Chapter Text
When it happens, I slip into darkness, into my personal hell. My consciousness dissolves, lost in the cells Hojo had injected into me because I couldn't leave her alone with this man. The man who took everything from me, even my soul, because I am no longer who I once was. When it happens, I'm a monster. The monster he created, smiling like a madman, so satisfied that I finally accepted the situation passively because I had lost everything, even the will to live. Did I deserve all his pain? All this suffering because I couldn't protect her from herself? These feelings that she had refused me, she offered them to the only man who never loved her. Never. Hojo could only love himself, and she lost herself in her admiration for a bottomless pit of darkness. Why? Why couldn't you love me? I was dying for a simple look, a simple kiss, a simple night by your side... Unfortunately, I was only a substitute for the one-sided hellish love she nurtured for this man... if he can still carry this word, because if I am a monster, what is he?
I've failed. And with her death, my remaining humanity dissolved, lost in the twists and turns of Hojo's mental tortures to the point I fell asleep with my regrets and remorse. In the agony of my endless nightmares, I heard her call, as beautiful as when she had used me, too. The woman who slowly killed me, consumed in a masochistic and suffocating love. She called me, but I refused to listen to her. I don't want to hear her. I was her toy. Hers and his. The one-man she had actually loved. I never want to fall under their yoke again. Even though if they said the truth and Sephiroth is my son! But I bet it was another lie, the latest in a long plot to get my soul to fall apart under their schemes. Because she wanted him to love her as much as I had loved her. And for that, she had used me. However, I knew one day that I would have to wake up from this long nightmare and face my past or what was left behind the crumbs of time. Me, who is no longer part of it.
The first time it happened, I had only been with the team for two days. I will never forget the screams of Yuffie and Tiffa. Their shocked looks, their retreats when my body became the plaything of what I was seeded. I wasn't sure I could control myself. That's why I hesitated for a long time before joining their group. I could have stayed in my coffin and slept the entire time, but she kept calling me, like Sephiroth and Jenova. I couldn't ignore Cloud a second time. In all the confusion of hatred and anger, what hurt me the most was Cid's terrified gaze. Why? Why is he looking at me like that? Like her, years before, when she saw me in this form, the very first time. I'm a monster, but the biggest monster on this planet, she never stopped loving him. Until her dying breath, she had loved him. But I, the slave, the underling, the damned soul, was just good at giving her some human warmth when Hojo was all ice and dementia! Just once, once, I don't want to be a monster anymore!
The first time we dated, I innocently thought our happiness would last a lifetime. I was sure she would only look at me, that her fingers would continue to dig into my dark hair as we hugged and gazed at the inky sky. I thought about marrying her. I imagined our future. Seeing our children grow up and possibly land with her, far from the madness of the Shin-Ra, and spend happy and peaceful days for the rest of our life. I would have traded my whole life for a normal one that I had long forgotten. But in my arms, she thought only of him. This love that I saw in her eyes was addressed to him. A vast empire of feelings, admiration, and desires. I should have known such a woman couldn't look at me like that, poor soldier I was. Unable even to become a SOLDIER or an important member of the Shin-Ra... Would she have looked at me if I had been at the head of the Turks? Would she have looked at me if I had been a top SOLDIER? Would she have loved me if I had been a great scientist or engineer? Possibly. But a man like me, a follower, could not interest her.
I open my eyes to a puddle of blood. My hazy mind still manages to smell her skin until the smell of death blurs the little clarity I have achieved to get back. I open my mouth, feeling a liquid run down my lips, joining the red puddle that clouds the ground at my knees. I try to catch my breath, but the smell of death travels up my olfactory canal. Amidst viscera, crushed bones, and things my mind can't even recognize, I scream in terror, battered by the almost lucid calmness, setting me ablaze after my furies. Everything is chaos. And it hurts. It hurts to live. I should have stayed in my vault. "You are no longer of any use to me now that she is dead." "You are a failure. A failed experiment." "You thought you were useful to me? Just to keep her with me! Now I got better. My son. Or should I say YOUR son?" "Here, kill yourself. From what I mind, you have the right to run away. You are just a coward. You are weak! No one will ever love someone so pathetic! Even less now that you're like me. A monster." This is who I am. I am a monster. I don't know if the remains lying in front of me are enemies or friends. What am I saying? They are not friends! No one will ever want my friendship. At best, they will use me, as she did.
- Vincent! "
I open my eyes to a poorly maintained and dingy ceiling. Where am I? My numb body has trouble moving, but when I can finally move, I sit on the bed I'm lying in. The white sheet rolls down my flesh. I am naked. When you are a soldier, you somewhat forget the notion of modesty. We live on top of each other, with each other, and soon this teeming and noisy mass becomes one. However, after what Hojo and Lucrecia had done to me, I covered this whole body with fabrics. As if to hide my existence from the world. Hiding that I am at fault for what is happening today. Hiding that I'm a monster. I look at my hands, lost in my remorse. I should have killed him. I should have killed her. If I had done what my instincts screamed to me, Hojo and Sephiroth wouldn't be a danger to the planet. After that, I could have finally embraced the void of death. But I'm in chains, like years ago. Chained by the desperate love I had for a woman who loved another. A reddish drop falls on the frothy white of my hand. I've always been pale for as long as I can remember. I am one of that minority of people who are born with dark hair, pale snow skin, and blood-red eyes. No one knows where this genetic trait comes from, and many accuse us of being monsters, wizards, or representatives of the end of the world. Maybe this is true. Maybe I am a curse? Another reddish drop falls on the palm of my hand. My skin used to be snow-white, but today it has an almost transparent shade that fades into a morbid purple. I am dead. It is a small detail that is important. No matter what I do today... I can't take my own life. Though... I haven't tried the fire yet. Diving in lava or an inferno seems my best hope.
Another red drop? But what is it? I look up at the ceiling, but there is nothing above me. The feeling of something running along my cheek makes me wince, and I crush that thing with the back of my hand. It's liquid, slightly sticky, but not enough to be blood. Although it has the tint of it. I don't know what it is. It is during my questioning that the door opens.
The cigarette smell he gives off tells me about the person approaching my bed. Why? Why him? I don't want to see him. I try to grab my heart as it vibrates strangely. I try to calm myself, I try to control my breathing, but I can't. In my blackened vision, I see his worried face. Let him disappear! My left hand pushes him away. If I spend my time hiding it, it is not for nothing. But never mind. It doesn't matter if my gaunt nails open his skin on several inches. It doesn't matter if my rage makes me growl like an animal. I'm a monster!
- Okay... Okay... Calm down. I brought food. I don't know if you eat or if you need to, but just in case..."
- Why don't you disappear?"
A long silence followed. I wouldn't hide what I am. Not this time! I want him to understand that I am an aberration. I am a horror. A monster. And I raise my red glowing gaze to him.
- I thought a friendly face would do you good."
- Friendly?"
It's more a grunt than a laugh. I don't have any friends. I've never had any. They use me and throw me away like I don't exist. As if I were just a consolation prize. Maybe that's how he sees me, too! Certainly! Cid is as brilliant as Lucrecia was. A man like that can't see me as anything but the failure that I am. A failed experiment, an inferior specimen. A coward. Is that what you see, Cid? I give him a smile, but it's not real at all. My able-bodied hand pushes back the sheets, so he can see the goods. What she has embraced so many times while desiring something else. Who will you think of, Cid, when your body would burn against mine? Your wife? Your colleague? Who? To whom will the genie in your skull turn?
He clears his throat, uncomfortable with the vision I offer him. I don't miss the insistent way his gaze skims along my legs. As if... as if he likes it. But I know it's just an image. A mask. Because I know he has seen my true nature. He has seen my wings. A scholar like him knows what Hojo has brought to life through me. And maybe our red eyes, white skin, and black hair are all that remains of what we once were. When in the darkest hours, first men burned us alive screaming "monsters."
His hand moves towards me. I already know what he is going to do, and it hurts. But his hand lands on the sheet he pulls up over my body. Maybe Cid isn't interested in a man's body. It is the only possible explanation. I giggle, resentful and ashamed. I feel even more insignificant than in Lucrecia's arms. His weight affects the mattress on which he has just taken place. One of his thighs turns towards me so that he can face me, and the sheet wraps around my face. Does he want to kill me? Lucrecia has already tried. I woke up one night with her hands against my neck. I wished for death. With her hands, she would have delivered me from that one-sided love and Hojo's madness, but she had stopped. Certainly realizing Hojo would be furious to lose his toy. And because of that, she would have lost the little esteem he offered her... Cid, I can't die like this anymore. But I let him do it, hoping that for once, fate would not be against me. But... the sheet is not pressed against my airways. It caresses my face, absorbing the reddish liquid that flows from my eyes. Are those tears? What a crazy idea. A monster can't cry! A monster has no feelings. He can't have any more! He swore he wouldn't! As I close my eyes, I feel this liquid burning them. They really are tears, I realize it when my shoulders shake, and finally, the physical manifestation is unstoppable. I am crying. Like all those nights in which only Hojo's name animated her lips when she offered herself to me. I cry like when Hojo told me how she would only love him, even if he hurt her, even if he chased her or killed her. I cry like the day she told me that this child was possibly mine, but that she would make sure only Hojo was the father. I cry like the time she told me I didn't matter. I cry like the day she asked me to help her escape from the lab, but in the end, she was back in Hojo's arms. I cry like that day, yes. That day when I understood that my love would not save her! That all my words, my gestures, my tenderness would not make her understand Hojo was using her, as she was using me. That night, I had cried without interruption because that night, I had heard their lovemaking before Hojo came to torture me until the early morning. I died that night!
- I don't know anything about your life and can only assume what happened to you. There are countless legends about Nibelheim Manor, and I bet half of them are true, or just like it. So I have a vague idea of what you are. Who you are. The man who offered his life and soul for the woman he loved. A sacrifice of flesh and blood. Even in Rocket Town, we count Hojo's creature story."
Creature? Why not Monster? Why is his gaze so warm? Why is he smiling like that? Ha, Vincent! Why do you have to feel hope today? Hojo said so. No one will ever want you. Not even as a friend. Damn you, Vincent! Damn you!
This day did not sound the death knell of the group. Certainly, some people cordially avoid me or speak to me only out of desperation. Yuffie is torn between desires and aversions. Tiffa snubs me. Barret doesn't know what to say to me, and it's not like we have anything to share. Cloud is as quiet as I am, but he never shuns my company. Nanaki likes to spend hours philosophizing with me, even though I don't ask him anything. Perhaps he feels pity for me? Maybe it is because he is not human... whatever! These nights of discussion by the fire are pleasant.
While the others go to bed, Nanaki tells me about his people. I secretly see Yuffie smiling at me, and I was assuredly going to follow her if Cid had not come to settle with us. I blink, surprised that he rolls a cigarette while joking with Nanaki.
- She's too young. Don't let her play with you."
Without saying anything more, after he slips those few words against my neck, Cid returns to his discussion with Nanaki as if nothing had happened.
- Vincent?"
I sigh as I turn back to the kid who smiles at me. Yuffie has a mind of her own, and for the past few weeks, she's been making her plans very clear to me, especially since Cloud has been gently pushing her away. At the same time, I, who was consumed with love for someone who loved in vain, now know how to recognize a heart that cannot love anyone else. No, no one else but Aerith matters to Cloud. He has the chance that I did not have because she accepted it. Their happiness hurts me terribly. Maybe because she looks like her. Her angelic face, her big dark eyes, her long brown hair... that saintly smile... Her ghost continues to imprison me in her web. I feel her. I even sense her fingers closing in on me. Suddenly I jump, because the touch is warm, not cold like Lucrecia's ghost, and it is because it is not her. It is Yuffie who touches me. I know the kind of look she sends me. I am a compensation. Meager compensation because I'm not Cloud.
- Do you want to come to the barn? They're all so busy, and I'm bored. We could..."
- Vince?!"
I didn't hear him coming, didn't even feel him until his arm closed around my neck like a snake. A gust of wind makes me close my eyes as his cigarette smoke blurs my senses. I can't smell Lucrecia's ghostly scent anymore. When he is near me, it seems to evaporate.
- Are you coming? Nanaki will tell us about the old wizards who lived in Nibelheim long before the age of men. I've always wanted to know more about those who lived with the Elders."
- I'm coming."
Yuffie is not disappointed she is angry. Her bitter look tries to change my mind, but his arm drags me with him, away from this new hell that smiles at me without seeing me.
- You're kidding."
- Not at all. Even my own folks say so."
- Tobacco? It's no magic. What the hell!"
- And yet. It's been used for a long period to scare away wandering souls."
- Nonsense!"
He is a man of science. I wonder why he is interested in tales and legends. However, this valuable information turns my full attention to their discussion. Could this be why she doesn't haunt me when I'm with Cid? What if it were true? What if Nanaki was telling the truth and Cid could protect me from her eternal mental torture? Could I use someone too? I look at his profile in the light of the flames. His smile... Cid looks genuine, authentic. He never seems to cheat. He never seems to hide personal motives in what he says or does. He has his dreams, but he hasn't sacrificed the people around him to achieve them. A strange smile tears at my colorless face, and I am suddenly hungry. This unusual sensation leaves me bewildered because I have never eaten again since the day I died. I get up quickly, alerting the two people I was talking to, then melt into the darkness. Hunger? This is not normal. Why would I suddenly be hungry? It's been a long time since I've used my fury, and I'm beginning to fear that... that my diet is made of blood and viscera!
- Hey. Are you okay?"
- Stay away!"
- What's wrong?"
- I'm... I'm hungry."
- I thought..."
- I know what I said!"
- Well, you don't have to get like that... wait."
I watch him out of the corner of my eyes, looking for something in one of the pockets of his aviator suit. He pulls out some kind of paper that makes too much noise and glows slightly in the moonlight.
- I caught this in Costa del Sol. Not the best stuff ever, but it stalls well. I always get one when I'm working and don't have time for a real meal."
His hand hands me the bag. I've never seen this brand. But if it's from the south, I may have never come across it. Can I eat regular food? I hesitate. I grab the noisy bag, not knowing what to do with it for long minutes. It's not like I'm used to food packaging anymore. That this kind of thing seems foreign to me is further proof of my monstrousness! Inside the package, there is a food bar. It looks like the survival rations we had on missions when I was still a Turk. In my memories, I hated it, but it had the proper use to feed a man for a whole day. So I bite into it. It doesn't taste anything. I don't know if it's natural or if I'm not able to experience flavor anymore. After my transformation, Hojo stopped feeding me, and since I didn't feel hungry anymore nor even have the desire to survive through what he was doing to me, I forgot that one day I had to eat to live...
- Do you like it?"
- I'm afraid I'd never been able to love anything this way again."
- Why do you isolate yourself?"
- What if what I needed to survive I took during my furies?"
Cid releases a cloud of smoke, saying nothing. He crosses his arms as his throat makes a funny sound. I wonder if he does this unconsciously when he thinks about certain complex things.
- I see. Indeed, your last fury was a week ago. Everything alive needs a source of energy. It doesn't matter what Hojo did to you. You spend energy. You need a power source to get it back. An engine can't work without a power source. That said, it would be bad to eat your teammates. We'll go wolf hunting in the morning. It's delicious with spices... Tonight we can lock you down into your room if you're afraid of anything."
- A door isn't going to stop me, Cid."
- It's true. Vince, do you trust me?"
Enough to answer yes, without asking me any more questions. I finish the bar and climb back into the Highwind with him. His air of leadership has his men marching. Before I pass even a single corridor, his voice thunders, loud and clear, commanding without delay. No one flinches. The last door closes behind us, leading to nothing but a small room with no exit.
- The door is made of rocket composite. An alloy so sturdy that even a Mako blast is ineffective. The walls are made of the same alloy. This hold was used to store toxic or voluble waste. That's why it's so crucial it can withstand Mako explosions. I need to know one thing. Do you need air? Because the room has no..."
- Nope. When she tried to strangle me the second time..."
I realized I didn't need to breathe. It hadn't even hurt. Anyway, nothing could have hurt me more than her falsely friendly look that seemed to say, I'm doing this for your own good. I wince when Cid's smell becomes heady. I am petrified between his arms as if his touch could kill me. But I know which one of us would be able to kill the other, and I push him away. I still don't know if I feed like the red-eyed monsters of tales and legends.
- Sorry..."
Cid is uncomfortable again, muttering something I don't understand and heading to the back of the room.
- In case the room isn't enough... there's this. But I want to make it clear that it's not a necessity."
Chains. Whatever they stored here, the Highwing is a flying structure. They certainly didn't want the goods to move during transport. I grab one of the heavy chains and pull on it with all my strength, but the metal seems elastic. A strange combination of strength and elasticity that I have never encountered before. I don't like shackles. The memory of Hojo makes my mind reel. The pain of the iron cutting into my flesh until I decide to escape by shearing the skin off my left arm... I shudder as I remember my own terror.
- Vince, this is not relevant"
- Do it."
- Are you sure?"
- You and I don't know how strong I really am, deep down. Better more than not enough."
- Okay."
- Squeeze hard, hard to the point that my only option will be to cut my own flesh."
- Vince..."
- Do as I say!"
This is cold. It's not Lucrecia's arms around me but the steel of Highwind. Somewhere, the reassuring thought that this steel is a part of Cid calms me... The Highwind is his baby. The plans, the design, everything is his! Even this piece. I frown as he squeezes until it hurts, but it's my decision. For once, it's not punishment, it's no torture, it's to protect. I get lost in the memories of agony, but the smell of tobacco brings me back to Cid. I am unable to move, bound like a dangerous load, but Cid strokes my hair like... Lucrecia had done it so many times. It's painful. Don't look at me. Don't look at me like that! Not when I'm a monster! I wait for him to leave. I wait for him to leave me to my fate, but he sits next to me.
- What are you doing?"
- Well, as long as you're conscious, I know I had nothing to dread, don't I? So I'm definitely going to leave this door open because I'm going to need some oxygen. And I'll keep an eye on you. If you change, if you lose consciousness, I'll lock you up. That's a promise."
- You're crazy. Don't you know what they did to me?"
- So far? Not really. And the mere fact that you admit to me that the woman you sacrificed everything for tried to kill you makes me want to vomit. I'm not a good man. But when Shera got trapped in the rocket's reactor... I gave up the mission. And with it, my dreams of infinite space. I may not love this woman as she loves me, but I couldn't sacrifice her. Putting a life before my dreams... I thought it was love. When she asked me to be engaged after that, I didn't know how to say no..."
Cid seems to be giggling, but he doesn't look happy.
- I don't love her like that. But who else could have loved the unworthy being that I am? I prefer heaven to others. I prefer my dreams and my fabrications to the real... Everything is so much more interesting than the real. I don't like people. I find them immature and dull. Since a child, I have had layouts too complex for most people engraved in my brain. I have impossible calculations to solve that heady me.. that obsess me... I am a genius, possibly, but I have never liked the world around me. I always want more. Being confronted with the probable death of the planet made me rethink my priorities. Space? One day I will go into space, possibly. But it's not the stars that matter. It's this. This little group of people that I finally get to like. It's never too late to find your heart. Vince. If you ever want to talk. I'm here."
His hand reaches for my shoulder as he straightens up. Then he goes to ajar the door, so he can breathe and goes back to sit across from me. Close enough that his presence reassures me, but far enough, should I try to hurt him. The smell of his cigarette lights up my mind, and suddenly the words fly out of my tortured mind relating the atrocities Hojo did to me. Confessing this love that destroyed me day after day as she left my arms to go into my tormentor's.
- It's okay..."
Cid cautiously walks towards me, step after step, making sure I'm still there. And when our eyes meet, he caresses my cheeks, wiping away the tears that are flowing. And it doesn't bother him that my tears are blood. He has that same friendly smile, that same caring look. I pull on the chains like a beast. Cid has a backward movement when the chains break under the force of the rage which flows in me. I am afraid to see myself killing him, but... but in his look, I do not see terror or pain. That look is... astonished... circumspect... It is rigid and shocked. Certainly because... because I am kissing him. I, myself, am astonished by this contact. When I transform, I do my worst. My mind disappears, carried away by the awakening monster. But even as my wings whip through the air behind me, I am excruciatingly aware. I am aware of myself. I am... me? I recoil because I've jumped on Cid, and I'm afraid he could avoid me now. I release his body and fall to the ground, on my knees and imploring like so many years before. Don't give up on me. Don't hate me. Even your friendship is enough for me. Even? What is this strange thought? I just kissed Cid. Maybe the answer lies in that fact. I kissed Cid.
- Get out."
No longer able to bear his presence and the awkward silence, I straighten my face at him, showing my sharp teeth.
- Get the fuck out!"
My voice is atrocious. There is nothing human in that sound. And that is what makes the engineer react, suddenly straightening up and backing away toward the exit. I have broken his chains. Cid knows that if I want, I can leave the room, but he closes it. I feel his presence behind the door. Maybe he thinks he can kill me before I go after anyone.