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Chapter Text

I found a love for me

Oh, darling, just dive right in and follow my lead

Well, I found a girl, beautiful and sweet

Oh, I never knew you were the someone waiting for me

On the sixth of April, in the year 2012—precisely two days before her sixteenth birthday—Penelope Featherington fell in love.

It was, in a word, thrilling. The world shook. Her heart leaped. The moment was breathtaking. And, she was able to tell herself with some satisfaction, the man in question—one Colin Bridgerton—felt precisely the same way.

Oh, not the love part. He certainly didn't fall in love with her in 2012 (and not in 2013, 2014, 2015, or—oh, blast, not in all the years 2016-2021, either). But his earth shook, his heart leaped, and Penelope knew without a shadow of a doubt that his breath was taken away as well. For a good ten seconds.

Falling head first into a pool tended to do that to a man.

It happened thus:

A year before, she had shifted to London and had become Eloise Bridgerton’s classmate, chemistry project partner and then BFF. And so in the summer of 2012, she found herself in Aubrey Hall, the Bridgerton family’s summer home. 

Now, Penelope knew by that time all about Eloise’s family. She had met Anthony, Benedict, Daphne, had heard about Francessa who was studying in France, and the twins Gregory and Hyacinth. But there was one more elusive brother that she hadn't met (Mainly because he had taken a gap year in between attending college, much to Mrs. Bridgertons chagrin and hence was constantly on the move around the world). So when Eloise invited her to spend two weeks in their beach house in Aubrey hall, she had quickly decided to accept the invitation. What could go wrong? She thought. Bridgertons were nice, welcoming, friendly people.

The day she fell in love with Colin, she was lazing around on a beach recliner, trying to catch a good tan, with Eloise by her side. Eloise was reading a book on Wild cats, whereas Penelope was engrossed in a Jane Austen novel. Suddenly, Eloise’s stomach rumbled and she asked Penelope whether they should go inside for a quick bite. Feeling hungry herself, she quickly got up from the recliner and fetched her cover up scarf.

Then, in one of those inexplicable quirks of fate, the wind picked up quite suddenly and her scarf (which she wasn’t clutching properly, she mused later) flew straight into the air and, splat! right onto the face of one of the Bridgerton boys.

Penelope gasped, and then the bloke fell headfirst into the pool behind him, grappling most inelegantly to take off the damned scarf off his head.

She rushed forward, without thinking, squealing something that was meant to sound like an apology, but that she suspected came out as nothing more than a strangled shriek. He would, of course, be furious with her, since she'd effectively knocked him off his feet and into the water—his ears must be full of water, making his hearing muffled. But when he finally rose to the surface and swam towards the edge of the pool, wiping off water from his face and handing out her scarf to her, he didn't lash out at her. He didn't give her a stinging set-down, he didn't yell, he didn't even glare.

He laughed.

He laughed.

Penelope hadn't much experience with the laughter of boys, certainly not of college-age boys. But this one's eyes—a rather intense shade of green—were filled with mirth as he swept his medium long dark hair back from his forehead, "Well, that wasn't very well done of me, was it?"

And in that moment, while she was crouching awkwardly in front of him in just her bathing suit, Penelope fell in love.

The first time Colin pretended to be Penelope's date, she was 17, and he was 20. She was so excited to attend the Spring dance. Something Colin had found ridiculous. He always thought Pen had more sense than that. More than his sister, and Eloise was by far the smartest Bridgerton woman according to him. And yet Pen was going all out for this dance, buying dresses and accessories, visiting a salon to polish her already lovely complexion and add highlights to her already lovely hair. This was something which troubled Colin. Soon enough, he found out the reason.

“Isn't Pen too excited to attend this stupid ball?” He asked Eloise, and she chuckled.

“Yeah well, she has been asked for a school dance for the first time, dumbass!” Eloise said cheekily and Colin felt his heart drop. Why… Why did he feel so disappointed at this piece of information? Had he developed a crush on his baby sister’s underage best friend? No way!! This was too risky.

“Oh.. And who’s the guy?” he still couldn't stop himself from asking. 

“It's Mike Peterson from her Social studies class.” Informed Eloise.

Colin had never felt jealousy before, certainly not towards a faceless boy who was 3 years his junior. But that day onwards he always saw the colour green, whenever he heard the name ‘Mike’.

Well, luckily (or unluckily for Pen), Mike stood her up on the day of the dance, leaving her all decked up and ready for dance, But without a date. Colin was the first-hand spectator of her ordeal as he was the designated driver for Eloise, Theo, Penelope and that dumbass ‘Mike’. And when Penelope started pulling out the pins that held her elegant hairdo rather furiously, he held her wrist, shocking her into inaction.

“I’ll go with you.” He said calmly.

“You would? Really?” she said disbelievingly, “Its a stupid school dance!”

“But it matters to you, doesn't it?” he said quietly.

“But you.. You think its stupid…” She said in a small voice. Colin looked at Eloise. It seemed the two best friends didn't have any filter. Eloise had conveyed all his feelings about attending such events to Penelope. Well, Eloise didnt know that the reason he thought it was stupid was because he wasnt the one taking Penelope to that dance.

“It doesn't matter, Pen! Mike, or not, you still want to attend the ball, right?” He asked and held his breath in anticipation. There was a probability that she was interested in Mike, not the actual dance. Well, then, Colin would be thoroughly fucked. 

But he saw her lips curl up in a sweet smile, “Yes, I want to go to this dance.”

“Then it's settled. I’ll be your date, if you’ll have me.” He offered her his hand and she placed hers into his gingerly.

“How chivalrous of you!” Eloise commented when they were getting into the car. Colin just hoped his little sister didn't notice the elation on his face. 

The spring ball, true to its name was held in a garden, with fairy lights adorning all the surrounding trees, and victorian era lamp posts had casted a yellowish orange glow on the surrounding.

They had such a blast in the ball. Even though Colin was a good dancer, he always felt it to be a tiresome activity, a mere obligation. But that night, he never left the dance floor (or a small section of lawn that was designated as the dance floor), choosing to be in close proximity to a certain redhead.

And when she complained about her 6 inch heels chafing her feet, he suggested she kick them off and dance anyway. 

“Take off my heels and what? Look like a 10 year old in front of you?” She asked sarcastically, addressing the ridiculous height difference between them. Colin laughed heartily. 

“It's not that bad you know. You’re 5’1 and I’m 6. It's only 11 inches really.” He said with a smug smile.

“Well, your shoes add another inch or two in the equation.” She complained and then to her horror, he was untying the laces of his tan shoes. “What are you doing?” She said as he removed his socks, rolled them up and stuffed them inside his shoes neatly. 

“Walking barefoot on the grass is beneficial to health. I suppose that applies to dancing too.” He said, then raised his eyebrow in a challenge, and gestured to her to follow his lead.

“Oh, well… people might think we’re crazy. But here we go!” She kicked off her heels with an excited laugh. And then as the band started playing a slow song, he pulled her in his arms, swaying slightly to the soft music. 

They danced like that for the remainder of the night.

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark with you between my arms

Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favourite song

When you said you looked a mess, I whispered underneath my breath

But you heard it, darling, you look perfect tonight!

“You two look good together.” Eloise said after they dropped both Penelope and Theo to their respective homes.

“You think?” Colin said sarcastically, masking his face carefully so Eloise couldn't notice how glad he was to hear those words. He couldn't let her sister know that he was lusting after her best friend. But Eloise had years of practice to see through his different facades.

“Yes I do think so. You know what else I think?” She said with an edge in her tone. “I think that you like her a bit too much for it to be mere friendship.”

“Don't be silly!” Colin laughed it off but Eloise pulled a serious face.

“Look, Colin! Pen is my best friend and if you break her heart, then I’ll break your jaw.”

Colin chuckled at that, then just for a moment let his gaze drift from the road to his sister’s face, before focusing on the road ahead. Eloise was entirely serious!

“Even if I'm interested in her that way, which I’m not,” He assured her quickly, “Why would you assume that I’ll break her heart.”

“Because she’s sensitive! And she has plans for her future… plans that involve going to university, studying, building her career. That's her dream. And that dream does not align with your dreams. So when you leave for the beaches of Seychelles again, I don't want to sit around a moping Pen and pick up the pieces of her broken heart!”

“What do you think my dreams are, Eloise? Don't pretend that you know what I want from my life!” He said heatedly.

“I wouldn’t dare. You know why? Because I think even you don't know what you want in your life!”

Eloise’s words, though irked him, were true. Pen really was very focused and determined. She worked towards realising her dreams, her goals from a very young age. And here he was. Thinking of dropping out of university, travelling around the world. With no goal, no aim in sight. 

Colin really thought about it that night. About who he really was, apart from being a trust fund baby. Anthony, just like their father, had proven himself to be a really successful Estate Agent, handling their father’s Estate agency and expanding it even further with his capabilities. Benedict was a successful visual artist, one of the best in the UK, a visionary at the forefront of the NFT art scene. Even his younger siblings- Daphne (who aspired to be an Interior Designer), Eloise (who was interested in political science), Fransecca (Who wanted to become a Pianist), even Hyacinth and Gregory too- had dream and goals (which might change as the twins were just 10). But not him. He didn't know what he wanted to do with his life, except, he couldn't sit still. There was some restless energy inside him that made him travel all around the world. London’s overcast sky was not enough for him. He wanted to expand his horizons. Experience different parts of the world. Learn about new cultures. Eat different kinds of foods. But that wasn't a Vocation. That was just a luxury his trust fund provided him.  

“So what if you can't decide right now?” Pen said when he shared this with her one day. “Colin, you’re young. You are allowed to have some time to figure it out. People change careers when they’re 40. Don't fret over it.”

“But they at least have a career already! One they weren't happy with, but a career nonetheless! What do I have? No goal, no aim!” Colin pulled at his hair in frustration. 

“I think you should travel more.” Pen said calmly.

“More? Meaning I don't travel enough?” He chuckled at her. “My mother keeps complaining she doesn't see me enough as it is.”

“Right now, you’re travelling for fun. But think about it. All the photos and videos you keep sending me from your travels, all those snippets of information you narrate in your videos, they make me feel I am travelling with you. Why haven't you ever considered putting it in a vlog on social media?” 

Colin looked at her in wonder. “Surely, you’re just joking. All my videos are amateur and silly and full of pun and… and shot on an Iphone.”

“Which makes them incredibly fun!” Pen exclaimed.

“But.. that isn't a career, Pen!” 

“Oh, you’d be surprised. Some Travel vloggers make more money than Estate agents.” She said in a conspiratory tone and he laughed heartily.

“Dont tell that to Anthony…”

“Never!”

Well, I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know

She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I'll share her home

I found a love, to carry more than just my secrets

To carry love, to carry children of our own

And for the first time, when he left for his next trip, he was ridden with less guilt about taking a year off his college and was more excited at the prospect of what opportunities his travel could bring to him. Thanks to Penelope, he at least had a direction in his mind which could lead him to monetize his passion for travel, and might actually turn into a career opportunity. The only downside of this plan was seeing less of Penelope. 

Well, only for a few months, he thought. Their time was yet to come. She was going to turn 18 soon. And he was determined to make something out of his life, so that he would feel worthy of her. He would tell her about his feelings then. Feelings that had been promoted from ‘crush’ to ‘love’ within a year. And he was positive that she at least had a crush on him. He could work with that. He could make her fall in love, get married and…

Stop daydreaming, Colin! He chided himself, time to work!

TBC

Chapter Text

Colin was so grateful to Penelope for her advice. He would have never thought of starting his own travelogue channel on Youtube otherwise. He had been called a charmer multiple times, whenever he attended one of his mother’s charity balls in the London social scene, but never before he thought that as a compliment. Instead, it used to feel like an insult- making him feel like he only had charms and no brain to pursue any actual vocation. Now his usual amiable manners, and good humour were proving to be useful and he was starting to believe they actually seemed attractive to people. 

But, in the 5th month of his travel itself, Colin had realised that he missed London. He missed home. He missed his mother, Benedict, Eloise, Daphne, Francessa and the twins. Hell, he even missed Anthony and his speeches about his ‘duties’ as the head of the house. But the one he missed most ardently- was Penelope!

And so, this time when he had come home in summer, to Aubrey hall, he was prepared to declare his intentions towards her. He knew she would be there, it had become their tradition for the last 2 years. And he was sure, this time, judging from the frequency of their video calls and chats, that what she felt for him had moved from ‘crush’ to somewhere up. He just had to find out whether it had reached ‘Love’ or not.

And what a good opportunity it would be, as her birthday would fall in the same week. 

Penelope was delighted to see Colin’s boyish smile once again. Almost after some odd 8 months. She missed him dearly, and she knew she longed to talk to him, to be close to him. To just look at him. But as she thought about his recent trip to Burgas, she remembered his Bulgarian travel guide- ‘Marina’, was it? - and she realised, maybe that was all she was supposed to do- look at him from afar, while he spent his days abroad, side by side with exotically beautiful girls like Marina. 

She was also acutely aware of how different their personalities were. Colin was a globetrotter- a free spirit. What he seeked was a wildflower. How boring would his life be if he was tied to an English rose like her? Penelope wouldn’t know a single thing about where to find the perfect shopska salad, Marina would know. 

So, despite her initial excitement to see him after so many months, she decided to mask her emotions and stay neutral with him. Friendly, but not over friendly. She could do that. After all, she didn't want to scare him away on another trip after confessing her growing feelings for him. 

Colin was confused by her hot-and-cold attitude. It wasn't the case that she was unfriendly. She still heard stories of his adventures abroad with same enthusiasm, despite of reading his blogs and watching his videos, still was concerned about his well being, still laughed at his jokes… as long as they were not the only people in the room. But she almost completely avoided him whenever he seeked her to talk in private, why? He didn't know. It was like she was afraid he was going to pounce on her. This was completely in contrast of the penelope he knew from before. They used to spend a lot of time, only the two of them, together before, without being awkward. Now, it felt like she used Eloise or Hyacinth as a crutch to wiggle out of a private conversation with him. And on the day of her birthday, when he tried to feed her the cake, she had smiled politely and took the piece from his hand and ate it herself. Everyone else fed her the cake and she didn't bat an eyelid, but when he tried to do that… Huh… Was he being so obvious in his affections towards her? Was that making her awkward? Was that the reason she avoided him now? Did she not like him enough?

He was pacing in front of the pool, already frustrated by the plethora of questions that were going round and round in his mind, when his elder siblings approached him.

“Well, well! Here’s our dashin’ baby brother…” Benedict called out and Anthony chuckled. 

“I thought after spending 8 months apart from us, you’d be more willing to spare some time for your brothers.” said Anthony, clapping on Collin’s back, “But, perhaps you’re just missing someone?”

“No, who would I miss? Everyone I care for is right here under this roof!” Colin exclaimed and Benedict and Anthony exchanged a meaningful look.

“That's very reassuring to hear,” Anthony said still looking at Benedict, then slowly dragged his gaze towards Colin and said, “I was half expecting you to shift to Bulgaria by next year.” 

Colin frowned at that. Why would they assume that! “I don't understand!” He said looking suspiciously between his brothers.

“Well, what's the deal with this ‘Marina’ girl?” It was benedict who spoke up.

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?” Anthony frowned. “It doesn't seem like 'nothing', judging by how she keeps frequently appearing in your videos.” and benedict quickly added, “Or the looks she keeps giving you in your videos.”

Colin sighed. He loved his siblings, but each and everyone was so meddlesome that it got on his nerves some days. Today was one such day. “Well, it's nothing from my side then, I don't know about her.”

Anthony glanced at Benedict and they both smiled in relief. “Okay, so our next line of thought was obviously -” They both whispered together, “Penelope!” 

Colin was instantly alert at that. “What are you talking about? What about penelope?”

“Come one, brother! We all have noticed how your face instantly perks up whenever she enters the room.” said Anthony with a teasing smile.

Was he that transparent, that he couldn't hide his feelings from anyone? It was crystal clear then, why Penelope was avoiding him. She didn't like him that way, but she was too polite to confront him about the unwanted attention he was bestowing on her. So she thought it would be best if she avoided getting alone with him. He felt like a prick for making her uncomfortable. Darn! He had to do some damage control before she completely abandoned him, even as a friend. 

“Listen, I don't know from where you get these ideas in your mind, or what kick you get from harassing me about my love life, but let me make this clear. I am not dating Marina and…” He paused to let out a shaky breath, “And I’m certainly not dating Penelope!”

A dull thud made all of them whip their heads at the source of the sound. Penelope was standing by the door that opened in the patio in front of the pool. She was looking extremely put out and Colin could guess why.

“Pen- I am sorry, I just…” He started saying, but she cut him off mid sentence.

“Why are you sorry?” 

Colin looked at her in surprise. “Well, I didn't mean it as an insult and you're clearly upset…” He began speaking but was cut off by her laughter. 

“Ohh… I’m sorry.. I’m just… Its so hilarious!” She said while clutching her side, as if she was genuinely amused by the whole concept. Colin looked at his brothers for guidance, but they were both looking so uncomfortable, like they wanted to be anywhere but here. “Pen, are you alright?” He asked in concern and she just nodded vigorously. 

Once Penelope’s laughter subsided, she spoke, “ Oh, Colin! Why would it upset me?” She asked him, then suddenly switched tracks and looked at Benedict, “ Ben, I’m not going to date you!” 

“Excuse me?” Benedict frowned in confusion.

“And Anthony!” Anthony flinched at her addressing him, “I am certainly not dating you!”

Anthony sighed, “Of course.” He simply said. Then she again turned to face Colin, who was looking at her incredulously, and said, “See, Nobody’s dating anybody, and yet no one is upset! Did I upset you boys?” she asked the other brothers.

“Nope” 

“Not at all!”

They said in unison. 

“Okay, So now that’s clear, just move aside for me, I’m going for a walk on the beach.” She said and made her way through them towards the beach.

“Penelope,” Colin called from behind her,”Its going to get dark soon. Let me accompany you…”

“I know my way around here, Colin. I can manage myself.” She said without turning back and exited from the house. Colin started walking towards her direction but was stopped by Anthony’s hand on his shoulder.

“Bad idea brother, give her a break.” He said solemnly.

“Its not safe, you know it. Its such a secluded beach.” Colin said, desperately wanting to follow her, but again, Anthony pressed his hand on his chest lightly.

“Allow me to accompany her.” He said seriously, then slowly, a smile appeared on his face, and he added with a wink, “I’m not going to steal your girl, I promise!” 

Which only earned him a deathly glare from Colin. But when he removed his hands from Colin’s chest, he stayed put. 

Penelope couldn't understand what was wrong with her. She knew in her heart that Colin was so different from her, that he would never choose her. But still it had hurt to hear it from his mouth. That soft, sensual mouth which had wiggled its way in almost every sweet dream of hers. She knew there was no hope for them, like ever… and yet, today, she felt like all her hopes about finding her one true love were crushed. 

Well, maybe then, she hadn't really stopped hoping that one day Colin would see her in a different way. Not since he danced with her in the Spring Dance, all night, barefoot, giggling like fools. She had never accepted any date from anyone after that night. Her first date with Colin. Sure, he was just acting as a standby, and it was all platonic. But she couldn't forget the way he held her so close to his body that night, or the way his eyes were focused on her, the way he had muttered under his breath that she looked beautiful, not really expecting her to hear. But she had heard it anyway. And hoped that one day, Colin Bridgerton would fall- really fall(and not just in a swimming pool) - in love with her. But that wasn't supposed to be.

Because he was certainly not dating Penelope!

She flinched as she replayed his words in her mind. Maybe, it was time to let this dream go. To let Colin go…

“Pen…” Anthony called out softly from behind her, and she quickly wiped her tears.

“Anthony! You really shouldn’t have bothered…” She started saying with a small smile, but Anthony cut her off, “Do you think he would have forgiven me if I didn't ensure your safety?” 

Pen shrugged and looked at her toes. Anthony sighed and patted her back awkwardly. “Hey kiddo, I know you’re hurt. But he didn't mean to hurt you.”

“I’m not hurt.” She said defensively.

“And I’m the Viscount.” He exhaled noisily looking at her sulky face, then assumed calm demeanour, “Look, I know Colin can be a bit dense sometimes but he definitely cares about you. And he would hate it if he looses you because of a misunderstanding. He definitely didn't mean it the way it must have sounded to you. It might very well be our fault, we were trying to get a rise out of him. And he lashed out. Thats all.”

“But is that all, really?” Penelope whispered hopelessly, and Anthony wondered how deep this thing was between her and his brother?

“Pen, if you don't mind me asking,” He started hesitantly, “Do you have feelings for my brother?”

Penelope looked at him in alarm. She quickly rearranged her features to hold neutral expressions and said, “No, not at all.” 

But Anthony had seen through her denial. He just hoped his brother could see it too, and save himself from heartbreak.

The second time Colin pretended to be Penelope's date, she was 21, and he was 24. She had just graduated from Uni with a Bachelors degree in Mass Media, and Colin had just returned from his extended stay in Singapore. 

It was a chance meeting, neither Colin nor Penelope had planned on meeting in that upscale pub at Piccadilly Circus. But here they were, oblivious to each other’s presence. Well until Colin spotted her sitting on a bar stool, alone, sipping beer.

“It’s such a sour sight, a beautiful girl drinking alone in a place like this…” He said in a soft whisper, startling her. 

“Colin! What a surprise!” She jumped on her feet and gave him a quick hug, one which he returned equally enthusiastically.

“Hello!” he grinned goofily. 

“I didn't know you were back in London.” She said, her shock on seeing him face to face was still not fully abated.

“Well, you don't talk to me anymore.” He accused her, and she actually looked a bit ashamed about the fact. 

“Uhh… I’m sorry. Life gets in the way. Plus college was hell. But hey… I graduated last week!” She said excitedly, and this time Colin pulled her in a hug.

“Congratulations, Pen. you did well!” He said in genuine admiration. They stayed in that embrace for longer than appropriate for any congratulatory hug. None of them wanted to pull back. But then reluctantly, Penelope pulled back. “Well, now your college is out of the way, can we celebrate with a drink?” He asked hopefully. 

Penelope hesitated. “Ahh.. sure.. But tonight I’m...”

“Colin Bridgerton!” A voice boomed from behind her, “What a surprise!”

Penelope watched Colin’s expression turn sour from pleasant, before again he masked them into a charming smile, and she turned to face the lady standing behind her. It was Marina- the wildflower. And penelope was sure Colin wasn't pleased to see her. Why wasn't he pleased to see her? He seemed to like her before.

“Hello, Marina.” He said assuming a cheerful tone, and Marina, instead of replying with words, chose to sidestep Penelope without acknowledging her, and pulled him in bone crushing hug. Penelope let out a startled laugh, as her eyebrows shot up in her hair, and Colin just rolled his eyes at her.

“Ah.. its so nice to see you pretty boy!” She said with a thick bulgarian accent, before finally breaking apart. Penelope had to suppress a smile when she noticed Colin let out a breath that he was holding in. 

“Same here, Marina.” He said warily. Marina was still eyeing him like he was a prized stud, and still kept ignoring the presence of Penelope like she didn't matter. Which frankly hurt her more that it should have. But then Colin was placing his hand on Penelope’s wrist and pulling her to his side. His hand swung on her shoulder before she knew it and then he said something that totally shocked her.

“Meet my girlfriend, Penelope.” 

Her eyes shot up to his face, just as Marina’s eyes were whipped to her face, acknowledging her presence for the first time. Colin felt her gaze on his face and looked at her imploringly, ‘come on Pen, just play along…’ . she was amazed to realise that after all these years, they could still communicate with just their eyes. It was their thing, wasn’t it?

“Hi Penelope…”, Pen reluctantly dragged her eyes away from his face to look at Marina.

“Hello!” She said pleasantly and she didn't even have to fake it. The fact that his hand was wrapped around her and her side was pressed against him was pumping her body with Oxytocin.

“So… I was hoping to catch up with you…” Marina trailed off, looking between the pair, and Colin simply shrugged.

“I’d love to catch up. But its a date night, you know…” He too deliberately trailed off, and nestled his head above Penelope’s. What has gotten into you .. Penelope thought, suppressing a smile. But she held up her tongue wisely.

“Oh.. alright.. Umm.. I’ll le you two have fun.” Marina bid her farewell and walked towards the other end of the pub, where all the dancing was happening, and Penelope separated herself from his embrace.

“What was all that about?” She narrowed her eyes at him.

“Ahh.. don't ask… she’s been pursuing me since Bulgaria. So many messages, emails…” He said with an eye roll.

“But…I… I thought you liked her?” Penelope asked in genuine confusion.

“No, never. I mean she’s fun and full of life, and I genuinely liked her enthusiasm about exploring new places. But thats about it. I frankly just thought of her as a friend. But then people started commenting on my blogs and youtube videos about how cute we look and speculating that we were together. And that got to her head. I just didn't want her to give any false hopes so I kept my distance. In fact, I’ve seen her after two years today.”

Oh. What a grave mistake.. Penelope thought. She looked at Marina again, who was stealing glances at them from across the pub. Penelope had distanced herself from him thinking that he was with Marina. And here he was, avoiding her completely. But then why…

“Why aren't you dating anyone Colin?” she finally voiced her thoughts.

“Who said I’m not dating? Here I am, on a date, with my favourite girl…” He said playfully, and she chuckled. “Colin, seriously… don't joke around.”

“Hey, you think this is a joke!” Colin assumed a look of affrontation.

“Well… pretending to be on a date is not what I had in mind.” She said with a soft smile, “What I meant was, why don't you date someone seriously?”

“You think I’m not serious enough?” Colin pouted.

“Argh.. Colin! Stop twisting my words…” Penelope said impatiently, “when I say dating, it means romantic dates.. Not .. not these … platonic ones…”

Colin looked in her eyes for a long time, then slowly his gaze dropped to her lips. And when he bent down to press those soft lips that had invaded her dreams on hers, all she could do was close her eyes and sigh. 

Cause we were just kids when we fell in love

Not knowing what it was

I will not give you up this time

But darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own

And in your eyes, you're holding mine

 

It was a tentative kiss, a featherlight touch of his lips on her, like he wasn't sure how it would be received. And when he pulled back to look at her face, he found her eyes were still closed.

“Pen…” he whispered.

“Yes.” she breathed out equally softly.

“Is this romantic enough for you?” He said and she opened her eyes to look at him. There was so much uncertainty in his eyes. 

But Penelope was in no condition to form a reply. All her eloquent words and her smart mouth had abandoned her the moment his lips touched hers. And only one thought was wreaking havoc on her mind. 

Holy moly! Colin Bridgerton had kissed her!

Was she on a different plane of existence? Is this some kind of parallel timeline where Colin was in love with her? Could it be… was it possible?

She chuckled at the absurdity of the thoughts. 

"What's so funny?" Colin said with a frown. He looked so vulnerable, and she cursed her absent-mindedness. "Was it that bad?"

"No … no, it was good. Really… really good." She rushed to add, " It was pretty romantic." she mumbled shyly. 

Colin let out a breathy laugh at that, it appeared like he was holding his breath for her reply. But as the haze that was caused by Colin's sweet kiss started dissipating, a thought appeared in her mind. A thought that dragged her down from her cloud nine and knocked her down to ground zero.

She couldn't kiss Colin. It wasn't right not when she didn't belong to him. Not when she was here on a date, on a real date. Not with Colin.

And as if her thoughts made the man take a corporeal form, there he was, sliding on a bar stool beside hers, putting his arms around her midriff and pressing a light kiss on her temple, before ordering his usual drink at the bar. Her boyfriend of 5 months, Andrew.

And as she sneaked a glance at Colin and watched him turn his face away from them, her heart was filled with only one regret - she should have told him sooner.

Chapter Text

"Babe, hey… Penelope!" Andrew's voice shook her from her reverie.

"Uh… oh.. yes?" Penelope reluctantly dragged her attention from Colin, who had sauntered inconspicuously to the other end of the bar, and looked at her boyfriend.

“Is everything alright? You seem a little lost tonight.” Andrew said, narrowing his eyes.

“No. Nothing. I’m just tired, that's all!” She shrugged, before she sneaked a glance at Colin. He looked like he had swallowed a bitter pill. He had turned away from them, but his eyes seemed to drift to them every now and then. Andrew followed her gaze and scowled in displeasure.

“Oh. I see.” Andrew watched her face carefully, then after taking a big gulp of his drink, he added “Aren't you going to introduce us?” 

“Hmm.. What?” Penelope was jolted from her thoughts, and frowned at him.

“Well, you know, the Bridgerton boy… Your eyes seemed to be glued to him tonight.” Andrew said with a sneer, “Aren't you guys chummy with each other?”

“What are you talking about?” Penelope wasn't pleased with his insinuations, even if they weren't totally baseless. She did have her eyes glued to Colin tonight and she was chummy with Colin once, didn't she? 

“Penelope, I’m not a fool. I know…”, He said in a low but furious voice, “I have always known that you had a thing for him. You always have that smile when you talk about him. Even though you weren't in touch with him recently, I’ve noticed how you keep asking Eloise about how he’s doing. Covertly, I’ll give you that! But yet, you always want to stay in touch with him. And then tonight, when I walked in the pub, you two were so close… I felt like I interrupted something. And yet, when I walk here, you two behave like you dont know each other?” He asked incredulously, “Penelope, do not lie to me, did I interrupt something?”

She felt horrible at that. Like she was a two timing bitch on the dating reality TV show and stringing along two men at once. This was not who she was. How did her life turn into a Reality show? Yes, of course… Colin’s kiss, that magnificent, extraordinary, mind-numbing kiss that threatened to melt her insides even as she thought about it... 

“Penelope, just tell me… Is there something going on with you two?” Andrew asked when she didn't show any sign of speaking up.

“Colin kissed me.” She blurted out without thinking. 

Andrew’s face was red with humiliation. He clenched and unclenched his fists and for a moment she worried he was gonna take a swing at Colin. If he did that, Colin didn't stand a chance. While Colin was fit, Andrew was a rugby player, so naturally he was bulked up and a lot more aggressive than Colin.

But all Andrew did was to take a few calming breaths, grab his jacket and walk out of the pub. Panicking over his lack of reaction, Penelope rushed to follow him. As she stepped outside the pub, she ran behind him as fast as her heels could allow.

“Andrew, wait! It is not what you think it is!” She said once she managed to catch up with him. 

“Then what is it?” Andrew roared as he abruptly turned to face her, making her flinch slightly. She grew wary of the glances they were receiving from the passersby. But Andrew wasn't bothered by that at all as he continued speaking heatedly, “You just told me you two kissed and now you say it is not what I think it is? What do you think I'm thinking about all this, Penelope?” he continued when she didn't reply and hung her head in shame, “I think you are still in love with him. I think you will never stop loving him. I think no matter what I say or do will ever be enough for you to forget him and fall for me the way you have fallen for him. Do you still want to deny this?”

Fuck! Every word that was coming out of Andrew’s mouth hit home. It was true. She had fallen for him when they were just kids. It had taken time for her to understand the true extent of her feelings for him, and once, when she was 17 or 18, she had thought that this passing fancy, a crush on her best friend’s older brother, was just that, a passing fancy. But that never happened. Even if he was mostly out of country, and they didn't talk as much in recent years, she always found some way or the other to keep tabs on him, through his vlogs, through Elloise, through all the Bridgertons, who treated her like she was a part of their family. He had sneaked into her dreams first, then daydreams too. And yet, there was no indication from Colin himself that he wanted something more from her. He cared for her deeply, she was certain about it. But he never wanted her that way, or so she thought, till today. But he had such bad timing. Had this happened 5 months ago, she would have gladly reciprocated it, without having to carry an ounce of guilt. But that wasn't the case. The universe hated her, it seemed, because here she was, staring at Andrew’s navy sneakers guiltily. Waiting for his judgement, not knowing how to refute his words. Because they were true!

“Your silence speaks louder than any words could have. Thank you!” He spat with so much ire, that Penelope thought it could burn holes in her skin. She tried to reach for his arm once again and he took a few steps back from her. “No way honey!” He said in a warning tone.

“Andrew please, don’t. You know I’m not the cheating type. I didn't know he felt that way about me!”

 “Hah! You know what Penelope, I pity you. Because you clearly think he’s in love with you. He’s lonely, just returned from abroad, and needs a distraction.” Penelope tensed after she realised what he was implying, “He’s a Bridgerton, for god’s sake! A fucking aristocrat! And who are you, by the way?” He chuckled mockingly at her, “That's right, Working class! You and I, Penelope, had to work hard to get our degrees, and our struggle has not finished yet. And what did your Bridgerton boy do all this time, apart from earning thousands of air miles and probably joining the mile high club?”

Andrew was being deliberately malicious. That's it. Penelope thought. But there was a ring of truth to some of the things he said. Colin had a privileged life. He couldn't possibly understand how she had to pave her path in this competitive world. Of course, he had his own struggles. But there were some perks of being a Bridgerton, his lineage, his wealth, his family’s unending love and support. What did she really have? She thought about her own struggle through graduation, the financial ones, her mother’s complete disregard towards her achievements and constantly pushing her to become a version of her older sisters (Both married to somewhat well-off but totally uninteresting men). She suspected even her older sisters, Phillipa and prudence didn't like her that much. Partly, she suspected because she was going to have an actual career in London when they had to be stay-at-home moms in the much sedate suburbs. There was only one member of her family who showed her love, support and respect - Felicity, her younger sister. So if her own family couldn't love her, even like her for that matter, how could she fool herself into thinking that Colin Bridgerton had miraculously fallen for her overnight? That too after all this time?

She still couldn't help but be mad at him a little bit for Colin’s sake.

“He’s not like that! He’s …he’s… he would never do that to me… he’s not a womaniser!” she said indignantly and Andrew stared at her with disdain.

“Look at you… you're still defending him! Go back inside, and continue what you were doing with him earlier. But mark my words, penelope. He will leave once again, and he will break your heart.” tears were rolling from her eyes now. But Andrew took pleasure in seeing her like that, “Go on, enjoy your short fling with him, because it will be short. Oh, and by the way, don't come to me when he’s done with you. ” He said, smirking at her maliciously, “Good bye.”

And with that he turned and left, without even giving her a chance to explain herself. 

Penelope felt angry at herself. Andrew’s words shouldn't have affected her so much. She knew Colin since she was 16, didn't she? He wasn't a playboy, like Andrew insinuated. He would never kiss Penelope if he didnt feel anything for her. She shivered slightly, whether because of the coldness in her heart or because the coldness in the air, she didn't know.

“Pen?” Colin called out softly from behind her and she cursed her luck mentally. He was the last person she wanted to see tonight, after all the horrible things Andrew said. But here he was, sounding concerned about her wellbeing, and suddenly she felt anger rising from within her.

“What?” She spat as she turned around to face him. He looked a bit shocked at her reaction, and the logical part of her warned her that her anger was unjustified. But the events of the night were too much for her and that logical part was slowly receding to the back of her mind, letting her emotions get the better of her. “What do you want to say now? Are you going to offer me a shoulder to cry, now? Or are you offering something more? What do you want from me?”

“Pen, what's wrong?” He looked at her with such sad eyes it hurt her. Fuck, Colin, I dont want your pity! She thought desperately trying to wipe the tears away, but fresh tears kept rolling down her eyes. 

“Pen, talk to me, please!” Colin urged again and she gave up wiping her tears, letting her vision get blurred instead and letting the repressed sadness wash over her before she broke the news, “Andrew broke up with me!”

“Andrew broke up with me” Pen’s voice broke slightly as she said this, and Colin could feel her hurt.

They seemed to be okay when her boyfriend first walked into the pub. Colin had inconspicuously put some distance between himself and the couple the moment her boyfriend had wrapped his arms around her midriff. But he had failed to keep his eyes from wandering to their direction. Not long after that, he saw her boyfriend leave abruptly, and Pen had rushed after him, forgetting her jacket on the bar stool. Colin thought she would return to grab her jacket as soon as she felt the chill in the mid november air. But even after 15 minutes, when she didn't return, he strolled towards her seat and took her jacket in his hands. It smelled like Pen and he was overcome with such sadness. After all these years, he decided to brave himself and go after her. But apparently he was too late, just like Anthony had warned him time and time again. He decided he would apologise to her for the kiss and make peace with her. He didn't want any awkwardness to remain between them. Last time it happened, they didn't meet face to face for three years. Colin couldn't stand not having her in his life.  Even if it meant having to watch her glued to her boyfriend, that was okay with him. He just wanted to be a part of her life, and wanted her to be a part of his.  

And so he walked out of the pub and wandered around the premises, hoping to catch Penelope if she returned for the jacket. He was about to call her when he spotted those shiny red hair. He approached her with trepidation, fully expecting her to be upset with him, but what he didn't expect was anger. 

“I’m sorry Pen. I had no idea you had a boyfriend. If I had known…” he trailed.

The couple broke up! Now, Colin wasn't a saint, and he would be lying if he said he wasn't a tiny bit glad at the turn of events. But looking at how sad she looked made him sick to his stomach. One question arose in his mind: Why did her boyfriend choose this night to break up with her? Did her boyfriend see him kissing her? Was this about him, then? That justified her ire towards him.

“No you didn't know. Because you were not there, Colin. You were absent from my life for three years.” she said, stressing each and every word, and it stabbed his heart. “Didn't know, didn't care… right?”

“That's not true Pen and you know it!” Colin said earnestly, “Obviously I care for you… can't you see?”

“Care enough to show up once in a while and kiss me, huh? You think you can waltz in my life anytime you like and I'll be waiting for you? Or like my mom, you too thought no one might ask me out? Colin Bridgerton, you were flying around the world when I was working my ass off to get this degree. You weren’t there to support me through my blue days! You weren't there to understand how tough Uni was! You weren't there to bring me takeout when I couldn't go out to have food because I had an exam the next day. It was andrew!” Penelope had lost all vestiges of control now. She knew she would regret all that she was saying in the morning, but right now it felt good to vent out her anger.

Colin felt stricken, he never thought that nobody would ask her out. In fact, several times during these years, he had feared the opposite. That Pen would fall for a guy who’s ambitious and capable like her and he would be too late to win her over. He always sighed in relief after knowing that it hadn't happened yet. But now, maybe… He was too late… She obviously loved Andrew too much. Colin hated himself. “Pen..” 

Suddenly, she straightened herself and wiped her tear streaked face, “Tell me, why did you kiss me?”

“Pardon me?” Colin was startled by her sudden track change. He wasn't sure how to proceed. How he wished he could confess that he had been waiting to kiss her for years. Since the night of the spring ball, to be precise. And when he saw her tonight, after 3 long years, and she looked at him with so much softness in her gaze, he had fooled himself into thinking that she felt something for him too.

Of course he did not know then that she was already taken. And so much in love with her boyfriend. That's why she was so upset now. And heartbroken! Only because he couldn't control his impulsiveness. 

“Why - did - you - kiss - me?” She said punctuating each word, much to his consternation and he snapped, “I don't know, okay! I didn't know that you were dating someone and I thought… “ He sighed, “Look, I will apologise to him, I will tell him that I was the one who initiated it, and you didn't even reciprocate. Which is true anyway.” He muttered the last sentence under his breath. It had upset him so much to think that he forced that kiss on her, “I’ll say I was drunk and it was a mistake.”

“That's it?” Pen asked, her gaze on him razor sharp. “It was a mistake?”

 Colin felt as if this was a wrong answer, but he couldn’t confess the true extent of his feelings to her when she was heartbroken and pining for another man.

“Yes, it has to be.” He exhaled after a moment, “What else could it be? I think I fooled myself into thinking that dating my best friend is a good idea. I am sorry Pen. I truly am!” He said with genuine regret and watched as her face twisted with disgust. Oh, how he wanted to just take her in his arms and kiss those tear streaked eyes, and tell her over and over again, how much he loved her. It broke his heart to downplay his feelings for her. It was a shitty move. But what else could he do?   

So that's what it was for him. A drunk mistake. Penelope felt disgusted. She loved this man with her whole heart and never thought he would be capable of hurting her this way. In an instant he had turned the most magical kiss of her lifetime to a drunk mistake.

“Bye Colin.” she said and started turning away from him.

“Pen..” his hand on her arm stopped her in her tracks. “You’ll get cold.” he said as he tucked her in a jacket, her jacket, which she had forgotten inside the pub. She looked in his eyes, but he was avoiding her gaze, focusing on the zipping up the jacket instead. His face was full of regret, and sorrow. But there was something more… something she had seen in the mirror countless times, and yet had not quite managed to put it in words. She felt him step away once he ensured she was cocooned in her jacket, safe from the cold outside. Only then she felt how cold it felt inside her hollow heart.

“I’m sorry Pen, for everything…” He said and turned away, walking hastily in the opposite direction. 

Penelope stood there for a long time wondering whether they will be the same Pen and Colin after this night.

Apparently, they were the same Pen and Colin. Because even though there were many hurtful things said and done that night, both of them agreed that their friendship was too precious to be broken by it. They still weren't back to their previous easy rapport, and Penelope had avoided going to the summer house at Aubrey Hall for two consecutive years. But when Anthony got married to Kate in June 2019, Penelope showed up dressed in a sage green gown, which, much to his siblings’ amusement, made his eyes grow so wide, that Benedict commented at one point, “Stop it, brother. Or your eyes will fall down from your eye socket.”

 And after the bride and groom shared their first dance, when Colin approached Pen for a dance, she didn't shy away. 

That is how he found the woman of his dreams in his arms. 

“This feels good, doesn't it?” Pen said, peering at him from beneath her lashes.

Colin was so overwhelmed by her scent that he couldn't trust himself with words, so he just nodded enthusiastically.

“You’re awfully quiet today. What happened to the most charming and suave Bridgerton brother?” Penelope said in a lightly teasing tone and Colin chuckled.

“Well, Anthony’s too far gone right now to care about what you said, “He said looking at his brother showering all his attention on his new bride, “But… don't let Benedict know that I’m the most charming and suave brother!” He said and they both broke into laughter. 

And just like that, the imaginary glass wall that had been built between them two years ago crumbled, as they danced, and laughed and joked around.

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms

Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favourite song

When I saw you in that dress, looking so beautiful

I don't deserve this, darling, you look perfect tonight

It didn't go unnoticed by the Bridgerton brood though, and Colin faced the repercussions next week itself. Anthony and Kate were back from their short honeymoon vacay from Camargue (Destination suggested by Colin of course, as Kate loved horses), so Violet decided to host a celebratory breakfast at Aubrey Hall, followed by a game of Pall-Mall. 

Almost all of the Bridgertons were excited for it as they chatted constantly at the breakfast table. After a long time, Colin was actually in a mood to enjoy the festivities, (which he wouldn't attribute to the endless chat sessions with a certain redhead, if anyone asked.) And he didn't even realise when the banter between Benedict and Hyacinth turned into a teasing session. 

The matter was: Hyacinth, who turned out to be more insufferable than Eloise on her worst days, had believed herself to be the most articulate Bridgerton. Benedict obviously had to disagree, He went to ‘Eton’ for fuck’s sake!- He argued. And then they proceeded to resolve the matter as dumbly as they could, by solving a crossword puzzle, created by Marc Breman, nonetheless. 

And ofcourse they had to drag Colin in this mess.

“ A small enclosure in which sheep, pigs, or other farm animals are kept.” Benedict read the clue, “Huh! What could it be?” Benedict wondered aloud and Colin rolled his eyes, “Of course it's pen. Honestly Ben, you’re spoiling Eton’s reputation.”

“Ahh… ofcourse, it's Pen!” Benedict stressed the last word, sharing a meaningful glance at the other siblings. “Who else could it be, right?” and Hyacinth snickered at it, before adding, “let me ‘Pen’ this down.” as she wrote the word on the crossword.

Anthony wasn't far behind, as he asked Kate, “Darling, did you see my lucky ‘Pen’? I can't seem to find it, and I really need to file some paperwork today.”

“Which ‘Pen’ are we talking about?” Kate asked innocently, but the glance she threw at Colin told him she was in on it.

“Oh, the fair one with the red cap.” Anthony said and Colin almost choked on his tea.

He was about to tell them off, when Eloise entered the room, looking all excited.

“Hey.. hey… Daphne! Do you remember Philip Crane?” She was bursting with excitement as Daphne tried to jog her memory.

“Um… no?” said Daphne, frowning slightly.

“Really…? Remember the trip we took to Uncle Thompson's house in Boston when we were in school? No? Do you remember our weird cousin Marina at all?” Eloise asked desperately.

“Uhhh… yes. But what about it?” Daphne asked confusingly.

“Remember there was this guy? Marina’s neighbour Phillip? He was really cool and intelligent at that age also.” Eloise said and Daphne had to chuckle. All she remembered from that trip was how Eloise had taken a liking to the boy as he was the only one of her age who could engage Eloise in the topics of her interest, mainly academics, while Marina and Daphne had spent the summer painting their toenails and reading fashion magazines.

“I suppose, vaguely, I remember him. But what about him?” 

“I just got an email from him, he’s coming to London next week.” And then she squealed, literally squealed in delight. “I’m so excited to meet him after all these years!”

Colin was surprised to see his sister talking about a Man with so much excitement. And when his eyes met Benedicts, the same surprise was reflected on his face too.

“How did he contact you after so many years?” Anthony asked, his voice had a bit of an edge, as he slipped into the role of protective big brother. 

“Oh, we never lost touch actually. We used to write letters to each other, initially. When the novelty of that wore off, we switched to emails.”

“Ohh…. so he’s your ‘Pen’ friend!” Daphne said as she threw a meaningful glance at Colin, and everybody, except Colin and Eloise let out a peal of laughter at that.

Fed up of their antics, Colin was suddenly up on his feet and started walking out of the room, when Eliose called him out. 

“What's wrong with you? Why so grumpy?” she asked, none the wiser.

“Ask these fuckers!” he said and swiftly made his exit.

“Huh! What's up with him?” Eloise asked Daphne and she just shrugged. It was Benedict who helped her catch up with the events of the morning. 

“Didnt you overdo it, though?” Eloise asked cautiously. Over the years, she had accumulated enough guilt about discouraging Colin to go after Penelope. Especially in recent years when she could see first hand that both of them were pining after each other. If only she could lock them up in a cabin in the woods in the middle of nowhere… Which.. Wasn't a bad idea! Eloise thought.

“With, Colin? Never” Daphne said, “I’m sure he will take his revenge in Pall Mall.”

And true to Daphne’s words, Colin smashed every one of his siblings in Pall Mall that year.

Chapter Text

Colin was 27 and Penelope was 24, when they began fake-dating each other regularly.

Apparently, the reason for that was Penelope’s mother’s appalling matchmaking skills. Mrs. Featherington’s biggest fear was that Penelope would end up alone. She had a good reason to fear so too, as the average rate of Penelope’s dates was once in six months for the past year. And so she had threatened her daughter to go on a blind date once in a while to appease her mother. 

“And you agreed?” Colin asked incredulously.

“Well it was this or eHarmony.” Penelope said with a sheepish smile.

Colin sighed. He thanked the gods above silently. Though Violet Bridgerton was an equally meddlesome mother, thankfully she had not resorted to such forceful methods to make him or his siblings date. He smiled at the thought.

“Are you laughing at my situation?” Pen looked affronted and he assumed a neutral face.

“No! I totally understand your pain.” He said quickly, “But.. instead of going on these setup dates, why don't you go on real dates with someone you like?” Colin asked, and waited with bated breath.

She gave him a hard searching look, that made him think she was searching the answer to that question on his face. What did she see when she looked at him?- he wondered. He wanted her to look at him, and see a different Colin. A person whom she could fall in love with, for real. Was that possible? Was he asking too much?

Penelope sighed, “I don't know. I think about it too. That I should be more open to…” She gave him a look, “Possibilities… but I can't seem to move on from the past.” 

Past… Andrew… Colin thought with despair. The name left a bitter taste in his mouth. It had been his mistake that created a rift between her and her ex- boyfriend. Did she really love him that much? 

“You should at least try to find some happiness.” Colin said, desperately wishing that she would find that happiness with him. But then she sighed and thanked him and told him that she would definitely give the blind date a chance, making Colin scream in his head.

The blind date, much to Colin’s delight, went south rather quickly, as the guy turned out to be a massive creep. Penelope discreetly messaged Colin for help in getting out of the sticky situation, and Colin was too glad to crash the date. He pretended to be Penelope’s Jilted lover, made a show of accusing her of cheating him and literally dragged her out of the restaurant and away from the creep. 

They both laughed for a long time over his antics.

“I didn't know you were such a good actor!” Penelope exclaimed between her giggling and Colin’s heart lurched. If only she knew he was only partly acting.

It became their routine then. Almost all of her dates turned out to be giant gits in one way or another, and Colin was much too delighted in crashing them. And he really got creative in coming up with various reasons for it.

After 7th such crashed date, he gave voice to a question that had been bugging him for a few days, “I wonder why your mother chooses such cringeworthy guys for you… every single time…”

Penelope looked guilty for a moment, but then quickly masked her face with a smile, “Maybe she doesn't know what my heart really wants.”

Colin desperately wanted to know what her heart really wanted, he almost asked her, but held his tongue at last.

Things were going great between Penelope, or at least as great as they could go, Colin thought. She was again warm and caring and affectionate (in a friendly way, his mind supplied unnecessarily) with him and for some months he fooled himself into thinking that it was enough. Penelope as his friend was better than no Penelope at all.

But then he discovered Lady Whistledown, and all went to hell. 

It was a surprise discovery, one which stormed him and uprooted all his feelings. 

The way it had happened was almost comical, and it was partly- Felicity’s - Pen’s younger sister’s fault.

It happened during their annual summer house visit that Penelope had wiggled her way out of for far too many years now. But in the summer of 2021, she joined the bridgertons, along with her younger sister Felicity, who was invited by Hyacinth. Colin had to smile whenever he saw Felicity with his youngest sister. He couldn't decide which pair was more amusing, Eloise and Pen, or Hyacinth and Felicity. In terms of friendship and loyalty, both the pairs were exceptional, the younger girls were a lot more trouble in his opinion. It reminded him of a younger Eloise. He wondered what happened to her devilishly nosy nature. Maybe Pen’s calm demeanour had rubbed off on her or maybe she simply grew up.

But Hyacinth and Felicity! Oh, well… they didn't pass any chance to prank, troll and roast anyone during the summer. And when one night Colin had busted their plan of sneaking off to a party on the nearest island and getting drunk, he knew from their irritated looks that he would soon be their chosen target. He tried to suppress the dread that followed when he imagined how they would plot their revenge on him. But in no way he would allow his underage sister (and Pen’s sister too) to waste away and grind themselves on some stranger’s body!

Turned out the revenge was a sweet torture for him, as one day Felicity casually mentioned about Penelope’s blog when she wasnt in the room.

“Pen writes a blog?” Colin asked in surprise. He knew she was a journalist and had kept a diary for years, but to have a published blog? And why the hell did he have no idea about it till now?

“Well it's not a blog. More like a story. Fiction, you can say…” Hyacinth supplied.

“Still! She never mentioned it to me… like ever!” He said in confusion. He was a little bit hurt by the knowledge, “and I showed her every raw video file for my vlogs.”

“Well, duh… isn't that obvious? Many people find it uncomfortable to share that they write fanfiction.” Felicity said matter-of-factly. 

“Fanfiction?” dumbfounded, Colin asked.

“Yes, and that too RPF!” Said Hyacinth.

“RPF?” Colin blinked in confusion.

“Real person fiction.” Felicity supplied, “Also, she doesn't actually write under her real name. She has a pseud for that.”

“Psued?” Colin was out of his depth now.

“Kind of a Pseudonym, Colin!” Hyacinth rolled her eyes. “Really, you are behaving like a dunce now.”

Colin felt like a dunce by that point. Penelope was writing a fictional story about real people anonymously, and he had no knowledge about it! Why.. why hide it from him when he turned to her with all his content. Did she not trust him enough? 

“Why would she hide it from me?” Colin wondered aloud. If he wasn’t so focused on the mystery of Penelope’s secret identity, he wouldn’t have missed the cunning, almost sinister smile Hyacinth threw at Felicity. 

“Well,” Felicity started with a small grin, “It's maybe because she writes explicit smut, and feels shy sharing it with you. My sister is quite prude that way!”

“Smut?” Colin blinked again.

“Oh brother! Just google it! Don't make me explain it to you now.” Hyacinth groaned before shooting a meaningful look at her partner in crime. They had baited the fish and now Colin was hooked. 

“What am I supposed to search for, by the way?” He said taking out his cell phone from his pocket.

“Look up for Lady_Whistledown on AO3.” Hyacinth said excitedly and then they both stood up, “I think we’ll leave now. You’ll need some privacy when you read it.”

“Why?” Colin asked with a frown.

“Parts of the story are NSFW.” Said Hyacinth.

He didn't bother asking what is NSFW. 

Hyacinth was right, this material was definitely not safe for work. How was one supposed to stay calm after reading such vivid and descriptive details about all the activities a couple partook in the throes of passion.

“Ahh… Pen, what are you doing to me?” Colin groaned, as he finished yet another chapter of her Fanfiction. The story was set in the 1800's and was about a 28 year old spinster called Lucy and a 31 year old 3rd son of a Viscount called Nicolas. Both of them, being childhood friends, danced around their feelings far too long, almost for 6 chapters, but when they got together in the 7th chapter, it was spectacular! Even if the logistics was a bit impractical (How could someone manage to snog and then ravish someone in a bumpy carriage ride? - Colin wondered.), their emotions, the pent up frustration and the eventual passionate confessions were so well written. The characterization of Lucy and Nicolus was so well written that they didn't feel like characters in a story at all. They felt like.. Well, real people. 

RPF… Colin remembered. Hyacinth had said (or was it Felicity?) that her characters were based on real people. Colin wondered who they were. It wasn't difficult to guess who Lucy would be. With her calm, composed manner and sweet, kind nature, it was evident Penelope had written herself as a 28 year old spinster. But the real question was- who was Nicolus? The question bugged his mind constantly, and he discovered quickly that he was jealous of a faceless man.

Also, it stirred something in Colin that he had tried to suppress for a long time. Something primal. A desire to possess Penelope, to crawl under her skin, to unveil the mystery of what her heart wants and to make sure, by the time he was finished with her, all she wanted, needed, was him. He wanted to do all the wicked things that Nicolus did to Lucy, all of them and many more, and ensure that there’s no one, absolutely no one in the world that would ever possess her in that way.

He was so engrossed in the latest escapades of Nicolus and Lucy that he didn’t even realise the intruder entering his room. It was at the last moment that he felt someone hovering over his shoulders in order to get a good look at his tab. He quickly locked the screen and pressed the screen on his chest protectively, as if it was a sacred scroll only meant for his own eyes, before facing the intruder. It was Eloise.

A very scandalised Eloise!

“Are you reading Whistledown?” She said with a surprised, yet very amused smile.

“Uhmm..” Colin hesitated, wondering how he could escape from this tight spot. Fortunately, he didn't have to utter a word, as Eloise launched into rapid fire questions. Questions that were more informative for him than any info Hyacinth and Felicity had given him.

“How on earth did you find out about it? Pen is generally so tight- lipped about it. Did she show it to you? No, not possible! Two years! It's been two years she's been working on it and I've told her to publish it as an original novel but she doesn't pay any heed to my words!”

“She’s been writing this for two years?” Colin asked in surprise. This meant the mystery man behind Nicolus was there in her life for two years. His face fell.

It didn't escape from Eloise’s eyes. “Colin, how did you find out about this?” She asked gently.

“Felicity told me.” Colin said, exhaling loudly, “her and our little sister.”

“I swear! Those two girls together means trouble!” Eloise chuckled lightly and Colin joined her.

“You know, we used to say that about you and Pen.”

“I know!” Eloise said, her face held a fond smile and Colin knew she was thinking about those carefree summers before college. “Me, Pen and Theo.”

Colin’s eyes narrowed at the mention of her high school boyfriend. “Eloise, if you don't mind…” he started hesitantly, and Eloise shot back quickly, “Oh, since when do you mind whether I mind or not?”

“If you don't mind me asking…” Colin started again, more solemnly, “What happened with you and Theo?” 

Eloise groaned, then shuffled on her feet and Colin thought he had never seen her so uncomfortable about any topic. Trust Eloise to breeze through any uncomfortable (taboo, even) topic like a pro. Unless, if she was at fault about something and didnt want to admit her mistake. Then she avoided the topic in any condition. Was her breakup with Theo her fault?

“Was it your fault?” He asked when she didn't show any sign of speaking up.

“No!” She said quickly, then added as an afterthought, “maybe, in a way it was. Or maybe it wasn't anyone’s fault.” She said cryptically.

“I don't get it.”

Eloise sighed. “We had opposing ideologies.” She said after a while, “You know how I am. I’m never satisfied with how things are. Always have been like this. I’m restless to bring a change to the world. To make it better.” Colin smiled at that. Eloise had started her first social campaign at the age of 8, to help stray cats. Of course he knew her need to always bring a change to the world, to make it better. “ Theo said the same things. He wanted to change the way the world was run. He thought it was possible if we change the face of politics. Bring in young people in governing positions. For a while our ideas overlapped. Then during Uni, i found out he didn't want to go into politics to change the world, he wanted to go into politics to govern the world, no not govern… to control the world.” she exhaled sadly, before continuing, “I had believed our ideologies, our goals, our dreams match for years. And then realising that they didn't, was a shock to me. It broke my heart.”

Colin was surprised to see the pain on her face. After so many years, just talking about it made her feel such raw pain, what she must have gone through.

And you were hiding in Singapore that time, hiding away from your feelings for Pen! - a voice in his mind accused him.

“I’m so sorry…” Colin said out loud. Sorry for being a bad brother, for not being there for you… he added in his mind.

“No! No… “ Eloise shook her head vehemently, “You need not be sorry, Col! It's me who should say sorry to you!” she exclaimed.

“What for?” Colin asked in surprise.

“Theo was my first love you see. I have shared my every first with him… I had believed that our dreams were the same, I truly thought that we would marry. But here I am. Happily moved on from him. But you and Pen…” Colin looked up at her in alarm, but she continued, “ There was a time i believed you and Pen would never work, that both of you had such different goal and aims, I even dissuaded you from going after her. And yet… after so many years… I see these longing looks…”

Colin let out a soft chuckle at that, “I’m hopeless, ain’t I? But I can't seem to move on from her.”

“Not just you, even she can't seem to move on from you. And she’s tried. I know she did. But she loves you too much to let you go.”

A frown appeared on Colin’s forehead. “What are you talking about? Penelope isn't in love with me!” 

Eloise chuckled, then gave him a long look, then she laughed. For a full minute. 

“Colin, you are so dumb if you still havent seen it. Especially after reading that smut.” She said pointing her finger at his tab.

What about the smut? Colin was suddenly second guessing himself. All the conversations he had with Pen in recent years, all the chats, facetime calls, none of them suggested that she was remotely interested in starting a relationship with him. Or was she? Did he simply projected his thoughts on her and missed any meaning behind her words? 

I can't seem to move on from my past… Penelope’s voice boomed in his mind. Was she really talking about Andrew? But.. But… she seemed so much in love with him and was so heart broken when he broke up with her.

“She loved Andrew.” Colin whispered softly, and watched as Eloise nodded sadly.

“Of course she did. Or at least liked him enough to go on a date with him. But did that love hold a candle to the love she harbours for you? No!” Eloise said forcefully. “I’ve seen her pining for you for years now, Col! And Never once did she waver in her affections. So many things bottled up in her heart.  I thought you would know after reading her story.”

“Know what?” Colin asked suspiciously.

“Really?” Eloise rolled her eyes, “Doesn't Nicolus remind you of someone?” When Colin stared at her blankly, she added, “ a foot taller than Lucy, her childhood friend, green eyes, smooth talker, 3rd son…”she saw a flash of an emotion in colin’s eyes, yet continued with her list, “ has a nickname 'Col', loves to travel, feels a lack of purpose in life, is a bit dense sometimes, is jealous of Lucy’s published work.”

“I’m not dense! And I'm not jealous of Penelope’s work!” Colin said defensively, then added indignantly, “And neither is Nicolus!” 

“Which chapter are you on?” Eliose asked innocently.

“Seventh.” he looked at her warily.

“Oh, still so far behind, then. The jealousy part comes after chapter 13.”

“I’m not jealous of Pen!” Colin said once again, making a broad smile appear on Eloise’s face.

“And I’m glad you finally came to your senses and realised that Nicolus is you. I’m very surprised and a bit disappointed you didn't realise right away” she added unnecessary, rubbing salt to his scrapes, “but then self realisation isn't your best suite!” 

Though it sounded like a slight, ( and probably she meant it to) Colin couldn't help but feel an immense surge of affection towards his sister, as he wrapped his arms around her.

“You are my most favourite sister! You know that right?” He spoke against her temple.

“Wow! When did I dethrone Daphne from that position?” Eloise asked sarcastically.

“Since a moment ago.” Colin said, stepping away from the hug. Eloise watched him as he hurriedly brushed his hair, grabbed his jacket and grabbed his cell phone from the table. There was a spring in his steps. Eloise hadn't seen him so excited in ages.

“Are you going somewhere?” she enquired.

“Yes, to meet Pen…”

“But she had a date tonight at 7.” Eloise said, looking at her watch. It was 7.35 PM.

“I know. I’m going to crash it.” Colin said with an evil smirk.

“Did she message you? She generally gives an hour to the dimwits before messaging you.” Eloise was confused, What was he planning?

“Eloise!” He grabbed her arms, “I’m done waiting. What if the date turns out to be a success?” 

“So you’re just going to go there and declare your intentions?”

“Yes!” Colin said, grinning cheek to cheek and Eloise couldn't stop herself from smiling. It was finally happening! And she was so happy for both of them.

“Go, get her brother!” She shouted at his back as he stepped out of the room. “And give her my love!”

“I will…” he shouted back, without turning to face her. 

Penelope struggled hard to find flaws in her date for the night, but he really was a perfect guy (as her mother had advertised). Well, the only flaw she could spot in him was that he wasn't Colin. But she also knew nobody would ever spark the thing Colin sparked in her heart. And if she couldn't have Colin, then at least she should try to find someone decent and play house with him. And Jack, her current company, seemed like a perfect guy for that.

So she was utterly surprised (and secretly delighted) when Colin showed up in the restaurant with his usual flair to crash her date.

She had seen him walk into the restaurant even before he spotted their table. Then as their eyes met from 20 metres apart, she noticed something in his eyes that made her heart race and her face flush. He was looking at her the way he had looked at her in the pub all those years back, when he first kissed her. She held her breath and waited to see which method he would employ today to get rid of the man in front of her. Would he play the role of a jilted lover? Or would he play her ex and beg her to take him back? 

But as Colin reached their table, he just stared at her, without saying a single thing.

“Hey Colin…” Penelope started saying after an awkward moment of staring at Jack, “How are you?”

“Eloise sends her love.” Colin said simply, his face still devoid of any emotion.

“Okaaaay! And…?” Penelope asked cautiously, still not catching up to his game for the day.

Then suddenly Colin pulled back a chair, flipped it and sat on it backwards, resting his hands on the backrest and said with much heat, “How could you do this to my sister, huh?”

“What did I do?” Penelope didn't even have to pretend anything as she genuinely felt lost and confused at his line of questioning. She threw a look at Jack and he seemed to be equally confused.

“Oh, Pen. You guys have been together since high school, aren’t you? You guys were inseparable for years. She was always there with you in your tough times. My sister loves you. And you have been such a big part of our lives, are you not?” Colin asked and Penelope nodded before adding a  cautious ‘Yeah’ in a small voice. 

“Then why did you break her heart? Why are you on a date with him!” Colin said ‘him’ as if it was an insult, and looked at Jack with so much disdain. Penelope smiled inwardly, so that's what he was upto. Playing brother of a lover. She decided to have a bit of fun too.

“I frankly don't think it would work out between me and your sister, Col!” Pen said with a careless shrug. Jack was looking at them both in a way someone would watch a badminton match.

“Really? You realise that now? After all the years she had given towards this relationship? You can't do that, Pen.” Colin said with mock indignation.

“Who are you to tell me what I can and can’t do?”Penelope said, a frown on her face, but laughing inwardly.

“Yes, you cannot tell the lady what to feel and what not to feel.” Jack chose the moment to  intervene, and Colin threw an irritated glance at her. 

Look what your drama is taking us… he seemed to convey.

Well, you started it. Aren't you confident enough to carry on? She arched her eyebrow and challenged him silently. 

Colin stared at her. Trust Penelope for choosing to stir trouble for him in the worst possible situations. But wasnt that the best thing about her? She challenged him, stimulated him, made him believe in himself, and most importantly believed in him.

“I urge you, Pen. Don't throw away your one true love. There are already a lot of unsaid words, wasted days. Too many misunderstandings!” Colin said earnestly, pouring all the desperation that he bottled up inside his heart for years in his words, and Penelope sensed he wasn’t playing a part anymore. She sat still, not even daring to lift her small finger. 

“Please Pen, come with me.”  

“Excuse me!” Jack banged his hand on the table, making both Colin and Pen jump in surprise, “you can't  force her to come with you, you git! Tell your sister to get another girlfriend!” He yelled indignantly.

“Jack.. please! Calm down!” Penelope said, placating him, suppressing a laugh. “Colin, I really think…” 

“Please Pen, come with me, now.” Colin said again and Penelope was taken aback with the urgency in his voice. 

“What…” 

“Please… trust me! If this doesn't work out, nothing else will…” Colin said, and she was hundred percent sure he wasn't playing a part, or even talking about her and Eloise’s relationship anymore.

Unsaid words… misunderstandings… could it be…?

The possibility of Colin falling in love with her was so distant in her mind that she swiftly pushed that thought aside. Nonetheless, she still grabbed her purse, much to Jack’s displeasure, and put her share of the bill on the table. Colin smiled at that. So like his Pen, ever so proud of her financial independence.

And with that she walked out, Colin closely following her.

“What had gotten into you?” Penelope asked with amusement as he hailed a cab and ushered her inside.

“I don't know. I guess I was tired of fake-dating you.” Colin said with a shrug.

Oh. Penelope’s face fell. Was she really so exhausting that he got tired of even fake-dating her? Colin watched a shadow cross her face and immediately knew how she must have interpreted his statement.

“Don't you dare assume that I'm tired of you, miss!” He said in a warning tone.

“I’m not!” She lied.

“Good. because we’re far from done.” He said with a teasing smile.

“What are you-” 

“I’m tired of fake dating you, because…” Colin snaked his hand around her shoulder and pulled her towards him until her side was pressed against his and then he whispered against her ears, “because I want it to be real this time.”

Penelope blinked once, then twice, then she pulled her face away slightly and peered into his eyes. “Colin, what do you mean?”

Colin just grinned the biggest grin she had seen on his face in years and said, “I am trying to tell you that I’m crazy about you and I can't stop thinking about you and I want you so much my heart hurts from it, and…” He paused dramatically and then, just as his words created magic and had already placed her on cloud nine, he added, “I’d like to court you, if you allow me, Lady Whistledown!” He ended his passionate speech and watched her face in amusement as Penelope’s eyes grew round as realisation dawned on her that her secret was out.

Chapter Text

“I’d like to court you, if you allow me, Lady Whistledown!”

Penelope was stupefied for a moment. Her brain- her simply amazing, extraordinarily observant, can-process-10-million-ideas-per-second brain was dazed by the revelation that not only did Colin want her in a romantic way, but he also knew about her most well-kept, precious, and a tad bit scandalous secret. Her altar ego, her secret identity, her pseudonym - Lady whistledown!!

And judging by the way he looked at her, with his breath ragged and his pupils dilated, she knew he had read it- ‘Romancing Mr. Newton’ - the story about Lucy and Nicolus. 

Damn! - Penelope thought, ‘Now he knows what kind of fantasies I have about him!” Suddenly she found that she was breathing very rapidly and couldn't meet his eyes. She was aware that he was calling out her name, but did not find it in her to respond.

Colin’s concerns grew tenfold when she remained silent after full five minutes. He panicked when she was almost panting. “Pen!” Colin said in a strained but concerned tone, which finally broke through her daze.

"How?" she asked almost fearfully.

"Felicity..." Colin said, then realised the murderous look in Penelope's eyes was reserved for her younger sister alone, so he added quickly, "And Hyacinth." 

“Colin…I…” Penelope whispered, still not meeting his eyes, trying to come up for something to say. Something… anything… she finally settled for “I don't know what to say…”

“Oh, but I know what to say… and I also know what I want to hear from you. But first of all, just tell me honestly,” He said placing his hand on her arm, making her turn fully towards him, “Who is Nicolus in your story?”

“Whatever you mean…” she started saying but Colin cut her mid sentence, “The characters in your story are based on real life people, right?” Penelope nodded hesitantly. No point in denying that when she herself tagged the fic with ‘RPF’ tag. Colin smiled smugly and continued his interrogation, “So , tell me, who is the inspiration behind Nicolus?”

Penelope exhaled softly, while looking helplessly at him. While it felt nice to hear about all the wonderful things Colin had said about being crazy for her and thinking about her constantly and wanting her so much, she was absolutely sure now that it was because of the smut she had written, which had thrown him in a haze of lust. Did he have any idea how much she actually loved him? Did he know how long she had been waiting for him? The kind of love Penelope bore in her heart for Colin was unmatched, unwavering. Did he have the same kind of sentiments for her, or was he simply in lust with her? She wasn't sure. He had read all her fantasies about him and confessing to him that it indeed was him felt like stripping bare in front of him. 

Colin must have seen this insecurity on her face, because he withdrew his hands from her person, as if to not overwhelm her and leaned back to maintain a respectful distance. “Penelope,” His voice was low and strained when he spoke, “Its ok if you don't want to tell me. I just.. Uhh!” He raked his hands in his hair in frustration, before adding hesitantly, “I was hoping it was me.” 

At that, she looked at him in surprise.

“Why do you look so shocked? I mean I always keep hoping it would be me one day. I’ve always been crazy about you. Didn’t you know it?” He asked incredulously.

"No, I actually didnt!" Penelope muttered.

"Well, then. I guess i didnt do a good job at showing you how much I love you." He said regretfully and Penelope's heart sped up. Love - he said. Not like... or care.

"Penelope, I love you. always have been. Since our first date, Since spring dance. Probably much earlier than that." Colin said simply, and Penelope once again was stunned by his words. There was no pretentiousness in his words, not an ounce of deceit. It was plain, simple truth. And in that moment, she believed it. In fact she felt stupid to ever have doubted him, or not seeing this truth earlier.

It felt like he had opened his heart and laid all his feelings for her to examine, like he was baring himself to her. Which meant he deserved the same courtesy. 

“I’m crazy about you too!” she said in such a small voice, it was barely audible to her own ears.

“What was that? I couldn't quite catch it…” Colin said as a small smile tugged at the corners of his lips. Penelope knew he had heard her, judging by the smugness on his face, but still she spoke out loud, “I love you. I’m in love with you. Always have been… since the day I met you...” 

Colin looked at her in wonder. Then there were no words spoken for quite a long time as their lips met each other.

The kiss was fantastic- yet awkward as their teeth clashed a few times, enough to make her heart race - yet soothed her heart, it felt magical - yet more real than her imagination. And she had imagined this several times. Heck, She even wrote so many kissing scenes featuring Lucy and Nicolus in her story. And yet, when she thought about this kiss with Colin, she felt that words had somehow failed her. She couldn't describe it in words. She chuckled at the thought.

“What are you thinking about?” Colin asked her as he felt her chuckle vibrating through his chest. He had Penelope’s face currently presses against his chest and one arm wounded around her in a tight coil. 

“Umm.. Nothing.. Just.. I want thinking how bizarre it would be now, to continue with the Lady whistledown’s story.” She said shyly.

“Why?” Colin asked and she leaned back to peer at him through her lashes.

“Seriously? All your sisters read it, and all my sisters read it too. And I suspect they already know about my feelings for you.”

“Not to mention my feelings for you…” Colin added with a goofy smile.

“Which means, if I write more of Lucy and Nicolus now, however far from reality it would be, they will think its me describing our…” our what…activities? escapades? dates? Penelope suddenly felt very shy… “me describing ‘us’. wouldn't it be embarrassing?”

Colin smirked smugly, then he spoke in a voice that sent shivers down her spine, “That is if you find the exact words to describe what I’m going to do to you…”

Penelope was both thrilled by his wicked smile and a bit flustered, “What do you have in mind?” 

“Oh, a lot! But before doing any of that, I want to try something else.” He said mysteriously as he played with her shiny red traces.Emboldened by the desire she could clearly see in his gaze, she asked in a flirtatious tone, “And what is that something else?”

“I want to test a few theories, you know… to realise some of your fantasies… like, how can a gentleman ravish a lady in a moving carriage…” Colin said with a full blown smirk and promptly got slapped on chest by a very scandalised Penelope.“You wouldn't dare! We are in the middle of London’s streets full of traffic. Anyone could see us.”

“Not now of course! But next time I’m booking an uber, I’m getting a tinted car” He proclaimed and saw the blush creep on her face.

Pen… his Pen! The girl he fell in love with, then watched her turn into a woman, and now this most amazing, stunning, beautiful woman was with him, in his arms. They had known each other for almost a decade now. This person, apart from his family, had been the one person who knew who was the real Colin Bridgerton, and he too thought he knew who was Penelope Featherington. And yet he felt that they were getting reacquainted with each other. For one, he didn't know Penelope looks so amazing when she blushes. 

You lucky duck! He thought to himself. How did you manage to make this angel fall in love with you!

And even if it took them almost a decade to come to this point, Colin was determined to maintain the status quo of their relationship, till they grow old and withering and have 15 grandchildren and no teeth and need a walking stick. 

But even then, he’ll always save all his dances for her. He knew it in his heart.

I have faith in what I see

Now I know I have met an angel in person

And she looks perfect

I don't deserve this

You look perfect tonight

--The End--