Chapter Text
They walked until nightfall.
Despite the ground they'd covered, Clementine could tell Luke was still anxious, reluctant to stop for the night, but it couldn't be helped. It was pitch black, and all too easy to wander off course. They couldn't afford to get lost, and truthfully they could all use the rest. Clementine herself was nursing several blisters and a leg cramp. She'd known walking was going to be harder, but it didn't make it any less painful.
Their biggest problem was the cold. They couldn't light a fire, not with Carver out there. Fortunately, they happened upon a steep outcrop of rocks to take shelter by, blocking out most of the wind. The air still had a biting chill to it, but it was bearable.
Clementine sank to the ground, her muscles aching, and began to work the cramp out of her leg. She was proud of how well she'd kept up, but reminded herself they still had a lot of ground to cover. The next five days were going to be crucial; if she could get through this, she could get through anything. But if she couldn't keep up... she dreaded the possibility.
She wished she could just skip the healing process, and fast-forward to when she was better adjusted. It was hard being patient; she knew the strength and endurance would come with time, but with Carver bearing down on them it was easy to get frustrated. And there was always the underlying fear that the others would decide she was too much of a risk... a liability, and cut her loose.
Clementine was roused by her musings by Luke, who practically collapsed next to her with a tired smile. She hadn't failed to noticed how Luke seemed to push himself the hardest. He'd lead the group all day, keeping them on track, taking out any stray walkers they happened upon, and generally kept the group's spirits up. He never let on that he was tired, though Clementine knew he must be. Luke led by example, and his strength gave strength to others. But that strength had its limit, and it was starting to show.
"Hey there, Clem," Luke greeted her, pushing a hand through his hair. "How you doin'?"
"As good as I can be, I guess," Clementine shrugged. "You know, given the circumstances."
"Good, good, that's good..." Luke's gaze wandered over to Nick, who was a little ways off, staring up at the dark sky with a far off look in his eyes. "How do you think Nick's been doin'?" He asked quietly, eyes shining with concern.
Clementine knit her brows together. "I don't know. He's been really quiet... I think he blames himself. For what happened to Pete."
"Well, no surprise there. What happened at the river was fucked up," Luke said bitterly, shaking his head. "Watching someone die like that, it does somethin' to you."
Clementine bit her lip. "We're... all going to see bad things, but... it's okay," She glanced up at Luke. "Right?"
"Yeah." Luke regarded her sadly, a pained, knowing look in his eyes. She'd gotten that from him a lot, and it put her slightly on edge. It was almost like he knew something she didn't. She didn't like that.
"There's that look again." Clementine said accusingly, folding her arms.
"What look?" Luke asked, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Like you know something," Clementine narrowed her eyes. "Something about me."
Luke's eyes widened, and he chewed his lip, looking torn. "I- I don't... alright, Clem," He sighed, relenting. "Look, I'm gonna be straight with you, okay? You remember back at the cabin, after the accident, when Carlos gave you those pain meds?"
"Yeah..?" Clementine eyed him warily.
"Well, they gave you nightmares." Luke said carefully.
Clementine's heart began to pound. "I don't remember anything about-"
"I don't expect you would, you were pretty out of it," Luke explained, spreading his hands. "Okay, you were confused when you woke up, and... you started talking about someone you knew once. About what happened to him."
"What did I say?" Already her mind was racing with the possibilities- none of them good.
Luke studied her apprehensively, like he could tell she wouldn't like what he told her. "It was a guy named Mark," He said finally. "You- you told us what happened to him," Suddenly his expression was almost pleading. "Did that really happen? Did you- was he really killed by... cannibals?"
Clementine inhaled sharply, squeezing her eyes shut as her mind flooded with memories. "You- you weren't supposed to know that," She said stiffly. "No one was."
Luke's eyes grew even wider. "Wh- but why? Clem, you know you can tell us anything, okay-"
"It's none of your business!" Clementine snapped. Her eyes suddenly filled with tears, and she turned away, swallowing the lump in her throat. "My past is my own, it belongs to me- I don't owe you guys that."
"Clem-"
She cut him off. "Who else knows about it?"
"Nick. And Pete was there, too," Luke's voice dropped. "Hell, Clem, I was going to tell you, but there didn't seem t'be a good time... I'm sorry."
Clementine didn't respond. It wasn't supposed to work like this. Nowadays, all a person really owned was their story. And you didn't go sharing it with strangers; that came with trust. She had only known these people a week; she wasn't even sure if she was going to stay with them or not. (What would Christa think of them, when Clementine found her?) And now it all made sense; Nick had done a complete one-eighty compared to their first encounter, and now she knew why.
She hated being pitied. Had Pete pitied her too?
"Clem..?" Luke ventured gently. "Please, talk to me-"
"Goodnight, Luke." Clementine curled up against the rock, feeling vulnerable and exposed. She'd done everything to make sure the group knew she was a survivor, instead of some little kid to feel sorry for. She'd pulled her weight. She'd proven she was tough. And this whole time, she'd been a damn fool for thinking Luke would ever consider her an equal.
After a moment of silence came Luke's heavy reply. "... goodnight, Clem."
Clementine squeezed her eyes shut and started waiting for the sun to rise, because she sure as hell wasn't getting any sleep tonight.
~
When they set off again in the morning, Clementine drifted to the back of the group.
She felt safer, somehow, without anyone's eyes on her. She didn't know if anyone else had overheard her argument with Luke, but it was obvious they knew something was off. The others were walking on eggshells around her, which irritated her to no end, but it was better than pretending like everything was normal. Or worse; trying to get her to talk about it.
That was the last thing she wanted to do. Clementine didn't trust herself to not get emotional; her place in the group was already shaky, and exploding at them wouldn't help. Guilt gnawed at her conscience as she remembered the way she'd snapped at Luke. It wasn't his fault, not really; he'd just been in the wrong place at the wrong time.
And... she couldn't exactly blame him for being curious. Whatever she said must've piqued his interest in a morbid way; he hadn't wanted to believe it was true. But now he knew for sure, and was probably wondering how she had survived through it all.
Clementine lifted her gaze to the front of the group where Luke had, once again, taken the lead. She stared hard at the back of his head, like she could see through his skull and read his thoughts. She'd already confided part of her past in him, but what happened at the St. John's... she didn't even like to think about it herself. It was one of the worst things she'd ever been through, and it had completely altered Luke's view of her.
She wasn't ready for them to know. That came with time, and trust.
Why couldn't he understand that?
~
They'd been walking for several hours when Alvin's worried voice broke the silence.
"Bec, you okay?"
Clementine stopped just short of the couple. Rebecca was hunched over with arms hugging her stomach, her expression pained.
"Y- yeah, she's just kicking, that's all..." Rebecca panted, looking unsure. Her eyebrows were drawn together, her forehead beaded with sweat. "It's nothing."
"Luke, we gotta stop," Alvin gently took his wife by the arm and led her over to a toppled log, guiding her to sit down. "Bec needs to rest. You need to rest." He told her insistently, concerned.
Rebecca made a noncommittal noise. "Maybe just for a few minutes..." She relented.
"Alright," Luke squinted up at the sky. "We can break for lunch. Take ten, everyone..." He looked the group over, noting everyone's weary expressions. "Actually, on second thought, take twenty." He amended.
Everyone settled down gratefully. After quickly checking their surroundings, Clementine lowered herself to the ground, her muscles aching. Her hands were covered in callouses, and her foot was throbbing painfully.
"Hey, Clem?" She looked up to see Carlos approaching her, slinging his medical bag off his shoulder.
Clementine grimaced. "It is time again already?"
"I'm afraid so," Carlos said, kneeling down beside her. "I think we can go ahead and remove the stitches in your arm."
"Really?" Clementine glanced down at her forearm, inspecting the bandages. "Will it hurt?"
"It shouldn't," Carlos reassured her, carefully unraveling the blood-stained fabric. "You will feel a bit of a pull, though," He rummaged around in his backpack before coming up with a pair of scissors. "Ready?"
"I guess..." Clementine mumbled, eyeing the thick fishing line warily.
Carlos snipped the end off the stitches and slowly tugged the other end. Clementine's breathing hitched. The area was sensitive, but the sensation was more uncomfortable than painful. After a few seconds, Carlos held up the line with a smile.
"See? Nothing to it," Carlos tucked the fishing line away and pulled out the bottle of disinfectant. "Now we just need to clean it, bandage it, and it should be perfectly fine in a couple days. It will leave a scar, though."
Clementine shrugged, wincing as Carlos cleaned out the wound. "It doesn't bother me."
Carlos inclined his head, wrapping her arm in fresh bandages and folding the dirty ones away. "We're running low on bandages," He murmured, more to himself than Clementine. "If we find a river, maybe I can clean these and reuse them..." He finished tying them off and sat back. "There. Now comes the hard part."
Clementine swallowed thickly and nodded, watching mutely as Carlos began unwrapping the bandages around her leg. While it got easier to bear each time, it still wasn't fun. She sucked in a breath as the disinfectant seeped into the wound. Carlos moved quickly, giving her an apologetic smile. He started re-wrapping it, telling her that it was healing well and that the swelling would go down in a couple days.
When he finished, Clementine slumped against the tree, utterly exhausted. This trip had taken a lot out of her. Her eyelids fluttered shut. Maybe she could catch a quick nap before they set off again. Unfortunately, it seemed Carlos had another agenda.
"Uh, Clem..?"
She blinked up at the doctor warily. "Yeah?"
"I know you're tired right now, but I overheard you and Luke last night, and I think you should talk about it."
Clementine jolted upright, staring at Carlos in shock. She swallowed hard, her stomach dropping. It was bad enough Luke and Nick knew, but Carlos? There was still tension between them; he was civil, sure, but she couldn't help but get the feeling that she was just an inconvenience to him, and he was only putting up with her because he had to. But all of a sudden, he heard a tragic story from her past and thought he could act like he cared about her. And now he wanted her to talk about it? This was quickly getting out of hand; she didn't want this getting around.
She cast a quick look around her. No one else had noticed. Luke hadn't left his look-out post, gaze resting on the path ahead. Alvin and Rebecca were eating, and Nick had excused himself to use the restroom. Sarah was nestled against a tree stump, absorbed in her book. Clementine inhaled slowly and turned back to Carlos, setting her jaw.
"That's... none of your business," She said, her voice tight. "Okay? I don't want to talk about it."
"Which is exactly why you should," Carlos insisted. "It's not healthy to bottle things up. Besides, you're part of our group now. You can tell us anything."
"It's not a big deal, alright?" Clementine's voice pitched, and she sucked in a calming breath, dropping her tone. "Can you just drop it already?" She murmured, almost pleading.
"No, Clementine, I can't," Carlos said firmly, shaking his head. "You need to talk about it."
Clementine could feel her self-control slipping away, her gut churning with anger and inexplicable fear. "What, are you some kind of therapist now?" She spat, fighting to keep her voice level. "You barely know me! How could you possibly know what I need to do?"
"I know because I'm a father."
"Well, you're not my father!"
Carlos flinched, and Clementine realized she was standing, clutching her walking stick in her fist like a weapon. The rest of the group had noticed. Alvin and Rebecca were watching with wide eyes. Sarah looked somewhere between confused and terrified, clutching her book to her chest like a shield. Luke had left his post and was coming over, worry etched into his features.
Clementine dropped her arm in shock, leaning heavily against the tree, and folded her arms defensively, her throat tightening. She forced herself to relax, setting her jaw and throwing her glare from person to person, silently daring someone to say something. Carlos looked like he would take her up on that offer when someone else spoke.
"Woah, what's going on?" Nick, back from his bathroom break, stared at the toxic scene in confusion, hands raised defensively. "Did... did I miss something..?"
"I don't know, Nick, why don't you tell me?" Clementine said scathingly. "Matter of fact, why not just tell everyone?"
Nick's bewildered gaze darted to Luke, whose jaw tightened. "It's... I told her about what happened," He said carefully. "Back at the cabin a little while back?"
Eyes widening with realization, Nick glanced over at Clementine. "Oh... oh, Clem, fuck I- we didn't mean to-"
"It doesn't matter what you meant to do," Clementine hissed, hugging her arms around herself. "You know now."
"Clem," Luke stepped in to diffuse the situation. "You know as well as I do that a group has got to trust each other, alright? Keepin' all this to yourself... it's not healthy. You're hurtin' real bad, and you gotta open up about these things."
"Don't lecture me about trust, Luke," Clementine blinked tears from her eyes, and the realization that she was crying just made her angrier. "Like this is s- some.. up-standing g- group built on love and- and trust. I don't owe y- you guys anything! This group isn't shit; it's not a family!" Her voice was hoarse, and damn it all, Luke was right; she was hurting. "And you know what? I'm not even part of this group, I'm just here because I have nowhere else to go! Once I find Christa, I'll be glad if I never see any of you ever again!"
The words were hollow, filled with spite but no real truth. She forced them out anyways, each one stabbing into her like a knife. Some dark place inside her wanted to hurt them, like they hurt her. She just wanted to see the pain register in Luke's eyes. But there was none, just quiet resignation.
"Do you really mean that, Clem?" Luke asked gently.
She didn't. He knew she didn't. And that was enough for the floodgates to open.
"N-no..." Clementine sank to the ground, choking back a sob. "No, I don't- I didn't mean it, I didn't mean any of it, I'm s- sorry... I'm so sorry..."
Suddenly Luke was hugging her, and Carlos, and Nick and Alvin and Rebecca, and even Sarah joined, because even though she didn't understand what was going on she knew Clementine was hurting, and that was enough.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," She cried even harder. "I d- didn't mean it..."
"Shh, it's okay, Clem," Luke soothed her. "We know, we know."
"None of this is your fault." Carlos said quietly.
"Hey, now, it's alright." Alvin comforted her.
"I'm sorry, too," Rebecca murmured. "We're all sorry..."
"You're gonna be just fine, kid." Nick assured her.
"Y- yeah, Clementine, please don't cry." Sarah whispered.
Clementine smiled through her tears, nearly overwhelmed with the warmth and sincerity radiating from the group. She had been wrong before. They were a family. That was enough for her to make up her mind. "Back at the cabin," She took a shaky breath. "I... had a nightmare about something that happened when I was younger..."
"Clem, you don't have to-" Luke started, but Clementine waved him away.
"Everyone might as well know," She said quietly. "Besides, you don't know the whole story."
Luke's eyes softened, and he nodded.
"When I was eight," Clementine began again. "My group and I met some people. The St. John family. They were... nice. They were perfect, even, the answer to all our problems. They had this dairy farm that was protected by an electric fence. It was... safe... beautiful. Untouched, like everything was before. At least, we thought it was..."
Her breath caught, and Sarah gave her arm a squeeze, her eyes wide and frightened but full of strength.
"There were bandits in the woods," Clementine continued, shutting her eyes tightly. "They attacked us... one of us got hurt. Mark. They shot an arrow into his shoulder. He... it wasn't that serious. He would've been fine," Her voice shook. "Brenda, she- she took him inside, said she'd take care of him."
"Oh, god..." Nick muttered sympathetically. He knew what was coming next.
"They... they invited us to dinner," Clementine stared at the ground, her voice growing haunted. "I- I think Lee knew something was wrong. He snuck away, and... he found Mark. Or, what was left of him. They... they'd c- cut off his legs, a- and cooked them for dinner."
Several people gasped at once, and Clementine swallowed.
"Lee stopped me from eating, just in time," She said quickly, quelling that fear. "He told us what happened. Things.. escalated after that. Andy grabbed me, and Danny pulled his gun. They... they tried to defend themselves, what they were doing... they said that he would've died anyway, and they were just doing what they had to survive. It was sick," Clementine suppressed a shudder. "They were sick."
"What happened?" Carlos ventured, his eyes filled with horror.
"Mark," Clementine breathed. "He... made his way down the stairs."
She had glossed over some of the more grisly details, all too aware of Sarah beside her. She remembered the way Mark had dragged himself down the stairs, thump, thump, thump, and then the overwhelming smell of blood- and Brenda had just grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back upstairs like... like a misbehaving child. And the whole time Mark was just... moaning, begging for help, begging for death...
"The St. John's panicked," Clementine said, her throat tightening. "They knocked Lee out, took Katjaa and Duck and locked the rest of us in their meat locker. It was... terrible. Larry was yelling, and Lilly got sick... Kenny was going mad, separated from his family. I was so scared..." She inhaled slowly. "After Lee woke up, we tried to find a way out, but... Larry didn't make it. He had a heart attack. Lilly, his daughter... she tried to save him, her and Lee, but Kenny... before they could, he- he put him down."
Whenever she had nightmares about that night, it was always in the meat locker. That cold, cramped room flickering with fluorescent lighting, Larry's yells echoing off the walls... Kenny pacing back and forth like a caged animal, and the smell of blood and bile in the air...
Larry- a strangled gasp, a thud, and then nothing. Lilly's desperate pleas, falling on Kenny's deaf ears. Clementine had turned away, but she heard the sickening crack, and out of the corner of her eye saw the dark spray of red fleck the concrete floor, and she knew it was over.
"We managed to find a way out," Clementine pushed on, gritting her teeth. "Lee pulled the air vent off and I crawled through to... the room where it happened," She lowered her eyes. "After I let the others out, everything happened so fast... Lee killed them, all of them. Danny with a pitch fork, Andy with a gun. He.. he told me he had to do it, make sure that what happened to Mark wouldn't happen to anyone else, ever again."
She looked up at the group, taking in their horrified expressions.
"Oh my god, Clementine..." Rebecca looked stricken. "I- I'm so sorry you had to go through that."
"That's... just awful!" Sarah's eyes were full of tears.
"And you've just been... keepin' this to yourself..?" Alvin's eyes were wide. "That's a lot to carry."
Clementine bit her lip. "I... didn't want to talk about it before because that night, anything from my past, really... it reminds me of when I was younger and helpless. And with everything happening now... with my leg, I- I hate feeling helpless," She admitted. "I didn't want to think about it. And when I accidentally told you guys about it, I didn't want to deal with it," Clementine sighed. "I'm sorry, Luke... Nick... it wasn't your fault."
"Oh, Clem... don't worry about it," Luke said gently. "It wasn't fair of me to expect so much from you."
"I can understand wanting to keep something like that to yourself." Carlos agreed sadly.
"But... I- I guess you were right, Carlos, you and Luke both," Clementine said, her heart swelling with warmth. "I do feel better."
"Well, good. I'm proud of you," Luke smiled. "I know it must've been hard to open up like this, but I'm glad you did."
"And if you ever want to talk to us, don't hesitate," Carlos offered. "We're a group; you can tell us anything."
"I'll... keep that in mind." Clementine promised. She wasn't sure how much of her past she wanted to share with them, but she wasn't so scared of the prospect anymore, even though she knew it would be hard. It would all come in time, and whatever happened, she knew she could trust them.
It was... nice.
"Okay, everyone," Luke cleared his throat. "This had been nice and all, but I'm worried all this... activity might've attracted attention. We oughta get moving."
They all agreed, and when they set off again, Clementine walked next to Luke. He didn't say anything, but he wore an enormous grin for the rest of the day.