Chapter Text
There used to be a cherry tree, and there used to be other trees as well, apple trees and pear trees and peach trees, and they would bear fruit sometimes too, but not nearly as much the cherry tree would.
It would bear fruit the months between spring and summer, blossoming in spring with its beautiful flowers which would almost be a great hiding spot, her small figure hidden between branches, between flowers, if only her brother hadn't known her so well, a curse or a blessing, she wonders which of those two he thinks it is right now.
The trees were cut and replaced with a grapevine, all except that one. It stood tall, majestic and beautiful and out of place between all the wooding vines that make a labyrinth, only that tree guiding you to a way out of it, but it stopped giving fruit and father had it cut as well, only wooden vines are there now.
She gets lost, not caring if she doesn't find her way out, her walks getting longer and longer and longer, and if Tristan waits for her to come back with a worrying look she doesn't dare to look him in the eyes long enough for it to make her heart ache. She has had too much of that already.
Her birthday comes and goes, and she dares to say it's her best one yet. There is still blood, and screams and broken things, but she didn't try to jump from the window and she didn't end up in a hospital bed this time. She likes to think it might mean she is getting better, but it's probably because she had already went through one rough mental breakdown this year.
Tristan buys books to keep her occupied, about medicine and great works of literature and he looks at her oddly when she asks if they have Crime and Punishment already in their library.
"We have a course on Russian literature, I want to get a head start," she says, innocently, and it does sound plausible, and he buys into her words.
"There is an entire shelf filled with Russian writers. We should have a copy, or even two."
She nodds, and smiles, softly, sweetly, thanks him and goes back to the library.
They do have it, and she takes it with her to the labyrinth of the wooden vines and reads it, slowly, getting lost, her mind wandering to Kai, to his playful grin and his touch burning on her skin and how he made the world stop spinning.
Tristan doesn't come to follow her, but she is aware he is watching her from afar, from the window, keeping an eye on her. He is keeping his distance, for himself or for her, she isn't quite sure.
But he is taking care of her, he always is, he always will. There is breakfast, and lunch and dinner and he makes sure she takes a pill or two with each meal, as prescribed and she does.
The windows aren't locked, they are widely open, the soft, warm air refreshing the old architecture and not even the window in her room is locked, or glued with a bell, and the knives aren't kept out of her reach, and the piano isn't hidden but locked in one of the countless rooms, but it's still out in the open.
The knowledge, the persisting trust he keeps showing her and the knowledge of it is what makes her heart ache, because she truly doesn't deserve it.
She does spend nights looking at the open window from the comfort of her bed, her heart beating faster and faster until she is eventually lulled to sleep by the pills she had for dinner.
She doesn't look how far down it is from the windows, and she doesn't take kitchen knives to press against her skin, and she sometimes passes the part of the mansion where the piano is and she is fine.
But she does use a needle to cut deeper in her newer scars because it would be harder to tell when they were supposed to start healing, but she uses it only as her last resort, is what she tells herself. The pills make her feel nothing, feel numb, and this is just a little pain to make sure she isn't dead, that this isn't a dream when her sense of reality begins to get loose.
She passes the piano, and she sometimes gets the urge in her fingers to just touch it, to just feel the vibrations underneath her fingers, but she is reminded of the pain and her steps become quicker as she walks past it.
They're having lunch one day, and he brings up topic of the exams she didn't finish and going back to the States.
She freezes, her heart starting to beat faster.
"Is that something you are still interested in?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Alright. I have already spoken with your university, you have a deadline until the end of August."
"I can finish my exams then?"
"Yes."
She sees it on his face, she knows what "speaking to" means when it comes to people like him, to people like her, to people with money deep in their pockets.
"Oh, Tris. Thank you," she says, smiling, her heart fluttering, and she goes to hug him and kiss him on the cheek, and she is aware he freezes, but she doesn't care.
She doesn't let herself feel guilty. Money is theirs, they might as well spend it to be happy.
They come to the States, and Tristan books them rooms at the hotel for a month, and maybe she was silly to think that would mean she would have some privacy.
She does, but he makes sure she takes her pills and eats and studies and he takes her out to a restaurant when she passes the exams, still taking care of her.
It takes a toll on him, taking care of her. Taking care of her and not doing what he wants to be doing, putting his dreams and ambitions on hold because she needs him.
She sees it in his eyes, in the tension his shoulders, there's a twitch of regret and it makes her hate herself, and she wonders, wonders if he resents her, if he resents her now or is it going to come later.
She wonders if he is still going to love her and keep running to her when she calls. She hopes she never has to find out.
Katherine comes to San Diego, a week before classes begin, because classes start later in Julliard (music, New York, Klaus-) and she had missed her.
They wait for her at the airport, and she looks gorgeous, even more if that was possible, her skin is tanned and her hair is a shade or two lighter from the sun and she is so warm when she finally hugs her and takes her hand.
They go to Los Angeles, because if she is in California she wants to go somewhere important and they leave Tristan behind in San Diego, but not before he has his hand warningly on Katherine's upper arm and she has never loved Katherine as much as when she sends her icy, bored look to Tris.
It's great. They go to the beach and the water is amazing, and they go to restaurants and Katherine makes sure she takes the pills, and to the mall and they spend all the money Tris gave them, and Katherine just drives and drives and drives.
She doesn't tell Katherine about her last few months, because she probably already knows and it's not how she wants to spend her days with Katherine.
She doesn't tell her about Kai. It's not like there is anything to tell about Kai, either. Nothing happened between them, and she wants to make sure there is something there before telling Katherine.
Elena probably didn't tell Katherine anything about him either, because she would be teasing her about it.
It doesn't matter. What matters is that Katherine is here, next to her, and she feels warm and happier and real, and it's lovely and she is laughing, and she wants to enjoy it while it lasts.
All good things come to an end, and they go back to San Diego.
Elena and Caroline come too, and it doesn't seem real, seeing Katherine and Elena together, two exact same dolls actually existing together in the same space, it shouldn't be real.
Elena is different around Katherine and she can't put her finger on it, but she wants to say she is jealous, angry, mean.
Katherine stays for another day and she goes with Elena to wish her goodbye. It's like the weight has been lifted from Elena's shoulder, she is back to her normal self when Katherine leaves.
They don't talk about the party, about what happened before Tristan came to take her away. It's not like there is much to talk about, anyway.
She gets a roommate this year, Laura Homestead, a pre-med too, they're in the same classes and she seems nice.
Tristan helps her move in, but there's not much space to move into, and it should feel claustrophobic, but there's a hint of freedom in all that.
Her classes start and she knows Tristan wants to stay there with her, that he feels the need to stay and keep an eye on her. She knows. She wants him to stay, but also she needs him away from her.
"You can leave, you know. I won't get mad. You have your own life and I know you left a very important project because of me, but you can leave me."
"I'm never going to leave you again."
"You will. Tris, I want you to. Okay? I don't want you breathing down my neck and checking me three times a day to make sure I'm alive. I am alive, I will be alive the next time you come to visit me when you're free."
"I'm not going to-"
"Yes, you will. We both know that you will. I want to try to do this on my own again."
"Aurora-"
"I know you don't trust me that much. But I earned your trust back, haven't I?"
"Of course I trust you-"
"No, you don't. I don't blame you. Not after everything. You're afraid, and I know that, and I am so sorry, and I am afraid too."
"Then let me stay."
"I can't. I want you to stay, but I won't let you do that."
"Why?"
"I love you. You love me too. Maybe we should learn how to love each other a little differently. And I don't mean... I don't mean that. I mean, we're so focused on each other, and maybe we should focus on other things too. I can't be the most important in your life."
"You will always be."
"I know. But it's not going to end well."
"And it will if I leave you?"
"Don't make me answer that."
"What if you get depressed again? Or manic?"
"I will call you. I called you five months ago, didn't I? Didn't I?
"Yes, but-"
"Tris. If it all goes to hell, you can have the satisfaction of saying I told you so and never leaving me alone again, okay? Lock me in a mansion and throw away the key and I won't say anything. But this is something I want."
"Are you certain?"
"Yes."
"Promise you're going to call me."
"I promise."
He pulls her closer, in a hug, and kisses her forehead, and she wants to hug him and never let him go, but she won't. Instead, she pulls away and smiles softly and tells him to drive her to her dorm.
When he finally leaves, and drives away, she only cries for an hour.
She eats her breakfast and takes her pill, and she walks with Elena and Laura to her first class, and she smiles when she sees Jo.
"Hey, stranger, long time no see," Jo greets her with a smile and says hi to Elena and Laura with a stern smile and they greet her back the same way. "So what were you up to all summer?" Jo asks, leading her slightly away from the two girls, "You left the semester early, right?"
"I went back to France for the summer, we had family business to take care of so I left early."
"Sounds fun. Ugh, I'd love to visit France."
"Yeah... uh, what about you? How did you spend your summer?"
Jo stands upright, like something jolts her up, but she has a smile on her face, although less chipery. "Fine. We went back to Portland, spent time with our siblings, worked at the restaurant. Not as fun as France, but..."
"No, your summer sounds fun too."
"Yeah, sure," Jo says through a smile.
The professor comes and she sits next to Jo and she thinks, maybe she can do this.
"Do you want to hang out after class? I missed hanging out with someone who isn't a kid or Kai or a weird cousin," Jo whispers during a lecture.
She smiles and nods. "Yeah, of course. I'm free until one, so..."
"I have a class at twelve, but we can go grab coffee and walk around the campus?"
"Deal."
"Deal."
She can do this.
The introduction lecture ends, and she walks out of the building with Jo, waving bye to Elena and Laura and they go to the coffee shop.
Jo talks about waiting tables at the restaurant for the summer, telling her a couple of funny stories and it's nice doing it again.
"My class is starting soon, sorry, but..."
"No, it's fine. I'll see you tomorrow, we have a 3 am together."
"I'll see you there."
They part and she starts walking to another building, slowly, taking her time. Enjoying the soft air of San Diego in the September, and she thinks about writing it all down in her notebook.
Elena and Caroline ask her out for a coffee date and she comes, and it's like nothing happened months ago.
"We could go to the mall. A new one opened and I want new clothes," Caroline says, after the topic of how they're going to spend this weekend comes up.
"Like you need new clothes, your new sweetheart took care of that," Elena quips, and she is only half listening, focused on the trees and other people, too lost in nothing her mind is.
"Yeah, but I want something more appropriate for college," Caroline blushes and Elena rolls her eyes, smiling.
"I could use new clothes too. Something for colder days. What do you think, Aurora?"
"Sure," she says, looking at the two best friends.
"Great! Do you have your outfits picked out already for the wildest party of the year?"
"You ask as if you don't already know."
"Remember last year?" Caroline asks Elena and they burst into laughter, and then Caroline turns to her. "Oh god, you don't even know. The three of us got the idea of matching outfits, so we could find each other easily if we get lost or something."
"We could do it this year too. Buy the same things," Elena proposes the idea.
"It's fine. It was what you three did."
The two of them have the same look of, yeah you're probably right.
"How come Bonnie isn't coming back?"
They become uncomfortable, shifting in their seats. "She's in New York, she applied during the summer."
"New York?"
"We were pretty surprised when she told us too. She doesn't seem like a New York girl."
"At least Katherine is there. A familiar face," she says, and it makes Elena shift in her seat.
"I doubt they're going to even talk."
"It gets lonely in that city."
Elena and Caroline both huff, but it's Caroline who speaks up. "Not lonely enough for those two to talk, don't worry. You're not going to get replaced as Katherine's best friend."
"Stranger things have happened. I'm just surprised she didn't stay in Europe and start college there."
"I guess we truly did switch places, then. I came from New York to here, she came from here to New York," she jokes, trying to lighten the mood, steer the topic away away away, she doesn't want to listen about Bonnie or their summer or clothes or New York or anything.
She wants to take her latte and go sit outside and doodle and write something in her notebook and feel the colder wind in her hair and on her skin.
Elena and Caroline start talking about what they're going to wear to the party and she looks at the clock, she can get out of this.
She says she has a class soon, and they tell her bye and she is going to last longer, she will try to be more engaged in their conversation, once they start having new topics instead of what happened over the summer.
Until that happens, she needs peace and quiet or at least a crowd and noise to get lost in.
Classes, coffee between classes with Jo, sometimes a a quick coffee date she gets out of with Elena and Caroline, she talks to her roommate, but she mostly spends her time at the library or somewhere outside on the bench, writing in her notebook.
It's nice. It's quiet, in her mind, too quiet, everything is too slowed down for her to hear anything, but it's what the pills do. She does take them, she is trying, but she doesn't feel good like that, like this. It's not even depression, it's not even numbness, it's artificial paralysis of everything, of her mind and her body and herself.
She hasn't seen Kai yet, Jo hadn't said anything about him, and she wonders if maybe she should have told Katherine about him, if she should have let Katherine find him and make her do something about it.
If she should have said yes, if she should have kissed him, if she should have told Elena to leave her alone and let Kai walk her home, if she should have appeared in front him after an exam and said something, anything.
Maybe he doesn't want to see her again. Maybe there are rumors about her, that she is crazy and had a nervous breakdown and went insane and that her daddy paid for her to be able to come back.
Maybe she would see him during a nightly walk, a visit to the coffee shop in the middle of the night, but the pills make her so sleepy she sleeps all night, Laura jokes that she could have the play the loudest music and she wouldn't even flinch in her sleep.
She is so paralyzed from the pills that it doesn't really matter, actually. It was nothing. She keeps the notes she wrote for Crime and Punishment nonetheless.
She goes to the mall with Elena and Caroline, buys herself new jeans and a cute sweater and a drink and it's not as bad as she thought it would be, doing all that with the two of them.
But it's so much better and so much more fun with Katherine. Her life is better when she has Katherine in it.
It's not as draining with Katherine. Because she is happy with Katherine.
She feels there, with Elena and Caroline she is there, but she's also not, they simply have their own language and she barely understands half of it. She can't tell if it's the pills, making her body feel like it's inside a bubble and she's walking through moments feeling like it's hiding her (protecting her, keeping her away, protecting others from her) or if it's just the two of them being like that, all inside jokes and familiarity and there's no way she'll be in on any of it.
They're walking out of a store and Elena and Caroline are talking about where they're gonna go next and she they stop talking and she feels them stiffen up, and she looks around to see why.
Kai. And Jo.
Kai.
Kai is here too.
She hears Elena and Caroline start talking again, but she isn't listening, focused on looking at the twins.
He is talking with Jo, it looks like they're arguing, he is holding two cups and Jo looks like she wants to throw the cups in his face and she wants to smile.
Maybe she does, because Kai looks at her and sends her a wide smile, and Jo follows his line of sight and smiles when she sees her and waves.
She waves back, and she sees Elena and Caroline wave back, uncomfortable.
She isn't sure what to do next. Go say hi, stay with Elena and Caroline and wait to see if they come greet her, meet them halfway, look at them, look at him some more-
Kai is looking at her. Grinning. It's mischievous. She likes how it makes her feel. It makes her smile.
They've stopped arguing and somehow they're standing near her, or she's standing near them-
"Hi stranger. Long time no see," Kai greets her, cups in his hands still, and Jo said the same thing when she saw her and it makes her smile.
"Hey," she greets back, smiling, honestly and widely, looking at his gorgeous face.
"I didn't expect to see you here," Jo says, taking one of the cups away from Kai and the look they were sharing is gone because now he's glaring at his sister, and it feels like a moment between Kai and her is gone, and was there a moment, and she shrugs.
"I just followed Elena and Caroline, I needed to get some new clothes for the colder weather. I forgot most of my things back in France, so..."
"France?" Kai says, like he's impressed. "Damn."
She smiles, again, and nods. Has she even stopped smiling? She doesn't even get a flashback back to anything.
"Anyway, we are going to be late to a movie, do you wanna join us?" Jo asks and she flinches. Elena and Caroline are waiting for her, but she wants to spend more time like this. With them. Both of them. She might even get a chance to sit next to Kai. "If you have other plans, it's cool. Maybe next time?"
"No, uhm.. Just... I'll join you. If you want me to. I'll go tell Elena and we can meet outside, if... that's okay?"
Jo looks surprised. Kai grins. "Yeah, okay. Great. Meet you there," Jo says. "It'll be great not having to listen to Kai bitch all the time."
"Fuck you, you were the one-"
"See you there then, bye-" she says and walks away, walks over to Elena and Caroline. "I'm gonna go watch a movie with Jo, I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
Caroline gives her this kind of warning look. "Okay. Do you want us to wait for you so we can catch a bus together?"
"No, it's okay. But thank you."
"Okay. Have fun," Elena says.
She smiles. "You too."
She leaves them and it feels good. She notices Jo first, waiting with tickets, pacing nervously, but her lips turn into a smile when she sees her. "Hi. Just in time. Kai is getting us drinks and popcorn."
"Oh. Thanks."
"I got us diabetes. Just in case the movie is shit and we need something else to enjoy," Kai says, his hands full with everything and she takes few things away.
"As if you're going to let us eat half of that," Jo says and he scoffs, making an offended face. "Okay, let's go."
She sits next to Kai. It's fun. He makes jokes, notices the mistakes and Jo sits next to her so she doesn't hear most of it. It's fun. His knees sometimes touch hers. Her knees sometimes touch his back. Accidentally. On purpose. He steals a bit of popcorn from her when he finishes his and their hands brush and she feels something in her stomach.
It feels like something she had felt with Klaus.
(Oh, Klaus-)
The movie ends and she dreads leaving, so she says if they'd like to go grab something to eat and Kai agrees.
He has a car. "It's my baby."
"It's my car too," Jo says and Kai mocks her.
Kai turns to her, whispers. "Jo doesn't like to drive, so it's basically all mine."
"I heard you," Jo says and she laughs.
It's so much fun. She doesn't want the night to end. They joke around and her laugh is sincere and it's kind of weird, she is so unsure of where they are, since that time at the party, but it feels good.
It feels good being so close to him. She feels good around him. Manic, but not. Almost. It's such a great feeling.
He drives them back to campus, pulls at the parking lot and they're standing still.
It's a matter of logistics now. Because Jo's dorm is right there and hers is fifteen minutes away and Kai's is ten minutes in another direction.
Jo hugs her, they part with words that it was so much fun and they should do this again soon and goes inside.
Leaving her alone with Kai. She has no idea what to do now.
Katherine would flirt. Katherine would flirt and ask him if he wants to walk her to her dorm and ask him to come over and Katherine would fuck him in the park on their way over.
"I can keep you company, if you want," Kai says and she nods and so they start walking.
"It was really fun. Tonight," she says, because she doesn't know what to else to say.
"Yeah, it was. We should do it again," he says and she feels something tug at her heart.
She has no idea what else to say. "Totally."
"So what was it like?" he asks and she flinches. How does he know about the hospital? "Being in France?"
Oh. "Oh," thank god that's what he meant. "Great. Lovely."
"Great."
"How was it in..." she has no idea where they're from.
"Portland," he offers. "Uhm... Fine," he answers, with this disdain and hatred on his face. "I got a job and had to babysit, so it was not so calming and refreshing as being in a French villa at the seaside, but hey. Maybe someday."
She laughs. "Maybe. Getting into law is a good start at getting rich."
"Yep."
"So what did you do? During summer?"
"We have a restaurant. So basically, anything and everything. Serving, cooking, cleaning... You know?"
"Not particulary, no."
"Right, I forgot. Too high class for a French noblewoman. Forgive me, milady."
"You are forgiven."
They are not going the shorter way, okay. Great.
"Do you like working at that restaurant?"
"Depends. I like cooking, but working in the kitchen? Freaking hell. If I'm out there with the costumers, it's annoying, but I get pretty good tips."
She just nods because she has no idea what to say or what else to talk about.
But their hands are brushing against each other as they walk. And it sends shivers down her spine. She wants to touch him.
She wants to know how it feels like, having his body pressed against hers. She needs to know how it feels like, having his body pressed against hers.
She hasn't felt this way since Klaus. Since Lucien.
(Oh god, Klaus and New York and her piano and his paintings and his body against hers-)
"I read Crime and Punishment this summer. We had it in the library and I was bored and..."
His face lights up. "Really? I love that book. What did you think?"
She has him. Oh, she has him wrapped around her finger with this and he is hers forever.
'Good girl, Rora,' she hears a voice that sounds like Katherine, all proud and flirty.
She talks about the book. He listens and joins her in an argument, or an analysis and they're sitting on one of the benches in front of her dorm and they aren't going to stop talking. Ever, she hopes.
But they do, the sun is starting to rise and he gives her a wide, playful smile. And she smiles back and he gives her a kiss on the cheek and her smile grows wider and she kisses him on the cheek.
And then she looks at him and she thinks, oh why the bloody hell not, and softly kisses him and pulls away.
"I'll see you tomorrow," she says and kisses him once again, quick and soft and walks inside the building, not awaiting his reply.
Mania. She's going to be manic and this is a sign and she doesn't give a shit if it feels like this.
She goes to her classes the next day, and Jo asks if she wants to go to a concert tomorrow.
"I mean, Kai is going to be there, because it was his idea, and I don't want to go with him alone..."
"Yeah, it's cool. It was really fun yesterday."
"Great. Awesome. We'll pick you up at seven?"
"Okay. Deal."
She'll see Kai again! Oh god, she's going to see Kai again. What if he doesn't want to see her? Why wouldn't he, she's amazing and hot as fuck and gorgeous and a great kisser and he kissed her on the cheek first-
It's mania. She needs the pills, but they're going to make it bad. She doesn't want that. She's fine like this. She just needs to manage it a little bit more. She can do it. She will do it.
She'll wear her best dress, maybe even that red lingerie set, she'll let her hair be in curls, she'll put on makeup-
Oh god, she's late.
"I'm so sorry-"
"Hi! It's fine, don't worry about it. You look great."
"Thanks."
"Yeah... Gr- Great."
She gives him a smile and then isn't bold enough to look at him the entire night again.
That doesn't mean she doesn't touch him. Or that she doesn't let him touch her.
While she's talking to Jo, and he's next to her and their arms brush together, and he accidentally brushes against her, or she against him, and their bodies are so close together while they're at the concert and dancing together and jumping together and she can feel how hard he is. She hasn't been this wet since that night with-
Kai, Kai, Kai, his hard body against hers, his hard dick and his wide grin and Jo dancing with her and the other hundred or so people surrounding her and the alcohol and the concert is over, and she is a little drunk, but she is having so much fun.
Kai drives them back to campus. Jo leaves and they're left all alone. Finally.
"I can keep you company, if you want?"
She nods, smiling. They talk about the concert, about new classes and then they're there.
"It was fun."
"It was, yeah."
"We should do it again."
"Yeah, totally."
"Without Jo. Just... you and me."
Her heart flutters. Her heart and her stomach and down there. "Okay."
He looks like he hasn't expected that answer. He looks like he isn't sure what to say next. Like he expected her to tell him to go to hell and leave. "Okay. Uh... Do you like bowling?" He looks like he didn't expect to say bowling.
"Bowling?"
"Bowling," he nods, like he's made peace with his choice of words.
"All right. I've never been... bowling, so don't expect a great competition."
"Dully noted. I'll go easy on you," he says and she bites her lip. "Tomorrow? I'll come here at... six?"
She nods. Puts her hands on his shoulders and tiptoes to kiss his cheek, as soft as that first time, but not so quick. She lingers. His hands are lingering too, on her waist.
She pulls away and smiles. "I'll see you tomorrow at six, then," she says and turns away and leaves feeling like she won.
The wait for the six o'clock feels like it's an eternity away. And then it finally comes. She feels like jumping out of her skin when he looks at her, when she feels him, anything of his, against her.
She might kiss him tonight. Even better, he might kiss her tonight first.
She flirts, softly and subtly, in a way she never did with Klaus (oh, Klaus and New York and Katherine and playing the piano-). In a way she never did with Lucien. In a way Katherine never did, but knows Elena does something similar to what she is doing right now.
He flirts back. He does it so naturally. No, casually.
They talk and it feels like it's the most right thing to do in the world. Talking to him. Flirting. Touching him. She wonders if, when she lets him have her, it would feel like that as well. Like they were meant to fit like that completely.
He follows her to her dorm. It's that moment. What to say, what to do, who does it first.
"I had fun tonight," she says. She decides that she will let him do it first, whatever he wants.
"Me too."
He says those words and looks at her, and she can't read his face, and he closes that so long distance between them.
It's hot. It feels like they're both on fire, and it isn't gentle at all, it's hard and rough and desperate, and he kisses like he wants to hurt her and she kisses him back like she wants to hurt him back, and she knows she'd let him do anything he wants with her, it couldn't be worse than what she would do to herself.
His hands are holding her neck, hers are pulling his shirt by his waist, she moans into his mouth and he pulls her closer and she feels his hardness and she doesn't think of Klaus-
(Klaus and his hands and his cock and his fingers and his tongue and his mouth and the way he kissed her-)
-at all as she twists his shirt and pulls him even closer and-
"You should probably leave," she hears him say in between the hungry kisses, and she shakes her head, kissing him with all the fire that she has. "Fuck, Aurora."
It does something to her. Hearing him say that, desperate and angry and hungry and horny, hearing him swear and hearing him say her name like that. She would do anything to make him say it again.
"Kai..."
"Tomorrow...", a deep kiss, "I'll kick my roommate out...", another deep, hungry kiss, "take you to a movie..."
She murmurs something that sounds like okay, yes in between the kisses and doesn't let him pull away. She would let him take her right there on one of the benches.
He holds her by the neck, pulls away, and she loves the way he does it. "Tomorrow. Five o'clock."
It's not a question. She nods and pulls him in another kiss, and thinks, Katherine would tell her to go for a softer one and pull away and leave it like that.
She pulls him closer, moans into his mouth, and kisses him softly, quickly and gives him a smile and turns away, leaving and running to her room.
She can't fucking wait until tomorrow.
She goes to classes, talks with Jo, isn't quite sure if she should tell her about her thing with Kai.
"Kai told me you're going to the movies tonight," Jo says, so casually. "You're my friend, I think you're great and all, and he's my brother. His last relationship didn't end... well... Just, don't hurt each other, I guess, is all I could say?"
"Oh. Okay. Fair enough."
"And I don't want to hear any fucking details about it, okay?"
"Okay."
She goes to grab something to eat with Elena and Caroline. They talk about plans and she says she's going on a date tonight.
"Really? With who?" Caroline asks.
"With Kai. Uhm... Kai Parker," she says and notices the looks on their face and begrudgingly ends her sentence, "Jo's brother."
Elena and Caroline look at each other, talking with their looks in a secret look language she tries to follow.
"What is it?"
Caroline starts. "We're your friends and we think we should tell you that we know Kai. And we used to hang out with Jo."
"Kai used to date Bonnie. It didn't end well."
"At all."
"We don't think it's smart to start anything with him."
"Because Bonnie dated him?"
"No. Not exactly."
"Well, what happened between the two of them?"
"Bonnie wouldn't say. She just... freaked out and left in the middle of the semester without saying anything and Kai didn't take it so well."
"I shouldn't go on a date with someone I like because your friend freaked out over something and he got angry that she left without saying anything?"
Elena and Caroline look at each other and then at her. Caroline speaks. "We know he isn't a great guy."
"Why?"
"We just know."
"Okay. No wonder Katherine hates you. Anyway, thanks. I'll see you in class."
They actually do go to the movies. She thought he'd pull up somewhere and take her right there in the open, as she knew Katherine would peg him for the type.
Maybe he just wants to show-off before fucking and dumping, Katherine's voice says.
They watch Footloose and it's a fun movie. They just... touch, brush against each other not really on accident. She is dying to kiss him once they are out of the movie theater.
But she can't stop thinking about the one scene in the movie. Ariel is standing in front of the moving train, screaming, and Ren saves her.
She wants that. She wants to stand in front of the moving train and scream. She would say she isn't sure if she wants to be saved. She knows she doesn't want to.
There is time and place to think about that, and this isn't that. Now, she is a normal girl on a date with a hot guy and she is going to make sure he doesn't know how messed up in the head she is. Klaus knew and he left. This one won't.
They talk about the movie, they start singing the songs and he is dancing, and she is surprised to learn that he knows how to dance, he dances just like Ren.
She laughs and dances with him and it's so much fun and she loves it. She feels free. She feel free and kind of wild with him. She loves it. It's even better than with Katherine.
He talks about the warehouse scene. Talks about how he wants to smash things and angrily dance too and how much he hates the world so much he wants to punch things just to let it all out.
She thinks, maybe he would understand. She talks about the train scene. How she wishes she could scream and feel alive and how much she just wants to get her will to live sometimes and do something reckless.
He gives her a look. Like he understands. Like he knows exactly what she's talking about.
He drives to where the railroad is. They talk and talk and talk and she asks him about Bonnie.
He flinches. "What did they tell you?"
"Basically nothing. That you dated, she freaked out about something and left without saying anything. That you didn't take it so well."
She might be wrong, but it's like he's relieved. "Well, uh... We dated, yes. For few months. I introduced her to my family, it got... awkward. My family is conservative and Bonnie got pissed, rightfully so. I think my father reached out to her, told her some things, pulled some strings and got her blacklisted at the uni. I think that's why she left."
"You haven't heard from her since?"
He shakes his head. "No. She just packed her stuff and left. No note, no letters after. I caused a scene at her dorm and at this one party... That's probably what her friends meant. I tried reaching out, but she doesn't want to talk to me."
Sounds a lot like Klaus. "I'm sorry."
"It was her choice. I had to accept it. What about you, any ex skeletons in your closet?"
"Just one. His name was Klaus. Is Klaus, he is still alive, as far I'm aware."
"What happened?"
"We met in England and moved together to New York. I came home from classes one afternoon and it was like he never lived there. I overheard my brother talking to his, saying that he ran away to Chicago, but I never learned why."
"What an asshole."
"What a bitch," she retorts and they just smile.
They come to where the railroad is. She feels this rush as she takes his hand, or is it him that takes her hand-
They can hear the train coming.
"I won't save you," he says and she laughs, darkly.
"I don't want you to."
He kisses her, quick and dark and powerful, and smirks. "You first."
She smirks back and pulls away from him and screams. And screams and screams and screams and he joins her in, and their screams are silenced by the sound of the train.
He kisses her, hungry and wild and fiercely and she feels, she hears the train being so close to them and she pulls him away from the tracks, pulls them both into the grass as the train passes them by and it's such a rush that she wants to do it again.
They laugh. Maniacally, his laugh sounds almost like hers while she's in the worst part of mania. It's hot. She wants him so badly that she pulled them away from the death they both so desperately wanted.
They kiss. It's hungry, it's angry, it's rough and insane, and she wants more and more and more.
She gives herself to him on that grass, near the tracks, doesn't care if another train passes, if anyone might see them, all she cares is feeling more and more of him, feeling more of that perfection in the way they move together.
"I'm bipolar." She doesn't know why she says it. She just felt like saying it, felt like she might as well do it now and if he leaves, well then she can wait for another train to come and scream at.
Anna Karenina died like that, why shouldn't she follow her footsteps?
He stops kissing her, looks into her eyes and laughs. It's dark and it makes something inside her twist. "So am I, Red."
And then they talk about it and she realizes, maybe that is why she feels the way she does when she's with him. They're the same.
He tells her about his anger issues. How he lost count of the times Jo had to do first aid after an outburst. She tells him about the cuts, tells him about the heights, talks about wanting to die.
"I could hurt you. Just tell me how and I could do it. You win, I win."
"I want to die. Can you make that happen?"
"Not yet. It's not fun when you want it this badly. Besides, I rather like fucking you. I don't wanna ruin my fun just yet."
She laughs. They're joking, but something about it feels honest. "You're no fun."
He tickles her and she laughs, more sincere than anything. And then he kisses her and his hand is around her neck and he squeezes as hard as he can and maybe, just maybe, she could live a little longer to see what else he can do to her.
Maybe it could be fun. She could use a little more fun in her life. 'Not that kind of fun, Rora', she hears a voice say, and she isn't sure if it sounds more like Katherine or Tristan.
He drives them back to campus and walks her to her dorm.
"Have you ever been to an arcade?"
"No."
"I'll pick you up at six?"
"Okay."
They look at each other. She's smiling and he's grinning. She kisses his cheek and turns around. She feels like she won. She has no idea what, exactly.
They go to an arcade. He holds her hand. They drive around the city and talk and he drives them back to his dorm. His roommate isn't there.
They take their time. It's slower, but that doesn't mean they go easy on each other. She bites and licks and he fucks into her like he wants to hurt her, he keeps his hand over her mouth to stop her from screaming out her moans.
She goes to class. Hangs out with Jo. Eats at the cafeteria with Elena and Caroline. Kai takes her places, they go to the movies, or the mall, or to an arcade, and Jo tags along sometimes. She doesn't like bowling, but Kai does, so they go. He is pretty good at ice skating, she learns, and they go there pretty often.
They sleep together. In the car, in his dorm when his roommate isn't there or in her dorm when she knows Laura won't be there.
She lets him hurt her. Laughs when he asks if it hurts and smirks as she says he doesn't have to worry about that. The more it hurts, the better.
They go people-watching sometimes. It's pretty fun doing it with him.
She likes being with him. She doesn't think about Klaus as much. About New York. About the hospital. About playing the piano and music sheets and dying.
She doesn't think about cutting into her skin. He does it for her anyway and it feels good, when he does it.
It isn't gentle, but it's kind of... soft. Slow. She never did it slowly. But he does, he takes his time, makes her enjoy it, and she is betting all her money that he delights in making her feel each part of the cutting.
He makes her his roughly. Hungrily. She lets him. She bites and pushes and scratches and makes him make noises he never did before.
When they talk, she feels like she can finally talk about everything. Like she can finally say everything she wants, everything she feels.
As wild as it, it's also pretty safe. It doesn't make sense. She doesn't bother trying to make it make sense anyway.
He gives her a pretty bracelet as an early Christmas gift. She laughs. She gives him a very old, one of the original published books of Crime and Punishment.
He goes to Portland and she goes to England for the holidays.
She barely talks to Tristan while they're there. She doesn't want to. Out of shame, out of pride, holding out for secrecy or something.
She writes to Katherine and she knows he read the letters before he sent them. She doesn't care.
She isn't manic. She is holding it all out for when she sees Kai again. She isn't depressed either and that is a relief. She couldn't have wished for better holidays.