Chapter Text
It wasn't until Harry opened his eyes to the dim light of morning and the persistent buzzing of his alarm that he realised he'd finally managed to fall asleep. He slapped a hand over the clock to shut off the alarm before rolling over and staring up at the ceiling, already thoughts of Eggsy returning flooding through his mind to pick up right where he'd left off.
It was enough motivation to get him out of bed promptly, and Harry went through his morning routine with an energy he hadn't had in weeks. He was dressed and out the door with coffee in hand with minutes to spare for once, and by the time he arrived at HQ, he was unusually early.
Harry visited his office, checked his messages, and took care of the more tedious aspects of spy work until it was nearly lunch time, at which point he tidied up and headed straight for Merlin's office.
The door unlocked promptly as soon as Harry rapped, admitting him inside. For once, Merlin looked openly curious. "I take it something notable happened yesterday? Beyond the rather picturesque outing. Drama and aesthetics are all very much your forte but not much of a reason to come here looking like you've been hunted." At another glance, Merlin noted the shadows around his friend's eyes and stood. "You look like you could do with a spot of coffee. Or another, if you've already had one."
Harry shot Merlin an open grin before he managed to subdue it. "That would be much appreciated, thank you." He felt like he was half nerves. Usually he took a seat or they went out for food, but all Harry could do was stand. "And you're quite right, something did happen yesterday." Harry followed Merlin's back as he went to pour grounds in the coffee pot and felt the weight of his own words before he spoke them. He was sure that Merlin was just waiting for him to be done with his dramatic opening, but Harry couldn't help it. He felt like this deserved the emphasis. "Eggsy's told me he wants to move back in."
Merlin straightened. Harry didn't often get to see him surprised, but the pause in his movements told Harry just how thoroughly Merlin's thoughts had derailed at that admission. "He did what? I knew that he was considering a great many things and feeling pressured to act quickly, but I didn't think that would translate into something so... unexpected."
Merlin blinked and looked Harry over, a frown gradually creeping back into his features. "Tell me you've not put all your hopes on this. We may not even know what Eggsy is thinking when he's suggesting moving back."
Harry shook his head. He wanted to grimace and smile at the same time, one part of him warring against the other and it must have looked like a very confused expression because Merlin continued to watch him closely. "I know. I do. He even warned me about that. It was the very first thing he said, that it wasn't going to be like it had been before...." Harry's nerves calmed as he spoke, remembering Eggsy's careful insistence at the time like Eggsy was there, saying it all over again. "It isn't a definite thing yet. He wants to come back--he said he doesn't feel like he can talk to his new family openly and...well...I'm sure there are other reasons that have to do with how he feels about me--but he wants to make up a list of rules first."
"That's to be expected. He's had enough of his boundaries being violated. He wants to be able to set his limits and test if you'll respect them." Merlin turned back to the coffeepot briefly, finishing the tasks necessary to start a pot brewing. Once the green light came on, her drifted back towards his desk, leaning against the front of it instead of resuming his seat. "He's very conflicted about you. I'm becoming more and more convinced that he wants to heal the rift, just as you do, but if you show signs of pushing him and pressuring him towards that end, he may leave again. You can't let your feelings get the better of you in this."
Harry nodded, feeling the tiredness he'd been avoiding begin to sink in. "I know. That's...been very clear. If I do anything out of bounds, he's gone." His eyes fixed on the coffee pot rather than on Merlin. "But even if nothing more comes of it, I would still like to have him back in the house. Back on good terms." Harry's voice grew quieter as he imagined it. Having Eggsy living there, close maybe occasionally, even in only innocent ways, that wouldn't be so bad. Eggsy had wanted more on a few occasions since he'd been back in Harry's orbit, but Harry knew that didn't necessarily mean those encounters would continue. "If I can just have him happy to be in my presence again, that would be something."
"Are you sure you'd be satisfied with that? I don't mean that in a belittling way. Some people simply cannot deal with having an object of intense emotions and desire right beside them and knowing that they'll never have anything more." The coffee maker chimed, and Merlin turned to fill them a pair of mugs. "You were not content with watching him at a distance before."
"I don't know," Harry admitted. "I feel like I am at this point, but I remember what it was like watching him all the time and not being able to get any closer. On the other hand, if he grows out of wanting anything more from me, that is what I'd anticipated might happen years ago, no matter how painful it might be. Even if he never found out about me and none of this happened, I knew there was a high likelihood he'd move on eventually and that it would not be easy to watch him leave. I had always hoped that if that happened, we'd remain close in other ways still."
Merlin handed Harry a mug and, after a moment, rested a now-empty hand on his friend's shoulder. "I know better than to try dissuading you from trying this. Either of you, point in fact. All for the better that Eggsy is the one suggesting it and at the helm, particularly for trying to heal old scars between you. I would prefer that you be careful and come talk to me about this, for the duration. You're too emotionally close to everything to be able to pick up on your blind spots, and I worry that you'll make a rash decision that ends up being the wrong one. You tend to go with instinct when backed into a corner and, while it serves you well in the field, I don't think it will go well where Eggsy is concerned."
Harry nodded and let himself lean into the touch as though Merlin were steadying him. "I know I'll take you up on that." Harry knew that he would need that advice. He took a sip of his coffee and offered Merlin a small smile. "Even Eggsy mentioned asking you for your thoughts, by the way. I wasn't sure if he'd bring it up with me, but I think it was a good sign that he did. It could have been a one-off, but I suppose we'll find out if he calls you up again."
"I suppose we will, but I'm not hedging my bets on it. Once was quite a surprise, but more than once and I'd have to ask you what you're telling him to get him to engage with me." Merlin shrugged and raised his own mug. "My own suspicions are that Eggsy had no one else to turn to, aside from you. He was concerned and wanted input, but knew very well that no one else would have answers or be safe to confide in except the only other person who was already informed."
Harry gave a tight lipped smile and nodded. "That's probably true. Although, maybe I'm imagining it, but he seemed a little less insistent on verbally tearing you down lately." With a sigh, Harry pulled over his usual chair and sank down. He was more tired than he realised, even if his thoughts continued to keep him from feeling the full effects of it. "I'm going to have to talk to the Wilsons next. After I meet with Eggsy to go over these rules, that is. But I'm thinking about telling them that I, as his former case supervisor, am the one adopting him. I know that sounds risky, but I think in the context of the story we've given them, it would make sense and might allow them to worry less than if we were to say Eggsy was moving on to another stranger's home."
Merlin considered for a moment and slowly nodded. "That might be for the best. While they may voice concerns about conflicts of interest and power differentials, they're now familiar with the fact that you've known Eggsy for some time. They're going to want to know why you didn't adopt him before this, but the alternative is dealing with their concern regarding Eggsy going off with strangers and why they were found unsuitable for fostering and adopting him."
"My thoughts exactly. My hope is that it won't seem too suspicious and will weigh on their minds less. It would also be good if we could attempt to line something up for them with another foster child soon after. Not too soon, just...soon enough for them to be thoroughly occupied if they'd like to try again, and less interested in checking in on Eggsy very often." Harry didn't think Eggsy would disapprove of that type of string-pulling, and when he'd suggested as much, the boy hadn't argued. He knew Eggsy might feel guilty, but it would probably be easier on the boy than leaving the Wilsons worried.
"That can be arranged. I'm sure they'll still want to see Eggsy every now and then, but if they become preoccupied with an adopted child of their own, they'll gradually forget to check in as often. Unfortunately it's now inconvenient that the Wilsons happen to be located so close by, instead of across the city. Far more opportunity for them to drop by until they're suitably distracted." Merlin looked up, met Harry's gaze, and got an unspoken answer without ever needing to broach the question. Eggsy would be unhappy if the Wilsons had an accident or disappeared, and he'd know precisely whom to blame. "I suppose I can see if we have any contacts with prime real estate or job opportunities to... persuade them to pick up stakes and move house at some point."
"That would be...preferable. If they remained in the area and happened upon us out and about, it likely wouldn't lead to too much trouble, but it would be better for all of us if that didn't happen." Harry was fairly sure that although Eggsy liked the Wilsons enough, he wasn't exactly keen to continue seeing them on a regular basis, which they might offer if it was still convenient for them to do so. "I suppose we can make arrangements for that over the next week or two. I imagine I'll meet with Eggsy to talk about these new rules soon and we'll go from there."
Merlin went silent. That wouldn't be unusual in and of itself but for how attuned Harry was. It was the wrong moment for silence. He raised his eyes and noted how carefully Merlin was avoiding looking directly at him. "I imagine Eggsy will want a lot more control over the environment around him, if he's to move back in."
"He might want to turn the cameras off for good," Harry concluded. It was almost a foregone conclusion really. Eggsy already demanded they were off whenever he visited, and although Merlin had access to them otherwise, Eggsy cared less about that because he had access as well. Once he moved in, he wouldn't need it anymore, and he would want them off. Harry rubbed at his temple, not liking what this was going to do to his friend, but he couldn't think of a way around it if Eggsy had the final say.
"More than even that, he may decide he doesn't appreciate my presence beyond the cameras. He's been less than pleased with us conversing, particularly about him, and he wasn't fond of my visits even before he knew what our friendship and working relationship entailed." Being cut off would be nearly as bad as Harry outright being told that they weren't allowed to interact anymore. Merlin remembered well how engulfed Harry had become when Eggsy had lived with him before. The boy's return would mean that Harry would essentially be living in a blackout zone going forward.
Harry went quiet. That was one thing he wasn't sure if he could do for Eggsy. He'd tried so hard to tell the boy that, and he'd hoped it had gotten through. Eggsy had had so many complaints about Merlin and yet he'd never outright asked Harry to restrict contact. If Eggsy thought these rules might be the right time to ask that from him.... Harry shook his head. "If he asks that the two of you don't see each other any longer, it would be inconvenient, but we might be able to make it work. If he asks that I break contact with you...I don't know that I'd be able to agree to that." Harry could feel Merlin watching him. "Based on his conversations with me before, I think he already suspects as much, although I can't say that being able to negotiate our new terms might embolden him to try."
"He'll still insist that I not be able to see or hear anything in the house, even if he doesn't insist on full cut contact." And Harry would agree. Merlin knew he would. Blinding him wasn't as thoroughly crossing a line as cutting contact altogether, for Harry. It wasn't as dire for Merlin either, but it came damn close.
Harry frowned. From what he could tell, Eggsy's last conversation with Merlin had gone better than they usually did, but he had to agree that Eggsy showed no inclinations of letting Merlin watch him in his own residence again. "Whatever we negotiate, he and I are going to have to make arrangements for the both of us." Harry searched for the right words. "If he stays in the guest room like he said he wants to, then I might be able to leave the cameras on in the areas of the house that are mine alone...the office, the bedroom.... I know it's not much, but I can try."
"I would appreciate it. Anything at all." Merlin was, on the whole, difficult to offend in most conventional ways, but the situation couldn't help but dredge up old resentment. He had so little in his life, and what he did have was being taken away again. One of Merlin's many flaws was caving to possessive and territorial feelings, and the current situation was a struggle. Eggsy and Merlin both needed Harry in different ways, but Merlin was feeling the threat of what he thought of as his own being wrested from him by no more than a few words uttered from a youthful mouth.
"I understand." And Harry did. For a long time he'd been trying to keep some form of balance between Merlin and Eggsy and it was not easy. The two had such opposing motivations that the only real solution had been for them to avoid one another and just interact with Harry. But Merlin was right. If Eggsy moved back into Harry's home, then Merlin would be forced out. The only thing Harry could think of doing was...coincidentally helped by the space Eggsy had wanted to keep to himself. If Harry's spaces were his alone, then he should be able to do with them as he pleased. He just hoped Eggsy would see it that way. "If he agrees to this, he might just turn his own room into a wasteland in retaliation, you know." Harry grimaced.
"I hope that isn't the case, but I wouldn't put it past him." Abruptly, Merlin regretted it all. The impulse was nonsensical, as Harry's collision course with Eggsy had been what had prompted them to become closer beyond their working relationship, but Merlin couldn't help it. Though it was too late to tell now, he wondered if he might not have been happier had he remained closed off and never known that he could have and enjoy such a close friendship.
Harry shrugged. "I suppose I'll find out if I find crude murals on the walls after the first week." He offered a small smile but didn't find it helped much, so instead he finished his coffee. Harry wanted to encourage Eggsy to talk to Merlin again, but he suspected that if Eggsy did so at Harry's bidding, it wouldn't be for the right reasons and they would very likely fight again. When Eggsy had done it because he needed something from Merlin, it had gone better. Which meant that Harry had no real control over that, besides inviting Merlin into his own life. Merlin likely suspected the same, and he did not look happy.
"Have you considered the rest of the arrangements, now that Eggsy is planning to move back in? A different tutor will have to be secured, or the boy will have to be enrolled in a private program to continue to get him caught up. He will likely want to be more independent this time around and have his own transportation and income at his disposal." Merlin didn't doubt that Eggsy would chafe against anything that hinted at control or restriction. He wasn't simply heading towards his rebellious teenage years, but also processing his insecurities and grudges at the same time.
"I've thought about giving him the decision to move into a private program just to get out of the house occasionally, but if we're above board about myself 'adopting' him with the Wilsons, then I don't see why it would be too much of a stretch to tell the current tutor as well. It isn't out of the question they could speak in the future." Harry sighed. He was usually fine with strangers inside his home, even if he didn't have many, but Eggsy might be uncomfortable being back at first, and that might show. "As for the rest, I believe it isn't so uncommon for children to have an allowance as they get older, and he's proven perfectly capable of using public transportation."
"True enough, but while Eggsy is used to public transport, he's also used to not being treated as a child. You'll have to take care that any allowance isn't interpreted as a parental indulgence, or a form of monetary control or bribery. And while the adoption will appear perfectly legitimate, you may wish to reassess the security risk the tutor might represent. All it takes is a bit of carelessness, and Eggsy's going to be concentrating on his lessons instead of paying attention to any small tells he might be giving off. His tutor will have ample experience to compare Eggsy's behaviours at the Wilsons' house to how he behaves in your own."
"True. That comparison could be obvious." Harry frowned. "I'll have him take some time away from his studies 'for the move' and let him get comfortable, gauge how he might behave in that space. And no, I do not want to suddenly start acting like a parent. I don't think he would react well to that, either." Harry's frown took on an edge of resigned amusement. Mostly at himself. "All three of us know that in the end, I'll buy him whatever he wants, really. But maybe if he has money of his own set aside to spend, he won't feel so dependent on me."
"I would agree with that. Particularly coming from an impoverished background, as he is, dealing with scarcity from his mother's house and then when he was on the run. It will take time for him to lose a sense of... defensiveness and anxiety around his finances and what leverage that might give you over him, or how secure he truly is." Merlin shrugged. "He may not even be aware of his feelings on the matter, or why he's reacting. Or voice his thoughts directly, if he happens to become aware of them."
"Also true." Harry scratched at the back of his neck and crossed his ankles, trying to get comfortable in spite of the uncertainty all this was bringing up. "We'll find out I suppose." Eggsy had demanded Harry pay in a lot of ways for the things he'd done recently, but it wasn't hard to imagine Eggsy going the other way and turning very defensive of his independence. And Harry had yet to speak with him about the details of these new rules Eggsy envisioned. "He may want to speak to his mother again someday," Harry thought aloud, "...and she'll know nothing of all this."
"I would think that to be a certainty, but I also think he won't be ready for that for some time. He'll need to concentrate on himself until he regains a sense of security and stability in his life. And a sense of control." Merlin fixed his gaze on Harry. "That will be another discussion that will need to be had, of course, but all of that will depend on what happens in the near future. If things turn out as you hope they will."
Harry nodded. It was good to consider the long run, but they did have to focus on the now. He and Merlin were in agreeance on most of this. He could only hope that Eggsy would be, too. "It won't be long now. And we should get some lunch if we want to beat the crowd." Harry was ready to talk about something else. His mind had been turning this over for too long, with too much weighing on it. "Believe it or not," he said as he rose from his chair, "Eggsy fairly teased me over my involvement in your projects the other day. Teased me. After the reaction he used to have." Harry shook his head, still a little bewildered.
Merlin paused and stared, and Harry could see curiosity gradually creep into his expression. "...really. How did he endeavour to do that? That's an encouraging sign, but I wonder if it's a matter of him accepting the projects or simply accepting that you're choosing to participate and he can't affect that."
"It could very well be the latter." Harry shrugged. "I believe he said that I wasn't selling him on it while elbowing me in the ribs and then musing about whether you display happiness by getting even more serious." He couldn't help the twinge of a smile again at repeating the words to Merlin's face. Harry also enjoyed teasing Merlin, and it wasn't often that he had the opportunity to do so.
Merlin frowned, but in the way he did whenever Harry teased him, rather than in true irritation. Harry was one of the few people he allowed to tease him, and had done so even before their friendship had deepened. "I see that amused you suitably. Don't tell me you believe that? The boy can be excused for not realizing I have a sense of humour, I suppose. People seem to think Scots to be a dour and irritable lot."
"Oh no." Harry's smile spread wider. "I can see how hard you try to keep it under control when you get really excited." Harry clasped Merlin's upper arm and knew his eyes were twinkling with mirth. Bottled up may have described Merlin when he got like that, but 'serious' failed to convey what was really going on. "But to be fair, you are dour and irritable besides." Harry gave him an extra pat for good measure.
"Damn right. I am dour and irritable, but not without any taste for fun. As you should know, but the staff recruits don't always appreciate it." Merlin's chin lowered, and his gaze turned upwards towards Harry. On another face, it might have been endearing; on his, it could only be threatening or sarcastic. "What you're telling me is that the boy needs a proper introduction in order to appreciate it more than one of my trainees who happens to get on my wrong side. I'm not vacating your life, as you know. Or setting aside a handler's concern for his partner. You won't be rid of me and I would prefer that it not be tried."
Harry chuckled. "I do hope he'll see that someday." Harry knew that none of them wanted to fight this battle forever, but there was no easy way out without a certain degree of acceptance, not only understanding. "Perhaps we can work out the details of such an introduction once he's settled." Harry straightened and adjusted the folds of his suit before heading for the door. Imagining Eggsy appreciating Merlin's particular brand of humour wasn't easy, but then again, it might not be impossible either.
"You'll be alright, regardless. We'll figure out how to coordinate everything that needs to get done." The transfer of guardianship. Relocation. Figuring out Eggsy's educational path. Everything that fell into complicated space would be taken care of, Harry had no doubt. He and Merlin had worked far more complex cases before. Coordinating what was necessary for Eggsy's well-being wouldn't be difficult, aside from the personal aspects.
"At least we can be certain of that, yes." Harry nodded and took in the quiet reassurance in Merlin's gaze before schooling his expression into something neutral and opening the door.
The pair headed off to lunch as they often did. Within the halls of headquarters their conversation would turn back to work, but they were used to the seamless switch. Sometimes it was even nice to fall back into work mode just to keep thoughts of Harry's personal life on the back burner for a time. Harry wasn't nearly as desperate for that as he'd been a year ago, however, and for that he was grateful.
Days passed before Eggsy arranged another day out with his foster parents. For all they knew, he was going out to see friends, not his social worker. He left the house with a full backpack and a skateboard, zipping down the sidewalk at a notable speed despite the looks their neighbours gave him.
After several minutes, he slowed and came to a stop before Harry's house. A kick brought the skateboard up into hand, and Eggsy rang the doorbell.
He didn't have to wait long before the door opened and he was met with Harry in comfortable clothes and a draft of warm air from inside. "Come in, come in." Harry ushered him forward and closed the door behind him, shutting out the neighbourhood and enclosing Eggsy in the familiar front hall. More familiar than the one he currently lived in. "Have you had any lunch?" Harry asked while Eggsy propped up the skateboard against the wall. Something in the kitchen smelled delicious. Spices and something fried, but it was difficult to tell what.
"Nah, not yet. Told them I was gonna get lunch with friends, so they gave me a couple quid for it." Eggsy had felt a twinge of guilt at that, but not enough to stop. Certainly not enough to reconsider his choices. "I figured you'd be makin' somethin' and we'd want to talk while eatin' anyways. Right?"
"Sounds good to me." Harry led the way to the kitchen where he'd prepared fried chicken and rice boiling on the stove next to a pot of the sauce that was permeating the air. Usually Harry waited for Eggsy to arrive before he prepared lunch or dinner, but then again usually when Eggsy visited these days it was also to view the mission logs. "There's a kettle on if you'd like some tea," Harry said as he brought out plates and began to dish them up, "Help yourself."
Eggsy did, rising up on the balls of his feet to reach everything, though it wasn't nearly as far a stretch as it had been before. This time, the boy's thoughts weren't of mission logs and what new revelations might be in store for him to process. All he could think of was the decision he'd made, and the time clock counting down towards it, and everything he needed to keep him feeling safe. "Looks like you're cookin' more lately."
"Hm?" Harry glanced his way before thinking. "Oh. I suppose so. I thought it would be nice since you were coming over." But he had been cooking for himself more often these days. Not every day by any means, but more than he'd been before. And his drinking was still at a minimum, too. It seemed there were some benefits to Eggsy's surveillance, and not just for Eggsy's sake. He'd even caught Harry smiling at a camera every now and then through the week. They were fleeting moments, usually when Harry was getting ready for bed, and those smiles were always wistful and warm.
"It's good. I mean, not just to eat your cookin'. It's good to see you interested and doin' it. It's nice to watch." And watch he had. Eggsy had been spending more time in his room lately, ostensibly working on his studies but mostly keeping the cameras transmitting. He hadn't felt so alone, watching Harry from a distance, and he'd been gratified to see that his concerns were translating into real changes. Harry was no longer drinking himself into danger or neglecting meals.
Harry looked up and smiled. He didn't comment on it as he brought their plates to the table, but Eggsy could see his amusement mixed with appreciation. 'Still worried about me?' Harry's smile seemed to say.
"It's been nice to know you're watching lately," Harry admitted as he sat down at the table and poured himself a cup of tea as well. "But how have you been? Have things been ok at the Wilsons'? The usual?"
"Yeah, pretty ok. Nothin' really new. They're good to me, but don't really understand. I think that's gonna be a problem with all of their kids, unless they adopt 'em young enough," Eggsy added. "They mean well, but they don't get it. They're trying to adopt a kid and thinking about when they were a kid, and not how things have been for the kid they're adoptin'. They're gonna be great for the right person, it just ain't me."
Harry hummed and nodded. Little had changed in the past week, then. They ate quietly for a few minutes before Harry decided to address the reason Eggsy had stopped over. "So you're still sure you'd like to live here again?" His voice was calm and smooth, just like he was asking about Eggsy's weekend plans, like nothing weighed on Eggsy's answer at all.
"Yeah. I'm still sure," Eggsy countered. "Although, if I'm gonna be back here again, there's gonna be some rules. You don't get to set 'em. I lived on my own, and I can do it again. I'm not comin' back here just so you can control me. You get it?" The boy speared another bite of chicken and stuffed his mouth, never breaking eye contact with Harry.
"Yes." Harry nodded but remained unaffected by Eggsy's brashness. His expression didn't change in the slightest. If it told Eggsy anything, Harry was willing to listen to him, but still somewhat wary. But Harry didn't push after that. It was pretty clear he preferred to finish dinner before speaking further on the subject of rules and negotiations, if Eggsy was willing to allow any.
The boy picked apart his dinner, separating meat from bone in tender shreds. "What are you thinkin' is gonna happen when I come back? Because we're not goin' back to how it was. With you hidin' cameras everywhere and manipulatin' me. I get my own space, and you don't come in there at all. With cameras or anythin' else. You don't make me have to beg for money either. I don't wanna go back to stealin' everything I need."
"I expected that. You told me as much when we last spoke." Harry's tone was still calm, still careful. The atmosphere in the room had gained a quality of tension, but Harry was doing his best to diminish it without sounding overly placating. "I expect that if you move back in, things will be much as they are now between us. That you'll have your own space and I will have mine and...well, I will stay out of your space unless you say otherwise. I thought you could have an amount of money to spend weekly, so you needn't ask anything of me unless it's something very big."
The boy nodded. Being given things still wasn't to his taste, as it felt like indulgence or being kept. But Harry did owe him, in a way that he could never completely repay. "That sounds good. I ain't spend-happy or nothin', so it's not like I'm gonna ask for stuff until you can't handle it. My room is off-limits, though. For comin' in, for lookin' around at my stuff, or any sorts of cameras. I don't want nothin' in there without my say so, alright?"
"Alright." Harry nodded. That was fair enough and what Harry had expected. He was glad that Eggsy didn't have it in his head to pursue the route of revenge in financially petty ways, not that he didn't have enough to spend, but he knew it wouldn't make either of them happy. Eggsy really didn't like taking things from other people, even if Harry owed him. Harry set down his fork and pushed his empty plate aside. "What else?"
"You don't touch me unless I say so. Which I might, or might not, dependin' on how things go. I don't owe you nothin', and you make no assumptions just 'cause I'm livin' here." Eggsy stabbed his fork into a bit of meat and brought it to his mouth. "If I make some friends, I get to have 'em over sometimes, and you don't say nothin' about it. You tell me as much as you can about things before you go off on a mission, and when you think you're gonna be back."
Harry nodded again. He'd been expecting the no touching rule. And friends.... He'd always tried to keep the house civilian-proof, even before Eggsy came into his life. "I have no problem telling where I'll be, or within the general vicinity if I can't say more specifically than that, or how long I'll be away. If you have friends over, just try to keep them out of my room." Harry would have to take to keeping his gadgets in a locked closet rather than the foot of the bed if there was any chance kids Eggsy's age would be in the house, but every weapon on the lower floors was either hidden out of reach or in a safe.
"Yeah, that won't be a problem. I wouldn't let anyone out of my sight in here." Eggsy had learned the hard way just how much weaponry and danger was in the house. "No cameras neither. You can keep whatever you need that points outward, in case someone tries to break in or sommat. But I don't want to be recorded or watched, no matter what I'm doin' at the time."
Harry had been expecting this, too. He straightened his shoulders but nodded to show Eggsy that he understood. "I can take them offline in any communal areas of the house, including your room, but I do not wish to turn them off in mine. From what I understand of how you're envisioning this will work out, I do not think that should pose a problem." Harry watched Eggsy carefully as he spoke and even more so after for a reaction.
Eggsy's eyes narrowed. It was based on nothing coherent, simply a wave of emotion. He didn't like being denied anything, or the notion that if he went into Harry's rooms he would be watched. "Why? You that keen to let your friend creep on you while you sleep? Undress? Rub one out thinkin' of me? Or is it that he ain't allowed to watch me now, so you gotta let him watch whatever he can get now?"
"He is a large part of it, yes," Harry said, face schooled to show no emotion. "And if you have anyone else in the house, then I need to be sure I can see anyone going into that room. You have your space to do with as you will now, and I will have mine." Harry watched as the tension in Eggsy's bearing grew more concentrated. He could emphasise the point, but waited. Eggsy wouldn't take it kindly right now.
"I don't want him watchin' me. Or you," Eggsy ground out, even as he remembered his last talk with Merlin. The man was alone but for his cameras, but that was his choice. It wasn't Eggsy's fault that he refused, or couldn't, interact like a normal person. "How can you even want that? He ain't your boyfriend."
"No, he's not. But I do not intend to break what connection we have." As Eggsy's tone grew more irritated, Harry's grew softer. He swallowed and met Eggsy's eyes, holding for a beat before he spoke again. There was no telling how Eggsy was going to react, but Harry prepared for the worst. "And I never said I'd take away your access to the cameras, either."
"That ain't the point!" Eggsy snapped. "It... It feels like cheatin'. Like you travelin' to other countries and lookin' at other boys when you're there, even if you don't do nothin'. It's like... like I ain't the only one. And you don't care what's important to me or not. I don't like bein' watched, and I don't like sharin'."
Harry folded his hands on the table. He wasn't sure if Eggsy was drawing a hard line on this because of the position of insecurity Harry had put him in when he'd found out all that Harry had done, or whether Eggsy would have always felt this jealous. "The fact that I do not want to break my friendship with Merlin does not take away my feelings for you, by any measure. Neither I nor Merlin have a desire to become sexually, or romantically, intimate with each other, but we do not have a normal relationship either. We're close. We share the things that make us happy. That does not mean you have any obligation to do anything for him, nor do I want you to. But he is a part of my life."
Eggsy looked down at his plate. "I don't get it, why you let him do that stuff if... if you're not interested in everythin' else. I didn't like that I couldn't stop him watchin' me out on the street, and I 'specially don't like feelin' like he can see everythin' in the house. I get that he's lonely and weird, 'cause we've talked a little, but I don't like it. It just feels weird. I don't know if you can understand."
Harry shook his head. "If it were someone else, I'd feel the way you do. You don't trust him. Or like him, I suppose, but one thing has fed into another to make that feeling more concrete. But I do trust him. He's always been there for me. I find his presence a comfort rather than an imposition. If Merlin's watching, well...it means my world is a little safer. That had a lot to do with how all this started." Harry would have liked to reach across the table and break some of the distance between them, but he didn't want to impose anything more upon Eggsy.
"I don't feel safer with him, though. I guess I can understand why you do, because he's been lookin' out for you for years, but knowin' I'm watched doesn't make me feel safer. It's like I'm back to bein' powerless, and I can't do anything. An' like I don't get to have you, 'cause someone else does too. Some stranger I don't even really know. Who's known you for so long, knows so much about you and asks you to do all sorts of things, and I just can't compete with that."
Harry sighed. "Eggsy. You are not competing with Merlin. I know this may be hard for you to understand, but people can have more than one type of closeness with others, and that doesn't take anything away from the love I feel for you." Finally, Harry did reach across the table for Eggsy's hand. He curled his fingers around it loosely. Eggsy's wrists were still so slim, his hands still so small. Harry suspected they might always be that way even when Eggsy grew up. He thought about Lee sometimes, and all the features the man had that Harry had never really noticed until he wondered what Eggsy might be like when he was older. But Eggsy had a lot of Michelle's delicate features, too. Like his eyes, looking up at Harry with furrowed brows. Hers had been a deeper blue, but there was a similar quality of distrust in them now.
"I've never had a mate I'd let do that. I'd trust some of them with a lot of stuff, but I still wouldn't let 'em watch me. Or anyone I was datin'." Eggsy huffed out a sigh. "I don't like that you kept secrets from me when you didn't from him, neither. Or that he might know you better'n I will, 'cause he gets to see you all the time and in all sorts of places and ways I can't. I don't know if I can explain it."
"You've been very alone growing up these past few years. And I know most of that has been my fault." Harry stroked his thumb over Eggsy's knuckles, the skin still so soft. "Friendships don't usually get this close unless the stakes are high and both parties have been isolated. I know things between Merlin and myself are unusual. It's less uncommon in the world of spies to form such trust, but by your standards it must seem very strange indeed. There are a lot of unusual types in non-civilian life. But I don't wish to shut you out from that part of my life, Eggsy. I have no qualms over you knowing as much as you can about Kingsman or what I do."
Eggsy paused at that, still looking warily at the older man. "So you'd tell me more than you have been? Or let me stick around, whenever... whenever you're chattin' with your friend or havin' him over?" That was the clinch of it, beyond the power differentials and jealousy and engrained distrust - Eggsy felt left out and kept in the dark, with the people around him holding all the knowledge and power over him and only sometimes giving him a bit in return. Eggsy didn't trust Merlin because he didn't know him or have the opportunities to really witness Merlin and Harry interacting in ways he could trust not to be playacting and lies.
Harry was a little taken aback. "Yes. Of course. I thought that was already part of this agreement. I've been showing you mission logs dating back decades and we've already agreed that I'd tell you where I am and what I'm doing if I have to leave for extended periods. I don't just mean I'm going to tell you these things grudgingly or try to keep as many details secret as I can. You are so far beyond the point of knowing what I've been up to that it hardly matters." Harry gripped Eggsy's hand a little more firmly. "So long as you don't use this information to go out looking for danger."
Eggsy shook his head. "Nah, I'm not that stupid. I got around you and Merlin, but I don't think I would've lasted with an entire team of people lookin' for me. 'Specially not if they really wanted to shoot me on sight, instead of just kidnapping me. I just didn't know if you were gonna hide everything recent and only let me look at stuff in the past. Or if you were gonna hide everything Merlin asks you to do. Just 'cause I don't like it doesn't mean I don't wanna know."
Harry nodded. "I see." Eggsy had thought he'd only reluctantly be let in. "I want you to be in my life again. Not just part of it. I'll admit that secrecy is ingrained in me, but if I have the chance to be open with you...I hope you know that I want that more than anything." Harry offered the boy a small smile. They both knew well that there were parts Eggsy didn't like, and some of them were even due to Kingsman's policies, but most were Merlin's projects. Still, Harry had been willing to talk about those, if reluctant to show footage.
Insecurity made Eggsy shift uneasily again. His chin tilted downwards and his shoulders sloped with it. Eggsy was still a child, and a child who was used to being deprioritized and neglected. "You do... I mean, I know you like me, or you wouldn't have done everything or be all excited about me livin' here again. But y'do like me better, don't you?"
Harry tilted his head, surprised at the question although maybe he should have expected it. "Eggsy. I love you most in the whole world." He squeezed Eggsy's hand and reached out to close his other over the first. "I care about Merlin, absolutely. I want to keep him in my life. I enjoy what we share and I enjoy seeing him happy. I care about him in different ways, but he knows this. When the two of you have fought before, it wasn't because he wanted to take your place in my life, he just doesn't want you to take me away from him."
"You promise?" Eggsy's voice was quiet, and the tentativeness only reinforced what Harry already knew: despite how his life had toughened him up and given him some unique exposure to life, Eggsy was still very young and insecure, for all the resilience and bravery he'd developed. "Promise you're not going to get rid of me, or replace me, or shut me out and only share stuff with him."
"I promise." Harry's face softened. He wondered if Eggsy would ever trust that he was secure in Harry's life. If not, Harry had sabotaged that for himself, and he knew it. He may never be certain of the future, and he knew that Eggsy would grow up, but he couldn't imagine his feelings changing so much that he would do any of those things Eggsy feared.
"Come here." Harry lifted Eggsy's hand and rose from the table, taking the boy into his arms. "It'll be alright."
Eggsy pressed close and tucked his face against Harry's shoulder. It was a familiar gesture, and comforting because of it - the scent of Harry's skin and cologne beneath the fine wool and cotton, and the warmth and pressure of the arms enfolding him. There was no way to tell if Harry's words and promises meant anything. Eggsy would have to trust, and trust was difficult to come by after everything that had happened. "How can it be alright if I don't know what's gonna happen?"
Harry gave a soft sigh into Eggsy's hair. It might have been a laugh, even he wasn't sure. "The secret is no one really knows what's going to happen. But we can do our best to make the future the way we want it to be. Sometimes we can be pretty good at that. Sometimes not." Harry pulled back to look at Eggsy. His boy. Not so different from the boy he'd been when he'd first stepped through Harry's door. Grown a bit and with lots more weighing on him now, but there were still many experiences in life he had yet to encounter.
"I don't like not knowing." It was difficult for Eggsy to accept that Harry didn't know. He'd controlled so many other things, he should have been able to control that much... and yet, he hadn't been able to control Eggsy in the end either. He'd bet against so many things, and lost. If Harry couldn't completely count on himself for security, Eggsy shouldn't either. "I don't like not knowing, at all."
The corner of Harry's mouth lifted. "No one does. Believe me." He found it soothing to stroke the tiny hairs at the corner of Eggsy's temple, just as soothing as he meant it to feel. "But it's a fact of life we have to accept in order to keep living. And even if we make mistakes, we can get better at anticipating the future, and planning for it. There are a lot of things I've learned to control, but that control will never be perfect."
Harry lifted the boy up in his arms like he used to do and carried him into the living room where they could sit on the couch. Dinner was already forgotten. He'd clean up later. Eggsy needed to feel secure with him now.
"How can you be so comfortable not knowing, though? You don't go into a spy job not really knowing, do you? You have people look into things and help back you up, so you kinda know how things are gonna go. It's not totally random like everything else seems to be." Like life with Eggsy's mother had sometimes been when she got a bad boyfriend or had been too drunk. Or life on the street, when a regular delivery could go wrong at a moment's notice. Harry was supposed to be a professional at going into sticky situations and coming out alright, but even he didn't have complete control.
Harry smiled and shook his head. "I think you're misunderstanding the matter of degree. I have faith in my and my team's control over most things I do. And I can usually assess the risk. We are very good at what we do." Harry paused to take in the way Eggsy was hanging on every word, desperately hoping for reassurance. "But if you don't anticipate that, sometimes--and you always hope very rarely, things will go wrong. You have to be flexible in order to work with that. You have to be as good as you possibly can, but you also have to anticipate the unexpected will happen, and you have to roll with it."
"I don't know how to do that. I mean, I did what I had to do, but it wasn't the best. Y'know? And I didn't even know if I was gonna make it. I thought I wasn't gonna, even. I don't wanna live like that all the time, never knowing when I'm safe or what's comin' up." Eggsy's eyes glittered with worry. He was still remembering the security of his early childhood, where his mother might be doing poorly but he always felt safe and like he knew what might be coming.
"Those times are usually exceptions. But, no matter how you felt at the time, you have managed on your own. You made it through. And there were times when you did it very well." Harry rubbed Eggsy's back, encouraging him to curl up in the crook of Harry's arm. "You don't have to go on living like that anymore, but whatever you do, you'll find more confidence as you grow older. You learn how to create stability for yourself. Having a job, having a house and a car and all the usual things people have. Those things help."
Eggsy nodded, but he was barely able to conceptualize having those things, much less earning them. They were beyond his reach, the playthings and staples of adults, not him. They were as far distant as the countries of Asia, or maybe even Mars - perhaps achievably, or perhaps not in this lifetime. Too far to think about, at any rate, and he pressed closer to Harry. "I don't want to get older."
Harry clasped his hands together behind Eggsy's back and sighed. Not in consternation. It was one that came from his belly, lifting Eggsy with it and then slowly exhaling. Harry understood the weight in those words. He kissed Eggsy's forehead. "You have time to enjoy your youth still," he whispered. There was no stopping time and no stopping change. Eggsy would have to, eventually.
"That makes it sound like some sort of... deadline," Eggsy complained. Thoughts of the future were too uncomfortable, and always had been. Less so right then, as Harry seemed more apt to help him, but Eggsy had always looked to the future with a measure of despair, seeing older men and his friends drift into dead end jobs and get trapped. "I wanna enjoy everything, but I also don't want... everything else. I don't know what I'd even do when I grew up."
"You'll have to start thinking about it. It's hard when you've been distracted by so many other pressing matters, like keeping a roof over your head." Harry stroked Eggsy's hair, unable to keep his hands away for long. "And I didn't mean to make it sound like a deadline. Only that what you fear isn't going to happen right away. It definitely doesn't happen all at once. I just hope that you'll feel more ready for it when the time comes."
"I know Peter Pan isn't real, but I still don't want it to come." An eternity as he was felt better than the vast gaping uncertainty of the future as a grown man. Harry had said his affection wouldn't wane, but Eggsy still felt uneasy. He also couldn't look at older men and feel he wanted to be them. Harry, perhaps, but not the others he'd seen - balding, overweight, absentminded and irritable. "Did you want to grow up, when you were younger?"
"Yes...and no." Harry paused to consider how to explain. "I wanted to be independent, to start living my own life. I think I was ready for that long before I reached the age of majority. But it was also somewhat terrifying. I confess I broke down the day I turned eighteen." Absently, Harry's thumb massaged the back of Eggsy's neck. "Nothing too dramatic, mind you, and I never told anyone, but I was afraid the law would look more harshly on...well, any sort of relations I might have from then on. This was before Kingsman and before I had more than a vague Idea of what I'd do in life."
"When you thought... you'd have to do a normal job, and..." Eggsy could easily picture it. Not Harry as he was now, hardened from years of spy work and doing all sorts of favours for his friends, but Harry as a young teen, just as Eggsy had seen in the photo albums. Everything they had and had done was illegal, Eggsy knew, and he could imagine what it might be like, Love between people of the same sex would have been illegal and looked down upon, and between those of different ages especially so.
Harry nodded. Eggsy understood. "Kingsman proved to be a good fit for me. A way to take control of my life rather than letting it take control of me. As much as I could, anyway. They needed someone who could keep secrets and could put in the work. I was willing to learn everything they could teach me. Very willing." Harry had wanted to explore the world, he'd wanted to do something exciting with his life, something that fit him, but most of all he'd wanted to be free.
"I don't want you to feel alone." Eggsy knew how that felt, both the empty longing and the fearful sense of vulnerability. He remembered both, exquisitely. He couldn't imagine Harry being that vulnerable, and yet, Eggsy had seen him upset. He'd seen Harry cry, and be afraid, and what it looked like when he didn't think he was going to survive.
Harry looked down and made sure Eggsy saw his smile. "I'm not alone. I still have you in my life, miraculously. And I have a team of people backing me up at work. And Merlin included." Harry felt it when his face softened. "You know it's going to mean a lot to me to have you here again." So many nights Eggsy had watched Harry in a lifeless routine, and even though it had picked up a bit, it was nothing like the atmosphere of the house when Eggsy had been there, too. It was strange how there was such a palpable difference, like Eggsy added something to the place even when he was in another room, or asleep in the early mornings when Harry went down to make breakfast. Harry had been living without even his ghost for a long time.
"Yeah. I'm not promisin' nothin', but I know. I feel better when I'm here, too. Some of it 'cause I don't have to lie, I think, because you already know everything. And some of it because I just feel safer. It sounds weird, after everything that happened here, but I don't feel all watched and like I'm in danger here like I kinda do in other places. Like I can be here and everything stops."
Harry gave a small laugh. "I think I know what you mean." To an outsider, that might indeed sound strange. Not to Harry though. "So. Are good and decided then? You're sure you want to do this? The next step is telling the Wilsons." It was something he needed to hear. One final time. Eggsy had been worried about telling them, and this was his last chance to back out.
"Yeah, I'm sure. I've thought about it for a while, and the more I've done it, the more sure I got." Eggsy's mouth set into the stubborn line Harry was now very familiar with. Eggsy crossed his arms. "And before you say anythin', no, it wasn't 'cause I felt like I had to, or needed to, or like you needed me here. I didn't decide this 'cause of you, I decided it 'cause of me."
"Okay." Harry smiled. "I'll take your word for it." The way Eggsy adopted this defiant posture while still seated in Harry's lap was hard not to find endearing, but Harry did his best to take the boy seriously. He could tell Eggsy meant it. He just looked very cute when he was trying to look otherwise. "When do you think we should tell them?" Harry couldn't just take Eggsy off their hands right away, but he and Merlin had already begun working out the finer details of keeping the Wilsons distracted after the move.
"Sooner than later. I don't wanna hang around and get their hopes up and stuff. I know they were thinkin' I was gonna be the one they adopted." Eggsy grimaced and ducked his head. "It's gonna be awkward, but even more the longer it goes on. 'Specially if they ask why I didn't give them any hints for all that time about what I was thinkin'. But you can tell them somethin' kinda like the truth? That we've known each other for a while, like we've told 'em, and you've been lookin' after me, and lookin' into if you'd be allowed to adopt me even though you were my social worker. And you got permission, and you asked me if I was interested, and I said yes, so it's not like I'm goin' with some stranger or they were bad at being foster parents." Eggsy shrugged. "'Cause they weren't. They just weren't right for me."
Harry nodded. "I'll give them a call tomorrow, then. Let them know I have some news and then speak with them in person. You don't have to worry about explaining anything, although I'm sure they'd like it if you were there for that conversation and can confirm you'd like to go with me." Harry was already making plans for how he'd tell them and all the varied ways that conversation could go. "We'll have you move shortly after that." He brushed the curve of Eggsy's ear. "They might ask you some questions after this talk, but they're not the sort of people who'd interrogate you or make you feel guilty for leaving."
"I hope not." Eggsy already felt vaguely guilty, but he also knew he owed them nothing. Just like with Harry, monetary care wasn't supposed to buy his loyalty or time. The Wilsons were only doing what they had wanted to do, and Eggsy wasn't cruel or taking advantage of them for having given them a chance. "I just don't want them feelin' bad, and I don't wanna get ganged up on."
"I don't think they'll do the latter, and even if they are sad to see you go, I have a feeling they'll try not to let it show too much. They've taken pride in trying to be a good family. I doubt they'd spoil that now." Harry wondered what it would have been like if Eggsy had gone to live with them in the first place. If Michelle's troubles had ever gotten so bad on their own that Eggsy was put into care and picked up by a nice family instead of Harry. Would Eggsy have learned to love them? Would he have felt like he fit? Harry held the boy a little tighter, not knowing the answer.
Stressful as it was, it was also pointless to speculate. Neither of them would ever know what might have been. What had happened had happened, and Eggsy wasn't the same boy he'd been when they'd begun. His life might have gone down a different path, but the same could be said for anyone had the circumstances of their lives been a little different. The best that could be done was to build a healthy, happy future with the present they had. "I hope they don't spoil it. I kinda like them. I just don't wanna live with them, I wanna live here."
Harry bent and kissed Eggsy's forehead, his reassurance that, for now, things would be ok. For once, the future had the potential to be ok, too. Not perfect, perhaps, but ok.