Archive of Our Own ^beta

Eight months after her baby brother died, Maddie found out she was pregnant. 

Despite their recent loss, she and Chimney were over the moon with excitement over their baby. They'd made a person. And then, after the elation died down, Maddie pulled out her phone to call Buck, because she knew how excited he would be to be an uncle.

And then it hit her once again that he was gone. 

Evan would have been excited to be an uncle, but he couldn't be, not anymore. 

And just like that, her heart dropped into her stomach, and she felt nothing but dread. Looking to Chimney, she could feel tears burning at the corners of her eyes, and her knees failed her.

Before she hit the ground, Chimney was there to hold her up, burying his face in her hair. "I know," he whispered, "I know."

He didn't have to ask what she was thinking, it had been on his mind too.

Chimney told the 118 when he went to work the next morning. All but one of them was there to congratulate him, and he really was happy. Of course he was happy to have a baby with Maddie. Building a life with her was all he could ever ask for. 

But. . .

He knew if things were different, he and Hen would've already been making 'Uncle Buck' jokes with the youngest firefighter. 

If things were different, their baby would have two uncles, not one. 

Chimney could spend hours days lamenting over the 'what if's, he had done so. But it wouldn't change anything. That was a fact he learned a long time ago. 

So Chim was happy, and the team was happy, but sitting at the table in the loft, his eyes never strayed far from one of the two empty seats at the table. Hen, following his line of sight, squeezed his shoulder assuredly.  

"He's happy too, Chim," she murmured, a bittersweet smile on her face.

While it was hard to imagine Buck as anything but dead and gone, the thought made his lips tug upward. "We'll tell them about him," he said to his best friend. "They'll know their Uncle Buck, even if he's not here."

And with a quirk of her lips, Hen shook her head. "He is here."

The bell rang not a second later, and the conversation was forgotten as the firefighters rushed for the truck. 

(Hen was right, though.)

While Chimney told his teammates, Maddie told hers. Josh, Sue, even Linda were beyond happy for her, not wasting any time before they were betting on the gender. 

And she tried to be happy and keep up a smile, she really did. 

Sue was the first to notice the cracks in her mask, not saying a word, and simply pulling the younger woman into a tight embrace. (She'd be lying if she said she didn't tear up at the touch.)

Josh was next, squeezing her hand reassuringly and whispering, "We're here for you, okay?" 

He didn't say something like "It'll all be okay," because he didn't know that it would. He didn't lie, and for that, Maddie was grateful.

And yet, the whole day, she couldn't un-tense. She couldn't feel even vaguely comfortable in her skin. 

Maddie just kept thinking 'What if?' 

When the day finally ended, and she was supposed to head home, she found herself driving the other way instead. Before long, Maddie was parking in front of the Diaz household, sitting in her car as she stared at the door. 

Eight months ago, Maddie lost her brother, but Eddie, he lost something else. Eddie lost his best friend, and someone who was so much more than that.

Anybody that saw Buck and Eddie together and didn't see that there was something there was oblivious. But seeing Buck with Eddie and Christopher? Anyone not seeing that they belonged together was straight up idiotic. 

The Diazes were Evan's home. 

They were his family, and he was theirs, and his loss destroyed them. 

Two weeks ago, Eddie took a leave of absence from the 118. Nobody knew much about it, nobody but Bobby, who told the others that Eddie would be back when he was ready, and that his spot would always be there for him. 

Maybe if it was Before, Chimney would've complained about not knowing what was going on. But it wasn't Before, so when her boyfriend told her quietly one day that Eddie wasn't going to be around for a while, she knew why. They all did.

She couldn't quite explain what led her to his house, and she wasn't quite sure what she was doing there, but now that she was sitting outside, Maddie couldn't turn around and go home. 

Instead, after mulling it over in her head for a few minutes, the brunette climbed out of her car and started up the walkway. Before she could talk herself down, she brought her hand up to knock. 

It wasn't a minute later before the door swung open, and she was greeted by Eddie's tired eyes. "Maddie?" The exhaustion clear on his face briefly turned to confusion as he stood up straighter. 

"Eddie," she breathed, eyes flickering past his shoulder. "Is Christopher here?"

"No," His brows furrowed, a strangely guilty look on his face. "He's staying at Pepa's- my aunt's- tonight."

Nodding slowly, Maddie bit down on the inside of her cheek. "Could I come in?"

He hesitated for a moment, before nodding and opening the door wider for her and letting her enter. Her gaze flicked around the living area as she stepped inside, and she only looked back at Eddie once the door clicked closed. "Is everything alright?" He asked her, leading her toward the couch. 

She sat down gratefully, giving him an assuring smile. "As alright as it can be," Maddie answered, watching as he sat down beside her, angling her body toward him. "What about- What about you?"

She couldn't help but notice how tense he was, how much distance he'd put between them. "Fine," Eddie was quick to say. Too quick. 

Still, she didn't push. "I, um- We have news, Chimney and I," Maddie admitted finally, searching his face. For what, she didn't know. 

Instantly, his eyes snapped to her left hand, as if expecting a ring, and when he didn't find one, he looked to her stomach instead. She should've expected how quickly he'd guess. "I'm pregnant," she told him, despite the fact that they both knew he'd figured it out. 

A smile flickered on his lips, and he was genuine as he said, "I'm happy for you guys." But then his features pulled downward, conflicted. "Why- Why come tell me though? Why you?"

Eddie seemed to realize the second the words left his lips how rude it could've seemed, but before he could say anything else she was speaking. "I wanted to make sure you knew. Chimney told the others today, and I know you haven't been at work for a bit." Swallowing, Maddie licked her lips and dropped her gaze to her hands. When she looked back up, Eddie still looked confused. 

"I want them to know their Uncle Eddie," Maddie said finally, and it was those words that cleared the bemused expression on his face and replaced it with one of heartbreak.

"Me? I don't- I- Why?"

Maddie's heart broke all over again with him, and she reached out to grab his hand and squeeze it. 

"Because you're family, Eddie. You were Evan's, and you're Chimney's, and you're mine."

Something in Eddie shattered, and tears shone in his glassy eyes. Pursing his lips, the firefighter dropped his gaze to their hands. "How don't you hate me?" He whispered, his voice shaking. 

And finally, the confusion she'd seen in him clicked in her head. "Eddie, do you think I blame you?" Maddie asked, incredulous.

He didn't look up, nor meet her eyes.

"Eddie," she whispered, sadness swirling in her eyes as he finally met them again. "I do not and have never blamed you for my brother's death. Never."

"Why?" Eddie exploded before she'd even finished speaking, tearing his hand from hers and shooting to his feet. "Why don't you blame me? You should! You should blame me, I got him killed. I made him so miserable he wanted to fucking die. Maddie, I made him kill himself!"

Tears stung her eyes as she looked up to him, so genuinely stricken by his words. "Eddie, have you- Have you thought that this whole time? That it's your fault?"

"It is," he insisted, chin trembling. 

"Oh, Eddie. You didn't do this, it's not your-"

"You can't say it's not my fault! I made him want to-"

It was Maddie's turn to interrupt, standing up with a firm look on her face. "Would you have done it on purpose?"

"What?" Eddie gaped, his eyes widening. He took a half step backwards as he shook his head. "Of course not-"

"If you had known how he was feeling, would you have helped him?"

"Of course I would've!" Eddie cried. He looked to be shaking as his mouth opened and closed like a fish. "I was on my way to apologize. I was sitting outside his apartment- I saw how he was that last day, I saw him and he wasn't okay and it was my fault-"

Breaking off into a sob, Eddie sunk back down to the couch, and Maddie lurched forward to wrap her arms around him, feeling her own tears leaving trails down her face. "Its wasn't your fault," she whispered, voice shaky, "Eddie, it wasn't your fault."

"If I'd just went in earlier- If I'd done better-"

"Eddie, stop. Eddie," Maddie cried, squeezing her eyes shut as she hugged him. "He wasn't okay, and you saw that, you tried to help, you wanted to help. That's what matters, okay? That's what matters."

"What matters is that he's dead," he said finally, voice carefully flat. She pulled back at that, grabbing ahold of his hands again. 

"But he's still here. He will always be here for you, and for Christopher and for all of us. Would you expect anything less from him?"

And finally, she'd gotten through to him. Finally, he broke apart one more time, and started putting the pieces of himself back together. 

(A month later, he went back to work. Seven months later, Jee-Yun Buckley Han was born, and she knew her uncles, all of them.)