Chapter Text
I'm not very honest with myself.
Or anyone else, I don't think.
I'm always fine.
And if I'm not fine it's a bad day.
If it's multiple days then it's unfixable,
And my burden not yours.
My natural instinct is to bellitle my feelings,
so that I can hide and rot away in my room,
and no one else needs to care.
Then I'm surprised
When my friends don't really reach out?
I can't expect them to do what I can't.
I'm indecisive on how I actually feel,
How can I expect them to know?
That's the catch there.
How do I feel, about how I feel.
Is this normal?
The burnout,
The constant stress from work,
The eating half a meal a day,
The waking up at 3 but getting up at the other 3.
It's just uni living right?
That can't be a glaring red flag,
Some type of signal,
Because I'm fine.
If anything it's a white flag.
Because I should care.
I should reach out.
But I can't?
I'm compelled to silence.
Because I know enough people who struggle more.
If I'm their rock then I can't seem to have
Cracked foundations.
There are some things I have to be,
And some things I can't be.
I have to be fine.
Because I'm losing my sense of self.
I barely feel like a person anyway,
so what's the point?
I'm not worth it anyway.
To you I might just be text on a screen,
And I find that oddly comforting.
But I feel like I shouldn't.
Because I'm losing my sense of people.
Which is a weird sentence.
It's like no one feels like a person to me.
My friends all have lives, hopes and dreams,
I know they do.
Consciously I do.
But my brain can't fully register that
We all have our own lives.
People actually do things.
Hang out, make more friends, have a life,
And I just don't.
So my brain is hardwired to think
That's true of everyone.
So how can I build relationships?
I'm too self centred,
perhaps too tired for empathy,
Sociopathic?
Probably something worse.
I'm losing my grip on reality.
Going the incorrect amount of insane.
I spend so long trapped in my room,
Glued to my phone,
Disconnected from everything.
I hear phantom voices,
Imagine whole conversations,
And somehow I convince myself
That's fine?!
I must be a very good liar,
To myself and other people.
I can't wait for the winter holiday.
God knows I need it.
But I'm fine, really.