Chapter Text
It felt like there was something important Charlee Bucket had forgotten. Life and death or some other imperative nonsense hung in the balance.
Rip Van Wonka was really rushing things now, ushering her last two guests hurriedly through some familiar terrain, particularly the hallway with the sloppily painted stripe on the floor. The red paint was fully dry now and Wonka made no effort to avoid walking over it. Charlee recognized the bloody-looking footprints left on the walls and ceiling by Jan Talenvine, and shuddered. She secretly wondered if the injury to his private parts would kill him, but there was no way she was going to ask anyone about that. Ever. She could keep that question unanswered until her grave.
Which, speaking of…
The gloom and doom steadily continued building inside of her and she wished to verbalize it so that one of the adults could reassure her. But just as Charlee opened her mouth to speak, a song began to play loudly over an intercom system.
Oopsie, doopsie
Just ‘round the bend
You’re going to meet a terrible end.
Oopsie, doopsie
Don’t be a fool
Didn’t you learn good manners in school?
The tune was catchy but the lyrics made Charlee feel oh-so-much worse. She had no doubt that it was intended to mock those children who had been lost to the factory’s devices already, and yet at the same time she felt like it was being sung for her benefit.
Pride is a sin with a capital P
Smoking will shorten life expectancy
Don’t be too rude or obnoxious or fat
So says this most precocious cat.
Well, what are you waiting for?
And so on it went.
“For a second there, I thought we were listening to the boys’ choir of Westminster Abbey,” Grandpa Walt said, clearly amused as the song ended. “Those Schrödinger lads have excellent voices.”
Rip hummed an acknowledgement but did not comment further as they turned a corner in the long hallway.
“Maybe some choreography would be a nice touch as well. With knee bends and somersaults,” Charlee piped in, then kicked herself for saying something stupid and totally unrelated to what she really wanted to say.
“Just step into my office, if you would,” Wonka said abruptly, ignoring all comments on the random music that had now gone quiet. “We have some final business to conclude in here.”
She had stopped at a door covered in gumdrops from top to bottom. The candies were arranged in such a way that they spelled the Wonka “W” in a colorful mosaic. Charlee was tempted to run her hand over the patterned candy, maybe even pull off a few to taste, but the candymaker seemed to read her mind and tutted “Uh uh uh!” before she could try anything. Rip Van Wonka held the door open for them, and Grandpa Walt guided Charlee inside from behind by her shoulders. He leaned down and spoke quietly in her ear as they passed the threshold.
“I suppose we should ask about the prize money before we leave. You know, for your mother’s sake.”
For some reason, that idea made Charlee feel even worse.
Rip Van Wonka stretched out her long legs and kicked her feet up onto the desk.
“What is taking so long?” she pouted, leaning back in her chair. She had opened up her parasol and was twirling it agitatedly behind her.
It felt a little cramped with the three of them plus one large umbrella inside the small office. The room was haphazardly decorated, every visible inch wall-papered in old Wonka advertisements, prototype candy wrapper designs, and newspaper clippings highlighting the factory’s success through the years. One headline in particular caught Charlee’s attention:
WONKA VS DRUGWIRTH: How two sweet makers became bitter rivals.
“Oh yes! The cash prize.”
Wonka nimbly jumped out of her seat. With kind of an exaggerated motion, she folded up her parasol, tucked it under an armpit, then reached inside her outer plum jacket and into an inner pocket. From the look of things, the jacket was just full of singles.
Single sticks of gum. It reminded Charlee of someone else whose jacket pockets had been fit to bursting.
Boom! The all-important memory of her meeting with Doctor Drugwirth resurfaced. Charlee clutched at the space over her heart in terror.
Oh no! What do I do now? Should I say anything?
Wonka was now laughing at herself as she tried to find her pocketbook, all of her former irritation gone. Charlee watched her idol’s antics and smiled sadly. This was likely her last chance to say something, and she had to do the right thing.
“Umm, Miss Wonka. I don't have much time to say this, so I’ll try to make it count. After I found the golden ticket, I ran into Doctor Drugwirth on the street. He put something into me, some kind of spying device and said that he was going to use it to steal all of your secrets. Umm, I know I should have mentioned it sooner, but I was just so happy to finally meet you that I plum forgot. I’m so sorry! I hope it’s not too late and you can stop him before he does anything to hurt you or your wonderful factory. Oh, and thanks for coming with me to the factory, Grandpa. Tell Mum that I love her, and that smoking is gonna kill her. Anyway, this is goodbye. I’m going to die now.”
Charlee Bucket squeezed her eyes shut and waited for the end. Unfortunately, her last thoughts were going to be of that damn song that was still playing on repeat in her head.
Oopsie, doopsie
Just ‘round the bend
You’re going to meet a terrible end…
It seemed there was just no escaping it. Once you set foot in the chocolate factory, your fate was sealed. Maybe she deserved this. Maybe she was just as bad as all those other kids. After all, hadn’t she failed to protect the person she admired most in the whole world?
Any second now.
Any… Second…
Briiiiiiiiiiing! An ear-splitting ringing filled the small office, causing Charlee to jolt and open her eyes.
“Perfect timing!” Wonka said, shouting to be heard over the sound. She stopped the noise by tapping the top of a pink and white alarm clock which was shaped like an anthropomorphic cupcake. The clock had waving arms and legs and was actually quite precious to behold.
“Come on in, Mausipupsi!”
The door opened and into the room stepped Doctor Drugwirth, wearing a white lab coat stained with splotches of bright red.
“Oh dear!” Wonka said as soon as she saw him. “You know that cherry is the hardest to get out. Why can’t you be a little more careful?”
“I am so sorry, Mein Lieb! I got a little carried away in the lab.”
The two slender people came together in a hungry embrace, their skinny arms and legs entwining each other like rabid snakes.
Charlee and Grandpa Walt looked at each other, then at the kissing candymakers. Their flabbergasted expressions begged for an explanation of the unexpected display of affection.
“Isn’t it obvious? Doc and I have been partners,” Wonka giggled at this, “for a long time now, but we never announced it. I thought the idea of our public rivalry was so much more dramatic and good for sales, don’t you think?”
“But… what about all that stuff about blowing me up?” Charlee exclaimed, pointing accusingly at Drugwirth. She did not trust the man, especially as she couldn’t see his eyes behind the tinted goggles he now wore.
“Oh, that was just a test to see if you could be trusted with all of our delectable secrets.”
“It was plain sugar water, perfectly harmless,” Doctor Drugwirth said. He produced the syringe in question and, pointing it upward, squirted some of the clear liquid out. It ran down his gloved hand, which Wonka wasted no time in grabbing before any could spill to the floor.
“Care to explain what you were doing with that blonde boy?” he said sternly to Wonka as she lapped up the sugary liquid from his hand. “I saw some rather suspicious behavior between you two on my surveillance cameras.”
“Just a little bit of flirting. You’ve been so busy lately and I was sooo lonely,” she whined. “I thought he looked a little bit like you and...”
“I beg your pardon,” Grandpa Walt interjected. “I’m getting up there in years and I haven’t the foggiest idea of what is going on right now.”
“We can explain everything,” Wonka said. “But first, I did promise to share my age-defying secrets with you. If you’ll just go with Doc here, he’ll strap you down and the next thing you know you’ll be looking young and feeling fresh again.” She tossed her glossy hair to the side, so that Drugwirth could plant a few kisses onto her slender and pale neck.
“It is a rather painful procedure, but she seems to like it anyway,” Drugwirth said, swatting Wonka smartly on her behind, who yelped in pleasure.
“Have fun, you twoooo!” Wonka said in her sing-song voice as they departed. “Don’t work the doctor too hard! I’m going to need him later toniiiight!”
She turned to Charlee and smiled her trademark shark smile at her.
Despair turned to confusion, then to relief and joy as Charlee finally understood what had happened. This whole trying day had been a test of character, and she had passed! Suddenly, the factory looked brighter and more beautiful than ever, filling her eyes with wonder once again.
Wonka told Charlee that they were going to take a little girl’s trip together as a reward, just the two of them. Charlee was shocked when not long after she was flying over her hometown in the co-pilot’s seat of a small helicopter. To her not-surprise, the blades of the helicopter were striped red and white like peppermint sticks.
It had been the most exciting day of Charlee’s life, and knowing that it was coming to an end made her feel more than a little sad. Soon she would have to return to her dull life of nothing but school and work, where the threat of “death by chocolate” would never even be an issue. So she intended to treasure every last moment with Wonka and hung on to every word she said through the flight headset, which of course was designed to looked like cinnamon rolls resting over her ears.
“So what did you think of my factory, Charlee Bucket? Was it as sweet as you had hoped?”
“Oh Miss Wonka, it is the best place in the entire world! I will never forget meeting you and all the wonderful things I saw.”
“What if I told you that you were welcome to stay? Doc and I have been talking for a while about adopting a smart child such as yourself to take over the family business. Plus, I know Schrödinger will really miss you otherwise.”
“You want to adopt me?”
“I mean, if you prefer killing roaches and ants like your mother..?”
“Hell no! I want to stay with you! I mean, I can still visit Mum and Grandpa sometimes, right?”
“Of course you can. Oh Charlee, you definitely deserve everything that’s coming to you!”
Rip Van Wonka threw her arms around her, kissed her once on each cheek, and then slowly sank her teeth into Charlee’s neck.
“We’ll just call that ‘the end.’ Are you satisfied with the story, Police Girl?”
Alucard looked up to see that Seras was curled up in her coffin now, eyes closed and face serene. Beneath a white nightgown, her body lay completely still, her chest no longer having a need to rise and fall with the breath of the living.
“Hmph,” he snorted. “It’s about time.” He felt extraordinarily tired himself and ready to retire to his room for some quiet and solitude. Alucard stood up, then lowered the lid of her coffin, baring his teeth in a grimace when it squeaked loudly. He sincerely hoped that after today she would no longer require the comforts of a bedtime ritual and could be more independent in her sleeping habits.
On the other hand, he mused, she was newly born into the world of those who stalk in the night. It was easy to forget, but in so many ways she was like a child. His own child.
Just before the lid tapped gently shut he murmured, “Pleasant dreams, Charlee Bucket.”