Chapter Text
Chapter 12.
I was in love with Roderich.
Yeah, love. I mean this.
I was head over wheels about him.
I loved him so, so, so much – too much for my own good maybe – and suddenly feelings I spent almost six years seeking to erase and avoid because they were too painful, hit me with full force.
He was kissing me. No, get this: he was kissing me. He was ACTUALLY kissing me. The awareness of this action was like a black hole inside me, sucking all my soul, concentration and senses.
Roderich was pressing his mouth against mine with an inexplicable despair. Frowning with eyes firmly shut, as if he was doing his best to not miss a single sensation of that contact between us. He pressed one of his hands on my shirt and put the other behind the back of my neck and the feeling of it running up and down my nape caused the most dangerously good shivers I had ever experienced in all my life.
Part of me was screaming how wrong all of this was and another part was disoriented with how right it felt. A sense of "finally" seemed to be emanating from every core of my body, like a substance pulsing through my veins. Years of hidden lines, twists and denial didn't prevent us from getting there and we finally were kissing. God, I was almost going crazy, wanting this moment.
Even to someone with a spirit as noble as mine, making the necessary preparations so that the person you're in love with will be happy forever with another one... It fucking hurts. I didn't want to admit how I felt about Roderich, although it was obvious to everyone around me because I've always been aware that it was a feeling with no chances of return. My greatest comfort was my that I would make the person that I loved happy, planning a great wedding for him.
Unconsciously, I worked more and better to plan his parties than I did in any other events. It was like a defense mechanism. In a silent portion of my mind, resided the whispered thought that if I organized a perfect wedding for Roderich, this would be a great parting gift for us and, at the same time, a way to let reality hit me. After all, in a perfect wedding party, you are able to see the promises of eternal love between the newlyweds, to feel the connection between them... and I needed to have it rubbed in my face to get over what I felt for that aristocrat.
My affection for Roderich was extremely simple and spontaneous. This is why it was so hard to escape from it. Any fire would have gone out with the constant buckets of cold water that were his weddings. Unfortunately, what I felt was not hot and vulnerable like fire. It was solid as a stubborn stone. I did not love the Roderich for specific reasons, neither did I have clear or detailed expectations about our future. I don't know when or how I had begun to love him and he definitely was not my image of an ideal partner.
However, I had an inclination and predisposition to memorize the smallest details that built the complex human being he was, to laugh by his side and feel at ease in his presence and before I even knew it, deep feelings had been developed within me, for that individual with all his faults and qualities, foibles and quirks, dreams and fears. It wasn't something I controlled, wanted or planned. My feelings came to me as easily and naturally as my breath.
I mean, fuck, there were times I couldn't even look directly at Roderich without feeling such a strong affection compressing my heart, that I felt like it caused a strange effect on my face and tried many times to disguise it looking to anywhere eles but him. I showed my dumbest smiles when Roderich was around. He turned me into one of those sentimental idiots who wake up and go to sleep with one specific person in mind.
In short, from the beginning I was totally screwed, and now I was more screwed than ever.
I didn't match Roderich's motions, although the movements of his mouth on mine were demanding and greedy. However, I also couldn't push him away from me because I just didn't have the will left for it.
I was crazy about Roderich for years and now he was kissing me as if this was the last kiss of our lives. I'm sorry, okay?! In spite of everything, I am human! There was no way I would take the initiative to push him away, so I closed my eyes and held my breath, pressing his body against mine, in a frightened instinct.
I was paralyzed. I couldn't return Roderich's kiss or refuse it, which left me with no choice but to stay still, completely petrified, while my heart beat heavily against my chest.
After the longest forty seconds of my entire existence, we finally reached a certain point in which Roderich had to pull away to get his breath. That was the opportunity I'd been waiting to escape. I tried to take a step back and distance myself from Roderich but he stopped me and practically growled, with his mouth open over mine and his lips dangerously close to touching my own in the pronunciation of each letter:
“Sleep with me.”
…
I never, never, never, never would have imagined that after an experience like that, the first words of Roderich would be these.
“…What?!” I shouted mortified.
“Sleep with me,” he insisted, putting both hands on my face. There was not even a hint of hesitation or irony in his countenance.
My heart was racing like crazy. My series of heartbeats was so fast I could feel it in my neck. Like a drum. Like a drum. Like a drum.
Before me was the person with whom I was madly in love for years. He was right in front of me with his lips intentionally within my reach, practically demanding that I devour him.
If only the situation was a little bit simpler… If I could just get overwhelmed by my desire, I would probably feel the need of giving him what he asked from me. I would push him down on my couch, put my hands possessively on his hips and kiss him deeply and desperately, stealing all the air from his lungs. Let's just say what I would do with him would be so intense that the term "sleep" would be a terrible understatement to describe our whole experience. “Screw the consequences” or something along those lines. Six years is such an awfully long amount of time.
However, what I felt for Roderich was not a plain “need”. I loved him. For real. And so when he made me this request, instead of a raw, wild, intense desire, I felt ... sadness.
Come on, I wasn't stupid. I was aware that he was just trying to sleep with me because he was confused, frightened and needy with all that was happening. He didn't want to lose the comfortable stability of my presence in his life and sought to use his ultimate means to keep me. This is why, I was devastated. Because it was terrible to realize that even though physically I was closer to the Roderich than I ever been, he remained unreachable for me.
The ring in his hand was the proof of that.
The ring! Suddenly, the feel of the gold and diamond, hard and cold against my skin, reminded me of how insensitive the Roderich was being at that very moment and turned my pain into rage.
How dared he betray someone like Vash? They were literally about to get married! Vash was putting so much effort into that relationship! He didn't deserve to be stabbed in the back like that. Also, what about me?! How could he just treat my feelings with such carelessness? Did he had the slightest notion of how much he was hurting me with that proposal for casual sex?!
Although I loved Roderich, I still could realize that he was being a big asshole and if he thought I wouldn't confront him about that, he was very mistaken.
“Roderich, you…! Shit, Roderich!” I pulled back, pushing him by the shoulders and staring at him with a strong mixture of astonishment and indignation. “You're engaged! How can you ask me something like that?! Vash doesn't deserve what you're doing! I made the preparations your wedding, remember?! I know the investment that he made! I know how hard he tries to be romantic, even if you both are terrible at it! I won't allow you to cheat a guy like him, Eldestein!”
“So you're seriously saying I should end my upcoming marriage for a single night of fun?” He put his hands on his hips and sounded quite offended. For the first time in all those years, I didn't find his shameless behaviour funny. “Do you want me to cancel all of my plans for a few hours of…?”
No no no no. He HAD TO BE JOKING.
“No! That's not what I want! Didn't you hear anything I was SCREAMING IN YOUR FACE?!” at this point, I found myself equally perplexed and angry with him.
ARGH. It was impossible to decide if I should feel more upset or shocked with his interpretation of my words. I was yelling and yet he still wasn't listening! Having to hear his completely wrong translations of what I was saying was so frustrating! How could he shape my words like that to accommodate them to what was convenient to him?! For fuck’s sake. Was he claiming that he still didn't know what I wanted?! Well then! I would say EXACTLY what I wanted this time!
“Roderich, I want you to have a fantastic wedding and find whatever is the object of your eternal search in Vash! I want to hear from you, in five years, and find out that you are still happy with the person you have chosen as your husband! I want you to become a funny reminder of the old days! I don't want to be your regretful night!”
He opened his mouth to retort but I got ahead of him, not having any patience left to keep dodging the truth with euphemisms, excuses and rationalizations:
“Yes, a ‘regretful night’. Let's be honest, aristocrat. I don't fit in any of your criteria.” As I said it, I was smiling with aggressive scorn, but I guess my true feelings were exposed at the time. After all, my vision was blurred because of the tears that were beginning to pile up and burn in my eyes. Argh. That was just what I needed. I probably looked like a complete idiot. “I don't plan to let you live off my money, flatter you all the time or change my personality to endear myself to you. I will never hesitate to confront you when you do something wrong and I will always be someone with a personality opposite to yours. HA! Could I be any further from the image of convenience and comfort you've been looking for? We both know very well that the only reason why you're acting this way now is because you're insecure and you want to follow the easiest escape route. For you, it may be convenient to put me in that position, young lord, but I'm at my limit. I'm not gonna be your emotional steppe anymore. Honestly, I just want you to get married and learn to be content with what you already have.” I sighed, clenched my fists and finally added with difficulty, “Not everyone has the good fortune to be with the people they want, Eldestein. Have a fantastic and lasting marriage with your boyfriend. Pretend I don't exist and that none of this happened.”
"Not everyone has the good fortune to be with the people they want" ... Well, that was a statement that I could make with confidence.
Speaking it required an additional effort on my part, however I hoped that was the reality check that would teach a lesson to Roderich permanently.
As for the rest of what I said, I don't think there is anything to be explained.
I couldn't know for sure if Roderich would marry again or not but that would be the last wedding I would plan for him.
I would distance myself from him, end my work and that was it. From that point, our paths would be completely separated.
It would be the best for everyone involved.
Strangely, at hearing my request, he showed a softer and quieter reaction than I expected. He was not surprised, angry or saddened by what I said. He just shrugged his shoulders and gave a slightly more serious and dark touch to his features, with the tolerable level of disappointment of a person finding out that their favorite cereal is no longer being produced. His following words were also not quite what I had in mind.
“No, you are not being sincere,” he said with an low voice and lowered eyes. “This is not what you reallywant.”
I started laughing dryly and raised an eyebrow as if to say ‘Since-when-did-you-become-the-owner-of-truth-and-who-was-dumb-enough-to-give-you-this-title-Rod?’. I wanted to deny what he said. However when I paid more attention to his expression, I noticed that it wouldn't do any good. By the look of things, Roderich had been fully aware of my feelings for a very long time.
“Indeed.” I sighed, covering my eyes with one hand and wiping away the salty drops of them with the other. “Do you know what I want?” I said, changing the direction of my plans. “I want you to get completely out from your wedding planning, Roderich, and never again see you in my office, asking me to be your wedding planner. Don't come near me anymore, right? Seriously.”
“You can't quit!” He exclaimed actually appalled by my decision. “That would be very unprofessional of you!”
“Professionalism?!” I got fired up. “Roderich Eldestein, we are so far from the line of professionalism that we would need an airplane to get there!” I shouted, making a rather energetic gesture with my extended arm and pointing to the wall to my right, as if I was pointing to our metaphorical transportation.
“Gilbert…”
When I started to notice some indications of pity, fucking pity, in the way he said my name, despite the burning anger that I was expressing at him, I concluded that I couldn't bear one more second of that discussion.
“I'm going to ask my secretary to deal with transferring your wedding planning,” I reported in more professional tone. “If you want to sue me, send a message for her, and I'll talk to my lawyer.”
This time, I didn't have to take him to the door. I walked over there and just waited. He only had to lay eyes on my face to know that I wouldn't stand another resistance on his part. Not that it would take me to the top of my fury or something. It would simply destroy me inside. Nothing more, nothing less.
It was kinda humiliating convincing Roderich Eldestein to leave my house, not out of intimidation by my authority or fear of my retaliation but because he didn't want to hurt my fragile feelings.
As he passed through my door and stood in the hallway, there was a brief moment of fear, doubt and silence between us, which prevented me from closing it immediately.
When we locked our eyes on each other, anxious for different reasons, I was overcome by the painful realization that ‘Wow, this really is a typical final farewell scene’ and so I had a momentary difficulty in concluding that moment. The realization that this was the last time I would shut my door on Roderich stopped me in the middle of this motion, prolonging the silent scene that was the closure of our relationship.
That was unavoidable though.
“Farewell, young lord.”
The moment I locked the door, my knees lost their strength and I fell onto the floor. I looked at my hands and noticed that they were shaking. My heart was beating so hard I could feel its pulsation in all major areas of my body. As I recall, the worst of all was the feeling in my chest. This point was kind of a pain epicenter. I had the physical sensation that someone had shot a harpoon through my back that had hit a mark in my body near my left lung.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I sank my face in my hands and began to inhale through the nose and exhale through the mouth. Inhale through the nose.... and exhale through the mouth... That was not helping though. My breathing easily lost its pacing and with that I was only adding "shortness of breath" to my problems while my lungs seemed to be too heavy with or without air.
I didn't even get the comfort of crying.
I looked at my ceiling for a good amount of time and lay down on the floor of my kitchen, consumed by an unimaginable fatigue. I didn't cry. On the other hand, I couldn't escape from my restlessness and anxiety or from thoughts that they generated. I couldn't ignore my gloomy doubts, alarming predictions and, worst of all, unbearable happy memories of a time that wouldn't return, feeling the consequent physical and inflamed pain they inflicted on my chest.
Then, I put my hands over my ribs and tried concentrate on how my diaphragm filled and emptied of air. Filled and emptied... Filled… and emptied... Repeatedly.... I stared at the ceiling, watched every insignificant detail in it and no tears came down my face in all this time. That darkness and that weight were trapped inside me, hitting my internal organs in violent blows.