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Human.
He, Castiel, Angel of the Lord is human. Again.
But he doesn't mind. He doesn't mind because he gets to grow old with Dean Winchester: the righteous man, the man Castiel was supposed to build back from nothing and never give him another thought. But since when did Castiel play by the rules? Since when was he known as who he was meant to be?
Castiel had never thought he'd be human again.
Never thought - for some reason - that it'd even be close to a possibility. Yes, his grace was fading for a while but he- he never imagined it would end like this.
And he never thought it a possibility that he'd even be alive right now. He didn't really account for anything past confessing to Dean.
So when he had suddenly woken up and got spitten out right in the spot where he sacrificed everything, Castiel wasn't prepared at all. And he wasn't prepared for Dean to treat him like glass and like he'd disappear again.
It's a bit annoying at times but Castiel can get past that.
Because that's not what matters. What matters is that he loves Dean Winchester with everything in him and beyond. He's never loved anything as much as he loves this one human.
Sure he's rebelled against heaven before but he never rebelled so far like he did for Dean. And he doesn't regret it.
Sometimes yeah he'll miss his wings and miss flying. Sometimes he misses just doing whatever he wanted - well not really anything - but he wouldn't change a thing.
Castiel finds himself smiling just thinking about the way he loves Dean, even if Dean doesn't feel the same. He will always love him no matter what and he wouldn't change a thing of what they went through if it meant getting to see Dean become the person he's always wanted to be.
To see him become what he wants and not what John Winchester wanted of him.
To see him and Jack grow into something so beautiful. To see Dean become the father he always wanted to be with him. To see Jack grow.
He hadn't expected it but it's the best thing that has ever happened to him.
"Whatcha smilin' at?" Dean's voice comes from in front of him. Cas looks up to see Dean getting himself a cup of coffee.
"Just thinking." Castiel simply answers looking into those beautiful green eyes.
"Yeah? What about?" Dean says, sitting down across from the ex angel and smiles softly back at him.
"You." He says simply again. "And Jack, and the way I'm proud of how far you've come. And how much I love you."
"Shut up you sap." Dean pretends to be mad but he's blushing a deep red, before looking down again. He softly smiles again. "What if I said I was kinda proud of myself too?"
"Then I'd be happy about that. Dean, you should be proud of yourself, you deserve to be. After everything, you very well should be proud of yourself."
Dean just rolls his eyes but Castiel can tell he's soaking it all up. Like it's the last thing he'll ever hear Castiel say. He always does and Castiel doesn't know why. It's not like he's planning to leave anytime soon.
"Hey, Cas?" Dean suddenly questions after a few minutes of silence.
"What?" Castiel asks, looking into Dean's eyes again.
"Okay so you know how I've been doing things to make your time as a human this time actually enjoyable?" He asks. He continues once Castiel nods. "I uh was wondering if you wanted to go to a movie or bowling or… something?"
"Dean-"
"You- you don't have to by the way I just- I thought you'd want to do something fun. You could stay here and we could watch something in the Dean cave instead or-"
"Dean." Castiel finally gets out with a big grin on his face. "Are you trying to ask me out?"
"N-no?" He says but the way he says it makes it sound like a question.
"You don't sound so sure." Castiel says, grin just getting wider as Dean gets more nervous.
"No. No, definitely not asking you on a date. Just- just asking as a friend. Totally just a friend." Dean says but again to Castiel's amusement doesn't sound so sure.
"Whatever you say." Castiel says, still smiling a little but nods.
"So that's a yes? A movie and bowling?"
"Yes, Dean. A movie and bowling sounds great." Castiel says and then hesitates. "Although I don't know how to… bowl?"
"It's okay, I'll teach you." He says and then winks.
"O-okay."
Dean then seems to realize what he did because he blushes again and leaves the room telling him to be ready in a few hours.
Castiel just sits there in confusion not knowing what just happened.
//
"Fuck I'm such an idiot." Dean says as he paces around his room nervously. "What the fuck did I just do?"
He paces more continuously asking himself why he actually winked at Cas. For fuck's sake he hasn't even told Cas he feels the same goddamn way.
And that grin? Cas definitely knew what the fuck he was doing to Dean.
"Dean? What are you doing?" Sam's voice comes from behind him as he starts pacing again.
"I need your help." Is all Dean says before he pulls Sam in the room.
"With?"
"IaccidentallyaskedCasout." Dean mumbles in a rush.
"Huh? Dean I literally have no idea what you just said. Slow down and tell me again." Sam says, confusion written all over his face.
"I accidentally asked Cas out?" Dean says but makes it sound like a question.
‘Dumbass you keep doing that. Winchester, get yourself together,’ He thinks to himself before looking back to Sam.
"You- accidentally?" Sam asks.
"Yes, Sam. Accidentally." Dean groans sitting on his bed and putting his head in his hands. "And I winked at him."
"Dude."
"Shut up, I know."
"How did you accidentally ask Cas out? And accidentally wink at him?" Sam laughs, obviously finding joy in Dean's pain over this.
"I don't know! I was just asking if he wanted to do something fun because that's what I've been doing. Just to make his time as a human this time actually enjoyable, right? And I accidentally made it sound like I was asking him out on a date." Dean groans again but this time looks up to see his brother with a shiteating grin on his face. "What?"
"Would it be so bad if it was a date?" Sam asks still fucking grinning.
"Yes! No? I don't fucking know, Sam! I don't even know how I feel." Dean whines leaning back on his bed.
"I think you do."
"What?" Dean asks, shocked.
"Dean, I think you do know. You know but you don't want to think about it so you push it back." Sam says again.
"Sammy-"
"Dean, you love him. I know it, you know it. Everyone knows it, possibly except for Cas." Sam interrupts. "You know what actually maybe he does know and he's waiting for you , Dean. Would that really be so awful? You've wanted a normal, or as normal as you could get. This could be your chance."
"Sammy I can't." Dean says, putting his head in his hands again.
"Can't what?" Sam softly asks.
"I don't know. I just- Sammy I can't. I'll just fuck it up like I always do." He says and feels tears start to prick at his eyes.
"Dean, look at me." Sam insists.
So Dean does with tear filled eyes. He looks at his little brother questioningly.
"What?" Dean tries glaring at Sam but it doesn't work.
"You won't fuck it up I promise you that. Cas loves you and you love him and that's it. It's really simple."
"No it isn't." Dean snaps without meaning to. But he can't bring himself to care about that at the moment.
"How so?" Again Sam's voice gets impossibly soft.
"He's never had it easy, Sam. I've had multiple chances to make it up to him and I fuck it up even more each time. I even fucking kicked him out the first time he was human! Who does something like that? A fucked up human being is who." Dean says in a rush before Sam could interrupt him.
"Dean, that was not your fault. You just wanted me to live. Granted you could've given him money or something. Gotten him on his feet, but that's still not your fault. You were doing what had to be done at the time, regardless of how fucked up it was." Sam says. "You are my brother and I just want you happy, De. Cas is like a brother to me too and I just want him happy too, I want you guys happy together."
"Sam-"
"No. Dean, it's really simple. You have a chance to make it up to him again, why not use that chance? Just treat him like you've always wanted and that's it."
"It isn't just that though, Sam." Dean mumbles.
"Then what is it?"
"Dad he- he knew even before I did that I- that I like men too. He did shit that I still can't and don't want to tell you about. He uh… the first solo hunt he sent me on? Do you remember that?" Dean stops and looks at Sam again before he nods hesitantly. "It was these two lesbian nuns who got discovered so they killed themselves so they wouldn't have to live without each other. Sammy, it was awful I didn't- I didn't want to do it but I did because I had to. I think it was a punishment for me from him and I didn't understand then, didn't know why. And now I do and I've felt like a monster my whole life, I thought I was dirty. Dad kept- kept telling me that two men shouldn't- you know. Same with two women and he just- Sammy he sneered at every same sex couple he saw."
Sam doesn't say anything so Dean looks up again to see his horrified expression.
"Sammy?" Dean asks hesitantly. "Are you okay?"
"Y-yeah, I'm fine, Dean are you? Why didn't you ever tell me this?" Sam asks.
"I couldn't. I didn't want you knowing something like that, it wouldn't have been fair to you. And you and him had already never been in cahoots with each other so i- I kept to myself. I'm pretty sure Cas is the only one who knows." Dean says, whispering that last part.
"Dean, I'm so sorry." And before he knows Sam has pulled Dean up and into a bone crushing hug. And Dean's not gonna lie, it feels good to be hugged like this. He even feels more tears start to prick at his eyes.
"Okay, okay enough." Dean grumbles, pulling away.
Sam laughs and sits back down on the chair in Dean's room.
"Do you need any more help or?" Sam asks.
"I don't know what to wear…" Dean admits.
"Jesus you sound like a teenager-" Sam bursts out laughing despite Dean's complaints.
"I feel like one." Dean groans. "I haven't felt this way in a long time, Sam and I don't know what to do. I'm all out of practice and out of my depth with this. I think the last time I felt this… giddy or whatever about someone was- my god I think it was Cassie and that was a long time ago."
"Do you get how ironic this is?" Sam says laughing again. When Dean just looks at him questioningly Sam continues, "Cas and Cassie. Dean, they share the same name. There's more to it I'm sure but dude."
"Yeah, whatever." Dean rolls his eyes but still grins.
"Anyway I'm not the one who should be helping you. Ask Eileen, she's better at date advice than I am." Sam says.
"Okay fine just go get her."
Dean watches for a moment as Sam stands from the chair and ducks past the door, surprised he didn’t bitch about him being too controlling. It’s barely five minutes before a soft knock on the door lifts him out of his thoughts. Eileen stands in the doorway, grinning widely and Dean kinda wants to call Sam back.
“What are you smiling at?” He attempts some sort of gruffness but her smile is so wide it’s infectious.
Eileen shrugs, “nothing, much. Just some guy that’s madly in love, I guess,”
Dean signs as fast as he speaks, sloppily but definitely more confident than he used to be, “The hell is that supposed to mean, kid?”
“Nothing, nothing,” She laughs. “So, are you going to let me see what we have to work with?”
Dean grumbles and stands to open his closet. He makes sure to turn around before muttering, “you’re worse than Sammy.”
Which receives a loud snort and a light punch before she moves him aside and reaches for his excessive amount of flannels.
"Why are flannels the only thing you own, don't you have like a nice button up or something?" Eileen asks, turning to look back at him.
"No. I think the only nice thing I own is the suits Sam and I use when we act like the fbi." Dean says. "Plus it's just a movie and bowling so I have no idea why I'm freaking out so much about this. And it's not like Cas will care so again I don't know why this matters so much to me."
"You'll be fine, don't worry." She signs and goes back looking through Dean's clothes.
Eventually she picks out a blueish green flannel with blue jeans. Dean's pretty sure the colors were on purpose.
Eileen claps her hands in satisfaction before ushering him to go change. She grins when he comes out of the bathroom freshly changed.
"So?" Dean asks, spreading his hands wide with a wobbly smile.
"I may be with your brother but damn you look good. I do my job well." She signs grinning.
Dean scoffs, turning the lightest shade of pink, “Yeah, yeah, quit buttering me up.”
“I’m just saying what we’re all thinking.” Eileen shrugs, moving him to face the mirror.
He turns to look at himself and it suddenly hits him that he's actually going on a date. With Cas. A date with best-friend-probably-the-love-of-his-life Cas and crap what if he screws it up? Wait, was it even a date? It all seems a blur looking back to when he floundered through asking him out. Did Cas seem confused?
“Dean. You’re overthinking again.” Sam appears in the doorway again, drinking some green-sludge smoothie.
“Woah, woah! House rules, Sammy: no drinks that aren’t beer near my room.”
Sam rolls his eyes, ignoring his brother and entering to greet Eileen with a kiss on the cheek, “did you give him date tips? I was hoping to listen in, make fun of Dean a little?”
Eileen laughs, eyes bright with adoration, “sorry, Sam. He’s all done. You can make fun of him now, though,” She grins as Dean protests with indignant noises.
Which he does. Sam teases him relentlessly until he eventually stops and Dean sits on his bed with a sigh, going over things again. What if he really does fuck up and Cas doesn't want to talk to or see him again? What if he can't say those three little words?
"Dean, stop. I can literally hear you overthinking. And I'm the one who's deaf. Everything will be fine." This time it's Eileen who says it as she goes to rub his shoulders.
Dean just laughs and leans back into Eileen's touch as she continues massaging his shoulders. Dean feels himself relax more and more as Eileen does this.
He finds his mind empty of any doubts and his usual self deprecation. His mind is finally quiet for once and it feels like heaven.
He even finds himself ecstatic for this date-but-not-a-date.
//
“Son of a bitch,” He mutters under his breath.
Out of all his doubts and overthinking, Dean mentally slaps his face for forgetting a crucial detail- Cas looked good .
Out of that weird suit he never took off, Cas walked over to where Dean was waiting by the map table wearing an outfit that Dean couldn’t look at for too long if he wanted to keep a regular breathing pattern. Legs clad in gray trousers that Dean didn’t recognise and a black turtleneck, with two gold chains resting on his chest. Dammit, Dean is a goner and who the hell dressed Cas up, because there’s no way it was just him. The last time Cas picked out his clothes he wore yellow shorts, a pink top that read ‘bees?’ and Dean’s old boots. Course, Dean was still completely smitten but that didn’t mean Cas didn’t look ridiculous. “Hello Dean.”
Dean resists the urge to roll his eyes, why did Cas have to greet him like that? All gravelly and serious and ho- Dean clears his throat, “Hey Cas, you ready?”
“Just a few seconds, I need my coat,” Cas smiles and reaches for where the ugly trench coat rests on the back of a chair.
“You know, bud, there are other types of outerwear,” Dean grins as Cas squints angrily at him.
“I do know that, Dean. I just prefer not to look like a lumberjack.”
“Wha-hey! Eileen picked this out so this isn’t my choice. I do not dress like a lumberjack, quit saying that! Why the hell are you smiling like that?” Dean grumbles: Cas is smiling like he knows a secret Dean is unaware of.
“Eileen picked out your clothes? Why?”
Dean avoids Cas’ stare and gestures to the door, “Let’s get out of here, huh?”
Cas shrugs, nodding and following as Dean leads them out. Real damn smooth, Winchester , Dean breathes a sigh of relief. He holds the door for Cas and just as he’s about to trail after him he spots Sam and Eileen grinning too widely for his comfort. “Go get him, tiger,” Sam smirks, giving him a cheesy double-thumbs-up.
“It’s going to be great, Dean. Don’t worry.” Eileen signs as she speaks, offering Dean an encouraging smile, “If Cas wasn’t into you, he’d have been scared off years ago.”
Dean flips them both off, “Shut the hell up.” He peeks around the door before closing it, “Thanks you guys, you uh, you don’t suck that often.”
Sam wipes away a mock-tear, “What happened to ‘no chick-flick moments’, man, you’ve grown.”
Dean shuts the door after telling Sam to fuck off and catches up to Cas, he’s already waiting outside Baby when he jogs up beside him. “Is everything okay, Dean?”
Fuck, his eyes are really blue right now , “Yeah, yeah. Just Sammy wanting me to grab some rabbit food before we head back.” Dean unlocks the car and nods to Cas, “Shall we?”
Cas smiles again and Dean swears his eyes are brighter than ever, “We shall.”
Throughout the whole drive Dean feels Cas's eyes on him and he'll glance and smile back whenever he can but mainly keeps his eyes to the road. He also finds that he really wants to hold Cas's hand.
Wait I could- the thought comes at Dean full force. He could hold Cas's hand if he wanted to, and Cas wouldn't - hopefully - question it.
So that's what Dean does.
He carefully takes one hand off the wheel and lets it take Cas's hand without hesitation. Still keeping his eyes on the road, he feels a small smile form on his face when Cas takes it and lightly squeezes his hand.
Dean never thought he could do something like this so openly with someone else. He never thought he'd ever be able to get past John Winchester's words. His sneers. His god awful lectures about how Dean shouldn't do what "those people" do. The way he'd brag that his eldest son wasn't a- Dean doesn't even want to think it.
But he's gotten past that. He's come so far from thinking what his dad wanted him to think.
And Dean is not ashamed to say he's damn proud of himself for it.
But that's not important right now.
What is important is that he gets to be with Cas, gets to hold his hand. Gets to be wholly and truly himself without feeling ashamed of it. And he's not.
He's finally not ashamed of who he is.
The rest of the drive to the bowling alley consists of both Dean and Cas occasionally looking at each other for a second before looking away. They keep holding hands the entire time too.
And fuck Dean is so in love with his best friend.
//
Six hours, two rounds of bowling (which Dean somehow lost both) and a movie later, he and Cas are on their way back to the bunker.
"You have fun?" Dean asks when they're halfway there.
"Of course Dean." Cas answers with a smile.
“Good, good… you feeling tired? I mean, we could go to the Dean-cave when we get back and, uh, I think Scooby’s on-”
“I’d like that,” Cas chuckles lightly.
Dean despises that he stutters over sentences when he truly likes someone. “Cool, then, we’ll… we will do that, then, yeah.”
“Okay, Dean.”
Dean nods, eyes flicking between checking the road and looking at Cas. Sam always hassled him about it, ‘eyes on the road, Dean, you’ll get yourself killed’ , what sucks is that he was right. He swears the road was empty a second earlier, but when his eyes reluctantly leave Cas’ face, a lorry powers directly at them. There’s barely any time to think before Baby spins off the road, out of the lorry’s way. It honks and swerves too- the driver slams the brakes and hops out. Dean doesn’t really remember much of what happened.
They come to an abrupt stop after spinning for what feels like a decade. Dean doesn’t seem to be able to focus his eyes. He needs to know if Cas is alright. His head pounds, pain pulsing softly from his temple and down his neck. “Cas?” He rasps out, blinking in a weak attempt to clear his eyesight. “Cas, man, say something.” Dean groans as he tries to move from where he’s lying.
“Dean? Dean!?” Cas sounds better than Dean feels, it’s reassuring if not completely relieving. “Dean, are you okay? Can you move?”
Cas’ hands are insistent as they smooth Dean’s hair down and cup his face. It takes all his willpower not to instantly melt at Cas’ touch. “I’m alright, yeah, god, Cas I’m fine, quit looking at me like that-”
“I’m not looking at you in any particular way. That was a rough crash, your car took the brunt of it but you were unconscious for a worrying amount of time. How many fingers?” Cas holds up a hand, moving it slightly and making Dean’s head spin.
He reaches to hold Cas’ hand still, “ I’m fine . Nothing major, maybe a headache but it’s all good. We should be talking about you right now, you’re barely graduating human lessons- you can’t heal like you used to, y’know?”
Castiel rolls his eyes and helps Dean sit up, propping him against the side of the door, “I’m not completely helpless, Dean. I know what I’m doing.”
“I don’t doubt that, but you gotta admit there’s a learning curve that car crashes have no business being in.”
Cas grins but doesn't say anything as they start driving again. This time Dean’s actually paying attention to the road in front of them.
He still holds Cas's hand though.
And when they get back to the bunker they keep holding hands up to the door.
Dean should've expected Sam and Eileen to be right there and bombarding him and Cas as soon as they get in the bunker. But for some reason they didn't.
Cas leaves him to go get snacks from the kitchen grinning and shrugging when Dean tries getting him to stay. He assumes Cas is heading to the Dean cave.
Hopefully.
"So? How was it!" Eileen signs with a big grin on her face and jumping up and down on the balls of her feet.
“Son of a bitch,” Dean mutters under his breath, “Where did you come from?”
Eileen grins and shrugs, “that doesn’t matter- how was it!??” Her grin is so wide Dean has to reflect it and (although he denies it) a faint blush pairs with his own smile.
“It was good, yeah, um, we played a couple rounds of bowling. Watched a movie." Dean shrugs with a smile.
"That's it? Not that I'd want to know if you guys… you know, but really? No kiss? Nothing?" Sam pushes.
"No, Sam." Dean rolls his eyes and tries to move away from them. “What are we, teens at a sleepover?”
Sam makes a sound of indifference, and Eileen cuts in, “nah, but we thought you were less of a chicken, I guess.”
Ouch , Dean practically clutches his pearls. “I am not a chicke- I’m not arguing about this with you. I’m going,” Dean slips past them both, towards where Cas has long since disappeared through.
“Wuss!”
He takes back ever thinking those two were not that bad. They’re as awful as each other. Dean flips them off as he walks away. Shit, what if Cas has gone? What if he thought I wasn’t coming, what if he didn’t want to stay? Dean shakes his head like an etch-and-sketch, trying not to entertain his irrational thoughts. It’s not hard to forget when he enters the Dean-cave.
Cas sits in one of the recliners, already halfway through a bag of doritos- Dean grins, Cas could go through like 10 in one sitting if he didn’t constantly share them. “Hey, you saving any for me?”
Cas silently holds up another, unopened bag: his eyes are glued to the tv. The tv was Dean’s pride and joy, after the last one was (tragically) destroyed, Jody and the girls surprised him with a brand new one. Sam, the jerk, must’ve told them about the Dean-cave which goes against the rules of the cave but he doesn’t really mind if they’re handing out tv’s. “You need to eat 67 doritos to catch up,” Cas says through a mouthful.
Dean chuckles lightly, joining him on the seat beside him. “Maybe you should stop shoveling them in your mouth and eat them 1 or 2 at a time?”
Cas makes an indignant sound of protest, “Dean, that isn’t how they’re intended to be eaten…”
“Cas. It’s 1 to 2 at a time, 3 max. Most people don’t shovel them by the half dozen-” The rest of his sentence is muffled by the handful of doritos being shoved into his mouth.
“Shh, eat.” Cas smiles as Dean starts to chew, patting his cheek and turning back to the screen.
Dean blushes because, oh my god he touched my cheek and clears his throat, “So, what’re we watching, bud?”
“Tombstone,”
Dean chokes on his half-eaten dorito portion.
Cas raises an eyebrow at him questioningly with a smirk on his face, "you okay?" The ex Angel grins at him clearly knowing what's happening.
"Good. Yeah, I'm good." Dean coughs, blushing furiously.
Cas just laughs and they go back to watching the movie, Dean feeling himself inch closer and closer to Cas. Then Cas does something he probably should've expected but didn't.
In time with Val Kilmer, Cas locks eyes with him and says, “I’m your huckleberry.”
Fuck, that’s still hot , Dean tries to ignore how dry his mouth is. When Cas said it the first time, Dean knew it wasn’t in the way he expected. He knew Cas was just quoting the movie, he didn’t understand what Dean was trying to say. It may not have slowed his heart, or made it any easier to breathe but at least he was convinced to some extent. This time he fails to reason with his head.
Because Cas is still holding eye contact. Blue eyes forever boring into his soul. He should probably say something… he doesn’t. A lifetime passes and still Cas just stares. The movie is playing in the background, Kilmer’s probably riding off into the sunset and Dean can barely pay attention to his favorite movie because Cas is… well, Cas . “You still say that quote so weirdly,” Dean tries for humor.
“ You still don’t get what I’m saying.” Cas replies.
Oh. “What, what do you mean then, Cas?”
“You know. I say this quote for the same reason you got me to watch this movie with you the first time. You know , Dean.”
And he does, he knows. He's just- he's scared. He's scared because he doesn't want to lose him, not again. He can't and he won't.
"Kn- know what?" Dean says acting clueless.
"Dean, do I really have to spell it out for you?" Cas says exasperated.
"Maybe?" Dean says, making it sound like a question. In truth he really doesn't need him to. He just wants to hear Cas say it first again, say it first without the threat of the empty or Billie, or the threat of getting interrupted. He just wants to hear it first.
Cas looks like he’s about to say it and Dean’s heart stops in preparation, but then he just shrugs. “Well, you let me know when you figure it out, okay?”
And he turns back to the tv, flicking through Netflix for another show to binge and Dean is still staring, dumbfounded. Why didn’t Cas say it? He could’ve said it but he… didn’t??
"Cas." Dean whispers looking at the ex angel worriedly. "Are you okay?"
"Fine." Cas just says and looks back to the tv.
"Cas." He tries again but Cas just refuses to look at him. "Cas please look at me, what’s the issue now? You were fine a few minutes ago and now you're giving me the silent treatment? What’s up, man?"
"Dean, can we just watch the tv." Cas says glancing at Dean for a second before looking back to the screen.
"No." And Dean grabs the remote and turns the tv off, turning Cas to face him. Cas still doesn't look at him though, he looks down at his hands in his lap. Lips pursed and refusing to talk. "Cas please just look at me, I can't handle this silent treatment stuff, not again."
This time Cas does look at him.
"Why won't you say it?" Cas whispers, tears starting to fill his eyes. "I know you know how you feel, we both do. So why can't you just… say it ?"
"I- I don't know."
This clearly wasn’t what Cas was looking for. He tilts his head, annoyed and tired. But it’s the honest truth. Dean doesn’t know why he can’t say it! The people he’s said it to- he always loses them. It can’t happen to Cas, so if that means he never gets to tell Cas how he feels, fine. He can show him, he can do things for him and hope he understands what Dean’s trying to say. Apparently that plan had a few flaws.
“Dean? Dean…” Cas furrows his brow as silent tears fall down Dean’s face.
“Fuck, I don’t know, Cas. I’m scared as shit, here. You, me, us, this is something I’ve never had before- I don’t think anyone can properly have what we have, y’know- I can’t lose it.” He clears his throat as his voice threatens to break, “Cas, when you said- when you said what you said it was, I couldn’t even, you were there and I, then the empty,” he takes a shaky breath before continuing. “You said what you said, how you feel, and I lost you. Like, no-way-out lost you. That, that can’t happen, man. I’m not strong enough for that. So if that means we chill out like this and dodge the obvious then I can do that. What I can’t do is life without you, Cas.”
Dean had lost himself in the rant so he didn’t really pay attention to Cas advancing towards him. He doesn’t really notice as Cas places one hand on his face and the other over where the handprint had long healed. Cas looks at him and Dean finally sees him. “I’m not going anywhere, Dean.” Cas promises and hell, Dean just knows it’s true.
He presses the side of his face into Cas’ palm and breathes out. He isn’t losing Cas, because he and Cas are bonded. Profoundly. Dean chuckles at that and sighs, smiling, because he’s sure Cas isn’t leaving any time soon and Dean definitely isn’t pushing him away.
“Cas. I love you too.”
If possible Cas's smile gets impossibly wide. Damnit, Dean desperately wants to kiss him, and it hits him that he can kiss him. That he can hold his hand, kiss him, he can do anything with him.
So Dean presses close and kisses him.
And oh this is better than Dean ever could've dreamed of. Dean grins into the kiss feeling beyond giddy that he actually gets to do this.
They end up pulling apart because Dean starts laughing. Hysterical laughter punches its way out of Dean and Cas just stands there giving his signature head tilt. He probably looks crazy right now but really, who could blame him? He finally got to kiss his best friend of thirteen years.
"Dean are you… okay?" Cas asks with a hesitant laugh of his own.
"Heh…yeah all good. Just- can't believe I actually get to kiss you now." Dean giggles again and pulls Cas close again.
"Well maybe you shouldn't have waited thirteen years to do it." Cas shrugs with his own grin.
"Wh- hey! You don't have any room to talk you little shit." Dean says faking being offended.
"Oh, I'm a little shit huh? I was an angel so I had an excuse." Cas shrugs again. "What did you have?"
"For one, a whole ass identity crisis and two, I didn't even know angels could feel that way." Dean scoffs.
"I didn’t think so… but when have I ever gone with what’s expected of me?" Cas says raising an eyebrow and oh that is hot.
Hotter than it probably should be… so hot .
So Dean grabs Cas's face and kisses him again, and this time it's a deeper, more insistent kiss. Cas obliges letting Dean twist them around so he towers over Dean as they fall back onto the couch. He hums as Dean’s mouth opens a little; Cas leans in closer to deepen the kiss, nipping lightly at Dean’s bottom lip and if he didn’t find Cas hot before he certainly did now. The sound Dean makes is definitely not intentional but he’s fine with it as Cas slides over him to straddle his waist. Hell, he feels like a teenager with Cas already, might as well do the fun stuff too, right?
Dean looks up at his angel, feeling more with Cas than he has in too long and it’s still tamer than his first time. As they kiss, Cas slides his hands up Dean's shirt and Dean shivers under his touch, or in anticipation, he couldn’t bother to differentiate. His own hands feel every inch of Cas, running his fingers over that ridiculous suit jacket and through Cas’ hair. It feels right: to be this close, to be like this, together. It’s right. Cas pulls slightly away to take Dean's shirt completely off and throws it somewhere before going back to kissing down Dean's chest to his stomach. Dean's head falls back and his mouth hangs open in silent pleasure.
"Fuck." He gasps when Cas decides to go back up and bite at one of Dean's nipples rolling it between his tongue. His fingers dig into the suit jacket as he tries not to squirm under Cas’ tongue. Cas looks up at him with a grin as he continues doing this, relishing the whimpers escaping Dean’s lips. Dean grows more and more impatient by the second, wondering for a moment if Cas can tell how impatient he is, instead he drags his hips against Cas and leans into each graze of skin-to-skin contact. Cas pulls off Dean to gasp, following his movements before locking eyes with him over his chest. Cas’ eyes grow dark and he trails painfully slow fingers down Dean’s stomach until he reaches his zipper. Cas gives him a questioning look to make sure he can do this and Dean nods. His hands slip into his boxers and- “Shit, Cas,” Dean breathes out like a punch to the gut.
Cas’ hand rests loosely around his dick and, fuck Dean needs him to move, “Cas, come on, come on, please,”
The little shit has the audacity to smirk and Dean would totally call him out on it if Cas hadn’t started to move. In slow, languid jerks, Cas kisses Dean deeply and steals the moans from his mouth. Trying not to seem desperate, Dean keeps himself relatively still and lets Cas go at his own pace. It was killing him. It seems only fair to return the favor, he thinks and his hand finds its way to Cas’ clothed dick. “Dean.” Cas growls, sounding more aroused than a warning- Dean definitely isn’t complaining.
Cas pauses his motions to rock against Dean’s hand and if he isn’t turned on yet, he is now with Cas mouthing at Dean’s jaw while getting off on Dean’s hand. Dean’s fairly certain he can come like this, just knowing and feeling Cas so aroused by him. But before Dean knows it his pants and boxers are both off and Cas's mouth is on his dick. Holy fuck, that feels good and Dean's hand is in Cas's hair. Cas moans as Dean tugs at his hair which makes Dean whimper and tug Cas down further. He realizes it might hurt him and loosens his grip a little but Cas pulls off to lock eyes with Dean as he tightens Dean’s hand through his hair. “Cas…”
Cas doesn't move away or stop Dean as he holds Cas in place and tentatively fucks into Cas’ mouth. He can feel the back of Cas's throat and clearly Cas doesn't care, somehow taking in all of Dean. He swallows around him and oh it feels so good.
"Fuck, Cas, you’re- son of a bitch, don’t stop-" Dean stumbles over words as Cas swirls his tongue on the head of Dean's dick before swallowing him down again. Castiel’s motions grow faster and Dean’s hips buck more erratically into him. He’s seeing stars and he’s so fucking close, he’s supposed to say that to Cas but instead he comes with a loud moan (that hopefully Sam doesn't hear). Cas moves one of his hands to Dean's balls and massages them as he sucks Dean through his orgasm.
Dean doesn’t waste time stripping Cas and taking Cas in his hand. His dick twitches in vain as Cas nips at Dean’s neck, groaning low into his skin. Dean’s eyes feel like rolling back as Cas starts to move, himself. Dean hopes he’s doing this right- it’d been a while, but from the reaction he was getting, he must be doing pretty okay. “Dean, please, Dean,” Cas murmurs as his thrusts get sloppier.
“I’m here, Cas, come for me.” Dean’s hand grows more insistent as he jerks Cas off and Cas himself comes with a moan of his own; quieter than Dean was but that’s probably down to him biting down on Dean’s shoulder. “ Dean ,”
"Holy shit." Dean says breathlessly. He looks over to Cas, lightly panting and so goddamn beautiful, “I love you.”
"I love you too," Cas says in the softest voice he has ever used on Dean. And for some reason that makes Dean cry, it's a sudden thing that Dean feels extremely embarrassed about because he never cries after sex.
He never thought he would've with Cas... then again he never thought he'd be able to tell Cas he loved him back.
"Dean?" Cas sits up and looks at Dean in concern. "My love, are you okay?"
"Uh yeah I'm okay, I don't- I don't know why I'm crying." Dean puts his head in his hands and groans. "This is embarrassing, I'm sorry, buddy, I don't know why-"
"There is nothing bad about crying, Dean." Cas says with a soft smile.
Fuck Dean loves him so much.
"I missed you." Dean chokes out as more tears fall. He doesn't know why he's crying over this for no reason. "I just never- never thought we'd get this and I thought you'd leave and- that you might not actually want to be with me. I'm sorry Cas, I'm such a fucking mess and you deserve so much more- better than me."
He and Cas never really did talk about the confession or anything after it, they just… ended up being fine. They never talked about how it had affected Dean, never talked about how Dean was so depressed he could barely get out of bed. Didn't talk about how Sam was so worried about him that he literally had to drag him out of bed so he'd eat. And even then he barely ate, Eileen had to basically force feed Dean so he'd get at least some nutrition or whatever the fuck her and Sam would say. He doesn't really remember much from that time besides the constant feeling of loss, of the sinking feeling that always refused to go away. They've never spoken about any of it, Cas never brought it up and Dean didn't want to talk about it. Sam and Eileen have told him to talk about it with him but Dean just… he can't do it.
"Dean, hey it's okay." Cas whispers and pulls Dean into a hug. "I'm here, I'm not leaving, it's okay, I've got you. And don't you dare think I'd leave you, that’s never happening."
Dean doesn't say anything, just buries his head in Cas' shoulder as more sobs break out of him. He barely even notices when Cas starts putting his clothes on, it feels like he's floating outside his own body as he gets dressed and they lay back on the couch. Eventually Dean stops crying and just feels numb, distantly he feels Cas' hand rubbing up and down his back. Sam must have come in or something because he hears Cas mumble something and then water is being pressed into his hands. He glares half heartedly but still sits up to actually drink it, and he wouldn't admit it to anyone but the cold water actually felt good. Once he's calmed down, he lays back on Cas's lap again, closing his eyes for a minute.
"Hey Cas?" Dean asks as a thought comes to him.
"Yes?" Cas says and looks down at him with a soft smile.
"What if- what if I said I wanted to stop hunting? Move out of the bunker, buy a house to live in with you and Jack can live with us or just visit or whatever he wants to do?" Dean asks nervously as he again sits up. "And uh go on like… actual dates together?"
Cas smiles and nods and grabs one of Dean's hands and squeezes, "I'd love to."
"Good." Dean smiles back and leans closer to kiss Cas again. "Thanks for thinking I'm worth it, Cas."
"Always have, always will. You know that."
"Yeah… yeah, man, I know, but like, thanks anyway."
Eventually Dean falls asleep again, with Cas running his fingers through Dean's hair as they watch another movie. Some documentary Cas chose that Dean wasn't really interested in, but he’ll always make his angel happy.
//
The next year consists of weekly dates, sleeping in the Dean cave instead of their actual rooms and more. Sam likes to pretend he finds it gross but in all actuality Dean sees him smiling at him and Cas when he thinks no one is looking. Eileen teases the shit out of him for it and clearly he loves that too. They ended up moving out of the bunker a couple months ago after looking for places to live, which took forever because neither Dean or Cas could agree on a place. Until they found this out of the way farm house that Dean was willing to fix up himself.
And he did, he repainted, fixed everything in the place from top to bottom and now you can't even tell how damaged it looked. Jack, who reverted back to a regular four year old, had asked if he could paint his room yellow. Dean had such a hard time telling the kid no (which by the way Cas found very entertaining and Dean grumbled about but secretly loved) so it got painted the brightest yellow out there.
And now Dean has forced Sam to go ring shopping with him.
"Dude quit panicking, he's not gonna care about what kind of ring you get. He'd have married you without one anyway too." Sam says.
“Sammy this has to be perfect, I can’t- I have to do it right. He deserves that.” Dean looks from a sapphire gem with white gold band to see Sam looking at him with the sappiest eyes. “Shut your damn face, and keep looking.” He grumbled.
"So… why did it take you this long to propose?"
"I don't know man. I mean neither of us have ever had real luck in the relationship department, not that you have had it easy… huh, maybe it’s a Winchester curse. I guess mom got lucky, or would it be dad? Since he’s the one with the Winchester name-”
"Dude it's not this complicated." Sam says with a laugh.
Dean's about to say something to that when a light silver band catches his attention. It’s a simple, semi-thick ring, about the same width of his own old ring. He asks the person at the counter to get it and then it's in his hands. Dean turns it around in his and it's just- it's perfect. He can see it all happen, Dean slipping the ring on Cas’ finger and looking at Dean with the sort of love he’d always shown. The way it would complement his eyes. This is the one.
He buys the ring and they leave, getting back into Baby. Dean drives, of course.
“What's the game plan?" Sam asks when they're almost at the bunker.
"I don't know." Dean admits.
"How-" Sam starts before he's interrupted.
"Well, what if he says no? What if- what if he doesn't actually want me? Fuck, Sam what if he dies on me again? I can't- man, I can't take that." Dean says and before he knows it he's crying… again . So he parks Baby on the side of the road before he crashes. "Fuck, I’m crying. This is all so, it’s so stupid, I know. I just- I can't help but think he-"
"Dean, hey" Sam tries, it isn't until the fourth call that he looks at his little brother and relaxes a little.
“What, Sam?” Dean asks, a little annoyed, mostly on edge.
“He loves you, dude. You obviously love him, I mean, you never act this insane for anyone- maybe not even for me. What I’m saying is, you guys have each other already, this proposing business is just another gesture. It’s another way to say I love you, y’know?”
Dean chuckles, “Know what, bitch, you can be pretty wise sometimes.”
Sam rolls his eyes as they pull back on the road, “Whatever, jerk.”
A moment passes. “I’m real happy for you, Dean.”
“Thanks Sammy.”
//
Cas is confused, Dean can clearly see it but he's reveling in getting to do this with the help of Sam and Eileen. Dean had found where the barn where they met was at, still standing and everything, and he knew that was where he wanted to propose. Sam's words flash through his mind, calming him down as he gets out of Baby and gestures for Cas to follow him.
"Dean? Is this…" Cas starts hesitantly looking back and forth between Dean and the barn.
"Where I stabbed you? Yeah it uh… it is." Dean says and suddenly he feels light-headed, like on-cloud-nine lightheaded. He's practically gliding across the space as he drags Cas into the barn with what Dean assumes is a huge grin. “It took a little digging and Sam and Eileen helped, of course, but I found it and it’s still standing, miraculously… which tracks with our whole dynamic.” Dean trails off as Cas takes in the interior of the barn.
Cas looks around in amazement at all the candles set around the place that Sam and Eileen helped set up, the firelight bouncing off Cas's face is beautiful.
He's beautiful, is really the only thing going through Dean's head at the moment, it's impossible not to. Cas smiles as he looks around the barn, looking so small against the tall walls around them. Dean remembers when Cas could fill a whole room with his presence; he could never forget the sparking lights and divine strength that radiated off him.
Now when Dean looks at Cas he still takes up the room, but it’s different. It’s not sparking lights but a blinding smile and laughter filled with fondness. He doesn’t exude divine strength but a gentler power, one of love and compassion and fuck, Dean loves him. As Cas continues staring at everything, Dean pulls out the ring and carefully gets down on his good knee. He opens the box and Cas still hasn’t turned around so he clears his throat and takes a deep breath.
"Cas." He says and his voice is a little wobbly but not as shaky as he would've thought.
Still without turning around Cas asks, "did you do this?"
"Yeah, Cas. I did." Dean says with a smile patiently waiting for Cas to turn around and look at him. "Sweetheart, turn around."
And he does, he slowly turns around and looks at Dean, confusion flashes over his face before he notices the ring in Dean's hands.
"Dean what-" Cas starts, wide eyes flicking from the ring to Dean's face over and over.
"Cas- Castiel, when we met you were this… strange cosmic being that I didn't even believe existed. I didn't think much of you, I was pretty much an ass to you and I was- I was really shitty to you throughout the years and I'm so sorry about that. I didn't think I'd be standing in this same barn thirteen years later doing what I'm doing right now." Cas chuckled softly, nodding for Dean to continue.
Dean stops forgetting the rest of the speech he had planned, and just stares at Cas with a soft smile on his face. "I- um, fuck, I had a whole speech planned and now I'm sitting here like an idiot not knowing what to say next."
"Dean-" Cas starts to say before Dean interrupts him.
"Cas you changed my life for the better and I'm so grateful. And um… wait, I'm sorry, I swear I planned this better. It was so heartfelt and shit, Sammy even cried." Dean gives Cas an apologetic look with a slight smile.
"Yes."
"I just- Cas I love you and I- I can't. I don't want to do life without you…" Dean continues on, not hearing Cas' answer until the box is out of his hands, ring is on Cas' finger and hands cup his face. "Wait, what’s happening?"
"Yes, Dean, yes. Yes I'll marry you, if you listen to my damn answer. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want to have so many things with you; I love you." And before he knows it they're kissing again. Although it's not really kissing at the same time because they're both grinning into it and breathy little giggles keep slipping from both of them. Dean doesn't realize he's crying until Cas pulls slightly away and wipes the tears away with another soft smile.
"I'm sorry I keep crying. I don't- I don't know." Dean says as more tears keep coming, "I swear these ones are happy though."
"What have we said about crying?" Cas's voice is impossibly soft and Dean can't tell if he loves or hates it.
"There's no shame in it…" He mumbles feeling like a child.
"Exactly." Cas whispers before kissing him again really quick. They keep kissing until Dean feels a laugh bubble up out of nowhere, he doesn't know why but it probably has to do with the giddy feeling of actually getting married.
Married . He, Dean freaking Winchester is getting married. What a world. Another laugh bubbles out of him and Cas grins, chuckling with him, “We’re engaged!” He whispers, like it was supposed to be for himself.
Dean nods, tangling their fingers and looking into Cas’ eyes, “It’s about damn time, if you ask me.”
“Dean, my love, you were the one who asked,”
“Yeah, but you could’ve asked too!” Dean shrugged and laughed.
"I wanted to but you got to it first." Cas says grinning again, “plus I don't think I could've planned anything better than this.”
"Really? The guy who had a whole damn speech confessing his life-altering love for me couldn't plan something better than some dork forgetting his 5 sentence speech because he’s just that in love?" Dean says, raising an eyebrow at his fiancè.
Heh.
Cas is his fiance. They’re engaged, and Dean is getting married and Cas isn’t going anywhere. This time he really knows it for sure. It's about damn time he let go of his fear of losing people and let himself love freely.
"That didn't really get planned..." Cas half scoffs.
"Okay, fine, you're right." Dean rolls his eyes before pulling Cas into another kiss. He swears he could get drunk off these little simple kisses. He loves being able to kiss, being able to love, being able to just be… normal for once. He finally doesn't have his father’s words in his head but instead he has Bobby's, who was more a dad to him and Sammy than John ever was. Bobby had talked to him after Cas had died because of the Leviathans, told him that he knows what Dean was feeling, knows how that anger felt, the sadness. Knew every amount of pain Dean was in because he knew Dean was already in love with the angel who pulled him out of hell. Dean had cried and Bobby comforted him, he's pretty sure Sam was there watching too but didn't want to interrupt. He has his mom's words in his head that he can have what she didn't, she knew immediately how Dean felt. He saw it in her eyes, she sat him down and talked to him and even tried so hard getting both of them together.
But he and Cas being who they are didn't do anything, didn't try, just longed in silence.
Dean hopes his mom would be proud of him right now. He misses her so bad, misses her warm smile, just misses everything about her.
"Fuck, Cas I miss- I miss my mom. I wish she could see us right now, I wish she could see that I listened and that I'm letting myself love you." Dean says and all of a sudden Cas's arms are around Dean as he buries his head in Cas's neck as hot tears keep coming. "I wish I didn't wait so long, sweetheart I'm so sorry I waited until you confessed and died on me again to even process my feelings for you, I hope- I hope Bobby would be proud too."
"Oh, my love, of course they would be." Cas whispers, pressing a soft kiss to Dean's head.
"Thanks Cas." Dean whispers back with a small smile on his face.
"What for?" Cas asks, with that adorable fucking head tilt he does that drives Dean insane.
"Everything. I just- thank you for believing in me, staying even when I treated you like shit and I didn't deserve the way you looked at me even when I blamed you for shit that wasn't your fault. Blaming you and Jack for mom's death? It isn't what she would've wanted, she would've wanted me to talk it through and figure out together what was up with Jack. I'm just- I don't know, just so fucking sorry and I don't deserve you."
"Love…" Cas starts putting his hand to Dean's cheek and Dean leans into it closing his eyes. "You do deserve me, you deserve everything good that has happened and will happen to you, you've fought hard to get to where you are now and I'm proud of you for that, and you should be proud of yourself too. I never thought I deserved you either but I know you would be saying the same exact thing I am right now. I love you and I want to spend the rest of our lives together, I don't want to imagine life without you, or to live without you again."
Instead of saying anything Dean just pulls Cas into another soft kiss before putting their foreheads together, with equal grins on their faces.
"We should probably go before Jack annoys Claire too much… they’re home alone and we know how that ends most of the time," Dean says with a slight laugh. "Plus it's getting dark."
"Yeah." Cas says with a nod and a grin and they start heading out, candles already blown out. They walk to Baby hand in hand, both turning to look back at the barn with nostalgic looks on their faces. They leave with smiles on their faces, impossibly close and happy. They’re finally wholly happy.