Chapter Text
Poe’s leg was bleeding. When Rey had cast him aside, he’d been flung into some sharp hunk of metal. It wasn’t bad, but as Ben carried him and BB onto the newly rediscovered Falcon, he grew steadily more panicked. He set Poe down on the bed and tried to attend to his leg-
“I’m fine, buddy,” Poe assured him. “It’s not bad, and I can clean and wrap it and all that. Just get us out of here.”
“Right,” Ben said, then kissed the top of Poe’s head on his way out. They’d been like brothers since Ben came back from training.
Or, well. After the initial angry jealousy Ben had felt when he saw his mother treating Poe like the son she’d never had.
Ben had just fixed a lot of shitty ‘repairs’ and ‘upgrades’, and made sure they weren’t being followed, when Poe limped into the cockpit, babying his injured leg. “You shouldn’t walk,” Ben grumbled.
“I’ll be fine,” Poe said. “It’s not that deep. Hit some smaller veins, not a big one, which was why it was bleeding. I’m only babying it to make you feel better.” Poe sat down in the co-pilot seat as Ben started off for their base. “Did you kill her?”
“No,” Ben said.
“She just- gave you the droid?”
“She wanted to make a deal. She’d get rid of Snoke if I get rid of Skywalker.”
Poe blinked, staring out at the stars as they launched into hyperspace. “Usually, I’d cross that soundly off the list of possibilities.”
Ben scowled immediately. “Usually?”
“Snoke sucks, Ben. Ren’s… Different. Not great, but if we can make the galaxy a little better before we get rid of the First Order for good, I certainly wouldn’t not try. That was her name, right? ‘Lady Ren’?”
“Yeah,” Ben said. He’d heard of her. Formidable.
Skywalker had said she was no threat to them, but she’d done some terrifying things- things no person should be able to do. They couldn’t risk going after her without good reason, no matter how much money people offered to pay for her downfall. They’d gotten into some trouble just telling people ‘no’.
And Ben had defeated her. Sure, he’d been giving into the Dark side, but it still meant progress, didn’t it? So much for ‘lacks battle experience’ now.
He tried not to let the bile rise in his throat at the memory of the girl, scorched twice by his saber. Once while she was entirely unarmed.
“Now that the ship’s in hyperdrive,” Poe said. “Do you think you could wake BB up?”
“I don’t know how,” Ben said, but pushed to his feet. “I can try, but I’m not going to push it. I don’t think the girl did anything to her.”
“‘The girl’. She’s the Supreme Leader’s mad dog, isn’t she?”
“Yeah. The girl is a mad dog.” With that, Ben walked off towards BB, sitting to try and wake her up.
Whatever the girl did, Ben couldn’t undo it- but it wasn’t permanent. Three, four hours? Maybe five? Two if they were lucky? Ben sighed after trying for a long time-
And then, they fell suddenly out of hyperspace. Ben cursed and hurried to the cockpit.
“Ship above us,” Poe said, voice quiet and on edge. “Big boy. Didn’t look like the First Order, though.”
“Good.”
Poe quirked one brow. “With your girlfriend looking out for us-”
“Do not call her-”
“Pirates would be worse for us right now, Ben. Especially ones who need a ship that big, that fancy.”
He wasn’t wrong. They made their way towards BB, hiding her, and Ben drew his lightsaber as Poe readied his blaster. “We’ve, ah, made it through some pretty bad situations together,” Ben offered.
“Yeah, buddy. You and me could do anything. You’re the Chewie to my Han.”
Ben scowled. “Why do you get to be-?”
“Handsome. Lady’s man. You’re big and scruffy and bad with words. I’m Han, you’re Chewie.”
All that talk about his Dad and uncle were getting Ben down, apparently, because he could almost feel them. He hadn’t seen them in nineteen years.
Ben blinked when he saw a wookiee, and then-
“Chewie?”
The wookiee looked over and roared, hurrying over. Han- a much older, greyer Han- appeared, looking bewildered. Chewie hugged Ben tightly, so tight that it hurt, and Ben deactivated his lightsaber right before it could do more than singe his fur.
“Speak of the devils,” Poe said.
Ben sagged into Chewie. It had been a long fucking time. “Hey, you big oaf.”
Chewie roared. I could say the same of you, squirt.
Chewie eventually let Ben down.
“Hey there, sir,” Poe said to Han.
Han eyed Poe wearily for a moment before looking over at Ben, studying his face. “Hi, Dad,” Ben said.
Han, still struck with the only thing that made it past his impassive barrier- disbelief- took in the sight of his son for several more moments before glancing around at the Falcon. “Hey, kid. You haven’t had this long.”
“No,” Ben said, shifting. “Ah, I was… The Resistance we were-... On Jakku. Saw it. Couldn’t let it keep rotting there.”
Han nodded slowly. “Alright. Good.”
Chewie roared. Let the kid have it, Han. It’s his birthright. We don’t need it anymore.
Han continued looking around.
“Yeah, we- sort of have to rush back to the Resistance,” Poe said.
Han looked over at Poe again. “Okay.”
“You should come,” Ben said.
Han gave him a look, then shook his head. “C’mon, Chewie. We’ve got to deliver these rathtars. We’re too deep in the hole already…”
Chewie roared a protest, but Han held up a hand. “You remember what happened the last time I delayed payment for the rebels, Chewie.”
Chewie whined in reluctant acquiescence.
“ Bye , Dad. Nice to fucking see you,” Ben snapped.
Han looked over at Ben, surprised. “Nice to see you,” he said, as if it should be obvious, as if he shouldn’t have to say it.
Ben shook his head. “Have a nice life, I guess. See you in twenty more years- briefly, I’m sure.”
Han sighed, then cursed. “What do you want, Ben?”
Ben gave the ghost of a laugh, but it was moreso a scoff, and held no mirth. “Just go, if you’re going to, Dad.”
Han threw his arms up, muttered something about got it from his ma , and stalked off. Chewie argued, but followed.
And Poe and Ben were released from Han’s ship shortly thereafter.
“What happened the last time he delayed payment for the rebels, Chewie?”
Ben gritted his teeth. “He got a son he didn’t want.”
Ben set them on course again. Han had left a note, apparently, on the console.
Ship’s dirty. Get to Maz.
“Oh,” Ben grumbled. “Right. Right.”
“What?” Poe asked, coming up with BB in his arms.
Ben handed him the note without a word.
“... Still want to be Han, buddy?”
“Fuck you.”
“Wow,” Poe said softly, and Ben scowled at the window. Ben redirected them to Takodana. “You got me, always. And Leia.”
“Yeah,” Ben said softly.
“And Chewie didn’t want to go.”
“Right.”
“And you’ve got Rose, Paige, and Kay. They like you.”
“Yeah.”
“And a hot new girlfriend that likes it when you beat her up.”
Ben glared, and Poe grinned. “Can’t stand you,” Ben grumbled, looking back out at the stars.
“Good thing we’re sitting, then.”
And Ben spent his trip to Takodana wondering if this was how brothers were. If this was how fathers were a lot. If he could, by some miracle, be a normal kid with a normal family. With how shitty he felt… He hoped it wasn’t normal. He hoped it was better for others. Others deserved better.
Maybe Ben didn’t. And that was the thought that really stuck with him.
It wasn’t terribly long after that Ben was sitting in front of Maz. He’d left Poe to look after the Falcon and make repairs, and watch BB.
“Ben Solo,” she said.
“Maz Kanata,” Ben said.
She was studying him, face bright with warmth, but her eyes held a bit of sad fear next to their usual adoration. Ben looked to the side, jaw tightening.
“What can I do for you, kid?”
“Found the Falcon. It’s dirty. Need it clean to get back to the Resistance- urgently.”
“Found the Falcon, eh? Where?” Still, as Maz sat to chat, she motioned to her people, getting trustworthy folk to go and take care of it quickly.
“Jakku.”
“Strange,” Maz said. “What was it doing there?”
“Someone won it from someone who bought it from someone who stole it from Han. Give or take a few buyings or stealings.”
“Someone came through asking about you. She might still be here.”
Ben looked over at Maz suddenly, then frowned. “The girl?”
Maz looked deeply amused. “I’ve got a feeling we’re talking about the same girl. Being seen to as we speak.”
“You’re friends with her? The First Order’s mad dog?”
Maz looked ever more amused. “She’s a sweet girl, Ben. Yes, I am.”
Ben scoffed and looked away.
“She said a Jedi’s the one who got her.”
“Yeah.”
“You’re the only Jedi I know of.”
Ben scowled. “Luke’s out there.”
“Somewhere. She’d have her prize already if she’d seen him.”
“If she can’t beat me, she can’t beat Luke.”
“Are you sure about that?”
Ben’s scowl deepened.
“You’re not fond of talking about her.”
“She asked me to kill Luke for her. Offered to-” Ben glanced around. “Make an exchange. She just- gave me the droid. I’m sure you know by now what that droid means.”
“I’m sure that you don’t,” Maz said.
Ben looked over at her, brow furrowed, a deep frown on his face. Maz just leaned back, amused. “What does it mean?”
Maz studied her nails. She made him wait an awfully long time. “She took the map out of the droid, Ben. I’m sure she wouldn’t allow you to get it until you agree to her… Exchange. Whatever it might be.”
Ben was on his feet in a moment, and Maz gave him a look. “Where is she?”
“Sit down, Ben Solo.” Maz said, her voice holding an air of finality. Her face had gone cold, stern.
Ben gritted his teeth. He knew better than to ignore Maz. He wasn’t seven anymore; she wouldn’t be so amused by those sorts of antics. He forced himself to sit, and the people who had started paying attention to them stopped at once. Maz settled into her seat again.
“Darkness rolls off of you in waves, Ben Solo. There’s no more of it in you than there has ever been; you expel it when it grows. And you’re expelling it now, from the first mention of Lady Ren. Why do you hate her?”
Ben frowned, jaw tight. “I don’t hate her. I don’t trust her, I don’t like her, and I don’t like her ways.”
“Her ‘ways’, Ben?”
Ben rolled his eyes. “I’m sure you’ve met her. She gets under people’s skin. Revels in it.”
Maz only laughed. “I’ve never seen her get under anyone’s skin… With words. Only with her staffsaber when they deserve it. Who do you have with you? Is that Poe Dameron I sense?”
Ben gave one nod.
“What does Poe think of her?”
Ben gritted his teeth again. “Dunno. Guess he’s considering her… Exchange. It’s up to Mom, I guess. She is the General.”
“Yes, she is. It is.”
“Poe called the girl ‘different’.”
“Did he?”
“Yes.”
Maz nodded, glancing around. “I’ll take you to her. If you attack her, you’re out of here and on your own about the Falcon, Ben Solo.”
Ben gritted his teeth. “Then I don’t need to see her.”
Maz pushed to her feet. “Follow me.”
There was the air of finality again. Ben snarled under his breath, following her. When Maz led him into a room, the girl was alone, popping candies into her mouth. She looked up, entirely disinterested. “Hello, Dark Jedi.”
“Stop calling me that,” Ben snapped. Ren only quirked a brow.
“You’re gushing with Darkness, Ben. Stop being Dark and I’ll stop calling you Dark. Oh- wait. You can’t, can you? You’d rather ignore it’s true at all?”
Ben walked forward to jut his finger out at her, and Maz slinked away. He could feel her remain nearby, but gave them privacy… The door closed the two into the room. “You know nothing about me.”
“Maz told me some, for the record,” Ren said, lounging on her bed.
“Maz told me about you, too,” Ben snarled.
Ren’s hazel eyes lit up. “Did she? All bad, I hope.”
“You lied to me.”
“About what, pray tell?”
“You stole the map.”
“Did I tell you that I didn’t?”
Ben scowled. “Don’t act like misleading isn’t lying.”
“I’ve never been a good actress, Ben. I truly believe that.”
Ben looked to the side, trying to calm down. Ren watched in amusement, smiling the whole time. Ben forced himself to sit at a nearby table. “You’re no better than Snoke.”
Ren raised one perfect eyebrow. “I am many things,” she said in a low, lethal tone. “And one of them is a helluva lot better than Snoke. If I wasn’t, you’d be dead.”
“I beat you,” Ben snarled, giving a glance to the stitched up gash on her.
Ren leaned forward, then gave a cold, Dark smile, hazel eyes flashing gold for a moment. “In a fair fight, when you were riddled with unhoned Darkness. Do you think Snoke would fight fair, Ben? Or do you think he’d have slain you while you had your back turned in bed, before you even knew I was there?”
Ben stared into her eyes. “Are you even strong enough to kill Snoke?”
“Alone? No. I have the Knights of Ren. We’d help you with Skywalker if you helped us with Snoke.”
Ben looked away. “How am I meant to kill Skywalker if you have the map?”
“I’d give it to you, Ben, if you agreed. And if you lied, me and my Knights would make you pay- but not before we wiped Poe Dameron, Leia Organa, and Han Solo out, too. Right in front of you. As punishment for being a filthy fucking liar.”
Ben snarled, getting to his feet. He walked closer and dragged her upwards, holding her face inches from his. She let him, just shifting to support her weight as he guided her. Her face was solemn and almost tired. “If you think you could hurt any of them in front of me, you’re wrong. I don’t care if you’ve got the entire fucking First Order backing you.”
Rey got to her feet, then, and yanked Ben back down to her level. “If you think you’ve seen the meanest, Darkest that I’ve got, Ben Solo, you’re wrong. I’d kill them- I’d make damned sure of it. But only if you lie . Do you think Snoke would spare anyone for honesty? Do you truly think I’m more monstrous than he?”
“Monstrous is monstrous,” Ben spat, pulling back.
Ren looked almost disappointed by that. “You Jedi and your folly. So, more people will suffer so that you can keep your honor, Ben Solo? You’ll leave the galaxy in worse condition to maintain your pride? I can march this map straight to Snoke myself. I can go back to my original plan before I met you. I can slay Skywalker without you.”
The Force, much against Ben’s will, whispered that it was true. Whispered that she’d do it if he didn’t agree soon. Whispered that she was risking a lot by getting rid of Snoke so soon. To appease and ally with Ben.
“Why don’t you?” Ben asked.
“Because,” she hissed through clenched teeth. “I am not-... I am not content to leave the galaxy in strife, least of all needless strife. Punish the deserving. Help the deserving. Dark… And Light. As all things are, as all things should behave as.” Ren adjusted her clothing, then cracked her neck. Ben sat down again. “You met Ren, you mentioned? My predecessor- well. One of them.”
“Yes,” Ben said in a low voice.
“Did he give you the spiel about his lightsaber?”
“Yes.”
Rey nodded slowly. “ ‘The Ren doesn't stop to worry about what it's burning or the right or wrong of it, or the goals it might achieve. The Ren just is. It lives, and it consumes, and it doesn't apologize. It is its nature and nothing else.’ Ren- the man- followed that until his death. He thought it was only for the Dark- and he died for his folly. The entire Force is like that. Life is like that. Loth cats grow up and they kill and eat their prey. They care for their young. They don’t see the right or the wrong of it- they simply do. They simply act. If they push the limits of another, stronger thing, they die for it. They don’t have hierarchies and bullshit fences lifting the few above the many. They simply are. They live, they consume, and they don’t apologize. It is their nature- our nature, everyone’s and everything’s- and nothing else.”
“And you’re content to kill your prey and care for your young and slaughter anything that wrongs you?” Ben said. “I’m meant to believe that that is the doctrine the galaxy ought to follow?”
Ren rolled her hazel eyes. “No, Ben. That was loth cats I was discussing. We are people- well. I am. I’m not so sure about you. I think you’re a walking manifestation of the rigidity and blindness of the Jedi’s past. Anyway,” Ren pushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “Live as you will. Do what you will. Don’t hurt people, and if you do, you’ll get what’s coming to you. That’s the simple version. Just like Takodana castle… Hopefully, a bit less tense. Maz likes it this way, though. So good on her.”
“How do you justify killing Skywalker, then?” Ben demanded.
Ren looked over at him, steely once more. “I’m interested in giving him what’s coming to him. You don’t know a thing about me- and it’s clear you haven’t spoken to Skywalker in some time.”
Ben sat with that, jaw clenched so much it ached. He had no love for Luke, not anymore.
But to kill him? For what ?
“Ben,” Ren said after a moment. “If you’d like… We can switch. You fight Snoke with the Knights backing you, and then I’ll take Skywalker, with or without you. I sense no grief at the thought from you, just… Sad reluctance.”
Ben looked to the side. “It’s not up to me. I have to talk to my- General. Organa.”
“Your mother,” Ren said.
Ben scowled. “Yes.”
Ren walked closer and Ben stiffened. She ran a hand through his hair and he breathed in, looking up at her-
It struck him again how attractive she was. It hadn’t since he’d been trying to get her to open up to him, when he thought she was a Jakku local stowing him and BB away. Her face was softer than he’d seen in since the light had gone out then. Since she’d been eyeing him with curiosity.
Big, round, hazel eyes. High cheekbones. Plump lips. Heart shaped face. Her hair was in three little quirky buns. She smelled like flowers and herbs, like leaves with fresh dew on them. She put a delicate little hand, still wrapped in black leather, on his shoulder.
“There’s the Light, you sweet man,” Rey breathed-
And Ben’s heart seized. It had been a long time since anyone but Poe had deigned to notice.
You’re pathetic , whispered something in his brain. But he couldn’t seem to care, all of a sudden. She ran a hand through his hair again. “You’re like me,” she said. “Like I was.”
His brow knitted, and he felt torn. At once, he wanted to be nothing like her, and exactly like her.
And that terrified him.
He pulled away, getting to his feet and stepping to the side. He looked down at her, and she looked up at him, brows raised slightly, a tired amusement in her eyes, a small smile on her lips. “Tell me your name,” he said. “Or I won’t tell anyone about your ‘proposal’.”
Her face fell, and her eyes glimmered golden again. She took a step forward, and her eyes stayed golden- he could feel icy, Dark waves rolling over him, threatening him to batter him into Darkness, too. She seemed to catch herself as she stopped mere centimeters away from him, eyes still eerie ambers burning fiercely. The Darkness continued to waft off of her, but it… Almost softened. More like waves on a shore, languid and lazy, than violent ones crashing into jagged rocks. Either he was losing his mind, or she smelled like sea salt and the ocean, now, too, the floral hints still poking through. “You breathe it to another soul,” she said. “And I will make you pay. You and whoever hears it. Am I understood? I will know. I will know immediately.”
“Fine,” he said.
She glared at him for several long moments, looking… Betrayed. Wounded. “Rey.”
Rey . The simple syllable clicked in his mind, like it just made sense, like he understood it on some deep level, like he was remembering it rather than learning it. He felt out with the Force to make sure there were no long lost memories of her- and there weren’t.
She took a small step backwards then, eyes settling back to their beautiful hazel. “Don’t be afraid. I feel it, too.”
Ben looked away. “I thought you people thrive on fear? Is that not what you want me to do?”
Rey pulled further away, the bright, hopeful curiosity squelched at once, and his heart thundered at the loss. He tried to pretend the defensive scowl that replaced it wasn’t just as enthralling, because it shouldn’t have been. “ You people? And what, precisely, do you mean?”
“Dark Side users.”
“I am not just Dark, naughty Jedi. I am a Force user. Nothing more, nothing less.” Rey turned towards her belongings- a satchel with things falling out of it. She messed with the spilled contents for a moment. “There are much less uncomfortable ways of channeling the Dark side, when necessary. I’ve never been fond of fear- I use it when I can’t overcome it, but to answer your question… No. I don’t want you to be afraid.”
“What do you use to channel the Light?”
Rey paused, a small smile coming back to her face. “Hope is my favorite. Bright, blissful, burning hope.”
His heart seized again, urging him closer to the strange, frightening, Grey woman. She looked over at him, but her face was muted again, as if he’d struck a nerve too many times to be allowed so close to her with that beautiful, open smile on her face. It felt like someone wrapped his heart in barbed wire.
You’re the most pathetic man in the galaxy.
“How long will you be here?” he asked.
“Until you get back to me about what your General has to say. Can’t head back to the First Order with the map and expect them not to find it… I might be able to get away with hiding it, but I’ve never liked leaving such important things to chance.” Rey’s eyes flicked around the room. “I do have some allies. It might not be the worst thing.”
“Allies in the First Order?” Ben grumbled, distrustful once more.
“If you think the man who treats the galaxy as Snoke does, doesn’t also shit on his allied inferiors, you’re quite a bit more foolish than I took you for.”
Ben looked down at that, sobering as he came to terms with it.
Of course they were people in the First Order who didn’t like the First Order, or at least Snoke. Ben caught Rey soften once more, then placed a hand on his bicep. Through the thin fabric of his muslin shirt, he could feel each of her tiny little fingers tighten softly.
And suddenly, he hated her gloves. With a violent, screaming passion buried deep in his stomach.
She looked ill, quickly pulling her hand away. Insecurity found her eyes and they turned away-
“No,” Ben said quickly. She looked up at him, more guarded than he’d ever seen her. His face burned red, though, and he could not find words to say. He just wanted her kriffing hand back- without the gloves. Hell, without the muslin, too. She picked something up, then handed it wordlessly to him.
“Turn it three times in bare hands to call to me. I’ll know exactly where you are if you do. Me and my Knights will be there faster than should be possible. Don’t overuse it- it’s quite draining to accomplish. Life or death situations only.”
He took it, looking down at it- a small, cool metal thing with seven sides, each encrusted with a different, shimmering gem. He tucked it into his pocket, careful not to turn it.
He’d have to get a glove of his own, then. Just to move it around. “Rey,” he said.
She bristled, but her guard fell- bitterness, sadness, pain, anger overcame her. Her eyes flashed golden, but she still felt so soft and fragile, standing right before him.
“Thank you.”
She got a wry smile. “Leave me be, naughty Jedi. Your presence is draining, and I’m sick of craning my neck up to look at you.”
He touched her forearm, about the only uncovered place save for her face. She frowned at the contact, brow furrowing, and confusion rolled off of her- sad and bitter. She felt like broken, battered hope. He rubbed his thumb in as his heart thrashed about. “No matter the answer… I’ll be back. To tell you.”
“I appreciate that,” Rey breathed. “I’ll have to summon my Knights to make sure you don’t try to kill me again.”
“I wasn’t trying to kill you.”
“Right, Ben. Go away.”
“I wasn’t -” he began, but she turned steely eyes on him- half golden, half hazel. He clenched his jaw, then headed towards the door. “Goodbye, Rey.”
“Goodbye, Dark Jedi.”