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Chapter Text

His mind is empty. The effortless glide of blades on the ice, gives Sirius the escape he desperately seeks.

The numb fingers and the frost on his nose is unnoticeable as he gracefully embraces the path his legs take him.

Sirius would live on the ice if he could. The promise of security and undemanding expectations.

Lamentably, life outside of the rink is unavoidable and unsatisfying. And if he had a magic wand, Sirius would grab James and Regulus and wrap them in a bubble, hostage in their own world on the ice.

Sirius' thoughts often get the better of him. He fills his head with anxieties of Regulus and James leaving him. Of James' friendship needs being fulfilled by his mates on the Basketball team. He worries that people notice him in the halls, and judge the outfit he chose, or how he did his hair. He fears that he talks too loud, or he walks funny, or that people notice the bruising on his arms and back.

It isn't Regulus and James being together that troubles Sirius. It's the fear that he is replaceable. That is absence is noticed, but disregarded. That his commentary is welcomed but not required. His invitation to 'come along' is generous, but not sincere.

James still comes to every showcase he has, along with the rest of their friends. Still, Sirius can't help but wonder if he's there to see him, or to see Regulus.

The ice is the only place where no thoughts are required. His feet carry him the distance so his mind can rest. The soreness of his legs are barely a thought, barely noticed.

The melody of the song playing from the speakers, echoes softly in his ears.

The walk off the ice rink breaks the fog of Sirius’ mind. The reminder of what awaits him at home, lies heavy in his stomach. The nerves of upcoming showcases have nothing on the dread of the walk home.

Bag slung over shoulder, Sirius trudges his way towards the exit of the school. With his hour of practice done, the walk home (therapeutic and simultaneously nerve wracking) provides him with enough time to finish the next chapter of his book.

Previous trial and error of reading while walking, has forced Sirius to download the audio version of his book. The Perks of Being a Wallflower. He’s never seen the movie, but he’s reread this book since he was a kid. Sirius could recite a paragraph, after just hearing the first sentence.

Embarrassingly, Sirius has always had a soft spot for the book. He doesn't see himself as Charlie per-say, but he relates to more things Charlie feels and says then he'd like to admit. Its nice. Even to read about someone who might have the slightest idea about what he's feeling. To not only have an idea, but to relate, and maybe understand. So, he keeps reading it. Maybe because he loves it, or maybe because he has something to prove.

The repetition of it all never bothered Sirius. It instilled familiarity and was the perfect post-skate remedy.

Plugging the headphone jack into his phone and updating the chapter, the knots in his stomach eased, slightly. Not enough to stop the imploding thoughts and anxiety, but enough to get him started on his journey home.

The houses blurred as he walked. The cars weaved by. The sun went down steadily, triggering the streetlights above.

The chapter flew by, segueing into the next.

Sirius mouthed some of the sentences, hoping no-one driving by could see. It was more impulse, than anything.

His steps were fluid and consistent. Stuttering only slightly when a truck slowed down beside him. Without turning his head, he peaked at the car, taking note of the window rolling down.

Halting his pace, he reaches to take out a headphone, and turns fully towards the car.

“Hello, Black.” The voice, familiar and altogether foreign, causes a nervous rush, to pulse through him.

“Sirius is fine, Remus.” Sirius is surprised Remus stopped to acknowledged him. Farthest communication has gone between them is quick glances after James’ basketball game. Remus is a great player. As good, if not better, than James. His long legs, and toned arms make him nearly unstoppable. That, and his 6’2 figure.

“Where are you headed Sirius? It’s getting cold out.” His voice is deep, yet airy and light. And Sirius’ response is quick and guarded.

“Home. And I must hurry my mother is waiting for me.” Sirius lifts his lips up slightly, in polite effort to continue his journey home. Remus nods, understandingly.

“Ah, understood. Well, make it home safe, Black.”

“Sirius.” He corrects, “but thanks, you too.” Silently slipping a headphone in, and continuing his previous pace home.

He watches the car roll away, until its no longer visible.

The walk is quick after that, a short period of it, spent questioning the oddity of Remus Lupin, stopping for a chat. But the rest, mentally preparing himself, for the hell, he gets to call home.

The front door was unlocked, and the house was silent. The only sound is the click of the lock and the patter of his socks on the floor.

Sirius creeps up the stairs, careful not to make his presence known.

Down the hallway he hears muffled voices and hushed laughs, he knocks softly on the room across from his own, and sways on the pads of his feet.

The whispers on the other side of the door go suddenly silent, only for a moment before the door creeks open slightly.

“Ugh, Mon Dieu. James, it’s just Sirius.” Regulus’ voice has no venom, but Sirius already feels like he’s intruding.

James’ voice is heard calling for him jovially, through the phone, on the bed they were previously sitting on.

It use to bother Sirius, when his best friend started dating his brother. He doesn’t pay it much thought anymore, but he still catches himself feeling like a third wheel, or intrusion, as much as James tries to proves that he’s not.

Regulus frowns at Sirius in the doorway.

“Are you going to come in? Or just stand there like an idiot…”

Sirius huffs out a breath, a shadow of a smile on his lips.

“Arrêt. Je vais au lit.” Stop. I’m gong to bed.

He smiles, and takes a step back from the door. 

Bedroom door ajar, Sirius slips out of his practice attire and into his SKIMS pajama pants.

James had boughten them as a joke for his seventeenth birthday, but they are soft, and they fit nice. Who had to know?

Slipping back in his headphones, Sirius scrolls aimlessly through his phone, liking photos of friends from school, catching up briefly with what he missed so far this week.

Marlene and Dorcas had a sleepover Friday. Shocking.

Pete finally brought his rat to the vet. Thank God.

James and Reg had a coffee date while Sirius was at practice… Awesome.

Remus Lupin got scouted by Duke’s basketball coach. Wow.

Sirius dreams of skating for Notre Dame.

Chapter Text

Staring up at the smooth-colorless ceiling, Sirius wonders how long he could stay in bed before he’d be late for school.

Blinking away the sleep from his eyes, a quick puff of air escapes from Sirius’ nose, as he begrudgingly sits up. He pre-picked his clothes for the week, needing to know exactly what he was gonna wear each day.

He slips on the light-wash jeans he set out previously, and quickly throws on a brown shirt he bought shopping with James. He doesn’t put on any rings, knowing he’d have to take them off for practice anyways.

Sirius and Regulus are supposed to walk to school. His parents leave early for work, so sometimes James comes to pick them up. Two honks out front signify his arrival.

He meets his brother in the stairwell, and stops quickly to put on his shoes. Regulus slips past him and out the door.

After checking all the lights were turned off, Sirius quickly locks the door and heads over to James’ car. His parents spent quite a lot on his first truck. A Ford Bronco, wrapped in an overwhelming cherry red color. Its definitely hard to miss.

Sirius goes to open the passenger door, when he remembers that’s Regulus’ usual seat now, and quietly slides into the back, throwing his back pack onto the seat next to him.

The pair in the front chat as usual, James talking a mile a minute and Regulus pretending to be annoyed. There’s a hint of music playing from the speakers, but Sirius couldn’t quite drown out their conversation enough to enjoy it.

“Sirius, are you coming to my game tonight?” James peers at him in the rearview mirror, preening like a happy dog. “I’m starting this time, and Marlene and Lily will be there.”

Sirius smiles back at him in the mirror. “Of course I’ll be there. Me and Reg can walk together after practice.” He smiles back at James, momentarily feeling the familiar friendship dynamic he once cherished.

The sliver of his brothers head he can still see from the back nods happily. All the while, Sirius’ leg jumps repeatedly on the floor of the car, morning jitters making him restless. His nails subconsciously pick at the small thread at the seam of his pants.

Silently, James reaches in his glove department, pulling out a rubber soccer ball, and tossing it softly to Sirius. He use to leave it in the front, so when James would pick him up, he’d have something to keep his hands busy. James always seemed to know what he needs.

He feels a light of affection for James at the gesture, that quickly turns into embarrassment. He suddenly feels a bit silly for needing James to babysit him. Maybe that’s why he spends more time with Regulus. Maybe it’s just easier.

Forcefully pushing those thoughts out of his mind, Sirius leans back on the head rest, and closes his eyes.

He thinks of the upcoming practice tonight. Picturing himself tying up his skates. He imagines the drastic temperature change from the fall breeze to the freezing chill of the rink. He smiles softly at the idea. He just has to get through the day.

They pull up to school quickly after that. James parks close to the entrance, pecking Regulus quickly on the cheek and opening his car door. Popping the trunk, he slips on his backpack and the two brothers swiftly exit too.

The walk to first period is the most chaotic by far. Teens rush to class, talking in clusters and crowding the halls. Sirius walks the way he always does, with purpose and consistency. Stepping quickly through the door to his first class, Sirius sits in his usual seat, briefly smiling to his desk mate Peter.

Sirius counts down the hours till lunch, and when the bell finally rings Sirius practically jumps out of his seat with excitement. Stepping into the hall he sees Marlene waiting for him with her backpack bouncing excitedly.

“I thought I smelled something.” She made a face of disgust and ducked when Sirius swatted at her. “I like these pants” she said, looking him up and down. “Can I borrow them sometime?”

“If you don’t stretch them out,” he joked, slinging an arm around her neck. The hallway is close to empty, as most everyone has hurried off to lunch.

Sirius always feels at ease with Marlene. He knows they have each others back, and he never has to worry about what she thinks of him. They’re practically the same person. “Are you going to the game tonight, Marly.”

Her nose wrinkles in distaste at the horrible nickname, “I’ll be there.”

As their table comes into view, it’s clear their friends have been waiting for them. Everyone in their group is there, except his brother, who eats with his grade, in the year below. Two empty seats sit in-between James and Dorcas, and Marlene rushes to claim the seat next to her girlfriend.

Sirius sits excitedly next to James, who smiles warmly. His brow raises in a simple question, that Sirius knows well. Alright? It asks.

He nods happily and smiles back. “Do you still need the English homework? I took a picture before I turned it in.”

Sirius looks forward to lunch, it’s the only time when things feel normal. He feels guilty for enjoying time away from his brother. Guilty for feeling like these are his friends and his time. These people saved him, and as happy as he is that they are saving Reg as well, he can’t help but feel like it’s just another way his family gets involved with the things he has. Like he doesn’t have anything to himself. Not James, not skating, not his friends.

Even in his better mood Sirius still can’t stomach any food, and he didn’t even bother getting in the lunch line. The conversation flows fluidly, and Sirius wishes he had something interesting to add.

James talks to Lily about the big game tonight, and promises he’s not nervous. Lily’s always been able to see through his big ego though, and that is probably why they are such good friends.

Marlene and Dorcas whisper-talk about something they watched at their sleepover this weekend, laughing and linking their pinkies under the table. Peter switches back and forth between the two conversations, jumping in when something interests him.

Sirius just listens.

After lunch, the rest of the day trudges on, then it's time for practice. He practically skips to the rink and into the locker room. Regulus is already there, changing into his ‘practice set'.
They dress in relatively awkward silence, but he pays no mind. He’s mentally on the ice.

It was a basic rehearsal, and he didn’t know his skating partner well, but it was still exhilarating. His body moved with impulse and fluidity. His legs burned beautifully and his hands were red and cold.

Eyes were on him, but he wasn’t embarrassed. Sirius was proud, and confident in his abilities. He knew this was the one thing he couldn’t mess up. Vaguely aware of ‘Say yes to Heaven’ playing from the rinks speakers, the skaters bodies flowed together seamlessly to the soft melodies.

The girl performing with him was shorter than him, which was a nice change of pace. She has long blonde hair tied up into a tight bun. Her performance was well rehearsed and clean yet still, she let Sirius lead them.

When the song came to an end, disappointment sat in his stomach. It finished much too soon. As he stepped off the ice, he pulled himself together enough to watch Regulus’ turn. Regulus never got many chances to perform duo and Sirius was proud when he heard this would be another opportunity for him.

Sirius watched as his brother glided around the ice and met his partner in the center. He notes the way he softly positions his hands on her waist, holding her securely.

The performance is beautiful. Sirius is proud, as any big brother would be. He wants to hug Reg close, and tell him it was amazing and he loves him. But that’s not where they are yet. Sirius isn’t ready yet.

When the time does come for Regulus to exit the ice, he walks straight the stands to Sirius’ seat. “What did you think? Any notes?” Regulus sounded monotone, but his eyes revealed the search for validation.

Sirius grinned and punched his arm playfully. “It was great Reggie, really. You have an ugly concentration face though. I’d work on that.”

Regulus chuckled slightly, more than Sirius expected, and punched him back. “Are you ready to go? We’ve got a little while til the game.”

Checking the clock on his phone he nods and they head back to the locker room, a little less awkward than when they started.

Chapter Text

The bleachers were swarming with people. Shoulder to shoulder, the room was humid, and heat radiated off the crowd of bodies. Sirius sat quietly, perched between Lily and Marlene. Dorcas was assistant manager of the basketball and wrestling team, letting her sit on the bench by the court.

Both had hugged him when he arrived, and Lily had asked the brothers all about their practice, promising to come to the upcoming showcase. Marlene gave Sirius a spare hair tie, that he usually played with during the game.

Regulus and Lily go off to get some snacks, giving Marlene the chance to tie up Sirius’ hair. She ran her fingers delicately against his scalp, throwing the hair into sections, and twisting them together.

Marlene is the only person Sirius likes touching his hair. She knows she’s the only one, and she doesn’t make it a big deal. She drops her hands when she’s done, and it’s not spoken of again. It’s comforting though, maybe for them both.

Regulus and Lily get back right before the game starts, and Sirius watches intently. Even after being to hundreds of James’ games, he still has no idea what’s going on. Based on the matching expression of Regulus’ face, he can only assume they are in the same boat.

A year ago, the brothers practiced as normal, maybe even talked on the way there. Things weren’t great, but they had each other. After, James would walk with Sirius over to the game, bidding Regulus goodbye. Sirius would wait, how he is now, with Marlene and Lily until the game was over. Sirius would wait for James outside the locker room, and together, the two would walk to their car, driving and laughing together.

It's scary how quickly things change.

Scarier that there is nothing you can do about it.

Sirius has enough common sense to cheer when James shoots the ball into the net, standing up with the rest of the crowd, yelling and clapping. Lily lets out a loud whoop, louder than the rest, causing people nearby to look over. Sirius doubles over laughing. Marlene smiles at him and lets out an equally loud yell. Soon, both girls are yelling theatrically, smiling when they notice Sirius’ state.

He clutches his sides, laughing and shushing them dramatically. His eyes scan back over to court, feeling eyes on him. Across the stadium, they lock eyes. Lupin. He’s got an amused look on his face, and the corners of his mouth are lifted slightly. Sirius looks away first, and when he looks up again, Remus is back out on the court.

Everyone settles down again and Sirius checks the scoreboard. Lions are behind by two and the game is coming to an end. In the last thirty seconds, James is trying to get to the ball, but is successfully blocked by a defensive player on the other team. Number 32 is dribbling the ball up to the net, the Lions all race to get the ball. Right as the player takes the shot, the ball is pushed down and ran over to the other side.

Number 03, Remus Lupin. An enigma, really. His long legs carry him quickly to the middle of the court, where he is surrounded by players on the other team. He goes to take a step, then doubles back. A player steps to swipe at the ball, forcing Remus to take a shot.

The stadium is shockingly quiet, watching the attempted pass from behind the three-point line. Sirius’ eyes blurred slightly, as a quick whoosh is heard from the stands.

The siren blares, signifying the end of game, and everyone around them is celebrating. James and the team ran over to Lupin, jumping on him and clapping his back aggressively. The team made their way over to the locker rooms to pack up and spend the rest of their Friday night out celebrating.

Marlene stood up, grabbing her stuff, and turned to Sirius. “I’m going to go get Dorcas and we are gonna go.” She patted his head and winked dramatically. Sirius grabbed her hand, pushing it away, eyes rolling, comically.

“Yeah-yeah whatever. Go. I’ll text you later.” He smiled back at her as she walked down the bleacher stairs and onto the court. Everyone was starting to file out, and Sirius was excited to spend the rest of the night with James, even if Regulus joins them. Tonight, will be fun regardless.

Sirius and Regulus follow suit and make their way down the steps, and over to the doors of the locker room. As people rush from the building, shoulder after shoulder presses into Sirius’, jerking him around. Not one pair of eyes meet his, almost like he wasn’t there.

He feels himself flinch, with every person that nudges him. There’s people moving in front of him, behind him, and on both sides. With nowhere to move, he feels stuck. A burn goes up Sirius’ back, and it starts to feel like his body’s on fire.

A strong hand on his shoulder shakes him enthusiastically, his eyes draw to the wild mop of hair in front of him. James is still rattling with post-game adrenaline. A sensation Sirius knows all too well. They walk to the doors of the gym, James receiving celebratory cheers, and rough pats on the back. He laughs happily, soaking in the attention.

Outside, the sun is beginning to set, and dark clouds litter the sky. The air smells thick, and there’s a soft fall breeze shaking the trees.

Comfortable silence fills the trio, and Sirius is the first to speak. “Do you guys wanna… I don’t know, watch a movie? Or go for a drive?” His voice shakes a little, but for what, he’s not sure.

James scratches the back of his neck and takes a glance to Regulus who is already looking back. “Me and Reg were gonna go to our dinner reservations and get some ice cream, but you can definitely come with us! Or we can just scratch that and go to a movie?” James is smiling, and Regulus hums thoughtfully.

“Yes. That’s a great idea. Come with us Sirius.” Regulus’ voice sounds emotionless, as it always does when they interact. The invitation is not sincere.

Jealousy flares in his chest. What did they think Sirius would do? Make other plans? Go home alone? Maybe he didn’t even cross their mind.

Sirius doesn’t bother weighing his options.

Third wheel his younger brother and his childhood best friend or find another way home.

Sirius takes a step away from the duo and looks down at the ground, not caring to look them in the eye. “No.” it sounded aggressive and he clears his throat before trying again. “No, thanks. I, um. Marlene said I could ride with her so,” Scuffing his foot on the concrete, he pulls the straps on his backpack. Thunder sounds in the distance and Sirius sighs tiredly.

“Thanks for inviting me though. I’ll see you guys later.” He gives them a tight lip smile, and stalks around the building, away from the parking lot. He hesitates for a minute before sitting on a curb and pulling his phone out of his pocket. His hands are shaking slightly. Everything was out of control.

Sirius had no control.

There’s no notifications, and Sirius is not surprised. He wonders the odds of Marlene still being on campus.

Sirius: r u still here?

Marlene: we just left. u ok?

Sirius turns off his phone, slamming it on the sidewalk, and slots his head in between knees. Shallow breaths and a pounding headache accompany the realization he'll probably will be walking home in the rain.

He feels light-headed and there’s a panic settling in his stomach. He doesn’t have a coat, a ride home, an umbrella or a friend. He’s alone.

Crescent fingernails dig into his palm. Sirius is embarrassed. What if someone walks by and sees him? Why can’t he just be normal; accept invitations from his best friend and maybe have fun. Why can’t he get out of his own head?

There’s heat suddenly in the spot next to him. The sound of shoes on pavement accompanied by the ruffle of a duffle bag.

Sirius lifts his head slowly from its position nestled between his knees. His eyes lift until they meet amber. Unfamiliar yet, completely recognizable. “Hello, Black. Are you alright?” His voice is soft, but there’s no pity lingering on his face, nor amusement, which Sirius is grateful for.

“Sirius. And yes, I’m okay Remus.” He tries to smile, but it comes out wobbly, and his voice betrays him, hardly concealing his distress.

Remus smiles back, and he makes a show of checking his wrist, as if there were a watch there. “Sorry, Sirius.” He corrects. “It’s getting a bit late, would you like a ride home?”

Sirius’ embarrassment grows with each word. He doesn’t want pity, especially not Remus Lupin. “That’s okay, Remus. I promise I am okay.”

Remus just smiles. “Well, that’s good, I wouldn’t want to get food with someone who's gonna pass out in my car.”

There’s humor in his voice, Sirius almost smiles. “Who said anything about food?”

Remus doesn’t reply. He just stands up, re-slinging his bag over his shoulder. Sirius looks up in time to see Remus stick his hand out, a small smile on his face.

Sirius considers his thoughts from earlier. The wish to be normal, accept invitations, to have fun. He could start now. This could be his chance to change.

Remus waves his hand a little, his eyebrow raised and a playful smile on his face.

Sirius reaches up and grips his hand.

Chapter Text

Sirius relaxes as he silently follows Remus, who doesn’t push him for conversation. Wordlessly, Remus unlocks his car door, tossing his duffle bag into the back, then facing back towards Sirius.

“Hasn’t your mother ever warned you about getting in the car with strangers?”  

Remus laughs at him; a loud laugh that echoed through the parking lot. A reaction that was not deserving of Sirius’ attempt at humor. “We aren’t really strangers, are we?”

It’s an ominous question. As far as he knew, the only thing they had in common was… well James. Yet, the words were more comforting than he expected. “Well, we have gone to school together since middle school, and you’ve never actually spoken to me so…”

Remus cocks his head, and he looks a bit foolish. His auburn locks flops to the left, following the movement of his neck. The look of disbelief plastered on his features.

A wet drop splashes against Sirius’ neck, and he squints up at the dark clouds still hanging in the sky. Remus opens the driver’s side door and motions his head at Sirius then back towards the car. “We can finish this riveting conversation in the car. That is, if you’re still worried about ‘stranger danger’.

Remus’ face is inviting, and he doesn’t seem to expect anything from Sirius.

Hesitating, he intertwines his hands behind his back and stalks towards the car.

A strong smell of pine hits his senses as he opens the door. There’s a green, tree shaped, air freshener dangling from the review mirror. The seats are polished, but the dashboard was scuffed, and the floor was littered with books.

The stereo looks remodeled, set up with an aux chord, and a CD slot. Cup holders were filled with different nick-nacks and an old cup of coffee. The seats were soft, and with the starting of the car, a cool breeze of the air-conditioning litters over his arms and neck.

The soft click of the seat belt and the gentle roar of the engine.

“What kind of music do you listen to?” Remus has his phone open to what has to be Spotify. Sirius is momentarily taken aback by the question. It has been a long time since someone has asked him that. Everyone in his life has been there long enough to know the answer. Stupidly, Sirius isn’t exactly sure what to say.

Sirius just hums. “Tell me what genre you like, and then I might tell you.”

Remus nods his head, and mockingly hums, in the same way Sirius had a moment before. “I’d have to say anything from the 70s and 80’s.”

Sirius is shocked and a little excited, a smile spreads rapidly, “No way!” Remus jumps a little at the change in volume, then huffs a laugh, pressing the screen of his phone. Sirius feels the heat of embarrassment rush up his face, hoping Remus didn’t think he was dramatic or making fun of him.

Through the delicate speakers, the beginning notes of Life On Mars? vibrates softly. He is giddy with the idea of having someone to share his love for music with.

 There is a comfortable silence as they listen. It’s a weird feeling, to be trapped with someone you have never had a previous conversation with, it feels easy though. Maybe cause he’s friends with James, or maybe because it’s Remus.

The car starts rolling and there doesn’t feel forced to ask any questions. Halting at a stop sign, one of the books on the floor nudges him softly in the foot. His eyes travel down towards the stacks, followed by a hand.

Remus’ eyes flicker towards him and Sirius snatches his hand back, sheepishly. “Sorry.”

Remus shakes his head, amusement, once again, shining in his eyes. “No, go ahead Sirius. Look at whatever you want.” Sirius turns to face him, making sure he’s being genuine, then grabs a handful of the literature, laying them on his lap.

Delicately lifting one up, he inspects the cover then flips to the back, reading the summary. The books are worn and well used. Annotations scribbled throughout the pages. Each page holding a piece of Remus. His thoughts, ideas, his own dialogue, and predictions.

“What’s good about this one?”

Remus answers each question happily, rambling about things that made him upset and parts he loved. He dissects each character and tries to justify their flaws and bring light to their mistakes. He sees the world through a different lens than most people do.

When Remus stops speaking, Sirius realizes they have stopped driving, and were parked in a lot outside of an old diner. “I can run in and get us something to go, would that be alright?”

Sirius nods and reaches into his pocket to grab some money. Remus grabs his wrist lightly and shakes his head. “On me. Do you like burgers? Or would you like something else?”

He wasn’t feeling very hungry, but he felt bad declining the offer. “Whatever you get is fine. Oh, can I get a vanilla shake? I have some money!” He goes back to his pocket, searching for the money he keeps for emergencies.

“You can pay next time. One vanilla shake coming right up!” Remus’ laugh can be heard even after he closes the door.

Sirius reaches in his bag to check his phone. Checking to see if James had reached out.

No new notifications.

A disappointed sigh escapes form his mouth, but he finds himself unsurprised and a little content with the situation. He’s having a good time.

Remus enjoys reading, and music- especially Bowie. He annotates and builds relationships with the characters. His driving is not aggressive, and he understands that not every silence needs to be filled. And, Remus had said “next time”. Maybe, Remus is having fun too.

Holding the power button on his phone, he slides the bar the right. He doesn’t want to keep checking for texts that will never be sent.

The smell of pine has diminished, and the radio is playing lightly. Sirius would change the station, but he doesn’t want to press the wrong thing. Instead, he reached out to pick up one of the books that had caught his eye. Wake up Deliyah.

Remus had explained his love for the book, and the frustration he felt for Deliyah and her parents. Mentally, he reminded himself he would potentially like this book. To pass the time of Remus’ absence, he flipped to the first page, probably the only page without any pen marks.

At a table full of familiar faces, mine is the only I can’t recognize. The portrait in the mirror is but my own. The ripple of the water reflects a foreign figure. I don’t know who is staring back at me, though I hate the look of them.

I have never fit in here. I rip apart myself, looking for the reasons my piece cannot connect to the others, still I come up blank. The dissection of my flaws would take ages to unwind, and time is of the essence.

Time. There’s both too much and never enough. Running laps around myself, trying to catch up to my own expectations.

My family’s expectations, unreachable and testing, can never amount to the pressure I have placed upon myself.

Accomplishments never feel satisfying, the pull for validation never reached. I walk around the same place in which I grew up and ponder which point it stopped feeling like home. When the people who raised me stopped being my being my family, becoming my foes.

Childhood memories turned into cycles of haunts, and I worry I cannot outrun my destiny.

The car door opens quickly, the sound of splashes of rain hitting the concrete below. Flashes of water coming off Remus’ moving figure reach Sirius quickly. His eyes are glued to the page. No longer reading, simply digesting.

The rustling coming from the bag of food brings Sirius out of his daze, and he looks up to greet Remus. Though, his own eyes are too, trained on the book. An unreadable expression is broadcasted across his face. “Love that one.”

“I only got to the first page, though it hit me pretty hard.” He’s still studying Remus’ face, hoping for an inkling of what he’s feeling. If he’s upset that Sirius opened his book, or if the book itself hits Remus hard, too.

“It gets worse. Trust me. I’ve read it hundreds of times and the ending surprises me every time.” The book looks as though it has been read many, many times, and the different color pen marks might be from different eras of rereading.

“I have a book like that. One you can’t help but read over and over. It’s like an escape. You already know what’s going to happen and yet, you read it again.”

Remus hums in agreement and hands Sirius his vanilla milkshake. The cherry is floating of the whipped cream, the contents are placed in a white, Styrofoam cup. There’s a cool condensation dripping down the cup.

He opens the straw, ripping his top of the paper and pulling off, then sliding off the rest, plopping it into his drink. He takes a sip and glances towards Remus, who was already watching him. “What? Why are you making that face?” Sirius is laughing, though he isn’t sure why. His cheeks are pink and his face hurts from the strain.

“I just,” He lets out an exasperated sigh, “I could never drink a vanilla milkshake.” He shakes his head fast and scrunches his eyes. “No. Scratch that. Anything vanilla.” He makes a face of disgust and takes a sip from his own white cup.

“Don’t tell me you’re a strawberry fan? That is nasty.”

“Do not be ridiculous Sirius. I am, what is called, a chocolate enthusiast.” He sticks his chest out and makes a smug face.

Sirius lifts an eyebrow, keeping the eye contact with him. Remus lips twitch and his eyes starts to squint. Sirius’ own lips begin to tremble, and it becomes increasingly hard not to laugh. Remus un-squints his eyes and the minute their eyes meet, both boys are howling with laughter.

Sirius has his head thrown back, and his eyes are completely closed. He can feel the tears forming in their corners, and his hands are covering his mouth.

Remus is in no better state. He covers his hands with his face and laughs.

They laugh and laugh and laugh.

Probably, for too long.

“Don’t ever say something like that again!” Sirius chastises with a wide smile.

Remus symbolizes a promise, by crossing his fingers over his heart, in an X.

The rain is coming down harder, hitting the roof of the car forcefully.

They pass out their food, and both boys eat quickly to the music Remus started playing again. Sirius isn’t hungry, but Remus spent his own money on this food, and Sirius was going to eat it. Each bite Remus takes, Sirius takes too, until the burger is just crumbs.  

Remus crumbles the foil from his burger and tosses it in the bag, and Sirius copies him, again. He glances out the window, watches waterfalls spill down the glass frames. The sun, once providing warmth and thick air, is replaced by the moon. A small crescent dangling from the clouds, illuminating the precipitation plenishing the earth.

The beat of the music suddenly changes, and it seems like the playlist itself, is different entirely. A soft hum fills the car, and the rain gets drowned out by the sound of Video Games, by Lana Del Ray.

Sirius huffs out an amused breath from his nose and leans against the back of the seat. His chin turns towards the direction of Remus. The others eyes shift towards him, then the rest of his body angles to face each other. “Wouldn’t have taken you for a Lana Del Ray fan Mr. Lupin. Are you an enthusiast of this sort as well?”

Remus lips lift upwards and is replaced with a soft smile. “I am a man of many layers Your Majesty.”

Sirius just hums in return. “Yes, I’ve gathered.”

Neither boy keeps track of how long they sit there, listening to the selected playlist, but Sirius is content, and mentally exhausted, or at least that’s what he will say when he opens his eyes and his parked outside his front door.

“Remus… How long have we been here?” His voice is groggy and cracks just barely.

“Not too long. But I figured I should get you home if you’re tired.” He smiles for the hundredth time that night.

“Thank you for not letting me spend my Friday night alone, Remus. Best Friday I’ve had in a while, actually.” He hopes his voice sounds as sincere as he feels.

“You can plan next time. Oh!” he adds the afterthought, “Take the book. Finish it and let me know what you think! It’s great.”

Sirius is overwhelmed by his stroke of luck today. He dreads the mentality, what goes up, must come down. Can’t this just last a little longer?

“Thank you, Remus. I’ll take good care of it.” He brings the same to fingers Remus did earlier and crosses his heart.

The click of the door unlocking signifies the beginning of the end. Sirius is disappointed and simultaneously excited for potential future drives.

“Goodnight, Sirius. I’ll see you soon.”

The walk up to the front door is melancholy and drenching. He grabs the keys from his bag and quickly pops open the door, waving one last time to Remus, before stepping full inside.

There’s an extra pep in his step as he skips over to his room. He plans to continue reading his book, and maybe finish it.

Closing the bedroom door, he flings his bag onto the floor and plops on his bed. He sighs, a big, dramatic, happy sigh.

He lifts the book into view and flips back to the first page, ready to get started. Falling out of the book and onto his bed is a folded gum wrapper.

Sirius, I would love to hear your thoughts on the book. Text me whenever you need a ride home or a music buddy. – Remus.

Chapter Text

Sirius jumps awake to the absence of sound. There was no distance ringing of an alarm, or the patter of rushed footsteps. The house was silent.

A beam of light escapes through the sliver in the curtains- through it, particles of dust dance in its reflection. Sirius rolls on to his back, contorting his body in way that seems almost cat-like, stretching out his arms.

He sits up slowly, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

The gum wrapper sits crumpled on the nightstand next to the book Remus had let him borrow. The book itself was fragile, even more so after understanding how much it meant to Remus.

Remus. Re-mus.

Sirius, I would love to hear your thoughts on the book. Text me whenever you need a ride home or a music buddy. – Remus.

His number is scribbled on the bottom of the note, and Sirius has the urge to put it into his phone.

An ever-demanding voice in the back of his mind pesters him with false reality.

Remus doesn’t want to hang out with you, idiot. You were abandoned and he is a nice guy. He pitied you, Sirius.

Abandoned. Sirius hasn’t spoken to Regulus or James since last night and he didn’t bother stopping by Regulus’ room last night. Another part of Sirius felt silly. Who was he to act this way? He doesn’t own either of them, and they are perfectly capable of making their own decisions. They are not abandoning him.

Then why does he feel so alone?

Being alone never bothered Sirius. Maybe, before this year, he had never really been alone. His parents, who express their anger in inexcusable ways, have never been a constant in Sirius’ life. They don’t treat Reg great either, but Sirius always gets the brunt of it. Regulus himself, has never taken much of a liking to Sirius- always making excuses to leave, or distance from him.

In reality, the only constant he’s ever had was James. That was his. His escape. His brother.

Not anymore. Now its Theirs. Their friend James. Their escape. Their ride to school.

It seems to be more Regulus’ than Sirius now. He will need to learn to live with it.

9:32 AM’ broadcasts at the top of his phone screen, followed by a few dozen texts from James- starting at eleven last night, to eight this morning.

prongsie poo: pads we r home

you aren’t in ur room

did you walk home?

siri plz call me

1:27

prongsie poo: sirius this isn’t funny

we invited you out with us.

3:13

prongsie poo: reggie said he heard u walk in.

goodnight.

8:11

prongsie poo: im on my way over.

12 missed calls from prongsie poo

Sirius exhales sharply through his nose, then- begrudgingly, makes his way out of the door, down the stairs, then walked across the house, into the foyer.

The hushed conversation comes to a quick halt. Both sets of eyes snap up to take in his presence, and Sirius presses up onto the ball of the feet. He suddenly feels like the odd one out again, and Sirius wishes he could be angry.

Alas, he’s not angry, just confused.

James stands up and his eyebrows are pinched together, seemingly in frustration. Sirius almost visibly cowers, as if he did something wrong and should feel guilty.

“We were worried sick, dude. Where were you?”

Sirius almost tells James about Remus. How Remus didn’t think twice before taking someone he barely knew home. Remus making sure Sirius didn’t walk in the rain. How he didn’t judge him and took him out to eat. He almost told James how he ate a full meal for the first time in weeks- then he decides against it. “I went out with Marlene, James.” He barely stumbles over his words as the lie flies out of his mouth.

James scoffs and glances over at Regulus. “We called Marlene. And Lily. Oh! We even called your skating partner, and no one had seen you. So? Where were you?”

The accusation plastered on James and Regulus’ face makes Sirius want to scream. The emotion rushes up his neck and into his throat. Sirius can’t pinpoint exactly what he’s feeling- disappointed in himself? Frustrated with them? “I walked around for a while and my phone died. I didn’t want to come home yet. Any other questions?”

Sirius turns around before they can say anything else and rushes up the stairs. Adrenaline courses through him and he feels a little light-headed. He doesn’t stop moving when he enters his room. He throws off his pajama bottoms and replaces them with black carpenter pants. In the same movement, he reaches for his phone and the gum wrapper.

He rings his hands out, shaking them and then cracking his knuckles one by one.

All the while, the phone rings on the nightstand.

One ring

Two rings

Three rings

“Hello?” A deeper, perhaps sleepier version of the boy from the car answers.

“H-Hey. It’s Sirius. Um, from yesterday. You gave me a ride home and-.”

Remus’ chuckle cuts him off, and Sirius still has too much energy to be embarrassed. “Yes. Hello, Sirius. I know who you are.” He could hear the smile from the other side of the phone, and finally Sirius realizes he might have woken Remus up.

“Oh shit. I’m- Did I wake you up? I didn’t even think about how early it is.”

“No, no I’m awake. What’s up Sirius? Do you need something?” Remus’ voice is calm, and more awake.

“I was wondering… Do you- Can I pay for your breakfast?”

There is a brief moment of silence. “…Can you… pay for my breakfast?”

Sirius laughs lightly and brings a hand to run through his hair. “I mean, um, can we go get breakfast? I don’t want to be home right now and- I mean if your busy I can find something else to do but, I did promise to pay next time so, ya know, free breakfast. And I am not picky so you can decide where we eat. Oh! And if you’re not hungry we can go do something else!” He takes a deep breath, cutting himself off, and feels a bit like foolish.

Remus just laughs again, paying no mind to Sirius’ incessant rambling. “I’ll come pick you up. On the condition that you pick where we eat.”

Sirius hesitantly nods, then blinks hard, remembering Remus can’t see him. “Oh. Sure, I’ll think of something. Do you need my address?”

“I dropped you off last night, Sirius. I’ll be there in fifteen.” Then, he hangs up, and Sirius is a bit shocked at himself. He also wonders if Remus’ abrupt hang up is because he didn’t really want to come.

Instead of spiraling, Sirius picks up Wake up Deliyah, and flips to where he left off last night.

There was a chill in the air. The once soft leaves now turned molten. The town, as we knew it, was replaced with a shell of what it once was.

There has never been such a feeling of invisibility. Eyes scan my frame as if they were looking through it.

Scribbled in the margins, in red pen, was an annotation in Remus’ script. The foreshadowing is intense :/

Sirius can only imagine this was one of Remus’ rereads, and he’s choosing not to think too hard about the meaning.

There’s an itch in my body, begging it to take the movement of which it flows. Now, more than ever, I am alone. The only person that has my back is thus of my own shadow, and not even the sun will shine to reflect her.

A page is about as far as his mind will let him wander before he starts scanning the page, taking in no words, and the nerves start to set in.

Sirius gets up to stand in front of the mirror, before yanking his shirt off and opening his closet. Hanging on the wall, is a plain white tee shirt, and Sirius briefly registers the simplicity of his choices.

He dissects his appearance again, wondering if his face looks swollen, or his clothes look boring. Has my neck always been that long?

Sirius considers changing his clothes again when his text tone goes off.

Unknown number: i am out front

It’s funny, Sirius thinks, how quickly things change. Change is inevitable but it’s presence is unwelcomed. He has always hated how quickly things can go from good to bad. Maybe, this change, will be good. Maybe, Sirius can have a real friend. A friend that’s just his.

Or, maybe he’s crazy.

Sirius doesn’t bother telling his brothers he’s leaving. Instead, he avoids their location entirely, heading straight to the front door. Still, he closes it quietly, hoping no one will hear him leave.

The air immediately nips at his face and arms, and his brisk walk turns into a jog to Remus’ car. The chill of the handle reaches his fingertips, and he yanks it open, hastily trying to escape the cold.

“Sirius, you idiot, where is your jacket?” There’s a smile hanging from Remus’ lips, and Remus moves to turn up the heat.

“I didn’t even think about it. Could not be in there any longer. I’m sorry.” Sirius brings his hands to rub up and down his exposed arms.

Remus hums, then reaches into his backseat. Following his hand, is a grey jumper, littered with loose threads. “It’ll do, put this on”

He sits forward to slide the sweater on and is immediately engulfed in warmth. There’s a slight smell, which must be Remus’, and the collar of the shirt sits loosely on Sirius’ collar bones. “Thank you, Remus.”

Crocodile Rock was lightly playing in the background, and the pine smell was back. Remus put the car out of park and began to drive down the road. “Did you pick a place to eat?”

“I’m not really allowed to eat out, so I have no idea, I’m sorry.”

Remus’ mouth drops open. “Not allowed to eat out? Have you ever had McDonald's?”

Sirius laughs at the absurdity. “A what? Is that a joke?”

Remus shakes his head aggressively. “Nope, be quiet. Your talking privileges are revoked until you try it.”

Sirius brings two fingers to his forehead, saluting Remus, and moves his hand to turn up the music.

“Okay. Make yourself at home passenger princess.” Remus says under his breath.

Sirius nudges Remus’ shoulder slightly, and jokingly sneers at him. Remus laughs and looks a little surprised.

Remus’ fingers tap on the steering wheel in rhythm with the music, and when the song is over, Love Lost by Mac Miller starts to play. “Diverse playlist you have here.”

Remus holds up a finger. “Ah-Ah, no talking.”

Sirius huffs and pushes Remus’ finger away. The song is a drastic change to the upbeat song playing before. It’s not soft, but the lyrics aren’t exactly happy either.

“The car crash happened last chapter.”

Remus looks as though he wants to shush him again, but recognition takes him by surprise. “That was fast. What do you think?”

“It’s certainly an old book, but the way it’s written really makes you think. It’s also hard to ignore your annotations, and not wonder what they mean.”

Remus hums. “Well, I never imagined anyone would read my copy, but I imagine it would be hard to look past.” He laughs lightly, then shakes his head. “Back to silence, we are almost there.”

By almost there, Remus means literally pulling up. A bright red M greats Sirius, and he realizes now they are eating at McDonalds. Sirius unclicks his seatbelt as Remus parks, and Remus holds out a hand to stop him.

He pushes open his car door, runs around the car to Sirius’ side.

“After you, princess.” Remus is trying to push down a laugh, and Sirius rolls his eyes.

“Oh, fuck off.”

Sirius clings to the sweater as they walk towards the door of the McDonalds, and Remus trails in front of him. It's even colder inside than it was outside - if that's even possible. It was unnecessarily colored with reds and yellows, highlighted by the luminescent lighting. The diverse selection of people jarred Sirius a bit. Man, how sheltered he was.

“Go sit down, I am ordering for you. Do you want a coffee?”

“Orange juice, please” Sirius smiles as Remus walks away, and goes to sit at a booth. The seats have holes in them, the paint slightly peeling. Color glass panes are blocking the register and he can’t see Remus from here.

Sirius peeks over the booth, to make sure Remus hasn’t left. Then he does it again. And Remus is still there, dressed in brown baggy pants and a dark blue sweater, adjacent to the one Sirius is wearing now.

Remus walks back over with a place holder, and Sirius’ orange juice, then sits across from Sirius at the booth. “You’re going to love it. It’s like a pancake, with syrup inside it, and an egg. Sounds gross but it works.”

It sounds unappetizing Sirius thinks, but he’s willing to try it, and will probably eat the whole thing to please Remus. “Oh shit! Remus, it was my turn to pay.”

Remus laughs and shakes his head. “Was hoping you’d forget.”  

He feels guilty again. Like he let Remus down. He considers how dramatic he must sound. If anyone heard his internal dialogue, they would think he’s insane.

“Thank you, Remus. I’m sorry.”

“You say sorry a lot. You don’t need to do that.”

Someone speaks next, but it’s neither of the boys at the table- “Order 26.” Sirius looks at the table marker, then up at Remus. “That’s us. Do we go up there and get it?”

“I will get it. You sit tight, princess.”

Remus laughs at his own joke, and Sirius watches him walk up to the counter. His confidence is admirable, as he heads straight up to the worker holding his tray of food. Remus’ head angles downwards, as a quick thanks, and then he goes for the napkins, grabbing a handful, and then back to the table.

“Okay, trust me, just trust me. It’s great.”

Remus’ large hands reach onto the tray, handing him the orange juice, and a wrapped sandwich. The paper crinkles as it’s placed in front of him, and the smell of the food is unappetizing. Sirius could not be less hungry, and if Sirius had paid, he wouldn’t feel so bad about not eating it.

So, Sirius sits up, and copies Remus as he unwraps his meal.

The top of the sandwich is certainly pancake-looking, the egg is a perfect square, and the sausage is a circle, it’s a little unsettling.

He brings it up to his mouth anyways, and when Remus opens his mouth to take a bite, Sirius follows suite, sinking his teeth into the thick, meaty, sandwich.

There’s a lot of things happening at once. The syrup is sweet but not overbearing, and the egg doesn’t taste as bad as it looks. The flavors together are slightly unsettling, but it’s easy to swallow. But it's good. He lifts his eyes up to Remus, to see him already looking back at him, expectingly.

“Oh my God.”

“Right? Knew you’d love it.”

Remus looks proud of himself, and takes bite after bite of his food, crumpling his wrapper and putting it on the tray. Sirius takes a little longer to take each bite, as he encourages himself to keep eating. He’s afraid Remus will watch him eat, or get annoyed on how long he’s taking, but instead, Remus just talks.

About a lot of things, like how much he loves Fall, the way the weather changes so quickly, but also never fast enough. How Remus hates summer the most and winter the best. How his mother finally stops nagging about his sweaters, now that it’s the right weather to wear them.

He explains how his team has the weekend off, and he can finally take a break and spend time with his mom when she gets off of work.

Sirius finally takes his last bite and takes a big sip of his drink, he feels a bit proud of himself, mentally giving himself a big pat on the back. He also crumples up his paper, and places it on the tray.

Remus smiles at him then stands up and grabs the tray- but Sirius jumps up and rips it out of his hands, running to the garbage can.

Remus laughs loudly and trails behind him.

They run from the cold when they get out the door, laughing and pushing each other to see who can get their first, the lights of the car flash when Remus clicks the keys.  

They quickly turn on the heat when they get in the car, and Sirius pulls the sweater around him again. “You have practice today, right? What time?”

Briefly, he wonders how Remus could have known that. “Not till six. Why?”

“I have another idea. You trust me?”

“Starting to.”

Chapter Text

Sirius is trying something new. He’s trying to “live in the moment- rather than calculate every effect his actions will create. Which is why, when Remus, had offered to take him on an adventure, Sirius hadn’t immediately spiraled. When Remus said he had another idea, he never could have imagined that he’d bring him here.

Retro-Active was the name of the store- not just any store. It was a thrift store. Sirius had only been to a thrift store once, and it was to donate old skate equipment for a young skater who might need it. He had told his parents he sold them- but Sirius didn’t want the money.

Remus looked utterly thrilled to have brought Sirius here, and the energy was contagious. “The guys on the team would never like something like this. But my friend Mary showed me this place- and I think you’ll love it as much as I do.”

“I have never shopped at a thrift store before.”

“Posh boy’s never been to a thrift store? Shocker!”

Sirius pushes his arm. “I am not posh, Remus.”

“Okay, princess. Whatever you say.”

“Stop calling me princess.”

Remus doesn’t respond. He opens his car door, and stands in front of it, waiting for Sirius to join. “Trust me, you’re going to love this place. Everything is like, ancient.”

“The only thing old I like is music.”

“Just wait,” Remus's face is as stoic as ever, but you can feel his excitement and Sirius finds it very endearing “you’re going to love it in here."

And love it Sirius did- the shop was dimly lit with fluorescents, and it smelled like pumpkin candles. Racks of clothing were scattered all around the store- not by gender, but by size. In fact, none of the store was separated by masculine or feminine- male or female, it was just clothes. More clothes than Sirius had ever seen. On the other side of the store, were different music accessories- vinyl’s’, records, mixtape’s, CD’s, stickers, and old books.

“So? Whada’ya think?”

“Remus, it’s- I’ve never seen anything like this before.”

New experiences are usually uncomfortable for Sirius. He likes the same routine, the same places, with the same people. There’s a comfort in knowing exactly how things are going to go- and that’s how he had liked to live. Now, he’s not so sure. Trying these new things are surprisingly exciting, and he finds it to not be as bad as he originally anticipated. Still, he wishes he had been a little more prepared to come to a place like this- he wonders what he looks like compared to the other people who work here. He imagines not great.

Remus is pulling on his arm towards the clothes- of course towards the donated woven sweaters. They are full of color and come in a variety of designs. Some have sewed elbow patches and loose threads- making them look valued.

“Look at this one.” Remus holds up a navy sweater with snowflakes parading down the front.

“Oh, very nice.”

“I’ll take that as a no then.”

“Well, it’s great but, look at this shirt. This is so you.” Sirius holds up a dry-fit shirt covered with the pasted image of a wolf staring directly at the camera. He tries and fails to hold in his laughter. His lips quiver as he forces them to stay in a straight line.

Remus stares deadpan at the shirt, then his face starts to mimic Sirius’ own. “Oh, you’re funny, are you?” Sirius's smile breaks throughout his face.

“I’d like to think so, Remus.”

Remus laughs as well, forcing Sirius to put the shirt back on the shelf. He doesn’t really know what he’s doing. Most of his clothes are old things of James’- or occasionally when the Potter’s get him a gift, which they do quite often. He’s never been given the opportunity to look for his own clothes, not that he’s ever minded. He’s never really thought about it.

“Ooh, look-this is literally you.” Sirius turns around from his current task of sorting through the hangers, to look at the item Remus picked out. It was just as weird as the one Sirius had picked out previously- except this one was covered in galaxy print, with a quote “out of this world.”

“Oh my god, thank you, Remus! I love it.”

They pick through the clothes in silence, momentarily holding up random articles to show each other. The silence isn't uncomfortable at all, it’s actually the calmest he has felt in a while. He recognizes again that he doesn’t have to be entertaining every second he’s around Remus. They can just enjoy each others company.

“Sirius look at this- it’s actually perfect for you.”

Sirius has his back turned to him and in his mind, he anticipates some random, unwanted shirt.

Remus is holding up a black jacket. It’s leather and it has little patches sewed into it; a star. The jacket shows obvious proof of wear. The leather had faded to grey in some places and some of the material has permanent folds on it. Sirius has never seen anything like it- and has also never considered that he could wear something so immensely out of his comfort zone. “Are you kidding? That jacket is just- I could never pull something like that off.”

Remus just scoffs and shakes his head. “You aren’t seeing the vision Sirius. Your black hair and eyeliner with this jacket. You’d look crazy good.”

“Erm- I don’t think so Remus.”

“Alright, just at least try it on. Then you can decide.”

Sirius agrees, and they walk towards the back to changing rooms.The dressing rooms are small, but he stepps into the small room. Remus leaves the curtain open, and Sirius takes off the sweater he had let him borrow in the car. He misses the warmth once it’s gone.

Sirius’ white tee shirt is slightly wrinkled, and he brings a hand to smooth it out. Remus holds his hand out, shaking the jacket in front of him. “Alright, alright. I’ll put it on. But don’t make fun of me if I look dumb.” Remus crosses his heart.

Sirius shrugs his arm through each sleeve, pulling front to sit more comfortable around his shoulders. He turns back around to face this mirror and a small smile fits his face. “Wow I-.”

“Sirius, you look-. You have to get that.” Remus's face is blank but his eyes are traveling up and down the jacket.

“Are you sure I don’t look stupid?”

“That word doesn’t exactly come to mind. It’s probably the last word that comes to mind.”

Sirius feels bashful and he looks down at shoes. “Okay. Yeah. I’ll get it.”

Remus smiles, maybe proudly, clapping Sirius on his back and leading him out the changing room. Remus spends some time sorting through the books, reading the first page, then putting it down. When Remus is done, he grabs his arm and pulls him to the front of the store. Sirius fights his smile the whole way to the cashier. His hands grip the jacket tightly- afraid that if he loosens them, it will disappear. Remus is holding a few sweaters he had found along with a vintage pair of Levi’s. Remus puts his stuff on the counter, greeting the lady behind the desk.

“I love this jacket. It was donated a few months back. It’ll be perfect for you.” She looks directly at Sirius as she speaks, and he feels his neck heat up.

“That’s exactly what I said.” Remus smiles down at him and goes to pull his wallet from his back pocket. Finally, Sirius was quicker. He pulled his card from the back of his phone and handed it to the lady. Remus goes to protest but it was for not- the chime rang signifying the order went through.

“Ha. Finally.”

“Thank you, Sirius. You didn’t have to pay for mine though.”

“Wanted to.”

The lady hands them their receipt and they walk back towards the car together. Sirius puts the jacket back on and feels better than he has in so long. The jacket was big- but not too big. It fit perfectly and looked even better with his white shirt and black pants.

“Hey, um, thank you for driving me around today. I needed to, uh, leave the house.”

Remus smiles warmly and it makes Sirius feel hot. “Wasn’t an entirely selfish act. I like hanging out with you. Maybe you, me and James can do something after a game sometime?”

Sirius gets an itch of annoyance; if James knows him and Remus are friends then Regulus will meet him, and so will the rest of his friend group. He likes that this is finally his. “Yeah, maybe. Me and James aren’t really on good terms right now. Could you just, not bring me up around him?”

Remus looks confused. “Yeah, sure… Ooh, like a secret?” He nudges Sirius in the shoulder.

“Not a secret, just private.”

He doesn’t press Sirius for more answers about him and James, in fact he changes the conversation entirely. He feels sick the whole way home. He doesn’t want to see his parents or his brothers, and he doesn’t want to leave Remus, weirdly.

Remus pulls up to his house slowly and puts the car in park. “We’ll hangout soon, I promise.”

“Yeah, good. Thanks again, Remus. It means a lot.”

Remus laughs again and clicks the door to unlock the car. “Anytime, thanks for calling me.”

“Bye, Remus.”

“Goodbye, princess.”

“Oh, shut up.” Sirius smiles as he opens the door, he turns to look at Remus one more time before he closes it and heads back towards his house. He hears Remus’ engine start up as he steps into the doorframe, and he turns around to watch him leave. Sirius hears noises in the kitchen and immediately takes his jacket off and shoves it in his skating duffle bag by the door. If his family saw him in something like that, they would cut it to shreds.

Sirius begrudgingly enters the kitchen. “Good morning, mother.”

His mother looks to be in one of her better moods- she acknowledges Sirius’ presence and actually turns to look at him. “Sirius.” She nods at him. “Where did you head off to today?”

“Went on a walk ma’am. Just got back.”

“A walk? Why would you do that?”

Sirius has lied enough times to his mother to know exactly what she needs to hear. “My legs have been sore from practice. I went on a walk to stretch them out before tonight’s rehearsal.”

Sirius’ mother turns her nose up, and blinks just once. “Nice to see you can use that head of yours. Speaking of; your father is bringing some of his connections to your recital next month, I need it to be perfect. Anything less would be humiliating. These people can open big doors for you. Which is why I will be coming to your rehearsal today.”

He’s suddenly less excited about his showcase. “Yes ma’am.”

“Make yourself busy, I have enough going on down here.”

Sirius nods and is grateful to leave her. He was glad she is in a good mood. Good enough to engage but not insult. He quite likes his mother when she’s like this. She doesn’t know about James and Regulus, but she does know that James and Sirius are friends, have been since third grade. Sirius can only assume James left long before his mother got home.

He doesn’t want to talk to anyone right now, so he just pulls out his book.

-

Sirius gets ready forty minutes before he needs to leave. He’s smiling as he stretches on his bedroom floor, playing a calm playlist he made ages ago. Even though his mother was now staying for the practice, nothing could ruin the effortless sensation Sirius gets from skating. Not even his mother.

Which is why Sirius skipped down the stairs with glee, even smiling at his mother and brother as she grabs her keys. No one speaks when they enter her car. It’s been so long since Sirius had last been in here- it is barely used; still filled with that new car smell. Walburga doesn’t turn on any music or turn on the air- simply cracks the windows and starts the engine.

His mother doesn’t approve of headphones or books in her presence, she considers it disrespectful to be distracted- that is unless it’s a schoolbook assigned by their tutors. It makes no sense to Sirius; his mother loves the quiet. Still, he doesn’t have enough energy to fight her anymore.

They pull up to the rink the school uses for the hockey team, and beginning five years ago, the figure skaters. The school also received a generous donation from an anonymous donor to hire a new coach for the skaters- not just using the hockey coach. No one revealed who the money came from, but Sirius had an idea.

Regulus had been quiet in the car as well, hadn’t even greeted Sirius when he came down the stairs. Not that he usually does anyways. It’s fine though, Sirius didn’t have anything to say either. They all exit the car together, walking silently like a group of strangers. They are, really, if you think about it. And think about it Sirius does.

Sirius holds the door open for his mother and brother, letting them walk in. Of course, neither acknowledge it, but Regulus at least nods. Sirius’ rehearsal starts in just three minutes, and Regulus’ an hour after his. So, he heads off to the locker room first, lacing up his skates and putting on the thin-laced skirt that sits only around his back- a gift from Monty, James’ dad.

Today, Sirius had chosen black tights with a matching tight long-sleeve leotard. Both articles were bought by his mother and made for boys, and he knew she’d approve. They contrasted nicely to his white skates and grey leg warmers.

Alice- Sirius’ new dance partner, was here to perform with him for the showcase. This was their first time practicing it together. Her hair was shorter than Sirius’ and she was effortlessly beautiful. Her hair stuck up at the sides and her eyes were big. She had baby-pink tights and a white leotard with bedazzled skates. She was perfect personified.

When she greets him, she’s all smiles and warm questions. Just a simple “Hi Sirius.” And “I’m so happy to skate with you, Sirius.” And he greets her similarly.

That bubbly personality of hers cuts when she steps onto the ice with him. They both immediately transform into other people- the people they want to be. Coach Cassidy had given them their instructions, and walked them through the steps of the routine, they both had practiced with other partners, but were deemed the best at the blocking.

Sirius couldn’t rehash the rehearsal if he tried. His mind goes blank the minute the music starts. Sirius as a whole thinks. Thinks about everything, then thinks about it again. He doesn’t need to here. His body lets his mind rest, and he is grateful for it.

“Sloppy.” Sirius’ head snaps up at the roaring voice of his mother. He stares in shock, missing the next step entirely. Cassidy stops the music, and Walburga is staring displeased. “And take off the frilly skirt, will you? Skating isn’t the most masculine sport, but you do not have to look like a sissy.”

Sirius’ face is full of heat. He skates towards Cassidy and unties the skirt from around his waist. Coach just smiles sadly at him, restarting the music. Alice looks angry, but Sirius shoots her an uneasy smile, and replaces his hands on her waist.

And the music starts again. His mother can’t ruin this for him, but she can try.

When rehearsal is over, Sirius’ mother meets him at the exit of the rink. She grabs his arm and moves to speak into his ear, “That is not what I am paying good money for. That mockery of the fine sport of figure skating is disgraceful. Your father and I spend our hard-earned money to help you excel. This was not excelling. Thiswas disappointing.” She hisses in his ear, and Sirius thinks she must be right.

“Yes ma’am. I will not perform that way again.” She lets go of his arm with force, almost making Sirius stumble on his skates. Regulus was standing behind his mother, only revealed when she had walked away.

“James is waiting for you outside.” Regulus’ face reveals nothing, and his hands are folded behind his back.

“Wh-what? Why?”

“He needs to talk to you.” Regulus tries to maintain eye contact, but Sirius’ graze is down casted to the floor. Sirius can’t possibly think of what James would need to talk about. Unless, he was upset with Sirius, which has never really happened.

“Am I in trouble? Don’t you want me to watch you practice?”

Regulus takes a step closer. “You’re not in trouble, Sirius. And please, mother’s a tough enough critic, I think I will manage.”

“Okay, sorry. I guess I’ll just… find James.” Regulus doesn’t say goodbye, just turns around to the locker room. As Sirius walks to James’ car, he thinks. He’s confused, definitely, but more so frustrated. James and his brother are talking about him while he’s not around. That bothers him. It makes him shake.

James’s car is parked right out front the double doors. There’s music echoing from the bass and James’ figure can be seen from the tinted windows. Sirius goes straight to the passenger door, opening it and quickly jumping in. James doesn’t speak right away, just lets them both sit.

“It’s been a while since you’ve sat there.” James is staring straight ahead out the windshield.

Sirius laughs, but it comes out as a scoff. “Yeah. I know.”

James brings his hand to rub at his face, letting out another deep sigh. “Look, Siri, we gotta talk.”

“Alright… ‘bout what.”

He physically turns in his seat to look at Sirius, and he stares straight into his eyes. “What’s going on, Sirius?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean what is wrong with you?”

Sirius flinches, hard. “Nothing is wrong with me. What are you talking about?”

“I feel like I don’t know who you are anymore. You’re sitting here, in my car, and I am looking at the guy who’s supposed to be my brother, and I don’t even recognize him.” His voice is hard and so are his eyes.

“Yeah? And who’s fault is that?”

“Don’t give me that shit, Sirius. You know exactly what you’ve been doing. You haven’t had a full conversation with me in months, my parents are worried sick. You haven’t called them or returned any of their texts. You haven’t stopped by the house in months.”

“I’ve wanted to be alone.”

“Yeah, well congratulations! You’re alone. Are you happy?” James is on the verge of yelling, and Sirius is still barely above a whisper.

“I’ve been alone for months, James.”

“On your own accord! I have done nothing but try to be there for you. Stop throwing a fucking pity party and get your shit together.” Sirius’ hands are shaking.

“Oh, fuck you, James.” Sirius had never talked to him like that. James usually sets Sirius straight, and usually Sirius will sit there and take it- but not today. Sirius has been boiling with emotion for weeks, and it’s finally spilling over, burning those in his wake. “Not everything is about you or about Regulus. It’s about me. Stop acting like I’m turning everyone’s life upside down.” Sirius feels light headed.

James is staring wide-eyed, seemingly much more upset. “Not turning everyone’s life upside down? You left after the game last week and didn’t come home till twelve in the morning. Me and Reggie called every friend we had, and you were nowhere! We even called Sydney, your old skating partner, and she had no idea either. Your actions have consequences!”

“James I am seventeen years old. I can go out and do things without you. You are not my parents.” Sirius’ head Is pounding and his heart is racing.   

“Sirius, your parents don’t give a shit about you! Or Regulus!”

“I was talking about Monty and Effie. But thanks, James, really.” Sirius’ throat was tight, and he thought for a minute he might actually cry; but he doesn’t. his mouth is dry.

Suddenly, Sirius can’t catch his breath at all. He squeezes his eyes closed, a tries so desperately hard to take a breath, but he can’t. Nothing will come in or out. He feels like he’s choking. James is speaking to him; he sounds in a panic. James’s voice is distorted and sounds distant.

Internally, Sirius is panicking- he doesn’t know what’s going on- why his body isn’t functioning. The more he thinks about it, the less he can focus. His hands go to his hair, pulling hard. James is still talking, trying to calm Sirius down, but it’s no use. Sirius leans back in in his car chair, continuously trying to take a breath.

All James could do was wrap him in his arms and apologize.

Chapter Text

The aftermath of Sirius’ breakdown was more dramatic than the breakdown itself.

Seeing Sirius break down made James cry. James was crying and hugging him. They were closer than they had been in a long time- literally. Sirius hadn’t cried. He didn’t cry during or after. In fact, after, he was completely numb.

He thought he had been numb before. He thought he had been completely unaffected by life. That he was untouchable. The harsh, harsh truth of it was, he never let himself feel. To feel was to acknowledge that there is a problem. And there is no problem.

Sirius had nothing to be upset about, really. His mind was convincing him that he was some poor lamb; defenseless. He wasn’t. Sirius Black was anything but defenseless. He has continuously stayed true to himself, no matter what was thrown at him. He is an openly gay to his friends. He wears what he wants, and he does his makeup as he likes. Sirius doesn’t throw fits, and he has good friends. Sirius is not defenseless.

Even if there’s a few bumps that he has to over-come, that doesn’t make him weak. It makes him strong. Sirius can get past this. He will. He’s got to.

Sirius hadn’t been over at James’ house in weeks. The Potter’s had made him a bedroom of his own years back, and it was a place that was truly his own. There are posters on the walls, and curtains that let the sun flow through. It really was home.

Home isn’t the house itself. The room, as beautiful as it is, has nothing on the loving family residing here. You don’t wake up to silence and are expected to take care of yourself. Here, you wake up to laughter, to music. When you walk downstairs, there’s a mother and father in the kitchen, cooking and singing, watching television and trading jokes. Here you get taken care of; you get fed and loved. Hugs and smiles. You get asked about your day and your response is followed by questions.

People care, here.

When Sirius wakes that morning, the love was practically radiating off the walls. He doesn’t bother checking his phone; he just wraps the quilt from the bed around his shoulders and makes his way towards the open door. Across the hall, directly facing him, is James’ room. He knows he’s in there and he knows they are bound to talk. Sirius isn’t worried about the talk. He really has nothing to say, so it will just be him listening.

He knocks on the door, placing his best smile on his face. The music softly playing through the bottom of James’ door gets even quitter. Sirius can hear James heading towards the door, and he pulls the quilt tighter around his shoulders.  James looks wide awake when he opens the door, and he clocks his head to the side; the look on his face is one of pity.

“Ah, relax Jamie boy, I’m alright.” Sirius pushes past him playfully and jumps onto his bed. James closes the door softly behind them and comes to sit opposite of Sirius.

“Look, Sirius, I just need to-.”

“Seriously, James. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

James lips quirk, just slightly, at the Sirius Joke, but it’s replaced quickly as he exhales in frustration. “Sirius, I apologize for how I handled things last night, okay? I was out of line, and it wasn’t fair of me. You’re my best friend and we need to figure out a way to fix this.”

Sirius rubs his temples, regretting knocking on James’ door. “James, there’s nothing to fix. This is how things are now.”

“You don’t mean that.” James’ voice isn’t as strong as it once was, and he looks crestfallen. “You can’t- you can’t be doing this because of me and Reggie.”

“James-.”

He cuts him off quickly, seemingly conflicted. “You cannot ask me to choose between you and Regulus.”

“That’s not what I am doing.”

James stands up from the bed and walks towards the wall. “It’s either you or Regulus. You can’t make me choose between you.”

“James I am not-.”

“You are! That’s exactly what you’re doing!” James turns away from the wall and walks back towards Sirius. “Just because I fell for your brother, you decided our eleven years of friendship means nothing. How does that work?”

“James.” Sirius’s voice is clipped and sharp, he hardly recognizes it. “I never made you choose! I will never make you choose. I have never said anything about you and Regulus; considering you lied about your relationship for months and lied to me to go sneak off with him.”

“You know it wasn’t like that, Sirius.”

“Yeah, maybe. But just because I didn’t make you choose; doesn’t mean I didn’t make my own choice.”

James takes a step away from Sirius, and for a moment, he considers James might be more dramatic than Sirius, in this moment “What do you mean by that, Sirius?”

Sirius rubs his hand over his face. “I mean that I have decided, for my own sake, to create some space between us. And honestly, I stand by that choice.”

“So, what? If you can’t have me for yourself, you don’t want me at all?” James doesn’t look angry, just sad.

“Not everything is so black and white, James. For a minute, can you try to think about what I am feeling? How I might be hurting? This- this isn’t all about you. Or Regulus, for that matter.”

James sighs and sits carefully next to Sirius on the bed, tucking his foot under his right leg. His eyes are watering, and he is not meeting Sirius’ eyes. “Would- would you change your mind if- if Regulus and I were to, I don’t know, end things? Cause I would, and he would too, if it could fix things between you and I, and you and him.”

Sirius, still incredibly numb, tries to soothe James by grabbing his hands. “It wouldn’t, James. It won’t always be like this. I just need some time. You’re still my best friend. And we will always be brothers. I think I need some... self-discovery, right now. Okay?”

James grips Sirius’ hand and nods his head. “He’ll never replace you, ya know? And I’ll never replace you for him. We all play different parts in each other’s lives, and it’s just a little complicated right now. But we’ll be okay. We will.”

“Yeah. ‘Course we will, Jamie.”

They sat there in silence for a while. Just thinking and processing. Space, to James and Sirius, is different then maybe most people have with their friends. They are so used to being attached at this hip. Where Sirius went, James followed. Now, they were going to experience things on their own. Figure out who Sirius is, when he’s not with James. Figure out what James needs, when he’s not linked to Sirius.

Eventually James and Sirius hug and make their way into their own rooms, each a bit mentally exhausted from their conversation. James had informed him he missed breakfast, but lunch will be done soon enough, and they agreed to eat together.

Sirius closes his door softly, and collapses down on his bed, face first. He wishes, he wishes he could feel something. Sadness, anger, disappointment; anything. He lifts his head to look for his Potter House copy of The Perks of being a Wallflower, but instead, he notices that James must have plugged his phone in when Sirius fell asleep.

He takes it off the charger, opening his phone to one singular notification.

Unknown: Hey! How was practice?

Sirius scrolls up to the previous messages. It’s Remus. He smiles.

Sirius: hey :)

Sirius: wasn’t my best

Remus: Ah. Well, you know what they say.

Sirius: tell me… what do they say?

Remus: probably something about expectation vs perfection

Remus: something like that

Sirius: ah yes. believe ive heard that one.

Remus: I bet. Very popular quote.

Sirius is smiling. Sirius didn’t smile yesterday; and even if he did, it wasn’t like this. Sirius likes talking to Remus. He’s not a replacement for James, he’s different.

Remus: Oh btw, are you coming to the game tomorrow?

Sirius: oh god. there’s more of them?

Remus: So, you’re going…

Sirius: are u asking me or telling me?

Remus: Hmm. I’ll see you there.

Sirius: waste of a perfectly good sunday

Remus: We could go get food and drive around after like last time.

Sirius: like a little tradition?

Remus: ;)

Lunch is warm. Not just the food, but the table itself. Everyone is smiling and thanking Monty for the food. Effie drops a kiss to Sirius’ head then does the same for James. They talk about basketball and skating. Effie and Monty promise that even though they can’t go to James’ game tomorrow, they will be there for the state championship, coming at the end of the month.

Then, Monty goes on about the very important recital coming up for Sirius. Promising they will be there and swearing there will be a celebration dinner afterwards. James is sure that Sirius will win the Most Elegant award, which they give out once a year, at this particular recital.

“James, honey, why don’t you and Sirius come back here after the game tomorrow? We can make a big dinner! I miss having both my kids in the house at the same time.”

James peaks over at Sirius, signifying the ball is now in his court. Sirius internally high-fives himself for the sports reference. “I would love to Mom, but I don’t think mother will let me out two nights in a row.”

Everyone at the table knows he’s lying but no one decides to press the issue.

-

Throughout the rest of the day, all Sirius could think about was Remus’ pine air freshener .

Chapter Text

Weeks went by like this:

Remus and Sirius meet after basketball games.

Sirius goes to Remus’ car when he finishes rehearsal.

They made a playlist together, tried new restaurants, went clothes shopping, went on long, aimless drives. Every day, they become more and more attached at the hip. Last week, on Thursday, Remus had picked Sirius up from his last rehearsal before his showcase. Sirius had run to the car in his tights and leotard, swinging the door open enthusiastically. “Remus.” Sirius had practically cheered when he entered the car. Remus, himself had smiled just as brightly, saying his name back in the same, cheery tone.

They had driven around for a while. Over the last three weeks, Sirius had become much more himself around Remus, and he seemed to enjoy every part of Sirius- the quiet and the loud. There were no expectations when it came to the two of them.

Remus had pulled into an abandoned parking lot and forced Sirius out of the car. “Alright, switch seats.” He had said, waving his hand at Sirius. Aimlessly, he listened, and confusingly got into the drivers seat. Remus had taught him how to drive as they drove slowly around the space. Sirius had insisted they kept the music off, and Remus didn’t push him; just nodded and walked him through the instructions.

Sirius had never laughed so hard, making his cheeks hurt with the strain. Remus had celebrated when Sirius finally parked correctly in the lines. They had driven in circles, Sirius occasionally pressing on the gas, accelerating as he got comfortable.

He would never forget that night.

Remus opened the trunk of his car, and inside was a collection of blankets and pillows, followed by a vintage portable DVD player. The car had battery powered twinkle lights strung across the roof. Sirius had felt breathless and overwhelmed. Remus’ cheeks were red, as if he felt a twinge of embarrassment at the gesture. “Remus,” Sirius had whispered, a large swell of emotion in his stomach, “I don’t understand.”

Remus had grabbed Sirius’ wrists, using it to bring them face to face. “Don’t understand what?” His voice was just as soft, and his eyes searched Sirius’ face, looking for answers like they were hidden in his eyes.

“You treat me like,” Sirius paused, trying to think of the right words. Remus didn’t interrupt, just continued to stare down at his face. “-you treat me like I mean something. Like you notice me. No one ever really noticed me. Not the me I want to be”

Remus slid his hands from Sirius’ wrists to hold the side of his face, angling it up to face him. There was a small, sweet smile playing on his lips. “I know you think no one notices you,” His thumb was tracing small patterns under his jaw. Sirius could hear his heart pounding in his ears, and the blood rushing in his face. “I know you think you go unnoticed everywhere you go. You don’t, Sirius.” He tried to turn his face away, but Remus held him in place. “The first time I saw you was freshman year. Your hair was much shorter, and you were reading at your lunch table. You looked up sometimes to laugh at a joke or talk to James. I’ve always noticed you, Sirius.”

Sirius had looked down at the floor, too embarrassed to make eye contact. “You can try to hide yourself from everyone. Try to blend in and be just like everyone else. But I will always notice you.” Sirius had looked up then, right into Remus’ eyes, noticing the sincerity written on his features. He doesn’t know what came over him then, looking back, it could have been a lack of self-control, or the sudden need reciprocate his affection, but Sirius’ hand had wrapped around the back of Remus’ neck before he could stop himself.

When he looks back at this moment, his stomach flips at the nervous glint in Remus’ eyes, as they quickly swoop down to Sirius’ lips. He had hesitated, only slightly, pulling Sirius’ face closer an extra inch. “Can I?” Remus whispered, unable to keep his eyes off Sirius’ mouth. He didn’t know if his voice would work at this moment, so he just nods his head, looking at Remus’ own lips.

Who pulled who in first, they both don’t know- and argue over every day. Sirius felt a hot flash start at his lips and work its way down to his toes. Remus tasted like peppermint and mocha, his hands were sturdy on his face, anchoring him down when he feels like he could float away. Sirius had wrapped his hands around his neck, pulling him closer and closer.

They didn’t get any farther than that. Remus had pulled back, staring with a captivated smile on his face, as if he couldn’t believe that really happened. Remus had whispered “Finally.” When they pulled away, and Sirius got off his tip toes, and placed his head on Remus’ chest.

“I never knew I could have this.” Sirius had whispered. Remus didn’t respond, just kissed the top of his head, and pulled him closer into the hug.

They didn’t talk about it that night. They talked about everything else in the car. Sirius told Remus about Regulus and James. Sirius quietly told him about his parents and how skating was his only escape. Remus just listened, pushing the hair out of his eyes, and placing kisses on his forehead.

When Sirius was done talking, Remus thanked him for sharing and put on Dead Poet Society, a movie he swore Remus would love. Together, they laid in the trunk of the car, barely watching the movie. Sirius’ head was full of questions and worry. But Remus adjusted his body so Sirius’ head was placed on his chest, and suddenly, his doubts were gone.

-

-

Their hangouts didn’t change after that. They still had no expectations, listening to music and taking long drives. Only difference was, now Remus would kiss his cheek goodbye, hug him hello. Sirius never pictured having something like this, and he kept wondering how long something this good would last.

Remus had asked permission to come to his showcase on Wednesday, and Sirius smiled so wide you could see all his teeth. “I would love that, Remus.”

Remus smiled and ran his hand through Sirius’ hair, kissing his cheek. “Then I’ll be there, Princess.” Sirius laughed and pushed his hand off, making the same disgusted face he always did. Remus pushed him back, and they ended up wrestling till Sirius kissed his lips as a truce. Sirius wouldn’t admit that the nickname made him feel warm in his stomach, but he had a feeling Remus already knew.

-

-

Regulus and Sirius were forced to spend more time together than they had in weeks. Regulus kept looking at him like he knew something Sirius didn’t, but he didn’t push the issue. Regulus was performing one number, and his partner was another girl in the class. Sirius was made aware a week before the showcase that he was expected to perform a duet and a solo to the song of his choice.

Now, three hours before his first show, Sirius was stretching in an empty locker room. His mother had reminded him how important this was to the family. Drilled into his brain how his parents had stuck their necks out to bring these prestigious people to come watch him. Walburga was completely dissatisfied with his performance, every time she watched them. Her remarks ranged from under her break critiques, to full out howling her distaste.

He didn’t want to let it affect him. He just kept going.

Sirius always tried to clear his mind before he performed, but he couldn’t get himself to relax. His mind kept convincing himself that this was a ‘make or break’ moment. He thought of everything that could go wrong. If he forgot the routine or slipped in front of everyone. He was incredibly superstitious and required the same pre-show routine.

First was stretching: he started with his neck and worked down to the balls of his feet. When he finished, he put on calming music, while putting on his costume. Today, his costume was red and black. The leotard itself was red, bedazzled with black rhinestones: they fell like stars, light at the top, then periodically, the bottom was littered with gems. His tights were black as well. His hair was put in two braids, and he had tiny star-shaped clips filtered throughout his head.

Though it seemed, it was time to make a new tradition.  The locker door opened as Sirius was applying his eyeliner. At first, Sirius thought it was Regulus, until he heard the heavy footsteps, that were too uncalculated to belong to his brother. Sirius turned his head to see Remus leaning against the wall, with a litter of black-died roses. Remus’ eyes trailed down Sirius’ figure and his lips were curved in a smile.

Confidently, Sirius strutted over to Remus, smiling up at him. “Hello princess. These are for you” He handed Sirius the flowers, and he took them bashfully.

“Thank you, Remus. What are you doing here so early?” Remus took a step forward, wrapping his arms loosely around Sirius’ waist.

“Wanted to see you.” He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, and Sirius wanted to believe him. He couldn’t stop the smile from spreading over his face.

“Well, I am glad you are here.” Sirius wrapped his arms around his neck, standing on his tiptoes to kiss his cheek. His music was still playing softly through his speaker, and this seemed like another moment made for just them. Remus hummed, placing his forehead on top of Sirius’ own.

“I am so happy.” Remus admitted. His voice was soft, and his eyes were closed. Sirius didn’t know how to vocalize that being happy was barely scratching the surface for him. Instead, his kissed him once, and dragged him back over to the mirror to continue getting ready. Remus sat atop one of the benches, pulling out his phone and scrolling through it. Sirius was just happy to be in his company.

So happy.

-

-

The stands were full: families, friends, recruiters. The eyes were the only thing he didn’t like. Knowing that James, Marlene and Regulus were watching made it better. He wanted to make them proud.

Regulus went first. He was graceful and devoted. His steps, unlike Sirius’s, were calculated and thought out.  They were different, but both wonderful. His brother’s outfits were completely contrasting colors to Sirius’, but somehow, extremely similar. Green and white against black and red. Regulus’ hair was slicked back. Not a strand out of place.

It was beautiful. Sirius was so proud. He made sure the clap the loudest, louder than James. James and Sirius were waiting by the lockers, to be there when Regulus finished. When the claps calmed, the flashes of green could be seen running through the doors. Sirius and James were still clapping when he walked in, and Sirius was prepared to watch Regulus jump to James.

Instead, the first thing Regulus did when he saw them was run to Sirius. He wrapped his arms around Sirius’s neck, and for a moment, it felt like Regulus was just a little kid. “How’d I do? Did you like it? Any notes? How’d mother look?”

Sirius laughed and shushed him. “Perfect. loved it. No notes. Who cares?” he listed, in order with the questions. Regulus hugged him again, and his strength was definitely from pure adrenaline.

Sirius’ performance was in two rounds, and he was experiencing some adrenaline of his own. He thought of Remus, wondering what he was doing in the crowd. Was he bored? Was he alone?

His duet was first. Sirius knew partner work was important to recruiters, but the solo performance would really what sets the bar. Alice is already standing on the side, waiting for their slot. “Alice, hi.”

She turns around, wringing out her hands. “Sirius! Are you excited?”

Sirius nodded in conformation, and she reached to grab his hand. They held each other tightly, the pre-performance nerves making their stomach tingle. Sirius really had to pee.

“Now, for our performance number twenty-nine, Sirius Black and Alice Fortescue with their number, The Gold.” There was scattered applause as they skated onto the ice. Sirius tried his best not to look out into the crowd.

Sirius couldn’t tell you how the performance went. He transformed into a different person, yet again. The chill of his nose in unison with the strain of his leg was the only sign that his brain was still in full function.

Alice was easy to depend on as a partner. She was always one step ahead, following him in perfect synchronicity. They held each other when the song came to an end, and he held her arm up during the applause. Sirius scanned for Remus, and when he saw him, he was standing, clapping loudly and smiling. Sirius couldn’t help but smile back.

James and Regulus had run down to see them but stopped at the sight of Walburga. She was standing inhumanly still, expecting Sirius to close the distance between them. Her face was impassive, but Sirius could see the disapproving wrinkle in her brow. Oh shit, Sirius thought.

Remus had made his way down the steps, but stopped behind Regulus and James, who were watching as Sirius stopped in front of his mother. “What was that?” She hissed. Her voice was hard and cruel.

“What was wrong with it?” Sirius asked, looking down at the floor. Walburga grabbed the length of his arm, digging her nails in at an excruciating strength.

She sneered as she dragged him closer, “What was that? That was humiliating. You parading around so carelessly. Your father and his colleagues left halfway through.” Sirius felt as though her grip was drawing blood, but it had nothing on the weight that crashed into his gut.

“What? They left?” His voice sounded small, even in his own ears. Walburga released the arm she was holding with a shove, sending an unsuspecting Sirius back a few steps. Blood crept up his back and through his face. He was humiliated and his performance, and at the realization that Remus had seen how his mother behaves.

“Sirius. Get your solo over with and we are leaving.” She checked him harshly with her shoulder as she walked back toward her seat. Sirius didn’t look up at Remus- he just walked out the doors and back to the rink.

Humiliating

They announced him number.

They left

The music’s about to start.

Parading around carelessly

Sirius moves with the song. The usual flow of his movements was off. He couldn’t stop thinking.

Remus saw her

Sirius skated around the bend of the ice, preparing to do a Biellman Spin.

Make or break.

Sirius was in the air.

Sirius was in the air.

Till the hit the ground. His ankle snapped with the weight on his body and the blade of his skate dug into his leg. Sirius froze. This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening.

The music had stopped but Sirius hadn’t noticed. His ankle was bent at an unnatural angle, and his leg was burning. Sirius couldn’t hear anything besides the ringing in his ear. The entire place was silent.

There was something wet on his face, but he couldn’t process what. He could hear the announcer saying something about medical coming out onto the ice. He couldn’t see anything. Couldn’t see.

A sob broke through his throat, loud and abashed. “No.” He spoke to no one, “Please, no.” He was crying in earnest now. Balls of tears streamed down his face. He wasn’t embarrassed. He was ashamed. This is the only thing he’s good at and he messed it up. This is the only thing.

His coach ran to his side, followed by James, Regulus and the medical staff. “Sirius? Sirius, it is okay. No one’s angry.” Sirius started crying harder. James tried to grab his hand, but he snatched it away. “No!” He yelled.

The team came out with a stretcher, hoping not to put any pressure on the skaters ankle. The coach had addressed the Regulus and James, “His mother has left. Said not to bother bringing him home. One of you can ride with him in the ambulance.”  

“I’ll do it.” Said James.

“No.” Sirius mumbled, crying just as hard. “Remus.”

“Remus?” James sounded confused.

“Remus, please.” Sirius sobbed.

“Hey, hey, I’m here.” Remus was at his side then. Peering over him and smiling. “You did perfect princess. No reason to be upset.”

“My ankle.” Sirius cried, as they put him on the stretcher.

“Shh,” Remus soothed. “Everything will be okay, I promise.”

“We’ll meet you guys there, I guess.” James said, clearly noticing now was not the time to start an argument.

Remus followed the medics carrying Sirius out the door.

This is the first time Sirius has cried in months.

Sirius can’s skate.

He has nowhere to go.

Chapter Text

There’s something so addictive about concealing how you feel. Once you start the pattern, it’s almost impossible to break it. Sirius and Regulus both understood it—both live it.

The walls Sirius built around himself were stories high and meters wide. They had been built over years of isolation and self-loathing. The protection was comforting, allowing the things that had once knocked him down, to no longer hurt at all. Insults slid right off his back and on to the floor. His mothers slaps rang through the house, but barely reached Sirius’ ears. It was easier this way; if he doesn’t let anything touch him, it won’t hurt anymore.

The downside of building walls around yourself, is you block out everyone else.

Sirius had hoped that protecting himself would in turn protect Regulus.

Regulus, who turned away when his parents started yelling. Regulus, who watched when Sirius was dragged away from the dinner table. Regulus, who didn’t even need to try to earn a smile from his mother.

Regulus, who use to sneak him snacks when he was banned from the dinner table. Regulus, who ran up to Sirius after every performance he gave -even before James- to make sure he liked it.

In turn, protecting himself pushed Regulus away more. No longer did they sit in each other’s room, whispering about their dreams and wishes. There were no more quiet knocks at Sirius’ door, only to find Regulus shivering from a nightmare Any relationship the brothers had is gone. And, as far as Sirius is concerned, unfixable.

And now, even with Remus’ hand crushed in his, all he can think of is his brother. The throbbing dull of Sirius’ ankle was almost bearable with Remus rubbing small circles on his palm. His head was swimming- maybe in a good way, mostly in a terrified way.

Once Sirius had started crying, he couldn’t stop. There was something to be said about that—the dam had been broken, exposing the shell of a human being Sirius had become. Finally letting himself feel was foreign and uncomfortable. Momentarily, he wondered if he would run out of tears.

Sirius kept Remus in his eye of sight when the doctor prodded at his foot, then again when they wrapped his ankle in hard plaster. Finally, when the doctor made clear that Sirius was not to skate for at least ten weeks, Remus’ hand was back in his. It didn’t fix everything.

Not even close.

But it was easier.

“Here.” Remus handed him a pull over and a pair of joggers from his car, “I thought these might be a little more comfortable.” He gave him a small smile and left the room to let Sirius change.

Regulus and James did not end up meeting Sirius and Remus at the hospital- which was probably Effie’s idea. Sirius was grateful in a way. He wasn’t ready to be grilled about Remus just yet. Especially after their “development”. Again, Sirius wanted it to be just his.

The sprain hadn’t been too severe. It wasn’t career ending- just life altering.  All the current relationships in Sirius’ life float in between lines: they are foggy and muddled and he isn’t quite sure where he lies with them. The bond with Regulus and James evidently changed the relationship with all his other friends. Sirius doesn’t want it to be this way- he just does. Now, his relationship with skating is changed- that’s his least favorite thing, change.

“You okay?” Remus’ voice was deep and quiet- almost lulling. Sirius could feel his eyes closing in comfort.

“Mm- I’m okay” Sirius turned his head toward Remus, as he began to pack his stuff to leave. “I’m sorry you had to stay here. I’m sure you had other stuff to do.”

Remus laughed and didn’t stop stuffing Sirius’ old outfit in his bag. “Please. You’re like- my best friend.”

“Your best friend, hm? I am honored.” Sirius pounds his hand against his chest dramatically, “What did I do to deserve the title?”

Remus grabs his arm to help him up, a small smile playing at his lips. “Oh, the criteria is endless, you barely made the cut.” His hand is warm on the skin of his arm. His calloused fingers scrape over the soft flesh.

“Well try to keep up. Your top ten at best.” Remus doesn’t seem deterred in the least, slinging his arm over Sirius’ shoulders.

“Don’t say things you don’t mean, Princess.”

“Cocky, aren’t you?”

Remus leads them out through the automatic doors, slinging Sirius’ bag over his spare shoulder and leading them to his car.

“How did your care get here?”

He hums, fishing out his keys. “Your mother dropped off my truck.”

“My mother?”

Remus smiles. “Your other mother. She’s sweet. Loves you.”

Sirius, ever the deflector, knocks his shoulder against Remus’, “Yeah, well. Who doesn’t?” Remus could probably see the insecurity in his smile, but that just makes Remus’ smile larger.

“Valid question.” He opens the passenger door for Sirius, helping him hobble his way into the front seat.

Pine.

Sirius loves the smell of pine in Remus’ car. He can’t smell Christmas trees or scented candles without thinking of Remus.

Sirius always has averted his eyes away from Remus, not trusting himself to look for too long. But now, now, the beauty of Remus Lupin draws Sirius’ eyes to him like a magnet. It feels like Sirius couldn’t look away if he tried.

His curls are long and choppy, naturally beautiful. His eyes are bright and simultaneously dark; brown littered with flecks of gold. His nose is long with a slight bump in it. So miniscule you could only see it if you were truly looking for it. And Sirius was truly looking.

His hands gripped the steering wheel tightly; his long fingers wrapped over it tightly, and his knuckles were white. His arms, rarely seen, were tan with slight shining scars splashed around, mimicking the ones on his face.

But by far, Sirius’ favorite part, was his lips. His lips were full but bitten raw. They were calloused, almost like his hands. Regardless, they were soft and even though they had only touched Sirius’ own lips twice, they felt like home.

Like reentering your own body for the first time. It had the same effect as skating: Sirius didn’t need to think or do anything besides feel. And feeling was so new, so foreign, that it made Sirius’ inside squirm in an uncomfortable way while equally pleasant.

It was so much more than Sirius was familiar with. It had only been a few months of knowing Remus. And he had jumped right into it. Started with driving and uncomfortable conversations, then it switched to clothing and music and books. Then, somehow, Remus started watching practices and taking Sirius home after games. Late nights and shallow talks. Hugs goodbye and smiles hello. It was different, but it was them. And that was good enough for Sirius.

Normally, Sirius was comfortable with letting the unknown lie. Allowing clouds to hang above the heads of his brothers, as they attempt to decipher where Sirius was in their relationships. But this line him and Remus were treading on, brought more questions and negative headspaces. What did he think of his birth mother? Is he upset that I didn’t tell James? He hasn’t kissed me since before the showcase, is it over? What even is this?

Of course, there is no answer right now, and Sirius knows that. And for now, that’s fine.

“I don’t want you to leave yet.” Sirius whispers. His cheek is against the cold window, and his breath fogs up the glass. “Not ready to be alone, I guess.” He doesn’t turn his head, just stares straight forward.

“I guess we’ll have to do something about that, won’t we?” His smugness is clear in his voice, but it’s laced with something Sirius can’t quite decipher.

“Can I sneak you in?” Remus is still looking at the road when Sirius looks at him, but he has a small smile on his face.

“No, you may not sneak me in,” Sirius frowns slightly, “but you may properly introduce me to your mother, if you’re comfortable with it.”

“Which mother?”

Remus turns to look at him then, with a look of pure confusion on his face. “The only mother you have, obviously. Try to keep James away from me though.”

A full, genuine, happy smile split across Sirius’ face. Remus Lupin was grouchy and weird but so perfect. So perfect that Sirius wanted to reach across the car and kiss him. “I’ll try my best, then.”

Remus allowed Sirius to ramble on about Effie, remembering how he never went into full detail about why he preferred staying with James’ family. Remus nodded, and laughed, and scoffed. He looked genuinely nervous when they pulled up to the house. He opened Sirius door for him, then straightened out his pants and fixed his hair. “I look crazy.” Sirius limped over to him, annoyed with the chunky boot attached to his ankle.

Sirius pulled his wrist, tugging his hand out of his hair. “She’s going to love you. Promise.”

Remus pulled his hand, dragging Sirius forward. “Promise, huh? I’ve met her already. It’s just different now.”

“How’s it different?” Sirius asked, quirking his head to the side. Remus’ hand played with the end of Sirius’ hair, red shooting up the length of his neck.

“Well, you know- James and- we just.” Sirius couldn’t stop the smile from peeking through his lips. “You’re joking, aren’t you?” Sirius’ eager nod made Remus exhale in mock annoyance. “After you, princess.”

“Piss off, Remus.”

The walked up the cobblestone path together; Remus slowing down to match Sirius’ new, hobbled pace. The lights in the kitchen were on, as seen through the window, and there was smoking coming through the chimney on the roof. Fall was quickly turning to winter, and Sirius welcomed the change.

Sirius didn’t bother knocking on the door, much to Remus’ protests. Quiet chatter could be heard from the space between the door and the wood. Sirius’ boot caught on the slight ledge of the door frame, and he collapsed into the entry way. “Ever the dramatic, Sirius Black.”

Sirius lifted his head, from where it was lying on the floor, “yes, because I did that on purpose.” He reached his hand up to Remus, who smiled and pulled him up.

“Remus? What are you doing here?” Lily Evans stood up from the couch and sauntered over to them, hugging Sirius first, then throwing his arms around Remus.

“Community Service.” He said, shifting his head towards Sirius.

“You guys know each other?” Sirius tried to keep the jealousy out of his voice- he wasn’t sure how well he did on that front.

“Study group.” Lily was smiling in a soft way, while Remus was smiling in a knowing way. Sirius looked towards the group again, desperately searching for Effie. She was already on her way over. There were tears in the corner of her eyes and her chin was quivering. She marched over with such enthusiasm, Sirius was afraid she was going to knock him over. “You- I am so proud of you.”

Her arms circled around Sirius’ neck as though they had been waiting to be there. “You are an enigma, Sirius. Oh, I love you.” Her grip was strong and so, so soothing. This is what mothers are supposed to be.

“This is Remus, of course.”

“Hello again, Mrs. Potter.” They continued chatting with each other, while Sirius leaned his head back on her shoulder. Effie’s eyes shifted in an accusatory way, but evidently, put on her best smile. Listening to the calm chatter of his mother and Remus made him relaxed. She allowed him to lean on her, taking the weight off his bad foot.  His eyes had closed at some point, and when he opened them, James was towering next to his mother.

“Sirius.” James’ voice was cautious, almost as though Sirius was a time bomb. One wrong move and the whole thing blows up. “I just-,” Sirius almost laughed at James’ uncertainty. They never felt like this around each other. Just a year ago, they were attached from head to toe. Every secret every second of their lives were shared with each other. And now, it feels like he’s looking at a stranger.

“Ah, James, you know Remus.” James clearly looks shocked at the subject change but nods his head hesitantly.

“Yeah, uh, hey Remus.” His smile doesn’t reach his eyes, yet he still pulls Remus into a quick hug. “You did great, Sirius. You’ll be back on the ice soon enough.”

“Couldn’t keep you off if they tried.” Sirius knew the voice like the back of his hand. Regulus stood up off the couch and walked over to them. It was quiet for a moment, then, it seemed like everyone else in the room had somewhere to be: Lily and Marlene went into the kitchen while Effie and Monty took a stroll up the stairs. The presence behind Sirius started to move toward the direction of Lily and Marlene when Sirius grabbed Remus by the wrist.

“Stay?” he whispered it so quietly; it seemed like he mouthed it. Remus just laced their fingers together and stood next to him pliantly. “Hello Regulus.” His brothers eyes trailed from his face to his foot, and back again.

“Sirius. Even when you fall, it’s with elegance.” His face was cold, but his eyes were warm.

“I’m going to assume that’s a compliment. Thank you, Reggie.” Regulus let his lips curl slightly, but it was clearly forced. He opened his mouth but closed it again. It reminded him of a fish, in a way. Sirius will blame it on endorphins, if he must, but he felt the strong urge to hold Regulus, as if he was the one in the boot and not him.

His arms wrapped around Regulus slowly, and his eyes widened when Sirius came closer. They were hugging, and it was weird and uncomfortable, but neither of them pulled away. Regulus’ head craned to rest on Sirius’ shoulder, and suddenly, the age gap felt even larger than before.

“My two favorite people! Hugging! Can I please join? Please?” Regulus lifted his head to glare at his boyfriend, but stepped back a little to let him in. The three of them hugging was new, and Sirius wasn’t sure if he liked it.

Sirius let his eyes linger on Remus, slipping one of his arms out of the hug to twist his fingers with him. It was only for a moment, but Remus seemed to appreciate the gesture.

The hug went on a moment too long, and Sirius pulled away with an awkward laugh. “This boot gives me like, an extra two inches.” James smiles too and leans his arm on Sirius’ head.

“Still the shortest here, besides Lily.”

Remus stands taller than the three of them. His posture is bad, and his head is low, but still, he’s the tallest there. Sirius has to physically pull his eyes away. “How do you guys know each other?”

They make eye contact with each other, and squint, as if trying to read each other’s minds.

“Party.”

“McDonalds.”

They look at each other again, and quickly adjust their story.

“A party at McDonalds.” Remus says, and he tries to make it as serious as possible, but the smile still peeks through.

“Absolute rager.” Sirius and Remus lock eyes again, trying desperately not to laugh. James looks forlorn, in a way. As if Sirius shouldn’t be making inside jokes with someone who’s not him. Regulus looks impassive, as always. Selfishly, Sirius wonders if Regulus is thinking of ways to worm his way into Remus’ life as well.

Sirius almost feels angry, the closest to it he has in a while. The flood gates have been broken, as they say, and every emotion feels as though they could spill at any minute. Sirius has to clench his fists to contain himself.

“A rager… at McDonalds… okay.” James’ voice doesn’t waver much, but the accusation was heard in his voice. Sirius had enough.

“Yep. Well, I’m going to show Remus my room.” Sirius grabs Remus’ hand again, and leads him up the stairs, not waiting for a response from James or Regulus – not needing one. The walk quietly together; all that’s heard is the quiet chatter of the guests downstairs.

The door is across the hall from James’ room. Sirius had decorated it from years of spending weekends at the Potters. “This is my man cave.”

“Man cave, hm?” His eyes were bright, as he took in the bedroom that Sirius was proud to call his own. “This is purely you.” His eyes were on the vintage posters and shelf of books. His eyes scanned over the guitars and the red bed sheets. He reached out to touch the picture frame of James and Sirius- it was the first one they ever took together. Barely eight years old, and already obsessed with each other.

It was surreal to have Remus in his room. The way he delicately touched everything, as though it was Sirius himself, he was feeling. “Purely me? Do you like it?”

Remus turned around then and turn three long strides to Sirius. Up close, the lights hanging from the walls made his eyes shine. “If it’s you, I definitely like it.” His hands moved to each side of Sirius’ waist- warm and secure.

“Oh, yeah?” Sirius hands wrapped around Remus’ neck.

“I’m taking you to my house next. Mams been dying to meet you.” His words were so genuine, so certain, it made Sirius hands start to sweat. Remus’ hands tightened, just slightly, and then tugged him closer.

“Will she like me?” His words were a whisper, and his head was bent back to look at Remus.

“She’s just like me. She’s going to love you”

That was all he said, before his hands pulled Sirius’ hips the rest of the distance and connected their lips.

Their lips slipped together perfectly. They moved together slowly- his hands drawing small circles on his hips, and Sirius’ hands roaming through his hair. His foot was still throbbing and he was still upset.

But this helped.

Remus always helped.

Chapter Text

Sirius often gets lost in his own thoughts.

More often than not, he marvels at the fragility of life. Every choice you make has a consequence, every time you decide not to do something, you risk the chance of making the wrong choice.

If Sirius hadn’t walked away from Regulus and James that fateful evening, he might not have sat outside the gym on the sidewalk. Had he not sat on the sidewalk, he never would have met Remus.

Remus. What a beacon of light that shed itself beautifully into Sirius’s dark mind. They hadn’t discussed what is going on between them, and Sirius is absolutely, one hundred percent, not ready for anymore rejection at this point in time.

Oddly enough, Remus hasn’t brought it up either. They’ve only kissed a few times and Sirius didn’t even know Remus was gay. He assumes he is, given their previous entanglement. It is strange, though.  Sirius is no stranger to fleeting experiences.

If you had told Sirius he would one day view his and James friendships as “fleeting”, he would probably laugh in your face… then overthink it for months to follow. Now, he understands.

Nothing is permanent. The world doesn’t slow it’s rotations just because you’re not ready for the next day. Time doesn’t slow down because you need another second to catch up. It keeps going. If you’re lucky enough, you are able to continue on, pushing through another day until you are able to be on the same page as everyone else.

If you’re like Sirius, though, you will let the days drag on, yanking and pulling you until you can do nothing but count the days. Sirius had gained hope for the future - a home, a family, good friends. He had it pulled away so quickly, it made his head turn. He lost hope again.

That is, of course, until he met Remus.

Remus Lupin and his pine air freshener. Books scattered across the floor of his car. The stereo in said car that sounds like it was made a hundred years ago. The way his fingers tap to the music atop the wheel. His infuriating smile that makes Sirius forget anything bad has ever happened to him.

The ecstatic cheers when teaching Sirius how to drive. The thought he put into the fort in the trunk. His soothing, rumbling voice that makes his heart do backflips in his stomach. The way he gave Sirius his space when needed. The patience and support when Sirius can’t articulate his words.

It’s not love, yet, but it could be.

Oh, how Sirius could picture it.

Currently, however, he was back in his room at the Potter’s. He hadn’t heard from his mother – other than the fact he has an hour later today to pack his bags while her and his father will be at a meeting in town.

Remus: what does your day look like today?

Sirius: picking up my stuff from my house. fml

Remus: want me to come?

Sirius: i would never subject you to that trainwreck

Remus: You aren’t subjecting me to anything.

I can pick you up

unless I’m over stepping.

Sirius ponders this for a moment. Remus has only seen the outside of his house. Though the outside looks like something straight from a high-budgeted reality TV show, the inside was hollow. If you listened hard enough, you could probably hear the sound of childhood laughter dying.  

Sirius: ur sweet.

only if u r sure though.

Remus: I will come get you whenever you are ready princess.

Sirius: <3

Sirius wonders whether Regulus anticipated Sirius coming alone. If Sirius was going to come to terms with James and Regulus being together, Sirius needed a support system of his own.

No. He deserved a support system of his own.  

As much as Sirius would like to say that his first night as a “free man” was rewarding and peaceful, Sirius could whole heartedly admit that a cycle of things were on his mind. First, obviously, being the day he had. Sirius can’t remember the last time he was hurt skating.

Hell, Sirius can’t remember ever losing a competition. And yet, as if the world had some cruel, twisted revenge for him, he not only doesn’t win, he also can’t play for a long time.

Maybe ever.

This ideology makes him miss James.

James is just down the hall. Selfishly, Sirius thinks maybe Regulus is in there, too.

paddy poo: want to come in here

prongsie poo: rlly?

paddy poo: yea?

Sirius heard the loud stomps leading up his room. It sounded like James was running to him. That feels nostalgic. The door slams open, James’s smiling face appears briefly before he launches himself onto Sirius’s bed.

“Hello.” Even though Sirius could see his face and his large smile, he could hear the excitement in his voice.

“Good morning, Prongsie.” James smiles at the nickname and it feels like eons since he last used it. “How was your night?”

James wiggles his eyebrows “I feel like I should be asking you that.” Sirius understands what James is insinuating, and it makes him laugh.

“It’s not like that.” Sirius’s smile spreads a little more at the thought of Remus. He misses him- is that weird?

“What exactly is it like? I didn’t even know you knew him.” James seems upset about the situation, but for Sirius, no part of him feels guilty about what’s happening with Remus.

“Ah, don’t worry about it.” Sirius ruffles James’s hair. “I guess I am just irresistible, or something.” He tries to make it seem funny - like their usual banter, but Sirius isn’t sure if he succeeded.

“You know, Pads, if you wanted to get back at me about Reggie, this isn’t the way to do it.” The way “Reggie” flows off James’s tongue makes Sirius cringe. “Not that I am judging you, honestly.”

“James, what is going on with me and Remus is between me and Remus. Frankly, I don’t need you making assumptions on something you know nothing about.” Sirius tries to keep his voice light in hopes to prevent another argument. “This has nothing to do with you – hell, it has nothing to do with your relationship. This is about me. For me. If you get what I am saying.”

James’s face is completely unreadable- that’s new. “Who would have thought?” Sirius had some idea what he was talking about. “I never thought something could completely alter our lives so much.”

“Every action has an equal or opposite reaction.”

James laughs and nudges his arm, “Stop trying to act so smart.” He sighs then, and it could mean so many things. “I wish things could go back to normal. You’ve been so distant. Every time I try to get closer, try to fix things, you just get further away.”

“James – “

“And I know it is my fault. I know how much our friendship meant to you. Now you feel like you have been tossed aside now that Regulus is getting attention.”

“That’s what you think this is?” Sirius sits up on the bed to face James. “You think this is me upset because I am not getting attention anymore?” Sirius runs his fingers through his hair, “I am not some attention whore, James.”

“I never insinuated that you were! I am just trying to make sense of everything. This feels so random to me!”

Sirius did not expect this when he invited James to come into the room. “It is random to me, too! You lied to my face for months about you and my brother. Lies, and secrecy. And I had no fucking idea! I had no idea this was going on.” Sirius exhales, running a hand through his hair. "Maybe things would have been different if you were honest, but you weren't"

“Regulus deserves happiness, too, Sirius”

Sirius sniffles, even though his eyes are dry. “Yeah,” he chuckles dryly, “I know.”

He pulls his phone off the comforter and opens his phone.

Sirius: hey can we go soon?

Remus: yea do you want me to leave in 10?

Sirius: thank u <3

Remus: of course, princess.

Sirius is smiling down at his phone, and for a moment, he forgets James is in the room. “I am going to Grimmuald Place to get my stuff. She is giving me an hour.”

“Let me drive you! Regulus is with Lily, so it would be just us.”

Sirius shakes his head, mumbling “of course he is with Lily.” He clears his throat and gets off the bed, “That is sweet, James, but I can’t. I am going with Remus.”

“Lupin? Seriously?” he scoffs. “Well, that’s fine, I know him, I can come.”

Sirius puts his hand out. “That’s okay. Remus and I can handle it.”

Sirius turns around and takes off his shirt. James and Sirius dress in front of each other all the time. Sirius hears the ruffle of his sheets, then the bedroom door closes. That’s fine. He had nothing else to say either.

The closet at the Potter’s house was moderately empty. Luckily, Sirius has a select amount of clothes he likes to keep in the dresser. Sirius picked out a nice pair of khaki pants that were a bit large, they are James’s old ones. The larger pants would slip over the boot easier. Sirius contemplated wearing his new jacket - but decided against it.

Sirius was already started to get nervous about going home, so he settled on a black shirt with a large, white hoodie. The hoodie was a gift from Effie. It was a few sizes too big but looked nice with the pants.

Remus: I am here.

Take ur time

James is looking at me through the window...

Sirius: one sec

After adjusting the pant leg over the boot, Sirius opens his bedroom door and peaks his head around the corner. It was almost like an instinct- check and see who might be in the halls. Obviously, no one was going to be there. Sirius internally laughed at himself.

The bathroom door was cracked, and the light was off. Pushing the door open, he noticed that Effie must have stocked the room with new things at some point. The glass window to the shower let you see the new shampoo and conditioner that was organized throughout the shelves. On the counter, below the mirror, was a new toothbrush and toothpaste.

The idea that Effie would go get new stuff for him makes his throat feel tight. She hadn’t made a single sign that Sirius needing a place to stay was an inconvenience for her. She took him in without question.

Looking up into the mirror, Sirius could see his hair matted with sleep. The brush in the bathroom was the same as it was when he slept over for the first time, but it seems Effie had pulled all the hair out of it.

Even though Sirius was tired, he was still excited to see Remus, so he brushed his hair quickly, tucking the front pieces behind his ear. Sirius always hated brushing his teeth. He does it, of course, but the act of doing it is annoying. Part of Sirius does it with hope that Remus will kiss him. Don’t tell anyone though.

Sirius momentarily forgets about going to his house as he hobbles down the stairs. He is excited to see Remus. Monty is downstairs on the couch, his head lolled back onto the pillows. His mouth is open as he sleeps. Sirius smiles lovingly at the sight, wondering if this is what he gets to experience from now on.Momentarily, Sirius wonders how Monty didn’t wake up from the slam of his boot on the floor. His thoughts were disrupted when he saw Remus’s truck outside the window. He smiles and quickly limped over to the door. When he turned the nob of the door, the first thing he saw was a tall man standing on the doorstep with his back towards the door.

“Remus?” He closes the door and steps into the frigid air. Remus turns around and smiles that sweet, small smile, that always makes Sirius feel like he is going to throw up from happiness.

“Hi there,” He says, taking a few steps up to him. Sirius tilts his head up to get a better view of him. “I thought I would help you get to the car. The ground is kinda wet and I didn’t want you to slip or get your boot wet. I also didn’t want you do have to limp all the way to the car… I don’t know. Now that I think about it, maybe standing on your doorstep for ten minutes was kind of weird.”

Sirius feels his throat tighten again. Remus’s rambling partnered with his insecurity about his choice to stand on his doorstep caused a smile to spread across his face. Sirius brought his hands up to cup Remus’s cheeks, and in a moment of bravery, or maybe pure nerves, he pressed up onto the balls of his feet and pressed a chaste kiss on his cheek. “You are just – how are you real?”

Sirius watched Remus’s lips twitch, as if he was fighting the smile that threatened to split across his face. A red flush creeps up his neck. “You’re giving me too much credit. This is the bare minimum.”

“It isn’t.” Sirius says as Remus wraps harms underneath Sirius’s shoulders, holding his weight. “You’re just… I don’t know. Can’t find the words.”

Opening the passenger door, Remus grabs Sirius’s hand and helps him onto the seat. Pausing for a minute, Remus lowers his head to Sirius’s level. “You don’t have to say anything. It’s nothing less than what you deserve.” He places his hand on Sirius’s knee. “I have never met anyone like you before.”

Before Sirius can even respond, Remus smiles and closes the door. He runs around to the drivers side and sits down onto the seat. Sirius reaches for his hand after he turns the car on and intertwines their fingers on his lap. Remus squeezes Sirius’s for a moment.

The music is playing softly, and while usually, Sirius likes their music filled drives, he feels the need to talk and distract himself. Taking a deep breath, Sirius says, “Tell me something about you that I don’t know.” Remus looks over at him, Sirius can feel it, but Sirius continues to stare at their hands.

Remus hums, “I don’t know my dad.” Sirius squeezes his hand for a moment, not sure if Remus will continue. “I know who he is, Lyall Lupin, but I can’t remember much about him.”

“What happened? You don’t have to tell me. It was nice of you to even say- “

“It’s okay. Nothing really happened. He just left.” Sirius takes a deep breath, absorbing everything Remus is saying. “Good riddance, though. My mom deserves better.”

Sirius smiles, trying to highlight what Remus says. “Your mom sounds amazing. I am very jealous.” Well, that came out a lot more deprecating than he meant it to.

“We all have our stuff. Your birth mother sounds like a bitch. Scary, too.”

“Birth mother. Never thought to call her that. She isn’t really a mom, though, is she?” It was a rhetorical question. It required no answer, but Remus responded anyways.

“Anyone would have to be stupid to not see how awesome you are.” Remus ran his thumb across Sirius’s knuckles twice, and Sirius takes a deep breath. Sirius smells the pine air freshener.

“Thank you for telling me about your dad, Remus.”

Remus tuts. “You don’t need to thank me. I would tell you anything you want to know.” Remus waits at a light to turn left, the car paused as it waits for a chance to go. “We are like… three minutes away. How are you feeling?”

Sirius exhale stutters. “I feel relieved and solum at the same time. Better though since you are here.”

“Course I am here. I am relieved though. Based on my conversations with Monty after the games, the Potter’s are much better.”

They pull up to Sirius’s home, and for the first time, Sirius can see him and Regulus running around in the yard. Two oblivious, naive children who want nothing more than to play. They used to be best friends.

Sirius was running through the grass, looking back every few seconds to see if Regulus was still chasing him. He was.

They had this game to test who was faster. They played whenever Walburga was out of town since Orion never truly cared what they did. “You’re going to have to run faster if you want to catch me, Leo”

Sirius almost forgot about that nickname. It started as a jab at Regulus’s constellation, which then turned into a childhood nickname. “I am running as fast as I can!” A young voice screeched behind him.

Sirius, feeling guilty, slows down a bit, pretending to slow down to catch his breath. Even though he is expecting it, a puff of air escapes his mouth as a body slams into his back. “I got you! Mon Dieu! Je t'ai attrapé! Did you see that!”

“Bon travail, Regulus. Tu as été très rapide!” Sirius pushed himself off the ground and pulled Regulus up after him. “I guess I am just getting old.”

“Arrêt.” Regulus said. His French was worse than his English whereas to Sirius, French was his first language. “I am just fast.”

“Sure you are, Leo.” Sirius said, scraping his brothers scalp in attempt to mess up his hair. “Allez, let’s go inside and get you cleaned up before maman comes home.”

“Okay!” Regulus chirped, following Sirius into the house.

“This doesn’t feel real.” Sirius whispers to Remus after a moment, the memory swirling through his mind. “I don’t think I can do this.”

Remus’s pulls their grasped hands up to his lips, “You can do this. But you don’t have to. We can go do something else.” He kissed the back of Sirius’s hand. “I will come with you, and we can get all your stuff. Then, if you want, we can go get a shake after – not vanilla though.”

That does get Sirius to smile, at least. After one more deep breath, Sirius opens the door to the car and gets out, staring up at the house as they wait for Remus. “Now or never.” Sirius grabs Remus’s arm, pushing his face into it.

The door creaks open with a gentle push. The door was unlocked as if they were waiting for him. Sirius’s boot scrapes across the ground as he steps into the house. The house smelled of the same cleaning supplies mixed with expensive perfume. Sirius can feel Remus shiver behind him. “I can’t believe you grew up here.” Sirius just nods and tightens his grip on Remus. It all feels a bit foolish. He did grow up here, after all. There isn’t a boogey man hiding under his bed or ghosts wandering the house. The only monster in this house is not here, at a business meeting.

Not feeling up to a grand tour, he leads Remus towards the staircase. Sirius has never felt the need to acknowledge the winding pattern of the stairs but with his injured ankle, it suddenly seems like a huge obstacle.

Remus doesn’t speak as Sirius leads him up the stairs. Sirius walks on his tiptoes out of pure habit, making sure he doesn’t disturb his parents. Remus takes is walking slow at the stairs, moving in tandem with Sirius as he goes up the stairs as fast as his leg will possibly let him. “My room is just up here.” Sirius mumbles and releases Remus’s arm.

Before Sirius can reach his room, he sees the signature carving of R.A.B etched onto the other door. Sirius stares at it for a moment, before pushing over the door to Regulus’s room. The bed is made, and everything is clean. Sirius hesitantly steps into the room. He remembers that they would have had rehearsal today if Sirius wasn’t injured.

Remus stays in the doorway as Sirius walks in. The desk does not look like that of a teenager, but that was expected. Sirius reaches for a post-it note, and a pen in the jar.

Regulus,

I have your number, but I wanted to make a note that you can keep with you.

I love you. You will always be my brother.

Stay safe and remember that this is just a house. Not a home.

-Sirius.

As he is about to leave, he sees a picture frame that is face down on the desk. Curiously, Sirius grabs the frame and flips it over.

In the silver frame is a picture of a younger Sirius and Regulus – not much older than that memory of them on the lawn. They were on their way back from one of their first skating lessons when their nanny let them get a popsicle at the concession stand.

“What flavor should I get? Maman will be angry if she finds out we had these.”

Sirius laughs and looks at Regulus, they were almost the same height. “That is why we don’t tell her.” Sirius looks up at the woman running the stand “Can I do blue-raspberry? Reggie, what flavor do you want to try?”

“Me too, please. Blue rash-berry.” The lady at the counter smiles at him and you can see the crinkle on her face. Smile lines- he thinks, and she walks behind the counter to go get them their ice pops.

“Raspberry, Regulus.” Sirius has a smile on his face, and he feels much smarter than Regulus in that moment.

When the woman comes back, she refuses to take money from them as long as they tell her how it tastes the next time she sees them. Sirius and Regulus thank her with large smiles on their face. The nanny, Sophia, lets them sit on the sidewalk and try their snack.

“Come here boys, let me take a picture.”

Sirius and Regulus shuffle closer together, and Sirius slings his arm over Regulus’s shoulder. Regulus had been obsessed with the popsicle, and Sirius gave him the rest of his. When they got back to their house, their parents weren’t back yet, so they went outside to runoff their sugar high.

“You’re my best friend.” Regulus had said. It sounded so genuine, so sweet, that Sirius smiled at him.

“You are my best friend, too.”

Sirius had already met James at this point. Though him and James were best friends, Regulus would always come first.

Sirius smiles as he wipes away the tears that started to form in his eyes. He turns around to face Remus who was watching him with kind eyes. “Want to see?”

“Sure, princess.” Remus walks up behind Sirius and peers down at the picture. He rubs his finger over little Sirius’s face, then places it on Sirius’s waist. “You look happy.”

“I was.” Sirius croaks. He can’t remember the last time he had allowed himself to remanence on these memories. It made him feel different. “It wasn’t always bad here, you know.”

“Not everything is purely good or bad. Sometimes, walking away is the best thing to do.”

Sirius knows he is right. Still, a part of him wishes he could hug his mom, wrapping his arms around her waist like a child, and allow her to make everything better. Walburga wouldn’t hug him. It was hard for him to even get her to listen.

Sirius put the frame back down and walked them down the hall to his room. S.O.B, which had been engraved there since the moment Walburga found out she was having a son, was now scraped off, leaving an ugly chipping in the wood. Sirius was sure she would paint over it at some point. He pushed open the door, realizing this might be the last time he would ever do it. The first thing he noticed the clear bed, which had been stripped of its sheets, pillows, and blankets.

“This is my room.” Sirius says and uses his arm to present it to him. Remus takes another glance around the room.

“Can’t believe the room that held the most vibrant person in the world could be this dull.” Remus wrapped him arms around Sirius’s waist. “This isn’t your room anymore, but that doesn’t mean you won’t carry the memories with you.”

Sirius nods and lets his weight fall onto Remus, and he just holds him. He rubs soothing circles onto Sirius’s hip bones. “Thank you for coming with me, Remus.”

“Quit thanking me. If you haven’t figured out that I would do anything for you, then you’re not as smart as I thought.”

Chapter Text

Remus picks up his phone for what has to be the tenth time in five minutes. He stares at the screen, willing it to light up with a reply. It doesn’t. Sirius always takes his time answering texts, but this morning, the silence feels heavier, like something unspoken is stretching between them.

His foot taps against the floor of his car, a restless rhythm that matches the anxious churn in his chest. The message thread is still open, Sirius’s last response from last night staring back at him. It had been short—too short for Sirius, who usually filled the screen with sarcastic remarks or elaborate emojis.

Remus: i’m about to head in for practice.

He hesitates before typing the next line, his thumbs hovering over the keyboard.

Remus: i’ll text you after, ok?

The words feel insufficient, but he sends them anyway, his finger hovering over the power button. He locks the phone and stares at his reflection in the black screen for a beat longer than he should. His face looks as tired as he feels.

With a sharp exhale, he steps out of the truck and onto the asphalt. The early morning air is crisp, biting against his skin. Sunday morning practices are always the hardest to wake up for, but something about walking into practice feels like a waste of time.

As he slings his gym bag over his shoulder and makes his way toward the court, his mind keeps circling back to Sirius. He can’t stop thinking about what happened just five nights ago. Watching Sirius tremble as he opened the front door of his house. Noticing Sirius walk on the balls of his feet as he makes his way up the stairs – his footsteps making almost no noise. It was heart wrenching to see.

Sirius doesn’t give himself enough credit.

Remus thinks he is the bravest boy in the world.

Sirius, of course, tried to laugh it off, cracking jokes on the car ride home. His usual careless tone seeped into his voice so effortlessly. Now, at least, Remus knows him well enough to notice that it’s fake. He can see through it. He loves that he can see through it.

He hasn’t seen him since.

A part of him wants to check his phone one more time, just to see if Sirius has replied, but his coach’s voice cuts through his thoughts before he gets the chance.

“Lupin, the hell are you doing?” Coach’s booming voice echoes across the gym, sharp and unrelenting. “Put some pep in your step. This isn’t Sunday brunch.”

Remus wants to roll his eyes but resists. He knows better—coach would have him running laps until he collapsed. And right now, he’s too tired to fight that battle.

“Alright,” he huffs, slinging his bag higher on his shoulder. “I’m coming.”

As he walks toward the bleachers, he sets his bag down with a sigh, pulling out his water bottle first. The gym is already alive with movement: the sound of basketballs bouncing against polished wood, sneakers squeaking, and voices echoing as players warm up.

Benji, one of his teammates, saunters over with his usual easygoing grin and ruffles Remus’s shoulder. “Hey, Lupin.”

Remus turns, managing a small smile. “Hey, Benji. How are you?”

Benji slings an arm over Remus’s shoulders, steering him toward the court. “Yeah, good,” he says, his tone casual, almost dismissive, like he’s already forgotten the question. “You look like you barely dragged yourself out of bed, though.”

“Tired,” Remus replies, sipping from his water bottle as they walk.

“Yeah, well, you’re in for it today,” Benji says, smirking. “Club practice starts soon.”

“Great,” Remus mutters, his stomach twisting slightly.

They reach the court, and Remus quickly joins the others warming up. He starts with light stretches, trying to shake off the lingering exhaustion and the gnawing worry about Sirius.

Practice begins with drills, the team running through layups, passes, and defensive formations. Remus moves through the motions, his body going on autopilot while his mind drifts.

“Lupin, focus!” Coach’s voice snaps him back to the present, and he nods quickly, adjusting his stance as they transition into scrimmages.

Remus sees James and nods at him with a small smile. James looks away, not saying anything. Coach passes out the over-the-jersey shirts, one red, one blue.

James, as always, is on the A team with Remus, whereas the other half of the team is on B. Remus skillfully finds a way to be unguarded, staring at the ball in James’s hands. His eyes skate over Remus, noting his open stance, before passing it to another player. It gets blocked, the ball falling to the ground before it’s picked up by the other team.

Remus bites back a retort, gritting his teeth as he jogs back into position. The next few plays are a lot of the same. James pretending like Remus isn’t playing and Remus trying to pretend like it doesn’t bother him.

Coach has them switch teams a bit, which is not out of the norm. The next play is even worse. Remus catches a pass, but James is on him in an instant, his defense almost too aggressive for a practice game.

“Come on, dude!” James snaps, swiping at the ball and nearly knocking it out of Remus’s hands.

“I am, Potter!” Remus shoots back, his voice sharper than he intended. He spins to pass the ball to Benji, but James’s intensity has already thrown him off his rhythm, and the pass goes wide. “Fuck.” He mutters, and the whistle blows.

“Sloppy.” His coach says, writing something down on his clipboard. He walks over to the bleachers to grab his water. Sitting down, he wipes the sweat from his forehead, cracking his knuckles.

“Everything alright, mate?” James says from in front of him, and Remus looks up at him from the bench. His voice was far too friendly.

“Fine.” He replies curtly, taking another sip of water.

James chuckles snidely “Yeah, I bet.”

Remus feels the familiar flicker of irritation bubbling in his chest. It’s been simmering all practice—James’s relentless intensity, the snide comments, the thinly veiled tension. He sets his water bottle down and stands abruptly, squaring his shoulders.

“The fuck is your problem?” Remus snaps, glaring at James.

James raises an eyebrow, his expression hardening. “My problem?” he repeats, stepping closer. “What’s your problem?” He brushes past Remus deliberately, his shoulder colliding with his as he moves.

It’s instinct—Remus turns, shoving James back. “Chill out, dude.”

James spins around, his eyes narrowing. “Did you just shove me?” James puts his hands on Remus’s shoulder, lightly shoving him back.

“Yeah, I did,” Remus says, his voice steady despite the heat rising in his chest. “Because you’ve been acting like a dick all morning. You want to tell me why, or are you just going to keep sulking?” He pushes James back.

“I’m not sulking. Piss off!” He shouts. It’s so uncharacteristic that Remus stares shocked at him for a moment. Before Remus can respond, Coach’s booming voice cuts through the air. “Potter! Lupin! What the hell is going on?”

Both of them freeze, turning to face Coach, who’s stalking toward them with a furious look.

“You two want to fight? Fine. But not on my court,” he snaps, pointing to the exit. “You’re both done for the day. Get out of here and figure your shit out before you come back Wednesday.”

Remus opens his mouth to argue, but one look at Coach’s face silences him. With a frustrated exhale, he grabs his bag from the bleachers and slings it over his shoulder. James does the same, his movements stiff and deliberate.

The silence between them is thick as they walk out of the gym, the door slamming shut behind them. The cool morning air hits Remus’s face, but it does little to temper the heat simmering in his chest.

“I don’t understand, James. Why are you mad?”

Next to him, James just exhales and shakes his head. “Didn’t mean to take it out on you. There’s a lot going on.”

Remus nods and stops walking. “We can talk about it?” He suggests, taking his bag off his shoulder and setting it on the ground. “Have you talked to anyone about it?”

James just sits on the curb, resting his head on his knees.

Staring at James on the curb, in that position, reminds Remus of the first time he talked to Sirius. He was sitting in a similar spot, his hands clenched and his breathing fast. Remus had to calm himself down enough to even approach him. He smiles to himself.

“I think I need to break up with Regulus.” He whimpers. The dejected look on his face is so heartbroken, even speaking the words aloud seemed to physically hurt him. “I’m losing him and there’s nothing I can do about it.” He exhales harshly, and it takes Remus a moment to realize he is crying.

“You’re losing Regulus?” Remus asks, awkwardly sitting next to him on the bench.

James inhales harshly and hiccups another sob. “No.” He replies, shaking his head. “Sirius.”

Suddenly, it all clicks into place. James is dating Regulus. Which he knew. What he just pieced together is how much Sirius’s best friend dating his brother would affect him. And now, it seems to be affecting James, too. Remus hesitates, unsure how to respond, before finally saying softly, “You think you’re losing Sirius? He asks, rubbing his hands together. James just nods.

Remus watches him for a moment before leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Can I tell you something?”

James looks at him warily but nods.

“Almost three years ago—freshman year—I remember it like it was yesterday. It was my first basketball game, and I was so nervous I thought I was going to throw up right there on the court.”

James huffs a small laugh through his tears, and Remus smiles faintly.

“You came up to me,” Remus continues, “and introduced yourself. You were the first person to do that. Do you remember what you said to me?”

James shakes his head, his brows knitting together.

James shook his head no, which didn’t surprise Remus. “I remember.” Remus said. “You asked me if my family had come, and I said no. ‘My mom’s working a long shift at the hospital tonight’, and you replied, ‘my family is here. They can be here for you, too.’ Then, you pointed out towards the section where your family was sitting and that’s when I saw him.”

James lifted his head from his knees and looked at him. “Who?” he whispers.

“Sirius.” Remus answers, scuffing his shoes on the gravel. “I saw him, and I was even more nervous than I was before, if that’s even possible.” He laughed to himself. “And you said ‘do you see the one in the middle? Black hair?’ As if it were possible to miss him. ‘That’s my best mate, Sirius.’ And you waved at him, and he smiled so wide, it practically took up his whole face, and he waved back.”

James sniffled in return, smiling softly. “Yeah. Been my best friend my whole life.” He scrubbed his face with his hand. “It’s different now.”

Remus nods slowly, choosing his words carefully. “From what I know about Sirius’s family, he’s tried so hard to escape them. And you... you were his escape. His safe place.”

James flinches, guilt flashing across his face.

“And now,” Remus continues, his voice gentle but firm, “you’re dating someone he’s spent his whole life trying to get away from. It’s not just about you lying to him, James. It’s about what that lie represents. You’re not his escape anymore. And yeah, that’s hard. For both of you.”

James flinches, then sits up straighter. “You don’t know him like I do. You don’t know his past.”

Remus exhales, his patience thinning. “It’s not a competition, James.” He stands abruptly, his frustration bubbling to the surface. “You lied to him. You and Regulus both did. And now you’re acting like you’re the victim here. But this isn’t about you. It’s about Sirius. It’s about what he deserves.”

James looks up at Remus, he looks conflicted – somewhere between furious and guilty, but Remus continues anyway, “I don’t need to know everything about his past. I am here for his future. I was there for him when you weren’t.” Remus spat. “You won’t make me or him feel guilty about that. It’s almost like you want him to sit and wait for you. He doesn’t deserve that. He deserves happiness. I want to make him happy.” Remus pauses for a moment. “You should, too.”

James stands too then. “You think I don’t? I want him to be happy. I know he’s not happy and that is why this is so awful for me.”

“Well, it’s not fucking about you!” Remus snaps back. “You’re my teammate. My friend. But Sirius isn’t yours. He’s not mine. But I see him, James. I’ve always seen him. And I’ve seen what this has done to him. I noticed him before he became this shell of what he was. He used to be a ball of energy, constantly moving, and talking. If you didn’t know him, you would think he lived this perfect life. He was just – he was everything.”

“Yeah.” James whispers, “You’re right.” And that is all he says before he walks to his car and leaves. Remus stays there for a moment, thinking of the conversation that just happened. Remus has never felt such a strong desire to protect someone – to keep them safe. He would do anything, anything to make sure Sirius is okay. Keep him happy.

As if on command, he hears his phone buzz in his backpack. Hoping Sirius had finally responded, he quickly unzips his backpack, searching the pockets for the source of the buzzing.

Sirius: hello

sorry for not texting earlier

i was reading

text me when ur done :)  

Remus hurriedly opens his phone, going straight to the messages.

Remus: i just finished

what are you reading?

Sirius: you just finished???

practice started like an hour ago

tpobawf obviously

Remus: the perks of being a wallflower?

Do you want to hangout or are you busy in your reread

Sirius: ignoring the practice question i see

but YES, i can hangout.

Remus: rn?

Sirius: duh.

Remus smiles and heads towards his car. He is unsure whether he should tell Sirius about what happened between him and James. He doesn’t want to stress him out – but he feels that omission is just another form of lying.

He’ll try to read Sirius’s mood, he decides. The drive to the Potter’s house is short, but Remus has to drive around the weekly farmers market. It’s packed – hundreds of people line the street, looking at food and trinkets. His mam might like to go there, but they will probably close before she is off work.

When Remus arrives at Sirius’s home, he realizes he is still wearing what he wore to practice. Sirius is already hobbling out the front door. Remus watches him, a small smile playing on his lips. He looks down at his boot in frustration, continuing to limp to the car. He mindlessly reaches over to unlock the door, moving his other hand to clear the passenger seat of his books.

“Hi, Remus” Sirius says with a smile.

“Hello,” Remus replies, a matching smile on his face. For just a second, Remus thinks of James coming home and realizing Sirius left. “Can you text James and let him know you’re leaving?”

Sirius looks at him with wide, confused eyes. “Um, sure.” He pulls his phone from his back pocket, quickly typing a message to James. “You’ve never asked me to do that… what’s going on?”

He crosses his arms over his chest, raising one eyebrow at him. “Heh,” Remus starts with an awkward chuckle. “That’s kind of why I’m not at practice.” Just so he doesn’t have to see Sirius’s worried expression, he puts the car back in drive, not sure where he is going yet.

“What?”

Sighing, Remus steals a glance at Sirius, who is leaning against the window, his profile softened by the glow of the setting sun. His fingers drum lazily on the edge of his seat, keeping a rhythm only he can hear, his boot creating a light thump on the car floor. “My mom’s at work, and I’m still in my practice clothes,” Remus says, his tone light but a little self-conscious. “Do you mind if we stop by my house so I can change?”

“Oh, you aren’t wearing this? I thought you were trying a new style out or something.”

Remus forces his face to stay neutral. “Sorry we can’t all look like we rolled out of bed naturally looking perfect.”

Sirius laughs a real, genuine laugh. “Who, me?” Sirius places a hand on his chest dramatically. “It’s the inbreeding – and I did just roll out of bed, thank you.”

“Looks like it.” Remus can’t help but smile, proud of himself for making Sirius laugh.

“Yeah, well,” Sirius talks through a smile, “I might be biased, but I think you look perfect no matter what.”

“Flattery get’s you nowhere.”

“I can say from personal experience that is not true.”