Chapter Text
Gabrielle squinted into the lowering sun, eyes stinging with the dust being kicked up by her horse’s hooves. The horse was panting hard, a sheen of sweat on his flanks, but Gabrielle urged him on, the rhythmic clatter of hooves setting a beat for her to focus on, to accompany the mantra in her mind. Get the amber. Just get the amber, and Alti’s spirit can be trapped, and this nightmare will be over. Don’t fail this time.
“You barely made it back the first time.” Xena’s bleak response to her request to fight Alti again was echoing ceaselessly in her head. This had been her chance to prove to Xena that she was ready to step up - that Xena didn’t have to fight every battle, that Gabrielle could protect them both. But she’d failed. Alti had crushed her like an irritating insect. The hot wash of shame rolled over her yet again, making her heart race.
She curled her hands into tighter fists around her horse’s reins, knuckles white. Everything ached with the effort of leaning into the fast gallop, shoulders bunched, teeth grinding, dry eyes staring straight ahead - but it didn’t matter. She had to come through this time.
“Gabrielle?”
Amarice’s plaintive shout sounded too far away. Muttering a curse, Gabrielle slowed her horse a fraction, enough to make it safe to glance over her shoulder. Amarice had fallen way behind, her horse barely managing a canter, both looking slumped and exhausted. Pulling gently on the reins and calling a soft “woah, Amber, woah” - she slowed to a trot and wheeled the horse around, waiting for Amarice to catch up.
“When are we going to stop and rest? Yakut said it would take us more than a day to get there.”
“Yes. I know.”
“Are we going to ride all night?!” Amarice was hunched forward, massaging her aching thighs.
“We’ve still got a bit of daylight left,” Gabrielle said gruffly, glancing up at the rapidly sinking sun. “We can get closer to that ridge. The cave is just on the other side -”
“If we try to go up there in the dark, one of the horses is going to fall and break a leg.” Amarice’s interruption was blunt, and she gave Gabrielle a dark look as she swung down, wincing as her feet made contact with the ground. She looked around, rubbing her neck. “This’ll do. There’s fresh water and softer ground under the trees over there.”
Without another glance at Gabrielle, she led her gasping horse towards the shallow creek to drink.
“Who’s in charge here?” Gabrielle muttered under her breath - though she knew her companion was right. Amber, her horse, was butting his head against hers and whinnying, nudging towards the creek. His loyalty, his willingness to keep going if she asked him to, pierced her heart.
“I’m sorry, boy,” she crooned, rubbing his nose. “I pushed you too hard. Get some water, go on.”
She stood alone, watching Amarice start to dig in the packs for bedrolls and water skins. Her hand went for the hundredth time that day to the scar at her throat, fresh, healing and maddeningly itchy. She rubbed the skin around it, hating it, angry at the impulse to scratch that would spread infection if she couldn’t keep it under control. The scar burned for a second, and her eyes closed with a gasp, the sensation plunging her straight back there again. The lurid peculiarity of Alti’s spirit world, where life was frozen, weird, out of step with nature; the inhuman strength of the fingers around her neck, choking the life out of her. It was going to haunt her dreams for some time to come.
——
Their camp was predictably subdued. Chewing on dried meat the Amazons had packed for them, gulping water to try and rid their throats of the scratchy dust from the fast ride, they barely exchanged a word. Amarice kept glancing up, perhaps looking for an opening, but Gabrielle stared glumly at the fire. Grateful though she was for Amarice’s presence, she couldn’t contemplate making small talk this evening.
Eventually, Amarice seemed unable to stand the silence any longer.
“Did, um. Did Xena give you some more of that ointment for your throat?”
Gabrielle dragged her mind back from where it had been lurking. She forced a tired smile at Amarice’s concerned face.
“Yes. I’ll use it just before we sleep. It might stop me from scratching during the night.” The thought of it made the wound sting again, bringing sudden tears to her eyes. She dashed them away.
“Does it hurt?”
Fresh tears immediately replaced the ones she’d banished.
“What’s wrong?” Amarice’s voice was full of alarm. Gabrielle took a couple of long, shaky breaths, lifting her heavy head to look at her.
“This is my fault.” Her voice cracked as she spoke.
Amarice twisted her head to one side, confused. “What - how? How is any of this your fault?”
“What if -” Gabrielle rasped. Her heart was thumping loudly in her ears, but she couldn’t finish her sentence. A black thought had been silently tormenting her ever since Xena had collapsed in terrible pain, forcing their abrupt change in direction to seek out the Amazons. But it stayed locked inside, her throat closing against the impulse to give it a voice. What if I made this happen somehow? What if I wished for this to all go away… she closed her eyes and shook her head with a hiss. She could feel Amarice staring at her.
“Gabrielle, I’m - I’m sure you did the best you could. Against Alti, I mean. She sounds like a freakshow.”
Gabrielle shuddered. “She is.”
“But what else could you have done? How could you have known Alti was going to attack Xena’s baby like this?”
“I still failed her,” Gabrielle whispered, her voice wavering. She raised her head again, eyes hollow. Amarice blinked at the desolation on her face.
“Look, you failed to kill Alti that time, but we’re not done yet. We’re going to get that amber tomorrow - I mean, how hard can it be? All we have to do is slip past another lunatic friend of Yakut’s -”
“Hey.” Gabrielle snapped back to herself just enough to reprimand her friend. “C’mon. Yakut might be a little strange, but her power is real. You saw it for yourself. I’m sure Chi’ah will be no different.”
“Maybe.” Amarice sounded dubious. “But - don’t you think it’s odd how Xena just trusts Yakut? I’ve never seen her so unquestioning. She just - believes anything she says, no matter how nuts it sounds.”
Gabrielle took another deep breath. This wasn’t a comfortable conversation, but it was better than dwelling on the shameful thoughts that kept surfacing in the dark places of her mind.
“Xena taught Yakut a lot of what she knows. She trusts her because she helped set her on the path to becoming a shamaness.”
“But where did Xena learn that stuff anyway?”
Gabrielle looked at her for a long moment. “From Alti,” she said quietly.
Amarice’s eyes widened, and she gave a low whistle. “Xena left out that part of the story.”
Gabrielle said nothing for a moment, staring at the fire until her eyes were smarting. “She feels responsible for some of what Alti did to the Amazons in this region,” she murmured. “I think teaching Yakut the ways of the shamaness was part of her trying to make amends. But - I don’t know, I wasn’t there that time. It’s complicated.”
“It’s always ‘complicated’,” Amarice grumbled. Gabrielle couldn’t help but smile.
“But listen, Yakut is an Amazon leader. She deserves your respect, no matter what you think of her…methods,” Gabrielle added. Amarice shifted uncomfortably, and Gabrielle watched her with a thoughtful smile. “It’s not the first time I’ve seen you reluctant to trust someone too quickly. You did the same with me, after all.”
Amarice scrunched up her face, confused. “What do you mean? I respected you as my Queen, didn’t I?”
Gabrielle raised an eyebrow. “Not long after I met you, you disobeyed a direct order and tried to kill my prisoner before I’d had a chance to question him,” she said blandly. Amarice squirmed, her face turning a deeper red than the fire. “My beliefs at the time didn’t quite match up with yours, as I recall,” Gabrielle continued, keeping her tone gentle. “It seems to take you a while to accept other ways of thinking.”
“It’s not - I don’t -” Amarice made a frustrated noise, her frown deepening.
Gabrielle relented. “It’s not necessarily a criticism, Amarice. Just an observation. That level of cynicism might have been useful at some point in your life. I don’t know.”
There was a long silence. Amarice fiddled with the dagger she’d been sharpening, turning it over and over in her hands. Gabrielle was about to ask if she was ready for sleep when she piped up again.
“D’you ever think about settling with a tribe?”
Gabrielle blinked, surprised at the question.
“I mean - you are a Queen, after all,” Amarice continued. She gave a slow shrug. “Perhaps you should be thinking about it.”
“I have thought about it. But -” Gabrielle sighed. “It’s never been the right time. And -”
“And what?”
“Xena’s not an Amazon,” Gabrielle said softly.
Amarice cocked her head to one side. “But she could become one, couldn’t she? Like you did?”
Gabrielle bit her lip. “She could choose to be initiated, if a tribe would accept her, yes.” She swallowed hard, a dull ache starting to form in her chest. This conversation was unsettling her. “But she doesn’t want to. I’ve - we’ve already discussed it.”
“She wouldn’t do it for you?” Amarice looked genuinely baffled.
Gabrielle held her gaze. “It’s…complicated.”
Amarice threw back her head and groaned. “There’s that word again. Why do you two always have to make things ‘complicated’?!”
In spite of her pain, Gabrielle couldn’t help but laugh. “Good question,” she murmured. “Perhaps one day I’ll have a better answer. But right now - I think we need to get some sleep. We’ll have a long day ahead of us.”
Amarice appeared to be fast asleep moments after she’d wrapped herself in her blankets, but Gabrielle lay awake, gazing up at the lazily drifting clouds obscuring the stars. It was hard to close her eyes and not be immediately assailed by flashes of the horrible fight with Alti - if you could even call it a fight, given she’d barely managed to raise her weapon. She desperately wanted Xena’s arms around her, shielding her from the creeping shadows in the nearby trees, soothing her with whispered comforts and soft kisses to her temple. But she was alone, exposed, exhausted, yet unable to reach the respite from her gnawing fear that sleep would allow.
After Amarice is banished from Chi’ah’s cave.
The cool silence of the cave was slightly unnerving - as was Chi’ah’s gaze as it followed Gabrielle’s progress towards the mass of tree roots. Every so often she felt a pulse of energy, a sense of some great force surrounding this place, but it was fleeting.
This is an Amazon holy place, she told herself, closing her eyes reverently for a moment. She stopped still, pushing at the edges of her awareness for another glimpse of the lifeforce around her. There was nothing.
You’d think I’d feel more moved.
“Not everyone can open their consciousness to the tree of life immediately,” came Chi’ah’s unexpected answer. “It can be overwhelming.”
Gabrielle glanced round. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I mean - I’m here for the amber, but - how do I get it?”
Chi’ah smiled thinly. “Ask. They will give you what you need.”
“Ask…out loud?”
“Use your heart.”
Okay. That bit I can do. Gabrielle squared her shoulders, walked to the tree and laid a careful hand on the thickest part of the nearest root. She could feel that thrumming, surging energy again, a deep vibration at the extreme edge of perception. She closed her eyes and bowed her head. Please. Her silent plea was as fervent as any she’d ever made. Please, give me some of your amber, so that I can - so that we can trap Alti’s spirit. It should never have been released. And it’s hurting my - my family. She swallowed hard.
The vibration pulsed strongly for a second, the tree root seeming to buzz under her hand. Then Chi’ah pointed, and Gabrielle fumbled with the vial in her hands, holding it up just in time to catch the slick resin that trickled down from the root. Despite the darkness, it almost seemed to glow.
Once the flow had stopped, Gabrielle placed the stopper in the vial, rolling it in her hands. She’d expected it to feel warm. Her heartbeat was already starting to calm its stuttering rhythm now that she had what she needed; she turned to Chi’ah, unsure what to say.
“Thank you. I -” she began nervously.
“Do not thank me.” Chi’ah gestured to the tree. “Thank them.”
Gabrielle placed a hand on her chest and bowed towards the enormous tree trunk, not knowing what else to do. “Thank you,” she breathed.
Chi’ah was still watching her. It felt impolite simply to turn around and walk out of the cave, despite her anxiousness to return to the Amazon camp.
“You live here alone?” Gabrielle asked. “Do you ever visit the tribe?”
There was that enigmatic smile again. Chi’ah spread her hands. “I am rarely alone. Spirits are all around us, all the time.”
Gabrielle glanced around, momentarily glad not to have to hush Amarice’s inevitable snort of disbelief. But on thinking of her friend, banished outside by Chi’ah’s disapproving glare, she hardened a little.
“What do you know of Alti?”
Chi’ah’s smile vanished. She looked into the distance for a moment, and her nostrils flared. Gabrielle took a step back, wondering if she’d angered the mystic with her question.
“That one,” Chi’ah said in a clipped tone. “She could have soared with the eagle. Instead, she chose a cage.” She looked back at Gabrielle, eyes flashing.
Deciding not to press any further, Gabrielle gave a half-smile, turning to walk back to the cave entrance, still wrestling with an appropriate way to end this strange conversation.
“Your heart is caged, too, little one.”
Stopping dead, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of her, Gabrielle slowly turned back to face Chi’ah. “Wh- what do you mean?”
Chi’ah gazed at her for a long, excruciating moment, before pointing to the vial of amber clutched in Gabrielle’s hand.
“The amber you hold can entomb a restless soul. A departed soul should be at rest, and have no need of imprisonment, but at times it can be necessary.” Her eyes were burning into Gabrielle’s. “Trying to lock away the truth, however, is a dangerous act.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Gabrielle said quickly. Hadn’t she been judged already? What was this new interrogation in aid of?
“You should speak of what burdens you, young Queen,” Chi’ah intoned. “Or it will begin to burn you.”
Gabrielle shook as a sudden flash of rage shot through her. She didn’t bother to ask which hidden truth Chi’ah spoke of.
“Even when saying it out loud would hurt the person I love?”
Chi’ah met her angered gaze with calm resolve. “Love deserves truth.”
Breathing fast now, Gabrielle threw an accusatory finger at the entrance to the cave. “Did Amarice deserve to be cast out of here like an imposter?” she demanded.
Chi’ah spread her hands. “As I said. I can only allow a true Amazon into the tree’s presence. I could not ask them to make an exception for your friend.”
“But how does it judge? If I hadn’t been offered Terreis’s right of caste, I wouldn’t be an Amazon either - and yet the tree accepted me without question. Amarice belongs to my tribe - what makes her any different?”
Chi’ah’s smile became a little softer. “Queen Gabrielle, you became an Amazon the moment you threw yourself over Terreis to protect her from further harm. The gift of her right of caste merely confirmed it.”
“Then I know Amarice is an Amazon,” Gabrielle countered fiercely. “Because she’s protected me and my sisters more times than I can count. She has earned that identity, no matter what you think.”
Chi’ah’s piercing gaze was suddenly as gentle as could be. “Then confirm it.” With this last instruction, she turned away, saying nothing more.
Gabrielle stood rooted to the spot for a moment, trembling in the aftermath of the anger that had dissipated as quickly as it had surged into life. Tightening her fingers around the precious amber, she turned and hurried from the cave, suddenly desperate to be back in the daylight where things made a little more sense.
After Gabrielle and Amarice begin travelling back to the Amazon camp.
The horses were cantering comfortably back down the valley, the forest suddenly seeming brighter and less foreboding than the day before. Gabrielle’s heart was significantly lighter now that they had the amber, despite what Chi’ah claimed to have seen. The mystic may have discerned some truth that Amarice was hiding, but she didn’t seem able or willing to see the nuance. Amarice might have pretended, once, to have been an Amazon in order to join Ephiny’s tribe. It made sense, now, how desperate she’d been to prove herself - not to mention all her early bravado about the things she’d seen and done “in my tribe”, which must have been fiction. But now - as far as Gabrielle was concerned, she was as much an Amazon as Gabrielle would ever be. Her bravery and loyalty gave her every right to claim it.
And as for Chi’ah’s insight into Gabrielle’s own heart? Well, again, she wasn’t seeing the whole picture. It might be true that Gabrielle wasn’t being entirely honest with Xena when she told her she was excited, that she was looking forward to the birth, that she already loved her baby like they were her own. But Chi’ah couldn’t know how much it would hurt Xena to know how she really felt. Besides, if she said it enough times, perhaps it would become true. Just like her belief in her own Amazon identity had taken time to grow, surely it was possible to arrive at the kind of acceptance about their situation that she was already claiming to have reached? She just needed to believe she could get there.
“Gabrielle?”
Amarice had been silent and subdued since leaving Chi’ah’s cave. Gabrielle glanced up, slowing her horse a little, eager to encourage her to talk.
“What is it?”
“I know you’ll have to tell them. The tribe, Xena, whatever. But -”
“I don’t have to tell them anything.”
Amarice sighed, shifting in her saddle. “But I can’t just keep lying to everyone. Not now.”
Gabrielle bit her lip. She looked up at the sun, calculating how long they’d travelled for. She wanted to get back to Xena quickly, but not without reassuring Amarice about the reception she might get. She pulled her horse back a little more, allowing them to settle into a trot that meant they weren’t shouting to be heard.
“Would you have told me, if Chi’ah hadn’t?”
Amarice squirmed again. “I don’t know.”
“I’m sorry you felt you had to lie,” Gabrielle said gently. “But I have to ask - if it’s not too hard to talk about - where did you really come from? If you didn’t belong to a tribe before mine?”
Amarice paused for a moment. “I lived in a few different port towns north of Athens,” she said carefully. “We were pretty poor.”
“Did you live with your parents?”
“I don’t know who my father was. I remember my mother, but -” she chewed her lip for a moment, then shrugged. “She couldn’t take care of herself very well, let alone me. So I left home.”
Gabrielle said nothing, trying to just listen. Her heart went out to the young woman - and she kicked herself for never being curious enough to ask about her past.
“I’d heard about the Amazons in stories,” Amarice went on. “Sometimes I found work in taverns on the road, and listened to the storytellers. Figured a tribe of warrior women would be as good a place as any to be. I’d learnt how to fight, to survive - I knew I could hold my own. It was just a matter of convincing them.”
“And this was when you joined the tribe?”
“I found them almost by accident. Managed to drop enough of the details of the stories I’d heard to make them believe I really did come from another tribe, in the west.” She sniffed, her voice growing choked. “They just - took me in. Accepted me. Treated me like I deserved to be there.”
“You did. Amarice, nobody deserves to be without a home or a family. You did belong there, no matter what Chi’ah said.”
Amarice wiped her eyes. “Yeah, well,” she said gruffly. “It was either the Amazons or the Hestian virgins, and I don’t think I’d have fitted in as well there.”
Gabrielle couldn’t help answering with a chuckle. Then she squinted at her. “You loved that tribe. So - why did you leave, with Xena and I?”
“Figured they’d find out eventually. Besides, I’d heard of the Amazons, but I’d heard way more about Xena. Who wouldn’t want to follow her?”
Gabrielle looked away, suddenly bashful. There was something she could definitely relate to.
“I’m glad I did,” Amarice said quietly. She threw an embarrassed smile at Gabrielle, who returned it quickly.
“Me too.”
After a long, but not uncomfortable pause, Gabrielle tapped her horse with her heels to encourage him to move a little faster, and Amarice followed suit. She seemed to be sitting a little taller in her saddle now.
“Gabrielle? For what it’s worth…you and Xena are going to be great parents,” Amarice said with a shy dip of her head. “Trust me.”
Gabrielle had to blink fast to clear the tears from her eyes. “C’mon,” she said, leaning over to land a soft punch on Amarice’s arm before gripping her reins tight, crouching low in preparation. “Let’s see if you can out-ride your Queen.” With that, she urged her horse into a fast gallop, streaking ahead.
“Ha - you’re gonna eat dust, your Majesty,” Amarice yelled, kicking her horse into action. Her laughter echoed in her wake as she charged down the forest track.