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Chapter Text

Imola 2027

Every year at Monaco race, Max thought of Charles. In all honesty, there was always a thought for him every time he went by Ferrari’s motorhome or was in Italy. After all those years being rivals and almost friends, he knew Monaco had always been in Charles’ heart. He remembered kindly making fun of him when he’d saw his Ferrari with Monaco flag on it but he wasn’t surprised anymore. Nothing can be surprising from a man who has his formula one number on his car and his signature on the seats. Absolutely nothing.

He didn’t know why but after 3 years, there was still a part of him hoping he would comeback and race against each other again. Their rivalry was a missing piece in his life, they’d been together since karting and suddenly, he disappeared like he never even existed once in their life. But he did. He remembered each podiums they’d shared together. Even the ones where Charles was without him. He didn’t know why but he did.

But staring at Imola’s track before starting their first free practice, feeling his heart becoming a little painful and sour, maybe it was time to admit it wasn’t only their rivalry he was missing but Charles himself. He knew it was going to be worse at the next stop, Monaco. It wasn’t fair, Max had lost Daniel at the end of their 2022 season despite him still being around in his life and at the end of 2023 after robbing him another WDC, Charles also left but he had no reason unlike the aussie. He’d shaken his head, no, it wasn’t fair neither to say he’d been robbed because he deserved it. They’d fought till the end and despite how deceived he was, he’d been happy. Happy to see how Charles’ smile was genuine, bright but he’d noticed something was kinda off. He should’ve asked. Maybe he would’ve never left.

He looked at his phone, opening a conversation and sending a message to Charles. He didn’t know if he had seen them for the last years or if he’d changed his phone number, if a random and maybe creepy person was getting it. He’d send a text at every Monaco and Italian grand prix, each birthday. He also drunk texted sometimes, once saying he may have missed him and his stupid French ass before correcting himself by saying Charles was Monegasque and not a Frenchie. It was embarrassing but it didn’t matter anymore. It wasn’t like Charles was still in his life despite his want to.

This year, his mind was full of him. Maybe it was because he was going to turn 30 soon and he’d always imagined they would still be racing against each other, fighting for titles. Damn, getting older was making him more emotional and he didn’t like it. Everything was like a reminder that he wasn’t here anymore. He had something Max never had, Charles was like a sunshine, warm and bright. With him around, every place was like a warm home where he knew there would be a great and soft welcome. For the first time, he understood he’d always seen him like a safe place despite denying the fact they were friends because they weren’t. Or were they ? He wasn’t sure anymore. If someone asked him now, older and more mature, he would answer that yes, they’d been friends.

Winning in Imola as a Ferrari driver was amazing, he heard. But as a RedBull Driver, it was like Monza, you’re booed because you aren’t in red. Losing himself in his own thoughts, maybe he would’ve liked to win in Red alongside Charles and won’t even be bothered by being second on a podium as long as it was with him.

He laughed bitterly, If his young self was hearing him, he would disagree so hard. He had always thought he had to be the best, being first, being a world champion. He was a quadruple world champion now. But he was going to retire soon, he wasn’t planning on extending his contract again. It was ending next season and then, he wasn’t going to be an active F1 driver anymore. He was so sure of his decision but at the same time he wasn’t, not knowing what else to do.

“ Max !” Someone called.

He turned around, recognizing Lando’s voice. He tried to smile but seeing him in red next to Carlos was pinching his heart like the first time he got into Ferrari, knowing it shouldn’t after all this time.  

“ You look lost.” Lando said.

“ You hope so you can try to get the pole.” Max smirked.

“ Of course.” The brit smiled, “ Winning here as a Ferrari driver is amazing ! I want to win. But let’s not forget this curse… Charles was the last one from Scuderia to win in Italy.”

“ I know. I ended third behind Carlos.” Max answered, “ I have to go or Christian is going to rip my head off.”

“ You’re his golden boy, he would never.” Carlos said.

“ Don’t underestimate him.”

Max smiled, leaving to go back into Red Bull’s garage. Yes, Ferrari never won again his home races till now. He tried to not let his mind slip out and think of something else than a race weekend. He had to think about Imola. Imola. Imola. Charles.

During the weekend, he got the pole but his heart was not really into it. His dad was there and would be more than annoyed if he wasn’t showing proudness. Unfortunately, his race didn’t go as great as everyone thought and he had to DNF due to his car’s reliability. He’d seen his dad reaction on the big screen, mad and deceived. Providing him a feeling od déjà-vu. It wasn’t his fault. He came back to Red Bull’s, deciding to take off his race suit before getting into the garage and watch the race. His dad talked about how deceived he was, Max saying it wasn’t his fault if the car was just shit today. There was nothing he could’ve done better to prevent it and he was too tired to end in an argument for things like that.

He saw live how both Ferrari’s went outside the track after hitting each other reminding him of some past scene. After seeing they were fine, he chuckled, thinking if him and Daniel years before at Baku. He’d been so mad. Again, Imola would not see the reds on the podium after another DNF. He couldn’t help but laugh, hearing George complaining about how he was not happy with his tyres. He wondered if one day, only one race, it would be fine for him. Checo had won followed by the Mercedes. Max felt happy for him, knowing he was going to retire at the end of the season. It wasn’t really the race he imagined but it was fine, he learned by the time going by that it wasn’t always going as we wanted. He’d to listen to his dad complain, telling him to do better in Monaco. Max was annoyed but agreed to be free as quick as possible.

Later that day, he went back to Monaco with Lando and Carlos who didn’t talk to each other most of the time. Max had to admit he held back his laugh, wondering how it was going to be tonight since they were literally living together. Maybe being engaged to a another driver wasn’t the best idea they had. But he knew it was going to be quickly forgotten as always. He’d seen way much worse argument between them and he was always in the middle, which was not the best place. Lando had spent countless night sleeping at Max’s place, complaining, sometimes crying. Maybe it was going to happen again this night. The dutchman learned he was bad at comforting people, putting even more doubts and trouble in his friend’s mind. He also learned it was better for him to not speak much and listen, showing he was here for him no matter what.

Once at his place, he was glad to be with Jimmy and Sassy again. He was going to stay longer than the rest of the season despite his house not being as warm as he wanted. After taking a shower, he went on the balcony, sitting and watching the city lights in the night. It was relaxing and great. He looked at his phone, seeing that Ferrari account had posted a story about their last win at Imola who had been by Charles, his heart being pinched again. Everything and everyone wanted him to think about the monégasque. He went on Charles’ account which hadn’t been updated for 3 years neither. Still in Ferrari colors, frozen on his world title.

They all tried to ask his family about him but it seemed like they were as lost as them or maybe they were just really good actors. He loved his family, Monaco, his team. Why would he leave so abruptly everything he cherished ? He couldn’t understand.

He'd rose up his head, hearing a sudden midnight rain. He smiled, remembering something he was maybe cherishing a little too much. Charles and him, dancing while it was raining at midnight, hugging each other, drunk but happy. They were free, enjoying their life. He sighed, missing this time.

He went back inside, the weather becoming a little too cold, going to bed where were already sleeping the cats. He petted them softly. He had nothing but them. He’d broken up with Kelly during the 2023 season and never dated anyone in the meantime, claiming he wanted freedom. He remembered how much of a drama it had been but as a lot of things, he didn’t cared. Now almost in his thirties, he was single but didn’t know if he was happy. Not because he wasn’t sharing anyone’s life but in general. He was enjoying his racing life but was it real happiness ? He hadn’t gotten an answer yet.

He received a message from Lando saying he was in the elevator. Max decided to not get out of bed, telling him he had the keys to get in by himself, which his friend did as most of the time. Knowing where to find him, the brit got into the bedroom, letting himself fall on the bed before trying to get Jimmy.

“ Can I stay here ? I don’t wanna kill my fiancé.”

“ You shouldn’t have crashed into him.”

“ I didn’t do it on purpose !”

“ I hope so !”

“ Fuck, why did I fell in love with my teammate ? It sucks.”

“ I can’t really relate to it.”

“ …I mean… Checo wouldn’t be your type at all.”

“ Who would be ?”

“ Lewis.” Lando smirked.

“ What the fuck are you saying !”

Max kicked him, making the brit laugh, proud of his answer like a child.

“ Okay, I was just messing with you. Even now, I would say…uhm…Daniel and Charles. “

“ Why ?”

“ Because they’re the only ones who were fine to deal with Mad Max before you became Super Max. But I don’t know, I have this feeling they’d always been the ones matching your energy the best.”

 “ You chose someone who’s engaged and someone who disappeared quicker than Carlos in a social event.”

Lando stared at him, giggling at his sarcasm. Max never thought about his men’s type, he wasn’t attracted to them and wasn’t gay or bi neither. His dad would’ve had a heart attack or would’ve killed him otherwise. He was aware some fans were doing some weird shipping like himself and Daniel, Lando once talked about it, thinking it was way too funny to not share. Max had always been sure his friend was reading what the fans thought or were writing about him and Carlos.

“ You never said it had to be someone who was still on the grid.” He answered, “ I’m tired so let’s talk tomorrow. I want to sleep with you because you don’t know how hard it is to not sleep with someone when you’re used to it.”

“ You’ll do whatever you want anyway.”

“ I’m gonna take a quick shower, then I can come back and cuddle Jimmy.”

“ My place is almost yours so...”

“ Next step is redecorating some room because you suck at it.”

“ Fuck off Lando or you’ll go back home.”

The youngest chuckled as always, taking clothes he’d left the last time before heading to the bathroom. Max had taken a deep breath, looking at Sassy who came closer, purring against him and putting her head in his neck. She was cuddlier today but he wasn’t against it. She was so calming that he fell asleep knowing Lando would be totally fine without him, dreaming of a live where he was at Ferrari with Charles but even in his dream, he thought red wasn’t his color at all unfortunately. But it was definitely Charles’.

Max needed answers, what made someone like him who loved his life so deeply disappear ? How was it even possible ? Formula one had became more popular, he didn’t understand how he’d never been seen somewhere. Monaco was also small and Charles definitely had a face and car everyone knew. There was no way he stayed here. Maybe the question he wanted to ask the most was “ Why did you left me ?” but he wasn’t ready to admit it.

Chapter Text

Max had to endure Lando the next day, telling him to stop annoying his poor little cats. As always, they shared a meal and trained together, Max listening to his friend’s complains and fuck, he was still amazed by how much there was after all this time.

“ Have you ever read what people were writing about you ?” Lando asked.

“ Not really, they’re saying shit.”

“ I’m seeing so much and I’m receiving so much hate too. 3 years of Charles being gone and they’re comparing us, telling me I would never be like him… I don’t want to be like him, I am my own person, why does people always drag others down ? I hate that.”

Max sighed. He was used to it and had never been that bothered. If people wanted to hate on him, it wasn’t his problem. If they were hating him for winning, he didn’t care. He won’t ever apologize for winning or anything else. Sebastian had been such a wise man when he’d said that.

“ I know. I already told you, it shouldn’t matter. You aren’t Charles, you are Lando, someone who’s now driving for Ferrari and loves to complain or talk about his lovely Spanish fiancé. Everyone is different. But I really mean it, do not give credits to people who don’t know you.”

“ I don’t know how you’re so chill about it.”

“ Mate, if I had to listen to what everyone had said about me and care about it, I would be dead.”

“ It’s getting a little better, though.”

“ I suppose. I’m gonna retire next season anyway.”

“ You said you weren’t sure !”

“ I… My whole life had been racing, I’m not sure because I don’t know what to do after that. I never had other huge interest. But I think it’s a great time to leave. I don’t have a meaningful reason like Sebastian had, my children are my cats. And saying I want to retire for my cats on tv wouldn’t be the worst but not the best thing I would’ve said.” He laughed.

“ If you leave, I’ll miss you even if you’re mean.”

“ If I was, you would’ve slept on the balcony.”

“ Okay okay, you’re kind. I promised I was going to stream today but there is no way I’m coming back home before tonight.”

“ Yes, just do it from here.”

Max rolled his eyes, Lando didn’t have to ask since he knew him way too well. It wasn’t like it was bothering anyway and with that, he would get some peace.

“ You can play something with me !”

“ At the end of your stream, we can play a little.”

“ Oh my god, Max Verstappen, Quadruple world champion is going to make an appearance ? I’m honored !”

“ I understand why Carlos can’t stand you.”

“ Shut up, he loves me too much just like you.”

“ I don’t love you at all.”

Lando stared at him, giving him a middle finger in the air while Max just smirked. He wasn’t impressed. They were messing with each other so much and he was never bored of it. Despite all he was saying, Lando was such a funny and caring person he loved to be around.

“ Do you miss him ?” The brit suddenly asked.

“ Who ? Carlos ? I pretty much see both of you more than my family even outside the track.”

“ No. Charles.”

Max had been surprised. Not even once someone had asked something like that. No one ever turned this question like this. He’d heard a lot “ What do you think about it, about him disappearing ?”, “ Why did he left ?”. But he had no answer for any of that. He didn’t know what to think, why he’d done it. It came to the point where he wasn’t even sure that his rival was still alive.

“ Our rivalry is what I miss.” He carefully answered.

“ Are you sure it’s only your rivalry ?”

“ Spill what you wanna say.”

“ I didn’t sleep right away yesterday. It’s just…You whispered his name in your sleep.”

“ Oh.”

Max didn’t know what else to say. It was embarrassing and he was sure his face turned red. He felt like a child being caught doing something he shouldn’t. It wasn’t that deep but it felt kind of wrong.

“ It wasn’t the first time…” Lando continued.

The dutchman looked away, biting his inner cheek. It wasn’t the first time he’d dreamed about Charles but he’d always chose to forget it, especially one that made his face becoming a little more redder. He’d taken a deeper breath, trying to stay natural and trying to forget again this dream he may have liked.

“ It’s because we were in Italy. And Monaco’s race is coming. I don’t miss him.”

“ Even if you do, It’s okay. We all miss him.”

“ But I don’t.”

“ Okay.”

“ You don’t trust me ?”

“ I’ve never said that.”

He didn’t explicitly said it but Max knew and Lando’s smile was comforting him in his thought. He should’ve left him in the elevator yesterday or call Carlos to pick him up. Why was he still accepting such a troublemaker at his place ? Maybe he loved to suffer.

“ If it’s your truth then I accept it.”

“ You’re a fucking little piece of shit.” Said Max.

“ Love you too.” The brit answered getting up and kissing his cheek in a teasing way, “ I’m going to stream, see ya baby !”

“ Fuck you.”

He’d heard him laugh before it faded since he got in the room. Max had taken the pillow on the couch, letting himself fall on it, putting the cushion on his face. He didn’t want to miss Charles and he didn’t. Or did he ? He stayed like this for a while, somehow hoping to not kill himself by accident with this cushion but doubted it was possible anyway. At some point, Lando had the audacity to text him, asking for a drink because he’d forgotten. He texted back, saying that he didn’t care if he ended up dehydrated. And yet, he brought him a bottle of water, opening silently while his friend was talking to his chat, Jimmy on his laps.

“ Oh my god, chat ! We have a special guest !”

Max decided to show up only a little, giving him his water after waving to his friend’s chat.

“ Yes, chat, I’m at Max’s place because he feels lonely.”

“ Fuck you or you’ll come back home sooner than you think.”

“ You can’t curse.”

“ I’m gonna do so much bad things that you’re going to be ban if you continue to annoy me.”

“ Threatening me in front of my chat. That’s another level, Mad Max.” Lando answered with a scandalized face before smiling, “ Play with me !”

After staring at him, Max sighed, agreeing and making the brit happy like a child who’d got a new toy. Of course, Lando couldn’t say he ran away from Carlos, they weren’t out to the world yet even after all this time. Their families were aware of it, some people in the grid and older drivers. Maybe others had suspicion but they’d never asked any questions or said anything about it. He’d been amazed by how they were able to act like best friends knowing how shitty was Lando at lying sometimes.

Since the brit still couldn’t handle to lose after all this time, he just went into a rage mode forgetting he wasn’t at his place, making the camera fall, scaring Jimmy and Sassy who came in the meantime.

“ Lando ! No more game for you here !”

“ You cheated !”

“ No I didn’t !”

“ Stop denying !”

They continued to argue, putting back the camera, kind of relieved it wasn’t broken. Max looked for his cats in the room, noticing they’d left to go somewhere quieter for sure. He’d left the room when he received a phone call, which was Christian. They talked for a while, planning a meeting for the next day while he was hearing Lando’s scream again. He muted himself during the phone call, yelling at his friend to shut the fuck up and stop the stream before breaking something. He then came back to Christian as if nothing happened. He sighed when, still on his call, the bell rang. Why was everything coming at the same time ? He opened the door, seeing Carlos and gesturing him to enter before closing the door. Luckily, Christian ended the call two minutes after, letting him free. The Spaniard seemed amused.

“ So, you’re a cheater ?”

“ You watched the stream, did you ?”

“ Of course.”

“ He almost broke my desk and my camera.”

“ That’s Lando. He broke ours.”

“ Please, take him back.”

“ I wasn’t even mad, he thought I was and then build up a whole story about how I was going to finally break up with him and you know how he is. I’m engaged to a drama queen.”

“ I mean, you chose him mate.”

“ I did.” Carlos smiled, “ Did he talk about how he was living his first year at Ferrari ?”

“ A little. About all the hate he’s receiving and how he’s compared to Charles.”

“…Yes. I try to protect him from this hate but Lando will always be Lando, he tries to be close to the fans but it also make him see more things.”

“ He’s too good for some people.”

“ Unfortunately.”

“ Max ! I stopped, don’t call Carlos.” Lando yelled getting out of the room before noticing his fiancé, “ Oh fuck.”

“ Querido, that’s not really nice. I thought we could all go out and eat.”

“ I can’t, I’m eating with Daniel tonight. But let’s do a movie night after, okay ? I won’t be home too late.”

“ Sounds great. I hope you didn’t break Max’s desk like ours.”

“ No ! I didn’t. Maybe you can just see…I was there.”

“ Next time, you stay in the elevator.” Max said.

“ That’s what you said last time.” Lando answered with a smile, “ And hearing you whispering in your sleep is too interesting. Carlos, do you think Max miss Charles ?”

“ I think everyone who’d been with him does ?” The Spaniard smiled.

“ But I don’t.” Max quickly answered.

“ That’s the problem, Maxy ! You’re denying your real feelings.”

“ Cariño, don’t annoy him too much. You can’t force him to think or admit what you want.”

Max barely felt so grateful towards Carlos. Maybe it was because he was older and calmer than Lando about it. He didn’t want to talk about Charles, thinking of him already felt like suffocating sometimes. At least, he didn’t want to do it with his young friend.

“ But Car-“

“ Lando.” His fiancé interrupted.

The brit finally understood, stopping. Max was relieved, thanking the world to have Carlos as a mediator. Lando suggested they could play altogether and this time, he wasn’t going to break anything. After talking a little, they played till the youngest had to leave for his meeting with Daniel.  The Spaniard didn’t leave right after, Max taking this opportunity to talk a little while they were sitting on the couch.

“ Thank you for saving me.”

“ I saw you didn’t want to talk about it. And for me it’s totally fine.”

“ I noticed something was wrong with Charles.”

“ You did ?”

“ He’s like a sunshine. But when he won his title and even a little before, he wasn’t as bright as he used to be.”

This time, Max talked without really thinking and he was already regretting it. He noticed Carlos’ little smile, his cheeks suddenly burning. He’d admitted he was seeing him as a sunshine. He almost felt ashamed of it.

“ Oh.”

“ That’s…Well…He wasn’t really like a sunshine…It’s…”

“ I understood. You must’ve been really attentive to notice it.”

“ I’ve known him since we were in karting. I just can see it easier ? I’m sure Pierre noticed it too.”

The dutchman was now careful while explaining himself. He didn’t want to let anything else slip from his thoughts. He felt like it was way too personal.

“ Of course. He also noticed when you weren’t feeling well while no one else did. When you got sick.”

Max stared at his friend. He knew what he was talking about. During their 2023 season, he’d felt sick but decided not to say anything since a race was the same weekend. He didn’t feel bad enough to be replaced, nor did he want to talk about it to someone else. But Charles was suddenly caring, telling him to drink, asking if he wanted to chill a bit with him. He just thought it was because the weather was hotter than usual and that Charles just wanted an excuse.

“ I just thought he wanted to chill a bit and it was better with someone else.”

“ No, he was worried. And he was right after all. But he knew he couldn’t talk directly about it with you.”

He remembered how it was worse than he’d thought, qualifying being kind of a mess but the race had been even worse. He’d made a mistake, being to close to Charles’ car, touching it and ending into a barrier. It was like Silverstone, maybe a little worse. He didn’t really remember it, the impact making his mind going blank. He’d seen the footage after, Charles was out like him even if people had said after he could’ve drove back to the pit. The Monegasque didn’t waste any second, getting out of his car and running to him being the first there. His voice was still echoing in his mind calling him after he’d opened his visor, meeting Charles’ eyes who looked so worried. Back then, he’d felt relieved to see such familiar eyes which despite showing worries were mostly bright and warm as he liked. Getting out of the car was hard and painful, feeling dizzy. He was relying on Charles way too much, not even caring about the medical car that came and the doctor who was just next to him. The Monegasque had accompanied him to the ambulance before being asked to go with the medical car.

Charles came to his hotel room after being done with all his duties to Ferrari, apologizing for what had happened. Max wasn’t used to such things, butterflies filling his stomach and warm surroundings in heart. The Dutchman answered it was his own fault, he’d made a mistake. Charles made sure he was fine, asking if he needed anything. They ended up eating together, talking about their childhood in karting and how much fun they had besides being in a rivalry. Max loved this moment. Casual and lovely.

“ I wouldn’t have listened. But now, I would. It could’ve ended way more badly.”

“ Definitely. Charles had been a pain about it and even went to Red Bull to know if you were really fine. Now that Lando isn’t here anymore, do you miss him ?”

“ I just always thought we were going to race against each other for years. More years than we did.”

Carlos smiled, noticing how smoothly he avoided a real answer to his question but he decided to let it go.

“ I thought we were going to be teammates longer too.” The Spaniard answered.

Max chose to talk about something else before Carlos finally asked him to go out and eat together. He accepted with a smile, knowing he wasn’t going to last long, his friend had to prepare his movie night with Lando. They went out, enjoying their time and having a great meal before going back home. Once there, the Dutchman was finally alone with his thoughts and cats. Was he missing Charles ? He had to admit that yes, he missed him more than he should or wanted to.

Chapter Text

Max didn’t know what he was actually feeling, not able to understand himself. Thinking about Charles became a daily thing, way more than previous years. Why now ? He didn’t know. Daniel had noticed how weird he looked which was the main reason he had asked to spend time with him. Max had agreed instantly, thinking it would be fun to be with his friend. And he’d been totally right. After all this time, Daniel was still like a fresh breeze and a comforting friend.

But once again, late in the afternoon and alone, his mind was focused on Charles, the years they’d spent together and what could’ve happened if he stayed. Maybe he wouldn’t be a quadruple champion, Charles may have won another title. All of this seemed so childish, dreaming about a life were someone would still be there. Especially when it was only someone he’d been racing against.

But Charles wasn’t only that. Charles was, indeed, someone who had been special for a lot of persons. For Ferrari, for Carlos, for his friends, family and fans. For him.

Lost in his thoughts, he’d however heard his phone ringing, answering without even looking at who it was. He’d recognized his voice, it was Lando as always.

“ Max, I think he’s cheating on me.”

The Dutchman held back a sight. Another thing coming from Lando’s imagination for sure. He was almost amazed he didn’t come with something like this before.

“ Why ?”

“ He’s weird. I know he’s stressed about Monaco’s race but it’s not only that. I really tried to convince me I was making things as always, I know it happens, but this time I promise it’s not something I made up.”

“ Lando… Carlos is madly in love with you, you both are engaged. What made you thought something like that ?”

“ Even marriage doesn’t stop cheating Max ! He’s receiving more texts lately and he always has his phone. Before he sometimes left it around the house, he left when he thought I was sleeping because I normally take my pills but once, I didn’t. I felt too tired and just passed out so I heard him. And tonight he was supposed to stay here and then changed his plan.”

“ Calm down. Maybe he’s waiting for important calls. For leaving at night, he may just have needed some time outside and went for a walk. And changing plan happen.”

“ Who the fuck goes for a walk at midnight ?”

“ Me ?”

“ Bloody hell, you’re weird.” Answered Lando, “ Do you think I should ask ? I’m afraid he’ll be upset after.”

“ I don’t know.”

“ Can I come over when he leaves ? I need Jimmy’s hug.”

“ Yes. Just come. Let’s have a cheat meal tonight.”

“ Sound amazing. Maybe I’ll cry.”

“ No offense but you cry minimum once a month for things about Carlos.”

“ I hate that you’re right.”

“ See you soon. The cats are already waiting for you.”

“ See you. Prepare some tissues please.”

“ Alright.”

Max hung up, staring at Jimmy and Sassy, petting them softly.

“ Uncle Lando is gonna come and make our life hell because of his imagination, kids. We are fucked.”

He decided to watch some stupid things while waiting for his friends before getting on his phone. He answered to his mom, he’d hoped she could make it to Monaco but couldn’t. He was kinda disappointed but knew she was going to come to another one. He was missing her more than he would ever admit it, there was a lot of things he wanted to talk about or tell her. But it wasn’t his type just like his dad. He’d always wondered if he’d been with his mom, he would be different. Maybe more open to others. His dad conditioned him to be a cold machine who had to win no matter what. Jos wanted him to extend his contract again, to beat more records, to show how superior Verstappen’s was. He was tired of it.

 Looking at something Lando had sent him on Instagram, he noticed Ferrari had tagged him in a story. Curious, he looked at it noticing it was still about Charles, being a pic of them hugging each other after getting a podium together, the team asking if they were still the favorite rivalry. As always, his heart felt heavier but also empty and cold. Max thought they couldn’t surprise him anymore but they did. For 3 years, they may have posted once or twice about Charles. In a week, they did twice. It became almost weird but if Ferrari knew something about him, Lando would’ve told him because this kid couldn’t shut up to Max who was aware of all the gossip especially things he didn’t even want to hear about. The brit finally came with their usual cheat meal looking totally ready to talk for hours about all the insecurities he still had after spending 3 years with Carlos.

Max had listened to Lando while they were eating, continuing even when they got on the couch, petting the cats. All of this made him think about something else but he was now wondering if it may be true. He’d been friend with the Spaniard since their Red Bull era and he knew he wasn’t like that. Or at least, he hoped.

“ You didn’t cry. I’m amazed.”

“ Hey ! You almost seems disappointed.”

“ Fuck, I thought I hided it well.” The dutchman chuckled.

“ You’re the worst.”

“ Mate, everyone knows that.”

“ Once again, I can’t even say you are wrong and I still hate that.” Lando smiled, “ Have you seen what Ferrari posted ?”

“ Yes… I did.”

“ And ?”

“ I still don’t miss him.”

“ I’m surprised they’re posting about him again. And I hope it’s not going to make it worse for me.”

“ I told you, don’t look at what they’re saying about you.”

“ I try. But I still think it’s pretty weird. 3 years of almost nothing about him and then they post twice ? That’s pretty suspicious to me.”

“ It is for me too but I think we’re just overthinking. It’s Monaco, maybe they decided it was time to talk about a past world champion who came from here ?”

“ You’re to rational for me, Mad Max.”

“ I have to, you’re too creative.”

“ George told me I was a drama queen.”

“ He’s right.”

“ Despite you agreeing with him, I wanted to thank you.”

“ Why ?”

“ Because I’m always coming here and you always listen.”

“ That’s what friends do.”

“ But you never come to me.”

“ I have nothing to say. You can see my life is all about my cats and racing. You have something I don’t have, someone you love and loves you back. And you’re also pretty good at making stories.”

 “ Don’t you miss it ? Loving someone and being loved ?”

Max stared at his friend. He didn’t know how to answer to his question. His life outside the track was cold, it was only warm when he was meeting his friends but mostly Daniel since he was a whole sunshine or his mom and sister. He wasn’t even sure he would be able to love someone else again. But Charles was echoing in his mind. However, he chose to ignore it.

“ I don’t know. Maybe I’m not made to love or be loved.”

“ But Charles did.” Lando answered before correcting himself, “ Oh…Maybe I should’ve said Kelly…?”

“ Yes.”

“ Okay, I made a mistake. Sorry.”

“ You’re thinking about him a lot, do you ?” Max chuckled.

The dutchman tried to not show how surprised he was that he mentioned him before anyone else.

“ When I see you, of course, I still hear you whispering his sweet name.”

Max wanted to kick him out or hide somewhere. He was still ashamed he’d been caught by Lando and also that he was doing it without even knowing.

“ It’s not my fault if he’s giving me nightmares !”

He felt his heart aching again when he said that, feeling bad about lying. The problem wasn’t really lying because he’d been doing it a lot but associating Nightmares and Charles didn’t seem right at all.

“ Please, it’s not nightmares at all, you can’t fool me.”

“ Are you in my mind to say that ?”

“ Nope, but I know what nightmares are and you’re always too relaxed.”

“ You’re such a pain, Lando.”

“ Yes, that’s what my parents and siblings told me all my life.”

Max rolled up his eyes, the brit always had something back to say about everything. If they weren’t that close, he would’ve find him irritating for sure. Lando tried to keep Jimmy close to him but the cat decided to run away which made him complain and then sigh.

“ Do you think I’ve made a great choice ? Joining Ferrari ?”

“ I think you could’ve waited one more year to join me at Red bull and spend my last year with me. Don’t you think you’re already enough with Carlos ? And we basically are the winners of the last years.”

“ I knew you loved me too much.”

“ Oh shut up.”

“ But I would’ve liked to be with you for your final year.” Lando answered.

“ But Ferrari is a great choice. You’ll find a comfort in Carlos even when I’ll not be there anymore, he’ll always be with you. But never invite me there as your guest, there is no way I’ll give Ferrari my presence publicly.”

“ Just sneak in when you’ll be there for Red bull, I’ll help you. We’re partner in crime.”

“ Always. Okay, let’s hang out mate ! Let’s have fun without you thinking about something else than enjoying tonight. Just don’t get sick because the race is coming.”

“ Everyone is always telling me to be careful and not be sick… That’s what’s making me sick !”

“ If you say so, Drama Queen.”

Lando complained again before they went out, wanting to go to one of the famous club in Monaco. The brit was the one driving since he almost never drank or only one drink at the beginning. For one thing, he was more responsible than Max. Once there, they started to party and have fun, Lando playing the DJ later while the dutchman was drinking. Girls came to him, trying to talk but he wasn’t interested, only annoyed. At some point, Max went closer to his friend telling him he needed to go outside. He just wanted fresh air, being afar from this loudness that was echoing on his head.

“ I’ll go with you !”

“ No no, it’s fine. I’m not drunk as I can be after winning. I’ll just walk a little.”

“ Oh right, this midnight walk, weirdo.”

“ I’ll come back, don’t disappear in the meantime.”

“ I may be at Ferrari but I’m not Charles.” Lando answered before realizing, “ I-“

“ It’s okay.” Max said.

But it wasn’t. He’d gotten out, now in Monaco’s street, starting to walk but not really knowing where he wanted to go. He didn’t drink enough to be drunk as fuck but enough to feel lighter. He suddenly noticed the path he was taking unconsciously which was leading to a place he knew by heart. It was like a little cove with peddles, never crowned and barely known aside from Monaco’s residents. He’d taken the stairs since it was below, nostalgia filling his heart. The sea was calm so he could get there, sitting and looking at the water with only the sound of the waves hitting in front of him. It was Charles’ favorite place.

The Monegasque had taken him there after Silverstone 2021 and his crash, Max never asked why but foolishly loved it. He was cherishing something like this with him. It may sound stupid to others since it wasn’t that deep but it wasn’t for him. Charles didn’t say anything, only sitting and making him understand to do the same. They stayed like this for a while, enjoying the weather and the peacefulness this place was giving. They’d met here a few time after that, like after their crash when he’d been sick. He’d loved every meeting. He was missing it.

Looking at the sea, he realized he only wanted to share this just once again with Charles, sitting there and asking him all his questions. A lot of thoughts and feelings suddenly appeared, hitting him roughly. Maybe it was the alcohol but his eyes became wet as he was putting his tights to his chest, letting his forehead rest on his knees. Tears slowly started to fall, Max hating himself for that especially because he didn’t know why. Deep down, he knew but if his heart wanted to be honest, his mind wasn’t. His dad always told him crying was being weak and his son couldn’t be. That’s why he never understood how Lando was easily crying so much in front of him before he explained it was because he was feeling safe around Max and it made him being more opened to him.

When he was younger, he’d always hidden to cry even if it barely happened. Once during his karting days, he hided somewhere after his dad yelled at him, saying hurtful things. Jos looked for him and he’d been afraid to be found, knowing it was going to be even worse. But his dad never came. When he got out, Charles was waiting, smiling and telling him he’d told Jos he’d seen him somewhere else. Max didn’t understand why he’d done something like this before thinking it must be pity. The Monegasque denied, saying he only wanted to help him adding that he stayed there to be sure no one would see him. Maybe it was at this time that Max understood rivalry wasn’t defining the relation you had with others and wasn’t excluding kindness. Max stuttered, thanking him before literally running away. Charles had always been a kind person unlike him.

He realized Charles had been around for every step of his life but he won’t for the moment he was gonna retire. And that hurts. 

Max stayed there, his cries being covered by the wave’s hitting the peddles. Again, he preferred to think his reaction was only because he’d drank. When his tears stopped, He stared back at the sea for few minutes before feeling few raindrops. He got up not wanting to stay under the rain and take the risk to be sick for the race. As he was climbing the stairs, he almost fell down since the rain was suddenly getting stronger, becoming a midnight rain. Max even thought that the sky must be angry to change so quickly. Someone grabbed him, not too strongly but enough to not let him fall. When he looked at the person in front of him, all of his body froze. There wasn’t much light and the other was wearing a hoodie that was covering most of his face but Max saw those familiar eyes he loved but not as bright and warm as they used to. He blinked, thinking he must be dreaming or having some hallucinations.

“ Charles ?” He finally whispered as they were getting soaked under the rain.

The stranger let go of him, not saying a word but denying with his head before leaving. Max didn’t move for seconds before finally climbing the stairs as fast as he could.

“ Charles !” He said again, not even seeing this person anymore.

His heart was beating so fast and felt like it was going to stop anytime, his head spinning since he’d been too fast and alcohol wasn’t helping. He looked around while walking back to where he’d left Lando. He startled when someone called him after a car stopped next to him.

“ Carlos ?”

“ Come on, get inside, you’ll end sick.”

Max obeyed, getting in but still confused.

“ I have to go back to Lando.” The dutchman said.

“ Okay. I’ll drive you there.”

He nodded, telling him where they went, staying silent till they parked. He turned to his friend, staring at him.

“ I’ve seen Charles.”

“ Max, it’s impossible.”

“ But I did ! Okay, I couldn’t see much but I can recognize his eyes. Well they weren’t really like before but-“ Tried to explain Max.

“ Okay, calm down. Listen. You’re drunk. You said it yourself, you only saw his eyes, it wasn’t the same and there wasn’t much light. Maybe you only saw someone who’s looking like him ? But it can’t be him. He’s not in Monaco anymore.” Calmly answered the Spaniard.

“ Carlos, I promise, I-“

Max stopped realizing he was behaving like Lando. He felt stupid, thinking he was overreacting. Yes, he was drunk and he must’ve mistaken him. Nothing seemed right but a part of him wanted to think it was true. He’d to stay rational and Carlos was. He must be more in the right than him for sure.

“ Sorry…”

“ Don’t be sorry, I understand and I’ve lived worse by living with Lando.”

“ I suppose…”

“ Is it how you’re finally confessing you’re missing him ?”

“ I-“

He’d lowered his head, what he wanted to say was stuck in his throat becoming tightening.  Was he missing him more than he’d thought or wanted to, making him imagine things ?

“ I have something for you.”

The dutchman had rose up his head with a questioning look, watching him looking for something in his jacket and then his wallet, taking out something that looked like a polaroid.

“ I found it yesterday, it was in our old stuff and I thought you would’ve wanted it after our conversation. I don’t remember why I’m the one to have it.” Carlos explained handling it to him, “ I was waiting to see you.”

Max had taken it with shaky hands, looking at it carefully, his heart pounding.

“ It’s…”

“ From our 2023 season, yes.”

He felt like his breath was stuck. He was watching the picture, remembering it for the first time in years. All the drivers had been there, enjoying their time altogether aside the track. Alex’s girlfriend had come over too, taking pictures of all of them with her Polaroid. She’d taken this picture representing him and Charles, smiling at each other.

Max stared at it, a smile slowly taking place on his face. Even him could see he was happy to be there, to be with Charles. He remembered this fondly and warmly. As always when it came to his friend.

“ Lando always said your smile was more genuine when you didn’t know a picture was taken.”

“I remember she’d taken a picture but not this one…”

“ That’s the only one I had. I think Charles was the one having the other.”

“ Thank you.” Only answered Max.

He’d taken a deep breath, feeling calmer than before. After taking his phone, he’d decided to put the picture at the back of it to not lose it by mistake, making a mental note he’d to take it off at home.

“ Sorry for being crazy earlier.”

“ I live with a crazy drama queen, mate. Nothing is touching me anymore.” He giggled.

Max laughed, getting inside the club once again with Carlos this time, Lando still there. The brit had been surprised before feeling delighted to see his fiancé. Max said he wanted to get home, claiming the rain that soaked him was annoying as fuck and didn’t want to end sick. Lando understood, driving him back home while Carlos went back to his. Max didn’t talk at all about what had happened, staying silent since he wasn’t understanding all of it himself. He had to think about it tomorrow, when he was going to have a clearer mind.

After a warm shower, he went straight to his bed, tired after all he’d to live today. Of course, Charles was in his mind. He’d taken his phone, going to their conversation and sending a text before locking his phone and putting it away. He’d closed his eyes, falling asleep.

I miss you.

Chapter Text

Lando was in his bed at home, still not sleeping despite having media duties the next day. Deeply lost in his thought, he was surprised when Carlos called him before laying next to the Brit. He sighed, turning to him. The Spaniard had let his hand going through his fiancé curls, playing with it.

“ Are you still thinking I’m gonna run away soon ?”

“ No, I’m thinking about Max.”

“ Why ?”

“ I can’t believe he’ll not extend. Fernando is still there !”

“ But his contract is ending this year, he’ll leave. Remember what said Helmut years ago, he’d always said Max wasn’t gonna stay as long as people thought.”

“ Yes but…”

“ I know he’s like your brother, Cariño. I’m sure he’ll stay around anyway. He can still come to races.”

“ He said there was no way he wanted to be invited by Ferrari.” Lando smiled.

“ That’s totally Max.”

“ Can you believe it ?... In the span of 2 years Red Bull will have a full new driver’s line.”

“ It’s formula one, everything change.”

“ I’m wondering if Charles was there and still at Ferrari, if he would have extended.”

“ What do you think ?”

“ I think…He would’ve done it. They had this thing to always want to be competitive against each other but still, were good mates outside. And he looked happier. I’ve always thought there Max had this little something for Charles. Maybe he doesn’t realize it himself ? I don’t know. Or maybe I’m just making stories again.”

“ Max had always been someone who had trouble to understand himself. But he has a pure heart that had to be hidden because he was raised to be a cold machine. Now, he’s showing it more because he’s comfortable around us and that’s also why you like him that much so does he. I’m sure he doesn’t realize a lot of things or maybe he does slower than us.”

“ I want him to talk to me like I do but he doesn’t want to.”

“ Because he isn’t like you. If he really wants to talk he will. Max’s love is showing by his act. Remember for his first title how close and tight he hugged you.”

“ You’re right…” Lando sighed, “ I want to know what happened with Charles so Max can just move on from because I know he doesn’t.”

“ Maybe one day.”

“ If you knew something about him, you would tell me, right ?”

“ Of course.” Answered Carlos.

“ Because it’s important for Max too.”

“ I know, I promise I would if I knew.”

“ Don’t you think Ferrari posting about him twice in a week is weird ?”

“ Not really. It’s Monaco, Charles’ race and he’s still our last world champion.”

“ I don’t like that. I feel like people are getting even more angry at me since they post again. It’s getting too much. Maybe Max was right… I should’ve waited one more year and spend his last year with him at Red Bull.”

“ So the Dutch lion is trying to steal my baby ? That’s a shame.”

Lando stared at him, laughing and hitting him gently.

“ Shut uuup.”

“ Never.”  Carlos smiled, “ You should take your pills now to sleep, there will be a lot of talk with the team and media about the race tomorrow.”

“ Then stop talking.”

The Spaniard rolled up his eyes, waiting for him to take his sleeping pills before hugging him and keeping him close.

“ I hate having to take this shit.”

“ You’re too stressed and overthinking. The only time I don’t is when I’m racing.”

“ That’s the way I am. And I hate it.”

“ I love you as a whole, Mi amor. I want you to love yourself like that too.”

“ I’m trying. But I love you.”

“ I mean, you’re my fiancé.”

“ Oh yeah, right, I accepted to marry you. Fuck.”

Carlos chuckled, kissing him. Lando slowly fell asleep against his future husband.

The next day after lots of talking, he joined Max since they were together in the press conference. His friend seemed kinda off today but he also knew it was because he wasn’t much into media duties. The brit also knew They were only able to talk a little before the conference. It went great even if it was pretty boring till a sudden question was asked to Lando.

“ You have only signed 2 years for Ferrari. Do you feel threatened in your position after people speculated Charles Leclerc will come back after apparently being seen with Mattia Binotto and your teammate ? ”

Lando didn’t answer right away, needing time for his mind to proceed the question. He suddenly felt sweaty, not knowing what to answer since he’d never heard about something like that. He was about to turn to Max in a desperate attempt to find help but stopped himself, trying to answer without his voice shaking.

“ I don’t because I’ve never heard about this. People like to speculate to bring others down. Charles hasn’t been around for years. That’s my answer.”

“ Can it be because you’ve only be in the team for a few months and you weren’t allowed to know about it ? ”

“ I-“

“ I think you should be sure of your information before asking him something like this. What’s your point by asking if he’s threatened ? Do you want him to feel like that ? Lando is as much a Ferrari’s driver as Carlos. Being in a team for only few months doesn’t change that. You better learn it before saying bullshit, what the fuck is wrong with you ?” Coldly answered Max.

Lando finally turned to his friend as a silence was taking place, making the atmosphere uncomfortable. The dutchman felt mad, he didn’t know if it was of this stupid question or mentioning Charles possible return. He was sure it was bullshit as always, media were often saying shitty things. He’d been used to that since they loved more than anything since they were writing and saying lots of things about him, exaggerating most of the time or speculating. That was certainly the most tiring thing in his life. He was maybe going to be in trouble for what he’d just said but it wouldn’t be the first time. He was aware Lando was going to overthink more than others and he only wanted to try to protect him a little from the world despite him being way older than when they met for the first time. He would always be like a little brother.

They quickly moved on, Max and Lando leaving quicker than the others and avoiding their PR team even better than usual. Carlos was in the next group so they were going to be alone to think about it for a short time. The dutchman was able to see his friend’s anxiousness as always, rubbing his back to comfort him.

“ Do you think it’s true ?” The brit asked, his voice shaking more than he wanted to.

“ It’s not.”

“ I don’t know, he seemed sure of it and-“ He stopped when his throat became tighter, “ Am I not enough for anyone ?”

“ Lando… It’s not about being enough but you are.”

“ If it’s true, internet will talk about it. They’re always gossiping. We should check.”

“ I told you to not trust internet. Charles isn’t here, he’ll never come back ! He left me and I-“

Max stopped, realizing he’d spilled out something he wanted to keep for him, something that made him feel weaker than he was allowing himself to be. Lando’s stare on him was deep. Way too deep. It was like being exposed and he hated that. No one should know what was his real thought or feelings. Before he could even say anything, Max stopped him.

“ Don’t.”

“ What if it is Max ? Carlos promised if he knew anything, he was gonna tell us. That would mean he lied to me again ?”

The dutchman didn’t answer, taking his phone and deciding to look at it by himself. Some people had indeed posted pics of Binotto, Carlos and someone who was clearly trying to hide himself. Lando had taken a look before staring at Max.

“ Do you think…” The brit started before getting interrupted.

“ I don’t know. Why would he come back now ? ”

Nothing was affirming it was really Charles. It could have been anyone else and this fact was a pure feeling of relieving. But something had suddenly hit him when he’d noticed another pic.

“ This…motherfucker tricked me.”

“ What ?”

“ I thought I saw Charles the day we hanged out. Then I miraculously saw Carlos after and he told me I was drunk and just imagined it. I was stupid enough to trust him and this pic is just proving me I was right because the person I saw was wearing the same outfit.”

Lando seemed almost desperate while Max wasn’t even sad or feeling emotional about the fact he may have really ran into Charles. All he was feeling was anger towards Carlos whom he’d trusted, sharing his personal thought about Charles with him, how he was his sunshine. He felt betrayed and stupid. He should’ve thought it was weird to see the Spaniard so late and even if Monaco wasn’t that big, there was only a little chance to meet each other. He’d tried so calmy to make him think he didn’t meet the Monegasque. Of course, saying it was the alcohol was so easy despite how he felt sure of what he’d seen and was saying. He had to admit Carlos was a great liar. Maybe a little too much.

“ Maybe we are…making up stories ?” Tried Lando.

“ I think this time, we aren’t.”

“ But we can’t be sure…”

“ Yet.”

“ Max…”

“ We have to go.”

“ I’ll try to know more even if I think it’s kinda hopeless..” The brit said.

“ I’ll stay away from Ferrari.”

Lando only nodded, he couldn’t say or do more. Max had left, going back to Red Bull but his mind was miles away. He wasn’t upset toward Charles. Even if he was seeing him right now in the paddock, he wouldn’t. Yes, Charles left. Yes, his absence was like a missing piece, missing this feeling of being home wherever he was such as his bright and warm smile. But he never lied when he was opening up like Carlos did.

He decided to lock himself in his driver room to be alone even if it was for a short time. He had to calm down. Calm his anger and disappointment, his need to see Charles. It wasn’t a want anymore but a need like oxygen. He had a lot of things to ask, to understand. The thought of being face to face, eyes to eyes and losing himself into his gaze was making his heart beating faster.

Carlos may not really be the one to objectively blame for all of this situation but he’d never wanted to feel something bad about Charles. Directing his anger toward the Spaniard was maybe easier without him understanding it. A part of him wanted that all of this was just them making up stories as Lando was usually doing. But, he knew deep down it wasn’t.

Chapter Text

Lando didn’t come back home with Carlos this day and neither on Friday. He was still talking about everything that was relating to the race but nothing more. The Spaniard tried to explain all of this were only rumors, claiming that no one would come for his place adding he was doing a good season. So, there was literally no reason for his new team to replace him or looking for someone else after trying to get him so hard alongside Red Bull. The brit didn’t listen, saying he needed to be with someone who wasn’t from his team and Max was as always the best candidate. If Lando did a good job avoiding his fiancé, so did Max. In his younger years, he would’ve come for his friend, confronting him and having an argument that would may have ended physical. Yet, it would be the same right now if he was honest because it was what he hated the most, lies. Maybe it was worst because it was about Charles.

Ready for qualifications, he knew his anger was going to be into his driving. Monaco wasn’t a track where anger was the best thing.  He had to calm down, to be like Lando liked to say, a cold machine. He’d put his helmet after taking a deep breath with a single thought. Being better than anyone and getting his pole.

In his car, he closed his eyes. The thing that mattered the most right now was the race and nothing else. Not him, not Charles. No one beside himself and his team. He finally did great unlike Checo who had reliability issues with his car. Both Ferrari unexpectedly did great, Carlos starting second and Lando third.

Outside the car, his feeling of betrayal came back when he’d seen the Spaniard. He was aware his sudden distance was going to be seen by fans since they’d always happily shared the top 3 or their podiums. But he didn’t want to act in front of the others. Max was only focused on the race after, staying with Red Bull and talking about everything for the upcoming race.

He came back home pretty late, Lando being already there and sleeping as well as Jimmy who had his head in the brit’s neck. It was almost normal to see his friend casually sleeping in his bed and with his cat as if Lando was the one owning the place. He looked at him for only a few seconds before going to shower, trying to relax.

Tomorrow was Charles’ race. Max had never won it again after the 2021 season. Lando once joked saying that he was as cursed as Ferrari in Italian Grand Prix. He wasn’t believing it but was annoyed to not win. Despite giving his best, there was always something going wrong. And he hated that.

After getting out of the shower and dressing up, he went straight to his bed. Lando hugged him almost instantly in his sleep when he laid down. Max had just let him, taking his phone and losing himself on internet. He decided to read what was said about them lately, knowing he won’t be bothered by it. As he’d already said many times, they didn’t know who he really was. It wasn’t something he was usually doing because he wasn’t giving a fuck. Many were talking about what had been said in the press conference, his answer, Charles’ rumors or even the sudden distance Carlos, Lando and himself had today. He sighed, tired but wanting to send a last message to Charles. He’d stared at his screen for a while before finally typing, putting it away right after and falling asleep against his Ferrari friend.

Another Monaco’s race without you. But you’re still in everyone’s mind.

The next morning at the track, it was crowded as always, not letting him have a break but it was also his job to be there for the fans who were coming to see them. He’d managed to get through the day, walking around the paddock before the driver’s parade.

He’d heard about Sebastian coming as a Ferrari guest but he haven’t seen him yet. As he was casually walking, he’d heard someone talking about Charles’ sudden presence. He’d almost lost his breath before thinking it could be anyone. He could only walk for a few meters before seeing few journalist surrounding someone who was clearly trying to run away. He’d heard them calling Charles’ name, shouting questions and not letting him breath for sure. He’d made his way, finally seeing the person he’d secretly wished to see for so long. It only took him a second to notice everything about him. He was skinnier for sure, paler. And he wanted the people surrounding him to just let him go to Ferrari in peace but they weren’t going to do that.

Max almost took it personally, telling all of them to fuck off and leave him alone maybe being too vindicative. He didn’t look at Charles, only taking his arm and running away with him, finding a spot where they were going to be hidden. He didn’t think much before doing this, he just did. When he looked at Charles, his heart became full, warm and not empty as it had been for way too long.  

Max’s heart rate was higher than it may ever have been even when he was racing. It wasn’t from his little run neither. Maybe it was as high than when he’d won his first title. That was the only comparison he could’ve done. Charles was right in front of him, so close that only one step was really separating them from a touch. A storm of feelings was going on inside of him.

“ Max-“

“ Charles-“

They stared at each other, the monégasque smiled and even if it was only a little, it was enough to make Max’s heart melt like snow under the warm sun. He’d lost himself in Charles’ eyes, butterflies coming back in his stomach as he got the feeling to come back home. He didn’t know what to say, so did Charles. Finally, the dutchman listened to his heart wanting to get closer and hugged him. Charles was skinnier than before as he’d noticed when he’d first seen him. He never expected himself to be so attentive over such small details about someone else. His friend hugged him back, deepening it. Max didn’t had to say anything while his heart felt comfort and warmed. He wanted to ask a lot of things, but was afraid of it. Afraid of Charles running away again, of the answers he was going to give him.

“ It’s been so long…” Max whispered.

That was the only thing he’d thought of. He felt stupid, knowing he should have maybe said something else. But nothing came, only that.

“ I’m sorry.” He answered before taking a step back, “ Thank you for taking me away.”

The dutchman didn’t know if the atmosphere between them was awkward or not. It must be after all this time and without further explanation about what had happened.

“ They’re so fucking annoying. Are you cold ? ” He asked after noticing he’d shivered.

“ A little. But it’s fine.”

Max didn’t had to think twice, taking off his jacket before giving it to him. Charles seemed surprised, looking embarrassed and shy as he was taking it. Max thought it was cute before feeling ashamed of it. It wasn’t right to think another boy was cute, he shouldn’t. But he just couldn’t help it.

“ You don’t-“

“ Just wear it. And you’re a Ferrari boy, they’ll not believe you’re wearing a Red Bull’s jacket if you have the hood.”

Charles nodded, putting it on. Max stupidly thought as if those 3 years didn’t exist that Red bull’s colors were good on him but not as much as red. Nothing was better. It was like Charles was born to be at Ferrari’s, to be their golden boy.

“ It was you. The other night. Right ?”

Max was pretty sure it was despite everything Carlos had said. But he had to know without any more doubts.

“…Yes.” The monégasque finally answered after a few seconds, “ I’m sorry. I didn’t think you were gonna be there.”

“ Why did you run away ?”

“ I panicked. It’s been years and I just… didn’t know what to do. I left like a thief so long ago…”

“ You do understand I have a lot of questions.”

“ As everyone. But… I don’t want to talk…Yet. Max, I- I had to leave. ”

Max couldn’t understand why he had to. But he knew Charles wasn’t going to give him more than he already did. He’d waited for so long but he didn’t know what to do anymore. You always think you’re going to react in a certain way but it’s false. You never truly know.

“ I missed it.”

“ What ?” Max asked.

“ Seeing you… around at the track. You don’t look too old.”

“ We are still the same age you know.”

“ Are we ?” Charles smiled.

Max’s smile appeared faster than he’d expected when he’d seen the Monegasque’s dimples. It was such a cute and great feature of his face. Sunshine. That was the only thing that was in his mind.  

“ You should go.” Finally said Charles.

Irrationally, Max was afraid he was just going to run away once again. The Monegasque seemed to understand him as he always did. Max had always wondered why he’d always been the one who was understanding him the most. They were so different.

“ We will talk. After. I promise. But right now, Super Max is needed somewhere else. I’ll watch you from Ferrari’s garage.”

“ Why did you come back now ?” He asked.

“ I almost didn’t.”

“ I don’t understand.”  

“ No one does.” Charles answered, “ Drivers’ parade will start soon. See you.”

The Monegasque was about to left when Max grabbed his hand. It didn’t last long, Charles letting go of him and leaving, hidden with his Red Bull Jacket. Once again.

Max just felt like he was living a dream, all of this couldn’t be the reality. After wishing all this time for Charles comeback, he finally did at Monaco. He didn’t know why now, maybe he understood why here but not his timing. Why after 3 whole years ? He felt like he had even more questions than before.

He’d had no more time to think about it, his phone ringing. When he’d answered, it was Christian wanting to know where he was. He went back, joining the driver parade with an absent mind. When Lando came to him to talk, Max didn’t let him. He needed to let some things out of his chest.

“ I’ve seen Charles. Everyone was right, he’s there.”

 “ I bumped onto him when I was in Ferrari’s garage. With a Red Bull jacket. Pretty funny if you ask me.”

“ Oh.”

“ That’s all you have to say ?”

Max didn’t know. All of this had been so sudden, his mind was a mess and felt unreal. He felt overwhelmed but knew no one should know and must hide it. Maybe he was going to talk about it with Lando later. Or not. It wasn’t that he wasn’t trusting his friend but talking was admitting thing he’d been denying for so long.

“ I don’t know. I just- It feels like I’m going to wake up soon and all of this isn’t real.”

“ Carlos knew about all of this. I’ve heard him talking with Seb. He lied.” Only answered Lando.

“ As we thought.”

“ Yes.”

“ At least, he isn’t cheating on you as you thought.”

“ Let’s pretend we are happy for today.”

“ Aren’t we ?”

“ Am I if I want to choke my fiancé ?”

“ I mean, you can be happy to do it because you’re a kinky boy.”

“ Oh shut up.”

The dutchman smiled, amused by Lando’s annoyed look. He was grateful he wasn’t asking more about the monégasque, maybe he finally learned how to keep his mouth shut. He stared at the crowd, wondering if he was going to miss it after his retirement. His thought only lasted for a second before going to Charles as always. He said they were going to talk later so he wanted them to meet again but when ? Where ? Max was usually barely afraid. After all, he was driving one of the fastest car in the world, he had no time for fear. But yet, he felt afraid of Charles disappearing once again. It was such a stupid feeling because he was in Ferarri’s garage, so not that far. He even said he was going to watch him from there.

Deep down, when they talked, it was like they never fell apart. Like he never left. But Max felt different. Before, he wouldn’t have missed him, be afraid to lose him. His mind stopped working. Lose ? It felt way too intimate to say it like that. He never lost Charles because he’d never been his. He never wanted him to be. Or did he ? No, he definitely didn’t.

They even never been alike. Charles was sunshine while he was like a midnight rain. He was like the sun while Max was like the moon.

Chapter Text

Max just knew his heart was pounding more than it should. It wasn’t the adrenaline of starting a race, it was for someone. For an unexpected meeting he’d dreamed of. He had to put it aside no matter what, at least for now. He had to clear his mind, be focused on his race. That’s what he did when he’d put on his helmet and sat in his car. He turned his head to stare at Carlos who was on the first line too, starting second.

Now that he’d seen Charles and Lando confirmed Carlos had been aware of his return, he was feeling even more betrayed. The Spaniard was aware of how much he hated lies, especially from people he cared for like his friends. Carlos had been one of them for years but yet, didn’t hesitate to lie smoothly for so long. He would’ve preferred to know he knew but couldn’t share what was going on with Charles instead of those stupid lies. He then looked back at the track, emptying his mind to be focused on his only goal, another win. The race started, Max keeping his pole. However, he knew that his initial racing style was aggressive but today it seemed even worse. Still in control but he know his resentment toward Carlos made it worse.

He didn’t know what really happened after they’d done half of laps. He’d lose control of his car after someone hit him, supposing it was Carlos, making him go into the barrier. It had been brutal but not as much as Silverstone. It was almost like a casual crash. Red flag.

He didn’t answer right away when his engineer asked if he was fine. He’d taken a breath after feeling breathless for a second. He was going to have some body aches for sure but nothing more. He finally said he was fine, getting out of his car and seeing Carlos doing the same. Of course, he had to ruin his race. As if all that had happened lately wasn’t enough.

Max stared at Carlos with angriness as he walked away to not just go straight to him and start a fight. If a look could kill, then the Spaniard would be a dead men. The doctor came, asking him questions despite Max being clear about the fact he was fine. All he wanted right now was to get back to his team, let his anger out in his driver’s room and nothing else.

They went back into the pit lane at the same time, Carlos trying to talk to him but Max didn’t want to listen to whatever he had to say. When he tried to grab his arm, the dutchman stopped, not able to keep his anger anymore. Max knew he was the one starting this argument when he could’ve just let it go. From the outside, it would be a flashback of his past argument against Esteban, everyone was surely remembering it.

Someone came in to separate them but Max didn’t care, not even who it was. He walked away, entering into Red Bull and going straight to his driver room to take off his racing suit. He’d sat on the couch for a whole minute after getting dressed again, looking at the floor. He was taking deep breath by his nose, exhaling from his mouth for a while, also counting up to 10.

It was something Charles told him to do once, during one of their meeting at this little Monaco’s cove. Max had laugh when he’d heard that, saying Charles never had anger issues like him and felt hopeless, he never though it was going to work. But it did. He’d done it a lot after, without ever taking the time to thank the monégasque about it before his departure.

“ Max ? Are you okay ?”

He would’ve recognized him among everyone else. He looked up, only to see Charles who almost seemed worried. He was surprised but not in a bad way. What was he doing here ? What was he asking if he was okay when he just had a fight with Charles’ former teammate and friend ? So much questions were running like crazy in his tired mind.

“ What are you doing here ?”

“ I- I only wanted to check on you. Sorry. I’m gonna leave.”

Max didn’t want him to. He wanted him to stay, to talk, to comfort him. He realized he shouldn’t wish that.

“ No ! No...” He quickly answered, “ I just didn’t expect you. How did you even got here…?”

“ No one expect a Ferrari boy like me to hide with a Red Bull jacket. I came in pretty easily.”

“ Of course.” Max answered with a little smile.

“ Are you hurt ?”

“ No. I’m fine.”

“ But angry.”

“ How amazing, you can still see this after 3 years.”

“ That’s fair.”

That was the only thing Charles had answered before getting closer, sitting next to him. Max stared at him as he was coming. He suddenly felt more relaxed but a part of him was screaming to stay away from Charles, to not get too close again or it wasn’t going to end well. Almost as if it was going to hurt him.

“ Getting older doesn’t seem to change you.” Charles said.

“ Sadly not.”

“ It’s comforting.” He answered before continuing, “ The fact you haven’t changed during this time.”

But Max didn’t feel like that. He felt different as if all of him changed while Charles wasn’t there. Did he know how much ? What changed ? Not really. It was just a feeling.

“ You didn’t had to check on me. You should check on Carlos.”

“ He’s fine. And I wanted to.”

“ I’ll only have bruises. Nothing too deep.”

The Monegasque reached Max’s hand with his own, putting it on top first before taking it. The dutchman shivered, his heart being warmer and almost about to explode just with this move.

“ Max-“

Charles couldn’t say anything else, Max’s race engineer coming to talk and almost surprising them. He looked surprised to see them together and like that. The pair immediately got away from each other, Charles getting up. GP didn’t even had the time to pronounce a single word.

“ Sorry, I have no right to be there. I’m gonna leave.” Said the former driver.

“ Charles, you-“ The dutchman started.

“ I’m leaving but we will meet again soon. Monaco is small, Max. I’m glad you’re fine.”

And for the second time in a span of a few hours, Max had to look Charles leaving. It was a bittersweet taste. He didn’t look at his race engineer, waiting for a comment about Charles. But it never came. GP talked about something else, related to his race. It was better.

All he could do from the garage was to watch the rest of the race. Lando was leading, about to take his first win at Monaco, as a Ferrari driver. Despite all that had happened today, with Charles or Carlos, he felt proud for his little friend. He was actually proving to everyone he was worth it and great for the Scuderia. Monaco was a race everyone wanted to win at least once in their life. Lando was finally getting his time to shine.

Yes, Max was madly annoyed about being out of this race, especially when it wasn’t from a mistake he’d make. But even if he shouldn’t, He was glad that this grand prix’s winner was going to be Lando. He deserved it.

But as always, a part of him was still thinking about Charles. It was like he’d something to say earlier. What if it was the reason why he’d left ? He needed to know. However, he couldn’t do whatever he wanted on a race day. Media duties, team talk, everything that was related to his job had to be done.

When Max had met Lando later, he’d congratulated him before lowly asking if Charles was still there. His friend almost looked sorry, saying he’d just left with Sebastian from what he’d heard. The dutchman tried to not show how disappointed he was but he also knew Lando wasn’t a fool. The brit didn’t say anything though.  

Max didn’t stay too long at the track, fortunately. He wasn’t going to celebrate either, he wasn’t in the mood. A staff had told him Carlos showed up to talk with him but he wasn’t available. Max only nodded. He wouldn’t have agreed to meet him today anyway. He needed time.

Max wanted to go home. But he also wanted to go to the little cove because in his mind, it was the calmest and more peaceful place around here. He was going to leave Monaco soon for Spain since it was their next race, if he wanted to take time here, it was now or never.

As always when he came there, it was calm. He decided to just sat there, looking at the water, listening the little waves hitting in front of him. All of this day had been crazy, shit happened, unexpected things as well. He didn’t know if a night would be enough to rest from all of this. He needed more than that.

“ You’re here.” He heard.

He didn’t had to turn to this well-known voice since he quickly sat next to him. Max still couldn’t believe it. Few days ago, he was already sitting there, wishing to be in this situation.

 “ I needed time off.”

“ As every driver need.” Charles smiled, “ I told you we were gonna meet soon.”

“ And you didn’t lie.”

“ I’ve never lied to you.”

“ But you left.”

The Monegasque softly looked at him. Max said it quickly, his tone revealing it was something that had hurt him even if he hated to show it. He didn’t want anyone to be aware of his inner thoughts and he hadn’t been that hurt by him. He absolutely didn’t.

“ I know.”

“ Where were you ?”

“ I’ve been in Switzerland for the longest time.”

“ Why ?”

But this time, he didn’t got an answer. Charles suddenly seemed so secretive while he wasn’t before. He’d never been, always answering Max’s question even if he only asked a few during their time together.

“ Did your family knew ?”

“ No. No one did at first.”

“ But you told Carlos.”

“ I reached him last year, a little before he got engaged to Lando. I know what everyone is saying but I’ll not come back in F1. I came back in this world because I had to for my family and friends. I’ve been apart from them for so long.”

Max was now the one becoming silent. He had no clue what to answer to that. He only stared at his friend who was doing the same. Their eyes focused on each other, the dutchman noticing Charles’ eyes almost looked brighter and shinier as it used to be.

“ Are you gonna stay ?” Max asked.

“ Yes.”

“ For how long ?” 

“ Monaco is my home. I won’t leave anymore.”

The dutchman almost analyzed his face, looking for anything that would show he was lying but there was nothing. Only a smile, cute dimples and honest warm eyes. It was almost like Charles was looking at him like there was something worth in him to look at. He suddenly realized he’d always looked at him with this gaze, no one ever did beside him. Almost as if he was special.

“ I didn’t want to forget.” Charles said.

“ What ?”

“ Your eyes.” He said not looking away, “ How blue they are.”

Max just stayed there, speechless. His cheeks were burning, turning red. His heart missed a beat before beating so fast that it would be alarming if anyone was monitoring it. He’d never felt like that before. It was new but not unpleasant in some way.

“ I’m sorry.” Charles added.

“ I- No, don’t be. It’s fine.” He almost whispered.

He was even more lost than he was before. His mind was a mess, so much going on. Feelings he never felt or not so deeply. Questions he wanted to ask but at the same time not.

“ Why don’t you tell me why you left ?” He finally asked.

This time, Charles took a few seconds before answering with a tone he couldn’t understand.

“ Not yet. It just hurts.”

“ Are you in pain ?” Max asked with worries.

The dutchman just wanted to slap himself for showing so much emotion and worries at once. He understood Charles’ smile was only there to reassure him.

“ I’m not. Everyone wants to know. I’ll tell you. One day if you still want to hear it.”

“ Always.”

“ It’s getting colder, I think it’s time to get back home. Getting sick would suck.”

“ Where are you staying at ?”

“ I still have my apartment.”

Max nodded. He didn’t want to get home, neither leave Charles. Why ? He didn’t know. But the Monegasque got up, offering his hand to help him to do the same with this smile that was always on his face. Max had taken it, getting up. Despite being up now, their hands didn’t let go of each others.

“ Good luck for your next race. But you don’t really need it, do you ?”

“ I’ll take it anyway. Thank you.”

“ See you next time.”

“ Are we really going to have a next time ?”

Max wanted to slap himself once again. It sounded so stupid.

“ Only if you win.” Charles answered with a playful tone.

“ Oh. It’s not a problem.”

“ I have no doubts about your talent. More about your car’s reliability.”

“ Do you want me to remember you your 2022 season added to Ferrari clown strategy ?” Answered Max with a smile but falsely annoyed tone.

“ Ouch. I see, you’re still attacking hard.”

“ You started.”

“ I did.” Charles said, “ Take care.”

The Monegasque finally let go of his hand, walking away. Max couldn’t do anything, he stupidly stayed there, watching him leave. Once on top of the stairs, Charles turned to him, waving slightly. The dutchman did the same before he disappeared. He sighed while going to the stairs. His cheeks were hurting, making him realize he’d smiled all along with Charles. For the first time in years, he felt lighter, better. It may have been unexpected but it felt great. He still had questions, a fear he was going to leave again but, they’d seen each other again. His mind was still confuse, didn’t get all the answers he wanted, his feelings were still not understandable and messy but they'd met again. And suddenly, it felt enough. As he was climbing the stairs, he’d received a text which was for sure Lando or maybe Carlos trying to talk to him again. He looked at his phone, almost dropping when he’d read who it was. Charles.

I missed you too.

Chapter Text

Max never felt so stupid than now. When Charles texted him, he’d understood he received all of his messages. Each one. Even the drunkest. The one saying he missed him, those about Monaco races. He was fucked. He’d wanted him to read it but at the same time not. He’d said he was missing him. Fuck. He’d taken Sassy, looking at her with an horrified look.

“ I said I missed him, Sassy ! He read it, that’s bad ! I didn’t miss Charles Leclerc !”

His cat only looked at him, meowing before trying to escape. Max had let her, feeling stupid for his reaction. He was overreacting like a teenager. He was a fucking adult, what the fuck was going on in his mind ? Apparently way too much. What should he do now ? It was so embarrassing. Yes, he’d wanted him to receive it but in another way, he didn’t.

Max had put everything aside, having to train. He needed it to keep sanity, to let all of his thoughts and feelings out. All of those confused, worried and stupid feelings. He had to be more careful about his reactions about Charles when he was with others.  He haven’t heard of Carlos since yesterday, neither Lando. They must’ve been enjoying the brit’s win despite the fact Carlos had been out of this race. Nothing of it was his business though.

He’d trained as usual, enjoying Monaco’s great weather. During a break, he’d looked at his phone, seeing Lando texted him to ask if he wanted to watch a movie tonight before they’d to travel to Spain. Max had agreed quickly, thinking it would be great but hoping Lando wouldn’t talk about Charles. For once, he wanted him to complain about his life. He was okay to listen for hours if it was needed, or even another subject. Anything but Charles.

After training till he almost couldn’t feel his body anymore, he’d taken a shower. He then went out to get some groceries and cats food. He picked things his friend liked the most, having the feelings that it wasn’t just a casual meeting. Once he came back home, he decided to lay on the couch, take his phone and looking at what medias were actually saying about the race.

Of course, they were talking about Charles, the fact Max had been aggressive towards the medias because they weren’t going to give the Monegasque some space. Just after, they’d to talk about his argument with Carlos, their crash. As always, they were exaggerating what had happened. They were never tired of saying shit about him. They should talk about it, he knew it, they were adults but Max decided to be stubborn and childish. As always, they were saying shit about him but it wasn’t a surprise anymore. They were taking every little things that could go against him. Fine. Whatever.

He then went to Charles’ profile, which had finally changed proving he intended to really come back and stay. It was now a profile picture that had nothing to do with Ferrari, only a casual one but he was pretty sure it wasn’t recent. It didn’t matter, the main point was that he was making moves proving that this return would eventually be permanently. He hoped so even if his fast life wasn’t going to allow him to be a lot in Monaco so less chance to see him. Hopefully, Ferrari would invite him to few races. Or Max could do it himself, inviting him as his guest. Perhaps.

When Lando finally showed up, Max thought something was wrong. His little friend was suddenly quieter than he usually was. With time going by, it seemed even worse. Despite watching their movie, the dutchman decided to stop it before staring at Lando.

“ Okay what’s going on ?”

“ Nothing, I just have nothing to say today.”

“ Lando, you always have something to say. Always.”

“ Uh… I’m happy I won here ?”

“ What the fuck is wrong with you today, Norris ?”

“ You always want me to shut up, I’m doing it ?”

“ You know I never mean it. Is it Carlos ?”

“ For you to beat him like you almost did yesterday ?”

“ Okay, first I never wanted to beat him, it was just an argument without physical fight. Second, it would’ve not happened if he didn’t crash into me and finally, he shouldn’t lie.”

“ Seems like you’re the one who wants to talk today.”

“ Don’t turn it your way.”

“ I’m fine, Max. Really.”

The dutchman knew it was a lie. Lando wasn’t someone quiet and even less after such a win he had or about Carlos. He always had something to say even if it was just a casual story. But he had no right to force him into saying something.

“ If you say so.”

“ Are you that upset about Carlos ?”

“ I just hate lies. I need time and it’ll be fine after a talk. I’m not too childish.”

“ What are you going to tell him ? I didn’t like the way you hided Charles because I’ve been dreaming of him for years ?”

“ I haven’t !”

“ Come oooon.”

“ There is no way I’ve been dreaming of Charles Leclerc, understood ?”

“ Admitting it isn’t gonna kill you, I promise.”

“ Oh shut up.”

“ See, you prefer me with my mouth shut.” The brit giggled.

Max couldn’t help but smile. That was how he liked his friend. A question was burning his lips but he didn’t know if he should ask it or was going to have the guts to. He finally did after a breath.

“ How did you know ?” He asked before continuing seeing Lando’s confused face, “ You liked Carlos. Boys in general.”

“ Oh. I mean, when your childhood crush is an F1 driver and you barely find interest in girls, it’s obvious.”

“ Who was this crush ?”

“ Let’s say I always had something for Red bull and Ferrari. Everybody is a Ferrari fan after all.”

 “ No fucking way.”

“ Yep. So, do you have any other question ? It seems like it’s intriguing you.”

“ It doesn’t, I just wanted a topic.”

“ Of course. What was I thinking ?” Lando said with a smile, “ Can we finish our movie now or we’re done ?”

Max didn’t answer, only playing again the movie. He remained silent, deeply thinking. Why did he want to ask such a thing to his friend ? It wasn’t a topic that was related to him, he couldn’t relate to Lando about a lot of things and especially with their sexuality. They were totally different. He never had a crush toward an F1 driver when he was a teenager, neither after. But his question almost burned his lips and he couldn’t understand himself. But it seemed like it was the case more than anything lately. And he definitely hated that.

The brit didn’t watch the movie as a whole since he fell asleep during it. Max had let him, nothing too surprising. Lando had difficulties to sleep most of the times so he must be way too tired to fight sleepiness. He went to the balcony wondering if it was raining again but it didn’t. He just looked at the stars, feeling kinda stupid because it looked like a bad movie scene. Since it was a little bit too cold, he quickly went back inside. He was tired and Lando was a grown man. He went to bed but he couldn’t sleep despite his need to. He stared at the ceiling, thinking about the next race, their departure tomorrow and then the busy days that were going to follow.

Suddenly, he felt conflicted. What was gonna be his life without this ? Nothing. He had nothing beside racing. He belonged to it, as much as it was a part of him. Retiring seemed so absurd right now. He sighed. He’d said nothing about it officially but he’d thought he had made his decision. But again, he’d been wrong. He needed more time, he knew Red Bull would always have his back no matter what. After all, that’s what they’d done since day one.

Max was tired of being like that lately. Before he’d never really questioned his decisions, his choices. Which choices did he make by himself during his life though ? His dad used to decide for everything when he was younger and since then, he only followed the way. He was aware his dad wanted him to continue, to beat some records, to stay at the top and how much he couldn’t understand leaving when you can still be at the top. But wasn’t it better this way ? To leave when you’re still good and not when everyone is pitying you for your past prime ? He had to think about it. To make a decision that would finally be his, which would give him relief and not haunt him for too long.

He’d taken a deep breath. He still had time to think about it so why now ? He just wanted a day of peace, just as he had when he was 25. But if Charles had stayed, it would’ve spared him a lot of thoughts and questions. And again, Charles had made his way to his mind. Insidiously but softly. He’d wondered when the Monegasque will be at a Grand prix again. He’d taken his phone, going to their conversation which finally ended with a message from Charles after so much years.

Max ( 10:51 pm )

Will you go to a gp again ?

He wasn’t expecting an answer as always but almost right after, an answer came. He felt an excitement coming, feeling great to interact with him so easily. It hadn’t happened for so long.

Charles ( 10:54 pm )

They asked me for Monza

Max stared at his phone, thinking deeply. Of course they did. Anyway, Monza seemed way too far but Charles had said he was staying in Monaco. Maybe he would ask to meet during the summer break. Or asking him to come at his home race in Zandvoort as his guest. But his family was going to be there so it didn’t sound that great. Charles quickly texted again, making Max flutter.

Charles ( 10:55 pm )

Why ?

Max  ( 10:56 pm )

Curiosity

Charles ( 10:58 pm )

At this hour ?

Max ( 10:59 pm )

I can’t sleep

Charles ( 11:02 pm )

So you’re thinking of me so late ? I’m honored

The dutchman felt like the world had just hit him, his mind going crazy about what he should answer. He had to quickly decide but he wasn’t going to answer that he really did and not only once. No fucking way. He froze, realizing he was acting like a teenager. He wasn’t even like this when he was 17. Max haven’t realized he was answering so fast at first but he couldn’t help it. He’d bitten his lips. He looked so eager of him, his answers. No, he wasn’t at all. He was bored and Charles was giving some distraction. It totally was that.

Max ( 11:02 pm )

You wish

Charles ( 11:05 pm )

Of course

But you definitely should sleep

Max ( 11:06 pm )

I should

Charles ( 11:09 pm )

But you won’t ?

Max ( 11:09 pm )

Maybe

Charles ( 11:10 pm )

Maxie Maxiiiie I won’t answer anymore ! Good night

Max ( 11:10 pm )

See you in a long time I suppose

Charles ( 11:14 pm )

Maybe sooner than you think, remember to win in Barcelona :)

Max ( 11:15 pm )

You answered, I got you

Charles ( 11:20 pm )

What a child you are

Good night Mad Max

Max ( 11:21 pm )

They aren’t calling me like that anymore !

Good night mf

He’d just looked at his phone for a whole minute before putting it away. His cheeks were burning, a smile had been on his face almost the entire time, filling his heart with a joy he thought was gone a long time ago. He’d fallen asleep with Charles in his mind as always. Warm. Soft. Sweet. Lovely.

The next day, Lando was nowhere to be seen when he’d woken up so he figured he must’ve left early or late during the night. He’d spent time with his cats before packing his things and leave for Barcelona with Checo and some of his team. As always, his life had been hectic but he loved it anyway. And even more when he was in his car. He carefully avoided Carlos but noticed Lando seemed weird around him. Anyway, it wasn’t his business despite him being curious. What made it more suspicious was that he stayed silent about it. It wasn’t like his friend.

A little before their free practice, Max went to Ferrari almost sneaking in. He knew Lando must be in his driver room so he straightly went there. When he was about to enter, he could hear him talk through the door. He did listen, knowing he shouldn’t. If someone caught him, it would be embarrassing.

“ Oh stop, I’m tired of your lies ! I gave you a chance last time. But you haven’t learned. Return to Milan, we’re done. I’ll still be a good teammate but don’t expect anything else from me anymore.”

“ Does Max-“

“ No, he doesn’t know. If he knew, you would’ve already be sent back to Spain in pieces.”

“ Cariño, I’m so sorry, I-“

“ Carlos, please. Don’t call me like that. If you loved me at least for a bit, spare my heart from more pain. I gave you everything. I wanted us to be endgame. It wasn’t for us apparently.”  Lando said with a broken voice, “ I don’t want to hear from you beside work nor about Charles. Can you give me that ?”

“ I love you. I really do.”

“ Because you couldn’t have your first choice. Or, not anymore.”

“ You’ve always been who I wanted.”

“ That was the sweetest lie I wanted to hear and believe. You should leave, we have free practice.”

“ I’m sorry for everything.”

“ Me too.”

Max quickly reacted, hiding when he heard Carlos about to leave. He’d watched him before entering the brit’s driver room, seeing him sit on the couch and looking at the floor. Max acted as if he never heard anything but his hatred had just became worst. So Carlos had hurt Lando, making him understand why he was like that yesterday.

“ What’s up Little one ?”

His friend rose up his head with a smile that didn’t seem that fake. Maybe he was better than he’d thought in hiding what he really wanted to.

“ I’m already thinking about beating you, of course. Why are you here ?”

“ Just wanted to check on you.”

“ That’s almost sweet. Who are you ? Not my Max for sure.”

“ You’re stupid.”

“ Do you think you can find me a little place in your jet ?”

“ I thought you were staying with Sainz’s family.”

“ Plans changed. I need to go back home, no vacation here for me.”

“ I see. We have place for you.”

“ Thank you. But shouldn’t you leave ? We will start soon. And the team is tired of seeing you.”

“ They’re jealous because they never got me.”

Lando laughed a little, but even this wasn’t the same for Max. He felt bad for him, just as he did younger with his sister when she wasn’t well. He continued.

“ You can tell me anything, I hope you know it.”

“ I do. It’s the same for you even if your feelings sound messed up.”

“ No, it doesn’t !” Max answered, “ Wanna play tonight ?”

“ I’m never declining.”

“ See you then.”

“ Yep, bye bye ! And please, don’t be in bad terms with Carlos anymore. Be kind and friendly.”

Max finally left, going back to Red Bull for free practice which ended being great. He was pretty sure they could do a good performance again this year. They had to stay focused but also hope to not have reliability issues which was the worst since they weren’t able to have any control over it.

He’d waited to see if Lando was going to talk but he didn’t and acted as he’d told Carlos, being a good teammate. He was wondering what happened but his friend didn’t want to say anything. There was no way he was going to force him to, knowing he must be badly hurt about it.  

Carlos had came to him at some point, apologizing and asking if they could just leave everything in the past. Max had agreed but he wasn’t forgetting. Even if he wanted to hit Carlos’ head against a wall, Lando wanted him to be kind and friendly. However, he’d stated his mind clearly as always which made the Spaniard smile and laugh saying he wasn’t expecting something else. Max kept their talk really short, not saying more than he should making clear he was still upset in some ways.

On Quali day, both Red Bull did great being the two on pole and it was all that mattered. Lando was fourth since a Mercedes did better but Carlos ended seven. Max tried to not show he was pleased. Between team meeting and everything else, he was checking his phone and Instagram, mostly for Charles. The Monegasque had reposted Ferrari’s posts about quali but nothing else. He refrained himself from sending a text. Charles would think he was weird or demanding and he definitely wasn’t. In the evening, Lando came to play as they’d agreed earlier. They had a good time, talking about the upcoming race. Max wanted him to be on the podium too.

On race day, it was hot. Way too hot and drivers knew it was gonna be hard but they were all ready to give their best. Max was only thinking of winning as always. But this time, he had another reason than just being the best. Charles told him to. And he was gonna win, not matter what.

On the race, he’d managed to avoid another spinning and almost touching him. They got two yellow flags but he never got involved, neither his teammate or Lando. Because of yellow flags he’d almost lose his first position but managed to get through. When he’d passed the checkered flag, he’d felt a feeling he couldn’t describe. It was like being overjoyed, excited but not only for a win. For something else. For a urge to meet someone again after a success.

Lando thought while seeing him on the podium that Max looked brighter than he used to. Something changed but in a good way. At least, for now.

When Max looked at his phone quickly after changing to his clothes, he stared at his phone, heart beating, hands almost shaking. Charles had texted him. He was staying calm. He was trying. But it was a fail. His mind just lose it.

Congratulations for your win, I knew it. Meet me at home on Tuesday, 7 pm. Enjoy it tonight, you deserve it. See you, Maxie

Chapter Text

Max had never been so impatient in his life. Never. Not even when he was younger. It wasn’t a bad feeling, a bad impatience, it was even the best he’d ever had. He haven’t said anything to Lando about his meeting with Charles, only that he was out and if he wanted, could stay with Jimmy and Sassy. The brit accepted, thanking him and not even asking where he was going. Another suspicious thing about his little friend.

During the drive there, he suddenly felt anxious while till now, he’d only felt excitement and impatience. Why did anxiousness came so bad right now ? He didn’t know. What did he knew lately after all ? Beside racing, nothing much. What a pity. He was almost sweating but was trying to stay cool and relax. He’d taken a deep breath, almost chocking himself in front of the door. He knocked, his legs about to just give up.

When he’d seen Charles and his sweet smile, his world was instantly better, colorful.

“ H-Hi.” Max said.

He couldn’t stand how his voice was breaking and stressed. He had to stop acting so childishly and remember who he was.

“ Always in time. Come.”

Max came in, finding that his friend’s voice was comforting. He then stared at Charles who made a gesture, telling him to follow, which he did. They ended in the kitchen whom smelled really good, offering a drink.

“ I have whatever you want but I think champagne is better for a win, right ?”

“ Oh, yes, it’s perfect. Did you…cook yourself ?”

Charles laughed while getting a glass and the champagne bottle. His laugh sounded so pure and honest. Like a sweet melody he was ready to hear all day.

“ Is it that surprising ?”

“ I didn’t know.”

“ There is a lot of things you don’t know about me yet.”

He realized the Monegasque was right. They weren’t too close before, or Max never wanted them to be too much. He never knew why he’d put such a wall between them. Or…Did he ? He knew him more than perfectly on the track but beside that, he was kinda clueless. But he felt ready to learn everything, even the stupidest things.

“ But I knew you perfectly on track.”

“ You did.”

Charles handed the glass to Max but didn’t get one for him.

“ Why don’t you take one ?”

“ I don’t drink anymore.”

“ Fuck, what a boring life !”

“ It’s fine ! Don’t say that !” Charles chuckled, “ I know you’re a party boy who loves to drink but still. And you dared to say when we were younger that you didn’t like clubbing.”

“ My dad would’ve never let me anyway !”

“ So you fell into clubbing when you could.”

“ Maybe.” Max answered before suddenly, “ Why Carlos ?”

He’d abruptly changed the subject but he felt the need to ask. Why him while no one else did on the grid ?

“ Because he was my teammate.”

“ I would’ve understood Pierre but not really him.”

“ We are friends. It wasn’t only a teammate thing. And… I reached Pierre too.”

Now, Max was pissed. Two people knew out of the drivers and he hated to know that. No, he felt jealousy because he hadn’t been one. A jealousy that shouldn’t be there.

“ Who knew exactly ?”

“ Pierre and Carlos. Only them.”

“ They always said they didn’t.”

“ I asked them to. They were just trustful.”

“ Why not me ?”

“ You told me we weren’t friends.”

“ What ? I’ve never said that !”

Max was sure he’d never said it. Maybe when they were in karting but not after when their relation became better in F1. He may have thought it but saying was another thing. He may be straightforward but it sounded way too rude to say to someone who had been anything but kind with him. Well, if you forgot when he pushed him off the track and said it was only an accident while it wasn’t at all.

“ You did. But you must not remember.”

“ I- Sorry, we were friends.”

“ It’s fine. But it’s the first time you’re apologizing.”

“ It’s not so shut up.”

“ If you say so”, Chares giggled, “ It’s ready, I hope you’re hungry.”

“ I am but I hope you’re a good chef.”

“ If you aren’t dead before you finish, we’re good.”

“ I’ve never felt so reassured.”

They laughed lightheartedly before sitting at the table and start eating while talking. It was a genuine moment, nothing too much but it was great. And he didn’t die. Charles’ skill weren’t that bad. It was good. In the middle of it, looking at him, he thought it was almost like a date. He then lowered his head, staring at his food. It wasn’t a date. Just a casual meeting with an old friend. It was just that.

That’s what he’d told himself once again when just after they were done, Charles asked if he wanted to play or watch something. He was just being friendly so he accepted. Even if he only came twice, he noticed how the living room changed. Not too much, but it did.

They played, gently competing each other and trying to win more than anything. A competitive boy will never change. It was fun, he’d always liked to play with others just like he was usually doing with Lando.

When they stopped, Max stared at him. His eyes and then lowered his gaze to his lips. His breath became a little faster, thinking they would be perfect against his. He’d never wanted to kiss someone else that bad. He wanted it more than anything. He felt hot, knowing his cheeks must be redder now. For a second, his mind had put aside shyness or shame about having those thoughts about another man. He was craving for Charles’ soft and warm lips against his own, for a kiss he shamelessly dreamed of once. A kiss that would last for a few seconds or minutes but he would love it anyway.

He made a move, getting a little closer, not too much before stopping. What was he doing ? Craving for another man, for a kiss. It wasn’t him, he wasn’t into men. He’d never been and he would never. He was panicking because he couldn’t understand himself, his thoughts, his feelings, his wants, his needs. Missing Charles was something but being so eager of a kiss and a man was another level he couldn’t handle. He was scared. Scared of admitting the truth. His heart was painful, heavy while his head almost made him feel dizzy. Max was breathless. It wasn’t normal. He had to run away and never come back.

“ I have to go.” He suddenly said.

“ What ? ” Charles asked with confusedness.

“ Sorry.”

He’d straightened up, the Monegasque grabbing his hand with his usual softness. A softness that was only making him wanting to stop and get closer. And he felt even more scared.

“ What’s happening ? You can tell me…”

“ Nothing. But Lando is waiting. See you.”

Max needed air, he needed to breathe and be out of here. Without Charles oppressing but lovely presence. He only wanted to be away, afraid of his own thoughts. He’d let go of Charles’ grip, leaving without another word.  He’d almost ran to leave and once In his car, he noticed he was slightly shaking.

He’d taken a deep breath. He had to not show anything once at home because Lando was going to ask what was going on. And he didn’t want to talk. Not to his friends. Even less to his dad. He’d taken his phone, calling someone who would always listen. Someone who would never judge but comfort him. When he’d heard her voice, He had to hold back his tears. What a weak person he was. His dad would hate that. And he would kill him for his thought about Charles.

“ Mom… I think I’m not good, something is wrong with me.”

His voice just broke when he was talking and of course, his mom tried to reassure him asking if he was sick, worried. He missed her. Despite what people thought, he’d always been a mommy’s boy. He wanted to go home. Where he was going to be surrounded by maternal love, see his nephews and his sister. A place where he was safe from everything.

“ I want to go home. My true home.” He said with a sob.

“ Come home, my love. You’re always welcomed, you know that.”

“ I miss you.”

“ As much as I do.”

“ I’ll come. I’ll text you once everything is ready.”

“ I can come if you want.”

“ No, I want to go back to you and Vic.”

“ Okay, honey. It’ll be fine, I promise.”

“ I’m not sure of that. See you soon. I love you.”

After hearing her saying she loved him too, he hung up. Yes, he needed his mom. He wasn’t going to talk about Charles, he only wanted to see her. He’d wanted Charles to come back, to be close again. And yet, he wanted to run away from him.  And his heart was aching from it.

When he came back home, Lando was there, playing. Max was about to go to his room when he called him.

“ Maaax ! You want to play ?”

“ No, I’ll go to sleep. My mom isn’t feeling well so I’ll go back home.”

“ Oh fuck, is she okay ? I’ll take care of Jimmy and Sassy !”

“ Yes, but it’s my chance to see my family.”

“ Are you okay ?”

“ Kinda worried for her. I have to set up everything but it’ll be fine.”

“ Okay. If I can help, tell me.”

“ Thank you. Stay as much as you want, good night.”

“ Good night. And don’t worry, It’ll be fine.”

“ I hope so.”

“ Don’t forget to tell Daniel because you were supposed to meet this week !”

“ Yeah, who’s the adult here ?”

“ Maximus, I’m not 19 anymore. Go to sleep now, old man.”

Max smiled but only half honestly. He went to his room, letting himself fall on his bed and looking at the ceiling. He’d never felt so conflicted. He held back a sob.

He hated how he felt about Charles, how he was such a sunshine in his life.

Chapter Text

Max had quickly left Monaco for The Netherlands. Meanwhile, Charles texted him twice but he chose to not answer. When he was finally with his mom, seeing her made him feel better. Seeing Victoria and his nephews brought him even more comfort. They’d warmed his heart when he’d seen how happy the kids were to see him. His sister asked if he was fine and he hadn’t the heart to lie but also to not say the whole truth. He only answered he didn’t know if he was. And she’d been even more careful with him. One day, when it was only him and his mom, he couldn’t hold back his tears anymore when she asked what happened for him to be there. Not much but enough for her to be even more worried. She’d hugged him with all her love. He’d said once again that something was wrong with him and he wasn’t feeling like himself anymore. She tried to get more from him but he just couldn’t because she wasn’t going to love him anymore or lesser. When she said nothing would ever make her do that, he knew he could trust her because as she said, she was his mother. But he couldn’t bring himself to tell all he had on his poor heart. She only hugged him even closer and Max was fond of it. He’d definitely needed some time with his family.

However, in his bed, he had this habit to lost himself Instagram and looking at what his friends were doing and especially Charles who wasn’t sharing too much. But still, It was enough for him. He’d seen him with his own family, Carlos was with them which bothered him in a way. There was something in him that didn’t like it, a jealousy hitting him harshly. And it made him feel worse because it wasn’t something he was supposed to feel. He’d taken a sudden decision, answering to Charles after ignoring him.

Max ( 7:14 pm )

I’m sorry

For not answering

He’d been staring at his phone, heart pounding and already regretting that he’d texted him. But he needed it. Maybe Charles would not answer because he’d been ignoring him lately but he didn’t. Of course, the Monegasque was way too kind for it.

Charles ( 7:19 pm )

It’s okay, what happened  ? Did I say something I shouldn’t ?

And now he was feeling bad because he thought it was his fault while it was just Max being confused with himself.

Max ( 7:22 pm )

No, really, Lando was just waiting for me and now I’m having time with my family

It was better to continue his lie, he wasn’t gonna admit he wanted to run away and actually did like a coward.

Charles ( 7:22 pm )

Still a mommy’s boy

Max ( 7:23 pm )

I’m not a mommy’s boy !

He totally was but he wasn’t gonna admit it to his friend.

Charles ( 7:24 pm )

You are but it’s sweet

Max ( 7:27 pm )

Why do you even think that ?

Charles ( 7:28 pm )

When she was there, you were always around her and you look like a cinnamon roll

Max ( 7:28 pm )

You’re the same

Charles ( 7:29 pm )

I’ve never said I wasn’t

And I agreed to go to Monza, Tifosi will not be happy if I cheer for you tho

Max ( 7:31 pm )

Fuck Tifosi that’s all I have to say

Charles ( 7:32 pm )

What a poet you are

 Max ( 7:32 pm )

I know

Charles ( 7:33 pm )

Are you ready for Canada ?

Max ( 7:34 pm )

I always am

Charles ( 7:35 pm )

Still eager to win ?

Max ( 7:37 pm )

I wouldn’t be there if not

No point of being in F1 without it

Charles ( 7:38 pm )

True

Max ( 7: 39 pm )

Were you serious about never coming back ?

Charles( 7:39 pm )

Yes

Max ( 7:40 pm )

Don’t you miss it ?

Charles ( 7:41 pm )

More than you can imagine

Max ( 7:42 pm )

You’re a world champion, you could if you wanted to

Charles ( 7:42 pm )

I can’t

I have to go

Let’s see each other once you’re back

Max ( 7:44 pm )

Sure

Take care of you

He was wondering if he ended their conversation because he’d asked something he shouldn’t. Why can’t he come back ? There was something more, this thing he was hiding. He remembered their conversation about him leaving and how said he didn’t want to talk about it yet because it was painful. It must be something important if he felt like he couldn’t come back in F1. Some teams would beg to get someone like Charles. What was his secret ? He had to discover it but he haven’t learn anything for 3 whole years, Carlos, if he knew, would never say anything.

Monaco

Carlos went to Max’s apartment knowing Lando was there taking care if Jimmy and Sassy, hoping to talk. But he haven’t got it, the brit refusing to talk and remembering him they already said everything they needed to each other. But Carlos wasn’t done, Lando wasn’t even letting him explain anything. He needed to, to make him understand he’d been wrong and all of this was only a misunderstanding.

The Spaniard went to Charles’ who accepted to welcome him till he could finally get Lando back. If he could but the brit was stubborn and wouldn’t listen or trust him anymore. He felt hopeless but yet, he only wanted him. When he entered the Monegasque apartment, he wasn’t around so he called him, hearing a low answer. He went straight to the bedroom, seeing him in his bed already.

“ You haven’t left your bed since I went out ?”

 “ No. I’m tired today.”

Carlos got closer, sitting next to him and putting his hand on his forehead.

“ I don’t have fever. Only tired.”  Charles said.

“ I just wanted to check. When is your appointment ?”

“ Tomorrow.”

“ I’ll go with you.”

 “ If you want… Nothing fancy though. I’ll have a blood test as always. I’m sick of it.” Charles answered, “ So, Lando ?”

“ Told me to fuck off.”

“ Sound like Max.”

“ They aren’t friends for nothing.”

“ It’ll be fine. You love him and he loves you.”

“ But he think I cheated with you.”

“ Because you cheated on Isa with him while lying, Carlos. You said you broke up with her and you haven’t, he learned it when she came at Imola. He forgave and gave you a chance to tell everything you wanted. Yes, you finally broke up with her but maybe you also should have said we had something.”

“ Oh yes, would’ve been amazing to say I was fucking my teammate. I wanted to keep him not give him a heart attack. This boy is the biggest drama queen I ever met.”  

“ I don’t know, you both are complicated.” The Monegasque said with a tired voice, “ But if he knows you’re here, you’re dead.”

“ You’re a comforting person.”

“ Always been.”

“ Any news on Max ?”

“ He finally texted me back. We talked a little, it was great. I told him I was going to Monza and we should see each other after Canada.”

“ That’s good. Let’s see if he will come. You scared him by inviting him at home.”

“ Oh shut up, I didn’t.”

“ You did, he ran away.”

“ He didn’t.”

“ I can’t believe you’re still into him after all this time.”

“ It’s not that long.”

“ Since when have you been into this dutch man ?”

“ You’re fucking annoying. I’m tired, let me sleep.”

“ Karting days were a long time ago, Charles.”

Carlos laughed when the Monegasque stayed silent. He knew Charles had liked Max since their karting days, shyly and secretly. But only outside the track because on it, they were fighting like lions and liking him wasn’t something that mattered. But Charles had been really good at hiding it, if he hadn’t confessed one day and talked about it, he would’ve never noticed. He’d been more than discreet. Carlos had left with a smile after telling him to sleep well.

When he’d been alone, Charles was deeply thinking. He’d taken his phone, looking through his contacts, seeing Max’s. He kinda wanted to call him and hear his voice but he called someone else instead. But he didn’t answer, texting him instead.

Lando ( 9:11 pm )

What do you want ?

Charles ( 9:12 pm )

I was wondering if we could meet ?

Lando ( 9:12 pm )

For what ?

Charles ( 9:13 pm )

You know the answer

Lando ( 9:15 pm )

Of course I do. Carlos and I, we’re over, I don’t want to hear from him again. I don’t even understand why you’re calling me because you must be happy to get my fiancé, right ?

Charles ( 9:16 pm )

 I’m not, that’s why I want us to meet. For a talk.

Lando ( 9:17 pm )

Fine. When ?

Charles ( 9:17 pm )

Tomorrow ?

Lando ( 9:18 pm )

Okay. Afternoon is good for you ?

Charles ( 9:19 pm )

Perfect, text me the hour tomorrow, I’ll be free

Lando ( 9:20 pm )

I will

Charles had put his phone aside, tired. He was thinking about Max just like he always did. He wanted to get closer to him, like they were in the 2023 season. If they were great buddies before, 2023 had been the year they became really great friends. And which made him fall even more for Max. He loved to look at him but he couldn’t do it much without looking weird. He was fond of his deep blue eyes like some oceans in which he was ready to be lost, his smile when it was genuine and not for a picture or a video. He liked everything, even his voice crack on the radio during races. He was missing their shared podiums, this happiness and excitation, Champagne on them, sticking on their skin but they never cared. The way Max was explaining things after races with gestures that was making it almost funny. Yet, he’d always listened carefully because he loved it.

The next day in the afternoon, Lando had told him to come at Max’s place since he was still taking care of Jimmy and Sassy. Charles didn’t say to Carlos he was seeing Lando. The brit welcomed him softly, he wasn’t the type of person who liked to be mean and he knew it. They went to sit on the couch, trying to not annoy the cats.

“ So ? What is this talk ?”

“ I know what you think but I didn’t come back for Carlos and even less to be a problem in your relationship.”

“ Oh really ? Why should I trust you ?”

“ Ask me anything and I’ll answer.”

“ How long have you been together ?”

“ It wasn’t really together. Started in 2021 and ended before our 2023 season.”

“ Were you in love ?”

“ We weren’t. If I have to be totally honest… We were just desperate.”

“ Desperate ?”

“ He loved you. He thought he couldn’t have you. I was into someone but he wasn’t into me. Carlos only became my sex friend but we weren’t mean to be together. You’ve always been the first in his heart. I wasn’t even close to that. And he wasn’t close to that neither for me. ”

He could see Lando’s face softening. He was being honest, more than he’d ever been and the brit must’ve seen it. He really hoped to since he didn’t want to be a biggest trouble in Carlos’ life or hurt Lando who’d always been good.

“ Why didn’t he tell me then ?”

“ I’m not him… I can’t answer. I’m sorry for being a trouble. Can I ask how you learned that ?”

“ I’ve heard two old mechanics talking about you and Carlos when rumors came out about your comeback. And the fact he knew things about you no one did, I assumed and I wasn’t too far from the truth.”

“ I see. People were suspicious but nothing had ever been proven. I’m also here because I want you to know I’ll never try to get your place. Ferrari will always be special for me but you’re their future while I’m their past.”

“ He should’ve told me.”

“ I know. I told him but he wanted to spare you another worry, I suppose. Yes, Carlos and I used to have something but I assure you nothing had happened for years. I’ve never thought my comeback would be so problematic. I mean, for F1 of course but not your relationship with him.”

“ It’s because he’s hiding things from me, he’s stupid. I’ll need time but, I understand what you said.”

“ Which I understand. I already told Max but… If he didn’t say anything about me, it’s because I asked him to. He’d only been a trustful friend.”

“ Does he know why ? I mean Max.”

“ That I left ? No. Only that I had to, or I thought I had to back then. But I’ll tell him one day.”

“ Did you miss him ?”

“ Yes, I did.”  Charles answered before smiling, “ I’m happy you came this far. In Ferrari with Carlos. You deserve it. I thought you were going to end at Red bull though.”

“ I could have. But everybody is a Ferrari fan, right ?”

“ Of course. I’ll not bother you more. I only wanted to tell you all my truth. If it isn’t yours, I can understand.”

“ I need to think. And talk with Carlos.”

“ Just don’t kill him, okay ?”

“ I would never. But Max, yes.”

“ Of course he would.” Charles chuckled, “It was great to see you again, Lando. Well, I would’ve liked to see you for another reason. Maybe we can meet again one day ? I really want to get close to all of you as we used to.”

“ Sure, I would like that.” Lando smiled.

“ I’m sorry for hurting you.”

“ You didn’t on purpose and it wasn’t your fault. Thank you for coming to me and being honest. If I hear you weren’t, I’ll tell Max to kill you.”

“ Using Max like that, what a shame.”

“ He would kill me instead of you. That’s the shame.”

“ Don’t say that.”

“ Oh trust me, we aren’t on the same level.”

Charles laughed, getting up just like Lando before noticing something on the shelf. He got closer, smiling.

“ He still have this ?”

“ Yes, Max loves whatever is given with sweet thoughts. He liked you being his secret Santa.”

Charles stared at this stupid gift for Secret Santa 2022, the F1 game with himself photoshopped. What surprised him even more was the fact that his card saying he got a special edition for his biggest fan was also there. He felt his heart being filled up with warm and softness. There was few other things with it but it wasn’t related to him. There wasn’t much personal things and he felt glad he had a place in it.

“ It was a silly gift.”

“ You know him, that’s what he likes.”

“ Yes, it’s totally him.”

He smiled, petting Sassy who came closer before finally leaving Max’s apartment. He wanted to see him. He was craving for it.

Chapter Text

When he was finally in Canada, He’d seen his fellow drivers. As always he’d talked with them but Lando seemed even more different than the last time he’d seen him. The brit came in his hotel room in the evening, wanting to talk and Max preferred him this way.

“ Guess who I saw ?”

“ Carlos begging for forgiveness ?”

“ I did but- Wait. How-“

“ I’ve heard you. When we were in Spain.”

“ Oh. Well, I didn’t want to annoy you with that.”

“ Or I would send him in pieces back in Spain ?”

“ Yes…But the reason doesn’t matter. We broke up and we’re working on it. Anyway ! I’ve seen Charles. Twice.”

“ What do you mean by working on it ?”

“ What the fuck Max, It’s not what I want to talk about but Charles !”

“ Okay, talk about Charles ! How did you see him ?”

“ He came in your apartment because he wanted us to meet for whatever reason and he said he’d missed you. And he also saw you kept his secret Santa gift.”

“ When I say you can stay there, I don’t mean people getting in with you. What did he say about it ?”

“ That it was a silly gift and he didn’t think you were gonna keep it. But he really appreciated it, I think.”

“ Oh.”

Max felt embarrassed, it wasn’t a secret that he’d kept it since his friends had seen it already but Charles knowing was another subject. But it was less embarrassing he learned it when he wasn’t there.

“ And then we met for lunch another day. And I learned you were there before running away to your mommy.”

“ You never asked where I was.”

“ I’ve never said I did. You’re defending yourself pretty quickly.” Lando smiled, “ So what happened ? I’m pretty sure your mom was good.”

“ Nothing happened, she just needed me.”

“ So…You didn’t run away because you finally understood that you were seeing Charles more than a friend ?”

“ No.” He abruptly answered.

His face was definitely turning red. When did Lando learn how to read in him so well ? They knew each other more than before after being friends for years but still. Was he that obvious ? He thought he was great at hiding it but maybe it was only an illusion.

“ You’re turning red.”

“ I’m not.”

“ I think he likes you.”

“ Stop saying stupid things. He doesn’t. He isn’t even gay.”

“ And I think you like him too.”

“ I’m not into men, Lando, what are you saying ?”

Max was trying to stay calm. He wasn’t upset but embarrassed by what his friend was saying and thinking. Charles wasn’t into men and he wasn’t neither. He had to quickly think about it. The Monegasque had never say explicitly he was only into girls so there was a chance and he had to admit it. But he couldn’t like him. No one could like him.

“ I may look stupid but I’m not that much. You’ve kept his secret santa gift, the card, Charles’ helmet is the first one we notice from your collection, you even have a pic of you and him at the back of your phone. And I can talk about hoooow much time you’ve said his name in your sleep.”

“ It doesn’t mean anything.”

“ Since he came back, you look better. Brighter but also full of worries. You look like me for that and it’s not the Verstappen I know ! So tell me. I can listen. I can advice. Liking Charles or anyone else isn’t something bad. I assure you.”

“ Even if I wanted it, I can’t.”

“ Why ?”

“ Lando, stop. Please. It’s just- Charles and I, we’re friend. We can’t be more and I don’t want us to be.”

“ It’s fear.”

“ We’re driving the fastest cars in the world, how can I be afraid by such a thing ?”

“ Oh trust me, love can be way more scarier than racing.”

Love ? He’d never associated Charles and love. Or did he ? Why would he ? If he never did, then why was it making his heart flutter, beat even more than it already did for him ?

“ Lando, can’t you just accept that I’m not into him or anyone else ?”

“ Okay. But remember I’ll always be there if you need to talk.”

“ You’re the one who broke up with his fiancé.”

“ Stop talking about my messed up relationship every time you want to sneak out from Charles’ subject.”

“ Then stop talking about him.”

“ I won’t. For today, yes, but not forever ! You should meet him when we’ll be back in Monaco.”

“ I’ll do whatever I want.”

“ Come oooon !”

“ Let’s just play and chill. No talk about anyone, okay ?”

“ Okayyy, Mad Max.”

“ And stop calling me like that.”

“ Never. My job is to annoy you.”

Max sighed but smiled at his friend attitude. While they were playing, he’d gotten a text but didn’t notice it right away. When he finally did, it was Charles who was telling him they couldn’t meet after Canada because his family wanted him to go on a little trip with them. After all this time, he had no choice but say yes. Max didn’t know if he was disappointed or relieved because he wasn’t sure how he would react. For this, he could be a little more honest. He was disappointed because he was missing this warm and this feeling of being home. However, he was happy for him because he was spending time with his family, enjoying them. Nothing could ever replace family, biological or a chosen one.

His schedule had been hectic for Canada, then he’d spend a great time back in Monaco. He’d seen his friends including Daniel. Lando was always around. For a whole month, he haven’t seen Charles because of Austria and Silverstone being only a week apart. They texted a little but not much, his mood was impacted but they’d agreed to meet before Hungary.

When the day had come, Max had been nervous. He had conflicted feeling, as always when it came to Charles since he came back. This time, they weren’t gonna eat together nor meet at Charles’ place. It was going to be at their little cove, relaxing and peaceful.

When Max got there, Charles was already waiting. The dutchman quickly reached him, sitting next to him. When the Monegasque had looked at him, Max got this feeling of feeling at home back, heart warmed.

“ Sorry for Silverstone.” Charles smiled.

“ Oh, I’ve come to the conclusion Silverstone will never be mine. Being fourth is the worst though. Not even on the podium.”

“ Let’s be honest, whatever isn’t the first place is the worst.”

“ True.”

“ But you won in Red Bull hometown.”

“ No way I was gonna let Mercedes win there.”

Charles laughed, Max was still Max after all. They talked about a lot of things, the monegasque’s vacation, Max’s races and problems with medias. While they were talking, he’d stared at Charles face once again and especially his lips. It all seemed like a déjà-vu. He was religiously listening to his voice but it didn’t last.

Max’s face was slowly filling the gap between them, eyes closed, trying to keep his breath calm while their lips were getting closer and closer. He shivered when he’d felt Charles’ soft hand grazing his cheek, getting on his neck. He could feel the Monegasque’s breath on his lips before he suddenly stopped but didn’t step back. Their foreheads resting against each other, their noses touching.

Heart beating. Mind losing. Fear. The sweet and fresh breeze hitting his skin, the waves hitting the cove, it was them and only them.

“ Charles..” Max whispered, “ I- I can’t.”

“ Why ?”

Max wanted it. Again. He’d been about to do it, to let himself do what he wanted to. Charles had put distance between them after Max’s silence. And his heart broke when he noticed the pain on his face. Guilt swallowed him.

“ You’re doing this again.” The Monegasque said bitterly.

“ What ?”

“ Almost kissing me, giving me hopes and then breaking my heart.”

Charles had rose up, Max doing the same with confusion. What was he saying ?

“ I never-“

“ Stop that, you did ! Before I left, we met here after partying and you kissed me. Yes, you were drunk but do you even understand what it was for me ? I’ve been dreaming of you for years, Max ! I love you since our karting days. I was there when your dad made you cry, I was there when you had crashes and so much more. What did you give me ? Hopes before just make them disappear. You laughed. You laughed after kissing me. You told me how stupid it was and how stupid it would be if anyone saw us. And so much more. All of this was only a stupid things for you while it wasn’t for me. I hated you. You’re the reason I left.”

Max only stared at him, livid. Charles wasn’t a sunshine anymore, tears falling down his cheeks, his beautiful eyes pained. He had not even a slight memories of this. Charles loved him. Charles hated him. Charles left because of him.

“ How can you be so heartless ?” The monegasque asked with a broken voice.

He stayed speechless, his throat so tight that it was hurting. What he was doing was never enough for anyone. He’d never been enough, he was always doing wrong things. He ended up hurting people he liked. He’d never felt so much pain at once, feeling like his heart was being stabbed without limits.

“ I- I have a heart..”

It was the only thing he was able to say. He wanted to say more, to let his feelings out but something was restraining him. He felt guilty and like a monster for hurting someone as kind as Charles.

“ If you had one, mine wouldn’t be so broken. I never expected you to be mine because I knew it would never happen. I tried to not love you but my heart was stubborn. For a second when you kissed me, I thought we could be a thing. How stupid I was, right ? Max Verstappen only wants to win and destroy others. Congratulation, you destroyed me.”

Charles was being cruel, he knew it but didn’t care. Max was a part of the reason he’d left, yes, but he’d only been the final stab that killed him back then. It wasn’t fair to tell him something like that.

Max was holding back his tears because he didn’t want to cry in front of him. His dad’s words were echoing in his mind saying someone like him shouldn’t.

“ I’m sorry…” Max almost whispered.

The Monegasque stared at him and without a word, started to leave. Max didn’t do anything about it, only watching him and feeling tears rolling up his cheeks. He was frozen and guilty. He fucked up everything because he couldn’t assume what he wanted.

Chapter Text

Charles went straight back home right after seeing Max. His heart was shattered. Once in his silent home, he decided to pity himself in his bed just like he used to when he was a teenager. He just wanted to laugh at himself. When he was a teenager ? He even did it when he was an adult and he was about to do it again just now. Charles didn’t even turn the light on, staying in the dark while he was laying in his bed, ready to cry all the tears he had left. Did he still had some, though ? He wasn’t sure.

However much you wanted someone to want you, there was nothing you could do to make it happen. Whatever you did for them, whatever you gave them, whatever you let them take, it could never be enough. Never enough to be sure. Never enough to satisfy them. Never enough to make them love you. Was he destined to be in love forever for someone he couldn’t have ? Love wasn’t supposed to hurt so bad, so deeply. It was supposed to heal you, make you feel worth of everything. A mutual love was supposed to. But his wasn’t.

He hated him. He loved him. He loved him. Max was heartless. Max was wonderful. Charles didn’t want to be with Max. Charles wanted to be with Max.

When they said love made you crazy, they were right, it did. He hated to still be so eager of him. Loving Max destroyed him. And yet, he was still in love. He’d gave his heart to him, he didn’t want it. Now, it was gone. Because he could never have it back. It belonged to Max, who had no care of it and was hurting it.

Max was his first love and he’d never been able to fade it, to love someone else. A first love that fucked him up. He couldn’t remember when exactly he fell in love with him, it just happened before he even knew it. And it hurt.

The next day in the afternoon, Max was still in his bed which he hadn’t left since yesterday, staying in the dark and not even answering his phone anymore. He wasn’t feeling well, guilt swallowing him harshly. He couldn’t bear the fact he was the reason why Charles had left and how much he’d hurt him. No, what did he know about that ? Charles must’ve been hurt way more than he could ever imagine. Was he really heartless ? If he was, he shouldn’t feel so hurt and pained, right ?  

Charles loved him since Karting. He wasn’t worth of it. He wasn’t worth of his kindness and love. He'd wiped the tears falling on his red cheeks. He felt pathetic. Remembering Charles’ face showing how hurt he was, his tears, he realized what he had done. He’d destroyed a sunshine he thought would shine forever, just like he always did. But this sunshine faded because of him.

For years, he’d missed him and wondered why he’d left. All this time, he had the answer. He’d so much thoughts but not at the same time. He didn’t know what his feelings were when it comes to Charles. Before, it was something great. Now it was painful.

He’d always told himself he wasn’t missing Charles. But he did. He thought they weren’t friends. They were. He’d told Lando he didn’t like Charles. Did he ?

Did he like Charles ? More than a friend should do ? His mind was saying no but his heart was screaming yes. All he wanted was to kiss him, stay close, getting lost in his shiny eyes, being the reason of his sweet smile. And because he just couldn’t assume anything about his feelings, he only was the reason of his tears and pain, of his departure.

At some point, he finally got up, taking a shower and leaving his apartment. He’d drove but not too long, his mind only focused on his destination. He had to think about it and only this, stay focused even when he was walking in the building. Once in front of the door, he’d opened it since he had the keys.

The first thing that hit him when he entered silently and closed the door was how lively this place was. More personal and filled with Lando’s laugh. Max just walked in his streaming room, surprising him. Max was barely coming here, the brit was always the one going to him and just by seeing the dutchman, he knew something was wrong. Lando ended his stream saying he had some issues and would come back later or the next day. After checking he really ended everything, he stared at his friend.

“ Max ?”

“ Can I stay a little ?”

He needed someone who would comfort him. He could’ve gone to Daniel but he was in Australia. And Lando may be the person who could understand him the most.

“ Yes, of course what’s going on ?”

“ Am I heartless ?”

“ What ?”

But Max didn’t repeat. He just stared at his friend with a look Lando has never seen on him.

“ Let’s sit and talk ?”

And Max said no with his head.

“ Should I talk ?”

This time, Max nodded. Lando had taken him to the living room, the tv still on. They’d sat next to each other but the brit didn’t really know what to say. He’d tried to talk about lot of things, his worries rising up every minute passing. It wasn’t Max.

“ I missed Charles.” Max had finally said.

“ A lot ?”

“ Yes.”

“ And it’s bad ?”

“ Is it ?”

“ Of course not.” Lando answered, “ Something happened with him ?”

“ Am I someone who wants to destroy others ?”

“ Well, on the track you are but it’s how you’ve became world champion. Outside you’re a caring person. Otherwise you would have just let me out of your apartment a lot just to not hear me cry or complain. Did Charles tell you that ?” 

“ I destroyed his heart.”

“ Okay Max, I need you to tell me what happened, I’m lost.”

The dutchman went back to his silence. Lando sighed but knew Max may only need someone around him and he was fine to be this person. They watched something, the brit talking from time to time.

Max had to admit he was feeling a little better. But Charles was in his mind. Missing him wasn’t bad. So wanting to kiss him wasn’t either. Then why was he telling himself it was ? If he had to think about it, his dad had always been really harsh about everything that was out of his own normality. And being attracted to the same sex was totally out of it. Jos had said it was bad and shouldn’t happen. Max had grown up with it but never really shared this opinion. However, his mind had always kept it in a little space. It wasn’t anormal for others but it was for himself. And he knew it shouldn’t. But he couldn’t help it and his feelings were a mess, guided by fear of something that was unknown. And if he was honest with himself, the fear of his dad knowing, of disappointing him. He wasn’t stupid and Max knew he would think it was disgusting.

“ We almost kissed.” He finally said.

“ You did it or he tried to ?”

“ I did. But I stopped because I realized what I was doing and I couldn’t.”

“ Why ?”

“ Because…I-“ Max stopped for a second, “ I don’t know. He said he loved me since Karting.”

“ Oh.”

Lando couldn’t hide his surprise. It was a long time. He suddenly remembered Charles mentioned he had something with Carlos because he couldn’t have the person he wanted. Max was this person and he felt stupid that he haven’t understand earlier. He’d been so into Carlos that he literally never noticed or thought about it. Yes, he thought Charles liked him but not that he’d been in love for so long.

“ He said he’d left because of me, because I destroyed him. He said we kissed a little before he left, I gave him hopes and took them back quickly after by laughing and saying all of this was so stupid while it wasn’t for him. He asked me how I could be so heartless but…I have a heart… I wanted to say a lot of thing but I… couldn’t.”

“ Max. Listen, I understand loving someone for so long can hurt you a lot you but Charles made it into F1. Only a few can access to it. I don’t think you’re the only reason he left. Yes, you may be one of the many reasons but don’t take it as a whole. Be honest with me, do you like him ?”

“ Yes.”

“ Do you love him ?”

“ I don’t know.” Max answered.

“ What do you feel or think when you see him ?”

“ Home. I feel like home. A warm and sweet one. Wherever I am, I always feel the same. He’s like a sunshine. Bright.”

“ What do you like the most about him ?”

“ His shiny eyes and his smile.”

“ I think you love him. Do you think it’s bad ?”

“ Yes, it is. Me and Charles Leclerc ? It sound like a bad movie.”

“ But it’s your mind talking. The only truth is your heart. Does your heart beat for him ? Do you have butterflies when you’re him ? Or maybe you want to be lost in his shiny eyes ?”

“ Yes…”

Max had whispered his answer as if it was a shame. And for him, it was.

“ It’s love. Even if you don’t see it yet or want to admit it, it is. It’s not bad, love is love. Whoever you like, it doesn’t matter. What matter is how they make you feel. If he makes you feel good, you have the right to like him, boy or not.”

“ I’ve never felt like that. For anyone. I don’t want to hurt him again.”

“ If what you said is really the truth, I don’t think you can hurt him more. If you want him, if he’s really making you feel like home then he’s the one for you. Now you just need the courage to go to him and finally say what you feel. If you don’t, it’s also fine but it’s going to hurt you.”

“ I don’t know how to say it.”

“ Just tell him what you told me. How you see him, tell him it’s scary because you’ve never felt like that. Be honest. That’s what you’re always doing, so use it.”

But Max knew he wasn’t brave enough to face Charles again and confess how he felt. He wasn’t ready to be himself, to love Charles. His truth had to stay the same. He only liked him as a friend and nothing more.

- You can run from the truth. You can run and hide from the truth. You can deny and avoid the truth. But you cannot destroy the truth. Nor can you make the lie true. But you must know that love will always uncover the truth. -

Chapter Text

If Max only wanted his mind to focus on the upcoming race in Hungary, it wasn’t the case. He couldn’t even sleep anymore. For the first time of his life, he was feeling anxious on a daily basis and was overthinking everything he’d done with Charles. Not only what had happened lately but during his whole life. All the thing he’d said or done, what could’ve hurt him without even knowing. His heart was heavy, as if it was going to leave his chest or maybe it was staying to blame him.

He was losing himself in training during the day and partying when night was coming. Sometimes it was with Lando, other times with fellow drivers or alone. He’d never met Charles since the cove and it was better this way. Lando was trying to lead him to go and talk with the Monegasque but Max was stubborn and refused it. Jimmy and Sassy were even cuddlier when he was home. They were his little comfort.

His race weekend had been a mess. Usually, everything that was happening in his life wasn’t affecting his driving. His dad had always taught him to be a cold machine on the track, focusing on winning and nothing else. But this time, it affected it. Because Charles was an incessant and intrusive thought. He was fighting for a championship, something like that shouldn’t matter. It wasn’t that important. Charles wasn’t that important. Doing his best had only put him as a third and he hated it. The team wasn’t either, wanting to be at the top for another championship and for winning constructor as well. Max wasn’t feeling like himself.

Despite this disappointment, Max went to party and greatly enjoyed it till he went back to his hotel room. He was drunk and it was the moment he usually was honest the most about everything including his feelings. He’d taken his phone, calling Charles without even thinking more. Surprisingly, the Monegasque answered.

“ What do you want ?”

“ Hiii.”

“ Are you drunk ?”

Was he drunk ? Absoluely not, he felt fine. But he wasn’t.

“ Listen, I’m not drunk but I want to tell you something.”

“ What ?”

“ I miss you.”

Charles stayed silent but Max wanted to continue, just letting out what he’d been wanting to say for a long time.

“ Like really really missing you. Because you’re like a sunshine you know, a pretty, pretty sunshine.”

“ Just go to sleep.”

“ I can’t because you stay in my mind and my heart is heavy because you’re hurt.”

“ I’m not hurt so sleep peacefully.”

“ Why do you love me ?”

“ Max, I’m gonna hung up.”

“ Please, no, I’m sorry for what I did. I wanted to kiss you but…”

“ Listen to me. Hang up and call me tomorrow if you want.”

“ I have a heart, I promise, I know it because it beats faster when you’re here. I want to see you.”

“ You’re literally in Hungary, what are you even saying ?”

“ Nothing is gonna stop me.”

Max didn’t let him say something else, hanging up and calling again but this time, in video as he was laying on the bed. Charles had answered once again, the dutchman seeing he was in his bed already.

“ See ? I’m resourceful.”

Charles sighed but wasn’t showing any animosity toward Max which made him happy. Maybe he still had some chances to come back to him.

“ If I apologize, are you still mad ?”

“ It’s not about apologizing but I won’t talk about it with you right now.”

“ Promise me you won’t ever leave anymore like you did.”

“ Why does it matter ?”

“ It matters to me because I want you clooose !”

“ I told you, Monaco is home for me. I’m gonna stay.”

“ I wanted to thank you.”

“ For what ?”

“ Everything ! When we were younger and I cried, after when we were in F1, you’ve always been kind while I wasn’t.”

“ Aren’t you tired ?”

“ A little, stay on the phone till I fall asleep, okay ?”

“Fine.”

Max had put his blanket on him, looking at Charles on the phone even if his vision wasn’t the best at all. But it was enough.

“ You’re pretty. You must’ve heard it a lot.”

“ If you talk, you’re not gonna sleep.”

“ I’ll sleep because I like your voice so talk.”

Max yawned, closing his eyes since he wasn’t able to keep them open anymore. He wanted him to talk, he liked his voice, sweet and lovely just like Charles as a whole.

“ Good luck for Zandvoort. I know it’s the one you like the most because it’s your home so your family is there to watch you.”

“ I thought of asking you to come too but I didn’t.”

“ I’ll be at Monza.”

“ Too far.” The dutchman had answered with a sleepy voice, “ I miss you.”

He wasn’t even remembering he’d already said it earlier, and he would certainly forget a few things he’d said tomorrow.

“ …Me too.” Charles finally answered.

“ Really ?...”

“ Really. Good night.”

“ Uhm…Night…”

Max had fallen asleep rather quickly, having a peaceful night for once. When he’d woken up the next day, his phone still in his hand, he needed time to recover memories of what had happened. When it came back, he only wanted to disappear realizing what he’d said to Charles. He was too talkative and open when he was drunk, not with everyone and he should thank god for that.

He quickly decided to not tell Lando and keep everything for himself. He was hesitating to text Charles and apologize. All of this just added a little more guilt in him because the Monegasque was staying kinder than he should. Max finally texted a short apologize without much feelings. He didn’t get an answer which was relieving in a way but hurting him in another.

They’d quickly left for the Netherlands after, hoping for the best and a better race. Max knew he had to. To keep his title, to give his team the constructor championship for another year, to still be his father’s pride.

But was he even able to it with someone always in his mind ? Hungary proved it was harder than he thought. Was it the reason his dad had educated him to be a cold machine on track, with a unique goal which was winning ? It must be it.

Max was suddenly annoyed, what he wanted was to enjoy his home but there was this party where all drivers had to attend and he just couldn’t miss it. He tried to but it didn’t work, sadly. Champagne was going to be there anyway, he was going to enjoy this for sure. He was listening to others talk, drinking his champagne. He was waiting for Lando who hadn’t showed up yet, neither Carlos. When someone noticed they finally came in while Max was taking a simp of his drink, he choked, coughing and trying to get his breath back.

“ Charles !” Pierre said.

While Max was still trying to stay alive, the ferrari’s boys got closer. The dutchman finally stared at them, Lando laughing at him and asking if he was fine. He only nodded, trying to control himself and not let his cheeks become pink. Everyone was glad to see the Monegasque who seemed to be happy to be there too. Inside, Max was too.

“ No one told us you were coming.” Alex smiled.

“ Lando invited me. I’ll also be at Ferrari’s for the weekend.”

Max looked at his friend, understanding that he perfectly played his game. If Max wasn’t going to Charles then Lando would make him go to Max. Well played if he was honest because he haven’t seen it coming. All of this had been confirmed when the brit came to him when he was taking another glass, almost whispering.

“ Talk to him now.”

“ Never.”

“ But you called him.”

“ How do you-“

“ Carlos. Who knows from Charles.”

“ I thought Carlos was blacklisted in your heart.”

“ Don’t try to talk about me instead of you. Talk to this pretty sunshine.”

“ Fuck you.”

And now, he was grumpy. He stayed away from Charles but inside, he only wanted to get closer, take his hand in his or only touch it softly. Instead, he stared at him talking with others and he felt jealous. But he knew he was the only one to blame in this situation because it was his mistake. For a second, he was tempted to play Lando’s game and talk to Charles but his stubborn side would never let it happen. Was it really being stubborn or stupid at this point ?

He had to get over Charles. Did he really want to ? He already had his answer. He didn’t.

Max needed to take a breath of fresh air. He’d seen Nyck sneaking outside for a while before coming back earlier so he decided to do the same. He hoped Lando haven’t seen him, to be really in peace because his friend wasn’t the type to let him relax lately. He’d thought it was going to be warmer. It wasn’t too cold though, it was fine. He’d sat on the ground, closing his eyes for few seconds. He was home. And the person who felt like home to him was there too. His heart should be filled with joy and yet-

“ Max ?”

The dutchman recognized his voice in a heartbeat. He then looked at him but didn’t move.

“ Yes ?”

“ Lando said you wanted to tell me something.”

“ I never said that.”

“ Oh.”

Charles looked confused but Max felt like it was now or never. The monegasque had been the one coming to him so, it was easier to let his stubbornness out of it. And all the champagne he had was helping. He wasn’t drunk, he’d just drank enough to feel great.

“ Sorry for calling you last time.”

“ It was fine.”

“ Why are you always like that ?”

“ Like what ?”

“ Kind when I broke you.”

The Monegasque didn’t answer right away, sighing.

“ I’m stupid, I suppose.”

“ Was it a date ?” Max asked, “ When you asked me to come and eat.”

“ I won’t say it wasn’t but I wasn’t expecting anything from you. I only wanted to spend a great time with you. Before you ran away.”

“ I didn’t- I’m sorry.”

“ It doesn’t matter.”

“ Why ? Why loving me when I’m so…me ?”

“ I first liked you, not for who you wanted others to see, but for Max. The boy who’s fond of his mom and sister, who likes cats, hide to cry and is the sweetest when he wants to. Most of people see Max Verstappen. I only see Max.” Charles answered, “ I was cruel. When I said you were the reason I left. You were only one of them. I’m sorry.”

Max felt like his heart suddenly became lighter, not much, but enough for him to feel better. This time, he got up, facing the Monegasque who only looked at him. Max had finally let his body talk, hugging him close, hiding his face in Charles’ neck. He couldn’t refrain a smile, even his scent was lovely.

“ You didn’t lie.” Charles said.

“ About what ?”

“ You have a heart. I can feel it.”

“…Beating for you.” Max whispered before hoping he didn’t hear it.  

Charles’ grip on him became tighter but it wasn’t possible to be closer than they were already. That was what Max wanted. Being loved this way, staying close to the person who was making his heart beat faster and almost stop sometimes.

“ I tried.” Charles started, “ I tried to not want you anymore and let you go. I have to.”

Max’s heart was hurt just by imagining it. He didn’t want Charles to let him go.  Not now that he knew how strong and true his love was. He was selfish, he knew it because he felt like he would never be able to give entirely what Charles wanted from him. The Monegasque deserved better than him. But his selfish side only wanted to keep this love only for himself.

“ I’m a fool. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be here with you.”

“ Don’t. Don’t let me go.”

The dutchman straightened, facing Charles again. Even after all this time, Max was still amazed by how pretty he was. His face got closer, deciding to not listen to his mind and only his heart that was about to stop beating after doing it so fast. Nothing stopped him this time. He knew they couldn’t be seen from there. When his lips finally met Charles’, saying that butterflies filled his body wouldn’t be enough. Even the fireworks in Abu Dhabi weren’t that strong and amazing. His mind was off but it was the most unforgettable kiss he ever had. Innocent at first, of course, but Max was eager of Charles and wanted more. A deeper kiss, a hot one, passionate but he didn’t know how, it stayed sweet. He didn’t know how it was possible but that was how he was feeling it. Charles stopped their kiss, breathless.

“ Max-“

“ Don’t let me go.” He said once more.

The Monegasque stared at him, maybe trying to see if he was serious or not. He wasn’t sure himself if he was but right now, he decided to not think about it. Charles kissed him again, Max’s back quickly resting against the wall and shivering because of the coldness. He’d let his hand going through his hair, they weren’t as soft as he’d imagined it but it was okay, he loved the fact Charles wasn’t as perfect as he’d been thinking the last years.

He'd never thought it would really happen. Kissing another man. No, it wasn’t just another man, it was Charles and it was the reason he was doing it. He smiled thinking the Monegasque was a great kisser. When they ended their kiss, they stared at each other. And the dutchman started to slowly feel bad.

“ You’re gonna run away, right ?”

Max didn’t answer. What was he going to do now ? His fear was still here. But he didn’t want to hurt Charles again, break his heart as If he himself didn’t had one. If his dad was finding out, it would the biggest drama of his family. Thinking of him was already too much, now they kissed. And he loved it.

“…Don’t tell anyone. Not even Carlos.” Max said.

“ I won’t.”

The dutchman had let his fingers touch Charles’ cheek with a softness he didn’t know he had. Under his touch, his face softened, smiling a little and something in Max’s chest warmed. When his finger softly brushed Charles’ lips, he only wanted to kiss him again.

“ I like it. Kissing you.”

“ Today. Tomorrow you’ll regret. I’ve learned it in the past.”

“ If…If I…”

Words were stuck in his throat. He was still denying everything in his mind. He could still denying it to the world and kept Charles as his secret. But how long ?

“ Hide. We have to hide.”

“ You want us to hide ?”

“ Yes. You’ll be my secret.”

 “ Max…”

Max could see he was thinking and considering it. It was selfish but he hoped the Monegasque would stay anyway. Maybe tomorrow, without his champagne he was going to think endlessly about his situation.

“ I can do it.” Charles answered.

“ You said I haven’t changed. But, I feel like I did.”

“ The Max I left would’ve never told me I was a pretty sunshine. So I guess I was wrong.”

“ I definitely wouldn’t.”

“ We should go back inside.”

“ We should.”

Max stared at Charles, waiting for him to do something which he, in fact, did by kissing him. He’d never imagined sharing a kiss with his past rival, the person who’d stole his 2023 title, who’d left him the same year and even more, a man. But here he was, kissing Charles Leclerc and loving it.

Chapter Text

 After kissing for a few more times, They went back inside, acting as if nothing had happened and continuing this party. Max had been able to see how Lando was staring at him but he didn’t say anything about it. The dutchman didn’t want to but looked at Charles every time he had a chance to. Later when they came back at their hotel, Max was tired and didn’t last long. Just enough to text Charles saying good night before falling asleep. It has been a peaceful night, one of the best he had.

Meanwhile, Charles had a busy mind. Yes, Max kissed him and didn’t want him to let him go. But he wasn’t a total fool, he’d learned with all the disappointment he’d faced because of the dutchman. And yet, he still fell for it. Staying hidden wasn’t what he wanted but asking for more would only lead Max to run away. When he was thinking about it, even Carlos and Lando didn’t come out after being together for 3 years. And the FIA wasn’t really gay-friendly. He’d often wondered why he was born this way, liking boys and especially one who was like a lion, ready to tear you apart. At first, he’d thought Max was a literal bitch and he only wanted to punch him. But after observing him, he was a sweet boy who had been raised to be the driver he was today. His somewhat cold attitude was only something to protect himself, Charles had quickly assumed.

Their karting years had been the roughest. Max was barely showing positive attitude towards him. But it was a harsh period, the rivalry was eating them and Jos must’ve told his son to not befriend. Despite that, Charles interest in Max was growing, watching him from afar. It was innocent, a tender first love during your teenage years. He’d tried to be there for him, just like the day he cried and hided. The Monegasque didn’t know everything but what he was sure of was Max would be in trouble if he was caught like that by his father. So, Charles waited and lied to Jos. He still remembered as if it was yesterday how Max was surprised and embarrassed. But he hadn’t been rude, only thanking him. When Charles had came back home this day, his heart was full of love, butterflies not only in his stomach but his whole body. At this moment, he knew he was fucked.

He'd gotten up, taking a shower before joining Lando and Carlos for a quick breakfast. The brit offered him to join them when they were gonna train, thinking it would be great. After considering it, Charles had agreed answering he’d already planned to do it anyway. Lando’s trainer picked him up while they were talking, the brit complaining a little but following anyway. The Monegasque went back to his room with Carlos to get change, he’d done it before taking medicines out of his bag.

“ You haven’t told me your blood test result.”

“ Not bad.”

“ But not good.”

“ I’m fine.”

“ What about Max ?”

“ He’s still himself.”

“ I like Max, you know that. He’d been my friend for years but it’s time to let him go. He only brought you sadness. Have you seen how far it got you ?”

“ Carlos, I don’t want to talk about it today.”

Charles had taken his medicines, knowing Carlos would not let it go of the subject. He knew why. More than anyone and he knew it was only worries.

“ I’m pretty sure Pierre and I share the same opinion.”

“ He told me.” He answered before staring at him, “ What are you expecting from me ? It’s easy to say for you. Lando had been in love with you since he entered F1.”

“ I thought Max changed and could give you what you needed but he didn’t. I think he likes you but he’ll never fully admit it to himself or people around him. Lando really wants you two together but it’s only because he doesn’t know the full story. I was against you coming here.”

“ I know.”

“ But you’re blinded by your love for him. Please, I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want it to end like it did before.”

“ It won’t. Just trust me.”

“ That’s all I can do.”

They finally went to the training, Lando already doing his. Charles thought it felt weird to be with them doing exercises. It was like going back to when he was into F1 and driving for his dream team. He’d to admit it was hard to be here knowing he wasn’t a Scuderia’s driver anymore. It has been his dream, he lived it. He dreamed of a world championship, he got it. After a hard time, of course, and a 2022 season that made him having the most mental breakdown he ever had. But, he got it. However, life wasn’t fair. And that was what was breaking him the most. While he was training, his phone rang. Charles answered after seeing it was Max, panting.

“ Hi ?”

“ What are you doing ?”

Max’s voice was husky, he must’ve been awake for not that long. It was cute.

“ Carlos and Lando asked me to train with them.”

“ Oh. Can they hear me ?”

“ No.”

“ Can you sneak out of it and come here ?”

“ …I suppose ?”

“ Come then. Room 33.”

“ Coincidence ?” Charles chuckled.

“ I hope not.”

“ Bye.”

After hanging up, Charles used an excuse to get out of this training session which worked. Getting to Max’s, he asked himself if all of this was a really good idea. But it wasn’t stopping him. And Max sounded like he haven’t change his mind yet. His hopes were rising up and he knew his fall would be harder. Stupidly, his heart was pleased to go to him. He’d waited for so long.

When he’d seen Max opening the door, he knew his eyes must’ve shone when they’d met his. It was easy to notice he’d just woken up but for Charles, he was even more attractive. He went in, hearing the door closing behind him before feeling Max back hugging him.

“ I’m sweaty.”

“ I don’t mind.”

Charles turned around, staring at him and smiling. His hand had quickly been lost in his messy and soft hair almost playing with it. He was tempted to kiss him and he ended up doing it, feeling his heart exploding just like it did yesterday. Max was clinging onto him but Carlos’ words were still in his mind. Max haven’t changed. But Charles was a fool for him, he was denying the facts and wanted to believe in this sweet lie Max was giving him.

“ You should start your training session.”

“ I should.” The dutchman answered, “ I’m grumpy to know you’ll be at Ferrari for my home race.”

“ You’re the one who didn’t invite me.”

“ Indeed.”

Charles had looked at him, Max’s wonderful blue eyes on him. When he was gone, he’d never wanted to forget it. Yes, he could see it with pics that were posted by Red Bull but it’d never been the same. And he had a hard time to watch F1, look into the content. He avoided it for a long time because he was hurt. His eyes were way better in person anyway, sparkling. It was even more sparkly when he was smiling, laughing or winning.

“ So that’s all you called me for ? hugs and kisses ?”

“ Yes.”

“ At least, you’re honest.”

“ I’m tired today.”

“ That’s the life you chose, Maxie.”

“ You chose it too before.”

“…Yeah. But this life is now too fast for me.”

“ I miss it.” Max said, “ Our old time. Racing against each other. Seeing you in red even if I want to burn Ferrari.”

“ Don’t say that, if it happens they’re gonna think it’s you.” Charles giggled, “ I miss it too. You know what I miss the most ?”

“ No ?

“ Your explication after each race even if sometimes, I didn’t even understand.”

Max had hit him, not too hard, with an offended face.

“ How dare you to not even understand me, Leclerc ?”

“ I’m not afraid of lions. You’re more like a lion cub to me.”

“ I’m gonna bite you, you’ll be afraid.”

“ Try, I may like it.”

He held back his laugh seeing Max’s flustered face and pink cheeks, not making any comments about it. It was something not a lot were allowed to see and he felt glad to be one of them. When the dutchman wanted to answer back, his phone had rang. Max quickly checked it which meant to take a step back from the monegasque, answering because it was his trainer. They didn’t talked too long, Charles patiently waiting. Without any reason, he’d felt a little dizzy, obligating him to sit on the bed, that was the nearest thing around him.

“ Are you okay ?” Max asked with worry before getting back to his call, “ No, not you, idiot. I’ll come soon. Bye.”

Max ended it, getting closer and almost throwing his phone away. Charles wasn’t feeling too bad. A least, not as he used to so it was almost like feeling great now. Maybe training with current F1 drivers wasn’t the best idea he had. But he felt alive.

“ I’m fine. I didn’t sleep well so I may be tired.”

“ Rest here till I’m ready if you want.”

“ I told Carlos I was gonna comeback quickly.”

“ Fuck Carlos.”

“ It’s okay. I’m gonna go back. I heard you had things to do tonight so I suppose we will only see each other tomorrow for free practice.”

“ I have things planned, yes. I’ll text you if I come back early.”

“ How funny it is, you can’t live without me anymore ?”

“ Shut up, do I need to remember you I literally lived without you for 3 whole years ? I can handle it.”  

Charles didn’t get offended but Max’s face showed how he talked too fast and was already regretting it. The Monegasque didn’t say anything, curious of what he was gonna say.

“ I didn’t mean it, I-“

“ You meant it, otherwise you wouldn’t have said it.”

“ No, it’s… I’m sorry.”

“ I won’t forgive.” Charles answered before smiling, “ Unless you tell me I’m a pretty sunshine again ?”

He had to give everything to not laugh while staring at Max who looked embarrassed and shy, his cheeks pink. It was cute, so far away from the Dutch lion fans loved or hated. He’d been surprised when he drunk called him, saying he was pretty and like a sunshine. He’d already heard some people saying he was pretty. Carlos had done it before. But from Max, it was different. Everything was different when it came to him.

“ Why can’t you forget about it ?”

“ You wish. You, Max Verstappen, calling me like that ? There is no way I’ll forget.”

“ I’m sorry… Sunshine.”

“ Pretty ?”

“ Charles !”

This time, he laughed. A true and honest laugh. He got him closer by putting his arms around his waist. He didn’t know what to expect from Max’s reaction. They’d never been that close. Otherwise, his life would’ve been way different.

“ I liked when you said that. Even if you were drunk.”

“ Oh.”

“ You should get ready for your training. You don’t want to be scolded at almost 30 right ?”

“ Pff. As if it was affecting me.”

Of course, Max was someone who didn’t care about things like that. Charles had let go of him, getting up. He wanted to stay more but he felt like the dutchman wasn’t going to get ready if he was staying.

“ Get ready.”

“ Don’t sound so bossy, it doesn’t suit you.”

“ Sorry, my sunshine vibes may be off.”

“ You’re not gonna forget it right ?”

“ Nope.”

“ Fuck.”

Charles smiled, leaving a kiss at the corner of his lips. Max looked a little surprised but pleased.

“ Bye bye Maxie.”

The Monegasque chose to not give him the opportunity to keep him more, leaving quickly. He went back to Carlos and Lando who were still training, doing it on his own slower and more careful than he used to. At some point, Max finally came in and started his own training. Charles had looked at him from time to time, meeting Max’s gaze on him sometimes. If the dutchman wanted to play it hidden, he wasn’t sure it was the best way to deal with it. For everyone else, it could be normal, without any fuss. But Lando was pretty good at seeing it just as much as Carlos and Pierre. Max would never admit it. Charles didn’t know. He’d lied for a long time before and lying was tiring.

He knew his two Ferrari friends had something to do with the team. After taking a rest in his room, maybe he could discover a little Zandvoort. He’d never done it. He’d always been here only for racing. Now, it wasn’t the case anymore. Feeling that he couldn’t do more in his current state, he’d left, going back to his room and taking a shower. His tiredness was too high, his bed was almost calling him and he gave up. He’d decided to take a little nap, hoping he was gonna have the faith to go outside after and not stay inside.

If he was honest, he was pretty sure he wasn’t going to be a tourist today. Staying in his hotel room wasn’t sounding that bad. Everyone was busy so he had plenty of time alone and resting.

And he’d been right. He didn’t leave his bed, not finding the strength to do it. Ha haven’t seen Max neither but he would see him for free practice the next day anyway. The same Max who had texted him all the day and was even worried when he fell asleep once again, not answering anymore. Charles couldn’t help but think about how cute Max could be. But he also knew how rude and mean he could act.

Chapter Text

 Charles had thought it wasn’t the best idea to come and go to Red Bull especially for a race where Max was the spotlight. And Max had agreed to this. But he kept looking for the Monegasque whenever he had the chance without even noticing it. His mom and sister were there, encouraging him. Even if they didn’t say anything, they’d noticed he was looking better wondering what happened. He’d had some issues with his car during free practice but it wasn’t too bad, everything must be great for qualifications. He had to do long team talk just as always, hoping it was going to end pretty quickly. He was checking his phone from time to time, hoping to see a text from Charles but he didn’t. He didn’t know if he was upset or disappointed. He couldn’t see him this day and Charles didn’t answered to his texts. He’d tried to relativize, they weren’t committed to each other. Or were they ? They didn’t talk about such a thing. Maybe they should’ve done it. But Charles knew what he wanted. Max didn’t.

So, full of sudden confidence and at a late hour, he went to Charles’ room. He’d been careful to not be seen by anyone, quickly knocking hoping he wasn’t sleeping. He’d to wait and knock a second time for finally see the door opening on a sleepy and confused Charles, the only low noise being the tv that was on.

“ Max ?”

“ Oh fuck I’m sorry.”

The Monegasque yawned before taking a step back to let him enter. Max went in, hearing the door close behind.

“ What’s going on ?”

“ Nothing but you weren’t answering.”

“ Oh… I’ve been sleeping since I came back.”

“ Sorry, I shouldn’t have come.”

“ Don’t worry.”

Charles had smiled, hugging and kissing him softly. Max had to admit he missed it and him.

“ The car was shit today.”

“ I noticed. You can complain about it.”

He needed to talk about how frustrated he was, and Charles was the perfect person to talk to since he could easily understand him.

“ But I just woke you up.”

“ It doesn’t matter. What about taking a shower and get on the bed to talk ? You can go back to your room or do it here, I’ll give you clothes.”

“ It- Well, it sounds great. I’ll do it here.”

" Perfect."

The Monegasque had given him clothes, Max quickly going to shower before coming back. Charles was waiting in his bed, being on his phone. Max had come closer, slowly getting on the bed. It was weird to be in the same bed as him and yet, it wasn’t a big deal. He'd already been in one with Lando and more than once. But just as always, nothing was the same when it came to Charles. So, Max started to complain while looking at the tv, talking about the team, about the car and way more things. He'd lost himself in his talk, not even noticing Charles had fallen asleep till he'd felt his head totally resting against his shoulder.

" Charles ?" He whispered.

After not getting an answer, he was afraid to move. He didn’t want to wake him up again but this position wasn’t going to be comfortable for a long time. Should he move or not ? He was confused. He'd finally listened to himself, moving but supporting Charles', trying to lay him without waking him and stay soft. When the Monegasque lowly opened his eyes, Max had quickly whispered.

" It's okay, just sleep. I'll stay."

" Yes ?"

" Yes. All the night."

Max had watched him getting more comfortable and going back to sleep. A part of him was thinking he should go back to his room but another only wanted to stay here. And he did, laying next to Charles, staring at him sleeping. He looked peaceful and still feeling like home. He'd tried to reach his face but stopped when he almost touched his cheek. He was in a hotel, in Charles' room, in Charles bed, in Charles' clothes. Max's heart was now fulfilled as if he'd always wanted that. 4 years before, he would've never believed it if someone had told him something like that. But here he was. He got closer, hugging him and hiding his face in his chest. When he was about to fall asleep, he'd felt Charles arm around him which made him smile. Yes. He only wanted that. Finally, he'd fallen asleep, happy. It may have been one of the happiest moment of his life. It was home. Safe and warm. Peaceful.

The next day, the monegasque's voice had woke him up despite him talking lowly. Max was still holding him as if his life was depending on it, it almost felt shameful. When he looked up, he'd stared at him talking on the phone to whom he knew was Carlos. He didn’t know why but his mind suddenly decided to be playful, leaving a little kiss on the corner of his lips then on his jaw before getting into his neck. Charles had tried to shorten his call finally succeeding while Max was giggling almost proud of himself.

" You're kinda evil, Maxie." Charles had said smiling.

" Yea, that's what people say."

He'd got a kiss, enhancing the fact it was what he wanted, someone who loved him. Sleeping with someone else who wasn’t Lando after his usual crying session about Carlos, waking up against him. Then why there was still a part of his mind saying all of this was wrong and should end ?

" You should get up and get ready. It's quali today."

" I should."

" Are you giving some rest to your rivals before destroying them ?"

" Yeah."

" Are you staying here after to be with your family ?"

" Few days, I think. Then I have vacation planned with Lando and Carlos just like ever year. As if I wasn’t seeing them enough. What about you ?"

" I have nothing planned, I'm free as fuck now. But at least we can meet in Monaco when you come back."

" Maybe…You can try to be invited by Carlos and Lando to our trip ?"

" I don't think so, I'm pretty sure he won't like that."

" Carlos ? Why ?"

" He has his reasons, it's just… Carlos is aware of everything I've ever felt towards you and how you reacted."

" Fair reaction. I can give him that."

" And you want us to be discreet."

" Lando. Use Lando, he'll convince Carlos no matter what."

" Maybe. I'll try." Answered Charles, " Now, just get up."

" You're so bossy with me."

" I have to. You're too wild."

Max rolled his eyes before hearing his phone seeing it was his trainer who texted and finally noticing what hour it was. Shit. He was gonna be late. He finally straightened, knowing he had to quickly get back to his own room and change.

" I have to go."

" That's what I told you, Maxie."

The dutchman had gotten up, taking his stuff before getting back to Charles to kiss him.

" See you in red later."

" Am I not a pretty sunshine today ?" Charles smirked.

" You always are but no way I'm gonna call you like that."

" What a pity."

After a last kiss, Max had quickly left being careful to not be seen, trying to keep up to his routine and be ready for quali. He'd got time to see his mom and sister, talking with them before seeing Charles around. He suddenly wasn’t keeping up with what was saying, only focused on him with a bright smile he didn’t even realize. His mom had noticed, just as much as his sister but none of them said a thing. They only got his attention back when he was out of sight.

" Is Charles your friend again ?" His mother asked.

Max wasn’t expecting such a question. He'd tried to answer in a neutral way, not wanting to show too much.

" Oh…Uh…Yes. Since he came back."

" That's great." She answered.

" So, you finally consider the Ferrari boy as your friend." His sister playfully said.

" He isn’t a Ferrari boy anymore."

" Seems like he's there and is even wearing their color. Once you've been a Ferrari boy, you'll always be."

" Vic !"

" Max."

They gently continued to argue in front of their mom who wasn’t surprised, just letting them be, finding cute their little brother/sister moment. Shortly before qualifications, he'd seen Charles again talking to some people, making his heart aches a little. He was missing him always around, in this red suit, driving this red car a lot had dreamed about. He didn’t know if the Monegasque had felt his gaze on him or not but he'd turned his head to look at him. It was enough to make his heart flutter. Charles had smiled, Max had done the same. He hadn’t noticed how his mother and sister were watching him, almost analyzing the situation. He'd seen Lando getting closer to Charles, taking his attention away quickly joined by Carlos. The dutchman had felt a sort of disappointment without understanding why. However, it wasn’t important anymore. Only his qualifications was.

It didn't go well enough for Max. His time wasn’t great because he'd to cancel his attempt in Q3, twice. He was second, behind a Ferrari. It wasn’t enough. Being something else than first will never be enough. He was mad. At himself, at others. His family had tried to reassure him saying it was fine and remembering him he'd already won from behind the grid. He'd acted as if it was fine despite being a little mad but it wasn’t. Right now, he wanted only one thing, being around Charles which would comfort him, he was pretty sure of it. His day just went by and then again, team talk and strategy for tomorrow. During a time he didn’t had to be too attentive, he'd checked his phone, seeing a text from Charles.

Charles ( 5:01 pm )

It'll be okay tomorrow, don't worry

Max ( 6:21 pm )

Maybe

Charles ( 6:23 pm )

Don't be like that Maxie, I'm telling you

He'd wanted to answer something before thinking it sounded way too stupid. But he also knew the Monegasque would like it. So, he finally ended to write his text.

Max ( 6:28 pm )

May need a pretty sunshine to feel better

Charles ( 6:29 pm )

Good for you I know a sunshine who wants you

Come after your meeting, we can do it like yesterday, it was great

His attention was needed again, Max telling himself he was going to answer when he would've time. He didn’t much which almost irritated him. Finally free and back at the hotel, he'd tried to not act too excited, waiting a little before going to Charles' room.  He'd opened the door, Max entering in a hurry before turning to the Monegasque who'd just closed the door. He'd almost thrown himself at him, hugging and putting his face in his neck with a pleased sight. It felt so right to be there.

" Charles…" He whispered.

" I know you're frustrated."

" Yea…"

" But it'll be fine."

Max haven't said a thing, staying as he was. He felt better, relaxed in his arms.

" Do you want to complain again ?"

" No."

" What do you want ?"

" You."

" Good for you, I'm all yours."

The dutchman had smiled. Charles was all his ? Max should ask what they were for each other just to be sure. But he wasn’t sure he wanted to, fearing it to become a little too real. They finally ended up in Charles' bed, watching something because Max didn’t want to speak, only clinging onto him. The Monegasque was playing with the driver's hair.

" What do you think about tomorrow's race ?"

" Nothing much right now. I only know that I'll have to beat everyone."

" As always. I'll watch you getting on the podium."

" If the car isn’t shit."

" That would be great but trust me, it can't be as shitty as my 2022 car was."

" Please, it wasn’t only the car. Your team was shit too. It was my year, not yours.”

“ You had some controversy though.”

“ I have controversy every years. About anything. So I’m used to it.”

“ I think you’re the one with the most of it.”

“ Yes, I think so. I’m just not like they want me to be. Not kind enough, not generous enough, not teammate enough, not respectful enough. Nothing is ever enough with me. Or when it is, it is because I’ve been angry and almost fought with someone.”

“ they don’t know you. That’s why.”

“ I can also be rude to people who knows me.”

“ You can. But everyone can. It’s just the way humans are.”

Max had snuggled against him a little more. Charles seemed to always try to make him look kinder and better than he was.

“ How can you be like that ?”

“ Like what ?”

“ Such a warm person.”

“ I don’t know. Maybe it’s the home I’ve been raised in.”

“ Maybe…”

“ We should sleep. It’s getting late and you have a race to win tomorrow. Your pretty sunshine is kinda tired. And Maxie the little lion must be too.”

“ Don’t be so ridiculous. Maxie the little Lion ?”

Charles laughed, hugging him closer, thinking that the tone Max used was one of the funniest.

" You’re the worst, Leclerc."

" If you say sooo."

This time, Max had been the one falling asleep quickly. Charles' arms were the safest place he'd ever been in.

The next morning, he'd left quickly and quietly not wanting to end his sunshine's peaceful sleep. He'd done his usual routine before races, chatting with some drivers he had seen during it. And then, he was with his family again. Just as always, they were the most supportive ever. He was glad to have them here and it seemed even better with Charles around. Of course, he was disappointed they couldn’t be closer, that Charles was with the Red's. But it was his choice and he knew it. The Monegasque wouldn’t have a problem to be at his side, after all, he was now out of F1. He owed them nothing. Max usually didn’t care about anything either. But this time, it was different. Showing what was happening between them would involve his family and mostly his parents. He didn’t want that.

He'd the chance to get closer to Charles when he'd seen his mom talking with him even if it was kinda surprising.

" Mom, I hope you're not annoying him."

" Of course not." She answered.

" Not really kind Max." Charles smiled.

" I was only asking him how he was doing. But we will have more time after the race. I'll go back to your sister. See you later, Charles."

Charles had waved back when she'd left, staring at Max who didn’t follow.

" I think you should go back too."

" Maybe."

" I'll wait for you at the finish line."

" I'll be first."

" Show me what the Dutch lion they love can do."

" Is it a challenge ?"

" May be."

" I take it."

" I've never had any doubts about it."

 Charles had winked before getting back to Ferrari, Max going back to his own team as well.

Max had quickly got first place, now he only had to keep it till the end. When the checkered flag was on sight, he knew he was done. He'd won once again. But this time, Charles was waiting for him at the end. And this fact was making his heart flutter, even happier than he already was. Winning his home race had always been special for him. But knowing that Charles, after being away for so long was there too, made it even more special. Or was it for some other reasons he was still not ready to admit ? It may be.

Victory what was he liked the most. But wasn’t it the case for everyone ? Losing was the worst thing, it has always been for him. After stopping his car, he'd gotten out, immediately seeing his mom and sister with his team. He'd went to them while opening his visor, they hugged him, saying how proud they were. And then, his mind and maybe bis heart, only wanted to find Charles. He'd instantly noticed him when he'd looked around, among all those Ferrari staff.

His want to keep everything for him, for them, vanished in a second as he was rushing to Ferrari's, hugging the Monegasque tightly and happily. Maybe he wasn’t melting that well in all this red but at least, Charles did.

" You did it."

" Just like you really waited for me." Max answered.

" I always keep my promise."

The dutchman only stepped back a little, staring at him for a few seconds before coming back to his sense. They were in public. What he'd just done was already too much. All eyes must be on them right now which was bad, he'd make a mistake. But he decided to keep going, as if t was the most normal thing ever, going to be weighted with his helmet and everything still on. He hadn’t lost too much which was great. He'd finally took his helmet off, drinking some water while his eyes were only looking for warm and beautiful ones. But he couldn’t. He'd done his interview while being cheered on by his oranje army.

Once on the podium, he'd looked at his family who seemed so proud of him, as If he hadn’t won so much races before. Their gaze had never change throughout the years. He'd then looked at Ferrari's where was Charles, staring at him with an amazing smile, eyes sparkling. It has been years since Max had felt that proud. He'd smiled to Charles before getting his trophy and showing it proudly to everyone. Everything was such a fuss after, giving interviews, getting dumb questions as always. Max just went on, a want to celebrate his victory in his mind.

Charles who was still around Ferrari wanted to carefully leave and try to hunt for Max. But instead, after seeing Lando getting inside his driver room a little too quick, he decided to go to him. He'd knocked hearing some unsuccessful hidden cries. The brit had answered after seconds, allowing him to enter.

" Is everything okay ?"

" Oh, yes… I'm fine. Carlos should already be around if you're looking for him."

" Not really. Maybe you would prefer Max instead of me here ?"

" Oh bloody hell, not Max. He will think I'm a drama queen as always. And he won. He should enjoy and celebrate it."

" He'll not think that. What's going on ?"

" I'll never be enough and it's killing me."

" But you are." Tried to reassure Charles.

" No. I'm overrated, I don't deserve anything and even less a legendary team like Ferrari from what they'd said."

" Who ? People ? Lando, I thought you'd learned our lesson about it."

" Apparently not. I can't. They're giving me anxiety, nightmares and so much more. My sleeping pills aren't even strong enough anymore. I've never thought I would end like that for people I don't know or don't know me. I can't do anything if it's not me lacking talents but the car being shitty ! It's not my fault if Max is a fucking monster who's eating everyone, it's not my fault either If you ran away and is coming back now !"

" No, it's not." Answered Charles, " It's too much for you, right ?"

" Yes. And Carlos is… Carlos."

" Trying to cheer you up but doesn’t understand how deep it can be for you."

" How-"

" I was his friend more than his teammate. I know him and I had pretty much worries too. Since he doesn’t care, he can't really understand, only try to."

" I want to be like that too but….I…"

" You're sensitive and it's fine. That's how you're such a good friend. I know you're seeing a therapist, have you talked about it ?"

" I'm not seeing him anymore. But I didn’t tell Carlos. He thinks I'm getting better but I'm quite good at hiding things I want, I suppose. Too much is going on in my head. I love being here, being in Formula one but It's…It's killing me at the same time."

" I know someone who can help you. Give it a try. During your summer break, enjoy it, take a break from socials. Are staying in Monaco ?"

" No, I'm going somewhere with Max and Carlos."

" That's great." Charles answered with a smile, " If you ever need someone, I'll be there for you."

" Charles…Do you think Carlos and I are really a match ?"

" I know you want honesty. I think you both are made for each other but I also think sometimes love isn’t enough."

" Your love for Max wasn’t enough ?"

" I never said it was him."

" You didn’t."

" It wasn’t enough to save me from myself. It was what made me drown with losing everything I was cherishing."

" Save you from yourself ?"

" Sometimes, we are our worst enemy. I was mine. I still am in some ways." The Monegasque had said, " However, Max had never loved me back, it was one-sided and I needed him desperately to keep going. Just like a drug."

" Sound pretty toxic."

" It was. I've learned."

" You didn’t. Both of us, we haven't learned our lessons. I can tell just by your look on him."

Charles chose to not deny or agreed. He'd only smiled, Lando getting up from the couch and coming for a hug he'd got.

" Ah, you may've gotten older, you'll always be like our little brother."

" I hope not in Carlos' mind otherwise it's called incest."

" You're so gross."

Lando laughed just like Charles. It definitely was gross but making a joke about it was fun in the brit's mind.

" Is there any team talk left ? Because we can have fun !"

" You want to have fun with me ?" Lando asked.

" Yes, for sure. Just us ? Not even Carlos."

" Ok ! Max showed me a great place last year !"

" Perfect. I can't promise to party as if I was 20 though."

" Charles, you're not that old, come on !"

They'd quickly asked if they could leave and it was a yes. But before leaving the paddock, Lando doing it first, He'd looked for Max, heading to Red Bull. He'd seen Checo so Max must still be in there too. One of the staff seemed to notice him, coming and asking if he needed help. Charles didn’t want to do something that was against Max's will but he literally hugged him in front of everyone. He finally said yes, that he was looking for Max but if he was busy, he didn’t want to annoy anyone. She smiled, telling him to enter. He'd quickly talked to Checo before being guided to the dutchman who seemed about to leave about to leave his driver room. The girl had left, leaving them alone. After closing the door once again, Charles had kissed the corner of his lips, putting his arm around Max's neck.

" Congratulations."

" Sorry for hugging you in front of everyone."

" I don't mind. Even if you had kissed me or something, I wouldn’t have minded."

" Let's save the kiss for later." Max answered after a few seconds.

The dutchman was suddenly wondering of he would ever had the strength to kiss him in front of others. His answer was no, actually. But life could change an opinion.

" Are you going to celebrate ?"

" Yes but maybe I can sneak in your room after ?"

" I don't even think you'll remember where my room is, Max." Charles chuckled.

" You should've some faith in me."

" I have. Just not for that. And I'll not be there, I have something planned."

" With Carlos ?"

" No."

" Who ?"

" Someone."

" Pierre ?"

" Nope."

Max pouted, feeling jealousy getting all his heart. Why was he not telling with who he was leaving ? Wasn’t he enough ?

" I wanna go with you."

" I said it was only us and, you said we had to stay discreet."

" Yes I said it but…Tell me…Please."

" Are you jealous ?"

" No, I'm not. I-"

" It's only Lando, Max. Don't worry." Charles finally answered.

" Oh. I see. Good."

" If Carlos ask you about it, just say you don't know where any of us is."

" Why is it a secret ?"

" Not really a secret since I'm telling you." Charles said before kissing him, " I have to go. See you tomorrow before getting back to Monaco."

" You're already coming back ?"

" Yes. I have things planned. Alone."

" I'm not jealous."

Charles giggled, leaving few kisses on his cheeks before getting on his lips. He'd taken a step back, leaving a soft and last kiss with a smile.

" See you Maxie the little lion !"

" Stop that !"

" Never !"

" Charles." He called before he could leave the room.

" Yes ?"

" Be careful."

" How sweet, you're worried. Such a sweet boy. I will. Be careful too."

The Monegasque had finally left, getting back to the hotel to quickly take a shower and change his clothes. He'd joined Lando in his room before they finally left almost getting caught by Carlos. They'd held their laughs before getting in the car, leaving to have some fun.

If Lando wasn’t really into alcohol and Charles couldn’t drink even if the brit wasn’t aware of it, when they could get some free shots, they decided it was part of the fun. The Monegasque knew that as long as no one knew about it, it was fine. But when you're dumb and end up being drunk, added to the fact you can be kind of famous, nothing can be hidden.

Chapter Text

The day after his victory in Zandvoort, Max had joined his fellow drivers for a sweet breakfast they'd agreed on beforehand. He'd been partying for a while yesterday but not for a too long time. Everyone was already there, but not Lando.

" I think we can start to eat." Said Alex.

" Norris isn’t gonna show up, he must be too wasted." Smiled George.

" What do you mean ?" Max asked.

George had taken his phone, showing him few people stories on Instagram saying they were partying with F1 drivers. Indeed, Lando and Charles were partying as if it was their last, taking shots, dancing and definitely enjoying what was happening. And then, Lando's own stories where you could see he was drunk as he'd never been before.

"- Chaaarles, how do we feel ?

- I didn’t feel that good in years !

- Me neitheeeeer ! You're the best.

- Don't say that, Max will be jealous.

- He won't, Max if you see this are you jealouuuus ?"

" Tell me it's the only thing they posted." Max said.

" No. The PR team is gonna kill him." Answered Oscar, " There is endless vids of them drinking, having fun, debating who's the prettiest in the grid, talking about teams and more. In fact, Max is Charles' choice. No one is surprised if I say Carlos is Lando's."

" I told you Lando and Charles together weren't a good idea." Pierre had said to Carlos.

" Not here. Everyone, Let's resume our breakfast and let their little party of this night, to this night only." The Spaniard answered.

Max was concerned. Pierre didn’t seem happy and neither was Carlos. He was confused, Charles had said he wasn’t drinking and he did yesterday. It seemed pretty suspicious. The dutchman had quickly finished his breakfast, saying he had things to do. He'd almost ran to Charles' room, knocking and waiting. He'd tried to call him, trying to listen if he could hear his phone ringing into the room. He couldn’t hear anything and then chose to go to Lando's room. This time, when he'd knocked and after a whole minute, the brit had opened still wearing his yesterday clothes. He seemed totally wasted, they probably came back not that long ago. It was almost fun to see him like that, it wasn’t an usual thing.

" You look dead, Norris."

" Oh, shut up."

Max went in, seeing that Charles was in there, sleeping with his clothes on. He couldn’t say much, he was usually the one in this situation. He'd came closer to the bed, staring at the Monegasque to be sure he was fine. He turned around, looking at Lando who looked like he was about to throw up.

" I feel sick."

" If you throw up, no way I'm cleaning or helping."

" I'll not throw up. Who do you think I am ?"

Max held back his laugh when it happened, his friend throwing up in the bathroom. His attention was suddenly fully on Charles since he saw him starting to wake up.

" Charles." He softly called.

" Max ?" He said with an husky voice.

" Yes. Are you okay ?"

" My head hurt."

" I think you both drank for a whole football team."

" Sorry."

" It's okay. Maybe you can go back to your room and rest there ? And change. Because you kinda slept with your clothes on."

The dutchman was talking softly and gently caressing Charles' hair while talking.

" Is Lando okay ?"

" Oh, he's throwing up and regretting his life choice."

The Monegasque giggled before sitting with some difficulties, helped by Max. Maybe he still wasn’t really sober.  

" I'm sure I don't look pretty anymore."

" You always are. I'm gonna check if Lando is better and then I'll go with you in your room."

" Okay."

Max went to the bathroom, seeing his friend staring at himself with regrets in the mirror.

" At least, you had fun."

" I did. But I think I'm just gonna stay here all day."

" Carlos saw your stories so you're gonna hear about it."

" Oh fuck I hate it already. I don't even know what I posted."

" You better check. I'll go with Charles in his room so he can rest. You'll be fine ?"

" Maybe I'm gonna pass out at some point."

" Stop that."

Max rolled up his eyes, going back to Charles who had already fell asleep again. He'd taken the Monegasque's phone, knowing that if he had left anything else, Lando would return it. He'd woken him up, helping him to walk into the corridors. Knowing it would be too long, Charles had asked if he could sleep in Max's room instead which he was totally fine with. Once in there, he'd decided it had to be quick.

" You're gonna shower quickly. Is it gonna be fine ?"

" My head is still spinning."

" When did you stop drinking ?"

" I don't remember."  

" Amazing. Okay, take your clothes off and go in, I'll get you new ones."

" Understood, Maxie the lion." Solemnly answered Charles.

" You're unbelievable."

The dutchman quickly got clothes in his room, the, getting back in the bathroom where Charles had trouble unbuttoning his shirt. Max hadn’t say anything, patiently unbuttoning it for him. He'd never imagined to end up in such a situation.

" Wow, you taking my clothes off only happened in my dreams till now."

Max had felt his cheeks heating up, turning red. It was only reminding him a dream he'd tried to forget right after. And it hadn’t been a success.

" Shut up, Leclerc. I'm helping a drunk friend."

" Friend ? You kiss your friends ? Shit."

" I'm done, You can take the rest off, right ?"

" If I say no ?"

" If you do then wash and go into the bed, I'll call you pretty sunshine for the day. Okay ?"

" I can totally do it myself, Maxie."

" Great. I'll the door slightly open so if something happen, call me."

Charles only nodded before Max left, hoping he wasn’t going to fall and break his neck. Waiting for him, Max had let himself being lost in his thoughts, on Charles' body. He'd literally undressed him. Well, not in the best context ever but the dutchman felt like a shy teenager. He wasn’t even able to clearly look at Charles. He wanted to but his cheeks were burning so hard that he knew he just couldn’t bear it. The Monegasque had finally came back, going stray to Max, letting himself fall on him. Max had catch him in a breath.

" I did everything you asked."

" You aren't properly in bed yet."

Charles seemed to take it as a challenge, getting under the blankets while looking at the driver. Max had smiled, sweetly stroking his hair.

" Perfect….Sunshine."

" Pretty." He corrected.

" Yes, perfect….pretty sunshine." Max answered, " I have things to do. Your phone is on the nightstand with water, rest here. I won't be long, if I am I'll text you. Call me if something happens."

" Kiss ?"

Max sighed before smiling, kissing him. He could say he wasn’t feeling that great and stay with Charles here. But it wasn’t that professional added to the fact the Monegasque was going to sleep all this morning. He may stay this afternoon. That sounded like a way better choice.

" And don't tell anyone."

" Everyone already knows, Charles. You both weren't discreet."

" Shit. I'm dead."

" Not while you're here. Sleep now. See you."

Charles nodded, making a gesture for him to get closer and leaving a kiss on his nose before closing his eyes, ready to fall asleep again. Max had looked at him for a few seconds before leaving quietly.

The Monegasque had been woken up by his phone ringing and someone knocking at the door. He grabbed his phone, answering while staying under the blankets.

" Allo…"

" Charles. Where are you ?"

He'd perfectly recognized Carlos and he sounded irritated. He didn’t want to answer his question.

" Somewhere."

" Open the door, I know you're in Max's room."

" No. Why don't you check on Lando instead ?"

" I already did. Please, open."

Charles had hung up, getting up and opening the door. He'd stared at his friend for a few seconds, noticing he wasn’t alone but with Pierre.

" Is it gonna be a tribunal ?"

" Maybe." The Frenchman answered.

" Fucking amazing."

" So, can we enter ?" Asked Carlos.

" It's not my room, Max…"

" Doesn’t need to know." Said Pierre, " We won't be long."

At his age, Charles couldn’t believe he was gonna be scolded like a child. He'd let them enter, hoping to not face Max with people in his hotel room. He had a head ache, going to sit on the bed with a sigh. He stared at them, waiting for what they had to say.

" How can you act like this ?" Pierre asked.

" I don't know."

" And where are you ? In Max's room. Haven't you learned he can't be the one for you ? He'll break your heart again."

" I'm not a child."

" Oh no you're even worst than a child, Charles ! You drink while you can't, you get into something with Max knowing he's just gonna throw you like a toy once things will turn too serious because he's Max. He's only capable of running way. Will you be able to endure his rejection again ? Last time you couldn’t. Remember me what did you do ? Remember me, Charles ?"

" You can't say that to me."

" Of course I can. As much as I can say you're playing with your life. You're sick, Charles. You aren't even really out of treatment. Carlos had made a mistake asking you to come to a GP already. But I'm stupid, does life matters to someone who had tried to kill himself because the boy he'd been in love with for years rejected him ?"

" Are you agreeing with that, Carlos ?" Only asked Charles.

" I think it wasn’t the right way to say it."

" I'm not asking you if you think it's the right way but if you're agreeing."

" I think you're making the wrong choices because you want your life to be the same as before."

" Leave."  The Monegasque said, " I have nothing to say to people who think of me so harshly."

" Charles, Pierre haven't said it meanly. It-"

" Remembering me I tried to kill myself because I've lost everything I had isn’t mean ? Then you should reread kindness definition. How fun it is coming from people who are still living their dreams, having fun, not feeling pain, don't you think ? Yes, I drank. Yes, I shouldn’t have. But I don't regret it because I haven't felt so alive in years than when I was with Lando or Max."

" Lando shouldn’t have taken you there." The spaniard answered.

" Oh, now we're blaming him ? It's becoming better ! Everyone is blaming him for everything. Leave. Don't come again. Forget about me. I'm supposed to be dead anyway."

" Charles-" Tried Pierre.

" I said leave."

Charles wasn’t going to talk more. When he'd opened the door, Lando was there, about to knock.

" Sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt…?"

" You didn’t. They were leaving. Come in."

The brit waited, looking at the drivers coming out but not looking at Carlos. He then went inside, awkwardly looking at Charles.

" What did you hear ?"

He didn’t even had to tell him. The Monegasque could know it just by his look. Sometimes, Lando was like an open book, easy to read.

" I don't think I've heard everything."

" What did you hear first then ?"

" You making wrong choices."

" Don't feel bad about this night. I was the one wanting to go out. I'm fine."

" Was it before you left ?" Lando asked.

" It was."

" Oh."

" You don't have to say anything about it. If you could keep it for yourself. I…I want to tell Max myself but I can't yet."

" I understand. I'll keep it for me."

" If I cry, you're not gonna freak out, right ?"

" Oh bloody hell."

Charles knew he wasn’t able to hold back his tears anymore, letting it fall on his cheeks. 3 years ago, when he'd learned about his illness and was rejected by Max, his world ended up destroyed. He'd tried to get better but he'd lost Max, Ferrari, his dreams. It was hard. Way too hard for someone who had already collapsed. Death wasn’t bad, it was only a cure, he thought. He'd tried to kill himself but Arthur had found him just in time. Charles had thought it was unfortunate when he'd woken up at the hospital. He'd never felt so disappointed to fail something. And he'd fail a lot before. However, he'd quickly made clear no one should be aware of his illness, not even his family. He wanted to keep it for himself for a while, at least.

He found it pretty heartless from his friend to use it against him this way when he talked about it because he was trusting them. It wasn’t fair.

Lando was softly hugging him, trying to comfort his friend. It was such a sweet gesture and Charles was glad he had it. But he couldn’t think of what they'd told him and be sad about it. It would not change anything anymore anyway. And when Max would come back, he should not see it on his face.

" You know, it was great to party with you. Because you're still treating me like before."

" And it'll not change, I promise. I now understand what you said yesterday. Not being able to save you from yourself."

" I'm in therapy now. I'm better. Don't worry. I worked really hard on myself."

" Was Max one of the reason ? If you don't want to say it, it's okay."

" He was. But I don't want him to learn about it. It's not fair to put blame on him when I was already down for others reasons."

" So…You and Max…?"

" I don't know myself."

" Because you both are really cute. And you're in his room."

" Being cute don't do everything. And mine was way too far for the state I was in earlier."

" Yes but it helps. Are you hungry ?"

" Kinda."

" Let's take advantage of Red Bull and order food in room."

" That's kinda evil." Charles answered wiping a last tears on his red cheek.

" Yes. But who cares ?" Lando chuckled

" I have to go grab something in my room, wait for me here."

" Okay, I'll think of what I'm gonna take."

" I'm sure you already know."

Charles had quickly left, going into his room to get his backpack after taking a glass of water. He'd looked at his medicines, tired of taking them but he'd done it anyway. On his way here, he'd texted Max asking him to call whenever he had the time and it seemed it was now. Charles had answered.

" Hi."

" How are you feeling ?"

" Great. Lando came and he wants us to order food…and take advantage of Red Bull."

" This boy…" Max answered," Do whatever you want. I should be there in an hour or 2."

" He thinks there is something between us."

" Lando would think there is something going on between 2 squirrels fighting."

" …Are we squirrels ?"

" What the fuck, no."

Charles had tried to hold back his laugh but he couldn’t, making Max laugh too.

" Sorry but don't talk about squirrels then !"

" It was an example !"

" You're too creative, Maxie."

" I have to go. See you."

" Bye."

The Monegasque went back in Max's room, ordering food with his friend. They'd watched tv while eating, talking about things that had sometimes no connection. It was great to feel so light, Charles thought. Lando had left after a while, having to talk with Ferrari about what had happened even if he was claiming it had nothing to do with them. Charles was still feeling tired. While waiting for Max, he'd fell asleep again, hoping to take a great rest.

He'd heard the door being opened, waking him up but he stayed under the blankets.

" Hi."

" Sorry, it took longer than I thought."

" It's fine, I slept a lot so I haven't noticed."

" Uh…I…saw my mom."

" Is she okay ?"

" Yes. But…Well it's weird but she asked if you had visited the country."

" I haven't. Beside Zandvoort."

" That's what I answered, from what I knew and she…kinda asked if you wanted to stay a little more with us."

" Oh, I don't want to…annoy any of you by being here."

" My sister also think it's a good idea. I told them you had things to do but they still want me to ask."

" Do you consider this as being discreet ?"

" My mom likes you and she knows we've been friends since you came back. I think it can be great."

Max knew it was risky. Charles staying with him, with his family, in his home country. That seemed suspicious but he'd loved this idea from his mom. Way more than he would've ever admit it.

" In this case, why not. I like this. I can do what I had to later."

" Are you sure ? If you say no, it's totally fine. And I know it seems weir because I said to be discreet and I haven't been really discreet but-"

" Max. I'm sure."

" We can leave tonight or tomorrow. Do you feel great enough ?"

" We can go tonight. Maybe tell me how it's gonna be ?"

" We'll stay at my mum's, she was already planning things to do but I don't know much. But she said we definitely had to do karting."

" Does she wants us to fight because of…"

" An inchident ?" Max smiled, " probably."

" I'm…happy to spend time with you."

" Me too."

" Max…There is something I- That I need to talk about."

The dutchman suddenly felt worried. It sounded important and now, Charles was avoiding his eyes.

" What ?"

Words were stuck and Charles knew he couldn’t say more. Not yet. But he was afraid Carlos or Pierre would talk about it before. Maybe they won't because they were still his friends. He hoped.

" They told me I was depressed."

Charles had quickly chose to say an half truth. It was better than nothing, wasn’t it ?

" Who ?"

" Doctors. I have…a treatment for it. And I'm doing therapy. But sometimes I just feel bad."

" Is it why you told me you weren't drinking anymore ?"

" Yes."

" But why do you feel like that ?"

The Monegasque had smiled, caressing his cheek. It was such a pure and naïve question. He'd forgot this part of him.

" Sometimes it just happens, Max. I feel better now so, don't worry. You just had to know. I can still beat your ass in karting, though."

" How dare you ? I won't let you win because we've started kissing."

" And when we will make out ?"

Charles had asked it with a specific tone, wanting to make Max shy. Of course, he totally wanted to win fairly. His idea had worked better than he'd expected, Max turning red. Teasing was something he loved more than he should and he had to be honest, Max was so easily flustered, it was fun.

" No."

" I'm kidding." He answered, " About letting me win. Not making out, of course."

" You want me to die ?"

" Only due to my cuteness."

" Are you still drunk ?"

" Drunk of you."

" Stooop !"

The Monegasque had burst out laughing before hugging him, squeezing him.

" You're so cute, Max. I love you so much."

Max had only heard the last part of the sentence. It was something he liked to hear. But he couldn’t return those words.

" Do you want to watch something ? I'm free for all this afternoon. I assume you will not go around after your party night."

Charles had let him go, staring at him and not hurt by the fact he didn’t say he loved him too. He'd said it spontaneously and wasn’t expecting it either. He couldn’t be mad when they weren't even officially in love or a couple.

" I'm too old for parties, I feel like it'll take days to recover."

" Talking about recovery, prepare yourself. My mom is gonna feed you as if you hadn’t eaten for years."

" It's not like I have to look at my weight anymore, it's fine. What do you want to watch ?"

" We will see, I don’t know yet."

They had looked for something to watch, the Monegasque snuggling onto Max who wasn’t against it the rest of the day. They'd even ate in the room before packing their stuffs. Ready to leave to Max's mum house, Charles felt great. He was going to spend time with him, almost as if they were a couple. They still haven't even stated what they were.

Charles had taken some pics of the nightlights, posting it on his Instagram to feed people who were losing their mind over last night. He then covered himself with Max's jacket, knowing he was going to fall asleep at some point. He'd looked at the dutchman who was driving silently.

" I can't believe it's happening."

" What ?" Asked Max.

" This. You and I going to spend time with your family, in your home."

" And my mom already likes you."

" As your friend. Not sure it would be the same if she knew we kiss."

" I think…She wouldn’t care."

" Hopefully, I'll know one day." He answered, yawning.

" Sleep. We still have time before getting there."

" I don't need your approbation, I was already gonna sleep, Maxie the little lion."

" Stop with that."

" And you're a liar, you haven't called me pretty sunshine all the day."

" Fuck I thought you'd forgot."

" Never. I'll get it back later, don't worry."

Chapter Text

It hadn't been a long ride. Or Charles didn’t notice since he'd been sleeping most of it. Finally there, in front of Max's mom house, he felt quite shy to be here. Max was leading the way, his mom waiting for them inside and giving them a warm welcome.

" I'm glad you both are here."

" Thank you for welcoming me."

" It's a shame you've only seen Zandvoort. Since Max was staying, it was an opportunity. Have you eaten ?"

" We did before coming." Max answered.

" Perfect. You both must be tired. But there is something I forgot to say, Max."

" What ?"

" Well, it's not that important. Charles will have to sleep in your room but it's not that deep since the couch can be turned into a bed, right ?"

" I suppose it is not… What happened to the guest room ?"

" I'm redoing it."

" Okay… I think we're gonna shower and then sleep."

" Sure, good night. Do whatever you want, Charles. As if it was your home."

" Thank you so much, good night."

Max had told him to follow, going upstairs and opening one of the door before letting him enter. Charles was curiously looking around. It wasn’t personal but after all, it wasn’t supposed to be. He was only coming here to spend time with his family and it wasn’t too often because of how hectic his year could be because of F1.

" So, do you want to sleep with me or on the couch ?"

" It's not that discreet…"

" She never comes in, she'll not even knows."

" Then you know my answer." Charles smiled, " she's very welcoming just like your sister."

" They are. Because they like you. Otherwise it would not be the same."

Max had quickly showed him what he needed to know before they each went to shower and went into their bed. The dutchman had fallen asleep rather quickly, giving time to Charles to stare at him. He was pretty and looked so peaceful. It was so far away from his F1 image. He'd softly caressed his cheek, hoping to not waking him up.

He didn't know how to tell Max about his suicide attempt. Talking about it would lead him to say it was after he'd "rejected" him and he knew Max would take it badly. But wouldn’t it be even worse if Pierre or Carlos were saying it ? Charles was sure Lando would not say anything. Not about this because it was too personal and important. But Max hadn’t been the main reason of his act, just a part of it. Due to his illness, he'd lost his future. His dream with Ferrari had been crushed, he could never come back. Jules' legacy was coming to an end. He would've wanted to get more for him. And this was what made his world collapse. Max had just made it fall quicker. Maybe he would've wanted to get comfort from him, get his love or at least, his affection. When you lost everything, you always want to stick to some hopes. And Max had been his. Only for a short moment.

Thinking about it, he could understand why his friends had been so harsh with him. They were worried about him. Because he went through a lot, his mental health had suffered just as much as his body. They hadn’t seen him at his worse and it was better this way. Sebastian did and he would've certainly scolded him for drinking like he did with Lando. He suddenly felt glad the german wasn’t looking at Instagram or anywhere else because he already had enough.

However, they weren't totally wrong. Max had broke his heart. But even if he would break it a thousand times, it had always been only his. Since he'd been a teenager, it always belonged to Max. He gave it and almost instantly, he knew he could never get it back. Because Max had always been the person he'd loved the most. The one he would've given the stars, the moon, the sun or whatever he would've asked for. Even after trying to stop his feelings, he couldn’t. Staying away from him hadn’t worked either. No, he'd only craved more for him. His heart ached whenever he was seeing or hearing someone that was remembering him of Max. It'd been so hard. There was endless night where he would've have wanted to call him, hear his voice saying his name in a way no one could because it was Max and he was unique. But he never did. Not when he was crying at night, not when Max was texting him certainly drunk, neither to his text during Italians and Monaco Grand Prix. He wanted to. But he just couldn’t. Maybe it wasn’t the right time.

He couldn’t be only just friend with him because his eyes were only a reminder of those meeting at their little cove, watching the starry sky, in a silence they were comfortable in. He couldn’t look in the eyes where he'd imagined a future together knowing he would never get it.

But Charles was a fool. He wanted to believe in this sweet dream Max was giving him. This affection he was ready to give, his kisses, his sweetness. He wasn’t thinking of how much it was gonna hurt once Max would take it back. Because he was going to, one day. He didn’t want to think about it. Not now. He would the day Max would say he couldn’t love him. Yet, nothing had been said and it was great this way. Charles hadn’t really fought more his sleep, just falling for it in Max's arms.

The next day, he'd woken up pretty early, thirsty. He'd tried to get out of Max's embrace, succeeding and leaving quietly. He went downstairs, hearing some noises that he followed, finding the kitchen.

" Good morning, Charles." Max's mom welcomed with a smile, " Have you slept well ?"

" Good morning. Yes it was good."

" Orange juice ?"

" Sound amazing."

She smiled, telling him to sit before giving him a glass of juice.

" Can I help with anything ?"

" Oh no, you're my guest. I'm preparing breakfast, it'll be done soon but maybe you want to wait for Max ?"

" I prefer to wait. I don't want him to eat alone."

" How sweet you are. Are you happy to come back in the paddock ?"

" Yes. I missed it. But I'll be there only for Monza."

" For Ferrari's home. I'm pretty sure you'll attend more than that. But it's never the same when you aren't in the car. Especially after winning a championship."

" Yes. I feel kinda jealous when I see them racing."

" In another world, maybe you could've been Max's teammate for his last year."

" Maybe." He smiled, " But isn’t he going to extend ?"

" He's thinking about it but when he talks, he already state he's going to retire."

" I thought he wanted to beat Lewis' record…"

" Jos wants him to. I'm done, I'll finish when Max is gonna wake up. Let's take advantage of his absence, do you want to see some of his childhood pics ?"

" He's gonna hate that." Chucked Charles, " But I definitely want."

The monegasque's heart was filled with sweetness, happy to be treated so casually and well by Max's mom. He'd followed her to the living room, sitting on the couch and waiting for her. She came back, sitting next to him and opening her album. She showed him the first pics showing a baby Max, Charles feeling his heart melting by seeing such a cute thing.

" He looks so sweet."

Sophie smiled, showing him more and making comments from time to time. Charles was making comments as well, he couldn’t keep his mouth. Now, they were in his karting years and it felt nostalgic to him. The time he'd fell in love with this dutchman he'd found so rude at first.

" Look, you're in the background."

" Oh, yes it's me." He said, surprised.

" There is a few where you're around him. It didn’t chang apparently."

" In our karting days, I think we mostly wanted to kill each other."

" Killing is a little bit extra, isn’t it ?" She giggled, " And Max had always kinda liked you. Even if he wasn’t showing it. He wanted to be your friend but Jos was telling him you were his rival and he couldn’t."

" I’m happy that after we were able to be friends after."

" Max seemed happier when you were around in the paddock. He was almost looking at you with almost shining eyes."

" Oh no, I think it's because he was at home."

" If you say so. There is others p-"

" Mom what are you doing ?" Max asked in Dutch.

" Showing him pics of you." She answered in English.

" What a cute baby you were, Mad Max." Charles giggled.

" Moooom ! Why are you doing this ?"

" Because I wanted to share it with someone !"

" I can't believe it."

Charles laughed, holding back his want to just get up and kiss him. His pouting face was so cute, he loved to see it. Max had taken the album, not harshly but he didn’t want him to see more.

" No more pics mom ! He'd seen enough."

" Don't be so dramatic, my love ! You should've woken up earlier, he didn’t want breakfast before you. Now that you're here, we can go in the kitchen."

She got up, leaving while Max was putting the album back on his place. Charles went closer with a smile.

" Your pics were really cute." He whispered.

" I can't believe she showed you."  

" I liked it." The Monegasque smiled, " maybe we should join her."

Max nodded, looking at the kitchen's door before quickly kissing Charles who smiled even wider. They went in the kitchen, sitting and quickly getting their breakfast.

“So what’s your plan for today, mom ?”

“ Today it’s karting ! Since there is a great weather and it’s outside. Victoria will join us.”

“Mom, does that mean you’re gonna join us too ?”

“ Of course. Don’t look so surprised. But be kind to your sister.”

“ She won’t even reach me during our race, it’s fine.”

She sighed but kept her smile, Charles staying silent. He hadn't even done karting since he'd left the F1 world. But if it was for Max then he supposed it was gonna be fine. After finishing eating and helping a little, they went back upstairs to get But of course, they didn’t get ready too fast and it wasn’t Charles' fault. Max had hugged and kissed him, just he was almost always doing, softly and sweetly. How fun it was to see such a softie from someone like him.

" If you not like anything my mom wants to do or anything, tell me. I'll make her change her mind."

" I'm a guest, I'm pretty sure I'll not mind anyway."

" Being a guest doesn’t take away your opinion. Tell me. Okay ?" He asked stroking the monegasque's hair.

" Yes." He answered, " It's been 3 years since I've done anything related to karting or racing. I don't know if I'll do great."

" Don't worry about that, you'll be great. Talent doesn’t go away like that."

" What if I push you off the track ?"

" There is no puddle."

" I'm almost disappointed."

Max giggled before finally going in the bathroom to get ready, Charles had done the same after. Then they went back to Sophie who was going to drive them there. Max's sister was already there, waiting for them with her husband and kids who directly went to their uncle. Charles was fond of them, how cute they were. He greeted Victoria before she introduced him.

" It's Charles. Max's…friend."

The Monegasque had noticed her smile when she said it, as if she wasn’t believing it. But he didn’t give it much attention, his attention getting caught by the kids who were interested in him. But he had a problem. He wasn’t speaking dutch at all. Max's caring side showed up, translating everything. Charles had no regrets of coming.

Sophie and Victoria weren't fools. They'd already noticed Max's attitude about Charles when they were in Zandvoort. It was new but it seemed lovely. It was funny to see he was trying to not show it too much but couldn’t help himself. They were just observing for now.

Charles' worries about karting had quickly disappeared, giving him nostalgia but happiness. Victoria wasn’t bad as he would've thought because of Max. It had been fun, and of course, he'd to be in a battle with the dutchman. Just like their old time. It felt so far but it wasn’t that much. Surprisingly, Charles had won but he felt happy. This day was making him feel alive and loved. He couldn’t ask for more. They'd done another round with Victoria's husband while she was staying with the kids and this time, Max had won. It felt so casual that Charles would've laughed. How many races did he lose against him anyway ? Way too much for his taste.

While they were fine with another round, Charles had taken a step down, feeling tiredness getting him quicker than he'd thought. He'd said he wasn’t for another one so he was simply gonna stay with Victoria and her children which had been the case. They'd talked more than they already did before and it was definitely a great moment. He found it funny that she wasn’t like her brother, maybe because she stayed more with her mother. Charles didn’t really know. He'd played with the kids even though there was still this barrier language.

Their day had been full, the Monegasque had tried to keep it up as much as he could. He wanted to have fun with them, to enjoy everything. Max's family had been so kind to him, he wasn’t expecting that much.

Once they were back home, it was already late. This time, he shyly asked if it was fine he could just straight go to bed because he felt tired. There weren't any problem, so he only went to shower and went to bed. He'd fell asleep almost instantly, not even hearing Max coming in a few minutes later.

The next day, he'd been woken up by the dutchman who was calling his name, stroking his hair. He wasn't feeling great. He'd done way too much yesterday, more than he should've. But he wanted to live as he used to, be like before. However, it may be time to admit he couldn't.

" It's late already. Are you okay ?"

" I don't know…"

" Tell me what you feel."

" Tired."

" I'll tell my mom we won't go anywhere today."

" No, do whatever you want. I'll be fine. I'm sorry."

" You don't have to be sorry. It happen to not feel well."

" I feel a headache coming."

" I'll ask mom if she has anything for it."

Charles had only nodded, closing his eyes hoping he would feel better soon. Max had left before coming back with water, something to eat and a medicine. The Monegasque had opened his eyes, sitting on the bed.

" She said you can rest without worrying and you shouldn't be sorry. She made you stroopwafel, home made are better than the one you may have ate back then. And here is something for you headache."

" It's not really a good move when you're a guest to stay in bed."

" I told you to not mind about it. She doesn’t either. You should eat your waffle while it's hot."

" Thank you."

He'd taken the place while Max was putting the rest on the nightstand. Charles had tried it and he had to admit that the dutchman was right. It was way better than the ones he had before.

" Really better."

" I told you!" He smiled.

" Shouldn’t I thank her ?"

" When you'll feel better. Do you need anything else ?"

" No. What are you going to do today ?"

" She said she hadn't planned anything yet, she wanted to ask us. Maybe we will go out in the afternoon while you rest."

" Okay."

" Tomorrow, we will see my sister again."

" With the kids ?"

" I don't know. You like them ?"

" I do. I like all of them."

" That's great."

" But…"

" What ?"

" Do you think they know what we are… doing ?"

" How come ?"

" I don't know. Just a feeling…"

Charles wasn’t sure Max had noticed how soft he actually was towards him sometimes. He wasn’t complaining, he'd literally waited for it half of his life. But he hadn't the heart to tell him about it because he didn’t want him to change, be with him as he was with everyone else. He wanted to be special, even if it was only for a while. It may be egoist but he needed it. And he knew that Max could be easily frightened when It came to that.

" Did you…After you broke up with Kelly, have you been with someone else ?"

" Why are you asking that ?"

" I- Sorry."

He'd put the plate on the nightstand, taking his pill with his glass of water. It wasn’t his business after all.

" I haven't. Did you when you were away ?"

" I didn’t."

The Monegasque had laid in bed, looking at Max. The dutchman lips were burning to ask a question he wasn’t sure to like the answer. But he'd been thinking about it lately.

" You were pretty close to Carlos." He started.

He was sure something had happened, that Lando knew but didn’t want to talk about it. After all, everything went down after Charles' comeback and just a lie about not knowing where he was wouldn’t lead to an engagement's break.

" I was."

" I want to know the truth. Did something happen between you two ?"

Charles didn’t answer right away. Here they were. It wasn’t such a big deal. He was hiding so much from Max that it was easy to let this fact be said.

" Yes. For a while. Ended during 2023 and never happened again."

Max's jealousy went high. Higher than he wanted. Knowing Charles had kissed Carlos was too much. He hated that. He wanted to be the only one. He wanted Charles to be his. His own thoughts were surprising and scaring him.

" Was it…a relationship ? Love ?"

" No. It'd never been the case. He wanted Lando but thought he couldn’t. I wanted you but you didn’t."

" Such a fool I was to not see it."

" Such a fool I was to want you." Charles answered, " even if you'd seen it, what would you have done ? Nothing."

The Monegasque didn’t want his tone to sound so bitter but it did. Max stayed silent, getting up before going to lay next to him, hugging Charles.

" I never wanted you to be so hurt." Max whispered.

" But it happened. What is done cannot be undone anyway. Let's forget it."

" Come with me in Belgium." He suddenly said.

" Spa ? You want me to get into Red Bull with you ?"

" Why not ?"

" Do you want Tifosi to sacrifice me in Monza ?"

" They won't, you're still their pride, their last champion."

" Isn't it suspicious ?"

" It isn’t. We are friends for them."

"I'll come." Charles answered after thinking.

Max looked satisfied, hugging him tighter. He was confusing. Charles never know what to expect from him. Everything could end in a heartbeat. But Max was like an addiction, a drug he was into. The one that get you high before going down without a warning. Getting you at your lowest.

At some point, drug could be seen as a need by an addict. And Max was his.

Just as much as Charles was home for Max.

Chapter Text

During their travel back to Monaco, Lando had noticed Carlos wanted to talk. He'd eventually let him, curious about what he had to say once they were back at Lando's place which used to be their.

" I'm sorry."

" I know, you've already said it before." The brit answered.

" I know you're disappointed in me for my lie but Charles didn’t want anyone to know."

" I understand that now, I suppose it was only an excuse for me."

" What do you mean ?"

" You lied about Isa, I chose to get over it. You lied about Charles, I understand why because I would've certainly done the same for Max. But you knew that Max was pained by not knowing it and that's why I was mad. And then, I learn you had something with Charles before he left."

" Cariño, we'd stopped it before I was involved in anything with you."

" You can understand why I still have some doubts. I gave you all my trust and I almost feel like a fool. And you can't blame me for drinking with Charles, don't you think everyone is blaming me enough ? You haven't told me anything, now I only know he tried to kill himself but I'm sure there is more behind it. You blame me but you know I don't drink. Have you even asked yourself why I did ?"

" I haven't blamed you, I'm sorry if you thought like that. What I wanted to say was that you shouldn’t have done it but it'd never been against you." Carlos answered before continuing softly, " Why have you done it ?"

" I'm depressed. You think I'm getting better but I don't. I stopped my therapy because it just went nowhere with this therapist. Carlos, why can't you understand how deep it can hurt me to receive so much hate ? You're like Max, you don't care about what everyone is saying but it's not my case. But I can't do shit without being bullied or anything else ! Even breathing seems to be too much. My sleeping pills doesn’t even work anymore. I- I-" Lando said not able to held back a sob, " I feel like I'm falling apart."

Carlos haven't said a thing at first, getting closer and hugging him tightly. Lando was holding back his tears but at the same time, felt comfort from this embrace.

" I'm sorry. I should've seen it, I love you so much and I've let you down. You're the person I love the most in this world. I'll try to understand you more than I've done before. I'm sorry that I've been a bad boyfriend for you while you'd always been the best for me."

The brit wasn’t able to answer, tears starting to fall on his sweet cheeks. His heart was so heavy, he felt like it was gonna stop at any time. Carlos have let him down, it was true. But he couldn’t blame him much. He'd done his best to hide it, only showing what he wanted and not how deep it was. Usually, he was easily sharing his thoughts and feelings. But this was different. Way too different and hurtful.

" Can you…Can you stay for the night ?"

" Yes. Even if you can't sleep, I'll stay up for you and we can talk about everything you want. I promise I'll carefully listen."

" Why do they hate me ?"

" Because the world is mean, Cariño. You aren't the problem, they are."

“ I knew it was going to be hard and painful to be so exposed to the world. But I never thought it was gonna be this hard.”

“ I wish I could protect you from it. I tried but you can’t help yourself to look at what they say.”

“ I stopped looking for most of it. But then, they’re threatening me on every social, sending me message saying hurtful things. They even said I should just kill myself. I want to stay close to people who likes me but nowadays, I only see the bad things.”

“ Have you ever thought of it like Charles ?”

But Lando chose to not answer. Instead, he just took a step back, wiping his wet cheeks before smiling.

“ Maybe we should eat. Let’s order something. I would love to have a movie night with you.”

" Movie night like we used to do ?"

" Yes. Wasn’t it an happy time ?"

" It was. I would love that."

The brit nodded before going on, looking for what they could order. He'd finally found it, knowing Carlos would like it. Their movie night had been great but the Spaniard had been thinking deeply. He should've done it before, he realized. When it was time to go to bed, he was still thinking, not talking a lot but Lando wasn’t neither, surprisingly. Once in the bed, Carlos back hugged him, tighter than he used to.

" You changed. Not maturing with years passing by but between you and I, you've always been the brightest. Now, I feel like it's not the case anymore."

" Maybe I've lost it."

" Weren't you happy with me ?"

" I was. I'll be better. I need time."

" Would it be different if I'd seen it before ?"

" We can't know. Don't be hard on yourself, I didn’t want you to see it."

Carlos had let go of him, grabbing his shoulder to make him lay his back on the mattress. He wanted to look at him when he was going to talk. Lando haven't said a thing, staring at him with eyes that used to be so full of stars before. Now, a lot were missing. It hurts. He felt guilty.

" I love you." Carlos said, " I want to give you back your brightness. The stars in your eyes."

" You should be more worried about Charles."

" No. Charles may be my friend but you Cariño, you're my love. My star. Everything. So, tell me. Tell me what you want me to do to get better."

" I may only need you and some Spanish sunsets." Lando answered after few seconds.

" Do you want to go home ? My family would be delighted to see you."

" Aren't they mad that I broke our engagement ?"

" Well… They asked me what I did for you to come to this. Trust me, they'd never been mad against you."

" That…would be great. Maybe we can go to my family after."

" I just hope Uno isn't gonna think of me as a toy again."

Carlos smiled when he'd heard Lando's sweet laugh, filling his heart with even more love. He'd kissed his cheek before hugging him.

" Do you really mean it ?" The brit asked.

" Uno ?"

" Me being your love."

" Yes. If I wasn’t, I would've never asked you to marry me. I want us to share a life together."

" I want it too. But what if I'm not enough ?"

" You're more than enough for me. I wish you could see yourself as I do."

" As your dramatic teammate ?"

" As my wonderful and handsome fiancé."

" We aren't anymore, remember."

" I never said I was okay with it."

Lando chose to not answer, smiling and snuggling against Carlos who'd put his arms around him. He felt safe, loved and cared for.

" Te amo, Carlos." The brit had said.

Charles had rested the whole day, Max and Sophie taking care of him with absolute sweetness. The Monegasque had almost felt ashamed of being so weak. The next day, despite still not feeling at his best, he chose to not say anything. They'd seen Victoria and her family again, which was great. The day had been calmer than the first one, allowing him to rest between activities. It was refreshing to be with people who didn’t know he was sick, that something was wrong with him. And being with Max had been what he'd wanted for so long, he only could be happy. Especially when Max was being so caring and gentle towards him. He'd always wanted it but he'd never thought it would happen because the dutchman had never showed an interest into any men. While taking a shower, Charles realized he was wrong and remember he'd even been jealous for a while. Getting to bed with Max who was already smiling, he asked something.

" I know liking a man isn’t something you'd thought of. But is there a man you felt weird with, like confused feelings ?"

The dutchman seemed to be surprised of his question. He knew confused feelings but only for Charles.

" You partially described what I felt with you."

" Not including me." Charles giggled.

Max really considered his question, thinking of the people he'd met. Someone suddenly came in his mind but he didn’t want to say it. He'd forgotten about it because it almost seemed normal after all this time.

" No." He answered, " Why ? Are you becoming jealous of someone ?"

" No, I don't."

" Liar."

" Just as much as you." Charles smiled, " I've been jealous before."

" Jealous of ?"

" Daniel. And not only when he was your teammate."

" Oh."

" Because, I mean, I could've easily fall for him if you hadn't my heart. You were close to him and you looked so happy, having fun. Even when he'd left Red Bull, you stayed close."

" We just got along. Not really on the track but outside, we'd always been great mates. When he'd left the grid and even now, we are still seeing each other."

" I'm glad you've such great friends. But I hope I'm your favorite." Charles had said while hiding his face in Max's neck.

" You're in my bed."

" Lando had been too."

A sweet kiss on his neck.

" It's not the same."

" Oh, isn’t it ?"

Max shivered, feeling his warm breath on his skin.

" N-No."

" I hope so, Maxie. But I know I'm a pretty sunshine."

" I want you to forget it."

" Never. I love it too much, even if you don't want to call me like that. That's a shame if you ask me. But you want to keep you lion status. And I've never been jealous of Lando."

" You don't have to. I'm… happy to be here with you."

" You're so sweet when I don't feel well."

Max chose silence, he was just worried and couldn’t help it. Was he really becoming that sweet ? Must've been kind of obvious to his family then. But they haven't said a thing. So maybe he wasn’t. Asking would be too obvious so it was better to stay oblivious.

" We will stay for two more days. Then we come back to Monaco."

Charles rose up his head to look at him, amused by his not so subtle change of subject.

" And then, what's gonna happen there ?"

" I don't understand."

" Are you gonna push me away or keeping me close ?"

" Do you like cats ?" Max suddenly asked.

" I do."

" Sassy is…a sassy cat."

" I think I can handle Sassy and Jimmy." The Monegasque laughed.

Charles found it funny but cute at the same time that his sudden concern was the fact he may not get along with his cats.

" Knowing that, there is no need to be away from each other. We can just continue as we're doing. If you're still okay with it."

" Amazing. Good night Maxie the little lion." He said with a little kiss. 

The Monegasque snuggled onto him, covering himself a little more with the blanket, feeling his eyes already closing. Max's hand was gently stroking his back. The only thing that would make this moment better would be being healthier. There was no need to think about it yet, thought.

Charles had loved the time he'd shared with Max and his family. They'd been welcoming and kind, treating him as he was a part of the family. He'd never expected so much but he was grateful. Charles got memories he was going to cherish, no matter what was going to happen. When the time to leave came, he felt sad. He would've wanted to stay more, to share even more moment with them. He'd got a hug from them, a warm and meaningful one.

" Come back again." Victoria said.

" We will gladly welcome you." Sophie added.

" Thank you for everything. It meant a lot for me. I'll come back if Max allows me."

" For us too. And he doesn’t have to allow you. Just come if you're ever around Netherlands." Max's mom answered with a smile.

Charles nodded, smiling back. He was wondering how she'd ever been with Max's dad. They seemed so different. He'd never liked Jos, even less with Max who seemed to not understand what had been done wasn’t right. He'd hated how Max was joking about being left at a gas station only because he lose. There must be so much more, abuse wasn’t love even if it may feel like that for him. But Max was starving of it, from his mom, from his dad, his sister or him. Was the dutchman liking the feeling of being loved or really liking him ?

They went back to Monaco with Max's private jet, Charles joking about how famous and rich he was. Max rolled up his eyes, taking his hand with a smile. If the dutchman wanted him to stay, Charles had to go since his family was waiting for him. They already weren't that happy that he was travelling, wanting him to stay around after being away for so long.  Max wanted Charles to stay around so he could have an eye on him and being sure he wasn’t leaving.

The Monegasque reassured him saying Monaco was small, he would never be too far, almost being like he was next door. They went on their own way after a kiss, Max already feeling a hole in his heart.

He went back home, seeing Jimmy and Sassy again who didn’t seem to care at first. After unpacking, the dutchman laid on his bed looking at the ceiling. He'd suddenly heard his phone ringing, seeing it was his dad. He'd answered after avoiding his calls since Zandvoort, using the fact he was with his mom and busy with them. Jos wasn’t happy and Max haven't said a thing. Then, Charles was suddenly brought up. Their hug while he was at Ferrari sounded to have really irritated his dad, it wasn’t that deep. It wasn’t like they'd kissed each other or anything.

" Sorry."

" Max. I don't like him being around you."

" He isn’t much but we're friend."

" This boy doesn’t want to be only your friend."

The dutchman's breath became harder, what was that ? Where was it coming from ? His dad had never liked Charles but he'd only thought it was because they were rivals. Maybe it was something else after all.

" He..He does. What do you mean ?"

" He's a fucking faggot."

" Dad, you- You can't say that about someone, not with those words."

" I'm just stating a fact. Make better choice in your friends."

" I assure you he isn’t. He'd had girlfriends and is rumored to have one actually. Why do you think like that ?"

Max's heart was racing. Beating faster than it was supposed to. His dad just casually insulted Charles. He was mad about it but words weren't coming out if his mouth as he wanted to. No, he was always holding back when it came to his dad. Getting older haven't changed it. But he was still feeling like this little boy Jos had abandoned at a gas station one day.

" I've seen it when you both were in karting. Why do you think I kept you away from him ? What if he leaded you in such a disgusting behavior ?"

Disgusting. It was echoing in his mind.

" You can't see it. You can't judge someone like that. Neither keeping me away from my friends. I'm sorry dad."

" We will talk next time."

" Hopefully, it'll not be necessary. Bye."

After hanging up, he'd to sit, breathing becoming even harder. Sassy had jumped on the bed, coming to snuggle against him. He was afraid. If his dad knew what he was doing, what they were doing, he would kill him. Max had to be more careful, not let his dad and Charles meet. This call had just made him anxious and afraid. His dad already disliked Lando, thinking he was acting weirdly around Carlos and suspecting him to be a " faggot" as he liked to say. Max hated this word. But he didn’t really defend his friend back then, only saying he wasn’t. Was it that bad to like men while you were also one ? He was conflicted.

During his thoughts, his phone had rang once again and thinking it may be his dad again almost made him choke. But it wasn’t. He'd answered after calming down in a short moment.

" Hi Daniel."

" Maxiie ! What's up ?"

" Just came back from the Netherlands. Are you in Australia with your kangaroo friends ?"

" Nope, still in Monaco looking for a buddy to eat with me."

" Eating now ?"

" It's midday Max, are you in another world ?"

" Oh fuck, I haven't noticed. I'm free if you want to share with me."

" That's exactly why I was calling you."

" Give me only a minute to take the elevator."

" Great to live in the same building right ? Let's eat outside, though."

" Fine for me. See you."

Max got up, leaving his bedroom. Maybe seeing Daniel would make him feel better. He was a sunshine just as much as Charles after all. But he only wanted the Monegasque, more precisely, his heart wanted him. He'd quickly went to Daniel's, entering as he always did. And just as always, Daniel welcomed him with a bright smile.

But this time, it seemed different. Usually when seeing him, Max's heart was fluttering. It had never been as strong as when he was with Charles but it was there and denying it would lead nowhere. Now, it almost disappeared. Daniel was still a sunshine but in a different way, his mind was full of confused thoughts and questions. How could he not understand himself ? That sounded so stupid from his point of view.

" Is something bothering you ?" The aussie asked.

" I just… A lot is going on in my mind lately."

" I can believe it. You hugged Charles Leclerc."

" You've seen it."

" Everyone have seen it." Daniel smiled.

" Yeah. I don't know why I did it."

" It's okay, It's not that deep."

" For my dad it is."

" Fuck your dad, you know my opinion on it."

" Of course I do. Anyway, are you ready ?"

" For you ? Always."

Max had smiled. He liked Daniel. He'd always liked him. Well, not after Baku but only for a few day. Otherwise, he'd always been one of the people he'd liked the most. He wanted to think his friend was feeling the same. When Max had met Daniel for the first time, he instantly felt that he was going to be a good person around him. Sometimes, he'd said bad things he'd regretted but he was only human and he'd always apologized when it was his fault. He'd never wanted to be in bad term with him. Only the thought of it made him sad.

When he was younger, he'd found comfort and affection in him, he couldn’t deny it. The Aussie had given him sweetness, this feeling of being cared for. He'd helped him when he came into F1, showed him things his dad didn’t. Making him understand you could be friend with your rival. Max had only wanted to be the best version of himself around him. It hasn't always been a great success but he tried.

Now, he only wanted to be the best version of himself for Charles but it was hard and with a lot of problems, he didn’t know what he should do with his dad. With the Monegasque giving him all he'd wanted, unconditional love. He realized love was the scariest thing he'd ever experienced. Racing wasn’t even close.

His mind stopped. Love ? He wasn’t in love with Charles Leclerc. He only liked him. Yes, that was the right word, he only liked him.

Then why was his heart filled with him, screaming and craving for him ?

And again, he chose to be oblivious.

Chapter Text

For the first time, Max haven't found in Daniel what he was begging for. Not entirely. The time they'd spent together has been great and he enjoyed it. But he would've needed more. So much more.

It had been even worse when he'd been alone at home. He wasn’t really, Jimmy and Sassy were there. It wasn't enough. His dad's words were echoing in his mind, again and again. He felt ashamed to like what his dad would find disgusting : kissing and being with Charles. But why ? Why was it ?

What he was the most ashamed inside wasn’t even that but his inability to stand up for his friends, letting Jos insulting them with words he shouldn’t use. No one should. He should say something else, defend them but it was hard when it came to his dad. He didn’t dare to say anything. He'd never said anything. He was almost thirty, why was he still feeling like this little boy who was never enough ? This feeling should be gone. But it wasn’t, still oppressing him.

He'd taken his phone, about to call Charles. However, he haven't, staring at his contact. He wanted to. He chose not to. However, he went to Instagram to look at Charles' media like a teenager he wasn’t anymore. He'd watched his last story, which was his mom's garden full of flowers, a blue heart at the pic's center and a song.

" When you're looking at me, I've never felt so alive and free
When you're looking at me, I've never felt so happy

And I've heard of a love that comes once in a lifetime
And I'm pretty sure that you are that love of mine"

It was such a cute message only him could understand and recognize. Once again, it was showing him how lovely, cute, kind and every positive word Charles was. He haven't thought when he'd pressed the like button. He'd bitten his lips. He didn’t want to react but he wanted to at the same time. What if Charles was waiting for a bigger reaction from him ? Should he answer more ? But what if his dad knew ? But how ? He was using this private Instagram Lando made once for him since he wasn’t actually running his public social medias most of the time. He'd suddenly just followed his idea, sending a red heart. Blue and Red. Red bull and Ferrari. Max and Charles.

He was aware Charles had a private Instagram too because the fans themselves had found it. He knew what it was, that some of the drivers were on it just as much as Charles' family. He'd looked for it before finally daring to press to follow before quitting the app.

He then checked his messages, seeing in his groupchat with his mom and sister pics of his trip there. Most of them were also including the Monegasque who was mesmerizing as always. He'd loved it. Spending time with him, it had been sweet and lovely, if you were forgetting the fact Charles didn’t feel well for a day. Seeing how easily he'd been integrated in his family was melting his heart especially when he'd tried so hard to understand his nephews. He'd noticed Victoria had appreciated it a lot before she came to him, telling him how Charles seemed to be a genuine great person. Max had agreed, answering he was indeed one of the kindest person he'd ever met. The dutchman haven't noticed he'd been around the Monegasque that much and almost always staring at him. He'd saved all of it before putting his phone away. He wasn’t going to call him.

And he didn’t. Charles haven't texted either.

The next day, Max haven't done much, only his work out and playing with Jimmy and Sassy. At some point, Lando texted asking if he wanted to play on stream with him. His mood wasn’t the best but maybe it could help. After considering it he'd accepted, mostly to please his friend. Max joined while the brit was already losing himself in his talk. They played together, having fun but Charles was always, even if it was small, somewhere in his mind. The thing was, his dad was somewhere in his mind too. After Max had left Lando continue his streaming alone, he ended his own after talking only a little more.

The dutchman haven't talked to Charles for another day. It was making his heart heavier, the hole in it wider. He was sinking in loneliness. Since Zandvoort, he'd spent all his night with Charles, then his days. He loved it. Without admitting it, he was disappointed the Monegasque haven't tried to reach him either. This was the exact reason why he'd called the next day, early in the morning with worry when he thought he wanted to avoid Charles. More likely, what his dad would've wanted him to do.

" Why are you always waking me up Maxie ?" He asked with a sleepy voice.

" Sorry…"

" That's fine, tell me what's happening."

" Nothing. We…Uh…haven't talked since we came back.'

" I had things to do and it's only 2 days. You replied to my story, asked to follow my private account, I accepted. we've interacted. Even if you didn’t even allow me to follow your own priv."

" I haven't seen it." Max answered, " Charles ?"

" That's my name."

" Can I- Can I come ? "

" Of course Maxie. Whenever you want."

" Now ?"

" Okay."

" I'm ready so I'll be there quickly."

" Was it planned ?" Giggled the Monegasque.

" It wasn’t !"

" I'm kidding. See you."

Max had ended their call, getting up from his couch, checking that Jimmy and Sassy had everything they needed. He left after, driving to Charles with a sort of guiltiness because of his dad.

It ended when he'd seen Charles' mesmerizing face. He'd smiled feeling this hole in his heart disappearing, becoming warmer and softer. After entering, the Monegasque had asked if they could just go back in bed for an hour. Max didn’t care, his only want was to be with Charles. He ended up in the Monegasque's bed, snuggling onto him and hugging him tightly. He'd missed the lovely warm of his presence.

Charles had fallen asleep rather quickly, the dutchman could hear his calm and regular breath, his chest going up and down. He'd patiently waited, loving every minutes, seconds he was spending against him. He realized Charles didn’t try to kiss him but neither did he. When Charles had finally woken up, Max had stared at him, his hand making his way to the Monegasque's neck first almost caressing it, feeling him shivering under his touch and ending on his cheek.

" How sweet you are today, Verstappen."

" Shut up, Leclerc."

" Says the boy who's in my bed with his hand on my cheek ?"

' I now understand why you're getting along with Lando."

" I've always been like that." He smiled, " tell me what's bothering you."

" Nothing…"

" You haven't talked to me then suddenly you call me to see me early in the day. I know you, Maxie. So, tell me."

" I'm just overthinking, I suppose."

" Now you understand how Lando feels."

" And I hate it."

" Overthinking what ?"

" Me. You. Us."

" That's a lot of things."

" Too much."

" Maybe you can elaborate more."

" Is what we're doing disgusting ?"

" Those aren't your words." Charles had quickly answered, " so tell me clearly what your dad said."

Max was surprised. He'd never realized his dad's words were so specific that Charles could recognize it so easily.

" He-"

" Don't say it's not him. I can recognize his words."

" He was mad because I hugged you."

Charles sighed, not surprised while Max continued.

" He doesn’t want you to be around me because you don't want to be only my friend."

" Well, he isn’t wrong about the second part."

" Aren't you surprised he's suspicious ?"

" He has been suspicious of me for years. I know it but I don't care, what's his proof ? Nothing." Charles answered, " So now, let me tell you that what's happening isn’t disgusting. Don't let your dad getting so easily into your head."

Max had carefully listened but haven't answered, his hand leaving the Monegasque's cheek, laying on his back and looking at the ceiling.

" Max, I promise you nothing we've done is disgusting."

" Do you think I'm a bad friend if I didn’t defend Lando when my dad insulted him ?"

" Sometimes, we just doesn’t have the strength to defend even our closest friend when we aren't even able to do it for ourselves. You aren't bad. It's okay."

Charles had left a kiss on his cheek.

" What are we ?" Max asked staring at him.

" Whatever you want us to be."

" I'm not sure of anything when it comes to you."

" It's okay, I can keep a clear mind for both of us."

" Let's hope it'll be enough. Do you have any plan for today ?"

" I…Kinda want to stay inside. It's not really great outside anyway."

" Not a great day to hang out, yeah." The dutchman said, " I liked the song of your story."

" I'm glad you did. It just described well what I felt for you."

" You're happy when you see me ?"

" Of course I am. Aren't you ?"

" I am."

" Perfect then." Charles smiled, " have you eaten ?"

" No."

" I'll make breakfast for us."

" No ! No…Let me- Let me do something for you."

" Stroopwafels ?"

" That's what you want ?"

" I've been used to it."

" I'll do it."

" I'll take a shower, do what you want as if it was your home."

Max had nodded but have gotten a new hug first. He'd stared at him after he'd gotten up, looking for his clothes.

" Red." Max couldn’t help but say.

" Red ?"

" Wear something red."

Charles looked amused, smiling as he was looking at the dutchman whose cheeks were already pink.

" Why ?"

" Because I…."

" You ?"

" I just think it's your color…"

" So you like it."

" …Yeah." He finally admitted.

" Red it'll be then."

The Monegasque had taken something red before leaving for the bathroom, Max realized he didn’t have any clue of how to do Stroopwafels. Fuck. He went to the kitchen, calling his mom who answered quickly.

" Oh fuck mom how do you make stroopwafels ?"

" Hello, sweetheart, I'm good. What about you ?"

" Sorry."

" Maybe you should check if you have everything first."

" Oh yeah that's better. Tell me what's needed, I'll check."

" You're making some for yourself ?"

" ….Yes ?"

" Uhmmm….And for Charles, I suppose."

" Maybe."

Max had finally videocalled her, listening carefully like a good student checking if Charles had what he needed opening lots of cupboard. She then explained precisely how to do it but he was struggling. He wasn’t made for this but racing. He didn’t give up, wanting to please the Monegasque. After doing the hardest part, he noticed he didn’t had the most important thing. A stroopwafels maker. He wasn’t going to give up anyway, improvising and finding a simple waffle maker. It could make the job and he was already too far.

" I think I'll give you some cooking lesson next time."

" May be needed. Thank you mom. And sorry for bothering you."

" It's never the case. I hope you both will enjoy it and not end with food poisoning."

" Mom, I can't be that bad !"

" We will see."

" See you. I'll give you updates."

" Bye !"

He hang up, focusing on his task that wasn’t finished yet. He didn’t notice when Charles came back, not entering the room but staring at him. Max being that focused and serious about it made the thing even funnier than it already was for the Monegasque. Way cuter too. After a short moment, Max had finally noticed him, wearing this red that he liked more than he wanted to say.

" I've never expected you to be so serious about waffles." Charles said.

" I'm serious about everything I want to be great in."

" Interesting."

" Sit down, it's ready. Will never be as good as my mom's though."

" It's okay, you did your best and I appreciate it a lot."

Charles chose to be reassuring. They'd both sat, trying what Max had cooked and it wasn’t that bad. Not as good as Sophie's but it was decent. He was already happy that Max had tried only for him. He knew he'd never done it before since his mom had told him during their trip.

" I think it'll be better if we put a word on what we are." Suddenly said the dutchman.

" Well, I think we're humans. Not sure, though."

" You're quite funny today."

" Come ooooon, I've always been funny. But I'm listening. Tell me what we are."

" Why am I the one who have to say it ?"

" Because you're the one who's indecisive. If it was me, we would already be married."

" You're being extra."

" More than a decade liking you, there is no way I wouldn’t be extra." Charles answered, " I'm messing with you, Maxie. I told you, we can be whatever you want, I don't mind. Being around you is actually enough."

" I don't know what word to use for us."

" It's like that sometimes. Is it bothering you ?"

" Yes."

" We can be two people who like each other. It can be enough for a time."

" I imagine it can."

" I'm not an F1 driver anymore, I can totally be like fans who imagine you as their husband."

" You're weird."

" Just like you, Mad Max." He smiled.

" I've heard Pierre was in Monaco."

" Good for him."

" Aren't you going to meet ?"

" No."

" Why ?"

" We had an argument."

" But in Zandvoort…."

" Happened there. There is no need to talk about it." The Monegasque had said, " I think we're going to be pretty bored here."

" There is always things to do."

In fact, it was a lie since they couldn’t do much but did it really matter at the end ? They'd spend the morning together, watching a show Max wasn’t even sure to understand. Charles had fell asleep against him, which was almost usual now. He noticed that it happened a lot, the Monegasque easily looking tired. He didn’t know if he should be worried or not. But Charles was an adult and didn’t seem to be bothered by it.

In the afternoon, Max had mentioned he'd never seen or heard him playing piano. Charles chuckled, it was a smooth way to ask him to play. He'd teased him a little, knowing how easily the dutchman was flustered. It worked even better than he'd thought.

Max had stared at him sitting in front of his piano, waiting for it. He'd never been really good at things like that. Never good at all. His dad wasn’t allowing him much beside racing, it has been his life. His whole life and interest. It was way too artistic for him anyway. Just as he'd thought, Charles was even more perfect. It was relaxing almost healing. A melody that could heal a heart that had been broken, wounded, emptied, , manipulated, destroyed. Something that could fix and heal. Was it only this melody or the one who was playing it ? He'd listened carefully till it ended.

" That was true. You're really great at it."

" I also learned guitar. A piano was harder to bring at races. It's not a problem anymore, though."

" Both suits you."

" So you liked it ? I think it's relaxing."

" It is. I loved it."  

" I'm glad you did."

" Do you-"

Max couldn’t finish, his phone ringing and noticing it was Daniel. He'd quickly answered, Charles' curious gaze on him.

" Hi Dan."

" Hi Maxie. Are you busy ?"

" I'm not. Is something wrong ?"

" Something really funny happened. I ended in the ER. Is there any chance you can pick me up ?"

" Oh fuck, yes. Are you okay ?"

" I try to be."

" I'm coming."

" Thank you."

" No worries."

Max ended his call, getting up while Charles stared at him.

" What's happening ?"

" I have to pick Daniel up from the hospital."

" Why is he calling you ?"

" How am I supposed to know ? Listen, we will see each other later."

Charles was dying of jealousy. Max's voice tone had sounded so worried, showing how much he was caring. He'd always been deadly jealous of Daniel. Max's eyes were shining when he was looking at him, his laugh was a little different maybe more honest. Now, Daniel was calling Max when he could've called anyone else ? He knew he shouldn’t feel like that but he couldn’t help it.

" No. Lorenzo want me to follow him on a trip tomorrow. He haven't said for how long."

" Then later Charles, I have a whole summer break."

" Fine."

He'd watched Max leaving, concerned without even getting a last kiss. For the first time, he'd cursed Daniel Ricciardo more than he should have done. He was just wondering now how long Max was going to stay silent from now on. However, the dutchman was a weak man. Despite the late hour, the driver had taken the time to send him a text.

Max ( 10 : 55 pm )

Sorry, I left quickly earlier. You may be sleeping now but be careful and take care of you during your trip. Give me some updates, I'll be happy to see how it's going. See you

Oh and you're coming to Spa with me. Be free

Chapter Text

Max and Charles didn't talk much, both being busy but trying to send at least a few messages during the day. It was also some pictures of anything they could be doing or that was funny. Lando seemed to get better by the pics he was posting on his private, showing he was enjoying his vacation in Spain with Piñon and Sainz's. Even if he was still a little upset, he was glad his little friend was able to find comfort in Carlos. Hopefully, he won't get him crying on his couch for a few days after coming back to Monaco. He'd accepted Charles on his own private Instagram even if he wasn’t showing much. The Monegasque was showing more but still there was a blank of almost 3 years. Going to his public, he'd noticed his mom and sister were now following Charles and liking his posts.

He'd stared at his phone. His dad was going to notice it for sure and won't like it. He was already mad and didn’t know Max had taken him to his family. He'd introduced him as a friend and Lando already came too once. It hadn't been the same though. And his dad didn’t know about it either. Fuck. It was making him anxious while it shouldn’t since he haven't done anything wrong. He sighed, he shouldn’t think of it right now, it didn’t matter. Maybe Jos wouldn’t even notice it. He was being way too dramatic, thanks to Lando for sure. His dad had other things to do. He hoped.

Charles had seemed to be annoyed by the fact he was with Daniel and had to leave to pick him up from the hospital. It may be jealousy but he shouldn’t be. For him, they were two absolute different people and yet, pretty similar in his mind. At the end, he was still confused in everything he had in life outside racing. That was amazing.

He'd noticed that beside Lando and Charles, he didn’t had much friends to hang out with or do fun things in Monaco. Right now, he only had Daniel who couldn’t do much for another couple of days. It wasn’t that bad, they were bored together. Heidi was away, having to work in Australia so it was only them. Max would've wanted to laugh at himself, remembering how much his younger self liked those moments when it was only them. They'd casually talked about some memories, Daniel's time as a reserve driver. Despite his come back at Red Bull, he wasn’t always there and it was just like losing him. It'd been way less brutal than Charles though, the aussie still coming at some races while the Monegasque just disappeared. Checo had almost been their third wheel whenever Daniel was at the track, Max was ecstatic whenever he was around. But Daniel's sunshine aura used to warm up his cold life and it felt so great.

Time with him flew quicker than he'd thought even if Charles was always somewhere in his mind, a need to talk to him, to know what he was doing, if he was fine. He'd got his chance once back home, the Monegasque facetiming him and Max almost chocking on his red bull, answering in a second. Charles had chuckled. He was delighted to see he looked fine and happy. He'd been staring at him, listening to what he was saying, answering when it was needed.

" Are you happy ?" Suddenly asked the dutchman.

" Happy ? Yes."

" Good then."

" Why are you asking ?"

" I just wanted to be sure."

Since Charles had said he was depressed, he'd always some worries about it. More than before, at least. Charles had seemed so confused but now was fond.

" I'm totally fine. You know, some people have recognized me, it's almost weird. I mean I've been out of F1 for so long."

" You're Charles Leclerc. Of course some people will still know who you are."

" Damn." He smiled, " What did you do today ?"

" I stayed with Dan."

" Oh."

" Are you jealous ?"

" Yes."

Well. He couldn’t get a more honest answer.

" I don't understand why…"

" You're so excited whenever he's around."

" He's like…Well, he feels warm."

" Warm ?"

" A little like you."

" I can't blame you. He used to be the paddock's sunshine."

" But you're really different."

" Am I ?"

"Yes."

" I hope so. Are you gonna be with Daniel tomorrow too ?"

" No, I'm leaving tomorrow for my vacation with Lando. When are you coming back ?"

" Lorenzo told me in 2 days."

" So, we're gonna miss each other only by a day."

" Isn't that a shame ?"

" Sound like it is."

" I miss you." Charles said.

Max just stared at his phone, not answering but the Monegasque continued.

" And I may be free to come to Spa. There is something I still have to manage. May not be there on Thursday."

" It's fine, don't worry. I talked with Christian, you're welcomed in Red Bull."

" If I once imagined I would be Max verstappen's special guest at Red Bull."

" Unbelievable, isn’t it ?" He giggled.

" Are you gonna kill Carlos during vacation ?"

" We will see. But we're adults and I understand some things he did. I shouldn’t stay mad. It may be great. I'll tell you."

" Okay, sound great." Charles smiled before yawning.

" Are you tired ?"

" A little."

" You're easily tired. Is your life that boring ?"

" It is without F1."

" I still think you can make your way back in the paddock."

" I don't think I can handle fan's expectations anymore. They're demanding, sometimes they're over boundaries. I'm already having to deal with my own thought and myself. Some of their comment already…made me feel down."

" Which comment ?"

" Social media. And some people that think they're real journalist wrote about me."

Max was feeling angry. So people thought they were free to tell things that would make his sunshine down. But people could be mean for nothing, only because of jealousy or just because they were bored. He couldn’t understand it.

" Fuck them. Don't look at it."

" That's what I try to do. But I definitely think it's not for me anymore. Remember I was followed to my home, people coming from time to time before I moved, some fans even tried to kiss me, I got robbed, and so much more. My actual state can't handle this."

" They're disgusting."

" That's also why coming to races is something that is tiring me. People asking questions, medias wanting to know if I'll come back, things like that. I only like seeing you racing, seeing some friends and meeting respectful fans."

" I'll make sure everything will be fine in Spa."

" Do you intend to be like a bodyguard ? Because you can't be with me all the time. It's already suspicious enough."

" Of course I can't be around all the time but when it's not me, it can be a staff or something. I'll manage it."

" Do whatever you want, Maxie. You're giving me no choice."

" You gave me no choice when you started liking me, Charles !"

" Then It's been more than a decade with no choices. Seems almost unfair."

" It's not like I've been fully free to make my own choices younger, I'm used to it."

" Anyway, I think it may be time for me to leave you, Sweet Boy ! Lorenzo wants to kill me with those full days."

" Try to stay alive a little longer."

" I'll try. Can't promise anything though." Charles smiled, " Sleep well. And don't forget to dream of me !"

" As if you were in my mind when I'm sleeping." Max rolled his eyes," Good night and take a great rest."

" I'm sure you do !" The Monegasque giggled.

" Nope."

Charles laughed, saying a last goodbye before hanging up. Max's heart was full but it'll emptying soon enough. It was always the same, when he was talking or seeing him, his heart was fulfilled, happy. But the more he wasn’t around, the quicker it was emptying. He'd never been or felt like that. Not with anyone but Charles. Not seeing him for so long seemed foolishly and stupidly impossible.

When the Monegasque finally came back during the night, he was exhausted. He quickly went to sleep, not even sending a text to Max saying he was finally home since he was gonna have plenty of time tomorrow after sleeping.

The next day, he'd finally sent a text, nothing too fancy. He was already tired of having to go to hospital. Again. But it had to be done anyway, if not, going to Spa would be compromised. Back then someone was always driving him there and picking him up. When he stayed in Switzerland it used to be Sebastian, in Monaco, he was doing it. It wasn’t the same though, he was better now. Driving had never been an option before.

He drove there, entering with automatism, going where he needed to. He'd flinched when the nurse went through his skin with the needle he wasn’t looking at anymore. He stared at her instead, thinking she looked like Charlotte which was strange. She talked sweetly and softly but was clear, very professional. He liked it. It was definitely way more clear than Xavi during races. He giggled at his own thought, making her curious while she was continuing her work but she didn’t ask anything. Charles had looked at his blood transfusion, now he had to wait. Hopefully, his tiredness would disappear for a time because Max had noticed he was easily tired or sleeping a lot. That wasn’t good. It was only going to worry the people who knew and if he could avoid that, that would be amazing.

Right after a moment that seemed longer than it really was, he'd came to his doctor office, hoping he wasn’t going to tell him something bad. Deep down, he knew it was gonna be hard though. And he'd been right.

" It's not as good as I want it to be." The doctor said, " However, it can improve, you'll do a blood test later this week."

" What are my options if it still going down ?"

" Another treatment. If this one doesn’t work, transplant."

" But none of my brothers are compatible."

" That's why it hadn't been the first option."

" So ? What's the final of this ?

" We aren't there yet, Charles."

Charles didn’t want to live another treatment. In fact, he didn’t want to be around any hospital or medical area for the rest of his life. He'd had enough. After his appointment, he went back home, not thinking of anything. After opening his door, he went straight to the kitchen, drinking something. He haven't checked if Max had texted, his mind was off. He'd almost dropped his glass when he'd heard the doorbell. He wasn’t waiting for anyone. Did he want to see someone ? Not really. Despite that, he went to open, being surprised when Max came in closing the door and hugging him tightly. He was confused, he wasn’t supposed to be here or in Monaco but on vacation with Carlos and Lando. Why wasn’t he ?

" How…"

" I postponed saying I wasn’t feeling well. They left without me."

" Oh."

" I missed you."

" Me too."

The Monegasque was feeling shattered. Max's embrace had always felt great, he'd loved it every time. Right now, he didn’t know. Nothing had changed from the driver, still sweet. Lovely. Gentle. But he was hurt.

" Max." He said in a sob, " It hurts."

" What ?"

" Everything. I don't feel good."

Tears started to fall, hiding it in Max's neck. It was so hard.

" I'm here." The dutchman calmly answered, " Cry if it can make you feel better. Otherwise, tell me what I can do for you."

He just cried. He wasn’t brave or strong enough to tell his full story, either his suicide attempt or his illness. The fear of losing Max was here, he didn’t know how he was gonna react because this boy could be extra and run away. Max was also seeing him as the Charles he used to be, just like Lando not like the sick Charles Carlos, Pierre and everyone who knew were looking at. Max had taken him to the couch, making him sit but staying close, stroking his back.

"Can you tell me more ?" The dutchman asked.

" There is nothing to say, I just…I'm collapsing. Sorry to not be a sunshine today."

" You're…Always a pretty sunshine."

" I feel like I'm more like a fucking dark night."

" If so, let me be your light. I would never be as bright as you but I can do my best to be enough."

" It doesn’t sound like something you would say unless Lando."

" I've spent a lot of time with him."

Charles had finally smiled a little, resting his forehead on Max's shoulder.

" You'll always be enough for me. So, be my light, Verstappen."

" Tell me something you want and can make you happy."

Your love, Charles thought. But he chose another answer.

" Ice cream. But this specific one that isn’t in Monaco."

" Don't tell me it's in Italy."

" Italy isn’t that far, you know."

Max checked what time it was, it was about to be midday. They could eat there and get this ice cream as a dessert.

" Then let's go."

" Don't feel obligated."

" I don't. Come on, we should go now to not be the hungriest people ever when we will arrive."

Max got up, taking Charles' hand to help him raise. The Monegasque followed him till the driver stopped.

" Don't forget your jacket."

" So caring."

He'd put his jacket while Max rolled his eyes before kissing him, leaving the apartment quickly and  going to the dutchman's car. Charles loved how sweetly Max wanted to make him happier, better. He was ready to drive to Italy only for an ice cream. It seemed stupid and childish. But it did make him feel better. He'd told him where they were going, which was a 40 minutes drive. He haven't lied when he said it was not too far. He'd quickly texted their family groupchat saying he wouldn’t be there for the day and out of Monaco before looking at Max.

" Why did you stay ?"

" I told you."

" But it wasn’t like we weren't going to see each other anymore."

" I never know with you."

" Still bitter, aren't you ?"

"…I shouldn’t because it was all my fault, right ? I know that."

" It's not. I was dealing with a lot of things. When I said it was your fault, it was because I was mad and just wanted you to be hurt since you've hurt me. I already told you. In Abu Dhabi this year, I already knew it was my last time, I couldn’t come back. I was putting an end on Jules' legacy. An end to my dad's efforts, his happiness to know I signed with Ferrari even if it was a lie at this time. I hate myself for giving up after all the hopes they'd on me."

For a few seconds, it'd been a dead silence before Max finally spoke.

" Jules' legacy will burn through you till your last day and with the halo who saved many drivers. I didn’t get to meet your dad much but I'm sure he would've not ashamed you for anything that happened, he would've supported you at your lowest."

Charles looked away, staring at the sky trough the window. Max used to kill him, hurt his heart and soul. Now, he was the one healing it with words he'd never expected to hear from him.

" I wonder how it is in your mind sometimes. You can be so rude and so soft at the same time."

" My mind is only a mess."

" Just like mine then." The Monegasque answered, " I couldn’t watch any race for a long time, you know. I didn’t want to see you and I knew you were going to be at the top while I wasn’t there. I only started to watch it again this year because I didn’t want to live like this anymore. Out of what I loved the most. Out of what made me feel so alive despite all the deception I also got. I also knew I was gonna come back in Monaco, I didn’t know when but I knew I wanted to. So I had to confront what I avoided. Now, I don't think I have any regrets regarding it."

" If going to races isn't the best for you, tell me, you don’t have to come if you don't want to."

" No, I want to watch you and be around. I'm happy to go with you and I love Spa." He said, " When are you leaving then ?"

" In 2 days."

" Just enough time to spend together. I can't believe you lied. What if I came one day late ?"

" You didn’t so it's perfectly fine."

" Thank you."

" For lying ?"

" To be here. I didn’t know I would need you today but I did. And you were there, you're even driving me to Italy just for my ice cream."

" I want you to be happy. I don't want to see you sad or hurt."

" That's why I'm thanking you. But you know, I just realized we aren't going to be discreet in a red Ferrari."

"….Oh fuck. I didn’t think about it."

" It's okay Maxie, you can't think about everything."

" It doesn’t matter anyway. The most important is the ice cream."

" Definitely something that's gonna save my life."

Max smiled while Charles giggled. Once in the city, the dutchman listened to Charles recommendation about where they could eat and followed it. He didn’t care. If Charles wanted to eat there, then he was going to give him what he wanted. But even if he was trying his best, Max could see how the light in Charles' eyes faded just like Abu Dhabi 2023. They'd eaten, talking about a lot of things before finally heading to get this ice cream the Monegasque was craving for. This time, Charles' smile was pure and honest. His eyes becoming a little brighter. This little something just made Max's heart flutter.

The driver was ready to give him everything he wanted to even the world if he was asking it. Despite his want to be kind of oblivious, he knew that Charles mostly wanted what he couldn’t give, unconditional love. He was trying to make up for everything bad he'd ever did to him even without knowing.

It was a sunny day, Max had asked if Charles knew some places he should see before they leave even if they could come back any time. The Monegasque seemed pleased that he'd asked, taking him to places he liked. Max followed, asking questions to show his interest. They went by a florist, Charles stopping in front of it to look at the flowers.

" They're so pretty."

" It is."

" A fan gave me flowers in Australia in 2023, I loved it just like every little gifts they gave me. It was such a kind thing and I like flowers."

" We can enter."

" It'll be pretty boring for you."

" Nope. Let's go."

They entered, Charles looking at everything minding his own business. He didn’t know how long he'd stared at every flowers, thinking about how his life was like one of it. He'd bloomed during his F1 career and now he was slowly fading.

" Charles."

The Monegasque turned around to see a beautiful bouquet of flowers, full of red and Max's sweet smile.

" For you." He continued.

He'd taken it with shaky hands, not believing what was happening. It wasn’t such a big deal itself but it was for him. Max gave him flowers. Max Verstappen, his teenage and first love bought him a bouquet. Their fights during karting seemed so far now.

" Thank you, they're…beautiful… But the florist only speaks Italian, I came once."

" I have skills."

Charles stared at his flowers with a smile on his face while they were leaving the shop. Max just lighted up his whole day with all those attention. He'd tried his best, driving him for ice cream, getting him a bouquet. His eyes became wet, holding back tears. So, it is what it feels to feel loved, somehow, by the person you'd loved the most in the whole world.

" Thank you so much. I love it."

" I'm glad you do."

" And Red."

" I may have a thing for red."

" I noticed. Should we go back home ?"

" If you don't have any other place to show."

" Let's save some for the next time."

Charles nodded, going back to the car. During their drive, He'd stared at his gift smelling them. It was so nice and beautiful. At home, he'd put his flower in a vase with water, putting it on his table.

" Are you sleeping here ?"

" If you allow me."

" As if you doubted I was going to let you."

" Who knows ?"

Max had smiled, kissing him. They'd ordered delivery to eat, chilling a little more. After a quick shower about to go to bed since Charles was tired, Max had noticed something on the Monegasque arm.

" What happened ? You did a blood test ?"

" Oh… Yes. Because I was feeling tired, must be nothing too serious. Just a lack of some vitamins I suppose."

" Must be. It's better to check. I don't want you to be sick or something."

" Nothing to worry about."

After getting into the bed, snuggling against each other, Charles had asked something.

" Why did you try so hard today ?"

" I told you. I wanted you to be happy."

" Congratulations, you've really been the light of my day. I'm happier than I was before."

" That's all I wanted."

" I won't say I'm the happiest but not as low as I was."

It seemed enough for Max who kissed him just like always sweetly before it became more passionate. His hands touching this body he was now ashamed of, making him shiver. It was becoming hotter, only wanting to touch every inch of each other skin. But when it became a little too serious, Max stopped without a word, hiding his face onto Charles' neck.

But it was fine. Max had already given him a lot today. Lot of time, attention and if he dared to say it, love.

Chapter Text

Max had to leave the next day after a lot of thinking. He wasn’t sure he really wanted to leave him but Charles had encouraged him to take a breath outside Monaco saying he was feeling better. Of course it was a lie but Max couldn’t always stay around otherwise, the dutchman would notice something was really wrong with Charles. And he couldn’t allow that.

The driver left with an heavy heart. He haven't missed a day of texting the Monegasque, checking on him no matter what, sending pics of things that was reminding Max of him. He'd tried to call him from time to time, most of it though, Charles was sleeping since it was quite late when he was finally free. He'd never really been always with his phone before but now, he was. Always jumping on notifications or calls, something Lando haven't missed. The only thing he'd been doing was smiling as if he knew everything but haven't said anything which was surprising.

Right after his vacation, Max had to go back to his F1 thoughts and training. He'd wanted to meet Charles but said he couldn’t each time. The dutchman had started to feel worried but tried to not show it. His dad had called a little after he went back home, talking once again about F1 and Charles. Max had shortened their call, he had enough. He didn’t want to hear what Jos had to say about him, those awful and rude words. Charles deserved none of that. No one deserved to be treated and called this way. So, why was he not defending him and Lando ? He wasn’t a good friend, he knew that. Not on this point. He also didn’t want to talk about F1 because his dad wasn’t happy about this season saying he wasn’t doing enough. He'd laughed at himself when he thought of that, when was he ever enough, though ? Never. He'd never been enough, never given enough. Even when he was winning, there was always something he'd done wrong. There was 10 races left and he haven't won enough, got enough points to be first currently fighting on the top with the Mercedes, Ferrari and Checo. At least, it was more entertaining for everyone, more exciting. It was reminding him of his 2023 season, Lewis getting back on the top with Fernando and his battle with Charles. His dad had been so pissed when he'd lose to the Monegasque. He'd been even more when in 2024, Lewis had finally got his 8^th championship. This year had been hell. The one he'd wanted to forget the most for Jos' words, his own feelings, disappointment and Charles' absence.

He'd noticed Charles was off social media, not posting anything beside the flowers he'd got him in Italy. He was still answering him which was a good thing. But he was missing him. A hole was starting in his heart, deepening each day. The thing he was waiting for was for Charles to hold him sweetly without hurting him. He'd never thought someone else, more less Charles, could be the safest place he ever had. A peaceful place. If he could, he would've taken him to every races left with him. He was going to be in Spa and then Monza but not others or maybe the Monegasque haven't told him so.

And just like that, he'd never met Charles again before leaving for Spa. Charles had told him he was only going to be there on Friday evening so they were only going to see each other on Saturday. Max was disappointed but Charles explained he needed to rest for quali so it was better to not see each other, it would be too late. Despite Max trying to convince it wasn’t something to worry about, it was for Charles. Max had finally let go, knowing he was gonna see him the next day. He'd had a hard time to sleep this night or really enjoyed it, depending on your point of view.

It's been a while since he'd dreamed about the Monegasque, maybe he was just not remembering it though. This one was worth each one he'd before anyway. If at first it seemed innocent, only dreaming of kissing him, his heart beating faster while being filled with love after being emptied by not seeing Charles. Slowly, his imagination wanted more, things getting a little hotter, skin to skin, Max felt like he was melting under his touch and kisses. It felt so real that it was in his mind. His imagination was shameless, remember Charles' body when he'd helped him in the shower being drunk. He would've never thought it was such a vivid memory and yet, it was. But it wasn’t bad at all. So much was happening in his dream, things he would be ashamed of if it was real even and they weren't even fully naked. Yet. But the way he was submissive to the Monegasque wholeheartedly was shameful just like the way he was enjoying it. The view and feeling of having Charles on top of him was driving him crazy.

And he suddenly woken up, sweaty. Who had ever imagined he would be horny because of a stupid ex-driver that pushed him into a puddle when he was younger.

Waiting for Charles was like a nightmare. He was waiting impatiently on his chair, not really paying attention to his breakfast. He liked this feeling just as much as he hated it. He'd turned his head immediately after hearing his name being said with a French accent he loved. A smile appeared instantly becoming wider after each step, reducing the distance between them. They couldn’t be like they were at home which was almost disappointing. Charles had taken place in front of him, Max noticing he looked like he'd gained weight. It didn’t matter, he was still mesmerizing and beautiful for him. He was almost looking healthier. Max liked that.

" They had Stroopwafels. I got you some."

" Pretty sure it won't be as good as your mom's."

" Of course not, my mom is the best."

" Still mommy's boy."

" Eat it and stay silent."

" As if I didn’t look chubbier already."  

" You don't. Eat now."

Charles smiled, starting to eat a waffle. He'd looked around, some people have stared at him and were still doing it. He'd noticed Pierre, they haven't talked since Zandvoort and their argument. They'd stared at each other for a few seconds before the Monegasque chose to look at Max.

" I never thought I would feel that nervous to come here."

" Why are you ?"

" It's the first time since I came back that I'll not be in Ferrari but Red Bull. It's a change."

" Don't be. It's the same. Just in a different color."

" I know but some emotion aren't rational, you know."

" I do. Thank you for coming. I think you look better than before."

" Do I ? Amazing then."

Max haven't said a thing, looking at him eating. He was trying to not think about his dream but it was way easier to say because he couldn’t. He looked away with pink cheeks, trying to not be seen by anyone either. Was it really a good idea to want Charles here ? A little after, they'd headed together to the track, the Monegasque looking at him.

" I'm happy to cheer for you from your team."

" Thank you for coming."

" You haven't really left me a choice."

" You never denied."

" True. For once, we'll be in the same team."

" Red isn't my color."

" Blue isn't mine."

" How sad." Max answered.

Charles wasn’t feeling nervous only because of the fans, the media and things like that. He also was thinking of having to watch Max race knowing how dangerous it can be, how a few seconds could change lives forever. When he was in the car, he had no time to think about it. Now, he had more than enough. Maybe too much. Once at the track, they'd to go through the fans, Charles religiously following him. He'd however stopped for people wanting to get a picture or a signature. He'd never expected so much people saying they hoped he was gonna make a comeback. He wished. But some things may stay as wishes, not turn into reality. He was trying to look great, healthy for every grand prix appearance, knowing people were gonna talk about it. He knew people did but he wasn’t looking as sick as he used to. He just had a casual appearance, not as sportive as before.

He'd felt better once in Red Bull hospitality, some being surprised of his presence. Max didn’t care, greeting people and making sure of everyone's attitude towards Charles. They went in his driver room after, finally allowing the driver to kiss the Monegasque without being seen by anyone. How was it possible to never get enough of someone's kisses ? There was such weird feelings in this world.

" Maxie, don't be so impatient with your kisses." Charles chuckled.

The dutchman just went back on kissing him, more patiently. He haven't felt that relaxed for days, he only because of Charles' sweet scent and warm presence. With sweet kisses, he wanted to give a lot to the Monegasque such as all his affection and the importance he had in his life. The importance he'd always had, even younger and when they both didn’t know it. He was giving almost all of himself. Max had stopped when he'd heard someone going by despite knowing they were locked in. Charles was staring at him, putting his hand on his cheek.

" You're such a sweet boy before going to destroy everyone on the track." He smiled.

" You really love me, do you ?"

The Monegasque couldn’t hide his surprise, it was an unexpected question.

" Do you like the feeling of being loved ?" Charles asked.

Asking for such a reassurance right now seemed strange but it was a good opportunity to ask his own question. He'd been thinking a lot about it, Max loving the feeling of being loved and be blinded by it.

" Everyone does."

" Most of people. But some likes it even more."

" I suppose I do like it."

" If I didn’t love you anymore, how would you feel ?"

Max already knew the answer but chose to not say it. He would feel empty, helpless. Would he dare to say heartbroken ? He won't.

" I don't know. But… Do you ?"

" You still have my heart. Just like the last decade."

" Come to my room tonight. I don't know when I'll be there though. Someone is gonna drive you back earlier than me."

" In that case, don't book me a room next time. Such a waste of money." Charles smiled.

" Money is fine."

" Right, I'm talking to a four time world champion, what's money at this point ?"

" Say the Monegasque."

" That's a cliché, Maxie."

The dutchman giggled before hiding his face in Charles' neck. He'd taken a breath, he loved to do that. Even more when the Monegasque was hugging him, making him feel safer than it already did. Safer than he ever felt. He was aware of how weak it sounded but he liked to be surrounded by such love. Sadly, someone called him, reminding him that he still had duties during a race weekend. He'd left his driver room with regrets but he had to. He'd made it short before going back to find Charles who looked to be comfortable around Red Bull. However, seeing him talking with a wide smile to someone else only made him jealous. He tried to not show anything, he didn’t know if it was a success. Making him come here was definitely a bad idea and yet, he wasn’t regretting it. He didn’t had much personal time with Charles but seeing him around in the garage a little before quali was great. He loved seeing him ready to watch him racing, staring at him with encouragement.

He'd quickly set his mind to be focused on quali, mistakes could always happens even while being careful. You never knew. Charles had watched him get into his car, ready to go. He was then focused on the screen, watching how it was going since the Red Bull's were leaving the pit a little later than others. Without a surprise, they went through Q1 quite easily. While still watching the screen, He'd seen himself being filmed which was annoying to him. However, he'd turned his head, smiling before getting back to Q2 that's just started. He couldn’t help but look at Carlos, Pierre and Lando's position. Ferrari was doing great which was relieving, he was hoping for the brit to continue the great job he'd been doing till now just as much as he wanted fans and tifosi to understand he deserved his seat. His seat.

Charles' heart stopped when a yellow flag was announced, seeing it was a Red Bull. Max's one. He wasn’t getting out for a time, only few seconds, that seemed endless to him before finally seeing the dutchman out of the car. They'd seen the replay, it wasn’t anyone fault but the car, brake problem apparently. Max was gonna be furious. And he was based on his body language just as much as his radio.  Car reliability was better than if it was caused by someone otherwise Max may go to the driver and argue about what had happened, just like he did once with George, calling him a dickhead on Tv. It seemed like Max had been unlucky about his car this year. It was either the reliability or someone ruining his race. Charles could relate. He haven't been the luckiest driver ever.

When Max came back, he was upset. He made the talk with the team rather short before going to his driver room to change. The Monegasque chose to not follow him, being around an upset dutchman was dangerous. Charles was sure Max would get back at the top anyway, it only was quali. But he also knew how he wanted to win everything, be first no matter what. He had this mindset before. Now, he was only trying to survive.

He'd watched the rest of quali, surprisingly Checo didn’t get pole unless Carlos. Another thing that was going to annoy Max even if things were better than before. Charles stayed with the girl staff who got asked to stay near him, talking about races, what had been going on while the dutchman must've been gone to medias. They went back to the hospitality, the Monegasque wondering in which state of mind Max was. He'd patiently waited for him however, it seemed like he'd been caught by his team into a talk that may last for a time. The girl had been told to get him back to the hotel after a while which wasn’t that bad, all of this was still tiring. Everything was planned anyway, he would meet Max tonight. He'd taken the time to text him, not waiting for an actual answer. He went around the paddock, meeting few fans for which he'd taken time just much as people he used to see a lot. The Monegasque went back to the hotel. This gp had been tiring but it had been great. For him at least, not really for Max. Thinking about him, he'd answered his text with a short answer but it was still one. At the hotel, he'd time to meet Arthur who was racing in F2, apologizing to not have met him earlier or in the paddock. His little brother only smiled saying everything was fine. They'd spend time together talking about everything.

When Max came back later, he went to Charles' room. It didn’t matter which room it was at the end, knocking and waiting till the door was open, sneaking in instantly.

" I thought it was gonna take longer."

" Me too. But it went fine."

" Why were you that upset ? It's not the first time it happens and it won't be the last either."

" My dad called me when I was changing. Not the best call."

" Oh."

" And he has seen you in the garage. No need to explain he doesn’t like that."

" Sorry."

" Don't be. I'm the one who wanted you here. I hate this fucking car."

" You don't really." Charles smiled.

Max pouted like a child which was amusing before going straight to Charles to get a close hug. He was still frustrated about what had happened, The monegasque's touch however, started to make it disappear. He'd stared at Charles' face before kissing him, his mind only focused on his want more likely a need at this point, of Charles' touch.

When did he become so needy of another man ? Has he always like this without knowing ? There was a lot of questions but it didn’t need an immediate answer. It'd been fine till now anyway. Max almost felt upset when Charles ended their kiss.

" Don't stop."

" What do you want from me ?" The Monegasque smirked.

" Everything." Max answered in a breath.

" That's such a vague answer, you know."

The driver was impatient, Charles started to play with his hair but not only that, he was also playing with him. He hated but loved it at the same time. Charles wanted him to be clear but he didn’t know himself. He only knew he was craving for him.

" If you stay tense like this, I can't give you anything good." Charles said moving behind him, back hugging him and kissing his neck.

" Give me a reason to relax."

" Is that a challenge, Maxie ?"

" Maybe."

Max may have stopped breathing. He'd answered quickly, without thinking. He didn’t know what to expect. He'd lost in mind when he'd felt Charles' breath on his ear.

" Fine."

The dutchman turned around, staring again, after a thousand times already at Charles' face. He was discovering it in another atmosphere, his heart beating as he was taking the monegasque's shirt off. He could notice how his body wasn’t the same as it used to be when he was in F1. Was it important to him ? Not at all. He touched him after a few seconds of staring as if Charles was the most precious thing ever. He'd rose up his head, his eyes meeting the other.

" Beautiful." Max whispered.

" Never stop to look at me with those eyes."

The driver had smiled but haven't moved, waiting for Charles to do something which the Monegasque seemed to like or either find it amusing. He ended up shirtless, free of this Red Bull merch he may have been wearing a little too much. Charles embraced him close, skin to skin, mouth to mouth.  Heart to heart. Max was allowing himself to be fully under Charles' control. Letting him lead their kiss. It was the first time he was discovering another man this way with such strong feelings. What he'd experienced with girls before had never been like this, not so natural.

When his back had met the mattress, Charles on top of him, he realized his dream had been actually tasteless. What he was living now was way better, those kisses on his skin hotter, Charles' touch burning with passion. It felt like heaven. All the tension and angriness he had disappeared. However, he may like it but knew he couldn’t go too far.

" Charles…I-" He whispered between two kisses.

" We can stay on foreplay, Maxie."

Max almost felt grateful that in those moments, the Monegasque was able understand him without talking much. He only nodded, his hand brushing Charles' back to end in his hair and kissing him. He felt like they weren't even as close as he wanted them to be. Charles. It was the only thing that was in his mind. The only thing he could think of. Saying Max's body was burning with passion would be an euphemism, there was literally no word for what he was actually feeling. At some point, Charles proposed to make all of this kinda useful and take a shower together. Max would've been a mad man to say no and in fact, he loved this idea despite this quick thought they were finally going to see each other naked. He was feeling like a teenager, this kind of first times you experience during this moment of your life. He was as confused as he could've been at that time, he may also be a little scared of it.

Once in the bathroom, he'd followed the mood, starting the shower before undressing himself and go in. He didn’t dare to look at Charles yet, shyness suddenly hitting him. Max had lost his breath when Charles had pressed his back against his. He felt like someone else, not like this Max Verstappen everyone was seeing as a rude and aggressive driver. Maybe right now, he was only Max. This boy who used to cry alone in the dark because of how harsh his dad was to him, thinking it was what was gonna make him the best. The same boy who felt like he wasn’t enough, wasn’t doing enough. But at this moment, he felt like the best version of himself, his true self with Charles.

The Monegasque's hands on his body felt like heaven, his heart was racing, catching his breath was hard but in the best way. Who would've thought a simple handjob could make him feel like that while he has already given himself a lot. Feeling a man's body on his own was strange at first but it quickly became nothing. Max had a boost of confidence at some point, finally daring to discover Charles noticing some light bruises on his pale skin. The Monegasque had noticed his stare rather quickly because he knew he would notice.

" It's nothing."

" Are you sure ?"

" Maxie, we are naked in a shower doing things, don't ruin the mood for some bruises." He giggled.

" Made me shut up then."

" You shouldn’t challenge me like that." The Monegasque had said.

In the morning when Max had woken up, Charles was still in a peaceful sleep. The dutchman chose to quietly get ready to give him more sleeping time before waking him up. They'd agreed to meet at breakfast before Max had left to just do as usual on a race weekend.

When he entered the dinning room, Max had quickly noticed Lando waving at him to get his attention. It'd perfectly worked, getting closer and seeing he was about to share a breakfast with fellow drivers.

" Sit !"

" I'm not a dog."

The brit had just laughed while Max was sitting, noticing Pierre's gaze on him. He didn’t care, greeting everyone. At least, he was staying civilized and polite.

" Where is Carlos ?"

Seeing Lando without Carlos was almost weird after the vacation they'd spent together. However, it seemed to please Oscar who was sitting next to his ex-teammate. Of course it did.

" Coming soon. Where is Charles ?"

" I don't know."

" What a surprise to see him in your garage." Said Alex.

" A few are already speculating he could be a replacement for Checo." Added George.

" He likes Spa so I invited him. And he's not. He'll not come back."

Spa was special for Charles. Because he'd won his first race here before winning Monza as well. If he had to be really honest, Max hadn't been thinking about it when he wanted him to come, it kinda was due to his selfishness.

" Fernando came back." Answered Esteban.

" He can't."

" Look who's there." Smiled Lando.

Max turned around, seeing Charles and Carlos getting closer, the Monegasque taking place next to Max.

" We were talking about you Charles." Oscar said.

" Oh, really ? I hope it's for my good looking."

" Rumors saying you would be replacement for Checo." Answered Esteban, " Max was telling us you would not come back."

" He said you can't." Chose to add the aussie.

" He's right. I won't ever come back in F1. My time is over."

" You have a world champion privilege and a place in a top team is gonna be available." Logan said.

" And what ? If he says he will not, why keep asking or talking about it ? You should sh-" Abruptly asked Max.

" It's fine." Softly interrupted Charles, " I understand it can be a topic. But trust me. I won't. And Blue isn't color anyway."

Lando had stared at his friend who couldn’t held back. The brit had already noticed how the Monegasque had been a sensitive topic when he was gone but now, he knew Max would let no one be rude or anything towards Charles. Despite his want to not really say it, Max was fond. People who knew him well could see it just like he always did. But his protective attitude would make drivers questions things. His presence had already been a huge topic of discussion in the paddock especially being at Red Bull.

" Why can't you come back ? I've heard you were gonna give answers in an interview before Monza." Asked Lance.

" It'll be more like…Well. Let's be clear so we can move on. I won't come back because I can't. My mental health isn't allowing me. I'm gonna talk about depression with Lando in this interview because I know I can't keep up without someone. I want to tell it before anyone can out it."

There was suddenly a dead silence, Max's heart was still aching when he was hearing that. Charles never said he was gonna do that. The Monegasque had chose to give an half truth to the world, also using this opportunity to talk about mental health topic. It was important and despite him not giving all of his story, his feelings would be honest.

" It's fine now. After 3 years, I had time to work on myself. Now that everyone knows maybe we can eat, head to the track after and I can watch each of you racing ?"

" Man, we weren't expecting that." George said.

" No one does. No worries about it."

Max had taken a breath. He was easily irritated when it came to Charles and he felt like Logan was almost attacking him or being harsh. They'd eaten talking about a lot of things, but Max wasn’t really participating. He had nothing and he didn’t want to participate either. Charles was smoothly avoiding interactions with Pierre and Carlos, what had been said in Zandvoort wasn’t forgotten.

Their drive to the track had been rather quiet, both having a busy mind. Getting to the paddock had been the same way as yesterday but Charles chose to stay closer to Max through their way to Red Bull hospitality. They'd greeted people who were already there, talking a little before getting into Max's driver room.

" What are your thoughts about today ?" Charles asked.

" Winning."

" Amazing. I'll cheer for you from the garage."

" I like having you around."

" Sweet."

" Is there any gp with Ferrari after Monza ?"

" No, supposed to be my last."

" Oh."

" I can watch you from home. Would be even better with Jimmy and Sassy don't you think ?"

" The next ones are across the sea… So far from Monaco."

" It is. But it's F1 life, Max."

Max hated how right he was. Not as much as being so far from Charles. He had this irrational fear that maybe, Charles would feel a little lonely or sad. Or worst, something could happen to him. The dutchman went to snuggle against him, to get some love before driving and maybe some reassurance. He then took his hand to lead him to the couch, sitting.

" I'll have to go back quickly after the end of the race." Charles said.

" Why ? You already came quite late."

" I know but I have things to do. I did my best to be here for you."

" You only came for me ?"

" You didn’t really give me a choice. But it seemed to really matter to you so, I came."

" Are you…going to Italy ?"

" Yes, Maranello."

" You're getting back with Ferrari ?" Max asked.

" Not really. It'll be mostly about Monza. It's gonna be hard for me to handle to be a guest there so there is a lot that needs to be talked about."

" Are you afraid ?"

" Saying I'm not would be a lie."

" What if it's becoming too much ?"

" I'll just pass out."

" Charles !"

" I'm kidding, Maxie ! I don't know. I'll see, I may come to hide in your motorhome."

Max wasn’t really comforted by such a thing. He also knew that Charles would never been able to hide being the star of this gp as Ferrari's last champion just as much as their home race winner.

" Why are you gonna say publicly that you're depressed ?"

" I said it earlier. I want to say it before anyone can say it for me. I also want to talk about it freely maybe I can help people. Don't worry, I won't say anything about how you broke my heart."

Forgiving wasn’t forgetting. Sometimes, Charles would say things reminding Max how he broke his heart, hurt him. And Max would just accept it with guilt.

" As long as no one can know it's me, talk about it if you want."

" I appreciate it."

" I want to see you at the end of the race. But if I hug you by accident or not, my dad will be crazy again."

" Max. Do whatever you want ! You're an adult."

" I feel like…I can't be just Max with him or he'll be mad."

" With who can you be just Max ?"

" Lando. Vic. My mom. You."

" Something is off if you can be just Max with your family but him."

" But he's my dad."

" The one who left you in Italy only because you'd lost."

" I'm where I am now because of him."

" Of course, being raised in the rudest way to destroy everything, be a cold machine is the best way to be at the top."

" Charles. Stop here."

The Monegasque sighed, staying silent. Continuing would lead to an argument that wasn’t needed and Jos didn’t deserve it. He had no sympathy for Max's father. It was crazy how Max wasn’t seeing he was a problem but Charles had to be realistic, he wasn’t seeing it because he'd grown up with it. Maybe one day, the dutchman would finally understand and stop being oblivious. He had some doubts he would, Max wasn’t the type of boy who could change. At least, he didn’t think so.

" I'll release a new song."

" When ?"

" A little after Monza."

" Good timing. Let me listen to it."

" You don't have such privileges, you'll wait."

" That's kinda mean."

" I know, I would even say evil." Charles giggled.

" It's almost F2 start. Do you want us to go ?"

" I can go alone if you don't want to, it's just great to see my little brother racing."

Max had given him a little kiss before smiling.

" Let's go."

That's how they ended watching an F2 race, Charles hoping to see his brother on the podium. The dutchman was staring at him from time to time, glad to see he seemed to be happy. Charles' face had lighten up when Arthur got the podium and even better, won the race. For a short moment, Max had found back the version of Charles he loved the most. The bright and warm sunshine he used to be, the one who was composing sad song despite always being happy. That's what Charles used to say. Was it even true ?

The Monegasque had congratulated his brother, telling him how proud he was. Max had never really spoke to Arthur but he'd taken the time to congratulate him as well before he'd to leave. Charles had watched him on the podium, it was deserved. He deserved it.

When their hands accidentally touched, Max only wanted to grab it and never let go. But he would not dare to. He wasn’t brave enough.

" Do you want to stay with him ?"

" Are you trying to make me go away ?"

" You may just want to spend some time around with him."

" Let's meet again after the driver's parade ?"

" Sound great. See you and be careful."

" I always am."

Max had left, hoping that really nothing would happen in the paddock. He passed by Ferrari, seeing Lando that was about to get in. He'd stopped to talk to him.

" Ready to lose ?" The brit asked.

" You wish."

" Where is Charles ?"

" With his brother. I didn’t know you were doing this interview in Monza with him."

" Long story. I'll be more like an emotional support."

"…Did he talk to you ?"

" We shared some things."

" I see. I'll let you go."

" Do you need something ?"

" Do I ?"

" I don't know. You give this feeling you want or need something from me."

" I don't know either."

" You're complicated."

" Getting older doesn’t help."  

" Hell, no. You're becoming worst."

" As if you didn’t."

" True." Lando smiled, " Just call me if you need."

" Thank you."

" Always."

They each went their way, Max just doing as always after that. He was thinking about the race but also about Charles, the song, this interview he was gonna give. Some people would not understand. Some would be mean. Some would hurt him. If he was doing it with Lando, even only as a support, the brit would receive the same stupid hate.

When the driver's parade was about to start, Logan had slightly bumped into him not apologizing or anything. Before he could call him out, George took his attention. They'd talked till the parade started, Pierre guiding him in a quiet corner which was weird and suspicious. He could also feel Carlos' eyes on them.

" You have lots of opportunities to talk to me during a race week. Why here and now ?" Max asked.

" Difficult to see you without Charles."

" He wasn’t here till yesterday."

" And I didn’t know he was coming."

" Go straight to the point."

" Stop playing."

" Playing ?"

" Do you think I'm blind or stupid ?"

" Maybe not blind."

" He isn't your toy."

" He's my friend, not a toy or anything. You should stop here."

" Of course, you prefer to die than admit something is going on. Is it that shameful for you ?"

" What's funny is that Charles is still talking to me but not you. I have better to do than talking with someone who's saying bullshit."

" Holà. What's going on here ?" Carlos asked after getting closer.

" Nothing, just a dickhead who doesn’t know how to shut up." Max answered.

" At least I know if I wanna fuck a man or not unlike you."

Carlos had reacted in a second, preventing Max from doing something publicly he may regret in the future, stopping him from jumping on Pierre. He'd taken him away, others minding their businesses and not caring about them. Lando however, came quickly asking what was going on.

" This motherfucker just-" Max tried.

" Argued about Charles." Carlos answered.

" Oh… I…see. Calm down, Max. If you want to almost fight with him, at least don't do it in front of everyone."

" I don't fucking care about them."

" I know. But you have Red Bull's image to preserve. Think about it. Let's just do the parade and then, you can relax in your driver room."

Lando was right. Max was carrying his team image with him. He had to ignore Pierre. He then chose to go on, doing the parade with his teammate and drivers he was getting along with. When it was finally over, He'd almost ran to the team where Charles wasn’t yet. He'd tried to relax in his room before hearing a light knock and Charles' voice. After he came in, he'd stared at Max with his arm crossed.

" So, you're about to throw hands with Pierre ?"

" I haven't started anything."

" I didn’t say that. What happened ?"

" He talked about you. You're my toy and I should stop."

" Don't think about what he said. You have to focus on your race."

" Carlos stopped me."

" And he did the right thing. Maxie, it doesn’t matter. What matters now is racing and winning. Nothing else."

" Why did you argue last time ?"

" The fact I drank and seemed to be close to you. But it doesn’t matter." Charles repeated, " It should affect you if it's not the truth."

" I just want to fucking kill him."

" You know it's not legal and money can't solve a problem like this ?" Charles smiled.

The Monegasque seemed so unbothered that Max almost felt annoyed. But he was right. He had to let it go, focus on what he was supposed to do today. Charles came closer, softly playing with Max's hair.

" It'll be fine, my little lion. You should preserve your anger and energy for Monza, mostly handling tifosi."

" No offense but Fuck Tifosi."

" Don't worry, they think the same about you."

If they would've wanted to stay hidden a little longer, they couldn’t. After putting his race suit, the dutchman had left as he had to. Charles stayed at Red Bull, talking with almost everyone. They were pretty fun, he didn’t feel like a burden even without Max. He only had a few seconds talk with the driver before he'd to left, saying he was gonna win.

And then, Charles only had to wait and see how the race would go. Despite the nostalgia he was feeling hinted with some sadness, he was happy to be here, racing was like his first love after all. He'd been watching the start that had been good for Max with nervousness, eyes focused on the screen, having the same energy as the team when the dutchman was overtaking. He was remembering all those feelings that made it even more powerful in his mind. When Max had finally taken the lead of the race, it was almost like he'd already won it for everyone inside. But everything could still happen.

At the end of the race, Max was as happy and excited than he was for his first wins. Maybe It had something to do with Charles, the fact that he was here with him. However, when he got out of his car and went to the team, he'd immediately noticed that the Monegasque wasn’t there.

" Where is Charles ?" Max asked Christian.

" He preferred to not come here."

The dutchman's feelings faded instantly. Why did he chose to not come ? Was it because of what he said earlier about his dad ? Was Charles mad about anything ? Now, he was overthinking as much as Lando could. He didn’t enjoy anything after that, he went on, doing his job but no more than that.

When he was finally allowed to, Max went to look for Charles, finding him at Red Bull's hospitality. The Monegasque was talking, not noticing him at first before he got called. He excused himself, going to Max who'd taken him in his room for a quick talk.

" Why weren't you there ?"

" I spared you a stupid talk with your dad. But congrats. I knew you could do it."

So, he'd been right. Charles didn’t come because of what happened earlier. That's not what he wanted. Max didn’t know what to say that would not lead to an argument.

" I wanted you to be there…"

" I was. Just not at the front. I shouldn’t be always around if you want what's happening to be a secret."

He knew how right he was and yet, he hated that. Charles was only following what he wanted, what he'd asked for.

" Maybe you can hug me now ?" Max whispered.

" I can."

Charles came closer, hugging him, feeling Max's body relaxing against his.

" You're not my toy…"

" I hope so. Forget it."

" I'm sorry."

" Sorry ? what for ?"

" Everything."

" It's okay."

Charles was wondering what was happening in Max's mind to be like this. He was glad Pierre haven't said anything else, it wasn’t the moment for Max to know another of his secrets.

" Come on, mate and go celebrate your win. I'm leaving."

" Don't go."

" I have to. We will see each other next weekend, Maxie."

The Monegasque was starting to be concerned. For so long, he'd thought that out of all those hearts he could get, he was loving the only one that wasn't beating for him. Despite that, Max was way softer than he'd ever thought, more clingy, desperate to be loved and eager of staying close to him. Maybe in another situation, he would've loved it but knowing the dutchman and after so many disappointment, he was afraid of the time all of this would disappear because Max's dad would lead his son's life directly or indirectly. He wasn’t sure Max's attitude was healthy for him either. Yet, he was weak and loved it. Who wouldn’t love something they'd waited for so long ?

Lando was laying on the couch of his driver room, his mind already full. He was thinking about a lots of different things, Max, Charles, his career. He hadn't been surprised when Carlos entered the room.

" Seems like you're already lost in your thoughts."

" Is there any time I haven't ?"

" Not much. It may not be the right time but I have something to say."

" What is it ?"

" I heard Oscar asked you to go out with him tonight."

" He did but what's the problem ?"

" Don't go."

Carlos had never been the type of boyfriend to say things like that. Lando had always done whatever he wanted, telling everything to the Spaniard anyway. If Lando wanted to spend a whole night at someone else place, he just had to say he wasn’t coming back home and it was fine.

" Why ?"

" I don't like how he looks at you."

" Carlos, " Lando smiled, " Are you really jealous ? You should be more worried about Max !"

" I don't think you realize his stare."

" I've never thought I was gonna live long enough to see you being jealous."

" Or I go with you. And don't say that you didn’t think you weren't going to live enough."

The brit had straightened, sitting finding all of this rather funny. Carlos wasn’t someone who was jealous, it was unusual but he almost liked it.

" Do you realize not everyone is attracted to fellow drivers nor is gay ?"  Lando asked.

" Max is having a sexuality crisis, everyone can. And Oscar is definitely attracted by you."

" He's not having a sexuality crisis, I think he'd always liked Charles, he just chose to be oblivious. He's pretty good at it. Oscar isn't."

" Please…Just don't go."

" Okay."

" Okay ?"

" Sure. You're never asking me anything, I'm always free to do everything I want even the craziest. I can do that for you."

" Thank you, Cariño. Can I take you out instead ?"

" Damn, is it a date ?"

" It is."

" Also, there is no need to be jealous. Even if he may look at me in a certain way, it's one sided. I'm more into handsome Spanish men."

" Do you still want to marry me ?"

" The real question is do you still want to marry me ? Living with me is pretty hard, you noticed it."

" I can send you to Max. You go there all by yourself anyway. And I'll always want you to be my husband."

" We aren't even officially back as boyfriend yet."

" If our date goes well, can I call you my boyfriend again ?"

" Only if it goes well." Lando giggled.

" It'll be the best you've ever lived."

" I hope for you. Why aren't you jealous of Max ?"

" Charles is the only one for him. If he wanted more with you, he would've got it already."

" I think they're a great match for each other."

" I won't say that."

" I know, I've heard your conversation, remember. But Charles is a grown man and he isn't stupid."

" He needs someone who's sure of what he wants, Max isn't."

" It's not our business, Carlos. I think Max is fond of him but he still needs to find his way with feelings. Charles doesn’t want to talk with you anymore because of what Pierre told him and you agreed with it. Even if it may be a mistake, let him do it. He'll do whatever he wants anyway."

" I only wanted to spare him pain."

" I know and that was a nice thought. But sometimes, it's not enough."

" When did you become so mature ?"

" Woke up like this today. It's an amazing point of view."

Carlos kissed Lando's forehead with a smile, whispering he loved him. He knew the brit was right, he couldn’t prevent Charles to do what he wanted despite his want to, sparing him eventual disappointment and pain. Maybe Max could change. He was pretty sure he would not but his only choice was to give him a chance. The Spaniard was also curious of what Sebastian would say once he knew the actual situation during Monza's race.

Chapter Text

Lando had been surprised when Max texted him saying that once they would both be in Italy, he wanted to talk with him. The brit already knew it would be about Charles who wasn’t as talkative as he expected. He'd taken his chance once they were alone.

" Is it going great with Max ?"

" He's still himself."

" Not really answering my question. He's pretty much ready to fight everyone for you."

" I wouldn't say everyone, he would be the same when it comes to you though."

" Naaah, he's more protective over you. You just have to look at his reaction when Logan talked a little too harsh for his liking. He's doing his best to keep you away from things you may not feel comfortable with anymore in the paddock. That's a protective lion you got here. And he invited you in Spa."

" Till he'll change his mind. I love to be kinda delusional but I also know I won't have him forever. "

" You could be each other's forever."

" I don't think we can be."

" Why ?"

" Max loves the feeling of being loved. He isn't in love with me."

" You're wrong."

" You're only saying that because you aren't in whatever we are."

" He will understand."

Charles would've wanted to be so faithful but he wasn’t. Lando couldn’t totally understand what he was feeling, the situation he was in. No one could.

" You can talk about anything related to him with me. I won't tell anything to Carlos or Max. I promise."

" I know, You're really trustworthy. I've seen you with Carlos though, seems like everything is fine."

" He's trying to understand me more. I won't say he's the best at it but the fact he's trying to with such honesty makes me happy."

" I'm glad to hear that. I can only see you together. And even if Max is still not fully on Carlos' side again, he thinks the same."

" I'm kinda worried about Max, well more likely about his dad."

" Why ? Are you aware of something ?"

" The feeling he's pressuring him. Talking about Jos is always kinda sensitive but it seems like it's worse now."

" Maybe… If you learn more, tell me and I'll do the same."

" Let's do that. I've heard Seb was coming !"

" Yes, he will !"

" Daniel is coming too."

" Oh. At Red Bull ?"

" I suppose. Doesn’t look to really please you."

" No no, I'm happy to see him."

" But you want Max for yourself."

" I don't."

" Liar."

" Okay fine but you can't say there wasn’t this little thing between them before !"

" Hiding your jealousy must've been hard."

" Yes."

" Felt the same about you and Carlos. And I was right."

" We weren't in the same situation as them… I hope."

" On this side, Max wouldn’t have been brave enough to ever go to Daniel."

The Monegasque had thought a lot about it after. Lando was right, Max wasn't brave enough to have done anything with Daniel. Despite that, knowing he was going to be at Redbull instead of him was only making him jealous while he shouldn’t. He'd sighed before getting a call to which he'd answered with a smile.

" Hi Max."

" Hi. You fine ?"

" Almost got food poisoning because of Lando but otherwise I am. Are you ?"

" Yeah…"

" You don't. What's going on ?"

" I don't know."

" It happens sometimes."

" The cats have been gone for two days."

" Aw, so that's why ? You've lost your kids for two days and it was too much ?"

" I didn’t even know it was possible to lost them like that. Well, Jimmy had already done it before but-"

" Maxie, you've destroyed your door with a hammer because Sassy was stuck after looking desperately for her."

" They're worst than kids."

" They are."

" Ferrari is putting you everywhere."

" Oh, are you sick of seeing me ?"

" No."

" Because I'm in red ?"

" Maybe."

" I'm happy to be see you tomorrow."

" Me too…. Have you done this interview with Lando yet ?"

" I did."

" How was it ?"

" Hard." Charles answered, " But at the same time, it wasn’t."

" Easier because you had someone with you."

" I imagine."

Max wished it would be him, almost feeling jealous for nothing. He was looking forward this interview though, Charles haven't said much about it. Talking about such a personal thing must've been tough. But unfortunately, being someone public meant to say things we didn’t want to. Lots of things about Charles had been said, it was time to clear up everything.

" I'm sorry, it's quite late. I'll let you rest." Max said.

" Go rest too. Dream of me, Verstappen."

" You wish, Leclerc."

The Monegasque giggled, saying a last good bye before hanging up. Max was alone again, watching the ceiling. Hearing his voice had been comforting. He'd imagined how his life would be if Charles was always around. Of course and as everyone, they wouldn’t always get along but mostly, it would be sweet. He would take him to races as long as he was going to be in formula one but what he would love the most would be staying with him in Monaco. Living with him here, with the cats, to finally feel at home. Enjoy meals together, having trips to Italy only because Charles only wanted those specific ice creams. Basically, just being with him. It was such a great dream. Getting this life would mean having to tell people what was going on in his life to his family, to the public. He didn’t want that. He felt complicated. And he was.

Once he'd finally been in Italy, his only thought was to be around Charles, see him, kiss him. He was missing everything. But the Monegasque wouldn’t be there before Thursday evening. Max had waited despite being impatient but when Charles finally came in the same hotel, his heart was racing, everything seemed better and brighter. He'd went to his room, being careful that people wouldn’t see him even if it was quite late already. When the door finally opened, he came in, closing the door, kissing him before squeezing Charles in his arms.

" Hi Maxie. I missed you too."

" Are you okay ?"

" Yes. I feel great. Do you ?" He'd answered after few seconds.

" I do now."

" You're acting like we haven't seen each other for a long time."

" It was a long time."

" I know you're the type of person who can be on a stream at 2 am before a race but aren't you tired ? It's 11 pm."

" I'm not. It's only free practice tomorrow anyway."

" I know but you'd a lot of things to do today."

" Not much. It was fine. What did you do to come so late ?"

" You're curious. I can be busy too, you know ?"

" Of course…"

" I'm quite tired, do you mind if I take a quick shower and we can sleep together ?"

" Yes, sure. I'm waiting."

Max had let go of the Monegasque who'd quickly went to the bathroom after taking his stuff. The driver had waited taking off his clothes ang getting into the bed already. He was impatient to snuggle against him. When Charles came back and got into the bed, Max had hugged him. It was so relaxing, making him feel sleepy. He yawned which made Charles smile.

" Tired now ?"

" That's your fault…"

" You're accusing me… Not fair."

" I know."

" We have a whole weekend to spend together anyway."

" Not really together."

" I'll not be too far. "

" Already too much."

" You're capricious."

" Yes and what about it ?"

" Oh, nothing. Good night."

Max closed his eyes, quickly falling asleep despite what he'd said. Charles had stared at his peaceful face, caressing his face with his fingertips. What they had right now had been made with lies around. The dutchman wanted them to stay hidden. Charles wasn't sharing his health conditions, the real reasons of his departure. What they had would not survive the public or the truth of how unhealthy he was.

Lies couldn't last forever.

The next morning when Max had woken up, Charles wasn't there anymore which was surprising. He'd looked at his phone to see if he'd sent him anything but he didn't. Maybe he would come back soon, it wasn’t Charles' type to leave like that. However, Max had to went back to his own hotel room, getting ready for a long day. When he'd checked his phone again, there was still no text from the Monegasque.

Since he'd agreed the day before to meet Daniel to share breakfast that's what he'd done after despite Charles staying in his mind. The aussie was already waiting, Max apologizing for making him wait.

" I just came. Slept well, Sleeping beauty ?"

" I did. Have you seen Lando or Carlos by any chance ?"

" You can ask directly If I've seen Charles."

" That's not-"

" I'm not a fool."

" Let's just eat and head to the track."

Daniel smiled before continuing to speak, Max answering when it was needed but his mind was somewhere else. They went together to the track, their way being interrupted by fans. Once in the paddock, he'd given a look to Ferrari before noticing something was going on. He'd heard Charles' name in someone's mouth and it had been enough to have his attention.

" I hope he's fine…"

" He has been doing a lot this week, he must be tired."

" Usually, you don't faint when you're only tired."

" Where is he ?" Suddenly interrupted Max.

The duet had been surprised, not answering right away which had been irritating. Finally he'd gotten his answer, telling Daniel to go to Red Bull without him before leaving for the medical center. They haven't been cooperative, saying they couldn't tell him anything. It was enough to upset him, asking if he could at least see Charles. His request ended up being denied. He wasn't the type of people who was going to listen. And especially not in this case. He'd waited till he'd finally seen the Monegasque going out, being released.

" Max ?"

" Are you okay ?"

" Yes."

" If you're here, you're not."

" Max, do you really want to do that here ?"

The dutchman had to stay calm, putting aside all his worries and keeping his mind clear. But how could he when it came to someone he loved so deeply ? Everything in him suddenly froze. Loved ? No. It wasn't like that. He'd followed him outside.

" I have to go back to Ferrari."

" Why don't you go back to the hotel to rest ?"

" I'm fine."

" You fainted."

" I didn’t know." Charles ironically answered.

" Don't play with me."

" Please, just forget it. I'm okay. I've just been doing a lot and I didn’t get enough sleep or rest. I'll show up from time to time but I'll mostly stay in the hospitality."

" There is always something. Are you sure you're really fine ?"

" I am, Maxie. Shouldn't you be worried about yourself ?"

" I can't when something happens to you. I-" Max stopped before continuing, " Monza is all about Ferrari and you. I like that for you but I also hate it because I can't be around you."

" I only fainted. What if I had something more serious ?"

" I would end my career to always be with you."  

" Come on, I didn’t say something that would kill me in a month. Don't be so dramatic, you're spending too much time with Lando."

Charles smiled, not taking it seriously. Max would never end such a successful career only for him. He wasn't important enough, he only was the hidden part of a world champion's life. He only was the fool who was deeply in love with a Dutch lion.

" They're waiting for me." The Monegasque had said.

" I'm not driving today. Let me go with you."

" At Ferrari ?"

" Lando always sneak in Red Bull."

" You can try."

Max nodded following Charles to the hospitality, asking if he could just spend a few minutes in. It didn’t go as smooth as he'd initially planned but he finally had what he wanted. They'd met Lando who had asked if he was feeling okay while taking them to his driver room. He'd left both of them in there, saying he would be in Carlos'. Max had stared at him before hugging him so tightly that Charles almost lost his breath.

" I was so worried. I want you to always be fine, I don't want anything to ever happen to you."

" I want the same for you, Max…"

" Please, if you've ever in pain, I want to know. I need to know. I don't want to suddenly heard about it because I can't focus on anything else than you when it's the case. I can't handle something happening to you."

" You're the one who's driving one of the fastest car in the world."

" You would never hide something from me, right ?"

"…No. Would you ?"

" No."

Lies may not last forever but it can for a while. And Charles had no intention of being honest.

Chapter Text

Max had to ignore his want to stay with Charles all day. He may not be driving today but there was always things to do about the team. He also may be quite blind and oblivious about a few things but he felt like the Monegasque was hiding something. Daniel had kindly made fun of him for being so concerned before stopping noticing how it was affecting his friend. Max usually wasn't overreacting but when it was about Charles, everything was so different. When he'd heard he'd fainted, it was like something in him was falling down. It just got worse when they didn’t want to say anything in the medical center, he'd tried his best to stay calm but he would've gone against all rules to just know if he was okay. It was painful to not be around him, it had to happen when everything was about him and when he wasn't at Red Bull. He'd done his best to be attentive of things going on around him but it wasn't enough. How could it affect him so much that he was feeling sick ? Deep down, he knew something wasn't right and it wasn't only coming from him. He'd taken his phone to send him a text.

Max ( 10:49 am )

When are you leaving the track

Charles ( 10:52 am )

Don't know

Max ( 10:53 am )

Tell me when you do

Charles ( 10:55 am )

I told you to not be worried

Max ( 10:58 am )

I just want to sleep against you dickhead

Charles ( 11:04 am )

Dick ?

Max ( 11:07 am )

Dirty mind

Charles ( 11:09 am )

Only for ya Maxie

Max ( 11:11 am )

I can't believe I love you

The driver stared at his phone, his brain slowly processing what he'd just wrote. His heart was beating so fast, he never meant to write this. He wrote it and send it without thinking twice. He was frozen. Charles didn’t answer right away which had made him even more anxious.

Charles ( 11:23 am )

Sweet

love u too dickhead

I'll leave in an hour

Interview is out

Song is out

Max ( 11:25 am )

I'll come in your room after

I'll give it a look

Be careful

Charles ( 11:29 am )

Don't be so worried Maxie I have no intend to die before we get married

I'm kidding don't freak out

Max ( 11:30 am )

You're stupid

The driver went to his driver room since it was the only place where he could be alone, looking for Charles' interview. It wasn't hard to find it, everyone was already talking about it. He'd waited a little before pressing play starting to listen to his sweet voice. It was painful and yet, Max understood it needed to be out because what he had felt, what he had thought and how he'd tried to get over it may help people. The way he was talking about his life becoming his own nightmare for many reason was hurting him. Max knew he had a part in this for rejecting Charles when he was at his lowest. How could he know though ? But it wasn't stopping him to feel bad. He'd been stupid, he still was. All of this was due to a fear that shouldn't be here, not at their time. Liking someone who has the same gender wasn't new anymore. Max disagreed with himself, it had never been new, it was only unspoken. Why ? Because people were acting like his dad. Treating them as it was something bad, a disease. But love, no matter the gender, was love. It was nothing else.

The dutchman suddenly wanted to laugh at himself, he was thinking like this but wasn't able to be fully himself. The person who liked Charles Leclerc, the annoying golden boy who looked so majestic in red, who had talent. The one who had been there for him since he was a teenager no matter how harsh he could be, the same boy who stayed in his thought, in his heart.

 The worst part was certainly the one about Ferrari, how he had reached his dream, reached the goal of Jules' legacy and his dad before he'd to watch everything falling down. How he couldn't bear to hear about Formula one or any motorsport, how he'd stayed out of social media not wanting to hear about anything. However, staying wasn't an option anymore. He was too tired, too weak to continue his career but didn't want to admit it. All the strength he once had disappeared, he was suffocating.

" We've seen you close to Max Verstappen lately. As you may know, Checo Perez will retire at the end of the season. Should we expect to see you in Red bull ?"

" Max had been a great friend for years, it's not unusual to be that close. I want something to be clear, I'll never make a comeback. If I wanted to, It would only be in the team that always had my heart and soul. Ferrari is the team I won my first win with, my world champion title. I do not have any talk with Red bull or Ferrari for a comeback. My career is over, I want people to understand it. Please, don't pressure me into getting back. I won't. I'll support my friends but I'll not race anymore. Lando and Carlos are doing amazing for Ferrari, I'm not worried they'll take the team to its prime because they're already starting."

" Should we expect a move from Max to Ferrari at the end of 2028 ?"

" You shouldn't. He doesn’t even look that good in red."

This simple answer had made him smile. Red wasn't his color, that was right. As he'd told him, Charles never talked about him and their past personal problems. He never thought he would anyway but there wasn't even a hint to it. He'd finished it, it must've been hard but Lando's presence and intervention were making it a little lighter. He then searched for this new song, only having to look at his Instagram stories' and click on the link.

"LEC17"

It used to be Jules' driver number, if he was remembering well. It wasn't surprising, he'd been part of Charles' story. He'd listened to it even if he'd never been that good when it came to understand feeling in melodies. This one was different maybe because he knew that he struggled more than he would admit. He could hear the pain, sorrow and loneliness before getting a hint of recover at the end. Max hoped the next one would be happier. He wasn't even aware if Charles was going to release something more. He'd played another one, the first he'd ever released while looking through the pics of them in the Netherlands. It seemed so far but so close at the same time. It'd been too short. He'd been interrupted by a text in his group chat with his mom and Victoria.

Vic ( 1:04 pm )

Can I post a picture of Charles' trip here to show support of his interview ?

Mom ( 1:09 pm )

It's not much but I want to do it too

Max ( 1:14 pm )

Do what you want, I was about to do it

Mom ( 1:17 pm )

I never expected it would be so deep

Max ( 1:21 pm )

He's good at hiding feelings

Vic ( 1:22 pm )

Take good care of him !

Max rolled up his eyes. That's what he was trying to do. Well, he wasn't the best at it. But at least, he was trying. He'd looked for a picture, finally choosing one Victoria took of them. Nothing related to racing, he could've chose one after their little karting competition but he wanted something out of it. Now, he didn't know what to say. Victoria was the one managing his account, she was the one writing everything, he was only giving his words and then she was making great things. This time, he wanted to do it himself.

You may have been my rival for years, been into a rival team, you've always been one of the best towards me. Thank you for opening up and maybe helping people that are having a hard time in their life. It can happen to anyone, life is unfair.

Sometimes, I miss our rivalry because we've been racing each others since we were young. I support everything you've done for you and for the sake of others. I'm glad to be your friend. Thank you for everything.

See you in the paddock, Leclerc.

No one would say it was the best text ever, it was hard to keep things private and wanting to support someone he cared about so deeply at the same time. He'd posted it, seeing that his sister had already done hers. She was faster and better with words. He'd reposted it before living his driver room, getting back with the team. He'd talked with Christian about something he wanted to do if he was winning the race, the principal had been surprised answering he was going to see if it was possible to do that before taking him somewhere no one could hear them.

" Max. There is something I need to know."

" What ?"

" What is going on between you and Charles ?"

" Nothing."

" You do understand I've been the one getting him a pass for Spa, seen you around him, right ? Your first question after winning the race was only to ask where he was."

Max felt discovered and see through. He'd stared at Christian not knowing what to answer. The way he was asking wasn't making him feel bad or disgusting, it sounded like a genuine question. But saying the truth was too hard.

" I don't mind anything you're doing with him. All I want is to protect you."

" I..I'll need you to cover me."

" Fine. That's all I needed to hear. There is one last thing we need to talk about with the team, you can leave after. I do not want someone else to faint today."

" Thank you."

Max's heart felt a little lighter as he was following his last meeting. He didn’t had to keep it from Christian anymore, he knew it. He was going to protect him. Against who, though ? The media. His dad. Everyone that could hurt them, his career or in an another way. But why would it hurt his image that bad ? It wasn't a bad things, it wasn't like he'd killed someone. But it would be unbelievable for his dad.

During it, he'd received a text from Charles saying he was getting back to the hotel. Once everything was done, the dutchman had lose no time to leave, impatient. At the hotel, he directly went to Charles' room, entering silently. He got closer to the bed, seeing he was already asleep. However, he haven't been that silent since the Monegasque opened his eyes, staring at him.

" I'm sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up."

" Did I sleep too much ?"

" No. Christian told me to leave early."

" Why ?"

" I wasn't doing free practice, it didn’t matter anyway."

Max smiled, getting closer and sitting on the bed before leaving a kiss on his forehead. He was glad that Charles looked better than this morning.

" Do you feel better ?"

"  I do."

" That's great. I've watched your interview and listened to your song. Why did you call it like that ? For Jules ?"

" In a way, yes. But it also was because I was 16, you're 1. Which makes 17. You're also a big part of my story."

Oh. Max was suddenly feeling quite stupid. It was making so much sense but he never expected it.

" It…Makes sense. I don't know what to say."

" Then don't say anything."

" Rude." Max answered with a smile, "  I liked it. It was sad with a hint of joy at the end."

" Never thought you were so sensitive to music."

" I'm not."

" Of course, what was I thinking ?"

" Move so I can lay next to you."

" You're so demanding !"

Charles moved, letting Max lay next to him.

" Christian asked me something."

" To not fight with Pierre ?"

" He could have but no. He asked me…If something was going on between us."

" Oh no, what did you say ? No, what did he say ?"

" That he needed to know to protect me if needed. I said I needed him to do it. That's how he'd let me come back earlier."

" Are you saying…You've agreed there was something going on between us ?"

" I suppose I did."

" Max…"

The Monegasque had taken his hand in his with softness.

" Thank you." Charles added, " You don't know how much it means to me. I love you so much that it hurts."

" I don't want it to hurt."

" It's only a way of speaking. I told you to stop being so worried, you're worst than my mom !"

" I can't help it." Max answered, " Do you want to go out and eat ?"

" Us ? Eating outside while Tifosi wants your head and everyone wants to see me ?"

" Well…Most of them are still at the track. It's now or never."

" You must pay for it then."

" Taking advantage of me ? You're evil. But whatever you want. Get ready, I'll go back into my room and change. Better if I don't wear Red Bull shirt."

" Yes, you look even more like the Max Verstappen everyone knows."

" Thank you Charles. I didn't know."

" My pleasure."

Max had kissed him before getting up telling Charles to wait at the reception of the hotel and going back in his room. He'd changed his clothes, choosing a simple outfit. He'd checked his phone, noticing his dad had called. He chose to avoid and ignore it. He already knew what he was going to say and he didn’t need any of it. After leaving his room, he'd to wait in the hall for Charles. It'd left him the time to think. They must go with his car, Charles' Ferrari was too famous and recognizable to go out. When the Monegasque showed up, he seemed to have think about it as well but had other plans. He wanted to eat in a restaurant that was quite close but in a pedestrian road. Max didn't care, he knew that people would recognize them no matter what by car or walking. If that was Charles wanted then, he would go there. They'd left the hotel, walking next to each other.

" Victoria and your mom texted me."

" They've seen the interview, they wanted to support you."

" I've seen they made a post and you did too. Thank you, you didn’t had to show me public support, we could've talked about it privately."

" I wanted to. It wasn't right to not talk about it. And I was thinking every words I wrote."

" I have no doubts about it. Daniel stayed at the track ?"

" He did. It's not like he's in an unknown place. He was having the time of his life when I left."

" I think he's more likely giving the time of their life to people around him."

" That's Daniel's effect. Lando is quite good at it too."

They'd been stopped, a boy having recognized them as they'd thought. It went fine, he'd asked for a picture and an autograph. He'd respectfully left after talking a little. Charles was smiling as he'd resumed his walk.

" That's the fan I like. Respectful and not crazy."

" You had so much crazy fans."

" You can talk, yours are crazier."

" That's false !"

" It's true."

The Monegasque laughed, leading him where he wanted to go. They'd finally reached the restaurant, getting their table quick enough. They went through the menu with seriousness, ordering almost right after. Now, they'd to wait.

" Why did you want to take me out ?" Charles asked.

" To spend time with you in Italy."

" Max.. Why are you so…. What you texted me, did you really mean it ?"

He knew what he was talking about. But he avoided it.

" That you were stupid ? Yes."

" You know what I meant."

" I… I think I mean it."

" Why now ?" 

" Because I can barely imagine myself without you at this point."

Charles had stared at the driver. Did he ever expect that ? No. He'd dreamed of it but he'd never thought it would ever become true. Max was saying all he'd wanted to hear. The dutchman didn't know why he suddenly became so talkative about his feelings, he felt like Charles needed it. Maybe he needed it too. He'd kept everything inside for so long, there was so much more he haven't shared yet. Max gave up. He needed to be honest or he would always regret it. If he wasn't at this point, he would just go crazy. He already felt like he was with all those new feelings and want he had. He'd understood it, hoping it wasn't too late.

" I never thought I was such a good kisser."

" It's not that. You… feel like home."

" You know I've waited all my life to hear that ?"

" I know. "

" Are we just Max and Charles right now ?"

" We are."

" So, just Max, what are you going to do while you're waiting for Singapore race ?"

" I'll be in Monaco, spending time with a Monegasque who's quite annoying. Only if he's okay with it though."

" He may be okay if he can stay at your place and play with your cats."

" That's a reasonable condition. I'll be okay with it."

Imagining it was making his heart flutter. Something casual but soft and enjoyable. Charles in his apartment with the cats, being able to stay at his side as much as he would want. It sounded perfect.

" Amazing."

" Come with me."

" I'm here already and I'm close in Monaco."

" To Singapore. Red bull isn't against you coming."

" Spa and Singapore.. Isn't it too much ?"

" It's not."

" I don't know. Let me think about it."

" You don't want to ?"

" I'm only thinking about what you're gonna do If your dad is saying something."

" Let's forget him for now."

Charles held back a sigh, forgetting Jos was hard because he could do anything at any time. Max was trying hard to convince himself it wasn't a problem and he could see it but Jos was. He'd always been the biggest problem in Max's life. Not letting him do what he wanted, always blaming for everything, never focused on the good things he was doing but on the mistakes instead. They were about to be 30, Max shouldn't care anymore but he did. Charles couldn't blame him despite what he'd done, Jos was still his father. 30. Times flied so fast.

They'd gotten their order, talking while eating. It seemed so casual and soft. Charles was taking it as a date even if the driver haven't said it this way. It was all he'd ever wanted but now, he was afraid. Max was suddenly giving so much when he never did before. He haven't said anything about it, enjoying the moment they were spending together.

" I've heard you were the one giving the pole tomorrow."

" You're right. I hope I'll not give it to you."

" That's rude. But you want to give it to your team. I understand."

" I hope I'll bring them some luck about winning our home race."

" Our ? They'll always be in your heart, right ?"

" Always. I may have lose with them but they're the team I won with. They were like my family, I love them, the color."

" Your eyes are still shining when you talk about them."

" It'll always be I suppose."

" I once imagined myself in red."

" Did you ? I mean, Seb had always said that everybody was a Ferrari fan deep down."

" I did because I was your teammate, I've dreamt about us winning Monza in red. I didn’t end up first but being on the podium with you was enough."

" I wish it could happen. I really do. I miss us."

" It's harder because we used to race each other for almost forever."

" Yes… But I enjoy watching you racing. It's stressing me because I know how dangerous it can be but…I like it. It's hard to sit there and be a spectator when you're not used to it."

" I wonder how hard it can be to be retired. It's saying goodbye to a huge part of our life."

" You reached your goal of being the best."

" I only wanted to win everything. I felt relieved when I got my first title. I felt like I reached what I needed to and I could finally be more relaxed about my career."

" Controversial title."

" It still is. But it doesn't matter anymore, I proved I deserved it."

" You did." Charles smiled, " Should we get a dessert ?"

" I have quali tomorrow, remember ?"

" I do. I'll get a dessert since it's on you even if you don't take one."

" Use my money as much as you want."

" Oh, that's what having a sugar daddy make people feels. Amazing."

" I'm only resident of Monaco, you're Monegasque."

" Being Monegasque doesn’t mean being rich, Max."

" If you say so, take advantage of my money then."

Charles giggled, ordering a dessert while Max was staring at him. Racing used to make him feel alive. What was giving him this feeling at the moment was looking at Charles and being around him.

After Max had paid for their dinner, they'd left the restaurant meeting some more fans this time. Their freedom had been short but they had it anyway. The dutchman stayed close to Charles, kindly making fun of him by saying he should be careful to not have his watch stolen. The people who'd heard it had laughed just like Charles who perfectly understood why he'd said this. They would've liked to walk around in the city but it was too risky, they would meet too much fans at this hour. Instead, they went back to the hotel. In the lobby, Charles had noticed Sebastian passing by, the German had seen him stopping his walk and going to them.

" I heard you fainted. Are you okay ?" Sebastian asked.

" I am. I was tired and stressed."

" It's nice to see you again, Max. What were you doing ?"

" Nice to see you too. We went to eat."

" Great. Charles, Can we talk ?"

The Monegasque nodded, Max may be a fool sometimes but he felt like it was going to be about him. He excused himself, saying he was going to go back to his room before leaving. He first went in his room to take some stuff before going to Charles'. Sebastian wasn't different as he used to be towards him unlike Pierre. However, he could understand. They'd been friends for years and Max had hurt him in the past, he must only be worried. He'd sighed, getting into the room with lots of thoughts. He'd taken a shower before playing some videos games while waiting. He needed to think of something else. Charles came back after what was a long time, surprised to see him.

" I thought you would be in your room."

" I should be. Did it go well ?"

" No worries about that. What are you playing ?"

" Fifa."

" I don't even know why I asked. Let me take a shower real quick and I'll play with you."

Max nodded going back to his game. Their conversation must have not be that terrible, Charles wasn't showing anything. As he'd said, he came back quickly playing with him. Despite getting older, they haven't changed. They were still competitive, trying to win no matter what. They didn't realize how long they'd played but it was too much.

" Fuck Max, it's late !"

" It's not !" He answered before realizing, " Oh fuck."

" Okay Maxie, time to turn it off and sleep."

" I don't think we've kissed enough."

" I told you I was a great kisser."

" Stop that."

" No."

" See, you're the one keeping us awake !"

" Childish."

" What about it ?"

Charles rolled up his eyes, turning off everything. He then looked at Max.

" Now, go to lay."

" Wow, you give me orders ?"

" You need discipline, Maxie."

The Monegasque was saying it for fun but it made Max feel something weird. He was liking it. Should he just play along and see how it was going to end ? Yes, it could be pretty fun.

" I may do…Sir."

Charles raised his eyebrow, not expecting such an answer. The dutchman was staying serious, staring at him.

" We need to sleep, Max."

" Do we ?"

" You're unbelievable."

" That's what people say."

" We can do that little game another day."

" But that will be less fun."

" It'll be the same. But Maxie, I never expected you to like such thing."

" Yeah, me neither."

" Let's continue this little game tomorrow."

" Not funny."

" Nope."

Max was disappointed. He watched Charles getting into the bed before kissing him, the Monegasque embracing him tightly. He then whispered him a good night, putting an end to this day.

The next day despite Max getting up rather early for him, Charles wasn't here anymore just like the day before. It was irritating but he went on, getting ready and meeting the team. He'd acted as always, preparing the quali and not hearing anything related to Charles, even at the track. He haven't seen him either nor Lando or Carlos. Instead, he'd seen Sebastian who was peacefully going around.

" Sebastian !" Max called.

The German stopped, letting him getting closer with a smile.

" Max. How are you doing today ?"

" I'm fine. But…

" You want to know why I wanted to talk with Charles yesterday."

" No… Yes."

" Do you think we can talk in Red Bull's hospitality ?"

" Sure. You're part of us."

They went into the hospitality, Seb talking a little bit with everyone. After that, they went to his driver room. Max chose to not talk first.

" I've heard about your argument with Pierre."

" You must've heard about his with Charles too then."

" I did. I'm not here to scold you, Max. I know what's happening, I know what Charles' feelings are for you."

" I never wanted to hurt him that bad."

" Don't blame yourself. I wanted to talk with him because I was concerned but not only about you. You know you'll hurt him again in the future, right ? We all hurt others and people we like even with the smallest things."

" Seb. If I ask you something…Will you be honest ?"

" I don't know till you ask."

" I'm concerned about him, his health. I feel like Pierre and Carlos knows and I'm the only one who doesn’t."

" Even if it was the case, it's not my role to say something like that. Did you ask him ?"

" He told me I was too worried."

" Are you ? I heard you angrily went into the medical center after he fainted."

" I didn’t go angrily."

" It's showing you care. You're a good person but when it comes to your dad, there is issues. You're living something you never thought you would, there is lots of new feelings. You should try to understand yourself before trying to understand Charles. To be clear, you both need to work on yourself but separately."

" Are we… not good for each other ?"

" It'll all depends on how you both will manage what will happen in the future."

They'd continued to talk before they finally let go of each other, going their own way. Max had seen Lando who was walking through the paddock. When he got closer, He'd noticed the brit red cheeks.

" Are you okay ?"

" I have fever."

" What the fuck is going on with Monza and Ferrari ? Is everyone gonna feel like shit ?"

" I don't know. Why am I always the one ending up sick ?"

" You're weak."

" Thank you Max."

" My pleasure."

" I'll go back in the hospitality. See you."

" Try to stay alive."

" Try to not kill anyone for Charles."

" Pff."

Lando smiled a little, leaving to get some rest into his driver room before quali. Max was wondering where Charles was and what he was doing. As he was walking, he'd noticed Pierre who stared at him as if he was the most wanted person in the world. When was it gonna end ? Max didn't care anyway. He suddenly heard someone calling him, recognizing Carlos. He was seeing everyone but Charles.

" Max."

" What's going on ?"

" Did you see Lando ?"

" I did."

" With Oscar ?"

" No. He wasn't feeling well."

" Oh."

" Why do you look so concerned about Oscar lately ? Are you finally jealous ?"

" I have some reasons to be concerned."

" I feel quite kind today, I'm ready to listen."

" Don't you think he's weird ?"

" Oscar has always been weird."

" I think he likes Lando."

" Of course he does. But it doesn't matter, you both are engaged or not, I don't know anymore."

" It does matter when he's becoming pushy and Lando doesn't see it."

" Talk to him then. Nothing will ever happen between them anyway. He isn't even his type."

" Is it supposed to be comforting ?"

" No."

" That's what I thought."

" Go and find him before Oscar does."

" You're the worst."

" Yeah, that's what they say. He's in your hospitality."

Max evilly laughed before leaving, going back to his own business while Carlos went back to Ferrari's hospitality. Everything went as usual till he went to the pit lane, noticing some agitation from the red team and spectators. He'd seen Charles wearing his race suit which gave him a feeling of nostalgia but also some comfort. He couldn’t hold back a smile staring at him, getting closer.

" Charles ! Nice suit."

" Not surprised you like it."

" Why are you though ?"

" I'm gonna drive my old car for the fans."

" Are you ? Which one ?"

" The one I won Monza with the first time."

" Nostalgic."

" It is."

" But I won't be with you on the track this time, I'll just wait for you at the finish line."

" Cute."

" Which helmet did you chose ? The last one ?"

" You know me well." Charles smiled, " The beginning and the end."

" I never thought I would see you with your suit again."

" Yeah, I know you really liked the one I wore in Monaco 2023."

" Really nice design." Max answered, " Why weren't you there this morning ?"

" Because I had things to do. I know you easily miss me but still."

" You're like those one night stand, you aren't there anymore when morning come."

" Oh wow, that's rough." The Monegasque laughed, " We haven't done anything, how can you compare me to a one night stand ? Did it happen to you a lot ?"

" I've never really been a fan of it so not really."

" I'll be there tomorrow, don't worry." He whispered with a smile.

" I should let you go now."

" You should. It's not like we can sneak out of everyone's attention."

" Yes, I can feel everyone's eyes on us."

" Maybe they think you're gonna fight with me like Pierre ?"

" Stop that. I didn’t even do anything. Carlos stopped me before I did."

" Wonderful." Charles giggled.

Max stared at him, wanting to get closer and kiss him but he couldn’t in front of all those people. He knew the Monegasque would've never been against it. He was already doing too much and he knew It. However, it was something he couldn’t control anymore. Hiding was starting to be harder than he'd ever thought.

" What time will you be in your car ?"

" Well… In 10 minutes."

" Oh. I'll stay and watch you then."

" Don't you have things to do ?"

" Not your concern."

" Actually it is because it's affecting your mood Maxie."

" It's not ! Go back to Ferrari."

" I don't like orders unlike you Verstappen."

" Don't !"

" Don't play with me then." Charles smiled, " See you."

Max rolled up his eyes as the Monegasque walked away. The driver went back at Red Bull even If it was only for a few minutes, talking with the mechanics. After seeing Charles leaving Ferrari with his helmet, he got closer to the track to see him waving at all the people who were there. The dutchman smiled while looking at him getting into the car. It was like going back to their younger years, when they were at their highest of rivalry and yet, were friends. Well, not in 2019 because they kind of wanted to fight each other but they made up after and everything went fine. For a while.

Most of the drivers came to see the Monegasque including Lando who came despite his fever. Max sighed. The brit had this thing of racing even if he was sick. He was no one to blame his friend though, he used to do the same still was. They'd watched Charles doing his 2 laps in this car and team he cherished so much. He then stopped in front of them, staying in his car for a while before getting out.

Max knew Charles was thinking of the life he had before, of all the wonderful moment he had, Jules, his dad. If he was ready to retire and satisfied with what he'd achieved, it wasn't the Monegasque case. He deserved so much more than what he'd got. Max wished he could give him everything he'd ever wanted or dreamed of but he unfortunately didn't had such power.

His thoughts were terrifying. He loved Charles and it was terrifying to think what he would do for him. He was afraid of how tempting everything was when it came to him, ignoring his own rationale and just do everything to stay close to the Monegasque. But how could a heart like Charles' loves a heart like his ? Something inside him was screaming he wasn't deserving such a kind soul.

His father would agree for sure but not for the same reason. It wouldn't be because he didn’t deserve it but because something like this shouldn't exist between them.  

But Charles had always looked at him as if there was something in him that was worth to look at unlike a lot.

He didn’t know why he was suddenly thinking so much about it when there was absolutely no context, only staring at the Monegasque. He felt trapped. Charles had stole his unlikeable heart, he couldn’t deny it anymore. However, as much as he wanted to be honest with his friends and family, he wasn't ready to tell people.

There was also the fact he was still racing. Lando and Carlos despite dating for 3 years and being engaged, never said it publicly, keeping their relationship as a secret because FIA was shit. F1 fans would also become crazy, the brit already getting enough death threat and bad comments about anything. Max wasn't someone who cared about those things but maybe he would if it was about his sexuality or who he chose to be with. He would easily get in trouble if he needed to protect Charles from stupid people.

But would he if it was his dad ?

His thoughts were stopped when he'd heard Charles' voice starting a speech to the crowd. He'd listened, hearing his voice becoming more and more shaky. It wasn't good. Max was attentively staring at him before he stopped talking, tears falling down his cheeks.

The Monegasque lowered his heard trying to hide it. It was so hard to be infront of everyone acting as if nothing happened but knowing he would never get anything back. He felt someone hugging him, surprised.

" It's going to be ok, I promise you."

Max. This time, Max was there for him. This time, he didn’t let him down. In front of so much people, he was there comforting him. He'd felt others person hugging him, showing their support. Did he made the right decision when he'd left after learning he was sick without telling anyone ? Maybe. But he was older and may see things differently. He shouldn’t regret things he'd done or his choices since it seemed to be the best things to do back then. When they'd let him go, Charles ended his speech with the drivers around him. As they were coming back to the pit lane, Lando gently hitting his back.

" You did well."

" Well done, kid." Lewis said.

They all had a word for him, including Pierre who'd make a step towards him. He only smiled thanking him. He needed some time for himself, taking advantage of quali that were starting soon enough. He stayed in Lando's driver room, ignoring his phone. He wanted to not think about anything.

Max on his side was concerned but he understood his feelings and his need to be alone. Despite his want to be with him, he had to be reasonable and give him space. Hed had to be thoughtful. Sebastian told him they had to work on themselves separately and maybe right now was a part of it. He'd talked with the team about quali but checking his phone from time to time to be sure Charles haven't texted him.

Once in his car, he had to stay focused on performance. He had to get pole, knowing the Monegasque was the one he was going to see at the end but mostly for the team. He wanted to give them another winning year, do as much as he could. And that's what he'd done, giving everything he had, getting the pole he wanted. No one was able to stop him. When he'd seen Charles' face, his world became brighter as he got closer.

" I told you I was going to get it."

" Stealing it from my team, how rude."

Max giggled, watching him sign before doing the same and take a picture as usual. Now, he unfortunately had to go through media duty which he hated the most. He knew Charles was going to live sooner than him but he intended to leave as soon as possible. It was always what he was doing. Everyone knew he was coming late but left early. No one was surprised anymore.

However as he was about to leave, Chares had texted him saying that he was out with some people but he could wait for his return in his room. Max wasn't pleased but answered he would wait there. He sighed, not as impatient to get back at the hotel. It sucked. Charles was out. But with who ? No, it wasn't the time to be jealous. He had to use all his strength to not ask. He felt quite alone once in the hotel room but also didn’t want to go out. He chose to watch a movie which ended before Charles' comeback. Now it was too much. He'd texted asking when he was coming back but didn’t get an answer. Every minutes felt longer than it really was in reality. When the Monegasque finally answered, Max had hit himself with his phone by accident but it didn’t matter. But the answer wasn't what he'd been expecting, he was going to be alone for a while. He was missing him. Knowing he was so close but not with him was upsetting. He'd fallen asleep at some point, waking up when he'd heard the door.

" Charles ?..."

" Yes, go back to sleep."

" You're late."

" Not that much, don't be dramatic. Sleep, I'll change and sleep with you."

" I'm waiting."  

Maw did wait for the Monegasque to finally be next to him before closing his eyes again. Charles kissed him, the driver smiling and falling asleep once again hoping this time when he was going to wake up in the morning, Charles would be there.

Well. It didn’t happen.

Later, he headed to the track alone doing the same things as the last years. He had to have a clear mind for the race. It wouldn’t be a problem but still. Lately if anything was going wrong when it was about Charles, his mind became chaos. Christian had warned him to stay focused, the dutchman almost feeling offended. As if he hadn't proved his worth by winning his titles. The Monegasque passed by Red Bull, greeting everyone with a wide smile. He'd talked with the staff, Max watching him from afar. The driver tried to discreetly catch his attention which he did. Charles had ended his conversations to go to him.

" Don't worry, I couldn't forget to say hi."

" I hope so ! We've welcomed you in Spa, nice to see you even in the wrong colors."

" Can't you just say hi as well ?"

" No."

" Rude."

" You're just weak."

" Indeed. If you're merciful enough, do you have sweets ?"

" In my driver room. Lando left them yesterday."

" Oh. I can steal them then."

" You can. Follow me, traitor."

" Cry baby."

They got into the driver's room, Max shutting the door. He stared at Charles for a short moment before kissing him. The Monegasque chuckled.

" I really want my sweets."

" You're the worst."

" Yeah, I know."

Charles smiled giving him a smack before taking one of the sweets Lando had left the day before.

" Are you aware that you talk in your sleep ?" He asked.

" Lando once told me I do."

" It's fun. You're saying nonsense sometimes."

" What do I say ?"

" No fun if I tell you. I'll go now ! Thanks for the candies, Maxie !"

" Gimme a kiss first, Leclerc."

" Oh my baby, if you don't you'll not feel well ?"

" Baby ?" Max asked.

" I shouldn't give you a nickname because I haven't been called a pretty sunshine for too long."

Charles laughed giving him a last kiss, leaving before he could do anything.

" Bye bye Maxie !"

The Monegasque had left Red bull while eating his candy, going around in the pitlane and meeting his old friends. He had pretty much free time to spend here anyway.

Charles was thinking about Max's and his sleeping habit of talking that was fun. Most of the time he'd heard few words, barely full sentences. He was also calling his name a lot which was heartwarming. Even in his dream, Charles was there. It sounded cheesy but it also showed how soft Max was.

He'd eaten his last candy, he was feeling too bad today. Tired as always but it had been so much worst than that. It was better, allowing him to enjoy his week-end and do lots of things. Well, Friday had been quite a mess when he'd fainted but it was a small detail. He'd noticed Pierre getting closer, making him stop.

" What do you want ?"

" I'm sorry."

" Are you ? You were pretty sure of what you were saying last time."

" I really am."

" I've heard you excuses, I'll think about it."

" I was worried about you that's all."

" There is no need to talk about it anymore. You should keep your mind clear for the race."

After a last look at his friend he'd left going back to Ferrari. He waited for the race to start, hoping the red would win but a part of him also wanted Max to win so they could celebrate it together. When it finally started, everything had been surprisingly great but as most of the time, Max was dominating. Charles wasn't sure his team would be able to take the win but a podium was the best of the worst cases. He'd carefully watched the race, trying to get every details.

As they'd all thought, Max won despite having some difficulties with Lando right behind him. He'd followed the team to get to the podium, succeeding to get at the front. He'd congratulated Lando with a wide smile, seeing Max hugging Christian with proudness as if he wasn’t used to it. He'd watched them doing the quick interview before suspiciously see Max getting closer to him. He wasn't sure what he should expect, the dutchman gently hugging him before staring at him.

" Come."

" Come ?" Charles repeated, " What do you mean ?"

" Get over the barrier, you're coming with me ! Hurry up !"

The Monegasque was confused, forced by the driver to get over the barrier before following him.

" I'm not allowed."

" No worries. You are. We've made it work."

" We ?"

" Mostly Christian though."

" Oh… But I don't understand, why are you doing that ?"

" Stop asking question, we have to get on our podium."

Our ? Charles wasn't understanding anything but he followed, Max's grip on his wrist to lead him where he wanted. Now, they were waiting to get onto this podium that wasn't his, Lando behind him whispered in his ear.

" I told you he was in love. Don't you trust me now ?"

Charles didn’t answer as Max was dragging him to the podium, shaking hands with the people who were there. They'd gotten on the first step of the podium next to each other.

" Max…"

" Enjoy it. It is our victory. At least there is some red at the top."

" Thank you." Charles had finally answered, " I never thought I would be on a podium ever again."

" I know."

They'd listened to the national anthem before getting the trophies, the Monegasque taking it for Max like he'd asked. Max had put his hand on Charles' putting their arms in the air to show the trophy to all the people. The dutchman didn’t care Charles taking the trophy nor spraying the champagne. He only wanted to give him some happiness, it wasn't much. His dad would not like it and must've already tried to call him but for once, he chose to do what his heart really wanted. Seeing how Charles was enjoying it was heartwarming, it was all he wanted.

The Monegasque had sprayed him in champagne before almost emptying the bottle on his head with a laugh that he would never forget. He wished everything could stays like this. 

Chapter Text

Charles returned home without Max after Monza, having appointment he couldn’t miss. During his visit at the hospital, he’d asked if he could maybe go to Singapore. She smiled saying that they would have to do a blood test once again to be sure he was going to be fine and if it was enough, he could go without any problem. The Monegasque smiled back, happy to hear that. This time, the last results weren’t bad at least nothing lowered.

It was relieving and it’ll be for his family too. They’d been worried when he’d left for Monza maybe fearing he would disappear once again. What he did wasn’t fair back then since he haven’t only left his friends behind him but also them for a long time. He had to have time for himself, for his family and for Max who was demanding. It was the thing with the driver, all or nothing. Quite extreme but it suited his personality.

What he’d done for him in Monza had been a meaningful thing. It was risky after they’d been spotted at the restaurant, Max’s tantrum after he fainted and the way he came to hug him when he broke down in front of everyone. Charles wasn’t concerned about himself, he didn’t care about anything anymore. Being outed wouldn’t be a problem, he was already out of everything related to racing and his closest friends plus his family were aware of it. But it was totally different for Max. He had a career, a team, sponsors and his dad behind him. He also knew the dutchman didn’t care about any of those but Jos. He’d always been the biggest problem of Max’s life anyway even if he wasn’t seeing it himself. He’d always been concerned of how casually Max was explaining moments of his childhood with him when it sounded horrible like this time he’d been left a gas station in Italy.

Charles also started to be concerned about something. Max was being suspicious about his health. His questions weren’t for nothing and if it was continuing this way, he would be discovered. Arthur had advised him to tell the truth because Max would discover it one day or another when Charles wouldn’t been able to hide it anymore.

At first, he had no intention of getting so close to Max after coming back. However, they did and even more that he would’ve ever thought. He didn’t want anyone to know he was sick because it was stupidly something he was ashamed of. However now, he was afraid of Max’s reaction. Yes, it would be better to tell I’m and he was aware of it. But he’d seen him so worried for what he would have called trivial thing that it made him concerned of how he would react to have a confirmation of illness.

As he was leaving the hospital, he’d checked his phone seeing Max had sent him a few text inviting him for lunch. Charles smiled, answering quickly saying he was going to pick him up since he was already out. The Monegasque then answered to a few text before going to Max’s place, the driver already waiting. The dutchman got into the car with a smile, giving him a kiss since he’d seen no one around.

“ What were you doing to already be out ?” Max asked.

“ You’re so curious, Maxy.”

“ That’s not curiosity. Are you free tonight ?”

“ If I say no you’re going to sulk so my only option is to say yes.”

“ You’re totally right.”

Charles laughed driving them to the restaurant Max wanted. He wasn’t gonna lie, he loved this casual situation. Going to lunch with him and then staying together at Max’s house with his cats because that’s what he must’ve thought about. They quickly ordered before starting to eat under Monaco’s sun that Charles missed so much.

“ What about going on boat today ?”

“ Yours or mine ?” Charles asked.

“ It doesn’t matter.”

“ Sounds great.”

“ And tonight we can go home together.”

“ Aw, are we going to do a pajama’s party ?”

“ Fuck you.”

“ You wish.”

Max rolled up his eyes, continuing to eat as they talked about other things. Charles was staring at Max most of the time, enjoying to see him looking happy. If they could be like that everyday, it would be the best life he could’ve had.

“ It’s your birthday soon.” Charles stated.

“ It’s yours soon too.”

“ 16 days apart.”

“ It’s always 16 with you.”

“ That’s destiny.” He chuckled.

After their lunch, the Monegasque followed Max’s ideas since he wanted to go to sea. He was pretty sure the dutchman would most likely enjoy jet ski while he was going to stay on the yacht. It wasn’t bothering. They finally ended on Max’s yacht, Charles discovering it with some curiosity.

“ I can see where F1 money goes.”

“ You can thank the RB18.”

“ This car was a monster. It gave me nightmares.”

“ I think Ferrari shit car and strategy did. Not only my car.”

“ Yeah everything together was the worst thing ever.”

Max had let him pilot the yacht, doing whatever he wanted. After immobilizing it, the dutchman back hugged him leaving a kiss in his neck.

“ Let’s change so we can go in the water.”

“ If you want to see me naked you can just ask.” Charles answered.

“ We have plenty of time to get naked anyway.”

“ Oh so it’s planned ?”

“ It may be.”

“ You’re becoming so naughty, Maxie.”

“ I’ve always been.”

The Monegasque laughed, following him to get change. It wasn’t like they haven’t seen each other’s bodies already. Max didn’t let him go after they got change, kissing him again and again.

“ I thought you wanted to enjoy sea.” Charles said.

“ We have time for it.” Max answered before kissing him once more.

After a while, they finally got out. The dutchman had pushed Charles in the water shamelessly before going in it too with a laugh. They enjoyed their time together doing lots of things even if the Monegasque was starting to be tired at some point. He didn’t care wanting to have a great time. He may be “good” but he still had to be careful. However as Max was doing another round of Jet ski, Charles had fell asleep while looking at him. When he’d opening his eyes, it was because Max was calling him. They were back in the harbor. He yawned, going to get change before going back to the car and letting the dutchman driving because he didn’t want to.

Max drove them back home, Charles doing his best to not fall asleep again in the car. He’d greeted Sassy and Jimmy who’d heard them came in. The driver stared at him with a smile.

“ If you’re tired, you can sleep. I don’t mind.”

“ No, I don’t want to cancel our pajama’s party !”

“ You only have to spend tomorrow night with me too.”

“ Smooth way to ask. I like it. I don’t have anything planned.”

“ Amazing. Are you hungry ?”

“ Not really. I’ll take a nap and then we can watch a movie if you want.”

“ So cheesy.”

“ Fine, I’ll sleep till tomorrow then.”

“ Don’t be so dramatic.”

“ Can I borrow some clothes ?”

“ Act as if it was your home I don’t care. Just don’t kill the cats, everything else is fine.”

“ Who do you think I am ? I’ll never arm those sweet babies.”

“ I’m kidding !”

Charles rolled up his eyes, going to Max’s room and taking some clothes he would feel great in to sleep. He’d taken a quick shower before going in Max’s bed, setting up an alarm an hour later. It didn’t take a minute before he fell asleep again.

However when he’d opened his eyes, Max was next to him peacefully sleeping. He’d checked his phone seeing it was 4am. But his phone had never rang or did he not hear it ? Yes, he’d been tired but not that much did he ? He didn’t need to think more for now, it was too early to wake up anyway. He got closer to Max who moved a little, mumbling.

“ Lando…Shut up…”

Charles giggled. Even when he was sleeping, he had to think about Lando and how he couldn’t stop talking about anything. It was funny. The Monegasque snuggled against him falling asleep quite easily. Maybe he was more tired than he wanted to admit.

The next day and as always, Max was ecstatic. He wanted to do this and that while Charles was trying to follow him as much as he could but he was hard to handle. It was hard to believe that he also used to have such a life. It seemed way too fast now. He’d managed to survive for the day before Lando called him remembering they’d planned to play together. With Max and all the things he wanted to do, it just got out of his mind. For the dutchman it wasn’t a problem, he could do it at home.

“ Everyone knows it’s your home, Lando already streamed there.”

“ What about it ? If Lando already did it it’s okay. You’re also my friend to everyone.”

“ If you’re fine with it, I am too. So we’re friend ?”

“ You know we aren’t.”

“ What are we then ?”

“ …We…Uh…”

Charles got closer, his hands behind his back with a smile. It was the right time. All he’d ever wanted might be his after a short question.

“ Should I ask you first ?”

“ I-“

“ I’m kinda in love with you. And I really want to call you my sugar daddy. Oh sorry I meant my boyfriend. Would you accept it ?”

“ You waited more than a decade for it and that’s how you ask ?”

“ I have to match your energy, you freak out when it becomes too serious.”

“ I want it.”

The Monegasque’s smile got wider, kissing him with so much love that Max felt overwhelmed. After so much time away from each other, so much disappointment and fears, Max finally got what he really wanted. That was it now, they were boyfriends. He was Charles Leclerc’s boyfriend. But more importantly Charles was his.

“ I should go and join Lando.”

“ He can wait a bit more.”

“ Uhmm… I imagine he can.”

He answered before Max kissed him, hugging him so tightly that he may not be able to breath for long. The driver didn’t want to let him go. When Lando had called, Charles answered he would be online in 5 minutes. He hung up, staring at Max.

“ I play with him a little and then I’m all yours.”

“ You should always be mine.”

“ Oh Maxie, don’t be so possessive, it doesn’t suit you.” Charles answered, “ I’m stealing your streaming room, see ya !”

Charles was a liar. It suited Max and he felt happy to see him like that. It was proving he cared about him. The Monegasque went to the room starting his own stream and finally joining Lando’s. They played together a few different game, Charles being attacked at some point by Sassy who’d thought the best spot to sleep was on his shoulder. So that’s what having cats looked like. Lots of troubles. He’d streamed for less than 2 hours knowing Max couldn’t handle more because of how impatient he was. He’d ended the stream, the dutchman showing up almost instantly.

“ You’re finally done !”

“ Were you spying on me ?”

“ I was watching.”

“ You’re really that impatient ?”

“ No.”

“ Liar.”

Max had helped him to get up, taking him to the living room where he’d already set up things to eat and a blanket for their movie night. Charles smiled acknowledging all the effort he was doing. Max had taken drinks before they went to sit on the couch. They’d started their movie while being against each other. However, Max’s attention had been quickly taken by Charles who was carefully watching. He’d put a kiss in his hair then his cheek.

“ I thought we were watching the movie.”

“ Who said that ?” Max answered.

The Monegasque wasn’t surprised, giving the kisses back. Their attention was now on each other, their kisses becoming hotter and Max was dying for it. All he wanted was to feel Charles’ skin against his, his warmth, his lips on his body. He’d fantasied it so much even dreaming about it once. It’d been one of his more shameful dream and secret but now, it wasn’t anymore. Because Charles was driving him crazy by only being there, breathing, looking at him with those beautiful and lovely watercolored eyes. They were kissing over and over again till they couldn’t breath anymore.

“ Charles, I-“ Max started, “ There is no fucking way I’m gonna do this on the couch in front of the cats.”

Charles stared at him not being able to hold back a laugh in such a situation. It was unexpected and yet, it suited him.

“ Who said we were gonna do anything ?”

The Monegasque asked, keeping his face close to his. Max’s eyes were almost begging for it but he didn’t say anything. So he wanted to get further and he looked sure of himself.

“ Please, don’t play with me like that.”

“ Oh Maxie, you really want it do you ?”

“ Yes.” He answered in a breath.

Charles gave him a kiss, taking his hand and dragging the driver with him in the bedroom. Max’s heart was racing almost not realizing what he was about to do. He was feeling anxious and shy as if he was redoing his first time. In a way, it was. He’d never done it with a man and never thought he would. But it was Charles and everything was different. So different and yet so likeable. He’d let the Monegasque leading him, enjoying every touch, kiss, shiver. Charles was sweet but knew perfectly what he was doing and knew how to drive him crazier than he already was. It wasn’t rushed but not too slow either, it was perfect. Their clothes were quickly gone, Max looking and admiring Charles’ body. He felt lucky to have him, to be able to look at him.

“ Don’t look too much at me.”

“ Why ?”

“ I don’t like my body anymore.”

“ I love it. You’re perfect.”

Max didn’t care if the Monegasque was thinner, chubbier or anything else. He was beautiful no matter what and he would always love it. Maybe when he was going to leave F1, he would gain weight and that was perfectly fine. If he was insecure then he would reassure him every time he could.

“ Don’t forget you can stop if you don’t want it anymore.”

The dutchman nodded but he was sure of himself. It wasn’t an uncomfortable situation but more likely a shy one because it was new. For once he wasn’t the one leading or controlling what was going on. He was giving himself as a whole with confidence. He’d already done foreplay with Charles before so it wasn’t something new, the Monegasque perfectly knew where he was the most sensitive and was taking care advantage of it. Back then he’d been quite afraid to go further but he’d taken the time to think about it before making his decision. It wasn’t something rushed like some stuff he could’ve done in the past. Max was losing it, his body craving for more and he was getting it. It wasn’t just fucking for fucking. It wasn’t that at all, he would never even think about it as fucking but more likely as making love with someone you have so much feelings for. His mind was cloudy, not really knowing what to do anymore under a pleasure he never had before. He’d never repeated Charles’ name so much or maybe he did in is dream but it wasn’t important right now. When they reached the next step, the Monegasque sweetly told him to stay relaxed otherwise it would be even less uncomfortable for him. Max wasn’t someone who felt easily anxious most of the time but this time he was a little.

Well, it wasn’t everyday that you were about to get another man into you while you’ve always thought of yourself as an heterosexual. Of course he had the right to feel stressed about it. Was he really homosexual or was he only into this beautiful Monegasque ? He didn’t know but it wasn’t important yet since it would also bring too much existential questions in his mind. He didn’t need an existential crisis in this situation. As always, Charles’ softness was enough to brush away every fear he could’ve had. The pain was less than he’d imagined it would be, he would say it was more likely uncomfortable but bearable. The Monegasque’s carefulness was always there making sure everything was fine and it was. For the first time he had sex with not only with a man but Charles Leclerc. The biggest rival he ever had in his whole life. And he loved it.

Right after, it was all about cuddling. Maybe because a part of him was afraid that Charles would disappear leaving him alone. He’d already done it once so why couldn’t he do it again ? But things weren’t the same before. They went to shower after.

“ You really don’t like your body anymore ?”

“ No…I’ve gained and lose weight a lot those last years. When I see yours I’m almost jealous.”

“ But I’ll not have the same body after leaving F1 or maybe I will but it doesn’t matter. I love your body.”

“ Thank you. Come on, wash yourself and then we can go to sleep.”

“ I’m not that tired but I have to train tomorrow.”

“ Oh, I think you’ll change your mind when you’ll wake up.”

“ Why ?”

“ You’ll see.”

Charles kissed him before finishing his shower. Max had quickly done the same, going back in bed.

“ Good night Maxie.”

“ I love you.”

He stayed silent, his face showing his surprise. He smiled. Hearing Max saying it was something totally different. If he wasn’t able to control himself maybe he would’ve cried of happiness. He’d spent so much nights crying because Max didn’t love him. Now he did.

“ I’m pretty sure I love you more.”

Max denied with his head but hugged him, finding comfort. Charles played with his hair for a while before the driver fell asleep. The Monegasque had been the first one to wake up the next day staying a little more in bed before getting up. He’d pet Jimmy and Sassy who were snuggled against each other. He cleaned up everything they’d left the day before, checking if there was enough in the kitchen to make breakfast which wasn’t the case. Should he go buy a few things quickly ? Max didn’t look like he was going to wake up soon anyway, he had time for it. The easiest way would also to borrow Max’s car since his was too recognizable. He should start to use another one but it was his easy pick. There was no way the dutchman would be mad if he was doing that, he’d let him do whatever he wanted till now. He’d taken Max’s clothes to get ready. He’d also left a note just in case he would wake up in the meantime. He’d taken the driver’s key, leaving the apartment. Before going to the grocery store, he passed by his home to grab a few things. He stayed more than he’d planned, getting few important phone call he preferred to be fully attentive on. As he was about to leave he’d been surprised to hear someone knocking which wasn’t normal. He’d taken a while before opening, his body almost froze. What was happening ? It must be a nightmare. There was no way Jos was really in front of him. He was afraid. The dutchman entered before closing the door behind him, Charles feeling even more threatened. He’d taken a step back.

“ What are you doing here ?”

“ My son doesn’t answer me anymore and I rightly supposed it was because of you.”

“ I have no such power over Max. I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

He grabbed his arm violently making it hurts. He would never dare to hurt him right ? He was trying to convince himself but he also knew he was capable of it.

“ Do you really think I’m that clueless ?”

“ Let me go !”

Charles tried to let go of his grip which resulted to only make it tighter and more painful.

“ Listen. Do not approach him.”

“ Get out of here.”

“ Not until I’ll make sure you understand to not be around him anymore.”

“ Stop controlling his life. I’ll stay around if he wants me to be. He’s almost 30, he can do his own choices.”

The Monegasque once again tried to let go, succeeding but losing balance and falling making the little cabinet falling at the same time. He quickly got up. However Jos grabbed his shirt making his back collide against the wall. If he’d thought or most likely hoped the dutchman would not hurt him he’d been totally wrong. He punched him in the face without even thinking twice. Charles was so surprised that he didn’t move nor did something back. He punched him again but in the stomach twice this time before releasing him. The Monegasque collapsed tasting blood in his mouth.

“ I’ll not warn you twice.”

Jos left without a look for him, Charles staying on the floor. He was shocked and in pain. He couldn’t believe what just happened. Yes he knew Max’s father was crazy but not at the point of coming in Monaco and beat him for suspicions.

He finally got up going to the bathroom to clean his mouth and look at his face. His lip was wounded, his cheek would be bruised for sure since it was already marked. His illness was making him easily bruised, it would be even worse than someone else. He just sat on the bathroom’s floor, thinking. He didn’t know if he should tell Max or how to tell him. He had to comeback, he had his car and his own was still at the driver’s place. Yes he had others but it was way too suspicious.

How could he come back at Max’s place waking him up just to say “ Hey I got my ass beaten by your homophobic father, that was fun” ? It sucked. The whole situation did. There was no way he could hide it anyway. He suddenly felt threatened. Maybe Jos was waiting for him outside or around Max’s building to see if he was going back there. It was a possibility.

Despite the fear and pain, he got up taking the stuff he’d came to take. He’d carefully left the apartment, looking around like a scared puppy. He’d quickly got into the car driving back to the dutchman’s home. In front of the door, he was anxious. Max was going to freak out but what was he going to do ? He didn’t know. He got in already hearing voices that he’d recognized. Lando and Carlos. It just got even worse. He quietly went in the living room, Max’s face becoming pale after seeing him.

“ Oh my god, what happened ?! ” Lando asked.

The dutchman almost ran to him with worries. He stared at his face as if the world just collapsed.

“ What happened ?!”

“ Something really fun.”

“ Fun ? What the fuck are you saying ? Tell me who did that !”

“ Let me sit, I’m gonna pass out.”

Max didn’t take it lightly making him sit on the couch. Carlos and Lando seemed worried as well. Oh no, he didn’t think about his mom. She was going to freak out too.

“ I think it’s pretty obvious someone just beat my ass ?”

“ What the fuck is your problem ?”

He could see how upset he was but it was mostly worries.

“ Your father.”

“ What ? No…he-“

“ He told me to stay away. And then he warned me by punching me.”

“ It’s getting too far ! First you get phone threats and now he comes in Monaco ? You have to report it.” Carlos said.

“ Phone threats ?” Lando asked, “ You never told me about that !”

“ Is it really important right now ?”

Max stayed silent going to his room and closing the door. They looked at each other not knowing what was going on in his mind till they’d heard him talk in dutch. He must’ve called his father. The tone quickly changed, Max yelling things they couldn’t even understand.

“ Did he really threaten you before ?”

“ I’ve been threatened at 14 by him, it’s not new.” Charles answered before laying on the couch, “ He called multiple time lately but I was stupid enough to think he wouldn’t physically do something.”

“ That’s really bad…Are you sure you’re okay ?”

“ I’m not.”

“ What do you think he’s saying ?” Carlos asked.

“ I don’t know. But he’s never yelling around his father so it’s pretty serious to him. When I said he loved you I wasn’t kidding !”

“ My mom is gonna freak out, I have a family dinner tomorrow.”

“ Say you’re sick.” The brit answered.

“ Not a good idea at all. I’m fucked.”

“ If anyone sees you in the street, everyone will know you’re hurt with socials.”

“ That’s exactly why I won’t go outside at all.”

“ Which isn’t the best idea either.” Carlos answered, “ But where were you when it happened ?”

“ I came to grab some stuff at home, it happened there.”

“ Staying here may not be the best thing… He’ll most likely come here too.” Lando said, “ We can take you with us.”

“ It’s okay Lando, there is no need to overreact. I hope he’ll not come for me at home again.”

“ For once I think it’s not overreacting.” The Spaniard sighed, “ It’s becoming serious. You should definitely report it.”

“ It’s only morning and I’m already tired of the day.”  

Chapter Text

After ending his call, Max felt like he couldn’t breathe. His chest was painful, his heart racing. He went to sit on his bed, trying to calm himself but he couldn’t. He perfectly knew what was happening, it was just like when he was young. Back then he used to have panic attack about things that were so trivial. His mom had been worried about it but his father didn’t care thinking he was only making scene. He never thought it would ever happen again especially at his age but it did. All of this because of his father once again. Because he just couldn’t bear the fact he could like Charles. Now the consequence was that Charles was hurt because of him. He was trying to calm himself but it was always as if everything just went worse. The pain in his chest was more and more peasant. Lando came in at some point quickly getting closer and telling him to breathe slowly. He was trying but he couldn’t since his father’s words were just storming in his mind, the Monegasque’s marked face only because of him. Worried, Charles came in the room which made the dutchman burst in tears. All he could say was that he was sorry over and over again. Why couldn’t he have everything ? Family, Charles, racing altogether ? It was so unfair. His dad was making everything unfair. He was hurting him and didn’t even care. He didn’t know how long his panic attack longed but it had been one of the worst he ever had in his life. His head was resting against Charles’ chest, not moving. He was tired, his mind was blank. He felt sweaty and weak, his hands still shaking. He was staying silent not even listening to what was said and in fact, not answering.

“ We can’t leave you like that, is there something we can do ?” Lando asked.

“ I don’t think you can do something… You should go back home or do whatever you wanted to do. I’ll manage it.”

“ But Jos…”

“ It’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

“ Let us bring food tonight ?” Carlos suggested.

“ Okay. Bring whatever you want.”

“ If you need anything, we’ll come.” The brit answered.

“ Thank you. You have a key. Can you lock the door when you leave ?”

Lando nodded staring at his friend. He’d been aware of Max’s past panic attack, he told him once when he had one himself. It’d been almost comforting before to know that someone like Max had experienced the same thing. Not for the same reason but still, he could understand him a little. However he’d never seen it. Max’s mind had been full lately but he’d never thought it would end this way and even less what came up with his father.

Charles stared at them as they were leaving. His whole body was still painful but he chose to put it aside to be focused on Max as much as he could. He’d seen him cry when they were younger but it wasn’t the same at all. Hearing him repeating he was sorry while crying all the tears he may have, feeling his body shaking against his had been hard. It wasn’t like him to look so vulnerable. They stayed like that for a long time before Max finally whispered.

“ I’m…sorry.”

“ It’s okay.”

“ You’re hurt.”

“ I’m fine.”

“ No you’re not.” He cried again.

“ Max…Maxie, it’s okay I promise you, I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”

“ I love you so much that it hurts. Now I understand and I- I’m so sorry…”

“ It’s okay… It’s okay. I love you too. Don’t cry.” Charles answered, “ You’re all sweaty. A shower would be good, don’t you think ?”

Max nodded but didn’t move. Charles got up taking the dutchman with him and leading him to the bathroom.

“ I’ll grab clothes for you. Start showering.”

“ Okay.”

The Monegasque left the bathroom to get back to the bedroom. He grabbed the tings he needed before hearing Max’s phone ringing. He looked at it seeing it was Victoria. He chose to answer.

“ Hi.”

“ Charles ? Is Max okay ? My father just called me !”

“ No, he’s not good. Your father just beat me but I don’t know what they told each other in Dutch.”

“ What ? Oh my god, are you okay ?”

“ It could’ve been worse but Max just got a panic attack.”

“ Oh no… I… He called me to ask if I knew something about you being together but he sounded so upset. I didn’t think it went that far. If Max got back to his panic attacks it’s so bad. When he feels better tell him to call me. But Charles, he may be my father but…Report him.”

“ I will. But I know it won’t stop or resonate him.”

“ It’s complicated. I support you no matter what and Max even more.”

“ I know. Thank you.”

“ Take care both of yourself.”

“ We will.”

They exchanged a few other words before hanging up. He went back to the bathroom, seeing Max sitting in the shower while the water was running. Since he already washed himself, he stoop up to get out. Charles gently wrapped him in a towel.

“ I feel like my world is falling apart.”

“ Your sister called. She wants you to call her later but she supports you no matter what.”

“ Why can’t I have everything ? You, my whole family and racing ?”

“ I don’t know…”

“ Why did I had to fall in love with you and you with me ?”

“ I have no answer.”

Max didn’t say anything more. He dried himself and got dressed only to hug Charles again.

“ Is it painful ?”

“ No.”

“ You’re lying.”

“ It happens.”

The Monegasque had taken the driver with him to the living room making him sit on the couch. Max stared at his face with his still puffy eyes gently touching his cheek.

“ I never wanted this.”

“ You don’t have to say it, I know.”

“ You deserve more than me.”

“ Don’t say that.”

“ No, you do. Because I can’t choose.”

“ It’s okay.”

“ I told him to never touch you again.”

“ I hope because being beaten once is enough.”

“ Please, don’t talk about it so lightly because it’s not. For the first time I… hate him.”

Charles didn’t know what to answer. He felt bad for him. He knew that despite everything he’d done, Max loved his father and he could never take this fact against him. It was hard to hate one of your parents. Max kissed him softly trying to not make it painful due to his wounded lip.

“ I’m tired…” The dutchman said.

“ You can rest.”

“ I just need 30 minutes.”

“ I’ll wake you up.”

Max used Charles’ lap as a pillow, closing his eyes and keeping the Monegasque’s hand in his. However, he couldn’t fell asleep. Charles didn’t move to not wake him up but he was starting to not feel great. He was thirsty with cold sweats. He stayed still, thinking it would just pass but it didn’t, starting to feel dizzy. When he felt like he was about to pass out, he started to feel scared. He knew his body, it wasn’t normal at all.

“ Max…”

“ Uhm ?”

“ I need you….I..”

He couldn’t speak more, the dizziness becoming worst forcing him to close his eyes. Max understood something was wrong, straightening instantly.

“ What ? Are you feeling sick ?”

“ Emergency. I need to go.”

For once, he didn’t ask anything. He’d gotten up, going to put his shoes on and coming back to Charles who followed him to the elevator after.

“ Max I’m going to…pass out…”

“ No you won’t.”

The dutchman started to feel his hands shaking again, one hand around Charles’ waist. What was he going to do if something serious happened ? Once out of the elevator, he’d taken him to the car. It was starting to be too much again. He felt like another panic attack was about to come but he had to keep his mind focused.

“ You better not pass out !”

“ I’m…Trying…”

Max was used to drive the fastest car of the world under stress. But it wasn’t the same at all. His heart was racing. He’d been able to drive to the hospital then taking him to the ER. However, it was as if Charles’ body knew he didn’t need to fight anymore passing out in Max’ arms whose anxiety got higher instantly. It went even worse when he couldn’t follow him being taken away. He’d been told to wait and go to sit. He didn’t even had his phone, it was still in his room. He tried to stay calm but it failed. His breath became shorter and harder, the pain in his chest came back. Charles’ passing out in his arms was on repeat in his mind. What was happening ? His panic was due to not know anything. It’d been hard to calm down just as it did before.

If he wasn’t someone patient in a situation like this it was worse. A nurse finally came in after what felt like hours. She asked him to follow her which he did quite afraid. She’d taken him to a room where Charles was unconscious or sleeping, he didn’t know. He was perfused but Max couldn’t understand what was happening.

“ What’s that ?” He asked.

“ Blood transfusion. It’ll take around 1 hour.”

“ Why ? Tell me what happened, no one told me anything.”

“ He suffered from internal bleeding due to an abdominal trauma. Someone healthy would have been fine in most cases but with an illness like his, every trauma, cut or things like that can be more serious. You don’t have to worry anymore, we’ve stopped the bleeding. He may wake up anytime now.”

“He’s quite bad at explaining it, could you explain me with simple words ?” He lied.

“ Sure. Aplastic anemia is quite simple, your body isn’t able to produce enough blood cells anymore. It’s not necessarily all blood cells, it can be only platelets for example but in his case it’s blood cells as a whole. He’s weaker than others. It leads to tiredness, pale skin, bruising easily and a lot more you may have already noticed.”

“ But you can heal from it ?”

“ Only with a transplant. The treatment he already got can’t heal it and it doesn’t work on everyone as it didn’t fully on him either. Is it a good explanation to you ?”

“ Yes. Thank you. May I got his phone ?”

“ All his belongings are in there. I’ll let you alone, I’ll be back in an hour.”

Max nodded watching her leave. Charles lied. When he asked if he was fine, he lied. He was sick. He’d taken the Monegasque’s phone before going to sit on the chair next to him. He stared at him, his brain slowly processing what just happened. He then unlocked his phone looking in the contact to find a family member. He had to let someone know he was here. He first tried Arthur but he didn’t answered then Lorenzo who didn’t either. Now he only had one last option. Charles’ mom. He waited a few minutes before calling her, he almost hoped she wasn’t going to answer either but she did. She first talked in French, Max understanding it but waited a second to finally say something.

“ Hi, I’m sorry to call. It’s Max. Max Verstappen.”

“ Something happened ?”

“ Yes…We are at the hospital. Can you come ?”

“ Tell me he’s okay.”

“ They say he is, he’s under blood transfusion.”

“ I’ll come as soon as I can. If anything change, please call me.”

“ I will, I’m sorry.”

“ It’s not your fault.”

“ I’m waiting for you.”

He hung up, not knowing what to do. He was still in denial. He had an illness that couldn’t be healed easily. Something that was affecting his whole life. Every details made sense in his mind now. How he was easily tired, his skin, everything. He’d been so stupid and clueless but it was his fault. He also wanted to believe The Monegasque’s lies.

He felt anger towards his father. All of this was because of him and his homophobia he didn’t even try to hide. He’d always hated Charles and never hided it either. Who did he even really love ? Max didn’t even had an answer himself. Charles moved, Max getting up to look better at him. The Monegasque slowly opened his eyes before looking around him.

“ What happened ?” He lowly asked.

“ You passed out when we entered ER.”

“ I don’t remember…”

“ You had internal bleeding. They stopped it and you’re getting blood transfusion because of your illness.”

Charles stared at him without saying anything. He couldn’t lie anymore. It was the worst scenario that could’ve happened, Max learning it by someone else than him after all that occurred today.

“ Max-“

“ Why did you lie ?”

“ I didn’t want anyone to know.”

“ But Carlos and Pierre do. Am I wrong ?”

“ They do.”

“ Why didn’t you tell me ?”

“ I was going to tell you. I was only waiting for the right moment…”

“ I gave you opportunities when I asked if you were fine. You lied. Since when are you sick ?”

“…3 years.”

“ You left F1 because of that… That’s the reason you can never come back.”

“ It is.”

“ I still don’t understand !”

“ Oh Max, please. I was ashamed of my state, I got rejected by you, tried to kill myself and failed lamentably. I’ve lost everything in a row, it’s the real reason I left. I’ve lost all my dreams and my future, you can’t understand how it makes you feel.”

“ What did you say ?” Max asked, “ You…Tried to kill yourself ?”

“ It’s…Fuck it’s not the way I wanted you to find out.”

The dutchman felt like his world was collapsing once again. No, it wasn’t possible. However now, Pierre’s attitude made sense to him. Max wouldn’t be able to handle another revelation. Charles was here because of him. Because his dad couldn’t handle the fact he liked him and had hurt him. Charles tried to kill himself and he was also a part of it for rejecting him so heartlessly. Twice. Charles could’ve died twice because of him. Maybe they weren’t good for each other.

“ I called your mom.” He was only able to say.

“ My mom ?”

“ She’ll be here soon. I’m sorry.”

The driver stepped back after giving him his phone, leaving the room without looking back even when Charles called him.

Chapter Text

He needed air. Charles’ room had been too suffocating especially after all the things he’d learn. He didn’t go too far only going outside to breathe. It was too much for him. Stupidly, he only wanted to call his mom and tell her everything. Ask her what he should do, feels or say since he just didn’t know how to react. Maybe cry while explaining how his father was hurting him and didn’t even care about it. It’d been years since he’d felt that helpless and useless. He was asking himself why he had to fall for Charles, why he had to be this way. It almost seemed unfair.

He couldn’t believe Charles was sick. He’d understood that all this time, he’d given him half truth or lies. Saying he was depressed was the easiest way to answer everyone’s question about how brutally he’d left back then. He felt stupid but could he have seen it before ? He did notice weird things but he chose to trust him. He shouldn’t have. But even if he didn’t, Charles would’ve never given him a real answer.

His heart was shattered thinking the Monegasque could’ve killed himself. If he’d done it because of him, he would’ve never forgave himself. All he was feeling was guiltiness. He didn’t know what to think or feel beside that. It was too hard to handle.

He drove back home going instantly to his room to get back his phone. His parents called as well as Charles. He even texted him.

Charles ( 1:11 pm )

Im sorry

I should’ve said it

Please come back

I need you

Please

I love you

Max stared at his phone reading the texts. He didn’t know what to say or answer. Should he come back ? He’d already left him once and it leaded to all that happened after. He stared at the wall for a long time before calling back his mom who answered almost right away.

“ Oh my god Max, Victoria called me. Are you okay ?”

“ No.”

“ Tell me.”

“ Mom…Charles is sick… He…” Max couldn’t hold back his tears, “ That’s why he left. And now he’s at the hospital because dad had beaten him for being my boyfriend… It’s so…It’s so unfair…”

“ Is he okay ?”

“ They told me he had internal bleeding but stopped it. Since he’s weaker what dad did could’ve killed him…. What…What would I have done without Charles ? What if he really killed him ? I hate him for the first time in my life… I don’t know what to do. Charles lied when he said he was fine. Mom…He tried to kill himself and I know I’m part of it…”

“ Max…You’re almost 30. I may have made a mistake letting you stay with him. What he did is really bad, you have the right to hate him. You don’t owe him anything. You may think you came that far because of him but you’re there because you are the best. You have the talent. If you’re in love with Charles, it doesn’t matter. As a father, he should only want happiness for you not hurting the person you love the most.”

“ Do you still love me ?”

“ There is nothing in the world that can change my love for you and neither for Victoria. We understood you loved Charles and we were happy for you. I don’t think you remember it but once you came back home, one of the few time you did, you were crying but I didn’t know why. You told me after there was this boy who waited for you while you were crying and hiding. You couldn’t understand what you felt. You were overwhelmed. We talked and I understood your feelings about him were complicated maybe more than it should have been with someone casual. It’s also the reason I wasn’t surprised to see you closer to him when you became older. Now that I was able to see you next to him after he came back, you’re shining and happier. I only need that as your mother.”

Max wasn’t remembering such a thing. Did he chose to forget it for his own sake ? To continue to please his father no matter what ? Was he already attracted to him when he was a teenager ? He didn’t know.

“ Now that I fell so hard, I can’t live without him. I’m afraid. Even more knowing he’s sick….I…I can’t handle it….”

“ He needs you even more.”

“ I’m away most of the year, what if something happens when I’m not here ?”

“ Max, don’t think of the worst. It’ll lead you to being anxious. Maybe it’s one of the reason he chose to keep his secret.”

“ Can you come ?”

“ If you need it, yes. But you should talk with him, know his thoughts.”

“ I need it.”

“ Max. Don’t let your dad get into your mind if he calls you. Stand up for yourself and Charles.”

“ Yeah...”

“ It’ll be okay.”

“ Okay.”

They continued to talk before finally hanging up. His mom was accepting it and still loved him. Victoria also did. His dad didn’t. Charles needed him. The last time he’d left him behind everything went wrong. Leaving him like that wasn’t the right thing to do. His eyes must be so puffy and red from crying. He felt miserable. His haters would love to see him like that.

He texted Lando to not come adding that Charles was at hospital if they wanted to visit him. He, however, didn’t want to be bothered by any calls only wanting to be alone.

Max wanted to think of something else. He would’ve been supposed to train with his trainer for Singapore but he chose to take “ days off” to spend it with Charles instead. Now, the only thing he could do was to do it at home. He started after getting changed hoping it would take Charles off his mind but it didn’t.

Every little thing he’d noticed about him all those years was coming like a storm in his mind. Charles’ smile, his tears, his bright eyes or his dimples. The way he was saying his name, teasing him or staring at him. His accent that could be funny but also the sweetest. His gentle touch, his kisses.

There was a lot of things he was cherishing. Memories or facts, it didn’t matter. Charles with his nephews being so careful and lovely despite not speaking Dutch. Maybe at that moment, he’d understood he was definitely the one for him. His mom and sister loved him, getting along perfectly well.

Once again, the only problem was his dad.

What he wasn’t missing or cherishing was the hole he’d left in his heart and life when he’d left. 3 years of living while thinking of it almost everyday since he had no answers. He’d gotten it now but he couldn’t accept it. If he had to be honest, he would’ve wanted Charles to have left because he was depressed and nothing else. Now, it was another story. He had understood depression was serious already but for him, having an illness was a whole different thing.

He couldn’t stand lies. Right now, he couldn’t understand because he didn’t want to. He was upset and afraid. He’d never thought about losing someone, he’d never been scared by death or anything. If he did, he would’ve never raced in F1. However now, he was reconsidering everything. He was scared. Not for himself because he didn’t care. But for a special someone he just couldn’t bear to see hurt or lose.

He stopped his working out, sitting and going on his phone. He looked for Charles’ illness wanting to know everything about it. It was making things even worse in his heart but at least, he finally knew. Fever. Easy bruises. Pale skin. Dizziness. Headache. Tiredness. Feeling short of breathe. Infections that last longer than usual. Avoiding high level sport or high contact one.

Then he’d seen something he would’ve preferred to not see. Heart failure. It was scary. He understood why he had to leave the racing world. It would’ve been way too risky, one crash even the slightest and it would have end badly. It ended Charles’ dream. His future. It was more understandable how painful it’d seemed to be for him because it’d never been his choice. It just happened and he’d to live with it.

How could he leave for another continent knowing he wasn’t healthy ? What if something happened while he wasn’t there ? He had to finish this season and the next one before retiring. More than a year. It was a long time and everything could happen quickly.

There was too much things at once. He’d understood that he wasn’t going to be able to hide the love he had for Charles, his reactions were showing all his feelings. The urge to hug and kiss him after races was there too and fighting it was hard. At some point, if they continued like that they would be discovered. The world would be aware of their relationship. Was he really ready for it ? All of this was added to the new fact the Monegasque was unhealthy. Life wanted to play and test him.

He felt stupid. It had been even more unfair to Charles. He had no right to complain. He was healthy, fulfilling his dream and goals in F1. He had everything.

Charles.

He got up. He had to get back. His mind was full of him. He could only think of him. Maybe later he would think over and over again about the things he’d learned, how to manage it, if he would even be able to manage it. But his heart chose it didn’t matter. At least for now. They had to talk and be honest but it could wait till he was out of hospital. He’d left the apartment without getting changed, he had no time to waste. He drove back there, almost running to reach Charles’ room. He entered without even knocking surprising his mom, Arthur and Charles himself. He went straight to the bed staying silent, staring at the Monegasque whose eyes became wet before tears fell down. Max leaned to hug him closely but not too much to not cause any harm.

“ I’m so sorry.” Charles said.

“ I know.”

He straightened to finally take the time to greet Charles’ family. He didn’t acknowledge them till now since he was only focused on the Monegasque. He’d wiped his tears before taking Max’s hand in his.

“ I’m sorry.” Said the dutchman, “ All of this is my fault. I’ve never wanted my dad to do that.”

“ You said it yourself.” Answered his mom, “ It’s your dad. Not you. Charles is fine and that’s all that matters.”

“ I still can’t believe my brother’s boyfriend is Max Verstappen.”

“ It’s kinda crazy, I know.” The driver said, “ It’s crazy for me too.”

“ You don’t have to stay longer, you must’ve been busy before coming here. I’m fine so no worries.” Charles yawned.

“ I can see you’re trying to kick Arthur and I out.”

“ I’m not. I’m gonna sleep anyway. I’m tired. And I knew Max wasn’t busy at all that’s why he wasn’t included.”

Arthur giggled watching his mom kissing Charles’ forehead and telling him to take care of himself. After a few more words they’d left while the Monegasque didn’t want to let go of Max’s hand.

“ Why did you come back ?”

“ Because you forced me to date you.”

“ That’s not really kind.”

“ The last time I left you behind, you vanished.”

“ …Yeah… Max I-“

“ Later. Let’s talk later. Rest for now, it can wait and I won’t leave.”

The dutchman had taken a the chair, putting it closer and sitting on it. Charles stared at him, nothing would ever be the same. He knew it.

“ Thank you. For coming back. For not leaving me alone.”

“ You told me once I was heartless and only lived to destroy others. I chose to be Max and not this person made up by my dad you said I was.”

The Monegasque felt his eyes becoming wet but held it back. Maybe what was happening was the greatest sign of love Max could’ve given him. He closed his eyes too tired to stay awake. He fell asleep. The driver knew when he was fully asleep since his face was relaxed, his breath calmer and regular. Looking at his face was painful since he had to see his soon-to-be bruised cheek and his wounded lip.

There was so much that still needed to be said. Would they even be able to recover from it ? Would he be able to recover from it ? Not feeling as guilty as he was feeling, stop his fears, his anxiety and turn his back to his father ? He didn’t know. Everything was unsure and it was one of the worst moment for it to happen. Singapore was a though race, he had to be prepared. Then it would be Japan, Qatar and America. It was so far. Too far. As he was thinking, Lando came in the room in his training clothes.

“ Before you say something, don’t talk too loud.”

“ Bloody hell what happened ? And I thought you weren’t going to be here !”

“ Where is Carlos ?”

“ He’s coming. We weren’t training together. I didn’t even go back home to get changed. Why ?”

“ Did you know ?”

“ Max, precise what you’re talking about.”

“ Charles left F1 because he has an illness that can possibly only be cured by transplant.”

He’d understood Lando wasn’t aware of anything when he’d seen his face becoming blank.

“ N-No… I wasn’t.”

“ Carlos does. But I imagine I shouldn’t be surprised. He ended here because he had internal bleeding because of my father. He’s fine now.”

“ Aren’t you upset ?”

“ I’m too tired and exhausted from everything right now. I don’t have the strength to be.”

“ How are you feeling ?”

“ I don’t know.”

“ It’s okay to not know. You’ll think about your feelings later.”

“ My mom is coming. I think I’ve been quite a dramaqueen.”

“ You can’t make fun of me ever again now.”

“ Which is sad.”

“ Is he in pain ?”

“ I don’t know. I suppose he isn’t for now.”

“ It’s a good thing. I can’t believe anything that’s happening today.”

“ Me neither.”

“ Uh… I wanted to tell you something earlier.”

“ Tell me now.”

“ Carlos and I…We….Uhm… We kinda got married.”

“ You’re joking ?!”

“ Shut ! Talk lower ! Yes. Right after Monza.”

“ Why ?!”

“ I don’t know. I got hyped by the fact of marrying him and then…I was.”

“ At least I hear a great new… Congratulations. Are you still a Norris then ?”

“ I’ll always be a Norris. I don’t think Sainz suit me.”

“ Lando Sainz…Quite strange.”

“ Max Leclerc sound weird too. For it you both should date first though.”

“ We do.”

“ No way. Finally !”

“ And then he ends up like that.”

“ Don’t think about it too much. It’s not your fault. Your dad is in the wrong for it.”

“ Now that you’re married, are you going to say it publicly ?”

“ Uhm… I don’t know. I don’t think I would be able to endure the pressure I will get after. You know, being the first one to come out in the sport isn’t for me. I already have Tifosi against me, I don’t need more stress.”

“ I understand.”

“ What’s his illness ?”

“ Aplastic anemia. His body can’t produce enough new blood cells anymore.”

“ So that’s why…I understand why Carlos and Pierre were so protective after we got drunk. Damn.”

“ We’ve been fooled but I’m starting to be used to it.” Max said before sighing, “ I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle all of this and stay.”

“ Lots of things happened today. But You already understood and accepted you loved him and you both are now partner. It’s quite a thing knowing how much you were in denial. It’s great to see you accepting yourself.”

“ Well, it gave me panic attack. Again.”

“ I never thought I would in see you like that.”

“ Trust me, I never expected to have one.”

“ Do you know when he’ll be able to leave ?”

“ No. I suppose they’ll be even more careful since he has a fragile health.”

“ Understandable. He’s sleeping like a baby.”

“ He’s always sleeping like a baby.”

“ You look tired.”

“ I am. I don’t know if it’s mentally of physically though.”

“ It may be both. Don’t forget to rest.”

“ Don’t act so…caring.”

“ Yeah, I know. Most of the time I’m the one who needs to be cared of.”

“ Carlos just texted me he’s stuck with his training so he won’t come but he’s relieved he’s okay. I’ll have to go soon too but if you need something, I’m not far.”

“ It’s not like Monaco is a small country.”

Lando rolled up his eyes. They continued to talk a little before the brit finally left. Max was alone with himself again. He looked at Charles before closing his eyes. He thought it was only for a second but he fell asleep to finally rest his mind a little. He’d woken up after hearing someone coming in, noticing it was the nurse he’d seen earlier. She apologized to have wake him up but she would have to do the same with Charles. Max felt bad about it but she was doing her job and it needed to be done. He’d woken up the Monegasque who wasn’t too happy but didn’t say anything. It was almost dinner time. She’d left after checking if everything was alright or if he needed something.

“ Lando and Carlos are married.”

Max said it out of blues, Charles choking with his own saliva.

“ What ?!”

“ Yeah. He came when you were sleeping and told me.”

“ When ?”

“ After Monza apparently.”

“ Oh my god. This day is giving me headache.”

“ Me too.”

“ Are you sure you’ll not leave me ?”

“ It’s hard to answer. I don’t know. My mind is a mess.”

“ I’m sorry. I…I didn’t know how to tell you. You were always so worried and I knew it would be worst. I…also didn’t want you to be with me out of pity. Everyone who knew was looking at me as the sick and poor Charles. You were looking at me like you did before. For you I was just Charles.”

‘ That’s how you see me ? Someone who would stay with you out of pity ?”

“ I never said it was rational.”

“ Would you ever told me by yourself ?”

“ Maybe at some point. You would have find out by yourself anyway. We were spending too much time together. I was hoping you would see it way later than you did.”

“ Let’s talk about it once you’re out of here.”

“ But-“

“ Later.”

Max was upset among all the others emotions he was feeling. If he started to spill out all he had to say, it would be mean for nothing. He’d said it colder than he wanted it to be but he couldn’t be as soft as he was used to. Charles looked at him with a gaze that just melted his heart.

“ Don’t look at me like that.”

“ Like what ?”

“ I don’t know.” Max answered, “ Do you know when you can leave ?”

“ Tomorrow If I’m doing great.”

“ So soon ?”

“ Yes.”

“ I should leave. You’ll eat and rest so I’m not needed.”

“ Will you come back tomorrow?”

“ If I can.”

“ Do you want to ?”

“ I don’t know.”

“ Please…Come back.”

“ You’re selfish. You’ve left me out of everything till now. Since you can’t lie anymore you want me to be fully involved.”

The Monegasque looked at him. He could feel Max’s distance towards him but he was the one to blame.

“ I know.”

“ I will come.”

Charles smiled making a gesture for him to get closer which Max did after getting up. He grabbed his arm making him lean to hug him.

“ I love you.”

The driver didn’t answer, straightening after gently kissing his forehead.

“ You can still call me if something happens.”

“ You shouldn’t tempt me. Otherwise I’ll call you once you’re at home.”

“ See you tomorrow.”

Max tried to smile but he couldn’t fully. He finally left but not without looking back at Charles who was staring at him. He went back home, Jimmy and Sassy not even caring about him. He quickly got a shower trying to think about something else but he couldn’t. He even got a headache with all of this. He wasn’t hungry and skipped dinner. He checked his phone seeing that Charles had sent a pic of his meal adding it wasn’t the best thing he’d eaten. Max answered he must eat something tastier once he was out and enjoy it.

For the first time, he opened socials to see what people were saying but not about him. About Charles. There was their moment on the podium at Monza, the fact they were spotted in a restaurant, the hug after his win and the one when Charles cried. The interview he’d given about depression and his reasons, his song. He’d been about to answer to some rude comments before calming down. But it made him realize people were speculating more than he’d thought about them. He shouldn’t be surprised. People went crazy about his mom and sister posting for him added to the fact they all followed each other. Well, he did give them lots of content lately.

With some curiosity, he’d looked at what was being said about Lando. Lots of people were saying mean things comparing him to Charles. The haters were mean and Max thought they must be bored or have a shitty life to have time to write so much things about people they didn’t know. They were pathetic.

He opened his private insta, seeing Lando had posted pics on his Lando.jpg account. A bunch of pics about Ferrari, Carlos and Charles. The monegasque’s smile looked honest and he liked to see that. He smiled seeing his friend had been posting pics on his private too, showing a casual dating life. As he was looking Charles texted.

Charles ( 6:57 pm )

Are you bored ?

Max ( 6:59 pm )

No

Charles ( 7:00 pm )

I am

Max ( 7:02 pm )

I can’t really do something about it

Charles ( 7:03 pm )

I know

I just wanted to share it

I think I’ll sleep

See you tomorrow

Max ( 7:05 pm )

Sleep well. Text me when you wake up, I’ll bring something tastier to eat

Charles ( 7:06 pm )

Thank you. I love you

Max didn’t answer. Again.

Chapter Text

As he’d said the day before, Max went to the hospital with food that Charles would like and new clothes. When he got in the room, the Monegasque wasn’t in his bed but at the window. He was silently looking outside not even noticing someone came in. The driver quietly got closer which made Charles finally noticing him.

“ Hi.” He smiled.

Max didn’t answer right away. He could only stare at the Monegasque’s face whose cheek was more bruised. He knew it was normal but still. It was painful to see. It was his fault.

“ I brought you food and clothes.”

“ Lunch wasn’t good. But the dessert was.”

“ So you only ate dessert I suppose ?”

“ Yes.”

“ I’m not surprised.” He smiled a little, “ Can you leave today ?”

“ Apparently. I have to wait for my doctor’s visit.”

“ I see. You should eat before it gets cold.”

“ Oh right ! Did you eat ?”

“ No, I waited to eat with you.”

Charles’ face got brighter, nodding. Max had put the food on the table before sitting. The Monegasque did the same looking at what he’d brought before starting to eat.

“ It’s way better.”

“ Are you even allowed to eat this ?”

“ You’re thinking about it only now ?” He chuckled, “ Yes, it’s no problem.”

Max went back to his silence. They didn’t talk while eating, the dutchman not knowing what to say anyway. It was strange. His dad haven’t tried to reach him which was relieving. Dealing with him again would just made everything worse.

“ You don’t eat ?” Charles asked.

“ Oh…Yes…”

He’d been so much in his thought that he haven’t ate yet. He sighed.

“ Are you okay ?” The monegasque asked.

“ Is that even a question ?”

“ That’s exactly why I kept it for myself.”

“ Don’t use me as an excuse. It’s not the reason.”

“ You won’t believe anything I’m gonna say anyway.”

“ It’s…I’m tired. Just enjoy your food.”

“ You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.”

“ I may be quite crazy since I want to. You can’t understand what I’m feeling after learning everything at once. I need time. Give it to me.”

“ Okay. I never thought you would come back. I hoped. But I wasn’t sure of anything.”

“ I didn’t know either. What are you going to do once they release you ?”

“ Cry in my bed ? I don’t know.”

“ You can…stay with me. I’ll have to train but you can still stay even when I’m not there.”

“ Are you sure you want me around ?”

“ …Yeah.”

“ I’ll enjoy Sassy and Jimmy’s company then.”

“ They’re going to like it.”

“ Nah, they’re evil.”

“ You’re right.”

They finished their meal before Charles went to shower. Max silently waited, losing himself in his thought. He might be confused and kind of upset, he preferred to keep him close. He know he was going to understand his point of view, reasons and motivations but it would need time. The driver knew he may not be the best person to be around at the moment. His way of protecting himself was to take a step back and being closed to others. Right now, he needed to protect himself from his dad, from reality. He’d never been in such a torment. He was afraid, upset, disappointed and so much more feelings he couldn’t understand. Charles was taking full place in his mind and heart. He was wondering if he still had place for racing. He’d always been able to put everything aside for a race but would he be able to this time ? He wasn’t so sure. He got startled when Charles’ hand touched his shoulder.

“ Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“ It’s okay. I didn’t hear you getting out.”

“ I can be really quiet.” He smiled, “ I didn’t go out since yesterday. Can you go with me ? I want some air.”

“ Sure.”

Max got up but they didn’t had time to leave the room. Charles’ doctor came in.

“ Oh, I’m coming at the wrong time ?”

“ Not at all. I don’t need to take some air if you allow me to leave today.”

“ Let’s talk about it.”

“ Okay.”

The dutchman stared at them before being ready to leave. Charles stopped him, telling him to stay as he was sitting to listen to what she was about to say. Max got closer, silent. She told him he was fine from all the checkup they did but she couldn’t fully allow him to go to Singapore as he’d asked yet. However, she could see him before his departure to check and allow it. Charles nodded, he really wanted to go. She recommended to come back if there was the slightest thing that wasn’t right and to not stay alone. The Monegasque answered he wouldn’t be so it was fine. She smiled before talking about his results, Max carefully listening. The doctor released him before leaving.

“ I don’t want you to feel obliged to go to Singapore with me.”

“ I’m not. I want to go.”

The driver stared at him, getting closer. He hugged him tightly. Charles had let him, enjoying his affection.

“ Let’s go home.” Max said, “ but before we should go to your apartment to take more clothes.”

“ Borrowing yours was my new hobby, I’m disappointed.”

“ As if it was going to stop you.”

The Monegasque nodded with a smile. After taking all his stuff, they’d left. Charles called his mom when they were in the car reassuring her and saying he was gonna stay with Max. They’d talked a little more before he hung up. They didn’t spent too long at Charles’ place, putting everything he would need in a luggage. They left after going back to Max’s.

Once there, the Monegasque didn’t bother to unpack his things thinking he would’ve time later. He was tired already but tried to not show it. He stared at his boyfriend who’d taken Sassy in his arms. They needed to talk but he didn’t know what to say. He’d avoided it for so long. He softly called him as he was getting closer. Max turned around to look at him.

“ Can I still kiss you ?” Charles asked.

After a nod, the Monegasque kissing him while wrapping his arms around his neck. Max’s hands quickly ended on his waist. Charles stayed against him, his head resting on his shoulder.

“ Thank you for taking care of me.”

“ What kind of person would I’ve been if I didn’t ?” Max asked, “ I have to train but do whatever you want. I’m only outside anyway.”

“ I think I’ll sleep a little. Wake me up when you’re done ?”

The dutchman nodded, leaving a kiss in his hair. Charles went into the bedroom, closing the curtains before going to lay in bed. He was tired. It wasn’t like it wasn’t usual though. He fell asleep rather quickly.

When Max was done, he went back inside. He was quiet while walking, not wanting to wake him up. He got into his room, getting closer to the Monegasque who seemed to be deeply asleep. He’d slowly sat on the bed, letting his fingers going through Charles’ hair. It wasn’t even enough to make him move a little. Max smiled before leaning and kissing his cheek. He then got up to go to the bathroom to take a shower. He stayed in there more then he used to, thinking. Was love supposed to hurt like it did ? No it wasn’t. But he also wasn’t hurt because of something Charles did to him. He may have kept things hidden from him but it wasn’t to hurt him on purpose and he was aware of it. He was more likely hurt for him. He finished his shower but didn’t go to wake Charles up. He chose to let him sleep a little more.

He looked what they could eat tonight. He had plenty of choices since he went to the grocery store in the morning to be sure he could stay entirely with Charles today. But he had no idea. He sighed. The easiest would be to chose with the Monegasque.

While he was playing with the cats, Charles showed up looking sleepy with his hair being messy. Max smiled finding it adorable.

“ You didn’t wake me up.”

“ I haven’t finished a long time ago. Is there anything you want to eat ?”

“ I don’t know. Whatever is better than what I ate at hospital anyway.”

“ You’re not really helping.”

“ I know.”

The Monegasque smiled before taking Jimmy in his arms. He kissed his head softly before letting him go. The rest of the day had been calm, Max finally choosing the menu and cooking it. He wasn’t the best at it but he was trying. Charles helped but not much since he was playing with the cats. The driver had let him, he didn’t care. After sharing their meal, they watched tv for a while before going to sleep.

It was strange since Max was usually hugging him as soon as they were close, leaving a kiss in his hair. He didn’t this time. Charles didn’t ask for it either. All he’d gotten was a kiss on his cheek. It was better than nothing. They’d fallen asleep quicker than they imagined.

However during the night, Max had woken up noticing Charles wasn’t at his side anymore. He got up calling him and leaving the room. He’d seen the door to get outside open, making him freaking out.

“ Charles !”

When he got outside, he’d seen the Monegasque sat on one of the sunbeds staring at the sky. Charles looked surprised not expecting him to wake up in the middle of the night.

“ Are you crazy ? Don’t do that !”

“ I just wanted some air…”

Max had taken a deep breath. He was overreacting.

“ Please…don’t do that. Can you understand how scary it can be for me to wake up without you and see the door opens ?”

“ I’m sorry.”

“ Let’s go back inside. You may catch a cold.”

“ How stupid it would be.”

Charles followed, watching him close the door before taking his hand and leading him to the bedroom again. The Monegasque stopped.

“ I’m thirsty. You can go back to sleep, I’ll join you.”

“ No. I’m not sleep anymore anyway.”

“ Let me get a night snack then.”

“ Is it reasonable ?”

“ No. But I don’t care. Do you ?”

“ Do whatever you want.”

Charles smiled, going to the kitchen. He got a snack and a drink before sitting and starting to eat. If Max denied at first, he finally did the same. None of them would fall asleep soon. As they were eating, the Monegasque could see the driver wasn’t comfortable. He could understand his sudden fear. They still haven’t talked about his suicide attempt and everything. Max had enough time to imagine so much things.

“ Should we talk now ?” He asked, “ About all of this.”

“ I suppose we should.”

However, no one started the conversation. They only stared at each other. Max had finally done it after a few minutes.

“ How did you learn it ?”

“ After Japan. I was feeling tired and a few others things so I got a few checkup. I got the results and my world collapsed. I wasn’t allowed to race anymore but… I did. I wanted to end the season, get my trophy. I also foolishly hoped they were wrong.”

“ It was so unsafe, you-“

“ Max…It was the last time I was going to ever race in my life. I wasn’t thinking about safety.”

“ I’m sorry.”

“ Sorry ? You don’t have to be.”

“ I knew something was wrong with you because you weren’t as bright as you used to. But I didn’t do anything. And then… I made it even worse by rejecting you.”

“ Don’t blame yourself.”

“ You tried to kill yourself…”

Max’s heart was beating so fast it was almost painful. They needed to talk even if it wouldn’t be the best chat they had. Was he ready to hear everything tough ? He wasn’t sure of it. His voice was already shaking.

“ My life was collapsing. I was losing everything and I tried to find comfort into someone I knew wouldn’t give me anything. You. Maybe I just needed another reason to just end my life. I don’t know. I couldn’t understand my own feelings and thoughts. I took lots of pills and Arthur found me just in time. I’ve wished he didn’t. I wanted to die because life was worthless without F1 for me.”

“ And now ?”

Charles stayed silent. Max wanted honesty. If they wanted to be a better version of themselves, he needed to answer.

“ I wouldn’t mind dying.”

“ Don’t say that !” He almost shouted, “ Please. Don’t say that. Aren’t you happy with me ? I’m giving you all I can !”

He could feel his anxiety getting higher, his breath shorter. Something heavy was in his chest. Hi hands shaking but he tried to hide it. Living without him wasn’t a possibility anymore, he’d finally found his forever home. He was ready to go against the world for him even his dad if he needed to. He couldn’t let him go. Not today or another. Never.

“ I can’t control it, Max… You’re making me happy. But there is a part of me that’s tired.” Charles answered, “ It’s not your fault…It’s mine.”

“ It’s…It’s not yours… But please, don’t leave me.”

“ Breath in, breath out or you’ll have another panic attack.”

“ I- I can’t handle to lose you…”

The Monegasque had taken his hand in his, not talking anymore. He’d never imagined he would ever see Max so vulnerable and scared. For everyone he was a lion who couldn’t be tamed. But he wasn’t in reality. He was only a boy raised to be a machine on the track, damaged or maybe broken inside. He stared at the driver who was trying to calm himself. Charles waited before talking again.

“ Your love is the most precious thing I have. I love to look at your eyes, I love the way you say my name. I love so much things about you, I would need more than a day to tell you everything. I will get better. Don’t worry about me. I know it’s scary but it’s okay. You were right, I was selfish. You seemed so unsure about me and your feelings… I thought you were gonna run away. So I waited, hoping you would love me enough at some point to stay.”

“ I love you.”

“ I love you too. You’re my Maxie. I’ll never hide anything from you anymore.”

“ When I looked at your disease, I saw you needed a transplant.”

“…Yes. But none of my brothers are compatible so it wasn’t the best option for me.”

“ So you’re doing blood transfusion ?”

“ And I got a treatment. It doesn’t work on everyone. I got better with it but not as I should have. The biggest problem is if I get sick. Otherwise I’m pretty fine.”

“ Are you sure you’re really fine ?”

“ You’ve seen it till now, being tired is normal. Beside that, it’s ok.”

“ What if your health goes down ?”

“ I’ll get another treatment. It’s scary at first but you don’t have to worry.”

“ What if something happens when I’m not here ? I have a season to end and another year to do.”

“ Maxie. Don’t overthink. It’s not good.”

“ Why didn’t you tell me my dad was threatening you ?”

“ I…I didn’t want to annoy you with that. I just thought it wasn’t gonna go further.”

“ I’ll not let him touch you ever again. I promise.”

This conversation was quite a mess but it wasn’t something scripted they thought about before. They were only letting out their feelings while still keeping a few for themselves. It seemed more real and honest. It was what they needed.

“ I trust you.”

“ You’re not gonna kill yourself, right ?”

“ No. I intend to stay with you. But promise me you won’t leave me either.”

“ I promise.”

“ I’ll be more careful to not worry you again. And I’m seeing a psychologist.”

“ Don’t hide important things from me…I don’t mind you having secrets, we all have but not like that.”

“ It was my mistake. I just loved to be seen as Charles.”

“ I would be less worried to know. I can still look at you as Charles and nothing else.”

“ Your eyes will change no matter what. As long as we can be like we used to it’s fine.”

“ I need time to…think about everything. But I’m not upset anymore…I think.”

“ Don’t punish me like you’re actually doing by not hugging me and things like that. It’s harder than telling me to fuck off.”

“ It’s my way of dealing with my feelings… I do it without even realizing.”

“ You’re getting better at expressing it. It’s great. I don’t think we could’ve had such a conversation before.”

“ We wouldn’t.”

“ Let’s talk again later. Most have been said now but if we have others things to say, we can.”

“ Sounds good.”

“ Let’s watch something ? Or we can play.”

“ Night is made for sleeping.”

“ There is a lot of other things to do though.”

“ Yes… Let’s play then.”

“ May I get a kiss first ?”

“ No.”

“ You’re mean.”

“ That’s what people say.”

Max smiled, cleaning everything before going to the couch so they could play. The dutchman had finally gave Charles the kiss he was asking for which made him happy. They’d played for a while having fun like teenagers and as if nothing ever happened. It was relieving and lighthearted. At some point, fatigue had catch them back. They went back to sleep and this time, Charles had got his kiss and hug before falling asleep.

The next day, the Monegasque had been the first one to wake up. He’d done as usual, getting up and taking a shower. He wasn’t planning on going out so he chose to wear comfortable clothes. As he was looking for breakfast, he’d heard the intercom. He went to see who it was, surprised to hear Max’s mom voice. He’d opened for her, waiting and opening the door. He welcomed her gently, Sophie hugging him as a greeting.

“ It’s so nice to see you again. Is Max still sleeping ?”

Charles nodded. She stared at his face before sighing.

“ Sorry for what happened.”

“ It’s okay. I’m fine. I didn’t know you were coming.”

“ Max asked me to come because he didn’t know what to do. And I wanted to see my sweet son-out-law.” She smiled, “ Oh, Victoria gave me this for you.”

Son-out-law. It sounded great and fun. So Max had told his mom ? He wasn’t aware of it. She’d grabbed something in her bag which was a few papers.

“ The boys had made some draws for you.”

“ I’ll send a text to thank her. It’s really kind. I wasn’t expecting it…”

“ Which makes the thing even better. Are you doing better ?”

“ Yes. I only have to rest for a few days, there is nothing to worry about.” He answered, “ Should I wake him up ?”

“ Oh no. Let him sleep. I brought breakfast.”

She’d put everything in the kitchen. Charles followed her.

“ Did he…say anything ?”

“ He told me about you having an illness.”

“ I should’ve been honest.”

“ You did what you thought was the best. I’ll not blame you for it. He’s concerned of letting you behind to race.”

“ He only has another year to do if he choose to retire… He should be concentrated on it.”

“ It’s hard to do so when the person you love the most has a fragile health. Which isn’t the only reason he is that scared, I suppose. Am I wrong ?”

“ It may be even worse now. Telling him I was depressed was something. Then he learned I did a suicide attempt. When we talked I may’ve been too honest but that’s what he wanted from me. I said I wouldn’t mind dying.” Charles said, “ But now…I feel like I shouldn’t have.”

“ I know my son. Sometimes, he need to be against reality even if it’s hard. You were honest and he needed it.”

“ Maybe I was too harsh…”

“ Don’t worry. It’s fine. He’ll get over it.”

Charles sighed. They continued to talk till Max had finally woken up. He’d been surprised to see his mom but happy. They’d eaten altogether continuing to talk. The days after had been quite normal and great. While Max was training, Sophie was staying with him. Charles’ family came to see him as well since he didn’t want to out especially with a bruise on his face. If he had to be fully honest it was also because he was afraid to meet Jos again. He’d had enough of his violence.

If Max was trying to understand the best he could, he was still keeping a distance with the Monegasque. It’d been too much at once and Charles knew it. As long as he wasn’t leaving him, it was fine. They were both trying their best with what they had.

The night before his appointment, Charles had to wake Max up. He was sweating and shivering. He’d thought the pain in his chest when breathing would disappear but it just got worse. Of course Max instantly got worried, not even doubting or trying to say it wasn’t deep.

Once again, they ended up in the ER. All of this was making him too anxious, he felt like it was going to kill him at some point. He was hoping it wasn’t too serious. He was leaving Monaco for Singapore in 2 days. He wasn’t stupid. With this Charles would never be allowed to travel. But he needed to know he was “fine”. He waited.

After a time that seemed an eternity, someone came for him. He’d heard what he didn’t want to. Charles had pneumonia. How was it possible ? He haven’t seen anything. Maybe they were wrong. He haven’t even heard him cough. He felt relieved but not at the same time when he’d seen the Monegasque. It was only them now. Max stared at him, speechless.

“ Don’t look at me like that. I’m not dead.”

“ Don’t use the word dying when you’re here.”

“ I’ll be fine. It’s not my first time.”

“ But…I- I have to leave for the race…”

“ And we have an amazing thing that’s called phone. We can call.”

No. He couldn’t leave.

Chapter Text

Max wasn’t feeling well and it could be seen in front of the medias. He was rude and annoyed. The PR were freaking out he was going to say something that would make their lives hell. He was constantly looking at his phone without caring about what people would think.

Charles had pushed him to leave, reassuring him over and over again. To reassure him a little more, his mom was staying longer in Monaco and would take care of him. It was only helping a little because he was stressed. He couldn’t even been focused on the race and Christian noticed it. When he’d asked about it Max lied. He was trying his best at the moment but it seemed it wasn’t enough. What he was doing had never been enough anyway. He always had to do better, to be better. It wasn’t the case right now. He was miserable and weak. He was worthless. He locked himself in is driver room feeling his heart beating faster becoming a pain in his chest as he started to hardly breathe. Not again. Not here.

After a few minutes, he calmed himself down. He had to do the quali. But he was suddenly thinking about everything he’d wanted to forget. His father’s disgusting words, his anger issues, when he was slapping him. Charles’ health issues. He got out of his room, trying to look great. He went back to the team acting as always before having to get into his car. He’d taken a deep breath before putting his helmet and getting into the car.

Why was it so hard to be focused suddenly ? It’d never been the case. He had to be honest. It was because he wasn’t around Charles to be sure his dad wouldn’t do something to him. His mom was there. She was going to take care of him. He shouldn’t be worried. This situation was bringing him back to his teenage years where he’d felt at his worse but never showed it.

As he was waiting in the pit during Q2, He couldn’t breath. He had to get out.

“ I…I have to…get out…” He said.

“ Sorry Max ?” GP answered.

He couldn’t answer. He’d undo his belt with trembling hands, having trouble to get out his car no one understanding what was happening. He’d taken his helmet off, someone taking it while he was trying to breath. He felt dizzy, not able to catch air. He grabbed his suit on his chest area, feeling his legs being weak ending on his knees. His mechanics grabbed him, taking him away since all the cameras were on him. He ended up in the medical center but he didn’t know how. He’d been oblivious to everything that happened. The doctor came in or a person he’d identified as it.

“ Will you answer my questions now ?”

“ Yes…”

“ Did it happen before ?”

“…Yes…”

“ Frequency ?”

“ I don’t know.”

“ Have you ever seen someone for it ?”

“ When I was younger. They said it may be panic disorder. But it disappeared when I was 19.”

He continued to answer questions before starting to get bored.

“ I’m fine !”

“ I don’t think you’re able to drive this weekend.”

“ What ? But I… I am ! It can happens to anyone.”

“ Are you sure of it ?”

“ Of course I am ! I’m getting out of here.”

“ Panic disorder can be really serious.”

“ I’ve been stressed. It didn’t happens for years. I’m fine. Just let me go.”

Max had to stay a little more before finally being allowed to leave. His trainer was waiting for him. The dutchman didn’t want to talk going back to the hospitality as fast as he could. Once there, every eyes were on him. For the first time, he felt bad about it. He walked through them before meeting Christian who asked to talk. He was in trouble. He had to stay calm. He couldn’t have another panic attack and even less here.

“ What happened ?”

“ I don’t know. They said I was fine.”

“ Looks like an anxiety attack to me. What are you hiding ? If we need to replace you for tomorrow you have to tell me.”

“ I don’t need that. I’m sorry to have messed up. It’s not anxiety attack, I’m fine.”

“ Max-“

“ Trust me. I can do it.”

“ Everyone is talking about you. The world had seen what happened.”

Maybe it was worse than he’d imagined. Of course the camera wanted drama and had to be on him. His haters were going to be happier than ever.

“…I’m sorry.”

“ What’s happening ?”

“ I’m…I’ve been stressed a little…I’ll be fine.”

“ Is it about Charles ?”

Max didn’t answer. It was admitting it.

“ I need you to talk otherwise I can’t do anything.”

“ If we’re outed as a couple, would it be a problem ?”

“ Well… It may. Do you want to show it ? To be the first one ever ?”

“ No… I prefer to keep it for us. But we don’t know if anyone is gonna out us at some point.”

“ The sponsors will have to agree or it may look like they’re homophobic. Red Bull will support you. The FIA will have no choice either.” Christian answered, “ Now, tell me. Are you able to drive tomorrow ?”

“ Yes.”

“ Go back to the hotel.”

“ But-“

“ Rest and come back tomorrow.”

Max could only nod. He’d went back to his driver room to get change before leaving. The eyes on him were too intense. He walked through the paddock trying to avoid everyone but Carlos stopped him.

“ Max !”

“ Why are you talking to me ?”

“ Have you seen Lando ?”

“ No, I was getting scolded. Why do you look so panicked ?”

“ We got outed.”

“ What ?”

“ They know we’re in a relationships and were about to get married. He’s not answering his phone.”

“ Oh fuck. Okay I…Let’s split up and we call if we found him.”

Carlos nodded, leaving quickly and Max going the opposite way. The dutchman had to be mean to people to avoid questions before finally hearing Lando was hiding in Mercedes hospitality. He pushed everyone to get in, the merc staff being surprised to see him.

“ Please, can I see Lando ? I heard he was here ?”

“ He’s with Lewis.”

One of the girl had taken him where his friend was. He was crying while Lewis was trying to comfort him.

“ Lando.”

“ Max…It’s…horrible ! How am I gonna live now ?”

“ Calm down.” Lewis said, “ Breath in and out.”

Max quickly send a text to Carlos telling where they were before getting closer to his friend.

“ Lewis is right. Calm yourself.”

“ Everyone hates me already, it’s gonna be worse now.”

George came in, having heard they were all there. All of the situation was a mess and it just got worse when Carlos entered. His cries became worse as he’d hugged his now husband.

“ How are we going to handle this ?” George asked.

“ We can’t do anything beside supporting them.” Lewis answered.

“ He’s right. We aren’t in a position we can do anything else.”

At the end, Mercedes became the place of crisis Lando and Carlos’ friends hearing they were here. They stayed there for a long time before they’d to all left. Max had to go back to the hotel but he was thinking about his friend. It was the worst thing for him. Once in his room, he went to take a shower to try to be relaxed. He was wondering who could’ve outed Lando like that. After his shower he'd noticed Charles called. He called back using facetime.

“ Are you ok ?” The Monegasque asked.

“ Hello to you.”

“ Max, I’ve seen you on Tv. What happened ? Did you had a panic attack again ?”

“ I’m fine.”

“ Max…”

“ I’m better than Lando. Everyone knows he’s with Carlos.”

“ I saw. I hope he’ll be fine…”

“ I hope.” He sighed, “ I miss you.”

“ I miss you too. They’re releasing me on Monday.”

“ Oh that’s good. Where will you go ?”

“ Your place of course. To stay with my step children.”

“ Do whatever you want.” Max answered, “ I love you.”

“ I love you too. And don’t be worried, I’m fine. Am I not, Sophie ?”

“ You definitely are. Don’t worry my love, I’m taking care of him !” She said.

“ Thank you mom. Be careful Charles.”

“ You should be more than me. I’m not the one who drives an F1 anymore.”

“ Do you want to go to Italy for your birthday ?”

“ Oh my god, Is it a date ?”

“ Crazy isn’t it ?”

“ Let’s go in Italy then. But Maxie, I’m serious. Be careful.”

“ I always am Charlie. Let’s call each other tomorrow after the race ?”

“ Of course !”

They talked a little more before they hung up, Max being alone in silence. He started to look up at what the media had said about Lando. It was even worse than he’d thought. There was pictures that he knew were all true since they’d been taken from his personal Instagram added to some he’d never seen. This person wasn’t aware they were married but knew they’d been dating and were engaged. It was strange. Someone he must’ve been friend with then. Ferrari was having a crisis like never before. They couldn’t deny it. His friend neither. For once, he’d seen lots of messages supporting them but also a lot of hate.

After, he dared to look what was saying about him, he sighed. Seeing it made him feel ashamed. Falling on his knees this way only because he had a stupid panic attack. Some were concerned, others were making fun of it, hating or were neutral. It was expected. Panic disorder. No. It wasn’t him.

All of this was making him tired. His sister also called worried about what she’d seen but he tried to reassure her. He wasn’t hungry. He chose to not eat, falling asleep. If he’d thought the next day was going to be better, he’d been totally wrong. Everything fell down. He crashed because of his own mistake, taking Pierre with him as if it wasn’t enough. He screamed in his car, hitting the steering wheel before getting out. His life was falling apart. He’d hit the tyre with all his angriness before a marshal came for him. He’d been rude, going back to Red Bull as if he was doing the walk of shame. But in his mind, it was exactly wat he was doing. He must’ve disappointed Christian. His mechanics. He was disappointed in himself. In the garage, the mechanics seemed to comfort him saying it would happen to anyone. But it couldn’t happen to him.

He went in his driver room to get change, holding back his tears. It got worse when he’d seen his father was calling him. Out of anger he answered while his father was calm.

“ Why are you calling me ?” He almost yelled.

“ I saw what happened.”

“ And ?”

“ It’s the consequence of you being influenced by this fucking faggot.”

“ Don’t talk about him like that.”

“ You’re nothing without me. My son will never be a faggot. Look at you, losing miserably after staying too much with him ! Don’t you understand he’s your downfall ?”

“ Too bad I love to be fucked by Charles Leclerc. Now, leave us alone.”

He angrily answered before hanging up. He wanted to scream. To hit something. Tears started to fall. He hated that. He’d never wanted to take his dad out of his life but he had to if he wanted to be happy. He would never accept he may love someone who’d the same gender as him anyway. It was hopeless. He wanted him to stay this boy he’d under control and he’d been for too many years. Now, he had to live for himself.

But even if he was thinking like that, he was already feeling bad about what he’d just said. He’d been too impulsive. He wiped his tears, knowing he had to do media since he was out.

He’d done it, giving answers he didn’t care about. He wanted to hide. The driver went back to the garage, watching the race with the others to keep some appearance. He didn’t know if he should be happy or sad Checo wasn’t doing great either. He sighed before looking at his phone seeing his dad had sent some texts. He didn’t care. He stared back at the Tv screen, it looked like Ferrari was going to do a 1-2 podium. Maybe it was the best result in the current situation. The team had made an official statement saying the personal life of their drivers wasn’t related to them since it wasn’t impacting on their driving. Lando and Carlos had no choice but confirming it anyway.

It ended just like he’d thought. Lando winning followed by Carlos and then Oscar. A full McLaren podium even if two of them weren’t in the papaya anymore. It’d been a disaster for Reb Bull. He was guilty. Even if he would accept it, Christian didn’t blame him. He encouraged him instead, believing in him as he always did before.

“ Why are you supporting me when everything I did was shit ?”

“ Why wouldn’t I ? Everyone can have doubts or low phase. The most important is to not give up and be better.”

“ I crashed the car.”

“ It could’ve been worse.”

“ We’ve lost points !”

“ That’s why you’re gonna show everyone who you are next race.”

Max stared at him. Who was he ? He wasn’t sure anymore.

“ What’s your goal now ?” Christian asked.

“ My goal ?”

“ What’s making you keep going ?”

“ I-“

When he was a child, he’d started karting to please his father. Of course, he haven’t been forced, he liked it. After, he continued because he wanted his father to be proud of his achievement. He wanted Jos to be proud of him. But even when he was winning, there was always something he’d done wrong. At the end, he’d been modelled by his father. He’d made sure to somehow break him just enough for him to always want to do everything to deserve his love and proudness. How stupid it was now. It had to stop. He had to live his passion for himself, for Charles who couldn’t reach his own dreams anymore.

“ I don’t know.” He finally answered.

“ What’s happening in your mind ?”

“ There is a storm.”

“ Think of it. Set your goal. Come back stronger to show who you are. Someone who broke lots of records and is now quadruple world champion.”

“ Am I like my father ?”

“ You’re nothing like him.”

He sort of liked and hated this answer. They continued to talk a little before finally leaving to get back to the hotel. Max was feeling like shit. He stayed in the bed to look at the ceiling for a while before Charles called him. He answered.

“ Please don’t remind how stupid and shitty this day was.”

“ Are you okay ?”

“ No.”

“ What happened ?”

“ I’m just shit.”

“ Don’t say that. We can all have low phase. The most important is to do better.”

“ Uh…You talk like Christian.”

“ But he’s right.”

“ I don’t know what’s my goal anymore.”

“ That’s what is currently bothering you ?”

“ I’ve mostly wanted all my life to be the best to make my father proud. I suppose I continued to think like that till now.”

“ Be the best for yourself then.”

“ It’s harder than I thought. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore.”

“ You’re Max ! Quadruple world champion and soon to be five. I’m sure of it.”

“ If every week is like this one, surely not.”

“ Max. Can you do something for me ?”

“ Of course.”

“ Be the world champion for me then. So I can look at you in Abu Dhabi as I’d won too. If I let you pursue my dreams, you’ll take care of it right ?”

“ You want me to win for you ?”

“ Well, I would’ve liked you to win in red but I can’t be too exigent.”

“ If I kill Carlos I can manage to be in red for 2029.”

“ Don’t say that !” Charles chuckled, “ Enjoy racing and everything will be fine.”

“ Will you be happy if I win for you ?”

“ I’ll be happy as long as you are.”

“You’re not too hard to please.”

“ Nah, I’m an easy boy.”

“ I’ll win.”

“ I’ll watch.”

They continued to talk for awhile before ending their call. It sounded great. He loved the idea to win for himself and Charles because he had to abandon his dreams and goals. What was making him want to keep going ? Be the best but not for anyone else. His goal ? Winning another wdc that would be his and Charles’. For that, he had to be focused. Not letting his thoughts mess up with him. He had to calm himself.

Charles loved him and he loved him back. Even if they were apart, the Monegasque was an adult that he shouldn’t be worried about as if he was a child. And he was with his mom who he knew was being careful as if he was her son. He had to work on his own fear. Easier to say than do but anyway.  

He’d finally understood his dad would never think he was enough. He was tired of this. It was breaking his heart but he had to accept this fact. At least, he could rely on his mom and sister who’d loved him unconditionally and never stopped. They were his biggest supporters. The best ones.

The week had been normal, flying to Japan, Lando and Carlos having to confirm their relationship that most of the grid had showed support for. It had been welcomed better than they all thought but it was still quite hard.

As he was walking through the paddock about to get in his hospitality, a Ferrari staff stopped him by almost screaming his name. He turned around, surprised.

“ Sorry, I kinda yelled but I have this for you !”

She gave him a red box where he’d noticed a Ferrari sticker on and another under it CL16.

“ No surprise but it’s from Charles.” She smiled.

“ Oh…But…Thank you.”

“ I could’ve left it in your motorhome but I was quite afraid they would reject it thinking I was going to poison you or something for Ferrari.”

He laughed taking the box.

“ Thank you but I always get into yours. So there wasn’t any worries to have.”

“ And I thought it was better to give it in your hands. Good luck for this weekend.”

She’d left as fast as she came. He finally entered the hospitality going to his driver room to open this sudden thing. He thought the stickers were fun kinda remembering the stickers war they used to have. He opened it to see a lion plushie and a red envelope. He’d taken it and after opening, chuckled. A Ferrari card. He’d recognized Carlos’ handwriting.  

“ To my biggest fan.

Look how cute he is. He’ll be your support for this weekend. If you lose, we cut his head… I’m kidding. I believe in you. I love you.

Your pretty sunshine.”

It made him smile. Even so far, Charles was asking his team to do those kind of things for him. This boy was something else but he loved it. It was what he needed. He’d been called having to leave it there and go to his team. He’d quickly sent a text to Charles thanking him and saying he loved him too.

The quali day came faster than ever. He’d taken his lion plushie in the garage as a token he’d said to everyone. This time, his chest wasn’t feeling heavy. He was under pressure but he’d always been. Christian came to encourage him.

After last week disaster, he’d never felt so relieved when he’d got the pole position despite the Q2 being quite messy due to the rain. He’d managed to get through it. In a way, he was disappointed Charles couldn’t be here but at least he was doing what he wanted. Win.

He was back. He was going to win. No one could stop him.

When Charles called him later, he could hear and see how happy he was. His heart entirely being filled with love. But the most important wasn’t done yet, he had to win the race.

The next day, he felt stressed. He had to calm himself. He would prove his dad he was someone without him but with Charles. He had to stay focused. Once in the car, Max had done what he’d been taught to. Being the lion of the grid. But this time for him. And he loved it.

The race had been quite challenging but he managed to stay at the front, being first. Winning. It was just like the fireworks in Abu Dhabi, loud and beautiful in his heart. He couldn’t believe it.

He was someone without his father. He was his own person. Max.

He’d gotten out of the car going to the team who’d welcomed him as if last week never happened. It felt so good. He’d congratulated George and Lando who were sharing the podium with him. During the interview, he was the last one to do it. He waited, answering the question but didn’t leave right after. He had something to say. He looked at the camera.

“ I did it. My… My sunshine I won for you.”

Chapter Text

The medias were on fire. His last sentence during his interview came like a bomb but he knew it. People would want to know now. He wasn’t going to say anything but he wasn’t planning on hiding anymore. He was tired of it. There was no shame in liking someone else. It was time to just be free. Well, he would not kiss Charles in front of all the people but he would hold his hand if he wanted to. At least, it was like that in his mind. Doing it was going to be harder than thinking of it.

For the first time of his life, he really like he was going back home. When he arrived, it was night already. He got in quietly, his mom had left during the day since she had to manage a few things. He greeted the cats before going in the bedroom where Charles was sleeping. He smiled before going to take a quick shower and finally getting into bed. He’d woken up the Monegasque who yawned and then stared at him.

“ Welcome back.” Charles whispered.

“ Hi.” He smiled, “ Sleep, it’s still the middle of the night.”

Charles nodded waiting for him to properly be in bed before snuggling against him. Max kissed his hair and hugged him. It didn’t take long for the Monegasque to fall asleep again. It’d been a little harder for the driver who was in Japan just the day before but he managed to finally find sleep.

In the morning, Max had woken up without Charles next to him. He yawned before getting up. He looked for the Monegasque but he wasn’t in the apartment. After taking his phone to call him, he’d seen a text saying he was out but would be back soon. He didn’t had to wait long before he came home. Charles smiled when he’d seen him. He got closer to kiss.

“ Hi Maxie.”

“ Where were you ?”

“ I had an appointment. I’m doing fine.”

“ Are you ?”

“ Yes, I am. What about your panic attacks ?”

“ Not too bad.”

“ Do you know how crazy you are ?”

“ Why ?”

“ What you said after the race. It was bold.”

“ I know. Everyone is going crazy over it.”

“ I did too. But I loved it.”

“ That was on purpose.”

Charles giggled, kissing him again.

“ What are we going to do now ?”

“ I don’t know. I’m tired of hiding but I also don’t want to say it. So I thought we could just…live our life and don’t care.”

“ It sound good. Your mom made stroopwafels before leaving. Mommy always taking care of her golden boy.”

“ Don’t make fun of me.”

“ I would never. Are you going to train today ?”

“ Yeah. Qatar is always tough.”

“ Just do what need to be done. My mom invited me for dinner tonight.”

“ Oh.”

“ You can come with me if you want.”

“ But…isn’t it weird ?”

“ Please, your mom was having lunches with mine while you weren’t here. Nothing is weird for me anymore.”

“ I’ll come then.”

Charles nodded before Max hugged him.

“ Oh Maxie, did you miss me that much ?”

“ You didn’t miss me ?”

“ Maybe I did.”

“ That’s cruel.”

“ I should be sorry. But I’m not. Let’s eat now !”

He stepped back going to the kitchen to grab everything for their breakfast. Max followed, watching him act like it was his home. He liked to see that. He’d never imagined he would have such a life. But it was enjoyable. They started to eat.

“ What are we going to do for your birthday ?” Charles asked.

“ I don’t know, I haven’t been thinking of it. I was having a crisis.”

“ Right. Everyone talked about your panic attack in Singapore. What happened ?”

“ I don’t know. I just had to get out. I don’t even remember how I ended in the medical center. I didn’t had any since then so I’m fine.”

“ Liar.”

“ I don’t think you want us to talk about lies.”

“ Ouch. I lost.”

“ Sorry.” Max sighed.

“ Don’t be, it’s true.”

“ Are you going to stay here ?”

“ You don’t want me around already ? How sad.”

“ Don’t say that. I’m just wondering.”

“ If you allow me to stay, I will.”

“ As if you had to ask me.”

“ You’re a moody boy.”

“ You stayed too much with my mom.”

“ Come on ! She was fun to be with.”

“ Sound like you enjoyed her presence a lot.”

“ Of course I did. We talked about you.”

“ I don’t really like that.”

“ Did you had…news of your dad ?”

“ Called me when I was in Singapore. Not important, I told him to leave me alone.”

“ I’m sorry. All of this is my fault.”

“ It’s not. It’s his. I’m just…disappointed he can’t accept what I want. You know, I’ve always tried to be the best for him and not for me.” Max said, “ But it was never enough. I suppose it was why I had panic attack when I was younger because it was even worse than now. I’m…It’s making me so sad.”

“Oh Maxie… It’s normal to fee like that. Despite…all my hate towards him, he’s your dad.”

“ Am I stupid to hope he’ll change his mind ?”

“ It’s not stupid. I think he will not but what’s life without hope ?”

“ I have my mom. It should be enough.”

“ Not really. We all need both of our parents. I wish I still had mine. But sometimes you have to let them go for yourself. ”

Max looked at him not knowing what to say. They finished to eat before cleaning everything. Charles yawned while looking outside. The driver went in the bathroom to get ready for training. The Monegasque got changed to get into more comfortable clothes knowing he wasn’t going to go out again before tonight anyway. And it was at his mom’s place. If he wasn’t in the mood to get change again, he wouldn’t.  He sat on the couch, Sassy coming to be pet. He gently did after turning on the tv.

“ Looks like the cats loves you.”

“ Of course, we’ve spend a lot of time together !”

“ Don’t forget I have to be your first choice.”

“ As if you haven’t always been.”

Max smiled, getting closer and leaning to kiss him. He then sat, putting his body against Charles’.

“ You better hug me before I cry.”

“ You’re such a child.”

The Monegasque giggled, hugging him and kissing his cheek.

“ Ah, I don’t wanna train anymore.”

“ Not very serious for such an athlete.”

“ I’m very serious.”

“ If you want to think like that.”

Max forced him to lean on the couch before topping him with a laugh they shared. The driver stared at his face before getting closer and kissing him. It was a life he loved , the one he was ready to live during his career and even deeper after his retirement. They had so many things to do, time to catch up. They’d lost many years, many opportunities. But before he wasn’t ready and he knew it. The person he used to be would’ve never accepted to fall in love with Charles or anyone else who’d the same gender. However now, he was the happiest he’d ever been while being in a relationship. After all, Charles was home.

“ I can’t believe you’re my boyfriend.”

“ I would definitely prefer husband but I can deal with it for now.” The Monegasque answered.

“ You’re..”

“ Amazing ? Yeah that’s what people says.”

Max rolled up his eyes and just hugged him.

“ Are you going to stay home ?”

“ Yeah, I think I’ll play games. Nothing fancy or crazy. They said I must rest a little more even if I’m doing fine. For once, I’m listening.”

“ As you should. Call me if anything happens.”

“ Don’t leave thinking something will happens.”

“ I won’t.”

“ Don’t forget we have to go to my mom’s.”

“ Okay.”

Max stayed like that for a while before having to left, Charles now alone. He didn’t really like to look at the dutchman leaving but he had to. They weren’t living in the same world anymore. The driver was still in a fast lifestyle. He wasn’t. Just like he wasn’t an athlete anymore. He sighed. Those years had been too harder on him. He’d taken a nap before finally playing some games. Lando asked to play with him, the Monegasque making fun of him since he wasn’t training. They’d played together, talking about trivial things.

“ How is it to be married ?”

“ Nothing really change. I’m just happy to introduce and think of him as husband.”

“ Cute.”

“ And Max ?”

“ For the first time of my life I can imagine a future with him. Like, a true one.”

“ I told you he changed. It took time but he chose you.”

“ I…I don’t know if he would’ve done it if I wasn’t sick.”

“ He would have. Trust me, I’ve spent the years you weren’t there with him and it wasn’t the same at all. At first it was fine and then he realized he was missing you I suppose. But Max is so complicated.”

“ You don’t have to tell me, I know he’s complicated. He broke my heart a few times.”

“ But he fixed it too.”

“ Kinda. I’m wondering if he’ll be able to handle it if we ever come out.”

“ He won’t be the first so I think it may be better than me.”

“ Is it that bad ?”

“ I imagined it to be worse…But people are now using it against me. They say Carlos is too great for me and I don’t deserve him. Lot of things. He said I shouldn’t look at it.”

“ I’m sorry it had to be outed like that.”

“ I won’t die. It’s just…I would’ve wanted it to stay private. I just hate how our lives are so spied. We’re driver not fucking celebrities.”

“ Being in F1 does count as celebrity now.”

“ It sucks.”

“ It does. But you did well in hiding it for 3 years though.”

“ More than Max who almost came out in Japan.”

“ He’s crazy.”

“ I thought he wouldn’t be able to be at the front after Singapore.”

“ I didn’t. He’s too good to not be.”

“ Aw, that’s sweet.”

“ We’re eating at my mom’s tonight.”

“ No way ! He’s gonna have his first family dinner !”

“ He doesn’t seem too anxious. He knows my mom anyway.”

“ Otherwise he would’ve panicked.”

“ I also hope he’ll manage his panic attacks.”

“ He did when he was younger, don’t be worried about him.”

“ I’m not worried about him.”

“ Come on, you both are worried about each other.”

“ Nah.”

“ If you say so !”

“ Stop talking, I’m here to beat your ass !”

Lando laughed. They continued to play till Charles had heard Max coming back. The dutchman opened the door, interrupting his game to say he was home and was going to shower. The Monegasque nodded with a smile before resuming his game. When his boyfriend was finally done, he’d stopped to play saying goodbye to Lando. He got up, leaving the room to meet Max and hug him.

“ You left for so loooong !”

“ Pretty sure it wasn’t long to you since you were playing.”

“ Of course it was ! You’re so meaaan !”

“ I never said I was kind.”

“ You should be to me, Maxie.”

“ Why ?”

“ Because I’m the only one who can support you.”

“ Lando does.”

“ Yeah but Lando doesn’t fuck with you. I hope.”

Max looked surprised making Charles giggling. How cute he was. It got even more when his cheeks turned pink.

“ Oh Maxie, are you being shy ?”

“ No !”

“ You are !”

“ Shut up.”

The Monegasque laughed hugging him tighter. He loved him so much.

A few hours later, Maw was driving them for this family dinner. Charles yawned.

“ I’m already tired.”

“ Tell me whenever you wanna go home.”

“ I love the fact you say it as if it was my home too.”

“ Because it is.”

“ Free home. I like that.”

The driver rolled up his eyes. He didn’t know how this dinner would go but if Charles wanted him there then he was going to do it. His family was great from what he knew and it wasn’t too stressful since he already knew them. They’d welcomed him warmly even if it’d been quite weird at first with Charles’ brothers.

It was going better than he thought. While they were eating, his phone started to ring seeing it was his father. He declined the call but this little thing had been enough to stress him. Why was he calling ? To make him feel miserable again ? To talk badly about Charles ? He tried to call him a second time. He chose to still decline it. He could feel his heart beating faster, his hands shaking. The Monegasque noticed it taking his hand in his.

“ Max…Are you okay ?”

The dutchman couldn’t answer, feeling his throat becoming tighter, his breath shorter and this now usual pain in his chest. Charles had gotten up, excusing themselves and taking him in another room. He’d told him to breathe in and out, doing what he could which wasn’t a lot. After a few minutes, Max’s hands were still a little shaky but otherwise he was fine.

“ Do you want to go home ?”

“ No…It’s your family dinner…”

“ There would be plenty of it. We’ll go back home and you’ll go to sleep. Don’t worry.”

The driver nodded, following his boyfriend who’d said it would be better for them to go home. As expected they’d understood, Pascale giving them food before they left. This time, Charles had been the one driving.

“ Maybe you should really consider seeing someone about it.”

“ I’m fine…”

“ It’s okay to not feel good.”

“ Please…I don’t want to talk about it.”

The Monegasque sighed but respected it. He knew Max was too stubborn anyway. Once there, the dutchman only wanted to be in his bed and be disappointed in himself. He quickly got changed, getting in. Charles joined him a little later, gently kissing him.

“ I love you.”

“ I love you too.”

Max stared at him while putting his hand on his cheek. He kissed him again, feeling better with his body against his. He wanted to feel his skin.

“ I thought you wanted to sleep.” Charles said.

“ I… I want to feel you.”

“ Do you ? You’ll feel quite sore tomorrow for training.”

“ Yes.”

“ Or…We can switch this time.”

The dutchman looked at him, understanding what he meant.

“ I don’t know…I…I don’t think I’ll be comfortable with it.”

“ We can wait.” Charles answered, “ Let me take care of you, Maxie.”

Max nodded, still not really sure of what to do in such situation. But he knew everything would be great with the Monegasque. Gentle and lovely. It went like he thought, Charles kissing him with so much love making him feel more loved than he ever did. Being so close to the Monegasque, feeling him, their skins brushing each other felt like heaven. The way his hoarse voice was saying his name, his moans. Before he would’ve been ashamed to feel like this. It wasn’t the case anymore. If it was a sin then he was a sinner.  

This time he’d allowed him to leave some hickeys which the Monegasque had done happily. Max felt brave enough to ask him to be a little rougher and choke him lightly. Charles had been surprised for a second before smiling, not making feel ashamed of such a demand. He’d done it, turning this moment into something even better. He couldn’t last long, coming faster than he would’ve wanted. Max was out of breath, feeling Charles’ body on his and hugging him. The dutchman didn’t want to move, not having enough strength to take a quick shower. He only wanted to stay against his boyfriend, his warm skin against his.

“ We should take a shower and sleep.”

“ I don’t want to move. Let’s just stay like that.”

“ Not really clean.”

“ You’re so annoying.”

“ I know.”

Charles finally succeeded in taking him to the shower, quickly showering and returning to bed after. They hugged tightly.

“ I love you.” Max said.

“ Once you’ve said it you can’t stop yourself. I’ll never be tired of hearing it. I love you too.”

“ I just think you deserved to hear it sooner.”

“ You’re such a sweet heart.”

“ No one has to know that except you.”

“ How lucky I am.” He smiled.

“ I am more to have you.”

“ uh, cringe.” He giggled.

Max had hit him gently before kissing him. They’d fell asleep  after.

When the dutchman had woken up, Charles wasn’t there anymore. He was annoyed. Why was he never there ? He checked his phone to see if he’d texted anything but he didn’t. Max got up, his body quite sore but he didn’t care. He looked around the house but the monegasque still wasn’t there. Where was he ? He called, Charles answering rather quickly. He could hear he was driving. He said he would be back soon but had things to do. Once he came back, Max complained about the fact he was never there when he was waking up. Charles found it funny, saying he would be here tomorrow. The day went as usual, the driver falling asleep quite early.

The next morning when the dutchman opened his eyes, he was there. When he noticed he was awake, he smiled.

“ Happy birthday, Maxie.”

Oh right. It was his birthday.

“ Thank you…”

Max smiled back and kissed him. How great it was to wake up against Charles for his birthday. It may turn to be the best one he’d ever lived. Quickly, he’d received calls and texts. It was going to be a long day. He didn’t plan anything anyway, he was going to stay here with his boyfriend and nothing else. He didn’t leave bed too soon, staying against Charles who’d let him.

“ How is it to be old ?”

“ I’m not old. We’ll be the same age in 2 weeks.”

“ In the meantime, I’m younger.”

“ In love with someone older, Leclerc ?”

“ Seems like. Soon, I’ll take him to retirement home.”

“ Ouch. It hurts.”

Charles giggled, telling him they should get up and eat their breakfast. Max complained as always but finally did it. Once they were done eating, they got dressed. The Monegasque chose this moment to give him his gift with a smile. The driver had taken it, surprised.

“ I hope you’ll like it.”

“ You didn’t had to give me something…”

“ Come on, I wanted to !”

Max opened the little box. In it, there was a bracelet similar to Charles. He loved it. His heart was beating full of joy and love.

“ I love it.”

“ Do you ? I thought it may suit you.”

“ I would’ve loved anything.”

The dutchman had put it on instantly, staring at it with a smile.

“ It’s not much.”

“ Don’t say that ! It’s enough !”

Max kissed and hugged him closely. As long as it was chosen with love, he would love it. Cost didn’t matter. How big it was neither.

“ Thank you for thinking of me.”

“ How couldn’t I ? We’re stuck with each other now. I thought of getting you a wedding ring but it was cliché.”

“ You’re talking a lot about marriage.”

“ Am I ?” He smiled, “ How strange.”

“ I wouldn’t be surprised to get a proposal.”

“ I would definitely prefer to get one from you.”

“ You’re expecting much from me.”

“ Of course. As much as you’re expecting from me on other things. I did great when we made out, didn’t I ?”

Max’s cheeks turned red. There was no way Charles wouldn’t have talked about it. He liked to gently mess with him.

“ It was average.”

“ Oh, really ?” Charles smirked, “ It’s not what your body was saying. Or should I choke you a little harder next time ?”

“ Try and we’ll see.”

“ Is it an invitation ?”

“ It could be.”

“ Our birthday boy is already horny. I see. Unfortunately, it’s quite early for such a thing. It’s time to train, Maxie.”

“ Don’t tell me what to do !”

The Monegasque laughed and continued to sweetly make fun of him. Charles annoyed him one last time when he was about to leave for his training, saying he was the one having the lead in their relationship.

When he came back, Charles said they were going out tonight adding he had no choice and couldn’t refuse. It sounded quite bossy but it was fun at the same time. Max nodded. After a shower, he decided it was a good day to chill with his boyfriend and take advantage of the pool since the weather was more than fine. Charles had been more than fine with it, having a great time with Max.

In the evening, they were ready to go out, the Monegasque not saying anything about where they were going. Max just followed, not even allowed to drive. He wasn’t much of a fool, recognizing one of his favorite restaurant. It looked like Charles really wanted to make it a good day. They entered and while going to their table, the dutchman noticed his mom. Then his sister. His friends. Everyone was supposed to be busy. Supposed. The Monegasque looked proud of himself. And for once, Lando didn’t even mess up this surprise. It was definitely the best birthday he ever had.

Chapter Text

Charles couldn’t believe he was living the life he always wanted. He would’ve liked to still be racing and healthy but at least, he had Max. Max who wanted to take him to Italy for his birthday. Max who was looking after him even if sometimes it was too much. He hoped he was making him happy despite the panic attacks he gave him. Even if the dutchman was saying it wasn’t his fault but his dad, he couldn’t help but feel guilty.

Since he was allowed to travel, Charles followed Max to Qatar to support him. For a few days, he was going to be in Red Bull’s garage. It wasn’t new anymore and he had a great relationship with the staff. It wasn’t going to be too weird. Charles didn’t leave the hotel till Friday, choosing to save his energy. Just like Spa, he’d followed his boyfriend through the fans. They stopped a few times to sign things as usual, Max looking if he was close enough as always. When he wasn’t, the driver was coming to him and was taking his hand to lead him where he wanted to. The Monegasque wasn’t saying anything, he knew Max was going to be like that.

He'd been well welcomed in Red Bull’s hospitality which wasn’t pleasing Max. Not because he wanted them to be mean but his jealousy was kicking in. Even if he liked his team, he wanted to take the girls who were so close to his boyfriend away but he also had to stay calm. When he could and for the little time they could have, he’d taken him in his driver room.

“ I hate the fact you’re too pretty.”

“ Oh really ? You don’t love me only for my look ?” Charles giggled.

“ No but they do.”

“ Don’t be so jealous, Maxie. I only have you in my heart. It screams your name, do you want to hear it ?”

Max stared at him, the Monegasque’s face showing how much he was enjoying it.

“ No.”

“ You’re hurting my feeliiings !”

“ You look really hurt.”

“ I can cry if you want.”

“ No, I don’t need to see your acting skills.”

Charles laughed, putting his hands on the driver’s cheeks and kissing him.

“ Don’t be too distracted by my good look.”

“ It’s only free practice.”

“ Christian will not be happy if you’re distracted. Imagine if he takes me out !”

“ He will not.”

“ I know, I’m just messing with you.”

The Monegasque smiled while gently stroking his hair, staring at his face. His green eyes losing itself in Max’s blue ones.

“ How are your panic attacks ?”

“ …Great…”

“ Don’t lie, tell me.”

“ I almost had one yesterday but I’m fine.”

“ Did you think about what I said ? Seeing someone to talk about it ?”

“ I don’t know.”

“ You know what ? Don’t think about it. Just think about Free practice.”

They couldn’t stay hidden for too long, Max being called. After a last kiss, they’d to left. Charles minded his business when the dutchman was busy. He was listening to everything that was said, hearing some rumors, spicy things. He was invested in what they were saying like a teenager. He even dared to enter the conversation to ask for more details while his boyfriend was “working”. He was having fun and a great time. He kinda missed being involved in Ferrari’s drama because damn, it could be so salty. He had lot of fun with Carlos back then even if sometimes, the rumors were about them. It was never too deep anyway so he didn’t care.

While he was concentrated in the conversation, someone came and tried to get his attention. When he did, he asked to follow him which he’d done in a rush ending in front of Christian’s office. He got in, seeing the team principal and Max, the dutchman sitting on a chair trying to catch his breath. He quickly got closer, kneeling to be at his height, his hand on his back.

“ It’s okay, I’m here. Breathe in, breathe out.”

The driver grabbed the hand Charles had put on his tight, squeezing it a little too strong but the Monegasque didn’t show it. After a few minutes, he was better letting his head rest on Charles’ shoulder.

“ I told you to see someone for that.” Christian said.

“ I’m fine.” Max almost whispered.

“ Do you really think you are ? I shouldn’t have my driver having a panic attack in my office. It can’t stay like that, Max. You’re in F1. Stop being so stubborn about seeing someone, go to therapy or anything !”

The dutchman suddenly gotten up, Charles losing his balance for a seconds before grabbing something to be more stable.

“ You’re not my father !” Max shouted.

The Monegasque rose up, staring at his boyfriend who realized his tone and what he’d said.

“ You’re not doing Free practice.” Christian said, “ Go back to the hotel.”

Out of frustration, Max left without a word. Charles could only watch the scene, not knowing what to do.

“ What’s going on ?”

“ It’s my fault I’m sorry. Things went…really bad with his father. And it caused all of this.”

“ Tell me more.”

“ Jos can’t accept Max may love someone like me. Things got worse when he came to beat me. He had panic attack when he was younger and it triggered him.”

“ I noticed.”

“ But…It’s also my fault.” He sighed, “ I’m sick. I have aplastic anemia and I ended in hospital which worried him a lot and made his panic attack worse. No one knows so please, if it could stay between us.”

“ You’re sick ?” He asked surprised, “ Is it safe for you to be here ?”

“ Yes. I asked before and Max would’ve never allowed me to come if it wasn’t. I tried to tell him to go to therapy but he’s just too stubborn. And his father is still…”

“ You don’t even have to finish your sentence. I’m not mad or anything. I mostly want him to realize he must find help that’s why I kicked him out today. I’ve been worried since Singapore.”

“ I’ll try to convince him again.”

“ I’ll talk to him tomorrow. Anyway if you need anything or have any medical issue, tell me.”

“ Thank you.” Charles smiled.

After talking a little more, the Monegasque left trying to find Max who was in his driver room putting all his stuff in his bag. He was angry and it could be easily seen. The dutchman stopped his movement, tears falling down on his cheeks. Charles got closer, hugging him.

“ I hate the way I am.” He sobbed.

“ I love you.”

“ Do I really need help ?”

“ It’s not being weak to ask for help. I go to therapy too. Lando does. Maxie, you need to accept the person you are. Let’s go back to the hotel and you’ll rest. You have to get the pole tomorrow.”

“ I have to apologize to Christian.”

“ You’ll do it tomorrow. It can wait. He’ll understand don’t worry.”

Charles gently wiped his tears before finishing to put Max’s stuff in his bag, putting it on his back.

“ You have everything ?”

“ Yeah.”

“ Let’s go back to the hotel.”

“ I wanna sleep till tomorrow.”

“ Who’s gonna stop us ?”

The Monegasque had taken his hand, Max following and trying to leave as discreet as possible. It wasn’t much of a success but at least, they were able to leave. Once back there, the dutchman had let himself fall on the bed not wanting to do anything. Charles sighed. Was he the reason of this downfall ? Before he came back, Max’s life and career were great. He felt guilty. Maybe coming back and trying to make him fall for him had been selfish. He’d never thought it was gonna work because of how closed Max used to be when it came to it. But he did. And now, he had to watch Max falling apart. When Charles came closer and hugged him, the dutchman’s body relaxed.

“ Don’t think about what happened. Focus on the quali tomorrow.”

“ I just want it to end. I feel anxious whenever I start to feel my breath becoming shorter or when my chest start to feel tighter. I don’t care about anyone, what they say about me. Why do I have to be like that ?”

“ …Max…You care about your father’s opinion. That’s enough for it.”

“ No…”

The Monegasque chose to not answer because it would only made him upset. Neither of them needed that. Instead, Max embrace became tighter as if he was about to vanish.

They didn’t talk much after, staying around each other but nothing else. However, Max had given him his usual forehead kiss and hug before sleeping. Charles’ heart was a little painful. He didn’t like to see him like that. Who would ?

“ I’m sorry…” Charles whispered.

“ Why ?” Max softly asked.

“ Your life was better when I wasn’t around.”

“ Don’t say that. It was different.”

“ Do you think you would have so much trouble if I wasn’t here ?”

“ Charles please. Forget that. Let’s sleep and forget how awful today was.”

“ You just don’t want to blame me.”

“ I made my own choices. Stop that.”

Max’s tone became firmer which made the Monegasque shut. He became silent, snuggling against him knowing it was the best thing to do. The dutchman fell asleep but for once, Charles couldn’t. He looked at the ceiling for a while before finally being too tired. He hated the feelings he had.

The next day, Charles was feeling anxious. He hoped Max wasn’t going to have a panic attack again or if he had, it should not affect his quali and be the most discreet it could be. He followed the driver around the paddock, carefully watching all his movement. Max didn’t look stressed, he was his usual self.

The only time he haven’t been around was when Max went to see Christian to apologize. When they came back, Charles stared at them. They both looked relaxed so it must’ve went well. It was great. The team principal came to him, asking if he was fine which wasn’t too strange since he was always doing it.

Before entering his car for quali, Charles stared at his boyfriend. He would’ve liked to kiss him, hug him or whatever. Instead he smiled.

“ You better get this pole. Don’t forget who you are.”

“ Will I be rewarded if I do ?”

“ That’s how you work now ?” The monegasque laughed, “ It’s just a pole. If you win tomorrow, I can think about a reward. You’re the best. Don’t forget that.”

“ I think you love me too much to say that.”

“ Maybe I do. Go now.” Charles smiled.

Max chuckled and it made his heart warmer. The Monegasque watched him putting his helmet on and getting into his car. He then followed the quali on the screen but the McLaren’s were quite impressive while the Red Bull didn’t had their usual advantage. It didn’t prevent Max from being second in Q1, first in Q2 and most importantly first in Q3. Charles felt overwhelmed for him, proud. He followed everyone, waiting for him to get out. As always the first thing Max had in mind was to come to the Monegasque and hug him. He liked to see him like that. So ecstatic.

He watched him go through interviews and everything from afar since it wasn’t his place. At some point he felt a little tired, going back to the hotel earlier. He made sure Max would be aware of it knowing he still had a lot to do.

When he was finally able to rest in his bed, he couldn’t sleep again. He was thinking a lot, wondering if they were made to be with each other. He wanted them  to be but there was things you couldn’t control. It was part of it.

When Max came in, he thought Charles would be sleeping but he wasn’t there. He’d heard him in the bathroom, cursing in French. Going in there, he noticed blood on his shirt.

“ What happened ?” He asked worried.

“ Nosebleed. Don’t worry.” He answered while washing his hands.

“ Are you sure ?”

He got closer, staring at him.

“ You don’t look good.” He continued.

“ I’m tired…”

“ You don’t have to come tomorrow if you’re too tired.”

“ I’ll be there. I may not celebrate with you after the podium.”

“ Don’t mind that.”

“ Max…”

The dutchman waited for him to continue.

“ Do you think we’re made to be with each other ?”

Max looked surprised. He wasn’t expecting a question like that.

“ Yes ?”

“ How can you be sure ?”

“I- I don’t know, why are you asking ?”

“ It was stupid.” Charles smiled a little, “ forget it.”

“ It’s not. Tell me why you’re asking.”

“ I don’t know. I was thinking of it.”

“ Do you think…we are not ?”

“ I hope we are.”

Max’s heart started to pound in his chest.

“ Are you thinking of leaving me ?”

“ No. I just think too much and I’m too tired.”

The driver felt his hands starting to shake, hiding it behind his back.

“ Go to bed. I’ll shower and join you.” He managed to say.

Charles nodded and left, changing his shirt and getting into bed. Max stayed in longer than usual. The Monegasque waited, feeling bad about it. He shouldn’t have asked. It was stupid. His tiredness was too strong, making him fall asleep before Max even got out.

Max couldn’t think of something else. If they weren’t made to be together, what were they then ? He suddenly remembered Sebastian’s words. They needed to work on themselves before anything. But they did….Right ?

Despite feeling tired, Charles wanted to be in the paddock. He was pretty sure it was due to the weather which was too warm. If Max was trying to be like usual, he could see something was wrong. He also knew it was his fault. What he said yesterday must still be in his mind. When he was able to, he locked them in Max’s driver room.

“ What are you doing ?”

“ Max, I’m sorry for yesterday. I know you must be thinking about it. But I won’t leave anymore. I want us to stay together.”

“ You thought about it. Am I not enough to you too ?”

“ You are. You’re more than enough.”

Max stayed silent while staring at him. Charles came closer to hug him.

“ I’m sorry. I would never let you get rid of me before we get married. So I can have half of your money.”

“ You’re the worst..”

He could feel the dutchman’s body relaxing, his tone was soft making him understand his joke went smoothly. Max hugged him back.

“ Are you touching my ass ?”

“ Yes.” Charles answered, “ it’s comforting.”

The driver laughed.

“ Happy to hear it.”

“ Don’t forget to win for a reward.”

“ Are you the reward ?”

“ I may be.”

“ Maybe I can get…a little of it already ?”

“ Max…Don’t tell me you want us to do…nasty things in the paddock ?”

“ As if you didn’t already when you were in Ferrari.”

“ I was a saint.”

“ Liar.”

“ What if someone hear us ?”

“ Doesn’t matter.”

“ Well…I have to say seeing you in your racing suit is…more than good. But I like you even more without.”

Charles unzipped his suit with a smile. Max felt hopeless when someone called in and stopped their moment.

“ You’ll have to wait.”

“ No… They can wait.”

“ Sound quite unprofessional Maxie.”

“ If you stop talking, it can be quick.”

“ It could. But racing first.” Charles smiled.

“ Don’t do this to me.”

“ Win and you’ll leave in a dream tonight. Okay ?”

Max complained but he had no choices. He was frustrated but he wasn’t going to die. Yet. Charles laughed when they left the room while Max looked desperate. Later, before he went to enter his car, Charles did the same as yesterday. He encouraged his boyfriend, hugging him this time.

As he hoped and expected, Max won and he was there again. Watching him get out of the car, congratulating him, hearing his anthem, lifting his trophy, the champagne. However like he said the day before, Charles went back to the hotel earlier than everyone else.

Being peacefully enjoying his bed, he didn’t expect Max be back so early. He almost laughed at himself. He should’ve thought of it. There was no way he was going to forget a reward. Max let himself fall on the bed and Charles could see he may have drank a little.

“ Chaaarles. Are you still tired ? Can I get my reward ? I won !”

“ Do you think you deserve it ?”

“ I’ve been good.”

The Monegasque smiled while looking at him. Max didn’t drink enough to be drunk but just enough to be even cuter. They started to kiss before quickly getting rid of their clothes. He wouldn’t be surprised to hear Max ask for a few new things to try. He was quite curious and wanted to try things he may like. If he wanted then Charles would do it.

“ Can you choke me a little harder ?”

“ It’s your reward. You get everything you want.”

Chapter Text

Max checked what people were saying after Qatar. People were talking about him not doing free practice and of course, how close he was with Charles. The fact he came to Red Bull, the way he was holding his hand and made sure he was always around. The media made sure to film them when Charles hugged him before he got into his car. He didn’t care, he was just curious. The dutchman had put his phone away, resuming his home training session. It didn’t last long, stopped when Charles showed up after coming back home.

“ Hi Maxie. Don’t stop for me, I can live without you for a little.”

“ I was done anyway.”

“ Really ? Aren’t you lying because you can’t live without touching me ?”

Max rolled up his eyes, getting closer and kissing him.

“ Happy birthday, my sunshine.”

“ You forgot pretty.”

“ Happy birthday my pretty sunshine.” He said.

“ Better. Thank you Maxie. We’re so old now.”

“ But you’re still hot.”

This time, Charles laughed.

“ Oh Max ! I never thought you would ever say something like that !”

“ I only say the truth.”

“ I’m not like I used to.”

“ I told you, you’re as good looking as you were before to me. I don’t care if you gain or lose weight.”

“ You haven’t seen what people says about me ?”

“ Why do you care ? They don’t know you. Most people that are judging doesn’t have a life or are jealous. Don’t care about them. Care about me.”

“ You’re right.” Charles smiled, “ As long as you find me attractive it’s enough.”

Max kissed him again before noticing he must’ve gotten a blood test. For a short moment, he’d forgotten he was sick. He was overwhelmed by this peaceful happiness Charles was making lives in.

“ It’s an usual check up, don’t worry.  I’ll be asked to have blood transfusion soon.”

Since the driver wanted honesty, Charles was giving him answers before he would ask. Max looked at him with puppy eyes.

“ You don’t feel good ?”

“ I do but I’m a little more tired lately. It’s not because we went to Qatar, it’s usual. I’ll follow you to America.”

“ But it’ll be 3 weeks, isn’t it too much ?”

“ I know my limits.”

“ If you need to come back home earlier, just do it.”

“ Lets talk about it later ! It’s my birthday…”

“ You’re right. Sorry. It’s lunch soon. What about going out and eating together ?”

“ If you pay for it.”

“ As if I made you pay for anything.”

“ You’re such a gentlemen.”

Charles chuckled and kissed his cheek.

“Go shower and we can go.”

“ Giving me orders…”

“ You like that, don’t act as if you didn’t.”

Max didn’t answer going in the bathroom to shower quickly. After petting the cats that were passing by and playing with them, Charles noticed a package on the table and got curious. He got closer to have a better look, seeing there was his name on it. He searched who had sent it before smiling. He couldn’t believe it. Victoria. He opened it. It was well packaged, he was going to take more time to unpack than anything else. It made him chuckle. There was a birthday card signed by Max’s family. They each wrote a little part which was heartwarming. He continued to look at what was inside, opening a letter in which was drawings made by his nephews. He smiled and continued, taking the gift that was from Victoria and her mom. A picture framed of him and Max taken on his birthday with a little post-it.

“ Thank you for making him smile like that ! Welcome in our family.”

It was so thoughtful as a gift. He’d never felt unwelcomed there. They’ve always been supportive and he knew how much It helped Max who’d been suffering from this situation. Not everyone was living their sexuality the same way. Jos wasn’t helping at all with that either. Without him, Max would’ve surely lived it better. Would they’ve gotten together before ? Would they even met ? Jos had been the one putting Max in racing. Without him maybe he would’ve never chose to do such a sport. So much would’ve been different.

He'd taken his phone, sending a text to Victoria and Sophie thanking them for thinking of him. They replied almost instantly saying it was nothing and they were pleased to do it. After all, if he was with Max then he was family. Victoria even joked saying he may turn from boyfriend to husband one day. It made Charles chuckles answering he hoped. He’d seen after they’d posted a public wishing he reposted. He could’ve never asked for something better.

“ You found it ?” Max asked.

The Monegasque had put his phone back in his pocket.

“ Yes ! Have you seen it ?”

“ They didn’t tell me what it was. I only knew they had a gift for you.”

Charles proudly showed him the drawings, the card and then the frame. Max had taken it and smiled.

“ I love it ! I think we look good.” Charles said.

“ We do. Put it wherever you want.”

“ We’re becoming so official.”

“ Are you going to talk about wedding ?”

“ Should I ? Because I want an expensive ring.”

“ That’s so sad. I’m poor.”

“ We really do look poor. Everyone lives in a penthouse.”

Max chuckled and kissed him. He left for a short time before coming back with something that looked like a gift. A huge one.

“ You’re really good at hiding things. But you didn’t had to buy me anything.”

“ That’s what I told you for my birthday but I got something. And I wanted to do it.”

“ When ? We’re always together !”

“ False. There is plenty of time when you aren’t around.”

Charles rolled up his eyes, taking the bag with a smaller he was giving him and noticing there was plenty of things inside. Max had spoiled him way too much. He laughed softly noticing among expensive clothes he bought there was red clothes from Ferrari’s clothes line.

“ Am I not well dressed enough ?”

“ I just thought it was going to suit you. It’s not the main gift.”

“ And red ?”

“ I like red on you. You know that. Just don’t wear it in Red Bull.”

“ Only if I can wear your clothes.”

“ As if you couldn’t.”

“ But it’s too much. I would’ve been happy with only that. Tell me you didn’t spend an insane amount of money.”

“ You don’t have to think about that !”

The Monegasque took the smallest bag seeing two boxes he recognized. Max had indeed spend a fucking amount of money. He felt guilty to not have spend as much for his birthday.

“ You’re crazy. I haven’t spend so much for you and-“

“ I don’t care. It’s not about who did more than the other. Open it. The biggest one first.”

Charles did as he was told, opening his gift which was the watch he’d seen not too long ago. He only said it once. Max was carefully listening to whatever he was saying. He’d taken off his current watch to put it on. It was perfect. He grabbed the last one, wondering what it could be this time. It ended up being an expensive ring.

“ Didn’t you say you wanted one earlier ? Here it is.”

“ I’m gonna cry.”

“ You’re so emotional.”

“ Good for everyone I’ll never get pregnant otherwise I would’ve cried every single day.”

Max laughed. He couldn’t believe what he was saying. But it was so Charles. That’s what he loved. The Monegasque kissed him.

“ Thank you so much. I love everything. Next time, can I have a Ferrari ?”

“ If I win the championship.”

“ Deal.” Charles smiled, “ You’re the best. Thank you for thinking of me.”

“ I mean I see you everyday. How can I not think of you ?”

“ Couldn’t you just say it was because you loved me ?”

“ I could have.”

“ But you didn’t.”

“ I love you.”

“ Me too.” The Monegasque answered, “ maybe you can put the ring on my finger so I can train my mind emotionally for the proposing day.”

The dutchman did what he wanted since he’d expected it. He knew him. When he’d chosen the gift, he knew he would do something like that. Stupidly, he was happy to do it. Seeing Charles’ happiness was enough.

They’d left after for this famous lunch. As always people recognized them and a few came either confident or shy to wish Charles an happy birthday. Max was annoyed but the Monegasque didn’t seem bothered and was gently thanking them. If it was pleasing his boyfriend then the driver would endure it. It was going to be a busy day. After all, it was to celebrate Charles and it was once a year. Despite the Monegasque thinking he’d done a lot with his gifts, Max thought it wasn’t enough. Nothing would ever be enough. Was it because he felt guilty of all the pain he caused ? All the years they wasted ? Or was it because he was scared to lose him after he’d asked if they were really made to be with each other ? He didn’t know. Should he start to look for help for his panic attacks ? Was it becoming too tiring for Charles added to his own illness ?

Feeling his heart starting to beat faster, he took a deep breath. Having a public panic attack once had been enough. Well it was even worse since it’d been recorded. Focused on himself, he haven’t noticed Charles looking at him. He got startled when he touched his hand.

“ Are you okay ?”

“ Yes. I was thinking too deeply.”

“ Of me I hope.”

“ Always.”

Max smiled, he was bad at hiding things from the Monegasque since he knew him way too much. But Charles was the opposite. He was way too good for it. He sounded more honest though. He hoped.

They continued their day, going to see Charles’ mom since she wasn’t going to be there for his birthday party. She gently asked how he was doing after they’d to leave early last time. Max felt embarrassed saying he was perfectly fine, apologizing again. Charles proudly showed the gifts he was wearing, the dutchman’s shyness hitting him. He watched the Monegasque get a gift from his mom, smiling. They looked so sweet towards each other.

In the evening, they went to meet everyone for the party. Charles’ brothers managed everything so there was really all the people who were close to him. Lando and Carlos were also there added to Pierre which surprised Max. He looked at the Monegasque who understood his confusion.

“ We made up. We’re fine now. You don’t have to be his best friend. Just be polite.”

“ I’ve already done it with Carlos. I can do it again. I’m gonna drink.”

“ I’ll drive you home anyway. Do whatever you want.”

Lando got closer to his friend while Charles was going to everyone and made fun of him.

“ 2 people you almost fought with. Are you gonna stay calm ?”

“ Only for Charles.”

“ You’re so in love.”

“ No.”

“ You can admit it now.”

“ Maybe.”

Max had seen Carlos was around the Monegasque, starting to feel jealous. The brit noticed it and chuckled.

“ They’re only friends, Max.”

“ They kinda fucked.”

“ Years ago.”

“ I don’t even understand. I never found Carlos attractive. No offense Lando.”

“ I’m reassured to know my friend doesn’t find my husband attractive. But they were only fuck buddies.”

“ Imagining them gives me nightmares.”

“ Don’t ! But we can still fuck together so we’re all equals if it’s that bothering.”

“ No !”

Seeing Max’s scandalized face, Lando laughed.

“ I’m kidding. There is no way I would do that with you.”

“ I don’t even know how to take it.”

“ What’s going on with this face ?” Charles asked after coming back.

“ Talking about cheating. Really casual.” Lando answered.

“ Are you trying to steal my Maxie ?”

“ He’s too complicated. Keep him.”

“ I’m here.” Max said.

“ We know.” Charles smiled, “ Do you want to meet my friends ? You don’t have to be introduced as my boyfriend.”

“ You can introduce me like that.” The dutchman smiled.

Lando hided his surprise but felt happy to hear something like that as he was looking at them going further. He went to see Carlos who was with Pierre. He stared at the Frenchman.

“ I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“ We talked.”

“ Good for you. So you changed your mind about Max ?”

“…I suppose.”

“ Not really convincing.”

“ Lando, let’s forget it.” Carlos said, “ He apologized. Charles forgave.”

“ Fine.”

Pierre sighed and chose to leave to talk with someone else. The Spaniard looked at Lando.

“ You don’t have to be so rude.”

“ I think he didn’t change his mind about Max and he’s a liar.”

“ He can think it as long as he doesn’t say it. We can’t stop it.”

“ I just hate it.”

“ You can but it’s Charles’ life. Not yours. Not ours.”

“ I just think it’s not fair. Max always did his best with what he had. Charles too. Pierre opinion used to be too harsh on them.”

“ Because he wanted the best for Charles. You can’t be mad at him for that.”

“ I don’t think you realize how hurtful it’d been for him. We talked a lot about it. But it sound like you’ll not change your mind. Let’s forget it. It’s Charles’ birthday.” Lando answered.

“ I do think they can be happy. I won’t lie. I thought they would never end together. But they did.”

“ It’d been hard for Max. You can’t understand. But it did. You all only sees him as the champion he is. Not the human.”

“ You’re right. I can’t understand. But I try.”

“ If I was mean, I would’ve said to try harder.”

“ But you’re not, right ?”

“ I don’t want us to divorce yet. So I’ll try to stay kind.”

“ Now that we’re married, I’ll never let you go.”

“ Sound quite possessive.”

“ Yeah.”

“ Did you buy the gift ?”

“…I…did…”

“ Carlos. Don’t tell me you forgot about it ?”

“ He’ll not be mad if we give it later…”

“ Carlos !”

Lando was scandalized while Charles was happily showing his boyfriend to his closest friends. Max was still a little shy but was trying his best. The Monegasque enjoyed his birthday with his friends including Max as much as he could. The dutchman stayed a little out of it. He had Charles for himself everyday, he could let others enjoy his presence more for a day. It’d been fun and great but as always, Max drank. Not too much but enough to let Charles driving them back home.

“ Chaaaarles. Why did you find Carlos attractive ?”

“ Are you jealous again ?”

“ Yes.”

“ I don’t know.”

“ Because we’ve nothing in common.”

“ I know. Maybe because you both were opposite. It was only for sex anyway.”

“ How was it ?”

“ I’m pretty sure you don’t want to know.”

“ I want to.”

“ It was great. Totally different from us.”

“ Different ?”

“ We can stop here.”

“ Finish what you were saying !”

“ Different because I wasn’t top. And it was mostly after races.”

“ Not top…Sound quite obvious seeing next to Carlos.” Max agreed, “ But you’re mine now right ?”

“ All yours.”

“ Do you like to have sex with me ?” The dutchman asked.

“ Yes but I think we’ll stop here.”

“ Would you like it more if I was finally top ?”

“ I never really liked being top but I don’t mind with you. Don’t be bothered by that.”

“ What if I’m not good enough ?”

“ We should talk about it later.”

Max stayed silent for a minute before talking again. Charles was almost afraid of his next topic.

“ I missed you so much for all those years. It was so hard to not have you around. I missed everything about you. I can’t believe I finally get to live a life with you. You’ll never leave me right ?”

“ After all those years of waiting ? Never.”

“ Are you happy ?” Max asked.

“ Yes.”

“ Me too.”

They finally got back home, finding the strength to shower and go to bed. Well. Charles had take the dutchman with him into the shower to give some motivation. Once they were in the bed, the Monegasque got his usual hug and kiss before Max fell asleep rather quickly. It made Charles giggling even if he fell asleep a few minutes later.

The next day when Max opened his eyes, Charles was still on his side which barely happened. He stared at him still sleeping, Sassy and Jimmy asleep between them. The driver noticed light bruises on his skin that he didn’t like. Was he really able to follow him to America like he said ? He sighed.

Choosing to not think of it right now, he gently woke him up since they’d to leave for Italy today. He’d left soft kisses on his face when he started to open his eyes.

“ Uhm…Maxie…Isn’t it too early ?”

“ Not really. We’re leaving for Italy. Remember.”

“ Right.” He yawned, “ Our little trip.”

The dutchman smiled and left a last kiss on his lips. After a few minutes they got up and started to get ready. They’d already packed their things 2 days before to not be in a rush. Lando was gonna take care of the cats while they weren’t here. He noticed another bruise but this time on his back. He touched it with his fingertips making Charles startle.

“ You have few bruises.”

“ It’s nothing.”

“ Is it really ? Maybe you should not come with me the first week. You should get your transfusion before going there.”

“ Will you feel reassured if I do ?”

“ Yes.”

“ I will then. I can come later like I did in Spa.”

“ Do you think you’ll get a transplant one day ?”

“…I don’t know. But if I do it’s…really harsh to endure.”

“ But you’ll get it anyway, right ?”

Charles nodded.

“ How does it work ?” Max asked.

“ What about talking about it in the car ? So we have lots of time.”

“ Okay.”

They finished to get ready, taking all their stuff and carefully thinking about not forgetting anything. Since they didn’t e ata breakfast yet, they chose to stop somewhere to eat in Monaco before leaving. They talked abut lots of stuff but Max didn’t forget what Charles said. So he asked again how was working such a transplant.

“ It’s more likely like a transfusion.”

“ Is it hard to find ?”

“ Not as hard as some other transplant. But there is always people with a worst condition than me. The best match is always your family because you can reject the transplant which is the worst thing. But none of my brother is a good match. But blood transfusion works well. And I got a treatment before.”

“ You said it was harsh.”

“ You have to stay in a sterile room for weeks. Then it takes months to recover. It sucks. You can’t be sick, you have to always be careful, can’t go in too crowded place. When you get your treatment it’s the same so I lived it.”

“ That’s why you haven’t been around for so long ?”

“ Yes and no. I only got the treatment like…a year before coming back. It was the worst year of my life. I want it to just stay behind and not think about it anymore. I go to hospital often enough to remind me.”

“ Yeah…Sorry.”

“ I understand your curiosity. It’s something you don’t know about.”

“ Are you in pain ?”

“ Sometimes.”

“ Does it make your hair less softer ?”

Charles looked at him for a second before giggling.

“ Is that something you randomly thought about ?”

“ No. It’s one if the first things I’ve noticed when you came back. It wasn’t as soft as I thought and it was almost comforting because it made you less perfect than I imagined you.”

“ It used to be softer. It does affect my skin too. Am I still perfect ?”

“ You are.”

The Monegasque smiled. He’d never thought he would be so well treated by Max. Not that he thought he was violent or something like that but he was way sweeter and softer than he imagined. Who would’ve thought he could be such a lovely partner ? It was like a dream. Charles covered himself with Max’s jacket before falling asleep. His nap lasted till they reached their destination, the dutchman waking him up.

Charles didn’t know what his boyfriend planned and Max was definitely full of surprises. He stared at the amazing villa that was in front of them. He was still extra.

“ Where are we ?”

“ Next to Florence. You said you wanted to come.”

He did. Once. Before disappearing. And he never went till now. His heart exploded. So even before he’d always listened to him carefully. It was something he could’ve cried about it.

“ You remember ?” He breathed.

“ I listen to what you say. I know. You’ll say it’s big for only us but I really liked it.”

The Monegasque smiled. What else could he ask for ? He had everything he ever wanted. Was it because they were only at the beginning of a relationship ? Of their passion ? Of their love ? It shouldn’t matter right now. Max came closer to kiss him with all the softness he had. They’d brought all their stuff inside, Charles looking and discovering everything. He could understand why Max had chose it. But he didn’t had much time to do it, the dutchman saying they should go in the city. He’d been surprised to see him so hyped about it but it made him happy. Charles followed him as much as he could hoping he wasn’t going to be too tired. The Monegasque wanted to take pics of everything to keep memories of their first trip together outside races. He’d taken lots of pics of the places and Max. The driver did the same but most of them were Charles. As always, they’d been recognized but not annoyed much. The Monegasque was the happiest to notice Max wasn’t afraid to hold his hand while walking. He knew the driver should be training and be focused on the races. But all Max wanted was to please him and celebrate. Charles never asked for them to go somewhere even less for a few days. However, Max wanted it.

The day had been so tiring that the Monegasque didn’t know how he’d done it till the end. When they went back to the villa, all he wanted to do was to go in this bed that looked comfy and sleep for days knowing he was going to only have a few hours. Tomorrow would certainly be the same but he wasn’t going to complain.

Chapter Text

Saying Charles didn’t live the best trip of his life would be the biggest lie. He enjoyed every moment of it. Florence had been great, Max the sweetest. But just as much as he’d loved it, he also hated all the hate he’d got from lots of people from being seen with him there. He hasn’t said anything till now but since he showed up at Red Bull in Spa, he’d been receiving lots of messages on Instagram. And they weren’t really kind. It was getting worse since Max was taking him everywhere he went. He already knew it would increase after those 3 weeks of following him. He’d heard from Lando that their proximity wasn’t pleasing people even in the paddock. Just like the news of Lando and Carlos being together didn’t please everyone. And only their closest friends were aware they were also married otherwise it would’ve been even worse. Why was it so complicated ? It shouldn’t be like that.

The Monegasque looked at his reflection in the mirror. Haters kinda liked to say he wasn’t like he used to and should lose weight. It was hard to not think about it, to not care. He advised Lando to do it but he couldn’t himself. Despite Max’s words of comfort, he hated what he was seeing. He almost felt like it wasn’t him since it hasn’t been what he was used to see for most of his life. When he was seeing old pics of him, it was a whole other world. He missed those times. He shouldn’t start to think about it already feeling something like a knot in his stomach. He wasn’t feeling well. But Max was leaving tomorrow so he shouldn’t show it like he did till now. He was afraid he was going to notice it. He looked away from the mirror and went to lay in bed, covering himself with the duvet. He was tired, disappointed in himself and on his look. He was quite glad Max wasn’t home yet.

He looked at his phone, checking his socials and answering some dm. Maybe he was a fool but he also looked at his haters’ dm which made everything worse. He chose to switch to his private to feel safer. He noticed a notification saying he’d been tagged by Max and Lando. He went to see the brit’s pic first noticing it was a few pics from his birthday. He finally smiled and liked it, leaving a comment.  For Max’s one, it was their trip in a few pics. Was he feeling happy to appear like that on his profile even if it was private ? Yes. But he still didn’t like how he looked. All of this because he was sick, had a treatment and had been taking medicines. He’d put his head under his pillow. He wanted to stop thinking. He stayed like that for a while before hearing his name.

“ Charles ?”

The Monegasque had put away his pillow to stare at Max who already looked worried.

“ What’s happening ?” He asked.

“ I’m tired.” Charles answered.

The driver sat next to him, putting his hand on his forehead as if he may have fever but he didn’t. He’d laid to hug him before softly kissing him.

“ Stay in bed then.”

“ Not really reasonable.”

“ Who cares ? It’s just us. We can stay in bed together.”

“ You can just say you wanna stay against me.”

Max giggled.

“ That was my intention, I can’t hide it.”

“ How are you gonna live without me for a few days ?”

“ I’m gonna survive. Not live.”

Charles laughed. He wasn’t surprised anymore. But saying he wasn’t pleased would be a lie.

“ I love you Maxie.”

“ I love you too.”

“ When was the last time you checked what people were saying ?”

“ Not too long ago.”

“ And ?”

“ I don’t care.” Max answered, “ Did you look at it ?”

“ No.”

“ It’s better like that. They’re stupid anyway.”

“ If you don’t care what did you look at ?”

“ Curiosity. It doesn’t affect me.”

“ I know.” Charles smiled, “ I’ll have my blood transfusion in 2 days.”

“ Sorry I can’t be there.”

“ It’s okay. You don’t have to be there for everything.”

“ But I should.”

“ No. It’s about me, not us.”

“ Even if it affects me ?”

“ Maxie. It’s fine if you’re not there because we’re almost always glued to each other. And it’s not like you’re partying while I’m there you have to leave for work.”

“ I feel like I’m not doing enough.”

“ Don’t say that.”

“ I just…I always think about what you said. The fact that you don’t mind dying.”

“ Is it the reason why you’re taking me everywhere you go ?”

“ …I prefer to keep you around. So I can be sure you’re fine.”

Charles sighed and hugged him tighter. He didn’t want to worry him that much. It was also the reason he wasn’t sharing a lot but it was already too much. The Monegasque haven’t shared what he was receiving. He’d checked what had been said publicly and it almost seemed to be kinder. Max wasn’t the type to check his dm either, Victoria was the one managing his socials. Charles had asked her to not say anything about it to Max and even if she didn’t really like this idea, she agreed.

“ I miss racing against you.” Max said.

“ We can go karting during winter break.”

“ I miss seeing you and racing in this stupid red car.”

“ Oh, more details.” The Monegasque chuckled.

“ Let’s go karting during break.” The dutchman said.

“ Okay.”

“ What do you wanna eat ?”

“ Whatever you want.”

“ Not really helpful.”

“ I know.”

Max was now silent, staying like he was for a whole minute before moving and lay properly next to him. His arms were wrapped around Charles’ body like a child would hug a plushie.

Finally Max ordered something for them, enjoying the Monegasque presence with simple things. They watched a few things together before they passed out against each other.

The next day, Charles was there when Max woke up. It allowed him to cuddle his boyfriend as much as he wanted before having to leave bed. He knew Charles had things to do in the afternoon so they didn’t had much time together before his departure. Was he unhappy ? Maybe. He took every opportunity to kiss him which the Monegasque seemed to find funny or cute he didn’t know.

He would’ve hated the person he was today a year ago. Someone who wanted to always stay around another, who was thinking of retiring and especially a boy who was loving another.

He wanted to laugh. He changed so much. He would not change his life anymore. Panics attacks were still presents. Sometimes he was thinking about his father and how he was such a disappointment. Maybe sometimes he hoped he never fell in love with Charles. Maybe he hoped he was different. But he understood it was better to just accept who he was. It was still hard. He was working on it.

“ Charles.” Max called.

“ Uhm ?”

“ We still have time. I was thinking we could go to the cove.”

“ Oh, the place you made me cry ?”

“ The one you told me I was heartless.”

“ You were to me.”

“ I went to cry at Lando’s house after.”

“ You didn’t.”

“ I did. I was hurt. Your words made me feel bad. But if you didn’t tell me all of that we may not be where we are now.”

“ So we cried for something.”

“ We don’t waste tears in this house.”

Charles laughed and hugged him.

“ I love you, my heartless boy. Let’s go to the cove and this time, we can share a kiss to forget bad memories.”

“ Sometimes you have great idea.”

The Monegasque pinched him softly. After getting ready, they’d left home to go there. It’s been so long since they went to this place. They sat on the peddles, staring at the sea and listening to the waves.

“ I used to come here a lot to think about how fucked up I was to love you that much.”

“ Is it why you brought me here the first time ?”

“ No. I thought you were too hot tempered and you needed something to relax or a place to just chill. Sometimes you were so mean !”

“ I was young.”

“ If it makes you feel better.”

Max acted as if he was offended before kissing him. He’d put his head on his shoulder after and stared at the sea. They stayed there for a while, enjoying the calm they were surrounded by.

“ I’ll have to go Maxie.”

“ It sucks.”

“ I know. I’ll try to see you before you leave.”

“ You better do !”

“ Or what ?”

“ I’m killing you.”

“ You would feel too lonely.”

“ I hate the fact you’re right.”

“ I’m always right, Maxie.”

They kissed before getting up and finally going their own way. Max went back home, finishing to pack his things. He was playing with the cats when he heard someone knock. It was strange. But he opened anyway. He froze up. He didn’t move nor said a thing. His father got in without asking for permission, Max closing the door by reflex. He could feel the panic attack coming. He tried to breath in and breath out without being noticed to keep control. It was the first time they were in front of each other since he totally fell for Charles.

“ What…What are you doing here ?”

“ The real question is why are you not answering me anymore ?”

The driver stared at him. Answering was too hard. He just felt like this kid he used to be in front of his father. When he got closer, Max stepped back.

“ Come on, son. You don’t want to hug your father after all this time ?”

His body was shaking. The tone was threatening. The same one he used when he was younger and did something bad. He was only living, why was he acting like that ? All his life, he wanted to please him. He tried again and again. He did everything. It was never enough. He’d never been enough.

“ You don’t want to hug me.”

“ Why are you doing this to me, Max ?”

“ I didn’t do anything.”

“ Is showing yourself with this faggot not something ?”

“ Don’t call him like that.”

“ So that’s what you’ve become ? You became weak since you started to be close to him.”

“ Stop that ! I didn’t. You’re the one who’s giving me all this anxiety !”

“ I did everything for you to be the best ! I made you. You would’ve been nowhere without me.”

“ You didn’t made me. I made myself. You didn’t won the championship. I did !”

Jos got closer and grabbed his collar. He was afraid. All of this was reminding him of his childhood. Whenever he was saying no or anything that his dad didn’t like, he either slapped or hurt him. He could’ve easily got out of his grip but he was frozen. And just like a child, he cried when he hit him. When he said he has to leave Charles, Max said no. Jos hit harder. So much words he didn’t remember had been said, a few hit too. The breaking point quickly came, his father not able to contain his anger. Knowing his son liked a boy was too much. He preferred him death than alive. It couldn’t happen. A Verstappen couldn’t be associated to this kind of things. It was a shame. Max couldn’t breathe as he was on the floor, his father’s hand around his throat. He watched him but his vision was blurry due to tears. He slowly lost consciousness while staring at him. Was he really going to die only because he dared to be in love ?

When he regained consciousness slowly opening his eyes, he could hear voices he didn’t recognize. Neither the people who came closer. They talked but it was like he couldn’t hear them. He finally recognized someone who gave him sort of comfort. Lando. The brit looked so concerned but his mind couldn’t proceed what he was saying. He remembered his father and tears started to fall again. Even now, he hated himself for being so weak in front of others.

“ Max.” He said again, “ They’ll take you to the hospital. I called Charles, he’ll be there.”

The dutchman opened his mouth to say something but Lando talked faster.

“ Don’t worry about your father for now. I’ll stay with you. I won’t let you alone.”

Max closed his eyes again. He felt tired. Everything that happened after was confuse. His mind was cloudy. All he knows was what Charles and Lando told him. He didn’t remember talking to the police and explaining what happened with shaky words. He certainly forgot a lot. He couldn’t believe it when the brit said he’d hit Jos since he came at the right time. Max remembered they’d agreed to meet at home for something he forgot at the moment. His body was painful. He listened what his friend had to say but tears fell down again. Did he deserve what happened ? Charles was trying to comfort him. But nothing could do.

“ And…And the race ? What about you ? Me ?” He managed to say.

It should be the least of his problems. It wasn’t.

“ I’ll go tomorrow evening. Ferrari is okay with that. We also talked to Christian. He thinks you better not race this week and planned a replacement.”

“ I need to race.”

“ What you need is resting.”

“ No.”

“ Max…” Charles tried.

“ I said no.”

“ Okay. Okay.”

The Monegasque stroked his hair softly after wiping his tears.

“ I don’t want to stay.” Max said.

“ You can’t leave before they release you.” Lando answered.

Max chose to be silent. He didn’t want to talk anymore. He turned his head away, not letting Charles touch him anymore who sighed but accepted it. They stayed with him in an awkward silence despite having a few panic attacks until he was finally allowed to leave. Since they thought it was better for Max to not go back home right now, they would stay at Lando’s. The dutchman left with the brit while Charles would go to take the cats who luckily didn’t escape or got hurt during what happened. Lando left with Max who stayed silent during the drive. It didn’t change when they entered the apartment.

“ We finally put furniture in our second bedroom so you’ll have peace. If you want to stay here for a while with Charles, you can. Carlos will not mind.”

“ Thank you.” He finally said.

“ Max-“

“ Can I go ? I should call my mom.”

“ Yes…I’ll make you something to eat a little.”

His friend nodded and left to go in the room. He closed the door before going to sit on the bed. He could feel his anxiety rise up again. He took his phone, staring at him for a minute before finally calling his mom. They cried. She did out of relief. He did out of pain. Sophie said she booked the first ticket to come. Max didn’t has the strength to say no. Maybe he just needed his mom.

When they hang up, he didn’t leave the room. Instead he laid on the bed thinking over and over again. He should be on his way to America. Lando should be too. He thought he’d already lived the worst days of his life in the past. But this one…It was the worst out of all.

The brit knocked before entering with a gentle smile.

“ Come eat a little. Charles will be here soon.”

Max followed not even knowing if he would be able to eat anything. He sat at the table looking at the food he cooked.

“ Carlos is better than me. But I did my best.”

“ It’s okay. Don’t worry. Thank you.”

Lando smiled before getting a call from Charles. He excused himself to his friend before leaving the apartment. Few minutes later, they were back with the cats and a few things. The Monegasque didn’t want to stress them more so he just opened the cage’s door to allow them to go out whenever they wanted. He went to Max gently putting a kiss on his hair. Lando invited him to sit and eat which they did. Not much but it was better than nothing.

As expected, the dutchman didn’t want to be around much. They didn’t say anything, letting him do whatever he wanted. Charles waited for him in bed thinking he was taking a long time. He couldn’t believe what happened. Jos trapping him and beating him was already a bad thing since he ended in hospital. However, hurting like that your own son was another level. Jos never deserved Max. Charles was concerned about his boyfriend’s silence. He knew him enough to know it wasn’t a good thing. Pushing him wasn’t the best move so he chose to not force him into anything.

When Lando called him in panic, his heart dropped. When he’d seen Max, it just got worse. He never really hated anyone. Jos was an exception. He didn’t know what to do. Max was complicated and he could go mad anytime.

The dutchman finally came in the room coming to lay next to him. They stared at each other a little before the driver talked.

“ I look like shit.”

“ Don’t say that.”  

“ You can be honest. I don’t care.”

Charles sighed but softly touched his cheek.

“ Maxie. I need you to listen to me. What happened isn’t your fault. And not racing this week isn’t a shame. I know it’s hard and you want to focus on it to not think about it but it’s not good either.”

“ It’s not fair to the team.”

“ Christian said you must rest. He’ll call tomorrow.”

“ Okay.” He finally answered.

Again, Max was closing himself.

“ Come here. Let me hug you.”

The dutchman got closer and snuggled against his boyfriend.

“ You didn’t deserve that.” Charles said, “ You can share what you think or feel whenever you want. Now or later as long as you are comfortable with it. I know you don’t want to talk yet. It’s fine.”

Max didn’t move nor said a word. He just wanted this day to end hoping it was only a nightmare.

Chapter Text

Max haven’t been able to sleep. All he could think of was his father. Was he a fool to feel like he was the one at fault ? To be ashamed of it ? He cried trying to be silent but couldn’t, waking Charles up. Or maybe the Monegasque haven’t been sleeping all along. Once again, he tried to comfort him but nothing nor no one could at the moment. The driver couldn’t bear it anymore sitting on the bed feeling his chest becoming painful and tighter. His panic attack became so frequent that he was used to it or at least as much you could be. It was still one of the worst feeling he ever experienced. He wanted it to stop, to be his old self. He waited till his body wasn’t shaking anymore to get up and leave the room without being held back by Charles.

He didn’t expected to surprise Lando who almost screamed out of fear passing by to reach the kitchen.

“ Bloody hell, my soul almost left my body !”

“ Sorry. What are you doing ? It’s the middle of the night.”

“ I can’t sleep.”

“ Me too.”

“ I still have sleeping pills left. Doesn’t work much on me anymore but it must for you. Is Charles asleep ?”

“ No. I woke him up while I cried my eyes out.”

The dutchman followed his friend to the kitchen, taking something to drink as Lando was getting pills. He handled it to Max who stared at it.

“ I took it for a while. It’s fine.”

“ So that’s who I am now ? Someone who has panic attacks no matter where he is, can’t find sleep without pills, got beaten by his father and isn’t able to attend a GP ?”

“ Don’t think of it like that, Max…Sleep and we’ll talk tomorrow.”

“ I don’t want to be this person ! When did I became so pathetic ?!”

“Is that what you think about me ?”

“ No ! No…I…I’m sorry…That’s not what I meant.”

“ You can think it, Max. But you’ll have to accept your flaws anyway. You can’t always be the greatest. Now, you should go back to sleep.”

He could only nod, ashamed and swallowing the pills once it was in his mouth. With a whispered good night, he went back to the bedroom, putting himself in bed. Charles was back at him and didn’t move. The driver thought for a second to hug him but haven’t done it, falling asleep rather quickly.

The next day, he woke up early but the Monegasque wasn’t there anymore. At least, this habit didn’t change. Was he comforted by it ? Not much. Staying in bed sounded great, what was waiting for him though ? Nothing. His race was made my another, his apartment would certainly lead to a panic attack so he was trapped here. After a while, Lando opened the door quietly before calling.

“ I made breakfast. Are you coming ?”

“ I’m not hungry. I’ll rest a little more.”

“ Okay. I fed the cats, I didn’t forget them.”

“ Thank you. Where is he ?”

“ Charles ? I dropped him at his appointment for blood transfusion.”

“ Oh…Okay.”

The brit left without another word. Max totally forgot about the transfusion. Was Charles going to resent him for not going despite being in Monaco ? Did the driver care ? Finding an answer was harder than he thought. His feelings about it were confusing. All he cared and wanted at the moment was sleeping to not think or be aware of all that happened.

Maybe he did love his life better before.

After watching the ceiling for longer than he thought, he took his phone that was on do not disturb mode. There was way too much text to his liking but the most important was from Sophie who notified she would be here during the day. He straightened almost feeling dizzy seeing Daniel’s text. Shakily opening the link the aussie had sent, his world collapsed. Everyone was already talking about the incident without much details since it must not be known yet. However this stupid article was showing a picture of him leaving the hospital. Apparently, they were going to investigate more but all the dots were leading to Jos as the responsible.

No. No. It couldn’t be so easily displayed by those fucking strangers. Showing such a vulnerable side of him was acceptable ? Something that private ? Tears started to fall, wiping them when his phone rang. Max answered since it was Christian but speaking was hard. The dutchman mostly listened before asking questions. All he wanted to know was when he could come back. The answer sounded uncertain but Max made it clear, he would not miss one more race.

When the team principle tried to talk about the information actually spreading, the driver stopped it. He also has another concern, what was the thoughts of his team about it ? They cared for him and were waiting for his perspective of the incident.

After the call, he couldn’t stand it anymore, getting up and ready. Max left the room surprising Lando who stared at his friend in silence as he was searching something in Charles’ jacket.

“ Where are the keys ?”

The brit was too stunned to speak at first before pointing where it was. Those were the only words he pronounced, taking the keys and leaving the apartment. Fortunately for him, finding the Monegasque’s car haven’t been difficult. Driving wasn’t relaxing making go faster than he should. All Max actually wanted was to be isolated from everything and everyone. His mother would be there in a few hours giving him time. Max ended on the boat, not too far from the harbor but just enough. Alone watching the sea and listening to the waves.

For hours, he stayed there. The only person who would be able to reach him was Sophie. When she did, he picked up.

“ Where are you ?”

“ On the boat. Hoping it’s gonna sink.”

“ I’m at Lando’s place already. He left for the race. I’m waiting for you.”

“ And Charles ?”

“ He’s resting.”

“ I’ll be there soon.”

As he’d said, Max went back to his friend’s place. He didn’t like the way Charles was looking at him as if it was pity. When Sophie saw him, she hugged him tightly, an embrace to which he responded. It felt so warm and gentle, hiding tears as much as he could. They went to sit on the couch but Max couldn’t speak, his throat too tight. Instead, she comforted him with sweet words saying he wasn’t at fault unlike his father. All the boy wanted was to be against his mother hoping that her love would solve everything. It didn’t.

“ What did you do ?”

“ Stared at the sea. Listened to waves. Thought a lot.”

“ I didn’t think you would be without Charles.”

“ I don’t like how he looks at me.”

“ How ?”

“ With pity.”

“ He would never do that. I’m sure he’s worried. Why don’t you go see him while I prepare dinner ?”

“ No.”

“ Okay, okay. Prepare with me then.”

The dutchman followed his mom like a child. His body was sore after being beaten by Jos. Not allowing his mind to think about it anymore, he focused on the dish Sophie was making. During the preparation, Charles didn’t show up.

“ Can you go and tell him it’s ready ?” She asked.

All Max did was nodding, going to the room and opening the door quietly before entering getting closer to his boyfriend

 “ Charles.” He touched his shoulder, “ Charles.”

“ Uhm…?”

“ My mom cooked something.”

“ Oh…Okay.”

“ You don’t feel good ?”

“ I’m fine. Only tired.” Charles answered, “ How do you feel ?”

“ Come. We can’t make her wait.”

His boyfriend nodded and got up following him. All they had to do was sitting and eat.  The atmosphere was uneasy despite Sophie’s attempt to make it lighter. The Monegasque only answered when he needed to, not wanting to get into an argument or be misunderstood by Max who was too tense. Knowing him, even the smallest thing would start a fire.

He played a little with the cats after, petting and giving them attention. The driver came silently and did the same, Jimmy snuggling against him.

“ I did something bad to your car.”  Max mumbled.

“…Not too bad, right ?”

“ No. But I know you’ll notice it.”

“ It’s fine. I’ll ask to fix it.”

“ Why are you always like that ?”

Charles looked at his partner not understanding his sudden upset tone.

“ What ?”

“ You’re never angry ! Since we started dating you’re always apologizing or saying it’s fine. It’s not fucking fine ! What should I have done ? Destroy it?”

“ It’s just a car. It doesn’t matter as long as you’re fine.” He calmly answered.

“ But I’m not !” Max finally shouted, “ I’m not fine. I’m tired of how you make me feel right now. You ruined my life !”

The Monegasque said nothing, staring at him as he was leaving for another room. Silently getting up, Sophie tried to say something but gently got stopped. Only able to watch what was happening in front of her. Her son who was hiding when Charles was about to leave after taking his stuffs.

“ Charles, he-“ She tried.

“ Please, don’t. Let me leave without fuss. He won’t be alone anyway.”

“ I’m sorry, he shouldn’t have yelled at you like that.”

“ Thank you.”

“ Where are you going ?”

“ I miss my family. I’ll go to one of them.”

“ You don’t want to say it ?”

“ I may enjoy some peace. I hope to see you again.” He smiled.

She couldn’t let him go without a hug. After finding his keys, he left without forgetting to pet the cats one last time. His first thought was to go to his brother’s. Going to his mom’s would only make her worry and she’d been enough with his illness. Going back home didn’t sound great either. Saying Arthur wasn’t surprised to see him would be a lie but welcomed not daring to ask why. After getting in, he apologized.

“ I’m sorry. I hope I’m not bothering you.”

“ No, of course not.”

“ Going to mom’s will make her worry.”

“ Does she has a reason to be ?”

“ Not really.”

“ I’ve seen everything that is said about Max.”

“ Can we talk about it tomorrow or later ? I have a headache.”

“ Is it serious ? Your argument ?”

“ Later.”

“ You know where the guest room is.”

Charles smiled, went to quickly take a shower then headed to the bedroom, closing the curtains before going to lay in bed. Being in the dark may help this sudden pain going away. His eyes started to be wet. He’d been understanding because what happened to Max was actually horrible but yelling at his face saying he ruined his life ? It wasn’t fair. Being mad for not being angry at everything ? Having an illness made him learn to take a lot more lighter than others unless he was pained. Dealing with Max’s bad temper had never been easy, it caused lots of pain before and was happening again. However this time, handling it was too hard.

Maybe everyone had been right. Nothing could last forever with his partner. He must accept it now especially while being sick. His focus should be on taking care of himself and not someone else. Especially when this person was acting like he did. Why did Max always has to tear up his heart ? Saying Charles wasn’t tired of it would be a lie.

In the meantime, the dutchman has left the room where he almost locked himself in. His mother’s gaze on him didn’t made him understand his wrong but instead, increased anger.

“ What ?”

“ What you said wasn’t okay neither yelling at him.”

“ It’s my business ! Aren’t you supposed to be on my side ?”

“ I am on your side. It’s for your own good ! What did you want ? Make him leave ? You did an amazing job at it. He supported you and you told him he ruined your life. No one but your father did that.”

“ Did it bother you when you abandoned me with him though ?” Max spitted.

Not waiting for an answer, the driver ran away from confrontation by leaving. Everyone was already aware of what happened, staying hidden didn’t mean anything anymore. Walking through Monaco seemed pointless till he finally reached what he’d been looking for. His usual club, a place where he would be able to drink and forget them all.

His goal quickly got reached, forgetting everyone and drowning himself in alcohol. Knowing it wasn’t healthy, it’d always been his way to deal with things. The problem had been who should he call to go back home ? Going alone didn’t sound safe even less walking. The dutchman finally called a friend who unexpectedly answered. Daniel showed up rather quickly with some worries on his face.

“ What’s happening ?”

“ Danny ! I knew you would never let me down.”

He got closer almost falling but getting catch up by his friend. It made Max laugh, wrapping his arms around his neck and kissing his cheek.

“ Thank you for picking me up.” The dutchman nodded.

“ You didn’t give me a choice. Get in the car.”

“ So bossy.”

Max walked to the car and tried to enter, struggling to even open the door. The eldest had to do it for him. Once in it, he made clear he didn’t want to go back to Lando’s place and instead sleep at Daniel’s. The Aussie understood it was pointless to ask why or deny and agreed. Once there, Max has been dragged to the bedroom where he stated not wanting to sleep alone.

“ You can’t leave me !”

“ What can happens to you after being put in bed ?”

“ Who knows ?”

“ What do you want me to do ?”

“ Sleep with me.”

“ That’s not…Where is Charles ?”

“ Not here.”

“ What is he gonna say ?”

“ I don’t care ! Are we not friend ? What if I die in my sleep ?”

“ Don’t say that, idiot.” Daniel sighed, “ Fine.”

This answer seemed to be pleasing enough for the youngest to undress and finally lay in bed. However, it wasn’t before Daniel was already laying in there. Max got closer staring at his face, moving his hand to his cheek without a word.

“ Have you ever dream of me ?”

“ Just sleep. It’s late.”

“ You’re so annoying.”

Not moving a inch, the aussie waited till he hugged him tightly and closed his eyes while his friend was stroking his back.

After a few minutes, he felt lips on his shoulder. Their gazes suddenly met again, the dutchman quietly moved going for a burning kiss. It was different but good. Their skins touching was warm and electric since all they were wearing was underwear. Daniel quickly topped him giving him a view he enjoyed more than he should’ve. His hands were on his friend’s tights which were still as muscular as before.

“ Kiss me.” The driver almost ordered.

“ Who said you could order me anything, uhm ?”

Despite that, he kissed him biting his lower lips harder than imagined but Max enjoyed it. They continued to play with each other, kiss, touch till they ended up naked. Not even once the youngest tried to stop this. Being roughly handled was pleasing, not even a hint of shame had been felt when he ended up in a doggy position. Daniel’s hand grabbing his hips in a way that would leave bruises for sure. Each thrust felt like getting closer to heaven, pleasure at its prime. And yet, he was begging for more. Harder, deeper.

When they changed position and swapped place, Max now being on top. He chucked. What a weird situation it was. As he was sitting on his friend’s tights, sweaty, he felt a hand going through his hair and then warm skin meeting his back.

“ Maxie…Didn’t you say I shouldn’t be jealous of Daniel ?” Charles whispered.

What a crazy dream. His boyfriend’s lips on his neck, the aussie’s hands on his hips. This fever, hot and arousal dream continued having a shameful threesome he would surely never to speak about. Was it an inner desire ? Something he really wanted ? No. His mind was only playing with him. This time, alcohol did hit hard.

Waking up next morning had been quite complicated due to all that had been drank. Max didn’t remember what happened nor his dream, yet. What confused him was feeling a warm body against his. Slowly opening his eyes, freezing finally realizing who it was. Remembering that he called, Max felt ashamed as he was finally letting go of him. Daniel was up already but couldn’t escape the embrace.

“ Where are we ?”

“ You refused to go back to Lando’s. Only my place.”

“ Sorry.”

The embarrassment increased but it wasn’t his friend’s case. Instead they ate breakfast after getting up, giving an opportunity to ask what happened. Max frowned and didn’t answer once again. His shame made him choke as memories popped up in his mind. How he liked it, wanted more. Begged.

The driver would never be able to meet his friend’s gaze again. It wasn’t even something he really wanted. Him ? Them ? Doing this kind of things ? Not in any world. The aussie had let it go till he noticed something on his phone.

“ Your behavior hasn’t been missed. People are talking about it. Us.”

“ Us ?”

“ Your little kiss has been recorded. I don’t think Red Bull will be happy to know you went to drink yesterday either.”

The dutchman knew they wouldn’t be. To him, this little kiss was trivial anyway. It wasn’t a proper kiss only a cheek one. The team was another thing, he was supposed to “recover” during this week off. How awful and stupid it sounded.

“ Why did you call me ?”

“ You’re my friend.”

“ But Charles is your boyfriend. Unless something happened.”

“ Nothing happened.”

“ I’m sorry for your dad.”

“ Me too.”

“ After all this time, I know you. Tell me, what are your thoughts ?”

“ I hoped the yacht would sank while I was on yesterday. Is it saying enough  ?”

“ Pretty much.”

They got interrupted, getting a call from Christian who wasn’t happy, scolding him but stayed gentle due to what happened. Max apologized knowing he shouldn’t have done it. All he wanted was to forgot everything, the pain actually felt. Being emotionless would be the best at the moment. However, this only could be a wish. Despite what everyone may think, he was human. One with fears, pain, doubts. Not the cold driver who wanted to destroy everyone else and win.

What had been said to Charles yesterday shouldn’t have. Max didn’t know if he really meant it. His life used to be simple. No worries to be seen kissing, heard or exposed. The thing that was unpleasant was to miss the Monegasque since there was no closure to this chapter, wondering what happened, why vanishing so abruptly.

Was it bad to not actually miss him right now ? To feel empty ? All he could think of was his career. The team. His father. The way he would prefer him death than being in love with the same gender.

It made Max think about what Charles once said. Were they really made for each other ? Or were they meant to be together for a while and parting ways at some point ? Or maybe they weren’t meant to be something. If they were, they would’ve been together way before.

If Max was really in love, would he even dream of someone else ? Thoughts and feelings were confused, not able to know what was true or not anymore. Deeply thinking, Victoria called to check his state, worried. After doing so, Charles has been mentioned. Sophie must’ve talked, the Monegasque wouldn’t have shared with someone their argument. This small talk made him annoyed. Why did they had to involve themselves in something they shouldn’t ? It was his business. Unlike yesterday, Max stayed calm but made her understand she better drop this topic right now. However, Vic has always been stubborn.

“ Do you even know he’s at hospital right now ?” She asked sounding a little upset.

“ How do you know ?”

“ I called him. He answered to not worry me and said he couldn’t talk much because he was there.”

“ Why ?”

“ I don’t know ! Call him, he’s your boyfriend.”

“ I don’t care.”

The dutchman hung up, not waiting for another answer. This has been enough to make him upset. Since he didn’t want to go in his apartment, Daniel went instead and took what his friend asked for.

In the meantime, Max got time to think. After a quick check, Charles hasn’t tried to reach. Why would he after what have been said though ? When the aussie got back, Max went to shower and got dressed. He intended to let all his frustration and pain get out with training alongside Daniel. However, the driver despite being ready, stayed in the bathroom and called the youngest who didn’t answer. It was irritating and frustrating.

Max ( 9:47 am )

Answer now

Charles didn’t reply nor called back. This simple fact increased his frustration. Calling again without more success made him lose his mind.

Max ( 9:55 am )

You better answer. What the fuck is wrong with you ?

Charles ( 10:04 am )

It’s over, isn’t it ? I have no obligation to answer in this case.

Max ( 10:05 am )

Don’t play with me.

Charles ( 10:07 am )

You are the one who shouldn’t play with me. Stay with Daniel or anyone else, I have no time to waste anymore. And if I recall your words, I ruined your life so who cares ? You said I was never angry, now I am. Fuck you.

The dutchman stared at his phone, breathless, his jaw becoming painful as he was grinding his teeth. Anger was the only feeling felt at the moment. Looking into the mirror, his own reflection made it worse, hating it. Hands trembling, answering seemed to not an option right now. Getting out of the bathroom, Daniel stared at his friend noticing something wasn’t right.

“ More gentle with the door.”

“ I don’t fucking care about it !” He yelled.

“ Don’t yell either.”

This calmness was irritating. Everything was.

“ So what ?! What should I do ?!”

“ Talk like a normal person and don’t break my fucking door ?”

“ I don’t want to talk.”

“ Whatever. As long as you don’t destroy anything including yourself.”

“ I want to punch you.”

“ Not really kind when I got your back, mate.”

Max followed silently, starting his training with his friend. It was more likely to get all his frustration out. It stopped at some point, his mind way too busy thinking of Jos. Anger had been replaced by pain. Sadness.

“ Why are you stopping ?”

“ Am I not enough ? I did everything he told me to do. I kept quiet even when he was hurting me. I loved him still. I won championship for him. Why ? Why doing this only because I didn’t follow any plan for once ?...I….Why ?...”

Daniel stopped, staring at the youngest who was looking at the floor.

“ I don’t know.”

“ I thought I could be someone without him. That I could finally be Max. I’m not sure of anything anymore, do I even love Charles ? Is it worth losing my father ?”

“ Some parents don’t deserve their children.”

“ I went against him. I thought it would be okay. That I would be fine without him. It was a lie.”

“ You only hoped he was going to love you more than the idea of his son with another man. I told you it couldn’t work and you would have to choose one day.”

“ I’m a fool. But…I…I’m not ready to lose my dad.”

“ He was ready to lose you.”

Daniel was right. Jos would’ve killed him. Max always loved him, did his best. Raced till couldn’t feel his hands nor fingers anymore when it was cold, loved him still when being dropped at a station in Italy only because he wasn’t enough. All of this, everything, had been forgiven. Slaps, harsh words and so much more have been. And yet, still wasn’t enough. His throat got tighter thinking of his first title. His dad hugging him, for a moment, the dutchman thought everything he went through growing up finally meant something.

“ Are you really doubting you love Charles ? You went against your dad. You stood up for him.”

“ When I look at him, I’m upset. I feel like that if I’ve never been with him, everything would be easier.”

“ You can’t blame someone who’ve always been there for you. Charles surely wanted to come out since the beginning, do a lot more than you both did at first. Anyway, he always followed what you wanted and cared about. You’re the one who waited for him and wondered what happened for years.”

“ What if we’re not meant to be together ?”

“ Since when do you believe in stuff like that ? Come on, mate. You found the one.”

“ I don’t know…I…I’m lost…”

Eyes getting wet, Max couldn’t stop tears falling. Painful heart, bruised and heavy. That’s all his father gave him. On the other hand, Charles deeply cared for his wellbeing. Always gentle and kind, caring since they were teenagers despite rivalry. Sophie loved him unconditionally and was supportive as much as Victoria. Both were showing what really was family. What love should be. Daniel softly pat his shoulder.

“ It’ll be okay. You’ll heal. But don’t ruin something that can last a lifetime. You still have your mother and sister.”

“ I can’t stop thinking about my dad and the fact he may be sentenced for what happened. I’m not sure I want that.”

“ Do you realize you could’ve died ? He’ll be sentenced with rights. Are you thinking of forgiving ?”

“ Can you call Charles ? Ask if he’s okay. He didn’t want to answer me.”

“ I’ll give a try. I don’t think he will tell me anything.”

“ He’ll never forgive me for what I said.”

“ Don’t-“

“ He’ll not.” Max interrupted, “ I know him more than I know myself. Pierre thought I would just do as before and destroy. He was right. Charles didn’t fully trust me, I could feel it. Now…I don’t trust myself either because I….I don’t know what I want.”

“ What did you tell him ? Is it that bad ?”

“ I yelled and said he ruined my life.”

“ Apologize.”

The driver has a bittersweet laugh before crying again, harder. Being on his knees begging for forgiveness wouldn’t change a thing. He felt it and was the only one to blame.

“ I really thought I could be myself. But who am I ? I thought I would be Max. The one I always wanted to be with Charles ! And yet, I can’t handle imagining what will happens to my dad. I feel guilty. Why did I have to be like that ?”

“ Like that ? Don’t talk as if it was bad because it isn’t. You’re in love, what’s wrong with it ? Nothing. You’re Max. Your dad didn’t make you what you are now. You became it despite what you went through and stayed kind towards people who deserved it. You never deserved what you went through. It wasn’t teaching or making you learn anything. It’d never been. You got your talent from your mom for sure.”

The dutchman wiped his tears. Right now, it wasn’t emptiness nor angriness anymore but heavy heart. Something that was weighing so badly, suffocating. Killing him.

“ I hate it. Everything I feel right now.”

“ I know.”

“ Maybe it would’ve been better if he killed me.”  

“ It wouldn’t.”

Silence took place, not even training anymore. Daniel tried to reach Charles who didn’t answer. Knowing you could almost find everything online, he searched and wasn’t disappointed.

“ He must’ve hurt himself, look at this. It just been posted.”

Taking the phone and staring at the pic, it was indeed the Monegasque having crutches and a knee splints about to get in the car followed by his brother. His partner seemed to be fine, nothing too serious or related to his disease. That was relieving.

“ He’s clumsy.” He sighed, “ He doesn’t seem too bad. I’m glad.”

“ See, you’re already changing your speech about him.”

“ You know, Sebastian told me that we must work on ourselves separately.”

“ Does it hurt to think about it ?”

“ I don’t know. I just…start to miss him.”

“ Apologize and it’ll be fine. Charles is kind and forgiving. He’ll understand the situation was too hard and overwhelming for you to react like that.”

“ But it’s not the first time I’m so harsh. I have no excuse. I’m…torn apart.”

“ You must choose now. Either your dad or him, both is impossible.”

Max stayed silent, aware of this fact, biting his lips. After a while and knowing his mom came here that fast to only be with him, he chose to go back to Lando’s. Sophie was there, cleaning things.

“ Someone came ?”

“ Charles did.”

“ Charles came here ?” He repeated.

“ Yes. He brought back all the gift you bought saying he didn’t want anything anymore. He also said you could keep his because he didn’t care. You missed him. I think he left 20 minutes ago.”

“ I’m sorry for yesterday.”

“ I shouldn’t be the one you apologize to.”

“ I know.”

“ What are you going to do now ?”

What to answer to that ? Max himself has no clue of the answer. Was there even a good or realizable one ? Maybe. One where things would stay like this, without ever trying to get the Monegasque back.

“ Did he says anything else ?”

“ A bunch of things.”

“ Which are ?”

“ He doesn’t want you to contact him anymore.”

“ I see.”

“ You can’t just say that. You’ve done a lot for him as he did for you and-“

“ You’re wrong. I didn’t do much. He did most.”

At the end, Jos did what he wanted. Destroying everything including his own son. His father wasn’t the only one to blame, Max did let it happen. He’d wanted to be someone without his dad. Not hardly enough. Deep inside, hopes were still alive to have both. How stupid he’d been. Emptiness came back. Was it all a nightmare ?

Chapter Text

Hi everyone, it's time to write some words since i disappeared for a while -a year-. A lot of things happened, including some painful and hard ones that I had to deal with. However, I don't want to leave Midnight Rain unfinished, not when it's almost finished and even less when it's my first Lestappen story, my baby. Please, look forward to the new chapter that will come soon. I promise this will have an ending. Not a rushed one, not a different one that was planned, but the one I always chose. 

Thanks to everyone who will wait for it, give support and like this story. As always, I'm grateful to all the people who liked my work, took the time to read, comment, or leave kudos. This is more than I ever expected or deserved. 

Thank you. For everything.