Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

BuzzFeed @BuzzFeed
Netflix announces new comedy special is coming, featuring rising star Schwoopsie, who has promised “A return of that oblivious lesbian couple”, to the delight of fans

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzzyyy
replying to @BuzzFeed
@schwoops you did this for what

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @zazzzyyy
listen i’m not the one with the name Jemillas wife you did this to yourself

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @schwoops
can’t a gal be whipped for her wife in peace

Jemilla™️ @jmils
replying to @zazzzyyy
Always :)

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @jmils
@zazzzyyy YOU SEE MY POINT

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @schwoops
@keericoo defend my honor

#1 Animal Enthusiast @keericoo
replying to @zazzzyyy
@schwoops leave zazz alone she’s just very in love with her wife

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @keericoo
listen i offered yall participation royalties this is a you problem

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @schwoops
NOT my fault you took it as a joke

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @schwoops
um we were NOT kidding it was based on my life i want 70% of those profits

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @zazzzyyy
zazz you do realize that the performance royalties i get for this shit is less than what you asked for

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @schwoops
dude what

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
Replying to @schwoops
why does every aspect of the entertainment industry fuckin suck

~~~

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
hey guys i’ve started a petition it’s for my wife and my dumbass friend who you might have heard of their name is schwoopsie
[link leads to a petition on change.org titled ‘better royalties for schwoopsie and some royalties so i can buy my wife flowers’. the goal signature is 5,000.]

Tiblyn @tibsywibsy
replying to @zazzzyyy
can’t believe you got 10,000 in five hours

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @tibsywibsy
what can i say? i support a noble cause

Tiblyn @tibsywibsy
replying to @zazzzyyy
@netflix what do you have to say about this?

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @tibsywibsy
dude no way they respond

Netflix @netflix
replying to @tibsywibsy
get it to 100,000. then we’ll think about it

Tiblyn @tibsywibsy
replying to @netflix
@schwoops @zazzzyyy @jmils HEY GUYS????

Jemilla™️ @jmils
replying to @tibsywibsy
.............

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @jmils
j i love u but DONT YOU FUCKING DARE

Jemilla™️ @jmils
replying to @zazzzyyy
...........................

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @jmils
hoe don’t do it

Jemilla™️ @jmils
replying to @zazzzyyy
Looks like we got work to do!

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @jmils
BITCH !

Tiblyn @tibsywibsy
replying to @zazzzyyy
don’t call your wife a bitch!!!!

Jemilla's Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @tibsywibsy
i’m bi bitch is a term of endearment

Tiblyn @tibsywibsy
replying to @zazzzyyy
touché

Tiblyn @tibsywibsy
replying to @tibsywibsy
gotta say tho. out of the two of you, zazzalil is definitely jemilla's bitch

Jemilla's Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @tibsywibsy
i came out here to have a good time and i'm honestly feeling so attacked right now

Tiblyn @tibsywibsy
replying to @zazzzyyy
i'm right tho

And I'm Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @tibsywibsy
no no you are. don't be fooled, ppl who don't know jem and zazz in real life, zazzalil is WHIPPED

Jemilla's Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @schwoops
to quote myself "can't a gal be whipped for her wife in peace?"

Jemilla's Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @zazzzyyy
'jemilla simp' is legit in my bio idk what y'all expect from me other than the occasional funny tweet and 'i love my wife' toned posts

And I'm Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @zazzzyyy
LOCAL IDIOT IN LOVE WITH WIFE. SEE THE FULL STORY HERE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvFZjo5PgG0

Jemilla's Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @schwoops
is that a rickroll schwoopsie pls tell me that's a rickroll

Jemilla's Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @zazzzyyy
like i will literally forgive all the hate i received during this conversation if that is a motherfucking rickroll

Jemilla's Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @zazzzyyy
here we go. i'm clicking the link

Jemilla's Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @zazzzyyy
update: IT WAS A RICKROLL!!!!!!!

And I'm Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @zazzzyyy
:)

~~~

Alice @alicewoodchuck
i would like to congratulate zazzalil and jemilla for being the funniest people on twitter

~~~

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
GUYS WE DID IT!!!!! so proud of y’all. @netlix well?
[image id: screenshot of the same petition, the signature goal now reads 100,000 and the amount of signatures received is 124,097]

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @zazzzyyy
how is this happening

Jemilla's Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @schwoops
shoulda considered that people would love us more than u when u wrote a special about us

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @zazzzyyy
it was ONE TIME

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @schwoopsie
the sequel???? just blatantly lying to the fans???

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @zazzzyyy
okay so i did it twice

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @schwoops
uh huh

~~~

BuzzFeed @BuzzFeed
Netflix announces new comedy special is coming, featuring rising star Schwoopsie, who has promised “A return of that oblivious lesbian couple”, to the delight of fans

Alice @alicewoodchuck
replying to @BuzzFeed
love getting updates from the lives of high school acquaintances through twitter

Alice @alicewoodchuck
replying to @alicewoodchuck
it’s like, is that what success looks like?

Jemilla™️ @jmils
replying to @alicewoodchuck
Says you!
[image id: screenshot of an article titled ‘Vampires, love, and lesbians: everything to know about Alice Woodward’s “[ok but we don't ever find out the name of alice's play i don't think??? i looked all over the place help]” before you go see it on its broadway run’]

Alice @alicewoodchuck
replying to @jmils
yknow what fair point

~~~

BuzzFeed @BuzzFeed
@netflix announces a higher amount of royalties will be going to comedian Schwoopsie and a small percentage will now be going to the couple the special stars, after a twitter thread involving a petition goes viral
[link to full article]

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @BuzzFeed
WE DID IT!!! IM BEING PAID FOR BEING A DUMBASS LIFE IS GOOD

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @zazzzyyy
thanks for the raise i guess?

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @schwoops
you’re welcome but only because i’m also getting paid

~~~

SB @smellyballs
can’t believe jemilla and zazz are now getting paid for being useless bisexuals in high school

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @smellyballs
😎

#1 Animal Enthusiast @keericoo
replying to @smellyballs
sb when did they STOP being useless bisexuals
[image ID of a text from contact labeled “zazz” which reads “djsfjlsdkjs jemilla brought me flowers from the fuckin grocery storerrrrr” to which the response is “she’s your wife, zazz, isn’t that, like, her job?” to which zazz has responded “WIFE AKDLSJKKJKDL”]

#1 Animal Enthusiast @keericoo
replying to @keericoo
zazz don’t you come at me for posting that it wasn’t from the gc i broke no rules

Tiblyn @tibsywibsy
replying to @keericoo
[image id: name of the text chain is “the tribe is alive and kickin” the screenshot shows the non-text message of “zazzalil removed keeri from ‘the tribe is alive and kickin’”. beneath it zazzalil has texted ‘revenge >:).’]

#1 Animal Enthusiast @keericoo
replying to @tibsywibsy
ZAZZ FOR FUCKS SAKE

~~~

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
first dumbassery paycheck came!!! we’re going to frame the envelope it came in
[image of jemilla, smiling and holding up the envelope, fingers covering the address]

Emberly @emmyberry
replying to @zazzzyyy
Omg congrats!!!

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @emmyberry
thank you we’re very excited

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @zazzzyyy
it was like ten dollars but we’re still excited

~~~

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
update we got the frame!!!!
[image id: jemilla stands by the wall with a hand gesturing towards a framed envelope, grinning]

#1 Animal Enthusiast @keericoo
replying to @zazzzyyy
honored to see it hanging with the pictures of ur engagement i took

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @keericoo
you know it babey !!!!!

~~~

Alice @alicewoodchuck
schwoopsie is including our fav chaotic lesbian couple in their new and upcoming special and i appreciate that but honestly these twitter antics are enough for me

Not A Member of the Smoke Club @doubleddeb
replying to @alicewoodchuck
zazzalil and jemilla get verified challenge

~~~

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
just informed my mother in law i’m famous. “why?” she asks, a perfectly reasonable question. “because one of our friends from high school did a comedy routine about us and people liked it” i say through gritted teeth

~~~

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
ppl keep dm’ing me to ask what stunt jemilla and zazz are going to pull this time but honestly what can beat double proposing at a comedy routine about how they met

Jemilla™️ @jmils
replying to @schwoops
We will be renewing our vows. Please ensure you are registered as a minister so you can complete the ceremony for us.

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @jmils
FJDDDLDHSHSJ

Chapter Text

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
great news for fans of @zazzzyyy and @jmils. they are now officially going to be parents and i officially have permission to include the story in the new special. this is gonna be fun.

~~~

Alice @alicewoodchuck
idc anymore this is officially a jemilla and zazzalil stan account

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @alicewoodchuck
dude this is an alice woodward stan acc i miss u :(

Alice @alicewoodchuck
replying to @zazzzyyy
i miss you too!!

Alice @alicewoodchuck
replying to @alicewoodchuck
not to revive this thread but 🥺🥺
[image ID: image of zazzalil’s twitter profile. her bio reads simply; ‘jemilla simp. she/her. this is an alice woodward stan account ily alice’]

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @alicewoodchuck
you like it? :)

Alice @alicewoodchuck
replying to @zazzzyyy
i love it!! just did mine

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @alicewoodchuck
dude!!!!! :)))

~~~

jessie @jessajo
was digging through some old twitter threads and did zazzalil, jemilla, schwoopsie, and alice fuckin woodward go to high school together???

Jemilla™️ @jmils
replying to @jessajo
We did! I can confirm, I was there

jessie @jessajo
replying to @jmils
JDHSJDJ HI ok i’m good i’m cool anywho i require yearbook pictures as evidence

Alice @alicewoodchuck
replying to @jessajo
no can do i burned mine sorry dude

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @alicewoodchuck
BRO SAME

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @zazzzyyy
@jessajo i couldn’t get jemilla to burn hers tho that’s free game

Jemilla™️ @jmils
replying to @zazzzyyy
Those are precious memories, zazz. Valuable stuff

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @jmils
yknow what if we keep getting more famous ur probably right we could sell that shit for a lot of money smart thinking babe

Jemilla™️ @jmils
replying to @zazzzyyy
Not what I….. eh, never mind
[image id: school photos of high school aged jemilla, zazzalil, schwoopsie, and alice. picture a teenaged meredith stepien, lauren lopez, jaime lyn beatty, and mariah rose faith, idk]

~~~

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzyyy
it has come to my attention that people want jemilla and i to get verified. never thought we’d reach this point, but we have both requested verification. i am fully expecting a rejection, but here’s to trying.

Jemilla™ @jmils
replying to @zazzzyyy
And the 24/7 DM’s

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @jmils
yes that too good point babe

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @zazzzyyy
see what i mean???? W H I P P E D

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @schwoops
GET YOUR OWN THREAD

~~~

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
Per popular demand and now Zazzalil’s insistence, I give you all, Zazzalil being Whipped with a capital ‘W’ for Jemilla:

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @schwoops
example #1: a classic. she agrees with her wife without hesitation.
[image id of jemilla’s ‘and the 24/7 dms’ tweet followed by zazzalil’s ‘yes that too good point babe’]

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @schwoops
example #2: rightfully admitting she’s whipped
[image id: a tweet from zazzalil which reads ‘can’t a gal be whipped for her wife in peace?’]

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @schwoops
that’s all for now folks i will keep updating this as zazz does more whipped ass things

~~~

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
i heard that people want jemilla and i to make a podcast. schwoopsie i want you to know that we could make a funnier show than you

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @zazzzyyy
do it. try it. i dare you.

Tiblyn @tibsywibsy
replying to @schwoops
things are heating up in the comedy fandom!!!

~~~

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
@jmils i have a proposal

Jemilla™️ @jmils
replying to @zazzzyyy
Didn’t I already say yes? ;)

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @jmils
DHSKSHSJ

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @zazzzyyy
you did, however,,, i have a different proposal. a BUSINESS proposal

Jemilla™️ @jmils
replying to @zazzzyyy
I’m listening?

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @jmils
my proposal is as follows: we make a thread (much like this!) in which we tweet one another only lovey/flirty things

Jemilla™️ @jmils
replying to @zazzzyyy
I mean I do love you but do we need twitter to communicate that?

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @jmils
we absolutely do not i just thought it would be fun! please?

Jemilla™️ @jmils
replying to @zazzzyyy
This is about Schwoopsie, isn’t it?

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @jmils
yes it’s schwoopsie they made a thread of me being a simp and i want to give them more content i’m sorry i deceived u

~~~

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @schwoops
example #3: observe how quickly she bends beneath jemilla’s questioning
[image id: screenshotted is the tweet of ‘yes it’s schwoopsie they made a thread of me being a simp and i want to give them more content i’m sorry i deceived u’]

~~~

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @zazzzyyy
@jmils ITS BEEN DONE SCHWOOPSIE TOOK THE BAIT THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT

Jemilla™️ @jmils
replying to @zazzzyyy
Did I do right by your vision?

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @jmils
baby you did it the BEST. better than i imagined it

Jemilla™️ @jmils
replying to @zazzzyyy
Thanks babe :))

~~~

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @schwoopsie
bad news folks, it seems we’ve been duped

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @schwoopsie
that said, #4:
[image id: zazzalil’s tweet which reads ‘baby you did it the BEST. better than i imagined it’]

~~~

SB @smellyballs
schwoopsie just got prankd by jemilla and zazz what a fuckin schwoopsie

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @smellyballs
i was not prankd i let it happen

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @schwoops
pls you did not see that coming we got you good. you’re just trying to play it off to save your reputation.

And I’m Like Schwoopsie @schwoops
replying to @zazzzyyy
zazz, your betrayal didn’t surprise me. but jemilla? my muse, my light, my love? et tu, brute? et tu?????

Jemilla™️ @jmils
replying to @schwoops
Schwoopsie. Babe. As much as I love you, you do realize that my wife will always come first? If she has a nefarious plan I will follow it, that’s just good marriage morals.

Jemilla™️ @jmils
replying to @jmils
For legal reasons I would like you all to make note of the fact that the above tweet was a JOKE

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @jmils
schwoopsie we invented be gay do crime and you really thought you could stop us?

~~~

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
proud to report that we just got recognized while getting coffee. waiting for (my) drink to be made and someone points at us and goes “oh my god it’s the oblivious lesbian couple”

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @zazzzyyy
it’s not funny guys jemilla choked on her drink in surprise i had to slap her back hard in the middle of starbucks and ruin all my street cred

~~~

#1 Animal Enthusiast @keericoo
okok i’m starting a thread to commemorate zazz being a useless bisexual. inspired by @schwoops’s zazz being whipped thread

#1 Animal Enthusiast @keericoo
replying to @keericoo
example #1: zazz keyboard smashes when she's freaking out
[image ID: zazzalil and jemilla’s brief chain of tweets ‘@jmils i have a proposal’ ‘didn’t i already say yes? ;)’ ‘DHSKSHSJ’]

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @keericoo
keeri i thought you were on my side??? how could you??

#1 Animal Enthusiast @keericoo
replying to @zazzzyyy
zazz don’t make me scroll up to those texts from high school when you first met jemilla

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @keericoo
haha sorry ab that idk what got into me what a lovely thread keeri

#1 Animal Enthusiast @keericoo
replying to @zazzzyyy
hey thanks!! honored to have your approval :))

Tiblyn @tibsywibsy
replying to @keericoo
[image ID: screenshot of a text from a contact labeled ‘zazzy’ and the text from zazzy, ‘how do u delete texts from someone else’s phone?’]

#1 Animal Enthusiast @keericoo
replying to @tibsywibsy
ZAZZALIL!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!

#1 Animal Enthusiast @keericoo
replying to @keericoo
that was your last strike zazzalil. she’s been doing her bi panic keyboard smashes since the tenth grade y’all
[image id: texts from a chain labelled ‘deadass gc but it’s almost jemilla’s bday!!!!’. the texts all date back to years ago. the first is from a contact labelled ‘zazz’, who says “im never speaking to jemilla agaaaiin omg”. ‘emberly’ has replied “:(. Why not? After you left she said she liked you and that you were funny.” zazz says, “WAIT REALLY”. emberly says “? I mean yeah” and zazz has replied with a keyboard smash]

~~

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
@tibsywibsy why would you rat me out this way

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @zazzzyyy
“rat me out” almost autocorrected to “eat me out” which would have made for a very funny but very bad misspelling

Tiblyn @tibstwibsy
replying to @zazzzyyy
first of all, the people deserved to know, second of all, LMAOOOO i have never eaten you out and i need the world to know i never will

Tiblyn @tibsywibsy
replying to @tibsywibsy
i could never break up jazzalil like that

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @tibsywibsy
what the fuck is a jazzalil

Jemilla™️ @jmils
replying to @zazzzyyy
Zazz babe I know no more than you do but just from looking at it I’m pretty sure it’s our… what’s the word?

Tiblyn @tibsywibsy
replying to @jmils
ship name?

Jemilla™️ @jmils
replying to @tibsywibsy
Yes!!!! That. Ship name. Jemilla-Zazzalil. Jazzalil.

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @jmils
why the duck does jemilla only get a j

Duck is Lord @Ducker
replying to @zazzzyyy
Another instance in which the word “duck” was in all odds accidentally used instead of “fuck”! The duck is pleased!

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @Ducker
duck off ducker

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @zazzyyy
FUCK

Duck is Lord @Ducker
replying to @zazzzyyy
Progress pleases the duck!

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @Ducker
ANYWAY BACK TO WHATEVER JAZZALIL IS WHO CAME UP WITH THAT SHIT i have a bone to pick

Jemilla™️ @jmils
replying to @zazzzyyy
Baby as much as I agree what do you suggest as an alternative? Zemilla doesn't sound nice.

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @jmils
zemilla doesn’t sound half bad but then i only get a z!!! we need to split it evenly!!!!

Tiblyn @tibsywibsy
replying to @zazzzyyy
what do you suggest then?

Jemilla’s Wife @zazzzyyy
replying to @tibsywibsy
wait for it…… zazzemilla

Tiblyn @tibsywibsy
replying to @zazzzyyy
zazz,,,,,, honey,,,,, no.

Chapter Text

the tribe is alive and kickin
3:25 pm

tiblyn: lmao remember when we were tiny and like. specifically those months in high school when jmils and zazz were both crushing on the other but neither would tell each other and it was just so goddamn painful

tiblyn: like yeah high school sucked ass and so did that but looking back. a highlight. hilarious. i want a netflix documentary

keeri: REMEMBER WHEN, MORE RECENTLY, JMILS AND ZAZZ BOTH BOUGHT ENGAGEMENT RINGS BUT WOULDNT PROPOSE TO EACH OTHER AND IT WAS JUST SO GODDAMN PAINFUL

tiblyn: i repeat: netflix documentary

zazzalil: still don’t get why ur all so invested in lives that aren’t ur own

keeri: y’all are the funniest ppl we know we gotta keep ourselves posted

schwoopsie: ouch

keeri: don’t act like you haven’t gotten sketch ideas from them

schwoopsie: ........ fair point

jemilla: i still can’t believe you did that

schwoopsie: i didn’t even point you guys out!!! i just said friends from high school and said the group of you were over there!! you guys were the ones who proposed to each other at the same goddamn time, making it clear you were the ‘oblivious as fuck lesbian couple’ in question

zazzalil: i have no regrets on that. how often do you get the chance to propose to your wife whilst watching stand up comedy about your relationship? best day of my life

jemilla: except for the day you married me, right?

zazzalil: ofc babe ily

jemilla: mmhmm

5:06 pm

tiblyn: okay what happened to our conversation

zazzalil: i mean jemilla and i weren’t checking our phones because we were busy not having fan-fucking-tastic sex but idk

jemilla: zazz how many times!!!

keeri: listen to your wife zazz we don’t want to hear about your sex life

zazz: says the girl who forced me to admit my crush to jemilla

keeri: different circumstances

Emberly: So Grant and I were seeing a movie we just got out so I haven’t been on my phone and as such wasn’t aware we were having a conversation. But, as my high school self said many years ago; budding romance (I was right)!!!

zazzalil: embs it wouldn’t even be budding anymore second we’re STILL NOT CALLING IT THAT

Emberly: Sshhhhh

Emberly: Blossoming romance!

sb: emberly u say you were seeing a movie with grant but. where the fuck is your kid

Emberly: My parents babysat so we could have some alone time! We’re off to pick them up now :)

tiblyn: speaking of which what is your motherly advice of the day!! we need it to spice up this dying gc

keeri: heh yeah it’ll actually be useful to at least some other ppl here soon

keeri: to not one, but TWO mothers, so bonus

keeri: jmils and zazz i want u both to know that if your child is ever stuck in a go ask ur mother loop they are free to come to me, their aunt keeri

jemilla: haha thank you keeri! i sincerely hope we never have to do that, but we appreciate nonetheless

zazzalil: fuck yea dude thanks keeri

Emberly: Well, now that we’re back in the car and have learned that the child scraped their knee while we were away, I’d say my advice for the day is to make sure they wear knee pads

zazzalil: jemilla’s writing that down in her preparation notebook

zazzalil: because yes, she has a pre-parental notebook

zazzalil: it lives in her pre-parental binder with other articles and shit she’s deemed important for impending mothers

tiblyn: only jemilla

jemilla: i want to be prepared! sue me.

schwoopsie: dear god if y’all keep this up your sequel is going to get a sequel

zazzalil: maybe we could renew our vows? gotta keep the fans on their toes

Emberly: A baby won’t be enough to do that?

zazzalil: hmm. emberly could we borrow your kid for the day to make it look like we have more kids

Emberly: Sorry but that is a hard no

zazzalil: can’t say i’m surprised.

tiblyn: must admit i’m a little sad we banned posting screenshots of this gc on twitter. this shit would SO go viral

zazzalil: don’t make me remove you from the chat again

jemilla: zazz when did you do that?

tiblyn: yeah zazz you wouldn’t do that would you

keeri: oh poor innocent jemilla you wouldn’t BELIEVE the things zazz here has done in moments of personal crisis

jemilla: do go on

zazzalil: no i actually think that’s quite enough

schwoopsie: WAIT EMBERLY

zazzalil: NO NO NO NO

schwoopsie: EMBERLY DO U REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE IN THE LIBRARY ON JEMILLA’S FIRST DAY AND ZAZZALIL JUMPED BEHIND A BOOKSHELF AND CHUGGED HER STARBUCKS

Emberly: Oh my gosh! Schwoops I had totally forgotten about that but it’s all come back to me now.

schwoopsie: the bi panic is stronger in zazz than i’ve seen it in anyone ever before

zazzalil: y’all need to make this conversation a lot quieter

schwoopsie: texting? noise? incompatible?

zazzalil: invisible, whatever

zazzalil: make it stooooooppp

schwoopsie: tbh shocked zazz hasn’t kicked me yet

schwoopsie and zazzalil
6:37 pm

zazzalil: only reason i haven’t kicked you is because i’m trying to prove to jemilla that i have *matured*

the tribe is alive and kickin
6:38 pm

schwoopsie: attached image

zazzalil: oh fuck off

deadass gc but it’s almost jemilla’s bday!!!!
6:38 pm

zazzalil removed schwoopsie from deadass gc but it’s almost jemilla’s bday!!!!

the tribe is alive and kickin
6:40 pm

tiblyn: attached image

zazzalil: OH FUCK OFF

zazzalil has removed tiblyn from the tribe is alive and kickin

zazzalil has removed schwoopsie from the tribe is alive and kickin

9 people
6:41 pm

tiblyn: oh no i guess we’ll just have to use one of the other thousands of other group chats we’ve made over the years

zazzalil: fuck who made this

jemilla: pretty sure you did, babe

zazzalil: fuck.

schwoopsie: watch as zazzalil’s inability to scroll causes her downfall

zazzalil: actually now that i’ve kicked you both i feel much better thank you very much

schwoopsie: hmm. then you’ll have no trouble adding us back?

jemilla: she’s been staring at her phone looking deeply troubled and i looked over just now and she was staring at your contact, finger hovering over ‘add person’ so i’d say she’s considering

zazzalil: i am a weak woman i can’t do it.

the tribe is alive and kickin
6:45 pm

jemilla added tiblyn to the tribe is alive and kickin

jemilla added schwoopsie to the tribe is alive and kickin

9 people
8:46 pm

zazzalil: thanks babe :)

jemilla: no worries :)

Emberly: Next time could we please include Grant in our spontaneous group chat switches?!

zazzalil: sorry embs but tbh i didn’t even notice he wasn’t in this one

sb: zazz i just scrolled up and uh. pretty sure you made this gc to ask us what to get grant for his birthday two years ago

ducker: ohhhhh so that’s why he’s not here?

zazzalil added grant to the group chat

zazzalil changed the group name to are ya happy now emberly

tiblyn: WAIT THAT WAS ALMOST THE GC NAME FROM THE TIME AHSHSKHDK

zazzalil: huh

tiblyn: attached image

zazzalil: oh SHIT

zazzalil: well that was an accident

the tribe is alive and kickin
2:47 am

tiblyn: if you guys ever get a netflix documentary you’d better include me in it