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Chapter Text

school's over and i'm only just now printing out the goddamn letter i owe dr. sherman.  i didn't bother rereading it before printing it out, so i hope it makes a little bit of sense. 

oh i know. because there's connor. and all my hope is pinned on connor, who i don't even know and who doesn't know me. but maybe if i did. maybe if i could just talk to him, then maybe...maybe nothing would be different at all. 

that's so pathetic. who does that? who pins everything on a crush on a guy they barely even know? 

i guess i do. i'm that person who pins all their hopes and happiness on someone who doesn't even know i exist. it's fucking sad to think there isn't anything else going for me. 

the entire letter is pathetic really. there's too much negativity in it and i'm not sure if i can even show this to dr. sherman. i think she'd do that thing where she looks at me all concerned and say something about me needing to try a little harder to have a positive outlook on life. 

before i could go on with my cliche, self deprecating thoughts and spiral myself into another episode of self loathing, i hear the computer lab door swing open. not wanting to seem weird, i don't turn around to see who it is and just wait for them to walk into my line of sight. 

brown hair and old, scuffed up clothes steps into my field of vision. 

"evan hansen? that's you, right?" 

yeah, it's him. connor murphy in all his glory. or lack of i guess. he looks like shit, most people wouldn't call that glory. i gulp and look down at my hands because i'm too scared to look him in the eye. "y-yeah that's me." 

i mean, of course i'm too scared to look him in the eye. just a couple hours ago he screamed in my face and pushed me into a bunch of lockers. the fear is justified. 

i look over to his hands and he's conveniently holding the paper i just printed out. y'know, the one that has me basically professing my love for him. 

it's just my luck that i end up having a crush on the single most violent guy in school. it's also my luck that he has my paper with me spilling my guts out in his hand. 

he coughs. "i uh, i wanted to say sorry about earlier. i shouldn't have pushed you like that. that was shitty." 

my hands get a little clammy. "oh, no it's- it's fine. don't worry about it, really." i only now try to meet his eyes. his eyebrows are furrowed and he's looking at me funny. 

he gestures at my cast and asks, "so, how'd you break your arm?" 

my free hand goes to play with the bit of cast around my wrist. "i-i fell. i fell out of a tree." 

for a moment connor's face went blank, processing what i just said. "fell out of a tree? well, that's just the saddest fucking thing i've ever heard, oh my god." he's laughing like, really fucking hard and i can feel my cheeks start to flush red in embarrassment. 

my silence had to have made it weird because he immediately stops laughing and coughs really awkwardly. connor rubs the back of his neck and points at the blank cast. "no one's signed it." 

great, yeah thanks for pointing that out, i didn't notice. 

for a moment i think about snatching the paper out of connor's hands and then bolting out of the room. but then what would happen? would connor beat me up? he's done that to a lot of people. imagine how shitty that would be? i mean, getting beat up by some guy is already pretty shitty, but getting beat up by the guy i'm into? 

so much worse. oh god he's looking at me really weird again, i still haven't said anything. 

"yeah uh. i know." my voice cracks in the middle of that and i cringe. 

"well, i'll sign it." 

i'm genuinely surprised by the words that just came out of his mouth. "oh, no it's fine, really, don't worry, i don't mind- it's okay, you don't have to do that." i've been standing here for way too long. jared probably already left. at the rate this "conversation" is going i'm gonna have to walk home. 

i shift my weight from foot to foot. connor holds out his hand expectantly. "do you have a sharpie?" 

right, great, i guess he's signing it. maybe i'll get to go home sooner. i check my pocket for the sharpie mom gave me this morning. after taking the sharpie connor tugs my arm closer to him. a small "ow" slips from my lips. for a second he looks at me with an expression really close to concern but not quite. 

his name fills up most of the cast. 

CONNOR 

what the fuck? who does that? who signs casts like that? i'm going to assume connor has never signed a cast before in his life. "well now we can both pretend we have a friend." he said that in a bitter tone and laughed a little. 

"uh- actually, can i have my paper back please it's in your-" before i finish my sentence connor is looking down, his eyes moving over the paper. i wanna throw up. 

"what the fuck?" 

"wait, no, please, it's not what you think i-" 

"what the fuck is this shit? why is my name in your-" his eyebrows are furrowing in anger and his fist is clenched around my paper. i've seen this face before. i think the whole school has seen connor's face like this. a famous connor murphy blowup. 

except this time his anger is directed at me. 

"no, yeah sure i get it. you printed this shit out because you knew i was in here and you wanted me to read this fucking garbage so i'd freak out." 

he's yelling at me now and i think my heart is pounding so loud and hard i can feel it. "it's your lucky day, you get to see the freaky murphy kid lose his fucking shit!" 

he grabs the front of my shirt and pulls me up to his face. i can smell the weed on his clothes. "don't ever pull this shit again, hansen. if i see another one of your gay little love letters you're gonna have a whole lot more than a broken arm."  

he drops me on the floor and stomps out of the room, slamming the door that usually is very unslammable. 

i wanna cry. i want to curl up in a small ball and die and never be seen by a single person ever again. maybe i'll drop out and do online school and never talk to a single person again. no, that's a bad idea, my therapist won't like that. 

i try as hard as i can to not spiral into a panic attack because last time i had a panic attack i ended up being so exhausted i just passed out and slept until 2 am. and if it's gonna happen it might as well happen at home and not at school. 

so i get up. i pull myself up and walk all the way home because by the time i get outside jared's car is missing from its usual spot and he's long gone. i clench my fist, fingernails digging into my palm. 

this is gonna be a long school year. 

Chapter Text

"don't ever pull this shit again, hansen. if i see another one of your gay little love letters you're gonna have a whole lot more than a broken arm."

i let go of his shirt and immediately turn to leave. my skin feels hot and i'm fuming. fucking fantastic. i can't believe i'm getting made fun of by the weird kid with a broken arm. 

the doors all slam behind me as i'm basically sprinting out of the school. all i wanna do now is leave and drive very far away from this place. i don't feel like going back to the house yet so i drive to a park maybe 20 minutes away.  

it's quiet and 5pm so the sun should be setting soon. i rummage around in my glove box for my altoid tin. parks are a great place to get high. 

the last of my anger from earlier has mostly gone away, i don't feel as hot and agitated anymore. when i get angry my skin feels prickly and tight and i want to throw shit. i always get too angry about things not worth getting angry about. 

i light up and take a long hit. today was awful and slow. now that the anger is gone i feel like a fucking asshole for yelling in that kid's face. i blew that way out of proportion. now that i'm out of the moment i can kinda think rationally but i don't think i want to. i mean, really, why would this random kid go out of his way to do that? maybe he meant what he said in the letter. but then again i don't know how realistic it is for someone to have their hopes pinned on me. he could've at least tried a more realistic lie. hell, if he wrote zoe's name i'd probably have a reaction just as bad. 

i still have the letter so i pull it out of my jacket pocket. 

dear evan hansen 

it turns out this wasn't an amazing day after all. this isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. because, why would it be? 

oh i know. because there's connor. and all my hope is pinned on connor, who i don't even know and who doesn't know me. but maybe if i did. maybe if i could just talk to him, then maybe...maybe nothing would be different at all. 

i wish that everything was different. i wish that i was part of … something. i wish that anything i said mattered to anyone. i mean, face it, would anyone notice if i disappeared tomorrow? 

sincerely, your best and most dearest friend, 

me 

well that was depressing. i suddenly wish i didn't read it. that last bit would make a good suicide note though so i pocket it again. i remember the pills in my glove box and think for a minute. but i can't even properly think about it because hansen's stupid face keeps popping up in my mind. 

another hit to get his face out of my head. 

i don't wanna think about the people i hurt after i hurt them. i don't wanna think about how irrationally angry i get or how i refuse to even acknowledge that i hurt them. 

god, i'm such a stupid piece of shit. 

i sit in the parking lot for another four hours at least. just smoking and thinking. the sun is long gone and it's really fucking dark out. i guess i should get back to the house before i get into more shit. i'm pleasantly high so i shouldn't have much trouble being back there. i turn the car back on and pull out to drive through dark, unlit roads. 

driving home is always awful. i always know what's gonna happen when i get home way later than i should yet i never try to actually get home at a normal time. 

i think about the pills again because anything sounds better than dinner with my family. mom probably cooked some inedible shit that i have to pick at for 20 minutes before i can leave. i'm 10 minutes away now and the dread of dealing with a pissed off zoe and larry makes my blood boil.  

it's not my problem if she has to hitch a ride with a friend. she's old enough for a license and we have enough money for another car. not my fault she's an entitled little bitch who needs me to drive her places. 

ugh, no, now i feel bad. zoe isn't a bitch, she is your sister you stupid asshole. okay well she can be two things at once. i never said she wasn't my sister, i said she was a bitch. she can be an entitled little bitch and my sister at the same time. now i'm arguing with myself in my head, i guess it seems in character. 

this is probably why my family hates me. 

i'm now in the subdivision where my house is and my stomach feels gross. i feel like puking. when did i last eat something? paying attention to my stomach makes it feel much more empty. if i'm hungry enough i might try to eat some of the dinner tonight.

my cell data decides to start functioning again because it immediately starts going off with relentless beeping. 

no, i won't answer. you'll see me in 5 minutes so say it to my face, asshole. 

i pull into the driveway and the lights inside are all on. sighing, i spray some shitty old cologne on to at least try to hide the smell. i probably should've opened the windows to air out the smell. now zoe's gonna complain about it the entire drive tomorrow morning.  

moments after i step foot into the house i'm immediately hit with that familiar condescending tone. 

"well look who decided to turn up for dinner." larry's voice chimed in unprompted. fucking asshole. his voice alone irritates me. i know i'm a piece of shit but maybe if you didn't talk to me like i'm a piece of shit i'd be a little bit less of a piece of shit. 

i hear another voice in the background. "oh connor's home?" 

cynthia comes racing over to me like a dog coming to jump all over you when you get home. her nose wrinkles when she smells me.  "connor, sweetie, you look awful. do you want some dinner? we're having chicken!" she goes to put her hand on my arm and i pull away immediately. her hand pressed against my arm makes my entire arm feel like it's on fire. 

the thought of eating the chicken she made makes me wanna gag.  "no, i'm fine. i'll eat later." 

i may as well cook my own dinner. 

"oh, come on, you have to eat something. you're getting so thin." i guess i am getting thinner. probably not for the reasons she thinks. larry doesn't even bother to look up from his work to talk to me. "connor, do what your mother asks and sit down for dinner now." he's sitting at the dinner table leaned over at his laptop like he usually is when he's not cooped up in his office. 

cynthia is just now getting plates on the table and setting the silverware. "oh, larry honey, will you put your laptop away? we're gonna eat soon." he grumbles as he goes to put it away and i go to sit at the seat farthest from him. 

"zoe! come down, dinner." i can hear a faint response and decide maybe putting music on could help me calm down. today was already shitty enough, i don't wanna start shit again. 

young the giant plays in my earbuds while i fuck off on my phone. 

cynthia serves me up a plate of something resembling chicken and mixed vegetables. i feel like chicken shouldn't be that color. i'm probably looking at it weird because then she says, "chicken and veggies, honey." 

"right.." 

zoe comes downstairs and immediately looks at me with a face of both annoyance and disgust. it's remarkable how "good to know you got home safe, asshole. you left me stranded at the school!" she's already yelling at me and it hasn't even been two minutes. 

the music keeps me grounded. not really but, if i think it does then maybe it actually will. i would be a lot more pissed right now if i wasn't high. "jesus fucking christ, you stink. are you high right now?" 

"zoe, language." cynthia says in almost stern tone. as stern as she can get.  

by now larry's back and he's sitting across from me. "he's definitely high, look at him." 

"fuck off, larry." 

"language, connor!" 

"fuck off, cynthia." 

"can we please just have a nice dinner for once? how was your day, zoe?" 

she says something about jazz band and her classes. when she mentions evan hansen i look up. everyone's looking at me weird now. 

"what?" 

"zoe says you pushed a boy with a broken arm, is that true?" cynthia asks tentatively. i don't know why she even bothered to ask, the answer is so obvious i don't even have to say anything. she looks at larry as if she's asking him to please say something. 

he coughs. "apologize to that boy tomorrow, connor." 

i know he can't like, read my mind and instantly be able to know that i already tried to do that but it completely backfired on me. but i wish he could read my mind. him telling me to do shit i already know i need to do pisses me off for absolutely no reason. 

i don't say anything. "connor?" he says louder than before. 

"i already did." 

"speak up, i can't hear you." 

"oh fuck off, it's not my fault you're going deaf. i said i already apologized. " 

zoe starts talking again for some reason. "yeah right, i didn't see you for the rest of the day. i had to apologize to him for you. you probably just left school and sat in a park getting high like you always do." 

i mean she's not wrong. but i went back. i said i was sorry. i tried to do something nice. i even signed his fucking cast. 

"fuck you zoe, no one asked for your input." 

cynthia puts her face in her hands. larry gets all red in the face because he's getting increasingly pissed off everytime i speak. "go to your room now, connor." cynthia says before he can even say anything else. 

"gladly." i drop my fork on the table and leave as fast as i can. just to make a show of it i purposefully stomp up the stairs and slam my bedroom door. i get a text on my phone. 

larry: taking your door after dinner. i won't tolerate door slamming in my house anymore. 

oh fuck you. 

fuck you fuck you fuck you. 

i wasn't pissed off before but now i'm actually pissed off. the kind of anger that swallows me up and makes me do stupid shit. 

speaking of stupid shit, maybe i should do it, maybe i should choke down the bottle of pills or slice my arms open. make him see my fucking dead body. yeah that's obviously irrational but when have i ever been rational? 

i could drive my truck into a tree again. or do a number of other stupid shit just to get back at fucking larry. 

i mean, if you think about it, it's a win-win solution. i get to be dead and they don't have to deal with my shit anymore. it gets clearer everyday everyone's tired of dealing with my shit. 

i'm getting tired of my shit too. 

i think back to hansen's weird letter. i pull it out of my jacket pocket, look it over one last time. then i scribble out my own name with sharpie. i slide my window open and look down. i've made this jump before, i can probably do it again. i feel like someone's flipped my switch and put me on airplane mode because before i know it i'm pulling my pills out of my truck and driving off to the park near our house. 

it's now or never, isn't it? i guess this was gonna have to happen either way. i can't imagine myself living a life any different than it is now. 

it's cold as balls out here but i don't take my jacket with me. it doesn't matter either way. i'm sitting against a tree now.

the pill bottle is open and i count them all in my head. 46. 

i take 5 and evan's face pops up in my head again. his face, filled with fear. 

i take another 5. i think of zoe and every face of hatred she's shown me. i deserve every minute of it. 

i wanna cry now. but i don't. i take another 10 all at once. 

i guess i'm either really stupid or really high because i only just now notice that i'm already crying. my cheeks are damp and cold. i take the rest all at once. the pills hurt going down but it doesn't matter. 

none of it matters. 

it's 9pm and the most of my panic attack's effects have subsided! which is..great. i mean, yay bare minimum!

no, i shouldn't say that either. that's not positive thinking is it? i'm still in my room except now it's very dark. mom left for work before i even got back. not that i need her to like, help with my panic attacks or anything but. y'know. it would probably be nice to have her around. 

i need air. my room is small and dark and i want to be anywhere but in it. 

so i walk to the park. it's quiet and i need to clear my head. it's breezy enough outside that my hands aren't so sweaty. that's a good thing. see, doc? i can be positive. 

i walk and walk until i'm there. there's trees and a small playground set. i get on the swingset because swings are arguably the best part about playgrounds. except maybe at night. at night it's kind of scary. i mean, what am i supposed to do if the swing beside me starts swinging on its own? make a circle of salt around myself and wait until the sun rises again? 

but then again who says it's safer in the morning? i mean, it's not like ghosts go off to recharge in the morning just so they can roam around at night scaring the shit out of random people on the swings. 

wait, that would mean ghosts would be real. i need to stop thinking about ghosts. 

for a moment i also get worried about serial killers hiding behind trees waiting to come out and stab me but the entire area is so open that i can tell there's no one here. serial killers, in my opinion, are much scarier than ghosts. with ghosts you can at least argue that they're not real but serial killers? there's so many out there. shit, now i'm thinking about useless topics again. 

i look around me checking for serial killers and/or ghosts. 

no ghosts or serial killers. 

by the tree in front of me i swear i can see something? it's dark and i'm not able to tell what it is. do i want to check what it is? not really. luckily i have my phone for a small beam of light. 

i shine it as close to the tree as i can and can kind of make out a person? it looks like a leg. hopefully attached to a person.  

miraculously my hands manage to get sweaty, even though the constant breeze blowing at me seemed to be keeping them dry. 

i call out a "hello?" 

oh god this is probably a murderer isn't it? i'm gonna die tonight. fuck, i'm gonna die. i'm that stupid person at the beginning of horror movies who dies immediately. i still approach the person because it's too late to go back. 

as i'm getting closer and the person gets clearer my fear subsides. oh. it's just connor. which leads to me wondering why connor would just be laying against a tree late at night. something is clearly wrong. 

what makes my heart hammer in my chest again is seeing the empty pill bottle next to him. oh god, oh fuck. is he dead? please tell me he isn't dead. i rush over to him and shake his shoulder. his lips are slightly blue and his breathing is so slow. 

"connor! connor- come on please wake up." 

he groans slightly and mutters something. his eyes stay closed.  i need to call someone. i scramble to type 911 in my shitty little phone and my call is picked up almost immediately. 

"911, what is your emergency?" 

"please- please send help i think, i think my friend took a bunch of pills. please, he needs an ambulance- he looks really bad."

Chapter Text

i'm sitting in the hospital waiting room, my mom's shift ends at 11:30 so she decided i should just stay and wait for her to clock out then we can just go home together. 

so i basically have..half an hour to do whatever i want. which is flip through different channels on the tv hanging from the ceiling in the corner. 

i can't get connor out of my head. not in the usual way but the image of him getting put into an ambulance, his brown hair greasy and matted. his lips were blue and he was lying so still it seemed like he wasn't breathing. or his mom's face when she ran into the emergency wing of the hospital, all teary eyed and frantically asking for her son. 

connor would most likely be fine, physically at least. they just had to pump his stomach and after that he'd stay for 3 days on suicide watch. 

the weirdest part of all of this is that he asked for me after his parents left. i thought they would've stayed longer, show moral support. apparently not. 

when i walked into the room it was painfully quiet. connor's hair was pulled back in a bun and he was looking straight ahead, a blank expression on his face. 

he only looked up when he heard the door shut behind me. "oh. it's you." 

"you w-wanted to talk to me?" 

he looks down and plays with the bands on his wrists. "yeah, i guess." 

he nods his head at the seat by the bed so i sit down. it's quiet. so quiet in fact, that the perpetual ringing in my ears is even more obvious than usual. 

he finally breaks the silence with, "why did you save me?" 

i freeze in disbelief. "why would i not? you deserve to- you deserve to live." 

"i was an asshole to you." 

"that doesn't mean you should die over it. " 

"no, i probably should've died." 

"i don't. i don't think that's how it works. you shouldn't die just because of one slipup." 

"well, that's how it works in my head, what else do you want me to say?" 

it's quiet again, it seems as if he's thinking very carefully about what to say next. 

"i'm sorry." he says quietly. his sleeves are short and i notice both of his arms are wrapped tightly in gauze. i don't think a single other person has seen connor murphy like this. it makes me feel like i shouldn't be here with him when he's vulnerable. i feel guilty for sitting next to him like this. 

"it's okay." i say, equally quiet. 

"don't say that. you know it's bullshit." 

'it's okay." i say again. 

"you're stubborn, aren't you, hansen?" 

a smile tugs at the edges of my mouth. "are you okay?" 

he looks at me like i'm an idiot. "what do you think?" 

"i mean.. are you gonna be okay?" 

"what does it matter to you? you said it yourself in that fucking letter, you don't even know me." 

"but i want to. i mean- i wanna know you." 

he stops. like he's genuinely surprised that another human being actually wants to get to know him. 

"no you don't. you like the idea of getting to know me but the second it gets too hard you'll turn tail and run away." he's getting defensive again. 

"i won't, please just. give me a chance? to figure out for myself?"

he stares at my face for a long time, like he's trying to read my mind and see what my true intentions are. "well, i'll be the first to tell you, i'm bad news." 

"you're actually not the first." 

jared kleinman, my family friend as he likes to say, makes fun of connor whenever he gets the chance. he of course knows my thing for connor and also makes fun of that extensively. 

i never told him but he says i "stare at connor murphy like he carried your ass to a hospital by foot after you broke your arm falling out of a tree like an acorn. " 

"i'm a shitty person, i do shitty things and i can't be there for you most of the time. there's literally no better way to sell it."

"that's okay." 

he looks at me like i sprouted a second head or something. "jesus, you really are stubborn, aren't you?" 

"i guess so." 

"well, i'm going to sleep soon, i'm tired as fuck. give me your phone, i'll put my number in it. can't say i'll text you though, i don't have my phone half the time anyways." 

i quietly hand it to him and he makes a face at how small it is in his hands. which, okay, fine. it's a pretty shitty little thing. 

he somehow manages to navigate through it and save himself as a contact. 

connor m. 

he didn't need to add his last name, i have six contacts total and i doubt i'll be talking to any other connors anytime soon. he hands my phone back to me and pulls the blanket up over his arms. 

"uh, goodnight then. sleep well." 

"okay. night, hansen." 

i think of the memory fondly. apparently i was lost in thought for the full half hour because mom puts her hand on my shoulder. "evan, honey? you ready to go home?" 

i nod and we get up to go to the car. i don't even notice how tired i am. 

it's tuesday afternoon and i'm carefully sliding a small stack of papers into my backpack, taking extra care to make sure they don't wrinkle. "dude, what are you doing? that is the slowest i've seen a person put paper into their backpack." 

"it's uh, it's for connor. i'm gonna give him the schoolwork he missed." 

"woah, you finally started dating him? when's the wedding?" 

"jared i, we're not, i-" 

"i-i-i-i-, dude i get it, you're totally head over heels in love with murphy's scrawny ass. so what, he's sick and you're gonna be the doting girlfriend you are and help him catch up? can't his, i don't know, sister do that instead?" 

"i offered to do it, we have a bunch of classes together anyway." 

"so considerate." jared bats his eyelashes at me. god, he's so obnoxious sometimes. then he looks down. 

"holy shit, wait, let me see your arm."

jared roughly tugs my arm to him and gawks at it. "holy shit, he covered the entire thing. you're definitely dating, he like, claimed you dude." 

my face suddenly feels hot and i want to change the subject immediately. i pull my casted arm out of jared's grip and back up. 

"can you take me to the hospital? i can just take the bus home after." 

jared looks at me with an eyebrow raised. "and i would do that...why?' 

i sigh. "i'll tell your moms you were nice to me and gave me a ride to see a friend in the hospital. that'll score you extra br-brownie points with them, won't it?" 

jared rolls his eyes. "fine, just get in the car before i change my mind. remember to text them, yeah? don't do that evan thing where you say you'll do something then immediately forget." 

"yeah, right."

we get there in around 15 minutes which is, crazy considering the hospital is actually probably like. 23 minutes away. jared did run a few red lights and went 20 over the speed limit the entire time so that pretty much explains itself. 

"thanks for the ride, jared." 

"yeah, whatever. don't forget to text the moms." 

i walk into the hospital and greet the lady at the front desk. i don't remember her exactly, but when mom's home for dinner she talks a whole lot of shit about her. she seems nice, but i guess it's different to actually work with her full time. 

she directs me to connor's room and waves me off as i walk away. his room is on the second floor, 206.

i knock on the door as loud/quiet as i can. i'm not sure what that means but… it's either not loud enough or he's still asleep. 

i knock again. i hear a "come in?" from inside the room. 

"oh. hey, it's you. you're here again." 

"yeah, i'm here again. i have your schoolwork." 

he groans. "really? that's what you're here for? i'm already in a hospital, you don't have to make me suffer more."

i pause after sitting down in the same chair as before. "i can just do the work for you." 

for some odd reason he glares at me after i suggest that. "ew no, hand it over, i'll do it myself." 

while he's looking at his homework, i only now remember to text one of his moms that he dropped me off the hospital. so i rush to grab my phone out of my bag pocket, because if i don't do it soon while i still remember it'll never happen.

"you expecting someone, hansen?" connor looks at me, an eyebrow raised. 

"oh, no uh, i'm texting jared's mom."

his eyebrow, almost comically, raises higher. 

"jared..? you mean jared kleinman? why the fuck are you texting his mom? " 

"he uh. he dropped me off here so i'm telling his mom. we're family friends so his. his moms pay for his car insurance if he's nice to me." 

"jesus. why are you friends with that guy anyway? he's so fucking annoying. i can't even stand to be in the same room as him for longer than 5 minutes." 

"i mean, we're not actually friends. we're just..family friends." 

that same face of almost-concern is on connor's face again. "that's depressing. is that why you wanna be friends with me so bad? the bar is that low?" 

"it's not that i don't like jared it's just.. complicated. y'know?" 

connor looks back down at his homework. "no, i have very little experience in friendship but what you have going on is just a different level of weird." 

"i don't have anyone else. i can't be picky with my friends." 

"yeah, well. you have me now." 

i feel my cheeks heat up. "oh." a smile tugs at my lips and i look down at my hands in my lap. 

"don't look so happy, dude. i'm like. still pretty shitty, if you forgot." 

connor has a thing about reminding me about how shit he is. i feel like he's still trying to scare me off in some way but i guess it's to be expected. i'll give it time. 

"i think you're nice." 

"hansen, you've known me for a little over one day." 

i look up this time and smile at him. "i know that you're nice." 

he looks back at me and scowls. then he looks down. "dumbass." 

we sit in an almost peaceful silence. as peaceful as it could get at least. don't get me wrong, we've only been talking for a short amount of time so i don't think i'm gonna be used to connor's presence anytime soon. i mean, i'm still not used to jared and i've known him since birth. 

it's quiet until someone knocks on the door. i immediately jump and he looks irritated.  

"connor, it's me!" 

"it's my mom. you can leave if you want, she's fucking annoying." 

"oh, a-alright. i'll come back tomorrow at the same time?" i said tentatively while waiting for connor's confirmation. 

"yeah sure." 

"okay, i'll see you then!" i say. i cringe because i sound too excited to come back and see him again. 

calm down you idiot, you've known him for two days. 

before i get the chance to escape, a middle aged lady is standing behind me. her being in the room makes connor seem more quiet. he's looking down and stabbing holes into a paper instead of writing. 

"whoops, did i spook you? i'm connor's mom, cynthia! it's nice to meet you." 

she holds out her hand for me to shake and i want to run out of the room and never return but instead i just shake her hand. 

"evan. evan hansen." 

her eyes dart down to my cast. she stares at connor's name across the entire cast. 

"dude, stop holding him up, he's leaving." 

she snaps out of whatever confusion she's in and puts a tight smile on her face. 

"right, well it's nice to see connor has a friend here to visit. we'll see you around!" 

i nod curtly. "right, have a nice day mrs. murphy." 

"you too!" 

and i promptly get the fuck out of that room. 

"you ready to see your hubby-to-be, ev?" jared elbows me in the side with his unreasonably sharp elbow. 

"we're not- i've told you this so many times, jared." 

"right, you wanna keep the engagement on the dl. i get it, take your time. an announcement that big should be on your terms." 

sometimes i can hardly tell whether or not jared is actually joking.

"we've only been talking for three days." 

"right, but you see those fuckers on 90 day fiance, don't you? they meet and get married in like the same amount of time." 

"that's not even the same thing at all- we're not engaged!" 

"and to that i say sure. hurry up, i wanna go home." 

"yeah yeah, okay." 

once again we get to the hospital in record time. this time i already know how to get to connor's room. the desk lady waves at me as i walk in and i wave back. 

i knock on the door with a little more confidence than before. "just a minute, don't come in!" connor yells from behind the door. 

he doesn't sound good. 

i wait for a few minutes before starting to feel fidgety. "connor? are you okay?" 

he doesn't answer and i'm not sure what to do. my stomach turns uncomfortably while i figure out my course of action. i think i should just go in. 

i gulp, hands starting to get sweaty. 

i reach out and push the door open. "hey! fuck, i-" 

when i look at connor he's a mess. his hair is down and he's frantically rubbing at his eyes with his hands.  

"i told you to wait, what the fuck, man?" 

"shit, i-i'm sorry. i just, y-you didn't, you didn't sound good. i thought something w-was wrong." 

"yeah no shit something's wrong, fuck." 

"can i, can i help?" 

he snaps at me. "you can help by leaving me the fuck alone when i ask you to." 

i freeze. oh. 

i think my heart falls into my stomach. i look down at my hands. "right. i'm sorry." my voice sounds pathetic and quiet. 

connor goes quiet after i say that.  

his "just sit down." sounds almost like an apology. as i'm slowly walking to the chair i think about how many times connor has said sorry to me in the past two days. 

connor stays quiet after i hand him his homework. it's almost completely silent except for the music connor has on. i only just now notice it but he has music quietly playing on his phone. it's a band i don't know, a guy kind of wail-singing. it sounds angry and sad and the lyrics makes me feel like shit. 

sometimes i forget that connor can be mean. i mean, i know how he is and how he acts at school, but most of the time i've known of him all i've done is admire him from far away. mostly his looks, but in my defense, it's hard to do much more than that when you don't actually talk to each other. 

connor is pretty, he has chocolate brown hair and bright blue eyes and if you look closely he has faded freckles all across his face. 

even now he's still pretty. his hair is down (brushed for once) and he's focused on scrawling down answers on his papers. 

the rest of the visit is uneventful, mostly filled with awkward silence. i leave at the same time as yesterday. 

after school ends i get a text from connor, right as i'm walking to jared's car. 

connor m: hey dont come today, smth happened

evan: are you okay? 

connor m: ya im fine 

u wanna hang out saturday ? 

evan: Sure!

connor m: k 

be there at 3 then

evan: okay:)

"hey uh, you don't need to take me to the hospital today." 

"you get in a fight with him or something?" 

"no, nothing happened." 

"right." 

"seriously, nothing happened. besides, it doesn't matter, he's getting out tomorrow anyways." 

"anyway, you wanna come over? the moms told me to invite you over for dinner." 

"i guess i can, sure." 

jared's moms are nice. it's good to see them every now and then. but overall the dinner is okay, the visit is just okay. the entire week, i guess, is just okay. 

the rest of the week plays out the way my school weeks usually do. uneventful and so boring i feel like doing something impulsive just to shake things up a little. we're only a week in school and i'm already sick of the routine. i think doing the same thing everyday is rotting my brain. 

but now- now it's saturday. technically. it's 1am the night of...saturday. and i'm frantically cleaning the house because connor is coming over later today. 

and i have absolutely nothing done. 

i did tell mom and she said it was fine but her schedule got switched up again so she'd work in the morning and get back sometime in the afternoon so she asked if we'd at least be a little quiet while she took a nap. 

by the time i finished it was around 4am and i was just ready to crash the fuck out. 

so i did. 

to my horror i wake up to my phone ringing very loudly . 

shit. 

it's 3pm. 

connor's calling and i rub my eyes while reaching for my phone. 

"hello?" 

"open the door." 

"oh- shit you're here already?"

"yes, let me in."

"uh- fuck okay, gimme a second." 

"okayyyy." 

he hangs up and i rush to actually get kind of dressed but not too dressed. it seems weird to get really dressed up just for someone to come over. but it also seems rude to not be dressed. so i just wear the most casual clothes i can. 

once i'm finished i go to the door. he's leaning against the wall by the door and looking down when i see him. he looks nice, his hair is brushed and pulled back in a half-bun, with some still loose. he looks up at me and almost smiles. 

"hey hansen." 

i think my heart flips at that. he sounds like he just woke up but like, in a good way. 

"hi! come in, sorry it's kinda small." 

he walks in and looks around with a blank expression. "nah, don't worry, it's nice. it's homey." 

"we can watch that show you were telling me about?" 

he lights up. "really?" 

"yeah, of course!" 

"nice, nice. you won't regret this."

i'm not sure what i'm expecting, from what connor told me about the show i feel like i'm just gonna get really sad and just feel bad about myself while watching it. but he says it's good so i'll try to watch it. 

connor sets up the show and leaves his boots on the floor by the couch while i bring snacks over with blankets. the last week was awkward and uncomfortable but i'm determined to make this a good night. 

he takes the blanket and wraps it around himself and i put the snacks in the middle. 

he looks nice like this, quieter. less tense. 

i wish other people could see him like this. but i also want to keep this moment all to myself. i settle down next to him with my own blanket. 

horsin' around is filmed before a live studio audience. 

Chapter Text

"ew, it looks kinda weird." 

i look at evan's now-uncovered wrist, it's noticeably paler than the rest of his arm. 

"it's not too weird."

"how do you feel, evan?" his mom asks. 

"my arm feels gross. i hate it." 

"it's not that bad. you just gotta wash it." 

"i mean, i guess. " 

heidi's talking to the doctor about something and i poke evan's weird arm. "oh, no, you're right, it's gross." 

"see?" 

"yep, you're right, absolutely disgusting."

"dude."

the doctor turns to evan and tells him the arm will be stiff but it's healed fine and he should be alright. all good stuff. heidi seems really happy with that news and talks about how proud of evan she is the entire time we're walking back to her car. 

the drive back to their house is freezing. my mom was right when she said i was getting thin. i sit a little too close to evan, hoping to get some warmth. for a moment, he looks up at me then looks away and scoots closer. his thigh is pressing against mine. 

i hope he's not uncomfortable. 

i stare at our legs and i wonder how we got to this point. a month ago if you told me that evan hansen would end up being my best friend i would've called bullshit. 

but here we are, in the back of his mom's car, sitting far too close. 

it's good. this is working. 

it's working almost too well and i suddenly wonder how long it'll be until i fuck up whatever we have going on. and i'm not ready to let go of it yet. i just got a taste of something real and if i ruin it by fucking up i don't know what i'll do. 

"you okay?" 

"yeah, sorry. just thinking."

he makes a sound of acknowledgement and it's quiet until we get to his house. 

when we walk in, there's two balloons next to a mini cake that has congrats on getting your cast removed! written on it in green icing. 

"aw, mom, that's-" 

she cuts him off and pulls evan into a tight hug. "i love you, ev." 

"love you too."

heidi pulls away and ruffles his hair. he looks slightly embarrassed and clutches the edge of his shirt. "you didn't have to do this." 

"come on, it's nothing. i wanted a nice time with you, honey." 

i feel awkward, like i'm intruding. i stuff my hands in my pockets and look down. 

"do you want a slice, connor?" 

i haven't had anything today but i don't have much of an appetite. "uh, no i'm okay." 

"i'll just give you a plate for later just in case."

evan takes his cake, sits down on the couch and looks at me, patting the seat next to him. right, yeah, movie night. forgot we were doing that. 

i sit next to him and he moves closer. i'm really not sure when that started happening but honestly? not complaining. his cell phone goes off and he turns it on. 

i don't wanna ask what it is, i mean, it's none of my business. he makes an annoyed groan and starts typing. okay now i want to make it my business.  "what's up?" 

"it's jared."

"ignore him."

"connor, i can't just. i can't ignore him."

"right."

he types for a long time before finally shutting the phone off and slipping it into his pocket. "are you okay?" 

"ugh he just- he's getting pissy at me because i didn't invite him." 

"so? he's not even your friend. he's constantly family friend-zoning you."

"yeah i said that and he said it's just been a joke and- i didn't even know! he always sounded so serious."

evan is getting really worked up over this dickwad so i think of a good way to get him to stop thinking about it so much. "don't think about it right now, yeah? deal with him later."

he huffs and pokes at his cake. "okay."

"you're still gonna think about it, aren't you?" 

"yeah."

"just don't."

"no?"

"just don't think."

he squints at me. "is there something wrong with you? you of all people should get this. " 

"no, i don't have any other friends, hansen. i've told you before, your situation is very unique."

evan sticks his tongue out at me. 

heidi soon returns with popcorn, turns off the lights and sits down next to me. now we're about ready to start a movie. she starts something evan chose earlier, but i'm not sure what it is. 

i yawn and absentmindedly eat popcorn. 

we're halfway into the second movie when i decide i need the bathroom. heidi's asleep, slumped against the arm of her chair.

i walk into the bathroom by evan's bedroom and shut the door quietly. the movie isn't all that interesting and i'm getting antsy. 

i feel so much better now. but right before leaving i stare at myself in the mirror and notice the bit of blood under my nose. i swipe it away and return to my spot next to evan, he's half paying attention while looking at something on his phone.  

"you took a while, the main character did something stupid but i wasn't paying attention."

"all main characters do stupid things."

i sit next to him and he starts looking at me really weird. "co-connor, your nose is bleeding."

i go to pat my upper lip and i look at my fingertip. blood. 

"oh. i guess it is."

"hold on." 

he goes off to the bathroom and brings me back a roll of toilet paper. "here."

"thanks." and i gracefully stuff toilet paper into my nostril. 

i forget the movie is still playing when suddenly something really loud happens on-screen and jolts heidi awake. "oh shit- what time is it?" she turns her phone on and squints at it. 

"i should get some sleep. you boys can handle buying a pizza and breadsticks, right?" and she puts $30 on the table. 

she kisses evan on the forehead and pats my shoulder. "goodnight, guys." 

"night, mom." 

"goodnight."

her bedroom door shuts. "you wanna turn this movie off? it kinda sucks ass, sorry."

"i guess that's alright, i don't really have anything else to do though."

i think for a minute or two while he's looking at shows and movies on the tv. "you wanna smoke?" 

evan's eyes widen and he whips his head around to look at me. "like...drugs?" 

"yes, crack."

"um."

"it's just weed."

"oh. i don't think that makes it much better." 

"hansen, you won't die. but i mean you don't have to. you can just sit next to me while i smoke." 

"the smell?"

"i don't know, just shower?"

"good point, okay." 

"great."

"not inside the house, though."

i nod while putting my boots back on. "backyard then." 

"okay."

before we go i pull the toilet paper out of my nose, it took forever to finally stop bleeding. 

i slide open the door to the backyard and step out, it's breezy tonight. evan sits next to me on the grass and watches intently as i struggle to get my lighter to stay lit. of course out of all the times it could be getting screwy it had to be the time where someone is watching me. 

it's fucking freezing, i should've worn another long sleeve under this jacket. 

evan's eyes are wide as i take it to my lips and take a long inhale. i look into his eyes while i'm doing it and his face goes red. he's been acting weird all day, short answers, fidgety. 

i don't know what kind of homoerotic shit is going on right now but i'm kind of into it. evan isn't bad looking, he could probably be someone i'd be really into. i could probably love him. 

"you sure you don't want any?" 

he looks down at his hands. "uh." 

"that's okay." 

we sit in silence for a while before he speaks up again. "what's it like?" 

i raise an eyebrow at him. "hm?" 

"being. high." 

i furrow my eyebrows. "i don't know, it's nice i guess? i'm probably calmer?"

he's thinking for a while, i can literally see the gears turning in his head. "can i try?" 

"okay. you saw how i did it, right?" 

he nods really fast, fluffy blonde hair bouncing a little. it looks soft.

"here." 

he takes it and tries to copy what i did earlier but it doesn't work out too well. he ends up a coughing, sputtering mess. "i'm sorry, i don't- how do you-" 

"don't worry, it's fine, you wanna try again?" 

evan nods, rubbing away the tears at the corners of his eyes. "slowly."

he tries again. 

and kind of gets it. kind of. he still ends up coughing but it's better than last time. 

i have an idea. just to test a theory out. 

"come here. sit in front of me."

he does it and looks at me expectantly. i get up on my knees, a little bit taller than him, and lean into him to tilt his chin up with one hand. 

evan's face heats up under my hand and i smile a little. "ah, open your mouth." 

i draw in some smoke and his eyes are seriously the size of dinner plates. i lean in a little too close and blow it into his mouth. this time is perfectly fine, no coughing other than the one after he backs away, still surprised. 

"wh- what? connor i- what?" 

"are you okay?" 

"that was like a kiss?" 

"i didn't kiss you, that was a shotgun."

his voice is really soft when he says, "oh."

i take another hit. "you don't have to do it again if you don't want to." 

"it's okay. it was okay." 

"yeah?" 

"yeah."

"come back then."

evan moves back in front of me and we finish off the rest in no time. "i don't feel different." 

"wait a few minutes, geez."

"what if i'm immune?" 

"i don't think that's possible."

"am i gonna die?" 

"you're not gonna die, it's just weed."

"yeah but what if-" 

i put my hand on top of his and squeeze it. "i'm right here, nothing bad is gonna happen to you."

he looks down at our hands. "can we go inside?" 

"of course."

we're standing up when out of nowhere, "oh god."

"it just hit you, didn't it?" 

"did it?" 

"probably, come on." 

i pull evan all the way up and inside the house. 

"you wanna order pizza?" 

evan considers it before shaking his head. "hate ordering over the phone."

"snacks?" 

"yes please." 

evan flops backwards onto the couch, "woah- are you okay?" 

"my body feels weird."

"you're high."

"i'm only 5'8, silly."

i roll my eyes at that. "did you know one of your eyes has a brown spot?" evan says in a matter of fact tone.  

"yeah."

"you do?" 

"it's my eye, hansen." 

"ohhhhhhhh."

i sit down next to him. "connor?" 

"yeah?" 

"hey."

evan is kind of slumped into the couch and i have to look down to even look at him. "hi."

he's kind of cute like this. in a puppy way. evan has puppy dog eyes. it's cute. "i feel nice."

"that's good."

he grins up at me and something weird happens because i smile back at him without even thinking of it. "you smiled! you have a nice smile."

"thanks, evan." 

"first name." 

"pfft, yeah. i said your first name." 

he's so chill like this, it's so weird and nice at the same time. evan really is nice, i want to wrap him up in a hug and hide him away from the rest of the world. it's too fucked up for someone like him. 

"chips, con."

"con?"

"connie." 

i'm not sure how i feel about that one. then he takes it a step further. "cornie."

"okay, what the hell?" 

"it's like corn chips."

"no, i got that part."

evan looks at me again. "chips?"

"oh, chips. here."

i hand him the bag and he quiets down, munching thoughtfully. "do you want some?" 

and he's moved the bag to me. i know i smoked too but i think the coke from earlier cancelled it out like pemdas. or did it? i'm really hungry actually, i've barely had anything today. 

"you haven't had anything today, connor."

"connor?"

"connie."

"okay, i'll eat some chips." 

"that's good."

we finish the full bag of chips in a short amount of time before evan decides it's time to go to bed because he's really fucking tired. 

i decide to offer, "uh, i can just sleep on the floor, you can take the couch." 

"you wanna just sleep in my room? my back hurts from sleeping on the couch, i'm sure it's the same for sleeping on the floor." 

i've seen evan's bedroom a grand total of two times, he mostly avoids showing me it for some reason. i never asked why, if he wanted to tell me he would. 

we walk in and honestly it's just a normal room. there's a desk in one corner with a built in shelf, filled with books. some nature, a few fiction, but mostly nature actually. "you have a lot of tree books."

"yeah, i love trees!"

i turn my back to evan because i realize he's changing and i'm not totally comfortable with looking my new friend in the eye while he's shirtless.

"do you wanna change? i don't know if my stuff will fit you, you're kind of taller than me. but you're also kind of skinny so maybe that makes up for it?" 

"no it's okay, i have another shirt under here." 

a short sleeve. my arms aren't bandaged anymore like they were after i got out of the hospital. these past few weeks have been...hard. 

"are you gonna wear jeans to bed?" 

"yes."

evan wrinkles his nose at me. "dude."

"i brought sweatpants?" 

"please. you heathen." 

"turn around please."

evan turns while i pull my jeans off and sweatpants on. "okay, i'm done."

"oh nice." 

he turns back around, eyes darting down for a split second, then back at my face. pink starts to dust his face. i want to make a cheeky comment like you like what you see? but that might be going too far. 

before evan gets into bed, he flicks the light off, but the room isn't fully dark because of the lava lamp on his desk. evan crawls into the bed, taking the wall space. he pats the spot next to him so i slip under the blanket and i consider whether i should take my jacket off or not. 

i take it off and push my arms under the covers. he looks at me and then looks away. "it's not just you."

"don't quote bojack horseman at me, hansen."

"shush it, murphy. " 

i pretend to be shocked and gasp dramatically. 

"i mean it though...i get it. i don't wanna push you to talk about it but i get it."

i don't know what to say. until i do. "you're sweet, evan."

this is one of the things that probably makes him go red in the face. evan gets flustered a lot.

we're laying down together, kind of facing each other at arm's length. "can you come here?" evan asks quietly. i scoot closer. 

"we are...friends, right?" he asks tentatively. 

"yeah of course."

i don't know how to handle being this close to another person. i get so little physical touch that this right here is like setting out a nice dinner and i'm a guy who hasn't eaten properly in weeks. he's so close and far away at the same time. 

evan looks at my arms, not judgmental just looks. and he pats the inside part of my wrist, gesturing me to move it up. and in a second, he's pushed himself into my arms, face against my chest. i think i forget how to breathe. 

he speaks again, muffled by my shirt. "just as friends tonight."

"just as friends." i repeat. 

my other arm is squished under my body so i kind of shove it under evan's waist, which surprisingly, is not crushing it. his other arm is resting against my waist, and it's so warm. evan is really warm, he's like a space heater. 

this is...definitely a strange situation i've got myself in. just four weeks ago i would've never imagined myself in the bed of this boy, holding him and listening to him breathe. i'm sure he can hear my heart hammering in my chest.  

"hansen...i wanna show you something tomorrow."

"what is it?" 

"a surprise."

"i don't really like surprises." 

"it's a good surprise, i know you'll like it."

evan yawns. "are you gonna fall asleep?"

"yeah i think so."

"goodnight, hansen."

"goodnight connie."

i don't know how long it is until evan's breaths even out and he's clearly fallen asleep. i take the chance to touch his hair and it's as soft as it looks. 

i'm tired but this… is something i want to remember happened. i don't know when i'll get another chance for something like this. so i lay there quietly listening to all the sounds in the room. 

i stay up until i'm physically unable to, holding evan, hiding him away from the rest of the world.

Chapter Text

"hansen."

someone's shaking my shoulder. 

i squeeze my eyes shut and blindly slap the hand shaking me. "go away." 

"hansen wake up, i brought you tea. let's go."

i groan and open my eyes. connor's standing over me with a cup of tea. he's fully dressed and seems to have been awake for a while. i sit up and rub my eyes with my hands. "my body feels weird."

"yeah you probably got too high, it'll go away. come on, i wanna show you that place i mentioned last night." the room is still dark. 

"connor it's-it's still last night."

"no it's not, it's five." 

he hands me the cup of tea and i take a sip of it. it's warm and makes me wanna go back to sleep. "that doesn't make it any better, you know." 

i yawn and stretch, popping my back. 

"where are we going?" 

connor pauses. "it's a surprise, remember?" 

i set my tea down on the nightstand and start getting dressed. connor's faced away on his phone, typing a lot. i can hear the typing and his nails tapping away against the screen. i think about asking him what's up but decide against it. there's no use pushing him. i put my socks and shoes on really slowly because the sock on my foot feels really weird, kind of tingly and floaty. "you good?" 

connor's looking at me all weirded out, like i'm a crazy person. "uhh yes?" 

being high isn’t like being drunk, i remember what happened last night. i remember how connor felt against me and the thought makes my head feel spinny. part of me is wondering if it actually happened or if i just dreamed it up, my high mind making up a dream that i desperately want to happen. i decide i should let myself ask him at least one thing. 

“what was that last night?” i ask while my hands start shaking. i can already feel them getting sweaty. 

“what do you mean?” 

“i mean.. that stuff. in my bed. before we fell asleep.” 

the room is dim but i can tell his face is going red. “oh right. listen, i think my inhibitions were just low, y’know? i was tired and high and-” 

i feel sick to my stomach. “right, yeah i didn’t anything of it either.” 

he looks down at his hands and slides his phone in his pocket. “i’m sorry if i gave you the wrong idea. i'm not really looking for something like that right now.” 

everytime he says something else i feel closer to throwing up. i should’ve known that meant nothing to him, what was i expecting? we’ve gotten so close these past few weeks but i still let myself think something was there. i’m an idiot. “don’t even worry about it, i didn’t think there was anything there. do you wanna just go to that place you were talking about?” 

“yeah! yeah, we need to go now. it’s getting late and we’re losing time.” concern seemed to flash over his face before he said that. i must have looked pretty upset. 

i stand up, the memory of his hand running through my hair and his legs pressed against mine running through my mind. i want to cry. i don’t want to look at connor or be around connor right now when i’m feeling this bad. but i follow him out the door and into the passenger seat of his truck and let him take me to god knows where. the truck takes a long time to start up. he passes his phone to me, already plugged into the aux cord. “put some music on.” 

i scroll through his music until i find something good. “you know juno?” 

“fuck yeah i do, it’s a great movie.” 

so of course i play it. it goes to shuffle and one of my favorites plays. we sit in perfect silence until it gets to a part that hits a little too close to home. 

you’re such a good friend i hafta break your heart 

i’ll tell you that i love you then i’ll tear your world apart 

just pretend i didn’t tear your world apart 

i look to my right, away from connor. i can’t look him in the face right now. i think i need a while before i recover from what happened. he’s quiet while the music keeps playing and i feel my eyelids getting heavy again. i slump in my chair a little, getting as comfortable as possible. the seat is relatively soft, soft enough for me to fall asleep in. 

“hansen.” 

something shaking my shoulder again. “hansen, wake up, we’re here.” i yawn and stretch, looking around. “how long has it been?” 

he shrugs. “eh, hour, hour and a half maybe.”

i step out, my legs a little bit like jelly. i’m not completely sure where we are until i look around farther and see tons of apple trees.  : “are we at the old apple orchard?” 

he nods enthusiastically. “yeah! it’s my favorite place ever. i thought you’d like it, because, you know, your thing is trees.” 

i look around in amazement at everything. i went here a couple times with my parents before everything that happened. "i thought this place was shut down?" 

connor approaches a large metal gate. "it was, but i still come here. someone's gotta eat all those apples." 

he effortlessly scales the gate before hopping down to the ground and looking at me expectantly. "coming?" 

for a moment i forget my cast is off and almost say i have a broken arm. i look down at my arm and run my fingers against the scar. "right, climbing a gate can't be much different than a tree i guess." 

i do try my best to copy what connor did but i'm just not as good. the comparison is just not fair though, he's clearly had a lot of experience! i land on my side but get up quickly as if it didn't happen. connor stifles a laugh at my clumsiness. "you okay?" he finally asks after his horrible attempt at hiding laugh stops. 

i rub my shoulder and in a fake-serious voice say, "oh no, connor it's broken." he looks at my face and back to my shoulder before laughing again. "dude you're so stupid, let's go." 

he turns his back to me and gestures to follow with his arm. he starts talking again, more like talking at me rather than an actual conversation but i'm not complaining. "i used to come here all the time with my family." 

"really?" 

he nods before going on. "yeah it was kind of a tradition, you know? we stopped when i pretty much hit middle school." 

connor's face falls at that and he starts talking quieter. "are you okay?" 

he snaps out of it and tugs on a piece of hair framing his face. "yeah, yeah. i'm cool." 

i’m not sure i believe that. "but anyway, they used to have a petting zoo, apple cider and hay rides. it was so cool when i went, i loved the goats." 

i picture little connor running around with goats and smile. he's leading me up a hill overlooking a large, empty pen. we walk to one of the biggest trees here and he drops his bag on the ground. "this is where we used to sit all the time. we'd get food from stands and set up a picnic everytime." 

i look around the area, it really is perfect for a picnic. "we should do that sometime, here." 

connor's processing what i said while sitting down. he looks up at me, his face alight with a happiness i haven't seen before. "really?" 

"yeah, of course. let's do it, it'll be fun!" i smile at him. 

he pats the grass next to him and i sit. "thanks for letting me drag you out here. i know it's like the crack ass of dawn."

"it's alright. the view is worth it."

the view really was worth it. by now the sun was beginning to show and the sky was turning shades of blue and pink rather than black.

"you think the view is better if we're sitting in the tree?" 

i look up the tree, it's not too tall. it's less the height and more of the climbing part that i'm not excited for. i cradle my once broken arm and suddenly feel a little sweaty. "i guess it could be." 

"let's go up! i wanna see." 

connor promptly stands up and stretches a lot, his back cracking every time. "is that normal?" 

"absolutely not." 

"oh-" 

he begins climbing up and sits in a good spot, kind of in the middle of the entire tree. "come up, it's nice." 

my palms are so damp now it's embarrassing. "oh, right, sure." 

i feel the tree bark under my hands and grip it, looking for a spot to step up. this feels so familiar and my heart starts pumping a little faster. my stomach is already flipping in a bad way. the last time i did this is when i… 

"hey, you okay?" 

i snap out of it. "yeah, i'm fine. i'm coming up."

i start climbing up, ignoring the bad feeling in my gut. i sit near connor, lower than him but still high enough to see the sunset from the same spot as him. "dude you look really pale. are you okay?" 

i go to speak and he seems to be hit with a wave of realization. "shit, you broke your arm climbing a tree. i'm sorry, do you wanna go down?" 

my hands are balled up in my lap, fingernails digging into my palms. he notices this and slips fingers through mine, moving my nails away from the palms. i almost forget how sweaty my hands are when he does this, he doesn't even react to the gross sweaty mess i am. "stop doing that." he says quietly. 

"let's just get down, okay?" 

i nod. he gets down before me and reaches up to help me step down. i take his hand gladly. 

when we're sitting down on the ground he still hasn't let go of my hand, but when he realizes this he drops it like it burned him. 

my heart drops at that and i look away from him. is it that bad to hold my hand? his gesture reminds me of what he said earlier, about last night not meaning anything. the thought of it all makes my head spin. i watch the still rising sun peeking out instead of looking at connor. 

i hate that he can be nice to me like that. that he does things like stop me from breaking the skin of my palms. or even how he held me last night. i wish he hadn't done it. i wish none of it had ever happened. this is seriously complicating my already complicated feelings about connor. 

besides that, doesn't he know how i feel? he read that letter, shouldn't he know? and if he knows, does he realize what he's doing? i wonder if all of this is just to mess with me. i suddenly feel like i'm being led on. "why did you do that last night?" 

"i did a lot of things last night, hansen." 

"you know what i mean." 

"because...you asked me to? you said it'd be as friends?" 

"i just. i can't shake it." 

he starts sounding kind of upset, voice shaking while he's talking. "that's not my fault. it's not my fault things are weird now." 

"are you mad that i asked you to do it? because i'm sorry, okay? i didn't think it'd make things weird and. and if you don't, if you don't wanna be friends anymore, then fine." 

connor huffs and runs his hands through his hair in a frantic motion. "that's not what i'm saying, i just didn't expect things to go that way. i still wanna be friends with you."

"why?" 

"i don't know, because i give a shit about you? because your stubborn ass kept showing up in the hospital everyday and now you're just- part of my life. 

i don't know what else to say to him. what do people even do in situations like this? 

"i'm sorry, connor."

my face feels hot and my eyes burn. i try to will myself not to cry but a tear rolls out of my eye and i wipe at it.

he goes quiet. "don't cry, i'm sorry. let's just..figure it out later." 

connor leans over and wipes my oncoming tears away. "please don't cry." 

"i'm trying." 

"do you wanna get ice cream?" 

his out of the blue suggestion takes me out of the moment. "isn't it kind of early? and cold?" 

"i know a place." 

"i don't have any money with me." 

"i'll pay, come on. don't pass up free ice cream." 

"pfft fine. let's go." 

Chapter Text

without a word i get up from the dinner table, zoe’s looking up at me with an expression i can’t place. maybe she looks angry. or fed up. she has the same expression as cynthia, but with a lot more anger. i don’t look at larry. all i can think is that i need to get out of here right now. 

my body feels weightless as i’m walking out of the house, nearly sprinting. i go on autopilot the second i push my key into the ignition. the drive over to evan’s house feels much longer than it usually is, but i know it’s the same. i barely register the streetlights or the car in front of me before realizing i shouldn’t be this close . 

i slam on the brakes and my body gets thrown forward, nose seeming to barely brush the steering wheel. the stream of blood, however, says otherwise. i pinch the bridge of my nose and keep driving one-handed, i’m almost there anyways. 

evan’s house is only a few minutes away.  

somehow i don’t even have to ask evan if i can stay over at his house for a bit. i just show up .and he fully embraces it. 

he doesn’t ask questions, he just opens the door and lets me in. he overlooks my red eyes, messy hair and bleeding nose and wraps a blanket around my shoulders. then he pushes a cup of hot tea and a roll of toilet paper into my hands. even turns away when i stuff a few squares into my nostril. 

we watch the good place without saying a word and i don’t complain. heidi is sleeping in the other room anyways and we can’t disturb her. 

when it gets too late to stay up and my eyelids start feeling heavy he lends me a pair of sweatpants and looks away while i’m changing. we brush our teeth in comfortable silence and then head to bed. 

evan lets me have the wall side of the bed and takes the other side, his lava lamp lit up on his desk turning the walls blue. i don’t fall asleep immediately and stare up at the ceiling, the room glows blue and it feels like we’re at the bottom of the ocean together. 

i listen to his breathing next to me. 

i know he’s staring at me but i don’t say anything. i don’t think i can. he seems to understand and doesn’t say a word. matching the imagery, my head feels like it’s at the bottom of the ocean too. everything seems a little muffled, like i’m wearing thick earmuffs. there’s not too much time to dwell on it, though, because the ache creeps into my body and i decide that sleeping is much better than mindlessly staring at the ceiling. 

i pretend not to notice when he presses against me, the much needed weight and warmth eases my mind. 

Chapter Text

there’s some kind of stillness in the car when connor is driving me home from school and it makes me…so uncomfortable. he’s quiet and still.

“are you okay?”

connor just hums in response.

“i didn’t see you at school today.”

this one makes him pause. “yeah, i didn’t go.”

i wonder if i should tell him about my encounter with zoe murphy today.

it happened right as i walked through the doors, she seemed to be waiting just by the lockers. “hey, you! evan, right?”

she looks a bit like a mess, hair slightly unkempt and clothes ruffled. she has connor’s striking blue eyes and i immediately avert eye contact. “yeah, i- i am.”

zoe stops like she’s thinking carefully about her words. like she’s hiding something and is trying to be sure about what she wants me to know. she starts up again, voice cracking slightly, “so…”

i hold onto the straps of my backpack. “connor went to your house last night, right?”

i nod slowly. “he did.”

she sighs heavily and runs a hand through messy brown hair. “listen, he’s in rough shape right now, he got in a fight with our dad last night. you should be careful while you’re around him. he might say something wrong to you and hurt your feelings or something.”

my gut twists uncomfortably. i feel a little defensive because no, he didn’t say anything wrong to me and no he didn’t hurt my feelings, and even if he did, it’s none of your business, thank you very much.

so with a little too much force i start throwing questions at her. “what happened? what was it about?”

zoe just looks down. “ask him yourself, i gotta get to class.”

i work up the courage to finally bring up what i've been thinking about the entire ride. this isn't as easy as i'm expecting it to be and i croak my words out. “uh, zoe asked about you.”

connor’s grip on the steering wheel tightens, his knuckles stark white. “what did she say?”

“she just asked if you went to my place and that you got in a fight with your dad.”

i leave out the warning she gave me, i don’t expect him to like hearing of that. "connor?"

"can we talk about this later?"

"uh- yeah. sure."

and that's it. we sit in silence the rest of the drive home. when i get out i expect connor to stay back in the truck but he follows me out and into my house again. not that i'm complaining, i appreciate having company when mom's away.

he drops his bag by the couch and plops down into it. i do the same and settle down in the space next to him.

but i'm not really sure where i'm supposed to sit. what's an appropriate distance for me to sit from him? my heart squeezes at the thought of leaning into him. i vaguely remember what it was like, how he smelled like smoke and lavender.

"hey, you wanna smoke?"

his voice makes me jump, which consequently makes connor look at me funny. "sure."

mom's already at work so there's no harm. i can always shower before she gets back anyways.

connor smiles a little at that before digging around in his bag before producing a little rolled up joint. i lead him outside again and sit down on the grass. i watch him light it up, take a hit and then pass it to me. "you think you can do it this time?"

i nod. i wish he would offer to do shotguns again. the thought makes my face feel a little warm. he raises an eyebrow at me.

i carefully take it from him and try my best to inhale slowly and without choking like a fool.

to my dismay, i still end up a coughing, sputtering mess. connor barks a laugh at that and plucks the joint from my hand before i can drop it. "do you need me to help you again?"

he's already sitting up before i can say anything and gesturing a come here motion. so i scoot closer, knees barely brushing against each other. i watch him draw in the smoke before he cups my jaw and pulls me in closer.

"ah."

his lips barely graze against mine as the smoke passes and all i can focus on is his hand on my face. he pulls away soon after and i find myself longing for the touch again. i cough again, but less.

"here, hold on."

he draws in a hit for himself before passing it back to me again. "slowly."

i try again, this time is a little easier. the next few minutes are quiet save for the occasional coughing from me. once it's burned down to a tiny little stub connor snuffs it out on the grass and lies back down.

i follow, keeping myself at arm's length from him. the clouds seem a lot nicer when you're high.

he's quiet. "connor?"

"hm?"

"do you wanna talk about it?"

he sighs loudly and it makes me feel guilty for bringing it up again. but the curiosity eating away at my gut is nearly unbearable at this point. "zoe told you what happened last night?"

"she said you had a fight with your dad."

"listen, i.."

a pause. he sits up and i follow along, facing him.

"i don't exactly get along with any of them. what happened last night wasn't really out of the ordinary."

the question, "so why did you seem so messed up over it?" slips out before i can stop myself. the instant regret seeps in when he snaps,

"last night things just went too far, okay? that's it. i just had to leave. now can you drop it?"

"i'm sorry i pushed i just.."

"what, couldn't keep yourself out of my business? if i wanted to tell you i would've done it already."

his eyebrows are furrowed and his mouth is in a tight frown, which contributes to the growing ache in my chest. i hold my sweaty hands together and stare down at them. i feel almost like a petulant child being scolded.

i feel like crying. or throwing up. probably both. so i do what i do best and get up and leave.

"evan, i, wait-"

he shoots up and grabs my wrist, pulling me back. i immediately try to squirm out of his grip and get away as fast as possible. "connor, let go."

"evan, stay, please. i'm sorry, i didn't mean to yell at you."

his grip on my wrist feels almost tingly and calls to attention that i'm still very much high. i feel like i'm moving in slow motion as i'm just standing there. i shake my head at this thought and try to focus.

my eyes burn, tears threatening to fall. "you can't keep doing this, you can't just- snap at me and then immediately start asking for forgiveness. it's confusing. i was really worried about you, connor. you can't just-"

i choke on a sob and the flood gates open, tears finally spilling. "you can't just, you can't just turn up on my doorstep bloody and, and crying and expect me to not ask a few questions."

he's still holding my wrist. "i'm sorry, evan."

he lets go and moves to wipe my tears away, but the sudden movement triggers a sharp flinch. "shit, i'm sorry, i'm not.."

connor goes quiet and continues with his movement, wiping oncoming tears away. we stand there for a moment, not saying a word. part of me is angry with him. what gives him the right to make me cry so much? when does this cross a line and start getting unhealthy?

i speak up, voice raspy from crying. "you can't keep doing this to me."

"i'm gonna work on it, okay? this isn't gonna happen again."

sounds like my dad. "don't make promises."

"fine, okay, i'm not. but i'm gonna work on it for you, okay?"

his voice is steady and he's looking me directly in my face but i'm dodging his eye contact. i nod slowly. "okay."

"are we okay?"

i stare down at the ground. "i don't know. i guess. or not, i don't know."

he sighs, quieter. "that's okay. let's just… go inside. i'll order pizza."

i nod again. "okay."

Chapter Text

see, i know i’m a dick. i know i shouldn’t treat my only friend that way. but just knowing that i shouldn’t do things isn’t enough to stop me from doing them. it’s always been like that, so subsequently, it has made my life hell. 

i've never really had friends because of said issues. so with evan everything is new and scary. and i'm constantly handling every situation with him with safety gloves. with him i feel like i'm always on edge, because if something goes even the slightest bit wrong i could lose what we're just starting to have. 

that night he slept next to me but near the edge, facing away, like he wanted to be near but not too close. like i'd attack at any moment. 

i almost wanted to leave. but i stayed and stared at the blue ceiling. 

the next morning i got dressed and bought him hot tea and a coffee for myself while driving to school. in the parking lot he stopped me and said, "do you mind if we have some space for a bit?" 

i nodded. "that's fine." 

and that was that. i didn't think much of it. because it truly was fine. 

we walked into school and parted ways, going different directions. i wonder if space extended to eating lunch. i almost texted him to ask but when i saw him with jared kleinman my question answered itself. 

my stomach turned uncomfortably at the sight. he's actually laughing and smiling and i want to curl in on myself. have i ever made him laugh like that? so i do what i do best. i turn the other way and leave the school. 

i slip earbuds into my ears and turn my music up, up, up. it's loud, screaming in my ears until my head is pounding from the music. i need to leave immediately.  

so i get in my truck and drive off to the orchard. my only other safe space outside of evan's house. reflecting on it, i've been clinging onto evan ever since we met. he's the one i ran to when i was upset and the one i go to when i don't have anywhere else to go. i can't recognize myself anymore. 

soon enough i'm pulling into the orchard parking lot and looking through my glove compartment for my little altoid tin. i find it and pocket it before climbing over the gate, briskly walking off to my spot. 

i sit there smoking until it's sundown and i'm not quite sure what to do. am i supposed to just go home and pretend i hadn't left at all? what did i do before evan was in my life? it's like i don't know who i was before i knew evan. i feel pathetic while i drive back to my own house. i walk through the door and it seems like no one's there so i go up the stairs. 

the door is gone. it's been gone since my attempt in september. 

the bed is unmade, there's trash scattered all over the floor. window is still agape from all the times i blew smoke out of it. i kick most of the trash under the bed and collapse into it. the feeling of being home after being away for a long time settles in as i stare at the wall.

the rest of the day goes by too fast, not that it mattered much since i spent most of it in bed anyways. and the only thing that pulled me out of my own head was the barely-there taps on my doorframe. "connor?" cynthia's voice calls. 

i don't answer and pull the blanket over my head. i hear her footsteps leading to my spot on the bed and feel the bed creak down where she's sitting. "connor, are you alright?" 

she places a warm hand where my shoulder is and i don't have the strength to nudge it off. i just lay there in silence. "i have some soup for you. do you want some?" 

i shake my head as best as i can while laying down. "honey, you're getting so thin, you have to eat something." 

my voice is muffled from the blanket over my head. "'m not hungry." 

she sighs loudly and rubs my back for a minute. "okay, i'm gonna go. do you want me to bring you your meds?" 

right. meds. i forgot i was supposed to even be taking those, i stopped around the time i met evan. shortly after i got out of the hospital i flushed them. she must have gotten them refilled. 

i hate how they make me feel, like i'm wading through life like it's a river of mud. when i'm on my meds i feel heavy and blank and mushy. there's no point in anything because i feel so little so all i do is lay in bed. i guess the same thing i'm doing now. 

i shake my head again. "have you stopped taking them?" 

i don't respond at all. i've tried telling the psychiatrist the meds make me feel awful but all he did was up the dosage to see if it would help. 

my lack of response seems to discourage her and she sighs again. "i'm gonna bring them up, okay?" 

i pull my knees up to my chest and ignore her. i wish she would just leave. cynthia kisses the top of my head and pats my shoulder before leaving. then just like she said would, she brings up a little cup of pills. my mood stabilizers and sleeping meds, i guess it had turned night before i even knew it. 

she nudges them towards me and i begrudgingly take them with the water she hands to me. i hate that i need to be taken care of like this. i feel like a helpless baby.  

cynthia kisses my head again and leaves. 

on wednesday my phone starts going off nonstop. i ignore the notifications and put my phone on do not disturb.

the rest of the week goes by the same. i lay in bed and only ever get up to go to the bathroom. cynthia brings me fruit and water in the morning. and in the night when she gets home from spin class or yoga or one of her other activities she brings the pill cup, water and soup. 

on friday i can hear cynthia and larry arguing about me. 

"the boy needs to get out of bed, cynthia! he's almost an adult, you need to stop coddling him!" 

"i am not coddling him! our son is sick, can't you see? i'm taking care of him!" 

he scoffs at her. "he'll never grow up at this rate." 

"what else do you want me to do? he's depressed-" 

"he's being lazy! he needs to get his ass up-" 

i push my earbuds into my ears and tune them out. 

this doesn't last long until zoe comes home from school and stands in my doorway, staring at me. i pause my music so i can hear if she leaves or not. 

"hey." 

i don't answer. maybe she'll just go away. 

ree" hey. " 

i make a sound at her that's almost a "what?" 

"why are you ignoring evan? he came up to me today almost crying that you haven't been answering him since wednesday." 

"go away." 

"connor! snap the fuck out of it already, it's been a week." 

"go away, zoe." 

i pull my blanket tighter around myself. zoe huffs and stomps over to me and grabs the end of my blanket, yanking it off. 

"get out of bed already!" 

"fuck off!" 

she's got an angry expression plastered on her face when i finally sit up and stare at her. "what the fuck is wrong with you? your episodes have never been like this. you've got mom doting on you and evan spam calling you."

zoe crosses her arms, waiting for my answer. i don't say anything, just look down at my hands. usually i'd say something, yell back at her. but it feels as if someone's stuffed cotton into my throat. 

she huffs again. "look, i don't care if you get out of bed or not. i don't give a fuck about you. just answer evan, okay? he's a good person and he shouldn't be trying so hard with you but he is. at least give him a chance." 

zoe immediately turns and leaves my room when she's done. i feel guilt weighing in my stomach now, turning over and over. the phone is face up to my left and i pick it up, finally turning it on again. 

i turn do not disturb off and a call immediately comes in, caller id reading evan hansen. 

i answer and say nothing but press it against my ear. evan's voice comes through the other line and i suddenly feel like i'm melting. 

"connor! you picked up!"

"yeah. i did."

"are you okay? you just disappeared from school and i couldn't reach you and i was so worried." 

he sounds like he's about to cry. i curse myself for ignoring him. "i'm okay." 

"what happened?" 

i'm not sure what to say. i'm only now realizing how much i had overreacted to seeing him with jared. how big my reaction was to something so stupid. 

"i just spiraled over something, it's not you." 

he sighs, exasperated. "connor."

i'm so sick of everyone sighing at me. it makes me feel so pathetic. 

"i saw you and jared, is that better?" 

he doesn't say anything for a minute. "you're- con, i'm not replacing you. did you think i was?"

i feel like a child. my reaction was so childish. 

"look, me and jared worked things out and we thought we'd give being friends a chance. i'm not gonna leave you."

the reassurance, however, felt like the weight finally got taken off of my chest. "i'm sorry."

"hey, it's okay. you're okay, we're okay, everyone's okay. do you wanna come over? we can talk about some stuff." 

"i'll be there in ten." 

"okay, see you." 

i nod, forgetting he can't see me. and then i realize what i probably look like and start brushing my hair as fast as possible and tug on some new clothes. it's almost humorous how fast my mood had flipped from one phone call with him. i pull on my boots. 

no one's home yet so i think of just slipping out. guilt keeps my feet in place, thinking of cynthia taking care of me all week. i decide to leave a note. i write a simple going to evan's. -connor and put it on the coffee maker before heading out. 

that should be good enough. 

so i slip out the door, locking it behind myself. then i drive over to evan's as slow as possible. while i'm happy to talk to him again, the talk we have is likely to be very awkward. 

i pull into the very empty driveway and get out, still unsteady from the lack of movement. evan opens the door right as i walk up, startling me. the door is flung open and something hits me square in the chest, enveloping me in warmth.

it takes me a moment to realize it's evan himself, face pressed into the crook in my neck and arms wrapped around my waist. i copy his actions and snake my arms around his back, patting it slightly. he speaks, voice muffled by the fabric of my shirt. "i'm happy you're okay." 

evan steps back and looks me up and down, concern briefly flashing over his face before settling into a small smile. he cups my cheeks with his hands and looks up at me, face suddenly struck with a stern expression. 

"don't ever do that again."

i dodge his eye contact and look at his arm. "no promises." 

he looks a little upset at that. "let's just go inside." 

and he pulls his hands away from my face, the cold air hitting my cheeks again. i wish he would do that again. i let out a puff of air and follow him in, closing the door behind me. the familiar setting calms any anxiety i felt before. the house smells of vanilla and linen. he sits down then pats the seat next to him, expecting. i sit without a second thought and look him square in his face. 

"so-" 

"connor i-" 

we both pause. "sorry, you go first." 

he furrows his eyebrows. "uh, okay. um. what happened on monday can't…happen again." 

i nod, agreeing. "i know, i'm sorry." 

"and you need to know that jared's my friend too." 

i don't get why but it's…his life. i don't even fully understand this new feeling whenever i think about them. jealousy? why should i even be jealous? 

"i know." 

"so.. we're on the same page? you're okay?" 

“yeah, i’m sorry. i was being stupid.” 

evan just looks at me with a gentle smile. “wanna finish the good place now?”

Chapter Text

connor seems unusually quiet today, not to say that he's talkative, just… a lot quieter. his face is pale and he's fidgeting a lot. "does he have to come over?" 

i make a face at him, one that i'm hoping fully encapsulates yes, this is happening, deal with it. 

connor groans, a little comedically loud. he  tilts his head down and looks back down at his lap, messy brown hair surrounding his face like a curtain. shortly after this the doorbell rings throughout the house. i'm happy mom's gone to work already because that probably would've woken her up immediately. 

i go to open it up and lo and behold, it's jared, bag slung over his shoulder. "hey, evan." 

he seems to look around the house before his eyes settle on connor sitting on the couch. "holy shit, i know you said you made friends with murphy but i didn't think you were serious. " 

connor avoids eye contact with jared and chooses to pick the loose strings in the holes of his jeans. 

i rub the back of my neck. "yeah, uh, that happened a while back." 

he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively and continues, "so, how's married life treating ya? you two bone down or what?"

my head spins at the thought of doing unspeakables with connor and i immediately go to cover my face with my hands and yell at him from behind them, " jared." 

i have no idea how connor's taking any of this so i peek out behind my fingers. he's visibly scowling and stands up. i almost think he's about to cross the room to punch jared or something but he just turns and walks away. "need the bathroom." 

jared's got some smug smile on his face and he turns to me, "what's his deal?" 

"can you- uh, tone it down? things are kinda…weird with us right now." 

he now has a confused look on his face but says nothing more about it. jared shrugs his bag off his shoulder and digs through it before producing a nintendo switch and a couple games. "so, mario party or kart?" 

i already know my answer. 

"mario kart." 

"good choice, go get your boyfriend, i wanna start." 

i roll my eyes at him but still do what he asks. but just before i reach the bathroom around the corner, connor is stepping out already and stops in front of me. "hey?" 

"we're playing mario kart." 

"oh sweet, i'm fucking great at mario kart." 

connor seems to be full of energy he had been completely devoid of earlier. it's a little confusing but as long as he's doing alright? i gesture for him to follow me to the living room again and sit in the middle of the couch, leaving room on my right for him to sit. 

jared looks at connor funny and begins gesturing at his own nose. connor's eyes widen and he looks away. i don't fully understand the exchange here and decide not to think too much of it. probably jared just messing around and telling him he has a booger or something. 

"so, who's ready to get their ass beat?"

connor makes a sound next to me, "oh you're on, kleinman." 

i end up sitting at 7th place for most of the game, somehow being beat out by toadette and the babies. this has to be my most humiliating lose ever. 

connor and jared ended up in 1st and 2nd place, respectively. i would’ve been at a higher spot if i wasn’t focusing on their behavior towards each other the entire time. if i'm to be honest, i was partially expecting everything to go much worse. so i was sure to be watching for any signs of things starting to go the wrong way.

currently, jared is gorging himself on pizza and bread sticks with connor. an image i never would've thought i'd see. but he seems like he's enjoying himself. i think. 

i chew on my pizza thoughtfully and listen to them just talking. like normal people. it’s a stark contrast from the last time i’d seen them interact on the first day of school. i mean, the way they just managed to settle like this is kind of astounding. i briefly wonder if connor is high, but feel guilty for even thinking it. maybe he’s just… improving. and he’s genuinely getting along with jared. 

how did they go from how they acted on that day to this? 

we were standing at our lockers, jared making fun of the image of me climbing a tree and falling out of it, followed by the old car insurance line again. i nod along, hoping for the moment to just end and for the bell to ring so i can just leaved. when none other than connor murphy comes walking in shortly after throwing the doors open. i flinch at the slamming and look over to see the source of the noise. 

not too far from my own locker, connor looks quite aggravated. jared’s saying something, i can see his mouth moving but i can hardly focus on his words. 

“-very school shooter chic.” 

connor seems to pause for a moment, taking in his words. but actually he just kind of stares at jared, expression blank. jared’s false shield of unearned confidence falls and he looks very nervous all of a sudden. “it was just kidding, it was just a joke?” 

connor’s eyebrows fall and the edges of his mouth pull downwards, his annoyance clearly growing. i need to get out of here as soon as possible but my feet are frozen to the ground. 

“yeah, no, it was funny. i’m laughing, can’t you tell? am i not laughing hard enough for you?” 

he starts stepping forward, slowly. jared laughs, the last of his confidence gone. “you’re such a freak.” 

and before i can leave first, jared slips away immediately, seeming to sprint off. so that i’m standing alone. with connor. who is angry and looks like he wants to hurt someone. i let out a nervous laugh out of habit, which is a clear mistake as it calls his attention to my spot. 

“what the fuck are you laughing at?” 

my stomach fills with rocks, heavy rocks that weigh me down and keep me from leaving. “what?” 

“stop fucking laughing at me!” 

“i’m- i’m not-” 

i can’t focus on his face and look anywhere else but he seems to be getting closer. “you think i’m the freak?” 

i need to get my story straight, i need to get my shit together, i need- “no, i just- i’m not-” 

“i’m not the freak-” 

“no, i wasn’t laughing, i-” 

“-you’re the fucking freak!” 

and before i can even process it, i feel the lockers slam against my back, hard. tears build up at the edges of my eyes and i hear the speed walking of connor going the other way. 

the memory still makes me feel a little nauseous. especially considering how connor and i are doing right now, what if it happens again? what am i supposed to do if he does something like that to me? what if- 

“evan?” 

jared and connor are both looking at me with confused looks on their faces. connor continues, “you okay, hansen?” 

i seem to get lost in thought more and more nowadays. 

“sorry, just thinking. what’s up?” 

my phone buzzes before connor can continue and i look down at it. 

jared: gotta talk to u rn 

jared: w/o connor 

i look back up at connor and apologize again. he continues, a little twinge of annoyance apparent in his tone. “right, okay, i’m gonna go outside and smoke, you want in? jared’s sitting out.” 

jared’s looking at me funny and i take it as some kind of signal. so i slowly shake my head, “uh- no, i’m good this time.” 

connor shrugs. “suit yourself.” 

and he gets up, his knees cracking as he walks out to the backyard. jared watches him carefully and when the door slides shut he looks me in the eye. “we need to talk about your boyfriend.” 

i groan, expecting more teasing about our apparent relationship. that doesn’t exist, thank you very much. no matter how much i would like for it to exist. 

“okay, the boyfriend jokes are getting less and less funny. what is it this time?” 

jared looks at me. there’s a seriousness in his face that isn’t usually there. he pushes his glasses up and looks down briefly before letting out a puff of air. 

“you know, he’s using, right?” 

i’m confused by this. connor has made it very clear he smokes, and he’s explained to me before that it’s not addictive and it can’t kill you so don’t you worry about me, i’m not gonna die. 

“what? what does that mean? i know he smokes weed, but it’s fine-” 

“evan, it’s not just weed. he’s clearly on actual fucking crack, can’t you see it?” 

my mouth goes dry. “what?”

Chapter Text

the first day is the hardest. 

i watched evan flush powder down the toilet and fight the urge to rip the other bag out of his hands. i’m properly high though, sitting on the floor, knees brought up to my chest. the same day i yelled at jared kleinman for even thinking of telling evan, good evan, about it. he yells back, unexpectedly, and I don’t say much else. 

shortly after, he says, see you later, evan. then he looks at me, kind of blank. good luck, man. then he grabs his bag and goes back to his place. leaving me and evan in that still room, alone. it’s painfully quiet and i can hear the ringing in my ears. 

i think i’ve made things difficult between us again. being myself, i tend to do that a lot. the disappointed look in evan’s eyes says it all, even after i tell him i’ll get sober and i promise, cold turkey, ev, okay? 

he’s still looking at me like he doesn’t quite believe me. evan crosses his arms and stands far away from me, like he’s drawn a line between us. i follow his eyes to the space between us and back up. and i do. i keep that promise but i need a lifeline, 

at night i cling to evan like he’s a life raft. i’m wracked with fever-like feelings and he holds me while i’m shaking, smoothing my hair down and shushing me. it feels almost parallel to the last week with my mother and it makes me feel even worse. 

in the morning i almost want to stay home from school but apparently disappearing for a whole week had consequences- a thick stack of homework. that i currently do not have the mental or physical strength to do. 

evan kindly offers to help me. i feel bad for leaning on him so heavily so before school i buy him a tea and egg muffin. i get myself a breakfast combo, coffee and a cookie. something about sobering up suddenly drives away my usual lack of appetite. the entire day i follow him around like a lingering ghost over his shoulder. 

i can’t be alone. i feel like i’ve lost all trust in myself. it seems people start to notice me looming over him at all times now, though. 

relief finally washes over me when we both get in my car at the end of the day and drive back to his house. he lets me sleep in his bed, and i jump at the opportunity. his bed is much more comfortable than mine and the second i hit the surface, i’m out. 

save for when i hear him and his mom talking outside the room, in hushed tones. i can barely make out what they’re saying, since the walls are so thin. “evan, what’s going on with you two? you know, you can tell me if you’re dating him, i don’t mind-” 

“ mom! we’re not- he’s just, he’s just going through some-something right now, we’re not dating!” 

heidi laughs a little. “look, kiddo, you’re doing good trying to help your friend but you gotta.. talk to me about this stuff first, okay? i know i’m busy with work and classes but that doesn’t mean you can’t tell me what’s going on in your life..” 

evan says something i can’t quite hear and i decide to try to just tune them out and go back to sleep, not that it’s too difficult. sleeping off the everlasting chills and aches seems to be the best way to combat them. 

when i wake up again, the room is dark, except for the faint blue emanating from the lava lamp. i rub the sleep from my eyes and sit up, my body hurting a little less but still enough that i groan. light taps on the door take my attention and i look up. evan peeks in, looking..damp? 

“hey, you’re awake! sorry, had to shower.” 

he slips in and turns the light on, i groan a second time. “dude.” 

“sorry, sorry.” 

i open my eyes to let them adjust and they catch on evan, towel wrapped around his middle, revealing his back. his hair is damp and dripping water down his shoulders and back. i’d never noticed it before but he’s not as scrawny as i expected, seeing as he eats sparingly, he’s pretty lean. must be all that nature shit he’s into. 

he looks good like this, really good . he freezes, said back tensing. “uh- thank you?” 

shit i said that out loud. i try my best not to slide back down under the blankets and hide, gotta keep up the cool guy act somehow, right? when he turns back to me, i take it a step further and wink at him. evan sputters and drops the clothes he’s holding, making me laugh. it feels almost like before. 

he quickly retrieves the clothes again and swiftly exits the room. i laugh again and some of the previous discomfort is lost to me. not for too long though, as hunger takes hold soon enough. another tap on the door alerts me and i hope it’s evan, but another blonde head pokes through the doorway, not belonging to evan. “hey, connor, how ‘ya feeling?” 

heidi’s voice is calm, soothing. i wonder how much he told her. i shrug, “i’m okay.” 

“i’m making some spaghetti if you want some, i didn’t know if evan told you or not.” 

that sounds amazing, i’m absolutely ravenous at this point. “sounds good.” 

she smiles a little too sweetly and leans against the doorframe. “listen, i’m here if you need anything, you’re important to evan so you’re important to me, alright, kid?” 

i feel a little warm. “thank you.” 

“take care of yourself, now.” 

and she exits. i’m not fully sure what just happened but it was…nice. heidi is a nice person. 

a fully dressed evan enters the room and still looks a little flustered from earlier. “um, do you want to shower too? i have some clothes if you want to borrow them..” 

“oh- yeah that sounds. good. i’ll go do that.” 

i get up and stretch, my back popping. he always looks extra concerned when i do it but it’s always been a normal thing for me. i let myself into the bathroom and strip, avoiding looking down at myself. old scars have been healed over but looking at them isn’t any easier. i turn the water on and it’s scalding hot, when i get in my skin feels like it’s melting off.

but it pulls me out of my thoughts. the shower is quick and i get out at the thought of food. i can smell the spaghetti sauce from inside the shower, and i wrap the towel around myself before peeking out of the room. on the floor there’s a neatly folded pile of clothes. i take it, gratefully, and get dressed as fast as possible before stepping out of the room. 

evan’s sitting at his desk, likely typing up one of those letters for his therapist. wednesday is his therapy day and he brings in a letter every time. he turns around and looks at me funny before his eyes dart away. “like what you see?” 

“ connor.” 

i feel a little funny flirting with heidi’s kid directly after she gave me a heart to heart but it is what it is. i collapse back on the bed, arms crossed behind my head. i glance over at evan again and his face is in his hands, ears pink yet again. 

he’s cute when he’s flustered. 

the rest of the night goes fine, until i get into bed next to evan and i’m filled with an awful dread. how much have i been relying on evan? has it been too much for him? he’s so nice, i’m not sure if he would even tell me to stop. he’s asleep, chest slowly rising and falling. i almost want to wake him up and ask but i don’t, letting him sleep. i hold myself, the want gnawing at my stomach and hands and feet. i curl up, bringing my knees to my chest, trying my best to let sleep take over as soon as possible. 

wednesday is somehow worse. i get up feeling awful, like i’d been hit by a train. and instead of one train it was several, just constantly going over my already squished body. i smoke in my car before i get out of it when i get to school, hoping the high would hold me over. it barely does, i feel like a ghost again, floating through the school. everyone looks at me funny, everyone happening to include zoe. 

she approaches me after 4th period, and rather than the usual annoyance, she just looks worried. “jesus, connor, you look like shit. like- worse than your usual shit.” 

“thanks, i didn’t notice.”

“anyway, mom wanted me to ask you when you’re coming back home. dad’s pissed.” 

“that’s not my problem.” 

“you know, he’s talking about kicking you out.”

i roll my eyes at her. “he always does.” 

“seriously, he actually can soon, you need to get your shit together.” 

he’s bluffing. he has to be, right? zoe huffs and crosses her arms. “whatever, i’m going to class. tell evan i said hi.” 

but other than that, pretty shit day. i leave right after 6th period and wait for evan in my truck. i smoke again distract myself again and before i know it, evan’s walking up to the passenger side. he taps on the window a few times before i unlock it and he hops in, nose wrinkling at the smell. “hey, i didn’t see you in 7th.” 

“yeah, i left early.” 

i turn the ignition on and i drive out of the school parking lot while debating actually telling evan that zoe said hi. it’s such a small, stupid thing to debate about. “zoe says hi.” 

“oh, cool.” 

and that’s that. 

when we get to his house, we walk in on heidi getting ready for her night class. she tells us she'll be back a little bit later tonight, after meeting a friend for dinner. this makes evan stiffen a little but i ignore it. we wave her off and evan groans into his hands after she shuts the door. i raise an eyebrow at him, hoping for an explanation. "what's up?" 

he answers, voice muffled. "she's going on a date." 

"so?" 

a while back evan briefly mentioned his dad not being around, divorce stuff. but he didn't go into it. so i didn't push him to talk about it. 

"it's like- it's weird! what am i supposed to do if she brings some new guy around and he- he tries being my stepdad?" 

“you’ll get through it.” 

he groans again before leaving it alone and going to turn a show on. “do you mind if i take a nap?” 

evan nods, “yeah, that’s fine.” 

and i don’t take time with pulling my boots off and clambering into evan’s bed again, ready to sleep already. until my mind decides to wander into.. less than savory places. 

such as mine and evan's relationship. it's probably not fair to him for me to openly flirt with him not long after telling him i don't want a relationship. but then again, i don't even know what i want, i've never know that. 

maybe what i want is evan. 

i feel warm thinking about actually being official with him- getting to actually be honest about how i feel. getting to have him in a different way.

but the last thing i want is to bring him down with me even more than i already have. i've already messed up by letting him get this close to me in the first place. so i force my eyelids shut and pull the blanket over my shoulders and try my best to go to sleep.

i try my best to keep evan's face out of my mind. 

Chapter Text

hey guys, i'm sorry to be that writer that makes chapters that aren't real chapters and are actually author's notes, but i am.

unfortunately, i'm going through a rough patch with my partner and i've based evan and connor off of us, so writing anything involving the two as of lately has been really hard. i will come back when the situation is resolved but until then he's got blue eyes like the devil's water will be on an indefinite hiatus.

thank you for sticking through with me even through the previous hiatus, and i promise to return as soon as possible.

i hope everyone has a wonderful weekend, thank you for reading :)

Chapter Text

“connor.” 

i hear evan’s voice somewhere in the distance but ignore it. 

“connor!” 

i smell something now, something meaty and fatty. i open my eyes reluctantly and start to step out of bed before being pushed back down. “huh? ev-” 

a tray of food is quickly shoved onto my lap and i finally see what i’ve been smelling. “what is this?” 

“breakfast in bed, you’re a week clean!” 

i rub the rest of the sleep out of my eyes and blink down at it. there’s a plate of thick, fluffy looking pancakes and bacon under it. my empty stomach makes itself heard and rumbles, “looks good. thanks, hansen.” 

“go on, eat it, i’ll bring your coffee.” 

evan sounds awfully energetic today. maybe he had some coffee while i was out. i dig in mercilessly, hunger fully taking over. the pancakes are as good as they look and they’re nearly gone before evan gets back. he seems to be beaming at my nearly empty plate. evan sets the coffee on the nightstand and sits down next to me, starting to talk about the stuff he wanted us to do for the rest of the day.

this is kind of like a couple thing, isn’t it? breakfast in bed, talking about our plans. we’ve crossed the threshold of friendship a long time ago. 

my heart squeezes when i think of being a couple with evan. we pretty much already do all of the couple stuff, just without the label.

i actually shake my head at the thought. he looks at me funny for a second before continuing. i only now realize that i haven’t been listening. 

so i try to tune in. “i was thinking we could finally do that picnic at the old apple orchard.” 

“that’s a good idea.” 

“i can make sandwiches, cut up some fruit…here, hold on.” 

evan leans in towards me and swipes his finger across the side of my mouth. “syrup.” 

“anyway, we could do that later today if you’re up for it, get out of the house. what do you think?” 

the tiny act of him wiping maple syrup off of my face seems to cause my brain to reboot. “uh-” 

evan lets out a laugh. “your face is red.” 

my eyes widen on their own and i refuse to make eye contact with evan. i seem to be able to dish but not take. this is new. i shake my head at him and shove an entire piece of bacon in my mouth. 

“sounds good.” 

“i’m gonna go take a shower, then we can go?” 

i nod, polishing off the rest of my meal quickly. evan’s long gone and i can hear the shower running while i get dressed. 

sometime during the week zoe had brought some of my clothes to evan, which happened to include a decent-ish loose button down. the sleeves are a little too long and it hangs halfway down my thighs but i want to look a little nicer today. 

something feels special about today. 

evan returns not long after i’m done, hair dripping and the scent of something vaguely eucalyptus wafting off of him. he’s wearing one of his signature polo shirts and khakis, the outfit identical to the one he wore the first day i talked to him.

guilt still settles into my gut everytime i think of that day. how awful i was to evan- pushing him when he had a broken arm. 

“is- is something wrong?” 

i’m staring at him. 

my eyes immediately dart away at the realization and i mutter an apology. he clears his throat and continues. “we should get the stuff for the picnic and then we can head off, it’ll take a while to get there.” 

i nod and start pulling on my boots and sweater. 

there’s a weird tension between us right now, it became apparent after he touched my face. i ghost my fingers over the spot and sigh. 

being sober doesn’t seem to get any easier as the days go on, even though i wish it would. evan helps, but i cling onto him so much. even though it doesn’t seem to bother him, it still bothers me. these thoughts have been sitting in the back of my head the entire time i’ve been staying with evan. 

zoe had also decided to bring my meds to evan and he’s been administering them to me every night. him doting on me is oddly reminiscent of my mother’s actions. he’s been really patient and caring the entire time. the thought of how much he cares makes me feel warm.

heidi's awake when we leave the room, eating the same breakfast evan and i just had. she smiles at us when we walk in, "good morning, boys!"

"morning, heidi." 

evan's in the kitchen preparing the things we're gonna take and i decide to sit at the table with heidi. i sip my coffee and look over at her, still in pajamas. "so, are you two planning on doing something today? you're dressed pretty early." 

"yeah, uh, we're going to the orchard." 

"the orchard? isn't it closed down?" 

i nod. "it's still nice." 

"man, that takes me back. i used to take evan there all the time! i have some pictures if you wanna see 'em."

i picture little evan holding a basket full of apples and smile to myself. "absolutely." 

evan seems to notice the conversation from the stove and groans. " mom. " 

"oh hush, they're cute pictures. here, let me get them." 

she walks out of the room to grab them and returns not long after, holding a photo album. heidi sits next to me and opens the album to the middle. 

evan looks just how i pictured, adorable. he's got a toothy smile on his face, showing off the missing one in the front. he's got a beanie and thick jacket on, definitely by heidi's choice. and in his hand there's a caramel apple.

"here, you can look through them."

and she pushes the album over to me. i flip through page after page of evan and heidi. there's also some guy i've never seen before, dark hair and the same green eyes as evan. looks like his dad. 

the topic of evan's dad always seems to put him on edge. i've never explicitly asked before but i assumed something messy had happened due to the lack of pictures or talk of him. i quickly pass the pictures with him. 

one in particular catches my eye, a little evan on halloween. he's dressed up as wolverine and striking a pose. "oh my god, this is adorable." 

heidi smiles next to me and coos at the picture, "aw, isn't he? i love that picture." 

evan make an annoyed groan in the kitchen.

"okay, i think that's enough embarrassment for today. i know how you teenage boys can be.." 

another groan. 

she chuckles at him and i slide the album over to her. heidi leans in towards my ear and whispers, "i've got more if you wanna see them."

i nod, looking back at evan. he seems to be done now, placing the things in a basket. heidi goes and kisses evan's cheek before walking off to her bedroom. "alright, i'm going to bed, had a loooong night. have fun!" 

the door shuts behind her and the room goes quiet. 

i turn to evan. "so, you ready to go?" 

he nods and grabs the basket and we walk out together. i help evan load up my truck with blankets and the picnic basket full of food. when we settle in the truck, evan grabs at my phone and starts to unlock it. "i made you a playlist." 

"you did?" 

as i'm pulling out of the driveway, an unfamiliar song begins playing, quiet and peaceful.

"i know it's different to what you usually listen to, but i hope you still like it."

evan leans back in the chair and makes himself comfortable, probably going to sleep like usual. 

he's immediately knocked out, his head leaned back against the headrest. i only allow myself to look at him for a moment before turning back to the road. the drive is long and quiet with evan asleep. 

it seems like he's kind of a sentimental person, showing me his music and all. i let myself take a peek at him sleeping again and smile to myself. until he lets out a snore, taking me out of the moment and making me snort. 

i almost wake him up so he can talk to me but he looks so peaceful asleep, eyebrows unfurrowed and face relaxed. he needs the rest. so i wait until we get to the apple orchard to wake him. 

i keep my eyes on the road as i think about how far we've come since we met, how different things are now. i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. 

it does, however, make me a little uncomfortable to think about how soft i've gotten since i became friends with him. since i've… developed certain feelings towards him. it's weird to admit to myself but i can finally do it now.

i like evan. 

i like evan. 

my hands start getting sweaty and i quickly wipe them off on my pants, one by one. just out in the distance apple trees start becoming visible, our destination just a few minutes away. the hour long drive always seems to go by fast when i'm wrapped up in my thoughts. i reach over to wake evan, shaking his shoulder. 

his eyebrows immediately knit and he bats my hand away, mumbling something that sounds vaguely like, "five more minutes." 

"we're here." 

he only groans and rubs his eyes before getting out and moving to grab the stuff. i grab the blankets and lead evan to our usual spot overlooking the rest of the orchard. 

there's a comfortable silence between us now and i don't mind it at all. it's nearly too comfortable, the apparent tension from earlier completely gone. the only sound to be heard is the crunching of leaves under our feet and birds chirping.

after the short walk we get to work setting up the picnic. i'm still a little full from breakfast but nowadays i seem to always have a little extra room for something that evan has prepared. the food he makes is pretty good to say the least. 

i sit next to evan, leaning against the tree he's sitting by. "so-" 

"hey-"

we both pause before laughing and i think about kissing him when i hear the lovely sound.

"i just wanted to say i'm really proud of you. it must be really hard to do all this and- i'm just really happy." 

i want to kiss him. 

i smile instead and look down at my hands. 

"yeah, well, i couldn't have done it without you. you're my rock." 

evan beams at me, smile overtaking his face. he takes my hand in his own and continues, "i'm happy to be that for you. i'll always be here for you, as long as you need me to be." 

the sun is beaming on his face and hair, the dirty blonde seeming to glow. his green eyes are shining from the light, he looks so pretty. i've got to do something and it just can't wait. 

i can't wait to do this. 

"hey evan?" 

"yeah?" 

i hesitate before reaching up to cup his face with my hands. his cheeks heat up under my palms. i only now realize that i've never kissed someone before and that i'm not sure how to do it. "just- let me-" 

and i quickly close the gap, far too quickly, and my teeth bump against his. 

he makes a surprised squeak. i almost expect him to pull away and run off or slap me but instead of pulling away he leans in again. and his lips press against mine in a softer way, less teeth this time. his lips are kind of rough, a tell tale sign that he spends a lot of time biting the skin off.

our knees are pushed together in an uncomfortable way so i pull him in by his waist, getting impossibly closer. he rests a hand on my leg and a shiver goes up my spine. after figuring out how to do it properly we seem incapable of stopping, hardly breaking away. but alas, we are cursed with the need of oxygen. 

at long last, i pull away, breathless. 

his eyes are half lidded and his lips are slightly open. i lean back, moving away. "was that okay?" 

evan only nods and leans back in, pulling me by my shirt collar. i'm taken by surprise but don't complain. his kiss is much softer this time, slower and not as full of desperation. 

i place a hand on the back of his neck and he flinches slightly before settling into the touch. his hands find a place in my hair and we sit there for what feels like hours. just kissing and touching and breathing. 

when we finally pull away for longer than five minutes evan falls back and lays down on the blanket. i lay down next to him and look at him, i can see the gears turning in his head by how starstruck he looks.

i decide to start explaining, "by the way, i'm super into you." 

evan looks at me from the side and suppresses a laugh, "i would've never guessed." 

i prop myself up on my right arm and look down at him through my eyelashes. the other hand finds its place on his cheek. "do you like me too?" 

he nods, smiling softly.

"good."

Chapter Text

hi!! i don't know if anyone will see this but a year later i have finally revamped this fic and started it in an entirely different work. the first two chapters are available on my profile under part time lover / full time friend !

my writing style and approach of character development is quite different now and i would love it if you guys read the other version :-) i'll be uploading every wednesday so keep an eye out for it! thank you for reading <3

- ari <33