Chapter Text
2183 - Before Ilos
“Have you thought about where you want to take leave when this is over?” Kaidan asked, tracing lazy, nonsense patterns down Shepard’s back.
They laid spread out on the mattress in Shepard’s cabin; the cool, recycled air raising goosebumps on Shepard’s bare back. He was snuggled up as close to Kaidan as he could get, head resting on Kaidan’s shoulder, their legs tangled together.
“No,” Shepard huffed, preening under the attention and running his hand down Kaidan’s torso, coming to rest in the V-shaped dip below his navel. “But anywhere I can nap for a month sounds great.”
Kaidan chuckled, the sound vibrating down his chest to where Sidney’s head rested. “There’re some great cabins in the Rockies. Very secluded. I think you’d like it.”
Shepard grinned up at him, resting his chin on his hand. “Are you asking me to take a vacation with you?”
Kaidan’s eyes narrowed slightly. “I thought that was the plan. Remember, ‘I’d hoped any shore leave would be shared’?”
Shepard shrugged, laying his head back on Kaidan’s chest to hide the flush in his cheeks. Their relationship was still so new. There was so much they didn’t know about each other, but that didn’t change how he felt. How fast he fell. “I didn’t know if you meant it. I thought maybe it was just talk. Wishful thinking before we jumped head-first into the fire.”
“I meant it.” Kaidan replied softly, idly running his fingertips against the tattoo on Sidney's arm, tracing the outline of the phoenix that ran from his shoulder blade to wrist. “I still mean it.”
Shepard smiled, his heart tripping over itself in his chest. “Tell me more about all this nature you want to show me.”
2185 – Freedom’s Progress
Tali is the one to tell Shepard that Kaidan is dead. Sitting in that damned bunker on Freedom's Progress, stinking to high heaven of sweat and spent heat sinks, begging for some good news from the first friendly face he's seen since he woke up on a damn Cerberus lab table.
He asks as soon as he gets the chance, after Tali’s shock over seeing him alive wears off and he can get away from Lawson's all-seeing gaze. He hasn’t poked her or Taylor for much information on the whereabouts of the SR-1 crew, just enough to know that most of them made it out. But not all of them.
The hitch in Tali's voice when he asks about Kaidan tells him what she’s hesitant to say. She'd known, just like the rest of the crew, what they meant to each other. That they were together, it was serious, and they were practically living together in Shepard's cabin.
But she doesn’t know the depth of what that meant. That hours before the Normandy exploded over Alchera, Shepard had blurted out 'I love you' while they shared a shower, knowing it was probably too soon, but he'd felt that way for a while and had just gathered up the courage to say it. That he'd meant to say it weeks before, while they visited Kaidan's parents in Vancouver. That he'd wanted to ask Kaidan something during that trip. Something permanent.
His blood pounds in his ears as her words sink in, his heart heavy in his chest like a krogan is sitting on it.
"His pod crashed on the surface. Adams and Liara woke up to find a hole in the side of the shuttle and he was gone. They never found him. Shepard, I'm so sorry."
She hugs him, murmurs something he can’t hear past the thundering in his ears. Tali's arms are around his shoulders, but it’s Kaidan's arms he feels – Kaidan’s arms as he’d hugged him with that same ferocity after Shepard had pulled himself out of the debris on the Citadel. It’s Tali's voice in his ear, but Kaidan's voice in his mind, saying 'I love you, too' after Shepard's impromptu declaration. The room smells metallic, like blood and gunmetal and machinery, but all Shepard can smell is cedar and musk with a hint of eezo, a distinctive scent that was just Kaidan and had woven itself into the sheets of their bed on the Normandy.
He makes it back to the shuttle without breaking down, vaguely aware of asking Tali to join him. It’s selfish, he knows she has work to do with the Migrant Fleet, but he asks anyway, hoping for one friendly face. He manages to avoid too much chatter with Lawson or Taylor on the ride back to the Cerberus facility, hoping his stoic mask keeps in place. If the Illusive Man finds out about Kaidan…well, Shepard isn’t keen on giving him any ammo.
Rein it in, N7.
He makes it past a debrief with the Illusive Man, hanging onto words like 'mission' like a lifeline. The mission is what matters. It’s the only thing that matters. And if that’s the only thing keeping him on his feet, it’s enough.
He makes it onto the new Normandy, past stilted and awkward conversation with Joker – nothing more than pleasantries and his helmsman barely able to meet his eyes - and past preliminary introductions to his new crew. He makes it all the way to med-bay, intending to check on the supply situation, before he breaks down.
It’s the friendly face that does it.
"Karin," he breaths, and then she’s in front of him, cupping his face with tears in her eyes.
"They told me you were alive, but…," she breaks off with a sob, throwing propriety out the window and enveloping him in a tight hug.
Shepard returns her embrace with a shaky sigh. "I'm so glad you're here."
She pulls back from him, holding his face and studying him shrewdly. They'd gotten along so well from the first day he met her on the SR-1. He'd told her about his mentor on Mindoir, Dr. Rodriguez, and how he'd intended to become a surgeon before the batarians ripped that dream to shreds.
She'd patted his arm, said it was always good to have another person with medical knowledge on the ship. Between him, her, and Kaidan, they’d made a good team. Looked out for each other. And she'd always been able to read him in a way he didn't quite understand, so when she looked at him and her eyes softened, he knew that she knew he'd been told what happened.
"I'm so sorry, Sidney."
His next breath breaks off on a sob as he lowers himself into a chair, burying his head in his hands.
"Everyone keeps saying I've been gone for two years. But for me it feels like… just hours ago."
"What's the last thing you remember? Before you woke up?"
Shepard swallows thickly, focusing his gaze on a medi-gel dispenser on the far wall of the room. "Ordering Kaidan into his escape pod, telling him I'd go get Joker. Telling him I loved him."
Dr. Chakwas takes his hands in hers, squeezing gently. He sniffs back tears, but a couple escape anyway. "All those services I had to attend, with no one to bring home." She sighs, leaning into his space slightly. "I know this isn't what you want to hear right now, but I'm glad I got one of you back."
Sidney swallows thickly. "It doesn't seem real. I can't believe he's gone." His voice cracks on the last word, a tear falling free down his cheek.
Dr. Chakwas scoots closer, until their knees touch. "Kaidan's parents…they had a service for him in Vancouver. When they found out that there was no place to send you home to, they insisted on having a service for you as well, and interred you in their family plot, next to Kaidan."
Shepard sighs, running his hands through his hair. The few days he and Kaidan had spent with his parents after the Battle of the Citadel had been some of the best of his life. The Alenkos had accepted him into their home and their family without hesitation. It had felt natural and right. The first time he'd felt like part of a family since he'd been rescued from Mindoir. His foster parents had been great people, but he’d always felt like more of a guest in their home than part of their family.
"Have you contacted them?" Dr. Chakwas asks.
Sidney's brows furrow, and he lets out a huff. "And say what? 'I came back from the dead, but sorry your son is still gone'?"
"They're bound to find out eventually."
Sidney shakes his head. "And that I'm working with Cerberus. That would kill any warm fuzzy feelings they had for me.”
Dr. Chakwas gives him one of her all-knowing smiles, like she wants to say something more, but Joker's voice crackles over the comm.
"Commander, we're starting our approach to Omega."
Shepard purses his lips at his pilot's hesitant tone, and Dr. Chakwas clears her throat and speaks as if she can read his mind.
"Jeff isn't sure how to approach you. He feels an intense amount of guilt over what happened to you,” she says. “and now you're back and he knew you were going to find out about Kaidan."
Shepard grunts. "Could have just said that."
"You know how he is."
Shepard hums. "Not very good at emoting, that one."
Dr. Chakwas chuckles. "No, he isn't. Talk to him, Sidney. You need all the friends you can get right now."
Shepard nods, mentally putting it on the to-do list for later. For now, he has to put his game face back on. There’s work to do.
Shepard finds a bottle of Canadian Rye whisky on Omega. Along with the bottle of brandy and the old friend he also finds, he figures this is what’s going to amount to a good day for quite some time.
The salarian scientist, Mordin, is already happily working away in the laboratory. Ordinarily, Shepard would be content to listen to him prattle on about science. But nothing about this situation was even close to ordinary. And right now, he needs the comfort of familiar faces.
He shares the bottle of brandy with Karin, reminiscing about the times on the SR-1 and sharing medical horror stories. His new Cerberus metabolism serves him well, and he fully intends to test his limits even further with the bottle of rye and a dextro bottle for Garrus.
It’s good to have Garrus back. It had been him, Shepard, and Kaidan down in the muck on Ilos, then wading through geth going after Saren on the Citadel.
The bottle of whisky sits unopened on the mess table in front of them. For his part, Garrus makes quite a dent in his bottle of turian bourbon, while Shepard occasionally picks up the bottle of whisky, considers opening it, then shoves it away again.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Garrus finally asks after Shepard frowns at the whisky and pushes it away for the third time.
“If by ‘it’, you mean ‘waking up from a coma after two years to find out the love of my life is dead’, then…” He shrugs, flicking a piece of a napkin off the table. “What is there to say? It feels like someone tore a chunk out of my chest, but I can’t really take time to process it because…” He waves a hand vaguely at the table.
“The mission,” Garrus’ mandibles twitch in a manner Shepard translates to ‘uncomfortable’.
Shepard hums, nodding. “The mission always comes first.”
“Well,” Garrus agrees, picking up the two data pads that Shepard’s been carrying around everywhere since he’d returned from Omega. “If you’re looking for a distraction, I have,” Garrus peeks at the pads, “A krogan warlord and a biotic science experiment.”
“Right,” Shepard huffs, snagging one of the data pads. “’Project Phoenix’. That’s almost funny.”
Garrus’ mandible twitches in confusion.
Shepard pulls up the left sleeve of his t-shirt, revealing the red and orange inks of the tattoo that covers him from wrist to shoulder. “A phoenix is a bird in ancient human mythology. When it dies, it burns to ash, then rises again, stronger.” He pulls his sleeve back down. “I got the tattoo after the raid on Mindoir.”
Garrus hums. “I think this is what humans call ‘a sign’?”
Shepard retrieves the data pad again, making a face. “Yeah. Plus, the Illusive Man was pretty clear on the time limit on this one. The experiment failed; the cell went rogue. If we want the biotic for our squad, we have forty-eight hours before Cerberus levels the facility.”
The dossier on Project Phoenix is strangely thin. No other real information, other than the cell’s goal: to take a human biotic with potential and take their abilities to the next level. Asari level, to be specific. According to Miranda, the Illusive Man may have known what they were doing and why, but no other specific details. This deniability was necessary to protect Cerberus’ image.
Shepard calls bullshit, though he didn’t say that to Miranda’s face. He isn’t sure what had happened with Project Phoenix for Cerberus to declare the cell rogue, but he doesn’t imagine it was pleasant.
He rubs the back of his neck, along his amp-port. He’d gotten an implant upgrade when Cerberus rebuilt him, and even that felt weird and slightly invasive. He’d given himself a nosebleed and the mother of all headaches the first time he’d tried a mnemonic.
And yet, he’s reasonably sure that Subject Zero – no name, age, gender, or any other identifying information – isn’t nearly as lucky.
Garrus studies his nearly empty glass of bourbon. “I know this bothers you, Shepard. Working for the same group that does…” He waves a hand at the data pad, “This to their own people.”
Shepard scowls. “Yeah, it’s a bit hard to compartmentalize. Miranda and Jacob insist that these rogue cells are rare, but I’m willing to bet the billons of credits it cost to bring me back that this ‘Subject Zero’ isn’t there of their own free will.”
Garrus considers that for a moment, mandibles flaring. “Well, let’s go get them, then.”
Standing near the entrance of the airlock, Shepard realizes he hadsn’t been to the helm of the SR-2 since taking command.
Like everything else on the new Normandy, it’s functionally better, new... and Shepard hates it.
Even the new tech, which usually trips his trigger. The holo of the ship’s AI, EDI, ‘turns’ towards him as he approaches, the blue orb pulsing at his presence.
“Hello, Shepard,” it says.
“EDI,” he replies simply. He’s used to talking to his ship; he isn’t used to his ship talking back.
Joker peers at him over his shoulder as his chair pivots around, schooling his features in record time. But Shepard catches a flash of something – guilt maybe – before his helmsman smirks in his affable way.
“Hey, Shepard. Come to check out my new digs?”
Shepard hums, watching the eezo emissions pass over their heads. “Seems like Cerberus is trying to butter us up with luxuries. There’s a fish tank in my cabin.”
Joker huffs, spinning his chair back around towards the interface controls. “Well, if it gets me a seat that doesn’t turn my ass numb in forty-five minutes, consider me buttered like bread.”
Shepard slips into the empty co-pilot's chair. He doesn’t really see the point in having one other than keeping Joker company, which he arguably doesn’t want most of the time.
“Ok yeah, this is decidedly more comfortable than the wood planks on the SR-1,” Shepard muses, shifting in his seat. He could definitely see himself relaxing here, watching the stars. Maybe having EDI read him a book on tape.
“No shit,” Joker replies, the corner of his mouth turning into a small smile. “Alenko complained about it so often I -,”
Joker blanches, the smile dropping from his face. He makes a sound somewhere between ‘um’ and a groan. Even EDI’s interface seems to bob uncomfortably.
Like a knife he’d forgotten is there, Shepard’s heart clenches painfully. He swallows the lump in his throat. This is not the place to break down.
“Don’t think you can’t talk about him around me,” Shepard says, which is the exact opposite of how he feels at the moment. “I wasn’t the only one he meant something to.”
“I know,” Joker replies, shrugging. “But you two were like...” He waves a hand awkwardly to empathize his point.
Practically married. Ashley had said.
“Yeah, it -,”
“It fucking sucks,” Joker replies, scowling at the orange interface.
That about summed it up. And Shepard is intuitive enough to know it’s Joker’s way of saying he was sorry about Kaidan and missed him, too.
Shepard slides from his seat and turns to exit the helm, patting Joker gently on the shoulder. “Set course for Pragia. We’ve got a dossier to knock off the list.”
“Aye aye, sir.”
Shepard stops briefly before he exits the helm. “And I think Garrus brought a deck of cards back from Omega. In case you want that Skyllian Five rematch.”
Joker scoffs. “No way. I’m lucky I have a retirement fund left thanks to you and Kaidan.”
Shepard smiles at the memory, just a little. “He could bluff like no one I ever met.”
“No shit. And I swear you count cards. I didn’t stand a chance between the two of you.”
“Don’t worry, Joker,” Shepard calls over his shoulder as he heads back towards the elevator. “I’m sure I can bully the Illusive Man into giving you a raise.”
