Archive of Our Own ^beta

It really was a perfect date, with the perfect person, in a perfect place, at a perfect pace. But despite it all, Shuichi still felt an unexplainable and familiar distraught grow within him, like an illness taking over a weak defenseless body. He could not help but experience such dread every time he was reminded that he was in a relationship.

At the beginning the feeling was not that strong, it was just a tiny voice bothering him from time to time, reminding him of a discomfort he sensed in the girl’s presence. He did not think much of it, he believed it was just his overly anxious side talking, or perhaps the need to adjust to the fact that he was no longer single. However, the impression did not disappear, in fact it became louder and more frequent with time. It was telling him that they were not compatible, that he was sacrificing too much for too little in return… And soon the ideas morphed into him feeling trapped, responsible and manipulated…

He knew his impressions were false, but doubt sugarcoated his soul, and he began to feel more and more pressured from every little affection the girl showed him. He overthought everything a lover’s duty was, which he did not do spontaneously. He started to wonder about simply breaking up with her, since it seemed to be what he wished for inside. But somehow it seemed like an absurd idea as nothing wrong was going on between them, they were happy and healthy together. And the more he considered taking the drastic measure, the more he felt guilty about it.

He wanted to talk to someone about it, to anyone, to ask for their opinion and their view. He was unsure what step to take, how to judge if all this was normal or not, if he had to stop or pursue. He was in it, and an outsider’s advice would have been helpful to him… But there was none. He could not bring himself to talk about it, not only because he believed that he would manage something on his own, but also because he felt like he was at fault because of who he was. And no one could understand him.

He did mention some sippets of his fear to the girl from time to time to relieve himself, and she gladly helped and reassured him patiently like any girlfriend would… But it was as if he showed her a single flower from a whole bouquet. Her kindness felt shallow in between his swirling worries, and it only confirmed what he believed before, which was that he was the one in the error. If he had such a wonderful, supportive girl by his side, how could he not be satisfied with her? He felt like an ungrateful brat, and powerless in front of all he should have been doing but did not.

Since he could not ask for help from others to come to a solution, he tried to figure it out himself. Not only what to do, but also what exactly was going on with him. He did not feel like he fell out of love, because he never even felt such feeling in the first place with her. He was the one who got declared to after they had known each other for a considerable amount of time. Their talks, interactions, hang outs were all going smoothly and well, they enjoyed themselves. And when he accepted to go out with her, he genuinely thought things would somehow work out between them. When she confessed to him, he felt like he was given the chance of a lifetime to finally be like everyone. To discover the feelings that were incessantly praised but which were alien to him.

When the opportunity rose, he remembered what they all said. That one day he would meet the one, that his heart would flutter, that his world would revolve around a single person who blew all his existence away. He wanted to see through those supposed pink lenses, he wanted to be warmed up by his heated blush, he wanted to miss and dream about a special someone. They all said that he was just picky, that he did not hang out a lot, so it was normal that he had not met her yet, but the time would come if he greeted it with open arms. And it indeed came, and he believed that his phase would come to an end with it. He would finally experience it, grow out of his apparently apathetic side. He would want peace, stability, and a family. And Shuichi believed their never-ending and repetitive words, which pushed him to accept the offer from the girl.

And when they began dating, he did feel an initial excitement. It felt good to be loved, he enjoyed this new experience. But the charm faded after a certain amount of time, the moment he realized that he was not in fact interested in the girl, but in the idea of being in a relationship. As he noticed that it was not his feelings but his curiosity and hope that were his drive, he got scared. Can he be together with someone if that person was not precious to him? If it was the idea itself that drove him in and not the individual?

And soon his worry turned into a deeply seated horrifying feeling that roamed inside him. One he could not control, an incoherent mechanism which made him feel like trash for who he was. For not feeling anything, and because he could not explain how and what disturbed him. It just grew worse and worse, it putrefied his soul with guilt, anxiety, fear, nausea… He tried to suppress these disgustful emotions with his whole being for so long. But ultimately it all came to the same conclusion, one he could not and did not want to accept no matter what. He could not conceive the fact that he was feeling what he was feeling, or in fact, lacking an emotion he was supposed to have.

However, he did not want to give up so shortly. He truly believed from his core that he was a late bloomer, that he was just not ready to feel it, but soon he would. He truly believed that she would be the one to change him, make him understand the descriptions given to him by so many, after all she was perfect. He truly believed that with her help, her presence, her existence, he would finally feel the emotions that he oh so many times heard, read, witnessed, but never experienced. He gave it a chance and held onto it for as long as he could, as if he were dangling on a rope, scraping his hands all the while slowly falling into a deep, dark pit. And instead of falling for her, he started to feel like he closed himself into a cage that he began to be too scared to break down.

His logic was conflicted as he had no reason to separate from her. He could not say that there was anything wrong with being in a relationship, perhaps even on the contrary. He liked the advantages she offered, the safety that was promised from her, being loved, cherished, and pampered. And he liked to show his affection too, he enjoyed all of it. So it just did not make any sense to want to quit. He could not even say that he had any important responsibilities or pressure coming from her, which was impressive compared to other couples where both parties usually gave the same input into keeping the relationship steady. Since it made no sense to complain with these circumstances, he began to smother the negative thoughts and persisted in holding on, reminding himself that it was for his benefit.

But at some point, even these small enjoyments turned sour. He was not “liking” them anymore, he was “needing” them, or one would say, “fear the lack of it”. He did not want to be alone or lonely again, not anymore, he was scared to face life without someone by his side. He wanted to be able to always rely on someone, and the girl was his trustworthy support. He guessed that this was the will that all were talking about; this need for stability. But for him it was not accompanied with a sweet elation and kind daydreaming of a shared future. It was filled with gruesome worry and dependance.

So soon he just shut off his thoughts, and his episode of denial began. Since he should have not had such thoughts when he was lucky to be together with an amazing person, he decided to just ignore them. He wanted to make the most of their connection, enjoy the fact that he was with someone so astounding, not think about the displeasing background. But the further he dwelled into their romance, the more he found himself uncomfortable and suffocating, as the horribly cruel unsaid was piling up in his filled-up mind, yelling and screaming like hyenas for attention. He tried to hush them, but once everything reminded him of his poison, he could not continue being deaf about his dread. He was wondering for how long he could keep up his charade, for how long he could pretend, for how long he could breathe in the mess he himself created with his own hands.

The mistake was all on him, since he was the one who believed something untrue from the beginning. Or rather, he turned a blind eye on a fact that he knew all too well that things most likely would not turn out okay. He went against his nature and wanted to try out what everyone praised. He wanted to be normal and gave himself the chance which resulted in this mess. And now he had to fix it, he decided that he would, for himself and his partner.

He glanced at Kaede, the marvelous girl walking next to him, gracefully, as she personified elegance. She was the wonder that helped him in his darkest times, the angel that made him live. Her enthusiasm was like sunshine, her smile bright like the stars. Her golden blonde hair embraced her beautiful delicate face, her purple irises beamed like jewels. Her kindness, unrivaled, attracted all, yet she only ever had eyes on Shuichi. She was a sight to behold, unparalleled yet humble. No one could ever ask for more, she was the ideal partner to dream of, to wish for, soothing their soul and heart with her calming gaze. She was hypnotizing like a nymph, an other-worldly creature, that happened to stumble on a lost lamb and took them generously in her care.

But Kaede was also the leech Shuichi put on himself. The one he knew he needed to detach from, leave, but could not. The fear of hurting her, the fear of being left alone, the fear of change, a deep-seated fear raged in him, preventing him from running away. She was the one, through no fault of her, who initiated all his worries. The one who made him think that he was in the wrong, that he was stupid, that he was delusional. He was scared to let go, which would have meant acknowledging his abnormality. And facing himself alone was more terrifying than entrapping himself in this vicious cycle.

And therefore this system of self-created toxicity went on for way too long.

But that day was different. Shuichi finally came to terms with himself. He realized what he needed and what he wished for. After countless of sleepless nights and infinite hours of pampering the thought that it was necessary for him to act upon his feelings, he finally found some courage to face his self-indulged problem.

He had to tell her the truth, the whole truth, if anything, out of respect for her. It was the very least she deserved after all she had done for him; he did not want to make her suffer on the long run. He was not afraid to reveal his true self anymore, he was aware that he could not suppress his feelings any longer after somewhat accepting them. And his self-proclaimed limits, after which he would not bear any longer, torture himself any longer, were reached too. He had to take action, for her and for himself too.

However, despite the recognition of his needs, he still did not understand himself any better. He did not know why he was different from all the others. He did not understand why he could not experience a relationship the same way everyone did. And if he were honest, he would have wanted to feel the feeling a little, just to know how it was like. But he also knew that he would not be himself if he lived such emotion. He did not regret something he simply could not obtain nor imagine. He resigned to believe that his accomplishment lied somewhere else than in romantic relationships.

That was his fatal night, the one where he felt sure and ready. Ready to gamble everything he had, what he built up with Kaede, the safety he longed for, on this uncertainty which he knew would bring him joy. Or at least cease his pain, which was at that point unlivable. He had to play, try, hope, not because he was confident to succeed, but because he was prepared to lose.

They just finished a perfect date, on a perfect night, at the perfect place, being the perfect couple. They were walking side by side in the empty street, illuminated by romantic streetlights hovering above their heads, like spotlights on a stage. Not even cars nor disturbing dogs polluted the beautiful silence reigning on their way, only distant public transportations chimed like tiny angel bells. No wind and no cloud hid the breathtaking starry sky from the two who were wandering in the seemingly abandoned city, hand in hand.

Shuichi felt Kaede’s firm but delicate grip, as she smoothed her grasp into his touch, placing her long graceful fingers around his palm, caressing it lightly at each step they took together. Her soft clasp felt lively and dear, yet Shuichi stiffened at each of her brushes. He felt like he was being pulled away, imprisoned, and dragged like a slave, pushed into his cell. He hated this feeling he was feeling for no reason, especially since the girl seemed delighted by his hold. But he reminded himself of his objective.

He gazed at her for a very last time. The last time he would see her this near, being with him, with such a wonderful beam. The moments they lived together were precious, but he knew what he had to do.

               “Kaede.” Shuichi uttered stopping suddenly, pulling the girl back as she turned to him curiously.

               “Yes, my dear?”

The appellation made Shuichi flinch, he despised it but forced himself to bear with it ever since they became a couple. And that day it stung him even more than ever.

               “I have something important to tell you, would you… listen to me… please.” He mumbled nearly inaudibly, lowering his head to hide his pained expression.

               “Sure, is there something wrong?” She replied worried, taking a step back in his direction with a caring tone in her lulling voice.

Shuichi took a deep breath and felt his vision blur like streets on a foggy night. He was unsure what to do now that he was taking action, solving his problem. He forgot everything he had prepared in his mind, all seemed like a disorganized jumble in his head. The stress made his senses numb and he suddenly realized that vocalizing his feelings would not be as easy as he predicted it to be. However, his instincts took over, and he began to develop a speech, he had no idea where it led, with an uncomfortable heat stinging on his skin.

               “Kaede, we’ve been dating for a while… Before and during this time we spent together, I got to see how wonderful of a person you are. You’re caring, smart, hard-working, inspiring, nobody could wish for a better girlfriend than you. Being together with you is fun and reassuring, you do your best to make me feel special, loved. Without you I would be nobody. And as great and as perfect as you are, I… I…”

Shuichi stopped for a second, scared by the thought of his truth getting revealed little by little. He really did not want to do this, but he just could not keep on lying forever. However, Kaede’s beautiful irises hushed him as she probably found out where he was going. He could see the first humid droplet form in her eyes as she blinked more and more, getting ready for the dreadful words. Her suffering was unbearable to watch, he felt her pain, but he could not back off anymore. Shuichi was about to pronounce the heavy words, continue his speech, conclude this chapter, when suddenly…

               “You want to break up with me, don’t you?” The girl breathed, with a tiny, forced smile, and silenced herself before continuing with a raspy voice, “I could see that you were uncomfortable with me lately, so I’m… not that surprised.”

She tilted her head gracefully, letting her golden locks dangle near her slim face, like bamboo bending in the wind. She grabbed unto her clothes’ fabric near her heart, squeezing it in her strong grip, biting unto her lips to avoid the first tear race down her cheek. She started breathing more and more heavily, trying to keep her composure, clear agony drawn on her delicate face. She kept on her beam, probably trying to make it easier for Shuichi, but it was not hard to notice her gentle quavering.

He could see that she had been getting ready for this talk for a considerable amount of time. She must have sensed his discomfort, and solely the thought of hurting her these past days because of his indecisiveness tore his heart into shambles. But he got himself together to concentrate on the pressing issue, what had to be done.

               “No… actually… I want to have you forever by my side.” He corrected the girl trembling and turning to the side to avoid her gaze.

               “H-huh?”

               “What I wanted to say is different. In fact, what I would tell you would push YOU to want to break up with me.” He précised, hugging himself, not daring to look at Kaede, “I never wished for you to leave me.”

Kaede looked up at Shuichi with an agape mouth, clearly lost by this turn of events. He could understand her confusion, after all his tone, his attitude, everything indicated her that he would want to separate, but now he seemed to ask for the opposite.

               “What’s been bothering me for months… No maybe years now… Is… That…” He gulped hardly, feeling his heartbeat increase, his blood boil up in anxiousness, and lungs itch, “I am unable to love.”

He finally said it.

               “Huh… Sorry?”

               “I… have never been romantically attracted to anyone… and I don’t believe I ever will be… or can be.”

Hearing the heavy words leave his mouth, the ones that burdened him for years and years as he watched everyone live their dreams as a couple, felt otherworldly, bizarre, and out of place. He could not believe that he was able to share them, to make them official. He was telling the truth and not just a theory. He felt as if he were a different person now that he revealed his true self, he felt that he became someone else in Kaede’s but also the world’s eyes. His status as “being able to love” was altered indefinitely, which he now acknowledged as a part of him, and acted upon it.

It felt so normal, that it became strange for him to have to say it out loud, as if it were only natural for Shuichi to never be able to love and there was no need to spell it out. Yet he also felt like he said something he should not have, that he was still being delusional, faking it, and the others were right, and he just did not meet the right one. He also felt weird that something so personal about him was out, that it was no longer a secret, that he would be viewed differently from now on. He was conflicted between these opposing impressions, which led him to shut off his overthinking mind. Despite knowing that nothing would drastically change just from telling Kaede, he still felt proud. It was his first time revealing his truth to anyone, and it was the first step to let everyone else know it too.

He would not deny that he felt terrified, petrified even, but mostly relieved from coming out. He had to wait for Kaede’s reaction to have the full-on impression of his first time, but the simple act of being able to be his true self lifted a weight off his soul. It was not an elation or a joy, just a relief, one that numbed him in a new way. It felt special to him, unique, and personal. He felt like he was alone in the world while saying it, despite telling it directly to Kaede.

He glanced up at the girl, ready for her reaction, which would determine his future and destiny. But somehow, he could not see her, nor sense her expression, at least not at that very moment. He saw no one, he was just aware that Kaede was there, but this moment was his and his alone. Perhaps because he officialized his identity, or because of the stress, but it felt refreshing.

However, the second did not last forever, as Kaede only needed a little time to process that something was said, and the meaning behind it. The words were simple, but so hard to understand, to accept, to acknowledge. But eventually she replied, and Shuichi was ready, but a lot less confident than before. It was the time to face not himself, but the outside, the others.

               “You’ve never been in love…?” She muttered a little confused, tilting her head.

               “Y… yes I haven’t.” He hushed out his answer feeling uncomfortable for needing to repeat himself.

               “I mean… Huuum… I am not sure…” She was looking for the right way to express herself, more perplexed than anything, “I am just not sure how seriously to take this… Or more like how to interpret it…” Shuichi wanted to explain, but she continued her point before he could, “Were you ever in love with me?”

               “No, I wasn’t.” He replied seemingly assured, but inside his heart was being squished from anxiety, and his back was sweating making his shirt stick to his skin.

               “Okay, no problem… I mean there is nothing wrong with that. Some people date to fall in love with a person instead of doing it the other way around.” She explained as if the Shuichi did not already know such fact.

               “Kaede, I will never be in love with you.”

A still silence reigned in between the two for seconds which felt like hours. The previously appeasing calmness felt heavy now as the lights reverberated on their unmoving bodies. Standing face to face, all the world disappeared from around them as the night gulped it into its kingdom. Kaede was breathing steadily, staring straight into Shuichi’s irises, probably collecting herself before talking, as the latter discreetly gulped not detaching from her gaze.

               “Then you should break up with me.” She pronounced the dreadful words, unwavering, “If you don’t love me, and you won’t, there is no point in being in a relationship with me.”

               “But—”

               “Shuichi, don’t make this hard, you know this very well!” She raised her voice furrowing her brows and flinching.

               “No, Kaede, you are misunderstanding everything! Hear me out!”

               “I hear you all too well! What is there to talk about?” Her voice started to break, “Why are you doing this? Holding unto me if you don’t want me? Why rejecting me if you don’t want to break up? You don’t make any sense!”

               “L-let me talk please.” Shuichi begged lowering his head cringing his shoulders and squinting his eyes to avoid showing his weakness, “I want to try… to explain.”

               “…” She stared stoically at the man in front her, like a stone statue looking forever in the same direction heartlessly, “Okay.”

Unable to pronounce more, she gave Shuichi the chance to tell his point of view. He knew that he must not mess this up, or else everything would end for them. He had to choose his words perfectly, he had to reason with her in a way she would understand, despite her agitation.

               “I am… unable to love you romantically, but I still love you… in another way. I like the time we spend together, our dates, our talks. I am fond of you, and I trust you, I want to be together with you, heck even live together if it comes to that. Like I said before, you are an amazing person, and I could not wish for anyone better than you by my side. And not feeling anything romantic towards you does not prevent that.” He stopped for a second, overwhelmed by the emotion, but soon resumed his speech, “For me, having to do what people do on a date, holding hands, kissing, it doesn’t bother me, or I should rather say that I enjoy the affection… But I don’t like the idea behind it, the fact that I am in a relationship. And it’s not the commitment that scares me either, because living together with the person is also something I want. I like the security, the safety, and being with someone in general.” He paused again, and glanced at the girl intensely, trying to show her his resolve, “It’s really just the status of being one’s boyfriend, and the idea of being linked to someone that bothers me.”

He stopped, and calmed himself, breathing silently, unsure what expression he was currently harboring on his face. He could only hear his own heartbeat and panting in the abandoned night. Kaede was dazzled, taken aback, and clearly needed a little time to process his words. They remained mute, letting the words sink in.

               “How is that any different of being lovers?” She asked nearly tonelessly, trying to come to a conclusion.

               “I-it’s not the same. You are not in love just because you do romantic stuff with your friends for example.” He tried to clear up the issue, grabbing unto his fingers, feeling in his gut that it would not end well.

               “So you want to be friends with benefits?”

               “N-no! Otherwise I wouldn’t want to date and live together with you.” He retorted feeling clearly that she was not on the same page as him.

               “Then what do you want? I don’t understand…” She sounded desperate and lost, unable to comprehend.

               “What I just said. To be together with someone without being a couple.” He reformulated his words, but clearly heard the incoherence lying in his claim, which suddenly scared him.

               “No, Shuichi, WHAT do you want?” She insisted, looking for a specific term to define his wish, “You’re saying that you want to be together with someone without being together with them, it doesn’t make any se—"

               “I don’t know!” He cut her words short, feeling the pain sting him, “I already said that I want to be in a relationship with someone without romantic feelings being involved with it. That’s all.”

               “But how can you believe that anyone would agree to that?” She shook her head, completely lost, “And I love you Shuichi, how do you expect me to suddenly stop loving you?”

               “You don’t need to Kaede, it’s not you loving me that bothers me. It’s the fact that this is a romantic relationship, and I am not romantically in love with you. I want to be together with you, but I don’t want to feel responsible because I don’t love you the same way, because I can’t. I don’t want to be called your boyfriend when my heart doesn’t race whenever I am close to you. I don’t want to be called your boyfriend when I don’t long for you in my dreams. It would be lying and it’s not what I want out of this relationship.”

               “So am I not special to you?” She mumbled on the verge of tears, trembling like a leaf in the wind.

               “No, not at all, Kaede, you are special to me. I wouldn’t want to live with anyone else than you.” He yelled, holding her shoulder firmly so she would look at him, “It’s just not romantically.”

Quietness reigned yet again in between the two as they both calmed down and collected themselves. Shuichi let go of the girl and clenched his fist painfully. He did not want all this to unfold like it did, but he did expect this outcome. He knew what he asked for was absurd and none-sensical, and he did not await Kaede to just accept it. He probably would not have in her stead. He was honest, and that was all that really mattered at that moment. He expressed his needs and wishes, but the choice to accept or reject them was up to her.

He looked up at the starry sky, knowing all too well what her answer would be. This exchange, and just from knowing her in general made him sure of her response. He was not scared anymore, and despite all the hardships, he learnt a valuable lesson from this relationship too, and he would forever be grateful to the girl for it. A sudden chilly wind blew through his hair which he welcomed eagerly, telling him it was time to move on. He turned to Kaede, who was ready to give her verdict.

               “Shuichi, I am sorry, but I just can’t be together with someone who doesn’t love me back. It just feels unfair to me…” She muttered the words, “It’s different if they don’t love me but want to give it a chance and go out with me to fall in love. But if it’s impossible for you to ever have feelings for me… I am sorry it just won’t work. I hope you understand…”

               “I do.” He nodded with a smile, feeling the unsurprising consequence unfold before him. “Kaede… Thank you for all your time and kindness, I wish I could have given you the same too… I’m sorry…”

               “There is nothing to apologize for, it’s not your fault.” She smiled genuinely this time, tilting her head angelically, “I hope you will find your happiness. Thank you for being honest with me.”

               “Thank you for accepting me.” He returned the gratitude with a beam, “I guess we will thank each other incessantly from now on!” He laughed scratching the back of his neck.

               “Well, that’s just who we are!” She exclaimed with a giggle, before turning away, twirling her skirt, “Goodbye Shuichi. I’ll call you when I am ready to be friends again.”

               “I’ll be waiting.”

The girl walked away into the night, leaving Shuichi alone under the lamppost with this clumsy ending and new beginning. He felt free, determined, and strong. There was going to be no more hiding, no more suffering, he could finally close off all his worries. He could find a new happiness, one which suited him more. He felt more relief than pain from this separation, even if breaking off a long and solid relationship with someone always had a certain effect on each party. All he built up ended in the accompted result and a light satisfaction pulsed through his body as he let his self-deprecation go.

               “Daaaamn that was intense there!” Remarked a high-pitched mocking tone from behind, breaking Shuichi off his daydreaming.

               “Huh? What are you—”

Shuichi turned to the origin of the voice and saw a small, thin-looking man sitting on a nearby bench, with his legs crossed and arms resting behind him. He had a quirky smile, piercing, big lilac eyes, porcelain white cheeks and purple dangling hair, longing his face in messy locks. He was dressed lightly for the night, aside from his checkered scarf, which hid his neck from the cold. He looked relaxed and confident under the blinding lights.

               “Me? Just a passerby who happened to overhear your discussion.” He informed Shuichi, getting up with a hop, and getting closer to him with a few steps, “Kokichi Oma at your service.”

               “Hum… Yes?” Shuichi quizzed not sure what the other one was awaiting.

               “Your name perhaps? Or should I come up with a fancy one?” He wondered tilting his head childishly.

               “Oh! Shuichi Saihara.” He responded instinctively, still surprised by all that was unfolding.

Shuichi was not used to strike up conversations with strangers, especially not in the middle of the night, and even less after a breakup. But somehow, he did not feel uncomfortable at that moment, perhaps because it was the shorter one who was leading the talk.

               “So hum… How can I help you?” He asked scratching the back of his head.

               “Help me? Well I guess yes, but I would mostly be helping you.” Shuichi was about to interrupt him, but Kokichi continued, “How about we go out with each other, Shuichi Saihara?”

Shuichi stared at Kokichi for a few seconds before processing his words, dumbfounded. He was waiting for him to say that it was a misplaced joke, or a silly prank, but no such thing happened as Kokichi continued staring at him with the widest of smirks. There was no way he could be serious…

               “What?”

               “You heard me well, let’s go out with each other.”

               “You mean… You… Want to date me?” Shuichi inquired pointing at himself with ogling eyes.

               “That’s the idea.” The other nodded giggling.

               “Huh?! But you… You heard that I just broke up with my ex-girlfriend.” He reminded the other holding his forehead astonished.

               “Indeed.”

               “And I told her that I am unable to love her.”

               “Yup.”

               “Or anyone.”

               “Hm.”

               “And you still want to go out with me?” He exclaimed completely lost.

               “If it’s really all that worries you, then we should already be together!” Kokichi laughed gleefully, clapping his hands, “But I’m serious. Let’s give this relationship a go.”

Shuichi observed Kokichi closely, unable to sense a hint of irony in his tone. Thousands of questions tumbled in his head as he tried to find any kind of logic behind this stranger’s proposition, but there seemed to be none. He was not sure how to react either, how to politely turn down the other who in the matter of seconds managed to make him go insane.

               “You make no sense. To ask a stranger out on a whim knowing that they won’t be able to love anyone right after their breakup… It’s just absurd.” He enlisted part of the reasons that bothered him, but he did not even try to be coherent with his explanation, as the problem was already self-explanatory.

               “My, my that’s a lot to tackle… How about we discuss that during a long stroll?” Kokichi suggested with a grin, leading Shuichi to where he wanted to go.

Feeling like he had no choice, Shuichi decided to follow the peculiar person, also a little curious of his real objective. It was also the perfect distraction from his grief, so he just tagged along to forget his pain along the way. He watched as the man crossed his slender arms behind his back and took big steps as if he owned the place. On the other hand, he was playful and cheeky, notably because he was trying to not walk on the side of the tiles like kids did. His boasting and his childishness combined strangely intrigued Shuichi rather than annoy him, and he was willing to listen to his charade if it was entertaining too.

               “First things first, talking to a stranger… Well that’s how you meet new people, so suck it up!” He yelped with a wink, “It’s not my fault you piqued my interest which pushed me to talk to you. Now I just hope you’ll live up to my expectations and won’t be boring.”

Shuichi snickered hearing his bratty attitude which painted him in an interesting color. Acting all high and mighty despite his size made an amusing contrast which he loved a lot. And it was not as if he were telling something untrue either, why would there need to be a reason to talk to someone new? He nodded to acknowledge his words and let Kokichi continue.

               “Second, after hearing that they can’t love anyone romantically… who cares? And for the breakup part, yeah kinda insensitive, but to be honest, you didn’t look that devasted from it, so I guessed it would be fine.” He summed up the last two points dismissively, wanting to move on to the best part.

               “Woah, calm down there, what do you mean who cares? It’s pretty important if you want to date someone!” Shuichi retorted furrowing his brows, “Wouldn’t it bother you if your feelings were not reciprocated?”

               “Urgh that’s the whole point!” Kokichi groaned to himself, rubbing his temple, taking a big breath, “For starters, I don’t agree with that bimbo from before. I don’t believe two people have to share the same emotions to work it out, what they really need is a same goal and will, you see? So I don’t care if you love me or a horse as long as our objectives are compatible.”

               “And how would you know that they are?” He interrupted him, tilting his head.

               “Patience my beloved, I’m getting there.”

The sweet appellation surprised Shuichi as it came unexpectedly in their conversation, but somehow, unlike when Kaede called her pet names, it did not make feel uncomfortable. Perhaps because there was no loving nor endearing feeling behind it, no infatuation was involved. It was just a way to name him, nothing more. He slightly smiled, glad that these types of words did not become taboo for him, and he could genuinely enjoy hearing them from someone else.

But Kokichi not noticing his reaction, suddenly stopped, and turned to Shuichi to go on with his point. He was gazing into his dark eyes, and Shuichi felt weak in front of such assertion.

               “Then of course our characters also have to be compatible. Because yeah, if we both want to eat pasta, but different types, we will still argue in the aisle, and that won’t go well either. But somehow you know, I feel like we won’t have a problem with that.” He smiled mischievously, “And I mean, that’s also why people date, to find out what the other person is like! Not to fall in love, like blondie said.” He added grumpily, “So anyway, consider this as a trial after which we’ll know if we can bear the other or not.”

               “Dating as a trial? You’re awfully romantic I see.” Shuichi huffed with a hint of irony in his voice, crossing his arms amused.

               “I’ll come to that too. But you should stop complaining about romanticism Mr. Aromantic.”

               “Aromantic?”

Kokichi halted suddenly, making Shuichi almost bump into him. He lifted his hand in front of him as if he were astounded and gazed at Shuichi as if he were out of his mind. The other glanced at him perplexed, wondering if he said anything wrong.

               “Excuse me… Are you telling me that I have to explain that to you?” Kokichi quizzed still astonished.

               “Hum…”

               “Now that I think about it, you didn’t use the term when you told her, so I guess… Well I just thought you didn’t want to confuse her. Though saying all that stuff when you didn’t know what you were talking about! I’m impressed…” He started to mumble to himself, rubbing his chin in his hand not even looking in Shuichi’s direction as he talked.

               “Hum… Kokichi…”

               “I better do it for you then!” He clapped his hands and turned to Shuichi with an angelic gleam, “Aromantic is an umbrella term to define a person who has little or lack of romantic attraction. Subcategories exist of course, but let’s just stay simple since you are new to this.” He summed up with yet again a simple hand movement, “I presume you never heard of the term before.”

               “Kokichi slow down please!” Shuichi yelped completely panicked having heard too much in so little time.

               “That’s what he said.” Kokichi stuck out his tongue and then paused to give Shuichi the necessary time to process it all.

Shuichi sat down on a nearby bench and held his head in his hand, furrowing his brows trying to concentrate. Basically a stranger wanted to date him, and told him he was aromantic or something. According to the simplistic description he was given it seemed to fit him pretty well, but he did not want to rush anything, he had to think it through.

He thought back on his past, on the time he spent with Kaede, all the alienating feelings people described to him. He remembered as he tried to force himself to love someone, pretending to have crushes, because it looked as if it were a requirement for all. The love stories he read were pleasant and sweet, but in real life nothing ever happened to him, and nobody interested him in that way. Just like he said to Kaede before, all he ever wished for was to live with somebody without needing the romantic feelings behind. He was aromantic.

Kokichi sat down next to him, and dangled his legs under the bench, waiting for him with a reassuring smile. He could see Shuichi’s distraught and held back his teasing to help him a little, which the other appreciated fondly. He glanced at Kokichi and wondered about him.

               “Hey, hum… Well first of all thanks. It’s weird to say that a stranger knows me better than I do myself, but I guess in this case you pinpointed me accurately.”

               “Nishishi, my pleasure. I’m just so generous and helpful.”

               “But… what about you?” He asked still unsure of his reasons, “Why did you come up to me and asked me to go out with you?

               “Like I said before, I believe that two people are meant to be together if they are compatible in their characters, and if they are looking for the same thing. And I overheard that you were looking for someone like me, so I just couldn’t help but present myself to you.” He sang facing Shuichi to show his seriousness.

               “You mean…”

               “You want to live together with someone without needing to love them romantically. You want to go on dates and show your affection without needing to have a racing heart. You want to be able to count on someone without needing to feel attached to that person as their romantic partner.” He enumerated all of Shuichi’s words, “You didn’t mention anything about sex, but hey, we’ll work that part out later. Long things short, I can give you that, or more like… I would want to give you that if you can return the favor.”

Shuichi stared at Kokichi for long everlasting seconds, unable to muster the courage to speak. He could not believe that a person like him existed, that anyone would ever think and feel like him, be like him. Everyone and even Kaede understated that he was in the wrong, that he was picky, that he was weird, but right now, here in front of this man he met just a few minutes ago, he felt more accepted and real than ever before. Someone out there respected his person, his wishes and did not make him feel as if he were delusional, unlucky, or broken. He was real, his feelings were real, and his preference was reasonable.

He noticed that he was holding back his breath and getting lost in Kokichi’s mesmerizing amethyst eyes. He bit his lower lip and let the appeasing warmth pump from his heart to everywhere in his body, numbing his senses as elation embraced his being. The chill of the night, the silence of the sounds, the odd city smell danced and twirled all around him as he finally came to terms with himself.

               “Kokichi, you…”

               “Yup, I’m also aromantic. Not so hard to deduce from all of this.”

               “But you… oh.”

Shuichi felt a furtive tear run down his cheek and land on the cold hard ground gracefully. He gasped in surprise and smudged his eye to prevent further ones to manifest, but he was already embarrassed as he was. He blinked a few times to get himself together as Kokichi suddenly grabbed his other hand to squeeze it into his grip, comforting, gently pressing his knuckles with his thin fingers. Yet again, opposing the impression he had with Kaede, having his hand in Kokichi’s did not feel entrapping nor overbearing. He did not feel like a possession, or out of place, he just felt the man’s kindness.

               “Sorry for that, I did not mean to cry…” He began to apologize for his sudden outburst.

               “Don’t worry, I know the feeling.” Kokichi shrug it off, “I’ve been through it too.”

Shuichi nodded approving, sensing the empathy emanating from Kokichi who was relating to his situation. Shuichi wondered how Kokichi found out and how he lived his aromanticism. He wanted to know more about him, and he felt glad that it need not be in a romantic way for him to be legitimately interested in the man. He enjoyed his quirky side, his assertiveness, his overall attitude, and he felt like he could try out so much and find himself more with him by his side. He intertwined his fingers with Kokichi’s to his surprise and gazed into his eyes with a determined smile.

               “Let’s try this out. I want to give it a go.”

Kokichi remained silent for a split second before starting to gently smile in satisfaction. His pride, his joy was painted on his face, and Shuichi could see just how lucky he felt to stumble on him so randomly. Indeed, it must have been rare to not only encounter an aromantic, but also them wanting to date people and who were single. He could not imagine the excitement he must have felt when he overheard the words he addressed to Kaede. And Shuichi felt so relieved that Kokichi had to courage to confront him.

               “This will be so much fun!” He snickered overjoyed, letting his white teeth shine in his contagious smile, which urged Shuichi to beam too, “Hey, you know, usually aromantic people call their partners zucchini and are in a platonic relationship also known as QPR…” As soon as he saw Shuichi’s confused expression he decided to go to the point, “You know what, I will simplify it for you. That girlie from before thought that you wanted to be friends with benefits thinking you just wanted to show physical affection to a friend without the feelings… So if we convert it to our situation… We would technically be… boyfriends with benefits?”

               “Boyfriends with benefits?” Shuichi giggled at the calling which did not make any sense, but he did not mind, “Sure, it sounds great!”

               “But there is still a romantic appellation to it because of the ‘boyfriend’, it’s no good… Urgh, curse the lack of vocabulary for aro people!” Kokichi whined, rubbing his chin to think more.

               “It’s okay, I like the name!” Shuichi replied enthusiastically, “Let’s be boyfriends with benefits.”

Kokichi gazed up to him to see Shuichi’s thrilled grin and nodded approving his wish as he grabbed his hand.  Shuichi could not wait to discover more about himself, he could not wait to enjoy dates, and he could not wait to get to know Kokichi better. He set on a new journey, a new chapter where he felt at ease and knew he belonged in. By letting Kaede go he lost his safety, his pillar in life, but not only found a new one by Kokichi’s side, but he also started to actively build it with him.

The two men, hand in hand, walked into the dark, calm night, ready to face their future together without being together.