Chapter Text
The moment they left the suburbs of Biling Park and entered the publicly accessible, protected grounds at the foot of the mountain, Lan Wangji felt like coming home. He liked living in the city, his apartment being close to the university and Pan, to his brother, and Wei Ying. He enjoyed being able to cross a few streets to check out a new exhibition at the Museum, and to have the possibility of moving around fairly anonymously. But the overwhelming nature and calm that surrounded the Cloud Recesses were like a balm to his senses, and nothing ever made him feel more at ease.
He breathed in deep and slowly let the air escape from his lungs. His brother’s fingers caressed his.
‘Ge-ge?’
‘Yes, di-di?’
‘Do you ever think about moving back to Cloud Recesses?’
‘Not concretely, no.’ He expected his brother to elaborate, but Xichen did not. He stared out of the window and Wangji knew something was bothering him.
‘We will, eventually. Will we not?’
‘Eventually, yes.’
Something about the way he said that, made Wangji’s ears prick up. ‘Do you not want to?’
‘I do.’ A long pause. ‘But it pains me to know what I will be leaving behind.’
Wangji did not quite know how to respond. He’d always known he’d return again, that his time in Caiyi Town was merely an interruption of his life that would always be with his sect, bound as he was to duty as well as to his family. He wasn’t quite sure if he’d return directly after his promotion – that would depend on his options as a researcher. Lan Wangji had never fostered the ambition of becoming a professor, and much of his research he would be able to conduct at Cloud Recesses, if he had the time to commit to them, next to the inevitable responsibilities he would be expected to execute for the sect. And it wasn’t like he’d never be able to leave the mountain again: he could return to the university or travel the country to visit conventions, should that be necessary. In short, he didn’t think he’d have a reason to stay in Caiyi any more after he’d received his doctorate.
It would also depend on his brother. Lan Wangji had quietly assumed that they’d move back together, at some point, and that Pan was his brother’s experiment, his own research project he busied himself with, until they were both ready to go back to Cloud Recesses and take over from Uncle.
So why this sudden reluctance?
Was this to do with Nie Mingjue?
Lan Wangji himself harboured very little feelings towards the man. Back when they were in high school, Nie Mingjue was a bit of a jock: more drawn to physical achievements than scholarly pursuits. Lan Wangji had never really understood his brother’s attraction to the other man, who, to his eyes, seemed rough, unrefined, and had a clear irreverence for following rules. But he and Xichen got along surprisingly well, and even though some of Mingjue’s rebelliousness rubbed off on Xichen, Wangji could tell that Xichen had had at least as much impact on Mingjue.
And for all his flaws, Mingjue did make Xichen happy. Happier than he’d ever been. He paved Xichen’s way to novel experiences, a lot of which Wangji personally did not approve of, but which fascinated his brother and delighted him to his core. And which had taught him a lot about himself.
Truth be told: Lan Wangji had often worried for Xichen. The older Lan may have thought no-one knew of his nightly escapades, but Wangji knew. He’d always known.
During his last year of high school, Xichen would leave Cloud Recesses after nine when the cultivators had tucked in for the night and all was quiet, sneaking out in outrageous garments that would have made Uncle shiver with repulsion. Now, the memory seemed little more than endearing to him, but Wangji remembered the first time he’d seen his brother sneak off in a pair of black jeans and a band-shirt he’d tied in a knot, exposing his waist and his belly button, and wearing black eye make-up and lipstick. Wangji hadn’t dared to breathe a word of it to anyone – knowing full well that Uncle might bring the long-abolished discipline whip back into use, should he find out – but he hadn’t slept either, crying into his pillow in the full belief that his brother had eloped with Nie Mingjue.
Later, he’d learned that that wasn’t the case. That they were ‘merely taking part in the night life’, as Xichen euphemistically called it. It wasn’t until Wangji was in college and living with his brother that he came to the full understanding of what ‘the night life’ actually meant: that his brother was putting himself at risk by flaunting his sexuality at a time and at places when and where queerness was not just looked down upon, but could be seen as a cause for assault, violence, abuse or even murder. He’d had many more sleepless nights over his brother’s safety, during Xichen’s wild years.
Since then, nothing much had changed with respect to the public stance towards queerness. What had changed was how Xichen chose to conduct himself, that he had come to realize how he could express his personality while minimizing the risks to himself and other people. His café operated in broad daylight: it was public, out of the shadows, and therefore its presence got accepted, more or less, by the general audience. He followed all the rules, didn’t object against the rampant inspections into the propriety of his establishment over the years, he ran a tight ship legally and administratively and was always friendly and patient towards the misanthropes who tried to undermine Pan’s existence.
The fact that he didn’t hide his identity helped too: even though he would never mention his affinity with the Gusu-Lan sect to anyone, he never denied his position as future sect-leader either. Wangji knew, as he was certain Xichen knew, that the fact that Pan was registered to the name of the heir to Cloud Recesses had saved them a lot of trouble with government officials.
Nie Mingjue had been out of the picture since before his brother had graduated for the second time. They had always remained friends, but with the end to their relationship, there had emerged a maturer Xichen. A more practical Xichen. A more relaxed Xichen.
Lan Wangji looked at his brother, who stared out the window, and wondered if he should be glad that the other man had come back into Xichen’s life. These last few weeks, he had felt Xichen was happier. It was like he moved easier, lighter. Like he glowed.
He didn’t glow right now.
There had been an argument.
Lan Wangji pressed his brother’s hand. ‘Brother?’ he asked softly.
‘Yes di-di?’
‘Do you love Nie Mingjue?’
Xichen turned to him. Swallowed visibly. ‘Yes.’
‘Does he make brother happy?’
‘Yes.’
‘Can brother promise Mingjue is good to him?’
‘Why would you think he would not be, di-di?’
‘Mingjue often exposed brother to situations that might be deemed dangerous, in retrospect.’ He could see the surprise wash over his brother’s face, and he answered the unspoken question. ‘More than you know, brother. I wasn’t prying, I promise. Brother was… a bit careless, sometimes.’
‘Careless?’ Xichen repeated. ‘How?’
‘Many ways.’ Wangji glanced over at the driver. The screen between him and his passengers was drawn up. Wangji could very faintly hear the sound of the car radio. No part of their conversation would likely be audible to the driver, but still, Wangji lowered his voice and leaned into his brother. ‘I know you kept a stash of condoms in your black messenger bag,’ he whispered. ‘The one you always took with you when you went out. The clothes you kept in the bottom of your closet, on the left, and the shoebox...’ He could see his brother turned a little pale and decided not to continue. ‘I never… I never thought it was wrong, or anything. I still don’t. But I did worry.’
‘You didn’t have to worry. Mingjue was always with me.’
‘Could Mingjue have protected you from a police raid? A shooting? I know you and he went to Dafan Mountain often.’
‘We weren’t there at that time, Wangji.’
‘But you could have been. Or at the Fire Palace.’
‘I never went to Fire Palace,’ said Xichen. ‘I did have some taste back then.’
‘Any of those kinds of places.’
‘They’re called clubs.’
‘Gay clubs.’
‘Don’t tell me you’re against gay clubs. We run a queer café, for crying out loud!’
‘Of course I’m not!’ Wangji sighed. ‘I know you’re not… I know you don’t go to places like that any more. Because you have a reputation now and you can’t afford to be seen...’ He saw a glint of pain in his brother’s eyes. ‘Not because it is disreputable, you know I’d never suggest that! Because it’s dangerous.’
Xichen withdrew his hand.
‘Brother.’
‘I can never be both, can I?’ Wangji heard the frustration in his brother’s voice. ‘I never could, and I never will be. I can never be both.’ He bit his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood. ‘And I can never have both.’
‘Ge-ge.’ Wangji reached for him, but Xichen folded his arms, turned his back, and stared out the window.