Chapter Text
10/15/2021, Early Afternoon.
New York City, Dimension T-772Æ.
It was the early afternoon on the 15th of October down in New York City T-772Æ, and Moe Szyslak stood there in Manhattan, beaming with absolute pride. Facing into the heart of the island borough, Moe’s Tavern had been successfully integrated into this new realm. The humble property was shrouded in an energy field which telegraphed the fact that "Moe’s" was technically still a part of Springfield, so you could walk in between dimensions just by going inside to grab a beer. That also meant he could provide respite from (god forbid) any power outages. Because of this, for the first time in many years, Moe felt emotionally ready to begin his day at work, eager to welcome any new customers from this dimension.
‘I can’t believe that my bar is finally set up in the Big Apple,’ he thought to himself with glee. ‘I mean, it’s not OUR Big Apple, but it is ONE of them! Anyways, time to open up.’
Moe then opened up a group chat with his loyal barflies(Homer, Lenny, Carl, and Barney), in order to notify them of this prestigious development.
’Hopefully, with those guys enjoying themselves at the Tavern again, I can reinforce the image that there is charm in my bar!’ thought the bartender, before remembering that he needed to get the Barflies to actually get in here! And with that, Moe popped open his IM* app to alert them.
M = Moe; H = Homer; B = Barney;
L = Lenny; C = Carl
M- Bar’s finally open. 🍺 Get your asses over here
H- I’m a little busy chatting with a new friend of mine, Moe.
C- Sorry, Moe. I don’t think Homer’s comin’ over
B- One less gawker, I guess. I think I may have a drinkin’ problem 😟
L - Seems like you’ll be one short 😔
M- Homer. Youse should bring your new pal, whoever they are. The more barflies show up? The more visitors I get! 💰
H- I’ll give you a fifth barfly, Moe Szyslak, even if it kills me! 😄 Just gotta make sure Marge won’t freak out or something.
L- It’s a lady? Oooh I can’t wait! Someone to class up the joint.
H- I don’t know about classy...
C- She must be SMOKIN’ if MARJORIE BOUVIER-SIMPSON feels threatened 🥵🔥
H- Very flattering, guys, but I’m, like, 16 years older than her, AND I’m married to Marge with 3 kids. I think you’ll like her a lot. A devilishly delightful one if I say so myself. 😈
B- Tell us more, Homer!
M- How’s bout we just let her show us herself, Gumble.
SCENE CHANGE
- SIMPSON RESIDENCE, NEIGHBOR TO THE LEFT OF THE WELLERSTEIN MANOR -
Homer Simpson grabs his favorite brown-hued “going to Moe’s” jacket off the coat rack, and he just about to leave for the tavern to pick up his “devilishly delightful” friend, but his wife catches him at the last minute RIGHT before he could exit the house.
“Homie...” Marge groaned. “You know I don’t feel good about you being out with that goth next door. Especially if alcohol gets involved.”
Homer stammered, “I’m sorry, Marge, but I need to help Moe get his business goin’ good today. And part of that entails bringing Loona.”
“But we promised Moxxie that we’d do something with him and his wife today!” recalled Marge.
“Well, on the BRIGHT side, I’m still hanging out with A demon!” Homer smugly deflected. “Sooo... can I do this for Moe? Pleeeeeeease?”
*classic Marge grumble noise*
“That means...” Homer eagerly asked.
“Loona had better choose one form and stick to it,” Marge demanded. “We don’t need anyone chopping her head off.”
“Alright then. In the case you don’t have any more things to worry about, then I’m gonna head off to Moe’s! Have a good day with Millie!”
”I just hope she can handle not having you with us,” Marge requested. “Just PLEASE let Loona’s father know where you’re taking her.”
”Good call, Marge! Love you, see you soon.”
Homer then shoots off a text to Blitzø, while walking over to the Wellerstein Manor where he was staying.
H = Homer, Ø = Blitzø.
H- Hi there, Blitz with a silent o somewhere!
Ø- Wat tha fcuk do yuo want, hummer?
H- I was wondering if your kid wanted to head over to Moe’s with me and my friends?
Ø- You realize Stolas and I are pretty much a thing now?
H- 🐺🐺🐺
Ø- OOOOHH... Still, make sure your friends keep their hands OUT of their pants
H- I don’t expect them to be into animals.
Ø- Okay lemme ask her
- FIVE MINUTES PASS -
Ø- She’s down for it. You’re in charge of making sure she gets home safe, bitch. Otherwise, you die.
H- Understood 😰
Homer then heads out to Moe’s with Loona (in her human form) in tow, to meet up with his drinking buddies. The big man decides, in his infinite wisdom, to grab the girl, double back to his house, and take the iconic pink station wagon to the bar in Manhattan, all the while telling her jack shit about where they were going.
- IN HOMER’S CAR -
"So... where exactly are we going?" asks Loona reluctantly.
"I’m helping out an acquaintance of mine with getting his bar a business boost," replied Homer, "because me being there shows that there are people who like that place. Just in Manhattan, fairly close to Times Square!"
"And HOW exactly are you gonna do that?" the disguised hellhound interjected, "by getting absolutely shitfaced? No offense, but you don’t exactly seem like the helpful type."
'Everyone’s a critic...'
"I’m just saying, the place you’re so excited about is probably just another fucking dive," continued the canine douchebag. "I mean, the owner probably LIVES in that goddamn bar."
"Loona, please. Give Moe a little respect!" Homer pleaded. "He poured his heart and soul into this bar, and he really wants that effort to pay off. Actually, speaking of Moe... We’re here!"
"Holy shit, already?" Loona bore a look of absolute shock on her face.
"If there's one thing your dad and I have in common," Homer stated, "it's that we often think that speed limits are a load of bullcrap. Now, let's greet my buds."
"Sure. Can't wait to get fucking wasted."
The two acquaintances vacate the vehicle to greet Homer's friends, who were waiting outside the bar, as it started to get a little chilly.
"Hey, guys look look LOOK, it’s HOMER!!!" Moe shouted out while pointing at the Simpson man.
"Heya, Homer!" exclaimed Lenny. "How’s it goin’ with that new... friend of... yours...?" Lenny is visibly flustered at the mere sight of Loona.
"Oh my god," Carl stated, "I was right on the money. She’s really stunning."
Homer takes the time to remind everyone of his unwavering faith to Marge. "Now, guys, it’s not-"
"Don’t worry, Homer," Moe interrupted. "Nobody needs to know about you two if you don’t want that."
"Wait no-"
"Its okay, your secret is safe with me."
"IT’S NOT FUCKING LIKE THAT, YOU GOBLIN!!!" screamed Loona. "I’M NOT HIS DAMNED FUCKBUDDY!!! YOU FUCKING CREEP!!!"
"Whoa, calm down! Let’s go inside, okay?" suggested Barney.
"Uhh, yeah, it's actually pretty chilly," said Moe, trying his best to ignore the fact that the hot goth girl just called him a goblin. "Let's head inside."
The 6 enter the bar to get themselves situated. Business is decent, what with 21 more people entering to escape the rat race even for just a moment. Everything is tranquil for half an hour before a stupid white guy named Brett tries flirting with Loona.
"Hey there, sexy..." mused Brett, "what’s a hottie like you doing in a dive like this?"
"I’m not in the mood, bitch," responded the hound girl.
Brett didn't seem to get the hint. "Can I get you anything? I’ll pay off any tab for someone as pretty as you."
"Hey, Jackass," Moe interjected, sounding more than a little upset. "She said she’s not interested."
Brett insists on hounding (no pun intended) Loona. "I didn’t ask your permission, Szyslak. Now, as I was saying---"
"Listen here, fuckboy," snarled the very angry canine. "Unless you’re offering up goth owl snatch, I’m not interested. I may swing in a manner similar to that of the state of Ohio during a presidential election, but I wouldn’t lay you if you were the last man in either Earth or the seven rings of hell."
"Now, what do you mean by that? 😏"
"It means, that if you don’t promptly FUCK OFF, then I’m gonna tear your intestines out, shove your foot through your EAR, and then I’m gonna fucking EAT your ass. The kind of "eating" where you fucking die, I swear on the lord almighty Satan himself, or my name isn’t Loona FUCKING Silverfang!!!"
Moe takes Simpson's ear, and whispers, "You didn’t tell me she was a Satanist, Homer! "
"You’ve sure got some bark on ya, 'Silverfang'," scoffed Brett, "but you sure don’t have any bite, do ya?! Imma find ways to make ya howl real good..."
Brett slaps Loona on the ass, and licks her ear, only to get a tongue full of fur. Lenny, Carl, Barney, Moe, and Brett collectively lose their shit, in that order.
"WHAT..."
"...THE..."
"...ABSOLUTE..."
"...EVERLASTING..."
"...FUCK?!?!?!"
"Yeah, that’s right, bitches. lunch is on me," Loona says with a scowl.
The girl had had enough. She shed her human façade, revealing her hellhound body. She made a low growl as her eyes were laser-focused on Brett’s quivering body. Her claws gleamed in the bar’s lighting.
"Oh, fuck... I can’t move! I ca- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH---" Brett’s last words were cut short when Loona sliced open his throat, and ripped out his trachea. The other 5 guys at the bar top, as well as the 20 other patrons within the joint stared at her with abject horror, as she threw Brett’s corpse on the counter.
"...What? You don’t want any?" Loona said with a gruesome smirk.
"You just KILLED that guy!!!" Moe was now scared shitless.
"He slapped my fucking ass. It took 4 seconds for it to stop shaking around. He asked for it... Now, if you don’t want a piece of him, I’ll just eat him myself."
Homer proceeds to whisper to the other barflies in his trademark loud whisper. "Guys, Loona’s really pissed off, we can’t leave until closing at 10pm."
Moe questioned this. "Why do I have to close at 10???"
"It's for Barney's own good," Carl said.
The 5 friends and the other patrons watched uncomfortably as Loona took around 90 minutes to fully devour Brett and pillage his possessions. Her gut looked somewhat distended for the next 10 minutes, as she did eat an entire human cadaver alone. While she did that, she took a minute to wonder if Moxxie and Millie were similarly having as odd of a time as her. All she knew, was that her day at the bar would be fairly weird.
"Jesus Fucking Christ, what I wouldn't do for a goddamn Pißwasser right now," Loona said out loud, unknowingly signing herself up to another bout of self-discovery. "You know what? I should probably call Moxxie."
UP NEXT: Marge and Millie hang out, Moxxie hangs with Sheldon and the agents, and a few angels find that their routine scouting will go to shit.
That's it for Chapter 1, and I'll see ya laters!