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Chapter Text

-
I am holding an axe...
-

Niki couldn't sleep, couldn't close her eyes without seeing Techno's headless body. Each night a constant reminder of his death.

Taking off her covers, she got out of her bed, moving to sit on the edge. Looking at the time, she ran a hand through her hair, taking notice of how oily it was, her fingers catching a knot. Niki just let out a tired sigh. There hasn't been much time to do anything.

Between preparing for Techno's funeral and making sure Philza was still alive, she hardly had a moment to breath, much less take care of herself. Uneven nails, unkempt hair.

Niki let out a bitter laugh. This entire time though, she hasn't cried once. During the L'manburg war, there were time when she would cry herself to sleep. When Wilbur died, she mourned him for days, even after everything he did. But now, when someone who has been nothing but good to her died, not a single tear fell. It scared her.

Ranboo was holding himself together better, but honestly that was probably due to Tubbo being there for him. She almost felt envious of him, for having someone there to support him. Those feelings died soon enough though, after remembering how badly Ranboo took Techno's death.

She turned toward her desk, pushed up against a corner. On it was her Syndicate uniform, freshly ironed, her cape hanging on the chair.

-
Empty towers stand tall in snow, yet still I climb.
-

Niki was trying her best. She really was. Unfortunately she wasn't the best at sewing. She just let out an annoyed groan as her stich kept falling apart.

"How are you so bad at this?" Eret asked amused, looking up from the coat he was making.

She and Eret had volunteered to make the L'manburg uniforms, Niki underestimating how hard sewing actually is.

"How are you so good!?" She exclaimed. "What's your secret, oh great sewing wizard?"

He only laughted, almost bright enough to make her forget why they were making these uniforms in the first place.

"Technique." He answered simply. "Here, come closer. I'll show you."

Niki scooted closer, trying her best to copy Eret. Eventually, with time, she did get better. Good enough to make other uniforms.

-
Each step, like a toy upon a shelf, I am freezing.
-

Letting herself fall back, she reached out for her covers, curling into herself. Niki closed her eyes, hoping for at least a few hours of sleep before tomorrow.

Tomorrow was funeral. Tomorrow, they were finally laying Techno to rest.

It was almost comical how long it took. Out of responsibility or guilt, Philza cremated him immediately after bringing the body back. They had spent a few weeks, non-stop, trying to find a good enough poppy field to bury him in. Ranboo managed to get Foolish to make them a statue, which took 3 months to complete. As terrible as it made her seem, she was relieved to finally get this over with.

The only thing Niki felt anxious about were the guest. Tommy and Wilbur were coming too.

She already moved on from Tommy, had realized that he wasn't to blame for anything. He was just a boy forced to grow up too much too fast, forced to be a child soilder who never received the chance to enjoy his own life.

It was Wilbur who she hasn't forgotten. His very existence embodied her past, her hatred, and her own failures. But unlike like last time, Niki wasn't the foolish girl she used to be, easy to use and then forget about. This time, she was someone who wouldn't hesitate to fight back.

The moment Wilbur made a mistake, she would be the first to strike. One hit was all she needed.

-
When you rip the stuffing out of me,
-

"Wilbur, this is also my home." She said, grabbing tightly onto Wilbur's wrist. "I can fight, so why won't you let me!"

"Niki, war isn't just fighting in the front lines." Wilbur explained, shaking off Niki's grip. "You're better off here with the supplies."

"Then why are Tommy and Tubbo fighting!" Niki pointed out harshly. "They're what, 14 at best?"

"Niki, please listen-"

"I can fight. I can do better if you just give me the chance."

"Nihachu!" Wilbur screamed, shocking her into silence.

"I'm your commander, may I remind you. My decision is final." He said, an expression she was not used to seeing on his face. "You will be in charge of the supplies at the backlines."

"Goodnight Niki."

Like that, Wilbur left her alone, clenched fists at her sides, tears threatening to fall. It wasn't the first time she felt so small and pathetic, it wouldn't be the last time either.

-
And try to sew me shut,
-

Niki woke up to the ringing of her alarm clock. Today was Techno's funeral.

She let her alarm go off for a few minutes, too tired to move. By the time she finally got up to turn it off, 10 minutes had already passed. Dragging herself to the bathroom, she made sure to ignore the mirrors.

A cold shower later, she stood in front of her vanity, gathering the willpower to look up.

In front of her was a withered woman. Dirty blue eyes too old for her rather young face, a scar on her eyebrow and constant bags under her eyes. Her bright pink hair was fading too, going back to the pale blonde it used to be.

Ever since Doomsday, looking at her own reflection was a struggle. It was hard to see herself and not feel out of touch, alien underneath her own skin. Sometimes, she couldn't even recognize herself.

Niki was getting better, was finally making some progress after joining the Syndicate. Till it all came crashing down along with Techno's head.

Letting out a tired sigh, Niki started doing two buns with her hair, braids wrapped around them just like Techno taught her. Soon after, came her uniform, carefully fitted.

Taking one last look at herself, a small box caught her. It was made from simple oak, her name messily carved on the lid. Picking it up, Niki brushed her name with her finger. Inside, there was a pair of pale yellow ribbons. She hasn't worn them in a while.

Deciding to put them on, she tied them around her buns, making them into little bows at the bottom. It almost made her reflection look like her.

-
But the wound is not healing, it never will.
-

"What's this?" She asked, brushing her name carved on the lid of a box with a finger. It was rare for her to receive anything.

"It's something nice I thought you would like!" Tubbo answered, practicality bouncing in excitement.

Carefully removing the lid, inside she saw two simple ribbons, colored a pale yellow.

"When I was patrolling near the walls, I saw a traveling merchant!" He started explaining, his hands waving in the air as he told his little story.

"He had nicer things but this was the most I could buy." Tubbo confessed hesitantly, looking down in slight embarrassment.

Niki placed the lid back on. Once her hand was free, she pulled in Tubbo for a hug, ruffling his hair.

"Thank you Tubbo." Niki whispered as Tubbo hugged her back. "I'll make sure to wear them well."

She ended up wearing them till they finally got their independence. Only to store them away when Schaltt became president.

-
And the walls get stained with nicotine
-

Stepping out of her base, she flinched at how bright the sun was. It was still morning, the sun making its way up in the sky.

As she walked towards the master Nether portal, Niki did her best to avoid the remains of L'manburg. A creater where her home once stood.

Once in the Neather, she made her way to Techno's portal, almost like second nature. The entire trip was spent trying to gather the strength to hold herself back from punching Wilbur the moment she saw him. The trip to the cabin was held in a similar fashion.

Finally going through the small mountain near the cabin, Niki saw that Ranboo was already there, Tubbo with him as well. Tommy and Wilbur were missing.

"Niki, hi!" Tubbo immediately called out, waving at her as she came to stop in front of them. "You came just in time!"

"Hello to you too Tubbo." Niki greeted back with a tired smile, looking away to see Ranboo next to him. "Where's Tommy?"

"He decided not to come." Tubbo explained. "He didn't feel ready."

Niki nodded, feeling a bit of relief. She moved on but that didn't mean she wanted to deal with it.

"What's going on?" She asked, moving on from Tommy, confident that the noises coming from Philza's cabin were people arguing.

"Wilbur and Philza are at it again." Ranboo answered awkwardly, flinching as a crash  came from inside.

"Yeah, it's safe to say that Wilbur isn't coming." Tubbo joked, rubbing Ranboo's back to calm him.

"Good riddance."

"Oh my god, Niki!" Ranboo choked out. "You can't say that."

"Come on, literally nobody wants him here." Niki responded. "Especially with his track record."

"That's true, he is a bit trigger happy." Tubbo agreed, nodding his head thoughtfully with his arms crossed. "Not really the type of person you invite to a funeral."

That made Ranboo laugh a little, almost sounding like Techno.

Ever since Philza took him in, he's been standing straighter, held his head higher. The same could be said about her. It's was funny how much of Techno's mannerism they copied.

-
I miss when they were white.
-

Niki was just swinging her axe mindlessly, letting the motions calm her anxiety.

"What are you worried about?" Ranboo called out to her, sitting on the other side of the training field sharpening his sword.

"I'm not worried." Niki lied, her swings coming to a stop. "Why are you asking?"

"Techno does the same thing when he's anxious." Ranboo admitted. The field became silent for a moment.

"Now that I think about it, you act like him sometimes." Ranboo continued. "Even your fighting styles are similar."

"I'm kinda jealous."

"You, jealous of me!?" She asked, surprised by Ranboo's confession. Out of the two of them, Ranboo was more experienced, was the better fighter.

"Out of the two of us, you have the best chance surpassing Techno." Ranboo admitted, looking at his refection on his sword. "You have yet to reach your limit."

A feeling a warm feeling of pride flowed inside of her. Niki had never been the one with the most potential, never been told that she had any to begin with. Now, she was someone worth being jealous of.

"You haven't reached your limit either." She said walking to Ranboo, patting him on the shoulder. "One day we'll both surpass him."

-
When I come back to, I am lost,
-

After a few more yells from inside, Philza's cabin door opened and slammed shut. Walking down the stairs was Philza himself. While he looked more put together than he had these past few months, his eye bags were still prominent, his face pulled into a tired expression.

In his arms was a plain porcelain urn. White with dark blue rims. Inside it were Techno's ashes.

"Let's go." He said, holding tightly onto the urn.

Following after him, Nikki was the first to move, Ranboo and Tubbo following her lead. As they trekked through the snow they remained quite, a thin layer of melancholy blanketing them.

Looking up to Philza's back, Niki noticed that this was the smallest she has seen him. Not when they had to rip Techno's head from his hands, not when they cremated him in two pieces, but now, when they were going to let him go.

"After we're done, what's next?" Tubbo asked hoping to spark a conversation in their dreary funeral march.

At first nobody answered, Philza marching without looking back, Ranboo too nerveous to break the silence. After a few minutes she chose answered.

"We'll go through the will."

"He left one!?"

Philza ahead of them flinched, everybody else pretending not to have noticed. As silence starred to fill their space again, Philza spoke

"Always liked to be prepared," Philza said, still refusing to stop. "Even in death it seems."

They had found it by accident as they dusted his room, a week after he died. It was under his bed, inside a red box along with a few other papers.

Nobody had expected him to have written one. Not even Philza, who knew him the best.

They all decided to hold back on reading it, deciding to finish his funeral first. They would bury his ashes as they planned and then finally go over it.

-
Scared, because it is dark.
-

Walking towards Carl's table carrying a bundle of hay, Niki glanced at Phil who wasn't worried about Techno's disappearance.

"How long have you known Techno?" Niki asked, petting Carl as she gave him the hay. Turning to look at Phil who was feeding the fish in the pond, she waited for an answer.

"That's hard to say, mate." He said, standing up, stretching his back. "I first met him when he was about 13 decades ago."

"Why?"

"Just wondering," Niki answered. "You aren't very worried about Techno being missing."

"Nah, he does that sometimes." Phil reassured. "Always comes back after a month at most."

Philza dusted some snow from the porch stairs, sitting on the spot he just cleared out. Niki followed his lead, sitting next to him.

"You two are really close." She said, leaning back with her arms behind her for support. "When I first met Technoblade in the Ravine, he was so intimidating!"

"Yeah, most people tend to think so too." Phil laughted. "He's really just a big softy."

"You should of seen him when Wilbur and Tommy were born, nearly had a heart attack when I made him hold them!" Phil recounted excitedly, his arms moving along with his story.

"Oh, I can imagine." Niki snickered, already picturing a flustered Techno holding a baby Tommy.

"At times I think he's more human than I am." Philza admitted, looking up to the sky. "It's just takes getting to know him to see that."

Niki hummed in agreement, looking up to see crows flying above them.

-
I try to howl, gurgle instead,
-

They finally stopped, a poppy field staying in front of them. It was rather small, surrounded by trees at all sides. Yet it was the nicest one they could find, close enough the cabin to visit if they wanted.

Amongst a sea of red poppies, white stood out. It was the marble statue Foolish made for them, placed in the middle of the field, facing where the sun rose each morning.

It depicted Techno, not warrior who held the title of 'Blood God', not 'The Blade' who was just a living weapon. It was Techno, the person. It had it's hair loose, wearing a simple poet's shirt and high-waisted pants rolled to his knees with a book in his hands. Yet what was so striking about the statue was it's face.

It was exactly like Techno's, with a pair of glasses perched on his nose. The only difference was the expression. It was smiling, it's eyes squinted close. The same smile Niki had seen a handful of occasions before. Once when they were in Pogtopia, aimed at Tommy and Tubbo as he ruffled their hair. The other at her and Ranboo when they finally manged to win a duel against him.

Walking through the poppies, She ran her fingers through them, plucking out just one. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Ranboo pulling out his shovel from inventory. Deciding to do the same, Niki stuck the poppy in her ear, using her now free hand to pull out her own shovel.

Stopping in front of the statue, Philza moved to the side, letting her and Ranboo pass in front of him.

Niki was the first to stab her shovel into the dirt, pulling out a chunk of poppies with it. Ranboo soon joined her, taking turns in shoveling the dirt out.

Shoveling came easily to her, having spent months digging trenches during the L'manburg war. It was almost sickening how good she was at it, giving her a bitter feeling.

-
And then I start to weep,
-

Her hands were sore, callouses forming in her palms. Stabbing her shovel in the ground, Niki wiped the sweat off her forehead. That's when she heard a loud crash.

Turning to look to where the sound came from, she saw a shovel thrown on the ground.

"Fundy, you shouldn't throw tools like that," She said, moving to face Fundy who was laying on the floor. "They could break faster."

"I don't want to do this any more." Fundy whined "I'm tired and it's not fun!"

"Come on Fundy, just a little bit more and we'll be done." Niki tried to get him back to work.

"I'm not digging!" Fundy exclaimed, crossing his arm over his chest. "Your not my dad!"

"Fundy, I can't just-"

Niki was about to snap. She was tired from digging too, had missed lunch for these damn trenches. Most of all she was sick of this, sick of war, sick of fighting. But all of that disappeared when she realized that Fundy was too.

Fundy who already lost his mother and was in the process of losing his father. Fundy who was just a little boy, much younger than she was, already trying his hardest to survive. Fundy who's entire life was war, had grown up living in it.

Letting out a tired sigh, she walked over to Fundy and laid down next to him, tucking her arms under her head to look at the sky. They laid together in silence for a while.

"If you can find me an apple I'll do your part."

Sitting up, Fundy turned to look at his surprise.

"You mean it?" Fundy asked excited. "You won't take it back?"

"Pinky promise." She answered, siting up to pull out her pink. Wrapping their pinky together, they shook on it.

"Don't worry Niki, I'll find you the biggest apple I can find!"

"I'm sure you will." She said standing up, ruffling his hair.

With that Fundy ran out of the trenches, leaving Niki behind to finish. Some time later, he came back, carrying more than just an apple with him. He had brought her a cookie as well.

-
And my tears all freeze like little pearls.
-

Philza placed the urn carefully, nestled it in the poppies they laid on the floor of the hole they dug. Throwing in a few more poppies, they finally buried it, carefully laying the dirt.

After patting the dirt flat, they stood in silence for a while, whispering their last goodbyes to the small summer breeze. Looking up, Niki noticed the clear blue sky.

It was such a perfect day. Not a single cloud in sight. Not too hot nor too cold. She almost laughted at how nice the day was. How lucky of them.

"Let's go back." Philza decided, his back already turned away from the grave. Taking one last look, she too turned away, following Philza's lead.

The trip back was quiet, nobody daring to say anything as small forest turned back to icy tundra. This time, she ended up in the back with a small feeling of dread setting in her stomach. Almost like she was forgetting something.

Walking it off, she ignored it, focusing on not tripping amongst the snow.

Philza cabin couldn't have appeared sooner, finally giving her a decent distraction from the sense of foreboding slowly crawling out of her.

Climbing up the stairs of the porch, they made their way inside the cabin, Ranboo holding and shutting the door close behind them.

Philza's cabin had always been crowded since the beginning, walls full of chest neatly organized, items on top of items in hazardous stacks. It was what made Philza's home comforting. Now it was a mess.

The low hanging lanterns had been ripped off. Niki remembers trying to stop Philza from pulling on them a week after Techno's death. She didn't succeed. Some chest were missing, broken after Philza used them to let out his frustrations. She was the one who found them thrown in the snow outside. At least it was clean.

"Here's his will." Philza said, getting her attention as he pulled out a box from his enderchest.

Opening it, he pulled the papers out, getting ready to read them. Techno's last words.

-
When I look for them again, those girls,
-

It was late at night when she heard someone crying, sniffling quietly by her side.

Opening her eyes, she turned to her left, locking eyes with Jack who had tears streaking down the side of his face.

"Why are you crying?" She asked making sure to whisper.

"Oh, did I wake you up?" Jack deflected, looking at her in surprise as he rubbed the tears off his eyes with his sleeves quickly. "It's nothing, really."

"I already heard you."

Jack looked away, turning on his back as he laid an arm over his eyes. A moment of silence passed, Jack letting out a tired sigh.

"When I die, will anyone remember me?" He asked, his voice wavering. "If tomorrow I step out into the battlefield and die, would anyone care?"

Jack was crying again.

"I don't have anyone here, even though I left everything behind for this place." He continued, whispering his fears to her in the dark.

"I'm scared Niki."

Reaching out of her thin blanket, she grabbed Jack's hand and held it tightly.

"You won't die." Niki reassured him, her own voice shaking. "We're going to survive this and we'll finally get to sleep on real beds and eat real food."

Niki felt tears pooling in the corner of her eyes. Closing her eyes shut, she squeezed Jack's hand harder.

"And I'll open up my own bakery and you'll come and visit me and-" She was crying now.

"And I'll remember you. I'll always remember you." Niki promised.

"I'll remember you too." Jack whispered, squeezing her hand too.

That night they held each other's hand, their only comfort in the dark.

- 
They have turned into wolves, I remember my axe,
-

"In the event of my untimely death, accidental, planned, or natural, whatever is dictated in my will must be followed, no matter the current circumstance." Philza began, reading the will out loud.

"I, Technoblade, have already planned for the division and distribution of my assets and properties amongst those close to me. All decisions are final."

Niki lost focus, drowning all noice. She glanced at Wilbur's portrait, burning holes into it. It was taken before L'manburg, before coming to Dream SMP.

A younger Wilbur was smiling gently with a kid Tommy laughing next to him. They seemed to be in a beach, ocean behind them as the sun started to set. It made her remember Wilbur from before the war.

"To Nikachu," Phil continued to read, breaking out of her inner monologue when she heard her name.

"I give her custody of Edd the polar bear, Carl the horse, half of my hound army, a set of fully enchanted netherite armor, a sixth of my wealth, a stack of wither skulls, one God apple, and two totems of undying." Phil listed as Niki held her breath, the feeling of dread coming back.

"Most importantly, I would like to pass on my title of Blood God as well as my personal axe if she is willing to accept them."

Niki couldn't breath. He left her an axe. His axe and his title.

"I pray that you may achive your full potential."

As Philza finished, Niki couldn't think, couldn't understand what she just heard. The numbness that had covered her, had stopped her from falling apart, was starting to go away.

"You can start taking the things Techno left for you." Said Philza, putting back the papers carefully back in the box. "In a week I'll give ya'll your inheritance once I find all of Techno's money stashes."

Niki watched as Philza gave Ranboo a sword and an axe for her. Holding it in her hands made her feel worse.

She needed to leave, couldn't breath surrounded by walls.

-
And they look me in my eyes, glimmering.
-

"I'm a big man! I don't need any help." Tommy complained, wiggling around as Niki cleaned his wound.

"Tommy, you have to be more careful next time." Niki warned, Tommy flinching as she used alcohol. "You could of gotten really hurt."

"No I wouldn't!" He denied shaking his head. "The Blade used to train me. Dream is nothing compared to him!"

"Who?"

"You know, Technoblade! Legendary fighter in all of Hypixel."

"The Blade?" She asked carefully, already amused by Tommy's new made up story.

"He's dad's friend." Tommy started to describe excitedly. "He's super strong and very tall. He even his own cool title like 'The Blood God'."

"I'm sure he does." She answered, a small smile forming. No way Tommy knew someone like that.

"You don't belive me!"

"Maybe a little bit?"

"He's real, I'm not making him up!" Tommy declared. "Just you wait, one day I'll defeat him and take his title!"

"I'll be the Blood God!" Tommy cackled as Niki finished bandaging him.

Patting him on the back, she turned to put back everything in its place, thinking about the supposed 'Blade', quietly laughing to herself.

-
So spit on me, again, I say.
-

She ran out the door, not bothering to close it. Once outside she jumped off the porch stairs, nearly tripped as she landed.

Looking at Carl, she got him out of his stable, getting on and ignoring the calls of her name.

As she rode past the mountains, she finally felt able to breath, the cold northern air blowing into her face. She didn't know where they were going as the land around them started to change, Carl running free and Niki letting him.

They were now in a Plains biome in the middle of nowhere, reaching far beyond the horizon. Finally decided to get stop, she pulled Carl's reins.

She waited a while before she got off the saddle. Petting Carl, Niki took a few shaky steps forward. Pulling out the axe, she took one good look at it.

It was made for battle, a single curved netherite blade on one side with a long and thick dark oak handle, shinning brightly with enchantments. Yet what made it Techno's axe was it's elegant design, full of little intricate carvings. Like all of his other weapons, the axe was just as beautifully made.

Niki could tell it was the same axe Ranboo gifted him, redesigned and tailored to fit in better with his aesthetics. In the part of handle where Ranboo had carved Techno's name, all wobbly and in capitals, was left untouched.

She laughted at Techno's sentimental actions, looking at her reflection on the blade.

Suddenly a droplet of water hit the blade. Looking up in confusion, Niki didn't see a single cloud in the sky, still a light blue. Looking back down, more water droplets landed on it. Slowly reaching to touch her cheek with a single hand, she finally realized what it was. She was crying.

Suddenly tears started to flow out as she tried to rub them off. Sobs formed in her throat, falling to her knees as she finally cried for the first time after Techno's death. The cold numbness disappearing completely.

Here, surrounded by tall grass and a single horse, Niki mourned the death of the first person to see potential in her, one of the few people who recognized and acknowledged her strength. She finally cried, clutching onto an axe tightly, the poppy in her hair falling to the ground.

-
I dare you, this time, 
-

Niki fell on the training floor, sore and out of breath. Turning over to her back, she let out a pained groan.

"Tired?" She heard Techno ask amused from the other side of the field.

"Just a little." She wheezed out. "A tiny bit."

She heard Techno walk to her, his shadow now covering her face. Sitting up, she looked at the diamond axe in his arm.

"What's that for?"

"It's going to be your main weapon till you get a netherite one." Techno explained, making it sound like it was common sense.

"Why?" She asked, confused as she looked at it, already gleaming with  enchantments.

"It would take too long for you to learn how to wield a sword properly."

Niki felt something inside of her start to break a little as Techno handed it to her. Clutching tightly onto the axe's handle, she hesitantly looked down.

"What about Ranboo?"

"Ranboo's experienced, used to fight in Hypixel. He just needs help correcting and refining his style." He answered, not noticing Niki's dispirited expression.

"And unlike you, he stands on the weaker side of the spectrum when it comes to physical strength."

Quickly looking up, she gasped in surprise, her disappointed being replaced with shock.

"He's weaker than me!" Niki exclaimed.

"You hit harder than you think." He said, a small smile on his lips.

"An axe is practical, easier to master, easier to use compared to a sword." Techno described, his arms moving as if he held one in his hands. "As long as you have the strength, you can oneshot your opponents right from the beginning."

Niki was mesmerized, a sudden energy busting inside of her. Looking down at the blade, she saw her reflection and hesitated.

"You have the potential."

Lifting her head, she saw Techno looking at her, his eyes holding nothing but understanding. 

"You think so?" She whispered, hope burning inside of her.

"If I say so, nobody can say otherwise."

The rest of that day was spent going over the basics and fundamentals under Techno's careful teachings. That same night, Niki felt the most accomplished she had ever been.

-
I am not afraid to bite.
-

A week had passed after Techno's funeral, Philza sending them a message by crow to finally finish  taking the things Techno left them.

By the time she leashed Carl to the stable Ranboo was already leaving. Nodding towards each other, Niki braced herself as she entered Techno's cabin.

Inside, everything seemed to have frozen in place. Everything exactly how Techno lefted it, not a single speck of dust in sight. It felt timeless. The only thing that stood out were some chest near the doorway. One of them had her name.

Turning to look at the fireplace, Philza rocked back and forth on Techno's chair, the same one they got him as a joke. It had quickly becomed his favorite.

"Philza." She called out, pulling him out of his own head.

"Your part of the inheritance is in the chest." He replied flatly, refusing to turn and look at her.

Turning to the chest, Niki nervously emptied it, placing everything without much thought in her ender chest.

As she was about to leave, her hand hesitated as she gripped the door knob. Taking one last look at Philza, Niki let out a tired sigh.

"You could stay with me if you want." She offered, leaning her head on the door, holding her breath as she waited for his response.

"I thought you hated me." Philza confessed pitifully. "You went back to calling me Philza."

Turning back, she noticed that Philza was finally looking at her. He still looked terrible.

"I don't." She answered simply. "I just miss him too."

They stood in silence for a few minutes, neither moving. The outside getting darker as the sun started to set. Philza was the first to break the stand-off, looking toward the window.

"I'll go." Philza accepted. "Just not yet."

Niki nodded, turning back to the door and leaving. Untying Carl, she got on and rode off. This time refusing to look back.

As they traveled home, she looked at the setting sky, a mixture of pinks and purples. Stretching her hand out to it, she made a fist.

"I am Nihachu Richter!" She screamed at the top of her lungs, nobody around around to bear witness to her declaration.

"The Blood God herself!"

-
They do not come back for me.
-

Chapter Text

-
Trying to remember is...  
-

Ranboo was standing in front of a spruce door. Phil's cabin door to be exact. Coincidently, it was also his turn to check in on him.

After the incident, he and Niki took turns making sure Philza didn't get himself killed. It was time consuming having to visit everyday, but it was the least they could do for their fellow Syndicate member, especially since he took Techno's death the hardest.

Taking a deep breath, only to end up sneezing from cold the air, he readied himself for whatever laid ahead. Wrapping his hand on the door knob, he opened the door while saying a little prayer to the End , hoping that there wouldn't be a dead Phil waiting for him.

Stepping in, Ranboo took off his winter coat, hanging it on the broken coat rack near the enrance as he looked over the place, trying to get used to the darkness of the cabin. Everything seemed to be normal, nothing broken to bits on the floor, the chests somewhat in their places. He walked in deeper into the living room, seeing Philza sitting near the small fireplace, the quilt Techno made for him over his lap. A sight him and Niki had eventually gotten used to.

The quilt was a grayish green color, depicting a flock of crows flying upwards into the sky with coffee brown tree branches shaped into a border. What always capture his eye though, was a single poppy in the beak of the only crow not in flight, sitting on a branch as his flock flew behind him. It was the spot that Phil stared at mindlessly, running his fingers along the stiching.

"Hello Phil, how are you?" He asked gently, tapping him on the shoulder to break Phil from his daze.

"Nothing much." Phil answered after a few seconds, looking up at Ranboo with an empty expression. "Just thinking."

"Did you sleep last night?" Ranboo asked carefully, already knowing from the prominent dark circles under his eyes.

"I think the answer to that is obvious mate."

Ranboo hummed in agreement, looking away nervously. He stood awkwardly in silence trying to think on what to say next.

"You should take a nap." He said, hoping that Phil would agree.

"What's the rush?" Phil joked a bit, a small smile on his face that didn't seem quite right.

"It's currently 3 Phil."

"Oh."

Phil went back to looking at the quilt, almost remorseful in a way. Leaning his head back on his chair, he let out a tired sigh.

"Yeah, I'll do that."

"Want me to help you to your room?" He offered, his hand already outstretched towards Phil.

"Sure."

Ranboo pulled him up and lead him gently to the stairs. After Phil climbed up, he stood in front of them, straining his ears to listen for any bed creeks. A habit him and Niki formed to make sure Phil actually got in bed after a few repeated accidents.

He waited for a few more minutes, finally moving from his spot after hearing Phil lay down, going back to stading directly in front of the chair Phil sat on.

He was starting to hate the quilt bit by bit each time he visited. As much as it comforted Phil, he spent hours looking at it, unresponsive when he had it. Enough to seem dead sometimes.

Shaking his head, he picked the quilt with careful hands and started to fold it, carefully placing it back on the seat for later.

-
Trying to remember is,
-

"Let go! Phil let go!" Ranboo was practically screaming, trying to pull Phil back as Niki tried to pry his hands off the thing he was holding.

"Techno, Techno, I'm sorry." Phil just continue to cry, hysterical and unrecognizable, refusing to let go of the head held tightly to his chest. "Wake up Techno, please!"

"Fucking hell!" Niki cursed out, making Ranboo flinch, the dread of knowing that it was Techno's head creeping in on him. The tears in his eyes were threatening to burn him. "Philza, he's dead, he's fucking dead!"

"Let go!"

Niki was screaming, couldn't tell at who, for him to pull harder or for Phil to let go. Phil was crying, holding the head tighter as he curled into himself with it. And he, he couldn't even think, couldn't even process what was happening around him, all the noise drowning out his thoughts. Breathing was becoming harder the more he tried to focus.

In just a few seconds, his arm moved by itself, fuelled by pure instinct. Ranboo watched in slow motion, horrified as his fist collided against the side of Phil's head, knocking him down.

It was finally quiet.

"You knocked him out." Niki whispered without much emotion, looking down at the unconscious body of Phil. Her face showed relief.

"I-I didn't mean to!" Ranboo panicked, backing away a few steps, almost tripping as his hands ran through his hair. "He wasn't letting go!"

"Ranboo, Ranboo, calm down." She called out to him gently. "It's okay."

"I didn't want to hurt him!"

"I know, I know."

"He was just so damn loud!"

"It's okay. You did a good thing."

Ranboo tried to believe her words, tried to ignore the headless body near to him. Closing his eyes, he tried his breathing exercises, his hands clutching the edges of his suit.

"Are you calm now?" Niki asked him softly, Ranboo opening his eyes to nod slowly.

"Good, you'll carry Phil. I'll take care of Techno."

He was thankful, relived that he wouldn't have to choose. Scooping up Philza and placing him on his back, he quickly turned away to avoid seeing of what was supposed to be Techno. Tapping his foot nerveously, he felt tears burning down his cheeks. He didn't want to see him, see his head and body and have to acknowledge the fact that Techno was dead, actually dead.

From the corner of his eye, he saw Niki tie a familiar cape, rolled up onto Carl's saddle. At the end of the cape, a pair of boots sticked out. It made him sick.

"Let's go."

Ranboo followed after Niki, focusing red and green eyes on pink hair, trying to blur out everything else. As he walked behind her, he tried his hardest not to fall apart, careful with each step he took.

Right now he needed to get Techno and Phil back home. Only then could he let out the screams building up inside of him.

-
Running face first into a brick wall,
-

Lifting up the lid of the pot, Ranboo stabbed a potatoe bit floating around with a fork, trying to feel if it was tender yet. Seeing it slide off easily, he placed the lid on the counter, lowering the fire in the furnace.

Ranboo was finally done with the stew, having spent most of the afternoon attempting to make it exactly how Techno did. Patting himself on the back after a quick taste test, almost burning his tongue in the process, he started to look for some bowls and spoons. Today he was going to eat dinner with Phil.

Finally finding the bowls and spoons inside a chest near the back door, grabbing two of each, he placed them on the counter to start filling them up. As he finished with the second bowl, a knock came from the other side of the front door.

Putting the bowl down, Ranboo turned to look on the main entrance, waiting to see if he'd imagined it. Another knock.

Striding to the door, he tried to think of anyone that it could be. He unlocked it and opened it wide to see Wilbur standing in front of him.

"Well if it isn't memory boy!" Wilbur immediately teased, grinning wide. "How are you, Ranboo."

"I'm... well." He answered awkwardly, trying to avoid Wilbur's piercing stare.

"That's great man, that's great!"

"Yeah..."

"Is dad home?" Wilbur continued, making small talk as he stepped inside, throwing his coat on top of a chest. Ranboo closed the door, eyeing him nervously as he sat on Phil's chair.

"Should be soon." He answered hesitantly, looking away when Wilbur caught him looking. "Decided to take a walk before dinner."

"So that's why it smells so good in here! What's cooking?"

"Just some stew."

"It's Techno's recipe, isn't it?" Wilbur stated knowingly, giving him a wide smile with too much teeth. "You learned it from him, how cute!"

Ranboo was unnerved by Wilbur's exaggerated expression and wide eyes. He didn't have a good impression of revived Wilbur for a reason, it was easy to remember why.

"Ah, if only someone told me when I was younger that the more I acted like Techno, the more my own dad would like me." Wilbur said almost wistfully, a vicious look on his face. "At least one of us figured it out."

"I'm not Techno." Ranboo defended, trying to stand straighter, using his height to look down at him in an attempt to make him back off.

"Ha ha, of course not!" Wilbur continued teasing. "You're just a poor imitation."

"What did everyone used to call you?" He asked, not the least bit bothered by Ranboo's attemp of intimidation, snapping his fingers as he tried to remember. "That's it, Walmart Technoblade!"

Ranboo really didn't have anything good to say about the Wilbur sitting in front of him. He could only clench his fist at his sides.

"Wilbur, that's enough."

Turning to look at the direction of the kitchen, Phil stood there coldly, with the back door wide open behind him as looked directly at Wilbur.

"Ranboo, you can leave." Phil said to him. He just nodded and left, not bothering to put on his coat first before he stepped out.

Stading on the porch, he made his way down ignoring the yelling coming from inside. As he started walking back home, he tried forget Wilbur's words, making an attempt to arrive before it went completely dark. He wasn't Techno.

It was only until he stood in front of his door that he realized he didn't get to eat dinner.

-
That you used to know was there.
-

The mirror was in pieces in front of him, Ranboo cradling his fist, bloody from punching it.

Picking out a large shard from the sink, he held his breath and brought  it near his neck, his other hand pulling his hair away from his head.

Ever since he met Techno, he stopped cutting his hair, getting used to the comforting weight on his head. Ranboo liked it, could understand why Techno liked it too.

Phil had even spend days teaching him how to make small braids when his hair got long enough, making him one at the side of his head, just like his and Techno's. He remembered Techno ruffling his hair with a smile when he noticed.

Even if his hair only went past his ears, barely reaching his shoulders, it always made him proud to have it. It was proof that he belonged.

Now, all he wanted was to cut it. Didn't want to see it and see Techno instead of himself.

Squeezing his eyes shut, with a quick motion, Ranboo sliced a chunk off, black strands falling down to the sink and floor while he held the rest in his fist. It was almost nauseous how much he cut off.

As he looked down, he felt his eyes burn as they start to water, a feeling of guilt rising up his throat. Quickly rubbing his eyes with the collar of his shirt, Ranboo refused to cry. Not for cutting his stupid hair, not for the sense of regret that came with it.

"Ranboo, are you alright in there?" Tubbo asked from the other side of the bathroom door, worried by the sound of his voice.

"No." He answered honestly as he looked at his distorted reflection, too drained to bother lying.

"Can I come in then?"

"Yeah."

Ranboo looked down when he heard the door open and close behind him, didn't want Tubbo to see him like this, surrounded by mirror shards, hair strands, and blood.

Tubbo only wrapped his arms around his waist, burying his face in his back.

"I see you got a new haircut Boo." He teased gently, his weight on him grounding. "You should of told me, I'm pretty good with scissors you know."

"I didn't want to look like him, didn't want to see him" He whispered, confessing as his hands started to shake. Tubbo hummed behind him, holding him a bit tighter.

"It gets easier with time, promise," He comforted him, sounding almost knowing. "One day you'll be able to look in the mirror without having to see them anymore."

Ranboo just turned around to wrap his arms around Tubbo, burying his face in his hair.

"Can you cut my hair?"

"You're the boss."

That night Ranboo had his hand treated and his hair cut by Tubbo. The only thing that remained from his once long hair was a single braid at the side of his head.

Looking at his reflection, Ranboo felt a little bit better, a little bit lighter.

-
Didn't you?
-

"Check it out big man, our very own bench in Snowchester!" Tommy excitedly showed it off, proud of his latest creation.

"Is, is it safe?" He asked, noticing the odd tilt it had, the ends of nails poking out the wood.

"Totally since I'm the one who made it." Tommy declared as he nodded his head. "Come on, let's take a seat!"

"I really don't want to."

"Come on Ranboo, stop being such a pussy."

Groaning, Ranboo followed his lead, taking a seat on the most stable looking part of the bench. Tommy on the other hand just fell on it hard, making the bench shake in a not so comforting way.

"Holy End, don't do that!"

"Nope, matter of fact, I'll do it again." And that he did, making the bench creak underneath them.

"Tommy, stop!"

"Fine, but only because we're such good pals."

Letting out a sigh of relief, Ranboo tried to relax in the bench, still nerveously waiting for it to break from under them. Noticing the silence he turned to look at Tommy who seemed deep in thought.

"This takes me back..." He said distantly, his shoulders slumping down as he leaned back. "Remember when we sat for the first time on a bench together?"

"Yeah, the sun was setting." Ranboo  answered him softly. "It was after the trial."

"You were the only person on my side."

He turned to look at Tommy, eyes lingering on streaks of white amongst dirty blonde. It was only a year ago yet it felt like a life time. Turning back, Ranboo leaned back on the bench as well, tensing for a moment when it creaked behind him.

"I still am."

Ranboo felt Tommy look at him but he didn't turn to face him. They sat together in peaceful silence, a rare thing to have with Tommy.

"I wish I fought less with Techno."

He flinched at Tommy's sudden confession, not expecting him to say anything about Techno. When he delivered the news, Tommy had refuses to believe him, constantly repeating that "Technoblade never dies". He stayed in denial till he visited Philza one day. After he came out of the cabin, he never spoke of Techno again.

"You didn't always fight him." Ranboo tried to comfort him, unsure on what to do. "Remember when we you two attacked me with a Llama?"

"Ohhhh, Clarencio!" Tommy cheered. "Can't believe you lost a cannon life to a llama."

"I didn't lose one, I still have all three!"

"Nope, can't fool me." Tommy continued, shaking his head no while trying not to laugh. "I don't make rules Ranboo."

"Oh Eternal End, please give me strength." Ranboo prayed, Tommy laughing as he did.

They laughted together for a bit, just the two of them on a bench, continuing to tell old stories. They finally had a chance to truly talk with each.

"Remember that time we went tree hunting with Techno?"

"Yeah, said that the worst word he knew was cacti." Tommy laughted out. "What the fuck?"

"Tommy, that was a trap question."

"Nah, he's just being a pussy!"

Ranboo groaned as Tommy crackled. Leaning his head back, he looked at the sky that was starting to darken above them. Ranboo could almost see the moon.

"How did the moon poem go?" He asked Tommy, trying to remember the exact wording.

"What poem?"

"The one Techno told us when we came back from the Nether." Ranboo answered, turning his head to look at Tommy. "We were all sitting in a bench together."

"What? Techno never did that!" Tommy told him, squinting his eyes at him. "You sure you ain't making that up?"

"Tommy I was there."

"So was I and that never happened."

He looked over Tommy's face and saw that he really wasn't lying, Techno never did tell them that poem. Running a hand through his hair, Ranboo tried to think why he remembered that.

"Your memories are all jumbled up in there." Tommy joked, patting him on the shoulder. "Couldn't be me, I always remember everything."

"Jeez, you really are the epitome of humanity."

"I don't know what any of those big word mean, but I'll take it as a compliment!"

Ranboo laughted, distracting him from the fact that his memories were starting to fail him.

-
Trying to remember is,
-

His hands were shaking, making his hand writing messier than it normally was. Clutching a quill and journal tightly, he wrote frantically everything he could think of.

Stopping for a second, he finally let them go. Looking down, he glance over it carefully, trying to see if he had missed anything.

It was the first time writing came easy to him. Techno's favorite color was blue, like the blue sky on a sunny day. Techno didn't like Phil's tea, but would drink it anyway and say it was delicious. Techno was surprisingly good with kids, even if he tried to train them when they weren't looking. Little details and small habits that made Techno, all of them were jotted down.

Ranboo wanted to write them. Wanted to record them because he knew that he would end up forgetting soon enough.

It was almost relaxing, even if his hands still shook. The journal was filled of their own little adventures, the time they burned a woodland mansion, finding and almost getting lost in a water temple. It was how he saw Techno. A grumpy but kind mentor. A wise but funny friend.

At the same time the writing was off. The more he wrote about Techno, tried to describe him, the less real he appeared. As if he was just a character from some story he was trying to recall. It made him nerveous for some reason, turning pages to see where the feeling had started. The Techno he was writing felt imaginary.

Lifting his head, he looked outside the window, seeing Phil's cabin with the lights still turned on. A stark contrast compared to Techno's cabin, dim lighting that seemed ready to give out. It was depressing how out of place it looked now, surrounded by their brightly lit homes. Oddly enough looking at it calmed down his nerves, gave him a single bit of comfort.

Turning back to his journal, Ranboo decided to continue, rubbing the sleepiness put of his eyes as lifted his quill again.

Before he forgets, he'll write it all down. So when the day come, when he wakes up already forgotten everything, he can still remember. Even if he has to meet Techno all over again through a journal.

-
Riding a bike up a hill without any pedals.
-

Techno's pets were missing and Ranboo was ready to die of a heart attack.

He was originally coming in for a visit, maybe gift some gold mined on accident to Techno, knowing he had a stange fascination towards it.

Yet here he was, stading in front of Techno's house, the polar bears gone, Carl missing, the Hound Army out of sight, and as he laid his ear on the porch door, Steve, Bob, and the foxes had vanished as well.

If there was one thing Ranboo was certain of during his time with Techno it would be that you just don't mess with his pets. Everbody knew it was a deathwish. Who ever did this were going to lose all of their lives the moment Techno came back from wherever he was.

"Ranboo, what the hell are you doing mate?"

Turning around, he saw Phil peaking his head out of his cabin door, looking a bit annoyed for some reason. Rubbing his neck awkwardly, Ranboo looked away.

"Some kidnapped Techno's pets." He blurted out, making sure to point were the Edd and Baba used to hang out.

"What?" Phil looked at him confused, tilting his head as he came out fully from behind his door.

"Yup, they're gone. Steve, Bob and the foxes too!"

"Why would-"

"They even managed to take the Hound Army!"

"Ranboo, mate, I know." Phil said, finally getting the chance to speak.

"Oh."

"Why are you here?" Phil asked him as he leaned against his doorway, a grim look on his face.

"I came to visit Techno." He answered nerveously, looking down as he pulled a few gold ingots out his inventory. "I even brought him some gold!"

Something changed in Phil's stance, going from a rigid stand to a tired slump. It was gone in a second though, his face softening up as he let out a tired sigh.

"You're out of luck mate, Techno took his pets out for a walk." Phil answered, stepping out of the way to open his door wider. "You should come in before you freeze to death."

"Oh sure, if you don't mind the company that is."

Ranboo walking past Phil, taking off his coat to hang as he stumbled bit in the dark, noticing that the coat rack was broken for some reason. He shook off the thought, walking to an empty seat near the fireplace, the only light source in the house.

"When is he coming back?"

"Probably in a week." Phil said as he sat in front of him after passing him a cup of tea, laying a pretty quilt over his lap.

"Wow, it really is a bad time then." Ranboo joked a bit, feeling a bit unsettled by Phil's eyes on him.

"Yeah, Techno just leashed them and ran."

"Why did he leave with them?" He asked curiously, finding it hard to imagine someone like Techno, who was known for pampering his pets, to take them out into the wild.

"He said it was something about training them to fight."

Ranboo nodded along sipping on bitter tea, turning to looking at Techno's house out the window. Something was off about it, looking too empty, almost abandoned.

"Ranboo, I know what you're thinking, don't do it."

"What?" Ranboo asked surprised, turning back Phil who was staring at him with cold eyes.

"Techno wouldn't like it if you went through his things."

"But Techno said it was ok-"

"Ranboo."

Something was off. Phil never talked like this, never ordered anyone around in such a harsh tone. He was always excited, chaotic, much like Tommy actually. It made him anxious being here, Phil's cabin was suffocating him.

"Don't go inside his house." Phil ordered, sounding more like desperate begging instead of a warning.

"I won't."

-
Remember that time?
-

"Techno really spoiled you rotten, huh Steve." Ranboo joked, brushing Steve's fur as he laid on his side.

All of Techno's pets were the same, spoiled rotten and unapologetic. Bob who was ever so picky only ate perfectly golden wheat and didn't like cold water. Carl who had the nastiest temper ate exactly hay with carrots on the side, a sugar cube and an apple for dessert. The chattery Fox family only ate the non-squishy berries, leaving behind any that carried imperfections. The Hound Army for some reason had a taste for steak, cooked medium rare with no seasoning. The polar bear brothers only liked smoked salmon and had a distinct hate for cod. Which was exactly what Techno fed them all.

It was obvious that they have all been living their best life here, well feed with luscious coats. Techno took good care of them in exchange for their companionship, which they gave to him freely. It would have all been really sweet if it didn't make taking care of them 100x harder than it should.

It was a pain having to take care of them all, pampered as they were, but strangely enough they didn't cause too much trouble after a while, slowly getting used to him and Nikki. Carl became mellow, the foxes got quieter, the Hound Army seemed more on guard, Bob was less picky than usual, and the polar bears seemed strangely knowing. Almost as if they all knew of their owner's death.

While he appreciated the cooperation, it made the cabin quieter, less lived in. Even if they cleaned off the dust, kept and did everything exactly the same, it still felt empty.

Suddenly he felt something nudge his hand. Looking down, he saw Steve looking up to him, his right paw raised at him.

"Ah, sorry Steve, didn't mean to worry you there." Ranboo apologized, talking to Steve naturally. "Kinda just got lost in thought."

Steve snorted at him, moving around to lay on his stomach. Ranboo laughted as he ran his fingers through fine fur. Steve seemed to like it, closing his eyes as he grumbled happily.

"Some times I think you guys can understand us." Ranboo confessed, watching as Steve opened his eyes to peer at him.

"Don't look at like that Steve, I'm not crazy."

"Steve, I'm swear."

Steve just continue to stare at him, looking a mixture of exasperated and amused. He probably learned that look from Techno.

"No wonder Techno liked you." He said, deciding to lay on him just how he had seen Techno do a few times when he felt stressed, faced down into his fur.

After a while, he waited for Steve to shove him away, expecting him to be as intolerant as Carl to anyone that wasn't Techno. Minutes passed and he was still laying on him, face still buried in his fur. Raising his head, he looked at Steve who snorted and  looked away when their eyes met.

"You miss him, don't you Steve?" He asked thoughtlessly, not really expecting an answer.

Steve just grumbled, turning to look at Techno's chair sitting empty near the fireplace.

"I miss him too."

They probably did know.

-
Trying to remember is,
-

Ranboo stood in front of his mirror, holding a hanger with a dress shirt in each hand. Picking something to wear for the funeral was harder than it seemed.

On one hand, everybody was going to wear their Syndicate uniforms which were blue. On the other, Tubbo was wearing black and he didn't want him to feel alone.

"What are you doing?"

"Holy- Don't do that!"

Jumping in surprise, Ranboo turned around to see Tubbo, their bedroom door opened without him noticing.

"We seriously need to hook a bell on you."

"Awwww, did I scare you Boo."

Feeling his face heat up, Ranboo looked away in embarrassment, Tubbo laughing as he let himself fall on their bed.

"What are the fancy shirts for?" Tubbo asked, lifting his head to look at him.

"Techno's funeral coming up." He answered, showing him the shirts as he looked down on them. "Which one do you think looks better?"

"Uhhh, about that...."

"I'm leaning a bit towards the black one, I don't want you to stand out by yourself."

"Ranboo, that's really really sweet but-"

"You think it's too much?" Ranboo asked, looking up to see Tubbo sitting up, hands clasped together.

"Oh boy, how do I..." Tubbo whispered to himself, looking down for a bit. "Ranboo take a seat, take a seat right here next to me."

"Sure?" He agreed, his anxiety creeping up as he immediately thought of every bad thing Tubbo could possibly tell him. Sitting next to him he braced himself for the worst.

"Okay Ranboo, buddy, don't freak out but I um, Techno's funeral was a few weeks ago."

A cold sensation passed over him as the full weight of those word crashed into him. He didn't remember the funeral and it had already passed.

All of a sudden breathing became a struggle, his hands clawing at his chest to force his lungs to work. He could hear Tubbo talking to him, sounding distorted and submerged. Someone was trying to pull his hands away from himself which he struggled against. Ranboo tried to focus on his breathing, realizing that it was Tubbo's hands stopping him from hurting himself.

"It's okay, it's okay." Tubbo comforted him as he pulled him into a hug. "Shhhh, you just forgot for a bit."

Tubbo laid them on the bed, both of the falling on their side. His arms werr still wrapped around him as he rubbed circles on his back slowly, calming him from his breakdown.

"There we go, all better?"

"How could I forget?" He whispered almost devastated, asking more to himself than Tubbo as he tried to focus on the hand on his back.

"It's been a while," Tubbo answered, holding him tighter. "I'm honestly surprise you didn't forget sooner."

"That makes me feel worse."

"Sorry."

"It's fine."

They laid in bed a while longer, Ranboo fully calmed down. Wiggling out of Tubbo's grip, he sat up and ran a hand through his hair.

"You'll remember again one day."

"I hope so Tubbo, I really do."

-
Being waterboarded in a bucket of question marks and memory fragments.
-

"Foolish agreed to make us a statue." He told Phil, sitting a cross him at his little kitchen table. "He going to need some references."

"Is that so..." Phil answered, sounding almost distant as he suddenly got up from his place and went to his room.

Ranboo watched him walk away surprised, sitting awkwardly in a too small chair. He wondered if it was too soon for him to bring it up.

Tha thought ended quickly, the stairs creaking as Phil came back down, leather journals in all colors of brown carried in his arm, a paper and a quill with it's ink pot in his other hand. Walking back to the table, Phil carefully placed them down, stacking them up before sitting back down.

"What are these?" Ranboo asked, picking one up from the top, oak colored with yellow pages. Opening it right in the middle, he saw a few drawings.

"Are these... Techno?"

"Yeah." Phil answered, smiling softly as he grabbed journals from the stack. "Drew them myself."

"These are really good!"

"Thanks mate, had a lot of practice." He continued, fondly turning the pages. "Techno hated photos, could barely sit still for any paintings."

"They're all from memory." Phil finished, tapping the side of his head with a finger.

It was funny looking at pages full Techno just being Techno. Every single sketch done lovingly, little notes crammed in the edges of the paper. In one page, Techno was cooking, wearing a whole suit under an apron and a chef's hat. The one after it showed Techno in the middle of a nap, a bird making itself a nest from his hair.

It made him hold the journal gently, the pages filled of the Techno Phil saw and loved, feral and free-spirited. It was Techno in his unbridled form.

Turning to look back at Philza, Ranboo saw him sketching someone,  turning to look at the journal at his left every one in a while. Leaning in forward, he realized the person he was drawing was Techno.

"Is this how you want the statue to look?" Ranboo asked gently, Phil lifting his head to look a him.

"Thought it would be nice if he had statue of him smiling." He answered, putting his quill down to pick up his journal, showing him the original.

Techno was smiling in it, eyes squinted close. He was holding a book, glasses perched on his face. It was strange looking at Techno smiling so easily.

"What's the story behind this?"

"Techno was reciting some poetry to me." Phil explained, pointing at the book in Techno's hands. "I kept interrupting him to add in my own shit verses."

"It made him laugh."

Ranboo watched as Phil stared at the drawing, his eyes slowly turning watery. Looking down, he turned another page. He saw Techno trying to eat a pumpkin whole.

They sat in a comfortable silence together, Ranboo going through the journals as he waited for Phil to finish. Once he did, he left to deliver it to Foolish, stopping half way there to take a small break.

He wanted to look at drawings of Techno a bit longer, wanted to see Techno like Phil did. Just a person laughing about a funny poem verse someone told him.

-
How do you feel?
-

Opening the door to his crown cabinet, Ranboo started sorting through them, trying to decide which one he would wear for the day. As he glanced over them he noticed one that stood out amongst the gold.

Picking it up, he took notice of it's shaper form compared to what he usually wore. It was black with iridescent diamonds at the tips and intricate carvings on the rims. A really nice crown over all. Which made it obvious it wasn't his, the black color being the most obvious indicator.

Looking at it for a good while, Ranboo tried to think of where could it have come from. Maybe Tubbo got it for him? He already done so a few times already, yet the ones he gifted looked nothing like this one. Deciding to wear it, he pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind.

He closed the cabinet door, checking himself on it's mirror as he placed the crown on his head. It fit rather nicely on him he had to admit. He'll have to thank Tubbo later.

Walking out of his closet, he closed the door behind him, a small spring in his step as he made his was to the living room.

Stopping for a bit, he leaned agaist the wall near the entrance, taking in the sight of his family, Tubbo helping Michael draw something on the coffee table. He would never give this up, even if it's for the world.

"How's my little warrior doing?" Ranboo asked happily, stepping out from the hallway, already prepared for Michael to come bumping into him.

"Papa!" Michael cheered, running towards him as he crouched down, open arms ready to catch him.

"What's got you in such a good mood Boo?" Tubbo asked from his spot on the carpet, smiling as he propped his elbow on the table.

"Don't you notice something... diffrent?" He teased, moving around to show off his crown.

"Papa has a new crown!" Michael immediately answered, his little hands reaching for it. "It looks so pretty!"

"You finally decided to use one of Techno's crowns huh?" Tubbo asked, his mouth pressing into a thin line.

"Techno's?"

Ranboo asked, shocked as he tried to connect the crown on his head with 'The Technoblade', pushing away Michael's hands away from his head.

"Technoblade?!"

"Uh, yeah..." Tubbo answered carefully, Tubbo watching him with a suspicious expression. Confusion flashed on his face only for a second, the relaxing his tense shoulders as it left. "Why?"

"Because never met this guy before, isn't he like a criminal?!"

"Criminal?" Michael asked him as he put him down on the couch.

"It's someone who does um, really bad things buddy." Tubbo answered, making him more scared than he already was.

"Ohhh!"

He had only seen him in posters, covered in blood and a hollow look in his eyes. Technoblade was someone that everybody in L'manburg warned him about, telling to run if he so much saw the tip of his cape. Which was also the person that apparently gave him this crown, along with many others by Tubbo's words. It made him hold Michael a bit closer, trying to stop himself from trembling. Technoblade was a monster.

"Ohhhh, I see what's going on!" Tubbo exclaimed, hitting his palm with his fist. "He just gave them away because he didn't want them anymore!"

"He... didn't?"

"Yeah! He technically gave them to me since he heard I married some um, "nerd" that wears crowns." Tubbo explained, waving his hands around as he cleared up the misunderstanding. "Don't worry too much, Techno just did it on a whim!"

Ranboo nodded along, letting out a relived sight as he ignored the tell tale signs of Tubbo lying.

"Oh thank the End."

"Haha, papa was scared."

-
Trying to remember is,
-

The chest was full of small wooden boxes, carefully placed inside in stacks, sharing only one similarly. The name Technoblade carved in the bottom right corner in cursive letters.

"Are these his...."

"Crowns." Phil answered, stading next to him while he crouched down. "Every single one that's worth something mate."

Ranboo carefully reached out for a box, carefully opening it to see a crown just as Phil told him. The infamous potatoe crown stared right back at him, the only one of it's kind. Placing it back, he closed the chest and faced Phil.

"They're... for me?" He asked hesitantly, trying his hardest to look at Phil directly in the eye.

"Yeah, and Michael for when he gets older."

Ranboo turned back towards the chest. These were the crowns Techno used to wear. The very same ones he had spent nights admiring. Unlike his, who often were plain and simple, awkwardly placed on his head, Techno's were masterpieces, worn with confidence and a head held high.

Now those very same crowns were his.

"I can't." He whispered, closing the chest in front of him. "I can't, these used to be his, they should-"

He stopped himself, biting his tongue before he said something foolish. Phil was still mourning, barely kept together, Techno's will still hurted him.

"I don't deserve them." He answered, stading up.

"Who are you to say that?"

Shocked, he faced Phil who's eyes were turning more and more like the ocean, deathly and violent. They held him in place.

"What worth do your words hold over his mate?" Phil asked firmly, hands griping the sides of his robes. "He left them to you. I can't take them!"

"Phil-"

"He wanted you to have them." Phil continued, looking down, the smallest he's had ever seen him. "It's not like I could wear them."

Ranboo looked away, quickly walking the door and prying it open. Looking at the snow outside, a cold breeze coming in, he let out a tired sigh as he watched a pair of crows flying in the sky.

"I'll use them well." He said, turning back.

Phil already had the chest in his arms, passing it to him carefully. He could of sworn there were tears his eyes.

"Thank you."

He left, walking all the way without looking back. Standing in front of Percy, one of the two horses Techno left him, he tied the chest to him.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Nikki, getting off of Carl as he got on Percy, nodding towards each other as they passed by. With that, they took off, letting Percy take them back home.

Once he arrived, he took Percy back to his stable next to Spot, taking the chest inside with him. Walking straight to his room, he opened his closet door and stood in front of his crown cabinet. He would need to get a bigger one.

-
Looking back at what you had written only moments before,
-

Ranboo woke up just as the sun started to rise, barking coming from somewhere near his house outside. Untangling himself from Tubbo, against his many complains, he got out of bed and slipped on his slippers.

"Nooo, Ranboo come back to bed."

"I can't Tubbs, I have to check where that barking is coming from."

"Maybe if we lay in bed for a while it'll uh, stop?" Tubbo tried convincing  him, clinging tightly to his pajama shirt.

"Tubbo."

"Tell Big T to do it, we let him live here for free."

"He's staying with Wilbur for a few days." Tubbo only groaned in response.

"Don't go, I'll divorce you Ranboo." Tubbo threatened him, not that he sounded very believable to him. "I'm not joking, I'll actually do it."

"I'll only be gone for a few seconds." Ranboo replied, pulling away Tubbo's hands. "Go back to sleep, I'll come back after checking."

Tubbo grumbled sleepily as Ranboo tucked him back in their blanket, laying a kiss on his head.

Walking to the the back of the house, Ranboo opened the front door, holding his coat close before stepping out. Opening his eyes against the brightness, he saw a large pen full of dogs chasing after a rabbit in his yard. They were Techno's dogs, all wearing bright red collars, the Hound Army.

Techno knew where they lived.

Slamming the door shut, he ran back to his room, almost tripping up the stairs. Quickly going through his closet for clothes, he put on whatever was closest in a struggle.

"Ranboo? What are you doing." Tubbo asked, rubbing his eyes as he sat up.

"Techno knows where we live!"

"What?"

"He knows, he knows! His dogs are outside!" He panicked, roughly pulling his armour off the stand. "He's practically threatening us!"

Ranboo started to put his armour on, his nerves eating him alive. As much as he owed Techno, Tubbo was his husband, someone he has a family with. If has to fight, he won't hesitate, can't hesitate.

"Wait a minute, Ranboo!" Tubbo called for him, jumping out of bed to grab him, stopping him as he tied the armor straps. "We already told him. You don't need to fight him!"

He froze, going slack as he let the gauntlet slide off his arm. Techno already knew and Ranboo didn't remember telling him.

"We... did?"

"Yeah, he was okay with it after giving a short speech about trusting your sensei, it was honestly kinda good." Tubbo nodded his head ad he tokk off his armour, placing it back on the stand. "He even babysits for us now, really helpful by the way with him being half piglin."

"He can... babysit?" He asked suspiciously, looking at Tubbo with narrow eyes for signs of him lying.

"Oh yeah, totally... except for that one time he gave Michael a knife."

"Ahhh." That did sound like Techno. "Why is the Hound Army here then?"

"Oh that was for um, extra protection!" Tubbo answered quickly, pulling on his arm to sit on their bed with him. "He really liked Michael, gave them to us as a gift to make sure he was well protected."

"That was nice of him." He said, a small smile forming on his face as he let out a sigh of relief.

Ranboo felt a constant tension in his body leave him. Ever since he married Tubbo, it's been there along with the anxiety of Techno finding out. It only increased when they got Michael, making it harder to be with Techno without the guilt of lying slowly killing him each time. He was free now.

"Yeah, he gave us lots of stuff." Tubbo said, sounding a bit off as he leaned on him.

"I can't believe you were about to go over there and fight him." Tubbo laughted as he sat on their bed. "No offense Boo, but I'm pretty sure he could break you in two."

"Not if I'm fuelled with the will to protect my family!" Ranboo played along, wrapping one arm around Tubbo. "It's as Techno says, main character logic!"

They sat on their bed for a while, content to watch the sun rises higher from the window.

"Okay that's enough, back to bed!" Tubbo declared, pushing him down as he pulled their covers over themselves. "Don't bother fighting, I've already won!"

"Sure thing Tubbs."

-
Being convinced that someone is in your house,
-

Today was the day he would finally build a pen for the Hound Army, going as far as to waking up early and enlisting Tommy's help. Everything was going smoothly.

"Tommy, that better not be a cobblestone tower you're trying to make right now." He threatened him as he stopped hammering in nails.

"What, no way, I would never!" Tommy answered him as he started to take off the very cobblestone blocks he placed. "I'm very sad that you would accuse me of something that I would never do."

"I'm literally seeing you!"

"Yeah, you see me doing such a great job bitch."

Ranboo groaned to himself, watching Tommy throw a stick in the air, a few dogs going after it.

Techno's will had left him Baba along with the Hound Army, the very same Hound Army he saw rip people to shreds with relative ease. Oddly enough they were rather affectionate and had taken a shine to Michael, often letting him ride them.

It had been a struggle replacing their collars, changing them from red to purple, signifying a chance in ownership. Now they were his dogs, all 53 of them.

"Ughhh, why do we have to make them a pen?" Tommy complained, leaning on the parts already completed. "They seem just fine with running wild."

"They're dogs Tommy, they can  still be eaten by wild mobs." He answered, going back to hammering in some nails on the fence post.

"They're Techno's dogs, I'm sure they're also super smart like Carl!" Tommy exclaimed, throwing the stick again when the dogs returned it. "Carl's really good at climbing, are you good at climbing Liz?"

Ranboo laughted as Tommy started to pet the only dog that stayed behind. Standing up, he stretched, popping his back.

"Ewww, you're an old man."

"I've literally made most of this pen by myself."

"Look at me, I'm Ranboo, I'm a responsible adult." Tommy continued, dramatically swings his arms around. "I pay taxes and sit in a rocking chair."

"Ha ha, very funny Tommy." He laughted sarcastically, taking a look around to see how much of the fence was done. "Come on, we just need a bit more and will be done."

"Fine, only because I'm your greatest friend."

"Yes, what would I ever do without you."

"Exactly, no need to thank me!"

They continue working in relative peace, Tommy talking about someone named Shroom as Ranboo listened to him mindlessly. Just as they added in a gate, finally completing the fence, the back door of his house was slammed open. It was Michael.

"Papa, Uncle Tommy, lunch is almost done!" Michael told them excitedly, stepping in to the snow to pet a dog near the entrance.

"Perfect timing little man." Tommy called out, trying to get away from the dogs. "I'm absolutely hungry!"

"We just need to get the doggys inside the pen." Ranboo told him as he reached out to pick him up.

"I wanna help, the doggys like me!"

"Okay, but you have to be careful." He told Michael as he put him down, crouching down to pull out his pinky. "Promise?"

"Promise!" Michael answered, wrapping his pinky finger with his.

"Well, I'm gonna head in guys, don't mind me." Tommy said, suddenly jumping into a sprint towards the door before Ranboo could say anything. He could only shake his head.

"Let's go Michael, let's see who can get the more doggys inside."

Michael won with relative ease, Hound Army listening more to him than Ranboo. It was rather easy to tell why though, Michael and Techno being so similar to each other, easy for him to realize as Micheal played with the dogs much like how Techno used to. Maybe the Hound Army thought the same.

Closing the pen, he picked up Michael and went inside, closing the door behind. It was lunch time when the Hound Army had officially moved in into the Beloved-Underscore family.

-
And they have your handwriting.
-

Taking a step back, Ranboo swung his sword against an imaginary opponent, his body instinctively moving along with his sword.

No matter how much time had passed, he couldn't get used to it, laying heavy in his grip. All of his positions felt wrong, the motions to awkward. Yet Ranboo couldn't stop, wouldn't replace his sword for another one. Each time he tried an odd since of guilt would flood him, never lasting a day with it.

Swinging again, he tried shifting his balance around, trying to remember the correct position.

"You're doing that wrong."

Breaking out of his concentration, he turned to look at Niki as she walked towards him, her axe resting over her shoulder.

"Really?" He asked, putting his sword down.

"Yup, it's supposed to be a bit more like this," She answered as she used her axe to show him, swinging it in front of him to demonstrate. "Don't hunch too much, it'll mess up your coordination."

Following her example, he tried again, this time swinging his sword like how Niki showed him. Ranboo immediately noticed the difference, doing a few other swing with the same method. It finally felt right.

"How did you know!" He asked amazed, as he continued swinging his sword around. "I thought your main weapon was the axe."

Niki looked at him for a while, her mouth pressing into a thin line as she turned to look at the large crevice on the training floor.

"Techno used to teach us at the same time." She answered, sounding a bit distant. "Something about helping each other grow."

Looking down at his sword, it wouldn't be an overstatement to call it a masterpiece. It was elegant with a long blade full of intricate carvings  and a dark oak handle, glowing purple from the multitude of spells it carried. Just like Niki's axe, his sword was made for war, a bloody and brutal victory. Just like Niki, it wasn't his, wasn't made to be his.

"He's the one who gave me this sword?" He wondered, thumbing  over the cursive lettering on it's handle, the name Technoblade carved carefully, Niki's axe carrying the same name, scratchy in all capitals.

"Yeah, left us each something nice." Niki hummed, swinging her axe mindlessly.

"He sounds nice."

"He was."

Ranboo turned towards the same crevice Niki looked at, a giant slash cut smoothly through the floor and wall in a straight line. Next two it were two smaller ones, one longer while other was wider. They were his and Niki's.

He remembered that day vaguely, both of them jokingly trying to create a slash through the floor to measure their strength. A pink blur of a man laughing along with them, offering word of encouragement and hard pats on the back, trying to defend them from Phil once he found them and the mess they made. They were all lectured on the importance of holding back, yet their crevices were never covered up, left just as they made them next to the first one.

"Why did he give them to us." He asked, watching Niki flinch at his question.

"Probably thought we would need them more than he did." She answered, stopping her swinging to look at her axe. "It's not like the dead have to fight."

"Oh."

Ranboo looked down, feeling an awkward silence blanket them in. They stood still for a few minutes, neither willing to break away.

"He said we had potential, wanted to see us surpass him." Niki told him softly, finally turning around to look at him, a bitter smile on her face.
"Don't worry about the past too much, you'll drive yourself crazy."

Niki laughted at his shock, patting him hard on the back. "Anyways, back to training! Can't have you getting soft on me."

"Of course Niki."

-
Who's there?
-

"Pivot with your right foot." He whispered to himself, going over all the position and moves he knew.

His fighting style, if it could even be called that, wasn't something worth showcasing. It was average at best, made to get the job done without too much of a struggle, much like how most of Hypixel was lived. Only do what you need to do. Having an experienced teacher to guide him though, made all the difference.

"Back step, block!" He continued, changing his stance into another.

Techno taught firmly and thoughtfully, pushing him past his limits but never too far away from them. They had both lived in Hypixel, in the endless competitions and never ending battles, making it easier for Techno to help him form an actual fighting style. By following his advice he became faster with his strikes, smarter with his actions. Ranboo could now confidently wield his sword against two thirds of the server and win.

"Slice diagonally, step forward."

Yet right now, the weight in his hands felt off, still unable to get used to it no matter how much time he spent practicing. Swing after swing, it still wasn't enough.

Moving his foot forward, he lunged, quickly shifting into another form, another failure.

Letting out a tired sigh, he dropped down to the floor to have a break, taking a seat as he laid the sword across his lap. It's been three weeks since Techno's funeral, three weeks since he became unable to wield a sword.

Maybe it was the guilt that stopped him, making him feel unable to do anything. It was the first time in a while that he bothered using a sword.

Picking up it up, he looked at the blade, the name 'Orphan Obliviator' carved in. When he had first heard of it's name he had laughted, believing it to be a joke at first. Techno was the really good with kids and his sword was named 'Orphan Obliviator'. He had a son and he now wielded it. It was ironic how much the name contradicted it's owners.

After looking at it for a while, he got up, deciding to keep on trying till it finally felt right. Raising his sword, he swung, ignoring the mistakes as he pushed through the stances. Once he completed them, he did them again, repeating them as he slowly made one less mistake each time.

"Ha, not bad Ranboo." He breathed out, managing to cut his mistakes in half. "Not bad at all."

The sword still felt off, Ranboo was still far from using it at the same level he used his original one, yet he still held tightly to it. Techno had left it to him for him use which was all that mattered. Even if he had to relearn how to use a sword in order to do so, he would do it.

"What do you think Techno, is it finally main character worthy?" He asked, the question echoing through out the empty room.

Ranboo liked to think that if Techno were here, he say he was proud of him and give him a hard pat on the back. He wasn't used to training alone.

-
Remembering is…

-

It was his turn to prepare dinner today, deciding to cook the baked potatoes that Micheal liked so much. Tubbo was out with Manifold working on their nukes, making it just him and Micheal for the day. Knowing Tubbo, he would probably be at it for the rest of the night, Tubbo having a history of pulling all nighter at the warehouse only wiggle into their bed in the early morning.

"What are you drawing buddy?" Ranboo asked Michael as he started to cut across the potatoes.

"I'm drawing your book club friends!"

"Really?!" Ranboo pretended to act surprise, turning to look at his son drawing across the kitchen counter. "Need some help?"

"No, I'm a big man now." Michael exclaimed, nodding furiously. "I can draw the myself!"

"Sure thing champ." Ranboo encouraged him, laughing softly to himself at Michael's words, Tommy probably having something to do with them.

Turning back to the potatoes, he finished cutting into them. Placing two potatoes on each plate with a spatula. Ranboo added in a slice of butter and sprinkled cheese on top, making sure to add a bit more to Michael's.

"Papa, is dinner ready?" Michael asked, lifting up his head to look at the two plates on the counter excitedly.

"Yup!" Ranboo answered, putting the cheese and butter back inside the fridge. "How about we eat here today, just the two of us?"

"Ohhh, like grown ups?!" Michael asked with wide eyes."

"Yup, just like grown ups!"

He laughted as he watched Michael immediately jump off his seat, shuffling around the counter to pick up his journal and crayons.

"Potatoes!" Michael called out excitedly as he placed their plates on the table, already making grabby hand motions.

"Careful, it's still hot." He warned him, taking a seat in front of him. Michael ignored his warning, already putting a piece in his mouth.

"It's yummy!" Michael exclaimed, cutting out another piece. "It tastes just like uncle Techno's."

Ranboo froze, his fork slipping out of his hand as he lifted his head to look at Michael. The only uncles Micheal had were Manifold and Tommy.

"Really?" He asked hesitantly, trying to remember anyone named Techno.

"Yeah!"

Suddeny, there was this deep sense of dread crawling out of his stomach. That name, it sounded so familiar it hurted hearing it. Why?

"Do I, do I know him?"

"That's a secret!" Michael answered, shaking his head no.

"A secret?"

"Uh huh, Daddy told me to not tell you because it would make you sad." Michael told him, looking down at his plate. "You cried a lot."

Hearing his son tell him this burned. With a shaky hand, he picked up his fork in an attempt to calm himself. He knew Uncle Techno, Uncle Techno was his friend and he didn't remember but everyone else did.

"How's Benson?" He asked with a bitter smile, attempting to change the subject.

"Benson laid 2 eggs today!" Michael told him excitedly, ignorant to the problems inside his papa's head.

"That's great bud."

Ranboo spent the rest of dinner listening about his son's day, Micheal putting in great effort to acting it out while trying not to make a big mess. The feeling of dread never left though, was still there even when he picked up their dirty plates to wash.

As he laid them to dry on the dish rack, his mind wandering back to Techno. Looking at the picture that Micheal drew, sticked on the fridge with a magnet, Ranboo saw four people drawn in crayon. Phil in green, Nikki in pink, him in black, and someone who he had never met in red. They had uncle Techno scrawled on the bottom.

Walking towards the fridge he pulled the paper from under the magnet, folding it carefully to place it in his enderchest later. Ranboo learned three things from his conversation with Michael. One, he and Techno used to be close. Two, He forgot about him but everbody still remembered. And three, Tubbo had told their son not to say anything.

What else was he forgetting? Who else?

-
Something I've forgotten.
-