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Chapter Text

Time took away that glow in your eyes
Slew from your tears
Joy turned to pain, love to hate
Time swept away passion and heat
Out of your heart
Pain grows in mine
Hate and madness scars it hard
I cried the tears of my eyes
Because you're far away for years
And each time the sun sets down
You burn my heart more
You wasted the years of your youth
In the sake of your beloved ones
Every day you suffer more
(Myrath - Tales of Sands) 

…

When we are closely watched by gods, our way of life changes completely.

Well, mine had changed for the better, despite all the challenges, I was just willing to face it all. I had him right here by my side. So much waiting and longing, so long time… to end up like that.

I've understood and relearned a lot of things over time, but I can't understand why he had to end up this way while I'm still here.

Shen Wei's love was priceless to me. In fact, I believe that a love like Shen Wei's is priceless and unique throughout the world, throughout history. Sometimes I don't know if I'm lucky because I had it or if I'm damned because I lost it.

I had a life with Shen Wei that I'd protect no matter what… but both our duties were above what we could keep from each other. 

I've been living in the place that should be ours, sometimes sleeping in the bed that we used to sleep together in… but his absence frequently makes me drop myself on the couch and try to avoid our bedroom, so I can pretend I feel less miserable than I actually do. 

For the past two years, all I've felt is that I'm a wretch, using my job to pretend I can ignore the things that never leave my mind, even though I've tried to live decently as he would want to.

Not so decently when I hide some details from SID so selfishly. I try to think that a little bit is also for their good, they also had affection for Shen Wei. For a while, we felt like a complete family there. That was good.

Everyone is still there. Except Shen Wei.

The world is still turning and life goes on, but not mine. I seem frozen in time, from the moment I realized I had survived and he hadn't. How could I know that the entity I made a deal with would decide to take my place within the Lantern and, instead of living my life, end up dying my death? Well, he did. The sacrifice of a father for a son. Today I understand that that entity was my father for too long for him not to love me.

So I'm here when I shouldn't, but yes, I'm grateful for what that entity did for me. Despite this condemning me to live longing for a love I'll never be able to touch again.

Never, really?

So why did that face reappear?...

…

‘A brief history.

In ancient times of the Primordial Earth, the gods were many, those who had been born from the Earth and for the Earth, those who had been born from the Universe and for the Universe and those who were beyond the comprehension of the born gods themselves - supreme existences. And there would still be many more to be born, as the aeons of Earth passed and this place filled with the capacity for life gave way and expanded.

Gradually, these different gods created worlds within the Earth, different worlds separated by invisible borders, but which one day would become the limits between ethnicities, cultures and beliefs - there would be room for all people who believed in their gods and there would be room for all the gods who could care for their people.

In remote times, the ancient gods of a motherland at the heart of the world brought meaning to this place, which was called Bharat. No one could tell how long ago this happened, no one could tell when souls filled Bharat and human life began there - none but their gods and their entities, their enlightened ones.

Thousands of years later, other worlds around them began to emerge, each functioning according to the rules of its own gods, yet all within the same Earth. And the gods of one world did not interfere with the laws and workings of other worlds. But they watched. And many of them were uneasy when they saw suffering in neighboring worlds, wishing they could help, but the boundaries imposed by certain gods were as rigid as the boundaries imposed by men would one day be.

Eternal gods helplessly watched the rise and fall of temporal gods. And along with them, the fall of peoples and worlds and the rebuilding in new forms.

But Bharat remained untouched, the same world, the same gods, persisting.

One day, in the disproportionate suffering of the neighboring world, a god of Bharat moved from his mountain and did not resign himself to be the spectator of what the decisions of the gods would do to men. A single god had remained in the neighboring world before new gods were born. That one god was the one to whom the god of Bharat would place all his hopes of someday breaking down the boundaries and making it possible for goodness to cross any distances on Earth and freely reach the heavens and transcend into the Universe.’

That was all there was to be read. Wu Xie closed the book and looked at it for a while, an old book from other lands, written in a language other than his own. Still, he could read it.

He would forget that short story for many, many years.

…

Taklamakan Desert, Xinjiang Province, China.

Dry wind blew in through the window of the moving car, while the landscape became less and less green and gave way to tall rocks and seas of sand. 

It had been a short two and a half hour drive from Longcheng in the north of Shanghai to Hangzhou in the south, where his jeep had stayed. There, a driver sent by the group of 'explorers' had taken Zhao Yunlan to the camp, an exhausting journey of more than 45 hours. There were no planes to the place, but Yunlan doubted that the group leader's family couldn't afford a private jet if they were involved in this exploration. But he wouldn't complain, the decision to go there had been his alone, it hadn't been driven by the group's request, only by his own ghosts.

Along the way, Zhao Yunlan spoke little to the driver, although he was still a person who talked a lot, it was not as much as before. The reason for the little talk, however, was in the folder that Yunlan kept flipping through in every hour he was awake, always returning to the same pages inside. He glanced once more at the profile picture of the leader of the group who had recently made contact with the SID, a group called the Iron Triangle. The man in the photo…

Wu Xie.

That was the name in his profile.

A name that Zhao Yunlan couldn't associate with that face. Because he knew that face so well, in every detail, in every feature - and that was what had made Yunlan accept the Iron Triangle's request in the end. He simply needed to see this man up close. Of course he'd checked the internet, the Iron Triangle was famous for raiding ancient tombs, whether it was helping archaeologists or doing something strange and suspicious and putting their lives on the line just because… yes, because they could. Wu Xie was, at best, a tomb raider. At worst, a grave robber. It didn't matter what the internet said, what did matter was that the internet had enough photos and videos for Zhao Yunlan to explore every angle of that person and even hear his voice. And each day after the request sent by the Iron Triangle had been torture, seeing the face and hearing Shen Wei's voice again. In different tones and shapes, but it was still disturbing.

There were so many years of records that Yunlan couldn't think they were the same person, especially since Shen Wei would never live too far away from Kunlun. But Shen Wei was dead and Wu Xie was still very much alive. Alive enough to have ended up venturing into a tomb too strange even for all his years of experience - that was what had made the group look for people who understood ancient non-human cultures and that had led them to the SID. If Zhao Yunlan was taking that request seriously, he would be taking old Chu with him, but he had refused the request at first, there was no criminal investigation or people in danger, that was definitely none of his business. But out of curiosity about the message sent by the Iron Triangle, talking about the difficulty in dating the tomb and about the few corpses definitely not being human, he'd looked up the group's profiles and an activity report. Upon seeing Wu Xie and realizing that person existed, Yunlan had been relieved that he hadn't asked Wang Zheng or anyone in the department for that information, so no one would see Wu Xie. And no one knew that Zhao Yunlan had, in the end, accepted the Iron Triangle's call - and removed everything about them from the Department's office.

Distracted by the papers, he didn't notice until the car pulled into the dirt parking lot near the camp.

Grabbing his backpack, he got out of the car, watching the surroundings, under the blazing hot mid-summer sun. There were four large tents arranged in a crescent shape ahead, about ten meters away from each other, so that the cables and stakes that held them in the sand could stretch properly. Only one of them had all the sides open, the one where a group of people worked. The others were completely closed. In the center of the camp, some dry logs and tarps lay around what was left of an unlit fire. He let the driver guide him to where the tents were. According to his information, in addition to Wu Xie, Wang Pangzi and Zhang Qiling, he was supposed to find a weirdo named Liu Sang and a mercenary named Hei Yan Jing around there, but weird people were what they have there the most in SID. Apparently this Wu Xie had the same habit as Yunlan of being surrounded by unusual people.

Following the driver, he crept through the tents until they reached a spot in the middle where an open tent let in enough light for them to work on whatever was laid out on the large table in the center. He took off his sunglasses and put them in his pocket, swallowing his expectations. He needed to keep his emotions well hidden if that Wu Xie was, in person, actually identical to Shen Wei. 

Before he could see what was on the table, or let his eyes wander over the people there, a happy, round face appeared in his path, almost making him step back.

“Hey, you must be Longcheng’s Chief Zhao!” A very enthusiastic and welcoming voice matched that face.

"Correct. And you are Mr Wang Pangzi, according to the reports.” He had to keep it as professional as possible. Seeing what he needed to see was the goal. Yet, he didn’t use Pangzi’s actual name - he did his research, no one would use Pangzi’s actual name unnecessarily.

"I am myself!" An animated Pangzi reached out and shook Yunlan’s hand excitedly as he turned inside the tent, catching the others' attention. “Hey guys, he's here! The guy from the Weird Investigations Department! He really came, I can't believe it!" Of the other four people inside besides Pangzi, only two moved to say hello to Yunlan: this Liu Sang who, if the reports were correct, must have had a headache from how loud Pangzi was talking, and the mercenary who looked really friendly - the best way to get what he wanted. In one corner, the person Yunlan identified as Zhang Qiling remained seated, greeting him only with a short nod. At that first moment, Zhao Yunlan didn't take long to notice the men, although some details caught his attention even from a cursory glance. Attentive investigator habits.

The person cleaning the item on the table with a brush still hadn't turned around, making Pangzi impatient. The one person Yunlan was waiting to see.

“Tianzhen! WU XIE!!! The Zhao Yunlan you wanted to see so much is here!!! Are you deaf?!”

You wanted to see so much.

When the man set the brush aside and walked away from the table, following until he stopped beside Pangzi, Zhao Yunlan thought his heart would stop at that moment because of the pain that was slowly spreading in his chest. Seeing that face so vividly and an incredible smile directed at him was a lot for someone who was suffering from the loss relentlessly. Wu Xie was, in fact, identical to Shen Wei, not just similar, not just a haunting resemblance: he was identical. At least, under Zhao Yunlan’s tired eyes. But that Wu Xie didn't have the melancholy features that roamed Shen Wei's face; no, his smile reached his eyes, so welcoming and warm, beautifully bright eyes. And he didn't have the incorruptible, unearthly pallor of Shen Wei's skin either; on the contrary, his face was lightly stained with the sun, faintly tanned by the desert heat. He also didn't seem the least bit concerned about how much dust he had on his face, how much dirt had already stained his hands and the mess the strong wind of the desert had already made of his hair. And “tidy” was the last thing one could say about his clothes, he was dressed in a practical and comfortable way, in clothes that didn't limit his movements and combat boots - pretty much the same things Zhao Yunlan himself was wearing.

“Chief Zhao. It's a pleasure to have you here, thanks for coming.” The voice was also so similar to Shen Wei's, and Yunlan thought that he had started a new cycle of torture now, after everything he had seen on the internet, he had come to torture himself live. He didn’t take Wu Xie’s hand at first.

Wu Xie was a little embarrassed by the delay in Yunlan's reply, wondering if it had been too inconvenient to ask an officer like that for help. 

"Ahm... I imagine it's very inconvenient to take your time like that and..." He wasn't usually embarrassed by that sort of thing. Whether someone wanted to come or not, why should he be embarrassed? But he was.

"It's all right," Yunlan realized how silent he had been just watching the man in front of him. It was impossible not to let his eyes roam over every line of that face, especially the eyes and the smiling lips. He finally accepted Wu Xie's hand. Warm and calloused hand, but the touch was soft. "I'm sorry, I got distracted by all this." He made a vague gesture with his free hand, indicating everything around. “It's my first time in an archaeological site and my curiosity is distracting me. It is not inconvenient, we are out of urgent cases at the SID, and the existing small investigations are already forwarded by my team.” He finally managed a smile, hiding the stinging pain as his eyes followed Wu Xie's eyes.

“Your team seems efficient, while mine…” Wu Xie looked around for a moment: Pangzi had already opened a bar of chocolate, Xiaoge was still unsociable sitting in the corner, the mercenary was already rummaging through some of the items on the table, and Liu Sang was the only one who seemed legitimately to pay attention to the interaction happening there.

If Zhao Yunlan had any idea on what Liu Sang's hearing abilities allowed him to know, the Chief would have been immensely more careful. The pounding of his heart and the inconsistency of his breathing that Wu Xie couldn't notice, Liu Sang could notice - and he could read what was imprinted on it.

Wu Xie, however, the one who knew what Liu Sang was capable of, was not paying attention to himself, so he had no idea what he was letting Liu Sang know. There was more going on inside him than he could have imagined - far more than Liu Sang had ever heard in his heartbeat.

“I think that, in fact, your team and mine are more alike than you could ever imagine. The Deputy Chief of the Department is a fat cat who just complains about everything…” Yunlan sighed, but he had a smile that was somewhere between annoyed and amused when he remembered the cat that sneered at him daily, even though it was the closest being he had in his life.

“An actual cat?” That was a question that hovered in Wu Xie's mind with doubt and curiosity. A cat?

"A shapeshifter? He can do this, but he's still a cat." That explanation was pretty simple for Yunlan, living in the world he lived in. He didn't expect it to be more than enough for the other either.

But Wu Xie laughed, trying to imagine what it would be like to work with a cat. That way of laughing captured Yunlan's attention even more, Shen Wei didn't laugh so easily and carefree. That way was specific to Wu Xie and very captivating.

So alike and so different… I need to look at you a little closer. But also… I need to keep a safe distance, otherwise I… I'd end up… No. This is not going to happen.

"What's on the table anyway?" Yunlan managed to remember to ask. He was supposed to be there for a job.

"Come on, I'll show you, these are items from the tomb I contacted you about, there's also a fragment of a mural." Wu Xie moved to show the contents of the table, hiding a small sigh at the agitation that the man's presence had caused. Pangzi hadn't said he wanted to see him so much by chance.

Yunlan set his backpack aside in one corner of the tent to follow Wu Xie freely around the table.

Liu Sang sat back down next to Zhang Qiling, opening his laptop.

“Ouxiang…” He didn't need to look to know the other was watching the same he was.

“Hm?” Less than a word was enough to understand this man, even when he didn't want to be understood - Liu Sang had just gotten used to most of him.

"Ah… Nothing." He reconsidered commenting on anything at that moment, moreover, he was sure that, in different ways, Zhang Qiling managed to notice certain things, perhaps not as precisely as himself, but he was sure he did.

Zhao Yunlan observed the artifacts on the table and listened to some explanations from Wu Xie as he thought, dividing his attention between the real matter and the matter that was unsettling his heart. Multi-tasking was a natural investigator skill, but it was proving a challenge to really pay attention to anything other than Wu Xie himself. The way he moved, the gestures of his hands pointing at things and explaining what seemed like madness going on in his head faster than he could speak, the expressions on his face alternating when his thought processes connected dots. Vivacious.

“So the estimated date would be five thousand years, but it seems to make no sense, most of the historical data from five thousand years ago is completely vague, sparse or told in contradictory myths. I don't know of a human tomb that is in this state after five thousand years of exposure to geological changes. Not even two thousand years, to be honest.” 

“Did you guys only make it as far as the initial chamber?” Trying not to stare so intently at the other, Zhao Yunlan took a small figurine from among the items on the table, turning it over in his hand to see the details. The figurine, to him, resembled a god he never met, but he knew from a distance. 

"Yes, for now."

“Not even the energy of it is human. What did you consider?” He could feel it, but strangely, it wasn't in his memory, and he thought he remembered very well what the non-human entities and beings were like at the time when he was still wandering in a divine existence.

“The Ancient Tribes. I heard your Department still has some contact with it, that's how I found you.” For sure that was how he'd found Zhao Yunlan, but it wasn't how he'd chosen Zhao Yunlan.

“Maybe the fat cat knew what it was… I don’t remember that kind of totem, maybe I was already dead…” For an instant of lapse, Yunlan completely forgot that he wasn’t talking to someone who knew his identity… he wasn’t talking to Shen Wei.

“To remember? How could you?” Wu Xie was really confused, but attentive to something flickering in Yunlan's iris. As he had previously thought, this man was anything but ordinary.

“Oh. I was just thinking out loud, sorry. But yes, the fat cat could be useful after seeing some of these items. He knows a lot about the Ancient Tribes.” Da Qing’s pretty much the same age…

“Can the cat use a cell phone or computer?” The cat would be an intriguing thing on Wu Xie's mind for a long time.

“Of course he can,” he said like it's the most obvious thing in the world, “Although he uses the fridge more…” That was pure reality, but Yunlan watched Wu Xie twitch his lips and try to swallow his laughter. 

He's easy to amuse.

“If Chief Zhao sees fit, could you send some material to… what is the Deputy Chief’s name?” He wanted to discover the mysteries of that tomb, of that man, but he also wanted to know everything about that cat. A curious troublemaker by nature. 

“Da Qing. The damn cat is Da Qing.” Yunlan was annoyed for a moment, the cat wasn't even there but was stealing Wu Xie's attention from him. I shouldn't want his attention when I'm the one trying to pay attention to him. It verges on dangerous emotions that are hard to shake off in front of that face. “Can I film and take pictures?” 

"Of course." 

…

After Zhao Yunlan filmed and photographed the items on the table, he sent it straight to Da Qing, asking for complete discretion on the matter: he needed information and no speculation from the Department. Da Qing wanted to know where he was and what he was doing and Yunlan had to promise to tell him soon in exchange for the 'priceless cat wisdom'. 

Next, Yunlan wanted to know where he could drop his stuff and stretch out when it was bedtime. If those guys even had bedtime. He couldn't say exactly he had, depending on what was happening at the SID. He almost refused when Pangzi informed him that Wu Xie had already made it clear that the Chief would share the tent with Wu Xie himself if he agreed to come help them, to which Hei Xiazi shouted from where he was:

"You're lucky, Chief Zhao! The fat guy over there snores like hell, idiot Zhang sleeps hugging his sword and you never know if he's going to wake up in a good or bad mood - more bad, for sure, - and the little fox princess doesn't sleep if you breathe close." Hei Xiazi was the only person who would say whatever he wanted about everyone on the team and nothing they said in return against him would have any effect.

After leaving his things in the group leader's tent, with no choice and annoyed at having to stay so close when he'd told himself he needed to keep some coherent distance - which he knew could easily fail - Zhao Yunlan returned to the open tent.

He bumped into Pangzi, who was leaving the tent.

"Ah, Chief Zhao, you've come a long way, you must be hungry. I'll go prepare the food, because if I don't, Tianzhen will be endlessly distracted now that you're here and he'll never remember to eat."

Yunlan really wanted to know what that meant, but he would be left with the doubt for now.

Inside the tent, he was immediately invited to sit with Wu Xie to see in the laptop what little they managed to film inside the tomb. But it was dark like the way to the Underworld and they couldn't get any new information.

"Has everyone been inside?" Zhao Yunlan asked, sitting sideways in the chair, leaning his elbow on the backrest, as he took a cigarette out of his pocket, he needed a tranquilizer to be looking at Wu Xie so closely.

"Yes, all of us." Wu Xie shifted in his chair to sit facing the SID Chief. He watched as he put the cigarette between his lips and lifted the lighter to light it, taking a slow drag. Working with him would be problematic. The man was messed up but outstandingly beautiful.

"You're experts, what stopped you from moving forward?" He put the lighter away and looked up to meet the other's eyes. Same eyes, but a completely different look. Still, those eyes fell on his with absurd force.

"Magic. No one here can handle magic. It's not a tomb trick, it's active magic." 

"Active magic suggests that someone still has control over the place."

"Perhaps." Perhaps. If I can stop looking and focus my mind on work.

"The Ancient Tribes can use some kind of magic and can be traced through this. If that's really the case with what we have here, it wouldn't be difficult to find the origin." And if it was that simple, his job would be done soon and he could walk away, out of that presence that affected him so much.

"Too bad you have a great job," Wu Xie blurted out as he looked at the shape of the other's mouth, it was indecent. He forgot that there were more people in the tent, even if they were on the other side. 

"Why?" That comment was, to say the least, odd for Yunlan.

"Because when the mystery here is over, you're going back to your job." It was too late to turn back, so he just ignored the rest and smirked.

"I don't know anything about tomb raiding. I wouldn't be of much use to you." Don’t play with me. I can’t take it coming from you. But it felt good to forget for a moment.

"I bet you've been to places far worse than a tomb." His eyes gleamed with curiosity about the stories this man should have to tell.

"You bet right." One of these days he was still going to tell someone what it was like to be in Hell, someone outside the SID, someone who didn't understand a thing about how this crap worked. Wu Xie seemed like the perfect person to hear this.

"Then you can't say you wouldn't be 'of much use'. I think you will prove otherwise soon. And it'll be a shame when you leave."

Zhao Yunlan knew a flirt when he saw it, because he was a master at it, but could it be that Wu Xie hadn't realized what he was really doing? Because if he was doing it deliberately, despite the people in the tent, then he was a level above Yunlan in being shameless.

"Geez, are you guys flirting already?! I knew this would be quick, I didn't think it would be this much." And that was Hei Xiazi interrupting the flirtation. Or whatever they had going on there.

“I’m not flirting!” First of all, Wu Xie didn't flirt. Maybe with artifacts, but not with people. He was just weird anyway and that caused even weirder reactions. Second, Wu Xie didn't blush, but he was fully blushing at that moment.

“No, you’re not, Xiao San Ye… as if I’m blind…” Hei Xiazi raised his finger and pointed it at Wu Xie accusingly. “Well, kind of, but not for these things.” 

“Eh, stop the shit, you’re going to embarrass him!” But it was Wu Xie who was really embarrassed by it - the consequences of not mincing words when faced with something that excited him.

At that, Zhao Yunlan actually laughed out loud, amused by the other's belated concern and flushed face.

“Don't worry, hardly anything in this life could embarrass me.”

“See? You can go on flirting,” the mercenary shrugged, as if he was absolutely innocent in that situation.

“It’s not what he said!” Wu Xie even attempted to protest.

“Maybe,” Yunlan teased, the amusement still in his smirking lips.

“What?” But he couldn't see a complicity between the SID Chief and the mercenary in getting him into trouble.

"Xiao San Ye, don't start things you don't know how works."

Hei Xiazi was right on that point. Wu Xie was, to say the least, catastrophic when it came to relationships, precisely because he wasn't interested in them. This ended up creating problems, because eventually, when he was honest about positive things about other people or overly friendly, it was misinterpreted and a lot of people had already been heartbroken over him without him understanding why. 

The fact that he had never really been interested in these things, however, did not cancel out the fact that there is a first time for everything. And Hei Xiazi was having a lot of fun watching Wu Xie have a first (absurdly sudden) romantic attraction to someone and act awkward and disastrous about it.

Zhao Yunlan was the only one who wasn't ignoring the other people in the tent. He didn't need to look to know that Zhang Qiling - whom the team called Xiaoge - was watching them the entire time, while Liu Sang didn't seem to care at all.

They resumed their conversation about the tomb, focusing on the few artifacts that had been taken from there, although 'focused' was one thing Wu Xie wouldn't be as long as his face remained flushed. 

Flirtatious (even denying it) and easily blushing. Those were things Yunlan didn't know from Shen Wei. Expressively, they looked so different. And yet, the resemblance hurted.

With his head tired from the suffering and his body tired from the long journey, after all there was some comfort in Wu Xie's familiar face, added to the totally new way of being so enchanting. Painful comfort.

And as they went on talking, the man in the corner of the tent kept watching. Not that Zhao Yunlan was bothered, but it was in the least curious that a man like that would waste time worrying about the presence of someone broken and unimportant except for his knowledge, as Yunlan was. 

Zhang Qiling didn't seem willing to take his eyes off the conversation between the SID Chief and the group leader for a long time. But then there was that moment, that very moment, where he - Xiaoge - shifted his attention. And it was Zhao Yunlan's turn to watch cautiously. That very moment when Liu Sang untied his hair. Auburn strands. And Xiaoge watched closely as Liu Sang's fingers rearranged the strands to tie them back. Xiaoge's eyes seemed to chase every flow of those strands, every shape of the reddish glow changing in the lighted environment. However, Wu Xie didn't seem to pay attention to what was happening on the other side of the tent. Nor did Liu Sang seem to be aware of that very moment when he was the aim of the attention of the man he admired. But Zhao Yunlan studied that for a while. That sudden shift in focus, to something that was totally trivial.

Fascination. That was the word Yunlan was looking for to describe himself what he saw in Zhang Qiling's eyes when he happened to look at Liu Sang's hair. And he knew, it was never trivial when a completely taciturn person let out their emotions in such an intense gaze.

…

A few hours after Zhao Yunlan arrived at the camp, it was already night, the starry sky was very clear there, far from the artificial lights of the city.

The SID Chief arranged his few things in Wu Xie's tent, ignoring the growing tension in him at having to share the same sleeping space with that man.

Because it was hard enough. Every day was difficult. And Yunlan continued to work incessantly because he tried to pretend that work distracted him from the grief that never abated, never appeased. Every night was difficult because the side of the bed that was supposed to be Shen Wei's was empty and would remain empty. Every day was hard because Shen Wei wouldn't come home, because Yunlan could never again hug that person who had been stuck in his heart for aeons. The person who had waited for him for aeons.

And now it felt unfair to be a little comforted by Wu Xie’s presence. Felt even more unfair to have openly flirted with him, despite having started it unintentionally, that still counted as flirting. It felt almost cruel, such a simple thing in life. A betrayal to the one who had love for him for aeons.

When Yunlan came out of the tent to go to the fire the others had made in the middle of the camp and caught a glimpse of Wu Xie sitting on the ground, his handsome face lit by the fire and his amused laugh at something his friends had been saying, in his practical clothes, tough and dusty, Yunlan realized that those same aeons were etched right under his feet at that archaeological site. Shen Wei had come from all that time in the past until he reached Zhao Yunlan. Wu Xie was going the other way around, going from the present to the past, and for some reason, Yunlan felt that he was being taken too.

Taken into the past.

Yet, the starlight above was the same, watching the time unfold, from past to present, from present to past.

He walked closer to the group, Wu Xie smiled and waved at the sight of him.

“Chief Zhao, sit with us! But don't believe half of the things Pangzi tells you…”

Yunlan smiled back, more restrained than he used to be a few years ago, going to sit next to Wu Xie, while Pangzi protested what had been said about him.

Zhao Yunlan talked a little with Pangzi, so friendly and welcoming person, a little more with Hei Xiazi - the mercenary was surprisingly good at making people comfortable, playful and easy-going; he learned a few things about Liu Sang, for example: although they had only entered the initial chamber of the tomb, a larger amount of the place had been mapped through that guy's hearing abilities; and also that Zhang Qiling spoke little if he was in a good mood and said nothing if he was in a bad mood, which meant he was in a bad mood that night, except to Liu Sang - or it was Liu Sang who was so used with Xiaoge’s mood that continued unshakable.

After some good stories, all including them almost dying for a multitude of reasons, the men began to retire to their tents for a good rest, intending to enter the tomb again the next morning and show the SID Chief what was there up to the point where they had arrived and then return. Pangzi and Xiazi were the first to leave the group and go to the tent. 

Liu Sang continued talking some more with the two who were conversing, until their conversation started to turn more and more towards each other, so the young man knew it was time to leave. He looked at Xiaoge, who didn't seem willing to move an inch away. Standing up, Liu Sang touched his teammate's shoulder, a bare brush of his fingers.

“Ouxiang, shall we?”

Normally, Xiaoge wouldn't answer, he would stay where he wanted to be, but he sensed that there was some prudence in Liu Sang's attitude, moreover, he himself didn't want to be like a candle in a place where there was a fire. He got up and reluctantly followed Liu Sang.

…

You were alone, left out in the cold
Clinging to the ruin of your broken home
Too lost and hurting to carry your load
You've been fighting the memory, all on your own
Nothing worsens, nothing grows
I know how it feels being by yourself in the rain
You've drunk it down and you've spat it out
And nothing tastes like the things you had
So tear it off, why don't you let them go?
We all need someone to stay
Hear the fallen and lonely, cry out
Will you fix me up? Will you show me hope?
At the end of the day you were helpless
Can you keep me close? Can you love me most?
(Someone to stay - Vancouver Sleep Clinic)

When they were left totally alone around the fire, the conversation continued.

"Why Iron Triangle if your team doesn't have just three 'prongs'?" Zhao Yunlan asked once they were alone, as he took a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it.

“Because we used to be just Pangzi, Xiaoge and me in the past. Liu Sang and Hei Xiazi joined us some time ago almost by accident, and they never left. We’re used to working with Xiazi for years already, but only in the last few years he’s been with us in everything. We have other friends who sometimes join us, but Liu Sang and Xiazi are the only ones who are really into everything, even though Liu Sang complains every time he's going to end up dying because of me, he never refuses.” Wu Xie, sometimes, was not sure how he had gotten so many friends, but he was always happy to have them.

"Well, if I was him, I wouldn't refuse either."

"Why?"

“From your stories, his abilities already made the difference in the line between life and death several times for you guys and I don't think, knowing that, he's going to let his grumpy boyfriend go on suicide missions alone, even though the guy is a member of the Zhang clan.”

“Oh, just wait. Boyfriend? Xiaoge and Liu Sang? What?" This was too much news to Wu Xie's ears, who completely turned to Yunlan.

"Oh my goodness, it's your team," Yunlan chuckled low before starting to explain, “Liu Sang was the only person who managed to get close to Zhang Qiling and have even a modicum of decent interaction with him today. Not only does Zhang Qiling have his own system of ignoring irrelevant information, which means almost everything the rest of the team talks about, but Liu Sang seems to have learned to speak in a way that he always pays attention to. And most notably…everyone continues to speak normally around Liu Sang, even though they know his hearing sensitivity… except Zhang Qiling, who modulates his voice when talking to Liu Sang or when Liu Sang is very close.” Yunlan blew his cigarette smoke upward, forming a cloud over them, omitting the moment he'd observed in the tent earlier. That was intense, but unnecessary to be touched by him.

Wu Xie used to process information very quickly, but he seemed to take forever on that.

“You've been here for hours. How could I not have noticed these things for so long?”

“I'm head of an investigation department, I need to notice all the possibilities around me, that's how I live. The things you need to notice and understand are different from the things I need to, but in their own way, just as important.” Or maybe he could take seriously one thing out of all the things Hei Xiazi had said before: Wu Xie didn't know how it worked, so he didn't pay attention.

Yunlan held out the offering of a cigarette to Wu Xie. He knew about the lung cancer diagnosis and he also knew that it had been cured for a long time without any apparent explanation. The cigarette offer had a purpose.

Wu Xie hesitated for a moment, then raised his hand, his fingers slid through Yunlan's fingers and held his hand and the cigarette and brought it to his own mouth, taking a slow drag, not realizing that the other's eyes were distracted on his mouth.

Those lips on Zhao Yunlan's cigarette. And then the smoke gliding softly on those parted lips, the white mist seemed to caress that mouth before disappearing in the cool night breeze. Yunlan let out a heavy sigh at the sight, momentarily forgetting the purpose of the offer. He was about to bring the cigarette back when Wu Xie held his hand a little longer and dragged again, more deeply, releasing the smoke into the cloud above them, while letting go of the other's hand.

Yunlan put the cigarette back in his mouth, wondering if that was the only mouth contact he would have with Wu Xie. 

Idiot, this is not supposed to happen. Stop thinking about that shit, he has nothing to do with you, he's not yours.

“Maybe it is good,” Wu Xie spoke again, looking thoughtful. 

"What?" Yunlan had lost track of the conversation for a moment.

“If Xiaoge had someone who liked him like that. Well, Liu Sang never hid how much he admired him, but whether it became a different feeling, something more, I don’t know…” He shrugged, watching the fire ahead, trying to connect Xiaoge’s and Liu Sang’s behavior to some kind of ‘expected romantic behavior’, but they were odd in all possible senses, they surely wouldn’t fit in any ordinary label. 

"Would it be good?" Yunlan kept staring at Wu Xie, now watching how the fire reflected in his eyes, as if that was part of it, flames slow-dancing over the brown shades.

“Xiaoge has lived a long time, often alone in seclusion in the mountains, and we’ve never heard of any relationship from him, and Liu Sang is a person who can’t live among others, in the ordinary world, despite having tried for long… what harm would a little affection do?” Wu Xie smiled softly, still thoughtfully, but didn't seem worried at all, making a gesture that asked for the cigarette back, which was granted.

Yunlan had offered the cigarette to someone who was supposed to not smoke anymore because usually stress triggered the urge to break the resistance and he wanted to know if that hypothesis - more of a certainty to him -  about Zhang Qiling and Liu Sang had stressed Wu Xie up, but that didn't seem to be the case at all. He seemed really good to think about it.

"What about you?" Yunlan asked suddenly, interrupting Wu Xie’s thoughts. He tried to seem casual, as if following the subject about relationships, but that was a lie. In the moment before the answer, he felt anxious, almost regretting the question, because he really didn’t want to know if Wu Xie had someone, despite the flirting earlier, that didn’t mean the other man wasn’t taken.

“On this team, I'm a hopeless case. No romance here. Even Hei Xiazi has his special person.” For the third time, now without asking, Wu Xie brought out Yunlan's hand that held the cigarette until he could take another drag.

“A hopeless case? You?" The SID Chief couldn't believe this when the person had just put the lips to his fingers to steal his cigarette. Casually sensual without any intention.

“Unlike you, my way of being popular is not very good, but I imagine you already know that well.” When and where had Wu Xie learned what kind of 'popularity' Zhao Yunlan had?

“Yeah, I have internet.”

They looked at each other and laughed. And Yunlan was fond of the way Wu Xie got to make him laugh again for ordinary reasons in so little time. It was dangerous, how Wu Xie was beautiful, how he looked reckless, unaware of his own seductive ways. It was dangerous how Zhao Yunlan couldn’t stop staring in the most bewitching eyes he couldn’t think he was going to see when coming to the camp; it was dangerous how he found that mouth a temptation in his cigarette, even more dangerous because he disconnected the act of smoking from Shen Wei, so he was being allured by the person in front of him, whoever this person was.

What was left of the cigarette, they finished soon, between some silly talk, and then put out the fire before heading to the tent.

…

In another tent, Liu Sang's heart was so fluttering that he couldn't tell if Zhang Qiling's breathing rhythm was concentration or if he was sleeping. Had those idiots forgotten he could hear them?

Ouxiang doesn't have eyes for me, although I know he cares for me, in his own way. His eyes have been on someone else for longer than I could have known.

…

In his makeshift bed, Zhao Yunlan didn't bother to be comfortable. For someone who'd gotten used to sleeping on the couch, rug, and armchair to avoid his own bedroom, anything was fine. The real discomfort was inside, in the loneliness he didn't want to feel, in the nightmares he didn't want to have if he closed his eyes.

He wanted to talk to Wu Xie, about anything foolish, just to hear his voice pierce through the darkness. Perhaps, if he heard the other's voice, he would be able to sleep. But he gave up calling him before he even tried, it wasn't right not to let the other sleep just because he couldn't. It was nothing new, he could never sleep anyway.

Wu Xie couldn't sleep either, but he usually slept well in the camps if no one was in danger. It was his own heart that wouldn't let him relax, his own mind reminding him that he wasn't alone in that tent. It was strange for him, he wasn't used to wanting to touch anything but the things he shouldn't touch inside ancient tombs and temples and palaces. However, he wanted to reach out and reach for this man he had been waiting for days with little hope that he would actually come.

He gave up trying to sleep, sat down on the small bed silently, not wanting to disturb the other, wrapped a thin blanket around his back, and got up, heading to the entrance of the tent. He lifted one side of the duck that served as a door and stood there, the dry, cold wind of the desert night hitting his unprotected face. His eyes scanned the constellations above the camp, something fascinating and impossible to reach. It was good to look at the stars when he could, sometimes he spent days underground, and there was no difference between day and night, there was no vibrant sun or colorful stars flashing in the vastness.

Some fascinating things weren't meant to be touched...

As he reflected, he felt the movements coming from inside the tent, until Zhao Yunlan's voice reached him, low and very close to him:

"Lost sleep?" On instinct, so used to another sleepless person, he ended up touching the other's waist lightly over the blanket, a hand slipping gently there, resting in its low curve.

"I didn't even get to sleep... I'm sorry if I woke you up." That voice so close had given him a shiver, but he wasn't sincere when he said he was sorry the other was awake.

“I didn't sleep either. Are you okay?" He came a little closer, his other hand reaching up to touch Wu Xie's shoulder and arrange the blanket that was sliding there.

"I am,” I’m okay, I’m just in need of you close to me just like that. “It's good to look at the stars while you can, maybe tomorrow the sky will be cloudy.” The brief, tender touches made Wu Xie close his eyes for a moment, waiting for the moment that contact would be lost, but he just leaned back slightly, so that his shoulders touched the other's chest. Zhao Yunlan did not move. Wu Xie didn't either.

“Do you usually get wrapped up in blankets in the middle of the night leaning against people you barely know?” Yunlan teased softly, enjoying the body that rested against his.

“You were the one who held me down first…” That sentence was also about how Wu Xie had chosen Zhao Yunlan from among the possible people able to help with the tomb, but the other didn't need to know that just yet. He didn't need to know that, yet, that he hadn't been the only one prompted by a photograph.

"You didn't push me away." Yunlan's hand on Wu Xie's waist circled that body slowly until he actually hugged him, laying him better on his chest, making him comfortable there, the warmth of each other passing through the barrier of the thin blanket, shielding them a little better from the night wind.

“I don't want to push you away,” I was wanting you close like that so badly… “I bet you don't just hang around in the middle of the night hugging people you barely know either." He teased back, with the same soft tone the other used to him.

"Not even. But you said before… what harm would a little affection do?” A confession about what he was seeking, letting Wu Xie know they were looking for the same, even when he had come there thinking on how to avoid getting too close to Wu Xie, he had to admit he failed.

“Well, I'm single. Are you, Chief Zhao?” Despite the carefree tone, he had worked up the courage to return the question asked a little earlier. If the two of them were free, then it was really okay with whatever it was they were looking for there.

"I'm a widower," the honest and unhesitating answer came more bitterly than Yunlan had intended, but that was the most painful truth above all other things one could ever want to know about him.

That shocked Wu Xie in ways he couldn't initially describe. It was a harsh truth that he knew well it could seep into every aspect of one's life.

“I'm sorry…” he started, but his voice cracked and before Wu Xie tried to turn around or dodge the embrace because of that revelation, Zhao Yunlan held him a little tighter, lifting the hand from the shoulder to his face in a soothing caress. That hand on his face was enough to make Wu Xie stop and accept to continue where he was.

“Shh. Everything is fine.” The last thing Zhao Yunlan wanted to talk about was Shen Wei. He didn't want to stir up the pain of loss even more, he didn't want to waste the moment where he had something other than the heavy anguish and loneliness he carried around all the time. “Don't talk about it. Look at the stars while they are still in the sky.”

But Yunlan himself had closed his eyes, hiding his face on the other's shoulder, the confusing mixture of being in a safe embrace for being so well known and being in a completely new embrace that he never thought he would allow himself again. He knew the face under his palm, but it had never been this warm before. The smell, however, was entirely new, unfamiliar, and he ended up burying his face even deeper to get to know it. It felt good and it dulled his mind, not giving him space to overthink everything he was doing.

Wu Xie just took one hand out of the blanket, stroking the hand that rested on his belly, feeling the lines and shapes, knowing him, comforting him. He wanted to know that man in many ways, in detailed ways of a mystery to be unveiled. Because Wu Xie was absurdly curious about all things in the world since he was a child, that's why he was what he was now. But he couldn't say he knew anything about being attracted so quickly and so out of control, couldn't say he didn't want to explore that too much as he immersed himself in exploring everything that intrigued him. The problem might be that it was usually tombs and antiquities and never people. He wanted to know what had gotten into him to have turned out that way so quickly and easily for that man. All things had an explanation, but he didn't know if he would find the explanation for this one. Perhaps the explanation made no difference in view of what he was beginning to experience.

"Tomorrow I'm going to die of shame about it..." That was possibly true, thinking that in the light of day he would have to face this man after allowing himself that kind of intimacy, such a private way of clinging to a moment that would linger in his mind.

“Sometimes we learn things in a wonderful way and other times… in the most painful way. If you only listen to this one, it may prevent you from being surprised, but it can also prevent you from suffering from stupidity…” Yunlan slid his fingers over Wu Xie's face, stroking slowly, tracing the lines he seemed to know but had never had such a calm moment to feel how every detail of that face felt under his touch. The shapes were so beautiful they made his heart flutter. “Never be ashamed or regret the affection you exchange with someone. If it's a moment, it doesn't matter. If this is lost in the present time, it will still be a memory of something good that will never leave you. Even when everything is empty around you, you will still have the things you hold in your heart.” Sweet and sad sincerity, still tender advice.

“Zhao Yunlan… I will still die of shame about this tomorrow morning, but I won’t forget what you are telling me now.” Because it's certainly what you learned by losing the one you once loved...

They were silent like that for a long time, the stars seeming closer to Wu Xie, the chest feeling less tight to Zhao Yunlan. Somehow, they both had what they wanted at that moment. 

The silence was broken by Yunlan's whisper against Wu Xie's hair.

“Do you think you can sleep now? We have to work in the morning.” But if Wu Xie said he couldn’t, Yunlan was willing to be that way for the whole night, even being so tired from the long road trip.

"Does that mean abandoning whatever it is we're doing here?" He could sleep, he just didn’t want to let go of the man hugging him.

“That means we can do the exact same thing lying in bed, sleeping.” He didn’t mind how bold that suggestion was, maybe someone in this world would accept him being the shameless he was and don’t really care about it. He couldn't say that was a suggestion he would make to a ‘friend’, though.

"Seems good. I will die of double shame. But yes, the bed is better or I'll end up sleeping standing here…” Sleep and don't let go of the man. It was a good plan, Wu Xie never had a plan - or so he said. Well, he didn't have a plan on that, but Zhao Yunlan's suggestion was exactly what he wanted.

Yunlan took Wu Xie's hand, guiding him back inside the tent. He was easy, easy to break resistance, easy to reach, easy to convince, easy to please. So different. Yunlan remembered very well how long it had taken him to get a little closer to Shen Wei and how withdrawn he was even after they were together. Wu Xie was different, of course he didn't have the worries that Shen Wei had or the restrictions, but he was still so distinctly different. Shen Wei's calm was facade, Wu Xie's calm was legitimate.

Wu Xie lay down first, back to the other, unsure how they would fit into the small bed, a bit anxious. He was used to sharing bed and sleeping bags and other much less comfortable surfaces with his friends or sleeping on each other's shoulders. But none of his friends messed with his emotions like that man. Nobody ever did.

Zhao Yunlan lifted the blanket and hesitated for a moment, but he had dared so much so far in such a short time. Besides, that was just about sleeping. His body was so tired from the trip that even if his head had thought of something else - which hadn't been the case - he would still rather try to sleep. He wanted to sleep with Wu Xie - not with ulterior motives right now - and sleeping was okay.

And then it was easy, despite Wu Xie's slight surprise when he felt the other body snuggle spooning his, hugging his waist and fitting his back against the other's chest. He took a deep breath and then allowed himself to relax. This was really different from sleeping next to his friends, everything felt different. And strangely right. He brought his hand back over the hand at his waist, intertwining their fingers. It would really be a shame when that man left.

In the dark, in a strange bed, the smell made Zhao Yunlan understand even better that he was hugging a different person. His discomfort lasted a moment, until he remembered the way Wu Xie smiled, the sound of his laughter. It was intoxicating, delicious. He might have been attracted to the features of his husband that he saw on Wu Xie's face, but he was no doubt surrendering to the laughter that was Wu Xie's alone. And burying his face in the nape of the other's neck, making himself cozy in that scent and that warmth, he gave in.

Shit, I said this wasn't going to happen, but when he laughs, I just want to get closer... I came to see this face that troubles my memory all the time, only to discover a smile I've never seen before and be an idiot so fascinated… Zhao Yunlan, what madness do you have in your head to touch a person you've just met the same way you touched someone you were committed to for a long time? But what madness does Wu Xie have in his head to want to be like this with me? Looks like we're more of the same, Wu Xie. And your hand fits mine so perfectly… Your hand feels good, your touch feels safe… Can I stay this close for a little while? As if you were mine...?

…

Under a starless sky, there were still light, bright spots that rose slowly among the branches of wild flowers in the vast field. They were like lazy fireflies that glowed the color of fire.

Kunlun didn't waste a wail over the darkness above, following the dots of light alternating between the tiny flowers on the long branches that reached his thighs. His bare feet felt the damp earth and grass below, nature welcoming him. His long green robe trailed between the flowers and their scent wafted out, taking him gently.

He tried to turn around to see the person accompanying him, but even so, his gaze would blur if he tried to look directly. But he could still see the hand reaching for his,  warm hand like the sight of fireflies, points of fire that didn't inflict damage, just burned to light. And the field wavered in luminous blessings, overcoming the darkness of the sky above.

"I miss you," he spoke sweetly to the person next to him.

"But I'm here. All the time," the voice that answered him was tender, pleasing to his ears.

"I haven't seen you in a while. And I always miss you," he confessed, lifting the hand that held his to his face, turning it to kiss the palm.

"Because you're silly. I'm always here." Kunlun didn't mind being called silly by that person. He was never disrespectful, just honest - kindly honest.

"What are the lights? Are they yours?" He took a few steps into the field, the other following him, his hand never letting go of his.

"Yes, they're mine. I don't know what they are, I can't remember, it's been a while." But there was no sadness in that voice, it was just the way things were.

"I like them." With his free hand, Kunlun reached for a bright spot, which danced between his fingers with the softness and lightness of a tiny bubble.

"You always liked them," the voice spoke fondly, the person watching Kunlun playing with the light.

"I don't remember." And yet, he was calm about it. There was a right time for what should be.

"I know. But it's fine," the words were a warm whisper against Kunlun's long hair. It just felt like a dream.

It wasn't just a dream. But maybe he didn't remember it very well either.

…

Shen Wei, where have you gone? From the many things I see and reach, why aren't you one of them?

…

Light had started to seep in through the cracks in the tent, slowly waking up Zhao Yunlan, who was still spooning Wu Xie's body, one thigh snugly between his, one arm under his head and the other around his waist; Yunlan's face resting on the crook of Wu Xie's neck. They had done nothing but sleep, but it was still a little strange for Yunlan to think that he had spent the night with a different person in his arms after two years.

Spent the whole night with Wu Xie in his arms.

And Wu Xie was still a comforting presence, which eased some of the tightness in his throat that Zhao Yunlan always felt. Not just comforting, but nurturing, it supported and welcomed all of Yunlan's tiredness, lulling him to sleep, consoling him in his wake. 

For Wu Xie, waking up was also part of the whole experience of discovering how things were different with that man, and the first thing he realized was that it was absolutely pleasurable. More than a mere casual company, the warmth of the embrace around him was sheltering, however, he knew well, he had never allowed himself this kind of intimacy with anyone, so why suddenly with Zhao Yunlan? How handsome and charming that man was, still wasn't enough of an answer.

“So, are you dying of shame?” Those words in the still sleepy voice and a light kiss pressed on the other's neck was Yunlan's 'good morning'.

"Yea. I'm dying of shame. But I don't have the slightest regret,” Wu Xie answered, not trying to move, he still wanted to be that way a little longer - or maybe for the whole day, if that was possible. “Could you sleep?"

"I haven't slept well like this in... a long time," Yunlan confessed, not lingering over it or letting Wu Xie overthink it either. "Come here…" His hands roamed a little on the other's body, enticing him to follow another path in the way they fit together.

As Wu Xie began to turn around within the embrace, willing to face Yunlan and the lingering desire in himself, Pangzi's voice reached the tent, far too loud and cheerful for someone who had woken up so early and hadn't even slept cuddled with a handsome guy, since his tent partner was Hei Xiazi and he didn't want to get screwed over by a certain Xie Yuchen.

“Hey, hey!! Let's wake up, everyone! Breakfast will be served and those who don't come will be without it! Tianzhen, you have two minutes to get out of this tent or I will come get you!”

In the small bed, the yelling caused commotion.

"He won't wait two minutes, I swear!" Wu Xie warned Zhao Yunlan, in a mess between laughing and trying to sit up in bed. Zhao Yunlan just followed him, laughing back, those friends were crazy, enjoyably crazy. 

Before Wu Xie completely got out of bed and lost all contact with the other, Yunlan, still only sitting there, raised a hand to cup his face and that made Wu Xie stop again, turning to stare at those eyes of flickering ‘something’ in its iris - the same thing he noticed the day before. Yunlan was paying attention to that face in front of him again. Identical in features, yes, but unique in his expressions. For a second, he wanted what was unique.

It was okay. A little affection after all.

"Give me 'good morning' properly, then let's immediately have breakfast with Mr Wang Pangzi." He meant exactly what he meant, it was easy to get what a ‘proper good morning’ was after all they shared.

Wu Xie ignored his sanity, a thing he usually didn’t have, and his own racing heart, just leaning in and letting his lips quickly touch Yunlan's, as an end to everything they had allowed themselves from late night until dawn. Those indecent lips felt so good under his, that Wu Xie regretted the brief touch as he tried to pull away. When Zhao Yunlan himself didn't pull away, Wu Xie just resumed the kiss, this time slowly, sliding his lips into the other mouth, the soft, moist touch that couldn't go deeper because Pangzi was yelling again for everyone to get out of the tents.

…

When they left the tent, while they still hadn't reached Pangzi's breakfast, Yunlan chuckled softly, commenting:

"You know, if I told the fat cat that a hot guy kissed me just because I asked him to, that damn cat would call me off on all sorts of things... because that's his way of saying he's happy for me." And he was missing Da Qing right now, to gossip about things the cat didn't want to hear.

“Who’s a hot guy? And it wasn't just because you asked me…”

“So?”

“It was because I wanted to. What's the point of living if I don't make my own way?” With an amused smile, Wu Xie walked ahead, chasing the scent of breakfast.

Someone who almost died, who already faced an unavoidable death, but is still here, knowing the value of life… and yet, unwilling to live if not for free will... I've seen it before. And I fell for it. A god's memory is a man's curse.

…

While everyone ate, Yunlan sat back a bit, finally his head was back to normal, but his normal was not a good thing in the last few years. And he felt himself slowly sinking as he watched Wu Xie. A beautiful, alluring man that had kissed him.

He had kissed someone else. And worse, he had asked for it himself. And he'd enjoyed it, really a lot, even for such a simple kiss.

He had enjoyed a touch of life.

He sank even more.

Because his Shen Wei couldn't be there to be hugged, was it fair for Yunlan to hug someone else? His Shen Wei, so immensely loved, wasn't there for all the smiles he should still be sharing with Yunlan, so was it fair for Yunlan to give those smiles to someone else? Shen Wei wasn’t there to be cherished with kisses, was it fair to give the kisses to someone else? At some point, he would return home and it would still be Shen Wei's place in the bed that would remain empty. Was it fair to abandon all nightmares to sleep peacefully with someone else in his arms, after all that Shen Wei had sacrificed? With Shen Wei being who he was, would he be angry or relieved if Yunlan could have just a little bit of affection one more time?

An unpredictable ghost.

…