Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The sun was screaming. The children outside were whining as they walked to school. The sky was annoyingly bright and the deepest blue he'd ever seen. The sweet single mom next door had left a note in front of his apartment door with a safely packed breakfast.

His day was not supposed to be this good.

He crouched down to pick it up and slumped defeatedly against the door when he miscalculated the distance between his hand and the plate.

He grimaced at the thought of rubbing the smell of death from his door later.

Kaeya Alberich.

Ex-succubus of the Chaos faction, straight from the capital of Hell and also Lucifer's ex-boyfriend. He was now living a sad, peaceful(?) life in the mortal world and trying his best to not kill anyone who got on his nerves. Barely getting through the latter. The barista who made his coffee everyday is literally on thin, fucking ice.

Things weren't as he expected.

With his powers weakened, there was a limit to how convenient this (hopefully) temporary stay in the mortal realm was. For instance, he'd fallen off his balcony thrice already and it was only his first week here. Having his feet touch the ground was almost as tiresome as watching Satan try to encourage someone. (and boy could Kaeya go on all day about that)

In Hell, Kaeya had been surprisingly very noticeable. He'd managed to seduce his hoe university teacher, half his classmates, even ending up kabedon-ed by none other than Jean Gunnhildr, the quiet flower of their batch. By the time he graduated with distinction, he'd caught the eye of Childe Tartaglia- the present Beelzebub. Things could not get better.

I mean, Satan's hot and all but he radiates bottom energy and Kaeya's not sure if he could be a switch.

And through it all, it leads to the question- why was Kaeya Alberich thrown out from Hell twice?

Or even once for that matter. The second time was kinda an accident.

Kaeya reminisces over the days when his only work was to float around like a cute little cloud and suck the life force out of people.

Carefree Kaeya was a happy Kaeya. He didn't have a job, made a living by getting fucked(literally), and could also regularly have Movie Weekend with his friends.

Everything was going great.

Until the exam happened.

A global exam for all the demons who'd graduated from University of Hades in the last two years. It wasn't very interesting but Childe was really excited about it so Kaeya decided he might as well take part.

He wasn't in it to win. He was just bored.

Scoring in the top ten, offered you a special place in Satan's court. Your powers as a demon are less limited to just being sexually good but more towards elemental. That is, you could kinda beat up an angel and still live, or the more suitable, work with Leashes- the dead souls in the mortal realm who're still stuck in there.

Sometimes a strong feeling- heartbreak, love, hatred, killing intent, even regret- could hold back a human's soul from passing through the gates of the mortal realm. These held back souls, christened Leashes, can't stay in one form for too long. Sometimes they'd turn irrational and take on the form of a monster, a hollow, which soon disregards the reason it's here and only brings havoc. Switching from a regular demon to a Satan's Apostle really was a huge change, but of course they would be trained and prepared for that job.

Taking on this role would take away everything carefree about being a demon so it didn't really grab Kaeya's attention at first. But then he found out something else, they would also get to be in charge of The Gate.

The Gate that set apart the mortal world from here.

Kaeya recalls the times they had field trips to the mortal realm and those were the only times he's seen it. He was still curious about DIY snacks and Netflix.

Being in charge of The Gate gave anyone a free pass to leave and return as they liked. If they were able to gain Satan's trust of course.

The current Satan's apostles were retiring. It'd been 200 years since they were drafted and the old hags really milked it for all its worth.

Kaeya was really interested now.

Spending eternity here sounded boring and maybe if he spent some of it in the mortal realm, he'd actually remember it. Plus, he figured being with his boyfriend would be a little easier now.

Then the breakup happened.

Kaeya's ass was dumped so hard, Kim Kardashian was no match for it.

That was the cue for two entire weeks of sobbing and basically rage-doing, well, everything.

Kaeya had never felt so heartbroken. Not even when he found his last life's parents down here who never bothered to say hi.

He figured the one way he could make himself feel better was to fucking ace this exam.

The theory part went...unbelievable. Even I'm not sure how to describe it because Kaeya literally spent all nighters studying his ass(and his eyes) off. This man hadn't touched a book in the last ten years and now he had a whole library in his house.

Basically, he worked like this until he actually got to the final round of the exam. Childe Tartaglia was going to regret saying "You're kinda a petty bitch."

But really, what was driving him? Kaeya hated the fact that Childe was the one to dump him first and not the other way round.

This round took place in the mortal realm. And also tested their demonic abilities.

The final test?

Seduce and eat the life force of a human with them falling in love with you. They have to be close to turning into a Leash by the end of the time limit. The finalists are given a week in the mortal realm.

Based on how much energy they're able to feed on, the apostles will be decided.

Call them sadistic but this is hell we're talking about.

Kaeya was desperate now.

Kaeya had almost topped his class and literally fucked around with almost everyone in his neighbourhood. And yet...

And yet, he had doubt now.

It was a dumb move, of course it was. Kaeya's motto through it all was literally-

"Run till you break a leg, Childe is an egg"

And so he took the bold step of breaking into the tech department under Satan's apostles the week before the final round.

The engineers had just left for their afternoon break. Kaeya sneaked into the main room where they held all the files of every human. There were multiple computers connected to one big supercomputer. Kaeya walked to the one on the farthest corner of the room- just his instincts. Opening a map of the area under the test limits, he surveyed around for the area with the highest life force. If he managed to hit the jackpot, Childe better buy some good shoes because Kaeya was going to sweep him off his feet.

No wait.

Did Kaeya actually want him back?

He wasn't sure.

For now, the exam will be the only thing on his mind.

Kaeya's eyes widened as he stared at one particular spot on the map. An old house.

The energy there was way too much than the average human. The concentration was too much and Kaeya could feel that there was more to this than what he saw. If he managed to eat up even half of it, he could probably make it to the top five.

Mentally circling the spot, Kaeya noted down the location. Another beneficial ability of some demons- exceptional memory.

That was all he needed before leaving.

That was all he needed to ace this final round.

At least that's what he thought.

The day of the exam arrived and now he waited in front of The Gate with fifteen other finalists.

They stepped through, into the mortal world and after a colourful exchange of good wishes, they went their separate ways.

Usually, to find a healthy and non-minor target, succubus have to look around a lot. The average human has just enough energy to contribute almost nothing to a succubi's appetite. Which means Kaeya would have to sleep with at least twenty humans to be able to go back to Hell satisfied.

Surveying and studying the concentration of energy took time, and a lot of focus.

Fortunately for our boi here, he was prepared.

He recalled each landmark in the map of this area, each turn before finally reaching his destination.

A traditional Japanese house with a wooden entrance.

Kaeya didn't have his succubus' form anymore. The instant he stepped into this world, he is able to change his appearance, but only to a default one. If he comes here again, he'd have the same look.

His long blue hair was tied into a messy, low bun; his crop and fish net top were now replaced by a pale green tank top and a dark cardigan; his skinny jeans remained and his long boots turned to comfortable sliders. But most important of all, his curly black horns and thin tail disappeared.

He was going to go headstrong and fucking eat this human up.

That was the plan.

Except,

"Master Diluc, one of the examinees is in front of the house. Should I call Rosaria?"

A soft exhale of the warm, summer air and a smile slowly spread across a face.

"No," a deep, monotonous voice answered. "I don't think this one will die."

Chapter Text

The exam had started the second all the examinees stepped into the mortal world.

Kaeya was staring at the place he'd found on the computer before. It looked completely normal.

The old house with the wooden gate. It was right next to a bungalow so it almost wasn't even noticeable. A small police box sat on the other side, empty right now.

Because of the energy here, he almost assumed it was a Chosen One. The angels up there liked to occasionally drop a Vision or two down here on an unsuspecting, poor person and ruin the rest of their life.

"It helps keep balance" They said. "it gets too boring!"

If it really was a Chosen One, Kaeya wouldn't proceed with his plan. A succubus messing around with a Chosen One would make a pretty lame story. For the Chosen One of course, for Kaeya it'd mean sex everyday eHE.

He studied the house a little longer and left. He has to find a place to stay first.

What about documents or money? Not when he could charmspeak. Plus, he'd probably pay them back by the end of the exam. Probably.

Kaeya had to think now. And mark potential places he could feed from if the old house's resident turned out to be one of those chosen motherfuckers.

It was just the morning and Kaeya was impatient so he decided to act by the end of the day.

His plan of action was simple-

1. Pretend to be lost since basically he is new to this area.

2. Seek refuge for some time, hopefully his stomach growls loudly in front of this person.

3. Check if they're a Chosen One.

4. Fuck.

Kaeya's entire time in Hell had been simple. If he wanted to do something it didn't take a lot of effort to do it. Nike's slogan was basically the reason behind every event in Hell. And they didn't even have any stores in there.

If step 3 was ensured by today, Kaeya would still have more than enough time to score the highest.

He checked his hair in the dusty mirror by the bathroom. Still silky smooth, and it will be till the end of time. He wasn't planning on reincarnating anytime soon. The black-gold eye patch that covered his right eye had turned into a simple, white one just tied there by strings . He traced his fingers over it, almost doubtful if it'd do its job. If it came off...

He brushed away the now emerging nervousness by striking a cute pose in the mirror. He was Kaeya Alberich, the sexiest man in Hell to eat record-breaking 1000 mint jellies in a year in the entire land. It was the year he graduated University of Hades. A lot of bad decisions were made, a lot of them involving a one-eyed goose.

Practicing his innocent, scared face one last time, he jumped out the window and onto the street. It was just the first floor so he was okay.

He looked for the house, studying the rest of the neighbourhood as he searched. The area was peaceful, with just a few people stopping at markets or the few small cafes here. Kaeya took note of the cat cafe near the traffic light. He's never stepping in there.

He suddenly stopped.

"Huh-?"

Looking around he stared at the sight in front of him. He was near the bungalow. The police box was there too.

But there was nothing in between.

His eyebrows furrowed. There was clearly a house here before. He's sure he'd seen it just an hour ago. But now?

The bungalow was right next to the police box. As if the old house had never existed. Instantly, Kaeys's ears tingled.

He'd thought so. This wasn't some ordinary person. Heck, it couldn't even be a Chosen One.

There was a stronger power at play here and it definitely wasn't human.

Kaeya tried to think of any celestial who could be down in the mortal realm. In the area of the examination that too. Maybe this was also part of the exam?

Could it be an angel? Last he checked, angels have strict rules against being in the mortal world for too long. Plus they also scare the shit out of humans every time they do descend here so there wasn't any chance of that being the case.

Maybe they were supposed to find this house as the final exam and use the resident's life force. Why else would it be here?

A small smirk grew on Kaeya's face. By the look of it, no demon had passed by this area yet. Which meant it gave him even more time to solve this and fucking ace this exam.

He walked around the bungalow and went to the back. It was possible for a barrier to exist between the police box and the bungalow which hid the old house. There were no runes visible. At least to the average person.

Kaeya looked around the street for any people before reaching his hands behind his head. A few seconds later, the white eye patch slipped down and lay hanging on his neck. He pulled part of his long fringe over his eye in case anyone happened to pass by.

His right eye twitched a little and blinked a couple of times before adjusting. Thin black veins popped out from his eye, small enough to fit under his eye patch. They faded into his skin and reached into his pupils. Like a mascara stabbed into his eye, black pools of paint covered almost his entire eye, except for the small specks of light that fell on it. That and a large red rune that stood out. This was the price for Kaeya's sins. A part of him that'd never change.

In this case, however, it almost served as a boon.

He could use his normal worth of powers as a succubus. His right eye was connected to Hell.

He searched for any runes on the ground or the other houses. There were none. There was no other way to put up barriers right...?

Kaeya had learnt only about rune barriers in Uni, if other ways existed, he wasn't surprised. A lot of magic was limited to demons. The curriculum, the practicals, heck even the limited variety in churros. What'd demons ever do to churros??

If there was another form to put up barriers, it'd have to be something suited to angels or Gods. Angels and Gods had similar powers. They could control almost every other element and relatively were much stronger than any demon. Except for Beelzebub and Satan though, their powers were clearly at a whole new level. And Kaeya should know, he was punished to clean up one of their "accidents" once.  Anyone could tell it was just their cat allergy acting up, for fucks sake, it was literally in their cat room.

Kaeya stopped by a supermarket and got(read stole) some chocolate bars to eat. He was hungry and he wasn't sure what his next course of action should even be. 

Time to eat.

The exam area wasn't very big. It covered less than 1 km in radius and yet covered at least four hundred residing humans.

It took Kaeya just a few minutes to get to the boundary of the place, a cloudy, transparent coming into view that regular humans couldn't really perceive.

He stared at the other side, just separating a house next to him into half. And then he frowned and looked at the house for a few more seconds.

It couldn't be possible. It was the old house he was looking for.

Without wasting a second Kaeya opened its gate and walked in. Could he have been mistaken earlier...?

Ringing the tiny doorbell next to the wooden door, he patiently waited. And waited. Until he opened the door himself. It was unlocked.

Inside, the house was even more rundown than he'd expected. The paper walls were crusty and tearing apart; the floor and everything inside was covered in a layer of dust; the floor creaking with each of his step only grew louder. Whoever lived in this house, abandoned it a long time ago.

And yet. 

Kaeya jumped and almost squeaked when his eyes fell on a human-like figure. They seemed to not have noticed him yet because even after a small choke spilled out of mouth from the surprise, they didn't turn or react.

A small person was seated on the porch in the yard. The living room had extended onto the porch and a table sat next to the person, holding a cup.

Kaeya's eyes squinted as he tried to look for the head. The bright sunlight falling from the open yard into the living room made it hard to distinguish the person's features.

He slowly tried to approach them but flinched when the wood under his feet creaked loud enough to not go unnoticed.

His eyes darted to the person but they still didn't move. Could they have hearing problems?

He carefully made his to them and now stood beside their figure. "Excuse me? Do you live here?"

No response.

Kaeya cleared his throat for no particular reason and tapped the person's shoulder.

Instead of looking towards him as he intended, the body dropped on the grass lifelessly.

To say Kaeya shrieked like a conservative-white-woman-finding-out-her-son-was-gay would be an understatement. I think. He tripped over his own feet and fell hard on his butt. A few seconds of deep breaths and he finally crawled and peeked over the porch. The body was still there, not moving.

Then he noticed something fluttering under them.

A talisman?

Kaeya carefully turned the person around to look at it. It was ruined. 

The runes on the talisman are messy because...? Kaeya experimentally sniffed at the talisman then scrunched his face, 

"A bird shat on you. " Offering a few moments of silence to the poor soul, he got up and carried the tiny person inside. 

He was familiar with these runes. He'd learnt the basics of this form in University. His lecturer was a passive aggressive 20 year old who was so pissed with their study material they secretly taught his entire batch the basics of Celestial runes. The most they could do with them was make fake elemental traces in the mortal realm to mess with angels' data and that was enough to bring joy.

Kaeya hunted around for a brush or a writing tool to redraw the talisman. The only things he found which were relatively close were the empty back pages of a colouring book and five glitter pens.

When he was done, it looked somewhat similar to the talisman. Maybe this would help him move forward in the exam.

"wait" Kaeya furrowed his eyebrows. Where was the talisman even put?

Chapter Text

"Master Diluc...?"

Kaeya blinked. He'd heard that name before.

I've heard that name befo- Wait I just narrated that. Think something else.

That's someone's name? A lot of thought went into it, I presume.

Good.

"Are you alright...?"

The tiny person reached their hand over their head, right where Kaeya's Barbie-worthy talisman replica fluttered. In confusion, he'd stuck it on their forehead with a tack as an experiment. Turns out, it works.

"You're not Master Diluc..." They mumbled with their soft, dazed voice.

Kaeya assumed it was a Celestial child of some sort. He wasn't good with children. He could be, though, if they didn't make him have mid-life crises out of nowhere.

Is this the life force shown in that map?

Celestials life force don't really show up on the radar though, since most of their energy is non-elemental. This couldn't be it. 

"How do you feel now? And who's Master Diluc...?"

The tiny person pouted(?) and poked at the talisman hanging on their forehead. "What this? Not Master Diluc..." 

They weren't answering Kaeya at all. 

Could it be that "Master Diluc" was the one to put the previous talisman on the kid? Maybe he went back to Celestia.

Kaeya suddenly got an idea. "I can take you to Master Diluc."

As he thought, the kid's eyes instantly fell on him. "Y-You can?" Kaeya nodded.

"If you tell me who he is, I'll take you to him." Kaeya almost face-palmed. What was he saying?? Man, this guy is dumb.

Luckily the kid didn't realize the bullshit he just did and nodded instantly.

"Master Diluc is red!"

Another good time to yeet himself out. Why'd he think this would be helpful?

"And?" He asked hopefully.

"He's very hot!" Good to know. Kaeya hopes he's the reason behind that huge life force.

"Where did you last see him?"

"Qiqi saw him here."

Qiqi? Who's Qiqi?

"Who's Qiqi?"

"Qiqi is Qiqi!" Qiqi beamed.

Kaeya forced a smile. 

"Why was Master Diluc here?"

The kid, Qiqi, tapped their foot against the floor as if in thought, "Master Diluc wanted to meet rock man." 

Kaeya stopped asking questions and thought for a few minutes. Nothing was helping. He had a few guesses about what could possibly be going on but he wasn't really sure.

"Okay."

He walked away, leaving the house without a second thought.

He'd gotten till a convenience store until he finally turned back. 

"Why're you following me?"

Qiqi stared at him. "Qiqi hungry."

"No, shoo."

Timeskip to an hour later when Kaeya's ready to dig into his chicken fried rice and churros when his window fucking shatters.

In jumps a distressed Qiqi in tears.

"Why do you not want Qiqi?!" Qiqi clearly has some issues. Therapy it is-

"Doctor left Qiqi, Master Diluc left Qiqi," they sniffled, sitting in a puddle somehow. "A-And now," Qiqi's lower lip quivered and this was enough sign for Kaeya to neglect his chicken and get up.

"Look-"

"pirate man leaving Qiqi..."

Kaeya sighed and picked them up carefully from their tears. "Qiqi, don't cry" he patted their back softly as Qiqi unleashed their water content on Kaeya's sweater.

He gently wiped Qiqi's cheeks with the front of his sweater, he knew most of it was used anyways. "Pirate man will take Qiqi to Master Diluc okay? Qiqi can live here."

For now of course.

Master Diluc. Maybe that's the end point. Maybe that's how they top this exam. They have to look for the most energy force in this area- Master Diluc's. If they knew who he even is of course. The name rang no bells. The most Kaeya could assume was, he's probably a Celestial of some sort.

Then all that bullshit about 'make them fall in love' and 'they should be close to turning into a leash' was probably to mislead them from the main aim. Why did they even think they'd believe that? That's all Disney and Wattpad's area of expertise.

Kaeya didn't sleep that day. He spent the night quietly surveying the entire area. He even went back to the house he found Qiqi in. It was still empty and very dusty.

There was nothing interesting there except for some Cocopuffs and a year expired milk. Oh Qiqi...

Kaeya's eyes shot towards a flicker of movement, then relaxed when he noticed it was just a crow. It sat on the broken bird bath outside and looked at the demon.

They stared each other down until Kaeya had an idea.

Fishing out a bowl from the kitchen, he filled some milk out and placed it on the grass outside, just a few distance away from the bird.

At least one interesting thing's happening. He tried not to smirk.

The bird didn't move at all and Kaeya pouted and left for the apartment he stole.

Of course, the crow was no ordinary crow. It wasn't even a crow. And yet it did the dumbassery of drinking the milk Kaeya tricked it into drinking.

We'll come to the crow later.

Qiqi threw a tantrum. Kaeya made himself pancakes but gave Qiqi a fucking mug of milk. Not the one from Qiqi's house, god, Kaeya's not that bad of a person.

"Why can't Qiqi eat cake?!" She threw a pillow on Kaeya who swiftly defended his plate.

"Kids can't eat cake, kids gotta grow tall." He took a big bite.

"But Qiqi! Qiqi-!!"

Kaeya swooped the last of his pancake off his plate and smiled proudly. Qiqi didn't like him very much now.

Kaeya's hunt for Master Diluc started again today. It's a fresh day tO gEt bANgEd eHEhE-

His hair looked hella cool, he dripped swag, his black eyepatch looked mysterious and gave off that e-boy vibe. 

"Qiqi wants candy!"

He was babysitting a kid in cosplay.

"Why do you wear that hat? Don't you feel hot?" 

Qiqi touched their hat and patted it a few times, "Qiqi's hat."

Good enough. Kaeya grabbed their tiny, squishy wuishy hand and started to walk out of the apartment.

Qiqi tugged his arm. "Candy."

"Once we find Master Diluc, Qiqi will get lotsa candy." 

Qiqi cheered and broke into a smile. The first Kaeya had seen. And man, it was adorable. 

Why was Qiqi alone in that house?

Kaeya sensed something wrong but he wasn't sure. Why was a child like Qiqi even in the mortal realm? They were supposed to be in Celestia at least, being tended to by the Gods.

"Qiqi-"

"Cat demon!" Qiqi squealed and left his hand, suddenly running somewhere.

Huh?

Kaeya went after the child, climbing over a broken fence, walking through tall grass, falling into the lawn of someone's house.

"Qiqi-? Where are you...?" Then he froze, pupils dilating. He caught his breath, almost choking.

Just a few feet away, sat a white tiger. It's deep, aquamarine eyes bore into Kaeya's, making the man almost fall to the ground. 

I-If I die here, I can still go back to Hell right...?

The tiger got up and slowly made its way to the navy haired demon.

"Pirate man! Qiqi found cat demon!"

Kaeya cursed at this timing. Qiqi was standing on the porch of the lawn, just a few feet away from the tiger.

Wait, the important question was, is this tiger even real?

A low growl shook the core of Kaeya's heart. Fuck. There's a white tiger in the backyard of some poor, unsuspecting soul's house and it's first casualties are a demon examinee and a magical child in cosplay. 

Fuck this, it's not like I can die twice.

Gulping softly, Kaeya gave a few nods to himself before darting towards Qiqi, throwing them over his shoulder and making a run for it.

WHATDAFUQWHATDAFUQWHA-

Kaeya wheezed jumping over the fence. He couldn't hold his sister's baby in his last life, now he was running around with a possibly hundred year old toddler on his weak as shit shoulder.

"No! Cat!" Qiqi cried out and hit Kaeya on his back but Kaeya wasn't going to play with his possibly expendable life right now.

Panting, he reached just nearby his apartment.

Qiqi was squealing and rambling about "Master Diluc" and some "cat lady" but Kaeya was trying to breathe first. Their voice was so high pitched Kaeya had other questions-

"Wait Qiqi are you a girl?"

Qiqi paused. Then pulled the hem of their shorts a little to which Kaeya instantly shot up.

"Okay okay never mind! It doesn't matter baby!"

He grabbed Qiqi's hand and trudged to their apartment. 

"Can pirate carry Qiqi?" Qiqi looked at Kaeya with their big, glittery, anime eyes full of expectation.

"No."

"Fuck."

"Where'd you learn that word, brat?!"

Chapter Text

"Y-You're Master Diluc...?" Kaeya almost choked because holy shit.

This man could literally rob Kaeya in front of him and Kaeya would apologise.

How did he even find Master Diluc, you may be wondering. How did Kaeya even do it so easily?

Kaeya didn't expect this. He'd walked around the exam limits at least ten times. There was no way this was happening.

He had no idea what to do.

He couldn't find Master Diluc. He couldn't sense the life force of any strong human. He was stuck babysitting an immortal Celestial and his legs were starting to hurt now. All his time had flown by.

He had less than a day left. Precisely, 5 hours.

All hope was lost.

Kaeya's head hung low as he walked around the convenience store grabbing at whatever he thought looked tasty. Detergent soap made the cut somehow.

Qiqi noticed his sad aura and yet chose to say-

"Candy for Qiqi, please Kaeya....?"

Kaeya didn't feel like saying no anymore. Plus, even though he'd promised the child candy with a condition, it was kinda mean now. Kaeya looked at the kid and nodded with a small smile.

"Sure, yeah. Take whichever you like."

Qiqi broke into a huge smile. And nobody could've predicted what happened next.

Qiqi astral projected. Deadass.

Kaeya zapped out of the convenience store and when he blinked, he'd woke up in the entrance of a house. Two shoes sat in front of him- a pair of black, platform boots and some bright orange, floral flip flops.

His head was spinning a little so he had to crouch down for a few seconds. Plus the flip flops were definitely partly the reason. Until a door slid open.

"Kaeya Alberich."

Kaeya blinked. And then peered up.

A man dressed in a traditional yukata stepped out of the room closest to him and offered a hand. His flaming, red hair hung loose over his shoulders, the light from the slightly open door fell on his chiseled jaw, probably sharp enough to cut onions. The very figure of the man had Kaeya convinced he could turn into a young adult writer just to write the things he'd love to do to him.

"u-uh." His voice cracked.

"Are you hurt? It's been a long time since Qiqi brought someone over, her gears might not be working that well."

He pulled Kaeya up from the floor himself when the poor man didn't react to his hand out of shock.

"I hope-"

"You're beautiful." Kaeya sputtered.

The man's red eyes went big. He looked surprised but smiled softly in a few seconds. "Thanks-"

"Who's at the door?" A tiny head poked out from the same room the man had come from. He looked at Kaeya and grimaced into a glare.

"Y-You-! What're you doing here?!"

Kaeya blinked. He had no idea. He just woke up here without understanding how. "I-I don't know...?"

"Master Diluc nobody's supposed to find this place! I knew that dipshit planned this I'm going to whoop his-"

"Master Diluc...?"

"Yeah?" 

Fuck, I said that out loud.... wait. Now what?

Kaeya flipped his hair away from his face. Okay I've got this.

Kaeya put himself together faster than any mean girl on their way to rip one off of their favourite-teacher-but-not-sexual-favourite-because-thats-just-creepy.

"Why am I here...?" Kaeya blinked. Not just any blinking, that one where your eyes look big and all your eyelashes suddenly decide they want some screen time. 

It was an innocent question and yet the traditional move to set things off by making it seem like he's someone important connected to Master Diluc. He needed to lick his ass and get him to help his sorry ass.

He needs to go back. Maybe this Master Diluc could make up some excuse to the examiners about Kaeya. He could still get through the exam. Or if it really came down to what demons are really supposed to do here, he'd have to try and get him to bang him.

Diluc's eyes looked away, a small tint of colour spreading from his ears. "I don't know, there must be a reason why Qiqi brought you here."

"Master Diluc he's probably tricked her!" That mop of dark hair spoke up again. His hair curved like pineapple spikes. How does it even stand up like that? 

"When I went back to check on her she was gone. She wouldn't leave without a reason, that demon is definitely behind it." He narrowed his eyes at said demon. 

Wha how do they know I'm a demon...? Are my-

Kaeya put a hand to the side of his forehead where his horns poked out from whenever he reverted back to his demon form. He wasn't in his demon form.

Diluc looked at him with an odd glint in his eye. His face was blank now.

"How did you find Qiqi," He slowly asked. "and what did she ask you?"

Kaeya's eyebrow twitched lightly. "Who dat."

I'm sorry Qiqi, I need to play dumb to understand things right now ;-;

Diluc shot a look to the boy still poking his head out of the door. They seemed to be sharing a thought.

"Where were you before appearing here?"

"A convenience store." He replied instantly and pointed at the shopping cart which was also teleported with him.

"What the fuck."

The beautiful man seemed to be calculating his thoughts because man, his eyebrows were furrowed so hard he could crack walnuts between them.

Meanwhile Kaeya stuck out his tongue sneakily at the boy. He was shorter by a few inches and very high strung.

He jumped at the action and glared at Kaeya before glancing at Diluc and giving Kaeya the finger.

Must be his owner. Kaeya grinned and flipped him off using both his hands, without a care.

"I'm really sorry, I should've invited you in," Diluc finally spoke. "how rude of me, please make yourself comfortable." He went back to that polite service smile. Maybe he's one of those Celestial god's attendants and working in the mortal world?

Kaeya mentally pumped his fists.

"Xiao" he turned to the shorter boy. "take him to that room please."

"Yes master Diluc."

Kaeya slipped off his sliders and followed Xiao down the cold hallway of the house. The walls of the hallway particularly were wooden and decorated with paintings. Kaeya slowed down and looked at one messy sketch of a house in the clouds. It looked like a kid drew it.

Maybe it's Xiao's.

They walked into a bright room with the sun directly falling into it.

There was a small kotatsu and a couple of pillows spread around it.

"Sit." It almost felt like an order.

"Do you want something to drink? Maybe some milk?" He said the word so oddly Kaeya felt sus.

"We both know it'd be put to good use if you drank it," He grinned..

Xiao popped a vein. He turned around slightly before screaming, "Master Diluc can I throw him off the roof?!"

There was a pause. Before-

"Not yet!"

Xiao did a cat's equivalent of a pout and 'hmph'-ed.

"What's your name." He said bitterly, almost like he didn't even want to know.

Kaeya smiled. "Jon."

Xiao made a face and muttered, "an equally annoying name."

The two turned when they heard the door open.

Diluc returned with a tray of juice and some snacks. Also with a girl. She looked around Xiao's height, with streaks of white curling from her sky blue hair. She flinched on noticing Kaeya and her jaw dropped lightly.

That's some reaction. Who're these three anyways.

"uh." She stood frozen at the door until Diluc pushed her in with his knee.

"Do you know him?" He sat down right in front of Kaeya to place the tray, the neck of his loose yukata moving just slightly enough to show his beautiful, smooth chest.

Kaeya would love to get into those.

"You know me?" He asked furrowing an eyebrow.

Ganyu was still standing, in an awkward position now if I may add. She leaned on a study table next to the door, a casual hand on her hip.

"I-I thought you knew me," she stuttered, adding a quiet "...sir"

Silence.

Kaeya glanced at that godly chiseled chest still noticeable. Xiao noticed him and shot a glare.

"Ganyu wipe his mind."

"Huh?" Ganyu and Kaeya looked at Diluc.

"Wait what no," Kaeya got up. He was nervous now. "I know you've noticed already, I'm not human. I have a job here and I can't go back without doing it."

"What kinda job?" Xiao scoffed.

Kaeya controlled the urge to flick his forehead. "You wouldn't understand. Can you please send me back to uh ...that convenience store? I don't know what this is or who y'all are. I don't have a lot of time either."

Diluc shared a look with Xiao.

Xiao rolled his eyes and leaned towards him to whisper not so quietly, "He saw the house before, remember? Who'd pause that dramatically long after directly walking here without even knowing what it is...?! Yanno how many kdramas have that exact scene??"

Can someone teach this poor boy to whisper? 

Diluc glanced at Kaeya who was staring in the dead of his eyes. "L-Look I don't think he even knows what this place is. Heck, he looks so lost right now..." Diluc did his best whispering.

I look lost? I've come here before...? Kaeya had his demon powers, of course he could hear their dumbass whispering.

And then he realized.

I'm in that old house-?

"Okay," Kaeya blinked. "I'll send you back. I'm really sorry by the way. Today's not been a good day for any of us." Diluc almost sighed.

"Wait no!"

He mentally calculated how long he had before the exam ended.

"I uh..." Kaeya wasn't good at math. "Can I talk to you in private, Master Diluc...?"

Diluc looked surprised but got up anyway.

5 hours. Kaeya finally got it. I've got 4 hours to seduce the hell outta this beautiful man.

Okay. I'm drinking it... Wait, shit. I forgot to drink the juice he gave me-

"We'll be in my study." He told Ganyu and Xiao before leading Kaeya to a room just by the end of the hall.

One thing which every demon was equipped with when they came to the mortal world was Eve's mix- aphrodisiac. It's dangerous for humans to consume, and solely for the use of Celestials. Just a spoonful and it could turn your body to mush. In a good way. It's a basic necessity of demons who live for sexual intercourse.

Kaeya's not used it a lot because when he was with Childe, naturally his body would react to such high power. He knew he'd have to use it for the exam, so he came prepared.

While they walked, Kaeya quietly brought out the small vial tucked in his jeans and poured it completely into his mouth.

I've got this. I've  soooo  got this...

"Here we are. After you." Diluc opened the door for him.

Kaeya could already feel his insides tingling lightly.

He stepped in before actually noticing.  "This... you-"

Diluc slammed the door shut behind him and a lock was heard clicking just a few seconds later.

Kaeya's body started to tremble. Not from the aphrodisiac though, this was different.

This was a demon's cell.

Chapter Text

"Kaeya Alberich. I've been waiting for you for a long time." Diluc smiled. It wasn't the gentle type Kaeya had seen earlier. It felt dark.

Kaeya was sweating now, trying hard not to lose balance and fall. He couldn't step further into the room, nor could he walk towards the door blocked by Diluc.

Why so?

This room was a demon cell.

Of course, why didn't he expect this?

A demon cell is basically rooms some Celestials keep to trap or weaken demons. Since the yang part of their energy is higher, demons make it possible to leak out this yang energy affecting nearby humans the way radiation does and also attract Leashes in the process. And so Celestial court calls for such a room to be present in a Celestial's house who could be interacting with demons in the human world.

The room is covered in talismans and of course, a ying charm. 

Almost every living being has ying and yang energy. These are different from their core energies and control their minds and the beating of their hearts while the core energy, well in simple words, is the energy of soul. 

The yang energy in a demon dispels the force of a ying charm and gets suppressed in the process. There's a certain limit to how big of a ying charm could be possessed by someone. It's usually just two or three inches big.

Kaeya turned around cautiously, looking for it. The closer he got to the charm, the stronger would be its effect. The one in here was at least a foot big. It was a pale white stone hanging on the wall by a thick red rope. If it ever gets cracked, it wouldn't be of any use. If.

"You have something I want, I know you can feel it." Diluc grabbed his collar and smelled(...???) his neck. Kaeya couldn't even push him off.

"As long as you cooperate, I'll let you go. "

Fuck. Kaeya cursed himself. I'm turning to mush.

He moaned.

Diluc's eyes widened. "okay what the fuck....? That's not what I meant-"

Kaeya took advantage of this. Diluc's guard was down. Momentarily.

Kaeya squished his face and punched him. With his lips.

Diluc could taste blood from having bit his tongue accidentally. "Ow-mmph!"

Kaeya slammed him against the door, latching onto his yukata. 

Just a little energy, I need to leave

Kaeya's head stopped spinning and he had just enough energy to grab the man's beautiful, sharp face and headbutt him without missing. 

Diluc screamed and swatted Kaeya's face away like a madman. "I-! You-!"

He patted his forehead, flinching and absolutely bewildered.

"I just did my morning routine?! Gahhhhh-!"

The Celestial had a 10 second breakdown by the end of which he was crouching on the floor against the door.

He finally got up and dusted off the nonexistant dirt off his robe. 

"Anyways,"

Kaeya grabbed the collar of his inner robe and headbutted him yet again, being a lot harder with this one. 

"OKAY STAHP!"

Diluc kicked him away and cupped his forehead. "W-Why would you do this..?" He turned to the demon on the floor, his glowing red eyes now tearing up.

He's tearing up what the hell-

Kaeya gulped before smirking apologetically.

"Master Diluc," He spoke carefully. "I'm sorry for that, but I really had to know if you're behind harvesting my demon organs. Although that looks far fetched for you. Whatever else you need me to help you with, I'll do it but I have a condition."

Diluc looked like he was pouting but urged Kaeya to continue with a nod of his head.

"Have sex with me, help me go back to Hell, and then I'll do whatever you want."

Diluc furrowed his eyebrows, that sexy walnut flex.

"Firstly, what the hell. Second, what guarantee do I get that you'll return? Demons don't have that good of an impression on me just so you know."

Kaeya thought for a few seconds. "I'll leave my eye with you." Diluc's eyes widened. "That sound a good enough deal?"

Diluc had suspicions about Kaeya's eyepatch but now that he admitted that it was in fact what the Celestial thought, Diluc almost nodded immediately. He contemplated the offer for a few seconds. The hand cupping his forehead fell down. 

"Okay. Strip."

Kaeya was surprised this actually worked. He grinned in victory and temporarily forgot about the ying charm affecting him.

"Fuck wait," 

Diluc paused from pulling his robes off.

"We're still in here? You want to fuck me when I'm close to passing out bud?"

Diluc walked to a wall, and turns out it's not a wall, slides it open to reveal a normal bedroom. 

"I can't stop the ying charm affecting you, according to regulations. Here you wouldn't feel a lot of it, plus," His layers dropped to the floor, revealing his scarred yet godly-sculpted physique. "you're going to suck my energy right now anyway."

Kaeya gulped again. He felt his insides turn even mushier. Kinda like mashed potato.

He got up slowly and crawled away from the ying charm, which was placed in a glass case on a lone counter. 

He raised his arms, gesturing Diluc to lift him up.

"Demons aren't this weak..." He muttered.

"Stop being a bitch."

Kaeya took more time to undress, which could've been avoided if the mopey Diluc had helped him when he'd asked him to.

Diluc's eyes ran over his body. Kaeya was just about his height but was more on the slender type.

"You must have some experience, Master Diluc," Kaeya pushed him on his back. "keeping a room here, in such a convenient place. How many demons must've sucked off of you... "

Kaeya's eyes glinted. It had been long since his last fuck and boy, he was excited after only focusing on the exam this entire time.

Diluc pushed him off his chest with ease and pinned the demon down by his wrists.

"Say, how long do you have before this exam ends?"

Kaeya's demeanor broke. Huh...?

He knows about the exam...............??

Diluc smirked. "Around four hours right, huh. Let's spend it well."

[Smut warning. Other than Luckae bickering, nothing of importance ensues here. Yall can skip to chapter 7 if you're uncomfortable, I just wanted to write some smut for myself hehe]

And before Kaeya could say anything, Diluc shut him up with a kiss. 

"Hey! That's not-mmph!"

His hand brushed over Kaeya's asshole. Prodding at it slowly and teasingly. 

"So it's true that Eve's mix can get even a male demon wet down there."

Kaeya knew this, he knew the effect and how good it felt. And yet he felt his face burn when Diluc made the comment.

"I don't remember how it feels using this, heck I don't remember the last time I had someone here."

His hand stroked Kaeya's length. As much as the man bottomed with Childe, Kaeya was actually proud of his assets. He tried not to groan as Diluc's long fingers slowly rubbed over his hilt, making his hips want to fuck into his hand.

"Impatient are we? I did say we'd spend all that time wisely but if you get wasted so fast I'd be left dissatisfied."

"Are you going to fuck me or give me a Ted talk?" Kaeya snapped. His ears easily turned darker whenever he was flustered and the fact that Diluc kept saying just the right words to turn him on wasn't helping.

Diluc paused. "Finee," he shrugged. "but you're not complaining."

"You're so slow!"

"Okay what did I just say?"

"That you can't keep someone over for a night-"

"I'm so close to carving your kneecaps-"

"Oh wow an annoying kink?? You couldn't get any worse."

"You-!" Then Diluc paused. "It's annoying? Have you had your kneecaps carved...?"

Kaeya opened his mouth to make another snarky remark about how slow he was but actually gave it a thought. Imagining the feeling now sent a shiver down his spine.

"Disturbing. I meant disturbing."

"Damn, that's good. Xiao wouldn't mind doing it if you're into that-"

"Why're you bringing up some emo catboy when you're about to fuck me?"

Diluc groaned. "Oh my god you are so annoying!"

"Come fuck me then!"

"Oh I'll fuck you alright!"

"Okay!"

"Yeah!"

Diluc pulled off his only layer left, bright teal boxers(?), and resumed his position over Kaeya.

As much as he'd hoped, Kaeya will not be the one on top today.

He almost drooled looking at mini Diluc. Fucks sake, 'mini' shouldn't even be used to refer to it.

Kaeya gulped feeling it rub on his belly as Diluc reached over him to grab something.

"Lube? But I drank that abomination?"

Kaeya's referring to the Eve's mix not the lube. Putting this out here just in case.

"It'd still hurt." Diluc opened a vintage glass bottle with transparent shiny fluid. Where did he even get that? Kaeya wanted one too.

Pouring a generous amount into his hand, he rubbed Kaeya's asshole.

"Ah wait," He leaned back. "turn around."

Kaeya raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Your face is annoying."

Kaeya kicked him with his heel before complying. Diluc sucked in a breath.

This is hard.

He is hard.

Diluc's having a hard time controlling himself and if he goes any further, he has a feeling he's going to lose his mind.

Chapter Text

[Smut continuation. Not a lot of plot. Skip to next chapter. Yes I wrote the  fanfic  for the smut now shoo ]

-

-

-

-

-

"Ggh!"

Kaeya's insides churned as Diluc fingered him, three of his long-ass fingers knuckle deep in Kaeya's ass.

The demon groaned from the stretch. He was fucking him open but it was just not enough.

Kaeya's hand tapped against his cheek impatiently as Diluc prepped him.

"Hey, I can take it. Can you start already?"

"Sure you can," Diluc muttered and pressed in another finger, stretching his entrance wider.

"You-agh! You can stop now, I'm ready" the demon whined, groaning against the pillow in his hand.

"Yaoi mangas show nothing of the time it takes for this." Kaeya mumbled, bored.

Diluc raised an eyebrow. "You read yaoi?"

"Yeah, we're all bored down there." Kaeya chuckled, remembering all his friends loudly have debates in public about which dragon they'd wanna get railed by.

Kaeya perked up when Diluc's fingers suddenly pulled out of his ass.

"You say you're a demon, but I'm pretty sure you're a succubus, aren't you?"

Kaeya blinked in surprise. Surely he hadn't released or shown any signs of his succubus form ever since he stepped into the mortal realm.

"How would you know...?"

Diluc chuckled. "Lucky guess."

He spread Kaeya's thighs apart and pressed the tip of his length to the entrance.

"I've heard succubi can take any length inside of em, that true?"

Before Kaeya could answer, Diluc's mass sent a shriek through his throat. The man had pushed the tip in, stretching Kaeya's hole apart way further than any of his four fingers had. The time he'd spent "preparing" should've best been used by Kae baby to build himself mentally.

Diluc held his waist tight, pulling him back as he tried to fit his cock into him, excrutiating inch by inch.

Kaeya gasped. "F-Fuck what-?"

Diluc exhaled a shaky breath. "You can take it all. Come on bub."

Pulling himself out slowly, Diluc gave him a few seconds, until just a snap of his hips and he'd buried himself into the demon balls deep.

Kaeya cried out loud. "oHh mY-! G-God Diluc!"

He clutched onto the pillow, mouth wide open as he whimpered breathlessly. Kaeya felt like his stomach was being opened from the inside, like suddenly his body felt like elastic.

Diluc was impatient to start moving but he could feel Kaeya's insides getting tighter with each second. He caressed his smooth, tan skin, tempted to fill it up with marks that'd remain for him to see everyday.

Damn that's gay, Diluc thought.

"I'm moving." He finally said after a few minutes of them quietly just breathing.

"H-ah no wait!" Kaeya moaned when he felt Diluc move inside of him.

The man pulled himself out before slamming into the demon, cue Kaeya screaming.

He dug his teeth into the pillow, trying to muffle his moans and screams as Diluc rammed into his tight heat. Kaeya grabbed onto the pillow beside him and tossed it back, Diluc yelping from the action.

"Okay why?!"

"I dunno, you're annoying-HAhgH!" Kaeya's breath hitched when Diluc pulled out slowly.

Diluc clicked his tongue before diving into the demon again, his hand traced his skin down without Kaeya noticing and before Kaeya could react, started to pump his cock with each thrust.

"I-! MMGHF!" Kaeya's moans turned into guttural whines as the Celestial pounded him into the mattress. Kaeya's elbows failed to hold him up and he fell onto the bed, being used as a rag doll.

Diluc spanked his cheek making Kaeya shout out.

"Come on, raise your hips properly." He delivered another spank, even harder this time.

Kaeya latched onto the sheets, trying not to get dragged away by Diluc's thrusts because holy fuck, did the man have stamina. The Ying charm in the room was also not helping Kaeya's case as the demon felt himself turn weaker every time that schlong turned his insides into an active earthquake.

"Y-You! You're not- nnh~! N-Not some Ce-lesti- Hyanh!"

"Hm what?" Diluc smirked, knowing full well of how Kaeya couldn't open his mouth without moaning.

"What are you?!" Kaeya cried out as Diluc increased his pace, slamming his hips back so hard Kaeya could barely think.

"Fuwahhh! Di-Diluc-"

He couldn't think even a word before Diluc grabbed his hips and started to thrust harder, rougher.

"I was too slow?" Diluc grunted, watching the man under him just melt into a stuttering, moaning mess.

"Y-You bastard- NGYAH! F-FUCK OH MY-"

The man didn't even let Kaeya complete his sentence. Something stirred inside of Diluc and suddenly the last bit of his sanity just melted away. He was so horny.

Kaeya's hips trembled as Diluc fucked into him so good. He pressed his face into the pillow, trying to muffle his screams but the next second Diluc grabbed the back of his head and leaned over, swallowing all of his beautiful cries and taking over his bitten red lips.

Diluc felt the man flinch when he hit a particular spot inside of him, and tried not to grin or show any of what was going on in his head because fuck, none of it was of good intent.

"get up," he ordered. "lean back on me."

Kaeya took deep breaths for a few seconds before shakily complying, his knees weak from the intense banging.

"Good boy," Diluc kissed his neck before raising his body lightly by the waist.

"hm..?" Kaeya was not prepared to feel so much pleasure next. Diluc forced it all in, all of his length just buried into Kaeya and holy fuck, Kaeya was literally cumming already with a scream.

Diluc didn't let him rest and immediately started to pound him down onto his cock, loving the way the demon's insides were still convulsing from his high.

"D-DILUC WAIT I JUST-! AAAAHHHHHNNNH!!" Kaeya grabbed onto whatever he was close to- Diluc's arm- and dug his nails into it.

Kaeya teared up from the overstimulation, thighs closing in but ass just being utterly wrecked.

"AgH~! W-Wait" Kaeya gasped for air, stomach feeling so full until he looked down and almost just passed out. His lower region really was stuffed full, to the point where it bulged out just a little and he could see how deep Diluc's cock entered him.

"I-I Diluc"

Suddenly he screamed out. Sure he was moaning all this time but this was different. Diluc had hit that all too special spot again and this time, he's making sure to not neglect it.

Cue Diluc ramming into Kaeya's sweet spot with every. Fucking. Thrust.

Kaeya was shouting at the top of his lungs now, bursting into a fresh batch of tears along with a fresh batch of cum. His chest rose shakily as Diluc fucked him down one last time before finally pulling out.

"hAagH..." Kaeya let out, throat hurting now. He could've kept his mouth shut but unfortunately (or fortunately, huh Diluc owO), Kaeya was very vocal during sex.

"GyAh-!" Diluc grabbed his spent cock, stroking it fast now while Kaeya tried to stop him, thighs trembling and pressing themselves close.

"N-No I-I-" Kaeya babbled through his messy headspace.

Diluc stroked him faster and faster despite the demon's whiny sobs and before he knew it, Kaeya's body shuddered and tensed up.

"Hm?" Diluc looked at his hand around mini Kaeya, "you came dry."

Kaeya muttered something that was supposed to be "no shit, Sherlock" but only came out as an incoherent mess.

Kaeya melted into Diluc, all of his weight shifting onto the man. Well, until he was pushed onto the bed again, back first this time.

"huh...?" Kaeya peered up.

Diluc kissed his thigh, placing his leg over his shoulder.

"It's only 9. We do have a lot of time to spend," Diluc smiled. "right?"

Diluc's fingers traced over Kaeya's belly, caressing just around his member. "I did say I'm going to spend all of it with you."

Kaeya gulped.

Well, at least his last memory in the mortal realm before passing his exam is being railed by some Celestial with fucking godly stamina.

Kaeya blinked.

Diluc was pushing into him again but suddenly Kaeya was focused elsewhere.

Godly stamina. He repeated mentally.

"Di-Ah!" His eyes clenched. "H-Hold up..." he placed his hands on Diluc's chest, hoping it'd help. It did.

Kaeya was panting. He hadn't recovered from the last round. "You're not a regular Celestial, aren't you...?"

Diluc looked surprised. "I mean, yeah? I thought you knew that already...?"

Now Kaeya was surprised. "Wha- how'd I know that?"

Diluc shifted on his knees and sat down. "Well, you did cheat and end up directly on our doorstep so that you'd ace your exam. Didn't you notice the unnatural energy level here compared to the rest of the exam area? Isn't that why you even came here?"

Kaeya tried not to hit himself. He did. He had noticed it all. He just never bothered to figure out why it was even like that in the first place.

"Okay, so I'm dumb. But you're a" Kaeya couldn't help looking shocked. "...a God?"

Timeskip to three hours later when Diluc's finally done with Kaeya, leaving a completely fucked out demon on the bed. His load spilt over Kaeya's flushed thighs and onto the sheets, Kaeya's stomach still bulging from the uncountable rounds worth of milk he'd been stuffed with.

Diluc was tempted to pull off his eye patch, curiosity almost getting the best of him until he heard a knock at the door.

"Oh hey Xiao." He greeted like normal as if he hadn't just subjected him to his worst ear scarring experiences yet.

Xiao looked like he'd just cried, eyeliner smudged and for some reason, big messy characters on his forehead.

"I know we said these walls are soundproof but you've gotta know, they're really not."

Diluc raised his eyebrows. "Oh yeah, I know."

Xiao eyes widened. "Wait wha- wait! You knew?!" He took a stance. "Why did you go so long then? Zhongli xiansheng literally waited for you for an hour! He even watched The Office the entire time and you know how he gets after that!"

Diluc simply smiled and patted his head.

"Let's just say I wanted to let him know something."

Chapter Text

"Kaeya Alberich,"

Huh...?

"your punishment is time long enough till you repent."

(tf did I write here what does it even mean)

What the-?

"Starting now, you are exiled from Hell. Your stay in the mortal realm may be permanent or temporary, based on your actions. You have tarnished what it takes to be a Satan's apostle and for this, you will rightfully pay with your body."

I will what now-

Kaeya watched a hammer fall on him from the sky and the next thing he knew he was gasping for air as he woke up in the middle... of a... street...?

The man looked around. It was the same street he'd come to for their exam.

He could hear crickets. It was night.

"H-Huh...?" Kaeya patted around his forehead. His horns were gone. Then he looked down, he was in the same clothes he'd arrived into the mortal world in the last time he was here.

Wait, he pushed two fingers under his eye patch, his eye was still there. How am I still here? Did the exam get over...?

Kaeya tried to turn back into his demon form. And he did.

Long black tail appearing behind him; maroon, black horns curling over his forehead; teeth turning to fangs. And then it all disappeared. Just in a poof. His powers were there, just not a lot. He couldn't feel his yang energy at all.

Okay what do I do now

Kaeya looked around again. It really was the same place.

Wait. His eyes widened. Qiqi!

Kaeya darted to the cheap apartment he'd been living in during the exam period. Surely the owner remembers the mess of lies he'd used to convince her. If she was still under his charmspeak power, he could go there for now.

After Kaeya was zapped into that God's house by Qiqi, he didn't know how that kid even was. Shouldn't they have also appeared in Diluc's house?

Kaeya felt his heartbeat rise.

So maybe he'd gotten attached to the Celestial in those 2 weeks he'd spent here.

Okay, fuck it. Kaeya turned away from the building owner's house. In the likely chances that his charmspeak wore off, he'd basically be committing a crime with legal consequences.

He sneaked behind the building, where he last remembered his room window was. Scaling a floor shouldn't be that difficult right?

WRONG.

"YOU PUNK! STOP RIGHT THERE!" The owner called after him, having clearly noticed the six foot tall, creepy one eyed man dancing around behind her apartment.

Kaeya squeaked and fell off the ledge of the first floor.

"NO WAIT LOOK AT THAT"

He pointed behind her to which she actually stopped and looked.

Classic, he snickered and made a run for it.

Well, he tried to. Kaeya never used his feet much in the underworld so it wasn't a surprise when-

"Gyah!" His ankle twisted and he fell off the sloping compound behind the building.

Surely this was to be expected when you've lived at least a hundred years floating around without a need to use your feet.

"What the fu-"

Kaeya fell onto a pavement and, by the feel of it, so did someone else. A skateboard hit Kaeya's side and the next thing he knew, the rest of his leg seemed to have united with his ankle's condition.

"Ggh are you oka-?" And then a screech.

Kaeya hoped his leg didn't look as bad as it felt. It was another matter though, because-

"Y-You-! Hades' clodass-!"

Colourful words.

Kaeya instantly knew who this was.

"Hello to you too, Xiao." He muttered, face still kissing the ground and body splattered over the pavement.

"What're you doing here-?!"

"Obviously here to annoy you." He tried rolling his eyes.

Xiao threw a short, silent tantrum. Kaeya knew this because he could hear the stomp of his beautiful platform heels next to his head.

After a few more seconds, he helped Kaeya up, picking his body with as least care as he could display but still gently avoiding his leg.

"Why're you here asshole." He grumbled after walking some distance away.

"Hey your skateboard."

"..." Xiao stopped. Then turned and picked it up by his foot. "...thanks."

"hn."

They walked till the old house in silence. It was at a different place this time, just in front of a small river.

"Where're you takin me..." Kaeya muttered tiredly against Xiao's fluffy hair. His head was starting to feel dizzy and the fact that he couldn't recognize any of the places here just made him lose focus.

"To Master Diluc. He knows what to do with you, Jon."

Wait. Kaeya's eyes actually opened completely. Master Diluc, he was supposed to...

Kaeya tried not to gulp too hard. He was supposed to give him his eye as his side of the contract.

A small lump formed inside of his throat, Kaeya's hoping he's not going to cry soon. Maybe he's just scared of the God? That shouldn't be possible, he didn't even know of him being a God until, what felt to him, only a few hours ago.

"Did he.." Kaeya choked lightly, "Did he say something after I uh...vanished?" He carefully looked down at Xiao's face.

"Oh yeah he kinda had a scream fest after you just poofed and Ganyu had to get Master Venti, of all people, to calm him down," He almost scoffed. "which obviously didn't work..."

Kaeya gave a small nod. "...and?"

"He finished up the tray of snacks he brought you earlier which you forgot to eat. He stress eats but it never happened much with us in the mortal realm."

Well, fuck.

"Anyways," He sighed and they stopped in front of another replica of the old house but this time it was in the middle of two cafes. "it's not like you're going anywhere by the looks of it so you can just apologize over whatever he was pissed about."

Ah fuck. Right. Kaeya realized. I don't know where to go.

"Is he-um is he he always home..?"

Xiao did a half pout as he thought. "Most of the time." Then he scowled at the demon. "If you're planning on pulling off something sneaky remember I can break your other leg too. You're not leaving until you meet him."

Kaeya tried not to roll his eyes but he couldn't stop himself- "I wouldn't try to. Of course that part of people is entirely your domain of reach isn't it-ow!"

Kaeya rubbed at his side where Xiao had elbowed him before smacking the back of his head.

"Y-You-!" The shorter male tried to kick his side this time but was interrupted by the slam of a door.

The two turned to see a male clad in just an inner robe.

"M-Master Diluc," Xiao awkwardly brought his frozen leg down. "I bumped into this guy and brought him for you."

Kaeya couldn't take his eyes off of the God's flush, soft skin peeking through the front of his robe. It was tilted to one side as if he'd been sleeping on that side. The thin material tightened around just the right places, left almost nothing to the imagination. His flaming red hair was untied and messy, not really adding to the rest of his jaw dropping appearance.

It looks like a bulbasaur kissing a rock... Kaeya's eyes stayed on his hair now.

Kaeya also smacked Xiao behind his head seeing his chance.

"BASTARD YOU-"

"Bring him in." Diluc turned around, heading inside. "I'm not serving you any juice this time..." He mumbled.

Kaeya leaned on Xiao as a gesture. The boy growled(??) before accepting his fate and dragging him inside.

"Serve me some juice yeah? I wanna see how Master Diluc reacts," Kaeya snorted.

"Wha-no! I'm not going against his orders!"

"Technically he never really ordered you. Aren't you curious about what that foozled man would do?"

Xiao opened his mouth to fight back but paused because oh man, he was curious dammit.

He finally whispered shouted. "You're not charmspeaking me with your unbelievably smooth voice demon!" They were in the living room again now, right behind Master Diluc.

"Please ask Thoma to make me a coffee. Real strong." The God barely grumbled, wobbling as he sat down on a pillow. Kaeya watched amused as he tried reaching for his yukata kept beside him on a diwan but just gave up and didn't bother even retracting his hand, placing it down and leaning on it tiredly.

Xiao nodded and dropped Kaeya, not really bothering about his twisted ankle now.

As he left the room, Diluc crossed his arms into a hug and covered himself with his long sleeves. It was really breezy and inconveniently the door to the yard was wide open.

"Didn't think you'd actually come back after what you did..." he mumbled, rubbing his sides.

Kaeya rubbed the back of his head, "Ahaha... to be honest I don't remember anything after we fucked."

Diluc's mouth twitched and he looked down at the table. His hand reached into his chest and pulled out a red, dull pendant which Kaeya could easily recognize.

A vision.

"Infuse this with your powers," He placed it on the table carefully. "as part of our deal. It's pretty simple. You can return to Hell after that."

"There's a small problem with that," Kaeya hoped he wouldn't be thrown out a window.

Diluc narrowing his eyes at him only edged towards the chances of that happening.

"I don't have any."

Okay so maybe he wasn't thrown out a window.

At least, not immediately.

Chapter Text

"I just fixed your leg, don't make me break it."

"YOU BROKE IT ALREADY THOUGH BITCH YO-"

"I'm getting some coffee."

"ARE YOU SERIOUSLY IGNORING ME Y-YOU-! CAFFEINE BUSH!"

Kaeya fought against the urge to curl into a ball and roll away. That was the best insult he could think of. He studied a degradation course for a year and that's the best he could do.

"Stop screaming, it wasn't even that painful." Diluc rolled his eyes.

"Oh you wanna know how painful it was??"

The door slammed open suddenly and in ran a flustered Ganyu.

"Ma-Master Di-" she paused looking at the extra person in the room.

She seemed to share a thought with the God as she froze and stared at him with no particular expression.

"I can tell you later..." she silently scooted out towards the door.

"Ganyu you dumbass!" Xiao burst into the room before she could leave. His hair stood up in excitement and his face was an odd location for the Sun, his wide grin sending shudders across the demon's spine. Kaeya was definitely scared of him now.

Diluc raised an eyebrow at the tiny goth man who was literally vibrating to talk.

"W-Wait Xiao not-!"

"She headbutted Keqing when she tried to kiss her bahahhahah-" he wheezed while said girl groaned.

Diluc let out a small snort but Kaeya heard it.

"...how did that even happen?"

"W-Wait no-" Ganyu looked mortified and ready to bury herself right there in the middle of the room.

"So!" Xiao bounced on his heels and sat down, grinning.

"XIAO."

"So!" He said again, clapping his hands together this time, completely ignoring Ganyu. "Keqing came by to drop off some 'gifts' Mistress Ningguang sent for this dumbass- they were literally just green tea leaves she's been sending this whole month." He rolled his eyes.

"And like, Ganyu and Keqing were flirting so fucking much by the door ughhh"

"W-WE WERE TALKING NOOBUS"

"Yeah, and I fuck women. Suck ass clod. Ganyu was barely making it through the conversation huhuhhuh and it's like," Xiao groaned, "both of em know they're simping, you know?"

Ganyu was completely red now, she was hiding her face behind her palms as he went on.

"And I think Keqing finally got tired of their dumbasses and leaned in to kiss her,"

Ganyu whined. "I thought she was looking at something behind me..."

"Ganyu turned her head and fucking smashed her cheek with her forehead I-"

Diluc snorted now, crouching over the table as he wheezed silently.

It felt oddly nice.

Kaeya had been sitting quietly this whole time, watching them interact and just, sound like a family.

"Anyways, you called me to twist this demon's balls?" Xiao cracked his knuckles.

Okay nevermind-

"W-Wait wha-at-"

"No," Diluc looked disappointed. "he's lost his powers completely."

Xiao's eyes were big, in the kicked puppy way.

They stayed quiet and as much as Kaeya felt relieved, he was helped by Diluc-which didn't really go as he'd expected- and should be responsible for his words. Based on the last thing he'd heard though he had to save his butt again somehow because it didn't sound like they were joking.

"I think I can get them back though," He started, "I can't summon them at will but I can still feel them..."

All eyes were on him now. Even dying Ganyu looked interested.

"How would you do that?" Diluc raised an eyebrow.

"Wellllll ya know~" Kaeya winked at him, cue Xiao being disgusted.

"Master Diluc, I'm sure we can ask someone else, plus," Xiao scowled at the demon, "who's to say he won't run away again?"

"Hey I didn't run away!"

"Uh huh, why were you gone then after Master Diluc was done with you?"

"I-" Kaeya paused. He genuinely doesn't know. Was the voice he'd heard a dream or did he really go back to Hell?

"I don't know, I can't remember anything..."

The three seemed to be contemplating now, completely silent. Diluc's messy hair had finally sat down calmly. Kaeya wanted to touch it.

"How did you get back? Do you remember being in Hell?" Xiao asked.

Kaeya's blank face seemed to give it away. He blinked and looked at his now fixed legs. Diluc had thrown him off the roof of the house and inevitably, broken his other leg. But since he's a god and all, Kaeya's both legs had been fixed with a snap. Of course, the pain hadn't disappeared.

Kaeya's thoughts dazed off somewhere else.

"Why're y'all here and not in Celestia?"

Diluc raised an eyebrow then turned towards the bickering tweens. He looked a little apprehensive but he started, "Xiao and Ganyu..."

"We're all on vacation here."

...But why in the mortal world? There's a lot of tourism coming up in Celestia, surely it's much more comfortable there...?

Kaeya knew of this because of the big advertisement boards down in Hell, not even targetting demons but just mocking all those serving punishment down there and making them even more miserable. They're doing a pretty good job by the way.

"...Okay." Kaeya looked down at his hands. "Can I-"

"No."

Kaeya blinked. "...huh?"

"You're asking if you can stay here, aren't you? No. It'd only become troublesome for me."

Diluc sipped his tea. "The relationship between the Gods and the Underworld is clear. There's a fine line between Dainsleif and Celestia, whether he's a God or not has nothing to do with the realm in question. If Dain finds out a demon is here in the mortal realm without any purpose, and in my custody, I'll be held responsible, not you. Then I'll be put under scrutiny again of the Gods in Celestia and after going through it once, I'm not mentally ready for that."

Kaeya pouted. "Can't you hide me?"

"Bruh no-"

"Wait why're we hiding you??" Xiao finally caught up to the conversation going on. He opened his mouth again but paused, thinking his words over. "Did you destroy Satan's pants...?"

Ganyu raised her hand a little. "I-If you did, we're really sorry for you..."

"I don't think anyone even knows where he keeps them-"

"Xiao, this can't be for that." Diluc sighed. "He said he can't remember anything."

Xiao rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, either staring or glaring at Kaeya, the demon couldn't tell the difference.

The demon gulped softly. It was worth a shot. "I-If I get my powers back, will you let me stay?"

Diluc tilted his head. "If there's a guarantee we'll consider it."

"Consider?"

"Consider." And Diluc got up, walking to the yard. The three followed.

"...I'm taking a walk."

Kaeya nodded and turned around.

"Xiao, set up a room for him."

Xiao's eyes grew wide and he looked ready to throw hands but he seemed to be trying to control it. Kaeya watched, amused, as the boy nodded to himself and took deep breaths.

"Follow." He walked out the room without checking if Kaeya heard him.

Offering a smile to Ganyu, he went after Xiao.

Ganyu will have to wait for Master Diluc's attention.

An hour later Diluc walked into Kaeya's room.

"...are you trying to sneak out."

Kaeya, a leg over a window and halfway out, "Why would you think that?"

Diluc gave him a look.

"I-I'm stuck."

Helping him down, Diluc wasted no time in getting to why he's here. "We're going to the yard and checking how much of your powers can be summoned for now. "

Kaeya nodded and jumped down through the window.

Then a scream followed, "L-LAMEASS WAZOWSKI MY CAKE" And a "My bad ehe~"

When the four were all gathered in the yard, Kaeya nodded and stood up, shaking his body to warm himself up.

"Feel it from your stomach," Diluc took a bite of Ganyu's cake. "it feels slightly like a coke can bubbling up after being dropped."

"What if it's just acidity?"

"I wouldn't give you acidity so fast, you still have some time before that."

"Wait what-"

"Just take deep breaths and close your eyes. Become aware of your body."

Kaeya followed his instructions, standing in one position for a few minutes.

pbht -!

"...did you fart?" Xiao raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry, force of habit." Kaeya's concentration was broken, he sighed and rubbed his nape, shaking his now numb foot.

"Force of habit with what"

Diluc shook his head. "Xiao please no, I don't wanna hear this. Kaeya did you feel anything?"

Kaeya bit his lip. He hadn't. He could barely even recall how he summoned or used his powers down in Hell. This was suddenly a whole new domain for him.

"A little, I felt like a Sprite bottle."

"buzzing but just disappointment, that's a good sign. It's better than what we expected. For now you can-"

"Hey guys! I found a new hole for us to-" A new voice joined the four.

The person paused on noticing Kaeya, his eyes narrowing slightly while the demon's only grew wider.

"Ch-Childe?!"

Chapter Text

"I-I'm so sorry..."

The new person in the room laughed softly, the sound being much more pleasant and cute than the one Kaeya expected.

"It's alright! I understand the misunderstanding. It is kinda funny though so don't worry about it."

Kaeya nodded, embarrassed, and bit into a scone the man had bought.

Thoma, another Celestial living in the mortal realm with the God. His wavy dark, blonde, hair was tied into a cute low pony tail- his hair is much longer than Childe's. Except for his hair and his eyes, almost every feature of his resembled Childe's. Kaeya's tempted to ask when he came here from Celestia. Could he be his punishment?

Xiao cleared his throat loudly. "...How do you know Childe?" He asked the question carefully, making Kaeya raise an eyebrow.

It wouldn't be a surprise if all of them knew Childe. After all he was Satan's beelzebub. He was literally his right hand man who was always present at any and every Celestial meeting so most people would already be familiar with him. Plus his striking and charming features surely caught attention, even if they didn't know his identity. Ugh. Kaeya hated him now.

"We uh" he contemplated telling the truth, "met a buncha times. He sucked."

Xiao's eyes widened. "R-Right?!"

Kaeya was scared. He's been here for less than a day but seeing the goth gremlin this excited was too sudden.

"I-I mean yeah pshh-! Have you seen his uh lame hair?"

"Yeah! Why's it so orange?? Is he tryna pass off for a quirky Tumblr reject?"

Kaeya snorted. "And his eyes godd. They're literally wattpad eyes. "

"At least we'd know its a warning, man's a whole ass strawberry when he talks..." Xiao grumbled.

Kaeya couldn't understand the insult but it oddly fit.

Diluc shot a look. "Xiao."

Said boy got off the table. "Sorry, master Diluc."

"Anyways! Do you want some more?" Thoma reached a scone towards Kaeya and the demon really couldn't resist the puppy energy that came with it so he nodded happily.

"So what're you doing here Kaeya?"

The demon froze. "I uh"

"He's stuck here." Diluc answered. 

Thoma raised a questioning eyebrow. "You cheated in the exam?"

"I- yeah."

"Ah no wonder. I-I mean this exam was partly under the invigilation of Celestia too so the rules were much stricter. There's been some controversy over the legitimacy of the court in Hell and because there aren't many angels down there it's hard to prove anything. Plus there's been that incident with the Sins so Celestia's stepping in to try and bring Hell under control. "

Kaeya was surprised. He literally had no idea about this. Of course, this was actually announced before the exam started but our dearest Kaeya was too distracted glaring at a certain ginger head.

"How'll you be living here, Kaeya? You'll need money, a place and even a job now." Thoma looked a little worried, Kaeya almost felt like his mom was here and felt flustered.

But Thoma was right, since he stepped here he hadn't thought even once about what now? He'd just gone with the flow.

He turned to Diluc, "If I summon my powers would you pay me?"

"No."

"Fair." Kaeya admitted. "What if I work for you?"

"Like you already are?" Xiao rolled his eyes.

"No, something else. Like a," Kaeya thought for a few seconds.

"errand boy?" "maid?"

Xiao turned, clearly expressing himself with, "What the fuck Ganyu."

"Or that, yeah, if you're into it." Diluc scowled.

Okay virgin, didn't have to be rude about it.

"Thoma already helps us plenty, we don't have that much work to require two helpers."

"You never know! Today I was thrown out of Hell, tomorrow you could probably be asked to go back to Celestia, what's going to happen here in your place with uh whatever you do?"

"You don't know what I'm doing here."

"But I could learn."

Diluc sighed. "No. Look, you can live here till you're able to summon enough of your powers for the vision. You don't have to get a job or anything. After your work here is done, however, you'll probably have to. You can leave after that."

Kaeya grinned. "Okay!"

That's what Diluc said at least. The next morning however...

"Kaeya, wake up! Let's clean the house today!"

Huh? Kaeya was all groggy from sleeping late last night. The man had walked around the place, exploring and somehow came back around 3 in the morning. The demon had no sense of time, courtesy of Hell of course. Plus, the falling. The endless falling. Without his powers he couldn't float to places and man, Kaeya was ready to cry. Not used to actually using his feet, every few seconds he'd sit down wherever he got tired or lie in the same spot he'd tripped and fallen on.

He hissed feeling the sunlight fall directly on his face. 

And yeah, that's another problem. 

There's a fucking Sun here.

Kaeya sat up slowly and stared at Thoma.

"Good morning Kaeya! Hope you slept well." Thoma beamed. 

Kaeya couldn't match this level of energy. He nodded and got out of bed, trodding towards the bathroom first. When he was done with brushing his teeth and a bath, he walked to the living room, at least what he assumed it was.

"Huh?" In front of him was a staircase. There wasn't supposed to be a staircase. This was a one floor house.

He walked down and wandered around, looking for anyone.

"Hey Kaeya you're awake now. I made some pancakes and omelets. The pancakes don't have eggs in case that's your preference."

"No uh I'm fine with either. What happened to the house...?"

Thoma tilted his head in question before realizing. "Ah that! We need to keep moving so we don't arouse any suspicion. The house changes its layout too for that, but don't be too overwhelmed. Inside you'd only see a random staircase appear somewhere, the rest would be the same. Now, do you want strawberries or blueberries?"

Kaeya picked blueberries. Strawberries gave him a dreadful feeling.

"If you want you can stay put for some time. We can start the cleaning in a few minutes."

Why're we cleaning? Doesn't the house maintain itself? I don't wannaaaaaa

And even though that's what Kaeya felt like, the second Thoma walked in with a maid outfit, he changed his mind.

"To get you into the cleaning mood Xiao suggested you wear this. I bought a pair so we could match!" 

Kaeya looked around to glare at Xiao but innardly, he was thanking the boy. He could get a chance to fuck Diluc again.

Xiao wasn't there. Huh.

Anyways, there they were, matching maid outfits and all. Just dusting the cupboards and shelves of the house. And boy were there many.

Kaeya was surprised the house was just filled with so much stuff and yet was maintained so well. Surely because of Thoma because the man looked so happy while he cleaned, almost like a Disney princess. Kaeya now wanted to know if he could summon animals by singing. Except, Kaeya wanted to know what he was humming. He knew he'd heard it before. Probably some song from Satan's Christmas album, most of them were ripped-off Celestia samples anyways. 

"Hey Thoma have you seen my- what the fuck" Diluc was by the yard, holding a small shoe box.

Kaeya smirked."Good morning, Master Diluc."

It was clear the God had trouble thinking of his next words because he just stared at Kaeya for a minute.

Then he turned and walked away.

"Wha" 

That was strange. But this is Kaeya intruding on a regular household, who knew how they felt having a disaster catalyst living with them.

"Hey could you tell me what he asked? I couldn't hear him properly." Thoma frowned, peeking from behind the door.

"He didn't say anything."

Thoma looked at Kaeya for a few seconds then hummed in response.

They cleaned the rooms one by one, working in silence and focus. Plus even if Kaeya wanted to chat he wasn't sure what to tall about. Even more so, Thoma made Kaeya feel unsettling. The man was really sweet and almost made Kaeya want to go to therapy about his previous life's dysfunctional family problems but something really gave chills about him.

It felt like he'd met Thoma before. And this isn't Kaeya mistaking him for Childe again. Kaeya could almost recall seeing him somewhere, the black horns on his forehead, the toothy grin, the really polite behavior. It was way too familiar.

"Hey Thoma," He started. "have we met before?"

Thoma stopped humming. There was a small pause before he answered, "Do you think we've met before, Kaeya?"

An ominous question. Kaeya hates it. 

Nevertheless, he replies, "Yeah, I guess."

He heard a small chuckle. "Then we must have."

Kaeya blinked.

What does he mean by that?

Kaeya opened his mouth to question him when the door suddenly slammed open. 

"Xiao?"

"Thoma, where's Ganyu?" He panted. "Something weird's happening."

The gremlin looked like he'd ran here in a hurry, his hair was tousled messily as if the wind had ruthlessly fucked its way through his locks. Besides that, it was hard to miss the seaweed-colored, elegant polearm in his hand. This was a weapon of Celestia.

"Ganyu left home an hour ago, is something wrong?"

"There's a shit-ton of Hollows outside."

Kaeya raised an eyebrow. "Aren't Hollows everywhere?"

Xiao turned.

"There's never been Hollows here."

Chapter Text

Diluc walked in right then, hair glowing from the sun and just looking like an absolute fairy.

"Job ended early? What happened, Xiao?"

Kaeya then noticed the Celestial was dressed in a tight tank top with a mosaic shirt and ripped jeans. And then his eyes went to the most important part,

"Xiao, why do you have a gun?"

The boy looked at the black, holster hiding under his loose shirt as if he forgot it existed and just shrugged.

"Forget that," His anxious eyes returned to Diluc."Master Diluc, there's a tear in the realm. Hollows are breaking into this area and I can't find any source behind it. The Gate is also closed, I'm not sure where they could be coming from." At the last line, Xiao glanced at Kaeya. Of course, the only anomaly that had occurred this entire time...

Diluc looked surprised.

That meant this wasn't normal.

"How many holes did you find?"

Xiao looked down. "seven"

He turned around, meeting Kaeya's eyes just briefly. "Thoma, contact Keqing. Tell her about the situation and ask her to send my claymore."

Thoma looked apprehensive but nodded and left the room.

Diluc turned to Kaeya, "Stay inside the barrier." And then walked outside, jumping over the fence and disappearing from view.

Xiao pulled out a key chain, a plastic monkey. "If by chance, something bad happens, press his nose." Kaeya looked at the tiny red button the poor, plastic monkey had for a nose.

"Only," Xiao stressed,"if something bad happens. Don't touch it otherwise. "

Kaeya nodded.

Xiao stared at him with a blank look for a few more seconds before snorting lightly and hurrying out the door.

This little shit-

Kaeya looked around the now empty room. Thoma had run away and Kaeya didn't see where. He wandered around the rooms, looking for the man. Passing by the demon cell, a black door with a 'do not disturb' sign- surely Xiao's- then the biggest door in the house, and a wall where a door should've been.

Kaeya was curious but thinking about the Leashes outside, he felt he'd be shameless invading their rooms right now.

I'm a demon though, it doesn't matter heh

He beelined to Xiao's room.

Opening the door, he came across an unexpected but not really surprising interior. If a tiktoker and a cosplayer who was also a gamer and a cult leader had a room of their own, it'd look like Xiao's. Except, a demon wasn't supposed to be part of any of those.

"Hey there, Kaeya," a teasing, sultry voice filled the empty room. "how's your sorry ass doing here?"

Diluc glared at the Celestials working by his side. They were clearly intimidated by the god but for justified reasons. One of them had fallen off a roof at least twice, and this was only one of the roofs we're talking about. The other one kept staring at random places while he did his job, getting hit in the face too because of that.

Diluc wanted to throw his slipper at the boy but he couldn't, this is the last pair he has of the limited edition.

Plus, Keqing hadn't sent his claymore which meant he'd have to use what basic powers he had in this world. Sure, it was still a lot for a regular Celestial here but it'd been too long since the god had used his divine weapon and he was kinda missing the feel of it.

"Watch out, Master Diluc!" The boy screamed before getting whacked in the face by a branch. 

Diluc sighed. A flash and a thorn the size of a bus tore through the being in front of the God. The dark form of the Leash disintegrated and disappeared into the atmosphere.

He got up from the chimney he was seated on. This was no time to be worrying about the Celestials. Closing his eyes he tried to sense the closest Leashes that had appeared in the area. He took a deep breath before more thorns tore through multiple parts of the neighborhood simultaneously. The two Celestials almost froze seeing the sheer power of the God in front of them. This wasn't even his entire capacity and yet, they could only wonder how long it'd take for them to be at this level.

The boy's big weapon smashed into the last of the Leashes they could see here. No doubt about it, there shouldn't be any of them here now. At least until for another ten minutes.

Diluc looked at the crack in the sky just above them. It was starting to slowly close. The girl dropped her bow, cracking her neck.

"Thank you for your help, Master Diluc. Reinforcements should be arriving anytime now. We'll take over this task." 

Diluc turned to the two. He looked them up before saying, "I'll finish my job and leave. Let reinforcements arrive, they can take over once they're here."

The girl pursed her lips but had no choice but to nod. 

"Then we'll get started on the holes farthest from here. Thank you for your help, Master Diluc." 

The girl bowed before turning to leave. They jumped off of the roof they were on, running over the roofs quickly. The boy dropped the popsicle he was holding, cried for five seconds then ran behind his partner.

Diluc looked at a crack in the ground some distance away. It was the biggest of all-just a deep pit of nothingness. If he could close it, most of the danger would be gone.

This was very possible, easy even, for a regular God.

Except no hollows emerged from the hole.

It was just, there.

For a crack that big, there had to be at least a few Magnum Corrs that could fit through it.

That'd make a mess. Diluc brushed his hair away.  

He went towards it. 

Since all leashes and celestials are only elemental and celestial life forms, they can't be seen by the naked eye. At least, not by humans.

There's a line between the human world and the Celestial world. It hides the Celestial world from the humans and makes them perceive them in a believable and realistic way. While Leashes could make changes to the human world, it would often create glitches to bring it back to its original state. However, the longer the hollows stayed here, the more energy they sucked from this world, and the more stronger they got.

Because of this, it was possible to affect humans too.

The Leash Diluc had mentioned earlier, Magnum Corr, was one of its classifications. The first one.

Leashes that have stayed in the mortal world for too long are capable of entering the Null zone by will- a realm without any celestial or humans.

And that's where they're coming from right now.

Diluc's eyes turned towards where the two Celestials had headed to. They were powerful but didn't seem very confident.

The area was still clear, no signs of a hollow emerging anytime soon. The god leaned on a wall, just in front of the hole.

He had to wait and make sure whatever came out didn't stay for too long. As long as-

Diluc flinched.

A loud screech. Ear-shattering as it ripped through the air, breaking the street lights around. Lasting for about ten seconds and man, Diluc was glad the two celestials were away from the source.

But then came another.

Diluc turned, eyes widening lightly.

It was from a different direction.

Returning to the problem at hand, he touched the ground, trying to sense how close or far the hollow was. No doubt about it, it was a Magnum Corr.

Diluc's focus didn't last too long though. He felt the surrounding change slowly and looked up.

What...?

The house.

His house was right in front of the crack now.

Chapter Text

"how's your sorry ass doing here?"

Kaeya blinked. It took him a few seconds to compose himself because what. The. Actual. Fuck.

"What" he blinked again, shaking his head slightly,"are you doing here...?" Then he leaned forward reaching to smack the demon, "you're here right?"

"Ow, yes babe, I'm here." The demon rolled his eyes and whacked Kaeya back. "There was a signal sent earlier for some hollow outbreak but you know, they've had it under control from the start." He scoffed. "Celestia, so inefficient."

Kaeya was surprised. "There was a signal to Hell? Wasn't it supposed to be sent to Celestia?"

The shorter demon jumped off the bed he was sitting on, messing the covers. "Yeah, Satan had to get off his chair to check."

Kaeya raised his eyebrows.

"Wait, Xingqiu," He pulled himself together. "What're you doing here?"

The male, Xingqiu, one of Kaeya's only friends, smacked him behind his head.

Before Kaeya could retort the demon had retreated to the window. "You were short listed. Right from the third round, dumbass."

Whoa damn-

Kaeya's eyes went big.

"But because of the last round they had to hold a whole new test. Something about the integrity of the examination and bull. Celestia took over the final round and started with a whole new set of people."

"Get to the point."

Xingqiu's choppy, blue hair bounced as he grinned widely, sticking his nose in the air. "This bish passed."

Kaeya wasn't surprised.

Back in Hell, Xingqiu was literally worshipped for his fan fiction database. And what does that mean? He's read at least a thousand books including one direction wattpad fanfics. The man wrote for a living and basically being an intellectual.

Xingqiu could find out at least half your personality traits and it'd be the half you didn't even know.

Also, the man was really annoying. Kaeya has had to physically use his feet many times in Hell and it's all because of Xingqiu. Mainly.

"Sike."

Xingqiu flicked a book to his face.

"Be happy, man cmon! Now I get to come where whenever I want. I can probably slip you back in without being noticed. Yanfei noticed there's a hole in the food system and now the entire first block is down bahahhah"

Kaeya's ears didn't fail him. Xingqiu, of all people, said he could slip him in without being noticed. That guaranteed the possibility.

"How would you do that?"

The demon's blue hair shifted to one side. It was really distracting, Kaeya couldn't take his eyes off of it.

"So you don't wanna live here, huh? I did think seducing a God would be a little too hard for you."

"Wha-"

"I mean, it's okay though. Satan would understand, so you can probably-"

Kaeya stuttered. "Wait wait wait, I'm not seducing him!"

"I-I made him a deal earlier, I'm doing that..."

Xingqiu lifted an eyebrow, not believing him. "Uh huh. Since when do people make deals with demons? Does he even trust you'd help? He could be behind the experiments too, you know? Have you talked properly about what you're even supposed to help with?"

"Stop being a bitch, Xingqiu. I'm not a kid. We discussed s-stuff and I'm leaving the second I'm done with the job." Kaeya's eyes flicked to the side.

Xingqiu didn't say anything next. He produced a book and nocked it open with a thumb.

"When the resident of this room comes back, tell him he's been watering a plastic plant." Then he chuckled lightly. "or wait, don't."

Kaeya ran a hand through his hair then turned to walk out. He didn't feel like exploring the house now.

"I'm eating their fridge, do you want anything?"

Xingqiu was gone.

Little shit.

Then came a huge thud and the house started to shake. Kaeya swerved against a wall, it's shelves instantly knocking down on him. The earthquake lasted for just ten seconds until the demon could finally open his eyes.

They widened. Kaeya looked at the barrier he'd created around himself unknowingly and poked it. It disappeared immediately.

Guess he could summon his magic back.

It could be anytime now and Diluc had only two ideas. One, jump into the hole and destroy it from the inside or two, wait for the first hollows to come out and destroy them without letting them out. Both had a high chance of him accidentally fucking with the barrier of his house. Not like the house mattered or anything, but he'd left the vision inside. And there was a untrustworthy demon inside who could possibly help him.

Diluc pulled a side of his yukata's neck, pulling out a small but thick notepad from his doraemon of a robe.

He bit his finger and peeled out a few layers of skin, enough for blood drops to seep out.

He was making a talisman.

As long as he could affect only the hollows, he was okay. If he accidentally created a crater in this realm, he'd definitely have to return to Celestia and explain himself and he really doesn't want to hear that stupid bard's voice anytime soon.   

Flicking the talisman away, it hovered over the grumbling pit for a few seconds before slowly lowering down.

If his memory's good, the talisman would work. The god hadn't used one in at least a millenia. The last time he had, there was a tornado in Celestia that sucked only mora from everyone. Not that it was completely bad or anything, Ningguang was entertained that's for sure.

A blast resonated in the atmosphere. 

Diluc flicked a branch away as it aimed for his face.

Okay so the talisman didn't help. Not much at least.

The hole grew bigger, cracks formed around it, threatening to suck in the house just in front of his.

Diluc groaned and stretched his legs before jumping, right into the hole.

Fuck this.

Kaeya wasn't sure about how the house worked but being in front of a massive hole in the ground definitely was a bad sign, right...??

Plus, when he saw Diluc hop into it like it was a fucking ball pit, he was kinda concerned now.

Like, Kaeya didn't care about what happened to any of them, they didn't seem to like him anyways. It's just he wasn't sure he could take care of their house if they die or something. Popping up in new places every time wasn't how he pictured his stay in here.

He used another braincell.

Eh, he'll figure it out, it's not that big of a problem.

Munching on lettuce, he turned around, skipping in his maid dress.

Not for long though.

Of course something had to ruin his time now too. There was an explosion and the next thing he knew, the house was half broken, smoke and fire taking over half of the building.

A few creaks followed and when they finally stopped, he realized what was the cause behind this.

Chains clinked and dangled from the air. A formless black body with a hollow, cylindrical bone in the chest came into view.

It was a leash.

And by the looks of it, it hadn't eaten in a long time.

Chapter Text

If Kaeya had to think about what genre his life could be, it wouldn't be shoujo. Or horror.

Or even fantasy for that matter. But this was before he died and discovered a whole new world.

But why was Kaeya thinking of this now? Because his life was in fucking danger and no logical explanation could be given as to why this sudden genre change occurred.

If he had his old body he could've used his basic powers to at least defend himself, but now? He had no idea what regular people did to save themselves.

Why? BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO AREN'T I SUPPOSED TO BE HUMAN??? WHAT PART OF THIS IS A HUMAN'S AVERAGE EXPERIENCE

Poor Kaeya was a sheltered basic bitch who tried to be qUiRKy in his last life.

He knew the monstrosity had seen him because it stepped right towards him. Kaeya edged back slowly.

Am I really dying in a maid dress?

Then he remembered. The key chain Xiao left him.

His hand frantically searched through the pocket of his apron, only to lay in there in dead disappointment.

It's in Xiao's room...!!

He glanced at the collapsing staircase and after another look at the advancing hollow, made a run for it. Not before throwing a plank at it of course.

The demon struggled up the stairs, trying to run fast while also try not to stab himself in the foot with the broken remains.

The hollow hadn't developed much but it knew an escaping human if it saw one. So it chased.

Kaeya screeched when his leg flew off of the last step and dangled in the searing hold of the monster. It's fluid arms(?) had reached through the rails, clawing at the demon's leg like melting iron. Visually it looked like the leash could fit in the questionable kinks section of Hell but physically it felt like it fucking belonged in Hell.

It took all of Kaeya to not cry at that very moment. It did not sit well with the demon's subconscious to cry at the hands of a leash who'd possibly just had their heart broken over a video game or something.

He reached out a hand, praying to all the gods watching him right now. And zap.

He fucked up the hollow's mask.

A spark of magic shot out of his palm and hit the leash right on its mask, cracking it instantly and shattering.

The Universe didn't want him to die today.

This one part of Kaeya's brain that he didn't know whether to hate, spoke uselessly. Or the Universe is a bitch and is waiting to kill me off in the coldest way possible.

The demon flinched and crawled up the remaining stairs, getting the key chain anyways. Who knew what other stronger monsters waited.

Without hesitation, Kaeya pressed the button and a loud buzz rang through the room. The demon flinched and almost dropped the key chain.

He hissed. "Fucking hell..."

The air around him shifted and before he could brace himself, he was body slammed with the weight of an entire human and fell. Not alone.

Xiao was on his lap.

The celestial didn't react to the compromising position and looked at Kaeya, expression blank.

"g-get off..." The demon grunted but Xiao didn't move.

Finally- "I knew this would happen, I could've just shown you the switch instead but I gave a key chain. I knew the consequences of pressing the button."

"Xiao I'm ignoring our sexual tension, please get off."

The celestial picked himself up and dusted his pants. From the looks of it, he'd been fighting. Kaeya doesn't know if he zapped him here in the middle of it. He hoped whatever the case, there were no follow ups tagged with the celestial.

Xiao's pants were ripped now, mud stains covering them. His gun was no longer there and he held another, longer weapon in his hand now. Zhongli's dic-

Surprisingly Xiao's hair looked the same as it did when he came home in a hurry. Sleek and very much anime main character vibes.

"Why did you press the-" He paused and then gave the demon a look over.

"huh, that went well for you."

"You're saying that only because I'm not dead yet."

"Yeah. Anyways why do you need me- oh."

Xiao seemed slow at realizing stuff but at least Kaeya didn't have to use his mouth now.

A broken plank of wood dropped from the ceiling.

"I can't revert the house back but you can stick with me while I work. The hole next to us hasn't closed yet so I'm not sure how safe it'd be here right now."

Great. Kaeya could finally experience a bring your kids to work day.

The demon shrugged and followed the celestial out. Until he leaped onto a building and naruto-ran.

What. How'd he actually do it so well, Kaeya's thinking about the naruto-running.

After five minutes of struggle, the man had finally climbed onto a roof where Xiao was patiently waiting.

"Little shit."

Xiao looked at the sky, distracted and Kaeya turned too because what'd gotten the Celestial's entire attention?

He stared harder because human eyes suck.

And then he saw it. Flashes of the sky. The sky was kinky.

...That wasn't it don't worry dear reader.

There was movement but the demon could barely follow it and the only sign that something really was there was the light that came from whatever magic was being used. Within a few seconds, the light stopped and a hole in the sky closed up.

"Who's that?"

Xiao blinked and finally turned to the demon. It looked like he was contemplating actually telling him before he just shook his head.

"Nobody."

"That your boyfriend or sum'n?"

Xiao flinched and Kaeya just had to smirk. He couldn't help it seeing the little gremlin actually respond like this.

"W-What no way. He's not my boyfriend, don't be stupid."

"Mhm~"

"I will gut you with my stick."

"Kinky"

Xiao whacked the demon's back and nyoomed away, hopping on roof after roof leading to the farthest and the only remaining crack in the sky. Now only Diluc would have to be done for everything to be back to normal.

"Take this." Xiao produced a sword from air, handing it to the demon.

"Don't try anything funny. Use it to defend yourself."

Humming in response, Kaeya didn't have any time to say anything before he realized the Sirius impersonator had grabbed his waist and astral projected somewhere. Kaeya's very curious, can all celestials do this? Why???

I can't D":

He glanced at Xiao's receding figure, leaping and driving his polearm through the mask of a leash, disintegrating it almost instantly.

His attacks weren't flashy. Nothing like the ones they were looking at earlier.

And as if the course of events couldn't be any more convenient, the largest slash of lightning(?) erupted from nowhere and struck every hollow in one shot.

Kaeya couldn't breathe. He'd fallen from the sudden burst and hadn't noticed he was holding his breath.

When the smoke cleared away, he could finally make out the figure of a boy. Standing just in front of him.

"Hi Xiao! I-!"

Xiao was gone. Whoosh.

Chapter Text

"Oh hi there! Are you okay? You look very hurt..." The person looked so worried Kaeya wanted to kick them. It annoyed him.

"I'm okay." He forcibly smiled. "Who're you?"

They reached a hand forward, helping the demon to his feet.

"I'm Aether, a for real magicboy sent from Celestia. I'm here to help you with the hollows! Although seeing the situation now, I doubt you'd need any. Everything's almost done." He pouted lightly.

"Did you uh" He scratched his cheek. "Was there anyone with you here?"

Ah.

Ah. Kaeya tried not to grin.

"You mean Xiao?" The boy perked up. "He's-"

"Meow"

They turned to the side, only to see a black cat licking its paw.

"Missy!" Aether squealed and picked up the cat without any hesitation.

Kaeya couldn't say anything.

Xiao is a cat.

"W-Who...?"

Aether rubbed his face on the cat's tummy. "This adorable cat."

At that moment his face lost full control from his mind and actively grimaced at Xiao the emo magic cat being tickled.

Is this guy stupid?

Kaeya's read enough fan fiction to just know this was Xiao. Also the weird green streaks Xiao has on his hair also showed up on the cat's fur. It's black fur glowed with the greenish tint.

"Mmwah~" Aether was kissing his forehead. Aether was kissing Xiao's forehead.

It was almost as if the cat glitched and froze completely. As much as Kaeya wanted to watch this gay mess, he was hurting and also very cold. The rips in his dress were too big and the sky was turning dark.

"That's Master Diluc's cat right?" He half-assedly lied. Right now, saying anything is fine for him just so he could go back.

"No," Aether was giving the cat a back massage. "it's Xiao's. He found it in Celestia and brought it here with him. I can see why~"

The cat mewed. No, scratch that. Xiao fucking mewed.

"Uh so I'm gonna have to leave. Thanks for the help by the way." Kaeya gave up on rescuing Xiao.

"Bye bye..." he climbed off the roof slowly, into a balcony.

"Ah! Take her too!" Aether skipped with Xiao and placed it on Kaeya's head. "Take care celestial, I hope to see you again!" Aether finger saluted the demon and nyoomed into a portal he produced with a snap.

Kaeya jumped off the building, holding Xiao the cat to his chest now.

"Sike-"

"Put me down." Xiao grumbled.

Kaeya dropped him almost instantly.

Xiao had turned back to his human form, rosy tint on his cheeks. The celestial threw his polearm in the air, disappearing it back to wherever it came from.

"If you open your mouth, I'm throwing you off a roof."

Kaeya looked at the man for a few seconds, opting to stay silent as an answer. But, you know, he was bad and stuff.

So he hip rolled the celestial off a roof first.

Cue Kaeya snickering and running for dear life.

"Hey is Master Diluc-kyah-!"

Kaeya fell over Ganyu and absolutely shattered his anime waifu fetish of 'ara ara'.

"I SWEAR ON MY BU- Ah." Xiao paused and looked at the fallen figures. Ganyu had painfully fallen on her behind, dropping the items she was holding. Kaeya carefully picked himself up then helped her with her stuff. 

He clicked his tongue, "Sheesh Missy, so unhelpful." 

Xiao blinked and looked at the demon, not saying anything.

"Who's here?" He asked, turning to Ganyu.

The girl pursed her lips as she dusted her jeans. "Celestials. Keqing sent some here to help us and they wanted to thank Master Diluc before leaving."

"Why can't they just tell you to pass a message."

Xiao gave Kaeya a look, obviously indicating his displeasure at the sentence. "It's called being polite."

"Mhm."

The three went in, Kaeya bee-lining for his room unlike the other two who headed to the living room. He noticed the house had been reverted back to the original state it was in, no fire or broken roof, no scratches or holes. It was back to the how it looked the first time Kaeya had come here, a one storeyed traditional wooden house. 

Kaeya walked to his room to change and hopefully take a bath but the next second he stopped, very quietly.

Master Diluc was on the floor, panting softly and bleeding a little on his arm.

Kaeya turned around, hoping he wasn't noticed but the floor chose to moan at the moment he took a step.

Fuck

"Whoa you're hurt." He walked to on the god, accepting his fate. Then stepped around the man. "I'm going to take a bath."

And that was the end of it.

It should've been.

"Stop."

Diluc's voice was a little droopy but it still held the strong way it dominated the air. The air's a bottom.

"What happened to the house" He stared into Kaeya's void of a soul. "how did the hollows break through the barrier?"

It almost sounded like he suspected Kaeya was behind this. No, it completely sounded like he suspected Kaeya. That's mean.

"I dunno bro, I almost died a second time." he turned to leave again but Diluc once again was the cockblocker.

"You didn't see the barrier break...?"

Kaeya shrugged. Diluc was being annoying and the man really wanted to just relax for sometime. Taking the God's pause as a cue to escape, he closed the door behind him, collapsing into the single bed he slept in which surprisingly felt like heaven. Maybe it's because it's a bed from Celestia. Yeah probably that.

However after just a few minutes a knock on his window interrupted.

The demon groaned.

"Wakey wakey~" his window opened. "I'm here to-"

Kaeya recognised the voice so this wasn't a big reveal that he was in a beauty and the beast au instead.

"why're you in a maid costume? I didn't think too much of it earlier but now you seem a little too attached to the maid kink. Do we need to talk about stuff-"

"Why're you here, Xingqiu? The work's over." Kaeya groaned.

"Ungrateful shit."

"Ow."

"I brought you a gift. Thought you'd need it here."

Kaeya looked down at his stomach where a FUCKING POUCH OF WHITE POWDER SAT AND WHAT THE ACTUAL FUC-

"Ah. Wait stop widening your eyes like that, eye I mean, I don't even know never mind. It's not what you think it is." The other sighed. "You'll recall everything soon enough. For now, hide it somewhere nobody can find it. Be careful."

Kaeya's eyes were still blown wide as his friend jumped off his window.

Should I be concerned???

Sure the underworld was bad and stuff but Kaeya wasn't bad enough for cocaine. Drugs are bad, kids.

While Kaeya stared uselessly at the packet, outside Master Diluc and the celestials were in talks.

"I-I think I'll have to report him but maybe no action will be taken...?" The celestial rubbed the ends of her gloves together."If he was sent here, they could assume he's here on official business."

Xiao suppressed the urge to scoff and roll his eyes. Instead he grimaced.

"I can try to just not say it, but um," she looked nervous now, "Keqing can still find out from the records of the others, if they've noticed too. And it may look like I held back information..."

Her partner had found an ice cream and currently was in the process of devouring it while his colleague had a potential breakdown. He patted her back in comfort and offered her a bite.

Diluc had joined them in the living room now. "I understand."

Xiao entered with juice.

Something seemed to strike the celestial and she froze at the sight. Diluc tried to glance at where she might've looked.

"What's that....?" She asked carefully, as if it was something she'd never seen before.

Xiao furrowed his eyebrows, offended at being referred to as a 'that'.

"what a colour, how does it move like that," she crouched over the table, staring dazedly into the glasses of whatever soda Xiao had brought for them.

"Why don't you have a sip? Taste it." Diluc raised an eyebrow, charmed.

The celestial's eyes grew big at the thought of ingesting the magical concoction.

The girl carefully gripped the glass with both hands, testing a small sip of it. Then her eyes blew wide in pure innocent shock because what the actual fuck, do celestials have no concept of soda?

Xiao wasn't surprised, having had the same reaction the first time he'd tried it when the three had sulkily stepped into this world. Poor kid had no thoughts about a better coping mechanism, went straight to it- bought at least a hundred fucking sodas that month. And this was before he found out about the existence of vending machines. That's another addiction.

"I think we have some more of that," Ganyu helpfully chimed in, realizing where this was going.

When Master Diluc tried making deals with new celestials, it usually didn't go well because he has the grasping level of a boomer. However, now that Xiao and Ganyu helpfully shared this insight, they usually felt proud whenever he took a page from their book. Now was one of those times. Ganyu was the one talking because Xiao was in shock.

"can I," the celestial nervously raised her hand, "can I have some more of the bubble juice...?" The glass she'd drank from now sat empty and steaming.

Ganyu smiled. "Bubble juice is for cooperators."

Xiao gulped softly.

Ganyu has massive big dick energy.

Chapter Text

Kaeya woke up sweating and panting.

And not in the way he liked it.

He couldn't remember what exactly he'd dreamt of but something had his chords tied up in a knot as he coughed and gasped for blessed air. It got to the point where Xiao burst into the room, ready to complain about the questionable noises before it dawned on him.

Kaeya was having a panic attack.

Ten minutes later, once Kaeya had calmed down and downed a glass of water, he felt it.

The last thread in him slowly pulling away with each second.

Xiao finally spoke

"Your," he paused, "your powers seem to have returned."

Kaeya cleared his throat, frowning but then he noticed where Xiao's eyes were directed. His hand touched the side of his forehead, feeling the end of a hard, ribbed horn. His fingers caressed it, unbelieving his original form was back.

Am I horny what the fuck-

Xiao's eyes suddenly lit up and he left the room in a hurry.

When he returned, Master Diluc was with him. He shouldn't have. He shouldn't have returned.

"OH FUCKING BPFGSH-"

"Ah you're back," Kaeya mused, pulling his hand out of his pants casually. But he was frowning, just a little- eyebrows tense and a corner of his lips pointed downwards.

"Your powers are back," Diluc noticed, not very displaced. 

"Ah right," Kaeya got up, "they are huh,"

The thread had snapped.

He grinned slowly, raising a hand and watching the blue sparks of his powers flicker over his fingers. "actually, I don't think I want to do this anymore."

"Kaeya," Diluc warned.

"I mean, you broke my leg yanno? And y'all don't even treat me properly,"

Xiao stepped forward. "Master Diluc I'll-" 

"Ah the adorable lackey, Xiao so loyal~ I really thought we were bonding. If you weren't such a kissass I'm sure we'd have gotten along," his smile fell. "bitch."

Diluc subtly produced a talisman. If shit hit the fan he could just knock Kaeya out. Or temporarily turn him into a tadpole. Whichever one's decided by destiny or whatever.

He wasn't wrong, they had been treating him pretty badly. But it wasn't like he was the brightest colour in the rainbow either. The demon had started this whole train of mistrust, and the last thing Diluc wanted was to be on the receiving end of his sword.

Diluc's thinking had him skip out on most of what Kaeya was rambling so the next time he tuned in,

"-Childe does have wattpad eyes and you know why?? He's a fucking nugget hoe that's why!-"

Diluc glanced at Xiao who looked confused by the second. That makes two of them. Poor kid.

Initially, the possibility of a demon bumping into them in the mortal world did exist, however, Diluc didn't count on it actually happening because they were SUPPOSED TO BE IN A CELESTIAL BARRIER NINGGUANG HOW TF-

Uh.

Yeah.

"Okay, enough gobble" Kaeya cracked his knuckles and raised his hands, smirking at the electrifying sensation of his powers return. He's gonna hit them so hard.

One jerk of his arms and they're done. At least, not done done. But more like 'I can escape now hehe' done.

It wasn't either.

Nothing happened.

Kaeya's eyes ( or eye...?) went big and he froze, staring at his outstretched hands before dropping.

The sparks had vanished.

"Well damn." He shrugged and walked past them, out the door.

"What no shut the fuck up, get your ass back here" Xiao snapped out of the shock. He brought out his polearm, ready to stab the demon in the butt. 

"Is there a problem?" Kaeya blinked. Or winked. Who knows.

Diluc gave a two finger swipe and boom, the talisman disappeared with a hit to the demon's body and Kaeya's a... a baby.

The god didn't expect that.

"Waa...?" Baby Kaeya said.

"Master Diluc you turned him into a baby??" Xiao stated the obvious. 

Master Diluc didn't respond, just stared at baby Kaeya in horror. The god hadn't seen a baby in a few millenia and he didn't want to now either. How did he turn Kaeya into a baby?

"Bptf!" Baby Kaeya blew a raspberry.

Xiao turned to baby Kae, "I promise you, whatever tricks you're planning, I will-"

"Xiao?" Ganyu walked on them. "what're you doing- uh -?" She noticed the baby.

"Is that,"

"Yes." The celestial grumbled.

Ganyu crouched in front of Kaeya. "Can he even understand us?"

They stared at a baby Kaeya grab his toes and roll onto his back.

"Keep a watch on him." Diluc escaped. But not before,

"AHHHHHH THERE'S- THERE'S-"

Diluc stopped but didn't turn.

"Master Diluc?" Ganyu called out carefully."Can you please head to the grocery store...?"

He turned.

"NO PLEASE DON'T LOOK AT-"

He turned anyways.

On the floor were Ganyu and Xiao, crouching in grief while Xiao held up a baby Kaeya. His eyes went lower and he realized the situation.

Diluc snorted.

"He peed on you..." Xiao closed his eyes as if mentally going 'I should've just knocked him out'. "I'll head to the store and get some uh diapers."

Diluc tried not to smile as he walked to the closest store.

When the shameless god returned,

"Hey I brought the diapers-"

Xiao trudged to the entrance, bunny slippers squeaking and eyeliner smudged. "He switched forms," He almost grumbled. "he's a girl whore now..."

"Nah he turned into a bunny." Ganyu chimed from the living room.

Xiao sighed. "He's a bunny whore now..."

Diluc pursed his lips. "I brought ice cream."

Ten minutes into uselessly taping a diaper onto the now bunny Kaeya, the three sat on the yard porch, eating ice cream. 

"He pooped on me..." Ganyu sniffled.

Almost as if replying, bunny Kaeya hopped onto her lap and moved its bigass nose. Of course, Ganyu was weak to cute things and couldn't stop herself from petting his soft black fur.

"At least he can't talk." Xiao murmured, recalling girl Kaeya.

Then he pooped on her lap again, through the legholes in the diaper, and ran into the house for escape.

"Aghhhhh"

There was a thud and a crash. Diluc's cutlery better not be involved.

"WHY AM I IN A DIAPER WHAT THE FUCK-"

Xiao turned to Diluc. "If he's back, what are we doing with him? It's clear he's not willing to help us. Can't we just..." Xiao gestured a picking and flicking movement.

The god sighed. 

"No. He'll die, I don't want any more trouble than this."

"How'll we find him then...?"

Diluc pursed his lips, hoping he had an answer. But there really were no other ideas he had. If only another lowkey demon could appear.

Behind them, Kaeya had entered the room in nothing but a diaper. 

"Hey you, why am I in a diaper?" He turned to Ganyu who was eating a pie.

The poor celestial had changed thrice already(girl Kaeya had peed on her too) and was in no condition to talk to the demon, but she swallowed and gathered herself.

"I dunno, ask Xiao" she mumbled, looking away.

The other celestial raised his eyebrows, doubts taking over. "Wait," he got up, summoning his polearm yet again. "you don't remember anything?"

The demon's frowning answered his question. 

"What about the time earlier, today morning...?" Xiao asked carefully, glancing at Master Diluc.

Kaeya bit his lip. "So that wasn't a dream huh..."

The three celestials waited.

Kaeya rubbed his nape sheepishly and looked down. "Xiao," Said person blinked, surprised. "I'm so sorry..."

Xiao was even more surprised now. The demon apologizing? Bullshit. There was no way he would be. 

Unless... he's realized his mistake?

Maybe Kaeya did understand how much they needed his help.

"I can't accept your feelings."

Hah?

Ganyu placed her plate down in shock. Not like she didn't foresee this ever taking place-

"Wha "

Master Diluc's eyes were wide, he shifted looks between his frozen little emo kid and the asshole demon. This was an interesting development.

"I-"

"I don't have any problems with you, you're really tiny and I get the feeling I wanna protect you but" Xiao popped a vein.

"You're clearly a bottom."

Ganyu choked.

"I'm keeping your purple elephant though, as a, as a token of your love of course. And the playstation."

The god finally spoke. "Xiao, what in Archons?"

The poor celestial just turned to him in shock and fluster.

"Although I wouldn't mind being a switch..." Kaeya mumbled to himself. "Forget it. Xiao, you have me back. Forget what I just said."

"It's puppy love versus side bitch, oh my gods..." Ganyu took out her phone.

"N-No wait..." Xiao raised his arms at both, trying to stop them from thinking but, god forbid, that was too high level of a power. If only he had one to stop breathing-

So instead he settled for whooshing the demon away with a gust of air.

In panic he didn't realize how much of his power he used and well, fuck.

"Xiao, what'd you do!" Diluc got up in panic and ran to his crockery unit where all the cutlery sat broken on the ground.

Ganyu ran a little further, to the other side of the house where Kaeya's dead body slowly dissipated away.

Chapter Text

Hey there. I know I said I'll return by January but a lot of stressful stuff happened and finally I got my shit together(kinda) to write this note.

I'm really sorry I just disappeared. Writing this was literally what kept me going through each day.

But now I'm kinda busy with studies plus all the shit that's going on with genshin doesn't help.

I want to continue this story, I really do.

But at this point I'm kinda tired of feeling so strong about a game that doesn't even respect my people or our opinion.

I'm sorry, I'm really tired of seeing my culture constantly get shat on and just being selectively picked.  

I know this is just the stuff happening recently but I really couldn't get myself to post the new chapters while this was going on. 

I thought I'd made a rebound but I hit a slump again- this bullshit.

I don't enjoy the characters anymore.

I don't enjoy the game.

Fuck sumeru man.

Fuck cyno, nilou, fucking dehya, al haitham, and good god just fuck  kusanali.

I'm sorry I might have to take a break but thank yall for still reading this shitpile. I still get notifications while being on hiatus. 

I want to finish what I started though, so hopefully I will be back. 

Posting the next chapter as thanks.

Bye yall

Chapter Text

So I died. Huh.

Kaeya stared at the overworked, sleep deprived celestial frown at his papers. They looked at it, turned to Kaeya, then looked back at it again.

"What in Satan's ballsack..."

The celestial muttered another profanity under their breath, now noticing the man presented in just a diaper.

Its a good thing there weren't any more people here. The demons surely would've laughed at their colourful vocabulary.

The poor celestial seemed so confused and shocked, the demon just couldn't help opening his face hole.

"Is there something wrong?" Kaeya asked cheekily, knowing all too well of the problem.

The celestial rubbed their eyes and took a big drink from their sippy bottle.

"You look tired, when do you rest?" He pressed, turning his voice softer to sound concerned. Also, Kaeya was curious because sure Satan sucked but this poor dude couldn't have been under his direct orders. If anything, they'd be in so much better condition. And also a higher paygrade because how the fuck does money even matter in Hell?

"Ah Celestia never sleeps and stuff yanno," they forced a big smile. "you never stop working for the world yadda yadda..." they mumbled, clearly have given up on their job.

"What if I offer to help you? I doubt my time here will be short anyways." Kaeya smiled carefully, leaning over their desk and sticking his ass back.

"you deserve a break seriously, how long can you go working before you just break? I'm sure Celestia cares for its people and wouldn't mind them taking healthy breaks once in a while~"

The celestial paused in their work and looked up from their computer, ears burning. They looked down and furrowed their eyebrows in thought, then raised them. Then furrowed them again.

Celestials are dweebs.

"Are you really-"

"He isn't, don't listen to him please" A new voice entered. Kaeya's face fell.

That munchkin oh lord

"Kaeya Alberich, I didn't expect you back so soon. Let me guess, Xingqiu tried sneaking you in?" She raised an eyebrow, hands flipping through the thick book she always carried with her.

Back when the celestial came to Hell for the first time, the locals really used all of their brain cells roasting the shit outta the kid, Kaeya remembers making a few snarky comments himself- "she uses that book as a fucking step stool because nobody can see herJXADZHAH-"

Kaeya glanced down. Still a naked man in a diaper, he can't really be prideful in this state.

"Nah it was your girlfriend."

Never mind, Kaeya felt like a bitch.

The girl raised her head, mildly surprised, then called his bluff and dipped into her book again.

"She was in Florida just yesterday, not even a decent lie mister Kaeya" then added a soft, "and she's not my girlfriend..."

The demon snorted and placed a hand on his hip.

It'd been only two days and he's bumped into four pining virgins already, was this his punishment?

"it's better you confess right now, or the court won't be merciful this time." Yanfei tapped her book,

It's better you confess you salmon looking chicken virgin

The demon raised an eyebrow.

"confess to what?"

Yanfei chuckled. "However you got back in. And in great detail please, the diaper surely has a role somewhere, I hope."

Kaeya couldn't look sassy in a diaper however hard he tried. If he knew this, his Halloween sure needed more planning now. But he crossed his arms and swayed to the side.

His mouth twitched. "Look midget, I have no idea how I came back. The last thing I remember is bashing my head against a shit ton of concrete."

"There's clearly something wrong here and I doubt I understand it. I don't remember why I'm in a diaper either."

Yanfei pursed her lips and looked at Kaeya, eyebrows furrowed. Was she seriously concerned or trying to hide her fart?

Or was that the poor celestial? We'll never know

Finally, "Send him to the holding room,"

"You mean the Daintiddy committee room-"

"Yes that! Please issue the form, let's not waste anymore time." Yanfei's ears burned. "And I'd appreciate it if y'all could adapt to the new list of names as soon as possible."

The celestial typed in something on their computer and pressed a big red button next to them, that very concerningly was labelled, 'DON'T TOUCH'.

One press and the ground opened up and swallowed the unsuspecting demon. Well, luckily he had a diaper on to at least save him from further possible humiliation.

Kaeya screeched down the slide the entire time, right until he fell into a pile of useless, gym mattresses.

Not having any energy to even groan in pain, the demon sat up and looked around, gritting his teeth. It looked like a hospital reception except with sexy, dim lights instead of the usual annoying bright ones. The room was empty and the only furniture present were fucking metal seats and a receptionist's desk with a placard behind saying 'succ balls celesta'. Either the censor board was back in action or the rebel was a bad speller. Kaeya would lean towards the latter.

A door opened and a celestial walked inside. And how did Kaeya know they were a celestial? Because of the lame plastic demon horns they wore on their head. For fucks sake, Kaeya even knew the drunk lady who sold it, selling it at double the usual price- which didn't matter much because money's not a thing in Hell but really, dumbass Celestials still use mora so this is just a way to piss them off.

"Kaeya Alberich, I hope?" They picked up a notepad from the desk and sat next to the demon. That's right, Kaeya sat on the stupid metal seat.

Kaeya shook his head.

The celestial looked back at their notepad with wide eyes and got up. "Oh my, I'm really sorry, there must've been a mistake." They frowned. Man, Kaeya loved these losers.

"I'll send you back right away! This usually doesn't happen but lately ever since we've come here, we've started noticing a lot of us lacking in our jobs." The celestial sighed walked back to the desk. "Maybe we aren't really up to the task..."

Kaeya nodded and the next second he was zapped.

At least he didn't wet his diaper again.

Kaeya's heart hammered a little as he gasped, waking up into another new place.

He looked around, recognizing the place. Especially with such familiar faces right there.

Rosaria, his best friend, blinked as she bit into her donut then stared lower.

Okay, his diaper's gone for good now.

Kaeya stared at his friends for a few seconds before leaping onto them, absolutely destroying whatever tea party they were having. The table turned over, spilling it's contents on the floor as he hugged them until they groaned from the pain.

"Adorable," Lisa rolled her eyes, but was smiling as the four broke the hug and burnt all the fallen items.

"How'd you..." Jean furrowed her eyebrows. "How'd you even come back?"

Kaeya smirked.

"I died."

Rosaria looked surprised, she placed her book down. "That's all it took? Xingqiu came up with at least a dozen plans to kidnap you." She scoffed, disappointed.

"Well Xingqiu can now suck his cock because I managed it all by myself." Kaeya grinned, flipping his hair back.

Lisa, placed a bottle down and raised her eyebrows, turning to Jean and Rosaria with a face that can only express- 'look at this lil shit'.

Jean gave a small sigh, expression softening. "Well you're here now and that's all that matters, if the board-"

"The board can fuck themselves for all I care," the blunette grumbled, sulking over his wet diaper. Because all of his diaper misadventures oh-so-clearly made the Justice Board Of Hell responsible.

"what do they even want to accomplish by sending me there? Fucking punishment they said, well it's only just a waste of time," he scoffed reaching for the bottle of vodka Lisa was drinking from. "plus, looks like Celestia's having that realm as its own punishing ground too." He chuckled, rubbing the back of his hand where Lisa had whacked him.

"Celestia has a punishing ground?" Rosaria raised an eyebrow. "What for even?"

"For being bitchy goody-two-shoes" he said without missing a beat. "I'm not sure, the ones I found looked pretty miserable though."

Lisa hummed. Then paused.

"you bumped into celestials?"

Kaeya shrugged. The bottle of vodka was over now and he was still sulky about it.

"Did you fight them? Please don't tell me you fought them-"

Kaeya scoffed and rolled his eyes. "I got fucked by them, cmon Jean I have some self preservation." He glanced at Lisa to check if he used the term correctly. Lisa just raised her eyebrows. "I got into a fight much later." He added in a small voice.

"Kaeya!"

"Well I'm sorry they suck!"

"I," she sighed.

"a lot's changed while you were in the mortal realm." She rubbed the side of her neck. "Like, everything."

"Plus, now even Satan's got his panties twisted. Celestia's got some dirt with him and for some reason he's letting them have their way here." Rosaria pulled a bottle of beer from behind her.

Kaeya hummed. It wasn't difficult to twist Satan's panties. He bought lace a lot for some reason.

"They're changing the system, starting a revolution, all that historic bullcrap repeating itself." Lisa sighed, staring longingly at the empty bottle in front of her. "Our magic's being ratioed too. We can't use it as much as we did, which wasn't even a lot in the first place. Ugh I wanna fuck the celestials..."

Kaeya raised an eyebrow. That was some progression.

He looked around at the plaza. It looked different, it looked clean and like an actual plaza. This time, aside from demons, there were also celestials scurrying around, their bright halos making them stick out like Morax's balls in leather pants. The Gods sure had weird phases.

Kaeya's eyes suddenly perked open.

He recognized someone getting their ass whooped by another celestial.

It's that puppy... the magic boy...! He realized.

The next second, Aether seemed to have noticed him too. His eyes widened as he pointed accusingly.

"Y-You...!"

Kaeya stood up, also shocked. And for the dramatic effect.

"You fucked Xiao??!!"

Huh...?

Chapter Text

"You fucked Xiao??!!"

Kaeya could not believe the blasphemy. He stood frozen for a few seconds. Then a hand placed on his hip and a tilt to the side, "And what of it?"

Aether's mouth opened wide and it was clear on his face that he broke inside a little. He shakily turned to the celestial, who was initially whooping his ass but now stood confused, and said something to her before shuffling over to Kaeya.

"W-Wait for real....?" He looked up at the demon with his big yellow, anime eyes- which Kaeya REFUSED TO FALL FOR BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK I THOUGHT THIS WAS LUCKAE-

Kaeya rolled his eyes. "Nah, he's not my type."

Aether sighed in relief and patted his chest lightly. So cute.

Then it dawned on him.

"Y-You...!" He pointed a finger accusingly again.

"You're a demon??!!"

Kaeya pursed his lips. This kid I fucking swear-

"W-Wait..." the poor celestial chewed on his bottom lip."but Xiao didn't tell me anything that time."

Kaeya checked his hair. "What time?"

"That time..." the celestial sounded dazed. He looked at the demon for a second and pouted before looking away.

He finally jumped back. "What were you doing out there?" He frowned. "Without certain documents and authority you're not allowed in the mortal realm. If you're back here so soon, I believe the purpose of your visit was to report on the three celestials you were acquainted with there? Which could also hint that you might have something to do with the holes in the area...which puts you under direct suspicion of Celestia and-and-! could possibly result in punishment...! Which can further t-tarnish both-"

Aether turned to the dark red sky in frustration. "I DON'T WANNA DO THIS WHY AM I HERE LORD-"

Kaeya bit his lip as he watched the poor celestial whine and incoherently mumble syllables which surely aren't a part of a person's vocabulary.

Kaeya couldn't help but reach a hand forward and pat the celestial's head.

"You'll figure it out." And he turned, returning to his curious trio of friends.

"Is that someone you met earlier?" Jean raised her eyebrows. "or did you pick a fight?" Her eyes narrowed.

"He picked a fight with me. And he made himself have a mid life crisis."

"He's on the floor now." Rosaria noted.

"He's crying."

Lisa hummed then brought out a box.

"Wow, y'all really just came to party after I got kicked out." Kaeya eyed the box, tapping his feet under the table.

Jean said, "It's my birthday."

O-Oh.

"H-Happy birthday" he forced a smile, obviously dying inside and whispered a small 'sorry'.

Rosaria tried not to snicker, hiding her face behind her book.

"What're ya reading, Rosarosa?" He asked curiously, leaning forward to read the title.

'100 Ways To Live Twice- Criminal Edition'

She hummed. "Some new book Xingqiu wrote. The little shit must've sent you a copy too."

Lisa made a sound. "Nah it's Hell inclusive only. Nobody else can buy it, it broke like seven Celestial laws too."

Kaeya raised his eyebrows, impressed. As well-known as the demon was, Xingqiu took a lot of chances with fucking around Celestia, the man hated it with every inch of his body.

"Also Kaeya, you have a visitor." Jean gestured to the side with her head, biting into a cupcake Lisa had brought.

"Sorry to disturb your reunion. There's pressing matters to be discussed so I'll let you exchange words for the last time before we leave." Yanfei offered a polite smile to Jean. Only to Jean. In the side Lisa and Rosaria shared a knowing smile. Kaeya could only assume their long standing dream of locking all employees of Celestia General Consulate outside and fucking in there has, not surprisingly, accomplished.

The demon sighed before following the little Thesaurus towards a building that could only be described as That One Boss Who Thinks Golf Is Quirky.

What even happened to Hell? Did it get closeted? Everything was so much cleaner and organized and monotonous and fucking straight, Kaeya was really going to puke.

"So did you find the problem?" He asked, hoping to stop thinking altogether.

"Yes, it might be a hole in the system."

Vague as fuck answer, good. Now his brain can stop functioning because what in actual hell even is a "system"? Kaeya doesn't know and Kaeya doesn't want to know, he's fine enough with his last three braincells doing the floss twenty four by seven.

"Nice."

Yanfei entered a room which was very concerningly metal and sealed by a large metal door. "You'll be sent back now, sorry for the inconvenience," she said finally, gesturing him to open the only thing in the room, a simple wooden door.

"Wait "sent back"?? What, you snotty office binders make a big mistake and suddenly I'm the one being punished??? I'm not going back! You're gonna have to make me go to that hellhole, I'm not going to just do whatever y'all entitled poofaces do- GYAHHHHH MOTHERFUCKE-"

Yanfei closed the now open door of a very unclear void of nothingness.

"U-Uh Miss Yanfei, we forgot to-"

"He'll figure it out." The Celestial brushed her off with a wave of her hand.

She glanced at the worried official before leaving the room, not forgetting to run her magic over the room card of course.

-

Kaeya landed ass first. Not a good start to his resumed punishment. Not that the precious entry here ever was, but relatively, that was clearly much better. What's the worst that happened? He broke a leg. Oh wait no, HE FUCKING DIED NOT EVEN AN HOUR LATER.

Kaeya couldn't compare his experiences, the second one hadn't even barely begun.

He recognised the street as, yet again, the same path to hell and despite all the sirens going off in his head, walked down it because what other choice did he have?

The house was easier to find this time, being right next to his unlucky tenant's apartment.

One knock and the door almost flew out of its place.

"Whoa there cinderella" Kaeya's eyes wide from almost having lost his nose.

Ganyu screamed as she turned around confusedly, running to different sides of the house.

"He's aLIve!" Xiao's voice cracked.

Diluc entered holding a plate. "Wh-What even happened..?"

Kaeya opened his mouth to speak before pausing, noticing the plate in his hand. "Is that a Moomin plate?"

"How're you back?"

"Can I eat from that plate?"

"No, where did you go back then?"

The demon shrugged. "Back to Hell. Bypassed the barrier and stuff apparently. Celestia couldn't understand how I came back so they sent me here again."

The three stood in pin drop silence, not sure what to do about this situation.

Finally Diluc started,

"Did they... mention anything about you being acquainted with us?"

The two celestials looked at him expectantly, a shimmer of hope in their eyes.

And Kaeya crushed it.

"Yeah."

Diluc's eyebrows raised slightly.

"And?"

"They didn't say anything more." This absolute demon. "Threw me out right after."

Solemn silence followed. At this point they couldn't even pray for good luck, their god was right next to them in the slumps.

"I'm hungry, can we eat dinner early?" Kaeya invited himself in, deeming the conversation over after the three consecutive deaths.

"Take out today. Thoma's not here." Xiao answered morbidly. He was sitting on the floor where Kaeya stood earlier.

With another look at the distraught celestials, Kaeya went to his room to finally remove that fucking diaper.

Meanwhile Diluc wracked his head over one thing he couldn't understand.

"Xiao, Ganyu" The two turned towards the God, dropping whatever work they were doing in just a second. 

Diluc seemed to be contemplating whatever he wanted to say by the way he rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. And also because he didn't fucking open his mouth to say anything.

The two celestials patiently waited. It was okay. Human words suck anyway, what the fuck is 'wazoo'. It's been two hundred years since their spawning and yet, what does wazoo mean?

"My powers weren't supposed to turn that demon into a baby." He said finally. "It was," Diluc noticed Xiao's and Ganyu's controlled looks. Yeah no shit, why the fuck would he turn garbage into more garbage.

"They were supposed to compress him. Turn him into a fly, or at least an imp." The god let out a soft sigh. "I don't know why he turned into a baby. It is possible that the laws of this world are more suited to his current state but even so," 

"shape shifting is still a power from the otherworld."

Diluc's talisman had one job, conditions were never applicable to a talisman. Regardless of the being, talismans in general fulfilled their maker's order. Kaeya hadn't turned into a baby because of Diluc. He was only the catalyst that lead to all his forms simultaneously bursting on him. Maybe Kaeya already had shape shifting powers and instead of reverting Kaeya into a compressed state, Diluc's talisman brought out all the other states he could be in.

But there was still a very small possibility of this being the case. Diluc was shitty at talismans but in a 'I can't decode this myself', shitty handwriting kinda way. He was a God after all so he couldn't be that shitty at this.

Ganyu pursed her lips.

"With all due respect, Master Diluc, ever since he came here, things don't seem to be working the way they're supposed to. I-I don't mean to assume stuff but there's your broken deal, the leashes coming out of nowhere, the time he turned back to his original form and got his powers back...."

"And now his possible demon powers." Xiao finished for her.

"Heck, for some reason Xiao was convinced Kaeya's name was Jon for a whole week Master Di-"

"Th-There was miscommunication on his part-"

"It's alright, Xiao." The God looked at him softly. Was that fucking pity???

"Master Diluc that fucking demon turd-"

Diluc patted him on the head a few times, cutting him off, and left the room.

Ganyu whispered a small, "you need to let him go" before taking her leave as well.

Only their neighbours knew of the wild flapping and the unhinged, nonstop cawing of the maniacal crow that went at it till 3 a.m. the next day.

Chapter Text

The lights were dim and everyone was long asleep. Soft chirps and the hushing of the grass filled the quiet room.

"Master Diluc,"

He didn't turn and continued to brush his loose hair softly.

"you know I'm right." Ganyu spoke a little more resolutely.

"This is not normal."

It isn't.

But they're Gods. Nothing really is normal.

"I'm sure we can find another source instead of relying on someone so uncertain and unpredictable. He's devious, he didn't make a deal with you with the intention of acting on his part too."

Diluc hummed. Waiting for the celestial to continue but stark silence followed. Then munching.

He paused and turned, finding Ganyu stuffing her face with his cookies.

" 'm dun." She spoke between noms, giving him a small thumbs up sign.

Diluc hummed softly.

"Ok"

"let's give him one last chance and then decide his fate."

He watched as Ganyu looked down quietly for a few seconds before nodding and excusing herself, not forgetting to sneak the bowl of cookies Diluc was supposed to be eating.

"Did anyone see Thoma? I didn't see him come-"

"Very gay"

"Fuck off, I didn't finish-"

"my mom last night, cuz you suck."

"JO- KAEYA I WILL END YO-"

Kaeya giggled and walked out of the room, being on the lookout for Master Diluc.

The demon was finally in their line of sight dressed in something other than diapers.

Kaeya in a diaper will exist for much longer than needed to haunt their dreams.

The demon had turned over a page. Flipped a coin. Spanked the other cheek. Everything.

He looked fresh as a daisy and absolutely ready to ruin the day of anybody who had the misfortune to come across him- starting with his housemates.

Also he wasn't in a diaper. Making that very clear again. Big relief.

Despite all the shit that happened to him the previous day, the demon had decided to be the bigger person.

Sure Xiao accidentally sent him to Hell and stuff. Shit happens yanno?

And what's not to say Kaeya didn't just flip Aether's impression of Xiao to the point where the celestial magic boy would possibly not talk to him for a questionably long time?

Potato Tomato bitches.

So he didn't talk about it and nor did they.

"Kaeya, do you need something?" The God glanced at the encroaching demon.

Kaeya's impish grin dropped. He'd remembered something he was supposed to have found out a long time ago.

"Where's Qiqi?"

Diluc paused at whatever he was doing- eating a cookie as he read a cluster of papers, he likes coconut ones, just putting it out there.

"So Qiqi did bring you here." His eyes didn't leave whatever mess of pages he was looking at earlier.

Kaeya shrugged. "I had to look clueless so you'd help me, not that it worked out. But yeah, I couldn't find Qiqi when I came back, where is...Qiqi?"

Diluc sipped his coffee. "She-"

Ah, Qiqi's a girl

"-returned home. Once Qiqi teleports someone here, she automatically goes back to wherever her spawn point is."

Oh.

"How do I see her" Kaeya scratched the back of his neck.

I could've just walked out of the door but now you wanna be emo and slip into the void, drama queen, Kaeya bit back.

Yeah. Diluc put them all into a temporary house arrest for an indefinite period. So what'd that mean? Their house now just floats around in a limitless void.

Diluc put down his newspaper. "See,"

"you don't."

Kaeya waited for a few seconds but finally his face dropped. It wasn't like he wasn't expecting this but at least Diluc could've addressed it a little more.

The God, of course, knew Kaeya was grasping at strings.

Papers back to covering his face, Diluc munched on another cookie. And Kaeya being Kaeya decided Diluc doesn't deserve cookies.

He grabbed five and stuffed them in his mouth.

Diluc watched amused as the demon sat down and munched on them, never breaking eye contact and finally swallowed them down.

"Why are you being such a dick"

Diluc hummed.

"Should've done your part of the deal when we gave you the chance. Freeloaders have no place in this house."

The demon's eyebrows raised.

Fuck, he remembers

He nonchalantly started to play with a pencil on the table. "You know what's going on with me. I would've got your shit done and got out of here first thing if I had my powers. You think I wanna stay here with you basic bitches more than any of you?"

"Hm"

Diluc placed his papers down and looked up finally, staring into Kaeya's one eye with his two eyes. Haha intimidation by quantity baby.

"Go ahead, you can leave then."

A thud shook the entire house and with it, light started to pour into the room.

"Woo grass!!" A small cheer came from the next room.

Kaeya blinked. "what?"

Who loved grass so much?

Diluc gestured to a window with his eyes, back straightened, watching how the demon reacts now.

Kaeya turned slowly, eyes widening a little as the familiar sight of the blue sky beyond neat, trimmed trees peeked through the window.

Hands slammed down on the table as he darted to the front door.

A loud shut of the front door and the house drifted into silence almost immediately. It seemed as if the demon was the only source of noise in the house this entire time among the three miserable celestials.

"What was that?" Xiao's little head peeked from the yard. Ganyu paused from eating their flowers and turned too.

Diluc almost sighed, a small exhale leaving his lips. "He left. I don't know if he'd be coming back but I'm not counting on it."

"And Ganyu," said celestial jolted in attention. "are you laying off the glaze lilies?"

A stray pale blue petal slipped out of her mouth, falling to the ground.

"...I had only one. My apologies Master Diluc."

Xiao snickered and whacked the back of her head. "Told you it was the glaze lilies not the calla"

Ganyu whined something incoherent about rights before shuffling out the room.

"Where's Kaeya, Master Diluc?"

Diluc sniffled. "He's gone."

Xiao stood stunned. Was Master Diluc emotional by his departure?
Did he miss the demon??

Xiao awkwardly looked around, hoping Ganyu was also thinking like him but then he heard small snaps from the garden and rolled his eyes.

Slowly walking over to the God as he read, Xiao looked over the papers.

Diluc was frozen, eyes closed, face scrunched up, hands clutching onto the papers a little too hard.

"HA-CHOOOO!!"

He sniffled a little again before noticing the celestial weakly hunched over.

"Excuse me." He cleared his throat. "Xiao, please close the yard door, you know what the callas do to me."

Xiao took back his stretched hand and shuffled away. Worrying over one god was tiresome enough.

Meanwhile Kaeya had walked and tripped thrice over half the town in search of that familiar house.

Fucking humans with their normie  abilities.

In the process he'd bumped into the God's house at least twice- fucking lazy architecture. At least put a wall hanger or some shit to differentiate the two houses, assholes.

Diluc snickered lowly as he head his front door open and slam shut with a groan for the third time.

Was he playing around with the house's location to match Kaeya's direction? Yes. Was there a good reason for it? No, he was just being a dick.

It came to a point where the house now sat exactly opposite to Qiqi's. Kaeya broke Diluc's living room window with a rock, flipped him off and stomped away into the house next door.

"Qiqi!! Pirate man's hereee!" He waltzed inside.

Silence.

"Qiqi?"

He slowly walked around the empty house, looking around for the lil trauma baby.

She won't be pissed that he didn't come back right?

"Qiqi~" He sang idly, climbing the stairs which somehow exist in this one storeyed house. Guess this place also worked like Master Diluc's house.

Opening another door he screeched seeing a window open to the yard and a familiar, almost adoring, head lying face first in the grass(which also somehow existed on the first floor of the house? Celestial mindfuckery and for what? Show off).

He recalled the first time he found her, very similar to this- head down, body limp, poo struck.

Kaeya sighed and flipped her over to fix her talisman and screeched again.

Qiqi's face was gone??

He looked around frantically for something that looked even remotely similar to the squishy, dumpling baby and paced through the house.

After a good 16 minutes,

"OI EMO GOD,"

Diluc spat his coffee out.

"Demon," Xiao threatened, "I can peel the-"

"SHUT UP EMO KID"

Kaeya jumped onto Diluc in a panic, arms still cradling a little figure.

"Save her," he panted softly.

Diluc looked down at the broken Celestial messenger then back to Kaeya straddling him.

"I'll" the demon took a breath, gulping softly. "I'll do anything. My part of the deal, and this too."

"Just save her."

Diluc's eyes glinted and the next thing they knew, he astral projected.

Deadass.

Chapter Text

This was the second time this happened so naturally Kaeya could've anticipated vanishing and popping up in a new place he's never seen before. Except when he's back he's still in the living room of the celestials' house, just on the floor.

Someone cleared their throat and immediately Kaeya looked up.

The God was on his feet, pompous nose lifted in air as he clearly held back a shit eating smirk. Kaeya suddenly had the desire to run a cleaning wiper across Diluc's face.

As if reading his thoughts, Diluc straightened his neck and shook his head lightly.

"If you intend to not act by your words this time," He gave Kaeya a pointed look.

"I'll make sure you return to Hell and never want to come back here again."

The demon pursed his lips and nodded slowly.

"Hey I didn't give my powers away though, it was all-"

"Shh"

"..."

"like I was saying it was all part of the new regulations-"

"Shh!"

"..."

"You're ruining the moment" Xiao glared at him.

The demon rolled his eyes and looked at Diluc raising his eyebrows, waiting for whatever he could do now to help.

"Ganyu,"

The celestial peeked in from the yard, eyes hazy and body lazed as if waking up from a nap- who's to say it wasn't.

"contact Baizhu and check for a discreet way to get to his lab. Be on the lookout for Keqing too. "

When Ganyu's eyes perked up he corrected,

"Hide from her, try not to be seen."

Ganyu pouted and nodded before getting up and running into her room.

"Baizhu as in,"

Kaeya gulped. "had-an-orgy-with-the-big-three Baizhu?"

Now Diluc almost scoffed.

What does this stupid little demon think of the gods. Are they just sauntering up there in gardens and leisuring in the ever present sun?

Of course they have orgies, scheduled ones. There's not much to do up there.

"Yes, that Baizhu."

However Diluc doesn't really dislike this image of the doctor. In fact it's much better than idolising him for the extent of his research and inventions. His annoying personality really gave him no credit.

And the worst part was he was also the found father of at least a hundred kids so now nobody could be mean to him. 
 
"Xiao," he remembered.

"watch him and Qiqi. I'll be back."

The little emo kitty nodded and sat down cross legged in front of the demon.

Diluc stepped out of the room and closed the door behind him. Kaeya turned to Xiao immediately, startling him a little.

"What."

Kaeya grinned. "What's your and blondie's deal?"

Xiao raised an eyebrow making Kaeya click his tongue in dismay.

"Y'know, pretty fairy boy. Has rapunzel hair and shit. Tummy out to the world."

It clicked in the celestial's mind and soft pink dusted over his ears.

"I'm not telling you that." He looked away. "It's none of your business."

Kaeya stared for a few seconds.

Definitely tryna make him uncomfortable.

Then he shrugged and gave a dramatic exhale.

"Well if you don't wanna know what he told me in Hell that's ok, I respect it." He poked the floor.

At this Xiao rose an eyebrow. "Aether is in Hell..? For whatever reason?"

Kaeya hummed and looked distractedly to the side, eye curving upwards cheekily.

Scoffing in almost perfect Victorian manner Xiao made a little air sheet and whacked the demon on the face with a snap.

Kaeya learnt that paper made of air hurt when it directly comes in contact with someone's face.

Five minutes later, Diluc comes back, opening the door to a Xiao holding a table over his head and Kaeya a vase. No, Kaeya wasn't a vase, he was holding one.

"Ganyu didn't return. " Diluc noticed.

"I'll check on her, she might've got distracted." Xiao excuses himself after placing the table gently on the floor.

"Did you get a makeover done"

Diluc coughed. "Got appropriately dressed you mean."

"Your eyeliner game sucks."

"Don't make me break your leg again."

That moment a small far away thud and three figures walked into the room.

Diluc's eyebrows perked up a tad bit at the familiar person in the room.

The celestial from back then who looked like he stepped out of a jpop video.

It was popsicle boy.

"Um greetings Master Diluc. I-I'm extremely grateful to be given this opportunity to partake in your eternal glor-"

Diluc clicked his tongue. "Why's he here?"

Everybody noticed the drop in the temperature of the room. The poor kid. If he had puppy ears, his puppy ears had just drooped low on his head.

"I couldn't get the key directly to his space but I did bump into someone who had unquestioned access to it without the key." Ganyu looked at the sulking blue haired boy.

Diluc's impatient frown faded to surprise. "He directly lets in Celestials now? How so?"

Ganyu and Xiao both stayed quiet. After all, the three of them were kinda distanced(read isolated) from Celestia at the moment.

They stared at their guest.

"What's your name?" Diluc asked first.

He looked up nervously, ears reddening. "Chongyun." Oh? Someone from the Liyue side then.

"b-but you can call me whatever you like! My friends call me Yun-Yun too, or-or Chongie if they're teasing me. Lady Ningguang calls me 'Dear Boy' usually but when she's in a bad mood it's always just Chongyun. I like Yun-Yun better if I'm being honest. But you can pick whichever or even make a new one, I don't mind anything my Lord!"

By this time, the boy's earlier sulky pout was replaced by an excited(??) energy to the point where his eyes literally puked sparkles.

Kaeya looked at everyone in the room, amused. Well, this is fresh compared to the usual rotting, dead fish energy.

"Then I can call you cutie huh?" He smiled cheekily at Chongyun, the evil succubus inside grinning wider when the boy's cheeks flushed.

"S-Such a lovey-dovey name...." he mumbled, scratching his cheek. "Th-That's ok with me."

Diluc, recovering, "How'll you take all of us though? Last I checked, the key is supposed to be the best way to get in with any number of people."

"It still is Master Diluc." Chongyun paused, cheeks flushing again quietly at the speed of his own response. "T-That's the thing, I can't take everyone here but about three people. That's the maximum I can handle."

At the stark silence in the room, "I-I'm sorry about my lacking abilities. I'm still training and-"

Ganyu patted his head, then slowly realized and pulled away her hand.

"That's okay. You're the best option we have right now. Plus, it's a given that getting there without a key wouldn't be that simple." Xiao spoke, tone indifferent.

At this the sparkles repositioned towards Xiao, almost overpowering his Light Yagami energy.

Diluc seemed to be considering his options now. Only three... then which of them?

"Xiao, Ganyu" he spoke after a minute.

"I'm taking Qiqi and Kaeya to... there. " he frowned at his grammatical atrocity in disappointment resulted from his overthinking. "Decide among yourselves who'll be joining us?"

Both Ganyu and Xiao froze and Kaeya swears to Dain's fucking floral lungi that he's never seen the two pale out so quick and so bad.

"Xiao will! He stayed back here failing to do his job around Kaeya while I stalked into Celestia." Ganyu screamed in just a second.

"Nonono I watched Ganyu stare at Keqing's ass from a bush, here's her chance to redeem herself!" He defen- oh? No he attacked. Like a shameless motherfucker.

"Decide. Fast." Diluc sighed.

Finally, the two settled for a match of stone-paper-scissors. Only one settled for the result.

Flipping them off as they left, Xiao munched on a calla lily excrutiatingly slow, watching the two shells of a being, one demon and one puppy hybrid step through the bright white portal that now was open in the living room.

Kaeya grabbed Qiqi's limp body, cradling her carefully as her limbs just hung about. Possibly the only time Diluc has noticed the demon genuinely- however small it was- give a shit about something here other than himself.

Way to go Qiqi, he cheered. resurrect your biting habit please.

Chongyun turned around once they'd stepped into a white void of nothingness and the portal closed behind them.

"Before I open the door to the place that I cannot name-" Kaeya lifted an eyebrow. "-there are a few rules everyone has to follow."

On Diluc's soft nod the baby blue sugarcube continued. 

"We need to be holding hands at all times. Walking through it might feel like a second but we're stepping through at least hundreds if not thousands of parallel dimensions so we need to be connected throughout the entire process."

Kaeya elbowed Diluc, "Y'know there are other ways to be connected eh?" 

As the God ignored him, a certain celestial unfortunate enough to overhear grimaced in disgust next to the oblivious pudding baby.

"We got it." Ganyu mumbled, still recovering. 

The three watched Chongyun have an internal conflict for a few seconds before slowing raising a hand towards the God. "I-I call dibs...."

Diluc's eyes perked up slightly while Kaeya and Ganyu almost choked.

Simultaneously all three of them agreed to swallow down whatever reaction desperately tried to burst out. Kaeya also decided he wasn't mean enough for this as he tried to compose himself for whatever fujoshi fueled shounen ai romance this was heading towards.

At a loss for words, Diluc gave a pathetic nod and grabbed the lil jelly bug's hand, quietly latching onto Ganyu's from behind. The blue tubba wubba discreetly pumped a fist.

"Don't look at me like that, cutie used dibs." Kaeya defended as Ganyu glared at him while grabbing onto his free hand.

And as they all were ready to step into the new sphere, Kaeya softly grabbed Qiqi's tiny limp hand, squeezing it lightly.

A bell rings in a quiet room, echoing inside the spacious yet cramped workshop. Green hair comes into view as a head pops up from under a table, glasses on the floor, the man dressed only in a crop top and sweatpants.

He groaned softly as the bell kept ringing, the sound getting louder.

"About damn time," he turned to the door, glaring holes into it.

"Master Diluc, finally taking responsibility huh?"

Chapter Text

If an underwear has three holes, and all three holes need three parts joined to each other to go through them, who's to regulate what part goes through which hole if nobody can even see the underwear.

If the universe really wanted everyone to protect their nether areas, why create something so mind bending yet a piece of art just so it plastered itself over someone's fucking balls. Or lodged itself in the nonexistent void between their asscheeks.

It was at times like these, the big, juicy mind that was spewing all these thoughts would remember wise words-

"Kazuha, you smoked something from Beidou's stash, didn't you."

The crazy lady could smoke anything and play the saxophone for Sonata op 19 while waltzing around the two storeyed bungalow and Kazuha knew this specifically, because somehow he's always in there for this kinda shit.

17 year old Kaedehara Kazuha was high out of his mind as he sat in class and tried to look as sane as possible in the first period.

The clouds keep moving, he closed his eyes.

A peaceful impermanence.

He sniffled softly and his wet ass brain squelched a little.

Yet, farts.

The literature teacher would have a stroke.

Fuck that, Gorou of all people would crumble to the floor. But Gorou did have a reputation for groveling on the ground so it shouldn't be that surprising.

Kazuha shrugged. 'No harm in sharing with him anyway.'

He looked outside the window, bright blue had shifted to pale yellow. The loud student chatter had faded to tired groans. Most oddly, a head seemed to have appeared out of thin air. An upside down head.

In the flash of a second, the rest of the body formed with it and quickly disappeared with a flurry of colourful curses.

"FUCKING SATAN'S HAIRY BALLSACK"

Kazuha raised his hand.

"Yes Kaedehara?"

"Washroom."

"Okay. Be quick."

Everyone's minds had a single thought. 'The little shit's not going to piss, dumbass.'

Uncaring, he turned in the opposite direction of the washroom and walked to the stairs, right in front of his class as they watched him.

"..."

A shaky hand raised. It was Gorou, the poor sod who'd met him on the first day of school and accidentally got stuck with him for way longer.

"...I-I'll get him."

If Kazuha wasn't high as fuck right now, he would've realized that such a thing would've definitely caused a commotion in the class and miss normie teacher would've collapsed from a seizure. And yet only one other person flinched at it.

Outside, the boy had already climbed down three floors and was peeking over the wall next to where his classroom overlooked. He perked up at the still running train of cusses as one tiny- he was the same height- emo dude waved around an accusing finger at the ground looking like he'd just fallen down. Then he picked up a rock and threw it at it(?). He shakily got up, wobbling on both legs and bent over placing his hands on his knees, probably to gain balance. A few seconds later he stomped on the ground, almost kicking it like it was a person?? Oh boy, the poor kid lost his screw.

Being amused for sometime, Kazuha finally snickered and turned around, pulling out his small packet of smokes.

He hummed as the cusses went on, followed by random new thuds and oh was that a fucking explosion-

There was finally silence, when Kazuha heard some heavy footsteps.

The tiny- he was literally almost the same height- dark haired boy emerged from around the corner, walking right in Kazuha's direction. He glanced at the lit cigarette in Kazuha's mouth and grimaced at it, almost emanating danger with the dark eyeliner around his sharp eyes (hi idk if this is right ignore how odd it sounds smh). He walked away, dusting at his muddied black skinny jeans.

Kazuha's eyes were much awake now, having come eye-to-eye with a scary pretty boy. It was slowly shifting to eye-to-ass now.

Apart from his thick eyeliner, the boy's looks just screamed season inappropriate Shane Dawson 2012. (there's no specific reason for this :") ) His soft, floofy woofy hair was decked in dark clips of all types, neck covered by a collar, a large sweatshirt hanging off his shoulders (and did Kazuha see fishnets around his torso through the holes in his shirt? no he- yeah he fucking did) paired with some skinny jeans.

Kazuha pictured a night of a long cold shower that day, meanwhile another figure stood right around the corner plastered to the wall. The other corner. Gorou's face was completely against the wall, hiding himself as he casually whistled.

He was panicking internally as heavy footsteps slowly faded away. WHY'S HE HERE WHY'S HE HERE OH NO OHNOOHNONO-

Poor Gorou. The only person who'd listen to him cry about this was horny at the moment.

-

"Master Diluc, finally taking responsibility huh?"

The man said to nobody in particular in the room.

A worried voice chimes in. "Master Baizhu, did you stay up again?"

"Chongyug"

"Chongyun"

"Chongyun" The man groggily picked himself up from the floor, kicking away the blanket that'd wrapped itself around his foot. "so it was you" he mumbled.

"Still got no sense of time huh, Baizhu?" A deeper voice.

"Still got no dad huh Diluc...??" He glared at the other God.

A small moment of silence.

"Master Diluc wins." Chongyun announced.

"Hah?? How??"

"Your tone was too attacking and your voice cracked, Master Baizhu." He bowed respectfully before stepping away to close the door.

"It is my ever-glorious honour to announce the arrival of Master Diluc, God of-"

"Red"

All eyes turned to Kaeya. He looked to his arms.

"Qiqi!" Ganyu almost choked. She forgot whether to gasp or speak first. Diluc softly patted her back as she bent over coughing.

"Oh? You've brought Qiqi." The inventor walked over to the group, hands almost immediately tinkering around with her limp arms and legs.

Kaeya gulped softly before handing her over completely to him.

Baizhu was a known name all throughout the Netherworld. If there was someone whose reputation had far reached beyond his name, it was Baizhu. However it was for very different reasons.

Nobody knows where he'd come from, if he was a God or a Celestial. One day someone blew up Ningguang's human spoon collection and the next day he was a household name in Hell. Just like the collection he destroyed. Not even a household name though, it'd turned into an internet trend. Of course tiktok existed in Hell, what'd the mortals expect.

Demons were going around breaking into random homes and hiding their spoons in bizarre places, or even just stealing them. Kaeya would find his spoons littered around his daily life- in his flowerpot, under his pillow, taped to the bottom of his pants. The last one he found by the hard way.

The entire period felt like a fever dream.

Starting from then, Baizhu kept showing up in the most random situations and news- he made edible fire that could OBVIOUSLY BURN SOMEONE'S FUCKING THROAT(which become a nice addition to Hell's torture chambers), he fucked two gods and created a demigod who was a mix of their combined intellectual nut juice(??), adopted a hundred random kids who just spawned out of nowhere, and it kept getting worse.

Dainsleif had to ban his name on twitter(ofc Hell has twitter, its fucking twitter) for two hours so the site wouldn't keep crashing.

Kaeya had only dreamt about bumping into or Dain forbid, meeting this perfect demon role model sculpted by the best of the best.

And to find out he was responsible for the very child Kaeya had been fathering for so long...

That he was unknowingly Kaeya's partner in this...

"Master Diluc, the demon is sniffling, I repeat, the demon. Sniffling." Ganyu had recovered from her self-induced choking fit. Fun fact, this is pretty common, it automatically happens whenever celestial attendant Keqing is in close vicinity of the other.

"Anata..." Kaeya swooned.

Baizhu wasn't concerned. "Chongyun?"

"?"

"No popsicles in the lab"

Chongyun pouted and bit the ice off its stick before throwing it away in a nearby can.

Ganyu tapped her elbow as they all sat down on some sofas in an empty corner "What're you here for, Chongyun?"

Diluc blinked. Huh.

Right.

He wasn't supposed to be here.

The place-that-can't-be-named... or rather, shouldn't, was in a space free from the reins of both Celestia and Hell. And so it was under the control of neither. However, from an epic battle of Jenga- chosen by Hell obviously- and a "diplomatic" round of negotiation- Celestia seriously?- it was decided that Celestia gets 60 per cent of control over here. 70 per cent now in recent times because Hell just straight up forgets it exists sometimes. 

The place-that-can't-be-named, or in short Baizhu's house, was supposed to be kept out of almost complete contact of both domains. And due to valid reason. Too many casualties.

It was still unknown to both about the precise space this small domain existed in. They had literally no idea.

Celestials had no safe way of getting there until somebody came up with The Key. And back then, even the key wasn't very reliable since many times it would make glitches in the door and celestials would just teleport into a new dimension. That wasn't the worst part however. 

There was the void too.

Somehow, Baizhu's house was linked to the void too along with the other dimensions which was pretty new. Last they checked the void sat on the edge of Hell, monitored by those two celestials always fucking with the two demon guards. Not very reliable but hey they're still fucking so the void probably hasn't moved.

 And yet, at least three celestials have disappeared and never returned or been found.

Because of this being a high grade danger zone, only someone who could stay here for an unspecified time, willingly, could be here, More than that, they were almost completely out of contact with everyone outside.

Which means Baizhu hasn't sucked any nuts for years now.

It was pretty surprising that there was someone finally in contact with this lonely loser. Two people that too? Oh damn they're gonna find out he's a social hazard. 

 "Oh" Chongyun sheepishly rubbed the side of his neck. "I was assigned here. Lady Ningguang um,"

"wanted me to try new things? is what she told me?"

Diluc furrowed his eyebrows and tilted his head. Unbeknownst to him, so had Ganyu and Kaeya unironically.

This little baby celestial was assigned such a high profile commission. For experience?

In different words it does kinda make sense but then-

"Y'know 'new things' could also mean like a hobby? Have you ever tried origami or something, my dude?" Kaeya spoke their thoughts. "My e-ex crocheted and stuff. He was part of the board too and when Dain-" Chongyun almost gasped at the casual name-dropping - "told him to do something else, he didn't, like, drop everything and fly to Alaska."

Ganyu pursed her lips. "We can't judge around Celestia assigning commissions. It's done solely based on the what the other expects and wants."

"However" she sighed.

"it's not bad to try something low effort sometimes. You can't always perform the same in every situation."

Chongyun blinked. 

"Sweetie, I love the intention but please try not to convince my only source of social life to go away" A groggy voice chimed from a distance.

She mumbled quietly. "My apologies Master Baizhu." 

Diluc glanced at the demon looking at the floor in thought, or he was lost. Or horny. Anything was possible.

They sat quietly as Baizhu worked, watching him occasionally snap out Qiqi's child-like limbs to tweak with the celestial runes scripted inside her hollow parts.

It was then Kaeya realized, Qiqi wasn't alive at all. 

Her body was very much that of a human's, but it was missing a lot of important parts. It was hollow. There was no blood, not even the golden ichor that celestials bled usually. There were no bones, no solid structure that held her body up the way it was. Instead, Kaeya could notice the faint gold colour of runes running all over the inner lining of her parts. They seem to be the ones keeping her intact and working the way she was supposed to. But how....?

Kaeya knew runes held power close to magic but that was a completely different domain than that of the celestials and demons. 

What runes did was use natural elements to affect the state of the object or person it was scripted on. 

It didn't procure random elements out of nowhere, it just created a way to manipulate their surroundings based on their requirements. Celestial runes were a lot more advanced however, so Kaeya really had no idea if it even held any limitations at this point.

To know that an entire being was able to exist just because of such an intricate and massive network of runes, Kaeya felt a heavy lump in his throat.

Guess he looked just as pathetic as he felt because the next second Diluc spoke to him, quite neutrally and without any intent to poke at his Chad of a personality.

"Qiqi comes here quite often for check ups. She is still under work so this happens without surprise."

Baizhu glanced at them.

"Under work?" Kaeya furrowed his eyebrows.

"She is a creation, not birthed."

Kaeya blinked. But-

"But highly advanced as you might've noticed, she can think and speak for herself."

Baizhu hummed cheekily on the side.

"All thanks to the one and only, to your right.." Diluc grumbled.

"Oh my, Master Diluc!" The inventor huffed and playfully waved a hand at the god.

"If I may be so bold," he pushed his cat-like glasses up the bridge of his nose slowly, teasing.

"who is the companion you've brought to this humble abode, my lord?"

Diluc grimaced at the title.

"I'm not a companion, I'm here against my free will." Kaeya grumbled as Ganyu doodled on his arm.

"Oh? How so, delight me." Baizhu's lips curled into a sly smile and that sent an instant shiver crawling over Kaeya's spine like an ice cube was dropped on it. He might as well have nutted and moaned his name at this point.

"Master Baizhu, with all due respect, we aren't permitted to disclose our business with him." Ganyu immediately chimed, afraid of who knows what could spill from the demon's mouth. Kaeya banging their god, Kaeya dying and being sent to Hell, Kaeya becoming part of their combined haiku of misery. Everything was a sure trip to celestia and not in the way they all wanted.

And so she shut down the conversation tactfully and continued drawing a tiny peepee on Kaeya's forearm.

Diluc sighed. "It's too much of a trouble to explain it. And its not even worth it. You're better off not knowing."

Kaeya scoffed, offended that his drama wasn't worth knowing but stayed quiet anyway. He hadn't forgotten the time Diluc broke his leg and turned him into a baby.

Baizhu chuckled and hummed softly.

"There's been rumours, you know," He started again.

Rumours?

Kaeya swears if its like that one time Barbatos got drunk and created a new species before waking up and realising the potential decline of humanity because of their higher population. At least they say it was just a rumour. Haha.....

"about Hell sending spies outside."

Huh? Kaeya blinked. Was Xingqiu...?

"And they were all spotted around the area you live in right now."

Diluc sat up straighter. 

"That's how tantrums usually play out, Baizhu." He tried.

Now Baizhu stopped tinkering with Qiqi and turned around, leaning back on his table- making Kaeya absolutely cream himself because it shouldn't be legal to look that hot in grandma glasses.

"Master Diluc, you may not be aware of the happenings of Hell and Celestia right now but,"

"sending the very person who makes the laws of Hell doesn't seem like a tantrum to me, Master Diluc. The snobby shortstack is rumoured to have been sensed in the area."

Kaeya gulped softly. As much of a joke Hell seemed, if somehow Kaeya was marked by an entire domain for some reason, things are likely that he can't go back.

"W-Why do you think they're doing this...?" He asked carefully, trying to ignore the holes Diluc and Ganyu burned into him with their stares.

"Hm? Well, most likely because a vision went missing there"

Two celestials stiffened.

"or so I've heard. Man it sure feels good to finally know shit hahaha!"

From the side Chongyun cleared his throat.

"There's been a lot of damaged and inconsistent reports of weird activity in the area." He spoke- only looking at Master Diluc if I may add. "There was the exam there already and somehow the concentration of Leashes also increased there so they're trying to figure out what's the problem, Master Diluc." This shameless lil shit.

"Well you'll have to hope they don't cause y'all any disturbance judging by their favourite hobby amirite?" Baizhu laughed and turned back to do his work.

Meanwhile, a dark figure stood outside the front door of a particular old house. Large dark sweatshirt, thick eyeliner and all, the demon had come.

And he wasn't leaving till he could torture at least one being in here. 

Chapter Text

"An umbrella for the talisman because it keeps getting shat on"

"Oo what about a built in bb gun so she can shoot the birds, Master Baizhu"

"Maybe put another talisman that repels birds completely?"

"...is it possible to eliminate the talisman altogether? What if you use celestial runes instead, Master Baizhu?"

The last voice was Chongyun. Apparently from a group of one celestial general, a scheming demon and a fucking God, just some random dude could use his head for more than a second.

Baizhu blinked and seemed to be in thought for a few seconds. What Chongyun said made sense and Baizhu wished he'd gone with that idea while making Qiqi in the first place then he started to think from his dick.

That blue haired rat tail guy seemed kinda interesting...

" Chongyun, sweetie," he started.

" nice idea but not very kekw." he patted the celestial's head as Chongyun blinked and nodded, pouting.

Sometimes when he didn't understand what Baizhu says( which was a lot of the times :c ), he had no choice but to pout and nod.

"So I've cleaned up her parts and rescripted all the runes on her." He spoke. "I'm giving her this cute hat I knitted so her talisman would stop being shat on-"

Ganyu- "Her hat's being shat on now"    

"-also cleared out all the rust from her and by the way do you wanna join this year's orgy, my dude?"

In the side a confused Chongyun turned to Ganyu to ask "what's an orgy" to which she replied- "competitive drag"

Kaeya blinked. Surely that wasn't directed at him. Then he followed his line of sight and when his eye looked straight at his own boobas his dick almost sprang up in shock.

"No."

????

"What?? Why???" He looked at Diluc in disbelief. 

"Sorry for declining in his stead, Baizhu, but Kaeya is on house arrest right now for an uncertain period."

"Huh?? Who said so???"

"Me bitch." Ganyu chimed.

"....apologies, Master Diluc, I saw the light and seized it."

Diluc cleared his throat and nodded. "...anyway, I am. You can't pull off the shit you did and expect no consequences."

"XIAO LITERALLY SENT ME TO HELL DWEEB"

"And he apologized. Shit happens. Didn't you try to emotionally manipulate him by using Aether?"

"...his apology sucked balls. He called for it."

"If you're not about the orgy can y'all have this family fight somewhere else?" Baizhu raised a hand.

"..."

"We'll be leaving now, thanks for the-" and Diluc paused immediately when a soft voice reached him.

"Pirate man..." Kaeya's eyes perked up and for the first time that day he displayed an actually good emotion.

"Qiqi!" He made his way to her as she slowly got up from the table, rubbing her fake stomach.

"Hungry"

Kaeya scooped her up- much to Ganyu's surprise who accidentally pulled out her celestial bow on reflex- and twirled humming.

"ah you stupid little robot baby, bird enemy number one" he cooed and squished her cheek with his, rubbing it with a little too much excitement.

Ganyu sighed in relief and dropped her bow, warping it back to wherever she pulled it from, before turning to the god.

Diluc watched, an unlikely bond between a demon and a celestial robot baby had blossomed. He almost chuckled before remembering the demon in question.

And a thought he'd kept ignoring, played its way back to his mind,

He's of no use, I should throw him out. It was all futile.

Gesturing towards the two at Ganyu, he turned to Baizhu, ready to depart from this sad excuse but deserved of a house.

"Thanks for the help, Baizhu. Go back to sleep, your sanity needs it."

The inventor almost retorted but he knew this was true. "...thank you for your concern Master Diluc >:"3 "

"Chongyun"

"I-I'll be right there, Master Diluc!" Chongyun got up immediately and ran to the inventor's side.

Baizhu exchanged some words before the four watched Chongyun escort Baizhu to his "bed" in a compartment under the floor and tuck him in his comforter.

Ganyu closed her eyes for a solid five seconds. It feels like I've seen something I shouldn't have...

Kaeya just watched them in amusement before shrugging. Welp he did have a crush on that old dude in hunter x hunter at some point, this is okay.

"My apologies for making you wait, Master Diluc, I'll get to it right away." Chongyun pulled his sleeves back.

"Will you be able to still do it now that Qiqi's also here?" Ganyu asked in concern.

She did not want to switch dimensions mid step. Accidentally falling into a sci-fi themed, dystopic universe where most of the human population had magically disintegrated from a ridiculous disease that affected only females and left the rest in shambles and to depend on the sole woman in there was not what her commission detailed. Fucking straight white woman wattpad fanfictions... In the end she couldn't even find Bastardious III, the feline pet of some cherub, who'd run away.

Diluc glanced at her shudder from war flashbacks. But he was also curious. Was it possible?

"Qiqi doesn't have much energy than regular celestials and demons." Chongyun stated, "so I probably won't feel much different."

Probably.

"We don't usually have any casualties with the door so don't worry about it, Master Diluc!"

They did, in fact, have casualties.

Since this entire story is centred around one character, it is stupidly evident what happened next.

Ganyu was safe this time, however when she felt an emptiness in her hand, she did not feel the relief she was supposed to.

When they'd reached back inside their living room, Ganyu turned back only to find Kaeya and Qiqi gone. Whoosh.

Life was not very tuturu.

"W-What- were you not holding his hand?? What happened???" Chongyun started to panic, obviously worried about his job.

"If they fall into a different dimension, they wouldn't want to come out. E-Every one of them is better than the mortal world!"

Oh.

Ganyu hummed. On second thought, that does make sense. No wonder the three of them here fucking suck at golf.

Chongyun started to pace around, closing his eyes and trying to locate wherever the two could've fallen into. Meanwhile Ganyu looked around, surprised at the silence in the house. Was Xiao not here?

"Master Diluc, was Xiao given any orders that I'm not aware of?"

Diluc seemed to have sensed the odd silence too. He hadn't.

Xiao should've been here the second they'd returned, clearly very loyal and obedient in his duties despite the countless number of times Diluc had told him to fucking chill and become his emo goth nephew. Xiao was only two of them, apparently he cannot "fucking chill".

Diluc shook his head, pushing his cascading hair back with a dainty hand. "I'd told him to just look after the house. Check around, he might be in his room playing that electronic blue haired girl's music a little too loud."

Ganyu nodded and disappeared immediately.

Meanwhile, the two currently MIA were suddenly sat on two lounge chairs in a beach. There was another empty chair next to them. It was sunny and yet almost comfortably warm. Kaeya sat up and looked around in confusion. The relief that set in on spotting Qiqi next to him with sunglasses on almost immediately dissipated when he realized they were in the middle of nowhere. What kinda lock-and-key system relied on the power of holding hands??? WHY??

"Oi Qiqi"

The babie hummed.

"where are we?"

Qiqi pushed her sunglasses to the bridge of her nose and looked around. And immediately started vibrating nonstop. 

"QIQI DOESN'T KNOW"

"OKAY SHIT IT'S OKAY DON'T PANIC WHAT THE FUCK"

The lil marshmallow sniffled as Kaeya rubbed her head, bringing her back from vibrate to standby mode. 

"Ah, I'm so sorry for the delay" 

The two jumped at the foreign voice. 

"they ran out of melon bread and were stocking up in sometime so I had to wait, you know, lunch and all" the monotone voice sighed, sounding exhausted.

It was a girl, possibly a student based on being in uniform, and she had the healthiest hair Kaeya had ever seen. He unknowingly brushed a hand through his own thin blue hair with envy. Hair fall was not only limited to mortals. She dropped a plastic grocery bag on the chair. 

"How long have you been waiting?" She took a seat on the lounge chair next to Kaeya and pulled out a little notepad and a Miffy pencil. He glanced cautiously at the solid plastic bag next to her.

Kaeya blinked. "Um I don't know, I just woke up right now" He rubbed the back of his neck, genuinely wondering about the question now.

Did he wake up as soon as he fell in here or had he been sleeping this whole time?

"Huh" She took a bite of her bread. "And is that your child?"

Kaeya glanced at Qiqi lying on the sand face first. "Kind of, yeah but I'm not her dad or something"

The girl blinked and scribbled something in her notepad. 

"Who are you?" Kaeya finally asked. "And where is this, what are we doing here?"

The girl sighed. "You're one of my clients, or maybe someone else who decided they wanted to sent here. This was supposed to be my home but my weird magical girlfriend didn't understand that giving a broke person an island in a different dimension is not as smart as it sounds, it's just super cool."

Another bite. "However I am in need of money and beings keep magically dropping in here with untreated trauma and mental problems. You, Kaeya Alberich, are undeniably one of them and so I, Mona Megistus, extend my services to help you understand and be able to solve whatever mommy or daddy issues you've been carrying through your lifespans."

....what?

Then it clicked.

Kaeya got up. "Look girlie, I don't need any kinda therapy. I've been thrown here accidentally and I just wanna know how to get back.

Mona clicked her tongue murmuring, "that's what they all say..."

"No no no I'm being serious. I was with two celestials and a god. Do you know Baizhu? We were in that realm and-"

"Ahhh you let go of someone's hand didn't you" She snapped her fingers.

"I'm sorry but holding onto sweaty hands is definitely very disgusting, you'd have done that too" 

Mona sighed exasperated and set her notepad down. "This doesn't happen very often, you know. Sorry you couldn't hold someone's sweaty hand for like one second."

The sheer audacity!!!

"Just so you know I am a demon. I could very easily blast you out of this island." Kaeya smiled, gritting the very teeth he lied out of. 

"I'd like to see you try," she sipped from her juice box. Qiqi now stood directly next to her, very keen to have a taste. "This realm cancels out any outside powers. The most you could do is throw sand in my shirt."

Kaeya grimaced. Welp, at least she doesn't know his whole history so far or something. 

"Also, I doubt the powers you lost a week ago could randomly show up at your whim suddenly."

Well fuck.

Defeated, he slumped back down on the chair. "So what is this place"

Mona was scrolling on her phone now. "I told you, it's a dimension outside of the regular mortal world. I don't know if it's on a map or something but it's one of many others out there."

"And what're you supposed to be, some sorta otherworldly therapist?"

"I, ahem" she put her phone down, nose up, "am an astrologist. I take readings, do future telling, shit like that."

"But somehow everyone out there loves to traumadump on the first stranger they see" she rolled her eyes.

"Oo take my reading." Kaeya beams.

She gives him a onceover. "You got money?"

He grins. "I know someone who does."

She shrugs. She's never been paid once anyway. 

"Okay, turn this way. And gimme your hands, if they're sweaty I can smack you with a fish."

....fish? From where?

A short visual of Mona hunched over in water, trying to catch a fish to smack Kaeya with, played in his head.

She grabbed his hands slowly, closing her eyes as she felt at his joints, curves, knuckles. Her hands seemed to be studying the very way his hand worked. 

"What're-"

"shh"

"..."

Finally, after two minutes, she opened her eyes. 

She almost seemed worried for his hand like it had cancer or something.

Can hands get cancer...?

"Do I have can-"

"Wait." She exhaled softly and rubbed her face. Okay was this normal because Kaeya was starting to get concerned.

And he rightfully did. 

"Kaeya um, I don't know how to say this very well"

"I know you're wrapped up in something not short of an absolute mess, but there's more to come."

He raised his eyebrows.

"There's a bigger force at play here, you're being unknowingly controlled by a powerful entity. Take this with a grain of salt, okay? This can be interpreted in many ways."

Kaeya gulped. He didn't know how else he could interpret this. "Oh."

"There's more." She pursed her lips. "You know there's that whole race thing with hell, heaven? Gods and all. Celestia or something." Kaeya nodded.

"Yeah so that um,"

"something bad is going to happen to the big three"

"and you might be involved in it."

Chapter Text

Soft grunts echoed through the empty space. A sharp drag and the clang of metal hit the floor loudly.

"This is someone from grapesucker's entourage? Don't fuck with me..." A low voice spoke, clicking their tongue.

"...What're you doing here? I could report this back to Yanfei, you know?"

A soft giggle. "You could,"

"only if you get out of here first." The person flipped his hair back, bowl cut uselessly falling back around his eyes. "Xiao, was it?"

"no, J-John...."

"I don't care, pineapple head. Now tell me," He leaned back while floating in mid air- however hard he tried Xiao could not remove the image of a flamingo flying out of his head as he witnessed this.

"was there any odd energy felt in that area anytime recent? Say in the last two weeks?"

Oh.

Oh fuck.

Xiao stilled and although his expression seemed very much like how he is at anytime of his life, crumb cat began to bust a move in his head slowly.

It was Kaeya.

Kaeya showed up around that time.

Xiao didn't think about any of the holes in the sky or the demon suddenly receiving his powers and losing them almost instantly because of some other higher power at play, Xiao just wanted to get this over with. Get rid of the demon this easily? Yeboi. Get rid of the fucking Lawmaker? Double yeboi.

However, how to subtly put it forward?

"Or perhaps," the demon who was watching Xiao's entire mental debacle- he didn't watch shit, Xiao looked like a blank sheet of paper throughout the entire ordeal- started again.

"did you happen to bump into or acquaint yourself with a demon?"

THE CRUMB CAT INSIDE XIAO'S HEAD WAS BUSTING A MOVE EVEN HARDER.

The Lawmaker smirked. His pupils dilated like a cat's, how cute...

Finally Xiao spoke, "...what if I have?"

The Lawmaker grinned, revealing his sharp canines. "Now that wasn't too hard, was it? Such a good boy" He slowly floated down, high boots touching the hard marble underneath.

"I'm not confirming anything. I just want to get out of here." Xiao snarked, ears red from the earlier comment.

"Sure, boy." The demon rolled his eyes. "I'll let you out only when I get what I want so good luck with that."

"What do you want?"

The demon grinned. "You'll find out."

"Now,"

"did you or did you not meet a demon here, and was he a blue-haired, annoying lil shit?"

Fuckkkkkkk

Xiao shrugged internally. He couldn't cover up for him, this was direct contact from Hell, it'd be super suspicious for him to have any involvement. If it was found he's housing or acquainted to a random... wait a second, 

what really was Kaeya?

Why the fuck is he here??

HOW THE FUCK DID NOBODY QUESTION THIS???

The demon in front snorted, watching Xiao pause for another mental debacle.

Wait wait wait, Xiao sat up straight, hands on his knees, Kaeya demon.

Ah, the problem was at the base.

What next...

Xiao's eyes perked up. "He showed up here by himself!! During the exam!!"

"Yeah. Then?" came an amused voice.

Welp.

And then he never went back... for whatever reason. And also the time he disintegrated from a wind slap. Xiao knew the demon went out of line for eating his Miffy pudding cups that week but surely not enough for him to react like that?

The last time Xiao remembers losing control like that was when he bumped into Aether for the first time and oh damn Xiao suddenly doesn't remember it anymore he's playing an endless loop of nyankogelion. Oh boy these bitches gay. 

Finally Xiao mentally sighed. There was no dodging it. The demon could be unaccounted for, not Master Diluc.

"He came by Master Diluc's house, thought it was part of the exam."

The demon's eyebrow raised. He knew it was dumb to include a celestial punishment ground within the exam region. Dumbass Celestia.

 "What did you do about it"

Nothing.

Xiao pursed his lips. "We informed him it wasn't. I kept shifting the location so he wouldn't show up again."

The demon licked his lips. The exam had ended at least an hour before Kaeya returned, and that too not even intentionally. He had gone missing and out of radar before they traced him and whooshed his ass back to Hell. 

If it was a classic case of "this horny neet summoned me to fulfil all their unrealistic romantic desires and now oops I guess I'm stuck to them" Hell wouldn't have paid a lot of mind to him. Actually even if it wasn't Hell wouldn't have cared because technically what the fuck was Kaeya gonna do that could bring forth chaos or topple the working of a massive realm?? The most he could do was make someone find out all their disturbing kinks. 'Oh the horror I'm a furry' Hell would cackle and give him a fucking churro. 

However. Somebody decided they'd start a coup against the one place that accepted them for liking pineapple pizza, against the one place that didn't have fucking currency so you could steal and get rich(not that it would do anything), against the one place that had the sexiest and horniest, and at the same time, the sexiest and undersexed (I googled the opposite of horny, deal with it) motherfuckers in all the dimensions and that somebody thought it was a good idea??? 

He clicked his tongue. Not helpful to think about it now. 

The demon waved his hand and immediately the empty void around them broke away, dissolving into the mortal realm and that wasn't a very nice decision because it let them out into the most random part of the mortal realm. 

"WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LET US OUT IN THE SKY"

The demon was annoyed at this himself, but how does his fucking prisoner have the balls to be too??

"I CAN STILL FUCK UP YOUR FACE YOU KNOW"

Xiao grumbled something- under his breath of course because if anybody from Celestia heard him they would be shitting themself- and closed his eyes, trying to focus. His weapon formed in his palms and as soon as it did, the still falling demon knew what was happening.

Xiao nyoomed through the air. Because of lacking in vocabulary, the author chose to use Hinata Shoyo's.

Clouds whooshed aside as Xiao broke through them, still nyooming mid air. And yet something was off.

He shivered a little from the sudden cold air around his nethers before he glanced down and fuck he shouldn't have because plastered to Xiao's leg was none other than the demon from earlier.

Oh yeah and Xiao's pants were off for some reason.

"KSHGFDSKAJ" He choked.

"If you drop us now I can bring you to Hell on charges of 'Attempted Respawn' " The demon flipped his hair back, still forgetting that bowlcuts can't work this way.

Xiao grimaced and uselessly pulled on his pants, at least his undies hadn't come off with it. But then again who's gonna be looking so hard at the sky that they catch a glowing dong flashing through the air. Some wish on a star that'd be.

Oh yeah. Angels glow. Suck at disguises because of that.

"Park down there, next to the seven-eleven."

"..."

"Fine, I'll buy you something in return."

-

Ganyu was close to shitting golf balls. And she didn't even shit. Which made her panic so much more because what was she supposed to do to cope now?? 

Celestials and demons don't work the same way as humans do even thought they almost look the same. 

They have no tummy pain, no number 1 or number 2, no puking, no hunger or headaches, and thank Morax's ominously ambiguous coochie/dong definition, no more fucking period cramps. 

Which meant Ganyu could never use Xiao's cooking as an excuse to escape interacting. Or her own cooking. Or Master Diluc's cooking. Fuck's sake, there was a reason why they had Thoma sent here.

Getting back to the matter at hand, how did Kaeya even disappear? Ganyu remembers holding his hand properly. She didn't want any risks. He did have Qiqi on him after all.

And yet he just disappeared as soon as they stepped through the door. What's worse is now Chongyun couldn't focus and was sitting defeated surrounded by a pile of popsicle wrappers while Master Diluc sat on the yard porch, kinda unbothered.

Ganyu checked in Xiao's room again, still empty. 

Where could he have gone?

Unbeknownst to the Celestial, our favourite jaded babygirl was fighting his inner demons to decide on one thing to buy in the seven-eleven.

Meanwhile, Kaeya wasn't having fun either.

"She did what?"

"Yeah she hung by the tree outside my class window to check on me. She even fell twice but sure me not drinking enough water is the problem here."

"You- I- hahh" Kaeya groaned. "there's so much to unpack here, why would she go so far to check on you if it's just about drinking water"

Mona pouted. Then raised an eyebrow. "She's worried about me, I guess?"

Kaeya pressed his palms together. "You don't have any classes with her, she likes to bring you lunch everyday, you come to this domain almost everyday after classes and when you go home it's already pretty late. What do you think"

Mona's eyes perked up. "Oh shit"

"You fucked up"

Mona took a few seconds burying her face into the collar of her sweater before getting up.

"I'm gonna make her stupid crow a hat." 

"She has a crow?"

"I dunno either man, I just accept stuff at this point."

Kaeya sighed. 

This had to be the punishment Hell promised. 

"Anyway can I get out of here?"

Mona, now eyebrows furrowed in determination, nodded. "Exit's right there" She pointed to the very obvious door right behind him which had a massive 'EXIT' board right above it. Kaeya wanted to punch himself, he could've ran out of this shoujo high school snafu easily.

"Qiqi c'mon"He called out. Qiqi had got bored and was rolling on the sand.

"Thanks for uh the obvious oversight" Mona rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. "oh yeah also, forget about the payment. Your tab's been striked."

I mean, you weren't helpful anyway

Kaeya reminisced over Mona standing on the chair yelling at him "YOUR EX HAS FUCKED UP UNDERSTANDING ABOUT HIS SELF WORTH GO HUG HIM PLEASE"

Sure, Kaeya shrugged. if he doesn't dwell on the yarn all over his apartment too much.

So far, his output was- 

Mona Megistus is a chosen one, and her powers seem to be coming from another dimension. 

Which meant,

she could possibly help Kaeya get his powers back.

He could finally help out the three.

Chapter Text

Mona Megistus could help him get his powers back.

Kaeya blinked.

Then his head dropped in the heavy realization that he has to fucking stay longer than this. 

Or he could do the traditional 'seek and yeet'.

He cleared his throat, turning back slightly. "Mona"

The girl looked up from her phone.

"how do you suppose some random magical being gets their powers here?"

Mona hummed in thought. Few seconds go by.

Okay, so far no mention of her girlfriend. Going good.

"Using a vision, I suppose? I'm not sure how other people's visions work but um," she cleared her throat. "this one time my cat was sleeping on my vision and accidentally shifted our apartment into Liyue. It was a little chaotic but Morax was amused."

"WHOA Morax-?? wait no don't" Kaeya tried to control himself. This girl was too OP! 

He turned back towards the door. This can wait till his social battery charges up again. "Thanks, I guess"

"Good luck with your crow hat"

And finally. FUCKING FINALLY. He was gone.

Gone after so long that in this time the author got the balls to get over his genshin obsession and get addicted to a whole new game-

It was white for sometime before his vision cleared up and he stood in the middle of a grocery store aisle with the magical babie next to him. He looked at the product right in front of him- melon bread.

"I kinda have an idea" There was a mischievious glint in his eye. A corner of his lips turned upwards. An unfortunate middle schooler who just wanted an afterschool snack peed his pants.

"Candy for Qiqi"

He chuckled. "Candy for Qiqi."

Kaeya was already making his way back to the house- not before shoplifting a few snacks ehe- when he stilled at the most familiar aura he had to his home, the very home back in Hell. It was stinky.

Qiqi looked at him, confused at why he'd suddenly stopped.

Kaeya pursed his lips and continued walking.

It smells of him...

Of the very person that solely(nah he didn't) put him down here. (Kaeya dramatic lil bitch)

Of that sexy, pretty cure obsessed, vanilla bitch.

Of Childe.

Kaeya shrugged. What really was he going to do? He doesn't want to hide from him. Nor does he have the power to slam dunk his ex through a couple dozen buildings, or even one building for that matter.

Granted, Kaeya didn't have his powers so he could be wrong by kilometres (haha metric system amirite suck my balls) but then again such a stinky odour was so strong its physically incapable of being from the mortal realm. Just like marmite. Fucking demons got too creative.

They saw the familiar house come into view and Qiqi pitter-patted away excitedly towards it. Dumbass. She can't even reach the door.

Kaeya giggled softly and opened it, noting immediately how much noise was coming from the living room. 

Welp, just going to avoid that place now, He walked past it, beelining for the stairs.

"Ganyu!" Qiqi opened the living room behind him, ruining whatever chances he had of escape.

"Qiqi, you're back," Xiao noted the obvious.

Before Kaeya could poke his head into the room with a cheeky comment about Xiao a hand instantly shot out to smack his face and push him out with the certification of a bitch slap.

"Wha-"

"There's a fly on your face! LEMME KILL IT"

And before he knew it he fell back out.

From his position on the floor, Kaeya could hear Diluc clear his throat inside and lamely say- "We're very cautious and caring about each other here, y'know insects are just" and continued by making a gurgling noise that very well could pass off as a cat on catnip.

"Xiao I know we have a little tension between us, but can you get off"

Xiao complied without any comebacks. He put a finger to his lips and oh boy, this was the first time Kaeya had ever seen the celestial so out of place.

Xiao's eyes were fixed on the door, a little pink tongue peeking out between his lips unconsciously (which Kaeya shockingly deduced was Xiao mlemming), and worst of all, this was the first time Kaeya had seen him in actual celestial clothing. No more goth, emo oversized hoodies, this was Xiao in skanky, over-the-top female fantasy video game npc clothing. 

Aether would have an aneurysm. Kaeya furrowed his eyebrows. ....Orgasm?

He wanted to peek over the door if Diluc was too but Xiao almost instantly read his mind and shut the door with his foot. 

He dragged the demon by the hand to his room and as soon as Xiao shut the door behind him, Kaeya's shirt was already off. 

"Celestia might- the fuck-?? PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON" 

Under the room, Diluc coughed again, coming up with more batshit excuses- "Xiao's always been a troubled celestial" he looked down solemnly, "we had to cage him while bringing him here"

Ganyu nodded energetically in agreement. Welp, that was the only thing she could do right now except for laugh nervously at their guest's dark jokes and shoot flies with her FUCKING CELESTIAL BOW AND ARROWS BECAUSE OF THAT FUCKING COMMENT THIS IS FUCKING SUMMER MASTER DILUC WHY-

Kaeya, now with his shirt back on, was holding both of Xiao's hands from wrangling him on the spot.

"This dude showed up from Hell" Xiao grumbled, trying to headbutt the demon. "it's possible celestia might be trying to reach you, I don't know why though" He glared at Kaeya.

Master Diluc somehow had been the first to realize- what the fuck was Kaeya even doing out here in the first place? No disrespect to him though.

"So you'll have to fend for yourself from now on."

Eh?

"What why- mmph-!" That was the sound of Xiao finally reaching Kaeya's face with his head.

Xiao brought his hands back, turning away towards the door. "Why not? You haven't been of much use here anyway. What obligation do we have to house you?"

And he walked away, leaving the demon with way too much realness to deal with, way more than what he dealt with. Usually, it was zero. He's a floating demon from Hell who got dumped by the secretary of the God of Hell, his life might as well not be real.

Xiao wasn't wrong.

But obviously Kaeya doesn't want to accept that. So he chose to grumbled meanly under his breath- "At least I'm not a pining emo lil shit who turns into a cat to avoid his crush"

"FUCK OFF"

So it wasn't really under his breath that much. Eh. Xiao could search for him and beat him up wherever Kaeya's going next.

He pouted. Maybe mooch off of them for sometime more? How would they even kick him out- wait no Ganyu could definitely kick him out he's seen her lift up beds to clean under them and much to his dismay, he has almost zero blackmail material on her. Except that she simps over Keqing but what's he gonna say- "Boo catgirl simp" ??

Qiqi climbed into his window. "Kae"

"Aw there you are" He squished her cheeks. Sigh, dopamine.

"What's up my lil poo baby" He noticed the unfortunate white stain that had, usually staining the top of her head, was now on her hat. Eh at least she didn't break down this time. 

Grabbing the tissue box conveniently next to his pillow- you know why it was there :) -he tried his best to clean up, obviously tissue v/s wet cloth wouldn't work out but somehow Kaeya felt the need to keep his hands busy. 

Five minutes go by.

"Kaeeee" Qiqi whined. "play."

Receiver's name, main subject. Qiqi gets to the point pretty well.

Kaeya pursed his lips.

He could spend some time here. He could try them and see how long till they physically kick him out. 

He could keep getting on their nerves.

And yet he tilts his head and smiles apologetically. "Sorry Qiqi, I'm a bit busy."

Qiqi pouts and stares him down for five seconds before turning and jumping out the window. Based on the high pitch shriek from outside, she probably killed the landing.

I... don't wanna stay here actually, He laid back on the bed, looking at the ceiling. I'm kinda... bored?

He gets up. Yeah.

I'm gonna leave.

He stretched his back. 

Welp, I probably should leave them a 'thank you' gift first.

Kaeya looked around his room, hoping to find that one basic item among all the little things he owned here.

When he found the small blue marker, he grinned. 

I could've helped them but they're kinda trash, Kaeya then pouted. Should've banged Diluc once more though. 

He'll keep meeting new people. Maybe even another unfortunate chosen one. Who knows?

He pulled at his eyepatch, pitch black eye coming into view. The red rune was a little dim now but of course, Kaeya didn't know that because how the fuck would he look at his eye. 

He sneaked into Xiao's room to steal some paper, and after he was sure he's prepared, decided to go down. However, Ganyu stood right next to the staircase this time. Almost like she was guarding it.

"Whatsup my dude"

"Turn back."

He pouted. "Y'all are kicking me out but I can't even leave? Get your shit together."

Her eyes perked up in realization then she rubbed her head sheepishly, flustered. 

"O-Oh um then"

"I'll make things easy, how bout I leave once whoever's gone? If I get caught it'd be outside this house then."

Ganyu actually seem to consider it.

AND GANYU WAS WEAK.

So that's how Kaeya had enough time and enough discreteness worthy of a ninja(or fucking Swiper from Dora, you guess) to safely be done with his business and leave outside, stalling inside a 7/11.

Anytime now keke, he chuckled to himself. Anytimeee

But was Childe really here-

"Um, excuse me"

Kaeya hummed and looked away from the melon breads. Somehow he suddenly had been craving it way too much now. Fucking hell Mona. 

"can you put your wings down? It's in the way."

Eh? 

Kaeya blinked then felt behind him. No way.

NO WAY

Chapter Text

Kaeya flipped. Like physically. Also it wasn't just him, he flipped an entire shelf too.

"Ah- fuck-"

"Stay in-"

"Fuck fuck fuck" Kaeya was panicking, his wings had never felt so heavy before. How did he not notice them there?? They're fucking massive, he should have.

And as he stumbled into and dropped shelves, the boy next to him just glanced at the door and sighed, relieved that the store was empty with nobody to explain shit to.

"Hey. Sit."

Kaeya turned almost instantly and when he was looking at the guy, somehow he'd grown much taller? Or rather Kaeya was much lower. He was now on the floor, sitting.

"What the fuck" he frowned.

"Good. Now help me clean up."

"Wait what" and when Kaeya blinked, he was already up with a few boxes in his hands.

"What the fuck??" 

"Chosen one stuff. Please don't panic here, I'm not capable of helping you out." The person deadpanned and looked completely blank, but the look in his eyes made Kaeya think of a pleading capybara. Or the one-eyed goose back in his uni days. Wish there was goose therapy for the lil dude.

Kaeya furrowed his eyebrows but nonetheless gave a small nod. 

"First time?"

He looked at the boy. He was a little shorter than him, not by a lot, still Kaeya tilted his head down to talk, feeling a little playful.

"With what"

He glanced at the wings still hanging behind Kaeya. "Y'know, dropping by the mortal realm. Or getting those wings. I'm not sure."

Kaeya sighed. Fuck Hell, man, he can't even explain his situation. Obviously getting found cheating was fucking lame, how was he supposed to intimidate this lil guy once he told him the story??

"Not really. It's messed up. My powers are not..." he furrowed his eyebrows, trying to think. "powering?"

The boy made an 'ah' and nodded. "Did you come here unregistered?"

"Nah man I got dropped here."

"What"

"They just dropped me here. Like a baby, you know."

The employee raised an eyebrow. 

"Parents have dropped their babies at least once. There's literally nobody who hasn't."

"No that's not why..." He paused, looking at the cereal box in thought. 

"I'm guessing you don't have a particular reason to be here, do you? Or rather,"

"you haven't realized why you're here?"

Punishment.

That's all Kaeya could think of. 

Because that's what they'd told him before he woke up in here again. 

So naturally, he'd assumed that's what it is.

But like, this isn't bad.

Sure, being subject to four pining chicken virgins was insufferable enough but then again he wasn't in a state he wanted to... come out of? 

No powers? Sucks. No impromptu sex? Eh he can live. No blasting a random stranger with an iron board unprecedented in public without people questioning it? Bummer but he can settle for influencers existing in public spaces- almost the same feeling. 

This wasn't. Bad.

Just inconvenient.

"Just because I'm not dumping everything instantly, don't assume shit. It's none of your business anyway."

At this there was silence. 

"You come here a lot at night," The boy started.

Kaeya didn't reply.

"which is quite normal, there's usually a lot of students dropping by at night anyway, and I'm always here. You know, I'm pretty observant if I'm being quite honest."

Where is he going with this? Kaeya frowned.

Ah wait.

Ah.

Of course, Kaeya wasn't sneaky at all throughout all those times he stole melon breads and candies for Qiqi (for himself too but he's not the only one to blame here).

"Mister you can't threaten me with blackmail when I can literally drop you from the sky." Kaeya deadpanned. He did have his wings now so.

The boy opened his mouth to say something then stopped. Almost pouting he continued to work. Kaeya almost wanted to roll his eyes and walk away but he was a little busy with trying to sneak a cereal box into his sweatshirt.

Initially Kaeya wanted to leave right after but somehow leaving a kid alone to clean up his mess felt like a new low. Regardless if the kid is an employee or not.

And this wasn't Thoma's good nature guilt tripping him. Probably.

A few minutes later, Kaeya was ready to destroy the retail industry and go home when he paused.

Fuck.

Retail was kinda tricky, maybe a big corporation would be better?

The kid, whose name he now learnt is Albedo- fancy ass main character name pssh- noticed him stop suddenly. Albedo grabbed something from across the store and came back to Kaeya. 

"Thanks for the help." He gave a small nod and handed him a small candy before watching the blue, one eyed man shuffle out awkwardly.

Kaeya had no idea where to go. Also he'd forgotten to check up on his ingenious stunt. For fucks sake that was supposed to be his new blackmail material on those three.

"If you're wondering about what happened to those three magic people, I haven't sensed anything weird yet." Albedo called out, poking his head out from behind an aisle. Clearly the kid was too bored.

Kaeya raised his eyebrows. "What kinda powers do you have, kid? That was freaky."

Albedo shrugged. "They're messy so I don't really keep track. " He placed his face into his hands leaning onto the counter with an all-too-sudden shin chan level sparkle in his eyes. "Are you looking for a place to stay? Did your found family and you get into a particularly touchy kerfuffle that's made you want some space for sometime but you don't know where to go?"

Oh whatever's left of Dain's limited edition doraemon boxers, please hold Kaeya back before he loses his shit over some kid in the mortal world-

A little sneeze breaks the deafening silence at our favourite Celestial household.

"So um, Master Diluc" Ganyu nervously started, glaring at Xiao who was rubbing his nose in silent achievement. They'd been fighting for who'd have to start speaking. Somehow Xiao won.

Once the demon had left, Diluc had been quiet the whole time, staring at the night sky from the living room. When the God's eyes shifted from the outside yard to Ganyu, that was her cue to keep talking. 

"what is the plan now? This kind of outcome wasn't foreseen and... I doubt we can make any further use of him."

The God's eyes shifted down, looking listlessly at the floor. 

"We'll see about this tomorrow. Let's just rest for now."

The two retainers exchanged a look discreetly before nodding. 

As they got ready for bed, Xiao walked up to Ganyu in the kitchen. "Gimme"

Wordlessly, Ganyu stretched a bag of marshmallows and he sat down on the floor next to her. The two chewed quietly, watching the light around them dim slowly. Master Diluc most likely noticed the two forgot to switch off the lights for the night and is just doing that himself. 

Footsteps got louder and in a few seconds the two were stretching their necks up to look at their God, already dressed in pastel blue pajamas, ready for bed. 

He sighed softly. "Ganyu, Xiao" 

And before they knew it, the three were sat, huddled on the floor, quietly munching on marshmallows.

"m'let's jusht" Diluc swallowed. "si-"

THUD

The three jumped at the sudden violation to their door.

Xiao gets up to check. It's 9. This is his bath time, this better be good.

Behind the door, he's met with something he really didn't expect.

Kaeya was back. Not really a threat but then his eyes fell on the massive pitch black feathery wings perched on his back. A thin pointed tail darted around playfully. 

"Aha! Pining emo bitch!"

"I'm sorry about that, I barely know this man." A much softer, calm voice. And then Xiao's eyes fell on the blonde shorter boy behind Kaeya. His hand reached around the demon's waist and slowly pulled him away from Xiao.

"Ay don't stop me, blondie. I'm gonna rip one into 'em."

"Is this his house? Do I leave him here? I really thought he was just a lost celestial dude but I'm not really sure."

"You're so tiny haha well look who I replaced you with? Someone who's not this tiny BAHAHAHA-"

The blondie had the audacity to muffle a 'pfft' before glancing apologetically at the celestial. "You're not that tiny, please don't listen to him." 

The celestial almost summoned his weapon right then and there. He'll see who's tinier when he's standing on his fucking celestial weapon. Does blondie have a celestial weapon?? CAN BLONDIE STAND ON A POLEAR-

"Xiao? What's with the commotio-" Diluc stilled.

"Oh my, pulled the tiger too huh" Kaeya grinned widely.

"Oh um also, he's very drunk and heavy" Our boy, Albedo, sheepishly said. "I can't physically drag him away." He lied.

It is well within his powers to physically drag this man away. Heck, he could even make him search for a forest bear and dance the tango with it right this minute. But his life had been so bleak and boring so far so this butt hurt demon acting straight on impulse was the first time he's been amused this week.

He really wanted to see what's going on.

Kaeya was dangerously leaning forward, now mid air while still holding onto Albedo. His wings stretched open behind him, blocking out the moon. 

"You know, I really expected I'd hold onto your leg after a God came to bed with me." His fingers traced Diluc's jaw. "But now I'm convinced you're just the regular celestial trash." 

Diluc grabbed his wrist. "Would you like to remember what I did to you the last time you did this?"

War flashbacks of a baby Kaeya peeing everywhere hit Xiao instantly and he dreadfully stared at the God in cold sweat. Not a baby again. Anything but a baby.

A drunk Kaeya leaned a little too much to the right. His suspended body was swaying unstably in deep thought. Realising his mind was working only with two brain cells he decided to play the all-too-familiar trick to ✨ignore✨. 

"And you wouldn't believe how easy it was to replace you and that shitty night of fucking" He giggled uncontrollably, having fun at this point with his lying. "It was so easy. "

Xiao awkwardly gave Diluc a glance. The God had resorted to crossing his arms and watching this shit show casually as he leaned on the door.

"Who are you, boy?"

His eyes shifted to Albedo now. His sleepy eyes perked up from suddenly being called. 

"I uh live here? I'm Albedo, I work at the seven-eleven in the area." He looked at Xiao. "You buy way too many pop tarts."

Flabbergasted and offended, Xiao was instantly cut off by Master Diluc's quick response. "Did he bring you to this house, or did you bring him?"

Ah.

To be honest, Albedo knew about the house already. He hadn't really thought about checking it out but somehow he felt like he shouldn't meddle with the immense radiation pouring out from the area. 

The two had spent almost an hour looking for the house. Kaeya being drunk wasn't really helping, instead it only fueled him to search harder.

Almost immediately Albedo pointed to the demon- who was now whining and sleepily lying his cheek on Diluc's blocking hand.

The God sighed. "Of course."

"Master Diluc we can't keep-"

He nodded slowly, pursing his lips.

"I didn't want it to come down to this,"

Albedo watched the God lift his hand up, possibly summoning something otherworldly. He hoped it was donut. Albedo hungry.

"I really wanna go to sleep right now..." The God mumbled tiredly. 

In a few minutes, Kaeya would be waking up in a cushy futon, in a room that he's never been in before, slowly realizing his wings have gone right back to where they'd been sleeping the whole time he was in the mortal realm.

Looking around, he was glad it didn't seem to be the house he'd been in the whole time, but a pang at the heart said otherwise. Pang not a doki. Doki will come later :c

Well at least he was far from all the pining chicken virgins that suspiciously seemed to appear all around him in that period.

A door opened behind him and he recognised the blonde employee who he'd bumped into the other night. 

Placing a warm tray of eggs and pancakes next to Kaeya, an odd glint shone in his eyes.

"Finally awake." He said in a dead voice.

"Tell me about that tiny emo dude we met yesterday. And his interests. Oh and if he's single" in a little whisper he added, "gotta eliminate my rivals"

Kaeya's face first turned into surprise, then disdain. And finally morphing into complete frustration as he cursed at whichever Archon was listening.

"FUCKING HEL-"

Chapter Text

A sigh left our favourite demon fuckboy's lips. Can we even call him that now? The last time he fucked was nineteen chapters ago. Great. Now he has two problems, his whole identity is in shambles.

"Why're you upset if you weren't even close?" Albedo tilted his head. Kaeya grumbled something incoherent under his breath, explaining himself. 

"Huh." Albedo nodded.

Kaeya had sobered up a little by now, still leaning on the blonde man as they made their way to his house. That didn't feel as satisfying as he'd expected. He just felt even more like a loser now. 

At thinking times like these, Kaeya had only one solution. He's gonna get to his house and fall asleep. He doesn't wanna think.

"Qiqi's there..." He mumbled softly.

Albedo glanced at the man. "I mean, it's not like you are barred from going back, are you?"

Kaeya sniffled. Oh he wasn't sobering up, never mind. This man needs to sleep.

He felt a nice few head pats and before he knew it, he'd fallen asleep on Albedo.

As nice as it was, the first thought running through the blonde's mind was- 

Why did I do that I can't hold him up I just made things more difficult for me, I'm a soft romantic but I'm still fucking weak-

As much as the writer would love to do a deep dive on Albedo's character and past tragedies that made him so adorable, scrunkly and OP its timeskip time bitch.

Kaeya's time at the celestial household wasn't long but Diluc's dick sure was. Sure, it took Kaeya a good two days to mentally register what'd happened the exam day and recover but after that he'd never even got to fuck him once. He was actually prepared this time. And the God didn't even bring it up again. Was Diluc an old grandpa??

And so the only way he could satisfy himself was to be delusional. Kaeya fantasized about all the other ways he could be with Diluc, sniffing his soft fluffy hair, burying his face into his massive bazongas, tracing his hand over his insanely smooth toned legs, and of course his highly anticipated- to wake up to his dong in his face.

Clearly none of these happened, maybe Kaeya sniffing his hair briefly when the wind brushed it into his face, but apparently Dain felt generous this very day to create the feeling of his fantasy when Kaeya woke up to something very liquid dripping down his face.

He groaned softly, waking up from his nap after who knows and opened his eyes to one of the worst entities he could've bumped into in the mortal realm.

A loud screech breaks the peace and harmony of the school morning and another surprised shout follows with a cuss. 

"Ewewewewewew get off me, vile fiend-"

Albedo nyooms into the room to find Kaeya fiercely battling his very much drooling baby sister as she giggled and flew around in Kaeya's hands. 

Albedo carefully grabbed her out of his hold. "Kaeya, this is Klee, my younger sister."

"What was that?" A head popped in from the door. 

"This is Bennett, also my younger sister-"

Bennet coughed, "chad vibes actually"

"younger brother, my bad. They're not the same age though." Kaeya gave the tiny midget in Albedo's arms and the much larger blonde teenager a onceover. Yeah he wouldn't doubt that-

Bennett gave a friendly wave. 

"Bennett why's that compass in your hand?"

"OH FU- FUDGNUGGETS" Bennett rushed back out hopefully to a washroom to clean himself. 

"Bennett's luck is a little... off." Albedo placed Klee down and the little shroomlet ran away. "Don't let that worry you, he's manages himself pretty well." 

Kaeya gave a small nod, wiping the drool still dripping from his face. "Who takes care of y'all?" A chosen one as weird as him... has to be the same old backstory.

Albedo glanced at the wild Klee running past the door. "Alice is mostly away on work so it's usually it's the three of us taking care of each other." 

Kaeya shrugged to himself. It's that type of plot. 

Could've been worse.

"You have school right? I'll help out." He got out of bed. 

"Please brush your teeth first at least."

Kaeya grinned and suddenly blew air at Albedo's face. "I'm a demon, baths, or brushing teeth don't matter. I freshen up in other ways." 

"Albedo can you- oh oh my bad-"

Kaeya furrowed his eyebrows at Bennett's retreating figure. "He's bleeding from his head now."

"Yeah I should go help him" 

As Albedo went away Kaeya looked around the room. It was hard to not notice the giant Miku Hatsune standee next to the mirror but honestly? Based. It was small lilac room where the large bookcases took up most of the space. Photo frames covered up a wall and the wide wooden desk in the corner was sparkling clean. If Kaeya had to guess, this was probably the mom's room. They'd been cleaning it well, although there seems to be no sign of her having been here anytime recent.

Well for all he knew Alice probably died on a long secret expedition in discovering a magical prophecy and left a  guilt-tripping prophecy-related message for her kids to find out and follow to continue her legacy or some bullcrap. Kaeya couldn't care less. It was their canon event.

Right now, Kaeya felt like eating a sandwich. So he's going to make a sandwich. And so everybody is also going to eat a sandwich.

"Bennett's kinda allergic to marshmallows" Albedo was bringing their backpacks down. 

Why would I put marshmallows in the sandwi-

"He's likes marshmallows in his sandwich."

"...so do I put marshmallows or..."

"put just 2, one on each triangle."

Fifteen minutes in and Kaeya was done. He watched the three grab their school bags and leave finally, after a cute wave from each of them. 

Albedo leaned towards him. "Touch anything you're not supposed to and I can send you back to Hell without even being here. Watch yourself, demon."

He gave Kaeya a small smile and a wave before leaving to join his siblings. 

...Kaeya genuinely hadn't thought that far. At this point he was just accepting whatever happens because none of this shit was foreseen and what else is he supposed to do? Go back?? Kill himself?? Not so quick.

Just when Kaeya was turning to go back into the apartment, an all too familiar voice called out to him.

"Kaeya!"

Diluc?

Kaeya read the subtitles before the scene changed.

It was Ganyu. 

"What's up" He genuinely asked. Clearly he hadn't expected to bump into one of them so soon.

"I-Is uh" She glanced around nervously. "Is Xiao with you?"

Kaeya blinked. "Nope."

"Did you see him then..?"

Kaeya hummed and shook his head.

She nodded quickly and exhaled softly. "Oh okay. Thanks. Bye."

"Is Xiao missing?"

Ganyu grumbled some stuff(actually a shit load of stuff faster than Kaeya had ever imagined possible) under her breath and sighed. "Kinda? Yeah."

"This uh bunch of demons, I'm guessing they saw him leave the barrier, he was going out to buy a watermelon and somehow his powers got neutralized? They scooped him up and just disappeared." 

XIAO GOT FUCKING KIDNAPPED

Kaeya didn't want to but at that moment he envisioned a tiny Xiao being lured by a watermelon then tossed into a ragsack. 

"F-Fuck how're you gonna find him?"

Ganyu sighed. "Knowing him, he's probably fine but..."

Aw.

She's worried.

"he was supposed to get the Italian Basil crisps I'd requested..."

Kaeya pursed his lips.

"Are you sure they're demons?"

Ganyu nodded, clearly recalling the cheap, red horn plastic hairbands the two were wearing. She'd watched from the window as they argued with each other and followed Xiao, hiding behind cutouts of bushes. 

She'd just blinked and boom. Xiao was in a bag.

"If there's a way, I think it's fine if you hop down to Hell. It's being overridden by Celestials right now anyway."

Ganyu made a noise. "I can't just- do that! We're on a list. " She grumbled.

We? Those three are blacklisted from Hell? What in the holy light of Dain's asscrack.

Kaeya shrugged. "Hide then. Use the ol' glasses and a mustache. Nobody from Celestia would notice."

'We're not dumb' Ganyu went to say but then she recalled how Diluc, a God, literally fell for the old man medicine scam. "We're not that dumb." Ganyu said after five seconds of thought. 

"D-Do you know any other way to uh" She hesitated. "can I kill you?"

HUH?

"That's how you went back right? Because Xiao accidentally killed you? I'll make it painless." She looked at him expectantly. "You can trust me. Help me out here, I can arrange for whatever you want" adding a "with certain limitations but pretty much."

Kaeya swallowed slowly. 

"You want to kill me, so I can drop by Hell again and rescue my not-even-friend Xiao?"

"See it's still 'my Xiao' when you remove the 'not-even-fri-"

"YOU WANT ME TO DIE FOR SOME DUDE WHOSE ONLY PERSONALITY I KNOW IS A PINING SIMP???"

"Ok I know that sounds kinda lame-"

"Kinda???"

"H-How about this" She pressed her fingers together. "I get Master Diluc to sleep with you again?"

"BITCH I"

Kaeya paused. 

That's actually not bad.

"Wait are you serious?"

Ganyu's eyes perked up. 

"Xiao's wearing a striped sweater and biking shorts." She instantly started, "There were two demons, bright red horns on both of them-"

Wait what?

"-it was a big brown sack."

Oh my archons, they actually baggy sacked him-

"and it's highly possible they're underlings working for a higher power, they don't seem smart enough to be doing this on their own."

"mhm mhm can we do this inside? I don't think discussing kidnappings in public has been desensitised yet."

Ganyu paused and thought for a few seconds. "Yeah that's better."

He invited her into the apartment and he'd barely closed the door behind them when he heard a crack, a little too loudly. He turned to Ganyu in alarm but he couldn't see her. The world was turning and somehow he was now super close to the floor. 

"...nyu..?"

And he couldn't say anything more.

She fucking killed him. How rude.

Chapter Text

"Do you have to pee again?"

"I-I can't help it, Hell makes my bladder run wild..." A soft voice whined, very offended. If it wasn't for his current predicament he wouldn't be whining and would've just peed before even getting here. This is what happens when you leave your partner(he had no say in this) alone for too long and she plans an impromptu kidnapping.

"Stop eating the fucking popsicles?? It's not Hell it's the fucking water??" Almost ironically, she was losing her number two.

"Stopitt you're making it worse~" 

They stopped suddenly and the girl slowly lowered the sack from her shoulders to the pavement. She pulled out an orange soda bottle from her pocket and in record speed started to chug it without pause. 

"Here." She wiped her mouth after an unflattering burp as she handed the bottle to her partner. 

"?"

"Pee."

"??"

The boy crouched down onto his knees, and bowed completely. "I don't know if I've hurt you Amber, I'm sorry I-"

A loud, high-pitched voice passed by. "Mama is that what a 'dealing' is?"

"Chongyun I'm joking holy fuck." The girl, Amber started to laugh. "I'm sorry you felt that, Yunyun." 

Flustered, the boy shuffled as he got off the ground. 

Also, if you haven't figured by now, they were in broad daylight. Except, nobody really cared. 

They were in Hell.

Two random people with a sack, as big as them even, over one of their shoulders? Just a regular Tuesday ain't it. Also, clearly the two had some unresolved tension that was in the way of their friendship. Now really, what's more interesting, a random bag or the beautiful journey of their growing bond?

"There's probably a washroom in the Wendy's here," She gestured to the building across the street. "don't ask them where it is, they'll send you into the goose room. It's a door with a dick man graffitied in great detail. Don't talk to anyone, walk straight to the washroom okay?"

The boy, Chongyun, nodded immediately and did his piss-waddle of shame to the Wendy's.

"Why're you doing this?" Amber almost screeched.

Next to her, the bag shuffled, still tied but its content shifted around till it looked like a person sitting criss-cross apple sauce. Guess their kidnapped woke up.

"Oh you're up" She breathed out shakily.

"Who's making you do this?" Xiao continued. 

She laughed nervously. "W-What makes you think someone's~?"

Xiao huffed. If Amber could look into the bag she's sure he would be rolling his eyes. She patted around where she expected the head to be, Xiao flinching away from the touch. He wasn't acting out much, he was still under the effect. 

"What are you- no no no not my eyeliner- if this goes out-" A small blast and the body slumped down motionless. Xiao was dea-

A small grumble came out of the bag. Ah he was hungry.

Amber shut the thin book in her hand with a snap. She had no idea how to use it so it's best kept closed. Unfortunately when she was being instructed on its usage she unknowingly focused a little too much on an anemo slime prancing around in the background. It was helping a celestial carry stacks of papers and every time it dropped a page it'd blow down on it to pick it up but then another paper would drop in the process and it wouldn't realise that. It's just a little babie, so confused, so clueless. Precious. Amber wants to take the stack away from it and tuck the little cutie into a little blanket and let it watch some cocomelon. Amber wants to give it headpats, just like it deserves.

She slowly placed the thick book into her pocket and immediately turned when she heard footsteps getting closer. Ah Chongyun's bladder was emptied. 

Time to get back to their client~

In another region of Hell, a little yawn slipped out of a feline mouth. A blonde boy lugged around, head bobbing slightly from the sheer boredom of his duties. He had been assigned a little theatre neighbourhood next to the bustling inner city and the most that's even happened to him was a wandering bdsm circus troupe that had ushered him over only to ask him the way to the inner city. Plus, it was a quiet neighbourhood. Drug deals and smoking dwarves had become way too common for his poor young eyes. What had he done to be stuck here? Oh yes, he'd accidentally wore fake demon horns into a meeting. In his head, it was pretty funny. At least he got a soft snort out of that tall pretty ginger. 

Aether's eyes traced around, looking for something, anything exciting or deadly enough to put him out of his misery, when they fell on an all too familiar being. He flinched, shocked if it was really there and not just his mind fucking with him. 

He blinked. "You!"

He threw his fake horns at the man. A perfect hit.

"Blondie! What the fuck?" Our resident asshole kicked the horns on the ground, pissed he had to be hit with stereotypical caricatures the second he stepped back into Hell. 

Aether was pointing at Kaeya in this moment, on the opposite side of the road, in the middle of the street. Well yeah, why'd he do that?

"You're not dating Xiao!"

Kaeya laughed. "Yeah no shit" And went his way, very clearly set on completing the one task he'd been assigned. You may wonder, why? Is he that hell bent on helping a pissy emo cat? Did he want to come in the good graces of atleast one person in that household?  (Ganyu was suspiciously quiet and borderline oozing alpha vibes)

Nope. He just wanted to get laid again. It's been way too long.

Plus it's not like this was even hard. Isn't he supposed to be in punishment?

Somehow the universe always found a way to throw things headfirst at Kaeya without him asking for it, where's the seriousness in 'no means no'? For all he knew, Xiao's kidnappers were on this very street, maybe walking by with him with a very conspicuous hacky sack, or even chilling in the Wendy's right there. Nothing surprised him anymore. It was clear he was the protagonist of a YA novel on Wattpad. 

Maybe that's why I bumped into blondie immediately-

No. 

Kaeya's not doing this. He's not combining forces with the embodiment of a sunflower to grow above the clashing of their opposite energies to eventually become something a little more than friends and closer to family. This isn't that kinda story. It's a 'Kaeya getting railed hopefully every 5 chapters from now on' kinda story.

"K-Kaeya!" Aether called out, sulking as he stomped after the demon, determined to avenge his shattered heart. "Why wasn't Xiao there? Did you mess with him too? He's never there when I'm outside..."

Kaeya nodded along as he looked around the area for any suspicious signs of a Celestial kidnapping. Did Xiao have wings? He had fur. Could Kaeya look for any shedding fur? Xiao clearly looked stressed by any minor situation.

"...and Xiao didn't even comment on my costume for that Halloween! I wore a fucking cat tail for him. You know how I attached it? YOU WANNA KNOW HOW I ATTACHED IT???"

Kaeya's eyebrows furrowed. The people in this region were mainly just theatre nerds or small-time actors. Things usually were chill here, the fuck could go wrong? Occasionally Frozen musicals. Nothing could be going on here. Why did he spawn in this region. Ganyu.

Now he has to guess randomly where this one Celestial dude could possibly be in a place already overrun with enough grumbling, sleep-deprived Celestials.

Someplace with lesser Celestials and more demons to garner lesser attention? 

"Kaeya my ass. My ass still hurts just thinking about that day. And Xiao wasn't even there to-"

"Aether how often do Celestials from here enter into mortals?"

Aether paused in his rambling. "I don't think that's physically possible Kaeya."

"The realm Aether. I meant the mortal realm." Kaeya internally groaned.

Aether seemed to actually think for a while as he shifted around. Kaeya knew this might be a long shot but if Aether really noticed or knew such information, it's gonna make things at least a little easier for our demon. 

"It's harder to leave here than Celestia. There's lesser people using the door now. It's a lot stricter too. But demons have it worse, their approval process takes at least a day."

Ew. Discrimination.

"How long does it take Celestials to get approved?"

"About a half hour. An identification verification usually takes the most time."

"Who do they need to get approved by?"

Aether shrugs and sits down on a bench. He's getting bored and antsy. "It's supposed to be this super organised business-ey agency specially for this but it's in the process of being set up so sometimes you can get approved by a Higher Celestial or by your God themself."

Okay so. Kaeya could literally be going against a God right now. 

But also, if Ganyu knew they were Celestials, it should literally be a lot more easier for her to be here than Kaeya. She could just, talk to them. 

"Why do you ask?" Aether tilted his head. 

Kaeya wasn't sure if he should just tell him. He might help him out with this if he did. But also, Kaeya generally doesn't know the expected reaction of someone who's been told their simp material is missing. Aether might just report it as a result and- huh. And? Then what? Do they just send Kaeya back to the living world again? Does anyone even know he's not supposed to be here?

How did they even find him last time, are they keeping track of him or...? Was it pure coincidence?

Do they not know about the movement of demons in and out of Hell?

Kaeya shook his head. "What about getting back in?"

"It needs to be stated in your purpose letter. Only then it gets approved."

It is very possible Xiao got kidnapped under the order of a celestial. For what reason though? And why the fuck did they have to diguise themselves as demons?

Is Celestial okay??

As Kaeya tried to ponder on any possible plans of action, meanwhile a new problem brew in the mortal side.

"Ganyu" a shaky voice started.

"I-I said to stalk him."

Chapter Text

When Kaeya first died, he wasn't particularly angry at Xiao. It was something that happened too spontaneously, to the point where he didn't even realise he had died. If Kaeya had to sum up his most recent life as a mortal in two words- well, he couldn't. He doesn't even remember it so surely it must've been very perfect and mundane.

But if Kaeya had to describe the last few decades in Hell, he would say its 'funny'. And 'stupid'. And 'anything'. Because who would've expected Kaeya Alberich would actually end up having a more amusing time in the darkest fucking world written in all of human history. Of course, only after the whole punishment part though.

If he woke up one day and decided he wanted to burn someone's house down he could actually just go and do it. Fuck it, he could try and burn a wholeass grocery store down. It'd instantaneously respawn in a minute as good as new. If Kaeya wanted to hit on any random person and sleep with them, chances are it'd happen that day and they'd be okay never seeing each other again. If Kaeya built a house and a garden on top of any of Hell's official government buildings, he wouldn't be driven out or anything. They'd just accept it, living here wasn't important, just another phase of life.

In a way, Kaeya had got so used to anything being possible, he'd lost his sense of value with certain things. What could be so important in a place where anything and everything can never disappear? His friends could just leave him someday if they get bored of him. He doesn't need to actually work. Its just something he does to pass the time and all its about is fucking people who've summoned him and checking them off a list. It's not like the whole succubi industry could just collapse. There's no profit to be gained or anything to lose. All it does is make them more powerful. 

But really, what would any of them even use that power for?

Being thrown into the human realm didn't change anything.

It's just another situation Kaeya's in. It'll just go by soon. There's no reason to think otherwise.

"Mn." He tilted his head. "I don't have anything to do here. I'll come back." 

"I'll take these two to Keqing then. Can you wait for 10 minutes? I'll settle everything for you."

Xiao nodded. "Thanks, Aether." He gave him a soft smile. "That's really sweet."

Flushing pink almost immediately, Aether could only nod excitedly. Picking the two tied up celestials with his golden magic, Aether skipped away.

"Are you hungry?" 

Xiao blinked. Is he hungry?

Kaeya shrugged. "Hell doesn't have the same rules as Celestia. You might experience some normal body functions while being here, not always though."

Xiao has never felt hungry in the last few hundred years of his death. This was completely new to him. Was his stomach supposed to feel so tight?

The demon chuckled lightly. "You know, let's eat something first before leaving. What do you prefer?"

He crossed his arms in thought. "Something mild. Not much of spice, I guess."

"As bland as your personality, got it."

"You-!" 

Kaeya let out the nastiest of laughs as Xiao tried punching him in the gut but missed awkwardly.

"XIAO??!" A door slammed open, almost breaking instantly. The dark haired male jumped at the sudden call, barely keeping the noodles in his mouth from slipping out.

"mmph??" Two heads turned.

Kaeya swallowed quickly and grinned. "Yo Aether! Want a bowl?"  

Aether's awkwardly shuffled to where the two were sat, in a table island looking straight towards the kitchen. "W-What're you doing in uh such a place..?"

"Hm?" 

Aether's poor face was all flushed as he tried to not look at the rest of the restaurant around them. Of course, Kaeya decided the best ramen was served in a strip club. Xiao refused at first but he really didn't want to wait outside and let Kaeya feel all lonely in there all by himself so he felt he had to join him. To help.

Xiao swallowed down the umagi goodness and nervously waved at Aether. "I got hungry."

"It's pretty good right??" Kaeya chimed happily. "I'll order one for you too!"

"Ah uh, one more for me." Xiao said quietly. 

Aether sat down and joined them. 

"So uh Kaeya," He started while, somehow, his noodles arrived almost immediately. "really, what're you doing here? Or the mortal realm? I don't mean to pry thought I was just cu-"

Kaeya hummed in between bites. "Cheated in the Apostles exam and got exiled, I think. I'm being punished by being in the mortal realm."

"You were being punished?? How'd you come back, what even was your punishment?"

Kaeya stopped eating to think suddenly. Using his brain was not on his checklist so far. "Huh, I don't know actually."

He looked at Aether with furrowed eyebrows. "They just sent me there without any instructions or explanation. What is punishment usually for the celestials?" Since this exam got under the jurisdiction of celestials, it is possible his punishment is also being handled by their standards. 

Aether swallowed his noodles. "I think it was by community service in the mortal realm? I've never done anything seriously bad so the most I've got is monitoring sections of Hell."

Kaeya snorted. "Wait is that why you're here? What'd you do?" He laughed amused.

Aether looked away from the two, embarrassed. "I-I wore um demon horns into a meeting." He answered honestly. Xiao choked on his soup.

"Oh my dear boy, that got you punished? My poor, poor boy." Kaeya ruffled Aether's soft blonde hair in comfort, finally getting a chance to do it having considered it for for long. Oooo his hair quality and texture, what Kaeya would give to attain that. Having weak hair in Hell really be one of the worst shit to have stuck to you for the rest of your afterlife.

Kaeya went back to finishing the rest of his bowl, quietly eating in thought. Why'd he get dropped in with the mortals? Wouldn't torture be better? He's never heard of a demon being dropped into the mortal realm as a means of punishment, Celestia? Sure, they've had their share of educational trips. But the mortal realm and demons just don't match. It wasn't very common for a regular to step into the realm, maybe twice or thrice in their lifetime. And that even was usually for a day at max. But Kaeya's been there for what, about five whole days? Amidst which he's died twice and almost destroyed celestial grounds once and bumped into two chosen ones. What even is the point of him being there? He's just disturbing all these people. 

It's very obvious he doesn't fit in. He was an anomaly.

Kaeya looked into his spring onion relished reflection. Sure he was a spicy little bitch, sure he liked having unconventional ways of fun, but somehow being there, surrounded by so many different people with their own lives and purpose, made Kaeya feel like such a loser at this moment. 

It wasn't supposed to be like this, Kaeya was the Regina George of Hell, people who'd never talked to him worshipped him and prayed to get a chance to even look at him from a 2 meter radius. He lived in people's minds and ruined whatever relation they had with their partners and fathers just by existing in their heads. Fathers specifically.

He swallowed nothing in particular. 

"Hey Xiao" He finally said after a while of not talking. "I um had a deal with Master Diluc right?"

Xiao was now on his fifth bowl of noodles. A stack of all the food plates he's had sat in front of him neatly while he flirted shamelessly with Aether. "Multiple actually, which one in particular?"

Kaeya rolled his eyes lamely. "The one for seeing Baizhu." Aether's eyes perked up at the name. "I-I think I can fulfil it, for real."

Xiao raised an eyebrow unamused. "What do you want?"

"No! I'm serious! It's to complete my end of the deal." He was off his chair with his palms on the table.

"I think I found a way to summon my powers. While I was outside, with um that blondie."

"Aether??"

"Nono the other one. He works at the seven-eleven next to your place and kinda digs you." Aether spat his noodles.

"WHO DIGS HI-" "The chosen one???"

"That's the guy." Kaeya chose to ignore the sputtering gay panic Aether was in as the boy sat frozen with his mouth open in disbelief. He's got competition for the ultimate blondie title.

Xiao drank some of the broth and thought. Bro was pondering.

"I'll inform Master Diluc about this. He might let you inside for this." Xiao then steeled, "But if this turns out to be a trick again, he can make sure you're never let back inside any of the realms and just stuck alone in a void like Master Baizhu."

Kaeya chuckled and nodded. The chances of that happening are very high but at least that sounds more like an actual punishment than any of this shit.

"Let's get out of here then, I'll pay. My treat." Kaeya smiled at the two. He rang a little call bell set on the table and when a restaurant employee emerged from the kitchen ahead, immediately started making out with him in front of the two poor celestials.

"T-T ??? " -Xiao.

" O-O ...?" - Aether.

Kaeya pecked them on the lips one last time and the employee ruffled his hair before leaving with a cheery- "Come back again!"

Kaeya turned to the gagged wee lambs.

"Yeah, let's go!"