Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Rafael grins to himself as he plugs in the tree.  It’s a new one; they’ve finally given their older, smaller bedroom tree to Marlene for her new room.  This one is another slim pencil tree that’s pre-lit and easily plugs in--no assembly or wiring required.  The lights immediately come on, and he picks up the remote control, turning on the blinking feature.  “Yes!” he murmurs to himself in satisfaction.  “Perfect.”

After their recent move into the new place, he and Sonny both agreed it was time to get a new tree for their bedroom.  Actually, Sonny had only agreed after Rafael had said he’d take care of it all.  Sonny was working up to eighty hour weeks at times, trying to keep up as an ADA.  Rafael remembers those days, and usually he’s glad they’re just a memory.

Rafael  knows his skills are in purchasing, not in assembly or programming, and so he purchased accordingly.  Sure, maybe he spent a little more, he thinks now, but it’s worth it not to have the frustration of spending hours trying to get the lights just so, or figuring out which bulb went out and is making the entire string go down.  He remembers their first Christmas, when they’d used old, inherited lights wrapped around a real fir tree.  Sonny had insisted they do it the way his family always had, and both of them had ended up laughing hysterically, drunk off their asses, with mismatching lights thrown around a Charlie Brown stick of a tree.  That was the year they began their favorite tradition of what they fondly termed “rockin’ around the Christmas tree” but really meant fucking under it, or sometimes near it. He already can’t wait to christen this one in with his husband, in...twenty three more days.

“Cool, Papi!” Marley plops down on the bed, unaware of her interruption, and watches as Rafael  plays with the different features.  There’s even a way to turn on different carols, and the tree will blink in time with them.  He fiddles around until “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” comes on the small bedroom speakers, and the tree begins to coordinate in rhythm.  Marley chuckles aloud, and so does he, but for different reasons.

“Kinda goofy, but I still like it,” he remarks, grinning at his accomplishment.  This is gonna be a trip when we do it on Christmas Eve, he thinks as the lights chase one another.

“It’s such a dad tree,” his thirteen-year old tells him, reminding him how, according to her, he has become the epitome of a dork in the last six months, since her birthday.  “I bet you don’t have a single song on there recorded in this century.”

“Well, Miss Smarty Pants, you would be wrong,” he announces, scanning the list of songs that came with the tree.  Come on, come on... he thinks to himself, getting a bit more irritated as he realizes she’s right.  “Okay, well...I can add songs on here, anyway.  Besides, there’s nothing wrong with a little Brenda Lee, mija.  It’s classic Christmas!”

She flops onto her belly and picks up the song page he just discarded, reading it.  “Who’s Brenda Lee, anyway?” she asks, scrunching up her nose.  “Was it your favorite song or something when you were my age?”

He makes a face at her.  “I’m old, but I’m not THAT old, Marlene!  Geez!”  Tapping the paper she’s holding, he adds, “Check the year it was released.  Nowhere near my birthday.”

“Hmm...1958...how old are you again?  Like, in your fifties, right? That’s close.” Glancing at her father’s tight face, she teases, “Closer than any of my friends’ dads, anyway.”

“That is NOT true,” Rafael argues, wondering why he’s having this discussion in the first place.  “Declan Murphy has GOT to be older than me, and he’s Jesse’s father.  And, little girl, I am only fifty-one.”

“Practically a baby,” she snickers, and he tugs one of her braids in response.  “Don’t worry, Papi.  At your age, I’m impressed you could even get that tree up, never mind program it.”

She squeals and darts out of the room before he can grab her, and he collapses onto the floor by the tree.  He hates to admit she’s right, but his age is catching up to him more than he’d like.  He watches the lights for several minutes, then realizes he’s humming along to White Christmas, and feels older than ever.

***

“Look at what Papi did while you were sleeping, Mimi.”  Sonny carries the little girl into their bedroom so she can see the newest tree in the house.  He turns it on, setting the music low. She yawns and rubs her face against his shoulder, then turns to watch.

Truthfully, everything seems new these days, particularly moving to a new apartment.  After getting custody of Mimi, they’d done their best to work without a home office.  Originally, Rafael had bought their place when he was single and couldn’t imagine any circumstance in which a three bed, two bath condo in midtown Manhattan would not meet his every need.  Over time, though, he’s acquired a husband, two kids, and a dog, and the space just wasn’t enough.  He works from home quite a bit now, and Sonny needs a space at night and on the weekends to work.  As it was, they didn’t have a guest room, which had been a problem when Sonny’s dad had gotten sick and his mom needed to stay over.  But giving up the home office when Mimi arrived was the last straw.  They couldn’t possibly put a traumatized toddler in the same bedroom as her teenage sister, so they’d disassembled the office and turned it into a bedroom.  And they’d been on top of each other until they moved.  

They’ve finally settled in another midtown Manhattan condo, a larger one that’s just two blocks away from their last place but much newer.  They had a community garden at the last place, and this one does as well, plus a floor of workout equipment, including a swimming pool.  Considering Marlene’s love of water, they thought it was a terrific benefit for their oldest daughter.  And while they are still in a three-bedroom apartment, this one has a loft in the master, which they’re using as a home office.  The kitchen has a gas range, an island, and one of those big hanging storage racks above so they can always reach their pots and pans.  The girls each have their own room with an adjoining bathroom to share, and there’s a half bath connected to the large living area.  It’s got a lot of open living space, and they have a large balcony off the kitchen with room enough for all four, plus Pru, to eat outside.  For the first time, Sonny decorated their balcony this year, and Marley helped him. She loves to stop outside and look at their balcony, with the evergreen, white lights, and red bows.  “It just looks like we love Christmas,” she sighs each time, and her dads both smile when they hear her.

Mimi’s watching the tree from Sonny’s chest now, quietly sucking her thumb.  Eventually, Sonny takes a seat on the edge of the bed, enjoying the quiet of the tree and the music.  He’s thinking about all that he needs to get done this weekend, making lists in his head, when he suddenly hears, “Pah-pi do it?”

“Hmm?” he replies.

Mimi pulls back, sitting in his lap.  “Pah-pi do it?” she repeats, pointing to the tree, and Sonny smiles, suddenly remembering he’d told her that Rafael had set up the tree, and he kisses her forehead as happy notes of Brenda Lee fill the room.

“Yeah, he did!  He did a good job, huh, Meems?” He regards her as she turns to watch the tree again.  

A slow smile comes over her face as she watches, and then she says quietly, “Yeah.  Pah-pi do good job.”

Lists can wait, he thinks to himself.  I’ve got my baby in my arms right now.   He snuggles her close again and kisses her head.

***

“Did you see what your papi did today?” Sonny asks Marlene at dinner.  They’ve all had a busy day going in different directions, and have finally been able to gather over pizza.  He’s trying to make a big deal over Rafael doing the tree.  He knows he’s not home as much as he wishes he was, and a lot of home stuff is falling on his husband’s shoulders, although Rafael says he doesn’t mind.  Thinking of the tree reminded him to play Christmas music during dinner, a new habit of his, and he can’t help but remember those lights.  That thing’s gonna be awesome on Christmas Eve, he grins to himself.

Marley furrows her brow for a minute, glancing at Rafael, and then seems to understand.  “Oh!  You mean the senior tree?” she asks, and Rafael snorts.

“Senior tree?” Sonny repeats.  “What do you mean?”

“She’s referring to the fact the music is older,” Rafael clarifies.

Before Sonny can make the argument that all Christmas music is classic, Marlene adds, “Did you guys know that Brenda Lee was only twelve years old when she sang that song?  I went and looked it up.  She wasn’t even as old as me!  And they didn’t even have stuff like The Voice or American Idol back then.”  She spears a bit of lettuce from her salad, then says, “I keep telling you, I could still be a famous singer one day.”

“Tristmas tree,” Mimi says suddenly, and bobs her head back and forth to the music, smiling.

“Aw, see?” Sonny tells Marlene.  “Your sister likes the new tree.”

Mimi bobs her head back and forth some more.  “Tristmas tree wock!” she announces, waving her spoon in the air.

Rafael suddenly chuckles.  “Listen to what it is.”

“Brenda Lee!” Marley exclaims.  “It’s like we can’t get away from her!  She’s coming for me!”

“You’re outnumbered, kid,” Sonny says, then gives Rafael a high five.

“Looks like even classics can be cool,” Rafael teases her as she rolls her eyes, and the toddler next to him continues to dance in her highchair.

Chapter Text

“Please, honey...it’s okay, calm down.”  Rafael is pacing the apartment with the new baby in his arms, trying to ease her crying. It’s early December, and they’ve had a busy day--probably too busy for a little baby--and she’s tired. They decorated the apartment earlier, and it put them behind her regular schedule.  But she’s been fed now, and changed, and he’s tried to lay her down twice with no success.  Sonny’s working late tonight and it’s one of those rare evenings that he and the baby are alone.  She’s usually happy, full of smiles and giggles, especially when Sonny’s around.  Rafael’s tried not to notice the favoritism, but he swears she likes Sonny better and her eyes even narrow in suspicion when she sees her new “papi”.  “It’s okay, Marlene...shh,” he says again, but can’t help noticing his own voice is sounding strained as she continues to cry.  She’s only five months old, but tonight he feels like an epic failure.

This is what he was afraid of, what he’s always been afraid of.  Not being able to comfort his own child.  Not being able to bond with her, to calm her when she needs it, because she can see what he hides from others; that he is inherently unlikeable.

She lets out a particularly loud and distressed cry, and in a sudden moment of complete panic, he has an impulse to shake her.  Immediately horrified at himself, he carefully carries her back to her crib and gently lays her down.  Her tiny hands try to cling to his shirt, but he delicately separates them, then walks into the hallway and sinks to the floor.

Early in his career, he had a case of a single dad who was charged with manslaughter in the death of his baby son.  The infant had died from shaken baby syndrome, and the father took a plea deal.  When allocuting, the man had described how tired he was, how he had been alone after working a double shift and the baby just kept crying.  In an attempt to calm his child, he’d picked the boy up and begun to rock him.  However, the baby continued to cry.  “I don’t know why I shook him,” the man had admitted, tears streaming down his face.  “I loved him more than life.  All I wanted was for him to be quiet, to calm down, just for a minute.”  The memory of that allocution is vivid now, as Rafael sits in the hallway with his knees pulled under his chin.  He can feel his own tears cascading down his face, and he folds his arms around his legs, then presses his head down, against his forearms.

I shouldn’t have ever agreed to this, he thinks, then he’s suddenly reminded of being very young himself.  Of how he’d been playing outside and fell down, scraping his knee to where it was bloody.  He’d wandered inside, crying because it hurt.  His mami had set him on the counter to wash it off and bandage it, telling him that big boys don’t cry over such little things.  And then his papi had told him what he’d always said when there were tears--that he’d give Rafael something to cry about.  Never in a million years, Marlene, he thinks now, wiping his face.  I will never be the purposeful source of your pain.

He thinks of Sonny, and his husband’s unshakeable faith in him, and he pulls out his cell, considering his options.  As his finger moves to dial, he suddenly realizes it’s grown quiet.  The baby isn’t screaming anymore.  He stands up and peers into her room.

He can see the colorful mobile over her crib, the one he’d picked out and Sonny helped him assemble.  It has safari animals--elephants and koalas and giraffes--because he’d told Sonny that life should be an adventure.  Her little feet are kicking slightly, and he can hear soft whimpering.  He wonders if she’ll start to cry all over again when she sees him and realizes it’s not Sonny.

As he hesitantly steps nearby, she begins to cry again, but reaches her tiny arms upward, as though she needs him.  Wants him.  Do you like me, little one?  Could you love me one day? he thinks, then reaches for her, picking her up.  “Hi there, baby,” he murmurs softly, and her cries settle back to sad little whimpers.  He carries her into the master bedroom, where she usually sleeps, and lays her in the bassinet next to the bed.

She begins to fuss again slightly, until he sits on the bed and rests his palm lightly on her belly.  Rocking the bassinet with his foot and rubbing her belly in rhythm, he realizes she’s grown quiet again.  She’s not narrowing her eyes this time; instead her eyes are big and wide and focused on him, as though his every movement is important.

They watch each other silently for several minutes, eyes focused on each other, until from somewhere inside of him, he remembers the song Away in a Manger.  “Well, little one, you’ve got a bassinet instead of a manger, and I’m certainly not anywhere near as close to perfect as your heavenly Father, but I sure do love you,” he tells her quietly, smiling back at her as he watches the corners of her mouth pull up.  “Papi doesn’t always know what to do, but I promise I’ll always try.  And if I need a break, I promise to take one, then to come back and try again.  Okay, mi amour?” He gives her a shaky smile and wipes the tears from his face with the back of his hand.

As though she understands, the baby coos back at his words, and he’s reminded again of being a young boy, except this time he’s comforted by an older woman; soft around the middle with loving eyes and a happy smile.  And he quietly sings to his daughter, as Abuelita sang to him.

“Lejos en un pesebre…”

Chapter Text

“She is so adorable!” Lucy, Liv’s babysitter, fusses over Marlene, and the little girl giggles.  “You are just sweeter every time I see you, aren’t you!”  She tickles Marley in the belly and delights in the toddler’s laughter.  Sonny and Rafael glance at each other and grin.

It’s Liv’s yearly Christmas pot luck party, where everyone’s invited to drop by with a dish and hang for as long as they want.  Noah and Jesse are currently chasing one another in circles around the couch, along with a couple other kids Rafael doesn’t recognize, and he knows it’s just a matter of time before Marley is trying to keep up with them.  Jayden is on the floor laughing and waving every time the kids pass him, and Fin is keeping a close eye.  Liv invites almost everyone in her life to this thing, and every year Rafael finds he meets somebody surprising.  Last year, he met a woman who used to be a yogi but was starting a new women’s sex toy brand.  There hadn’t been enough scotch to get him through that conversation.  Sonny, though, took the woman’s name, number, and website, and contributed to her kickstarter campaign.  “You’re not even female,” Rafael had argued when he’d made the donation.  “It doesn’t work with your...parts!”

“But it works with women’s parts, and who knows, Rafi?  Maybe it’ll be important to some woman who needs it.  You know, provide the stress relief you and I take for granted.  Stop laughing! ”

By the time the sun sets, Rafael’s chatted with a school crossing guard, the neighbor two floors up, Stan from security at the station, and a quirky young teenage girl with an incredible talent of recalling lyrics from musicals.  “Nice chatting with you!” he calls after her as she gets up to leave with her dad.  He reaches down to grab the little girl who’s toddling up to him, whining.

“What’s wrong, Miss Marley Mae?” he asks, scooping the toddler into his arms, and she starts to sniffle.

“Pah-pi,” she whines tearfully, and he knows she’s worn out.

A year ago it would have taken him longer to figure it out, and she would have had a complete meltdown, much like Jayden is having right now.  He pulls Marley up so she can rest her head on his shoulder and pats her back just so, the kind of pat that encourages her to settle down and relax.  A moment later he hears the soft suckle of her sucking her thumb, and he stands to head over to Fin.

Fin’s on the couch, trying to bounce Jayden up and down in what looks to be an uncomfortable position--the same kind of position Rafael’s almost positive he used countless times with Marlene before he learned better.  “Come on, lil dude,” Fin mutters.  “Give your old granddad a break.  You’re makin’ me look bad in front of the smart guy.”

Rafael laughs.  “Did you miss me at this party last year?” he asks.  “I took three parenting classes in the last year to learn how to do this.”  He nods toward the sleepy toddler in his arms.  

She’s not quite out, but it’s clear she isn’t going anywhere, anytime soon.  “It’s the way you’re holding him,” Rafael advises, and Fin looks at him with an expression of freakish curiosity.  “See, if you rest him up on your shoulder like this, it’ll help him settle down.  He’s also small enough that if he wants to lay like that, horizontal, you can stand up and swing him back and forth.  That’ll settle him, too.”

Fin eyes him skeptically.  “You sure?” he asks, and at Rafael’s nod, he stands up.  Keeping Jayden horizontal in his arms, he starts to swing him back and forth slowly.

“Now turn from your middle, but keep your feet still.  Don’t make him go up and down, only side to side.  There...that’s  it...you’ve got it!”  

Fin’s watching his grandson intensely as he swings him back and forth.  The baby’s screams settle to cries, and then to whimpers.  After a moment, he’s quiet, and Fin’s mouth curves into a smile. 

“Give him a couple minutes like that, and then slowly bring him back toward you, and you can lay him on your shoulder,” Rafael directs, and Fin takes his time following the directions he’s been given.  At last, he lays the baby against his shoulder again, and Jayden snuggles in, asleep.

“Damn, man...I had no idea you were the baby whisperer,” he mutters, and Rafael has a sudden flashback to hiding in the hallway after having the impulse to slap his screaming baby.

It’s been a year, but for a second, he can feel the panic course through his body yet again.  He remembers sitting in the hallway outside her bedroom, crying alone; he remembers finally calming, picking her up, and swearing to her he would never, EVER be his father.  And he remembers cradling her gently, singing her lullabies, and confessing his darkest fear to his husband a few hours later.

That conversation had led to parenting classes, a daddy and me class, and extra support from their families for awhile.  He’d even seen a therapist for a few months, just to be sure that he wasn’t a threat to their daughter.  That was months ago, and thank God, he’s never had the impulse to strike her again.  He’s been told it can and might happen, but now he knows what to do--step away, calm down, call for assistance--and he feels more confident that they’ll both be okay.

“I took some classes,” he confesses to Fin now, half smiling with just a bit of pride in how far he’s come.  “They taught me more about how to read her signals and what she likes.  They don’t have any other way to communicate, you know?  So you have to listen to their cries, watch their faces, read their motions.”  He nudges Fin.  “You’ll get it.”

“If you say so, man.”  Fin’s gently patting Jayden’s back now.  “All I want is that he doesn’t cry when he sees me.”

Rafael snorts.  “I hear you there.”

Sonny joins them then, extending his arms to take Marley, and Rafael hands the now sleeping child over.  “Hey Carisi, you didn’t tell me this guy was the baby whisperer.  Knew exactly how to get Jayden to calm down.”  Fin shakes his head again as Sonny beams at Rafael.

“Yep, he is,” Sonny brags.  “He’s worked hard at it too.  Listen to Rafael; he’ll teach you all you need to know.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Rafael says, but inside he’s feeling more confident than he ever has.  Last year, he was afraid this baby might never love him.  This year, he’s one of her favorite people.  And he’s mighty proud of it.

Chapter Text

“I need your help and I’m willing to pay you.”  Sonny pulls Marlene aside, hoping his teenager will be more inclined to help if he adds a little cash incentive to her day.  “I need to go pick up a couple of things at the mall--”

“I’ll go!” Marlene volunteers quickly.  “I can do it for you, if you want.”

“Uh, no.”  Shooting her down quickly, he watches as she crosses her arms and takes on a look of skepticism.  “I had thought maybe the three of us could go together, since Papi’s working today, and you could hold onto Mimi in her stroller for me while I run into a few stores.  It won’t take long,” he adds, praying he’s right.  “I just need to pick up a couple things I’ve ordered.  They’ll go back on the shelf if I don’t get them today.”

Eyeing him critically, she asks, “What does it pay?”

“If you’re cooperative? Ten bucks, plus Starbucks.  If you’re not, nothing.  We’ll just stay here and I’ll just do delivery.”  He gives her a sappy smile as she makes a face at him.  “Up to you, love.”

Marley knows who butters her bread.  “Okay, Daddy.  I can help you, I guess.  She’s gonna stay in her stroller, right?  I’m not gonna have to chase her down, right?”

Mimi is not fond of strollers and would much rather be on her own two feet, exploring wherever they take her.  They’ve tried holding her hand and letting her walk, but she lets go easily.  And she’s quick.  The whole family has learned the stroller is a necessity with their young adventurer.  “She will definitely be in the stroller the whole time,” Sonny promises.  “Unless she’s figured out how to get out on her own...so make sure you keep her buckled in it, okay?”

“Got it.”  She gives him two thumbs up, then steps into the front room, where Mimi is playing with her mega blocks.  “Hey Mimi, wanna go to the mall with me and Daddy?” Marley asks, trying to sound excited.

Mimi shakes her head.  “No.”  She stands up and holds her arms out as Marley helps to put her coat on, and lets her older sister seat her into the stroller.  The mall is only a block away, so they’ll walk.  Marley buckles her in, as Sonny grabs his wallet, then checks behind his kids.  “Buckle looks good, dolly.  Thanks for the help.”

“No,” Mimi answers, as though he were speaking to her.

Sonny and Marley look at each other and snicker.  Mimi’s favorite word has been “no” as long as they’ve known her.  “Sure thing,” Marley replies, patting her dad’s back and following him out the door.

***

“Ou Sah-do?” Mimi asks for the umpteenth time, holding both hands out and looking all around her.

Marley’s very skilled in interpreting Mimispeak, so she understands her sister’s question of ‘where’s Soleado’ easily.  Rafael’s nickname for Sonny is Soleado, and when she first came to live with them, that’s what Mimi began calling Sonny.  “He’s in the store, Mimi.  Remember?” she answers, looking up from her phone.  Marley is sitting on a bench outside of a handful of busy stores, with Mimi’s stroller facing her.

A moment later, Mimi pipes up again.  “Ou Pah-pi?” Once again her little hands go out, and Marley smiles in relief.  Until a month ago, Mimi called Papi “Peepee” and there was nothing any of them could do to convince her otherwise.

“He’s at work, remember, Mimi?  He said bye bye to you this morning and gave you a kiss?” 

Mimi looks at her and grins before answering her typical.  “No,” she says, giggling.

“All right, girls!  Time to move on,” Sonny announces, motioning for Marlene to follow him.  He’s got such long legs that she gets irritated with how fast he goes.

“Daddy, slow down!” she calls, and he stops walking.  “You’re like a freaking giraffe,” she tells him, and then laughs when he rolls his eyes.

“Hi Sah-do,” Mimi says when Marlene stops pushing her stroller again and settles on another bench.

“Hi, Mimi love,” Sonny says, leaning down and kissing her cheek.  She wasn’t always such a fan of him, and he is determined to make sure she knows he adores her.  Looking at his older daughter, he adds, “Be back in just a minute, okay?” Forgetting himself, he kisses her cheek as well, and she pulls away quickly.

“Daddy, gross!” she whines, wiping her cheek as though he has cooties.

He can’t help but chuckle at her melodrama.  “Sorry, I forgot.”  She waves him off and goes back to her phone.

A moment later it starts again.  “Sissy...sissy!”

“What, Mimi?”

Her brown eyes are big and happy.  She loves this game.  “Ou Sah-do?”

Marley sighs.  She hopes Jesse isn’t waiting for her to text back anytime soon.  “In the store, remember?”

The little girl giggles.  “No.”

Mimi repeats her question a few more times before finally settling in and looking around her, and Marley tries to finish the text she was writing. Marley’s halfway through her text when she hears again, “Sissy!  Sissy!”  But this time the hook is different.  “Ou dat guy?”

Her question catches Marley off guard.  “Who’s what guy, Mimi?” Looking around, she notices kids and adults in the typical line, waiting to see... oh.  THAT guy.

Mimi wiggles in her stroller and points excitedly toward Santa.  “Sissy...DAT GUY!”

There’s no mistaking the fact she’s pointing to the one and only Santa Claus.  “That guy’s Santa Claus,” she tells her little sister.  “He’s gonna bring you presents on Christmas, but only if you’re a good girl.”  Thinking about all the mischief Mimi tends to get into, Marley adds, “A very good girl.”

Mimi is watching him with wide eyes quietly as child after child climbs into his lap.  “No,” she says slowly, and Marley snickers under her breath.  “Sissy...what dey do?”

“Who?” Marley asks.  “The kids?  They’re telling him what they want for Christmas, so he can bring it to them.  Like dolls or mega blocks and stuff.  This year, he’s gonna bring me a new kindle, I bet.  I want one, plus I’ve been a really good girl.  I help Daddy and Papi, and I try to never tell them ‘no’.”  The teen grins at her own cleverness, but her little sister seems unaware.

Mimi’s eyes are still huge, carefully watching the boys and girls around the man.  “Sissy!” she suddenly announces loudly, “Meemee go!  Meemee see Santa Taus!”

Marley sees her dad leaving the store and shoves her phone back into her pocket.  “Not today,” she tells Mimi.  “Trust me, Papi’s gonna want to be here when that happens.  But if you want to see Santa, we can tell Daddy, and he and Papi will bring you one day.”

“NO!” Mimi yells, then points at Marley. “NO, Sissy!  Meemee see Santa Taus!”

“Ooh.”  Marley shakes her head and crosses her arms.  “Keep that up and Santa’s not gonna bring you anything.  No dollies or megablocks at all.  You have to be a good girl ‘cause he’s watching you all. The. Time.”

Mimi points at her sister again and her mouth opens, but Marley points back and says, “You better be good, or he won’t bring you presents…”

The toddler deflates, sinking back into her stroller, pouting.  “No,” she says again, to nobody in particular, just as Sonny approaches them.

“Okay girls, ready to go?” he asks.  “What’s wrong, Mimi love?”

“Mee mee good girl,” she tells him.  “Meemee see Santa, Sahdo?”

“You ARE a good girl,” Sonny fusses over her, kneeling next to her stroller and kissing her cheek.  “Such a patient girl, aren’t you?  Tell you what, Papi and I will bring you back to see Santa Claus very soon, but right now we’ll stop at Starbucks and get everyone a treat, all right?  Would Mimi like some apple juice?  A snowman cookie for my littlest love?”

Miimi gives him her biggest smile and nods quickly.  “Meemee GOOD girl!” she announces loudly, then looks at her sister and repeats herself.  “Meemee GOOD girl.”

Marley rolls her eyes.  “Boy, are you wrapped,” she tells her dad as they make their way to Starbucks.

“Tightly with a bow,” he agrees.

“Bye bye Santa Taus!” Mimi calls from her stroller, waving at the crowd of people.  “Bye bye!  Meemee tome see you!”  She blows kisses as Marley rolls her stroller through the crowd, into the line for coffee.

Chapter Text

“So here’s the things you’ll need,” Rafael tells Marlene, handing her a small bag.  “Your dreidel and your gelt are in there.  I can tell the applesauce is almost done.”  He smiles at his daughter, then tugs a braid.  “Do you need anything else from me?”

Marley’s stirring up the batter for the latkes.  “I don’t think so,” she tells him.  “These are gonna be ready to cook soon, and Daddy said he’d help me if I need it.  Jesse and Aaron are gonna be here in a half hour or so, and then everyone else’ll come.”

“Okay.  Just let me know if you need anything,” he says, starting to head toward the bedroom.  He stops, then turns toward her again.  “And mija, I’m really proud of you.”

She stops stirring and looks at him.  “Thanks, Papi...I just wish everyone was nice, you know?”

He sighs heavily.  “Me too, princesa.  Me too.”

On occasions like this, he’s never quite sure how to feel.  When Marley had come to him with her idea the other night, he felt immensely proud as a parent, but devastated as a minority.

“Hey Papi,” she’d greeted him, sitting on the edge of his bed.  They were both in their pajamas and he was reading.  Sonny had gone out for a beer with their friend Isaac.  “Can I talk to you about something?”

“Sure.”  He put his book down and took his glasses off so he could see her more clearly.  “I thought you were already in bed, mija.”

She shook her head.  “Would it be okay if we had a little Hanukkah party here?”

He’d been completely surprised.  He’d educated her about Hanukkah, but she and Sonny were practicing Catholics.  “Well, I don’t know...usually Jewish people have Hanukkah parties, honey.  It’s kind of disrespectful to have a party for a religion we don’t practice…” Seeing her eyes cast downward, he asked, “Why did you want to have a Hanukkah party?”

She began to fiddle with the edge of her tee shirt.  “There’s this kid, Aaron.  He’s in Jesse’s class at school.  I don’t know him very well but she says he’s nice.  He’s Jewish.”

He bit back a smile.  Did his twelve-year old have her first crush?  “And you want to have a party where he feels comfortable?”

She smiled awkwardly, but he could tell something was off.  “The other day when school was over, Jesse heard some kids making fun of him.  They called him a kike.”  She met his eyes.  “I know how it feels to have people say my dads are fags.  And...other stuff…”

For a second, he desperately wanted to know what “other stuff” included.  Had somebody called her names?  Targeted her race?  He swallowed hard.  “Okay.  Tell me about what you need for your party and what you’re imagining.”

She did, and it was a simple but sweet plan.  She’d serve latkes with homemade applesauce and sour cream and they’d play dreidel.  It reminded him of the night they’d spent with Gina and her boyfriend Joseph a couple years ago.  She planned to only invite a handful of kids, and only ones she knew were open-minded.  “I promise we’ll behave and I’ll clean up after,” she told him, and he felt a lump in his throat.

“Sounds good to me,” he told her, “and I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say it sounds good to your daddy, too.”

“I think she’s ready for you to help with the latkes,” he tells Sonny, toeing off his shoes by the dresser.  “That’s all she’s got left.  The applesauce smells incredible.”

Sonny grins, standing up.  “Yeah it does,” he agrees.  “Gina got me Joseph’s recipe.”

Rafael smiles at him.  “You know, I’m proud of her every day.  But when I see her living the values we think are so important...actively doing the right things, trying to purposely heal and love others who are hurting...it kind of takes my breath away, you know?”

Sonny steps close and hooks his thumbs into Rafael’s belt loops.  “I do.  I used to feel that way watching you try cases.  It may have been romanticizing a bit, but it’s no question to me where she gets it from.  She’s got a papi who encourages her to put that kindness streak to good use.”

“It’s not just me,” Rafael corrects him.  “She’s got a community of people who love her and believe in her, including you.  Every time I feel like giving up on this world, I look at that kid and think, the fight for good isn’t over yet.”

Sonny brushes his lips over Rafael’s.  “Not as long as my family is breathing, it isn’t,” he murmurs, grinning.

***

“So how’d you think it went, mija?” Rafael asks her later that evening, after everyone has left.

A handful of kids showed up, and they seemed to have a good time.  Joseph, Gina’s boyfriend, also came by.  He chatted with Aaron for a bit, and gave two thumbs up on the applesauce.

“It was good,” she says.  “I kinda wish we had more kids, but at the same time, I don’t.  I think Aaron was really happy and had a good time.  He really liked talking to Uncle Joseph.  And he told me thanks, and that I was cool.”  She smiles at the memory, then sticks the sour cream back in the fridge.  “Papi, do you know that ‘kike’ literally means ‘circle’, because that’s how some Jewish people signed their names when they immigrated to Ellis Island?  I don’t understand why people are so mean.  Who cares how they signed their names?”  Seeing his expression, she answered his unspoken question with, “I googled it.”

“All I can say is that stuff like that almost always comes from ignorance and fear, mija.  But the world has people like you in it.  You, who are kind and smart and trying to spread that kindness to people who need it.”  He wraps his arms around her, squeezing tightly.  “That’s what God would do, whether you’re Christian or Jewish.”

“I love you, Papi,” she tells him, squeezing back. 

Chapter Text

“Papi?  Which one is the Star of Bethlehem?” Marley asks.

The three of them are on the rooftop of their building, sitting on a bench in the community garden and watching the night sky.  Every once in awhile, a snowflake or two falls, distracting Marley from the stars; otherwise, she’s focused on trying to find the very brightest one.

“I think it’s the North star, mija,” Rafael tells her, pointing to the brightest star he sees, and she looks in the general direction of his finger.

“Why’s it still there, if Jesus was already born a long time ago?” she asks, and both she and Rafael turn to look at Sonny.

“I don’t know!” he tells them, flustered.  “Why’s everyone looking at me?”

“Cause you’re the God daddy,” Marley says as though it’s obvious, and Rafael grins.

“Yes, Sonny.  You’re the God daddy,” he echoes, reaching behind his daughter and poking his husband in the side.

“That means he knows more about God than you do, Papi,” the seven-year old tells him, a serious look on her face.  “I don’t think you’re supposed to be so happy about that.”

“Oh,” Rafael replies, sighing.  “I’ll try to humble up.  Sorry.”

Sonny chuckles as Marley snuggles closer to Rafael.  “It’s okay, Papi.  You’re the daddy who speaks Spanish, and that’s important, too!”

Rafael wraps an arm around her and Sonny reaches over, playing with her braids.  “Maybe that star is there to keep reminding us,” he says.  “You know, so we don’t forget about Jesus and how he came to live here.”

“You might be right, Daddy,” Marley says quietly.  “Hey, what do you think would happen if we followed that star now?  What if it’s over some other baby’s crib right now?  Would that baby also be God’s baby?”

“That’s a very good question,” Rafael tells her.  “Did you know that all babies are God’s babies?”

She sits up and looks at him, startled.  “They are?”

“Mmhmm.  We mommies and daddies here on Earth just get to borrow them for awhile.  We take care of them until they grow up, but God tells us we are all His children.”

She watches his face carefully for a moment before turning to Sonny.  “Is that true?” she asks, and Sonny nearly laughs out loud at the eye roll Rafael gives.

“I think so,” he tells her.  “And Papi’s right.  It says so in the bible.  Babies aren’t objects; they’re people, so we don’t own them, and I think it takes a lot of people to raise a baby. There was a writer named Kahlil Gibran who once wrote, ‘Your children are not your children.  They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.’”  That’s a way of saying that our world is made to want to continue--that everything alive wants to continue living by having babies, and it’s more complicated than a baby just having a mom and a dad.  Some people believe that God’s a heavenly Father.  There’s also a saying that it takes a village to raise a child.  What do you think, dolly? Do babies need more than a mom or a dad?”

Marley is quiet for several moments, tapping her chin lightly.  “Hmm,” she finally says, “I think it’s nice to have lots of people who love you.  I’m happy I got two daddies.  Know what?  Sometimes I feel sad for other kids who only get one dad.  And like Noah?  He don’t even got one dad...but I guess he’s got God as a daddy, right?  Miss Coleson says you gotta trust God, ‘cause he’s always lookin’ out for you.  Just like a good earth daddy.”

Rafael nudges her.  “Who’s Miss Coleson?”

Sonny grins at him.  “It’s her Sunday school teacher.”  Turning back to his daughter, he adds, “That sounds pretty smart to me.”

She smiles at Sonny for a minute before her brow starts to furrow again.  “Guys, I got one more question, though...don’t it make you sad you don’t got your own baby?  That you always gotta share me with God?”

Sonny’s and Rafael’s eyes meet over their little girl’s head.

“Not me,” Rafael tells her.  “I’m so glad God shared you with me.  You were Hiis baby first, before you were born.”

“And this I was Corrine’s baby!” she interrupts happily.  “And now I’m yours, Papi!  And yours too, Daddy!”  Marley looks up at Sonny’s face and she grins.  Turning her attention back to the 

sky, she says, “I bet I had a star the night I was born, too.  I bet every baby has one.”

Sonny tightens his arm around her.  “Maybe so, dolly,” he sighs, looking up at the stars again.  “Maybe so.”

Rafael catches his husband’s hand and kisses the knuckles gently, then reaches over to play with his daughter’s braids.

Chapter Text

He sank down next to the gravestone, and took one mittened hand to dust away the snow by his abuelo’s name.  Juan Eduardo Diaz, it said, and Rafael remembered how Abuelo would tell him how proud he was that they shared the middle name, Eduardo.  “You’re gonna do great things that make me proud, Rafi,” his grandfather told him often.  “You’re an American.  You can do anything.  You can have the American dream, nieto!”  Rafael smiled, thinking of how happy it made Abuelo to imagine him successful.  

He missed Abuelo more than he could say.  He loved his abuelita tremendously, but she wasn’t a man.  His papa was a man, but not the kind of man Rafael wanted to be.  Papi spent as much of his time drunk as he did sober, and he was never very helpful with homework or things that Rafael liked, like music or dancing or even writing stories.  But Abuelo?  He could read in three languages, and he’d told Rafael all about things like plays and musicals, and places like the LOuvre in Paris, and the Prado in Madrid where you could see famous artwork.  Abuelo had books with photographs of art, and sometimes he carefully opened them and let Rafael see.  

Abuelo worked hard for his money, helping out at the butcher shop two streets over.  But when he and Abuelita had a little extra, sometimes Abuelo would take him to special places like the MOMA or even to a play.  For his eleventh birthday, he and Abuelo took the bus to Washington DC for the weekend.  They stayed with a friend of Abuelo’s, and Abuelo took Rafael to the Smithsonian, where he saw a dinosaur and an airplane.  They went to the Capitol building and even stood outside of the White House.  They saw the Jefferson memorial and the Washington memorial, and a pool that was very long and very clear.  And on Saturday night, they wore their nicest clothes and went to a place called the Kennedy center, and they saw Mozart’s The Magic Flute.   Rafael had never seen or heard anything so beautiful as what he saw and heard that weekend.

Sometimes Abuelo and Abuelita would turn on their record player and play music from Havana, and Rafael would clap while they danced.  Then Abuelo taught him how to ask for a turn:  to approach and bow, to kindly ask, ‘may i have this dance with the lady, sir?’, before turning to her and asking, ‘ma’am, may I have this dance?’  Abuelita would always curtsey and say yes, before she’d whirl him around the kitchen, laughing, and Abuelo would clap along.

Nobody would clap along anymore while he and Abuelita danced.  Not that it mattered lately; ever since Abuelo got sick, Abuelita hadn’t felt like dancing.  Her pretty dancing shoes, the ones from Cuba, sat undisturbed in the bottom of her closet.  Rafael wondered if she would ever want to dance again.

A few weeks after his birthday this year, Abuelo got very sick and couldn’t get out of bed.  Abuelita took him to the hospital, but the doctors there said they couldn’t make Abuelo any better.  He had cancer and it was everywhere, and he would be dead before Christmas.

And he was.  He died on November 23, 1982, just after Rafael turned twelve.  A month ago yesterday, Rafael counts, wishing more than anything Abuelo would be there for Noche Buena again.  Abuelo always told the best stories and poured the best drinks and sang the best songs.  

“There you are, nieto.”  Abuelita approached him, pulling her sweater more tightly around her.  “You know, it's going to be time to celebrate soon.”

“I know,” he replied.  “How did you find me, Abuelita?”

She smiled, and for the first time that day, Rafael’s stomach felt warm.  “You and I both miss Abuelo today, Rafi.  I thought you might be talking to him.”  She took a step closer, reaching out to touch the headstone.  “Abuelo loved us so much, Rafi,” she said, and he could see her eyes shimmer with unshed tears.  “He would not want us to be sad tonight.  He would want us to tell his stories, and sing his songs, and celebrate all of the gifts we have.  Do you think you can do that, nieto?  For Abuelo?”

Rafael nodded.  For Abuelo, he could do just about anything.

Taking Abuelita’s hand, they began the walk back to her home, and a new kind of Noche Buena.

***

“Wow,” Marley says quietly, as Rafael finishes his story, “Abuelo sounds so amazing.  I’m so sorry he died.  You were my age, huh?”

“I was,” he confirms, feeling Sonny wrapping an arm around him from the other side.  “So what do you think about your first semi-Noche Buena, mija?  Different than we’ve done before, but it’s special.”

They’ve stayed up late tonight, having their first official Noche Buena.  Marley had asked questions about it a month or so ago, so they decided they’d try the traditions of Rafael’s childhood.  They feasted on pork, black beans, white rice, and plantains; they danced and sang and told stories from their childhoods.  And Rafael told his twelve-year old about the year he turned twelve, and losing his precious Abuelo.

“Do you still miss him, Papi?” she asks, and Rafael lets himself relax against the man behind him as he answers her.

“Of course.  And sometimes, very much.  My own father wasn’t a very good dad, but Abuelo loved me for who I was, and he wanted to share with me everything he loved, also. Our relationship was special.”  He smiles now, reflecting on how special he always felt in Abuelo’s presence.  How accepted.  How loved.

Marley curls up closer to him, resting her head on his chest.  “Thank you for sharing Noche Buena with me, Papi.  And your stories about Abuelo.  I feel special now, too.”

Rafael rubs her back gently.  He’s pretty sure Abuelo’s wishes have come true, that he’s become the man his grandfather had hoped he would be; a man who is cultured and kind, who loves his family, and adores his child.

Yes, Abuelo would be proud.

Chapter Text

“Hold on, Santa Taus!  Meemee tomin’!”

Rafael can’t help but burst into a grin when he hears his littlest daughter calling out to the old man a few yards away from him.  Sonny is barreling through the mall to meet him, pushing Mimi’s stroller at top speed.  “Looky there, Mimi!  Is that your papi?” he asks the toddler, who’s already giggling.  “There he is!  He’s holding our spot in line!  Woo-hoo!”

She squeals loudly as he pulls the stroller close to his husband and stops it.  “Hello, my love!” Rafael greets her, bending down and unfastening the seatbelt.  

“Pahpee, we see Santa Taus!  Meemee gonna see Santa Taus!  An’ he give Meemee toys!  He give Meemee ALL da toys!”  She stretches her arms out wide, and he chuckles as he scoops her up.

“You think so, huh?” he asks, and she nods excitedly, before pointing to a little girl in line ahead of them, holding a princess doll.

“Dat MeeMee’s doll?” she asks Rafael, and he kisses her cheek.

“No, nina querida (darling girl), that’s not yours,” he answers as the child with the doll eyes them suspiciously.

Mimi’s resting one finger on her bottom lip as she watches the little girl.  “No,” she says, shaking her head, and the little girl pulls the doll into a tighter embrace.

Just then, the air splits with a child’s scream.  Looking ahead, Sonny and Rafael can see a child trying desperately to escape Santa’s lap--and failing.  Her parents are chuckling, taking pictures with their own phones, as Santa poses with a happy smile and his assistant takes the “official” photos.

“I...would... never ,” Sonny seethes under his breath, as Rafael pats his arm.

“Calm down, Soleado...remember when I brought the princesa?  You weren’t here, but she wouldn’t let go of me to save her life--”

“Yes, which is why we have a Santa picture with both a two-year old AND her father,” Sonny reminds him.  “If she cries, I’ll go with her.”

Mimi looks from Rafael to Sonny to the little girl who’s now back with her parents and trying to catch her breath.  “No,” she says sincerely, shaking her head.

They both look at her for a moment.  “I think it’s more likely that he’ll cry, Sonny.  Right, Mimi?” Rafael teases.  Sonny raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t answer.

A few (okay, several long) minutes later, it’s their turn.

“All right, folks.  It’s your turn, sweetie.  You want your daddy to bring you to Santa?” A kind woman dressed as an elf speaks to Mimi, who shakes her head.

“No...Pahpee!” she says, but at the same time pushes herself away from Rafael’s body, so he sets her down on the floor.  She immediately toddles over to Santa, who looks all kinds of relieved that this one isn’t crying, at least.

“Hi there, little one!  Can I help you there?” he asks, reaching down for her.

“No,” she tells him.  “Meemee do it.” She proceeds to climb up his leg and into his lap, as Rafael stands with one hand under her rear to make sure she doesn’t fall.  She perches herself in Santa’s lap as though she’s done this a thousand times, and when Rafael glances at his husband, he’s thrilled to see Sonny is recording the whole thing.

“Well hello there!” Santa greets her.  “Aren’t you a pretty thing?  What’s your name, honey?”

Mimi tilts her head, watching him.  “No,” she says, then pats his beard.  “Santa Taus.”

“That’s right,” he chuckles deeply, and Rafael’s impressed at the authenticity of the laugh.  “I’m Santa Claus.  I’m glad you came to see me today!”

She nods.  “Meemee see Santa Taus!  Santa...Santa Taus give Meemee ALL da toys!”

Santa chuckles again.  “I’m going to give you ALL the toys?”

She pauses for a minute.  “Yeah,” she replies, then looks around.  “Where da toys, Santa Taus?  Where all da toys?”

Sonny’s laughing with several other parents as he splits his recording time between his determined daughter and his facepalming husband.

“I didn’t bring them with me today...what’s her name again?” Santa leans toward Rafael.

Rafael lowers his hand from his forehead.  “Uh, Mimi,” he offers.

“Meemee!” the little girl declares, pointing at her chest, before turning and pointing to her dads.  “Pahpee...Sahdo…” She turns back to the man of the hour.  “Santa Taus!  But no toys.”

“You know what, Mimi?” Santa says, pulling her closer, “If you are a very good girl, and I know you are, Santa will bring you a toy on Christmas Eve when you go to sleep!  Are you a good girl?”

She looks at him and furrows her brow.  “No.”

“Oh, I bet you are.  Can you be a good girl?  Santa will bring you a toy if you’re a good girl!”

One index finger makes its way to her bottom lip.  “Otay.”

“Okay.  And what would you like me to bring you?  Which toy?”

She grins again and laughs.  “ALL da toys!”

He laughs too.  “No, only one...what would you like?  A dolly, or a book, or--”

“Knuffle bunny!” Mimi announces loudly, to the surprise of both of her dads.

“A knuffle bunny!” Santa exclaims as though he’s uncovered the secret to the pyramids.  “Wonderful!  Let’s take a picture for my elf, Miss Trina!  Right there, honey!”  He points at the camera, and when Mimi’s eyes trace his arm’s trajectory, three quick snaps follow, and she’s done.  “Thank you, honey!  Have a Merry Christmas, Mimi!”  Leaning toward Rafael, he says, “She’s quite the negotiator...you or your husband must be a lawyer!” Santa chuckles at his own joke, then quickly moves her off of his lap.

“Oh, that’s a good one!” Rafael laughs with him, then scoops Mimi up before she can either object or run. “Thank you, Santa!” he calls, noting that Sonny is over dealing with the elf so he doesn’t have to.  

Mimi’s looking around like she’s not quite sure what just happened. “Pahpee!” She puts a hand on either side of his face as he tries to ease her into the stroller.  “Where da toys?”

“They’ll be here on Christmas Eve, sweetie,” he tries to explain, remembering that she has no idea what Christmas Eve even is.   He’s fastened her into the stroller and can’t seem to recall why people have this ridiculous tradition when Sonny catches up with him.

“Now THAT was worth a million,” he says, passing the photo over to Rafael.  “Hard to say if the video or the photo’s better.”

Rafael opens the cover and takes a look at the cheap photo.  He keeps telling himself it’s because he’s biased, but damn if their kid isn’t the fucking cutest.  “Look Mimi!  Look how cute 

you are!” he tells her, showing her the photo.

She doesn’t look impressed.  It’s starting to hit her that no toys are coming home tonight.  “No!” she tells him angrily, but Sonny pulls out a candy cane, opening it for her, and her attention is immediately diverted.  “Tandy?”

“Yes ma’am,” he tells her.  “Santa wanted you to have a candy cane because you’re such a good girl, right?”

She starts to lick the cane.  “No,” she tells him, then smiles.

Chapter Text

The rapping on his door isn’t stopping.  It seems to have been going on for forever.

Sonny finally sets his beer on the coffee table and makes his way through the dim light from the Christmas tree to his front door, then opens it without even checking who it is.

“Hey, I’ve been trying to call you for hours.”  Rafael’s voice is a mix of concern and annoyance, but his face is all worry.  “Are you okay, Sonny?”  He edges his way in as Sonny steps back, making room for him.  “You want to talk?  Or not.  I could just...I can make soup or something.  Coffee, if you want…”  Sonny’s already turned around and walked back to the couch, sinking down low and holding his head in his hands.  Slowly, Rafael makes his way over to him and sits next to him.  “Sonny,” he murmurs, resting a hand on his boyfriend’s thigh.  “I’m here.  I can listen.”

They’ve known each other for a year, but only been dating a couple of months.  Still, Sonny never expected to get comfort from Rafael, of all people.  Rafael’s not exactly known at the office for his warmth and compassion.  “I’m fine,” he mutters, rubbing a hand across his face and praying he can keep the tears back.  

Silence greets him, but the hand on his thigh is rubbing back and forth gently.  He can feel Rafael’s eyes boring through him, but he’s too shaky to look at him.  After several silent minutes, he feels soft lips against his temple.  A second kiss lands on his ear, then a third one on his cheek before he turns his face and kisses Rafael on the mouth.

It only takes seconds for the kiss to turn deeply passionate; Rafael immediately follows Sonny’s lead, and Sonny is desperate.  Desperate for love, desperate for distraction, desperate for anyone to keep him from being alone with his thoughts.  His hands are fumbling with Rafael’s belt, unfastening and yanking at pants and boxers before practically dragging Rafael the ten feet down the hallway to his bedroom.

By the time they tumble into Sonny’s bed, Rafael’s completely nude and Sonny’s only in his underwear.  He fumbles with the nightstand drawer, grabbing a condom and some lube, then squeezing a hefty bit on his hand.  Rafael’s sucking on his neck when Sonny reaches between the man’s legs, shoving a cold, lube-coated finger into him; Rafael jerks back with a tight whine in his throat.  Realizing what he’s done, Sonny feels awful.  “Raf, I’m sorry...I--”

“It’s okay,” Rafael says, meeting his eyes before leaning forward and kissing him.  “Whatever you need, Sonny.  Use me for it.  Whatever you need.”  And Sonny feels him relax against his hand as he gazes into Sonny’s eyes.

“Fuck,” Sonny groans softly, then looks away and finishes sliding his finger into Rafael.  “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”  A second slippery finger follows the first, and then a third; he pulls them out, then  quickly lines up and pushes in.

He hears Rafael suck in his breath.  He’s so hot, so tight, so intensely perfect.  Sonny knows from experience that Rafael loves a bit of pain to align with his pleasure, although he’s never considered going so rough, so fast.  But he feels the man tug on his hair, and he meets Rafael’s eyes again.  “It’s okay, baby...I can take it...whatever you need, I can do it for you.”

He’s never been loved like this before.  Even when Philip was alive and next to him, theirs had been a newer, more innocent kind of love and attraction.  They had each been the other’s first male lover, each other’s first real love.  There had been a time that Sonny had thought he’d be with Philip forever.  But life had happened.  He’d finished school and gone to the police academy, and Philip had gotten into the graduate program at UCLA for business administration.  He couldn’t turn it down, he explained to Sonny.  His family was there.  He’d gotten a full scholarship.

They could try long distance.

Philip came back to New York for Christmas.  They’d gone to ball games, gone ice skating, strolled through the park looking at the lights.  Made love in Sonny’s tiny studio apartment, the only thing he could afford while  he was in the academy.  Then Philip had flown back on New Year’s Eve, and the next Sonny heard from him was an email three weeks later saying they’d tried, but it wasn’t working.  Philip had met another man, and they were done.  Sonny felt as though his heart had been smashed to pieces.  That had been five years ago, and though he dated, Sonny had never found anyone he cared for nearly as much as Philip. Until Rafael.

When Sonny had gotten the call this afternoon from Philip’s sister, he’d felt as though he’d entered an alternate reality he’d never imagined.  People across the country were being affected by mass shootings; hell, Sonny himself has worked cases of mass shootings and domestic terrorism.  They’d become far too common.  But hearing that the man he’d once considered his soul mate had been shot in the head at a coffee shop while ordering his morning latte had done something to him...taken him out of the reality he was in and put him in a place where everything felt tilted just the wrong side of right.

Liv had noticed immediately, as Sonny sat silent, staring at the phone in his hand.  “I...someone I knew...he was killed in a mass shooting today,” he’d pushed out, and once she’d determined he needed some time, she’d gotten Fin to take him home.  

“Nice tree,” Fin had commented, turning on the lights of the tree that Sonny and Rafael had decorated the weekend before.  “You gonna be okay, Carisi?”

Sonny had nodded, then sent the detective away, before grabbing a beer from his fridge and losing himself in memories.

“That’s it, baby,” Rafael pants now in his ear.  “C’mon, Sonny...c’mon.”

Sonny can’t bring himself to look the other man in the face again.  He closes his eyes and thrusts roughly, hips smacking against his partner’s repeatedly until all he can feel is the growing thrill of arousal, his climax looming large.  As he comes, he’s vaguely aware of lips brushing against his shoulder, kisses laid around his neck, and the whispers of, “I’ve got you, honey...yes, it’s all right...I’ve got you.”

***

They’re spooning, Rafael’s shorter, compact body cradling Sonny’s longer, thinner one.  They never do it like this.  It’s always Sonny wrapped around Rafael, as though he’s begging the older man not to leave.  At least, that’s how Sonny sometimes feels.

Rafael is stroking Sonny’s hair gently, other arm wrapped around his torso, and he’s not letting go.  They’ve been silent since they had sex, but Sonny has never felt so loved by Rafael, nor so grateful.  Every so often, he feels Rafael kiss his temple, and he wonders how much he knows.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Rafael asks quietly, and Sonny shifts slightly against him.  “Liv called me...she mentioned you lost a friend today.”

They haven’t disclosed yet.  Haven’t even talked about disclosing.  Sonny has the distinct feeling Olivia isn’t considered a badass for nothing.  “He was a friend I knew before the academy...from college.  His sister called and said he was shot in a coffee shop, out in Los Angeles.  Mass shooting, she said.”  He sighs softly.  “His name was Philip.”

Rafael strokes his hair.  “I’m so sorry, Sonny.”

Sonny’s mind is racing, fueled with memories of Philip and thoughts of what Rafael would think of him.  Thoughts of their future, if he and Rafael have a future.  At one time, he’d thought Philip was his future.  Suddenly, he feels he’s being disloyal and secretive.  “I loved him,” he whispers, unsure of Rafael’s reaction.  “He was my first true love.”

Rafael’s hand stills.  “I thought you said your first love was that girl in high school...the one you went to prom with?”

Sonny laughs softly.  “Yeah, that’s what I tell everyone.  And I cared very much for her.  But I fell in love with Philip.  We lived together in college for two years, off campus.  We talked about building a life together, adopting children, the whole thing.  I wanted to marry him, if it ever became legal here.”  He swipes a tear off his cheek, just as Rafael leans over and kisses it again.  “I thought he was my soul mate.  But then he went to UCLA for grad school, and I went to the academy, and...you know.  He found someone else.”  He doesn’t mention their last Christmas together.  It feels too humiliating right now.

Rafael is silent, still stroking Sonny’s hair.  “Do you have regrets?” he finally asks, and Sonny catches the hand on his stomach, bringing it to his lips and kissing it.

“I don’t know,” he admits softly.  “It’s too soon, I need time to think, to know how I feel about it.  The only thing I know for sure is that I’m glad it happened, because in a lotta ways, it helped me get ready for you...for this, us.”

For a second, Sonny fears that Rafael is going to flee.  He knows Rafael’s fear of commitment, of the people who have hurt him in the past, of Yelina.  Gathering his courage, Sonny adds, “Not to get into specifics right now, but he was my Yelina.  You can pretty much guess the rest.”

The arms around him snuggle him closer, and another kiss lands softly on his cheek.  “I’m sorry, Sonny,” Rafael tells him.  “Sorry for your pain, and sorry for your loss.  But I’ll be here for you, tonight and however long you need me.”

Feeling the rhythm of Rafael’s breathing, Sonny whispers, “I know you will.”  And he believes it.

Chapter Text

Do you remember me?

I sat upon your knee

I wrote to you with childhood fantasies.

Well, I’m all grown up now

And still need help somehow

I’m not a child, but my heart still can dream…

So here’s my lifelong wish

My grownup christmas list

Not for myself, but for a world in need…

No more lives torn apart

Then wars would never start

And time would heal all hearts;

Everyone would have a friend

And right would always win

And love would never end.

This is my grownup Christmas list.

–David Foster, 1992; recorded by Amy Grant

“There we go,” Rafael said as he tucked a last blanket around his two girls.  “Everyone snug?”

“I sleep wif Sissy,” Mimi told him excitedly, as Marley gave a single nod.  “An’ Pahpee,” she added, then yawned widely.

“That’s right, honey.  We’re all going to sleep in here together, tonight.  You have Elmo?”  At his little one’s nod, he turned to his older daughter.  “How about you, princesa?  You have knuffle bunny?”

Marley sniffled, but pulled the old, beloved bunny out from under the covers.  Rafael smiled.  “Good, sweetheart.  Now close your eyes, girls, and we’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

“Ou Sah-do?” Mimi asked again.  She’d been asking all throughout this confusing evening, and couldn’t seem to grasp the idea that Sonny would not be joining them tonight. 

Then again, Rafael and Marley were struggling with it, too.

“He’s working, remember?” Rafael reminded her, before patting his older daughter’s arm.  “He’s with Olivia and Amanda.  Goodnight, girls.”  He moved to stand, but Marley caught his arm.

“I’m scared, Papi,” she whispered, leaning away from her sister.  “I want Daddy to come home.”

“I know, princesa,” he murmured, then kissed her forehead.  “Hopefully, he’ll be home tomorrow.  Try to sleep, okay?  Uncle Fin is here with us, and we’re safe.”  She nodded, but he knew she wasn’t convinced.

He forced a smile on his face before leaving the bedroom and closing the door.

***

Sonny sat at the rickety kitchen table, beer bottle in front of him.  He couldn’t believe his life could change this quickly.

“Trust me, Mr. Carisi.  You move forward with this case and your days are numbered.  I’m not putting up with this shit–my son is innocent and you know it!  You think you’re gonna take him away from me?”  Don Bryant leaned closer, sneering.  “How do ya think you’re gonna feel if I take your little girl away from you…what’s her name again?  Marlene?” 

Sonny’s face blanched.  With just the mention of his daughter, this entire scene had escalated beyond anything he’d imagined.  He knew Don Bryant was angry–he was convinced his son, Erik, was innocent of rape.  But they already had enough evidence to put the young man in jail for years.  The judge had remanded him just this morning.

“Or maybe you’d prefer your husband finding your body, and having to explain to your children why their father was such a pig that he needed to be killed?  Your husband will have to explain why you’re such a son of a bitch that you stole MY kid away from me!”  He reached into his pocket clumsily, pulling out a pistol, and Sonny felt his mouth go dry.  Inadvertently, he took a step backward and held up his hands.  “So what’s it gonna be, Mr. Carisi?  Do we both go home to our children, or do we both lose them?”

Before he could answer, a fire alarm sounded from the hallway. Bryant, startled, shoved his gun back in his pocket just as Carmen knocked and opened the door.  “Mr. Carisi–” she started, but Bryant pushed past her, running from the office, and Sonny grabbed his desk to keep from falling over.  “Call the police,” he gasped, “He just threatened me and my family.”

“They’ll get him, Sonny.”  Amanda took a seat next to him.  They were holed up in a separate crappy safe room in a hotel on the Jersey shore.  Threat assessment had immediately determined that both Sonny and the girls, particularly Marlene, were in jeopardy.  They’d sent Sonny with Rollins to Jersey, and had Fin usher Rafael and the girls to a hotel near their home.  Fin and a uni would be standing watch over the family, while Rollins would stay with Carisi.  Liv would be communicating with all as needed.  

Sonny took a swig of beer.  “I’ve endangered my kids,” he muttered.  “He saw the picture on my desk and knew.  What if he’d gone after Marlene first, Amanda?  He coulda killed my daughter.”

She leaned toward him.  “But he didn’t.  It sounds like he didn’t even have much of a plan, Sonny.  I’m guessing this was all on impulse, once his son was remanded this morning.”

“Maybe.” He pulled out his phone and revealed his lockscreen, a photo of the four of them at the beach on Labor Day. They were beautiful, his family, and he prayed that right now they were safe and comfortable.

He felt like crying, dissolving into a wave of tears and frustration.  All his life, he’d tried to be a good man, a good person.  He’d devoted his life to living the way God wanted him to, and to a life of service, helping others.  He’d married a man who felt similarly, and they’d done their damnedest to bring their children up the same way.  Yet they’d both had moments of great suffering at the hands of others, like tonight.  Tonight, when his life and the life of his precious daughter were threatened.  And eight years ago, when Rafael witnessed a perpetrator commit suicide while Marlene was just feet away in the next room.  Was it worth it, he wondered now.

Amanda’s hand slowly came to rest on top of his, and he looked at her slowly.  “I know what you’re thinking,” she began, “because I thought it too when Bucci took me.  At one point, he said…he threatened–” She stopped speaking and looked down to her lap.  “He said something about me not seeing my girls again.  And I came home and wondered for weeks why I was going back to work.  I’d kiss them goodnight and think I was a fool to go back, each and every time.  But then, one night I realized, if I didn’t go back, who would?  We do it because somebody has to, Sonny, and not everyone can.  And what we do helps to right the wrongs out there, you know?”  She met his eyes.  “I wish to God I knew how to fix this broken world.  But I don’t.  All I know is that my part in fixing it comes when I put on this badge and do what I’ve studied and trained to do.  Know what I mean?”

He did.

Chapter Text

As children we believe

The grandest sight to see

Is something lovely wrapped beneath our tree.

But heaven surely knows

That packages and bows

Will never heal a hurting human soul.

No more lives torn apart

Then wars would never start

And time would heal all hearts;

Everyone would have a friend

And right would always win

And love would never end.

This is my grownup Christmas list–

This is my only lifelong wish–

This is my grownup Christmas list.

-David Foster, 1992; recorded by Amy Grant

“It’s gonna be fine, Barba.  You know that, right?”

Rafael shot an eyebrow up at Fin’s comment.  It wasn’t like the sergeant to try to calm him down, but he supposed Fin was just doing his job.  “I certainly hope so,” he replied, glancing up from his reading.

Truthfully, he was doing everything he could to keep from thinking about it.  The thought of losing Sonny in any way was incredibly painful.  He had loved his soleado for so long that he couldn’t imagine a world in which that love no longer existed.  It was easy to pretend with Mimi that everything was just fine, but Marlene knew differently.  She knew something was terribly wrong and could sense his fear as well.  He’d tried to hide it, but knew she knew he was worried.

Their hotel room was set up as a suite, with a bedroom in the back and a living area in the front.  The girls were asleep in one of the beds, he hoped, and he’d been trying to read for the last hour, avoiding conversation with Fin and the uniformed officer that had accompanied him.  Both men had chatted quietly amongst themselves, and the uni had just stepped out to get some dinner.  Fin had asked if he wanted anything, but Rafael couldn’t eat now if he tried.  All he wanted was to see Sonny walk through that door, and everything to be okay again.

The bedroom door quietly opened and Marlene stepped out, clad in sweatpants and a tee shirt.  He looked up at her, alarmed, and she quietly made her way to him on the sofa, sitting down 

closely and snuggling up.  “I can’t sleep, Papi.  I promise I’ve tried, but I just can’t.”

“It’s okay, mija,” he murmured, kissing her on the head.  “I understand.”

It was silent for several minutes again as Rafael tried to read, Marley curled up against him, and Fin played on his phone, until suddenly she asked, “Why, Papi?”

He sat up a little straighter, slightly startled by her question, and Fin’s eyes had also settled on the thirteen-year old.  “Why what, honey?” he asked.

She rubbed her eyes.  “Why do people hurt other people?  Why would anyone wanna kill someone like Daddy?  Someone who’s nice, who goes to church, who adopts kids and loves his family and just wants to do his job the right way? Why, Papi?”

He sighed into her hair.  “I don’t know, mija.  Sometimes, people are really hurting and angry inside, and they’re so hurt and angry that they can only think about hurting other people.  That’s why it’s so important to me and Daddy that if you make a mistake, you try to fix it.  If we all worked harder on fixing our mistakes, I think there’d be a lot less hurt in the world.”

She sat quietly next to him for a few more minutes.  “Will you come to bed with us now?  I’m scared for you to stay out here, without us.”

“Okay, sweetheart,” he told her, closing his reader and stretching, just as Fin’s phone rang.  Both Marley and Rafael turned their attention to the detective, who shrugged. “Kid wants to know if I need ketchup,” he remarked, reading his text.  “Of course I need ketchup.  Who eats fries with no ketchup?”

Marley and Rafael looked at each other, knowing each was thinking the same thing:  Sonny.  Sonny never eats fries with ketchup by itself.  He mixes it with mayonnaise or has nothing at all.

Rafael hugged his daughter.  “It’s going to be okay,” he said again, then guided them quietly to the bedroom, where she climbed back in bed with her sister, and he kicked his shoes off and tried to get comfortable in the other bed in the room.

***

“Rafi.”

He was barely dozing, hadn’t slept all night, so when he heard the voice next to him, it startled him sharply and he sat straight up.  Sonny was sitting next to him in the early morning light creeping through the blinds.  His eyes were red-rimmed and he had morning scruff, and Rafael swore he looked ten years older.

He threw his arms around the man, squeezing tightly, fighting back tears of his own. 

“They got him,” Sonny whispered into his ear.  “We’re fine to go home when we want.  Rollins dropped me off and Fin just left.  You wanna go?  Or take a nap?  I haven’t slept all night…”

“Stay,” Rafael whispered back.  “Climb in.”  

He had one leg in the bed when he heard, “Daddy?”  Before he could sit and face her, Marlene had slipped from her bed and made it across the room.  He sank down onto the bed and pulled her in beside him, gently stroking her back as it shook from soft sobs.

“S’okay, dolly,” he whispered, holding her close.  “Daddy’s fine.  I’m here.  We’re all fine.  We’re safe, right?”  She sniffled and snuggled against him, and all he could think was how grateful he was to have her in his arms again.

“Sah-do?” Mimi was the last one, sitting up in bed and looking around the room before her eyes settled on the three older Barba-Carisis all huddled in the bed across from her.  Seeing Sonny’s face smiling at her, she grinned back.  “Hey, Sah-do!” she cried excitedly.  “Meemee see you!”  Suddenly, her face grew more serious.  “Sah-do, Meemee sleep wif you an’ Sissy an’ Pahpee, tay?”

“Okay, Mimi, come on,” he told her, and they watched as she climbed out of the bed by herself and toddled over to the other bed, nearly stepping on Pru, who was lying next to them on the floor.  “No, Pwu!” She shook a finger at the little pug, who watched quietly.  “You stay!  No doggies wif Sah-do, wight Sah-do?  Jus’ Meemee.”  She climbed on top of Marlene, then grunted, “an’ sissy…an’ Pahpee!”  Carefully, she deposited her body between the two men and planted a kiss on Sonny’s cheek.  “Meemee whuzhoo, Sah-do,” she whispered loudly.

Sonny smiled and whispered back, “I love you too, Mimi.”

Mimi yawned, then turned to Rafael.  “Dat my Sah-do,” she told him, rubbing her eyes.

“Huh,” Rafael commented.  “Mine too.”

“I got my Christmas wish,” Marley whispered a minute later.  “Daddy came home.”

“My wish too,” Rafael echoed softly, reaching across the bed and stroking Sonny’s hair.

Sonny closed his eyes, gratitude overcoming him.  “As long as I have you guys, I have everything,” he whispered.  Squeezing his husband’s hand, he repeated, “Everything.”

Chapter Text

“You need a pillow under there,” Rafael points out as his husband slips into the annual Santa costume.  “Why don’t you just let Joseph do it again this year?”

Sonny makes a face.  “Because it’s my turn, Rafael!  You know how it works…we all take turns, and this year’s mine again.”  He inspects himself in the mirror, smiling.  “Remember when Marley was little and I got to be Santa?  That was a riot.”

Rafael snorts.  “She was two and didn’t believe you, even then!  Mimi’s gonna tear you to pieces in front of everyone.  I hope you’re ready.”

Adjusting the hat on his head, Sonny takes two steps closer to his husband.  “Oh, I’m ready for anything,” he purrs, running a thumb over one of his husband’s nipples.  “The question here, I believe, is are you ready?”  Sonny moves even closer, and gently cups Rafael’s ass.  “Have you been a good boy this year, Rafi?  Should Santa be giving you a present?”

Rafael feels a shiver go up his spine, and he runs a palm over his husband’s chest.  “I’ve been a very good boy, Santa,” he murmurs, lips just inches from Sonny’s.  “Let me show you exactly how good I am.”

***

Mimi’s eyes slowly open in the darkness.  Her nightlight is on, and there’s soft music playing.  She snuggles under her blanket a little more for a moment, closing her eyes again, but then she remembers Papi putting her to sleep.  Soleado wasn’t home, and she didn’t get her goodnight kiss.  Her eyes fly open again.  Going to sleep without a kiss from Soleado just will not do.

She climbs out of her toddler bed and carefully opens her bedroom door.  It opens easily, and she looks into the hallway, one way and then the other.  It’s dark, and she doesn’t see anyone else.  Sissy’s door is closed.  She could go there, but why?  Soleado isn’t there.  But, oh! Pru-baby is!  Should she get Pru-baby? She’s so fun!  Wait, though…isn’t Santa Claus supposed to bring her something soon?  

She wanders into the front room.  The tree is off, and she doesn’t see any evidence of Santa Claus.  There’s not any new toys.  But wait!  There’s some things Papi put under there.  They’re in pretty boxes.  She wanted to see them earlier, but he told her she had to wait.  She reaches  under the tree, pulling out a particularly sparkly one.  Ooh, it’s pretty!  She wants to know what’s inside.  It’s hard to get open, but with a little bit of effort…finally!  The paper comes off, and she can see there’s food inside.  Ooh…she likes to eat!  She wonders what it tastes like.  After a little more work, she’s able to pull out a long round cylinder.  Mimi tries to tug the wrapper off, but nothing is happening, so she bites through the wrapper, and…yes! There’s food inside!  But wait…it’s kind of spicy and…uh oh, it’s burning her mouth…eww!  It’s making her mouth water.  Yuck!  She spits it out onto the floor.  Her mouth is still watering, plus there’s some of the wrapper in her mouth, so she spits a few more times.  Finally, she gives up on spitting and  decides to get a drink.

Toddling into the kitchen, she opens the refrigerator door.  Ooh, there’s her favorite juice, the grape one!  Using both hands, she pulls it out and sits on the floor.  After a couple of tries, she gets the lid off and takes a nice long drink from the bottle and–

Oops.  The juice lands all over her pajamas and it’s cold. She doesn’t like this at all…she’s wet and cold and still a little thirsty.  Plus she never got her kissy from Soleado.  Whimpering to herself, she leaves the juice where it fell and takes off across the apartment to Soleado’s bedroom.  Surely he’s home by now.  

As she approaches Soleado’s bedroom, she hears voices and some laughing, then a smack.  Soleado’s here! He will help her and so will Papi.  She opens the door, excited, then puzzled.

Papi is lying in Santa Claus’ lap, laughing, and Santa Claus raises his hand, then brings it down onto Papi’s bare bottom with a loud smack.  And where’s Soleado?

“Santa Taus!  Don’t spank my pah-pee!  He good boy!”

Rafael and Sonny look to the door and freeze upon seeing their youngest daughter.  Slowly, Sonny tugs Rafael’s pants back up to his waist.  “Ho ho ho!  I’ve made a mistake, Papi,” Sonny babbles in his best Santa Claus voice, and Rafael glares at him.  “I’ll be on my way now…Merry Christmas!”  

Rafael continues to glare as Sonny stands and hurries out of the bedroom, leaving him with a wide-eyed toddler covered in grape juice.

***

“She’s finally asleep,” Sonny sighs, climbing into bed with his husband.  “Thank God she’s two and believes everything I tell her.”

Rafael shoots him yet another glare.  “I can’t believe you got away with that,” he grumbles.  “And meanwhile, she thinks I was a ‘bad boy’”--he makes air quotes–”and Santa had to spank me!  Where’d you hide your costume, anyway?”

“On a top shelf in the laundry room.  I’ll grab it tomorrow.”  Sonny stretches out, then reaches over to turn off the light.  “Thank God I had my clothes on under it.  Oh, by the way, she took a nice bite out of the summer sausage Jack McCoy sent to you.  I’m guessing that’s why she went after the grape juice.”

The only reason Rafael isn’t complaining about having to clean up the grape juice is because Sonny had to give Mimi a bath and start washing her pajamas.  “Great.  I only look forward to eating that thing all year.”

Sonny chuckles.  “Well, she didn’t really eat much of it…it kinda just looks like Pru took a bite outta the middle.  You can probably eat around it, if you want.”  Sensing his husband’s cranky expression, he adds, “I wonder how many people she’ll tell.”

“Tell?” Rafael asks.  “Tell what?”

“That her papi’s so naughty he got his naked butt spanked by Santa Claus,” Sonny teases.  “God knows he’s had it coming for years.”

“Shut up, Santa,” Rafael grumbles.  “I don’t like you right now.”

“Better watch it if you want any more of that sausage.  You know I’m watching you everywhere.” 

Rafael smacks his husband on the torso with a pillow, and Sonny bursts into giggles.

Chapter Text

“You gotta stir really hard,” Marley instructs her little sister.  “Here, use both hands.  I’ll hold the bowl for you.”

“Tay, Sissy!”  Mimi grabs the wooden spoon with both hands and tries to stir the stiff dough.  She’s biting her tongue and furrowing her brow, but it’s the baby grunts she’s making that send Rafael into laughter.

“Keep going!” he urges between giggles.  “You can do it, Meems!”

“Uh!” she grunts again, forcing the spoon around.  “Mee…mee… do… it!”  Marley grips the bowl tightly as Mimi keeps forcing the spoon around.  Glancing at her little sister’s face, she’s a bit worried Mimi is going to bite the tip of her tongue off.  

“You’re doin’ great, Mimi!  Grammy’s gonna love these cookies,” Marley tells her as the dough starts cooperating.  “Just wait for the cookie exchange.  You’re gonna see more cookies than you’ve ever imagined in your life!”

“In my wife? ” Mimi asks, letting go of the spoon for a minute.  “My whole wife?”

Her sister chuckles.  “Yep.  More than in your whole life.  And they’re all SO good.  And you get to bring some home with you!  To eat!  I know how much you like to eat cookies.”

“Yeah!” Mimi agrees.  “Meemee WOVE to eat da tookies!  Meemee eat ALL da tookies, Sissy!” She squeals, then throws her head back and cackles loudly.  Marley and Rafael look at each other and start laughing.

“What was that I heard?” Sonny asks, reappearing from the bedroom.  He’d been on the phone.

“Mimi,” Marley answers.  “She’s planning world domination of all the cookies.”

“Along with the toys, apparently,” Rafael snorts, still chuckling.

Mimi points a finger at him.  “Pahpee a bad boy!  Santa Taus spank your butt!”

“Why’s she keep saying that?” Marley asks, looking from Rafael to Sonny and back.  “She’s told me that three times today.  I’m a little worried what y’all got into at the mall last week!”

Both of her dads look at each other and force a laugh.  “You know mall Santas,” Sonny says, shrugging his shoulders.  “Weirdness all the way around, haha!”

“Hey Mimi,” Marley asks, “when did Santa spank Papi?”

The little girl grunts again, stirring the heavy spoon more.  “At nigh-night,” she replies.   “On Pahpee’s bed.”

Rafael pays extra attention to his reading while Marlene eyes him and Sonny suspiciously.  “Where was Daddy?” she asks, and Rafael feels his cheeks turning red.

“I do it, Sahdo!” Mimi exclaims, and claps her hands excitedly.  “Meemee make tookies!”

“You did!” Sonny encourages before Marlene can ask any other questions, hoping to end the inquisition before it starts.  “Now we have to bake them in the oven…are you ready to help?”

“Uh-huh!” Mimi responds, watching Sonny prepare and bring over a cookie sheet.  He hands her a cookie scoop and grabs a spoon for himself.  Scooping up a bit of dough on his spoon, he deposits it on the tray.

“Just like that, Mimi.  Now you do it,” he encourages her and watches as she uses the scoop he handed her.  Once it’s nice and full, she moves it over to the tray, then hesitates, and he chuckles again.  He’s getting better at anticipating her thoughts. “Put it on the tray, Miss Mimi, not in your mouth.”

She sighs, then quietly says, “Otay.”  The dough plops onto the sheet, and she looks at it sadly.  “Bye bye, tookie.  I will miss you.”

Sonny smiles at her.  “I know the feeling.”

***

“Did you move my Santa costume?” Sonny asks Rafael that night as they’re getting ready for bed.

“Uh, no.”  He tugs his shirt off and tosses it into the hamper, leaving him in his pajama pants.  “Why?”

“Well, I got most of it, but the hat is missing.”  He holds the top in one hand and the pants in the other, and Rafael makes a face.  “I don’t know where the hat could’ve gone…I put them all in there together.”

“Could it have fallen down somewhere, or you dropped it?  It’s not in the hallway, is it?”

Sonny shakes his head.  “No, I checked.  I guess I’ll go dig through it all again tomorrow.  I’ve already checked three times tonight.”  He folds the Santa outfit up and tucks it into his drawer, covering it up with a couple pairs of jeans.  Tossing Rafael a tee-shirt, he steps into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

A moment later, there’s a knock on the door, and Rafael calls, “Come in.”

Marlene opens it and steps into the room, wearing the missing Santa hat and holding a paper bag in her hand.  “Hello, Papi,” she says, and upon seeing her expression, Rafael wants the floor to open up and swallow him whole.  

“Don’t worry,” she continues.  “You’re safe tonight. I stopped Santa when he tried to get in tonight and told him you and Daddy don’t believe in capital punishment.”

Rafael’s holding his head at the temples.  “I think you mean corporal punishment, but go ahead.”

For a moment, she looks confused; then she shakes her head and continues.  “Anyway, I explained to him that you guys don’t believe in spanking, even if sometimes you should.”  She nods toward the hallway, indicating her little sister.  “But we are a nonviolent household, so he’s not allowed to spank any Barba-Carisis.  I also told him that you are really a very good guy and don’t deserve a spanking.  He said somethin’ about how sometimes with adults, you don’t gotta be bad to get a spanking, but I told him I am WAY too young to hear any of that.”

Rafael chokes on a laugh as she finishes speaking.  It would be funny if it wasn’t him, of that he’s sure, and he dares to look up at her.  She shoots him her widest smile just as Sonny steps out of the bathroom.  “Hey!” he proclaims, pointing at her.  “That’s my hat!”

Marley pulls it off her head and tosses it to him.  “There you go.  Oh!  I think these are for you, too.”  She hands Sonny the paper bag before grinning at both of them.  “Goodnight, my dearest dads.  Please try not to gross me out again for at least five years.  Thank you!”  And with that, she spins on her heels and leaves the room, closing the door behind her.

“So how much of it has she figured out?” Sonny asks, taking a seat on the bed.

“Pretty much all of it,” Rafael replies, face still red.  “What’s in the bag?”

Sonny opens it, and his eyes grow wide before he starts laughing.  “Cookies,” he gasps delightedly.  “Cookies for Santa!  Damn if that kid isn’t funny as hell…”

Rafael tries to grab the bag and take one, but Sonny holds it up too high.  “They’re for me!  I’m Santa…you’re just the naughty one needing a spanking, remember?”  He shoves a cookie in his mouth, despite laughing.

“I hate roleplay,” Rafael grumbles, folding his arms.  “Didn’t even get a good spanking, either.”

Chapter Text

I am waiting in a silent prayer

I am frightened by the load I bear

In a world as cold as stone

Must I walk this path alone?

Be with me now

Be with me now…

Hand shaking, she hung up the phone.

She couldn’t believe that even now, Ray would think that she would agree to have an abortion.  She’d already told him no twice, and even packed up and come back to the Bronx.  She’d left school and all her friends behind.  Her grandmother had taught her that this baby was God’s child, and abortion is wrong.  She wasn’t going to kill her baby.

But Ray had been very clear with her that any ideas she’d had of becoming his wife were just fantasies.  He would never leave his wife nor his sons, and as far as he was concerned, the tiny baby in her belly was useless.  “I’m not kidding, Cory,” he’d told her tonight, “if you ever bring that thing around here, you’re gonna wish you’d chosen an abortion.  Don’t you even think of trying to blackmail me with it, either.  You’re a sixteen year old slut.  You think anyone is going to believe you over me?  This would have never happened if I hadn’t let such a little tease into my house in the first place.”

He hadn’t always been so cruel to her.  In fact, he used to be the nicest man she’d ever known.  Corrine had never known her own father.  Maybe that’s why she believed everything Ray had told her.  He was old, almost forty, but she loved the way he talked about things, and how he listened to her ideas. He made her feel special.  He had beautiful, smooth, dark skin, and he told her all the time how lovely she was.  That was the word he always used with her.  Lovely.  And he nicknamed her Cory, a name just for them, he’d said.  She needed a special name because she was special. He loved her.

And she’d believed him, until the baby.

Do you wonder 

As you watch my face

If a wiser one 

Should have had my place?

But I offer all I am 

For the mercy of your plan

Help me be strong

Help me be

Help me

Curling up on her bed, Corrine pulled out the journal she’d begun keeping two months before, when she’d first taken the pregnancy test.  She didn’t even know yet if her baby was a boy or a girl; all she knew was that her whole focus now had to be on finding the right family.  That and school.  She was going to get into a prestigious college no matter what.  Her baby may not live with her, but at least the baby could be proud of her.  She could still do good things with her life.

She’d started a list in her journal about the traits her baby’s family should have.  She’d already written that she wanted them to own a nice home and have stable jobs.  It was too hard to live in the projects, barely scraping by, and take in another kid.  No, her baby was gonna have better.  Now she added the word “education” to the list; her baby’s parents should be smart and have degrees in something useful.  And be able to protect you, she added, thinking about the phone call a little bit ago.  

She closed the book and pulled it closer to her chest.  Would Ray really try to hurt her?  Maybe.  She didn’t know.  It scared her, thinking about it now.  He’d been so angry the last time she saw him.  But she’d talked to someone at Legal Aid, and they said he couldn’t make her have an abortion.  It was her choice, no matter what.  Slowly, she stroked her tiny belly.

“I love you, baby,” she whispered, looking out her window at the cold December sky.  Mary had been scared, too, she remembered.  People threatened to kill Jesus, but Mary never doubted God.  Maybe that’s who she needed to turn to now, also.  No matter what, she thought, this baby will always be God’s baby.  As long as she had faith in that, her baby would be safe.

Folding her hands, she closed her eyes to pray.

Breath of Heaven

Hold me together

Be forever near me

Breath of Heaven

Light in my darkness

Pour over me your holiness

For you are holy

Breath of Heaven

Chapter Text

“Where my sissy at?” Mimi asks, looking around the auditorium.  Tapping Sonny, who’s chatting avidly with Amanda and Jesse, she says, “Sahdo!  Sahdo!  Stoos me, Sahdo…”

Sonny finally turns to the little girl and smiles.  “Yes, dear Mimi.  What do you need, sweetheart?”

Mimi’s on her knees in her seat, hanging onto Sonny’s arm.  “Where my sissy?”

“She’s getting ready to sing, remember?” he reminds her, waving at Liv and Noah, who are settling into the seats next to Rafael’s saved space.  “Look, it’s Aunt Livvy and Noah, honey!  Did you say hello?”

Mimi turns to glance at the Bensons.  Olivia waves and leans over Rafael’s empty seat.  “Hello, sweetheart!  How are you tonight?”

Mimi leans back toward Sonny.  “No,” she says, holding Sonny’s hand.  “MY Sah-do.”

Olivia chuckles.  “Looks like you have a big fan on your hands, Sonny,” she teases, and he good-naturedly rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, my number one stalker,” he jokes, then kisses the little girl on the head just as Rafael joins them, sitting between Mimi and Liv.

“Pahpee!” Mimi announces, then lets go of Sonny’s hand and climbs over the arm of Rafael’s seat, landing in his lap.  She looks at Olivia again and leans toward her.  “MY Pah-pee!” she tells her, then rests her head against Rafael’s chest.  “Meemee’s pahpee.”

They’re all chuckling.  “Well, I guess she told you,” Rafael tells Liv, nudging her in the side.

“I guess so,” she agrees.  “I’ll just keep myself over here, with Noah.”

“How’s dolly doing back there?” Sonny asks his husband.

Jesse pipes up from beside Amanda.  “Is she puking yet?  She told me she’s gonna puke before she sings.  She said she always does and it’s good luck!”

They all look at her with varying degrees of amusement and disgust.  “Actually, if she threw up, she didn’t tell me,” Rafael says.  “But she is nervous.  She always gets nervous before solos like this.”

Just then, the lights lower, and Mimi squeals.  “Hush,” Rafael whispers to her.  “We have to listen.  The kids are gonna sing!”

“Otay,” Mimi whispers back.  “Where my sissy?”|

“You have to wait a bit.”

The Christmas concert starts.  It’s the annual concert for the gifted group of singers at the middle school, a group that Marlene has been part of ever since she began middle school three years ago.  She stays after school once a week to practice, and her music teacher, Mr. DeLuca, has told her dads she is very talented.  So talented, in fact, that when she moves to high school next year, she can audition for the high school that specializes in Fine Arts.

Sonny and Rafael have always thought she was amazing, but they both are concerned about her going to a different high school.  They worry it will be too much pressure, or that she’ll struggle being away from the friends she’s been with for years.  Marlene loves to sing, but they’re not as sure that she loves to perform.  She tends to get very anxious before she does any kind of solo performance, and Jesse’s right, she’s worked herself up to the point of vomiting in the past.

The concert is okay as far as kids’ concerts go, other than the fact that with the start of every song, Mimi asks “Where my sissy?”.  Finally, Sonny leans over and says, “Don’t ask again!  We will TELL you when we see her, okay?”

Mimi’s bottom lip juts out.  “Meemee wanna see Sissy, Sahdo.”

Just then, Rafael pokes the little girl in the side.  “Look up there,” he whispers, motioning to the stage.  “Who’s that?”

The stage is set as a living room decorated at Christmas.  He intends for her to see Marlene in the corner by the tree, dressed in a Santa hat and dress, but that’s not who Mimi sees.  She sucks her breath in as her eyes go large as she focuses on the green figure near the fireplace.  “DA GWINCH!” she whispers ominously, just as the music starts and her older sister begins to move across the stage.

“You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch

You really are a heel

You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel

Mr. Grinch, you’re a bad banana with a

Greasy black peel!”

She may have been nervous backstage, but she hardly shows it now.  Marley’s expressions are exaggerated and fun, as are her movements with the grinch moving around the stage.

“You’re a monster, Mr. Grinch

You’re heart’s an empty hole

Your brain is full of spiders, you’ve got garlic in your soul

Mr. Grinch, I wouldn’t touch you with a

Thirty-nine and a half foot pole!”

“Dat gwinch get sissy?” Mimi asks, pointing to the stage, looking unsure of what’s happening.

“No way!” Rafael assures her.  “Sissy’s gonna get HIM, I bet!”

“You’re a vile one, Mr. Grinch

You’ve got termites in your smile

You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile

Mr. Grinch, given the choice between the two of you, I’d take

The seasick crocodile!”

Hearing the auditorium of people laughing and enjoying the performance, Mimi looks around and finally takes her fingers out of her mouth.  “Get dat gwinch, Sissy!” she yells, and Sonny and Rafael both laugh.  

“You’re a foul one, Mr. Grinch

You’re a nasty, wasty skunk

Your heart is full of unwashed socks, your soul is full of gunk

Mr. Grinch, the three words that best describe you are as follows

And I quote:  ‘Stink, stank, stunk!’”

Mimi laughs loudly as her sister finishes, and everyone claps for the performance, giving a standing ovation after just a moment.  Marley’s smile is a mile wide, and she takes a deep bow.

That night, when they get home, Mimi says, “Sissy!  You be gwinch!  Meemee sing!”

Marley laughs.  “You wanna sing and I be the grinch?  Okay,” she agrees, then pretends to crawl around the tree.  Mimi stands in front and toddles foot to foot, half-singing “gwinch…bad boy gwinch…” until she decides her dads need to play too.

“Sit, Sahdo!” she demands, pulling him to the couch.  “Sit, Pahpee!  Watch Meemee!”

And for too many days after, the family practices their own grinchy play.  Sometimes they dress the parts, and sometimes they sing and dance, but Marley is always the grinch, Mimi is always the narrator, and Sonny and Rafael are always the audience, wondering how they got sucked into seeing this performance so…many…times.

Chapter Text

“Wook, Abby!” Mimi demands of her grandmother.  The girls are at Lucia and Mateo’s for the evening, giving their dads a date night.  Lucia and Marley are baking, like they usually do on these nights.  Mimi, however, has decided she needs for Abby to see their new grinch play–the same one she’s been driving the family nuts with at home.

“She’s not gonna give up until you watch,” Marley warns Lucia, and the woman chuckles, then turns around.

“Yes, my love?” she asks.  “What is it you want to show your abuelita?”

“Dis one!  T’mon, Sissy!”  She points to Marley, who rolls her eyes good-naturedly before walking to the corner of the kitchen and bending over, like she’s looking for things to take.

Mimi toddles side to side as though she’s dancing, then sings, “You bad meanie boy, gwinch!  You gween an’ stinky poo!”  She bursts into laughter, and Lucia chuckles again, then claps.

“She keeps making up new words to say,” Marley tells her grandmother.  “It’s Papi’s fault she’s saying ‘stinky poo’, cause he laughed so hard when she said it the other day!”

“Did I just hear some singing?” Mateo steps into the kitchen, surveying the candy that Marley and his wife are making.  Snagging a couple pieces, he turns to Mimi.  “Was that you I heard singing?” he asks.

She makes a face at him.  “No!”  

“That’s okay, Miss Mimi,” he tells her, bending down and smiling.  “One day you and I are gonna be good friends.”

“No!” she yells, swinging an arm at him.

“Mimi!” Marley says sharply.  “That’s not nice!  Mateo just wants to be your friend!”

Mimi’s angry face morphs into a sad one.  “Ou Sahdo?” she asks, sniffling.  “I want my Sahdo.”

Lucia’s watching closely, and when Marley doesn’t move to comfort the little girl, she takes the opportunity.  “It’s okay, Mimi,” she tells her gently, picking her up and snuggling her close.  “I know you miss your Soleado.  He’s a wonderful man.  Would you like to watch the Grinch on TV?  Abby has the movie…”

Mimi sniffles again before answering.  “Yeah,” she says, and lets Lucia carry her into the guest bedroom.

“I’m sorry she’s so mean, Mateo,” Marley says, finishing her work on the candy.  “I know Papi says it’s because of trauma, but sometimes I think they’re just too nice to her.  If she was my kid, I’d pop her butt when she did stuff like that.”

Mateo takes a seat in a kitchen chair.  “I can understand your frustration, Marlene.  But she’s very little, and she’s lost everyone in the world that she knew not very long ago.  I think it’s amazing that she’s as sweet and funny as she is, considering.  Plus, I’m not really sure that she’d learn how to behave better by being spanked.”

“Maybe not, but I keep telling Daddy it’s worth a try.”  She shakes her head.  “I know there’s no way that I was that bad at her age.”

“Oh really?” Lucia says, strolling back into the kitchen.  “I seem to recall a little girl who went through a period of calling her papi ‘poophead’ when she got mad at him…”

Marley spins around, her mouth in a huge, shocked O.  “What?  Who was that?” she asks, trying to look shocked but fighting back a grin.  “I would never do such a thing!”

“Lucia, remember that sweet little cat you used to have?  Dinah, wasn’t it?” Mateo asks.

“Mmhmm,” Lucia confirms, “I do…and I distinctly remember how that poor little cat would run and hide every time a particular granddaughter came over, ready to try to dress her and put barrettes in her fur.”

“You have another granddaughter?” Marley asks, trying to sound surprised.

“No,” Lucia replies, “Only the one…the same one that I remember played dress up one time and nearly shaved her head bald…”

Marley spins around to face Lucia again.  “That was Jesse’s fault,” she argues.  “She was older and shoulda known better!”

Mateo and Lucia both laugh.  “My point, though, honey, is that to the best of my knowledge, your dads never spanked you for any of it, did they?  And do you think you would have not made those choices if they had?  Some of that is just part of growing up, nieta.”

Marley’s smile disappears, and for a few minutes the kitchen is quiet. Lucia and Marley continue to scoop and roll the candy out, until suddenly, Marley says, “Sometimes I wish it was just me and them again.  And yeah, I know that makes me a bad person.  Maybe I’m the one who deserves to be punished.”

“Oh nieta,” Lucia murmurs, wrapping her arms around her granddaughter.  “No, honey, you don’t deserve punishment at all.  And you are NOT a bad person.  You’re a little girl who’s been through a rough time, too.”  Lucia can feel the girl’s body start to shake softly, her face pressed into her grandmother’s chest.  She holds her nieta as Marley quietly sobs all of the tears she’s been holding in for so long.  

“You lost a mama too, baby.  And now you have to share your daddies, when you’ve never had to before.  That’s a big adjustment, Marlene.  I know it’s hard to be patient with Mimi, but you need to be patient with yourself, too.  Entiendes?”

She feels her granddaughter nod against her chest, and continues to hold Marlene as the sobs slowly wear off.  As she’s patting the girl’s back, she glances over to the entry and sees Mimi watching them.

“Sissy tryin’?” she asks, then toddles over to Marley and tugs on her tee shirt.  “Sissy want Sahdo too?”

“Yeah,” Marley answers, then turns and picks up her little sister.  “And papi, too sometimes.  Can I watch Grinch with you?”

Mimi smiles happily.  “Uh huh!  Sissy watch gwinch wif Meemee.”  She leans forward and kisses Marley on the lips.  “Meemee wuzhoo, Sissy,” she says, and Marley smiles, looking back at Mateo, then Lucia. 

“I love you too,” she replies, and carries her baby sister back to the guest room.  

Chapter Text

“I didn’t hear you,” Sonny purrs, running a palm over the red, warm flesh of his husband’s ass.

Rafael moans softly.  He’s not sure himself what number he’s supposed to say.  “Eight?” he asks.  “Nine?”

Sonny can’t stop himself from chuckling.  “You’re so zoned out, aren’t you?  Let’s make that one nine.”  He’s afraid if they start over, Rafael won’t be able to sit the next day, and neither of them really wants to explain THAT to their teenage daughter.

He raises his hand once more, and lets it land firmly in the middle, a beautiful red flush forming on the skin underneath.  “Ah…ten,” Rafael sighs softly, and Sonny’s not sure his husband is going to be willing to move.  But Sonny’s going to motivate him to keep this party going.  He’s gonna try, anyway.

“Put your head on your pillow and lie on your back.  Now, darling.”  He watches with a smirk as Rafael slowly comes back to himself, then clamors to quickly move into position.  Once he makes it, Sonny grins.  The cheeks on Rafael’s face are just as flushed as the ones on his ass, and the color matches the tip of his cock, resting on his stomach and slightly pearlescent from precome.  “Look at you, so ready and beautiful,” Sonny praises, enjoying the reaction of his husband’s preening and the twitch of his dick.  “Are you ready to give me what I want?”

“Always,” Rafael answers, wrapping his fingers around the bars on the headboard.  “Whatever you want, it’s yours, baby.”

Sonny smirks, then takes his time gazing at his husband’s body.  His fingers eventually follow, a soft stroke across the warm skin that causes Rafael to tingle from head to toe.  “I can’t wait to be inside you,” Sonny murmurs, then reaches for the lube and begins to prep his husband.  “I’ve been thinking about date night all week long.  Do you know what it’s done to me, having to wait like this?”

Rafael sucks in a breath as Sonny adds another finger, but doesn’t answer.

“Let’s just say patience isn’t my greatest virtue tonight.  I hope you’re ready,” Sonny continues.  “Ready for me to ride you like a cowboy on the plains.  Like an Indian on a buffalo hunt.  Like Santa on his sleigh, on Christmas Eve–”

Rafael bursts into laughter.  “I’m married to such a dork.”

“A dork who’s gonna blow your mind…you ready, babe?”  Sonny shoves a pillow under Rafael, making sure he’s in a decent position. Rafael pulls his knees up, hooking his fingers behind them and giving Sonny easy access.  “Just remember, slow is for the old and weary,” Sonny teases, then smoothly slides in and bottoms out.  Rafael gives a soft sigh, then moves his hands back to the headboard and Sonny pulls his calves up, onto his shoulders.

Sonny watches as Rafael’s eyes roll back and he moans. “Jesus, Sonny…so fucking good…”  Rafael’s hands flex against the headboard rails, then tighten as Sonny gives a tentative thrust.  “Unh…yes, baby…” Rafael sighs, and Sonny leans down and kisses him wetly, then starts the pounding, quick rhythm he’d promised.

It doesn’t take long for Rafael to respond.  “Fuck, Sonny!” he cries out loudly as Sonny’s cock hits his prostate repeatedly.  The pleasure is shooting throughout his body, and he can’t recall when he last felt like he was fucked out of his mind. He knows he’s loud but it’s the kind of sex that feels so good he could care less if he broke the sound barrier. “Jesus, don’t stop–”

“Run run Rudolph,” Sonny teases, giving Rafael a playful slap on his flank, “Santa’s gotta make it to town, baby!”

Rafael makes a sound between a laugh and a hiss, and a moment later he arches and comes–hard.  “That’s right, baby!  So good,” Sonny cries out, breathless.  Rafael’s face is contorted in pleasure, and Sonny can’t look away from what’s right in front of him.  It’s one of the hottest things he’s ever seen.  “So good for me…Christ…” He’s on the edge, too, gasping for breath, and then his mind is blotted of everything logical.

He allows himself to collapse on top of Rafael.  Rafael, his sweet love, his light in this world. His husband is warm as he relaxes, pressing kisses to his face while stroking his back gently.  “You’re so good, babe.  I could lie here all night,” Sonny murmurs, thinking about how much he’s in love.

“Could you not, Santa?” he hears Rafael’s teasing response. “You’re not as light as you used to be.  Probably all the cookies and milk.”

Chapter Text

“Take ‘em on into the kitchen,” Bella directs.  “Hey Jesse, you and Marley help everyone put the cookies on the tables, okay?”

Bella has taken over the family’s annual Cookie Exchange.  She’s been in training with her mother Deb for months, making sure she has all the details down exactly how they should be.  It’s not an easy task.  Deb inherited the cookie exchange from her mother when she was newly married, nearly fifty years ago, and has held it every year since.  It used to be just a smaller family affair until Deb decided to open it up to friends.  When Mia was born, they decided to have Santa Claus visit each year, and that’s when it really took off.  Deb was used to throwing a big shindig on Independence Day each year, but the Carisi Cookie Exchange dwarfed it, and she usually expects up to two hundred people.

After Dom got sick this past spring, Bella came to her mother and suggested it was time for one of the Carisi kids to host.  Deb just didn’t have the energy she used to, and what she had went completely to her husband.  Bella had figured her mom would pick Teresa, because she was the oldest, or Sonny, because he loved to bake.  But instead, Deb had thrown her arms around her youngest and thanked her profusely for taking over what she had called “the family’s greatest tradition”.  All Bella could think was how grateful she was that she and Tommy had decided to purchase the three-bedroom house in Queens this year, rather than try to stay in Manhattan.  

So they’ve worked together for months, planning invitations and making list upon list of what they’d need to pull the whole thing off.  The one thing Bella was excited about was the fact that she got to add something to the exchange if she wanted to.  Over the years, Deb had added the invitations to friends and colleagues, as well as a visit from Santa.  Bella decided to add two things.  First, Santa would give each child a book, provided by the child’s parent in advance.  Second, they would take up a monetary collection for charity.  This year, she chose an organization helping the refugees in the middle east.  It was more work–she had to contact the organization and get some pamphlets and things, as well as being accountable for the money–but it would be worth it, she felt sure.

Finally, after months of work, it’s finally the day of the exchange.  At five p.m., family and friends start arriving with dozens of cookies and a dish for a potluck dinner.  Bella’s arranged early arrivals on teams to help everyone get to where they need to go.  The music is on, and within a half-hour, Bella and Tommy’s new house in Queens is full of people ready for the holidays.

Sonny arrived at five p.m. on the dot, accompanied by Marlene, Jesse, and several dozen cookies.  He knew from experience that Bella could put him and the girls to good use with setup, and she had.  By 5:30, Bella has guided her big brother to the guest bedroom, along with a large plate of potluck food.  “Now stay put,” she tells him.  “It’ll probably be around seven when we’re ready for Santa, okay?  All the books are labeled with each kid’s name, so you just have to put them in your sack and call ‘em out–”

“I’m not a complete moron, Bells,” he teases, rolling his eyes.

“Watch it,” she tells him, pointing at him, “or I’ll get Ma up here to give you a piece o’ her mind!”

Rafael and Mimi are late arriving; Mimi lay down late for her nap and everyone was a little afraid to wake her up too soon.  They’d all felt the wrath of the cranky toddler, and nobody wanted to see it explode at the cookie exchange, so Rafael agreed he’d join Sonny, Marley, and Jesse over there later.  They arrive a few minutes before six, just in time to eat.

“Hey, Grammy!” Rafael leans over and gives his mother in law a kiss.  “How are you tonight?”

“I’m all right,” she says, and he knows with one glance she’s being optimistic.  She’s got bags under her eyes, and her normally sunny disposition is absent.  She forces a smile, though.  “How are you all today?”

“Just running late from napping,” he tells her.  “I hope Sonny told you.”

“He did, he did.”  She smiles at Mimi, who’s in Rafael’s arms.  “Hello there, sweetheart.”

Mimi furrows her brow.  “No,” she says with a pout.

“Hey,” Rafael tells her, “that’s not okay, Mimi.  We are nice to Grammy.  She loves you.”

Deb waves a hand.  “It’s not her fault, Rafi…it’s fine.”  But he can see the tears gathering in the corners of her eyes.

Mimi has only seen Deb a handful of times.  Deb just hasn’t had the time to bond with the baby like she did when Marley was little.  All of her time has been taken up with Dom, and it has been a very difficult year.

Rafael leans forward and hugs his mother in law tightly as Mimi watches.  “It’s not your fault either, Deb.  And next year she’ll be hopping right into your house like the rest of ‘em.”  

When they separate, she’s smiling.  “Thank you, honey.  I’m truly so blessed.”

Rafael turns back to Mimi.  “Can you be a nice girl and say hi to your grammy?” he asks again.  “She loves you.”

“No,” Mimi says now in her most genuine voice, and Deb chuckles.  Mimi looks at her again and says, “Hi Gammy.”

“Hi, my sweet love.”  Deb leans over and kisses Mimi’s cheek, and Mimi smiles.

“That’s my sweet girl!” Rafael praises her.  “Are you ready to eat, Mimi?  I think it’s about time to eat!”

Mimi gasps loudly.  “Meemee eat now?  My belly hungwy!”

Deb and Rafael chuckle.  “All right then, let’s go find the food.”  A few minutes later they’re dishing up food from the potluck.  Rafael recognizes the mini sandwiches that Sonny made, and grabs one for him and one for Mimi.  There’s all sorts of good things, and his plate is filled quickly.  Mimi’s, however, is slim pickins.  “You sure you don’t want this?” he asks, pointing toward a fruit bowl.  “You like fruit.”

“No,” she tells him, shaking her head.  “No fanks, Pahpee.”  Peering over the edge of the table, she sees some potato salad.  “Dat one, Pahpee!” she says excitedly.  “I want dat one!  Wif da stuff in it!”

He adds a small scoop of it to her plate, fairly certain she’s going to reject it as soon as she tastes it, but it’s easier to cooperate.  They find a place to sit on the edge of the couch, and he strikes up a conversation with one of Joseph’s colleagues about working at a university.  He’s considered applying for a position to teach law, but hasn’t done it.

“Pahpee!” Mimi interrupts mid-conversation.  “Pahpee!”  She puts a sticky hand on either side of his face and turns it to her.  “Stoos me, Pahpee!  Ou my Sahdo?” (excuse me papi, where’s my soleado?)

He carefully removes her hands from his face, grabbing a napkin and wiping them off.  “I’m not sure, Mimi.  Sit down and finish eating, and let Papi talk, okay?”

She plops down on the floor at his feet, her plate on the coffee table next to them.  “Otay,” she sighs, picking another piece of potato from the salad and shoving it into her mouth.  “Mm-mm!” she says, but he’s gone back to talking to the professor, so she works on eating her dinner.

“Hey there, Mimi.”  Jesse bends down, then sits next to the little girl.  “Is your dinner good?”

“I got stuff,” Mimi tells her, showing her a piece of potato before shoving it in her mouth.

Jesse grimaces.  “I see.  Yum.”

Marley takes a seat next to Jesse, putting a plate on the table.  “You sure you don’t wanna eat?” she asks Jesse, and Jesse shakes her head.

“Saving my calories for cookies,” Jesse tells her.  “I don’t know how you can eat like that and not gain weight, especially with cookies!”

Marley takes a second look at her plate.  There’s a mini-sandwich, some kind of hot bean dish, a few raw fruits and veggies, and a spoonful each of mac and cheese and chicken salad.  She makes a face.  “I don’t think it’s that much.  You talk like I’m training for a marathon.”

Jesse shakes her head.  “That’s not it…just you wait, Marley Mae.  When I turned fourteen last month, everything suddenly changed.  I had zits, gained weight, and my hair is greasy if I don’t wash it every day.  You just wait and see.”

Marley finishes her bite of very delicious beans, then says, “Thank God I’ve got at least another year, then.”  Jesse glares at her, and she smiles back, then takes a big bite of mac and cheese.

“Wook, Sissy!  Mee mee got stuff!”  She holds up her last piece of potato.  “Mee mee eat.”

Marley laughs.  “You really like that potato salad, don’t you?” she asks.  “Grammy makes that.  It’s really good, isn’t it?”

Mimi nods.  “Good taytoe.”

“Okay, friends!” Bella announces loudly.  “Let’s wind up the potluck in the next five minutes, because we’re going to have a very special visitor soon!  Our visitor will be here in about a half hour, so if you haven’t gotten your cookies yet, make sure you do that too!  If you need markers or tags to label your containers, there are some in the kitchen with the cookies.  One other thing, this year, we are raising money for the refugees in the Middle East.  Please feel free to put your donation in Ma’s container–hey Ma, stand up so everyone sees you!”  Deb stands and smiles, then shakes a large coffee container she’s holding.  “Remember your donations are completely voluntary!  We’re all just so happy you could come tonight and enjoy some time with us to celebrate the season!  If I don’t get a chance to say so to you personally, Tommy, Rosie, and I wish each of you a very happy holiday season, as do all the other Carisis!  Merry Christmas!”

There’s a rousing applause and some catcalls.  “Ooh!” Jesse suddenly exclaims.  “I forgot, I need to give your grammy this check from my mom.  Be right back.”  She stands and makes her way through the crowd of people, and Marley goes back to finishing her plate.

“Sissy?” Mimi asks, and Marley turns to look at her.  “Mee mee need taytoe.”

“Okay, just a minute.  I’m gonna finish my food, okay?” Marley takes her last bite of macaroni, and Mimi reaches over to pick up her sister’s last bite of sandwich, then pops it into her mouth.  “Hey!” Marley exclaims.  “That was mine!”

“Dat was yum!” Mimi tells her with a big grin. 

Marley pokes her shoulder.  “Don’t eat off my plate, Mimi.  I mean it, understand?”

Mimi’s eyes grow larger and she nods.  “Otay, sissy.”  She fishes out a little piece of bread from her mouth and holds it out to Marlene.  “Here go.  I sorry.”

Marley scrunches up her face.  “No thanks.  Here, I’ll get you more potato salad.  Stay here with Papi.”  She gets up and grabs a small bit of potato salad, then gets herself a chicken wing.  Jesse can say whatever she wants, but Marlene’s still hungry, and the wing looks good.

Chapter Text

“You better hide,” Marley warns Rafael as Sonny comes into the room, dressed in full Santa costume.

“Ho ho ho!” he laughs loudly and merrily, and the kids are squealing and laughing from excitement.  Mimi slowly rises to her feet, and Rafael is glad that they’re toward the back so she’s not hindering anyone else’s view.

“Merry Christmas!” Sonny exclaims as he takes a seat in his sister’s nicest recliner and lowers the pack from his back.  It’s filled with books, one for each child present, and he’ll be passing them out in a few minutes.  “Do I have any good girls and boys here tonight?”

“I am!” “Me too!” “I’m good, Santa!”  The children shout their answers, and slowly Mimi’s hand goes up like everybody else’s, then she says quietly, “Mee mee good girl,” and Rafael can’t help but smile. She’s watching the room carefully like she tends to do when something is new to her, and when her eyes suddenly land on Rafael, they grow very large.  “Pahpee!” she whispers loudly.  “Pahpee be good boy? Santa Taus no spank your butt?”  She shakes her head.

Rafael pulls her to him and into his lap.  “I’ve been a very good boy,” he assures her.  “Don’t worry.  I think Santa’s here to see you kids!”

Her head whips around.  “Santa gonna spank my butt?” she asks worriedly, and all Rafael can hear is his older daughter snickering at his feet.

“No, honey…nobody is getting spanked.  I promise.”  He kicks Marley’s hip gently with his foot, and she turns and makes a face at him.  “Stop,” he mouths at her, and she snickers again and shrugs.

Santa has begun passing out the books; each child gets the opportunity to sit in his lap if they want and chat with him.  Rafael stops paying attention to his daughters and turns his attention to his husband.  He knows how much Sonny enjoys this, how much he loves sharing his love of the holidays with children in particular.  One of Sonny’s favorite memories is of playing Santa when Marlene was a toddler.  Rafael watches now as Sonny’s face lights up, listening to each child, giving each one personal attention, as though he or she is the most important person in the world.  It’s not a talent that Rafael possesses, but it’s something he admires very much in his husband.

“Check it out,” Jesse elbows Marley, nodding toward Rafael, who’s watching Sonny.  “Total heart eyes emoji face.”

Marley snorts.  “He’s probably hoping for a chance in Santa’s lap himself.”  

Jesse’s eyes get wide and Marley blushes, realizing what she just said, and they both start laughing.

“And ho, ho, ho…this one is for a little girl named…Mimi!” Santa announces.

“Dat me!” Mimi says excitedly.  “Hey Santa Taus, dat me!  Dat my name!”

Rafael puts her down.  “Go see Santa and get your book!”

“Otay!”  She turns back to him.  “You stay wight here, Pahpee, otay?”

He nods.  “Got it.”

Mimi hurries to the front of the group.  “It’s very nice to see you, Mimi!” Santa greets.  “Would you like your book?”

She stops close to him, then puts her index and middle finger in her mouth and nods, watching him.  He hands the book to her, and she takes it with one hand, the other still in her mouth as she stares at his face.  “Merry Christmas, Mimi!  Ho, ho, ho!” he says happily, but she continues to stand and stare at him.

Rafael stands, about to rescue his husband, when Mimi mumbles, “Ou Sahdo?”  Bella and Mia, standing nearby, chuckle quietly.

“I don’t know, sweetheart,” Sonny replies.  “Oh look, is that your papi?  Well, when you find your Soleado, tell him I said Merry Christmas!”

“Otay,” she replies quietly as Rafael picks her up.  She continues to suck her fingers as they go sit down, and Sonny calls the next child.

“You okay, Mimi?” Rafael asks as she sits quietly in his lap, sucking on her fingers.

“Ou Sahdo?” she asks again.  “Meemee miss Sahdo.”  She sniffles a little, and he gives her a squeeze.

“I’m sorry, sweetie.  We’ll see him at home, okay?”

She sighs.  “Otay.”

Chapter Text

“Hi Mimi,” Sonny whispers as he enters her bedroom later that evening.  She’s in her toddler bed, wearing her favorite new nightgown–a purple one featuring the Grinch, Cindy Lou Who, and Max.  

Upon seeing Sonny, her eyes grow wide in surprise and then she smiles and whispers “Hi Sahdo.”

Sonny smiles back and takes a seat on the floor, next to her bed.  “Did you have fun tonight?  Did you see Grammy?”

She nods, still smiling, then pokes at the book lying next to her in the bed.  “Book,” she whispers to him.

“Did you get a new book?” he asks, acting surprised.  “Who gave you that book?”

She giggles, then whispers, “Santa Taus.”

“Santa Claus?”

She nods.  “Yeah.”

He smiles.  “Was that fun?”

“Yeah.” 

He leans over and kisses her cheek and she wraps her arms around him.  “Sahdo,” she whispers, “Meemee wuzhoo, Sahdo.”

He couldn’t ask for any more.  “Sahdo loves you too, Mimi.  Goodnight, sweetheart.”

“Nigh-night.”  She rolls over and closes her eyes.

But he doesn’t leave, at least not for awhile.  Rafael has told him how she looked for him, how she asked for him.  He knows she was confused when he was dressed as Santa, and he felt guilty for keeping up the ruse.  He’s grown to love her, to have a special spot in his heart for her, and he knows that will never change.

As he sits beside her, the song “Mary, Did You Know” begins, and his mind wanders to her mother.  He can only imagine how much Corrine loved this baby girl, because he’s come to understand how very much she loved her first baby.  She loved Marlene enough to sacrifice her desire to raise her, so they both could have better lives.  Sitting here, next to a child that he now considers his own, he wonders if he would be strong enough to make that same sacrifice.  

He reaches over and gently runs his fingers across her forehead and the fuzzy, short hair there.  So far, they’ve kept her hair short and not braided it.  It’s very different from Marlene’s hair, which, while very curly, is finer and doesn’t have the tight curly kink of Mimi’s.  Mimi’s hair clearly came from her father, Javion, as well as her deep, dark skin color.  While Marley is clearly biracial, Mimi appears to be African-American.  Sonny thinks she is beautiful.

His pale hand rests against her dark cheek, and he watches her breathe in and out peacefully.  For a moment, his heart breaks for the mother and father who can’t be here to rock their baby, to see her meet Santa Claus, to watch her grow.  Instinctively, Sonny knows that is what Corrine wanted most in the world–to mother this child.  And she’s not here to do it.  Her loss is his blessing, and that thought boggles his mind.  He leans forward and kisses her on the cheek, feeling tremendous love and guilt and pain and gratitude, all at once.

He listens as the music plays, “Did you know that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?”  And he softly joins in: “And when you kiss your little baby, you’ve kissed the face of God?”

He wipes his own tears away.  This little girl has truly wrapped herself around his heart, and that’s the sweetest Christmas gift he’s ever received.

Chapter Text

There’s an ornament on the Barba-Carisi Christmas tree that has a special, honorary place on their tree.  It’s Marlene’s, and it’s from their old friend Jay.  It’s a princess ornament, and on the back, there’s a heart and the name Mr. Jay. It’s hand-carved from an old piece of wood, then dressed with some frilly lace, and a face was painted on as well.  Every year, Marley finds a special place for it, and they always reminisce about Jay and wonder how he’s doing.

Marley can’t remember a time she didn’t know Mr. Jay, but her dads can.  Jay was a homeless veteran who used to walk their old neighborhood.  In addition to being homeless, he also had some mental health issues, which frequently landed him in jail.  It was a typical case that many mentally ill New Yorkers knew well; roaming the streets and eventually being without medication, Jay would act increasingly bizarre until somebody called the cops.  Attempting to self-medicate, Jay was often drunk by that point, and the cops would haul him in to sober up.  Counselors would try again to find shelter for him and get him back on medication.  By himself and with no real home or helpful guidance, it was a bandage solution at best.  Jay always ended up back on the street and drunk within weeks.  But he’d always been kind to Rafael and Sonny, and something about him made their baby giggle; over time, they forged a tentative kind friendship with the man, often giving him extra change or food.

That all changed a handful of years ago, when Jay finally got a spot in one of the city’s halfway houses.  Rafael, Sonny, and Marley made a point to bring him lots of wonderful things to make it feel home-y, and the dads kept their fingers crossed that Jay would do well there.  They knew that he had a daughter and family in Oregon, but as far as they knew, he had no family in New York.  They made a point of becoming semi-regulars in Jay’s life, visiting and bringing him treats every few months.  When things got rough for a bit and Jay lost his job due to cutbacks, he’d nearly given up.  Sonny saw him panhandling, and took him back home.  They had a good conversation about how hard change can be.  And two weeks later, Jay had a new job, paying slightly better than the one he’d lost.

Eventually, the time came for Jay to move out of the halfway house, and he decided to move back to Oregon with his family.  His decision had surprised everyone, but he seemed confident in it.  He’d spent a lot of time reconnecting with his family, his ex, and his daughter, and he was excited to see them again.  The therapist he’d been seeing through the city’s social services program helped him plan things out and ensure he would have his medications covered until he’d had a chance to see a new doctor.  He was going to start off living with his mother.

The day before he left, the Barba-Carisis visited him one last time.  They brought him a new suitcase and a bag of traveling goodies, some homemade.  Rafael couldn’t believe that this was the same man they used to feed and clothe on the street.

He had presents for them, too.  He’d given Rafael a new Tom Clancy book, because Rafael had given Jay his old kindle; he gave Sonny some cookies from a local bakery, because Sonny often provided him with treats; and he gave Marlene the carved princess ornament and some candy.  “You always remind me of a princess, Miss Princess,” he told her, smiling through teary eyes, and she hugged him.  She was going to miss Mr. Jay.

And at times she had.  Every year, when she hung the ornament, she and her dads talked about Mr. Jay and wondered where he was and what he was doing.  Was he still healthy and taking good care of himself?  Had he seen his daughter and his ex girlfriend?  Was he still living with his mom, or had he been able to make his dream come true, of living by himself one day?

A couple of times, they got Christmas cards from him.  The cards said he was thinking about them at Christmas, and he missed them.  He said that the family always made him feel happy at Christmas and he hoped they were doing well.  They always put those cards in special places, so they could remember Jay more easily.

***

“Rafi!  Marlene!  Come here!” Sonny shouts as he enters the apartment.  He tosses everything to the side other than a card in his hands, and as Rafael enters the room, he can see his husband is literally shaking.

“What is it?” he asks immediately, unsure if it’s really good or really bad.  Sonny’s already sunk onto the couch, reading nonstop.  Marley comes running from her bedroom, with Mimi and Pru right behind her.

“Is everything okay?” she asks, and leans over her father’s shoulder.

“Yeah, Sahdo! You tay?” Mimi asks, trying to squeeze herself between Sonny and the card, but Marley’s already exclaiming, “Oh my God…Daddy!  Is that–oh my God!  That’s Mr. Jay, isn’t it?”

“Oh my God,” Rafael murmurs, taking a look at the photo on the front of the card.  It’s of a clean-cut man maybe a few years older than him, a woman about his age, and a teenage girl.

“It is,” Sonny says, mindlessly letting Mimi climb into his lap.  “He’s doing so well, Rafi.  He’s gotten married to this woman in the picture, and I guess that’s his daughter he used to talk about.  He says that he sees her every weekend.  He’s sober and –”

“Would you just read it to us?” Rafael finally says, exasperated, as Marley adds, “Yeah!”

“Oh yeah, sorry,” Sonny half-laughs, then starts to read.

Dear Mr. Rafael, Mr. Sonny, and my favorite little Princess,

I hope this finds you well!  I’m sorry that I haven’t written in awhile but I’ve been busy working on some things, namely my family.  I got married this year to Ann, the lovely lady in the picture.  The other, younger lovely lady is my daughter Diana that I used to talk about.  She’s almost eighteen now.  It’s hard to believe!  I see her every weekend, and take her to dinners and movies and shopping.  If you haven’t had to take Miss Princess shopping yet, just you wait!  Taking a teenage girl to the mall is an experience, I tell you!

I wanted to thank you for the incredible kindness your family showed me during the roughest time of my life.  I have schizophrenia, and I had a hard time staying medicated for awhile.  I’ve done really well since being out here again.  I got accepted into an outpatient program for schizophrenics at a hospital nearby and the medication, for me, has been life-changing.  I no longer feel the need to drink.  I enrolled part time in community college here, taking courses in English!  Can you believe that, Mr. Rafael?  All those books you gave me paid off!  And I’m working part time in a bookstore.  I love it, and I’m good at it.  I never thought I’d say I was good at anything, but I just did!

I really hope you folks know that you saved my life.  Many times.  There were times I would have frozen or starved to death if it hadn’t been for you.  Mr. Sonny, the night you picked me up from the corner, I wasn’t planning on being alive the next day, but you believed in me enough to make me believe in myself.  And Miss Princess…you have the heart of an angel.  Just one of those sweet smiles kept me wanting to see my precious daughter Diana, and praying that one day it could happen.  And now it has!

Ann, Diana, and I hope all of you are having a wonderful Christmas!  Truly, your family taught me what Christmas was supposed to be about, and I will never forget that gift.  If you’re ever out in the Portland area, give me a call: 555-555-5555.  And yeah, it’s my REAL number!  Somebody actually sold me a phone!

Much love,

Jay, Ann, and Diana”

“That’s incredible,” Rafael finally says.  “I’m so, so happy for him.”

“I’m so proud of my dads,” Marley replies, smiling at one, then the other.  “You guys are real heroes.  You know that?”

Sonny hasn’t said anything.  He’s still thinking about the night he brought Jay back to his room at the halfway house.  He had no idea that Jay was suicidal that night.  The thought now gives him shivers.  He hasn’t realized it, but he’s crying.

“Sahdo, why you try?” Mimi asks, wiping one of his tears away.

He smiles at her.  “Because my friend is so happy,” he tells her.  “Because my friend reminded me what Christmas is all about…loving people.  Being kind.  Trying to be like Jesus all year long.”

“You ever think you set the bar just a little too high for me?” Marlene asks, winking at Sonny when he looks at her.

“Oh, we have nothing but faith in you, princesa,” Rafael tells her, kissing her cheek, and Sonny blows a raspberry on Mimi at the same time.

Chapter Text

It was so hard to live without her baby.

Sometimes, Corrine thought she’d made the biggest mistake of her life, and she wasn’t even twenty yet.  She wondered every day what her baby was doing, if her dads were really the right parents for her.  Once she went to the courthouse and sat in the back of the gallery while Mr. Barba was trying a case.  He was so kind to the victim, a girl who had been raped by her older boyfriend, and it made her wonder what he and Mr. Carisi would’ve said if she had told them the truth about her baby’s father.  And when the man was testifying, Mr. Barba seemed so much bigger than he was.  His eyes flashed and his voice thundered, and when Corrine went home that night, she knew her baby was safe…that Mr. Barba wouldn’t let anyone hurt her.

Birthdays and Christmas were the hardest times.  Last year, she had stayed in bed all Christmas day.  Every time she thought about kids opening presents, or seeing Santa, her chest tightened until she felt like she couldn’t breathe.  She lay in bed for hours, wondering if she’d ever see her baby again.  What if her daughter chose not to meet her when she became an adult?  What if her fathers told her that she, Corrine, was a bad person?  

She was in bed again, a week before Christmas, when her nonna knocked on the door.  “Are you going to help us?” she asked, dusting flour off of her hands.  “You always like to help with the cutting and decorating.”

“No thanks.”  She couldn’t bring herself to meet Nonna’s eyes.

“I know you miss her.  You wouldn’t be my sweet girl if you didn’t.  What if you make her a cookie, Corrine?  Make her a cookie and send it to her.  If she were here, that’s what you would share with her, isn’t it?”

“But she’s not,” Corrine replied, voice trembling.  “And she never will be, because I gave her away to somebody else–”

“You gave her chances she wouldn’t get here.”  Nonna sat on the edge of the bed and patted Corrine’s back.  “Brave.  Strong, that’s my girl.  Come make her a gingerbread cookie.  We can mail it to her.  Doing something for that baby will make you feel better.”

“I’m not supposed to contact them, remember?” she said dully.  “It’s part of the agreement.”

“Aren’t they lawyers? All agreements are negotiable.  Send it with a note asking if it’s okay to send one each year, and if it isn’t you don’t do it again.”  Nonna shrugged her thin shoulders.  “You never know if you don’t try.  You know that, little girl.”  She stood and headed toward the door.  “C’mon.  I need help to cut out the boys and girls.”

Sighing heavily, Corrine tossed the blanket back and followed her nonna into the kitchen.

***

“Here, Mimi.  You decorate this one.  You want the pink or the purple to start?” Marley asks.

Sonny and Marlene had been working on the art of gingerbread over several weekends, finally settling on an overnight recipe that seemed to make a sturdy, tasty cookie that Marley felt resembled Corrine’s.  It’s Christmas week, and they’ve made the dough, chilled it overnight, cut it out and baked it.  All that’s left is decorating, and that’s a part Mimi can help with.  

When Sonny first mentioned working with gingerbread to Marley, he wasn’t sure how she was going to take it.  He knew that she’d had some mixed feelings a couple years before, when Corrine had sent a gingerbread cookie of a baby, along with a note announcing her pregnancy.  Marley had chosen to eat the baby instead of hang it on the tree like she usually did.  But when he’d suggested that they make gingerbread, thinking it was a way she might feel more connected to her birth mother, she’d readily agreed and said, “That’ll be great for Mimi.  She’ll wanna know how her whole family loved gingerbread!”

Mimi puts a finger to her lips.  “Uh…I want puhple, Sissy,” she decides, and Marley hands her the purple decorating icing.  She helps guide the toddler’s hand to trace the skirt. “Meemee tookie!” she announces proudly when they finish, and Sonny picks it up to move it to a safe place to dry.

As they work along, Marley wonders if Corrine did this with Mimi last year.  Last year, Corrine had sent her a gingerbread piano and a musical note.  They were both beautiful, but it was hard for Marley to appreciate them then.  She was mad at Corrine, still struggling to understand the woman’s rejection of her personally while still sending her something like a cookie.  But now, she wishes she was receiving a cookie this year.  She wonders what Corrine would have made for her.

“You good there, dolly?” Sonny asks, noticing how quiet she’s been.

“Yeah…just wondering what Corrine would’ve sent me this year.”  She moves a couple more cookies over to dry.

He doesn’t answer her right away; instead, he finishes working on the Christmas tree he’d been decorating.  Finally, he hums.  “I think if she could see you now?  If she could see you now, she’d be sending you something for an incredible big sister.  She could do a singer, a swimmer, an incredible student, a great friend…but you’ve really worked hard to be a sister, Marlene.  I know it’s got to have been difficult, going from being an only child to a big sister of a toddler like this.  But you’re a champ.  You’re amazing.”

Her eyes well with tears, and he wraps an arm around her, hugging her close.  “Thanks, Daddy,” she whispers.  She didn’t know her dads had any idea how she felt inside.

He smiles at her, then leans down so they’re eye to eye.  “You have a wonderful, kind heart, dolly,” he says.  “Don’t ever forget how important your heart is.”

“I won’t,” she agrees, wiping her tears away, just as Sonny curses softly.

She turns to see her sister on the floor, squeezing a stream of purple icing into Pru’s mouth and giggling.  “Dere you go, good girl!  Good Pwu baby!”

Chapter Text

“Hi Davis!” Rafael greets the teenager, shoving down the thoughts wondering why this kid’s so interested in his daughter.  Extending his hand to the boy’s mother, he says, “Hi, I’m Rafael, one of Marlene’s dads.”

“It’s so nice to meet you in person, Rafael.  I’m Lisa, Davis’ mom.” She smiles widely, but he can see her giving Marlene the once-over too. “I’m so glad we could get the kids together this evening to skate…I know Davis is so excited to see Marley again.”

“Okay Mom, we’re gonna get our tickets and skate, okay?” Davis and Marley are grinning at each other so widely that part of Rafael wants to puke at the cuteness of it all.  This is SO much more Sonny’s game than his. 

But Lisa’s already answering.  “Okay, honey.  Just meet me back here in a couple of hours, if that’s okay with Marlene’s dad.”  She turns to Rafael.  “I was just going to hang out, maybe try skating myself.  I’ve never been skating at Rockefeller center before.  Is it okay to wind things up around nine?”

“That’s great,” Rafael tells her.  “I’m not much of a skater, so I’m just going to hang out here.”  Nodding at his daughter, he calls, “Have fun…I’m here if you need anything!”

He watches her roll her eyes and then take off skating, before circling back around to slow down for Davis.

Lisa chuckles.  ‘Marlene’s such a good skater,” she comments, sitting down to put on her own skates.  “Davis is definitely a beginner.  I know he wanted to impress her, but I told him there’s nothing wrong with learning something new and being honest about it.”

“Very true,” Rafael replies.  “I’m awful at it, and she knows it.  She’s picked it up from skating with a friend of hers.”

“I understand she’s quite a swimmer as well, like Davis.  He told me they both are on swim teams at their schools.”  Lisa ties her skates.  “I have to admit, I’ve really pushed him in that direction.  I was on the swim team, and he had a talent for it.  Do you or your husband swim?”

Rafael chuckled.  “Sonny was more into baseball in school.  I was in debate, and did a bit with music…we got Marley involved in swimming as a baby.  It was relaxing for her and she loved it, and I guess it just kind of grew from there.  She definitely loves it, though.”

Carefully, Lisa rises to her feet, and Rafael can tell she has about as much experience as her son does.  “I’m doing this more to brag about it back home than anything else,” she laughs, clutching onto the rail and slowly making her way to the ice.  

“That’s as good a reason as any,” he agrees, grinning, and she carefully steps onto the rink.  “Have fun out there!”

***

“That’s it!  You’ve got it!” Marlene encourages Davis to keep going.  His arms are out, awkwardly askew, but he’s balancing okay and she’s really excited for him.  “Look at you!  That’s so cool!  It’s hard to skate on ice the first time but you’re doing great!”

Davis gives a hesitant laugh.  “I wouldn’t try this for just anyone, y’know.  I was really kinda hoping you’d wanna see a movie.”

They both laugh, and she takes his hand as they slowly make their way around the rink.  “I’m so glad you guys got to come to Manhattan for Christmas,” she says.  “I’ve missed seeing you a lot.”

“Yeah, but we text and call each other, so that’s okay, right?” he asks, and tries to look at her, but loses his courage when he almost falls.  She helps him regain his balance, and they keep going.

“Yeah, sure.”  She squeezes his hand.  “It’s so funny how we met this summer, and then, boom!  I had no idea you came to New York almost every Christmas for a weekend.  The world is really a small place, huh?”

“Yeah, for sure.  Do you know if your dads are still thinking about going to the OBX next summer?” he asks.  

“I hope so,” she tells him “but I don’t know yet.  I keep hoping they’ll buy the same week as your parents, and then we know we’d see each other then.  That would be so cool.”  She suddenly points at a couple skating toward the center of the rink, who are clearly quite skilled.  “Look at that!” she says, in awe.  “I always wish I could do stuff like that!”

They watch as the couple skate seamlessly, leaping and spinning in tandem.  “That’s so cool that you can come out here and see that stuff whenever you want,” Davis sighs.  “It’s really awesome.”

“Hey,” Marley nudges him, pointing toward a woman moving slowly nearby, “isn’t that your mom?”

He laughs.  “Yeah.  The only person worse on skates out here than me, apparently, is my mom.”  They both giggle together, watching the woman flounder on the ice.

“At least she’s trying,” Marley says.  “You should see my dad on the ice.  It’s like watching a newborn calf trying to stand.  It’s painful.”

“Which dad?” Davis asks.

Marley shrugs.  “Either,” she replies, and they both laugh again.

***

“Thanks for taking me, Papi.”  They’re in the uber, on the way back home.  “That was such a great time!  And guess what?  Davis said he’s gonna talk to his mom about next year, and they might even include me when they go to see the Nutcracker!  Wouldn’t that be cool, Papi?”

Rafael silently wonders when their definitions of “cool” became so different.  “That’s very thoughtful,” he says.  “It was nice to meet Davis’ mom, and I’m glad you two had fun skating.”

“Have you and Daddy thought any more about us going to the OBX next Labor Day again?” she asks anxiously, and he feels himself stiffen at the thought.

He doesn’t mean to.  He knows she’s thirteen, and it’s normal for her to be interested in boys and dating.  Moreover, Davis is a nice kid, or seems so.  He’s been respectful so far and has followed the rules that the parents have all set down.  But Rafael also knows that his daughter is thirteen, and he’s been a fourteen-year old boy before.  A nice one, too…who still had the same thoughts and urges as every other fourteen-year old boy.

The fact of the matter is that he and Sonny have been tossing around the OBX vacation idea for far too long.  If it weren’t for Davis, they would have already invested in a timeshare week, but he will never admit that to his daughter.

“We’re still thinking about it,” he tells her, “but Daddy and I are very clear about what you’d like to do and why.”

She nods, then takes his hand and squeezes it, like she always has.  “I wonder what Daddy and Mimi are doing,” she says out loud, and when he chuckles, she turns to look at him.  “Probably eating Christmas cookies and watching the Grinch,” she jokes, and then they both laugh out loud.  Mimi’s a little obsessed, and when she’s not pretending to be in her own Grinch play, she’s watching the animated version of it.

“Papi,” she says suddenly, her fingers wound in his, “how old do I need to be to date someone?  Or to have a boyfriend?” She’s looking at him, eyes wide, and he knows this is what she’s anxious about.  This is what she’s been wanting to say since they got in the uber.  

Somehow, his answer of twenty-five  seems a bit irrational.

“I don’t know,” he says slowly, wishing to God Sonny was here right now.  “That’s kind of serious for someone your age…did Davis ask you to be his girlfriend?”

“No,” she replies honestly, “but we’ve kind of talked about it some.  I mean, you know, a lot of kids at school are dating people.  And I start high school in the fall.  I don’t want to date just anybody…I’m just asking so I know, like, what you and Daddy think is appropriate.  ‘Cause we haven’t ever really talked about that.  Not recently, anyway.”

“You’re right, we haven’t,” he replies.  “I think we need to sit down with your daddy and talk together, but I can tell you that from my perspective, I still think you’re too young to be anyone’s girlfriend.  I think it’s fine for you to go out as friends, like you did tonight, though.”

She nods, and they ride in silence until they reach the building.  Once inside, they get in the elevator and as she presses the button for them to go up, he notices her expression is one that’s a bit more serious, and he wonders what she’s thinking.  “You okay?” he asks, gently poking her side.

“Yeah,” she tells him, then forces a smile that he knows is just for his benefit.  “Thanks again, Papi…I just miss him a little, I guess.”

He doesn’t know what to say, so he kisses the top of her head and prays for time to slow down.

Chapter Text

“You know,” Rafael murmurs quietly, “sometimes I think this is my favorite night of the whole year.”  Seeing Sonny’s expression turn quizzical, he continues.  “Oh, I know it’s stressful and busy, and it seems to get crazier every year, but this–this time together, with you…it’s more beautiful every year, isn’t it?” 

Sonny strokes his husband’s hair, gazes into those lovely green eyes. “Definitely,” he whispers back, then cups Rafael’s face and kisses him deeply.  Rafael relaxes into the kiss, enjoying the feel of being held and loved by this man, the one who calls him “my husband”.  The one he’s sworn to love for the rest of his life, the one who completes his world.

“I want to make love with you,” he whispers against Sonny’s lips.  “I want to feel you inside me, to know you love me, to know I love you.  I want to make you feel good, Soleado.  I want to touch you everywhere, until I’ve memorized every single inch of you.”  He places a hand on either side of Sonny’s face.  “Si?”

“Yes,” Sonny replies softly, and his voice is low, gravelly with emotion.  “Always.  You know I’ll always love you, Rafi…and this night is a night full of promises for everyone.”  He smiles awkwardly but doesn’t bother to explain himself.  With any other lover, he’d feel foolish, self-conscious to share that his thoughts are also on his spirituality.  But Rafael knows what he means, no matter how oddly he words it, and accepts him completely.  Rafael knows him more intimately than anyone else ever has or ever will.

There’s something about making love on such a holy night that makes both of them feel particularly blessed to have one another, like God Himself is smiling upon their marriage.  Sonny often thinks about their marriage in terms of a covenant on this night.  He’s reminded of how serious his commitment is, and that Rafael takes it just as seriously.  Over the years, that commitment has only grown stronger.  He can’t imagine a life without his husband.  He’d just as soon imagine a world without water or air, without sun or earth.

The music is soft and the lights twinkle as fingers and lips stroke and kiss skin, spreading warmth and heat in their wake.  No matter how many times they’ve done this, there’s always a sense of excitement, of urgency, of desire.  Tonight they move more slowly, taking their time, and reveling in the touches they give to one another.  Sonny’s lips leave a trail of soft purple bruises, from low on his lover’s neck, over his chest and stomach, to his hips and thighs before finally tasting him slowly.  Rafael hums in pleasure, in the beauty of being adored, as Sonny’s mouth and lips and tongue leave tracks all over him.  “Look at you, so hard and ready,” Sonny murmurs wetly, then licks his way to the tip of Rafael’s manhood.  “Gorgeous.”

“I want you,”  Rafael whines in response, “Sonny…mi Soleado…te amo, mi amor.”  And a few minutes later, when Sonny enters him, Rafael clutches the man’s shoulders and pulls him closer, finally satisfied when he can at last suck on his neck, his shoulder.

There are times when they’re playful, other times they’re wrapped up in fantasy or roleplay; tonight, they passionately mark one another and declare who they belong to.  “Mine,” Sonny growls as he grows closer, thrusting more deeply, “You’re mine, Rafi…always for me…Nobody else, ever…tell me, guapo.  Tell me you’re mine…only mine…”  He feels a nip on his ear as his hair gets tugged forcefully.

“Fuck me, Sonny…hard…” Rafael’s hands clutch at either side of Sonny’s head for just a moment, and they lock eyes.  “Te amo, Soleado… siempre, ” is the reply, and Sonny watches his husband’s crucifix move in rhythm on his chest until Rafael arches in pleasure, eyes rolling back, and lets out a soft hiss of “yes…”

Watching him is the best pornography Sonny has ever seen, and he follows just seconds later, closing his own eyes and getting lost in his climax.  When he opens his eyes again, he’s lying on top of Rafael, feeling the gentle stroking of a hand up and down on his back.

“I hope I’m never too old for this,” Sonny murmurs as he withdraws and moves to the side.  The music is still playing, the tree is still twinkling, and it’s the best way he’s ever heard of to welcome in Christmas.

“You won’t be,” Rafael reassures him.  “Something about me keeps all my lovers young.”  At Sonny’s chuckle, Rafael grins and kisses him.  “Feliz Navidad, Soleado…may we find ourselves in this same situation in another 365 days.”

“God willing,” Sonny adds, wrapping his arms around Rafael, and settling back for a peaceful sleep.

Chapter Text

“Mee…mee,” Marlene sings softly as she sits next to her sister’s toddler bed.  “Wake up, sissy…Santa Claus came for you…”

Slowly, the toddler’s eyes flutter open.  She reaches toward her face and rubs her eyes with her fists and yawns, then closes her eyes and rolls over.  Marlene gives her a little shake, then tries again.  “Mimi baby, guess who brought you some presents?” 

Mimi rolls over again to face her, yawning.  “Sahdo?” she asks, rubbing her eyes again.

Marley grins, biting her tongue to keep from disclosing the truth.  “Close,” she settles on.  “Santa came!  You musta been a good girl, too, because he brought you stuff.”  Her voice drops to a dramatic whisper.  “He brought you toys. ”

The little girl’s eyes suddenly widen comically.  “Santa?” she asks, sitting up quickly.  “Santa Taus bwing Meemee da toys?” she asks, and Marlene nods.  “ALL da toys?”

“You gotta learn to be less greedy,” Marley scolds her, as the toddler climbs out of her bed. “He brought you all the toys for YOU.”

“Yeah!” Mimi nods.  “Santa bwing all da toys for Meemee!” She follows her sister into the living room, where Sonny is sitting in the recliner, sipping on a hot mug of coffee.  Rafael is on the other side of the island that divides the two rooms, pouring himself a cup.

“Well good morning, my littlest love!” he exclaims, scooping her up and blowing raspberries onto her cheeks.  “Merry Christmas, Miss Mimi!”

“No, Sahdo!” she exclaims, giggling as she tries to push away from him.  Each time he blows on her, she launches into giggles again.  Marley takes a seat on the couch next to Rafael, who’s just settled there with his coffee.

“She just owns him,” the older girl comments, making a face.

“I know, right?” Rafael replies, smirking.  “Reminds me of when you were that age and had TWO dads wrapped around your little fingers.”  She sticks her tongue out at him, and he grins.  “Why don’t you pass out the presents?”

“Okay,” she agrees, but just as she stands, Mimi takes a running dive into the pile, arms out.  “Hey!  Don’t do that!” Marlene cries, and Sonny appears from over her shoulder, picking up Mimi and moving her back.

“No, Sahdo!” Mimi yells.  “MY toys!  Santa bwing me ALL da toys!”

“Mimi.”  Sonny sits on his knees in front of her so he can see her eyes.  “Santa brought toys for everyone.  You get some, and Sissy gets some, and Papi gets some, and I get some.  Marley’s gonna read the names Santa wrote, and she’ll give you the ones that are for you.  Do you want to sit–”

“NO!” she declares loudly, crossing her arms.  “MIMI’S toys!”

“You can sit here with me and open your toys, or you can sit in your bedroom until you’re ready to listen,” he says firmly.

“I hope she’s got a pack of diapers in there,” Marley snarks, “cause this is gonna take forever.”

“Hey,” Rafael says sharply, pointing at their oldest.  She rolls her eyes, but stops talking.

“Are you ready to sit with me now?” Sonny asks her, patting the floor next to him.

“No!” she tells him, walking away.  “I sit wif Pahpee.”  She climbs onto the couch next to Rafael, who shoots Sonny an eyeroll and a smirk as he helps her get settled.

“Okay, Marley Mae, I think we’re ready now,” Sonny nods at her, and she starts to read the tags and distribute the packages.  As the first couple packages go to other family members, Mimi begins to look distressed.

“No, sissy!  Dat mine!” She looks desperately at Rafael as Marlene hands him a package.  “Dat Meemee’s toy?”

He smiles at her gently.  “No, this one is for me, love.  Would you like to help me open it in a minute?” She nods and hesitantly reaches for it, and he lets her have it.  “Okay, let’s wait until Sissy is done passing out all the presents…ooh, look at this stack!  Here are all yours, Mimi!”

“Yeah!” she tells him, still focused on the present he handed her.  “Meemee’s stack!”

“Okay, Mimi, you go first,” Sonny tells her.  “You get to open one present, and then it’ll be somebody else’s turn.”

“Otay, Sahdo!” she exclaims, and rolls Rafael’s present over and over, unsure of what to do.  Rafael tugs at a corner of the paper, and it gives way.  That’s all it takes, and Mimi has the paper off of his present in record time.

It’s a coffee mug that he’s wanted to replace his old one, and he immediately shoots Sonny a look of gratitude.  “Thanks, babe,” he says, but Sonny’s fighting back laughter, and points at Mimi.  Rafael turns his attention back to the little one in his lap, who’s turning the box back and forth in her hands and making a look that screams sheer disgust.  She holds it between her hands, then loudly says, “HUH?!?” Looking up at Rafael, she asks, “What dis?”

He’s trying not to laugh.  “It’s a coffee mug.”

She still looks disgusted.  “Santa Taus bwing me a mug?”

“No,” he corrects.  “Santa Claus brought me a mug.”

“This is gonna be a long morning, isn’t it?” Marley moans from the floor, as Sonny rips the paper off his first gift.

***

Two hours later, all the presents are opened and they’re finishing up brunch.  “Here, Pwu baby,” Mimi calls the little pug, and she comes running as fast as she can on her tiny legs.  Mimi gives her a piece of pancake, giggling as the dog eats.  Pru tries to lick syrup off her own nose, and Mimi giggles until the dog tries to lick her face, too.  “No, no, Pwu baby!” she laughs, rolling onto the floor.  “Silly doggy!  So silly!”

“Something tells me Pru isn’t the only silly one around here,” Sonny says, tickling Mimi’s belly, and she squeals.  Sonny picks her up by her heels and swings her around, stepping into the living area where there’s more room.  

Marley’s watching them off and on, when she’s not playing with her phone.  She got a new model this year, something she’d asked for, and while she’s not thrilled with the model her dads chose, at least it’s better than the baby phone with all the ridiculous protections her last one had.  After a few minutes of fiddling, she figures out how to record, and manages to catch her dad and little sister being goofy.  Playing it back to herself, she snorts at their behavior.  

“What?” Rafael says, turning his attention away from his new book and over to her.

“Nothin’,” she starts to say, then glances up at him again.  “Did you and Daddy really play with me like that?” she asks.  “I don’t remember that.  I remember making breakfast with Daddy, and reading and singing with you, and doing puzzles and playing with my dolls and sometimes my legos…”

Rafael puts his book down.  “Your dad definitely played with you like that.  That’s very much how Daddy likes to play.”  Watching Sonny and Mimi with affection, he smiles warmly.  “You loved it, too.  You would squeal and laugh, and at her age, he was definitely your favorite dad.  He was fun and funny, and I was trying to learn how to be a good dad to you.”

She doesn’t remember that.  In fact, it’s hard to remember a time when Papi wasn’t the one home with her all the time.  She can’t really recall a time when either of her dads seemed not to know what to do, or a time when all of that attention wasn’t given to her, nearly a hundred percent.  But before she can consider much more, Papi interrupts her thoughts.

“Hey mija,” he nudges her, holding his phone in front of both of them, “look at this.”

It’s a video of her and Sonny at the park on a snowy day when she was probably about Mimi’s age.  She’s tiny and giggling, and is spinning in circles with her tongue out, tasting the snow.  “Wookit, Daddy!” she squeals.  “Marwee eat snow!”

And Sonny scoops her up into his arms.  “Get it, dolly!” he teases her, and they’re both laughing.  He starts to spin her around, and she hears Rafael off screen.  

“Don’t make her puke, Sonny!” he says, a mix of laughter and worry. 

Marley now can’t help but smile at little Marley on the screen.  “I was pretty cute, huh?” she teases.  “Would you mind sending that video to me?”

“Sure,” he tells her.  “Just remember, everything good and fun you see us do with her?  You taught us how to do that stuff.”  Then his sharp green eyes are meeting hers.  “I mean it.”

“Thanks, Papi,” she says, then wraps her arms around him in a hug.  “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, mija.”