Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“I just hope…”

Dark eyes looked directly into hers and there was a moment of pause. Something flickered in her eyes. Hesitation, or perhaps uncertainty.

She held Laudna’s gaze carefully and patiently, giving her all the time she needed to sort out her thoughts and put them into words

“…Because I care so deeply about you that…”

The words, accompanied by the soft, melodic notes, resounded in her mind. She could feel the edge of her mouth begin to tug upward into a familiar crooked smile at the warm affection behind the words.

At the love expressed in those ebony eyes, sparkling from the reflection of the candlelight in their room.

But it isn’t quite the same, is it?

Her lips pulled tight into a straight line at the traitorous voice echoing in her ears, from within the deep recesses of her mind. Whatever brief joy she had felt vanished together with her smile.

“...this doesn't open up more…wounds and cause more harm than good.”

Under the comfort of the gentle and concerned gaze, she fought against the urge to just let it all out.

To let all her deeply concealed feelings for Laudna finally be known.

To let Laudna know that for her, everything would be alright if she had Laudna by her side.

For Laudna was her single ray of light in an otherwise dark and dreary world.

The embodiment of everything good and joyful in this cruel world.

The... love of her life.

Those were all the words she so desperately wanted to say, to tell Laudna. Yet she swallowed hard and pushed both the words and her feelings back down deep within her.

In the end, all she could conjure up was the same crooked smile and the same half-truth.

“Laudna, you're back. I-I can't possibly be sad right now.” She mustered up the brightest smile she could manage, along with a forced small chuckle, hoping that it was enough to assuage Laudna’s concerns.

And it proved to be have done its job, for she watched the brightest spark of her life lit up with the most beautiful, shy smile as Laudna cast her gaze down towards herself.

That would do for now.

Laudna had gone through far too much in the past week. Not only had she been…taken senselessly for a second time (this time because of her), she had been held prisoner in her own mind, forced to relive all of her worst memories again and again. Before they had managed to free her, to bring her back.

Back to her side, whole and alive again.

Even then, Laudna had changed somewhat. Gone were the confidence and exuberance from before. Instead, the Laudna now was more uncertain of herself, much more wary of the world around her than she had ever seen her before.

Was it for the better or worse? She couldn’t say. But it didn’t matter for Laudna was the only person who could decide on that. And if she was completely honest, she didn’t care either. No matter how Laudna had changed, might change, would change, she would still be the woman who had captured her heart and soul.

The woman she would lay down her life for.

The woman for whom she would go to hell and back again, no matter how many more times, no questions asked.

So no, Laudna didn’t need to worry about her, on top of everything else she had to deal with.

“We’ll figure it out,” she finally said, nodding slightly and flashed Laudna another small wry smile. It was Laudna’s favourite smile, a smile that never failed to invoke a similar one from Laudna as well.

“Of course,” Laudna replied immediately, “And I don’t plan on going anywhere.”

The smile faded from her face, as the memories of the past week came flooding back.

The cold, deafening silence that met her whenever her mind had so naturally reached out for.

The unnaturally stiff and far too cold body that she had slept next to inside the hole on the airship during their journey back to Jrusar.

The pale and petrified face of Laudna, imprisoned in the cage-like branches of the other Sun Tree, her feeble, trembling voice calling out to her.

“Again.” Laudna’s voice broke through her brooding thoughts.

“Ever.” A faint smile danced on the dark lips. She looked searchingly in the dark eyes staring intently back at her, and found what she had sought.

A promise.

A hope.

Chapter Text

"I just hope…”

The rest of the words caught in her throat.

A clearly distraught Imogen was still looking at her intently, expectantly.

Her heart ached in the worst possible way, like the pain of a thousand needles stabbing in her heart. She yearned to soothe away the deep crease between those perfectly arched brows. To take away the pain and hurt buried deep in those striking lilac eyes.

How she wished and wished for the power to carry Imogen away to a faraway place, where there was no red storm, no cursed moon. Only endless fields of grasses and flowers for Imogen to live a peaceful and quiet life tending to her beloved horses, as she so rightfully deserved.

But such a place was beyond her abilities, existing only in her figments of imagination. The only thing she could do in reality was to provide comfort after the fact.

Yet she couldn't even utter out a simple message of love. No matter how hard she tried to will them out of her mouth, the words which used to flow so naturally through her refused to come.

It didn't feel right somehow. The word "love" felt too important, too consequential to be thrown around frivolously in a moment like this, if she didn't mean it.

But she did mean it. She loved Imogen oh so dearly. So why did she feel as if she could no longer give it the proper weight that it deserved?

It was as if the meaning of the word had changed in between the time she was gone and when she came back. Which was ridiculous. If anything, she was the one who had changed. But it was something that she had yet to figure out the answer to. The past week had been a whirlwind of happenings and emotions. She could scarcely piece together who she even was now, much less figure out what had changed for her between then and now. But that was a late-night existential question for another day. Right now, the focus should rightfully be on Imogen and not her.

In the end, she settled for something else instead. Not quite the words that she wanted to but couldn't voice out for unknown reasons, but something equally as true.

"...Because I care so deeply about you that..."

She glanced over at Imogen again, letting out a small exhale of relief as the freckles across her adorable button nose crinkled prettily and a lovely crooked smile bloomed across the freckled face.

Her favourite smile.

That was a good sign.

Encouraged, she continued, "...this doesn't open up more…wounds and cause more harm than good."

She watched Imogen carefully, trying to gauge and anticipate her reactions and emotions, ever ready to provide the support that Imogen needed. Lilac eyes looked deep into her eyes quietly and tenderly, seemingly deliberating and weighing her words carefully.

And with a slight shake of her head, Imogen replied softly but surely, "Laudna, you're back. I…I can't possibly be sad right now." Imogen gave her a brilliant smile accompanied by a slight laugh.

She returned the smile and cast her eyes down, trying to hide the fact that she had already seen right through the facade.

How the smile didn't reach her beautiful eyes.

How the laugh sounded so hollow, deprived of all the life and soul that embodied her.

It was clearly a gesture meant to comfort her instead.

And even as her fingers curled painfully into the palm of her hands and her heart squeezed tightly in her chest, she kept her silence.

For what could she say? When she was so pathetic that Imogen, as distraught as she already was, had sought to comfort her instead.

"We'll figure it out," Imogen finally said with a slight nod. Another wry smile crossed her face, still ever so gorgeous, despite her weariness.

"Of course," she replied and in her last grasp at straws to try to reassure and comfort Imogen, added quickly, “And I don't plan on going anywhere."

The smile faded from Imogen's face, leaving her with a solemn look, no doubt remembering the ordeal that they had gone through to bring her back.

"Again."

She owed Imogen, owed the rest of the Hells, too much to waste her third chance at life.

"Ever."

This time with a faint, reassuring smile on her lips, she looked intently into those lilac eyes, almost willing Imogen to believe her words. The eyes bored into hers, before some of the exhaustion and tension seemed to fade away from her shoulders, far too small and delicate to carry such a heavy burden on her own.

She found herself relaxing as well after seeing Imogen finally having a moment of respite from her words.

The words that had made a promise.

A promise she was determined to keep.