Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

All for One, the Eternal Hunger, exploded into existence in a mass of shadowy tentacles and glowing eyes. He immediately suppressed his true form, causing it to become blurry and impossible for mortals to look at directly. If he manifested his full eldritch being, then he would wipe this tiny world from existence.

Normally, All for One wouldn’t care overly much about causing an apocalypse or two, but his younger brother would never let him hear the end of it. In a ravenous mood, All for One had gobbled up One for All’s favorite star that the younger eldritch deity had been lovingly raising ever since it had been a mere nebula. If he destroyed a planet full of sentient beings right afterward, his little brother would go black hole on his ass. In fact, the only reason All for One had responded to a summons on this insignificant little planet had been to hide from his dear brother’s inevitable wrath.

He’d appeared inside a pentagram drawn in blood. If the mortals thought this could contain him, they had another thing coming. The dim basement reeked of decay and mold grew on the stone walls.

A group of bipedal mortals in black robes dropped to their knees before him. “All hail the great All for One, Destroyer of Galaxies! We worship you! We offer our everything to your service!”

How kind of them. All for One felt pleased he hadn’t killed them. He tried to say so. A sound like the death cry of a world emerged from his beak, shattering the lamp overhead. Oops. He still needed to form a voice box.

The cultists shrieked obnoxiously and flailed around. A man wearing a gold medallion, likely the leader, shouted, “Fear not! After the sacrifice, All for One will give us the power to become gods. We’ll rule the world with an iron fist.”

Talk about overpromising. All for One would set this presumptuous fool straight just as soon as he could figure out lungs. His tentacled form shrank and compressed into a body with two legs and two arms like the mortals in front of him. He gave himself curly white hair and his trademark red eyes.

While he was busy transforming, the leader drew a knife and approached an infant lying on a stone altar. “We offer this innocent child to you, great All for One.”

They were giving him a son? All for One had always wanted a son or daughter or little one of other gender, but the senior eldritch abominations kept telling him he was still too young. Bah. Tiresome old fogies. All for One examined the baby with new interest. He had a patch of green curls on his mostly bald head and the most adorable green eyes. All for One’s fake imitation of a heart melted. The baby cooed and giggled. What a sweet sound. This little one would make a fine son. He might even give the cultists what they wanted in exchange.

The leader brought down the knife. The baby’s giggle turned into a choked scream. Blood flowed down the stone altar.

All for One shrieked. The sound made the stone walls melt. The cultists fell to the ground clutching their ears. What had these insignificant insects done to his new son? Although All for One was no expert on mortals, not like his comic book-obsessed younger brother, he felt fairly certain they weren’t supposed to scream, spew out liquids, then go horribly still.

They’d caused his child pain!

In his fury, All for One moved so fast he broke the speed of light barrier. As he cradled the dying infant in his human arms, one of his tentacles shot forth to the touch the injury. He infused the baby with his own essence. As shadows wrapped around the child, the stab wound vanished. Green eyes shot open. The infant whimpered and sniffled, waving his tiny arms.

“How are you feeling?” All for One asked, before he remembered babies probably didn’t talk.

The child grabbed his tentacle and wrapped his fingers around a sucker. Such tiny, perfect fingernails. All for One stared, transfixed.

On the ground, the last surviving cultist groaned, then died.

All for One looked around at the nine dead cultists lying on the floor bleeding from their ears and eyes. Black hole take him, his younger brother probably wouldn’t be happy about this, either. But if All for One left quickly enough, he could pretend to be uninvolved!

As All for One strolled up the stairs, he stroked the baby’s green curls. “What should I call you? All for One Junior? No, that would be egotistical even for me. A mortal ought to have a mortal-sounding name. How about Izuku? Yes, I like that.” He’d killed nine mortals to claim his son so he would give him a name meaning nine. It felt right.

One for All just knew that his brother had eaten his favorite star. After All for One had explicitly promised not to do that! Then big brother had hidden himself away, further proving his guilt. After searching through countless galaxies, One for All eventually found his thieving brother on a tiny planet in the outermost reaches of the cosmos.

It was very unlike All for One to shrink himself down into a mortal form in order to manifest on a planet without destroying it. Curiosity briefly overwhelmed One for All’s anger. He peeked in on the planet, observing the bipedal lifeforms who dominated. Then he compressed himself down into a shape about their size, with white hair and green eyes. He did not forget clothing—he’d made that mistake visiting a planet before and the locals had gotten very agitated. He copied a neon green superhero costume that he imagined looked very dashing on him. Then he added a pair of sunglasses so he didn’t accidentally drive anyone insane with his gaze.

Upon manifesting on the planet, One for All found himself standing outside a white house with a small lawn and roses running up the driveway. Very, very unlike his brother. If All for One could be found anywhere near inhabited planets, he’d usually be lurking in some cultists’ hideout. Their worshiping fed big brother’s oversized ego.

One for All opened the front door and stepped into a small sitting room with a couch and a television. It had been created recently—he could still smell the power. As usual, his brother didn’t know what he was doing. The television had no power cord and the couch was made of solid wood with no cushion. One for All was about to adjust this into a proper living room when he heard a baby’s cry.

Immediately, One for All raced up the stairs. His brother stood next to a wooden crib holding an infant. Uncharacteristically, All for One had taken on a mortal form with curly white hair. He rocked the baby back and forth, whispering, “Hush, little one.”

The baby stopped crying and started sucking on All for One’s shirt sleeve.

“You kidnapped a child?” One for All screeched.

“Little brother, stop shouting!” All for One cried. “I just got him to calm down.”

One for All burned at being addressed as little brother. All for One had been born three seconds before him and proceeded to lord that over him for the next billion years.

The baby started crying again.

Guilt replaced One for All’s indignation. This was his mistake, so he had to fix it. He bent over the infant, making funny faces.

The baby cooed. He grabbed a lock of One for All’s hair and stuck it in his mouth. This left One for All in an awkward position bent over the crib. He solved this problem by cutting off that lock with a thought and regrowing it.

With a giggle, the infant swallowed his hair. Belatedly, One for All remembered that had unpleasant side effects for mortals. But the baby didn’t explode. Instead, he sighed and fell asleep.

In whisper, One for All asked, “Where did you get this baby and who do I need to return him to?”

“Return him?” All for One glared. “You will do no such thing. He’s my new son. I was gifted him.”

“Whatever you think happened, I bet you misunderstood,” One for All muttered. “Mortals don’t like to give up their children.”

All for One said, “But they stabbed him with a knife! If I hadn’t injected him with my essence, then he’d be dead.”

“Oh.” One for All rapidly reordered his opinion of the situation. “I think they were trying to sacrifice this baby to you.”

All for One said, “Then I don’t feel nearly as bad about what I accidentally did to them.”

One for All declined to ask. “On second thought, I won’t be returning him to the people who tried to murder him. But you can’t look after a baby. You don’t know how.”

“I’m doing wonderfully.” All for One waved at the house, slightly jostling the baby, who mumbled before going back to sleep. “I created this home for him, just like all the other humans in this neighborhood. I’ll provide everything he needs.”

“Do you even know what babies need, brother?” One for All glared. “They need more than a house! They need sunlight! And food! They get food from the sun…no, that’s plants. I think mortals eat the plants after they’ve finished absorbing sunlight.”

All for One snorted. “You clearly don’t know much more than me.”

One for All crossed his arms. (Behind him, his shadow crossed a dozen tentacles.) “For your information, I’ve visited this world dozens of times. They have great storytellers here.” And they’d only tried to burn him at the stake once, an incident he didn’t mention to his overprotective older brother. “I know how to find a mortal caretaker.” Probably.

All for One clutched the baby to his chest. “No! Mine!”

One for All groaned. When big brother got like this, there was no reasoning with him. Likely he would get bored of this little project soon. Then One for All would be forced to step in and find mortal parents for the child. Cleaning up his older brother’s messes, as always. Clearly it would also be up to him to keep the infant alive in the meantime. “Fine, I’ll move my most important projects over here.” He snapped his fingers, and a bag of his galaxy creation blueprints materialized on the floor.

All for One sniffed. “Who invited you to live here? This is my child and I’m going to keep all of his adorable moments to myself.”

“I wonder what happened to my favorite star?” One for All stared hard at his brother. “I only took my eyes off it for a few minutes.”

All for One winced. “Ha-ha, of course every child needs an uncle.”

“How old is he?”

All for One examined the sleeping child. “He’s a baby, so maybe a millennium.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, brother! Humans are much shorter-lived than our kind. He’s a century old at most.”

“Why did you even ask if you’re so certain?”

“Because it affects what he can eat.” One for All strained his memory. “When they’re young, humans don’t eat solids. They drink something called milk.”

“What’s that?”

“I’m not certain, but it comes out of human naughty bits.”

All for One looked disgusted and clutched the baby protectively. “Humans are perverts!”

“Honestly, I think it’s disgusting too.” One for All wasn’t certain that he was remembering correctly, not that he would ever admit it. “There must be substitutes. I’ll go to a store and see what I can find. You stay right here and don’t let the baby die!”

All for One straightened. “Little brother, I’m offended that you think I can’t preserve a single mortal lifeform.” He kept growing taller until his head brushed the ceiling and his voice echoed with a thousand tones. “Even if every army on this entire planet came after my son, I’d annihilate them!”

One for All rolled his eyes. “Stop fussing, you might wake him up. Does he have a name?”

“Izuku.”

A strange feeling clenched inside One for All’s chest. “What a lovely name.”

All for One beamed. “Thank you! I thought of it myself.”

The human at the store had been very helpful. She’d showed One for All to the baby formula, insisted he purchase diapers too, and answered all his questions. When he’d asked her how soon the baby could start eating raw meat, she’d patiently explained why that was a bad idea. Who knew that humans could get so many unpleasant diseases?

One for All had next asked when Izuku would start flying, but apparently humans only did that in comic books. She had been most insistent that it would be a bad idea to expose Izuku to radioactive waste in hopes that he’d develop superpowers. Then she’d offered to call a group known as the “Child Protective Services” in order to help him out. One for All knew that the humans would only get lost trying to find his brother’s home, but he let her try anyway because she seemed so determined.

One for All pushed open the door and called, “I’m home—” His voice cut off as he saw his brother dangling Izuku out the window. He shrieked, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

All for One said, “I’m teaching him how to fly.”

“Humans can’t fly, you moron! That’s only a thing in comic books!”

All for One pulled Izuku back inside with a pout. “How was I supposed to know that?”

“It’s basic commons sense!” One for All didn’t admit that he’d only realized this minutes ago. “You promised me you wouldn’t let little Izuku die, and then as soon as I took my eyes off you, you tried to drop him out the window.” Leaving his shopping bags on the floor, One for All stomped over and wrenched Izuku away from his brother. He rocked the baby. “There, there, were you scared?”

Izuku giggled. His eyes flashed with a green glow. Then he floated up in the air so he could grab One for All’s bangs. One for All gaped.

All for One cried, “See, he can fly!”

“Well, most human babies can’t. Obviously you did something to him when you shoved your power inside him like a reckless blowhard.”

All for One leapt up and down, crowing, “My son is the best baby!”

As he wrestled Izuku down from the ceiling, One for All grumbled, “This will probably only make him more difficult to look after.”

Regrettably, One for All proved right. Izuku got into absolutely everything. He nearly wandered off into a portal to another dimension, then he swallowed a marble containing the new galaxy One for All had been creating. The eldritch deity only hoped this wouldn’t prove harmful. The human internet had given him valuable information on baby-proofing the house but said nothing about what to do when your baby swallowed a galaxy. Also, every human who read his posts kept repeatedly calling for Child Protective Services. One for All had been accused of being a troll twice and trolls didn’t even exist on Planet Earth.

When Izuku started producing a foul stench, All for One ran over. “Little brother! My baby is dying!”

“Calm down, the nice human selling baby formula warned me about this. He needs to be changed.” One for All pulled up an internet tab with directions, then went to fetch a diaper.

“Then I’ll leave that in your capable hands.” All for One retreated to the other end of the room, away from the smell. But close enough to laugh his head off when Izuku peed on One for All.

Both All for One and One for All had lived longer than most galaxies, but a baby crying was the single most piercing sound they’d ever heard.

All for One held Izuku with trembling hands, his face scrunched up in pain but too afraid to move. “He won’t stop crying! Do I shake him?”

One for All screamed, “NO! That’s the worst thing to do to a baby, I think. They’re very breakable.”

“But movies show people shaking babies,” All for One shouted over Izuku’s wailing.

“Bouncing! Not shaking! It’s a gentle motion!” One for All tried to demonstrate as if holding an invisible baby.

All for One’s brow wrinkled with panic. “How do I know how gently to bounce him before it hurts him?”

One for All sounded ready to cry. “I…I don’t know.”

All for One froze in place, afraid to so much as jostle little Izuku. His hands trembled. Sweat dripped down his nose.

Izuku gurgled, then burped. His spit up sprayed across All for One’s face.

All for One bellowed, “AHHHHHHHHHHH! I think he’s dying! My son is dying!”

Tears streaming down his cheeks, One for All materialized a phone. “I’m calling an ambulance.”

Izuku stopped crying, mumbled, and fell asleep.

“I think he’s better now.” All for One stared down at the sleeping baby, afraid to so much as twitch his hands for fear of waking him. Spit up dripped down his face onto his suit.

Holding his phone to his ear, One for All said, “They told me that baby burping is normal. Also, this mortal wants to call Child Protective Services too.”

The brothers eventually fell into a routine looking after Izuku. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that One for All developed the routine while All for One popped in for feeding, bedtime, and making cute faces at the baby. Whenever it was time to change Izuku’s diapers or burp him, All for One always managed to be mysteriously absent.

Late one night as One for All placed the baby down on his crib, Izuku giggled, yanked out a strand of white hair, and said, “Da-da!”

One for All gasped. “Brother, Izuku just said his first word! This is so exciting. I’m going to create a new galaxy just for him, since he seems to like eating them so much.”

From the doorway, All for One cried, “But—!”

“Shhh!” One for All moved in a flash, putting a hand over his older brother’s mouth. “I just got him to sleep.”

In a softer voice, All for One grumbled, “But little brother, I’m Izuku’s dad. You’re his uncle. We need to make certain he understands this. He was mine first.”

One for All stared at his brother wearily. “According to my human books, a child’s father changes his diapers while his uncle shows up to bring presents and play with him.” He gestured at the trash can of diapers. “Have you changed a single one?” Glowing green eyes bore into the older eldritch abomination.

All for One’s shoulders sagged. Meekly, he said, “I’ll change half the diapers from now on.”

Although All for One had finally been scared into doing his fair share of the chores, the title of “Dad” continued to belong to his younger brother. Eventually All for One had to settle for “Papa.”

All for One felt it first. A sudden shift in the atmosphere of the planet. Distant notes of a melody only eldritch beings could hear. He ran into the living room. “They’re coming.”

Paling, One for All looked up from the baby sleeping in his arms. “What? Why here? Why now?” He brushed a stray lock off Izuku’s forehead. “Do you think they found out about him?”

“Probably,” All for One said glumly. “You know they’re a bunch of nosy busybodies on the verge of going senile—” As a shimmering golden figure appeared in the room, his tone shifted. “Hastur! How lovely to see you. It’s been too long.”

The King in Yellow blurred and shifted into a beautiful young man with curly golden hair. His skin gleamed like the sun. Only his eyes were swirling black pits. He tossed back the golden hood of his cloak. “Little ones, I heard you have a new son. What a happy family occasion.”

All for One grumbled, “I’m not a child any longer. Call me All for One.”

Hastur ignored this demand. “We brought presents for the child.” A golden glowing box appeared in his hand. “I bring you his greatest dream. Or his worst nightmare. Or perhaps both.”

“Why, thank you for such a generous—” All for One’s eyes narrowed. “We?”

Cthulhu strolled through the door without bothering to open it. He appeared as a green-skinned human with patches of scales. Shadowy tentacles blinked in and out of existence around his mouth and the outline of wings hovered at his back. “Little Hungry One and Little Creator!” He bestowed a slobbery kiss on both brothers. Then he snatched up Izuku. “So this is the youngest of our race?”

One for All said, “Hey, you’ll wake him up.”

Izuku opened his eyes. They glowed green. He opened his mouth to scream.

Cthulhu bounced the baby. “Aw, you’re adorable. I wonder if you’ll consume galaxies like one of your parents or create them like the other?”

Izuku laughed and grabbed at Cthulhu’s shadowy tentacles.

All for One scowled. “How did you learn how to do that so fast? It took me months to figure out the correct amount of force.”

“Do you think I didn’t play with you two back when you were tiny fries?” Cthulhu tossed Izuku in the air.

Both One for All and All for One screamed. The baby only smiled and babbled as Cthulhu juggled him around between his tentacles.

“What a healthy pair of lungs,” Cthulhu said approvingly. “I brought you a music box.” He held it up in one tentacle.

One for All examined the gift. “The sound would drive a mortal mad, but otherwise it seems safe enough.” He peeked inside Hastur’s box with more trepidation. “Oh, it’s only ice cream. Izuku would love it, but it would make him sick. A dream and a nightmare, that checks out. We’ll save it for when he’s older.”

The whole house shook as a misty being oozed up from the floor. Yog-Sothoth took the form of a cloud of glowing orbs.

One for All said, “Please turn into a human. You’ll scare the baby.” Izuku reached out and swallowed one of the orbs. “Or he might do that. I’m not taking responsibility, I warned you.”

In a voice like a chorus of damned souls, Yog-Sothoth hissed, “Let the stars look upon this little one and rejoice and despair. My last beloved child was abused by his mortal parent. Nothing will ever be able to harm this one.” Yog-Sothoth tossed Izuku several more orbs that the baby enthusiastically sucked on despite the dark mist coming out of them. Then the eldritch deity vanished.

All for One said, “Power! Now there’s a proper gift.”

Izuku turned invisible and insubstantial. He crawled through Cthulhu, then reappeared in All for One’s arms, cooing.

Despairingly, One for All said, “It will be even harder to baby-proof the house now.”

A knock came on the door. All for One called, “You might as well come in—everyone else has.”

“Am I fashionably late?” A gorgeous dark-skinned woman strolled in wearing a yellow sundress. Nyarlathotep’s cherry-red lips peeled back into a wicked smile. Stars danced around her afro and swirled in her eyes. “I can’t believe you two didn’t tell us about the baby. For shame! I suppose you didn’t want to share this cuteness?” She snatched up Izuku and kissed his forehead. He sampled her hair.

All for One lied, “It simply slipped our minds. What a pleasant surprise for all of you to visit.”

“Oh, the visits are just getting started.” Nyarlathotep smirked. “All the others are eager to meet this cutie too.”

“Wonderful,” All for One grumbled.

The three deities crowded around Izuku, fussing over him. Hastur said, “We have come to share our parental wisdom. Don’t let him eat for the first century or he may turn out as gluttonous as you, Little Hungry One.”

One for All said, “Too late for that. Also, humans die without food, that’s terrible advice.”

Cthulhu said, “Rotate his suckers regularly to remove the outermost layer of his skin. This cleaning will improve his sense of smell and grip on prey.”

One for All said, “He doesn’t even have tentacles, but at least that one isn’t actively harmful.”

Nyarlathotep said, “Children require socialization with others their age. You two little ones had each other. This one needs friends.” She gazed deeply into Izuku’s eyes, and a spark leapt between him. “I’ve gifted your child with the ability to hide his nature from mortals so he can interact with those who were once his kind.”

All three eldritch deities vanished, leaving Izuku floating in the air. It was lucky he could fly.

Taking his son back into his arms, All for One grumbled, “They’ll be back. So will the others.”

One for All said, “Nyarlathotep made a good point. We should help Izuku interact with other babies.”

“If we don’t, she might find friends for him.” All for One shuddered.

One day later, Hisashi and Yoichi Shigaraki contacted Shouta Aizawa in order to enroll little Izuku in Daycare 1-A.

Planet Earth was most definitely not ready.

Chapter Text

The office of Daycare 1-A contained an oak desk and two wicker chairs for guests. The carpet had an emerald green fern pattern. A geranium sat in the window. The alphabet decorated the pale blue walls. Shouta Aizawa sat behind his desk with his hands folded. The desk held pictures of a younger Aizawa with his arms slung around a blond boy and a boy with light blue hair. Aizawa wore a black T-shirt with the logo of a smiling baby. His hair had been pulled back into a ponytail.

All for One and One for All—currently going by the human names Hisashi and Yoichi Shigaraki—sat in the wicker chairs wearing suits. Baby Izuku slept on Hisashi’s shoulder. A glowing mouth popped out of Hisashi’s neck and ate his tie. Yoichi kicked his brother. The extra mouth faded away.

Aizawa glanced down at the paper in front of him. “Misters Shigaraki, it says that your son Izuku is adopted—”

Hisashi said, “He was a gift, actually, from a few of my, um, friends. They tried to kill him, so I suppose I shouldn’t call them friends. What kind of friend would cut the throat of my dear son? Regardless, they are no longer a concern, and now I have this wonderful child.” A faint dark mist seeped off his skin.

Yoichi laughed loudly. “Yes! Izuku is adopted! The normal human way. Probably a stork left him at our doorstep. Nothing unusual at all. Hardly a story worth telling, if I’m being honest.” He ground down his heel on his brother’s shadow. This made Hisashi yelp in pain. Jostled, Izuku stirred. An extra eye flashed open on his forehead, glowing green. Then he yawned and closed all of his eyes.

Aizawa’s eyebrows rose. “Cut the nonsense. What are your true names, and what type of eldritch abilities does your child possess?”

The brothers exchanged glances. Yoichi said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, fellow normal human.”

A horn poked out of the side of Hisashi’s head. He grabbed it and shoved it back in. “My son is also very normal,” he insisted, as one of Izuku’s feet sprouted a hoof. Hisashi picked the fallen baby shoe off the floor and tried to shove it back on, but it wouldn’t fit.

Aizawa pinched the bridge of his nose. “Look, when I was in high school, my best friend got a building dropped on him and turned into sentient mist. Then his many times great grand parent Nyarlathotep popped out of nowhere—literally—and said that his latent cosmic horror blood had awakened. After over a decade hanging out with Oboro, I know when I’m dealing with things that eat planets like M&Ms.”

“So that’s why Nyarlathotep recommended this daycare!” Yoichi cried, snapping his fingers.

Hisashi nodded. “Yes, only an expert could have seen through my perfect disguise.” His shadow burped and regurgitated a scrap of his tie.

Aizawa asked, “Is Nyarlathotep the one who keeps recommending my daycare?” He sighed. “No matter. I’ve given up on ever working with a normal child. It wouldn’t be safe, with the batch I currently have. All of the babies in my daycare either have a distant trace of eldritch blood or were marked by an early life encounter with a cosmic horror. I can assure you that I’m uniquely suited to deal with such children. Here.” Aizawa tossed Yoichi a book entitled: How to Parent Humans. “I wrote it myself.”

“Thank you!” Yoichi sprouted an extra arm to catch the book. “I know a book like this had to exist. One bookstore employee laughed at me and the other called CPS.”

“Yes, the mortals have a strange fixation with CPS. I believe it must be their local deity.” Hisashi leaned back in his chair. A pair of ram’s horns popped out and half a dozen extra eyes sprouted down his face.

Aizawa scowled. “Hey! Just because I know what you are doesn’t mean you can let it all hang out in my office. See, you’re killing my plant.” He pointed at the dark mist radiating off Hisashi and strangling the potted geranium in the windowsill.

“I’m sorry about him.” Yoichi sighed. “Ever since he got super into this comic book with a demon king, he’s been pretending he can’t control himself so he can flaunt his new horns.” Yoichi flicked his fingers, and his shadow turned blindly white. As the younger brother’s light fell on it, the geranium perked up and sprouted several extra flowers.

Sulkily, Hisashi muttered, “Your horn is showing too, little brother.”

“Oh! Sorry!” Yoichi touched the golden horn that had sprouted when he’d used his powers.

Since the light had also repaired a crack on his desk and removed a stain from his carpet, Aizawa was in a good mood. He said, “You have a lovely horn. It matches your earrings.”

“Thank you.” Yoichi turned his head to show off the golden chain. “The clerk told me that I was shopping in the women’s section, but I explained that gender is optional for my kind. Then I purchased some diamonds for Izuku to eat—he has a real sweet tooth for them—and she invoked the deity CPS again.”

Aizawa sighed. “Please read my book. For now, let’s get back to business.” He took out a notebook. “Who are you and what power does your child possess?”

Yoichi said, “I’m One for All, and my brother is All for One. Izuku ate a bit of both of our essences, so he can use both creation and destruction.”

Aizawa paled. “Ate your essence? Do you mean to tell me your baby is a full-blooded cosmic horror?”

“The first one in millennium,” Hisashi said proudly. “See? Isn’t he cute?” He held up Izuku. Curved horns grew rapidly from the baby’s emerald hair. His freckles glowed. Eyes sprouted from his face all the way down his arms. One cracked open, spewing green mist.

Izuku yawned, giggled, and spat out a miniature star.

Before the heat could consume the office and a large chunk of the city, a third eye opened on Aizawa’s forehead. Red light flashed. The star vanished.

“There, there. Are you feeling fussy?” Aizawa offered a pacifier. Izuku bit clean through it. Aizawa immediately produced another one. “How about this one?”

With a small grumble that shook the office, Izuku closed his many eyes and relaxed back into slumber. He returned to the form of a human baby. His horns could only be seen in his shadow.

“Excellent caretaking!” Yoichi clapped. “I see you’re no normal mortal yourself.”

“I used to be,” Aizawa said. “Oboro leaked his power all over me and our friend Hizashi.”

Hisashi said, “I feel confident that my darling boy will be in safe hands here.”

Aizawa coughed. “Actually, I’m not sure that we’re equipped to handle a full eldritch abomination.”

“Oh?” Yoichi blinked, the many green eyes lurking in his shadow following suit. “Can you recommend someone else, then?”

Aizawa full-body twitched. “No, no, no! You can’t possibly allow your child around ordinary mortals at his current age! He won’t know how to stop shedding his power! Humans that are regularly exposed to eldritch energy either become slightly eldritch themselves or go completely insane. Though kids are always the former, I can’t let you run around infecting babies.” His shoulders sagged. The life went out of his eyes. “You can leave him here today…as a trial run. We’ll see how he fits in with the rest of 1-A.”

“Thank you!” Yoichi beamed. “Here, we brought his stuffed rabbit and his blankie.”

Hisashi said, “I brought your payment.” His shadow burped, then regurgitated a massive chest of gold coins. “I hope this will be enough for one day.”

Aizawa peered into the chest. “These coins look ancient. This is far too much.”

But the brothers had already vanished, leaving the scent of crackling lightning in the air. The chair where Hisashi had been sitting splintered into two pieces. Aizawa’s geranium grew rapidly, its branches and giant flowers obscuring the entire window.

Izuku floated in the air. He stirred. Aizawa caught the eldritch baby and spent several minutes soothing him so he didn’t wake up.

After settling Izuku into a baby carrier, Aizawa video-called Shirakumo Oboro. The young man with blue eyes and pale blue hair wore a jumpsuit. He opened his mouth for a greeting, but Aizawa spoke first. “You sent me a full cosmic horror?”

Oboro had the grace to look sheepish. “He could hardly go to a regular daycare. Grandma Nyarlathotep insisted that he needs socialization, and who better than other children like him?”

Aizawa glared. “If you expect me to handle this—” He held up Izuku, who had sprouted eyes all over his body while juggling balls of light. “—then I expect you to come help me.”

Oboro’s eyes widened. “Oops! I’m disintegrating into mist again. Can’t manage human speech any longer.” His face turned into black-purple mist.

“I know you’re doing that on-purpose,” Aizawa growled as his friend melted out of his clothing and drifted away. “Get back here! At least tell me what kind of cosmic horror infected the other baby you sent me! The Bakugos didn’t stay long enough to explain. The father said he was late for work and ran off.”

Staring at his blank screen, Aizawa sighed. Then he opened his third eye in time to stop Izuku from transforming into an octopus. The baby giggled, the tips of his hair sprouting extra eyes.

“The son of the Twins of Creation and Destruction,” Aizawa muttered, looking down at the tentacle-haired baby. “I shall call you Problem Child.”

Aizawa entered Daycare 1-A with Katsuki Bakuto strapped to a carrier on his back and Izuku strapped to his front (where he could quickly use his third eye if need be.) “Hizashi, these are our two newest children.”

Hizashi Yamada sat cross-legged on the ground, playing building blocks with three other babies. Ochaco floated the blocks in the air, Mezo used four extra phantom arms behind him, Shouto lit a block on fire, and Momo stuffed a block into her mouth. Her mouth opened with a ripping sound to consume half her face, then she swallowed the block whole.

Yamada looked up with a wide smile. “Please to meet you, little terrors!”

The eye on Aizawa’s forehead opened, putting out Shouto’s fire. “We do not use our powers indoors,” he said. Though he wasn’t sure if Shouto understood, eldritch children often developed faster mentally. It was worthwhile to try to communicate with them.

Shouto giggled and spat out an icicle.

Aizawa took both babies out of the carrier and set them down. “Would you two like to play, too?”

Izuku crawled over and ate a block.

Yamada chuckled. “I see we have another hungry one. Between him and little Momo, we’ll need to replace our blocks soon.”

Katsuki bit Izuku’s leg.

Opening his mouth, Izuku revealed hundreds of rows of teeth. He hissed.

Falling onto his back, Katsuki wailed. Aizawa picked him up and soothed him. “No biting. I bet you’re a little destroyer.”

Yamada picked up Izuku, saying, “I’ll tend to that ouchie.” Two drops of black blood bubbled out of the shallow injury, then it vanished. Izuku giggled, all smiles again with the normal number of teeth. Yamada said, “Err, I guess you had it handled already.”

Out of the corner of his mouth, Aizawa whispered to Yamada, “Little Izuku is the child of the Eternal Hunger.”

Yamada’s eyes widened. “Seriously? He’s a full cosmic horror? We should double our fees.”

“He and his brother gave us enough money to buy this daycare several times over. For one day.” Aizawa sighed. “That’s the only reason I’m considering this. I told them they could have a trial run.”

Yamada tapped his chin. “Unfortunately, today is picture day.”

“Seriously?” Aizawa scowled. “We can’t have a human not in the know come here. I haven’t figured out Izuku’s full capabilities yet, and I still don’t know Katsuki’s power type. See if you can cancel.”

In the corner, Hitoshi and Fumikage scribbled together on a paper spread out across the floor. Dark Shadow had grabbed several crayons to help. Fumikage sneezed, causing his head to shift between human and bird.

Koji and Tsuyu napped together in a tent. Tsuyu was surrounded by frogs of all shapes and sizes, forming a bed for her. Spiders spun webs above Koji’s head. A white rabbit nestled in his arms. Its lips were stained with blood.

Eijiro, Rikido, Hanta, and Kyoka sat in a circle, listening to a nursery song. The music seemed to be coming from Kyoka’s waving hands. Rikido clapped, spreading silver dust.

The doorbell rang. Yamada said, “It’s too late. The photographer is already here.”

Aizawa sighed. “I’ll take him to my office. It’s better if he doesn’t see this place.” He looked around the chaotic room. “Also, that way I can keep my third eye focused on nullifying one child at a time.”

Denki stuck his finger into an electric socket and made happy noises.

Yamada ran forward. “Denki! Stop it! You’re going to drain the power from the entire building again!”

Aizawa groaned. Clearly he’d need all the money the brothers had given him for yet more repairs.

The photographer set up his camera behind Aizawa’s desk. His gaze drifted to the huge plant spreading out from a tiny flowerpot and consuming most of the window. The photographer snapped a secret picture of the geranium to post online later. Such an interesting plant would surely get him reddit karma.

Aizawa said, “I’ll bring the children by one at a time. Please promise me not to look at the pictures.”

The photographer frowned. “But how will I know if they came out right?”

Aizawa’s smile turned strained. “We won’t hold you responsible. The children’s parents are very firm about their privacy. They would like to be the only ones who see the pictures.”

“They don’t want me to look at their children?” The photographer shook his head. “But I have to look at them in order to take pictures.”

“Just don’t look at the photographs after you’ve taken them. I’ll be collecting your camera on your way out the door. We’re paying you more than enough to replace it.”

This was true. Daycare 1-A had given the photographer enough money to buy a house, and they’d paid in advance. For that much money, the photographer was willing to overlook any strangeness. “Whatever you want, boss. But babies can be hard to take good pictures of. I won’t give you a refund if they turn out blurry and blinking—not if you won’t let me look at the final product.”

“That’s fine.” Aizawa muttered something that sounded like, “Blurriness will be the least of our problems.”

Aizawa left, and returned with a blond boy. For a moment, the photographer would swear he saw a tail poking out from behind the infant. But just as he opened his mouth to ask if this was a costumed photo shoot, the tail was gone.

After the photographer took several photos—carefully not looking at them—Aizawa kissed the boy’s forehead. He said, “Good job containing yourself, Mashirao,” and left while the photographer wondered what that meant.

The next baby was a girl with pink hair and horns—no, she had black hair. No, pink hair. Her eyes were black like endless gaping pits that could consume the universe. The photographer’s hands shook on his camera. He felt relieved when Aizawa left with her and came back with a new child.

The black-haired boy kicked his legs against the chair. For a moment, the photographer saw engines on his legs.

The blond boy was exceptionally cute, with such an adorable smile that the photographer couldn’t help smiling back. “Aren’t you sparkling like a shoujo manga character—?” His voice trailed off. Literal sparkles and roses floated around the boy. “How are you doing that? Is it a special effect?”

“Doing what?” A light flashed from Aizawa’s forehead. Before the photographer could process what he’d seen, it was gone. Then the blond infant looked perfectly normal. “Smile for the camera, Yuga.” Aizawa’s own smile looked strained.

Feeling uneasy, the photographer took his pictures quickly. He nearly looked at one, but Aizawa was watching him too closely. Despite his fear, curiosity was eating him alive. He wanted to see if that strange manga-like background would show up in a picture. He had to know if he’d lost his mind.

Next, Aizawa carried in a bundle of empty air. “This is Toru.”

“But there’s no one—” The photographer stared. An ordinary baby girl sat in the chair. “Where did she come from?”

“I just brought her in,” Aizawa said a little too quickly. He looked tired. The bags under his eyes had deepened and his hair stuck up.

The photographer nearly looked down to see what his camera had captured. But Aizawa cleared his throat, and he stopped himself.

Numerous other children came and went, each one feeding the photographer’s curiosity a bit more. Many of them had strange features he could only spot out of the corner of his eye. The spikey-haired blond boy had been the only normal looking one so far, and he’d tried to eat the photographer’s pen. By the very last child, the man was desperate to see at least one photograph. Surely then he’d find photographic proof about the secrets of the universe.

The last boy had curly green hair and freckles. A strange hair color was far from the most unusual thing the photographer had seen today. He was almost a little disappointed.

Aizawa set the baby down. “Smile for the camera, Izuku.”

The photographer snapped a picture.

Izuku laughed, then floated up to the ceiling. Green shadows blazed from his eye sockets.

A strange mixture of terror and vindication filled the photographer. He screamed, “Your baby is floating!”

Red light flashed around Aizawa, and then Izuku was back in his seat. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Aizawa said. “It must have been a trick of the light. Look, see how perfectly normal he is now.”

Izuku’s shadow grew behind him, a mixture of tentacles and feathers. With a flash of white teeth, the giant geranium vanished into the dark mass.

Pointing, the photographer screamed, “THIS IS NOT NORMAL! THAT BABY IS IMPOSSIBLE!”

Aizawa’s smile wilted. “Problem child, don’t ruin your appetite.” Aizawa leapt up and grabbed Izuku before he floated away again. Izuku’s face scrunched up. “There, there. Do you want your pacifier? Are you hungry? I’ll feed you a nice diamond later—uh, a diamond-shaped cookie.”

With Aizawa distracted, the photographer seized a chance to glance down at the image of the last picture he’d taken of Izuku. Then he ran screaming out of the building.

Rocking Izuku, Aizawa sighed. He muttered, “I’d better send him a bonus. I’ve got enough money, thanks to your daddy. Good thing I had the foresight to save you for last, problem child.”

Izuku burped up a nebula.

In a distant office, a Child Protective Services agent spoke into the phone. “This prank call again? I bet you’re not even a real professional photographer. How did you get so many people in on this joke? Do you think it’s funny to waste official time like this? We have real children we need to help!” She hung up.

“What was that about?” Her newest coworker asked.

The CPS agent swiveled around in her office chair. “Oh, it’s a local joke. We’ve received dozens of prank calls, all from different numbers, about a green-haired baby who has monsters for parents or is a monster himself. Some of them sound very convincing, but don’t believe a word of it. Whenever one of us tries to find the address the caller gives us, it doesn’t exist. Several agents who investigated the prank calls retired, quit, or transferred shortly afterward, which is just a coincidence, but it makes our more superstitious coworkers nervous. At this point, it’s become an office urban legend that there’s some Cthulhu baby living in our city.” She laughed. “What a joke, right?”

Her coworker laughed, too. “Cthulhu? Like monsters with tentacles?”

The CPS agent rolled her eyes. “The joker this time claimed to have photographed a whole daycare full of eldritch babies. Some people have way too much time on their hands. Unlike us. I’ve got to get back to work.”

“Did you miss Papa?” Hisashi picked up Izuku and spun him around. “Yes, you did! I missed you, too!”

Izuku cheered and waved his arms, producing a stirring eldritch choir. His kicking legs turned into hooves again, making his shoes fall off.

Aizawa caught them. “I think he’s imitating Kyouka’s power. How fascinating. He’s a very fast learner.”

Hisashi beamed. “Just like his father!”

Aizawa shuddered to imagine the problem child adding the powers of everyone in the daycare to his skillset. “Izuku gets along with his classmates. He’s a friendly baby. He has trouble controlling his power, but that’s completely normal at his age. All in all, your son had a very successful first day at daycare, and CPS was only called once.”

Hisashi nodded. “Ah, yes, the mortals do worship their beloved CPS.”

Aizawa said, “Today, we had class pictures. You can purchase copies to pick up at the end of the week. Here is Izuku’s photo.”

Hisashi gasped as he peered at Aizawa’s phone. “My little galaxy eater! Just look at those precious tentacles and the soul-sucking entropy in his eyes! I’ll take a hundred copies.” His shadow spat up another chest of gold coins.

Aizawa said, “That’s too much money again—oh, never mind, I’ll donate it to our photographer’s therapy bills.”

Izuku’s face turned bright green. He scrunched up his nose. Then he spat out a very sharp silver tooth.

Hisashi screamed. “My baby! He’s regurgitating his skeleton! Is he dying?” He swelled up in size, extra eyes sprouting. His ears elongated. Claws appeared on his fingers. Darkness wrapped around him. His shadow rose up with a howl.

Aizawa’s third eye flashed, calming Hisashi’s shadow. “There’s no need to be concerned. Human children naturally lose their teeth. Usually it starts at an older age, but your son clearly has a lot of teeth. They’ll grow back. Let him chew on soft things, like slices of fruit. It’s all in the parenting book I gave you.”

“He’ll grow more teeth?” Hisashi’s smile returned. “He’s already got a few thousand! That’s my precocious boy!” He tickled Izuku’s stomach as he walked away. “This is worth celebrating. I’ll get you a special treat.”

“Don’t let him eat too many gemstones! You could damage his teeth as they grow in!” Aizawa called after the eldritch horror. “Read the book!”

Then Aizawa’s attention was distracted by another parent’s arrival. Masaru Bakugo cleared his throat. “I’m here to pick up my son?”

“Of course.” Aizawa pasted on his professional smile. He left, then returned carrying Katsuki. He settled the baby into his father’s baby stroller. “Katsuki adjusted well to daycare and enjoyed all our toys. He’s a biter—we’ll have to work on that. He chomped on three other kids. I take it that he comes from a destructive bloodline?”

Masaru blinked. “Excuse me? I suppose my wife has a bit of a temper.”

Aizawa laughed. “Yes, nothing to talk about on the open street, I understand. You’re doing a much better job pretending than the last parent. I commend you for your perfect mortal body.”

Masaru took a step backward. “Er, is this a good moment to mention that I’m happily married?”

Aizawa rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry, that must have sounded strange. I only meant that you and your son both do a commendable job seeming very normal.”

Masaru said, “Funny, the last daycare called Katsuki a little monster.”

“They simply weren’t equipped to handle his needs.” Aizawa shook his head disapprovingly. “It’s not good for children to be treated like monsters. We’ll do better. Your son is in good hands with other children just like him.”

Too timid to ask any more questions, Masaru left with Katsuki. On the walk home, he tried to figure out what Aizawa had meant. Perhaps the daycare had a lot of difficult children? But since Katsuki had already gotten banned from five daycares for aggressive biting, Masaru considered it good to have a teacher with experience handling difficult babies. Even if the teacher was a little strange. Frankly, at this point Masaru was willing to tolerate even the very awkward flirting if he’d finally found a daycare where his son could last longer than a day.

Masaru never realized that he’d accidentally dropped his son off at the wrong daycare.

It would take Aizawa a long time to realize his mistake, too. Since little Katsuki Bakugo would not remain human now that he’d consumed the blood of the child of the Twins of Creation and Destruction, he would shortly fit in very well with the rest of Daycare 1-A.

OMAKE TIME!

Omake: Every All for One Across Every Universe Hates Ties

Yoichi: (Holding up a tie) We must wear these strange nooses, brother. Humans use them as formal wear.

Hisashi: They make my neck ache just looking at them, brother. How do we fasten them?

Yoichi: I’m not sure. Maybe we wear them around our foreheads?

Hisashi: I have eaten mine. Problem solved.

#

Omake: Bad Habits

Yoichi: Izuku! Don’t eat the sofa! We need that for watching hero movies. Big brother, stay away from my latest galaxy.

Hisashi: Noms.

Yoichi: THAT ONE HAS PEOPLE IN IT! SPIT IT OUT!

#

Omake: Home Visit

Aizawa: It took my three hours to find your home, and that was with Oboro’s help. Next time, we’re doing this at my office.

Yoichi: Odd, I thought I sent you very detailed directions.

Aizawa: When your directions start by explaining what galaxy to go to, that’s a problem.

Hisashi: Izuku is perfect, so I don’t see the need for this conversation at all.

Aizawa: He’s a good kid, but parent-teacher conferences are useful for all children. Your son keeps burping up stars. I’m concerned that his diet may be too energy heavy.

Hisashi: What, are the other children jealous of him? I’ll tell him to bring enough for the whole class.

Aizawa: Don’t give me that nonsense, Little Hungry One.

Hisashi: H-how did you find out about that nickname?

Aizawa: I’ve been friends with Oboro for years. I have every Great Old One on speed dial.

#

Omake: Izuku’s Family Loves to Visit and Has No Concept of the Wrong Time

Yog-Sothoth: BEHOLD, IT IS I, THE POWERFUL, ALMIGHTY—

Aizawa: (Sighs) You’re here to see Izuku, aren’t you?

Yog-Sothoth: I CRAVE CUDDLES.

Aizawa: I’m trying to put the kids down for naptime.

Yog-Sothoth: APOLOGIES FOR THE INTERUPTION, CHILD. WHO IS THE ADULT IN CHARGE?

Aizawa: I know you don’t mean to be rude, but that only makes it more annoying. I’m in charge.

Yog-Sothoth: THEY LET A TINY THING LIKE YOU BABYSIT? YOU’RE TOO YOUNG FOR THIS RESPONSIBILITY! I MUST STAY HERE SO THERE IS AT LEAST ONE ADULT PRESENT.

#

Omake: This Would Go Much More Poorly Without Yoichi Around

Hisashi: (Points at young Tenko playing with Izuku) Brother, I see something that I want.

Yoichi: Big brother! That is an already parented human child! Get your tentacles away from him!

Hisashi: No! He’s cute and I want him! The current father is not competent!

Yoichi: I admit he’s cute, but he’s human.

Hisashi: We could human-proof the house. He appears to be very compatible with Izuku. It’s good for children to have siblings.

Yoichi: Stop tempting me. I’ll look into whatever is wrong with his current living situation. You stay at home with Izuku. I do not trust you to handle this properly.

#

Omake: The CPS Agents Who Found Izuku

CPS Boss: What do you mean “The child is more a danger to earth than earth to the child?” Is this a joke? Please don’t resign, we’re understaffed already!

#

Omake: Fourteen Years Later

Ochaco: Did you change your hairstyle? It looks good.

Izuku: I don’t remember changing anything…

Ochaco: I’m sure something is different.

Katsuki: DEKU! Your hair has turned into fucking tentacles with eyes on them! Put on a damn hat before you go outside!

Ochaco: You’re right, Katsuki! It’s so adorable!

Katsuki: I swear, everyone in this class keeps getting freakier and freakier.

Mina: You’re one to talk. You just sprouted a tentacle from your shoulder.

Katsuki: Fucking hell, I just know this is all Deku’s fault.

Tenya: Izuku! It is highly improper to turn your human classmate into a Horror Beyond Space and Time!

Izuku: Oh, dear, that does look like my power. It’s too late for me to take it back without eating you, sorry.

Katsuki: Goddamn shitty nerd! You turned me in a fucking hentai monster!

#For years, Aizawa praised Katsuki for being a model student at controlling his powers #Then Katsuki’s first tentacle came in and it turned out he had no idea how to control them at all #Mineta was eaten by Izuku #I mean, replaced by Hitoshi Shinsou

Chapter Text

Child Protective Services agent Toshinori Yagi hung up the phone. He stood up and walked to the neighboring cubicle belonging to his partner. “It’s another call about the Cthulhu child. I’m pretty sure it’s a prank call, but you asked me to let you know immediately about any word. A very agitated amusement park worker claimed that a group of babies ate the Ferris Wheel.”

Inko Midoriya looked up from her computer. Green hair fell over one eye as she scowled. Inko never smiled. She was a department legend for living for the sake of her job. Her desk was covered with pictures of a freckled baby with her eyes. A lot of agents had pictures of their families, but in Inko’s case Toshinori believed her constantly looking at those pictures verged on self-harm, because her child was dead. Standing up, Inko put on her coat. “Let’s go.”

Toshinori cleared his throat. “The claim is quite ridiculous. I can see the Ferris Wheel from my office window. A teenager called me, and you know the local kids have been pranking us ever since one of our former coworkers blabbed about the urban legend on the No Sleep reddit community. This time there was an entire class of eldritch children—I consider that sure proof the kid was mocking us.”

The teenager had sounded quite scared, but some of the prank callers were good actors. The prank calls had been increasing lately, proving someone was truly dedicated to their joke. The Cthulhu baby had teethed on everything from a truck to a meat packing factory. Toshinori didn’t believe a word of it. True, quite a few agents had quit after investigating the calls, but CPS had a high turnover. It was an overworked and underpaid job that regularly involved seeing horrific things.

Inko headed for the door. “You don’t have to come with me,” she called over her shoulder.

Toshinori ran to catch up with her. “Yes, I do. You know our boss said no one could take one of the eldritch calls without a partner after the previous…incidents. I don’t mind helping you. It’s just, we have a long list of families to visit. There are kids who actually need us.”

Inko slowed, letting him catch up. Her tone softened. “I know. But…did I ever tell you what happened to my son?”

“No,” Toshinori said gently. He had a lot of respect for his partner, who worked relentless overtime on every case. He also worried about her. As a coworker he feared overstepping boundaries but he’d been desperately resisting the urge to ask her if she’d ever considered seeing a psychiatrist about the guilt that drove her.

“My ex belonged to a cult dedicated to worshipping eldritch abominations. I tried repeatedly for sole custody of our son, but…you work for CPS, you know how hard it can be to get the law to act before the victim suffers irreparable harm. During his weekend with our son, they both vanished. His body was found in a collapsed building among an absolute mess of body parts. The police identified him by his molars. Enough of my baby’s blood was spread around for the doctors to be certain he’d died somewhere in that hellhole.” Inko’s voice shook. “When I hear about a call involving eldritch horrors, I have to be certain. Even if most of them are fake, there might still be some of that cult left. If there are…I refuse to let them hurt more children.”

“I understand.” Toshinori put a hand on her shoulder. “I’ll come along. Besides, I can’t lose another partner. You’re the only one who can put up with me.”

It was only partly a joke. A dozen of Toshinori’s partners had quit after just a few months. But as he kept telling himself, it was a rough and mentally grueling job. It wasn’t anything personal.

The teenager blew a bubble of gum and popped it. “I’d like to help, but I’m supposed to put on the All Might costume and hand out balloons.” He gestured at the red, yellow and blue suit lying on the bench. His voice held no enthusiasm for the task.

Toshinori cleared his throat. “Actually, I used to play All Might in hero shows here when I was a teenager. I could take over for you, if you’re willing to let Ms. Midoriya interview you.”

The kid’s sullen face lit up. “Yeah! That would be awesome! If I skip one more time then I’m gonna get fired.”

“Thank you,” Inko whispered. She stepped away with the amusement park employee. The Ferris Wheel loomed large in the background, lights flashing as it slowly turned. Distant laughter drifted on the wind and tiny figures could be made out inside. Toshinori could see absolutely nothing unusual about the amusement park ride. Except—was it turning clockwise? Didn’t that Ferris Wheel usually turn counterclockwise? Well, Toshinori hadn’t worked here in many years, he could be remembering wrong.

Toshinori felt a little embarrassed that a teenager’s All Might costume fit him. He’d always been skinny and sickly since he’d been a young child. The legs were clearly too short but the boots mostly covered that up. He went around the park handing out balloons. Before long, he only had three left.

“Ah Ma!” a tiny voice cried.

Toshinori looked over. A green-haired baby was strapped to the chest of a white-haired young man. The baby had chubby cheeks and adorable freckles that almost glowed. He waved his arms.

The white-haired man smiled. “He’s trying to say All Might. He loves that show.”

“What a cutie.” Chuckling, Toshinori walked over and peered at the baby. “Would you like a balloon, little one?”

“His name is Izuku, and I’m Yoichi Shigaraki. Whoa, did you look directly into his eyes?”

Toshinori pulled back. “I’m sorry, was that rude?” Prolonged eye contact was considered rude in some cultures, but it was odd a brief meeting of eyes would provoke such a surprised reaction.

“No, not at all, you’ve done nothing wrong. It’s just—” Yoichi hesitated. “Do you feel any existential dread? Are you dizzy?”

Toshinori laughed boisterously. “Only because it’s a bit hot in this costume.”

Yoichi smiled. “You’re a very unusual human, Great Hero.”

“I’m not a real hero! I’m not even an amusement park impersonator. I’m an agent for Child Protective Services. I’m just…helping out.” Toshinori would have felt silly explaining about the prank phone call.

“Oh!” Yoichi nodded. “You must be a priest of the god CPS, the protector of younglings. No wonder the adorable gaze that gives mortals mental scars as deep as the Mariana Trench has no effect on you.”

“Huh?” Before Toshinori could ask if that was a joke, he was distracted by a popping sound. Looking down, he saw that his last three balloons were gone. Empty strings hung from his hand.

Izuku licked his lips and giggled. Yoichi rubbed his forehead. “I apologize for the loss of your sacred items. My child is teething, and it makes him even hungrier than usual. I will pay for those.” He pulled out his wallet from…somewhere. It had almost looked like he’d pulled it out of a mouth on his hand but that must be a trick of the light.

“Oh, no need, it’s not your fault. I must have dropped the balloons.” Toshinori squinted at the blue sky, trying to see them. They were out of sight already. “The balloons are free anyway. I was almost done handing them out, so no matter.”

Yoichi said, “We, too, had nearly finished our business in this place of merriment and fake yet visually appealing magic. I only came to make sure the Ferris Wheel worked as normal after yesterday.”

“It seems to be working great, if you want to ride.” Toshinori squinted at the tiny figures inside the glass and the Plus Ultra logo decorating the center. Except the words had been written backwards. “Hmm, is it just me or did someone write Plus Ultra backwards? I don’t remember that mistake. It must have been repainted since I last came here.”

Yoichi paled. “Excuse me, I have something I need to fix.” He ran off.

Little Izuku waved over his father’s shoulder, crying, “Ah Ma!” Sharpness inside his mouth gleamed. Shadows seemed to lurk around his tongue.

Bright light drew Toshinori’s attention to something on the ground. He picked it up. It had the shape of a baby tooth, except it appeared to be a gemstone. Could this be a real diamond? He winced as it drew a drop of blood from his fingertip. A very sharp tooth, too. Just in case it was a valuable stone, he pocketed it, planning to turn it into Lost and Found.

From behind, Inko tapped him on the shoulder. “Are you done handing out balloons?”

Toshinori turned around. “I lost a few, but I think I did a decent job. I should return the costume. Did you find out anything useful?”

Inko shook her head. “The Ferris Wheel needed to be repaired yesterday, and I guess a kid used that in their prank.”

“Oh, that explains the backward letters.” Toshinori smiled in pleasure to have a normal explanation.

Checking her watch, Inko said, “I think I’ll head straight home. By the time I would get back to the office, the day would be almost over.”

“Good idea,” Toshinori said, a tad too enthusiastically. He felt relieved she wasn’t working overtime for the very first day since they’d met. After all the extra hours she’d put in, she deserved to take off early. “I have to find Lost and Found.” They said their goodbyes, then parted ways.

Inko got in her car, but instead of heading home, she put in the address of Daycare 1-A. The employee had told her about a class of very unusual babies who had visited yesterday. She was determined to investigate this lead to the bitter end. However, Inko had no intention of involving Toshinori in this. She’d done exit interviews with enough of her coworkers to believe eldritch beings just might be real. Inko would risk anything to learn the truth about how her son had died and take revenge if there was any revenge to be had, but she didn’t want to bring her partner down with her.

After pulling into the parking lot, she made sure her pocket knife was in easy reach. The daycare looked like a normal tan building with a brick entranceway and two glass doors. The purple letters over the door read: DAYCARE 1-A: ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE.” A black octopus with a million glowing eyes had been drawn after the words.

Inko’s eyes narrowed. She supposed they thought they were being funny, hiding in plain sight. She was definitely in the right place. For courage, Inko kissed the picture of her son in her wallet. Then she pulled out her ID and stepped inside.

Whether this daycare was full of eldritch horrors or not, that was no excuse not to do her job.

Aizawa walked around the room, inspecting the finger-painting drawings of the children. Each baby sat in a high chair, with paper and set of washable paint spread out in front of them. Eldritch children developed at different rates, often faster than humans, so he was not surprised to see several coherent drawings. Aizawa smiled at a picture of a field of pink flowers. “How lovely, Mina. You have natural artistic talent.”

Mina laughed and sprouted a dozen extra horns all over her head and arms. She couldn’t understand him, but she was responding to the positive tone of voice. Or perhaps she could understand—it was difficult to tell with eldritch children.

Aizawa stopped before a drawing of a black sky with white stars. “Momo, how lovely—where’s Koji?” He looked around for the boy who should be sitting next to her. “Did he float off or…oh, Momo.” When he touched the drawing, Aizawa’s hand sank straight through the paper. The other side felt damp and cold. “You’re a natural at magic, creating a portal at such a young age.” He pulled out Koji Koda by his ankle. The rock-faced baby started wailing, but Aizawa knew he was just upset that he’d been interrupted from exploring the cosmos. “There, there.” Aizawa rocked Koji. “I’d better strap you into your seat,” he muttered as he placed the baby down in his chair.

The crackling of flames came from the other end of the room. Shouto Todoroki had lit his painting on fire. Activating his erasure, Aizawa ran over. “Did you damage your clothes?” He knew the baby would be fine. Fire could not harm any of the children, but especially not this one. Shouto grinned and waved his arms, one of his sleeves singed.

Aizawa went around checking that all the children were in their seats. He had to use his hands to feel for Toru. He exhaled in relief that he had no other escapees. However, Eijiro Kirishima’s picture of a tiger had escaped the paper and eaten a pencil.

After erasing the miniature tiger, Aizawa collapsed into his chair. “I’ll clean up in a moment,” he muttered, rubbing his forehead and accidentally smearing black paint on his face. “At least the biggest problem child stayed home on finger painting day.” Izuku had been feeling unwell because of his teething so his parents had kept him home in order to dote on him. They were a bit overprotective.

A glowing cloud exploded into existence, thousands if not millions of tiny orbs swirling inside. Yog-Sothoth bellowed, “I have come to babysit.”

Aizawa’s headache tripled in intensity. “You really don’t have to. I’m an adult.”

“You’re a baby! Not even a century old!” The crackling air around Yog-Sothoth swirled, coalescing into something like tentacles.

“Please go away, I’m not in the mood to deal with you today.”

“Aw, is baby feeling grumpy? Should I put you down for a nap?”

Unfortunately that was not an idle threat. Aizawa groaned and gave up. At least Yog-Sothoth’s sense of time was so terrible that he only showed up to “babysit” once a year or so. And he didn’t ask to be paid.

A commotion coming from the front door drew Aizawa’s attention. Surely they couldn’t have a human visitor now! Not with Yog-Sothoth here! It would be a disaster. “Make yourself useful and look after the kids for me.” Yog-Sothoth could be trusted with eldritch beings, less so frail mortal ones. Aizawa leapt up and ran for the door.

Yamada stood in the foyer, facing a short young woman. She held up a badge. “I’m Inko Midoriya from the CPS. We’ve been searching for you for a very, very long time.” Her eyes blazed with determination. She did not look like she’d be easily sent away. Fortunately Yamada and his unusual powers could handle this. Aizawa ducked out of sight around the corner.

With a big smile, Yamada asked, “May I inquire what this is about?”

In a calm tone, Inko said, “We received a report that your children ate a Ferris Wheel.”

Aizawa’s fist clenched. Dammit problem child! Shouto, Ochaco, and Tenya had helped, but Izuku had definitely been the instigator.

Yamada threw back his head and laughed. “Surely you don’t believe that, little lady!”

“The name is Ms. Midoriya. I have a duty to inspect this facility.” Inko crossed her arms. “Are you going to make this difficult?”

His voice rippling with energy, Yamada said, “Leave this place and forget you ever heard of us.”

Inko glared. “No.” She pushed past him.

Aizawa gaped in shock. That should have worked! Yamada had the ability to command people and make them forget. The daycare relied heavily on his abilities to remain unnoticed. Inko Midoriya must not be a normal person.

Yamada trailed after her, shouting, “Wait! Everyone who enters the daycare has to sign in.”

Yamada must be stalling for time. Taking full advantage, Aizawa ran back to the playroom. Bending over panting, he told Yog-Sothoth, “You have to leave.”

Shadowy tendrils waved in the air as Yog-Sothoth cleaned paint off Fumikage’s feathers. “I’m helping this child of darkness complete his perfect rendition of the total despair of entropy.”

Aizawa glanced at Fumikage’s drawing. It gave even him a headache before he activated his erasure. “A human came here. It will be hard enough hiding the children from her, much less…you.”

“A mortal lives for but a blink of an eye to such as me. Tell her to leave long enough to die somewhere else.” Yog-Sothoth’s tone made it clear that he didn’t obey Aizawa or any other human.

Aizawa gritted his teeth. “She works for a local agency dedicated to the well-being of children. They search for and help children suffering from abuse. If I’m to pass as a normal daycare owner, then I can’t turn her away.”

“How wonderful! I will consult this human for help with my half-mortal children.” Yog-Sothoth floated toward the door.

“Wait! Stop!” Aizawa activated his erasure ability, but it did nothing. Deep down, he’d already known it wouldn’t work. He could stop babies, but not an Outer God.

The door opened. Inko Midoriya froze. She stared at the hovering mass of darkness. Aizawa sprang forward to catch her when she inevitably fainted. He was already reaching for his phone to call Oboro and see if they could contact Yidhra, known locally as Recovery Girl. Only her powers might stand a chance at restoring Inko’s sanity.

But Inko didn’t faint. She didn’t gibber or bleed from the ears. Her eyes widened slightly and she said in a small voice, “Oh, it was all real. All the prank calls were real. This is the legendary eldritch daycare.”

“It’s called Daycare 1-A,” Yog-Sothoth said in the slow tone of someone addressing an idiot. “Mortal, I am told that you help abused children.”

“Yes, I’m a CPS agent.” Inko handed over a business card. It was sucked into the floating mass with a horrific sound. Aizawa stared in astonishment. This woman couldn’t a regular human, yet he felt no power coming off her. When he activated his erasure, he felt no pushback.

“Let the slow decay of the universe pause to honor my joy.” From his mass of tendrils, Yog-Sothoth produced a photograph of a sullen-faced albino boy. In his arms, the boy in the picture held a mass of black tentacles with many glowing eyes and teeth coming out of strange places. “These are my twin sons, Wilbur and Yog Whateley.”

“What fine boys,” Inko said with a straight face. “I see one of them takes after their mother and one after their father.”

Aizawa was distracted by Kyoka throwing her paints. He ran to stop her, keeping a careful eye on the conversation in case Inko’s meltdown had only been delayed.

Yog-Sothoth sighed deeply. The lights overhead flickered. Outside, so did the sun. “My poor children were being abused by their mortal caretakers so I was forced to remove them from the situation and the planet. I’ve been having trouble bonding with them. They don’t trust me. Wilbur resents his twin for having greater powers. I seek the wisdom of a mortal on mortal minds.”

Inko nodded. “Abuse can warp sibling relationships. Have you considered therapy?”

“What is this therapy that you speak of?”

“Your children would meet with a licensed provider who could walk you through your family dynamics. What is your children’s current living situation? Do they have stability? How about schooling?” Inko rattled through a checklist.

While Yog-Sothoth answered her questions, Aizawa spotted Denki Kaminari summoning up lightning around his hand. With a grunt, he leapt forward in time to stop the baby from electrocuting his own chair. Then Katsuki leaned over and yanked Hanta’s hair. Hanta responded with a spew of sticky material from his mouth that Aizawa barely erased in time.

Sneaking into the room, Yamada whispered, “I called Oboro for help but he’s not home. Hey, is the CPS agent getting along with Yog-Sothoth, the Lurker at the Threshold?”

“I dunno,” Aizawa grunted. “Help me out here.” He jerked his head at Mezo Shoji, who had sprouted several hundred extra arms and was using them to swipe other children’s paints. Ochaco wailed at her loss. Every item in the room lifted in the air.

“Shhh! It’s okay!” Yamada ran to comfort her while Aizawa returned the paints.

In the doorway, Yog-Sothoth bellowed, “You are the first mortal I have ever respected. In exchange for your kindness toward my children, I will protect this world until the collapse of time itself. I must leave at once to find a therapist.” He vanished with a sound like the last breath of an old man.

Inko turned to Aizawa. “I’m ready to inspect this facility now.”

Shaking his head, Aizawa said, “That was amazing. I’m impressed.”

“It’s kind of you to say so, but I’m actually terrified.” Inko wiped her sweaty forehead. “I’m very much out of my jurisdiction. Even so, all children deserve to have someone who makes sure that they are safe, whether they are human or eldritch.”

Aizawa liked her even more for admitting to her fear. “If you faced down the Beyond One, then I’m sure you can handle my kids. Follow me.”

Together, Aizawa and Yamada showed Inko around the daycare. She cooed over the children’s drawings and she only flinched very slightly when Tenya kicked his table so hard it went through the ceiling. Gingerly, she petted Tsuyu’s hoard of frogs. She gasped at Yuga’s sparkling drawing that generated a three-dimensional hologram of a star. “Such talented children,” she murmured. “How do you handle them?”

“I have the ability to erase powers,” Aizawa said. “That’s why I’m designated babysitter for the apocalypse tots.”

Yamada added, “I can prevent mortals from seeing anything unusual. Most mortals, anyway. We also have regular lessons for the children on how to conceal themselves. They’re still very young but eldritch children are precocious. Little Rikido and Mashirao are already our best at cloaking. And no one can see Toru at all. We’re working on that.”

Inko wrote in her notebook. “And all the children are eldritch horrors?”

“All but one,” Yamada said.

Aizawa winced. “In our defense, Katsuki Bakugo seemed like something that crawled out of the depths of the void. We’ve had eldritch babies bite other kids but never before the other way around. By now he fits right in with the others.”

Inko wrote more. “What do they eat?”

“Pretty much anything, but we make sure they have a balanced diet of star material,” Aizawa said. He showed her the cafeteria while Yamada looked after the kids.

Afterward, Inko held out her hand. “This is a fine daycare doing a wonderful job taking care of babies with unique needs. I can see how much you care about your children. Clearly no one here would ever sacrifice a baby.” A shadow briefly passed across her face. “The children here are safe and loved, and that’s all that matters to a CPS agent. I’ll make certain the report is closed and direct all further calls to me so that no one bothers you again.”

“That would be for the best. Not all humans can handle this place as well as you.” Aizawa shook her hand. “Thank you. You’re just lucky the real problem child wasn’t here.” Smiling to himself, he thought that Oboro would be disappointed to have missed out on this excitement. At least it would be a fun story to tell later.

Sitting in her car, Inko quickly filed her report. She wanted to take care of it before she went home, in order to keep her promise that no one bothered the eldritch daycare.

While she typed, a very tall man with curly white hair walked past her, into the daycare. He didn’t stay long. When he left, he carried a giant sack bulging with something that clanked and glowed. From the doorway, Yamada called teasingly, “Back for more food already? I can see that your son takes after your appetite, Eternal Hunger.”

Inko froze. She would remember that name anywhere. The Eternal Hunger had been the god her ex had worshipped. The god her precious son Mikumo had been sacrificed to.

Shifting gears, Inko slammed her foot down on the gas pedal and drove after the man—no, the eldritch god.

Even though he was only walking, he moved faster than her car going a hundred miles an hour. Rolling down her window, she screamed, “Stop! Tell me what happened to my son or I’ll run you down!”

He glanced over his shoulder once, then vanished.

Inko barely had the wit to pull over before she crashed. Then she collapsed with her head on the steering wheel, sobbing.

Hisashi tossed the sack of stars in globes on the living room floor. “You would not believe the strange mortal I met today.”

Yoichi sat on the couch watching an All Might show with Izuku on his lap. They both wore All Might hoodies. Izuku sucked on a tiny ring of stars that he was using for teething. Looking up, Yoichi said, “I met an unusual man too. I think he was All Might.”

“All Might doesn’t exist, little brother.” Hisashi snorted, pleased to have one-upped his brother in human lore for once.

“That’s what you said about Santa Claus, until we saw him taking pictures with children at the department store,” Yoichi said smugly.

Hisashi changed the subject from his past mistakes. “A screaming woman threatened to kill me. It was very odd. Most mortals cry or weep at the sight of me.”

Yoichi gasped. “How remarkable!”

“She chased me down at an astonishingly fast speed for a mortal.”

“I think the human is trying to court you. According to the bible of human romance, Hana to Yume, coincidentally running into someone means they must be your destined lover. Also a murder attempt is a huge love flag. The humans call it enemies to lovers. My beloved tried to stake me and exorcise me many times in the early courting days.”

Hisashi blinked several hundred eyes. “Hmm. I am devastatingly handsome, I can’t blame any mortal for falling in love at first sight.”

“As the resident expert in human mating, I think next you’ll accidentally fall on top of her with a slice of bread in your mouth.”

Hisashi snorted. “Who got erased from existence and made you an expert in human mating?”

Flipping back his hair, Yoichi said, “Our entire family held a ceremony to celebrate my five hundred consecutive years mating with a human without driving him insane. I got a trophy.” He pointed at the silver cup sitting on the mantle. “It figures that you never bother to remember my accomplishments or my relationships.”

“You’re making that up. Even I remember that humans don’t live five hundred years. Besides I would have murdered anyone who monopolized your attention for that long.”

“We’ve been dating for multiple of his reincarnations, and you did try to kill him. You probably blacked it all out because you failed. You never remember your mistakes.”

Hisashi did have a vague memory of someone incredibly annoying with spiky hair but he decided to continue repressing that.

Tapping his chin, Yoichi said, “I nearly won another trophy for dating a human without turning him into an eldritch horror, but I did accidentally pass on my power to him once. He decided he didn’t want to be immortal so he found a dying person and passed on the power to save their life. I think I should have still gotten a trophy since he stayed human in end, what do you think?” Yoichi spoke to Izuku, bouncing the baby in his lap. Izuku giggled. “He should be due to be reborn, I should look into that.”

In order to avoid the spiky menace a little longer, Hisashi decided to distract his brother. “Weren’t you giving me love advice?”

“Oh, yeah.” Yoichi sat up straighter and tapped his chin. As Hisashi had hoped, nothing made his little brother happier than getting to act like a human expert. “Anyone who can look at you without going insane is worth giving a chance. Mortals like that don’t come along every millennium. Next time you run into your female—and you’ll definitely meet her again, it’s a trope—you should act extremely cold and aloof, then be rude to her for no reason. The shoujo heroines go crazy for that.”

Hisashi sneered. “When’s the part of this courtship process when she buys me expensive gifts?”

“You’ll be a natural at being rude, big brother.”

That Saturday, Toshinori spotted the same white-haired man standing in the pharmacy. Today, he was alone. Yoichi muttered to himself, “What in the cosmos is the difference between ibuprofen and children’s Advil?”

Toshinori cleared his throat. “Those are the same medicine. Ibuprofen is generic and Advil is a brand name.”

Smiling, Yoichi turned around. “Ah, the CPS priest! My son is teething, and his teacher recommended a painkiller. Does your divine wisdom tell you which of these weak, pitiful drugs would be superior?”

“They’re both the exact same,” Toshinori said. “The only difference is the price and the name.”

“Then I will pick whichever name I prefer. Advil sounds like devil, therefore it’s clearly a cooler name.” Yoichi selected a bottle. “Thank you for your wisdom, great priest.”

“You can just call me Toshinori. I’m not particularly wise.” Toshinori shrugged. “Although I’m told I have a knack for healing pain? I volunteer at a local nursing home and when I come, the residents always get healthier.” Toshinori stopped, wondering why he was telling this to a stranger. Maybe because this oddball didn’t seem like he’d judge anyone else as crazy. Or maybe because he got a strange sense of familiarity from Yoichi.

“Hmm, Izuku did seem happier in your presence. I suppose it’s only natural that All Might can heal, since he’s on the magical girl spectrum. The mortals used to call Recovery Girl a magical girl. Yet your aura feels more like mine.” Yoichi peered closer. “Have we met?”

“I was wondering that too. You remind me of someone.” Toshinori’s gaze became distant. “She was a hospital volunteer named Nana Shimura. I had cancer, and all the doctors said I would be dead in less than a year. But after she touched me, I completely recovered.” He waited, holding his breath, wondering if he was finally about to learn the answer to a mystery that had plagued him for his entire life.

“I’ve never heard of her,” Yoichi said. “Eh, it must be a coincidence.”

A good night’s sleep later, Inko had calmed down. She’d realized that the Eternal Hunger had probably not killed her son. The building collapse had been ruled as an accident, and her idiot ex wouldn’t have known a real outer god if it had eaten his soul. Based on the amazing powers she’d seen at the daycare, an adult eldritch horror would be far too magnificent to pay attention to a petty cult. There was a good chance that the name was all a coincidence.

Yet even so…if there was any connection to the tragedy back then…Inko had to know the truth. She put her pocketknife and pepper spray into her backpack, then headed back to the daycare. Aizawa had been a kind man, and she hoped he’d help her.

A block away from the daycare, she spotted him again: a very familiar head of hair so white it seemed to glow. This time, the Eternal Hunger carried a baby on his back.

No matter how the freckles shone and the hair sprouted tentacles, Inko would know her baby anywhere. In her shock, she nearly crashed into a tree. She slammed on the brakes, then leapt out of her car. The baby looked straight at her. Her Mikumo had the same pattern of freckles on his left cheek shaped like the Big Dipper. The Eternal Hunger was a kidnapper!

“That’s my son!” Inko shrieked, lunging. With one hand, she reached for her baby. With the other, she pulled out her pocketknife.

The universe seemed to stand still for a moment. The giant man radiated unnatural energy. To be so close to him felt as if she stood on the precipice of a black hole. Every single muscle in Inko’s body froze. Her sweat glands went into overdrive. The being before her seemed to taunt her with her insignificance. His back remained turned to her. Even if she spent her entire lifespan, she knew instinctively that she would not be able to make him look at her. Absolutely nothing mattered. The feeling of entropy consumed her mind.

Inko looked straight into the void, screamed, “Give me back my son!” and stabbed a god.

As her arm moved, she locked eyes with her son. Mikumo was wide-eyed and curious. He cooed slightly. Inko stopped. She didn’t want her son to be traumatized by stabbing someone in front of him—or, more likely, if he saw her die. The tip of her knife had already melted away.

The Eternal Hunger gasped. “You’re far too forward! At least take me out to dinner first!” A mouth sprouted from his elbow and ate the rest of her knife. Then his shadow rose up and consumed him. Both the eldritch horror and the baby vanished.

Inko curled up in a ball on the sidewalk and sobbed until she choked. She was terrified, she didn’t know what to do, but even more so, she felt overwhelming joy that her baby was still alive.

After dropping Izuku off at daycare, Hisashi appeared at home in an uncharacteristically frazzled state. Knocking on the door to his brother’s workshop, he cried, “I met her again!”

The door opened. Yoichi cackled. “I knew it! To think that you doubted my shoujo manga expertise.”

“She offered to become my son’s mother.” Hisashi shook his head. “Do all mortals move so fast?”

Yoichi shrugged. “When you only live for a blink of an eye, you need to seize the moment. Falling in love at first sight is a big trope, although sometimes it’s a red herring for the true love interest.”

“She even brought me a nice present and handfed the lovely blade to me.” Hisashi clutched the front of his suit, feeling his multiple hearts racing. “I…I think I might actually be interested in her.”

Yoichi clapped and cheered. “Big brother has his first love! I’ll completely support you.”

Hisashi rolled several hundred eyes sprouting down his body. “I’d probably be better off without your help, foolish little brother.”

“Oh?” Yoichi crossed his arms. His shadow waved a fist and growled. “If the advice of your little brother isn’t good enough, then should I call the older ones for help?”

“Don’t you dare!” Hisashi shouted. But he was too late. Yoichi had already sent out a telepathic summons across the multiverse, a whisper of a song only their kind could hear.

Cthulhu popped up from the floor, shedding scales on the carpet. “Little Hungry One has a crush! Why, I remember when you were just a wee fry bouncing around in my tentacles. Advice, hmm? You should serenade her. I’ll get Ythogtha to teach you a frog mating song.”

“Absolutely not,” Hisashi said, pushing off the scaled arm.

Hastur appeared behind Hisashi with a wicked smile. He whispered into his ear, “Rip out the sun and present it to your mortal as a present.”

Hisashi jumped and sprouted mouths all over his body. “I’m definitely not taking advice from you, peacock.”

“Then you should listen to someone more successful in love.” Nyarlathotep laughed, rich and throaty. She appeared floating in the air with her legs crossed. “Human ladies love the tentacles.”

Yog-Sothoth burst through the roof, sending down chunks of plaster. “What a happy coincidence! That female is daughter-in-law material! Do not mess this up, little one.”

“Ugh, you’re not my dad.” Hisashi threw up his hands. “And I’ve only met her twice! It’s too early to marry me off. Get out!” His shadow grew in size, chasing all the cosmic horrors out of his house. They let themselves be pushed out with one last lingering smell of ooze and unholy laughter. As his shadow worked on rebuilding the roof, Hisashi grumbled, “Fine, you’ve proven to me that you have better advice than them. What should I do?”

Yoichi grinned. “Duh! You have to ask her out on a date.”

Hisashi stared. “Like date the fruit?” His stomach rumbled. Talk of food always made him hungry. Hungrier.

“No, a date like going out for coffee!” Yoichi shook his head. “Clearly I’m going to have to walk you through this. I’ll come with you.”

Toshinori had been deeply worried by Inko’s call. She’d sounded on the edge of hysteria. Apparently her car wouldn’t start after being exposed to mystical darkness. Toshinori didn’t question her because she sounded too upset. He’d driven straight over.

Inko was sitting on a park bench, her head hanging. From her puffy red eyes, it looked like she’d been crying. Toshinori offered her a cup of coffee that he’d purchased for himself. Inko took a deep sip. “Thank you. I needed that. Sorry for bothering you, it’s just…I didn’t have anyone else to call. I don’t have any family or friends.” She sniffled.

“Hey, I’m your friend.” Toshinori patted her back. “What’s wrong?”

“I followed up on the eldritch call behind your back. Sorry. I didn’t want to put you in danger. And…You’re going to think that I’m crazy.”

“You’d be surprised the things that I’ve seen.” Toshinori’s gaze became distant. “I had some unusual encounters with a white-haired man lately, and it made me remember my childhood. I believe there are certain unknowable things.”

“A man with curly white hair and a terrifying red gaze?” Inko’s hand clenched on the cup.

“No, he had straight hair, green eyes, and seemed very nice if a bit confused.”

“Oh.” Inko’s shoulders sagged. “I saw a different man…with my son.” Her words poured out more rapidly. “They never found a body, they said everything was too crushed and there was a lot of my baby’s blood, but if eldritch powers exist then he could have survived.”

“Then do you think this eldritch man saved your son?” Toshinori asked.

“That bastard kidnapped my Mikumo!” Inko’s head shot up. Then she frowned and sank lower in her seat, considering. “Technically my ex kidnapped him to sacrifice him. But if Mikumo is still alive, then does that mean the Eternal Hunger spared him? Why?”

“I don’t know,” Toshinori said. “But someone with eldritch powers saved my life as a child.”

“The beings who I met were very kind to children,” Inko admitted. “Did I make a mistake? Maybe the eldritch one isn’t my enemy. I-I need to find him again. I have to know the truth. I have to see my son.”

Toshinori puffed out his chest. “I promise that I’ll help you even if it means searching for the rest of my life.”

This grand declaration was ruined by two white-haired men popping into existence in the middle of the park. Yoichi held Izuku in his arms. Nudging the other man, he hissed, “Big brother, hurry up and ask her! Speak fast or you’ll surely mess this up.”

The taller man cleared his throat. “My name is All for One, the Eternal Hunger, though mortals call me Hisashi Shigaraki. Go on a date with me.”

Yoichi moaned and slapped his forehead. “It’s a request, not an order!”

Hisashi frowned. “Oh, dear, she already has coffee, what else can I do for a date?”

Inko ignored both of them and ran up to the baby. She held out her arms. The shadows around Izuku ate through the carrier. Cooing, he leapt into her arms.

“My baby!” Inko sobbed. “You’re still alive!” She collapsed onto the bench. Holding up Izuku, she gazed at him with misty eyes looking at the most precious thing in the universe.

Hisashi squinted. “Trying very hard for the mother role, I see. I like how desperate you are to woo me.”

Yoichi said, “Uh, big brother? I think that’s Izuku’s progenitor. They look alike.”

Since Inko was too enraptured to pay attention to anything except her child, Toshinori cleared his throat and said, “This boy was kidnapped as a baby and sacrificed by a cult. Did you save him?”

Swiveling his head at an unnatural angle, Hisashi stared. “Who are you and why do you smell like my brother? Little brother, did you stick your power into a mortal? Even though you keep telling me not to do that!”

“Impossible, I only ever messed up once with my lover—oh!” Yoichi gasped. “You must have inherited the power that I gave to my beloved. Oh, how fascinating. And if my brother’s first love has been around you, then that explains why she isn’t fainting at the sight of us. She’s become partly immune due to exposure to you.”

“Is this why all my other partners kept quitting?” Toshinori asked. Then he shook it off. “No, that’s not important. Inko’s child is important. Please explain how you found him.”

“Some rather dreadful humans tried to murder my dear son,” Hisashi said. “I saved him by putting some of my power inside of him.”

“That’s wonderful and I’m glad you did that, but he’s Inko’s son,” Toshinori said. “You have to give him back.”

“Give back what’s mine?” Hisashi recoiled. Red eyes appeared on every part of his body. His hair stood on end and glowed. His shadow rose up like a mountain. Even Yoichi’s shadow started to thicken. Toshinori knew he ought to be terrified but for some reason the energy vibrating in the air only made him feel stronger.

“That’s all right, Toshinori.” Inko stood up. In her arms, Izuku giggled and produced a shimmering sunny ball that he tossed around. “I appreciate you standing up for me, but I can’t raise an eldritch child alone. I met over a dozen of them yesterday, and that made me realize only another eldritch being can properly look after a child with powers. It would be a disaster for both me and Izuku if I tried. The first time he ate a Ferris Wheel, I wouldn’t know what to do. But will you please let me raise him together with you?” She bowed her head.

“I think that would be a lovely idea,” Yoichi said. “To be honest, my knowledge of humanity has…holes. We could use your expertise on the subject. It wouldn’t be any trouble at all for me to create an extra wing in the house that you could have all to yourself.”

“Agreed, especially the part where my brother doesn’t know as much as he thinks he does,” Hisashi said. “Izuku clearly adores you, and if you move in with us, then I’ll change fewer diapers. Can you cook?”

“I can live with my son? That’s even better than I’d hoped,” Inko said, tears pouring down her face. “Yes, I love to cook.”

“Oh, no, she’s leaking.” Hisashi looked worried. “Does this mean I don’t get a date?”

“Not now, big brother,” Yoichi hissed.

Inko wiped her face. “Hisashi, I’m truly grateful to you for saving my son and raising him so well. He’s clearly a healthy and happy child. I don’t know much about you, but I love your parenting style. I would be happy to go on a date with you, then see where it goes from there.”

“Yes!” Hisashi pumped a fist in the air. “This love stuff is easier than I thought it would be. I think the important takeaway here is that since I’m dating Izuku’s biological mother, that makes me his real father and not Yoichi.”

Glaring, Yoichi said, “You haven’t even been on one date yet, don’t get overexcited.” Behind him, his shadow made a fist.

“Ma!” Izuku cried gleefully, then spat up a supernova. Hisashi and Yoichi spent the rest of the afternoon resetting reality.

OMAKE TIME!

Omake: Sir Not Appearing in this Fic

Aizawa: Oboro, how dare you refuse to pick up my calls when Yog-Sothoth came to visit?

Oboro: I can’t hear you if I don’t have ears.

Aizawa: Don’t you turn into a patch of haze! Get back here!

#

Omake: The Poor Bakugos

Masaru: Um, Mr. Aizawa, I’m sorry to bother you late at night…

Aizawa: Spit it out.

Masaru: Is it normal for my son to be producing knives from every part of his body? I’m worried he’s going to hurt himself.

Aizawa: (Sighs) I’ll get Oboro to teleport me over.

#

Omake: Meet Class 1-B

Oboro: My good human friend Vlad King has offered to let our kids meet his kids so they can practice socialization with mortals.

Aizawa: Does he know that we’re teaching a class of eldritch abominations?

Oboro: Uh, it’s possible he thought I was joking about that.

#

Omake: The First Date

Hisashi: (Glancing at a flashcard his brother gave him) Tell me about yourself.

Inko: I’ve dedicated my life to protecting children from abuse.

Hisashi: Child abusers taste amazing, they have this unique flavor of damnation.

Inko: I know just where to take you for dinner next time. This will be the start of a beautiful relationship.

#

Omake: The Zillionth Date

Yoichi: Lover! It’s me, your husband. What’s your name in this reincarnation?

Second: Just keep walking…don’t make eye contact with the crazy man…

Yoichi: He’s playing cold, that’s a good sign in manga.

#

Omake: Eldritch All for One Reacts to Other Universes

Hisashi: Little brother, I’m home. And I brought some Izukus with me.

Yoichi: Why are they shaking and leaking water from their eyes?

Hisashi: Well, they all came from sucky universes. In one of them, another me took over the world and brainwashed everyone. The cute phoenix was locked in a birdcage with broken wings. I found another Izuku locked up in a vault with you—yeah, I brought your human self too. There are a couple yous and some Inkos waiting outside. I got a bunch of them from bank vaults. Their pitiful states made me angry. I ate my other selves. I never knew I tasted so good.

Yoichi: I think this therapy Inko keeps talking about would be helpful for our new family members.