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Anakin was… exhausted.
Bone deep, achingly tired.
His most recent campaign in the outer rim had drawn out into a blood bath- he had lost so many good soldiers; good men.
And for what?
Feeling each of their Force signatures, filled with light, snuffing out one by one as Dooku pointed his droid armies out to them, endless metal and glinting blasters…
Anakin had been granted reprieve in the temple. Even if it had only been a month since his last visit, it felt like it had been years. Walking through the halls, he had memories of what he had been like…a different man.
A happy one, maybe…he had been happy, once.
Anakin let his feet take him to the council chambers, barely able to give Rex a farewell before the world around him became a dull spectacle.
Every battle they had engaged in had left him scarred. If not in body, then in mind: his tunnel vision had been the only way he had been able to focus on swinging his saber to meet that next blow, to step over the fallen bodies, the smell of blood, the screams-
He stopped in front of the council doors, raising his shaking fist to knock.
“Enter.”
Anakin stepped through, keeping his eyes down, not wanting to see their expressions.
He knew what they were thinking.
“Knight Skywalker. Happy to see you well, we are.”
Anakin bowed his head lower than it already was, jaw clenching; he knew not all of them felt the same. The Force told him so.
“Your campaign in Dermos was a massive failure, Skywalker.” Windu’s remarks, as always, lacked any form of understanding; only scathing disdain.
Anakin tried to stay quiet, but the roaring in his ears was overwhelming. “We fought for weeks, taking heavy damage with no way to get past the blockades, we barely made it out alive-“
Yoda’s raised claw made the words die in Anakin’s throat, burning his tongue, the ashes spilling down to his chest.
“But a failure it was, hmm?”
Anakin felt breathless.
A failure?
His men lying dead and cold, his padawan’s clouded Force signature, the fatigue Anakin could feel simmering just under his skin, the prolonged dry weather causing the troops to give in to heat strokes-
“A disappointment to the Order, this is. Understand this, do you?”
Anakin was wordless. He put all of his energy into fortifying his shields, keeping his body from shaking. “I…understand.”
“Good. Reassigned to a new mission, you will be. Return in a week’s time. Dismissed.”
Anakin felt his own heartbeat rattling in his chest as he turned to leave, just glimpsing the other masters- their emotionless expressions, half of them only appearing in holos. Obi-Wan’s seat was empty, since he was still in diplomatic peace talks.
The door shutting was a distant sound, and his destination was anyone’s guess.
He knew he had failed. He failed his men, the ones looking to him to lead them to victory. He failed his padawan, unable to give her the training she deserved, away from the war, with a master with more experience. He had failed his order, unable to give them the news they wanted. He had become something worse than a failure, something…
Worthless.
“Knight Skywalker?”
Anakin jerked his head up, realizing he had stopped in the middle of the corridor. Jocasta Nu was looking at him quizzically.
“I- yes?”
“Do you have a spare moment? I’ve been needing some help with reorganizing some data, and I’m sure you’re restless after spending so much time in active battle.”
Anakin wanted to sleep. It had been 48 hours. But this was what he was good for; doing what was asked of him.
Worthless.
“Sure I can- um. Help. Where do you need me?”
“Follow me, I’ll bring you to the spot.”
Anakin’s vision was getting hazy, so he shook his head, pinching himself harshly to sharpen his mind.
He had a vague memory of an explanation of what the collection of data was for, but Anakin simply focused on where he needed to store it.
The longer he worked through datapads, the more he felt out of his body. The world was sharp and dull in intervals. His hands, both flesh and metal, couldn’t stop shaking with exhaustion.
He was so, so tired.
Jocasta Nu came back in- minutes? Hours? How long had it been- and looked angry. “Knight Skywalker, why have you put half of the collections in two different spots? Have you been reading them at all?! And- you’ve interspersed them with an already organized collection!”
Anakin felt his body tense up, eyes widening. “I- I’m so sorry, I thought it- I just-“
She just shook her head with a long-winded sigh. “Nevermind. Perhaps you should go clear your head, Knight Skywalker, if you’ve no mind for simple tasks as this, it is a worthless thing to ask you to continue.”
Anakin stumbled to his feet from where he had been sitting; his legs had lost feeling, and he almost buckled to his knees, but he grunted and kept himself upright while muttering a soft apology.
He felt hot and cold as the word screamed throughout the Force, worthless, worthless, worthless-
He punched in the code to his and Obi-Wan’s quarters quickly, opening them and letting his back slide down the entry. He knew Obi-Wan wasn’t in the apartments, his force signature stale and days old.
He cradled his pounding head in his hands, trying, trying to calm down, be useful, composed, a good Jedi.
A wire on his arm gave a sharp twitch, and broke apart from the main wiring connected to his wrist; Anakin muffled a shout of pain, flesh hand clutching it with a wince.
He got to his feet to slowly move to the couch, collapsing. He was too tried, too weak to get the tools from his room, so he used the Force. The toolbox was set down on the caf table in front of him. For good measure Anakin brought over some ration bars and energy drinks, knowing that he needed to fix this before he could sleep, though he was on the verge of passing out.
The work, this time, was mindless. He had worked on his arm for many hours, fine tuning it and giving it modifications. The only perfect part of him, that could become better, stronger than his flesh could.
The campaign had left him no time to work on his arm, and Anakin got wrapped up in fiddling with it, even after the wire was fixed. He took it apart, replacing weak spots and cleaning the metal until it was shining.
The door opened again, and Obi-Wan stepped through.
Before Anakin could say a word, his former master yelped in surprise as he tripped over one of the bigger parts Anakin had moved out of his way, barely managing to catch himself.
Obi-Wan let out a huff of annoyance, looking to Anakin with an unamused expression. “Really, Anakin? You return home and immediately set to ruining all the good cleaning I’ve been doing. It would be nice to return after long diplomatic missions to an apartment that was as nice as I’d left it.”
Obi-Wan turned to set his outer robes aside, away from Anakin’s stricken expression.
A burden, that’s all he was.
Anakin could feel the tunnel vision creeping up on him. He tried to close up his arm, but realized that he couldn’t move. He was shaking terribly, and he couldn’t- he couldn’t breathe-
“-akin, ANAKIN! Anakin, please, calm down, look at me, Anakin?”
Anakin took in deep, watery, choking inhales, realizing that tears were choking him, making his body quiver, and he was curling into himself, pulling his muscles tight, making it hard to think straight.
Obi-Wan kneeled in front of him, looking contrite and worried, so worried. He moved his hands to cup Anakin’s jaw, the gentle touch soothing something deep in Anakin’s body, a shuddering breath leaving him as Obi-Wan’s fingers rubbed soothingly over his pulse point.
Obi-Wan moved slowly, as if he was afraid Anakin would run away, coming up to the couch with him and moving one of his hands to brush the hair out of Anakin’s eyes. “Dear one? I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to sound callous to you, never to you. What is hurting you so?”
Obi-Wan’s soft words and gentle touches, the warm bond that was hovering over his shields in the Force, only caused Anakin to break further. He tried to speak, but all that came out were panicked exhales. “Obi- Obi I’m sorry-“
Obi-Wan’s eyebrows furrowed, and he moved close enough so that he could tap his forehead with Anakin’s. “Breathe with me, dearheart. In and out, yes, listen to my voice and ground yourself. You have nothing to be sorry for.” He took Anakin’s flesh hand and pressed it to his own chest, letting Anakin feel his heartbeat.
When Anakin had first moved to the temple, he would ask Obi-Wan to hold him in the night; he would press his face into his master’s chest to feel for his heart, as he had done with his mother. It never failed to calm him down.
Anakin let himself be surrounded with Obi-Wan, slowly lowering his shields, letting Obi-Wan see in glimpses his panic. His wanting. His worthlessness.
Obi-Wan’s grip tightened over him.
“Anakin, my darling, you’re not worthless. You’re precious, and I won’t have you thinking otherwise.”
Anakin sniffled, meeting his master’s gaze. It was still worried, holding that particular shine that told Anakin he would be getting special attention for the next few days. But it was also loving, and truthful. Anakin trusted Obi-Wan.
Still… he wouldn’t call himself ‘precious.’
Obi-Wan thumbed the remaining tears away, smiling at Anakin’s small pout.“There’s my sweet boy.”
Anakin felt himself flush, muffling his embarrassed whine into Obi-Wan’s shoulder. His cruel, agonizing master only pulled him closer, cradling their bodies together and chuckling close to Anakin’s ear.
“We’ll talk about this more later, my love. For the moment, however, I’m going to help you finish your arm, and then we’re going to get you ready for bed; how does that sound?” Obi-Wan kissed the top of Anakin’s hair, listening for his approving hum before he leaned back to take Anakin’s mechanical hand.
Obi-Wan helped to close the remaining ports that were open, trailing his fingers over the wiring and feeling for any sore areas, making Anakin relax into his hold further. He asked Anakin to flex his fingers and tapped along his palm for reflex reactions. When he was satisfied, Obi-Wan brought Anakin’s fingers up to his mouth, kissing each one tenderly.
Anakin shivered, finally feeling the weight on his chest leaving him.
There was still war. There was still bloodshed and too much to live up to outside of this room.
But here, now, it was just them.
Anakin nudged Obi-Wan down, ignoring his protest and settling in around his master, head cushioned over Obi-Wan’s steadily beating heart.
“Anakin. We need to go to the bed.”
“Mm…in a bit, master. Just want to stay here with you like this. For a little bit.”
“…I never can say no to you, dearheart.”
Fingers card through Anakin’s curls.
Anakin lets himself drift, the Force calm and at peace around him.