Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

You didn't want a going away party.

And you almost told that to your parents, and if you had told your mom would probably have canceled the event. But you didn't because you knew the party was more for your parents than for you.

Neither your mom nor your dad went to a university, so the fact that you got into one, and one that was one of the best in the country really mattered to them. And it wasn't enough that you got in, it was important to them for the whole neighborhood to know.

And you can let them have that, you can be a good son for one more night.

At the party, people you barely know come to congratulate you and give you helpful tips on college life. Some random person calls you the Pride of Ssangmundong and soon everyone else is saying too. The whole thing is kind of embarrassing.

You're not sure when Gi-hun arrived, only that he was there in the corner of the room talking to his other friends.

You have always been respected and admired by your schoolmates, by their parents and teachers. But people liked Gi-hun more, he was the type who naturally attracted people around him, and he made people feel good when they were with him. This always made you think of moths at night going after any point of light in the dark. And you're no better than them, in this context you're just another moth.

His eyes meet yours and immediately he smiles. And as so many times before this gesture makes your heart skip a beat and you force yourself to remember that there is nothing special about this gesture, Gi-hun is the type of guy who smiles at everyone.

You look away and go back to talking to the grocery store lady about her nephew who also went to college a few years ago.

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An hour passes by and you say you will go to the bathroom, but instead you walk out of the house. And when you're far enough away you light a cigarette.

You’re pretty sure nobody knows you smoke except for Gi-hun, once a few months ago while you two were hanging out he told you he blamed himself for being a bad influence to you in this aspect, after all you started smoking just a month after him. And in some ways he was right, it was because of him, but not quite in the way he thought, it wasn't because he was older and because you wanted to be like him, you never wanted to be like him, you just wanted to know what his mouth tasted like, and you were sure this was the closest you were ever going to get to find out.

You had already decided a long time ago that you were never going to do anything about the the way you felt about him. A little bit because you didn't want to lose him before the time, most days your time together was the only part of the day you really enjoyed. And if he reacted in a bad way or told anyone it would suck.

And if by some miracle he reacted well it wouldn't matter. People say the world is changing about these things, and maybe it is. But not fast enough for you to be able to have this along with all the other things you want from the world. All the things you deserve. 

"Did you run away from your own party?" Gi-hun says pulling you from your thoughts.

You didn't notice Gi-hun approaching, there were times when he could be strangely discreet and quiet when he wanted.

“I just wanted to get some air. To be alone for a moment.”

“Oh. Alright. You want me to go? It's okay if the answer is yes.”

"No, if it's just you I don't mind. I just don't want to be in a room full of people."

"Good! Because I was thinking about celebrating by buying you your first beer! I know technically you aren’t allowed to drink yet, but it's a special occasion.”

You've actually had beer on other occasions, and you didn't care much for it, but you decide not to tell him. 

"I would like that."

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You thought he was only going to buy two cans, but instead he buys a pack. And you two go to the playground where you used to play when you were boys and sit on one of the benches. 

You've always thought your neighborhood playground a bit shabby compared to the playgrounds you saw kids playing on television. But that night the place felt different. It felt like something you would miss someday.

You're about to halfway your first beer with him when he asks:

"So what is Ssangmundong's pride thinking about?"

"That I don't know why people keep calling me that."

"Because they're proud of you. Duh. At least I am."

"Thanks."

"I always knew it was going to be like this."

"Yeah, right."

"Are you doubting me?"

"Yes."

"I can prove it. Remember how when we played on teams I always picked you first?"

Of course you remembered, and you were always a little curious about that. There were boys who were stronger and faster than you. Sometimes you feared it was out of pity, because he could see just how much you wanted him to choose you first.

"Yes I remember."

"Well, I did it because even back then I knew you were the best of us all, the one who would come up with the best strategies. And guess what? I was right."

Later you'll convince yourself that you only kissed him because it was your last day in the neighborhood and soon none of it was going to matter. Just to know once how it felt like, before leaving him behind. 

But as long as you have his mouth on yours you know it's simply because you want him more than any of the bright things that await you in your future.

You're so lost in your desire for this boy that it takes a moment for you to realize he's not just letting you kiss him. He's kissing you back.

You smile against his mouth. And you wish you had done it before, and you wish you could do this forever. And you want him so much you don't understand how you resisted doing this for so long. You think about taking him away with you. You think about staying here to be with him.

You stop the kiss as abruptly as you started.

You get up from the bench and look at him from above.

Gi-hun looks confused and his face is flushed.

You take two steps back because you don't trust yourself to be closer to him without throwing yourself at him now that you know you can.

"That was a mistake. I'm drunk. Please forget what happened."

He still looks confused, but now he also looks sad.

"Okay."

"You can have the rest of the beers, I need to go back to my party."

"Okay." He repeats, and you're not sure if he really heard you.

You walk away and you tell yourself not to look back. But before you leave you disobey that command and see he is still sitting there, in the same place where you left him.

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You don't sleep that night, and the hours seem to pass too fast and too slow at the same time.

Morning arrives and with it the time to go away.

Your father and your mother are finishing loading the bags in the car when Gi-hun appears riding his bicycle and he stops when he reaches you. He's wearing the same clothes he was wearing last night and he looks tired. You're pretty sure you weren't the only one who didn't get any sleep.

It looks like he's going to talk to you, but instead he addresses your father.

"Good morning Mr. Cho, Mrs. Cho. Do you need any help with the bags?"

"No, we're almost done. But thanks for offering." Your father says.

For some reason Gi-hun seems a little disappointed by this.

"Hi." You say.

"Hi...so will your dad take you to your dorm room now?"

"Yeah"

"I thought so."

He looks at you for a second like he wants to say something else. And for a moment you allow yourself to have a bit of hope, though for what you're not sure.

But the moment passes and he just smiles and says:

"I just stopped by to wish you good luck."

"Thanks."

For a moment it looks like he's going to hug you, but instead he just pats you on the shoulder.

"Time to go." your mother says already getting in the car.

You do the same.

And Gi-hun is still standing there looking at you.

All your life you heard that you were special, that you were smarter, that this meant that you were entitled to a better life than those around you, that you deserved more than Gi-hun deserved. And now this life will begin. And he's going to be just another unimportant thing you're going to leave behind in this neighborhood.

"Bye." He says.

"Bye." You say.

He smiles at you, but this time not the way he smiles at everyone. This time his smile looks sad.

You look straight ahead and the car starts to move.

You wonder if he's still standing on the side of the street watching you go away. But this time you don't look back.

Chapter Text

Your mother made you wear a suit to the funeral.

"It's the funeral of your friend’s father, show some respect." she said when you complained.

That made you shut up and just do as she said.

You still couldn't believe that Mr Cho had died. You had heard a while ago your mother comment that Sang-woo's father was sick but you didn't think much about it, people get sick and then they get better. And he didn't look that bad, less than two weeks ago you went to pick up something your mom had ordered from their stall and you saw him talking to another customer that Sang-woo had gotten the best grades in his class last semester. His face looked lively and full of pride that even in that place with the best students in the country his son stood out.

You felt a little proud too, Sang-woo really was as special as you always thought he was.

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Your mother went briefly for the first two days of the funeral, you on the other hand decided to show up only for the third (and last). You said it was because you were working those days, and that wasn't a lie. But the complete truth is that maybe you could have asked to leave early, or go after your shift.

But you didn't, because you knew Sang-woo would be there. Which you knew was particularly stupid considering the fact that you'd spent a good part of the last year wanting to see him, but now the idea of seeing him was making you nervous. As far as you knew Sang-woo hadn't been back to the neighborhood once since the day of his going away party.

You and your mother arrive at the hospital chapel where the funeral was being held and you see him sitting in the corner.

He doesn't seem to have changed much. As far as you can see the only differences are that his hair is a little shorter now and the frames of his glasses were new.

He notices you staring so you give him a little wave. And walks towards him.

"I'm so sorry for your loss." You say when you reach him.

"Thank you."

Your mother gets between you and him and then hugs him.

"Oh dear, is there anything we can do for you?"

"Nothing I can think of, but thank you Mrs. Seong."

"How is your mother?"

"I'm not sure, she's not eating much, I'm a bit worried."

"It's normal at times like this for a person to lose her appetite, but I'll see if I can get her to eat something...Gi-hun keep your friend company in the meantime." she said.

You sat beside him on the bench, your shoulders almost touching. There were people crying in the chapel, Sang-woo wasn't one of them, but there was a certain redness in his eyes that made you sure he was doing it just a short time ago. Although knowing him probably only where no one could see him.

"I liked your father." You say to fill the silence.

"He liked you too."

"Really?"

"Yes, why the surprise?"

"I don't know, sometimes I was afraid your parents thought I was a bad influence on you."

“Maybe if my grades had dropped or if I'd gotten into trouble it would be like that, but since that didn't happen he just liked you. The times he came to visit me at college he always talked about what you and your mother were doing.”

“And about you he talks to the whole neighborhood. I'm sure there aren't any people here who don't know you got the best grades in your class last semester.”

He looks a little embarrassed, but he also smiles slightly.

Sang-woo wasn't the type to smile or laugh a lot, some of the other guys in the neighborhood even said he never smiled. But you knew that wasn't true, and when one of those rare smiles was caused by you it felt like you'd just scored the winning goal in a soccer match, or like a horse you'd bet on had come in first place and you had just won a jackpot. If it was any other occasion that smile would have been enough to make you spend the rest of the day feeling like you were on top of the world.

His smile fades quickly, but he keeps looking at you. And his eyes get that weirdly focused and intense way they get sometimes. Like they once were right before he kissed you.

He gets up from the bench and says:

"I need to talk to the people responsible for the cremation, they still haven't told me what time they're going to pick up the body."

“Oh okay. Do you want me to go with you?”

"No. Stay here, I'll talk to you later.”

He said and left.

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Sang-woo came back soon, but he went to talk to other people. And you do the same. But you keep looking at him sometimes, at this funeral like in every other you've been to before people are drinking but not him and you wonder if this is your fault.

If he thinks the day you made him drink with you was a traumatizing experience, that maybe you took advantage of him in some way. On the night of Sang-woo's going away party you just wanted to talk to him for a bit, remember the past, maybe create another good memory for him to take away from you and the place you two grew up together, buying his first beer seemed like a good way to accomplish that.

And then he kissed you.

And then he stopped kissing you, and then he told you he was drunk even though he didn’t even finished his first beer and for you to forget what had happened.

And then he left.

For you it seemed impossible that Sang-woo had gotten drunk enough to have stopped caring about the gender of the person he was kissing. At least not with just one beer.

In your case you always knew there were boys you wanted to kiss as well as girls. But finding girls you would like to date and who would like to date you seemed easier, and also safer. Sometimes you heard stories about guys getting beaten up for things like that, and you were never that good at fighting. You've even developed a method of getting rid of your attraction when you start to think you're about to start liking some guy for real. The method was to just talk to them and really pay attention to everything they said, and sometimes just half an hour of conversation was enough to kill any thoughts of romance and leave you not understanding what had seemed so special in these boys to begin with.

So far this method has worked on every boy you've tried, except for one.

That night you left the neighborhood playground a few minutes after him, and you went back to your street not sure if you should go back to the party too, probably Sang-woo wouldn't want to see you there. He said it was a mistake and you should forget about it, and he was usually right about things, but not always.

You've seen him make mistakes before, usually because he was so confident in his own intelligence that it blinded him to other possibilities. And you really wanted for this to be one of those times.

The hours passed and you saw one by one the party guests leave and the lights in Sang-woo's house go out. And only then you went home, where you spent the night walking around your room, trying to find the words that would reach him.

In the morning your thoughts seemed even messier than the night before, you went to the kitchen to get some coffee when you saw through the window right down the street that Sang-woo and his parents were already putting their bags in the car.

You ran down the stairs and got on your bike and rode really fast to get to him before he got in the car.

And you reached him, only to realize that you still had no idea what to do next.

If your life were one of the romantic dramas your mother likes to watch or one of those american movies this would be the moment you would kiss him. But you couldn't do that at seven in the morning in the middle of the street in front of his parents and all the other people who were starting to open their businesses. So you just made small talk, first to his parents and then to him. That morning Sang-woo looked sleepy and shy. And he kept looking at you like he was waiting for something.

You looked at him and thought to say: Please give me a chance, I know I'm not good enough, but I'll try to be for you from now on.

But even in your head the words sounded ridiculous, pathetic and most important: untrue. Every time you dated someone you started out wanting to be the best boyfriend in the world, but in reality you just weren't, you always ended up making stupid mistakes that hurt people who deserved better.

And you're not like him. You are not smart or skillful. Luck is the only way you can envision yourself getting something worthwhile in this life, and luck comes as easy as it goes away. And he was probably right, better forget what had happened, you would never be good enough to deserve him.

So you just wished him good luck. You watched him go and then you went back home, laid in your bed and slept for fifteen hours.

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You and your mother returned home after the men responsible for the cremation showed up to get the body.

You watch some movie on the tv but finds yourself unable to pay much attention to the plot, your mind keeps turning to the image of Sang-woo's mother's face as she saw the coffin being carried away, and Sang-woo beside her holding her hand trying to be strong but at the same time looking so lonely and lost.

If it were you in the same position you are not sure how you would react. Your father divorced your mother when you were young, and at first he still came to see you on the weekends, but pretty quickly it became a once a month occurrence. Now, some years he remembers to call you on your birthday to congratulate you, and other years he doesn’t.

You always tell yourself it doesn't matter, at least you have a good mother who loves you even though you're not a good son most of the time. But maybe it was better this way, maybe it could be considered lucky not to have something that would hurt you so much to lose?

After the movie ends your mother puts a tray of food in your hands and tells you to take it to Sang-woo's house.

He answers the door and looks kind of surprised to see you on the other side.

“Hey, my mom made this for you and your mom. Please accept." You say and put the tray in his hands.

"Thank her for me."

"I will."

You are about to return home when he says:

"Get in."

And you do what he says.

Inside you watch him put food on a plate and take it to his mother's room while you wait in the living room.

When he comes back you ask:

"Your mother won't eat in the living room?"

"She said she wants to be alone for a while."

“Oh. Okay. That makes sense. You probably want to be alone too, I’ll show myself out.”

"I don’t want to be alone."

You think you understand what he is asking.

“I can stay a little longer. Tomorrow I have to go to work, but now I’m not doing anything. What do you want to do?"

"I don't-um, maybe play some video games?"

"Yeah, sounds good." You say heading towards his room.

Sang-woo was one of the first neighborhood kids to get a video game console as a gift from his parents on his thirteenth birthday. You and some other friends from school sometimes came to play after class. But you were the only one he invited to sleep over on weekends and spend the whole night playing. When other boys were present you usually played Street Fighter, but when it was the two of you alone it was almost always Mario Bros, with each one playing a level while the other watched. Sometimes it was more fun when there were a lot of people, but somehow you liked it better when it was the other way.

You decide to play Mario Bros again, and for the first time you are sure that you made the right choice by not saying anything on the day he left, that if you had insisted you would have made uncomfortable for him to be around you, which would mean that you couldn't have these moments of uncomplicated friendship.

Playing with him again feels good, feels like maybe there's a chance to get back to the way things were before. 

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You don't remember falling asleep, just that you were waiting for Sang-woo to pass the next level and deciding to close your eyes for a second just to rest them a bit. 

It's dark in the room now, and the television is off, all you can hear is Sang-woo's muffled breathing. You think maybe he's having a nightmare until you hear a groan escape his lips. 

Your cheeks start to burn when you realise what he is doing. 

You start to get hard listening to him. You're pretty sure the best thing to do is pretend you're asleep, just let him finish alone.

You open your eyes and turns towards him.

You notice that he isn’t wearing his glasses and that he wasn’t looking at the wall or at some porn magazine while he was touching himself, but at you.

He looks scared and embarrassed. He looks like he's about to apologize when you put a finger over his lips and whisper:

"It’s okay. Let me help you."

You take your finger out of his lips slowly, he looks at you for a moment and then nods. 

You kiss him and this time you try to memorize how he feels, the last time you spent most of the kiss just trying to process what was going on. This time you enjoy yourself. You slide your hands up to his crotch and for the first time hold a cock that doesn't belong to you. And you start moving your hand.

You're not sure if you got the rhythm right, but Sang-woo seems to be enjoying what you're doing so you keep going. You kiss him a few more times, on his mouth and on his neck, you nibble his ear and taste the sweat on his neck. He comes in your hand.

You wipe off the mess on the sheet under you.

He's still breathing hard as he rolls on top of you, and starts kissing you like he wants to devour you. His hands go to your pants and start pulling them down.

"You don’t have to do this. I’m fine." You say.

Sangwoo looks almost offended for a moment and then quite serious says:

"I'm not selfish."

You actually thought he was a little selfish sometimes, but you're pretty sure this isn't the right time to argue about it.

You thought he was just going to jerk you off like you did him, but instead he starts moving downward, and without any sign of hesitation puts your cock in his mouth.

Your last ex girlfriend sometimes did that for you too after you went down on her, you always felt a little guilty because she kept choking during. Sang-woo doesn't choke however, and he seems to really know what he's doing, to the point where you're pretty sure this isn't something new for him.

It feels really good, but something in your heart hurts thinking about him doing this to others, probably guys he'd met in college who were as smart as he was and were going to have big futures working in fancy offices. For a moment you feel a deep hatred for everyone at that university, everyone except him.

You come faster than your usual and he swallows it all.

You think maybe he's going to kiss you again, and you're going to taste a little bit of yourself in his mouth. But he doesn't do that, he just says:

"You should try to go back to sleep, it's quite late."

“Oh. Okay. I will."

He lies down with his back to you. You follow his example and do the same.

"Good night Sang-woo." You say.

"Good night Gi-hun."

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When you wake up again, it's light outside, and Sang-woo isn't lying beside you, he's already on his feet.

"Good Morning." You say.

"Good Morning."

"So what are you-"

"I need to make my bed, could you get up?" he says interrupting you.

"Sure."

For a moment you think maybe last night was just a wet dream, it wouldn't be the first you've had about him, but then Sang-woo pulls back the covers and you both see a stain on the sheet where you wiped your hand after masturbating him. 

"I'm sorry." You say.

"It's fine. I can take it to wash in my dorm laundry" Sang-woo says without looking you in the eye.

He takes the sheet off the bed and puts it in his backpack.

"You should leave, you have to go to work this morning, right?" he says.

"Yes I have. Thank you for reminding me.”

He accompanies you to the entrance.

"Bye then." You say.

"Gi-hun."

"Yes?"

"I-thank you for last night."

"My mother made the food, I just brought it."

"I wasn't talking about-" he starts and then stops and laughs softly shaking his head "Just thank her for me."

"Okay I will."

"Bye."

"Bye."

You start walking to your house and you place a bet with yourself. You put your life in the hands of fate, let lady luck decide as you've done so many times before: You'll take another ten steps and then you'll look back and if he's still there you'll run to him and this time when you reach him won’t hesitate.

One. Two. Three.

Four. Five. Six.

Seven. Eight. Nine.

Ten.

You take a deep breath and look back.

And you find the door already closed.

Chapter Text

"She looks so beautiful, don't you think?" your mom says right after the ceremony starts. You two are far enough away from the altar to be able to talk at a low volume without this act disrupting the ceremony. Still you would rather she didn’t. 

"No more than any other bride." You say.

"Sang-woo don't be rude."

"I didn't say she looks ugly, just that she looks as beautiful as most brides do on their wedding day."

"Still, it sounded kinda rude."

"That wasn’t my intention."

“Anyway, I still think she looks lovely. I liked that they chose to wear traditional clothes instead of going with a western style ceremony you young people like to do lately. And Gi-hun also looks very good in his hanbok, don't you think?”

You pause a moment before saying:

"Yes, he does."

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On the day you received the wedding invitation you went to the shop Gi-hun and his future wife had made their wedding registry and bought the most expensive item from the list.

Looking from the outside this action could be seen as a testament to your success and generosity, that you could give a gift like that to someone you haven't been around regularly for years like it was no big deal.

None of these assumptions would be correct.

You don't consider yourself successful, not yet anyway. It's true that after you graduated from college you were hired by a reputable company, and started earning a salary that would impress most people in your old neighborhood. But what they don't know is that a good portion of your salary goes to paying the student debts you acquired to get the education that allowed you to get the job you have now. And that your salary isn't all that much when you consider all the other extra expenses you have to be on the same level as your co-workers, to not be seen as inferior to those who grew up with all the advantages you lacked. Expensive clothes, a good car, lunches at restaurants and nights taking clients to bars. You deem all those necessary costs, part of networking and creating a professional image that would ease your way into success. Into one day finally having the life you deserve. But that day hasn't come yet, and there have been a few months when there was hardly enough money left to pay the rent.

And your purchase was not motivated by generosity, but because you wanted Gi-hun's fiancée to ask who exactly was this guy was who had spent so much money on them.

You wanted your name in his mouth when he spoke to her. Although why this was so important to you, you weren't even sure.

Maybe it was a bit of a punishment, it seemed tacky to invite a former lover to see one marry someone else. But you think he probably doesn’t think of you this way, maybe he was one of those guys who thought what you guys did the night after your father’s funeral didn't count as real sex. Who knows maybe he didn't even remember that night. Or maybe he remembers as the time he had pity sex with his childhood friend whose father had just died, not really a lover, just someone he helped out one night several years ago.

The next day you regretted your purchase, but it was too late to take back.

You sent the invitation back saying that unfortunately you would not be available to attend that day. And told yourself to forget about it.

It should have been easy to carry out this command, you still thought about Gi-hun from time to time, but a lot less than you used to think. Some days you’re almost sure that you've completely gotten over him and that the reason he still keeps coming back to your thoughts sometimes is not because you have feelings for him, but because thinking about him is an annoying habit, something automatic. Just a name and a face to fill the space between your thoughts that really matter.

And yet in the month that separated the date of the invitation's arrival and the date of the ceremony he kept appearing in your thoughts with a frequency that hadn't occurred in years. Probably not since the month after your father passed away.

You had set two strict rules for yourself after the day of the funeral: never speak to Gi-hun in a private place, and never speak to him for more than five minutes. The morning after the funeral you realized something about him, Gi-hun was the type who would let you take anything you wanted from him regardless of that being what he really wants or what’s best for him, and you don't trust yourself enough not to take all he offers in a moment of weakness. So establishing rules was necessary to protect him as well as yourself.

Avoiding him completely was not possible, after your father died you felt a greater responsibility to visit your mother more often and help her when she needed it, and Gi-hun was always in the neighborhood. And even if you chose to go visit mostly on the hours when he was working inevitably you saw him a few times over the years, but each time you followed both rules, and there were no more incidents. 

But since the wedding invitation you’ve found yourself thinking about him to a bothersome degree. 

So when your mother, who had also been invited, said that the cousin she was planning to go with could no longer attend, you said you would go with her. Partly because you know how much she hates going to events like this alone, but also for yourself. Maybe seeing him marry someone else was precisely what you needed to get over him for good.

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You try to memorize the image in front of you. Burn it deep into your mind. A picture that would be worth more than the thousands of words you've said to yourself over the years. If at any point Gi-hun had been a viable option, he stopped being now.

As your mother said Gi-hun looked good wearing a hanbok, you wonder if he rented or bought one for the occasion. And Gi-hun's bride looks happy, and you're sure she must feel loved holding his hands as they pronounce their vows and exchange matching golden rings.

Sometimes you think about getting a wife just for appearances, a nice beard to have in your arms during company events. Perhaps even someone who would benefit in the same way you would from such an arrangement. But there's something about the idea of actively lying about who you are, rather than merely omitting it, that seems a bit repulsive to you. And on a more practical side, even a marriage of convenience would bring additional costs that you can't afford right now.

The ceremony was over and you, your mother and the rest of the guests went to the hall where the wedding reception was to be held. You're looking for your table when suddenly there's a hand on your shoulder, and even without looking you somehow know it belongs to the groom.

"Sang-woo! I thought you weren't coming. In the invitation you replied that you wouldn't be available today." Gi-hun says.

“There was a change of plans. I came as my mom’s plus one, I didn't crash or anything if you're worried."

He laughs. 

“Even if you had, it would be okay. It's good to have you here.” he says and gives you that smile that always makes your heart skip a beat, the one that was so big, so sincere and so him.

It distracts you so much that you only notice the bride approaching when she is practically in front of you.

“Darling what are you doing here? Our table is up front.” she says gently.

“I know, I just came to talk to a friend. Speaking of which, let me introduce you: This is Cho Sang-woo, he's one of my best childhood friends. And Sang-woo this is Eun-ji, my wife."

"The one who went to Seoul University?" she asks. 

"Yes! That one. Ssangmundong's pride."

"It’s a pleasure to meet you."

Gi-hun's wife has beautiful eyes, she seems like a nice person, and you hate her with every fiber of your being.

"The pleasure is all mine." you say.

"We'd love to talk to you later, but I'm afraid I have to take Gi-hun now."

"Go ahead. He's all yours."

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You and your mother find your table quickly after that, and soon dinner is served. After it’s over, people start dancing.

"I wonder when it will be your turn." your mother says.

"I don’t like to dance."

"I'm talking about you getting married."

"It will happen when I meet the right person."

"Well, I hope it happens soon."

"Why? Do you already want grandchildren?"

"It would be nice to have grandchildren, but it's really because I worry about you. It doesn't do a person any good to spend their life alone."

"I'm not spending my life alone, I have you, don't I?"

"Of course you do, but one person could never be enough...you do have friends at work, or friends in general, right?"

The question takes you by surprise. You have coworkers that you sometimes talk to during work hours, you have some fuckbuddies that you see semiregularly, you have clients that you have a friendly relationship with. But you're not sure if any of these relationships fall into the friend category.

"Why are you asking these questions?"

"Because I worry about you."

"You don't have to, I'm fine."

"Gi-hun seemed happy to see you."

"Gi-hun always looks happy."

"Maybe you could spend more time with him, maybe ask if his wife has any single friends to introduce you to."

"I have no interest in having dates arranged for me."

“Well, even without that, it would be nice if you talked to Gi-hun more. I know you have your job and your responsibilities, but he's a good friend who cares about you. Unfortunately, people usually don't find many of these in their lifetime. Your dad always said you always seemed happier after spending time with him."

"All people are happier when they are kids. It's not about Gi-hun being in my life or not."

"Yes but-"

"I need to go to the bathroom, I'll be back soon." You said getting up, hoping that when you came back she forgot what you two were talking about.

When you see yourself in the mirror above the sink you are surprised by how you look. When you saw yourself in the mirror before you went to pick up your mom you looked good, handsome even, you had chosen one of your best suits for the occasion. Now although your clothes are still impeccable your face looks exhausted, you can't remember ever looking so tired and you're pretty sure you can't blame the bathroom fluorescent lights for that, at least not exclusively. And only then do you realize you feel as tired as you look. It was a mistake to come.

You wash your face and hands in the sink, dry them with a paper towel, and return to your table.

Before your mother has the time to say anything, you say:

“I'm not feeling well, and I have to work tomorrow morning. Is it okay if we go now?”

"Are you well enough to drive?"

"Yes."

"Shall we say goodbye to the bride and groom?"

"Better not, they look busy."

.

.

.

You're almost in your car when you hear someone calling your name across the parking lot.

Gi-hun reaches you and says:

"Are you leaving already?"

"Yes."

"But we haven't even cut the cake yet. At least stay long enough for the cake, it's strawberry flavoured. You’ve always liked strawberries."

"I have to work in the morning."

Gi-hun takes a deep breath and then says:

"Fine. Anyway, it was good to see you. Thanks for coming, I know you're very busy."

"I'm sorry Hyung."

"It’s okay, I understand."

"Goodbye. And congratulations on your wedding. I wish you all the happiness. I forgot to tell you earlier.”

To your surprise Gi-hun hugs you. He smells just like you remember, and you wonder if he also still tastes the same. You're pretty sure that starting tomorrow you're going to add a third rule about not touching him. But this is a rule to be implemented in the future, right now you just allow yourself to enjoy.

"Thank you." he says as he let go of the hug. 

For a few seconds it looks like he's going to say something else, but then he seems to notice for the first time that your mother is there too and says:

"You too Mrs. Cho, thank you for coming."

"It was a beautiful ceremony.” your mom says.

"Bye." You say, and get in the car.

"Bye." Gi-hun says.

You expect your mother to say something about what she just saw, but contrary to your expectations she remains uncharacteristically quiet.

From your car's rear-view mirror you see Gi-hun walking back to the wedding reception.

You drive away thinking that maybe one day you'll get over it, get over him. But that day hasn't come yet.

Chapter Text

You watch the car drive away feeling a little defeated.

When you risk something you almost always imagine the best result. Generally people talk about this kind of optimism as a good thing. But there was the downside of optimism which is what you feel when reality fails to live up to your expectations.

And in this case you really thought you could convince Sang-woo to stay a little longer. It wasn't like you were asking too much of him. But you should have expected it to be like this. Whether it's time, affection, or anything else Sang-woo only gives you as much as he wants to give, no more, no less. And he rarely changes his mind.

He really could be a bit of an asshole sometimes. And yet you wish he had stayed.

But at least for once he seemed genuinely to feel bad about having to go. And he looked so sad while wishing you happiness that it made something in your heart ache.

You go back to your wedding reception and put a smile on your face before facing the rest of the guests.

It's not that hard, this is still a happy day, you got married, you have a wife. You still can't believe it, all of this sounds so grown-up.

You go to your wife, and kiss her as soon as you reach her.

"Where were you?" she asks.

"I just went to say goodbye to Sang-woo, he decided to leave early."

"Is he okay?"

“Yeah, he just had to work early tomorrow. He is very busy.”

"Did you have a chance to talk with him about the gift?"

You had completely forgotten.

.

.

.

On the day you and your fiancée, now wife, went to make the wedding registry, one of the store employees gave each of you a barcode reader and told you to pass in the codes of the products you were interested in and these would be automatically added to the list. And it had been fun walking through the sections of the store with your hand in hers, imagining all those new things in the apartment that you would soon share. But it was almost closing time and there were still items to be added. So Eun-ji suggested that you guys split up. You were on your way to the appliance section to choose a blender when you stopped for a moment at the electronics section. And there without thinking too much you put this big, expensive television on the list.

You had put television sort of as a joke, just because it looked cool and shiny, you always played video games on small screens, and you imagined it would be fun to play on a big tv with all the new image settings and high definition that the box said that model had. More because you wanted to imagine what it would be like to have that object than out of hope that you would actually get to have it.

But then a week later, when you stopped by the store to see if anything on the list had been purchased already, the first item checked was the tv.

Your first reaction was to get excited. But that stopped when you saw the expression on your Eunji's face, she looked confused.

When you explained that you had put the television on, her confusion seemed even bigger, she pointed out that this particular model was way too big for the living room of the apartment where you two were going to live. And it seemed almost obscene to spend so much money on something so unnecessary.

She asked the store manager if it would be possible to exchange the tv for other products of equal value. And he said that unfortunately as the purchase was made using someone else's credit card, that option was not available.

Only then did you ask who the buyer was.

Despite everything, you still smiled when the manager said the name Cho Sang-woo.

Later when you left the store, you said:

"I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize. I just wish you had told me you had this rich friend, because if you had told me we could have picked some items that we really need to put on the registry for him to choose, instead of this thing that will barely fit in our living room."

Over the next few weeks Eun-ji stopped by the store a few more times, she read some of their shopping policies to try to find a way to exchange the television for other items. This didn't surprise you too much, she was generally very determined and focused, and she was smart enough to read all that regulation jargon that to you seemed pure nonsense. Sometimes you think maybe you have a type and that type is nerds. Other times you think maybe you are someone who gets immediately attracted to anyone who has characteristics that you think lack in yourself. And she had a lot of those.

And with this effort, she managed to find a solution, it would be possible to achieve what she wanted, it would only be necessary for the original buyer to go to the store to sign some papers. And now all you had to do was ask Sang-woo to do that the next time you guys met.

.

.

.

"Did you speak with him?" she repeats.

"I forgot."

"That’s okay, you can call him tomorrow."

“I don't want to ask this of him. Sang-woo already bought us this expensive thing. And then, as a thank you, are we going to make him have to go back to the store and go through all this bureaucracy? It seems ungrateful.”

She looks a little disappointed, but takes a deep breath and says:

"Fine, maybe we can try to resell. Or maybe just keep it for when we live in a bigger place."

"Yes."

"Which one, resell or keep?"

"Whatever option you prefer."

You can almost read her thoughts, that what she would really prefer was for you to just talk to Sang-woo. But she didn't say it, and you were so grateful for that.

You hug her and she feels small and soft in your arms, she feels so different from him. You wish you could hold her forever, but the problem is that you wanted the exact same thing when you hugged him in the parking lot mere minutes ago.

You think how in the movies when a person falls in love, all feelings for people from the past seem to disappear, or at least cease to matter. Maybe for some people it really is like that, but not for you.

You love her and yet you crave for him.

You want to be a good husband, and yet the moment Sang-woo was in front of you without thinking your legs began to move towards him and away from her. And you know you're so lucky you only saw that he was there after the ceremony was over, because otherwise you wouldn't have resisted looking at him a few times during the ceremony even though you knew that on this occasion your eyes should be only for her. Just to see the expression on his face, if he was feeling anything or if for him this was a day like any other.

You see this as another weakness to a very long list of personal failings, if you were a better man you would love her in a better way.

"Do you wanna dance?"

"Yes."

You dance with your wife, and although Sang-woo is still in your mind, you don't mention his name out loud for the rest of the day.

Chapter Text

You hate your clients sometimes.

You have a beautiful office, with air conditioning and some of the most comfortable chairs available on the market. The ideal place to discuss finances and business in general, and yet there were still those who insisted on avoiding such a location in favor of restaurants, bars, golf courses to discuss business. Or on that particular day a betting house.

The place is noisy, full of people, and worst of all: hot. Just five minutes in this place and you're already starting to feel sweat starting to collect on your forehead. And no sign of your client so far.

You look for him among the animated men in front of the screens showing the races when you see Gi-hun in front of one of them, talking to one of the other men present.

It had been a while since you last saw him. He still lived in Ssangmundong but now on another street a bit far from the one where you two had grown up, so your random encounters when you went to visit your mother had diminished considerably.

Your cell phone vibrates and on the screen there's a message from your client saying he's going to be twenty minutes late. You are about to turn around when Gi-hun sees you. He smiles, waves and starts walking towards you.

"This is the last place I would expect to see you." he says.

In some ways the same goes for you, you know Gi-hun bets regularly, he had started this habit since his teens, but that particular location was far from Ssangmundong.

“A client asked me to meet him here. He just told me he's going to be late.”

"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want me to keep you company until he arrives?”

Spending more than twenty minutes in his presence was against your personal rules, but in that context it felt okay, it was hard to imagine anything remotely romantic happening in the middle of the betting house's chaos.

"Sure, why not?"

You sit on one of the available benches, and he sits besides you. 

"So what are you doing so far away from Ssangmundong?" You ask.

“Oh, you see, my mom doesn't like it when I bet, and whenever I do it close to home someone tells her. So I've been coming here lately.”

"And your wife? What does she think?”

“She just doesn't like it when I lose. But my mother even when I win she keeps nagging me.”

"How is Eunji?"

“She is fine, better than fine even. She got a promotion at work, it didn't surprise me, she's very smart. If all goes well, one day I'll have a bunch of little geniuses running around our house.”

"Do you want kids already?"

"No, not yet. Eunji thinks it's better to wait a few years until things are a little more financially stable.”

"Makes sense."

"Oh I think the run I betted on will start, let's go see it.” 

You follow him to the front of one of the screens showing horse racing.

"Come on number fifteen, come on, come on." he mutters to himself, his eyes glued on the screen. 

And as soon as the advertiser confirms that number fifteen won that race, Gi-hun jumps in the air with both fists up as if he were a runner who had just won gold in an Olympic race.

You think this is a rather ridiculous reaction and yet you find yourself smiling at his exaggerated celebration. He was also like that when you were kids and he won something, anything. Sometimes playing with him you were tempted to lose on purpose just to see what reaction he would have to winning. Your pride never allowed you to do that, losing was something that happened, but losing on purpose felt silly, but still the temptation had been there.

Gi-hun holds your shoulders and says:

"Sang-woo I won!"

"I noticed. Congrats."

"Let me buy you something to celebrate my victory! Whatever you want to eat, my treat."

"You don’t need to do that."

“I know I don't need to. But I want to. Come on, it's not every day I have extra money. And I think you brought me luck, it's been a few weeks since I won anything.”

.

.

.

You argued with Gi-hun that you couldn't go anywhere with him as you were still waiting for your client, but he managed to get you to agree to go to the ice cream shop in front of the betting house.

Now you sit at the table leaning against the window that allows you to see the movement of the betting house, when Gi-hun arrives from the counter, carrying two sundaes, one in each hand.

"You still like strawberries, right?" he asks.

"Yes I do."

"Good, after I placed the orders I started to think that maybe your taste had changed."

"It hasn't."

He sits in front of you and for a while just watches you eat without touching his own sundae.

"Aren't you going to eat too?"

"Oh yeah. Of course." 

He eats a little and then asks:

"Are you on your work hours now?"

"Yes, technically."

“Do you often go to other places while you’re working?”

“Sometimes. Why?” 

“Nothing, I was just thinking it must be fun being able to do that. At the factory, sometimes the hours seem to take so long to pass."

"For some people it's probably fun."

"But you would not be one of them?”

“In some ways...forget it. You'll think I'm complaining for no reason.”

"You can complain if you want, I won't think less of you for it. I don’t mind hearing you vent."

You've heard similar things before, but there's something about him that makes you believe he really means it. And you decide to accept his offer.

"I guess, when I was young I really believed that adulthood would be more of a meritocracy than it really is. I thought that being the smartest and hardest working person in the room was the way to get the best things, but it only really works that way at school and university. In practice I keep seeing these people who are way worse at the job than me getting ahead because people just like them better and prefer to work with them because of that. And I accept that that's part of how this game is played, I do the social part, I take my clients to bars and host clubs and everything else that's expected, and now I'm better at it than I was in the beginning, but in the end I'm just not the type of guy people want to have a beer with, and it's frustrating to get behind because of something that shouldn’t matter. You would probably be better at this part of the job than I am.”

Gi-hun seems to consider your words for a moment, then he says:

“I understand why that would frustrate you, but I wouldn't be so sure that the way you see yourself is what others see when they look at you, maybe people like you more than you realise. I for one would like to take you out for a beer again one of these days.”

After saying that you can practically see him remembering by the change in his expressions what happened the one and only time you guys drank beer together.

Gi-hun laughs, clearly a little embarrassed.

“I didn't mean it that way. And don't worry, if I took you out for beer with me I wouldn't try to kiss you or anything.”

You don't know if it's a conscious action or not, but Gi-hun touches his wedding band after saying this.

"Gi-hun, I was the one who kissed you that night."

“I remember that, I also remember that you were the one who stopped kissing me. You know, I spent the next few months after that thinking that maybe it was because I was a bad kisser. I even went to do some opinion polls because of you.”

"What?"

“I went up to all the girls I kissed before I could find, and I asked their opinion on how they would rate my kissing abilities. Some were not happy to see me or wanted to help me with my research, but in the end I generally got positive reviews about my skills in this area, although maybe it was just because they wanted me to leave and saying yes was the easiest way to get that.”

To your surprise you find yourself laughing.

"You have a really mean sense of humor, laughing at my months of anguish." Gi-hun says full of fake outrage, but you can see he's pleased by your reaction. He always liked to make other people laugh.

"It's the way you tell."

"Course it is. You know, even today sometimes I get a little paranoid that I'm bad at kissing because of you.”

“You shouldn’t. I didn't stop kissing you that night because you were a bad kisser."

"So why did you?"

You never thought you'd be able to casually talk about that night, especially not with him. Maybe you can do it now because probably for him everything feels far enough away to be able to joke about it, he's a married man now and what he had with you is just a story of sexual experimentation from his youth. And you think he's probably right. It had been nearly ten years since that day.

And yet that's a question you don't feel ready to answer, maybe you'll never be ready.

"Can we change the subject?" You say.

Gi-hun looks kind of disappointed for a second, but then he just smiles and says:

"Sure, but first, can I ask a different question more or less related to this?"

"You can ask, but I don't guarantee I'll answer."

"All right."

"So what's your question?"

"Was I your first kiss?"

"Of course."

"Really?"

"You shouldn't be surprised, you knew I didn't date anybody in high school."

"You could have kissed someone from your school and not told me."

“Maybe I could. But I didn’t.”

He smiles.

"That’s nice. I like that I was your first, that means you'll probably never forget me.”

Gi-hun had said some stupid things to you over the years, but never one of this magnitude. Did he really think there were any circumstances that would make you forget about him?

Your phone vibrates and a message appears from your client asking where you are. Maybe that could be considered luck, it would be way too easy for you to say something to Gi-hun you'd regret later, and yet you felt kind of disappointed.

You were actually having fun, and that's not something that happens that often.

“I have to go, my client has arrived. Thank you for the sundae.”

"You're welcome. Thanks for your company."

Chapter Text

It takes you twenty minutes to get to the building where Sang-woo lives.

Of these twenty minutes, twelve were spent on the subway from Ssangmundong to Seoul city center and eight minutes walking around to find his building. Only twenty minutes. It feels so bizarre, since he had moved out of the neighborhood you started to think of him as being so far away, like he was on the other side of the world, like he was basically unreachable.

Just twenty minutes and you could see him.

On this particular moment is quite convenient, but still it feels wrong somehow.

You press the number of his apartment on the building intercom, but the voice that comes out doesn't belong to him.

"Who is it?" says the voice of a man you don't know.

"Hi, does Cho Sang-woo live there?" you ask.

"Yes, wait a minute."

You hear the noise in the background of the man calling Sang-woo and then of them briefly discussing something unintelligible in the background.

"Who is it?" Sang-woo asks.

“Hey. It's Gi-hun from Ssangmundong. Can I see you? It’s important."

He pauses for a moment before saying:

"Yes. Wait there.”

You thought Sang-woo would just press the button that would open the door for you to go up, you were a bit curious to see the place he lived, but it's probably for the best that he didn't. You don't want to see the other man in his apartment, you don't want this guy's first impression of you to be that you're someone who regularly shows up to ask money from Sang-woo rather than someone who is doing this for the first time.

And you wouldn't be here if you had any other options. You tried every friend or acquaintance before you went to him, everyone you had asked for money over the years. And none of them had any money to give you.

You felt awful when you went to his mother to ask for his address. You're not a proud man, but every time you've been broke before you've managed to avoid going to him. Maybe you could have just called him, but you weren't sure if that would work. Over the past few years you've learned that borrowing money worked so much better in person than over the phone, it was much harder for someone to say no when they could see the desperation in your eyes. You always wanted Sang-woo to admire you, or at least respect you. If he still feels any of those things for you, it probably ends today.

When Sang-woo appears his hair is a little wet and he is wearing a white long-sleeved cotton shirt and gray sweatpants. You realize it's the first time you've seen him without a suit since the '90s. You wonder if the man in his apartment gets to see him like this regularly. 

"Gi-hun, what are you doing here?" he asks.

On the way there you had planned a long speech about the circumstances that led you to need to borrow so much money, and how in many ways it wasn't really your fault and how you were going to pay him back as quickly as possible. But in front of him all your carefully chosen words disappear, leaving you with only the ugly truth on the tip of your tongue.

“My wife gave me money this morning to pay our rent and electricity. I thought I could turn that money into more money by betting and I ended up losing everything. Can you lend me enough to pay my bills, please?”

You know this is not a good proposition, it makes you look as guilty as you are. Sang-woo looks at you for a few seconds and then says:

"I will help you this time, but this can't become a regular thing, alright?"

"Yes." You say.

But for a second you think: Why not? You have so much more money than the rest of us, what does it cost you to help me out a little? I was the one who took you to school every day on my bike, you ungrateful bastard.

But immediately you feel embarrassed by these thoughts. Sang-woo owes you nothing. Even taking him to school had been more for your own benefit than his.

Maybe not in the beginning when you were just kids studying at the same place and his parents asked your mom if you could go with him to school just to make sure nothing happened to him on the way there. You really liked the idea when they presented it that way, at the time you thought Sang-woo was unbelievably cute with his little glasses and his oddly serious ways, kind of like a cartoon owl, so different from all the other boys in the neighborhood and you really liked the idea of serving as his protector.

But by the time you guys started studying at different schools he didn't need any protection from anything, and there were other ways for him to get to school, he could take the bus or even walk, it wasn't that far. But there was no other way for you to find an excuse to spend a little bit of each day with him.

You still feel surprised that he never questioned why you did this, of course for a few years you had the excuse of his school being on the way to the tech school you attended, but even after you graduated you kept showing up in front of his house every morning to take him to school, and a few hours later in front of his school to take him back home.

You used to think that it was inevitable that at some point Sang-woo would ask you why you did this, he was always so good at noticing patterns and deducing motivations. But in this one case he never noticed, or at least never asked. And while that was exactly what you wanted, this was a victory whose only resulting prize was melancholy.

To this day when you take a turn while riding a bike you remember the weight of his hand on your shoulder to make sure he wouldn't fall over. And sometimes you can almost feel him hugging your waist from behind and resting his chin on your shoulder as you ride, though that never really happened, it was just something you've spent so much time thinking about, that now felt more like a memory than something you fabricated inside your head.

.

.

.

Rather than withdrawing the money and giving it to you, Sang-woo asks if you have the bills with you so he can pay straight from the ATM. Only when he hands you the payment receipts do you realize he asked to do it this way because he doesn't trust you not to lose everything gambling again if he gave you money directly.

But in addition to the receipts he puts a couple of bills in your hand, probably because he realizes that without these you wouldn't have enough money to go home.

"Thank you. Really. You probably just saved my marriage.”

He remains quiet for a few seconds before just saying:

"You're welcome...my mom told me you had a baby." he says.

“I did, her name is Ga-yeong. She was the only good thing that happened this year...things haven't been going well since I was fired from the factory. I'm pretty sure if it weren't for the baby my wife would have left me.”

You can see he doesn't know how to answer that, and really who could blame him, you know you're oversharing and making him uncomfortable, and yet you go on:

"Actually, even before I was fired from the factory things weren't going so well, at the beginning of the year we had this huge fight and she accused me of having an affair with this friend who worked at the factory with me."

That day had been so weird, you never thought she had any suspicions about you not being exclusively attracted to women. To this day you still have no idea what it was that made her realize. 

"Did you?" Sang-woo asks.

“No,” and if it were anyone else but him you would end up here, but because it's him you go on, “I thought about it, but I didn't. That's what counts, right?”

"Yes."

You don't remember much of the time when your father still lived together with you and your mother, but you do remember that they fought a lot and that in these fights the word cheating was often mentioned, usually coming from your mother's mouth full of anger and anguish. It was a good thing they broke up, he probably would have just continued to hurt her if he had stayed. If there's one thing this day has proven to you it's that you're not a good man, but you're still better than him in that respect, and you'd like to say you will always be, but you can't be sure. With your friend from the factory it wasn't so hard not to do anything about it. But you're not sure the same could be said for the man in front of you, if one day Sang-woo woke up and decided he wanted you after all, even if only for one more night.

It would only take twenty minutes until he got to you or vice versa, it was almost frightening. He could destroy your marriage so easily, he could make you a worse man than you already are. It was fucking scary.

"Have you ever lost so much money gambling before?" Sang-woo asks. 

"A few times."

"You know, there are people who can help you with these gambling problems if you need to."

"Like a loan shark?"

"No, I'm talking more like a support group or something."

"I don't see how that would help, I just like to gamble, it's not like I'm using the money to buy alcohol or drugs."

“Just try to keep your options open. I worry about you."

You're not sure if you believe him, but still you say:

"Thanks."

"Do you want me to take you home?"

Usually your answer would be yes, even without thinking, for him always yes, just to have a few more minutes in his presence. But today precisely because of this you say:

"I think I better take the subway."

Chapter Text

You enter the restaurant and choose one of the tables further back to sit on. 

Most days you just have a sandwich you bring from home for lunch, alone in your office while your coworkers go out to eat. This was a habit you'd only adopted in the last year, but one you wish you'd started sooner as it helped your monthly budget a little.

But not today.

Usually that would mean you'd be meeting a client for lunch, but this time you're alone, also you'd never bring a customer to a place like this, a place with plastic chairs and whose decor seems to have chaos as a theme, with paintings and posters of completely different styles covering the walls, after a closer examination you see that some of them were not even paintings, but actually children's drawings, the kind of thing a parent would put on the refrigerator door, not the kind of thing a person uses to decorate a work environment. Usually you wouldn't get caught dead eating lunch in a place like this, but the smell when you walked by the door was just so good and according to the sign there was a promotion for the fried chicken + fries combo. 

You place your order and begin examining one of the framed drawings on the wall beside you. It appears to be of a man, a woman, a girl and an animal, although whether that animal is a cat or a dog you cannot identify for sure.

You think maybe it's a rabbit when you hear someone say your name.

You feel relief when you see it's Gi-hun instead of a client or a co-worker.

"What are you doing here?" he asks.

“Waiting for my meal. And you?"

"This is my restaurant."

"Really?"

"Yes, why?"

"Nothing, it's just that my mom usually tells me these things, and she didn't mention anything the last time I was with her."

“She must have forgotten, and it's a recent development. We only opened last month. So did you order yet?”

"Yes, a portion of fries and fried chicken."

"Good choice. I'll go to the kitchen to make sure they do everything right for you.”

He says and goes in the direction you assume to be the kitchen.

And he looks fine, happy even. That brings you some comfort, he looked so miserable the last time you saw him. That night he didn't smile once.

You always knew you were weak when faced with his smile, but that night you realized that this weakness was even greater when faced with his sadness. That day you gave him far more than you could give, and would have given him anything else he asked for, just for the chance to make him feel a little bit better .

No one in Ssangmundong knew this, but things haven't been going so well for you in recent years. Like many people working in finance, the 2008 international economic crisis was disastrous for you. You saw personal investments that you thought were secure lose their value overnight. And worst of all, you found yourself without a job.

You know that the most prudent thing to do given these circumstances would have been to cut all your unnecessary expenses and move back with your mother for a while, she was still living in the same house and your room was still there. At the time your only big debt was the car you were still paying, a few months' rent, and some of your student loans from college. But you couldn't bear the humiliation, nothing felt more like defeat than going back to live in Ssangmundong.

And you really thought you'd find another job fast, you were the valedictorian from your class, and you'd spent years making contacts in the industry. You did everything you were supposed to do, it should have taken you three months at most to find a new job, not more than three years. And in that period you saw your debts piling up and piling up. 

Your mother only found out that you were no longer in your first company after you started your job in the second one, and you made it seem like they went after you with a job offer, that in some ways it was a step up from what you had before. The reality was not so promising, the place was smaller, as well as your salary and your growth prospects in the company.

Your mother seemed very proud of you that day. As if all the promises that had implicitly been made by your great potential, were being fulfilled. You were relieved that she believed your lies, but most of all you felt that day was envy. You could remember quite clearly the time when all the great potential others said you had made you feel hopeful rather than ashamed.

The epithet Ssangmundong's Pride always embarrassed you every time you heard it, but it was true that you wanted to make them all proud, especially her. And you are sure that if anyone in the neighborhood really knew the state of your life, pride would be the last thing they would feel.

.

.

.

Instead of the waitress who attended you earlier, it's Gi-hun who brings you your plate. And it looks a lot fuller than in the image of the advertisement.

As if he could read your thoughts Gi-hun says:

“I put in a little extra because it was for you. A lot extra, actually. But don't worry, I won't charge you more or anything.”

"Thanks, I'll take it. But you shouldn't do that when anyone from the neighborhood shows up here, it could end up screwing up your profits. New businesses are tough, especially in the first two years, you have to do your best to maximize your profits until you establish a clientele."

"I wouldn't do it for anyone from the neighborhood, I did it because it's you. Uhm, I mean, I owe you, you helped me a lot the last time we saw each other, so in the meantime whenever you pass by here you can expect a little extra fries and chicken."

More than a little if the plate in front of you could be any indication of what you should expect.

"Have you had lunch?"

"No, not yet."

"Then eat with me, it's too much for just one person."

Only after making the invitation do you realize that it goes directly against the personal rules you had established for interactions with Gi-hun, but you decide it doesn't matter. Maybe it's time to retire those rules, you're no longer a teenager in danger of throwing yourself at him the moment he does anything that makes your heart beat faster.

"Of course, I would love that." he says sitting in front of you.

You take one of the chicken pieces and bite it, while Gi-hun watches you. His eyes filled with anticipation.

"So, is it any good?" He asks.

"Yes. Very good, send my compliments to the chef, or whoever made it.”

Gi-hun smiles.

“It was me. Even the recipe is mine.”

"I didn't know you cooked."

"I only started in the last few years, after I lost my job at the factory I thought the least I could do is help more with things around the house, so I asked my mother to teach me and I also started making recipes that I saw people making on television. And it turned out I really like cooking and I think maybe I could be good at it."

"If this is your pattern, then you already are." You say taking another bite.

"Thanks, I wish I had figured that out sooner. At school I was never very good at anything, even when I tried to pay attention and learn, the best I've ever got were passable grades. It would have been nice to know that at least in this one thing I have some talent."

"Better late than never, isn't it?"

"Yes. Changing the subject a bit, I want you to know that I haven't forgotten the money you let me borrow and I plan to pay you back as soon as I can pay off the loans I took to open the restaurant."

"Don't worry about it. You can pay me whenever."

"I do worry, I know it was probably nothing to you, but I was so desperate that day. If it wasn't for you I don't know what would have happened when I got home and told my wife what I did. You really saved my marriage."

Again the same phrase you hated to hear that night. It wasn't like you were hoping his marriage would fail, at least not most of the time. But still, the idea of being personally credited with saving his marriage was unpleasant to say the least.

"So things between you and your wife are better?"

"Yes. I think so. Every couple has some rough years and it takes a while for things to get back to normal. But maybe all of this will make us stronger and closer in the end. People usually say that, don't they?"

You don't know how to answer that, so you decide to try to change the subject.

"This drawing, did your daughter make it?" You say referring to the drawing on the wall.

"Yes. Ga-yeong is very talented."

That was arguable in your opinion, but you knew better than to contradict what was clearly a proud parent of his child artistic endeavors.

"Can you tell me if this is supposed to be a cat or a dog? I've been trying to figure it out since I got here."

"A cat. But unfortunately in this aspect the drawing is just a fantasy. My daughter and I are campaigning for Eunji to let us adopt a cat, but so far she hasn't relented.”

“Let you have a cat? She sounds more like your mother than your wife.”

"Sang-woo don't compare my wife to my mother, that's disgusting."

"I'm sorry but that's what it sounds like."

“It does not, it's just when you're someone's partner you have to consider what the other person wants. And a pet is a huge commitment, cats can live well over twenty years, and that would mean twenty years of her remembering the time I put what I wanted in front of what she wanted. Even if I never have a cat it's worth it if I can avoid a conflict with the person I am with. These things are a normal part of being in a relationship.”

"I guess I wouldn't know much about it."

"So you're not in a relationship?"

"I don't have time."

“Oh. Okay. I thought maybe-forget it.”

"What?"

“Nothing, it's just that I thought that man in your apartment who answered when I was there was your boyfriend, or partner? I don't know what the right word is.”

“Nothing like that, he's just a guy I see sometimes. He's not important.”

"Hmm."

"What?"

"I worry about you, I know you have your job, but it's important to make time for your relationships as well."

“Gi-hun you sound like my mother.”

"Sang-woo don't compare me to your mother, that's disgusting too."

“Why would it be disgusting? My mother is a lovely woman."

"I know she is, I've always been a huge fan Mrs. Cho, but I don't like you comparing me to the woman who birthed and raised you."

"Then maybe you shouldn't say the same things she says to me all the time."

"I just would like to see you happy."

"What makes you think I'm not?"

"I'm not saying you're not, I know you have your career and that things are going well, but I want you to have everything in every area of your life. Your job can bring you satisfaction, but can your job hold you at night when you feel lonely?”

You don't know how to explain exactly why this idea doesn't appeal to you. Physical attraction is something you feel often and for a varied number of men, but romance isn't something you often dream about, and when you do it's always just him.

You always assumed that eventually you would develop feelings for someone else, but somehow that just never happened.

And you don't understand why only he can make you feel these things. For you, Gi-hun always felt like he was special and more than other people in a way that was hard to define. But when you tried to analyze the situation objectively, in terms of characteristics he was just some guy. There should have been others by now.

It's like there's a part of your heart that is frozen when it comes to anybody except him. And it didn't make any sense.

The most rational explanation you've ever come up with is that the blame lies with the time you developed feelings rather than being something specific about him. Because he was already in your heart before you set up all the systems you had created to avoid developing feelings again. Whenever one of your fuckbuddies started getting clingy you started ignoring their calls and texts until they understood what kind of arrangement you were interested in. 

You can't see yourself ever coming out of the closet, but in recent years you've sometimes found yourself thinking that you could try a relationship with someone who has the same priorities as you.

You imagine it must feel good to have feelings for someone you theoretically could have. Almost every song you've heard seems to be about falling in love, and you think that's probably why. 

"Sang-woo?" Gi-hun says pulling you out of your thoughts.

"You don't have to worry about that. On the nights I want to be held it's not hard to find someone willing to do it. Especially these days."

"I know. One of my waiters was talking the other day about this thing he uses on his phone to meet guys, I think the name is Grindar or Grindr or something. Have you heard of it?”

You pause for a moment to contemplate the surreality of having an conversation about Grindr with your childhood friend.

"Yes. I have it on my phone, it's not my favorite way to meet people. But it's convenient.”

"I thought so. The way he talks about it seems like the courtship process is pretty fast. Maybe even a little too fast. It seems similar to ordering a pizza."

You laugh a little.

"Yeah, it feels a little like that sometimes."

"I want to ask you a question because you're part of the same generation as me: do you ever get surprised at how easily these new generations talk about this kind of thing? Like I know the world still has a lot of problems but I could never have talked about this kind of thing so casually when I was his age with the people I worked with, like it was no big deal, I still can't in a lot of ways, the only people who really know this about me are you and my wife, and she usually only brings up when she's mad at me for some reason. But with young people today it seems so much easier, and don't get me wrong, it's good and I used to believe the world would one day be like this way, but I thought it would be way ahead in the future, I didn't think it would happen while you and I were still young.”

You pause again, this is another topic you never imagined discussing with him.

“It's not just you, I still haven't gotten used to how fast things are changing. But, we're not that young.”

“I know, I'm going to be forty next year. Forty Sang-woo, can you believe it? This feels so wrong. The only thing I'm excited about is going to be my birthday party. Usually my celebrations tend to be small because of budget reasons, but not for my forties. I'm going all out, it's going to be epic. I'll close the restaurant and call the whole neighborhood to come here. If I have enough money I'll hire a DJ and rent a smoke machine. And guess the best part?”

"What?"

"Guess."

"There's no way I can do this and get it right."

“Yes there is, and it's not that hard. Close your eyes and think of our childhood and something I always wanted to have but my mom never let me because she said it was stupid."

"I can not-"

“Close your eyes. It's easier to remember like that.”

You close your eyes feeling rather silly. But as Gi-hun said the memory comes back to you. And along with it a smile.

You open your eyes.

“A costume party?” you ask.

"Yes! You remembered!”

Gi-hun was right when he said it wasn't that difficult, almost every year he said he wanted one and Mrs. Seong for some reason every year said no. He often complained about how unfair it was, and even went as far as saying that the universe wanted him to have a birthday costume party and that's why he had been born on October 31st instead of a week later when the doctors had told his parents he would be born.

“If I invited you for my 40th birthday would you come?” Gi-hun asks.

There are few things in the world you would like to do less than go to a party and see Gi-hun with his wife, daughter and all his other friends. You still consider going to his wedding one of the worst decisions you've made in your adult life. But the way he looks at you now seems so sweet and hopeful, as if all that separates him and complete happiness is you saying yes. You think Gi-hun's wife is probably a lot stronger than you, a few seconds of him asking you for something with those hopeful eyes would have made you agree to adopt all the cats the man wanted.

"Yes, if I don't have any important commitments at work I will."

"Promise?"

"Yes." You say.

And he smiles.

Chapter Text

The party is going exactly the way you had imagined.

That's kind of surprising considering how high your expectations were for this particular event.

Most of the people you invited had shown up and your restaurant is full. And your guests seem to be having fun, people are dancing, talking, drinking, taking pictures together. And you've done a little bit of all of these activities since the party started.  

You feel so grateful, so rarely in life things go exactly the way you want them to. This gratitude is directed partly to the universe at large, and partly to your wife.

After all, she was the one who left work early to help get the restaurant ready for the party with the Halloween decorations while you were in the kitchen finishing up the food that would be served. And days before, she had been in a bunch of shops in Seoul until she found the Robin Hood costume you wanted so badly, one that came with a bow and arrow and everything. And for herself she chose a medieval European dress, to be the Maid Marian to your Robin Hood. That's something a wife who still loves her husband would do, right? A wife who no longer loves her husband would never have gone to such lengths to make sure he had the party he always wanted, right? A wife who just wanted to leave wouldn't have chosen a costume that matched her husband's. You were pretty sure of that.

And she kissed you this morning when she wished you happy birthday. She even smiled.

That alone had made your day, in the last year your fights had become less frequent, and you had even gone back to having sex sometimes. But her smiles and laughs didn't come back at least not for you, she smiled at Ga-yeong and sometimes to the girl from the bakery when she went to buy bread in the morning. Sometimes she laughed when she saw something interesting on television or when Ga-yeong said something silly. But not usually with you, and the rare times when she smiled looking at you, it never seemed to be the smile that reached her eyes. And genuine laughter of her hadn't been caused by you in over a year.

You had even started to pay close attention to whatever funny thing happened at the restaurant to tell her when you got home, to see if you could make her laugh, but mostly she just listened to your stories looking tired and bored. But still she listened to them, a wife who didn't love her husband anymore would just tell him to be quiet and leave her alone, right?

Who knows, maybe you just stopped being funny. That wouldn't be good, but it would be better than all the other alternatives you can think of why most days she doesn't laugh or smile when interacting with you.

Earlier you and Eunji had taken pictures in your costumes with Ga-yeong and some other friends, but you realize that you didn't take a picture with just her, and you would really like to have one.

You think about maybe going outside and taking a picture of the two of you kissing in front of the crescent moon that was shining in the sky.

You're looking for her among the crowd when you see Sang-woo coming through the restaurant's door. And just like that she disappears from your thoughts.

Later thinking about this moment you will feel shame and regret that you stopped thinking about her so easily. Later you will wonder if everything that would happen until the night was over was already destined to happen the moment he appeared.

Now you are just happy to see him.

You walk up to him and say:

"I can't believe you came."

"I said I would." Sang-woo responds.

“Yeah, but I know how busy you are. But you are not wearing a costume! Didn't you read the invitation? It said very clearly that everyone should wear a costume.”

"I didn't have time, I came straight from work."

“Lucky for you, I made some preparations in case people without costumes showed up. I have some extras, let's pick one for you.”

"Is this really necessary? We can say that my costume is man in a suit.”

"Yes, it's necessary. You know I've always wanted a costume party, and that means everyone should be wearing a costume, including you. And a man in a suit is not a costume when you wear a suit almost every day.”

"Gi-hun what difference does it make?"

"Please Sang-woo, it's my birthday, I'm not asking for much."

He sighs. 

"Okay. And happy birthday, I forgot to tell you when I saw you.”

You smile and pull him by the sleeve of his suit towards the office in the back of the restaurant where the extra costumes are. 

The office is a small room next to the kitchen entrance, which is generally used more as a second storeroom than for its intended purpose. There is a computer, a table, and two chairs. And today specifically a box on the floor full of costumes.

"How about a vampire?" you say taking of a set of fake teeth and a black cape from inside the box.

"This is rented right?" Sang-woo asks.

"Yes, why?"

"Because I'm not going to wear fake teeth that have probably been in the mouths of dozens of different people."

"You can wash it before putting it in your mouth."

"No, choose another one."

"I think there's a policeman's uniform here that would look really good on you."

"Don't you have something simple for me to wear, like a cowboy hat?"

“I actually had one here earlier, but like you my mom decided to show up without a costume, she came here and picked out the hat to wear. Maybe I could ask her to come here and pick another one, she would probably give you the cowboy hat, she always liked you.”

"I don't want to bother your mom, don't you have some other costume that's just an object or two? Something easy to put on?"

"Yes, I think I do."

You dig a little deeper into the box and find a pirate hat and an eye patch at the very bottom.

“How about it?” You say showing them to him.

"Well, I guess that works."

He takes off his glasses and puts them in his pocket. And you tie the eye patch for him and your fingertips end up touching one of his ears during.

You look down and see in the bit of his wrist that isn't covered by the suit that that contact has made the hairs on his arm stand up.

You remember that when you guys had sex that part of his body seemed to be particularly sensitive when you touched it with your mouth or with your tongue. Apparently it still is.

You take two steps back and say:

"It's so unfair."

"What?"

"You. All our friends are aging like shit, some have put on weight, there are those going bald, I have wrinkles Sang-woo, I didn't used to have wrinkles, and my hair is thinner than it used to be. But not you, you just look better, and it's unfair.”

He seems to have been taken aback by what you just said.

"Thanks?"

“I wasn't complimenting you. I'm saying it's rude of you to keep showing off like that. You're smart already, you don't need to be handsome too. How do you even do it? Everyone just seems to get worse except you.”

He laughs, looking somewhere between flattered and embarrassed.

"I don't know. Sometimes I go to the gym, I drink a lot of water."

"Yes. Water. I should drink more water, it's very important.”

"You're drunk already, right?"

“Yeah, me and some of my friends from the factory had a bunch of soju and tequila shots earlier. I know I'll regret it tomorrow, my liver isn't what it used to be. But it was fun."

"I imagine."

"Should we go back to the party?"

"Yes." he says and puts on the pirate hat.

"You should have said Yarrr like a pirate."

Sang-woo for a second looks at you like you're a complete idiot. But then he shakes his head, smiles and says:

"Yarrr."

You walk out of the office and see Ga-yeong alone in her little bee costume looking a little lost as people walk around seemingly not paying much attention to her.

You walk up to her and bend down so your eyes are level with hers.

"Hey sweetie. Where's your mommy? I thought you were with her."

“She went out with a friend from work. She told me to find you.”

"And you found me, well done!" You say showing her your hand for her to high-five.

And she does. Bringing a smile to both your faces.

You and your father didn't do things like that when you were a kid, or at least if you did you don't remember.

You pick her up and walk with her to Sang-woo.

“Ga-yeong let me introduce you to someone really cool. This is Cho Sang-woo, he was one of my best friends when I was a kid. He went to SNU, that means he's basically a genius.”

“Your father is wrong, I am not a genius. I'm just a bit smart.” Sang-woo says.

"You're just being modest."

"I'm not. I took an IQ test a few years ago, and it turned out that my intelligence is above average, but not quite the one of a genius. I wanted to be, I was hoping I was, but I'm not.”

"IQ that's just a number."

"Yes. A number that measures intelligence.”

"Well I still think you're a genius."

"Anyway, nice to meet you Ga-yeong."

"Nice to meet you too." Ga-yeong says and hides her face in your neck.

“She's shy around strangers sometimes.” You say.

"No problem."

"Or maybe you're sleepy, dear?"

She nods.

“Oh okay. Sang-woo I'll see if I can find my mom to see if she can keep an eye on Ga-yeong for a bit. While I'm away you can mingle with everyone, there are a lot of our childhood friends here, and as soon as I can I'll find you, okay?”

"Okay." he says.

.

.

.

It takes a while for you to find your mother, in the meantime Ga-yeong falls asleep in your arms. 

You finally you see a cowboy hat in the distance.

You walk to her.

"Finally! Where were you?"

"In the bathroom. Why were you looking for me?" Your mother asks. 

"For you to take care of your granddaughter. She's sleepy, can you stay with her for a bit?"

"Why can't you take care of her?"

"Because I want to talk to Sang-woo and it's going to be uncomfortable if I'm holding a child the entire time."

"Could it be later? There are some things I'd like to talk to Haneul, by the way have you seen her around?" 

“Mom you can talk to your cousin any time you want, but I hardly ever get a chance to spend time with Sang-woo. Please mom, it's my birthday.”

"Fine, give her to me."

"Thank you." You say putting Ga-yeong in her arms.

"You're welcome. But you can't keep using the it's my birthday line to get anything you want."

"Yes, I can. It's birthday." You say and show her your most charming smile.

She rolls her eyes. 

You start looking for a pirate hat among the crowd and soon find it. Sang-woo is surrounded by people from the neighborhood, he's talking to them, but he doesn't seem to be enjoying himself. You start walking towards him when someone touches your shoulder.

You see that the responsible for this touch is Tae-ri, one of the girls who works in the restaurant.

"Boss, just so you know, someone went into the kitchen and threw up in the electric fryer."

"No! Ugh. Do you think it's broken now?”

"I am not sure. You better go see.”

You look at Sang-woo from afar, he seems distracted talking to the bakery owner.

"Ok, I'll go."

In the kitchen you clean up the vomit, luckily it doesn't seem to have entered the equipment.

"Did you see who did this?"

"No, I'm sorry," She says, and after a few seconds continues, "Who was that man you were talking to earlier?"

"You're going to have to be a little more specific, I spoke to a lot of people today."

"The one in the pirate hat."

"Oh, that was Sang-woo, he's a childhood friend."

"The one who went to SNU?"

"Yes. That one."

"So, is he married?"

"No. Why do you want to know?"

"My sister was asking who he was. Do you think you could introduce them?"

"I don't think this is a good idea."

"Why not? You think my sister is not good enough for your rich friend?”

Frankly you did, but it wasn't anything personal against Tae-ri's sister, it's just that you couldn't imagine who would be good enough for him.

You know could probably end this conversation right away if you said Sang-woo had no interest in women, he had never specifically told you that, but you were pretty sure that was the case, Mrs. Cho would have told the whole neighborhood if he had been involved with some woman at some point in the past few years. But it feels wrong to tell this about him to someone else. So you just say:

"Sang-woo told me last year that he has no interest in having a romantic relationship, I'm doing your sister a favor. And besides she is what twenty? Twenty-two? Sang-woo should date someone his own age. Maybe even someone older, it would be good for him."

You felt proud of yourself for being honest and at the same time not revealing too much.

"Okay, whatever."

.

.

.

When you come back Sang-woo is no longer with the people he was talking to earlier. You look for the pirate's hat, and when you see it the hat isn't on anyone's head, it is on one of the tables, and next to it the eye patch.

Sang-woo left.

Again.

As he always does.

Always getting in and out of your life as he pleases.

You were nineteen when he left the neighborhood and now you are forty. You realize this means you've spent most of your life missing him.

You run out into the street and see him about to get into his car. He stops when he sees you.

"Were you really going to leave without even saying goodbye?"

At least he has the decency to look a little embarrassed.

"I thought you wouldn't notice."

“Well, you thought wrong. I noticed, and I'm upset. How long were you here, twenty minutes? Half an hour? And do you want to leave already?"

"I'm sorry, Hyung."

"Please stay at least until we cut the cake, it's not strawberry but it's still very good, I think you'd like it, I made it myself."

He doesn't say anything, but he looks kind of reluctant, so you just take a deep breath and say:

“Let's make a deal, you don't need to stay for the cake, but at least have a beer with me. You owe me at least one beer, we never finished our first one.”

He doesn't respond, but you're pretty sure you're about to convince him, so you add:

"Please? It's my birthday." 

Chapter Text

When you return to the party, Gi-hun once again takes you to the room next to the kitchen.

"I know you don't like crowded places, so we can just chat here for a bit."

That's true, although being with him alone doesn't seem like the wisest thing to do right now. Since childhood you had seen him angry a few times, and also sad during other occasions. But that weird mix of sadness and anger he showed outside the restaurant was new, or at least new to you.

And you didn't think you deserved it, like yeah, maybe it was kind of rude to leave without saying goodbye. But you showed up even though you didn't like parties much, you even let him dress you up like a pirate. And you stayed a lot longer than the twenty minutes he said, you know this because before you walked into the restaurant you looked at your clock and marked forty-five minutes as the proper time to make an appearance and then leave.

You don't understand why he's being so weird about it. The party was packed, almost to the point of being a little uncomfortable. What difference would it make if one person decided to leave early?

At least now he didn't seem to be angry anymore, and contrary to what you expected he didn't make you put on a costume again.

“You wait here while I get the beers from the kitchen. And don’t go running away again. Okay?" he says.

"Okay."

Less than a minute later he returns, carrying two bottles, one in each hand, and hands you one. You think maybe you should have told him that you don't really like beer that much, you drink it when there's nothing else available, but it's far from being one of your favorite drinks.

Gi-hun sits on the other side of the table, laughs softly and takes a sip.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing really. Just the way life goes. It took twenty years, but I'm finally sharing a beer with you again."

"Yes. But don't worry, I won't try to kiss you or anything." you say repeating the joke he made a few years ago when he bought you a sundae in front of the betting house.

"I wouldn't mind if you did." he says.

For a moment you have no idea how to react, you're not even sure you heard him right.

"That was a joke." Gi-hun says.

"Oh, okay."

“Don't feel guilty about not laughing. My wife doesn't think I'm funny anymore either. And I wasn't serious, I wouldn't-”

"I know. And you really don't need to worry, I have a boyfriend now.”

This is the first time you've described Ha-joon like that to someone else, you haven't even used that word with him.

A few months ago you had done a swot analysis of all your regular sex partners, and he had been the most promising of all candidates as a potential boyfriend. You two had a good sexual compatibility, like you he had no interest in coming out publicly, talking to him wasn't unpleasant, he lived reasonably close so you didn't need to spend a lot on fuel to see him and vice versa, you I could even see him being a useful contact professionally. And when you proposed to him a more permanent and exclusive arrangement he said yes. And so far things were going well, you hadn't developed the romantic feelings that you thought might appear, but you could see a hypothetical future where you could have feelings for him.

Gi-hun looks at you for a moment in silence, then he takes a big gulp of beer and says:

"That’s great. Great. That’s so great. So what does he do?"

"He's a lawyer."

"Oh. A lawyer. Fancy. Did he go to SNU too?"

"Yeah, actually, he even went to school at the same time as me, but we didn't know each other back then. The campus was very big and in general I tended to spend more time with the other business majors."

“That's kind of romantic in a way, isn't it? Like he was there all along, but you only saw him now. Sounds like the kind of backstory they would put for a couple in a romantic drama."

"I wouldn't know, I don't watch a lot of shows like that."

“You should have brought him. I would love to see the man capable of winning your heart.”

"Maybe next year."

"I don't think I'm having a party next year. Maybe in my fifties I'll have another one like this. Any chance you'll still be with him?"

"Who knows, maybe so, maybe not. Who cares?"

“I think he probably cares. If he's with you, he's probably wondering if this is a passing thing or if your plans are more permanent.”

“Gi-hun not everyone wants a marriage and kids. Your kind of happiness isn't the only kind of happiness there is.”

“I know that, but I'm just saying it's not good to be so careless of other people's feelings. Your actions have consequences. You can't just keep doing whatever you want without caring how your actions affect other people.”

"I don't see why not, it never hurt anyone."

The expression on Gi-hun's face until now light and understanding changes. Again there was that strange mixture of anger and sadness in his face, and now with a little bit of indignation on top of it all.

He gets up from his chair and puts his back against the wall and looks at you for a while, before saying:

"You really don't know, do you?"

"What?"

“Sang-woo let me clarify something for you that I really think you need to understand: You've already hurt people. I know this because in the past you hurt me and you hurt me a lot. I was so in love with you for so long but I was okay with it, I went out with other people and I was happy with just being your friend. But then you kissed me and a year later you had sex with me and it was good but I wish you hadn't, it was so much easier before when I thought you and me together like this was completely impossible. But you had to give me that little bit of hope, without giving a damn how it would affect me, you know how stupid I am, when I bet I always think I'll beat the odds, even when the chance is a million to one, deep down there's always a bit of me that's sure I'm going to win. It took so long for me to accept that it wasn't going to be you and me in the end, I think I only started leaving it behind when I met Eun-ji, and that was almost five years after all that. And before her every time I saw you I went after you and you never seemed to have more than five minutes to speak to me, and it's probably for the best that it was that way, I would only have gotten more hope, but it was cruel too, every time you it made me feel so small and insignificant, like we'd never even been friends. Even today I sometimes wonder if we're still friends.”

You heard the words, but they didn't make any sense. It was you who was in love, it was always just you. You never had any doubts about that. You look at his face for some sign that maybe this is some kind of weird joke, but there was no sign of it on his face. In fact, he looks even more serious than before.

"Won’t you answer me?" Gi-hun asks.

"Answer what?"

"Are we still friends?"

"Of course we are. It should be clear already"

“No, nothing is clear when it comes to you. In twenty years this is my first birthday you even made any contact. Even my garbage father sometimes calls me on my birthday.”

"And did you call me on my birthdays?"

"No. I thought about it. But, I didn't want to bother you."

"Well, and I thought that me calling you on your birthday wouldn't make any difference. You have so many other friends, getting along with other people is so easy for you."

“Yes I have other friends, I have always had. But I didn't show up in front of their houses every day to take them to school. I didn't kiss my other friends, I didn't have sex with them. I don't keep running after them every time they try to leave. I'm not here with them, I'm here with you. It's always just you.”

He waits a few seconds for you to respond, and you know you should say something, but you have no idea what the right words would be, you have no mental preparation for this conversation.

Gi-hun takes a deep breath and rubs his forehead and says:

“Just forget what I said, none of it matters anymore. I think I'm kind of a cliché, getting emotional thinking about what could have been just because I'm turning forty. And I shouldn't feel bad about these things from the past. If things had gone the way I wanted, maybe we wouldn't even be able to talk with each other these days. Everything turned out better that way, didn't it? You have your job and your lawyer boyfriend, and I have the restaurant and my wife. And we're both very happy with our lives, right?”

Kissing him is probably the worst thing you can do in response to what was clearly a rhetorical question. But that's what you do. And you can't see any version of yourself that wouldn't kiss him.

And like on a different night over two decades ago he doesn't just let you kiss him, he kisses you back. More than that, he pulls you towards him to feel you more, his hands one moment on your neck and the next on your shoulders and sliding down your back.

Somehow he shifts your positions and then you're the one with your back against the wall as he kisses you fiercely. It's not like the kisses he's given you in the past, but you love it. Damn his wife, your boyfriend, and all the thousands of reasons you came up with to stay away from him for so long.

He takes off the jacket of your suit and throws it on the floor, and you know this is all a bad idea, all of his friends and his family are on the other side of the door, and you're pretty sure he didn't even lock it when he came in. But you can't bring yourself to make him face the insanity and risk of the situation, you know you'll let him do whatever he wants to do to you, just to keep him touching you.

Someone knocks on the door and just like that the moment changes.

He stops kissing you and takes two steps back. Leaving you breathless and wanting more.

"Who is it?" he asks.

"Hi boss, people want to know when you're going to cut the cake." says a female voice on the other side of the door.

"Tell them I'm on my way."

You have some hope that he will just start kissing you again, but he doesn't. You think maybe it would be okay if he just made a joke about you kissing him even though you said mere minutes ago that there was no way that would ever happen, but he doesn't.

What he does is to sit in the chair and put his face in his hands.

He says something you don't understand so you get closer and say:

"Hyung?"

He takes his hands away from his face, and you can see there are tears in his eyes.

“Please don't tell anyone. She will leave me if she finds out, she is looking for an excuse to go away and this would be more than enough for her to end our marriage.”

‘Then let it end’ You think, but don't say.

He looks so sad thinking about his marriage ending. If it's true that you hurt him as much as he said, that's something you never want to do again.

“I won't tell anyone. Don’t worry."

"Thanks. And I'm sorry for what I said before, and I should have let you go when you wanted to go. And I shouldn't have kissed you."

“Gi-hun, I was the one who kissed you. This was all my fault, okay?”

“No, you may have started it, but it wasn't just you. And it's not you who's married. It wasn't supposed to be like that. I didn't bring you here planning to kiss you. And I wasn't planning on arguing with you or saying all the embarrassing things I said.”

"Then why did you bring me here?"

"For the same reason as always, just to have a little more time with you."

You place your hand on his face, caressing his cheek and for a moment he leans into your touch. But then he pulls away.

“I need to get back to my party. You can stay if you want, or leave. I won't try to stop you anymore.”

He says and leaves the room, closing the door with you inside.

You sit in the chair where he was sitting moments ago, with every word he said since you walked in there echoing through your head.

You're not sure how long you stay there, just that it's enough for you to finish the beer you've started. 

You hear the sound of people starting to sing happy birthday so you get up and go back to the party.

From a distance you can see Gi-hun in front of the cake, surrounded by people singing. Again he is holding his daughter in his arms, but this time his wife is by his side, it's the first time you've seen her since you arrived at the party. And you realize that in another life it really could have been you in her place. This is not your life, the girl he is holding is not your daughter. He is not your husband. But it all could have been yours.

He used to love you. There was a point in time when you were in love with him and he was in love with you too. And that point was not just a brief moment, but something that lasted for years according to him. He could have been yours, not just in some ways, but completely. But he didn't, and he wasn’t now. And the only person to blame for that is yourself.

You've been living a life that was much lonelier and sadder than you care to admit. And maybe if you had been with him all the time you would still have been fired, and you would still have ended up full of debts and insecurities. You are not the man you thought you would be. But it's hard for you to visualize yourself being truly unhappy if he had been by your side while all these things happened.

You should have noticed. You should have asked. You should have continued to kiss him the night before you left.

But you didn't.

The last time you cried was at your father's funeral, not even when you watched Gi-hun get married you cried even though you spend the next weeks after the wedding feeling like something inside you had been permanently broken that day. You've spent years believing that the only thing that would ever make you cry again would be your mother's death.

But now you feel the tears starting to fill your eyes.

You leave the party before people finish singing Happy Birthday. And you only start crying when you're inside your car.

And you don't stop doing that for a really long time.

Chapter Text

It's 2 a.m. and you're driving around downtown Seoul. That's not something that happens so often, since you started working as a driver you usually try to get home before midnight.

And that's what would have happened if things had been a little better at horse tracks, if you hadn't lost more money than you should have. But you think that maybe you can recoup your losses with a few more hours of work, usually the payment for those late-night rides was way better. The app you use on your phone shows that there is a passenger nearby who needs your services and you hit the accept button immediately. Only after accepting do you see the client's information on the screen and you almost press the cancel button when you see the passenger's name. But you decide not to.

Nearly ten million people are now living in Seoul according to one of the passengers you took to the airport last week, and Sang-woo is a relatively common name.

You park the car in front of an office building, the back door opens, and in an instant there he is sitting in the backseat of your car.

“Hey” You say.

"Hello." Sang-woo says.

"Looks like I'm going to be your driver tonight."

Sang-woo then gets out of the car, leaving you very confused, he then opens the front door and sits down on the seat next to you.

Realizing your confusion he says:

“It feels weird being in the backseat while you are alone in the front. I'll still pay you, but let me sit by your side.”

"Okay."

You think it's kind of sweet that he doesn't want an hierarchy between the two of you, but you wish he'd stayed in the backseat, every inch of distance was an inch of safety that you wouldn't do something stupid again.

You learned two very important things at your 40th birthday party. The first is that if you were going to have soju shots you shouldn't also have tequila shots and then throw a bit of beer on top of everything because that combination in your quadragenarian liver resulted in the worst hangover you've had in your entire life. The second is that you have far less self-control than you used to believe, or at least that was the case when it came to him. The moment he touched all your sense seemed to jump out the window.

This isn't the first time you've seen him, just about three months after the party you saw him far away talking to his mother on the street on a day when you were walking around the neighborhood, and instead of going after him to say hi you just hid behind a telephone pole until he left, which while quite different from your previous reactions to seeing Sang-woo unexpectedly, didn't feel much like a progress.

You start driving and the silence between the two of you is as awkward as you've always feared it would be. You try to think what you would say to him if he never went to the party, if you never told him he was the great love of your youth, if you never showed him how easily he could make you stop of caring about the things that should matter most to you just to have a little more of him.

“So that was the place where you work right? Do you always work so late?”

"It happens sometimes, today it was because me and some people at the firm had to do a conference call with some people from Canada."

You can't think of something to say in response so you look for a different topic.

"Have you changed address?"

"No, why?"

“Because the place I'm taking you to isn't the address where you used to live. Or am I remembering wrong?"

“No, you're remembering right. I'm not going home, I'm going to visit someone else's apartment.”

"Why are you going to visit someone at two in the morning?"

You only realize how stupid this question is after the words are out of your mouth.

So you're taking Sang-woo to have sex with another man. Great. This really is one of those weeks when the universe seems to have chosen you to be its personal punching bag.

"My boyfriend lives at that address." he says unnecessarily.

"Are you still with that lawyer?"

"Yes, two years last month."

"That's good, I'm happy for you."

That wasn't exactly true, but you wanted it to be, and that's what counts right? 

You don't like the idea of being the kind of person who can't be happy for the happiness of others, especially someone you care about as much as you care about him.

"So did you guys do anything special for your birthday?"

“No, he wasn't even in the country. He had to go to Italy for his job."

"He could have taken you with him."

"Yes he suggested that, but I had some important meetings at work."

"Couldn't you reschedule? It's Europe, it's not every day you get the chance to leave the country. Although maybe that's just my experience, have you been there many times?"

"No, never. I've never actually left the country."

"Really?"

"Yes, why do you look so surprised?"

"I don't know. I guess it's because sometimes I used to imagine your life, the places you went and the things you did. I used to see you going to all kinds of places in my head."

You think maybe you said too much. Because yes he knows your feelings, but maybe he wouldn't like those little reminders. You look at him, fearing to find embarrassment on his face, or irritation, but all you can see is melancholy and maybe a little affection.

"I'm afraid my life is far more interesting in your imagination than in reality."

"Most things probably are."

"Yes."

"So when he got back from Italy did you guys do something?"

"He brought me a bottle of wine, we drank it."

"Two years together deserved a better celebration than that."

"Did you do something for your two-year anniversary with your wife?"

"Yes, on our first date I took her to this amusement park, so for our second birthday together I took her back to the same park and when we were at the top of the Ferris wheel I asked her to marry me."

You were so nervous that day, you had barely enjoyed the attractions, so afraid she was going to say no. She said yes right away, and your happiness at hearing that word seemed big enough to cover the entire world.

She wouldn't say yes today, you're sure of this.

"Do you mind if I smoke?" he asks.

"No, go ahead."

He takes the pack from his pants pocket and you see it's the same cheap brand of cigarettes you yourself have been smoking since you were a teenager. That surprises you, you would think that either he would smoke a more expensive brand, or that he would have stopped smoking at that point.

He opens the window and lets some smoke out of his lips after taking a drag. And part of you thinks it's one of the sexiest things you've ever seen. The other part starts thinking about lung cancer.

Your mother, and more recently your daughter, were always talking about how smoking was bad for your health and how you would likely end up with your lungs rotting from the inside.

All those things that didn't make you feel anything when you thought about them happening to you, when you think about them happening to him felt like horrible tragedies.

“Like I said you can smoke here, but you shouldn't in general. You're a smart man Sang-woo, you know it's bad for you.”

“I've tried quitting a bunch of times, in 2007 I even went all year without smoking. But then 2008 happened.”

“What happened in 2008?”

"The financial crisis to begin with."

“I thought this was something that had affected mostly the United States. Something related to the real estate market, I never quite understood.”

“No, things got pretty bad around here too. You know how it is, America sneezes and the whole world catches a cold. Many people were laid off at the firm where I worked because of the crisis.” he says, and you're sure you can hear some bitterness in his voice.

"Were you one of them?"

He seems to hesitate for a moment, then says:

"Yes. I was."

“That sucks. I'm sorry that happened to you.”

"It was years ago."

“Yeah, but getting fired always sucks. Even today I get kind of sad when I think about the factory. Work wasn't fun like at the restaurant, but I had good friends there, and it was nice to have that security of a paycheck every month.”

"So what happened to the restaurant?"

"Well, things didn't work out and I didn't have more money to pay my employees and suppliers so I had to close. I still think my food was good, way better than a lot of the stuff you find out there. But it turned out that I wasn't that good at managing everything.”

"You could have asked for my help with the administration part, I would have helped if you'd said something."

You had actually considered this possibility. You were even excited for a minute to have a good excuse to talk to him and maybe spend some time with him, until you remember all the reasons why you shouldn't.

"Maybe I should have. But now it's over, there's no point in thinking about what could have been. That kind of thing just makes you sad in the end.”

"Yes."

"Your suit jacket is still there in case you want it back."

"What?"

"The restaurant is closed but my contract stipulates that I have to pay rent until the end of the year and you left your suit jacket there on the day of the party."

You know the one I took off you and threw it on the floor while I kissed you, You add mentally.

You spent weeks waiting and fearing that he would show up to get that forgotten piece of clothing, but he never did. And for over a year it hung behind one of the chairs as a personal reminder of what a horrible husband you were. Now the chair was gone, as was most of the furniture that used to fill the place. But the suit jacket was still there.

Sometimes when things are really bad at home you go to sleep in that empty room that once was your restaurant on an inflatable mattress, and you use the suit jacket as a pillow or to cover yourself on the coldest nights.

"You can keep it, I have a lot of suits."

"Okay...hey I just realized something."

"What?"

"Me being your driver, taking you places, just like in the old days."

"Yes, and a lot more comfortable now than on your bike."

"What are you talking about? My bike was super comfortable.”

“For you who were cycling, for me a lot less. It was so hard to find balance when you accelerated. I spent most of the journey to school thinking I was going to fall flat on my face.”

You laugh.

"If you just held me it would probably have been a lot more comfortable and easier to balance yourself."

"Yes, I should have done that. No one to blame but me I guess"  

You park the car.

“Mr. Cho, we have arrived at your destination.”

"Already?"

"Yeah, there's not much traffic at two a.m."

He rummages his pockets and puts some bills in your hand.

"You can keep the change." he says.

"Thanks."

He should open the car door. He should leave. He shouldn't just stay there looking at you without saying anything.

"So can I go or do you want something else?" You say trying to break the tension.

“No, nothing. You can go." he says and gets out of the car. "Good night Gi-hun, it was good to see you."

"It was good to see you too."

He smiles after hearing this, but his smile looks kind of sad.

"Goodbye."

"Bye."

You drive away and you purposely don't look in the rearview mirror.

Equally fearing and hoping that this would be the time you would see him still standing there watching you go away.

Chapter Text

You spent the week believing that you were going to spend the next sunday alone in front of the television, playing video games. You were looking forward to this day, in just focusing on whatever mission the game gave you rather than the mess your life had become.

However, the night before your mother called you and asked what you intended to do the next day and you made the mistake of saying you had no plans, which promptly led her to say that she wanted you to accompany her to the funeral for an acquaintance.

So here you are, taking her where she wants to go like a dutiful son.

But it's not too bad, you like to drive and it is great to have a car again. You've gone nearly two years without having one, and you were pretty sure your mother and your boyfriend were starting to get suspicious, there's a limited number of times a guy can tell he's still researching the available models before going ahead and making a purchase.

The reason you have a car now is because you started borrowing from your wealthiest clients' accounts. This is how you refer in your mind to what you have been doing, although the more accurate term would be embezzlement.

But you don't like to think of what you've been doing lately as that, just like loans that you fully intend to pay back as quickly as possible. And some of your clients have so much money, and a fair share of that was due to your financial management, and they didn't need it like you needed it. So far you've taken away enough to buy a car, pay off your most pressing debts and get the creditors off your back and enough to invest and if all goes well in the end you'll have enough to pay everyone back without them even noticing. Maybe even enough to pay the rest of your debts and maybe even get something good for yourself. 

But the problem is that safe investments are not as profitable as some of the most exciting possibilities on the market, and also the profits tend to come slowly. 

You remember reading about Bitcoin a few months after it was released in 2009 and thinking it was something really interesting and if you had money you would invest in it. In this scenario depending on how much you invested at the time you would have enough to pay off all your debts, more even maybe you could have been a rich man now.

If you could predict the next cryptocurrency that would make a difference in the market, or some other kind of promising technology, and you became an early investor, your life would be fixed.

Of course it was risky, but most people who lost money didn't have your education and experience in the financial market. You think about doing these things so much lately that it almost feels inevitable that you will.

.

.

.

Only when you get out of the car do you ask whose funeral it is.

"Gi-hun's father." Your mother says.

You stop in the middle of the hospital parking lot.

"Maybe I'd better wait in the car."

"Why?"

"I'm not sure Gi-hun would like to see me there. Things got weird the last few times we spoke."

"Sang-woo don't be ridiculous. Of course he would like to see you, he always asks how you are when we meet on the street."

"Asking how a person is doing is one thing, wanting to see them is something quite different."

Your mother crosses her arms.

"Sang-woo, he went to your father's funeral, it's only fair that you go to his too. Or did you forget about that?"

"I didn’t forget."

"So let's go."

You take a deep breath, giving up.

"Fine."

When you arrive at the hospital chapel where the funeral is being held you are surprised by how empty the place is.

Present are Gi-hun, his mother, his daughter, and not even half a dozen people from the neighbourhood. 

At your father's funeral, the chapel spent the three days filled to capacity, with people leaving and arriving all the time.

Your mother goes to meet Gi-hun's mother, and you go to him.

Gi-hun is sitting on one of the benches in the corner with his daughter, both are looking at the cell phone screen, each with an earbud. 

He only notices your presence when you're standing in front of him.

"Hey. You are here." He says taking the earbud off, looking surprised by your presence.

"Hi. I’m sorry for your loss."

"Thank you...So Ga-yeong do you remember him? You've met him before. He was dressed like a pirate at the time."

"No, I’m sorry." The girl says to you. 

"No need to apologize. You were very young. My name is Sang-woo, I'm a friend of your dad’s."

"Nice to meet you again."

"Nice to meet you again too. And I’m sorry about your grandad."

"Thank you. Why were you dressed like a pirate the last time I met you?"

“Because your father made me wear an eye patch and a pirate hat. It was at a costume party.”

“I don't remember this party, but I think I've seen pictures of it. But you weren't in them.”

"That's because I left early."

For an uncomfortable moment your eyes meet Gi-hun's, you decide to avert your eyes from his and focus on the girl.

“I don't like parties very much. So I have a tendency to leave early, or just make up an excuse not to go in the first place.”

"I don't like parties very much either."

"Really? I wouldn't expect that from Gi-hun's daughter, your father always loved parties, he even dragged me to a few when we were younger.”

"I think I'm more like my mom."

“Speaking of your mother, where is she? I can't see her around here.”

Ga-yeong opens her mouth to respond, but before she can speak Gi-hun interrupts her and says:

"Work. She is working."

"On a Sunday?"

"Yes." he says and you think he's lying but you decide not to press him.

"Anyway, I'll pay my respects to your mother now, and I will talk with you two later?"

“Okay.” Gi-hun and Ga-yeong say at the same time.

As you said, you go to Mrs. Seong and pay your respects, and then you go look at the coffin.

And there you get a small fright.

The man in the coffin looks so much like Gi-hun that it's bizarre to look at. Of course he's older by twenty or thirty years, his hair is gray and short. But in his face there are so many of the features you've spent your life looking at and thinking about, the shape of his nose and mouth, the curve of his chin.

"Weird, right?" Gi-hun says beside him.

"Very. I forgot he looked so much like you.”

"Yes. Ga-yeong even got a bit scared when she saw him.”

"I don't blame her. It’s quite unsettling."

Now that the initial shock had passed you were starting to see some differences, their ears were different, so were their hands, and you think the man in the coffin is maybe a little shorter than Gi-hun, but it's still a pretty disturbing sight.

"Can I talk to you outside for a minute?" Gi-hun asks.

"Yes." You say and follow him out of the chapel.

Your mind starts to think of all the possible topics he might want to discuss outside. You conclude that he will most likely ask for a loan to pay the funeral costs, that would not be ideal, but you think you could take a bit more of some of your clients’ money if he really needs it.

A very unlikely topic would be if he asked what you wanted to say to him the last time you guys met, just over a year ago. And yet it's what you think about most.

.

.

.

Please give me a chance, I can make you so much happier than she does.

Those were the words that were in your head the last time you spoke to him. And as bizarre as you find it now, the words that were almost said out loud. 

Although your feelings have been constant for most of your life, you never considered making any kind of love declaration or request of reciprocity to him, and yet that day the words almost came out of nowhere.

And what stopped you from saying had nothing to do with the ridiculousness of begging a married man to leave his wife for you, but rather because you realized that you didn't have enough evidence to back up your statement.

You had no proof that you could make him happy or even be a good partner for him. The most that can be said about your current relationship is that you are an adequate boyfriend, perhaps even less than adequate considering how easily you would be willing to break up with your current partner if some more satisfying arrangement presented itself. You think maybe with Gi-hun it would be different, but you don't have any evidence to support that assumption.

And as for the non-emotional aspects of your value as a partner, you would have to lie a lot to present yourself as a desirable option. Maybe it would be easy to fool him, Gi-hun already believes you are far more successful than you really are. You could easily have presented yourself as the kind of partner for whom it would be worth leaving behind fifteen years of marriage. Not like someone in debt, who failed most of the things he's tried in life, not someone who would bring with him so much baggage and trouble.

But you didn't want this with him. Generally you don't have much of a problem with lying and manipulating to get what you want, you don't enjoy these things but you see them as a necessary evil to get the things you want or need. But with him you have this desire to do things right.

You're pretty sure you did the right thing by not saying anything, and yet in your year away from him the words kept coming back to you.

.

.

.

"Do you have a cigarette?" Gi-hun asks when you guys come outside.

"Huh?"

"A cigarette. I haven't smoked all day, and I really need one.”

"Is this what you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Yes. If I asked you inside, my daughter would scold me, she doesn’t like that I smoke. It's okay if you don't have it, I can ask someone else.”

"I have one. Here." You say and take the pack out of your pocket and give it to him.

He puts the cigarette in his mouth and you light it with your lighter.

"Thanks." he says after taking the first drag.

He puts his back against the wall for support, and so do you.

"I thought you had quit smoking." You say.

"Why would you think that?"

"Because only last year you were annoying me to stop."

“I don't think that conversation should count as me annoying you. I just said you should stop. And I still think you should.”

"And you don't see any hypocrisy in that?"

"No. My life isn't worth as much as yours.”

A few times over the years you've thought things like that in your moments of resentment and insecurity. How you were worth more than him because of your intelligence and your potential. But now hearing Gi-hun say it out loud felt so wrong.

"I disagree."

"Thanks, I guess...I'm sorry for being a downer today."

“It would be weird if you weren't. You don't have to be fun and try to entertain me, you can talk about what you want and I'll listen. Okay?"

"Are you being serious? Or is this something people say to people who are grieving but that they are not really supposed to accept?"

"I'm being serious. You told me once that sometimes you weren't sure if we were friends or not, and I understand why my behavior would make you have those doubts. But I'm telling you now that I'm your friend, and you can talk to me.”

"Okay...Do you remember the day of your father's funeral?"

This was not what you were expecting. You swallow.

"Hmm. Yes, we can discuss that if you want, but why do you want to talk about that night now?”

“Sang-woo for fucksake I'm not talking about the sex. It's not all about you, you know?"

"What was I supposed to think when you mention that day specifically?"

“Okay, I think that's fair. But I wasn't talking about the sex or you.”

"So what about that day you would like to discuss?"

“After me and my mom got back from the funeral, but before I went to your house. I kept thinking about what it would be like when my father died. And I decided back then that it wouldn't matter that much, because my dad wasn't like your dad, I remember so little of the time when he still lived with us and what I do remember isn't very good. And yet-”

"The reality is different."

"Yes. But it shouldn't be, you know? He never helped my mom with money to raise me, and I can count in my hands the number of times I've seen him since I turned ten. He didn't even come to my wedding. Even you came to my wedding. This is the first time my daughter saw him. I shouldn't miss him, I shouldn't feel so sad. I even cried about him yesterday, like I was twelve again. How stupid can I be?”

“It's not stupid. You told me once that you don't think it's worth thinking about what could have been, but it's impossible not to do that sometimes, it's okay if you're sad not for the father he was, but for the father he could have been. Or because now he'll never get the chance to be now. And it's okay if you're sad for the man he was. In theory love should be a meritocracy, you should love only people who are good to you and who really deserve it, but reality doesn't always work that way.”

“Yes, it should be like that. You know, sometimes he said he loved me, when he still showed up when I was little, always right before he said goodbye and it didn't sound like he was lying. And it was nice to hear but then when he left I got mad at him every time, because what was the point of him saying that if he didn't do anything to make me feel loved?”

"I'm sorry. You deserved more from him.”

"Maybe yes."

"Not maybe, you deserved it."

"Thanks."

He was silent for a moment, the cigarette in his hand was almost finished.

"So how's your life going?" he asks.

"Same as always."

“Are you still with that guy? The lawyer?"

"Yes."

“Three years, right?”

"Yes."

"Do you intend to marry him or something?"

"Not. It's not legal here.”

"But it will be eventually, I heard something the other day about how it's probably going to become legal in Taiwan soon."

“Yeah, but it's Taiwan, it's a much less conservative country. Here it will probably take a long time.”

"Yes, but I wasn't really talking about the legal aspects of a marriage."

"So what were you talking about?"

“Just, you know time is passing, we're getting old. I'm asking if he really is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.”

Your automatic answer to that question would be no. But it wasn't that simple, so far your experiment in monogamy hadn't resulted in the feelings you thought might arise over time. But it was convenient, and you and your boyfriend got along reasonably well. It was better than nothing. It was better than spending the rest of your life alone.

"Maybe."

Gi-hun gets silent after that, with his only focus seeming to be on smoking the cigarette until the end, which doesn't take long. 

"Shall we go back inside?" he says after throwing his cigarette butt into a garbage can.

"Yes."

In the hallway he asks:

"Will you stay here until the cremation people come to take the body?"

"If you want, yes."

He hesitates for a moment, then says:

"I do want."

"Then I’ll stay."

"So that’s all it takes?"

At another time it would have taken more, and perhaps even more would not have been enough. But now having him saying he wanted you there really was all you required.

"I think I find funerals to be more bearable events than parties."

He laughs.

"That is not something you should be proud of."

"I didn't say I was proud to be like that, it's just the way things are."

"Alright. I'll keep that in mind the next time I have to go to a funeral, I'll ask you to be my plus one.”

"Good. I'll be waiting."

Chapter Text

For the past two hours you started to think of the bartender in front of you as your best friend in the world. One of the best people you've ever had the pleasure of meeting, you even offered to share some of your soju with him even though you bought the bottles with the intention of drinking it completely alone.

So you really don't understand why he decided to start acting like an asshole out of nowhere.

“I already said that I'll show up here tomorrow to pay. Why are you being so mean?” You say almost crying.

The bartender looks at you like he doesn’t know what to say in response to that.

“Do you want me to beg on my knees? Fine I can beg, I'm not a prideful man.” You say and start to kneel down, but somehow in your inebriated state you end up falling to the ground.

Lying on the floor you see the bartender's face above you looking kind of worried, and then another face. A very familiar face looking very worried.

"Gi-hun Hyung?" Sang-woo says.

You close your eyes, hoping in vain that when you open them again it will be another face looking at you from above.

You open your eyes.

It's still him.

Why does it have to be him of all people? You think you could bare anyone else in the world seeing you like this, except for him.

Sang-woo bends down and then helps you to get up.

"What's going on here?" Sang-woo asks the bartender instead of you.

"He drank three bottles of soju and now is refusing to pay." the bartender says.

“I'm not refusing to pay, I said I will pay everything later. That is something completely different!” You say.

Sang-woo takes a deep breath.

"Give me his bill, I'll pay."

At that moment a man you don't know comes up to you two and asks:

"Sang-woo what's going on?"

You hope this isn't the lawyer you've heard so much about, this would be a person you'd like to see you like this even less than Sang-woo. His stupid boyfriend with his important work, international travels and university education. The man who was good enough for him in all the ways you would never be.

You bury your face against Sang-woo's shoulder.

“A friend of mine is having troubles. I'm going to have to reschedule our meeting and take him home. I'm very sorry."

You lift your head a little and see that the man looks a bit irritated now.

"Fine. Have your assistant call mine.”

Sang-woo nods, and the man walks away.

"So are you going to tell me why you're this drunk at two in the afternoon on a tuesday?" he asks you.

"No."

"Did you eat something too or just drink?"

"I just drank."

He rolls his eyes.

“We're not twenty anymore, and even if we were three bottles of soju it would be too much for one person to drink alone, and on an empty stomach on top of all. It's not like a spritz, the alcohol content is very high.”

"I know that."

"Then why did you do something so stupid?"

"Because I'm a stupid person, you should know that already." You say and stop touching him.

You start to stagger towards the exit of the bar. When you're almost outside, he catches you. And puts your arm over his shoulder and starts to guide you towards his car that's parked on the sidewalk.

He opens the car's back door and says:

"Get in."

You do what he says.

"What are you doing?" You ask when you are already inside.

“Taking you home, I can't leave you alone in downtown Seoul in this state. Where do you live?" he says sitting in the front seat.

"Nowhere."

Sang-woo takes a deep breath, you can see you're pissing him off.

"Gi-hun, you're acting like a child." he says.

"Gi-hun, you're acting like a child." You repeat in a mocking tone.

"Fine, don't tell me." he says and starts driving.

You lie down in the backseat and close your eyes.

.

.

.

You don't sleep in the car, but you only open your eyes again when you feel the car parking. You open your eyes expecting to be in Ssangmundong, but instead you find yourself still in the city center in front of the building where he lives.

"Let's go." Sang-woo says outside the car, opening the door for you.

When you're outside, he once again places one of your arms over his shoulder and begins to guide you to the entrance and eventually to the elevator.

There you step away from him and lean your back against the metal wall inside the elevator and examine your reflection. His building's elevator is one of those with a big mirror and you look wrecked. Sang-woo doesn't look so good either, though sober and well dressed his face looks tired and worried. And unlike you, he's not looking at the reflection, you can see he's looking directly at you.

“What happened Gi-hun? Were you fired?”

"Hard to get fired when you don't have a job."

"Did you have a fight with your wife?"

"No."

That was true, you didn't fight with your wife, after all you no longer had a wife. Legally since today at eleven in the morning when you signed the papers in her attorney's office. But in a practical sense for over a year.

The elevator stops on the fifteenth floor and you follow Sang-woo to the apartment at the end of the hall. Sang-woo's apartment is spacious, and tastefully decorated, technically far better than anywhere you've ever lived. But there's something rather unsettling about the place, after a moment you realize that the apartment looks like a furniture display in a store, not like a place where a person actually lives. As far as you could see there was nothing that really reminded you of Sang-woo in that place, it was an apartment that could have belonged to anyone.

"Wait here." he says and leaves the room.

You sit on the couch, and it's very soft. Very comfortable. You really wish this was your couch. You realize you forgot to take your shoes off at the entrance, even though you're over forty you're pretty sure your mother would scold you for your rudeness if she could see you now.

You lay down on the couch and it feels so good. You've spent most of the past year sleeping in your car, and unfortunately the seats were far less comfortable than Sang-woo’s couch.

"It's not time to sleep yet Hyung, drink this first." Sang-woo says.

You open his eyes and see that he has returned to the room carrying a large glass of water.

"I'm not thirsty."

“I don't care, drink. There's too much alcohol in your blood, we need to dilute it a little. So drink water.”

"Just let me sleep Sang-woo I'm tired."

"No. Drink first.”

“Why are you trying to take care of me? You are not good at this. You should have left me behind at the bar, that kind of thing is your specialty.”

You regret the words as soon as they're out of your mouth. They are mean, and although you sometimes think mean things like most people, you almost never say them out loud. And you don't think they're completely fair, like sure so much of your moments with him consisted of seeing him walk away and leave you behind, but at your father's funeral he'd stayed until the end. He let you talk about your father and when you guys got back to the chapel he talked to Ga-yeong telling her stories of your shared childhood. It had been sweet, some things he told you yourself had forgotten but came back in flashes in your mind as he told them . That day was horrible before he arrived, after it still wasn't a good day, but it wasn't too bad because he had decided to stay.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.” You say.

“Yes, you shouldn't. But it's alright. Just drink water please.”

You sit down and do as he says.

"Can I sleep now?"

"All right." he says "Just lie on your side so if you end up throwing up you don't end up choking to death."

"Okay." You say and close your eyes.

.

.

.

When you open your eyes again, it's dark outside. You are no longer wearing your shoes and you have a blanket covering you.

You get up from the sofa and go to the window, you can see a lot of the city center from this height. The city hasn't been kind to you these past few years, but it still looks very pretty at night, with all those shiny lights glowing against the darkness.

"You’re awake." Sang-woo says behind you.

You turn to see him. He's wearing a green shirt and what appear to be pajama pants instead of his usual suit.

"Yeah, and I didn't throw up on your couch."

"Good to know. It's after eleven, you've slept a lot. You should call your wife, she must be worried.”

Okay, now is the time to tell the truth. You still don't want to do it, but you feel you owe him an explanation.

"No, she is not. I don't have a wife anymore, I signed the damn papers she wanted me to sign this morning. That's why you found me like that. I don't do things like that all the time.”

Sang-woo is silent for a few seconds before saying:

“I know you don't. You're kinda sweaty, you better take a shower. I have this towel and these clothes for you to wear.” he says, picking up a small pile of clothes that was already laid out in the armchair next to the sofa.

You smell your shirt and he's right, you stink.

"Okay. Where is the bathroom?" You say taking the towel and clothes from his hands.

"First door on the left."

You go to the indicated room and there is a bathtub there, you turn on the water and watch it fill as you take off your clothes. You also take off your wedding band.

This isn't common for you, the ring is made of gold (the pair took a good part of your factory pay that month), so you can shower in it without rusting it or risking losing it’s shine, and you've done it for the past fifteen years. You look now at the only golden thing you ever owned.  Despite being a symbol of something that no longer exists, that little golden circle still shined as bright now against the bathroom lights as it would have fifteen years ago. You leave it in the sink and get into the bathtub.

It's been a long time since you last used a bathtub, the last time was over ten years ago, when you and the woman who was now your ex-wife went for a week's vacation and stayed in a hotel near the beach. There was one night you and her spent the entire night having sex in that bathtub. It had been fun.

You wonder if Sang-woo has ever had sex with his boyfriend in the bathtub you are in now. It doesn't look big enough for two people, but theoretically it could be possible. Where there’s a will there’s a way. 

The images are still passing through your head, you having sex with her and Sang-woo having sex with some unknown man. It doesn't take long for the images to merge and to be you and him in the bathtub.

.

.

.

After your bath you dress in the clothes Sang-woo gave you, they smell like they've just been washed. They felt good, but a part of you wished they were used, that they smelled a bit like him. Like the suit jacket he had left behind in the restaurant, for some time it still smelled a little like him, but soon the smell was gone.

You don't put the ring back on your finger. It seems wrong now that all hope of reconciliation is gone. You think you could get good value for it if you pawned it, but that feels wrong too. So you decide to just leave it in the sink, leave it to Sang-woo to find it and decide what to do with it.

When you come out of the bathroom you smell food and your belly starts to rumble. You follow the scent and end up in the kitchen.

For a few seconds you lean against the doorway and watch Sang-woo in front of the stove.

"I didn't know you cooked."

“I have lived alone for over twenty years. I have to feed myself somehow, it would be weird if I didn't know how.”

"Yeah, that makes sense."

“You can sit at the table, I'll put it on for us. You still like pasta, right?”

"Yes I do."

You sit down and keep looking at him, it still feels weird to see him without a suit on. And doing something as mundane as cooking. Almost as if you were doing something wrong, like looking at something you shouldn’t really be allowed to see, something that should only belong to someone else's eyes.

"Sang-woo, are these clothes you gave me yours or the lawyer's?"

"Mine. He and I are no longer together.”

It takes all your self-control not to smile when you hear this.

“Oh. I'm sorry. Why did you break up?”

“Well, one day I was at work and he was here and he decided to use my computer, and he ended up seeing some things he didn't like. And when I got back, we talked about it and he thought it best to end our relationship.”

"Like some kind of weird porn?"

“No, nothing like that. It was some financial stuff. I've been doing some things that are a little risky, and if it became public and they found out about our relationship it would ruin his professional reputation.”

"He sounds like an asshole, putting his reputation and work in front of you."

“I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing if I were in his shoes, but I wish he'd at least been a little more understanding of why I was doing it. But people like him never understand how difficult things can be when you don't have a rich dad behind you to back you up on everything."

"I imagine."

"But anyway he's probably right, it's not fair for me to get involved with anyone until I get these things fixed. Like you said, I need to think about how my actions affect others."

You can't help but feel a wave of disappointment. It wasn't like you thought he was going to throw himself at you the moment he heard about your divorce, but you thought maybe something could happen since it's the first time the two of you have been single at the same time in so many years.

"When did I say that?"

"At your birthday party."

You grunt.

The advice you gave sounds good overall, Sang-woo was a lot more self-centered and selfish than you wish he was. But you can't help but feel like your past self is basically cockblocking you. Maybe it's some kind of punishment from the universe for kissing him when you shouldn't, now that you technically can he doesn't want to.

"I'm not sure you should listen to the advice I gave you that day, I was emotional and I drank a lot of soju and tequila before you got to the party. You'd better forget everything I said."

"I'm afraid that's not possible, I spent a lot of time thinking about the things you said that night. The words are kind of engraved into my mind now." he says and puts a plate of pasta in front of you.

"Thank you,. I will eat well tonight."

"You're welcome."

And he sits down beside you and starts eating.

You eat reasonably fast, you were much hungrier than you realized. The pasta he prepared it's simple but it tastes good. From what you can taste for seasoning he used garlic, salt, and a little bit of tomato sauce. In its place, you would have added a bit of pepper and olive oil to give it a more distinctive taste. But even though it's simple, it feels special. It's the first meal prepared by him that you've ever eaten, and you think there is a good chance of being the only one you'll ever eat.

He finishes right after you and puts the dishes in the sink.

"I will wash in the morning." he says.

"Alright. Do you want me to go now, or-"

“You can sleep here if you want. It's pretty late.”

"Okay. Thank you, for everything really. I'm sorry I was kind of rude when you found me.”

"It’s fine, I know today was a tough day for you."

"It was."

He sits down beside you again;

"So do you want to talk about your divorce?"

"If I talk I'll probably end up crying."

“If crying is what you need to do, you can cry. You were right earlier when you said I don't know how to take care of people, but I can listen if you want to talk.”

"I do want."

"So talk."

"Well, I don't really know where to start."

"You could start by telling me why you chose to get a divorce?"

“It wasn't really my choice. She was the one who wanted a divorce, if it had been my choice I would have stayed married forever.”

Sang-woo is silent for a few seconds and then asks:

"Alright. Why did she ask you for a divorce? Did she give you any explanation?”

"She says it's because I'm a bad husband, that I have no responsibility for anything and that I keep losing my money and hers gambling and that she's tired of living in debt for having made the mistake of choosing me as a husband."

"But don't you think that's the reason?"

"I think these things count, but it's not the real reason. In 2011 things were even worse than they are today in terms of money, but she still stayed with me. But a couple of years ago she met this guy at her work and then she asked me for a divorce last year. I spent the last few months trying to convince her to change her mind, but it didn't work and last week she said if I didn't sign she would go ahead and file for a litigious divorce and besides having to spend a lot of money on lawyers, I ran the risk of losing the rights to see my daughter. So I signed."

"I'm sorry."

"And now she's going to marry him and live happily ever after without me."

"Seems fast."

"Yes, but there's a reason for that, she's already pregnant with his baby."

"Any chance the baby is yours and not his?"

“None, we don't do activities that result in baby making for a while if you know what I mean. Last year when I saw you I was no longer living with her.”

"Why didn't you tell me?"

“Because it was embarrassing. It's not good to fail at things, and I care what you think of me. I always did. Anyway I think the baby is the reason she's been rushing the divorce so much, so she can marry that guy as fast as possible so her stupid baby isn't a bastard.”

"Doesn't seem rushed to me, I think she did the right thing."

"Damn it Sang-woo, can't you be on my side and not hers?"

“I am on your side, that means I want what's best for you, and staying married to someone who's in love with someone else doesn't seem like the best thing. Would you rather for her to stay with you even though she is in love with this other man?”

“If she was still in love with me too, yes I would rather. It's perfectly normal for a married person to develop feelings for someone else, it happens all the time. But you usually stay with the person you married. Or at least you do if you still love the person, even a little bit."

You feel the tears start to fill your eyes. And it's almost a miracle they didn't show up sooner considering the day you had.

Sang-woo doesn't say anything, but he leans closer, placing his hand on your shoulder.

"I know I should be grateful for what my marriage has brought me, I have my daughter who is the best girl in the world, I know most parents say that but that's because they don't know her. And I should feel satisfied because I was really happy for a while, and I made her happy too, our first few years together were so good, you would never guess seeing us now but they really were. And even in the bad years there were good times between the fights. But I can't, I hate her for stopping loving me, and I hate myself for being the kind of man that it's so easy to stop loving. I have always wanted to be someone a person could love their entire life.”

"You are." he says without any hesitation, his hand going to your face, wiping away the tears that started to fall from your eyes with his thumb.

You're almost sure he's speaking hypothetically, but you're not completely sure. And it would be so good if he was saying what you want to hear, it would be so good if it wasn't just you.

And as always, a little hope is enough.

You hold his face between your hands and kiss him softly on the lips.

Chapter Text

Gi-hun kisses you. And you weren't expecting it, but in retrospect you think you should have predicted something like this would happen.

This whole day had been so weird, and you hadn't been able to think clearly since the moment he said he was divorced, your mind full of contradictory thoughts and emotions about it.

Gi-hun keeps kissing you, lightly at first, almost as if he's touching something delicate instead of you, then he deepens the kiss, his tongue going to your mouth.

You pull away and he looks very hurt for a moment and says:

"You don’t want me too?"

"I do want you. I really do. But you're obviously vulnerable, and probably still a bit drunk. And I told you: I can't be in a relationship right now, my life is too messed up. I can't do this, okay?”

“Yes you can, I don't think I'm drunk anymore, but even if I am it's certainly not to the point of incoherence, I can consent and stuff. And I'm not asking for a relationship, just for one night. Please, you can even kick me out of your house in the morning like last time, I can even leave before you wake up. I don't want to be alone tonight."

"I never kicked you out of my house."

"Yes you did, but that doesn't matter anymore." He says and starts placing light but warm kisses on your neck.

The kisses go up behind your ear and there he whispers:

"You were so nice to me today, let me be nice to you too."

You think a better man than you could resist that, but you're just you so when he's going to kiss you again you kiss him back and wrap him in your arms, pulling him to towards you to feel him more.

Soon he ends up lying with his back against your kitchen table, and you're on top of him, kissing him more, your hands going under the shirt he's wearing, feeling the usually hidden skin below.

You kiss his neck and that makes him laugh.

"It tickles." Gi-hun says.

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No, I like it. I like everything you do to me."

This statement contradicts some of the things he's said in the past, but you think better not to argue.

You feel him starting to get hard under you.

"I think we better go to my room, I think this table isn't strong enough to hold two people on top of it for too long."

"Yes, it doesn't seem very safe."

"Let's go." You say leaving the table.

And he follows your example.

The walk from the kitchen to your bedroom feels bizarrely long, and a part of you with every step thinks he's going to realize this is a bad idea and tell you he changed his mind. And you keep thinking about what he told you at the birthday party, how he wished you had never kissed him or had sex with him because that had only made things harder for him in the long run.

The desires of what you wanted your relationship with him to be like kept changing since that night. There were days when you thought about asking him to leave his wife and be with you instead. There were days when you thought this wasn't even necessary, that he could have you even if he stayed married, as long as you could have him too, even just a little bit of him, whatever he wanted to give you. There were days when you wished you could just forget about any romantic feelings you ever had for him, and just be one of his friends without wanting anything else, go back to those childhood days before you realized that what you felt for him was so different than what you felt for anyone else.

Of the many wishes and wants you've had relating to him since that day, the only constant one is that you never want to make him suffer again. You don't think having sex with him today is going to cause him any more pain, but before he said it explicitly you never suspected that you had hurt him the other time. You never thought you could matter that much to him.

“So here we are-” You start to say as you arrive in the bedroom but you are interrupted by him kissing you and pushing you onto the bed.

You expect him to keep kissing you, but instead for a while he just keeps lying on top of you. Looking at you, touching your lips with his fingertips, a soft smile on his face. If you hadn't seen it with your own eyes you would never have believed that he was crying not long ago.

When you were young you thought his smile, although beautiful and charming, was basically irrelevant considering how easily he seemed to smile at everyone. Now it's hard for you to think of anything that could matter more than making him smile, probably because you've seen him miserable so many times over the past few years.

You don't know if you could make him happy in the long run. But now you're pretty sure he's happy and he's happy because of you.

"I like to see you smile." Gi-hun says.

You didn’t realise you were smiling. You think the two of you must look really ridiculous from the outside, just two forty something men looking at each other smiling like a couple of idiots. But it does feels nice. 

He starts kissing your neck again, and one of his hands goes to your crotch, feeling the erection under your clothes.

"Do you want me to blow you? I've never done it before, but I think I understand the theory." He says.

“I was thinking of something different. Do you want to fuck me?”

Gi-hun looks surprised for a moment, but then he nods. And adds:

"Yes. Yes, I think I would like that a lot. A lot. If you want of course, if not we can do something different.”

"I wouldn't have offered if I didn't want to."

You get out of bed. And Gi-hun looks kind of confused watching as you look for the lube in one of your nightstand drawers.

"I need to make some preparations first, it's not like vaginal sex." You explain.

"Sang-woo for fucksake I know that! You know I'm not as dumb as you seem to think I am."

He looks genuinely offended, it’s kind of adorable, and you can't help but laugh a little.

"I'm sorry. You'd be surprised how many people don't know."

Gi-hun is quiet for a moment before saying:

"Have you had many of these people in here?"

"No. Generally my partners tend to have a lot of prior experience."

"So I'm not really your pattern, right?"

"Yes."

Since you are already standing you decide to take off the rest of your clothes. And Gi-hun stares at you the entire time. You usually don't feel embarrassed about undressing in front of others. You know you have a good body. But as always with him it feels different, intimate, like you're revealing more than just skin.

"You should take off your clothes too." You say.

"Oh right. Sure." he says.

You had felt he getting kind of hard while you two kissed, but apparently watching you take your clothes off had been enough to make him completely hard.

You'd really like to blow him a little bit, but you're worried this will make him come faster, you're not sure how much stamina he normally has and you want to be able to feel him inside you for how long he can.

As always, some compromises need to be made to achieve the best results.

You also briefly think it would be great to fuck him. He had your first kiss, it feels fair that you get to have one of his first times too. But bottoming even with the right preparation tends to be a little painful the first time around and you want to give him an experience that is purely pleasurable tonight. You think maybe now that he's single he might want to explore his bisexuality more and maybe have some male sex partners and your mission for tonight is to make these hypothetical men look like crap compared to you.

"Put this on." you say and throw one of the condoms in the drawer on the bed.

Gi-hun nods again and does as you say.

You go back to bed, open the tube and spread the lube in your hand. Then you put two fingers inside yourself. And Gi-hun looks at this whole process with undeniable curiosity in his eyes. After a while he asks: 

"Can I do what you're doing?" 

"Yes."

You take your fingers off yourself, and puts some some lube on his hands.

"You can put three fingers already. I’m open enough."

Gi-hun nods and does as you say.

It's true that you don't really like the idea of having to teach an inexperienced person how to have sex, but as always he's your exception. And anyway the idea of someone else teaching him things like that irritates you to no end.

"You can stop now." You say after a while.

"Are you sure? On the internet it says it takes a little longer.”

"I know my body Hyung, I'm ready."

"Okay."

You push his torso toward the bed’s headboard and position yourself on top of him.

You lower yourself on his dick slowly, enjoying the feeling of him filling you up, and the expression on his face.

You only kiss him again when he's all the way inside you, holding his face between your hands and thinking how stupid you were to think there was ever any chance you were going to get over him.

One of his hands goes to your chest, the other to your dick, and they feel different than you remember, harder, they are the hands of a man who spent his entire life working. But they are still good, they are still his, it is still him. 

You ride him slowly, trying to memorize the feeling, engrave it in your mind, you want this to stay with you even when he is far away. He moans and closes his eyes.

He changes your positions by putting you under him, putting your legs on his shoulders. This position allows him to penetrate you deeper, and on the first thrust you let out a much louder groan than before.

"I'm sorry, did I hurt you?" He asks.

"No. Go on."

He continues, but much more slowly. After a while you grab his hips and say:

"Faster. Please Hyung.”

He does what you say and you continue to move your hips to meet his thrusts. He pulls you in for another kiss and you come feeling his tongue against yours.

You don't think you're gonna come again tonight but you keep moving, trying to give him as much pleasure as he gave you. Apparently it works because he comes fast after that.

He lies down with his back against the bed panting, you lie down beside him. You place your hand on his chest, feeling it move up and down.

"Gi-hun."

"Yes?" he says sounding almost completely out of breath.

"You really should stop smoking, even for a man of your age you're panting a lot more than you should be."

He looks at you bewildered for a moment and then he laughs.

"Sang-woo that is not romantic!"

"I worry about you."

"That's a bit better."

He starts to breathe more normally and lies on his side, his eyes in line with yours. He touches your face, and you think how nice it would be to wake up every morning and see him there beside you.

"I really missed you, you know?" he says.

"I missed you too."

And you will keep missing him. The anger you feel for yourself is almost as great as the love you feel for him right now. Because it should be the right time, but it isn't and the fault for things being like that lies exclusively with you. 

When your ex broke up with you he said it was incredibly selfish to have started committing crimes while you were in a relationship with him, that when it comes to these things people always think your partner knows, and so do the authorities. He said that you could have ruined his life. You said you hadn't considered that, and he said that was the whole problem.

You think now how being involved with someone who is technically a criminal could ruin Gi-hun's life. All the risks that seem acceptable when you think of them happening to you are the opposite when you think of them happening to him. Just for being with you he could be implicated as an accomplice, he could go to jail, he could lose his rights to see his daughter.

You are a selfish man, you have come to understand this about yourself in recent years. But you don't want to be, at least not when it comes to him. You want to fix your life and make of it a place that Gi-hun can be a part of without the risk of getting hurt because of you. And until then you will miss him.

But not now. 

Now you hold him, your chest against his back. Your chin resting on his shoulder. You close your eyes trying to memorize how this feels too.

.

.

.

You wake up in the morning, with your eyes still closed your hand goes to the other side of the bed hoping to find another body there with you. But you don't find it.

You open your eyes and he is not there.

You run your hand over empty space. You can still feel some of his warmth where Gi-hun had been lying, indicating that it hadn’t been that long since he left.

You stay quiet hoping to hear the sound of footsteps in the bathroom or kitchen. But there are none. It is just you alone in your apartment as in most mornings. 

Rationally you think it's better this way, saying goodbye to him is always so difficult and this time it would have been even worse. 

Still, you wish he'd stayed. 

You've had a whole night with him and it still doesn't feel like it's enough.

You remain with your hand where he was lying, feeling the small traces of his warm until the spot is completely cold.

Chapter Text

It's so strange to see the streets of Seoul so empty.

Just a few people on the sidewalks where there were usually hundreds. According to the news your country is handling the pandemic way better than most of the world, but it doesn't feel like that's the case when you're driving around the city, waiting for someone to order a ride in the app.

Your cell phone vibrates, but it's not a potential passenger, but a message from your mother asking you to buy milk, rice and a few other things before you go home. You send her an Ok and go back to waiting for a passenger who needs your driving services to show up.

A few minutes pass and a passenger appears, and the destination for the ride is on a street very close to where your daughter and ex-wife are now living. And after dropping off said passenger at the destination, you drive to the side of the building where your daughter lives and park your car on the sidewalk.

The building was much nicer than the one where you used to live with them, as was the apartment where they lived, (you had been inside a few times when you were going to pick up Ga-yeong to spend the afternoon with you). They finally had a living room big enough for the huge television you received as a wedding present. The television in question wasn't there, it had broken seven years ago, and your ex found someone willing to buy it to be taken apart and have its parts resold. But you could picture it in there, harmonious in that room in a way it never was in the places where you could afford the rent.

You pick up your cell phone and call Ga-yeong's number, she answers after two rings.

"Hello?" she says on the other side.

"Hey Princess."

"Hi Dad."

"Go to the window."

She does as you say and soon you see her face in one of the fifth floor windows. You smile and wave at her, and she waves back.

"Have you finished your classes today or are they still going on?"

"They just finished."

"Is your mother close by?"

"Yes."

"Pass the phone to her, I want to talk to her for a minute."

Ga-yeong does what you ask.

"Hello." Eun-ji says.

“Hi, um. How are you?"

"Fine. And you?"

“Okay, I guess. Ga-yeong said her classes are over for today, so I was wondering if you would let her come down to see me .”

"No."

"Come on, please. Don’t be mean."

“I'm not doing this to be mean. But I have to protect my family, you know my son has asthma. If he gets infected he could die.”

"I'm not gonna touch her or anything, I just want to see her a bit closer."

"That's what you said last time and then you hugged her even though you spent the entire day driving with strangers in your car."

"Please? You don't know how hard it is to be away from your child. I won't hug her this time.”

"No. I'm sorry but you're too irresponsible. I can't risk it.”

You feel like throwing your cell phone on the ground, and you almost do. What stops you is the fact that Ga-yeong is still at the window looking at you.

"Okay, just pass the phone to her again."

From the ground you can see your ex handing the cell phone to your daughter.

"Hey. I asked your mother if you could come down and see me for a bit but she said no.”

"I heard, I'm sorry."

“I'm sorry too. But anyway, tell me about your day.”

.

.

.

After talking to Ga-yeong for a while you went back to the car and got a couple more passengers. But after twenty minutes without any customers you started driving back to Ssangmundong. You're almost home when you remember the things your mom asked you to buy, so you turn around and stop at the nearest supermarket.

You're at the intersection of the dairy aisle when you end up bumping your shopping cart against another one that was coming around the corner.

“Oh shit. I’m sor-” You start to say but stop when you see who's behind the other shopping cart.

Like you his mouth and nose are hidden behind a face mask. But you would know those eyes anywhere.

"Hi." Sang-woo says.

"Hi. Why are you shopping so far from home?”

“It's for my mom, I went to visit her and she mentioned she needed a few things so I offered to come get it for her. Due to her age is better for her to stay at home.”

"I know. I'm also shopping for my mom.”

"Really?"

“Yeah, don't look so surprised. You're not the only person capable of being a good son, you know?”

“Sorry."

"Don’t worry about it."

“So, um-”

"Yes?"

“Do you know where the laundry detergents are? I've been looking for them for a while.”

"Yes, I do. I'll show you." You say starting to move your shopping cart forward.

And so does he.

And it's kind of weird, the last time you saw him was the morning after your divorce. That morning he looked so pretty sleeping that it took all of your self-control not to wake him up with a bunch of kisses. In retrospect you wish you had thought of taking a picture with your cell phone to have it as a keepsake, it would be nice to be able to look at his face whenever you wanted. You had already looked for him on all the social media sites you know and hadn't found any profile of his, on the days you really wanted to look at him for a bit you would go to his mom's store and buy something cheap just to have an excuse to look at his graduation photo for a bit, since your divorce Mrs Cho had gained a fair amount of extra profit from you just because of that photo.

It's kind of hard to think of something to talk about that doesn't have to do with the last night you spent with him or all the things he made you feel, but you don't want to make him uncomfortable, so you decide to go with the classic pandemic talk.

"So are you working from home or are you still going to the office?"

“From home, everything I need to do I can do online. And you?"

“Working from home is not really an option in my case. I don't have a steady job yet, I earn most of my money driving. But it's not that bad, I like to get out of the house, I would probably go crazy if I were in isolation, I don't know how your mother is doing but mine seems to be in a constant bad mood, if it weren't for the fear of getting a huge fine from the city hall she would probably go to work even with all the risks.”

“My mom isn't coping very well either. She doesn't complain to me that much, but I can see it's affecting her.”

“Yeah, because of things like that I think I'm lucky to be able to get out of the house. I can see the city. I even saw my daughter today. I mean sort of, I spoke to her on the phone while she looked at me from the window of the apartment she lives in now, her mother didn’t let her come down to see me closer.”

"She was probably trying to protect Ga-yeong, you must interact with a lot of people in your work, even if you take proper precautions there is always a risk."

"It wasn't Ga-yeong she was trying to protect, it was because of her stupid asthmatic toddler. It's all his fault."

“Gi-hun are you really mad at a toddler? An asthmatic toddler?”

“Sang-woo you don't know this toddler. I generally love toddlers, kids in general I really do. But this toddler I don't know what it is about him, he has this aura of arrogance that makes it impossible to like him.”

Sang-woo laughs and says:

"Gi-hun, that's horrible."

"And yet you're laughing."

"Me having a dark sense of humor doesn't make what you said any less horrible."

"If you knew him you would understand."

"Are you sure your problem is with him and not with who his parents are?"

“Wow. Straight to the point huh?”

"You don’t need to answer if you don’t want to."

“Nah. It’s fine. I admit that maybe a little bit of my dislike for the him has to do with who his parents are and it all happened before. But not completely, that kid gives off bad vibes.”

“If you say so.” 

“Yeah, the divorce hit me really hard, you saw me. But nowadays I think the divorce was the best thing to do, frankly I kind of wish I had accepted getting divorced sooner, probably would have spared a lot of pain for me and for her.” 

It was hard to know for sure with the mask, but Sang-woo looked a little happier now than he was when you encountered him. Or at least that was the impression you got from his eyes.

"That's very mature of you."

"You are surprised, right?"

"A little, yes."

"Good, it's not nice to be too predictable."

Sometimes you wish you had ended your marriage even before she asked for a divorce. Years before, even. Back when you noticed that she didn't smile at you anymore, maybe if you had you would have managed to have some kind of friendship with her now instead of always having that hostility and resentment behind all your interactions.

Eunji still doesn't smile at you, but in the photos you've seen in her apartment she's always smiling, and you've seen enough of the smiles she forced herself to give to know that the ones in the photos are genuine. You always feel a bit envious when you look at those photos, but not jealous. You don't want to take her away from that life. You just wish you could find the happiness she was able to find with her new husband.

But that feels metaphorically unreachable most of the time, even now when in a more literal sense it's right there beside you, pushing the other shopping cart. Ever since that night with Sang-woo, whenever you stop to imagine your life being good and happy, he's always there with you.

.

.

.

That night Sang-woo fell asleep almost immediately after the sex was over. You didn't sleep, it made sense since you had spent the entire afternoon sleeping on the couch. Though maybe even if that wasn't the case you might have stayed awake.

Having sex with him again had been a pretty intense experience, before that you hadn't realized how much you missed, not just having sex with someone else, but other things like having someone kiss you, hold you, or just simply touching you. It was like there was something in you that had been starving for a long time and had finally been fed. And the fact that it was with him rather than with some random person you met in a bar mattered so much.

In the hours while he was sleeping you got out of bed a few times, you took a look at his bookcase and you did the dishes for him, just a little surprise for when he went into the kitchen again, for you it always felt so good when a task you thought you would have to do had already been done by someone else.

But most of the time that night you just stayed in his bed beside him, watching him sleep. As you used to do sometimes on the nights when he asked you to sleep over at his house when you were teenagers, back then looking at him sleeping you used to think how nice it would be if he liked boys too, you really used to think that was the only barrier between you and a happily ever after with him. You thought life was going to be so much simpler when you were young.

That night you had a bit hope that maybe he would wake up before morning for you guys to have sex again, in the first hours you even considered waking him up for that purpose.

At other times you considered waking him up to ask him to let you stay there with him, not just in the morning, but permanently.

The terms of your proposal to him had been clear, just one night and you'd be out before he even woke up. And he'd done his part, it wasn't fair for you to ask for more after he'd been so good to you. But you wanted more.

You kept thinking there would probably be another man in his bed soon. And maybe this hypothetical man would be more sexually experienced than you, or better looking or smarter. But you very much doubted that there was anyone else in the city, in the world even, who wanted him as much as you did. Or someone for whom being with him would mean as much. And even if such a person did exist you thought you deserved more because of the seniority of your feelings. There was no one besides you who wanted him for so long and so constantly, you were sure of it. You couldn't help but feel that you deserved him more than anyone else. But you knew that didn't matter one bit, he had once even told you that love is not a meritocracy, and he was right. It's random, it's luck.

And luck hasn't been on your side in quite awhile.

You were sure it would be so ridiculous to ask him to be with you literally just hours after he specifically said he doesn't want a relationship. Also not even 24 hours after you signed your divorce papers.

And it would probably just put you in the same situation you've been in for the past few years.

Trying to stay married to someone who didn't want to stay married to you taught you that begging for love was far more humiliating than begging for money and worse with your ex it hadn't worked, in the end it had only made her resent you, maybe even hate you . And you couldn't stand the thought of him hating you too.

But still, even with all these factors against asking him you still weren't convinced you shouldn't because there were times you saw him looking at you not only like he wanted you, but also like he loved you. And that weighed almost as much as all the rational reasons against asking him to give you a chance to show what a good boyfriend you could be to him.

So you've decided to place a little bet, to put your fate in the hands of the universe. If he woke up by himself before it was clear outside you would talk to him. And you spent the next two hours half looking at him and half looking at the cracks in the curtain, until it became undeniable that the sun had risen and he was still asleep.

You got dressed again in the clothes he lent you, got your dirty clothes from the bathroom. And before leaving you went to the bed again and placed a very light kiss (so as not to wake him up) on his forehead.

And then you left.

In the elevator you tried to cheer yourself up saying that maybe it wasn't the end, if he woke up and decided he wanted you for more than one night, he knew where to find you.

You had to walk a lot to get to the place where your car was parked, but it wasn't that bad, that early morning sun felt good against your skin.

You had once seen an american movie refer to leaving the house of someone you had a one night stand with as a walk of shame. You felt a lot of things walking around the city that morning, but shame wasn't one of them.

Less than twenty-four hours before when you signed the divorce papers you felt like something inside your heart had been permanently broken at that moment. But the next morning it felt like that wasn’t the case anymore.

Your heart was bruised and bleeding, for her and for him, but not permanently broken.

.

.

.

You show Sang-woo where the laundry detergents are and then the jellies and the toothpastes.

You pick up the things you need along the way. And you notice something a little strange, Sang-woo keeps choosing whichever brand has the lowest price.

You recognize the habit because you've done the same thing yourself many times in the past, but it wasn't something you'd expect from him. Last time you were with him, Sang-woo had mentioned that he was doing some risky things related to money, and that was why he couldn't be in a relationship. Since then you've sometimes thought that this was just an excuse, a way for him to let you down easy. But maybe there was some truth to that, and maybe the risks he took didn't yield the profits he expected.

You two go to the supermarket checkout counter with the shortest queue. He goes first.  

"I'm sorry sir, it says here you don't have enough funds on your card." the supermarket cashier says to Sang-woo after swiping his card on the machine.

"I'm sure there's enough, pass it again."

She passes the card again.

“It says the same thing. Do you want me to try a third time?”

Sang-woo remains quiet and you're almost sure that behind his mask there is an expression of embarrassment.

You take half the bills out of your pocket, put them on the counter and say:

"No need to pass a third time, I'll pay for his things."

"Gi-hun you don't need to do this."

“Nah. It’s fine. I had a very good week at work, a lot of people needed my services as a driver.” You lie.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, and you can take the value from that money you lent me back in 2011. I haven't forgotten my debt to you."

"Okay."

The cashier gives you the change and Sang-woo takes the bag with his purchases and starts walking towards the supermarket exit, when you say: 

"Sang-woo wait a minute, I want to talk to you."

"Okay."

You see the full value of your purchases and feel so relieved when you see that what's left of your money is enough to pay for it all.

After paying, you say to the supermarket cashier:

"Do you have a piece of paper and a pen I can borrow?"

"Here."

"Thank you very much."

You write your cell phone number on the paper and return the pen to her.

You pick up the bag with your things and walk to Sang-woo.

"Thank you for waiting." You say.

"No problem. What do you want to talk about?"

"I want you to give this to your mother." You say showing him the piece of paper. “There's my number there, if she needs anything from the supermarket or from the pharmacy, she can call me and I'll get it for her. No charges. This way she doesn't have to go out and you don't have to come to the neighborhood just to buy laundry detergent for her.”

He looks at the piece of paper for a few seconds before picking it up and saying:

"Thank you, I'll give it to her. This is incredibly kind of you."

"You're welcome. You know I always liked your mother. And we are living in difficult times, we need to help each other.”

He looks at you in a way that makes you think if it weren't for the face masks and the damn pandemic he would kiss you right now. Though maybe that's just you projecting your own wishes on him.

Still it’s good to imagine.

"Bye then. See you around." You say.

"Bye."

You get in your car and start driving home, still thinking about the kiss he didn't give you and reminding yourself that if at any point he decides he wants to kiss you after all he knows where to find you.

Chapter Text

You didn't realize how hungry you were until the food was in your mouth.

Your hunger made sense, the last meal you ate was over 24 hours ago, just before the van showed up to pick you up in front of your building.

It also made sense that you hadn't noticed your hunger before. In life and death situations the adrenaline released in the brain makes things like hunger, fatigue or pain seem irrelevant. Staying alive becomes the brain's only priority.

You almost died today. One miscalculated move, one breath that made your body move too much and you would have been shot mercilessly. And who knows what they would have done to your body.

And yet you voted to stay in that place and keep playing.

The prize was just too much money. Enough money to fix all your mistakes. For the last few years you've kept trying to find a way to fix everything and in all that time the games were the only option that came up.

After you're done eating you go outside the convenience store to smoke while you wait for Player 199 to end his call on your cell phone.

You briefly considered asking his name when you guys were dropped off by the train tracks, but decided it was best not to exchange names, just keep thinking of him as Player 199.

Although you're pretty sure he knows yours due to the fact that Gi-hun kept repeating it while you guys waited for the game organizers to communicate after the first round.

Gi-hun. Why did it have to be him in there? Anyone from the neighborhood seeing you in that place would have been bad, it would have been humiliating. But being him specifically was so much worse.

You thought your lowest point had occurred about a week ago when you let that bizarrely attractive salesman slap you again and again just for the chance to win a bit of money. But it actually happened today when they showed the footage of you being slapped on the screen in front of everyone, in front of Gi-hun. You can't even imagine what he must have thought at that moment seeing you like that.

Player 199 leaves the convenience store and returns your cell phone, thanking you profusely. He turns to leave and you ask him how he's getting home. He says he is going to walk there. Walk to Ansan, so far away from where you two are. So you open your wallet and take a bill and keep it stretched out towards him until he accepts it.

The last two years have taught you how difficult it is not to have money to even take the bus home some days. And besides you owe him a lot.

If not for him, Gi-hun would have fallen during the first game, if not for him Gi-hun would have died before your eyes.

You can't imagine what it would be like to live in a world where he no longer breathes, a world where he would be permanently unreachable.

.

.

.

You arrive at your apartment just after midnight.

You lie on your bed feeling tired in ways that go far beyond the physical. You wonder if Player 199 has arrived in Ansan yet, and you wonder if Gi-hun has arrived in Ssangmundong.

In recent years you have kept two objects related to Gi-hun in your wallet. You get one of them now, the paper with his cell number on it. As he asked, you gave his number to your mother, and according to her Gi-hun had actually helped her a few times during the worst months of the pandemic. But the paper he had originally written the number you kept for yourself.

You never called him, but sometimes when you were bored you would take the paper and trace the numbers written there with your fingertips.

Now you type the numbers into your cell phone. It rings five times before he answers.

"Hello, who is it?" Gi-hun says, his voice full of suspicion.

"Sang-woo."

He breathes a sigh of relief.

"Hi. Why are you calling me?"

"I just wanted to know if you made it home okay."

"I did. I mean more or less, they threw me out of the van in my underwear and with my hands and legs tied up. They're still kind of sore."

"The same thing happened to me. The man who was left with me helped me to untie myself."

“The girl who was with me helped me too, sort of. She helped me get my hands free and then she kept laughing as I jumped around with my legs tied.”

“It does sound kind of funny.”

“Don’t be on her side!”

“I’m not, I just said it is a bit of a comical image. And anyway, at least you made it home okay.”

“Yes, I did. And you? Are you at your apartment already?”

"Yes. Try to rest now, it's been a pretty stressful day, you should sleep.”

"Actually I was already asleep before you called."

"I'm sorry to have woken you up."

"Don’t apologize. I’m glad you called. It’s nice to know you made it home okay too.”

"Okay. Bye then."

"No, wait. I want to ask you something before you hang up.”

"Alright. Ask."

"Why did you vote to stay?"

You really didn't want to answer that question, after a few seconds of silence he continues:

"I really don’t understand why did you do that, what they did to us in that place was so horrible."

"I had my reasons Gi-hun."

"And those reasons were?"

“Gi-hun I'm too tired to have this conversation. Let me hang up and go to sleep please.”

"Okay. Anyway, thanks for calling, it was good to hear your voice.”

It was good to hear his voice too.

"Good night Gi-hun."

"Good night."

You hang up and put the paper back in your wallet. And you take the second Gi-hun-related object that you keep in theret: his wedding band.

You found it in your bathroom sink the morning after your last night with him, and you put it in your wallet with the intention of returning it when you met him again. And yet when you met him you couldn't bring yourself to give it back to him.

Somehow since that day the ring had become a symbol of hope to you. When he got married you were sure it meant you would never again have any chance of being with him. The possibility that he could get divorced at some point in the future never occurred to you. 

You were so sure, and you were wrong.

Not everything bad lasts forever. Sometimes things work in your favor. Sometimes there is reason for hope even when you can't see it. That ring was proof of that for you.

You are not a naturally optimistic person, and the last few years have further exacerbated this aspect of your personality. Hope is a pretty rare resource these days to you, so you kept the ring and you don't regret doing it.

This night, as on a fair number of nights before, you fall asleep still holding the ring between your hands.

Chapter Text

They laughed at you at the police station when you went to report what happened to you yesterday. To you and to all the other 455 people who were in that place. You told them about the deaths and the things you saw and they laughed like you were a damn clown.

Worse than that actually, they laughed like you were a joke.

You come home cursing them all in your mind. These thoughts disappear when you realize the door is unlocked and your mother is not there. You go back to the street to see if she went out to buy something at one of the stalls nearby.

And then you see him. Two days in a row which is a rarity. Sang-woo appears to be hiding behind one of the stalls and looking at his mother further down the street.

He looks a little embarrassed when he sees you. Just as he was when you went to him just before the first round of games started. And he looks tired.

Although it's kind of hard to define why you have this impression. He has no dark circles under his eyes, he is well dressed and there is no sign of sweat on his skin. But still there is an air of exhaustion about him. Although you think that there is a possibility you might be projecting your current mood onto him, this week has left you so tired. Or maybe it was this whole year, or the last decade. It's hard to know for sure.

You offer to buy him a coffee from the machine on the street next to yours and to your surprise he accepts. When he's seated, coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other, you bring up the topic he refused to talk about the night before: why would he vote to stay in that place and keep playing when he knew the risks?

You try to remind him how smart and skillful he is, how he can always start over even if he is in debt. But your words don't have the effect you'd like, he actually looks even more defeated after hearing them.

He tells you how much he owes and your eyes widen. It's a lot. Much more than you and your debts are considerable. It's so weird to think of someone as smart as he is in a situation like this. But you suppose that even smart people sometimes make crappy decisions and everyone in this world sometimes is the victim of bad luck.

Your cell phone rings.

"What's happened?" Sang-woo asks after you hang up. 

"I gotta go. Apparently my mom is in the hospital.” You say.

"Do you want me to go with you?"

You hesitate for a second before saying:

"Yes I would like that."

.

.

.

A few minutes later the two of you are on the bus on the way to the hospital, you look through the bus window without paying much attention to what is on the outside, thinking of your mother feeling sick at home, and then being taken to the hospital all by herself. You wonder why she didn't call you when she started to feel sick, and the answer comes quickly to your mind. She didn't call you because she didn't trust you to be there for her when she needed it. Which hurt but wasn't an unfair assumption based on your past behavior.

"What happened to your car?" Sang-woo asks, pulling you out of your thoughts.

"I've been keeping it in the garage of a friend's house who lives closer to the city center. Fuel is so expensive lately that it's only worth driving when I'm working. I usually take the bus or subway to get there."

"Makes sense."

"What about you? What happened to your car?"

"I sold it last year."

"Things really are tough for you, huh?"

"Yes."

"Maybe you could try to save a bit more, that big apartment you live in must cost a fortune in rent every month."

"I haven't been living there since the beginning of the year before last."

"Really?"

"Yes, but it was a change I made too late. Trying to save money at this point is like putting a Band-Aid to cover a gunshot wound."

"Yeah, I guess it was a dumb advice."

“No, not dumb just too late to matter. That would have been a great advice ten years ago. Though I probably wouldn't have listened to you.”

Ten years, that means when he loaned you all that money in 2011 things already weren't going well. Just to confirm you ask:

"Were you already having money problems ten years ago?"

“Yes, but nothing compared to my current problems. Although at the time I thought being unemployed for three years was the end of the world.”

"Three years?"

"Yes. Why are you so surprised? I already told you that I was fired in 2008.”

"I know, but you didn't mention that you had been out of a job for years."

"Yes, I guess I didn't."

You notice he looks kind of uncomfortable, so you decide to keep quiet until you guys get to the hospital.

It doesn't take long for you to get there. At reception you get a password and wait for your number to be called. In the meantime you sit on the benches.

You and Sang-woo are not the only ones there, there is an elderly man, a mother with two small children and a couple in their twenties.

You look at the couple for a bit, paying attention to the way the girl leans her head against the guy's shoulder. She looks comfortable, even in that uncomfortable  environment. She looks like she feels loved.

Usually when you thought of the ways you would like to touch Sang-woo you thought about things like kissing, hugging and having sex. But now you wish you could just put your head on his shoulder and rest. Or have him rest his head on your shoulders. Being comforted by him or being able to comfort him, both seemed so nice.

Perhaps even more so the second, being the kind of person someone can lean on when the going gets tough, a friend that someone would feel comfortable talking about the details of being fired and how difficult things are financially. The kind of son who would be the first person a mother would call when she starts to feel sick. 

You're not that kind of person, you're usually the one who needs help rather than the one who helps, but you would like to be someone they could rely on.

They call your number and you and Sang-woo head to the reception desk. You give the receptionist your mother's name and identify yourself as her son, the receptionist gives you a visitor's badge to put on your clothes.

"Are you her son too?" The receptionist asks Sang-woo.

"No, but I would like to see her."

"I'm sorry, only family members are allowed to visit the patients."

Before Sang-woo has a chance to respond, you say:

“He is a member of the family. He is her son-in-law. Her favorite son-in-law. He graduated from Seoul University, there in our neighborhood everyone refers to him as  Ssangmundong's Pride. I'm sure seeing him will cheer her up a lot.”

The receptionist still looks a little suspicious, but she hands Sang-woo a visitor's badge.

Only then do you notice the slightly annoyed expression on his face. You ask how to get to the room where your mother is, and after receiving instructions, you follow the indicated path with him by your side.

When you're far enough away you say:

“I'm sorry for saying that you were my mother's son-in-law, I didn't mean to imply that we were together. I know we're not. It was just the first thing I thought. I probably should have said you were her nephew or something."

"It wasn't the son-in-law part that bothered me. It was you mentioning SNU to her and calling me Ssangmundong's pride."

"Why? Those things weren't even lies."

"In a way they were."

"Sang-woo are you telling me you didn't graduate college?"

Sang-woo looks at you like you are a complete idiot. And very slowly says:

"Of course I graduated college."

"So what about what I said was a lie?"

"I am the lie. The fact that I did these things and ended up this way only makes it worse. And I don't understand how you don't get that."

"I understand you feel bad about how your life is going, but that doesn't make the things you've accomplished in the past stop existing, they're not lies."

"Whatever."

You arrive in the room where your mother is. There is a nurse in the room and she says that the doctor will be coming to explain the situation soon. You think maybe it would be best to let her sleep, but before you know it Sang-woo approaches, touches her hand lightly and says:

"Hello Mrs. Seong."

She opens her eyes and looks at him. Then at you. And then back at him.

"Sang-woo you are here." Your mother says.

"And Gi-hun is here too. You know, your one and only child." You say.

"I can see that. But you I was expecting, him being here is a surprise."

"He was with me when I got the call from the hospital."

"Gi-hun you shouldn't have made your friend come here unnecessarily."

"Gi-hun didn't make me come with him, Mrs. Seong, I volunteered." Sang-woo says.

"You are a good boy." She says putting her hand over his.

"Mom, he's literally 45 years old, he hasn't been a boy for a long time." You say.

"To me you two will always be boys."

The doctor arrives and explains the situation to the three of you, he shows you the state of her leg and talks about diabetes and the possibility of amputation if things get worse. And after his explanation, your mother says:

“I don't want to stay in a hospital. I want to be released please.” she says to the doctor.

"Mom! You heard the doctor, you have to stay and receive treatment.”

“Gi-hun, something like that would cost too much money. We simply don't have the funds.”

"And the health insurance?"

"The one you canceled?"

“Just wait here a second. Sang-woo come with me please.” You say pulling him by the arm out of the room.

When you are far enough away you say:

"Tell her you'll pay."

"Gi-hun you know I don't have the money."

“Sang-woo I'm not asking you to pay, just for you to lie to her and say you will. I'll find a way to get the money myself. You heard the doctor, she could lose her legs. Come on, please."

He remains quiet for a few seconds and then says:

"Okay."

You two go back to the room and there you announce:

"Mom, I have very good news, you can stay in the hospital! Thank Sang-woo here."

"Gi-hun don't beg for your friend's money." she says.

“I didn't beg, I asked and he said yes. That's not begging. And besides, I would do the same thing for his mother if our situations were reversed.”

"Are you sure you can do this?" Your mom asks, looking at Sang-woo.

“Mother you're talking to Sang-woo, Ssangmundong's pride, he has a lot of money. And besides, he still owes me for all the times I took him to school back in the day.”

Your mother ignores you and says to him:

"Are you sure?"

“Yes, Mrs. Seong. I want to help."

"You really are a good boy."

He smiles at her, but when his eyes meet yours you see guilt in them.

.

.

.

You stay in the hospital a little longer, you and Sang-woo talk to the doctor for a while. You're grateful that he came, not only for the lie you made him tell, but also because he asks the doctor a lot of questions that you wouldn't think to ask about your mother's treatment. This feels like something a best friend would do, or a boyfriend.

When you go outside the hospital it's already dark.

"So are you going home now?" You ask.

"Yes and you?"

"Yep. Thanks for coming with me today. You really helped me and I think my mom was happy to see you. Seriously, sometimes I think she likes you more than she likes me."

"She only likes me because she doesn't really know me."

"That's not necessarily true. I know you and I like you."

"That's only because your standards are weird Gi-hun. And anyway I'm sure she won't like me anymore when she realizes I can't pay her hospital bills after I said I would."

“I'm sorry I made you lie to my mom, but I really didn't see any other way to make her stay. I wouldn't have asked that of you if it wasn't absolutely necessary.”

"I know. But Gi-hun how are you going to get the money?”

"I don't know yet. Just wait for another lucky day I guess."

Chapter Text

Your mom talks to you on her phone thinking you're in the United States.

You've used this lie a lot in the past few years, in the weeks when you couldn't stand the thought of spending a day with her pretending everything was okay, that your work was great, that you were eating well and sleeping peacefully, that your life wasn't crumbling around you.

And her voice always got excited when you told about these made up trips. You could imagine the pride in her eyes so clearly that it was almost like she was standing right in front of you. Neither she nor your father ever left the country. Neither did you, but she obviously doesn't know this. She is the closest person in your life and she knows next to nothing about you. None of the things that really matter anyway. A few times over the years this made you feel melancholic, but in general you thought it was worth it. That it was better to make her happy believing you were the man she thought you would be, than to let her down with the man you actually were.

But the thing is, she needs to know about the crimes now, because she accidentally got involved. About ten years ago she decided to put her house and store in your name, you are her only heir and considering her age she thought it would make things easier when she passed away, that you wouldn't have to deal with all the bureaucracy of passing her properties to your name. She wanted to do you a little favor, she never thought this decision would get her to spend her old age without a job and without a home.

So far the messages you've been getting from the police say they want you to show up at the station to answer some questions they have about some missing funds in your clients accounts, but it certainly won't be long before they show up with a warrant for your arrest and soon afterwards they will go after her.

During your life you were not a good friend. You were not a good boyfriend. You were not a good employee. You were not a good person. But you used to be a good son, you tried so hard to be all your life. And now even that was lost.

You end the call without telling her all the things she needed to know. Again.

You've spent the entire week trying and failing to muster the courage to admit your mistakes to her.

The closest you came was the day after the games, but then you ran into Gi-hun and he looked so worried and scared after getting the call from the hospital that you ended up offering to go there with him.

And you were a little worried too, at Mrs Seong’s age any health problems could be serious. You always liked Gi-hun's mother, and you thought she liked you too, although you thought Gi-hun hadn't been fair in saying that she liked you more than she liked him. Yes, sometimes she was hard on him but it never seemed to come from a place of cruelty, just because she wanted him to make better choices in his life. You never stopped to think about it when you were young, but you're sure now that it must have been pretty hard raising a son all by herself. And not just financially, even today there is so much stigma attached to single mothers, and in the 80s and 90s it certainly was much worse.

But if you were going to be honest going to the hospital that day gave you a good excuse to avoid what you imagined would be the worst conversation of your life. Today, however, you had no excuse not to tell her, and still the words wouldn't come out.

Soon your mom and everyone else in the neighborhood will know there's never been anything to be proud of when it comes to you. That you're just a huge failure,  that the success story they tell about you is nothing but a lie. You wonder if they're going to start calling you Ssangmundong’s Shame, and you think if they do it will be a way more appropriate epithet than Ssangmundong’s Pride ever was. 

You drink and you drink. You get into the bathtub still wearing your clothes and thinking how much easier it would be for everyone if you just died. But you soon realize that this would only be true for you. You really are as selfish as your ex accused you of being. Ha-joon really was so smart in breaking up with you, you'd break up with yourself too if you could.

You notice the ring on your hand. You don't remember exactly when you took it out of your wallet. Only that it was there now. If you killed yourself and they found your corpse wearing Gi-hun's wedding ring it would be so embarrassing. You look at the golden circle on your finger and think it was probably foolish to hope that something could get better. But still it is nice to have something of him with you, even though having a ring that used to be his doesn't even compare to having him by your side. You think about how the best parts of your life were the ones you spent with him. And that there weren’t that many, or at least much less than you could have had.

You decide to be selfish once more. You pick up your cell phone from the bathroom floor and you call him.

You don't need to go check the paper in your wallet. You realize that you already know the numbers written there by heart.

He answers on the second ring.

"Sang-woo?"

"Yes. How do you know?"

"I saved your number here after your last call."

“Oh. Okay. That makes sense."

"So why are you calling me at eleven at night?"

"Shit. Did I wake you up again?”

“No. I'm still driving around the city. Working a little late today. Trying to earn enough to cover my mother's hospital bills.”

"I imagine. I would help you with that if I could.”

“I know you would. And you? What are you doing?"

"I'm just sitting in my bathtub, drinking a little. More than a little, actually."

Gi-hun is silent for a few seconds, when he speaks again his voice sounds a bit weird.

"Well, you just gave me a very interesting mental image."

You suppose a man in a suit sitting in a bathtub is somewhat interesting. Pathetic, sad and ridiculous mostly, but kind of interesting too. Although you're pretty sure you didn't mention the suit. You get out of the bathtub and lie down on your bed.

"I left the bathtub now."

After a few more seconds of silence, Gi-hun says:

“So, do you want me to go there? I'm very VERY available if you do. Please don't call some other guy.”

"I wasn't planning on calling anyone but you."

"That's great. Give me your new address and I'll be there as soon as I can.”

"No, I didn't call you to ask you to come here."

“Oh. Okay." he says, sounding strangely disappointed.

“I'm sorry to call you for no reason. I'm not thinking clearly tonight.”

"Don’t apologize. You don't need a reason to call me. It made me very happy when you called me the other day. To be completely honest when I gave you my number I was hoping you would use it sometimes.”

"I thought I was supposed to give the number to my mom."

"Yes, that was the main reason. But I also wanted you to have my number in case you wanted to talk to me. Even if you don't have a reason. I like the idea of being the person you want to talk to when you're not thinking straight.”

"You are." 

The doorbell starts to ring, but you ignore it. There's only one person in the world you'd like to talk to and you're already talking to him. You ask Gi-hun about his day and he starts talking about the passengers who were in his car today and the things he saw around town. Eventually the doorbell stops ringing. You fall asleep listening to the sound of his voice.

.

.

.

You wake up hours later feeling cold, sleeping in wet clothes was really not a good idea. You get out of bed and from a distance you see that something was shoved under the door while you were sleeping.

You approach the door somehow already knowing what it is.

In your hands again there is a card with a number on one side and a square, a triangle and a circle on the other. They said there was going to be one more chance to play. You should be excited, it means there's still a chance to fix everything, but the feeling doesn't come because you think if they asked you to play again, they probably called everyone who played before. Even those who voted to stop the game.

You take off your wet clothes and put on dry ones. You put the ring back in your wallet. 

You put the card in your pocket. And you get out of your building with the intention of taking the subway towards Ssangmundong.

Chapter Text

You only come back to Ssangmundong in the morning.

Yesterday wasn’t a very good day, most of it was spent with you going to every person you could think of to ask for money to pay your mom's hospital bills. And that effort hadn't resulted in any loans, everyone seemed either as broke as you or unwilling to help. Also your meeting and conversation with Player 001 left you quite disturbed thinking of that old man returning to that place.

After saying goodbye to him you spent the entire night driving around the city, your effort generated you some money, but it was not even close to being enough. And it had been tiring, the only highlight of the night was when Sang-woo called you and briefly you thought that maybe he was going to ask you to go to his apartment to spend the night with him. You were still kind of disappointed that this wasn't the case, it wasn't a good week and having something good happen would make life a little easier to bear. And it had been quite a while since you had spent the night with someone else.

In fact, you hadn't had sex with anyone since that night with him. You had kissed a woman at a friend's birthday party in 2019 and a man at a gay bar far away from the neighborhood earlier in this year. And even though these were good kisses, you didn't feel like taking things further. Your heart knows what it wants and it’s not a one night stand with a stranger. 

But even though you are still pretty inexperienced with sex between men you are sure you could have made it good for Sang-woo too last night. You had even read a little more online about things you could do to please him in bed. Just as you bought some lube to keep in the drawer beside your bed just in case.

You're sure it would have been fun spending the night with him again. Even if in the end it didn't lead to anything else like the last two times.

But you take comfort in remembering that still it was sweet that he called you without a reason, just because in his inebriated state he wanted to talk to you. But you fear that maybe you had been a bit boring, after about fifteen minutes of conversation you noticed he was asleep on the other end of the line and you are pretty sure you must have spoken for at least a minute without him listening. You really hope that the reason he slept was the alcohol and not your boring conversation.

You arrive on your street and watch the people there starting to open their businesses, knowing that soon you will have to leave again. Your plan is to just sleep for three hours and then go to your ex's apartment. She's the only person who might help you who you hadn't asked yet, if the money was just for you she'd probably just tell you to go to hell, but considering it's for your mother maybe she would help, Eunji always got along well with her, and she knew how close Ga-yeong was to her grandmother.

You take the key to open the door to the house, and then there's a hand on your shoulder, and somehow even before you turn around you already know who it is. 

"Finally. Where have you been? I've been waiting here for over an hour." Sang-woo says, sounding kind of annoyed.

"Hey. I was working, I told you I was going to try to earn some money overnight. If you wanted to talk to me why didn't you call me? You have my number."

"I thought this would be a better conversation in person and when I got here my cell phone was dead."

"You should buy one of those portable chargers, they are very useful."

“I know they are, I have a couple…look it really doesn't matter. I need to talk to you inside, soon my mom is going to open the store and she can't see me right now.”

"Why not?"

“She thinks I'm out of the country.”

“Why?”

 “I’ll explain later. Now please let me in.”

"Okay," You say "So what do you want to talk to me about?" You open the door and after this movement you see a card that was stuck between the door and the wall falling to the floor.

You take the card and it's the same as the card you got before, one with a circle, square and triangle on the front, and a phone number on the back.

“That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I got one too. I came here to make sure you won't do anything stupid.” Sang-woo says. 

“I think I have to. I don't want to go back, but I don't know how I'm going to get the money to pay for the hospital. There at least I have a chance.”

“Gi-hun you will die if you go back. The chances of you surviving six rounds of games are so small. Please don't make me watch you die."

“You don't know that I’ll die for sure. Maybe I'll get lucky.”

“Gi-hun look at your life! If luck exists it's not something that's on your side. You can't help your mother if you're dead.”

"My mother isn't the only reason I need money. I owe these loan sharks money and they made me sign this paper that gives them legal rights over my body. They said they're going to pick me up in a month and make me donate my organs."

"Were you in the presence of a lawyer when you signed this paper?"

"I don't know, maybe one of them could be a lawyer."

"Were you threatened in any way before signing?"

"Yeah, they basically beat me up until I signed."

Sang-woo looks troubled to hear this. And you feel embarrassed, you don't want him to think of you as someone who often gets beaten up by random men because of money. Though this hasn't been all that far from reality lately, your face is still kind of sore from the bunch of slaps you got from the man who recruited you to the games. It was so strange to think that Sang-woo himself had gone through the same thing not too long ago, if you hadn't seen the video of him getting slapped yourself you wouldn't have believed it.

Sang-woo takes a deep breath and says:

"This means it's not legally binding, they can't force you to donate your organs. It's probably just a technique to try to pressure you to pay."

"Sang-woo you don't understand, if I had this money I could take care of my mother and my daughter, I could make up for all the mistakes I've made my whole life. When will I ever get another chance like this?"

"Gi-hun they will make you kill people there if you go back."

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do. The most logical way to ensure that the participants won’t report what happened after the games are over is to make them guilty too. And that if there are players in the plural at the end, the most logical thing would be to eliminate more and more people until there are only two people left in the last round. You're going to have to kill and you're going to have to kill a lot to get to the end.”

You let the words sink into the back of your mind. In your mind you see the faces of the people you met there, the girl who stole your wallet, the man who fought with her, the man who saved you, the old man with memory problems, the woman who said she had a baby at home that she hadn't given a name yet. And several other faces of people just like you, some who ended up with a bullet in the head, some who survived. Lives that can cease to exist because of your actions.

It wasn't worth it.

"Okay." You say.

"Okay what?"

“Okay I won't participate. I don't want to kill anyone. I'll find some other way to get the money.”

Sang-woo breathes a sigh of relief, his hands go to your shoulders and he says:

"Thank you. And Gi-hun I swear if I win I will help you with all your debts."

For a second you're sure you heard wrong. Because there was no way he could have said something so stupid like that.

"Can you repeat what you just said please?"

"If I win the game I will help you. I promise."

Okay. Apparently you heard it right the first time.

“Sang-woo are you telling me that you came here, made this huge speech about how if I accept to participate in the second round I'm probably going to die or I'm going to have to kill a bunch of people to win. And then when I say I won’t go, you say you intend to go despite all the things you said to me?"

"Gi-hun my situation is not the same as yours. My debts are much bigger. The police wants to question me. I will probably end up in jail!"

"Then go to jail! I know it's not good, but it's better than going to a place where you will probably die."

"I don't have much to live for anyway."

"How about your mom? I think she would probably be really sad if her only child disappeared out of nowhere."

"I'm doing this for her too, to stop her from suffering because of my mistakes. And by going there I at least have a chance of fixing everything, and I think I have a good chance of winning the whole thing. I'm strong and I'm smart."

"Of course Mr Seoul University, do you think a college education will make you better at children's games? And even if it does, are you willing to kill people just to try to fix your life?"

"I will do what I need to do. This conversation is over Gi-hun."

He says and leaves again. It occurs to you, not for the first time, that so much of your life has been spent watching him leave in so many different ways. And you just letting him go, because somewhere in your mind you always thought there was going to be a next time, another random encounter, one more chance to get it right. But now it really feels like it could be the last time, and that's bullshit.

You get out of your house and follow him to the main street.

"Sang-woo!"

He stops on the other side of the sidewalk and you walk towards him.

No bets, no games, some things are too important to put in the hands of the universe.

When you reach him you say:

"Kiss me."

He looks surprised by what you said. And hesitant, and you understand why, you know you two are in public and that because of this factor you're asking for something big from him.

But still you add:

"Please kiss me."

And after that he holds your face between his hands and gives you the kiss of your life in the middle of the street where you two grew up, in broad daylight.

Chapter Text

You kiss him and you know that by the time the day it's over there will be very few people in the neighborhood who won't know about it. That your mother will know.

And it's worth it.

You've never planned to do something like this, but you think the chances that you're going to die soon are far greater than the chances that you're going to survive all six rounds of games and you want one last kiss from him. And if Gi-hun is willing to deal with the consequences, so are you.

The kiss takes your breath away and then you feel his hand holding your arm pulling you back to his house, and you let him take you.

You expect he will continue kissing you once the two of you are inside his house. Maybe even that he will take you to his room, but instead when he closes the door he takes a step back and says:

“Our conversation is not over. I still have things to say.”

“Gi-hun, that’s why you kissed me? Just to bring me back here?” You say without being able to hide your irritation.

“I brought you here because I can't let you go away to die in that place. Or surviving but being turned into a person you're not, I understand you've done some illegal things related to money, but that doesn't even compare to taking someone's life…But I kissed you because I love you and because sometimes I'm almost sure you love me too. The day I got divorced I told you I wanted to be a person someone could love for their entire life and you said I was, you were talking about yourself that day, right?”

"Obviously yes." You say, still angry. 

“No, it wasn't obvious! You have a tendency to give me very mixed signals. And I don't understand why. If I am what you want, you can have me, you could have had me three years ago, ten years ago, twenty years ago, thirty even."

"It's not just my fault! Or did you forget you were married a good part of that time?"

"Fine I was married, but you could have ended my marriage so easily any time you wanted, I never would have been able to resist you. I still can't. And anyway I wasn't married three years ago and still you didn't want to be with me. And if you didn't love me that would make sense, but if you do, your behavior is just weird. I really don't understand why you keep making everything so much harder than it needs to be."

There are tears now in his eyes. And you feel awful, you never wanted to make him cry again because of you and you failed at that too. You also feel your anger go away. You touch his face.

“I'm sorry, I know I made a lot of mistakes and that I hurt you, and if I could go back in time I would do things differently. But I can’t."

“You can stop hurting me now. Sang-woo if you go back to that place you will destroy me. I won't be fine after this. I love you, my marriage couldn't make me get over you, neither every time you acted like an asshole, or all the years that passed. I love you too much to be able to stop, it's not just something I feel it's like a part of me now. And I can be okay if you decide you rather be with someone else or if you go to jail. But I won't be okay if you die, there's no chance of a happy life for me in a world where you no longer exist.”

You hug him without thinking. And he starts crying against your shoulder. He loves you. In the present. You finally let the words sink in, you considered this to be a possibility, but receiving confirmation is different. Your life has never been worse, but despite everything you feel happy right now. You kiss his forehead while your fingers stroke his hair.

"You love me too?" he asks.

"I wouldn't be here if I didn’t"

He lifts his head to look you in the eye.

"I want to hear you say the words."

"I love you. Of course I love you. It was never just you. I'm sorry I didn't make that clear sooner. Please just stop crying.”

"You will not leave me? You are not going back to that place?”

"If you want me to stay I will stay."

You only realize the words are true after they're out of your mouth.

It shouldn't weigh that much, not hurting him shouldn't matter more than the chance to earn all that money and fix your life. But it does and if he doesn't want you to go, you won't go.

"Promise?"

"Yes."

He is still crying but he also smiles now. And he holds your face and kisses you. And he keeps kissing you for a long time, when he finally pulls away to get some air, you say:

"I have to go now. I'll call you soon, okay?”

"No! You just said you would stay with me.”

“I said I won't participate in the games, and I won't. But I can't stay here, I told you the police is after me. They'll probably have a warrant for my arrest soon. If I stay here you might get in trouble for harboring a fugitive. You could end up in prison too.”

"Well, it wouldn't be so bad if I ended up in the same place as you."

“No Gi-hun, going to prison together would be bad. REALLY BAD. You are not thinking clearly. Who will take care of your mother if you're not here?”

He wipes the tears from his eyes. It looks like he's finally stopped crying.

“Okay, if the police comes looking for you here then I'll just say I didn't know they were looking for you. No one can prove that this is not the case. And anyway, it's very unlikely they'll come looking for you here than in your apartment.”

You lean your back against the wall and bring your hand to your forehead.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this."

"What?"

"You and me. I wanted to be perfect, I wanted to be able to give you something besides having to deal with all this shit."

He puts his hand to your face, stroking your cheek.

“Sang-woo things will never be perfect, there will always be some personal crisis to deal with, or a bad government, or a pandemic. Just stay with me now and for as long as you can. That's enough, that's a lot. Please, you've already made me wait too long.”

It's ridiculous how easily he can convince you to do the things he wants. Although in this case it's easier because it's also what you want. More time with him, more of his words, more of his smile, more of his skin against yours, more of his love. From him you always want more and more, and you will take whatever he is willing to give. And in return you're going to give him everything he wants from you.

He kisses you and starts unbuttoning your shirt slowly, as if there is no reason for hurry. And you let him do it. As if life isn’t going to take him away from you at any moment. As if finally there is enough time for the two of you. Despite everything, it actually feels like that could be the case.

Chapter Text

It's been quite a while since the last time you spent a whole day not trying to make money in some way, whether by working, going to the betting house or trying to find someone willing to lend you enough to get by for a few more days.

Usually on the other days you did that when night fell you felt a huge guilt, like the day had been wasted, like you were really as lazy and useless as your mom and ex sometimes accused you of being, and how you sometimes thought you were as long as you could remember.

You spent most of this day alternating between three main activities: napping, eating, and having sex. With one notorious exception for taking a shower around six-thirty in the afternoon because both you and Sang-woo were starting to smell bad at that point.

The usual guilt doesn't come today, even though you need money now more than ever. Because you needed this too, a good day to make life easier to bear. To get to the end of a day feeling happy, well rested and loved.

Now you're just lying with your head on his chest, enjoying having his skin against your cheek and the sound of his heartbeat as he continues to run his fingers gently through your hair.

"Can I ask you a question?" he says.

"Sure." You say turning your face to look at him directly.

"Were you serious when you said I could have ended your marriage any time I wanted?"

"Yes."

Sang-woo doesn't say anything, but he gives a very smug smile.

"You know it’s awful that the concept of you being a homewrecker brings you so much happiness."

"Really?"

"Yes." You say and kiss him.

After the kiss you say:

"I'm going to make us something for dinner, wait here."

In the kitchen you look at the available ingredients, there's not much but it's enough to make Pa Jun, as a child Sang-woo really liked this dish. You sort the ingredients and are about to start preparing when you hear a knock at the front door.

Instead of going to answer it, you go back to your room. You find Sang-woo already standing up getting dressed.

"There's someone knocking on the door."

"I know. I heard. If it's the police, tell them you'll only let them in if they have a warrant signed by a judge.”

"Okay. What if they have the warrant?”

“So let them in and I'll handle it. Do not interfere."

"Okay."

You leave him in the room and go to the front door. When you open the door you don't find the police waiting for you on the other side, but there is someone almost as scary to see at this particular moment: Sang-woo's mother.

You force yourself to smile.

“Hey Mrs. Cho, how are you? What are you doing here so late?”

"Is my son in there?" she says, very serious.

"Uh, can you wait here just a minute?" You say and close the door.

You go back to your room and say:

"It’s your mom. She wants to know if you're here.”

"Alright. This is better than the police.” he says, but he actually looks a lot more nervous now than he did before.

He takes a deep breath and says:

"You can tell her to come in, I'll talk to her."

"Okay."

"No, wait. Am I okay? Does it look like I just had sex?”

"Huh no. I don’t think so. Just do a few more buttons on your shirt, there's a hickey on your collarbone. Sorry about that."

"It’s fine." he says, doing the buttons.

You go back to the front door, open it and say:

"Hey, you can come in Mrs Cho."

She does what you say.

For a moment Sang-woo and his mother just stare at each other in silence.

"So I'm not in America." Sang-woo says.

"Yes, I can see that." she says.

"Well-"

“Sang-woo, some cops showed up at the store looking for you. They said they have a warrant for your arrest, that you falsified documents and stole money. They're wrong, you would never do something illegal, right?”

The expression on Sang-woo's face makes your heart ache.

"No. They are not wrong. I'm sorry you had to go through this.”

Sang-woo's mother is silent for a few seconds as if processing what she has heard. She looks at you.

"Gi-hun, is there a place where I can talk to my son in private?"

“My mom's bedroom would probably be a good place. She is still in the hospital.”

"Thank you." she says and heads towards the bedroom.

Sang-woo soon follows her and closes the door.

You go back to the front of the stove to continue preparing the food. And you stay there for a few minutes until curiosity gets the better of you, and you go to the bedroom door on your tiptoes and put your ear close to the wood to hear the conversation inside the room.

"...I think we have some options regarding the store and the house, they will probably only take legal action after the trial is over and I will postpone this as long as possible, and in the meantime we can try to pass the properties to your name again, it's going to be complicated but a good lawyer could argue that although the house and shop are in my name you are the owner for all practical purposes.” Sang-woo says.

"Wouldn't that cost a lot?"

"I think I know someone who would do it pro bono."

"A friend of yours?"

“Not exactly, but he was aware of some illegal things I did, and I could implicate him in a lot of it if I wanted. It would be much more worthwhile for him to help you than to be involved in all of this.”

"Are you going to blackmail this man?"

“Mom don't look at me like that, I don't want to do it but it's one of the few ways I see to try to improve our situation a little.”

"Alright, should call him or-"

"I'll do it. But I will need a little more time. Until then it's better if you don't come here, if there's anything you need to talk to me about, tell Gi-hun when you see him and he'll give me the message.”

“You intend to stay here. With Gi-hun.”

"Yes…is there anything else you would like to ask me?"

“I heard some rumors in the neighborhood today about you and Gi-hun. That's why I knew where to look for you.”

"That doesn't surprise me."

"And?"

“I'm not sure what people are saying, but it's probably true. I am with him. Romantically. I intend to keep on being with him.”

"Okay."

"So do you understand?"

"Yes. You are gay right?”

"Yes."

"Then I understand."

"I thought you would be more surprised."

“Well, it's not exactly surprising. I've sometimes considered that maybe that was why you never brought a girl home. And I was there with you during his wedding, I saw how you looked that day.”

"Okay, is there anything else you would like to ask me about this?"

“Well…I'm a little worried about your standards. I like Gi-hun, I really do, he's sweet and helpful. But he's also divorced, basically unemployed, he spends too much time at the betting house and he keeps borrowing money from people.”

"I know."

"Also he doesn't dress very well."

Sang-woo, the traitor, laughs.

"I know, I agree."

"You know Mrs Kim from the bakery has a gay nephew who is a doctor, I could ask her if he's single."

“Mom, I have no interest in having dates arranged for me. And most important: I don't want anyone but him. I know you probably won't like to hear this, but I've been involved with a fair number of men throughout my life, some you would probably consider better options than Gi-hun. But none of them made me feel a fraction of the things I feel just looking at him.”

She stays silent for a few seconds.

"I understand. Your father always said that you looked happier after spending time with Gi-hun. It's important to me that you're happy, even if it's not the way I imagined you when you were young.”

“Thank you…Do you think dad would be okay with this?

"The part about you committing crimes or the part about you being with Gi-hun?"

"The second one."

"I don’t know. Maybe not in the beginning, we grew up in a very different time. But I believe he would accept it eventually. He loved you a lot.”

"I loved him too."

"I know honey."

Sang-woo stays silent for a few seconds an the says: 

"Mom, I'm sorry for all the trouble I've brought you with the police. I don't know if I can fix everything, but I'll do everything I can, I promise."

And then you start to hear him crying and you want to go into the room and hug him, but you know this is a moment that belongs to them and not you. Also that maybe you've invaded their privacy too much, so you go back to cooking.

About fifteen minutes later they leave the room.

“Would you like to have dinner with us Mrs. Cho? It's Pa Jun." You say to Sang-woo's mother.

“No thank you, I already had dinner before I came here. But I'd like to talk to you about something before I leave.”

“Uh. Okay."

“Gi-hun, please don't ask my son to kiss you in the middle of the street again. Even if you were a woman such behaviour would be indecorous. Some things are better to do in the privacy of your own home, and I'm sure if your mother were here she would agree with me.”

You can feel your cheeks starting to burn.

“Yes, she would probably agree. Any chance you won't mention that to her when she gets back from the hospital?”

"Gi-hun, your mother has been a good friend of mine for many years, don't ask me to keep secrets from her."

"I'm sorry."

“And anyway, even if I don't say anything I'm sure a lot of people will tell her, like they told me. Good night Gi-hun.”

"Good night Mrs. Cho."

"And good night dear." she says and hugs Sang-woo.

"Good night Mom."

Mrs. Cho then left, leaving you and Sang-woo alone again.

"Well that was mortifying." You say.

"Actually it was a lot better than I thought it would be."

"Anyway, let's eat!" you say.

You two decide to eat in your bed, with your back against the wall and using pillows to support the plates.

Sang-woo eats a bit and then says:

"It’s very good."

"Well, cooking is the only thing I'm really good at."

"That’s not true."

“Come on, my food is good. You just said it is.”

"What I mean is there are other things you're good at besides cooking."

"Like what?"

“Well, I know you were never very good at school, but generally you're good at thinking fast and coming up with solutions when problems arise. Like the other day when the receptionist at the hospital said I couldn't come in, or when your mother said she wouldn’t stay at the hospital, you came up with a story right away without even stopping to think for a second and in both cases it worked. When we were kids I always wanted to be on the teams you were on when we were playing with the other kids,  of course part of that was because I already liked you back then, but the main reason was because you usually won and I hated losing.”

"Did you like me when we were kids?"

"Yes. Don't be weird about it.”

"I'm not being weird, I think it's cute."

“Anyway, you're also very good at dealing with people. There are a lot of people who are outgoing, but they're usually not quite the way you are. You can always find something to talk to people, even with those whom you theoretically have nothing in common with, and when you're in a new environment you make friends easy and you can usually keep those friendships, there's something about you that really draws people to you, and you make people feel good when they're with you. I always admired that about you, and envied it too. You probably would have done a lot better in the profession I chose than I did.”

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"You know, you could have said those nice things to your mom when she asked why you picked me instead of making weird comments about the way I dress."

Sang-woo laughs.

“That was a private conversation. And Gi-hun if you don't want people to judge the way you dress, you could try dressing a little better.”

“Sang-woo, that's horrible! You say all those nice things about me and then you go and say that?”

"In both cases I was just saying what I really think."

"If you say so. And don't let your mom introduce you to Mrs Kim's nephew, I've met him a few times, and he can dress nice and whatever, but he's really boring. You wouldn't like him."

"Are you jealous?"

"No." You lie.

"Really? Not even a little bit?"

"Maybe, but just a little bit."

"Good, I like that you are jealous."

When Sang-woo finishes eating he places the plate on the nightstand and then lays his head on your lap. And surprisingly fast he falls asleep there.

You're sure he had a good day too, and you're proud to know that a lot of it was because of you.

You would like every day to be like this. Until the day is over you allow yourself to pretend they are going to be.

Chapter Text

You spent the entire weekend waiting for Monday. That's because as punishment for your bad grade on the last math test your mom forbade you from going out to play with the other kids.

And apparently all your anticipation was for nothing, because the day started raining and if it continued like this you couldn't go to the playground after school was over, and you couldn't even ride your bike to school, what in general was your favorite part of the day. Which seemed pretty unfair since you'd spent the weekend getting punished yearning to be outside. Only for the outside to be cold and wet.

When it's time to leave your mother gives you the worst umbrella in the house.

"Mom! Let me take the big one, please?”

“No, it's new. And I don't want you to lose it like you lost the last two.”

"I'll take care of it, I promise."

"That's what you said about the last two umbrellas and then I never saw them again."

You're about to give up when you think of an argument that could perhaps convince her.

“Mom, I have to take Sang-woo with me to school, the one you gave me is too small for two people. I won't be able to protect both of us from the rain properly, and then raindrops will fall on his glasses. Do you want Sang-woo to walk to school half-blind?”

“You’re exaggerating."

“Please mom, please.”

Your mother rolls her eyes, but ends up saying:

"Fine. You won."

"Yeah!" You say and raise your hands in the air in victory.

She rolls her eyes again. And then she leans over to kiss your forehead.

“Have a good day at school. And behave yourself. Please behave.”

"I will!."

You go out into the street and knock on the door of Sang-woo's house. Who answers is his father.

"Good morning Gi-hun."

“Good morning Mr.Cho, is Sang-woo ready?”

“Let me see…SANG-WOO ARE YOU READY?! GI-HUN IS HERE.” he says yelling towards Sang-woo's room.

"Almost! Tell him I'm on my way".” Sang-woo yells back. 

"He is coming." Mr. Cho says.

"Yes I heard."

“So no bike today?”

“My mom said it's dangerous to ride a bike when it's raining. She thinks I'm going to slip somewhere and hit my head.”

"It makes sense. Are you sure you don't prefer to take a bus?”

“I don't think it's necessary, it's not that far away and it's not raining that much. Maybe by the time we get there, there will already be a sun shining in the sky.”

At this point Sang-woo enters the room wearing a yellow raincoat that goes almost to his feet. He looks really cute in it, but you know you shouldn't say that. For the past two years every time Sang-woo does or says something cute and you point out how cute it is, he gets mad at you, especially when you do it in front of other people.

He says goodbye to his parents and the two of you start walking down the street on your way to school.

On the first street you're going to cross you hold his hand, like you've done every time before. But this time after you've held it for a second Sang-woo lets go of your hand and starts walking alone.

He stops in the middle of the street and looks at you still on the sidewalk.

"Come on, the light will change soon."

“I know, but-” You say and show him your empty hand.

Sang-woo walks towards you.

“Hyung I'm not six anymore, you don't need to hold my hand every time. It's not like I'm going to run into the middle of the street out of nowhere.” he says annoyed.

"I promised your mom I would."

"What she doesn't know won't hurt her."

"But-"

"Gi-hun Hyung, people were laughing at us."

"What?"

"The last time we walked to school, you held my hand when we walked across the street and people looked at us and they laughed."

"I didn't see anyone laughing."

“That's because you never pay attention to anything. But I saw and it was horrible. You're older than me, you should know that some things aren't right to do when you reach a certain age.”

"Fine. But stay close to me, I promised your mom I wouldn't let anything bad happen to you on the way to school. I can't guarantee that if you’re not near.”

"Okay."

You cross the street without holding hands, and walk in silence for a couple of blocks until Sang-woo says:

"Are you mad at me about the hand thing?"

"No."

And that's true, anger doesn't quite define what you're feeling. It's just that you really enjoyed holding his hand and you only just noticed now that you couldn't do it anymore, which seemed very unfair.

“Then stop making that face. Hyung I'm doing this for you too, you don't want the other kids making fun of you.”

He is right, you don’t want that. 

“So how was your weekend?” you ask.

"Nice. And yours?"

"Terrible! I was stuck at home the entire time.”

"I didn’t leave my house this weekend either."

“I thought you were going to go out and play."

"I didn't feel like it."

"Because I wasn't there to play with you so it wasn’t fun anymore for you?"

"That wasn't it!" Sang-woo says, but by the redness of his cheeks you can see you've hit the bull's-eye.

In order not to embarrass him more, you ignore it and ask:

"So what did you do this weekend?"

"I read a book my parents bought me."

That made sense, Sang-woo was always reading books. It's not that you didn't like to read, it's just that generally you only really liked to read comic books and people kept telling you that this didn't count as real reading.

"What was the book about?"

“It's about this archer from England who steals from the rich to give to the poor. I think you would like it.”

“Yeah, sounds kind of cool. Tell me what you remember about the story.”

And he does. And Sang-woo was right, you like the story. Or at least you like the way he tells it to you. And you get so distracted thinking about the characters he describes and their adventures that the next time you walk across the street, you automatically hold his hand. And then you remember, and let go.

"Sorry." You say.

"No problem." Sang-woo says, this time not looking annoyed.

And then he's back to telling you the story of the book. And it's a good way to start your day. Even if it's still raining, and even if you can't hold his hand anymore.

Chapter Text

It was Saturday, the best day of the week in your opinion. That's because Saturdays were the days when your parents let you invite Gi-hun to sleep at your house.

Theoretically in most of these nights you should help him study, but that only happens sometimes, with most of those nights being spent playing nintendo, watching movies or just talking about random stuff.

But tonight you're really going to have to make him study a little, his mother told you a few days ago that she was worried that Gi-hun's grades in geography and math were too low and depending on the results of his next exams he was at risk of getting held back a year. So a few hours before he arrived you took the advanced grade books you had on your shelf and reviewed the subjects that Gi-hun was probably studying in his classes currently.

Sometimes you think that part of your academic success could perhaps be attributed to your friendship with Gi-hun, because to help him with the subjects he had difficulty with you had to read and understand all these advanced subjects that the people on his grade were studying. And when you were eventually taught such subjects in your classes you were already quite familiar with them.

Gi-hun arrived at your house shortly after seven. You had dinner and then watched a movie in the living room with your parents. 

After the movie ends you and Gi-hun go to your room, and he already goes towards Nintendo as soon as you close the door.

“I think it's better for us to study first. Your mom told me you have some important exams coming up.” You say. 

"Don’t worry about it. Min-jun has given me some private lessons in these subjects. I actually met her earlier, so you see I've already studied way too much today.” Gi-hun said, referring to one of the girls who studied in the same class as him.

"Why did you ask her to help you instead of me?"

"I didn't ask. She offered to tutor me."

"Why would she do that?"

Gi-hun gives a shy smile and says:

"Because she's my girlfriend now."

You always knew you'd hate any girl who dated Gi-hun, but the thing is, you've hated Min-jun before, because since she had started going to the same school as you guys a couple of years ago at every science fair she got the gold medal and you got only the silver. At the last science fair when your parents saw how upset you were about getting second place they told you that you shouldn't compare yourself to Min-jun because she was two years older and the best student in her class, and that second place was very good considering that projects from students of all grades were evaluated. This didn't comfort you much, you didn't just want to be good, you wanted to be the best. But you weren't lately, because she was.

She won all those gold medals you thought would be yours, and now apparently she had won him too.

"Since when?" You ask.

"Six hours ago."

"Why? Are you trying to get her to give you answers during exams?”

"No. Of course not."

"Is it like a bet?"

"No. I just like her.”

"Really? Her?"

"Yes, why?"

"I just thought when you dated a girl, you would pick one who was more like you."

The expression on Gi-hun's face before one of confusion is now replaced by one of irritation.

"You mean dumb."

"No, that's not what I meant."

"So what did you mean?"

"You know, someone fun and light. She looks so boring."

"She is not! I've been talking to her a lot since the last group assignment we were put together and she's so nice, so smart, and she has such a beautiful laugh.”

You stay silent for a few seconds processing what you just heard. Your sadness and your anger battling inside you to see which one will come out stronger.

"Sang-woo?"

"Alright then let's play since you don't need my help anymore." You say taking the Street Fighter cartridge and putting it on the console.

"I thought we were going to play Mario."

“I feel more like playing Street Fighter today.” You say and it's true, you're in the mood to punch something, even if it's just in a video game.

"Fine by me."

.

.

.

You and Gi-hun played for a few hours, and now your fingers are sore from pressing the controller buttons too hard while you were playing.

You two lie side by side on your bed, you're pretty sure that's not the way most boys sleep together when they have sleepovers. But Gi-hun never said it was weird, and you won't be the one to point that fact out to him.

You're about to fall asleep when he says:

"You'll probably have to keep helping me with school stuff."

"I thought Min-jun would do that from now on."

"She said she would, but she will probably wake up in the morning and realize she's made a mistake. I was almost sure she was going to say no when I asked her if she would like to be my girlfriend.”

"Then why did you ask?"

"I think because of the 'almost', there was a chance, you know?"

"Anyway, I doubt she'll break up with you that quickly, Min-jun doesn't seem like the type to say yes if she hadn't spent a lot of time thinking about what it would be like to date you before you asked her."

"Still, I really don't know what she saw in me."

"She probably finds you physically attractive."

"Of course because that's all I have to offer anyone, right?"

"That was not what I meant."

"Of course not." he says, his voice bitter.

You hate to hear that tone of voice and to see that look on his face, but that hate is directed at you and not at him. Sometimes your romantic feelings for him feel so overwhelming that you end up forgetting he is your friend.

Your best friend, maybe even your only real friend.

"You say she has a beautiful laugh right?"

"Yes, so what?"

“So what that I don't usually see her laughing that much at school. But with you she does. Maybe she wants someone who can make her laugh and forget about her responsibilities. Study is important, but it's not all that matters in life. You probably bring joy to her life and that's why she said yes."

Gi-hun smiles.

"I never thought I'd hear you say that studying isn't all that matters in life."

"Cool, it's not nice to be too predictable."

"Good night Sang-woo."

"Good night Gi-hun."

Chapter Text

It's past six in the afternoon when you knock on Sang-woo's door. You know he's alone at home because on the way you passed by his parents' store and they were both still there.

Sang-woo opens the door, looks at you for three seconds and then closes the door in your face.

"Sang-woo open the door please, I can explain."

Sang-woo opens the door again, his face filled with anger and his fists clenched. And before you can say anything he says:

"If you couldn't pick me up after school you should have told me, I was waiting there like an idiot for over an hour before I realized you weren't going to show up."

"I'm sorry it wasn't planned."

"So what were you doing? Were you with your new friends?"

"I was with Min-jun. And-"

"Of course, I should have known. You know, maybe you should stop taking me and picking me up from school, it made sense when we used to go to the same place, but now it's just too inconvenient."

"It's not inconvenient, it's right on the way to my school."

"Yeah, but you might want to do other things like tod-"

"She dumped me! That's why I didn't go today, not because it's inconvenient!"

Sang-woo is silent for a few seconds then says:

"You should have started the conversation with that."

"I tried but you kept interrupting me."

His anger seems to disappear. 

"Do you want to come in?"

"Yes."

You leave your shoes at the entrance and then throw yourself onto the couch.

“Do you want some orange juice? My mother left a jar ready before she went to work.”

"Yes."

Sang-woo goes into the kitchen and brings you a glass of juice, also a little plate of those cheese biscuits you love.

"Thanks."

"No problem. So what happened with your girlfriend?” he says sitting on the other side of the couch.

"Ex girlfriend."

"Okay, what happened with your ex girlfriend?"

“She was waiting for me when I left school. And she told me that her father was offered a job in Taiwan and that they are moving in next month, and that we should break up.”

“So it's not really your fault. Ending in these circumstances is the only logical thing to do.”

"It is not! We could try long-distance dating, or at least have this last month together, but she already decided to break up. And besides for a while now I could feel she was getting tired of me, I bet she was so happy when her dad told her about the move, it gave her the perfect excuse to end things.”

"I'm sorry."

For a moment it looks like he's going to say something else, but he stays silent and takes the remote to turn on the tv.

You two watch an anime you really like, but you can't pay attention to the episode plot, thinking about the girl who broke up with you and the boy who was there with you now. You still like Min-jun, maybe not as much as you did in the first few months of dating, but you still like her a lot. But the same wasn't true for her, and from the beginning you were sure it was going to be like that, it seemed inevitable that someone as smart as her eventually was going to get bored with you.

You stop looking at the television and just watch Sang-woo for a while, his profile illuminated by the television light.

In movies nerds like him always seemed to be a little ugly, but he was never ugly at all. When you were a kid you used to think that there was no boy or girl in the neighborhood that was cuter than he was. But this past year he wasn't just cute, he was getting really handsome, to the point where sometimes your heart starts to ache just looking at him, and yet everytime you still want to keep looking at him. And you know why.

.

.

.

After his parents arrive Sang-woo asks them if you can sleep over at his house, when they point out that it's not Saturday and that he has class next morning he promises he won't stay up too late and they agree if yours mother agrees too. You call her at home and she says yes. 

You think the main reason the three of them agreed even though you two have school the next day is because it's been almost a year since Sang-woo last asked you to sleep over at his house. Since you started dating.

Sometimes you thought this was his way of punishing you for dating someone he didn't like. All because your ex was clever like him. It would be logical that someone as smart as he would like to have a bunch of friends who were also smart, but Sang-woo had an odd tendency to get insecure and petty when someone showed they were smarter than he was at something. Sometimes you feared that this was why he was friends with you, because there was no risk of you being more intelligent than him at stuff.

You two have dinner and go to bed, and as promised you don't play video games tonight. Sang-woo falls asleep before you and you watch him sleep. And you think about bringing your lips to his.

It's not the first time you've thought about it, and it probably won't be the last. But you know you won't do it, if he woke up in the middle he would probably hate you and with good reason, the first kiss is an important rite of passage and his should be with someone he chooses. Your first kiss happened when you were thirteen during a classmate's party on a dare with a girl you never saw again and whose face you probably wouldn't even recognize if she passed by you on the street today. Sang-woo deserved better than that.

He opens his eyes out of nowhere and you feel your cheeks starting to burn from being caught staring at him while he was sleeping, also from the things you were thinking while you were doing this.

"I've been thinking." Sang-woo says.

"Yes?"

“I think you should focus on your studies now rather than trying to find another girlfriend. Maybe your breakup is a blessing in disguise, if you use up all the time you would spend with her studying there's still time for you to get a decent grade on your CSAT test and get into a decent college.”

"Sang-woo I'm not going to college."

He looks surprised.

"You want to stop studying?"

“It's not a matter of wanting or not, extra study would be wasted on me. And besides these things are so expensive, my mom barely earns enough to support both of us, and you know I can't count on my dad for anything. Going to university, and having a great career and everything else will be your life, not mine.”

Sang-woo doesn't seem to know what to say, so you continue:

"Anyway, thanks for asking me to sleep here. I really missed this." You say.

I missed you , You think.

And it's true. From the outside it looked like nothing had changed. You still showed up in front of his house every morning to take him to school, and a few hours later to take him back home, even after you started studying at a different school. You two still talked and joked around. But things were different now, it was like there was a distance now and you didn't know how to make things go back to the way they were before. And you think that, most likely, the distance will only continue to grow.

Right now he looks at you like he misses having you there too, but it's so easy to see the things you want to see in people's eyes, and so hard to know if it’s true. And when he speaks again, he just says:

"You're welcome."

And then he turns around to sleep, leaving you staring at the back of his head. You close your eyes hoping sleep will come easy.

Chapter Text

You let the phone in the living room ring for a minute before getting up to answer it.

Your logic is that anyone who was calling for some stupid reason would give up in that time. But as the phone continues to ring, you get up and go into the living room to answer it.

"Hello."

"Hi. Are you busy now?" Gi-hun says on the other end of the line.

"Yes. I'm studying."

“Uh. Could you come here to my house?”

“Gi-hun I can't hang out with you today, my CSAT test is almost here. I have to focus on my studies.”

“I know that, I wouldn't ask you if it wasn't important. Please."

"What is it?"

“Come here and I'll show you. You can bring your books if you want.”

You take a deep breath and say:

"Okay. See you soon.” 

You separate a couple of books from your desk and walk to his house down the street.

You knock on the door and hear the sounds of footsteps approaching. 

But Gi-hun doesn't open the door.

"Hyung?"

"Yes?"

"You interrupted my studies and then you won't let me in?"

"I will, just promise you won't laugh."

"Okay, I promise. Now open the door."

Gi-hun opens the door.

And his hair is red. Really red. Bright red. The kind of red that makes you think of clown noses and those double-decker buses they use in England. From your lips only one word comes out:

"Why?"

"I thought it would look cool."

"It does not."

“I already know that, you don't have to be mean! Just come in and help me fix it please. I bought black hair dye at the pharmacy, but I need someone to help me paint on the back.”

You enter and close the door behind you.

"But why do you need my help, didn't you dye it red yourself?"

"No, it was in a hair salon."

"So why didn't you ask to get it fixed right there?"

“Just, you know, the hairdresser looked so proud of how my hair looked, I didn't want to hurt her feelings. And besides, it's not her fault that I didn't explain properly what I wanted.”

You shake your head in disapproval. 

"That soft heart of yours keeps fucking things up for you."

"I know, but it's better than spending your life carrying a heart of stone." 

You weren't sure about that, life would be so much easier if you didn't feel anything.

"Whatever. Hand me the box so I can read the instructions."

You read the instructions and say:

"It says here that you should do a skin test first to make sure you're not allergic to this type of dye."

"Alright, let's do it."

"And then wait 48 hours to see if you have a bad reaction."

"Then no. Let's risk it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"Fine. But if you end up bald, don't come crying to me."

"I will not."

"Alright, I'm going to need a little bowl to mix the stuff."

"Okay." Gi-hun.

"I'm also going to need a comb and hair ties, the instructions say I should separate your hair to paint it properly."

"I think my mom has some in her room."

Soon he comes back with the items you asked for.

He sits in one of the kitchen chairs, and you comb and part his hair, your fingers running through the red locks. You feared that maybe the hair dye had damaged the texture, but luckily his hair still feels very soft.

You notice that the hairs on the back of his neck are standing up, as are the hairs on his arms.

"Are you cold?"

"Uh. No?"

You decide to ignore this weird reaction, maybe Gi-hun is the type to get goosebumps when anyone touches his head.

You separate his hair in four pieces, and then you go to the front to see the result.

"I look ridiculous, right?" He asks.

You snicker and say:

"Yes."

"You're so mean!"

"You're the one who asked…Are you sure you want to go back to your natural color? If you put on some white makeup and a red nose and you can get a job at a circus."

"Stop acting like an asshole and just dye my hair please."

"I'm not acting like an asshole, I literally stopped studying to come here to help you."

Gi-hun is silent for a few seconds and then says:

"I know. I really appreciate this. Thank you for coming. Really."

You paint his hair with the brush that came in the box until there's no longer any streaks of red visible. After you open your math textbook with the intention of studying until it's time to wash off the hair dye. You expect Gi-hun to keep interrupting you wanting to talk, but to your surprise he stays very quiet allowing you to study in peace.

.

.

.

When it's time to wash his hair, you take the chair to the bathroom to do it in the sink. You put on rubber gloves and start washing his hair.

"So explain to me what was the thought process that led you to dye your hair red?"

Gi-hun looks hesitant.

"Hyung?"

"Well, do you know Yoon-gyeol who works with me?"

You never met the guy, but Gi-hun had mentioned him a few times since he had started his new job at the supermarket a month ago.

"Yes, what about him?"

“Well he really likes this idol who has red hair, he's always talking about how cool he is. So I thought it might look good on me too."

"Why do you care what some random guy at your job thinks?"

"Just you know, he's interesting, and he knows a lot about movies and music, and computers too. He says he wants to get an internship at Samsung."

The way Gi-hun is talking about Yoon-gyeol is weird because it reminds you so much of the way he talks about the girls he has crushes on from time to time.

You shake your head and decide you're imagining things.

The universe wouldn't be that cruel to you. The only thing worse than having Gi-hun liking a girl would be him liking a guy that wasn’t you. 

Gi-hun is straight and he probably just admires the guy platonically.

Gi-hun is looking at you like he expects you to say something, but you keep silent and focus on washing his hair.

A little later looking in the mirror, his still kind of wet hair back to its natural color, Gi-hun says:

"It’s perfect. You did a really good job."

"Cool. Maybe I can pursue a career as a barber if I don't get accepted to Seoul University."

He stops looking in the mirror to look directly at you.

“Of course you will be accepted. You are amazing."

"There are a lot of people who apply, even if I get a good grade on the CSAT there's a chance I won't be one of them."

“Maybe there are, but you are special. I've never met someone as smart as you, I have no doubt you'll get in.”

"I wish I had your optimism...so I think I'll go back home now, I study better there."

"Okay, thanks for coming to help me." He says and to your surprise he hugs you for a moment.

You feel his wet hair against your cheek.

When he pulls away he notices that your cheek got wet from the hug and he wipes the water away with his hand, his fingers lingering for a moment caressing your cheek.

"Goodbye." You say already heading towards the door, feeling your face flushing.

"See you tomorrow!" You hear him say before closing the door.

Chapter Text

You wake up in Ssangmundong, you wake up in Gi-hun's bed, and you don't feel any surprise or disorientation. It's kind of weird how easily people get used to things. This is your third day in a romantic relationship with him, also your third day hiding from the police, which isn't ideal to say the least.

Gi-hun is not with you this morning, after two days without working he said he would spend the night trying to earn money as a driver, apparently the night drives yielded much more than the daytime ones. And then when morning came he would go to the hospital to visit his mother.

You understand that these things are necessary, that his life didn't stop just because you decided to be a part of it now, but still you wished he was there when you woke up.

When he was beside you, when you could feel his skin against yours or merely hear his voice, you had no doubt you made the right choice in staying. You know a little bit of the science of why this is happening, that your brain is probably releasing massive doses of oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin every time you are with him. Enough to make your life feel amazing even though it's still as bad as it was a week ago, except for the romantic and sexual aspect.

When he's away it gets harder, so much so that one of the first things you did after he left was to burn the two cards you two got from the people responsible for the game, to take away the option of going back, both for him and for you. Burn that bridge to keep yourself from crossing it again.

And you were slow to sleep after he left. During the night you even considered going out and taking a walk around the neighborhood. You kept thing that there was hardly anyone on the street at that hour and if you wore one of Gi-hun's hoodies it was very unlikely that you would be recognized. And it would be so nice to stretch your legs a little, you had read an article a few years before that said one of the best things for anxiety was to walk for a few minutes, something to do with the primitive brain and the fight-or-flight response, that it's possible to trick your brain into thinking that by walking or running you are escaping what is causing the anxiety successfully.

And it was unlikely that the police were patrolling the streets looking for you, your crimes although extensive in monetary damage were not violent so it is very unlikely to be a priority for them. 

But you still decided better not to go, at least not last night.

.

.

.

Gi-hun arrives shortly after two in the afternoon, carrying some plastic bags.

"Hey. Did you sleep well?" he asks.

"Sort of. What is all this?”

"Your mom sent us some groceries, she said she's worried about you not eating properly." Gi-hun says.

"Thank her for me."

"I will."

You examine the contents of the bags, inside there is rice, cheese, some vegetables, crackers, eggs, some tuna cans, jello boxes to make, some oranges and lemons, and a box of strawberries. The latter is a particularly irresponsible purchase given how expensive strawberries are these days, and yet she bought them because she knows they're your favorite fruit.

This is also something that has also changed since last week, your mother knows about sexuality and your crimes. She is aware of your lies and omissions. And still she worries about you eating well and in buying things you find particularly tasty. Your mother sees you for who you really are and she still loves you.

"Sang-woo I know you like strawberries, but you're looking at them like you're more in love with them than with me." Gi-hun says, pulling you from your thoughts.

"I am not." You say and pull him in for a kiss.

Your hands slide down his back, you grip his hips to bring him closer to you.

“Uh, is it okay if I eat first? I haven't eaten anything since seven in the morning, and I won't be able to concentrate on an empty stomach.”

You laugh. He is so cute, and he is yours.

“Sure,” You say letting go of his hips, “I made some noodles for lunch, there's enough left for you to eat too.”

He sets up his plate and starts eating on the couch, and you make juice out of the lemons your mother bought, pouring you and him two glasses.

Gi-hun must have really been hungry because by the time you bring him the juice he's already eaten most of the food on his plate.

"Thanks." he says when you hand him the glass.

"You're welcome. So how was the hospital? How is your mother?"

"Okay-ish. My mom doesn't like to stay all day in bed and she thinks they're giving her too many pills, but her foot is still pretty bad. The doctor said that it will only get better with the surgery. I then I went to discuss with a few people who work in hospital administration, they said I can pay the surgery in installments, but because of my financial history they are refusing to schedule the surgery until I can prove I can afford it at least the first installment. Isn't that illegal? Like, isn't it against that oath doctors have to take when they graduate?”

“Hippocratic Oath. And no, it's not illegal. Just immoral…anything else happened today?”

"Kind of. But you don't have to worry about that, you already have a lot on your mind.”

"Maybe so, but I want to hear it if you want to talk."

"Well, I went up to my ex this morning and I asked if she would lend me the money for my mom's surgery."

"And she said no."

"Yeah, but I was already expecting that. But the thing is that when I left her apartment, her stupid husband came after me with an envelope full of money and offered to pay for the surgery."

"Isn’t that good?"

“On the condition that I stopped showing up there to see my daughter, apparently my presence disturbs his family too much. And then I punched him, and just then I saw that Ga-yeong had come down to hand me my umbrella that I had forgotten. And she seemed so disappointed in me.”

"I understand. Do you think there is any chance he would still be willing to give you the money after that?”

Gi-hun looks offended by your suggestion. 

"I won't take his money."

"Gi-hun a few days ago you were willing to go to a place where you might die just to get the money for the surgery. But now this guy offers to give it to you and you say no?"

"Didn't you hear the part where he said that one of the conditions for me to get the money is that I stop showing up to see my daughter?"

"I know but-"

“She is my daughter, not his! I am willing to give up my pride, but not my daughter. I know I wasn't always the best dad, but she's the only good thing I've done in my life. He's already taking her to another country. Now he wants to take what little time I have left to see her in person?"

"Are they going to move to another country?"

"Yeah, to America. I don't know when exactly but probably soon, and then she'll be so far away, maybe I'll never see her in person again, and then she'll forget how to speak Korean and I won't even be able to talk to her properly on the phone. ” he says and now there are tears in his eyes.

You wipe his tears with your thumb.

"This won’t happen. We live in a time where it's very easy to talk to people who are on the other side of the world, if you want you can talk to her every day, you just need to make a schedule that works for both of you considering the different time zones, if I'm still here I'm going to help you to organize everything. And I doubt you won't see her in person again, her mom and stepfather's family still live here, and if your ex's husband really has money they're likely to come here regularly on vacation.”

"That makes sense, but I'm still going to miss her."

"I know you will."

You take the empty plate off his lap and the glasses and put them in the sink. 

You go back to him on the couch, hug him and start giving him light kisses on his mouth and on his neck.

And that's something you haven't gotten used to yet, being able to touch him whenever you want. Logic says that it will probably only be like this at the beginning of a relationship, but it's very difficult for you to envision a future where this will stop feeling like a kind of luxury.

You take off his shirt and zip his jeans down.

“Is that what turns you on? Me being pathetic?” he asks. 

"You always turn me on, pathetic or not."

He laughs.

You suck him off on the couch, enjoying the feeling of having him in your mouth, his fingers in your hair and the sound of soft moans escaping his lips.

When it's your turn, you tell Gi-hun that it's okay if he just jerks you off, but he insists on blowing you too. He still seems kind of unsure of himself while he does this, and he ends up choking a little. But even with his amateur technique you come relatively quickly due to already being so turned on just by blowing him before.

When it's over Gi-hun lays his head in your lap and says:

"I hate how much better than me you are at this."

"You should love, considering you are the one who benefits from it."

"Yes, but you're only good because you learned with all these other men and not with me."

"So what? It's not like you saved yourself for me either. By the time I had my first kiss, you were already having sex."

"I know…when we were young and I used to tell you about my dates and the people I liked, did it ever make you sad to hear about these things?"

Memories of your adolescence pass through your head, bringing with them the joy and melancholy of that time.

"Yes. Every time actually. I kept hoping it would get easier with time, but it didn't.”

"Is that why you pushed me away after you went to university?"

“Well, there were a lot of reasons, most of them having to do with my ego and other things that don't matter anymore. But yeah, it had something to do with this too, that was a painful part of my teenage years and it wasn't something I wanted to bring into my adult life.”

"I'm sorry. I wouldn't have made you hear about these things if I'd known you liked me.”

"I know. Don't worry about it, it's all over now.”

"Actually, I probably wouldn't even have dated anyone if I knew I had a chance with you."

That makes you smile, and you bring your lips to his, and kiss him softly.

"You should sleep now, you must be tired of staying up all night."

“I know, and soon I might have to get back to work. There's still so much to go before I can pay the first installment of the surgery.”

An idea occurs to you. You get off the couch and go to his dresser where you left your wallet.

"I think I have something that might help." You say, taking the ring from your wallet.

That object still was quite important to you, but helping him meant more.

"What?"

"This." You say and put the ring in front of him.

Gi-hun doesn't take the ring. He keeps looking at the ring and then at you, with an expression of surprise. You understand what's going on.

“Gi-hun, I'm not asking you to marry me. This is literally your ring that you left in my old apartment three years ago.”

“Oh. Yeah. I thought it looked kind of familiar.” Gi-hun says taking the ring.

"It's made of gold right?"

"Yeah."

"So I thought you could sell it to help pay for your mom's surgery."

Gi-hun keeps looking at the ring on the palm of his hand, for a second you see a little melancholy in his eyes. So you add:

“Or you can keep it if you want. As a keepsake. It's your choice.”

“No, you're right, selling is the best thing under the circumstances. If I can get anything close to what I paid for it originally, maybe it will be enough for me to pay the first installment of the surgery. Thank you for keeping it to me for so long.”

"You're welcome…Did you really think I was going to ask you to marry me after being in a relationship with you for three days?"

“You are the one who gave me a ring with no prior context! What was I supposed to think? And anyway three days is just technicality. If you count the beginning of our romantic relationship from our first kiss it would be a 27 year relationship. So it would make sense for you to ask me to marry you.”

"And just forget about those inconvenient 16 years in between while you were married to someone else?"

"Yes."

“Anyway, even if we counted from that point forward it would still be illegal, so no new wedding rings for you. Sorry."

"Yes Sang-woo because you care so much about obeying the law."

You laugh.

"Go to sleep Gi-hun."

You go to bed with him, you doubt you'll be able to sleep too, but it's worth it for the pleasure of his company.

Chapter Text

It's a good morning, your boyfriend is lying on his stomach on the bed while you're placing kisses along his spine, with two fingers inside him.

"You are so fucking hot, I still can't believe I get do this with you." You say.

Sang-woo doesn't say anything in response to that, only smirks. He only stops smirking when you move your fingers in a way you've noticed he really likes, making him moan.

You're sure you are getting better at this. When it comes to sex in the two weeks since he showed up on your doorstep Sang-woo rarely asked you for anything, with you usually choosing what you're in the mood for that day and he going along with whatever you want. But this morning he asked you to fuck him before going to work, and you gladly agreed.

"Ready?"

"Yeah." he says, his eyes closed in anticipation.

You take your fingers out of him and put some more lube on your cock. A few days ago you two decided to stop using condoms, according to Sang-woo he did all the tests for STDs not too long ago, and you've only had two sexual partners since the beginning of the millennium and you've never had any problems with sores or anything like that (the smile he gave after you revealed this fact was so smug that you threw a pillow on his face).

You enter him slowly, your hands gripping his hips, enjoying how hot and tight he feels, not for the first time it occurs to you that the universe made him especially for you, or maybe you for him. It's hard to know for sure.  

You start your thrusts slowly, giving him time to get used to you. But soon Sang-woo starts moving his hips faster to meet your thrusts and you increase your pace to match his.

A loud groan escapes his lips, and you're almost sure it's one of pleasure, but just in case you ask:

"Everything okay there? Do you want me to stop?

"Don't stop. Go on."

You pull his torso up, hugging him from behind, to bring his lips closer to you. You come feeling him moaning against your mouth.

You keep yourself in the same position, and with one hand you hold his chest, with the other you jerk him off until he comes too.

The two of you fall to bed after that, your heavy breaths filling the room. For a moment you just lie down next to him, but then you get up and go to the kitchen to get a glass of water and in the bathroom a small towel.

You take a sip of the water, and the rest you take to him.

"Thanks." He says when you hand him the glass of water.

"You're welcome." You say and start wiping the cum that was running down his thighs with the towel.

When you are done, you once again lie down beside him. And Sang-woo looks at you in silence, with a rather intense expression on his face. After a few seconds you ask:

"What are you thinking so seriously?"

"You'll think it's weird ."

"I don't mind hearing something weird."

"Well I always liked sex."

"That's not weird. Most people like it."

"Don't interrupt me, I'm trying to tell you something here."

"Okay tell me."

"Apart from the pleasure of the act, sex for me always was something that relieved my stress and afterward I always seemed to be able to focus better and think more clearly about the things that really matter. But with you it's more, it probably sounds ridiculous, but it usually feels like something in my soul has been fed and soothed. That's weird, isn't it?"

"A little bit, but I think I understand what you mean."

He touches your face, his fingers caressing your cheek.

"Hyung I know you feel insecure about the fact that I've had more sex partners than you, but you really have no reason to feel that way, I never felt the things I should feel with them. Even with Ha-joon who was basically the perfect partner for me in theory."

"He wasn't perfect. He was an asshole, he found out you were doing something illegal and instead of trying to get you to stop he dumped you. I wouldn't do that to you."

He smiles.

"I know. Anyway what I'm trying to say is that this is all very new to me, you have a lot more romantic experience than me. You've been in love so many times and with so many different people. But for me it was always just you."

You feel grateful, you know that talking about these things isn't easy for him, and yet he's trying.

And he's trying for you.

"Not that many, and I don't want anyone but you right now. You know that right?"

"Yes, but keep reminding me from time to time so I don't forget."

He kisses you and pulls you on top of him, wrapping you in his arms.

"I'm really going to miss this when I'm in jail."

You wish he hadn't mentioned this, thinking of him in prison and away from you makes your heart ache.

Usually the penalty for the crimes he has committed ranges from two to four years, but Sang-woo fears that due to the massive amount of money he took, that maybe the legal system could give him the maximum possible sentence for crimes of this kind, ten years in jail.

You said that everything would be okay, that you're going to visit him every week and that you're going to wait for him, after all what is another ten years for someone who's already waited over thirty. But the number scared you a little when you heard it, and it still scares you now.

"Maybe we could arrange some conjugal visits." You suggest.

"They're only for married people, and you know I can't marry you."

"That seems unfair."

"It is unfair. We live in an unfair world…I really wish you didn't have to go to work today."

"Me too."

.

.

.

You leave the house, and spend the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon working downtown. After a customer gives you a good tip after leaving her in the airport you want to go to the betting house, but you hold back today.

Over the past two weeks, every time you've mentioned the possibility of going to the betting house to try and turn the money you've been earning as a driver into more money Sang-woo started talking about how he thinks you have a gambling addiction and stuff he read online about it. He even wrote down the addresses and times at which some support groups for people with a gambling addiction meet and gave it to you. 

You're still not quite convinced that you have an addiction, but you think that eventually you're going to end up going to one of these groups just because he's so insistent.

Instead you stop by the hospital to see your mother, and there you have good news, her surgery has finally been scheduled and it will happen at the end of the month. Two days before your 47th birthday.

You told Sang-woo that you would probably spend the night working and not come back until the next morning, but just before midnight you decide to change your plans.

You want to be home, you want to be with him. So you go back to the neighborhood, this time you even take the car with you.

"Sang-woo, I'm home." You say as soon as you walk through the door.

You expect him to come to you, but he doesn't.

You then walk to your room expecting to find him sleeping in your bed, but again he is not there.

"Sang-woo if you're hiding you should stop! It's not funny, you're worrying me."

You look in your mother's bedroom and in the bathroom until it becomes impossible to deny the fact that Sang-woo is no longer there.

Chapter Text

You walk the streets of the neighborhood where you grew up at night.

It's past midnight and there are very few people on the street.

In the two weeks since you've moved back here, this is the third time you've taken one of these night walks, you're a lot more confident now that the police won't be waiting around the corner to arrest you than you were in the first few times. Still, you walk around in one of Gi-hun's hoodies and wearing one of his caps that obscures your face somewhat.

The first time you did this it was because you were feeling like you were going crazy from being inside too long waiting for Gi-hun to come home. That time you just walked around the main street.

Today you go much further, you walk for hours on streets you haven't visited for decades but whose paths are all etched in your mind, you go to the schools where you used to study, and to the spots where you used to play. And long-forgotten memories keep coming back to your mind.

There are thousands of places more beautiful than your neighborhood, but none of them could mean as much to you as this one. It's the place where your parents chose to build a home, where they worked side by side until your father's death. It is the place where you studied, played and fell in love. It's where you were the happiest, it's where you grew up.

When you were young you couldn't wait to get out of this place, now you can barely stand the thought of leaving.

You're still surprised that the police didn't show up at Gi-hun's door looking for you yet, after all if the neighbors told your mother that you were last seen entering his house it would make sense for them to tell the authorities if questioned (and your mother told Gi-hun that policemen appeared other times looking for you and that she also saw them talking to the neighbors later), but apparently so far nobody has ratted you out.

Gi-hun has a theory as to why this happened. He thinks that even though you were no longer Ssangmundong’s Pride, you had still grown up in the neighborhood, and even though you had gone to live somewhere else you had never really left that place. People have seen you spend your life still going back there, helping your mother after your father died. Anyone who turned you over to the police would instantly become a pariah, because even if you weren't the man they used to think you were, you're still one of them.

To you this theory sounds overly optimistic, but you still enjoyed listening to it and briefly seeing the neighborhood and the people who live there the way Gi-hun sees them.

You end up in the playground where you used to play when you were a kid, the last time you were in this place was the night of your goodbye party before going to university, the night you kissed Gi-hun for the first time. For most of your life you've thought of that night as one of the biggest regrets of your life, that you screwed everything up by kissing Gi-hun, that by exposing so much of your silly feelings you embarrassed yourself and made it impossible for things to go on as they were before. .

You still feel regret when you think about that night, but now you know the mistake was not kissing him, but stopping kissing him. It’s strange to realize that even though you spent most of your life being praised for your intelligence, in the end your heart was always wiser than your mind.

You are pulled from your thoughts by the sound of a car braking, and then by Gi-hun screaming your name in the middle of the night as he runs towards you like an idiot.

"Gi-hun stop screaming, you'll wake people up." You say through gritted teeth.

You thought maybe he was going to kiss you when he reached you like you were in a romantic drama. But instead he looks irritated and holds your shoulders shaking you a little.

"What are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to take a walk."

"At two in the morning?"

"Is it two already?"

"Yes! And answer me, why are you out of the house?"

“I was feeling trapped from staying inside for too long, and it's not like I could go out during the day. Now breathe, speak at a low volume, as you pointed out it's two in the morning, and tell me why are you so upset, did something happen?

"You happened! I got home and you weren't anywhere and there wasn't a note or anything! You scared me!"

"I thought I'd be back before you arrived. You specifically told me you'd only be back in the morning."

“And that makes everything okay? I thought maybe the police showed up and arrested you, or that you went to turn yourself in without telling me, or that you decided to go to the games after all. I've spent the last hour pretty sure you left me one way or another."

"I wouldn’t do that."

"You did it before!"

"But I wouldn't do it now. I'm sorry I scared you, and you're right I should have left a note, but you shouldn't assume I'll always leave, I already said that I will try to stay with you as long as possible. Dammit why can’t you believe me?"

He sits down on the bench, resting his face in his hands.

"Hyung, there is no reason for you to cry, everything is fine, we are fine." You say sitting down next to him, putting your hand on his shoulder.

"I'm not crying." He says through his fingers and from the sound of his voice it seems to be true.

"I really stressed you out today, huh?"

"Obviously yes. And then acting like I’m being hysterical is not helping either."

"Would you rather I start screaming too?"

"No," He says and lays his head in your lap, and continues, "And I want to trust you, but it's hard sometimes."

"So why did you come home early? Did something happen?"

"No, I just wanted to surprise you."

"You surprised, I was definitely not expecting to see someone shouting my name in public in the middle of the night. So congratulations on achieving your goal."

"Idiot." He says.

You lower your head to kiss him.

When the kiss ends he asks:

"Do you really feel trapped in my house?"

“Sometimes, but not when you're there, when you're with me there's nowhere else I would rather be. But our situation is not sustainable, I can't spend my life just hiding in your house, and after your mother recovers she'll come home, and that might bring additional complications.”

"Like what?"

"Well, does she know you're bi?"

"No."

“That’s what I thought. And she might not react well, and even if she reacts well to that part she probably won't be super happy about you bringing your boyfriend who is on the run from the cops to hide at her house.”

“Maybe if it was some else yes, but it's you. My mom always liked you.”

“As your friend, not as your boyfriend. I think you're underestimating how bad the situation can be.”

“And I think you're overestimating. And anyway if she doesn't want you there, I can rent an apartment just for us.”

"With what money Gi-hun?"

He pauses for a moment, and says:

“Do you want to turn yourself in already? To try to get some kind of deal with the police?”

“No, I want as much time as possible with you, that hasn't changed. I've waited too long for this. I'm only going to be arrested when they find me or when I have no choice but to turn myself in.”

"Okay, and who knows, maybe we'll find a solution before then, maybe everything will be alright."

That sounds impossible to you, but you like that he believes that’s a possibility, in some ways now that you don't have his wedding ring anymore he's become the living symbol for you of everything the ring used to represent. That there is sometimes cause for hope, even when you don't see it.

"I would like to have your optimism." You say running your fingers through his hair "Shall we go back home?"

"Later, give me a few minutes to rest first."

"Okay, we can stay for as long as you need."

Chapter Text

On the day of your mother's surgery you arrive at the hospital at around ten in the morning, with the intention of spending time with her before it’s time for her to go to the operating table. And apparently you weren't the only one who had this idea, because when you get there, you find your daughter and your ex already present in the room beside the bed where your mother is.

Ga-yeong runs to hug you, your ex stays by your mother's side and says:

"Hello."

"Hi."

Things are still kind of weird between you and her, a few days after you punched her husband Eun-ji didn't even want to let you see Ga-yeong, at least not until you explained exactly why you punched him. She still said that you shouldn't have resorted to violence, but also that her husband shouldn't have made an offer like that, especially without consulting her first. It gave you a kind of guilty pleasure that day to know that next time when they were alone she would probably scold him for it.

You walk over to your mother's bed, and talk to her for a while, holding her hand. A nurse shows up to give your mother medication, so you step out of the way and go to Ga-yeong's side noticing that she looks a bit crestfallen.

"You two arrived early." You comment to her.

"Yes, we've been here since seven."

"Wow really early, did you eat anything before leaving the house?"

"Just some toast with orange juice."

"Do you want some ice cream now?"

"Gi-hun you will ruin her appetite for lunch." Eun-ji says.

"Come on, let me give her a treat, and it's still a long time before lunch."

.

.

.

You and Ga-yeong go to a diner in front of the hospital while your ex stays in the room with your mother, Ga-yeong orders a chocolate sundae and you choose a neapolitan for yourself.

But Ga-yeong still looks a little sad.

"Are you worried about grandma?"

"A little bit."

"You don't have any reason to be, the doctors are very smart, they know what they're doing."

The truth is, you're quite worried too, you spent a good part of the night reading on your cell phone about people who had all sorts of complications during surgeries similar to the one your mother is going to have. That's until Sang-woo basically took your cell phone out of your hand after he asked what you were doing and you answered with the truth. He said there was value in being prepared, but that focusing too much on what could go wrong was not productive. He later managed to distract you with food and sex, but upon waking up your thoughts of what could go wrong came back, depending on what happens today you could spend your first birthday as an orphan in a few days. But you don't want such possibilities to cross your daughter's mind.

"I know." Ga-yeong says.

"Is something else bothering you?"

“Well, before you arrived Grandma said she was worried about you spending the last month alone, that you probably weren't taking care of yourself without anyone around. And I kept thinking about this.”

"Honey, this is really sweet but unnecessary. You don't have to worry about me, I can take care of myself. And I'm not alone, do you remember my friend Sang-woo? You met him at my father's funeral."

"Yes. What about him?"

"He's staying with me while grandma is in the hospital. He's having some problems so I invited him to stay at our house for a while. I'm really enjoying having him there. After you and grandma, he's my favorite person in the world…But are you asking just because grandma is in the hospital, or because you're worried about how I'm going to be when you move out of the country?"

"So my mom told you?"

"No. She told Grandma, and then Grandma told me."

"I almost told you on my birthday, but I didn't want to make you sad."

"I figured that was why. So are you excited about going to the United States?"

Ga-yeong hesitates, so you continue:

"It's okay if you're excited about moving, going to another country is something really interesting. I never left Korea but I always thought it would be cool to go somewhere else."

"I'll miss you and Grandma."

You smile.

“We'll miss you too. But there are a lot of ways we can talk these days even from the other side of the world, and I want to talk to you every day for at least a few minutes, my friend Sang-woo said he's going to help me make a schedule so we can see the best times for us to talk considering the different time zones.”

"Cool. Will he continue to live with you after Grandma gets back?”

“I’m not sure, probably not. But I will still keep seeing him as much as I can. Just as I'm going to keep seeing you, people don't need to be by your side all the time to be loved by you. And I love you so much, you know that, right?”

"Of course dad."

And from her expression it really seems obvious to her. When you were her age and your dad said he loved you, you always wondered if he was being sincere. You're not the best dad in the world, but you're better than he was and that's worth a lot.

.

.

.

After the doctors come to pick up your mother for surgery, you offer to take Ga-yeong and her mother back to their apartment. And to your surprise your ex accepts your offer.

In the car, Ga-yeong talks about her english classes and how she had to buy new winter coats because apparently Minnesota, the state where they were going to live, is very cold in January. Now you know the date she will leave and that makes you a bit melancholic, but you try to see things on the bright side: at least until the end of the year she will be close.

You go up to their apartment with her so she can show you the new coats in her closet, they are beautiful and they look expensive. Far more expensive than you could afford. You want her to have nice things, and you're grateful that her stepfather is giving her so much, but you also feel quite small for a moment.

Back in the living room you say:

"Ga-yeong can you leave me alone with your mother for a minute?"

She hesitates and then says:

"Okay. But please don't fight.”

"We're not going to fight, I just want to ask her something."

"Okay." Ga-yeong says and goes to her room.

"What do you want to ask?" Eun-ji asks when you two are alone.

“Can I pick her up on Sunday afternoon? I know it's not one of my days, but it's my birthday and I want to take her to the movies and to have dinner with me.”

"Fine. But don't bring her in too late, she has school the next morning.”

"Okay, I won't."

"Can I ask you a personal question?"

A chill runs down your spine.

"Yes?" You say rather fearful.

"I ran into one of our old neighbors a few days ago and she mentioned that people are saying you're romantically involved with a man."

"Yes, it's true."

"Have you told Ga-yeong yet?"

"Not yet…could you tell her for me?"

"You are unbelievable." She says shaking her head.

"Please? You're so much better at explaining things than I am."

She grunts and says:

"Fine."

"Thanks."

"Do I know him? The man you're dating?”

"Yes."

"Is it Tae-yong?"

“No, he was just a friend like I've told you a million times. And it's been seven years since I've seen him, I don't even know if he's still living in the city.”

"So, who is him?"

“Do you remember Sang-woo? My childhood friend? The one who went to Seoul University?”

“Huh, that makes sense. Your eyes always felt distant when you talked about him… were you already in love with him when we got married?”

You discreetly dig your nails into the palm of your hand to ensure this isn't a nightmare. You feel the pain of your nails pressing against your skin. It's real and it's happening.

You take a deep breath.

“Yes, but I loved you too. It wasn't a lie.”

"I know."

You don't really want to say what you're going to say, but you feel like you owe her the truth now that you two are finally having this conversation.

“I kissed him once when we were still together, I'm sorry. It was disrespectful to you and to our marriage.”

"When?"

"On my fortieth birthday."

"Just a kiss?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"I thought you were going to be a bit more angry than that."

“It was a long time ago. And I also kissed my husband when we were still together.”

"More than kissed, you got pregnant with his child."

"We weren't together at that point anymore, our marriage was just on paper and you know that."

"Okay, but did the kiss happen when we were together?"

"Yes."

You pause for a moment, despite everything still hurts a little to know that.

“Don't make that face. You just admitted that you kissed someone else too.”

"I know."

“If it's worth anything, it wasn't meant to hurt you. I just fell in love with someone else. And I'm not like you, I can't romantically love two people at the same time. I don't know why, I've always been like that.”

"You don't need to justify yourself."

“I know, I'm just explaining. So how are things going with you and Sang-woo?”

"Good. Very good." You say, and it's true aside from the part of him probably going to jail soon.

The last month was at the same time one of the happiest and most stressful of your life. Enjoying every moment with him, and scared to death he's going to be ripped from you at any moment.

"Enjoy, this time without arguments is so good and passes so quickly."

“It's not completely without arguments. He thinks I have a gambling addiction, he keeps saying I should go to a support group or something.”

Eun-ji considers what you said for a few seconds.

“Sounds like a good idea…it was really tiring being married to someone who had this kind of issue. I couldn't leave money lying around the house because I couldn't trust you not to pick it up the second I turned my back, or leave the house not knowing if there was a loan shark waiting outside to threaten me because my husband borrowed a lot of money without telling me again.”

“I know, I'm sorry. I wish it had been different.”

"Me too. Most of the time it felt like it was me against you, when it should have been us against whatever problem came up. I think it's worth trying not to make someone else go through the same thing.”

"I will try."

"So, did you get the money for the surgery from a loan shark?"

"No. I managed to get the hospital to let me pay in installments. The first one I got the money partly from my job as a driver, and the rest by selling my wedding ring.”

Eun-ji is silent for a few seconds, then says:

"Wait here." she says and goes towards her room.

She returns less than a minute later.

"You can sell mine too." she says placing her ring in the palm of your hand.

You look at the ring for a moment then say:

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. It's not like I'm going to use it again.”

You laugh and she smiles for a moment.

And it's the first time in so many years she's done this while talking to you that it feels bizarre. But a good kind of bizarre.

"Thanks, this will help."

"You're welcome."

You put the ring in your pocket and call Ga-yeong back to the living room to say goodbye. You tell her you're going to pick her up on Sunday, and then you hug her.

You don't hug Eun-ji, but you feel like doing it for a moment. She is no longer your wife, and now you know she was never the great love of your life. But, still she is the mother of your child and she's not a bad person, even if she was kind of bad to you for a while, like you were to her.

You drive back to the hospital and imagine the rest of your day. That in a few hours you will hear good news from the doctors, and then you'll go home and sleep peacefully in the arms of the man who loves you.

Chapter Text

You woke up very early in the morning and tiptoed out of bed so as not to wake Gi-hun. In the kitchen you made him fresh coffee and toast with butter, you also made scrambled eggs and you cut up various fruits and put them in a bowl with whipped cream.

You see all the items in the tray. In terms of birthday breakfasts, it didn't look bad. A few days before your mother again sent a fair amount of groceries for you two and in preparation for today you kept some items in the back of the fridge so they would not be consumed until Gi-hun's birthday.

Sometimes over the last few years you've fantasized a little bit about being together with him on his birthday, usually in your fantasies the day started the same, you getting up early to make him breakfast. Then you would give him all sorts of presents, and take him to beautiful and different places, and when night came you would take him to a really nice hotel and spend the whole night pleasuring him.

You know that luxuries don't matter that much to Gi-hun, and that being with you means more, but you still wish you could give him more than you can afford.

You think maybe you woke up a little too early, Gi-hun didn't go to work the night before, but he left in the afternoon to visit his mother at the hospital and then he went to his first gambling addiction support group meeting and came back reasonably late. According to him the meeting had been okay, even though he didn't say anything this time, just sat there listening to other people talk about their addictions.

You wait another fifteen minutes, but fearing that the coffee will get cold soon, you think you'd better wake him up at once.

You place the breakfast tray on the dresser and wake him up with kisses on his neck and shoulders. Gi-hun opens his eyes and says:

"Good Morning."

"Happy Birthday Hyung."

Gi-hun smiles.

"You remembered!"

"Of course."

The truth is you never forgot his birthday, since your childhood almost every October 31st your first thought after waking up was that it was his birthday, for many years you blamed his birthday being on Halloween for that fact, because of the horror movies that began to show during this time of the year on various television channels. Now you think it would probably have been the same thing if he had been born any other day of the year. 

You get up to get the tray from the dresser.

"Did you make me breakfast?!"

"Yeah." You say placing the tray on the bed between you and him.

"Thank you, that's so nice," he says, picking up the toast and taking a bite "It's been about five years since I last got breakfast in bed for my birthday."

"So how does my breakfast in bed compares to your ex's?"

“She didn't do it last time, it was Ga-yeong. Things weren't so good between us at that time.”

"What time are you going to pick up Ga-yeong today?"

"The movie doesn't start until four, but I think I'd better get out of here around three in case there's traffic."

"That seems very responsible."

“Well, I am a man of almost fifty. Ugh, I'm getting so old, can you believe this?”

"Yes, it's how time works."

"Will you still want me when I turn fifty?"

You consider for a few seconds what would be the appropriate answer to a dumb question like that.

“No Gi-hun, forty-nine is my limit. October 30th, 2024, the day I'm going to dump you. Mark it on your calendar.”

"That is a horrible joke Sang-woo!" Gi-hun says and throws one of the pillows in your face.

You laugh and then put the pillow back in place.

"It was a joke, right?" Gi-hun asks.

"Of course."

"Jerk."

"So I will have you all to myself until three today?"

"Yes you will."

.

.

.

After breakfast you start making out with him and it doesn't take long for you to feel him getting hard under you.

“What do you want first? Do you want me to suck you or would you rather fuck me?”

"I was actually thinking, that maybe, you know, uh-"

"Yes?"

“That maybe, if you want of course, that it could be interesting if we switched roles this time? Do you wanna fuck me?”

This surprises you a bit, you've thought about it a fair number of times, but Gi-hun had never shown any interest so far so you didn't suggest it.

"I do, but why now?"

"Well, the other day you said you like to top as well as to bottom, so I thought it would be interesting to vary it a little more."

“Gi-hun you don't need to do anything for me okay? I'm really happy with the way our sex life is, there's nothing missing for me. Alright?"

“That's good to hear, but I want to try. You know something different because it's my birthday, and if I don't like it, we can forget about it.”

"Okay."

You prepare his body slowly with your fingers and your tongue, using lots of lube and jerking him off with your other hand. Sometimes giving kisses and lightly biting his inner thighs in a way that always makes him shiver.

“Stop teasing me. You can start, I'm ready.” Gi-hun says.

“I'm preparing you, not teasing you. And I think a few more minutes of fingering would be better, you're still not as open as you could be.”

"Sang-woo I want to come with you inside me and if you keep this up I won't last too long."

"You can come more than once, we have until three."

"Yes, but I want it now. And it's my birthday you should do what I say."

"Right then. On all fours is probably more comfortable for your first time.”

"No, I want to see your face."

"Okay, so put a pillow under your hips."

"Alright."

You position yourself, and penetrate him slowly, giving him time to get used to your length. It's as good as you always thought it would be, and it takes all your self-control not to start thrusting into him with all you have. Gi-hun grunts and you stroke his face and say:

"You want to stop?"

"No, just stay still for a while so I can get used to it."

"Okay."

You start kissing him, on his mouth and on his neck, on his shoulders and on his collarbone.

"Sang-woo?"

"Yeah?"

"I know you don't usually talk much during sex, but I think I need some words today."

"Like roleplay or encouragement?"

"Encouragement I think? We can try roleplaying some other day if you want.”

You try to think of the things you've seen men say to each other in porn movies, but none of the dialogue really feels right for you and him. You decide better to ask him.

"What kind of things do you want to hear?"

"I don't know, just say things you like about me." he says looking kind of shy.

You touch his face with your hands, your fingertips tracing his lips.

“Like is too weak a word to describe the things I feel about you. I love your smile and your eyes. I love your skin and your hands…I love your mouth. I love your voice and the things you say. I love your food and how you make me laugh. I never wanted anything in life as I want you, I adore you, every day I spent away from you was a day I was longing for you. I would die for you."

"No. Don't talk about dying, I don't like it.”

“I live for you and I plan to keep on doing it. That's better?"

"Much better...you can start moving now."

You do as he says, initially trying to go slowly but soon not being able to hold back and increasing your pace.

You lift your torso, momentarily pulling away from him, but then pulling him by the hips towards you, penetrating him fast and hard as his legs wrap around your waist. And he starts stroking his cock while you fuck him.

"Hyung?"

"Yeah?" He says with a gasping breath.

"I love your cock, I love your ass, I love how hot and tight you feel."

"Yes. Go on."

"I love that no one else is going to do this to you. I love that you're mine and I'm yours."

"Yes. Yes."

"You're doing so well Hyung, it's like you were made to take my cock." 

He tightens his inner muscles and you end up coming inside him. This wasn't what you were planning, you really wanted to make him come first.

You put your head between his legs and start licking and sucking your cum from him. He comes before you're done.

You put on your shorts and go to the kitchen for a drink of water and bring him a glass too. Gi-hun is still lying in the same position you left him in, panting, his face flushed and sweat making the hairs in his bangs stick to his forehead. He looks wrecked in the best possible way and you feel a primal satisfaction in knowing that he is in this state because of you.

"Here, drink water."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

He takes a big gulp, drinking the entire contents of the glass at once, making some of the water run out of his mouth and down his neck, mixing with his sweat.

"You want more?"

"Not now, just lie here with me."

You do as he says, lying down beside him, touching his chest with your hands.

"I love that I'm yours and you're mine too." Gi-hun says.

You feel a little embarrassed right now thinking about the things you said in the heat of the moment.

"Good to know. I'm sorry you didn't come with me inside you like you wanted."

Gi-hun smiles and says:

"That's okay, there's always the next time."

"So, did you like?"

"Yeah. But I like it the other way too. I think we can keep mixing it up.”

"Sounds good to me."

"To me too."

.

.

.

You and Gi-hun have sex one more time before he leaves, this time in the shower with the hot water falling all over you as he fucks you against the tiles on the bathroom wall.

You fall asleep right after he leaves, and only wake up after dark with the sound of his voice beside you.

"Hey. Did you sleep all afternoon?" he asks sitting on the edge of the bed, stroking your hair.

"Yes. Basically."

You notice two large travel bags on the floor.

"What is it?"

"I stopped by your mom and she told me they called from your old apartment telling her to go get your things or they were going to throw it all away. She said she will pick up the rest later this week, but today she went there and got your mail and some clothes so you don't have to wear my horrible clothes anymore."

"She called your clothes horrible?"

"Not out loud, but she said it with her eyes and with her tone. You know I always thought that if we got together that she might have objections, but I thought it would be because I'm a man, not because of the way I dress."

You laugh and he ends up laughing too.

"How was the movie?"

"It was fun. Ga-yeong liked it too...She asked about you today."

"What?"

“I asked her mom to tell her about us. And after the movie I took her to have a milkshake, and I explained it in more detail. It was better than I expected, to be honest I was a little nervous about telling her about you and me. If I was her age and my dad had started dating a man I would have been very shocked but she seems to have understood without a problem. She's such a good girl. I'm very lucky to have her as a daughter."

"I'm happy for you."

"Thanks. This was a really good birthday, the best I've had in years." He says and lies down beside you.

And it doesn't take long for him to fall asleep.

You try to sleep too but you can't bring yourself to after sleeping so long. So you end up getting up and going to the kitchen.

You eat some rice and chicken left over from lunch and then go through the contents of the travel bags Gi-hun brought. You approve of your mother's selection of shirts and pants, thinking it will be good to get back to wearing your own clothes.

Then you examine the mail she brought. As you'd expect, the vast majority are bills and letters from angry ex clients threatening you.

But there is a letter that is not.

And reading the sender address on the envelope you feel pretty confused for a moment.

On the other side it's your address and your name, but you think it must be a mistake. You can't think of any person who could be sending you something from Pakistan.

You open the letter and find inside it a bank card and a single sheet of paper with a few lines written on it :

Thank you for the money for the bus ticket and for the meal. Now more than ever I am aware that there is not much kindness in this world and you offered me yours when I really needed it. And it has not been forgotten. Please accept this as a thank you gift.

Best wishes,

Player 199

Chapter Text

You look at the cars in front of you and feel anxious in a way you haven't in months. Your destination is Incheon International Airport, it usually only takes about 30 minutes to get there from Seoul. But just today there's a traffic jam on the way.

"Gi-hun relax, we'll be there on time." Sang-woo says on the sit next to you, probably because as usual all your emotions are on display on your face. You really wish you weren't so easy to read to everyone.

“What if the plane leaves early?”

“You're being paranoid. Airlines don't work like that, sometimes flights are delayed, but they never leave earlier than the scheduled time.” Sang-woo says.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Completely.”

That reassures you a little, but not completely. You really don't like the possibility that you won't be able to give your daughter one last hug before she boards the plane to The United States.

You try to comfort yourself by reminding yourself that even if the worst happens at least you've spent most of the day before with her. You picked up Ga-yeong in the morning and had lunch with her and your mother, and then you took them to this arcade game place and the three of you stayed there until dark. And you've only cried twice throughout the day, which is far less than you had anticipated.

Sang-woo didn't go with you three because he had one more meeting with the lawyer to work out more details of the many legal deals he had made in the last few months. When he said that he had received the money to pay what he had taken from his clients' accounts you thought it would just be a matter of returning what he had taken and everything would be resolved quickly. But apparently things were more complicated than that, because although the vast majority thought it best to just drop the charges with the police in exchange for having the money at once rather than having to go through a long and slow legal process to punish Sang-woo for his crimes and getting the money through the justice system, others were harder to negotiate, and were wanting more money than had been taken. Which Sang-woo says isn't all that unfair considering the money would likely have generated profits if it had been left in the original accounts. And in some cases he and the lawyer made arrangements to pay an extra amount, which although fair Sang-woo didn't like it at all.

He had received a lot of money, not as much as the games' prize would have been according to the organizers but still enough to pay the massive amount of money he owed and maybe start something new. But now the money that was meant to start something new probably wouldn't be there.

And you know that more money would really have helped, so you understand his frustration, even though he hasn't been arrested, people in the business field know the things he's done and he thinks it's virtually impossible for him to get another job in the financial sector or even in a reputable company even if in a different field. 

But even knowing this you can't really bring yourself to feel depressed when you think about the future. Because you can have him and you can keep him by your side. That's enough, that's a lot, that's way more than you thought you'd get.

Sang-woo and some people in your support group often say that luck is something that doesn't really exist, that it's just a story people tell themselves to try to make sense of the universe, human beings finding patterns in chaos, and you understand why they would say such things, but you can't help but think that the universe has blessed you this time.

.

.

.

Shortly after the beginning of November of the previous year, Sang-woo returned to live at his mother's house down the street in the room of his teenage years, saying that he didn't want to make things uncomfortable for your mother once she returned from the hospital.

Your mother's reaction to finding out you were together wasn't as bad as Sang-woo feared, but also not as good as you were hoping it would be.

And you could tell she was still somewhat uncomfortable with the concept of you being together with a man, and for the most part she still refers to Sang-woo as your friend rather than your boyfriend. But the fact that it was Sang-woo rather than some other random man helped, it also made her hesitate to complain as she saw him as the one who had helped her keep her leg. And she wasn't completely wrong as Sang-woo actually ended up paying the remaining amount of the surgery payments. Sang-woo said that you should tell her how much you contributed, how much effort you put in to get the money. That when things really mattered you proved yourself to be a good son. 

And getting some recognition from her sounded kinda nice, but you ended up deciding better not now, having her liking your boyfriend means more than getting credit for your month of hard work. 

Not living with him anymore feels weird, even though he's just a little further down the street. Most mornings you wake up and get dressed and then you go over to his house, often ending up having breakfast with him and his mother, and usually after Mrs Cho goes to the store you end up in his bed. 

One thing you don't really like is the fact that Sang-woo refuses to have sex with you when his mother is at home, which to you seems very strange since neither you nor he are particularly loud during sex, and the first time you guys had sex so many years ago his mother was in the house. But he says he doesn't want to make her uncomfortable and you understand. You sometimes think that if you had dated during your teens maybe it would have been a bit like that and that has its charm.

But you miss waking up every morning and seeing his face.

So a few days ago you convinced him to check out a one-bedroom apartment next street, above the closed shop where the grocery store used to be, with the intention of renting it out.

If it were up to you the contract would have been signed that day, but Sang-woo said it would be irresponsible to do so without checking at least a few more of the available options.

.

.

.

You arrive at the airport and you try to call Ga-yeong on the phone but the signal is bad, which leaves you in the position of walking around the place looking for her face among the crowd of people there.

As soon as you see her with her mother, stepfather and brother and you start running towards her, and when you reach her you give her a huge hug that takes her feet off the ground making her laugh.

“Sorry for not arriving earlier.” You tell her.

"It's okay dad."

Sang-woo who came walking at a normal pace instead of running catches up to you.

“Hey Ga-yeong.”

"Hi."

“Excited about the trip?”

"Yes I guess." she answers.

Then he turns towards your ex and says:

"Hello. Nice to see you again.”

"Hi, likewise." Eun-ji responds.

And it's kind of awkward. You realize this is probably the first time they are talking to each other since the day of your wedding. It occurs to you now how weird it is that these two people who have defined so much of your life being practically strangers to each other.

“So you got a lot of traffic on the way here?” Eun-ji asks.

“Yeah, I spent most of the ride thinking I was going to be too late.” You say.

"You're almost here, in fifteen minutes we'll have to board." Eun-ji says.

"You see? It wasn't just my paranoia.” You say to Sang-woo.

“Perhaps, but you arrived on time. That's what matters, right?”

"Right. So Ga-yeong did you buy anything to eat on the trip?”

“My mom said they serve lunch and dinner on the plane.”

"Yes, but I was thinking about things like chocolate and candy."

"Then no."

"Let's buy some then." You say and grab her hand and pull her towards the candy store.

In the store, seeing the large selection of sweets available, you get an idea.

“Let's buy more than just for the plane, choose all your favorite Korean brand sweets.” You tell her.

“Why only Korean brands?”

“Because it's probably going to be pretty hard to find them in Minnesota. And so every time you feel homesick for the next few months you can grab a candy or a chocolate and have a taste of home there with you.”

Ga-yeong smiles.

"I would like that."

She starts picking out the sweets and Sang-woo catches up with you, while Eun-ji, her husband and son wait outside the store.

"Hey, I'm sorry to leave you alone with them, I didn't think-"

"No problem. They're not that bad.”

“Even their weird kid?”

Sang-woo laughs and says:

"Yes, even him."

"Let's agree to disagree."

You look at your ex and her husband outside, he brings his face close to hers and says something next to her ear that makes her smile. A few months ago that sight would still have caused you some pain, but not now.

Things were a little better between you and her since the conversation you two had on the day of your mom's surgery, you two weren't exactly friends yet, but now you could talk to each other without feeling that weight of resentment because of everything that came before. You still think that her husband sucks and that her son gives off bad vibes. But at least they made her smile.

You think it's probably easier to be happy for someone else's happiness when you're happy too. Or maybe it's just time that passed and healed you without you realizing it.

Looking at them now, only one insecurity crosses your mind.

"Sang-woo I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to be honest, okay?"

"Okay."

"Do you think my ex's husband is more attractive than me?"

He looks the guy from head to toe and then says:

"No."

"Really?"

"Not even a little."

"So you would never leave me for him?"

"Not based on his looks."

“You asshole, you should have said: No, I will never leave you for him or for anyone else. ”

Sang-woo laughs.

"Then you should have specified that this is what you wanted to hear."

You two help Ga-yeong pick out more sweets, probably way more than you should. This is confirmed by the face Eun-ji makes when she sees you guys leaving the store.

“Why did you buy her so much candy?” she asks.

“It's not for her to eat everything right now. I told her to choose brands from here because it will be difficult for her to find them in the us. She can eat some on the plane, but the rest is to be saved and eaten little by little.”

“Well, I guess it makes sense when you put it like that. Ga-yeong, you heard your father do not eat everything at once.”

"I know mom."

.

.

.

The time for Ga-yeong to board comes quickly, too quickly in your opinion. Before she goes through airport security you give her a tight hug.

“Call me when you get there. Okay?"

“It will probably be quite late here.”

"Call me anyway, I don't mind being woken up if it's you."

“Alright, I will.”

You kiss her forehead one last time and then watch as she passes through airport security. She waves one more time before disappearing from your field of vision, you smile and wave back.

And your smile only disappears when she can't see you anymore. You had decided that her parting wouldn't be sad and that you wouldn't make her feel guilty about leaving or worried about you, and you think you've accomplished that.

You feel Sang-woo's hand on your shoulder.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

“Yes, I think we can see the planes from a window further on. Do you mind if we stay here a little longer?”

“Fine by me.”

You cross the airport and arriving where you can see the planes you and he sit on one of the benches, your shoulders touching.

“Which one do you think she is?”

“The one with the blue line across I think.”

You look at the plane in question and imagine your daughter inside. You imagine the plane flying and taking her to the other side of the world. You only notice that you've started to cry a little when Sang-woo wipes one of your tears with his thumb.

“I know it's easier these days and that I'll still be able to talk to her via video and that she will probably come back here eventually as her stepfather's mother's families still live here, but I'm going to miss her. ”

"It's okay to feel sad that she's moving away."

"Thanks."

He kisses you, softly and briefly on the lips.

And he looks confused when he sees the look of surprise on your face.

"What?" he says;

“Just you know, we're in public. I wasn't expecting it.”

“I'm sorry, it was automatic.”

“Don't be sorry, I liked it. I like everything you do to me.”

You hold his hand.

In the last few months you've touched him in so many different ways, but this is something you haven't tried to do yet. But if he's willing to kiss you in public out of the blue, doing this seems okay. Although you still feel a little scared remembering how it felt so long ago to hear him say that you could no longer hold his hand as you walked to school.

Your fear only passes when you feel him intertwining his fingers with yours. His hand obviously feels a lot different from the last time you held it, but it's still him. The one you've loved all your life.

He didn't have to come here with you, it's your daughter who's leaving, but he came because he knew you wanted him here with you at this time. Your life still is far from perfect, you still have debts and your daughter will be so far away so soon and your heart aches thinking about this. But you know it would be so much worse if you didn't have him there by your side holding your hand.

“I really missed this.” You say.

"Me too." Sang-woo says.

And you two stay that way, sitting there casually holding hands until the plane takes off.

Chapter Text

You are in the center of Seoul, a place where you lived most of your life but that nowadays you only visit sometimes.

A lot of things have changed in the last few years, for example nowadays nobody calls you Ssangmundong’s Pride anymore and for that you feel nothing but gratitude. You're not sure how people in the neighbourhood refer to you lately, maybe as one of the owners of the restaurant in front of the auto shop. But more likely just as Gi-hun's boyfriend. Or maybe as his husband.

In recent months your mother started referring to Gi-hun as your husband instead of your boyfriend to people who pass by her store when talking about the two of you. When you pointed out to her that this wasn't accurate and that it wasn't even legal under the laws of the country, she said it sounded a bit ridiculous for a man almost in his fifties to refer to his romantic partner as a boyfriend, that a husband sounded like much more respectable. And you could see she had a point.

Today specifically you had to go downtown because you had an appointment at the dentist, and also to buy some spices and ingredients that Gi-hun asked for that were hard to get in the neighborhood markets.

After finishing with the shopping there you take the subway back home, back to Ssangmundong.

When you get into the subway car all the seats are taken, you already feel resigned to having to spend the journey standing when one of the girls sitting on one of the sits says:

"Che-ol scoot over, let the man sit down."

The boy next to her moves closer to her opening space for you.

"Thank you." You say sitting down and placing your bags on the floor between your feet for support.

"You're welcome." the boy says.

The girl, however, remains quiet.

She looks a little too young to be the boy's mother, maybe she's a nanny or an older sister. And she looks a little familiar, probably a restaurant customer you think. You decide to stop looking at her before she gets the wrong impression.

She and the boy leave two points before you, before leaving the boy waves at you.

You wave back.

.

.

.

You live in a street next to the one you grew up in, in a one-bedroom apartment above your restaurant with your boyfriend and a cat who adores him and seems to only tolerate you. You are pretty sure that if your seventeen year old self saw you right now he would be disappointed. That doesn't bother you much, most seventeen year olds are idiots and you're well aware that you were no exception to the rule.

It's almost dark when you arrive at the restaurant, almost closing time (the restaurant only stays open at night during the weekends). Usually at this time Gi-hun can be found outside the kitchen talking to the staff or to the restaurant's customers who went in for a late lunch. But today you don't see him.

"Where's Gi-hun?" You ask one of the restaurant staff.

"He went out early. Today is his group meeting day, remember?"

You had actually forgotten. Until a few weeks ago Gi-hun used to go to the support group meetings that took place on Tuesdays, but he had decided to move to Thursdays because of Hyun-joo.

Gi-hun had met her in the group the year before and offered to be her sponsor. And when she had to change groups because of a scheduling conflict over a course she was taking, Gi-hun offered to change with her.

You decided that if Gi-hun really wanted to be a sponsor for someone in the group she was one of the best options available, you particularly liked the fact that she apparently has no interest in men given the close relationship she formed with Gi-hun over the last year.

She and her girlfriend came to dinner with you and Gi-hun a few times and seeing them together made you less afraid that she was secretly planning to seduce him and steal him from you. Those dinners had been okay but you always got the distinct impression that like cats, lesbians seemed to adore Gi-hun and find you only tolerable.

You close the restaurant and then pass the day's expense and profit data to an excel document.

It had been a good day in terms of profit, especially considering it wasn't a weekend. In general the restaurant was doing well lately. The first year after starting your own business you spent most of the time worrying that you had used the remaining money in an idiotic way since the resulting profit most months was just enough to pay the expenses, afraid it was one more financial mistake for the long list of your failures. But this year things had improved considerably, to the point where you now have a fair amount of extra money in your bank account.

You wanted to use the profits from the last semester to invest in equipment for the restaurant and in advertising. But Gi-hun said that he would like to visit his daughter in America for her birthday.

In the beginning of your relationship you used to believe that as time went on you would become more immune to his requests and you would be able to say no more often, but so far this has not proved itself to be the case. So in a few months you will travel out of the country for the first time in your life. 

Last year Ga-yeong came back with her mother, stepfather and younger brother to vacation in Korea, and a week of that vacation was spent in your apartment. You spent the weeks before she arrived a bit nervous, Ga-yeong seemed to like you when you talked to her via webcam along with Gi-hun, but you weren't sure if it wouldn't be awkward in person, before you got together with Gi -hun you've thought many times about what it would be like to be in a relationship with him, but you failed to consider that being with him would mean becoming someone's stepfather. If your mother had married someone after your father died you're pretty sure you'd hate the guy no matter who he was. But that fear passed after she arrived, it was fine, fun even, probably having another stepfather for years made the process of accepting you a little easier.

And now a picture of the three of you at the aquarium taken during that visit is the first thing you see when you arrive at the apartment, hanging there on the wall opposite the front door.

.

.

.

You feed the cat, take a bath, and then lie down on the couch and watch a documentary about emperor penguins while you wait for Gi-hun to come back home.

The documentary ends and Gi-hun still hasn't arrived which is unusual. You usually don't like to call him when he's at one of his support group meetings, but you do send him a few text messages asking him to contact you when he sees them.

Usually you'd wait for him for dinner but you're hungry. While you select the ingredients you decide that if he doesn't get back by the time you're done eating you will call him. And that if he doesn't answer, you will call Hyun-joo, or just go after him at the address where the group meeting takes place.

The water in the pot is starting to boil when the door opens.

And there he is smiling and walking towards you.

"Hey. I missed you today.” Gi-hun says and hugs you from behind resting his chin on your shoulder.

"You saw me seven hours ago." You say putting the noodles in the pot.

"And what does that have to do with anything? I still missed you.”

“I missed you too.” 

Gi-hun kisses you and you can taste alcohol in his mouth.

“Did you stop by a bar before coming home?”

“Yes, today is Seo-jun's birthday so I suggested it would be fun if we all went to a bar after the meeting was over. He's not close to his family so I thought this would cheer him up a bit. And I think it worked, actually the whole group had a great time I think.”

“Did you take the entire support group to a bar?”

“Yes, so what? We are addicted to gambling, not alcohol. What's the problem?"

"No problem, as long as you didn’t offer to pay for everyone’s drinks."

"I only did that once, you don’t need to worry every time. Anyway, each one paid for their own drinks, don't worry."

“So besides Seo-jun are there any other single people in your new group?”

“No Sang-woo, they make the single people go to a different group.” Gi-hun says and laughs.

You don’t say anything. So Gi-hun continues:

“You know your jealousy is very cute and flattering, but so delusional. Seriously everyone in the group sees me as an uncle or something. Next time you can come and have a beer with us and see it for yourself.”

“You know I don't really like going out in large groups. Also I don’t even like beer.”

Gi-hun looks pretty confused for a moment then asks:

"Since when you don’t like beer?"

"Since always. I drink it if nothing else is available, but it's one of the drinks I like the least.”

“Oh. Do you think it’s my fault you feel this way? I know our first kiss happened at a very difficult time for you emotionally, maybe you associate the taste of beer with all the conflicting feelings you had that night?”

“It has nothing to do with that night. I just don’t like the taste. That wasn't even the first time I drank beer, I had already tried it a few other times at one of my schoolmates' house and I had already decided that I didn't like it.”

Gi-hun looks really confused for a moment.

"So why did you agree to go and have a beer with me if you'd already tasted it and decided you didn't like it?"

"Well, because at the time I thought it would be my last day living in the neighborhood and you were the only person I wanted to be with. So you asked me and I said yes, I would have said yes to anything that would let me spend a little more time with you."

Gi-hun smiles.

"Really?"

"Yes, but stop making that face, it's no big deal."

"For me it is."

He kisses you and starts to slide his hands down to your hips.

“Food first, sex later.” You say.

"Okay."

.

.

.

The sex doesn't last long tonight, Gi-hun always comes too fast when he's drunk, but it's still fun. And it makes the little stresses of the day and life stop bothering you so much. It makes you feel close to him.

After it's over, he lays his head on your chest as he always likes to do and falls asleep quickly.

You stay awake a while longer just lying in the dark, feeling his weight on top of you, waiting for sleep to come.

For some reason you end up thinking about the games tonight, this doesn't happen that often. You think that if you had come back you could be a rich man now. But you also think you could be dead.

Usually these things never stay on your mind for long, you are a practical man and dealing with the facts of the present seems like a much better use of your time than focusing on hypothetical scenarios.

You think about Player 199, and as usual those thoughts tend to linger in your mind for a while. It was so strange to owe so much to a person you'd only been around for a few hours. When he saved Gi-hun’s life during the first game he saved your life too. And the money to pay off your debts was also incredibly generous and had made things a lot easier. You hope that wherever he is that he's okay, that he's happy, and that he can live with the things he probably had to do to get out of that place alive and with the money.

You think that if this is the rest of your life, having a small business with the man you love in the place where you grew up, you're satisfied.

Yes, sometimes you find yourself daydreaming about things like turning the restaurant into a franchise and getting enough money to buy your mother a house in the country where she could spend the rest of her days seeing greenery and breathing fresh air. And taking Gi-hun to a place bigger and more beautiful. But these things would just be a bonus, not the essentials to live the life you want.

Whether you are in Ssangmundong or anywhere else you know you will be fine as long as Gi-hun is there with you.

THE END.

Chapter Text

Sang-woo is pissed off.

You could see this since the beginning of the afternoon. But you couldn't see what was the reason for his irritation, in the morning he was fine and nothing particularly bad had happened in the restaurant that day.

You anticipated that as soon as the two of you were in the privacy of your own apartment he would immediately start talking about whatever was bothering him, you imagined that it was something that one of the waiters did without you noticing, or another one of his delusions about clients flirting with you.

But instead after you two go upstairs and close the door he looks at you very seriously and says:

"We need to talk."

A chill runs down your spine.

“Are you going to break up with me?”

Sang-woo looks at you like you're an idiot.

"Obviously not."

"Are you sick?"

"No."

Relief runs through your entire body. And you release the breath you hadn't even realized you'd started to hold.

“Well, you scared me for a second. I was already thinking that I had done something bad. So what do you want to talk about?”

“I received an email from the bank to confirm the purchase of additional tickets with the restaurant account, two tickets from Minnesota to Las Vegas in early October.”

“Oh that. It was supposed to be a surprise.”

"Well, I'm quite surprised." Sang-woo says, looking angry instead of surprised.

“But not happy, right?”

“Obviously yes. We can go visit some other city if you want, I think I can stretch our budget a bit. But Las Vegas is a bad idea.”

"Why? My ex said we can stay in the guest room at her house, so the money we were going to use at the hotel will be used for two more tickets without messing with your original travel budget.”

“This is not about my travel budget!”

"Then why don't you want to go?"

“I don't know Gi-hun, why don't I want to take my gambling addict boyfriend to the gambling capital of the world?”

"That's not why I want to visit this city specifically."

“So what other reason would you have for wanting to go to this city among so many? To test yourself? If that's the case, it sounds like a bad idea to me, you're doing so well in your recovery, but I don't think it's worth getting in touch with big temptations unnecessarily."

"Wait here."

You leave him in the living room and go to the bedroom. It takes about thirty seconds for you to find what you are looking for.

When you come back Sang-woo is sitting on the couch, looking at you suspiciously. This really isn't the way you had planned to do it, but you think there's no other choice now that he's seen the tickets.

You sit next to him, take a deep breath, and open the box in your hand to reveal two white gold rings.

And you look at Sang-woo waiting for him to say yes, or to kiss you. But he just looks confused.

“Do you want me to kneel?” You ask.

Only then he seems to get what it’s happening. 

“Oh…alright…this is not what I was expecting. Gi-hun, we can use the rings if you want, but it's not legal here.”

“Not here, but in The US it is. So I was thinking that we can have a Las Vegas wedding while we're there, like people do in the movies.”

"We're not US citizens, it's probably not allowed-"

"Yes it is! I looked it up online and it's possible, we just need to take our original documents and pay the license there. My English isn't that good, but Ga-yeong helped me with the government website and I have the list of all the documentation necessary and she said she'll help me fill in the online forms when we're there."

“Okay, if that’s case yes.”

"Yes what?"

"Yes, I will marry you."

You kiss him.

And then breathe a sigh of relief.

"I was so afraid you were going to say no."

“That's pretty stupid…but you know that even if we are legally married that  won't give us civil rights here. For example I won't be able to declare you on my taxes and vice versa."

"Believe it or not Sang-woo, I didn't ask you to marry me for those sweet tax benefits."

He laughs.

“Yes I suppose not…My mom will probably be annoyed that she won’t be able to go to my wedding."

“She won't be. I already asked your mother before buying the rings and she said she thinks it's a good idea, she just asked us to take pictures, also to choose my suit, apparently my brown suit is not good enough in her opinion so she's taking me shopping for a better one next week. She also forbade me to wear a cap during the ceremony. I think you are prohibited from using one too.”

"I wasn't really planning on wearing a cap to my wedding, but thanks for the heads-up."

"You're welcome. So…may I put the ring on your finger?”

"Yes you may."

You take his right hand and put on the ring. And he does the same with yours.

“Too bad you saw the tickets, my other proposal would have been much nicer.”

“What were you planning?”

“Well I was going to take you to this amusement park and when we were at the top of the Ferris wheel I was gonna ask you to marry me.”

Sang-woo blinks for a few seconds with an expression of disbelief on his face, then very slowly he said:

“Let me see if I got this right: You were going to recycle the marriage proposal you made to your ex?”

"It sounds bad when you say it like that."

“Because it would be bad.”

“I just thought if it worked the other time maybe it would work this time too. Would you have said no to my proposal?”

“I would have said yes. But it still would have been a bad proposal.”

“Everyone in my support group liked it when I told them my idea. The only people who thought it was bad were you, and Ga-yeong.”

"Probably because she knows you asked her mom in the exact same way."

“Now that you mention it, yes maybe that was the reason. Well maybe you seeing the tickets turned out to be a blessing in disguise.”

“So what did Ga-yeong think of the idea of you getting married again?”

"She liked it, I actually got the idea when she and I were having one of our movie nights."

This was something you and her had been doing a lot since she had moved, you two pick a random movie and watch it at the same time with the webcams on and chat a little while seeing the same things.

“What was the movie that made you have this idea?”

"The Hungover."

“That is a really inappropriate movie for your daughter to see at her age.”

“I know, I only realized it halfway through, and it felt cruel not to let her finish. But she seemed to like it, don't tell Eun-ji please.”

"I wouldn't tell on you to your ex."

“I know, but it's good to confirm. Next time I'll check the rating before choosing the movie, I promise. Anyway, that night she started talking about how there really are couples who get married there quickly and without much bureaucracy, and I asked if it was like that too when the marriage was between men and she asked me if I was planning to marry you, and by the end of the night she had already helped me see everything I needed.”

"That's very sweet of her, she's a good girl."

"I know, I raised her."

"I think maybe we can increase our travel budget a little bit to take her there with us, that way at least you'll have some family at your wedding."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

“I would love that.”

You hug him and kiss him. And you have no doubt that this time it will work, that you will be able to continue kissing him for the rest of your life.

"So what do you think of the idea of taking your fiancé to bed for the first time?"

Sang-woo smiles.

“I think I would really like that.”

Chapter Text

You wake up feeling light kisses being placed all over your face.

Gi-hun has been waking you up like this quite often since you guys started living together again at the end of January, it's not always romantic, more than once you woke up startled not knowing what was going on, but today is one of the days when you know it's him and you're being woken up this way because you're loved by him.

You open his eyes and see his face smiling above you.

"Happy Valentine's Day!" Gi-hun says.

"Happy Valentine's Day." You say.

Gi-hun hands you the chocolates he made and you hand him the ones you bought. You're not completely incompetent in the kitchen, but chocolate is something you've never learned how to make it properly, so buying a box felt better than giving him bad chocolate.

In some ways this is your first year celebrating Valentine's Day, your ex didn't really care about that stuff, and it didn't bother you, frankly the ocasion always felt kind of silly to you.

And it probably still would if you were with anyone besides Gi-hun. With him you want to do all the stupid couple things.

.

.

.

You and Gi-hun arrange to meet at six, when your work is done. Your mother hired you to stay at the store for a few days a week in her place, frankly you are almost sure that she offered you the job out of pity because it made her sad to see you doing nothing all day, that at least you are doing something even if it wasn’t what you studied to do, at another time you would have said no to an offer like that but with your situation being what it is now you said yes.

And you think maybe it's good for her to have some free shifts too, for a woman her age it must be pretty tiring to open the store in the morning and only close it late at night six days a week.

Even when your father was alive her routine was like this. At the time, they could theoretically rotate shifts instead of both being in the store most of the day. Once when you were thirteen you asked your father why they didn't do that instead of being together all the time, that their schedule didn't seem like the most efficient use of their time. 

In response he said that they tried this early on and also for practical reasons when you were a baby, but that during these days the hours took too long to pass and the days were generally much more boring. In response you said you didn't understand how he didn't get tired of spending so much time together with the same person. And he said it's easy not to get tired when the other person is your best friend. After hearing that you rolled your eyes and he laughed.

You think you understand his point of view a little better these days. You miss Gi-hun a lot during the day and you've been thinking of ways to fix this. You haven't informed Gi-hun of this fact yet because you don't want to give him hope for something that might not turn out to be a possibility, but for the last few months you've been thinking about starting a business with him. Most of the money you received from Player 199 will be used to pay your clients, but theoretically after all debts are paid there will be enough to start something new, and one of the options that attracts you the most is a restaurant or a bakery, Gi-hun says he likes to work as a driver but you can tell his passion really is cooking and you would like to give him the chance to spend his days doing something he loves, and preferably by your side.

As agreed he shows up at six o'clock sharp and hangs around until six ten when your mother shows up.

“I have to pick up some stuff at the supermarket, do you want to go with me or do you want to go home ahead of me?” Gi-hun asks.

"I'll go with you."

When you arrive at the supermarket, Gi-hun suggests you go get the fruits and biscuits while he gets the meat to save time. You do and after go find him but end up not seeing him in the part of the supermarket where he said he would be. You look for him for a few minutes and find him in the hair products section, looking at the products on the shelf with a strange expression of concentration on his face, which confuses you a little because you bought shampoo and soap not too long ago.

You walk up to him with the intention of reminding him of that fact, but as you approach him you notice he's not looking at the shampoos.

“Why are you looking at hair dyes?” You ask.

“Just considering my options, I've had some gray hairs lately. Maybe I should paint my hair”

"So what? You are 47 years old, it is perfectly normal to have some gray hairs. I have some too.”

“I know, but on you they look good, distinguished, I on the other hand just look old…sometimes I think I gave up on having red hair too quickly, maybe I should dye it like that again, maybe it would look cool this time.”

You have a flashback of the time so many years ago when Gi-hun opened the door to his house and you saw what he had done to himself.

"No, you won't."

Gi-hun looks at you for a moment like he's analyzing you. Then he holds your shoulders gently and says:

“Sang-woo you are the great love of my life, my reason for waking up in the morning and the person I want to spend the rest of my days with, but my hair is my hair and I do what I want with it, and if you don't like it that's your problem. Okay?"

“I know, but your hair is so pretty the way it is. Don't change the color please?”

He sighs. 

“Fine, I'm not going to dye my hair this time. Consider this an extra Valentine's Day gift to you.”

"Thanks."

.

.

.

After you get home you take a shower while Gi-hun finishes preparing dinner, after leaving you set the table and he serves the food.

“Lasagna with lots of cheese just the way you like it.”

The food smells great and you are about to eat it when you notice a rather melancholic expression on his face.

"Something wrong?"

"No. Just thinking, I would have liked to take you to a nice restaurant and get you something better than homemade chocolates. You deserve more than that. Than this.”

You place your hand on top of his and says:

“I loved your chocolates, I love having dinner with you at our home, for most of my life I believed I would never have this. I wouldn't change anything about today, okay?”

Gi-hun smiles.

"Okay."

"And you've already given me the best Valentine's Day gift ever."

"You're talking about me not dyeing my hair red right?"

You laugh.

"Yes I am."