Chapter Text
From the desk of Lord Gamzee Makara, Grand Highblood of Alternia
To the Untalented Psychologist Rose Lalonde,
I will begin our sessions by assigning you a Miss Kanaya Maryam, who is known by the chat handle of grimAuxiliatrix [GA]. Here is your briefing.
Miss Maryam is the guardian of the Matriorb – a pod which can grow a Mother Grub, a creature which is of the utmost importance to the troll race. A Mother Grub lays eggs which are fertilized by the collective genetic material of the entire troll species-we cannot reproduce without this creature.
She is also a Jade Blood – an exotic and noble class of troll. Due to these two circumstances, she is just below the Empress and myself in terms of survival importance. If you can cure but one troll, save this one so that we may preserve both our species and the jade race.
Unsatisfactory results will result in your slow decline into incoherent madness. Do not fail me, Seer.
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] at 07:30 --
GA: Heeeeeeeey Baby
GA: *wink*
TT: Um.
TT: Hello.
GA: I Hope Yous Hella Ready For Some
GA: Sloppy
GA: Shameless
GA: Hardcore
GA: Emotional Intimacy
GA: Because Im Gonna Jam Ya Feelins So Fuckin Hard
GA: Gonna Listen The Shit Outta All Ya Problems
GA: Cmon Baby
GA: Give It To Me
TT: I believe that you may have misunderstood the purpose of this session. Traditionally, the psychologist -- the role of whom is being filled by yours truly -- will listen to the patient -- that’s you.
GA: Oh Man Ya Wanna Top
GA: Im So Down With That
GA: I Am Dee To The Oh To The
GA: Dubbuwe
GA: ?
GA: Okay Fuck That Noise
GA: Point Is Im Cool With That
GA: Mistress
TT: Is “Mistress” a formal term on Alternia?
TT: Because, if so, I am getting a very different impression from our conversation thus far.
GA: Oh Yeah Gurl Mistress Is Hella Respectful
GA: I Wouldnt Dream Of Disrespectin My Pale Pail Buddy
GA: That Is Less Ya Want Me To
GA: I Can Be Hella Naughty
TT: Okay, this is getting kind of uncomfortable.
TT: Kanaya, not only can I not reciprocate your romantic impulses, but even if I could, I simply don’t feel that way about you.
GA: Huh
GA: Aight So Ya Aint Up For Pale Shit
GA: Thats Cool Everybodys Got Their Turnoffs
GA: So What Are Ya Up For
GA: Maybe Somethin A Lil Darker Huh Hoe
TT: Excuse me?
GA: You Heard Me Hoe
GA: Fat Lil Uggo Unlovable Hoebag
GA: Ya Buy That Outfit Or Ya Just Knit Ya Lususes Shit Together
GA: Ya Like It When I Talk Like That
GA: ?
TT: No, Kanaya, I can’t say that I do. I would prefer that you stop.
TT: I am trying to help you, and I am not going to be able to do so if you insist on antagonizing me.
GA: Okay Okay
GA: Ya Wanna Help Me
GA: Thank Ya So Fuckin Much For Throwin Me A Bone There
GA: This Roleplays Goin In A Thousand Fuckin Directions
GA: Ya Keep Changin The Premise
GA: Aint Gonna Lie Yous Hella Confusin Gurl
TT: What? What roleplay?
GA: This One Uh Duh
GA: Now Lemme Start Over
GA: Ahem
GA: Oh Woe Is Me
GA: That Cat Hoe Just Gets Under My Skin So Damn Much
GA: I Dont Hate Her That Way
GA: But How Much Longer Can It Be Before We Just Start Ravishin Each Other In Fury
GA: N Then Our Stupid Shitty Quadrants Will Be Outta Whack
GA: N Our Livesll Be Forever Tainted By Our Failure To Live Up To Some Bullshit Abstract Invention Of Society
GA: Boo Hoo Hoo
TT: Okay, I am totally confused.
TT: Did you decide that therapy started just now?
TT: Are we officially doing this?
GA: Lemme Finish
GA: Where Was I
GA: Right
GA: Yes That Ugly Cat Hoe With The Shitty Ass Weave Will Most Definitely Take Advantage Of Me Soon
GA: If Only There Was Some Third Party
GA: A Person Who Was Level Headed N Impartial But Also Totally Bangin
GA: Who Could Negotiate Us All Into A Sweaty Heap Of Grudgin Tolerance
GA: When Oh When Will My Sexy Goth Princess Arrive N Rescue Me
TT: Alright. I suppose I deserve this. I mean, I’ve been assuming that Makara would tell you people what it is I do, but hey; it’s not like he has ever given any suggestion of two shits given about his followers.
TT: Kanaya, I am not interested in sexual intercourse, heavy petting, flirting, or risque roleplaying games; not with you or any of my other patients.
TT: I want to keep this strictly professional and strictly platonic.
GA: What
GA: Ffffffffffffff
GA: That Fuckin
GA: I Mean
GA: Shitfuck
GA: Just
GA: Shitfuck
GA: Motherfuckin Goddamn Misleadin Piece Of Woofbeast Hork
GA: Lyin Tight Ass Douchebag Nook Infection
GA: Stupid Lousy Outdated Waistcoat Wearin Motherfucker
TT: Are you finished yet?
GA: No
GA: Piss Swillin Creepy Ass Race Theorist Fuckbag
GA: Nook Lickin Bulge Suckin Self Hatin Sack of Shit
GA: Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
GA: Fffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh
GA: Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin
GA: Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooe
GA: Yeah Okay I Think Im Outta Insults Right Now
GA: That Was Some Stream Of Consciousness Level Of Pissed Off Right There
TT: Do you behave like that every time someone rejects your advances?
GA: What No Way Gurl I Mean Who Am I Nepeta
GA: Wouldnt That Just Be Fuckin Perfect
GA: In Fighting The Hoebag I Hath Become The Hoebag
GA: Nah Gurl That Outburst Wasnt Directed At Ya Shapely Rear
GA: Just Some Personal Shit
GA: Ya Was Just Some Motherfuckin Collateral Damage
TT: Well, I *am* a therapist. Why don’t you tell me about it?
GA: What Seriously
GA: Ya Just Fuckin Said Ya Werent Into Pale Shit
GA: Dont Be Playin With Me Gurl Fuckin Tell Me True
GA: Ya Some Kind Of Fuckin Bulge Tease
GA: Ya Just One More Motherfucker That Thinks
GA: Oh Man Kanaya Is Such A Hoe I Bet I Can Play Some Mad Mind Games N Fuck With Her Vascular Pump
GA: N She Aint Gonna Take Offense At Being Used Because Shes Just Some Bucket With Legs
GA: Well Bitch Lemme Stop Ya Right There N Tell Ya That Ya Aint The Cleverest Hoe In The Land
GA: Pretty Much Every Other Sorry Motherfucker On My Planet Tried That Shit
GA: Ya Aint Some Special Snowflake
TT: I did not mean any of that. I am merely offering some assistance. I maintain that I am uninterested in sexual relations.
TT: How did you even get that impression, anyway?
GA: Um Rose
GA: I Gotta Ask
GA: Ya Evil Or Just Hella Dense
GA: Seriously How Can Somebody Accidentally Offer To Be A Moirail For Hire N Not Get That
GA: Ya Cant Just Walk Into That Shit Not Knowin It
TT: What exactly is a moirail?
GA: Oh Emmmmmmmmmmm Eff Geeeeeeeeeeeeeee
GA: Ya Cant Be Serious
GA: No Way Ya Dont Know What A Moirail Is
TT: I do not. I’ve memorized a plethora of thesauri, yet I have no prior acquaintance with the term.
GA: Not To Doubt Ya But Its Easier To Believe Ya Just Kinda Dumb
GA: Hang On I Gotta See If Yer Serious About Being This Fuckin Ignorant
GA: Keep Ya Ass Put
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --
GG: oh noooooo! D:
GA: Nuh Uh
GA: No
GA: None Of This Victim Shit From You Today
GG: why wont you people just leave me alone??? what did i ever do to you???
GA: Cant Answer For The Others But For Me Its Yer Goofy Ass Googly Eye Glasses
GA: Those Fuckin Things Is An Affront To Good Taste On All Planes Of Existence
GA: Why Dont Ya Take The Leap N Just Wear A Fuckin Fursuit Already
GA: Ya Would Look Less Stupid
GG: i dont wear a fursuit!!! fursuits are stupid!!! YOURE stupid!!!
GA: W/E
GA: Quick Question N Ill Turn A Blind Eye To Ya Continued Crimes Against Fashion For Now
GG: good!!! fire away and then LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
GA: Whats A Moirail
GG: the heck is that??
GA: Oh Man Jade Ignorance Aint An Answer In This Game
GA: Better Get It Right Or Ill Just Keep Messin With Ya
GG: but i don’t even know what that is!! thats not fair!
GA: Yeah Its Unfair Better Tell Me What A Moirail Is Or Ill Keep Being An Unfair Bitch For The Rest Of Ya Life
GA: Best Not Be Actin Like An Ignorant Hoe Just To Mess With Me
GA: So What Is It
GG: i dont know! i dont know! I DONT KNOW!
GA: Oh Too Bad
GA: Guess Ill Have To Keep Trollin Ya As A Lil Old Lady
GG: fine! a moirail is a 1600s era painting! it was invented by Doofpants McFuckass and was popular in France!
GG: there i guessed and i just know I GOT IT WRONG.
GG: i hate you so much!! why are you such a bitch?
GA: Huh So Ya Really Dont Know
GG: of course not! of course i dont know about STUPID MADE-UP WORDS said by STUPID MADE-UP ALIENS who are STUPID REAL JERKS who have nothing better to do with their lives except for bullying a little girl!
GG: fuck you assholes!
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has been blocked by gardenGnostic [GG] --
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --
GA: Okay Dork Ya Got Thirty Seconds To Tell Me What A Moirail Is
EB: what’s a moirail?
GA: Not This Shit Again
EB: oh man, is this another one of your made-up alien things? like stilt judo?
GA: No Its Not Another
GA: Wait
GA: Stilt Judo
EB: oh yeah, one of you guys told me all about it! apparently it’s a troll mating ritual and it's totally hot and taboo and stuff, for reasons I don’t readily understand!
EB: pretty much like buckets, I guess.
GA: Ok The Moirail Question Is Tabled
GA: This Is Too Juicy
GA: Who Likes Doin It With Stilts
EB: man, I can’t tell you! I was sworn to secrecy!
GA: Cmon Pleeeeeeeeeease
EB: I don’t know what to tell you, bro! I mean, you COULD try and bribe me, but I don’t really know what you could do for me, since you’re an alien from another dimension and all...
GA: Man Ill Do Whatever Just Spill It
EB: well...
EB: hmmmm....
EB: maybe...
GA: Stop Bein A Dick Man
EB: ok, I’ve got it! I'll tell you if, and ONLY IF, you send me a picture of you cosplaying!
GA: What Thats It
GA: Pfft Fool Yer Talkin To The Cosplay Queen
GA: The Grand Mistress Of Fabrics
GA: I Was Schoolin Hoes For Sweeps Back On Alternia
GA: N That Was Before I Could Just Alchemize Shit
GA: Bring It On
EB: but you have to WEAR THIS!
EB: http://tinyurl.com/d8utc5o
GA: What
GA: What In Gods Name Happened To This Fool
EB: man, CYRUS THE VIRUS happened! a plane full of America’s most dangerous convicts is what happened!
EB: but you can’t keep Nicolas Cage down when he has a wife and daughter to reunite with! it simply cannot be done.
GA: You Want Me
GA: To Wear
GA: That
EB: yeah! and since you’re apparently “The Cosplay Queen”, I want detail! SWEAT STAINS! GRIME! A REALISTIC LOOKING WIG! only the best will reveal the secrets of the Kama Stiltra!
EB: you have to make an outfit worthy of...THE CAGE.
GA: This
GA: This A Sexual Thing
GA: ?
GA: Please Say No
EB: maybe. maybe not. I don’t know! all I know is that you’ll never hear who’s got a stilt fetish while my desktop does not a high-res background of you dressed as a renegade fighting against tough odds and the broken American justice system.
GA: John Egbert Go Fuck Yourself For Appealin To My Lesser Angels
GA: Ugh
GA: Fine
GA: Gimme A Second
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has logged off.
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has logged on.
GA: There
grimAuxiliatrix sent ectoBiologist the file John_Egbert_Is_A_Fuckin_Asshole.png
EB: oh man! you really are good at this! ha ha, wow!
EB: you still have some smudges of that stupid gray make-up on you though...
GA: Thats My Goddamn Skin Ya Fuckin Tool
EB: yeah, right, suuuuuure.
EB: another thing: what’s with that expression you’re making?
GA: Thats A Facial Contortion Unique To The Troll Species
GA: We Call It Gifling
GA: In Ya Tongue It Loosely Translates As
GA: I Wanna Rip Ya Thigh Bones Outta Ya Waste Chute N Then Violate Ya With One While Bashin Ya Fangs Out With The Other
EB: wow, really? that is so metal.
GA: W/E That Means
GA: Okay Now That Ive Debased Myself For Ya Sick Pleasure I Want Ya To Tell Me What Ya Heard
EB: okay, okay! you want to know who likes doing it with stilt judo?
GA: I Just Fuckin Said That
EB: are you absolutely sure?
GA: Motherfucker Were I Not Sure Would I Have Made An Ass Of Myself Just Now
GA: ?
GA: Fuckin Spill It
EB: alright, if you say so...
EB: you know who gets off to stilt judo?
EB: YOUR MOM gets off to stilt judo! ha ha!
EB: pwned!
GA: What
GA: Dont Know What A Mom Is
GA: But Im Gettin The Distinct Sensation That I Just Been Had
EB: YOUR MOM has just been had!
EB: by me!
GA: Yep There Goes That Feelin Again
GA: It Tells Me To Murder Ya
EB: too bad you’re trapped in your crazy space land where you can’t murder me with your crazy space hands!
GA: Alright Ya Lil Bucktoothed Asshole
GA: Ya Mind Tellin Me What The Fuck A Mom Is So I Can Know Exactly How Much I Wanna Stab Ya To Death
EB: well, unless you can tell me whatever a moirail is, I won’t tell you what a mom is! so I guess we’ve got ourselves an impasse!
GA: Guess That Answers Two Of My Questions
GA: Ya Dont Know What A Moirail Is
GA: N Yer Also A Fuckin Prick
GA: Guess Im Done Here
GA: So Fuck Off N Die
EB: wait, wait! don’t you wanna know who helped me think this up? don’t you wanna know who my muse of pranks and gambits was?
EB: don’t you wanna know who...turned my crank?
GA: Well Gee Whiz Thats Tough But Ima Go Ahead N Say My Mom
EB: ha ha, good one!
EB: no, but seriously, Nepeta and Jade just got that awesome picture.
GA: Say What
gardenGnostic [GG] has logged on.
arsenicCatnip [AC] has logged on.
GA: Fuckin What
AC: :DD < John Egbert.
AC: :DD < You
AC: :DD < Are
AC: :DD < A fucking
AC: XDD < God!
GG: maybe now youll stop being such a jerk!
GG: what goes around comes around asshole!!
EB: yeah! prankster posse representin’!
GA: Nepeta You Delete That Picture Right Fuckin Now
AC: :33 < No, I think I’m gonna k33p it.
AC: :33 < Oh, hey, what’s this button on my chat client?
AC: :33 < "Mass e-mail?"
GA: Nepeta
AC: :oo < Ooooooooooh
GA: Hoe Dont You Do It
AC: :DD < What does THIS button do?
GA: Bitch I Will Turn You Into A Pair Of Boots If You Do It
AC: :33 < Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand
AC: :33 < Send!
GA: Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh I Hate You So Much Ya Fuckin Hoe
GA: Fuck All Yall
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling EB, GG, and AC --
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --
TG: yo baby whats goin down
GA: Whats
GA: Know What I Changed My Mind
GA: I Just Remembered That Yer The Biggest Prick Of Em All
TG: thats right honey just call me abe frohman cuz im the crotch sausage king of chicago
TG: muy grande twelve inch prick right here
TG: dont sit to close to your screen or it might come through the broadband and jab you in the face
GA: Yeah Every Word Yer Sayin Just Confirms My Decision
GA: Goodbye Asshole
TG: come around anytime you feel like girl
TG: we can keep talking about our prolonged experience with the sausage
GA: Hoe
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has blocked turntechGodhead [TG] --
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
GA: Okay Gurl I Guess Humans Just Have A Hella Massive Blind Spot About The Quadrants
GA: Thats Not Really A Bad Thing In My Book But
GA: God Damn
GA: I Dont Even Believe In The Quadrants N Yet Theres Just This Big Ass Cultural Barrier Keepin Us From Being Straight With Each Other
GA: Gurl Ya Still There
GA: Hello
GA: The Fuck Ya At
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is now active –-
TT: Oh, you’re back. I was working away from my computer.
GA: Thought I Told Ya To Stay Put
TT: And I complied with your request—for 3 hours.
TT: On a Tuesday.
TT: Last Tuesday, to be precise.
TT: You never came back.
GA: What
GA: Aw Shit I Lit Up The Wrong Point In The Timeline
GA: Lemme Go Back To Where Ya Were
TT: I’m afraid that’s not possible. I don’t recall you ever contacting me during the last week, so you’d be violating causality if you tried talking to me. It’s probably impossible, or at least hazardous.
GA: Right Right
GA: Hate This Time Travel BS
GA: So I Guess We Gotta Do This Therapy Thing Now
TT: Probably. Before we begin, let me warn you though:
TT: Do not meddle with my friends.
GA: What
TT: One of my friends contacted me earlier today. It appears that you’ve been tormenting her.
GA: What That Dork Has Friends
GA: Man Talk About Motherfuckin Miracles
TT: Kanaya, I would request that you stop harassing Jade—or anyone else, for that matter.
TT: It will interfere with my ability to act as an impartial party if you insist on antagonizing my friends.
TT: I must insist that you apologize to her before we begin.
GA: Apologize
GA: No Way
GA: Fuck That Shit
GA: Kanaya Maryam Dont Apologize to Nobody For Nothin
GA: N Anyway She Got Her Stupid Fuckin Revenge Already
GA: So We Is Motherfuckin Even So Far As I Care
TT: She said you only contacted her just now. I find it hard to believe that she concocted a revenge scheme within minutes.
GA: Well I Guess Nonlinear Chronological Conversations Will Do That To Ya Wont It
GA: She Already Fucked Me Over Where I Stand N Like Ya Said No Point Even Botherin With This Causality BS
GA: So No I Aint Writin Any Fuckin Apology
GA: If Anythin She Should Be Apologizin To Me
TT: Why on earth should she apologize to you?
GA: For Bein So Unrepentantly Terrible
GA: Harleys An Idiot N If Yer Friends With Her So Is You
TT: Well, this is positively brilliant. My first session, and my patient is insulting me and making my friends miserable.
TT: Perhaps this might’ve been a bad idea after all.
GA: Well If This Is How Ya Think A Pale Prostitute Works Then Yeah Ya Definitely Aint Cut Out For This
TT: What did you just call me?
GA: Im Callin Ya What Ya Are:
GA: Yer A Pale Hoe
TT: You know what? Fuck this, and fuck you.
GA: Well Fuck You Too Bitch
GA: Dont Let The Aperture Close On Yer Ass On The Way Out
TT: Send Makara a message for me: The deal is cancelled. He can torture me so much as he desires, but no amount of pain is worth putting up with this nonsense.
GA: Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa
GA: Wait
GA: Back Up
GA: Gamzees Usin His Chucklevoodoo Bullshit On Ya
TT: Yes, the “payment” for my services to your people consists of not being mind-raped.
TT: I’m not doing this out of the kindness of my heart.
TT: To be frank, as a group, you are like a cluster headache given flesh.
GA: Fuck Gurl
GA: Had No Idea
GA: Hey Listen Dont Worry Bout This Shit Honey Ima Sit His Ass Down N Tell Him To Back Off
GA: I Gots Ya Back
TT: Oh, so now you wish to partake in the joys of friendship? Perhaps we can gaily frolic in a sunlit meadow together, laughing and skipping, before collapsing on top of each other in barely concealed sexual tension?
GA: Well If Ya Insist
TT: That was sarcasm.
GA: N That Was A Joke
GA: Oh Shit What Was That Lemme Tell Ya
GA: It Was A Goddamn Sarcasm Reversal Courtesy of Kanaya Maryam
GA: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh
GA: !
TT: This is stupid. I’m leaving.
GA: Oh Cmon Lemme Help Ya
TT: Why are you even concerned? This is none of your business.
GA: Gurl If Gamzee Hurts People It Becomes My Business
GA: So Hows About This
GA: We Clear Up Our Lil Misunderstandin
GA: N Then We Work On Gettin That Fool Off Ya Back
GA: Does That Proposition Strike Ya As Appealin
TT: So long as there is, in fact, a misunderstanding, and you are not stringing me along for some bizarre sadistic pleasure in wasting both of our time, then yes, I suppose we can work together.
TT: So how did matters go awry in our absurd little farce of an introduction?
GA: Well Basically It Was Entirely My Fault
GA: I Kinda Had The Wrong Idea Comin In Here
TT: I had deduced that much on my own.
GA: Yeah Well
GA: I Dont Wanna Offend Ya
GA: If This Is Even Somethin Youd Be Offended By
GA: But See When Gamzee Was Explainin This Therapy Deal A Lot Of Us Came Away With A Misconception About What It Was You Did
GA: Trolls Aint Exactly Open With Each Other A Lotta The Time
GA: Except That Is For When They Enter Into A Pale Romance
TT: A pale romance?
GA: Yeah Basically Ya Just Help Each Other Sort Out Your Shit Thats A Big Deal In My Culture
GA: N When We Heard That Gamzee Had Hired Ya To Talk With Us
GA: All Of Us
GA: N Basically Have What We Call A Feelings Jam
GA: We Uh Kinda Figured You Was A Prostitute
TT: Oh.
TT: Well.
TT: That explains a lot, I suppose.
GA: Yeah I Kinda Got Overexcited Bout That
GA: Aint Gonna Lie
TT: “Overexcited” is a gargantuan understatement.
TT: Talking to you is like a simulation of what would happen if someone pumped distilled id through a fire hose.
GA: Okay Okay I Fucked Up For Fucks Sake
GA: I Was Like A Horny Woofbeast Humpin Everythin In Sight
GA: Bad Woofbeast Worst Friend
GA: No Bone For Me
GA: There Is That Enough Prostration N Gnashin Of Fangs At The Altar Of Ya Soiled Honor
TT: It’s just...
TT: Do you always make such forward advances when you encounter new people?
GA: Again
GA: Hypothetical Prostitution
GA: Science Will Exonerate Me
GA: Until I Met Ya You Existed In A Quantum State Of Simultaneous Hoeness N Non-Hoeness
TT: I am fairly sure that quantum physics does not work that way at all.
GA: Damn It Where Is Eridan When I Need Him To Back Me Up On Shit Like This
GA: Look Im
GA: Shit
GA: Im Sorry
GA: N If It Makes Ya Feel Less Skeeved Out I Wasnt Even Interested In The Actual Roleplay As Much As
GA: Well
GA: Other Shit
TT: What “Other Shit” would that be? What alterior goal were you intending to use our aborted erotic adventure to service?
GA: Fuck Gurl Mind Ya Own
GA: Do Ya Always Stick Your Nasal Cartilage Into Business That Aint Yours
GA: ?
TT: So you aren’t comfortable with talking about your feelings. That represents a significant roadblock in our therapy.
TT: Well, Kanaya, if we can’t have a proper therapy session, we need to devise an alternative strategy to appease Makara.
TT: That is, if you are still volunteering to assist me in my predicament.
GA: Well How Bout This
GA: You Gotta Get Gamzee Visible Results Right
TT: He wants transcripts of my sessions, yes. I would rather not send them, as that would be a grievous abuse of doctor-patient confidentiality, but I have to produce something to present to him if I am to sleep soundly at night.
GA: Well Okay
GA: But We Dont Gotta Send Him A Real Transcript Do We
GA: Just Gotta Send Him One That Makes Him Think That We Is Makin Progress
GA: Progress As Defined By Sir I-Am-The-Biggest-Turd-On-Shit-Mountain Of Course
GA: We Just Gotta Look Busy For A Lil While To Show That Wes Communicatin
GA: But Really Ill Be Forgin A Bogus Session For Him N Youll Be Home Free
GA: N If Ya Clue Me In On Who Ya Talk To On What Day I Can Write Transcripts For Them Too
GA: That Sound Like A Plan
GA: ?
TT: It certainly sounds appealing. However, wouldn’t Gamzee notice that the patients aren’t progressing according to his standards?
GA: Thats The Beauty Of It Tho
GA: You Can Go On Ahead N Treat The Others
GA: Bein All Super Doctor N Shit
GA: You Make Em Happy
GA: N If Gamzee Has Evidence Suggestin That Yous Makin Nice Obedient Worker Drones For His Lil Empire
GA: Then I Doubt Hes Gonna Look Too Deep Into It
TT: So you will insist upon forgoing therapy? It could be beneficial for you.
GA: Nah Im Good
GA: I Mean Lets Face It Honey
GA: What Would We Talk About
GA: As Beautiful N Perfect As I Am We Just Dont Got Too Much To Discuss Do We
GA: Less You Wanna Hear Me Complain Bout The Trials Of Being The Best Goddamn Troll On This Meteor That Is
GA: In Which Case Oh Mercy Me
GA: Heavy Is The Hands What Wields The Chainsaw N Shit
GA: I Feel So Guilty For Hoardin All This Awesome For Myself
GA: Lol
TT: Hmm.
TT: Very well. You are hereby excused from therapy.
TT: Although we should probably sit and chat for a moment, if only for appearance’s sake. After all, your devious ruse would be snuffed out quite expediently if Makara should see me obviously loafing.
GA: Yeah Alright That Sounds Cool
GA: Ima Work On This Transcript In The Other Window
GA: Dont Mind If I Steer The Conversation Right Now Right
GA: ?
TT: By all means, Kanaya, say what you want to say. You are the master of your fate; you are the captain of your idle smalltalk.
GA: Damn Straight Im Captain
GA: I Got My Fancy Schmancy Embroidered Overcoat N My Tricornered Hat On N Everythin
GA: All Hands On Deck
TT: You know, when you say things like that, you remind me of Dave.
GA: Ooh Harsh Gurl
GA: That Was Uncalled For
GA: I Just Called Ya A Hoe Accidentally I Didnt Go N Call Ya A Dave
TT: I presume you’ve talked with him, then?
GA: Ugh More Than I Ever Needed To
TT: You should consider engaging with him more often. I am well aware that Dave is...well, he’s Dave, but his initial veneer of haughty hipsterism does a great disservice to his inner character. Once you’ve reached past it, I think the two of you would get along splendidly.
GA: Pfft
GA: Glad Ya Aint My Therapist If Thats The Kinda Advice Yer Givin Out
GA: Honestly Ya Seem Way Cooler Than Yer Friends
TT: You can determine that from the fifteen minutes we’ve been conversing?
GA: Well The Other Hornless Monkeys Got On My Nerves Way Faster Than Ya Have Thus Far
GA: So Yeah Yous Coolkid Number One By Disqualification
GA: So Why Do Ya Talk With Those Losers Anyway
TT: I talk with them because they’re my friends.
GA: I Dont Wanna Get Bitchy With Ya
GA: Oh Who Am I Kiddin I Totally Do
GA: Sayin That Reflects Pretty Fuckin Poorly On Ya TT
GA: The Shit
GA: I Aint Even Asked Ya Name Yet The Fucks Wrong With Me
TT: It’s Rose. Rose Lalonde.
GA: Nice Name
GA: Guess Ya Already Know It But While Were Introducin Ourselves Im Kanaya Maryam
TT: Nice to meet you.
TT: Getting back to your question: you would not mind if I proffered a somewhat sentimental answer regarding my friends, would you?
GA: Guess Not
GA: Go For It
TT: I’ll grant that it’s strange that my best friends are people I’ve never met in person. Really, I suppose that I am ideal material for some moral panic Lifetime original motion picture. I can foresee it now: the role of Rose Lalonde shall be played by a generically beautiful twentysomething actress who eats a hundred calories a day to stay in a size zero bustier. The plot will concern my tragic spiral into isolation and despair as the tangled World Wide Web devours my soul entire, until one day I am saved by either Jesus, or a magical ethnic woman who will solve all of my problems with her earthy wisdom. We’ll have to talk with the producers to determine the most fitting finale.
TT: But I digress. I’ve been privately tutored at home for most of my life, and I honestly haven’t met that many people outside of my mother and my assorted overpaid babysitters. One year, I was overtaken with curiosity about the strange social rituals centered around our public school system. So I told Mother that I just couldn’t bear to spoil myself with education that outweighed most people’s entire lifetime earnings and I asked to go to public school. I have no doubt that she knew what awaited me; I should have known it the minute she acquiesced so fervently.
TT: I would imagine that there are decent people walking through the halls of our schools, but they remain hypothetical from my viewpoint; I don’t know if it’s the petty politics, the ingrained xenophobia of the undeveloped pubescent mind, or the atomization of modern society, but for whatever reason, I have never met one of these decent people. For six months, I devoted eight hours of my daily life to cohabitation with a disinterested, directionless mass of youth that embraced blandness and shunned the new, the weird, and the nonconforming. Everything from my clothes, to my speech, to the books I read, and the movies I watched determined who I was in the judgment of the pimply Legion. My intelligence was impugned and my physicality was maligned. My dear, sweet classmates estimated that I had biblically known most of the student body, and were quite happy to broadcast the diseased results of my supposedly fickle love life.
GA: Huh
TT: Even the niche I crawled into, that dully lit crack in the earth that contained nothing but Bauhaus, onyx eyeliner, and spent cigarette butts, was scarcely a refuge. My little circle of fellow malcontents hated themselves and each other as fervently as they hated the establishment, if not more so. Joining them at the lunch table, one never knew who your friends would be that day; you never knew what strange new factions would arise, you never knew how they would change based on who was infatuated with whom, or who was a true, blackhearted nihilist and who was deemed a mere “poseur”. And so little irony and self-awareness from the supposed counter-culture! One would think we were always at war with Eurasia the way we would redraw the battle lines everyday.
GA: That
GA: Is Really Sucky
TT: Indeed it was. As I said, I only stayed for six months. In the fifth month, I idly browsed an IRC channel and I chanced upon meet a trio of fellow youths. Who could have foreseen the bonds we would forge together? Indeed, I could not; my time with my mother taught me that family could not be relied upon to place their supposed loved ones above their own neuroses, and my self-imposed sentence in the institutionalized juvenile hall deceptively labeled “middle school” suggested that friendship was analogous to a racist prison gang; you had your confederates, but they based their membership requirements upon equal parts superficiality and a cynical potential for manipulation.
TT: Before that fifth month, I would have scarcely believed you if you told me that a quiet, dark spit of a girl could consort with a boy who loved bad movies and apologized for nothing, or with a boy who listened to Wu-Tang Clan and rapped about Ben Stiller, or a hermit girl who pirated satellite feeds every Saturday morning and watched Spongebob while consuming her favorite artificially flavored cereal. Certainly this small culture could never survive in the petri dish of Washington Irving Middle School. And I wondered if this, too, was not merely another set of phantom acquaintances, ready to dissipate without warning.
TT: Yet within weeks I had more confidence and trust in these faceless strangers than I had ever had with my flesh-and-blood peers—a trust that has yet to fail me. So in the cold, twilight months of 2007, I saluted my alma mater with the long fingers of my hands, and I left without a second’s hesitation.
TT: My, that was a bit longer than I anticipated. Apologies.
GA: No
GA: Yer Fine
TT: Kanaya?
TT: Are you still there?
TT: If you are deferring to my rather extended anecdote, you may stop. I’ve said my piece on the matter.
GA: Yeah Im Here
GA: So
GA: People Kinda Give Ya The Shaft In Person Huh
TT: It was a dark and rather dull chapter of my life, but it’s over, thankfully.
GA: Thats Good
GA: N I Guess Your Fellow Players Treat Ya A Lot Better Than That
TT: I assume that you are referring to my friends? Yes, they are more than I could’ve possibly requested from life.
GA: Do Ya Think They Might Talk With Me If I Made Nice With Em
TT: I thought you weren’t interested in friendship with them?
GA: Well
GA: Maybe I Was Bein Hasty
GA: Now I Aint Movin From My Original Position With Jade
GA: But Maybe The Other Two
GA: I Mean If Everybody Else Treats Ya Like A Hoe But They Got Ya Back Maybe They Aint All Bad
GA: Maybe Theyd Be Good To Talk To
TT: Might I ask if you have any particular reason for your attachment to that word?
GA: What Word
TT: “Hoe.” You’ve been using it quite frequently.
GA: Oh That Aint Nothin
GA: Thats Just Somethin Pretty Much Everybody Says
GA: Right
GA: ?
TT: Not really. In my culture, it’s typically used by the especially misogynistic.
GA: Oh
TT: I haven’t even seen that many of your friends use it while I’ve talked with them.
GA: Friends
GA: ?
TT: Your “Fellow Players”?
GA: Oh
GA: Yeah
GA: I Guess Maybe I Just Heard It A Lot More From Trolls On My Home Planet
TT: In what context did they typically use it?
GA: Know What This Is Borin Lets Change The Subject
GA: I Mean Just Listen To You
GA: In What Context Pfft
GA: What You Gonna Drop Some Heavy Sociological Bullshit Concernin My Society
TT: No, I was planning on focusing the discussion on you.
GA: Well Then Thats Even Dumber
GA: !
GA: I Mean We Already Established Im Totes Cool N That I Really Got Nothin To Talk About
GA: Yep Miss Maryam Is Definitely All Sane In The Membrane N Shit
TT: I suppose.
GA: So Lets Definitely Find Somethin Else To Talk About
GA: How About That Jade Girl
GA: What Kinda Stuff She Like
TT: I thought you said you were uninterested in friendship?
GA: Well I
GA: I Went N Changed My Mind
GA: Im Very Changeable
GA: Now Suddenly Alls I Wanna Do Is Be
GA: Frrr
GA: Friieeennds
GA: With Her
TT: I fear I must doubt your sincerity. I mean, you struggled to get that word out—and in textual form, no less. How does such a thing even happen? How intoxicated must one even be?
GA: No I Mean It Seriously
GA: Mostly
GA: Kinda
GA: I Mean Even If I Dont Really Like Her Per Se Theres Nothin Wrong With Just Askin A Little Bit About Her
GA: Hell Theres Only So Much Ya Can Know About A Girl By Starin At A Lil Window On Yer Computer Screen
GA: N Ya Know I Keep Tryin To Engage Her
GA: But She Keeps Givin Me The Cold Shoulder
GA: I Aint Lyin When I Say Im Genuinely Curious About Her Interests
GA: So Why Not Help A Gurl Out Huh
GA: ?
TT: ...
GA: Okay WTF Is With That Right There
TT: ...
GA: The Fuck Is With That
TT: ...
GA: Rose Why Ya Makin The Effort Of Expressin Silence Via Typed Ellipses Yer Actin Hella Creeptastic
TT: ...You like Jade.
TT: Don’t you, Kanaya?
GA: I
GA: I
GA: I
GA: Thats Absurd
GA: Totes Untrue
GA: N Ya Know What Else
GA: I Dont Even Like Her
GA: At All
GA: I Lied
GA: !
GA: I Am A Liar
GA: A Liar Is Me
GA: She Is Absolutely Terrible
GA: With Her Stupid Ugly Reminder Rings
GA: N Her Ugly Juttin Dull Ass Buckteeth
GA: And Her Stupid Stupid Stupid
GA: Oh Golly Gee I Love Everything Lets All Be Friends!!!!!!!! :D :D :D
GA: Goddamn Stupid Typin Style
GA: Only Reason I Was Askin Was Cause I Wanted To Know What She Loved
GA: So I Could Destroy It Right In Front Of Her
GA: So There I Guess You Aint So Smart
GA: Thinkin Im Red Fer Jade Pfffft
TT: Oh, dear, you’re right, Kanaya. Strike one for me.
TT: A modified hypothesis: you’re in hate with her.
GA: Wha
GA: How Would Ya
GA: I Thought Humans Didnt Even Have Black Romances
TT: We don’t.
GA: Then How The Fuck Could You Even Know Thats A Thing
TT: I didn’t really know, so much as I theorized.
TT: And I wouldn’t have been able to do that if you hadn’t solicited me earlier. So thank you, Kanaya, for proving to be the instrument of your own undoing.
GA: Oh Fuck You
GA: Fuck You N Fuck Yer Stupid Mind Games
GA: Its None Of Yer Business
GA: Yer A Bitch Lalonde
TT: Oh, heavens, no! Now I know Miss Maryam fancies tan little island girls! Oh, I could put this to so much ill use, if only it weren’t for the facts that there is literally no mischief to possibly be had, and I have absolutely no interest in abusing it.
GA: Ya Dont Get It
GA: Ya Dont Play Mind Games With People Goddamn It
GA: Ya Dont Toy With Peoples Hearts N Heads Like That
GA: You Fuckin Evil Bitch
TT: Lighten up, Kanaya. It’s nothing. I wasn’t exactly interrogating you. I mean, it was just a fortuitous guess. I really doubt that nobody knows; I mean, if I, a stranger to your culture, was able to derive the correct secret from your demeanor, I imagine the other trolls probably already know.
GA: Well The Jokes On You Aint It Hoe
GA; Because Guess What
GA: Nobody Else
GA: Nobody On This Asteroid N Nobody On Earth
GA: Nobody
GA: Nobody At All
GA: Nobody Else Cares Enough About The Stupid Slutty Jade Hoe To Notice Her Stupid Lil Interspecies Crush
GA: It Turns Out That Everybody Else Is Smart Enough To Leave The Freak Alone N Get On With Their Lives
GA: Except For You
GA: Yer The Only One Dumb Enough To Wanna Bug Me
GA: So Ha
GA: Fuckin
GA: Ha
TT: I’m not entirely sure what I just did, but I apologize.
GA: Fuck You
GA: You Aint Sorry
GA: Nobody Ever Is
GA: Fuck You
TT: Kanaya, please. I apologize, truly. I was being flippant, and I was more callous with your feelings than you deserved.
GA: I Dont Deserve Nothin
GA: Stop Bullshittin Me
TT: Let’s talk about it.
GA: No
TT: It will make you feel better.
GA: No It Wont
TT: I’ll send you links to an assortment of Spengbab pictures.
GA: I Dont Even Know What That Is
TT: Well, Spengbab is a grotesque, vulgar parody of the cartoon Spongebob Squarepants.
TT: Jade loves Spongebob. It would make for a fine courtship.
GA: ...Ya Know I Could Just Google It N Just Leave Right Now Without Sayin A Word
TT: Yes, you could. If you truly desire to do so, I will respect your wishes, and we’ll stop.
GA: Okay
GA: Ill Talk
GA: But I Aint A Freak
TT: Of course you aren’t. Of course you aren’t.
GA: So I Guess Ya Decided To Play Matchmaker Between Me N Jade
TT: If you made your intentions clear to Jade, I might be inclined to do so. I don’t know if she could really reciprocate your feelings or not, but it would make her feel better knowing that your animosity is based upon attraction and not true contempt.
GA: Ya Don’t Think Thats Comin On A Bit Strong
TT: Because you haven’t been aggressive in your pursuit of her thus far?
GA: Yeah Okay I Guess I Can Just Come Out With It
GA: I Mean Hell Itll Be A Load Off My Shoulders
GA: If Shes Into It Great N If Not I Can Just Move On
TT: That sounds like an excellent course of action.
TT: Do you think that now we may proceed with discussing your conflict with your co-players?
GA: Co-Players
GA: Heh
GA: Try The Whole Damn Species
TT: Tell me about it. Expound about the situation.
GA: Okay
GA: Guess Itd Be Best To Just Get The Obvious Thing Out Of The Way
GA: Dont Like The Idea Of Being Defined By It But When Ya Think About It My Life Woulda Been Totes Different If I Werent
GA: Well
TT: Yes?
GA: Im Not Like The Other Trolls
GA: Never Have Been
GA: N Its Been Hangin Over Me My Entire Life
TT: I know it’s hard, but I really need you to clarify what’s wrong.
GA: Aint Nothin Is Wrong With Me
GA: Its Just
GA: I Dont Fit In With How A Trolls Supposed To Act
TT: How so?
GA: Maybe You Need To Know Where Im Comin From On This
GA: You Still Dont Know What The Quadrants Are
GA: Know What Lets Reschedule N You Can Talk To Somebody Else About What The Quadrants Are N Then We Can Come Back N Do This Shit Proper Like
TT: Kanaya, you’re stalling.
TT: I understand that you have difficulty discussing this, but we won’t get anywhere unless we actually achieve some forward motion.
TT: I know I am being insistent, but I am just stating things as I see them.
GA: Fuck Youre Right
GA: N Here Id Always Promised Myself I Wasnt Gonna Act All Ashamed N Shit When It Came To This Topic
GA: The Fucks Wrong With Me
GA: Okay Lets Just Air This Shit Out
GA: Here Goes
GA: I Like
GA: Everythin
GA: At The Same Time
GA: Well There It Is
TT: I don’t think I understand what you’re saying.
GA: Well How About Ya Find Out The Same Way I Did
GA: When I Was Real Little Me N My Lusus
GA: Thats Like A Guardian For Newborn Trolls Who Pass The Initial Tests FYI
GA: Well We Was Watchin A Motion Document For Wigglers
GA: Little Fairy Tale Princess Type Shit
GA: First Time Im Seein It N Suddenly Like
GA: *That*
GA: It Hits Me
GA: I Realize I Got A Crush On Both The Prince N The Princess
TT: Go on.
GA: Now Im Young So I Dont Know Much About Nothin
GA: N I Dont Get How People Are Gonna React To Stuff Like This For The Next Six Sweeps
GA: So I Up N Tell My Lusus That I Like Those Two Like A Whole Lot
GA: N She Thinks Its Just Cute As Globes At First
GA: Figures I Got Jealous Of One Of Em N That Made Me Go Black For The Other One
GA: So She Asks Me Which One Im Red For N Which One Im Black For
GA: N Like It Aint Nothin
GA: Which It Aint
GA: I Just Say That Im Red For Both Of Them
GA: Suddenly She Stops Smilin N Just Sort Of Backs Away From Me
GA: Just Hoverin Away From My General Direction
GA: N Things Between Us Werent Never The Same Again
GA: Story Of My Fuckin Life
TT: I think I got the gist of that, but there’s still a lot that I don’t understand.
TT: What do you mean by red and black, and how would that adversely affect your relationship with your parental unit?
GA: Okay I Was Hopin We Could Do This Without Resortin To The Antimatter Option
GA: But We Really Cant Get Any Further Less Ya Understand Some Basic Things Bout Troll Culture N How Im Apparently A Shameless Harlot For Calling Em Out As Bullshit
GA: Call Up Nepeta Real Quick N Ask Her To Explain The Quadrants For Ya
TT: Why Nepeta? Why not you?
GA: Because I Dont Give A Shit About Em
GA: But Nepeta Gives All The Shits
GA: All Of Em
GA: I Dont Trust Myself To Take This Bullshit Seriously
GA: Id Be All Like
GA: Herrrrrrrr When Two Trolls Pity Each Other Very Very Much They Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart
GA: Fart Fart Fart
GA: Fart
GA: See I Really Tried That Time N I Couldnt Even Finish A Single Sentence
GA: So Go Bother Nepeta For A While N Then Once Shes Done Talking Ya Ear Off Get Yer Ass Back Here
TT: Alright. Just know that I don’t relish the thought of talking with her.
GA: Oh Dont I Fucking Know It
GA: Dont Worry About Her Usual Bitchiness Though
GA: Bitch Loves The Shit Out Of Those Quadrants
GA: Shes A Totally Different Person When Shes Talkin About Her Stupid Ships
GA: Aint Sayin Youre Gonna Actually Enjoy It
GA: Just Sayin That If You Humored Her Bullshit Obsession N You Were Talkin In Person
GA: Shed Probably Try N Eat Your Nook Then N There
TT: Thank you for that warning, Kanaya. I will return momentarily.
GA: Good Luck Gurl
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has logged off --
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has logged on --
TT: Oh my god, that was terrible.
GA: Yeah Gurl Im Sorry As Fuck Bout That
GA: But At Least You Know What Quadrants Are Right
TT: I know more about quadrants than I never needed to know.
GA: Ha Ha Yeah She Can Be Pretty Bad
TT: I apologize for the wait lasting longer than I intended. After hearing all of that, I needed to brew some tea to clear my head.
GA: Naw Gurl Its Cool
TT: So apparently trolls can never mate without committing incest?
GA: That A Problem
TT: It would be if humans operated on the same system. Our genetic code would gradually get beaten to a pulp through repeated inbreeding over generations. Yet somehow we are different enough on a basic genetic label that it doesn’t affect your species.
GA: Anything Else Ya Want Me To Fill Ya In On
TT: Out of curiosity, what is the cause of your disdain for traditional troll mating rituals? I would like to know what your rationale is for your opinion of it.
GA: Well Basically Its Just A Really Arbitrarily Weird System To Me
GA: I Mean Ya Just Found Out What Radically Different Romantic Systems We Got Tween Our Species
GA: So Ya Get Where Im Comin From When I Say It Makes No Sense To Me
TT: Yes, but that’s because I’m human. Is your dislike of the traditional system an innate feeling, or is there some philosophy to it?
GA: Theres Bits of Both To It
GA: Ive Definitely Always Felt That Way About Other Trolls But As I Got Older I Started Thinkin The Whole Quadrant System Is Kinda Stupid As Hell
GA: I Mean Ill Play By It If A Partner Believes In It
GA: Cause Despite Rumors To The Contrary I Aint Settin Out To Be A Hivewrecker
GA: But Holy Shit Theres Got To Be A Better Way Of Dealing With Romance
TT: Explain.
GA: Well Lets Get Mathematical Up In Here
GA: Ya Got Twelve Trolls Here In The Asteroid N At Some Point Were Gonna Have To Deal With The Fact That We N The Matriorb Are All Thats Left Of The Species N Then Were Gonna Have To Get Busyyyyyyy
GA: So We Now Have Troll Society Expressed In A Convenient As Shit Microcosm N We Can Start To See Where Things Start To Go Wrong
GA: Ideally Each Troll Is Supposed To Have All Their Quadrants Full Or Else They Are Considered To Be Romantically Incomplete
GA: So That Means Each Troll Has To Have Five Partners Over All
GA: None Of These Partners Can Overlap
GA: N Im Basically The Only One Wholl Admit To Findin You Humans Attractive So Lets Assume Were Stuck With The Twelve Of Us
GA: If All Of Us Is Gonna Be Happy
GA: (Considerin That Is An Impossibility For A Troll With Incomplete Quadrants Accordin To Tradition)
GA: We Gotta Put Together This Elaborate Ass Network Of Relationships That Everybodys Gotta Navigate Through
GA: Its A Complex Ecosystem Where Nobody Can Make A Move Without Sending Massive Ripples Through The Whole Damn System
GA: N Theres Tons Of Potential Complications
GA: If One Of Us Should Turn Out To Be Attracted To Just The One Gender
GA: N I Know For Sure That Theres At Least One Of Us Who Is
GA: Then That Trolls Gotta Lock Up The Other Five Trolls Who Share That Gender Reducin The Flexibility Of This Network
GA: Also Some Trolls Might Not Be Capable Of Experiencing Certain Quadrants
GA: Feferi Could Very Well Be Too Psycho N Too Sneaky To Hold Down A Long Term Auspisticism
GA: More Likely Shed Just Get Around The Middle N Either Fuck Or Skewer Her Opposite
GA: Maybe Both Simultaneously
GA: Which Sucks For Her Because Shes Def Too Bitchy To Be The Middle
GA: N I Really Got Trouble Believin That Karkat Can Do Black Relationships Anymore
TT: Anymore?
GA: Long Sad Story
GA: Maybe Another Time
GA: Another Problem Is That Sometimes Trolls Wind Up Crushin On Things That Is Unattainable Or Abstract
GA: Most People Would Classify Jade N Me As Such Considerin The Literal Universes Between Us
GA: Or Me N My Prince N Princess To Refer To My Earlier Example
GA: N Like Aradia Could For Serious Be Flushed For Death Or Eridan Might Love Science Too Much To Hook Up With An Actual Person
GA: N Oh God Help Us If Somebody Starts Quadrant Flippin
GA: Because Then The Whole System Soils Itself N Screams Bloody Anarchy
GA: Like Say Everyones Successfully Set Up All Four Ways
GA: Which Is A Massive Fuckin Achievement Lemme Tell Ya
GA: So Me N Nepeta Is Black Together
GA: Whats More Lets Be Real Generous N Say Nepeta Gets Her Wish N Is Red With Karkat
GA: Karkats Black With Terezi In Our Hypothetical Example
GA: But One Day They Flip Out N Turn Red
GA: Now Nepeta N Karkat Both Got An Empty Quadrant N They Got Three Options Now
GA: 1: They Give No Fucks About Full Quadrants N Move The Hell On With Their Lives
GA: (Which Is Seemingly Impossible According To Nepeta)
GA: 2: They Decide To Break The Interspecies Taboo N Hook Up With A Human
GA: (Also Impossible To Her)
GA: Or 3: They Turn Black For Each Other To Fill Up That Empty Space Till Things Set Themselves Right
GA: So Nep Fakes Hatin On Karkat
GA: However This Means That Nepetas Not Only Got An Empty Flushed Quadrant But Shes Also Cheating On Me N Karkat
GA: Like I Care
GA: But You Can Bet She Does
GA: So The Best Thing She Can Do Now Is Try N Fake Bein Red For Me Too
GA: N Youve Seen Her Creepy Ass Idea Of Red Romance
GA: All Threatenin Everybody With A Pulse
GA: Because I Dont Get Enough Of That Already
GA: N Oh God You Can Scarcely Imagine The Cuddlin
GA: So Much
GA: Cuddlin
GA: Blargh
GA: So She Aint Happy
GA: I Certainly Aint Happy
GA: We Fucked Up Good
GA: N That Was A Closed Loop
GA: Therell Inevitably Be Some Connections That Reach Out Every Which Way
GA: So One Single Quadrant Flip Could Easily Start A Chain Reaction Where Everybody Else Has To Flip If They Dont Wanna Cheat By Accident
GA: Which Is Obvi Problematic
TT: Fascinating.
TT: Once again, I find this line of dialog to be extremely reminiscent of someone you profess to hate.
GA: Gurl
GA: Do Not
GA: Fuckin
GA: Go There
GA: I Dont Wanna Have To Be Caligy For The Entire Survivin Female Half Of Yer Species
TT: Oh yes, you fellows insist that the apocalypse is imminent. I’d almost forgotten.
TT: But fret not. I shall shutter my thoughts on the subject.
GA: Thanks For That
GA: But Yeah That Pretty Much Sums It Up
GA: Its A Stupidly Rigid System That Makes Life Miserable N Complicated For Everybody
GA: I Figure It Mightve Needlessly Killed Off Thousands If Not Millions Of Our Species Over Time Because Of How Damn Violent The Whole Thing Is
GA: I Try To Respect These Other Guys For Their Beliefs
GA: Even If So Many Of Em Are So Shitty About Mine
GA: But Were It Up To Me Wed Just Skip The Quadrants Skip The Buckets Grab One Of These
GA: http://tinyurl.com/cd6m9ed
GA: N Go To Work Repopulatin The Species
TT: Which members of your team are you having problems with?
GA: Well The Ones Who Really Hate Me Are Nepeta N Sollux
GA: Nepetas All Like Bluh Bluh Quadrants Bluh Bluh Made For Each Other
GA: N Obvi Sollux Aint Into Anythin That Dont Fly With His Religion
GA: I Wouldnt Touch Feferi With A Nine Foot Pole Obvi
GA: But Thats About It For Real Hate
GA: Everyone Else Is Either Weirded Out Or Theyre Just Too Busy With Their Own Shit
GA: Karkats Cool But I Cant Talk With Him Too Much Anymore Without Settin Off Nepeta Thinkin Ima Molest His Ass
GA: N So Is Eridan But When He Aint Workin On His Own Projects Or Keepin Feferi From Bein A Complete Bitch Gamzees Got Him Doin Some Bullshit I Dont Even Pretend To Understand
GA: Ya Never Hear From Him Anymore
GA: Man All Of Us Are Sufferin Without Eridan Around
GA: I Tell Ya If He Thought The Way I Do About Quadrants Aint Nobody Would Start Shit
GA: Not Even Nepeta
TT: Why is that?
GA: Man Because Eridan Is Like Grub Sauce
GA: That Shit Goes Great With Everythin
GA: Whenever You Sit His Ass Down For Some Therapy You Gotta Tell Me All About It
GA: I Think You Two Would Really Hit It Off
TT: Hmm. I’ll think about that. But please, continue.
GA: Well Terezi N I Always Got Along Alright Since We Got A Similar Distaste For Authority But When The Demon Appeared She Got All Weird
GA: You Saw What That Turned Into
TT: While we’re on the subject, is Terezi doing any better at present?
GA: Honestly
GA: Not By Much
GA: For A Little Bit After That Scare She Seemed Okay
GA: But Now Shes Gone All Quiet N Shit
GA: Me N Vriska Try N Keep Her Company N Keep That Creepy Ass Hoe Aradia From Gettin In Her Head Again
GA: I Feel Like An Asshole For Ever Letting Her Talk To Terezi In The First Place
GA: But Mostly She Just Lies Around Staring Into Space
GA: Well Not Staring But Ya Get The Idea
GA: Ya Can Almost Hear The Gears Turning In Her Head
GA: Still Tryin To Figure Out A Solution To This Mess
TT: Well, I guess that’s sort of constructive, in a certain sense.
GA: I Guess
GA: Im Still Kinda Freakin Out Though
GA: While She Was Sleepin At One Point I Looked Through Her Notes
GA: For A Second I Thought Id Accidentally Snatched Nepetas Shippin Chart Bullshit
GA: Cause There Was This Flowchart With Xes Drawn Through A Lot Of Our Names
GA: N Sometimes I Hear Her Mumblin
GA: I Dunno What All Thats About
TT: Hmm. I’ll inquire about that when she turns up in the queue.
GA: Just As Long As You Didnt Hear It From Me
TT: So by my tally, that leaves just Vriska, Makara, that rascally Equius fellow I’ve heard so much about, and...
TT: ...who have I mislaid...
TT: Ah, yes, this adiosToreador person.
GA: Ya Havent Met Tavros Yet
GA: Lol
TT: What warrants your expression of hilarity, Kanaya?
GA: Oh Man
GA: I Cant Wait To See This Transcript
TT: Why is that?
GA: Tavros
GA: Man Tavros Is Just Entirely Too Much
GA: Lets Just Leave At That
GA: Oh Gods Itll Be Glorious
TT: Your bemusement strikes me as somewhat ominous.
TT: Could you give me a warning about I’m getting into next session?
GA: Uh Uh
GA: No Way
GA: No Spoilers
GA: Man I Got The Giggs Already
TT: Well. Since troll amusement seems to involve an element of sadism, and since I can apparently do nothing to mitigate my suffering, let’s focus on those last three.
GA: Uh Can We Really Not
TT: If you really don’t want to, I suppose.
TT: Would I be out of line suggesting that there are some personal issues involved with them?
GA: Suggest Whatevs Ya Want
GA: I Wont Confirm Or Deny Nothin
TT: I see.
TT: Well, since we seem to have reached a good stopping point, I wonder if you would be so kind as to show me your progress with the phony transcript?
GA: Sure No Problem
GA: Kay Here We Go
-- GA sent TT the file Excerpt.txt --
Beginning file...
GA: Oh God What Will I Do I Am Beyond All Redemption
GA: I Am A Fallen Woman N I Am Shamin My Species N Yet I Dont Know How To Stop This Shit
GA: See I Cant Even Stop Cussin Like An Uncouth Biyatch
GA: Oh Please Doctor Whatever Will I Do
TT: Alright, Kanaya, relax. We’re going to begin some intensive therapy to help relieve all of this pent-up stress.
TT: First, disrobe. Cotton fibers collect stress particles, which aggregate over time, causing the wearer to develop signs of aggression, frustration, and various other signs of illin’.
GA: That Is Perfectly Logical N In No Way Contradicts Scientific Fact
TT: Indeed. I shall likewise disrobe so that you do not feel uncomfortable.
TT: This is also perfectly acceptable doctor-patient behavior.
TT: Please continue to describe your feelings whilst I adorn myself with whipped cream.
GA: Oh Doctor You Are So Amazin I Dont Deserve Yer Help Considerin All The Fuckin Around I Did
GA: Oh How I Mustve Shamed My Lusus With My Fuckin Around What The Fuck Would She Even Be Thinkin She Must Be Screamin Up From Hell Right Fuckin Now
GA: Thank God I Got A Big Strong Highblood Man Lookin After My Wanton Ass Or I Dont Even Know What Shit Ida Gotten Myself Into Boo Hoo Hoo
TT: Ooh, that rapscallion! He vexes me so, and yet I cannot bring myself to truly hate him, as my fear grossly outweighs my anger! I must vent this impotent anger via the use of my trusty riding crop!
TT: Kanaya, never let yourself forget how truly fortunate you are to have a Highblood looking after you! He is not being creepy or overbearing at all, obviously, and you should always remember that!
GA: Hell Yeah Doctor I Dont Know What I Did To Deserve Him
GA: Motherfuckin Godsend N Shit
End of file.
GA: So What Ya Think
TT: I...might have to edit in my own dialogue later. You know, for increased realism.
GA: Whatever You Thinks Best
GA: Hey Maybe I Can Help Ya With The Other Guys Transcripts So Ya Can Get Em Some Motherfuckin Private Time
GA: I Can Do A Kick Ass Vriska
TT: I’ll have to think about it.
TT: I’ll have to do something to get my clients some privacy, that’s for certain.
TT: But your excerpt raises a question in my mind.
TT: I’ve heard “matesprit” before, unfortunately.
TT: And you said “highblood.”
TT: Are you and Gamzee lovers?
GA: Ugh
GA: That Was In There Wasnt It
GA: Fuck
GA: Yeah Technically We Is Red Together
GA: Its Complicated
TT: I’m only asking because you seem to speak poorly of him.
GA: Well Why The Fuck Shouldnt I Youve Talked To Him
GA: Hes A Crazy Powerhungry Asshole Who Likes Hurtin People
TT: That is precisely why I am asking. What exactly do you see in him, anyway?
GA: Now That Is The Motherfuckin Ultimate Riddle Right There Aint It
GA: I Mean Sure Hes Attractive But Holy Shit That Personality
TT: I think that part of the reason I’m surprised is that he didn’t mention anything about your relationship in the briefing he sent me. Instead, he was talking about race purity, and the survival of the troll races, or some such hogwash.
GA: Sigh
GA: Yeah That Sure Sounds Like Gamzee
TT: Do you mind if we talk about it?
GA: Know What
GA: Not Only Do I Not Mind Im Glad I Finally Get To Talk With Somebody Bout This Stupid Bullshit
GA: Lets Fuckin Do This
GA: I Guess All It Started When The Game Began
GA: Id Heard People Talk About Him N They Were Sayin Pretty Much What Youd Expect
GA: But When We Actually Met I Had To Wonder If Maybe They Werent All Full Of Shit
GA: Motherfucker Seemed So
GA: Graceful
GA: Gentle
GA: ?
GA: I Dunno He Just Didnt Seem Like The Ultimate Jack Off Is What Im Sayin
GA: All Smilin N Polite N Shit
GA: N Sweet Condesce Did He Have A Protective Streak
GA: If Ever An Imp Or Whatever Got Near Me Motherfucker Just Ended Him Right Then N There
GA: For A While I Was Way Behind Him On The Echeladder Because The Son Of A Bitch Kept Killin Anythin In Thirty Feet Of Me Before I Could Get Any Grist Or Any Fuckin Thing
GA: Started Feelin Bad For The Ugly Lil Guys After A While
GA: Lookin Back It Was Pretty Fuckin Obvi That He Had Flushed Intentions
GA: N I Was Startin To Feel The Same Way Even
GA: But Then We Hooked Up With The Rest Of The Group
GA: I Mean I Look Away For A Second N When I Turn Back Its Like Theres A Totally Different Motherfucker Standin There
GA: He Seized Up N Never Smiled Just Kept Orderin People Around N Threatenin Them
GA: N The Motherfucker Treated Me The Exact Same Way Like He Hadnt Been Playin All Gentleman Caller The Whole Time We Was Alone
GA: N After We Split Up Again To Do This Stupid Black Queen Plan That He Took Credit For
GA: We Was Alone Again N Suddenly Hes Mister May I Take Your Hand Miss Maryam Again
GA: Like Nothin Even Happened
GA: N Then We Reach This Point Where The Game Was Split Second Life N Death
GA: N He Asks To Make It Official In Case We Dont Make It Out
GA: So I Figure What The Hell
GA: Back Then I Thought That I Was Making Him Act Different
GA: Bringin Out The Better Part Of Him
GA: But Then He Explains What The Fucks Goin On
GA: Motherfucker Says That We Is Involved In Courtly Love
GA: A Forbidden Relationship Between High Blood N Jade Blood
GA: N That No One Can Ever Know
GA: I Ask Why The Fuck It Needs To Be Forbidden Nobody Fuckin Cares This Is Stupid
GA: So He Fuckin Flinches Because Ive Suddenly Shaken The Foundation Of Our Dumb Little Relationship
GA: Just Looked So Sad
GA: Like Id Just Pissed In His Chilled Curd Substance
GA: N So I Go Along With It Like A Goddamn Chump
GA: Now I Realize What A Fool Ive Been
GA: Kept Pitying That Motherfucker So Hard I Thought I Was Gonna Change Him
GA: N Now Ive Been Trapped In One Of The Oldest N Dumbest Fuckin Romantic Institutions Ever Devised By Our Culture
GA: Oh N Even Better:
GA: Motherfucker Thinks The Exact Same Thing About Me That I Did About Him
GA: Thinks He Can Change Me
GA: Wants To Me To Be His Pure Blushin Porcelain Doll
GA: “Dont Fuckin Curse Kanaya”
GA: "Ya Cant Hang Out With Other Trolls Cuz They Might Take Advantage Of Ya Kanaya"
GA: “Kanaya Why You Always Gotta Embarrass Me N Dress So Immodestly”
GA: Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck
GA: Fuck This Fragile Virgin Bullshit
GA: I Been Called A Hoe My Entire Fuckin Life But Its This Betrothed Bullshit That Finally Makes Me Ashamed Of Myself
TT: I’m sorry to hear all this. It’s never easy when a relationship turns out like this.
GA: Worst Thing Is That Im Not Even Sure If He Really Likes Me In The First Place
GA: I Mean When Were Alone Together Hes Still Playin The Romantic Beau With Poetry N Shit Like That
GA: But Listen To This Bullshit
GA: “ ‘Gainst roiling sun and burning sands,
GA: Alone, my pale jade flower stands.
GA: Wet with the blood of her fallen foes
GA: A rainbow drinker in studied repose.
GA: And never the sun shall stain her fair flesh,
GA: Nor reduce her graceful frame to ash,
GA: But Immortal, my goddess will ever stand,
GA: As we watch the dying of this land.”
TT: He wrote that for you?
GA: Yeah
GA: Wait Ya Dont Think That Was Actually Sweet Do You
TT: Perhaps a little? Am I not supposed to?
GA: Wasnt Exactly The Reaction I Was Looking For No
TT: Maybe it just seems more cordial because it’s coming from him. It’s so at odds with his typical pomposity.
GA: No Bitch It Lines Up With His Stupid Highblood Racial Narrative Exactly
GA: Ima Give You The Benefit Of The Doubt N Explain What Exactly Is Going On Here
GA: Reread That Fuckin Thing
GA: Does He Actually Mention Anythin Bout My Personality
GA: Or Bout Our Relationship
GA: For Fucks Sake Does He Use Any Motherfuckin Physical Descriptors Besides My Fuckin Skin N Blood Color
GA: No He Does Not
TT: Oh. I think that I understand what you’re saying. He’s fetishizing your blood color, isn’t he?
GA: N Lalonde Barely Avoids Being Placed On The Slow As Fuck List Along With The Other Humans
GA: Yeah This Motherfuckers Got Jade Fever Bad
GA: Got Me Bout A Thousand Fuckin Sonnets N Villanelles N Shit All Based Around The Same Fuckin Thing
GA: My Stupid Fuckin Blood Color N How Rare N Precious I Am For It
GA: Now I Aint Exactly Immune To Superficial Flattery Ill Cop To That
GA: If A Motherfucker Wants To Write About My Body Or My Fashion Sense Or If They Lose Their Goddamn Mind Over My Horns Or Whatever
GA: Then Yeah I Am All Up To Hear About That
GA: But This Shit
GA: Man I Dont Even Think My Body Appeals To Him So Much As The Idea Of Bangin A Jade Blood
GA: Or Not Bangin Her As Its Turned Out So Far
GA: Like What If I Was A Different Blood Color
GA: Hell What If I Was Just A Shade Off Like A Slime Blood Or Somethin
GA: Id Look The Same Id Act The Same Even If I Couldnt Go Outside Durin The Day
GA: But I Get This Sick Feelin That Hed Never Even Notice Me If Not For The Fact That Jade Bloods Aint That Common
GA: Like Im Some Exotic Toy To The Guy
GA: I Mean What Does He Even Think I Think Of Him
GA: Is It Like
GA: “Ooh Mistah Makara Please Dont Violate Me With Your Big Indigo Bulge”
GA: Is That What He Thinks Of Me
GA: I Am So Fuckin Sick Of This Shit
TT: Then why don’t you call it off? If you don’t think that Gamzee likes you for who you are, why are you still involved with him?
GA: Motherfuckin Million Boondollar Question Right There
GA: Honestly If The Game Were Over N If This Whole Fucked Up Political Bullshit Wasnt Goin Down
GA: Then Id Probably Have Ended It By Now
GA: I Think
TT: You think?
GA: Yeah
GA: Its Hella Stupid But
GA: Even Though Our Entire Motherfuckin Relationship Is Based On This Stupid Jade Shit
GA: Sometimes I Think He Shows Me A Part Of Himself He Dont Show To Anybody Else
GA: I Mean Yeah He Aint Perfect
GA: N If Theres Any Good In Him Then Its Probably Buried Under Mountains Of Murderous Rage
GA: But Sometimes I Think That Maybe Hes Just This Huge Dork Inside
GA: N If He Hadnt Been Raised To Believe Hes The Goddamn Ubertroll Then Maybe Hed Be Kinda Cool To Chill With
GA: I Keep Thinkin He Could Get Better One Day But It Never Happens
GA: The Reason I Freaked Out On You When We Was Startin Was Cause I Thought Maybe He Was Finally Loosenin Up Just A Lil Bit
GA: But Nope
GA: Just One More False Hope
GA: Man
GA: Im Pathetic Aint I
TT: No, it’s fairly common to feel an emotional attachment, even in unsatisfactory and abusive relationships. Still, I think that you should think logically about this. Maintaining a relationship to change someone rarely, if ever, works out in my culture. No person can be forced to sincerely change themselves by any outside party; they must decide on that for themselves. My opinion, if I may proffer it, is that if Gamzee is still too embarrassed to acknowledge your relationship in public, then he probably isn’t willing to change for your sake.
GA: Youre Probably Right
GA: Still
TT: You mentioned something about politics earlier. Could you expand on that for me?
GA: Ugh
GA: Do I Gotta
TT: You don’t have to do anything, Kanaya. I was only curious.
GA: Well Fine Might As Well
GA: Basically Before The Game Started N Alternia Went Up In Smoke
GA: There Was A Pretty Damn Successful Rebellion Movement
GA: By Successful I Mean That They Avoided Culling For Like Half A Sweep
GA: Thats Pretty Damn Good For My People
GA: Two Of Their Heavy Hitters
GA: N One Really Hella Irritatin Noob
GA: They All Wound Up In Our Party
GA: When The Game Started We Put Aside All This Civil War Bullshit
GA: But Now That Weve Basically Won Outside Of Ya Know Killin The Demon It Sprung On Us At The Last Minute
GA: Seems That Both Sides Are Schemin Again
GA: N Im Caught In The Middle Of It
GA: Ya Know What A Matriorb Is
TT: Gamzee explained it during the briefing.
GA: Yeah Well I Guess As The Last Jade Blood I Inherited It
GA: Lucky Me
GA: My Blood Color Is Just Droppin Hella Fun Adventures All Up In My Life All The Time
GA: Thing Is Since We All Is The Last Survivors Of The Empire
GA: We Got The Two Camps Wantin To Take Control Of The Matriorb
GA: The Rebels Wanna Start Their New Society With It
GA: N Gamzee N Feferi Wanna Keep Playin At Being The Biggest Dicks In The Species
GA: N Both Of Em Wont Leave Me The Fuck Alone About It
GA: Keep Tryin To Suck Up To Me
GA: Threaten Me
GA: Maybe Even Steal It From Me
GA: All Depends Who Were Talkin About
GA: So Im Trying To Keep It Neutral
GA: Tryin To Act Like The Fuckin Counselor In This Weird Ass Auspisticy Clusterfuck So We Dont All Kill Each Other
GA: So Im Basically Handcuffed To This Stupid Thing All Day Long
GA: N This Thing Is Fuckin Atrocious Lookin I Look Like A Fuckin Basket Case With It All Hangin From My Wrist N Shit
GA: I Hate It So Much
TT: So you aren’t sure who to give it to?
GA: Yes N No
GA: See Even Though I Aint Exactly Fond Of This Thing
GA: I Aint Givin It To Nobody
GA: Its My Responsibility N Ill Own To That Even If Its Drivin Me Fuckin Crazy
GA: But In Terms Of Who To Side With
GA: N Keep This Confidential As Shit
GA: I Guess Itd Be Best If I Hooked Up With The Rebels
GA: I Mean Were Agreed That Gamzee N Feferi Aint Exactly The Most Trustworthy Motherfuckers
GA: But Im Putting It Off For Right Now
GA: You Know I Dont Wanna Start Off A Twelve Person War In The Middle Of All This
GA: An Asteroid Divided Cant Hover For Shit N All That
TT: And you’re sure that you’re hesitating for purely practical reasons? There are no personal motivations in play?
GA: Gurl Why You Gotta Be All Creepy Like That
GA: All Trying To Guess At What Im Feelin N Shit
TT: But you do admit that you are not following through on what you believe to be the moral action because of your interpersonal entanglements?
GA: I Never Said That
TT: It seems implicit to me.
GA: Ugh
GA: Yeah Okay So Maybe I Dont Wanna Throw My Matesprit Under The Public Transportation Apparatus
GA: Is That A Fuckin Crime
GA: These Revolutionaries Aint No Weaklings
GA: Aint No Weaklings Allowed On Alternia
GA: Im Afraid Of What Theyd Do To Him If They Won
GA: Or What Hed Do To Them Before He Went Down
GA: I Dont Wanna See That Chucklehead Hurt Anybody Includin Himself
TT: But you do intend to join them eventually?
GA: Eventually I Guess
GA: Why Do You Even Care
GA: Aint You Supposed To Be Impartial N Shit
TT: All I know is that Gamzee and Feferi are horrible people, at least in my experience. I strive to be nonjudgmental, but I will not conceal or disguise my honest appraisal. If you side with them, your revolutionary friends will die, and then they will remake your society exactly as it was: brutal, ruthless, and xenophobic. If what I’m hearing about your culture is true, then you will have no place in their new world order--and neither will any of your descendants. It remains your decision to make—but were it mine, and I knew that taking this or that action would result in the oppression of my kindred spirits, I would steer away, and try to find a different path.
GA: Sigh
GA: Sometimes I Wish Ya Was More Willin To Bullshit Me
GA: Youre Right
GA: But What The Hell Do I Do
TT: I honestly can’t say. Whatever choice you make won’t be easy. However, I think the most important thing you can do is to talk. I advise that you discuss your feelings with Gamzee, because this kind of relationship is extremely unhealthy in its present state. If you want to take a proactive role in the cross-faction tensions, see if you can sit the two groups down to talk and find some middle ground.
GA: Middle Ground
GA: Do Ya Know How Fuckin Unlikely That Is
TT: Extremely, I imagine. But if you simply allow events to unfold without interference, the end result may be grim indeed. Even the most hopeless of choices is preferable to certain doom. I urge you to think upon that.
GA: Yeah
GA: Ill Do That
GA: About My Transcript
GA: About How Long Does The Typical Session Last
TT: About as long as the one we just had.
GA: The One We Just
GA: Oooooooooh
GA: You Are Sneaky Miss Lalonde
GA: Do Ya Skip The Pages On Ethics When Ya Read Those Psych Textbooks
TT: It’s possible they were mysteriously glued together without my foreknowledge.
GA: Best Be Careful Who Ya Pull That On
GA: They Might Not Be As Forgivin As Me N Then Who Knows
GA: Ya Might Just Get Spanked
TT: I’m still disinterested, Kanaya.
GA: Eh It Was Worth A Shot
GA: So We Do Alright Then
TT: Actually, it was an extremely productive session, if I may say so. I think we’re about done.
TT: Unless there is something else you would like to talk about?
GA: Nah I Think Im Good
GA: I Actually Think I Feel A Lil Better
GA: Gettin All This Off My Chest
GA: So Same Time Next Week
TT: Yes. And once you’ve finished your transcript, be sure to send me a copy so that I may fill in my portion of the dialogue.
TT: Good night, Kanaya.
GA: Yeah Til Next Time
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has logged off --
-- centaursTesticle [CT] has logged on --
CT: D --> So
CT: D --> Here we are once again
CT: D --> Just like old times
GA: Oh For Fucks Sake
CT: D --> How many times must we have this conversation before you see reason
CT: D --> How much longer will it be before you finally saddle up and join the right side
GA: I Aint Joinin No Fuckin Side I Am Strictly Neutral
GA: See This Shit Aint No Sides Here
GA: I Live In The Goddamn Space Between Spaces
GA: Now Can Ya Please Leave Me Alone
CT: D --> Kanaya, this isn’t difficult
CT: D --> You’re being abso100tly 100dicrous right now
CT: D --> I'll admit there aren't e%actly a lot of situations where there's a clear right and wrong
CT: D --> But any idiot can tell that that's not the case here
CT: D --> E%c100ding you, apparently
GA: Man Why Cant You Just Leave Me Alone
CT: D --> 100k, I get that this is a lot to deal with, really I do
CT: D --> And I get that you have feelings for Makara, although I’m goddamned bamboozled as to why
CT: D --> But there are bigger, more important things at stake than your relationship with that monster
CT: D --> For the love of God, PLEASE
CT: D --> Give us the Matriorb
CT: D --> Gamzee won't even have to know until we win the game
GA: Oh Fuck You I Aint Givin Ya Shit
GA: The Matriorb Is My Responsibility Not Yours
CT CT: D --> Yeah, and you're doing one hell of a job with the future of our species
CT: D --> Sitting on the goddamn sidelines while we’re at the most pivotal moment in our culture’s history
CT: D --> When the Matriorb hatches, we can tell all the wigglers the tale of Kanaya the Chickenshit, who bravely fucked them all over and sold their futures for the sake of TROO LUV OH MY
GA: Yeah N Youre Certainly Not Bullshittin Me Bout Understandin Where Im Comin From Are Ya
CT CT: D --> HE
CT: D --> IS
CT: D --> A MONSTER
CT: D --> You will not change him
CT: D --> You will not redeem him
CT: D --> Do I have to get a damn speech amplification device and scream it in your goddamn ear
CT: D --> Fucking Nepeta cud tell you how assinine this is
CT: D --> Does that give you an indicator of how bent your brain pan is
GA: Oh Yeah Equius Its So Easy Yellin At Someone Tellin Them To Throw Their Matesprit To The Goddamn Wolves
GA: Especially When Yous Too Busy To Take Care Of Yer Own Personal Problems
GA: You Still Havent Hashed Things Out With Vriska Have Ya
CT: D --> That is udderly irrelevant to the subject at hand
GA: Sure It Isnt
GA: Cant Have Reality Messin With Mister Zahhaks Messiah Complex Can We
GA: But Lets Say Youre Right
GA: Lets Say Burst A Blood Vessel In My Think Pan N I Go
GA: Gee Whiz I Sure Do Wanna Spend More Time Around Nepeta N Tavros N Hook Up With Team Equius
GA: N Then Fuckin Galactic War VII Kicks Off Up In Here
GA: How The Fuck Do I Know That Gamzees Gonna Be Safe
CT: D --> You don't
CT: D --> We the free people of Alternia-That-Was will not rule out ANY measure of self-defense
CT: D --> And we’ll need to keep all our options open when Gamzee and Feferi flip out
CT: D --> Stop acting like he's some confused little devil who accidentally stumbled up the road to heaven
CT: D --> Gamzee Makara is a man who knows e%actly how insane Pei%es is, and he is a man who has decided to profit from it
CT: D --> He has cast his lot with the oppressors of our people
CT: D --> He has raised himself up upon a throne made from the b100dy corpses of our brothers and sisters
GA: N There Ya Go With Those Weird Ass Made Up Words Again
CT: D --> They are NOT made up, they are stirring and inspurring
CT: D --> Now where was I
CT: D --> Oh yeah
CT: D --> If he will not come down
CT: D --> Then we will BRING him down
CT: D --> IF he chilled out and joined us,
CT: D --> And that is a Green Moon-sized IF
CT: D --> I myself w001ed welcome him with open arms
CT: D --> But that simply is not going to happen
GA: Stop
GA: Actin
GA: So Goddamned Certain About That
GA: You Aint A Goddamn Mind Reader
CT: D --> I don't need to read his mind, Kanaya
CT: D --> I’ve seen the dungeons beneath his hive
CT: D --> I have seen one of the greatest minds of Alternia reduced to the most wretched state imaginable
CT: D --> I have read the scars in that boy’s back
CT: D --> I saw the soul of Gamzee Makara in that poor soul’s blank, staring eyes
CT: D --> I heard the most reliable testimony to his character in his screams
CT: D --> And he was but one of the many, many tragedies whimpering in those cells
CT: D --> I STRONGly doubt you could speak so fondly of this man if you had seen what I have
CT: D --> You are in love with a mirage
CT: D --> Don’t make the rest of your species suffer for it
GA: Please
GA: Please Just Stop Asking Me This
GA: Stop Asking Me To Betray Him
CT: D --> Betray HIM
CT: D --> You’re betraying your ENTIRE SPECIES
CT: D --> You would throw away a chance for a new Alternia where there would be no culling, no hierarchy, no compulsory reproduction
CT: D --> You are smothering the hope of all trollkind in its cradle
CT: D --> And you’re doing it for a monster who doesn’t even appreciate you
GA: Appreciate
GA: Fuckin
GA: Dont Even Play Like This Is About The Future
GA: This Is About Us Aint It
GA: You Miss Us
CT: D --> Are you serious
CT: D --> Are you honestly so blind that you can only see this as one big crappy romance
CT: D --> I dont need to feel jealous of Makara to hate him
GA: But It Certainly Helps Dont It
GA: Dont It
CT: D --> ...You know what
CT: D --> You just keep believing whatever you want to believe
CT: D --> If you’re so certain I’m doing this because of some adolescent jealousy, as opposed to doing it because it’s the right thing to do,
CT: D --> Then I can’t stop you
CT: D --> But let me tell you this Kanaya
CT: D --> The time is coming soon when we will all have to choose a side
CT: D --> And if you choose to join with him
CT: D --> If you choose to sell our brothers and sisters into bondage for your own selfish desires
CT: D --> Trust me
CT: D --> You WILL be against the wall when the Revo100tion arrives
CT: D --> And I will do whatever is necessary to make sure no Highb100d EVER does what he has done
CT: D --> Never again
-- centaursTesticle [CT] has logged off –-
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] –-
GA: Rose
TT: Kanaya, our next session doesn’t begin for another six days.
GA: I Know
GA: Its Just
GA: I Know Youll Say You Never Judge Me Cuz Youre Professional N Junk
GA: But Do You Like Me
TT: Kanaya, I’ve already told you, I’m not interested.
GA: Fuck That
GA: I Dont Mean Like That I Just Mean Do You Like Me As A Person
GA: Do You Like Me Beyond What Youre Required To As A Shrink
TT: I suppose if I like you, if only as a friend.
GA: Am I A Good Person
TT: Well, you’re flawed, much like everyone is, but, to answer the question, yes, I do earnestly believe that you’re fundamentally good.
GA: I Guess At Least One Person Thinks So