Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ranboo hates mornings.

Monday mornings especially.

The start of the week just has something that triggers the unhappy hormones in his brain and makes the soreness in his very old (not very old) bones excruciatingly painful. Really, he feels like he might die; flop on the earth and splutter like a fish out of water and eventually have crosses for eyes.

Like, all his bones start aching the moment the clock strikes midnight on Sunday and it's awful . It's like he is Cinderella at the grand palace one moment, and a beaten ragdoll the next.

It must have to do with the fact that he has work on Monday mornings, y'know? Actually, he works all days of the week, excluding the weekend. Blessed be the weekend. He is technically unemployed -a minor, in fact- but still! He works part-time, with no contract, money as black as coal, and he likes to think that he has a normal partnership with the pawn shop owner.

Okay, maybe he doesn't grasp the exact concept of the word 'partnership' but he brings the guy tons of stuff a week! That has to be a sort of partnership, right?

And hey, the bills have to be paid somehow, unless he wants him and his roommates to be booted out of the attic room of the block of flats they've been renting for nearly a year. Either that or never have a normal shower or a warm meal ever again.

Plus, the other residents are rather nice, Ranboo likes them and he sure as Hell doesn't want to be evicted because of something as small as rent .

He really does feel like he is going to die, though. A very slow, very painful death while he waves goodbye to this very, very cruel world -and not because it's a Monday. 

Why is he running again?

He hadn't done his morning stretches this morning, he was not prepared for a long, fast-paced jogging session on the very crooked pavement of the outer city either. Jogging wasn't exactly the activity he had gone out for, that much he can tell. He had only put on his two-toned mask and sunglasses (what he likes to call his work clothes) and left the building. Hadn't he gone out on a 'shopping' spree? Did he break something again?

He barely dips his head as the blade of a thrown axe misses his face by a millimeter and gets stuck on the side of a building with a loud crack . Oh , he remembers now! And his stomach flips for the… fifth? sixth? -he stopped keeping track after the third flip- time today.

He is so screwed , he'll be lucky to make it back alive!

Look, running from a top-ten ranking hero so early in the day was not something that Ranboo had expected nor had wanted to do today! Why he forgot such a jarring detail in the middle of his little escape is entirely beyond him as well. He hadn't expected to be running away from anyone, actually!

Well, at least, in the crowded sidewalk, he had believed that he would make it out without as much as a scratch!

That theory came out false, obviously. Ranboo can't exactly blend in with normal people. Normal people aren't as tall as the freaking streetlights , they don't have curved horns, their skin is not split down the middle -head to toe- like a ying-yang, and they surely don't have a tufted tail protruding from their butt, swishing back and forth with seemingly no control over it!

So, yeah, he can't exactly, 'magically', disappear, can he?

And he can't exactly understand how he even managed to get into this predicament, really.

He had just been minding his own business: walking along the street, looking over stalls and stands of jewelry, perhaps some unsupervised section of a bakery for bread, and spying for wallets in the back pockets of people's jeans as per usual -nothing out of the ordinary, really- and then he had bumped into the legend , The Blade himself! His idol!

Or rather, his hand had dived into the hero's back pocket before he had realized who he was stealing from.

Oops…

Ranboo still doesn't know how he didn't see the Hero in the middle of that fan circle, signing T-shirts and hats and taking pictures and whatnot.

Had he been caught on camera too? Nah, he was behind the man, hidden by the cape (how did he not recognize the cape?! He'll blame it on the shiny, golden wallet in the dude's pocket), and he's pretty sure The Blade noticed him simply because he had tugged too hard on the phone and wallet.

Under different circumstances, Ranboo would have been fanboying like a five-year-old, like any other normal individual on the street. He would be taking pictures without asking for permission first; he would be jumping up and down like an excited toddler; he would probably text or phone his friends about the encounter (if he had a phone anyway), before finally working up the courage to ask for a group photo or for The Blade's signature right on his forehead. And he would probably faint from excitement right after- and oh God, the Hero would have to give him CPR, holy, even mouth to mouth because he would forget how to breathe-

Okay, enough hero-saving-the-damsel-in-distress scenarios.

But seriously, wouldn't that be amazing?! Not the fading part- the one where he saves him! Wouldn't that be a dream come true-

He's been a Blade fan for what? Five years now? He remembers hearing about The Blade and these unbelievable actions of courage of his since he was eight or nine. And, as an impressionable teenager in search of a father figure, he picked the oblivious hero as his dad. Along the way, he even picked up the hero's monotonous drawl and everything! 

All that and he doesn't even have a piece of Blade merchandise. For shame.

Anyways.

Normally, he would be so happy to just be in the near vicinity of the stoic Hero, who spends ninety percent of his time chasing down criminals and the other ten percent doing fanservice! Honest! He wouldn't be running like a chicken with its head cut off, dodging thrown weapons that somehow miss his head and back (he is a pretty clear target as a practical giant) -and it must be his hoodie doing all the work (it's his favorite; favorite clothes are lucky, aren't they?).

Did he mention that he is not normal, though?

Yeah. 

On top of all that, he hasn't accomplished a single thing of importance yet! He can't die now !

What's he gonna brag about in the afterlife? About the plastic ducks he has in the bathroom? The toothbrush he has chopped and diced into a makeshift lockpick? Or the fact that he had pissed off a hero to the point where his body got dumped in a ditch, still single and very not ready to mingle?

Ranboo still isn't sure if the bloodthirsty hero missed that axe throw by accident or not. He did get a nick on the shoulder from it as it was recalled by an unseen force, though, so most likely by accident -a miscalculated throw if you will.

Man, The Blade is so awesome. Weird to say that as he is being chased by said hero, isn't it? If Ranboo wasn't in a fight or flight situation, he would have probably minded more about that.

The next axe throw passes right above his head, and Ranboo can almost feel the netherite blade shear some of his hair off as if he were a sheep .

He is so dead . Super dead if he is allowed to exaggerate a little bit… is it an exaggeration if it is basically the truth, though? Eh, that's a question for another day. A day when he won't be running from a to-be public executioner, when he won't be thinking of which alley to take to continue his escape route (thankfully the dead ends in the city are very rare and cautioned by street signs) without getting absolutely lost in the process.

Then again, it would be an honor to die at The Blade's hands, wouldn't it? Perhaps he could ask for an autograph as his dying wish. He'll ask for it to be written in sharpie on his forearm and then show it off to Saint Peter before he passes through the gate; that sounds like a good idea. Maybe death or a close call will scare the shy out of him, y'know? Finally make his brain understand that he shouldn't be embarrassed about asking a hero for an autograph -it's literally in the job description for heroes to sign stuff , for God's sake! Heck, The Blade had been signing a kid's cap before he noticed Ranboo's sneaky hand!

But Ranboo really doubts it will. He has had one too many close calls in the past (not that he remembers much of any other than his friends shouting at him for his idiocy) and it hasn't done anything to him; hasn't even traumatized him or scarred him for life!- nevermind, it probably has; the memory gaps can't be explained otherwise.

Then again, if he did die, Tommy and Tubbo (the most horrible thieves in existence and -sadly or not- his roommates and best friends for life) would either starve to death or live on the street for the rest of their lives. The two had almost gotten them all caught the last time they went on a stealing spree because they were obnoxiously loud (as per usual) and too obvious with their hands when they tried to sneak candy into their pockets.

Yes, they were trying to satiate their sweet tooths that day.

Oh, and let's not forget that one time that Tubbo had posed as a suicide bomber in a bank just so he could see why suicide bombers did what they did (the volunteering ones). That had been a fun day. Yes, especially when Tommy and Ranboo had spent about two hours trying to explain their friend's antics and that the bomb was totally plastic to the Crowfather of all heroes!

How had Tubbo gotten that boomb anyway? Ranboo doesn't remember having metal scraps and gunpowder in the attic.

Or that other time when Tommy had tried to mug a mugger in an alley, in the middle of the day. Yes, you read that right. The guy was a mugger, already mugging a poor lad in that alley with a pocket knife and Tommy had decided that he had to go all rabid racoon on the guy.

That had not been a fun experience, especially when Ranboo and Tubbo had to drag him away before a hero could notice the mauled man in the alley.

Yes, mauled .

It's safe to say that his best friends are more of a safety hazard to everyone around them (except Ranboo, of course, he knows their triggers and cues like the back of his hand) than thieves, which is why Ranboo is the only one out and about poking through pockets.

So, nope! No, sir! For the two most chaotic individuals in his life, he refuses to die today! Otherwise, he might just go crazy and annoy all angels and devils with his worrying in both Heaven and Hell.

A little weird though, isn't it? For a hero to be going after the thrill of the chase (and kill) rather than the safety of innocent people? Ranboo knows all that The Blade does; he is, as mentioned, a very dedicated fan , and he really doesn't want to get beaten into a pulp before being thrown in juvie jail for twenty years. He doesn't want to end up in jail at all, actually, there isn't much he misses from the city -free Healthcare, for example! He often hears on the news that it isn't free in other countries and that people commit petty crimes to get in jail for it.

Ranboo is very aware of The Blade's apprehension protocol and it is not at all reassuring. He would prefer to keep all his limbs attached to his body even in death, thank you.

Let's just say that Ranboo will need that free healthcare if the hero gets his way.

He dares a glance over his shoulder and his breath hitches at the empty yet angry glare he receives from the boar skull mask of the hero. His ears twitch at the loud growl he hears, and it seems like The Blade has picked up speed. Yup, he shouldn't have done that. He really shouldn't have done that, oh God-

Ranboo knows for a fact that the hero can run faster than that. Heck, he has seen videos of the man running on all fours and catching up to criminals in literal seconds! He should be just trying to play with his food right now, playing a game of tag for the fun of it. Much like a cat rather than a- well- a pig . That's The Blade's whole shtick, y'know?

Ranboo used to like tag; he really dislikes it right now.

All will be good in the end though, right? He is the main character of his story, he is not going to go down at the hands of his idol of all people!

Yeah, everything will be alright, he swears to the universe that he will not steal from the supermarket for a week -a whole week! It's a death sentence, really!- if he doesn't get caught today. You see, the supermarket is a big issue; groceries and transporting food items is a big issue in general, actually. Everything is overpriced and the stalls at the weekly market (where it's cheap and much more fresh) don't have fruits and veggies packed in bags! And he can't exactly grab ten apples, shove them in his pocket and run away like a clothed raspberry, can he? 

Oh, and would you look at that! There's his escape route!

Ranboo dips into the alley right as a sword thrusts into the spot he was in just a moment ago, wonders for a moment if it stabbed a pedestrian instead, and after there are only screams of terror and not pain (he can differentiate those pretty well), he proceeds to dive behind a dumpster and some misplaced trash bags. Why are there even trash cans and trash bags there? Isn't that like, illegal?

Well. it's not Ranboo's problem, now, is it? 

And man that hoodie must be a real lucky charm, because he finds a set of diamond earrings just sitting there, buried under a trash can he pushed over in his rush. Bless the dude who threw it in the red bin that day.

Pocketing them, he stands, checks his surroundings and when he only sees just a cat chasing a mouse in the corner, he uses his very origin to his advantage. If it wasn't apparent by the horns and the black side of his skin, Ranboo is an enderborn (or part enderborn, he still doesn't know why half his body is basically albino) and he can teleport!

As Tommy would say: how poggers is that?!

Purple particles -little whispers- surround him before he fizzles out of existence, surely leaving behind a very confused hero and a few frightened street cats. He was not about to teleport in the light of day and reveal his powers to The Blade and by default, to everyone around! He does not want to out his Vigilante persona, Endwalker, for a very, very long time. It is safer to risk running into a back alley fight or a stabbing -same thing- than it is teleporting on the sidewalk.

Wait, he didn't mention being a vigilante before, huh. Oh well, the cat is out of the bag now, won't be taking anything back.

Because, as much as he is proud of his work as the very infamous, teleporting, Slenderman person on the rooftops of buildings, catching bad guys and throwing cool catchphrases like Batman, being a vigilante is very much illegal . Jail time worth of illegal , actually. He doesn't know why it's illegal but laws are laws and he does not follow (nor know) most of them. He mainly (and unknowingly) commits tax fraud and that's maybe the most innocent thing he does in today's society.

So, yeah, he would really rather be free than be tracked down and stuck in a gray, mundane building with murderers and wrong doers (of which some had been handed in by him) and who knows what else! And he is pretty sure that he is the only person who can teleport in the city of Esempe.

The only unregistered person with teleporting powers, might I add.

Neat, isn't it?

It really isn't, because he can't teleport in public and make stealing a thousand times easier. There are already a few speculators making up theories of whether that purple smoke is a smoke bomb or just something that comes with his ability. Getting caught on camera and probing some scientist kid right isn't exactly on his to-do list.

So thievery remains time consuming and exhausting.

Perhaps, he could turn Endwalker into a part-time villain; then he could be time efficient and exhausted. Then he could rob a bank and be set for life, take Tommy and Tubbo and go live in the Bahamas or something.

Are the Bahamas even worth living in permanently? Maybe Miami would be better.

Speaking of stealing, Ranboo looks down at today's haul. Glittery necklaces and bracelets hang from his pockets, courtesy of that one Pandora establishment. The employee had chased him for a whole block before inevitably giving up. That had not been fun.

He has a couple of phones in the badly-sewn-on inside pockets of his hoodie, a couple of wallets to go along with them too, and he will forever be thankful for the idiocy of high schoolers for putting said phones in the back pockets of their trousers.

Huh.

How did he not drop a single thing on that chase? He must be getting better or something… or his hoodie is just too good, too good for even the universe to handle. Ha.

Yeah, his hoodie luck is too good, because usually he is a clumsy mess of long limbs and fumbling fingers -with too many documented accounts to count on ten fingers and ten toes. There has never been a time before (that he remembers anyway) when he hasn't dropped a thing. He has always dropped something, like a penny or a credit card (and the latter isn't as bad as it sounds, because he doesn't know how to use one so it may as well be a useless piece of plastic). Sometimes he even looks like a cartoon thief when the jewelry just doesn't want to cooperate and just flies out of his pockets while he's on the run.

Anyway, the point here is that he has to buy his food for a week now, because dammit , Ranboo keeps his promises! He has been keeping his promises ever since he heard The Blade speak about the subject of favors on some morning talk show he'd seen on the screens of the electronic shop downtown.

Ranboo really hates the hero now. Darn Blade and his godly righteousness! Or, well, it's not really hate, just the heat of the moment, y'know? He could never bring himself to hate The Blade -that would be a sin in and of itself.

Moving on.

As much as he hates to admit it, the phones he now has in his possession won't sell for a lot as second-hand and the money from the little jewelry he managed to snatch will go towards rent and heating and to whatever else the building administrator asks of them this month. Again, not even the jewelry will sell for much because the pawn shop owner dislikes Pandora with an incomprehensible passion. It's like the man has some personal grudge against the very founder of the brand and it's really nonpractical! He always complains when Ranboo brings in pieces with the Pandora brand on the back. It's crazy -unreal even- but sadly, it's the truth.

The guy refuses to buy Pandora pieces for more than five euros each .

And the only jewelry shops with low security are the Pandora ones. For some reason.

And Ranboo doesn't want to go looking for a new pawn shop now that he is on good terms with the old man.

Sigh.

Maybe they can go without electricity this month actually. Yeah, that would make not starving to death a lot easier and the money spending more manageable. Ranboo is okay with that. No light, no stove and no cooking. He isn't sure if Tubbo and Tommy will be as happy as him with only cereal and Starbucks snacks for breakfast, lunch and dinner but he can hardly say that he cares.

Actually, he does care but won't tell anyone that. He can't bear the disappointed faces of his friends when he is supposed to be bringing home the bread.

Having no working stove is fine by him; he is a horrid cook and too much of a kitchen scientist. Somehow, everything edible he makes turns out looking finger-lickin' good and simultaneously promising to make your stomach explode . Not fun. And he is somehow immune to the gunpowder that is his cooking, in contrast to Tubbo and Tommy who always fold in two and hold their stomachs in pain after only a spoonful of a simple soup. And he always receives these angry, betrayed glares, I mean, come on, it's not that bad.

He hasn't cooked in three years now (he is only allowed in the kitchen when the food he makes is a trusted recipe that will not lead to food poisoning -which they have no idea how to treat by the way ) but he knows that his brain can ( and will ) come up with something able to kill God Himself if he really tried. Because as one grows so does their special talent, right? And apparently Ranboo's special talent is making explosive food.

And how difficult could food poisoning God really be?

...Perhaps he should give cooking another go at some point. Maybe Tubbo would find a way to make Ranboo's food into real-life bombs. When the fridge has more than a carton of (spoiled) milk and an untouched cabbage in it, maybe he will make a cake.

Why do they even own a cabbage? None of them so much as near greens. Wait, let's rephrase that: none out of the two most normal of the household so much as near greens. Tubbo is weird enough to eat cabbages -he is the type of kid to dip a carrot in a jar of Nutella and then eat it… that honestly doesn't sound that bad.

Huh.

Chocolate carrots.

Perhaps Ranboo could prank Tommy with chocolate carrots.

He looks around at the four walls surrounding him -it's their little attic apartment thankfully, and not some stranger's house again; that would have been embarrassing. He lays out his goods on the very small and for some reason smelly coffee table-

Listen, they had dragged that thing in from outside, none of them know what those stains on the wood are nor how to get them out! The three of them have tried everything; from scrubbing the stains of the unknown substance out with a paper towel to spraying it with cheap cleaning spray. Nothing has worked, so they have left it like that.

It's not like they haven't gotten used to the smell, anyway.

He still paces the backs of trash cans for discarded, non-smelly coffee tables whenever he is out and about, though.

Sifting through the many phones, he finds an iPhone in a pink, ornate flip case. No way. No. Freaking. Way. Now this will sell well in the back alley! A couple hundred at least! Bless his hoodie for its luck is too much for a single universe to handle. He can buy food and pay all their bills with this!

He has to tell Tubbo and Tommy about this! Perhaps he can have a small party with them because of this treasure of a phone. Oh, Mondays have never been so heavenly! And they say that money "can't buy happiness" or something like that; rich snobs and their angsty-ness and their monologues. Blegh.

But now, the two are working. He has to wait a couple more hours for them to return. Again, they don't have as much luck in stealing as he does because they are too loud to sneak away from the scene of the crime unnoticed and usually they get more than one person on their tails. Many were the times they tried and failed, and Ranboo had to drag them into many alleys to teleport them back home before any heroes could get to them first.

So, their work doesn't pay much. Ranboo tries his best to pay for everything this way, and they bring back whatever they can, really.

And normally he would complain, because the other two spend too much time out in the beating sun and he is pretty sure one (or both) of them will die of a heat stroke at some point. But today, he tells himself that he won't be all over them like a mother hen because he is in a good mood. Surely, once he gets to tell them the good news, they'll be just as excited as him.

He sighs. Nothing else to do other than to go pawn off the little treasures and head down to Stress' for lunch.

*

Working is not poggers. That is the conclusion which Tommy has come to. He hates working; he hates the sun; he hates the little shadow there is left as said star is currently in the center of the sky, at a 90 degree angle, boiling their brains like they're eggs in a pot of scalding water. Even though it's not his turn to grab the washing broom and do the real work yet, he groans.

One, he is absolutely bored and two, he would really much prefer to be running from the cops than having to sit on the hot ass brick sidewalk for ten hours. Yes, he gets up to stretch his legs every now and again -when it’s his turn with the mop- but he still sits and the brick is hotter than fucking fire . Just, how is he supposed to sit there and not complain? How? He has all the right in the world to complain actually.

Why did they have to pick the sea side road to clean cars again? It had been Tubbo's idea if he remembers correctly. Something about the seaside street being way busier, cops-free and more traffic-heavy than the districts downtown.

But the brick isn't the only issue. Their water bottles they’d been taking little, tiny sips from are nearly drained dry and the bucket of soap water beside him is almost empty. He looks at Tubbo, who is currently taking advantage of the red light, cleaning the windshield of the stopped car at the front of the line and the many other helpless cars' that are left to the broom's mercy.

Though it isn’t exactly a broom, is it? It’s a windshield cleaner -or something like that. It’s a weird looking broom, and they clean said windows with it… it’s a crossbreed between a mop and a brook- there.

If Tommy cared more, he would snicker and cackle at the driver's misery, but alas, he could care less about the rich asses that can afford whole cars .

Rarely does anyone pay them for the free cleaning service, and when they do , it's normally coins or a couple pennies that they want to get rid of, nothing big. Tommy often gets angry at that but he is a natural at putting on fake smiles. Like, what are they supposed to do with a penny?! Tommy remembers a coworker of theirs who had moved to another street some time ago, who had told them that a couple years ago, the drivers had to pay them by the word of law . And it’s really unfair, isn’t it? Because- why can't it be the same now? It would save them all the trouble, and the two of them wouldn't have to buy as much dish soap as they do nor stay in the glaring sun for ten hours straight .

Tubbo runs back with a pep in his step this time, not the usual defeated walk both him and Tommy are used to doing. So, it's not that weird when Tommy raises his eyebrow at the other boy and stands up expectantly, fluffy, raccoon tail swishing behind him in nervous excitement.

Tubbo holds a whole five euro banknote in his hand. They grin. There is so much they can do with that!

They can lure some greedy wrong’un down an alley and perform a flawless mugging for starters! They could double or triple their profits just like that: by snatching their victim's wallet! Tommy's scruffy tail swishes back and forth at the thought and he rubs his hands together evilly like a lil' cartoon villain.

Yes, that is a very great and very sensible idea!

"You wanna lure old men down the drug alleys, Tubso?", he asks but he doesn't really have to. The other is buzzing with excitement already and in a second, he is being half-dragged-half-led to the opposite street with the big buildings and shit.

The crossbreed-broom and empty bucket are left on the pavement, in the middle of the street, long forgotten in favor of actual money. And flawless robbery. Time to play thief!

Tommy will just have to make sure not to bite someone’s jugular this time.

"Waaay ahead of you, big man!", Tubbo grins as he picks off a loose thread from his dirty, green shirt. He uses his stingers ( fingernails , Tommy would correct him, but he actually values his life -as much as Ranboo doubts it- to do so) to prick a hole in the paper and before long, they have cast their line and are waiting for their unfortunate victim to bite.

Sure, what they are about to do is morally wrong and very against the usual Vigilante code. They are supposed to protect civilians from the bad guys, not be the bad guts but hey, who's gonna stop them? Ranboo is far, far away to yank them home by the ears, most likely already back home and waiting for them at Stress’. They can do anything they want and he won't be able to do shit about it. Ha.

Right now, they are the civilians, the other vigilantes can worry about the people they'll lure into the alley today. In the middle of the day. Tommy cackles. Who cares though? There are no vigilantes during the daytime! They'll get away with it! Holy, there is a ninety-nine percent chance they’ll get away with mugging people!

There is a tug at the end of the line. Oh God , they are about to mug a person!

Is this what Ranboo does when he is out and about being a wrong'un? If so, that bastard has been keeping them from all the fun! But Tommy can't exactly be mad - he really wants to be mad - because they get caught instantly under normal circumstances.

Then there is another tug, and then another…

Tommy realizes that it is just people stepping and dragging the bill around. Fuck them for walking and giving him hope!

"I don't think people are interested in a five note", Tubbo grumbles and damn it, he can't stand that pout he pulls! Tommy huffs stubbornly and crosses his arms.

"Just you wait, some idiot is gonna fall for it eventually", if anything had stuck to him through watching Ranboo pick candy canes off shelves, it’s that patience is key . Always has been and always will be, apparently.

Tubbo opens his mouth but then the makeshift cord is almost yanked out of his hands. They both scream, they both almost fall over in an attempt to grasp the string. The attempt is futile.

"Uh, are the two of you okay?", it's some random man with a stupid orange and red balaclava, who has been successfully lured right into their trap! Yep! They obviously didn’t almost lose their bait!

Tommy can barely believe it, as he is awestruck when he sees the outline of a wallet in the dude's pants. And boy, does it look thick.

Tubbo is much quicker than him, translucent wings buzzing as he launches himself off the ground with surprising speed. Usually, the short brunet is not this fast. But hey, they are really desperate for that wallet.

A man's gotta do what he's got to do, right? If he has to accelerate his speed like that then so be it.

"Get him!", he shouts, and Tommy is scrambling to his feet, furry, little ears twitching up as he runs at the man.

"Got him!"

The man is underneath them after some more battle cries and a good minute of fighting and struggling. The two of them cackle, Tubbo having sat criss-crossed on the dude's back and Tommy looking through his clothes for more valuables. For as light as he looks,Tubbo is as heavy as a fucking boulder! Trust Tommy, you do not want to get tackled by Tubbo and then be used as a bed for eight hours.

"Alright, kids, you can let me go now!", the man says in a kind of awkward voice with an awkward kind of laugh. They glare at him. "Okay, shutting up it is"

That's more like it.

After dumping their victim in the dumpster (alive with just a few minor scratches that can definitely not be traced back to Tommy), all laughing and smiling like toddlers, they enter the normal streets again.

And, they would’ve gone back to their normal station on the sidewalk. Really, they would’ve … But, you see, there’s this sudden inconvenience, per say-

“...Crowfather”, Tommy almost swoons at the sight of his favorite hero. Even though the man had put a stop to his best friend’s fun that one day at the bank, Tommy absolutely would kill to breathe the same air as the blond man!

The Crowfather is just that poggers, alright?

Without thinking, the teen takes a step forward, and then another, arms raising and doing grabby hands like a toddler. Tubbo is suddenly blocking his path, this very mature aura radiating off him.

...Since when was Tubbo mature? That never happens. Well, whatever, Tommy will ignore this clear sign of danger.

“Tubbo, I want an autograph!”, he declares, furrowing his eyes at his friend.

“He almost arrested me!”, Tubbo responds and- yeah, there isn’t much Tommy can say to that, is there? Alright, switching over to plan B… Except, there is no plan B, fuck . Quick, Tommy, think!

Hmmmm….

Ah-ha!

“But Tubbooooo!”, if his demands can’t be met with words, they’ll be met with puppy eyes. He makes his eyes go wide and pleading, slumps his back just slightly to be on eye level with the shorter boy.

Now, normally, Tubbo always falls for his Tommy's puppy eyes (Tommy has an eighty percent succession rate, Ranboo beating him with ninety-five-point-six percent) , excluding some instances-

"We need to return home before that guy escapes the trash can, Tommy!"

-quite like this one, where he just can't be arsed falling for Tommy's spectacular puppy eyes.

Well. Moving on to plan C it is! Exploiting Tubbo's one and only weakness -which may sound cruel, maybe a lil' low -because they're besties and all- but in this situation, it is necessary .

"Aw, come on man! You say you would rather run away if it was Warden standing there rather than getting his signature slapped on your wrist?"

Warden is Tubbo's favorite hero, quite how Crowfather is Tommy's and The Blade is Ranboo's. Their favorite heroes are their greatest and only known weakness (other than each other, of course) and Tommy makes sure to use that information to his advantage when his friends don't relent.

What does "relent" even mean? Note that one for Miss Cleo .

Tubbo gawks at him, mouth opening wide and a hand pressing to himself as if offended.

"That's a low blow, Tommy", Tubbo growls, his glaring eyes and buzzing wings promising hurt and revenge . Presumably in the form of pollen sneezes. "Low blow", he repeats.

Crap , that means double revenge! And that really isn't a good thing!

Well, at least Tommy got to have his hero's autograph before his untimely demise. That's super worth it.

"Do I know you from somewhere, mate?", Crowfather asks as he pulls a sharpie out of an inside pocket of his 

Oh God, Tommy is about to faint. The Crowfather called him mate . Mate . He fucking greeted him, holy shit .

Tommy strangles his childish glee real fast, though. He is not about to embarrass himself in front of his childhood hero! Nooo, nah-ah, no thank you , sir .

Anyway, he can't let the man know why he thinks Tommy's face is familiar -especially with Tubbo being nearby (literally three steps behind Tommy because the brunet also wanted an autograph on his shoe. Yes, Tubbo is currently standing on one foot and actually balancing . Tubbo is just too OP, man).

"Maybe I was a victim from a villain attack?", he tries to suggest, a tad too late because the hero has spotted Tubbo.

And his face lights up in realization of all things. Well. There goes their little underground 'mission'.

"Oooh! I remember you two now", Crowfather exclaims with a hearty laugh. "I suppose I did save you from that villain attack"

Actually, Crowfather had only saved the innocent bystanders and Tubbo's many hostages inside the bank. Tommy and Ranboo had saved Tubbo the humiliation of being thrown behind bars at the young age of fourteen, and probably from being thrown into an orphanage after the cops figured out that he had no parents.

Though in theory, they can also take all the credit from the heroes (because they had dragged Tubbo out of the bank, who was still throwing weird passive-aggressive threats the banker's way), Tommy is too much of a Crowfather simp to care about that right.

"Here you go. Don't go scaring people again, alright?"

And with that, Tommy and Tubbo leave with a signed wrist and signed shoe.

*

When the two of them get back to the block of flats (having hidden their mop and bucket somewhere relatively safe), all excited and giddy about their encounter with Crowfather, they barely notice the moving boxes by the front doors of the mini lobby area.

They are so immersed in looking for little details in the sharpie signatures and figuring out schemes about how they could copy-paste the hero’s autograph on clothes and make bank out of it, that they walk straight into a mouthful of red and blue feathers.

That quickly brings them back to reality.

Tommy yelps and rubs his face, Tubbo doing much the same but with the little twist of actually falling back from the bump. And the person with said feathers jumps, the boxes in his hands flying out of his hands. Something shatters- oh, one of the boxes had glasses, huh?

Well. That's awkward.

Can't really say that it has glasses in it now.

"Ah, what!", the person exclaims, feathers ruffling and spreading with a woosh. It's Grian, the very nice avian man from 2B.

The guy is like their personal bodyguard inside the building and in the neighborhood. He somehow always knows when they are up to something major, like planning on grabbing crayons and painting dicks on the sides of buildings or when Tubbo is experimenting with little mechanical things he'd found in the trash can by the school.

Grian always bursts into their little, cozy attic right before things can go terribly wrong. Like that one time Ranboo had wanted to cook dinner. Tommy is pretty sure Grian had been asleep at the time of the occasion, judging by how messed up his blond hair was, yet he ran up two floors -four sets of stairs, fifteen steps each - and then burst through the door with a shout of "NO, DON'T DO IT!!!".

It had been an eventful night that one, ending with a scolding and a very much grounded Ranboo. Which is weird, because Grian isn’t Ranboo’s parent, he is just their neighbor.

None of them question his fatherly nature and especially not his fatherly intuition. The last time they doubted the kindness of the man, they had ended up at his house, discussing renting the attic with the owner of the block of flats. Not to say that it had been a bad thing -that’s the whole reason they have a roof over their heads now- but the avian had literally hunted them down , backed them into an alley, practically dragged them to his apartment and sat them in blankets with mugs of hot chocolate shoved in their hands for that convenient arrangement.

And, at this point, it's just the norm for Grian to know what they are up to. The trio’s theory is that the avian has a sixth sense or something.

"Oh, hey Tommy and Tubbo!" Grian greets as he bends to pick up the fallen, heavy-looking boxes. "You’re looking chipper today. Work went well, I'm guessing?"

"Oh, Hell yeah! We mugged a guy!"

"You did what -"

"Anyways!", Tubbo interrupts quickly, sensing the very long and very boring lecture parchment that the avian is about to unroll before them.

"No, no, Tubbo! We’re not switching the topic here! You mugged someone?", to their surprise, Grian is grinning from ear to ear, looking like he is about to burst into numerous fits of giggles. Another thing that has become quite apparent to them recently is that said avian is a massive prankster and mischief harbinger. 

"Uh… yeah, we did", Tubbo hesitantly admits because the fear of the unknown and the jittery nerves that expression brings is quite a rare thing. His wings buzz. Guess they still have sides of Grian to learn about.

Tommy holds up the stolen wallet right after Tubbo’s confession, presenting the little trophy of their effort with pride and a puffed chest. His fluffy tail wags like a dog presenting a newly obtained bone to their owner.

“You better hide that before Stress sees it”, Grian simply warns them, as if they hadn’t mugged a guy in an alley and thrown him in a trash can full of smelly trash -not that they will ever mention that part, because maybe Grian will ground them both if they do.

Tubbo peers at the boxes in the avian’s arms, examines the “FRAGILE” word on the side of some and the weird icons and arrows. His eyes light up, as he immediately realizes that there will be a new neighbor coming in to live in the building.Tommy also connects the dots rather fast and so, he picks up a box… only to realize it is like a hundred kilos and ultimately drops it. Grian cackles like a maniac.

“Jesus fucking Christ , what is in there?!”, he shouts, taking a step back from the box.

“Probably potatoes if it’s so heavy”

“Who is the new guy?”, Tubbo asks with a mortified face. Tommy shares a similar look because- who in the fuck packs potatoes in moving boxes?!

“My very good friend, Mumbo!”, Grian beams, signaling for the two of them to help with the lighter boxes. The duo lifts the smallest ones they can find in order to not have to carry the much heavier boxes of potatoes. “We managed to unload his stuff before any cars came by, and now he is circling the block to find a place to park his car”

In the end, Grian took the potatoes.

Tubbo and Tommy visibly wince at that. They might not own a car but they see the everyday struggle local drivers go through to find an available spot at the sidewalk, some even parking in the middle of streets or riding up the pavement. It’s a real mess; it causes traffic issues, makes drivers go mad with the horn. They can only imagine that this Mumbo guy is going through the same thing -especially because parking in this neighborhood is completely out of the question.

“Anyway, are you two heading up now?”, Grian asks, cocking his head much like a bird, as the three of them ascend to the second floor. The avian holds his box under one hand as he fishes the keys out of his jeans’ pocket.

The two of them should really not be surprised at the morbid display or raw strength. That’s the potato box, what- How can a man look normal and then hold a box weighing kilos like it’s a mere ant?

They don’t question it. This is Grian after all. The guy is full of surprises.

“I believe Ranboo is at Stress’ for lunch. You should go join them”, Grian continues, unlocking the door to his apartment with relative ease, “And tell him that the dust bath is ready and waiting for him, please”

The two of them nod quickly, carrying the boxes to the man’s living room. Grian calling Ranboo down for dust baths is pretty much a normal occurrence. Happens two times a week, with either Grian coming up to the attic to collect the teen or Ranboo going down on his own. This happens because being an enderborn and water just don’t mix. Water causes Ranboo’s skin to become irritated or cause something like burns if it stays on him for too long -kind of like how ice starts to burn if left on human skin for too long. Cleo had called it an inherited allergy if Tommy remembers correctly.

So, when the avian took notice of Ranboo’s origin, he had pulled the teen aside and taught him about dust baths.

Tommy and Tubbo are super jealous of Ranboo’s dust privilege. Every time he returns from one he looks so relaxed and so ready to flop on the bed and sleep in for days .

“We’ll tell him”, Tubbo confirms. Tommy on the other hand…

“Do you know what Stress made for lunch?”

Stress is basically their adoptive mother, a very nice lady in 3A with the best cooking the three of them have ever tasted in their lives. She takes care of their laundry (more like begs them to change out of their dirty clothes at least once a week), calls them down for lunch on Mondays when she doesn’t have work (and makes each one’s favorite meal), helps them with the homework Cleo assigns them- she should be called the ultimate mother figure if anything.

All should bow down to her.

Grian barks out a laugh -not a surprised one, he had probably guessed that the question was coming sooner or later. Blame it on father instincts.

“I think she made spaghetti for Ranboo, roasted vegetables for Tubbo and fish and chips for you, Toms”

“Poggers!”

They may be poor, they may be living in a stinky attic and constantly refusing their neighbors’ help (they have received ultimate kindness, they don’t want to take advantage of these people -as much as Grian’s other friend from 2A, Pearl, likes to say that they aren’t taking advantage of anything), they may be living off thievery and illegally washing cars on the street, they may cause more chaos than peace when they are playing hero at night but-

But life is good.

Chapter Text

"I can't believe you got your ass handed to you by some lanky ass guy!" Wilbur laughs, doubling over with his hands holding his stomach for the third time since Techno told him the news.

Technoblade really wants to stab him and give him something else to hold right now. Like his guts, for example. Yeah, that would be preferable -wouldn't suffice but it would be a good start.

"Again, I did not get my ass handed to me", he tries to remain as calm as he possibly can whilst he fiddles with the laptop in front of him, the tab of iCloud-Find my iPhone shining white and bright in his face. The thing is taking ridiculously long to track his phone down, as if this piece of numerals is having fun exploiting this new weakness of his. How dare technology play with him like this?! In a crisis, no less!

And you might ask "Technoblade, how did you lose your phone?". Well. He had done the good ol' noob mistake of putting the freaking flip-flop sized thing in his back pocket.

He had been doing a usual hour of fanservice in the middle of the street when it happened. When disaster struck. When his heart rate picked up speed. When he felt something tugging at the back pocket of his pants whilst he was busy signing something for a random kid from the crowd that had formed around him. When he turned around and met eyes with a tall guy who had his hand in his pocket- and if he hadn't known better, he would've called the dude a pervert.

And it would've been preferable if the guy was a pervert at this point. Would've surely saved Techno trouble and time.

But nooooo . It just had to be a thief. A highly stupid and successful one at that. All in all, the worst kind of thief to steal from you. Techno still can't believe the nerve of that guy; to come in during The Blade's monthly fanservice hour -which, in all honesty, is the smartest he's seen a thief be- and manage to swipe not only his phone , but his wallet as well.

The wallet that Phil had given him on his eighteenth birthday as a "Welcome to adulthood!" present.

A vein pops in his forehead as he remembers that small detail. How dare the wallet get stolen?! And on top of that, how dare he let two of his most prized possessions get stolen from himself?!

No matter, if the program in front of him hurries a bit, he will have the location of the thief before the guy has the chance to empty his pockets and throw it out. Techno can run fast enough, he has the ability to run faster than the average long-legs and he will make the thief's life Hell once he's got an address.

Techno had heard the many other stolen jewelry and whatever else valuable the dude had shoved in his pockets; they were jiggling and clicking like crazy while they were running. It would take some time to empty those out, and if he guessed right, he had more phones than just The Blade's on him. And , if that were the case, then it would take at least ten minutes for the thief to take out the batteries and SIM cards.

Technoblade hopes that his calculations are precisely correct.

That flip-flop of a phone holds one too many secrets of his: his name (civilian identity), his address, his phone number, his family, pictures of his family, all these wonderful memories stored in it that he would really rather not be revealed to the public- and all that because he had taken the wrong phone before he left the house. He has lost all the passwords to his social media accounts now as well, because he had been an idiot and only saved them in a page of that notebook app he had found on the device, instead of saving them on Chrome like a normal person. Y'know. So they could show up in his password settings and not have to worry about forgetting them.

He sighs. Next time, he will follow the advice of his old man and write his usernames and passwords on a slip of paper and tuck it under his hat- Wait. He doesn't wear hats. Nevermind, he'll put it in his boar mask or something, or use it as a bookmark for his many, many, many mythology books.

Surely it won't get lost with the second method.

Wait. That means- Phew, given the thief will probably not bother looking in the notebooks app (if he manages to crack the password of the lock screen, no one would ever think that the great Blade would put "Baked_Potatoes" -in numerals- as his phone password. Ha, suck it, nerd), his accounts won't be hacked and the media will never know this ever happened.

You see, most heroes have work phones, which, to be fair, are pretty crappy (as old as they can get really) and some even have those old Nokia ones. Y'know. The unbreakable bricks that are called phones . Those things aren't phones; they are murder weapons in disguise. Literal murder weapons in disguise, because they all have these little tracker devices and little remote explosives tucked away under the plastic cover that detonate in instances like this one; when they get stolen or lost or compromised in one way or another. Oh, how much would he love to press that red button and watch a building explode on Live TV, but alas, he had been a dumbass, and took his actual phone to work.

Wait a minute. It wasn't just his phone that got stolen, was it? Right, the thief took his wallet too. The little leather object that held his money, ID card, Jumbo coupons and credit card. He will have to call the bank after this, won't he? But most importantly, that wallet holds sentiment like no other, because it's a gift from his dad. If the thief tries to blackmail him with the wallet, he swears he'll-

"Then how did he get your phone, your wallet and manage to get away from The Blade? Come on, let me see the bruises!", Wilbur continues with his teasing, and soon , Techno frets, the brunet will have a hot meal out of his own organs. If he continues. And he will continue, because it's Wilbur , and his brother has an addiction to making Techno want to (affectionately) strangle him.

And how, you'd ask, does someone strangle somebody else affectionately? No one knows, actually. And no one has found out… yet. Which is probably a good thing. Yeah, Techno thinks, probably should stay that way as well.

"I was enjoying the hunt, okay? Not my fault this city has so many alleyways", Techno grumbles, his fingers drumming against the keyboard. How long does it take for a satellite to detect a phone?

"And you just- you just lost him like that? In an alley ?", Wilbur asks, a word away from bursting into giggles again.

"He dipped behind some trash cans and then disappeared- somehow ", the pinkett answered mindlessly. 

Really, the only thing he remembers vividly of that encounter, other than the hand in his pocket, is the way the dude had disappeared. The only thing left behind was his scent. It was a god awful smell too, that of a poor person who hasn't washed in ages. And if Techno wasn't as vengeful, he would've left the matter at that, because the thief would probably make better use of his riches than he ever will.

But oh well.

The program finally gives him an address, and he grins brighter than the screen. Who knew a hero could hold such a grudge. "Oh, I've got you now", he whispers to himself, ripping a page from a nearby notebook to write down the address.

And to his surprise, Wilbur doesn't laugh at him, instead reading the information displayed on the screen. Techno would've commented on the lack of noise had he not been at a loss for words himself.

"That's Grian's apartment building", Wilbur points out.

"It is", Techno helpfully adds in. "Dude probably went in the concierge room past the reception or to the boiler to hide"

Wilbur shakes his head with a thoughtful expression. "No, Fundy would've seen him enter and detained him"

"Your child would've seen him and struck a deal to split the money, Wilbur"

"That-", Wilbur tries to defend his child's honor but he out of everyone knows that- "That is very true"

Fundy isn't Wilbur's son per se; the man is more of a very close family friend. A young adult with fox blood in his veins, who just so happens to be the concierge of their friend's apartment building. From what Wil has told Techno, the two met at Grian's apartment the day their avian friend was moving in. Wilbur was helping move some boxes upstairs and Fundy came up to them and complained about how he had just sweeped the floor clean.

Most people would forget about this; move their boxes, ignore the little inconvenience that was Fundy and continue their day.

Well.

Wilbur is not most people and his brother prides himself in that little fun fact. He never ever forgets, and that is a little character trait that Techno hates for many reasons.

Again, as Wilbur told Techno, he patted Fundy's head, told him to screw off, helped Grian with the boxes and then somehow (after a good few rounds of uno and cheating together in Monopoly) by the end of the day the two were "Like father and son", as Phil likes to put it. Who said that Uno and Monopoly only ruin friendships? If you cheat together, it creates friendships.

Techno still doesn't get how that happened -how poor Fundy ended up joining them in playing board games, especially after Wilbur told him to screw off-, though he still firmly believes that his brother's silver tongue had some involvement. Wilbur can be a pretty… let’s say ‘persuasive’ guy.

Techno has met Fundy once or twice; once when he was in the neighborhood and took the chance to say hello; the second when he went to visit Grian and completely ignored the “wet floor” sign at the reception. The elevator was broken again so he took the stairs to the second floor instead, which landed him in the hospital with some broken ribs and a broken leg. Apparently, Fundy had decided to polish the stairs that day. And the stairs of that apartment building are wooden .

Fundy had even tried to warn him as well, shouting that he had to wait for a few before going up. It was just fate. Fate and his stupidity. 

It was not a good day.

“So, what do we do?”, Wilbur asks.

“We go and ask if any of the tenants have seen a suspicious, two-toned individual roamin' the streets”, Techno says and nods to himself as he shuts down the laptop. "And if said individual passed through, I can track him down instead"

"You're a bloody bloodhound, Techno"

"Yup"

*

"All done with the dust bath, Ranboo?", Grian asks as the teen exits the apartment's bathroom.

Ranboo is still shaking his head, threading his fingers through black and white strands, making futile attempts at getting the dust out of his hair. It's a grainy experience to say the least and an annoying method to bathe as a whole human being, but it is the only way he has to not smell like old boxes and mold twenty-four-seven. 

Even though he complains about it, he is so grateful that Grian actually shares his dust baths with him since basically day one, otherwise he would have had to undergo Tubbo's experiments -which, no , they are not fun (for the victim). He had found this "magma cream" mixture that's apparently for burns in a trash can a few alleys away and wanted to put it on Ranboo's skin to see if it would irritate it or not.

Quite frankly, Ranboo does not want Tubbo getting his hands anywhere near his allergies.

"Yes, thank you again, sir", he is more relaxed than he was before too, shoulders feeling not as tense as they were when he entered the avian's home. He remembers Grian telling him that the dust is therapeutic in a way, brainwashing as Tommy would say.

"Stop with the formalities, you make me feel older than I actually am", Grian laughs as he goes over to help the boy get the dust out.

"But you are old, sir" , Ranboo says instead, and he stresses the word. The annoyed expression on the man's face is so worth it.

"You little -", Grian retracts his hands, acting offended, "Alright, that's it, I am telling Stress to put you three on a broccoli diet"

Ranboo laughs, because of course, that's a joke. Not even Tubbo eats broccoli, and he is a vegetarian; they'd be starving all three of them every Monday if that were to happen. And Monday is one of two days they have actual food. Plus, Stress loves them too much to ever think of committing such a sacrilegious act against them. That would be the only fault the woman has and it is the only one they will stand and continue to take advantage of.

But… Another of her faults is that she has the ability to ground them, which they all hate and try to stay clear of. She isn't even their mother and she holds so much power over their heads that it can get… scary . Ranboo doesn't think that Grian is going to take advantage of the latter fact at first because again it was supposed to be a joke … but then the man moves to the door.

The avian's colorful wings shift and tremble like he is trying to hold back giggles. Oh. This isn't as much of a joke as Ranboo previously thought.

"No! No- hey, Grian, we can talk about this!"

"Nah-ah, Ranboo-", right as he opens the door, they both halt their movements. There are voices downstairs, they can both hear very clearly Fundy's distressed tone as he shouts: "There is no two-toned individual here! Leeeeeave!", in that very sus, very high-pitched voice of his. Whoever he's trying to fool, it's definitely not working.

"Two-toned individual?", Grian mutters to himself before turning to face Ranboo with a disapproving gaze. The teen in turn gives him a sheepish smile. He moves to the stairs to see who's looking for the boy, nudging Ranboo to follow with a wing.

"I told you I stole a lot of things today", Ranboo says in a whisper as he looks over the railing to take a peek at the intruder. As if that is somehow a good defense.

"You didn't tell me you were followed -", Grian goes to chide him, but once again, they are interrupted by Fundy's loud shouting.

Is he trying to warn them? He is shouting so much, Ranboo fears he is going to get yelled at by Gem from 1A or that Impulse will write another noise complaint. He is, isn't he? Trying to warn them that there is someone looking for a ying-yang themed thief? Yeah, that must be it; kind of explains why he's shouting so much. Certainly makes much more sense than purposefully getting basically sued by one of the most powerful men in the city.

"Thank you for your cooperation, miss"

Ranboo's heart drops to his stomach, and his stomach in turn does a front flip and then a backflip, does all sorts of skateboard tricks until it turns into a washing machine- he thinks he is going to throw up on top of the broken elevator that sits idly at the reception in the middle of the stairwell.

He would recognize that stoic and monotonous voice anywhere . Be it on a remote island, in the city center, in a packed club- anywhere . That's The Blade down there! And he is looking for him! And that was Gem's door shutting! Oh, God, how is he going to explain this-

"We are very sorry for disturbing you at this hour, have a good day, miss!"

"You too, Ghostbur and Blade!"

And he's got company too!

Fuck .

"Ranboo, why are two of the top-ten heroes looking for you?" Grian asks and Ranboo understands the clear 'You will regret it if you lie to me' look he gives him. There is no fear of anyone actually handing him over to the heroes -everyone knows that the three of them mostly steal for a living (except for Stress, who would take away their freedom rights, AKA ground them until one of them married or died). But, you see, they don't know who they steal from most of the time.

"You seeee ", he tries to stall for time, like something magical will happen and he'll be suddenly out of the situation. It’s happened before when a cop had managed to catch up to him and then some outsider tackled the cop to the ground, for some reason. But obviously, as proven now, it was a mere fluke. Who is going to tackle Grian? Ranboo himself? That would not help his relationship with the man.

He sighs, nothing has happened other than Fundy's obnoxious protesting and Ghostbur's constant mocking of the fox.

Guess nothing is going to save him.

"I, um, might have accidentally , stress that, uh, stolen The Blade's stuff"

Grian blinks once.

"As in his phone"

Then twice.

"And I think I got his wallet tooooo, uh, you okay there?"

Then three times as his eyes widen and Grian fully understands what Ranboo did this morning. Before he can speak, however, and scold him for his many unprovoked crimes and illegal activities, they hear a loud knock and then a door opening. The heroes have rounded the corner now, and from where they stand the two can see them perfectly whilst remaining concealed by the elevator shaft.

"Hello, good sirs, how can I help you on this very fine day?"

Oh shoot, that's Impulse. Crap, crap, crap, crap! They're about to lose free sweets privileges, aren't they? Oh, God, Tommy and Tubbo will hate him for weeks for this mess! They’ll take away his bed privileges too!

You see, Impulse is quite the deal around this part of town. He is the founder and current CEO of the iDimpy Candy Factory at the outskirts of town; he is amongst the richest of the rich and holds power like no other. The man could go up against the mayor if he wanted to and actually win . Normally, he is either off at work (in which time frame Tommy and Tubbo go and illegally use the man's shower -it has a jacuzzi, okay??) or at home or out with friends and business meetings and whatever else an adult businessman does nowadays. And he had given the three a Free-iDimpy card to get as much candy as they wanted for free from supermarkets.

He showed them how to use it as well! You get what you want and then swipe the card on the card reader and boom: free candy. One thing that they dislike, though, is that they have a limit of four sweet packages per month or one per week, so they have to use all this Math and Economics and all those number subjects Cleo has been teaching them. A “real world experience” Impulse had told them back then.

“There goes our chocolate”, Ranboo sulks quietly and Grian simply nods beside him in confirmation.

“Let’s hope Stress doesn’t learn of this”, the avian says in turn as he leans on the railing. He might be in the trio’s corner, always defending them and throwing off any policemen that come snooping, but no one -and I mean no one - can save them from an angered Stress. Not even Grian, who can apparently lift heavy as fuck boxes of potatoes.

They can both hear the hesitation in Impulse’s voice when he tells the heroes that he hasn’t seen a Ranboo look-alike in the neighborhood. And that hesitation is not out of fear of two heroes coming over and checking if he has weed brownies stored in the cabinet. No, no, no. It is because he probably wasn’t expecting heroes to be looking for Ranboo in the middle of the day, just like Grian, and he is probably trying to think up a way to take back the Free-iDimpy card from the trio whilst talking to the heroes. Man, multitasking must be hard.

Ranboo cowers when he sees Impulse walk slightly out of his apartment and throw a quick, very meaningful glance at the stairs. It was supposed to be a warning, both avian and enderborn know that but to the heroes? It must've come off as a signal to check upstairs, especially due to Impulse’s hesitation and contemplation.

Grian facepalms and Ranboo wonders if he’d be able to outrun The Blade a second time.

“Go hide upstairs with Tommy and Tubbo, I’ll try to get them off your trail, ‘kay?” Grian tells him in an exhausted voice, nudging him with a wing towards the next flight of stairs. Ranboo nods eagerly, immediately leaving his fate in Grian's hands as he goes up to Stress’. He trusts the man like that.

When he knocks on the door of the apartment, Tubbo is the one who answers, grabs him by the arm and haphazardly pulls him inside. He almost falls to the floor because of the force but luckily, his legs move faster than gravity. He still wonders how such a short teenager like Tubbo can muster such strength. Just the thought of the bee being able to manhandle him with such ease makes his forehead sweat.

He is greeted by a… peculiar scene in the two-bedroom apartment: Stress is chasing a very feral racoon around the kitchen. This isn’t as unusual as it sounds, because Tommy likes to irritate (and very much annoy) Stress by putting his muddy paws on the kitchen counter and jumping on the white couch as a raccoon. And normally, this is a laughing matter, one which usually ends with Tubbo and Ranboo holding their stomachs or rolling and dying of laughter on the floor.

What makes it weird this time, though, is the fact that Tommy has a knife in his mouth. A very long, very sharp and very heavy bread knife.

How is he carrying that thing and not falling over? And how did Ranboo not hear the ruckus from outside? The doors aren’t that soundproof!

Anyway.

“They’ve been doing this since you went to Grian’s”, Tubbo informs him, looking rather fearful of their friend's antics. Ranboo can't really blame him; raccoons are dangerous in and of themselves but a raccoon with a knife? That's a whole other level of dangerous.

“Tommy, put down the knife! Please, you’ll hurt yourself!” Stress yells, yelping when Tommy jumps from the top of the cupboards down to the bar to start another round ‘round the kitchen counters. Ranboo wonders why Stress hasn't played the ‘Mum Card’ on Tommy yet but he guesses that she most likely forgot. Tommy can have that effect on people with how sudden and brash everything he does is.

The racoon chitters, the universal sound for racoon laughter on Urban Dictionary thanks to Tommy, and adjusts the grip he has on the knife. Tubbo suddenly cheers when Tommy jumps on the clean cushions of the couch with dirty paws and stands on his two small lil hind legs with the knife held in his paw like a sword. Oh . A sword fight, that’s what they’re doing. A very dangerous one with no protection and no referee but one of them is an adult sooooo, it should be fine.

“Tommy, I will give you one chance to put the knife down and get off the couch", Stress warns, voice stern whilst she opens a drawer to draw her favorite pink kitchen knife from inside.

Said knife is a butcher's knife with a pink handle. Yeah, everything should be completely fine. Stress is a responsible adult and an amazing cook/chef, able to handle the whole kitchen knife set blindfolded. She would have to really try to accidentally harm any of them.

That fact does not make it feel any safer.

"Well", Ranboo says, rightfully backing towards the door because maybe the attic is better of a hiding spot in comparison to the mess here, "I um, I have uhhh, places to be, I'll be on my wa-"

"Don't be such a crybaby, Ranboo, it's just a knife fight!" Tubbo says cheerfully like he wasn't scared ten seconds ago, and any chances Ranboo had of escaping through the door or the balcony have comically gone out the window as the shorter boy drags him away from both.

" Tommy… "

Tommy chitters back in response, a cacophony of raccoon cackles that sounds suspiciously like "bring it on, bitch!". Ranboo can see multiple veins pop in Stress' forehead. Uh oh. Tommy should not have done that- oh, yeah, he really should not have done that. Oh well, too late to take anything back now. As long as Tubbo and himself don't get grounded for this, Ranboo thinks.

Tubbo cheers from where he stands, pumping his fists in the air.

"Let the fight commence!"

And if Cleo had assigned them to write a paragraph about what the gladiator fights were like, the picture in front of him would've gotten him a 20/20.

*

"Hello there, fellow citizen!" Ghostbur greets Grian when they meet on the stairwell. The Blade grunts a tired "hello" like it's cost him the world to spend time on formalities.

Fundy was not accompanying them anymore. He left the moment he noticed Grian on the stairwell, or sniffed his presence on the stairwell -fox genes and their OP power ups- saying something about needing to sweep the floors again because the heroes had dragged mud inside. Grian knows it's bullcrap since he hears Impulse's door open and said man chiding him about his obnoxiousness.

Oh well.

"Yeah, yeah, drop the hero-ie act Wilbur", Grian says, laughing half-heartedly at the pouty face he receives. He spares a look at Technoblade, who has a shadow cast over his mask and looks about ready to rip someone's throat out -he guesses that the man has taken Ranboo’s act of thievery to heart.

For a moment, the avian ponders how Gem and Impulse didn't bend under that creepy, weird stare of The Blade's. Then again, Wilbur -the more friendly-looking guy- was there too. Sometimes he gives his friends less credit than they deserve, because he finds himself almost quivering from the continued stare of Techno’s mask’s soulless gaze, whilst the other two didn't even bat an eye. Sheesh.

"What are you two doing on this side of the city? I thought you said HQ had assigned the both of you to the pier this week?", it's a question to stall, sure, but it is true; Grian remembers vividly how Wilbur had whined and whined for hours on end over the phone about it. Something to do with the cold and how the salt would ruin his clothes and make the color fade and whatever other nonsense and inhibition the hero could come up with on the spot while they were talking.

"We were!", Wilbur responds in a high tone of voice, like Grian had just reminded him that he wasn’t supposed to be here, "But, you see, we had a little change of plans”, and he rubs the back of his neck as he says that with the tiniest of awkward giggles.

Grian, thanks to Ranboo, knows exactly why the two heroes are here; more specifically why Ghostbur has accompanied The Blade here. It is to keep the casualties to a minimum. He is pretty sure that if Wilbur had not come with Techno, well… Gem and Impulse would have possibly been goners. As in; not dead per se but at the same time dead , y’know? In a half-alive, half-dead state. 

However, despite this knowledge, he has to play dumb for the sake of the child that is currently in-hiding. As ‘in-hiding’ as one can be around two hyperactive teenagers whose only goal in life is to cause chaos on a daily basis.

“Let me guess, you loaded your old man with your work again, didn’t you?”

Techno shrugs. Wilbur looks slightly to the side. Grian narrows his eyes at them and after two seconds, he can see them both physically begin to sweat under his scrutiny. They’ve done exactly that, haven’t they? This is... what? The fifth or sixth time that he’s caught them dumping their share of hero duties on Phil to do silly side quests such as this one? At least, that's as many times as he has caught them doing it. Poor Phil; he has two sons that are both a curse and a blessing.

And normally, Grian doesn’t really mind them doing that because he doesn’t like to delve deep into his friends’ family’s relationships. But right now? Right now said friends are looking for Ranboo and he has to distract them somehow and-

“I mean, he didn’t mind … much” -peer pressure always works on Techno; even the slightest narrowing of one’s eyes and he’ll spill his life story. Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration on Grian’s part but it’s pretty close to the truth.

“Techno!”, Wilbur shouts.

“You two need to learn how to deal with your own problems without calling dear Crowfather for help all the time”, the avian sighs, feigning disappointment for the fun of the bit.

“No, no, you see, Grian, this matter is too serious not to call for Dadza”, Wilbur responds. Shoot. Seems like they haven’t forgotten about the stolen items. Uhhhh, what’s plan B? Call Pearl? Wait, no, she's at work! Hmmm…

"Woah!"

Ah! The perfect distraction has arrived! Finally! 

Grian can hear Mumbo's thudding footsteps from the lobby -OP avian abilities, sigh- and almost immediately after he hears him trip and fall and something explode . Okay, maybe it's not the best distraction now that he thinks about it; setting off explosives usually alerts heroes and there are two of the top ranked ones standing right in front of him. And, sadly or not, they are not deaf.

Don't get him wrong, it did the job quite well, because both Techno and Wilbur rushed downstairs with alert shouts of "What was that?!" and "Was that an explosion?!" -but, yeah, Mumbo is in for a trip. What's worse, Techno plucked the glimmering, netherite blade from its sheath at his side, looking about ready to murder.

"Hey, calm down- Techno don't do it!", Grian rushes after them, flapping colorful wings in an attempt to keep his balance on the short steps.

He is notably slower than the other two, and that fact is punctuated when he arrives at the scene of the crime, and sees poor Mumbo pinned down by both heroes. Techno is sitting on the poor man's back, holding him in a painful-looking headlock with not his arms but his sword and Wilbur is sitting cross-legged on black-dressed calves.

There is a black spot on the old tiles next to the fallen man and some harsh pieces of the suspected explosive, smoke coming off them in small, lingering waves. Not too far away is a sack of innocent potatoes that's fallen, some of the sizable spuds spilled out on the floor which Wilbur does not think twice before taking one and looking it over for who knows what reasons. It's not like you can hide anything inside a potato, let alone a bomb.

"Oh, my goodness, Mumbo!", Grian says in a worried but at the same time amused tone. Mumbo looks up at him like he is the only hero amongst the four of them, eyes open wide in panic.

"Grian!", he chokes out as he tries his best to avoid the blade at his throat. "Grian, help me!"

"Shut up, you can tell that to the judge, punk", Techno cuts him off. Grian raises an eyebrow.

"He'll tell the judge to help him?"

…

“Whose side are you on?!”

"Yes"

Okay. That's an… acceptable response? Grian doesn't know what to make of this. Wilbur is giggling, probably from the absurdity of their dialog, whilst he looks the potatoes over one by one. Again, how does someone hide an explosive in a small potato? It doesn't make sense! God, this is going to take a whole day, so the avian goes to try and pry Techno off.

Surprisingly, Techno actually let's him pull him off poor Mumbo, who does not waste a second in pulling his legs out from underneath Wilbur, making the latter fall flat on his face, to stand up. No one pays any mind to Ghostbur's pained groan. Grian thinks that serves him right for cooperating with his brother to restrain a man who was simply carrying his spuds. Look at Mumbo's mustache! It's sticking up like a scared cat's hair from the shock!

"You smell like soil, are you a farmer?", Techno asks Mumbo in the most serious yet murderous tone Grian has ever witnessed. He doesn't know if that question is promising good or bad things. Knowing Techno, it's probably some otherworldly mix of the two but still leaning towards bad.

Mumbo fumbles with his fingers, tugs at the edges of his absolutely trampled business suit- and who can blame him, really? He just got caught doing- well, carrying potatoes if anyone had to guess and probably making an attempt at suicide bombing or something! Which Grian disagrees with because Mumbo is a sane man but no one other than him and this whole building know that.

"Uh, not really, but I sometimes help a friend at his farm? Yeah, that's what I do"

And if awkwardness and suspicion were a person, it would have taken the form of Mumbo K. Jumbo at that moment. Because- who would believe him after that last sentence? It is so unbelievably obvious that it is a lie, even to a stranger it would be plain as day that Mumbo has just lied in the faces of two of this city's top heroes. The two heroes, though? They seem to need a couple lessons in lie detecting, or at least Techno does if Grian has to tell from the way his eyes light up.

At least his mood has been lifted. Ranboo might escape with his limbs attached if nothing major happens. 

"Blade, it isn't the time for your potato obsession right now!", Wilbur reminds waving an accusatory finger at Mumbo -when did he stand up anyway?-, "Something literally exploded right here, where I'm standing, and that man you're trying to befriend is the main suspect!"

Techno looks at his brother for a second, and even with the boar skull covering his face, Grian can clearly see a raised eyebrow. A questioning eyebrow. He can imagine it. Or see it. Whichever verb one likes to use.

"Oh, so we're not playing good cop, bad cop?"

"...That would've been a good idea"

Grian lets out the heartiest of laughs at that and Mumbo follows suit. Even the walls seem to be laughing and mocking them; mocking the way they just- two top heroes just revealed their plan with seemingly no hesitation.

The two heroes look around awkwardly, just avoiding general eye contact.

Grian wonders how the commotion has not attracted any outside eyes yet. I mean, they just tackled a person at the lobby, in front of open doors. Two heroes tackled a person at the lobby in front of open doors. Shouldn't pedestrians and cameramen be flocking around the entrance?

"It was just a firecracker, guys", Mumbo says after their laughter dies down. Because firecrackers are legal, yeah, that'll save him. It only takes a few blinks of three sets of eyes for him to retract that statement.

The moment Grian sees Wilbur open his mouth, probably to ask how a firecracker goes boom that loudly, he interrupts with a quick ruffle of his colorful feathers. It's a little trick Phil taught him to catch Wilbur and Techno's attention when the duo is up to something stupid. Or, as in this scenario, something that gets Grian's friends into trouble. Apparently, it's a family thing, and the two brothers are so used to Phil's avian behavior that it's basically one of their instincts now to stop and listen to what their dad has to say. And it works. It works weirdly well.

"So, uh, Mumbo", he addresses the man. "Did you leave Kubo at your parents’?"

"You have a dog?", of course Techno's brain sticks to that tidbit of information. The guy is a big ol' softy for anything adorable. Mumbo seems taken aback by this; not many people know that the great Blade could give up his own family for a crate of puppies.

Most importantly, how did Techno know that they were talking about a dog? Grian only said a name! Oh wait, he probably picked up on the scent. That explains it.

The Blade is known for his great nose; something about his piglin genes and pigs having an excellent sense of smell.

"Oh, um, yeah! I have a dog named Kubo, whom I sadly couldn't bring with because the landlord doesn't allow pets"

And no, shapeshifting raccoons do not count as pets. Well. If the landlord doesn't know, they don't.

"So I left him with my parents", and with that, Mumbo takes out his phone to presumably show the hero a picture of his dog.

That really grabs Techno's attention and the hero moves closer to the mustache man. Grian shrugs. If they want to bond over dogs (and potatoes) and not go after Ranboo, that's fine by him. The less blood that is spilled indoors, the better. Fundy complained a lot the last time it happened- I mean, what?

"Alright, you two can bond over your dogs, Ghostbur and I will carry your potatoes upstairs", and it's like the two dog lovers are deaf to the world. It's… probably fine. The more they get distracted, the better.

Wilbur nods with some hesitation, giving Grian a glance that says "why do I have to carry his things?", to which Grian replies with a swift: "You're a hero, Ghostbur"

And, of course, Wilbur just has to retaliate somehow.

"I thought you told me to drop that 'hero-ie act', changed your mind now?", to which Grian simply rolls his eyes and motions for him to pick up the stray potatoes.

In a matter of seconds, the spuds are neatly stacked inside their sack once again, looking like the spillage of them had been a bad dream. Wilbur is the first who tries to lift said sack, only to find that his bones are too frail for it. Typical. Grian rolls his eyes again, calls Wilbur a drama queen, and proceeds to lift the sack of potatoes like it's nothing (again).

"How- How are you doing that?!", Wilbur wonders. Grian doesn't really know how to answer him (honestly).

"You just lift with your legs, it's simple", he settles with, except-

"You realize you're holding that under your arm, right?", Wilbur is a lot more perceptive."How are you even balancing it?"  He ignores that and continues to the stairs. The hero is behind him as he goes up the steps, having said something about not wanting something similar to Techno's little hospital escapade to occur to Grian.

"Since when do you have a roommate?", Wilbur asks once they've turned to the next platform. "You didn't tell us anything about that"

The avian shrugs his wings as he shuffles through his pockets for his keys- wait, they left the door open. Phew. Key hassle avoided.

"It's a very recent development, he’s just now moving in. He has a few things to take care of here so he'll be staying for an undetermined amount of time", he tells him. He opens the door wider with his hip and proceeds to take the potatoes to the cabinets. “I think Techno and Mumbo will get along”

Wilbur, in the meantime, makes himself comfortable on the blanketed couch (which looks like a cat just came in and scratched at the blanket until it could roll in it), and he is tall enough to reach up to Grian’s elbow. Grian thinks nothing of it; he’s used to it.

“Does your friend know of us? As in, our civilian identities and such?”

The avian shakes his head no as he pushes the heavy (not) bag of potatoes in one of the lower cabinets.

“No, I haven’t told him”, he says, “He just knows that we’re acquaintances, your hero personas and I” -which is a complete lie (most of it is anyway) but Wilbur doesn’t need to know that. The brunet huffs a sigh of relief, muttering a “that’s good, that’s good..”

“Would you like a cup of tea- woah!”

Something thumps hard above their heads, on the ceiling, on the upper floor. Grian’s eyes widen, instantly realizing that something has gone wrong upstairs where the kids are. He’s faster than Wil at getting to the door, not even bothering to shut it behind him -at least that makes it easier for Wil to follow him- and he only hopes that Ranboo is not at Stress’ and that everyone is alright and not hanging off the third floor balcony.

“Grian, what was that!”, that’s Mumbo joined by Techno’s worried and gruff huff. Grian can hear them running up the stairs, pursuing them the best they can, but the avian’s eyes are trained on the wooden door that soon appears before him.

He is quick to knock, and he puts up an ear in the moments that it takes for the door to open. He almost falls flat on the floor because of how much weight he put on the door, but we won’t talk about that. In front of him stands a very ecstatic Tubbo and behind him, on the couch with raccoon paw prints, he witnesses a sight he has seen one too many times. Stress has Tommy pinned down on the cushions, looking a moment away from cutting him up with that cleaver she’s holding above her head- wait. Cleaver? Grian doesn’t get a moment to ponder on it. Over the loud, obnoxious screaming of a raccoon (how did none of them hear that?) and frantic eyes that turn to look at him, he sees Ranboo; good, poor Ranboo who probably got handcuffed to stay and watch whatever is unfolding in the apartment.

Quickly, he closes the door. On one hand, he is relieved that none of them are hurt but on the other… Well, he can’t help but be concerned about what he just saw. Anyways. He turns around, holding in his sigh of relief for a moment to come up with some elaborate lie because Ranboo is in there and the heroes who are looking for him are out here .

And, they are heroes , they will be concerned about whatever spooked the avian that much!

This really has not gone according to plan. Damn Grian and his good nature!

"What's going on?!", Wilbur shouts, followed suit by Mumbo, who Grian has yet to inform about the freeloaders in the attic. That's a mistake but it really isn't the time to address it right now. "Why did you close the door?"

"No reason!", Grian says, but his voice is at a higher pitch than usual.

Ghostbur goes up to the door and knocks. "This is SBI! Are you guys okay in there?", they receive a couple sounds of what can only be described as an orchestra of high pitched screams and screeches.

"They might be listening to screamo!", Mumbo interrupts. Grian loves his friends.

"Yeah, Stress is into that type of music weirdly enough!", he backs him up.

"Wait", all eyes fall on Techno, whose mask looks like it's scrunched up in scrutiny. He is making sniffing sounds that make Grian and Mumbo raise an eyebrow. "I SMELL HIM!"

"WHAT"

"HE'S IN THERE!"

"No, Blade, no one's in there!"

Regardless, Techno busts the door down.

Silence befalls their little group of four.

Grian is halfway to screaming when he sees that the scene in front of him is, well, normal. How? Stress is in the kitchen, seemingly cooking, not having realized that her door is literally on the floor from how loud the roof is, Tommy and Tubbo are sitting around the coffee table with papers and upside down books strewn around the area in an unorganized mess. If you exclude the broken door, it looks like an ordinary family: the mum who is making dinner, and the children who are pretending to be doing their homework. Grian thinks it’s fake for a second, until Tubbo and Tommy yell for Stress, saying that The Blade has just broken down their door.

Techno could care less about the trauma he has caused to two impressionable teenagers.

“WHERE IS HE?!”, the hero shouts, and Grian can hear Wilbur excuse himself to call their father. Mumbo is the first to rush in after the hero and he follows suit, flailing his wings but apparently, Phil skipped the tiny detail that the trick doesn’t work when Techno is mad .

“Blade, please calm down! You’re scaring the children!”, poor, oblivious Mumbo. It’s fine, he’ll learn to read Techno like an open book in due time, Grian thinks.

“What’s going on he- HEY!”, and before anyone can register it, Stress has come over with a wet frying pan, ready to defend the boys in the living room. “What are you doing in my house?!”, she frantically looks between the three, before blocking a fuming Techno from entering further into the house, Grian and Mumbo unable to do anything to stop the man.

“WHERE ARE YOU HIDING HIM?!”

“Excuse me, sir, but you need a warrant!”, Stress accuses, as if the door didn't get kicked in, and rightfully so because heroes must follow the same rules as the police. No exceptions.

“I’ve got that covered, so sorry for the disturbance, ma’am!”, Wilbur shouts from the doorway. He is still on the phone and Grian is sure that the only reason Phil has even picked up is to ensure that his sons haven’t done anything immoral yet. Ironic, isn’t it? “The warrant will be here soon!”

“This is breaking and entering!”, Stress states, and that means that she can use self defense. Grian quickly connects the dots between the frying pan in her hands and her words, and prepares for the fight that is about to break out. Quietly, he looks over towards the boys at the coffee table, having suddenly remembered that they are just sitting there watching.

Weirdly enough, Tubbo and Tommy are calmly observing them, quiet and passing notes to one another to not disturb them. Ranboo is thankfully nowhere in sight, and Grian guesses that the boy teleported to the attic the moment the door closed- and judging by the way a very tall teenager with split black and white skin and hair sheepishly enters the fray, he must’ve teleported back, for some reason .

This is it, Grian thinks, Ranboo is probably going to die and many of them will be left scarred for life, and his suspicion is proven true by the way Techno halts his struggle of getting him and Mumbo off him.

“You…”, the hero’s voice is dangerously low. Well, Fundy won’t be the one who has to clean up the blood. “You better have my stuff on you still”

To Grian’s surprise, Techno is… weirdly calm about the situation. Ranboo is weirdly calm about it too. Stress, Tubbo and Tommy on the other hand? They are quicker at jumping in front of Ranboo to shield him than you can say “bonanza”. The situation seems under control, and Wilbur, who is still on the phone to Phil, is standing at the doorway watching with a worried face. Grian can share the sentiment.

“No, no! Wait!”, Ranboo rushes to say, which causes more than a few eyebrows to raise in question. The teenager seems to grow meek at that, almost shying away behind the overbearing protection of his friends -they are quite literally squeezing the life out of him. “I, um, I have your phone and your um, wallet”

“Alright, hand them over”

It is very weird for The Blade to be seen this calm over thievery, and if anything, all the shouting from before proves that point. Grian can’t help but be suspicious. He quickly goes over and disentangles the two shorter boys from the other’s body and guides them towards the bedroom, where it is safe. It’s not exactly a way for him to indirectly shield their ears and physical health, it’s not like they won’t put their ears on the door anyway, but it’s so he can have some peace of mind that Tommy won’t maul anyone to death again and Tubbo won’t sting anyone till they fall into a comma again.

Don’t ask how he knows their crimes. He has his uh, sources? Yeah, we’ll call it that. Just- don't ask.

“Please, don’t hurt him, Mr. Blade, he’s just being a rebel”, Stress tries to make sure that no harm comes Ranboo’s way. She mostly has her eyes on the hero’s hands as Techno opens them, expecting to be handed his items. Mumbo immediately agrees, though Wilbur questions whether Mumbo actually knows these people or not.

“They are our little street kids”, the woman says after a short while of Ranboo fumbling with the many, many inside pockets of his jacket (which are mostly holes which Stress has patched up and somehow he made them work as pockets). Techno’s nod is almost dismissive. Ranboo hesitantly approaches, and hastily places both requested items in the awaiting hands of the hero. “I sincerely apologize for his behavior”

“I think he should be the one apologizin’, ma’am”, Techno says, to which Ranboo seems to become a foot shorter to hide behind Stress.

“Please, don’t take him to the station”, she says but she is dismissed once again. The woman sighs and sadly nudges the teen towards the hero. Ranboo is at a loss for words for a few lengthy moments.

“I’m very sorry about stealing your stuff, sir”, he says, and Stress discreetly puts a comforting hand on his side. Grian’s wings shuffle behind him and Mumbo drags him to him and WIlbur, “I won’t do it again”

“What’s your name, kid?”

“um… Ranboo?”

“Here”

“Huh?”

Suddenly, in Ranboo’s spindly fingers rest a few banknotes. Bright orange banknotes. 50s. A good four of them.

What.

“Don’t go stealin’ wallets again, some of them hold another sort of value that pawnbrokers don’t see, alright?”

Wilbur absolutely gapes at his brother. Grian, despite the absurdity of the situation, finds it in himself to chuckle. A hero forgiving a thief just like that, without taking them down to the station and keep them in police custody for a day? That’s unheard of! Especially from The Blade, who has like a million arrests on his record!

Who is this look alike standing before them? Where is their Techno?

“O-okay?”, Ranboo stummers, probably from the shock of not being either cut in half or put in handcuffs. Stress seems bewildered too, and Grian gives her a look that he'll find out what's going on later, when no one will be as confused. 

"I'll be taking my leave now, it was nice meeting you and uh, sorry about your door", Techno awkwardly coughs. Stress looks at the door, finally registering its state. Yeah, that door is near shattered.

"It's uhm, alright"

Which it isn't but after what has just happened, neither Grian nor Mumbo have the mind to disagree.

"I will get some guys to replace it, I promise"

At that, Wilbur turns away from them to talk to Phil again, saying something about needing him to order a door as well.

Chapter Text

"You're saying that the two top heroes who pinned me down, one of which held a sword to my neck, plus their father, are the 'friends' you were telling me about?!", Mumbo shrieks, grabbing Grian by the shoulders and shaking him back and forth like a maraca.

The two of them left hastily after the ordeal between Ranboo and The Blade ended, Mumbo pulling Grian down to the blond's apartment, leaving the three rascals at Stress' mercy. And judging by the fact that they bumped into Impulse on their way down, the kids would be getting a double lecture. Sadly, though, Grian can't help; he has other problems to tend to himself, like the very angry mustache man in front of him. (he has taught the kids how to pull puppy eyes, they'll be fiiiine )

Mumbo only knows the basics of this bizarre family dynamic, having been out of town on "business" for about a month, in which month Grian (and the others) managed to pull a co-op Philza and adopt the street's strays. Grian had only given him the names of the kids and some basic characteristics (the obvious ones like Tubbo's bee wings and Ranboo's skin) to recognize them by. He's told him how they behave in general, but most of the conversations they've had about them were just Grian ranting about Ranboo doing this and oh my gosh, Tommy did that and how Tubbo has been getting these weird purple scabs over his knees from failed skateboard tricks so they’re keeping a closer eye on him- point is, he doesn’t know the kids as the kids themselves. And his very best friend is biased because he's running after them like a mother hen. Or parrot in his case.

But, Grian might've forgotten to tell Mumbo about his hero friends. Three of the most popular and skillful heroes in the country; in the world, even. One of which almost slit the man's throat open. Oops.

Grian can't exactly blame Mumbo for being angry at Techno (and by extension him as well but we're skipping that tiny detail). He would be upset too if some random guy almost cut his head off over a stupid potat exploding! Or, well, a misunderstood firecracker as Mumbo put it.

"Yeah!", Grian responds, quick and choppy, smiling like the madman that he is, like Mumbo just busted the best joke on the whole flippin' planet.

"Mate, you realize that they are heroes , right? He-roes "

"I do, yeah, why?"

"Weren't you telling me that the Crowfather was chasing you through the city like… two days ago?"

"Pearl had made it look like I was robbing that bank, it was a misunderstanding"

"And that The Blade almost chopped your wings off that one time?"

"We kind of ran into each other and I was covered in ketchup, he thought it was blood-"

"And wasn't there that one occurance when Ghostbur tried to use his Voice on you to make you throw yourself off that office building?"

"Eh, that was just bad timing and honestly, that was so long ago, Mumbo!"

"All of this happened, like… literally this week , Grian!"

"Buh, old news, old news!"

Mumbo facepalms. Grian resists the urge to chuckle.

"You're insufferable sometimes"

"Aw, I love you too, Mumbo!"

And with quite a strange noise, Grian falls on Mumbo, wrapping his arms and wings around the taller man.

"By the way, your potats won't explode overnight in the cupboard, right?"

Oh yeah, Mumbo has the ability to turn food items into bombs (hence the cool firecracker at the lobby). How cool is that? His go-to food is, you guessed it, potatoes; spuds; tatties; tubers; taters; or as Mumbo likes to call the ones he makes go boom: potats. They are quite explosive -Grian can tell you that much- and very destructive (and deadly 'cause they're still edible, but again, we’re skipping that detail). He has learnt to make two kinds of bombs so far: dynamite potats (which was the first batch that Grian carried up) and pressure-sensitive potats which work pretty much like mines. And yes, he has made huge mine fields using potats many times.

What? He only sets them around the parking lot of remote companies that are harmful to the environment! Those evil-doers had it coming!

“No, they should be fine as long as they’re stable and perfectly immobile-”

Grian twitches.

At that, Mumbo stops speaking, stops moving and both of their heads slowly turn to the cupboard. Grian's wings shiver, feathers ruffling and fluff raising due to goosebumps and that's when reality settles in.

"Crap"

"Did you seriously put them on top of each other?"

The avian slowly turns towards him again with a sheepish smile. He might’ve done exactly that. He discreetly coughs into his fist.

"Is there any chance you can disarm the mines?", and he coughs again, side-eyeing his mustached friend.

And that's when they hear the very distinct ploof of a potato falling.

This day is going fan-freaking-tastic.

(Never hide bombs in your cupboards, kids!)

*

Ghostbur is circling The Blade. It isn't done in a defensive sort of way, not like a predator circles its prey, but in a calculating, curious, and very scrutinizing manner. His brother acts like a cat sometimes and Techno can't do much about it other than accept it, even though he's a dog person. And that's fine, he can't really say that having a non-corporeal person walking around him in circles annoys him (he's used to it) but the reason he's doing it? Oh, man, the reason is perhaps the most annoying thing of all time. It's probably more annoying than having to tie your shoelaces every morning.

Wilbur is questioning his actions. It's been about half an hour since they departed from the block of flats, received their warrant and printed it out in a bookstore to file later at the police station (bless Phil) but Wil is too stubborn to forget about an incident that happened so long ago. Ugh. He supposes that it is kind of strange for the fearsome Blade to let a teenage thief off the hook so easily. Especially when he has arrested teens for pettier illegal things than pickpocketing. Especially when said thief stole his own belongings.

Shouldn't he be holding a huge grudge or something? Isn't his vengefulness and ultimate sense of justice supposed to be taking over? That's what Techno thinks should be happening right about now, and his brother has been reminding him every ten seconds, but for some reason, imagining the kid's face in his mind's eye doesn't anger him nor ire him at all. It is… weird, strange; it makes him feel uncomfortable and his skin fills with goosebumps.

"Are you really The Blade?", Wilbur asks, using titles only because they are in public. The public must never learn their real identities, lest they want to have reporters flocking their house and said house to be destroyed by vengeful villains (the three of them have put many big guys in jail, they wouldn’t put it past said guys to destroy a house with them inside of it). Only Phil’s crows would make it out alive.

"You're acting a little sus"

"Shut up, Ghostbur"

The public doesn't even know that they are related; that they are family . They don't know that Ghostbur and The Blade are brothers, or that The Crowfather is in reality their father and sole caregiver. And even though it would've added billions of points to their popularity basket and probably have them trending on Twitter for a couple months, they prefer their lives to be private; not broadcasted on the media. It's safer and more comfortable that way.

"You let that kid go without making that much of a fuss", Wil says instead, completely ignoring him and the death stare he receives. "You never do that"

Techno can't do anything but grit his teeth in defeat and silently fume. How does he even defend himself here? He can't really walk faster than a ghost and running or holding a shouting match in public for no reason does not sound very appealing. Darn his introversion and shyness.

He can't exactly kill his brother either because, well, he's his brother , and no matter what, he is doomed to forever love him.

And suddenly, Wilbur's eyes light up, like he has found a gilded sarcophagus in a random dune of the desert. Techno does not think that is a good sign for his mental health. No, scratch that, it is definitely not a good sign for his mental health, because Wil's grin is wider than Jeff the Killer's smile.

"Ghostbur, don't say something you'll regret-"

"Aw, has The Great Blade gone sooooft ?", the brunet asks in this annoying, high-pitched, babying tone. Techno is absolutely fuming, definitely not blushing in embarrassment in the middle of the street.

"No, I have not gone soft", he attempts to ensure but Wil only grins wider. God, can't a guy have morals and not be teased for it?

The reason he did not beat that kid's ass was because said kid had managed to somehow escape him, even when Techno had cornered him in that alleyway. Well, not exactly cornered, but close enough. And he can respect that because that's a super rare thing to happen. Actually, that never happens. No one escapes The Blade, and this is not a warning; it's a fact but Ranboo somehow managed to prove him wrong.

The kid was polite and had manners too which is an incredibly rare thing for a teenager his age. That added a couple points towards Techno not wanting to murder him as much for stealing his stuff.

On top of it all, Grian was defending Ranboo along with that other woman with the pan (she was scary , like, who holds a pan to a hero’s head?!), and he's probably been housing him from time to time if the fact that they shared the scent of bird dust counted. Which, yes, added many more points.

In the years that he's known Grian, it has become apparent that the man never does anything without a good reason. Most times. He will never forget that one time the avian bought all the egg cartons of a supermarket for an unexplained reason. Come to think of it, wasn't there a protest march the next day? And the heroes who tried to diffuse the situation got absolutely egged?

Yes, that's it, that's the only reason for letting the kid go scot free. He totally did not develop a soft spot for the kid in the few seconds that they interacted. It was totally because Grian was there that Ranboo got away unscathed. Mhm, yes, yes.

Then Wilbur's annoying, irritating voice broke through his (derailed) train of thought.

"Awwww, Technosoft, Technosoft~ "

Techno finds it somewhat more appealing to run away now. Especially since bystanders have started looking at him and Ghostbur and trying to decipher their words in the bustle of the crowd. This is just embarrassing, and the one hour of Blade fanservice is over for the month- he is not about to give thirteen-year-olds more material of the sort to write fanfics about.

"Ghostbur, stop " - or a fist fight will break out in the middle of the street . Wil catches that silent threat and backs away with that stupidly wide grin, looking casual and smug as ever. Techno starts thinking of ways to get back at his brother once their shift is over.

A wide shadow passes over them at that moment, however, and the people around cheer and greet The Crowfather . And why would they not? Philza, or The Crowfather, is one of the oldest heroes who have yet to retire, well into his mid-thirties and made of dad-material. The kids and teens alike love him and aspire to be like him, though they'd be missing the huge crow wings.

And the huge murder of crows that follow him like the plague. Yeah, kinda hard for a normal person to have that many crows chillin' in their backyard.

Guess the two of them can flex with a dad like Philza flippin’ Minecraft.

Techno sighs in relief and Wilbur turns into a cheeky face; that of a toddler who says that he hasn't eaten the whole jar of Nutella despite the empty jar in his hands and the Nutella smeared on his face. Techno really wants to jump his sibling right about now but he can't do it when Dadza is around. Parents never stop being parents after all (Phil still grounds them when they misbehave) and Wilbur can be so childish sometimes that he'll just use his Voice to get out of trouble (Techno always gets him back one way or another after those occurrences).

Once Phil lands, Techno wastes no time in walking over to greet their old man and Wilbur follows along, hands in the pockets of his pants, leaning back, relaxed. Phil stops Wilbur with a finger, however, and then halts Techno with a hawk-like glare. His wings fluff up, as if he needs to appear bigger when the air around him already is so authoritative and intimidating, and his sclera are narrower than they should be on the ground.

Oh no.

This is a bad sign. The two of them are about to have a bad time, aren't they? And villains think that they've seen dear Crowfather's mad self, in actuality, they know nothing about it because they don't get lectured by him whenever they rob a bank the wrong way.

"You're explaining everything that happened when we get home", Phil says, voice dangerously low and dangerous; it makes them both shiver. Techno thought that Wilbur had told Phil everything that happened. The betrayal .

Phil doesn't have to threaten them more than that to acquire all the information he needs anyway. And then, it's like someone has just… flipped a switch and the blond man turns to greet the crowd with the biggest, most innocent smile in the world -and he looks so angelic that his face seems to sparkle . It's unnerving how a man -more specifically: their father - can switch character so easily.

That even shut Wil up. That's good. Techno can deal with some less bullying on the streets. But he knows that the peace will last only for the duration of their patrol. Right as they step into HQ, it'll pick up again- and no, again, he has not gone soft . The Blade is and shall remain a stoic Hero figure. A random teenager will not change that!

But when they arrive at the HQ about three hours later, when the sky is beginning to turn orange, Wilbur doesn't start anything. Neither of them does for a solid second. As they step into the elevator to go to their respective offices and check out, Phil's aura is… Well, weird, for lack of a better word. It's like that moment in horror movies when the bass drops and you know that something is about to go wrong and the main character just looks off to the side like Dwayne Johnson with his smolder thing. Techno urges down a shiver.

Phil doesn’t ask about the sudden call about the warrant, nor about the overpriced, wooden door delivery they needed from Praktiker.

"I wanted to talk to you", he says instead, feathers bristling slightly. Ah, now the two of them get to know why their father took up the dramatic demeanor of the main character in a horror movie.

Wilbur nods, Techno does as well, and the two walk into their father's office without a hint of hesitation. Visible hesitation, because Techno can feel the tiniest bead of sweat forming on his eyebrow. He has no doubt that Wilbur feels the same if the slight twitch of his left pinkie finger is any indication. 

"There has been increased vigilante activity in the parish church of St. George" Phil tells them matter-of-factly. They nod. 

Vigilante activity is no news to them; vigilantes existed way before licensed heroes did! It’s how the job came to be. Too many wanted to play cops and robbers and the government thought, hey, why not actually make this into a job? They have super powers, they’ll be alright! So now both heroes and vigilantes exist! One is paid, the other is a volunteer. Great, innit?

However, most vigilantes keep a low profile, they hide and act like Spiderman or Batman and all those other heroes only in cases the real heroes might overlook or simply not notice, such as small-scale burglaries or a mugging in an alleyway. The heroes, at least the Sleepy Bois INC. (the three of them), praise and speak highly of them and if they could, they'd buy them a ton of ice cream and treats. But they can't. Why? Because the governor has his nose too far up his a- ahem. You get what I mean.

Rules are rules and laws are laws. Heroes are bound by contract, by some stolen oath that Techno couldn't care less about and an image to uphold since one's official debut. It's a political mess, honestly. A normal citizen would see the amount of paperwork and rules and etiquette and run for the hills. The amount of work and signing papers is scarier than catching the big guys outside. Only the crazy ones apply for hero jobs.

And even crazier (or perhaps immature as some see it) ones become vigilantes. Those guys are on their own, having to find their own little circle of connections, a place to heal injuries, fund their own equipment… it puts a huge dent in someone's life, is what it does. Vigilantes don't get paid, they have to make due with what they have and what they earn in their day jobs -if they have a day job and remember the rules and laws? Yeah, vigilantes are considered illegal.

Techno knows all this simply because the great Crowfather once was a part-time vigilante. Surprising, isn't it? He doesn't know how he did it but Phil became experienced enough to just open up his own hero business, drag his two sons in the biz and then the three of them were ranking in the top ten.

As you can see, they're learning from the best.

"Right. You want us to chase 'em?", Techno asks. The man nods, Wilbur groans at the idea.

"Yes, I want you two to catch as many as you can. Bystanders say that most of them are just kids playing heroes", he explains. "I'd rather they be in police custody for a day than spend another one outside"

Wilbur grows curious then and raises a questioning eyebrow. "Are you worried about the Watcher's increase in activity?"

"I am"

And when Phil worries about something, it is something major; something awfully huge and giant. Before the Watcher, there was no one that could match Phil, much less to out-match him. Every villain that they have come across was easy to throw in jail or to sail off to the Pentagon. Now? Now there is a villain dude that can fly faster, think faster and flee faster than their old man.

The Watcher is a danger, a terrorist in most cases that involve him and a complete mystery to the world. They only know his alias and gender and that's only because he had the decency to introduce himself on the news station before he started wrecking hero lives the next. He has claimed at least ten heroes’ lives. No one knows his motives, who he is, what his ability is; they can only come up with theories and even then, something either doesn't correlate or doesn't make sense.

Whenever a case pops up and The Watcher is involved, both Techno and Wil spot the unhappy quirk of Phil's eyebrows.

"Weren't you chasing him like two days ago?", Wilbur asks.

"We were all chasing him", Techno corrects.

"Yeah, but Phil did most of the work-"

It was a bank robbery gone wrong. Honestly, no one knows who started it -who walked in and held the gun. It was just two up-and-coming villains at first, Pearlescent Moon and her accomplice, Gemini. Not too much is known about them, their abilities are untrained and dangerous but nothing that heroes can't handle. The Dream Team had arrived on scene and they had the situation under control but then, The Watcher appeared out of nowhere and helped the two escape. SBI was called in and it was a wild goose chase from then on out.

Long story short, they did not manage to catch any of them that night.

Phil clears his throat, professional as ever, dragging their attention back to him.

"Anyways, I do not want to risk any of those kids going after the big fish or the big fish going after them. God knows what the Watcher will do to them if they confront him"

Techno hums, considering it. Beside him, he notices Wilbur cringing.

There haven't been any cases of The Watcher hitting vigilantes or mere bystanders. None of them are stupid enough to pick a fight with the sole man who can escape from The Crowfather but there are exceptions. There's a reason that Karens walk the Earth still.

"This is going to be a long week"

Phil clears his throat discreetly.

Oh boy .

"Week s "

*

"Guys, I am up for some crime stoppin' tonight", Tommy, in the guise of RaccoonInnit, biggest man, greatest vigilante and crime stopper ever, tells his two accomplices as he arrives at their meeting spot. It's nothing special, really, but it is their hang out spot both in regular and 'hero' clothes.

It's the video club that is next to the block of flats. What? The cashier is a good friend of the tenants, and by relation, he is a good friend of theirs and the best cover-up ever. If the heroes or villains chase 'em, they can just burst into the video club and hide behind the racks without so much as a shout (as long as it is before closing time). Jimmy, the aforementioned friend and video club cashier, is a very understanding person.

He also doesn't tattle on their midnight activities without being blackmailed, which is a huge plus. This blond, British man is the reason they can escape Stress' inquiries on the barely visible bags underneath their eyes so easily. They were just helping him stack some shelves, don't worry. They definitely weren't losing sleep because they were chasing bad guys, no no.

Speaking of Stress, she grounded them. It was unavoidable, unfortunately, and very not poggers, thanks to a tall, skinny teenager who both he and Tubbo hold a huge grudge over now (they kicked him off the bed for that). It's both because of the grounding and because of the fact that Impulse took back their free iDimpy rights for an undetermined amount of time. The man only told them "Until you behave, I am not giving it back". So, as you can tell, they aren’t having the best of times now.

Which is bullshit in Tommy's opinion, because they always behave themselves (aka when they roll +100 Stealth in pickpocketing and x2 Luck in car washing). It's not Ranboo's fault that The Blade stood in his path!

His accomplices, his most trusted partners in crime, are none other than Ranboob as Endwalker and Tubbo as Tubbee , who nod with this sophisticated look on their faces when he approaches.

Or, he thinks it's a sophisticated look at the very least it's a professional one.

Ranboo is wearing a face mask and sunglasses (which Tommy finds weird since it's night, and, well, the sun isn't out at night but who is he to sadden his friend?) and Tubbo has this steampunk look down to a T with glued-on rusty gears on orange tinted goggles and makeshift gas mask and the hundreds of sewed-on nuts and rusks and whatever Fundy (the janitor) calls those other ones, on a belt he had stolen some time ago.

Their costumes aren't anything special, literally handmade with the help of the amazing Cleo, who they had sworn to secrecy about the costumes because God knows what Stress would do if she found out that they punch evildoers every now and again.

So, y'know, he can't really make out their expressions.

At least they fit them all aesthetically. Tommy's is the simplest thing ever, though. He only wears his signature red and white baseball tee, a red bandana covering his nose and mouth and another black one covering his eyes -kind of like the mutant ninja turtles'! Listen, he couldn't help himself when the funny image of a raccoon thief defending innocent grandmas came to mind! It was too badass and cool to resist, so he took up the raccoon thief aesthetic with honor and pride.

"Alright, boss man, I don't think I'll be awake for long so the first couple must be quick", Tubbo informs him and already the brunet is yawning into his hand. Bee genes, innit? Poor Tubbo is as sleepy at night as he is energetic during the day and in an hour or so, Tommy calculates, he'll be a walking zombie. Or sleepwalking. It's as funny as it is inconvenient.

So, as Tubbo said, they'll have to deal with the first few crime cases quickly. 

"Right, the usual route?" Ranboo asks. Tommy hates his friend's height, because he is the only person that makes him crane his neck to look at.

"I'd say so. What do you say, Tubs?"

The brunet hums in consideration. 

"Sure. Can we check out the crystal shop down the road by the way?"

"What are the two of you up to again?", Jimmy comes out of the backroom with a box of new DVDs and blank blue cases, "Aren't the three of you supposed to be grounded?"

"Big J, big man, king of all things CD, how are you on this very fine evening?", Tommy asks in an attempt to change the subject. The man chuckles awkwardly and puts the box down on the counter. Tubbo makes a noise of interest and wastes no time jumping on the counter to inspect the new arrivals.

“Hey, hey! Careful with those!”, Jimmy, despite his attempt at being firm for half a second, goes ignored. It’s fine, it’s not like they take any of the DVDs (they don’t have a DVD player) anyway. The man sighs and turns his attention to the other two. “Are the three of you off to your hero shenanigans again?”

“Mhm, yes we are”, Tommy responds quickly. Ranboo nods beside him.

“The Watcher has been getting more active lately so we’re doing our part in keeping people safe!”

"That's a questionable thing to do after almost blowing up the ba-"

Tubbo’s wings buzz, seemingly having found something of interest. Or he just wants to distract Jimmy from his failed attempt at a successful bank robbery. But who can really tell?

“Yo! This movie looks sick! Can you-”

“Yes, yes, I’ll recommend it to Stress next time she wants to watch a comedy”

And Tubbo fistbumps the air. Honestly, the three of them leech off the tenants a bit too much. Actually, is it even leeching if they are willfully doing it? Tommy thinks that it isn’t. He is pretty sure that Stress would chase them around the block if they refused to eat for a day.

Jimmy’s attention shifts to them again as Tubbo climbs off the counter, leaving the DVD he picked out outside of the box.

“Anyway, you really shouldn’t be messing with the big guys, boys”, he warns them. More like lectures. Tommy does not like Jimmy’s attitude now. “Best case scenario, you’ll end up in a hospital bed”

“Listen here, buddy, you don’t tell bigman Tommy Innit what to do-”, Ranboo pulls Tommy back by his shirt, and manages to keep him at a safe distance as he hisses and claws the air in the direction of the cashier.

“What he means to say is thank you for the advice, right Tommy?.. Okay, ow, ow- No, don’t do that!”

As the two of them argue in the background, Tubbo pats Jimmy’s shoulder.

“Don’t worry bossman, we’re careful!”

Jimmy shakes his head.

“You have no idea what you’re getting yourselves into”

“Come oooon, he’s just slippery, that’s why the heroes haven’t caught him!”

“Uh huh”

*

Okay, so, turns out, The Watcher isn’t just slippery. That’s the first thing they learn when they find said villain flying over the city. He is fast; too fast , one might say. Faster than Crowfather even! And that says something about The Watcher’s superiority. The thing is that his abilities -whatever they are- allow for massive damage. Bigger damage than even freaking flex tape can fix! Flex tape! Have you seen that tape at work?! And the scale of said damage could easily redefine the word “massive”, don't even get him started on that.

He has already risked his nose for a grandma and Tubbo managed to fly two bystanders out of the way. And Ranboo has been teleporting left and right to get little kids out of the way. Why are there kids on the streets this late at night anyway?

Whatever, doesn't really matter, because, well...

The three of them are running. Running from what, you ask? Well, my friend, wherever there is a villain, there is always a hero, as they have learnt, and when those two meet, a huge fight breaks out. So, they might not be chasing them but the concrete debris certainly is.

“I think this was a bad idea!”, Tubbo yells and ducks right as a giant piece of cement flies over his head.

“Oh, it was!”, Tommy agrees -despite being so sure of the opposite like… an hour ago, whatever- and yips as a blast of air knocks him forwards. He trips over his feet but stays standing and chases after his friends. Ranboo returns to their side, having gone to move a couple to a safer spot than the open street.

“Tommy, morph and I’ll get us out of here!”, without a second thought, Tommy morphs into a small, hissing raccoon and jumps on Ranboo’s arm. Tubbo grabs the taller’s shoulder and with a very loud vwoop , they are out of there, missing the big piece of wall that would’ve hit them had they continued running instead.

Tommy has always hated teleporting, what with all the nausea and ill feeling that it brings him as a raccoon, and he still hates it when it has fished him out of a deep dry well. It’s not fun either way. One time, he almost stumbled off a roof because of it, which was not traumatizing per se but definitely close to it.

Lucky Ranboo, he doesn’t get affected by it since it’s an inherited ability of enderborns. Tubbo- oh. He has passed out, that’s not good. Tommy looks around to establish where Ranboo teleported the three of them and- oh okay, they are on the roof of a tall building quite far away from the fight, they can spare a minute to plan out shit. No one will find them on an open rooftop, right? Not even The Watcher, or Dream, who can fly, right? Yeah, nah, they won’t find them, what a ludicrous thought!

“Seems like he’s gone to bed early”, Ranboo comments when he checks on Tubbo’s condition.

“Can’t fault him with all the running we did”, Tommy shrugs after he morphs back into Human!Tommy Innit. “What do we do now?”

It is Ranboo’s turn to shrug. Tommy flips him off for no evident reason. He raises an eyebrow.

“We can’t just watch!”

“Innit, we can’t do anything to him! He doesn’t let anyone get close enough to land a hit on him, I mean, you saw how easily he threw Dream off him! Dream! ”

Oh, yeah, The Watcher did that, didn’t he? Dream is one of the best heroes, easily top-ten in the popularity and skill leaderboards. His ability is creation, which means that he can make anything out of thin air, the lucky, green teletubby bitch- Tommy holds a grudge against him and his team of heroes. What? They’ve ended more than one vigilante’s career long-term and they’ve had their fair share of experiences with the Dream Team, Tommy is allowed to hold grudges. And while he hates them, he can say that if Ranboo did not exist, he and Tubbo would’ve been thrown in jail or something. Actually, that applies to all heroes because Ranboo is just that overpowered.

But to throw Dream off? Not even throw , it was more of a kick to the stomach, he is pretty sure, or like, a dropkick. It was a pretty good hit, whatever it was, literally sent him flying into a house and he even made a dent in the wall like in the cartoons! That’s like, impossible to do! The guy has taken down the best of the best without being touched! He’s invincible! Well, guess The Watcher has proved that he is higher than mortals, end of conversation.

“Fucking Dream, man, hope he gets a broken arm”, Tommy grumbles. "Or a leg. Y'know the saying "break a leg"?, yeah, that but long term"

“Pretty sure that is a wish for good luck”

“Shut it”

Ranboo gives a smug grin. Tommy almost pushes him off the building.

The two of them sit down after their little wrestling match near the edge of the roof, Ranboo pulling the sleeping Tubbee between them, and watch the heroes fight The Watcher from a safe distance. It’s not everyday that you get to see either of the teams in action, and the fact that The Watcher is able to take on three of the best heroes at once is… inspiring? yes, for lack of a better word, it’s inspiring. And scary, but mostly inspiring. Tommy would like to hold that level of power one day; not to do crime but to stop it. He wants to be the opposite of The Watcher, y’know?

And it's Hella entertaining, actually. They find themselves laughing more than once at each punch thrown despite the damage that is dealt to nearby buildings. Quite the moral compass, innit? I mean, the heroes are getting thrown around like pillows in a pillow fight! That’s quite a funny comparison and a funny scene, they only need popcorn.

It’s easy to tell that the Dream Team is having trouble too, and that point is accentuated when they lose the villain when he flies down in the gaps between the buildings. You see, this whole time, they’d been fighting in the sky. Dream had made a pair of wings for himself and Sapnap (the guy is a demon hybrid) was chasing him Iron Man style with his pyromancy shit and 404 was too slow to catch up.

But they didn’t lose him! Because they literally saw where he went! They were watching! Haha, funny pun, yup yup. And they know the layout of this part of town like the palms of their hands! You know what this means? This could be their chance to shine, Tommy thinks, and a chance to stop The Watcher and his evil plans (whatever those are) once and for all.

Ranboo suspiciously side-eyes Tommy.

“RaccoonInnit, please, we really shouldn’t- ”

“Come on, Endwalker! Let’s go after him! We can trap him like Hiccup did Toothless in the first movie!”

“When did you even see that movie?? And no, that is absolutely crazy! We don’t even have anything to trap him with!”

Tommy thinks that Ranboo is one of the non-believers or pussies. He's probably one of the pussies; the guy likes cats, he's been feeding their scraps to the strays of the neighborhood for like a month now, despite himself and Tubbo always telling him not to because God knows if they'll have enough to eat tomorrow.

They can probably find something, like a stink bomb or a heavy rock, to throw at the guy. It can’t be that hard, can it? Surely in one of those trash cans they’ll find something useful! Tommy has a master’s degree in dumpster diving after all.

“You seriously think that we’ll be able to just… hurl a net at him and ask him to follow us to the cops?”

“Of course! RaccoonInnit is the best at persuasion, bigman!”

“I really doubt that. Last time you tried to flex your diplomacy skills, Cleo gave us extra homework. On a weekend ”

Tubbo huffs in his sleep at that, probably still in that half-awake, half-asleep state. Tommy furrows his eyebrows, an irritation tick just ticking away on his forehead, and is a second away from tackling Tubbo for laughing at him.

“If we don't go after him now, we're losing our chance!", he says instead, his anger well-hidden or redirected. He likes to think that it's well-hidden.

“You're losing the chance to do what?”

The both of them freeze at the foreign voice. Well, it’s only foreign to Ranboo, because Tommy heard it not too long ago. Fuck, two times in the same day is too much, Tommy thinks he might faint, actually. Behind them stands The Crowfather in all his glory, huge black wings tucked behind his back, wearing his signature green and gold kimono and looking at them with a disturbingly kind smile for a hero.

They usually don’t get smiles from heroes because none of them look at vigilantes in a kind way but Tommy is none the wiser when it comes to his god , his idol , the undisputed one and only who he'd kiss the ground for.

“Innit, we gotta go-”, he doesn’t listen to Ranboob, who has grabbed Tubbo under one arm (how is he even doing that? When did adrenaline give power buffs?) and stood up. Ranboo knows nothing, Tommy thinks, and he continues to gaze at The Crowfather with the sort of admiration only a No.1 fan can muster. And not many can earn Tommy’s admiration so that says a lot about the hero.

Tommy is only a little biased when it comes to The Crowfather though. God knows what the guy actually wants from them which is what worries Ranboo at the moment.

“No! No, don’t worry, I’m not here to hurt you”, The Crowfather quickly says, raising his hands up in a placating gesture. “I just want to help you”

“And I’m the queen of England”, Ranboo replies sassily, though the comment might’ve offended Tommy (who bristles and shouts at him to not be rude to The Crowfather) more than the hero. Said hero chuckles, and Tommy thinks he might faint for a second time. It is a pure blessing to hear such a sound. But then the hero’s eyes land on Tubbee and Ranboo flinches back just a tiny bit.

“Is your friend okay?”, the hero asks hurriedly, “Did you three get caught up in the fight?”

“No!”, Tommy immediately replies, as if someone has flipped the danger switch and now he is in panic mode. Ranboo thinks that it took him long enough to comprehend their situation. They’ve been compromised for like… a minute now? Two?

It is always bad when a hero starts asking questions because everything you say can and will be used against you in court or whatever.

Tommy quickly looks around for the foreboding murder of crows that accompanies The Crowfather and thanks to his excellent raccoon nightvision, he can easily spot the dark birds in the cover of the night. He has seen those things peck villains to bits on TV. Honestly, he doesn't want to be a mess of raccoon hair and peck marks at the end of this despite how much of an honor it would be.

Would it even be an honor? Eh, who cares.

"Hmmm", Crowfather hums “Okay”. Tommy slowly scoots backwards, motions slow so as to not be perceived as an escapee. No, he is definitely not stalling to spend more time with his idol who is probably going to arrest them, what do you mean-

He is perfectly fine with just the man's signature on his wrist. Speaking of which, he should hide that, rinse it off and whistle innocently as he walks down the street. The reason in him says that they are about to be arrested but he wonders whether being arrested by the great Crowfather will be a good story to tell his grandkids -nah, too early for those sort of stories.

“What the three of you are doing is illegal, you know”, the hero tells them, wings spreading just enough to mesmerize an awe-filled Tommy and a Ranboo that can honestly give less of a shit about what the hero has to tell them. “And dangerous,  especially if you're planning on going after The Watcher. You could get seriously hurt"

“Yeah, we saw the Dream Team get their asses kicked by The Watcher, pretty uncool and un-poggers if you’d ask me”, Tommy says with a thoughtful nod. Ranboo shoots him a look but it’s not like he can see it from within his sunglasses.

…They should really upgrade their costumes. At least get ski masks or something for eye-communicating or whatever.

“Alright”, the hero smiles, again, all kindly and stuff and Ranboo does not trust this one bit. Tommy starts to doubt the genuinity of that smile; it’s too strained. “I’d very much like you to follow me to the police department, we can call your parents there”

“Parents? No, we are big men with many women, no children here, king, nope-”, Tommy quickly rushes out because this is actually more serious than they thought it’d be.

When you think of a hero and vigilante meeting, you think that it’s gonna be a stand-off or something, and it is, but being the vigilante in this situation? With one of the top-ten heroes about to call your parents on you? And said parents not existing? Yeah, it’s not convenient at all.

Ranboo rushes to make a cover story.

“Yeah, and we seriously gotta get going, it’s been fun but we have uhhhhh… Business!”

“Big business! So much business, you don’t even want to know what it is all about!”

The Crowfather raises a blond eyebrow at them. Tommy manages to stand up and stumble backwards. Sadly, he doesn’t have eyes on his back, so Ranboo reaches a hand out to stop him from falling off the edge of the roof and teleport the three of them out of there.

Right on cue, the crows that have been patiently waiting on the surrounding buildings and trees flap and fly up and finally dive bomb Ranboo and Tommy with their pecking and highly annoying beaks. The Crowfather still smiles as the three of them get separated.

Tommy yells at the stupid birds, of course, because he has had many seaguls steal his sandwich from his hands when he and Tubbo take a break by the sea and Ranboo stumbles around the rooftop, bumps into many TV antennas and almost drops the sleeping bee in his arms in his attempt to get away from the stupid birds. This- this really isn’t working out for them, is it? Who knew birds could be so useful?

“End, we gotta bounce!”, Tommy shouts over the cacophony of croaking and the little annoyances that flap and peck at their faces.

How in hell has Tubbo not woken up in all the commotion?!

He can't hear Ranboo over the scuffle and the instinctive warbles of the enderborn. He sees The Crowfather looking quite amused with himself, as if ordering crows to feast on two innocent, vigilante boys is some sort of achievement. As much as he can, he tries to focus on the man's lips, or on the sounds that escape, he can hardly make it out but-

"...got three… chase- Watcher in the-"

Watcher in the sky! Tommy hears the flapping of wings before he can turn his head to look, and he can see the hero's eyes widen in a mix of shock, awe and fear as he looks at something behind them. The crows disperse at once, croaking and shouting still but the two of them are free to finally leave.

"End!", Tommy shouts. He feels Ranboo's hand on his back, right as purple clothes and obsidian feathers flutter into view. They teleport away just as The Crowfather is attacked by The Watcher .

*

Holy shit , they just lived through that. They lived through The Watcher's attack on a top-tier hero, holy shit, cum and balls- Yes, many, many balls of many, many materials.

Tommy can not believe it. Neither can Ranboo but Tommy has taken the stage with his exaggerations. When Jimmy asks why they are back to the video club so early, he doesn't get a response other than " piss, cum, semen , holy fucking ballsacks -" as that is Tommy's way of expressing stress.

Immature, he knows.

"Uhm, okay"

But holy fucking Primes , they just did that!

He briefly wonders if his idol, his hero, The Crowfather is going to make it out alive but dismisses the thought almost immediately. He's fucking The Crowfather, man, he's going to be fine. Probably. I mean, the Dream Team did get their asses handed to them so… who knows, honestly.

Nah, he'll be a-okay, he's a trained professional, there is no need to worry.

"Jesus Christ that was stressful", Tubbo comments and Ranboo, as shaky as he still is from dodging a bullet to the head or maybe he actually got hit by the villain’s wing, raises an eyebrow at him.

"You weren't even awake!", he exclaims.

"Yes I was", the bee-hybrid deflects, like it's a fact. "I was half-awake and half-aware"

"Right", Ranboo doesn't believe him.

"I was just holding in my"-he yawns into his hand-"my jumps, good night now"

He blinks at Tubbo as the brunet just flops dead on the floor, snoring lightly as he inhales all the dust and dirt of the floor.

"Um, Ranboo, I think Tommy is broken- no, that's not for chewing! Tommy!", Jimmy rushes after Tommy, who has shifted into a raccoon once more and is angrily chewing away at a random DVD case he found.

Ranboo silently thanks God for his teleportation powers, because he can't think of a way that he could safely and silently carry his friends to their little attic room.

Chapter Text

“Not a word”, Phil warns his two sons when he enters the house. Wilbur and Techno stare at him wide-eyed, maybe concerned or on the verge of making fun of his ridiculous, otherworldly, physical state. He can't really tell over the exhaustion in his old, aching hollow bones.

He has sticks and leaves sticking out of his (messed up) blond hair which is caked in debris and blood. His clothes are torn in places, his prized kimono ruined beyond repair and to top it all off, his wings are a mess and in immediate need of a good, long preen. Some of the secondary feathers are hanging on by a thread; he should pull those off.

He hates this. He hates everything, he hates the houseplant outside, he hates the proximity of the buildings, he hates owl wings and he abso -fucking- lutely hates The Watcher.

No, the villain doesn’t have owl wings but he may as well do with how silent he is! Phil's poor, elderly heart has yet to return to its normal rate ‐his BPS has probably set a new world record by now- from the huge scare he received tonight.

Instead of making fun of him as many would expect these chaotic brats to do, his sons rush to his side and look him over for any open wounds -which, no , Wilbur, he did not get stabbed . Only a little battered and bruised and a little punched through the fuckin’ wall . Y’know, the usual shit a hero has to go through when fighting an overpowered villain. And no , Techno, he is not bleeding- oh, would you look at that, he is bleeding. Guess the blood on him isn’t The Watcher’s after all. At least this one will heal quickly; ‘tis but a flesh ‘ound!

“How did you even bump into The Watcher when the Dream Team was chasing him?”, Wilbur asks after Phil shoos him to go to the kitchen.

“ He bumped into me! “, he says, very exasperated and frustrated with the beating the villain oh-so-kindly gave him. “He just- flew in while my crows were distracted with the two little shits- ahem- vigilantes, sorry, misdirected anger”, he hastily apologizes, doing a vague motion with his hands to accentuate his overwhelming frustration. “He came out of fucking nowhere! Just woooosh! And he was there!”

And a second later, Phil had been drop-kicked into the building next door and completely ruined a family's dinner. He probably gave the kids nightmares for the next year or so but honestly, that was the mildest his night was.

It was quite the painful experience, honestly, though every experience that involves The Watcher is painful in many ways and for obvious reasons. Not only is Phil having trouble hauling himself around, barely being able to put one foot in front of the other like a toddler learning how to walk but his pride has been hurt and his reputation ruined.

“What happened to the vigilantes? Did he get them?”, Techno asks, failing to mask his growing concern. Phil sits at the table after Wilbur fusses over him having to rest so as not to open the barely sealed wound. He lets his son serve him dinner.

“The taller of the three has teleportation powers. He got them out of there right as The Watcher showed up”, he explains and takes a spoonful of the soup Wilbur served him.

By the taste, he can easily tell that Techno cooked tonight. That and the fact that there are more potatoes than there are carrots swimming in the broth and more herbs have been added on top. It’s warm, the taste is perfect, same goes for the texture which he can tell his son has paid extra attention to for Wilbur’s ruined taste buds. It makes him feel proud; proud of both of his boys. He feels warm by the sense of home; of family.

It dawns on him then that he could’ve died tonight. This night easily could’ve been his last. It is a miracle that he is even standing right now -or, well, sitting- talking to his sons like it’s a normal night. He realizes that today… today he could’ve lost this; his life, his sons simply reaped from his hands and he would be ripped from theirs. No one escapes The Watcher unless he doesn’t feel like giving chase; he can track heroes down even if they are in the next town over and he has proved that by killing those who tried to escape him that way.

Phil is simply lucky that he was let go for an unclear reason he'd rather not debate now.

He can’t thank his guardian angel enough.

“Oh”, Techno exclaims in surprise when his phone rings. He swiftly takes it out of his pocket and looks at the caller ID. He smirks, all smug and his eyes glint with this twinge of mischief that Phil only sees when- "It's Dream. Brb, gotta bully a green teletubby".

Wilbur giggles and Phil follows suit. The other leaves to have some privacy for his cyber bullying.

"Get the sleep-man for me when you're done!", Wilbur calls after his brother. Phil sighs.

This is what he is trying to protect. Silly moments like these when his hero boys are cracking jokes and hanging out with friends or the times that Phil isn't dead on his feet and they put on movies to watch till they fall asleep on the couch. So far, he thanks the gods for this, neither Techno or Wilbur have had a close encounter with The Watcher and the villain hasn't taken an interest in them to instigate a confrontation yet- thank God. He has forbidden the two of them from even looking at the villain as well, only letting them study live and captured footage in hopes of figuring out the guy's powers.

Until the hero society knows of The Watcher's full list of powers and weaknesses, Wilbur and Techno are banned from confronting the villain.

That being said, they don't know how difficult it is to chase after this particular villain.

"How did the Dream Team even lose him? Dream is an incredible tracker, easily the best in the country, and George and Sapnap are top-tier bounty hunters! How did they let the guy slip away like that?", Wilbur asks, throwing his arms in the air.

Wil has always been quite animated when he talks about something he is passionate about. This time, however, he is not passionate. Like Phil himself, he is exasperated with the situation.

Phil feels bad when this happens; when he has to share the emotional burden of a humiliating defeat with his sons. Not because his pride is hurt but because he does not want them to get frustrated like this and grow gray hairs. He can be a little bit of a mother goose (or mother crow in this case) sometimes, he'll admit.

Nevertheless, he has no other option than to tell Wilbur what happened. He knows that once the brunet is curious about something, he'll look until he can find out everything about it. He'd find out sooner or later anyway if the press is doing its job correctly and it's probably for the best.

"He dove in an alleyway while Dream and Sapnap were in the sky. The bastard is difficult to follow even on land", Phil seethes and realizes at the same time.

Not only is that goddamned villain at home in the sky but he is just as slippery on land . You'd think an avian with wings as big as The Watcher’s would be slow and overburdened or completely unable to walk simply because of the weight on their back. Normal, well-known and logical physics, science, etcetera. And here The Watcher is; proving the scientists all wrong by running away on foot, not even a fallen feather or a rustle left behind.

Why he even retreated when it looked like he was winning is a complete mystery.

"What about George?", Wilbur then asks.

Phil thinks about it for a bit. He didn't see George around the area of the fight but then again, the heroes were fighting in the sky where 404 could not follow. Like most humans, he is stuck to the ground. But… What troubles him about this is that he didn't see anyone wearing a mushroom cap on the ground when he was flying by. Thinking about it now, that's weird . George was supposed to be working tonight and it's very unlikely that he skipped because he wasn't at the Dream Team's HQ when Wilbur called him (that's what his son claims anyway).

"I didn't see him anywhere", Wilbur's face grows skeptical and just a bit disappointed.

You see, the two of them are very good friends. They met in their second year of high school and chased each other into college and later they got into hero school together. They shared the same classes, laughed with one another during break time, they created chaos on the streets together and they bonded over making extra work for Phil because they were trying to fight the bad guys -that last one was before they received their hero licenses. Now they fight bad guys without bringing extra work to Phil's office.

Despite being in different teams and working in separate buildings and streets, the two have kept close. The whole calling-at-3-am trope.

"They were in the sky, so he probably didn't follow", Phil says when he spots a small worry wrinkle on his son's forehead. Wil calms just a bit.

"Yeah, you're probably right", he says, nodding as if to reassure himself.

Phil has his doubts as well. He did not spot George anywhere in the streets and if the whole team was after The Watcher, he'd not want to miss out on taking the dude out. He has this foreboding feeling resting in his gut, that something might've gone wrong.

Like a deus ex machina, Technoblade appears outside of the kitchen, looking disheveled and his face is worried . Techno never lets his worry show unless it is something bad . Really bad. Like, beyond "England losing to Scotland" kind of bad.

"Wilbur, you better sit down for this- Oh, good, you're already sitting-"

"...Techno?"

"The Watcher took a chunk out of George"

Shit.

*

"-lease, welcome top-hero Dream on the stage! A round of applause everyone!", said the reporter of a random podcast two days later. The hidden audience applauded, though Tommy doubts how real said 'audience' is.

"Are they at the zodiac part yet?", Tubbo asks as he joins him and Ranboo at the coffee table in front of the TV. He has his Maths notebook in hand as well as a pencil and zombie rubber.

"Nope", Ranboo is quick to answer, flipping a page of his text book. Tommy mimics him as Tubbo sets down his stuff and sits by them on the floor. "They have Dream as a guest, though"

"Aw, man! I was looking forward to it this time!"

You might be wondering… why are the three of them doing Maths? At this time of day? When they could be out playing with squirrels at the park? "They decided to be mature for once in their lives", could be a possible answer and it's not that different from the original reason.

Cleo is coming over for tea with Stress. That means that Cleo, their personal teacher of all things scientific (Maths, science, biology) will come upstairs for a minute to check their work. If they haven't finished by then, they're going to get their foreheads flicked; it definitely isn't the worst punishment the woman could've come up with but that does not make it a pleasant experience! Do you know how much shame and embarrassment that one flick brings them?

So, here they are, at the coffee table of Grian's apartment, biscuits and snacks on a big plate in the middle, studying with the TV as white noise. Or, it used to be white noise but having a top-tier hero on a show usually makes a kid's head snap to the screen.

They aren't alone, though. Tommy raises his head and spots their avian host washing the dishes and Mumbo (his new roommate or whatever) is on the couch typing away on his portable computer.

This new… addition to the household has put the three of them off; especially Tommy. For so long, they've only had Grian and Stress rushing after them and parenting them and maybe Impulse, Gem or Pearl (in rare cases even Fundy) would help out. Now, there is some ugly guy with an ugly ass mustache and tie who has pushed the "imprint button" on Tommy… He isn't sure if he likes this emotional development. He just wants to punch the guy in the face and shout curses at him because of what Tubbo has defined as "denial"- whatever that means.

"I think they're talking about the fight two days ago", Tubbo absent-mindedly notes, his full attention stuck to the television rather than his homework. Tommy never thought he'd see the day that the News would be more interesting than Algebra.

Scratch that, anything is more interesting than Algebra. Science is way better (and by that, he means the trivial scientific stories Cleo tells them from time to time)

"I thought the three of you were grounded two days ago"

The three of them startle at the voice of Mumbo, who simply takes a sip of his coffee, eyes not diverting from the screen of his laptop. Just like one of those businessmen assholes on TV. Tommy's tail bristles and his ears twitch in agitation. Who is this guy who thinks that he can just point out the-

"They were but you know how teens can be", Grian unhelpfully chimes in. The sound of running water stops and the man comes to the living room with a towel in his hands. "They don't listen to anyone"

Tommy decides to direct anger and frustration his way.

"Snitches get stitches biii- bean bag! Ha, ha!"

Only to immediately reconsider his life choices.

God, he really hates this "no swearing" rule in Grian's apartment, which they have to follow inside and outside the apartment. As long as they aren't within hearing distance, they can swear. The "dad glare" (as the three of them have dubbed it) is the punishment for vile language, or maybe a warning, they have yet to narrow it down. I mean, Grian is giving Tommy the "dad glare" right now so, who knows.

"Pffffffft, haha! Nice save, Tommy!", and now Tommy wants to stab Tubbo dearest with his pencil.

So he does… The slippery bastard matrix dodges . Darn.

Ranboo is simply ignoring the both of them, just doing his homework like the goody two-shoes that he is. Tommy decides that the taller's serenity is worth destroying and apparently, so does Tubbo who side-tackles him and proceeds to annoy the everliving fuck out of him.

Tommy nods in approval of the mini-chaos that he helped create. Serves him right.

"-bout The Watcher. The encounter between the Dream Team and the villain, especially 404's critical injury, has shocked the country. Can you tell us what exactly happened?", the reporter asked on the show, successfully capturing Tommy's loyal attention. Halfway through the question, Grian grabbed the remote to raise the volume.

"Hey, we're trying to study here!", Tubbo protests, even though he has his head on Ranboo's lap (how did they end up like that?) instead of the numerous pages of mathematical equations. Mumbo raises a confused brow and leans awkwardly to the side to observe their situation. That's what he gets for being taller than Tommy: awkwardness. Humpf.

"You really aren't studying though…"

Tubbo opens his mouth and so does Tommy as the supportive friend that he is but before either of them can start screaming at the mustached man, Grian shushes them.

"-is an incredibly powerful and dangerous individual and he proved that fact two nights ago by almost killing 404. Thankfully, my teammate is alive and steadily recovering-" Dream responded to the question. He sounded incredibly solemn and… apologetic? One can hardly tell with that stupid smiley-face mask on his face.

"Wait, he killed 404?", Ranboo pipes up, slim tail flicking in interest. Apparently, he only caught the interesting part. Tommy hears the distinct sound of feathers puffing up, what the three of them have learnt is a hint to Grian's excitement or agitation. Tommy can't tell which one it is.

"He said he's alive and recovering, so he didn't", Mumbo supplies, throwing a weird look at Grian for whatever reason. The enderborn nods and turns his attention to the TV.

"How did that happen exactly?", the reporter asked, digging her nose in the scoop, trying to stir a pot of drama and conspiracy theories that don't need to exist. "My sources say that you abandoned 404 in the midst of battle, is that true?"

"Wow, she's really trying to throw dirt on him", Tommy notes. Grian silently hums, muttering something about how the media works that way.

"Well, your sources seem to have misinformed you. Sapnap and I did not abandon 404, that would be sacrilege in our line of work, something worth going to prison for. We made sure to heal him enough so he wouldn't bleed out until the ambulance would arrive to take him to the hospital", Dream calmly explained. 

Tommy wonders how the hero can just take accusations to the face like that and not act upon them. If it were him, he would've stolen everyone's lunch boxes and bitten more than half of the show's crew members. Oh, and he would've committed a lot of arson by burning down the building. Quite the heroic act. It's probably one of the many reasons that he is stuck in the world of vigilantism. 

Dream continued.

"Catching The Watcher is our top priority so it's only natural that we went after him. We couldn't let him get away even if one of us was down"

Tommy swears he saw a hint of a smirk on the reporter's face.

"He did get away, however, did he not?" -Tommy can practically see the devil horns that sprout on her head.

Of course the villain got away -the three of them knew that much. At least, he got away from the Dream Team, who knows how The Crowfather dealt with the dude?

Tommy catches a hint of a grin on Grian's face. He pays it no mind; it's not the first time Grian has secretly grinned at the devastation of the hero society and the misery of heroes. The three of them have concluded that he just wants to see the world burn and that is probably why he is still their guardian/caretaker, whatever the right word is.

"He dipped into an alley and we lost him. It's one of the rare times that he retreats without killing or maiming a hero-"

"Wait, The Watcher does what now?!", Ranboo and Tubbo both shriek. Tommy is left aghast too- since when does The Watcher maim heroes? They knew about the killing bit but maiming?

The TV goes black and the three of them shout in protest as Grian waves the remote over their heads. The smug bastard.

"Finish your homework, Cleo will be here soon"

Another round of protests and Tommy really wants to shout at the top of his lungs. Or yell, whichever the right word is. So… he does. Tubbo has got his back too, following suit with the sound of absolute pain and misery that Maths brings. Tommy is pretty sure that he heard a vwoop of a scared and concerned Ranboob but at this point in time, he couldn't care less.

They only seem to have disturbed Mumbo, though, since Grian is too used to this to actually care.

"Grian, I'll run you over with your car!", Tommy yells so the whole building and the neighboring towns can hear just to spite the avian. It successfully scares Mumbo shitless- yeeeah, serves him right!

However, Grian, the victim in question , simply laughs at their sound pollution. The bastard! How could he?!

"I don't own a car, Tommy", he tells him with a victorious chuckle, wiggling his wings. Right, the dude can just fly everywhere and anywhere and not have to worry about car traffic and traffic lights and the law .

"But I do!", all heads turn to Mimbo and Tommy immediately notes the horrified expression that overtakes Grian's smug face.

This son of a bitch; this mustached, suit-wearing nerd. To think Tommy thought so bad of him! How could he ever commit such a sacrilegious, sinful act? He likes this madlad; such a crazy man with such a poggers and glorious mustache!

Take that, Grian!

"Mumbo, so help me, I will throw you out if you give them your car keys-"

So hardcore, so crazy, so mad and rad! So fucking poggers and not at all cringe or sadge! Oh, God, is he giving Grian a challenging look? He is giving Grian a challenging look and he is winning - no one has ever challenged Grian to a stare down and won! Like, ever! This is- this is unreal!

"I'll blow up your workplace, mate, you wouldn't want that, would you?"

Beside him, Tubbo takes in a sharp breath like Mumbo has just now pressed the "imprint button" on him, something akin to gasping and choking on a banana peel at the same time. He yeets himself on the man, tackling him and throwing them both off the couch, wings buzzing wildly behind him. The man goes down with an "oof" in a mess of long, lanky limbs.

"Oh my God, you have bombs?!", the short brunet all but shouts as he grabs Mumbo by the lapels of his suit- "And you didn't tell me?!"-and shakes him around like a maraca (ha, karma). No one pays attention to Mumbo's pained groans each time Tubbo accidentally lets his head hit the floor (one could question the genuinity of the word "accidentally").

Tommy runs at him as well. A poggers maniac and a bomb guy too? No way is he missing out! And Ranboo -who had apparently escaped to the kitchen- is lured into the mess of people on the floor by his own curiosity.

All three of them miss the smug yet fond look Grian gives them as Tubbo bombards Mumbo with questions about bombs and nuclear weapons. They also miss the fact that they have subconsciously accepted Mumbo because he threatened Grian with blowing up a building .

Honestly, maybe it's for the better if they ignore that last detail.

An hour later, Cleo arrives in all her zombie glory, looking as hip as ever with the most vibrant of colors contrasting her pale, rotting skin. She has a smile on her face, which is quick to fall into a frown when she learns that none of her students finished their homework.

*

Okay, so. First lesson of the night: you only find what you're looking for when you aren't looking for it. Tommy will make sure to scribble that quote on his hand once he gets ahold of a pen.

The Watcher is staring at them. All three of them. Okay, he is like ten buildings away, perched on a particularly tall TV antenna like some supreme comic book villain -and, listen, this shouldn't be possible but he is staring right at them ! Looking in their general direction, most specifically the roof they're on; whatever! Tommy can still feel eyes on him! And on any other day, he'd have impulsively thrown himself at the avian dude and mauled him to death with his raccoon paws and teeth buuuut… he is very unprepared for his big, spectacular and very much incredible and awe-inspiring fight with the greatest villain in existence tonight.

Note: the guy looks more prepared than the three of them combined. Maybe… just maybe , it would be a bad idea. Or it's just an idea for another day, he hasn't decided yet. Probably the latter.

"What is he doing up there?", Tubbo asks like this is just a normal phenomenon and he adjusts his goggles like that is going to allow him to actually see farther. Ranboo, God bless his quick thinking, pulls the boy back by the collar and drags him behind the big grill he and Tommy are hiding behind.

"Stay down, Tubbee!", the fearsome and awkwardly tall Endwalker scolds, "He'll see us!"

Tubbo simply pouts in protest. "But he's already seen us!"

Tommy thinks his friend has scrapped whatever plans he had the whole day in favor of becoming suicidal. Because at their stage of prep, they may as well be suicide bombers if they let The Watcher see them; so much as catch a glimpse of them. If he hasn't seen them already. What if Tubbo is right?

"If he saw us, he'd be on us already!", Tommy attempts to reason. "Don't you remember when Purpled's brother went after him?"

Purpled is a vigilante they met in the streets. About their age, light gray hair, some sort of alien-hybrid if they understood his explanation correctly, with an obsession for the color purple. I know, I know, super original name, innit? Now, his brother is a hero ranging somewhere in the top ten for stealthiness. A somewhat crippled hero but a hero nonetheless. I mean, the guy just can't use his left arm as efficiently as before.

He goes by the name "Valorant" but Purpled entrusted them with his real name, Punz. Tommy swears alien names are so much cooler than human ones. Human names suck unless they're ancient with actual meaning in them. Like Alexander, the man who chases away the enemy, the brave man, blah blah blah. And Punz is quite the stupid person, which is evident by the conscious choice of going after The Watcher alone… and then the roles were reversed in the chase, leading to Valorant getting his left arm almost torn off his body.

Honestly, that's a lucky madman right there because a) it wasn't his strong arm and b) he actually got to keep his arm.

"Hey, where was that excuse when you were trying to go after him?", Ranboo demands with a raised eyebrow, like that time Stress demanded to know where they were at 1am when they weren't answering the door. Freaking Pearl had snitched on them.

Neither of them notice Tubbo moving out of their makeshift hiding spot.

"Um, guys…"

And on top of that, they ignore him, preferring to initiate a heated, loud argument to paying attention to much more pressing matters.

"I was ready to cut his head off before! Both of 'em!"

"No, you were ready to kill us all!"

"Guys!", Tubbo shouts and both of their heads snap to him with two very loud and obnoxious "What?!"s.

He doesn't take the time to shush them, merely beckoning them urgently to the edge of the grill.

"Is it just me or is he closer than before?"

The Watcher is about five buildings away from them now, still perched on the tallest antenna on the building he's at. Fuck, fuck, fuck, they are fucking screwed! He saw them! Or heard them. Quite frankly, Tommy can admit that their little argument was pretty loud. It's a surprise that no one has come on the roof to check out what all this noise is about.

This time, there is no Crowfather to distract the villain with, though, so this is quite the situation. There are no other heroes in the area either- Oh. Did he just- did he just wave at them. As in, raise his hand and actually wave? Tommy is pretty sure he didn't sniff any white dust on their little patrol.

"Did he just wave at us or was it a figment of my imagination?"

Ah, so Tommy wasn't the only one who imagined- I mean, saw the small, almost shy and barely noticeable hand gesture. Maybe the big bad wolf just wants to make friends? Doesn't he have other villains to turn to, though? Actually- who knows? Villains are all weirdos in their own right and wrong.

"Sooo, what do we do now?", Tubbo whispers to the two of them.

"We leave?", Ranboo asks more than states. It's more of a confused statement. Like, it's the obvious and most plausible thing to do in a situation such as this one but he's still unsure of it.

"You leave with me, yeah"

Uh-oh. Oh no. No, no, no - no! Just no!

First, it was The Crowfather… and now The Blade?! Their luck is just perfect, always at their side, for fuck's sake. How did he even get on the rooftop without them noticing? Or were they so stuck to the villain just a few buildings away that they just didn't notice the hero sneak up on them. Fuck.

"Honestly, I was not expecting to bump into the three of you but I may as well take you to the adults now that I have", The Blade, voice as monotonous as ever, tells them. Is this what a hero monologue really sounds like? 'Cause none of them are impressed-

Looking back at his team and best friends in the whole wide world, Tommy quickly scraps the thought. Sigh, he should've guessed. Ranboo is too much of a simp to not be impressed and completely in awe. Okay, before you bombard him with accusations, Tommy will admit that he's not one to talk when he almost had them all arrested the other night but there is just this tiny, very small detail that you might've missed.

That was The Crowgather that night. The very generous and kind Crowfather who would never think of harming teenagers in hero costumes. This is the very dangerous and murderous Blade, who doesn't care how old his enemy is. And whatever Ranboo told the hero to not kill him back home clearly does not apply to Endwalker ! 

At least, they had survival chances with the avian hero.

"We really should be bouncing away, RaccoonInnit", Tubbo hisses at him. The Blade snorts. Mockingly. Gasp!

"I can see where you got the "raccoon" part from", he comments all mirthfully. "Soon, you'll just be "Innit" "

Did he… did he just threaten his raccoon heritage?

"Eat shit, you big bastard with an unimpressive and totally not foreboding demeanor!", Tommy shouts.

The hero does not look impressed.

"End, snap out of it! We've got to leave!", Tubbo urgently nudges (more like jabs his elbow in the other's ribs) the enderborn.

Ranboo actually snaps out of it (like he had a choice, and we're ignoring the pained "oof").

"Yup, yup, come here- woah!"

He barely dodges the trident that comes hurling his way. It knocks over the grill, splitting it literally in two and spilling all the coals and embers in it. Their cover has been literally blown. Tommy gulps. Maaaaybe he shouldn't have tried to offend freaking Goliath . He isn't some random David!

Ranboo falls flat on his ass from trying to dodge the trident so hard. Well, that's Tommy's escape route blocked. Tubbo can just fly out of here.

Honestly, though, that's fair. Normally, they only have to dodge knives and punches from asshats who are high off their minds or fake-ass gangsters with BB guns, not whole fucking tridents! Who even owns a trident in this day and age? And isn't it used for fishing anyways? Like, out in the sea and not in the middle of a city??

"You're the teleporter", The Blade states the obvious as he nods his chin to Ranboo.

The weapon reels itself back to the hero's waiting hand. No strings attached, no visual tricks… even if there were strings, they wouldn’t be able to support the weight of a gilded -holy shit, it actually has gold on it - trident.

But.

What. The. Fuck.

How- How did that just happen? Tommy has seen some pretty disturbing things in the streets but nothing like this! Cleo has never mentioned anything like this in Physics and Science. When did objects evolve to have a mind of their own?

The Blade merely grins all smug at their shocked expressions. If only Tommy knew who the guy under the boar skull mask was, he'd be egging and TP-ing his house right now.

"Please, spare us!", Tubbo screeches as the hero lunges his trident at them again. Like he's about to be murdered. Murdered, murder, murderer… oh, fuck.

Tommy throws a quick glance over his shoulder. They got too frantic over the hero that they forgot that The Watcher is just there - oh, fuck, why are his wings spread like that? Are they all about to get slaughtered?

"Blade, The Watch-" but the hero couldn't care less about whatever Tommy is trying to tell him, apparently. Nope, violence is much better than talking; the thing is that Tommy doesn't know how to tell the hero with his mere, lanky muscles that a very dangerous villain is about to punt their asses to the moon.

For as strong as the hero is, he does not have Tommy's supreme raccoon night vision to see the villain. Neither does he have Tubbo's supreme hearing nor Ranboo's eyes that turn night into day.

Tubbo screeches at the top of his lungs as the forks of the trident catch his shirt and he is thrown to the ground on his back. Tommy observes for a second, because surely the trident can't have dug into the concrete . He is proven completely wrong as his friend struggles to tug the weapon off him.

"One down, two more to go", The Blade muses ominously. 

"Oh, shit, fuck, dick… ", Tommy begins a colorful chant of words as he runs to the scared Tubbee to try and get the trident off him. Out of the corner of his eye, he catches Ranboo teleporting between them and the hero to act as a meat shield. The madlad, that's why Tommy is friends with that crazy, selfless boy.

He tugs on the shaft of the trident as hard as he can with his scrawny arms. The thing doesn't budge; doesn't so much as sway or lean . This… this is super weird . Is this some remake of Thor's hammer? It's a head-scratcher, that's for sure and the whooshing of a blade -a sword, fuck- and the continuous vwooping of Ranboo's teleportations are not at all helping his stress levels.

Oh, and the looming threat of The Watcher, who -he spares a look at the villain- is flying towards them is not really- wait. Flying towards them?!

"Endwalker! Incoming!", he hears a frantic gurgle somewhere in the-less-than-impressive fight scene and one last vwoop before the loud flap of giant, obsidian wings enters his ears. He almost lost his red bandana to the air draft that accompanied the villain.

"Oh my fucking God!", Tubbo yells loudly, like that will make The Watcher drop dead on the spot. Which it doesn't but worth the shot.

"Tubbee, I am sorry for the shirt!"

"Who fucking cares for-", Tommy tugs the fabric against the sharp side of the forks, successfully freeing his dear chaotic friend but at the cost of… "-my shirt!"

He hauls him to his feet by the arm only with a little struggle. Now, where in the fuck is Ranboo - oh, here he is- and he drags them towards the edge of the rooftop.

"Sorry, guys, I gotta recharge", he tells them.

Tommy openly curses everything around them including the fallen grill.

So… There is a limit to how often dear, beloved Ranboo can use his vwoop- iness. When he is well-rested, fresh out of bed, his power is pretty much limitless. Tubbo has many times compared him to The Flash and Quicksilver, only excluding the running and eating kilos of tacos parts. However, if he uses it too many times continuously, he needs a snack break and there's a sort of recharge timer that goes higher the more he uses it from that point on. It's probably a couple minutes high right now.

"How long?", Tubbo asks, understandably panicked.

"Uh, I'd say about ten-"

Ten minutes. Alright, okay. They have to stay alive for a little over nine minutes, no biggie. They can probably manage.

Tommy looks towards the hero and villain fight that's broken out behind them. Only, it's less of a fight and more so a wrestling match. The Watcher is perched on The Blade's shoulders with the hero's head in a tight headlock, wings flapping wildly to keep the villain from falling off. 

Holy fuck - The Blade has been put in a headlock- that has never happened before! And he is actually struggling . This is a rare sight but then again, he did just get jumped by the one villain that can take him.

"Come on, Blade!", Ranboo yells, throwing his fists in the air. He's seemingly forgotten that said hero almost stabbed him with a trident and later almost cut him open with a sword. What a loyal simp.

Tommy almost shouts at him for it but loses his words when The Blade suddenly powers up. Like, literally , he gives a war cry and full-on slams The Watcher on the ground like he has turned into a final boss of a video game that has various stages. It makes the three of them gasp and take a step back. The hero and villain seem stunned as well; petrified in place, both presumably taken aback by the fact that The Blade actually managed to throw The Watcher off him so… easily . Huh. Well, that just happened.

The Blade is the first one to snap out of it, though, and The Watcher is just a second too late to dodge his sword. Tubbo winces as the blade pierces through the guy's wing and pins it down- and his wings aren't even feathered, they're insect ones! Tommy guesses it's a feeling similar to that of watching a fellow man get kicked in the balls.

"Wow, that was easier than I thought", the hero, of course, boasts as he stares down the guy. Said guy brings up his free wing to hit him upside the head with- The Blade pins it with his trident before he can. "You stay down, filthy scum. You're not as much of a pain without your wings, are you?"

That was… surprisingly easy and cool. Are they supposed to cheer him now? He just… pinned The Watcher ; the most dangerous, most cunning supervillain with a 75% kill rate. Said villain looks stunned to the point where he isn't even thrashing around to try and free himself. Well, maybe he saw that it's useless to struggle against the gilded trident? Who knows.

"That- that just happened", Ranboo matters, "Did that really happen? Did he just pin The Watcher or am I like, dreaming?", honestly, this scenario is pretty surreal. "Are you guys real-"

"Endwalker, this really isn’t the time for an existential crisis, bossman!", Tubbo whisper-yells at him. Ranboo simply blinks.

"Oh, right"

"Now, you three will come with me"

Tommy's head snaps to the pink-haired man. Why is he closer than before? Actually, why is he leaving The Watcher unsupervised? Is he stupid or arrogant and bigheaded? You don't catch a big -no, the biggest - fish in the sea and just leave it hanging on the hook!

"Listen, bigman, big T, you should really not concern yourself with us three poor, frail vigilantes-", Tommy attempts to reason to no avail because adults don't like listening to children. Fuck, fuckity, fuck-fuck, dick, balls -big ones- and everything in-between . 

"Your friend seems to be on a time limit too, a couple of minutes, am I right? We'll be at the police station in two", the hero says, states , like it's a well-known fact. Needless to say, this fact is unpleasant news to them.

"How did he figure it out?", Ranboo stage whispers to them, because this is the ultimate time for jokes, Ranboob!

"It's called observin'. You should try it out sometime" -apparently, The Blade wasn't blessed with good eyesight because he was blessed with great hearing.

Behind the hero, Tommy spots movement. He spares a glance -it was supposed to be a quick glance- and his breath hitches in his throat as he locks eyes with The Watcher's vibrant, hazy, violet orbs. The villain's hood has fallen off his head, leaving only the purple scarf to cover the rest of his face, revealing dirty blond strands.

Tommy's eyes widened momentarily. Black, giant wings, themed attire, blond hair… is he The Crowfather's evil twin or something?

However, before he can analyze further, the hero takes a step towards the three of them. All menacingly and shit and Tommy just wants to leave… but he can't really do that, can he? One, he has two teammates and Tubbo can't carry them to safety (they're too heavy for his poor bee wings) and Ranboo is still on recharge mode and two- oh, wait, that last one was number two.

Naturally scared, the lot of 'em take a step back… Tommy didn't expect the roof to eject him because he stepped back. You see, they had failed to recognize the stub that was the rooftop's railing-wall thing. And he tripped. Backwards. Very much into the void that is the street below.

He hears his friends shout and yell, for once, he feels sort of weightless. He sees his pals looking over the rooftop and Ranboo holding Tubbo back from jumping after him. That's a good call; they'd both splat on the ground if Tubbo were to try and catch him. The Blade also looks over the edge with a face close to… surprise? Misery? No, no… fear? The Great Blade… showing fear?

Then he actually realizes his situation… he is very much falling. Free falling . Towards the ground that is 15 meters below.

Tommy, of course, screams. Honestly, what else is there to do in this sort of situation? He is about to die, about to crack his head open and break all of his bones simply because he didn't take in his surroundings well enough. And he is not ready to die! He has so many more people to annoy, dreams of education and life success! He has friends and family , he can't just die!

…but he can't do anything about it other than scream and cry in his free fall…

This is it , he thinks, but fuck , he can't accept this!

The whooshing of feathers sounds above him and he opens his eyes just a crack (when did he close them?) to see arms reach out to him. He closes his eyes tight again and suddenly the direction of his fall changes; he hears frantic flapping, pained granting. Black wings flap in his ears and cloth feels under his fingertips.

…When did The Crowfather get here?

His poor soul is relieved to say the least… until he actually opens his eyes. And he screams yet again because this isn't The Crowfather but The Watcher . Oh, fuck , from one bad thing to the other and he can't even wrench himself free from the guy because they're too high up! It's either drop to his death or wait for his death. At least, he can ask the guy to make the once-in-a-lifetime experience painless.

Unless the guy drops him… he grips onto the villain's clothes even tighter. If he is going to be dropped, he may as well leave the dude naked!

The villain doesn't pay him any mind, though, continuing to flap his wings and fly. His injured wings, which were stabbed by the hero back on the building. Wait a second… The Blade is still on that roof with his friends! Oh, Christ, they're fucked! It sure as hell hasn't been ten minutes!

He doesn't have the time to ask the villain to return, as he is dropped on the roof of the local supermarket and The Watcher lands clumsily next to him.

Tommy falls on his butt, tries to regain his breath and get as much oxygen as he can back into his system. His heart is beating so hard, it might just burst out of his chest and live life without him. He hears a pained grunt and looks up to the villain, whose wings have fallen limp on the concrete behind him. How did he even get loose? Did The Blade recall his weapons or did he… nope, this guy mustn't be that crazy!

However, there is blood in the dark fluff and in between the feathers. Tommy does not remember another time that the hero and the villain spilled blood in their little wrestling match other than when the hero stabbed his wings… and -Tommy squinted to focus on the blood- there is bone sticking out of the flesh. Did he seriously tear himself free? Just to what? Escape and save a free falling raccoon on the way?

"Why- why did you do that?", he asks. Unafraid because the guy saved him from certain death. Plus, if he wanted Tommy dead, Tommy would probably be dead.

The Watcher fixes his hood, covering his head and only leaving a few blond strands out. He looks at him with those ridiculously vibrant eyes of his and Tommy has to gulp. The dude is giving him the raised eyebrow look; as in isn't it obvious? look.

"Did you want to splatter on the ground?"

And there it is: the obvious answer.

"I mean- no, I didn't but-"

"But?"

But if Tommy has learnt anything from Grian, it's that an avian's wings are incredibly important to them. They are their family heritage, their pride and joy, a useful tool to get around and this guy… he's an avian too (duh) and- he points to his wings that are still a mess of feathers on the floor.

"...Your wings"

The Watcher looks at his wings. Tommy barely catches the little twitch of his eyes when the dude takes in their state.

"They'll heal", and he says it with this sad, pitiful tone. Tommy only feels a tiny bit of pity. He is more so surprised that out of every hero, he, a vigilante , is the first one to see The Watcher injured . He is pretty sure that The Watcher has never been injured before.

A moment of silence passes. Tommy's attention turns to his team of friends. He looks back and forth between the building they are on now and the direction of the one he was on before. The villain simply tilts his head like a curious, pesky bird.

"What about my frie-"

"A friend of mine is already there, don't worry"

Wait, he has friends?

"You have friends?"

So, what was he trying to do with them? Just a wave, nothing more to it? Just "hi, I'm here, beware", like there is supposed to be a BEWARE DOG sign on his forehead?

"Wha!", The Watcher squawks . Squawks. Tommy wants to laugh. "Of course, I do!"

"That's a tad hard to believe, mister big Watcher"

The villain simply sighs, probably annoyed -Tommy has that effect on people sometimes which is very pleasing and amusing to himself.

"Where do you live?"

Now it is Tommy's turn to squawk. Well, not squawk squawk because he is a raccoon, not a bird -it's more of a hiss- but you get what I mean. Alright, boys, defenses up.

"Like I'm going to tell you that!", Tommy says. "Did I ask you for the address of your totally secret villain lair? I think not!"

The dude's eyes widened. He looks shocked, like a kicked puppy. Wow , Tommy thinks because what did he expect? Who in their right mind tells a villain their address? Tommy was right in thinking that this guy is cray-cray.

Right as he is about to throw another sparky remark at The Watcher, his stomach growls. He looks down and Jesus fucking Christ , he ate like four hours ago! Why is his stomach suddenly hurting this much?

The villain appears very intrigued.

"Are you hungry?"

"Fuck off!"

A moment of silence. Another, rather loud stomach growl. Gee, thanks stomach for embarrassing me in front of the most infamous villain ever!

"Would you like some McDonald's? I can have Pearl bring your friends too. Food is on me"

"Pearl?"

"My friend"

That… doesn't sound like a bad idea. Regardless of how bad the scenario of going to the local McDonald's, accompanied by The Watcher and eating the food he pays for sounds like. But it is very enticing. Like a stranger telling the little kids to go inside the van for some candy.

But the food will be cooked by staff that couldn't be arsed if someone pissed on your food. It technically wouldn't be The Watcher’s fault if he got food poisoning from that… 

…What sort of thinking process is that? It makes no sense.

"...Just don't kill me"

He has the right to remain a bit hesitant. Though, someone can hardly be hesitant when they are grabbed by the arm and flown off the roof of a 10 meter tall building.

Chapter Text

Tubbo really doesn't know what to think nor how to feel about the situation. First, his shirt is ripped because of The Blade's trident. If Stress buys the excuse he has to come up with, it'll all be okay; his shirt will be fixed and his life will continue to be… Well, to be . Problem is… how do you explain three unrelated rips to a furious Stress without matching scratches underneath? Oh, I ran into a very sharp tree! Because that's believable. It conveniently only caught my shirt, I swear! Oh, and it only gets worse. Ugh.

Second, the moment he wants to give The Blade the cold shoulder for instantaneously making his life harder, the guy brings down The Watcher with a power slam. One handed. With a cool war cry. Just like in those cool wrestling matches on TV. 

How is he supposed to hate the guy when he can do that? Who does he even cheer on at that point?

That question was answered shortly, thankfully, since the hero very much left The Watcher unattended when everyone knows very well that this particular villain probably has a card up his sleeve even when he is sitting on the toilet bowl for a #2. He isn't infamous for nothing, is he? And on top of that, Tubbo can hate The Blade for scaring them all and being the cause of Tommy's literal fall.

Honestly, the moment he saw his friend fall off the roof and heard the ripping sound of flesh and the cracking of bone you'd hear in the butcher's has left him mentally scarred. In some way. He is pretty sure he'll be thinking about it for a long time. You don't just witness your friend fall to his death and an avian cut open his own wings just to escape and actually be able to fly after that. Especially with the extra cargo that was Tommy.

(As light as his best friend is, Tubbo has personal experience of how bothersome and distracting he can be)

And on top of that, he saved Tommy from his inevitable demise rather than let him splat on the street. A villain saving a civilian is unheard of but if it allows Tommy to live, then it's fine by Tubbo.

(He only hopes that the guy doesn't drop him mid-flight as the two disappear behind a building)

Now, the problem of Tommy falling is thankfully solved, though Tubbo will hold a grudge towards Ranboo for a day or two- yes, despite the fact that he could’ve pretty much died as well had The Watcher decided to stick around the hero a second longer. Trying to save people even with the threat of death is what they are supposed to do! (When they aren't trying to blow up and steal shit). Plus, they have to take on The Blade now. In a 2v1. Gulp .

Fighting this particular hero is pretty much suicide but they have no choice since Ranboo needs another minute or two to use his power and Tubbo is not leaving his friend's side for shit . What kind of friend would he be if he just left him all alone with his very deadly idol? Who is more likely to kill Endwalker because the newly-acquired Ranboo card won't work?

"Well, that was pretty anticlimactic", he carelessly comments. The devastated hero beside the two of them almost seems to sulk as he slowly realizes the many mistakes he made in just under a few seconds .

Ranboo nudges him in the side, as if he's trying to tell him "no, what are you doing?! You'll anger him!" , blah blah, blah, shut up Ranboo! The guy has got to hear it!

"It was a very poorly executed plan-"

"Tubbee!" , Ranboo warns. The Blade side eyes him- that's his best guess with the stupid hog mask on the man's stupid face. Maybe he should listen to his friend. Hm, okay, he'll stop trying to start up drama.

"How much time?.."

"Any second no-"

"Oh, no, you don't"

Before Ranboo can finish his sentence, Tubbo is yanked back by a firm hand. He screeches and his wings buzz like crazy, trying to escape the pink-haired man's steel grip. Same goes for Ranboo, whom the hero grabs by the collar of his shirt and tags him away from Tubbo. Fuck, they've been compromised! Apprehended! Whatever the right word is!

"Let go, man, or I'll sting you!", Tubbo shouts at the hero. His fingernails sharpen just enough to pierce skin with ease; they become what he calls "stingers". Said stingers can paralyze a normal human within a matter of seconds but at the same time, they can also kill your average elephant.  Probably. They haven't found an elephant to test that theory on yet. (They only know what Cleo has told them).

They don't die because of some allergy, though, no, no -even if that's a very likely scenario. His venom is just like a baby cobra's: he doesn't know how it works, what it is made of nor can he control how much he injects into his victims so most of them just spasm on the floor. May as well do the same to the hero holding them hostage-

The Blade seems to notice this, however and he somehow maneuvers him to have both of his wrists in one hand. Maybe he shouldn't have warned him. Yeah, that was a noob move. Tubbo instinctively thrashes whilst Ranboo is… Well, he's doing Ranboo things. Fanboying silently over being this close to his idol and endangering both Tubbo and himself. Y'know, the usual.

It's not like he can teleport and save the day, anyway. The timer will go up no matter where he teleports to and Tubbo can't be arsed waiting another twenty minutes to escape this rooftop. If the hero doesn't get bored and takes him to the police before then. Or kills him before then. Honestly, you can never be too sure with heroes. If only he knew where this guy lived, he would've blown up his house a loooong time ago. God, they didn't prepare well enough for tonight.

"The less you struggle, the easier it will be for all of us", the hero urges. Yeah, like he'll listen to this walking, talking flesh bag of big, girthy muscles.

"I'll struggle all I want! Let go!"

Before Ranboo can start protesting as well, a fireball flies their way. A ball of literal fire ; not some ignited tinder. The Blade is alert enough to dodge it, quickly stepping to the side and dragging the two of them along like ragdolls.

Tubbo yells in surprise when the fireball hits the roof with a loud crackle and erupts into a fire show, trapping them inside a ring of fire. It turns the concrete black. He yells again, this time joined by Ranboo who is flinching left and right trying to not be burnt. That's when he realizes that the hero is holding his friend off the ground. Oh God, please don't rip his shirt- that'll be another nightmare to explain to Stress and Grian.

"What the Hell, man!", he screams as the hero drags him about, trying to not get scorched himself. The light sound of someone landing gracefully on the rooftop barely makes it to Tubbo’s ears over the volume of their combined screaming.

"I am super sorry about that, guys! Are the two of you alright?", a strange, digital sort of voice with a vaguely familiar accent asks. The Blade turns to see who the crazy person is and Tubbo can't exactly comprehend what he sees himself. Like, they just got a visit from a villain, why is there another one? Is there a nest nearby and they spring up from there?

That is the villain Pearlescent Moon, who robbed the local bank and got away with it a few days ago. The same villain who The Watcher saved from the Dream Team with probably the strongest connections in the underground. And that giant demon perched on the edge beside her is BBH… A hero. He looks like… a big kitten with horns in all honesty, sitting on his hunches with a weird aura about him. Huh. Tubbo was not expecting to ever see a hero act like that. The villain even scratches him under the chin and he purrs. Purrs. What.

Tubbo and Ranboo have the absolute right to gawk and judge. What in the fuck is going on here? This is their first time witnessing a villain-hero team-up.

The Blade takes a deep breath which easily hitches in his throat. Something seems awfully off about the demon. He seems super out of character, especially when he is acting like a cat … or a dog -it's pretty hard to tell. I mean, he looks like he's about to roll over for a belly rub. His attire is slightly different from what Tubbo remembers as well. If he remembers correctly, because the only time he's seen the hero, it's been on the TV screen of a small, traditional Cafe at the side of the street he and Tommy work at.

The guy used to wear a red trimmed hoodie and pants and some straps around his upper body to carry extra weapons, like the staff he has strapped on his back right now. Now the trims are white like his glowing, completely white eyes, contrasting perfectly against the black fabric of his clothes and the darkness that is his body beneath. And his eyes seem hazy - way too hazy, even for their glowing nature. Like he's been tampered with. How in Hell can a demon be tampered with? (Ha, pun).

"What…", Ranboo breathes out. Yeah, Tubbo can agree. This is weiiird. Absolute bonkers.

"BBH, what are you doing with her?" , the hero asks calmly. The dangerous kind of "calmly". The demon doesn't pay him any mind, though, happy to just sit there on the ledge, wag his long, graceful spade tail and observe like a drunkard, unlike the villain.

"That's no way to greet an old lady, young man", Pearlescent Moon says, feigning offense, though Tubbo notes that up close, she definitely does not strike him as an old, creepy lady.

Who knows, though? The kitsune mask on her face might be hiding all the wise wrinkles. So Tubbo scrunches up his face, squints his eyes under the orange tinted goggles but alas, his goggles don't provide Superman's X-ray. So, the only clue he has to her age is her voice!

…which has a voice changer. Damn.

Nevermind then. Onto the more critical matter at hand: the ring of fire which has successfully scorched his friend's tail fluff and almost his own shoes. This is BBH's famous fire magic, he can't help but be amazed by the flames. For some reason. It's probably the adrenaline that has put him in such an accepting, in-awe state. Then again chaos does call to him quite a lot-

"Dear Bad is helping me, isn't that right?", the villain turns to BBH, whose name is apparently Bad -literally, and The Blade gapes at them. The demon slurs his words with a giggle and it almost sounds like he said yes .

Way to cut off Tubbo mid-thought.

"What have you done to him?", The Blade demands with a growl. Tubbo guesses that the hero has been personally attacked.

Well, if Tommy was under some sort of… mind control? Is that even what it is? It certainly looks like it. Tubbo would’ve been incredibly angry and trigger-happy if that were to happen. No one messes with his squad unless it's him leading the assault! (Assault as in pillow fights and feet tickling, nothing like a huge ass fight).

"I haven't done anything that will hurt him if that is what you want to know", Pearlescent says, "He's just helping me out for the night", and she sounds happy saying that and the hero beside her lets out a happy sound like a kitty nyah .

…Let's not comment on that one.

What is she even planning? Didn't she have an accomplice last time? And out of all heroes, she chooses The Blade to fight with. Oh, ho, ho, Tubbo isn't missing out on this . Isn't she new to the scene? She and… What was the other's name? Gemini? The two of them got cornered so easily by the Dream Team, what could she possibly be thinking going up against a greater opponent?

"Hand me the kids", she orders; demands . BBH looks curiously at her with wide eyes and childlike wonder.

Wait. Wait a fucking second . Tubbo suddenly realizes that this is an actual team-up and that they are about to be human trafficked. And that there really is no way out of this situation.

Even in this peculiar position, The Blade is keeping him perfectly separated from Ranboo and the villain is really an obstacle in human clothing. Not to mention the whole ass demon that seems to respond to each and every word she says like he's been put under a love spell or something. Are the love potions on Craigslist actually effective?

Ranboo seems to realize it too and he thrashes in the hero's hold. The grip around his wrists tightens as the hero tags him back almost gently .

"I'm taking these two rascals to the responsible adults, so no", he tells the villain with a perfectly emotionless voice.

Pearlescent's mask almost seems to frown . BBH scowls beside her. Oh, fuck.

"Bad, dear, can you retrieve those two for me?"

*

A villain and a raccoon outside of a McDonald's, what will they do? Tommy has found that this particular question is for highly intelligent individuals and that he is an intelligent individual in-training. He hasn't exactly found a logical answer to it and his growling stomach hasn't really left him any time to think either.

They flew here, Tommy hanging on The Watcher with claws and teeth, fearing that he'd be dropped at any second. He dared to look down once and- he immediately looked back up. They were so high up, damn. He only lost one of his bandanas to the wind, leaving his mouth and chin uncovered. At least his eyes were still covered.

Thankfully, he was not dropped but neither was he given any money to buy food when they landed. Wasn't The Watcher going to treat him to a nice, (un)healthy McDonald's meal? Oh.

Oh, wait.

"Are we going through the Drive Thru?", Tommy asks, rightfully skeptical about all of this.

The Watcher raises an eyebrow, looking at him like he asked the most idiotic question to have ever existed in 2022. Like he's the manager talking to a registered Karen.

"No, we're going inside"

Tommy, in turn, gawks. Blinks a couple of times. His eye twitches a bit.

"Are you out of your damn mind?!"

The villain simply waves him off, like going into a McDonald's in his villain attire is nothing dangerous. Nothing anyone should be concerned about. Nah, just the most infamous villain chillin' in a McDonald's with a random vigilante. Because that's a normal thing for a villain to do. Like the po-po isn't going to be called. This guy must frankly be crazy.

"It's fine, no hero works part-time here"- since when did heroes work part-time in a fast food restaurant in the first place??- "I suppose it'll be mildly inconvenient if someone calls the heroes but it won't be that much of an issue"

Is this guy just… so sure of himself? Or plain stupid? He was pinned by The Blade in a matter of seconds just a few minutes ago, his wings are still cut open and bleeding- scratch that last one, they aren’t bleeding anymore- and he looks tired; exhausted . His eyes look tired anyway. Tommy can just see the beginning of an eye bag under the scarf.

"Are you this arrogant all the time?", he asks and turns his head to glance at the restaurant entrance. Just because the guy said they'd be a-okay, doesn't mean that they will be . 

The Watcher leans forward just a little, looking at his face. Wait, no. He isn't looking at his face but rather… he's looking at his lips? This is… weird. Weirdo. This isn't some dating sim- oh, God, now he can't get the thought out of his head. Darn teenage hormones!

I mean, you could call this a dating sim. Tommy has heard a lot from Gem and she showed him a rather peculiar KFC fangame not so long ago. This is like the typical victim-villain scenario in a romance novel in Stress' bookshelf of books. Alone, (somewhat) cornered by the most infamous and (by internet standards) most fabulous villain in a dark alley... Ew, blegh - he'd appreciate a bucket to vomit into with that last one, thanks.

Said villain chuckles, awkwardly rubbing at his nape. This is such a novel cliché, Jesus . 

"Looking at the graphs, I'd say I have that right"

And his self-confidence is through the fucking roof. Great. Awesome. Another aspect to either attack or simp for. Sheesh.

"Touché"

The man walks into the restaurant then, Tommy reluctantly walking behind him. The first thing he notices is the lack of eyes staring at them, which is weird and pretty foreboding considering who just walked in. So, he looks around and finds that there isn't a single customer sitting at any of the tables. Huh. This is strangely convenient. There weren't many people outside either.

"Innit, what would you like? You can order for the others too", The Watcher asks him and pushes him to the counter with a wing.

Speaking of wings, how can he even move? They are ginormous! Is he just that strong? And doesn't it hurt now that there's bone sticking out of the fluff? He looks at the other wing- oh. Turns out it does hurt. How did the wise Tommy Innit figure that one out? The limb is limp and dragging on the ground like a trash brush. Honestly, how did he not notice this outside?

He is handed a twenty and left to order as the other goes to find a place to sit. Tommy grimaces as if he is the one having to haul tons of feathers across the dirty floor.

Hm, alright. What does he get? He looks at the picture board over the counter, ogles the many available options and- he can't decide. For fuck's sake. Why is everything so delicious looking?! Why do humans make food look tasty?! Ugh! The curse of pretty food.

Alright, change of tactic-

Before he can fall into Tactic-B, the cashier pssts at him. Once, twice. The final time, Tommy can't help his curious ears and turns his attention to the cashier. A young woman, around twenty, lean, black hair, worried face. Uh oh.

"Are you okay, kid?", she asks him.

His tail bristles just slightly in annoyance at the comment. Kid? Seriously? He is taller than The Watcher, does his hair betray his age that much? Okay, out of all the things he's been through tonight, this one really shouldn't be passing him off so much but come on!

"Yeah, I'm fine", he answers, just a tiny bit begrudgingly.

What else is he supposed to answer? He's never been part of an interrogation before. He came here out of his own volition for food; for his hungry, growling stomach. Well, I guess this isn't an interrogation like in the movies but it's close enough.

"He hasn't hurt you or anything, right?", he shakes his head, tries his best to stay poker faced. "Alright, just hang on tight, the heroes will be here any moment now"

Oh, this poor woman. Tommy wants to laugh and cry at the same time. This is so awkward; she has misunderstood this completely, oh God. But it's fine. Possibly. Maybe. What will he say to the heroes when they eventually show up? No matter the explanation, he'll be thrown in the tiny cell of the police station until Grian comes to pick him up.

If the avian decides to go and not let him suffer an hour more than he should.

"I'd like two cheeseburgers and a double burger, um, please?" -Please just let poor, lil' ol' Tommy order. He can feel his stomach twisting in on itself and hears his gut make this weird, cockroach-ie, chattering sound. 

He feels like his own organs will begin a protest march if he doesn't eat soon!

The cashier nods and types in his order. Hopefully no one will pee in it -he has heard many horror stories of that happening from Impulse (the man used to work as a part-time cook in a McDonald's during his teens; he's witnessed many questionable things).

He gives her the twenty and she hands him a five and a couple pennies below the just amount. Tommy shrugs and pockets them without a second thought, not planning on giving any of the change back. Not his money, not his problem. The Watcher can just rob a bank if he wants an extra penny in his pocket.

Quickly, he scouts the empty tables and booths for the man, who is waiting for him at a table beside a window. A window . Great. Convenient. Let all people see RaccoonInnit hanging out with The Watcher. This will be a great debut for villain RaccoonInnit. Fucking awesome.

Can you hear the sarcasm? See the irony? Mhm. This will age well.

"Did you pocket the change?", The Watcher asks, not even bothering to look at him, fiddling with a paper towel crane instead.

This just keeps getting better! This villain is a fan of art! Add that one to the cliché romance novel list! Fuck. When did he have the time to fold a paper towel into a crane, anyway?

"I didn't-"

"You can keep it. You smell like you need it"

His eyebrow twitches.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

As if sensing his ire and anger, the blond turns his head and stares him in the eye. Tommy, like any sane human being, takes a step back. His eyes are piercing like Ranboo's and they pierce straight through his body and soul. He gulps.

The man just laughs it off. Asshole.

"That you need a bath. Were you digging through a trash can before I found you?", he asks, more like teases.

Well, mister Watcher, he'll have you know that, yes , he did dig through a trashcan and he found a pair of earrings Ranboo could pawn later! The dude doesn't seem at all impressed.

Tommy huffs.

"That's a shitty crane", he comments. The other falters for a second, as if he's trying to hold something back.

"It's a paper towel, of course it will come out bad and uneven", he says with a quiet, maybe even tired, sigh.

Hmm. Okay. Point accepted. With a shrug, Tommy decides to take a seat opposite of the villain. He adjusts his bandana to make sure his identity is well protected and throws a look at the cashier. The woman seems to have disappeared. 

"I think she's calling the heroes", he notes.

"She pressed the emergency button under the counter", is the simple response he receives.

Why does a McDonald's have an emergency button? Only Ranboo would be willing to rob a McDonald's- and he would take the cheeseburgers , not the cash .

"How- How did you even see that?", honestly. Like. How? Half that woman's body was hidden behind the counter! Tommy didn't even notice her move, let alone press a hidden button!

"She wasn't subtle about it", The Watcher tells him, his eyes piercing through his once again.

Tommy notes the vibrant glow that almost freezes him in place. If he wasn't used to Ranboo's eyes, he might've just fled.

"You should be more observant, uh… RaccoonInnit, was it?"

Oh, great. This is the second bastard who's told him that. First, The Blade and now The Watcher. Fantastic. But, hey, at least this guy got his name right. Tommy is only slightly impressed and surprised by that. Only his neighborhood knows the great RaccoonInnit!

To hear the best villain speak it? It's a pretty big accomplishment! Wait, does that mean he's known in the villain world? Is that even a good accomplishment?

"You actually know my name?"

The other shrugs, trying to act indifferent. Or maybe he's blushing. The latter is far more amusing.

"I do"

"That doesn't sound creepy at all"

So, he is known in the villain world! Okay. Wow. What does he do with that information? Maybe he can rub it in Tubbo and Ranboo's faces. Hmm. Alright. Sounds like a solid plan.

He kicks his feet beneath the table, looks at The Watcher. The silence that befalls them is awkward to say the least.

The villain just stares off into space and Tommy rests his chin in his palms, trying to analyze the enemy. Such a weird, crazy dude. Is the guy even an enemy to him? He saved him from both doom and juvie and now he's paying for his food. If he wanted Tommy dead, Tommy is sure he would be a grated mess of a human being on the street now. So, maybe, he isn't his enemy. Just… an acquaintance? Can a villain even have civilian and vigilante acquaintances?

And now that they are together in a McDonald's, alone and undisturbed, what can he do with him? Other than exploiting his wallet? Could he talk him into giving out his address? Or the location of his secret villain lair? He's never been an interrogator except for the times he's asked either of his BFFs where the TV remote is.

The man's eyes flicker. Tommy raises an eyebrow, thinking that it was a simple trick of the light. Only, it isn't. What the… They flicker again. Oh. Is he using his powers right now? In front of him? What even are his powers? Perhaps he can start with that.

He analyzes the flickers in silence, notes how the man's eyebrows are slightly furrowed and how he is staring off into space. What could his superpower be? It is somehow connected to his eyes, checked that one. He is well known for dodging shit and being a slippery bastard in general. Can he foresee his enemy's punches? His eyes widened. Yes, that's probably it! So, if he throws a punch at him, the guy should - in theory - be able to dodge.

He is about to test his little theory, as stupid as making an attempt to punch a villain sounds, but The Watcher's eyes stop flickering then. They return to that vibrant, piercing glow of theirs and they flick from Tommy's slightly pulled arm to his face.

"Seriously?"

Tommy might as well throw this punch out of spite.

Okay, time for a distraction, Tommy! You can't let him figure out what you were trying to do! Although that instantaneous reaction might be proof of his powers, you can't let him think you've found out! They were secret for a reason, after all! Play dumb, play dumb!

"So, do you like watches?"

The man's eyes widened in bewilderment. Nice save! The perfect distraction! He flicks his lil' ears, trying to act curious.

"Huh? Where did that one come from?"

"Watch? Watch er? Kind of makes sense, innit?"

And The Watcher full-on laughs. Wheezes. Like this is the funniest shit he has heard in years . Tommy almost wants to join in himself, though for him it would be out of relief that his distraction actually worked . He hasn't had this pleasure with anyone other than Grian when he'd need to steal sugar cubes (they are tasty, shut up) or dig through the trash (there are some tasty treats in there, he recommends trash-diving) and he'd need a quick distraction to escape the man's chiding.

He is glad that all avians are so easily amused.

Tommy really dislikes that voice changer the guy has, though. It didn't really bother him before -he didn't even have the time to register how horrible his voice sounded- but God is it an abomination. One moment, his tone is high pitched and then the next, it is low and barely audible. Almost like a parrot trying out new words to say. He cringes with no hesitation.

When the man calms down, he lets out a sigh of lightheaded-ness.

"I'll tell you this", The Watcher says, ominously leaning towards him. "My name is more of a… how should I put it? It's like a title"

Huh. That's a weird fun fact.

"A title?", a nod with crinkled eyes. The dude is smiling. That's… probably good. "I guess you were being all creepy, watching us from the top of that building"

Wait. He was watching them. His theory is slowly but surely being proven right! The dude watches people! He is observant, that's why he can dodge and slip away like that! He probably knows the streets of the city like the back of his hand! Is that why he was given that name/title? Hm. He'll need the council for this one (Tubbo and Ranboo and maybe the wisdom of Cleo).

For now, he would prefer to torture this poor man. The Watcher looks embarrassed. Like he's been caught red-handed and Tommy wants to exploit this sign of weakness for the fun of it. Didn't he wave at them anyway? Where was that shyness and embarrassment back then?

"Speaking of, did you want to be friends? Are you lonely, bigman?"

Yet the question seems to take the villain by surprise, which is low key hilarious to witness.

"I- No, I think you've misunderstood, Rac-"

Tommy shakes his head before the guy can regret anything he's done in the past half hour.

"Because I'm looking to fight you, bitch!"

And yet, The Watcher bursts out laughing. He is mocking him; the fucking nerve of this bitch! Once Tommy is done with him, he'll make him into his personal butler! That'll knock his ego down a peg. Hmph.

" You? Fight me? You'll need some upper body strength for that, pal"

"You won't be saying that when you'll be eating. My. A-"

Tommy is interrupted by the waitress, who looks like she'd rather be anywhere else but here. He immediately shuts up and crosses his legs on his seat, sinking into the back until he feels his own back crump. The Watcher looks like he's smirking at his embarrassment. He scowls at him. Bitch.

"Um, here is your food", she says and serves the many food items they ordered in record speed. She is gone as fast as the wind, like she was never there.

Tommy looks at the front counter and finds no cashier. Did all of them just… flee the building? I mean, that's smart but… Now he's alone with The Watcher! This might end up bad for him. What's he supposed to do if the villain suddenly finds him more appetizing than fast food? Transform into a raccoon and scurry away?

Actually, that's not a bad idea.

"They're gone if that's what you're wondering", okay, that's not creepy nor overpowered at all. Does he have eyes at the back of his head now too?

Tommy shrugs it off as a villain thing and proceeds to chomp on his burger. He can't help but notice that out of all the items on the menu, the man ordered chicken nuggets. Two plates worth of chicken nuggets. What kind of stomach does this man have?! Or- oh.

His friend will come over as well, huh? His friends wouldn't just be dropped off at the entrance, would they? No, of course not; that would've been too simple.

"Who is that friend of yours again?"

"Pearl. Pearlescent Moon. Have you heard of her?"

"The one who almost got caught by the Dream Team in that bank robbery?", a nod, a slight twinge of fear and doubt from Tommy, "Are you sure that my teammates are safe?"

A scowl. He swallows. Maybe, he shouldn't have said that.

"Back at the bank, she and Gemini were outnumbered. Now it's a 1v1 and she only needs to retrieve your friends, not fight The Blade"

Right. Okay. Point taken. Tommy will never doubt another one of The Watcher's friends ever again. He shuts his mouth with food.

Right then, the little bell of the front door rings. Tommy is surprised (almost chokes on a piece of burger) as he hadn't noticed the bell when they walked in because of his nerves and anxiety of being escorted in a McDonald's by a villain.

In steps a woman with a fox mask and two very familiar human beings. Ranboo looks about ready to fall over and Tubbo is surprisingly wide awake despite the time and the fact that it is night . But there is another… dude? That is ominously slouching behind them. Wait. Wait a fucking minute .

"Isn't that-"

"Hey, guys! We've arrived!", Pearlescent Moon waves at them and wastes no time shoving The Watcher to the other chair so she can steal his seat.

Well. That's bizarre. They must be friends if he just allows her to shove him around. Speaking of friends, Tubbo shoves him out of his own chair and - darn his muscle superiority - succeeds in stealing his seat. Ranboo simply passes them, sits on the one remaining seat by the window and proceeds to fall face first into his burger and stay there. Tommy grimaces just a bit. All that teleporting must've taken a lot out of him.

But back to the more critical matter at hand-

"Why is there a hero with you?"

That slouching guy is a demon. BBH to be exact and the guy is a hero . Previously worked with the Dream Team before cutting off to do more private work or whatever. Did he decide to join the dark side all of a sudden? And what's up with the white trim? Tommy thought BBH's signature color was red.

The guy simply stares at him as he stands guard next to the two villains. He looks… How should he put it? Lost? Out of place? His eyes are kind of… hazy? Is that a good word for it? He blinks and it is the most unnatural thing ever.

"Oh! Pearlescent can hypnotize demons!", Tubbo answers him with a sort of energy Tommy has only ever witnessed when his friend is on a sugar rush, "Isn't that cool?!"

So that's why the hero looks so lost!

"Yo, that's so cool!" -He completely disregards how unethical this is.

Tommy catches the worried gaze of The Watcher out of the corner of his eye. His raccoon ears also catch his whisper to his friend? Colleague? That voice changer really isn't doing him any favors in the whispering department.

"You told them?"

"It'll be world wide news soon after I release him, so it may as well not come as a surprise to them", Pearlescent nodded at the three of them. BBH looked at her curiously with a small tail flick.

Tubbo makes a small noise of interest.

"Where did you find him, by the way?", the brunet asks.

"The Dream Team decided to call in reinforcements-"

"Dream thought it would be easier if someone hunted the lesser villains so they could focus on The Watcher", BBH cuts in. Pearlescent's mask almost seems to frown. Tommy raises an eyebrow at that.

Pearlescent clicks her tongue, unhappy. Is that a bad thing? Tommy looks at Tubbo who merely shrugs. No red alert, then.

"He's already regaining his senses, I don't like that"

Nevermind, there is a red alert. Though, she doesn't look all that alert.

Tommy raises an eyebrow. Does her hypnosis have a time limit? Or is the hero's subconscious battling against it like in the movies?

The Watcher drums his fingers against the table. His nails -correction, talons (holy shit, they look sharp)- scratch at the plastic surface. Tommy is so glad he isn't on the dude's bad side right now.

"That's not good. The Crowfather is en route too", he says and Tommy can almost imagine his frown. The villain eyes them. "Eat up before he arrives. Should be a couple of minutes"

With that, they happily dig in, though Tommy has to wake Ranboob up so he can stop getting grease all over his hair and costume. Boob-boy is not at all pleased with that development but he eats his food anyway.

"Pearlescent said that there is this villain newbie called Jumbo", Tubbo whispers to him. Tommy, with a mouthful of bun, looks at him.

"Oh, yeah?"

"Don't talk with your mouth full. Anyway, she said the guy excels in bomb making! And she told me that she can try to nab some for me to try out!"

Tommy ignores the nervous and worried glances Tubbo receives from The Watcher. Oops.

"She also said that you'll only be trying them under strict supervision", Ranboo adds. He looks about ready to fall asleep again.

Tubbo's wings buzz in annoyance. Tommy laughs at his friend's misery. Putting a limit to Tubbo's destruction and chaos is like teasing a 5 year old with holding a jar of Nutella over its head. It does not end well but the process is funny af.

"What did you do to The Blade?", Tommy hears The Watcher ask his colleague. The guy doesn't even attempt to whisper that one.

Speaking of The Blade, yeah, Tommy would really like to know what happened to him. There is no way he just let Tubbo and Ranboo go without punting the villain to the moon first!

"Bad took care of him", Pearlescent replies, popping a chicken nugget in her mouth.

How does one do that over a mask- oh, wait. She's moved the mask up just enough for her mouth to be accessible. Can she see like that or is she blind until she flips it back down again? Questions, questions… all of them irrelevant!

"Bad?"

Tubbo nudges him.

"That's BBH's name"

"That's a weird ass name"

"I know, right?"

They both shout a distinct exclamation of pain each when a boot hits their shins.

"Ow! What was that for?!"

He locks eyes with BBH - Bad- and he swallows back all the curse words he wants to yell at Pearlescent Moon. The hero is scowling at him and the horns that poke out of his hood only add to the tall man's intimidation factor. Tommy thought BBH was supposed to be the nicest hero of all heroes; not this intimidating dude in front of them!

"Don't be jerks. He may be hypnotized but he still has a mind of his own", Pearlescent tells them in a strict tone. "Especially now that he's waking up"

Tommy tuts and finishes his burger. He looks at Tubbo and finds that he has scarfed down his. Ranboo is still nomming away and the two villains continue their idle conversation.

This is an awfully bizarre scene. The two supervillains in front of him look nothing like the press and the heroes have made them out to be. The Watcher looks like your standard guy, awfully chatty and chipper like he isn't a bad guy on the run. Pearlescent, too, looks relaxed and if it wasn't for the mask, maybe she'd pass as a normal person. 

It's weird to witness this. The way they are all sitting at a McDonald's, having a nice, (un)healthy meal and idle conversation is just too normal for the characters involved in this scenario. It feels like a Monday when they're having lunch at Stress' with some of the other residents. Tommy's gut twists just enough to make its doubt aware.

Ranboo finally finishes his burger and just in time, actually. The Watcher raises his head and looks outside of the window -Tommy catches a flicker of his eyes- and announces that the Crowfather has arrived.

"Bad, sit with the kids, please", Bad does as he's told and stands right behind them. Looms over them. He's like Slenderman but sized down to more appropriate proportions and without the necessity of eating kids' souls.

Tommy only bristles at the way Pearlescent addressed them.

"Don't speak unless we say so, okay?", The Watcher instructs. Tommy nods; it just now strikes him that his idol is about to crash the party.

He can barely keep his surprise and excitement from showing in his tail wagging. Stop that, tail! But tails don't listen to anyone, not even the person they're attached to. Oh well.

The two villains whisper to one another. They're planning an awesome, flashy and stunning escape, no doubt. As long as they take the lot of them along, then Tommy will allow them to execute the flashiest escape ever!

So they wait. They wait for a few minutes. Anxiety and nerves get the best of Tommy but no, his hands are not trembling, thank you very much. You're just imagining things! Tubbo is hunched in on himself, already feeling cornered and Ranboo looks a tiny bit more alert, though he might fall asleep any second now.

Bad just… stands there. Like a statue. He only provides a very small feeling of safety seeing as he is a professional.

They don't see the Hero when he arrives. The only indication that he is here is the hardly noticeable flinch of The Watcher after his eyes flicker again. Tommy notices Pearlescent stick a hand in her jacket and pull out a gun . She hands it to her partner-in-crime and takes out a dagger for herself, which she hides under her thigh.

Oh shit. Tommy is starting to feel only slightly threatened. Shit is about to get real, reeeeal quick.

The bell rings.

And Tommy really wants to shout and yell at The Crowfather to run away when he sees him but he might just end up getting shot instead. The Great RacconInnit is not getting shot after he survived a whole ass fall, though! So he stays silent, if only a tad restless.

He notices how Pearlescent is tapping the table silently, seemingly speaking in Morse code. Fuck, he should've taken Grian's offer to learn Morse when the man had suggested it! He can only take a wild guess and say the obvious thing. They're planning.

"May I ask what the two of you are doing here?", The Crowfather asks, his eyes boring holes in the backs of the villains before he acknowledges the rest of them. "You three? BBH?"

The hero looks high-key bewildered. Honestly, Tommy can relate. This isn't exactly what you'd imagine if you were told that there's a villain in a McDonald's with a raccoon as a hostage.

"What does it look like?", Pearlescent sassily responds.

"Would you like a chicken nugget?", The Watcher asks. Tommy's eyes widen as he sees him move his arm, no doubt holding the gun in his hand.

The Crowfather's widen as well but it's probably because of the villain's weird, trick question. It's impossible to see the gun from where the hero is standing and Tommy really wants to shout at The Crowfather that The Watcher has a gun but a stern look from Pearlescent shuts that idea down.

Okay, Tommy, think, think, think! What could be a good distraction right now?

"No, thank you. I'd prefer if you let go of your hostages instead. BBH? What are you doing just sending there? Get them out of here!"

BBH just stares.

Pearlescent chuckles.

Hmmmmm.

"BBH listens to me now", she says, letting the hero misunderstand the whole thing.

"Are the two of you related, by the way?", both The Watcher and The Crowfather's heads turn to Tommy, surprise and confusion clear on their faces. "Y'know. Blond hair, black wings, both on the short side?"

"Hey!"

Tubbo loses it. And so does Tommy when the two avians squawk in unison! Pffft . Oh, it couldn't have been any more perfect!

Pearlescent shakes her head. Party pooper. 

The Crowfather shakes his head, his eyes hardening. Guess joke time is over - for fuck's sake.

"Release them, now", he demands. Tommy shuts up, followed by Tubbo.

"Or what? You'll call for backup?", Pearlescent hits with her sass, dealing a good amount of mental damage. Oof . "Ghostbur is far away, The Blade is stuck on a trident. I think you're outnumbered here"

Wait. The Blade is what now? Is that what she meant when she said that Bad dealt with him? Did the demon actually… Holy shit…

"He was pestering them up on a rooftop. We had to intervene"

Even The Crowfather catches the little innuendo. He staggers back, looks like he's about to faint but regains his senses before his old knees can crumble.

"You can either rush to save him, I don't know how much blood he's lost", The Watcher speaks up as he stands. He holds the gun in a steady hand, swift in the way he raises it to be in line with the hero's forehead. "Or die here. Regardless, we'll have a nice meal"

The choice appears easy to make. The Crowfather is flying out of the establishment with gritted teeth faster than you could say "bone-apple-teeth".

"Well", Tommy starts and stands up, "That was anticlimactic"

Thelot of them are the first to get out of the McDonald's, leaving the three adults to plot murder. It's not their problem what they'll do for the rest of the night! Their problem is at home and they can only pray that Stress doesn’t hear them going into their humble attic.

*

Dream was not expecting to see Bad for at least a couple of days.

The Dream Team hired him yesterday, seeing as BBH had decided to become a mercenary for hire after he left their small hero group in search of something to do solo. Dream suggested having someone hunt down Pearlescent Moon and Gemini and bring them in for questioning, which would also make the team's life easier regarding The Watcher's arrest.

Sapnap, being Bad's only son, immediately offered to contact his father, saying that their case would be prioritized without bribes -plus, Bad wasn't busy these days. Dream didn't see a reason not to hire the man, especially since he's a close contact and someone whom he could rely on.

It would've taken him only a couple of days, he told them -no, promised them. Not a day.

"Dad?"

So you can imagine how surprised the three of them were when Bad appeared at the doorstep of their shared apartment. He was holding his head with a bloody hand, his white eyes crinkled in an expression of pain, back hunched and tail tucked between his legs. It was a sight that made them all worry and Sapnap even more so.

"W- Where am I? Sapnap?"

"What are you saying, dad? You're at my house! Hell, what happened to you?"

"My head hurts so bad…"

And the demon collapsed in Sapnap's arms, almost sending both of them to the ground but only succeeding in making his son panic. George and Dream helped carry the unconscious man to the living room couch.

That was when Phil called. The man did not have any good news for them which added to the stress of the household. He told them what he witnessed at a McDonald's: how he saw Bad at the enemy's side, motionless, holding some vigilantes hostage. Dream listened carefully, trying not to let shock cloud his judgment as the avian hero went over what had occured an hour ago.

Bad had impaled Technoblade to the wall of an apartment building with his own sword and trident. It was a miracle that he was still alive and kicking when Phill called.

So, now, they are harboring a traitor in their house. Sure, Bad is a mercenary for hire but he'd never go after his friends no matter how much the client pays. But he had gone after Techno, one of Dream's best frIends and sole rival on the hero leaderboards. That's something that Dream can't forgive. His gut twists each time he glances at Bad on the comfy pillows, long legs hanging off one arm of the couch. Something in him calls for blood, for revenge.

However, Sapnap pleaded with both him and George to ask questions first and act upon the answers. Dream's reaction was emotional after the phone call, he'll admit but he has to cool down; they have to let logic take over for this situation.

"What do you think happened to him?", Sapnap asks after the three of them take shelter in the kitchen. George hands him a warm cup of herbal tea and pats him comfortingly on the back.

"My guess is… some form of mind control"

Dream ducks just in time to dodge the stream of herbal tea that shoots out of Sapnap's mouth. He has half the mind to glare at him but his interest has been piqued by George's words.

"Woah, there, George"-Sapnap coughs, no doubt having had tea go down the wrong pipe-"calm down with your theories, man!"

"I know that it sounds far-fetched, such powers are incredibly rare but-"

"It adds up", Dream not-so-rudely interrupts with wide eyes. "That adds up with what Phil told us, remember? And temporary memory loss and paranoia are both well-known symptoms of mind control"

Sapnap shakes his head disappointedly.

"The Watcher's power isn't of that sort and Pearlescent Moon's power is telekinesis"

Humming, Dream recalls the events that unfolded at the bank robbery a few days ago. He can remember clearly how both of the villains acted and the fact that there was only one power present rather than two. In the heat of battle, they pinned it on Pearlescent Moon, seeing as she was more active and performing heavy attacks while Gemini was more in the background. Thinking about it now, though, with a clear mind…

A chomping noise that comes from the counter scares the living daylights out of him and almost makes Sapnap spit out his tea again. George is just casually leaning on the table, already used to the sudden "house noises".

Honestly, Dream should've got used to this by now.

There, hunched over an open box of macarons from Niki's Bakery, is a white blob. An animated cone with a spherical head and no other limbs whatsoever -and would you like to know a fun fact? That glutton of a blob is a literal god from a different dimension. He's going ham on the macarons, gulfing down all the sugar despite the physical lack of hands and mouth. No one has bothered to ask how he can lift things without hands.

George had found him living in a wet and moldy cardboard box at the side of the road a few months ago. No one would have guessed that such a small, alien creature could be a god living in those conditions nor that a God could catch a cold. He was sneezing for a week straight after they bathed and wrapped him in a ball of blankets.

Maybe asking him about this is a good idea -for assurance. Sure, he isn't the god of this dimension (the Overworld , as he calls it) but he is still a god -an immortal being that has lived for millions upon billions of years! He must have some wisdom!

"XD, what do you think?", Dream asks the blob.

Said blob turns around, a big 'XD' chiseled to his face with small, pink bits of macaron stuck around it. The remaining macaron is hovering in front of where his mouth should be. It's not at all disturbing. 

"I think that you're all idiots", XD says, taking a bite out of the sweet. "Except for George"

George laughs and Dream loses all faith in every god that exists.

Yeah, XD is a 404 simp. That's nothing new in general mythology, seeing as many gods simped for many humans (Techno's words, not his) but with this particular blob of chaos and mischief? It's not exactly convenient. 

"George, just ask already", Sapnap demands and he crosses his arms with a huff.

"Whatever", George waves him off with a shit-eating grin but asks anyway. "XD, tell us who the one with the mind control is"

XD hums in fake contemplation - the little bastard.

"For you it's free. For those two" -he waves the remaining macaron in Dream and Sapnap's faces- "Double or nothin' "

"You're literally eating the last one, asshole!", Sapnap whisper-yells, stealing the words straight from Dream's mouth.

XD finishes the macaron out of pure spite. He huffs amusedly.

"Suffer".

Chapter Text

“It’s hypnosis”

“How do you know?”

“He has… side-effects, one could say. Bad, were you with two villains yesterday?”

“No, I wasn’t”

“Did you side with the enemy?”

“What?! No!”

“See? He’s been told to deny anything that happened. He remembers the McDonald’s, so it’s not total mind control. Hypnosis can only block memories for some time and will cause a person to be confused and therefore more obvious, so erasing them would not be… ideal”

“So, he was told not to speak of the villains and sent him back to us, just so it would be more difficult to figure out?”

“There is a possibility that they asked more of him, though. The noobs are smart nowadays”

“Keep a close eye on your father, demon boy”

*

Annoying Jimmy is perhaps the best pastime in the world. Or in the video club. Stopping criminals is much more enjoyable since that gets the adrenaline pumping through the veins but, turns out, this little side-hobby they learnt from Grian is great white noise for doing homework.

Living under the same roof as the avian and following him around the block, the three of them quickly picked up on the inside joke (or bullying, an outsider can hardly tell) of the whole block of flats. They all called Jimmy "Timmy" to annoy the man and they pestered him from time to time in general.

Jimmy didn't seem to mind when the tenants did it, already used to it but when the three of them started? Well. Tommy picked up on that full-face cringe and the "For goodness’ sake…" that was muttered quite easily and quickly. Needless to say, they pestered him too.

"Can you stop messing with the casings, Tubbo?", Jimmy asks with just the slightest bit of disappointment and annoyance on his face. His eyebrows are furrowed in alarm and who can blame him? He was chasing Tubbo for about ten minutes before giving up and retreating behind the counter.

Tommy does not try to muffle his laughter when Tubbo manages to knock over some more DVD cases as he buzzes about. Jimmy hauls himself over the tall counter (which, no, no one marveled at) and sprints to the aisle the brunet was just in, trying to catch the ones that miraculously survived Tubbo's onslaught.

"Stop doing that!", the man shouts but of course, Tubbo doesn't listen. None of them do. Even Ranboo has stolen some lollipops and sweets from the bowl on the counter and he's supposed to be the well-behaved one in the group.

"Nope!" -and there goes another case. At least, he is careful enough not to break any of the DVDs; Jimmy would actually kill them for that.

You see, Jimmy doesn't own the place. He doesn't own the building, he doesn't own the stock, he is poor af for that -the only thing he provides is the sweets and lollipops and God knows how long he keeps them in that godforsaken bowl. The ones Ranboo stole are probably months old, which is probably why he is not being nagged about it.

Tommy clicks his pen against the paper of his notebook, scribbles a few numbers, draws a couple of lines. Algebra is hitting hard but he won't let it defeat him! Not when it's as simple an exercise as this one! He’ll hit harder! f(x+2)= (x+2)² +1, x belongs to R(eal numbers), prove f(x)= x² + 1. It's supposed to be a simple problem, the simplest out of the rest that follow. But he's losing willpower and his patience is running low. And Tubbo is being a hilarious distruction back there!

"Tubbo, you're going to hurt yourself!"

"I'm not, bigman, I'm careful- AAH!", right as he says that, he is caught by the ceiling fan and spun around like a fucking yo-yo. Guess that's karma, lol.

Jimmy screams after him and climbs up the shelves in an attempt to set the boy free. Ranboo is wheezing, Tommy is about to fall to the floor, homework and all forgotten.

"Tubbo!", is the last thing they hear before Jimmy's fall and then the big boom of a body colliding with tile flooring, as well as a loud, very audible "OOF" as Tubbo falls on top of him, successfully crushing the other's ribcage. Okay, that's an exaggeration but Tubbo has heavy bones. Heavy enough to make a shelf snap if he jumped on it -even if he'd jumped on it gently.

Said boy lets out a grant of pain and despite Jimmy's suggestion to get up and let him breathe, Tubbo stays there. Spiteful as always. We love to see it.

"Tubbo, could you please get off of me?", Jimmy asks. Poor man, even in his (literally) lowest moment, he is still being polite.

"Nooooo", Tubbo whines but inevitably, he is thrown off when the man rolls over and stands. "Owwww"

Ranboo, who is the first to recover from the enormous fit of laughter he and Tommy were sharing, is considerate of their friend's well-being.

"Tubbo, are you okay?", he tries to be considerate anyways. The giggles haven't escaped his voice quite yet. Tubbo shakes his head, just a bit concussed probably -it'll heal-, but altogether he looks to be in one piece.

"I think I cut my back", the boy says in a protesting tone as he sits up with a hiss. Well, it's more of a buzz really. There is this sort of weird crackling sound that comes from him, most likely the new scratch, that makes Tommy's fluffy ears twitch.

Jimmy swings into full-panic mode then, quickly dragging Tubbo to a stool at the front counter and telling him to lift his shirt so he could take a look. I mean, Stress might talk his ear off if any of them get even the smallest bit injured whilst in his care, you can't blame him for being alarmed by a mere peasant scratch. Tommy stops laughing, remembering that his ear would also be talked off for not stopping his best friend from hurting himself.

"It's already scabbed over", the man notes and Tommy leans over to have a look himself.

Tubbo's body is a bit quirky, that much Stress and Cleo had noted when they'd seen said quirkiness in action. Whereas normal people have blood clot over their wounds to create a sterile area for healing, Tubbo has these hard, purple scabs that look like a shell form over his wounds. They don't know why, Grian has theorized that it is a hybrid thing, saying that Tubbo might not be just a bee hybrid but a combination of two. None of them know who their parents are, so maybe Tubbo's parents were a bee-woman and some alien dude.

"It itches", Tubbo complains, already trying to reach the purple scab with one of his hands. Thankfully for the wound, Tubbo could never reach the middle of his upper back.

"Don't scratch it, Tubbo", Jimmy scolds, sounding mentally exhausted already. "Speaking of, has Stress talked with a doctor yet?

Tubbo shrugs his shoulders. Ranboo sighs.

"She tried to arrange a rendezvous for the two of us but the doctor's list was full until Sunday. She said she'd try again later today after work"

Well. That's news to both Tommy and Tubbo. When was this conversation and why was it held behind their backs?

"She talked about it over lunch on Monday, guys"

Ranboo's disappointed look is joined by Jimmy's.

"Maybe you should pay attention when an adult is speaking to you rather than eating so fast, you'll choke and throw up", the Brit says and lets Tubbo lower his shirt. His wings buzz, stretching out after being held upwards for so long.

It's weird how awfully similar Jimmy's words are to Stress'.

"We were hungry, man!", Tommy protests. Tubbo lies his head on the countertop, muttering a similar sentence before promptly falling asleep. Or pretending to have fallen asleep, one can hardly tell; the teen could pass for a mannequin if he tried hard enough. He can stay so still that you’d think he’s bitten the dust because his chest’s rising and falling is barely visible!

Jimmy simply shakes his head and Tommy, in response, crosses his arms. He looks at the man with the most hateful gaze he can muster and said man seems to become smaller the more he stares. He stares more. Ranboo averts his own gaze, surely feeling uncomfortable with all the eyeing but oh well. Tommy can care about that in a bit for he has to show the cashier his place on the block o’ flats hierarchy via staring.

That is when someone else walks in and the eye contact is broken in favor of Tommy acquiring visual information regarding the new customer. It isn’t often that someone new walks into the video club. In fact, if it weren’t for the tenants, Tommy is pretty sure the place would’ve been abandoned a loooong time ago or turned into a nightclub (Jimmy had mentioned once that the owner wanted to try out the idea but Impulse threatened them with his financial superiority).

Honestly, DVDs aren't in fashion anymore. They aren't even modern. Everyone has abandoned their DVD players in favor of radios and laptops and phones, the likes of which only the rich people have. That is one reason why Tommy likes Grian; the man is a hoarder and he has a very old player under the TV (which is of course used to support Jimmy).

Anyway. 

A familiar mustache enters the establishment. Black and bushy, slightly twirled at the edges, old-fashioned and glimmering with wax under a slightly droopy nose. Tommy's eye twitches when he takes in the well-ironed black suit and red tie. It doesn't take more than a minute for him to turn into a raccoon and fling himself at the man. Raccoon Tommy does more damage than Human Tommy!

Honestly, he doesn't know why he throws himself on the mustache man like that. It's just an instinct at this point. A symptom of denial or whatever -Grian has been urging him to warm up to the guy but he is too stubborn to listen. Or to do what the avian asks of him to do (when he isn't looking anyway). All he knows is that the fabric of the suit is rather cheap because it tears immediately when he latches on. Tommy has torn enough of Mumbo's suits to differentiate between cheap and expensive. He's pretty sure he has torn about 10 suit jackets including this one. Where do they keep appearing from? How many suits does this man have?!

"Oh my God, Tommy!"

Mumbo, being a weak, peasant human (raccoons are royalty compared to humans as per Tommy's decree) screams. Of course, he does. Tommy is unhindered by said scream and instead cackles and chitters like the little racoon gremlin that he is, clawing and gripping at the scratchy fabric for dear life. He doesn't like the texture at all; is it some sort of Tommy repellent? Well, Mumbo, does he have news for you! No one repels Tommy Kraken Innit so easily! And yes, he just added that second name because why the fuck not?

The man is desperately trying to tug him off, though, going for pulling his small paws out of the innards of his suit but it is all in vain. When that plan fails, Tommy can feel calloused fingers just above the base of his tail. He swears, if Mumbo so much as touches his perfect, fluffy and magnificent tail, he'll- he touched it. He's dirtied it -soiled it with his big sweaty fingers. Ohohoh, this little fucker, he's in for it now-

Tommy doesn't really get to retaliate, though. He is yanked into the air and kept at arm's length, dangling upside down before he can claw the guy's eyes out.

"If I set you down, do you promise not to bite me?"

Tommy goes for the eyes. He swings his little paws furiously like the feral child he is, tries to scratch the fuck out of the man's face… but he is too far away. Mumbo sighs. Jimmy is laughing.

Looking at the damage Tommy has caused to the black suit, one can see why Mumbo is the laughing stock now. Tommy laughs -chitters- and claps his lil' hands together in mild evil satisfaction. That's what he gets for getting his tail all dirty! Wait. He is still getting his tail all dirty, ewww -does he not know how difficult it is to upkeep such luscious fur?! He is very high maintenance, thank you very much. So, Tommy strikes again with unrelenting determination and almost catches the tip of Mumbo's nose.

"This is what I've been dealing with for the past week", Mumbo grumbles. Yeah, that's right, be miserable! You deserve it for what you’ve done to his tail!

Jimmy laughs and gingerly takes Tommy from Mumbo. Yes, Jimmy is much more gentle and careful and -most importantly- he doesn't assault his tail (he has a cat, he knows how to treat royalty). Tommy simply curls up like the king that he is in the blond's arms, holds his head up high and promptly sticks his tongue out. He takes his tail in his little paws and brushes out the fur, leaving Mumbo with a hiss of a warning to know that he's messed up big time -if he could not tell from the ruined suit.

"All of my suits have been chewed through and ripped to shreds thanks to Tommy. Every time I leave, I find a new one on the floor just torn apart", Mumbo says with an exhausted sigh. Tommy hisses at him again. "And Grian told me to figure it out with the kid but-"

"Tommy is being a little bitch", Tubbo mumbles in his sleep. Tommy gawks at him, offended.

It's not his fault that Mumbo decided to put his clothes in Grian's closet! That's where Tommy's clothes are (and by that he means Grian's red t-shirts but no one has tattled so far), it's not his fault that the suits are so scratchy and shit and they irritate the fuck out of his arms when he digs around for a shirt. Actually, he's doing Mumbo a favor by getting rid of the bad ones. Why is he even mad about it?

"Agreed", okay, why are his friends betraying him like this? It was expected of Tubbo to say such crude and vile things but for Ranboo to agree? Absolute backstab.

"Hmmm", Jimmy hums as Tommy tends to his magnificent fur. "Take off your suit jacket"

Mumbo looks back at the cashier with a raised eyebrow. "You really think…?"

Tommy feels Jimmy shrug. "It wouldn't hurt to try, would it?"

"It will if he launches at me"

Silence.

A shuffle.

Tommy looks and finds Mumbo suit-less and tie-less. Jimmy grabs him from the armpits and Tommy… He doesn't know what to think about being given to the mustached man like some cat to be pet. He is so much higher than cats, even if Ranboo dares to differ. Raccoons shall rule the world one day and they’ll be an unstoppable force, commanded by the one, the only, the undisputed RaccoonInnit, greatest vigilante of all time.

He is settled on Mumbo's chest. He grabs on with his paws, scritches the fabric and somehow, the tendency to tear and destroy and cause misery and chaos has gone out the window. Huh. Weird. Why is he okay with this? Tommy is more baffled than the people surrounding him.

“...Could you not have told me that my suit was annoying you?”, his Tommy senses are tingling; he is about to be in trouble. “Instead of destroying half of them?”

Oh, wait. Mumbo isn’t his parental figure. Tommy isn’t in trouble and Mumbo can’t ground him (that’s Stress and Grian’s job). He takes a lucky swipe at the man, which is dodged, because why not? And jumps away, off to transform back into a human with an extra limb.

“Well, that was something”, he hears Mumbo mumble whilst he’s trying to grow back his limbs.

“That means no suit from now on”, Jimmy responds with just the right amount of mirth. “Anyways, how’s Grian doing?”

“Ah, he’s recovering well. That rack really did a number on his arm but he’ll be discharged at noon”

Ranboo is the first to react to this news. Tommy is pretty confused about this situation as well. Since when was Grian in the… hospital? Did he get that right? What happened to his arm? Stress has been adamant that he was simply avoiding the landlord yesterday because he was a month behind on rent and Impulse was certain that he heard Grian say that he had to go to an important meeting or something. It was business related and as long as Grian was going to come back, Tommy didn’t really question it.

“What happened to Grian?”, Ranboo asks for all of them, all worried and not holding his nerves back. Tubbo yawns loudly, showing his awareness of the situation.

“A rack fell on him at work”, Mumbo explains. “He was lucky enough to get away with only a broken arm”

“Ouch”, Tommy comments. He silently prays that their avian father-figure isn’t going to die on some hospital bed with shitty, unsalted food because of some stupid rack.

“He’ll be discharged today and thanks to healing abilities, he will only have to wear the cast for a week or so”, the ravenet continues, “Until then, he can’t use that arm”

Tommy cradles his own arm -it is more human now, showing more skin and less fur-, feeling goosebumps travel up his spine. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots his friends doing the same. His arm feels weird, somewhat numb, like it is trying to imitate what a broken bone feels like. Wow, thanks body.

Regardless, that means that they are not  going to be setting up pranks that need to be cleaned up afterwards. Grian’s favorite quote “We prank hard but we clean up harder” hasn’t exactly stuck to any of them. They'll have to be delicate too, though hardly any of them complain about helping out with chores -especially when they get to pull a toy out of Stress' Mystery Box.

(One time, Tubbo pulled a fidget spinner out of the box. Needless to say that Stress regretted putting that toy in the box when the three of them watched the thing spin for three hours straight. She had to steal it back and burn it, throw it out; none of them know what happened to the toy but they haven't seen a fidget spinner ever since).

"...Tommy, do you want to come?", oh, he spaced out. Oopsie.

"Sorry, what did you say?", he asks and Mumbo repeats his question. Tubbo looks all excited, practically beaming, despite being asleep just seconds before. It should be obvious -what the man asked- but Tommy is really scratching his head about this.

“I said that I’m going to the crystal shop downtown and I was wondering if any of you wanted to tag along”

Ah, right. Tubbo has been wanting to visit that shop for a while. Sadly, however…

“I can’t come, bigman, I have homework to do and Cleo will kill me if she finds it half-finished”

As much as Cleo tries to deny the fact that she doesn’t kill children, one can only wonder what the students at the school she teaches have to say about that accusation. So, Tubbo and Ranboo will have to go all by themselves.

“Ah, right, you do that and-”

Tubbo is pushing Mumbo out of the establishment, dragging Ranboo behind them before the businessman can finish his sentence. None of them complain. Tommy sighs, only a bit sad for not being able to tag along with his friends to that crystal shop. Oh well, one can’t have it all.

Okay. Back to the problem -or rather function- at hand. So, I put u=x+2, u belongs to R… f(u)= u² +1, uεR- Done! One question down, a couple more to go.

“Tommy, what did you call Mumbo?”, Jimmy asks out of nowhere. Tommy looks around and locates him at the messed up aisle, where he’s returning the DVDs to their rightful places.

“What did I call him?” -and then he remembers- “Oh. Oh, wait, did I- huh.”

He's left dumbfounded at himself. 

Jimmy cackles.

“Shut up! I have to prove that this thing is a monotonically increasing function in (0,+οο)!”

“You’ve got this, Tommy”

Indeed, he’s got this.

All he needs to do is state that x1, x2ε(0,+οο), x1 > x2 and reach the function’s form from that.

Square the x’s… x1²  > x2² , add a one… x1² +1 > x2²+1 - And there it is! Easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy. That goes f(x1)>f(x2) and since the arrow hasn’t changed direction, the function is monotonically increasing in (0,+οο).

This is going surprisingly well. Too well. So well that the Maths homework is sus. Eh, as long as it’s completed it can be a sussy baka.

*

The doorbell chimes loudly when Tubbo bursts through the door of the crystal shop. His wings are buzzing in excitement, he is hopping from one foot to the other, he almost knocks over an old lamp- Ranboo looks more dead than alive in comparison to him. It’s funny how dead he can look sometimes. Then again, Tubbo is more hyped about this little trip than him. 

So, Tubbo scans every single little thing in the shop and it doesn’t take long for him to get lost in the aisles. Well. There are no aisles but a few racks of pagan related things, so he can't exactly get lost. But he does fucking try- there is so much to see here!

Tarot cards, crystal balls, runes, wands; you name it! It’s probably there! Of course, there are crystals too: opal, quartz, amethyst, small rubies, emerald, geodes; all are in display cases in an abundance of colors. There are books as well and Tubbo doesn’t waste a minute. He grabs each and every one he can get his hands on, reading the first few words of the summary on the back (with some difficulty -why do people use such weird and difficult words?). There are guidebooks, spell books, history books on magic- the place itself has this magical feel to it. Maybe it's all the vintage and old-fashioned furniture, the yellow wallpaper and the yellow rays of sunlight.

"Tubbo, be careful with the crystals", he hears Ranboo warn. Looking up, he finds his friend looking at a peculiar black and white gemstone. Onyx , says the little label at the front.

"I am careful, bossman"

"Tubbo, Ranboo, come meet the owner!", they hear Mumbo shout in this happy tone. They also hear someone else's chuckle. Was there always a person at the front desk?

Hm. Maybe there was.

Reluctantly and sheepishly, the two of them poke their heads out of the racks and scout for the new person. Tubbo spies a red top hat on short, brown hair- target spotted. Mumbo's look is neutral, if only a tad mirthful and slightly wrinkled, bushy mustache pushed up. He's smiling so they probably haven't done anything immoral or too unusual.

They approach. Wings buzz excitedly, fingers wiggle nervously. Tubbo almost throws himself on the counter when…

There is a meow.

There's a fucking cat! It's lying there, next to an hourglass, playing with one of those weaved balls. It's just pawing at the toy, juggling it from one paw to the other with such grace and carelessness… Tubbo almost swoons when it meows again. The stranger pets the cat's head and that prompts Tubbo to gingerly pat the cat's stomach. His fingers disappear in the fluffy fur. Oh, gosh, he thinks he might just melt. The cat looks so happy and it's so adorable and fluffy; he wants it.

He wants to steal it.

"This is Jelly", the stranger says with a smile in his voice. Tubbo is liking this shop more and more. "What's your name?"

Tubbo looks up at the stranger. He notes the wide, rough scar that expands over one eye, over the bridge of his nose and ends in a tight pitch at the opposite cheek. It is only a bit scary and foreboding, nothing Tubbo can't handle. He wonders only for a second what created that huge… slash? All he can think of is an axe. Something sharp in general. Maybe it was a Creepypasta summoning gone wrong.

He looks at Mumbo, then Ranboo. They're all looking at him. Oh, so the question was directed at him.

"No can do. Stranger danger, y'know?"

And the stranger just gawks, taken aback, confused as the super excited bee-teen refused to tell the owner his name. Owner or not, he is still a stranger even with that huge gremlin grin that is plastered on his face. Huh. That is too similar to how Grian acts when he's set up a prank for the other residents. It must be a coincidence.

Mumbo merely sighs.

"This is Tubbo and this is Ranboo"

Tubbo narrows his eyes at Mumbo just a bit. Ranboo, on the other hand…

"Nice to meet you, sir"

Polite and a party pooper as always.

"Nice to meet you too, kids. My name is Scar"

Tubbo raises an eyebrow. What is this? MLP naming tactics?

"Are the two of you friends?", Ranboo asks, pointing at the two grown men.

"Childhood friends", Mumbo answers.

"Me, Mumbo and Grian", Scar adds. "He has told me about the three of you"

Huh. Grian has more connections than any of them realized. This Scar fellow appears more appealing now. And charming, let's not forget the charm of a business man that radiates off him. Or the charm of a scammer. Yeah, Tubbo can see Scar as a scammer.

"So, the usual order?", Scar asks Mumbo. Mumbo nods and pushes a neatly written note towards the shop owner. 

"Yeah, and some potions of healing for Grian"

Wait. There are also potions available?

"Oh, right, how is his arm? I haven't had the time to visit him."

How many people knew that Grian got owned by a rack at work? Then again, these are his friends, probably some of the closest ones after their small trio of feral boys.

"He's getting out of the hospital today", Tubbo ushers out before Mumbo can answer.

Scar hums a happy hum and disappears in the backroom, probably to get Mumbo's order ready.

"Did you see anything you like?", Mumbo asks the two of them. Wings buzz. Is he offering what Tubbo thinks he's offering?..

"I like everything! There's all these cards and runes and crystals and they look pretty!"

The man has to take a step back as Tubbo goes on his rant about the stock on the shelves. Ranboo is more in the background but Tubbo knows all too well that he is thinking about the pretty gemstone in the display case.

Mumbo merely chuckles.

"What about you, Ranboo?"

"I saw this pretty gem in the display over there"-Ranboo points at the wooden display case-"I think it was called an onyx like the Pokémon"

That receives a laugh. Actually, make that two because Scar appears with a small crate right on time.

"On your tab, I'm guessing?"

"Yup"

He is offering what Tubbo thought he was offering. The bee-hybrid gasps and does the pog face before making a beeline to the aisles. Ranboo runs after him, all excited and shit as well, and Scar appears before them with a cane made of copper, cogs and nuts. Oh. Tubbo likes this man even more now -the steampunk aesthetic is just the best.

"You said you liked this one?", the man asks, pointing at the black and white stone with a finger.

"Yeah"

"Can I have this one?", Tubbo points at a black and yellow crystal just a bit to the left. 

"The joura- jourava-vite?"

Scar cringes at himself as he tries to say the gem's name and ultimately fails. Oh! Tubbo has made a new friend. Finally, he can share his dyslexia with someone! Even if that someone is basically a stranger who is friends with Grian and Mumbo and by relation, with them as well.

"Jou-ravssss-kite?", Mumbo tries as well and he's the only one who got it right. "Sheesh, that's a difficult word to say"

"Someone gets it", Scar says with a somewhat tired tone. "There are some whose names I have difficulty pronouncing"

"Same man, same"

Tubbo is patted on the back by Ranboo.

"Anyway, we should get Tommy one as well, so we can all match", the talker suggests. That's a good idea.

"Do you think he'd like a raccoon themed one?

"No, maybe a Tommy themed one"

"It needs to have red-"

"-with black rings-"

"This one?"

"That one?"

And they point at each and every gem and stone that matches the description of black and red. One is too bright, another is too big, and the other too small. They can't decide on one. Their indecisiveness got so bad that they dragged Mumbo to do a vote.

"Scar, do you have any black cases? Preferably striped"

"Sure do!"

So they choose a bright garnet and put it in the pendant case Scar dug up for them. Yes, now this is a black-striped red crystal; now the lot of them can match!

"I'll take your gems and make them into necklaces too, then?", Scar offers and it is done without delay.

"Thank you very much, Scar", Mumbo says and the two of them parrot the sentence, lacking any words of their own to say.

"You are very welcome, Mumbo and Co!"

Then, the doorbell chimes. Jelly, having been relaxed and completely motionless on her back with her toy forgotten somewhere this whole time, perks up and looks around with wide eyes. Her ears are straight, her whiskers whiskering and her tail wraps around her feet when she sits up and puffs out her chest like the queen that she is.

Oh gosh, she looks even fluffier like this. Tubbo and Ranboo sneak a pet and a scratch on the feline's head.

"Welcome to Good Times!", shouts Scar, tipping his top hat to the new customer.

Tubbo doesn't really pay attention to the newcomer at first but then he hears it. A ruffle, a very familiar ruffle, of feathers. Wings. He snaps his head to the entrance, about to bombard Grian with questions about the rack and work and why in the fuck is he out of the hospital and walking around like nothing has happened- but it isn't Grian.

It's The Crowfather, holy smokes. Giant, black wings, green outfit and everything! Tubbo can't wait to rub it in Tommy's face that he also missed a lucky encounter with his idol, lmao, crying-laughing emoji. Actually, why is the hero in a crystal shop? Tubbo has never seen the man wearing any crystals.

"Oh, Crowfather!", Scar says rather loudly, "Are you here for The Blade's trident?"

"Yup", the hero replies as he confidently strides to the counter. "Is it finished?"

Ranboo tugs Tubbo back by the sleeve of his shirt and when he goes to retaliate, he is shut down by a stern look from Mumbo. Huh. Who knew that such a nice looking business person could look stern.

With a huge grin, Scar disappears to the back. That's affirmative then.

That leaves the four of them at the counter, seeing as Mumbo didn't pay when the coast was clear. It's only a teeny tiny bit awkward. Tubbo knows that the hero won't blame his civilian self for anything, seeing as back at the McDonald's -that one fateful night- it was Tubbee who was sitting opposite of The Watcher and Pearlescent and not a random bee-alien-hybrid person. However, he can't help but feel all awkward.

The thing with the Blade's trident too. Their trio knows what happened to the hero, despite the papers and broadcasts saying that he is simply taking some time off to visit family. That's just a ton of bullcrap and it is also the first time that Tubbo has seen heroes bribing the media. It's just so The Blade won't seem vulnerable and BBH won't appear a traitor to society. Political shut that Grian has spent hours to explain to them. 

The thing is that The Crowfather is looking at them all weird. Like he's expecting and dreading something; a big reaction from two fanatic kids probably. Or like he's having a sudden realization; has he recognized Tubbo? His shoe still has the hero's signature on it- did he see that?

"Have I met you before?", the question is directed at Tubbo.

Tubbo purses his lips in awkwardness before deeming that not responding would be way worse than responding.

"My friend and I asked for an autograph at the seaside road that one time", he says.

The hero looks between him and Ranboo and then back at him. He hums, eyes furrowing in thought before the idea lamp lights up above his head.

"Ah, yes! I remember you", he says. "You are the bomb kid, right?"

"Yup!"

"What happened to The Blade?", Ranboo asks out of the blue. The Crowfather's attention turns to him with a raised eyebrow, confusion written all over his face. "He never takes a full week off, is he okay?"

The hero's face falters for a second but Tubbo's keen eyes spot the difference before the man can collect himself. Mumbo comes up behind them and places a hand on Ranboo's shoulder.

"He's a dedicated Blade fan, I'm sorry if he's putting you in a rough spot", he apologizes. The Crowfather chuckles awkwardly.

Wow, Ranboo did put him in a rough spot. At least Tommy, Ranboo and him know the real reason that The Blade has taken a week off. It's probably to heal his wounds and his wounded pride.

Thankfully, Scar returns with a giant weapon case in hand before the situation can get any more awkward for either of the two parties. He sets the case on the counter and clicks it open. Tubbo looks at the contents along with Ranboo who has forgotten all about The Blade in favor of looking at such a high-quality, expensive as all Hell trident. 

The weapon glimmers and shines with an aura of magic and purple glow. This, this magnificent piece of deadly weaponry, right here proves that magic exists, holy shit.

"How is it glowing?", Tubbo asks as he inspects the trident with curious eyes.

"I enchanted it", Scar simply tells them. "Loyalty, Unbreaking and Impaling as promised"

The hero smiles and hands over a heavy pouch. The other accepts it with a smirk of his own and digs through it. He pulls out a handful of gems- does he not accept money? Y'know, real currency? This guy is a true weirdo.

"Has Grian never talked to you about enchanted weapons?", Scar asks as he closes the case, taking away the surreal purple glow.

Tubbo and Ranboo shake their heads. None of them notice The Crowfather look at them all like they've grown a second head each.

"Huh, weird.", is all the shop owner says before closing the case and binding it together with ribbon.

"You know Grian?", The Crowfather asks Mumbo, ridiculously dumbfounded and absolutely confused.

"I'm his new roommate, mate. He's told me the two of you are friends", Mumbo answers with pride. The hero looks skeptical for a moment and then his hawk-like gaze lands on Tubbo and Ranboo. "These are the rascals of the neighborhood"

"Hey! We cause chaos only once a week!"-but Tubbo's protest is not appreciated by any of them. He huffs, his wings buzz and he crosses his arms.

"I haven't talked to him in a while and I haven't seen him around a lot lately", The Crowfather says and sighs dramatically. Scar makes a noise of sympathy, slowly petting Jelly's gray and white coat with a scarred hand, who is merely licking her paw and washing her head.

She is more royalty than they will ever be.

So Mumbo repeats his story and the reactions he receives are a face of surprise, grimaces and many, many goosebumps. Both men cradle their arms like they are the most precious things they have in the world. Even Tubbo is doing it subconsciously, though it is much less obvious because he had crossed his arms before this conversation. 

"Can I come visit?", The Crowfather asks as innocently as a toddler. Tubbo almost gapes in shock.

The Crowfather wants to do what now? Does he not have hero things to do? To be doing? Tommy's fanboying aside, this is a horrible idea! With just a slip of the mouth, they'd be found out, grounded by Stress and then escorted to the police for their notional parents to bail them out.

And then they'd be double and triple grounded until the day they married and had four kids with hamsters and their lives would be absolutely ruined. It's as awful as it sounds, honestly.

So, Tubbo does what he does best. He pulls puppy eyes -discreetly of course- at Mumbo and pulls at his sleeve. He tries to signal not to say yes-

"Yeah, of course you can, mate", the mustached man says instead, "Grian will be happy to see you"

Because of course, he misinterpreted the puppy eyes but- if Grian will be happy, with the broken arm and all- he'll make this sacrifice. Plus, Tommy would be over the moon if they could have his idol at the dinner table for a day.

Fine then.

"Let me put this in the car and-"

"Is that The Blade's trident?", Ranboo asks. The hero stops in his tracks.

"It is. It cracked when he last used it and seeing as he is on break now, he asked me to pick it up for him"

Huh. Makes sense.

"Here you go, Scar", says Mumbo as he hands over his own pouch of emeralds. Where did he even get those emeralds?

"Thank you! Have a great time!"

As they exit the crystal, no, the magic shop, no one other than Tubbo pays attention to the person who walks in after them. Beanie, suspenders, scarred face, a loose red tie over a worn, linen dress shirt and a pair of short, golden wings on the back. An avian.

Ranboo is too busy asking The Crowfather questions about The Blade and Mumbo is paying attention to him and Tubbo to pay attention to anything else. Which, fair, Grian has probably told him that Tubbo almost blew up a bank for the fun of it. And he has seen with his own eyes that Ranboo is a master at stealing wallets.

(He has more than once taken advantage of Mumbo's wallet ever since Impulse took away their free iDimpy)

The man is rolling a casino chip between his fingers and he smells of arrogance and self-confidence and at that moment-

"Hello, welcome to Good Times!"

"That is a shitty name for a crystal shop"

-as the door closes and almost catches his buzz-buzz wings-

"Oh, Quackity! It's been so long, how have you been?"

-he decides that he doesn't like this Quackity fellow. Not that he'll see him (or notice him) ever again but it's been decided. The guy just stinks of smoke and unstable vibes.

So the door closes with its little bell chime and they're off.

—

"I've been good, business has been booming. Las Nevadas has been bringing home the bacon", Quackity says, flipping the chip high in the air.

Scar hits the floor with his cane, a slight bam sounding and the rollers on the windows fall. Jelly meows in annoyance and looks at the avian like he's some peasant and not the most infamous black market dealer in the city.

“You’re still dealing in the underground?”, Scar all but smirks, coming around the counter to give his ol’ pal a firm handshake.

“And I see you still scam people, Scar”, the avian points out with a knowing, mischievous smile, jutting his thumb at the door.

Scar merely shrugs.

“It’s not my fault if they don’t specify if they want Unbreaking I or Unbreaking III.”-not that he has told any of his regulars that his magic is tiered- “Plus, you know that I favor villains”

They pull away and Quackity puts a hand on his face which erupts into the hugest smile Scar has ever seen the man pull off. Scar smirks in return. Oh, this is nostalgic.

“Three years and you haven’t changed a bit”, the dealer barks out with a light-hearted laugh.

“Says you”, he snarks back with no real bite to his words.

“Says me”

Scar returns to his spot behind the counter. Jelly puts her head under the customer’s rough hand and purrs as her coat is pet. For some reason, she’s always liked Quackity -and avians in general, maybe it is because they smell like, well, like birds .

“So, what are you doing in this part of the city?”, he asks, obviously curious. “Did you leave Slime to hold the fort? Well, casino in your case”

And all of a sudden, Quackity’s face turns serious. It’s the same face that asked a favor from him so long ago, when they first met. Scar knows what the man wants: assistance, help, a favor for a favor, an eye for an eye, and as he catches the rough scar (he's only heard of how he got that one) over the other’s foggy eye, he knows exactly whose eye he wants to gouge out.

“I heard you’re close with The Watcher”

“Oh, is that what the rumors say nowadays?”, he hums, “I can’t keep up with you youths, my bones have been getting old and frail”

The chuckle he receives is a dry one. He can’t say that he likes the reaction. Quackity… Sharp as ever.

“That is the worst lie I’ve ever heard”

“Fine, fine, you caught me red-handed”

"I won't take up too much of your time. I only want to ask a few questions and I'll be on my merry way"

“Okay, shoot”

—

Today has been a boring yet stressful day. At least, it has been for Tommy. But hey, he has finished his homework, he won’t have to endure the disappointed face of Cleo when she comes over and he won’t be told off about spending too much time watching movies and too much TV. It’s not really his fault that the locks on the doors are so easy to pick. Except for Pearl and Gem’s. Tommy doesn’t know if it’s a handle thing but damn is it difficult to break into their apartment.

Guess architects and artists really know how to keep their lives top secret.

Anyway.

As he is chilling on the couch in Stress’ apartment, he hears Stress going back and forth from one room to the other all frantically without knowing why. Hence why his life is stressful right now. He can’t even comprehend what she is doing, really- are those balloons? And what is that smell that’s hit his nose all of a sudden? Wait… Is it what he thinks it is?

“Streeeess, what’s in the oven?”

“Pasticcio. It should be ready in thirty-ish minutes, love!”- and she ducks back in the bedroom.

So it is what he thinks it is. God, his mouth is already watering like a hungry dog (who can blame him? Pasticcio is a top-tier special, all hail the great pasticcio). But he can’t eat it right now, so he turns to the collection of comic books on the coffee table. They used to be Grian’s or Mumbo’s (he didn't ask anyone before "borrowing" them) and now they are his and only his. It’s just some Superman story rip-off but it’s funny and that makes up for the stealing.

“Can you come help me with these, Tommy?”

A boy his age should be retaliating. Saying that he wants his own privacy and being completely irrational so he can have his rebellious stage already. But nope. No, no, the comic book is thrown haphazardly on the coffee table and then he jumps over the couch, almost trips and falls on the carpet under the dinner table to go help.

He really doesn’t know how he ended up tying birthday decorations from the curtain hanger to the hanging light as a raccoon. He doesn’t even know whom the decorations are for because no one he knows has their birthday today, except- Except if it’s for Mumbo. Maybe it’s for him, though Tommy doubts that Grian could’ve kept it a secret from them for this long.

When he jumps down, though, he sees the letters on the triangle-hanging-paper things. “HEALTHY RECOVERY” is spelled out in funny, swirly letters which point Tommy to Grian and his busted arm. He chitters and crosses his arms, nodding his fluffy head in agreement and crawls off Stress’ shoulder. The woman gives his nose a boop. He almost bites her finger off.

Even if he is a human in raccoon fur (adorable and fluffy as he is), no one shall perform the feared boop on him and get away unscathed! He only lets Stress go because he is too tired and all of a sudden he’s decided to be a lazy butt to chase her around the house.

"Are we throwing a party to celebrate his broken bones?", he asks when he is back into his human self and he snickers at the pointed look Stress gives him.

"We are throwing this party to cheer him up, Toms", she sighs, "He sounded pretty bummed on the phone, so I'm hoping that this will work"

Tommy hums and rests his elbows and head on the soft back of the couch. Right, yeah, that sounds like a good plan.

"I've invited some good friends of ours too"

"You have?"- the woman nods with a smile and Tommy is prompted into tilting his head. "Do I know them?"

"You don't, actually but they're all friendly and they won't go after your squishy cheeks!"

"No, you leave my cheeks alone! Evil! Eviiiil!" , he screeches and runs to the other side of the living room as Stress laughs her heart out.

He does not like his cheeks to be squished. Thank God only Stress and Pearl do that, otherwise, he would've skipped town and let Ranboo and Tubbo deal with the cheek-squishing.

The bell rings.

"That should be False"

"Who names their child-"

"Open the door"

He opens the door without further questioning and with little expectations about who is waiting outside. However, a big pile of bakery boxes was not what he had in mind. And the pile is moving- oh, there is a person behind it.

“A little help here!”

It’s Fundy.

“Wrong door, Fundy, we didn’t order delivery-”

“He’s helping me out!”, and all of a sudden, poor Fundy is yanked back by the collar, barely managing to keep his hold on the boxes as he stumbles and almost falls down the stairwell.

The culprit turns out to be a blond woman with the bluest eyes he has ever seen. It’s not the blue of the sky but more of the sea when it’s a nice summer day with 30 degrees Celsius outside. She is wearing a striped red and white shirt and shorts, a black jean jacket and a pair of goggles is resting on her head. Her boots clank loudly against the floor and looking down, Tommy finds that the soles are made of metal. The woman has this huge smile on her face and right as Tommy is about to interrogate her, a box is shoved into his arms.

“I brought the goods!”, she yells and lets herself in. Fundy’s legs are trembling as he follows her inside to put the boxes he’s carrying on the kitchen counter. Tommy shuts the door with only a bit of hesitance.

He likes False. One, she looks badass. Two, she seems to be leaning to the chaotic side. Three, the whole aesthetic of a mechanic is too cool to hate. Plus, she just handed him a box full of ‘goods’. He can smell the chocolate without opening it.

“Hey, False! Welcome!" And in comes Stress who hugs False. That's another reason to like her; she is Stress and Grian's friend. "This is Tommy-”

He barely has time to react when a hand is shoved towards him. For all the wives he has, he finds himself looking at the hand for a second before awkwardly reaching out for the handshake. Obviously, he was not prepared for this.

"So you're the troublemaker I've been hearing about-"

"Stress!"

Stress has the human courtesy to look sheepish. 

"I'm False", False greets him, "I'm a friend, no need to be shy"

"'Am not…"

"You are insane!", Fundy screeches from the kitchen. The fox hybrid stretches his back and about a hundred pops echo in the room. That easily breaks the world record of the amount of bones cracked simultaneously.

False only smiles.

"Thank you for getting the boxes up for me"

"How did you even carry them from the bakery to here?!"

"They were pretty light. You should work on your muscles, Fundy, you're a little scrawny"

"I'm not scrawny, I'm svelte!"

He is simply waved off and Stress takes False's jacket to hang it in the hall. The rest of the adults gather in the kitchen.

At the same time, the bell rings. Tommy almost jumps out of his skin, having not moved away from the entrance. Jesus, why does every bell buzz?

"Tommy, can you get that?", he hears Stress shout.

"Yeah!"

Though, he doesn't know who it could be. Another friend maybe? That's the only possibility he can think of, unless thieves have suddenly decided to change tactics and ask before breaking in. He grabs the door handle and pushes down…

…and he almost screams.

Out of everyone that it could've been, he did not expect to see The Crowfather standing at the doorstep. The hero is holding a nice bouquet of flowers and that everlasting smile is plastered on his face.

"Hey, mate. Is Miss Stress home?"

He thinks he might faint…

 And he does.

He very haphazardly and unceremoniously splat on the floor. Good God, that's embarrassing.

Chapter Text

It’s not long before Quackity leaves, the door closing gently behind him. The blinds rise, letting the sunshine in the shop once again. Scar, now a few emeralds richer and another deal made, waves goodbye but his smile falls when he sees the avian cross the street. He picks up the rotary dial behind the old, authentic hourglass and begins to turn the wheel. Jellie jumps off the counter, annoyed by the constant cranking of the cogs.

He hears silence on the other end but then a voice comes, groggy and a little annoyed.

“Hello?”

“Grian, I need you to listen very carefully”

—

Tommy wakes up on the couch. He is bundled up in a blanket, a sore on his side from the awkward way he's been put on the cushions and he thinks there is a bruise on his right knee and maybe a bump on his head -though he might be imagining the last one. The cushions are so soft that one's buttocks can enjoy sitting there but lying down… he has sunk to the hardwood. Which is not fine because he wants to get up and get shit ready for the party- Grian will be home soon (he doesn't know how soon) and he has to help with the preparations!

But the couch is too nice and the warmth of the blanket is lulling him back to sleep. But he also has to get up- wait. What did he do to be sleeping on the couch in the first place? He remembers being shoved aside by False when she came, then Fundy screaming in his high-pitched voice and then… And then he fainted.

Why did he faint again? How did he end up on the couch? Did Fundy carry him? Or maybe it was False; False seemed strong. Hmmm… ah! Right! The Crowfather was at the door!

Which. If he thinks about it rationally, it could've just been a ghost. Some imaginary image his mind made up. Cleo told them this scary ghost story once of a builder burying his wife in the concrete of the building because it kept falling and some bird told him to do that because that would magically solve everything. So they lived with the bones of the wife in the walls. (Tommy is certain that Cleo stole that story from somewhere but he has yet to find the original).

"...awake?"

He hears muffled noises around him. Someone is speaking but he is too sleepy to comprehend the words. However, someone approaches. This presence of mischief and sacrilege and pure evil follows with its wiggly cartoon tentacles. It is extremely similar to the time he woke up because Tubbo had decided to ruin his day by setting a mousetrap by his feet-

His face is slapped by a cold and heavy weight. He shoots up immediately, throwing off whatever that slimy thing was-

"I'm awake!!", he yells loudly, ignoring the loud laughter that erupts around him, and finds the culprit faster than one can say "bee". Tubbo is laughing at his deadly glare.

"Awesome! Come see your hero!", says his friend before grabbing him by the arm and dragging him to his feet.

That's right. The Crowfather! Where is he? And why is he? Why is he here, he meant. Like, why? Why is he in the building and specifically in Stress' house?

"Hey, mate!", and his eyes meet his idol's. Holy mackerel, he isn't a ghost. Though the man seems to have fallen victim to Stress' hospitality because Tommy has never seen the hero without his green kimono and wearing bright pink flip-flops.

"Hello!", he responds, ripping the blankets off him at record speed. He chooses to ignore the chuckles that come from Stress and False, who are sitting at the dinner table. Holy shit, The Crowfather is sitting at their dinner table.

"I'm sorry for scaring you-"

"You could never scare me!"

The Crowfather chuckles. Tommy never thought that he would make the hero chuckle. This is perhaps the best day of his life- it is exactly how a fanfic unfolds! Or, he thinks that's how a fanfic unfolds, he hasn't read any since the time the three of them snuck in a library and hacked into the computers there. That was around the time he was twelve and The Crowfather was still a very hot topic. Hot enough for there to be thousands of E-rated fanfics making their way 'round the internet.

Anyway.

Thing is. His hero, his idol, is there, sitting in the chair, wearing the most formal thing he's ever seen someone wear in the morning. Black button-up, black dress pants, legs crossed- he looks like some mafia boss without the sunglasses.

"Why- how are you here?", he asks rather quickly. He wonders how the man understood him.

"I brought an apology gift for The Blade's misdoings", the other simply answers. He points to a new expensive-looking vase that has a healthy amount of alliums stuffed in it.

Okay… Not creepy at all. He knows Stress' favorite flower, okay.

"I bumped into your friends at Good Times and I happen to be friends with Grian."

"And I invited him for lunch"

Ah, now it makes more sense.

"Speaking off "-interrupts False- "Where is Mumbo and the other kid?"

Tubbo beams. Oh no, he has fallen for the woman's charm. Man down, man down!

"I'll go get them!"

And there goes his friend. Straight out the balcony door and he buzzes out.

Tommy strides over to the dinner table and pulls out his chair. Yes, his, because he lets no one else sit on it. It is right next to the head of the table where Stress sits unless Tubbo decides to be a bitch and steal her seat just to spite him. Sigh. He loves his friends -and it is sorta sad that he has to remind himself that.

However, now is not the time to sulk. Now is the time to fanboy!

"I'm your biggest fucking fan!", he yells -or screams, whichever the passersby think- at the top of his lungs, throwing his arms up and almost falling on the table.

The hero makes a small noise of surprise.

"Like, I've followed your whole career! Well, as much of it as I managed. One can't have wives and buy newspapers! But that time you stopped Goatfather from running that world-eater machine-"

He remembers the day like it was yesterday. A giant redstone machine that flew over the city center, shooting bundles upon bundles of TNT and gunpowder -one could wonder where the Hell all those explosives came from- Goatfather standing tall and proud as he dug away at the city. Tommy and Tubbo were washing cars nearby at the time, hence why they witnessed the giant explosions. And then The Crowfather tackled him in mid-air and Sapnap rushed in with his fire and melted the thing until it stopped. It was so cool.

That happened about… two years ago? Three? It was around the time they forbid Ranboo from cooking. They'll have to ask Pearl for the details, seeing as she was one of the architects that helped rebuild the destroyed part of the city.

Rumors say Goatfather broke out of Pandora -one of the highest security prisons there are in the world, operated by the hero Warden himself- on a giant mechanical mantis. There was this photo of the scene going through the internet anyway and the media took it so far that the president had to make a statement that it was a fake, photoshopped picture. It's more of an urban legend now.

"Ah, that's an old one", the hero smiles, the corners of his eyes crinkle. They miss how Stress almost drops her cup of tea. "Goatfather was quite the opponent, I can tell you that much. I think his power was tech related but I don't remember the specifics"

"Did he actually break out of Pandora?", he asks. The blond shakes his head and takes a sip from his cup of chamomile.

"Nah, Warden never lets anyone escape", he says, voice lowering somewhat, "no matter what"

Well, that was unnecessarily ominous and foreshadowing.

Stress coughs, apparently her tea went down the wrong pipe. False gives her a few loud pats on the back and Fundy is simply snickering with a bowl of homemade cookies in his hands and one already in his mouth.

"Are you okay, miss?", The Crowfather immediately stands up. Tommy follows suit, though he is unsure if he does so because of The Crowfather or because losing Stress to tea would be an odd death to witness.

"Yeah, 'am fine, just some tea", she says. False laughs and sits back on the bar stool. "What's taking Tubbo so long?"

"Maybe they're deciding on a movie to rent?", Tommy suggests with a shrug. He might have better hearing than the average person but they are super high up to actually be able to hear idle chit-chat from the ground floor, let alone the video club. But his ears do catch something… What is that? Thuds?

"Tommy, could you-"

"I'll go check on them", Fundy interrupts Stress, putting the bowl down on the counter and walking to the door. The fox-hybrid salutes to Tommy, making it clear that he is doing this just so Tommy can spend more time with the hero.

"Thanks Fundy!", he shouts.

The thudding is getting louder. Is someone running up the stairs? It's probably Tubbo and Ranboo chasing each other or racing to Stress'. Mumbo is too old to be rushing up stairs like that.

Right as Fundy opens the door, he unleashes this high-pitched scream of his. It takes everyone by surprise and most importantly, it leaves everlasting damage to Tommy's eardrums like it does every damn time. He doesn't know how the ginger can reach such a pitch but he does and it hurts like a motherfucker. Even The Crowfather is holding his hands to his ears and he is a trained professional who can handle more pain and sound pollution than the average raccoon.

"Fundy, why in the fuck are you screaming-", Tommy is cut off by his own scream as Fundy is shoved back by some dude with a ski mask, sunglasses and a gun. A gun.

Fuck, they're being robbed! Murdered! Unalived! Maybe even worse! Hide the women, hide the children! Where are the bread knives and pans when you need them?!

"Shut up!", the one with a… is that an AK?! What in the fuck do they do now?!

"We're all gonna die!!", Fundy all but screeches, leaning back and bending in half as the muzzle is pressed to his forehead.

"I said shut up!", and the gun turned to face the rest of them, Fundy falling on his butt.

They all scream. Except for the hero who has probably faced about a hundred situations such as this before to act surprised. Lucky man.

“All of you put your hands up and don’t fucking move!”, the one man is joined by another two, both carrying a nice, deadly and OP variety of firearms. Like, this is overkill. Tommy is pretty sure one of them has a shotgun. Where did they even find the shotgun? And the AK?

Stress immediately puts her hands up, stiff as a tree, clearly terrified as are the rest of them. Tommy instinctively backs into her, followed by False and The Crowfather who are somehow much calmer than them. Poor Fundy is being held at gunpoint by the third dude and he is petrified and trembling.

This fucking sucks balls, man-

Oh, that’s right! They have The Crowfather on their side! They haven’t even recognized the hero amongst them. Tommy chances a glance only to find the hero watching the three individuals with ski masks round them up and he raised his eyebrow because, why is one of the top heroes sitting like a duck? And then he glances at the guns pointed at their heads. Right, this isn’t a situation in which one can act irrationally and without a well-thought plan!

As long as they don’t die before they come up with a plan, everything should be fine.

“W-who are you? W-what do y-you want?”, Stress stummers and stumbles over her words. It only makes Tommy more nervous to hear that tone.

“I told you to shut up! You’ll learn when the time comes, now, sit down!”, the one with the AK barks out. Good God, Tommy hates his voice already.

“There aren’t enough chairs-”, Fundy is swiftly cut off by False, who seems to be fighting fear with a deadly dose of humor that will probably get them all killed.

“I can get him a chair from the kitchen-”

“Sit on the floor, spoiled brat!”, shouts the guy with the shotgun. So, Fundy stays on the floor.

The first guy turns to them again. He raises the gun and that results in another turn of shrieking and screaming.

“Sit down, for fuck’s sake!”-no one has ever sat down at the dinner table faster than Tommy did right then- “Is there anyone else in the building?!”

Is there anyone else in the building? Tommy finds himself questioning that. Tubbo went down to Jimmy to grab Ranboo. Mumbo is probably with them, leaving only the lot of them in the block of flats. No… wait a second. He remembers bumping into Pearl as he was making his way up to Stress’. She told him that Gem had a job interview at around 12 o’ clock. He looks at the hanging clock on the wall only to find that it is an hour away from twelve.

So, there is a chance that there is still one adult in the building who is not being held at gunpoint. Great, that’s good; it is awesome, actually. If she heard Fundy’s scream, the police should be arriving any second now- no, what's he thinking? It doesn’t work like that. Fundy screams even when he finds a rat in the boiler room. 

They are so fucked.

But as a vigilante and a good-world seeker, Tommy can’t let them go find her!

“No!”, he shouts way too quickly to be believable. So, he clears his throat and tries again. “No, there is no one other than us! Yup, it's only us!"

He doesn't realize that he's standing and flailing his arms until the second guy shouts at him to sit back down.

The original dude stares at him for a second. A second that is too long for Tommy's poor, frail heart and slightly traumatized brain. This will leave a huge scar on him. Maybe. Possibly. He's been doing vigilante work and he's sleeping well at night, so only God knows at this point.

However, he can feel his heartbeat in his neck and he hates how it is pounding away at his skin. It's that awful feeling when you've eaten too much sugar and your blood decides to pick a fight with you instead of actually dealing with it.

"LB2, go search the flats- What are you doing?!", the original dude says as the third guy goes to the door. The latter halts and turns to him. "Are you LB2?!"

"No but I'm closer to the door-"

"Idiot! LB2, go check!"

The one with the shotgun quickly exits the apartment. And in any other situation, Tommy would've made fun of the third guy for being so meek and scared of the boss- he guesses that the first guy is the boss anyway. And in any other situation, he would’ve made fun of all of them. I mean, who robs a block of flats in the day and hold so many people ho-

Oh. They’re being held hostage. Ransom. Who did the tenants piss off now? Like, who could they possibly have dealt with irl to provide this result? It must’ve been Grian. Thinking about it now, that rack at work could've easily been some dude in black in an alley. He is sorta, kinda, totally a troublemaker.

It takes about ten minutes for their small group to be joined by two more innocent bystanders. Gem and Mumbo are unceremoniously shoved into the flat, screaming and yelling and shouting but the guns are snuffing out most of the struggle. The former was expected… The latter, however… Why was Mumbo in the building? Tsk, he was probably getting ready to go pick up Grian from the hospital.

Gem falls straight into one of the chairs but Mumbo stumbles and falls on top of Fundy. Poor Fundy. Now he is petrified, trembling and getting crushed by the tall mustache-man. Well, that’s until Mumbo is ordered off the fox and into one of the sofas. Now, that’s just plain favoritism. Mumbo gets the sofa but not Fundy? Tommy might just turn into a raccoon and jump in The Crowfather’s lap if that’s the case!

“What’s going on?”, Mumbo asks in this panicked tone that has Tommy panicking as well for a second.

“We’re being held hostage, mate”, the hero responds and Mumbo’s eyebrows raise up to his hairline- that is perhaps the most hilarious facial feature Tommy has ever seen.

“You too?”

“Yup”

As the women are fussing over Gem, briefing her about the situation and comforting her because she quite literally got kidnapped, however, Tommy is feeling this itch. An itch of ire and anger and probably testosterone and many other teenage hormones he doesn’t remember the names of. And all this is directed at the three intruders, who haven’t introduced themselves, which is just rude, and they haven’t told them why they are here, aiming guns in their faces.

“What in the fuck do you want from us, bitches?”, he swears, he didn’t swear intentionally. It just… happened! Stress and nerves can do that to a man, y’know? And he is not trying to defend himself because he’s scared of being grounded this time (surprising, he knows) but-

“Don’t call us “bitches”, whiny shit!”, the rounder of the three shouts at him, gun aimed straight at his forehead. Tommy does the smart thing and ducks his head.

“LB3, calm the fuck down!”, their boss yells in turn, successfully saving Tommy’s skin. The other guy throws a small temper tantrum before lowering his gun.

Tommy snickers and the gun is raised to his forehead again, the dude screaming that he'll shoot him until he's one with SpongeBob and-

The bell buzzes. They all stay silent. Oh, fuck, that must be Tubbo and Ranboo. Ranboo’s powers would be great right about now, actually. Phew. Okay, they just have to stay there until the three of them shove in his friends. However, it buzzes again and that is when he realizes… that’s the entrance bell. His friends are still outside.

“Are you expecting anyone?”, the boss asks, much nicer than before, though the awful, commanding tone is still there and it still doesn’t sit with Tommy.

“It might be the postman-”, Fundy says but he is cut off by a phone ringing.

Stress picks up her phone, still shaking somewhat. Her eyes blow wide for a second but only Tommy catches that.

“I need to answer this”, she says and then quickly adds, “It’s my son. He’s studying economics in England”

Well. That’s a good lie. It also intrigues the round guy, which surprises Tommy, given how angry and stressed out he seemed just a few seconds ago. Then again, Stress has that effect on people.

“Really? Where’s he studying?”

“In the university of Manchester-”

The boss slams his hand against the coffee table, looking pissed off.

“Doesn’t matter, you can call him back later!”, guess that’s a no to answering the phone then. But then Mumbo’s phone rings and the second guy slaps it out of his hand when he goes to pick it up.

“What did I just say?!”

This is going to be a loooong day.

_

“Why is the door locked?”, Tubbo asks when Jimmy runs out of the video club. He resumes his knocks on the entrance doors, which Fundy locked for some (probably stupid) reason. Ranboo is still pressing the buttons on the bell system thing but no one has spoken through the intercom yet.

What happened? Did Tommy actually manage to make everyone deaf with his fanboying? Tubbo would not put it past his friend to have done just that.

“Neither Mumbo or Stress are answering”, the blond cashier tells them and they both look at him. They share equal looks of worry and terror; yup, Tommy has successfully made everyone deaf. That’s the only reason that no one is giving any signs of life.

Actually, maybe they went to the bathroom. Simultaneously. That… would make some sort of sense? Tommy has the tendency to roll in the mud as a raccoon a lot and Stress stresses out every time he does that-

Except, none of them have rolled in any mud pits today.

That is when they hear the foreshadowing sound of police sirens. It’s not uncommon for police cars to drive through their street -especially with the rise in Watcher sightings nowadays- but for them to stop outside of the entrance to the two’s house? Well, that’s a little sus if you asked Tubbo and Ranboo.

For two police officers to jump out and push them away from the building? That’s even more sus and dreadful.

“What’s happening?”, Jimmy asks as the three of them are being pushed out of the notional perimeter the policemen are creating. The street in front of the entrance is cleared of people and a deputy is tying red and white tape to street poles.

Okay, this is scary. Scarier than anything either of them have ever had the pleasure of witnessing. Did someone drown in the bathtub? Or worse, did some electrical device dive in the bathwater whilst having a bath?

But then the man that is pushing them all aside tells them that they came because of terrorist activity… and that said terrorists are holding the tenants of the block of flats hostage. Which means that Tommy has probably faced his death already because he’s too much of a handful -yes, even as a hostage he won’t shut his mouth. Tubbo thinks he is too calm about that.

Then again, Tommy has a certificate for escaping certain death (it’s made of crayon and paper but that hasn’t stopped him from being a professional at the craft).

“Is Stress alright?”, Ranboo asks out of pure panic and anxiety but of course the policemen don’t know.

It’s not long before the news truck arrives and a cameraman exits with the news reporter. Oh, great, now this shitty situation will go live. Hey, maybe the heroes will be called! Then everything could be resolved and they’d be a-okay! No injuries, no deaths. Yup, that’s probably what will happen.

But as the reporter is doing her job and Ranboo is blubbering with Jimmy about how their family and friends were being held at gunpoint -that’s when Tubbo realizes that his friends and caretakers are in actual danger and starts somewhat panicking himself- a man with a ski mask, sunglasses and- is that a fucking AK?! comes out to the balcony of the third floor.

The police immediately shout for the pedestrians to back away, hands flailing and all. The man who had pushed them out of the police tape now has a megaphone in his hands.

“Please, let’s negotiate!”, the man shouts into the plastic megaphone. The terrorist dude just leans on the balcony railing.

“We won’t negotiate! Either our demands will be met or the hostages will die!”

Oh shit. This is real. Like, actually, actually real.

“Mister terrorist, is our friend Tommy okay?”, Tubbo asks loudly. The terrorist looks at him.

“He is for now but we will not be responsible for future complications”

The cacophony of worry and crying that follows is cut short as the police calms them all down in favor of asking questions.

“Listen, listen! Who are you and what do you want?”, the officer asks.

“We are the anarchy organization, Lost Brothers, LB for short. I am LB1”, says the terrorist and clears his throat. Then he pulls out a pack of fliers and throws them to the crowd. Tubbo is one of the first to catch one of the papers and Ranboo and Jimmy look over his shoulder at it. “People! This degradation can not continue! Everyday our rights are violated and our dignity is infringed on! The value of human life has been neglected, the environment is being destroyed and what do the higher-ups do? Nothing!”

_

Back in Stress’ flat, things are weirdly calm. Now all of them are sitting in the living room, watching the live broadcast of their own capture on the TV. Tommy has to say that this is the most bizarre thing that has ever happened to him all his life -which is weird considering he’s seen and stumbled in too many dealings in dark alleys. Never once, however, was he held hostage! After all, people normally don’t question why a raccoon in a trash can is looking at them.

So, when Stress offers to bring out snacks and water for everyone, he is pleasantly surprised. He is even more surprised that the terrorists let her put the tray of goods together. She could’ve easily poisoned or put narcotics in the food and fed it to them! It doesn’t matter if she looks nice and harmless, the medicine cabinet is right there! Are they that stupid?

Oh, and let’s not forget that the organization’s goal is aligned with Mumbo’s ideals of anarchism, the destruction of multinational enterprises and last but not least, of saving the environment by planting tons of trees. Honestly, Tommy didn’t know that Mumbo was that destructive and chaotic. He only learnt this because the man hollered loudly when the aforementioned goal was announced.

Tommy has to admit that he likes the guy more now. Suit and tie put aside, he thinks he could put up with him being in Grian’s (their) house.

Oh, look! The Dream Team is outside of the building and- wait a second, is that Warden? Oh, Tubbo must be so happy and over the moon right now. Yeah, Tommy can see his friend performing something similar to jumping jacks behind the police line and poor Ranboo and Jimmy are trying to hold him back from pouncing on the guy.

“Well, he’s not wrong, is he?”, Mumbo states. Ah, right, let’s not forget the argument between Mumbo and The Crowfather, which sparked because Mumbo is happy about this whole… arrangement. “There’s truth to all of it”

That is true. Tommy can state many times when his rights were pretty much revoked. Like the times Tubbo, Ranboo and him had to hide from the popo because the local orphanage sucked balls. Whole ballsucks but they’re rotting and being eaten by flies- ewww, why did he imagine that-

"Are you fucking serious? Not only is this method of protest illegal but they're asking a woman to parade nude on the street!"

Oh, yeah, that was the demand. Ahem. It's not as uh… unethical as it sounds? To give some context, the terrorist asked for a female politician's animal pelt. Which, fair, they could have it. The police officer even confirmed that the woman would gladly hand over her pelt to be destroyed in public and made an example of. That much is okay. It's just a pelt.

They were all shocked when they demanded the politician stripped in public. Like, okay, this was fun and all but just Tommy would rather go before things escalate- of course, no one is let out, so he has to sit there.

"Mumbo is an activist", False attempts to laugh it off but it only makes the two men frown.

He has to sit there with his hungry stomach and the super yummy smell of slightly burnt but crisp bechamel that is coming from the kitchen- his stomach growls. Of course it does. When has his stomach ever failed to embarrass him?

Thankfully, though, he can complain about it now. Why? Because who is Tommy to let that pasticcio go to waste?

"Can we at least have some food? I'm hungryyyy"

“Is anyone else hungry?”, Stress, the angel and savior of all, asks. “I have pasticcio in the oven", Tommy could honestly kiss her right now (on the cheek).

The whole organization goes nuts over it too. Tommy is glad that they are all pasticcio fans; it’s something to bond over and makes them more friendly-looking. So, ignoring the dumbfounded look of The Crowfather -who has probably never seen such a drastic change in mood in a hostage situation (eh, first time for everything)- Tommy goes off to help Stress serve the food.

It’s not long before they’re all sitting on the couch and sofas, plates strewn across the coffee table and watching TV. Poor LB1 is like a bouncy ball, going to and fro the balcony to receive news on the politician’s decision (the police officer has yet to confirm the, um, y’know).

As for the lot of them… Well, they’re pretty much fine. Mumbo is just acting a bit sus if Tommy has a say in it (and trust him, he does).

“In my opinion, you’re not scary enough”, the mustached man says, like he isn’t a hostage, to LB1. “So they aren’t taking you seriously. Like, shoot at the ceiling, scare them a bit!”

“Are you out of your mind, mate?”, The Crowfather rightfully gaped at him. He is the only one who is surprised about this. Well, Tommy is too but on a smaller scale because he’s lived with these crazy people long enough to not be surprised by most unusual things.

From beside him, he hears the three women chatter. Gem is silently gnawing at her nails and constantly glancing at the clock- oh, it’s almost twelve. Right, she has a job interview at twelve and jobs are hard to come across nowadays -big or small. With how slow things are developing, she’s bound to miss it. Well, not if Tommy has a say in it (And he does).

“I need to get out of here, guys”, Gem whispers while the terrorists are distructed by Mumbo and the hero’s argument. “I have a job interview at twelve and I can’t miss it”

“Why don’t you ask them to let you go? They seem nice enough for that”, False suggests.

“Their boss said that no one will leave until the situation is over and dealt with!”

Tommy hums in thought. How can he sneak out a human being without being noticed by three guys with guns? Hmmm… Okay, let’s think about this carefully! First, he needs to get her outside of the flat. Sounds easy enough. Maybe he can sneak her out through the kitchen window and while she’s sneaking out, he can turn into a raccoon and- and end up as a raccoon rug. Yeah, no, he’s not doing that.

He glances at the medicine cabinet. And then he jabs Gem in the side with his elbow.

“Gem, did you take your shot with you?”, he says loud enough for the rest of them to hear. Gem looks at him confused for a second.

“What shot?”

His own eyes go wide for a second and he makes a vague and very discreet hand gesture towards the door.

“The insulin shot!”, he says, a bit more loud and strained. He swallows down the piece of spaghetti and ground meat on his fork. Then, he turns to the rest of them. “She is diabetic”

At that, Gem seems to catch up. She shrugs her shoulders, and stretches her fingers.

“No, I didn’t take it with me and I thought the guys wouldn’t believe me if I told them. They’d think I was trying to get out of here”, she says awkwardly. Tommy did not think that Gem was that good of a liar but here she is, proving him wrong.

Please work, please work, please work-

“Are you crazy, miss?”, LB1 yells. “LB2, take her to her apartment!”

Yes! Yes, it worked! Tommy does a small, silent cheer and his tail wags in satisfaction. He watches proudly as Gem is escorted out of the house by the dude and the door is shut behind them. Now, all relies on Gem and her craftiness and the parkour practice she did when she was around Tommy’s age. Like, a decade ago. Tommy hopes that this works out.

And surely enough, he does. They all hear the people outside cheer and yell and Tommy specifically hears Jimmy’s high pitched voice yell for Gem. LB2 returns panting and with a visible tick mark at his forehead and a bloody nose.

“She escaped!”, he announces and Tommy almost wants to laugh at how wrecked the guy looks. Yeah, take that, bastard terrorist! “Darn woman is telekinetic!”

Oh. Oh, Tommy did not know that. Huh. Okay, not his place to pry but he is disappointed that he was not told or figured it out himself sooner. Maybe Gem hasn’t registered her telekinesis yet and that’s why she didn’t tell anyone.

LB1’s glare, however, stops his wandering mind. He can only guess that it is a glare because he can’t see the man’s facial expression behind the black mask and sunglasses. Tommy, however, has had enough practice reading Endwalker and Tubbee’s faces so it’s easy to distinguish frowns from thin lined lips.

Tommy, however, has never dealt with anyone grabbing him by the scruff of the neck and dragging him to the balcony. He puts up a fight, of course, he has a reputation to uphold, but there is only so much a raccoon can do with a gun to his temple. He is pretty sure he heard Stress scream threats at them but with how things have gone so far, Tommy has his doubts on if they’ll shoot her for that.

For now, he wonders if he will be the one getting shot and that is a scary thought. At least, he gets to say hi to his friends- Nevermind, he just screams at the top of his lungs as he’s shoved on the railing of the balcony, cheek pressed on the cold, dusty metal. Ew, why is it so dusty?

“We’ve waited long enough!”, the guy yells as the crowd turns to face them. The police officers are yelling at each other and the heroes are trying to calm the crowd. Tommy meets eyes with his friends, tail tucked between his legs and fluffy ears flat against his skull, and he shouts for help. The gun is pressed against his temple, prompting him to scream louder. “Either Mrs. Politician strips or the kid bites the bullet first!”

“Why me?!”, Tommy shouts in protest but the gun is pressed harder to his head.

“Because you’re the one spouting stories about the woman having diabetes and she escaped!”, the guy hisses at him.

“Wait!”, the officers shout. Tommy silently wonders why the heroes are just… sitting like ducks. Shouldn’t they be planning a way to solve this? Dream has his creation, Sapnap his flames, 404 his spores and Warden with his trident and explosive tech. They could really be using their abilities to the tenants’ advantage right about now… “We’ve received word that the council is discussing it!”

That’s when someone else joins them on the balcony. Mumbo! Dear, ol’ Mumbo, great friend and ally! Only, he has come of his own volition by the looks of it, since he isn’t being escorted by guns.

“Hello! I’m speaking for the hostages in the building!”, he begins, “I’d like to announce that we will support the Lost Brothers organization wholeheartedly!”

“What?!”

Tommy tries to raise his head. Goddamn you Mumbo! “Give me the gun, I’ll shoot him in the head!”, but he is pushed against the railing instead.

The policeman tries to say something else, only to be cut off by Dream, who creates his own megaphone in his hands, golden magic sparkles flaking off of it.

“And who are you? Are you LB4?”

“No! I am Mumbo K. Jumbo, director of Harmless Harvests and CEO of Boatem Corp.!”

At that, everyone goes silent. Even Tommy goes silent -he is surprised at himself for that. Jumbo is suspiciously the name of that newbie villain Pearlescent Moon and Tubbo were talking about at Maccies so- No, that would have been too easy to figure out. Plus, Mumbo is too meek and jittery, he wouldn’t hurt a fly! Then again, he did harm Tommy’s tail (it took a full hour for him to make it all fluffy again). Nah, impossible!

“Oh”, he hears Dream and Sapnap gasp. 404 looks like he’s about to fall asleep. “Mr. Jumbo, since you’re on the LB guys’ side, could you release some of the hostages?”

Most people would listen to a hero. Turns out Mumbo isn’t in the ‘most people’ category.

“Nope! No one is leavin’ until-”

“If I had a gun, Mumbo, I’d fuck you up myself!”, Tommy screeches at him, fear and all forgotten as he tries to grab the man by the neck and strangle him-

He doesn’t get far because he is tackled into the apartment, rolling like a bowling ball until his ass meets the couch and his shoe finds Fundy’s nose. What in the fuck had just happened? He hears someone finally shoot and then screams from both sides of the house- He looks, curious and confused and he finds- Holy shit, The Watcher is in the living room and he has been shot. Actually shot with bullets of… paint? Are those fucking fake guns?

Nevermind that, why is The Watcher here in the first place?!

“Watcher, what-!”, Stress ducks just in time to miss a punch from one of the terrorists.

Oh ho ho, no, no, no. No one attempts to hit Stress and get away with it! Tommy tries his hardest to be fast -truly, he does- but turns out that False is way manlier than he will ever be. The woman scores a black eye and a hit to the groin, and the first has fallen. Looking back in the apartment, he finds that the rest of them have resolved to violence, having a full on match with the remaining two which Stress and False join with no visible hesitation. Stress even brings a pan in the fight-

Tommy jumps in. Who is he to miss this? Oh, and he’s taking the guns.

*

It took about half an hour for things to be resolved. No one paraded naked on the street, no pelt was burnt but it was resolved thanks to The Watcher’s almost-divine intervention. Dude came out of fucking nowhere! Tommy didn’t even see him tackle him and LB1 until he was upside-down against the couch! Of course, the villain defenestrated himself as soon as the three terrorists (who turned out to be film students (the glasses had hidden cameras on them)) were restrained to avoid getting captured by The Crowfather and the rest of the heroes that were waiting outsidee with handcuffs at the ready.

“Where do you think you’re going?”, The Crowfather had asked with a smirk whilst The Watcher was making his way to the balcony.

“I’m leaving, what does it look like I’m doing?”

Tommy had never laughed so hard.

When he is escorted outside of the building by Stress and Fundy (False stayed with the hero to make sure the “terrorists” would stay put until the heroes and police got upstairs), Mumbo makes a funny noise. The man is the first to exit the building and because of that, he takes the brunt of the microphones that are shoved in their faces. Thankfully, the heroes manage to put the reporters -when did so many of them arrive?- in line.

So, they leave Mumbo to his thing and Tommy is tackled by his best pals. Actually, no, just one of his best pals: Ranboo. Tubbo is too busy gushing over Warden and being a fanboy to say hello to his friend who could’ve pretty much died had those guns been real. The bee has got the hero signing his shoes and he’s trying to balance on one foot at a time. What a crazy person.

“I am so glad you all came out okay”, Ranboo says when they part.

“They were just a bunch of filmography students. Fake guns and shit”

“Did you?..”

“They are under the bed. You can teleport up there and take them to the attic”

Ranboo nods and then makes an ‘oh’ face. Like he’d forgotten to say something. Hastily, the enderbord pulls a chain out of his back pocket with a… is that a crystal hanging from it?

“Mumbo let us buy these”, he points to the purple chain that hangs from his neck. Huh, Tommy didn’t see that at first but now he sees the white and black stone at the end of the necklace. “We got matching ones!” and the one he pulled out of his pocket is donned on Tommy ungracefully.

So ungracefully, in fact, that it takes him a second to comprehend what just happened. He looks at the crystal and finds that it is a ruby in a striped case. He… doesn’t feel warm at all. Nope, no emotions for Tommy. Not that he has the time for them because he is engulfed in like, the huge-est hug he has ever experienced. He didn’t even see it coming!

“Hey!”, he shouts in surprise, only to have a mouthful of red and blue feathers shoved into his mouth. He bristles for only a moment before remembering that Grian has a broken arm -wait, when did Grian even get here? He doesn’t really have the time to think about that because Tubbo is pulled into the bear hug and wrapped in the colorful wings.

“Grian, buddy-”

“You have no idea how scared I was-”, is the response that makes Tommy shut his mouth. He hears a harsh intake of breath as they all sink to the ground. Oh, this will get emotional. “-when I saw it on the news. I’m so glad you’re safe, all of you”

Tommy awkwardly pats the man on the shoulder. Tubbo pushes him into the avian, trying to envelop the guy into a hug but Ranboo holds them all back. Tommy raises an eyebrow in confusion -like, why was Ranboo refusing a hug?- and then he sees it. An arm in a cast. Right. Broken arm. He silently grimaces.

“Well…”, Tommy starts, hesitates a bit but continues anyway, “At least Gem got to her job interview”

He hears Grian stifle a chuckle.

“You’re a brave young man, mate”, he responds, like he was there with them in the apartment when Tommy put his very poggers and devious plan in motion. Maybe Gem phoned him. Yeah… that must be it, otherwise, this is a little (and he’s being generous here) suspicious.

Ranboo nudges Grian’s shoulder and the man pulls away only a centimeter.

“You shouldn’t be hugging us with that arm, Grian”

The avian completely ignores him, simply hugging them tighter.

“How did you even get here? Mumbo was supposed to go get you”

“Taxi”

Over Grian’s shoulder and Tubbo’s messy hair, Tommy spies heroes. By the looks of it, the Dream Team is in charge of hauling the three men in black back to the police station and Warden is waving at Stress and False. The Crowfather is… he’s laughing with Mumbo. Huh. Weird. Weren’t those two fighting like, half an hour ago?

Warden starts walking towards them, back straight and golden armor shining in the sunlight. He is probably coming to check up on them but Tommy’s stomach ties itself into a knot when he feels Grian stiffen. Does this man have actual eyes on the back of his head?

“Hey, are the four of you okay?”, the hero asks in a worried tone that sounds like it failed theater school. Tubbo is ready to jump on the man again and Tommy finds it funny how the guy actually takes a step back.

But then, Grian slowly turns his head, still sitting with them on his knees and wings wrap tighter around them. This is the time when they say “oh no, oh nononono”, except none of them utter it but think it instead.

“My son could’ve died today because of your incompetence… And you ask if we’re okay?”

Okay, this is not the Grian they know. This is some ghost from the 90’s films that has possessed him in some way, shape and form because the tone of the avian has done an 180 degree turn. He sounds kind of… well, Grian but crazy.

“Sir, I understand-”

It doesn’t make them any good that the cameramen and reporters have turned their attention to them. Fucking money-grabbers and life-ruiners chasing after all the angst. Blegh.

“I’m not finished”, Grian cuts him off. “The Watcher had to intervene for all of you to take action! A villain saved them while you stood by, doing nothing, letting my son and all the other people be held at gunpoint, and you dare call yourself a hero?!”

At that, the avian stands up and the hero takes a few steps back. Tommy clearly sees how Warden goes to grab the taser on his tool belt and his eyes go wide. Grian in general is harmless but the hero doesn’t know that -especially since their own protector and guardian is going a bit coo-coo bananas right now.

To be honest, that’s the first time any of them has seen Grian like this. Angry and stressed out. Even Tubbo looks taken aback and somewhat scared and he’s the one with no sense of self-preservation.

“You should be hanging your head in shame”, is the last anger-filled line that comes out of the avian’s mouth. Tommy can’t see the man’s face but by the wide eyes of Warden, he can only guess that it’s a scary grimace. “I wonder how you even worked up the nerve to talk to me-”

“I think that’s enough, mate”, had The Crowfather not butted in when he did, Tommy is pretty sure Grian would’ve said far more hurtful things and the TV channel dudes would be having a whole field week with all this.

Grian did not protest to The Crowfather, only tutting before herding the three of them and Mumbo inside.

* 

When Tommy thinks the day can’t get any weirder, well, it becomes even weirder. Which is sort of surprising because Mumbo successfully managed to calm down Grian and Stress dropped by at some point with a tupper of leftover pasticcio and everything was normal up to this point.

The doorbell rings. Under normal circumstances that is a perfectly not-unusual thing to happen. Maybe it’s some salesman going door-to-door or maybe it’s Stress or Gem coming over to tell them that she got the job! Tommy really hopes that his near-sacrifice paid off. However, the way Grian drops a dish and jumps a foot in the air when the bell rings is truly and utterly sus.

“You alright, mate?”, Mumbo -who is currently helping Tubbo assemble a bomb (they denied the fact that they’re making a bomb but Tommy knows better)- asks, his eyebrow raised to his hairline once again.

“Yeah, just- let me get it”, Tommy peeks over the couch where he’s sitting, Ranboo mimicking his actions. The avian is too jittery for this to be a normal salesman.

Tubbo immediately shrieks and muffles himself with his hands when Grian opens the door. Tommy has to admit that there are too many shady guys roaming the streets nowadays and true to his instinct, he doesn’t look like a normal salesman. And he speaks weirdly too.

“I’m looking for those who watch, could you hear me out?”, like, what sort of greeting is that? And he is too well-dressed for him to be some beggar from the streets.

Grian looks as stiff as a log, wings folded tightly behind his back as he gives a slow, hesitant nod. Sus. Extremely sus.

“...Sure. I’ll be back in a bit”, he tells them and walks out of the door, pulling it closed behind him just enough that the two of them are not visible. Tommy doesn’t hear them walking away but he can hear them whispering.

Now, here comes the dilemma. Does he eavesdrop or does he not eavesdrop?

“That’s the shady avian-guy I saw at the crystal shop!”, Tubbo yell-whispers. “I don’t know who he is but Scar knew him!”

“What?”, Mumbo looks surprised. On the other hand, Tommy is only a tad confused.

“Who is Scar?”

“The super cool owner of the crystal shop! He called the guy ‘Quackity’”

The dilemma is solved then. Off to eavesdrop Tommy goes, followed by Ranboo and Tubbo -even Mumbo comes over to the door.

“...I’m sorry but I’ll have to refuse. I’m sure you heard of what happened… I can’t leave them”, they hear Grian say, voice completely neutral. So this Quackity fellow isn’t a threat, that’s good to know.

“I understand… you have a flock to protect”, avians truly have some weird words.

Tommy can not recall a time when Grian referred to the three of them as his flock.They’re just his little troublemakers despite how he called Tommy his son in front of the rolling cameras and hero.That’s a first and last time because that one occured due to the rolling cameras and not wanting to appear like a kidnapper and pedophile, maybe even a human trafficker, if he said that they were all just the children living in the attic.

Tommy hears shuffling and he dares to nudge the door open just enough to peak their heads out cartoon-style.

Quackity has his back turned, seemingly ready to walk to the stairs and leave. But Grian is too good of a person to let him go empty-handed.

“Talk to the tenant of 1B, tell him I sent you”

And that’s perhaps the most mafia thing they’ve heard in their time with these people.

The other avian, which Tommy notes has short, golden wings, turns with wide eyes and a winner’s smile. He reaches out with a hand as the lot of them scramble to hide themselves more behind the door and shakes hands with Grian.

“Thank you so much”, is all he says, only throwing a swift glance at the totem pole of heads at the door.

“Have a good day, Quackity”

No one has ever sprinted faster to the couch and the coffee table than the three of them did just then. The door opens and closes and Grian, looking relieved and rather relaxed. Whatever chat they missed at the start must’ve been about something good or relieving or whatever.

Mumbo clears his throat loud enough for one to think he’s choking on his own tongue.

“So, who was it?”

Grian shrugs.

“Just a watch salesman. Told him to go down to Impulse’s”

That’s the biggest, fattest, worst and absolutely most ridiculous lie they’ve ever heard.

Chapter Text

It's been about two weeks since that peculiar hostage situation. Two very dull, very not exciting weeks without any hindrances whatsoever -at least during the day. The three of them didn’t have anything particularly unusual to do other than witness Cleo pour herself a cup of chlorine claiming that because of her zombie-ness, it would not have any sort of effect on her (that claim was proven false by Stress, who rushed the woman to the hospital for a stomach lavage, which resulted into Tubbo and Ranboo’s doctor appointment being postponed).

We’re also ignoring the fact that Tubbo almost ate dish soap because it smelled like flowers. Fucking bee genes trying to kill him.

Anyway, in comparison to day, night was also… Well, not too boring but- yeah, no, it was boring. Sure, the heroes (specifically the SBI) were popping up around them more than usual -almost to a very dangerous degree, almost - and there were more sightings of The Watcher doing his thing, Pearlescent Moon with Gemini robbing banks (those two were having too many run-ins with the Dream Team after the McDonald’s ‘incident’ weirdly enough) and there were even some reports about mine fields set up by this new dude, Jumbo, who apparently supported the views of Harmless Harvests.

Hence the alias. He’s totally inconspicuous and unrelated to their lives.

Now, living with the director of Harmless Harvests has its benefits. The best of said benefits is that they can blackmail the guy quite easily and therefore steal stuff from the main warehouse without so much as batting an eye. Tommy literally just picked up a box of cotton candy containers (God knows why a vegan shop has cotton candy) in front of Mumbo (the idiot trusted him to behave in the local shop when they went on this small 'bonding' trip) and threatened to rip all of his remaining suits to shreds.

Of course, Mumbo being quite a total wimp, he just turned away and went to his office. Which resulted in a big pyramid of cotton candy in the middle of the attic and much less room for the three of them.

Other than that, the only thing out of the norm is The Watcher. The three of them have pointed him out in the cover of nighttime plenty of times and at this point, they aren’t scared of him. Okay, the first few times, Tommy will admit, they were very scared because of what had happened to The Blade and while the McDonald’s was great and all, he's still a supervillain. Y’know, a bad guy. But as the days went on, they realized that the dude is more of a creep and a weirdo rather than a threat. He just stands there, perched on the tallest building in the area and just… Well, he watches them.

Now, you might think that that is pretty mild coming from a supervillain but at this point, it’s crossing the line between creepy and clingy. The bad sort of clingy. The sugar-stuck-to-your-fingers sort of clingy. Everywhere they go, he follows silently like a fucking owl chasing a mouse but the thing is that he doesn’t seem to care if they see him do his creepy thing. However, this apparently has its benefits. While heroes have been popping around them more often, they approach them less and less.

404's incident followed by The Blade's must've given them all a good scare.

At least, the smaller heroes do. Benchtrio has witnessed many fights between the Dream Team and The Watcher, as well as the villain against Warden. It’s a lot of fun and the good thing about this is that the fights happen in the street and they don’t need to buy tickets to watch. They can just ask Stress to make them popcorn and they take the whole bowl up to the rooftops with them. Then, it’s just a matter of waiting and boom. Super-human fight breaks out.

However, even that can get boring. Tommy has been itching for something more exciting. His hormones have been screaming at him lately and he’s tried to pick a fight with Pearl at least three times this week. (He’s lucky the woman has spared him the stabbing, simply staying in the chokehold department).

So, Tommy asked and God -apparently- answered. But Tommy only asked for something more exciting, like another McDonald’s meal with the villain team or a double take-down, someone to suplex a hero, not for an unknown villain to appear outside their fucking house!

Okay, let’s back-track a bit. Normal day, normal schedule. Tommy and Tubbo had just finished for the day, empty buckets and brooms in hand, already turning the corner to their neighborhood when they saw him. A big, slimy man in a tee and khaki pants walking over whole buildings; they saw a giant . A fucking giant who was looking for-

“Oh, Watcher, come out, come out wherever you are!”- for The Watcher. Holy shit.

Why is Tommy’s life just becoming more and more redicu- adventurous all of a sudden? Obviously, they couldn’t just let that villain destroy their neighborhood -the guy was not any hero they knew of- so they ran up to the attic and put on their vigilante outfits.

Following that little plot, they are now in the street, chasing after the giant slime dude with the T-shirt and yelling at the civilians to evacuate the vicinity. Sadly, they’re a man down since Ranboo ran off in the morning to negotiate for their iDimpy card with Impulse and the factory owner took him to the job because "You have to earn this one with blood and sweat".

Apparently, Ranboo will be sweating today and the two of them will be bleeding. For fuck's sake.

“Who do you think that is?”, Tommy yells over the sound of people screaming. Tubbo shrugs as he puts the crying child he’s carrying down on the pavement, where its mum is waiting.

“Dunno, haven’t heard of any supervillain be that fucking huge!”

Their conversation is interrupted by a huge chunk of concrete that falls just a bit away from their feet. Tommy notes the hanging lamp that is attached to the material and gulps. That bastard just took apart a fucking house. Change of plans then- not that there was a plan before but-

“We can’t stop that guy!”, not with their powers, they can’t. A raccoon and a bee. Two abilities that can't just… off the dude. What are they going to do? Sting and scratch him until he yields? He's fucking made of slime! He has goo hands!

Wait, no, they are a rabid raccoon and an explosive bee. He is reminded of the little adjectives when he sees Tubbo pull a small, metallic ball from the depths of his pockets: a homemade bomb, made with the help of the great Mumbo K. Jumbo himself. A bomb capable of blowing up a house sky high and so a plan is slowly coming together between them.

“Yes, we can!”, his friend objects but it’s not like Tommy is still having doubts. They have a chance! They have hope! If anything, they can just stall until the heroes get here or The Watcher comes to solve this shitty mess.

“Fly me to the bastard’s head, will you?”, he asks and Tubbo is quick to follow his thinking. Because it’s daytime, Tubbo is far more energetic than he should be thus leading to immersive spurts of surprising strength.

“‘Course! You weigh as much as a toothpick”, Tommy chooses to ignore that jab at his skinny frame -not his fault his metabolism is God level- and proceeds to turn into a raccoon. A very rabid, very dangerous, very snappy raccoon and he jumps into the other’s arms. “Awwww, RaccoonInnit, you’re so adorable-”

Tommy cuts the teasing off swiftly by swiping his claws at the bee’s face, missing only by a few centimeters. Darn it. He grumbles angrily but Tubbo coos at him, so he stops grumbling and starts glaring and baring his teeth. He is a threatening, super scary, ballsy raccoon! God, can't he get some fucking respect?

No. No, he can't. The fact is cemented when Tubbo takes off without so much as giving a warning and while it's nothing like the take off of The Crowfather -a burst of wind so fast you barely see him go up- a warning would have been nice. And no, he does not trust Tubbo to not drop him, his friend has proven himself to be clumsy on occasion.

"We're going up, babyyyy! Woo!", Tommy also doesn't know why Tubbo is acting like he's had three bags of sugar for breakfast. It's probably the sun doing its thing to him.

The ascent is pretty slow, to be honest, and Tommy finds himself crawling out of his friend's arms and perching on a shoulder. He puts a paw over his eyes to block the sun and his target is made clear.

"No one disrespects Las Nevadas, Watcher~!", the giant says in a sing-song voice, though the angry tone and the rough movement contrast it. "No one!", and he slaps a TV antenna off a roof in a fit of extra rage.

Tommy huffs and chitters and Tubbo laughs alongside him despite the tragic situation they have to resolve. It's just funny that out of everything that is on that roof, he chose to slap the fuck out of an antenna. A metal rod. There's a fucking water tank over there and he chooses to discard a metal rod with cables. Pfft-

It almost crashes into a few pedestrians underneath. Tommy immediately scowls. Why do people never listen to vigilantes? Ugh. Nevermind that because they've been noticed. The giant has turned his head to them, a face of fake, slightly translucent skin with brown eyes of which they can see the whole of the organs (ew) and hair and round wire glasses. He looks like a normal person but on a much bigger scale.

Tubbo wastes no time in throwing the handmade weapon of an explosive ball at the guy. He pushes a small button on the device and he throws it, slowly hovering away. The bomb beeps as it hits- no, it doesn't hit?..

A hole appears on the guy and it opens up to let the ball of gunpowder go through to the other side. No fucking way, this is getting ridiculous. Not only that but it does minimal damage when it explodes, just shooting off slime from the giant's back. What in the fuck-

"He's a shapeshifter!", Tubbo points out, like it wasn't obvious enough already. It's like they're fighting a real-life Ditto. Except this Ditto is actually dangerous and not a cartoon character. 

"Good eye!", the giant says, looking quite surprised. Why he is surprised, Tommy doesn't know. I mean, his ability is pretty damn obvious; it doesn't take a genius to figure it out.

Then, the villain's demeanor shifts just as Tubbo flings Tommy at him like a soft ball. Tommy puts his arms out in front of him, doing grabby hands as he prepares to land in slime- oh God, he won't be washing any of that off anytime soon, will he? He'll have to enlist Stress' help and simultaneously come up with an excuse as to why he's covered head to toe in slime and goo.

Tubbo is snatched straight from midair and screams loud enough for the whole town to hear, right as Tommy lands on a very soft nose. He chitters back at his friend in worry but he receives a thumbs up as Tubbo is being squeezed in the other's palm. Well, the guy is pretty soft, Tommy doubts he has bones at this point, so Tubbo being crushed to death is pretty much out of the question.

Let's dance, big slime bastard! Tommy can't help but laugh on the inside. It's a laugh similar to that of Grian's when some hero he doesn't like gets absolutely demolished in a villain fight. Yeah, I know, it's disturbing but it is also super addictive.

So he starts digging away at the guy's nose, pulling off chunks upon chunks of slime with his nimble little fingers and jumps from nostril to nostril as the villain tries to snatch him also. Civilians are still screaming and running away -ha, karma for not listening to good ol' Tommy- but this high up, the commotion sounds more like a slight buzz.

The sound of police sirens drowns out that buzz, though. That sound is enough to grab Tommy's attention as Tubbo is flung to the nearest building like a piece of trash. Tubbo, noooo! The whole thing is distracting enough for him to lose his rhythm and soon, he finds himself in a slimy hand.

Fuck.

"You are annoying, little raccoon", the villain says matter-of-factly as he brings Tommy up to his eye-level.

Tommy spits at him. Well, at least he tries to. It's a bit difficult to do that with raccoon lips but he manages a half-spit, followed by a long hiss. This is not fun. He can already feel the slime sticking to his fur and he is pretty sure it has now embedded itself into his glorious, luxurious coat.

He cries a little on the inside.

"But! You will come in very han-", the villain is cut off as a fireball bursts at the side of his skull. Even Tommy is surprised and the guy stumbles, loosening his grip. "Ow!"

"Leave the raccoon alone, Slimecicle!", another fireball bursts and this time the villain - Slimecicle , how original- loses his grip on him completely.

Tommy would have screamed if he were still in human form. But he isn't. Instead, he screeches as he falls from the guy's hand, finding the experience just as scary as the last time this happened. However, this time, there is a slight difference.

While the Dream Team has arrived on scene, Sapnap being the one to initiate the fight, this time there is no one to actually save him. He doesn't see Dream until a second later, when the man appears from behind the villain's head with the giant energy wings. Sadly, the hero doesn't notice him in time and so, Tommy crashes right on a tree.

It's one of those puffy trees on the pavement and as he bounces from one tree branch to the other, he shifts back into his human form along the way. He hits the ground hard as a human and honestly, he feels fucking shitty. His tail is matted and he can barely lift himself up with the amount of sticky goo on him.

"You are not The Watcher!", he hears Slimecicle screech angrily as he swats at the two heroes flying around his head.

"Hey, come on-", a hand grabs him by his forearm and pulls him to his feet and if he wasn't dazed before, he is now, "-let's get you out of here"

Tommy only has two words to tell the guy. Fuck you , and he would have said them aloud if his jaw didn't hurt. God, he must look like a mess, like a cat who went through an oil pipe. Ew.

To his surprise, it isn't some random bystander. It's Ghostbur and he only gets that when the guy shouts at the civilians to run away and they do. Finally.

You see, this guy has two abilities. He can command people around using just his voice and phase through walls like some freakin' ghost. The second one is a nighttime exclusive, though, because his power is quirky like that. He is also one of the few people to develop a second ability along the way, which -Tommy will admit- is awesome.

"Come on, child, Crowfather is helping your friend".

" 'm not a child…", Tommy manages to grumble but not with as much spite and ire as he would have liked. He already hates this man; this overgrown baby.

He is not a child and the last time he was called that by a stranger, he made sure they regretted it. Sadly, he can't do much about the hero because the world around him is swirling. Just swirling.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, you shouldn't be here"

He shrugs.

"You lot were late", he snaps back with a smug grin. Woah, why does his head feel so light all of a sudden? Huh. What a peculiar sensation.

"You idiots shouldn't have even got involved- Ah shit!", he hears the hero exclaim and the next thing he notices as he is being pulled away from the scene, is a huge ass shadow above them. A huge shadow that becomes bigger and darker the more they wait.

Just as Tommy turns to look, to find out what has created this shadow, he is pushed forward with a scream. He stumbles, almost falls, but a burst of energy behind him sends him flying forward and that's where he collapses. A huge dust cloud explodes in the surrounding area and Tommy coughs and waves his hand around his face to hopefully breathe in some fresh air.

It is to no avail. What even happened? Where is Ghostbur? He begrudgingly pushes his upper body off the ground and finally looks behind him. He squints to make out the outline of the big obstacle on the road through the makeshift smoke screen. It's a big chunk of a building- right there, where he stood not a second ago. Holy fuck. He could've been crushed but- where is Ghostbur? Oh God, oh no- Is he dead?

"Ghostbur?!", he shouts as the dust settles around him. He stumbles his way to the rubble, finding a small houseplant at the side, its pot smashed and dirt smeared everywhere.

He hears someone coughing and he feels this small rush of relief wash over his shoulders- he didn't want to be the cause of the hero's death. The last of the smoke clears and-

"No fucking way-", the dark purple fabric and dirty blond tufts of hair sticking out like a sore thumb under the debris shocks him.

The Watcher raises his head and the chunk on him shifts. What in the fuck is he doing here? Tommy freezes in place when those violet, piercing eyes lock with his own without flashing, signaling that his powers are inactive. The chunk shifts again, followed by a strained grunt of pain, directing Tommy's eyes to- to his wings . Holy fuck , the fucker is holding up the whole thing with his wings-

How strong are those things?!

Nevermind that; where is Ghostbur? Did The Watcher like, push him out of the way also? But if that were the case, Tommy would’ve seen and heard it happen so-

"A little help here?", the villain shouts with some struggle, successfully cutting off his train of thought. Tommy shakes his head and runs the rest of the way to the other. Daze and confusion be gone, he has to help get him out! At least to get the weight of debt off his shoulders.

Kneeling under the most flat part he finds and he tries to push the chunk up with all his might and gritted teeth. However, his very poor attempt at saving the villain is cut off by-

"Wait! Get Ghostbur out first, I can handle it"- said villain struggling to pull the hero out from underneath himself, shoving the man up by his tattered trench coat. Huh. Tommy is pulling Ghostbur out from the rubble before he knows it and the hero just kinda groans like he's been rudely awakened from a nap or a good dream.

The hero looks around with narrowed eyes; Tommy notes the blood in his hair and guesses that the villain didn't manage to save some of the damage. Well, surely it could've been way worse than a concussion if The Watcher didn't appear at all.

"How in the fuck did you get here?", Tommy asks the trapped villain, still hauling the man out of the clutter. Ghostbur groans as the sun hits his face. Yup, one concussion noted.

The hero looks at the debris he's just been pulled out of and squints at it with a grimace. He raises his hand and touches the side of his head where the most blood is and just tuts when he sees the sticky red liquid covering most of his palm. Who the fuck just tuts when they have a massive head wound?!

The Watcher completely ignores Tommy's question, however, choosing to focus on keeping himself alive and very much not let his body take the form of minced meat. Immediately, Tommy drops Ghostbur in favor of helping the other man out of the rubble, not caring if the dude hit his already concussed head an extra time- there is undoubtedly a healer back at HQ waiting for him to turn up.

After returning to the cozy spot he found before, he puts his arms and back against it, now trying to lift it instead of push it off as per the villain’s handy advice. However, Tommy forgot that his arms are nothing but stale noodles but fuck it , he thinks, because adrenaline can take the wheel from here.

“Ghostbur!”, he hears someone shout and big, loud boots thudding against the road. Uh oh. Through his struggle and light-headedness, Tommy stuttered in his lifting attempt and the chunk shifted on his back, earning a surprised squawk from the villain below.

That peasant squawk however, is nothing compared to the absolute horror coming to them. One beat up, slime-covered Blade is approaching at full speed. This is bad. Like, incredibly, terribly bad . Why is he back in action already? Wasn't he impaled on the wall not a week ago? Just how good are those healers at HQ?!

At least he is distracted with the wounded hero over there… for now.

He absolutely can not let him see The Watcher and it's a blessing from the gods that The Blade hasn't noticed the guy yet. Especially after what Pearlescent Moon -well, Bad but at the same time not Bad- did to him, Tommy doubts the hero would help this particular villain out of the rubble. Mostly because The Watcher and Pearlescent are known associates. The great Blade wouldn't save him either way because the guy is a villain but!.. He'd save a hero!

Tommy openly looks at the sky and finds no Crowfather -which is to be expected if what Ghostbur told him is true. The avian hero must be too distracted by Tubbo's hyperactive self up on the rooftops. In this sort of chaotic situation, it would be hard to keep tabs on who is where, especially if one is on the ground and the other in the sky. So, if he gets lucky enough, he could just…

Without a second thought, Tommy repostions himself, hiding The Watcher's visible body behind his legs. The villain shifts his head to have a look but Tommy nudges him with a foot.

"Oi, dumbass! The Crowfather is trapped under 'ere!", he swallows his nerves and prays that he has successfully lied to the top authority in the whole wide world.

The Blade zeroes in on him in an instant, like Tommy has foretold the end of the world. Ghostbur, forgotten and bleeding, is left groaning on the ground like an old man as the pink-haired hero puts away his weapons and cracks his knuckles. Oh no, please don't tell him that the guy paid more attention to the insult rather than the context of the sentence.

"Move"

Tommy is both pleasantly and unpleasantly surprised when he is almost shoved to the side when the hero arrives. Good, good; the strategy is working. Thank God for The Watcher and The Crowfather having similar wings.

That results in Tommy almost kicking the avian's skull in. The villain looks up just as Tommy looks down to set his footing, however, this time he does kick the guy's head. Intentionally. Did he not fucking hear him? At least The Blade? Tommy grumbles a few words under his breath, making them incomprehensible enough that the hero won't hear him cursing out The Watcher.

"On three, lift. One, two, three!", the hero counts them in and they both let out a series of war cries, going "HYEEEEEGH".

With their combined muscle mass and The Watcher's strong-ass wings, the chunk is lifted enough and Tommy rushes to pull the villain out and up to his feet. The avian flaps his wings and puffs them up with a grunt of pain and irritation when he stumbles, awkwardly gripping Tommy's hand for balance. Even though Tommy does his best to hide the other's eyes from view, he can't hide the wardrobe choices.

He is dragged back by the collar of his shirt, almost flung off his feet too. The villain almost comes with as well, which is hilarious. 

"Stay back, kid!"

No . Tommy decides to claw at the hands on his shirt instead.

"That's The Watcher, not The Crowfather!"

I know, asshole, now let me go! Tommy is this close to saying but he bites his tongue in favor of his life. He's already been seen with The Watcher once and he doesn't want to be deemed a sidekick for a second time.

Wait. The first time, Tubbo, Ranboo and him were viewed as hostages. Phew. Crisis averted.

"Oh, really? They look so similar, I didn't- NO!"

The Blade stutters as he swings his sword towards the other thanks to Tommy's unexplainable (to the hero) scream. Meanwhile, The Watcher just stands there, awkwardly. What villain stands awkwardly when there is a sword literally at their throat?!

The villain's face sours just a bit.

"If it weren't for me, he would've been crushed", he says matter-of-factly in that weird voice changer of his, pointing at Ghostbur who is still groaning on the floor. Jeez, it must've been a nasty hit. 

"That's true!", Tommy chimes in, "This is a witness speaking!"

He is unsure of the moral impact his words have but regardless, The Blade lowers his weapon (note: begrudgingly) and huffs. Tommy breathes a sigh of relief.

"Watcher! You've shown up!"

He takes that sigh back.

Slimecicle, who completely ignores the flies that are the heroes flying around his head, smiles down at them. God, that is creepy af, though it's probably more dangerous than creepy.

Sapnap shoots a fireball at the giant's face, blowing up half of it but that does little to deter him from advancing on them. The ground vibrates as the slime villain takes a step towards them, slapping Dream out of the way and into the wall of an apartment complex, creating a big crater that just might make the building collapse in on itself. Oh shit. Why is a man made of slime OP?

"Oh fuck, Jesus fucking Christ-", for some reason, Tommy can't find it in himself to move from his spot; to run away like any sane person would do. He simply watches the freaking behemoth coming towards the three of them.

"You've offended Las Nevadas, Watcher!", Slimecicle shouts as he breaks a chunk off the apartment complex he had slapped dream into. "You sent a mole!"