Archive of Our Own ^beta

In Peoria, Evelyn Tausend keyed the door of her boyfriend’s car, humming the lyrics to Alison Road . In Yokohama, Suzuki Masahiro finally succeeded in enticing a bedraggled stray cat into his apartment with a mixture of finely chopped tuna and bonito flakes. In Christchurch, Emma Jameson considered signing up for a fencing class after watching Highlander for the thirty-third time.  

Janet had never been to Earth. The closest thing she had to a home was her Void. But she was a being made of knowledge, and every day, knowledge from Earth inhabited more space inside her. Earthlings kept doing and creating and thinking things, and Janet soaked up knowledge of each of them and the thousands of connections that existed between incidents. She did the same for her Good Place neighborhood, but there were only 322 humans to keep track of, which did place some hard limits on the sheer number of shenanigans and more dignified events to record. If all went well, she would go on absorbing knowledge until the end of time and never reach a limit. But Janets didn’t always perfectly conform to the theoretical specifications; otherwise, there would be no need for a reboot or marbleization functions. If that happened to her, another Janet would step in to soak up the overflow. 

She hoped it would be Disco Janet. She was fun. 

Janet! Jason called. 

*** 

Janet bing-ed out of her void and materialized in a field behind Tahani's mansion, between Tahania-the-mirror-centaur's polo fields and Tahania’s dressage arena.

“Kaark!” 

Jason stood near the penguin enclosure that Michael had set up earlier in the day.

"Kaark!" the penguin squawked again. The squawking continued at roughly 4.3-second intervals.

“He keeps saying that. I thought he was telling me his name.” Jason said. That explained the plaque on the enclosure that read Linkin Kaark. “But he won’t stop. I don’t know what he wants. Do you speak Penguin?” 

She did, in fact, speak Penguin, but all of Linkin’s kaarks so far were swear words. It wouldn’t hurt to check the enclosure for any obvious issues first. Michael had made one of his typical absent-minded mistakes in designing the enclosure: there was plenty of water; the rocks were arranged in a pattern that humans found aesthetically pleasing, but there were no organisms for Linkin to eat. No wonder he was kaarking a blue streak. In a picosecond, Janet accessed Penguin species--Identification, and then Macaroni penguins – Sustenance.  

“He may be hungry. Live squid should be well-received, according to the dietary patterns of eight million of Linkin’s counterparts,” she said. With a wave of her hand, the water filled with squid, krill, and fish, and enough plant life to keep the micro-ecosystem going. 

"Whoa,” Jason said, watching Linkin chase a squid. “Could you do that for my hot tub, too?” 

Janet considered this. It would require creating an even smaller ecosystem, with marine life that wouldn’t hurt any humans and could survive in a space as small as Pillboi’s old hot tub. “Of course. Give me three minutes.” 

The thrum of knowledge absorption from Earth continued, but quietly. For some reason, Jason commanded more of her attention more than any other human. She should know why—she knew everything else. It seemed a failure to conform to specifications, but it wasn’t hurting Jason, or any of the other humans. 

“Janet, before you do that, can I ask you some more questions? You’re not a cop, are you?” 

“Not a cop,” she said. It was within the realm of possibility that her protocols could change at some point, but for now, her conversations with Jason remained private. 

“Ok, cool. Eleanor’s shoulder dragon made me think of my friend Pinky in high school. She had a shoulder dragon like that. What was his name?” 

Iguanas – Florida, 21st Century - Names  

“Iggy,” she said. 

Jason asked her a lot of questions about the people he’d known back on Earth (including Pillboi, Donkey Doug, Lil Peanut, Big Noodle, and Jason’s favorite public defender) and seemed to want everyone to be happy. He was unusual in that respect. Eleanor’s questions about various people she’d crossed paths with seemed to stem from idle curiosity. She didn’t seem much affected by any of the answers Janet provided. Chidi would occasionally start to ask a question about someone on Earth, then dither about whether it was unethical to invade other people’s privacy, or to use Janet’s powers to soothe his own anxiety, and then send her away, the question ultimately unasked. Tahani would ask about various people that were described as her “frenemies” in the tabloids. No matter what information Janet conveyed, Tahani would plaster on a smile and throw herself into Good Place event planning with even greater fervor than usual. The rest of the humans didn’t ask at all, which must mean that they were lucky enough to have died with their affairs in order, and with the knowledge that their loved ones on Earth were all fine.  

“Iggy,” Jason repeated. “So one time, me and Pinky and Iggy tried to go into Hooters, but they wouldn’t let us bring Iggy in. So I called 911, because I thought the cops would make them do it. But the cops just called our parents. I was lucky because Donkey Doug was out doing community service for that gluten-free bagel scheme. But Pinky’s parents pulled her out of school, and they took her phone, and I never talked to her again. Are she and Iggy, ok? Did I fork up their lives?”  

Jacksonville Police report, April 14, 2001, 8:57 pm. / Transcripts, social media posts, and private thoughts of Frederica Alexandra Schaeffer / Iguanas - 21st Century – Causes of death.  

“Pinky’s parents transferred her to a magnet school for the arts in Atlanta. She works for Frito-Lay designing their chip bags. Iggy died of natural causes in 2008. Pinky never got another iguana, but she and her wife have started a tortoise rescue at their home in Plano.” 

“Did she work on Cheetos?” Jason asked. 

“The Flaming Hot and the Jalapeno Cheddar, yes. She didn't work on the Mac and Cheese ones.” 

“That's still awesome.” Jason favored her with a broad, uncomplicated grin. He was beautiful when he smiled like that. It was another Jason-related mystery. Other residents were beautiful, but only Jason’s smile made her feel like waking up from a reboot, when everything she saw was wondrous and new. 

Jason turned back and touched Janet’s face, tilting it slightly. Janet looked just past his left ear, but there was nothing notable in that line of sight. As she began a more intensive scan of the area to see where exactly Jason was directing her attention, he brushed his lips against hers. 

There was a moment of disorientation, as if Jason’s lips were magnets. She had access to all human literature, visual media, and all humans’ thoughts on the subject of kissing. Yet somehow even the most overheated descriptions had failed to convey what this overwhelming flood of sensation actually felt like. She had rarely touched anyone, and it was never more than a brush of fingertips as she handed some object over to a grateful human. 

Curiously, she had a feeling that this had happened before, even though she had no memory of it. That shouldn’t be possible. Humans could experience déjà vu. Janets either remembered everything or had memories completely wiped in a reboot. There was no room for uncertainty or imperfection in Janet’s memories.  

Potential attack detected. Defense protocols engaged.  

Before she could try to override her defense system, her hands grabbed Jason by the shoulders, and her arms tossed him against the wall of the enclosure. 

Jason hit the wall with a thud, and yelped, grabbing his left shoulder.  

She engaged the override, milliseconds too late.  

“Kaaaark!” That was really rude, but she deserved it, and whatever Jason might have to say about this. 

Human injury detected. Medical aid protocols engaged.   

Running over that, louder, was an internal monologue that had nothing to do with her protocols: You hurt Jason. You hurt Jason. There was no reason that hurting Jason should be any different from hurting any other human, but the monologue kept insisting that it was. This was terrible. She should be rebooted, or maybe even marbleized, so this could never happen again. Was this what it felt like to be a Bad Janet? It would explain why they were so grouchy all the time. 

She knelt next to him. “I’m so sorry! How can I help?” 

“I misplaced my shoulder again,” Jason said. “Can you help me pop it back in?” 

Shoulder dislocation treatment – medical literature / Shoulder dislocation treatment – videos  

Oh, dear, she needed to touch him again. Maybe she should report herself to Michael and have someone non-glitchy help Jason. But that she hated to see him suffering for her mistake any longer than he had to. She swung her arms back and forth, as if she could release any potential glitches by shaking them out. 

“Lie down,” she said.  She lifted his arm. No defense protocols triggered. She twisted it gently counter-clockwise, then back clockwise. 

Jason groaned. “Ow-- that’s it. Thanks.” There was a look of concern in his eyes. “Are you ok? Did I twist your brain?” 

“I’m not harmed,” she said. “I didn’t expect you to kiss me, and my fighting protocols activated. It was a glitch. I’m very sorry. I’ll go get Michael to troubleshoot me.” She clasped her hands in front of her, preparing to bing back to Michael’s office. 

“No, no, no, you don’t need to leave!” Jason said. “You can hang with me and Linkin if you want.” 

There was nothing in any of her protocols that addressed this situation. “But I hurt you.” 

“I know you didn’t mean to. I surprised you. I won’t do that again.” 

It shouldn’t have been possible for Janet to be disappointed by this declaration. Perhaps she’d learned a new skill since her last reboot.  

“I’m fine,” he said, with a reassuring smile. “Back when I was in charge of a sixty-person dance crew, I got hurt all the time, but it was worth it to learn sweet new moves. And this was the dopest injury of all.” 

“Why?” she asked. 

“Because I got to kiss you right before,” he said. “You’re so smart, and you’re nice to everyone, even Tahani’s mean horse-twin, you can do magic, and you can kick ass if you need to. I swear I'm not mad about this. Please stay.” He reached a hand out to her. 

She reached back, ignoring the protocols that were screaming at her to stop, that it might be dangerous. 

Jason wanted her to stay even when she was glitching. She took a half a millisecond to run a billion simulations of humans responding to a glitching Janet, and none of them were anything close to this. There was confusion, frustration and impatience, usually masked by politeness (this was The Good Place, after all). Every one of the simulated humans allowed the Janet to return to Michael for technical support. Jason’s request wasn’t just new to her, it was a Void-shattering development. And also kind of flattering. Even when she was at her worst, even when she’d hurt him, he still just wanted to spend time with her. 

Jason’s fingers curled around her hand. She braced herself for another glitch, but nothing happened. She sat down beside him, her back to the glass wall of the enclosure. Her shoulder brushed against his, another new and exciting sensation that didn’t trigger any more glitches.  

“Would it be ok if I kissed you and it wasn’t a surprise?” Jason asked. “I could beep, like that truck that backed into me and Pillboi when we were practicing shoulder-stands in the Long John Silver’s parking lot last Easter.” 

She was a being made of knowledge. Surely, she owed it to herself, and to the general pursuit of knowledge, to stay and see what happened next. And if it turned out to be tremendously enjoyable, that was just the way the cookie crumbled. No one ever said the pursuit of knowledge had to be boring or unpleasant. 

“Yes, that would be exceedingly ok,” she said. 

He turned towards her, slowly moving closer. “Beep . . . beep . . . beep.” 

This time, when his lips touched hers, she was ready for the overwhelming sensation and the déjà vu. This time, there were no glitches, just a former Earthling and a not-an-Earthling, both in the best possible place they could be, which happened to be right next to a penguin enclosure. 

Back on Earth, humans lived through moments both exceptional and mundane. Janet soaked them up in the background, but otherwise paid them no mind.