Archive of Our Own ^beta

Buck was a bright sun, warm and lighting up everyone’s days. And each of his friends were their own little planets, all with varying states of personality, all their own individuals and some of the planets had moons, moons that stuck close and supported them, gave them everything they needed.

All of his friends’ lives were so intertwined with Buck, all circling around his, with him in the centre, connecting it all. Buck loved his friends, his family, everyone, more than life, and was happy to be the person they went to when they needed warmth, when they needed a smile.

He felt important, to all of them. To Athena and Bobby, who treated him like a son when his parents neglected him for years. 

To Maddie and Chimney, who were the older siblings (in law or otherwise) to him and constantly teasing him, but there for him to cry on if he so needed. 

To Hen and Karen, who helped him through a sexuality crisis and listened to his vents and tried to give him unbiased advice during their wine nights.

To Josh and Ravi, who weren’t afraid to tease him regardless of the fact they weren’t as close to him as the others, but were there for him if he ever needed it.

To Eddie and Christopher, who were his entire world and felt like his home even though they weren’t.

He would do anything for all of them, lay down on an active train track of spikes with a bomb strapped to his chest if it meant they all got to be happy.

Which… is probably why he did it.

He didn’t even think he was all too clingy, sure, he craved touch like a starving man. When Maddie left, his parents refused to even look at him, alone give him positive physical affection, so Buck tried seeking it out through strangers, but it was never the same.

So when he finally found people who didn’t care how tactile he was, he latched onto it quickly. Long shared hugs between friends, holding their hands anytime he felt like it, giving Hen kisses anytime she allowed, draping himself across Chimney’s lap when they were on the couch, climbing onto Bobby’s back when he wasn’t paying attention, cuddling in the bunks with Eddie.

It was all normal for him, none of them minded how Buck would just meld them together, seeking off their warmth and comfort like it was all he needed to live.

Buck was emotionally clingy too, constantly seeking out their advice, letting them know how much he loved and care for them all, “I love you”s becoming as commonly said as “Good morning” for him because he needed them to all know how much he loved them.

And everything was fine, they allowed it and Buck saw no issue.

Until Ana confronted him about it.

Buck had been at the Diaz household, hanging out with Christopher while Eddie got ready for a date with Ana. Christopher was sat on his lap playing a video game, Buck’s chin rested on his head as he tried to beat Christopher, but the preteen kept trying to knock the remote out of his hand.

Ana walked in then, ready for Eddie to drive them to their date when she saw them. She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything to them. But Buck could feel this dark emotion being aimed at him and he tore his eyes away from the screen to meet her eyes.

She was staring at him with… Some sort of mixed expression. Hurt, confusion, and it almost looked like pity and Buck didn’t quite understand what it was but he didn’t like it.

Eddie came out, rolling up the sleeves of his dark blue button up and Buck whistled, making Eddie roll his eyes.

“Looking sharp, Eds.” Buck commented, keeping his eyes above the waist lest he let his eyes trail over the way the black jeans hugged Eddie’s thighs. His girlfriend was not even two feet away.

“Shut up,” Eddie said in that fondly exasperated tone that Buck swears is only reserved from him. “Ana, you look gorgeous.” 

And she did, she was wearing a white sleeveless A-line dress hat had pink and blue roses along the hem, making her tan skin glow. Her hair was pinned off to one side, the other falling over her shoulders in beautiful curls. She hardly wore any makeup and Buck swore she never even needed it because she was stunning.

“Thank you Edmundo,” Ana said and she gave Buck one more confusing to decipher look before reaching her arm out to Eddie.

Eddie grabbed her hand and turned to Buck, and Buck swears he sees a mixed expression of fear hidden underneath the excitement and Buck’s brows furrow.

“We’ll be back late, please make sure Chris gets to bed on time?” Eddie said and Buck nodded.

“Yeah, sure. No problem. Love you man, have fun on your date. You two Ana, you look awesome.” Buck said and Ana gives him a stiff expression before Eddie is being pulled out the door.

Buck doesn’t have time to dwell on Ana’s strange behaviour until it’s way later and the two are stumbling into Eddie’s house.

Buck gives them both a teasing grin and raises an eyebrow, trying to squash the jealousy he feels bubbling surface. He loved Eddie, has been in love with him for years, but he was doing well with the whole “Eddie is in love with someone else” thing and he wasn’t gonna start cracking now.

“You two had fun,” He teased and Eddie flushed as Ana leaned against him.

“We had a little too much to drink. Had to take an Uber so uh, my car is still there. Oh shoot, I hope they don’t tow it,” Eddie mumbled, pouting a little.

“I’ll drive you to pick it up tomorrow when you’re sober.” Buck said. “I’ll get you guys some water, you both go sit down.”

And Buck walks into the kitchen, like he does every night to make them dinner, but this time, he grabs a cup and the brita from the fridge and pours two glasses.

Ana stumbles into the kitchen, frowning as she leans against the fridge.

“You should stop that,” She said and Buck turns, grinning. “What, you want to drink more wine? I don’t think you’ll enjoy that plan when you wake up. You should be drinking water in moderation when drinking alcohol anyway to lessen the-”

“I meant stop clinging.” She mumbled and then she let out a small burp and covered her mouth, face flushed in embarrassment.

“Stop… what?” Buck asked as he rummaged around for tylenol next.

“Clinging.” She said and shook her head. “They’re not your family. Everytime I come over, you guys are always like… You’re always here . And when I visit the firehouse, you’re clinging to them as well. Like, you’re just this little… like little mosquito, just buzzing everywhere I go. I’m sure everyone’s gotten tired of you. You’re overbearing, you have problems they don’t want to deal with. Like, like zzzzt, there you are and they can’t be happy cause of it.”

Buck pauses, eyes staring into the back of the cabinet at the spot the tylenol should be , mouth set in a firm line, a deep heavy feeling settling on his chest.

I’m sure everyone’s gotten tired of you .

“It’s just… it’s weird .” Ana said and then grabbed the waters and stumbled back to the living room where Eddie was.

It’s weird.

It’s weird how Buck clings to family who isn’t his, it’s weird how Buck tells them I love you, it’s weird how he’s always there.

Buck bites his tongue, frowning and he runs a hand through his hair.

Maybe Ana is right, maybe… He just needs to back off some. It can’t be easy, dealing with him and his mess all the time. It can’t be easy for everyone to have to pick up the broken pieces of Buck anytime something goes wrong. And what if they are uncomfortable with him being all over them all the time, but they know how he is so they don’t say anything? What if they can’t handle it anymore and leave him because he’s so overbearing.

The thought makes him sick, he can’t handle another person leaving him, he can’t do it, but he’s overbearing and they can’t stand it.

So…

Maybe he just needs to back off.

He decided then and there, he was going to stop, he’d back off, give them all their space, emotionally and physically because if they suddenly decided that it was too much, then Buck was going to hurt more when they leave him than it hurts him now not touching them.

Buck pulls back after, he’s not venting all his issues to them anymore, he’s not constantly asking them to hang out everyday after work, he’s not unloading anything to them. And he stops being as tactile, still pats his friends on the back and gives them quick hugs, but he’s not draping himself over anyone, the kisses are gone and he sleep in his own bed.

No one says anything, they raise their eyebrow every now and then, but they say nothing and it’s then Buck realises they were too scared of hurting him before to say anything. Ana was right, they were tired of it, they were tired of him and said nothing because they knew how he would’ve reacted.

This is good though, because it means Buck caught the problem before it got too bad, they aren’t going to leave him, he can keep all his family still near him, revolving around him enough that they won’t leave him forever.

He can handle it, he’s fine with it.

Except it’s not.

Because Buck is cold, he’s colder than he’s ever been before, and even as he sits on the couch in between Hen and Chimney during downtime, a gap of space that feels like miles apart, he feels so alone .

He just wants to reach out, grab them and hold on, but that’s overbearing and they’ll get sick of him.

He can’t handle them leaving, and he loves them, so he pulls back.

It starts getting so bad though, when Buck touches them for the simplest thing, even just reaching across them to grab something, they’re so warm in comparison and Buck flinches back.

He never remembers a time when he didn’t welcome their touch, but now it’s not enough and too much all at once. 

When he touches them, there’s sparks of hot embers burning his skin, burning his ice cold layers like it’s their only job. Yet the fire beckons Buck to walk in and let himself succumb to warmth.

So he stops touching them entirely. He can’t handle this too little and too much feeling so he just stops, he jumps back when others try to hug him, high five him, he flinches when Bobby pats him on the back, and it sets him on edge, near panicking anytime his skin brushes someone elses.

He feels panicky and nervous all the time, like someone’s going to jump out and hug him randomly and he falls into a deeper depression and he has no one to go to because he stopped seeing Dr. Copeland when he “got better” and he’s trying not to unload his problems to his friends.

So he sits, curled up in his bed with colder sheets resting on colder skin, his own hand caressing his face as tears fall because he wishes it were anyone else’s hand. Just anyone who he loved, anyone to pick up the pieces.

But he also didn’t want them to know, he’s like a clay pottery vase (one kept only for display and not practicality) and he’s already been shattered so many times, his friends and family coming to him with glue and tape in hand to fix him back to the way he was, but he’s so broken at this point he isn’t sure there’s any clay left.

He doesn’t want them to deal with this, they shouldn’t have to deal with this, it’s not their mess.

Part of Buck is worried that once they see there’s no more clay to fix, they’ll give up, that if they see him like this, broken and sobbing over something he chose to do, that they’ll give up, realise he’s hopeless and leave and he doesn’t want them to.

So he keeps them at arms length, emotionally and physically. Starts sitting in the single seats in the engine so he doesn’t have to worry about the person next to him brushing against him. Starts sitting in the chairs rather than the couch at the firehouse so he’s alone. Starts heading back to his loft instead of Eddie’s house. 

Stops going to Hen and Karen’s wine nights. Stops meeting Chimney and Maddie for movie nights. Stops going to clubs with Josh. Stops having dinner with Athena and Bobby. Stops going sparring with Ravi.

And still, no one says anything to him, and it just cements the idea that they’ve wanted him to do this the whole time but didn’t want to fix him again.

He ignores their confused expressions when he jumps away from their contact, ignores the raised eyebrows he gets when he cancels plans, he ignores the looks they all share with each other when he says he’s fine.

He ignores it because he’s sure he’s making it up. There’s no way anyone cares enough about him to actually notice what he’s doing, there’s no way they have time to care about him, he’s just making it up.

Two months go by, what started as Buck just not doing things like hugging them, has turned into him almost completely ignoring them all.

It was for the best, he convinced himself. They had families, kids, lives outside of his, they were planets that were too far from the sun for Buck to touch and he was okay with it.

Everything was fine.

He’ll cry himself to sleep every night if he needs too, he’ll stop going to the big parties they plan because he has too, he stops reaching out for his friends because they want him too (this part sounds wrong in his mind, he knows that, but he tries to believe it anyway)

Everything goes fine.

Buck walked into the station, bag over his shoulder and he smiles at everyone as he walked, a fake smile that he’s had years and years to master but never thought he’d need to wear it again, yet here he was.

He changes quickly in the locker room, ignoring the look Eddie gives him (pitiful, longing, and something else Buck refuses to believe because Eddie is in a relationship with the perfect woman and Buck is a broken clay pottery piece) as Bobby approaches him.

“Buckley, I need to talk to you in my office.” Bobby said and Buck nodded, straightening up as he buttons the last of his button, keeping a small smile on his lips as he followed his captain.

He sat down and did what he always does, starts spinning in the chair for absolutely no reason other than to get Bobby to exasperatedly sigh and tell him to stop.

But Bobby doesn’t tell him to stop so Buck just puts his foot down and almost falls off the chair with the momentum.

“Buck,” Bobby said and he looks sad and Buck is suddenly worried. Has something happened? Is Athena okay? Did they get some call from Haiti about Harry? Is May doing okay at school? He asked Bobby all of this and Bobby’s jaw sets and he shakes his head.

“They’re fine, Buck.” Bobby informed and now Buck’s eyebrows raise.

“Are you okay? Did something happen?” Buck was a little frantic now, he can’t lose Bobby, the man is basically his father, a better one than his biological one could ever be.

“That’s what I wanted to ask you,” Bobby said and Buck freezes a little, sighing slowly as he forces himself to relax, trying for an easy going smile, but he was panicking.

Bobby had glue.

“What? Yeah, of course I’m fine. Everything’s great, why do you ask?” Buck asked and Bobby’s frown dipped more.

“Buck, be honest.” Bobby said.

Put the glue down.

“I am being honest, Cap. Come on, would I lie to you?” Buck tilted his head, hoping the metaphorical mask he slipped on everyday when he came to work wasn’t slipping off and showing how much it pained him to lie to someone he loved.

Bobby stared at him for a long moment. 

“Buck, you need to know that if something has happened, you can tell me, okay? If anyone is hurting you, or you just need help, I’m here for you.” Bobby said and Buck sighed out slowly.

Bobby sets the glue down .

“I know, Cap. And if something happens, I will. Promise.” Buck said and Bobby relaxed a little more. 

“Okay, now come on, I’m making your fave for breakfast.” He said and Buck jumped to his feet excitedly.

“Hell yeah!” 

Bobby was making his favourite and reassuring him he was there for him, everything was fine. Buck could love everyone from a distance like this, he could and he was and it was doing fine, they still loved and cared for him, this plan was working well.

Buck was proud of himself, for not giving in, for not quitting when it got too hard to be away from them, he’s sure someone out there would give him a medal if they knew what he was doing.

All his family stills spun and revolved like nothing was ever wrong (if he looked closer, he’d see they were all revolving in the wrong direction) so he believed everything was fine.

Hen and Chimney corned him a week after Bobby called him to the office. Buck was changing his shoes to head home when they both entered and crossed their arms, looking down at him.

“What?” He asked after the standstill stayed a little too still for a little too long.

“Did we do something to upset you?” Hen asked, brows furrowed and frowning and Buck shook his head. 

“What? No, why would you ask that?” He asked and stood up too, scratching at his jaw a little.

“Because you’ve been avoiding us,” Chimney answered, also frowning. “You’ve been avoiding everyone like… all the time. It’s so un-Buck of you. So like, what gives?”

Buck felt panic seize in his chest. He was just trying to give them the space they needed but they thought they did something wrong ? They could never.

“You guys didn’t do anything wrong, I promise.” Buck said. “I’m not avoiding you guys, I’ve just been busy.”

“With what? It’s been like two months since you started acting all shady.” Hen said and Buck felt his heart drop into his stomach.

They had noticed.

They noticed from the very start something was wrong.

Hen was holding glue and Chimney had tape and Buck needs to figure out how to get them to drop it .

“Just a little project I’ve been working on. You know me and my uh… Random hobbies. Got really into knitting. Did you know there’s a weight of yarn called fingering ? It’s used mostly for shawls and shit.” Buck lies through his teeth (well, not about the yarn fact, that was very much true). 

Hen and Chimney share a look, the kind of look that means the two of them are somehow communicating telepathically (Buck remembers when he first joined and was jealous of how easily they worked together, never needing to speak because they just knew what the other needed. And then a year later Buck met Eddie) before they turn back to Buck.

“Athena is throwing a party this weekend, you’re coming right?” Hen asked, tilting her head.

Buck looks down and starts picking at his nails. He’d been planning on “forgetting” about the party, but now Hen was the third person to remind him, it would be suspicious if he didn’t show.

It’s just…

That many people he loved and cared for all packed into a small room together? People he couldn’t hug or talk to lest he dump all his problems on them and cling to their side? He couldn’t do it.

But he couldn’t not show.

“Yeah, I’ll go,” He said and his friends seem satisfied with that and they smile.

“Alright Buckaroo!” Chimney said and clapped his hands before patting Buck’s shoulders. “See you there!” 

And they leave.

They leave and Buck sinks to sit on the bench.

They leave and Buck has a mental breakdown because he’s so warm just from that one touch.

Just a two second touch that Chimney did absentmindedly and Buck is sitting in the locker room trying not to cry because he misses their touch more than anything.

But he can’t give in, he can’t give in because then he’ll drive them all away.

The party goes smoothly, Buck tucking himself into a corner while all his planets orbit around. Buck keeps himself out of the way, he only joins conversations when they come over to him, he does well to not be overbearing and the party is great.

Buck even feels himself relax the longer it goes on and it’s great.

And then Eddie shows up.

With Ana.

She’s smiling and pretty as always and Buck sometimes wishes he could be as pretty as her before squashing the thought on covering it with a rug before setting the rug on fire.

She’s all poised and pretty, even in the plain light blue skinny jeans and low cut blouse she wears, she’s so effortlessly pretty. And she’s at Eddie’s side, Eddie’s arm around her and settling on her shoulder (not her waist, which Buck thinks is weird because Eddie used to wrap his arms around his waist a lot and he was just his friend) as he manoeuvred them through the crowd of people.

Eddie was introducing Ana to people and Buck watched out of the corner of the room as she talked and people laughed.

Bobby rested a hand on her shoulder and she smiled brightly as Bobby spoke to her and Buck watched Bobby’s hand rest there with longing. Longing and yearning to be held and touched by anyone again.

He was so cold, so cold all alone, a shattered pot that was no longer clay, a sun that was dying, the light was fading and he knew he should ask for help but it was hard and it was better for everyone this way if he left them alone.

Buck a few weeks ago almost considered sleeping around again, but was terrified he’d become addicted to it again, and he’s tried so hard to distance himself from Buck 1.0.

But the thought returns again as he watches his friends and family welcome Ana with open arms.

The party goes on for a little longer, Eddie still hasn’t said hi but that’s okay because if he did, Buck thinks he might just shatter again and he doesn’t want to do that to everyone. Not when they’re supposed to be relaxing.

Athena, Maddie, Hen and Chimney are all talking to Ana, who for once isn’t glued to Eddie’s side, the man going inside to get them drinks. The group looks so lovely, all happy people who have their shit together and are confident in themselves.

Buck watches them from a distance, nursing his cup as Ana speaks and he raises an eyebrow when he sees Maddie frown. Chimney crosses his arms and looks at Hen and Athena says something to Ana. Ana puts a hand on her chest and rolls her eyes, waving the other hand around and smiling softly at them. Buck isn’t sure what’s going on, but whatever she says upsets them.

Bobby, who was nearby at the grill, turns to her, pointing at her with his spatula and he says something, a little angry and Buck can hear his voice, but words aren’t clear enough. Other people near the group are tuned in and Buck almost moves to get closer, to hear whatever the hell is being spoken about, but he stays tucked away.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Except, that’s apparently not true because Ana points at him, rolling her eyes and she looks upset now. All of Buck’s friends' heads turn towards him and he looks down at his cup, swallowing harshly.

They were talking about him.

Was Ana pointing out how bad Buck was for them? How they should all leave him? Why would she do that? He left like she suggested, he distanced himself, he stopped being overbearing.

Eddie comes out and when he sees the commotion, he says something and Athena turns to him, angrily talking about something and Eddie turns to Ana, frowning deep.

Whatever was happening was serious.

Eddie hands Maddie and Chimney the cups and then waves goodbye to the group, grabbing Ana’s wrist and pulling her to follow him.

Eddie walked up to Buck and Buck felt panic rising in his chest.

What were they talking about?

“Buck, come on, let me drive you home.” Eddie’s voice is soft, but his expression looks forced and Buck furrows his brows, looking at Ana, who is pouting and glaring at him (Which… He’s never seen Ana look anything but sweet and charming, so this was new).

“I- I’m fine, Eddie.” Buck insisted. If he sat in a car with Eddie, his coworker, his best friend, his love of his life, his home , he thinks he’d break.

“No, come on.” Eddie said and Buck didn’t get much to say elsewise because Eddie was storming out after. Buck felt all eyes on him and he raised an eyebrow, his friends looked at him sadly and he didn’t know why and he didn’t know what was happening but they shouldn’t look like that for him, he’s fine.

“Buck!” Eddie shouts and Buck sets his drink down and followed after.

Buck was on edge as he approached Eddie’s truck and when Eddie nodded to his passenger door, Buck climbed in. He turned and saw the truck was empty.

“Where’s Ana?” He asked and Eddie rolled his eyes. “Sent her home. I can’t- We broke up. God, I can’t believe she’d do something like this.”

“Something like what? What was… all that that happened back there?” Buck asked and Eddie looks at him, jaw set and Eddie pinches the bridge of his nose.

“When did Ana speak to you last?” Eddie asked and Buck frowned and shrugged, settling in his seat.

“I dunno, like two months ago-ish.” He mumbled and Eddie leaned forward, head resting against the steering wheel.

“Fuck,” Eddie mumbled and shook his head. “What did you talk about? And don’t lie to me, Evan.”

And how the hell was Buck supposed to sit there and lie to him, when he was distraught, when he was asking him, Evan , to tell the truth.

“She pointed out that I’m… Overbearing… at times.” Buck mumbled and Eddie begins banging his head into the steering wheel.

“Woah, Eddie, stop it.” Buck moved to push Eddie back, but his hands hovered, like he was afraid to actually reach out.

“You’re not overbearing.” Eddie said and Buck retracts his hands before they settle on Eddie’s shoulder.

“I am, that’s the problem. I mean, like, I’m super clingy. I get scared people will leave me and I- I double down, like latch onto people like-” a mosquito . “Like a mosquito. Just… sucking out all the joy and happiness you all have anytime I have an issue.”

“ Evan ,” Eddie turned to look at him, forehead a little red now. “You’re not a mosquito, you’re not overbearing, you’re our friend, our family, and we’re not going anywhere soon. You- It felt like you were leaving us . Avoiding us everywhere we went, not touching us, we were all scared we had done something to you. We wanted to talk about it but we felt like all of us asking would be like, like cornering you and then we couldn’t decide who would be the person to confront you about it because we all want you know you’re loved , Buck. We all love you so much.”

Buck looked down at his lap, eyes wide and avoiding Eddie’s gaze as he tried to force back tears.

“Why’d you run away?” Eddie asked hopelessly.

“I- I didn’t mean to. Not at first,” Buck mumbled. “Just wanted to pull back some, not be as touchy, not be as feely. But it was like- Like it burned Eddie, any touch burned because I wanted to be warm I- I’ve been so cold without you all and I wanted to burn and it was too much. So I figured I’d… stop touching everyone. And then I couldn’t be around you guys cause all I wanted was to hug you, kiss you all, love you all and I didn’t-... Didn’t want to scare you off.”

“You’d never scare us off,” Eddie promised and Buck lets out a weak sob.

“Eddie, Eds, I’ve- God, I’ve been left by everyone . It’s just- It’s so hard to believe anyone wants me around anymore. That anyone cares about me enough they want to stay. You all have families that you love and I don’t so- I just figured it would hurt less if I stopped giving you guys reasons to leave.” Buck confesses.

“We’re your family,” Eddie said and Buck bites his tongue, tears streaming down his face and he’s so emotional, this is probably the driving point for Eddie to leave, all his clay is gone, he’s so cold and his light’s gone out. Might as well get it all out.

“Not in the way I want,” Buck mumbled. “You’re not my family in the way I want, Eddie.”

Eddie stares at him for a long moment, turning so his knees knocked against the centre console.

“What do you want?” Eddie asked, voice soft and gentle and Buck lets out a shaky laugh.

Because he wants everything as long as it’s Eddie.

“I want… Waking up with you in the morning. I want making breakfast and dropping Christopher off at school. I want wearing each others turnout gears and working seamlessly together. I want stolen kisses inbetween shifts. I want coming home with you after work and making dinner for you and Christopher. I want cheesy kisses with you while we make a mess in the kitchen. I want to be there when you wake up from nightmares to hold you and calm you down. I want- I want everything you can offer, Eddie. And it hurts because I can’t have it.” Buck wipes away his tears and freezeswhen he feels Eddie’s hand on his cheek.

Warmth is bleeding out from his fingertips and seeking deep into Buck’s skin, burning him from the outside in and Buck wants more of it, he wants all of it.

“Who said you can’t have it?” Eddie’s voice is soft and confused, he’s pouting a little and his brows are furrowed.

“I-” Buck lets out a choked out sob. “You were with Ana. And you guys were happy. And she’s- She’s perfect . Better than I’ll ever be. She’s pretty, and she’s funny and Christopher loves her and she’s so loveable.”

“You’re all that too.” Eddie said and moves his other hand so Buck’s face is cupped in his hands. “I- Fuck, Evan, I’m so stupid. I thought you wouldn’t feel the same so I- I tried to move on. Tried to find someone my parents would’ve loved when I was younger. But- Everything about her is so bland next to you. Sure, she’s pretty, but you’re stunning . She’s funny, but you’re hilarious. Christopher loves her, but he adores you. And Evan, don’t think for a single second that you aren’t loveable.”

Buck is fully crying now and his skin feels like fire and he feels so loved and comforted and he can’t believe for a single second he thought his family, friends, that Eddie would ever leave him behind.

“I’m sorry,” Buck cried and Eddie leaned in close, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “No, no, it’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong, okay? I love you, Buck. Evan. I love you, okay?”

Buck nodded furiously. “Yeah, okay. I- I love you too Eds. So much. So much it hurts sometimes.”

Eddie smiled softly and his thumb wipes away tears from under Buck’s eyes.

“Loving you hurts worse than getting shot sometimes,” Eddie mumbled. “But it also feels like the most healing thing to ever happen to me.”

Buck sobbed louder and leaned forward, wrapping his arms tight around Eddie and Eddie held him back until Buck’s sobs began to dwindle off.

They slowly pulled apart and Eddie kissed his forehead again and ran a hand through Buck’s hair.

“Come on, the rest of your family wants to remind you that you’re loved too.” Eddie said and Buck sniffled.

“I just finished crying, Eds. Don’t make me cry anymore.” He half heartedly protested as they climbed out of the jeep.

“You deserve to know you’re loved,” Eddie said. “Even if every single person in that house has to remind you of it.”

And boy, do they make sure Buck knows he’s loved, every single person, hugging him, pressing kissed to his cheek, holding him tight, they all mumbl reassurances, tell him they love him because they do and Buck deserves to feel loved.

Buck cries himself sick by the end of the night because he feels so happy and comforted but he doesn’t care.

His family didn’t mind that he was mostly glue, they didn’t care that they had run out of tape, they’d be here to put each clay potter piece back in place as much as he needed.

And he wasn’t cold anymore, not with the scorching fire from all of them, their love warming him from his head to his toes, every single part of him loved by his family.

And he learned that his little planets couldn’t survive without his light, they relied on him just as much as he relied on them. 

Buck had so much love in his heart, and he was loved so much in return.