Archive of Our Own ^beta

Ezreal had a plan.

His parents may not have been impressed enough by his many - MANY - well-documented adventures and archaeological exploits, but he had a plan! He knew what his parents expected of him and what he could do to earn their affection.

He would get himself a girlfriend. A very attractive girlfriend. A girlfriend so amazingly attractive that other men stopped on the street to stare at her and be impressed by how hot his girlfriend was.

Now, this was an adventure he was not prepared for. In all of his travels, the topic of women never really crossed his mind. He was busy focusing on the spirit of adventure - and, of course, keeping the company of the many male bedfellows he had met across Runeterra.

It was just a work thing, of course. He found men easier to travel with. He found men more attractive and more comforting.

Ezreal was, however, never one to back down on a challenge. He would find himself a girlfriend.

And he would head into the most famous bar in Zaun to do it.

…

Ezreal smiled as he entered The Lavandula. This bar was a mountain he was ready to scale.

However, climbing a mountain was a two-person activity. He had to have a partner, an ally, a companion! A wingman to help him seduce women - and with whom Ezreal would have a reasonable amount of sexual chemistry with personally, to help make others jealous, of course.

Ezreal did a quick scan of the room and settled on his partner of choice: a young Zaunite man with white hair.

“Greetings!” Ezreal told the man. “I am Ezreal. Adventurer extraordinaire! Hero of Piltover. Traveller of Runeterra! Some know me as a Sentinel of Light, while others call me the Aspect of the Wanderer… but you, my fine sir, can call me… Partner.”

The man stared back at him for a few moments.

“Wow. That’s… a lot,” he replied.

Ezreal smirked. “I’ve been told that I am quite a lot indeed.”

The man just shrugged. “Well. I’ve heard worse pick-up lines. The name’s Ekko. Nice to meet you.”

Ezreal shook Ekko’s hand. “The pleasure is all mine. So, Ekko dear, what quest brings you to this establishment today? Did the siren song of women tempt you here as well?”

Ekko laughed. “You mean Seraphine? Eh. I could take or leave her music to be honest, but my pal Zeri?” Ekko gestured towards the back of the club. “She’s… a very big fan of Sera’s, if you get my drift.”

Ezreal squinted and saw a green-haired woman talking to the famous pink-haired popstar. They seemed to be using a special form of communication, unknown to Ezreal, as Zeri had pressed her lips directly against Seraphine’s mouth. Ezreal turned away from the pair of close friends, blushing.

“They should be careful. If I didn’t know better, I’d think they were making out in public.”

Ekko raised an eyebrow. “Yeah. Almost looks that way, huh… So… What brings you to Zaun, Ezreal?”

Ezreal smiled triumphantly. “I am here to get myself a girlfriend and finally make my parents proud of me, of course.”

Ekko’s face contorted into an expression that, had Ezreal not known better, could almost be described as a “cringing.”

“Uh. Ezreal. You want to find… a girlfriend?”

“Yes.”

“In here?”

“At this bar, yes.”

“Ezreal.”

“That is my name.”

“Yeah, uh… You know what kind of bar this is, right?”

Ezreal shot back a cheeky grin. “A popular one. After all, Seraphine is performing here tonight.”

“Yeah, it is popular. It’s also a gay bar.”

“A what?”

“A gay bar. For queer people. Guys, gals, and non-binary pals.”

“Oh.” Ezreal responded. “In that case, this has been a fatal error on my end. For I am straight.”

“Really?”

“Yes. What have I said tonight that could possibly make you think I am not straight?”

Ekko opened and closed in his mouth, with no sound coming out. Probably because Ekko could not think of anything that Ezreal had said or done that night that would indicate Ezreal is queer.

And yet Ekko spoke nonetheless.

“Among other things… You mentioned you were an Aspect?”

Ezreal scoffed. “What is queer about being an Aspect?”

“Well, nothing intrinsically, but… I dunno. It just seems like all Aspects end up being queer, I guess.”

“Name one queer aspect!”

“Taric?”

“Name two queer aspects!”

“Leona and Diana?”

“Name three queer aspects of different orientations and identities!”

“The Traveler is trans, Atreus loves men, and Kayle is asexual.”

“Damn.” Ezreal replied. “You’re a clever one.”

Ekko shrugged. “Thanks, I guess?”

Before Ezreal could continue to counter Ekko’s ridiculous suggestion, the door to the bar swung open and in walked the most beautiful woman Ezreal had ever seen in his life.

Well, Ezreal didn’t really know if she was beautiful - he didn’t see women as attractive in general, which is probably just a sign of how much of a gentleman he is - but she was rich, so that probably meant something?

“Aha! It seems my luck has once again been on my side. For a beautiful heterosexual woman has just walked into this very fine establishment!”

“You're talking about... Luxanna Crownguard?”

“Yes.”

“You think she’s straight?”

“Of course.”

Ekko stared at Ezreal with intense confusion. “Are we talking about the same Luxanna Crownguard? The one who was ostracized from her family for a trait of hers that she is unable to change - causing her to realize that leaving her family and finding a new community of individuals who share her identity is the only path for her to obtain true happiness?”

“The one who was ostracized from her family for having rainbow powers, yes? Why? You don’t think there’s anything queer about her life story, do you?”

Ekko just sat there confused. Ezreal, having obviously used his cunning intellect to stun Ekko into silence, decided to shoot his shot and ask Luxanna out.

“Greetings Luxanna!” he said, walking up to the mage. “It is nice to see you here.”

Lux glanced at him and her brows furrowed. “Sorry. Have we met before?”

Ezreal shot her his best seductive grin. “Would you like to?”

Lux’s confusion worsened. “Would I like to have met you before? I… don’t know. How would that work? Would it mean we would have already met? Would I gain memories of you from my past?” Lux let out an excited gasp. “Is that how time-travel works?”

Ekko, having apparently escaped the trappings of his own mind, approached the pair. “No. That is not how time-travel works. Sorry about my friend, Lux. He was just really… eager to meet you.”

Lux just sighed. “And I was so looking forward to the time-travel…”

Ezreal cleared his throat. “Luxanna Crownguard… Do you feel love in the air, like I do? Are you the person I have been searching for all my life?”

Lux’s eyes bulged. “Oh no! Have you been looking for me? Sorry, the entire ‘mage persecution’ thing from my home country has made me adopt a rather nomadic lifestyle… What did you need? Is it something important? Or… Wait… Are you a stalker? As my brother wouldn’t want me talking to stalkers…”

“I’m not a stalker!” Ezreal explained, beginning to panic. “I just think you’re really pretty and -”

“That’s just what a stalker would say!” Lux countered.

“He’s not a stalker.” Jinx replied. “He only just arrived in Zaun, so he can’t have been following you around all week.”

“Thank you for vouching for me, Jinx,” Ezreal replied. “Wait… JINX! WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?!?!”

“The rafters,” Jinx replied, casually.

“The… rafters? Like… you’ve been sitting in the rafters? Watching us?!?!”

“Yeah. I just had to make sure you didn’t say anything weird to Lux.”

“Why would I say anything weird to Lux? Or anyone, for that matter.”

“You’ve said a lot of weird things to me,” Ekko countered.

“Well, yeah, but you’re you .”

“Oh!” Lux replied, gesturing at Ekko and Ezreal. “Are you two dating?”

“What? No!” Ezreal rebutted. “Why would you think we’re dating? Lux. I am trying to confess my love to you!”

“You are?” Lux asked, sounding depressingly genuine in her surprise.

“Yes! Of course!” Ezreal replied.

“But you don’t even know me!”

Ezreal held out a hand. “I know you are the most beautiful girl I have ever met.”

Jinx batted his hand away. “Please. Stop with the cliches. I know that Lux is the most caring girl I have ever met. Her face is pretty, sure, but her heart is even more so.”

“For you, Jinx?” Ezreal. “That sounds like a low bar...”

“Please don’t bully Powder, Ezreal...” Ekko replied. “She’s already having a rough week after Zeri confiscated all her grenades.”

Jinx groaned with frustrated. “Apparently blowing up Renata Glasc’s ventilator factory would be ‘bad’. I don’t know what her problem is - Glasc is a capitalist and, therefore, violence against her is inherently ethical.”

“You should steal all the ventilators from it and give them out to people, if anything.” Ekko countered.

Jinx shrugged. “Wealth retribution, destroying all wealth. Potato, potato. It's a personal preference.”

Ezreal turned back to Lux. “Look. Lux. You’re pretty. I’m pretty. Let’s go out. Let’s hold hands in public. Let’s be together so that my parents will see that we’re dating and they’ll finally be willing to tell me they’re proud of me?”

“Or you could date me!” Jinx counter-offered. “Come with me and we can break into Vayne’s house and replace all of her shampoo with rainbow hair dye.”

“Oh!” Lux replied, eyes sparkling with excitement. “And then she’ll realize the joy of rainbows and will stop trying to kill all mages and magical beings, so we can all be friends forever?”

Jinx winked. “Y’know, I was thinking it’d be more of a prank scenario, but maybe? And, if it doesn't work, we can always just blow shit up together!”

Jinx held out her hand and Lux took it, the two running out of the bar excitedly. 

Ekko put a sympathetic hand on Ezreal’s shoulder.

“Sorry you didn’t get your totally-heterosexual rainbow mage, buddy.”

Ezreal sighed. “It’s okay… She probably wouldn’t have liked me anyway. I think you may be right about the kind of person she fancies...”

Ezreal’s eyes wandered to the back of the bar, where Seraphine and Zeri continued to smash their faces together.

“So… Are those two communicating with some sort of special lip-locked language?”

“Oh. Geez. No, they’re just making out.” Ekko replied.

“Shame… I was going to ask you to teach me to speak that language…”

Ekko cocked his head inquisitively. “Are you… asking to make out with me?”

Ezreal shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe my parents would be proud of me for… coming out?”

“Ezreal? It sounds like your parents should fuck off. Be proud of yourself. On your own terms.”

Ezreal smiled.

He may not have gotten what he set out for, but he got what he may have secretly wanted the whole time…

And that has to count as another successful adventure, right?