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Chapter Text

Tuesday 31st August 1976

The last dregs of summer sun were lighting the halls in a soft golden hue, the impending threat of an early autumn buzzing against the windows as the wind brought thick grey clouds looming over the hills in the distance. The tree branches rustling with their leaves on the turn bestowed the countryside with an early morning tranquillity, perfect for a lazy routine

James rushed down the corridor, socks sliding over the shining wooden floorboards as he made his way to the washroom, internally running through his inventory that kept getting muddled in his brain that was very much still in summer mode! How preposterous that he had to be thinking of packing whilst his skin still itched with the anticipation of a broom ride, his fingers still yearning for the soft leather of a quaffle? When he was still considering going for an evening swim in the lake behind his house’s grounds, the water warmed from the sun’s rays.

It was royally unfair, and he could have sworn his tie was right there on the wash basket?!

“Prongs!” Sirius called for his attention, James poking his head around the door to see his long-haired friend holding up the material in question before disappearing back into James’ bedroom in a flurry of flustered movements of his own.

It was very unlike Sirius to be flustered, but his cheeks were glowing with a soft red that was starting to snake its way down his neck in a tell-tale sign that he was stressed.

Mrs. Potter really had warned them about packing too late, perhaps it had been during the early days of August as she poured them fresh lemonade into two tall glasses. James remembered it clearly, in picture perfect technicolor. Cubes of ice clinking against his glass as James gulped like a parched man lost in the desert, bones still heaving with the exertion from a broom ride with Sirius. They had been care-free, lungs burning with laughter and breathlessness.

James hadn’t been thinking about Hogwarts then.

She had given the exact same speech later in the summer as the four of them sat for dinner in the conservatory. The doors had been left open, little lanterns floating around them and out of the door where the summer heat was still thick in the air. There had been laughter, as there always was with his parents, but his mother had had a disapproving tone as she spoke. James smiled regardless, aware of the hint of mirth sparkling within the sea of her mahogany gaze.

“You boys should really consider packing whilst you still have time.” Her words had been tinted with knowing but fell upon deaf ears all the same as James’ father started up a conversation about the televised quidditch match later that night.

In hindsight, the exacerbation in her tone the last time she’d warned them, suggested that it was a lesson not yet learned between the two lads and James was fully anticipating an “I told you so speech” as he rushed back down the corridor. He did wish he had actually listened though, as he rounded on his room, nearly knocking his house elf Warpy over in the process. James held his hands up in apology as the little creature tried to hide his disdain but failed. James disappeared as quickly as he’d come, slipping into his room where Sirius was half under the bed reaching for God knows what.

“You know – If we missed the train tomorrow, it wouldn’t be so bad, would it?” Sirius remarked, reappearing from beneath the four-poster bed, hair over his face and falling over his shoulders in mahogany tresses.

His light blue eyes sparkled with his usual humour and James couldn’t begrudge his best friend a smile as he snatched his tie from Sirius’ loose grip. He balled it up, throwing it into his trunk and returning to emptying his wardrobe. There were several little charms on the go within the large room, his clothes folding themselves upon landing in his trunk, another straightening the creases from Sirius’ school shirts that had been balled up in July and promptly dismissed. The remaining charms had been cast by the house elves that were tending to the fallout from Sirius and James’s exploration.

“And leave the others without the tales of our summer? They’d simply refuse to board the train!” Sirius laughed at that, taking a seat on the spare bed that was now his.

That of course was brilliant! James had his best friend all to himself, but his arrival came at a price that was better not paid following a particularly tumultuous start of summer at the Black’s. Sirius had turned up on the Potter’s doorstep late one night, eyes red with fallen tears and brow set in a furrow.

James had felt chilled to his bones despite the humidity of the evening as he stared at his friend, clutching white knuckle tight at his trunk, wand still aloft in the other as though expecting a threat of some kind. He’d had a horrible red mark across his cheek, it was ugly and ill-fitting of Sirius and all that he was. It made James’ stomach curl and he dug his fingers into the stairwell banister, feeling the splinter of paint dig up beneath his nails in hope to douse the fire of rage that was building inside of him.

Euphemia had pulled Sirius into a tight hug, whispering words only a mother could into his ear as he hugged her back. He breathed her in and left James watching on helplessly, wishing nothing more than to curse every member of the Black family to hell and back. His father had been there though, hand on his shoulder and alleviating the tension in his body. He’d looked up at Fleamont, his brow soft and mouth downturned. He’d been silent but his blue eyes had spoken to him.

This is a battle too big for you, son. They had said, like James was a pathetic child, and he’d felt it as he turned back to Sirius and saw tears tracking over that angry red mark on his face.

But the summer days had been kind to Sirius as days had stretched into weeks relieving his frame of tension. They hadn’t received an owl back from the Black’s once Euphemia had sent one to let them know that Sirius was with them, and he was safe. Sirius had simply snorted out a laugh, shoveling cereal into his mouth and feigning interest in the Daily Prophet as the Potter’s exchanged wordless glances. And that had been that.

They hadn’t a need to mention the Blacks after that and James did everything he could to help his friend forget them for the remainder of their summer break. The shadows beneath his eyes seemed to lighten with every good night sleep he had under their roof. The strain in the hunch of his shoulders loosened with every murmured gossip shared beneath his quilt with James– their chuckles silenced by a charm and Sirius’ winning smiling brighter than the gentle light from the tip of his wand.

Sirius had had a chaotic homelife for as long as James had known him. His family were not exactly quiet about their status within the wizarding world. Ostentatiously wealthy, they had used their finances and power as a weapon against Sirius since he’d been old enough to understand what an inheritance even was.

James remembered vividly the day they had first met. Sirius had been in a Hogwarts Express carriage by himself on their first journey to the castle. James had been dragging a disheveled family friend named Peter along by his sleeve as they piled into the seemingly free compartment – Sirius had turned on them with a beam that said thank you for saving me.

James had liked him straight away, despite him looking slightly pompous and over groomed. He’d had smart clothes on underneath his plain black robes, his short hair was gelled aside from a single curl falling onto his forehead and his bright eyes sparkled with intrigue at the two boys making their greetings.

And from there it was simple, really. The three of them spent the journey to Hogwarts unboxing chocolate frogs and charming Peter’s shoelaces into little worms that tickled at his ankles and James remembered the nerves dissipating in his stomach with every sarcastic remark from the boy with the neat, curled hair.

Two things struck him about Sirius, one he was utterly hilarious. And two, he seemed to be extra, extra gifted when it came to magic.

Before they knew it, they had arrived at the castle, the three of them being sorted into their house for the rest of the academic journey, sealing the fate for there on out.

Gryffindor had been called for all three boys, and their meeting felt meant to be. Serendipitous, almost. Sirius, however, had paled when he had been sorted. He threw a worrisome gaze towards the Slytherin table and James remembered following it to find an older wild haired witch and others around her looked completely indifferent as they watched the youngest Black take a seat on the bench of gold and red. They shifted closer to close the space they had left free beside them.

James recalled the anxiety that hung thick in the air as the ceremony continued. Sirius had taken his seat, staring at his hands, and muttering under his breath “my family won’t like that.” His hair was slipping from its gelled state, and he looked a million leagues away from the confident boy in the train carriage. James had scooted closer, nudging him with his elbow and enjoying the way that Sirius’ smile began to light his face up again.

“Of course, they will! Gryffindor is great! Dumbledore himself is a Gryffindor.” In his naivety James couldn’t work out why Sirius’ parents would be anything but proud? Gryffindor meant bravery, it meant pride! James couldn’t wait to write to his parents and tell them the good news as they too had been in Gryffindor!

Yet Sirius looked like he wanted to cry all the same.

Not long into the ceremony, they watched as a skinny sour-faced boy sat on the sorting hat’s stool. He’d had a scarred face, stretching from his jaw all the way across his cheek and another over the bridge of his nose to up below his eye. It was an angry looking thing and their table fell into curious whispers of what had caused them. James swallowed thickly, recalling tales from his childhood of what scars like that meant. That scar screams trouble, someone had interrupted his thoughts, but the sorting hat spoke over her words.

What a terrific mind you have. Very smart indeed… but cunning also. Very cunning. There’s only one choice really… Gryffindor!

The table applauded but the whispers seemed louder still. The boy looked immediately affronted at the attention, glancing nervously towards the table like he was trying to disappear altogether before he even made it there. That’s when Sirius had stood from his bench, silencing some of the whispers. He had a determined look on his youthful face as he reached out and grabbed the boy’s arm all but yanking him down into the space beside him.

Remus frowned at Sirius that day – with a look akin to unwanted affection bubbling behind those hazel eyes. Thank you for saving me. His eyes had said, and James still caught that look on Lupin’s face from time to time as he looked around at his friends even now. Sirius had just nodded, nudging the boy’s scrawny arm.

“If people are gonna talk about your scars, then you might as well be friends with the Noble House of Black’s family disappointment. They won’t know who to whisper about first!”

And Remus had laughed.

From that first night, it had been the four of them navigating the world of Hogwarts together. Over the years they’d shared benches in classrooms and long-library visits trawling over texts that seemed never ending! For better or worse their favored subjects reared their heads along the way. James had learned that he loved his Transfiguration Professor who was also his head of house.

Professor McGonagall was stern but fair. Her praise was earned and never meaningless and James grew to find comfort in her pursed lips and cold stare. The worst of the lessons belonging to Professor Agrimony and his Charms classes. He often said he couldn’t wait to leave the wretched school and well, that didn’t exactly inspire his students! But the Marauders still excelled, Sirius and James having a natural aptitude for spellcasting. Remus was excellent at writing; his essays were always exemplary, but he’d often ask for help with charms which Sirius and James were always happy to oblige in! Petey, wasn’t so confident in either area but they all pulled together to get him by because that’s what friends did.

As well as lessons throughout their years, they’d also started and intervened in various arguments with Slytherin idiots like Mulciber and Snape. Snape was a particularly nasty wretch, that wouldn’t stop following Lily Evans about the place. She seemed to like him enough, her green eyes narrowing at James and his friend’s whenever she’d catch them whispering about the loathsome idiot. But like that would ever stop James, Snape was utterly detestable!

Between them they’d even had their fair share of girlfriends over their Hogwarts careers! (Mostly on Sirius and James’ part, he’d truthfully recall) but those conversations seemed to be occupying more and more of their attention the older they got.

In the middle of it all, at some point, the secret behind Remus’ scarred face had been unearthed.

It had probably been inevitable that Sirius had been the one to see it as one more thing they needed to do together; the way they did everything else. The crusade to help Remus had been something of an obsession for him, until one night in second year, with wide eyes and a maniacal smile, Sirius had thrown an old library book on James’s bed like a declaration.

“Animagi! It’s brilliant – if we learn this then Remus-“

“Stop, it’s madness! Most adult wizards can’t do this kind of magic! And more importantly, it doesn’t stop him being a werewolf, Sirius. Nothing can.” James had said sadly, licorice wand in hand and the other resting on the dusty book page laid out before him.

He still hated the word, it still felt dirty to say, because he still couldn’t fathom how someone so cautious and considerate as Lupin was one of those things.

James appeared to be the voice of reason as he bit his lip hating every second of ruining Sirius’ excitement. Regardless, Sirius had fixed him with a stern look as his words settled in. He curtly shook his head and pointed a determined finger back at the discoloured page. He spoke as he climbed onto James’ bed.

“You’re right. It won’t stop him being a werewolf. But it’ll stop him from being alone out there.” His eyes had seemed to sap the light from the room. He was a second-year student, brow furrowing with the sickening desire to save a boy who couldn’t be saved, and James had sighed.

Once they had talked Petey into it, they’d worked at it, relentlessly and continuously and he still couldn’t forget the day he’d first mastered it. The feeling of his bones shifting his body morphing and the wide-eyed look of wonder on an excited Sirius’ face! He’d jumped up and down on the spot, grabbing at Petey who had paled in apparent fear.

It had all worked out pretty good from there on out. And now they were soon to be sixth years, OWLS done and dusted and a year ahead of them that felt distinctly out of place as it was sandwiched between the busiest years of Hogwarts.

But James was excited, nonetheless.

“Any plans for this year then, Pads?” James asked, charming his trunk closed and reclining back on his bed, smug in the knowledge that he’d managed to pack in a reasonable amount of time. His mother would be impressed! Shocked, but impressed!

“Party, get high, do a little bit of studying in between.” Sirius winked, opening up a packet of Liquorice wands and throwing one towards James who caught it effortlessly.

“You took the words out of my mouth, good sir.”

Wednesday 1^st September 1976

The station was hectic, Euphemia and Fleamont had left them at King’s Cross and Sirius and James had felt particularly grown up as they made their own way to platform 9 ¾.

“Moony, you old dog!” James called out with a laugh as he spotted their friends upon their arrival.

Lupin rounded on him with a furrowed brow on his scarred face. Fellow Gryffindor Marlene McKinnon was at his side, already looking exasperated at James’ appearance, but she was smiling all the same. She had a new corduroy pink coat with a brown faux fur trim, and it made her skin look impossibly paler, freckles exploding across the bridge of her straight nose reddened with the breeze. Mary Macdonald was with her, all thick dark curls that had been pulled into two buns atop her head. She was somehow wearing a mini skirt despite the weather taking a turn for the worse during the late days of August.

“You’ve only been on the platform for five minutes and you’re already flirting with all the girls! Save some for the rest of us!” James added, enjoying the irritation on Remus’ face.

“I’m simply stood here, Prongs. So that really is a rather strange way of admitting that you have no idea what flirting is!” Lupin countered wittily, hazel eyes warming as they fell on Sirius and his bark of laughter as he appeared from behind James.

“Now now, Remus. Not everyone is as gifted as you and me in the art of getting the ladies hot and bothered.” Sirius winked conspiratorially and James had laughed.

Sure, Sirius was most certainly gifted in the arts of charming girls at their school but James didn’t do too bad himself. Especially since his growth spurt during fourth year had meant that his Quidditch training had begun to fill out the muscle of his body just right.

Remus however often said he was more interested in reading. ‘Women are temporarily young James, but literature is forever’. He’d say and Sirius would reply with a short remark of ‘that’s what a virgin would say’.

Remus made a non-committal hum at Sirius’ comment this time however, though he was smirking as he often did whenever the long-haired lad was taking the floor. It was impossible not to listen when Sirius spoke and even now, as a brisk breeze blew his hair off his face in the early autumnal hours, those around him watched him with easy smiles.

James didn’t miss the way Mary’s expression held on a beat longer than the others.

Remus had grown even more over the summer, his slender frame covered by a long patterned knitted jumper that hung loose around his thighs, his scarred hands peeking out from the sleeves of his brown jacket. James had thought his hair had grown slightly too, falling into his eyes in perhaps some unconscious way to hide his heavy facial scar that always went pinker after the warmth of summer. James immediately focused in on the fresh cuts from his latest transformation adorning his neck, just able to be faintly seen from where he had popped his shirt collar.

He wondered if the girls had mentioned them to him yet

“Anyone seen Pete at all?” James asked after a few moments, hands pushed in his denim jacket pocket as he watched the scurrying of younger students and the fuss of crying parents around their group.

The atmosphere on platform 9 ¾ always felt like a welcome home, his bones warming despite the chill as he stood with his friends, the bustle around them sinking into the background with ease that came with years of much the same.  He didn’t want to think too much how this was the penultimate time he would do this, the excitement of being back with his group soon to be a distant memory as his teenage years grew to a close.

“Sucking the soul out of Aurelia, no doubt.” Marlene tittered pulling a face that set Mary off too.

It was most probably true, Peter Pettigrew was spending more and more time with one Aurelia Buckthorn of Ravenclaw and if his letters over summer was anything to go by, Wormy had most certainly reached new heights in his desire to become a man. James had recalled one letter in particular – detailing breast curves and heavy petting- that had Sirius spitting butterbeer over his bed as he tried and failed to keep his laughter to himself.

“Ah, summer of love for old Petey boy.” Sirius mocked; hands placed theatrically on his heart as he canted his head up towards the taller frame of Lupin. He batted his lashes, Remus rolling his eyes at the display as he continued to smoke his cigarette down to the end.

“We mock him, but he did better than any of us over the summer.” James said with raised brows, Sirius almost immediately interrupting him.

“I refuse to believe that he got more action than our Mary, that just doesn’t seem possible!”

“You little Shit, Black!” She laughed, slapping his arm again as Sirius cowered behind Remus who had already sparked up another cigarette during his play of human shield.

James scanned the platform, trying to locate their rotund mate with his wiry golden hair and askew robes but his eyes found another familiar face during his hunt. He instantly felt himself prickle. Sirius’ little brother, Regulus Black was stood further down the platform, his neat black trunk placed elegantly beside him.

It had green piping along the smooth edges, hand-carved serpents coiling through intricately designed ivy vines that spelled out his initials in painted silver. James could vomit at such a flamboyantly Slytherin display of wealth. It always irked him how casual Regulus would stand, despite the fact that his older brother had been outcasted from that family! If James had a brother he knew for a fact he’d rather die than let him go through the hell Sirius went through alone. For all intents and purposes, Sirius was his brother but there was nothing he could do to stop the hardship he faced. But Prince Regulus could do something!

And instead, he chose not to.

He just looked out for himself.

James found himself staring. The younger boy was hard to read as he stood with a contented patience that seemed far more mature than his fifteen years would allude to. The summer seemed to have been as unkind to Regulus as it had to Sirius, his skin had a more ghostly pallor, the shadows beneath his azure gaze darker than James remembered and he wondered what life was like in Grimmauld place for the younger of the brothers. Perhaps it was lined with as much terror as Sirius’. Perhaps his duty to his family name was as resentful, maybe he was stuck because Sirius had already left?

James scoffed.

Unlikely! Regulus was the golden child after all! Sirius had said so himself!

“Earth to James!” Marlene called out with a laugh, waving her hand in front of his face and James turned quickly back to his friends just as Regulus looked towards their group.  “We were just talking about Apparition lessons that will be starting this year! Are you going to be doing it?”

“Of course, he is” A voice said from behind them, and Lily slung an arm around James who leaned into his friend’s warmth. “Any excuse to be the top of the class, aye Potter?” Her cheeky smile and glittering green eyes had him instantly grinning and he shrugged, taking hold of her hand, and patting it gently.

“You’re just jealous that I’m constantly knocking you off your perch.” She looked mock affronted for a moment, pulling herself away and bringing her girls in for hugs.

“Less a perch, more of a high horse with Lils.”  Moony added with a smirk to a chorus of Sirius’ cackles. Lily simply offered him her middle finger as the group was alerted to the train doors finally opening.

As James followed his friends on board, he noticed that Regulus and his perfect trunk had both already boarded.

*

The feast when they arrived at Hogwarts was as magnificent as always, plates and plates stretching down the length of the tables as the students engaged in animated chattering among their housemates. James loved the feeling of home-coming that sat warm in his chest on his first night of term. The feast always felt different on the eve of the start of the year, tables alight with the cacophony of catch-up conversation and James was swept up in the feeling of it. It was such an easy routine to fall into, back on those wooden benches, spirits easily lifted after the bore of watching the wide-eyed first years take their new places among the house tables and back into the raucous laughter of his own rabble.

“Dendren looks like a right prick.” Sirius said glumly, swigging from his pumpkin juice and gesturing towards the teachers table at the front of the hall.

The Marauders all looked towards the new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher – a sour faced, portly wizard with thinning hair and frizzy beard. McGonagall looked like she was failing to keep him interested in her conversation and James couldn’t help but smirk at the tight lines of her pursed lips, Dendren simply shrugging with a harrumph.

Prick, indeed!

“Just my luck that we’d get another arsehole Professor during our NEWTS prep year!” Peter whined, pushing a roast potato around his plate miserably.

It was true, they did tend to have terrible luck with professors. James immediately thinking back to third year when their Astronomy professor at the time did nothing but shout in lesson and Sirius and James spent the majority of the year in detention from lack of self-control (a slight competition had been struck up between the pair to see who could piss him off the most and therefore find out how loud he could really go!)

“Quit whinging, you could always pull your finger out your arse and apply for the tutoring program that the seventh years have put together.” Remus offered helpfully and Peter did seem to relax slightly at that thought. “Just put on the notice board in the common room which lesson you need help in, and they assign you to an elder student.” Lupin shrugged, offhandedly. “Hinde, the new head boy asked me to be part of the tutoring side of things, but I don’t think I could fit it around my own schedule.”

“Oh Moony, our resident brainbox.” Sirius cooed, probably getting a kick to the shin from Remus but the taller boy had a light blush coating his cheeks at that, gaze breaking away from Sirius to round on a groaning Wormtail.

“Haven’t the seventh years got enough studying of their own to do? I imagine this is McGonagall’s grand idea?” Lily enquired with a huff. Remus shrugged.

“Extra credits are offered for helping. If students are hoping to get into Ministry work or Auror stuff once they leave, then they need all the help they can get! Not everyone is blessed enough to be prefects like us, Lily.” Remus winked and Lily grinned at that.

“I’m not sure Ruli would like me being tutored, what if it was a girl that I got assigned with?” Peter said simply and Remus, Sirius and James all exchanged looks at the exact same time.

“Oh fuck! She’s right! I’m surprised you can even sit down without a girl launching herself directly on your cock!” Sirius mocked, James nearly choking on his juice at the scowl on his mates rounded face.  Lily looked equal parts outraged and amused.

“Or face!” James piped up, high fiving an ecstatic Sirius, leaving Peter looking rather sullen and reddened.

“Least I’ve got a girlfriend, Black!” He retorted, with precisely no venom and enough misery to make James nudge his arm out of some kind of muted solidarity.

He often felt that Peter didn’t really help himself – he had always been slightly on the outskirts of the three of them no matter how hard James tried to keep him in the fold. But he would always try, he had a lot of love for the little git, even if he’d rather die than admit it out loud. He had known Peter longer than any of them, and perhaps that’s where his loyalty to Pettigrew lay.

“I could have one in a heartbeat, Petey.” Sirius said with a confidence that would have been arrogance if it hadn’t been annoyingly accurate. “But as a true Gryffindor, I’m not willing to abandon my mates at the first sign of tits. I’m just a decent bloke like that.” Sirius ended with a shrug towards Peter who kicked at his friend. Probably bruised by the insinuation of him not being a true Gryffindor.

The Marauders spent the rest of the feast bantering and talking about their upcoming year and the possibilities of their timetables. It was always such a contested point – figuring out which days were the ones to dread now up until when the summer would roll back around again. James prayed to all that was holy that Mondays would not be his dreaded day, they were already hard enough as it was! Not to mention, they all had the excited buzz about Apparation lessons that were to start later into the term. James and Sirius in particular liked the sound of it, and as usual Peter looked worried. Remus looked totally unbothered, and James supposed some things never did change.

He was lost in thought for a moment, eyes tracking around the hall and that’s when Regulus Black’s gaze found him from across the room. The older boy instantly looked away, trying to occupy himself with the conversation between Marlene and Lily to his left. Regulus’ gaze felt like a storm on the horizon. He could feel it in the air between them and there was nothing he could do to stop it he just had to silently hope it would cease. He swallowed, staring down at the way the juice sloshed around in his cup.

He didn’t know why he felt another prickle of discomfort similar to the one he’d felt on the platform– like his allegiance to Sirius was morphing into some tangible thing, so much so that even the idea of Regulus set him on edge.

Angry and uncomfortable.

He dared a defiant gaze back towards the younger Black at that thought, just to see him conversing now with the school’s resident psychos Severus Snape and Bartemius Crouch. Merlin, that told him everything he needed to know about the twat, really! The slimy git was nodding along with whatever they were saying, cutting his steak and kidney pie. Regulus was the perfect poster child for the pure blood socialite; his posture poker-straight, dark curls falling into his eyes from where they had been neatly gelled, robes fitting him without a single wrinkle, mouth pulled tight, and spidery fingers coiling serpentine around his cutlery.

James could already imagine him sat at parties in that horror show home of his, cackling along to Bellatrix’s horrible recounts of her time at Hogwarts, his insidious family raising a toast to her bullying sprees and the like.

And Regulus would most certainly partake. Regulus had a real nerve dissociating himself from Sirius to then be seen with the likes of that Slytherin lot! Unpleasant didn’t even cut it! Bartemous Crouch Jr was a serial killer in the making. Lupin often joked that he gave even him the creeps and he was an actual flesh-eating monster (his words!). Crouch was a wild one, James had heard rumours of his affinity for throwing hexes at unsuspecting students or having temper tantrums during class.

Merlin, how did Regulus put up with him?

When Regulus looked back up unexpectedly, James was surprised that he didn’t look away this time, the flare of anger anchored him, narrowing his gaze in a challenge. Regulus’ expression remained placid and vague for a beat. He was older than the last time James had paid him attention – his jaw sharper and more angular now, the ghosting of hair shadowing his top lip and chin like a small boy playing at being an adult.

Fitting.

But Regulus wasn’t looking away as James expected him to, instead his head canted to the side, brow furrowing slightly in the middle. Confusion etched across the face that was no doubt the feature of many oil paintings adorning Grimmauld’s darkened halls. James remembered when he had taken art in his first few years at Hogwarts (Sirius’ idea!) and they had studied muggle greats from the renaissance era. There was something statuesque about the face Regulus Black was growing into, all angular lines and porcelain skin like he was made from marble himself; sculpted with care but ultimately cold to touch.

There was an unspoken question between them as Regulus watched him still, the bustle of the hall falling away as James tried to work out what Regulus was asking of him with that unfocussed edge to his stare. He supposed it was something vile, and James felt his frown soften because Regulus didn’t look angry, merely inquisitive and it made him look his age in that moment.

“We gotta keep on top of it, or we will let the moment pass us by completely!” Sirius’ voice captured his attention then, accompanied by an arm falling easily around his shoulders and Regulus looked away at that, like sunburst into a freshly woken gaze. James adjusted his glasses, blinking at his best friend who was smiling at him to a chorus of giggles from Lily.

“What are we talking about?” He inquired and laughed at the look of pure disbelief on his best mate’s face.

“Bloody hell, Potter! I thought you’d hear the word party and would be on it like a dog with a bone!” He winked, most likely at his off-handed remark made as some kind of pun and James clapped his back. It was a pretty good pun, to be fair.

“You know me, Pads. Always down for a party!”

*

Monday crept up on James with a slow foreboding that seemed to swallow the excitement of returning to Hogwarts. There wasn’t a rhyme or reason to his nervousness that only intensified all the more as the years went on, long lazy days filled with pranks succumbing to copious hours spent hunched over books or writing revision scrolls for exam preparation.

He knew he wanted to start the term off right, to leave behind the idiocy of previous years and get the grades he knew he was capable of. Sure, he had done ok in his OWLS, but had he done his best? No! Because fifth year was the year the marauders had discovered weed and well that had taken up a fair amount of their time and brain cells. No, James needed to pay attention if he wanted to be an Auror, the voice of his father not too distant from his ears as he thought.

It was ok for Sirius; he was still able to pull success out the bag, but James had to work for it. He rose from his bed with a tired groan, the sheets still warm and inviting in all the ways they bloody would be on an early Monday morning. Sunlight broke over the mountains across the lake and cast the room in a dewy glow through the haphazardly drawn curtains. He made his way to the bathroom internally visiting his daily schedule in his head.

James didn’t envy Remus for his perfecting duties, or Evans. Both had to attend extra meetings throughout the year and do loads of other useless shit like patrolling the hallways all the while doing their own work! He was somewhat glad that McGonagall chastised him and Sirius on the closing day of term from fifth year, even if it felt slightly bruising at the time.

“And to think, I had put both your names forward for prefect duty.” She said, scowl in place and shrill voice reaching an octave higher as both boys tried and failed to look sorry that the Slytherin staircase was now charmed to be as soft as jelly.

No, as the years reached their grand finale, James was thankful for the lack of responsibility aimed his way. Quidditch Captain was work enough, but it was enjoyable work. Remus looked positively miserable the day he was told he was a prefect!

Monday’s schedule wasn’t too bad in honesty, Charms first with the lacklustre Professor Agrimony, then care of magical creatures. Followed by lunch! He supposed his morning could be much worse. The light chain for the bathroom swung as he tugged at it, it flickered to life as he scrubbed the slumber from his face. He pushed his glasses onto his face, taking in his reflection. His hair was haywire, thick, black, and messy and he sighed running a hand through it. He wondered if that pompous little prick, Regulus would dare to use the Sleekeasy hair invented by none other than Fleamont Potter. That was a humourous thought, Regulus piling on the potion by the pound whilst James opted himself for a more natural look.

Perhaps he wanted to distance himself from his own family’s legacy in some small and useless way.

He looked at himself thoughtfully, finger running along his jawline and over the prickle of shaved hair there. He blinked at himself, glasses askew on his nose and he didn’t quite understand the melancholy tug in his chest as he stood there. He saw his father looking back at him, a pillar of the wizarding world, beloved and talented.

James looked down at the sink as it filled with water and contemplated what would await him if he didn’t live up to all that Fleamont had achieved, if he was merely a Potter without any worth.

If he wound up with what Sirius was to his family.

It chilled him to the bone, to see someone so smart, funny, and generous cast aside regardless of all they were and continued to achieve. James did less every day than Sirius did and still it wasn’t enough for the Noble house of Black. Perhaps it was an unnecessary thought to have, but it lodged uncomfortably in his throat all the same as he continued to go about his routine focused in particular on his lessons for the day and what he would amount to at the end of it all.

Tuesday 14^th September 1976

“Double Defense should be classed as child abuse.” James whined some days later, throwing himself on the armchair in the common room and letting his eyes drift shut.

Dendren was as much of a prick as anticipated. Not only did he demand silence, but he had twice rearranged his seating plan specifically to keep James and Sirius apart. It didn’t help that he liked calling on people rather than waiting for hands to rise when asking questions; it settled an uneasy nervousness over the class as they anticipated his anger if they couldn’t answer.

Prick, indeed!

A few moments of silence passed as James allowed himself to relax into the cushy worn-out seat, the crackling of the fire and low mumbling of other conversations around alerting him to his unusually quiet surroundings and unusually silent response from his mates. When he looked towards his friends, he realized that Remus was lost in some muggle book, finger turning the page as eyes danced along the lines. Sirius’ soft breaths were steady as he lay with closed eyes against the arm of the couch, one leg pressed against Moony’s.

The rain was lightly hitting against the window stretching above them and James weighed up the pros and cons of going for a ride when the weather told everything within him to just leave it for the day… But his friends were being total bores so that was definitely a pro in flying’s favour!

“I’ll write to Dumbledore at once.” Moony responded eventually, voice flat, and James couldn’t repress his snort of laughter as he turned to his friend. Despite his attempt at stoicism, Lupin’s scarred face still bore a slight smirk.

“Anyone seen Petey?” He asked sensing that his conversation wasn’t really welcome but talking regardless.

“He left to meet Arulia an hour ago.” Lupin mused distantly.

“He’s probably balls deep by now.” Sirius’ input was ignored and rightfully so, the foul git!

“I might go down for a fly in a bit, if I can be arsed.” James voiced after a few moments of listening to the chorus of the common room. The crackle of the fire a soundtrack to distant voices and the groans and creaks of an aging building.

“Wrap up warm, tis gettin’ colder now.” Sirius mumbled smacking his lips together and burrowing deeper underneath his folded arms.

“You’re so cutesy when you’re all sleepy!” James mocked with a pout, reaching a foot out to tap against Sirius’ whose grin was stretching from where it was visible from the crook of his elbow. 

“I would come fly with you, but Moony is so comfortable.” Sirius said around a yawn, turning into the back of the sofa, leg lifting to drape across Lupin’s lap. James chuckled when Remus didn’t object. His eyes didn’t even stray from his page, he lifted his arm just enough to accommodate Sirius’ legs before letting his book rest back down where Sirius’ shin now was.

“Fine, stay here you big lump!” James said, rising to his feet and stretching out the fatigue that threatened to overwhelm him. He snorted to himself as Remus simply turned a page, far too engrossed in his make-believe world. Sirius threw a lazy wave in his direction.

“Fly a lap for me!” He mumbled, and James thought he would do just that.

*

The breeze was brisk, chilling his bones as he turned his body to shield the cigarette between his fingers. The rain had stopped and the threat seemed to be easing off, once thick and dark clouds dissipating overhead and James huffed into the smoke emitting from his fag, wishing that the warmth from the cherry was enough to sink into his bones.

He looked down at his broom, propped up on the bench beside him and his body seemed to thrum in anticipation of a ride. It always felt the same whenever he was to fly, like it was some natural instinct that drew him in. He heard someone clear their throat beside him and he turned his attention to see a boy staring down at him from the slant of a perfectly straight nose.

“I wasn’t aware Gryffindor were practicing today.” Regulus said sternly. Instantly the older boy felt himself bristle, chest puffing and a barrage of insults blooming on his tongue. “I will just come back another time, then.” Regulus added, turning on the spot and killing the slew of retorts in James’ mouth until they materialized into a bitter taste.

James didn’t know why it was so surprising to hear the younger boy back down – to retreat without a fight. It was very un-Slytherin and instantly James wondered if there was some kind of ulterior motive behind his easy dismissal. The slimy git!

“Regulus.” He called and watched as Regulus stiffened at being addressed, stopping on the spot and turning back to James.

The autumnal sun was breaking through the heavy clouds as it set, casting the usual sickly pallor of his face in a golden glow, orange rays alighting a forest fire in the depths of a usually cold gaze.

“You stay,” James rose to his feet, exhaling the remains of the smoke that set deep in his chest.

Regulus eyed him wearily, as though anticipating something that never came. James threw his cigarette on the floor, crushing it underfoot into the soft grass beneath and reaching for his broom.

 “You need all the help you can get this year, you and your lot” James said with a smirk, flourishing a free hand around, gesturing to the Quidditch pitch.

Regulus’ expression faltered for a moment, eyes narrowing and a smirk tugging his lips so quickly that James would have perhaps missed it had he blinked. But he hadn’t and he felt oddly unsettled at capturing that honest response.

“I wouldn’t be so confident, Potter.” Regulus’ tone didn’t change, but something in his demeanor shifted. He switched his broom easily from hand to hand, James watching those spindling fingers coiling around the dark wood, such a stark contrast of colour.

“And what makes you so confident then?” James asked, brow cocked, clutching at his own broom. Regulus was wearing his robes – perhaps coming straight from the library to practice. He looked anything but casual and it made James’ skin itch, wishing he was wearing his own house colours instead of his own clothes that Regulus was eyeing indifferently.

“I know my capabilities.” Regulus responded and James’ laughter was dry.

“And I don’t know mine?”

“Your problem, James, is that you care too much about all of it.”

James. Of course Regulus knew his name, but he thought it may have been the first time he’d heard him say it.

Not Potter, not you said with a belligerent sneer.

Simply, James.

“Perhaps we both need to find the middle ground then.” James said, unable to stop how easy his smile came.

Regulus seemed to notice, his own face shifting now into an unreadable expression, and he simply nodded – inclining his head like James was one of the toffs that would be sat around his family’s large oak table in Grimmauld Place. 

Regulus turned on the spot, not really giving much in terms of a response and James watched him go.

Wednesday 29^th September 1976

The first month back at Hogwarts was nearly over, the leaves falling from the trees and painting the grounds in orange and yellow tones. James enjoyed the fall; the autumnal shift of the seasons as it turned and he skipped the steps two at a time, tie loose around his neck as he made his way up the astronomy tower stairs.

School hadn’t eased him in at all, which he had expected. Each of his professors going full speed through the curriculum content and James’ head was spinning with the amount of parchment inches he had to write for all his cores and electives. He could picture them in his mind, scrolls all awaiting him on his bed back in the dorm room. He figured the best way to tackle it would be through some sort of priority list. Firstly, he needed to work through his star-chart, hoping he could get the completed piece to Cornus first thing the following day rather than leaving it. He’d asked Sirius if he wanted to join him that morning, but his mate simply charmed a pillow to fly at James’ face from his sprawled position on his messy bed.

Lupin was busy with his own things too; he had meticulously crafted a timetable of his own that he followed like it was law. James had laughed when it was hung up on the wall beside Moony’s bed – Sirius immediately defacing it with a little stick figure drawing of the four of them as their Animagi form. Remus chastised him, but a month later it was still there. Plus, the timetable was working in his favour! He had yet to hand in an essay late, was punctual and seemed to be for the most part relaxed. Not a bad idea, really!

“Oh.”

A voice interrupted James’s thoughts and he halted, looking up to find Regulus Black stood on the Astronomy tower step above him. He was looking down at James and he realized that the git looking down his nose at him seemed to be commonplace during their run-ins.

It was problematic indeed how often he was happening across Sirius’ brother since he returned for the new term. Perhaps even more so that he never seemed to recall the random meetings to his dear friend Sirius, instead choosing them to remain secret little encounters of some kind.

He had thought about telling Sirius of course, lying on his bed in the evenings staring up at the canopy, throwing a retired snitch into the air and catching it with ease. He’d bite his lip and wonder how to even phrase it – I saw your brother again on the Quidditch pitch. He wasn’t doing anything; he was just practicing. As I was walking up to the castle I turned to see if he was doing something he shouldn’t have been. But he was just flying, anchoring as he swooped. Graceful and every bit the Slytherin he really is.

So? He imagined Sirius would say, lying on his front and flicking through his muggle music magazine, foot bobbing to the sound of his new Vinyl track and completely and totally unbothered by it all.

So, James said nothing, just kept his wits about him in the hallways between class, just in case he would see the fifth-year boy as he walked through the throng of students, engrossed in a conversation with Carnelian Fawley a fellow Slytherin in his year. James hadn’t seen him for days though and perhaps that’s why he was surprised to see him leaving the astronomy tower that drizzly autumn afternoon.

Regulus looked rather casual, he wasn’t wearing his robes, his shirt was untucked at his side and his green tie was loose around his neck. It was odd – humanizing almost- to see him looking so imperfect as he held tighter at his book bag strap, staring at James with growing impatience.

“Leaving class rather late, aren’t we?” James mocked, looking up into a cold gaze and Regulus huffed a laugh, shaking a rogue dark curl from his eyes.

“My brother sent you to spy on me, has he?” With his jaw set, he looked older, perhaps James’ age but there was immaturity behind the impatience of his stance, itching to leave but staying out of utter insolence. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed your pathetic little man hunt.”

“And what makes you think you’re that important, hmm?” James enquired, digging in his pocket, and pulling out an apple, he made a show of rubbing it against his jacket collar. Regulus’ dark gaze followed the movement, and he finally appraised the older boy with a bored gaze.

“So, you just so happen to wind up wherever I am these days?”

“We do attend the same school, Black. I wouldn’t alert the Ministry just yet.” James laughed, adopting the same cocky smirk he usually did when he was trying to get a rise out of someone.

It was most definitely working; Regulus’ eyes were following him as he passed him on the stairs, coming to a halt on the step above him. Regulus didn’t miss his choice of step; the height advantage it gave him

James hated how it felt like a victory of some kind.

There was a silence -not completely- nothing was ever silent at Hogwarts. The hallways below the tower were occupied with voices and footfall. The windowpanes were pelted with intermittent droplets and the wind buzzed against the single frames in lieu of their conversation. Regulus regarded him, a swooping glance from foot to face and James let him, wondered what assessment was playing out behind that icy gaze.

The boy swallowed and canted his head.

“Just stay out of my way – Potter. That way neither of us will do something we may regret.”

“Is that a threat Reggie?” He said it quietly hoping it would cut at least a little deep.

He remembered how Sirius used that name to greet the boy when he was a first year, when Sirius still held out hope for his little brother. James recalled their first meeting clearly; Regulus had been a small timid boy sat in their carriage and twirling his fingers together uncomfortably. ‘Mother will be mad if she knows I’m sat with you.’ He said under his breath, Sirius had just laughed, a twelve-year-old boy trying desperately to mask the years of pain as he draped an arm over little shoulders. A protector before all else. A Gryffindor through and through. ‘Mother will always be mad, Reggie. Doesn’t mean we have to be.’ James could still see how Regulus relaxed into his brother’s side, familial and natural such a far cry from where they would end up.

James remembered it had felt profound, to hear his friend speak like that about his own family. James didn’t understand an emotion like that, how could he? He was unconditionally loved and had been his entire life. But Sirius and Regulus did not have love so readily available to them. Yet Regulus had smiled just like his brother at that, wiping the back of his nose on his hand, and looking across the carriage at James who nodded in encouragement.

‘You could be a Marauder too one day, Reggie!’ He had said and the little boy’s face scrunched up in confusion at the laughter of Remus, Peter, and his brother. And for the rest of that journey, they had planned out a year of pranks and James had honestly thought that for a fleeting moment in time, Regulus was one of them.

Over the last few weeks, he gave that thought an ugly amount of attention.

“Don’t call me that.” Regulus said now, voice cold and low like he had too relived James’ memory like a Pensieve.

“Why, Reggie?” James repeated just to be a dick, throwing his apple in the air, and catching it with ease, smirking down at Regulus and enjoying the way his jaw locked as he grit his teeth. And yet if James looked hard enough, he could still see the eleven-year-old he once was.

“I don’t have time for your foolish games, Potter. Don’t forget, it’s dinner soon and you wouldn’t want to miss an opportunity to hold court now, would you?” James walked up the stairway, stopping at the door of the classroom and looking back to see the unmoving form of the Slytherin below.

Regulus must have hated him. The scorn in his expression equal parts motivated and wounded but he was stubborn even though he was getting wound up, an echo of James’s mentality.

“So nice of you to notice.” James said, lounging against the railing as he watched Regulus descend one step, the drop between them feeling nonexistent as he watched the flare of annoyance glitter in an icy gaze.

“Don’t flatter yourself, Potter.” He spat, adjusting his bag on his shoulder as he continued his way down, James’ gaze following him unerringly.

“Thanks for the catch up, Reggie but gotta go.  I can’t miss the comet this evening, especially for the likes of you.” He called out.

“You’re too early.” Regulus said quickly, a curt shake of his head accompanying his words.

“Oh, am I? According to my star chart – it should be visible overhead by 6.30pm, so-” James said, mentally scanning through the chart he had been pondering since the beginning of term. A haughty snort caught his attention and he felt himself bristle with embarrassment.

“Your star chart is wrong.” He clearly took great pride in saying, arms hugging his books to his chest and James’ eyes flit down to the snaking veins visible beneath light skin.

He thought of Bernini and his sculpted pieces, gentle and soft mannerisms captured in hard stone.

“Right, and I should trust a fifth year, should I?”

“If you wanted to pass your assignment, I would probably think about doing just that, yes.” He said with sincerity.

“And what? You want me to pass my assignment, do you Reggie?” James mocked, hand on his heart and feeling a slight thrill at the way the Slytherin huffed in annoyance. “I’m touched.”

“Fine.” He barked, throwing his hands up, finally letting his mask of coolness slip and storming further down the stairs.

James smirked, watching him go, dark hair falling into his eyes as he walked the track of the spiraling steps. Regulus didn’t look like Sirius when he was angry, he had the same pouting resigned attitude yes, but what else could be expected with such an obnoxiously spoiled upbringing. But no, the way Regulus grit his teeth, nose scrunched, and eyes narrowed was distinctly Regulus. James moved back when he saw the younger boy pause on the staircase, staring blankly ahead, and clearing his throat. A few moments passed and James held his breath.

“9.30.” He simply called out, voice echoing off the stone walls and then he was gone.

Wednesday 6^th October 1976

He wasn’t thinking clearly, and that’s probably why he would be forgiven for making his way through the library. It wasn’t usually all that busy early into the school term, students still under the impression they only needed to attend during their study periods, so he was able to locate Regulus with ease. He’d consulted the Marauder’s map to find him.

The map was Remus’ idea back in third year, the idea being that if they wanted to play pranks and go unnoticed than they needed to know which professors were where and when! By that point in his Hogwarts career James had already had several letters sent home by McGonagall announcing her disappointment for his lack of care for his so called potential.! So he was on thin ice!

The four had put their knowledge together and came up with a map that was able to track not just teachers but students within the school. They plotted out each classroom, each hallway and each secret area whenever they so happened to stumble across one.

It made his tracking of Regulus Black all the easier! He found him sat surrounded by stacked books and rune stones, clearly knee deep in a 10-inch essay. The candles were floating low beside him, and James stormed over, dropping what was in his hands in front of the unsuspecting fifth year.

“What’s this?” Regulus asked coldly, covering his evident surprise with a sneer.

He looked down at the curling parchment planted on top of his own. Despite the scorn on his face, his slim fingers unfurled the star-chart and James stood over him, watching the features on his face shift.

It was a carousel of expressions, up went a brief flash of surprise, down came curiosity, before it halted on a mask of his usual pious superiority; lips pursed and hands threading together over James’ map.

“I see you made the necessary timing adaptions.” Regulus said, voice steady.

James nodded, perching himself uninvited on the corner of the desk Regulus had his studies sprawled out on. “Bravo on adding the extra information about the potential flight path. I can imagine Professor Cornus was particularly impressed by that.”

“He was. More impressed that I was able to ‘with pin-point accuracy’, detail when the star crossed over the constellation we have been studying.” James said, kicking his leg out in front of him, the epitome of casual.

Regulus nodded, looking over the star chart once more as though in assessing. James wondered briefly why it mattered to him what Regulus was to say next.

“Well-“ Regulus began, rolling up the parchment and holding it towards James with a dismissive hand.  “Miracles happen more frequently than we give them credit for, so it would seem.”

“I’m not above thanking those who offer me help, Regulus. Even if they are insufferable little wankers with a superiority complex.” James said, leaning closer to Regulus.

If they had ever been this close before James was struggling to recall it. And surely he would be able to. He captured the scent of fresh inked parchment in front of them and soft spiced elderflower on the younger boy’s breath as Regulus looked up at him.

It was jarring, to see himself reflected in the flickering amber candlelight of that stare he was growing more accustomed to.

“And I’m not above helping the less fortunate. Even if they are arrogant know-it -all’s with no consideration for anyone but themselves.”

It felt like a surrender, like the kick of the football in no-man’s land on Christmas day. It was neutral territory and James could have been forgiven for smiling. He didn’t though, he swallowed and sat back, registering the space between them as safe.

“Thank you.” James said, voice soft as he inclined his head.

He watched closely; like he was mapping out a constellation of his own on Regulus’ face in non-existent freckles. There and gone again, like a star blinking, there was a glimmer of a smile tugging up one side of his lips. Just for a moment. But it had been there all the same, and it lit a warmth in James’ chest much the same as when Mary or Lily smiled at him from across a classroom. It felt familiar, in all the ways it perhaps shouldn’t have. And then Regulus was nodding, shuffling some of his parchments before casting a weary look upward at the boy still sat on his desk.

“Just pay more attention in lesson and you wouldn’t need my advice now, would you?”

“And he’s back.” James joked as the moment between them snapped back like elastic. He rose from his seat, patting Regulus’ shoulder lightly. It was a familiar gesture – one James often gave to his Quidditch teammates after a good game. Regulus stiffened under the contact but did not shy away and as James left, he felt a gaze following him until he turned down one of the many aisles.

He probably should have questioned why he purposefully chose to leave his constellation map with the younger Black brother but really, sixth year was much busier than he thought it would be, and he really wasn’t thinking straight. He was already knee deep in coursework less than two months into the school year. So maybe the hope flickering in his chest could easily be dismissed and needn’t be registered as a warning sign. James made his way to dinner and all he could really think about was how softly the usually stoic Regulus had smiled at him, no matter how fleeting it had been.

It was rather strange how it felt like another one of those pointless victories against the Slytherin, reminiscent of the thrum of excitement that rattled through him as he swooped through the air on a broom – the cheers of Gryffindor house carrying him on the breeze.

Except this time, the crowd wasn’t there, just Regulus and the groaning and creaking of an old, darkened library corner and something dangerous unfurling in his chest with all the tenacity of spring through frost.

Friday 8^th October 1976

“Study hall before dinner is a truly horrible combination.” Sirius declared.

He was hunched over a plate of lamb shank and rosemary infused vegetables, his eyes dropping, and hair mussed from yet another afternoon nap in lieu of studying. The Great Hall really did smell delectable on Fridays, the house elves menu richer and more homely as the autumn months made way for winter.

“It just makes me so lazy!” He complained, shoveling a potato into his mouth as James hummed in agreement.

James had actually managed to be quite pro-active in his study time thus far! He usually managed to read through his History of Magic extracts ready for his Monday lessons during his assigned study period. That afternoon he had poured over some of the texts that needed translating with Lily and Peter, the three hunched over a table in the library which had been just four rows away from where he had left Regulus the day before. Lily had frowned down at an extract about the Goblin revolts of 1462 whilst James had let his eyes flit every now and then to the forlorn chair where Regulus had sat. He’d been seated with one leg crossed casually over the other with a slender hand running through his loose curls. James wondered why he hadn’t gelled his hair that day, it wasn’t very noble of a pure-blood boy to look so unkempt and yet it made him look more approachable.

Normal almost.

Merlin, he had to stop thinking of Regulus as anything near normal.

“Well maybe if you used your study period correctly, it wouldn’t be such a hard-ship!” Lily voiced, pouring herself some water as James smirked at that. Sirius flipped her a half-hearted middle finger that she returned with a theatrical air kiss.

“Sirius, you’d be lazy no matter what time of day, let’s be honest.” Moony remarked and mock outrage overtook Sirius’ face.

Mary blushed at the sight of Sirius’ wide grin, and although his joy was directed at Remus it clearly caused a fond appreciation to capture her attention. Mary had had it bad for Sirius for some years now. Probably didn’t help that she lost her virginity to the boy back in fourth year. James still remembered the drama that ensued when Sirius acted like it was no big deal. Lily, Marlene, and even Remus didn’t speak to him for a good few weeks after that ordeal! But even so, Mary still held a torch for the boy and James wondered if she was aware of how obvious she made her affection for him.

Perhaps that was the point.

“Moony! Why is it your life mission to dull my shine?” Sirius remarked.

“Never.” Remus winked and Sirius returned his attention back to his dinner.

James picked at his remaining carrots, watching as Sirius deposited his left-over potatoes across the table onto Remus’ clear plate. The full moon wasn’t for another few weeks, but the older Remus got the more his strength and appetite grew. James recognized it most during those transformation nights when he ran through the forest as Prongs. He’d feel the earth kick up beneath his feet, listening as Padfoot and Moony howled in tandem. It was the closest thing to true freedom he’d ever felt, and he wondered if even Remus grew to appreciate those moments despite the horror he went through to get there.

The first full moon of sixth year had gone easily enough, Remus didn’t even have particularly nasty injuries from it at least. When he returned to their dorm the following afternoon, he’d had bandages on his forearm, crimson staining the material and James had greeted him with a casual wave, Peter diving into a conversation about the night before and how brilliant Remus had been as they ran through the forest.

Lupin smiled weakly, perching himself on his trunk as he listened with as much attentiveness as his tired gaze could muster. James looked toward Sirius. He was sat in the perch of the window, feet up and a blanket draped over him. He was looking out at the castle grounds below, forehead resting on the cool glass and not yet meeting the gaze of their returned friend. The full moon always affected Sirius too, like he was still that boy in second year, desperate to help a friend in need and feeling powerless despite throwing everything at it that he could.

Padfoot was the same, staying by Remus’ side even on the nights where the werewolf wanted to spar or worse: was baying for blood. Lupin wasn’t the only one in need of the hospital wing some days after a full moon, sometimes it was Sirius too who got too close too often as though trying to get the werewolf to remember him.

To sense him.

Foolish really; James would go blue in the face trying to convince Sirius that it was impossible when Remus turned.

That it wasn’t their Remus anymore.

Those following days were always the worst. James still remembered the first time it had happened in fourth year as he sat at the foot of Remus’ bed, chewing on his thumbnail anxiously as the taller boy’s eyes blinked open slowly. Back to their usual hazel and not luminous yellow.

“Prongs.” He had murmured in greeting, casting his gaze between Petey and James and immediately registering the worry on their faces as he made to sit up in bed. James had held his hands up, in hopes of instilling calm in the concerned expression on Remus’ scarred face. “Where is he?” He’d whispered, like he knew.

He had paled and James had wondered if he remembered it at all.

“It’s not your fault, Remus.” He had said quietly, casting a forlorn expression towards the end of the hospital wing where a solitary bed sat with its curtains still drawn. Remus had risen slowly from his bed, James grabbing Peter’s sleeve when he made to follow him; letting Remus go to him alone.

James still felt haunted by the noise that escaped Remus’ throat when he pulled back the curtain that day. His legs had given way almost immediately, Lupin falling to the floor and pained sobs wracking through his body. Peter had run, calling out for Pomfrey, and James had just sat there frozen. 

His vision had blurred, chest heaving like he’d flown a mile in a body that felt far too hot. He’d gripped the thin hospital sheets and watched helplessly as Remus’ hands hovered over the red marks staining the bandages on Sirius’ side from where he’d fallen during the werewolf’s outburst.

James remembered it as the day that had truly humbled him as a marauder, where his wise cracking and quick thinking wasn’t enough. Where the lads couldn’t turn to him and have everything be made ok, because what could he do? Padfoot had been picked up around the middle by the shadowed figure and hurled against the closest tree and even Prongs had been paralyzed by the fear of it.

Lupin hadn’t left his bed for days after that, even when Sirius was back and fighting fit. Sirius was determined that it wasn’t Remus’ fault, that he would do it time and time again if he felt Lupin needed it and James felt his heart was full with love for his best friend.

His bravery and devotion the perfect example of a true Gryffindor.

James looked up, blinking back the memory, and watching as his friends chattered around him. Remus was leaning over to grab some Swiss roll, placing a neat slice on Sirius’ plate before his own. Sirius was lost in conversation with Peter but threw a sparkling look of gratitude at the taller boy anyway and James swallowed. He couldn’t help but feel slightly put out at times, like Sirius favoured the company of Remus over him. Utterly ridiculous, of course. They were all friends; it didn’t need to be a competition!

But that fact didn’t stop the ugly twist of jealousy laying heavy in his chest as Sirius cackled, ruffiling Peter’s golden hair as their conversation grew more animated. Because that was typical of them all. But Remus and Sirius had a secret language, spoken in glances and exchanged in beats that James couldn’t decipher. He felt like a kicked puppy, snout forced out of something that didn’t concern him and maybe maturity was realizing that Sirius wasn’t wholly his.

He wondered if Regulus ever felt pushed out by James’ presence in Sirius’ life? If he resented James? Or Sirius? But then how could he not? Sirius was the sun and anyone who got close inevitably fell into his orbit.

It must be difficult, being the shadow to Sirius’ golden light. Perhaps that was why Regulus was so sullen, why his eyes narrowed whenever he found Sirius in a crowd.

He considered Regulus again, wondering if his shine was even duller than Sirius’ at all or if he just shone in a different way. Similar to how the moon lit a world of darkness with ethereal blue light. An echo of the sun that came before it. The two different in all but the sky they shared.

James thought it made sense why the boys were ultimately named after the stars.

*

The group made their way back to the common room, enjoying the atmosphere of another mild evening. The hallways always felt empty as they meandered back in time for curfew, waiting for the stairs to change, and getting caught up in conversations that all seemed to lead to the upcoming first Quidditch match of the year.

There was nervous anticipation of it being Gryffindor vs Slytherin. Lupin often called it the Liverpool vs Manchester United of the wizarding world and James didn’t quite know what that meant. Lily did though and she laughed, declaring James was Emlyn Hughes. She promised it was a good thing and he wouldn’t expect anything less of his friend.

They entered the common room, immediately fragmenting into corners of the living space and James was following Sirius towards the vinyl player when long red hair caught his attention first.

“Oh Potter, forgot to mention! This morning, there were some letters shoved under the portrait for you! I left them on the table.” Lily pointed with a polite smile.

“Thanks, Lil.” He smiled, despite his confusion as he moved to collect the letter.

A small envelope and rolled up parchment laid on the table beside the Quidditch magazines and empty chocolate frog boxes from the day. He threw himself down on the beaten armchair by the fire, the embers crackling into the air as he crossed his legs under himself, frowning at the crisp lines of ink that made up his name.

His friends occupied the background of his attention, Sirius and Marlene arguing over which vinyl to play as Lily began setting up a wizard’s chess board with Peter and Remus by the window. James turned to the parchment and noticed with familiarity that it was his own star chart. He smirked at that, ripping open the letter, surprised that the little git had even bothered writing anything back to him at all.

Perhaps he was truly getting to the bugger!

“If I were you, I wouldn’t be so careless as to leave my coursework lying about!
          Think Potter! Just for once in your miserable life! Even an oaf like you can manage that much, I’m sure!
                   Regrettably, RAB.”

Two notable things struck him at the exact same moment as he read through the note for a third time. 1) Regulus had a point regarding his recklessness, the Slytherin Seeker could have easily left the map abandoned on the library desk ready for anyone to take or one of the House-elves to throw away. Or worse still, the little prat himself could have hexed it out of malicious spite so all the chart was all wrong!

And 2) He was somehow smiling like an idiot at the neat scrawling handwriting because he could practically hear the exasperation in Regulus’ words and that was a problem that he didn’t have the time or energy to investigate further.

He turned the parchment over in his hand, once and then twice. The music from the vinyl player swelled in the space around him as his fingers folded the page. There was still an ember of annoyance burning in his chest at the thought of that pompous prick, but there was something more prickling when he thought of him. Something niggling underneath his skin like a fresh splinter. He looked over at Sirius who was stood at the player, teeth nibbling at his full bottom lip as he adjusted the controls.

James tried to ignore the alarm bells of warning in his mind as he found himself reaching for a spare page of parchment on the side table adorned with clutter from his fellow Gryffindors, dipping his quill in the inkpot left there.

He allowed himself to write.

“Many thanks, Reggie for not totally sabotaging me! I must admit, I am still weary of your intentions – expecting some advanced kind of dark hex to be attached to this coursework now! Let’s just hope it activates just as Cornus is reading through it! How brilliant would that be! Just imagining the little fella, covered in pink glitter, or being chased around the room by little paper mosquitos!

Dare to dream, aye!
          We will make a marauder of you yet!
                                      Hilariously, James.”

He didn’t think much of it, as he rose to his feet, pulling on his stonewash denim jacket from where it was draped across the back of the armchair.

“Where are you going?” Sirius eyed him curiously, holding an LP of some muggle band he was enjoying these days, seemingly winning the debate as Marlene was now sat by the fire with an opened book.

James couldn’t recall the name of the band, but he eyed his friend for a moment. He opened his mouth, hand itching to rise with the letter still clutched in his fist. Sirius canted his head, tipping his chin up, one eyebrow raised, such a noble gesture; heredity, speaking of authority, and purity, and he could see his brother in the gesture. Even if Sirius’ eyes weren’t the same dark gleam, just familiarly shining, the perpetual light.

Why are you being weird? The look said. Tell me, it said. The grin on his face softened the black family stare gleaming in Sirius’ eyes; the light to his family’s darkness.

And in James fist; the shadow he pulled behind himself, shielding it from Sirius’ curious gaze.

If James had any sense, he would recognise the way alarm bells were suddenly ringing in his head. He’d say something. Instead, he shrugged.

And lied. Letting the shadow linger.

“Gonna send my Mum a letter.” He said instead, gesturing to the parchment in his hand. It was weird that the lie came so easily to him, and even Sirius didn’t look convinced even as he nodded, smile in a tight line.

“Don’t be too long, we are planning on going to the herbology sheds later to... you know, extracurricular.” Sirius made a toke gesture and James rolled his eyes.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world, Pads!” He said with a waving flourish and then he was gone, making his way out of the portrait and down the staircase to the right.

He pondered for a moment how Sirius would have reacted at that point if he had said the truth. “Oh, I’m just going to shove this letter under the Slytherin portrait for your brother. He’s brilliant to wind up, by the way!” Sirius would either find it super weird (as he most probably should!) or would immediately see it as a mission, eyes alight with mischief and hand already reaching for the invisibility cloak and his wand.

James paused for a moment on the bottom step near the great hall entrance. It was empty of students now, just house elves charming the tables clean and the odd pupil milling about before curfew. He turned the letter in his grasp once and then twice, before making his way out of the main doors. The cold hit him like a slap as he made his way to the owlery deciding that doing what Regulus didn’t expect would be much more entertaining than being predictable! It made more sense, this way it wouldn’t rouse any unwanted questions from Slytherin’s if they saw him in the dungeons – questions that could find Sirius before James’ own words could.

With that in mind, the next morning, he found himself weirdly excited by the prospect of Regulus discovering he had an owl from him. It was stupid, utterly ridiculous and a completely pointless exercise and that’s exactly why Regulus would fucking loathe it!

Amazing!

The next morning the Great Hall ceiling was charmed to show a light drizzle which was very much familiar in the late days of October, low hanging soft clouds reflecting the weather that had the windows spotting. James sipped patiently at his orange juice, Marlene, and Remus’ discussion of the upcoming Artihmancy quiz dominating the breakfast conversation, but James kept his eyes trained on the Slytherin table. Regulus was sat between that insufferable little git Barty Crouch (Merlin, did he insist on being glued to the prick’s side?) and some slender brunette girl with wild green eyes – he was sure her name was Bertha Goldhorn, an exceptional talent in Transfiguration – so McGonagall often praised.

“If only she knew.” Sirius had once whispered, nudging James with a wink who had smirked conspiratorially, the energy of Prongs thrumming deep in his bones – as though itching for the change.

Bertha was quite pretty, in the average sense of the word. Her nose smattered with freckles that made her look rather charming despite her being clad in silver and green.

Regulus hadn’t looked at him yet. There was a peace to his breakfast routine, a glass of something, a mug of something steaming and a slice of brown toast with a generous helping of marmalade smeared atop the crusty bread. He would pass between all three things, every now and then engaging in conversation with his friends. It felt planned, like a well-rehearsed dance, and the flick of his wrists and the deft touch of his spidery fingers encompassed the elegance that James had grown to expect from the fifth year.

He didn’t seem to laugh with his friends as much as James did with his and he felt a hollow sadness pang inside him at that. It wasn’t Reg’s fault he was mates with utter bores! But then again, maybe he was a bore himself.

James didn’t know him, after all! Aside from random run-ins on the quidditch pitch or the castle’s halls.

He was alerted then to the owls swooping in, dropping post intermittently around the hall and James watched as a familiar letter fell into Regulus’ lap. The Slytherin frowned at it, turning it over in his hands before opening it cautiously with an unused knife. James was smirking, Barty distracted by unwrapping a small brown parcel that fell beside his cereal, Bertha had already begun thumbing through a copy of The Daily Prophet with another fear-mongering headline emblazed on the front cover. Regulus sat with his ice eyes drifting along the small piece of parchment that he had unveiled, holding it gently within that spindly grasp.

A thrill of something shot down James’ spine and he nearly choked on the juice he swallowed.

Regulus’ cheeks seemed to flush, his eyes rolling almost fondly as he looked up– wide-eyed gaze immediately finding James’.

James said nothing, simply smirked as their stare lingered. There was something unreadable again on Regulus’ face that soon melted into that usual brew of confusion and exasperation – an expression that James was near enough fluent in now when it came to the Slytherin. Regulus, shook his head, breaking their gaze and folding the note into his back pocket. He returned to his usual routine, except this time he appeared slightly distracted. His routine disorientated.

Satisfied with being a prick, James reverted back to his friends, where Sirius and Lily were now mediating a mini debate between Marlene and Remus and James felt lighter somehow.

Sunday 10^th October 1976

When Myra swooped down to deliver a letter to James, he already knew what is was, his stomach tightening knowingly. She perched beside him, silently requesting a neck scratch that he happily indulged in until she flew off contented. She deposited, a morning paper, a letter from his mother, and another envelope free of a return address.

Sirius immediately reached over to grab at the paper and James let him. He pried the letter from his mother open, reading over her words as she told him of his father’s work, how people in their town were being told to be vigilant but he wasn’t absorbing the words. He turned his attention to the second letter. Opening it up, he chewed on some toast, eyes tracing over the now overly familiar scrawl. There was something rather innocuous about Regulus using the owl system too and he tried not to imagine the Slytherin bundled in his winter clothes as he made the trek up to the owlery. But Regulus had changed his day’s regular routine, just to serve James a taste of his own pettiness. Perhaps he had other correspondence to see to, his loathsome cousin Bella maybe or most likely Cissy, to thank her for a parcel she may have sent on his mother’s behalf. But what if it had just been James’ letter?

An oddly delightful prospect, so it would seem!

He could envision him trekking passed the keykeeper’s hut and up the grassy dunes to the isolated Owl tower. He would look as he had when James had seen Regulus during one of the weekend trips to Hogsmeade. He would wear that out of place dark denim jacket of his, that differed so greatly from what other pure blood wizards in his house wore. James remembered his initial surprise as he watched Regulus shiver from an onslaught of quick wind whilst exiting Honeyduke’s on the high street. He’d been mid-conversation with Barty, with that jacket making him look like one of the rockstars on Sirius’ vinyl player. It wasn’t like James’ coat. James’ jacket was light and blue whereas Regulus’ was dark and black.

Remus had asked Sirius about the younger Black’s jacket and the older brother had instantly prickled.

“Do I look like I keep bloody tabs on what that snivelly little princess wears?” He had snapped and none of them had said anything else about it, knowing when it was best not to push Sirius and one of his moods. But James thought that the coat looked familiar, and Regulus fit it well, an ugly green scarf hanging loosely between the jacket’s opening.

                “The day I want to be part of yours and my brothers crew of total misfits will truly be the day I wind up in St Mungo’s! And really, an owl? It appears you are a bigger timewaster than I initially gave you credit for. Are you sure you even passed your OWLS? Generally enquiring at this point!
                   Exasperatedly, RAB.”

James laughed at that! Bloody, exasperatingly! The cheek of him! He folded up the letter, putting it in his back pocket.

“Who was that from?” Sirius enquired casually, from behind the newspaper he was pretending to read. James looked up; his friend’s bright eyes narrowed at him over the top of the sepia toned page.

“Nunya.” James responded easily, earning a snort from Remus who was flicking through a copy of Spellbound for some reason! James shot a smug smile at Sirius who blinked curiously at him. “Nunya Business meaning ‘none of your buisness’. The joke was-.” James explained flatly, adjusting his glasses whilst Sirius folded the paper along with his arms.

“Yeah I got that, but-“

“Sirius, maybe he doesn’t want to tell you, you ever thought about that?” Lupin declared and Sirius’ look was nothing short of seething and James was somehow more surprised at that than Moony getting his fix of celebrity gossip. Come to think of it, Pads was sat three seats away from Remus… and-

Oh god.

James rolled his eyes, taking a long and loud sip from his mug of tea and preparing for fireworks. It made sense now why Peter wasn’t anywhere in sight. Remus and Sirius’ arguments were never a nice place to be caught in the middle of. There had been countless times in their dorms when annoyance would burrow beneath Sirius’ skin, bubbling until it reached its’ boiling point and resulted in the wizard throwing various trinkets towards Remus who would deflect them with an easy flick of his wand, eyes blazing with his own silent anger.

Moony wore his anger differently to the others. Peter would get redder and redder before he’d snap, immediately fleeing the scene and often needing one of the lads to go and find him to apologize. Sirius was a tempest; a hurricane of fury dressed as a soft cloud. James let his anger melt him from the inside, choosing to sit and stew and to let it flood him until it touched every corner of his being.

Remus often acted like anger was the only emotion he was unable to feel. In his arguments with Sirius he would stand there, the epitome of cool and calm with nothing but a glossy gaze to act as a gateway to his true feeling.

“Last thing time I checked this was a conversation between me and James.”

“Real mature.” Lupin huffed, flicking through a section about muggle movies and acting like it was somehow engrossing.

“What’s this about then?” James gestured between his two friends and Sirius’ eyes squinted impossibly smaller.

“What’s your letter about?”

“It’s from my Mum if you must know.” James declared, holding the letter up from his mother and watching as Sirius looked at it and then down at the newspaper with a hint of something akin to shame clawing at his cheeks.

James hated how he was making Sirius feel guilty for his prying, when the letter from Regulus was burning a hole in his jeans pocket. Like a secret too long gone to be unearthed.

“And I don’t give a fuck about what’s wrong with you pair. Just sort it out before you come to the lake with me and Peter. We don’t have any desire to play middlemen to your shit today, thanks.” James rose from the table, voice perhaps a few octaves louder than intended as he caught some unwanted attention from the Ravenclaw table and of course the Slytherin’s. Severus’ snivelly laughter could be heard, and James snatched the newspaper from Sirius as he stood up because it really was his.

If he could feel a steely gaze on him from beside Severus’ laughter, well he tried to imagine it was Mulciber following his path to the exit instead.

He marched his way out of the building, regretting instantly leaving his coat in his dorm but he needed air. He deposited the letter from his mother back in his pocket and threw the newspaper into the nearest bin as he made his way through the courtyard.

Leaves whisked at his feet, rising in swirls of yellow and orange as they crunched beneath his steps. He could feel the irritation clawing thick beneath his skin like he was a snake that needed shedding as he took the familiar path to the lakeside.

There was a particular bench that his friends tended to occupy, and it was no surprise that Peter was already sat there, coat zipped up to his chin and stone skimming across the undisturbed water’s surface. He didn’t greet the blonde as he approached, simply sat beside him with an irritated frown in place.

Wormtail’s nervous throat clearing broke the silence of the morning.

“Are they still going at it?” He asked sullenly, throwing a flat rock into the lake and James shifted on his seat, hearing the crinkle of paper in his back pocket as he moved.

“Any idea what it’s about this time?” He inquired to a shake of the head from Peter.

“No. Sirius was baying for blood upon waking up this morning. I heard him say something about Moony coming and going as he pleases, but fuck knows what that meant.” A comfortable stillness passed over them once more and just as James was getting used to it Peter cleared his throat again. “Prongs?”

He hummed in acknowledgement, eyeing his friend who was biting his bottom lip, anxiety visible in the turning of the rocks in his fingers.

“Do you think Sirius is ok?”

“Honestly?” It was a profound question, one that felt heavier than most and James didn’t really know how to respond. He didn’t feel the need to reply straight away, despite his friend’s expectant gaze because the words just weren’t there. “I think all the shit he’s reading in the papers is playing on his mind a bit.” He decided on and Peter’s mouth was in a tight line.

“Right. Has he said anything to you?”

“Just that he keeps an eye out on the news, really.” He said.

What he didn’t say was what burrowed beneath the surface of Sirius’ worry when Sirius would climb into James’ bed, casting a silencing charm around their bubble as he’d speak. The reports in the papers were causing a stir among everyone at Hogwarts. Muggle attacks were being reported more frequently, and James noticed the way people were eyeing certain students in the hallway. The Slytherin’s in particular were getting a wide birth and by name alone Sirius seemed to be on the tail end of scornful whispers too.

It was like no matter how hard he tried to shed the skin of his family name it was always stuck to him like a brand he couldn’t remove, and it kept him up more than he’d like to admit, even to James.

“Do you think he’s scared?”

“We’re all scared, aren’t we?”

“Of course.” Peter said quietly, looking back down at the rocks in his grasp.

James stared out at the light that danced over the surface of the lake. It had been a while since it had just been him and Pete and if he was honest, he missed it. Before Sirius, Peter had been his best friend. From a young age they had been close, the Pettigrew’s were frequent guests in the Potter household and James recalled many happy memories from childhood when the pair would run around the grounds of his home. Peter had been so carefree then, a ruddy-faced boy who would smile and follow James with an equal affinity for mischief. As he grew, so did his self-doubt and James wished for the right words to say that could raise his self-esteem. Peter was a good lad; he was funny and smart beneath it all and perhaps James didn’t cherish him as much as he deserved.

“There you are!” He heard a familiar voice call and the lads turned from their reveries as Marlene, Mary and Lily approached with smiles and their arms full of what looked like books. James didn’t hide his eye roll quick enough because Mary immediately swatted at him when she was near enough.

“You don’t have to study, Potter! We’re here to help, Petey!” She stuck her tongue out, laying out the blanket in her grasp and flattening it beside the bench on Peter’s side. He turned to greet them with a grateful smile and Marlene stroked his round cheek as she laid out the books on the checkered quilt.

“Ruli wouldn’t want me asking for a seventh-year tutorship in case I got a girl.”

“Right, so this way you get three of them! She can sleep much easier now!” James smirked with raised brows and Peter tutted him loudly.

“He’s told her that you guys will be with him too!” Mary responded, pushing her reading glasses on and James smiled. They suited her, thick-framed things that sat on her button nose, making her dark eyes impossibly larger as she scanned Peter’s checklist of study requirements. “Where are Remus and Sirius, anyhow?”

“They’re too busy getting a divorce over breakfast.” James rolled his eyes theatrically as Marlene sucked in an uneasy breath.

“Yikes! They’re still fighting, huh?” Her freckled face was screwed up and James nodded.

“Apparently so.”

“Yeah, I gave them a wide berth in the common room earlier.” Lily said, taking a seat beside James and he felt his irritation soften as she spread her soft blanket over her own lap and then his. “Remus was following Sirius as he stormed through the place like a tornado, and I knew that was my queue to get out of there!”

“Did you catch what they were arguing about?” His voice was low, just meant for her and she looked up at him through her lashes as she shrugged one shoulder.

“Something about Sirius only wanting him when it suited him?”

“Not a clue.” James laughed, shaking his head, and enjoying the way Lily nudged into his arm.

She opened her book tucking a flyaway strand of auburn hair behind her ear and James watched her closely. She settled into the bench, green eyes following the ramblings of some wizard from God knows when and James scooted closer to her beneath the blanket so that their legs were touching.

Mary began reading out a passage to Peter, her soft voice drifting on the breeze that enveloped their group and James felt his bones relax, the tension from the morning easing with every passing moment.

It was nice, James closing his eyes and listening to the quiet back and forth between the girls as they guided Peter around his Arithmancy coursework. He was just drifting off when he heard a sharp intake of breath.

“Here we go.” Marlene tutted, returning to her notes as the other’s followed to where her gaze had fallen.

Sirius and Remus were walking down from the castle and James sighed with relief. Moony was at least smiling, hands in his pockets as Sirius bounced alongside him, long curling hair dancing in the wind as they approached. Their cheeks were red, and their smiles sated, and James was just thankful they’d built a bridge over whatever bullshit from breakfast.

“Bloody hell Moony, it’s your wet dream here! Look, it’s a bunch of geeks with their noses in books!” Sirius teased as he squeezed himself immediately on the edge of the bench beside James. He tugged the blanket over his own legs without invitation, hooking one over James’s who canted his head to his friend.

“Sirius, learn when to be quiet.” Lupin chastised, kneeling beside Peter, and skimming over the notes he was making with Mary – he was already making suggestions when James squeezed Sirius’ knee to get his attention.

“You good?” He whispered and Sirius’ face softened. His smile was genuine, and James felt the concern in his chest dissipate immediately.

“I’m good.” His profile was lit up by the morning sun and James contemplated how it differed to Regulus’. Sirius was softer where Regulus was more angular, he had an easy blush where Regulus looked made of marble. “Sorry I was a dick about the letter from your Mother, I just-“ He took James from his thoughts and he instantly felt a sinking feeling of guilt swirl low in his gut. “I just worry.”

“Worry?”

“Sometimes I look at you and feel like there are things you’re not telling me.” Sirius’ eyes met his and the feeling didn’t fade away it intensified. James looked away before his friend could dig out the truth from his very gaze.

The truth being, what exactly?

“What?” James coughed dumbly and Sirius laughed a hand patting at his friend’s knee.

“It’s dumb, I know. Just know if there’s ever anything you need from me. I’m here.” He was so sincere that James felt sick, swallowing the lump in his throat that threatened to spew an apology there and then.

I’m sorry I’m keeping secrets from you. I’m sorry that I’m thinking of your brother more than I think is reasonable. I’m sorry I’m talking to him behind your back. I’m sorry because I know you hate him, and this feels something like a betrayal that you of all people don’t deserve.

“You fruit, Black.” He decided on.

“In your dreams, sugar tits.” And with a wink Sirius was leaning over James to bother Lily who couldn’t suppress the smirk on her face despite her attempts to appear annoyed.

As the late morning sun glistened across the lake’s waters, James sat pondering yet again what Sirius would say if he were to know of the note that was burning a hole in his back pocket. The more James thought, the more he felt like it was a secret that was worth taking to the grave.

Chapter Text

Tuesday 12^th October

James walked down the hall, hauling his heavy book bag further up his shoulder as he and Peter made their way to Herbology. James felt rather confident about handing in his essay on the properties of leaping toadstools. He’d even written an extra 3 inches over the required length after getting slightly carried away whilst discussing their origin of sentience.

Herbology wasn’t his favourite subject, but Professor Fledgling was pleasant enough – even if slightly unorthodox in his teaching. Rumor had it, he’d been called into Dumbledore’s office a few times to “rethink the learning strategies of his classroom”.

He tended to deviate slightly from the suggested curriculum and one time even finished class early to encourage the class to become ‘one with nature’. His intentions probably wasn’t for the lads to leave and get utterly shit-faced on some terrible weed Sirius had bought from a seventh year, but that’s what they did anyway.

The archways of the large corridor were adorned with students, all looking slightly tired at the early hour of the morning and whilst half-listening to a conversation about Aurelia and her family holidays to Cyprus during the summer, James spotted Regulus.

He was stood leaning against a stone pillar, looking up at Mulciber and Severus as they no doubt passed spiteful remarks about those passing them.

Despite being Lily’s shadow for the first few years of school, Severus’ disdain was more often than not directed at James in particular. There was still a fear that misted his judgement of Sirius, his family name carrying far larger of a weight than Potter ever could. Remus seemed almost too boring to make fun of because it was nigh impossible to get a rise out of him.

‘They can’t say anything about me that isn’t already fundamentally true’ he’d say, gesturing to his facial scar and slender frame.

Unsurprisingly, James had more run-ins with Severus when Lily’s annoyance toward him softened into affection and eventually the mutual hatred grew into regular back and forths of hexes and curses between his friends and that Slytherin crew of loons.

It was almost a shame how Regulus seemed to fall into that crowd with ease when he had arrived at Hogwarts. James still remembered back in second year when Sirius’ ears had pricked in the great hall sorting ceremony as Regulus made his way to the stool.

The hat had barely hovered over him before calling out Slytherin and James would never be able to forget the way disappointment poured out of Sirius as he visibly deflated at the cheering of those across the hall. His sad eyes had followed Regulus, and Regulus had mouthed a word at his brother.

A single word, one that James thought was most likely a stranger to the fifth year’s lips by now.

Sorry. He had mouthed as he took a seat next to Severus Snape whose sneer was openly directed towards an utterly defeated Sirius.

That same spiteful sneer was ever-present still as Snape’s eyes travelled over the bodies in the hallway from his position on the stone archway. His burly companion Mulciber was whispering to him, pointing towards a group of Hufflepuffs on the opposite side of the corridor. Severus looked particularly shifty, scrawny shoulders hunched and lifeless hair curling at the edges from his insistent nervous gesture of tucking the strands behind overly large ears.

It appeared that Regulus was isolated from their conspiratorial musings.

James couldn’t deny that that in itself was rather interesting.

Regulus’ hair was more often than not free of its usual gel as of late, the curls looking freshly washed as he pushed a hand through them. That appeared to be a habit of his, one that had echoes of Sirius teasing the edges of the movement even though Sirius had grown his hair far longer in some slight rebellion in the face of his picture-perfect family.

Regulus’ hair was effortless though, like the prat just happened to wake up like that, and the perfect curls fell in the most perfect way without even needing any further attention.

Regulus toyed with the glossy leather of his bag strap, distracted from the conversation around him as he appeared lost himself in his thoughts. He had a pensive expression on his face which would have probably inspired Bernini to use the miserable git as his muse for all the depressing sculptures he’d made.

That thought had crossed James’ mind before, he was sure.

With a sideways look to Pete who was engrossed in his own musings, James fished in his pocket for his readily folded note. His friend was wittering on about Aurelia and something to do with magical plants – it was probably useful really, seeing as they were going to Herbology, but James was suitably distracted.

Beneath James’ bed there was an old shoe box that had once stored the Quidditch boots he had been gifted on his 15^th birthday. Since then, the boots had become well-worn, demoted to being kicked beside his trunk in a messy bundle by tired legs after training. But the box they came in remained, promoted to the role of secret keeper for all notes signed R.A.B.

The growing collection were an investment really, as James never knew when he would need to whip them out to use as leverage to utterly embarrass Regulus in front of his loony mates.

James muttered the spell he’d learned beneath his breath and watched as the note in his hand flew through the air at his command. It twisted elegantly into the shape of a small sparrow as it went, fluttering inconspicuously through the throngs of students in the corridor and flying into Regulus’ hand who snatched it mid-air with a flinch of surprise.

A seeker’s touch.

He looked down at it, throwing a glance up at a passing James who continued his walk to class innocently with a sudden investment in Peter’s conversation.

James wondered what excuse Regulus would make to his mates so he could go off and read the note that was becoming commonplace between them. Perhaps he wouldn’t even read it. Perhaps he’d throw it away without a second thought.

A bitter thought indeed but thankfully not likely, if Regulus Black was anything at all, it was curious and that would most likely be the death of him one day.

James could relate to that at least.

He too often succumbed to the insistent urge to know everything and anything at all times, Remus called it his most unlikeable trait. He’d say it with a smirk, eyes piercing him from over some classic novel of his as he eyed James and his complaints about yet another detention courtesy of his rampant curiosity.

It was a blessing and a curse and that’s possibly how he and Regulus shared the incessant desire to get the last word during their little back and forths.

There was another prospect of course to how Regulus would choose to read the note and it was one that made James feel like his skin was itching from the inside. Something that felt like it shouldn’t have been allowed to occupy any space in his mind. It made his head spin, lungs feeling like they didn’t have enough capacity to collect the air he needed.

The possibility that would see Regulus waiting until he was alone in the safety of his dorm room that evening. Where he’d sit on his neatly made bed with the curtains closed around him, closing in his secret until it was just him and James’ words. His wand tip would be gleaming in the semi-darkness as he’d read over the note with that weird half-smile on his face.

The one that looked like the prat was fighting against it and losing.

“I didn’t think you would appreciate me coming up to you whilst you’re in the hallway with your snivelly mates just to personally thank you for your help with my astronomy coursework! Turns out I did alright!
Imagine what they’d do if they found out you were using your knowledge for the greater good?!
So, this is your opportunity to appreciate my impressive charms or get further acquainted with Myra at breakfast time!
She’s a terrifically friendly companion. I wish I could say the same about you, mind.
You miserable arse!
                   Much to your continued disdain, James.”

*

James was sat on the floor outside the potion’s classroom, scanning over his advanced potion making book. He didn’t have his class until after break but thought he was able to get a bit of extra reading time in before attempting to brew an underwater-breathing potion during the lesson practical.

He’d annotated the margins with extra tips that Marlene had offered him over the weekend, but he still couldn’t work out why he’d need to blend the gillyweed before putting it in the broth? It just didn’t make sense when it clearly stated to chop it up first. But she swore blind it worked.

Marlene had an aptitude for potion-making and Slughorn was positively beside himself with her progress, even threatening to invite her to his ghastly little elitist club that he had declared he was starting in the weeks leading up to Christmas.

That had been aptly coined by the Marauders as ‘Slug Club’.

Slug Club was a point of contention in their group, it was basically a popularity parade a ‘anyone whose anyone’ gets an invite all in the guise of academic ability.

“Well, I’m not bloody going! I’d rather perish a most untimely death than sit round with a bunch of pompous twats, wanking each other off about their achievements!” Sirius had exclaimed, hanging upside down on his dorm room bed, his invitation from Slughorn abandoned beside him as he lay charming little fireflies to drift around Remus on the opposite side of the room.

Moony was sat in the window, shirt off and applying Pomfrey’s ointment to his scars as per her request.  She had stated that they wouldn’t necessarily fade but it was worth a go, at least.

James focused on shining his quidditch boots following on from a muddy practice session. His muscles felt tight, heavy with the familiar ache of exertion. He had nailed several shots and he was positively buzzing to start the Quidditch season.

He continued to shine clean his shoes, trying not to look at Remus for too long because he knew it made him uncomfortable to be watched too closely.

His body was a patchwork of scars. Some were large and white, sinking into his pale skin with the memory of transformations long passed. Others were slightly newer, pink, and angry looking as they contrasted heavily with the lightness of his complexion. They were the ones he was instructed to coat in a thick blue unpleasant-smelling paste, long fingers rubbing the substance in tentatively that shimmered underneath the intermittent orange glow of fireflies.

Peter wasn’t looking at him either; he was sulking on his bed reading through Quidditch weekly with a demolished packet of chocolate wands at his side.

The music from the vinyl player in the corner crackle softly as James looked at Sirius and how he was unabashedly watching Remus from his position on the bed.

There was a thoughtful edge to his curiosity and James had seen a similar look on the face of his younger brother. Sirius and his penchant for being curious would often come across as overly familiar but maybe that’s what Remus in particular needed in a friend. Someone who refused to pussy-foot around him and his condition.

Like during their first meeting when the tables had been whispering and Sirius had brazenly mentioned Remus’ scars with an easy grin and a nudge.

And Remus had looked thankful.

“Well one of us has to go to his club!” James whined, scuffing along the side of his boot, the pot of boot polish floating beside him and applying itself to more stubborn areas of dried dirt.

“Count me out, I think I attempted to eat myself during my latest transformation. Forgive me for not wanting to dress up in something clean and sparkly for the evening.” James tried not to bristle at the sadness that found its way into Lupin’s monotonous tone.

“Exactly! Throwing glitter on a turd still makes it a turd, after all!” Sirius responded cheekily, words melting into a cackle as Remus flicked some of the questionable ointment towards him. Sirius easily deflected the drops that came towards him and with a gentle flick of his wand they vanished.

Annoyingly, the fireflies didn’t even move despite Sirius’ minute distraction.

Clever bastard.

“Don’t even look at me, I wasn’t invited” Peter remarked sullenly, and James fixed him with a mocking pout that earned him a swift middle finger.

It was no secret that peter wasn’t as academically apt as the others, Slughorn more often than not fixing him with a confused pout as he’d ponder briefly over the bubbling concoction that Peter had somehow managed to create as though it was more of a feat than anything to fuck up so entirely.

“Lils is apparently going, she mentioned it the other day to Moony on their prefect rounds.” Sirius waited for Remus’ huff of confirmation before rolling onto his front to get a better look at James, long curls dancing over his shoulders in an elegant fall. “And if you go James, you’ll be subjected to an utterly sickening display from my piece of shit brother. It’ll be so romantic to rekindle yours and Lily’s old passion as you listen to Reg as he bores the living daylights out of everyone in his immediate vicinity.”

James felt himself shift uncomfortably, rubbing the brush over his quidditch boots, thankful for the distraction.

The mentioning of Regulus blind-sided him entirely, still feeling a sharp stab of guilt twist bitterly into his side whenever he was reminded that Sirius loathed the boy. A startling reminder that James was hiding their correspondence on purpose. It felt rather like a ticking time bomb for Sirius to eventually find out. It wasn’t exactly out of the realms of possibility that he could stumble upon the letters that sat in the shoe box less than 2 metres away from where he slept every night.

James had of course already considered the attendance of Regulus Black at Slughorn’s get together. It was obvious that he’d be invited really; Regulus was an exemplary student all round and that wasn’t a secret. His smug photograph adorned many cabinets along the school halls, name engraved on a variety of trophies boasting a litany of achievements.

Sirius didn’t say anything whenever they’d happen across one, he’d just look with an indifferent stare before turning away and leaving James wondering if his friend had any room left inside of him to feel proud of his brother.

Or was their relationship so irreparably broken that Sirius had lost all brotherly instinct that he had once shown when Regulus had been a timid first year with blushing cheeks and a shy smile.

“Oh goody! Now I’m definitely up for it!” James replied, sardonically.

“Just think of it as an insight into the uppity know-it-alls of the school!” Remus said, rising from his position on the windowsill and swatting away the fireflies who has been charmed to fly in lazy circles around his head.

There was something calming about them, and James supposed that was why Remus hadn’t actually attempted to squash them all. Sirius snorted as Remus chose to ignore as best as he could, which probably meant he was actually quite fond of them.

“I get that enough with you two thanks!” James pointed at them, Remus pulling on a red bed shirt that hung loose on his lanky frame. Sirius grinned from where he was lounging on his messy bed, embodying a cat who had sprawled out within a sunlit patch on a living room rug.

“Thanks for not including me in that, Prongs.” He couldn’t tell if Petey was being sarcastic or not from where he was perched against his headboard, encased in the shadow of his bed canopy.

“Only because you’re the resident school know-nothing-at-all!” James winked.

“Fuck you, and you and you!” Peter remarked, pointing between all three of his laughing friends before returning to his magazine with a shake of his head.

So, that was pretty much it, James was to tell Slughorn that morning that he’d attend the first Slug Club of the year and hopefully that meant he could at least have his foot in the door for a half decent reference for his Auror application once he’d leave Hogwarts.

It also meant he could spend more time with Lily too. He did miss her as the pair drifted apart as they matured. Lily chose to spend more time with the girls as she grew older, and James in turn began immersing himself completely in Quidditch and being Gryffindor Captain.

It would be nice to have specific time every few weeks carved out just to spend time with her and if he could use that time to scratch the ever-growing curious itch of Regulus Black, then it was a double win.

Something caught his eye in the dimly lit corridor, pulling him from his thoughts and James looked up from his Potions book to see a small green butterfly fluttering around him. Its fragile wings glittered against the wall torch light and James felt mesmerized by its flight path. He frowned, the particular shade of green immediately making him bristle until he looked up to see a familiar figure making his way up the dungeon stairs.

James stared at where Regulus had disappeared, the Slytherin hadn’t looked back, the elegant curl of his robes swishing up the spiraling staircase, the final trace of his presence even being there to begin with. The butterfly landed gently on his opened book and unfurled into a small piece of parchment to reveal its hidden message and knowing scrawl.

“You have a point about me not wanting your company in the hallways! Well done for being at least mildly perceptive.
10 points to Gryffindor!
I wasn’t a huge fan of your little charms display. So, enjoy this taste of your own medicine, try not to choke on it.

(Myra is slightly more tolerable, I must admit. At least she’s cute.)

Begrudgingly, RAB.”

The paper turned once more into a butterfly, perched on James’ finger and he held it closer to inspect it. It was a terrific piece of skill, beneath the horrific shade of Slytherin green he could see Regulus’ handwritten words, emblazed in the wings so that it became almost a cypher to any who had not read the note.

As it sat, its little legs moved as though it were a living thing, and James couldn’t deny the flare of amazement that took hold of him.

Suddenly, Regulus’ academic achievements seemed completely justified.

He contemplated Regulus and his magical ability for a moment. He was clearly intelligent; Sirius had said they’d both had a very strict and educational private tutorship during their infancy preparing them for Hogwarts and it was clear that they had both developed an aptitude for the academic side of wizardry that was perhaps beyond their years.

Regulus was more subtle with his knowledge whereas Sirius was brazened, enjoying being cock-sure and confident when it came to his understanding. The fireflies he’d charmed the other night were done with a simple flourish of a wand and a casual smirk when Remus noticed them fly into view.

Sirius thrived on being top of the class without even trying and he wanted everyone to know it.

But Regulus had a nuance to his intelligence.

His butterfly charm and echo of that nuance. It was a secret piece of magic that was alive in James’ palm despite Regulus disappearing from the hall all together with not another soul around to witness its creation.

The amazement was paired with an air of caution as James sat there on the floor with Slytherin green wings fluttering like a warning. He wondered if the butterfly would be true to Regulus’ words and would eventually attempt to fly into his mouth and choke him to death.

Perhaps he had meant that literally, he was a scumbag Slytherin after all.

He couldn’t allow himself to forget that as there was still an insistent voice in his head that was growing sick with reminding him that he needed to be guarded, that Regulus couldn’t be trusted.

A voice lost along the moors of his mind that echoed whenever James’ walls crumbled. Whenever he forgot who Regulus Black truly was. No matter how beautiful or delicate Regulus’ charms appeared, they were untrustworthy by his name alone.

But nothing came of his concern, just a gentle flutter of wings every now and again that flashed the words from the note against an agile wingspan.

Perhaps it was a challenge requested, to see if James could match him despite the year that separated their schooling. And James encouraged the butterfly into his pocket watching as it settled back into a note that had well and truly distracted him from his potions textbook until his mind was ablaze only with growing embers of a fire in Regulus Black’s image.

If James was a sucker for anything at all, it was a challenge.

Thursday 14^th October 1976

Sirius – the git- was sat with an awkward smile, hand on his butterbeer and eyes fixated on James who couldn’t meet his gaze otherwise the laughter threatening to escape him would fill the uncomfortable silence of their table.

Remus was there too smacking his lips together after a long gulp of his drink and looking every bit as uncomfortable as Sirius at his side. He sat back, looking at Peter and his girlfriend, with a long arm thrown casually on the back of Sirius’ seat.

The pub was quite empty on a weekday afternoon, not late enough to occupy wizards finishing work and not early enough for the lunch time customers to come through the doors in a rush.

The clock was ticking overhead, mutters audible from the few men in there – propped at the bar and breaking the quiet with the odd clink of glass on old wood. James thought it was one of the more unpleasant experiences he’d had in The Three Broomsticks.

The most unpleasant probably being when he’d first tried to fist-fight Severus Snape after Sirius had swiped some fire-whiskey from the top shelf using James’ invisibility cloak! The marauders had sat in the corner of the pub, topping up their butterbeers with whiskey until their bones turned hot and their movements swimmier. After one too many drinks and one too many glowers thrown his way by Sniverus, James had thrown a punch at the big nosed tosser.

However, he’d grossly miscalculated distance and wound-up stumbling without hitting his target. James had drunkenly fallen face-first into a wooden beam and broke his glasses with a graceless snap.

Sirius had at least waited until they were outside and away from the taunting Slytherin’s before laughing so much he nearly pissed himself.

Regulus hadn’t been there that day; he’d been too young to be allowed into Hogsmeade back then.

“So, Aurelia... Peter said you’re starting up a Herbology club, that’s …cool!” Remus said, at least sounding mildly interested and that was why he was the best of them.

Aurelia was … well, she was rather quite a strange girl even for Peter’s standards. She was a Ravenclaw sixth year, with long hair braids and an aquiline nose that had a gawdy pair of glasses balancing on the end of it. Her demeanor was entirely too sunny, and her large eyes looked as though the lights were indeed on, but whenever she spoke it became apparent that no one was home.

She sat pressed against Peter’s side who was beaming a full and goofy grin of pride. James at least relished in his happiness and supposed that was the reason that lads were even subjecting themselves to the awkwardness of the meeting in the first place.

“Yes! It’s going to be just brilliant, me and my friends wanted to do something that could show everyone the incredible properties of some of these brilliant plants!” She looked between all three of them with those wide, excitable eyes. “Did you know that Alihotsy is the key ingredient in laughing potion! Which is brilliant because it’s such a fun plant! Literally!”

“Brilliant.” Sirius declared, smiling over at James who shook his head minutely, staring at the beer mat on the table, thumb pressing the corner down so it dog eared.

He could feel the laughter trapped behind his lips and it was killing him. Mainly because if he laughed, he’d have to deal with a sullen Peter and that really wasn’t a fun way to spend the next couple of days.

“Ruli is also throwing a Halloween party this year, aren’t you baby?” Peter said, squeezing the girl with the arm that had been draped around her shoulders since they had sat down.

“Well, technically it’s Carmela and the others but I’ve made a few suggestions too.” She said, cheeks blushing and teeth biting at her protruding lower lip.

James vaguely knew Carmela as the girl that Sirius had slept with in the astronomy tower during his promiscuous spell in Fourth year. That had been another moment of contention within the friendship group. Mary had slapped him around the face at dinner one night, her eyes red rimmed with tears of feeling used. Peter had turned to James with a look that said ‘James, do something’ as Sirius was being screamed at in a hall that had fallen silent. 

Remus hadn’t joined them for dinner that night, so it was James and James alone who stood between his best friend and Mary, trying to diffuse the situation before the teachers would hand them all some detentions.

Either way, Sirius had crudely coined Carmela as big jugs, after their tryst.

James dared a glance to Sirius to see him subtly make a breast gesture with his hands, a knowing pout on his face. Luckily, Remus gave him a shove under the table and Sirius was back on his best (still not great) behavior.

“Consider us in, Ruli! Can’t have a party without the resident party man in attendance!” Sirius said pointing to himself with a wide beam and James rolled his eyes.

It had been a while since they’d had a party. They had managed one back in the first week of September, but workloads and schedules seemed to have gotten in the way more than they anticipated. The little get together had been in their dorm – charming their room with a silencing spell so that Sirius could crank up the vinyl player as loud as it would go. It had been brilliant, the group dancing around the dorm like mad things, that quickly deteriorated into Peter passing out in the bathroom.

Sirius and James had drawn over his face with re-appearing ink, laughing until it turned to silent splutters in the space between them.

The week of detentions that followed had been so worth it when halfway through Transfiguration, McGonagall’s shrill voice called out Peter’s name who suddenly had various dick drawings across his face, neck, and hands in thick black ink.

“Do inform us when you actually invite the resident party man then, Sirius.” Remus replied dryly, smirking into his bottle as Sirius fixed him with a mock aghast expression.  James barked out laughter at that, relieved he could finally make a noise that wouldn’t get him into trouble.

“You can go off people, you know Moony!”

“Peter had mentioned that you two were arguing the other day! I argue with my friends all the time, so it’s nice to see you are both ok again!” Aurelia said and James’ eyes widened in stunned surprise.

The girl was positively clueless when it came to social interactions, and Remus watched her with a frown on his scarred face that had the faintest lines of amusement in the edges of his expression.

“Thanks for bringing that up.” Sirius said with a glare towards Peter and his evident big mouth. He at least had the decency to stare at the table, face contorted into an embarrassed grimace.

“Thanks Aurelia, I’m as ok as you can be when you’re mates with an arse like Sirius Black.”  Remus responded with a polite smile.

“Don’t worry, I don’t think you’re an arse Sirius.” She leaned forwards, none the wiser to her slip up as she threw a smile to the lad across the table from her.

“Thank you, my lovely.”

“And I also don’t think you have anything to do with the weird, scary things that are going on in the world at the moment either-“ She said sincerely and James looked across to his best friend who’s face had now slipped into an unreadable mask.

“Right, we should probably get going now! Me and Ruli were planning on studying tonight and it’s getting quite late!” It wasn’t, but Peter said it around an awkward yawn. He rose from his seat, guiding Aurelia up who seemed beyond confused at the change of pace as she was shepherded toward the pub door with her coat all but shoved into her arms.

Peter waved a goodbye at his friends who just stared at the door the pair had quickly disappeared through and an awkward silence fell over them.

James cleared his throat when it stretched on for slightly too long.

“Fuckin’ hell.” He laughed, sitting back in his seat, and pushing his glasses up his nose. “Well, she seems bloody perfect for our Pete, I’ll tell you that much!”

“Yeah, just the right levels of fucking awkward and bonkers!” Moony replied, eyes dragging away from the door to the boy beside him. “You alright?” He asked privately, hand dropping onto Sirius’ shoulder.

He squeezed it softly, palm flattening into a massaging gesture and James watched the tension seep out of Sirius’ frame almost instantly. He remembered with a spike of bitterness how long it took for that same tension to loosen from his stance during the summer days when James had been at the helm, and he couldn’t help but feel suddenly agitated.

“M’fine. I mean, it’s always nice to know that there are still people in the world who don’t think I’m associated with the sadists that are my family.” He took a large gulp of beer, reaching over to Peter’s half—drunk bottle to demolish that too.

“We don’t know for a fact that they are involved, Sirius.” Remus reasoned and Sirius’ laughter was dry and full of scorn.

“But we do, don’t we? Who else would it be?”

It was getting increasingly scary, James would admit. He had more frequent letters from his parents telling him to be vigilant and to let Dumbledore know if he saw anything that could be deemed as suspicious, but he still didn’t know what that could possibly look like?

He was too young to understand what was going on in the world despite everything within him telling him he needed to get a grasp on it because he couldn’t offer his help if he was still a useless little kid.

“Don’t jump to conclusions mate. All we can do is just keep reading the news and see how it unfolds.” He said, unhelpfully.

“You’re telling me you don’t think my parents, Bella, Cissy and the bloody Malfoy clan aren’t part of it all?” Sirius leaned forward, voice dropping into a whisper and James gulped at the unsavory thought.

“I don’t know-”

“I bet Regulus knows.” Sirius said, eyes narrowing and bitterness clinging to each syllable he spat out.

James frowned down at his drink, letting Remus and Sirius’ back and forth drift over him. He didn’t know why he was biting back retorts to his best friend of all people. He didn’t even know what he’d bloody well say. Sirius had every right to be annoyed at his shit family, even more of a right to be annoyed at his tosser little brother.

James had no right to get defensive on Regulus’ behalf.

No right at all.

Still, he couldn’t deny that Regulus was setting up camp in his mind as of late and it didn’t take long for James to spend hours trying to figure out the inner workings of the prat. James tended to frequent the library even when he didn’t have assignments, simply to read through countless charms books in the pursuit of something that would impress the seemingly unimpressible fifth year.

The logical part of his mind knew that if Sirius’ hellish family were up to something that Regulus may have been aware, but James struggled to align those thoughts up with the boy he’d see in the corridor during lesson changeover or in the great hall having his lunch.

He was merely a boy, a boy who loved charms and quidditch and that muggle artist Bernini didn’t make impressive sculptures just for them to carry hatred within their marble casing.

When they returned from Hogsmede, James went to the library much too aware that he was already sacrificing to much of his school time to being distracted. Remus had looked proud, instantly turning to Sirius to chastise him for his own lack of effort but thankfully the two didn’t offer to join him.

On his way, James saw Regulus sat in the courtyard alone, legs crossed on the edge of the stone bench. He appeared engrossed in a Divination textbook, hand absent-mindedly holding at a peach that had yet to be bitten into. October was growing colder, but Regulus didn’t appear to notice as the breeze blew his curls back off his face. The shadow of the willow tree above splintering the autumnal sunlight before it reached him, and James found the moment most opportune to rise to the challenge.

He flicked his wand, muttering the spell he’d happened across and watched as the note in his pocket drifted through the air. It materialized into individual dandelion seeds as it went. The fuzzy strands dancing through the courtyard and Regulus startled as they floated suddenly into his vision. They hovered before him for a moment, each strand joining together slowly to form a fluffy dandelion that he reached out to hold.

James watched curiously from the sideline, Regulus gently grasping at the green stem as he inspected it with vague intrigue alight in his gaze. If he squinted for long enough, he would be able to make out James’ writing moving through the seeds like the broken sunlight over him and it didn’t take long for the flower to change into a note.

Regulus let out a knowing sigh.

He rounded on James’ laugh as it escaped him, and he caught Regulus’ stare before pushing himself away from the stone window and back towards the library to attempt to study for his upcoming Transfiguration test. He wondered if Regulus was reading the note as he left the scene, eyes of ice melting over the words and God forbid, warming him from the inside.

“Aside from the colour, your butterfly charm was rather quite… well charming actually! I’ve now got the little fella to flutter around under the canopy of my bed. I think I may have made a new friend!
Hopefully this charm of mine is as appreciated on your part.
          Continuously, James”

Saturday 17th October

“Bloody hell Peter, just because she’s the first girl to put out doesn’t mean she’s the one.” Remus declared, taking a deep inhale from the joint in his grasp before passing it lazily to Sirius. Padfoot was relaxing against a rather large pumpkin, foot resting on his knee as lithe fingers received the rolled cigarette. His eyes were hooded – rimmed red and blinking slowly against the grey clouds hanging low in the sky. He looked like an effortless rockstar, and it would be infuriating if it wasn’t so Sirius.

There was a threat of rain in the air, but James didn’t give a single fuck. His bones felt light, eyes watching the shiver of the canopy of leaves above him from their spot behind the Herbology sheds. It was where the old run-down classrooms were now used as storage, but it was just out of place enough to make for the perfect smoking spot. Not only that, but the scent of the plants in the storage rooms masked the heavy scent of weed pretty much perfectly.

“She makes me happy, Remus. You know that emotion that you feel when you smile.” Peter remarked dryly and Sirius and James cooed at Moony’s expense. To his credit, even Remus huffed out a laugh. It wasn’t often that Petey was quick, so it was a sight to behold whenever his brain shook itself of its cobwebs for long enough to think of a witticism.

“What our dear friend is trying to say, Petey, is that thinking of marriage this soon is a tad extreme.” James inputted, with a flourish of his hand as the joint was passed back to him.

Merlin, it really did taste awful, but did it really matter when it made him feel like he could sink into the earth beneath him?

“Especially for a girl who refuses to swallow your cum!”

“Fuckin’ hell, Pads!” James hollered, covering his face, and spluttering out a plume of smoke. His laughter amplified at the absolute look of outrage on Peter’s red face.

“She doesn’t refuse, she just doesn’t like the taste! Would you like the taste of it, Sirius?” Peter remarked and Moony’s laugh was abrupt and earned a clumsy kick from Sirius.

“And that’s marriage material, is it?” Pads replied, James in absolute hysterics as Wormtail stuttered and stammered any semblance of a remark back to Sirius who simply took another inhale.

“I want a wife, Padfoot. Not a whore.” Peter declared before he was given the ends of the joint.

They were all slightly more wavering in their movements now and James sighed at the feeling.

“You’re sixteen, why are you even thinking about marriage?” Remus’ brow was risen, gaze fixed on Peter’s flushed face.

“Do you not want to get married, Moony?” Peter asked, his tone was wistful clearly thinking of Ravenclaw robes and a lilting giggle.

“Of course, I do.” He said, voice timid and James eyed him curiously. Remus was staring at his hands, thumb stroking over where a wedding band would sit on his finger if he were ever to get one.

There was a thoughtful look on his face, lined with something quite melancholy and James yearned to know what inner-workings were drifting around that fortress of a mind. Remus and his romanticisms were a secret well-guarded and James often wondered if he was even interested in sex at all.

The others had girlfriends, flings and spoke long into the night about who they’d rather shag and who looked sexiest in their robes. Remus, however, seemed above such talk and would sit with an open book and a raised eyebrow.

“When the time is right, I suppose. Especially not at the tender age of sixteen.”  Remus ended.

“What about you, Prongs?”

James contemplated marriage for a moment. He assumed it was a thing that needed to be as easy as it was for his parents for it to be worth anything at all. Why would he want to get married if he didn’t spend every day full of laughter and genuine warmth? He didn’t even know if that was a fair reflection of marriage or just a long shot of luck that happened to fall into place for his parents.

There had been a short rose-tinted time where James thought he was destined to marry Lily Evans. He had been mad on her for the first few years at school, enraptured by her long red hair, her frame larger than her friends but it was enchanting to see how her robes defined the shapes of her body. Her confidence was unrivalled, and her quick wit was sharp, and James remembered how happy she had made him.

He felt like he was the proudest boy on earth the first time they had walked through corridors hand in hand in third year. He remembered looking over at her, the light from the tall windows illuminating her in a golden glow and he truly understood the meaning of happiness.

But it hadn’t lasted, and James remembered with equal clarity when he had sat with a lump in his throat whilst Lily cried soft tears of sorry that she didn’t feel the same.

Sirius had said that day that if it were meant to be they would find one another again and as the months went on James held out hope. But his teenage brain and appetite skipped from girl to girl and before he knew it Lily-the-one had materialized into Lily-his-mate, and it had been that way ever since.

He hadn’t really experienced the same flutter of feeling since her however, despite his trysts with other girls so maybe she was destined to be his only shot of love, squandered.

The one that got away.

He’d often thought that he wasn’t destined to marry someone as meant for him as his mother and father had been for one another. It seemed as though; he was always going to be drawn to someone like Lily who could match him in his stubbornness and flair for the dramatic.

Perhaps he craved the unrehearsed dance of getting to know someone rather than just falling instantly because that wasn’t realistic. He didn’t believe the tales of ‘love at first sight’ because how could you fall in love with someone that you didn’t even know?

Love at first sight tended to miss out on all the exciting parts of falling in love, after all. It missed out on the longing glances, the fluttering butterflies at the sound of their voice, the sense of dread at the thought of them not being around. All the mushy stuff the lads would tease him to the ends of the earth about if he dared ever speak it out loud.

“Only if she swallows my cum, like.” He decided to say instead of his internal soliloquy and that was probably for the best because it had them all setting off into laughter again. He laughed until his stomach ached, and his head swam, ridding it of any thoughts until all that remained was lightheadedness that had them giggling for a beat longer than perhaps was truly necessary.

But Merlin, did it feel good.

Wednesday 20^th October

It became apparent almost immediately that he was running out of potential charms to annoy Regulus with. Some of the more intricate and cool ones were begrudgingly just above his capabilities and after several wasted parchment sheets, he found himself storming off in a huff from the familiar darkness of the library corner.

Others he was able to do easily just weren’t impressive enough. There had been one that would charm the parchment into a little paper plane.

Over done!

Another that would manifest into a little ship that floated through the air like it was on waves.

Boring!

Regulus had sent him another imaginative one and despite the smile that had adorned his face upon seeing it, he’d also felt slightly one upped yet again.

Regulus had charmed a little green firework to shoot up to the Gryffindor tower window and all but burst a piece of parchment onto the pane of glass to his dorm room. James quickly looked over his shoulder, thankful that he was alone as he opened the window, reaching for the note and smirking down at the writing found there.

“It was mildly tempting to cause a scene with this one! Maybe do a huge lakeside firework display of green and silver with snakes that crackle through the air. I can imagine that would send you and your little Gryffindor mates, reeling!
          What a sight to behold!
          Perpetually annoyed, R.A.B.”

A personal favourite of James’ had been the spider one that he’d conjured up in response, and what a brilliant find it had been!

He found an opportune moment to use it when he had seen Regulus’ group of Slytherin’s as they lounged in the late autumn sunlight of the courtyard. Barty Crouch holding court and Regulus sat with an opened book – clearly the Remus of his friends’ group.

 So, James used the moment to charm his note into a long-legged insect that scurried off towards them. As the spider approached, James watched from the castle entrance, encased in shadow from the large doorway. He did an internal countdown and as he got to one, he heard the girls in their group screech. They upturned whatever was on their laps fleeing the scene and startling the boys around them.

All except Regulus.

He sat calmly, eyes drifting over the lines of his book unable to hide his laughter. James felt weakened for a moment, just watching the raw edge of Regulus’ grin as it took over his face without thought or the effort of holding it back.

It was well… it was different.

It wasn’t a smirk of hatred; it wasn’t a shy little thing he was trying to hide. It was open, his teeth glimmering white in the pale sunlight as he watched the spider crawl towards him. His laughter was gentle, a soft staccato of noise and it hit James then that he’d never heard it before.

Regulus cast his gaze upwards in expectation of the Gryffindor’s presence and James immediately turned on the spot, heading back into the castle, not wanting to see how that rare bright smile of joy would shrivel and die into a frown at the sight of James Potter.

That felt counter-productive somehow.

“Dendren has definitely got it out for McGonagall by the way! Heard them arguing outside the Staff lounge, it was bloody brilliant! I think he may have it out for everyone so be careful of getting on his bad side.
After all, it is so very easy to despise you, Reggie.
          Watchfully, James”

When James returned to his common room, book bag heavy with tomes for his Transfiguration essay (and one or two on the magic of charmed origami) he found his friends sat in their usual place by the fire side. Peter was writing a letter home, a frown on his face in concentration as Remus and Sirius played wizard chess in the window.

“You know Sirius, as a student here you are actually allowed to check out these magnificent things called books. They harbor within their leathery walls, so much useful information that you can use for homework!” James began sarcastically, dropping himself in the seat behind his mate and digging in his bag to further prove his point.

Sirius had agreed to go to the library with James that afternoon, promising him that he was going to start taking his term of studying more seriously. They were over a month in, and Sirius was getting into a terrible habit of doing the bare minimum.

Marlene chuckled at James from where she was lying in front of the fire. She and Lily were sharing a copy of ‘Spellbound!’ Pointing and whispering conspiratorially as they flicked through the photographs of magical heartthrobs posing in ridiculous ways and blowing kisses at them.

“That is quite literally a picture book you’ve got there, James.” Remus added and Sirius turned with a cackle already falling from his mouth.

“Origami?” He said with a furrowed brow, reaching for the book James was holding out. He immediately felt himself flush, sure beyond belief that he had grabbed one of the slightly larger Transfiguration books required for their coursework.

Apparently not and he huffed in response.

“It’s called having a hobby, tosser.” He masked, shoving it in his bag before Sirius could claw at it.

“Tits are my hobby.” Sirius said, turning back to his chess board and ignoring the groans of unappreciation from those around him. He had the gall to act like he was seriously considering his next move in the game and James couldn’t repress his laughter.

“You’re a pig!” Marlene tutted, kicking at Sirius’ chair leg who shrugged in mocking.

“How can tits be one’s hobby, then Black?” Remus asked, leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest, his rook swinging for one of Sirius’ pawns.

He had a playful edge to his smile, and it was so refreshing to see. Pomfrey’s scar ointment hadn’t done much in terms of lightening his scars, but Remus’ last transformation was behind him now and there was a lightness to the way he carried himself as the days passed. James knew that it was only a matter of time until Remus’ mood would begin to turn, the full moon of November on the horizon.

“I can go into heavy detail if desired so.” Sirius countered, matching Remus’ energy.

“No thank you!” Lily called out in a sing-song voice, eyes meeting James’ who pulled a face that had her smirking.

“No go on, tell us all about your hobby, Pads.” Remus pried, toeing Sirius’ foot beneath their table with a smile of challenge on his face.

“The ladies present probably wouldn’t appreciate it.” Sirius began, turning to slap James’ knee unexpectedly. “Would you, James?”

James rolled his eyes at the insinuation in his friend’s playful tone.

“I am all for discussing tits.” He decided to respond.

“Who’s discussing tits?” Peter’s interest piqued suddenly with a risen brow; quill abandoned as he zoned into the conversation.

“Sirius was about to enlighten us on his most favourite topic.” Remus continued, grin growing until his crooked teeth were revealed and James enjoyed the look of total delight on his friend’s face. It was far too rare a look on Remus.

“Yours are looking particularly succulent today, in fairness.” James mocked, with theatrical kissy lips as he leaned over to squeeze at his Sirius’s flat chest. He was trying to find a nipple, but Sirius bat him away swiftly before he could get a hard enough grasp to fully twist at it.

“Lily, why do we hang around with these lot?”

“Because we’re the most eligible bachelors in Hogwarts that you’re both desperate to get married off too one day.” Sirius said with a wink.

“I think I will violently pass, thanks!” Marlene exclaimed. “I’d rather take my pick of the wizards in Azkaban!”

“But before making any hasty decisions you’ve got to be aware Marls, that our Petey isn’t an option up for choosing. Last I heard he was too busy slamming Ravenclaw puss-”

“I’m leaving!” Marlene said, aghast. She rose from the floor to a chorus of the lad’s laughter even Lily was trying to shake off her own grin of amusement at Sirius’ crudeness. James’ sides were aching as he turned to look at Peter who was poised to kick off.

“Guys!” A voice silenced them immediately as Mary ran through the portrait entrance. The group registered the sincerity in her fearful gaze, and they quickly abandoned what they were doing. She was holding The Daily Prophet in her hands and James wasn’t the only one to notice.

“There’s been another attack.” She said voice mournful, and James’ heart dropped several inches in his chest. She approached them, laying out the paper on the coffee table.

The group exchanged glances before gathering round to read the paper’s words.

“Bloody hell, a family with twin babies!” Marlene said, voice quaking and Remus wrapped an arm around her as they stared at the photograph of the victims.

The two parents were smiling, lifting their babies’ little arms in a waving gesture as innocent little faces smiled toothless grins. A picture-perfect family with so much time left in their lives before it had been cruelly snatched away from them.

“Is there no one those evil bastards won’t target?” Marlene uttered and James lifted his gaze to Sirius who was staring at the page. His ocean eyes were glossy, and he imagined his vision blurring as he stared like the newspaper was about to disappear.

It was ugly and jarring how Sirius could go from light-hearted to haunted in less than five minutes. James felt sickened to his core, and he could already see the thoughts playing out behind his friend’s dead stare.

“There’s rumours that Dumbledore is going to the Ministry tonight to meet with the council of defense.” Mary said quietly, sheepishly looking around at all of them.

Her eyes fixated on Sirius too.

“Do they think Hogwarts is in danger?” Lily’s voice broke slightly, and Marlene reached out to grab her hand, shaking her head reassuringly.

“Surely not!”

“Knowing Dumbledore, he’s nipping that in the bud before it can even be entertained. Hogwarts is safe.” Remus stepped forward. “We’re safe.” He said, voice firm and final as he addressed the group.

 But he was looking at Sirius who was still staring at the family picture on the Prophet’s spread.

“I wonder who’s behind it.” Mary mused and Sirius turned on the spot then, leaving the room and taking the dorm steps two at a time until he disappeared up the spiral staircase with a slam of the door. It took Remus, James and Peter less than 10 seconds to find one another’s eye before following. The girls didn’t ask, didn’t speak but they did exchange knowing looks and James led the way as the boys retreated to their room.

They found Sirius pacing in front of his bed.

“Islington. It said the attack was in Islington.” Sirius said quietly, face red with anger and James looked to Remus who was staring crestfallen at their friend. Peter was stood at the door of the dorm, eyes on the floor and presence almost unnoticeable.

“You can’t jump to conclusions, mate. I know it’s hard-“

“Who else would it be? Round the corner from my fucking house.” His voice cracked, weakened and a tear fell from his eye. James stood rooted to the spot, the usual unwelcomed helplessness flooding him from the inside as he felt his heart break for his best friend. His body felt frozen, nausea brewing in his stomach and the burn of bile made his throat feel too tight to speak.

He was too focused on his breathing, his heart fluttering uncomfortably. It felt like that day in the summer all over again, when Sirius had turned up with an angry red mark on his cheek and James’ father had all but told him there was nothing he could do.

Remus moved forward quickly in two long strides, wrapping his arms easily around Sirius. One of his slender hand’s held tight at the lapel of Sirius’ shirt, the other threading through the tresses of curling hair at the back of his head. Cradling him close and whispering to him.

Sirius was clutching back at Remus in response, knuckles white as he held tightly at the tall frame of his friend. His ocean eyes were boring into James’ who edged nearer to him, hand gentle and unmoving on Sirius’ shoulder, a presence all the same despite Remus as a strong and sturdy wall between them.

“We will keep track of all the reports, see if there are any patterns in the attacks.” James said determined and Sirius nodded jerkily in response.

“You can’t torture yourself, Pads. I won’t let you.” Remus’ whisper sent a shiver down James’ spine and Sirius closed his eyes pressing his face into Moony’s neck who turned back to James then.

He nodded, a curt and formal thing that said, ‘I’ll take it from here’ and James felt totally and completely kicked to the side.

He hoped he was able to mask his hurt, because this wasn’t about him but as he took a step back, throwing a glance at Peter who was staring at the floor by the door, James’s heart fluttered uncomfortably.

It fluttered until he could feel it lodged uncomfortably in his throat.

James looked back at his friends, Remus had guided Sirius to his favored window spot where James had sat not too long ago, reading a note from Regulus with a smile on his face.

Sirius sat down, Remus tucking fallen hair strands behind his ears and resting a scarred hand to his chest. A gesture of grounding that must have been familiar because Sirius instantly began to attempt to steady his tearful breaths.

Familiar.

James nodded in understanding of his presence not being needed or wanted, turning on the spot and shouldering past Peter. He made his was down from the common room, ignoring the calls from the girls who were asking about Sirius.

He bit back the scornful voice that wanted to shout ‘ask Moony’ because that wasn’t helpful.

James couldn’t imagine the horror Sirius was going through because of that wretched family of his. It was fucking obvious that the Black family knew what was happening, even if they weren’t partaking, they must have had some sort of clue!

But that wasn’t helpful to think.

James just wasn’t fucking helpful, apparently.

He’d been cast aside, with Remus as the favoured party. And with hurt fueling his strides, he allowed his feet to take him onward, he didn’t know where he was going as he meandered down familiar corridors, ignoring enquiries from school mates asking him what was wrong.

All he could think about was how his best friend turned to Remus instead when he needed someone. Was Sirius even still James’s best friend? Or had he moved on whilst James was too wrapped up in the wrong member of the Black family?

Bloody Remus, who was always quick to roll his eyes at Sirius’ jokes, even the funny ones! The one who would chastise Sirius like he was a child instead of taking his side!

Sirius had sort him out for comfort when he needed it most.

Not James.

Before James could fathom it, he was in the library stalking down the aisles. His mind raced to that one dark corner by the runes scrolls. He thought of the soft glow of candlelight, the flurry of something warm building in his chest behind quick wit and a slanted half smile.

He thought of comfort. 

James found himself pausing. He looked up, breaking from his reverie of self-pity and saw Regulus Black sat on the chair he so often frequented.

Of course, he would be there, why wouldn’t he be? It was his spot after all, another place where James wasn’t invited.

Wasn’t welcome.

So why was it that James felt a twang of relief that he was there? That the seat wasn’t empty because the disappointment of that would be somehow worse.

It was dangerous to seek Regulus’ presence like he was a distant friend, dangerous because he was nothing of the sort.

They locked eyes for a moment and James felt sick as Regulus acknowledged him with a tight smile despite the surprise in his rounded eyes. James wasn’t quick enough to realize that he was stood before Regulus crying frustrated tears. He wasn’t quick enough to hide it from him with his chest rising and falling in unflattering increments. He was angry and confused and just staring at Regulus who registered the red rims of his eyes, and the tense stance of his balled-up fists.

There was a silence, moments in time that seemed to move in slow motion as Regulus sat back in his seat, assessing James with a knitted brow, his usual silent question etched into his features. He breathed out a gentle breath, rising from his seat as though to approach James but what good would that do?

His movements were stilted, as though he didn’t quite know how to use his legs, but he was blinking at James and his mouth was opening like anything he could possibly say would make James feel better.

How dare he! It was his bloody fault that all this was happening in the first place!

James turned on the spot storming out and in search yet again for a place where he would be welcome because he certainly wouldn’t find that with Regulus, who was so full of evil and wrongdoing just like his wretched family and James felt bile edging up his throat at the fact that his instinct had led him to that treacherous gaze.

James frowned, heading out of the school towards the Quidditch pitch feeling entirely alone and entirely confused of how that came to be.

*

James didn’t have dinner that night, instead he chose to go straight to bed to give his friends the space they needed because there was nothing, he could offer Sirius that he wasn’t already getting. He didn’t know what to say, what was happening in the real world was too big for him to fathom. He didn’t know what it felt like to have an awful family, he didn’t know what it was like to be scared every day that they were the cause of something terrifying and unexplainable.

He tried not to think about the fact that he was being selfish, he was perfectly entitled to his feelings. If Sirius needed Remus right now, he was gifting them that much at least.

So, they couldn’t begrudge him of wanting his own space too. Afterall, what was going on in the world affected his family just as much as anyone else’s. He was worried about his parents, wondering if they were safe. If they knew the ins and outs, if he should warn them somehow?

James lay in the silence of his bed, the curtain closed clumsily and blocking out the lantern light of his dorm room. He held his wand lazily, the soft white light projecting into the closed in space as he followed the flight path of Regulus’ butterfly overhead.

He shifted on the mattress, hand stroking lazily over his stomach as he zoned out. The room was silent aside from the snores from Peter’s bed and the heavy breaths from Remus’.

They were sound asleep.

His muscles felt relaxed for the first time that day, tension easing out of him the longer he allowed himself to succumb to the comfort of his bed and James thought for a minute or two before his fingers started drifting to the waistband of his pajama trousers.

It was rare indeed to be gifted with the opportune moment to have a wank in a room shared with his good friends and when the time was presented to him, he was merely a weak-willed adolescent and was in no position to ignore the urge.

Plus, his body had been so tightly wound with stress lately that the need to release would be welcomed for sure. He was fed up with making excuses for himself, he owed himself nothing.

He pushed inside his underwear before he could overthink it, taking hold of himself languidly and giving one or two teasing tugs. Familiar and welcoming heat instantly pooled in his stomach as he felt himself harden, and he stretched out his legs at the feeling.

He set himself into an easy rhythm, knowing his body too well to make it last but it didn’t need to be drawn out and slow he just craved release.

He kept his eyes trained on the butterfly’s path as it drifted overhead. He ran his hand over his length, his mind felt blissfully empty as he continued to work over himself.

He watched as the butterfly fluttered in figures of eights, dipping, and flanking like the flight path of a broom rider. James instantly thought of the wind pushing back elegant black Quidditch robes, stylish swoops left and right atop a slick model broom in the late afternoon sunshine.

He bit his lip, speeding up the pace of his hand and squeezing his eyes shut as the familiar feeling of arousal flooded every corner of his body. It didn’t take long until he was swallowing down shallow breaths, a slick sound accompanying the pumping of his hand, and he opened his eyes to see the butterfly fluttering around. It was flapping, its green wings beating almost in tandem with his hand and with a roll of his hips he was releasing into his underwear.

He shuddered as he slowed his breathing back down, reaching for his wand and scourfying himself clean.

He lay back, enjoying the post-coital glow of emptiness and the butterfly’s movement overhead seemed to echo his languid state. The butterfly was in fact, much lazier and James frowned as it began to drift downwards, further, and further towards him as though the charm was somehow wearing off.

He sat up as it floated down, resting its paper legs on his hand before transforming into a piece of parchment once more and James’ eyebrows shot into his hairline as brand-new words sprung to life on the page.

“I noticed you seemed upset in the library earlier. I’m assuming you did something stupid as you so often do. I hope this message finds you well, I wish I was there to see the look on your face when this charm inevitably works.

Alas, I’m in the dungeons.

Thankfully the farthest away from you I could possibly be.

Feel better, Potter.

Somehow yet again, R.A.B.”

And then the butterfly contorted back into its shape, floating back up to the canopy and leaving James smiling like an absolute idiot.

He smiled, with his bones sated from orgasm and Regulus’ words fluttering over his bed and through his mind like a charm of their own.

Sunday 24th October 1976

The next few days felt like a minefield of navigation between the Marauders. James awoke slipping out of the dorm after an early shower before the others had even stirred from slumber. He decided to head for a stroll around the castle grounds, unsure how to approach Sirius and Remus after days of avoiding them.

It was a pleasant enough morning, dew still clinging to the longer blades of grass as he made his way down the path towards the keykeeper’s hut. It was a quiet day, and James felt a calmness wash over him as he rounded the corner of the castle.

He stopped in his tracks, feeling rather like the world was very much against him as he saw a familiar figure sitting atop the iron fencing that lined the outside stairwell towards the school’s underbelly. Regulus looked particularly shifty; shoulders hunched in that denim jacket of his.

He had shadows beneath his eyes, like sleeping had abandoned him. There was a sallow finish to his complexion and James didn’t really think twice about approaching, trainers crunching over the gravel underfoot.

“What are you doing here?” Regulus startled at his arrival, jumping off the railing and narrowing an accusatory gaze at James who huffed out a laugh, holding up his hands in mock surrender.

“I’m having a stroll, was a law passed making it illegal whilst I slept?” He countered.

Regulus was staring at him, brow furrowed and hands behind his back, which appeared to be emitting smoke…

“Reggie are you…” James began taking a step forward and inhaling. Regulus looked positively aghast, a protest about to fall from his lips as James pointed at him, grin stretching into something most likely described as shit-eating.

“Are you smoking? You naughty boy!” He couldn’t help but laugh. Regulus spluttered out a response, lacking all his usual eloquence and the flustered flush of his cheeks had James biting the inside of his own to refrain from voicing how he looked healthier already.

“Don’t shit yourself. I can’t exactly say anything.” He said eventually putting Regulus out of his misery by pulling his own fags from his back pocket and sparking one up. Regulus’ mouth closed, hand coming from behind his back as he echoed James movement with his own cigarette.

They stood for a moment in silence leaning against the iron railing and followed the wisps of smoke as they rose and drifted away towards the lake.

“Your charm the other day was-“ James chuckled, inhaling his fag before side-eyeing Regulus to see if he was listening. He had squared shoulders, looking like James was going to go running to McGonagall at any moment to inform her of his contraband. As tempting as that was, James chose instead to finish his sentence. “It was impressive.”

Silence was peppered with faint bird song, with whispering branches but it wasn’t enough, so James waited patiently.

“Merlin, you managed to get a compliment out without choking on it.” Regulus’ voice was quiet. James ducked his head at the sight of that lopsided grin and how fleeting it was. “Perhaps now you’ll up your game for a change.”

“Shut up, even you were a fan of the spider one.” James chuckled, and Regulus hummed out a small, amused sound that would haunt James long into the next few days he was sure.

“I was. Barty not so much.”

“Ha! As if he’s scared of spiders, the pussy.” James cackled, inhaling his cigarette once more and enjoying how it filled him up from the inside.

“If you tell anyone, I’ll deny that I ever said a thing.” Regulus looked at him and James found that it was best for him to look away. They weren’t in the safety of the darkened library corner, they were stood in the easy beginnings of morning, vulnerable in all the ways light could make a person. 

“You seem better today.” Regulus added as though he was speaking out of turn.

Perhaps he was, it wasn’t any business of his why he had last seen James with balled up fists and an uneasy shudder to his heaving breaths.

 And yet, James had searched him out all the same.

“I am.” He said, hoping his voice wasn’t clogged with the shame he felt. His shoulders felt weighed down, the desperation to apologize falling short whenever he encountered Remus or Sirius’ expectant gaze in the common room. The pride building the wall for him whenever Peter told him he was being an idiot, whenever Lily agreed.

“If I’m honest, I’m beginning to think I was a bit of a baby about things, actually. Feel a bit stupid about it now.” The words were easy as James ringed his fingers together. It really was foolish, thinking back to his attitude and how he’d turned his back on Sirius’ needs just because he couldn’t handle not being first pick.

“Well at least you’re self-aware.” Regulus began, blowing out smoke elegantly as he shrugged. “I’m sure whatever happened, isn’t as big of a deal as it is in your head.”

“You’d be surprised.” James didn’t want to look at him, wondered if his thoughts about Regulus’ place in the world would be echoed in his gaze. He wondered if Regulus would expect that or if he’d be disappointed that James was just like everyone else.

“Well, if I were you and I’m glad I’m not.” He added, James genuinely enjoying the smile that came so easily when glimpses of humanity shone through that perpetually stoic demeanor. “I would talk it through with my brother.”

James nearly choked on the last of his cigarette, the butt falling from his hands as he threw an inquisitive glance at Regulus.

“How did you-“

“There’s only one person in this castle you care enough about to get that upset over.” He huffed out a laugh and James watched the twitch of that mouth. It vanished before it could become familiar.

“You are smart, aren’t you?”

“I have my moments.” Regulus launched his cigarette butt out ahead, shoving his hands in his jacket pockets and pushing himself away from the railing. James resisted the urge to echo the movement.

“Speak to him, Potter. He’s probably reeling about it too, knowing him. Plus, he’s more stubborn than pretty much anyone, so he’s most definitely waiting for you to go to him first.”

“Good point. Thank you, for translating Sirius-ish for me!” James offered his hand, a surrender dressed as a mundane gesture. Regulus looked at it wearily, like he had a buzzer attached to his palm, like it was loaded.

When Regulus took his hand it last for a moment, a second in time and James couldn’t even dissect how those spidery fingers felt before they were hidden within pockets once more. It felt more than just a thank you, it felt like the rebuilding of a burnt bridge, the smoldering remains being put to use once more.

“Its fine, just… just feel better.” He said like it was a command and then he was leaving James in the shadows of the castle, the early morning sun rising on the other side of Hogwarts, leaving him in the cold.

*

Regulus’ words had motivated him, gave merit to the fact he was being absurd. He took the stairs two at a time, trying to formulate some kind of apology in his head as he went. The common room was free of his friends, just the odd second year milling about, as the castle woke up and when James entered the dorm room, he was met with the surprised reflection of Sirius stood in front of the mirror.

He was fixing his hair and he caught James’s gaze with wide eyes.  His movements slowed for a moment, lips in a tight line.

A Black family trait.

“Hey.” He said quietly as he turned. The air felt thick with tension, James’ eyes flitting to the closed bathroom door. It was open, so at least they were alone.

“You alright?” Shit start, but Sirius was nodding slowly. Expectantly.

“Fine. Better now.” There was something unmovable in Sirius eyes, something that looked like he was in pain and James felt instantly like the biggest dickhead in the world. He sighed, gesturing to the end of his bed.

“Sit down, please?” He guided Sirius there until they were sat shoulder to shoulder, eyes flitting around the room. Waiting. James knew Sirius was waiting for him to speak, to break the ice that locked around them and had them frozen to the spot.

“You’re right. Everything that’s going on its really suspicious and I just want you to know that I’m gonna be with you every step of the way. Doing whatever it takes.” He began, shrugging awkwardly as he felt his friend twisted towards him, expression earnest. “I just-“

How could he phrase it? How could it say how he felt without sounding like the world’s most self-obsessed arsehole? Would Sirius even understand, would he want to give him the time of day? The clock was ticking like a traitor on his bedside table, reminding him that he wasn’t speaking, that Sirius was waiting.

Stubborn, Regulus had said.

“I just feel like you don’t need me anymore.” James said quietly, embarrassed for voicing his childish worries, so self-absorbed all the while Sirius was sat there with unworthy blood running through his veins and a family name that didn’t deserve the boy it was attached to.

He ignored the flutter in the back of his mind that was reminiscent of butterfly wings that harbored problematic connotations to his bed.

“James.” Sirius sat forward, placing a hand on his knee and James recoiled. He was in disbelief that his best friend had an apology thick on his tongue, eyes round and glossy with concern.

“Sirius, I’m an idiot. This is so much bigger than whatever I’m feeling, and I saw you with Remus and I just-” He finally met Sirius’ gaze and it was a mistake because it was almost pleading, blinking doe eyed innocence that made James feel impossibly more guilty in more ways than one.

“You’re my best friend, James. What you’re feeling is important to me, no matter what else is happening in my life.” He threw a dismissive hand like that was supposed to make James feel better somehow. “Without you, I don’t have a family.”

Sirius dragged him into him then, wrapping his arms around him and James clung to him, breathing in the scent that was as good as his own. Sirius still smelt intrinsically Sirius; cedar tones accompanied by something homely.

I don’t have family.

It stung James like a stray nettle in a bouquet of flowers. Sirius was still so prevalent on Reg’s mind, just earlier that morning he had spoken of his brother with a far-off look in his eye that looked like longing.

But it wasn’t James’ place. James’ place was with Sirius, so he allowed the embrace to ground him, and James felt himself chuckle before he felt the spark of happiness when Sirius returned it into his neck.

They pat one another’s backs separating and Sirius looked like he had something to say, he was perched on the edge of the bed, eyes flitting around the room and James decided it was his turn to be patient.

“I don’t like arguing with you James, it really fucking sucks.” Sirius said with a huff of breath and James nodded in agreement, dropping a hand down on his friend’s shoulder.

It finally sagged, showing his relief the way, it had done when Remus touched him.

“How are you feeling now?” He voiced, rubbing into the tension there and Sirius sighed.

“Like I said, better now. Remus is- well, Remus is Remus.” He said, a gentle smile on his face as he shrugged like that somehow explained it and maybe it did. “How are you?”

“I’m fine, better now.” James said, trying to ignore the voice in his head that teased him with the idea that he could just tell Sirius now, that it would be an opportune moment.

“Fancy going to sabotage Petey’s date?” Sirius asked, eyes twinkling with mischief and then moment was gone. Sirius’ hand was already reaching for the invisibility cloak and James felt excitement echo through his bones.

Another time for the truth. Now was about him and Sirius.

“Of course! Where is he?”

“He’s taken her to Hogsmeade!” They rose from the bed at the same time and James was just thankful to have the shine in his friend’s familiar gaze once more. “Honey-dukes?” Sirius asked, the pair in agreement and instantly gathering their things. James blindly reached for his scarf, hearing the telltale scrape of a shoe box being shoved out the way under his bed.

*

In the common room Remus was curled up on the armchair with a history of magic textbook open on his knees. He had one of the checkered blankets wrapped around his shoulders, James already didn’t want to meet his eye, but the choice was taken from him as Remus openly stared when they entered the room.

“Moony, we’re going to gate-crash Peter’s date, you in?” James declared with a spring in his step, tossing the cloak between both his hands as Remus fixed him with an unimpressed glower.

That stinging nettle was back, niggling under his skin.

“No.” Remus said slowly, his eyes on Sirius couldn’t have been more obvious. James could practically feel Sirius waving his arms theatrically behind him, coaxing Remus into his decision. “No, I will stay here today.”

“Excellent, amazing idea!” Sirius called out, all but confirming James’ suspicion.

“Look, you don’t have to stay here because you’re worried, I’ll throw a tantrum if you come along.”

“Although that is always a possibility with you.” Remus said, returning his attention back to his book with a stubbornness to his tone that was annoyingly justified.

“I’m sorry, Moony. I was just being an idiot.” James began, launching himself onto the arm of the chair Remus was sat in. His friend jostled at the impact, but remained staring at his book all the same, that annoying ‘holier than thou’ expression on his scarred face. “You know what I’m like.”

“Yes, I do.” He said curtly and James rolled his eyes, placing his hands on top of his friend’s and gathering his attention. Remus’ eyes always looked tinged in sadness, lined with memories too traumatic for most people to see in a lifetime and there he was, a young boy with a future ahead of him that looked much the same.

“I really am sorry, Remus. Please come along and we can just put it behind us, yeah?” James said and felt the tension in his shoulders sap away as Remus squeezed their fingers together. Relief, truly was a beautiful thing indeed.

“I know, and I meant it. I’ll stay here today.” His smile was soft, but it was genuine and James couldn’t have been more thankful. “Besides, at least this way when Peter is screaming at the pair of you later, I really will be able to stay out of it!” He had a twinkle to his grin and James found himself laughing as Sirius did.

*

James and Sirius made their way down the secret tunnel to Hogsmeade, discussing Peter and his girlfriend and spending the majority of the time predicting potential outcomes to whatever it was they would do once they were there.

It wasn’t unlike them to not have a plan, but James just enjoyed having Sirius at his side, shoulders bumping as they walked whilst sharing a bag of Licorice wands.

It felt normal, like the ache of loneliness was lifting from him with every step and James could just enjoy being in Sirius’ company. It was so easy to be in Sirius’ company, to hear his jokes, listen to his anecdotes, ponder his musings and James really did feel everything else melt away.

It was always awkward ensuring they were both covered with the cloak as they meandered through the boxes and creates in the Honey Duke’s cellar, taking extra care not to knock anything over and draw attention to their presence. It was somehow even harder once on the shop floor, trying not to giggle as they passed classmates and townsfolk, all none the wiser to the pair as they finally approached the front door.

Hogsmeade was quiet, quieter than usual, and James supposed the stories in the papers were having more of an effect than he truly considered. The pair walked with ease down the street, after many years of mischief, the act of maneuvering beneath the cloak had become a fine art and just as they rounded the corner passed the Quidditch shop on the hunt for Peter, Sirius tugged James’ jacket for his attention.

“Oh God, is that my ghastly little brother on a double date?” Sirius whispered; chin hooked over James’ shoulder as they observed the scene in front of them. James watched carefully as Bertha and her friend Thea sat pressed together on one end of the bench in the middle of the cobbled street. They were giggling conspiratorially, that blonde buffoon Carnelian Fawley chatting along with them and beside him was Regulus.

Once again, he seemed on the outside of things, almost as though everything just… bored him.

What an uppity little Princess! It shouldn’t have surprised James that he thought he was better than it all. He was lounging on the bench, slender hands hidden in the pockets of his jacket, blue eyes tracking over the odd person as they passed them by.

“Shall we toy with them?” Sirius’ wicked grin was notable as they stood near cheek to cheek, but James just couldn’t take his eyes off the casual manner of Regulus. He was just so content to sit, shoulders slack, dark denim jacket falling open over his plain shirt as he stretched his legs out, letting the conversation of his friends wash over him.

He was effortless and it somehow seemed a pity to ruin it.

“No, they’re not causing any harm.” Before Sirius could protest, Regulus looked up from his thoughts.

Glacial eyes pinned them in place and James gasped at the sight.

They were stood less than a metre apart, and James indulged in the moment gifted to him as Regulus stared like he could see them. The overcast sky reflected in those blue eyes of his, turning them gun-metal grey and James couldn’t look away like a man pressed against the wall before a firing squad.

He knew there was danger in staring down that gun barrel, but he had nothing left to lose and he indulged in the moment and let his eyes trace the features of the boy who had grown so familiar over the months. James couldn’t remember the last time he allowed himself to stare so openly at Regulus, with no reason in mind.

He almost mourned the fact that Regulus couldn’t see him too.

He thought back to that very morning, when he had looked away from that face, and how it felt like the wrong thing to do somehow, a grave misstep in the waltz he was only just beginning to learn.

James felt Sirius shift uncomfortably beside him as Regulus’ eyes narrowed slightly.

How very odd, indeed.

“Can he see us?” Sirius whispered, breath rolling hotly down James’ neck in a huff of panic.

“I hope not with you halfway up my arse!” He hissed back and watched as Regulus just blinked, long curling lashes framing his inquisitive gaze.

Sirius was growing impatient, clearly worried that Regulus was onto them. But of course, he was unable to – the invisibility cloak, well the clue was in the name, really. But it was so very curious how Regulus sat like he had mastered the art of seeing through the veil anyhow. But just as quickly as he had looked at them, he looked away, Fawley blessing them with a nudge to his friend.

James and Sirius released the breath they had been holding.

“Everything alright, mate?” Carnelian asked, arms folded over his chest and concern alight in his brown eyes. Regulus gave him a tight smile, running his hand through his loose curls and twisting to face his friends.

“Was just thinking.”

“What about, Reggie?” Bertha asked, tucking her dark hair behind her ears as she blinked at him coyly. James rolled his eyes, hating how the nickname sounded on her lips as Regulus gave a cool shrug. There was a blush sitting high and pretty on her face and James couldn’t stop the disgust as it curled like a bristled cat in the pit of his stomach.

Slytherins should never mate, what a horrific thought indeed.

“Just about how I could murder a licorice wand.” He said with a smile at his friends – their conversation now concerning popping down to Honey-dukes before heading back to the castle.

“Shit, James. Let’s go.” Sirius said, and James just nodded, turning away at Sirius’ request. The pair heading back to the secret passage in the sweet shop before the Slytherin’s could follow, a half-eaten licorice wand still in James’ hand.

*

That evening as they were sat in the common room, in the pretense of studying James felt a weight lift off him. Mary was sat beside him, head resting on his shoulder as she engaged in conversation with Sirius and Remus across the coffee table. The fire was crackling beside them, casting them in a soft orange glow that fought off the evening frost that bit against the window that stretched high over them.

He thought of Regulus, the way he tended to sit with his friends, how he didn’t appear to make jokes or have fun. The way he didn’t seem to care for any of it, dismissing it so easily. But James couldn’t imagine feeling anything less than what he felt when he looked at his own friends and that growing curiosity toward Regulus twisted into something akin to plain sadness.

“Just popping out to grab a snack from the kitchen, anyone want anything?” James asked, placing a kiss against the top of Mary’s head as he stood up with a stretch.

“Ooh see if there are any fruit baskets left!” Marlene asked from Peter’s side who still looked as though Aurelia was fit to burst through the portrait any minute and see him fraternizing with girls.

“Pumpkin pasty please, sugarplum!” Sirius winked, lounging lazily in his seat, basking in the firelight like the overgrown cat he was.

James nodded, swooping up the writing set on the table on his way out. Nobody noticed and he was glad for that small mercy at least.

The hallways were quiet, just the sound of the old castle groaning with age as James made his was down the dimly lit path towards the kitchens.

His thoughts kept circling back to Regulus, thinking of him on his way to class, doing mundane things like pulling on that denim jacket and checking his curls in the mirror before leaving. He thought of him sat by himself, thought of him reading, writing his letters and it was becoming increasingly obvious that Regulus was setting up permanent residence in his mind.

James paused, leaning against the cool stone wall and drafting a note.

“Gryffindor Practice has been cancelled Monday after school. In case you wanted to squeeze in some more practice time. You very much need it, so if I were you, I’d bloody jump at the chance! You could even a slip a cheeky cigarette in, you little rebel!

          Helpfully, James.”

He signed off the note and for sentimentalities sake, made his way to the owlery.

Monday 25^th October

The quidditch pitch felt strange from the watchers stands. James never did like it too much, whenever he would watch some of the matches when Gryffindor weren’t playing. It felt alien, like a place he didn’t belong, as though he was a shadow on the outside of it all. There was an air of calm though as James sat on the bleachers, feet up and hands in his pockets. He saw as Regulus walked out onto the sandy pitch, tightening his leather gloves, hands flexing against the slick black wood of his broom.

He knew he would jump at the chance to practice and there was something akin to satisfaction at reading him so well. Because James would be the same, would read the note and be thankful for the extra riding time. There was another flutter beside the feeling of satisfaction, at the thought of Regulus reading the note but choosing not to reply.

The Slytherin pushed the dark curls of his hair back and that’s when he clocked the viewer in the stands. James didn’t say anything, simply settled deeper into his coat, Gryffindor scarf wrapped comfortably around his neck.

There was silence, stretching between them and a look in Regulus’ eyes that James wanted to bottle up and savor. A glimmer of confusion, a sprinkle of exasperation and ultimately, defeat as he mounted his broom and began to fly low laps. The cool wind was billowing in his kit, the deep emerald material elegantly flowing behind his figure as he practiced. The overall one-upmanship he usually felt around Regulus thawed away leaving nothing in its wake but genuine fascination. James was fascinated by the littlest nuances of the kid’s flying habits. Regulus was deep in concentration, face calm and shoulders loose as he banked and turned.

He tended to let a foot slide off the hooks whenever he took a turn, almost as though letting the wind glide him and James wondered why he hadn’t noticed it before. Something so intrinsically Regulus, who looked at home on a broom, rather the way James felt. The older boy felt the familiar twinge of longing in his hands at the idea of mounting his own broom that was locked away in his dorm.

He imagined what Regulus would do if James were to fly alongside him one day, the whole pitch to themselves. Would Regulus keep to his own side, focused on his own learnings or would he fly alongside James throwing unhelpful comments in an attempt to distract him. James would laugh all the same.

Maybe even Regulus would.

The Seeker flew with an unrivaled elegance and even beneath the weight of an unnecessary voyeur, he flew like he had nothing to prove, and James felt rather saddened as the younger boy began to slow after a while. Gaze finally finding James’ who released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

Regulus hovered over towards him, leaning back on his broom and sighing. James simply laughed, hands up in the air as he enjoyed the utter dismay from his companion. His usual exasperation and its trusty friend, defeat.

“I thought you said your practice was cancelled.” He said, voice tight as he made to take off his gloves. His dark curls were damp with sweat at the side of his face and when he looked back up at James there were beads gathering on his forehead.

“It was. Captain’s orders, of course.” James replied with a wink, gesturing to himself as Regulus frowned. A few moments of nothing passed – James just eyeing Regulus who bit his lip in thought. The gesture had the Slytherin’s mask slipping and suddenly James was confronted by a young boy, uncertainty consuming him like the adolescent he really was beneath the Black family bravado.

“What are you doing, Potter?” An out of place timid voice had James sitting forward and Regulus’ head shook.

“Came to watch the opponent, its typical in the sporting world. So, don’t flatter yourself, Reggie.” He offered and wondered why that wasn’t clear in his intentions? He wasn’t sure why it tasted bitter like a lie rolling around on his tongue. 

“Why did you cancel your practice? We play our first match in just over a week.” His words were cutting, abrupt and unwelcome to James somehow who immediately felt himself bristle with the ugly cousin of embarrassment clawing at his cheeks. Not embarrassment itself, he’d never let the little git make him feel anything close to that.

“My team have worked really hard the past few weeks; they deserve a break.”

“I don’t get you, James.” His voice was hesitant, free from its usual defensive edge and James nearly gasped at the way it made his name sound. It sent a whirlwind of guilt and affection brewing behind his ribs like a hurricane and James thought it was harder to breathe for a moment, pinned beneath an icy gaze and even icier shadow.

“There’s nothing to get.”

“First there were the owls, charms, random meetings, whatever. And I thought that was just an attempt to wind me up. Totally worked by the way, but what is this?”

“I can leave, Reg. It’s not a problem.” James stood up, and it should have been a warning that his feet were planted to the ground, the wooden bleachers feeling oddly unstable as the wind whistled through the draped material of the watcher stands around them.

“That’s probably for the best.” Regulus spoke with a quiet voice and eyes not quite meeting James’.

“Is that what you want though?” James asked, not sure why he posed it as a question. Not sure why he wanted to even ask it! But the answer was somewhat important to him.

He stood, watching as Regulus’ eyes widened as though he’d never expected it, brow furrowing before his lips opened and closed a tempest of attempted sentences starting and dying all at once in his throat.

“Why do you suddenly care what I want?” He settled on, and James couldn’t deny the swoop of disappointment that burrowed deep within like a splinter and how the answer to that question grew a forest fire in his chest as he walked away.

Sunday 31^st October

Ravenclaw Tower’s common room was decorated in orange and black bunting, floating lanterns charmed to hang just below the ceiling and James felt the alcohol seeping into his bones. He sighed a blissful sigh, one arm thrown around Lily's shoulders and the other nursing a goblet of God knows what.

It tasted foul, but it was causing the room to spin and that was kind of fucking brilliant really.

Halloween was a sacred event at Hogwarts and was always a party that the marauders awaited with bated breath! The one in fourth year still unrivalled in its brilliance! Gryffindor had hosted that year and James distinctly remembered playing beer pong with a completely mortal Frank Longbottom! That night had also ended with Sirius and James drunkenly stumbling across a secret passageway to Hogsmede on the fourth floor. They’d laughed so hard at their discovery that they ended up passing out in the darkened hallway and waking up some hours later completely freaking out!

They’d noted it on the Marauders map once their headaches had died down that afternoon.

James blinked around the common room now, Sirius was dancing, hands grasping at Moony’s who was beaming at being thrown around, all long awkward limbs and sloppy drunken missteps. Aurelia and Pete weren’t in the immediate vicinity and James quite frankly did not want to know their whereabouts.

 "Reckon this is better than our common room, then?" Lily mused head tilted back against James' arm who pouted in thought.

No, it just wasn't right. He had been to Ravenclaw Tower a few times, and it was still strange to see the royal blue, bronze and silver inflections on each surface reminding him that Hogwarts wasn't all Gryffindor red and scumbag Green.

Still, it was as nice as he remembered, and he turned to his friends glittering green eyes with a slanted drunken grin.

"Nah. We made ours a proper home ain't we?" He said gesturing towards his friends who were mingling with others. Marlene and Mary were sat with some Hufflepuffs animatedly gesturing with whatever they were laughing about. There were a mix of students all dancing along to the record player or lounging in the various seating areas around so it shouldn’t have been too much of a surprise when James caught sight of Regulus as he stepped through the portrait door.

He was smiling which was still such a foreign look on his usually stoic face. But it suited him, pearl teeth and pink lips lighting him up like a Christmas tree and James felt his head spin as he took another sip of whiskey.

James swallowed thickly watching as Regulus greeted some others in the room - fellow Slytherins of course and one or two of the Ravenclaws. He hugged two of the girls, a light gesture of affection and James immediately felt touch starved at the sight of it. Craving any form of intimacy at the sight of a manicured hand running down Regulus' slim arm. Regulus took a step back, turning to Bertha and as she spoke his eyes found James over her shoulder.

A shudder jolted down James' spine, like jumping in the lake at wintertime as Regulus stared at him. From across the room James was safe, but everything in him told him to move. To untangle himself from the warmth of Lily as Regulus looked between the two of them before his attention returned to his Ravenclaw acquaintance, handing him some spiced punch that had been made by the prefects.

James wondered what assessing conclusion the younger Black brother had come to as he sipped with an unreadable expression.

Was he annoyed to see James’ presence? Well of course he was! That was the whole point. James had constructed a long obstacle course with the sole purpose of winding the little git up the more they danced around each step. And Regulus did look annoyed, nostrils flared slightly as he swallowed thickly and kept adjusting his grasp on his goblet, fingers flexing intermittently against the intricately carved surface.

It didn’t feel like a victory though.

"As if someone had the gall to invite Regulus after everything that’s going on." Lily interrupted, hand hitting against James’s chest who cleared his throat hoping she hadn't noticed him lost in thought.

Everything that’s going on. The reminder bought his attention to the subtle whispers and glances from other students, Regulus most likely aware but choosing to focus instead on those around him.

“Looks like the slimy prat has more friends than we first thought.” He murmured, taking a long swig of the searing liquid in his own cup.

“Do you think he’s actually part of it all though? He seems too young to-“

“Let’s not bring this up tonight. Sirius could overhear.”

“Of course,” Lily said calmly, patting James’ leg who nuzzled into her in a drunken attempt at an apology at his abruptness.

He immediately drifted his attention to Sirius who was still dancing like a wild thing - he had probably noticed Regulus’ arrival, nothing slipped by him that easily so he must have simply not cared enough to ruin his own good time to acknowledge his brother’s attendance. James needed to do the same, except it felt like a magnetic pull unable to break free from.

He noted that Regulus had hopped up onto one of the side tables, legs swinging with ease as he sat on the outskirts of a conversation between his friends, finger running around the rim of his glass.

He looked normal - ordinary in all the ways he wasn’t, and James' skin felt too tight. It was captivating to see someone so striking in their mystery taking up space in an energetic room. He seemed happy though, shoulders relaxed and brow soft. He didn’t look as haunted as he did as of late, perhaps he had finally been able to sleep.

He let his eyes flit to James again who felt heavy with the alcohol in his body, he couldn’t shake the impulse to move his arm from around Lily, but she was so warm and comfortable.

Regulus averted his gaze quickly, talking again with Bertha who was bobbing to the music that Sirius had no doubt picked before their arrival.

Merlin, imagine if Regulus were to dance!

James smiled at the thought, swallowing down the affection that flared in his chest at the idea of those slender, quidditch defined muscular arms struggling to stay on beat.

He wouldn't dance like Sirius; he would care what people thought. He would blush and would attempt to stop every now and then. He’d push away from James, but he would be grinning, soft huffs of laughter escaping that pink mouth despite himself, and it would ignite energy in James.

Regulus would never stray far enough to actually mean it, they would be spinning, James attempting to have the boy duck under his arm like an old timey waltz, and Regulus would! All the while muttering about how unnecessary dancing was.

Still, his fingers would curl around James' own who would pull him closer and -

"Woah" James stood up abruptly, Lily staring up at him with wide concerned eyes and the room appeared to be slanting like a sinking ship as he struggled to bring himself from his drunken thoughts. Regulus was looking at him from his peripheries, back straighter and brow seemingly knitted at James’ abrupt movement.

Fuck.

James couldn't be sure that Regulus was looking at him. There was far too much going on in the room which felt too small and too large all at once. The laughter sounded too loud and the music too drowning.

"I need air" he mumbled, shoving his goblet on the nearest surface, and making for the portrait door. Lily's voice called after him, but he could hardly register it over the pounding of his heart in his ears.

He had to pass Regulus on his way out and as he got closer, he found that he was definitely staring at him, that glacial gaze freezing him from the inside and threatening to melt the warmth of his bones.

James made it passed, ignoring a sneer from Bertha as he pushed open the portrait door, and left down the stairs, trying to ignore the turning of the corridor and the churning of his alcohol-soaked stomach.

He finally reached the bottom of the tower coming out into the large hallway, the torch light casting the aging stone walls in an orange glow, and he really felt dizzy.

He stumbled against a wall, the room seeming to tilt again, and he groaned, already reminding himself to never touch whiskey again. That unsettled sickly feeling was ever-present, burrowing deeper underneath his skin like a splinter at the thoughts that continued to plague his mind in striking colour.

God, once he started picturing it, he couldn’t get it out of his mind, the image of Regulus and his smile. Gentle and unassuming in his manner despite the bullshit that shrouded him.

Despite the fact he was an utter bastard by Sirius' account.

The fact that he was Sirius’ little brother.

James sat on the floor with a long sigh, head hanging and elbows on his knees as he tried to gather sobriety, however far away that grasp felt.

He had allowed Regulus to take up too much of his headspace and that was probably why he was thinking of him more often than not. His joke was spiralling so far out of control and so was his head? Could heads slide off shoulders completely? He groaned at the thought, fingers threading through his unruly hair at the thought.

"Aquamenti" He heard an all too familiar voice say, and James blinked his dazed eyes to look up at the face blocking out the lantern light above him.

There was something quite hilarious in the fact that the golden light seemed to cast Regulus’ hair into a halo, the darkened curls alight with a golden glow at the tips.

James snorted and that's when he realised Regulus was holding a goblet in his hand. He had hands like a piano player, all sinew and tendons flexing beneath the pale shroud of translucent skin and James stared perhaps a beat too long because Regulus cleared his throat.

"You're even more of a mess than Sirius if it's humanly possible." Regulus spoke, still holding the goblet and James blinked slowly at him, failing to register if Regulus was actually there or if his thoughts of the boy had now taken a more serious and worrisome turn in manifestation.

He smiled ever slower as Regulus blinked down at him.

James, despite himself was still thinking those heinous thoughts of pulling that slender body closer, but it genuinely made so much sense. Regulus looked so soft and inviting in the dim hallway light.

He stared expectantly at James before heaving a martyred sigh and taking a seat in front of him.

He crossed his legs elegantly, folding underneath himself and holding the goblet closer to James. They were eye level and James could see flecks of hazel swirling towards the dark centre of the boy’s gaze. It wasn’t an important detail, but it felt important. Necessary to know and James couldn’t supress the feeling of smugness he felt at the discovery.

“It’s just water before you freak out, I’m not here to poison you although this moment would be most opportune.” Regulus mused and there was a huff of laughter behind his words. Although it was short-lived, James revelled in it like he had that morning at the lake and then he turned his attention back to the cup being held in front of him.

The liquid was clear and perhaps Regulus really was giving him water?

That was so thoughtful.

"Who you tryna impress, hmm?" James murmured with a quirked brow. He thought he may have been swaying because the room was still slanting or maybe he wasn’t wearing his glasses, but Regulus was an anchor in front of him.  A sturdy and unwavering anchor and perhaps that was as comfortable of a thought as Lily’s body had been pressed against his.

"Most certainly not you, you drunkard." Regulus countered, and James groaned aloud, dropping his head down. Closing his eyes seemed to help and also not help at all! Merlin, he was such a twat. It was Sirius’ fault really. He had been the one plying him with more punch. It wasn’t James’ fault he had no resolve!

"Don't ever mention drinking again, I'm gonna die"

"You big baby." Regulus laughed and James peered at him through his lashes, head tilting from the crook of his elbow.

"Do that again."

"Gladly. You big baby." Regulus retorted, a lazy smile on his face despite himself and it was so fresh and open, like the whiskey had loosened the tight pull of his muscles with every word he spoke. He usually carried himself with such seriousness, but he was sat in front of James with lean legs crossed and a goblet held loosely in his grasp.

All veiny hands, pearlescent skin, and fancy silver rings.

James noticed the Black family crest emblazed in one and one that had RAB engraved into the side, the side pressed into the inside of Regulus’ palm had something scratched into it too. James made out III before he was distracted yet again by the casual aura of the boy radiating his welcoming warmth.

"No, your laugh.” James confirmed, head tilted back against the wall. It was soothing somehow in his drunken haze, the cold brick chilling him and Regulus’ presence grounding him. James thought about that trip into Hogsmede, under the shroud of invisibility where he had stared at Regulus until his eyes felt dry. When he had examined each fleck of colour painting a nebula within the gaze that looked right through him.

It wasn’t looking through him as they sat in the corridor, and he felt almost drunk off Regulus’ attention.

Like a sunflower leaning to the sun.

“Merlin, you’re so-“

“Your eyes- I- they’re so-” James interrupted, leaning forward, and letting his hand finally go for the goblet in Regulus’ hand, the words slightly too out of reach for him to form something coherent. The younger boy didn’t let go of the goblet and James didn’t try and force it, he simply stared at their fingers sat beside one another.

Painfully close.

His stomach was fluttering at the suggestion of skin so near yet feeling so desperately far.

Merlin, he really was drunk.

“I don’t think, you quite know what you’re saying.” Regulus said quietly and James swallowed, letting his little finger twitch.

It brushed against the nail of Regulus thumb before coming to settle just above it, shielding it and there was a yearning from the slightest touch that had their eyes meeting as they so often did these days.

But it was yearning, a question aglow in Regulus gaze but he still wasn’t moving away, the heat from his skin burning into James in the most welcoming way.

The most interesting way.

“Thank you for the water, Reg.” He whispered, voice feather light and Regulus nodded.

“You’re very drunk, James.” His volume matched and James smirked.

“I am.” He began, letting his eyes drift to the goblet in their hands.

He dared drift his pinkie, stretching it out so it stroked once and then twice against Regulus skin. It was a tease of a Midas touch, the briefest of brushes which James was thankful for, because he was sure he was to turn to gold on the spot if he were to indulge in a deeper press of skin on skin.

Oh, but how tempting it was!

Is that how Muggle’s made art? A gentle brush of a paint stroke that layered on top of one another until a masterpiece lay in its wake.

“I’m drunk but Reggie, I-“

“Reggie?” They heard a voice from round the corner and they repelled from one another, the goblet dropping between them and spilling its contents onto the stone floor with an echoing clank. James pressed himself further against the wall, blinking up in surprise at Regulus who was somehow now on his feet looking in the direction of Bertha.

She rounded the corner offering a polite smile to her friend until she noticed the boy sat on the floor in his shadow.

“Is everything ok?” She asked, her tone edged in concern and James didn’t know why he immediately disliked her as she approached closer. She didn’t look as plain in her own clothes, her dark hair had been curled, pulled back and pinned up with two tresses that framed her face in the most flattering way.

He wondered if Regulus was thinking the same thing as he looked at her now with a dismissive shrug.

“This is my brother’s friend. He’s very drunk.” It was a mechanical response, rehearsed as he spoke, and James blinked slowly still trying to fathom the turn of events which had played out before his blurred mind.

“James Potter.” She said with a scoff and a furrowed brow, looking up at Regulus who simply inclined his head.

“He’s a fool.” His words weren’t full of venom as they usually were when he’d discuss Sirius’ friends to his mates, but it appeased her nonetheless and she laughed.

Regulus didn’t offer another look to James, who felt betrayed by that as Regulus took Bertha by the arm, guiding her back towards the party.

“But he’s leaving now.” Regulus finished and James watched the pair go, the water at his feet drying dark against the floor, his finger still tingling with heat, and his heart heavy with discomfort at Bertha’s genuine affection towards Regulus that seemed to be so easily returned.

The Midas touch had turned cold, and James sat stewing alone until sometime later Lily rounded the corner with a sigh of relief.