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Chapter Text

The alleyway was dark and dreary, and his heart was beating erratically in his chest. He shouldn't be here. He really knew he shouldn't.

But what other choice did he have?

Going back, he supposed, was a chance. Pretending this had never happened. Pretending her words hadn't haunted his mind for the past days, pretending his heart didn't clench painfully every time he looked at Magnus, pretending they actually had a chance to make it through. Going back, forgetting about it, living life and hoping, like Magnus had said, but really knowing deep down that they wouldn't be able to grow old together, ever. Because Magnus didn't grow old. But he, Alec, did. And in the end, they wouldn't be able to be together the way they wanted to.

So no, he didn't have any other choice.

Alec took a deep breath, raised his fist and knocked on the solid wooden door in front of him.

He didn't have to wait long before it creaked open to reveal a startlingly beautiful young woman with blonde hair and bright green eyes. If she was surprised to see him she didn't show it. Instead, a dark, knowing smile tugged at the corners of her lips.

"Alexander Lightwood," she said slowly, "I wouldn't have suspected to see you again this soon, young Shadowhunter."

Alec raised his eyebrows. "You make it sound as if you were expecting to see me again, though."

Camille's smile grew wider. "I knew you would come," she said and stepped back to open the door a little wider. "Come in."

He hesitated for a second, but the unspoken promise was lingering in the air, and this was what he'd come for, wasn't it?

Camille led him through an obscure corridor into an equally dark room, only illuminated by a simple light bulb hanging from the ceiling. Not that this was necessary, given that she was a vampire and he had runes to help him see in the dark, but Alec guessed it was some kind of courtesy on her part to not take advantage of his imperfect night vision. The room she apparently now hid and lived in was not half as pompous as Alec had expected it to be. In fact, he wouldn't have suspected to find her in such a shabby area of New York in the first place. It didn't seem to fit her. Then again, he supposed this was the best camouflage: living in a place no one would ever start looking for you.

"How did you find me?" Camille interrupted his thoughts, as if she had read his mind. She looked mildly curious and somewhat appraising.

Alec shrugged, unwilling to admit to anything.

"Did Magnus help you to find me?"

He shook his head. "He doesn't know I am here," he answered truthfully. "Also, I don't think he'd be able to find you anyway. I thought vampires are impossible to track down."

"Which makes your being here even more mysterious," Camille noted. When he didn't react to her hint, she went on. "What brings you here, then, Alexander?"

"You know exactly why I am here," he said, throwing her a sharp look. He certainly didn't like being toyed with. However, he got the feeling that this was exactly what Camille intended to do. Maybe he should have listened to Magnus's warning.

But what good would that have done him?

"I don't seem to recall it quite well," she said, smiling lightly as she walked around her couch, caressing the soft velvet fabric with her long, cold fingers. It was very easy to see why Magnus had liked her. It made Alec want to shake her. "I have had a lot on my mind recently. Perhaps you could refresh my memory."

Alec clenched his teeth. "You still owe me something."

"I don't owe anyone anything, little Shadowhunter."

"Yes you do," Alec contradicted decidedly. "I cut you free. I fulfilled my side of the bargain. And now it's your turn." He inhaled deeply. "What is the other method of becoming immortal that you mentioned? The one that does not involve me being turned into a vampire?"

Camille looked at him and gave a wistful smile. "I knew you'd come for that."

"Obviously, since you've already been expecting me."

She leaned forwards. "Are you sure you want to know, Alexander?"

"It's Alec," he corrected her brusquely. "And why wouldn't I want to know? Especially since I came all the way here just to ask you this one question?"

"Well, Alec," she replied. "You should know that knowledge isn't always the best thing. It often hurts. And it always, always comes with a price."

"I think I already paid you enough," he answered, surprised by the coldness of his voice. "Freeing you and not giving you away now is already more than you can expect for what you have to offer."

"I wasn't talking about a reward for me, Alexa- Alec," Camille corrected herself. "Do you think you can become immortal just like that, without giving up anything in return? Do you really think it wouldn't cost you anything?"

Alec thoughts drifted to his family: his parents, his sister, Jace. Can you stand and watch how they grow old and die? He pushed the thought far, far away, into the darkest corner of his mind. It wasn't something he liked to think about. He wasn't here for them.

Alec met her gaze squarely. "I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be with Magnus."

Camille nodded. "You must really love him," she murmured, as if that surprised her. "Very well then," she continued, straightening up. "There are several ways of becoming immortal, most of which include selling your soul to a dark power – don't give me that look, I know you wouldn't consider that. If the thought of becoming a vampire repulses you that much, then I am sure everything else that involves becoming part-demon would as well."

Alec didn't say that becoming a half-demon didn't sound all that wrong to him. After all, he was in love with a half-demon. Being a vampire, however, was something he couldn't imagine. Always thirsting for the blood of the ones he loved, not being able to go out into the sunlight, not being able to pronounce the name of God anymore, much less enter a church, or the Institute, his home? He wondered briefly how Simon coped and felt a pang of sympathy for the young boy whose life had taken such a dramatic turn. It would have been better for him if he hadn't gotten roped into this mess in the first place, if he'd never met them at all.

But there was no point wondering about the what-ifs. The only thing that matter was the present, and the future.

And he knew how he wanted to spend his future.

"There is another way," the tall vampire continued in a low voice. "It is very dangerous, and there are few who can even weave the spells."

"So it involves warlocks?" Alec inquired. "How do these spells work?"

Camille smiled a tiny smile. "I think you'd rather ask Magnus about this – I'm sure he knows more about this than I do. In fact, he is one of the few who could actually make you immortal."

Alec froze in shock. If Magnus knew a way to make someone immortal, why didn't he-

"The only question you really need to answer for yourself before you ask him," Camille said, leaning in very close. He could feel her cool breath fanning over his cheek and neck, making him shudder. "...is this one: are you willing to give up what you love the most?"

Chapter Text

The ceiling was empty and vast and perfectly white save for the tiny cracks just above the night table which he had been studying all night while sleep was eluding him, and most of the day which he had spent lying on the bed, lost in thoughts. Alec had never noticed them before, and briefly he wondered whether he had simply not seen them or whether they had just appeared recently, a malicious reminder of the decay all around him. Of his own decay.

Alec hadn't felt that tired since he had watched the body of his little brother burn to ashes.

On his nightstand, his cell phone went off. Alec didn't need to look at the caller ID to know who was calling him. Magnus had been trying to call several times throughout the day, but he had simply turned his phone on mute, only leaving the vibration alert turned on to make sure he wouldn't miss any important calls, and ignored his boyfriend's attempts to talk to him. He needed time to think. Time to figure out what he wanted. Time to figure out how much he'd be willing to give up.

The phone stopped moving, only to start making those annoying buzzing sounds again a few seconds later.

For a moment, Alec considered throwing it at the wall and smashing it, but he knew he wouldn't be able to come up with a good excuse as to how he managed to break his phone without even being in a battle. Also, it would be irrational to blame the cell phone for his growing headache. It clearly wasn't the phone's fault.

This wasn't helping at all. Abruptly, Alec sat up, grabbed the keys to Magnus's apartment and strode out of the room. If he wanted answers, he'd have to go and see him. Camille had raised more questions than actually providing him with any useful information and he was wracking his brains over it. He needed to know the answers.

But sometimes he wasn't so sure whether he'd actually want to hear them.

An almost eerie silence filled the long corridors of the Institute, and the sound of his steps reverberated loudly from the walls. Isabelle was on a date with Simon, Jace was God-knew-where, probably getting himself into trouble again, and as far as he knew his parents had some business to attend to in Idris, leaving him alone in the huge mazes of the church.

Dully, Alec wondered when he had stopped feeling comfortable in the place he had called home for most of his life.

Before, he hadn't minded being alone here – he had liked the solitude, the quietness. But it was all different now. The silence was different: sharp and cold and painful. It left a hollowness behind that reminded him how it used to be filled by Max' laughter, the sound of soft steps scurrying across the corridors, the crumpling of paper whenever he turned one of the pages of his beloved mangas. Alec swallowed audibly. Thinking of his little brother was too painful, and so he pushed the thoughts far away.

Maybe this was one of the reasons he tried to avoid the Institute as much as possible lately. It was easier to repress his feelings and the memories when he was somewhere else, keeping himself occupied. The holiday with Magnus had been a blessing for him, taking him far away from his feelings of guilt and failure and sorrow. If he was completely honest with himself, though, Alec would have to admit that even then he hadn't quite managed to leave those feelings behind completely. They were always there, nagging at him, underpinned by the quiet voices inside his head telling him he was being egoistic, that he should be in New York supporting his family, that he shouldn't leave them to deal with the pain alone.

"Alec?"

He had just passed the kitchen when the voice sounded from somewhere behind him. Alec turned around, surprised. "Mom," he said, "I didn't think you were back already."

Maryse was seated at the kitchen table, her fingers caressing something he only recognized upon closer inspection. It was one of Max' toy soldiers, the one he'd held in his hand when he had died. His mother looked incredibly tired and pale. There were dark shadows under her eyes, which missed the spark they had once held. For the first time, Alec mused, she looked as old as she was, maybe even older, as if the weight of her youngest son's death lay heavily on her shoulders, pressing her down, crushing her.

Immediately, the cold knot of guilt in his stomach returned. He and his mother had never been particularly close – neither he nor she were especially good when it came to feelings and relationships, and while he had always know she cared for him, there had always been a distance between them that they had never managed to overcome. Still, he knew that she needed him right now. She needed his assistance, his support, his strength, to get through this hard time. And here he was, running away from her, from his family, from everything, leaving her hanging when she needed him the most.

It felt as if he was betraying her, somehow.

"Was there an emergency call?" his mother asked, ignoring his earlier statement.

When he shook his head, she visibly relaxed, as if the thought of him going off to fight demons was suddenly scary to her. It probably was, he guessed. As a Shadowhunter, you always led a risky life, but it wasn't something you constantly thought about. Losing Max, though, had been like a slap in the face, and had alerted her to the fact how fast she could lose another child.

Maryse looked at him expectantly, her eyes silently pleading him to stay with her. Alec shifted uncomfortably. "I was just on my way to Magnus's."

Her face fell, and Alec felt like an asshole.

"I see," she murmured.

Alec looked at his shoes, because he didn't think he could stand looking her in the eye. "Well...yeah. I guess, I'll be going, then." He turned around, but his mother's voice stopped him once more.

"About Magnus," she began, hesitantly, "I've been meaning to ask you...how serious is this? This relationship with him, I mean?"

"I love him," Alec replied, keeping his voice steady.

Maryse smiled weakly and nodded. "You have changed so much since you met him." There was a hint of nostalgia in her voice, but no disapproval.

Alec blinked. Had he really changed? He supposed he had. He was growing up. "...I feel better now that I am not invisible anymore," he whispered.

He hadn't meant for Maryse to hear it, but apparently, she had. "You were never invisible, Alexander."

"Yes. Yes, I was. Maybe not to you, but to the rest of the world. And it was okay. I was fine with it, with standing in Jace's shadow. I never asked for anything else. But now -" Alec took a deep breath. "Now I want more."

His mother nodded again. "Does he make you happy?"

Alec thought back to the jolty beginning of their relationship, to his own awkwardness and Magnus's frustration, to the heartbreaks and the tears and the laughter. He remembered the times when Magnus had saved his life, the secret meetings during the night, the stolen kisses in the dark. He thought back to their holiday, strolling through the cities hand in hand, lounging on big sofas without doing anything in particular except for enjoying each other's company. He thought of Magnus's hands on him, leaving trails of fire in their wake, and how the warlock looked when he smiled in his sleep.

"Yes."

Most of the time, he did. And then there were the times when being with Magnus tore him apart. But that wasn't really Magnus's fault, and Maryse didn't need to know about it.

She smiled again, broader this time, and Alec took this as a sign that their conversation was over. He walked out quickly, his feet automatically carrying him down the path he'd walked so many times in the course of the last few weeks. The air was cold, and grey clouds were darkening the sky. At least he made it to Brooklyn without getting wet. As he trudged up the steps of the narrow staircase leading to Magnus's loft he silently wished that he didn't have any customers at this moment, for he wasn't sure for how long he could hold back the questions.

The door slid open with a low creak. As soon as he was inside, the smell of freshly brewed coffee filled his nose. A second later, Magnus emerged from the kitchen, two cup of Starbuck's coffee to go in his hand and a wide grin on his face. As usual, he was barefoot, and dressed in dark blue jeans that hung low on his hips, and a pink Madonna T-shirt. "Hello beautiful," he said and swept in to give Alec a chaste kiss on the lips and hand him the hot beverage. "I thought it was you."

Alec looked at the coffee. "How did you know I was coming?"

"You weren't exactly sneaky when walking up those stairs." Magnus grinned at him, but the smile quickly vanished when he saw the expression on Alec's face. "Are you alright? You weren't hurt, were you? I was worried when you didn't answer the phone and didn't come over last night so-"

"I'm fine." Alec cut in somewhat brusquely.

Magnus frowned, clearly not buying it. "You don't look fine. You don't sound like you're fine, either."

"We need to talk," Alec said bluntly.

Magnus's eyebrows rose and disappeared under his hairline. "Oh?" He tilted his head to the side, his eyes transfixed on Alec. "Will this be the kind of talk where it would be advisable to sit down first lest I get a shock?"

"You can sit down if you want, but I think I'd rather stay standing." Alec took a deep breath and, while watching Magnus flop back onto the couch, decided it would be best to be straightforward. "What is the price for immortality?"

Magnus almost dropped his coffee. "What?"

"The price for immortality," Alec repeated stubbornly. "We talked about it a couple of days ago, remember? I asked you whether you wanted the Book of White to search for a spell to make me immortal. You said you didn't, because immortality has a price. You never told me what price."

"Indeed, I didn't," Magnus said, suddenly looking very closed off. "It is not something you want to know."

"How can you know that?" Alec challenged. "I want to know it, Magnus. I need to know. I need to know you're not just refusing to make me immortal because you don't want to spend the rest of your life with me."

"Alexander," Magnus sighed. "We've had this conversation."

"Perhaps we haven't discussed it fully enough."

The warlock buried his face in his hands, grinding out something that sounded like a very colourful curse in a language unbeknownst to Alec, but maybe that was just because the sound was muffled by his flesh. Alec waited impatiently. Finally, Magnus raises his head again and motioned for Alec to sit down next to him. "Come here," he said and shifted on the couch until he sat cross-legged and could look Alec straight in the eyes.

"Alec," he began, taking the Shadowhunter's hand into his own,"I love you. You know I do. In fact, I love you more than I have ever loved anyone else in my seven hundred years of life-"

"Eight hundred."

"Details." Magnus brushed it off. "Now stop interrupting me. I want nothing more than to spend eternity with you, Alexander Lightwood, and if there was an innocuous way for you to become immortal, I would not hesitate to ask you to walk that path with me. But there isn't, so this is absolutely out of question. The price is too high."

"Why don't you let me decide that for myself?" Alec asked softly.

"Because right now, you're not thinking rationally, and when you're not thinking rationally, you're almost as reckless as Jace."

"What if I'm willing to pay the price?"

"That's exactly what I'm talking about. You're not thinking rationally, and in this state you probably would be willing to pay it." Magnus sighed. "But I don't want you to pay it."

"Why not?" Alec demanded.

Magnus looked him straight in the eye. "Would you want to sell your soul?" he asked gravely. "Because I don't want you to. You wouldn't be the same anymore."

Alec lowered his gaze to their hands, which were still intertwined. Magnus's skin was cool and soft under his own calloused hands. "Camille said there was another way," he said quietly.

This time, he was sure, Magnus would have really dropped his coffee had he still been holding it. The look on his face was a mixture of surprise and utter horror. "Camille?" he repeated incredulously. "You've – you've been talking to Camille?"

There was no point denying it, so Alec just shrugged. Magnus let out a surprisingly fervid chain of curses, got up and began pacing up and down at an incredible speed. "I can't believe that. You actually – actually went to Camille. How did you even find her? And you believe her?"

Alec shrugged again. "She also said you were one of the few who could perform the spells."

Magnus stopped abruptly, his back towards his boyfriend.

"Is it true?" Alec asked. "Is it, Magnus?"

When the warlock finally turned around, his face was twisted in pain and sorrow. "Yes," he whispered almost inaudibly. "Yes it is."

Chapter Text

Alec stared at Magnus for what seemed like an eternity.

"Magnus..." he said tentatively, but the warlock just shook his head, silently asking him to keep quiet, so Alec shut his mouth, albeit reluctantly.

After a few moments of contemplation, Magnus finally sighed and moved to join him on the couch again. "I don't even know where to start," he admitted, raking his hands through his hair and making a mess out of it. He didn't seem to notice.

"The beginning might be good."

The look Magnus gave him made it very clear he didn't approve of the smartass comment. "Before you freak out, there is one thing I want to clarify: Theoretically, there is a spell in the Book of White that allows warlocks to make mortal immortal, and yes, I know how it works – theoretically."

"You mean you've never done it? Why?" Alec inquired.

"Oh, I have tried it," said Magnus. "And it made me wish I hadn't."

"So it went wrong?"

"In a manner of speaking," Magnus's face hardened. "Look, Alec, there is one thing you need to understand: these spells, they are extremely complex and trying, more than any other spell I have ever performed. The tiniest mistake, the smallest lapse of concentration, will lead to severe consequences. If we were to try that, there would be a very high possibility that one of us is not going to survive it, potentially even both of us. It isn't unusual for the subject to die, because either their bodies do not endure so much magic flowing through their system or, when the spell needs to be broken off halfway through – well, let's just say this makes a very unpleasant mess."

Magnus shuddered slightly, making Alec wonder where and how often he had seen said mess before.

"As for the warlocks...one problem is the depletion of magic, which, in the lighter cases, only makes us pass out. When worst comes to worst, it can kill us. The most dangerous part, though, is probably that the spell might backfire, and this results in an even more unpleasant mess. It's not something you want to see, ever."

Camille's words suddenly echoed very loudly in Alec's ears. Are you willing to give up what you love the most? But what kind of deal was that, when trying to become immortal to spend eternity with the person he loved more than anything would rob him of said person? What point would there be in becoming immortal, then, in a world without Magnus?

The realisation how useless it had all been made the hopelessness spread inside of him. So maybe he had to consider becoming a vampire, then. Not that he wanted to, but if it was the only way then-

"Over the course of the years I have seen many warlocks trying to perform the spells," Magnus continued slowly. "In fact, almost everyone who ever managed to get a hold on a copy of the White Book attempted it. It usually ended in a disaster. As a matter of fact, aside from me I only know two warlocks personally who managed to get out of this unharmed. One of them was Ragnor Fell, the other is Tessa Gray."

Alec frowned, wondering where he'd heard that name before. It sounded familiar, but he couldn't put a finger on it.

"I met her over a hundred years ago, in London, along with Will Herondale and Jem Carstairs."

Ah, so that was it. Why was it that everything about Magnus always seemed to come back to Will Herondale? Even though Magnus had told him upfront that there had never been anything between them, Alec couldn't help but register the dull ache that pierced his chest every time he heard that name being uttered, surprisingly close to his heart.

Jealousy was a stupid thing, especially when the person you are jealous of has been dead for a hundred years. Well, at least Alec supposed that Will was dead. That didn't change anything, though. He still couldn't help it; the feeling just wouldn't go away, no matter how hard he tried, and it kept getting harder to ignore it the more that Shadowhunter's name was mentioned.

"I'm not going to go into details here, for although Tessa is a good friend of mine it is not exactly a story I like to be reminded of, and if I were to tell you the whole tricky and messed up story we would sit here for days," Magnus went on darkly.

"Basically, this is what you need to know: Tessa came to London from America, after her aunt had died, looking for her brother. She was – is – a warlock, a shape-shifter without a Demon's mark, which is why she always believed herself to be human. Anyway, in London she met Will and Jem, two Shadowhunters of the London Institute and parabatai. There was a huge drama unfolding that I would have liked to stay out of, but alas, I was soon in the middle of this mess – but that is a story I will tell you another time. Important here is only that Jem was very sick and that we all knew he had very little time left to live. Tessa wanted to help him."

"She tried to make him immortal?" Alec guessed.

Magnus nodded.

"Did it work?" Alec pressed on, although he thought he already knew the answer.

Behind him, Chairman Meow appeared and meowed plaintively. Magnus reached down to pick him up and let the tiny cat snuggle into his arms, absentmindedly rubbing him under his chin. The cat began to purr, satisfied with the treatment. "No," he replied. "I don't know exactly what went wrong; it might have had something to do with Jem not exactly agreeing to this, or maybe Tessa got the spell wrong – she was new to all of this, after all, and although she is some kind of a born natural, I suppose a spell from the White Book was too difficult for her – but it doesn't really matter either way. The result stays the same: Jem died, and Tess almost did, too."

Alec blinked. "What does that have to do with you, though? With us?"

"After this incident, Tessa swore to herself that she'd never try it again. But she was in love with Will, and therefore faced the same problems we have today. She was immortal. He wasn't."

"So she asked you to do it," Alec concluded.

Magnus nodded. "Exactly."

"Well," said Alec. "Did you?"

"Yes," Magnus said. "I know I shouldn't have. I even knew it back then. But the payment was good, I owed Tessa a favour and I saw it as a challenge. You know humility isn't exactly my forte, so I was convinced I could achieve what no one else had managed to achieve before. And it worked; but it also went terribly wrong."

Alec fought the urge to smack him for his stupid cryptic statements. He'd gotten enough of those from Camille. There was a dark shadow ghosting over Magnus's face as he spoke which kept Alec from pressing any further. So he waited, albeit impatiently, for his boyfriend to continue.

He had to admit that he was intrigued now. He didn't particularly like the thought of Will still being alive, somewhere, although his animosity made him feel bad, somehow; after all, it wasn't like this man had ever harmed Alec in any way, and it was probably stupid to dislike someone you had never even met, but he found himself wanting to know how the story went on. At the same time, a sense of anxiety spread through his body. What if he really didn't want to hear it? Alec quickly dismissed the thought. This was the key, wasn't it? The reason why Magnus didn't want to perform the spell again.

He had to know.

The seconds ticked by. Sighing, Alec took one of Magnus's hands into his own, earning an indignant look from Chairman Meow who was thus deprived from the snuggling, and squeezed it. "What happened?" he asked softly.

Magnus's lips were pressed to a small line. "There is a balance in this world, Alec, that should not be interfered with. People live and people die, that's how it usually works. A life for a life, one person dies, a new one is born, a never ending circle, almost like an exchange. The souls of humans and other mortals belong to God, and he is the one to control this exchange. Now, usually, when someone becomes immortal, he sells his soul to one of the dark forces, like the Devil. For some reason, this doesn't seem to disturb the balance – I suppose it's something the two settle amongst themselves. But with these spells..."

"You're telling me we'd unsettle the natural balance of the world?" Alec asked, bewildered.

Magnus looked at him, and that was answer enough. Alec blinked, trying to process that piece of information. "O-kay," he said slowly. "So what happened next? You don't seem to have caused an apocalypse. I mean, after all, we are all still alive and London is still standing."

A tired smile played around the corners of Magnus's lips. "No, not an apocalypse. But something like God's personal vendetta. You could tell he was not amused."

All Alec could do was stare.

Magnus looked thoughtful. "I don't think I've ever seen such a chaos erupt that quickly. I am still amazed that I am still alive, actually. I wouldn't have thought I'd be left off the hook that easily, and I guess I wouldn't have been if Will hadn't made the decision to solve the issue himself. I don't know whether he was just not thrilled at the idea of always running from an army of angels or whether he just wanted to protect Tessa, but he killed himself before things could get really nasty."

When he met Alec's look, his eyes were darker than they'd ever been before. "The truth is," he whispered, "I don't know what I would induce this time. I don't know what will happen. I don't know how much harm we would bring to the world. I don't even know how long we could survive. But you know what the worst thing is?" Magnus smiled bitterly. "The worst thing is that I am actually considering it. Because I wouldn't care how many people die if I could just be with you. I wouldn't care at all. I am a very selfish being, as you can see. I would sacrifice the rest of the world if I knew it would work. I would sacrifice everything. If this was only about me, I'd risk it without a moment of hesitation. But it isn't. This is also about you, and I know you couldn't live with it. You wouldn't be able to live with yourself anymore if you knew you'd caused the deaths of innocent people. In the end, you would lose yourself."

Alec swallowed. Suddenly, and very unexpectedly, he was staring at an abyss deep inside of him he hadn't known existed.

Before he had met Magnus, he had, aside from his numerous self-doubts and being uncomfortable with his sexuality, more or less considered himself to be a good person. He loved and cared for his family. He tried to be fair and unbiased. He helped defeat evil on a day-to-day basis. He was saving lives. Then he had met Magnus, and had had to face the darker sides of his soul. First the denial. The Lies. Then the jealousy. Striving for something that was not entitled to mortals. The realisation that he would go to huge lengths just to be with Magnus.

Now that he actually had to ask himself what price he was willing to pay, Alec felt as if he lost all ground underneath his feet, and he was shocked to find what he was capable of thinking in the darkest corner of his mind.

Magnus was right.

The worst thing was that he was actually considering it.

Chapter Text

Numbness is a curious thing. Sometimes it is a curse; a shock ripping through your body, impeding any kind of feelings, preventing you from thinking. Sometimes it is a blessing; like a thick fog, creeping up through your body and mind, dulling the pain, silencing the nagging voices of guilt, self-hatred and whatever else people might want to bury deep inside them. A lot of people even like to induce said feeling of not feeling anything at all with alcohol.

To Alec, it seemed that, although he was already feeling numb, he was still in desperate need of a drink.

He had always hated alcohol – the bitter taste that lingered on his tongue, the slowing-down of his reactions, the loss of control over your own mind and body. Alcohol never made anything better or easier to deal with in the end; it just helped to push the thoughts aside for a while, only to have them coming back with full force later. But it never made the problems go away, no matter how desperately you wished it would.

Alec had only been drunk once, and it was one of the few things he had done in his life that he thoroughly regretted. It seemed that the consumption of alcohol did not only cause him to have a massive hangover the next day, but it had also made him lose control of his mouth completely (incidentally, this had been the day he had told Isabelle he was gay, which was fine, because she seemed to know already, but he had very nearly told his parents, too – and he had almost admitted his crush to Jace. He would have, had it not been for Izzy clamping a hand over his mouth).

The fear of losing control over himself was the only thing that stopped him from making a beeline to the cabinet he knew his parents kept the hard liquor in. If he was already contemplating persuading Magnus to try the spell on him with a conscious mind, what would he do if the rational parts of his brain were shut down?

His throat felt incredibly dry as he swallowed and he felt a shiver running down his spine. It scared Alec to know that there was a part of him, regardless of how deep it was buried, that would be able to watch people being sacrificed for his happiness. The traitorous thoughts, whispers in his head: Don't you deserve to be happy, too, for once in your life? Is it really too much to ask for what everyone else has a chance at, too? If you have a chance, why don't you go for it?

He had never considered himself to be a selfish person. In fact, he had been raised to put other people's wellbeing and safety over his own. He was trying to protect people, wasn't he? That was what he was supposed to do and what he had always gladly done. He had never liked the fighting part, but the conviction that he was helping people, that he was saving lives, had made it endurable. But now...how could he even dare to consider endangering innocent people in exchange for something he didn't even know worked?

Alec faltered in his steps. What was he even doing? He had practically fled Magnus's apartment after hearing the story, telling the warlock he needed time to think, which was probably true, except it didn't help at all. So far, the only thing he had succeeded in was to drive himself crazy and tear him apart inside even more.

Camille was right. He shouldn't even have asked. Now that he knew, he wished he could erase this knowledge from his consciousness. Or go back in time and undo his actions and find a way to convince himself that it would be enough to live with Magnus until the day he died, that he didn't care that one day, if they made it through, a nineteen-year-old looking boy would be holding the hand of an eighty-year-old, wrinkled and broken man, that he didn't fear that Magnus would love him less and less the older and more hideous he grew, that they would be happy anyway.

The thing was, Alec had never been a good liar, not even to himself. He was pretty good at keeping secrets and repressing unwanted thoughts if need be – or he had been, until he met Magnus, until the issue of immortality came up – but deep inside, he would always know the truth.

It wouldn't be enough. Not now, and not ever.

Being completely lost in thought and resolutely staring at the ground as if it held all the answers e needed, Alec failed to see the person walking towards him as he rounded the corner until he collided with her.

"Whoa," the girl he had collided with said after she had regained her balance. "Watch where you're going, Alec."

Alec blinked in surprise. "Izzy?"

"There aren't that many other girls roaming the corridors of the Institute, now are there?" she said, rolling her eyes impatiently. "Are you alright?" she continued, regarding him with a frown. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

Well, he kind of had. Although he wasn't surprised that his sister would notice his distress (not only because she was better at reading people than one would give her credit for, but also because his face tended to be an open book, at least when he was brooding) he asked: "I do?"

Isabelle nodded. "You're paler than usual. And you look...I don't know. Like you haven't slept in weeks. And you're unhappy. And-" she hesitated.

"And what?"

Izzy bit her lip. "You look like Jace," she said finally, her voice barely more than a whisper, "back then, when he thought that Clary was his sister."

Alec swallowed. He had to admit that there were certain parallels. Like being haunted by thoughts you shouldn't have. Or the awareness that you could never be with the one person you loved the way you wanted to.

"I'm not alright," he admitted quietly.

Isabelle's gaze was dark and steady upon him. "Come," she said, reaching out to take his hand, and led him to her room. Absentmindedly he noticed that she turned the key twice to ensure no one would disturb them while he sat down on her bed.

It had been a long time, he mused, since he'd last been here. Before, he had often spent hours and hours in her room, talking to her. Izzy had always been his most intimate confidant, his closest friend, especially in those matters that he could not talk to Jace about. During the last weeks, this had changed. They had changed. Now that he was sitting here in her room, with her waiting for him to begin, he wasn't sure how much he could actually tell her.

And, for the first time, he was almost certain that she wouldn't understand.

"Alec," Izzy said softly, "tell me what's wrong. Please. Please talk to me."

Alec stared at his hands. "It's complicated."

"When is it not?" A wry smile tugged at the corners of her lips.

Nervously, Alec fiddled with the hem of his sweater and took a deep breath. "I might have done something – no, actually, I haven't done anything. But I might have considered doing something...something that isn't good. Something that might put everyone I love into danger. Something that might even put innocent people in danger. Something I shouldn't even think about. And I feel like...like I'm losing myself and my mind and I...I just don't know what to do. I don't know what's right and wrong anymore. Or rather, I do know what is right, but what I want to do, what I really want to do is...is the wrong thing."

The words came out so rushed and confused that he wouldn't have been surprised if she hadn't understood any of it. It seemed she had, though.

"This...something," she asked softly, "does it have something to do with Magnus?"

Alec just nodded, unable to find his voice.

"I thought so," Isabelle said. "What is it, Alec?"

"I don't know if I can tell you."

There was a look of hurt on her face, but it disappeared as quickly as it had come. "I don't think you have to tell me," she replied. "I know."

"You do?" Alec blinked.

"I'm not an idiot, Alec. I've known you my entire life," Izzy reminded him somewhat impatiently. "And I can put two and two together. You haven't only been fighting about Magnus's past lovers lately – I heard you asking Magnus why he had never turned anyone immortal when I interrupted your conversation to tell him that Camille had escaped. That's what's been on your mind, isn't it? Immortality."

For a long time, neither of them said anything.

"I shouldn't even be wasting my time thinking about it," Alec broke the silence eventually. "It's just...it's so unfair, you know? I just want to be with him. But no matter what I do, I never seem to be able to be close enough to him, and no matter what I do, I always feel as if I'm running out of time," he said, kneading his hands. "I know it's probably ridiculous and stupid, because I'm only eighteen and I'm supposed to have my whole life ahead of me and I shouldn't be worrying about growing old or dying or about how time always seems to fly, but..." Alec interrupted himself, hanging his head miserably.

Isabelle shifted on the bed to come closer and lay her head on his shoulder. "It's not stupid," she said. "Do you think I've never thought about immortality before?"

Alec tensed. "You have?"

"Of course," Izzy shrugged. "Not the way you did, I guess, but I did."

Maybe the thing with Simon was more serious than he had thought. Then again, he hadn't really thought about Izzy and the Daylighter very much at all recently, not because he didn't care or didn't approve, but because he had been too occupied with his own problems. "Because of Simon?" he inquired.

"Yes," she affirmed. "I mean, it's not like our relationship is like yours and Magnus's at all," she hastened to add, "but still. I like Simon. I know it's not this kind of forever love that the two of you have and quite frankly I'm not sure whether it will ever be – in fact, I'm not even sure whether we're actually together -, but if it should turn out to be more serious then I know it will be an issue one day."

"So have you come up with a solution already, then?" Alec asked, trying to sound casual.

His sister shook her head. "Not yet. I will think about it some more if I actually have to. Until then, I'll just wait and see, I guess. What about you, though? You seem to have encountered a solution."

"The problem is that the solution isn't really a solution at all." Upon seeing Izzy's confused look, Alec had the distinct feeling that he was beginning to sound as cryptic as Camille and Magnus. He sighed. "There might be a way, but it's dangerous. Very dangerous. Iz, what if I do something really, really bad? What if I put all of your lives on the line just because I'm being selfish? What if I-"

"Shhh!" Izzy interrupted him by clamping a hand over his mouth. "Stop blaming yourself before you've actually done something bad. Listen, Alec. Firstly, and most importantly, you are allowed to think of yourself first for once. And secondly, I love you. We all love you, no matter what. And no matter what you do, we will support you. Always."

She leaned forward, and then Alec felt her soft lips tenderly pressed against his temple.

"I know you will do the right thing."

Chapter Text

He had forgotten his keys, Alec realised belatedly, as he stood on Magnus's doorstep for the second time that day. Well, technically it wasn't the same day, Alec noticed when he took a look at his watch. The hour hand was unmistakably pointing towards the Roman two on the clock face, and just for a second Alec considered stepping back and returning to the Institute just to not wake Magnus up. He knew Magnus hadn't gotten a lot of sleep lately, either, since it seemed that the warlock business was at its peak, which was probably due to Magnus being away and unavailable for so long while they were on their holiday in Europe. Whenever Magnus wasn't out to make house calls the customers were constantly entering and leaving his flat in five-minute cycles.

Alec chewed on his lower lip as he felt a hint of guilt creeping up inside him and then quickly shook off the thought. In the end, it didn't matter whether he woke Magnus up by banging on the door or after he'd already entered the loft. And no matter how exhausted the warlock was and no matter how much Alec wanted to let him have a good night's rest, he also knew that if he didn't tell Magnus now he might change his mind come morning. And he didn't want to change his mind. He had made his decision and he would go through with it, just so that he wouldn't rip himself apart over it anymore.

Determined not to let his brain take over too much, Alec pressed the doorbell.

A minute or so later, Magnus voice sounded through the speaker with a crackle, surprisingly loud and forceful for someone who had probably just stumbled out of bed. He actually sounded awake, and somewhat intimidating, had Alec not been used to him and his ostentatious declarations. "Who calls upon the High Warlock of Brooklyn?"

Alec cleared his throat. "Um...it's me. I forgot my key."

There was a small pause, as if Magnus was too surprised to say or do anything. Then the buzzer went off and the door sprang open.

The staircase was as dark and smelly as ever, but Alec felt better now that he was here. When he reached the last step, he saw that Magnus was already waiting for him, leaning in the doorway, and Alec was instantly reminded of the first day he ever came here alone, when Magnus had awaited him in a similar manner (only back then he had been wearing more than a pair of pyjama pants), his golden-green cat eyes glowing in the dark as he examined him intently.

"Alec," he said quietly, "I didn't think you'd come tonight."

Alec shrugged. "Sorry about waking you up", he muttered, contrite. "Can I come in?"

Magnus's features softened instantly. "I wasn't aware that you were ever not allowed into my humble abode," he pointed out, smiling weakly. "So, I don't know if you can come in, but you certainly may, if that was what you were talking about."

Alec rolled his eyes. "Seriously Magnus? That joke is ancient and not even remotely funny."

Magnus's smile widened a bit as he stepped aside to let Alec pass through the door. "Personally, I wouldn't even classify it as a joke. It's more like an illustration for children to teach them how to discern the use of the two terms more accurately."

Alec snorted softly. "Glad to see you think I'm a child in need of said illustration."

He waited until the warlock had closed the door and then wrapped his arms around him, burying his face in the crook of his neck and simply inhaling Magnus's scent. Immediately, the anxiety and restlessness he had struggled with all day, or rather, ever since he had talked to Camille, fell away from him and Alec let out a content sigh. It was strange how Magnus's very presence and the mere warmth of his body could feel so comforting.

"Are you alright?" Magnus asked, worried.

Alec nodded. "Yes," he mumbled against Magnus's skin. "I am now."

And it was true. Being here with Magnus, he felt good. Like he didn't need anything else. Like he never wanted to be anywhere else. Like...

Like this is where I belong, Alec thought with a bit of surprise. It sounded cliché, but that was exactly how he felt. Magnus was all he ever wanted, and all he ever needed. The thought made him smile, and he wondered how on earth he hadn't realised this sooner.

Magnus pushed a strand of hair out of his face and pressed his lips against his temple. "You look tired," he muttered.

"I haven't slept in a while," Alec admitted. "I've done a lot of thinking."

Magnus tensed the slightest bit. "I see," he said, trying to sound indifferent and failing miserably. "Have you come to any significant, world-shaking conclusion?"

"I have." Alec pulled back the slightest bit, just so that he could look Magnus in the eyes. "Look, Magnus, I – I don't know how you feel about this, and I know this is insane and risky and if you refuse to do it then I won't force you to, of course, but I – I want to try."

Magnus swallowed hard. "Are you sure?"

"Yes." Alec's voice didn't waver.

"Once we start this, there will be no going back," he warned.

"I know."

"You will have to leave your family behind."

"I know."

"It might go horribly wrong."

"I know."

"And even if it doesn't –"

"I know," Alec interrupted Magnus softly. "I know. Do you think I didn't take all of that into consideration? Do you really think I haven't thought about all of these things?"

Magnus's expression was unreadable. "Maybe I am just surprised by your decision. I wouldn't have thought..." His voice faltered.

"That I'd choose you?" Alec asked and attempted a smile. "I have to admit that at first, I was somewhat shocked that I even considered it," he continued, tracing the contours of Magnus's collarbones with his fingertips. "But the thing is...the thing is, I love you. And I will always choose you, because all I want is a chance to be with you." He swallowed. "If you want me, that is."

Magnus sighed. "Do I even have to answer that one?" he inquired. "I thought I had made it very clear that I do."

"I expected you to try and talk me out of this," Alec confessed.

"I probably should." Magnus smiled half-heartedly. "Oh, scratch that, I definitely should. But I think we both know I'm not going to. I'm too selfish to not take a chance to have you all for myself. Also, I'm not even sure if I could talk you out of it if I wanted to – you can be surprisingly stubborn and insistent if you want to, and I have yet to learn how to deny you anything," he said, leaning forward to place a chaste kiss on the Shadowhunter's lips.

Alec exhaled. "So..." he began tentatively, "when do we start?"

Magnus couldn't help but chuckle. "Really, Alec? This is not exactly a piece of cake." He grew serious again, then. "I will have to do a lot of preparations first. Some more research, setting everything up...and..."

"And what?"

The warlock avoided looking into his eyes. "I don't think we should do it here. And that maybe you should say goodbye to your family." It was curious, Alec mused, how pained Magnus sounded. Almost as pained as Alec felt whenever he thought about this.

"I understand," Alec nodded. "I've been thinking about that, too."

"You have?"

"Yes. I was thinking about what you said what happened the last time and – I don't want to put them in danger. I want them to be safe. And the only way to ensure that whatever might or might not be coming after us is to leave and go as far away from them as possible."

Magnus's gaze was very dark on him. "Are you sure you can do that? Say goodbye to them, knowing that you might never see them again?"

"I just want to be with you," Alec said. "And if that means that I will have to give up my family and give up shadowhunting and give up my home, then I am willing to do that." He frowned. "I don't think I should tell them about it, either. Nor where we are going. The less they know the safer they will be, I suppose."

"It's not going to be easy."

"Of course it isn't," Alec grimaced. "Maybe I shouldn't go back to the Institute at all. You could snap my clothes and stuff here, couldn't you?"

Magnus frowned. "It wouldn't be fair to them, Alexander, to leave without saying farewell or even telling them that you are leaving in the first place. They will worry about you, and they'd search for you everywhere."

"They will worry anyway." Alec brushed a strand of hair out of his eyes. "What am I even going to tell them? 'Hey mom, I'm leaving and I'll probably not come back, ever'? I don't think I can tell them the truth."

"We will tell them that we'll visit a friend in London," Magnus decided. "And then...we'll take it from there, okay?"

"London?" Alec echoed.

"London," Magnus confirmed. "This is where we will be going. Although Tessa has vowed to never use that spell again, her assistance may be useful. She knows the basics still, and she is a very skilled and strong warlock. If nothing else, she can help me by supplying some power. I'll call her tomorrow."

"Okay." Alec felt strangely calm now that everything was decided. There was a finality to it that he had not anticipated, and it was also unexpectedly reassuring, as long as he pushed the thoughts of his parents, his sister and parabatai out of his mind. There was still a small part of his brain wondering why he was doing this, how he was capable of agreeing to this, but it was silenced by the much bigger part saying that it was worth it.

He'd take eternal damnation, just for one day with Magnus, and the price wouldn't be too high.

When Alec woke up in the morning the bed beside him was already empty, which was a surprise in itself. Usually, Alec was up hours before Magnus even considered cracking an eye open. He sat up and tried to rub the sleep from his eyes. The night had been short, but for the first time in weeks he had actually slept through it, not once waking up from unpleasant dreams or nagging thoughts. Yawning, he slipped out from under the covers and began searching for his clothes which were scattered around the room. As he shuffled around, Alec could hear Magnus's voice drifting in from the living room. Quickly, he slipped on his jeans and pulled on his faded old sweater before making his way to the kitchen to get some coffee.

Magnus met him halfway down the corridor. "I just talked to Tessa," he said instead of a greeting.

Alec's head perked up. "What does she say?"

"Well, to say that she's not happy would be an understatement," Magnus grimaced. "But she'll help us anyway. She thinks we are insane, but she will do it."

Alec nodded. "When are we leaving?"

"Whenever you are ready." Magnus tilted his head, regarding him intently. "Alec, we don't have to do this immediately. There is no need to rush things. It doesn't make a difference whether we leave today, or next week, or next year. I think you should take your time...saying goodbye. We are in no hurry."

"Yes we are," Alec contradicted gravely. "I'm a Shadowhunter, Magnus. You know we aren't exactly known for out longevity. Every raid we go on might be my last, and the longer we wait, the higher the chances are that we will wait too long."

Magnus shook his head. "I just get the feeling that you are suddenly a little bit too eager," he murmured.

"That's because I'm scared shitless," Alec said, cracking a weak smile. "I really want it, Magnus, but I also just want it to be over and done. I wish I had already said goodbye to my family, just so that I wouldn't have to do it. I wish we had already tried the spell, just so that I could know whether it worked or not. Just so that I could be with you."

"I know how you feel," Magnus sighed.

It seemed he wanted to say something else, but Alec cut him off before he could speak up. "I had better go to the Institute," he said quietly. "Pack some stuff and everything."

"Do you want me to come?"

Alec inhaled deeply and shook his head. "No, I think I'll be okay."

And with that, he turned around to face the most difficult part.

Chapter Text

No one but Church was to be seen upon his entering, something Alec was infinitely glad about. He'd been trying to sort the thoughts in his head and figure out what exactly to tell his family the entire time it took him to get from Magnus's loft to the Institute, but hadn't succeeded in coming up with anything good. Also, he kept replaying some worst case scenarios in his head. What if his parents refused to let him go on yet another 'vacation'? What if Izzy put two and two together – as Alec suspected she might, seeing how perceptive she was – and gave his plans away?

What if he couldn't bring himself to say goodbye?

Slowly, Alec made his way to his room. He intended to pack some stuff first, his clothes and some weaponry, just to make sure. He was stalling for some more time, trying to defer saying farewell as long as possible, there was no denying that, but Alec felt like he needed that. Packing his stuff not only forced him to think rationally and organized again and helped him prepare himself, but walking up to his parents with his luggage in his hands would help stressing his point and present them with accomplished facts. He didn't want to take any chances of either them protesting or him chickening out, and he hoped that doing this would undermine his determination.

He rummaged through his closet, checked whether he had packed all the necessary item thrice and, when he could no longer put it off, zipped his bag closed, slung it over his shoulder and exited his room, forcing himself to not look back. Nostalgia wasn't what he needed right now. And really, while he had been spending the greatest part of his life in this room, he wasn't all that fond of it anymore. Before, he had liked how plain and simple it was – it had been comfortable enough, and it had suited him. Now he felt like he could never feel at home in a room without some splash of colour in it again. Alec swallowed and pulled the door shut behind him.

Church was still waiting for him outside his room, looking up at him with big green eyes and Alec swore it was as if he knew. Then the cat stretched, got up and trotted over, rubbing against his legs and meowing plaintively. Alec bent down to pat his head. "I know, buddy," he murmured, "I'll miss you, too. Now can you tell me where the others are?"

The feline licked his hand and then led him down the corridors, always staying close. Once they reached the ground floor, Alec could already hear the voices drifting down the corridor from the library. Jace's and Isabelle's bickering was never hard to make out. Once in a while, either Maryse or Robert would tell them to stop and mind their manners, but that didn't have any effect on them, as it seemed. It never had.

It took Alec all of five minutes until he finally got himself to push the door open. He'd listened to his siblings' and parents' voices without actually hearing what they were talking about, trying not to think about the fact that this was probably the last day he'd ever hear them talk.

Everyone turned to look at him when he entered, as if they were surprised to see him there. "Alexander," his father said, confirming his suspicions, "we thought you were with Magnus." His eyes narrowed when he saw the bag Alec was clutching onto.

"I was," Alec cleared his throat. "I just...I came to pack some stuff, is all."

Maryse's head turned sharply, her eyes boring into his. Isabelle's expression was carefully schooled, except for a slight frown creasing her forehead. Jace was grinning. "What?" he asked, "has he finally asked you to move in with you?"

Alec shook his head. "We've made plans to...to go to London. Visit an old friend of his."

"What? Another holiday?" Jace grimaced. "That's not fair! How come you always get time off to enjoy yourself?"

"Oh, shut up, Jace," his sister cut in unexpectedly, "they deserve to finish their vacation after the last one was so crudely interrupted. Right?" she asked, turning to her parents.

Robert hesitated, then nodded slowly."I suppose so. I see no reason for them not to go, especially since the demon activity has been rather low the last weeks. It would be better if you asked us at an earlier stage the next time, though, and not on such short notice. "

Izzy rolled her eyes. "Please," she said, "it's not like he needs your permission to spend some time with his boyfriend. And Jace and I can kill off some demons anytime. Plus, you are here, too, and maybe Clary will turn out to be useful one day as well, so there are really enough Shadowhunters around. Don't make him feel bad for leaving for a while."

Maryse's gaze was still fixated on him. "How long will you be gone?"

There was a rather thick lump in his throat. Alec tried to ignore it. Angel, how much he had hoped this question wouldn't be asked. "I don't know yet," he replied, trying to sound casual and failing miserably. His voice sounded strained, and he cleared his throat to attempt it again. "We haven't really talked about it. We'll see."

Robert nodded again. After glancing at his watch he said, "I need to contact the Inquisitor now. I'll be in the study." As he passed Alec, he put his hand on his shoulder briefly, "Enjoy your vacation and take care."

"Bye, Dad." The words came out strangled, and he didn't think Robert had heard them.

Slowly, Maryse pushed herself off the chair as well. "I'd better accompany him." Unlike his father, though, she stopped in front of her son to encircle him in her arms.

Alec was startled, and, unused to this, froze for a second before he hugged her back. "I love you, Mom," he murmured into her hair, and he could feel her smile against his temple. She pressed a soft kiss on his cheek and then pulled back. "Watch out for yourself, will you?"

He managed a weak smile. "Yeah."

His heart clenched painfully as he watched her walk away, her long black hair falling down her back and swaying with every step. She seemed a thousand miles away already, as if he could never reach out and touch her again.

Isabelle broke the spell, then, when she hopped off the edge of the table she'd been sitting on and grabbed his hand. "I'll accompany you to the front door."

A look of surprise and confusion appeared on Jace's face, his eyes darting from her to his brother rapidly. Of course he'd notice something was off. Iz wasn't one for big goodbyes, and neither was Alec. One could basically see the little cogs turning in his head. Then understanding dawned on his face as some things fell into place, and he paled. "I see," was all he said. "You're not coming back, are you?"

Alec shook his head slowly.

Jace swallowed, hard, and got to his feet as well. Wordlessly, he took Alec's bag and ushered his siblings out of the room. The walk down the hall was silent and seemed to take an eternity, and yet they reached the gate way too fast. It was easier, in a way, with one of his siblings at either side of him, Isabelle still clutching onto his hand, and at the same time harder. They stopped there for a moment, just standing in silence, looking at each other.

"I knew this day would come," Jace said suddenly.

"You did?"

"Yeah." He kicked against the stone wall. "This is why I hate Magnus."

Alec stared, unable to get out any words.

"It's a bit like with you and Clary, back then, I guess," Jace continued, a bitter note in his voice. "You didn't like her because you thought she'd steal me away, drive a wedge between us. Except that she didn't, because she's just another Shadowhunter and it's not that hard to combine a relationship with your girlfriend with looking after your family. Sure, we're spending less time together, but...but it's different with Magnus. It has always been, because he's a warlock. When I first found out that he liked you, and that you liked him back, I was happy for you. Really, I was. But then your relationship became really serious, after what happened in Idris, and that was when I realised it. I realised that what you had wouldn't be enough. I realised that there would come a time when you'd have to choose between us and him, and when I saw the way you looked at him, I knew you would decide against us. That he'd take you away from us. And I hate him, because he's the reason I'll lose you, the reason our family falls apart, but at the same time I can't, because he makes you happy and..." Jace abruptly broke off his rant, clenching and unclenching his fist. Alec suspected that he contemplated battering the wall.

He swallowed, hard. "Jace," he pleaded, his voice raw as if he'd been screaming all night, "please don't ask me to stay."

Beside him, Isabelle shifted. "Don't," she told Jace, "you're just making it harder for all of us."

Jace looked as though he was about to throw up. "I won't," he promised, inhaling deeply. "I want you to be happy, Alec. I've always wanted you to be happy. You're my brother and my parabatai, and I'll miss you like shit, but I won't hold you back. I know you have to go."

"Thanks." It was only a whisper, but he knew Jace understood.

Then Izzy flung her arms around him and pressed him to close to her body that he could hardly breathe, burying her face in his old sweater. Her words were so muffled he could barely hear them. "Will we ever see you again?"

"I don't know, Izzy," he murmured. "I wish I knew. I'll try, I promise. I will if I can. But I don't know..." he trailed off.

She let out a strangled sob, and when she pulled back a minute or so later, there was a wet spot on his shoulder. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen her cry, aside from when Max had died. "I love you, Alec," she whispered, "I love you so, so much."

"I love you, too." He pushed a strand of her hair from her face. "Promise me you'll look after Jace for me, okay? Hit him on the head when he's being an ass."

She managed a weak smile. "Will do."

She stepped back then, to give Jace the opportunity to say goodbye as well. Surprisingly, he did the same thing his sister had done, pulling Alec into a tight embrace. He smelled like sunshine and soap, and smell was so familiar that for a second, Alec felt as if someone had pulled the rug out from under his feet. Then Jace let go, and the moment was gone.

"Don't get yourself killed," Alec said sternly. "Make use of that brain of yours, okay? And take care of Izzy for me, or I swear I'll come after you."

One corner of Jace's mouth curled up. "Tell your sparkly boyfriend that if he ever hurts you, I will come after him, and he'll wish he'd never been born," he countered.

"I'm serious, Jace."

"So am I." Jace sobered. "Now go. I hate long goodbyes."

Alec nodded and lifted up his bag. "I'll miss you, too," he said. "I'll always miss you."

"Go," Jace growled, "before I break my promise."

Alec stepped out of the door and turned left, walking down the street slowly. Fog had crept up the streets, turning the world black and grey and white. Taking one last look back, he saw Jace and Isabelle standing on the street, watching him leave. Jace's arm was around her waist, holding her close, and she had laid her head on his shoulder, her arms wound around him. It tore Alec to pieces, seeing the pain on their faces, but deep inside he knew it would be alright. They'd have each other. They would give each other strength, keep the other from falling apart. They would manage, and they would be happy again.

They would be alright.

He would be alright.

Alec turned and took some more steps, and when he turned around once more, they had already been vanished in the mist.