Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Liam Dunbar has added Mason Hewitt, Theo Raeken, Corey Bryant, Brett Talbot, Lori Rohr, Hayden Romero and Alec Gonzalez to the group chat.

Liam Dunbar has changed the group name to The Prevengers .

Mason: This is a terrible idea.

Mason: Also why tf did you add Theo before Corey

Mason: You literally split up #morey

Brett: what kind of person willingly and shamelessly uses their ship name following a hashtag

Lori: I saw the group name and thought. Should I be concerned

Hayden: who’s alec?

Alec: HI

Alec: HI HI omg this is so cool ty for adding me

Liam: ok ok so before anyone panics

Mason: Wasn’t panicking yet but I guess I am now

Corey: hear the guy out

Liam: avengers and revengers are just lame

Liam: we don’t just avenge or like…revenge

Hayden: not a verb.

Liam: the whole mccall pack MO is saving people before shit hits the fan

Liam: preventive maintenance, if you will

Corey: nvm, I’ve heard the guy out and I’m heading out

Alec Gonzalez has changed the group name to Preventive Maintenance .

Liam Dunbar has changed the group name to The Prevengers .

Brett Talbot has changed the group name to Puppies et al .

Liam: we are NOT puppies

Liam Dunbar has changed the group name to The Prevengers .

Hayden: you are

Lori: You kinda are

Corey: technically I don’t have any canine DNA in me

Mason: And I love you all the same

Liam Dunbar has removed Corey Bryant and Mason Hewitt from the chat.

Theo Raeken has added Corey Bryant and Mason Hewitt to the chat.

Liam: @Theo Raeken he lives 🙄

Brett: he’s alive. he literally just picked up his phone, saw the notifications and put the phone back facedown on the table

Mason: Why is he with you

Liam: wtf what is theo doing with you

Hayden: better question yet: why isn’t theo with liam

Mason: @Hayden Romero Yes yes asking the real questions here

Liam: @Mason Hewitt you’re on thin fucking ice

Mason: Doesn’t matter your boyfriend’s got my back

Liam: not my boyfriend

Theo: Not his boyfriend.

Alec: methinks the gays doth protest too much

Liam Dunbar has removed Alec Gonzalez from the chat.

Theo Raeken has added Alec Gonzalez to the chat.

Liam Dunbar has changed Alec Gonzalez ’s name to Oliver Twist .

Mason: LIAM

Oliver Twist: thank u liam it is an honor to be named after such a wholesome child

Oliver Twist: a paragon of fortitude and uprightness

Brett: wow dunbar savage

Brett: i mean. raise your hand if you’re NOT an orphan amirite

Mason: ✋🏿

Mason: Liam

Liam: no

Mason: ✋🏻 < that’s Liam’s pasty hand

Corey: ✋🏻

Mason: Shh it’s ok Corey you can lower your hand you’re practically an orphan

Corey: thanks babe (✿◕‿◕)

Lori: How tf did this turn into competition for fewest parents alive

Hayden: it’s lonely bitches hours

Oliver Twist: *it’s only bitches hours

Hayden: once again nobody answered my question who alec is

Hayden: i like the chat names idea tho. lemme change mine

Hayden Romero has changed their name to RomeoMyRomero .

Lori Rohr has changed their name to Lori Roar .

Oliver Twist: @Lori Roar hehe that’s cute

Liam: alec is the newest pack member. he lives with melissa atm

Oliver Twist: he’s very sweet but traumatized

Theo: He’s very sweet but traumatized.

RomeoMyRomero: oh. oh i see what’s going on here. theo has a child

Theo: Not my stray.

Liam: you take his side constantly

Theo: That’s because your side is wrong.

Corey: lovers squabble 👀

Corey Bryant has changed their name to nowuseeme .

Liam Dunbar has changed nowuseeme ’s name to nowudont .

Mason: Don’t you DARE kick him out

nowudont has changed their name to nowuseeme .

Liam Dunbar has changed Mason Hewitt ’s name to Traitor #1 .

Traitor #1 has changed their name to The Braincell .

Liam: noo we have two halves of one braincell that’s how the saying goes

The Braincell: Not anymore we don’t buddy

The Braincell: Braincell is all mine

The Braincell: Good luck 😊

Liam:  

The Braincell: Thanks but I already got Corey 😘

RomeoMyRomero: EWW

Oliver Twist: how do i turn on parental controls

Liam: @Theo Raeken

Theo: He’s not mine, you have him.

Liam: fuck no

Oliver Twist: scratch that, how do i get therapy

Brett Talbot changed their name to AlphaInTown .

AlphaInTown: come over to my pack. free therapy for everyone

Lori Roar: He literally means wasabi chips and gatorade and binging netflix

Oliver Twist: ehh all the same to me i’m in

Liam: what do you mean ‘your pack’ there is no other pack

The Braincell: You’re literally the head of the puppy pack. Scott heads like. The parent pack

Liam: whaaaat no

Liam: and brett how can you be a pack of TWO

Liam: T W O

Oliver Twist: soon to be three

Theo: Four if you count me in.

AlphaInTown: theo’s on probation

Theo: Fuck you I thought we were friends

AlphaInTown: that was before you turned lori against me

Theo: I bestowed on her the gift of critical thinking skills. She critically thought you’re full of shit.

Lori Roar: Affirmed 👍🏻

AlphaInTown: suck my dick

Theo: Sorry, small things are choking hazards.

Oliver Twist: OMFG

RomeoMyRomero: aldfhdlkfjldkfjflk

The Braincell: Damn boi

Liam: theo 

Liam: theo theo

Liam: u can come be part of my pack

Liam: brett sucks

nowuseeme: dick?

Liam: yeah you’re getting the picture

Liam Dunbar has changed AlphaInTown ’s name to Choking Hazard .

The Braincell: Let it be stated on the record that I am SCREAMING

Choking Hazard has changed their name to Brett Tolboi .

Lori Roar: Oh like that’s any better

Lori Roar: Hey Liam you should change yours

Theo: Yeah, to Dumbass.

Liam Dunbar has changed Theo Raeken ’s name to GMO Coywolf .

Oliver Twist: wtf is this i’m crying

RomeoMyRomero: GENETICALLY MODIFIED ORGANISM

The Braincell: I taught him that 😌

Liam Dunbar has changed their name to AlphaInTraining .

nowuseeme: yeah but who’s training who

GMO Coywolf: Me.

GMO Coywolf: I’m the one with experience after all

RomeoMyRomero: that is ENOUGH innuendos out of you

GMO Coywolf: Experience at *leading* oh my God.

RomeoMyRomero: thought you did a lot less leading and a lot more stabbing

nowuseeme: he made me go on a lot of fast food runs

GMO Coywolf: Uber Eats is expensive okay

Oliver Twist: wait i thought Scott would be the one training liam

Lori Roar: Ideally yeah

The Braincell: Scott takes in and trains everyone. Stamps em with a kiss of forgiveness

The Braincell: He’s basically the Jesus of beacon hills

Oliver Twist: wait if Scott is Jesus then what does that make liam

Oliver Twist: did Jesus have kids??

GMO Coywolf: Jesus H. Christ.

Oliver Twist: yeah i know that’s what i’m asking

RomeoMyRomero: alfjldkjfsk i cannot with this chat

nowuseeme: idk anything about religion

nowuseeme: mason!! ur catholic did jesus have kids

The Braincell: He literally

The Braincell: Got nailed to a cross at age 33

The Braincell: Was a full time miracle worker

The Braincell: Homeboy didn’t have time to get laid he was busy dying for your sins

AlphaInTraining: how do i exit this chat

AlphaInTraining: I NEED TO EXIT THIS CHAT

GMO Coywolf: You made your bed and now you’re going to lie in it.

Oliver Twist: wait but are you lying in his bed with him too

GMO Coywolf has removed Oliver Twist from the chat.

Chapter Text

The Prevengers group chat

Oliver Twist: I was thinking

AlphaInTraining: never a good sign

The Braincell: Liam it is 2 in the afternoon stop being an asshole

Oliver Twist: thank you

Oliver Twist: anyway i was thinking

Oliver Twist: we should play two truths and one lie

GMO Coywolf: Thought you’re supposed to be studying for your PSAT.

Oliver Twist: ok ok i’m studying for the psat, i have a fake front tooth and i’ve never been to an amusement park. Which is the lie?

GMO Coywolf: Obviously the first one is the lie.

Oliver Twist: see easy example

Oliver Twist: thank u for the segue theo

GMO Coywolf: You’re supposed to be chastised. Why aren’t you chastised.

AlphaInTraining: idk that’s your demon child i don’t have the answers for you man

Lori Roar: Wait @Oliver Twist you have a fake front tooth??

RomeoMyRomero: you haven’t been to *any* amusement park?

The Braincell: Once again my favorite ladies asking the important questions

nowuseeme: no wait pls alec tell us more about this fake front tooth

Oliver Twist: [attached: IMG_202109131946789.jpg]

The Braincell: Eww nobody asked for visuals

RomeoMyRomero: i feel suddenly and intensely violated

Lori Roar: Wait that is so cool I never even noticed the color difference before

Lori Roar: So how does it interact with your shift??

Oliver Twist: hold on a minute

AlphaInTraining: no

The Braincell: NO

RomeoMyRomero: no more visuals alec. Stop it

RomeoMyRomero: bad puppy

RomeoMyRomero: down puppy

Lori Roar: No no go on

Oliver Twist: [attached: IMG_202109132043916.jpg]

nowuseeme: no way man so it like just stays flat like that?

Lori Roar: That’s so interesting

The Braincell: This is the most anticlimactic close-up of a shift ever.

AlphaInTraining: wait so how come no one notices your missing werewolf tooth when you’re shifted?

Oliver Twist: idk ig people are too busy screaming and running in the opposite direction

GMO Coywolf: From the smell of your bad breath.

Oliver Twist: some people suffer from halitosis and it’s a very real condition

Oliver Twist: that’s not v kind of you theo

GMO Coywolf: I literally don’t know who or what gave you the idea that I was ever interested in being kind

Brett Tolboi: excuse his manners kid he grew up in the sewers

RomeoMyRomero: wait i wanna go next with two truths one lie

The Braincell: 👀

RomeoMyRomero: i can do a double back handspring, i once ended up in an ER choking on pistachio ice cream, and i’ve met Andy Biersack from black veil brides

nowuseeme: second one’s the lie

The Braincell: mm maybe last one

Lori Roar: I think it’s the second one too

Brett Tolboi: who’s andy Biersack?

GMO Coywolf: Google is free.

The Braincell: Well damn boi

Brett Tolboi: electing to ignore that comment

Brett Tolboi: after making the executive decision to use a search engine

Brett Tolboi: completely uninfluenced by commentary from the peanut gallery

Brett Tolboi: i have come to the independent conclusion that this andy character is hot

Lori Roar: 🙄 yeah obvs you could have asked me

RomeoMyRomero: YES gurl you’re a fan too? knew I liked you for a reason!

AlphaInTraining: i remember you playing his stuff when i handed you the aux

The Braincell: You? Actually handing over the aux?

AlphaInTraining: it’s more likely than you think 🙄

GMO Coywolf: Do you mean to say I could have not been suffering from your sad boy playlists this entire time.

AlphaInTraining: …ANYWAY

AlphaInTraining: tryna cast my vote and i feel like i should know the answer to this but i actually don’t 😭

nowuseeme: alskfjkdldk

RomeoMyRomero: first one’s the lie!!

AlphaInTraining: whatttt

nowuseeme: no way!! I thought you were super athletic

RomeoMyRomero: no but i had that accident when i was little where i broke my tailbone and i’ve been inflexible as shit since then

Lori Roar: HOLY SHIT SO YOU MET ANDY BIERSACK

Lori Roar: WHEN

Lori Roar: WHERE

Lori Roar: DM ME THE DEETS RIGHT NOW

The Braincell: 😂

The Braincell: He is a fine dude

The Braincell: Not finer than you @nowuseeme

nowuseeme: no no i’m man enough to recognize a fine specimen, babe

Oliver Twist: *gay enough

Oliver Twist: @Lori Roar is this guy still around? The band? We should listen to their stuff together sometime

Oliver Twist: maybe meet em in person :)

Lori Roar: @Oliver Twist sure!

Oliver Twist: ok @GMO Coywolf your turn theo. no backing out of this one

Brett Tolboi: pls he’d be doing no truth and all lies

GMO Coywolf: …Or all truth and no lies.

AlphaInTraining: that’s not the game

GMO Coywolf: Right, since you’ve always been concerned with following the rules.

AlphaInTraining: THAT WAS ONE TIME

The Braincell: What was one time

The Braincell: Liam

The Braincell: L I A M

The Braincell: *What* was one time

[AlphaInTraining is typing…]

GMO Coywolf: 1. I grew up with a pet cat named Athena.  2. I speak four languages.  3. I’ve been asked out nine times.

The Braincell: He’s not a cat person.

Brett Tolboi: he’s definitely a cat person.

AlphaInTraining: um hello?? four languages? wth theo when did that happen

nowuseeme: shh liam do u really want him to answer that

RomeoMyRomero: yeah he’ll tell some absolutely horrifying story about how the dread docs pulled out his toenails if he didn’t learn french or something

GMO Coywolf: It was my canines.

RomeoMyRomero: what

AlphaInTraining: WHAT

RomeoMyRomero: nope no i didn’t actually wanna know

The Braincell: jfc

GMO Coywolf: You guys are too easy.

Brett Tolboi: yeah see my previous text re: no truths and all lies

AlphaInTraining: ok i feel like #1 is the lie

AlphaInTraining: like maybe not the cat part per se but the name maybe??

Oliver Twist: i vote #2

Lori Roar: Same

The Braincell: P sure it’s #3, folks

GMO Coywolf: Ouch, Hewitt.

The Braincell: You said *nine times*. If it were only eight that’s still a healthy amount you self absorbed jerkenstein

nowuseeme: i like the way you think babes

nowuseeme: i think you’re right. voting #3 too

RomeoMyRomero: i’m with liam on this one. #1

Brett Tolboi: i think #2

GMO Coywolf: As much as it pains me, Mason and Corey are right.

The Braincell: YES!

nowuseeme: 🥳

The Braincell: Shame on you @AlphaInTraining you don’t know your own bf

AlphaInTraining: not my bf

GMO Coywolf: Not his bf

Oliver Twist: 🎵the hills are alive…with the sound of bullshit 🎶

AlphaInTraining: wait so how many times *have* you been asked out theo

GMO Coywolf: Hey the game only says I reveal which one’s the lie. I’ve done my part.

Oliver Twist: pls don’t tell me the real number is like an obscene amount

Oliver Twist: i don’t wanna be known as the fuckboy’s adoptee

The Braincell: Hey no slut shaming @Oliver Twist

The Braincell: @GMO Coywolf what was the real number tho 👀

GMO Coywolf: Who else is going next

AlphaInTraining: stop changing the subject theo

nowuseeme: wait we are ignoring the most vital piece of information here which is that theo grew up with a cat named athena

Lori Roar: THANK YOU, my thoughts exactly

[GMO Coywolf is typing…]

Private Messages between Liam Dunbar and Theo Raeken

Theo: I’ll tell you here but I won’t tell in the group chat.

Liam: ??

Theo: The number, dumbass.

Liam: !!

Liam: no u don’t have to i was just messing around

Liam: …i won’t stop you if you’re dead set on telling me tho

Theo: Zero.

Theo: Dumbass.

Liam: wait seriously

Theo: I grew up underground without a wifi signal for almost a decade and my DNA was reprogrammed for mass murder. Why is this surprising to you

Liam: yeah but you’re like

Liam: alsklfjdkkljfld

Liam: you know what i mean

Liam: like. look at you

Theo: Just because people touch doesn’t mean they ask, lol.

Theo: Anyway not a word of this to Alec. Kid thinks he’s gunning to be a blackmail master.

Liam: wait

Liam: theo

Liam: theo

Liam: what did you mean

Theo: Don’t worry about it Liam

Liam: yeah like that has ever in the history of humanity made anyone stop worrying

Liam: so nobody really has ever asked you to be their boyfriend?

Theo: Yeah Liam. It’s not a big deal.

Liam: it isn’t to me. sounds like it is to you tho

Theo: It isn’t.

Liam: ok then

Liam: if u say so

Liam: so if i told mason it wouldn’t be a big deal either

Theo: Don’t you dare.

Liam: or what

Theo: Or I’ll tell him about the time you broke his dad’s electric toothbrush and blamed it on Corey.

Liam: w h a t

Liam: no

Liam: how do u know that

Liam: i mean shit. fuck. that’s false. what are you even talking about

Theo: 🤷

Liam: Theo.

Theo: Bye Liam.

Liam: THEO

The Prevengers group chat

Oliver Twist: ok so in other news i’m gonna be dyeing Lori’s hair tonight in the spirit of black veil brides

Oliver Twist: update pics to follow

The Braincell: YESSS

Brett Tolboi: excuse me what when did this happen what

Lori Roar: In the last 10 minutes while you were being an asshole to the toaster

Lori Roar: I asked you but you didn’t say anything

Brett Tolboi: i could dye your hair why does it need to be alec

Lori Roar: As aforementioned: you were busy being an asshole to the toaster.

Brett Tolboi: FINE no tuna sandwich for you then

Brett Tolboi: sourpup

Lori Roar: Buttface

Brett Tolboi: melonhead

Lori Roar: Jerkass

The Braincell: 

Lori Roar: Anyway

Oliver Twist: hehe i literally have no idea what i’m doing but this will be fun

Oliver Twist: we’re thinking blue

Lori Roar: It might turn green depending on how this goes

RomeoMyRomero: oh god

RomeoMyRomero: Lors I would do it but i’m out of state

RomeoMyRomero: i know how to treat hair without burning it

RomeoMyRomero: case and point.

Lori Roar: Omg the bleached moneypiece is so cool 

nowuseeme: 👏🏻

Oliver Twist: there was that one time I tried to bleach my fringe in 8th grade

Oliver Twist: hold on i have a pic

The Braincell: NO MORE TRAUMATIZING PICS I AM BEGGING YOU

AlphaInTraining: no no send the pic alec

nowuseeme: says liam. with no ulterior motive whatsoever.

GMO Coywolf: Hey @Lori Roar I can do it. I’ve dyed my hair a bunch of times now.

AlphaInTraining: excuse me you’ve what now.

RomeoMyRomero: don’t ask. I repeat: do. not. ask.

nowuseeme: 👀👀

The Braincell: Please don’t tell me this had to do with the DD’s

The Braincell: I’m still scarred from Theo telling me about the peanut butter cup incident

AlphaInTraining: was that different from the cage incident

The Braincell: What do you mean ‘the cage incident’ his entire LIFE was a cage incident

Oliver Twist: DD’s?

RomeoMyRomero: (Dread Doctors)

GMO Coywolf: No, this was the motel incident.

Brett Tolboi: like that doesn’t sound nefarious at all

GMO Coywolf: To be fair, hair dye wasn’t the weirdest fluid to be involved in that incident.

Oliver Twist: pics or it didn’t happen 👀

The Braincell: *flyswatters you* ALEC NO.

The Braincell: @AlphaInTraining Liam help me

AlphaInTraining: *flyswatters alec with u*

Oliver Twist: @GMO Coywolf defend me loser

GMO Coywolf: I’m already saving you from embarrassing yourself with your gf. That’s enough community service

Brett Tolboi: wow. didn’t realize murderers got off with just community service

[Several people are typing…]

Chapter Text

The Prevengers group chat

Oliver Twist: i may have made a mistake

Oliver Twist: [attached: IMG_202109134391820.jpg]

The Braincell: That’s a pic of your……armpit? 

nowuseeme: i mean. if you meant to be hanging out with lori today and ended up taking pics of your questionable extremities instead then yeah i’d say you made a mistake

RomeoMyRomero: askjlfdjfkl

Oliver Twist: shit no wrong pic

Oliver Twist: you guys didn’t see that 🙂

The Braincell: Yes we did

Oliver Twist: no you didn’t

AlphaInTraining: ok my werewolf eyes def saw that

Oliver Twist: 

AlphaInTraining: is that—is that supposed to be that color

The Braincell: Hey no wait that looks p cool!

GMO Coywolf: Thought you said blue. Dumbasses.

Oliver Twist: I did ask Alec for blue. I gave him blue hair dye. This happened.

Oliver Twist: This is Lori, btw

GMO Coywolf: *Singular dumbass.

RomeoMyRomero: dear god was it box dye or the kind you mix

RomeoMyRomero: it was the mixed kind, wasn’t it

RomeoMyRomero: don’t tell me you let him mix it

RomeoMyRomero: Lors

RomeoMyRomero: oh gurl you’re really in it now

GMO Coywolf: @Oliver Twist I told you to wait for me you fucking idiot

Oliver Twist: YOU WERE TAKING SO LONG

Oliver Twist: (alec here)

GMO Coywolf: I am literally at a light one block from your apartment.

GMO Coywolf: Imbecile.

Oliver Twist: that isn’t a very fatherly thing to say :<

The Braincell: You know what they say about fathers

The Braincell: Like God, they show their love in mysterious ways

Brett Tolboi: 

AlphaInTraining: ?

The Braincell: Shh Liam you’re exempt from knowing this

AlphaInTraining: i—

AlphaInTraining has changed The Braincell ’s name to The Nincompoop.

The Nincompoop: That’s—

The Nincompoop: Literally the least threatening reaction I was expecting

AlphaInTraining: shut up i’m the interim alpha around here

nowuseeme: mason: spouts facts

nowuseeme: liam: 

nowuseeme: liam: you’re a—you’re a niNcOmPooP

AlphaInTraining: I AM NOT THE FUCKING CRYING CAT MEME

AlphaInTraining: you guys DO remember i am a feral werewolf half the time right

nowuseeme: oh you right, you right my bad

nowuseeme: 

nowuseeme: revised and resubmitted to the committee for reconsideration: a more accurate rendering of alpha liam dunbar

The Nincompoop: 🤣🤣🤣

RomeoMyRomero: holy shit no actually that’s Liam turning it up on the dance floor on a friday night

RomeoMyRomero: (gotta make sure he gets all those moves in before 10 tho so he can get home before curfew)

AlphaInTraining: ok fuck all of you

The Nincompoop: @RomeoMyRomero you are EXACTLY right omg look what i found

The Nincompoop: Behold. A rare candid of Liam Dunbar passed out after a wild night of carousing

The Nincompoop: 

nowuseeme: just nonstop living life on the edge

RomeoMyRomero: aww poor puppy

AlphaInTraining: 😤

The Nincompoop: Puked out puppy :)

nowuseeme has changed AlphaInTraining ’s name to PukePuppy.

PukePuppy: COREY BRYANT I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD

PukePuppy has removed nowuseeme from the chat.

The Nincompoop has added nowuseeme to the chat.

PukePuppy has removed The Nincompoop from the chat.

Brett Tolboi has added The Nincompoop to the chat.

The Nincompoop: @Brett Tolboi thanks man, knew I liked you for a reason

Oliver Twist: yo i’m back theo just officially banned me from the bathroom and i’m bored

The Nincompoop: You mean Theo told you to take your teenage pouting to another locality

Oliver Twist: eerie how well you guys know theo’s vocabulary verbatim

Oliver Twist: @The Nincompoop wait who are you

PukePuppy: scroll up

Oliver Twist: @PukePuppy and who tf are you

PukePuppy: omg i was making dinner and i almost tripped over theo’s wallet

PukePuppy: should i go through it and see what’s inside

The Nincompoop: I think it’s a *little* concerning that your first thought is to invade the guy’s privacy and/or commit identity theft instead of like, idk, returning the wallet to him

The Nincompoop: But yes do tell what’s inside

Oliver Twist: eww no i don’t need access to that kind of information

Oliver Twist: what if there’s like. condoms inside or something

RomeoMyRomero: do you seriously keep condoms inside your wallets

Brett Tolboi: wallet, pocket, locker, gym bag, console, glove compartment

RomeoMyRomero: EWW TMI MUCH

nowuseeme: wait what is theo’s wallet doing at liam’s place to begin with

Brett Tolboi: lying around as evidence of them getting up to condom-related activity

Brett Tolboi: obviously

PukePuppy: guys i’m not actually gonna go through his wallet i’m not a monster

Oliver Twist: debatable

PukePuppy: @The Nincompoop swat him for me pls

The Nincompoop: Nuh uh buddy. You changed my name to nincompoop

PukePuppy: fiiiiine. if i change your name back will you swat alec for me

The Nincompoop: Depends

PukePuppy has changed The Nincompoop ’s name to Velma.

nowuseeme: ok you know this makes you scooby doo right @PukePuppy

PukePuppy: excUSE ME no i am fred

nowuseeme: yeah but like i also just found this pic of u sleeping in theo’s truck and sorry i just don’t see it :/

nowuseeme: 

Velma changed PukePuppy ’s name to Scooby-Doo.

Scooby-Doo: fuck u guys imma go over to alec’s and hang out with theo

Oliver Twist: ohhhh

Oliver Twist: the infamous “hang out”

Scooby-Doo: shut up i need to give him back his wallet

Oliver Twist: “give him back his wallet”

RomeoMyRomero: shh don’t overwhelm the puppy, alec

Velma: Actually studies show that newborn puppies can survive with an unusually high heart rate of 160 to 200 bpm

RomeoMyRomero: oh i see

RomeoMyRomero: so liam’s heart rate shooting thru the roof whenever him and theo are around each other is just. Further evidence of him being a newborn puppy

Scooby-Doo: i am blocking ALL OF YOU

[Scooby-Doo is now offline.]

Some hours later…

Lori Roar: Success has crowned me

Lori Roar: 

Velma: Absolutely popping, honey

Nowuseeme: agreed. looks magnificent. why is your head cloned tho

GMO Coywolf: Had to crop out Alec.

GMO Coywolf: You’re welcome for me sparing your sensitivities from the offensive visuals of Alec’s smooching technique.

Oliver Twist: i was NOT smooching her

Oliver Twist: i was very objectively and respectfully admiring the new hair

Brett Tolboi: he was smooching her

Lori Roar: *On the cheek, you nosy dipshit.

Brett Tolboi: still technically smooching.

RomeoMyRomero: Look, I’m just amazed that theo managed to turn around that green mess into something actually chic.

RomeoMyRomero: @Lori Roar (not that you wouldn’t have rocked the mermaid look any day)

Lori Roar: It’s okay, I know Alec was quickly turning me into a stalk of seaweed 😂

Scooby-Doo: which alec still would’ve smooched her over anyway

Oliver Twist: for the last time

Oliver Twist: I WAS NOT SMOOCHING HER

Oliver Twist: unlike whatever the fuck you two were up to in the bathroom @Scooby-Doo @GMO Coywolf 

nowuseeme: what

Scooby-Doo: what

Lori Roar: Huh?

Velma: 

RomeoMyRomero: @Scooby-Doo @GMO Coywolf we demand answers. Now

Scooby-Doo: wtf are you on about alec

Scooby-Doo: we were cleaning up after the fucking mess you made with lori’s stuff before theo came along

Oliver Twist: “cleaning up”

Brett Tolboi: don’t remember a lot of cleaning up noises

Scooby-Doo: we may have also been talking

Oliver Twist: “talking”

Brett Tolboi: hmm I didn’t hear a lot of talking either

Velma: @Scooby-Doo stop avoiding my calls and pick up the damn phone

[Scooby-Doo is typing…]

Private Messages between Liam Dunbar and Theo Raeken

Liam: sorry if i made things weird earlier

Theo: You didn’t.

Liam: yeah but u could just be saying that bc u don’t like me saying sorry

Theo: On the contrary, you don’t do it often enough

Liam: you smelled weird

Liam: so like

Liam: just wanted to make sure i didn’t actually make it weird

Theo: You’re making it weird by harping on about how weird it was now.

Liam: right. Sorry.

Liam: meant what i said tho

Liam: i wouldn’t care if your hair was any color, you’d still rock it

Liam: ok maybe not like. Carrot orange if you catch my drift?

Liam: but my point still stands

Theo: Thanks, Liam. Your validation means so much to me.

Liam: …….i really really can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic w me rn or not

[Theo Raeken is requesting a video call.]

[Call ended: 2 hrs 13 min 7 sec]

The Prevengers group chat

Oliver Twist: good morning guys

Oliver Twist: today is the 14th of september, it is a balmy 57 degrees outside climbing up to the high 60s later in the day, birds are chirping, and i am about to sue theo fucking raeken’s ass

RomeoMyRomero: do you need legal representation

nowuseeme: what did he do this time

Scooby-Doo: p sure it’s innocent until proven guilty

Oliver Twist: @Scooby-Doo i’m suing you too

Brett Tolboi: come on that video was objectively hilarious

Oliver Twist: @Lori Roar pls wake up and help me explain the situation

Brett Tolboi: @Oliver Twist she won’t be of any help to you. We were both up late last night laughing our asses off at the video

Velma: Wait excuse me what

Velma: It is 9 in the morning on a Sunday

Velma: Wtf is everyone on about

Velma: W h a t  video

nowuseeme: oh i dm’ed it to you last night after you fell asleep babe

nowuseeme: no worries i’ll link it here too 

nowuseeme: link

RomeoMyRomero: wtf. WTF

Velma: Theo has a *TikTok*?

Velma: I am fucking crying at this. Alec. Alec

Velma: What the *fuck* are you doing in this

RomeoMyRomero: i am pissing myself laughing

Brett Tolboi: told you it was objectively hilarious

Oliver Twist: yeah ik it’s objectively hilarious that’s not the problem

Oliver Twist: that’s not why i’m suing theo

Oliver Twist: the problem is that it is on HIS tiktok and not MINE

Scooby-Doo: you have a tiktok?? since when??

Oliver Twist: since i decided i wasn’t gonna follow you @Scooby-Doo

Velma: Okay but *Theo* has a TikTok? Since when??

Scooby-Doo: since i taught him how to make one the other day

RomeoMyRomero: oh god

Velma: Liam. Buddy. Brother. Best bud

Velma: Absolute fucking moron

Velma: Do you have any idea what kind of beast you might have just unleashed

nowuseeme: kdsdjskdjsk

Scooby-Doo: he likes a lot of baking videos

RomeoMyRomero: okay that’s—that’s actually 🥺

Scooby-Doo: yeah imma go thru his likes later and see what kind of cake i can bake him for his bday

Scooby-Doo: it’s november right

Scooby-Doo: plenty of time to learn some basic skills

Velma: Last time you decided to learn some ‘basic skills’ you blew up the storm cellar door to my house and we weren’t allowed to talk to each other for a WEEK

Scooby-Doo: hey! not my fault you couldn’t telepathically tell already that i was about to do some stupid shit

Scooby-Doo: you’re supposed to be taking care of the braincell

Velma: Liam. Lima Bean. There is a Reason that David and Jenna turn off the kitchen circuit breakers when they go on trips and you’re at home.

Oliver Twist: 👀

Oliver Twist: 👀👀

Scooby-Doo: ok so the takeaway here is y’all are TRYING to make me be an asshole to theo instead on his birthday

RomeoMyRomero: knew there was a reason you were always having me tutor you in Logic & Reasoning…

nowuseeme: we’re not telling you to be an asshole to theo on his bday

nowuseeme: he already gets that from you on the daily

nowuseeme: we’re just asking you not to be a crispy chicken asshole to him

nowuseeme: see previous (copious) instagram stories about your cooking abilities

Velma: Liam gonna be like hmm lemme attempt this german choco cake in less than 2 hours. Can’t be too hard right??

Velma: And then bam

Velma: 

nowuseeme: like i said. crispy chicken asshole

Oliver Twist: hey at least they’ll save on lighting bday candles

RomeoMyRomero: wait guys you know what this reminds me of?

Brett Tolboi: 👀

RomeoMyRomero has changed Scooby-Doo ’s name to Lumiere.

Lumiere: OK THATS IT NO BIRTHDAY CAKES FOR ANY OF YOU DICKHEADS

Brett Tolboi: phew, glad we dodged that one

Lori Roar: …For what it’s worth, I’ve always liked my creme brulee flaming?

GMO Coywolf: What the fuck is going on in here.

Chapter Text

Private messages between Liam Dunbar and Mason Hewitt

Liam: houston we have a problem

Mason: Houston we always have a problem

Mason: What’s your problem this time

Liam: see this is why i question why i’m still friends with you

Mason: Bc you’d be flunking bio if not for me. Next question

Liam: so u know how i was looking through theo’s likes on tiktok right

Mason: Obsessive. But yes go on

Liam: i might have discovered some things i wasn’t meant to

Mason: Discovered? Wdym discovered?

Mason: Liam

Mason: L i a m

Mason: Answer me

Mason: Has he relapsed into his murder-y ways

Mason: Do I need to call Manslaughterers Anonymous

Mason: Oh no. He has hasn’t he

Mason: And you’re full on having a bisexual crisis bc you find psycho Theo hot

Liam: he is not hot!

Mason: 

Liam: He Is Not

Mason: When denial drives you to gross capitalization

Liam: *he’s* gross

Mason: Right. Which is why when he first showed up in town you didn’t just agree to help Stiles track him

Mason: You volunteered

Liam: i was trying to develop a serving spirit

Liam: something mom always says i need to work more on

Mason: Serving spirit? Serving him how? Sounds p gay if you ask me

Liam: oh my GOD stop talking to me

Mason: You’re the one who battered down my inbox having a bi panic attack

Liam: i was NOT

Liam: i plead the fifth

Mason: How can you plead the fifth when you deadass needed to talk to me

Liam: i’d rather talk to the wall

Liam: actually i’d rather talk to steve

Mason: Who’s Steve

Liam: ladybug who just perched on my window

Liam: 

Mason: That doesn’t look like a Steve.

Mason: Looks more like a Theo

Mason: A THEO-DEFLECTION

Mason: Answer my question dude. What did you see on his TikTok likes that you weren’t supposed to see

Liam: i mean

Liam: he’s gotta know his likes are public right?

Liam: Right??

Mason: Ok so did the dude like a TikTok about a chainsaw massacre or puppy litters?? I’m confused

Liam: [link]

Mason: SLKDJLKJF

Mason: A LITTLE WARNING NEXT TIME

Mason: I did not need my beautiful innocent chocolate brown eyes to be scarred by that

Liam: ‘scarred’ my ass

Liam: i still haven’t gotten over the time mom and dad brought u along to yellowstone and i could hear you on the phone thru the bathroom door at the hotel

Liam: and that was a year ago

Mason: Corey and I are soulmates

Mason: Inseparable by time and distance

Liam: u mean your dicks are inseparable

Mason: We’re not talking about me and Corey’s dicks. We were talking about you and Theo’s dicks

Liam: there are no me and theo’s dicks to speak of

Liam: WAIT

Liam: I MEAN

Mason: Nope

Mason: Screenshotted that

Liam: NOOO

Mason: No takebacks now

Liam: 😒

Mason: You know what this means now right

Liam: yeah yeah u have unlimited rights to shame me in any and all group chats and public settings within hearing range of my immediate family etc etc

Mason: N o o , you idiot

Mason: But thanks for the idea

Mason: This means you gotta ask Theo out now

Liam: ???

Liam: what?? No

Mason: Clearly he likes you

Liam: clearly he likes NECKS

Mason: Yeah and you got one

Liam: just like the almost EIGHT BILLION other people on the planet who do too

Mason: Ok but first off

Mason: He liked a TikTok posted by a gay content maker

Mason: Secondly

Mason: The context of that TikTok was clearly gay

Liam: umm?? I don’t think so

[Mason Hewitt is requesting a video call.]

[Call ended: 0 min 8 sec]

Liam: M A S O N

Mason: Literally the level of unimpressed that my unimpressed face was? Had to be shown to you live.

Liam: 

Liam: he doesn’t know i’m bi

Liam: hell idek if i’m bi

Liam: what if he doesn’t like me

Liam: he most def doesn’t like me.

Liam: theo only likes, like, wearing suspenders the wrong way. and alec

Mason: Relax, Alec is his redemption arc era adoptee

Mason: He’s contractually obligated to like Alec

Liam: idk idk

Liam: feelings are Icky

Mason: Right. And making out and having sex without communication is so much easier.

Liam: yes! You Get It!

Mason: That’s not what I meant

Liam: …….or was it

Mason: Liam NO

Liam: Liam YES

Mason: Stop it. Stop it. Stop it stop it

Liam: mason u are a genius i owe u dinner

Liam: love u ttyl byeeee

—

Private Messages between Liam Dunbar and Theo Raeken

Liam: so i see you’ve been utilizing my instructions on how to navigate tiktok

Theo: Right. That was a riveting conversation.

Liam: that last one you liked was interesting

Theo: And how would you know the last one I liked?

Liam: bc i taught you how it works and you don’t tune out when i talk, duh

Theo: Highly doubt you’d have the observational skills to notice otherwise.

Liam: ANYWAY

Liam: the tiktok

Theo: Yes. “Interesting”

Theo: Good interesting or bad interesting?

Liam: theo if it was bad interesting i wouldn’t be calling it ‘interesting’

Liam: i’d be calling an asylum on you

Theo: Don’t know how you thought that would be more effective than an actual year in hell.

Liam: askdjlkfj

Liam: stop deflecting

Theo: Not deflecting. You’re filibustering.

Liam: …i do Not have the time to look that up

Liam: so uh

Liam: u have a thing for necks?

Theo: You mean wringing them when they’re being little shits? Yeah

Liam: 🙄

Liam: [link]

Liam: this thing you liked

Theo: Yes.

Liam: yes what?

Liam: yes how

Theo: I don’t know, you’re directing this interrogation.

Liam: if this was an interrogation, is that something you would like

Liam: a hand on your neck

[Theo is typing…]

Liam: or maybe start with a finger on your chin

Liam: tipping your head up

Theo: How the hell would my head be tipped up when I’m taller than you

Liam: you’re sitting tied down or whatever in this scenario. obviously

Theo: Right. Obviously.

Theo: Yeah. I’ve thought about it

Theo: Hypothetically

Liam: how much have you thought about it

Liam: hypothetically

Theo: Not sure you want to know the answer to that question.

Liam: i’m asking bc i want to know

Liam: dumbass

Theo: I’ve thought about it at night

Liam: tried it out on yourself?

Theo: Maybe.

Liam: imagined it was somebody else

Theo: Hypothetically?

Liam: yeah duh

Theo: Yeah hypothetically.

Liam: who did you imagine it was

Theo: You know who.

Liam: come on

Theo: You

Liam: that wasn’t so hard now was it

Theo: There are other things right now that are hard.

Liam: like what?

Theo: Do I have to say it

Liam: u don’t have to if u don’t want

Theo: But do you want me to?

Liam: what i want doesn’t matter, what matters is what u want

Theo: It’s not about what matters what who wants

Theo: It matters what you want.

Liam: oh

Liam: o h 

Liam: is that another thing u like?

Liam: another thing ur into

Theo: Sometimes.

Liam: so if i were there and i had a hand under your chin and i told u to tell me if you’re hard

Liam: would you?

Theo: Yes

Theo: What would you do next?

Liam: tell me first what u would look like

Theo: I guess I’d be looking at you, wouldn’t be able to look away

Theo: I might ask you what you intend to do with me

Liam: go on

Theo: If you didn’t respond right away I might try to beg with my eyes

Theo: Maybe struggle a little

Theo: Hypothetically

Liam: wouldn’t do you much good i bet

Liam: with you being tied so securely in this scenario

Liam: pretty helpless if i were to decide to lower my hand to your throat and press in a little

Liam: would you like that?

Theo: Yes

Liam: maybe my thumb would slip down to your pulse point

Theo: Squeeze it?

Liam: just a bit

Liam: make you wait for it. Just sit there in anticipation

Theo: Then what

Liam: then maybe lean in and tell you to open your mouth

Theo: Fuck

Liam: like that?

Theo: I don’t know what are you gonna do with my mouth

Liam: id take a minute to decide

Liam: maybe slip a thumb inside

Theo: Fuck

Liam: yeah

Liam: you like that too?

[Theo is typing…]

Liam: dont bite me obviously

Liam: …or maybe do

Theo: What are you trying to drive at

Liam: will u stop being so logical

Liam: this is NOT the time to be logical

Theo: Was under the impression the correct term was “insolent.” And that that’s something that is totally relevant at a time like this.

[Liam is typing…]

[Theo is typing…]

[Liam is typing…]

Theo: Forget I said that.

Liam: no fuck

Liam: you’re cool

Liam: actually

[Liam Dunbar is requesting a video call.]

[Call ended: 23 min 15 sec]

[Theo dropped a pin.]

Theo: That’s the place I was talking about.

Liam: yeah seedy looking af

Liam: i’m down

Liam: fri?

Theo: Can’t, work

Theo: Thursday is good.

Liam: gaming night. Dad’s night off

Theo: Right, I knew that.

Liam: ur invited too u doofus

Theo: What about after

Liam: depends

Liam: does this dubious af place have dubious hours to match

Theo: Open till 11

Liam: cool then we’re sneaking out the old-fashioned way

Theo: I am not breaking any more phalanges for you.

Liam: you say that now, and YET,,

[Theo is typing…]

Chapter Text

The Prevengers group chat

nowuseeme: so what are we getting theo for his bday

Velma: Sweet honey

Velma: Light of my life

Velma: Other half of my whole

Velma: This is the fucking group chat. Not a private thread

nowuseeme: yeah I’m aware. This is me strategically cutting thru the subterfuge bullshit by asking in the same gc that theo is in

Oliver Twist: aww but i love the subterfuge bullshit

RomeoMyRomero: said no one ever

Oliver Twist: says ME

Lumiere: and me

GMO Coywolf: Say the two kid wolves with a laundry list of traumas and no sense of self-preservation whatsoever.

nowuseeme: ‘i love the subterfuge bullshit’ says NOT me

GMO Coywolf: There is a man who properly appreciates the wisdom and benefits of PTSD.

nowuseeme: you’re the one who gave me PTSD, you dick.

GMO Coywolf: I’m sorry.

nowuseeme: sounds fake but ok

RomeoMyRomero: @nowuseeme wait did u not get the bedazzled apology card and gift basket from him in the mail

Lumiere: excuse me the what now

Brett Tolboi: everyone give Liam a second to catch up with the 20th century concept of sarcasm

Lori Roar: *21st

Lori Roar: Also I’m p sure sarcasm has been around since the first generation of humanity.

Velma: Absolutely

Velma: God said to Cain “kid where’s Abel” and Cain went “yo wtf I’m not my brother’s keeper”

Velma: Boom

Velma: First sarcasm, documented in the sacred texts

Oliver Twist: the lore thickens 👀

Lori Roar: Should I be concerned that Alec is referring to the sacred texts as lore?

RomeoMyRomero: let’s be honest tho honey 

RomeoMyRomero: after what alec did to your hair? is calling the bible lore the worst sin he’s ever committed

Oliver Twist: y’all just didn’t share my artistic vision

Oliver Twist: alas, tis true what the ancient greeks said. to be a genius is to be misunderstood

GMO Coywolf: Oscar Levant also said, “There’s a fine line between genius and insanity.” 

Oliver Twist: yeah but the question would be where IS that line

GMO Coywolf: Easy. You’ve fucking erased it.

Velma: asjhfgssl

Velma: This is so entertaining

Velma: I snuck out of the service to the bathroom and I’ve been here for the last 10 min

Lumiere: go back to church u sinner

Velma: Then stop texting me

Lumiere: you’re the one replying

Lumiere: codependent

Velma: I can stop any time

Lumiere: p sure there’s a dare commercial that starts just like that

Velma: All I have to do is block you

Lumiere: excuse me what

RomeoMyRomero: he said in a shocked voice for the second time that morning. shocked.

Velma: Yeah listen my homie Jesus said if your right hand causes you to sin then cut it off ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Lumiere: well then at that rate u shouldve been amputated since u were 12

nowuseeme: oh FUCK

nowuseeme: @Velma baby i’m sorry you got owned

Velma: @Lumiere excusez moi you started at ELEVEN

Lumiere: i’m a leftie 

Lumiere: ur homie jesus says i can go to heaven 😇

RomeoMyRomero: who’s in charge of these idiots bc it sure as fuck ain’t me

Oliver Twist: @GMO Coywolf

Lori Roar: @GMO Coywolf

Brett Tolboi: @GMO Coywolf 

GMO Coywolf: No.

Lori Roar: Every time Theo logs onto the group chat:

nowuseeme: ANYwho back to the issue at hand

nowuseeme: @GMO Coywolf wtf do you want for your bday

RomeoMyRomero: speak now or forever hold your peace

GMO Coywolf: Jesus it’s not my wedding.

Oliver Twist: with the level of caginess you’re acting rn it might as well be

GMO Coywolf: Wtf is that supposed to mean?

Velma: Maybe it’s his birthday. Maybe it’s his wedding. Maybe it’s Maybelline

Lumiere: i wanna die

Oliver Twist: hey @nowuseeme so im at the thrift store rn and i found the PERFECT gift for theo ever

Oliver Twist: see attached :) 

RomeoMyRomero: BAHAHAHA

Lori Roar: No longer a danger to society? That passive aggressive smiley would say otherwise

GMO Coywolf: That’s the look on my face as I silently plot your demise.

Lumiere: that was most definitely not the face you had when you silently plotted our demise

Lumiere: actually

Lumiere: come to think of it

Lumiere: you weren’t even silent at all

Lumiere: you never could shut the fuck up

nowuseeme: finally, a message I can get behind.

Lumiere: you literally flirted with anything and everything that crawled the earth

nowuseeme: on second thought I retract my previous statement

Velma: You sure he flirted with everyone? Or just you?

Brett Tolboi: p sure if I’d been around the pack then he’d have flirted with me too

RomeoMyRomero: see, it’s these toxic levels of testosterone in the puppy pack that convince me every day we’re fucked.

Brett Tolboi: I can’t help it. It’s just my…how do you say it…ah yes. my je ne sais quoi

Lumiere: u mean ur je ne sais fuck off

GMO Coywolf: @Brett Tolboi Don’t even flatter yourself. I have standards.

Velma: Clearly.

GMO Coywolf: What is that supposed to mean?

Lumiere: H E Y

Velma: I said nothing

Oliver Twist: oh no you sure said something

Lumiere: explain urself

Lumiere: 

Velma: I am running away at very fast and very gay speeds

Lumiere: thats what i thought

Private messages between Liam Dunbar and Theo Raeken

Liam: just to be sure u were talking about me right?

Theo: When?

Liam: just now

Liam: in the gc

Theo: Not a clue what you’re referring to.

Liam: oh hey ig there goes that cake i was baking for u

Liam: just hanging out there now

Liam: in the trash bin

Theo: Well thank God for that.

The Prevengers group chat

Brett Tolboi: hello we're missing the point here

Lori Roar: Which is?

Brett Tolboi: me

Lori Roar: Of course it is.

Brett Tolboi: he insulted the leader of the pack. Of which he was a probationary member

Brett Tolboi: congrats @GMO Coywolf you just failed your probation

GMO Coywolf: Hard to be on probation for something I’m not even a part of.

Brett Tolboi: oh that’s right, bc I threw you out a long time ago. Ty for the reminder

RomeoMyRomero: umm no bc your pack literally does not exist?? @Brett Tolboi 

Lumiere: yeah wtf IM the alpha ??

Velma: You’re not

RomeoMyRomero: no you are not

Brett Tolboi: my pack DOES exist

Oliver Twist: lmao bi erasure at its finest

Lumiere: im also bi and im the alpha

nowuseeme: fuck me if im wrong but i was heavily under the impression that Scott McCall the True Alpha was the alpha of this pack

Lumiere: do u really want somebody to answer that questionably worded sentence

Velma: @Lumiere you’ve driven Corey to proper capitalization. Now look what you’ve done

Lori Roar: Wait isn’t Scott bi too?

Oliver Twist: he is?

Lori Roar: Alec.

Lori Roar: He’s literally dating Isaac

Oliver Twist: thought he was with that kira person

Oliver Twist: the foxy foxy stabby stabby uber cool girl i never got to meet

RomeoMyRomero: he was, and then they were dating Isaac together, but now its kira n malia exclusively so scott and isaac went exclusive too

Velma: I am swishing my legs and twirling my phone cord around my finger

Velma: This is so juicy

Velma: Tell me more

Lumiere: wtf i thought u were in church

Velma: I’m in heaven rn is what I am

nowuseeme: *heaven for gossips

Velma: Baby you understand me. You complete me 😘

Lumiere: get yourselves and your disgusting asses outta this chat

Oliver Twist: liam: *sees any shred of evidence of a healthy, supportive and loving relationship*

Oliver Twist: liam: 

GMO Coywolf: Healthy, supportive and loving relationships are revolting.

Velma: Wow this explains SO MUCH about you

Oliver Twist: wait no one ever answered my fucking question is scott bi

Lumiere: hes poly

RomeoMyRomero: right because ppl can’t be bi and poly at the same time

Lumiere: they can’t?

Brett Tolboi: 

Lumiere: 

nowuseeme: well to answer alec’s question @Oliver Twist uh yes. Yes scott is the alpha

Lumiere: we weren’t talking about the mccall pack. we were talking bout the little pack

Lori Roar: The little pack??

RomeoMyRomero: puppy pack

Brett Tolboi: there is no puppy pack

Brett Tolboi: we were talking about the Talbot pack

Lumiere: brett u literally just came back into town, got ur ass run over by some dumbass hunters and then decided u have a new pack

Brett Tolboi: well yeah Dumbar that’s exactly how it works in this town

Brett Tolboi: flee from trauma. Survive new trauma. Decide to fuck shit up and get a new pack

Brett Tolboi: boom. Every pack ever from beacon hills

RomeoMyRomero: y’all aren’t even a separate pack, you’re part of the puppy pack

GMO Coywolf: And the so-called ‘puppy pack’ is separate from the McCall pack how?

Velma: We all got traumatized in our freshman year instead of sophomore so our emotional growth is severely stunted

Lumiere: excuse me YOUR emotional growth is severely stunted. mine is just fucking fine

RomeoMyRomero: 

Lumiere: 🙄

Velma: Right

Velma: So you making pincushion dolls of everyone in Beacon Hills who has ever hurt you is clear evidence of your emotional maturity

Lumiere: u PROMISED u would keep that a secret you fucking traitor

Lumiere: also my therapist says emotional repression leads to constipation

nowuseeme: i’m f a i r l y certain that is not what a therapist would say

Lumiere: no youre right actually my therapist said u only feel one thing at a time s obvs just channel that to get rid of it :) 

Velma: That…did not sound like a licensed therapist’s advice either

RomeoMyRomero: maybe he’s doing drugs

RomeoMyRomero: smoking stuff can make you stumble on some real enlightened shit on your own

Lori Roar: Gurl

RomeoMyRomero: not that I’m speaking from personal experience,

nowuseeme: uh

nowuseeme: we should chat about that later hayden

nowuseeme: back to what i was saying

nowuseeme: liam i saw you beating the sidewalk with a broken stick last week

Oliver Twist: ohh yeah what about the time he broke into theo’s truck to steal all his napkins

Lumiere: they were high quality napkins

Lori Roar: Or the time he flopped down in the grass and fell asleep there in front of Mason’s mom

Private messages between Liam Dunbar and Theo Raeken

Theo: I am not your fucking therapist.

Liam: ur wisdom regarding constipation stands nonetheless

Theo: I don’t have the money to withstand litigation when your petty ass decides to sue me because it didn’t work.

Liam: oh boohoo

Liam: guess youll have to pay me back in other ways

Theo: Do not say sleeping in my truck.

Liam: letting me sleep in ur truck?

Theo: No.

Liam: what about when its end of lacrosse season and im suuuuuper tired

Theo: Fine. But only then.

Liam: :) 

Theo: Just don’t go stealing my fucking napkins again.

Liam: :/

Theo: Or drool on the seat belt again.

Liam: :((

Theo: We could do other things though again

Liam is typing…

The Prevengers group chat

GMO Coywolf: Or how about the time Liam said he hoped Mason would be cursed to eat non-leafy green vegetables for the rest of his life?

nowuseeme: liam said W H A T

Lumiere: ok POT

Lumiere: @GMO Coywolf acting like he has ANY emotional growth to speak of

GMO Coywolf: No growth to worry about if there are no emotions to begin with.

Lumiere: ok then mr. Mansplain manipulate manslaughter

Lori Roar: 👀

Oliver Twist: 👀👀

Several people are typing…

Private messages between Liam Dunbar and Mason Hewitt

Liam: so i mightve done a thing

Mason: 👀

Mason: A thing or A Thing?

Liam: askfjlfkjdalk

Chapter Text

The Prevengers group chat

Lumiere: ok can someone pls explain why the first gift theo had to open today was exactly one sock

nowuseeme: one sock?

Mason Hewitt: Wdym one sock

Lumiere: i mean one (1) sock

Oliver Twist: i see. one (1) sock

Brett Tolboi: alright then which one of you motherfuckers is gonna own up to it

Lori Roar: Wait, how does Liam know about this mysterious one (1) sock and nobody else does?

RomeoMyRomero: easy. Everyone actually knows about it but is pretending not to in order to abscond responsibility

Lori Roar: Ahh so you mean an inside joke.

Lori Roar: 

Velma: Wait so to be clear so everyone is in on this one (1) sock thing?

Oliver Twist: either that or like everyone is playing dumb

Oliver Twist: which is like. Not cool

Oliver Twist: bc Theo deserves a nice bday gift yknow

Lumiere: well now u seem weirdly invested in this

GMO Coywolf: Liam just let it go. It’s not a big deal.

Velma: No no no let the man finish

Oliver Twist: @Lumiere hm actually methinks *you’re* the weirdly invested party

Lori Roar: They’re weirdly invested in each other

Oliver Twist: @Lori Roar you know you MAY be onto something about this 🤔

Lori Roar: 🤔

Oliver Twist: we should discuss this further 🤔

Lori Roar: Over coffee? 🤔

RomeoMyRomero: 🤔

Brett Tolboi: wHaT is happening

Lumiere: its theos bday literally why is everyone bullying him

Lumiere: @Brett Tolboi hey i thought u were theos buddy why dont u defend him where is your sense of loyalty

Brett Tolboi: flew out the window with all my fucks left to give

nowuseeme: wait no so if we follow Liam’s line of reasoning that means everyone is in on the one (1) sock except for Liam himself

nowuseeme: this is a delicious take

RomeoMyRomero: and in the same vein ykw else we should be asking? Why Liam knows exactly what Theo is opening first for his bday

Oliver Twist: they woke up together after consumating their star-crossed romance. I thought we already established this

Velma: *consummating

Oliver Twist: don’t you fucking dare spellcheck me when i’m making a point

Lori Roar: But ‘consumating’ would be pronounced ‘kon-soo-may-ting’ whereas ‘consummating’ is ‘kon-suh-may-ting’. The way it’s supposed to be pronounced

RomeoMyRomero: yeah that’s what they call a shwarma sound

Velma: *shwa

nowuseeme: so are we just ignoring how liam and theo are suddenly inedible in this chat

Velma: *inaudible

Velma: Jesus CHRIST it is a heavy burden to bear the brain cell of this pack

Brett Tolboi: consummating or not I’m more interested to know what Liam got Theo

nowuseeme: also we can agree that the 1 sock was Alec right

Oliver Twist: LIES and SLANDER

Oliver Twist: i would never in a million years have picked a puking frog print

RomeoMyRomero: I—

Lori Roar: 🤦♀️

RomeoMyRomero: are you gonna tell him or shall I

Lumiere: @Oliver Twist if ur not guilty then u wouldnt have known the exact print of that fugly sock

Brett Tolboi: yeah yeah Theo’s delicate fashion sensibilities have been wounded

Brett Tolboi: @GMO Coywolf what did your boy get you

GMO Coywolf: He’s not my boy.

Velma: He speaks! Also, no one gives a shit. Just tell us

GMO Coywolf: 

Lori Roar: Nice try distracting us with your armpit hair.

RomeoMyRomero: that’s the part you noticed? Girl my eyes went straight to the wet spot on the bed

nowuseeme: now is the moment of truth. Do you wet the bed, Theodore Raeken?

Oliver Twist: IS NOBODY GOING TO COMMENT ABOUT THE FACT THAT LIAM IS NOW A CAT

Velma: Y’all seriously need to be getting more than 4 hours of sleep a night

GMO Coywolf: Liam gave me a kitten, you dipshits.

Oliver Twist: alskfljdlfdjkj W H A T OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

Lori Roar: Holy shit seriously that is *adorable*

RomeoMyRomero: how old?

nowuseeme: from where ??

Velma: What’s its name??

Lumiere: everyone meet athena 2.0

Oliver Twist: …

Brett Tolboi: you can’t be serious right

GMO Coywolf: It’s not your kitten so you all have no fucking say in this.

RomeoMyRomero: 

nowuseeme: wait wait so how old is she?

Lumiere: its a boy

Oliver Twist: wow so Theo double didn’t give a fuck with the name

Lumiere: it is his emotional support kitten u dick

nowuseeme: yes yes yes but how old??

GMO Coywolf: 4 months.

Lori Roar: I am going to D I E this is so fucking cute

nowuseeme: is athena 2.0 the one who wet the bed

GMO Coywolf: No one wet the bed.

RomeoMyRomero: sounds defensive to me

Brett Tolboi: @GMO Coywolf oh so Liam wet the bed

Velma: Guys you know there is a very simple and obvious alternate explanation for that spot right?

Lumiere: MASON EARL HEWITT I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD ,

Brett Tolboi: 

Brett Tolboi: Liam calling his lawyer to redact mason from his will

Oliver Twist: wait go back @Velma what did you mean there is a simple explanation

Lori Roar: Babe.

RomeoMyRomeo: nobody tell him

nowuseeme: sweet child

Private messages between Liam Dunbar and Mason Hewitt

Liam: lklgurwoyfoij can u like NOT

Mason: What’s that?

Mason: Can’t hear you over the sound of me disowning you

Liam: U CANT DO THAT I DISOWNED U FIRST

Mason: Nah I’m p sure I disowned you before that

Liam: what w h e n

Mason: When I told you not to sleep with Theo without telling him how you feel 😇

Liam: wdyem i dont FEEL anything

Liam: except crippling rage and betrayal rn

Mason: You sure about that Liam

Mason: You really sure about that

Liam: not everyones heart is in their dick like u mase

Mason: You’re right I’m p sure your heart is already in Theo’s ass

[Liam is typing…]

Chapter Text

The Prevengers group chat

Oliver Twist: @Lumiere pls come collect your man he is on a  r o o f

Lumiere: ?

Oliver Twist: 

Lumiere: w h A T

Lumiere: what in the actual fuck

Private messages between Liam Dunbar and Theo Raeken

Liam: ???

Liam: theo what’s going on

Liam: u havent been responding to my messages what does alec mean ur on a roof?

Liam: DUDE ANSWER ME

Private messages between Liam Dunbar and Brett Talbot

Liam: is theo w you

Brett: yes

Liam: are you on the roof w him

Brett: yes

Liam: w h a t  are u doing together on the roof ?

Brett: yes

Liam: what

Brett: what

Liam: what

Liam: what roof

[Brett is typing…]

The Prevengers group chat

RomeoMyRomero: yo we need answers stat

RomeoMyRomero: @Oliver Twist get your scrawny orphan ass back here and answer our questions

Oliver Twist: y’all are orphans

RomeoMyRomero: well perceived. Now answer the fucking question.

Brett Tolboi: children children I can explain

Brett Tolboi: this is partie trois of the buddy birthday bash

Brett Tolboi: 

Brett Tolboi: this was partie deux. Got that pic of Theo picking out the piercing style he wanted from the catalog in the salon

Lumiere: EXCUSEZ MOI

Lori Roar: Wait his *what*

RomeoMyRomero: the more pertinent question is actually *where* 👀

Private messages between Liam Dunbar and Theo Raeken

Liam: theo

Liam: theo

Liam: theo

Liam: t h e o 

Liam: answer me u useless wad of used up 24hr virus tissue

Liam: u got a piercing and never told me u were gonna??

The Prevengers group chat

nowuseeme: five bucks says it’s on his nose

Velma: Your betting game is weeeeak babe. Ten bucks says it’s his septum

Lori Roar: I’ll take that action. Ten bucks it’s his lip

nowuseeme: oh yeah oh yeah lost childhood means he also never experienced the quintessential myspace snakebite era

RomeoMyRomero: guys it is brett the asshole talbot who took Theo to the studio. Dream big. Shoot for the stars

RomeoMyRomero: im placing my bet on a bridge piercing

Velma: Wait but wait. Let’s think about this strategically. Theo chose Brett to come with him and not Liam. So what does that mean?

Oliver Twist: thaaaaaat……he has an unhealthy codependency on bad boys who ate too much protein in preschool???

Velma: True and oddly specific but not as relevant

Lumiere: i ate just the RIGHT amount of protein fuck off

Oliver Twist: I think the part that's more concerning is how quickly you thought the bad boy part of my statement applied to you

Velma: I humbly raise the argument that Theo’s new piercing is somewhere he doesn’t want Liam to know now but will want him to know about later.

RomeoMyRomero: I—

Lori Roar: brb I need to dig up my anatomy book

[Several people are typing…]

Private messages between Liam Dunbar and Theo Raeken

Theo: I was going to tell you tonight.

Liam: WHEN.

Theo: When you decided to undress me.

Liam: aslfjroifuwjlkdjp

Liam: are u, 

Liam: suggesting that this piercing is somewhere the naked eye cannot see,

Theo: Take a wild guess.

Liam: thats not fair u KNOW im gonna immediately think of ur dick

Theo: Oh, I hadn’t even thought of that.

Liam: U MEAN IF YOUD DISCUSSED THIS WITH ME AND I SUGGESTED IT U WOULDVE GONE WITH A DICK PIERCING??? 👀

[Theo is requesting a video call.]

[Call ended: 1 min 27 sec]

Liam: fucnk you

Theo: 

Liam: double fukk u

Theo: Watch your spelling, baby beta.

Liam: what even are u guys doing on that roof and when are you coming home

[Theo is typing…]

Private messages between Liam Dunbar and Jenna Geyer

Liam: aslkfjlkfdj theo has a nipple piercing

Liam: SOS

Jenna: Sweetheart I love you and I love all the secrets that we share but do I even want to know how you procured this information?

Liam: shit

Liam: fuck

Liam: i mean

Liam: unsend that

Liam: YOU DIDNT READ THAT

Jenna: Swearing

Liam: shit sorry

Liam: i mean fuck

Liam: ur not mason

Jenna: I’m glad we’ve established that.

Liam: can we pls pls pls forget i sent any of that?

Jenna: 😁 Don’t think you left much room for plausible deniability, sweetie. 😁

Liam: i will do the dishes for a week if u dont tell dad

Jenna: You’re doing the dishes for two weeks and you’re sleeping on the couch downstairs where you can’t sneak up to Theo’s room at night. 🤔

Liam: mom pls i will do the dishes for a *month* just pls dont tell dad

Liam: and let me sleep in my room 😭u know I have a bad back from lacrosse 😭😭

Jenna: You have werewolf healing. 😁 You’ll be fine. 😁

[Liam is requesting a phone call.]

The Prevengers group chat

Lori Roar: TIL that people can and do have piercings on their fingers and between their butt cheeks and I did NOT need to know that

Oliver Twist: we need to take your mind off these horrors beyond your comprehension

RomeoMyRomero: we still havent got any answers as to why theo and Brett are on a ROOF

RomeoMyRomero: communication in this gc is a fucking nightmare I swear

Oliver Twist: me n lori just got here like 10 min ago bc brett told us to come

Lori Roar: Yeah apparently this is part like 4 or 5 in Brett’s 10-step therapy process to a Brave New Theo

Oliver Twist: he dared theo to jump off the roof of the ymca into the outdoor pool

nowuseeme: ??

nowuseeme: has he done it yet?

Velma: Pics or it didn’t happen

Oliver Twist: 

Oliver Twist: thats theo RUNNING to do brett’s dare

Velma: Oh, I thought that was a pic of Theo running to save Liam’s ass. Again.

nowuseeme: 

Lori Roar: Wow we really like to bully Theo’s ass don’t we

nowuseeme: what can I say his ass is just memeable

RomeoMyRomero: Im looking at the pic again and is that a *leather jacket* i see?

nowuseeme: yeah yeah yeah is it the return of evil gay theo?

Velma: Evil gay Theo as opposed to…?

RomeoMyRomero: 😂😂

nowuseeme: am i wrong

nowuseeme: am i WRONG

nowuseeme: he’s been literally walking around in bum fashion these past couple months

Velma: Honey he was homeless 😂

nowuseeme: not since he moved in with liam he wasn’t

RomeoMyRomero: shh give him a break hes been occupied with other things than shopping with liam around

Lori Roar: 👀

Velma: Hey where is Liam anyway he’s not answering my texts

Velma: Or reacting to any of the shit we’re saying here for that matter

Oliver Twist: this just in: Liam Dunbar & Theo Raeken way more attached at the hip than you think

Velma: Once again: pics or it didn’t happen

Oliver Twist: 

RomeoMyRomero: that is a *shoe*

Velma: Nahh I believe him. I’d know that funky lookin stain on the bottom of Liam’s shoe anywhere

nowuseeme: are they—are they stargazing

RomeoMyRomero: stargazing *what*

RomeoMyRomero: this is California you can’t see thru light pollution for shit

Oliver Twist: shhhhh let em be stupid and romantic 🤡

RomeoMyRomero: Gonzalez I have a bone to pick with you. Why don’t you ever take pics of these two idiots head on

Lori Roar: gurl I’m sorry did you forget the part about where we’re actual werewolves and our eyes in flash make us look like the eldritch horrors

Velma: Case and point:

Velma: 

RomeoMyRomero: slut vibes

Velma: Hayden what did we say about slutshaming

RomeoMyRomero: oop my bad. *slut (affectionate) vibes

Oliver Twist: whyyyy are Liam and Scott shirtless this is weeeeeeird 

nowuseeme: this just in: alec gonzalez experiencing a ruptured aneurysm over a coupla dudes skating shirtless in summer

Oliver: no no it’s like. Walking in on your dad when he’s coming out of the shower

RomeoMyRomero: yo remember when I took this pic of Liam Malia Scott and Kira

RomeoMyRomero: 

Lori Roar: asdfghjkl; oh my GODDDD

Lumiere: FUCK U I AM NOT THAT SMALL

nowuseeme has changed Lumiere ’s name to Little Eldritch Horror .

Little Eldritch Horor: COREY YOU MOTHERFUCKING TAKE THAT BACK

Velma: Somebody throwing a tantrum, hm?

Little Eldritch Horror: i am on my LAST FUCKING STRAW w you guys !!

Velma has changed Little Eldritch Horror ’s name to Little Eldritch Tantrum .

Little Eldritch Tantrum: i am dumping ALL of you and starting a new fucking pack 😡

Brett Tolboi: aww don’t be mad Dumbar. Told you everyone would eventually come over to my pack

RomeoMyRomero: the chaos has evolved to delightful proportions 😈

Velma: Madam may I make my humble contribution to the chaos making?

RomeoMyRomero: hell yeah go for it

Velma: 

Oliver Twist: what the FUCK is that

Velma: Theo standing at Liam’s bedroom window when I threw a rock at it 😌

Lori Roar: I’m sensing this is one of those moments when you’re waiting for us to ask for context

Velma: Context requested? Context received 😌

Velma: This was when Liam was claiming that Theo did NOT climb up to his room regularly for sleepovers

nowuseeme: wait babe @Velma was this doritos incident?

RomeoMyRomero: !!

RomeoMyRomero: ???

Velma: Yes, babe. This was Doritos incident 😌

[Several people are typing…]

Private messages between Mason Hewitt and Corey Bryant

Corey: so i’m changing my bet

Mason: Hm?

Corey: about his piercing. hehehehe

Mason: Honey I am vibrating please tell me your Thoughts

[Corey is requesting a video call.]

[Video call ended: 39 min 41 sec]

The Prevengers group chat

Oliver Twist: 

Oliver Twist: good morning it is a beautiful day to ruin Liam and Theo’s morning 😊

RomeoMyRomero: oh tysm for that very much needed context bc I was out here about to ask what those blanket lumps were

nowuseeme: @Velma

nowuseeme: @Velma

nowuseeme: @Velma

nowuseeme: @Velma wake up babe new blackmail material just dropped

[Several people are typing…]

Chapter Text

The Prevengers group chat

nowuseeme: hello today is a good day to die

Oliver Twist: friday?

nowuseeme: no the 13th

Oliver Twist: what about the 13th

RomeoMyRomero: Nahh man we don’t believe in shit like that

RomeoMyRomero: if we did then the nemeton would be the least of our problems

Little Eldritch Tantrum: @RomeoMyRomero *whacks you* no

Little Eldritch Tantrum: we do not use the name of the Thing That Shall Not Be Named

Lori Roar: Voldemort?

Little Eldritch Tantrum: i said Thing, not He

Oliver Twist: wdym

Oliver Twist: what’s going on i thought only Theo did that thing where he doesn’t say god in writing

GMO Coywolf: Ok first of all fuck you and second of all I’m Jewish.

Oliver Twist: i’m sorry was that—was that fuck you meant for me

Oliver Twist: or was it more like a general fuck you

Oliver Twist: a generic call of hostility to the masses, if you will

Brett Tolboi: more like a call of attention to the stick up his ass

nowuseeme: i see Fri the 13th is already off to an amazing start

Lori Roar: Excuse me nobody ever answered my question what was the Thing That Shall Not Be Named

Lori Roar: Voldemort’s nose???

Oliver Twist: y on earth would we be scared to name some random dude’s nose????

RomeoMyRomero: oh my fucking god they were talking about the NEMETON

Little Eldritch Tantrum: THERE YOU FUCKING GO AGAIN

Little Eldritch Tantrum has removed RomeoMyRomero from the chat.

Velma has added RomeoMyRomero to the chat.

Little Eldritch Tantrum has removed Velma and nowuseeme from the chat.

Oliver Twist has added Velma and nowuseeme to the chat.

Little Eldritch Tantrum has removed Oliver Twist from the chat.

GMO Coywolf has added Oliver Twist to the chat.

Brett Tolboi: environmental storytelling

Oliver Twist: @Little Eldritch Tantrum if you wanna get rid of me you gotta get rid of the source 😘

Oliver Twist: thanks dad @GMO Coywolf 😘

RomeoMyRomero: @Velma thanks for having my back man

Velma: Any time sweetie you’re always welcome to be my partner in crime to pull Liam’s panties in a twist

Brett Tolboi: yeah I’m p sure Theo does all that on his own

Oliver Twist: eww

Lori Roar: Minors present

nowuseeme: great now that we’ve decided who twists whose panties on a regular basis can we all go back to agreeing that Fri the 13th is a terrible horrible despicable absolutely no good day

GMO Coywolf: Like, this Friday the 13th in particular or?

nowuseeme: no like in general yk

GMO Coywolf: I just realized, Friday the 13th this year falls on a Friday.

GMO Coywolf: Ha. That’s a neat coincidence.

RomeoMyRomero: 

Oliver Twist: 

Little Eldritch Tantrum: …

Velma: Theodore.

Velma: Theodore Raeken.

Brett Tolboi: this is the part where I absolutely relish the fact that Theo’s still on probation for my pack

GMO Coywolf: What even is going on, you nitwits?

Private chat between Liam Dunbar and Theo Raeken

Liam: wait do u actually want me to tell you whats going on or

Theo: Not you. I wouldn’t trust you with a Walmart toothbrush.

Liam: h  a r s h

Liam: but you’d trust me with ur life tho right? 😊

[Theo is typing…]

The Prevengers group chat

Velma: Ok but barring the fact that we are all Oh So Shocked that sewer boy doesn’t know the cultural significance of the phrase ‘Friday the 13th,’ why does this Friday the 13th suck for you babe @nowuseeme ?

Little Eldritch Tantrum: can we pls come up with something more original than sewer boy

nowuseeme: *liam’s boy

Little Eldritch Tantrum: LIKE THATS EVEN ANY BETTER

Velma: *anyway*

Velma: @nowuseeme you were saying? What’s going on?

nowuseeme: nm just AGONY! AGONY!!!

nowuseeme: anyway hehe how is everybody

RomeoMyRomero: 

GMO Coywolf: @nowuseeme What the fuck are you on about? Stop deflecting and go back to the agony part.

Little Eldritch Tantrum: oh, this coming from the king of deflection

Velma: @nowuseeme is Christmas decorating with the family really that much of a horror? :( 

nowuseeme: :/ it would be less of a horror if the fam was actually here :/

Oliver Twist: awwwww 🙁

Velma: @nowuseeme You said they were going to be there for the holidays??

Private chat between Mason Hewitt and Corey Bryant

Mason: Pasky :( You said you’d call me if you got sad!

Corey: don’t call me pasky when i’m vulnerable

Corey: also can you come over

Mason: Of course I can come over. That never was a question

Mason: Omw now

Mason: Mint, pumpkin or strawberry?

[Corey is typing…]

Mason: Don’t overthink it

Corey: can it be all 3? I’ll pay you back babe

Mason: Nonsense

Mason: Mint punkin n strawberry coming right up

[Corey is requesting a video call.]

Mason: Hollon lemme get the engine started first

[Mason is requesting a video call.]

[Video call ended: 13 min 1 sec]

The Prevengers group chat

RomeoMyRomero: this is actually legit sad

RomeoMyRomero: @nowuseeme wdym your parents aren’t there for the holidays?

nowuseeme: they just aren’t

nowuseeme: I mean it’s nothing new yk

RomeoMyRomero: ok like that made it sound *better*

Little Eldritch Tantrum: corey when are they coming back?

nowuseeme: the 2nd why?

Little Eldritch Tantrum: nothin nothin just wondering when i can go beat down their door and have em square up w me

nowuseeme: you know it’s my door too right

Little Eldritch Tantrum: just mark which one is ur door and ill spare that one

Velma: Paint over the lintel with a brush of blood

Oliver Twist: that got real dark real fast

Velma: Wait you do know what that was a reference to right

Lori Roar: Painting…….blood over a doorway?? Like some strange and sad call for help in a zombie apocalypse? Which is actually *very* counterintuitive if you ask me

Velma: The fact that all the best Catholic jokes get lost on you disappoints me

GMO Coywolf: I got that one.

Velma: Yeah but you literally read the Torah last year as a trauma coping mechanism and you still don't know what the hell Friday the 13th is so you’re getting no brownie points from me, sewer boy

Oliver Twist: ok?? Well *I* didn’t get that one?

Little Eldritch Tantrum: alec u are literally catholic how did u not get that one

Oliver Twist: ex-fucking-scuse me my biological parents DIED before my formative years in religion were over

RomeoMyRomero: @Little Eldritch Tantrum dunking on everybody else to hide the fact that *he* didn’t get the reference either

Little Eldritch Tantrum: hey hey hey how bout we go back to talking about the fact that corey is stuck home alone for xmas and we really should be fucking doing something about it

Brett Tolboi: torch the Bryants’ cars

Velma: That’s a lot of cars to torch

nowuseeme: probs wouldn’t even miss the maserati

Little Eldritch Tantrum: “probs wouldn’t even miss the Maserati” MY ASS

Little Eldritch Tantrum: how do fucking rich assholes like your family even exist

Velma: [attached: IMG_202112213392715.jpg]

Velma: When your family is so fucking loaded they got a five-person team of professional holiday decorators

Velma: To decorate while you’re *gone for the actual holidays*

nowuseeme: @Little Eldritch Tantrum ok well you’re one to talk Mr. My Dad Is a Doctor and My Mom Owns a Publishing Company

RomeoMyRomero: fr?? Then why the hell was he always driving me around in a rust bucket on wheels on our dates???

Little Eldritch Tantrum: excuse me that rust bucket took you on memorable *adventures*

RomeoMyRomero: oh yeah I got the whole immersive experience

RomeoMyRomero: was real romantic changing not one tire but two in the middle of the woods about 0.5 seconds before the big bad monster of the week came crashing thru the trees

Oliver Twist: well at least liam doesn’t have to worry about teaching anyone to change tires bc he has someone else to teach him properly these days

GMO Coywolf: What does that even mean.

Oliver Twist: bold of you to assume I was talking about you, Theodore

Lori Roar: Bold of you to assume ‘changing tires’ was a euphemism for anything, Theodore

RomeoMyRomero: oh god there’s two of em

GMO Coywolf: Bold of you to assume you both aren’t on my last nerve, Alejandro. Lorilei.

Velma: damn

Little Eldritch Tantrum: wait THATS alec’s full name??

Little Eldritch Tantrum: this is so weird

Little Eldritch Tantrum: this is sooo weeeeeeird

Little Eldritch Tantrum: alec is like. a floating baby amoeba

Little Eldritch Tantrum: a formless, nameless petri dish of bad jokes and unresolved trauma

Little Eldritch Tantrum: hes not allowed to have a full name

Little Eldritch Tantrum: it just goes against the grain of nature

GMO Coywolf: Okay then, William Eugene Dunbar.

Velma: DAMNNNN

Velma: 

Velma: You made Corey smile for the first time tonight. Thank you for your service, sewer boy @GMO Coywolf

nowuseeme has changed GMO Coywolf ’s name to sewerboi .

Little Eldritch Tantrum has removed sewerboi from the chat.

RomeoMyRomero: HE REMOVED THEO

RomeoMyRomero: IT FINALLY HAPPENED

Lori Roar: Congratulations

Lori Roar: 

Velma: I was under the impression that we’re breaking down Liam to his last straw on a daily basis in the chat

Oliver Twist has added sewerboi to the chat.

Oliver Twist: @sewerboi I take payment in the form of cash, Venmo or cat pics pls and thanks

sewerboi: No.

Oliver Twist: cat pics or I tell them all about the oreo incident

Sewerboi: How about double no.

Velma: Oreo incident??

Lori Roar: Why are Theo-adjacent incidents always involving food?

nowuseeme: @Lori Roar please like we don’t all know alec already told you the deets

Little Eldritch Tantrum: wait wait @sewerboi @Oliver Twist was this oreo incident related to the slushee incident? ?

Oliver Twist: …

Oliver Twist: 

Oliver Twist: go on and steal all my fun then why don’t you

Lori Roar: Aww does someone need a little scratch behind the ear in commiseration

Oliver Twist: @Lori Roar I need christmas cuddles i’m begging you

Brett Tolboi: 

Brett Tolboi: me tryna see if Gonzalez is in real pain or just making another unnecessary hormonal teenager move

Oliver Twist: this is CYBERBULLYING

Oliver Twist: you’re all CYBERBULLIES

Little Eldritch Tantrum: takes one to know one

Oliver Twist: @sewerboi DEFEND ME YOU ASSHOLE

sewerboi: 

Oliver Twist: I will not be BOUGHT with measly pics of kitten paws like some damn CONSOLATION PRIZE

RomeoMyRomero: 😂

Oliver Twist: …send more 👀

sewerboi: Once again, no.

Oliver Twist: Liam

Oliver Twist: Liam

Oliver Twist: LiAmMmMMM

Oliver Twist: plsssssssss send me cat pics of Athena or i’ll tell them about the tennis ball incident

RomeoMyRomero: is this just y’all’s life now since I left? Missing braincells and blackmail material everywhere?

Velma: Excuse me I’m the keeper of the braincell

RomeoMyRomero: oh so it’s a singular braincell now I get it

Little Eldritch Tantrum: I HAVE A BRAINCELL

Little Eldritch Tantrum: i resent that

Brett Tolboi: just one?

RomeoMyRomero: yeah like dude where is it?

RomeoMyRomero: you should give it a break and stop cooping it up in that lacrosse helmet, Liam

RomeoMyRomero: dust it off and put on its little doggie coat

RomeoMyRomero: take it for a walk outside

[Little Eldritch Tantrum is typing…]

Velma: I do so love our little teatime talks. 😌

Little Eldritch Tantrum: 

Oliver Twist: I said pics of *cats* Liam not flipped birds

Velma: Hollon hollon I gotchu fam

Velma: 

Little Eldritch Tantrum: THAT WAS A PRIVATE PIC YOU DICKHEAD

Brett Tolboi: hmm hair’s looking p silky

Brett Tolboi: Theo looks all right too

Little Eldritch Tantrum: 🗡️😡🔪

RomeoMyRomero: ✨slut vibes ✨

Oliver Twist: I—

RomeoMyRomero: hey what can I say the sluttiest thing a man can do is love and cherish his cat

Velma: Hey hey y’all should come over to Corey’s rn actually

Velma: Take the cyber outta the cyberbullying

nowuseeme: oh yeah it’ll be more convenient here

Velma: Bring Athena with you too

sewerboi: Athena 2.0. You peasants.

Velma: My bad. If it pleases you, my liege, the presence of Her Illustriousness Athena 2.0, whose likeness is paralleled by no other, is specifically requested at the Bryant abode. Stat.

[Several people are typing…]

Chapter Text

The Prevengers group chat

Velma: Is it just me or does everybody agree that we hardly see Liam and Theo pop up in the chat anymore?

nowuseeme: was that ever even a question? obvs keeping each other’s tongues occupied is a full time job

Lori Roar: Ok but like? Theo has an actual ass job??

Lori Roar: He told me so

Lori Roar: So wtf does he do when he has to be there

nowuseeme: bold of u to assume he would even clock in to work anymore

nowuseeme: what with him getting all his life sustenance and dopamine hits from *cough cough* alternative sources *cough*

RomeoMyRomero: bold of you to assume he wouldn’t find a way to get that dough *and* get those buns at the same time

Oliver Twist: bold of u to assume that he wouldn’t just use his evil little experiment childhood to invent a way to surgically attach Liam’s mouth to his

Velma: …

Velma: Alec it is nine fucking twenty-nine in the morning

Velma: LET ME EAT MY FIBER ONE IN PEACE

RomeoMyRomero: why tf are you eating fiber one?? Masochist

Oliver Twist: *geriatric

nowuseeme: he has gastrointestinal issues

Brett Tolboi: there goes my appetite too ig

nowuseeme: no no u don’t understand it’s part of his charm

Velma: It’s true Corey packs me extra Lactaid every time we go on a date

Oliver Twist: i can just see them senior superlatives coming up before my eyes

Oliver Twist: Mason Hewitt, BHHS valedictorian, 4.99 GPA, Most Likely to Shit His Pants on Romantic Rendezvous

Velma: exCUSE me wtf do you mean 4.99???

RomeoMyRomero: like cmon man you gotta admit that the ghost riders annihilating the library and half the faculty body being secretly armed bigots against the teenage supernatural population had to have jeopardized like a hundredth percentage point of your gpa

Velma: I’ll have you ALL know it’s 4.9999

Brett Tolboi: sorry guys, it was actually all the afternoons of staring at my wet abs on the field that did in that last .0001 for him

Velma: I am in the prime of my fucking youth. I can multitask

Oliver Twist: the way i heard it mason was mostly there for moral support of liam ogling brett’s abs

Velma: Heard from *whomst*??

Brett Tolboi: children children. There’s more than enough of my abs to go around. It’s ok to admit that both mase and liam were ogling my abs

Lori Roar: @RomeoMyRomero did I not TELL you it takes seven seconds before my dickwad brother makes everything into an uncomfortable sexual experience

RomeoMyRomero: idk babes personally I find it highly entertaining

Lori Roar: The fact that he has to mention his abs every five minutes for attention???

RomeoMyRomero: no the fact that his abs have to fill in for the severe lack of personality

Brett Tolboi: I have *personality*

Lori Roar: Yeah a personality disorder

nowuseeme: that’s ableist :( 

nowuseeme: but so so true

Little Eldritch Tantrum: personality disorders make things interesting :) 

Little Eldritch Tantrum: not u tho @Brett Tolboi 

Oliver Twist: behold he speaks

Velma: Just to be clear guys. Liam is def referring to his new boyfriend and not himself

Little Eldritch Tantrum: yeah my disorder sucks >:(

Little Eldritch Tantrum: but it’s all gucci when u got an anchor

sewerboi: You know what else anchors do?

sewerboi: They wrap around your body and drag you down to the sea floor. Where they drown you.

Little Eldritch Tantrum: awww honey u don’t have to pull out all the stops for me

sewerboi: Don’t flatter yourself. It’s an ordinary Tuesday hit for me.

Velma: *flings holy water at you* the power of Christ COMPEL you to cease this disgusting display of affection

Oliver Twist: i’m gagging

Oliver Twist: i think i liked it better when they disappeared into the void to make out till their faces fell off

Oliver Twist: at least then there was a smidgen of plausible deniability

Oliver Twist: yo guys speaking of. You wanna know wtf I found when I picked up my lunch from theo’s fridge

nowuseeme: a jar of organs in formaldehyde

RomeoMyRomero: a machete.

Velma: All his childhood trauma wrapped up by Liam in a brown bag

Oliver Twist: N O but close

Oliver Twist:

Oliver Twist: now I’M the child that’s been fucking traumatized

Lori Roar: 🤮

Little Eldritch Tantrum: THE BLUE LUNCH BAG WAS NOT FOR YOU

Little Eldritch Tantrum: IT WAS CLEARLY LABELED BABY

Oliver Twist: HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THATS WHAT YOU CALL HIM

Oliver Twist: last week you called him a grade A toe wart

Little Eldritch Tantrum: that was before our romantic issues got resolved

Little Eldritch Tantrum: anyway that means theo went to work without lunch >:( u should be ashamed of urself young man

Oliver Twist: 🎵caught in a landslide, no escape from reality 🎶

Oliver Twist: 🎵open your eyes, look up to the skies and see 🎶

Oliver Twist: 🎵i’m just a poor boy 🎶

sewerboi: You forget the last part of that lyric says you need no sympathy.

sewerboi: And it’s fine Liam, I had lunch. Was just wondering why mine had a Capri Sun in it.

RomeoMyRomero: hold up hold up hold up. Are we all just ignoring the implication that Alec is living with these two miscreants?

Lori Roar: @Oliver Twist I thought you were living with Ms. McCall?

Oliver Twist: yeah but like. my horoscope app told me last week to make sure i show kindness to the elderly

Oliver Twist: so clearly my mission this month is to do regular check-ups on theo

sewerboi: Fuck you.

Oliver Twist: pass

Little Eldritch Tantrum: umm?? that is clearly. a lie???

Velma: Deets? NOW

Little Eldritch Tantrum: Alec started sleepwalking in the middle of beacon hills last week and theo found him wandering around on plum rd and drove him home

Little Eldritch Tantrum: then the next thing we know alec’s sleepwalking half-shifted ass is scratching at the window of theo’s bedroom and theo has to open up and let him crawl inside before anyone sees this weird dog boy hanging around outside the apt

Oliver Twist: MALICE AND SLANDER

Oliver Twist: i came bearing gifts

RomeoMyRomero: oh you mean like rabies?

Oliver Twist: i had a pack of oreos with me!!

Little Eldritch Tantrum: u took all the cream out first and gave us the dry cookies

Oliver Twist: well that was bc i had to wake up in the middle of the night in some strange bed to THIS sight

Oliver Twist:

Little Eldritch Tantrum: serves u right. oreo cream robber.

Velma: Is that Theo

sewerboi: Someone had to give him a good enough scare not to repeat sleepwalking to my apartment.

Little Eldritch Tantrum: dont kid urself babe u literally jumped on the bed and cuddled with him right after that pic was taken >:(

RomeoMyRomero: aww

Lori Roar: Is that an honest to god dresser I spy in the pic?

Velma: That’s Lydia’s old one

nowuseeme: been trying to get Theo to decorate his place for months

Little Eldritch Tantrum: ive domesticated him 😌

Velma: Ok then naked dog boy

Little Eldritch Tantrum: that was O N E  T I M E

sewerboi: I mean, not really. You’re a naked dog boy with me every day.

RomeoMyRomero:

RomeoMyRomero: BAD CHIMERA

Velma has removed sewerboi from the chat .

Little Eldritch Tantrum: i regret giving u any of my special flavored ring pops in 2nd grade ever

Little Eldritch Tantrum has added sewerboi to the chat .

Velma has removed Little Eldritch Tantrum from the chat.

sewerboi has removed Velma from the chat .

Oliver Twist has added Velma to the chat .

Oliver Twist has removed Little Eldritch Tantrum and sewerboi from the chat .

Lori Roar: Damn

Oliver Twist: i have a BONE to pick w the two of em

Lori Roar: They did traumatize your sensitive ass didn’t they

Oliver Twist: you think my ass is sensitive? 🥺

Lori Roar: 😘

Brett Tolboi: ill magnanimously overlook that

Brett Tolboi: @Oliver Twist ig you might be my favorite lil orphan today

Lori Roar: @Brett Tolboi though I was your favorite orphan ?? Freak

Brett Tolboi: stfu youre my favorite orphan every other day of the year god can you be more greedy

RomeoMyRomero: Anywho i think what the beanstalk is trying to say is that was v brave of you Alec

Brett Tolboi has changed Oliver Twist’s name to fordo baggins .

Velma: It’s Frodo Baggins you uncultured swine

Brett Tolboi: eh wtv you get the point

fordo baggins: not sure if this is a compliment or not

Velma: ALEJANDRO MIGUEL GONZALEZ

Velma: Do you mean to imply you have never read or seen The Lord of the Rings

fordo baggins: isn’t that the one with the lil man with the big feet who almost got eaten by trolls

Velma: 🤦that’s The Hobbit

Velma: Well not the worst guess I suppose

fordo baggins: @Brett Tolboi ARE YOU SAYING IM FUCKING SHORT

Brett Tolboi: was tryna say ur a brave lil fucker but go off ig

Brett Tolboi: frodo was an orphan too

Lori Roar: He wielded a cool glowing sword and inherited some amazeballs chainmail from his uncle (that was Bilbo, the hobbit)

Lori Roar: @fordo baggins you’d like him

RomeoMyRomero: He also went on a year-long quest to melt an evil ring that could talk to ppl

nowuseeme: he was also lowkey gay for his traveling companion/gardener lets not forget folks

fordo baggins: ahh so he served cunt cunt

Brett Tolboi: this was a mistake

Velma: You made your bed and now you gotta lie in it

Velma: Let’s not lose focus, people. The worst travesty in this gc right now is that Alec has apparently never read or seen lotr

RomeoMyRomero: Calling a vote rn for a compulsory viewing 

nowuseeme: v much second that

nowuseeme: @Velma wait surely if alec hasnt seen lotr then theo hasnt either?

Velma: And what do you want me to do about it

Lori Roar has added sewerboi to the chat .

Lori Roar: Cmon guys we gotta take pity on the lab rat

Lori Roar: At least he’ll make a good popcorn runner at the movie marathon

sewerboi: Do I even want to ask.

fordo baggins: @sewerboi save me dude theyre tryna make us sit thru a mandatory viewing

sewerboi: Oh, is that all? I’ve done those before.

fordo baggins: of fucking  v i v i s e c t i o n s , probably

sewerboi: Yes. And?

RomeoMyRomero has added Little Eldritch Tantrum to the chat .

RomeoMyRomero: Liam control your feral hamster he’s making inappropriate jokes again

Little Eldritch Tantrum: babe u know i said not to do those without me

fordo baggins: laim could you literally put an end to this nonsense. they’re making me n theo watch lotr or whatever

Little Eldritch Tantrum: …

Little Eldritch Tantrum: do you

Little Eldritch Tantrum: mean to say

Little Eldritch Tantrum: you have never

Little Eldritch Tantrum: ever ever

Little Eldritch Tantrum: fucking seen lotr in your LIFE

fordo baggins: well exfuckingSCUSE me if i was too busy getting chained up n tortured in my tender formative years

RomeoMyRomero: You were 15 when Scott rescued you. Lotr is rated pg13. You have no excuse

Lori Roar: Look at it this way Alec. That’s 10+ hours of darkness and silence during which you will not be subjected to thiam’s bullshit

sewerboi: Thiam?

nowuseeme: no god EWW pls dont give them a ship name youre enabling them

Little Eldritch Tantrum: thats actually SO cute wtf

Little Eldritch Tantrum: @sewerboi im making mom order us custom embroidered tshirts with that on it :) 

fordo baggins: @Lori Roar light of my life i am impressed by your optimism but i think u severely underestimate thiam’s ability to infuse bullshit into any situation

Little Eldritch Tantrum: 😠

Private chat between Lori Rohr and Alec Gonzalez

Lori: Orrrr

Lori: We could just sneak off in the middle of Denethor throwing himself off a cliff while everyone else is engrossed and I could save you from Thiam’s bullshit that way

Alec: youre saying words i dont comprehend but i love this train of thought

Alec: we need portable snacks

Lori: Blankets

Alec: a valid drivers license??

Lori: Since when has that ever concerned you? 😏

Alec: UM ever since sheriff caught me joyriding in theo’s truck ive been quaking in my boots

Lori: Sheriff ain’t that scary

Alec: yeah but he has a v scary speed dial to theo

Alec: which is. kinda fucking weird but beside the point

Lori: I gotchu my brave hobbit. I have a driver’s license

Alec: omg since WHEN?? and youve been having your brother drive us around like goddamn plebs ?

Lori: Shh relax it’s good to make him our uber and take his ego down a notch every once in a while

Lori: So. It’s a date?

Alec: alskfjdlfjkd YEAH send me all your fave candy n everything i will personally ensure our stash is complete

The Prevengers group chat

Brett Tolboi: @nowuseeme you see wtf you’ve done? Now thiam will be eating each others faces off in the middle of gandalf fighting the balrog or wtv and you have no one to blame but yourself

Brett Tolboi: next time see if you don’t think twice about taking them ANYWHERE

nowuseeme:

Velma: Accurate

Little Eldritch Tantrum: yall are just jealous our love transcends boundaries

Velma: Oh it transcends shit all right. It transcends all clothing and decency when I’m just tryna watch my queen Galadriel in peace

Velma has changed Little Eldritch Tantrum’s name to Thing #1 .

Velma has changed sewerboi’s name to Thing #2 .

Thing #1: exsQuEeZe me??

Velma: Be grateful I didn’t make you Exhibitionist #1 and Exhibitionist #2.

RomeoMyRomero: this is all fine and dandy but. We still haven’t got answers about why tf Alec is crawling thru Theo’s window

nowuseeme: unlived criminal fantasies

Velma: Separation anxiety

fordo baggins: ummm trauma ?

fordo baggins: guys you dont understand

fordo baggins: last thursday i woke up from my power nap to this place and i didnt know where tf i was

fordo baggins:

Thing #2: They’re called werewolves.

fordo baggins: oh hardy har har

RomeoMyRomero: We need to start a support group

nowuseeme: isnt that what this gc already is?

RomeoMyRomero: Yeah but like we oculd take serious stock of wtf our trauma is doing to us

RomeoMyRomero: Case in point. It makes Brett an egotistical asshole. Mason became an insomniac walking encyclopedia. Lori has to change her hair color every week (i support women but bestie your roots will be FRIED)

Lori: Bestie I hear what you’re saying but I’m making the executive decision to ignore it

RomeoMyRomero: fair and valid. Carry on

Velma: Ah so like. The trauma kids club.

nowuseeme: well dont make it sound all doom and gloom babe

nowuseeme: what about the spicy brains society

fordo baggins: cunty coping mechanisms

Thing #2: What is it with you and your obsession with that word.

fordo baggins: i was born to be an australian but alas. I am but a wee suffering lad amidst the perils of califronian suburbia

fordo baggins: sometimes i’m hairy and fast while i’m at it

Thing #1: @Thing #2 Baby it’s you and your dark humor but different font

Thing #2: All these things coming out of your mouth Liam and I have no idea what they mean.

Thing #1: well thats bc ur always so much more concerned with what comes into my mouth

Velma: LIAM EUGENE DUNBAR YOU ARE ON THIN FUCKING ICE

Lori Roar: Can we take a hard left

Lori Roar: Can we pls take this convo on a hard left right fucking now

Velma: My pleasure m’lady

Velma: In honor of the newly dubbed Spicy Brains Society, may I present to you the perfect initiation bracelets that I found while shopping at Claire’s the other day:

Velma:

Velma: @Thing #1 @Thing #2 you’re not invited. Pay for your own fucking therapy

Brett Tolboi: but why were you at claires

Velma: I was experiencing childlike wonder amongst the puffy cloud headbands

nowuseeme: he was getting another ill advised highly infectable ear piercing

Velma: Shh they may be hard on my immune system but they be light on my wallet

Brett Tolboi: I literally could have taken you to my guy who does piercings

Velma: Ah but you see. Therein lies the problem. I was trying not to go with you anywhere

Brett Tolboi: dw guys it’s just the blinding effect of my devastating good looks

Thing #1: first off @Brett Tolboi shut up

Thing #1: secondly. mason. we dont need ur lame ass therapy group

Thing #1: all we need to do is go outside and touch grass

RomeoMyRomero: guys guys guys this is Liam’s version of going outside and touching grass

RomeoMyRomero:

Lori Roar: Theo’s the one taking the candid

nowuseeme: mission: naked dog boys frolicking accomplished

Thing #2: How dare you. Liam is a golden retriever.

[Thing #1 is typing…]

Velma:

[Several people are typing…]

Chapter Text

The Prevengers group chat

nowuseeme: guten morgen spicy brains society it is a guten morgen to have a guten morgen

RomeoMyRomero: clearly either you just got laid or you’re high

Brett Tolboi: corey? Shy kid turns out to be a sex addict and a stoner? Shocking lore

Velma: He’s not a sex addict! He has the perfect amount of affinity for sex 😊

nowuseeme: was just tryna be a ray of sunshine for once in this chat but go off ig

Velma: Darling when are you not a ray of sunshine

Thing #1: probs the time that he dampened the whole mood bc of his parents being dicks that abandoned him on christmas week :/

fordo baggins: oh yeah that sure was a big downer

fordo baggins: we were all forced to pile into his mansion and finish all the trader joe’s snacks in his filthy rich parents’ pantry so he wouldn’t feel lonely

fordo baggins: and play twister and end up destroying one of the macy’s christmas trees and drink a shit ton of apple cider

fordo baggins: also witness liam climbing into theo’s fucking lap and stick his tongue down his throat in PUBLIC

fordo baggins: but aside from that sure. it was a real hardship to be there for ya corey

Thing #1: ur a mean one mr grinch

fordo baggins: said the substitute alpha with all the substitute alpha authority in his voice. ohhh im shaking in my fuzzy slippers

nowuseeme: 😂it’s all good folks ik y’all meant well

nowuseeme: while we’re on this slightly sappy subject it should be known that was possibly my best christmas ever :) 

Thing #2: What about the Christmas before then? I was there with you.

nowuseeme: you took me to a dispensary, shoved a bong in my face and said ‘now go smoke and be happy.’

Thing #2: As I said. I was there for you.

RomeoMyRomero: I remember that Christmas. I think he gave me a bag of frozen chicken tenders

Thing #2: Corey said he wanted to stop feeling empty and you told me you guys were experiencing food insecurity at home. Excuse me for trying to listen to your needs.

Thing #1: guys dw it’s not personal this past christmas he gave me nothing

Thing #2: I gave you my ass.

Thing #1: and it’s a beautiful ass crafted by the gods but still. NOTHING

Thing #2: Thought you said being me would be enough?

Velma: Theo Theo Theo Theo. Sweet summer child. You have to know that when someone says that to you around Christmas time they’re clearly lying

[Thing #2 is typing…]

Thing #1: shhh guys nvm it’s a joke theo clearly did give me something i very much treasure

Thing #1: gifts don’t have to be tangible or bought with money, babe

[Thing #2 is typing…]

fordo baggins: yeah theo clearly you gave liam your lil reptilian heart and all the love it could contain inside. I’d say that’s more than enough

Velma: Also it’s becoming more and more of a movement these days to celebrate the holidays without doing physical gift-giving. It’s like not just a conscious effort against waste and overconsumption, it’s also a movement to get people genuinely connected with each other again

Velma: Like. If you can’t just spend an evening together enjoying each other’s company and *not* thinking about what gift you’ll give or receive, then are you really true friends?

[Thing #2 is typing…]

Velma: Anyway. I just kind of have strong burgeoning feelings about this topic

nowuseeme: im right with you there babe 😊

Brett Tolboi: a little cologne sample in my stocking wouldn’t hurt tho

Lori Roar: Cannot believe I’m about to agree with you doofus

RomeoMyRomero: you’re not agreeing with him Lori. You’re just two ships passing by who happen to float in the same direction for a spell

Thing #2: Liam, I didn’t give you a Christmas present because you don’t need anything in my eyes. You are complete the way you are.

fordo baggins: shit it took loverboy THAT long to type out 2 snetences?

Velma: Hush child he had to work through his preteen trauma and emotional constipation. Those are insurmountable communication barriers beyond our comprehension

Lori Roar: Well our chat today is starting to make Theo make a lot more sense to me now

Private chat between Liam Dunbar and Theo Raeken

Liam: honey u do know i didn’t mean anything by it right?

Theo: Yeah I know

Liam: you didn’t use punctuation. i dont think you really know

[ Liam is requesting a video call.]

[Video call lasted 12:09 min.]

The Prevengers group chat

Brett Tolboi: so there I was, barbecue sauce on my titties, making eyes at this server and all they have the nerve to ask me is DO YOU GO TO COLLEGE

Brett Tolboi: bc apparently they only daTE COLLEGE BOYS

Lori Roar: I saw this dashing young server. V sophisticated, v well spoken. So. Fair and valid

Brett Tolboi: traitor

Lori Roar: What’s? Literally the problem?? Little sisters are born to cockblock and make fun of your romantic pursuits. NOT bc they’re funny but bc you’re so ill suited to them

RomeoMyRomero: Lori pls tell me your brother didn’t actually lie and say he was going to BHSC just to get into this kid’s pants

Lori Roar: Worse

Velma: W o r s e ?

nowuseeme: how

Lori Roar: He said he goes to UCLA

RomeoMyRomero: w h e e z i n g

Lori Roar: Then the server said omg I do too. What dorm do you live in?

Lori Roar: And like an idiot. Bc he’s an idiot. Instead of fessing up he dug himself even further into the hole

Lori Roar: And he said “Griffin” all puffed up and confident. Like an idiot

RomeoMyRomero: I mean tbf he could’ve sustained the lie a little bit and just said he lives off-campus for crying out loud

Lori Roar: It’s Brett. He sees shaggy hair and hot veiny hands and the half of his brain cell that jiggles between his ears goes poof

Thing #2: It sounds like you need a crash course in all things subterfuge, Talbot.

Brett Tolboi: if you’re still trying to get into my pack. Not happening.

fordo baggins: aww cmon can’t he just be guiding u out of the kindness of his evil lil heart?

Thing #2: I’m serious. It’s painful watching you flirt and then flounder every time we’re out.

fordo baggins: you go out with brett??

fordo baggins: i thought i was the only woebegone orphan in your life :( 

Thing #2: You’re the woebegone orphan. Brett is the pathetic orphan. There’s a difference.

Brett Tolboi: I’m?? Literally an alpha?

Thing #1: fuck wait really

Thing #1: couldve fooled me with ur whining and ur piss poor interpersonal communication skills

Brett Tolboi: huge words for a little guy. Did you have to use autocorrect Dunbar?

Thing #1: u know what needs autocorrecting?

Thing #1: ur face

Private chat between Liam Dunbar and Theo Raeken

Theo: That was savage, even for you. Baby wolf.

Liam: first off—not a baby wolf

Liam: second—why do u care

Theo: I don’t.

Liam: uh huh

Theo: Brett can go flirt his way into celibacy for all I care.

Liam: right

Liam: and yet u think i was savage

[Theo is typing…]

Liam: did u think that was hot 😏

[Theo is typing…]

Theo: No.

Liam: liar 😇

Theo: So maybe it was a little hot.

Theo: Maybe sometimes I miss it when you used to threaten me with physical violence.

Liam: but baby there’s nothing wrong with ur face its literally perf

Theo: That’s not what you said a year ago.

Liam: yeah well a year ago u were so fuckin smug i wanted to rearrange the bones in your skull

Theo: But now?

Liam: o b j e c t i v e l y

Liam: ur face is so pretty and perf i wanna cry

Liam: sometimes so perf i wanna also like. throttle u with two hands and my thumbs pressing against ur jugular

Liam: …

[Liam is typing…]

Liam: UGH i just played right into your hand didnt i

Liam: u happy now?

Theo: Extremely. :) 

Theo: I may or may not be having a hot minute to myself in the bathroom at work right now.

Liam: that should objectively be disgusting

Theo: Well, when has that ever stopped you

Liam: true true true true 

Liam: tell me what else can i do to make it hotter for you 😈

Theo: Why don’t you tell me what else you’d like to rearrange inside my body

[Liam is typing…]

The Prevengers group chat

nowuseeme: Thing #1 and Thing #2 have gone strangely silent again

fordo baggins: dont fucking say it i fucking DARE you

nowuseeme: so clearly they gotta be sexting or boning rn

Velma: Or lost/dead in a ditch somewhere bc one of them forgot to bring the phone chargers again while on patrol

RomeoMyRomero: DON’T jinx it

RomeoMyRomero: as much as it makes me gag I would much rather think they’re up to hanky panky than getting actually tortured in like. A beach house lair

Lori Roar: Come to think of it there’s never been a beach house lair

fordo baggins: wouldn’t that be so freaking cool

Lori Roar: The roar of the ocean would def cover up the screams 🤔

fordo baggins: or the screams of delight from the beachgoers would totally blend in with the cries of torture 🤔

Lori Roar: So much water at a villain’s disposal to wash away evidence 🤔

fordo baggins: not to mention marine predators who could just gobble up the carcasses 🤔

Velma: @Thing #2 Theodore Raeken pls pick up your goddamn child he’s giving us all the heebie jeebies again

Thing #2: First off, you all don’t know shit about salt water and how it actually solidifies blood stains instead of breaking down the essential proteins in them.

nowuseeme: here we go again

RomeoMyRomero: you WOULD know wouldn’t you

Thing #2: Remember when Tracy literally tried to wash the blood off her linen shirt at the beach after getting her arm almost chopped off?

nowuseeme: gay fashion tips from the wannabe teenage mafia godfather, everyone. more tonight at 9/7 central

Thing #2: Maybe if you all listened to me once in a while instead of making jokes about my unconventional childhood, you would learn a thing or two about first fucking aid or covering up evidence of a battle.

Thing #1: u n c o n v e n t i o n a l   c h i l d h o o d , he says

Thing #1: u n r e s o l v e d   p r e p u b e s c e n t   t r a u m a , he actually means

Thing #2 has removed Thing #1 from the chat.

fordo baggins: GASP

Lori Roar: Did he just

Brett Tolboi: raeken did you really

RomeoMyRomero: oh my god

Velma: He really

nowuseeme: he really, truly, sincerely

Thing #2: Everyone shut up and don’t make a big deal out of this.

Thing #2: I only removed him because I have an important question for you all and he can’t know. That situation was the perfect excuse.

Velma: You know there’s such a thing as creating another group chat right?

Thing #2: Keep yapping and I am this close to recidivism, Hewitt.

Velma: 👀

Velma: Noted

RomeoMyRomero: pls don’t tell me you’re asking us for his hand in marriage or whatever the fuck weird wolfy tradition it is that we don’t know about

Thing #2: Ew. Disgusting.

fordo baggins: shhh hayden dont u know hes deathly allergic to emotional commitment

Thing #2 has removed fordo baggins from the chat.

Thing #2: Now. Is Liam naturally blond or is he not naturally blond?

RomeoMyRomero: excuse me w H a T

Brett Tolboi: it’s a valid question

Brett Tolboi: one I have no intention of helping you out with

nowuseeme: why the fuck

nowuseeme: would you physically remove liam from the chat

nowuseeme: just to ask us that

nowuseeme: instead of idk ASKING HIM YOUR GODDAMN SELF

Lori Roar: His? Eyebrows? Are literally brown? Why are you asking this?

Lori Roar has added fordo baggins to the chat.

RomeoMyRomero: tbf he does get easily bleached when exposed to enough sun

RomeoMyRomero: Like a wet latex glove left out on the porch in the dead of August

Velma: 😂

Thing #2: Hewitt you were best friends with Liam. Help me out here.

Velma: Loooove the implication of the past tense there buddy

Velma: And why would I do that?

fordo baggins: ive never once seen theo this invested in a situation that has nothing to do with sex, poison or evisceration

fordo baggins: methinks mesmells some desperate bullshittery

nowuseeme: cant believe i’m agreeing with the munchkin of this bunch but i second that ^^

Thing #2: Fine. Liam offered to dye my hair and I needed an unbiased method by which to judge his qualifications for the job.

Velma: 😂😂

Thing #2: He’s sweet but not sweet enough to sacrifice my devastatingly good looks.

Velma: 😂😂😂

Thing #2: You’re being incredibly unhelpful, Hewitt. Remember what I said about recidivism?

RomeoMyRomero: He’s pissing himself laughing bc of the bet Liam lost that started the whole blonde thing

fordo baggins: …

fordo baggins: excUSE ME

fordo baggins: do i smell an imminent dropping of LORE

Lori Roar: L O R E 

fordo baggins: L O H R

Lori Roar: L O A R

fordo baggins: [ img ]

Brett Tolboi: I actually want to kms

nowuseeme: wait wait im new to the liam lore actually WHAT bet are we talking about

Velma: Ok so buckle your beautiful behinds in

Velma: This started when we were in seventh grade

Private chat between Liam Dunbar and Theo Raeken

Liam: theo

Liam: theooo

Liam: wtf why the hell did u boot me out of the chat

Liam: what are you sayingggg

Liam: i stg if this is about your nefarious plan to quit therapy im gonna have to take drastic measures

Liam: imma have to show up at ur apt in the middle of the night and HUG the goddamn insecurity out of you

Liam: i mean it

Liam: im getting the keys and the infamous cuddle blankets

Theo: Oh, no. Not the cuddle blankets.

Liam: THERE U ARE NOW WHY WONT U PICK UP MY CALLS YOU SORRY EXCUSE OF A BROKEN OFF PIECE OF NOSE HAIR

[ Liam is requesting a video call.]

[ Theo declined video call.]

[ Liam is requesting a voice call.]

[3 missed calls.]

[ Liam is requesting a voice call.]

[4 missed calls.]

Theo: Pipe down and give me three more minutes. Then you can frolick all you want in the group chat.

Liam: i do not frolick

Liam: i am an apex predator

Liam: i POUNCE

The Prevengers group chat

Velma: So naturally instead of admitting to any details about *anything* that happened that night, he preferred to go with the forfeit and get the frosted tips

Velma: Which he then proceeded to pretend to love for the rest of seventh grade

RomeoMyRomero: And the rest of eighth grade as well

Thing #2: And the rest of ninth grade, I’m assuming?

Velma: His sense of pride runs deep as the Mines of Moria, I’m afraid

Lori Roar: Hold up hold up. Why is Liam’s checkered past with the concept of hair dye even an issue? I thought you know how to dye your hair very well already Theo??

Thing #2: My prowess or lack thereof in dyeing hair clearly had no bearing in my agreement to the arrangement.

fordo baggins: nah it was the prospect of his fingers in your hairrr

Lori Roar: We’ve ferreted you and your touch starved ass out, Raeken

Thing #2: I fucking hate orphans.

Brett Tolboi: hate to break it to ya but you’re an orphan too

Thing #2: Well I never exempted myself from that statement, did I?

RomeoMyRomero has added Thing #1 to the group chat.

RomeoMyRomero: Liaaaaammm your self-loathing boyf is back at it again

Thing #1: bad chimera !! let us lvoe you

Thing #2: Not until you fess up, Dunbar.

Thing #1: to what?? i literally owned up to the toaster thing already

Thing #2: The toaster thing—

Thing #2: You know what? Never mind.

Thing #2: You’ll pay me back for that later.

Thing #1: but i already did this morning :/ 

Thing #2: I didn’t know what you were paying me back for or that you even needed to pay me back, so no, that doesn’t count.

Thing #1: can i pull out my I Pulled You Out of Hell for Free card? 😀

RomeoMyRomero: I mean. You def didn’t do it for free

RomeoMyRomero: we literally tried to electrocute his ass

Thing #1: what can i say. i love it when sparks fly

fordo baggins: pls know that Lori n me are physically gagging

Thing #2: That’s not what you needed to fess up to, Liam.

Thing #2: Why did you dye your hair blond for three years?

Thing #1: oh ! u shouldve said that from the beginning

Brett Tolboi: jfc this is going in circles

Brett Tolboi: he and I kissed and he didn’t want to admit it back in 7th grade

Lori Roar: Gasp

Lori Roar: [ img ]

[Several people are typing…]

Chapter Text

The Prevengers group chat

fordo baggins: may or may not be having a breakdown @ the preserve

fordo baggins: this could be my last night on earth but even hunters couldnt take this beauty away from me

fordo baggins:

fordo baggins: my eyes r swollen from crying

Thing #2: What’s going on? Where are you?

Thing #1: wtf u ok

RomeoMyRomero: @fordo baggins send location now

Velma: Omfg Alec wth is going on

Velma: Where r you

nowuseeme: don’t tell us u turned off ur location again

RomeoMyRomero: @fordo baggins ANSWER ME U CHEWED UP PIECE OF GUM

RomeoMyRomero has changed fordo baggins’s name to tinfoil child.

Private chat between Alec Gonzalez and Theo Raeken

Theo: Pull a stunt like that again and you’ll be searching for your wisdom teeth in the hills of Montana.

Alec: ok but that begs the question DO we actually need our wisdom teeth 🤔

Theo: I swear to god, Gonzalez. You are on my last fucking nerve.

Alec: will i have to look for your other nerves in montana too 😁

Theo: In hell is where you’ll find them.

Alec: aww i always knew u would go ahead and reserve a place for me

The Prevengers group chat

Thing #1: since i feel like clearly no one ever appreciates my informative geography talks u all will have to sit and listen this time as i explain easter island all over again

Brett Tolboi: and why are we gonna do that

Thing #1: bc you were not listening to me

Thing #1: you were too busy thinking about ALEIN SEX

Thing #1: which is not a thing btw

Lori Roar: Wait

Lori Roar: So

Lori Roar: Are we just categorically declaring all aliens asexual

RomeoMyRomero: bitch wtf that’s not what asexual even means

Thing #1: what i meannnn is that we dont know if they have sex or when

Velma: On Tues, Thurs and Sat, obvs

tinfoil child: why does everyone insist on traumatizing my poor eyes and ears w talks of sex

RomeoMyRomero: not just sex. Specif alien sex

RomeoMyRomero: get with the program Gonzalez

tinfoil child: r u still mad at me abt the gas thing

Lori Roar: No she’s not

tinfoil child: oh ok phew bc i was abt to say idk if melissa will still pay me for mowing the lawn this week im kinda maybe lightly grounded

Lori Roar: *she’s incandescent with rage

Lori Roar: Sorry Alec 😬

RomeoMyRomero: maybe hearing that you got grounded is making me slightly less incandescent with rage

RomeoMyRomero: perhaps it is healing my inner child

Velma: Girl I don’t think healing your inner child means what you think it means

nowuseeme: sure it does babe ! for some ppl healing ur inner child means hearing someone say it’s ok when u spill paint on the floor and stain the rug permanently. and they’ll just buy a new one

Thing #1: that sounds like an uber specific example but go off ig

nowuseeme: for others healing their inner child means seeing other ppl get the retribution they never got before

tinfoil child: oh u mean like when theo got pulled underground? and the whole pack saw it ?

tinfoil child: that kind of retribution ??

Thing #1: DONT U FUCKING DARE BRING THE SKINWAKLRES INTO THIS

Thing #2: Put a lid on it, Liam.

Thing #2: No need to get worked up. We’re all chill.

nowuseeme: for the record, im like. never ever chill

nowuseeme: not that anyone cares

Velma: I love you and your un-chill self very much, Cor

nowuseeme: aww babe

RomeoMyRomero: yeah that doesn’t count, Mason is like contractually obligated to like Corey. He’s got a whole echolocation thing n shit going on with him

Thing #1: OK BUT HAS ANYONE CONSIDRED THAT MY INNER CHILD IS NOT HEALING TALKING ABOUT THEO BEING UNDERGORUND

Thing #2: But I bet it healed your inner child when I came back out of the ground and pinned you against the wall, didn’t it.

[Thing #1 is typing…]

tinfoil child: Y IS IT ALWAYS WITH THE SEX TALKS W YOU TWO OMFGGGG

Brett Tolboi: I wonder how much damages you could sue for

Lori Roar: Get in line buddy I’m signing my name first as plaintiff

Brett Tolboi: elts make our own pack

Lori Roar: Eww no go rot in an overpriced Denny’s

Lori Roar: You’re just as bad as Horny #1 and Horny #2 over there

tinfoil child: can i come b in ur pack lor

Lori Roar: Ofc

Lori Roar: Get me my endless supply of swedish first first tho

tinfoil child: ever at ur service my liege

Thing #1: are we all just gonna pretend that whatever lori and alec have got going on there isn’t worse than me n theo

Velma: Buddy, and I say this from the bottom of my heart, nothing is worse than you and Theo.

RomeoMyRomero: ok tbf Mason, you and Cor are desecrating literally every hard surface we find when we hang out together

Velma: Ok but I raise you this

Velma: Am I as insufferable as Liam that I would send *this* pic at 2 in the morning

Thing #1: no

Thing #1: noo

tinfoil child: what what 👀

Brett Tolboi: is it noods

Thing #1: MASON ISAIAH HEWITT

Thing #2: DONT DO IT

Velma:

RomeoMyRomero: wtaf

Lori Roar: Guys! !! Not in front of my salad!

Brett Tolboi: aint no way taht’s not photoshopped

nowuseeme: jealousy drivin talbot to typographical extremes

Lori Roar: I never even knew they could…like…grow to that size,

tinfoil child: im w you on this brett they gotta be photoshopped

Lori Roar: Ok this is a very sincere question but like. Did the DD’s ever. Ya know.

Lori Roar: Do plastic surgery on your uh. Thorax area? @Thing #2 

tinfoil child: u think the dd’s gAvE HIM A BOOB JOB

Brett Tolboi: hey hey its a valid question

Thing #1: can we pls stop speculating about my boyfriend’s pecs for a sec??

Thing #2: They’re all natural, by the way.

Thing #1: THEO!!!! ! ! not helping

nowuseeme: that seat belt sure look like its holding on for dear life

Velma: Captain America shirtless transformation whomst

nowuseeme: breaking news: TGIF’s restaurants around the country no longer worried about their shortage of racks, they found one right here in beacon hills

RomeoMyRomero: you know how they make those squishy rubber torsos for you to practice on when you take a red cross certif class? And they’re always abnormally bouncy like lil groundhog hills under your hands?

RomeoMyRomero: that’s his fault. He’s the model they dipped in latex for that shit

Lori Roar: His tits are like that plaster thing I made for geography class to show what plateaus look like but I didn’t have time to shave off the tops so I got hills instead

Velma: Ohhh like the trois tetons

tinfoil child: the trois what now

Velma: When the french dudes came across the three big mountains in Wyoming in 17-whatever the fuck they decided to call em. The Three Boobs

Thing #1: AKSJFLKLKDJSALDJ

tinfoil child: sdksjdsk MASON U ARE MY BEST FRIEND NOW

Thing #1: @Velma i regret telling you ANYTH I NG

Brett Tolboi has changed Thing #2’s name to theo racken.

Thing #1: guysssss

Thing #1: pleaseeeee

Thing #1: stop bullying Theo

Thing #1: hes literally died for each of u ungrateful fucks like. at least 2.5 times each

Velma: Oh don’t worry buddy, our prime target ain’t Theo. It’s you we get to humiliate right now 😊

tinfoil child has changed Thing #1’s name to Horndog.

Horndog: I WILL BE SEEING EACH AND EVERY OEN OF YOU IN COURT..

theo racken: That won’t be necessary, Li.

Horndog: theyre making fun of ur super fine physique!!!

Horndog: at this point EVERYTHIGN is necessary !

theo racken: Maybe you shouldn’t have sent Mason the pic if you didn’t want karma to fall on you, Li.

Horndog: fine be that way

Horndog: find someone else to go w you to the rock collectors convention

Horndog see if i care 😠🔪

theo racken: On second thought, maybe a little escalation can be entertaining.

tinfoil child: holy shit that’s a 180 if ever I saw one

Lori Roar: Liam, tell Theo to sit and he’ll be sat

tinfoil child: big lapdog vibes

nowuseeme: oh for sure like was that ever in question

tinfoil child: guys ive been holding on to this as a surprise for the enxt Make Fun of the Big Bad Chimera event but i cant help it anymore

tinfoil child: found this shirt at teh thrift store and imma gift it to @theo racken next time we go for ice cream

tinfoil child:

Brett Tolboi: hell yeah orphan boy I’m making a pack and youre my first honorary member

tinfoil child: awww

tinfoil child: admit it u just need a social media graphics manager

Lori Roar: Don’t do it Alec

Lori Roar: He eats boiled chicken breast without sauce for dinner

RomeoMyRomero: wait what

RomeoMyRomero: not even pepper?

Lori Roar: Nope

RomeoMyRomero: salt??

Lori Roar: When he’s feeling adventurous

RomeoMyRomero: TF???

nowuseeme: yeah guys have you seen bretts insta feed

nowuseeme: its like 80% gym selfies and 20% inspo quotes in arial font overlaid over shots of unseasoned quinoa bowls

RomeoMyRomero: S c r e a m I n g

nowuseeme: like genuinely

nowuseeme: his feed will go from this

nowuseeme:

nowuseeme: to this

nowuseeme:

Velma: Oh yeah Haydie you weren’t there but this one time we went for tacos after a BH-Devenford scrimmage and Brett asked for the mildest sauce possible but he was still in the bathroom afterwards fighting the devil for an hour

Lori Roar: OH MY GOD

Lori Roar: Guys guys I never told you but he went on one fo those shitty “health purges” the morning after like I kid you not I woke up and he was on curled up on the floor of the kitchen guzzling canola oil

RomeoMyRomero: SCREAMING x2

Horndog: was this ever on ur insta story lori?? i don’t remember it

Lori Roar: Sadly no I was too busy busting a gut and my phone was dead

Velma: @Horndog I think you swore you unfollowed Brett 🤨

Horndog: well so waht if sometimes i check out his page !!

Horndog: for puppy pack alpha reasons

nowuseeme: i can’t believe you and brett ever even kissed

theo racken: I can’t believe I ever felt threatened by him.

Horndog: @theo racken wait baby you did ??

RomeoMyRomero: Liam may have done many things including kickstart my lesbian epiphany but one thing he did not do was ever disappoint in the restaurant picking category

RomeoMyRomero: Spice levels def on fire

Velma: Well that’s a backhanded compliment if ever I saw one

Horndog: wait hayden the best part of this tacos story is we went over to rico’s

RomeoMyRomero: Wait

RomeoMyRomero: Bull st rico’s???

Horndog: yup

RomeoMyRomero: That man is a fake and hasn’t seen a chile seco in his LIFE

Horndog: I KNOWW

tinfoil child: ok so like i wasnt there either for the tacos incident but omfg this keeps getting better and better

tinfoil child: @Lori Roar

Lori Roar: L O R E

Velma: LORE

Brett Tolboi: you all jealous you just don’t have such pure internal organs like I do?

RomeoMyRomero: SCREAMING x3

nowuseeme: what

nowuseeme: what is this word salad

Velma: 🤣

Lori Roar: He won’t admit it but his feelings are just so tender 🥹

RomeoMyRomero: omg

RomeoMyRomero has changed Brett Tolboi’s name to Unseasoned Chicken Tender.

RomeoMyRomero: @Unseasoned Chicken Tender I have just one question for you.

RomeoMyRomero: you grew up. With *Satomi*. How did you never ever develop at least a mustard seed’s worth of tolerance for spice?

[Unseasoned Chicken Tender is typing…]

Lori Roar: Ok guys so have I ever told you about my longtime theory that Brett is adopted

[Several people are typing…]

Chapter Text

The Prevengers group chat

Horndog: if anyone has seen my will to live, pls contact me asap

Velma: This again

RomeoMyRomero: @theo racken here’s your will to live

RomeoMyRomero: (picture me picking him up by the scruff of his neck and dropping him into your lap) 

RomeoMyRomero: you’re welcome

nowuseeme: whats liam being dramatic about now

Velma: idk he probably forgot to scream about the ides of march first thing in the morning from his balcony and he feels an oncoming existential crisis about it

Lori Roar: You have a balcony? @Horndog

Velma: ofc he does how else would his boyf slither in and out of his room after curfew

RomeoMyRomero: ok well knowing Jenna I’m fairly certain she knows all about said slithering bf anyway

Horndog: does not!!

Horndog: i am a master of subtrefgue

Velma: Liam.

Velma: Three days ago when I was there she tossed you an extra blanket and said it’s for when Theo is over. And I quote, “it gets chilly in the wee hours of the morning”

theo racken: @Horndog Why did you lead me to believe that you picked up that blanket yourself from the linen closet.

tinfoil child: ahhh the slitherer in question! he speaks !

Horndog: i was saving u from embarrassment 🥰

Horndog: also hi

Horndog: hello

Horndog: beloved will to live

Horndog: how r u this fine morning

nowuseeme: WHY was liam screaming about his will to live at this anyway. or lack thereof??

RomeoMyRomero: rumor has it his latest alien occupation conspiracy theory was debunked on yt or smth

Lori Roar: Girl they’re not conspiracy theories if they’re the truth!!!

Lori Roar: Anyway I submit to the council that Liam lost his will to live bc he ran out of his nipple lotion for his nipple dry spells

tinfoil child: exSQUEEZE ME

nowuseeme: his what for his what now

tinfoil child: i stg if this is another sex thing—

Lori Roar: YO I gotchu

Lori Roar: Check it out

Lori Roar: [ attachment.mp4 ]

tinfoil child: WHEN WSA THIS

tinfoil child: WHAT ARE MY BLESSED INNOCENT EYES SEEING

tinfoil child: lori how did u have this on ur phone for this long

tinfoil child: how COULD YOU

Lori Roar: Twas the summer of ’13 

tinfoil child: that was aT LEAST 7 months ago wtfu is up w that

Lori Roar: We didn’t know each other then :) 

tinfoil child: well then clearly after we met each other u shouldve caught me up on this hot gossip :) posthaste :) 

Velma: @RomeoMyRomero gurl are they fighting

RomeoMyRomero: looks like it. Popcorn?

nowuseeme: gluten free 4 me !!

theo racken: @nowuseeme Freak.

nowuseeme: youre the one that injected me with unsanitary green goo in the middle of a forest and then villain walked off into the dark 2 buy us chicken nuggets but go off ig

Horndog: dw corey. theos just projecting bc he had like a bajillion and one allergies before the DDs got to him

tinfoil child: @Horndog are you changing the subject? sounds like ur changing the subject. Wtf is up with ur nipples

Lori Roar: @tinfoil child shhh wait I wanna hear about Theo’s childhood allergies

tinfoil child: but but the nipple craem ??

Lori Roar: I’ve known about the nipples for ages

tinfoil child: i hAVENT

Private chat between Lori Rohr and Alec Gonzalez

Lori: Omg ok wait I know you wanna know what happened but I don’t wanna derail the main chat from Theo’s allergies so I’ll tell you here!!

Alec: !!!!

Alec: light of my life!!!

Alec: lamp unto my feet !!!

Lori: Teehee

Lori: Ok so this was right after Liam got his learner’s permit

Alec: that passenger princess knows how to dRiVE ?! ?!

Lori: Shocking yeah ikr

Lori: His mom wouldn’t let him drive around town without an older passenger. Which makes sense

Alec: right right

Alec: bc of liam being….. liam

Lori: I was about to say bc of California driving laws but you right 🤣🤣

Alec: 😌

Lori: Well the only one who fit the bill and was like. Significantly older would have been Brett at the time

Alec: ohhh wait was this pre or post pancake

Lori: A L E X A N D E R

Alec: not my name 😊

Lori: …it was post pancake

Lori: Really love you referring to our super graphic super traumatic hit and run near murder experience as Pancake

Alec: humor is a coping mechanism

Alec: is it working?

Lori: …maybe 🙄

Alec: ok ok so this was post pancake so why didnt liam let brett ride with him

Lori: Well the pancake might have solved some things but not everything

Lori: At least Liam was only calling him heathen and degenerate around that time

Alec: as opposed to …?

Lori: Beanstalk the bully, crotchwarlock, fuckass dickfore, heighty tighties,

Alec: ok yeah i get th picture

Alec: wow who knew he had it in him

Lori: I taught him some of those :) 

Alec: my ethereal muse !

Lori: Get back to me when you have a list of creative epithets of your own :) 

Alec: aye aye capn crunch my back w ur heavenly feet

Lori: …

Alec: cmonnn that was at least a 7 out of 10

Lori: More like a 4.5 but I’ll allow it 🤭

Lori: So anyway Liam told his mom fine, he was gonna drive downtown w Brett but obvi that didn’t happen

Lori: I told him I’d disguise myself as Brett so his mom would see from the window and think Brett was riding with Liam

Lori: In exchange for Liam taking me to the record store and buying me one thing there ofc

Alec: uh huh and how does the nipple cream come into play??

Lori: We got stuck at that fuckin light at Lamson and weren’t moving for ten! Whole ass! Minutes!! And Liam starts snapping his tank top back and forth bc the a/c in his car is worth fucking asparagus trimmings!!!

Lori: Then he started explaining about how uncomfortable his ‘dry nipples’ were and I was like yeah well IM uncomfortable and he goes well I’ll stop being uncomfortable if you hand me your lotion

Lori: Stupid old me was like yeah sure whatevs, just to get him to stop almost stripping in broad daylight where everyone and your next door neighbor’s grandma can see you in the midlde of traffic

Lori: Little did I know that my multi-level trauma would be further compounded that day

Alec: hey i’ll deck him for you

Lori: Unlikely you’ll be the victor at the end of THAT fight but thanks for the thought ig

Alec: hey!! 

Lori: I’m jk :) yk that right?

Alec: methinks sometimes the lady doth savor the tease too much….

Lori: Hmm well as long as you take away all visible lotion and other emollients from his sight the next time we ride with him ig I can think of something nice to say about you 😊

Alec: emollient??? u mean u carry flammables with u????

Lori: What

Lori: Oh

Lori: I think you’re thinking of IMMOLATE

Alec: same differnece? ?

[ Lori is typing…]

The Prevengers group chat

Horndog: so anyway. thats the story of how theo woke up one day with his mouth and eyes all swollen and red and im PRETTY sure my dad thought we had been up to some,, *interesting* semisexual experiments the night before

Velma: I mean. The jury’s still out on whether you two just sucked face so hard that you gave him inflammation.

Horndog: it is not !!

Horndog: the jury is not involved!

Velma: Nah buddy the jury is very much still out

Horndog: well we don’t need the jury! fucking dismiss them !

nowuseeme: i cant believe we’ve spent all this time not realizing theo had a *mint* allergy

nowuseeme: thats such basic ingredient in like. everything

RomeoMyRomero: i mean. We’re assuming Theo ever brushed his teeth around us

theo racken: I resent the implication that my hygiene routine was ever anything less than up to par.

nowuseeme: dude i dont doubt you and your profoundly controlling personality but if youre that allergic to mint you woudve swollen right up within minutes of using like. colgate around any of us

theo racken: Toothpaste always burned my tongue and gums.

Horndog: and u didn’t think to SWTCH FLAVORS ? ?

theo racken: Oh, I’m sorry, when was I supposed to do that? Between the live kidney removal tutorials or the nutrition packet rations?

tinfoil child: i think weve found theo’s secret weakness

tinfoil child: put anything in front of him and tell him to consume it and he will

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: oh like the time on that mission to Del Rio when the waitress kept putting mint lemon iced tea refills in front of him and he kept drinking it?

Lori Roar: aLKFFDDHSLH @Unseasoned Chicken Tender EXPLAIN

Velma: Wait okay so I’m to understand that toothpaste has always been just *mildly* irritating/uncomfortable to Theo bc of his preexisting allergies but suddenly when he uses Liam’s toothpaste in the guest bathroom his face goes full-on Jabba the Hutt?

Velma: Something ain’t adding up here 👀 @Horndog 

Horndog: ok ok ok so maybe i,, might have developed a habit of melting down peppermint candies and pouring the stuff into the toothpaste tube when its halfway done

nowuseeme: U ALMOST POISONED UR BOYFRIEND BC OF UR MINT OBSESSION?

Horndog: he wasnt!! even my bf yet!

nowuseeme: oh wow yeah that makes this a thousand times better

RomeoMyRomero: this is so embarrassing

RomeoMyRomero: not for me, for you

RomeoMyRomero: I bet David would have preferred to go on thinking the puffiness was from experimental sexual deviancy and not his idiot son pouring a concentrate of basically his bf’s kryptonite into his toothpaste tube

Horndog: again! not! my! bf! at the time!

Horndog: and i didnt know about the mint allergy !

tinfoil child: guys i found an excat depiction of what theo looked like shuffling out of the bathroom to meet liam’s dad right after his bf tried to poison him

tinfoil child:

Lori Roar: Omg whaaaaat you got the actual footage?

Velma: Holy shit the resemblance is uncanny

RomeoMyRomero: Wait @tinfoil child send that to me again but not disappearing this time I need to save it

tinfoil child: yes ma’am

Private chat between Mason Hewitt and Hayden Romero

Mason: Gurl that’s that third time in a row you’ve asked to save a disappearing meme in the last two days

Hayden: so?

Hayden: we all gotta build ourselves some meme banks sometime. For the mental health

Mason: Honey I was born with a built-in bullshit detector :) 

Mason: Who are you sending these memes to 👀

Hayden: my sister??

Mason: Try that again with a little more feeling babes. And maybe less question marks

Hayden: ughhhh why do you have to have more than one braincell this isn’t fair

Hayden: You gotta promise not to spill any of this to the others

Hayden: not yet at least

Mason: Dude I never spill tea.

Hayden: p sure I could come up with eight different receipts of times when you did

Mason: *correction, I never spill the tea unintentionally

Mason: I’m very deliberate and circumspect about my tea spilling

Mason: In fact the expression ‘spill the tea’ is so inaccurate to me that they should just call it ‘pouring the tea on that specific patch of carpet like an accelerant’

Hayden: N E R D

Mason: Your point?

Hayden: YOU GOTTA KEEP THIS ON THE DL IM SRS

Mason: Cross my heart and hope to dye (my hair)

Mason: You have my word 😊

Hayden: ok all right

Hayden: So last month I was stuck at school after hours on the same day the lacrosse girls were running laps…

Mason: Okay imma stop you right there queen this is not acceptable

Mason: This is a conversation to be had with *facial expressions* and no chance of verbal filters

[ Mason is requesting a video call.]

[Video call declined.]

Mason: Gurl remember me, tea, and accelerant?

Hayden: fiiiiiine

[ Mason is requesting a video call.]

[Video call lasted: 12 mins 37 sec]

Mason: I’m serious it won’t be weird at all

Hayden: I twill

Mason: It won’t

Hayden: he was like a gigantically dickish foster brother that didn’t know what he was doing but constantly shoved happy meals in our faces and thought that fixed everything

Mason: Yeah but you admit he helped Corey figure things out. So he wasn’t half bad

Hayden: UGHHH ig you’re right but why does it have to be himmmm

Mason: Bc Corey wouldn’t know what to do with this information, Lori and Alec are literal children who do not need to hear you waxing poetic about Gwen’s boobs and perfectly clefted ass, Brett is an unseasoned Instagram addict who turns every bit of advice into a self-compliment, and Liam is a grade-A disaster

Mason: And your ex

Mason: But he and you are mostly chill I can see that

Mason: It’s mostly bc he’s a grade-A disaster

Mason: He can’t even get through a week without poisoning his actual bf, you think he’d be able to handle the nuances of your sapphic crisis??

Hayden: I am not having a sapphic crisis.

Mason: Sorry, I meant you’re having a very nORMAL internal conflict over whether and how to eaT GWEN’S PUSSY

[ Hayden is typing…]

Private chat between Hayden Romero and Theo Raeken

Hayden: Hey mint barfer, I have a question

theo racken: I’ll only accept the ones of a rhetorical variety.

Hayden: Stop being a jerkface for a second

Hayden: ik you’re capable

Hayden: Remember when you helped Corey figure out he was gay?

theo racken: Don’t give me too much credit. Fucker already knew he was gay, he just couldn’t figure out that the guy he actually liked was Mason.

Hayden: same difference

Hayden: anyway. Before we went all dragon ball z on Eichen house, I remember you helping him draft some texts to Mason that mind bogglingly helped them get together later on

theo racken: I told him that people don’t like to see the real you, and to show anyone who you are underneath is a prime example of unnecessary evolutionary weakness.

Hayden: …

Hayden: okayyyy well however you worded it, and whether Corey followed you to the letter or did the complete fucking opposite, point is. You helped him figure out exactly who he was and what to say

Hayden: and ik we said way back when that Corey was like. Annoying or whatever but he’s cool now and he and Mason have a ridiculously strong relationship so

theo racken: I’m not sure where you’re going with this.

Hayden: pfft yeah you do

theo racken: Fine, I do have an idea of where you’re going with this, and it’s making me break out in hives.

Hayden: the fact that you’re replying so quickly means you’re curious.

theo racken: I am not.

Hayden: admit it you’re invested

theo racken: I resent these allegations.

Hayden: you wanna help

Hayden: there’s a teeny tiny part of your soul deep down inside that says you should be helping me

Hayden: seeing as I was always your fave in the chimera pack and whatever

theo racken: bold of you to assume I have a soul.

Hayden: Great, you didn’t deny I was your favorite

theo racken: Just shoot your question, Romero.

Hayden: All right

Hayden: So what should a potential/hypothetical pussy eater do to ask out the sporty girl of her dreams? Asking for a friend. And obvs bc you’re dating a jock who miraculously hasn’t tired of your sour attitude yet

theo racken: Why would you, a hypothetical pussy eater, be asking me, the resident cocksucker, this.

[ Hayden is typing…]

Chapter Text

The Prevengers group chat

theo racken: Can someone please explain

RomeoMyRomero: ?

Velma: Helloooo

nowuseeme: explain whut?

nowuseeme: @theo racken 

tinfoil child: @theo racken

tinfoil child: @theo racken

tinfoil child: @theo racken

tinfoil child: @Horndog what hapepned to theo?? did he die

RomeoMyRomero: wow way to sound desperate, junior

tinfoil child: that wasnt me sounding desperate, that was me sounding hopeful

Horndog: @tinfoil child OI

theo racken: Liam stole my phone. I’m back.

Velma: Oh, ‘stole my phone.’ Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

RomeoMyRomero: yeah I’d say he was gone for a suspiciously long time

theo racken: Dogs, all of you.

Lori Roar: And yet out of everyone in this gc, you’re only one of two ppl who can shift into a literal dog

theo racken: Sounds like the ones who are jealous clamor the loudest.

theo racken: Now can someone please explain why my boyfriend finds it a necessary and “constructive” and even “edifying” activity to bounce lacrosse balls across the ceiling of my apartment when I’m sleeping.

Velma: I’d be surprised at the quotation marks implying that Liam knows any of those words, but since you said ‘lacrosse’ it makes fucking sense

Horndog: well clearly when ur snoring i can’t touch my preferred balls so a substitute will have to do !

Lori Roar: Liam Eugene Dunbar

Lori Roar: It is half past 10 in the morning

Lori Roar: I am begging you

Lori Roar: Pour some soap down your tongue or shut your mouth

theo racken: There are literal round marks of dirt on my ceiling where I stare up at night.

tinfoil child: tbf ur eyes should typically be closed and not open when u in bed at night my homie

theo racken: I am not your homie. Go beg on a street corner for some real friends.

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: well damnnnnn

Velma: Wait wait Theo so are you implying that Liam is tossing balls at the ceiling *while* he’s next to you and you’re sleeping?

theo racken: Did I stutter?

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: no you just disappeared for a suspiciously long amount of time like enough for someone to be taking care of those non substitute balls

Lori Roar: @Unseasoned Chicken Tender it’s times like this I want to flush my phone down the toilet but then I remember I can just as easily shove you into a sewage pipe and society would be all the better for it

tinfoil child: @Lori Roar 😍😍😍

Velma: @Horndog look I hate agreeing with Theo but I have to say buddy, I’m kind of with him on this one

Horndog: thats exactly like agreeing with theo

Velma: Srsly dude why tf are you tossing balls at the ceiling while he’s *sleeping*?

Horndog: gotta keep up my reps!! none of you unconditioned nErDs know the importance of discipline and routine

nowuseeme: i mean we’re literally on the same lax team but go off ig

RomeoMyRomero: soccer anyone??

Horndog: i mean a sport that require precise hand eye coordination!! and clearly if u worked on ur reps corey u wouldnt be a piss poor goalie

Velma: HEY

Velma: LIAM EUGENE DUNBAR

Velma: YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW

nowuseeme: no no babes hes right i do kinda suck im just there for the pack vibes and bein able to chill and drink gatorade while everyone else is scrimmaging

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: well I never tossed balls up at the ceiling and I always played just fine in every game

Lori Roar: False and untrue and unsubstantiated in every sense of every word you’ve ever uttered

Lori Roar: I have been kept up many a night by aforementioned ball tossing. MANY.

tinfoil child: wait isnt that kinda hilarious that a born wolf needs to keep up reps for his lax game anyway. isnt that. Idk, dare i say—LAME

Horndog: well just bc we’re shifters doesnt mean we give up the discipline !!

Velma: Shhh dude you were bitten not born just take the out that Alec is giving you

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: so it’s just Pummel on Brett Day today now is it. Huh

Horndog: i mean freshman year of highschool for me ended with Pummel Liam in a Cage Day so i’d say this is the least we could do tbf

RomeoMyRomero: wait they did WHAT

tinfoil child: who pummeled liam??? asking for,, a friend

theo racken: @Unseasoned Chicken Tender did.

Velma: The scum with washboard abs did

Velma: Wait wait wait wait @theo raeken YOU KNEW?!

theo racken: Yes?

nowuseeme: babe why is this surprising the two of them even know each other’s seasonal starbucks order and underwear sizes and like. color of their spit probably

tinfoil child: y’all are dogs. i am wheezing anyway

Velma: No I know *that*. What I meant was

Velma: I was just surprised about Theo knowing about Brett’s bullying years against Liam and choosing not to do anything about it

theo racken: Trust me, it is not by choice.

Horndog: always forgive your enemies bc nothing annoys them so much :) 

Horndog: spoken by the ever wise Oscar Wilde :) 

theo racken: I recognize that that is your moral dogma. But considering that it’s a stupid ass dogma, I’m electing to ignore it.

RomeoMyRomero: right

RomeoMyRomero: when we were all shacking it up in the sewers Theo had a lil slip of paper he carried in his wallet and sometimes he thumbtacked it to the wall behind his bed

theo racken: Romero, you are on thin ice.

RomeoMyRomero: “If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?”

Velma: Well damn the GMO coywolf reads Shakespeare???

Private chat between Hayden Romero and Theo Raeken

Theo: Careful, Romero. Push my buttons too much and I might just let it slip that you’re planning to ask a certain young lady out on a date.

Hayden: pshhh if that was a real threat you wouldn’t have warned me

Hayden: it’s kinda funny actually to see you whine and stomp and piss your pants over a Shakespeare quote

Theo: You’re humiliating me is what you’re doing.

Hayden: um no

Hayden: actually

Hayden: if anything I’m winning you spades of social brownie points so a *little* thanks would be in order k

Theo: Social brownie points?

Hayden: god you lose so much of your intimidation factor when people realize how much of an un-pop-cultured loser you are

The Prevengers group chat

Horndog: wait wait wait wait

Horndog: theo y did u never tell me u like shakespeare

theo racken: He’s a pretentious twat that thinks he’s so hilarious.

Horndog: oh

Horndog: but i did think hamlet was kinda cool

theo racken: Did I also mention he’s a genius at iambic pentameter and dramatic irony?

Horndog: :D 

tinfoil child: *cough* whippedddd

Horndog: dont think this gets u off the hook tho for tryna exact revenge on our friends @theo racken 

theo racken: *friend

theo racken: Singular.

theo racken: Only one person on here is my target.

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: bro

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: you come into my house

Lori Roar: *our rented apt

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: eat meals from my table

Lori Roar: *flavorless unseasoned meals

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: and after all that you still set your sights on me as a target?

Velma: Brett did you even apologize *once*

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: well yes!!!!

Horndog: huh

Horndog: when

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: that day a couple months ago when we found you hanging from that dangle trap in the preserve and brought you in to Deaton’s

Horndog: bro i was UNCONSCIOUS

Horndog: i didnt HEAR YOU

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: oh

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: well

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: in that case

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: nvm you never heard me say anything

Lori Roar: BRETT WILLIAM TALBOT JUNIOR

nowuseeme: w8 fr thats his name????

tinfoil child: hes a juniorrrr

tinfoil child: trust fund baby ass name

RomeoMyRomero: writes under his yearbook photo that he aspires to change ppl’s lives through financial education, type of guy

nowuseeme: parents were cosplaying as jane austen characters when they conceived him, type of guy

Lori Roar: Practices his networking speech for hedge fund internship interviews in his bathroom mirror, type of guy

Velma: Gives girls gold foil printed business cards when he asks them out on a date, kind of guy

tinfoil child: im crying

tinfoil child: wheezing

tinfoil child: gonna throw up prbly

tinfoil child: im reaching my fucking limmies bro. im at my limmies

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: @tinfoil child I don’t like you hanging around my sister too much and clearly this is why, you’re a vile influence

tinfoil child: okayyy but its technically my break from school so like what do u even want me to do

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: idk get a job or smth?

tinfoil child: im a minorrrr

tinfoil child: also guys. im clearly a terrible fit for the traditional job market

theo racken: Why, because you could never reach the top shelf for restocking?

tinfoil child: rude, coming from the guy who’s officially 2 in shorter than me

tinfoil child: but no

tinfoil child: like could u imagine me going into that interview like. what are ur best qualities. oh yeah good morning sir my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self righteous and wanting to go home

Lori Roar: 🤣🤣🤣🤣

RomeoMyRomero: not that I’m arguing any of these 100% valid points but you could still be like a greeter at Ralphs and you’d be standing right by the door the whole time ready to go home as soon as your shift is done

tinfoil child: tempting and solid advice but alas

tinfoil child: i fear a senior citizen would come thru the door and the first thing out of my mouth would be “bon the fuck jour”

Velma: Senior citizen?

Velma: Don’t you mean Theo?

tinfoil child: yeah well same difference

Horndog: omg

Horndog: i get it now

Horndog: i see why theo dads all over you

Horndog: youre him but in like. gen z font

theo racken: He is not like me.

theo racken: He will be far better than I will ever be.

Horndog: babe what did we say about the self defecation?

Lori Roar: I don’t think—

tinfoil child: yeah i sure will be better than you. at my MISTAKES

theo racken: Alec.

theo racken: You’re supposed to be working on your mistakes.

tinfoil child: and i sure am

tinfoil child: they gonna be huuuuge

nowuseeme: the plot has escaped me

Private chat between Brett Talbot and Liam Dunbar

Brett: hey so

Brett: jsyk I didn’t really mean it earlier

Liam: oh when u apparently apologized? no i got that thx

Brett: no

Brett: I meant when I was joking around earlier

Brett: I really am sorry

Brett: I mean there was a bunch of stuff going on personally but I know that’s no excuse for how I reacted to everything that night

Brett: and specif how I treated you

Liam: well it wasn’t just that night yk. im not an idiot

Brett: yeah no ik

Brett: I mean

Brett: ig I just have to confess that I always felt nervous when you were around

Liam: you? nervous ? when pluto becomes a planet again

Brett: I swear

Brett: put yourself in my shoes

Brett: there I was. A born werewolf with a height advantage and a supernatural speed and strength and agility advantage and that always made me at the top of my game.

Brett: then you come along

Brett: scrawny lil top-heavy punk who only started playing the year before

Brett: and you’re semi regularly blowing me out of the water

Brett: ofc I’m gonna get antsy and insecure

Liam: ok ok i get it

Liam: is this secretly ur roundabout way of saying lil old human me was always better and more gifted than u?

Brett: I just came on here to say I’m sorry. Officially. For the zoo

Brett: you can forget about all the other stuff

Liam: sore loser

Brett: punk

Private chat between Hayden Romero and Theo Raeken

Hayden: Theo HELP

Theo: Why would I do that?

Hayden: you already spent four hours the other day helping me plan the outfit imma wear when I see Gwen next

Hayden: you’re already in too deep

Theo: That’s called the sunk-cost fallacy and I’m not falling for that.

Hayden: well I need your help so Gwen doesn’t laugh at me

Theo: Is this going to make me laugh too?

Hayden: I mean. PROBABLY

Theo: Fine. What’s wrong?
Hayden: so I told you how Gwen’s a baking buff right

Theo: Sure.

Hayden: I spent all of yesterday baking and remaking croissants from scratch to impress her tomorrow

Theo: Let me guess. You fucked up?

Hayden: not with the croissants! No!

Hayden: second batch was all fine and dandy

Hayden: the fluffiest most golden buttery crumbly motherfucking texture you’ve ever seen from an amateur baker

Hayden: it was in the wrapping stage that I fucked up

Theo: I don’t see how you could possibly do that.

Hayden: not sure if that’s sarcasm and I’m too frazzled to decipher it

Hayden: I was trying to use my sister’s airtight sealing machine thing

Hayden: so like. They wouldn’t go hard or bad in transit

Hayden: I even hit “gentle setting”!!!!

Hayden: but that motherfucker BETRAYED ME

Hayden: look

Hayden:

[ Theo is typing…]

Chapter Text

The Prevengers group chat

tinfoil child: yo guses whos getting a job

nowuseeme: not u with that atrocious spellin and grammar

tinfoil child: pot

tinfoil child: kettle

tinfoil child: black

Lori Roar: Does anyone else get the sense that in another life Corey wasn’t a chameleon, he was just a straight-up cryptid

Lori Roar: Lurking the halls in another dimension and just materializing out of nowhere to deliver roasts so hot it put the devil’s barbecue to shame

Velma: Okay tbf that is exactly what Corey does irl too

Horndog: noo he goes invisible to make u invisible with him and then u 2 commit unspeakbale acts together !

nowuseeme: unspellable acts too it seems like

theo racken: I hardly think you are in a position to criticize, Liam.

Horndog: oh good grief what have i done NOW

theo racken: Nothing I would tattle on you about, except for the harmonica. The harmonica was taking it too far.

tinfoil child: huh

Horndog: oh i see how it is

Horndog: you encourage me to ‘make more noise in bed’

Horndog: but the second i pull out the harmonica suddenly ‘i’m not taking this srsly’

RomeoMyRomero: lowkey screaming

Lori Roar: 🤣🤣

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: as much as we harp on the daily about Liam’s sex life or lack thereof apparently

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: I specifically picked up my phone to hear about this job opportunity @tinfoil child

tinfoil child: yeah suck it u think u can bully me into getting a summer job so ill stop hanging around lori?

tinfoil child: well guess what. im getting a job AND im getting paid enough to take her to the movies n bowling n shit

Horndog: oh damn

Horndog: where???

Horndog: *asking for a friend

theo racken: Like you even need a job with daddy dearest’s credit card in your wallet.

tinfoil child: just sent my resume to a bunch of places and i expect to be hearing back from the froyo place and the movie theater p soon !

RomeoMyRomero: excuse me

RomeoMyRomero: resume?

RomeoMyRomero: you’re like 5 years old and you have a goddamn resume

tinfoil child: *15

tinfoil child: missed a number

tinfoil child: sheesh with all your brain cells coming out the salad spinner it’s a wonder any of you got jobs

Velma: I have more brain cells than all of you combined and multiplied by ten

Horndog: i mean. statistically speaking i would hope so

tinfoil child: mason u dont count ur the resident nerd so ofc u have a job at the library

Horndog: hey !! i’ll have you know i have a very stable and profitable gig going on at the local ymca

tinfoil child: u were so addicted to using their gym they figured paying u to lug weights around would be cheaper than paying u to stay away

Lori Roar: Also clearly he’s in it for the free showers

tinfoil child: is he tho

tinfoil child: you smelled him the last time we rode together. is he really

Lori Roar: 🤣

Horndog: no fucking respect in this house anymore for your alpha

Velma: Well wait, what about Corey’s job at the fairgrounds? He got that fair and square

RomeoMyRomero: urban legend has it no one has ever seen Corey actually working the fair

tinfoil child: legend has it no one has seen corey period

Velma: @nowuseeme baby don’t listen to them! I will protect you

Velma: I will always see and find you

Horndog: buddy that was sweet and endearing the first time but turned into stalker level creepy around the tenth time u said it

nowuseeme: @Velma nothing they say can hurt me 🥰

RomeoMyRomero: gagging

Horndog: ok but @tinfoil child you’re clearly forgetting theo’s job at deatons! he even did an interview n everything for that!

Velma: Are we quite sure that wasn’t a psych evaluation

tinfoil child: lemme high five u mason

Velma: You roasted my boyfriend on his very insecurity so no, I will not be high fiving traitors today

tinfoil child: apologies.. ill get abck to u in 2-3 business days

tinfoil child: @Horndog also im p sure scott ghost wrote like 3 separate rec letters to deaton just to get theo in

theo racken: Actually, he gave me the job because I was the only one who would put up with the hours.

RomeoMyRomero: what, every Tues and Thurs from brood o’clock to half past self-flagellation o’clock?

Horndog: i

Horndog: dude

Horndog: i really really shouldn’t laugh

Horndog: but—

Private chat between Theo Raeken and Liam Dunbar

Theo: Choose your next words very carefully, Dunbar.

Liam: I……love and adore how much you interacting with our friends makes me laugh and smile??

Theo: Thin ice.

Liam: does,, the ice get thicker if I promise 2 blow u later?

Theo: Am I nothing but sexual favors to you?

Liam: i mean

Liam: if anything its me doing the favor to u

Theo: Is it now really

Liam: i mean i mean

Liam: it would be an Honor to blow you!!

Liam: but maybe u forgiving me for laughing at u could be a happy side effect? :)

Theo: You’re also getting me ice cream for this

Liam: ohhhh no punctuation are u at work

Liam: are u feeling hot n bothered 😏

Theo: I’ll show you hot and bothered

[ Liam is typing…]

The Prevengers group chat

tinfoil child: @RomeoMyRomero idk if i should be offended or impressed that youre actively being funnier than me

RomeoMyRomero: I mean

RomeoMyRomero: tbf *I* don’t have a summer job

Velma: Well sure. That’s bc you’re busy being a fulltime faillesbian

nowuseeme:

RomeoMyRomero has removed nowuseeme from the chat.

Velma has changed RomeoMyRomero’s name to FailLesbian.

FailLesbian has changed their name to WorkLesbian.

Velma has changed WorkLesbian’s name to Defensive Dyke.

Defensive Dyke: ykw? I’ll take it

Defensive Dyke: when I was little the mbti test said I was the Defender type

Horndog: you punched me.

Horndog: in the face.

Defensive Dyke: and?

Horndog: twice.

Defensive Dyke: my space needed defending

Defensive Dyke: and hey you punched my first

Horndog: not on purpose !!

Horndog: clearly my *nose* needed defending!!!

tinfoil child: dont u mean ur dignity

Horndog: hey mind your own business

Horndog: go back to peddling ur 1 month of experience to Scoopville

tinfoil child: i may have little experience putting up w the Establishment but boy have i had 15 yrs of experience of never minding my own business

theo racken: That was never disputed. Clearly, that was why you ended up in an abandoned warehouse in the middle of Borrego Springs.

Velma has added nowuseeme to the chat.

Velma: wake up babe new drama just dropped

nowuseeme: o shit

tinfoil child: how dare you

tinfoil child: how VERY dare you

tinfoil child: i was trussed up and tranqed in that goddamn warehouse

theo racken: I’m aware. I was there.

Defensive Dyke: is this the second or third kidnapping incident?

theo racken: No, the first.

tinfoil child: actually tbf before i even got bitten by a werewolf and monroe snatched me in borrego springs somebody did already try to kidnap me at the local walmart so like

tinfoil child: when u guys met me that was already technically the 2nd kidnpaping attempt on my life

nowuseeme: what even were you doing in the middle of the abandoned district of Borrego springs?

tinfoil child: exploring the places! seeing the sights! smelling the smells!!

Lori Roar: Hearing the sounds?

tinfoil child: yes!!

tinfoil child: i was supposed to be sleeping but the wolfy part of me kept going awoo

tinfoil child: like internally i mean

tinfoil child: and i was basically telling myself no fucking awoo. no awoo right now. its late. its not awoo time. its sleeping time. go the fuck to bed

tinfoil child: but nooo, little mr. Awoo wanted to go OUT and EXPLORE and stick his wolfy nose in EVERYTHING including monroe’s abandoned warehouse slash evil lair thingy

Lori Roar: So essnetially you were nosing the nose and howling the howls

tinfoil child: et tu brute??

Unseasoned Chicken Tender has changed tinfoil child’s name to little mr awoo.

little mr awoo: @Unseasoned Chicken Tender im coming for your patellas on SUNDAY

Velma: He needs 3-5 business days for processing time after asking Melissa for permission to commit violence

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: sweet, I can book a place in Mexico by then

little mr awoo: no that is NOT the reason

little mr awoo: i am v capable of reaping kneecaps myself tyvm

little mr awoo: just gotta wait to hear back from Scoopsville and make sure i can afford the sledgehammer first

Lori Roar: Oh yeah inflation has been brutal esp on Home Depot products

little mr awoo: heyy if we split the cost between us i’ll get you an unlimited punch card for free sundaes at scoopsville:)

Lori Roar: Hmm

Lori Roar: Free ice cream as an excuse to choose violence against my brother?

Lori Roar: Sign me tf up any day

little mr awoo: :D 

Horndog: hey i can get in on that collaboration

Horndog: im told i am an excellent team player 😈

nowuseeme: said no one ever

Horndog: said coach too!!

nowuseeme: that was when you were still hungover on wolfsbane when you played teh quarterfinals and you started scoring for the Roadrunners! he was being *highly sarcastic* when he said that!!

Horndog: oh

Horndog: i didnt catch that

Horndog: anyway i can pitch in with the sledgehammer efforts :) @little mr awoo

little mr awoo: actually maybe u could give my cover letter a quick glance

little mr awoo: already dropped off the resume earlier this week but i was thinking a follow up letter won’t hurt

Velma: The levels of corporate ass licking for a below minimum wage job? In THIS economy? Astounding

Velma: Kudos to you young padawan

Horndog: ok ok just drop it in here champ

little mr awoo: [attachment 43.rtf]

Defensive Dyke: wait I think you attached the resume not the letter

little mr awoo: oh mb hold on

Lori Roar: Alec

Lori Roar: Oh my God

Lori Roar: Did you already send this out?

little mr awoo: yes yes why

Lori Roar: Scroll up to the skills section

Velma: Omg what lemme download this and see

Lori Roar: Under the Skills heading there’s nothing except a single bullet point and the word “please”

little mr awoo: yes well clearly i have 0 experience at scooping ice cream at a commercial level or sucking up to pissy customers so i figured honesty was the best policy

[ theo racken is typing…]

Horndog: no

Horndog: nooo

Horndog: honestly is rarely the best policy

Horndog: its usually almost always the Worst policy

Velma: @Horndog well glad to know you hold your sense of integrity and the trust in our friendship to such a sacred degree

[ Horndog is typing…]

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: well hey now we shouldn’t be crucifying lil Alec here for a small mistake

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: consider this a minor setback

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: sure you won’t be able to buy a sledgehammer right away but it’s the waiting that builds character yea

nowuseeme: you just want to keep your kneecaps another month

Unseasoned Chicken Tender: well as a matter of fact dude I do consider my flawless legs some of my best assets

Lori Roar: 🤮

Defensive Dyke: I used to date men and still I *shuddered*

Defensive Dyke: ok everyone just to piss off Brett and help Alec out post something you failed at

Defensive Dyke: I wasn’t gonna tell you this but I was wrapping homemade croissants the other day and I messed that shit up

Velma: Croissants?? Homemade?

Velma: And you didn’t bring me any to sample?! GURL

Defensive Dyke: Gurl did I not say I messed them up

theo racken: I can attest that she decimated any salvageable part of the pastry.

Velma: Pics or it didn’t happen

theo racken:

nowuseeme: o damn

nowuseeme: ok i’ll go next

nowuseeme: one time i was at the store buying pork for that one big cookout we had last summer and i told the butcher “pls give me your tenderest of loins”

nowuseeme: this dude was like 6’4” and built with a beard and he looked over at me, a pasty twink, and said “boy don’t you ever say those words in that order again”

Defensive Dyke: BAHAHAHA

Horndog: akfldjlkfj

Velma: A couple weeks after I came out to Mom and Dad it was Christmastime and I was just so relieved that they were so chill about everything

Velma: So I didn’t care when Mom gave me a new ugly Christmas sweater with this reindeer in a Santa hat and rainbow nose on the front, and I tried it on right away

Velma: My mom and dad were lowkey laughing their asses off that I was apparently so eager to try on the ugly Christmas sweater that year

Velma: And I got all defensive and tried to explain myself, I swear i *meant* to say “don ye now your gay apparel” but

Horndog: oh shit

Velma: What came out was “it’s the dawn of the gay apparel” 

Horndog: duuuuuuude i remember that day

Velma: 😒

Horndog: fucking happiest christmas of my life

Velma: 😒😒

Velma: You mock my pain

Horndog: what else are friends even for

Velma: @Horndog okay then why don't you go next

Horndog: i would, except im perfect and never make mistakes

theo racken: Oh for fuck’s sake.

theo racken: He tried to surprise me with dinner last week and this is what greeted me when I arrived.

theo racken:

nowuseeme: what the FUCK

Defensive Dyke: where’s the WATER

Horndog: it said to cook until al dante!!!

Lori Roar: Don’t you mean al *dente*?!

Velma: Al dante my ass

Velma: That's al dante’s inferno

[Several people are typing…]