Chapter Text
“Why are you still standing over there?” Baek Yijin asked, setting down the fried chicken and beer on the kitchen counter.
Good question. Why was she still in the entryway of Seo Junghyuk’s apartment?
This was the fourth Saturday in a row they had met here. A month of these solitary get-togethers–Na Heedo refused to call them dates–and she still got butterflies every time she entered this space.
Over and over, she’d told herself not to think too much about it. Since that night they’d agreed to be friends, he hadn’t broached the subject of dating once. This was just the best day for them to meet up, and it just so happened that Seo Junghyuk always worked on Saturday nights. And, as Baek Yijin pointed out, they kept getting recognized and interrupted wherever they went. There was no special meaning behind this. It just made sense.
As she inched her way into the apartment, she silently listed off more reasons she needed to calm down.
We’re just friends.
He’s barely started his new job.
He has time for me now, but that will change.
The real test is yet to come.
And it might not matter. He hasn’t brought up dating since that night. He’s probably changed his mind and just wants to be friends.
Yes, we are just two friends hanging out.
She’d been so vigilant, so strong. Only allowing these once-a-week meetings, even though he wanted to see her all the time. Self-discipline! It was the only way she would defeat her feelings for Baek Yijin and his puppy dog eyes.
You can do this, Heedo! You must!
Pep talk finished, she stood in the middle of the room, squeezing her hands together.
Baek Yijin gestured to the low table in front of her. “Go ahead and sit. I’ll bring the food over.”
Heedo set her coat on the couch near the table, then sank down, crossing her legs.
She reached for the remote to turn on the television, but before she could grab it, Baek Yijin dropped to his knees beside her. A plate of food and an opened can of bear appeared in front of her. Then he settled on the floor, so close that his shirtsleeves brushed against her bare forearms.
Heedo pressed her hands against the floor, pushing down as hard as she could. It did nothing to quell the kaleidoscope of butterflies fluttering around in her stomach.
“So, how was training this week?” he asked.
Heedo sipped from her can. “Same as always.”
Out of the corner of her eye, Heedo saw Yijin bring his finger near one of the bruises on her arm, not quite touching, but so close she could feel him all the same. She turned her head towards him.
“You’re gathering a collection of bruises,” he said, his lower lip sticking out slightly in a frown.
She shrugged, rubbing her hand over the area of the bruise. “I’m used to it.”
“Did you ever end up training with that fan of yours?”
“Who? Oh! Eunwoo Oppa. No, we haven’t trained together yet. With the competition so soon, I don’t want to change any of my routines. But he did invite me to one of his practices.”
“I guess you’re too busy to go, what with your competition.”
“No. I already went. Actually, I just came from it.”
Baek Yijin stared at his beer can, swishing the liquid around inside. “Ah. How was it?”
“Really interesting, actually.”
“Hmm?”
“I get so caught up in my own sport, so it’s good to see how hard others work and what they do to prepare.”
“I see.” Yijin polished off his beer and set the can down on the table.
The two stared at the black screen of the television.
Eventually Baek Yijin spoke. “I finally have my first on-air assignment.”
Heedo gave him a thumbs up signal, her mouth too full of fried chicken to reply.
“It’s next Saturday,” Yijin said, looking at her from the corner of his eye. “I’ll have to cancel our usual meetup.”
Heedo swallowed her food with difficulty. The news disappointed her, as did her response to it. She took a another sip of beer, trying to appear unbothered. “I understand,” she finally said.
Yijin turned towards her. “I’m really sorry, Heedo. Can we reschedule? I should be free any other night. Or we could meet up later that day, afterward,” he said in a rush.
Heedo shrugged. “We’ll see.”
“Are you mad at me?”
“Why would I be mad at you? You’re just doing your job. And it’s not like Saturday is our day to hang out. It’s just…convenient,” she said, reciting the words she had said to herself many times in preparation for when his real job duties began.
“But you’re disappointed?” he said.
“I expected this,” she said, avoiding the question.
Yijin hung his head, staring down at his plate. “I did too, but it still upsets me. I feel like I hardly see you enough as it is. If it were up to me, I would choose you every time. You know that right?”
Heedo wanted to deny it, but the truth was staring right at her. How could she not know when his face was so open and full of longing? But she wasn’t supposed to give in yet. Especially when Yijin canceling on her for his job upset her so much. She had told herself to wait for this very reason. If she couldn’t handle something this small, this reasonable, how would she react when something bigger came up?
Heedo tore a piece of chicken off, but couldn’t eat it. Setting it down, she grabbed a napkin and wiped the grease off her fingers. Then, reaching for the remote, she turned on the tv. “I wonder what’s on.”
“Heedo-yah,” Yijin said quietly, placing his hand on hers. The sound of her name in that voice sent chills down her spine.
He took the remote from her and set it on his other side, but didn’t let go of her hand.
Heedo turned and raised her gaze to his face. His dark eyes met hers, then flickered down to her lips. “Heedo-yah,” he said again, his voice lower and softer. Yijin rubbed his fingers in slow, soft circles on the back of her hand.
Heedo closed her eyes, unable to bear the yearning so plainly written on his face. Unwilling for him to see that same desire mirrored in her own.
It felt like New Year’s Eve again, sitting in front of a forgotten television, on the edge of making a decision that would change her life forever.
She had always been brave, perhaps reckless. Back then she had been scared, but the challenge of the unknown and possible regret had spurred her on. As the clock struck midnight, and they entered the new millennium with all the uncertainty of Y2K hanging over their heads, Baek Yijin had asked her what she would like to do before the world ended. She had chosen to kiss him, had not wanted to die without knowing how Baek Yijin’s lips felt against her own.
For an all too brief, glorious time there had been nothing unknown between them. They had grown nearly as close as any two people could. From having never kissed him, Heedo had memorized the shape of Baek Yijin’s mouth, engraved upon her memory the way his lips fit so perfectly with hers. And regrets? There’d been none. She had seized every opportunity to walk in the warmth and glow of his love.
But that world they had built together had been obliterated, destroyed when he’d accepted the transfer to New York without telling her.
Heedo had promised herself she wouldn’t put herself through that. Never again. It was too awful to comprehend.
Baek Yijin’s nose brushed against her cheek. He exhaled. Warmth ghosted over her neck, and she began to tremble.
Heedo squeezed her eyes shut tightly, then exhaled, her chest shuddering as she tried to stop shaking.
Losing his love had been the worst thing she had ever experienced. So why did the idea of never knowing his love again suddenly seem infinitely worse?
Finally, she opened her eyes. Yijin stared at her, fixated. The way he always looked at her when he’d told her he loved her. Like she was covered in stardust and starlight.
Some things never changed. Na Heedo would always be reckless.
Na Heedo would always love Baek Yijin.
His gaze fell again to her mouth. Heedo felt a softening in herself, an answering tightness in her belly.
Heedo leaned forward at the same time he did, her lips parting with a sigh.
Yijin’s heart felt ready to burst out of his chest.
The love of his life was right there. Eyes closed, face lifted towards him, waiting for him to kiss her.
He had ached for this for so long, feared it would never happen again. Even now he worried that it was a dream, or that he would mess up, and Heedo would leave him again.
Slowly, he leaned toward her, gently resting his forehead against hers.
“Please, Heedo-yah,” he begged, “let me kiss you.”
Her chest rose and fell. “Yijin,” she said, her voice shaking.
Carefully, he raised his hands to her face, stilling his trembling fingers against her cheeks. He tilted his head. Such a slight, imperceptible movement, no more than an inch, yet bridging a divide Yijin he had once thought impassable.
His lips brushed against hers. The softest of touches, a feather light press that barely registered.
It felt like a miracle. It felt like their first kiss.
They stayed like this, neither moving any closer. Time seemed to contract and expand. Had it been seconds or minutes? He did not know, only that he never wanted it to end. And so he held himself back, just like that first time, afraid to do anything that would wake him from this dream.
Then Heedo’s mouth parted against his. Yijin inhaled sharply. Sparks of electricity arced down his spine. Blood thundered in his ears.
Heedo moaned against his mouth, and he thought he might fly out of his skin. His hands dropped to her waist, then lower. He squeezed her hips, ready to haul her into his lap.
This wasn’t a dream. She was here, and she was his. And as long as she wanted him, there was nothing that could keep them apart.
Except the sound of a key turning in the lock.
He blinked. Blinked again. The space Heedo had occupied was now empty.
His brain, muddled with desire, failed to process what had just happened. He looked all around and found Heedo, somehow transported halfway across the room, staring at the entryway.
The noise of dropped keys and a couple of thuds against the front door finally woke him from his stupor. Someone was trying to get in.
Yijin sank back against the couch behind him, biting back a curse. “I need to get my own place,” he muttered to himself, pushing himself to his feet as the door slowly opened.
“Baek Yijin, I’m back early,” Seo Junghyuk shouted before poking his head through the door. “Oh! Hi, Na Heedo,” he said, sounding unsurprised. The older man pushed into the entryway, then removed his shoes and coat.
“I was actually just leaving,” Heedo mumbled.
“What’s the rush?” Seo Junghyuk asked, glancing at the table. “Your food’s barely been touched. Besides, I haven’t seen you in ages! It’s good to see you again, Na Heedo.”
She nodded, then smiled back shyly. “It’s good to see you too.”
“Sunbae, please sit down and join us. There’s plenty of food,” Yijin said, waving to the table as he went to grab another plate.
Seo Junghyuk lowered himself to the floor, and Heedo and Yijin soon followed.
“Thanks! I’m starving.” Junghyuk Sunbae grabbed some chicken and put it on his plate. After he finished two wings, he dabbed at his mouth with a napkin. “Now I can think again. Thanks again for letting me join you. I hope I didn’t interrupt anything.”
“No, no! There was no interruption,” Heedo said quickly, waving her hands wildly. Yijin stifled a smile. It was rare to see Heedo flustered, especially now that she tried to hide her emotions from him. Her skin had paled, and her cheeks were rosy pink. She somehow managed to look both beautiful and adorable.
Why did Seo Junghyuk have to come back so early, Yijin lamented.
It’s better this way, isn’t it–Yijin reasoned begrudgingly–that Seo Junghyuk interrupted when he did, rather than find us making out?
“Baek Yijin?”
Yijin blinked and shook his head, banishing the image of Na Heedo beneath him on the floor, her face even more flushed.
What was wrong with him? Yijin rubbed his eyes. “I’m sorry, Sunbae. I’m just…tired. What were you saying?”
“I said they decided to change the segment I was working on into something bigger. We decided to call it a night and work on it more tomorrow. That’s why I’m back early. I texted you, but you must have missed it,” Seo Junghyuk said, raising his eyebrows at him.
Yijin coughed. He took a small sip of beer. “I’m sorry your weekend is lost.”
Seo Junghyuk shrugged. “It comes with the territory. As you know.”
Yijin looked over at Heedo, worried that the mention of erratic work schedules would make her question what had almost happened between them. She continued to pick at her food, keeping her head down.
They sat in relative quiet while Seo Junghyuk ate, and it seemed to Yijin that Heedo got up as soon as she could without being rude to Seo Junghyuk.
“I should get going. I have to visit my mom tomorrow.”
Yijin glanced at his watch. They’d barely been together an hour.
“I’ll walk you back,” he said, grabbing their coats and scarves from the couch. “I’ll clean up everything once I get back.”
“Take your time,” Seo Junghyuk said.
“Sorry for…” Heedo motioned to the table, then to the open room. “Thank you for allowing us to hang out here. It’s hard to meet in public, where everyone recognizes him.”
“Us,” Yijin interjected. “Everyone recognizes us.”
Seo Junghyuk shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you’re back. Now I have someone to contact when Baek Yijin gets out of line.”
Yijin’s eyes darted to Seo Junghyuk, who was looking squarely at him. There was no way Seo Junghyuk had seen their kiss earlier, so why did Yijin feel as if they’d been caught?
Na Heedo shifted her feet and gave a half-hearted laugh. “I’ll try to help.”
Seo Junghyuk stood up and walked them to the entrance. “I’ll hold you to it! Have a good night, you two.”
Yijin followed Heedo out of the apartment, his stomach sinking. She’d been awfully quiet the entire night, and especially since Seo Junghyuk’s arrival. She’d perked up when asked a direct question, but fell right back back into uncharacteristic silence.
Had he misread the situation? Been too impatient?
As they waited for the elevator, Yijin helped her into her coat, then put on his own. Their date had ended much earlier than their past ones, and he moved slowly, wanting to spend as much time with her as possible.
They went down to the first floor and were about to go outside into the cold.
“Let me help you with your scarf,” he said. She stood stock still as he looped the plaid stole around her neck, her short hair brushing against his fingers. Holding on to the ends of the scarf, he tugged on them gently, pulling her closer to him.
“It worries me when you’re this quiet.”
“You always worry,” she said.
“I mean it, Heedo. What are you thinking?”
He watched in silence as she chewed her lower lip. Finally she stumbled out, “We probably got carried away, because we were like that in the past…Old habits.”
She couldn’t possibly think that, could she? Surely, it was just a rationalization to protect herself. Yijin breathed in slowly, then exhaled quietly through his teeth. It was his fault she was so hesitant.
“Well, for me this isn’t an old habit,” he answered softly, wanting to reassure her. “I want to kiss you. Every time I see you, it’s almost all I can think about. Even now I—” Yijin’s hands tightened around the ends of her scarf.
Heedo’s eyes darkened. His body responded immediately, heat coursing through his veins. If he pushed a little more, she would probably give in.
Yijin nearly yanked her forward, wanting to finish what they had started.
But she was already doubting his intentions, which meant she wasn’t ready. He wanted Heedo to choose him without outside influence or manipulation, truly, he did, but his fear made him foolish sometimes. And his overwhelming desire made him desperate.
Self-discipline!
You can do this, Yijin! You must!
“I’m sorry. You said you just wanted us to be friends.” Yijin sighed, forcing himself to step back. “Sometimes it’s difficult to be so close to you.”
“It’s not easy for me either.”
Yijin’s eyes met hers, but she didn’t look away.
Heedo swallowed. “I think…It’s probably good that Seo Junghyuk came when he did.” Heedo nodded and clenched her hands into fists. In a firmer voice, she said, “Yes, it’s a good thing. I told myself I would take things slowly, and that I wouldn’t make any rash decisions.”
“I like that you're reckless,” Baek Yijin said, trying not to pout. There would be no more kisses tonight. But he was in it for the long haul, and she needed to know that.
“Really, you aren’t reckless enough,” he teased.
“Baek Yijin!” Heedo said with a laugh, swatting him on the arm. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Alright.” Yijin tugged at her scarf, pulling her towards him. Heedo’s laughter stopped, and her eyes widened in surprise. “I’ll be perfectly serious. I’m glad you are putting so much thought and consideration into this. It’s wise to move slowly. I’d hate it if you pulled away from me because you think we made a mistake. So take all the time you need. I will wait. I will always wait for you.”
He tucked the ends of her scarf into the loop around her neck. “When you choose me, I want it to be forever.”
Heedo pressed her hands against her cheeks, but said nothing.
“Come on. Let’s get you back to your dorm.”
Heedo nodded, still speechless.
Yijin walked on ahead, leaving Heedo behind. “Was that serious enough for you?” he asked, glancing over his shoulder with a smirk.
“Yah! He heard her scramble towards him, before he was launched forward by a slap of Olympic-level proportions on his back. Her laughter rang out into the cold air as he stumbled forward, and Yijin’s smirk melted into a smile.
The rest of their walk back was spent in comfortable silence. The biting cold was occasionally broken up by flares of heat, whenever their hands would brush against each other. But neither grabbed the other’s hand.
All too soon the entry gate to the Training Center came into view. “I meant to give you your Christmas present tonight, but I left it back at Seo Junghyuk’s. Can I see you tomorrow?” Yijin asked.
“I need to visit my mother,” Heedo reminded him.
“How about after my event on Saturday?”
“Actually, I just remembered that I have something too. I don’t know how long it will go,” Heedo said.
“Are you watching another of Cha Eunwoo’s practices?” he asked, trying to keep his voice level and even. He wasn’t jealous.
“Who?”
“The soccer player.”
“Oh! You mean Lee Eunwoo, and no. We haven’t talked about that yet.”
Yet? Yijin swallowed.
Yijin kept digging for more information.
“Another fencing meetup arranged by Lee Junho Op-pa?” Try as he might, he couldn’t keep from popping the last syllable. He still hadn’t forgotten “Oppa’s” attempts to set Heedo up with his younger brother. Or that she called him Oppa all the time, but had never used the term for him even once.
Heedo shook her head, thankfully oblivious to his non-existent jealousy. “No. Nothing fun like that. Just some last-minute work thing.”
“Well, that’s good.” He guessed.
Heedo scrunched her nose. “Not really. I’m sure it will be super boring, but Junho Oppa and I need to show up to represent fencing at some event.”
“What about some other time this week then? Or next Sunday?”
“Are you sure you even have time to meet then?”
Yijin tugged at his hair, running his fingers through it. “I don’t know yet.”
“How about the Saturday after?” he pressed, not willing to spend more time apart from her than absolutely necessary.
“We’ll see if you are free then.”
Yijin deflated. Heedo was clearly not going to waver. “OK,” he said, trying not to sound too glum.
“See you later,” Heedo said, waving both hands then making her way to the entry gate.
He waited till she disappeared from sight before beginning the walk home. Shoving his hands into his pockets, he made his way back to Seo Junghyuk’s apartment, bracing himself for the inevitable teasing that awaited him.
“I really need to get my own place,” he grumbled, not for the first time.