accepted the punishment, the sooner I would be left alone in relative peace and quiet.

"Aurum?"

The voice sounded like my brother, but not quite.  It lacked any of the easy humor Sans managed to find in this hellhole.

Was this some new form of torture?

"Papyrus!"

Skeletal hands were suddenly on either side of my face as another skeleton's face (Sans?) appeared before me, their golden eye lights fixed on my own.

"Can you hear me?"

I let out a huff. 

Of course I could hear him, but was that what my captors wanted?

Something didn't seem right.

"I need you to breathe for me, all right?"

It was only then that I noticed that my breaths had been coming in short gasps, my bones rattling, outwardly showing my unease.

My sockets closed.

I was hallucinating.

I had to be.

Sans was dead.

He wasn't coming back.

"It's Valiant, Aurum."  The Sans impersonator said firmly.  "You're safe.  We're on the surface."

The surface was a far-fetched dream, far out of reach of a monster like myself.

The shock collar, among other things, had been what had broken me. Between the collar and my bones being methodically broken and healed over and over, I finally stopped caring what happened to me. But I could never bottle it up completely and fade away from the present.  My captors made certain I had enough awareness left to suffer.

"Aurum." The hands moved to my shoulders.  "Papyrus.  You need to come back."

Back to where?

I was trapped.

We all were trapped beneath the mountain.

My cervical vertebrae still felt numb from where the collar had been wrapped painfully tight to optimize the pain of the shocks. There wasn't much sensation there and I didn’t know if it was because I didn’t think there was, or if it truly was numb. It ached on rainy days, and cold ones, just enough that I sometimes couldn’t get out of bed without hitching sobs as my other old injuries ached as one-

Wait.

Old injuries.

Rain falling in sheets against the windows...the leaves falling in brilliant colors.

The underground didn't have that.

The hands on my shoulders suddenly made more sense, and I sucked in a sharp breath, letting it out shakily.

"Aurum?"

"i..i am here, val..." I managed to whisper out.

It was Sans.

Valiant.

I wasn't in that place anymore.

We weren't underground.

"I am concerned for you." Sans let go of my shoulders and began to pace, before he stopped and turned toward me, hands clasped behind his back.  "We have been on the surface for nearly two years, and yet you are worse off than when we were underground.  These nightmares have increased, Papyrus.  Don't think I haven't noticed all the times you remain awake for days on end to stave off slumber."  Sans took a breath, hesitated, before he added, softly, carefully, "I would like it if you were to take up the embassy's offer to get evaluated. To see what help could be offered.  Other monsters have taken advantage of this after it had been set up and-"

"NO! I REFUSE TO DO SUCH A THING!"  I surprised myself with how forcefully I denied the offer. It was the first real emotion I'd had in a long time, apart from being distant and quiet.  I couldn't handle the thought of someone knowing what had happened to me, to judge me for who I was now.  I couldn't handle it.  I could adjust to the surface just fine on my own. It just might take more time than I thought it would initially.

"Will you at least keep it in mind as an option?"  Sans asked, his eye lights watching me, concerned.

That look.

It was hiding something.

When Sans turned away, I Checked him with the aid of the Judge, and just as quickly dropped it when I saw the text. 

*he worries you will end up like his brother

Of course.

What a fool I was.

Sans' brother was dead because he had never asked for help, as he hadn't wanted to be a burden.  Or so I assumed, from Sans' brief mentions of what happened.

"sans."  I managed to choke out, without stumbling over his name. "i can't right now."

"All right."  Sans took that for what it meant. That I would seek him out if and when I was ready to speak to someone. "Are you going to come down and have breakfast today?"

I gave a stiff nod. I would not worry Sans after one of my nightmares.  Of my other troubles I kept to myself. We both had enough of our own demons from our past that he didn't need to worry about mine.  Those were for me to handle, for as long as I could. If I did some research later that night about what the embassy offered during their evaluations, Sans didn't say anything about it when he passed by to get ready for bed. If Sans noticed that I went out more often and didn't linger at home, he didn't point it out to me, and merely drove me places if I asked to be taken, before or after his work.

I would attempt to integrate with the humans, like the Queen wanted us to, even if I was nearly two years late.  But I wasn't feeling hopeful to find common ground with humans. It was a relief to return home each day, if a little lonely, as I barely interacted with anyone, human or monster, even when I was out among them.

Maybe that would change.

Maybe it wouldn't.

Tomorrow would come, and I would face it when it came.

Chapter Text

Another day, another morning that I didn’t want to get out of bed.

It was ludicrous. 

I remembered, from a time that seemed so long ago, that I would always be up early to start my day.  Much like Sans did now when he started his, and would come to wake me up. I don’t recall when I began to lose the will to get up and go, energized with hardly any hours of sleep. Maybe it began when it first sunk in that I would never be going back to my home universe.  It wasn’t that I cared for that terrible place, but if I wasn’t there, then I would never have the slimmest chance to see my brother again.

Yes, that was when it had to have begun.

I had nearly Fallen Down with the knowledge that I couldn't go back. That I had gained my brother’s shortcut ability, and the magic of the Judge that he had held.  If not for Valiant, this universe’s Sans, I may have Fallen and never come back, until my body finally dusted.  Valiant had been practical, not telling me what to do, but giving me options and letting me make my own choices. To give this universe a chance, whether or not I wanted to remain there with him.  When I was doing a little better, Valiant set a strict schedule, to give my mind something to be occupied with, so that I did not dwell on my losses.

The schedule was not the same as it had been in the underground, but I kept one, for the most part, when I was able to get out of bed for the day.

It hadn’t been easy, back then.

It wasn't easy now, but it was...better than before.

Before, even with the schedule, I still struggled to find my place in a universe that was not my own.

That had been when Sans offered me choices.

To fend for myself in a place Sans could find for me, remain in the house and not leave, or to make an attempt to masquerade as Valiant’s dead bother.  I knew I had been tempted to just leave, to not be seen, so as to not inconvenience this monster that somewhat resembled my dead brother, but for the lack of a missing gold tooth, and the way this monster had two scars over his right socket.

I remembered what Valiant had, when I decided to stay. 

How he didn’t expect for me to be exactly like his brother, as it would only hurt the both of us.

It was luck that Valliant’s brother was quiet for the most part.  And no one would even question the single scar over my left eye socket.  This underground wasn’t kind, much like mine, and there would be no questions, lest anyone think they would face Sans’ wrath for causing the injury. Or for me to track the responsible monster down and do it myself.  The others could see my LV, and would likely back down, not daring to harass me.

They had respected the LV.

For a time, anyway.

The similarities of this world, the rough and unforgiving part of it anyway, helped me acclimate to my new home.

But…the past should remain the past.

I was living on the surface now, as I kept reminding myself.

With a sigh, I shook myself from the memory and sat up on my bed.  I waited for a moment, to see if I was going to just fall back down onto the bed, thinking it better to just sleep the day away.  When I remained upright, I took a breath and let it out, before sliding off the bed.  I got dressed haphazardly, not really caring what I might wear today.  Then, I stopped, and reconsidered.  More carefully, I chose a plan black t shirt and my usual jacket, tugging on some jeans, and slipping on not often worn boots.

It felt…better.

I felt better.

More put together.

I still tugged up the hood over my skull, before exiting my room and heading downstairs, where I silently sat down at the table, as I usually did.  I met Sans’ eye lights, and gave a slow nod.

Sans wordlessly set a cup of coffee in front of me, as he went back to whatever he was cooking in the kitchen.  He must have heard me moving about my room and went to cook a fresh breakfast, instead of one he may have stored in the fridge for me for later, had I not come down.

I wrapped a hand around the mug, clicking at it with my claws, before staring at the table. When Sans returned with a plate of food, I found my voice.

"val?”

“Yes, Aurum?” 

“I want to go into town today.” 

There. 

I got it out. 

I was just fine, if I was able to speak to my other brother, right?

“I can drop you off on my way in to work.”  To Sans’ credit, he didn’t address the fact that I did not sleep at all last night.  He could likely tell by the dark circles that were scored beneath my sockets.

I would sleep when I was able to.

For now, I was going to get up and keep going, whenever I found the energy to leave my room, and my bed.

Chapter Text

Sans deeply regretted bringing Papyrus to the city. 

Specifically to the mall.

It had been pure dumb luck that Sans recalled at the last moment that he had taken the rare day off if work. He’d done so at the time to better gauge how Papyrus was doing after his latest run-in with human cruelty.

This meant that Sans tagged along with Papyrus into the mall.

So there Sans was now, inside of a department store, with Papyrus holed up in one of the restroom stall, who was trying very hard to not let Sans hear his breakdown. But it was hard to muffle choked back sobs when the bathroom was empty.   The accompanying keening of Papyrus’ soul made Sans want to drag Papyrus out of that stall, take him straight to the embassy, lock him in a room, and get him the help he needed. 

Surviving his terrible home universe, living through whatever happened to him before coming to this universe, masquerading as Sans’ brother, coming to the surface. It was all so much for one monster to handle on their own. So many other monsters had sought out aid once on the surface, and yet, Papyrus had not.

But Sans couldn’t, wouldn’t, force Papyrus to get that evaluation or to take the resulting offered aid. It would completely shatter what little trust was between them.

“Hey, Sans!”

Sans turned away from the stall, bristling a little. His emotions and LV were already riled enough from worrying about Papyrus that he wasn’t much in the mood for idle conversation with anyone. But at least he recognized the human who had entered the department store bathroom.  Sans’ shoulders relaxed, dismissing his waiting magic as he gave a curt nod to his human friend. It still baffled him to have such a thing, when before his job had been to capture humans. At most, Sans felt he would merely tolerate a human’s presence.

“I guess this is an odd place to say hello, but I saw you come in here. Thought I’d come in and ask how you’d been?”

Sans gave y/n a once over. 

They looked well, compared to the last time he had seen them.

Sans still couldn’t believe y/n had gone and blew up their kitchen with an experiment they had sworn up and down was perfectly safe.

The fire department and police had another version of that story.

Y/n had truly been lucky to not be evicted from their little apartment for that stunt.

“I am well enough.”  Sans looked back to the stall, before looking back to y/n.  “Today is my day off.”  As expected, he watched as you feign utter amazement.

“No way! I didn’t think it was possible for you to drag yourself away from work for so long.” Y/n waited a beat.  “You going to go in at midnight?  Start out your day super early to get caught up?”

A smothered laugh emitted from behind the stall door.

“Oh.  I didn’t know someone else was in here.”  

“Yes, there is. I do not take to standing in front of restroom stalls, doing nothing.”  Sans said in a deadpan voice, his fangs betraying a wry smile.  He lowered his voice.  “This may be a bad time to chat.  My brother is not having a good day.”  Sans gestured to the closed stall.

“Bad huh?”  Y/n faced the stall and spoke sympathetically.  “I hate department stores too.  They tend to bore me to tears.”

Another huff of soft laughter.

Sans shook his head in exasperation, but before he could reply, his phone rang. His sockets closed briefly in irritation.  “I need to take this.”  Sans gave the stall a furtive look before he met y/n’s eyes.  “Would you talk to him? He may not answer, but it would be good for him to hear a voice.”  Sans stepped away, toward the entry to the restroom, and answered his phone.  Sans found himself listening more to y/n than to who was on the other end of the line.

Y/n went to go stand in front of the stall. “Can you hear me?”

No response.

“Well, you laughed before, so I guess you can.”  Y/n continued on.  “I guess I was right about Sans not being able to keep away from his work.”

Still not response, but there was a little shift behind the stall.

Sans tuned back in to the call. It would be best if he could get it wrapped up quickly. When Sans finally got off the phone, he was surprised to find the stall door cracked open.

Papyrus’ eye lights were staring curiously at y/n, who’d stepped back to give Papyrus some space. 

Sans received another surprise when Papyrus spoke aloud haltingly.

“you were at the park.”

Well now, that was interesting.

“I was.”  Y/n hesitated.  “Are you doing a little better after that?”

Papyrus offered a noncommittal shrug.

“Yeah, that’s how I feel about going out into public on any given day.”

There was a flicker of a smile before it was gone, and Papyrus retreated back into the stall, shutting the door.

“Well, I got to get going. I’m on the hunt for a new shirt to replace the ones that caught on fire.” 

Sans gave them a narrow look.

“I had fire extinguishers on hand!” Y/n said defensively, hunching their shoulders up.

“Would you like to come to dinner later this week?” Sans asked, smoothly leaving the matter alone.

“If your brother doesn’t mind.”  Y/n said.

Ah, good.

They were hopefully picking up on why Sans had to cancel the dinner plans as often as he did.

“Aurum?”  Sans asked, as he stepped closer to the stall.

There was a short silence, then a single knock on the stall door.

One knock.

Yes, he was listening.

“Does 6 this Friday work?”  Sans questioned. 

Another knock.

”Does that time work for you?” Sans directed to y/n.

“That works for me.” Y/n confirm.  “Catch you later, Sans!” Y/n turned to the stall.  “Bye, Aurum, nice to meet you.”  Y/n left the restroom.

The stall door opened a few minutes later. Papyrus slunk out, his hood drawn low over his skull, but he wasn’t hugging himself, and that was a good sign.

“Ready to go?”  Sans questioned.

Papyrus nodded, silently following Sans out of the restroom.

Sans wondered what was bouncing around in Papyrus’ skull.  He was wearing a rather thoughtful look. Sans supposed he would hear about it, if Papyrus decided he wanted to say something. In the parking lot, Sans stopped walking, Papyrus bumping into him with a soft sound of confusion.

“I called you Aurum.” 

Papyrus said nothing.

“I should have introduced you to y/n with your actual name.” Sans fretted, scowling to himself at the slip-up.

“it’s not my name so much. not anymore.”  Papyrus murmured as he passed by Sans to the car.  “aurum is fine.”

Chapter Text

There was a human in the house. 

I’d forgotten that Sans’ human friend was coming over for dinner today. I hadn’t been thinking about it until the time had come. In that moment, when there was a knock on the door, I found that I…wasn’t as ready for there to be a human in a place I considered safe.

My house.

My home on the surface.

It was too much.

I should have told Sans to call dinner off, but instead, I’d gotten it in my head to go hide.

If I hid, then I wasn’t ruining dinner. If I hid, then Sans could at least have something to eat. My soul was too agitated to even think about food, my magic roiling just beneath the surface as my LV made my senses almost overly alert.

No.

I couldn’t risk being at the table like this, acting as if I was cornered and needed to defend myself. Even if it was something of a rarity to experience that now, I knew I wouldn’t jeopardize monsters living on the surface by lashing out violently at a human.

So I went through with hiding.

I really should have just gone to my room.

Instead, there I was, stuck in the cupboards beneath the entertainment system in the living room. Removing the shelves and flimsy barriers between each cupboard, I'd made just enough space to fit my tall frame.  

Barely.

I was lucky the cupboards were as deep as they were, otherwise I'd be fully stretched out, and unable to curl up.

Whether I would be able to get out on my own remained to be seen. It was always a tossup any given day whether I felt confident enough in my ability to teleport. Today, I was not feeling entirely confident in my own abilities, therefore, I was not going to make an attempt to leave the space via magic.

My sockets closed as I relaxed in the darkness.

The sound of Sans bustling around the kitchen could be heard distantly.

It was a small, dark space.

It was safe.

I was safe here.

Nothing could get to me. 

Everything would be just fine.

Sans wouldn’t let a human harm me.

Not in our own home.

And I knew that this particular human had been nothing but kind to me, the past two times I'd had come across them. But that didn’t mean they would continue to be kind.

This human clearly wanted something.

From me or Sans.

My arms tightened around my legs as I clutched them close to my chest, my face pressed my knees.  If I stayed here, it would be as if I disappeared. 

I would remain unharmed.

Safe.

“Aurum? Dinner is ready!”

I twitched, part of me wanting to heed the call. But I couldn’t leave the a safe space like this, so I curled up as tightly as I could.

I was out of the way here.

Invisible.

There was a sudden knock on the cupboard door. The one closest to my head. I let out a thin sound of distress before clenching my fangs together.

No.

I couldn’t make a sound

I couldn’t, they would-

“It’s me, Valiant.”

I relaxed incrementally, but otherwise didn’t move.

“Are you going to be able to come out?”

I squeezed my arms around my legs as a whine slipped out of me.

No.

Quiet.

I had to be silent.

“Y/n won’t hurt you, Aurum.”  Valiant said calmly.  “I wouldn’t have let them come, if I thought that may be a concern.”

“v...val…” My sockets squeezed shut, my bones rattling softly, before I forced myself to still.  Swallowing with a dry click, despite not truly having a throat, I managed a breathy, tight.  “can’t.”

“Would you try opening the door of this cupboard a crack?  Y/n and I will stay in the dining room.”

“I’ll try.”  I whispered into my knees.

“Don’t do it, if it is too much for you right now.” 

With that, I heard Sans stand, and walk away.  He didn’t try to open the door or otherwise pressure me to come out.  Dishes could be heard being set down, followed by the low murmur of voices. I fidgeted, but kept my sockets closed as I let the familiar sounds of a meal being shared wash over me.  Slowly, ever so slowly, I cracked the cupboard door open a crack.

Sans’ eye lights met my own. After that brief acknowledgement, Sans went back to eating and conversing with the human.

With…y/n?

I remained where I was, within the cupboard, as I watched y/n and Sans interact with one another.

This was okay.

It seemed safe.

I slowly pushed the cupboard open fully, and began the tedious process of unfolding my large frame out of the small space. When it looked like the human was turning their head to see what the noise was, I shortcut without thinking. I reappeared partially behind the arch of the open doorway that led to the front entryway of the house.

Interesting.

I didn't think I had it in me to teleport today.

“Hi Aurum.”  Y/n said, once they caught sight of me.

I ducked behind the wall out of sight, my soul churning with unease. Swallowing nervously, I peered out from behind the arch, and gave a nervous little jerk of my skull to the human in acknowledgment of their greeting before hiding again.

That was enough for one day.

I slipped up the stairs, confidant that Sans would be safe. The Judge showed me there was no cause for concern with the human, but it was harder for me to accept that.  Humans were still an unknown to me, with their intentions toward monsters a split between hatred, curiosity and kindness. 

Chapter Text

It was a dreary day.

But even such a gray, almost rainy day couldn’t prevent you from thinking back to yesterday evening.

When you’d first met Aurum, you didn't think you’d imagined how incredibly anxious he was to be in your presence.  Which, to be fair, made sense, since he had just gotten away from a rude group of teenage humans who had just been harassing him. They'd even pushed him off the path, which had sent Aurum continuing off the path and further away from other people.  It was why you’d kept your distance when you came back to the park to check up on him.

But you knew why today's gray day felt even more depressing than usual.

You felt guilty for accepting Sans' offer to come over to his house for dinner, especially after you saw how Aurum acted.  But Sans had said it was all right, and apparently, some knock on the stall door in the department store restroom meant Aurum was fine with you coming over as well.

You should have known better.

You’d known other people who put themselves in uncomfortable situations to make their friends and families happy.

You honestly had not anticipated someone as tall and bulky as Aurum to be able to even fit in those cupboards beneath the entertainment system.  It made you feel terrible that he felt the need to hide away while you were in his and Sans’ home.  But then Aurum had come out, peering out at you and his brother from behind an archway, as though Aurum felt he needed a physical barrier to protect himself.

It made your heart ache to see someone so…nervous and afraid.

When you were at the park, it hadn’t occurred to you at the time that Aurum was Sans’ brother.  You were not going to just assume that any skeleton monster you saw was related to one another.  That would be rude.  But still…you hadn’t even known Sans had a brother until yesterday.  Why had Sans been so quiet on the subject of family? 

Was this why he kept cancelling dinner plans for months? Because his brother was too anxious to be in the presence of a human?

You really needed to stress to Sans the next time you spoke to him that he not put Aurum in a predicament like that again. Sure, it was fun to converse and hang out with Sans when he took time away from work, but you didn’t want to hang out for a few hours if that was going to make his brother feel the need to hide the whole time you were there.

Mind made up about that, you approached the stove with a glint in your eyes, refocusing your thoughts.

Today.

Today was the day that you would finally fix this wretched piece machinery, and make it cook how it was supposed to. Somehow, your tinkering of the stove worked this time, and you did not, In fact, blow the stove up, or otherwise set fire to anything.

No extinguishers needed, thank the stars.

There was a limit to your landlord’s patience.

The rest of the gray dreary day should have been mundane, routine email checks and a few dreaded phone calls.  You weren’t prepared for Sans to call you in the middle of the day during work hours.  Or for him to inform you that he was standing outside your apartment door.

“Better come in before the old lady next door decides you’re cute as the dickens and drags you inside for tea.”  You greeted Sans the moment you opened your front door.

"Do humans often do this?" Sans cast a wary look down either side of the hall with those golden eye lights of his, before he briskly stepped into your apartment. “Whatever the answer, it would defeat the purpose of my visit.”

“Which is?” You asked, daring to hope that Sans would not notice the smoke that was being fanned away in the kitchen.  From a narrowing of his sockets, he did, but thankfully, whatever was troubling him was more important than your near-disaster fixing of the stove. Sans’ expression was pinched, as if he wanted to punch something. Or someone. This told you that something unexpected had been dropped on him without warning.

“This may seem very presumptuous of me, but I am in need of your assistance a month from now.”  Sans said.  “And I felt it best to ask in advance, to have my schedule set. I need for someone to check in with my brother a few times while I am gone.  Despite my protests, I will be gone from Friday afternoon until Monday evening for this upcoming trip.”  Sans met your eyes.  “I do not want you to babysit my brother, or anything of the sort.  It would only make Aurum upset to believe I think so little of him.  But with what has happened to him as of late, I was hoping that, as my friend...you could perhaps be a friend to Aurum as well? If, of course, he is all right with the idea?”

“You can’t become friends with someone overnight, Sans.”  You reminded him, tactfully leaving out the disaster that had been your first meeting and actual introduction to a monster. "A month doesn't seem like enough time..." Especially with the way Aurum had hidden himself in his own home. You'd hate to make him feel like he had to hide if you agreed with Sans to go check up on Aurum.

“I don’t expect it to be an instantaneous comradery." Sans said with a sigh, clearly picking up on your worry. "Believe me, Aurum may or may not want to speak if you’re around, but…he has spoken to you, or otherwise acknowledged your words.” 

“That doesn’t happen with other monsters?”

“He doesn’t trust other monsters enough to be around them for very long, and if he has to answer someone, it is usually a nod or shake of his head.”  Sans said, his eye lights dimming somewhat.  “And because of this, I do not trust many monsters to around my brother, except for perhaps Alphys or Undyne, but they too are going to be going on this trip in a month's time.  I would rather Aurum not be completely alone for those few days I’m gone, if possible.”

"I guess I have time to think about it."  You said, and, remembering what you'd wanted to say to Sans, added. "After last night…I feel like I might just make your brother uncomfortable if I just showed up at your home again.”

“I planned to give him your number, if that is all right with you.”  Sans broke his stiff stance as he shifted from foot to foot.  “If Aurum chooses to reach out to you first, it would likely help, as it would give him the option of whether or not he’d like company. In person or over the phone. Giving my brother a month's time to think about what he'd like will help too, once I've delivered the news of my change in work schedule.”

“That...would be all right.”  It wasn’t like you gave out your phone number often. With a guilty cringe, you guess it might be because your phone keeps meeting unfortunate, fiery demises that sometimes got a little…explode-y. "And if he isn't comfortable with contacting me?"

"Then I will have to consider other options." Sans told you. "As you say, I do not want him to be uncomfortable with another person in our home, if he would like company."

Once you agreed to keep an eye out for Aurum attempting to communicate with you, you were about to breathe a sigh of relief.

Sans broke into your thoughts right before that sigh.

“Do try to leave your home a fire-free place.  The fire extinguishers will thank you for keeping the peace for a time." Sans eyed the smoke still swirling up to the fan of the stove.  "I would hate to see what would happen if you were ever left unattended in my kitchen. Perhaps we will agree to no stove cooking when I go on my trip?"

You were left alone in your apartment to contemplate your life choices of making friends with a monster in a high ranking position, who had something of a vendetta against your experiments that occasionally ended in fiery ways. Once Sans was gone, and you were able to think about what you had agreed to, you had some doubts.  You were concerned for Aurum, with what little you’d seen, but you really don’t want to intrude. He did seem rather intimidated by you, for whatever reason.

The whole thing went to the back of your mind, for now.  You'd let Aurum decide if he wanted to speak to you or not.

Several days later, in the middle of the afternoon, you received a text message. The text was from an unknown number, and it read a little stiff and formal. The name in the message itself, however, let you know that it was from Sans' brother.

greetings human. this is aurum.

Chapter Text

I almost regretted texting the human’s number. 

Almost.

The fact that most of our exchanges were by text made things not as terrible as I thought it might be. I could handle words on a screen. And the human was rather considerate, leaving it up to me if I wanted to continue to speak with them, or if I needed to be left alone. The human never texted me first, and it was a relief, in a way, to not be expected to return a message.

Sans didn’t ask me when I was going sitting on the couch or a chair, texting. But I knew he was aware of what I was doing, since he had been the one to give me the human’s phone number. 

Then, before I knew it, it was a few days before Sans went on his trip with other guards as an escort for the ambassadors.  And Sans finally addressed my texting with the human.

”Will you be all right with y/n’s presence in our home? I know that the two of you met in the park a week ago.”

“yes.”

”You know you can change your mind if it is too much?”

I nodded.

The park had been...fine. My LV was settled, and I didn’t even manifest any magic when the human...y/n, joined me in the park. It might have been relaxing if I hadn’t been so alert, looking beneath my hood to make sure no one looked like they were going to cause trouble. Not to mention I kept an eye on y/n as well. But it had gone well, so I figured that I could always tell the human if I couldn’t handle them in the house. Maybe we could be outside in the patio that Sans had insisted on installing.

Everything would be fine.

Sans was only going to be gone for a few days.

I’d spent a longer time in the house in the underground with him away on business for the queen.

-x-

It was Saturday.

Sans had been gone less than a day, and I was already an anxious mess, believing that any moment, someone was going to break down the front door and I’d be forced to defend myself. 

I texted y/n by late afternoon.

They’d come over a half hour later.

I didn’t immediately flee from the immediate area when the door was knocked on, so I was doing a little better today. And once y/n was inside the house, their presence was...not as terrible as I thought it might be, without Sans around.  But that didn’t mean I wasn’t still wary of y/n’s intentions toward me.  I was suspicious enough to begin with that Sans even had a human friend. That didn’t seem like Sans, but then again, I didn’t know this Sans very well. 

Maybe Sans…Valiant, had an easier time adjusting to the surface that I thought he would? This was only based off what I had learned about him while living in the underground with Valiant for 5 years (and all the time it took when the resets began).  I certainly had not fared quite as well on the surface, what with my ability to unwittingly see deeply into the souls of others. The only human I somewhat tolerated was Chara, but I didn’t see them as often now.

I stared down at my scarred hands.

Perhaps…I did not know as much about Valiant simply because I did not converse with him as often as I ought to have. I certainly had the chance to find out more, these past almost two years, since we things were not as bad off now that we were on the surface.  It wasn’t often that Valiant and I had conversations past basic day to day life.  Certainly nothing as painful as our past, both shared and before I came to this place. 

I couldn’t help but wonder if we were avoiding one another. 

Neither Valiant nor I focused much on our pasts. Come to think of it, we never touched on the fact that the two to us had been very similar to one another, with some shared mannerisms to personality. Our dead brothers seemed to be more alike too, based off the one time we were both exhausted enough to open up a bit about them.

I...do not believe I ever asked Valiant how long his brother had been dead before I showed up. All I knew about Valiant’s brother was minimal, but I did know for a fact that he used to be this universe’s Judge.  But Valiant himself had not inherited the Judge’s power, like I had with my brother’s. 

Perhaps only one Judge could exist in any given universe?

As I mused about this, I vaguely heard y/n shift on their seat in the living room.

Still all right.

My guard was up, but it wasn’t unbearable, so my thoughts wandered back to the similarities between myself and Valiant. There weren’t many any longer, because who I used to be was hardly there. It showed, the decline of my old self, from my torture back home, to appearing in Valiant’s being underground, the resets, and then moving up here to the surface.

I didn’t wake up ready to prepare for my day or wake Valiant up.  There was no lazy brother to boot out of bed and yell at to get going to sentry duty.  

I didn’t stomp my way through patrols anymore with a sharp eye kept out for trouble.

Didn’t recalibrate my deadly puzzles.

Valiant did. 

I no longer cooked meals apart from rare times that I could work up enough energy to care to do so.

On certain days, I felt I could keenly understand my dead brother, and how hard it had been for him to get up some days, without me dragging him straight out of bed.  I had been callous and unconcerned for his mental health. My entire focus had been ensuring both of us remained alive. To not be caught unawares by being lazy or letting one’s guard down.

Or when one’s brother died, the grief hitting harder than one thought, and opening up one to an ambush.

No.

Don’t think about that.

It did me no good.

Valiant either.

I was the one right now who still relied on help to get up. For there be a reason to.  Valiant did his best to keep me from sleeping my days away, and I, in turn, did my best to go about my days.  To do a little, with no hopes of ever going back to my former self’s rigid, perfectionist ways.  I knew that my past self would have been absolutely appalled if he had even a glimmer of knowledge of what he would become.

Most days, I did my best to not think about how I used to be. It hurt too much to imagine that perfect upright posture. The confidence that was somewhat like Valiant exuded. Keeping peace in the underground, meting out punishment when required.

I was pathetic, letting myself fall so low. It didn’t seem like I would ever be who I used to be, so I did my best to live with what I had become over the years.

It was difficult.

“Aurum, are you all right?”

I startled badly, a whine lodging in my throat. Falling just short of summoning attacks, I threw myself off of the couch, shamefully scrabbling away from the human to hide behind the armchair.  I took a moment to calm my breathing and my pounding soul, before a let out another, slower breath. Then, I peered around the armchair at y/n.

They…looked worried, and embarrassed that they’d scared me.

In my nervous state, I barely heard y/n’s apology for startling me, and that they should have known better than to get that close.  Leaning against the back of the arm chair, I hugged myself and kept a wary eye on the human.  A quick look around the living room told me that I had zoned out in the middle of a movie that was currently paused.

“Do you want to…play a game instead?”  Y/n asked hesitantly, not moving from where they stood by the couch, as if not wanting to startle me again. “Or I could leave, if you need the space.”

A video game?

That…might be a good distraction.

Wireless controllers meant I could keep my distance from the human but still participate in playing the game.

I...didn’t want to be alone quite yet.

“a game is…fine.”  I managed to say in a barely-there voice.

“I’m going to go over to the bookcase then.”  Y/n told me. 

I scooted to the side of the armchair to keep the human in my sight.

“What one did you want to play?”  Y/n asked, studying the row of games on the shelf.

“a platform.”  I said, slightly louder.  “any one…is fine.”  I waited until y/n had selected a game, and turned to put it in the console to make my move.  I got to my feet and sat with my back the front of the couch, with the coffee table in front of me. Thankfully, when y/n faced me, they only placed the second control on the glass of the table within my reach. Y/n then went to go sit on the armchair, to keep that same distance as before between us. I breathed an inward sigh of relief, and slowly reached out to pick up the controller. 

This was fine.

I could socialize just fine.

It was only one person, even if it was a human.

A human who was not a danger, according to the Judge.

The game started up, but I could only focus on it a little at first, due to y/n’s presence out of the corner of my socket.  A brief instance of disbelief went through me, as it sometimes did when I did something out of the ordinary for past me.  I was willing to watch movies and play video games more often now, when before, I knew I wouldn’t have bothered with such things.  Down time and luxury of items wasn’t something I’d been able to have before.  Not to mention I had to keep myself in peak physical condition to ensure that I survived, and kept command of the royal guard.

Right now, playing games or watching a movie gave me something to do to push away the ache that was in my soul.  My dead brother would have loved all the novelty that the surface world provided.

A faint pang went through my soul, my hands clutching the controller right.

“C’mon, Aurum.  You’re going to fall behind if you don’t play too.”

I raised my gaze from the controller in my hands, and relaxed my grip as I looked to the screen.

Y/n was not bad company, but I was still wary, casting my gaze to the side now and again.  But for the human to be here, so that I wasn’t alone for a few hours, made waiting for Valiant to come home not as lonely.

Though I only had y/n come by on Saturday and Sunday for those few hours, it was enough company to push the dark thoughts away.  It had helped that, apart from unintentional startles from the human, that y/n was perfectly willing to deal with my hesitance to be close to them in a room.  Even my silence was met without any ridicule, if I couldn’t find my words.

Unfortunately, even if those two times with y/n in the house passed without incident, it didn’t prevent my mind from manifesting an unusually violent nightmare with Valiant only hours away from his return home.

Having no control on the aftermath of what happened when I finally snapped out of my nightmare was somehow made worse by the fact that I already lacked control in my life.

Chapter Text

“You’re pathetic, Captain.”

A painfully rough strike from a blunt object cracked my ribs.

A faint whimper rose from my battered form as my skull sagged against what felt like a wall.

The mocking laughter and strikes continued on.

I think they’d strung me up by my wrists.

Maybe.

My eye lights were snuffed out, which was as good as blindfolding me.

My magic was running dangerously low.

A snapping crack passed across one bared scapula, drawing marrow from the feel of the sting.

“He out already?”  One of the voices asked.

A nudge against my cracked ribs stung, which caused me to automatically flinch.

“Nah, he’s still awake.  For now.”

I didn’t hear the rest.

Excruciating pain flared up across my spine and my other scapula.  My soul churned, threatening to expel what little magic I had left.  I stubbornly resisted. I would not throw up magic in front of my captors.

“Too bad we didn’t find his shitty brother.  Woulda been fun breaking him too.”

“Where the hell you been? That bastard is dust.”

I felt a hand pat the top of my skull mockingly.

“Ain’t that right, captain?  There was dust of that EXP bait all over your hands. Gave us a golden opportunity to capture the captain of the royal guard, distracted like that.”

I couldn’t hear. My anger rose sharply at the careless way they spoke of my brother.

The rush of LV rose, pushing back the pain. I wasted what little of my reserves I had left tossing out attack after attack.  I snarled wordlessly, weakened from the torment I had been put through thus far, but still, I tried to get them all away from me.  To break the cuffs from around my wrists, only to find that they resisted magic.

One painful blow over my skull ended the resistance, and it was only luck that they thought I was unconscious.

They would leave me alone.

I could recuperate and-

There was a hand on my shoulder.

No.

There should have been no one there anymore.

They all had dispersed, hadn’t they, while their toy was unconscious?

The hand shook my shoulder, and I lashed out, finding the chains loose enough to turn around.  I manifested sharpened bone attacks, as many as I could, desperate to break free.  I didn’t even notice that the chains and the cuffs were gone as I flung my magic as hard as I could and I-

I wasn’t in that basement, or the cell.

I was in a room.

A familiar one.

And leaning over me, hand still grasping my shoulder, was Sans…

My brother?

No…

My other brother.

Valiant, his golden eye lights pinpricks. His fangs were pulled into a tight grimace, beads of sweat clinging to his skull.

“Are you…awake now, Aurum?”  Sans questioned evenly.

“awake…”  I didn’t know.

Was I?

I felt something warm drop onto me, and I looked away from Valiant's face to look.  I sucked in a harsh breath, my body beginning to tremble. 

Valiant was bleeding. The marrow was leaking sluggishly from numerous injuries that I’d inflicted on him while in the throes of a nightmare.  Some bone constructs stuck out of his back, a smaller one rammed into his sternum, dangerously close to his soul.

My breath started to come in unevenly, nausea rising swiftly.

I’d attacked him.

I’d attacked Valiant.

My brother.

With a frantic Check, I saw his HP ticking down.  Valiant had good HP, but the damage that had been done…I was amazed he was even still conscious. 

A marrow covered hand cupped the side of my head, holding it in place so that Valiant could make certain I would look at him as he spoke.

I couldn’t.

I couldn’t move.

I could only tremble and listen as Valiant told me that this wasn’t my fault.

Why were the constructs still there?

My fingers flexed against the bed, and with a little focus, I dismissed the attacks. Valiant’s expression became less of a grimace. He merely looked worn out and in pain now.  Valiant shouldn’t have been hurt.  There was no reason for me to be lashing out in my sleep anymore.  It had been nearly seven years since I had been trapped in that place.

I Checked Valiant again.

He was at one fourth of his usual HP, and it was still ticking down, the wounds bleeding.  KR. I realized with a chill. It had been a while since that had last happened. I hadn't been in any fights on the surface. Thankfully, the numbers stopped dropping, and sat steady at 50. 

That amount of HP was much too low for Valiant.

I finally moved when Valiant lost his balance, just barely catching him before he fell backwards. Uselessly, I attempted to figure out where to try and staunch the marrow.

“valiant?”

I watched my brother’s chest rise and a fall rapidly, his eye lights out, but his sockets not closed.

No.

No no no.

This wasn’t supposed to ever happen, now that we were on the surface.

Valiant was unconscious, and as I watched, he lost another point of HP.

49.

I snapped to action at that, something about seeing Valiant so still and bleeding forcing me to focus.  

48.

The sight was too much like the past, of my dead brother being in a similar position, but somehow managing to not dust.  Only back then, I hadn’t been the one to cause the injuries. 

47.

46.

The HP held steady at 45, for the moment.

I gathered Valiant into my arms. Ignoring the way my bones continued to rattle, I used his phone to call y/n.  They were the only one I would allow near my brother right now, as thoughts of another monster going after Valiant for EXP lingered in my mind.

“help.” I managed to get out, after y/n answered their phone.

‘Aurum?  What’s wrong?  How come you’re calling and not texting?’

“sans…” I took a shuddering breath and let it out. “he’s hurt.  i can’t drive.”

‘Hurt?  What happened?’

“please.”  I couldn’t say anything else, and luckily, y/n didn’t press for more.  I heard something jingling, and the sound of a door opening and closing.

‘Where are you two?’

“house.” One final word before my breath hitched.

‘I’ll be there as quick as I can.’

I paced back and forth restlessly, attempting to use healing magic, and maybe it worked, because Valiant was whimpering less in his state of unconsciousness.  I nearly dropped him when there was a rapid knock on the door, but I pushed back the fear that lingered in answering doors for anyone, and opened the door.

It was y/n.

Their eyes widened at the sight of Sans, before wordlessly taking my house keys and locking the door, putting them in my pocket, and guiding me to their car.

I didn’t flinch at the closeness.  Something about having my bleeding brother in my arms was more important than any wariness I might have around a human. I got in the car's backseat, buckled up, and held onto Valiant as y/n drove as quickly as they could to the hospital that was near the embassy.

-x-

While in the waiting room, I fidgeted as I paced back and forth, alternating from wringing my hands together to hugging myself.  It didn’t even register with me that my hands and clothing were covered in marrow.  Y/n was seated on a chair nearby, but they were keeping a respectful distance from me.  Though I sensed that they wanted to draw me into a hug, or do something of the sort in an attempt to reassure me.  I could sense the intent, but I couldn’t allow it. 

I had hurt Valiant.

I could hurt his human friend too.

Being around me wasn’t safe right now.

So wrapped up in my pacing, I didn’t notice another monster approach me until I almost walked right into her.  I stopped short, meeting the one eyed gaze of Alphys.  The muscular yellow lizard monster looked unhappy and worried at the same time, dressed casually in a tank top and slacks.  But when Alphys reached out to take hold of one of my arms, I did not protest being led away from the waiting room.  I didn’t meet y/n’s eyes as I passed by them, unable to prevent myself from quivering.

“I’ll text you if I hear anything before you!”  Y/n called after me.

I raised my free hand in acknowledgment, as I stepped into a hallway.

Alphys was hard to read at present. It seemed that she was both angry for what happened to Valiant, but also held some concern for me.  It would make sense, with the unhappiness and worry I had sensed earlier.

Alphys stopped at a door at the end of the hall and let go of me, nudging me inside.

I went without a word, and sat down on a chair in the room, where I promptly hugged my arms tight around myself, and waited.

The silence in the room was unbearable while Alphys stood by the door, glancing at it as if expecting someone to knock. 

I desperately wanted to explain what had happened.  But my voice kept catching, so the only sound I was able to issue out was a distressed whine instead of intelligible words.  I wrapped my arms tighter around myself, claws digging in through fabric.

Pathetic.

I should have been able to speak to Alphys, Valiant’s second–in-command. His friend, even if they butted heads a lot.

A knock sounded and Alphys opened the door, letting in…

I bit back a choked sob.

Queen Toriel.

What was she doing here?

My fingers gripped my bone through my jacket, sharp claws drawing beads of marrow as my bones continued to rattle. My sockets closed tight.

Dust.

I was dust.

I’d hurt Valiant.

I’d harmed Queen Toriel’s highest ranking officer.

I hadn’t meant to.  I hadn’t meant to harm my brother.  I had told Valiant to not engage with me when I had nightmares, lest I lash out at him and cause him serious injury.  But it wasn’t Valiant’s fault for holding concern for me.  Other times, I had been woken with blue magic. There had even been times were there were only minor injuries on either side. 

This time…this time had been so much worse than all the others put together.

“Papyrus.”

I reluctantly opened my sockets and looked up, though my gaze went no higher than the delta rune on Toriel’s outfit.  A mix of her armor and robes.  I couldn’t meet her eyes.  I didn’t want the Judge to make me see more.

“From Alphys’ briefing, you are one of few monsters who have not yet gone in for an assessment since we came to the surface. Is this true?”

Whatever I expected to hear, it wasn’t that. Knowing I was expected to respond, I managed a miserable nod, claws digging in and drawing out a few more little beads of marrow.

“I went to see the Captain, and he has informed me that your actions were due to being woken from a nightmare?”

I offered another nod, as my eye lights dropped to the floor, breath uneven.

Why wasn’t I dust yet?

“While the assessments are voluntary yet strongly recommended after all we have been through, I feel I must-“

“i’ll do it.”  My voice was raspy when I spoke.  It didn’t even occur to me that I had interrupted the Queen.  My eye lights continued to stare dully at the floor.  I was still avoiding looking at my hands, still locked in my own bones causing minute pain, or my clothing.  I didn’t want to see my brother’s marrow on those clothes, or to see it mixed with my own on my hands.

“Papyrus.”

I twitched at the firm tone of voice, my breath catching as I meekly raised my skull to meet the Queen’s gaze. I flinched again as I realized the Judge had come forth.

The LV…it was too high.

Stern and fearsome, but there some kindness beneath it.

Understanding.

Toriel wanted what was right for all monsters, their freedom on the surface, even if she has to settle for cooperating with humans to get it.

My LV flared in response to seeing another monster with such high LV.

I closed my sockets briefly to shake the sight of the Judge away. When my sockets opened, I saw something almost like sympathy in the Queen’s scarred visage, before it was gone. Perhaps…perhaps she had seen Valiant’s dead brother when the Judge was out before?

“Do not isolate yourself.”  Toriel was the one to look away this time.  “Some of us have been trying to make amends, and many would welcome your company, as they do your brother’s.  Not all is the same as it was in the underground.”

“yeah.”

No, the surface wasn’t like the underground.

This underground hadn’t been like my underground.

“Papyrus, did you hear me?”

I nodded, making brief eye contact before dropping it, no longer able to force any words out for even the Queen of monsters.  It was lucky I hadn’t said anything in that moment, because I might have addressed her as ‘King’.  And that would have certainly set off a conversation I wanted no part in.

This Toriel and Asgore were much like mine, estranged from one another, yet in different positions.

 “Do try to schedule the assessment soon.  Undyne will be expecting a call or a text from you to set it up.  She has a team working with her, both monsters and humans.”  Toriel continued on.

I offered another nod.

“I understand the circumstances surrounding this incident all too well, but it is imperative that they do not affect your or the Captain’s ability to work.  Is that clear?”

I felt like my skull was bobbing on my spine at this point with all the nodding.

Pathetic.

I was pathetic, sitting here and acting like a babybones being scolded for not doing something that wasn’t even a necessity.

‘Strongly encouraged.’

Apparently it was more ‘required’ than ‘strongly encouraged’ for monsters who couldn’t adjust to the surface and deal with their past on their own without spilling their deep dark secrets to someone else.

I would take the assessment, but I refused to speak of my past. I’d done enough damage as it was. There was no need to burden Valiant with any more of my problems.

“alphys?”  I whispered, once the queen was gone.

“Yeah, punk?”

“call undyne?”  I closed my sockets.

“What day do you want?”  Alphys already had her phone in her hand, claws poking at the screen.

It was nice to know that, even with their swapped positions in this universe, Alphys and Undyne were much the same, and still madly head over heels in love with one another.

“today?”  My sockets opened.  “i want to get it over with.”

“I’ll see what ‘dyne has open.”

It was tactful of Alphys to not just say there were already people waiting around to pick me apart.

Not an hour later, I was getting ready to speak with what was likely too many humans and monsters.  I still didn’t know anything more about Valiant’s condition, other than assurance that he was stable at the moment from a text y/n sent me ten minutes ago.

When I finished up with the assessment, I could go and see Valiant, so long as no one decided to lock me up for what I’d done.

Chapter Text

The assessment took much longer than I initially thought it would.  During it, I even spoke with a psychiatrist, after flat-out refusing to speak with a therapist.  I wasn’t feeling very open to discussing what troubled me, to what plagued me in my dreams, my past, just yet. 

What I wasn’t prepared for was the results that the assessment revealed over the hours.

It seemed that everything I had said, or wrote down, indicated that I was deeply depressed, among a list of other labels.

It was…an unpleasant surprise. 

While it was true that I didn’t always get out of bed, eat, or otherwise take care of myself as well as I ought to…it wasn’t as bad as it used to be.

Just occasionally.

It wasn’t like it was back while I was underground.  Where I kept to the house sleeping my days away, dozed off at my sentry station, or spent a few cautious hours at Muffet’s.

When other initial results began to come in, with words like ‘PTSD’, ‘anxiety’, ‘co-dependency’ and other terms, I hunched my shoulders, making myself smaller in my chair as the whispers continued all around me.

Why were they speaking in such low tones?

Was there something they didn't want me to hear?

Sometimes I heard Undyne's name, and I tensed before forcing myself to relax.

Of course she was here.

She did have a team working for her.

Undyne had mellowed out from her rabid pursuit of science over the years, though it was clear that she was still very passionate about results.  She was the one who spoke to me about some of the results, her eyes gleaming excitedly behind her glasses.  When she ran out about stuff regarding me, she went off on a tangent about her current work, while we waited for the more in depth results of my assessment.

It was lucky that she was with me when I was told about what could be done to help me.

Therapy and medication.

Possible hospitalization, if there was a cause for concern.

Everything was laid out before me, all of the information based off of what I had discussed during my assessment. There would be adjustments made, if they could have input from Valiant, about what he noticed while we were at home, or otherwise out in public.

To say that I was hostile was an understatement.

I flatly refused to hear anything further about medications.

I didn’t want nor need them.

Don't think about the drugs.

The lost time.

Don't.

Therapy got a similar rejection.

I remained in my seat, my face carefully neutral, as humans and monsters both spoke to me with reassurances. That whatever they’d gleaned from me, I really ought to not leave the hospital without at least considering one of the many things that could help me manage my life easier.

Undyne had discreetly used magic to prevent me from getting out of my seat, forced to listen to the entire spiel, until it was clear to her that I was about to either shut down, or lash out. The moment I felt my soul released, I stood and stumbled out of the room. My jaw clenched tight, my magic sparking in agitation as I walked down the hall, and went into an empty room, slamming the door shut behind me.

I was fine.

I could handle my LV.

I wouldn’t hurt Valiant again.

I’d done the assessment like the queen had wanted me to.

I never agreed to any of the methods to ‘help’ me that came of that assessment.

I didn’t want to talk to anyone, no matter if it was in confidence, and the information didn’t leave that room. There were some things I didn’t want to bring up from my memory, for fear that I would never come back from it. To have my nightmares always haunt me no matter what steps I took.  With an involuntary shudder, I absolutely refused to allow pills anywhere near me.  After all the times I had been drugged in my captivity, I didn’t want anything that might alter my state of mind in any way, to confuse me even more than I already was.  I had a hard enough time keeping my story straight with Valiant, as we were still acting as though I was his dead brother, with a few key differences after my ‘disappearance’ and subsequent return.

I locked the door with a growl when someone knocked on the door, and stomped across to the other side of the room, ignoring the voices outside the door attempting to speak to me.  Jamming myself into the corner of the room, between a chair and the end of a bed, I was almost calm.

A single loud knock rang out.

I curled up. 

I knew who it was, and didn’t want to see him.  Besides, Valiant ought to be in bed, recovering.  He shouldn’t be anywhere near me like this.  Tears stung at the corner of my sockets, and I let out a breathless laugh at the resulting disgust I felt with myself for being so weak.

The door was unlocked minutes later, opening up slowly.

“Aurum?”

I pressed myself against the wall behind me, a whimper unwillingly issuing out as footsteps approached my pathetic hiding spot that was basically out in the open.  My whole body flinched over the way Valiant’s hand rested on my shoulder, causing me to jolt away.

“Don’t touch me!” 

The hand immediately let go.

My breathing was uneven now, my mumbles not actually words.  I hated when I couldn’t just speak what was on my mind.

Valiant didn’t leave. He remained right where he was, crouched down like he shouldn’t be, waiting patiently for me to gather myself.

It made me feel guilty, that he wasn’t furious with me.

“I do not blame you.”  Valiant said simply.  “I should have known better than to wake you from a nightmare, especially when you’ve been under more stress than usual.”

I shook my head, trying to figure out how to tell him that it was my fault, not his.  I should know by now that I wasn’t in that place any longer. That anyone who woke me up was likely to be Valiant, and not an enemy.

“I won’t make you come out if you don’t want to yet.” Valiant said, his breath a little labored.  "Nor will I make you remain here at the hospital if you don’t want to be here."

I saw bandages peeking out from the hospital gown, and almost deliriously laughed over the thought of my brother walking around in a dignified manner with his coccyx likely bared to the world.

“But know that the queen is aware of what happened, as I am sure she already told you."  Valiant took a breath and let it out.  "If you were to lash out in your sleep at me again, she may not look the other way as she is now.”

“i have no choice then.”  I issued out with a harsh, forced laugh. 

“Of course you have a choice.  There is no point in pushing you to see a therapist if you aren’t willing to speak to one.” Valiant countered.  “And I would punish anyone who tried to force feed you medication without your consent.  But drastic measures can and will be taken if you are ever a danger to yourself.”

“no choices.”  I repeated, tugging my legs up to my chest and pressing my face against my knees.

“It may not seem it, but Undyne and the others do care about what happens to you.  As do I. They only want to help, if you will allow it.”  Valiant let out a slow breath, though it hitched briefly.  “I must return to my bed, before the healers notice my absence.”

“don’t-“  My voice caught in my throat in a twist of magic over Valiant beginning to walk away.  The footsteps paused, and I blurted out.  “don’t leave me.”  I didn’t look up, but I sensed it when Sans settled near me on the chair.

Valiant said nothing of my silent tears.

Chapter Text

Sans had recovered within a few days at the hospital, and was none the worse for the wear.  He seemed more worried about me than I was about accidently injuring him again in my sleep.

We hardly talked, with how busy Sans was, catching up on missed work at the embassy.

Sometimes, it seems like we avoided talking.

Like words couldn't be said that needed to be heard.

Sans wanted me to get help, but he didn't want to push me to do it against my will. So he cooked and cleaned the house like he was on a mission to create as many of my favorite dishes as he could, and eradicate all dirt from existence.

The next few weeks were fine, until they weren’t.

I don’t know how it came to this, but I found that…cutting into my bones allowed some of the pressure on to ease off my mind.  To become numb, and not worry about what was going on around me but for when I was needed.  The past seemed father away, the nick not too noticeable amongst old scars. I should have been concerned about the drop in my HP. The way its max started to become lower and lower, until my HP only reached 3 on bad days, and anywhere from 5 to 7 on other days.

Still, I continued on, until one day, I drew the knife from the kitchen along ulna and radius too far, and it hurt more than it helped.

Valiant found me in the basement curled up, and at first, I think he believed I’d been attacked, his golden eye lights flaring in fury as he swept the basement for enemies.  Finding none, he had looked closer at my marrow soaked arms, part of my collar bone, and a few ribs, to the knife discarded nearby. Valiant's fury went to something worse.

Dread, fear, and a surprising amount of grief.

Unintentionally, I think I may have found out a little more about his dead brother than I would have liked.

Valiant was so careful when he assisted me in standing up, fussing as he wrapped temporary bandages, my torn up clothing, around my arms.  His expression set at the beads of marrow welling against my collarbone.

“I’m taking you to the hospital.”

I could only nod, trembling a little over what it would mean.  The fear of drugs fogging my mind came to me, and I only resisted a little when I was ushered toward the stairs.  But when Valiant urged me up the stairs one by one, I could sense the palpable fear and worry rising from him. I told myself over and over that Valiant wouldn’t lose another brother. It seemed like my way of trying to avoid thinking of, and dealing with my past, as well as my current feeling toward the world at large had done more harm than good.

-x-

I made myself ill by accidentally letting the Judge creep out within the hospital.  I made myself as small as possible at Valiant's side, unable to wrap my arms around myself with how much damage I’d inflicted on them. I hadn’t thought I had done that much damage and quickly shook my head at the gurney, rattling audibly. Even after the refusal, someone tried to encourage me onto it, and I began staring at the floor, willing them to go away. I missed the way Valiant shook his head at one of the nurses. The only reason I began to walk was because Valiant had gently gripped one of the belt loops in my jeans, and I followed him without a single word of protest.

I couldn’t be vulnerable on the gurney.

I couldn’t be strapped to it.

Drugged, until it was required of me to be aware…

I followed Valiant a little closer, my breaths uneven and stuttering.

Inside of a room, I meekly sat and allowed my self-inflicted injuries to be treated.  Some of them could be healed with magic, others had to be cleaned and then wrapped up, to heal on their own with the help of a healing infused salve.  I’d been more or less listless, until medications were brought up.  I shook my head, slipping off the chair and huddling in the farthest corner of the room from everyone present.

“no drugs.” I mumbled.  "can’t remember.  can’t see.”  Panic rose within me the more the healers in the room attempted to coax me out of where I was cowering. I bared my fangs soundlessly when they tried to get to close, pressing myself against the wall.

No magic.

I couldn’t hurt them.

They wanted to help, but they couldn’t.

I was unable to prevent myself from snapping my teeth when one monster got too close.

It was much too like I was being cornered and trapped.

When more monsters and humans poked their heads into the room to see what the fuss was about, I curled up and shook, while Valiant said something, his voice getting louder.

The healers were louder.

Calm down.

Breathe.

Someone saying something about a sedative.

I don’t know what else they were talking about, because I managed to lunge for the open door, avoiding hands and paws, only to run into a bulky nurse’s aide who stopped me in my tracks.  I clung to their scrubs in a blind panic.

Where was Valiant?

Where was he?

Why did they take him away?

The voices were trying to calm me down with their soothing words, but I refused to. My magic was agitated, my fresh injuries ached, and I used all my will power that I had left to not unleash any attacks.

No dusting.

They’d remove me from my home.

Lock me away.

I wasn't aware I'd began thrashing, even as I was gently ushered backward toward the bed in the room, but I refused to lie down.

Too vulnerable.

There were too many people around me that could take advantage of me if I was drugged and helpless.

Valiant was still missing.

No…

There he was.

I could hear him. 

His voice rising, demanding that they let him through. 

In my building panic and fear, I could hear no more as I let out a muffled sob, sagging in the hold of whatever monster had their hands on me.

I couldn’t get away.

“no!”

I couldn’t-

Hyperventilating despite my lack of lungs, I weakly resisted those hands. Lying down was too much with all the unfamiliar humans and monsters around me in that small room, and I-

A solid body suddenly hugged me to it, and the unfamiliar hands immediately left me.  The touch was alarming, until I recognized the scent of the magic.

Valiant.

I collapsed, my knees giving out, but Valiant merely went to the floor with me.  I was shaking so badly my bones rattled for everyone to hear, clacking painfully beneath my bandaged injuries.

“Aurum, I need you to go lie down.”  Valiant murmured to me urgently.  “Let the healers do their job.

“can’t.”  I struggled for breath.  “can’t.”  They’ll hurt me, I couldn’t say.  They’ll make my thoughts and mind become muddled.   I won’t remember anything. 

I won’t remember my own brother, dead or alive.

My memory of him.

I couldn't let anyone take that away from me.

Not again.

“They won’t hurt you.”  Valiant told me firmly, holding me tightly as I fell apart, tears unbidden as I weakly clutched at him, as if he could protect me from the others in the room. There was a sharp prick to my femur, but Valiant held tight, preventing me from seeing what it was.

Whatever it happened to be, it made me sleepy.

“I’ll stay here with you.”  Valiant told me firmly.

If Valiant stayed, then everything ought to be all right. 

I couldn’t do much more than surrender to the lull of unnatural sleep that had come over me.

Chapter Text

Awareness came back to me slowly. 

It didn’t hurt, but I felt like I was in a fog, seeing yet not seeing what was around me.  Some more time passes in this state before I began to become aware of my surroundings, even though my eye lights were hazy.

Time passed as everything began to solidify around me, showing me that I was still in the hospital room that I had retreated to before.  The only difference now was that I was resting on the bed.

Don’t think about the restraining, grasping hands.

It was only the healers.

The nurses.

It wasn’t them.

I wasn’t locked away in that dark place.

But was I ever going to be free of it, 7 years later?

I shivered a little over the sensation of a needle piercing my soul, the IV bags at the side of the bed fueling…something, into my soul, which in turn affected the rest of my body. Whatever it was made me feel distant, like I was a stranger in my own body.  There was the sense of being overly relaxed, too…far away, to even begin to think about wanting to want move.  All I could do was lie there and stare up at the celling for an unspecified amount of time.

It seemed like time slipping away from me bit by bit was the norm when my body was like this.

My sockets closed when I grew bored of counting the dots of plaster in the ceiling.

The door opened and closed.

I didn’t react to it, my eye sockets still closed.

I sensed no ill intent, and it was too much work to even bother opening up my sockets again.

Whatever changes were made to the IV sent me right back off to sleep.

It was better not to think.

Better to not dwell on what I’d been doing.

When I came to the next time, I was less fuzzy. 

Awareness was not a kindness.

My arms ached, but it was distant.

There was no way to miss the way that I am strapped down to the bed from ankle to shoulders.  It took the fog in my mind a bit longer to lift before I was able to recall what had happened.  My fingertips scraped restlessly against the sheets, claws digging in.

The room was quiet. 

The only other being in the room was Valiant, after a quick tilt of my skull revealed him sitting on the bed.

There were no nurses or healers in the room with us.

I retained eye contact despite wanting to look away in shame.

“didn’t…”  My fingers grasped the sheet, fidgeting with the fabric.  I gave my head a little shake and swallowed with a dry click, my voice heavy with guilt.  “didn’t mean to…”

“I informed the healers beforehand that you would not respond well to being restrained.  They did not listen to me.”  Valiant broke eye contact to stare at the IV for a moment.  “They listen to me now, after seeing what happened. A quick reprimand can do wonders.”

“don’t want to meds.”  i mumbled, warily eying my other brother.  “i don’t want to be forced to take them.”  i closed my sockets.  “can’t be drugged.  i’ll be fine.  i just…i just need…”  My words stuttered out.

“I won’t force you to do anything.”  Valiant said, his eye lights focusing on me.  “But I must inform you that the healers are currently giving you something to mellow you out.”

My breath caught at that, before I struggled weakly against the straps holding me down.  The IV…I couldn’t reach the IV, and whatever drug it was slipping into my soul.  I sagged back down with a muffled choked off sob. 

No choices.

They drugged me without my consent.

They always did. The ones in the dark room.

But they couldn’t have possibly followed me to this universe.

I came here alone.

“Both the healers and nurses insisted. It is temporary. You will be taken down from what you are currently on, but you need to know that my hands are…tied.”  Valiant’s fangs curved down at the edges in a displeased grimace.   “You need to find something that will help you, when you are outside of the hospital, before the queen orders me to do something I will regret.”

My sockets closed at that.

The mere thought of Valiant being forced to deal with my mental and physical health didn’t sit well with me.  He had enough troubles as it was, without adding me into the mix.  My mind felt a little clearer than earlier, and I swallowed with another click.  Somehow, I found my voice, as quiet as it was.

“if I talk to someone…will they not make me take the drugs?”

“Medication.”  Valiant corrected, standing up from the chair.  “I will speak with a healer.  I will return shortly.”  He slipped out of the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

The tears started up again the moment the door was closed. Why couldn’t I just be left alone?  When I was alone, I was perfectly fine.

…ordinarily.

I knew that I would not be able to use the knife again. It had proven too do too much damage if I wasn’t careful, instead endangering my life instead of making things around me be quiet and distant.  Maybe….maybe I could attempt to get back to my old routine exercises?

Going out for a run used to be a good way to empty my mind, where I only kept enough awareness to be on the lookout for anyone eager enough to try and attack the captain of the royal guard.

Such a distant memory that was.

I could hardly get out of bed some days, let alone get outside and go for a run.  But I would do anything I had to do, anything at all, in order to avoid those drugs.

Medication.

I was fine.

I would be just fine.

Chapter Text

It was happening again.

I was being forced to my feet and led around my prison. I wasn’t allowed to rest during whatever torture this was.  I was near-delirious with hunger and sleep deprivation.  I hadn’t even been allowed water.  Only magic supplements to make sure I didn’t dust.

I stumbled around, resigned.  With the shape I was in, I couldn’t help but fall over again and again.  I was already broken, but my captors kept making me get back up onto my feet each time.

I was like a marionette with no strings to hold me up, shoved and prodded to move from place to place under my own limited power.

It never seemed to end.

Walking.

Always walking.

Stumbling and falling to the hard, unforgiving ground.

Chipping bone.

Cracking bone.

It didn’t matter.

I soon became that marionette fully, finally unable to stand on my own, even after being forced back up onto my feet.  I only collapsed each time I was brought back up.  My legs were no longer willing to hold my weight.  I was carelessly dragged back to my cell, and left there all alone with my thoughts. Only I was too exhausted to think, as confused and lost as I felt, unable to even end things because I couldn’t move but for a twitch of my fingers.

It was quiet.

No one came to check on me

But when my captors did return, it was with a new form of torture, delighting in hazing my mind up with drugs.  I was used as a guinea pig for the effects of whatever drugs my captors found, passing the results off to Alphys, presumably, without telling her who it was they were experimenting on-

I woke with a harsh intake of air.

A brief moment of panic bubbled up in my soul, until I saw where I was.

The hospital room.

I was still strapped down to the bed, and Valiant was back, seated on the edge of his chair, watching me with a mixture of concern and grim determination.

I looked away.

He’d seen me in the throes of another nightmare.

“no drugs.”   I whispered.  “i don’t want them to find me.  they will hurt me when they do.  i won’t be able to resist if i’m drugged up.”

“No one will hurt you.”  Sans’ expression darkened, as if a piece of a puzzle had snapped into place.  “It’s been arranged for you to meet with a therapist tomorrow, here in this room. The healers want you to stay here to be monitored for a while longer.  Your HP is slow to rise right now.”

I didn’t bother arguing, as I had no more words left for today.

Chapter Text

(past)

“I will patrol the perimeter between Waterfall and Snowdin.  There is talk of a delivery that I or another of the guard must intercept.”  Sans projected his voice loudly, letting his brother know of his plans for the day.  He appeared to be listening, but Sans couldn’t be so sure these past few weeks.  “Mutt!  Are you paying attention?”  Sans saw a hand rise up from Papyrus’ chest to give a vague wave, before dropping right back down onto his ribs.

Good enough.

Sans went on and on about the plan for the day, ending with a few rough, concerned remarks about Papyrus’ increased laziness as of late, and how Sans needed him to be on his guard.  Things may be messy the next few days once he ferreted out whoever was supplying all of those handmade weapons.

Papyrus made some noise that could be acquiescence. Or perhaps Papyrus wasn’t listening after all.

Sans held his tongue. He made it a point to never insult or belittle his brother while they were in our own home.  Outside, in front of everyone else, appearances needed to be kept up.  In their home, once it was swept for listening devices, they were civil, if a little awkward about it. Sans moved closer to where Papyrus was sprawled on the couch.  He had a vacant look in his pale gold eye lights.

“Papy?”

“heard ya.”  Papyrus softly replied, avoiding Sans’ gaze.

No matter.

It seemed it was simply a gray day.

Perhaps not even too bad of one, if Papyrus was still awake.

Sans knew he would eventually have to bring up the little things that he had noticed over the past year or so. The drugs Papyrus likely thought Sans didn’t know of, used on the very bleak days.  Other troubles that seemed to weigh his older brother down, but it was not something Papyrus seemed ready yet to speak of.

Perhaps tonight.

Or tomorrow.

“I will be late in coming home.”  Sans said as he fussed with his scarf.  “If everything goes as planned, all of these long hours of patrol and sentry duty should ease back to normal.”

“sans?”  Papyrus barely spoke in a whisper.

Sans paused at the door. “Yes, Papyrus?”

“i-“  Papyrus stared up at the ceiling.  “it’s just...never mind.” 

“Speak freely, brother.”  Sans was surprised when Papyrus not only sat up, but actually got off the couch to join him by the door.

“how has it been, leading the royal guard?  you’ve been captain for a year now, yeah?”

Sans gave Papyrus a curious look but answered.  “There appears to be a higher amount of respect now that most other monsters know I will not be taken for a fool.  And with Alphys to back me up, very few monsters will attempt to challenge my authority.”  Sans found it a little odd to see relief in his brother’s dim eye lights.  Hadn’t he already been aware of this? Sans was certain he spoke of work at home.

“Sans?”  Papyrus hesitated, before he leaned over and wrapped his brother in a hug.  It was a rarity, this physical affection between the brothers, in a rough world that would use it as leverage.  Papyrus voice was soft, almost shaky and uncertain. “Will you be all right…if you’re on your own?”

“Of course I will be fine.”  Sans said, careless in his words. “I always come back home, don’t I?  There’s always something to be accomplished both in the guard and at home.  I’m sure I can find ways to occupy myself.”  Sans missed the slight drop in Papyrus’ shoulders, a faint shudder, as Papyrus pulled away and offered a rare grin.

“you’re always so damn cool, bro.  getting’ work done and doing housework around my lazy coccyx afterward and still having all that energy.”  Papyrus’ jawbone twitched.  “go tell that one bun on guard by the vendor to break a leg.”

Sans reached out to rest a hand on Papyrus’ shoulder, offering a smirk in return, before he let go, and left the house, locking the door behind him.

Sans hadn’t had any idea that that was the last time he would ever see his brother alive.

The day passed as Sans expected it to, intercepting the delivery as anticipated, and yet, he returned late that night to an empty home.  Fearing the worst, like a break in, Sans scoured the entire home.  He didn’t bother going to his brother’s other haunt. Muffet’s was closed that day, for renovation.  Some damn fool has broken in and trashed it.  Nervously, Sans entered Papyrus’ room.

It was…ominous, to see it look completely normal, bare mattress and all.

Only there was a small difference.

There was a jacket folded rather nearly on the bed, like Papyrus usually never bothered with.  On top of it rested his collar, and nestled within that, a note.

Sans reached out with trembling fingers to pick it up with his claws, uncomprehending for a moment of the words written until it clicked. A chill went through Sans, dread rising as his soul constricted painfully. His breath hitched.

No.

No.

Sans ran out of his house, heedless of security as he left the door wide open to go track Papyrus down.  Sans didn’t dare think about the words that had been written on the page. He would bring Papyrus home. Sans would tell him that he was always there for him.  Even if Sans worked long hours, all Papyrus had to do was ask for his time, and Sans would give it.  He would even leave the royal guard entirely; give up his title and his career.  Sans would do anything for this to not be what he feared.

Sans would do anything

Please, Papyrus, don’t…

It took only an hour and a half of searching for Sans to find his brother on the outskirts of Snowdin.  Clothes were gently ruffled by the faint breeze coming through the closed doors of the Ruins.

It was a quiet night.

Sans could have sworn he heard muffled crying issuing out from behind the Ruin’s closed doors.

But no one lived there.

Not for years.

There were rumors, of course, of the queen’s estranged husband…

It didn’t matter right now.

Sans stared blankly down.

Nothing mattered right now.

The clothes Sans had come across…they no longer had an owner attached to them.

Staring at them did nothing to change that.

The grief that seemed to emanate from behind the doors of the Ruins slowly retreated, the longer Sans stood there in the snow, unblinking.  Snow piled up on his skull and shoulders, but he didn’t brush it off as he normally would have.

“Papyrus…”

No one replied to Sans’ whisper on the wind.

No one came.

Sans was all alone.

Sans returned home with Papyrus’ dust, the heaviness in his soul weighing him down.

His world was crumbling.

His older brother was gone.

Sans refused to believe it, and knew he was only hurting himself more as he demanded to that the pile of dust, all that was left of his brother, to come back.

Please come back.

Come back.

Reset.

Reset everything.

Damn Temmie.

Papyrus might not have said anything, but Sans saw the notes he tried to hide.

Reset.

Reset everything right now!

Make it stop.

It wasn’t real.

It couldn’t be real.

Papyrus would be back when Sans woke up.

For just a moment, Sans thought he heard him in his room, only to be greeted with an empty room, nd a jaw of dust resting on top of the jacket, within the collar.

It broke Sans, in a way.

He closed the door and didn’t enter Papyrus’ room again.

The next day came, and Sans was forced to go back to work lest Alphys or other monsters think he was getting soft.

Life went on without his brother.

No one seemed to care that he wasn’t around, lurking in Sans’ shadow.

A reset didn’t happen.

Sans kept hoping each day it would, but it never happened.

Papyrus was gone.

Dead.

His brother was dead.

It hurt.

It hurt so much.

Sans wouldn’t be fine on his own.

Not like this.

Papyrus…

Come back-

Don’t leave him all alone.

Come back-

-x-

(present)

Sans grunted as he woke up on the hospital floor. He must have fallen out of the chair. Sans looked up at a muffled gasp, and saw Papyrus looking down at him.  For a brief moment, elation filled Sans’ soul, right before cold reality washed over him.

It was a Papyrus, but not his dead brother come back to life.

Sans sat up with a sigh, collecting himself before looking back up at Aurum, who was staring down at him with rust colored eye lights, worry and guilt warring with one another. 

Worry won out as Aurum spoke to Sans.

“you’re crying.”

So he was.

Sans stubbornly wiped away the tears.  But instead of brushing it off as nothing, especially with what had happened with Aurum, Sans was honest.  “It was…a memory.  About my brother.  When he…left me.  I didn’t know.  I didn’t realize how badly he needed me.  He needed someone, anyone, to listen to him. I failed my brother when he needed me the most. We never even had the chance to…to say good-bye.”

Aurum had been unstrapped since he was now calmer than he had been the past 12 hours.  He hesitated for a moment before hesitantly sitting up. He met Sans’ eye lights before looking away as opened his arms in silent offer.

Sans didn’t let himself think too much as he got up, crawled on the bed, and let Aurum hug him as tightly as he could.  Sans didn’t know whether to tell him how shaken he was over what had happened when he found Aurum in the basement with a knife on the floor nearby. The therapist was coming in a few hours to see Aurum, and Sans didn’t want to add to his troubles to ones Arum already had.

“will you be all right on your own?”

Sans couldn’t help but cry harder at that, his control absolutely out of his grasp upon hearing those words as he wrapped his arms around Aurum in return. How had he said almost the exact same thing as his brother all those years ago?

“if you want to, you could wait outside my room while i talk to…to the therapist?”

Aurum was speaking in longer sentences. 

Sans’ distress must be worse than he thought it was.

“Yes.”  Sans said eventually.  “If it won’t be a bother, I want to wait outside for you.”

“it’s fine.”

Sans realized, in that moment, in the aftermath of a nightmare of his own, that he wasn’t the only one who needed help.

Perhaps Sans could speak with the therapist at a later time today, if not another therapist, on another day all together.  It had been nearly two years since he had last spoken to one.  All of what had happened this past day was dredging up his past before he’d met Aurum.

Chapter Text

Soon, the therapist would be in the room with me, and hopefully they would respect the request to keep their distance. The assurance I had been given that the therapist would do so was the only reason I was able to remain calm.  The other, more important reason was that Sans had told me that he would be just outside the door, if I needed him to come in. 

I could sense Sans out there even now, a calm, steady presence there if I needed it.

But all thoughts of cooperating were starting to slip away bit by bit, now that the time was drawing near for my first meeting with the therapist. I felt as if I was shutting down parts of myself that I didn’t wish to see, or examine too closely, while the therapist was in the room with me.

And when the therapist finally showed up, it didn’t go how I anticipated.

For one thing, my voice left me completely, leaving me only able to nod, shake my head or shrug indifferently in answer. With a few exceptions. But the meeting went from terrible train wreck to something more productive when I began to pen my answers to the therapist’s questions. Writing instead of speaking at least showed that I was willing to do this…right? The words of written first reflected my doubts that this idea of ‘speaking’ to a therapist. 

I don’t know what to do.  I can’t speak.

Of course, at the time, I didn’t really want to speak to anyone at all, but if it meant that the drugs….the medication, would be kept far away from me, I would try to do this to the best of my abilities.

For Valiant, and my dead brother.

I covered my sockets with a hand, bone scraping against bone as my written answers cropped up the longer I was left to my own devices in the hospital room now that the therapist had left.

My voice just won’t work when I want it to.  It is too much sometimes. I don’t know how to explain it.

My teeth twitched at the edges when asked the question of why I was seeing the therapist today. And I’d made up a half assed answer that hardly touched the real troubles.

At first. 

I have trouble sleeping. I have never really been able to sleep well to begin with. 

What I didn’t write at that time was that sleeping deeply or restfully in my old universe was a good way to get oneself killed. The same went for this universe, though it was less violent as the years crawled toward our day of freedom when the barrier broke.

The nightmares have been happening on and off the past 7 years. They are not usually a problem but they can be a lot.

I’d been asked if I wanted to be speaking to the therapist or if it was something I was pushed to do. It was difficult for me to come up with an answer to that, as it was and wasn’t true. I didn’t want to speak, yet at the same time, deep down, I knew that if I could t speak to Sans, I ought to open up to someone.

Anyone.

I didn’t write anything in response to why I was speaking to this therapist. There were things I kept hidden from everyone but myself, sleeping troubles and nightmares aside, which Sans already knew about, as he had witnessed them underground.

I let out a self-deprecating laugh, pressing my ulna and radius against my closed sockets.

I’d been careless.

I let my guard down around the therapist, as my desire to make this meeting work caused me to act. The mere thought of drugs were this meeting to fail…it was a fear that got my voice to come through.

“it is either this or medication. i can’t have that, so i agreed to speak with someone. i was held for years by my enemies in the underground. drugs were one of the methods they used to control me.”

And just like that, one of my secrets were out as my jaw had snapped shut, my soul twisting uncomfortably.

I let up on the pressure over my sockets as I sighed.

Even Sans didn’t know, though I suspected that he had an idea, or at least guessed the scenario. Likely from the state I had been in, wounded and delirious when I first appeared in Sans’ universe.

I remembered seeing the minute shift in the therapist’s expression at my hoarsely spoken words.  Any other words had died in my throat, recalling how quickly I had picked up the pen to write.

It is complicated.  The culprits were dealt with long before monsters came to the surface.

This was true enough.  My tormentors were not here. They were back in my old universe.

“Keep fighting.  See how far it gets you, Captain.”

I closed my sockets and took a breath. I was alone in the hospital room. There was no intent to harm from anyone within range of this room. Valiant was somewhere just outside the door, likely giving me time to get myself together before checking on me. 

Don’t think about it.

I opened my sockets again to stare up at the ceiling. I could still see the sliver of concern from the therapist deposit them keeping hold of their professionalism, while asking me if I felt safe at home.

Safest I feel.

Honesty had been in those three words, and to my relic the therapist had looked reassured, and they continued on with their questions.  Much of the rest of the session was basic information gathering, and before I knew it, the time was up.

And here I was, staring up at the ceiling, with the knowledge that I was going to see the therapist again in a few days, as I had okayed it. I didn’t think the meeting had been too bad, so it didn’t hurt to agree to at least one more meeting.

”Keep fighting, captain.”

”Keep fighting.”

Condescending laughs and taunts.

Keep fighting, captain. Keep fighting, captain. Keep fighting. Keep fighting. Keep fighting-

I would fight, but not physically, as my past tormentors had mocked me to do, when I was too weak to fight back.

I was…attempting to get to the therapist twice a week after leaving the hospital was a challenge. However, I was hard-pressed to dredge up my past, apart from the tidbit I had admitted to the firs time, so it was slow going progress-wise. But there was something about getting pieces of it out that was a relief. It made me feel like I could go about my day, even if it mainly consisted of naps, without any dark thoughts or pain required to keep it all away.

Chapter Text

Well, that was a disaster averted.

Good thing you had extra fire extinguishers.

Brushing off your somewhat singed clothing, you looked yourself over in the mirror, and decided that you didn’t like like you’d been in a fiery microwave incident.

It would probably be best to get out of the apartment for some fresh air.

Picking up a shoulder bag with a few books in it, you decided that you could pay a visit to the library during your outdoor ‘airing’ out.

The fresh air did help quite a bit, and by the time you got to the library, you didn’t smell like something that had been airing out smoke from windows. Returning the books, you began to mindlessly browse the shelves, not looking for anything in particular.  While browsing the nonfiction shelves, you came across Aurum.

The monster was tucked in one of the furthest corners of the library, curled up on one of the plush chairs with a book in his hands. Aurum’s hood was drawn up, but you could see his dim eye lights focused on tbe pages of his chosen book.

It had been awhile since you had last seen Aurum.  The last sighting must have been when you had driven Aurum to the hospital with his injured brother.  You had not asked what had happened, as you didn’t want to pry.  But what you did know was that whatever had happened was because Aurum had experiences a nightmare. That was what Sans had told you, days later at the hospital. He’d continued on by saying that he did not blame Aurum for his actions, and Sans hoped that you wouldn’t either.

You didn’t plan on it.

In the hospital, Aurum had looked so upset with himself with whatever had happened. You’d desperately wanted to offer a hug, to give him reassurance, but you didn’t think it would be enough, as you didn’t know the whole story. At the time, you had wanted to find some way to make Aurum not look so miserable, but you hadn’t, because of how skittish he still was around you.

It had been a good call.

You think Aurum might have thrown himself into a corner of the hospital lobby if you had made the attempt to offer a hug.

Aurum hesitantly looked up from his book.

Since you’d last spoken to Sans, Aurum had been texting you, but it was pretty clear from his current expression that he wasn’t quite ready to see you in person. Even if Aurum seemed happy enough with corresponding via text, it was another things altogether to see someone in person. Sometimes he texted you once a day, other days more often if it seemed like Aurum wanted, or desperately needed, the interaction.

You honestly hadn’t expected to come across Aurum in the library today, and the larger monster obviously didn’t expect to see you either.  You stood there, staring at Aurum, and trying to figure out what to do. Should you leave him be? Or did he maybe want some company? Since he was still sneaking peeks at you, this gave you the opportunity to vaguely motion with your hand in a way that you hoped meant if you should leave him be.

Aurum apparently understood the silent question, because after a moment’s hesitation, he waved a bony hand in return, beckoning you to come closer.

You did, though you went slowly, to give Aurum time to decide if he really did want want company. There was no protest or change in Aurum’s expression or dim eye lights as you took a seat on the chair across from him. 

There were no words spoken as Aurum went back to his book, and you slipped out your phone to idly scroll through an app.

It was a rather companionable silence, until it was broken.

“why are you…singed?”  Aurum’s quiet voice asked.

“Well…” You set your phone down on the table, thinking about how to answer that.  It involved the fiery death of your microwave, which you would need to dispose of later today, when you were certain it wouldn’t melt through a trash bag.  “I may have miscalculated how much modification the microwave could take before it rebelled against me…”

Aurum’s expression was priceless. It was mix of dawning understanding and horror followed swiftly by worried indignation.

“why would you even…”  Aurum pinched his nasal ridge with two fingers, his claws scraping lightly against bone. “that is a very dangerous thing to do without proper safety precautions. that would have been something my…my…”  Aurum trailed off, his hand dropping from his face to click his claws against the table briefly, before he went still. There was sadness in Aurum’s expression before it morphed into a heavy sort of weariness.  “y/n, you could have been seriously injured.”

Maybe…you shouldn’t tell him the aftermath of the debris on the kitchen floor, and the fire extinguisher. Aurum was already upset enough with whatever he was thinking about to hear any more about the damage you’d ended up causing to your apartment’s kitchen.

The two of you went back to sitting in silence, though it was clear from the way Aurum wasn’t focused on his books any longer that he was lost in a memory.