Chapter Text
Spock heard only white noise as he sat perfectly straight on the biobed. The cool colors of the room were blurred in his vision as he recalled the first time he met Jim Kirk. It was during his trial examining the fact that he cheated on the Kobayashi Maru.
That was so long ago, many years ago when they were still in the Academy. Now they were a few months into their five-year mission, and everything was different. Or so Spock hoped. He and his captain had got off to a rough start, and it was awkward between them for quite some time until Spock had come to respect him. There was not much one could say against Jim Kirk. He was a star, a shining example of intellect with luck on his side. He never failed, always prevailed above all others.
There was no fault in him, only starlight. He glowed like a star, Spock knew as much. Just being around him usually altered Spock's mood positively. But that most likely had the opposite effect on the captain. Spock knew he was like a dark cloud, draining the energy and optimism from people. No one wanted to be around him, and Spock understood completely. He didn't want to be around himself. That is why it was so fascinating that the captain spent so much time with him. He found it strange that Kirk could spend time with anyone, any of his friends, and yet he chose Spock. Surely he could not come up with a reason. Humans were illogical after all. Spock wasn't even his friend, barely a part of the crew, which was his fault as well. Sure he had Nyota, but making friends with others was proving to be extremely difficult. Social settings had always made him queasy, and he could only handle so much before becoming overwhelmed. The whole ordeal proved to be too much trouble for the possible benefit.
Many things were too much trouble for the benefit.
He deserved this, this emptiness that consumed him. Spock was hollow, a walking carcass full of memory banks with no authentic input of any kind. He only computed numbers, not feelings, and even then he sometimes couldn't do that. He was selfish and cruel to anyone who tried to get close to him, and that was not fair to them. So he'd rather be alone. But then Kirk was there, still. A constant being of light who would not be pushed away so easily.
But it was for the better to just go away and leave him where no one else could get hurt. This was a battle best fought alone, and the sooner Kirk realized that, the better.
"Spock?"
A voice brought him back to the cool-colored room in medbay, where he sat on the biobed. The white noise was soon replaced by true sound and his eyes met Doctor Mccoy's.
"You alright? You kind of zoned out there." Leonard cocked his head slightly, and Spock's eyes fell to the floor. He was daydreaming again. Why couldn't he just focus for one minute?
"I am fine, doctor," Spock said after a moment, making sure to keep his voice even. Regardless, Leonard gave him a skeptical look and the silence between them stretched into almost uncomfortable.
"I asked you how you're doing. It's part of your check-up."
"Oh," The vowel sounded round in his mouth. "I am functioning at normal parameters." The furrow of his eyebrows increased. "Has someone submitted a complaint regarding my job performance?"
"No, no," Leonard waved him off. "I'm just asking. This has nothing to do with your job, Spock. This is about you. How are you feeling?"
Spock opened his mouth to insist that he wasn't, but something stopped him. Why would the doctor ask him such a question? He assumed he was doing an exceptional job of maintaining a stoic appearance, but it seemed that was not the case. Yet another failure on his part, something he would have to address when he was alone.
"I am fine," He heard himself say, though it didn't sound like himself. The words felt bloated in his mouth.
Once again, the doctor was not convinced. "And your social relationships? Are those good?"
"Yes, fine," Spock said hurriedly. He had no idea where this intruding questioning was coming from, but he did not like it. The best way to handle this was to get this over with. "Satisfactory."
They would be satisfactory if he had any, of course.
Mccoy set down the PADD and took a step closer to Spock. "If you're going to give me bogus answers, I'll just ask more questions."
"Define 'bogus'," Spock asked flatly, earning a scowl. Maybe if he was lucky, the doctor would yell at him for being so incompetent. But Mccoy kept his head.
"You know what it means. You're not taking this seriously. Now, if you don't answer these questions honestly, I'll just ask more." Mccoy's expression softened momentarily. "Spock, I'm your doctor. This is for the benefit of your health. I'm going to ask you again, how are you feeling?"
"I have already given you an answer," Spock countered sharply, pushing himself off the biobed and gathering his blue uniform shirt from nearby.
"Just answer the question, Spock. It's not that hard!" Leonard threw his hands up in the air before he registered Spock putting back on his shirt. "Wait, we're not finished yet."
"I have answered your questions, I wish to leave," Spock said coldly, his eyes glazed over. His head was starting to pound, signaling the arrival of a headache.
"Spock wait-" Leonard only followed him out of the room through medbay. "I didn't mean to offend you, but I've noticed something's up. You're not your usual self."
"I am fine, I will not repeat myself again, doctor." Spock suppressed a sigh as he headed to the doors, looking behind him.
Just as he did so, he collided head-on with someone, nearly losing his balance, but a warm hand caught his arm and pulled him upright.
"Spock," The captain smiled, his hand remaining on the Vulcan's arm. Spock could feel the heat through the layer of fabric and suddenly wished it wasn't there. "Bones finally drag you down here too?"
Spock didn't trust himself to answer and kept his eyes trained to his boots. If Kirk was frowning, Spock ignored it, fearing the heartbreak that would follow having caused such an expression. "Captain," He muttered in acknowledgment. The warm hand fell from his arm and the Vulcan walked past Kirk, eager to get out of sickbay despite Mccoy's protests.
He should have said anything to Jim, anything at all other than that simple, cold greeting. But he couldn't. Even as he felt Kirk's eyes on him, he continued down the hall despite his boots weighing him down like concrete.
He told himself it was for the best, better that Jim was far away than hurting too.