Chapter Text
“We graduate tomorrow.”
Sunny hummed quietly in response, focusing on the page of doodles he was in the middle of drawing.
“Yeah, I can’t wait to be done with this bullshit.” Aubrey was sitting next to him, resting her chin on a closed fist. She grinned, her slightly stained teeth reflecting the already overbearing sun. “We finally get to actually do something with our lives.”
“Aubrey, you do know you’re trying to get into vet school, right?” Kel almost sounded jealous. “That’s another eight years of ‘this bullshit’, as you put it.” Kel’s expression was serious, though the corners of his lips twitched as if he was trying not to smile.
“That’s different, though. I actually want to learn about that stuff.” She started to pick at the splintering wood of the old picnic table they were sitting at. “I couldn’t care less about calculus. Or world history. Or English. Or–”
“Okay, I get it!”
The pair stared at each other for a moment. Suddenly, Kel’s expression broke into a smirk, and the two began to laugh.
Sunny relished the moment–the comfortable burn of the sun against his outer layers, the sound of other students enjoying the last few days of school around them, the laughter of his best friends–it almost felt too good to be true. The flesh beneath his skin tingled as excitement welled in his chest.
For once, everything was warm and fuzzy.
They were finally starting their lives, and they were doing it together.
“Hey Sunny, you applied to that place downtown, right?” Kel slid across the bench so that he was sitting opposite Sunny. “Did you ever get a letter back?”
“Yeah…” Sunny remembered being ecstatic to find the yellow envelope sitting on his bed–courtesy of his mother–only for the enthusiasm to fade as he read it. “I didn’t get accepted.”
Kel’s grin quickly morphed into a sympathetic frown, and Aubrey roughly gripped Sunny’s shoulder.
“Hey, their loss.” She shook him a bit, slapping him on the back before retreating to her end of the bench. “There are tons of better schools that would probably be glad to have you!”
Probably?
Kel glanced between him and Aubrey, before offering up a reassuring smile. “Aubrey’s right, there are plenty of other schools that would suit you better.” His grin returned. “Hey! Maybe you’ll even end up with me a–”
The world around Sunny blinked into darkness, and suddenly he found himself staring into the backs of his eyelids.
Today.
He was graduating today.
Sunny peered at the ceiling through squinted eyelids, the first rays of sunshine peeking through his blinds and searing his eyes. He moved, trying to sit up, only to find he was clutching a crumpled piece of paper.
His rejection letter.
Reality finally setting in, he attempted to crush the paper into a smaller ball, before letting out a frustrated sigh and chucking it at the wall across from him.
“There are plenty of other schools that would suit you better.”
Yeah, right. The words weren’t comforting when Sunny realized that his version of Kel had never really existed.
“Sunny?”
He startled as the door to his room creaked open.
“Oh, you’re awake.” His mother smiled softly, and Sunny was able to recognise a hint of bittersweet sorrow in her eyes. “You’ve got a big day ahead of you, don’t you? Are you excited?”
Sunny simply stared at her. How could she smile so genuinely–how could she even be happy for him–after what he’d done?
He was almost nineteen years old.
She would’ve been twenty-two by now.
“Well… I made waffles.” She stepped back into the hallway, giving him space. “They’ll be waiting for you when you’re ready.”
“Thank you…” The words were barely audible, drowned out by the sound of his mother failing to quietly shut the door.
Mewo popped up onto the bed. She must’ve snuck in while the door was open. She trotted over to his hands, little paws causing the worn duvet to crinkle as she stepped.
She stopped, staring up at him expectantly.
He had taken her favorite person away. Six years ago, he had murdered the kitten’s main caretaker over something as stupid as a mistake in the music.
But he hadn’t just taken the cat’s favorite person away, he’d taken everyone’s favorite person away. He’d killed her, and he’d staged her suicide because he didn’t want to go to… wherever they sent the kids like him.
If only it had been him.
If it had been him instead, things would still be good. Everyone would still be happy.
He sighed, pushing the eager kitty back.
What was the point of graduating if she wouldn’t be there to cheer him on?
…
“Sunny!” His mother rushed towards him as he exited the hall. “You look so handsome! See, I told you that outfit would be good for today.”
Sunny grimaced as the woman immediately began to adjust his tie, aggressively tugging on it before tucking it back into his vest. He put a hand to his neck as it burned from the force.
“Much better.” She stepped back to admire her handiwork. “The waffles are in the microwave, you just have to reheat them. I’ll be back at three to pick you up, okay?” She put a hand on his shoulder, leaning in to give him a peck on the forehead. Sunny’s skin felt like it was physically shrinking away from the touch.
He always hated how unnecessarily touchy his mother was.
Her hand still gripping his shoulder, she hesitated, staring at him in a worried manner. “I wish I could stay home today, but they really need me for this project.” Her eyes scanned his face, brows still upturned. “There’s bread in the cabinet and jelly in the fridge, alright?”
Sunny nodded, finding comfort in the fact that he had perfected the monotone expression that was now hiding his plans.
His mother turned, briskly walking towards the front door.
“Love you, Sunny!” She called back as she opened it.
He just stared blankly at her. It was insulting that she could lie about something so important so casually.
She frowned, before shrugging off the lack of response and stepping out the door.
Sunny felt himself relax–just a little–as he heard it click shut. The sound of it almost reverberated through the now empty house.
Figuring it wouldn’t hurt to have one, he started towards the waffle-occupied microwave, Mewo following close behind him. He ripped a quarter of one of the waffles off to eat, leaning against the counter as he began to do so. He watched as the small black cat paced in front of him, letting out tiny mewls as she begged for some of his food.
Shoving the last square into his mouth, Sunny reached into the cabinet, eventually finding some cat treats and tossing a couple in Mewo’s direction. They scattered across the tiles, and Mewo scrambled after them.
A reluctant smile found its way onto his face as he noticed she was purring.
Licking the crumbs from her whiskers, she turned to give Sunny her best pout.
“You’ll get fat.” He mumbled, guiltily sliding the treat box back into the cupboard.
The cat meowed in protest.
Sunny sighed, his lungs heaving as he stared at the only thing he would miss about this world.
This little black kitten who never failed to love him.
…
“Goodbye, Mewo.”
Sunny crouched by the front door, stroking the cat’s back as she rubbed against his legs. He scratched her head a final time before he stood.
If he was going to do this, he needed to do it now.
Ensuring the cat didn’t follow him, he opened the door just a crack, sliding through it and pulling the near empty backpack he’d halfheartedly packed behind him. He had gone through the trouble of finding his keys just so he could lock it on his way out.
It was a nice day, there were barely any clouds in the sky, and there was just enough of a breeze to keep the sun’s heat at bay. As Sunny scurried down the street, he heard the soft chatter of the summer’s birds and the sound of leaves as they grated against one another.
He approached the bus stop–the one near his house which he’d never used–confident that he could find one going in the direction he needed. He skimmed the list of times and places, a majority of them he’d never heard of, until his eye settled on one he recognised.
Faraway Town – 8:30 a.m. to 8:30 p.m. – Stopping in Faraway City at 8:30 a.m., 12:30 p.m., 4:30 p.m., 8:30 p.m.
Sunny glanced at the watch he’d been gifted for Christmas the previous year. The first pity gift he’d ever been able to use.
12:17 p.m.
Thirteen minutes. He could wait thirteen minutes.
The old bench lining the edge of the bus stop was surprisingly welcoming, and for a moment, he allowed himself to listen as the broken silence dragged on. Taking a breath, he closed his eyes.
Sunny blinked, the faint screech of tires forcing him back into reality.
Just as they had been mere minutes earlier, the benches along the sidewalk were empty. It seemed he’d be riding the bus alone–at least for a couple stops. He stood, anxiety gripping his throat as he stared at the vehicle.
“So, where ‘ya headed?” The driver’s voice was muffled by the squeaking of the mechanical doors as they opened.
“Faraway Town.” Sunny stared at the floor.
“Been a while since I picked up anyone wanting to go there–you visiting family or something?”
He stepped into the bus, holding out a five dollar bill in exchange for a ticket. The operator took it from him, pressing a small button on the big metal panel in front of them both. The ticket began to print, and it was once again completely silent aside from the sound of ink being forced through paper.
He felt the driver’s eyes on him, as if the other was expecting an answer.
Sunny hesitated, before nodding again.
“Welp, I got two more stops to make before we’re off. Put the seatbelt on if you don’t want to be jostled around.”
He made his way towards the middle of the bus, glad the operator hadn’t questioned him further about his reasoning. He plopped down in one of the seats, slipping his mask under his chin as he hid his face behind those ahead of him.
At this point, there wasn’t really a reason to avoid his memories. He was quite literally on his way to his own death, after all.
It still hurt to remember her.
Hell, it hurt to remember both of them.
But he’d ruined everyone’s lives by avoiding it.
Mari slammed her fists down against the piano, filling the room in musical discourse. Her shoulders trembled as she sat, hunched over the keys, knuckles white as she dug her fingernails into her palms.
Sunny froze.
He’d made that mistake again–the only mistake preventing the song’s perfection. His fingers just couldn’t find the right position in time for the next note.
He hesitated, unsure of what to do. He wanted to reassure his sister–he wanted to tell her how beautiful her playing was, and apologize for the mistake–but something about this meltdown felt different from the others.
Like something had finally snapped.
He set his bow and violin in their case as the clashing notes faded.
“Mari, I’m sorry, I–” His voice trailed off as his sister turned to face him.
She was angry. Angrier than he had ever seen her. Her brows tilted into a deep frown, and her bottom lip quivered as if she were holding back tears.
“Again.”
“What?” Sunny glanced at Mari’s hands, which were now back into playing position. “We’ve been playing for hours and I keep making the same mistake, don’t you think it wou–”
“Again!” Her tone was sharp and commanding, and Sunny almost felt like it would’ve been a sin to disobey.
He hastily lifted his instrument, dropping the bow in the process. His fingers were callused and they hurt, especially after a long day of practice. He understood that his playing wasn’t great. He knew that he made a lot of mistakes, but he couldn’t help it, right? That was what Mom always said…
But the recital was to take place in a few hours, and there was no way they were going to make progress working like this. Couldn’t she see that?
Sunny had barely finished fixing his posture when Mari began to play. Anxiety welled in his chest as he immediately lost track of their timing. She hadn’t counted him off–she always counted him off! What was she doing?!
Hearing his cue to begin playing, Sunny pressed his fingers into the violin strings, pain crawling up into his hands as he did so. He steadied his breathing, trying to focus on the music.
And then he lost control of the bow, the violin letting out a displeased squeak as he did so. The pit in his stomach grew as he tried to push past the mistake, but something sounded wrong.
Mari had stopped playing again.
He turned to the piano, only to see the leather bench empty.
“Here, let me show you.” Sunny flinched as the violin was ripped from his hands. Mari glared down at him, ensuring he was watching, before positioning herself to play. He could see calluses on her fingers, too, though she still managed to handle the fragile instrument with grace.
She tapped her foot against the floor in rhythm, and after the both of them had internally counted to eight, she began to play.
Sunny stared as the music simply floated off the strings, guided by the bow in her hand. Her posture was perfect–as always–she kept her elbow held high and her chin on the base, her back was straight and not slumped like Sunny’s usually was when playing.
She was perfect.
How could Sunny ever expect to be good enough to even consider playing with her? All he did was ruin the song. Maybe it just sounded better without the violin if he was to be the one playing it.
“Sunny!”
He blinked.
“Ugh, you need to focus! We only have an hour left before we have to stop practicing, and you’re still stuck on that part in the middle! Did you even hear anything I said?” Mari shoved the violin back into his arms, practically stomping back to the piano bench after doing so.
The pit in Sunny’s stomach faded. The song would be better without his contribution, they both knew that. And he didn’t want to practice anymore. His fingers burned, his arm was sore and a bruise was forming on his chin from having to grip the violin for hours on end. How could she do this?
How could she expect him to do this?
She started to play again, but Sunny didn’t prepare himself. He just stood there, anger building in his head as he wondered why he had even agreed to do this in the first place. Why had he really started playing the violin again?
He used to enjoy it, sure, but things hadn’t been that way in a long time.
He wanted to play with Mari, right? But even then, that wasn’t why he’d started playing again.
What did the violin actually do for him?
He’d spent the past month practicing with Mari whenever they had the chance. He hadn’t seen Basil or Aubrey outside of school since then, and he’d only seen Kel because Hero made cupcakes and sent him over to share some. His entire body was suffering because of the stupid instrument, so why the hell was he still playing it?!
Sunny turned towards the door, and he heard Mari ask something as he slammed it, though he couldn’t fully understand the question.
He ran up the stairs, standing at the top of them with unfaltering confidence.
Mari stepped into the hallway, just in time to see him at the top of the stairs, violin held above his head.
“Sunny, don’t you dare–!”
But it was too late. The violin bounced rather unceremoniously down the staircase, landing on the bare hardwood floor beneath with a satisfying crack.
There was a moment of silence that followed. Sunny smiled, briefly feeling like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Mari stood, unmoving, at the bottom of the staircase, her face obscured by her hair as she stared at the newly destroyed instrument.
The short-lived confidence quickly left him as his sister came treading up the stairs.
“Did you really just do that?! Our friends spent months saving up for that violin, and you destroy it?” She stepped up onto the second floor, her tights sliding slightly as she approached him.
She glared at him in silence, rage engulfing her entire figure. Before Sunny could fully grasp what was happening, her hand had collided with his left cheek, and he instinctively found himself examining every crack in the floorboards.
“Hero worked at Gino’s for a whole month for you!” Her breaths grew short as she clenched her fists. Sunny could see that even her toes were curled in anger. “Kel spent the whole Summer selling lemonade so you could have that damned violin! Aubrey and Basil grew and sold flower crowns for that stupid instrument! How could you?! How could you let all that work go to waste?!”
Guilt settled on Sunny’s shoulders. He could barely understand what she was saying. Her voice cracked into screaming with each sentence.
He didn’t want to play the violin.
Not like this.
Besides, shouldn’t she be happy? Now she would get to perform alone, and it could be truly perfect. So…why was she yelling at him? Maybe he should’ve just left the violin in its case? But then he’d still have to play it.
He glanced at the stairs beyond Mari, and timidly started towards them.
“Hey! I’m not done talking yet!” She gripped his shoulder, pushing him back. Sunny stumbled as she went right back to her rant.
She was so…loud. She was so angry. They had both been worn thin from the previous month’s work, which only made it all so much worse.
He wanted it to stop.
“You’re so ungrateful! They were counting on us! They were counting on us to perform!”
His cheek burned.
“But now they’re going to be disappointed, and not only do I get to tell them that we won’t be performing–”
Just make it stop.
“But I also have to tell them that you broke the gift they all worked so hard for!”
If she would just shut up for a second, maybe you could gather your thoughts.
“Do you hear me, Sunny?!”
She grabbed his shoulder again, leaning in as if she were about to continue yelling. Sunny didn’t want to hear it. Sunny didn’t care. He hated the violin.
So, he pushed her.
His weak shove was just enough to send her sliding backwards along the hardwood…
And down the staircase behind them.
By the time he realized what he’d done, it was too late. But it was just one measly set of stairs, right?
“Mari?”
He stared at her motionless body crumpled over top of his violin.
“Mari?”
He took a step down, his legs suddenly going weak. There was no way–she was fine! She was fine, right? She was fine…
“Mari?!”
Another step.
“Mari, please answer me, I’m sorry!”
And another.
“I–I didn’t mean…I didn’t…just wake up…please!”
He finished the feverish climb down the stairs in suffocating silence. His lungs refused to breathe. His eyes burned as he refused to cry. She was fine, right?
“Wake up…”
He took hold of her shoulders, shaking her gently.
Her body was limp, and with each movement her head rolled on its axis. The only sound in the house was that of the clothes Mom had ironed earlier that morning being scratched along the floor. She wasn’t moving. She wouldn’t answer him.
“Mari…?”
This wasn’t happening. It wasn’t. It wasn’t possible. This was all just some nightmare…right?
Right?
“Sunny?”
Sunny still didn’t know if the incident was really his fault. Well–obviously, Mari would still be alive if he hadn’t pushed her that day, but he hadn’t pushed her with the intent of murdering her. He had been scared, and he was just so, so tired…
But…did that even matter?
It hadn’t mattered to Aubrey, or Hero.
Or Kel.
Sunny stared out the window, watching the trees on the side of the highway as they flew past in a blur.
He had taken her chance to graduate away.
He had taken it away from the girl who, for the longest time, had been his only friend.
Was he really allowed to be upset that he was alone because of it?
He glanced at the woman sitting two rows ahead of him. The only other person to board the bus, and not at his stop, either.
Something about her was familiar–but he couldn’t quite recognize the neat pixie cut or simple stud earrings. And to make things worse, she seemed to recognize him, too. He kept seeing her head turn towards him in his peripherals.
…
Faraway town was almost exactly the same as it had been two years ago, when Sunny finally left it. There was, of course, the addition of a bus stop in the plaza, but the roads were still just as poorly paved as he remembered them, and the housing had almost gotten worse over time.
He was quick to exit the bus, and for the first time in a while, he knew exactly where he was going.
The nearby elementary school would’ve had its last day within the week, so all the newly-freed kids flocked to the park. Sunny remembered that there had been a time where he was one of them, running full speed towards the jungle gym with his friends as they all chattered about their plans for the summer.
It was bittersweet, seeing the newer generation just as excited as the six of them had been.
But he wasn’t going to the park, at least not yet.
He walked along the sidewalk, finding the continuous gray tiles comforting as they steadied his senses. The city had been suffocating him. Between the traffic and burnt out cigarettes and the streetlights and the blackened gum scraped across the roads, he’d felt like he was losing his mind.
Moving to the city had been the worst choice his mother had ever made.
It was worse than the time she’d abandoned him in the middle of the highway only a few weeks after Mari’s death. It was worse than the time she made him eat raw, near rotting steak that had been sitting in the unwired fridge for over a week because she wouldn’t come home. It was worse than the time she got drunk and told him she wished he’d just go ahead and kill himself.
He couldn’t breathe.
The church ahead of him seemed miles away, and for a moment, his vision blurred. Something felt like it was wrapped around his spine, crushing his ribs beneath its grasp.
Birds screamed. Leaves grated against each other. The air burned. His clothes shrunk around him, restricting his every movement and carving into his skin.
Sunny ducked into the church’s entrance, glad it was a Tuesday afternoon when no one would be there. The old wood beneath his feet creaked quietly as he made his way towards one of the lacquered pews. Taking a deep breath, Sunny was able to subdue the world around him, and the sounds of what lived beyond the church doors began to fade.
“It’s going to be okay.”
He could feel his feet against the floor again.
“Everything will be okay.”
His eyes relearned to focus, and the walls around him finally came back into view.
It was just the same as it had been almost six years ago. He wasn’t surprised, he had been expecting it to at least be similar. But now that he was actually seeing it?
It hurt.
It hurt just like everything else had.
He recalled sitting just a few benches ahead, staring at her open casket. Her eyes were closed, but when he saw her he couldn’t help but remember the lifeless anger that had been captured in them only a few days previous. He had been terrified.
He was still terrified.
But that didn’t matter anymore, did it? He had come here for a reason, and it wasn’t to mope around in the back of the church.
Chest still aching, he forced himself back to his feet.
The graveyard was bigger than he’d remembered it. And luckily for him, it was also completely empty. He trudged along the path lining the open space between the rows of headstones. It’s edge was neatly framed by golden dandelions marking the beginning of summer.
He should be sad that he wouldn’t be there to see it, but he wasn’t.
He couldn’t have cared less.
Sunny found Mari’s grave surrounded by flowers. There was a white egret orchid–the same one that had been there two years ago. Beside it was a lily of the valley, along with a lone sunflower. On the other side of her gravestone sat a couple poorly clustered roses and a bouquet of purple daisies.
It was comforting to know that they hadn’t forgotten about her, even if they seemed to be moving on with their lives. Sunny couldn’t help the bitter smile forming on his lips.
He was a little jealous, remembering how happy they had all been, even if it was only for a couple days. But…he had to tell them the truth. He couldn’t keep living the stupid lie he had created.
He had already let his life be controlled by the little black bulb of an idea before, and telling the truth was the only way he was able to free himself of it.
Even if that freedom hadn’t lasted longer than a couple seconds.
He stared at his sister’s headstone. This was stupid, wasn’t it? This was the kind of cheesy goodbye he’d read about in books and rolled his eyes at. Yet here he was, ready to do the same thing that they had.
“H–hey, Mari…” He cringed as his voice wavered. He folded his arms, squeezing the flesh above his elbows as he tried to steady himself.
It didn’t matter if it was cheesy, or stupid, or just plain weird. He didn’t know what would happen to him after his heart stopped beating, and so he needed to do this.
He needed her to know.
“I–um…I know it’s been a while.” Sunny figured six years was a little more than ‘a while’, but decided against correcting himself. “It’s been… really rough without you here.”
His throat burned.
“I guess–well, you probably know that already.” He paused. He hadn’t exactly planned out what he wanted to say. He didn’t come here to tell the story of everything that had happened since her death; there was no point in explaining how their father had left, or how Mewo still looked for her sometimes. She didn’t need to know about his grades in school, or how their mother still pretended to love him after what he’d done. “I’m sorry, Mari.”
The words left his mouth dry.
“I’m sorry.”
His eyes stung.
“I should’ve…I should’ve done this sooner.”
The silence of the graveyard became more apparent as he stood, trembling, over his sister’s grave. He was happy for it, though. There were a lot of things he should’ve done sooner, and he had a lot of regrets to accompany them.
But there was nothing he could do about it now.
Sunny unzipped the backpack that had been slung over his shoulder. The poor thing was almost completely empty, but it was better than having to carry a bulky book around everywhere.
“This–these don’t belong to me.” He pulled the familiar green album from the bag. “But…I can’t give them back to the person they do belong to, so it’s best if you have them.”
He hesitated, the urge to look through the old photos briefly overcoming him. But Sunny had burned those memories into his mind, and he didn’t want to go through the pain of seeing them again. He set the book on the ground, laying it flat so that the wind couldn’t blow it away.
“You…you made them, after all.” He smiled, rubbing his eye free of tears. “You kept us together, and you were loved by all of us. Without you, we wouldn’t have been able to make these memories.”
The album sat, unmoving in the patchy dirt, as expected. If it wasn’t blown away, then it would probably be destroyed by rain. But…was that really a bad thing?
These were Basil’s memories, and a lot of them were of her. This book belonged to them, and if neither of them could have it, then maybe it was better this way.
These memories would forever stay theirs and theirs alone, no outside factors could ever change that.
And this way, there was no risk of any outsider trying to change that.
No little brother left to scribble over each and every photo.
“I love you, Mari.”
He stared at the headstone once again, hoping fruitlessly for any response.
Would she have been proud of him?
Would she have, after everything, repeated the phrase?
“Sunny, I love you too.”