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When Barry first came to work at STAR Labs, he had taken his time in learning about each of the people that worked there. He truly treasured and appreciated his new found friends, and wanted to make sure that he was someone that they were happy to be around.
Caitlin was someone that took a long time to get used to Barry. But, when she did, Barry really enjoyed being around her, and the two of them found each other going on causal trips to Jitters. Barry wasn't sure when the tradition started, but Caitlin always wanted to get Cisco some coffee, and one day Barry joined her.
He really enjoyed spending time with Caitlin, not only was she an incredible person, but she told him all about the other members of Team Flash, not gossip, but little facts that made Barry more confident that he knew them.
He learned that Harrison Wells liked keeping to himself, and that any mention of Tess would make him unhappy. The man didn’t mind being in a wheelchair, but wished that the public would forgive STAR Labs. Barry, with this knowledge, knew how to interact with his mentor even more, which he knew was valuable for their relationship.
Caitlin talked often about Ronnie, and it was as if every word she spoke about him made Barry wish that he knew him. He was friendly with everyone, always finding the best in the worst situations, and being the one who would do the hard tasks. He was much like Cisco’s older brother, and Ronnie, Caitlin, and Cisco were like one big family.
Cisco. Now that was a guy that Barry couldn’t seem to connect with.
Despite seeing each other every day, and Cisco being friendly enough, the two would never talk more than needed. It was as if Cisco hovered just arm’s reach away from Barry, watching the speedster anxiously, as if Barry would strike him at any moment if he wasn’t careful.
Cisco wasn’t like this around Caitlin, but there was some hesitation around Dr. Wells, but the kind scientist didn’t mind. Barry had assumed that Cisco was just shy, but everything about him screamed that he wasn’t. When Cisco was far away from everyone, he could carry a conversation expertly, and he loved to talk to Barry about movies. But, sometimes it was as if a switch had been flipped, and he became anxious again, rushing out of the room as soon as he could.
Caitlin never talked about him. Barry wasn’t sure if it was because she didn’t notice his actions, didn’t want to acknowledge it, or maybe that it wasn’t a problem at all. Maybe Barry was just expecting the amazing, genius Cisco Ramon to be different somehow.
“Hey, Caitlin? Why doesn’t Cisco ever come and get coffee with us? Since you get coffee for him anyways.” He asked as they waited in the long Jitters line one day, the buzz of conversation surrounding them.
Caitlin looked at him with wide eyes, biting her lip. Barry could tell she was a bit uneasy, and she turned to the person in front of her, avoiding his gaze.
“He doesn’t like crowds.” She said simply, and Barry frowned. It was as if her whole attitude changed, like she didn’t want to talk to him about it.
Maybe there was something up with Cisco.
The two of them got their coffee, sitting down in one of the seats near the windows, a clean table in front of them. Caitlin put her purse on the table and sat down with a sigh. Barry didn’t know what to say, him bringing up Cisco made this whole situation uncomfortable.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean一” He started, but she shook her head.
“No, it’s a good question. I can’t believe that I was too silly to think that you wouldn’t notice.”
“Notice what?”
Caitlin held her coffee cup, deep worry on her face.
“Listen. I’m sure you’ve seen his…anxious behavior.”
Barry nodded, his drink long forgotten. “I just assumed he wasn’t comfortable around people.”
“Cisco…he does like people, especially people he shares similar interests with, like you. But…he has a hard time establishing these relationships, or getting close. Literally.”
Barry stayed silent as Caitlin fumbled with her words considerately.
“Barry…I want to be honest with you, but we only want people who are going to be there for him to know. Can you promise me that?”
“Absolutely. He’s a part of Team Flash, I would never let anyone, or anything, hurt him.” He didn’t have time to be offended by the question, as she visibly relaxed at the assurance.
“Okay. Well, Cisco was abused as a kid. By his father.”
Barry felt a lump in his throat develop, and he took a sip of coffee to try and get rid of it.
“How bad was it?”
“Bad. Cisco got away from it when he was 18, but the effects never disappeared. He’s going to therapy, but it clearly isn’t helping as much as we would like it to.”
“What’s his diagnosis? PTSD?”
“No. It’s assumed that he has haphephobia.”
Barry’s eyes widened. “What’s that?”
Caitlin frowned, unshed tears shining in her eyes. “The fear of touch. He’s absolutely terrified of any sort of physical touch. Which is horrible, because he’s such a nice guy. Whenever someone touches him, he associates it with his father, and panics.”
Barry breathed out, concern and sadness burning in his chest. “Wow…I didn’t know…”
“We try not to tell everyone, we’ve had employees at STAR Labs pat his back and stuff even more when they found out. It took the particle accelerator exploding for Cisco to finally feel a bit safer at work.”
“Why didn’t he go somewhere else, then?”
“He was scared that no matter where he could go he would be faced with it, and then, if he stayed, he had me. Ronnie too, before…you know. He was very comfortable around Ronnie, we both understood his fears and helped him as much as we could.”
Barry didn’t have the stomach for his coffee anymore, pushing it away.
“I can’t believe it. Humans need touch. How is he still going?”
“Sometimes he holds my hand, but not for long. I feel like that it’s because he really trusts me, and he’s severely touch-starved.”
Caitlin let out another heavy sigh, wiped the tears from her eyes and stood up. “Ready to go?”
Barry stood up numbly, trying to process the information he had learned. Being abused by your own father would be hard enough, but being terrified of human, physical touch because of it? Barry couldn’t imagine how muchy Cisco struggled every single day.
As they walked out, Barry glanced at all of the people and frowned. “Is that why he avoids crowds?”
“He avoids any situation that he can that could involve touch, even if it's just a simple bump on the shoulder. Something like crowds would really increase the chances of that, and send him right into a panic attack. I’ve seen it before and it can get really bad. He doesn’t even like thinking about crowds.”
Barry nodded, not knowing what else to say. He never expected this. When he asked about Cisco, he didn’t think that he would learn Cisco’s biggest struggle.
What Barry wanted to know was how he could help him, but he wasn’t sure that he could. How can you help someone who you can’t touch? Who wouldn’t even go near you?
But, Barry was a hero, he would figure it out. It would be his goal, it had to be. Cisco deserved that much.
---------------------------------------------
Cisco watched hesitantly as Dr. Wells came around the desk with his wheelchair, the quiet hum filling the quiet space. He knew that the man wouldn’t touch him, he knew better than that, but Cisco still scooted his chair further away, taking the keyboard with him.
“Are you still waiting on the coffee, Cisco?’ Dr. Wells asked calmly, and Cisco nodded.
“Yup.”
Dr. Wells nodded, making his way out of the Cortex, leaving Cisco alone. He let out a breath, clutching some strands of hair that fell from where it was tucked behind his ear.
Today was a rough day. He had them sometimes, when the need for a hug or a handshake or something was too strong for him to handle, but the thought of doing it sent blind panic through his mind. He could feel his breaths quicken at the thought, but forced himself to calm down. No one was here. No one could touch him. He was safe.
Cisco turned his attention back to the computer, ignoring how his hands shook as he typed on the computer, trying to banish the anxious feelings he faced.
It didn’t take long for Caitlin and Barry’s conversation to echo through the halls of STAR Labs and flood into the Cortex, talk about a recent discovery flooding Cisco’s ears. Cisco stiffened and got up, picking up his phone and went to the corner of the room, knowing that Barry might want to come up behind him and pat his shoulder. As much as Cisco wanted to appreciate the friendliness, he couldn’t handle it. Not today, not ever.
After situating himself in another chair, Barry and Caitlin walked in, Barry giving Cisco a quick, worried glance before making his way into the medical bay, far away from Cisco. The engineer could feel his muscles loosen as the speedster walked away, visibly relaxing.
Caitlin noticed him calm down and made her way over to him, pulling over a chair and sitting an arm's distance from him. She gave a tight smile and set his coffee on a table. Cisco got up once it was clear that Caitlin wouldn’t move, taking it gratefully. Once he sat down again , he began feeling uncertain. Caitlin was never this quiet after getting coffee with Barry.
“I need to tell you something, Cisco.” She said softly, and Cisco nodded.
“Okay.”
She took a deep breath. “I told Barry.”
Cisco froze. “What? About…me?”
She nodded. “Yeah. He asked about it, and I thought it was best that I was honest with him.”
Cisco felt his mouth go dry. “I….what if he’s like Hartley? As soon as he found out he began to hug me and stuff! I can’t handle that again!”
Caitlin tried to reach for his hand, but his flinch told her to pull it away. “Cisco, I know why you’re scared, what Hartley did to you was horrible. But, it’s Barry. Not only is he a hero, but he would never hurt you. And, now that he knows, he’ll never try to hug you or anything.”
Cisco huffed, pulling his knees to his chest. “Knowing about it doesn’t make them stop.”
Caitlin sighed. “I know, but when Dr. Wells touches your shoulder, he does it on instinct, he doesn't want to actually hurt you.”
“Sometimes it feels intentional.”
“Cisco, you can trust Barry. I trust him. And, it might be good for him to know, that way he can help you.”
“You know that he can’t, it took a year for Ronnie to be able to help me, even longer for you.”
“I think we both know that Barry’s going to be around for longer than that. He’s the kind of guy that sticks around, and that’s something that we both could use.”
It was obvious to tell that Cisco wasn’t happy, his body was tense and his frown deep. Caitlin got up and let him be, shaking her head sadly at Barry, who stood in the doorway awkwardly. Barry frowned in understanding, watching as Cisco ducked his head into his knees.
“Should I…” He whispered, and Caitlin frowned.
“Just leave him be for now.” She replied, putting her hair behind her ear. Once it was clear that Barry wouldn’t make a move to talk to Cisco, she left the room, hoping that Cisco wouldn’t hate her for what she did.
Barry hovered to the side as Cisco curled in on himself even further, Dr. Wells wheeling into the room. The older man glanced between the two men, understanding flashing across his face.
“You know, Barry?”
The speedster nodded.
“Good, it’s definitely something that we shouldn’t keep secret.”
Barry opened his mouth to reply, but Cisco abruptly got to his feet, and rushed out of the room, tears in his eyes. Barry headed to go and chase him down, but Wells held up his hand to stop him.
“What you will learn, Barry, is that when Cisco doesn’t want to be around people he shouldn't be.”
Barry noticed that something shifted in Dr. Well’s eyes, from compassion to something…dark. But the sight was gone as quickly as it came, and Barry passed it off as concern.
-----------------------------------
Barry made sure that he would allow enough room between him and Cisco whenever they talked, and he hoped that Cisco was getting more comfortable around him, but he couldn’t be sure.
Luckily, Caitlin had talked to Cisco about what had happened, and the two made up. It seemed like Cisco was also making an effort to become better friends with Barry, despite his fear, which the speedster appreciated.
Barry hadn’t even realized how hard it was to gain a relationship with someone you couldn’t touch. The friendly touches on the shoulder, high-fives…all of it would send Cisco straight into a panic attack. Barry knew that he himself was a guy who expressed love with physical touch, and it hurt him to resist giving Cisco a hug when he appeared that he needed it. Or even give a pat of encouragement on his back.
He wanted to make things better, maybe even go out of his way to spend time with Cisco alone, trying to gain a good friendship with the amazing guy he worked with. But, there were some problems with his plan.
They couldn’t go anywhere where other people would be. Cisco was terrified of crowds, and, like Caitlin had said, even the thought of being around people petrified him. So they couldn’t go to the bar, get coffee, or see a movie. Barry considered asking if Cisco wanted to watch a movie at Barry’s house, but he still lived with Joe, so he wasn’t sure if it was the best idea. Joe still didn’t know about Cisco being afraid of touch, so Barry didn’t want to risk anything.
Finally, he got an idea.
“Hey, Cisco!” Barry called as Cisco walking into the Cortex. The engineer smiled and caught a water bottle that Barry had thrown at him, sitting behind the computer.
“What’s up?”
Barry smiled. “I was wondering if you wanted to go to the park later? Maybe get some coffee and just chat?”
Cisco froze, and Barry quickly backpedaled, instantly realizing what made Cisco so scared.
“Wait, before you panic, we would go to the park when not many people would be there, and I would get the coffee for us. You wouldn’t have to go anywhere with any crowds, I promise.”
Cisco considered the offer hesitantly, taking some deep breaths.
“Are you sure there won’t be a crowd?”
“I promise. I’ll even scout out the area if you want me too.”
The engineer smiled a bit. “Sure.”
It didn’t take long for Cisco and Barry to find a secluded park that had a coffee shop nearby, and, after waiting a couple of hours for it to get darker, the two made their way outside.
Barry could tell that Cisco didn’t get out much, he eyed every stranger with worry, holding his arms close to his chest, like if he was smaller he wouldn’t be touched.
Once they got to the park, a nice, green field with a kids playground and a basketball court, it was dusk, and only a few dog walkers could be seen. Barry ran around the area, checking for any huge groups, and quickly grabbed coffee. When he returned, Cisco was sitting on a bench. He shifted over when Barry came over, leaving enough space for a lack of touch and for their coffees to sit.
“Good news, rather than us there are only a couple other people.”
Cisco nodded in response, not saying a word.
Barry couldn’t help but notice that Cisco still didn’t seem comfortable, despite the lack of people, so Barry shifted over even more. Cisco frowned.
“It’s not you, Barry, don’t worry.”
“Why are you nervous, then? Do you want to go back?”
Cisco shook his head. “No…this is really nice. But something just feels wrong.”
Barry didn’t know how to reply to that, and chose to blame it one Cisco’s nerves. He took a quick sip of his coffee, thinking.
“What’s it like, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“What’s what like?”
Barry gestured to Cisco’s hands, which were still held close to himself. “Being afraid of…you know. Touch.”
Cisco sighed. “It’s…I don’t know. Paralyzing, I guess. You feel like you can’t live your life, because you might touch someone. And, when you do touch someone…it’s bad.”
“What does it feel like?”
He shrugged. “Sometimes it feels like a burning, maybe a tingling sensation, but other times it’s like my dad’s hand…I don’t know, it varies. I’m not really in control when it happens, you know?”
Barry nodded. "I just wish you didn’t have to go through it. Any of it.”
“Thanks. I wish I didn’t have to go through it, either.”
Barry opened his mouth to say more, but a blur of yellow and red flashed across their vision. Barry and Cisco both jumped to their feet, the Reverse Flash standing in front of them, his face blurred yet confident.
“Hello, Flash. Cisco.”
Cisco reached for his phone, but the Reverse Flash ran and grabbed it from his hand, leather gloves touching Cisco’s skin, and shoved him aside in the process. Cisco’s eyes widened as soon as he made contact, and the villain had returned to his original stance as Cisco flinched, breaths coming in short gasps.
Barry’s attention was divided between his panicked friend and his foe in front of him, unsure what to do. But, all of Thawne’s focus was on the engineer that’s face was now pale and sweaty.
“Does it hurt, Cisco? Like hot fire on your skin?”
Barry let out a frustrated yell, running towards Thawne and letting the speedforce course through his body. In less than a second the two speedsters were in battle, running while throwing punches, Barry trying everything he could to win.
Both exchanged blows, but it was evident that the Reverse Flash’s attention wasn’t on Barry, beating The Flash wasn’t his goal. Barry didn’t want to think about what his goal was.
It didn’t take long for the two speedsters to circle back to where Cisco was. The mechanic was on the ground, hyperventilating, clutching his knees to his chest as he rocked back and forth.
“Cisco!” Barry exclaimed, but the Reverse Flash shoved him to the ground and punched his torso over and over again, sending him falling into the dirt. Barry tried to get up, but he felt a sharp pain in his chest, crying out in pain. He watched helplessly as the Reverse Flash made his way to Cisco, clutching him by the shirt and grabbing Cisco’s arm harshly. Cisco began shaking, his teary eyes shining in the dim light.
The Reverse Flash was clearly enjoying watching Cisco suffer, the smaller man fighting to get out of his grip, and Barry knew he had to do something. Pushing through the pain, Barry got up and pushed the Man in Yellow with all the force he could, punching him in the face. Cisco dropped to the ground as the Reverse Flash fell back, his vibrating face seemingly showing signs of joy. Barry watched him, anticipating his next move.
“You can’t always be the hero, Flash.” He said, and ran off, red lighting in his wake. As soon as the Reverse Flash left, Barry rushed over to Cisco, who was curled in on himself on the ground, his black hair a messy halo around his head.
His breaths were rapid and short, inhales coming harsh and desperate. He was covered in sweat, tears falling down his cheeks as he gasped for breath.
“Hey, hey, Cisco, just breathe!” Barry said, gripping Cisco’s shoulders and helping him sit up.
Barry didn’t realize his mistake until it was too late.
Cisco flinched away from him, shaking hand held out to protect himself from Barry.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I completely forgot!”
Cisco turned away from him and began dry-heaving into the grass, panicked cries laced with pain coming from his mouth in between gasps.
Barry had no clue what to do. Absolutely no clue.
Instinctively he pulled out his phone, dialing the only person who he thought of in the terrible moment.
“Joe! How do I stop someone from having a panic attack? From hyperventilating?”
“What? Barry, what’s going on?” Joe’s voice came through the speaker, confused and concerned.
“It’s Cisco, he’s really panicking and I don’t know what to do! I can’t touch him or I’ll make it even worse!”
“Okay, Barry, calm down, if you’re panicking he won’t get any calmer. Just try and talk him out of it, if you can’t touch him it’s the only thing you can do.”
Barry watched as Cisco proceeded to close his eyes tightly and begin to sob, the speedster kneeling beside him and keeping his hands to himself, resisting the urge to rub Cisco’s back for comfort.
“Hey, Cisco, just breathe for me, okay? You’re safe, no one is going to touch you. The Reverse Flash is gone.” It took everything in Barry’s power to keep his voice calm and collected, as he was terrified for his friend. He put his phone back to his ear, hoping that Joe hadn't hung up the phone.
“Joe? Could you meet us at the park near the river?”
“Can’t you just run him here? Or STAR Labs?”
“No one’s at STAR Labs right now, and I can’t touch him at all. You’re going to need to drive here.”
“I’m on my way now, Bar.”
With that Barry turned off the call, turning his attention back to Cisco, who had stopped heaving, clutching his hands to his head.
“It’s okay, Cisco, I’m here. I’m not leaving, and I promise I won’t touch you again.”
Cisco nodded in response, and Barry couldn’t help but be thankful that he heard him. Cisco still cried, but it was silent, hesitant breaths replacing the rushed breaths he took not moments before.
Barry sat down beside Cisco, holding his hurt chest as he kept an eye on his friend. He could tell that running without his suit had done some damage to his clothes, but he didn’t care about that. All that mattered was Cisco.
As Cisco took his time to calm down, Barry contemplated how the Reverse Flash might know about Cisco’s fear. The attack seemed deliberate, like he wanted to trigger Cisco. But why? And how would he even know?
“Barry?” Cisco muttered, and the speedster perked up.
“Hey, are you back with me?”
“I think so, maybe. It still hurts. And I feel like I’m going to puke.”
Barry couldn’t help but wince at that. “Well, if you’re going to, you might want to do it now. Joe’s not going to appreciate vomit in his vehicle.”
Cisco nodded slowly, peeling open his eye lids and looking at Barry warily.
“Can you maybe move? You’re a bit close.” Cisco’s face paled even more, and Barry backed away desperately, guilt rooting even deeper in his chest.
“Yes! Yes, absolutely! I’m so sorry!”
Cisco didn’t have anything to say to that, and chose to turn to the side and close his eyes once again.
It didn’t take long for Joe’s police cruiser to show up across the park, the older man making his way to them with fatherly concern.
“Barry! Cisco! Are you too okay?”
Barry nodded, getting to his feet. “The Reverse Flash attacked us, I think I broke a rib or two but Cisco received the brute of it.”
Joe cast a worried glance at Cisco on the ground. “What happened?”
“I’ll explain later. We just have to get him somewhere else more comfortable. Don’t touch him, though.”
Joe seemed confused by the request, but followed Barry’s orders and chose to hover over Cisco, the younger man tensing at his presence.
“Cisco? We need to get you into the car, okay? Can you get up?”
Cisco nodded weakly, and Barry pulled Joe away, giving Cisco the space he needed to get up. The younger man gripped his own arms desperately, tear stains on his ashen face.
Joe led them to the car, Barry walking beside Cisco yet far enough away that the engineer wouldn’t panic. The walk was long, the two constantly checking on Cisco, who walked slowly and never said a word.
When they reached the vehicle, Barry opened the door to the back seat and gestured for Cisco to get in. Thankfully he did without hesitation, but as soon as Barry went to go sit in the passenger seat he let out a strangled noise that sounded like a whine.
“Cisco?”
“Could…could you maybe sit back here?”
Barry frowned. “Are you sure? We would be sitting close.”
“Please?” His voice was weak and desperate, so Barry knew that he had to listen. Hoping that Cisco wouldn't get triggered, he slid in beside him, letting Joe sit alone in the front.
Although Cisco pressed himself closer to the window, he managed to relax his body, taking deep, practiced breaths. Joe began driving and took it slow, unwilling to go fast and scare Cisco. Although he didn’t fully understand what happened, it was clear that Cisco was in a fragile spot, so he wanted to make the trip home as smooth as possible.
“I think that’s the most physical contact I’ve had in nearly a year.” Cisco whispered with a chuckle, but it wasn’t humorous, it was muttered in shock. Barry looked at him, eyes full of understanding.
Even in his troubled mind, Cisco could tell what Barry was going to say.
“I’ll be fine, Barry.”
“I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear that, Cisco. You really worried me there.”
“I was really worried too, believe me. That was scary.”
Joe piped up from the front seat. “Why did he go after you too, anyways? You weren't even dressed as The Flash.”
“I think he wanted to hurt Cisco, but I’m not sure how he knew what would hurt him the most.”
“Well, whatever the reason may be, you guys are going to have to be more cautious in public now.”
Cisco sighed, closing his eyes once again. “I’m never going out in public again.”
Barry frowned. “I’m sorry. I convinced you to come with me.”
“It was nice while it lasted.”
Joe finally pulled into the West’s garage, and the three of them headed into the house. Cisco sat down on the couch without another word, and Joe cast a concerned glance at him. Never had he seen the young engineer so distant and unfocused.
“Alright, Cisco, I know it’s early in the night but you need to sleep.” Joe said, taking charge in a fatherly way. “You’re going to sleep in Iris’ old room, and I’ll come up and check on you every so often, okay?”
Cisco nodded weakly. “Sure.”
“And, Barry, I’m going to check your ribs. I may not be a doctor but I can tell when something is wrong.”
Barry touched his chest tenderly. “It only hurts a bit, but I don’t think anything is broken anymore.”
“Nonetheless, I’m checking.”
Barry knew that he couldn’t stop Joe when he set his mind to it, so he stopped protesting. Cisco shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
“Should we tell Caitlin what happened?”
“I will.” Barry replied. “I’ll tell her everything.”
Joe set down a cup of water and let Cisco take it and drink it carefully.
“Do you want Caitlin to come here? I can call her right now if you want.”
Cisco shook his head no. “I think you’re handling it just fine. I think I just need to go to bed.”
Joe went to take Cisco’s hand to help him up, causing Cisco to flinch, and Barry pushed his arm down, pulling Joe away from Cisco.
“Barry…”
“Just give him some space.” Barry said, and Joe sighed.
“Bar, you have to tell me what’s going on.”
Barry lowered his voice, knowing that Joe had to know but that Cisco probably wouldn’t like it.
“He’s terrified of physical touch.”
His foster father’s eyes widened. “Really?”
“Yeah. It’s bad. So you can’t touch him, or be near him, at all.”
“Okay. Could you lead him upstairs, then? He seems like he trusts you a bit more than me.”
Barry glanced back over at Cisco, who was staring at the floor, distant. He remembered how desperately Cisco wanted him to sit with him in the back seat, maybe Cisco was beginning to trust him. Yet Barry wouldn’t be too hopeful. It took a long time for Cisco to get used to Caitlin’s close presence, so it would take some time for Barry’s, too.
Barry made his way over to Cisco and put on a smile. “Ready?”
Cisco tried to mirror the smile, yet it clearly showed his exhaustion. “Definitely.”
Barry led him to Iris’ room, giving Cisco some of his spare clothes, which swamped Cisco but it was better than Cisco’s clothes that were dirty from when he laid on the ground. After Barry quickly changed the bedsheets, Cisco flopped onto the bed and sighed.
“Comfy?” Barry asked, and Cisco nodded tiredly. “Have a good sleep.” With that he turned away, but Cisco’s timid voice called him back.
“Barry?”
“Yeah?”
Cisco met Barry’s eyes, pure gratefulness and hope reflected in them.
“Thank you.”
“Always. I’m not going to let your struggles get in the way of our friendship. I never will.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”