Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

t- why in relationships with a height difference does the shorter person always have to stand on their toes? why doesn't the taller person squat ever?

k- u want me to get on my knees before i kiss you and bart?

t- and?

t- are you implying you're going to kiss us both at the same time?

k- not if u dont wanna

c- i think the taller person should bend in half

k- what if i dont want to bend in half to kiss my boyfriends?

c- i meant cissie should bend in half to kiss me

c- but you also deserve to be humbled

b- did you guys know there’s a sex toy called the humbler?

b- don’t remember what it does exactly, but i think it goes across the back of a guy’s thighs to keep him on his keeps

b- and it like stretches his balls so any small movement hurts SO MUCH

b- i dont know if that counts as a sex toy actually

b- i think that might just be bdsm gear

b- what’s the difference between bdsm gear and sex toys?

b- something can be both, right?

b- like a spiked dildo would probably count as bdsm and a sex toy?

k- i dont think a spiked dildo would be safe to use

t- but stretching your balls is totally safe?

c- hey bart

b- hi

b- im ordering pizza anyone want any?

t- yeah get my regular please

k- pepperoni please

c- hawaiian

b- got it

b- pizzas here come get some

b- the 8 boxes of cheese are for me

k- thanks

t- someone bring me mine?

t- im making a breakthrough in this case

c- the one you've been working on for three months?

t- noooo

t- no headway there

t- ive been on this bad boy for a year and a half

k- i can be your bad boy, tim ;)

t- bring me my pizza and ill spank you or whatever if you want

c- jesus fucking christ guys

k- shut up, like you dont hear worse in the kitchen

c- ive SEEN WORSE in the kitchen and i still HATE IT

c- i dont put you idiots in a group chat with me, cissie and suzie

t- if you care so much, go live with them

k- you want a few slices or the pizza pie?

t- whole pie

t- anyone free to go over this case with me in a few minutes? i could use a fresh pair of eyes

c- yeah sure

k- ugh

k- oh great, i dont have to get roped into that

t- its actually pretty interesting

k- dont care!

k- im gonna go find bart and make out with him

c- KON

t- sounds good

t- bite his lip a little for me

c- me too

k- you got it 😎👉👉

t- thanks for pizza kid

k- np rob

c- gods this pizza is so good

b- it really does fuck sluts

b- also pleade dont bite my lip

b- i HATE it when you do that

b- it always hurts more than its worth

b- you use too much force and tim uses his pointy teeth and those ALSO hurt

t- it fucks sluts?

k- it fucks sluts

c- you heard the man

t- oh kay

t- cassie get in here and go over my case with me

c- ok ok

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b- the fabric of reality is like a sweater

c- what?

k- explain

b- hold the thread while i run away and it unravels

t- are you fucking quoting weezer?

b- 🔫🍅

t- how many times do i have to explain to you that you cant just send emojis and expect us to know what they mean in interlac

k- how the fuck is that interlac??

t- the gun is the same shape as the interlac letter “n” and i presume the tomato is an “o”?

b- 👾🔫🐍

t- DONT USE THE SAME LETTER TWICE YOU SUCK

c- bart what did you even do to time?

k- oh actually dont worry about that, me and him got it sorted

c- ???

k- we unfucked the timestream its all good

t- what the hell happened?

k- WE

k- UN

k- FUCKED

k- TIME

k- jeez rob, keep up

c- were you perchance who fucked it in the first place?

k- can me and bart be blamed if we wanted to give each other biblical-themed blow jobs

c- what does that mean?

t- did you meet fucking jesus?

k- well if we did, hes not good at head. is all im saying

t- YOU FUCKED JESUS CHRIST?

c- i need to lay down

c- what was wrong with jesus's throat game?

k- bart said he used waaay too much teeth

k- for me, he kept grabbing my feet and trying to interlock his fingers with my toes

k- IT WAS WEIRD

t- is this technically heresy?

t- does it count if its true???? 

c- was your goal with time traveling that far back to fuck j-mans throat?

k- nah

k- we wanted to see if people actually made bread with rocks in it

k- then we wanted to see if the bible was right

t- you're fucking jewish conner

k- half jewish, technically

k- and i have like noo first hand knowledge abt any of that stuff

k- lex raised me christian and cadmus raised me atheist

t- fucking hell

k- listen, you're technically a better jew than me

t- IM NOT EVEN JEWISH

c- isn't bruce?

t- yes, but

k- your family is jewish bro

t- HOW LONG DID YOU LIVE WITH THE KENTS?

t- THEY'RE FUCKING JEWISH

k- non practicing my good bitch

c- wait can we go back to jesus and his abysmal sloppy

k- yes

t- fuck.

k- jesus didn't gag on me which i thought was interesting

t- thats so interesting actually

c- i do not want to know how big conner dick is

t- my limit before i choke is typically around 6.5, what do you think his is then? 10?

c- TIM

k- idk but he took all of me and still was able to play with my feet

k- all 12 inches

c- shut up you idiot

t- yeah he's lying there

t- he's 7.2 exact

c- what the fuck, tim

Chapter Text

k- ever piss so hard you feel it on ur thighs?

c- sometimes

t- kill thyself

k- wtf tim

t- stop being a freak and go to bed

k- ok which one of us stared at a picture of wonder womans tits for 3 hours straight this week because he could "see her heart beating" IN A STILL FUCKING PHOTO

t- in my defense

t- i had gone almost 16 hours without sleep

k- im also not even at home

c- tim you

c- okay first of all thats like my cousin/aunt you little creeps

c- second, 16 hours? thats not a very large number, tim

t- IM ALWAYS SLEEPY FUCK YOU

t- i only get like 2 hours at a time

b- you need some seroquel

t- thanks bart

b- it seriously knocks me out for 12 hours straight

t- thanks bart

k- oh hey bart when i get back from girls day with cissie do u wanna play house of ashes?

b- no probably not

c- kon its not a girls days if its just you and my girlfriend

k- i beg to differ

t- youre not a girl?

k- hey!

k- i could so be a chick if i wanted

k- ive got great shoulders like one

t- i mean sure, you could, but youre not

c- kon if you're trans you can just tell us that

k- im not

c- okay so then ITS NOT A GIRLS DAY

k- cissie is disagreeing with you btw

k- hold up shes tajibg my ohobe

k- It's less about who is a girl, and more about the vibes of the day

t- hey cissie

k- Hi!

c- hi cissie

k- Hi!! <3 <3 <3

c- im not saying i disagree, but girls day is typically a day spent with girls

k- He is! I'm the girl!

k- And besides, he's hardly a man.

t- what are you even doing

k- Right now we're in a food court at a mall :D

k- Oh hes taking his his phone ba

t- wb kon

c- BYE CISSIE

k- i’ll be home in like 2 hours probably

k- you guys think im a cool guy, right?

b- no

t- eh

c- sure, kon

k- ???????

k- im a guy and im cool, right?

b- which part are you getting tripped up on? is it the guy part or the cool part? only you can decide if youre a guy or not and you definitely arent cool

b- like if you wanna experiment with gender im sure me and tim and cassie will help you out and obviously were all going to support you no matter what

b- but that doesnt mean we can really help very much

b- ill wear skirts with you if you want

b- but if we wear skirts you HAVE to fuck me before we take them off

b- im not wearing a skirt just so you can stare at my ass when i bend over and see my junk when i stop running just so you can not rail me against a wall

t- i also want to wear skirts, if we’re wearing skirts

t- i want to be involved

b- u have the same waistline as me, you can borrow mine if u lend me a crop top

t- sure!

c- this is very cute but DEAR GOD BART

b- shrug

k- thanks guys

k- if i wasn’t entirely a guy that wouldn’t change anything?

t- it better not lol because that would make stuff a little awkward for me

k- why?

t- well im not entirely a guy

t- i wouldn’t say im genderfluid but im definitely not entirely a cis guy

k- wait what?

t- yeah i

t- oh… i forgot to tell you guys…

c- yeah tim, you forgot to tell us about that

b- that’s cool!

b- idk if im entirely a guy just really gay or if im like kinda not just a guy or if none of it even matters

b- my gender is gay

t- retweet

k- i think my gender is “women” but like not as a woman, y’know

t- no

b- no

c- actually i think you’re onto something there kon

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t- just witnessed a gotham gazette written abt my brother calling him a "car guy"

t- this so called journalist should be shot

t- in public

k- good fucking morning i guess?

c- hey tim

c- what the fuck

t- ikr

c- which brother?

t- jason

b- oh so they're like REALLY scraping the bottom of the barrel

t- fuxj off

t- but yes

t- like yeah he has never seen a naked woman in his life

t- but that doesn't mean he likes cars, of all things

k- i didn't know gotham even knew abt jason

k- like publicly

t- he was the first kid legally adopted, ofc they know abt him numbnuts

c- calm down jesus christ

t- fuck you

t- im MAD

t- he doesn't know a battery from a spark plug

k- theres no way that's true

t- okay, its not

t- but STILL

t- he doesn't even own a fucking car

b- uh huh totally

b- yep so frustrating i agree

b- anyway can we move onto my thing now?

t- what's your thinf?

c- ^

b- OKAY SO

b- say i had sex with leonardo di vinci, what then?

k- what?

t- bart.

b- anal to be precise

b- say i let him fuck me, almost 6 inches deep and for almost two hours, would that be bad of me?

t- yeah dude, messibg with time is always bad

c- why did u fuck leo?

b- well i heard he fucked young twinks

b- so i wanted to see

b- if that true

b- also idk maybe be his student too and learn some shit about art and engineering

t- did you?

b- oh yeah i came almost six times and he came inside me twice

b- im actually still cleaning up rn

c- FUCK BART STOP TYPING

t- DID YOU STUDY UNDER HIM

k- you can tell me abt it later bro

b- of course bro

b- uhh kinda?

b- i gave him tips on a plane but my Italian was kinda crap

b- so it didn't go over too well

b- he did draw me!!

t- hold on

c- bart

t- did he already have sketches for a plane or did you give them?

b- nah he had NONE which i thought was werid bc like 

b- as far as i remember he designed a bnuch of stuff like ya knwo

b- so i needed to save time and give him some tips so he could design some shit

b- hurt time by fucking him, save time by 

b- oh

b- wait

k- DUDE

b- …

b- i may have influenced time

t- jesus fucking christ

b- NO

b- i would NOT fuck jesus

b- he is certifiably a Bad Lay

k- true

k- he’s a freak and not in a good way

t- stop fucking talking, both of you

c- bart please dear god stop fucking historical figures

b- what?? why??

k- at least bring me with

b- french revolution themed puppy play

c- STOP TELLING ME THESE THINGS

k- no we havent done that yet, he was proposing that

c- I DONT WANT TO FUCKING KNOW

t- cassie it’s pride month, you’re not being anti-kink in pride month?

c- i’ll do you one better and be homophobic by murdering all three of you fucking perverts

k- that is actually kinda homophobic

t- yeah, calling gay men perverts? what are you, a conservative?

c- next time we go up against harm i’m letting him kill you

t- we took him down?

k- cassie what fucking planet are you living in?

c- im in our livingroom, which btw, none of you guys are home!

c- i even made dinner

c- AND suzie is on her way

c- we were going to have a movie night but no one is here >:[

t- oh, yeah. i mean, i’m in gotham but i can make it in four hours

k- im a couple galaxies over rn

k- keli wanted to go exploring and GL told me she needed super vision

b- SUPER vision :D

t- ill kill you

t- i swear to god

Chapter Text

c- if someone tells me to, say, “tone it down”

c- am i in the wrong for telling them to “choke on an eel and die like a sick dog”?

k- no

t- hm

t- what did they tell you to tone down?

c- does it matter?

k- yes

t- yes

c- ugh

c- alright

c- it was about my pants

t- LOL

c- ??

k- the circus pants?

c- NO

c- THATS NOT WHAT THEYRE CALLED

t- the clown quilt?

c- SHUT UP

k- ok yeah they’re wrong and deserved to be told to castrate themself with a pencil sharpener

t- h

t- heh???

t- HUH??

k- im serious

k- NOBODY tells you what to do or how to dress

k- that’s like. lex luthor levels of evil dumbassery

t- is it??

c- THANK YOU

c- diana told me i over reacted and shouldn’t have said that

c- i should have just punched their throat

t- hmmmm

t- yeah

t- i can agree with that

k- your gay ass just doesnt want to diagree with wonder woman

t- you’re the womandnewe f mym hearrrrrrrrrrr

k- stroke?

c- stroke.

t- shuttt uppppp

t- im double typing

t- on my case

c- oh yeah

c- he wasn’t lying the other day, it actually was interesting

c- there’s a new player in gotham who has been shipping cool little figurines of ballet dancers in wooden shipping crates and

k- dont care

t- :( 

c- rude

k- let me guess

k- it was a perverted old short man who is probably not very hot who graduated GU with a phd in ceramics or some shit to build animatronics and he’s going to slowly kidnap people and turn them into a living ballet where they’re hung on strings house of wax/the devil in me style

k- and he calls himself “the conductor” or “the dance instructor” and his real name is either conrad or danny

t- …

t- we don’t know what he looks like

t- and technically he calls himself “ballet-master” but we have been calling him “the conductor”

k- THATS EVEN DUMBER

k- call me if you need a hand

k- or someone to solve everything for you

t- lame

c- that was actually eerily accurate for a guess

k- everyone in gotham is a cliche

t- not true

t- im original

b- says the third robin

c- hi bart

k- THANK YOU

t- bye bart

b- burgngr or taco lunch?

k- burger

c- burger

t- taco

t- you ppl are insane

k- he’s going to get taco bell, not actual tacos

t- taco bell is the best

c- kys

k- ^

t- FINE

t- MAYBE I WILL

b- nooooooo

b- ill get you tacos

t- yay

t- and a kiss

b- dont push your lucj

k- cmere and i’ll kiss you

t- you’re staying in smallville right now though

k- and that’s stopping you, pussy?

t- i guess i could steal a jet

t- alright fuck it, on my way

b- i’ll be there with the food as soon as they’re done making it

b- it should be illegal to call this fast food

c- please leave a big tip

b- oh yeah

b- k omw

Chapter Text

c- i still like my new pants

k- SHUT UP ABOUT THE PANTS ALREADY

t- they’re ugly :( 

c- CAN YOU TWO ASSHOLES BE NICE FOR ONE MINUTE

c- JUST ONE

b- no

c- they’re fun pants

c- stop being assholes

c- jesus christ

c- i should leave this dumb group chat

t- you cant

c- what?? 

t- im serious

k- hold on i just tried

k- wtf

k- it

k- it wont work

t- why are you trying to leave, kon?

k- your vibes are stinky and yucky

c- WTF

c- WHY CANT I LEAVE

t- i coded it so you cant

t- i didn’t want to risk the confidentiality of this chat

c- let me get this straight

c- you LEFT the “leave group” button

c- you just DISABLED its FUNCTION?!

t- couldn’t risk rousing anyones suspicions.

k- whose??

c- are you doing coke?

k- crack?

t- no

t- just adderall and monster energy

b- monster

c- hi bart

k- hi bart

t- hi bart

k- tim you’re a freak

t- thnak you?

t- you guys know me

t- you can also just uninstall the app or stop checking if you want

c- why won’t it uninstall either??

t- hehe

k- bitch

t- okay i MAY have disabled that function too

c- THEN WHY WOULD YOU

t- it was a funny prank

t- hey bart can you help take me back to 2008 i need to check somethign in africa

b- where

k- dude

k- he’s banned in 4 african countries 2001-2010. you know this.

t- yeye

t- it’s not kenya, sudan, ethiopia or madagascar

c- wait

c- back up

b- i made a stampede, i made a crop circle by accident, i accidentally kneecapped the english colonization efforts, and was thought to be an evil spirit in one

b- not necessarily in that order

t- yeah

t- i need to go to around the mesopotamia area

b- that’s west-asia you dumb bitch

k- haha idiot doesnt know where mesopotamia is

t- you can’t find seattle on a map of the united states

k- BECAUSE I GO PLACES OFF PLANET AND IT’S HARD TO KEEP TRACK OF EVERYTHING

k- YOU TELL ME WHERE THRAX-AL’UXYWA IS LOCATED ON JANADA MOOLA

c- he’s speaking simlish

t- two galaxies left of krypton

b- there’s no left in space

k- dumbass

b- why do u wanna go to west asia in 2008?

t- because my parents told me they had a big dig come up suddenly in november of that year and i need to know if they were lying or just didn’t want to spend thanksgiving together

b- sometimes… its better not to know

b- im sorry

k- oh shit

t- bart, please

t- i need this

b- no

b- you need to say goodbye

b- just thats not something i can helpy ou with

b- i mean

b- i could

b- but it’s really bad

b- you could turn your current self into burnt soup

k- and i would still love you, tim

t- would you?

t- would you still love me if i was a burnt soup? because you’re not helping me

k- well

k- i kinda agree with bart

t- oh so NOW you care about time

k- i dont

k- i care about YOU

b- yeah

b- where are you? im gonna come hug you

t- 42.906500,-79.757781

c- canada??

t- mind your business